#sorry thats not a good fact but its what i HAVE
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hc request: snow angels with jean 🥹🩷
OOO HOHOHOH this is so CUTE im keeping this a modern au because thats what i prefer to write :') no gender/pronouns used for reader! :D
masterlist in pinned post! ❅ requests for headcanons are open!!!!! ❅ enter my taglist ❅
❅ ok ok so i imagine him being very begrudgingly into it. like its an incredibly snowy day right, and sasha connie and marco (and you, of course, by association) had dragged him out of bed.
❅ and his whole face is tinged a little red. he's wearing the first sweater he could find which just so happens to be the one his mom made for him, along with a big puffy black coat, a green checkered scarf and bright yellow gloves. not his first choice, fashion-wise, because all the colours are clashing, this looks fucking terrible, but you convince him it looks good enough to have fun and he has no choice but to agree.
❅ anyway. there's like small flakes of snow on his hair and at the corners of his eyes, and its a nice excuse for you to brush his hair with your hand. his nose is red. his lips are a little chapped and everytime he breaths it creates a small puff of air as a proof of his living. and hes building a snowman, with whatever materials all of you could find outside. no you dont have a carrot, who has the foresight for that? you make an executive decision to stick a very thin stick into the centre of the big snowball for his nose. jean complains about your art direction but gets distracted by the fact that connie's building boobs for it.
❅ every picture marco takes, jean is in the corner just standing. arms to his side. like slenderman. no smile. no pose. he's acting as though he hates this which pisses connie off just enough for him to fuck with jean more than usual.
❅ goes without saying but connie starts a snowball fight. and jean being ever-competitive HAS to strike back and now its a whole war but its mainly just jean and connie shouting at eachother while throwing poorly-formed balls of snow at eachother with terrible aim
❅ BACK TO THE MAIN POINT. during this whole. fight. both of them get really tired but now jean is fully smiling, because he's having fun, dammit, and you marco and sasha had gone inside somewhere during their feud to make hot chocolate and warm up some cookies because none of you had had anything to eat yet
❅ and connie immdieately runs inside the house when he hears you guys calling the both of them for food. and jean's all "HA YOU LOSER I WON. FUCK YOU. YOU THINK U COULD CHALLENGE ME?" but he doesnt follow connie inside
❅ and after a few minutes you decide to go out looking for him. his back is facing yours, and his foot is moving over the snow, creating a shape you cant really see. and you call out for him, and he just turns and waves you over to him
❅ turns out he was drawing both your initials in a heart with his foot :( and you HAVE to tease him. obviously.
❅ "youre so sappy i love you." "sappy? im doing the bare fucking minimum," "right." "youre the sappy one. making me hot chocolate and shit." "i made everyone hot chocolate. youre not special." "youre saying this after i made this artwork for you?" he says, smirk on his pink lips, faux offence twisted into his eyebrows and his arm finds it's way across your waist. "sorry, youre right. we should get this framed." "you think youre so smart, huh?" "you set a pretty low bar for it." "oh yeah?" and he starts fucknig tickling you because hes so fucking predictable, right, and you obviously end up loosing your already fragile balance and falling on your back into the snow.
❅ at first he's really apologetic but then he sees you smiling and rolls his eyes before collapsing next to you, cold ice pinpricking his skin despite the layers he wears.
❅ "you destroyed the heart i drew," he says. he wants to win this fake-fight. dumbass. "thats your fault." "right, blame me for your misjudgement-" "you tickled me!" "excuses, excuses." "im sorry, jean, for destroying your heart-" "my beautiful artwork," "- your beautiful artwork that deserved to be framed." "in a shrine. add that part." "no."
❅ its so cliche. he looks at you, his head turned to your direction, and sees your own breath fog up the sky and he thinks hiding his affection is reduntant because youre going to find a way to sneak it out of him somehow.
❅ and then you stretch out your arms, indenting the snow, waving them up and down. "im making new artwork." you say, and he loves you so much it makes him warm all over, imitating your motions with his long ass limbs, sounds of the snow crunching under his movements filling his ears along with your soft laughter.
❅ and after youre satisfied with the unseen outcome of your work, he complains about not being able to feel the tips of his ears and nose, and he helps you get up. you kiss his nose as compensation, and he kisses your forehead in return. "happy?" he asks, and you hum.
❅ "wait, we have to sign our names," you say before crouching down and writing your name under your snow angel, and then write his name under his, creating a heart after his name. he smiles softly after youre done, winding an arm around your shoulder to keep you warm but pretends its because "im so weak and hungry," to which you call him a drama queen. he spares a look behind the two of you to see the snow angels and cant help but wish it would never melt away.
also heres a moodboard. i couldnt help myself.
thank you for the request!! ive never. experienced snow before so im sorry for. any inaccuracies im going based off of my rom-com watching knowledge :') hope you liked it!! <3
taglist ; @holding-infinity-and-a-book , @mrsnobodynobody , @hopeless-anti-romantic-again , @jeanscremebrulee , @berrijam , @happxme , @cherrypieyourface , @imgayandshesanime , @moonmalice , @kivernova , @potaho3frog , @xakilicious , @katestrophes , @gojo-ana , @ppushable , @candleohappiness , @zombiefiedskeivy
#jean kirstein x reader#jean kirstein#jean kirschstein x reader#aot#jean kirstein x you#shingeki no kyojin#attack on titan#jean kirschtein#aot modern au
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my thoughts on the whole cyanide situation
hi as cyanides 1# fan i am required by law to make a post about this/HEVJ also like half of this is copied and pasted from discord because i am NOT rewriting all that/SILLY also sorry for any spelling mistakes:(
SPOILERS AHEAD
anyways, if ill be 100% honest, i kind of dont like the fact that cyanide was purifed/uncorrupted. it was one of her most unique traits and i hate how that was just, boom, taken away from her just like that
they also didnt really have to uncorrupt her, she isnt hostile and pretty much harmless as long as she dosent touch the chest shape doohickey whatever those are things, as seen in episode 9, where she sat on the couch and did not corrupt it at all, and when tsavorite held her along with the other heroes who were quite literally squished together and nobody got hurt
as seen here, cyanides ONLY time corrupting something which in this case is circusic, by just touching his chest thingy
and as i mentioned, tsavorite held cyanide on the way to the poly forest, along with cyan and gold who were squished against her, and not getting hurt at all, which quick recap for a sec heroes cannot get corrupted, whenever the corruption/anything corrupted touches them they get hurt, which in this case nobody is
and i have a bit more examples but i think these are enough unless yall want more
ANYWAYS, onto the purification and maturing, THE DISAPPOINTMENT I FELT. THE DISAPPOINTMENT. i cannot stress enough how much i PRAYED this wouldnt happen, but brittany always proves us wrong and gets our hopes up one way or another
but dont get me wrong, i adore her design! its cute, sure, but it was WAAAYYYY too early to pull the purification card on cyanide, it couldve waited a few more episodes, or seasons... or just never (this could be biased but STILL) cyanide had SO MUCH potential as a character but just POOF!!! GONE!! BUUUUUUT i absaloutely loved the bossfight tho, absaloute banger 10/10
and as for the name, i dont really know how i feel about it. its supposed to be similar to cyan, sure, but it just... dosent really fit her if ill be honest. ive seen some cool alternitives like Skye and Nithiodote (which honestly i might start using whoever thought of that you deserve a gold star), and also the one i came up with, Cyanogen. (which im really proud of myself for that:3) but overall its a pretty nice name for her, she chose it herself so at least shes happy
and now the actual design, its adorable, ill agree on that one, but its kinda... too much for a hero?? it dosent really scream "hero" to me, and i dont know if im the only one who thinks this though, like.. its kind off tacky and makes her look out of place in a way and im really sad about that
ALSO ONE MORE THING, can i say she was SSUUCCHH good angst material?? we never really got to actually get to know her better, all we know shes a naive, (used to be) corrupt that wants to be a hero and also is a robot, we dont really get to dive into her actual personality and thats what i was hoping this episode will be if ill be honest
anyways i ran out of things to write so yap over everyone go home/SILLY feel free to correct me im open to criticism:)
#the pink corruption#cyanidetpc#i eat kids#hi#tpc#pink corruption#brittcorruption#jsab tpc#skibidi toilet rizz
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silly comic based on a time i struggled to read live on stream :thumbsup:
context clip compilation below ASDASDFASA
(cw for brief mention of hospitals/strokes)
#in stars and time#isat#isat odile#isat siffrin#isat spoilers#<- not big ones but the convo this stems from occurs on 3rd floor before king act 2 so#cw hospital#cw stroke#<- brief stroke talk in the clip thats why#odile i am so sorry for making u deal with the fact that i cant read#or just input words?? where there arent any??? i dont know why i do that????#these streams have made me realize i sometimes just autofill words when reading SAFADDA#also random side headcanon i was thinking of while drawing this#is odile speaks alot with her hands?#idk why i just think its fun?#and kinda makes sense as someone who has travelled a lot thru different countries?#personal observation but you can convey/tell a lot without knowing a much of a different language via body language#as someone who grew up with family who spoke a different language that i do not speak LMAO#especially hands!! those say a lot!!#reading body langauge/tone helped me a lot when guessing if what was being talked about a good thing or not#tho tone to a lesser extent since uh it can be hard to tell at times i think ASDFDA#so it makes sense to me???#the art of pointing in general location is a universal skill i think?? yea#to a lesser extent i think siffrin might do this? but more subdued/under the cloak so#the cloak ends up getting in the way 90% of the time so no one can actually see that lmao#okay tag talk over#no stream time today because weather boooooo storms
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Hope you're feeling better, Snap. Good luck with your finals! :)
SO IM FEELING MUCH BETTER NOW FOR SURE
#fave#snap chats#BESTIE. //PTERANODON SCREECH//#I JUUUST ANSWERED YOUR EMAIL AND WENT TO OPEN TUMBLR AND THEN I HAD TO LAY DOWN#and then when i got up from laying down i paced my room for a good two minutes i think. im a professional pacer....#i keep coming back to type these tags but then getting up to go to the corner of my room and then coming back and repeating the process#CHARLES COMBAT OUTFIT MY BELOVED i blacked out. hi#let it be known i do acknowledge erik as well ... i just have to do so like an embarrassed school girl. as i do.#and go to the shadow corner. i do have to stand there a bit before coming back to giggle and then go back cjaLVKAJV#how sweet 🥰 must be a good day for erik to be so nice 🙂 so nice of him .......... 🙂eehehehe........#have i exhausted how im gonna look at this for the rest of the day yet no i dont think i have. im gonna look at this for the rest of the da#OPEN ON THE PHONE. while i rework this final ...... like a sailor lost at sea with nothing but a locket of his wife to keep him company..#except instead of the sea its articles about the fashion industry ..... wtf they got me doin in business 😭😭#sorry scrolled up and i felt my soul go dokidoki. i will be doing this many times throughout the day#THANK YOU SO MUCH BESTIE FOR ALL YOU DO this truly picked up my mood today 🥺#cherik save me ..... whats most funny is that roses Do Be In Fact my favorite flower 🤧🤧#SOME SAY BASIC i say so am i..... an iconic flower for a reason idc. ... . .. also bluebells but thats cause of viva pinata...#ANYWAY. i have staring to do. THANK YOU AGAIN BESTIEEEE //combusts//
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my honest reaction
#once again the trailer just kind of makes me feel nothing but confusion at why theyre doing things the way they are#why is gerald still alive. even if it turns out to be time travel or him being frozen alongside shadow or something#it still takes away a lot of the emotional impact of shadows story ... why .....#the fact that theyre just seemingly having gerald be rouge's replacement in the dark story trio too???? what. thats stupid .#and speaking of rouge. where are rouge and amy. ive never seen a single good argument to justify their exclusion here#why is the only girl character from the games whos present the one who famously dies horribly for male characters' motivation#(to be clear im not saying the way maria's death is handled in the games is bad writing or anything#just that having her be the only girl character to have a movie counterpart is certainly A Choice.)#and. why are team sonic (and human characters associated with them who are supposed to be the good guys) working with gun .#gun literally does nothing but cause problems for sonic in sa2 ?!?!?!??!?!#even if it does turn out theyre not being completely honest with sonic about what shadow's whole deal is thats still. why ...#i wasnt expecting an exact recreation of sa2 but that doenst mean i have to be okay with every possible change they make either#especially when a lot of this stuff just actively makes the story worse. sa2 im so sorry they did this to you#honestly probably wouldnt bother me quite as much if this was a comic or tv show or something#and not . a big popular movie that is probably going to overshadow the game in a lot of peoples minds. ughhhh#also shadow has still only had a couple lines so maybe its not fair for me to say anything just yet#but i dont . really like how he sounds from what we've heard .. why did the ycast keanu reeves this sucks#idris elba as knuckles is starting to annoy me too tbh . like i didnt care for it at first but then it grew on me#and now im back to not really liking it . that is NOT knuckles#anyway. im honestly struggling to understand how so many fans of the games are uncritically excited about the movie ?#and dont have any problem with the writing choices being made here.. ?#do they just not care how shadow's story is portrayed as long as he looks cool doing it .. ?#im not saiyng the people who are excited are fake fans i just . dont get it
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looking back at the yjh webtoon screencaps i have saved and giggling... hes so cute... moe... my pookie ^___^ 🥰🥰 poor little meow meow woof woo- *eliminated where i stand*
also these poses are sooooo... 꺄아악🖤🫣🫣🫣🫣
#talk tag#orv liveblog#<--gonna just tag my orv misc posts as this now#i looooove when the webtoon artist draws him like a demonic beast#its genuinely so moe to me smdbsndn like hes supposed to be rly handsome but theyre not afraid to make him look unhinged#i rmbr livetweeting that yjh hibernation pic captioned 'hes so moe'... apparently that was 2022(just dug it up)#more than 1 person has told me that theyre surprised i bias yjh from the webtoon alone#bc apparently they dont do his chara justice(v 😔😔😔 to hear that...thats not good..)#BUT HOW COULD I NOT BIAS HIM!!!! (apparently this is not a universal experience aldjskdj)#this just makes me even more uncontrollably excited to read the novel i cant wait to love him more than i alr do#and i love when he glares and makes a disgusted face at kdj... its so cute 🤭 he's like an angry black dog to me. hes like a wolf puppy#*tries to pat his head and gets cut down in .00001 sec... no he wouldnt waste his sword on me... i would simply perish from being in the#the presence of his aura#literally the tsundere ever#aside from hiei... hiei rly primed me to like male tsunderes guys#like after him i have loved sm tsundere male charas since#yjh is in a league of his own tho. like idc how many similar/near identical charas have come before or since#he OWNS the yjh archetype literally everyone else is just copying him <33#even if it was a choice btwn yjh and cedric id have to go w yjh... he is the original im sorry... i love u cedric#and i love that the whole point is that his design/chara archetype ISNT supposed to be original... thats the Point#he's the typical op dark haired stoic cold brooding (and sexy) protagonist...#his chara concept is supposed to be that trope... but what orv does w him is so subversive#and the fact that he is supplanted from his position as the protag in the narrative... i love it sooo much#like maybe i wouldnt care as much if he actually was the protag? bc again it wouldnt rly be new#but the fact that he isnt the actual protag is sooo good#IM NOT RLY SAYING OR ANALYZING ANYTHING RN BUT I JUST FELT LIKE YJH LOVEPOSTING#o sidenote his webtoon faces make great rxn images slfnsmd I LOVE USING THE FIRST ONE#i love using heartwrenching anime/comic moments out of context as rxn images its so funny to me#me @ the orv live action cast announcement
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hey when they wrote "knight behind bars" and they wrote kitt helping a couple get together and they gave him the line "Some day, it will be my turn" [to find love]. did they know what they were doing. did they know that in some 40 years some gay autistic robot-obsessed little freak on tumblr would not stop thinking about it for weeks and write literal dozens of paragraphs screaming about it on discord. did they know they were going to ruin Me, Specifically, with this concept that feels like the culmination of everything kitt has gone through through the show and such a fascinating thing to think about in regards to michael and kitt's relationship,
one of the themes of knight rider is kitt developing as a Person, developing a line between the Knight Industries Two-Thousand, and Kitt. discovering humanity, his own emotions, the joys of the seemingly and logically pointless, and often through the lens of his own driver, his partner, his friend, Michael - his primary guide through all these experiences, his reference for those human things he doesn't understand. and as much as he initially claims to not be capable of experiencing emotions, of understanding feelings, he learns to. he experiences a wide range of emotions through the show even while claiming he doesn't, he even learns fear and insecurity. perhaps it's only natural a robot would learn to love, or at the very least be terribly curious about it and wonder if such a thing could ever exist for Him
the majority of people are not exactly kind to kitt. they talk about him like he's not there, they talk about him like he's a machine, a novelty, some people are even scared of or disturbed by him when all he's trying to do is make polite conversation and company. he's always Othered - there's no other cars like him (at least not anymore), but there's no other person like him either, he doesn't truly belong among humans or vehicles. some of the technicians at FLAG don't even seem to fully respect him as a person, at least they don't based on my vague recollection of how they talk about him in Junkyard Dog. when Michael asks him after KARR is destroyed if it feels good to be one of a kind again, he doesn't say yes or no - he only says it's a "familiar feeling." it may be familiar, but it's surely also isolating, and i think that's something he'd realize as he slowly picks up this curiosity about love. where could he even find it when so few people see him as an equal person to begin with?
and then there's michael. oh my god, and then there's michael. no matter what flavor you choose to read it in, the whole show is about their relationship, they're a duo, a set Not to be separated, they're Partners. they work together, they worry about and look after each other (forever insane about when kitt was a melted shell, Michael stuck around the garage for hours, waiting for any news like a worried spouse, constantly checking on him every opportunity he got... encouraging him to recover, and even helping paint back on his protective coating... kitt always looks after michael, but for once, it's michael's turn to look after Him), in a way they were Made for each other - Kitt more literally, being programmed for Michael and holding his namesake, but Michael was also made in a sense for the pilot program, hand picked and given a second life to work for the foundation and with this strange supercar. and even if they had a rocky start, michael comes to view kitt as a person - car, TV set, or computer core, Kitt is his partner, his buddy. he helps him find himself, guides him and teaches him about these things that make us human, and in a way, kitt becomes human - but his entire experience is still through the perspective of an AI in a car, it's still very unique and isolating, and I think he sort of grows into his own limitations, he's finally brushing against the walls that define him.
he learns of love, and then he learns to dream Of love. these things he sees in the movies, that michael tells him about, that he so often sees michael Partaking in that he gets so oddly jealous of, doesn't it all seem so wonderful? he's very curious. but who could ever love steel and circuitry, who could ever see him as an equal let alone a partner in a romantic sense? who would ever love a car and all the limitations That comes with? it's a problem for a hypothetical hopeful Some Day, in the meantime stuck between two worlds where he doesn't perfectly belong to either, where no car Can love him and no human seemingly Would love him...
and michael loves him anyway. before either of them really realize or talk about it, in spite of everything, in any form, regardless of the fact it wouldn't be a typical relationship by absolutely any means, michael loves him anyway. kitt is as much a person to him as bonnie or devon or RC, and that person is someone he loves and cares for deeply. the feeling is mutual, kitt's world revolves around michael, he's one of the most important people in kitt's life, and he'd do anything to protect him.
and it is michael that will finally teach him to love, and what it means to feel loved in turn, to be loved as the person he undoubtedly is.
#liz blogs#kr#knight rider#michael knight#kitt#robots#gay#this isnt writing. its rambling. its very insane rambling.#WHAT is the ship tag. i dont even know. fuck it we ball#michael x kitt#sure#knight rider spoilers#i saw someone make up a really good one but i cant remember what it was-- oh my god was it MK2000. was it. was that iT-#mk2000#retroactively gonna go tag all the fruity posts with that i dont care#do not even get me started on michael learning to love for the first time in This lifetime. ... literally dont get me started i havent seen#the last stevie episode yet. thats next weeks crying fit. but i feel like that's a piece i need#but stevie was michael Long's girl. part of His life. michael Knight can't go back to that. and maybe he Shouldn't#listen. its about michael teaching kitt to love. and kitt Letting him learn to love Again. something real besides his weekend flings#i need a lobotomyyyyyyy i need an ice pick to the brain i need to stop being completely fucking insane about robots#IF BEING INSANE ABOUT FICTIONAL ROBOTS WAS A JOB I WOULD BE A MILLIONAIRE#anyway michael is bisexual and a dashboard smoocher thanks for coming to my ted talk#homosexuality is rampant in the military jerry. thats a bisexual if ever i saw one. have you seen the way he dresses. he calls his car baby#if you dont watch knight rider and you read this i'm sorry i must look deranged#this ship is queer flavored even besides the fact its two guys. there's like four levels of queer flavoring in this bitch
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once again people getting mad when the tragedy show has tragedy in it
#arcane#arcane spoilers#'it couldv been a happy ending if xyz happened' yea thats what happens in tragedies#idk man season 1 being tragedy after tragedy that just almost gets averted but still happens anyway#n people loving it#but then season 2 has over all less tragedies but i guess since they happen in the last season people get pissed?#and by less tragedies i mean they didnt feel as compounding as they wer in season 1#not that they wernt nothing in comparison#i guess people just expected to see a perfect happy ending but i never really saw that happening#Something bad was going to happen. in fact i personally expected Many bad things to happen#cause like. i watched season 1#but whatever. if u didnt like it im sorry.#i thought it was pretty good. have a strong desire to rewatch the whole season in full#but its too late for that today loll
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examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk
#BEGONE!!! *wizard beam blast leaving a black smoking crater in the middle of the tumblr dashboard*#I think another downside to everyone doing everything on phone apps on shitty tiny screens nowadays is the inability to really see details#of an image and thus its easier to share BLATANTLY fake things like.. even 'good' ai art has pretty obvious tells at this point#but especially MOST of it is not even 'good' and will have details that are clearly off or lines that dont make sense/uneven (like the imag#of a house interior and in the corner there's a cabinet and it has handles as if it has doors that open but there#are no actual doors visible. or both handles are slightly different shapes. So much stuff that looks 'normal' at first glance#but then you can clearly tell it's just added details with no intention or thought behind it. a pattern that starts and then just abruptly#doesn't go anywhere. etc. etc. )#the same thing with how YEARS ago when I followed more fashion type blogs on tumblr and 'colored hair' was a cool ''''New Thing''' instead#of being the norm now basically. and people would share photos of like ombre hair designs and stuff that were CLEARLY photoshop like#you could LITERally see the coloring outside of the lines. blurs of color that extend past the hair line to the rest of the image#or etc. But people would just share them regardless and comment like 'omg i wish I could do this to my hair!' or 'hair goallzzzz!! i#wonder what salon they went to !!' which would make me want to scream and correct them everytime ( i did not lol)#hhhhhhggh... literally view the image on anything close to a full sized screen and You Will SEe#I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine. I think just as always I'm obsessed with the reality and truth of things. most of the thing#that annoy me most about people are situations in which people are misinterpreting/misunderstanding how something works or having a misconc#eption about somehting thats easily provable as false or etc. etc. Even if it's harmless for some random woman on facebook to believe that#this AI generated image of a cat shaped coffee machine is actually a real product she could buy somewhere ... I still urgently#wish I could be like 'IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION. YOU SEE???? ITS NOT REALL!!!!! AAAAA' hjhjnj#Like those AI shoes that went around for a while with 1000000s of comments like 'omg LOVE these where can i get them!?' and it's like YOU#CANT!!! YOU CANT GET THEM!!! THEY DONT EXIST!!! THE EYELETS DONT EVEN LINE UP THE SHOES DONT EVEN#MATCH THE PATTERNS ARE GIBBERISH!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THEY ARE NOT REAL!??!!' *sobbing in the rain like in some drama movie*#Sorry I'm a pedantic hater who loves truth and accuracy of interpretation and collecting information lol#I think moreso the lacking of context? Like for example I find the enneagram interesting but I nearly ALWAYS preface any talking about it#with ''and I know this is not scientifically accurate it's just an interesting system humans invented to classify ourselve and our traits#and I find it sociologically fascinating the same way I find religion fascinating'. If someone presented personality typing information wit#out that sort of context or was purporting that enneagram types are like 100% solid scientific truth and people should be classified by the#unquestionaingly in daily life or something then.. yeah fuck that. If these images had like disclaimers BIG in the image description somewh#re like 'this is not a real thing it's just an AI generated image I made up' then fine. I still largely disagree with the ethics behind AI#art but at least it's informed. It's the fact that people just post images w/o context or beleive a falsehood about it.. then its aAAAAAA
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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shi.n's amnesia later route is such an out of character experience bc wdym someone this cute shows me all the love they have for me and i dont healthily communicate with him that im feeling overwhelmed by it.
#❛ 𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 ⧽ — ooc.#GONNA BE HONEST. EVERY OTO.ME PLAYTHROUGH I DO IS OOC FOR ME - i refuse to change the name of the mc unless they make me and even then i#didnt give the heroine my name im sorry heroine ... mainly bc im also playing from a rpers perspective FHDJKADHSJK#but this route is a sharp edged sword. i dont know if i can ever finish it ( i mean i can bc things get resolved and they DO communicate! )#and it goes onto one of the most respected endings ive seen for a chara: having the good ending as him moving away to another place but you#guys staying together long distance bc thats rep! we need!#its just the fact that even min.e and saw.a explain that what is happening isnt fair on him and the convo ends with avoidance ...#that is NOT my heroine sweetie what did they do to you#much love for heroine and everything she stands for but this CANNOT! be me sorry#shin would literally be like perf for the waiter position but he hates everyone but his two childhood friends im sorry you're never catchin#him acting like this unless you're them#hes just young and very forward. very blunt too if he wants a kiss he will inform and then take ... hes tryinggggg ....#anyway good morn i was looking at these at 3am for icons and then promptly fell asleep#time to write one last draft and then queue all i have - ill have 5 drafts left over in total :')#between my two blogs which is! amazing! but i will be focusing on inboxes after ive edited them all#omw to do the amnesi.a call this week. and plotting messages#we're going far kiddssss
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You ever think about how Noctis FFXV was doomed from the start.
Like thats the POINT of the game obviously but I still keep going back to it. In most games, even if the protagonist dies at the end, its a defiance of fate. It's "I'll take you with me" or "I won't let you do this"
But in FFXV
Everything that happened with Noctis and Ardyn, both of their deaths, how they suffered, was preordained by the gods.
There are AU-type endings, like the one in Episode Ignis, or the one in the book, where things go better. And the book was the written version of what they were GOING to make the true ending. But they never made that into the game.
Noctis was born to die. He dies.
Ardyn was abandoned to die. He dies.
And that's just. It. Thats the ending. Thats where we land. Ardyn was doomed by god to take the role of sacrifice and antichrist, and Noctis was doomed before he was even born to the role of sacrifice and saviour and there's nothing to be done.
You don't fix it. You don't fight it. You just walk into your fate and die.
And there's just something so much more upsetting about that than in narratives where death is the defiance of fate. Like the story stares at you in the face, and tells you giving up is the right thing to do.
#not doctor who#rose rambles#sorry guys I remembered. my little guys.#have to ramble a bit.#you could very much fight me on whether the ending is akin to giving up#but you can't fight the fact that its a matter of duty and grim acceptance#its not happy. it doesn't even personally feel bittersweet#Ardyn dies and thats the best fate that the gods will let him have#Noctis dies and he would have died no matter what he did or who he fought#(they kill bahamut in the book to fix it but Ardyn still dies and they sort of abandon the chocobros for the love interest so I'm eh on it)#(and also again. Never made it into the game. You can hardly call it the true ending.)#All of the alternate endings Noctis lives but the only one you can play to the end#the only one without that dreamlike veneer#is the one where he dies. alone.#and the game isn't even GOOD it just hurts me forever#Ignis. Gives up his sight for Noctis. And still has to watch him go. Anyways.#ffxv
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sobbing at every heart event ...
#stardew valley#sdv shane#farmer koi#as someone who grew up thinking i would be fine with death at 18#as someone who struggled so hard with connecting with others because everything felt suffocating#being able to tell shane that im happy hes here is like telling myself that and hoo boy im crying#the things id love to hear and the things said to me being options in the six heart event#really impacted me#as someone who related to no after plan in the four heart event because i still dont even have a real plan in life#just wow the flashbacks to being unhappy in school the thoughts of being condemned in sunday school#and the fact you can tell him its a sin as a reason to not roll off a cliff is just enough to remind me of how much that hurts#as if im so bad you have to try guilting me into living... gosh#shanes heart events are therapy for me to actually tell someone i relate to YOURE STILL HERE AND THATS GOOD#like does concernedape know how therapeutic its been to tell shane the things i wanna hear#anyway sorry for the possibly depressing tags that is why i kept them in the tags#watch me go back and just delete all the tags but yeah this has been emotional to see from a diff perspective#im so used to being shane that its wild to see what it might look like and its kinda crushing me
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the only half way safe space to be a lesbian is online and literally y’all fucking suck too, i am so depressed
#castdowns.txt#i hate conversion therapy i don’t want to be straight i don’t want to like men i don’t like them i don’t care for them#i am so tired of feeling like the most hideous creature because everything changes when people find out that i’m gay#like i’m either a little boy or a problem and i am so fucking sad#like sorry you can’t fix me but literally i will not be able to function if i concede more ground to men and patriarchy like i am so tired#i wanna lock myself in my room a lot of the time like i don’t feel good ever#and yes my period is coming but god dammit thats not the only thing wrong#its never the only thing wrong unfortunately i just have very strong emotions that i try to suppress all of the time#yes my fawn response is bad i know this i dont know what to do about the fact that there is nothing people organically like about me#everyone has to train themselves to tolerate me and i am not above working to be loved but it doesnt feel like work towards the love i want#it feels like tying a noose tighter and tighter#it feels like smiling while my blood is pooling down the fucking drain again and again#and i love people around me i do it just always feels like i am alone#i sleep under the flag and i sleep in my bed alone every night surrounded by the stuffed animals i buy to feel something#*jo march voice* i’m just so damn lonely
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my worry about my stupid school usb drive being Lost Until Proven Otherwise has genuinely made it difficult for me to enjoy anything at the moment. there’s nothing i can do with the hand i’ve been dealt with at the moment but at the same time if i do something silly and frivolous meant to be distracting and comforting i feel bad for not fucking. willing my drive back to existence and safety.
#mayor talk#vent#the 28th is the day of destiny btw thats when i go back to school to see/retrieve it from where i Totally left it#im so sorry to sound like a broken record but ‘i know its there and if it’s not its gone forever’ is the perfect recipe to#get me to catastrophize the living shit out of a tiny situation#i have my backup plans prepared if i dont find it. my proftolio review for school might suffer but rlly. i cant do anything to fix it#without the drive#this sucks dude this sucks soooo bad#WHAT IF IT’S NOT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH#the possibility of it not being there is made worse by the fact that im carving an entire day to go back to the city#just to get it. IF it’s there. and if its not damn. i not only wasted my time my whole work history is gone for good#:)
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Mann….out of all the things my brain could of brought up to wallow in RIGHT before going to sleep did it really have to be the realisation that I’m like. Completely alone in the world. I genuinely have no stable, healthy relationship like at all. Not even with myself. I know I don’t deserve nor am capable of forming and maintaining a relationship of any sort but like GOD DAMNNNN
#maybe not totally alone in the world#got my mom and dad but#lets the brutally real for a second#that shit is the most fragile on and off atomic bomb codependency with a side of walking on eggshells and caretaker burnout#i guess i just mean that i dont have any healthy relationship in my life atm#fun.#also getting that middle of the night urge to text my old bsf who basically ghosted me#rationally its not a good idea#which is whats keeping me from doing it#but man do i want to be passive agressive#bitter#fond#well wishing#wanting to start over when we’re older#a mess of all of the above#oh btw moots#im sorry but#as much as I appreciate the lil interactions we have#its hardly comparable to a relationship#perhaps some of us could become friends if it wasnt for the fact that i know full well im not#im not a good person to be friends with trust#especially right now#all you’d be getting would be a clingy mess who cares little about you actually because im selfish lile that#literally all I want to do is play the games i like together and seldom try yours#i think i make for a fun conversation partner but thats about it#and even then i interrupt and butt in all the time#also dealing with my indirect venting through my posts and therefore worryng about me ending my life would also be unhealthy asf#trust me i know i have many times gone through being friends/generally caring and worrying about someone who self harms/wants to die#it is a nightmare to deal with when you genuinely care for them#so please dont get attached like that to me
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