#sorry to op post on main I just wanted to give you all an update on the Bex having a sibling situation | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

9w1ft · 3 years ago

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alright all that’s left now is to hit post and

*record scratch*

oh wait, what? whats that? i can't reblog with more content on the main post? it’s technically too big?!

oh well well well then okay. hey :leans in close: did i… ever crash your app with the op post? i wanted to apologize for that. truly sorry. the truth is, the original post also crashes my app! wild! yes, well, as big of a fan of push media as i am i’m going to have to break away from the original post to get the job done this year but if you’re new here and don’t know about the eye theory please for the love of god click the below link to read through the original. it’s required reading.

(click for the op)

…

yes ok. welcome back! did i make you dizzy? jeepers my eyes do hurt, just after putting together this update! but i come bearing gifts…! frankincense, myrrh, gold, and a *plump* 2021 eye theory update for the remaining bakers dozen or so of us left hanging in this manger… because apparently that’s just the way things will be 😘 again, i’m far past proving this thing and more into sharing, yeah, sharing the fun memories over the past year living with this theory so that’s what i’ll do. and this requires more than the ten picture limit so in lieu of that i will be updating only once but with links to each finding. my demarcation is the same as last year:

so without further ado, here comes our…

2021 year in review

JANUARY

★ kimby posting the eye mirror thing at the beginning of the year (which i posted about at the end of the last update)

★karlie liked a tweet (a rarity at the time) from henry hall promoting his new album… that had an eye and the number 13 on the album cover.

-we found another great photo match example

☆ we noticed something up with a new carolina herrera ad that ended up showing up again later in the year

☆ we noticed taylor covering her eye during rep tour while singing even in my worst lies you saw the truth in me

-we noticed an oft forgotten appearance of the evil eye ring in the rep promo material, photos of her on the beach

FEBRUARY

☆ we found a potential easter egg in the end game mv

★ one of the lyric videos for fearless TV had a fun synching moment ..that taylor then put in her instagram stories

★ taylor posted a bleachella era pic of her and the haim sisters that had the sisters covering eyes with their hoodies, and then honest to god this is just one of those thing i can’t quite conscionably explain but there are two boxes of pizzas being held and the cheese only pizza looks like the “blank” of the two pizzas and it’s to the right of the picture

★ kayda and kai did some eye funny business

MARCH

★ the grammys… so, taylor’s performance included choreography that covers her right side eye along with the line “guess i should have known from the look on your face” and i know this is one of the things people particularly do not like but i’m such a sucker for prop comedy: i think the shape of the lean-to cabin itself is the shape of an eye and also the belted waist part of her dress looks like an eye, i said what i said

-and this can’t help but feel like chance, but, we got this red carpet press photo of her grammy covering her eye

-something also feeling serendipitous, karlie got papped by some eye graffiti

APRIL

-The Vault reveal left me wanting to get my eyes checked 😂

☆ we realized one could make the argument that there’s a eye isolated by the mask on her male counterpart in willow, and that the mask has a drooping daisy embroidered on it

-i got the chance to talk a little bit more about my thoughts on the editing that went on with the mert and marcus rep photoshoot photos, and my thoughts on computer graphic manipulation as it relates to other things, in particular lead time

★ taylor seemed to have more fun with synching up the fearless tv clip to music 🙈

★ taylor’s mother’s day merch included a postcard with a daisy and the lyric “i love you for giving me your eyes”

MAY

-not for nothing, austin posted a picture of him at the Oculus building in NYC (oculus being a word that means eye, austin being someone who rarely updates his instagram these days)

★ karlie got back in the saddle with posting an eye out of frame

★ some preview photos of karlie’s green adidas collection were released, and they included this amazing shot

and wouldnt ya know it she made it her profile pic after the collection release

JUNE

★ more kayda funny business (i feel like there were a lot more of these but i wasn’t able to keep track)

★ karlie got papped wearing a prada jacket with a print of a one eyed beach babe

-taylor mixed up her words during a thank you speech while accepting an award and said “she helped me to edit my eyes” which i mean i don’t think it was intentional but it certainly made my year 🙈

★ karlie wore this versace blazer that inexplicably has a hole cut out of it to the right?? which was made even more meaningful given the fact that i had been spiraling over the tie with the hole in it in the lwymmd video a few months prior idk 😆

★ the how long do you think it’s gonna last album was announced with an… eye collage… 🙈🙈 and kept the promo coming into july with eye cutout moments like this

JULY

★ then the Renegade music video was released and it was just chock a block with eye manipulation! singled out eyes, taylor covering her right side eye with her hands, with her hair, the eyes on her face cut out and zoomed in on. like, i’m sorry, it’s 2021 and we are really doing this ladies???

-and i came up with a funny (/emotional)

-karlie met with schiaparelli in paris, who had just come out with a collection full of gilded eyes among other body parts

★ karlie blocked an eye for estée lauder —a true pastime— and thus began the formalization of the tradition of me waking up to karlie having posted something ocular to instagram

AUGUST

☆ adam rippon posted a little ode to karlie’s “looking camp right in the eye 👁 ” moment, which normally id just chalk up to it having become a meme but at the same time, bobby berk liked the post and they were both in the yntcd mv, so it’s sorta amusing

★ karlie posts “filed under baking inspo” moodboard which included a pic of a face made of food with one eye 🥴🥴🥴 like i’m sorry, is this not proof of acknowledgement 😆

★ karlie posts a photoset of her in workout clothes and she’s covering the left side eye in a lot of the pics

★ karlie wore some eye-like rain and sunshine earrings from two jewelers that also make custom lover’s eye jewelry

SEPTEMBER

★ taylor covered an eye on the tiktok

-i noticed that each of karlie’s adidas collections had their own moments

-also like this is simply an act of god but somehow taylor and karlie got a photo taken at the 2014 met gala where karlie is standing to the right next to a woman with an eye purse…?

☆we noticed two things about the UPS commercial she did during rep era

★ karlie hid an eye while getting ready for the met gala which was the start to a crazy crazy day here on kaylor tumblr

☆ someone kindly pointed out to me that birch feat. taylor swift just as names of trees goes is also sus 🥴

-we listed up some of the possibly eye theory -aligned taymoji

★ karlie posted a promo clip of her designing her met dress at carolina herrera and it had an eye moment

-taylor has sort of established winks as a Taylor’s Version easter egg gesture so i don’t really count things like this in the grand scheme of things but i can’t help but feel this wink was exaggerated in post which would mean the eye could have been edited, and for that i’ll mention it

-this is just an it’s a small world moment having to do with researching the band of outsiders brand

★ taylor using an eye covered pic of shania twain on her tiktok

★ karlie blocking eyes again in a photoshoot make that two

OCTOBER

✦★✶ karlie went to mert alas’ gin release party in paris I REPEAT she went to the party being held by the guy who took the rep album photoshoot photos aka the guy who took the actual eye theory photo and not only did she get a pic with him, she drank out of the gin glasses that had an eye like pattern cut into them???

★ karlie woke me up again and chose violence

-i forget how i ran into this but it’s this old photoshoot of karlie in a daisy full body suit with her arms and head in the shape of an eye idk lol

★ karlie posted a photoset with some eye blocking moments going on

NOVEMBER

-in a moment of meta, karlie got the chance to post a pic of bert and ernie to her instagram stories as she was also a part of the WSJ innovators issue

☆ taylor’s grammy dresses went on display and the waist fabric looked even more like an eye so sue me!

★ karlie really made it christmas morning every morning 🥴

★ RED TV lyric videos also got a moment

★ the IBYTAM video had us all reeling for plenty of reasons but i made sure to have my fun …kinda cool how it fits though 😂 this stood out to a lot of us and this too

-it’s the little things

-blame it on the vault crest and red dresses but i allowed myself to lean in to the crazy a bit more than usual and tbh i had the best time with it

☆ i had a thought about So It Goes as it relates to rep tour

-The Missing Eye Puzzle Piece it turned out that the missing capital one red bundle puzzle piece was simply missing, and it has been found, **but** i had an amazing couple of weeks imagining the ARG possibilities. oh and i still love that the right side eye is the 11th puzzle piece across, 8 rows down (karlie numbers)

DECEMBER

★ karlie posted again blockin an eye 😂

★ shes so good at finding an opportunity

★ karlie wearing a sweatshirt with an eye on it because why not i guess 🙈

-surely coincidental but i did laugh at where her music choice in this post led me

★ and it turned out the eye glassware at the mert alas gin release party ended up being used in the promo photos for the stuff

★karlie did a ‘comeback’ -esque spread for WSJ and she delivered

-add this to the list of potential cross-media tie in opportunities that surely weren’t intentional but i would point to in terms of what she could potentially do should she want to bring back this level of easter egging for reputation TV

★ waking up again to some uncanny carolina herrera hijinks

★ karlie blocking an eye again 🙈

-i talked a little bit about the evil eye ring making it’s appearances with the angel wing ring

★ like i said, this karlie post waiting for me when i woke up thing, it became a morning ritual

-there was a red tv album print mishap… istg the way i moved (is this what the kids say)

★ taylor blocked an eye in her new years reel

so there you have it, folks! 2021, a kaylor year that had me throwing my hands up and deciding to bend with the wind and roll with the punches… paid dividends?! i included the ephemera (the winks and out of frames) just because i see them as a sustainable avenue for the dreary new parent, but all these aside it still blows my mind how many distinctly significant things happened in conjunction with the theory this year and i hope very very deeply and earnestly that each and every one of you may have had the chance to crack a smile or two as well 😌

its weird… seeing karlie and mert photographed gave me this lavish sense of… coming full circle! but 🥰 who knows what next year will bring. what can i say, as if it was my greco-roman destiny, i know i will always beat the drum for this theory if they will have me. eye can’t help myself!

have a happy new year🥳

#all eyes on us #masterpost

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bakugoukatsuki-rising · 4 years ago

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I'm. The new covers, op. The new covers. Gosh. Both of them hold so much symbolism. And technically they both are canon, they are both original ideas that could perfectly be valid. Horikoshi simply found something better. But anyways, I'm going to go ahead and ramble about it because Im- Op, prepare for a long ask! Hope you like it!

So!

On the one where Katsuki's the one in the picture, he's not on his knees like he is in the other two covers. Instead, he has his face down, body forward, one hand on one leg, the other one holding out for something...He's bowing. Bowing in Japanese culture is a pretty big deal. Hes not just tilting his head a bit, his head and body are on full on commitment.

Such a tilted bow means a LOT, specially from THIS guy, Mr dont let anyone walk in front of me. Even more when hes not just bowing, but accepting such an open display of given help, Mr shonen anime lone wolf. Accepting something he always has trouble admitting to. Accepting the past, accepting the wrongs. Accepting Izukus help means so much, and that's what these three covers have in common.

His hand is sctretching out. He's ready to say yes to that hand out in the air.

(Ps. I wonder if he's watching his own reflection on the water in this panel, as well?)

Hes in middle of the picture with those childhood friend at the back, which means audience. It means letting people see what hes done, what he's sorry for. He is being open and exposed and vulnerable. That's no fighting stance.

Remember guys, in case you haven't noticed before, Horikoshi puts lots of metaphorical value in his manga and on his covers. Sometimes you've got to dig in deep and think to get the bigger picture. And in this case, the bigger picture screams regret and wanting to make things right from the start.

This cover occurs in the past, at the moment where everything started, and Katsuki fully remembers this. Katwuki has thought of this, is thinking about this. He's had eye bags for gods sake, he's clearly troubled by all of what it means.

These three covers are the visual explanation of what's going on inside Katsuki's head, because this is clearly focused on him and his perspective.

(Ps. Rivers symbolise the massage of time. If that doesnt add to everything else, I dont know what to tell you.)

So! Next!

Wow, if this isnt one of my favourite things ever. Okay. Christ.

I have two options here. Scratch that, three options. Scream into the void, scream into this post, or actually make a good presentation of my inner turmoil. I'll have to go by the third option. (Haha. Just like horikoshi did. Dont # me, I'm funny in my head.)

This cover melted my insides, froze them all over, and hit me with them like a hammer.

I know they're kids, but let me get this straight-so kids seriously look at their friends with these looks in their eyes and think "ah, yes. This is my very good friend. This gentle smile and kind look I'm giving him as if he was my whole world? Well, hes just a very good friend."

I looked at my childhood crush this way, I dont know what to tell you.

Anyway, let's actually jump to the information at hand.

This panel seems like it's making a reference to what Katsuki wishes could have been. And if that's not absolutely soul-crushing...this cover is Katsuki's feelings, guys. These are probably his very thoughts. This scene has gone through Katsuki's head at some point.

We've got Izuku in his stuck up pose all over again, in just an awkward angle. It's like katsuki isnt looking AT this katsuki right now, but at the spot where the actual past Katsuki, at some point, was. As if this Isuku is frozen in time. Dont believe too much in this paragraph, I still have my doubts about that, but I feel it's a possibility. Izukus eyes seem to be focused on the water, while Katsuki is just the tiniest bit back, reaching for Izukus hand. And gosh.

I dont think I've ever seen older NOR child Katsuki have this look plasted into his face before. He's...sheepish. Kindly, awkwardly sheepish. No hate, no anger, no shame, no nothing. His face is clear and sweet and has this "Whoops. You got me. But thanks." kind of expression on.

The hand behind his head, just the tiniest but embarassed? That little smile? It's all so soft.

Rambling about softness though- I really liked the hand scene in this particular panel. If you close up your view, you realise that theres no effort to pull anyone out of nowhere. In this panel, they are simply holding hands in frozen time for no purpose at all.

Katsuki has his hand around Izuku...simply holding there.

Again, because the angle is awkward, it's kind of messy, but you get the point.

It's all simply beautiful. Horikoshi clean likes give me life.

And lastly. The actual cover.

I screeched so hard when I saw this. My first instinct when seeing this for the first time was to straight up go trigger happy fingers and write about it to my friends. Christ.

Everything is so...SOft. horikoshi made a good decision by mixing both previous drawings in one. We have parts of the two covers in one, which is amazing. In this one, Katsuki isnt alone, as Izuku's there too. But we dont have the audience either. Probably because the main focus on this panel is no one else except them two.

Again, Katsuki looks like he's bowing, but instead of looking all the way down, he's in the middle. Not looking at Izuku nor looking at the ground, like it shows in the previous covers. Instead, Horikoshi found a middle ground. He's looking at his hand. At the gesture.

Hes not holding hands quite yet, but his hand is there. At arms reach. Not close enough but there. Wanting.

Theres so much regret and again, softness.

Again, like you Op said a bit bad, the angle is off here. This is present Katsuki remembering his past. The angle is off because this Izuku isnt holding out for our Katsuki. This is a memory. A wish. Katsuki's wish.

(Ps. Izukus trousers drenched in the rivers water. This detail was so nice. It's a subtle action that describes Izukus characterization so much. Izuku went in the river with Katsuki in mind, not caring if he got his clothes soaked in the process too. For Izuku, only Katsuki was there. And for Katsuki, only Izuku is.

As a plus, I can't believe the cover of this is literally called Bakugou Katsuki rising. They named the entire thing after that one chapter. Actually, I very much, totally believe it. It's the moment so many people have been waiting for, after all. The moment so many scenes have been amounting for, little by little.

*dreamy sigh*

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this little thing, I had to get it out of my system and dont want to bother my dear friends anymore than needed.

Have a good day, OP! I'll stay updated!

You kinda just...took my heart and curb stomped it, not gonna lie. Your observations are so beautiful and so accurate. The sketch with little Bakugou taking Izuku’s hand is so...raw, and yeah, that expression is definitely one of love. Those eyes, the way he is HOLDING Izuku’s hand, not TAKING it. He isn’t taking it to stand up, he is literally just...holding it.

That isn’t the way you take someone’s hand when you’re trying to pull yourself up. It’s an awkward angle and just...wouldn’t work right. No, he is literally just holding his hand, and that’s exactly what Bakugou wishes he did all that time ago. He wishes that he not only took Deku’s hand, but held onto it. Held it as if it were something precious, something to be cared for and protected.

These are Bakugou’s true feelings expressed in these drawings, and I think Horikoshi released them on purpose, to show us more of what he wanted Bakugou to be feelings through all of this. Since after all, we know that Bakugou expresses himself in action, not so much words. And because Horikoshi is an absolute genius, he thought to give us these other glimpses in how he feels through these actions.

And the other sketch with him bowing his body to Izuku, and the way the log looks like it’s on his back with his ‘friends’ on top of it.

The pressure of needing to be the coolest, the strongest, the best. Those kids put that kind of pressure on him, even if they never realized it. They encouraged his behavior and fed his ego, and it never allowed him to see how he was wrong. But now he is realizing it, and he is bowing himself in light of that acknowledgement. He is lowering his head and putting his pride away, so he can get back what he lost all those years ago; the opportunity to take Izuku’s hand.

To take the hand of the only one of those kids that ever loved him unconditionally. Who never pressured him or expected him to be invincible. Who saw all of his flaws and was completely prepared to support him despite all of it. The only one.

I’m just a mess over all of this, and I am so incredibly thankful to Horikoshi for creating this beautiful relationship. AND IN A SHOUNEN MANGA, NONETHELESS!!

Thank you friend, for your beautiful thoughts. I think they’re spot on, and I am so emotional all over again because of this.

#bnha spoilers #bnha #mha #bkbk #bakudeku #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #kacchan #deku #bnha meta #bnha analysis #blackiee-is-heree #asks #basketball idiot #basketball idiot replies

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itoldsunset · 4 years ago

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on writing itsay as a team

[the talk is recorded here, and i’m translating it in chunks and trying to organize by theme. most of the posts won’t be this long.]

so the core writing team for itsay had four people: p’boss, p’kade, p’junior, and goy. and they also worked with p’jokang [i’m just making an assumption that everyone is older than me and calling them p’ unless i know otherwise] who was responsible for the chinese parts of the script. [side note: p’kade said she’s staying on for part 2, p’junior isn’t because he’s a flight attendant and it’s too exhausting, and goy has said on instagram she’s not on for part 2. i don’t know who the other two writers will be?]

some background: p’boss, p’kade, and p’junior all went to university together [where p’kade and p’junior were the same year and p’boss was one year above them] and that’s where they met and they worked together on a lakorn at university [i don’t know if it was theater or film, i can’t understand the words they used lol].

here are some general things they had to say about their writing team, process, and experiences [not necessarily all in order since some of them are from different parts of the talk]:

p’kade said the most intense parts of the writing process lasted about 3-4 months, where they saw each other pretty much everyday. during quarantine, they would be on conference calls together for 8-9 hours a day.

p’junior said there had to be constant communication and updates so no one on the team ever fell behind. if they were going to keep something or get rid of something, it had to be unanimous. they had to move forward together with every step. he said the team process didn’t make them slower, but it brought new and interesting ideas and since each person came with different experiences. a straight man would have one experience, a gay man would have another, a woman would have another, everyone helped bring their own experiences out to the center.

p’kade said p’boss assembled the writing team really well, because between the four of them, they all come with different personalities, experiences, and skills. so whenever they worked together, they would bring different ideas to the table, which was exciting and resulted in something that came out well-balanced, solid, and multidimensional.

p’junior said, “for example, goy is very good at getting the characters’ inner feelings because she’s an actress. she knows that this is how a character would act, and what does a character need to face in order to cry. kade is very good at details that add cuteness to the story. and as for me, i like things that are over the top and ridiculous, and i’ll throw those ideas in without holding back, so other members of the team can either toss them out or bring them down a notch. for example, the scene where teh and tarn kiss, i threw in ideas like what if they use a green colored pencil to color a tree, or a red colored pencil to color a fingernail, make it ridiculous, and then the rest of the team can bring it down, but i like to go big first.”

p’kade said that the members of the core writing team don’t actually screenwrite as their main jobs. p’kade said it’s her first time screenwriting, p’junior is a flight attendant, and goy is primarily an actress. because they didn’t screenwrite as their main jobs, they gave it their all for this project, because they didn’t know when their next chance would be. p’kade said she thought maybe it was a once in a lifetime kind of thing, so she gave it everything: “i wanted myself to feel, and the audience to feel, everything.”

p’junior said, “in terms of tastes, i like to see the audience cry, sorry. because i like to cry when i’m watching tv, i really like it because it gives me a sense of relief. like i feel the pain of the characters, but i always get something back in return. it’s good to smile, but if we don’t see the hardships along the way, it’s not as satisfying. so i wanted to cry with this story--not necessarily even make the audience cry, while we were writing it--but i wanted to cry. i wanted to see this kid [teh] experience things that make him learn, and i wanted to learn with him too. because in the beginning we didn’t know what he was going to encounter. so it became fun--that was the starting point. we all wanted to see how we could make the story fun, that’s why everyone gave it their all. during that time, everyone had this intense energy because p’kade was calling various university faculties about the types of options they had for admissions, whether they had a direct entry option, so that she could present it to p’boss that day. as for me, i was flying [as a flight attendant], and when i had to sleep at the hotel, i also had to wake up to write. there really wasn’t a lot of time for sleeping. i had to call and interview high school students who were getting ready to enter university, and i would make those calls on the skytrain, and they would hear the name of the next station being announced. it was exhausting, but no one wanted to give in.”

p’kade: “we really wanted to win [op: as in overcome the challenge or something like that]. for example, goy during that time was shooting two different lakorns while also writing with us. we would be in a meeting together until 3am, and goy would go to her set at 6am. it was the kind of intense energy where if we didn’t get to do it today, we didn’t know when we’d get to do it again.”

p’junior: “i have to thank the director. because if p’boss had said, it’s okay, go home and sleep and let’s talk in two days, we might not have gotten this far.”

p’kade: “p’boss is someone who has a lot of energy, and when we’re with someone who has that much energy, we gain some of that energy too. p’boss is someone who works very hard, and someone who has a lot of energy, and because it was like that, we ended up becoming that way all together. and it became a working team that i really, really like.”

p’junior: “for the last episode, where we needed the chinese admissions exam, i told jokang we needed it at around 9pm one night, and expected that he would get back to me in the next couple of days. he sent the exam back to me at 5am the next morning, he was up all night writing it. and he explained where the question about xīn could come up, gave advice about how to arrange the questions, told me everything. and i feel like it’s a way of transmitting energy, when you see someone with that intense level of energy, you’re ready to jump in with them too.”

p’kade: “jokang is someone who answers line at all times. no matter what it is, if i’m writing a part in chinese and i want something [p’junior interjects: at 2am], yeah, jokang will send it as a pdf and circle the words and explain them in great detail to me. it made my work easier and it made me understand, as someone who doesn’t work with the chinese language. when i see this [level of dedication], it motivates me to work hard and create something great, because everyone else is working hard too.”

#i told sunset about you #itsay #textpost #i knew goy acted #since i recognize her from hormones #but i'm so surprised it's p'kade's first time screenwriting #and p'junior is a flight attendant #who was working while writing this??#it makes me that much more impressed with itsay #itsay translated #sorry i fucked up the tags and had to repost

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ddarker-dreams · 4 years ago

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dropping by to tell u that ur my favoritest yan fic writer out there and your yan genshin updates give me life MUAH

thank you so much nonnie!!!! 😘😘😘 i appreciate you!!! i’ve absolutely loved writing for genshin, so i’m glad that the community is thriving with so much content aaaa ❤️ warms my heart...

anon 2 asked: I’m not sure if this has been asked before or not, but have you read/watched Togashi’s other work Yu Yu Hakusho? If you haven’t, I think you’d definitely like Kurama.

i have heard of it but i haven’t watched it before! i looked up the design for kurama and wow... he is a very pretty boy. he has these mysterious vibes that makes me think i would like him. if i ever get around to watching it i’ll keep an eye out for this boy 👀

anon 3 asked: If you don't mind me asking, what other games do you play besides genshin?

my cycle of playing games is kind of messed up by genshin right now since that’s the main game i play whenever i get hit with Gamer Urge. however, the games ive enjoyed the most recently other than that would be divinity original sin 2, darkest dungeon, pokémon, animal crossing, and fire emblem!

anon 4 said: it's nice to see a fellow hu tao simp! i was so excited to see you make a yandere hu tao x reader,, i rarely see any x reader content of her so i just silently suffer most of the time 💔 ty for feeding us hu tao simps good food op i will be reading that story religiously everyday 🛐

we need more hu tao in this world, i fully agree. every time i see her i just can’t help but smoke... i think it’s the super cute hair. long pigtails 🥺 ANYWAYS you have god tier taste anon. i trust anyone that loves hu tao.

anon 5 said: i am going to kiss u on the forehead as gently as i can,,, that hu tao fic was absolutely delicious❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

THANK YOU NONNIE!!! i was worried at first over how much macabre hu tao typical dialogue to incorporate into a fanfic, but i ended up content with the balance. she can be soft when she wants to, after all. i’m happy that you enjoyed it!

anon 6 said: You posted the harem HCs right after I finished work and it was such a treat to read. I love them. I know you obviously didn't write them for me in mind but thank you for brightening up my day!

PHEW what good timing!! i end up working on my writing on and off throughout the day and finishing it around the time people (in american) time zones would be getting home. i’m glad that you were able to enjoy the headcanons after a day of work!!

anon 7 said: I loved the Liyue reverse harem, how can you be such a good write???Xiao being a puppy is actually cute and I love this concept

i was looking forward to including vigilant xiao watching over his crush the most 😭 it’s just an adorable sight to picture. he’s such an intimidating figure, it can’t help but melt your heart that he’s there to ensure you’re always safe. the main trick is writing the most self indulgent stuff, anon. that is what produces the best you have to offer because you’re having such a good time writing it.

anon 8 said: akfhdsh Lock why was that Zhongli fic so hot🔥?? Ahh I haven't been able to get it out of my head ALL day & 5000 words? You are superb 😍 I can't help but feel so sorry for poor darling. Having to do that with him on the very first night, man didn't even give her a break/a chance to settle down. Either way I'd love for you to throw some concepts here & there if you can 👉👈 or share your afterthoughts ^_^ the universe in this one felt especially great! I wish you the best of luck, take care <3

it’s all because of the random zhongli dream anon 😭 i couldn’t get him out of my mind until i wrote a loooong fic for him. the idea of his darling being with him since the archon war days is my favorite! i’ve always had a soft spot for it, ever since i was trying to figure out what a yandere zhongli might look like back in november. it’s just... genuinely horrifying to imagine being stuck with that for thousands of years. especially when people view rex lapis so highly in liyue, darling feels even more alone on her festering feelings. there’s no relief to be had.

i think i’ll do a big ol headcanon post because the world for yan zhongli and his god darling is so big, i’ve given it a Lot of thought. but the main gist of it is how darling deals with the inaccurate portrayal of their history together. and of course, she interacts with others, since zhongli has the reassurance from the contract that she won’t try to escape. so there’s a lot of angst there. 😭

anon 9 asked: Hey! any plans for more Hu tao content in the future? your last story was just really gooood, she's such an interesting character! I've also been hooked to Rosaria and I'm wondering if you plan to write for her aswell... hopefully no one asked this already lol

i’d love to write more for hu tao!! she is a character that i adore a lot. currently, i don’t have any ideas for her that would get me going, but once i see one or get hit with inspiration she’ll make a reappearance. i do have a few hu tao requests so hopefully those will help inspire me. AND ROSARIA... 🥺 WHAT A WOMAN. i want to learn more about her!! i’ll write for her when her stories and voice lines are all out, that way the characterization is more accurate. she captured my heart with that distant attitude and those listless eyes 🥰🥰

anon 10 said: hi hi!! i just wanted to say i discovered genshin impact bcs of you! i saw your yandere genshin posts back in november, i didn't know anything abt genshin or their world but i read it and just googled their names to know their appearances lmfao and until then i just fell into a rabbit hole of genshin. i eventually grew tired of not knowing anything abt genshin and its lore so i craved around early january and downloaded the game despite me not rlly being a gamer™ and now i'm here at ar 51, a hu tao main and no, i haven't touched grass since downloading the game 😭

ah yes, welcome anon, to what could be considered heaven or help depending. if you were able to get hu tao then i’d say you’re in the latter camp (aside from having to grind for her ascension materials, that is pure suffering). it’s a fun game to get into during this quarantine/spotty lockdown time, so i hope you’ll enjoy your time with it! i’m glad that mihoyo releases content often enough to keep us well fed.

anon 11 asked: Lock dearest, have you ever watched Jujutsu Kaisen?

i like that super cute girl with short finger hair!! i’m planning on watching the show when it’s completed, which i think is soon? ill binge watch it. i’ve recognized a lot of my favorite voice actors from the clips i’ve seen posted, so i’m excited to give it a shot.

anon 12 asked: You watch Demon Slayer? It's really great 🤯

i’ve seen clips of the amazing animation before! it’s currently on my list of shows to watch. 👀👀

#sweet asks #lock lore #answered #Anonymous

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waywardnerd67 · 4 years ago

Text

Starving Affection

Summary: It had been five years since (Y/N) had any physical contact with another person. When she starts talking with a man online who reads her fanfics, a battle of her mind and body begins. When the time comes to meet him, she finds that there are still decent human beings in the world. Characters: Jensen Ackles, Misha Collins, Sami (OFC), Plus Size!Reader Pairing: Jensen x Plus Size!Reader Warnings: Angst/Fluff/Smut/Body Image Distortion Word Count: 9256 A/N: Again, me working through my feels. Thank you for allowing me to do so.

My chest tightened. Jaw clenched until my teeth hurt. My body rigid and frozen as panic flowed through my veins. The overly friendly, new teacher had her arms outstretched towards me. If I had been a normal person, I would gladly hold my arms out as well embracing her kindness and affection.

I was not normal.

“Hey Katy!” My partner teacher and best friend, Sami, headed her off by stepping in front of me and taking the hit of affection.

There was a special place in Heaven for Sami and if not, I would fight God themselves to make it so. I could see Sami whispering to Katy and a nod of acknowledgement told me I would not have to worry about her advancements again.

“Sorry (Y/N), I didn’t know you weren’t a hugger. How about a high five?” Her sweet gesture had my trembling hand stretching out to her as she quickly slapped it with her own.

Only Sami could see my flinch from the physical touch of someone. Everyone else summed it up to my quirky personality and weird aversion to being touched. Thankfully our English department meeting was over and I could escape to the safe haven of my car. Sami was close behind me waving goodbye to everyone.

I bumped my shoulder to hers as she was the only one I had no problem with minor touching, “Thank you for taking that hug for me.”

She laughed, “You’re lucky I’m a friendly and huggy person. Hey, I meant to ask you before school today, but how is counseling going?”

I cringed, averting my gaze from her, “It’s… going fine.”

She stopped me with a tap on my shoulder, “The truth, please.”

I sighed as my shoulders slumped in defeat, “I stopped going,” I saw the incoming assault in her narrowing sky colored eyes.

“(Y/N)! You were making such good progress with this counselor. I was even able to give you a one arm hug.” The disappointment in her voice weighed my shoulders down even more.

I leaned against my car pulling on the sleeves of my hoodie, “I know, I know. She had me go to one of her support groups and everyone had to hug someone. I… I just couldn’t. I tried three or four times going to the group and I failed every time.”

My eyes fell to the ground, disgust filling my mind, “Yes, you really are as pathetic as you’re sounding.” My inner voice snarked.

I heard Sami sigh, “It’s okay. We can work through it together. We can keep doing everything you liked from her and work at your pace.”

Looking up, I forced my lips into a small smile to appease my only real life friend, “That sounds good. Thanks Sami for putting up with me.”

I made my way home to a small ranch style home that was off the beaten path. My grandparents had left it to me knowing I would love the seclusion of it. It was my Fortress of Solitude. The only living thing, other than Sami, to be able to snuggle with me was Charlie the cat. The copper Main Coon was sitting by the door awaiting my arrival.

My evenings were always the same. Check in with my mom for an hour on the phone. Make or order dinner, which tonight was ordering pizza for the leftovers tomorrow. Turning on my favorite TV show, Supernatural, on Netflix and working on one of my millions of fanfics.

“Yes, stay in complete denial by hiding in your fantasy worlds and falling in love with fictional characters. Loser.”

I pushed my inner thoughts to the very back of my mind and focused on my current series I was writing. Pulling up Tumblr, I looked in my notifications seeing someone binge reading my masterlist. My heart always swelled with joy whenever someone took the time to read my writings. This person was also leaving feedback as well.

“ChevyMan67: I love this version of Dean! You truly have captured his personality and sarcasm.”

“ChevyMan67: I can’t get enough of this series! Please tell me there is more to come. I need to know if Dean finally falls in love and gets his apple pie life.”

I read through every comment and looked at every GIF the reader posted. I hit follow on his blog then took a few screenshots from my activity page, pulling up a blank post adding the pictures.

“Thank you to @ChevyMan67 for binging my stories! Your feedback means everything to me!”

As soon as I posted it there was a notification of a reblog from him. He posted a GIF of Dean screaming with #Fangirling flashing underneath. My cheeks ached from the unusual tension of a genuine smile spreading across my face.

Online I could be anyone I wanted. I would virtual hug and blow kisses at my friends. I was able to be more like the woman I was. Social, happy, carefree, open to others. I could be the woman I desperately wanted to be but my mind would not allow.

“Stay guarded. Remember what happened when you trusted him? Trusted his family? Never again. You promised never again.”

My indeed guard held the line at the gate of my mind. She stood in full armor and shield ready to throw off anyone that even attempted to break through to the part of me that desired to be a whole person again. I shook my head with a firm nod and reaffirmed my promise to myself to never let anyone that close to me again.

As I was closing down her computer for the evening, a ding caught my attention as a message came from Tumblr. Opening the window, I saw a DM from my newest follower.

“Hey there, I just wanted to say thank you for following me. Apparently I’m a rarity on here for being male and a fan of Supernatural. I truly love all your writings and can’t wait to read more. Hopefully, we can get to know each other better and become friends. Anyway, I’ll leave you alone. Message me any time. Goodnight.”

I re-read the message several times before closing my computer. Sure I had people message me for small talk and a few close friends I had on there. This felt different. Something deep within me sparked and I did not know how to react. There was only one person I knew I could go to and her reaction was more frightening than the thought of responding to ChevyMan67. That night was the first of many restless nights for me.

A week later, I finally sat down and responded to him.

“Hey, I’m sorry it took me so long to respond. I’m… well, I’m not used to talking to guys here. I think it’s great that you’re on here and reading, BTW. I’m working on a few pieces right now, maybe you could beta for me if you have time. I hope we can be friends as well. Have a good weekend!”

I was nearly hyperventilating when I hit enter sending the message. I tried to work on my newest one shot story and ignore my anxious heart awaiting for the ding. It was not until I was in bed watching my favorite episode of Supernatural that my phone chimed.

“Tumblr: Message from ChevyMan67”

My finger hovered for a moment before opening the app. The message opened and I let out a air I had been holding in my chest.

“No worries. Everyone is busy and has their “real life” to attend too. I work odd hours and days all the time so I get it. I would LOVE to beta for you!!!! Reading your work before it’s posted online? HELL YEAH! I feel honored you asked and I’m fanboying hard right now. Crap… that sounded… I mean. Sorry lol. You can send your fics to [email protected]. Looking forward to hearing from you again.”

Over the next six months, Ross and I talked throughout our days getting to know one another. Three month into Tumblr messenger and dumb updates, he gave me his cell number to text one another. At times, I would have to catch myself from laughing while my students took a test. Everyone around me started to notice the small changes in me. Smiling more, talking more and one student commented on me wearing bright colors.

“You look good in yellow Miss (Y/L/N).”

However it was Sami who demanded to know all about the changes going on with me. We sat at our favorite restaurant, the first round of drinks being set in front of us. After the waiter took our order, Sami began her interrogation.

“Tell. Me. Everything. You’ve been keeping me at bay and I’ve respected your space, but you have seemingly blossomed in the last few months. Spill.”

I bit my lower lip as my phone sounded with an all to familiar chime. I went to grab my phone when Sami placed her hand over it, “Me first. Tumblr second.”

“It’s not Tumblr. Let me reply to him and then I will tell you everything.” I dared to look up to see my best friend’s face frozen in shock.

Her eyes wide and mouth gaping, “Him?!”

I nodded reading Ross’s message, “Hey I know you’re out with Sami and going to tell her about little ole me. I just wanted to make sure you were still thinking about what I asked last night. Can’t wait to hear from you soon. Not now though, have fun with Sami.”

I smiled, locking my phone and putting it in my purse looking back to my ridiculously happy friend, “His name is Ross.”

There was a loud, attention grabbing squeal from her as I shushed her, “Leave out no details…” she rested her perfect chin on her folded hands.

I told her all about Ross and how we began talking. I told her everything I knew about him and what he knew about me. Finally, as our food came out and drinks were refilled, I told her about what he had dropped on me the previous night.

“He asked me to meet him at the Supernatural Convention in Dallas next month. He already has the passes paid for and a few photo ops that we could share.” My heart raced at the thought of meeting Ross and meeting my favorite celebrities all at the same time.

Sami’s smile faded slightly, “Does he know about your struggles with being touched?”

I nodded, “It was one of the first personal things I told him. He’s still talking to me so I took that as a frightening good sign.”

“What are you feeling?” her point blank question shook me for a moment.

My fingers drummed against the table, “I’m nervous, scared, anxious…” I paused for a moment before looking up at her with a smile.

“I’m also excited, hopeful and curious.”

Sami held out her hands to me, palms up and I hesitantly placed my hands in hers. It was something we had been working on for the last couple of months. This was the first time I allowed her to squeeze my hands.

“You really like him.” She whispered smiling like a fool.

I felt my own smile mirroring hers, “Yes I do and that scares me shitless.”

The rest of the evening felt like the old days before my life fell apart. When I got home, I decided to test my luck. Pulling up Ross’s number, my thumb hovered over it until I smashed it hearing it ringing.

“Well hello, this is a surprise.” His velvety smooth voice sent shivers down my body, “Take a deep breath and know it’s okay if you hang up to just text me.”

“N-No, I’ll be okay.” I stammered as he let out a low chuckle.

I could hear him moving away from other voices around him, “I interrupted something…” Guilt and shame weighing my shoulders down.

“Not at all. They can wait, you calling me is an important moment. Not everyday, I get to speak to my favorite writer on the phone.” His compliments calmed my queasy stomach, “Could I be so hopeful that this phone call is working up to a good answer?”

I took a deep breath in and let out slowly, “Yes.” The word seems foregin to her as it left my lips.

“Yes I can be hopeful or yes to my question?” His jovial banter eased the tension in my shoulders.

“Yes.” I tried to sound a little more confident, my heart beating against my chest.

There was a moment of silence before loud cheering and yelling came through her speaker. His excitement was silenced by my own unfamiliar laughter. Suddenly I was hyper aware that he was no longer making any noises. Panic and fear swelling inside me.

A soft sigh came from him, “You have a beautiful laugh. I can’t wait to hear it again.”

My cheeks burned, “Thank you.”

Ross told me he would send all the details for our trip and that I was not to worry about money of any kind. Mentally, I began planning out how to save as much money as I could in the next four weeks. Thankfully, my savings was built up enough to take a small hit and not dip into her emergency fund. Over the next several weeks, I began to prepare for my first convention, first time meeting an online friend, first time traveling by myself, first time facing the unknown in five years.

The morning of my travel day, I went over to Sami’s house with Charlie. I was surprised to see her sister sitting there. She waved to me before taking Charlie’s crate.

“What’s going on?” I looked around seeing Sami’s suitcase packed by the door.

She smiled, “Your friend Ross, reached out to me.”

The color from my face drained for a moment, “H-He did… How?”

“He found me on your Instagram page. DM me asking me to join you on your trip. Stating and I quote, ‘I know you being there with (Y/N) will make her more comfortable. I want this weekend to go as comfortably as possible for her. I know it’s a big step and I want her to be taken care of.’”

She smiled softly as my vision blurred from tears slipping down my face, “Oh… wow.”

“Yeah, he’s pretty amazing (Y/N/N). If you were ever going to work on overcoming your touch aversion this would be the man to do it for.” Sami turned around to help her sister, leaving me to my own thoughts.

“Absolutely not! There is no way he is getting through my defenses. I have held strong for five years. Your heart and mind are safe within my holds.”

“Do you really think he’s going to want to touch you? Look at yourself. Lumpy. Chunky. Squishy. Dull (Y/C/H) hair. Boring (Y/C/E) eyes. Not even a decent pair of boobs or ass. You’re nothing special. Always remember that you’re nothing special.”

“(Y/N)? (Y/N) stop it.” Sami’s voice rang clear bringing me back to the present.

I nodded slowly, “Sorry. I zoned out.”

“Freaked out. We will work through it. Sara is gonna drive us to the airport and we have an hour to chat. Okay?”

It was in the moment that I noticed my best friend had absentmindedly placed her hand on my shoulder and I did not flinch. My eyes looked to her hand and back to her, “You’re touching my shoulder.”

“Crap, I’m so sor…” she started to say but my bright smile stopped her, “What?”

I placed my hand on top of hers, “I didn’t flinch or move or even notice you did it.”

Now her smile was matching mine and we had a moment of pure excitement jumping around each other. True to her word, we spent the hour on the plane doing some meditative exercises. I thanked every high power who would listen for my best friend getting her psychology degree.

There was a man waiting with our names on a piece of paper. He took our bags and drove us to a hotel near where the convention was being held. Sami checked us in since there were so many people inside and my anxiety started to flare up.

Breathe in counting to six. Breathe out counting to six.

I repeated my breathing exercise until Sami returned her brow furrowed, “What is it?”

“I don’t know who Ross knows, but he must be connected in some way. We have a suite on the fourteenth floor.”

My jaw dropped slightly before I stood up bracing myself for the next hurdle of getting through the elevator ride. Luckily, there were only two other girls in the car and I could safely keep my distance from them.

“I heard that Jensen is staying at this hotel.” One mentioned as the other rolled her eyes.

“Yeah right. This is Dallas, I’m sure he’s probably staying with his family or something.”

The girls exit on the eighth floor and before the doors could close Sami and I were chuckling to ourselves. The chances of Jensen Ackles staying at this hotel would be astronomical. The car dinged for the top floor and opened to a small hallway. When we opened the door to our suite neither of us spoke.

Sami walked throughout the entire room before I could even move from the entryway, “This room is amazing! Check out the view we have (Y/N).”

“Hold on. Having a moment.” I breathed as Sami came to my side and I held my hand out, “I’m fine. Just need a moment to make sure this is real and not a dream.”

I watched as she walked over to the coffee table where there was a gift basket and she held up a small notecard, “Oh it’s real.”

“(Y/N) and Sami, I hope you love your room. Enjoy your night and order anything you want. The front desk knows it’s all on my tab. I’m hoping you both will join me for dinner tomorrow night after registration. Sadly, my job won’t let me leave before then. I look forward to meeting you both. -R PS: I highly recommend the spa and they have a large private jacuzzi just for you, (Y/N).”

Sami sighed, “I really hope he has a single brother, cousin, friend that is like him for me.”

I rolled my eyes walking over to the large windows looking out. Flashes of the last time I was in Dallas popping into my mind. I shivered as the one voice I hated yelled loudly in my ears. My hands covered them and I felt Sami tap my shoulder twice. For the first time, in several years, I reached out to her and gripped her arms.

“(Y/N) remember why we’re here. Remember talking with Ross on the phone. The tone of Ross’s voice. His laughter.” Her calm tone eased me out of the wretched memory.

She guided me over to the couch and went to get me a glass of water. I sipped it slowly before squeezing her hand, “Thank you.”

“You know, I can get used to you reaching out to me. Feels like the (Y/N) I knew coming back.” Sami squeezed my hand back before I let slip from her grasp.

She was right, the woman I once was before my ex was fighting her way to get out again. Still, my guard was up standing fortified at the gate.

That evening was a girls’ night of epic proportions. They went to the spa where (Y/N) sat in her private jacuzzi while Sami received the best massage of her life. Afterwards, we ordered our dinner from room service making moderate choices since neither of us were paying. When our food came there was a special dessert also with another note.

“A little birdy told me that your favorite dessert was French Silk pie. I wanted you to have a slice and some New York Style cheesecake for Sami. Have a wonderful night.”

Sami whistled, “Man, he has it bad for you.”

“Shut up.” I muttered lifting the dome to see a delicious slice of pie.

As they ate and talked, Sami took my phone taking pictures of them enjoying a very Sam and Dean style dinner. Sami having a Chef’s salad with honey mustard dressing. I took a picture of my dinner sending it to Ross with a text saying thank you.

“Dean would be proud! That bacon cheeseburger looks good. Enjoy!”

I smiled the entire time I ate my burger. Finishing out meals, Sami hooked up her laptop putting on Supernatural. I decided to try and work on some stories when a terrifying thought crossed my mind. I looked up to the screen as Dean began to talk. I closed my eyes listening carefully to his voice. The low tone and smoothness of it. It was the way he said the word writer that had my eyes snapping open and a gasp escaping my lips.

“What? What is it?” Sami sat up concerning filling her eyes.

Like pieces to a puzzle everything snapped into place. All the small details that would go unnoticed by someone who would never expect it. Sami tapped my shoulder and I turned to her with wide eyes.

“Ross… that’s Jensen’s middle name.” I mumbled reaching for my phone.

Sami stood up pausing the episode, “Okay… what are you getting at.”

“Listen.” I played for her the voicemail he had left a few days earlier, “Now play the episode.”

Sami’s eyes connected to her, “No way.”

“Ross is Jensen Ackles.”

That night my dreams were filled with my ex yelling at me. Fat shaming me. Calling me a loser. Calling me useless for not being able to bear children. His looming form made me coward into a ball on the floor. I woke up several times during the night, the final time close to six in the morning. Sami was peacefully sleeping on her side of the bed.

I picked up my phone going into the living area and dialing the all too familiar number. On the third ring she was going to hang up, but then his groggy voice pierced my ears.

“(Y/N), is everything alright?” All I could hear was Dean, which meant that it was truly Jensen on the other side.

“You tell me, Jensen.” I heard him sit up as I began to pace near the window.

A long sigh came from him, “I knew you would figure it out before meeting me.”

I scoffed, “Is this some kind of celebrity joke or prank? Pretend to be someone’s friend and embarrass them when they meet you.”

My guard was shaking her head muttering, “Told you so…”

“No, (Y/N) it’s nothing like that. Misha had read some of your stories and suggested I should read them. At first, I thought it would be weird because I’ve never read fanfiction before, but your writing… it drew me in.” His words came out all in one breath.

I froze, “M-Misha read my stories? Oh god…” My body burned from embarrassment.

“Honestly, there’s not a person on our crew that hasn’t read at least one of your stories. You’re talented and the way you write for the boys is amazing. Our own writer’s are impressed with your talent.”

I groaned slumping down to the floor, “This was all a mistake.” The last thing I heard before ending the call was rustling around as if Jensen was moving from his bed.

My phone slipped from my hand as tears streamed down my face. I closed my eyes allowing my inner voices to consume me. Dragging me down into the darkness.

“You fool! Here I stood guarding you from this and still you allowed someone in. You deserve what is coming to you!”

“You useless piece of nothing! You’re the biggest joke this world ever created. Fat, ugly, even your body can’t do the one basic thing god made it to do. You’re worthless. Sucking up air that could be used on someone contributing to the world. No matter what anyone says you will always be the biggest failure in this world. You. Are. Nothing.”

I felt someone tapping on my shoulder and I tightened myself into a ball, “Go away Sami.”

The tapping continued and I reached out grasping an unfamiliar hand. My eyes snapped open and were met with concerning, piercing olive eyes. The eyes I stared at for hours on my TV. The eyes I wrote about in hundreds of thousands of words online.

As soon as my eyes opened he withdrew his hand and my heart sank further into darkness, “I told you. He will never want to touch your disgusting body.” The snide voice of my inner self whispered.

“(Y/N), please hear me out. Please for five minutes just listen to my side.” He sat across from me leaving a foot of distance between us.

I nodded looking up as Sami gently touched his shoulder, “I will be just outside if you need me.”

He waited for the door to close to start talking. His large hands rubbing against his cotton covered thighs.

“I started reading your masterlist on Tumblr and couldn’t get enough of your stories. I didn’t know exactly how to work Tumblr so Misha showed me how. I noticed you don’t get a lot of notes and I wanted everyone to notice you. I started sharing your work with everyone after sending you that message.”

He paused for a moment as I fidget with the hem of my shirt, “Why did you message me?”

His smile was more radiant in person, “It’s just as I said. I loved your work and I wanted to be friends. However, the more I got to know you… the more I wanted to meet you in person. I knew that would be problematic.”

“Yeah, you could say that.” I scoffed looking down to my hands.

He inhaled a deep breath, “You connect with Dean Winchester the same way I do. To find someone like that is a once in a lifetime chance. I want someone who I can gush over Dean with because soon I won’t be hanging out with him as much and he’s the best imaginary friend I’ve ever had.”

Seeing Jensen open himself up to me was creating a battle of mind and body within me. He was just as nervous as I was to open up to someone else. Suddenly, I did not feel so alone in my isolation. My hand trembled as I reached over placing it atop of his.

“Dean Winchester saved my life and I don’t mean that figuratively. I was on the verge of leaping into darkness when I found him getting Sammy to find their dad. I found the strength to carry on because I knew that was what Dean would do. I found that being broken wasn’t a bad thing but something that could drive you to keep working. Dean helped me to feel again when I had become numb to the world around me.”

His eyes shined as I spoke trying to hold back his own tears, “I’m glad he could be there for you when you needed him the most.”

“Then you came into my life when I least expected it.” I whispered as I squeezed his hand.

My mind was screaming at me to get as far away from him as I possibly could. To call out to Sami to make him leave and move out of the state disappearing from the world. However, my body was urging me to jump into his arms. To open myself up to him as he had done with me. I felt like a spring coil ready to snap. My mind was holding my body back waiting for my consciousness to make a decision.

And she did.

I launched myself into his arms startling him as we crashed to the floor. His arms instinctively wrapped around me as mine encircled his neck. The door flew open as Sami came rushing in as Jensen’s laughter filled the room. I hugged him tighter to me as he tightened his grip around me.

“Oh my god… (Y/N), you’re hugging him.”

I did not need to open my eyes to know tears were slipping down my best friend’s cheeks. Her voice was thick with utter joy and amazement.

“Does this hug mean that you don’t hate me?” His question caught me off guard.

Jensen’s hands kept me in place as he sat up swinging my legs across his. My arms are still around his neck not wanting to lose the connection. Now that my body was against his, it flooded with the strange feeling of desire. Sami joined them on the floor sitting cross legged in front of them.

“I don’t think I could ever hate you. Though I’m still upset you lied to me.” I rested my head on my arm and against the side of his neck.

Feeling him sigh and seeing Sami grinning, I knew this was a big moment for all of us. We sat on the floor for another hour talking before Jensen had to go back to his room to get ready for the day. Neither of us wanted to let go of the other. He hugged me one last time before walking out of the suite. When I turned around I was immediately engulfed into another hug.

“I’m so proud of you!” Sami squealed.

“Thanks, I think…” My sentence drifted and she pulled away from me.

I walked back toward the bed and flopped face first onto it. I felt her crawl up on the bed beside me knowing me well enough to give me space.

“Talk it out, (Y/N). What are you feeling?”

My cheeks burned from the first feeling to pop into my head, “I feel warm, anxious, happy...” I paused gathering the courage to say the last word, “desire.”

“I’m sorry, what was that last one?” Sami eagerly asked.

I sat up, “Desire.” Saying the very word felt weird.

She began to clap and raised her hands in the air, “Praise the lord!”

“Don’t get all weird about it. I don’t know what any of this means. My body is tingling…”

Sami interrupted, “I bet it does…”

“Shut up, mostly not in that way. I don’t know how to act around other people anymore. What is too much touching? What is too little? What does a hug mean? I have too many questions and all the answers just walked out the door.”

I looked over as my phone chimed seeing a message from Ross, “I guess I need to change that now.” I murmured as I pulled up his message.

“First, thank you for trusting me with a hug. It means the world to me. I wanted to know if you wanted to have an early lunch with me? We could eat in my room or restaurant or your room with Sami. Whatever you are most comfortable with. Let me know.”

I held my phone up for Sami to read and she jumped off the bed, “You can have our room. I will go entertain myself by the pool.”

I texted him back that he could come to my room as Sami began tossing clothes out on the bed, “What are you doing?”

“Finding you the perfect outfit. Now go shower so I can play dress up with you.” She clapped her hands excitedly as I groaned loudly.

Looking in the mirror again, I pulled at the shirt clingy to every soft, round surface of my waist. I pushed my stomach watching as it bounced back into place like jello. Turning to the side, I sucked as many rolls as I could inward, holding my breath. The air rushed from my lips as a knock came from the door. Making my way towards it, I grabbed my zip-up hoodie slipping my arms in it quickly.

“Hi.” The word came out more breathlessly than I wanted.

My inner voice whispering, “Yeah fatty, let him know that walking across the room makes you lose your breath.”

“Hey there, I hope you don’t mind that I went ahead and grabbed lunch for us.” Jensen held up a paper bag from a local sandwich spot.

As he walked in, I took a moment to truly admire him. He looked like a male model in his tight dark jeans, black boots, dark olive Henley and sunglasses resting on top of his unruly, sandy brown hair. His smooth voice caught my attention.

“You could take a picture and it would last longer.” He chuckled sitting down on the couch and laying out their lunch.

I sat on the opposite side of him as far away as I could. Even though my body desperately wanted to be closer to him, I kept my distance not pushing my mental capacity. He glanced over a hint of disappointment in his eyes seeing me so far away.

Jensen slid a sandwich towards me, “I remember you telling me that you love ham and swiss with tomato.”

“Thank you.” I unwrapped the sandwich and grabbed a bag of chips.

We ate in silence as a strange tension built between us. My stomach churning to the point I could no longer eat. I would look over to him out of the corner of my eye to find his eyes drifting over me. I wrapped my hoodie around me instinctively trying to hide the imperfections.

“There’s no hoodie big enough to hide your ugliness.” The familiar voice whispered.

I shook my head when I heard music playing, looking back to Jensen. He smiled sheepishly as he set his phone on the table.

“I thought maybe some background noise would help,” He stood up clearing the food from the table then stood in front of me with his hand out, “Trust me?”

His eyes were shining from the afternoon rays of sun coming from the window and his lips were spread in a gentle smile. I exhaled slowly allowing all the tension to leave my body and placed my hand in his. He pulled me up from the couch taking my hands and placing them behind his neck. His large hands slid down my sides to my hips and I flinched.

“You do know that you’re beautiful, right?” He whispered swaying my body with the music.

I shook my head, “I’m really not. Ordinary at best.”

Jensen lifted my chin, piercing (Y/C/E) meeting , “You are far from ordinary, (Y/N).”

“You’re just being kind.” I looked away as he slowly turned us in a circle.

The music continued but Jensen stopped moving, “I have so many questions but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or have you running to the hills.”

“Questions for me? Surely, you have better things to do with your time other than sitting inside with me. Don’t you have fans to entertain?” I smirked.

He chuckled, “Lucky for you, I happen to have the day off. I normally spend the day with my family. However this year they all ditched me.”

I mockingly acted shocked, “Oh no! You poor thing.”

His eyes narrowed in on me before laughing, “My mom and dad are somewhere in Spain enjoying their anniversary gift. My sister decided a girls trip with her best friends was better than hanging with me for the day. My brother is always busy with his family. You’re stuck with me.”

“I guess there’s worse ways to spend my day. Okay, ask away but I’m not promising I’ll answer them all.”

Jensen led me back to the couch, but kept ahold of my hand as we sat back down. He laced his long fingers with mine. His thumb brushing over my knuckle. I settled back against the couch once again wrapping my hoodie around me.

“What were you thinking when I put my hands on your hips earlier?”

I bit my lower lip, “I was mortified that you were touching my squish rolls of skin. I was thinking you must be disgusted by it.”

“Wow…” He squeezed my hand, “Whoever he was he really did a number on you. If I ask his name and address would you be against me and Jared beating the crap out of him?”

A genuine burst of laughter echoed in the room, “He’s really not worth it. Plus, he is much happier with his life now and that’s all that matters. He deserves to be happy.”

I was surprised to see Jensen face scrunched up in anger, “But you don’t?” He leaned in slightly, his features softening.

“No, I don’t.” The words came out without even a second thought and seeing Jensen recoil from them as if they had slapped him in the face twisted my heart.

His tongue darted out over his lips and the electrical energy between us sparked wildly, “You’re wrong. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Any man who told you otherwise is no man at all.”

He was leaning in closer, his eyes never leaving mine. My heart pounding in my ears and my body urging me to meet him in the middle. His forehead pressed against mine and his nose caressed mine.

“I’m going to kiss you.” he whispered.

“I don’t think I remember how to kiss back.” The pathetic confession was followed by a wayward tear slipping down my cheek.

His soft, full lips pressed gently against mine. My mind searched for the file within the long abandoned cabinets for how to kiss someone. He pulled away for a split second only to return his lips to mine. I found my lips pushing against his out of basic instinct. Our lips melded together for a moment before I felt him smile against mine.

His hands cupping my face, “I think it will all come back to you easier than you may think.”

I took in a deep breath letting it out in a short burst, “I think you believe in me too much for only meeting me a few hours ago.”

Jensen was still holding my face as he leaned back, “Other than Jared and Mish, I have never felt closer to anyone, but you.”

“You have your work cut out for you then,” I pointed to my head, “because it’s a nightmarish mess up in here.”

He leaned in kissing me once again, “You are worth every second of being with you because you’re stunning, smart, talented, caring and most of all you’re beautiful inside and out.”

I stared up at him speechless as my inner guard laid down her shield, “I like this one.”

“No… no one has ever said that about me. I-I don’t know what to say or how to react.” I stammered, unable to comprehend what he said.

He smiled widely, “Get used to that feeling because I’m preparing for you to feel that way a lot. Now, I don’t want to test your boundaries too much so I think we should hang out here and watch a movie.”

Jensen moved to the end of the couch resting his arm along the back of it and propping his feet on the table. For the first time in forever, there were no inner voices to keep me from doing what I desperately wanted. I moved over next to him resting my back into his side and stretching my legs out to the other end of the couch. His arm draped over the front of my chest and his fingertips brushed against my side.

This time there was no flinching and I smiled at the small victory.

The rest of the weekend was like a dream. Seeing the convention backstage, meeting all the rest of the other actors on the show and most of all Jensen’s constant touch comforted me throughout it all. Sami beaming with pride as I pushed myself to be in the crowd for the concert on Saturday. When Sunday came, I found myself riddled with sadness knowing I would have to leave this magical weekend behind.

Sami had decided to go back to the hotel while I waited for Jensen to finish his autographs. I had noticed Clif, the boys’ friend and bodyguard, staying close by me. When the last fan left the autograph room, he motioned for me to follow him. Entering the room, I found Jensen with his head down on his table while Jared and Misha were fooling around at theirs.

Walking up, I slid my hands over his shoulders and began rubbing the knots out of them. A small groan escaping his lips sent a wave of desire over my body. I moved my hands down his back eagerly wanting to hear him again.

“Hey, if you’re giving free massages away I’ll take one!” Jared called out.

Jensen’s head snapped up, “Don’t even think about it Padalecki. Her hands are too precious for your sweaty self.”

I chuckled as he stood up letting my hands drift down his back. I knew he was fit but his body was firm and lean in all the right spots. As he moved away I found my fingers stretching out to touch him again. All weekend I had found myself craving his touch. My mind was obsessively thinking about his hand in mine or my arms around his waist or his hands gripping my hips. My cheeks felt like they were on fire and I heard him chuckle.

“You okay? You kind of spaced out for a moment.”

I nodded smiling, “I’m great. Just thinking was all.”

“Well come on, you and I can grab something to eat then hang out in my room.” His arm slipped around my shoulders and instantly I relaxed into his embrace.

Dinner was unexpectedly crashed by Jared and Misha tagging along. We found a twenty-four hours diner near the hotel that was nearly empty and we all spent a few hours talking, laughing. I could not help the sadness creeping over me as the minutes passed by. Minutes I was losing to have Jensen to myself. As if he read my mind he excused us to head back to the hotel.

We walked in silence, hand in hand. Stepping into the elevator, he pulled me into his side and I wrapped my arms around his waist. His room was on the opposite end of the same hall as mine. Stepping inside, the door clicking shut as we stood across from one another. It was like a shotgun going off as Jensen closed the distance between us. His hands sliding down my body as his mouth crashed to mine.

As suddenly as it happened, it was over.

“I’m sorry… shit. (Y/N) I’m really sorry.” His pleads confused me for a moment.

Breathing heavily as he stepped back further from me I blurted out, “W-Why are you apologizing? D-Did I do something wrong?”

His dark forest eyes snapped up, “You do something… you didn’t do anything but be you, (Y/N). I just couldn’t stop myself. This weekend has been the best one in my life. Being around you, holding your hand, kissing you has rejuvenated me. I just want more of you, all of you. Simple looks you give, the way you hold yourself and the moment you open yourself up to reach out to me. I just found myself unable to hold back anymore. I know…”

This time it was me who closed the distance between us. My lips crashing into his. My hands running up his broad chest and into his soft hair. The soft moan escaping my lips as we parted.

“I want you to have me…” I whispered in between breaths, “I’m nervous with a bunch of what ifs running in my head.”

“Do you trust me?” The corner of his lip curling upward.

“Yes.”

Jensen took my hand leading me into the bedroom of his suite. He gently picked me up and sat me on the bed. He knelt in front of me, slipping my shoes from my feet then pulling my socks off. His thumbs pressing into the bottom of my feet as I began to giggle.

“Oh… now that is an amazing sound. I must hear that again.” He smirked, tickling my feet.

I fell back in a fit of giggles as Jensen’s laughter joined mine. I leaned up on my elbows looking down at Jensen resting his chin on my knee. He lifted his brows asking permission and I nodded. His hands drifted over my calves, up to my knees and over my thighs.

“You have incredible legs. I found myself staring at them as you would walk in front of me with Sami. Wondering how they would feel beneath my hands.” He gently squeezed them near my hips.

His knee pressed into the mattress between my legs as his firm body hovered over mine. My fingers brushed against the hem of his shirt pushing it up and hesitantly touching his stomach. Jensen sucked in a quick breath as his hands paused on his hips. I focused on the feeling of his smooth, warm skin beneath my fingertips. His flat stomach is surprisingly soft.

I grasped the end of his shirt pulling it towards his head as he pulled back allowing it over his head. Taking it from my hands, he tossed it on the floor. I took in every inch of his skin from his muscles flexing to the freckles decorating it.

“You beautiful, you know that?” I did not think he heard me until I saw the smug smirk on his face.

He leaned down kissing me, “Stealing my lines, sweetheart.”

His hands went back to my hips as his lips left a trail of kisses down my neck, “You think that your softness is revolting, but I find it inviting.”

I froze as his hand pushed up into my shirt touching my stomach. I squirmed as he pushed my shirt up just under my bra. My hands threading through his hair as his lips pressed small kisses against my stomach.

“Jensen…” The tension in my tone caught his attention.

His eyes filled with worry, “Too much?”

I took a few deep breaths and shook my head, “I’m fine, promise.”

“See there you go, being brave and pushing yourself. You have no idea how sexy that is.” He murmured against my skin.

As Jensen’s mouth neared the waistband of my jeans, I tugged his hair motioning for him to come back up to her. He smiled randomly kissing spots along my body. His lips finally met mine as I slid my arms around him. His tongue swiped across my bottom lip as they parted for him. His gentleness and care to make me comfortable broke down the last existing wall of defense.

Their kiss deepened. My body burned with a need to feel Jensen’s skin against mine and to be close to him in every way physically possible. Foreign pressure began to simmer deep within me and I lifted my hips pressing them against his thigh.

He pulled away his eyes blown with passion searching mine for an answer to a silent question.

“Please… take away everything he did. I want to feel whole again.” I pleaded just above a whisper.

His lips were on mine again as he gently lifted me up further onto his bed. Sitting up, I pulled my shirt over my head holding it in front of me for a brief moment. His eyes watching my every move as I tossed it over the side. He reached behind me with one hand unclasping my bra in one swift movement.

I kissed his collarbone as he leaned in to do so, “Show off.”

He chuckled before leaning back and allowing me at my pace to unveiling my bare chest to him. I slid the straps down my arms holding it in place before playfully tossing it at him chuckling. Joking had always been my way of dealing with uncomfortable moments. When I looked up his eyes were drifting down my bare upper body.

“You’re beautiful, you know that?” He smirked as I rolled my eyes at him, “Seriously, (Y/N)... you’re absolutely stunning.”

He ran his hand down my chest, between my breasts and down to my jeans. He undid the button and slowly drew down the zipper. Hooking his fingers with a belt loops dragging my jeans down my legs. I shivered as the cool air hit my skin. Jensen tossed them off to the side then began to place gentle, open mouth kisses up my leg.

My breaths were coming out in small little puffs the further up my leg he got. His mouth hovered over her cotton cover mound inching closer to it. My teeth dug into my lip desperately wanting him to press them against me. Instead he kept his path up my body stopping at my breasts. He cupped the side of one running his thumb over my nipple.

A long sigh escaping my lips from just the slightest touch from him, “O-Oh… Jensen…” His mouth had gently suckled my other nipple, the pressure turning to an ache between my legs.

“You have no idea hearing my name from your lips does to me.” He softly said before circling my nipple with his tongue.

Feeling bold, I slid my hand down between us running it along the hard bulge being restrained by denim. Jensen sucked in a sharp breath dropping his head between my breasts, “Shit…”

“I believe I have some kind of an idea.” I smiled as he grinded himself against my palm.

He stood up at the edge of the bed, his intense stare making me tremble with anticipation. Leaning forward, his fingers hooked the sides of her cotton panties and pulled them down until they were on the floor.

“Exquisite, flawless, perfect.”

“As are you.” I sat up until I was sitting on the edge in front of him.

My hands trembled as I unbuttoned his jeans and carefully unzipped them. Jensen let out a soft hiss as I brushed against his length. His hands cupped my face pulling my lips to his urgently kissing me. I pushed his jeans and boxers down as far as I could before he pushed me back onto the mattress. His hand drifting down my body until his fingers pressed against my folds.

“Jensen, please…” I begged needing to feel any kind of relief from the pressure pulsating from between my legs, “Ohhh… god.”

Jensen began to rub lazy circles against my clit. My hips grinding against his hand as his lips pressed just below my ear, “Are you okay?”

His question sober me from the drunken stupor of desire and I placed my hand over his pushing down further, “More than okay.”

Jensen pushed one long finger deep inside me with a hiss, “Fuck pretty girl, your so tight.” He slowly pushed a second finger inside.

My head pressed against the mattress, my back arching as he pumped his thick fingers in me, “More, oh please Jensen, I need more.”

His pace picked up and I looked up to his face. His eyes wide and dark watching me come undone as his thumb rubbed harshly against my throbbing clit, “Jensen!” I cried out overwhelming pleasure wrecked through my body.

Breathing heavily, my body shaking slightly as he pulled his fingers from me, “Now that was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.”

A slow grin spread across my face as I pulled his mouth to mine. He positioned himself between my legs pulling away slightly, his lips grazing against mine.

“Are you sure? We can stop if you want.” Jensen’s tone was tense as I felt his length resting against my folds.

I kissed him, “I need you. All of you.”

He braced himself up with one arm as his hand slipped between us. Jensen ran the swollen head along my slickness before nudging it against my entrance. The room filled with groans and heavy breaths as Jensen slowly sheathed himself within me. There was a singe of pain as I stretched taking him his thick length but quickly was replaced with immense pleasure as he thrusted gently into me.

“So. Tight.” He panted against my cheek.

I wrapped my arms and legs around him digging my heels into him. Each stroke pushing me further to the edge. Feeling every muscle straining along his back and arms. His head buried in the crook of my neck grunting almost painfully. I knew then he was holding back.

I pressed my lips to his ear, “Jensen, I won’t break. You’re making me feel incredible, but I want you to let go. Show me how I make you feel.”

A low growl rumbled from his chest as he nipped at my neck and his hips snapped against me. The echoes of our skin meeting, loving praises and the headboard against the wall filled the room. I started to meet each thrust of his, the coil within me ready to snap. His hands were gripping my shoulders holding me against his burning body. I clung to him scraping my nails against his back making him growl again.

“Shit Jensen, I’m so close. Just a little more, oh god please!” I beg as he thrusted into me feverishly small grunts coming from him, “Yes, yes, oh… Jensen!”

My whole body was shaking as an intense wave of euphoria covered me. Pulsating around him, he abandoned all control chasing his own release.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” He gritted his teeth as his body went rigid before slamming into me his length twitching deep within me, “Holy shit…”

Jensen rode out his release, his arms shaking to the point he could not hold himself up anymore. I groaned as he pulled out leaving me empty. He rolled onto his back breathing heavily as I curled into his side burying my head into his chest.

“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” His concern only made me cling to him more.

I shook my head, “No, I’m just overwhelmed. Too many feelings at once.”

“Talk it out. Tell me what you’re feeling.” Jensen wrapped his arms around me holding me close.

I took a deep breath, “I’m feeling exhilaration, bliss, pleasure. Right now, I’m feeling empty and it’s almost like I can’t breath. I feel scared by how much I need to feel your touch.”

His fingers were drawing small circles against my bare back, “If that’s your way of asking for round two, you’re going to have to wait for a little bit. I haven’t come like that since I was a teenager.”

There was a brief moment of silence before I started to laugh. My body shaking from the laughter pouring from my lips. I kissed his chest, “Thank you.”

“You never need to thank me. It’s my honor to make you laugh. Bring your pleasure. Praise you for your beautifulness. More importantly, always holding you close to me.”

I entwined my legs with his as he pulled the sheet over our naked bodies. Just when I thought he was about to fall asleep, I slipped my hand over his soft member then pressed my lips just under his chin.

“Round two?”

If you enjoyed this story then check out my Masterlist!

My Nerd Herd: @waywardbaby @ladywinchester1967 @akshi8278 @ericaprice2008 @deans-baby-momma @spnbaby-67 @dean-winchesters-bacon @carryonmywaywardcaptain @-lovepeacenhope- @destiel745 @carribear31 @srsllydunnodoncare @whimsicalrobots @thisismysecrethappyplace @starstruckzonkoperatorbat @adoptdontshoppets @mrswhozeewhatsis @bella-ca @drakelover78 @imascio08 @pisces-cutie @dwgrl1903-blog @mannls @the-salty-asian @winchesterprincessbride @xostephanie @superromijn @witch-of-letters @time-travel-bouqet @screechingartisancashbailiff @myinconnelly1 @sister-winchesters99 @thekatherinewinchester @maddiepants @tumbler-tidbits @sandlee44 @destielhoneybee @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @thefaithfulwriter @stoneyggirl @supernaturalginger @emoryhemsworth @wednesdayismyfunday @team-free-will-you-idjiot @atc74 @cosicas-cuquis @casseythebee

#jensen ackles fanfiction #jensen ackles fanfic #jensen ackles x plus size!reader #jensen ackles #angst #fluff #smut

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the-sith-in-the-sky-with-diamond · 4 years ago

Photo

Hey just a little update because it have been a long time :D

I haven’t changed my tumblr blog structure this time but a little reminder for those who are curious:

The explanation of the actual tags

Where you can find my commission cost [I need to update the picture...]

And some social new link!!

Discord ! ( I will use it for some main things: play with people of other game than swtor (OW etc), made announcement for my streams, and made IRL/personal stream (like drawings, sewing etc) there! \o/ Be ready to scream YAAAAAAAAR if you join the crew! )

Toyshouse (okay there is nothing there for now but stay tuned)

Pillowfort (saaaame... I’m getting on it slowly and will put there the nswf art from kinktober)

Ao3 (I should posting on november the fic updated)

Twitter ( a mix of French irl random things and some of my drawings blabla)

Instagram ( same than twitter, and I’m not very active on both xD)

Deviantart (sometimes there is more content on tumblr, like the sketch, but if you want to see all my gallery and nswf drawings it’s there! On October I’m reorganizing it!)

Ko-fi !! (Olalala now I can have an account to receive and give whooohoo)

And I’m new to streaming there, if you want to follow me! I might stream a various things on swtor (social event, stronghold tour, sm/hm ops, mm fps, quest etc), Northgard (normal conquest, pvp), Role play (Fallout, wow), some wow (reacting to / doing the the BFA storyline, raid), Overwatch (I will be salty caution :p), and some other games like trine, orc must dies, dungeon fun with comrades; redoing the story on DA:I, Mass effect; discovery of some indies games and things like assassin’s creed and Red Dead Redemption 2, Lichdom Battlemage etc. Just... don’t be afraid to my terrible accent! xD .. and sometimes art when I will be more confident to stream somewhere else than discord! [for exemple, I have began the Mass Effect trilogy from the 4th October! Join us :p ]

My old art commission sheet! (I need to update how it looks like the costs will remain globally the same)

Oh also I’m playing to Animal Crossing: new horizon and camping if you want to add me!

Oh and if you are lost on my blog, there is an explanation over there!

As always, some promises/updating :

I’m getting slowly on my tags answer, and on my ask box. Thanks a lot for everyone who had and keep tagging and asking me question.

I will try to spend less time on running everywhere in swtor so I would have more time to do things outside! Yeay! That mean really answering things! And streaming more! .. maybe...

Also, I’m so sorry, I have been through a lost of my graphic tablet (and on other thing it was complicated to do other things rather than sketch, and as I wanted to have a good drawing, I cannot do it on that), a hard depression (who keep me drawing for a lot of month, except one or two, and then to fully get back on the.. seat... it have been long as well. I keep stopping drawing for a lot of weeks, but I’m globally feeling better and back on wanting to draw again so)... anyway, there is no excuses. But I have to work on Rae and a viewer comm and then I should be able to FINALY work on the other reward for my giveaway!! It have been one year... Sorry, it have been long and unacceptable, but I have gone through so many things... BUT I DON T FORGET ANYONE it will comes I swear!! - edit october: I still have some comm ongoing but I should be available to draw it soon!!

#blog update #master post

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corvidry · 4 years ago

Text

All About RP Icons For Beginners by Birdy

Hi OP, I’m not sure how experienced you are with all the nonsense surrounding the making and using of RP icons, so I’m gonna come at it as though you don’t have any experience with it at all and I’m sorry if that’s too simplified for you, but also if I’m gonna write many paragraphs about one topic I may as well make it accessible for as many people as possible ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

This post goes into what tools are out there for the popular methods of finding/making RP icons in the first half and my personal methodology for choosing and using them in my RP for the second half. This is a very surface level answer to the question and is not meant to be an in depth tutorial for the more labor intensive aspects of the process, but if you guys want more information and can’t find it elsewhere, please ask and I'll know what I should be talking about next.

Also I’m also contractually obligated to mention to the masses that I do take commissions both for the drawing of RP icons and the service of capping, cutting, recoloring, and framing canon icons. Sometimes I even post batches of canon character icons for free on this blog so like,,,,, hit me up if you want. But!! You don’t need me, you can absolutely do all of it yourself!! I go into the broad strokes below.

Question 1: “How do you get icons?”

This is kind of a broad question and the answer depends on what your needs are. The right answer for you is gonna live in one of two camps

Find some that already exist that are free to use

Make them yourself / commission somebody else to make them for you.

What you'll choose is gonna depend a lot on your character first and foremost. The big determining factor in most cases is whether or not the face you want has been in anything you can take pictures of.

If you have a canon character who exists in visible media--

--you're in luck! The chances of you finding some resources that exist already is higher when you have a canon character who is in at least a few pieces of media. OP asked about Pearl from Steven Universe, and she's a great example of a character with a lot of resources. Searching for rp icons of a popular character will often yield packs of icons on Tumblr, Dreamwidth, Livejournal, etc. Most of these will be completely free to use or have very reasonable conditions for use (like credit the person who made them for example.) It's often a good first step to see what preexisting resources are available to you even if you still plan on making your own icons.

If you have an OC or a character that's not all that popular--

--you're gonna fall into the second camp. If you want icons, you have to have them made. So what are your options?

Help! My character appears in no media! What are my options?

If your character appears in no media you're in a tough spot. Different people approach this problem in different ways.

Face Claims

One option you have is to choose a face claim to represent your character. In roleplay a face claim or ‘FC’ is a person or character whose appearance you use for the physical description of your character. I personally am not big on doing this, I prefer drawn icons and I tend to RP as animated characters, but some people really like using celebrities and stuff to represent their characters. When I was playing Angus McDonald he hadn't appeared in any visual media yet, so I sometimes used Bryce Clyde Jenkins as the face claim for certain types of threads.

If you're somebody who likes to use face claims there are loads of resources out there for finding the perfect one, including here on tumblr. Try searching up RP Faceclaim Directory and playing around with some of the ones that pop up.

DIY RP Icons

The other option you have is to create those icons from scratch. Draw them yourself based on icons you like or commission an artist to draw some for you. If you can't draw yourself, I've seen some people get really creative with this. Some people create their character in the sims, dollmakers, or their favorite RPG and then take screenshots of that to use for icons. There's also no law that says every icon you use has to be your character's face. When I was writing a trashy mermaid AU I got a lot of mileage out of icons that depicted harbor and oceanic scenes with no actual faces. Get creative, go nuts, have fun.

Icons Aren’t That Important

The other thing to remember that icons are not a must in many RP circles. It's perfectly possible to have a great time and write cool stuff without any pictures at all. Depending on your platform of choice there are probably also other interesting ways you can make your posts unique to you by formatting the text or using symbols or emojis or otherwise denoting your personal style in text.

Help! My character appears in lots of media! How do I make icons?

Again, there are a million and one answers to this question and it really depends on what tools are available to you and what your preferences are. This section is not a tutorial but it will outline some of the options you can look into.

The icon making process is typically in 2 stages-- stage 1: get all your images of your character, and stage 2: edit all of those images into icons.

If you have access to the source material, any version of Photoshop, and software that automates the collection screencaps from video (KM Player, VLC, etc) you're pretty much gucci. You're gonna have no problem getting loads of nice icons in a reasonably short amount of time and there are a million different tutorials on how to use those things whichever way you prefer.

If you don't have access to those things you still have options.

You can still screencap things manually, and you can screencap in batches by holding down the windows key and pressing PrtSc any time you want to save an image. They should be saving to >pictures>screenshots unless you’ve set things up differently. It’s a good way to take a lot of screenshots without stopping in between.

( EDIT / UPDATE: to say that if you use automation for taking screencaps remember to turn that shit off when you’re not using because it oh mylanta it WILL continue to take images without you realizing. Figured out where all my disk space has been going with this rookie mistake, thanks OP)

Additionally, PhotoScape X is a really great little tool for windows and mac that I've never seen anybody talk about, but I use it sometimes and it's totally free with the exception of a few paid features I’ve never once needed or wanted. This program is not as efficient as using Photoshop but it has presets for cropping images easily as well as batch editing options for some basic borders and color retouching. While it’s not as powerful as Photoshop, you can get a lot done with it reasonably quickly compared to other choices. You can also take and edit snips of anything on your screen with it, which is really really useful if you don’t have access to the video or image files you would need on your hard drive for other version of this process. The program looks like this:

Also, not to be like a minimalist about it, but you can also just fucken use Microsoft Paint or whatever you have. Like, whatever, there’s no law. You graphics dont have to be comlpex or deep fried. Half of my icons have been made or edited in paint at some point. It wont be as fast as some of these other methods but a lot of us aren't out here making icons in batches of 100 at a time.

Anything that you can use to make smallish images of your characters face will work to make icons.

If you want more information about any of these methods of icon creation let me know and I’ll talk about them.

Question 2: “How do you make your icons ‘work’ in posts?”

I'm a little confused on what you mean by "make them work" so I'm gonna cover my bases here. I'm assuming what you're getting at is a sort of sense of cohesion in the icons I use, or having the "right" expression for the scene I'm writing. Either that or them not stretching and looking weird thanks to tumblr. I’ll get to both of those.

And before I go into my own rationale for icon choices I feel I should point out that a lot of people who aren't me do successfully manufacture cohesion out of their images by doing fun stylistic things like recoloring their images all the same way or putting cute borders and stuff around them or making them fun shapes, and that's totally something you can learn how to do if it interests you. I do this for icons commissioned by other people and I’m not against talking about how to do those things, but I don’t really bother with them for my own icons all that much. That stuff is all fun and it’s a neat thing you could get into that can make your icons all look really nice together.

BUT ANYWAY --

Since the character you asked about is Pearl, I’m going to focus on her. Nearly all of my Pearl icons are completely unedited and a lot of the credit I would have to give regarding icon quality goes to Pearl herself and the consistently good lighting that the show uses. I don’t have a huge need for editing or color retouching beyond making memes or whatever other goofy things I might be getting up to. Pearl is extremely expressive compared to other characters I have written and since she's in nearly every episode, I've managed to collect…

...oh god, that’s too many icons.

Pearl is a main character and I've been RPing as her for over 6 years now so I have a fuckload of images to choose from and I'm not gonna pretend that doesn't help when I wanna “make things work”. She gives me a lot of options.

That said, you absolutely don't need 3000 images to make a good post. The way I've collected and organized these images may be of use to you even if you dont have as many icons. I've done a lot with my setup to make finding the right icon very easy.

For starters, a minor subset of my Pearl icons are grouped by a particular defining feature. I have one large Pearly folder full of icons and then a few smaller folders inside for icons I thought worth grouping separately. For example, all icons of SUF Pearl in her new jacket are in the same folder. All icons of Pearl in short term alternate outfits are in the same folder. Anything I sourced from Attack the Light is in its own folder. I do this with anything that has a very specific use, such as writing AU content or flashbacks to specific time periods. If I can picture an icon in my head, I usually know where in my ridiculous hell collection to go to find it.

This folder was originally just for her pre-canon outfit but now all of her outfits that only appeared temporarily are in there.

Perhaps more important for the sake of cohesion is that nearly all of my icons that aren’t squirreled away in some smaller folder are loosely arranged by episode. What that means is that most of the time I have icons from the same scene right next to one another. It makes it incredibly easy to make my RP replies appear as though it's all one cohesive scene even if I use more than one icon. When you do it this way it becomes very easy to choose icons that have the same lighting or that appear to lead from one expression seamlessly into another. Exhibit A:

While the vast majority of my icons are numbered, I do take the time to name ones I find myself using a lot or that have particularly unique expressions. Usually I'll choose names that I'll find descriptive or easy to remember based on the context of the icon. You can have a lot of fun with that and never lose your favorites.

Also don't be afraid to lean on icons you got from weird places if you like them. The icons of Pearl from the official comics run don’t look like most of what I have. I think them being different would turn a lot of RPers off, but I use them a lot because I like the style and I almost never see other Pearl RPers using them. It either makes me stand out or it makes me tacky, one of the two, haven’t figured out which, but also I’m not stopping.

And just to reiterate, you can use icons that aren’t your character if they’re thematically relevant or vague enough to look like them. When I’m capping I’ve started saving a folder of miscellaneous environments of interests, hands, and other everyday types of scenery that appear in the thing I’m taking screencaps of.

You can use any size you want for RP icons but the most common is 100x100 or 150x150 pixels. Any smaller than that and the image gets to be difficult to read and work with in my opinion. That doesn’t stop people, of course, but I’m elderly and need glasses now, so no tiny icons for me. On that note, I rarely see RP icons larger than 300x300. Any larger than that it tends to get bulky and be in the way of other people’s comfortable internet browsing experience, especially on mobile. Of course, these are just my suggestions. What you choose will ultimately be up to you, but somewhere in that 100 to 300 px range is pretty safe.

A very tumblr specific thing to know is that any image that is wider than 300 pixels will be stretched to hell, so you probably want to keep it smaller than that.

Thanks, Tumblr, I hate it!

Also, don’t be afraid to make trash images for fun if you’re so inclined. People love that, or at least I do. Not having the right icon can be fun and lead to a very silly solution. Lean into being a shitposter if that’s what you’re called to do.

So yeah, that’s basically what my suggestions are. Collect your images in a way that helps cohesion and ease of use. Keep them a good size. Don’t be afraid to get unconventional with your choices or make memes or whatever. It’s all for a fun time.

Anyway, that’s all I can think of right now, but more info on any of this can be obtained at the price of one ask, I know it was a lot of different moving parts.

#rp #rp icons #birdy answers #my graphics #my icons #long post

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riskeith · 4 years ago

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hehe, hi!! hope you slept well even if you stayed up until 3-4 am (?) also what fic... what paring... 👀

genshin charas be like: *wavy beautiful flowy deep hair* tbh and we just gotta accept that. just keep practicing and i’m sure you’ll do them more than justice. your stuff is already great so far!! I JUST SAW HIS ISLE ANIMATION RAZOR IS LITERALLY BEST BOY? also his voice actor... ☹️🥺 razor is catboy we love it.

i’m gonna run around with him and just think about you always i promise!!!! [as if i don’t do that already hehe 😏] some day it will be i’m actually hopefully they’ll do it. too many people want cross server they cannot pass that up.. :(

thank u!! hehe, it’s a tododeku piece and it was one of my first bnha fics i started working on. basically it’s a radio au? i love those so much... midoriya’s a radio host and todoroki listens to him to help his insomnia and they start talking and it’s basically Yearning... jshdjdhdkd this one is actually one of those fics ive always wanted to do but felt stuck with multiple times shdjdsshdh but i don’t wanna let it die just yet so we’ll see what i’ll do with it. and yeah!!! long fics are super intimidating. i agree with everything you said lmao. the stuff i post is actually only one shots. multi-cap scares the fuck out of me bc what if you just lose motivation and then there are people that are waiting for updates and aaah. when i used to do longer fics i used to write it all out before posting the chapters that way i was Sure it was all done. most of my longer fics just end up never leaving my drive account because of that reason.. i literally have fics with over 20k words that have just died out... yikes. hahahah. and omg imagine a wip dump i’d read them all!! who knows what gold your big brain has hidden from us....

YOU HAVE A STUDY? now that’s just sexy of you. stop i feel like people that study at home in a specific office are studious. there’s something super fancy about having a work space at home... and a bookshelf my god what a dream... 😍 books are the most important!!!!! my makeup is hidden in a makeup bag so it doesn’t touch them. i’d literally cry if anything happened to any of them shsjdjk. your bookshelf said 2013 vibes and i adore it. all of those are such good vibes tbh i can’t believe you have them at home... awww <3 do you like the movie adaptions as well?

what happens after 12 yo? do you have secondary school?

I HAVE NO CLUE... god albedo so gorgeous. we’ve just been praising him for days and i’m still not tired of him. he’s so perfect!!!!! if he comes back another time i’m definitely gonna go for it. also AHH? i cant wait for the razor pic aaah you made me so excited now... <3

i made a asia server acc earlier!! god it feels so weird to start anew sjdkdhdk all the tutorials.. not having wings... nothing. just paimon and me running around in the whispering woods. kind of tedious actually but gotta do it for the wifey.. 🥰 i’m thinking i’m gonna hustle hard this weekend to hopefully get up at least to level 10 or something. omg we are literally gonna be that meme where the short person stands in front of taller person and says “they asked for no pickles”... have you seen them? i suck at explaining shjdjdjd anyway. CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU PLAY... 😍 the homoerotic tension in the domains... 😍 also i was thinking,. we get a lot of primogems early in the game and i’m gonna try to spin for xingqiu so we can have that date after all... 😏

YOU HAVE 5 ACCS? my girl is booked and busy. can i ask what for help... also do you ever tweet the wrong things on the wrong accs? and idk what a moment is but i’d absolutely watch that. i wanna see ur cute screenshots... 🥺 YOUR THEME IS SOOOOOO FUCKING GOOD!!!!! ohdhsjshsjshsjsj it’s soooo fucking nice I LOVE IT the colors and the pose. THE MOON ABOVE HIS HEAD. mark me as in love... 🥺

it’s me who cannot wait to hear from YOU. i can’t stop thinking about how soon we’ll run around together aaaah... <3333

i finished responding to your ask at like 3am and slept then!! it was.... drarry 😳😳 they’re legitimately all i read these days even tho i have like one (1) knowledge about hp and its lore FHDKFHSDFJSDKKHSD just the enemies to lovers dynamic you know??? ugh 😩😘👌

fjksdfh thank!! HE’S THE BESTEST BOY!! lil pup 🥺🥺 AND HERE’S THE IMAGE:

LOOK AT HIM M.A. LOOK!!!!!!!!!!! dont you just want to give him everything <333 all the wolfhook he wants... all the good pats... 😭😭😭😭

hehe <33 and hopefully some day!!! i think realistically they wouldn’t, but one can hope hfsdkfhkdsjkh

:o concept! oooo does todoroki know it’s midoriya or is he just pining for the mystery radio show host 😩🤪 i hope you’re able to keep it alive! ahaha ganbatte plus ultra 💪💪💪 you 🤝 me sticking to one-shots. fjdslfkj damn writing it ALL before posting tho requires so much patience... that’s so admirable.... im legit so hungry for like attention and validation from my fics i can’t not post fhdsfsdhsdhk even if it’s still a wip... and the giving up on a multichap i’ve done that LOLLLLLLLLLL i was so in denial about it too even tho i knew i was never gonna go back to it i went from pretending it didnt exist to announcing a hiatus to then announcing its discontinuation fhdskfjsdkjfskdhfdsks

FHSKFHSDKJ ye!! ahah actually now that you say it like that ... makes me sound so profesh 😩 nice! that’s good protect the books first and foremost hfksdhkfs. 2013 was a vibe too i reckon.. that was when catching fire came out <333 which relates to your question, i do *mostly* like the movie adaptations! if i watch the movies before the books then it’s all good, but if i’ve already read the books and then i go into the adaptation..... yikes HSHAH but sometimes it’s been so long i forget the book plot so it’s alright. i do think the hunger games adaptations were really good though!!! hbu do you like the movies?

yup we call it high school!! and that goes from 13-18 yo.

albedo... always on the mind 🥰🥰🥰 i think once i get xiao i might maybe roll of every banner after? just to try LOL idkk.

!! im so sorry you have to go through all that tedious stuff again 😭😭😭 but im so thankful 😍😍😍😍 once you reach co-op levels dw we can do all the quests together so you won’t have to suffer through them with difficulty 🤪 and no i didn’t know that meme but i just looked it up and omg that energy... can’t wait for that to be us :p XINGQIU!!! im so excited omg.. that was one of the other reasons i was willing to start again so i could try roll him fshfksjd. channeling luck for you so you get him again!!! and then chongyun can be with the boyf <33

5 but only 3 i use!!! my kpop twt, anime, and then my ‘main’ (for posting just fics and art etc). the other 2 are basically just there to save URLs hfskdfhskd. and no i don’t!! im super conscientious about that bc im so paranoid hfkshfsdfhsdfjksdhfks y’all won’t catch me slipping 🤪 and a moment is basically just a collection of tweets! but i realised you actually need to tweet them first for that to happen fshfhsdkfd but here are some thumbnails!

THANK UUUU chongyun really is my muse.. who needs irl photography when i can do all this in game <33333

ME NEITHER!! you got me smiling like a fool just thinking about it... hope you slept well! mwah :*

#marriage anon #wowclunaanswers #long post

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lordofevildreams-a · 4 years ago

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Rules *UPDATED*

⚠️ = A pretty important rule on my blog. If you’re in a hurry, just read these bullets. The rest is basically either common sense or not very important.

⚠️I don’t really answer IMs, I am VERY slow at it if I do. Discord is better for chat, feel free to ask for it. Asks work too to talk to each other. Spam will get you blocked..

—-

Opens are for anyone!

⚠️NSFW is allowed, but not smut really (I will do smut, but I need to know you well and be in the mood for it.) I don’t like smut really, but things like violence, gore, and all that is fine and I like it. There will be dark themes on this blog. Ask to tag.

Any age is welcome to my blog. I will be honest, I have a LOT more patience with younger folk than adults. I am 25 years old.

⚠️Do not pester me for replies, wait before asking. Give it three days.

⚠️ I stay away from plotting. I will plot a starting point though.

I don’t like fighting RPs, so I stay away from those. I only will do them with people if it’s a short fight, or if I am very close to you.

Note: I will still do fighting RPs, however you MUST understand Shigaraki is severely OP. I will not tone him down and hold him back. Only thing I will hold him back on is killing or maiming your muse.

To do a fighting RP, this rules post MUST be liked or replied to indicate you've read it.

Me unfollowing you will happen for the following; You have untagged stuff I don’t want to see, post too much ooc (I am perfectly fine with ooc talk, but if you’re reblogging pictures and random posts that has NOTHING to do with your muse, I will PROBABLY unfollow (unless it amuses me or I don’t mind it.) WHEN I UNFOLLOW it means I will STILL RP with you. I just didn’t want your stuff on my dash.

Blocking= You give me bad vibes, I don’t like the way you talk to me, you vague post, issues that are with YOU and not the blog. You’ve broken rules. WHEN I BLOCK SOMEONE, I will NOT RP with them or talk to them or anything. I give no warnings, cuz I don’t have to.

I will never soft block someone.

I will RP with MOST fandoms.

Mun =/= Muse.

Paragraphs > one liners. That being said, most of my starters will be one liners.

I ship with chemistry. Please don’t be hurt if I don’t approve of a ship. Muse must be 18+ to ship with Shigs.

I will likely not ship with aged up minors. I will still RP with you! I have just had bad experience shipping with an aged up minor with other people.

This blog is mutliship.

Do not drag me into drama. Do not start drama with me. If you have issues with someone I RP with, either black list their tag, or simply unfollow me. You may warn me about someone, but that doesn’t mean I will reply nor take action.

I usually stay away from multi threads. (Unless with multi muses and it’s with a different character.)

I will probably not RP with anyone who has their OC muse related to Shigaraki in some way. It doesn’t sit well with me and you will probably be blocked. If it’s a friend and someone I know, then I will allow it.

Don’t like a starter call if you don’t intend to reply. I don’t remind people due to anxiety. If you like for a starter and don’t reply numerous times, I will likely stop giving you one.

No god modding, auto hitting, etc. We all know that stuff. Don’t do it. Unless you get permission of course

I do not send pass words for rules read. I admit, I DO forget, or I’ve read so many they blend together.

Mun is a potato.

Mun uses he/him pronouns himself, however, I really do not care what you refer to me as. Whatever you see me as is okay by me~. (He/him/she/her/they/them. It all works.)

⚠️If you make a starter in my ask, reply to it in a separate post. Honestly if you don’t do this, there’s a big chance I won’t reply.

⚠️Do not spam me. It upsets me.

Do not reblog RPs you are part of.

⚠️I AM NOT YOUR THERAPIST. Please do NOT come to me with your problems. Only very close friends may vent to me that I feel comfortable with. I’m sorry this sounds mean but it really affects my own health when I start helping random strangers. If you come to me starting something, I will probably ignore it.

I AM FLEXIBLE, I CAN and WILL make exceptions! Just ask about whatever is on your mind.

⚠️I do have a job and other hobbies. RPing won’t always be my main thing to do on my list.

⚠️And the most important rule on this blog– HAVE FUN!

—-

WARNING: Stealing my icons will get you into a LOT of trouble. I will get nasty and even resort to call out post. Stealing my icons IS theft, as I had either paid for them or made them myself, which took me HOURS to do. I will not tolerate theft. I will not share my icons with anyone, so please do not ask. If you see someone using my icons, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

Just leave a like or a comment of a fact about yourself to let me know you read it! SIDE BLOGS-- comment with what side blog(s) you have, so I know!

#rules

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letsdiscoverkitty · 5 years ago

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CPA update (30th August 2019)

I did not plan to write this this evening but I needed to get this out somewhere.

I know I haven’t been very present online and I can only apologise for that but as you can imagine things have been quite challenging since being admitted. I had my first CPA so I thought I would make a little post to help me begin to process it/get some thoughts down....(warning: very long post ahead, snacks may be necessary, and I am sorry if it does not read well/make much sense, I literally just typed my heart out)

For those who are not sure of what one is, a CPA is basically a care plan review where your treatment team review the past few weeks/months (time since the last review) and then start to plan the next stages of your care. It is a chance for different members of your treatment to meet and make sure that everyone is on the same page. Today my CPA consisted of my consultant, one of the nursing staff from the ward, the OP ED nurse I was seeing before I came in, myself and my parents. The first half of the review was just between professionals, I was then called into the room for a discussion followed by my parents nearer the end.

It is hard to remember what I have shared online so I am sorry if some of the things I mention do not make sense but I will try to cover most of what happened. I had my ward round on Thursday (due to the bank holiday weekend just gone), in which a lot of new ideas were brought to the table as, well, no one really knows what to do with me… A week or so ago I wrote a letter to my consultant as I was beginning to worry about what the plan was for when I was discharged (as it was being implied that I was to be discharged over the next few weeks)/that my community team were not replying to any messages and that I was concerned about going back home to live at my parents house.

My main worries with returning home were mainly because it is a place where I have been unwell for many years and I find that when I go back there it is almost like anorexia snaps back without me realising it/I can’t control it. Sadly due to being unwell at home for years, I do associate home with bad things, I also do not currently have no goals or things to be working towards (i.e. I have no education to go back to, no job lined up or thought about to go back to) and the worry is that I would be going back home to just anorexia and relapsing backwards. Throw into the mix that my mum retired last week, as well as the family dynamics always being quite rocky (along with being geographically being incredibly socially isolated), I think it is fair to say that I was extremely worried about the prospect of home leave let alone moving back home permanently and with very limited outpatient support.

A long story short, my consultant agrees that going back home is likely not going to help me move on/recover/give me a chance of living a life beyond this, however she also does not believe that staying in an acute EDU will help (which I do understand). In terms of why she thinks that being on the unit for longer might not help include that my weight has not been reaching the targets that are expected, I am struggling on leave/when I get given more control, as well as the usual pitfalls of being on an EDU like being trapped around a lot of other acutely unwell people, having the identity reinforced and the lack of responsibility/it not necessarily coming from me. I floated the idea of going to live in Reading with Andi however she shot me down straight away at that stage saying that I was far too unwell for that…

Anyway, to get to the point, she wants to apply for funding for me to go into residential treatment. This is not something that I know much about, although I do know that getting funding for a place is very very hard and that there are very few places that offer it in the country….from what she explained to me it is a more holistic approach, with the focus on helping you build a life beyond anorexia whilst also supporting you nutritionally. (it sounds far too fairytale-esque for my liking…)She said that as I have had a lot of psychological input and have been under services with very few gaps over the years, that it was obvious that a new approach was needed and that this style might be that. Apparently I have incredible insight/understanding however because the anorexic neural pathways/cognitions have become so strong and rigid, I find it near impossible to force myself to follow through with the theory that I know so well.

I honestly have no idea how I feel right now. I am utterly lost and confused and don’t really know what to do with myself. I feel like no one knows what to do with me/what will help and they are just trying to get rid of me. I want to recover, I really do. My consultant said that it is not that I don’t want to or don’t have motivation, but that it is the degree of severity of the illness and the complexity of my case, which kind of helped but also left me feeling very broken and hopeless.

She tried to explain all of this to my parents today and I am actually relieved that she was able to speak to them about it as there is no way that I would have been able to approach the subject. She explained it in scientific terms and tried to be realistic about the whole process (which could likely take months to apply for funding, let alone get on the waiting list/pass assessments).

My OP team are apparently supportive of this and are going to work together with the IP team, my consultant and the therapist I was seeing as an OP to put together a proposal for the CCG. Sadly, as I have mentioned this is going to be quite a lengthy process and I don’t really know where it leaves me…If this were not being explored then I would be getting discharged to the same very minimal support that I have had over the past x years, which has not been enough in the past.

So what now? Good question. Basically I have been told that I have to “prove” to the CCG that I am not just in need of an acute EDU admission and that the funding would not be going to waste…this means that I have to show that I can maintain my weight in the community (or gain if possible) as if I were to relapse they would likely just say that I need an acute admission and refuse the funding, leaving me back at square one.

This admission was never going to be a long one, I knew that, but part of me was hoping for a bit longer…I suppose it has brought to the surface the necessity for a different approach to be explored, which I hope means something. Basically my admission can’t be extended, that has been made clear, and I now have a discharge date for two weeks time…with little to no idea of time length beyond that in regards to this talk of residential.

I honestly don’t know what to think or how to feel right now, I really don’t. Part of me thinks that they are making a big fuss over nothing and that there is no way that I will get funding as there are so many people out there with far worse scenarios than mine who need it more. At least I have a home to go to, I know there are many people who dont, so I should really just suck it up and try and do what I can at home with the support that I have.

I have no idea what the residential would entail practically but I am worried that it could end up feeding into my eating disorder even more? I know the reason for the admission would be to help me build a life beyond anorexia, but surely being stuck in a place like that almost reinforces that identity? I dont know, I am very confused about everything right now :(

Short term plan: I have an appointment set up with the ED nurse I am to see in the community for Monday morning and have been given a bit of extra leave this weekend to make it possible for me to attend. When I return to the ward on Monday afternoon I will be moving onto transition and have been promised that I will have a number of appointments with the dietitian over my last two weeks in order to create a realistic maintenance plan for when I go home (as well as trying to get my mum to attend an appointment with the two of us). I am also trying to get an appointment for my mum to come to a family therapy session (they have pretty much written off my dad as someone who can be supportive for a number of reasons which I do not want to go into right now) Being on transition hopefully will give me a bit of an opportunity to self-cater some meals and practice before I move back home for the foreseeable future.

It all feels very rushed and uncertain and I was not expecting to get this much leave this weekend so don’t really know what to do with myself but yeah I suppose this is where things are at. The ward has been quite a tricky environment so on the one hand I am glad to have some space, however Im also worried about it too.

I am sorry, I realise that this whole post probably comes across as extremely selfish and stupid - I wish I could shake myself/pull myself together and just do what I know I need to do but whywhywhy do I keep ending up back in the same place time and time again? I have tried so bloody hard over the past x years but it has never been enough….I do not want to end up being sent to a unit where I will spend months/my consultant briefly mentioned that admissions are usually between 1 and 2 years long…I really dont. but I dont know what else to do with myself when so many options have been explored. I am tired of it all, of everything. It is like I dont know where to turn anymore. Part of me feels like I am just getting palmed off from place to the next because no body knows what to do with me. sigh. I am sorry for throwing this pity party. I wish I had some more positive news to share with you all. I suppose yes I have made some progress since I was admitted. I have gained weight. I am no longer in as much danger as I was. I have had to face a lot of changes in terms of routines, eating different foods, times, I can think a little clearer, I have more concentration etc. Things are just very hard at the moment and having everything in terms of my treatment thrown up in the air like this has made me feel even more unsettled and uncertain about everything. I have no idea what the next few weeks/months may hold so for now I am going to have to continue to take each day as it comes and see where it takes me. Sorry again for the ridiculous length of this post, you genuinely deserve a gold medal if you have stuck with me through this.

#personal #tw #tw just in case #long post #I am sorry for being so rubbish and not updating or posting much #things havent been very good #and I am struggling more than I care to admit #thank you for sticking by me though #you have no idea how much it means to me #sorry if this does not make sense

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harusha · 5 years ago

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What are your top pokemon games??

Official or fangame? I’ll just list both. I will say Pokemon Reborn is my top-rated overall if we combine both lists (with HGSS and Collesseum/XD following as 2 and 3 respectively.)

On Official, it’s

1. Heartgold/Soulsilver (My favorite region is Johto, and Ethan is my favorite Pokemon protagonist so…unsurprising. The games are still genuinely good though imo because of the massive amount of content and post-game and QoL stuff like following Pokemon, auto-run, etc.) I also love the nostalgic feeling of the region. Lance is also here, and I like him and his design a lot, not as much as Volkner though. Also Proton is here, and I love the dude so. Pedometer is included here.

2. Pokemon Colosseum/Pokemon XD; I include this together since they’re a duo set in terms of story. XD is the better one gameplay-wise because of the new additions of Shadow moves, more Pokemon choices, QoL changes like saving, etc. but Colosseum is the harder of the two games imo b/c of the sparsity of Pokemon–if you can play it on laptop, mod XD with Pokemon XG for massive QoL changes (Fairy Type, more shadow Pokemon, upped difficulty, etc.)

I like how this set tries new stuff and it honestly showcases how if you the Pokemon IP to a third-party, you end up with something that tries to be different and actually plays pretty well.

3. Pokemon BWBW2; included as a set because of joint story line. Honestly, I feel like BWBW2 are objectively the last great mainline series additions. Even if you didn’t care for the story, they at least tried with it and the rivals. You had the nice rival in Bianca and the “focused/ruder” rival in Cheren, and both encompassed the themes of the game (Truth with Bianca as she realizes her ineptness as a trainer and Ideals with Cheren who strives to overcome his boundaries and the player even if he never can). N is pretty awesome, and I think Ghetsis is a better Lusamine (sorry, idc for how Lusamine’s actions are brushed over and blamed on the space jellyfish). There’s a lot to enjoy in Unova imo.

Also massive post-game stuff like Join Avenue (which encourages one of the main tenets of Pokemon, interacting with others and trading; ex. “Magnemite Coil”), half the region opening up for Post-game (White Treehollow, Kyurem’s abode, etc.). The Legendaries also have home locations for the most part, and their items aren’t just given to you by random people. A lot of stuff to do that isn’t just breeding mindlessly for shinies (I mean I love doing that, but options ya know?) or online battle.

4. Pokemon Conquest; Fire Emblem (or more accurately, Nobunaga’s ambition) meets Pokemon. I like turn-based grid tactic games, and this one’s actually pretty fun. You’re encouraged to roam around and give people different Pokemon to see which ones they’re compatible with. Also another example of what can be done if Pokemon is given to a another developer.

5. Pokemon Explores of Sky (and to a lesser extent since it’s the base, Time/Darkness); you can swap this with Colloseum/XD, BWBW2 or Pokemon Conquest depending on if you prefer Pokemon’s style of play, tactics games, or dungeon crawlers. I like this one since the story’s actually pretty good, the difficulty’s nice, and especially the post-game dungeons and content.

6. Pokemon Platinum and Diamond+Pearl to a lesser extent– the region that actually has a reasonably difficult Elite Four and champion. I love the additions they have like distortion world, the melancholic feel you get at times in the Chateau area and snowfields, and the post-game Battle Frontier. However, the games run so slow without Drayano’s mods. In terms of husbandos, Volkner’s pretty nice as well, and he’s pretty high-tier for me. Cynthia’s here as well, so I guess she counts since she’s a feature every time she shows up.

7. Pokemon FRLG-The definite version of Kanto for me. Sevii Islands, callbacks (callforwards?) to the Johto games with the Rocket Admins, decent difficulty and ability to sequence break somewhat, etc. It gives new experiences for those who’ve played the OG versions, but doesn’t change them drastically. The “you can’t evolve anything outside of the OG 151 before post-game” is stupid though. Lance is here as well, but his half Dragonite/Dragonair team annoys me b/c of how repetitive it is, but product of the time as well and the HGSS first battle had that as well but at least they’re all evolved.

8. Pokemon Red/Blue Rescue Team-I like this one since the story’s still good and incorporates the idea of a human being transported to a Pokemon world, but I just feel like Sky’s gameplay improvements and portraits for everyone trumps this one. I like Gengar a lot and his team. I also think the difficulty on this one (depending on starter and partner) is fairly good at times (The Moltres fight is actually pretty difficult if you don’t have Pikachu or a water type partner).

9. Pokemon Emerald and to a lesser extent Ruby/Sapphire–Battle Frontier, Scott and Smeargle cave (ie. post-game content), beautiful promotional artwork (including ORAS’s), fairly difficult battles at time if you aren’t prepared/going in blind with no excessive grinding (2nd May battle, Flannery, etc.), hidden secrets like Regis and Secret Bases. However, the latter half is so boring with the excessive surfing and lackluster variety. Steven’s here, and he’s a dreamboat even with the sprite graphics.

10. Pokemon Channel and Hey you, Pikachu!-Weird I know. This would be higher if I didn’t think this was a niche pick. It’s just really relaxing, and I want another one, especially if you can get more Pokemon to raise. It’s a lot more fun once you play it. I like exploring with Pikachu and it offers a look into the world of Pokemon as a non-trainer. I really want another one tbh.

11. Pokemon Rangers series (Ranked from favorite to lowest; Shadows of Almia–>OG–>Guardian Signs; all are good but that’s my preference) The gameplay is actually pretty fun, and I wish we got another one. They could use Joycons as a styler. Spencer, Sven, and Lunick are also pretty cute

12. Pokken Tournament- What battles should feel like in mainline if they injected millions of dollars into the mainline, so unrealistic expectation. I think Pokken is a decent fighting game. The moves are nice, and the music is good. This can go lower if you don’t care for fighting games.

13. Pokemon Battle Revolution and Stadium games-They’re mostly battle simulators with some mini-games. The animations are actually pretty lively and fun compared to SWSH’s. I would like to rank this higher, but there is no story mode sadly. It’s great if you want to see what Pokemon would look like in-scale.

14. Pokemon X/Y-I think these are actually pretty nice if only for the fact there isn’t excessive handholding; it’s there but it doesn’t force me to put down the game out of boredom. The outfits are genuinely pretty cute. However, the rivals are ridiculously terrible, difficulty is either too low or unbalanced if you use/turn off exp. share. Let’s put ORAS here as well b/c I think the lack of Battle Frontier and mediocre post-game, getting Lati@s early, etc. drops it down from Emerald. The PSS system is amazing though.

15. Pokemon Trozei and Pokemon Pinball series-Yeah, I’ve played these. Trozei’s actually pretty cool as a match-3 game, and pinball is pinball. You also get slightly more lore into the Pokemon world with Lucy Fleetfoot. I like match-3 and pinball so very much a YMMV. Pop Gates to Infinity and Super Mystery Dungeon here as well. Idk, they just lack the magic of the first two entries.

16. Pokemon Snap, Pokemon Dash, all the other spin-offs I didn’t talk about-they all offer something fun, but I just wish it was either updated for modern times and not released again (like with Snap) or a bit more (in the case of Detective Pikachu and Pokepark series). Pop Puzzle League games here as well. I like them, but they aren’t much besides Tetris games. Same goes for the Pokemon Trading Card games; they’re nice, but not super great imo.

???. Pokemon Box/Ranch/all the other storage games and stuff like Dream Radar-Idk what you’d want me to say since they’re storage space or gimmick games to catch HA Pokemon. You do get Extremespeed Zigzagoon which I love since the little buggers are very adorable.

Bottom Tier. Pokemon SM and USUM. I hate these games. They’re cash grabs (more so than usual) with being $40 a piece and the updated versions being barely changed (and actually feeling like what should have been released first). Incredibly handholding, areas feel half-baked, lacks areas to explore for the most part, Lillie is kinda annoying for me tbh (which hurts because you’re supposed to feel for her and the game’s story hinges on that), and the player is an actual detriment to what they’re trying to achieve story-wise. A big shame b/c Alola is a pretty region and Team Skull is great in concept, but execution is awful. Stated as someone who has bought all 4 versions to keep, and 2 extras for gifting.

Absolute Bottom Tier- Pokemon Masters, incredibly terrible mobage game coming from someone who plays FGO, FEH, etc. lack of meaningful content, grinding but meaningless b/c of said lack of content (ex. FGO gates you with mats but it makes you feel like you’re growing with your servants and offers a story and events to compensate; basically, a sense of achievement). CO-OP is pretty bad when you can just hop over to GBF or something if you want guilds and group content. I’m still gonna wait for Ethan and Volkner to appear though.

Unrated-OG RBGY and OG GSC (the remakes are superior outside of nostalgia factor imo so I think it’d be unfair for them to take a spot), LGPE (didn’t buy them b/c pricing but the colors are vibrant and I love that), SWSH (didn’t buy them because I have opinions on the cuts and stuff and price point doesn’t look appealing for what’s offered), Pokemon Mini (these were included with Pokemon Channel), Magikarp Jump+Duel (Duel was a cash grab and Magikarp Jump is cute but no real opinion on it), Pokemon Go (weird spot where I like it, but I don’t live in an area with safe walking areas so very much area-dependent), Arcade games (I don’t live in Japan for that), Perdue Farm games (they’re flash games made to promote so…), Pokemon Rumble (enjoyable but not memorable for me imo) etc.

Fangames-

1. Pokemon Reborn-150+ hours of content, visible themes that permeate the story and characters, beautiful spritework for some of the areas, intuitive usage of TMs/HMs and some logic (ex. Field Effects that emulate anime battling in turn-based rpg such as Corrosive Field; using Rock Smash to break the glass in some areas to solve puzzles, etc.), actual difficulty that hinges on how much you understand Pokemon (ex. IVs, stats, EVs, etc.) that’s fair but still difficult, puzzles and rewards for exploring and coming back to areas, etc. Fantastic game that I wish Gamefreak had attempted to emulate (perhaps not the darker themes but the ambition basically). Has some kinks with the revolving door of characters and such but still fantastic. Also offers custom shiny sprites, custom egg sprites, and online play like Wonder Trade and battling.

2. Pokemon Rocket Edition-Not done but I think this is a fantastic hack so far story-wise and how it implements its mechanics. You’re a Rocket Grunt, but you aren’t OP. It deals with the politics behind Kanto and Team Rocket. Still being worked on.

3. Pokemon Viridian Version-Another “play as a Rocket” game. Funny yet still can be serious; it takes the tone of the anime and understands when to be serious and when to not be. It feels like it would fit into the canon tone-wise, and deconstructs the “it’s cool to be a Rocket!” thing.

4. Pokemon Gaia-Excellent and a huge callback to classic Pokemon in story. It’s an OG region and offers a lot to do.

5. Drayano hacks- QoL updates but his work actually adds a lot to the games+new events.

Anyways, that’s my list. There’s a lot of Pokemon content, but this is how I feel for the most part.

#long post #i will say Piers is high tier husbando though

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ramiedersedreamer · 5 years ago

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The Retcon and How Caliborn’s Masterpiece made everything Dubious

I'm going to focus first on the three aspects of the Retcon powers for this breakdown, super 'time travel', teleportation, and later on Canon. I won't get too deep into the effects on the Three pillars of Canon, just Truth. And then at the end my thoughts on Caliborn's Masterpiece and how Caliborn through his Time aspect indirectly caused the misuse of the Retcon ability. Spoilers for Epilogues and Pesterquest too.

I'm so sorry for the long ass post lamo.

John's retcon powers allow him to move himself and anything he touches around the story/narrative itself. It seems like an OP time travel power with no downsides, despite not being time travel at all. Based off of what we've seen it from its use with John and Reader (MSPAR), Retcon gives one the ability to jump to any point in the previously established narrative. That is, any place or time that has been shown/narrated in Homestuck. Even inside Homosuck, a warped fanfiction Caliborn narrated using his control over the story of Homestuck.

The 'time travel' specifically operates within the confines of the currently explored narrative only, and is chronologically tied to a different plane of existence. That is our chronology the audience. We never see see a Retcon user jump forward into the narrative, in like a "Procon". Like, they don't hop into their own future to see what happens, and then pop back to change the outcome, at least not without us the audience and the narrative following them and seeing the 'future' ourselves. We don't have a yet to be seen 'future' Recton user popping in to change the current narrative, Masterpiece aside (I will get to this). Actions taken by characters using the Retcon ability is and can be followed by us, the audience as it happens.

A key difference with the Retcon ability that it acts almost nothing like time travel in the comic. With time travel you can create and unwillingly be 'commanded' (or otherwise doomed) as part of time loops that sustains themselves. Loops that can exist before you perform the time travel itself, because the loop has always existed that way because of shenanigans. A future self shows up and tells you "time travel back to this spot in five minutes and tell yourself my exact words" and bam, you got a time loop that you didn't start but you sure as hell gotta finish if you don't want to be doomed. The Retcon ability doesn't work that way at all! There is no surprise visit from yours or the audiences perspective. You won't see from your perspective a future self because that's always going to be you already. You can only be the future self, and all other you's that you meet are your past selves. One day you decided to Retcon yourself back in time and tell your past self to follow your exact actions. No one told you do that before. And it doesn't matter if past you follows your advice or not, because there is no loop just a single series of events you and the audience follow linearly.

This Retcon ability is so powerful that its own power itself is a flaw, because the act of traveling back in time is permanent to any alpha or doomed timelines. There isn't a concept of a doomed time line to clean up any mess you make with the alpha, it just becomes the new alpha shitty or not. At best, can go back in time and retcon your own retcon. Either way a Retcon will leave some sort of mark there, even if no one notices you.

(And as a side note, I have no idea how paradox space handles an alpha time line that is retconned to no longer be alpha. Pre-rectonned ghosts still persist even if the time line has been changed, and a Retcon user can still access other previously retconned-but-no-longer-alpha time lines like John does in the Epilogue. The full extent of un-retconning a time line isn't fully explored either, if possible at all. As soon as John gained his Retcon powers he causes a retcon to the alpha time line by loosing the Ring of Life, which made its way into Arania's hands and caused Game Over, not to mention his hand poking everything in existence. Would John even be able to warp to the original alpha timeline where he didn't loose the ring/get retcon abilities?)

I said above the user can travel to any place and time inside the narrative, and without time travel that just becomes teleportation. There are examples in the comic, and especially Pesterquest, where the Retcon ability is used without retconning anything at all, but just as a means of moving the story forward to a new location (or escaping something). All and all it acts like conventional teleportation. The Retcon user can jump to entirely new places, unseen in the previous narrative or by the User them self. For a practiced User, this can plop them anywhere they desire.

We have two examples of the Retcon not working.

The first explicit one we've seen was in the Candy Epilogue. At some point between collecting up Gamzee and John's attempt to save Dirk, John just straight up can't use the Retcon anymore. I will note here that John is not trying to jump back into the comic or anywhere outside of the Candy Epilogue to save Dirk. He's just trying to pop back a week. I think he also attempts to teleport with it maybe? Been a while. But either way, we can assume for now that he has lost all aspects of the Retcon ability.

The second in Pesterquest when Reader attempts to 'skip' ahead to see Nepeta they are blocked by an entity, T-Poser. Instead of teleporting to her, Reader ends up in some weird place repeatedly, unable to accomplish their goal. Upon regaining the memories of their friends from Friendsim, they are blocked once again from being able to time travel back to them as well. Both teleportation and time travel are blocked. Of note here is that when Reader acquires their powers, it happens inside of the Pesterquest game itself.

Theories!

One possible theory for Candy!John's blocked powers is that he is no longer part of the 'Homestuck Canon', and the House Juju's granted abilities only work inside that Canon. Use of the Retcon cannot jump between two different 'Canons'. When John grabbed Gamzee the 'Canon' split between Meat and Candy was dubious. By the time John wanted to prevent Dirk's death, the 'Canons' were fully split apart. This theory clashes with, or confirms the powers and limitations of Retcon in Pesterquest depending on how you look at it. Aradia states that Reader is in not just a doomed timeline, but a doomed universe. Using their abilities Reader has removed the 'Truth' pillar from the universe in the same way that John not using his ability removed the 'Truth' from Candy. Of course, there can be unknown variables at work here that allow this doomed Pesterquest universe to still have access to the Juju's power that aren't in Candy (like the Juju presenting Reader their powers in the Game/narrative).

John's ability loss could be because anything inside the black hole is cut from any sort of Canon changing power (and maybe John was only able to grab Gamzee because the Candy timeline wasn't fully 'transferred' into the black hole at the time). This would imply that the Retcon power comes from a source, and that it transmits to the user in such a way that it can be blocked off. This would also mean that those who have the Retcon power will always have the ability to use that power, assuming it isn't blocked off.

Alt!Calliope could be using her narrative powers to suppress John's abilities either selectively or completely, preventing the attempt to save Dirk (don't think any further attempts are mentioned?). As noted before John wasn't trying to jump back into the Homestuck or Meat Canon, he was trying to retcon inside Candy and Candy alone when he was stopped. This would mean certain powers can completely suppress the OP Retcon abilities, regardless of the Retcon users will. With this we don't know if Alt!Calliope has removed John's power completely, or if she is just blocking it temporarily and he can continue using the Retcon power once she stops narrating Candy.

This matches up with what we've seen in Pesterquest. Who or whatever is preventing Reader from using their abilities to the full effect of their will. T-Poser even tells Reader "Stop fucking trying to skip ahead. It's not going to work." after several attempts at meeting Nepeta before her chapter was released. This T-Poser, instead of shutting down the powers completely, is selectively allowing the Reader to use it to continue the narrative in PQ. While Readers inability to time travel back into Friendsims to see their friends could be seen as 'not being able to jump between canons', it seems just as likely the T-Posers doing. Another possibility is that when one (who still can use their Retcon powers) trys jumping to another canon they are brought to that strange hallway and T-Poser instead. Maybe T-Poser is the source of the Retcon power instead of a narrater? (Or maybe both, Andrew Hussie)

Finally we come to the conspiracy part of this conspiracy-turned-retcon-mechanics-wordvomit.

I think Caliborn's Masterpiece was a Truth Paradox, and it's why the Epilogues and everything after that point are and should be considered dubiously canon. You can't retcon a story that hasn't happened yet, and yet Caliborn narrated it into some weird Truth of Canon. Caliborn's whole THING is time loops, the undeniable truth and essentiality that these loops must be filled or doomed away. And Caliborn, that fucker, his fault or not applied that concept to the only form of time travel that can't have any loops. Hammered in the square into the circle hole.

John is our anchor in this story, we follow his path as he changes things via Retcon. This is true for the entier comic, and for Reader in Pesterquest. Both our timeline and the Main Character's timeline increment together. Maybe not consistently between updates or whatnot, but our timelines are both always going forward together (Flashbacks don't count shush). In the Masterpiece this isn't true. We have a John from the future show up. An unknown. This John has traveled back from an unknown future story, we do not know him. He could be John five minutes after winning Sburb, June in her 40's, John in his 20's, or ultimate!self June who's been alive for a thousand years. But he isn't our John. Any John/June could fill in that clay doll so long as they possess the Retcon ability (or have some way of showing up with "ghost powers"). Hell, even a look alike could, I double Caliborn would know the difference.Any of those clay dolls could be any version of the characters they represent, or look alikes. To further obscure things, when Caliborn is retelling the tale it isn't from personal experience. He hasn't fought the kids at all and it isn't happening to him as he narrates. No, a screen showed him the supposed battle. "I SAW IT ONCE, ON ONE OF MY PLANET'S MANY SCREENS. THE LAND OF "COLOURS". AND THE LAND OF "MAYHEM"." Can we even trust this supposed retelling of an event that happened on a screen? A screen that may or may not have been showing the truth?All these factors make the Masterpiece highly unreliable. The most unreliable Homestuck has ever been. I'm reminded of Equius's Pesterquest route. The moment Reader decides to hop backwards in time to see how Equius broke his horn, we are not given a single cause. Instead, Reader enters into dubious canonical territory showing multiple canons where Equius lost his horn. I think this exactly what the Masterpiece is, and why it's true form was never shown in the comic. Why it had that weird inconstancy with John's Retcon and why the 'Canon' Meat Epilogue addressed it. Even Candy, by using the power of two entier universes in the form of a blackhole to keep these characters alive in a pocket dimension by addressing it indirectly. Like I said, any John/June could fulfil the requirements that the Masterpiece needs to complete the Story. And all of those June's and John's will be, if narrated, the anchor and the true original future John/June predeterminately retconning the story. Every way Equius lost his horn is true: Every way the Masterpiece is and will be narrated/addressed is true.

#homestuck #homestuck epilogue #pesterquest #retcon #my thoughts #theories #theory

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amwritingmeta · 5 years ago

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JiB10

So, last year, for various reasons, I didn’t actually put down my experience of JiB, but are y’all ready to hear all about this year’s experiences and adventures?

Well, in condensed form. I mean, what is this - LiveJournal? (okay yeah kinda is but no not going into excruciating detail here just the best bits) (the choice cuts, as it were) (watch me go full butcher) (it’ll be entertaining I swear) :P

So, firstly, I’m a panel rat. I fucking love those panels. All the panels. It’s mainly why I get the Angel Pass, because the seats are so good and I’m all about them good seats, yeah?

I have friends who spend a whole lot of time in line for ops or for autos and I just… can’t… do that. Not when there’s talking happening and answering of questions and just that room being MAGIC, because the entire con feels so inclusive and filled with open-minded like-minded human beings who share in our love of this glorious show.

I started a JiB Log, but figured I’d get too distracted to actually update it regularly, because that’s what last year was like. When you’re not in a panel you’re either walking to grab something quick to eat (have to commend the little smoothie place at the airport, because they did good sandwiches and really good coffee at a reasonable price) or you’re heading to the hotel bar to get absolutely plast-… No, actually didn’t do that this year, so correction: or you’re heading to the hotel bar to see who’s there and catch up with people who have been to their ops and are still shaking with excitement.

(you can also comment on the wonderful imagination of strangers in the ladies’ room when you see them shaking with excitement and are dressed up in bridal gowns) (okay there was one lovely dressed up as a bride so maybe plural is the wrong way to go but the sentiment holds true) (JiBers - you are so fucking awesome and I LOVE YOU ALL)

Okay, so wanna know the most basic things I’ve learned about how to JiB? I mean… if you don’t, then stop reading, I guess, because imma tell ya. #fairwarning

Bring Snacks (you won’t regret it)

Bring Alcohol (you won’t regret it)

Good Footwear (you won’t regret it)

Clothes For Every Occasion (you may regret it if you overpack) (don’t overpack) (Google “packing tutorial by Jensen Ackles”) (worth it)

Choose Wisely (just general solid advice) (I mean, get your priorities straight) (panel rat or up close and personal kitty cat) (or both) (sidenote: I take it choosing to be both is quite stressful) (make sure that your stress sensors are up and that you don’t overdo it) (switching between rat and cat is bound to be internally messy) (okay that actually came out as not haha solid but actual solid advice so yeah) (be prepared that doing both is difficult!) (and having lots of ops and wanting to do all autos means probably missing a whole lot of panels for standing in line and waiting) (even the solo panels with the main players or - and I will question your sanity - the joint panels that close the weekend) (well not the very final panel) (nobody missed the J2M panel because all ops and autos had closed by then) (but yes prioritise wisely)

Be Open (because, no matter what, you are bound to meet someone you click with at this event) (most people) (actually every stranger I gave a throwaway comment to) (were so chill and happy to have a brief chat or share a moment with me) (so even if you’re traveling by yourself you are bound to feel embraced) *jazz hands rome magic*

Pinches of Salt (take everything you see and hear with healthy pinches of salt) (I briefly forgot about this on Monday morning and oh boy I could’ve saved myself a world of stupidity if I’d only remembered it yeah?)

MNC (get your sweet ass to the Monday Night Concert because both my years of JiBing it has been mind-blowing) (this year was better than last year honestly) (which I did not think could happen) (they are the bee’s bees and the bear’s bear) *throws all the love at them*

When it comes to impressions and memories made this particular trip, I feel like the whole week has been one long run of blessings. Sincerely, it’s been - oh what’s the word again? --> MAGIC.

I’m not going to go through all the boring personal moments of Holy Fuck *jazz hands rome magic* but I will just say that I think I stepped out of passport control with the widest smile, and it barely left my face for the entire weekend. The panels were wonderful this year. I’m still on a high. No, seriously. It’s almost a week later and I haven’t been hit by the JiB blues yet, and perhaps I won’t this year.

*prays I land a pass for next year* *GAH* *the nail-biting begins*

Confession time? (…when in Rome)

Confession 1 — I have such a crush on Rob. I mean, I’ve had it for years, but time to make it official, I guess. He just seems like the sweetest, loveliest human being and watching him sing is like… watching the stars light in the sky. He is such an amazing singer and performer. He made me cry. He sang Fare Thee Well and he made me cry at the Monday Night Concert.

*no I was NOT drunk* *though damn that G&T was strong* *oh btw the drinks in Rome are amazing and worth the money because extra alcoholic* *like damnnnnn* *just as an aside* *but also bring your own bourboun* *winks at @waywardliliana* *sup gurl?* *winks again* *winks some more* *can’t stop now* *licks lips* *yeah I know* *uncomfortable?* *licks lipssss againnnnn* *okay stopping now* *….or am I…….?*

Confession 2 — The panel-watching truly is a huge amount of fun. This year there were a lot of things said that made me want to jump up and down in my seat, because it gives me a lot of hope for season fifteen and Jensen provided most of it on the Saturday, and then Jared was pretty much agreeing with Jensen’s assessments of how the brothers’ journeys should end on the Sunday, and I was like GAH! *happy* And then Misha throws in his belief that there needs to be a sacrifice and tragedy and we all went NO! Also his fear that this family of ours will disperse and we all went NOOO! :) Anyway, these are all stated observations, but the confession is this:

As much as I love spending time in a space that is occupied by some of my favourite human beings on this planet (oh but they are), what makes JiB so truly, deeply, personally special is meeting up with friends who otherwise live too far away to see on the regular. All of us convening in this one place to share in this one great love is like electricity through your veins. It’s like… well, it’s like going to a place of worship, and I think you know what I mean. When you’re in a room with a group of peope who’s energy jives with yours, then your energies align, and resonate, and then — MAGIC.

It’s magical. It’s fucking magical. *jazz hands*

Shoutout to everyone I managed to see this year who have not yet been lip-licked at in this post (or real life), whether it was much too brief (so many of you were much too brief) or whether we spent quality time, seeing you all really made the trip sparkle:

@captainhaterade - who made such a fantastic and impromptu seat mate - thank you, Emily, for having me next to you for most of the weekend! :D

@eriquin - Meghan, it was so lovely to meet you and I’m thrilled you and Emily both enjoyed your first con, very happy I got to be a part of it! :)

@trickster-angel - my dear Chiara, it took us a few tries, but we finally got to sit down in the Corner (if you get to go next year then I think this may be where we’re all just convene from now on) (*suggestion*) *nobody puts us in a corner except us!* :P So good to meet you!

@inacatastrophicmind - Mara! We met much, much too briefly, but I’m so, so glad we did! See you around tumblr, my friend, and hopefully at JiB11! :)

@misskittyspuffy - aw man, Aurelie, we kept missing each other and I really wanted to sit down and have a proper lunch or dinner, but at least you and--

@assbuttboyfriends - hey, Claire, my dear, at least you and Aurelie aren’t that far away, right? Come visit me in London, I tell ya! :D Otherwise, proper plan-making for next year. xx

@bold-sartorial-statement - a brief hello was still a good hello! Hope you enjoyed the con! xx

@jenmdixon - it was good to say hello to you, my dear, and really hope you enjoyed the con (and didn’t die under those lights because it got HOT) (no wonder the actors are fan-addicts) :) xx

@purgatory-jar - Elena, it was, as ever, fantastic to see you and I’m stoked I got to have a proper lunch with you this time around. You have always been and will always be one of my absolute favourite artists in this fandom and, by extension, anywhere. Already a star, girl!

Shoutout to @northern-sparrow - I was sorry that I missed you at the bar, but there’s always next year. Hope you enjoyed the con and thanks for asking The Perfect Question. :D xx

Finally, @godshipsit -- Alessia, my friend, you are this calm, welcoming, very dear part of Rome and JiB for me (last year you supported me so much just by being there) and you are simply brilliant! *all the prettiest flowers at your door*

And to my two felines who are tumblring, but not very often: Laura and Steph, you wonderfuls! Thanks for all the laughs!!

*I now proceed to throw love at you all*

Confession 3 — I have a Favourite Moose. Nope, it’s not who you think it is. (girl, I almost put the hashtag on here but in the current climate) (I think I’d just better not) (especially since I wanna tag you) (hey, Moose!) (hey @natmoose!) (yes you!) (Nat-Blue!) :) #theconversationalists

Now, the highlights from this years con are too numerous for me to write them all down, really, but here’s a taster:

Ricky Whittle (the man is a genius comedian)

Rob talking about how his fandom experience has changed since he, for the first time, is seeing comments like “I hate your face” (the way he says “I hate your face”) (*giggle*) (also it’s such a question of tone because most of those “I hate your face”s are probably said with loads of love) (because Chuck going ultimate big bad toxic masculinity representative is fucking BRILLIANT) *love to hate his face*

Matt telling the airplane story

Alex reenacting different parts of the airplane story

Alex choosing Jasmine from Aladdin to put a spin on and making the twist that he’ll rob the wishes from Aladdin like -->

Alex: *sings* I can show you the world *interrupts* I’m just like yo, just give me these wishes. Don’t mess with me. How about this? I’ll show myself the world, okay?

I really, really very much like Alexander Calvert, okay?

Briana being distracted by herself on the stage monitor (she’s gorgeous and she knows it and is also open about how it costs her a lot of money and time and effort and how that’s not for everyone and real beauty runs so much deeper) (which is why she is the most gorgeous woman)

Jared telling us all to shut up during his Sunday morning solo panel (and basically all of his time on stage, but especially this half an hour of stage time, because my GOD he was in such a good mood)

Misha

Jensen going off on a minor rant about Game of Thrones S08E05 because yesssss

Jared doing that jump-and-a-skip at his panel with Misha

Jared’s panel with Misha

Jensen telling Misha he loves him and them hugging, only for Jensen to turn it into a joke and pretty effectively demonstrating how this is how they interact and they don’t mean anything by taking the piss out of each other because yesssss

sincerely, all the solo panels (especially Jensen’s, because he’s so sincere and open and honest about how seriously he takes his work and it’s gorgeous and inspiring and always has been and always will be and)

I mean, Jensen lying flat on his back on that stage and Misha saying You Sexy Bitch is very, very, very… overt. I side-eye. But with a whole lot of appreciation for the balls on those two. I’d venture that they know exactly what they’re doing, and I’ll forever wonder what the percentage is between performative and spur-of-the-moment. Sometimes I think you can tell, but… oh, they know what we like. Usually. :)

Jared bringing the dirty. I just love his filthy mind.

All of their filthy minds tbh.

Singing Carry On My Wayward Son in the hallway after the final panel is just… one of the best parts, and this year they all came out and high fived and gave hugs and… it was special

The Monday Night Concert surpassed last year’s and went on for nearly two hours and was deeply moving for many reasons and I wish to the good Heavens (…okay you know what I mean) that Jensen and Briana will record Shallow because I think their version beat the original (damn Briana’s voice is just… damn!) (and I can’t talk about Jensen singing please don’t make me talk about it) (…) (thank you)

Also Richard Speight Jr because Richard Speight Jr!!

Also just Jason Manns because Jason Manns!!

And The Four Cheese!!

See, there’s just tOO MuCH STuFF

And now it’s over and I’m still hopped up on the adrenaline and the happiness and Jensen talking about spreading happiness (I believe it was either during the opening panel with he and Jared on the Saturday or his solo panel later that afternoon) made me feel light as a feather, because he’s right. A healthy dose of real happiness builds you up from the inside out and makes you believe you’re worth it. All of it, yeah? And that, whatever comes your way, you can handle it. Oh, it can be a struggle, but if you only dare to be open, then good things, my peeps.

Good things do happen.

I hope to see you next year!!

#JiB10 #my stuff #jensen ackles #jared padalecki #misha collins #alexander calvert #briana buckmaster #rob benedict #richard speight jr #jason manns #ricky whittle #jibcon #rome magic #<3

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