#sorry that i was gone for so long but i‘m still in my a levels phase hagshaha

[nekroschafis-obsessions]

Most busy sheepi! (Obsession + insomnia is heavy atm) Also sorry my current focus is almost exclusively on the two projects I am working on (the sheep decorations last 4 pieces at my workplace / desk) and the digital project which for me is a totally new topic so I can barely find time to think of something else (or sleep) which means I can barely find the time for any of my other obsessions (unless it comes to random topics infodumping in conversations with my workmates or friends) so….I want to „apologize“ for being „gone“ but I can assure you the SP fandom and my obsession with my favourite characters will NEVER end! It‘s just currently resting because my mind can‘t split its focus endlessly, especially when there is so much new to learn and troubleshoot in my project. (and focusing on THIS plus a single-topic internet forum helps me distract from my waiting time as long as my housing situation is on hold). I also happened to stumple upon clips of the South Park End of obesity which already makes me excited for when I will take the time to finally watch it and focus on one of my many favourite cartoons again. At the moment I CAN‘T but I can be sure I won‘t out of future fandom inspiration that soon. \o/ And maybe when I become less busy with single topics / activities I will probably return to my other websites including this one again. After all I did have fun here and it‘s always nice to read about fandom stuff. Also I occasionally dive into fanart again, although currently in other topics, but this means I will probably be more confident of at least putting my ideas on paper / creating scribbles again instead of forcing myself to focus on non-fandom art for practice purpose / new techniques / commissions at my workplace. Anyway I currently don‘t post my sketches and photos here as I take a break of tumblr / insta / deviantart and focus on the fandom exclusive forum only as it feels better for me when it comes to keeping my inspiration and motivation level up and my depression / anxiety level low. It just feels like my youth again where one fandom community was the dominant gathering place that made it easier for me to create even quick fanart ideas, even when they are first attempts at this fandom art. So for now I‘m still all sheepi crafts and Don‘t Starve aligned, probably as long as I am trapped in my current house to keep my sanity and focus as high as possible (at the cost of staying awake for 3+ days and backaches and eyestrain)

But I fear I have barely felt that much happiness and that little anxiety within the past years!

Looking forward to post random stuff here again. :)

Anyway my compulsive negative thoughts have almost been reduced to zero since I started to dive into my current longterm focus.

So happy Schafi Mäh! \o/ Määääääh!!!!!

[correctskz]

seungmin: just go in there and be mean and nasty and unattractive

hyunjin: i‘m not that good of an actor

[roseytoesy]

snakes hunger

A/N: this is for the annon that wanted those Levi based stories!

summary: Levi forgot what time of the month it was and had forgoten to eat that day due to an event going on. Unfortunately snake instinct + hunger + human friend giving a surprise visit= a complicated mess.

it was the anticipated Ruri Chan annual celebration week! To celebrate the creation and release of the Ruri Chan we all know and love! Levi had been preparing for this week for the past few. luckly or unfortunately for Levi, he had forgotten to do his weekly hour transformation and in his busy prep for the next day event to start he could feel a tingling feeling sores down his spine and through his body.

this hasnot happened in a decade after he was forced into his animal form in the middle of a new release game he had binged and 100% within 2 weeks. His eyes widened is surprise and he wailed as his arms and Legs dissapeared and he transformed into a large 20 foot long dark indigo sea snake. his DDD clattered on the table he was next to.

time skip.

Rose was a bit worried when Levi hadnt replied or even read her messages about bringing him any supplies to get ready for his big event. she worried and paced in front of his door as mammon walked by. “Oi! Rose? What are ya doin?” He asked matching her pace as she walked back and forth.

“Oh sorry mammon.” she said scratching the back of her head. “I‘m just worried about Levi, he hasn’t been responding to my texts.” She said pulling out her DDD. “He haven’t even read the texts I sent!“ she showed him the screen. he rose a questioning eyebrow at that and shrugged.

“ya know how he is right now, probably forgettin about everythin else but that Ruri-Chan event or whatever.“ he says patting her back. Mammon then grabbed and juggles the door knob and huffed in annoyance as it was locked. Rose walked over to the door and knocked rhythmically, knocking out the rhythm of the Ruri Chan anime theme The door shuttered then opened to allow her to pass. mammon took a step forward but Rose put a hand on his chest, causing him to stop and blush and studder.

“thank you for the push to check in on him but I don’t want him summining Logan if he saw you in his room and eying up his stuff.“ mammon squawked in offense but backed off at her glare at him. He walked away with a huff.

just before he turned the corner he shouted to her and posibaly to Levi, “I’ll be checkin’ in on Rose in an hour or so! So ya better not be getting all close and stuff!” roses shook her head before walking into Levi’s blue lit room.

the door closed behind her with a soft click and she moved forward toward the bathtub in the center of the room. As she walked forward she heard a buzz on the table next to the tub bed and saw his phone lying there seemingly mid text. She looked around worriedly and called out his name a few times. There was nothung but silence and the soft bubbling of the tank in the far wall.

as she walked up the the wall to look inside the tank, she tripped over something big and long. But when she turned around to look at what was there it was gone. She now felt a bit uneasy as she looked around and called out to Levi again. Still no response but she swore she heard something russling over near the closet area where Levi kept his clothing and costumes.

When she got close she heard some soft hissing on the other side of the door and hesitated. Then she opened the door and let out a surprised sound as a large indigo snake fell onto the floor. It looked around in a daze before looking at her and rising up so it’s eyes were level with hers. It’s tongue Flicked out a few times before is flinched back and started to try and slither back into the closet.

“Levi?” Rose asked as she recognized the snake. It turned its head back at her and then shook its head before trying to get back in the closet again. She gently wrapped her arms through a loop in his coils and started to pull him out of the closet, he hissed in retaliation. She pulled with all her strength but moving a 300+ pound, 20 foot long snake was very difficult. She pulled with all her might and the snake turned and hissed louder, shaking its head before trying to get back into the closet and bonking it’s head on the doorway. Rose cooed at him, trying to get him to come out.

it hissed weekly at her and tried one last time to get into the closet. This time rose was able to drag most of him out and onto the open space on the floor. The snake looked down at the ground as rose tried to get him to look at her. when she asked him what was wrong he moved his fin like tail tip and “drew“ some letters saying “stuck”. She gently patted his head. “that’s ok Levi. Even if you can’t get back to normal I can help you stay up to date with everything.” Rose offered. his head fell a bit, looking like a hung towel. “I know it’s not optimal but we can’t really do much, you said it yourself, you’re stuck.” The snake lowered his head down to the floor with a sigh(?). she watched as the snake slithered over to the bedside table and pull itself over to a box in the table, rose recognized the box‘s logo. It was the company that made his favorite rainbow pizza. She opened the box and took out a slice for the snake that was hatching and following the slice eagerly.

she dropped it on the floor and the snake went down after it and tried to grab it multiple times. poor thing couldn’t eat the pizza with its strange shape and need for support while eating it. The snake curled up on itself pitifully. Rose gently dragged his head up for some chin scratches and snuggles. After a while Rose and Levi were able to be comfortably seated in his bathtub. Rose held the DDD with funny videos playing in it while Levi was curled around her waist and down her arm holding the DDD.

it was odd sure but at least this way Levi wasn’t hiding in a closet or sulking alone. Everyonce in a while she felt him shift or fence on her but he would shake his head and relax.

after 40 or so minutes of this rose felt his coils constrict around her and she gasped a bit looking down at the little snakes head. “Woa! Levi! what are you doing?” She asked but she didn’t see those familiar orange and purple eyes she saw yellow sliced snake eyes staring at her. thsi wasn’t Levi anymore! She struggled against the coils hold but he had all but one arm wrapped up She tried to push down the coils around her chest but it hisssed and seemed like it was going to bite her, it seemed to hit something and recoiled before trying again. This time it gave up trying to inject poison her and pushed her to be laying down in its coils in the pillow filled bathtub. She struggled more now that she had an idea of what the snake was about to do.

She could only really scream as the snakes head opened wide and wrapped around her own. she struggled but that only helped the snake readjust it’s jaw with a small pop before pushing her shoulders into its mouth and pushing her head down its tight throat. The snake continued pushing her down into its body until her bare feet slipped just into its throat and it could bob its head with a few more swallows. once she was stuck laying down on her front as a large bulge on the snake she twitched and wiggled but was unable to do much in the super tight and constructing area she was stuck in. The snake moved to get comfortable and rested its head on top of where she was.

by the slowed heartbeat and the somewhat cooler temperature around her she could tell he had fallen asleep not that it had had its meal. Luckily she was fine and it wasn’t too hot in here. Hopefully once Levi wakes up, he can let her out.

as she started to fall asleep she heard the door crash open and mammon’s loud call for them to break it up. Then silence as mammon looked around for both of them. It didn’t take long to figure out where he was. Because suddenly a shrill scream broke the silence and Rose felt something poke at her and felt Levi fence around her.

mammon babbled about how he hated snakes as Levi hissed at him. Levi looked around confused and a bit sad that rose was gone before trying to slither out and feeling very weighed down. He looked down at the weight he felt on him and froze before poking the human shaped bulge with his nose. Rose sighed as she felt another poke and she shifted to try and get comfortable again. Rose patted the squishy flesh that she could reach to comfort the distraught and now very tense Levi.

”I-it’s ok! I know it wasn’t on purpose. you poor thing you haven’t eaten in the past day have you?” The snake nodded sadly and mammon rushed over at hearing roses voice. “y-yer fine?” he sounded relieved. “ya mammon. Levi just got stuck in his snake form for a bit and got lost to the snake Instincts and hunger. It’s a bit tight in here but not to bad.” she said shifting again. “w-well he better not hold onto you for too long! You were suposed ta just check up on the nerd!“ mammon said accusingly at the snake. It hissed at him loudly before shooting forward to smack him in the face with a head but. Mammon shrieked again before scampering out of the room. Levi then relaxes and Rose could feel the guilt and apologies through the gentle nudges against her trapped form.

“its ok Levi, you weren’t yourself. Hopefuly after an hour or so you’ll let me out and I’ll use the pact to keep you normal ok?” She offered shifting again in the coil she was within. the rest of the afternoon passed and once out rose did get Levi back to normal where he apologized so much for loosing himself. they hung out and participated in the event together for the rest of the week.

[91percentpynch]

false god - kevaaron au pt 5

long time no see because i was in a writing block and that sucks but i‘m back and ready to break our hearts <33 thanks to argyro for helping me figuring out what happens here

i listened to false god by taylor swift cuz the angst??? love it!!! anygays this is from kevin‘s pov, i hope it makes sense and i hope you like it <33 stay safe, drink some water and always remember only racists, trump supporters, transphobes and homophobes skip meals!!

to check out the other parts click here

Aaron wasn‘t gone for too long when Kevin‘s phone rang

He didn‘t have the energy to pick it up, just to stare it down as if some kind of magic or his sheer will power would make it stop, let him be alone with his thoughts

But obviously that didn‘t work, it never did

The phone kept ringing, slowly driving the striker mad, slowly taking his sanity.

It would be the fifth or sixth missed call that would make him get up to answer the phone

„KEVIN HI NICKY HERE, LISTEN I TRIED TO CALL YOU FOR THE PAST HALF HOUR OR SO BUT AARON‘S IN THE HOSPITAL AND I CAN‘T GET THERE UNTIL LIKE TOMORROW AND ANDREW DOESN‘T ANSWER HIS PHONE EITHER AND HE WOULD TAKE LIKE HOURS TO GET THERE AS WELL CAN YOU PLEASE GO TO HIM SO HE DOESN‘T HAVE TO BE ALONE I DON‘T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED PLEASE, KEVIN I NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING FROM YOU PLEASE JUST GO AND MAKE SURE MY SON IS OKAY“

„Nicky? Hi to you too. You do realize he isn‘t my responsibility and that he broke up with me and that I don‘t really have to go there. I don‘t own him shit. He made my life miserable. He probably deserves whatever happened to him“ was what Kevin wanted to answer, was probably what he was supposed to say. But deep down he knew it was not true, that Aaron never ruined his life. Made it better, made it it bareable. Made it worth living, not just existing. Made it more than Exy and Vodka.

After a few moments of silence that felt like an enterinity Kevin settled for a simple: „Which hospital?“

„OH DIO MIO GRACIAS, MUCHAS GRACIAS. ESTÁ EN EL CHICAGO HOSPITAL“, Nicky replied in Spanish. Something the Latino only did when he was either very emotional, very drunk, very angry or all at once.

Kevin didn‘t have it in him to tell Nicky that he still did not speak Spanish, he understood the hospital and that was enough. For now.

„I‘m on my way, call you later and Nicky? He‘s going to be fine. It‘s not your fault. You‘re a great mother to them, the best I‘ve ever had the pleasure to meet. Now calm down, go to Erik and take a nap. You don‘t have to come, he‘s with us. We got this. Do you want to talk to Jeremy while I go to check up on Aaron?“

„Sí“, was all Nicky had to say. Voice thick with tears.

„JER CAN YOU TALK TO NICKY AARON‘S IN THE HOSPITAL I‘M GOING THERE“, Kevin shouted into the flat.

„Absoloutly“, Jeremy replied and took the phone from Kevin.

„Mi corazón, escúchame“, was the last thing Kevin heard as it hit him. Aaron was in the hospital. Right after Kevin refused to listen to him, right after Kevin refused to let him explain himself. It was Kevin‘s fault. If Aaron died, he would have killed him. He was basically a murderer. His breathing came out uneven, his lungs didn‘t get enough air. He knew that he needed to breathe, but breathing was hard and he was weak.

Jean noticed Kevin having a panic attack when he came to check up on him. „Day, listen to me. Breathe. In... And out... In.... And out... In... And out“

Kevin‘s breathing got better, slowly but steadily.

„It‘s my fault“, the striker whispered.

„It‘s not, Kevin. It is not your fault. If you don‘t want to go there, you don‘t have to. He is not your responsibility“

„Hypothetically if Jeremy was to break up with you and you‘re hurt and sad and blame him for your misery when it‘s more the lack of him that makes you feel that way and his sister or brother or mother or whoever would call you and hysterically asked you to go look after him cause his family is stuck on another continent and the only other person who could call refuses to take the phone cause they‘re too busy doing their boyfriend, would you not go cause he is not your responsibility anymore? Because Aaron is my Jeremy. Just like Jer saved your life and made you see that live is indeed worth living, Aaron showed me the same“

„I don‘t think I would surive Jeremy leaving me, you‘ve always been stronger than me. Should I give you a ride?“, Jean whispered.

„It‘s not a thing of strenght Jean, it‘s an addiction. It used to be alcohol that made me forget, made me feel light and free and carefree. I drank and drank until I couldn‘t live without it anymore. And then I met Aaron, I tasted him, I smelled him and he chose me. Me? What did I have to offer him? A boy broken and raised by Exy. All I can offer is Exy. Nothing more. Until he made me see that it was wrong, that I am more than that. And he might have broken my heart and yes I might still love him even though he will never feel the same but I cannot not go there. I have to. I have to be there for them, the way he was always there for me“

„Get your things, we‘re going to the hospital“, Jean replied, unable to put his emotions into words.

So Jean and Kevin left for the hospital while Jeremy tried to calm Nicky down with softly whispered Spanish words.

As they arrived at the hospital Kevin stormed in there.

„Aaron Minyard“, was all he was able to say. Too many memories were connected with hospitals. Too many memories he would much rather just forget.

„Name?“, the nurse said in a bored tone.

Kevin just put a finger on his cheek.

„Kevin Day? I can‘t let you to him, only family and spouses“

„What if I sign something, we take a nice selfie and you tell me where he is. You see I‘m basically family. I‘m the closest and the others can‘t be here until at least tomorrow evening and we don‘t want the poor guy to be all alone and confused, do we?“, Kevin said with his press smile and shining eyes. He knew the charme he had on females. It was just not useful for him as he never really was into that. He never was into anyone but Aaron, to be fair.

„I could lose my job for that“, the nurse replied, her eyes wandering from his eyes to his lips and up again.

„I‘m sure I can offer you something that will you let me to go see him“, Kevin replied with a wink, being disgusted by himself that he even thought about all the possiblities this woman could ask him to do with her.

„Room 21, second floor, station E. You clearly care about him, if anyone asks it wasn‘t me“, she smiled at him. „Besides I always liked Moreau more, I‘m sure we can think of something to do while you are with the boy“

„Sorry“, Kevin whispered to Jean as he ran down the aisle trying to figure out where Aaron was.

The hostpital was a mess of busy nurses and angry doctors, but nothing could stop a determinded Kevin Day. No one. Not even Andrew Minyard.

After what felt like forever he made it to the room, kicked the door open and walked with three long strides to Aaron.

„You fucking idiot, what have you done?“, he whisper-shouted, holding back tears while taking in Aaron‘s sorry state.

„I don‘t need your fucking pity“, Aaron replied, exhausted.

„Did you tell them you can‘t have morphine? Because you might relapse, i mean you already did but we don‘t want it to get worse. And this is not pity, this is Nicky yelling at me in Spanish cause you‘re in the hospital and he‘s in Germany and I‘m the closest to you and he does not want his son to be alone“

„Andrew didn‘t care to come, did he?“, Aaron whispered into his pillow.

„Andrew does care about you he‘s just shit at showing it, that fucking asshole“, Kevin replied softly. „C‘mon what have you done Minyard?“

„Car accident, not that it‘s any of your fucking business“

„How are you?“

„Fucking great, I should let a truck drive into me more often. Very freeing. Very calming“, Aaron said sarcastically, avoiding Kevin‘s eyes.

„A truck. Drove into you?“, shock made Kevin‘s Irish accent stronger.

„Not that you would care“, Aaron‘s voice was barely more than a whisper as he turned around, back to Kevin.

„Aaron first of all I can see you naked ass and not that I wouldn‘t mind the view and I‘ve seen it often enough but the nurses don‘t have to see that too. And secondly of course I care. I always did. Always will“

Blushing Aaron turned back towards Kevin.

„Why wouldn‘t you listen to me if you care so much? You‘re exactly like like Andrew, you guys only ever care when I‘m about to die or do something that doesn‘t sit right with you. Never about me as a person. The conecept about me maybe, but me? Me as a person? No one cares about that“

„You are Aaron Minyard. Born on the 4th of November, 8:31:45 am. You grew up in California in the house next to Nicky. Nicky and you were always close and you didn‘t have many friends because of your mom. Your mom might have abused her and I might hate her for that but you still love her and I get that because on some fucked up level I still care about Riko. You are allergic to cats, peanuts and house dust. You have a freckle right on your right hip, under your navel, from under your left eye over to the nose to the corner of your right eye. You like it when you are hold when you can‘t sleep but you hate showing affection in public. You were 13 when you started exy, because it gave you an escape, but you had to stop because the bruises from your mother‘s beating got to obvious. So you started getting into medicine. You borrowed every single book on medicine you could find and read it at night, always hidden from your mom. You had to have straight As or the beatings would be worse. Your mom did go out to have ice cream with you when it was especially bad. That‘s why you hate ice cream so much, especially vanillia because it was her favourite. Your secret hobby is skating. You feel free when you do it. You want to live at the coast, but not close to Cali, never back to Cali. You want Andrew to notice you and you hate how easily he let Neil in because obviously deserve it more and I get that. You tried drugs to escape, to see what was the appeal. Your uncle never helped you but he brainwashed you into believing he did. You grew up very religous and in an extraordinary homophobic household, you watched your cousin and only friend getting shipped away because he was different, not right, so you confinced yourself you were different. Heterosexual. When in reality you knew since you were 15 that you preferred guys. You liked girls as well. At least you thought but it‘s so much more complicated. Actually it isn‘t. You‘re asexual, you do however like the feeling of sex. You think the process is disgusting, but you still like the feeling. It has to be the right person though. It doesn‘t matter wether it‘s a boy or a girl or something else entierly, all that matters are the feelings the person makes you feel. It took you years to accept that you are not wrong, that you wouldn‘t have to go away like Nicky. You apologized to Nicky. You thought you had to be against their relationships, because that‘s what they made you believe. Old habits die hard. But you got over it and I am very proud of you. You sleep with a teddybear or with another person that cuddles you because the thought of being alone scares the living crap out of you. Your favourite flowers are sunflowers because yellow is a happy color. You hate sweets, you prefer salty snacks. You prefer coffee black, like your sould. You use sarcasm and humor as your coping mechanism. You stole my history books because you love history as well. You also love art but you don‘t think you are good enought to become an artist. You would love to work at Jean‘s studio but you are afraid to ask. You and Jean used to be friends but you cut him off and isolated yourself because your anxities and insecurities took over you again. Sometimes you have depressive episodes, in these you crave drugs more than normally. You want to stop it, you really do but somehow your brain tries to tell you you need it. You would love to have five dogs. An Irish Red Setter, an Irish Wolfhound, a poodle a big one though, a labrador and a golden retriever. You also want to adopt at least two kids. You don‘t want any child to go through what you had to go through or Andrew. So don‘t you dare tell me I never cared for you. Because I do. I listen when you tell me things. I remember every single time you came to me, black out drunk, crying and telling me you‘re worthless. Because every single time I wanted to tell you you aren‘t. You are a wonderful human being and I don‘t understand why I wasn‘t enough for you to stay but I will not let you tell me I never cared about you. Because that‘s some fucking bullshit“

Kevin didn‘t even notice the tears running down his cheeks. It‘s been a while since he was that emotional, since he let his walls down and dared to show emotions.

„You really did listen“, was all Aaron had to say.

„Why wasn‘t I enough for you?“, Kevin replied, voice thick of tears, Irish accent strong.

[jbbuckybarnes]

List of Firsts

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Reader (2k) Description: You’re working on a movie project with Sebastian & Anthony in Atlanta and the topic of “Experiences in your late teens and early twenties” comes up. Warnings: anxiety, panic attack, not proofread A/N: I don’t write much RPF anymore, so I hope this doesn’t read too awkward.

Masterlist

You had been experiencing a lot of great things on set. Not only was this your first role you ever got, it was also a freaking side role in a few episodes of a Marvel series. With the potential to become something bigger. But that wasn‘t the main reason why it was great. You finally got the positivity you had been craving all your life. The man playing Bucky Barnes, Sebastian, had been an absolute delight to be around. Always joking, always listening and always getting way too deep and philosophical. Anthony had the joking part down and whenever you had a bad day on set you just stood around him to get some of that positivity. „So I gave her a piggyback ride so we could get out of there without her whining about her feet hurting.“ Seb talked about some party a couple years back with a big smile. „I‘ve never gotten a piggyback ride.“ You commented looking up at the sky. You two were on daybeds and had a break from filming. He looked at you with a frown, „Excuse me? You‘ve never had fun in your life?“ You chuckled, „I guess so.“ It kind of hurt to know that you didn‘t have the life you wanted until now. You barely had any friends and never really got out of the house. The last big memories you had made were 4 years ago. „You know, I just didn‘t do a lot of cool or random things until now. I was either the annoying girl or an outsider. And when that started to change my anxiety hit and I isolated myself. So I never really had late teens or early twenties to just have fun,“ you explained. „Gosh, sorry, that probably sounded really mean then.“ He frowned thinking about his comment. „It‘s alright. I‘m used to it.“ You mumbled. „Do you have a list, you know, of things that you haven‘t done and still want to do?“ He asked curiously. „Like a list of firsts? No. It would probably be super long, especially when you include a food section.“ You chuckled at the image of Spongebob‘s endless list in your mind. „Name one.“ „Gosh, I don‘t know, holding hands? Cooking with someone that‘s not family? Forehead kisses? Oh, I have a good one, water pistol fight.“ You giggled and saw him light up a bit. „And food?“ „Sushi, Poptarts, any Thai food pretty much, Tapas.“ You counted them off. „We‘re gonna have sushi for dinner then.“ He decided in disbelief and made you laugh. You knew he just wanted everyone to be happy around here. It showed in his little efforts to make you feel more comfortable.

___

„Here.“ He held out a water pistol to you the weekend after you had talked. „Wait, what?“ You looked up at him confused. „It‘s hot, we‘re in Atlanta and we happen to have an outdoor pool in this hotel, so I bought these.“ He shrugged as if it was nothing. „Seb, I‘m wearing white.“ Your right eyebrow shot up. A shrug came back again with a sly smile, „Shit happens.“ He ran towards the pool to fill up his water pistol, „No!“ You ran after him with yours and the fight had begun. A splash of water drenched your shirt, showing your black sports bra underneath. You retaliated and aimed at his chest while trying to get into a hiding spot. „Nice bra.“ He laughed like a little boy. „Nice abs, macho.“ You rolled your eyes aiming at him from your spot behind a pillar. His hair was hit and ruined with a celebratory laugh from you as he started charging for you, making you run with a giggle. The back of your shirt was hit too, as well as your hair. „Seb!“ you squeaked out and hid behind another pillar where a back and forth ensued. „You‘re an idiot.“ You laughed before he leapt forward and grabbed you to empty the rest of the water he had onto your head with a big pout from you. „Just because you‘re bigger than me.“ You crossed your arms as the water ran down your shoulders. „Poor baby.“ He cooed before unexpectedly getting the rest of your water straight into his face. „You play dirty, I see.“ He smirked mischievously with water droplets from his hair hitting your face that had a giant grin on it. You reached down to wring out your shirt, „Do you have anything to change into? My stuff is in the washing machine downstairs.“ „Uh, yeah.“ he mumbled before getting off his shirt and wringing it out too. Half an hour later you sat in the lobby with a big hoodie and a cup of tea. Even better, you sat there being held warm by a certain idiot.

___

„Hey, what‘s wrong, darling.“ He asked softly leaning forward to meet you at eye level. „Nothing, I‘m just having a headache and feel very dizzy. I‘ll survive it,“ you mumbled and cuddled deeper into the coat your character was usually wearing. „Already took a painkiller?“ His head dipped to the side and you nodded a little weak. „Sebastian, Y/N, next scene.“ An assistant knocked at the door. „Coming in a second,“ he answered. He held out both of his hands to help you up and saw you almost fall back again. „Oh, dear.“ He exhaled at your state of health. „Did someone stick a knife in my head?“ You asked defeated. „C‘mon, take my hand. You‘ll sit down in between takes and I‘ll stare down everybody that wants you to overwork yourself.“ He grabbed your hand softly and felt you squeeze it back for stabilization. The rest of the day was spent in front of the camera, on a chair with a water bottle or hanging onto him for dear life to not trip. „Thank you,“ you mumbled by the end of the day and had two giant hands on your head, slowly pushing down on pain points. „Hey, I know how fucking awful it is to work with a knife in your head.“ He chuckled. „You didn‘t have to do it though.“ You shrugged and relaxed a little at the pain points in your neck being released. „Okay, that might hurt a little more.“ He mumbled as he pushed the points connecting neck and shoulders. An uncomfortable whimper left you, „Ouch.“ „Sorry.“ He went over them softly and had you fall against his chest seconds later. „God, I feel so much better now.“ Your voice was muffled against his clothes and he gave you a full bear hug, side to side swaying and all. „Can I always have someone like you when I feel bad?“ You asked looking up with a tired smile and got a grin back.

___

„You two are cute, you know?“ Anthony commented as Sebastian looked over to you filming a scene alone. „What do you mean?“ A brow shot up as he looked to his friend. „Everyone‘s been saying that you both, uh, spent some time alone in your trailer last week after we wrapped.“ A cheeky grin came back. A frown built on his face, „Yeah, she had a headache and I just did that pain point thing my mom always did to me when I was younger.“ „Then why have you been holding hands that entire day?“ Now Anthony‘s brow shot up. „She was tripping all over the place because the headache made her dizzy. So I just helped her to not fall on her face all day.“ „Oh. So that‘s why she sat so much between takes.“ „Do you wanna tell me,“ His hand went over his face, „That people see me holding someone‘s hand and immediately assume I just-“ „I mean, it‘s not half bad. There are worse people to be your rumor girlfriend.“ His friend chuckled and stopped pretty fast at the concerned face. „I just...She told me a bit about herself and how her life was before this and I‘m honestly just trying to make her days a little bit brighter. I don‘t wanna come off that way.“ „Hey, don‘t get in your head about it. She clearly enjoys being around you too.“ A smile. „I‘m not int-“ „Anthony!“ And he needed to film his next scene. You looked over to him in the chair as you talked to someone from the production for a while, but when you wanted to walk towards him he was gone. And he was for the rest of the day unless he needed to film. The same happened the next day and the day after. „Anthony?“ „Huh?“ „Is there something wrong with Sebastian?“ His face got worried, „Not that I know of, why?“ „I don‘t know. He just hasn‘t talked to me in a few days and I don‘t know why.“ You fidgeted with your hands. „I‘ll talk to him, alright?“ A nod and then you got back to work.

___

You got all internal about it. What did you do wrong? Did you say something hurtful? Did something bad happen in his life that he didn‘t want to share? Maybe you were just not a priority with all his friends around, you‘d understand that. But why was he in his trailer all the time then? You woke up the next day and had an anxious and sad feeling sticking to you the entire morning. You could handle certain uncertainties but not the ones that had to do with people around you. After a while you got ready for the day and went into hair and makeup. He was no different today. Well, a little different. He wasn‘t in his trailer the entire time anymore. Whenever you weren‘t needed you just cowered together in a chair or some other place. Your breathing got uneven, your thoughts started to spiral, heart rate picked up, palms got sweaty, your knees shaky. „Oh please no,“ you whispered to yourself. Anxiety attacks you could control, panic attacks only came when you were stressed out and without a trigger. You hectically looked up and looked around in your cotton-feeling world, when you saw him talk to one of his friends. You made a beeline for him with a deep frown in your face that he couldn‘t ignore and couldn‘t run from. Your head landed on his chest and with a whimper you got out, „Panic attack.“ You felt arms wrap around you softly and a thumb going through your hair. „I‘m here. Breathe slowly,“ he murmured in a soft voice. You followed the 5-6-7 rule for what felt like an hour, your knees feeling more and more like jello. He got down a little and picked you up, „Keep it up.“ He carried you away from all the noise and into a room drowning it all out. „You made me so worried,“ you whimpered, „What did I do?“ „I‘m sorry, you did nothing. I just...I guess I‘m just an idiot.“ „Yeah, but why?“ You looked up at him as he set you back down. „There was a rumor about...us. And I didn‘t want that to, you know, ruin anything.“ You dipped your head to the side, „I don‘t care about rumors.“ „Yeah, usually me neither, but I guess there was something to it when it comes to me.“ he shrugged. „Please never do that again. I thought I did something bad,“ you mumbled and felt his hands by your face again. „Promise.“ A kiss was placed on your forehead.

___

„So, uh,“ he stood there with a demeanor of a schoolboy on one of your location shooting days, „would you, after we filmed today, maybe, you know, grab something to eat with me?“ „Yeah, sure.“ You shrugged. „As...like a date.“ He added a little softer and scrunched up his face expecting a bad response. „Oh, uh,“ You could feel the heat rise up to your face, „Y-yeah. Sure.“ You saw triumph on his face and boxed him against the chest, „You said grab, not sitting in a loud restaurant.“ „Uuuh, you wanna cook with someone else for the first time?“ He wiggled his brows. „Someone that can‘t cook, may I add.“ You rolled your eyes with a smile. „Congratulations, you signed up for a whole series of firsts just with having me cook.“ He laughed before you were sent to do your job again. A job that went by way faster with something to look forward to.

[talatomaz]

divided pt.i | team arrow x lance!reader

a/n: this takes place during season 6 where nta is formed. (dinah isn’t in love with vincent)

warnings: mentions of death

word count: 2.1k

masterlist | request list | request rules

pt.i | pt.ii

r is a lance!sister aka baby!lance and has the powers of teleportation. she works with team arrow but is also in a relationship with dinah. she has always been loyal to ota as they’re her family but when they betray dinah, rene and curtis...who’s side will she take? the love of her life or her family?

i do not give you permission to repost or translate my fics on any platform - likes/reblogs are okay and are much appreciated

“To Oliver and Felicity!”

Rene toasted so everyone, including you, raised your glasses of champagne in honour of the newly wed couple.

As everyone clapped, Pink’s ‘Raise Your Glass’ began playing and everyone started to dance. You watched for a minute as Dinah, your girlfriend, and Quentin, your father, danced together. You smiled at them and saw Oliver and Felicity standing above you all on the balcony.

Once you made your way to them, you congratulated the couple and asked to speak to Oliver alone.

You had known Oliver your entire life as he and your sisters grew up together and he even went out with both of them but, let’s just say, that didn’t turn out well. You had mourned him and Sara when the Gambit went down. You did so once again when he returned after 5 years but Sara didn’t. You celebrated when she finally returned and cried when you lost her again.

Then you and Laurel had brought her back to life, only to lose your eldest sister soon after. But through it all, Oliver was there. You were the first to find out his secret identity, even before Felicity and Diggle, and you were his first partner, helping him work his way through his father’s list. Since then, the team had grown substantially, Rene, Curtis and Dinah being the newest recruits.

“I‘m so proud of how far you have come, Ollie. I just can’t believe all of this started with us.” You gestured to everyone below the two of you, dancing away.

“Thank you, y/n. We’ve really come a long way from the people that we were when we were younger.”

“Hey, you were the spoilt rich kid. I was just the nerdy kid who looked up to her sisters.” You both laughed as you leaned against the pillar.

Sighing, you continued speaking,

“Despite the mess that happened between you and Laurel, I know she’s happy for you and Felicity.”

Oliver placed a hand on your shoulder,

“She’d be proud of you, y/n. You may not be the Black Canary but you are your own hero and Laurel wouldn’t have asked for anything more.”

You didn’t respond, tears simply filled your eyes. You reciprocated his smile,

“I lost Laurel and though not a day goes by that I don’t think of her, I’m glad I have you. I may have a lost a sister but I gained a brother.”

Oliver’s eyes welled with tears as he pulled you in for a tight hug and choked out ‘thank you’. During the embrace, Felicity returned, shocked at the change in your emotions,

“Wow, y/n. What did you say to make Oliver cry?”

You hugged the hacker and stood on your tiptoes so you could place a gentle kiss on the vigilante’s cheek, his beard lightly scratching your skin as you did so.

“Just the truth.” You replied matter-of-factly before leaving the duo to find your father.

Upon finding him, Dinah told you she had to leave to take care of something so you kissed her goodbye and started to dance with Quentin.

As you both swayed to the music, your father spoke, “You know I love you, y/n? And whomever you love doesn’t change that.”

You stopped to stare up at him, confused at his words before you realised,

“Of course, Dad. I know...Oh, you know about your Nazi doppelgänger, don’t you?”

He nodded, “Cisco let it slip after Barry told him.”

You shook your head in contempt, “You’re the best father anyone could wish for. That Earth Xer is nothing like you. No one could ever live up to you.”

Quentin hugged you close and you both continued dancing until he spotted Donna, his ex and Felicity’s Mum, and approached her to make amends before being interrupted by a phone call.

***

“I still think Dinah should have been with us, hoss.”

You had all returned from a mission with the exception of Dinah who was at the SCPD, according to Oliver.

“Hey. Did you guys just get back from the field? Why didn't I get a call?”

Dinah entered the bunker, staring at you all in shock.

“I thought you were stuck in an important meeting at SCPD. Right, Ollie?”

You asked the vigilante who didn’t answer and instead requested to speak privately with Dinah.

When she refused, he cleared his throat and approached her, “I know that you’ve been meeting with the vigilante in secret.”

“You followed me?” She questioned in disbelief.

“I did.” He answered making you and Dinah to freak out.

He explained, or rather, shouted that someone on the team had betrayed him and believed that person to be Dinah.

“I think you have given me no reason to trust you.”

At this point, you had had enough and stood between Oliver and Dinah to prevent a physical confrontation.

“Ollie, if she’s meeting with Vince, it’s none of your business.”

“Oh, so you knew about Dinah meeting Vigilante?”

You winced at the venom in his voice before replying with the same level of spite, a sneer painted on your face.

“No, I didn’t. But whether or not I knew makes no difference. It’s Dinah’s business and her’s alone. She would have told me when she wanted to. The fact remains that she has been a part of this team for almost a year, has saved your life, mine and everyone’s here’s countless times. Or did you forget that, Oliver?”

Now it was the latter’s turn to wince. You rarely called him by his full name, opting to call him by the nickname you had used since you were a child.

His mouth opened but no words came out so Curtis began speaking and mentioned there was no way of knowing who betrayed the team which ended in Diggle letting slip a secret.

“Wait, you followed us? Even me?”

They didn’t answer because Rene had shouted to quieten you all. He revealed that he was the witness testifying against Oliver because he was threatened that his daughter would be taken away from him. Oliver, understandably angry, kicked him out causing Dinah and Curtis to follow.

That left you standing with OTA who were all staring at you but you had no words for them. You knew you had to work with them because your father had been kidnapped by Cayden James and you would do whatever it took to get him back. But it didn’t stop you being frustrated with them.

You turned around and started to leave before stopping when Felicity called your name.

“I can’t be here right now. I am so angry with all of you.” You said over your shoulder and then left the bunker.

Taking your phone out of your pocket, you called your girlfriend who answered on the first ring.

“Dinah, I’m so sorry for what they did. I didn’t know.”

“God, y/n. How the fuck could they do that?”

“I don’t know. I just left,” you sighed, “Look, this is a messy situation for me and I don’t want to be caught in the middle. Just know that I love you.”

“I know you didn’t have anything to do with it. I appreciate you sticking up for me.”

“Of course. I’d do anything for-”

Before you could finish your sentence, you heard someone come up behind you and as you turned to face the assailant, you felt a prick in your neck. You immediately felt woozy, your legs weak as you fell into someone’s arms as Dinah’s voice became muffled.

“Y/N?!”

***

You groaned as you came to. Your head was cloudy, your vision blurred. You heard muffled shouts of your name and when you started to gain consciousness, your head lolled to the side and you saw your father tied up and a familiar face standing beside him.

“Dad? Laurel? What happened?”

You started to become more alert, taking in your surroundings as you realised that you were chained to a chair. You had been kidnapped by Cayden James too. Fuck’s sake, that’s all you needed.

“How could I be mad at you, Dad? I’ve done way worse.”

You had been gone for a least an hour or two, and by now, you knew the team had figured out that you had been taken. Cayden James had ordered a reluctant Laurel to keep you just barely conscious to stop you from using your powers to escape.

With you reaming in and out of consciousness, you had just about managed to explain to Quentin what had happened before you were taken. You had learned that he was the first to know about the mole and had told Oliver, agreeing to keep you out of the loop. If it was any other person, you would’ve been angry but in this moment, you couldn’t be.

“Laurel and I lied to you about Sara’s death and we lied again when we didn’t tell you about us bringing Sara back. And I didn’t trust you to tell you that I had tried to bring Laurel back the same way we did Sara when she died. So how can I be mad? You’re my father.”

“Run.”

Laurel freed the cable ties that bound you and your father. You both stared in shock and the three of you turned when Oliver aimed an arrow at your sister’s doppelgänger.

“Thank you, Laurel.” You said quickly and she screamed her cry and disappeared.

***

After Laurel allowed you and your father to escape, you went back to the bunker; your father went back to his office to take care of some business.

And once again, Oliver kicked Rene out which led to Dinah and Curtis also quitting the team for good. She smiled at you before leaving, a quick gesture letting you know that she wouldn’t hold your decision against you.

It was like deja vu.

Just yesterday, you were in the same position. Left standing alone with OTA, except you decided to get some answers this time.

“I want to know the truth. Did you track me too?”

“No, I swear.”

At Oliver’s answer, you walked up the stairs leading to the centre of the bunker where all the computers were situated and began typing. Not nearly as good as Felicity but still experienced with computer systems, you pulled up the records and saw folders on Dinah, Rene and Curtis but not one on you. Granted, they could have erased it but there wasn’t any indication of that in the line of code.

“You don’t believe me?”

“No.” Your voice broke with that word, the feelings of betrayal coursing through you.

“Y/N-“

“No. Let me speak. Please.” You added in a whisper.

“I’m not angry anymore. I’m hurt. It would’ve hurt knowing that you had tracked me but what hurts more is the fact that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me. I’ve known you my entire life, Ollie. And I’ve known who you were long before Felicity and Dig knew. And yet, you couldn’t come to me with this.”

Oliver slowly approached you, as if you were a startled animal; Felicity and Dig opting to remain where they were.

“You hurt me, Ollie.” You repeated.

“You made me a fool. I gave you that whole speech at the reception and you just threw it back in my face. In the entire 24 years I have known you, not once have you ever betrayed me. Not ever. Until now.”

You quietened, the uneasy silence filling the air, and you turned to leave when Oliver grabbed a hold of your arm to stop you.

You looked into his eyes and saw they were filled with unshed tears, and in a sudden movement, he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close to him.

Reluctantly pushing him away, you wiped your tears away,

“I need time, Ollie.”

He softly nodded and his hold on you relented, allowing you to leave the bunker.

Part 2 ->

[twoidiotwriters1]

Starcrossed Losers VII (Josh Wheeler xReader)

A/N: So I guess most of you already heard the news about Daybreak… It sucks, and I’m really upset about it, but don’t worry, I won’t stop writing about the show, I love the story and I think as long as there are people interested in it, we can keep it alive. With nothing else to add, I hope you enjoy the chapter, see you on Thursday

Words: 4,153

Warnings: Blood, dead people, feelings, Y/N has a breakdown at some point and Eli is there to kinda calm her down??? idk, bad writing cause I just can’t proofread to save my life.

Previous chapter // Next chapter

I sent Wesley and Angelica to talk to Eli but it was a failure so now I’m waiting here while they get medicines from another place. I’m hungry as hell and waiting for a solution isn’t helping my anxiety. So I write a third note apart from the ones Wesley and Angelica put about going to the pharmacy on Josh’s hand saying I‘m looking for more bandages (cause now we only have one left) and that he better don’t move from where he is or I’ll knock him off again.

See? this is what I mean, people only cause you problems if you’re a good person. Will Josh wake up to thank us for doing all this stuff? Probably not, cause he’s too busy thinking about kissing Sam to be a decent human being. 

But who am I to judge anyway, is not like I was the embodiment of selflessness. I was going to end Alex’s relationship, that’s the kind of person I am.

——————————————

“Alex, hey! Alex!” I’ve been standing outside his place for what it feels like the longest time, it’s freezing and dark out here; if my parents notice I’m not home I won’t hear the end of it, but this is important. I need to know exactly where I’m standing on Alex’s life.

‘Y/N, you literally told us like two chapters ago that you and Alex never talked about the kiss, what the hell are you doing?’ Well…

“Y/N? Is all okay?”

Just keep reading.

“Stuart,” I say in a tone of surprise, “I didn’t know you were coming over to Alex’s”

“Yeah, we’re gonna watch a movie” Stuart says, giving me a curious look, “I didn’t know he had invited you”

“He didn’t,” I say quickly, “no, I just need to talk to him about something… school stuff.”

“School?”

“I know it’s late, but you know me,” I shrug, trying to sound as casual as posible, “I got all anxious about it and he wasn’t answering my texts, so…”

“Oh, I think it’s because he’s taking a shower,” He smiles, “but hey, let’s go inside so you don’t freeze to death.”

“I really don’t wanna bother…”

“Come on, Y/N, you’re a friend,” Stuart replies, “it’s better if you stop worrying about it and ask him, you’re here anyway.”

We walk inside Alex’s house and I sit on the edge of the couch, unable to control my anxiety. I look over to my friend and a sudden idea hits me. I could tell him and all would be over…

Stop! What did Katie just told you? I can’t do it with Stuart here, I can’t ruin their date. I can’t ruin my friends’ relationship just cause I’m confused about my own feelings. This is dumb, I can live with the doubt, I don’t have to do this. I’ll tell Stuart to not worry about it and I’ll-

“Y/N?” Alex appears at the end of the stairs, his hair is damped and his shirt has tiny droplets. But overall he looks nice.

And that’s when I realize, Alex never dressed like that for our outings. Or for when I was the one going over to his house to watch movies. He never did any of those nice things he does for Stuart. I discovered (with lots of pain) that if I ask him right now to tell me who is he in love with, he’s not gonna say my name.

And that’s all I needed to know.

“Uh, hi,” My voice comes out hoarse, I try to fix it before I continue, “you know what?” I look over to Stuart, “I can fix it on my own, don’t worry about it. Thanks for letting me in though.”

“Are you sure?” Stuart asks me in confusion.

“Yeah, I’m sure. You…” I look intently to Alex, making sure he knows what I mean with what I’m about to say, “clearly have something more important going on here. Don’t worry, I’ll do fine.”

Alex opens his mouth to answer but nothing comes out. He stares at me with a pained expression. Stuart walks me out since he’s the closest to me.

“Enjoy the night for me, will you?” I ask him once we’re outside, “and take care of Alex, he’s the only best friend I have.”

“Sure thing, boss,” He chuckles, “have a good night, Y/N. Try to not get so easily scared about little things.”

——————————————

“I don’t get easily scared,” I grumble, holding tightly the bandages against my chest, “fucking Stuart, being super nice…”

My rambling dies as soon as I’m in front of Josh’s bed. He’s tied up and has a piece of fabric on his mouth. Crumble is standing beside him.

“Uhm,” I look at her, “what the fuck?”

“He’s safe,” She mumbles, looking at his hand with hunger, “Don’t worry, he still has all of his body parts. Except for the finger.”

“I want to ask… but at the same time, I’m too afraid to do so,” I shake my head, and put the bandages on the table next to me, “that’s enough, we’re fixing this on our own, Crumble. I’m talking with Eli myself, he’ll give me whatever it is he has on that fucking pharmacy and he will do it, now,” I point to Crumble expecting to look at least a bit threatening, “no biting while I’m gone!”

“No biting,” Crumble shakes her head with enthusiasm.

Cut to five minutes later, I’m standing next to the curtain and screaming to get his attention.

“Eli Cardashyan, get your ass here right now!”

“Ah, have you guys come to your senses?” He’s got an annoying smirk on his face, “Do you have my lotion?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I ask, “No. Wesley and Angelica haven’t returned but Josh is getting worse and I need medicine. Please.”

“Open this shit up, then.”

“No can do, Wesley took the keys with him,” I reply.

“Then I’m sorry but I can’t help you.”

“Can you stop acting like a child for a second?” I huff in exasperation, “Neither Josh or I ever did anything to you at school. Help him.”

“But you saw,” He points his finger and wiggles it through the curtain, “you saw how they treated me and you never did anything about it.”

“Dude, if I would’ve tried to help every single student that the jocks mistreated I’d have been killed in the first month. I wasn’t fucking Sam Dean, no one knew my name and sure as hell no one respected me more than they respected you. How important is that now anyway? That happened months ago when dogs were still normal size.”

“Well, now more than ever my survival depends on whether or not I like or trust you. And I don’t. So I want you out of here.”

“Fine,” I try to grab his finger but he takes it back, “give me the medication and I’ll make sure we all leave the mall tomorrow morning.”

“For real?” His eyes widened.

“Well, yes asshole. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“I was fucking with you just to get on your nerves,” Eli raises his hands, “I have no medicines.”

“You don’t… What?!”

“I told Wesley before, I don’t have what he needs. That’s why they decided to look for it elsewhere,” He chuckles, “but it’s good to know you’re easily persuaded.”

“Fuck you, Eli!” I exclaim, “All I’m trying to do is to keep Josh alive, cause I don’t run away from problems and I’m totally capable of facing them, okay?! I need him to be okay, cause then all I did was a waste of time!”

And I’m having a crisis, I’m totally having a crisis when I fall to the floor crying over a stupid dying boy. 

“Hey, calm down,” Eli scrunches down to be at my level, though he can’t really touch me cause I’m sitting way further, he stays as close to the curtain as possible, “I’m sure Wesley and Angelica will get them, don’t lose it.”

“I’m such an asshole,” I cover my face with both hands, completely unable to stop the tears, “I can’t seem to do the right thing no matter what”

“What do you mean? You’ve been taking care of Josh for a whole day, you’re not an asshole.”

“I’m only doing it cause I feel guilty!” I shake my head, “I did something horrible to my best friend and my sister, and now I want to fix it with another human being so I feel less guilty about my shit. And I just fucked it up again. I should pack my bags and leave”

“Dude whatever you did, I’m sure it doesn’t make you a monster. I mean, Baron Triumph already took the title.”

I hate this. I’m drowning in stress and I’m telling this to Eli out of all people. Now he most certainly will use it against me and I can’t do anything about it. The worst part is that I’m truly scared of what might happen to Josh if we don’t give him the right treatment. He still has the chance that was taken from me months ago. He can be reunited with the person he cares about the most.

I manage to calm down enough to clear my head and stand up, I clean my face and I look over to Eli with a threatening expression.

“For the record, I’m not crying because of Josh”

“Yeah, I could tell because your speech had no shit to do with him”

“I just have a lot to deal with,” I take a deep breath before continuing, “I know I’m not a monster. I said I was an asshole. And if you tell them anything of what just happened I will-”

“No need to put a knife on my throat,” He interrupts me, “I won’t tell them.”

“How do I know you’re being honest?”

“Cause you just had a breakdown in front of me and I don’t want to see that again, that shit’s scary,” Eli stands up too, “whatever happened before the nuke, well, you said it, it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s all bullshit now.”

“But you said…”

“Yeah, whatever,” Eli starts to walk away, “go back to Josh, make sure he’s not swallowing his tongue or something.” 

I really want to keep the conversation going, but he’s right. I should go back to Josh. And thank fuck I did, cause I came back to a horror show. 

Crumble was sitting at the edge of the bed, watching a bowl filled with larvae as they were eating out of Josh’s hand.

“Am I going to come back to some freaky shit every time I leave you alone?” I ask in fear, pulling her away from the bed, “What is going on?”

“They’re eating the infection,” She replies happily, “you said we were gonna fix this, so I helped you fix it.”

I look at his hand and I can’t see the skin, but we saw something about it in class, I think, like a semester ago. I don’t know what to say except for…

“Thanks,” I sit on the chair I slept in last night, “I can’t believe we didn’t think of that.”

“It’s cause you can’t think with an empty stomach,” Crumble nods, “we can share my worms after they’re done if you want”

“I don’t eat people…” I scrunch up my nose in disgust, “or worms. Or infections. Thank you for the offer, though.”

“Okay,” she turns around and goes back to have a conversation with her dolls.

“It’s been a hard couple of days,” I mumble, looking at Josh and trying to feel okay with the gross sound of the larvae eating his flesh, “but somehow, I’m okay with it.”

I try to remember exactly how did Josh and I meet. The first time, I mean. When we did our school project.

“Y/N L/N and… Josh Wheeler” Crumble mentions, and I straighten up in my seat.

“Who the hell is Josh Wheeler?” I say under my breath.

“That’d be me,” The boy at my right says, turning his body towards me.

Ah, shit. That’s awkward.

“Oh, sorry,” I smile apologetically, “I hadn’t heard your name before.”

“That’s cause I’m new here,” He smiles, “it’s alright, don’t worry. Josh is a common name anyway, so plenty of people don’t remember how I look.”

“I’ll make sure I’m not one of them.”

“That’s very appreciated, Y/N. I can call you Y/N, right?” He asks.

“That’s my name after all,” I grin.

“Cool,” Josh nods, “so, about the project…”

“If you can do it this thursday, I’m free.”

“Me too. We can go at my place if you want, my mom won’t be home so we won’t bother anyone.”

“Uh,” I hesitate for a moment, “Not that I don’t love going over to strangers’ houses but…”

“Don’t worry, I won’t try anything funny,” Josh chuckles, probably knowing exactly what I’m thinking, “but if you feel uncomfortable we can just go to your place, or the library”

“No, it’s fine. We can go to your place,” the dude seems decent, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, “see you next thursday, at two outside school, then?”

“Sure,” He gives me a small smile before heading out of the classroom and we keep going with our lives.

——————————————

“We’re here!” Wesley pulls me back from my thoughts and I jump from my seat towards the entrance of the store.

“You got the stuff?”

“Oh, we got the stuff,” He shows me Angelica’s bag, packed with white bottles of pills. I squeal a little and give Wesley a tight hug, “look at that! Someone’s happy”

“I didn’t want to carry his ghost for the rest of my life, so yes. I’m relieved,” I grab the bottles but Angelica takes the bag from my hands, “hey!”

“I’m gonna make edible slime for him”

“Are you serious?”

“It won’t take long, besides he’s asleep now, right? And Crumble said she found a way to get rid of his gangrene, so he’ll be fine.”

And that’s when it hits me, Josh is going to be fine.

“Yeah… yes. Do the slime then, I’ll be with Josh.”

“You can rest if you want,” Wesley offers, “he’s out of danger.”

“I got used to being there, you know?” I shrug, “it won’t hurt to sleep one more night on the chair.”

It’s a lie, of course. It will hurt my neck and back, but I need to see the work completed, I need to see him with color on his face and laughing stupidly at his own jokes. 

——————————————

“You have a bad memory?” I ask Josh while pointing at the three post-it notes on the kitchen.

“Nah, that’s just my mom making sure I do what she needs me to do while she’s out,” He brushes it off, “just ignore them.”

“Okay,” I walk over to the living room and sit next to him, opening my backpack, “where should we start?”

“I think the second subtheme was the most extense. I was reading it during lunch and I feel like it will take us years to finish it, so maybe that?”

“You were reading about chemistry during our lunchbreak?” I giggle.

“Well I didn’t want to look like an asshole today, like, what if you had done research on your own and then came to my house to hear me say ‘oh, I don’t know what our work is about, I spent all night playing Outlast’ that would’ve sucked”

“I guess,” I reply, “let’s use all that knowledge then, before it fades.”

“I have plenty of knowledge,” He nods, keeping the joke alive, “I even googled the words I couldn’t understand.”

I laugh again and he joins in happily. He’s nice, I wonder if we’ll still talk after this.

——————————————

Spoiler alert, we didn’t. We finished the work, we got a ‘B’, we high-fived and said “hey, nice work” and we moved on. Cause that’s what you do when you’re seventeen and you’re paired up with someone you barely know. I had other stuff in my mind to be thinking “You know what could be fun? If I befriended that Josh guy I met in chemistry class”, I kept my promise, though. I never forgot his face, and he remembered my name and waved at me whenever he saw me in the halls. That was sweet.

When I wake up the next morning Josh��s aspect has improved. He’s not pale and isn’t sweating as much. The bowl with larvae is gone and it’s been replaced with the one with slime.

I rummage through my stuff and find a small package of cookies. I also pull out my notepad and cross them from my list. I’ll make sure to replace them before I leave. Halfway through my breakfast, Josh moves slightly and raises his hand, which is still reddish but now is a normal reddish and doesn’t smell like Ghoulie.

“Goodmorning, champ,” I smirk.

Josh looks at me and drops his head back on the pillows.

“I’m alive.”

“You are,” I eat the last cookie and drop the package, “eat up. Angelica made it for you.”

He turns his head towards the table and sees the slime, sitting up with more strength and animosity than the day before, he takes the bowl on his hands and tastes it carefully.

“Good?” I ask, he nods in approval.

“Cool,” I get up to leave, but he speaks up.

“Wait,” I turn around to look at him, “how long have you been there?”

“Oh,” I blush, not really wanting to answer the question, but I figure that if I don’t do it, someone else will, “the whole time, probably?”

“You stayed the whole night again?”

“I know you don’t like that-”

“No, thanks,” He replies with a soft, tired voice, “I was a dick the other day, thank you for looking after me.”

“I was making sure you were alright, that’s all”

“I know. I’m really sorry for treating you like that, you didn’t deserve it.”

“I’m glad we’re on the same page now,” I reply, “cause that means I can go without feeling guilty.”

“Oh. Right.” I think he looks disappointed for a second, but it goes away as soon as it comes, “You’re leaving…”

“I have to go restock so…” I don’t wait for a reply and I flee before he speaks to me again. 

Why? Oh, cause I hate confrontation and if I hear him I’ll probably want to stay. Turns out I kinda got attached to stupid Josh for spending a whole day watching over him and now is like that puppy you rescue from the rain, that you know you can’t keep but it has the cutest eyes you’ve seen and it’s just so cute? Yeah, I know you know what I’m talking about.

I’m on my way to retrieve the stuff I left on the store when I run into Josh. He’s out of the bed and is looking quite lively.

“Hey!” He grins, “I wanted to thank you.” 

“Dude, you already did that,” I roll my eyes smiling, “you need to stop before my ego flies through the roof. I’m telling you, you don’t wanna see-”

“You saved my life, Y/N. Along with the others, sure,” He adds, “but you went out of your way to stay and made sure the others got the medicines. You could’ve left me to die and you decided to stay and help.”

“Well, I needed my redemption. I didn’t do it just to be nice.”

“You kind of did,” He points out, “just like how you called me by my name whenever you got the chance at school, and how you offered me help to find Sam even though this was supposedly Triumph’s territory. You’re cool.”

“Thank you. You’re nice.”

“Don’t call me nice,” He shakes his head, “you say someone’s nice when you don’t have anything else to say”

“No. It depends on how the person says it. I say nice when there’s plenty to say,” I correct him, “but I can list all of it if you want,” I think about it for a moment before I start to enlist, “you’re sweet and caring, and resourceful. And you’re brave, cause instead of joining any tribe, you have been looking for a girl all on your own-”

“Okay, okay!” He stops me mid-sentence, “you win. Nice is good. I get it. Stop.”

Josh smiles openly at me and I catch myself thinking about how pretty his smile is.

NO. We are not going over the road again, Y/N. Don’t even think about it.

“Anyway, I wanted to thank you, so I got this for you” He pulls out a pair of bright, lime-green skates from his backpack, “I decided it was my turn to do something for you so I got you new skates.”

“Holy shit,” I whisper, trying to look cool about it, “any reason why you chose this color?”

“I don’t know, they felt like you,” Josh says simply, “if that makes any sense.”

“Thanks,” I mumble, and I know, I know I’m blushing.

Now more than ever I need to leave before this feeling grows into something more dangerous.

“You’re not even staying the night?”

“I told Angelica I would stay until you were better. How do you feel?”

“I feel…” He doubts for a moment, then continues, “I feel better.”

“Then my work here is done,” I smile, “take care, Wheeler.”

“I know it’s sappy to say it, but I will kinda miss you.”

“Shut up,” I roll my eyes, avoiding eye contact.

“Seriously, who will take care of our injuries when you’re gone? You should leave a notebook with instructions about what to do in case of stabbing, ghoulie bites, sunburns and stuff like that. You must have googled those too on your boring days, right?”

I laugh, nodding.

“I did,” I didn’t, but you know, fanfiction writers are dedicated as fuck to their research, “but maybe some other time? if we see each other again, I’ll make sure to have the notebook ready.”

“Deal,” Josh is beaming, not for me though, he just seems happy to be alive. 

My heart can’t take that sight so early in the morning, so I look away.

“Uh, Angelica told me they wanted to talk to you…” I mention.

“Oh,” The boy frowns, “okay.”

I follow him those few steps so I can say goodbye to Wesley and Angelica too, and luckily enough, both of them are sitting next to each other.

“Hey,” Josh raises his voice, “what flavor is this anyway? Antibiotic apple or, uh…” He chuckles, “triage truffle?”

Ah, there they are, the silly jokes. Fuck, I’ll miss that stupid sense of humor.

“They call it Josh-Cut-Off-His-Finger-Because-He-Sucks-Dick Berry,” Angelica answers softly.

“Rude,” I reply, then I realize she’s crying and my heart drops, “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“What’s going on?” Josh asks beside me, “Are you crying?”

“Come with us,” Is all she says before standing up and taking us outside the mall where they lead us towards a car.

Wesley opens the trunk and we stare at a corpse covered with a white sheet with bloodstains.

“We found her body on the way back.”

I look over to Angelica to find some kind of sign that this is all a bad joke, surely that can’t be…

“Show me,” Demands Josh, I hold my breath waiting for the worst.

Wesley pulls the sheet away and there’s no longer a face where it should be a face. It’s destroyed. The only thing that I recognized, is that yellow pin she used to wear all the time on her clothes.

“No…” I whisper.

“Sam,” Josh leans shakily against the trunk and carefully caresses the hair on her head, “oh, Sam…”

It’s more than I can take. I walk away from the car and turn my back to them, hands against my eyes so I don’t start crying for the second time that week.

This is not fair. It was supposed to be a happy ending. Josh, finding the girl and me finally free from any guilt. It wasn’t supposed to end with Sam Dean’s body at the back of a car. 

I wanna say that I’ll leave anyway. That I’m still packing my bags and walking out. But no. I’m staying cause I can’t leave Josh when they just took away from him the only thing that mattered the most. I know how that feels, and it sucks to have to live it alone. It hurt when Alex walked away after I had killed Katie. I’m not gonna do that to Josh, or anyone. I’m not scared. 

I’m staying.

Taglist.

@letsbloodmagic @hollywaterpls​

[jmeddows2]

Purple Thunder (Roger Taylor Series) - Part 9

(present/old) Roger Taylor series Notes: Here it is, the longest chapter of PP yet. I don’t want to give to much away, but there is going to be some relief for exactly two people after this one (yeah I’m talking about you reader and Roger lol). Roger is not making a big apperance, but he’ll always be there after this one! be prepared for a fluffy throwback and some cheesy musical contribution by Reader. I’m sorry, but this Taylor Swift song just fits perfectly and I’m obsessed with the album ‘Lover’. Songs from that album will definitely keep making appearances here and there. Anyway.. bare with me, english is not my first language, sorry for mistakes. The song lyrics used in this chapter are from the song “Death By A Thousand Cuts” - Taylor Swift. I recommend you listening to it once it pops up in the story. Feel free to drop me an ask, a message, send in your reaction, further requests etc. But most of all: THANK YOU FOR READING!!! :))) Words: 3.1k Warnings: cursing, cheating

Never would you have thought that a penthouse that light and happy, yet domestic could feel as sad and lonely as it did now.  This trip was supposed to lift all the weight from your shoulders, instead of pushing you down with even more sorrow.  After a few missed attempts to reach Roger through calling, the chandelier lights in the living room started flickering. Almost like a sign  Great. Where the hell was he? You started getting worried. Was he alright or did something happen? Was he on his way back home,or did he stay in a different room in the hotel? The thought that something bad could have happened,basically ate you alive, so you decided to text him. To: Roger 'Where have you gone?‘ 'I need to talk to you‘  How could he just leave like that? Without hearing you out first.?As the time went by you started making up different scenarios in  your head, thinking  this all was a all a joke to him, a distraction from his crumbling marriage. 'I’m worried. Please come back' you texted again. 

The only answer was a money transfer of 10.000£ to your bank account with the remark 'for travels if you decide to come back to London ‘ Seemed like it was goodbye now. But you didn‘t do anything wrong. And instead of spending the whole night thinking about what you could have done wrong this time,  you did what you could best, at least as it seemed.  Fuck shit up, so  'Doha Nightclub' on Long Island seemed just like the right place to get rid of the empty feeling deep inside and the especially big and empty penthouse.  The nightclub seemed to be in the middle of nowhere, but it was certainly easy to get there, given the fact that the penthouse of the Ritz provided you a very own Rolls Royce with a personal driver in tow, who would take you anywhere you wanted.  As you entered the dark place that lit up with purple strobe lights, the place was already packed. Girls that wore as little as they could, men with buttoned down shirts all over the dancefloor. It felt posh, nearly too posh for your liking. But now you were there. Would be a waste of gas to ask the driver to go to another place. This would do perfectly fine. Trying not to draw any attention to yourself , you chose a little table to sit at in the back where it was  dark, but the seat still visible enough for waitresses to notice once  your glass was empty. You were quite amused by the fact that it was a girl’s birthday party. They welcomed her into the club with two signs saying 'Happy Birthday‘. Right next to them was another blonde girl with curves in all the right places holding up a neon yellow sign saying '99% sure that vodka is my soulmate'. It made you chuckle, even with given circumstances. "What‘s your poison, honey?" A girl about your age asked you, holding a tray of shots in her hand.  "Anything right now. Any shot would do" you sighed. "Wait a minute“ the girl said taking a closer look at you. "Aren‘t you that singer that got engaged?"  "Do you see a ring on my finger?“ you held out your hands for her to inspect.  "Ouch“  "How much for the whole tray?“ "Girls are free tonight, honey“ she placed the tray on the table and took a seat on the empty chair. "I‘m Andrea, by the way“ she shook your hand.  5 shots in and you started conversing about god knows what.  "....and then I was too broke to stay in LA.. so, I had to come back. Guess there‘s too many pretty girls out there wanting to become an actress." she nearly cried telling stories about failing auditions trying to make in Los Angeles, how her boyfriend left her a week after she had flown out, trying to achieve a dream of hers. It made your heart sting. The cheating part. You were here trying go sulk like a victim, when you‘d been the one doing wrong all along. You didn‘t drop any names, just the context of the story. And she was understanding, even gave you her number in case you came back there again or just needed a friend to ramble on. She moved on to grab another tray and made her rounds. The night was restless. Almost like you expected the moments that were about to happen. You could feel it, boiling deep inside. It felt like a big bomb, that was about to go off and destroy everything. Everything that already had been in ruins. And as if someone heard your call from far away it reached its last strike.  A message from Roger. And your heart dropped.  'I don’t think this is a good idea anymore. I’m sorry.' You tried calling him again. This time he picked up.  "...Rog? Are you there?” you  breathed into the phone, unable to make out his voice in the club.. Impossible.so you went outside where it was quiet enough.  "Where are you? I miss you" you slurred into the phone, the alcohol speaking out of you.  "(Y/N) are you drunk?” he said and for a moment you thought he might be worried about.  "Come back to me Roger. Please” you begged him.  "I.. I can’t I’m sorry.. I don’t think this will work”  What you didn’t know was, that it took him hours to practice his little speech. To push all the feelings away that had kept building up inside him for over half a year now. First from keeping up with your work, until the last 3 months he actually got to spend with you in person. With his head in his hand, memories kept flashing back in his mind. The movie nights you had, cuddled up on the couch with a fuzzy warm blanket thrown over the two of you. If the movie was too boring, he would just start conversing about how bad it was or keep tickling and cuddling you to distract you from watching it. Or you’d just fall asleep. 3 months felt more like 3 years. And it was everything you ever craved.  The nights you spent at his house in Surrey kept replaying. When it was a mild night and not too cold, spending nearly all night long looking at the big statue of Freddie, which was in full display because of the big spotlight Roger had installed.  You’d usually sit on a thick and huge blanket on the grass or on chairs, feeling each other’s warmth, no talking, just being in the moment.  "Fred would have adored you“ Roger spoke up, which made you look up at him.  "Not as much as I adore him" you smiled at him, pressing a light kiss to his lips.  "What would he think about us now?" You asked, putting your head back on his chest and arms tightly around him.  "He‘d be happy for us” Roger whispered in your hair.  "Because I‘m happy. You make me happy." He kissed your temple. "Losing my best friend was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with." You squeezed him tighter to comfort him and it really did put him at more ease. His shoulders weren’t as tense when you started drawing patterns on his back.  "I couldn‘t even imagine how you must have felt. But I think losing you would come pretty close to that" you whispered back at him.  And now that was just about to happen. Your worst nightmare.  "I got to go now..." his voice was small and quiet. Almost quiet enough to hear your heart break. "I‘m sorry..." You felt dizzy, like your feet couldn‘t keep you up anymore. Just then you felt a pair of strong arms wrap around your waist.  "Hey baby. What are doing out here all alone.“ the stranger pulled you close to him, letting his hands roam all over your body. You felt disgusted.  "Stop..“ you tried to push him away. "Stop touching me“ you screamed louder.  "Y/N?“ A familiar voice. Dan.  "Dan?"  "Is that your fucking boyfriend baby?“ the disgusting stranger whispered in your ear before Dan pushed him away. Dan, your guitarist was your savior of the hour. You had last seen him storm out of the studio in London. You wrapped your arms around him, still trying to process everything that had happened in the last 30 minutes.  "Oh god, how much did you drink? You smell like a brewery“ he grimaced taking in the unpleasant scent.  "Hey, Y/N" he shook you lightly trying to get a few words out of you.  "Where are you staying? I‘ll take you there“  "The Ritz“  "Yeah sure“ he laughed. "You and the Ritz." He didn‘t believe you. Because the Ritz wasn‘t exactly what you would go for when touring with your band. Even though you could afford rooms there. Not the penthouse, but smaller ones.  "I‘m telling the truth Dan“  "Alright, alright“ he still didn’t quite believe it.  “I‘ll take you back to mine. You‘ll need loads of water and a hangover therapy tomorrow. This one‘s going to be massive“ You groaned as he picked you up and carried you to the cab. Then from the cab to his apartment. You didn‘t even know where you were, only that Dan was going to take care of you. He was always the dad of the group. Him and Joe, your bass player never stayed out late, never partied that much. Much to your advantage now. The next morning, you felt surprisingly not that bad. Which was like a miracle. Dan made sure you drank much water before going to sleep and as you got up from his couch to search for the kitchen, the table was already decorated with a large breakfast to help rise your low blood sugar levels. "Good morning Miss Vodka“ Dan looked up from his newspaper, a cup of coffee in his hand a grin plastered on his lips. Clearly because of your miserable state. "Haha“ trying your best to sound as sarcastic as possible.  "Good morning and thank you for bringing me here“ sincerely thanking him.  "Not a problem, you said something about staying at the Ritz" you downed one of the three ginger shots he prepared for you and put the glass down with a grimace. Damn those are disgusting.  "Yeah because I am“ Dan only looked at you, waiting for you to continue the story.  "Is Josh there? Oh, fuck right. I didn‘t congratulate you on the engagement. Fuck“ he blushed. You only shook your head lightly for him to stop, he knew you long enough to know you weren‘t mad at him about it.  "Do you have a pen and paper?" you asked tapping your fingers next the freshly toasted bread in front of you.  "Ah yeah sure“ he got up to grab it.  And came back with "Post its? Really?“ "Sorry it‘s the only thing I got. I just moved in here“ he threw his arms up in defeat.  You started scribbling. It felt like the words made their own way onto the paper.  "Are you like.. writing a song now?“ Dan looked over your shoulder as you placed yet another post it on top of the other 4 that were already full of ink. You only held a finger up, clearly a sign for him to shut up. A polite sign for him to shut up.  The lyrics where done in 15 minutes,with you throwing the pen on the table almost like a Mic drop.  "Done“ "You‘re crazy“ he stared at you with fascination from across the table.  "Can I see it?“  "Only of you agree to make a riff for it“  "Yeah... sure“ He agreed in a heartbeat.  And he grabbed the post its, reading out loud:  'Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts Flashbacks waking me up, I get drunk, but it‘s not enough. 'Cause the morning comes and you‘re not my baby.  I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up Chandelier still flickering here 'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not It's death by a thousand cuts I dress to kill my time I take the long way home I ask the traffic lights if it'll be alright They say, "I don't know" And what once was ours Is no one's now I see you everywhere, the only thing we share Is this small town You said it was a great love One for the ages But if the story's over, why am I still writing pages? My heart, my hips, my body, my love Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch Gave up on me like I was a bad drug Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club Our songs, our films, united, we stand Our country, guess it was a lawless land Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand Paper cut stings from my paper-thin plans My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts" By the time he finished reading it, you were sobbing. Having someone else read your material always made you feel vulnerable. But this time, the circumstances made the intensity almost unbearable.  "Do you want to talk about? You know we can discuss everything. We always did" he tried to help. "I.. I just want you to come back Dan. Please don‘t leave us hanging. I need you. There‘s no one else to talk to. We will talk this out with Sid. Please I want my best friend back.“  "Ok, let‘s do it“  While Dan kept fiddling around the guitar with 10 post its spread out in front of him, you decided to make a call, you feared since the minute Josh got down on one knee. Rufus.  "Yeah?“ A serious tone. No 'hello‘. No 'how are you‘.  "Hi Rufus“  "So... guess I’m not going to call you stepmom anytime soon?“ You were speechless.  "Was that all?“ He sounded rude, but he didn’t know any better in this moment.  "No“ you found your voice again.  "He didn‘t let me explain. I never said yes. I‘m not engaged, Rufus!!!!" "You‘re not??? He thought... you are and everyone said you... are you really not?" "No!! That‘s what I‘ve been trying to tell everybody! I‘m not engaged!!“ "Oh god. That man... I swear..“ he continued mumbling things that were inaudible "What do I do now?“  "umm he‘ll be at our concert... the day after tomorrow.. shepherd‘s bush..“  "I‘ll come there“ you enthusiastically announced.  "Good... maybeeeee you could get your ass up on stage for a special performance?“ he put on a silly voice, he always did this to make you laugh on tour. "Just like old times?" you could almost see the silly pout he would make, trying to give you puppy eyes.  "Ok, just like old times." You never doubted the abilities of anyone in your band and the riff that Dan created was proof enough. With the help of synthesizers, a piano part for the middle of the song was created, undoubtedly having a similar sound to the intro of 'Seven Seas of Rhye'. Intentionally of course. Bless technology you were able to send the sound samples to your other band members back in England. By midnight the track was finished. Ready to be released. And you did. At midnight the day you would meet Roger again. On your way back to England you transferred the 10.000 pounds Roger sent you, right back to him. And the headlines you‘d been avoiding started to make your phone explode.  The Sun: 'Y/N spotted drunk and alone in NYC after engagement‘ The Guardian: 'Did she say no to Josh? Here‘s why'  Daily Mail: 'New Purple Thunder song indicates Y/N had an affair all along‘ Daily Mirror: 'Y/N leaving Josh for married man?‘ You clicked through all of them. Inspected them. But thankfully no suspicion about who the song could actually be about. The day approached and it was an hour before showtime for The Darkness, but there was still no sign of Roger. You began imagining things, seeing him in the crowd as you peaked through the side stage curtains. But he wasn‘t there.  "He‘ll turn up“ Rufus stood behind you, his hand your shoulder. "My dad never lied to me. He sure won‘t start that bullshit now.“ That was Rufus, always trying to make a smile escape your lips.  The concert was almost over, when you joined them on stage for the last song and their most popular one. 'I Believe In A Thing Called Love‘. You owned the second verse and chorus and the crowd went crazy after recognizing you as special guest. It wasn‘t until  Rufus‘ drum solo that you recognized Roger looking at you in awe from the side of the stage.  Roger knew the picture in front of him just too well. Freddie always used to hype him up the way you did with Rufus. His heart swelled and he felt,it would jump out right  then and there. You bounced to the beat, head banging to the beat of the drums just like Rufus did, His messy blond hair sticking to his head. Rufus smiled at your reaction and hit the drums even harder.  Sadly, the song came to an end, but the adrenaline rush was there. Your heart was beating loudly, but seeing Roger smile proudly, clapping his hands... Boy.. you felt like having a  heart attack. He looked more handsome than ever. You bowed down with the whole band, but before you could make your way to Roger, Rufus gave you an encouraging pat on your shoulder. And as you got closer to where Roger was standing, his appearance became even more beautiful. His hair was messy, just the way you liked it. A bit ruffled. His black button-down shirt, with the top two buttons opened and blue eyes shining like the eyes of a little boy on Christmas morning. He still somehow had that boyish look and you adored it.  "Hi Rog-" He embraced you in a tight hug, the one‘d been craving since you returned to the empty penthouse.  "I‘m sorry. I didn‘t mean to make you feel that way. I should have listened. It‘s all my fault. I‘ve put everything upon you, when I shouldn‘t have. I thought you were playing me. But then again, I should have known that you would never do that. You would never do that...“ he buried his in your neck. "If I fucked it up and you never want to see me again, then I understand. But I wouldn‘t ever forgive myself for that.“  "I love you Roger“ he brought his head to your level again and there it was.  "I love you Y/N“ and your lips met. "Well that‘s new“ a surprised Justin (singer of The Darkness) caught your eye.  "Guys I’m happy for you “ he smiled was gone quickly after. "Let‘s get out of here“ Roger said quietly in a low voice, grabbed your hand and you snuck out through the back door, to his Kensington flat.  You knew you needed to talk about this whole situation again, but that could wait until tomorrow. Old scene, but a new picture. It was you and him on his massive crème couch, a movie on that was not worth watching. So youdozed off first, feeling Roger‘s arms wrapped around you, inhaling his scent. He kept playing with your hair, until he followed close behind. taglist: @oldfashionedlovergirlsblog @nicola2388

[ecofinisher]

Wedding in Japan - Chap. 5

Chapter 5

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18972931/chapters/45329572

https://www.wattpad.com/740570093-wedding-in-japan-chapter-5

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13295790/5/Wedding-in-Japan

Adrien and Kagami had boarded at the main station with the destination Krasnoyarks two hours ago. Both sat next to each other inside a second class cabin staring around the environment of their cabin, where other people sat reading a book, using their smartphone or just stare holes in the air just like the two.

Adrien sighed bored from sitting and took out his smartphone to see the hours and the phone showed two different times, the second one being one hour ahead from the first.

„If I had booked a non-stop flight I wouldn‘t be here wasting my time, “ Said Kagami feeling tensed.

„I don‘t even know, why I booked tickets for a connecting flight“ Adrien told the woman. „I can afford it….sure except Nino couldn‘t and we didn‘t want to fly separated from each other and this was the only available flight we both had“

„Now we have the trouble. We‘re traveling the greatest country in the world by train, we don‘t have any slight ideas from other airports we could go to find a plane to Japan and if we really have to go to Vladivostok at the end of the trip, then find out, there are no available flights I‘d go crazy“

„I think the chances for that are low. When short distance flights are meant to happen around five times per day. If we need to wait one or more days, it doesn‘t matter as long as we manage to get a flight“

„I‘m still not happy, that it‘s going to be this way, but it‘s better than nothing“

„Well we can still chat a bit during our ride, except I think we‘re not able to talk non-stop the whole ride long“

„You‘re right“ The blue-haired woman agreed. „But we could walk to the other cabins to stretch our legs and look around.“

„Yes right and I think it would be a nice idea to take a stroll to another cabin, maybe we could get there a coffee or something else to drink?“ Suggested the blonde getting up from his seat. „What do you say?“

„I‘m fine with that“ Kagami answered getting up from her seat to walk along with the blonde the corridor along, then at the end of the cabin Adrien pulled the door back and held his hand out, signing Kagami to pass first in which she did and Kagami opened the second door entering into the next wagon, followed by the Frenchman.

„Sorry, I only could hold the first door“ „It‘s alright you didn‘t need to,“ Kagami told the blonde walking the next train wagon to the other end. „Oh look here is the toilet“ The Japanese mentioned looking together with the blonde at the door with the word toilet on it.

„That‘s great, cause I really have to go, “ Adrien said making the blue-haired woman roll her eyes amused watching the young man enter the toilet and lock the door so that other travelers would know it is occupied.

A minute later Adrien left the toilet closing the door behind him afterward he looked around the corridor looking for Kagami, then he entered into the next wagon, which was for the needy people and Adrien could only a couple of seats, which had a bigger space between each other and a wider corridor. Adrien didn‘t recognize any of the passengers and closed the door thinking on, where Kagami could have gone.

„Kagami?“ Adrien called looking at the first floor of the wagon, where other passengers sat, but there was no sign of her.

„Cou Cou, “ A voice said, then Adrien looked behind and saw from the second level Kagami sliding the banister down and land on her feet holding towards the blonde two umbrellas to his back.

„There you are!“ Adrien said with a smile turning around to her. „What‘s with the umbrellas?“

„Here we gonna duel each other, “ The girl said tossing at him the green umbrella but keeping the black one.

„You want to fence with those umbrellas?“ Questioned the blonde earning a nod from his crush. „Great idea“

Kagami held her umbrella out to the friend as he mirrored her pose, then both started to smite on each other‘s umbrellas beginning their fencing duel. The two chattered with their umbrellas standing in the middle of the small room, where the exit doors of the train were. Kagami scored one point by hitting Adrien on his chest.

„Whoa“ Adrien replied by the stung on his body. „1-0“ Adrien mentioned looking at Kagami placing her umbrella over her shoulder while smiling at him. „Ready?“ Asked Adrien watching Kagami drop her umbrella down, pointing towards the blonde after that the two started to fight each other again and the two stung each other on their sides.

„Uhm this doesn‘t count?“ Asked Adrien followed by Kagami shaking her head. „Good….en garde!“ Adrien shouted attacking her with the umbrella, short while later Kagami was about to score, Adrien had opened the umbrella and Kagami only hit it on the open umbrella.

„Hey, that‘s cheating“

„Sorry, it was an accident, “ Adrien said seeing Kagami smirk, which could clearly see, that Adrien wasn‘t telling the truth. „I swear, “ Adrien said closing the umbrella and wrapping the lace around the umbrella and close the velcro fastener, then felt Kagami smack with her umbrella on Adrien‘s shrieking him as he wasn‘t prepared. „Hey!“ Adrien shouted afterward he swung his parasol at Kagami‘s legs, unluckily to Adrien she managed to dodge his attempted strike by jumping in the air and while she was up she used her umbrella to hit Adrien on the shoulder, but was quickly parried away from Adrien and landed on the ground.

„Not bad, huh?“ Adrien asked elated, making Kagami shook her head.

„ncncnc,“ The blue-haired woman murmured challenging the man again to fence, then she fought him back leaving him less space in the corridor, leaving him a smaller chance to move to the sides to avoid her being able to target him. „I would be careful, if I were you“ Kagami warned with a grin, then Adrien shook his head, confidently believing in himself he would get out of that situation.

„You probably forgot about my special Agreste mov…..“ Adrien said sliding his left foot backward, along with the right one, which missed the step on the stair and he fell down on his back on them sliding into the first floor. Kagami warped her face in shock as her friend had fallen down on his back and ran the stairs down, getting down on her knees to check him out.

„Are you alright?“ Asked Kagami as Adrien sat up on the floor with Kagami leaning him her hand to help him lean back towards the back of a seat.

„I think I‘m fine“ Responded Adrien passing his hand behind his neck patting it. „I‘m just a little braced on the back of my neck“ Adrien explained, then Kagami placed her hands behind Adrien‘s neck rubbing with her thumbs on it. „Uh, what are you doing?“ Questioned the blonde.

„I‘m doing a short massage on your neck to help you with your tension“ Kagami responded her friend. „Is it okay, if I do that?“ Questioned Kagami looking at the light-green eyes of the man.

„S...sure“ Responded Adrien and the Japanese squeezed with her fingers behind Adrien‘s neck on the sides concentrated on it, while Adrien observed her doing so. Kagami looked at Adrien‘s face as she massaged his neck, noticing his deep focus on her maroon eyes, making her smile a little and remove her hands from the blonde to lie them over her legs.

„How do you feel?“ Questioned Kagami the blonde, that passed his hands on his neck.

„I‘m actually feeling better“ Adrien responded. „You did a good job“ Complimented the blonde earning a smile from the girl.

„Thanks, “ She said getting a little embarrassed at his comment. Adrien smiled, as he noticed her shyness, then he stood up and held his hand out for her.

„Give me your hand, “ Adrien said and Kagami gave him her hand for him to help her up. „Are we going to drink a coffee or something?“ Questioned the blonde earning a quick nod from the Japanese woman afterward the two moved up the stairs heading to the door, that leads to the next wagon of the train.

Nino stood in front of the Shinjukan train station on the sidewalk looking on his smartphone for direction for the closest hotel.

„I‘m amazed, the WLAN here is much better, than in France and Morroco combined together“ The brown-haired man said at the speed the map had charged on his smartphone and showed on his display a long red line leading to a red bubble, showing the destination, where Nino had added on the smartphone to go.

„In 1000m you reach your destination“

„That‘s good, “ Nino said walking forwards on the sidewalk following the route of the GPS. On the way, Nino encountered a black and green colored electro scooter and widened his eyes as he recognized, what it was. „Hey, they have them too!“ Nino said jumping closer to the vehicle to check it out. Nino looked at the board and saw how cheap it was to take a ride on it, then he stood on the device and took out his smartphone and held the camera over the square-formed QR-code to unlock the scooter. From the pocket of his pants he took out his wallet opening it up, then he took out his driving license and scanned it with the phone to be able to unlock it. Therefore Nino looked at the smartphone explaining him, how to use the device after that he got on the board of it and placed his hands on the handlebars seeing on the one side a red key and on the other a green one, then Nino used his left foot to swung himself forward while pressing on the green one, which worked like a gas pedal and it drove rapidly forward setting Nino in surprise.

„Whoa Adrien needs to try this out too, “ Nino said then broke on the red button to slow down, driving less hasty on the sidewalk. Nino observed the houses he passed by seeing if he would find the hotel he had introduced in the app.

„In 100 meters you reach your destination“ The smartphone dictated to the Morrocan, who kept looking at the buildings then he discovered a dark colored house with the slogan of the hotel lightened in beige and the stairs to the entrance of the building were colored with small stripes next to each other in various tones.

„There it is, “ Nino said stopping the scooter there and locking it up, by disconnecting his phone from the site. Nino walked up at the entrance looking up at the name of the building, then heard his smartphone announcing him, that they had arrived. Nino entered the building, passing by a hall with a space for guests to go to the computer and right next to it was the reception, where Nino then walked up, where he saw a young Japanese man standing and cleaning the desk of him.

„Good evening, is it possible to check in for tonight?“ Questioned the dark-skinned boy earning a nod from the receptionist.

„Sure“ Responded the receptionist sitting down on his chair and look up in his computer for a free room for Nino. „Have got any baggage?“

„I have, but I left it at the train station inside a safe“ Responded Nino. „I wasn‘t sure if capsule hotels would have enough space for them“

„Did you brought more than one?“ Questioned the man curious.

„Actually one, but my friend with who I was traveling with had before he could arrive at the airport trouble and missed the plane and I‘m keeping them until he arrives“

„Alright in the lockers they‘re safe too, but if you‘re coming to check in here or somewhere else again, you could have brought them“

„That‘s great to know, “ Nino said, then the man held out a tablet for the guy and showed Nino a line, where he needed to sign.

„Here is, where you have to sign, “ The man told Nino handing him a stylon for the smart touch device and Nino took it to sign, then gave it back to the man. „Now I only need 3500 yen and I‘ll hand you the key and our starter pack, “ The man said to Nino, who nodded and took out his credit card to insert it inside the credit card reader, then inserted his PIN in it and waited for the process to finish. Nino removed his card as the device had successfully transferred the sum to the hotel and Nino received from the receptionist the confirmation of his payment, together with the key for a safe, a keycard and a starter pack, that contained a pajama, bathing towels and a toothbrush in it.

„Thanks“ Nino said and walked at the corridor, from where he came before and went the stairs up to the first floor and checked on the sign next to a corridor, where he could see a room with lockers and a shelf to put the shoes in it and on the end of the corridor were other signs, showing where the capsules were, the showers and restrooms of that floor. Nino checked on the first sign, if his room was in this level and smiled as he was correct, then took out his smartphone and wrote his friend Adrien a message.

„Hey dude, we were able to leave Russian two hours later. Right now at the moment is 02:25 here in Japan. Your and Kagami‘s suitcases are stored inside a safe at the Shinjuku train station. Shall I keep them until you two arrive or does Kagami want me to bring her to her parents? Hugs Nino.“ Nino sent the message to his friend, then as he was about to put his phone back in his trousers he saw a young tan-skinned woman with brown wavy hair pass beside him on her phone walking beside him and look at the same sign Nino glanced before to check, where she was. Nino wide his eyes as he recognized the woman, that stood in front of him telephoning. Nino knew her from his class, it was Alya Césaire and she had after school started a studium, so she could follow her dream in the journalism career. Nino watched Alya walk stairs up to the next floor and disappearing.

„So this is how Adrien felt as he saw Kagami for the first time, “ Nino said sighing in love, then felt his phone vibrate on his hand, then he checked out the message, which was from Adrien.

„I tell it to you later, we‘re running to another railway to catch our train“

„Man, I hope he doesn‘t have any more bad luck“ Nino said entering the room to remove his shoes and place them in the inside of the shelf, afterward he opened a locker with his number to place his starter pack in there and got down on his knees to open his backpack to take out his charger and placed his bag inside the safe, locking it up and entered into the next room heading to the room, where the capsules were, where he would spend the night.

[s-j-rayne]

The Windowless Tower, Pt. 3

It had all happened so fast, Alice was not even sure she remembered every detail correctly. The lights had turned off the second the door behind them had locked her mom, Jason, the policemen and herself inside. However, Jason had managed to secretly give some of his power back to the current, and managed to at least turn on the emergency lights; they through dim blue shadows on the walls and floors, and made the slightly frightened faces look even paler. While one of the cops tried kicking the door in by mere force, the other looked for another way out; he was gone for twenty minutes already, roaming the floors above them with his little flashlight. They had looked for Keith's corpse, but it was no where to be found; all that was left was the stench of grilled human flesh, and the horrific memory that had burned itself into Alice’s mind. Her grandmother, Sister Josie, was also gone, and Alice was not sure it was wise to call out her name in front of Helena - it had taken years of therapy for her to get over her mothers early parting - and she did not want to open up old wounds by telling Helena that her mother was still here, looking young as ever. Alice’s mother had asked more questions, but soon must have realized that Alice did not feel like talking. She stood close to the door now, talking to the policeman who still tried to break the door, sometimes glancing over to Alice and Jason, who stood at the reception, in silence. Alice kept looking at Jason, trying to take him in completely; she had not have time to properly look at him. He was younger than she had thought at first, maybe eighteen or nineteen, not much older than herself, although his three-day beard made him look mid-twenties. He had long, dark lashes, and dark hair that fell into his forehead. His eyebrows were pulled in in the middle, making his whole face look sad and anxious, and he had nervously bitten his lip to the point of bleeding. He had only stopped when Alice took his hand again, and he had smiled at her mildly, thankfulness in his blue eyes. They were normal again now, now silver streaks or lightings, and fixed on her with a look that Alice had never seen anyone use on her. “Are you alright?“ she whispered to avoid unnecessary attention. He raised his head slightly, trying to look less messed up than he was. It was weird; she felt as if she knew exactly that he was not alright, feeling his guilt over killing his colleague, his angst over his own powers, his confusion and irritation about this whole situation. When he answered, his voice was hoarse and raspy. “How could I be? I killed my friend, I killed him, and Sister Josie covered it up. I should tell them what really happened, but they would never believe me and…. I just wanna know what’s going on.“ Tears filled up in his eyes, and he tried to keep his voice down as much as he could in his state. Again, Alice took his hand; it was soft, but rough, and she felt a little scar on the back of it. He squeezed it, and it was as if he relaxed immediately, his anxiety level decreased and his tears stopped running down his cheeks. Jason took a deep breath, and thanked her again. “Why?“ she said, and to give him more content she quickly added:“Why d’you keep thanking me?“ He shook his head slowly, an unconscious movement while he thought of the right words. “You seem to calm me down.“ He shrugged, unsure. “Every time I’m upset you take my hand, and I feel less frightened, less sad, more confident and strong. Maybe that’s your gift,“ he added, “you calm people down the way I fry them with electricity.“ She pulled her hand away and took a step back, shocked at his harsh words, but he gently grabbed her wrist and pulled her back towards him. “Sorry, that wasn’t okay. I make jokes when I’m scared, I didn’t mean to be so inappropriate.“ They were still whispering, but her mother must have seen the way he held her hand, because she kept eyeing them more suspiciously now. Alice did not answer, but she felt his sincerity, and gave him a little smile. He grinned back at her, half apologetically, half relieved. When she was just about to ask him whether he actually thought they were gifted with something, a painful and crashingly loud cry went through the tower, echoing through the five floors and making everyone turn around in horror. The police man who had tried to break open the door drew his gun now, and used his walkie talkie to contact his colleague, but all that came as an answer was a rustling sound, like leaves in a strong wind.. “I’ll check it out,“ he said, overly confident, but Alice felt how frightened he was. It was weird, she thought to herself, how much she could tell now how the people around her felt. She tried to enhance it, to take in more feelings in the room, when suddenly a wave of something unusual hit her - a feeling so intense, it seemed to crush her. She let out a cry and held her hands over her ears. Everything turned black, then, and she heard herself yell for her mother. The next thing she knew was that a voice appeared in her head. “Breathe, Alice. Try to get up,“ the voice said, and Alice recognized it as her grandmother’s. She breathed now, the way she had seen Jason do before, forcing her mind and body to calm down. Finally, she got up, the wave of pain she had felt locked away somewhere in her soul. When she opened her eyes, Sister Josie was standing at the far end of the west corridor; Helena stood close to her, tears in her eyes, but she was not scared. Neither was Jason. He just looked at Josephine as if he had known her forever. And the thought hit Alice, that maybe Jason had actually known her that long. “You need to get out of here,“ her grandmother said calmly. “This institution is closed for a reason, and the longer you stay, the lower your chances are of staying alive. Follow me; there is a cellar, and it leads into the garden. You will be able to escape there.“ Jason and Helena immediately followed after nurse Josephine, but Alice was unsure. She did not move, and after a few seconds the others noticed. “What’s really going on here?“ she asked, without giving anyone else the chance to speak. “If you don’t tell me now, I’ll refuse to come with you!“ A glimmer of what seemed like anger flashed over Sister Josie’s eyes, but it was gone so quickly that Alice thought she might have imagined it. “You are right, Alice,“ her grandmother said, waving her arms reluctantly. “You all deserve to know the truth. The truth of this building, the truth of me. The first thing you should know is that I am immortal.“ She looked at Helena now, with sweet eyes. “And I was one of the Odds who opened this Nursery." And so Sister Josie told them the story of the Saint Adolfo Nursery for Odd Children, from it’s first opening, to the first incident, and from the reopening to today, and her voice seemed so calm and steady that it was as if all three of them fell into a trance, forgetting everything around them and everything that had happened, and they relived what had happened in this very building, years and years and years ago.

Alice’s fists were still clenched when Sister Josie finished her story. She tried to process every information she heard, waging whether it made sense or not. She did not trust Sister Josie, but she could not say why, yet. A noise from one of the floors above made Alice jerk her head up, but she could not see anything. Just when she wanted to go and see if anyone was still there, Helena’s shy voice interrupted her thoughts. “So that‘s what happened?“ Alice‘s mum asked carefully. It seemed as though the shock of seeing her own mother alive and young had gone by quicker than expected, and she was now a young girl again, trying to understand why her mother had left. But Alice was still unsure; and she did not want her mother to go with Sister Josie, not to the cellar, not anywhere. “I don‘t believe your story,“ Alice said now, ignoring Jason‘s surprised face. He clearly believed every word that came out of Sister Josie‘s mouth - even the part about the demon child, Peter, who burned down the whole nursery in 1883, even the part about said child reappearing after the nursery had reopened, and the part about that child being now locked up in one of the rooms on floor five. “Why would you have stayed if that was the case?“ she confronted her grandmother. ”You could have left him here and come back to your daughter.” Sister Josie smiled now, a mild, understanding smile. “I‘m a nurse, Alice, and Peter was one of the children I was responsible for. I survived the fire, because I am immortal... and so is he. When the nursery reopened, he came out of his hiding spot and joined us again. I thought I could help him with his struggles, teach him how to control his powers, but he grew too strong to quickly, and the hellish power took over once more. I saw it coming, this time, and so I built a special room in which he should live without ever harming anyone again. And he still lives there, but he draws power from us, from everyone who is gifted. It is his nutrition, and soon he will be strong enough to break through the seal, and when he does, all hell will break loose.“ Alice took several seconds to go over her grandmother’s words. ”So all these years you gave him enough energy to survive, but not enough to gain his full power?” Alice’s concern grew even stronger now, and she concentrated even harder on her ability. ”Yes, Alice. And you have brought not only yourself, but two other gifted in here. Come with me, please, so that I might save you, and get you out of here before it is too late.” She felt it now; Alice had tried to get more time, to focus merely on Sister Josie’s emotions, to feel what the woman in the nurses dress felt. She felt it now. Behind a wall of pretentious care and false fear for Alice, Jason and Helena, there was mischief, chaos, and rage. Sister Josie did not want to help them; she wanted to hurt them. But the nurse saw the knowledge dawning in Alice’s eyes, and before Alice could warn her mother or Jason, the outline of her grandmother shifted, and transformed into the black shadow of a boy, with hellish red eyes.

[gtsvnbys]

thin walls

neighbor au! where you live next to jaebum and jinyoung and a hole in the wall is all it takes for jaebum to actually get to know you 

so you just moved into a new apartment building

you're new to the area, but the building is kinda old

your apartment is clean and very simple and homey

if you turn up your stereo to the max level, then everyone on the floor can hear it

but everyone on your floor is very nice, there's a cute old couple, two college students, a single mom and her daughter, and a pair of guys living next door to you at the end of the hall

you've formally met jinyoung when he introduced himself to you when you moved in

but you've never met his roommate jaebum except for one time making eye contact with him when leaving your apartment

the elevator dinged open and revealed a group of guys all arguing with bags of food in their hands

you definitely recognized jinyoung walking with them as he waved at you while they all went to the door next to yours

and then you made eye contact with your neighbor, his roommate

he had a v tall build, looking v straight and proper as he went in last, making sure none of them dropped anything in the elevator

he was simply dressed in an oversized hoodie and loose-fitting pants but in all his natural beauty, he looked so handsome

when he caught your eyes, a surge of electricity ran through you

your initial reaction was to turn your head away, open your door and slam it shut behind you

and so you did just that

the minute it shut, you realized that you were meant to be going out to dinner to meet your friends jisoo and irene

so that meant you had to go back out

but thankfully the thin walls meant you could hear all of them enter jinyoung and jaebum's apartment and shut the door

a couple weeks pass and you still don't really know jaebum all too well

so you try to wait and wait and linger by the mailboxes in the lobby to try and catch the handsome man, but he still doesn't show up half the time

when you're about to approach the elevator and he's inside, the doors suddenly close and you're left waiting for it to come again

other times, you wave at jaebum when you're about to enter your apartment and you can see him make eye contact with you!! 

but he doesn't respond with anything except a tight-lipped smile and a small wave back

jinyoung talks to you in passing and in the elevator, and so you get to know him pretty well

you even get to know of their friends who visit them basically everyday

jackson always is prepared to fight anyone for you 

mark usually keeps to himself

bambam and yugyeom are always making inside jokes or dabbing and babbling on about whatever

and youngjae is usually found singing to whatever you have on the radio

and yet you know v little about jaebum 

so they tell you stories of jaebum and jinyoung from university days (which explains the JJP sign on their door) and their random adventures (aka it becomes 'embarrass jaebum' time without him even knowing bc he's gone when you're over or he's in his room)

and so you find yourself liking what you hear about jaebum

and bc you're SO obvious, everyone can tell that you kinda like him

and when they tell jaebum about it, he just brushes it off and says it's probably not anything

and it's bc jaebum doesn't want to raise his hopes

bc jaebum has a small crush on you and refuses to do anything about it

he gets super flustered and freezes up when he notices you, and he knows that if he opens his mouth, he's gonna spit gibberish at you

so he just avoids talking to you in general

which is a stupid move in everyone's opinion

bc he's gonna have to talk to you eventually

I mean, you are his neighbor and crush and everything

one night, you're back in your apartment after a long day at work and you can hear everyone in jinyoung and jaebum's apartment

they're playing a game or watching some type of fight when the walls shake for a moment

a book falls off your bookshelf with a slam as you hear a string of curse words come from the side wall that was surprising clear 

you cross your kitchen to pick up the book when you see specks of drywall and dust accumulate on the ground right before your very eyes

"JAEBUM!! YOU MADE A HOLE IN THE WALL!!" 

you stand back up abruptly, your eyes meeting jaebum's in a place where wasn't supposed to be a hole at all

meaning your neighbor broke through your wall

meaning there was literal HOLE the diameter of a fist in your wall

thankfully, nothing fragile or made from glass was next to the lonely hole in your wall

just some books from falling from your bookcase and a photo frame nailed up on the wall became slightly askew

that's how jaebum started his very first conversation with you, "uh… hi (y/n)—sorry—the hole in the wall, I didn't mean to! the game, we were—"

“you did this?” you're just so surprised and jaebum immediately thinks you're super super mad at him

but you’re just super super surprised this hasn’t happened any earlier?? if that makes sense??

bambam and yugyeom start apologizing since it was their fault that jaebum accidentally punched the wall but you don’t really care, “are you okay, jaebum? is your hand okay?” 

and everyone is staring at you staring at jaebum, whose eyes are wide and he’s confusedly pointing at himself, like ��huh? are you talking to me’

and jinyoung and mark are smirking while yugs and bambam are snickering to themselves, “yeah (y/n), I-I’m fine”

you and jaebum go downstairs to report the accident to your building manager and he agrees to take care of it asap

meaning it's gonna take a couple weeks to get it patched up

and with jaebum more relaxed around you, you're over at JJP's apartment a lot more often

he gets a lot less flustered, but he masks it well when you're around

bc he literally just punched a hole in the wall, how much more embarrassing can he get

and when jinyoung tries to kick you out, you just reason that his roommate made a hole in your wall and he immediately shuts up and glares at you (ah, that signature park jinyoung glare)

and so of course you and jaebum are a lot more closer than before

when you hear him working on his music, you ask if you can hang out and watch him 

and he lets you and wow, you’re falling deeper in love with this man

diD I SAY LOVE, OOPS

when you cook too much food for dinner, you invite jaebum over to help finish it

which usually also ends in watching a movie or just staying up talking

when jinyoung and the rest of the guys wonder where he is, they just check the hole in the wall and would you look at that? it’s you and jaebum asleep on your couch together

cue all the blackmail photos being sent in the got7 group chat

you also use the hole in the wall as a means of handing things back to them

you borrow a blanket from them and you're too lazy to walk?

you shove the blanket through the hole in the wall and whabam! easily done

you need something sweet for your coffee?

you call for jaebum and he graces you with his presence and the sugar 

you accidentally take jaebum's hoodie after he put it on you when you visited over?

nope, you're definitely keeping that;)

you're reading a book in your apartment when you hear two ppl enter the JJP apartment

"hyung, ask her out! today’s your chance!" jackson's voice was loud and clear as day, you didn't even need jaebum's hole in the wall to hear it

you can hear jaebum immediately shoot down the idea

"why nottttt?" Jackson's voice whined out the last word, "I can tell she likes you!"

you’re wondering who the girl in question is so you silently move a bit closer to the hole in the wall

you heard a loud scoff from jaebum as jackson let out a shocked groan of disbelief, "what?? you don't see it? (y/n) smiles so hard when she's around you and I always see her looking at you or waiting around the lobby for you when you're supposed to come back from work! mark saw her yesterday at the mailboxes for nearly an hour because you usually go around 5 to get the mail"

“am I that obvious?” you asked yourself, trying to remember if you saw mark see you the other day. you immediate slapped your hand over your mouth once you realized you said it out loud

they apparently didn’t hear you as jackson continued talking, “hyung, I know you've been making googly eyes at her since she moved in! now is your chance to actually out her out! and you know she’s going to say yes, so what’s the harm?”

there was pure silence till you heard jaebum speak again, “I‘m busy tonight”

"so you are asking her out tonight! is that what these flowers are for?" you heard the crinkle of plastic and peeked around the hole in the wall, seeing jackson hold up a small bouquet of flowers as jaebum had his back to you, "these are for (y/n), aren't they?" 

"I have something to do tonight, will you leave so I can get ready?" 

"so are you gonna ask out (y/n) or what?" you can hear jaebum hum something incoherent in response and then jackson leave the apartment with a 'okayyyyyy, bye hyung! good luck asking (y/n) out!'

after a beat of silence, you heard jaebum speak up again, "I know you're listening, (y/n)" 

"I didn't mean to eavesdrop," you immediately defend yourself, moving closer to the hole in the wall, "and it's not my fault jackson talks so loud…"

he raises an eyebrow at you and you pout, "so im jaebum, are you busy tonight?" 

you point at the flowers and he hides them behind his back, "well, it all depends if you are…"

"what are you—"

you can see the tips of his ears turn red as he presents the flowers through the hole in the wall to you

"are you asking me out through this hole in the wall?" you smile at him with disbelief

"depends, are you saying yes through this hole in the wall?"

[kenzieam]

Lost Girl - Chapter 7 (Eric and Fox)

Rating: M (swearing, violence, smut, blah blah)

Genre: Drama/Angst

******TRIGGER WARNINGS - mention of TORTURE, ABUSE AND RAPE********

Thanks everyone for the re-blogs and support!!! IT IS SO AWESOME!!!

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A huge thank you to my beta and Jai-sister @iammarylastar ! Quelle equipe!

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What happens if Fox disappears, and is returned to Eric two years later, but is not the same woman he loves???

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Eric crossed the Pit, rubbing absently at the bullet scar on his arm, although healed with serum, it still stung like a bitch sometimes. In the weeks since Reo’s violent death he’d only watched Fox from afar, still too emotional and enraged to risk being close to her. He didn’t trust himself yet. He was still far too messed up by Reo’s disgusting words to control himself, his need to comfort Fox was still too strong and he was afraid it would overwhelm her.

Reaching his destination, Eric stormed into the bar and nodded at the bartender for his usual whiskey. Dropping onto the stool he sighed, resting his forehead on the heel of his hand and closed his eyes. The glass of liquor slid towards him and hit his elbow, Eric took a sip without lifting his head. The events of just over a week ago still tore through his mind, slashing and burning in their wake.

Eric picked at his chicken breast, wondering why in the hell he’d decided to eat dinner in the mess hall anyway. He could see Fox a few tables away with her friends, the women she’d been sharing an apartment with for now, until she was more settled. Her eyes flicked up to his and Eric dropped his gaze, concentrated instead on his plate. He’d been seriously messed up since Reo’s death, not out of any misguided guilt or shame for killing the fuck, but out of continued horror. Even if the ugliness Reo had spewed had only been half-true, Fox had suffered untold agonies during her imprisonment. Eric found it almost impossible to sleep, he would have to go to the training area and kick the ever-loving shit out of a heavy bag, beat it until his knuckles were bloody and he was staggering from exhaustion before his thoughts were quiet enough for him to collapse in bed, close his eyes for a few hours before fresh nightmares of Fox screaming and thrashing, held down by sneering factionless men tore him from sleep again, tears streaking down his cheeks, soaking into the pillow.

He would sit at his desk, the door to his office closed and locked, and lose hours as his mind raced, turning Reo’s words over and over in his head, cutting him afresh with each repeat of the bastard’s descriptions of what he had done to Eric’s woman, how he had made her scream, how he had abused her. Eric’s heart ached, his soul grieved for Fox’s pain and the worst part was that he knew himself well enough to know that he wouldn’t be any help to her right now, not like this. He was too fucked up to not infect her with some of it, he needed to clear his own mind first, heal his own thoughts and purge the poison Reo had left behind before he was safe to be around her.

A tray was set down across from him, and Eric looked up in confusion to see Fox sliding onto the bench across from him. Fox offered a tentative smile, but Eric’s answering grimace made her falter. For the first time in his life, Eric wished Fox would leave him alone right now, he wasn’t in the right state of mind, nothing good would come from this. Fox was still too fragile, HE was too fragile.

“Eric, I-”

“Fox, I can’t right now.” Eric’s words came out in a rush, and he closed his eyes as a sharp pain shot through his chest. He never wanted to say those words to Fox, ever.

“I-”

“I said I can’t!” Eric leapt to his feet, his tray clattering and the conversations in the mess hall ground to a halt, all eyes swivelling towards him and Fox. “I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s me…. I need time.” He murmured, horrified at himself.

Eric spared the masses barely a glance, but his eyes fell on Fox and his heart squeezed at the expression on her beautiful face. He couldn’t find any more words right now to reassure her, was far too close to screaming and smashing his fists into something to speak, so he scrambled away instead, letting the rejection, the sadness, the sorrow in Fox’s eyes tear the rest of the way through his soul. His feet carried him away, to the training room, where he didn’t stop hitting the heavy bag and screaming in a torrid mix of rage and despair until he broke his left hand. The next day had been spent in discomfort and pain as he’d endured a round of healing serum.

He’d not seen Fox since.

After a few minutes he became aware of someone standing beside him. Slowly he lifted his head, a rush of emotions flooding him as he saw Fox leaning against the counter just a few feet away, watching him tentatively.

“Fox, are you okay baby?” He cringed internally. Calling Fox ‘baby’ was as natural to him as breathing, but no longer appropriate. His limbs were on fire, begging to pull her to him, crush her to his chest; but he couldn’t, not yet, for all he knew, she was standing here right now just to tell him to fuck off.

Fox looked hesitant for a moment. “Can we talk somewhere? You didn’t want to before but…. I have all these questions, and everyone says you knew me best. If you don‘t want to, I understand- ”

Eric exhaled, his heart racing; although he’d been waiting for weeks to hear her say this, he’d not been ready for it until now and he regretted more than he could ever say yelling at her like he had in the mess hall. He forced himself to stay calm, Max’s warning to avoid upsetting her still ringing in his mind. “Oh course ba - Fox…. do you want to go for a walk or something?”

“Can we go to the roof?” Fox asked hesitantly.

Eric’s heart soared, whether or not Fox remembered yet, the roof had been her and Eric’s special place. They’d gone there often, to sit and talk, snuggled together under the stars. They’d made love out there too many times to count, holding each other close as they’d strained together, moaning and murmuring into each other’s necks, skin gleaming under the moonlight.

“Eric?” Fox asked quietly, frowning slightly.

Eric shook his head to clear it, favoured her with an embarrassed smile. “Sorry… yeah. You want to go now?”

Fox nodded, the small smile on her face lightening Eric’s heart.

Eric stood and, finding himself close enough to catch a hint of Fox’s intoxicating scent froze, almost overwhelmed with the sudden desire to pull her to him and bury his head into her hair. He glanced up at Fox and, judging by the expression on her face, his thoughts had been transparent. He tensed, waiting for her to start to panic, pull away and leave; certain that the level of longing on his face, over two years worth of emotions, would scare her off, but no, Fox was Dauntless to the core.  

Instead of running, Fox cleared her throat and, taking a step backwards, gestured for Eric to lead the way.

Eric started walking, slowing his pace until Fox moved in step with him. He braved a quick glance at her, but Fox was looking forwards, her forehead furrowed. When they reached the roof, Eric held the door open for her and closed it gently behind her. He watched as Fox slowly walked out to the edge and leaned against the half-wall. Eric moved to stand near her, not nearly as close as he wanted and leaned onto his forearms.

“I’m sorry about last week -” Eric began.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” Fox replied quickly, cheeks reddening again. Eric nodded, waited for Fox to speak again.

“I‘m remembering more all the time,” Fox said quietly after a few minutes. “Being out of that room helped.” She glanced at Eric but looked away quickly when Eric met her gaze. “I remember growing up in Amity now, and choosing Dauntless. Things are still kind of hazy after that, but if I don’t think about it, if I don’t try to remember, then flashes will hit me as I’m walking around.” She rubbed absently at her arm. There was a lighter ring of skin where the tracker wristband had been. She’d had to wear it since her release from her cell, it had kept her contained in the compound, alerted the control room to her location, alarmed if she got too close to any of the exits. “They just took that tracker off me this morning.”

“Do you remember me?” Eric asked gently. Instantly he scolded himself, he was supposed to be answering her questions, not asking his own. He couldn’t help but gaze over at her, looking for similarities to the Fox he’d known and loved. Fox was still skinnier than she’d been before, skinnier and less muscular than Eric liked, but she was no longer skeletal like when she’d first been found. Rather than just a dark brush, her hair was long enough now for traces of red to show again. Her scars had faded, but were still visible, and, rather than detracting from her looks, enhanced them, made her a warrior princess. She stood straighter, more confident than when she’d first been rescued, although she was still a long ways from the awesome sight Fox had been, striding self-assuredly down the Dauntless corridors, looking like she was able to kick the ass of anyone that challenged her, and being physically and mentally able to back that up. Fox would often get lost in her thoughts now, staring blankly as her mind worked to unravel the knots of memories, some real, some planted that tangled in her brain.

Fox blushed, concentrating on the buildings beyond the roof. “That’s what I wanted to ask you about….. everything is confusing and tangled up. I remember feeling attached to….. someone, I mean, I know I wasn’t alone here in Dauntless. I dream a lot…. I remember flashes, I have bits of memories of a man, but…. I can’t recall much about him, what he looked like, I just remember some of his tattoos….. but I always felt safe with him. I was never scared or in pain around him, not like… Reo.” She sighed heavily.

Eric didn’t trust his voice to speak and only managed to clear his throat, blinking back unexpected tears, turning his face away. Max had threatened mayhem if Eric upset Fox too much, and the Dauntless leader viewed Fox as a daughter, would make good on his threat if Eric disturbed her too much, but that wasn’t what held Eric back, it was instead a total aversion to causing Fox more pain, she’d had enough already. He knew she wanted the truth, she deserved the truth, but was she ready for the truth yet?

Fox shivered, rubbing at her arms. “Dammit,” she muttered. “I should have brought a warmer coat.”

“Here,” Eric said immediately, pushing away from the half-wall and pulling off his jacket, leaving him in a short-sleeve t-shirt. Moving to Fox’s side he slipped the jacket gently over her shoulders, rubbing her upper arms a few times before pulling himself reluctantly away.

“Thanks,” Fox murmured, glancing shyly at him. Her eyes slowly slid across his face and down his throat, lingering over his leadership tattoos.

Eric watched her gaze at him, his heart aching to reach out and touch her.  

Fox’s eyes dropped lower, roaming across his powerful chest, wandering to his shoulders and down his arms. Suddenly she gasped sharply and, stepping closer, reached out timidly for Eric’s hand. Holding his breath Eric held his hand out to her and his skin started to tingle when she touched him. One hand trailed up his wrist to his forearm while the other hand stayed in his, her skin soft and warm.

“You’ve always had your arms covered before…..” she murmured. Her fingers began to trace the maze pattern and Eric closed his eyes, forehead creasing, biting back a moan. He forced himself to stand still and accept this, all of this; he needed to move on, past the pain of what had happened to Fox, he needed to forgive himself for not being able to spare her that agony, he needed to look to the future with her, right here, right now.

“I remember these….. in my dreams, these tattoos… I love this man, he makes me feel safe…. it’s you, isn’t it?” Fox looked up at Eric, eyes wide, tears glinting in her kaleidoscopic gaze.

Eric’s heart threatened to break, his muscles were straining, longing to gather Fox to his chest. With a hiss of frustration he pulled roughly away, slamming his fists into the half-wall then dropped his head into his hands. His voice broke as he whispered, “yes, it’s me…… And I love you, so much baby.”

Fox moved back to his side, breathing hard, her fingers tightening on Eric’s forearm. “Eric-” she murmured softly, then reached up, curling her fingers on the back of Eric’s neck and pulling him towards her. Their lips connected and Eric jolted as his body screamed in shock and delight. Fox gasped, pulling away from Eric, her eyes huge and awestruck. “He said it could return all at once, in a rush…. if something triggered me… I remember.” Her fingers stroked along Eric’s leadership marks again and she looked up into his stormy grey eyes. Recognition, relief and love shone in them. “Eric…  I remember you…. you were my whole life. I… I love you. I always felt safe with you, you were…. everything to me.”

The tears Eric had been desperately holding back started trickling down his cheeks. “And you’re mine…. my world, my everything.” He whispered. Hesitantly he reached up, stroked the back of his fingers across her forehead then curled them on the back of her head; her hair was growing back, was almost an inch long now, and soft as down. Fox tensed for a moment under his touch but then stepped even closer, leaning forwards against him. Her hands trailed gently along the leadership marks. Eric dropped his head lower, relaxing under her touch like a big cat. Their eyes met and held, a fierce stare that heated more by the second and Eric felt the beginnings of the fire that they’d shared, that had scorched the landscape around them. They just breathed together for a long moment, sharing the same air as their passion and desire increased, threatened to combust the space around them.

Fox bit her lip, the emotions engulfing her right now were both terrifying and exhilarating, and the best part was the feeling that she had felt this all before, that she’d always felt this way around Eric, alive and on fire. Her body burned for him, needed him like oxygen and her heart hammered in her chest, her blood ran hot. “I know you won’t hurt me,” she whispered, and he bit back a groan, muscles tightening, straining for her touch.

“Fuck baby, I’ve missed you.” He groaned unsteadily.

“We were good together.” She murmured, her voice like a caress.  

Eric couldn’t stop a chuckle, pressed a kiss to her hair. “Yes, we were.” His jeans tightened further as X-rated flashbacks hit him and he closed his eyes, a low growl escaping him.

“Eric,” Fox whispered, scratching her nails down his chest, her fingers trailing fire across his skin through his shirt. He groaned and opened his eyes. Fox clasped the back of his neck and pulled him gently back down to her. Eric’s body tightened with lust, fuck, he wasn’t going to last much longer, not if Fox was going to kiss him again, kiss him the way she used to. He’d been too surprised the first time to truly react, but his body was ready now, ready and howling for her.

Fox hesitated, her lips a hairsbreadth from Eric’s and he inhaled her scent greedily, her breath sweet on his face. A low moan started in his chest and he inhaled sharply as Fox touched her lips to his. A wave of heat and passion swept through him and it took all his resolve not to deepen the kiss, not to throw Fox to the ground and tear her clothes off; they’d always been rough lovers, their passion scorching and red-hot. A breathy gasp left him as Fox pulled slightly away then kissed him again, harder this time. Tremors shot through him, his eyes squeezed shut, face twisted in sweet pain as he fought his rising desire. Fox’s tongue swept gently against him and Eric groaned heavily, pulling away before he lost control. He rested his forehead to Fox’s and panted harshly.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Fox murmured, panting for breath too. Dropping her head again she tucked it underneath Eric’s chin and sighed. “I missed that,” she whispered quietly.

“Fuck baby, I missed it too.”

“Mmmm-hmmm,” she sighed and snuggled closer. “We used to come up here.”

“Yeah, we’d sit over there, against that wall.”

“We had blankets stashed up here, so we didn’t have to sit on the gravel.”

“Yes,” Eric hummed happily, nuzzling closer. “Did you want to sit over there?” His body was still on fire, raging for his Fox, he needed to hold her now, never let her go.

Fox nodded her head against his chest, moved with Eric as he began walking slowly over. Stopping at the wall Fox reached to a weathered wooden box and lifted the lid. With a laugh she pulled the familiar blankets out and smiled up at Eric.

“They’re still here.” Still grinning she spread one down on the gravel, dropped the other onto the corner.

Eric smiled sadly, “after you disappeared I stopped coming up here.”

Fox made a small noise of distress and looked up at Eric with tear-filled eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Eric caressed her face, “baby it wasn’t your fault.”

Fox pulled Eric back against her, pressed her face into his neck. Eric feathered gentle kisses along Fox’s throat, felt her relax under his touch. She moaned his name and it was all Eric could do to not tear her clothes off and plunge inside her. Fuck, he’d missed her, he’d missed this. Fox’s fingers curled against his chest then began to trail lower and Eric unconsciously arched towards her, his body begging for her hands to travel lower, to stroke the straining bulge pressing against his jeans. Her hands ghosted against his abdomen and continued their path downwards, Eric pulling away from Fox’s throat to drop his head back and groan loudly, his eyes rolling back in his head as her fingers finally brushed against the front of his jeans. His hips began to rock involuntarily against her hand and Fox started to rub harder, cupping her palm against him. Grazing his nose up her neck and along her jaw line Eric captured Fox’s mouth with his, his tongue sweeping against her lips, desperate for entrance and his groans grew unsteady as she opened her mouth for him. His body jolted as his tongue curled against Fox’s and she pressed closer to him, deepening the kiss and making Eric’s heart race even harder, thudding almost painfully against his chest wall, surely Fox could feel it as she pressed against him.

He pulled away, gasping. “Fox?”

Fox lifted lust-hazed eyes to him. Their bodies recognized their soulmate so close to them, so close to being connected again and they screamed in protest, muscles cramping with desperate desire.

“We can’t… it’s too soon, I don‘t want to hurt you or mess this up.” He panted, loathe to hurt Fox in any way. If he gave into his desire for her now, there was no fucking way he’d be able to stop.

“Eric, I want you…. make me forget him, forget that pain. I‘m not afraid of you, I will never be afraid of you.” Fox breathed in his ear. “Please baby, make love to me like you used to, I won’t break, I want this, I want you. We’re not complete unless we’re together… I’m ready, stop fighting this baby. Love me, take away those memories, please.”

It was the please that finally broke Eric’s resistance, he could deny her nothing.

With a groan Eric sank onto the blanket, pulling Fox down with him. She straddled his lap, and the last vestiges of his resistance melted when she clasped his face in her hands and kissed him again, moaning against his mouth as her hips rocked against his. Fox tore at Eric’s t-shirt, yanking it over his head then pulled her own off, Eric hissed as his hand brushed against her bare breasts, she wasn’t wearing a bra. Fox’s fingers clawed at Eric’s jeans and he batted her hands away gently. Ripping them off his legs Eric sat up on his knees and leaned over Fox, grabbing her jeans and yarding them the rest of the way off. He watched her eyes carefully, looking for any sign that she was frightened, that she was remembering her torture, but her gaze was heated, blazing with hunger and desire. Panting, frantic with need Eric lowered himself onto his forearms, braced above Fox’s body.

“Yes,” Fox breathed, her arms coiling around him, she pulled his head down for another kiss, her tongue plunging into his mouth. Eric’s body jerked with lust, shuddered with his need to be inside her.

Eric filled her with one slow thrust and the feel of Fox sheathed around him nearly undid him right there. He stopped moving, panting into her neck as he fought to control himself and only when he no longer was on the brink of climax did he begin to move slowly, thrusting in and out carefully.

Fox moaned against him, breathed his name, and lifted her hips to meet his. Eric tensed as his body again threatened to explode, as Fox’s small cries in his ear inflamed his blood all the more.

“More Eric,” Fox whispered, wrapping first one than both legs around his hips.

“Fox?” Eric mumbled, his spine arching sharply. He wanted more too, but Fox needed gentleness now, didn’t she? He pulled back slightly, pausing in his thrusts to look into her eyes.

“Yes,” Fox replied in answer to his unspoken question.

Tightening his arm around her, Eric cupped her cheek with the other hand as he began thrusting harder; sharp, precise snaps of his hips that brushed that secret place deep inside Fox and made her cry out his name as she arched against him. Fox trembled beneath him, not in pain but in bliss, and the love that shone in her eyes as she stroked Eric’s cheek nearly stopped his heart. She trusted him explicitly, trusted him with her body and mind, knew he would never hurt her, would do everything in his power to heal her. Unbelievable sensations coursed through Eric’s body; he’d never thought he’d feel this again, inside Fox, hearing her moan his name again as they made love, an almost desperate edge to their motions, fueled by their devastating separation.

Eric felt his passion rising, threatening to peak and he held back, not willing to give in to his own release until Fox had. He felt his cock brush against Fox’s womb and that flung her over the edge as she cried out underneath him, arching her spine, her walls tightening around him and Eric stopped fighting, gave into his release.

He gave a strangled roar as ecstasy flooded his body, his muscles tightened and he pulsed deep inside Fox, filling her with his seed. His vision greyed at the edges with the intensity of his orgasm and for a long moment he could only exist, experience this sensation, the feel of his body inside Fox, her slick heat, the spasms of her around him, the passion it brought him. He felt the cracks in his heart close and heal, the relentless trickle-loss of his soul stop. He felt at home, finally, for the first time in a long time.

Groaning, gasping for breath, Eric’s body finally uncoiled and, panting, he opened his eyes to see his Fox gazing at him, a small contented smile on her face, her skin flushed and gleaming with her own pleasure. Fox exalted in the moment, in the feeling of Eric throbbing between her legs again, the warm pulses of his orgasm deep inside her, his amazingly muscular body shuddering against her, his strength and awesome power and she felt the last remnants of ugliness, of pain and fear leave her. This was her, this was Eric, they were together again and nothing was going to separate them again. Although she hadn’t consciously remembered Eric or their love for each other during her capture, she realized now that on some deep subconscious level her body and mind had remembered him, and had clung to that love and those memories to keep her alive during the darkest times of her capture; Eric had kept her alive, tethered to her through their undeniable, unbreakable connection.

Eric saw this pass through Fox’s eyes and sudden emotions flooded him; the thought that he’d never see Fox again, that she had died alone, without him somewhere out in the ruins of the city, the not knowing, the speculation, finally the shock of learning she was alive, but still all but lost to him and here; the now, cocooned by her body and love, sheltered together in each other’s arms. They were both changed by the last two years but they were still made for each other, still soulmates, two halves of a whole and Eric let go, began to cry; tears streaming from his eyes as more than two years of anguish and heartache and devastation were finally allowed to escape and Fox curled her hand against the back of his head and pulled him down to her breast, stroking up and down his back as she murmured soothingly to him while he wept.

[sal-of-so-u-l]

Biggest regret in you life ...

Hahahha that changes by the minute tbh. Idk if this counts cus most people have been here and manage not to give a fuck. But it’s important to me so I guess I’ll put it here rather than keep it in my head lol - I know it’s probably going to stay with me for a long ass time anyways  And it’s the one I’m most comfortable in talking about on here lol

So I have this friend (let’s call her Bum)

This is more a lingering regret than anything but (I think it was) last year I was crushing hardways on a chick that I was living with when some stupid shit went down. I did a stupid and had the wool pulled over my eyes, and I lost my best mate Bum because of it (or the closest I’ve had to one anyway). She’s still around and we’ve hung out from time to time, but I can see it’s not the same

Now I know this gal well, we’ve been friends for like 6-7 years?? (we met in year 8/9 so longer I think but we’ll roll with that) but I know what her trust looks like - and I can see that she just doesn’t have any in me anymore and it hurts 

I love this person to bits and they take up an enormous place in my heart, I adore her personality and out of everyone I know she happens to have the phattest car by fucking miles it’s fucking beautiful. But anyways I tend to be pretty honest with shit like that - simply cus ya boy believes in telling people what you think before they’re gone - which is probably what allowed for so much trouble to be caused in the first place. And while the shite that went down was simultaneously my fault and not my fault, the hardest pill to swallow (once I‘d got my head around what (I think at least) had actually happened), was that it didn’t matter what I thought I knew or what I knew was wrong or right; What mattered most was her and her perspective, and how hurt/humiliated my closest damn friend must have been feeling because of it. There was no way to explain anything to her, certainly not without it just sounding like excuses. Not to mention I didn’t even really know what had happened for a while tbh - and she’s the best kind of person but she’s stubborn and proud lol so I knew that she wouldn’t want to listen to anything I had to say until she was ready, and rightfully so. Now I’m a fucking idiot so basically it took me too long to work out but once I did it was over and done with, I’d had laps run around my head completely and the thing I had to accept was that it really didn’t matter what I thought. Cus if I didn’t matter enough for her to wanna hear it then there was nothing I could do. And knowing her and the way she reacts to hurt I really didn’t believe I’d ever see or hear from her again tbh. Which was fair enough from her point of view but it really fucken hurt to think my friend was out there thinking I’d said god-knows-what purely with the intention of hurting her or embarrassing her or whateverthefuck, that I’d wanted to (and succeeded in) hurting her. And that’s just not something I would ever do.  And I couldn’t fix it or reverse it, I couldn’t talk to her at all, and it really really sucked cus this is a person I just want to see live the best life she possibly can

I did break a promise at one point and I gave up on ever hearing from her again. So I threw my hands up and decided she wasn’t worth to me anymore the hurt I was feeling, and the shit I still thought she’d said about me. And crikey lol that was a mistake. Regardless of how we might be now, I truly appreciate how big a part of me she is and mainly cus I made the mistake of trying to remove her - and man I do not recommend at all. Getting rid of someone like that hurts a lot and idk if this kind of shit feels the same to everyone but it physically hurt to try. I’m sorry to drone on but to describe it, it was like there were vines that had grown/wrapped around my heart that I was now just tearing away - and it burned, I felt like I was carving lines in my chest  (Something I had to level with myself about, even then, was that you can’t be that hurt or upset by someone who doesn’t mean anything to you, so I knew I was lying to myself is the short version of that^) But she asked me to leave her alone at the time so I did just that

I still haven’t really explained my part of things to her yet and I regret that, but then again I think the time for explanations has passed. And I know that trying to pin her down to talk it out would be less about her and more about me anyway so I don’t want that either, I’m starting to forget the details anyway.  I think I just wish there was a way to repair the way her eyes see me, and despite us practically being so these days, it still hurts to have her look at me like I’m just a stranger sitting on the end of her bed or smth 

Anyways my point is this: I know that I don’t mean as much to her now as I did a couple of years ago, and hell maybe I never meant anything much to her at all if the stuff she said when she was mad is to be believed. And I know that you can’t force someone to care about you. I wouldn’t to do that to someone either.  But I think a lesson I did learn was this: you can choose what you think of other people or how much you care about them, that’s well within your rights - but what you don’t get to decide is if or how much someone cares about you.

I choose to care about this person now just like I’ve always done. Utterly and completely. She can be a dickhead and a bit ridiculous, but she’s good for a laugh and she puts up with me - and it means a lot to me. So even if I never heard from again tomorrow ik that if she asked for my help in 30 years I wouldn’t ever be too far away to give it.  I admit, I don’t know that she even wants me in her life anymore - I doubt she does seeing as I’m growing more and more certain the reason I heard from her again to begin with was because she was hurting over something else. I also admit that I completely failed to help her like I should have then, I might have been depressed as shit at the time but she gave me a second chance and I was still a shitty friend — and I regret not being better at putting my own crap aside to help her out.

But even if I never get to tell her anything that was going on in my head at the time -- I’m hoping that she finds it in her heart to really forgive me for any hurt I might’ve caused her, right or wrong  I absolutely adore this person, she’s someone who’s mind and company I cherish and want in my life, and I don’t want to lose her if I can help it. I care enough that I’m willing to earn her trust back again, even if it means hitting the reset button and just completely starting again  But while I really hope she wants the same thing, I’m also not that naïve. I shouldn’t hold my breath but I care about her so much. I just hope I don’t have to let her go

Tbh I could say so much more about this person, she’s a gem, but this is already a fucking essay and a half for such a simple question - and even then it doesn’t really answer it (sorry anon lol). I’m not happy with it and I feel like it’s not close to good enough but I started like 4 hours ago lol so I’m gonna wrap it up here I think. Thanks for listening kids, sorry if I bored you

TL;DR I care for the people I care for quite deeply, but in the words of one of the coolest friends I’ve ever had “shit happens bro”, if I could add to that though I’d like to just say that I wish shit would happen to her in particular less

I wish the best for you Bum and I hope to god you never see this lmao, you’d bully me about it forever

But if ya do, and you work out it’s even me lol; know that I’m sorry for being so damn oblivious/selfish/insertamillionthingshere. Ik I‘m rarely the best person, but I’m not a bad one either. And I hope you can forgive me for being a shitty shit-for-brains friend  You’re tougher than I think you give yourself credit for but please don’t be so damn proud that you forget to ask for help if you need it, even if the help is me  

Be safe dude, and take good care of that fkn heart of yours homie please (that goes for the rest of you too✌️)

                                                                                              10/12/2019  5am

[tzudism]

Memory Lane: Maybe It’s Better

Chapter 9:

“You want to go on a date? With me?”

I am in total disbelief.

“Yes! Of course I do, I wouldn’t ask you if I didn’t silly.” Sana laughs

“Sana you could probably get whoever you wanted out of the whole school. Why me?”

“Tzuyu do I really have to spell it out for you? The one that I want out of the entire school is you.” She gets up and grabs my face with both hands, “Believe it or not Tzuyu I find you really beautiful, both inside and out, and I want you more than anything else.”

Sana puts her face directly in front of mine and before I know it she’s staring right into my eyes, and I have no idea what to do. This whole thing just caught me off guard, and now I can’t think straight.

“But of course, this date won’t happen unless I pass my algebra test right?” She lets go of my face, and sits back down.

“Umm yeah…right.”

“I wouldn’t want all of your hard work trying to teach me to go to waste. If I don’t pass my test, I don’t think I’d ever be able to face you again, especially after you’ve helped me so much.”

Everything Sana says at this point goes in one ear and out the other. I can’t get over that fact that Sana…Sana likes me. She said so in her own words, coming from her own mouth. Maybe after getting rejected by Chaeyoung I thought it wasn’t possible for anyone to like me at all, romantically anyway. Yet, here we are.

“Sana?”

“Hmm, yes Tzuyu?”

“What exactly do you like about me?”

“Well, I like your kindness, for example you’ve never once accepted my money for these lessons no matter how many times I offered. You’re very patient, like when dealing with all my random questions and going off topic while studying. Most people get annoyed and stop trying, but not you, you kept helping me. Also, it helps that you’re absolutely gorgeous.” I think my heart skips a beat after hearing her words.

“Oh I see, thank you.”

“Hey, Tzuyu.”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have to tell me you like me back if you don’t, because I know you don’t.”

“What? What makes you say that?”

It’s like she read my mind, but at the same time, I’m not really sure how I feel right now.

“I can see it in your face. You haven’t smiled once since I told you I liked you, but it’s ok. I’m going to ace this test, and make you go on that date with me. I’ll make you fall in love with me Chou Tzuyu, you’ll see.” Sana winks at me and goes back to working on the equations I gave her.

“Well in order to do that, you’d have to actually do these practice equations properly. Here this one is all wrong.” I laugh.

“Hey look, finally a smile.”

“Shut up and focus Sana.”

After we finish studying I wish Sana good luck on her test, and head home. I lie down on my bed and keep going over what happened today. I have no idea how to react to this situation. So I do what I always do when I’m stuck on something. I text Dahyun.

“Hey Dahyun, I need to tell you something, message me back ASAP.”

I wonder what her reaction is going to be to Sana telling me she likes me. She wouldn’t be jealous right? After all she did say I should put the moves on Sana before, although it ended up being the other way around.

Bzz~

“Hey Tzuyu! What’s up?”

Here goes nothing.

“Sana told me that she likes me.”

Bzz~

“WHAT? DID YOU ACTUALLY PUT THE MOVES ON HER? TZUYU YOU SLY-“

“NO I DIDN’T! I had no idea that she felt this way about me. Dahyun I don’t know what to do.”

Bzz~

“Tzuyu it’s pretty simple really, do you like Sana or not?”

I sit and think about that question. Do I like Sana? I told Dahyun before that I didn’t think of Sana that way, before I started tutoring her. Did something change? Maybe it was being with Sana all this time? Hearing her compliment me about even the littlest thing, like telling me my hair looked good one day, or telling me that I was really smart. I remember one day when I was feeling pretty down after seeing Mina and Chaeyoung acting especially romantic, I wanted to dress in my best clothes. I wore a tight black shirt and a red leather jacket over it with black skinny jeans with black boots. I guess I wanted to get Chaeyoung to see what she missed out on. She didn’t even notice. Dahyun did, she’s my best friend, if she didn’t I would’ve hit her. But, Sana noticed too. She told me I looked hot and that I should dress like that more often. Or maybe it was just the way she would gaze at me. Sometimes while I was tutoring her she would stare at me and it made me feel a little uneasy, not because I didn’t like it, but more because having a pretty girl watch you and pay such attention to you was unnerving. But… if I‘m being completely honest with myself…I still have feelings for Chaeyoung. Every time I look at her with Mina my heart aches. I want to be where Mina is, by Chaeyoung’s side. But, I can’t be. So I guess the answer is I don’t know. I’m not sure if I really like Sana or not, or if this is my heartbroken side, reaching out to a pretty girl just because she said a few nice things to me.

“Honestly Dahyun, I’m not sure.”

Bzz~

“Well, tell me more details, did she say anything besides that she likes you?”

“She said that if she passes her algebra test, that I have to go on a date with her.”

Bzz~

“Hmm well, think of it this way, put the fact that you tutored her aside for a second. If she came to you and said that she failed her test and that the date wasn’t going to happen, how would you feel then?”

Obviously I would be upset, I worked so hard trying to teach her all I could for the past few weeks. Oh wait Dahyun said to not think about that. If Sana were to fail, how would I react if I couldn’t go on that date?

“I think…I think I’d be disappointed.”

Bzz~

“Well there you go! I think I know what’s wrong Tzuyu. I think you might like Sana, even if it’s just a little. But, your feelings for Chaeyoung are still there. Especially since you two started talking and texting again. Your feelings for Chaeyoung that you thought were gone are slowly coming back. Or maybe they never left? I wouldn’t know haha. But now, since Sana is giving you attention, something you never really experienced before, you don’t know how to feel. You don’t know which side to go on, the familiar feeling of Chaeyoung who you have cared for, for so long, or this new feeling with a new person in Sana.”

Wow. I’m so glad Dahyun is around to help me in times like these, she has so much insight. She can be really mature when she wants to be.

“Dahyun, how are you so good at these sort of things?”

Bzz~

“Haha it’s not that I’m good at it, necessarily. Sometimes, you need a fresh pair of eyes to really see what’s going on. Like I always say, where would you be without me Chou Tzuyu?”

“Thanks Dahyun, I’m glad to have a best friend like you around. I’m going to head to bed now, night.”

I wake up the next morning feeling nervous. The nervous feeling stays with me the entire ride to school. Sana has algebra as her first class, so at the end of the day her teacher would have graded all the tests and puts the grades online. I can’t focus during any of my classes. I keep going through different situations in my head whether Sana passes her test or not. Soon enough it’s the end of the day and my nervousness and my stress levels are at an all time high. Dahyun sees me at my locker and slams my back with her hand.

“OW! Dahyun what the heck! That hurt!”

“I did it because I thought you were going to have a heart attack or a stroke or something. You need to relax Tzuyu.”

“Did you really have to hit me though? What if I get a bruise because of you?”

“Alright I’m sorry, I may have hit you a little too hard you pansy.”

Bzz~

I get a text from Sana.

“Hey Tzuyu, meet me in front of the library.”

“Well Dahyun, it’s time. I’ll see you later.”

“Go get ‘em tiger! Oh wait technically you’re the one getting asked out. Well you know what I mean! Fighting!”

Sometimes, Dahyun is a great friend with great insight, but right now I want to whack her with my 4-inch thick pre-calculus textbook to shut her face. I walk over to the library and in the distance I see Sana. My nervousness gets worse and I clutch on to my books really hard. She has her hands behind her back. She probably has her test score behind her. I take a few deep breathes and as I get closer.

“So, what did you get?” My voice sounds a little shaky.

Sana has the biggest smile I’ve ever seen. She swiftly gets her hands and puts her phone right in my face.

“I got a B-!”

I grab her phone in disbelief and it reads 81%.

“Oh my gosh! Sana! Yay!”

I give her hug to congratulate her. She either failed or barely passed all her tests prior to this one, if she didn’t get a much better grade on this test, she would surely fail the class. Getting even a B- minus was huge for her. She improved so much in her studies, I was so proud.

“You know what this means right?” She looks at me with a glimmer in her eyes.

To be honest, I’m a little excited. My heart is beating a little faster, and I look at Sana with a smile.

“So Sana, where are you taking me for our date?”

To be continued…

[anotherlifefic]

Chapter 33: A small Glimmer of Hope

I awoke with the sensation of small hands touching my upper arms and face, shaking and poking me as if to check if I was still alive. I groaned, and tried to swat the hands away. „She‘s moving! She‘s alive!“ „What about Link?“ „He, too. But they were very tired.“ I opened my eyes, and the first thing I saw was the childlike face of a Kokiri girl. „Oh, she‘s awake!“, the girl exclaimed. „Hello!“ I let out a soft, tired hum and sat up, rubbing the sleepy dust out of my eyes. I wasn‘t quite awake enough to realize what was going on yet. Next to me, Link also stirred awake, though much faster; eyes wide open and staring at the Kokiri sorrounding us. „You‘re all alive“, he said, voice thin with overwhelming joy. „LINK!“, a loud, female voice interrupted us, and a blur swept past me and right to Link. Oh Goddesses… that voice. I knew that voice. „What“, Link said, sounding a bit choked. Probably because Jenna was hugging him so tightly that he couldn‘t breathe. I quietly groaned and turned to the Kokiri girl who had woken me up. If memory served, her name was Fado. „What is she doing here?“ Fado shrugged. „She just came stumbling into the village right before the monsters came. She said she was Link‘s friend.“ Jenna was in tears, sobbing into Link‘s shoulder. „Oh Link, I thought I would never see you again!“ Link was quite obviously uncomfortable. „Uhm… I‘m sorry, but…. Do we know each other?“ Jenna jumped back as if he had just hit her. „What? You don‘t remember me?“ She waved her hands about. „I‘m Jenna! The woman who would have given you many beautiful strong children if you had given her a chance! We met on the road ten years ago!“ Link knit his eyebrows, and then the memory seemed to return to him. „Oh right. We travelled together for a bit before Rebecca and I got married. Goddesses, that was a long time ago.“ Then he cast me a slightly desperate look. I shrugged, kind of at a loss. „What are you doing here, Jenna?“ „Oh, I have been searching all over Hyrule for you. After Ganondorf became king, I thought you might need my help! But I couldn‘t find you. Then I remembered that you mentioned visiting Kokiri village and thought that it was worth a try! So… here I am!“ Her eyes were shining with joy. „Oh to think that after ten years I would get a chance to rekindle our romance!“ „Hold your horses. There was no romance. And there will never be a romance. In case you didn‘t listen: I am married. Quite happily.“ Link gestured over to me, and Jenna followed the gesture. Her smile faded and a sour pout took its place. „I see.“ I surpressed a condescending smirk. No need to be petty. Instead, I adressed Fado again:„Why are you all here? Why didn‘t you go back to the village after the monsters were gone?“ She nervously shuffled her feet. „We thought it would be too dangerous. The Forest Temple has not yet been infested with monsters, so we figured it would be the safest place to hide.“ „Are all of the Kokiri there?“, Link asked. „All except for Mido. He said he wanted to scout out the area, but he hasn‘t returned yet.“ Link got up and dusted himself off. „I‘ll go looking for him then. Rebecca, could you please go into the temple with the Kokiri and make sure everyone is alright?“ „Of course“, I said, though my stomach was in knots over that. I didn‘t want to let him go again. Every time he was out of my sight I felt like he would just disappear again, like he had so many times during our courtship and marriage. But he would probably be more effective in searching for Mido without having to keep an eye on me. „I‘m going with you!“, Jenna insisted, but Link shook his head almost frantically. „No! Uhm… I mean… Rebecca could surely use some help. And besides, I‘m faster when I‘m alone.“ He came over to me and hugged me. While he was doing so, he whispered:„Try not to kill each other while I‘m gone, okay?“ „I‘ll do my best“, I replied and kissed the corner of his mouth.

We could enter the Forest Temple by climbing a thick vine that had been lowered from one of the trees framing the entrance. Jenna and I went first, followed by Fado and the two other Kokiri. The inside of the temple was somewhat similar to the interior of Hyrule Castle, though obviously long abandoned and overgrown. The rest of the Kokiri were gathered in the entrance hall, big empty eyes telling of the trauma they had suffered when the monsters attacked their village. Only few of them looked up as I approached them. Some of them were injured, though only lightly. I only had very little medical knowledge, but I knew how to deal with cuts and bruises. While I treated the children‘s injuries, Jenna was hovering over my shoulder, pointedly „correcting“ everything I did and loudly wondering why Link would ever marry someone as clumsy as me. I huffed and straightened my back. „Hah! I bet Link will soon leave you and that hunched back of yours-“ „Will you shut up already?“, I snapped at her. „I don‘t know if you can look that far past yourself, but these children are scared and injured. How about you actually do something to help them instead of pestering me?!“ A small hand tugged at my shirt, and I immediately crouched down to be on eye-level with the little Kokiri who had tried to get my attention that way. „Yes, dear?“ „Are you and Link here to save us?“, he asked. Even for a Kokiri, this boy was tiny, and probably an actual child even by Kokiri standards. „We will do our very best. Kokiri Forest is still Link‘s home, after all.“ The boy was shaking, but he managed to give me a small smile. „Thank you. When they came… and killed the Great Deku Tree… we were all so scared. But with Link being here now, we all know that things will get better.“ „We will put an end to all of this, I promise“, I replied. „Link is a hero, after all.“ I couldn‘t help myself… this little boy reminded me of Gareth. I put my hand on my stomach. Naboru had said that Ganondorf had corrupted him… maybe I would even have to face my own son during this journey. Would he recognize me? What would I do? Would I even have a choice? I tried to swallow the lump in my throat and smiled at the boy. „How old are you?“ „We Kokiri don‘t count the years.“ „I see.“ I sighed. „I have a little son, who would be about as old as you look like now.“ The boy perked up. „Really? I hope your son is alright then.“ „So do I“, I mumbled. The Kokiri scampered off, and I met Jenna‘s slightly horrified gaze when I straightened my back again. „What?“, I asked, slightly annoyed that she was still stuck to my heels instead of making herself useful. „You actually have a child with Link?!“ She seemed absolutely appalled by that. „Yes. What of it? You want to steal my child on top of constantly harrassing my husband?“ I was absolutely done with her at this point. She stomped her foot like a petulant child. „This is not fair! Why should you have everything I want?! You have the best, strongest husband and he gives you children! And what did he give me? The cold shoulder!“ I took a deep, exasperated breath, not wanting to freak out the Kokiri by losing my composure even more than I already had. „Then maybe you should learn that the world doesn‘t owe you these things.“ „Why wouldn‘t it?! After all I‘ve been through, I should at least get...“ „You won‘t get anything unless you have a serious change in attitude.“ Great, now I was talking like I was her mother. I sighed and rubbed my eyes. I was still tired from going without sleep for two days. Fado came up me. „We made you a bed over there.“ I smiled at her. „Thank you so much, Fado. That means a lot. Just let me take care of the rest of the Kokiri first.“

I spent two more hours taking care of frightened and injured Kokiri, cleaning out scratches and cooling bruises, before retiring to the pile of leaves that was my bed. But I couldn‘t fall asleep quite yet. Link wasn‘t back yet. Had something happened, either to Link or to Mido? I hoped not. On a similar pile of leaves near me, Jenna stirred, appearantly still just as awake as I was. Then, the gate to the temple opened and I heard the familiar sound of Link‘s boots approaching, accompanied by a set of smaller feet probably belonging to Mido. They were talking to each other, but I didn‘t understand what they were saying, as they were whispering. A few seconds later, Link approached me, the soft light of Navi guiding him. „I‘m back“, he whispered. I stretched out my arms, and he lowered himself onto the pile of leaves into my embrace. „Are you two alright?“, I asked softly. „Yes��� Mido was hiding in a tree after being chased up there by some monsters. He didn‘t get hurt, and the monsters were so occupied with patroulling around the tree that they didn‘t even notice me until it was too late for them.“ I breathed a sigh of relief, and with Link back in my arms and all of the Kokiri safe and sound, I finally managed to fall asleep.

[talesfromthewhitechair-blog]

Cycle 2: Day 1

My nephew, Robert, has decided that he wants to come with me to today. (I can’t help wondering if Jo has rung him up and asked him to.) Rob arrives at the house on his motorbike, dressed in leathers. I love motorbikes (much to the embarrassment of my sons) and just for a minute envisage the two of us zipping through the rush hour traffic on the way to the hospital. But my hopes are dashed when Rob tells me that he hasn’t bought a spare helmet and so we set off on foot.

As we sit waiting for my blood test, I grow increasingly aware of how quiet Rob has become. It very quickly transpires that Rob hates hospitals, yet despite this he felt he had to be with me. I’m touched to think that he has set aside his own uneasiness, but on another level I feel uncomfortable that as the day goes on, especially if I do not tolerate the drugs as well as before, (and I have absolutely no way of knowing if I will) that he may see things that he finds distressing and from which I cannot protect him. I think deep down I feel scared that Rob could see me vulnerable and I’m not sure how either of us would deal with it.

I try hard not to feel responsible for how Rob copes with the day (he’s in his thirties for god sake). But still there’s something in my relationship with him, our history together, which makes my ‘watchful aunt’ role one I find difficult to relinquish. The truth is I can never look at this tall, strong man without catching a glimpse of the quiet boy with the toothy grin staring back at me.

When we go into the consultation, Juliet asks me the usual series of questions regarding how I’ve been, while Nick’s examination confirms that the lumps are already reduced in size. We’re all in good humour and everything is progressing nicely. It’s a positive start to the day.

As our discussion continues, I find myself talking about the boys and my quest for peace and quiet. I ask Nick if he can possibly book me in to stay overnight for my next cycle. He says he’ll see what he can do.

As Nick writes out the prescription for my drugs I ask him not to give me anymore anti-sickness pills because I still have plenty left. As I go on to explain about the boiled ginger root, Juliet nods, but Nick just shakes his head and looks at me quizzically.

“Why don’t you just take the pills?” he asks smiling.

“Why…” I laugh. “…if the ginger root works just as well?”

Nick looks genuinely baffled as to why I would want to try something else rather than taking the medication. Meanwhile, I sit wondering if it’s part of the medical model to just automatically throw pills at everything as a solution. I have no doubt that this is the easiest and most reassuring option for most people, however, for me there is something about resistance, a dogged determination to try and do things my own way in order to keep some degree of control, but I don’t know if Nick sees that, (maybe I just appear stubborn or awkward, I’m not sure) either way, it feels as if somehow, he and I are going head to head on this one (albeit in the friendliest of ways).

As we are leaving, Juliet tells me that she will be away for my next chemo treatment as it falls over the Christmas holidays. I’m glad of her thoughtfulness in considering to forewarn me, but also begin to feel alarmed as to who I will see if my ‘team’ should be absent over the break. Juliet however reassures me that Nick will still be on duty and so I will see him at least. Inside, I heave a sigh of relief and suddenly for the first time, become acutely aware of my need for continuity and of the importance of Juliet and Nick’s roles in providing this.

Later when the blood results are back and I am given the prescription to take to the pharmacy, I find that despite our conversation, Nick has still prescribed more anti-sickness drugs.

Up on Ellis ward, there appear to be fewer people having chemo today and as we sit waiting in the day room, Rob seems a little tense as he jumps up and fetches a chair for an elderly woman accompanying her husband. I keep finding myself trying to put him at ease, checking with him every now and again that he’s ok. He assures me he is, but his body language looks like it’s saying something else.  

When I see Val, I ask her if she has my art materials. (I left them behind with someone in the long stay bay when I went home after my first treatment, asking them to give them back to Val when they had finished with them.) Val discovers that they are locked in a cupboard and the nurse who has the key is off duty. She offers to try and break in, but I tell her not to worry. Inside however, I feel slightly anxious because it means that Redshoes is without her creative space.

Eventually, I am shown to a bed, next to my original one which is occupied. Redshoes looks longingly at it, thinking back to how she laughed and played with Annie, how the treatment had gone well and how she had felt safe. This after all, was the bed where the fear floated off on the first night; and somehow she sees it as her “lucky bed”.

“It’s going to be absolutely fine…” I reassure her. “…We’re going to sail through this.”

Sometimes I think it’s quite amazing how quickly one can adapt to new situations. As the cannula is inserted it hardly bothers me at all, (although Rob looks a bit anxious). Within half an hour, the retuximab is under way and Evelyn is conducting the observations. The drip rate apparently can be increased faster this time because my tolerance to the drug is now known. This is good news as it means the bag will take less time to transfuse.

I sit on the bed and look around. All is quiet and when I look at Rob, he is sitting reading a motorcycle magazine. For the first time, I feel bored and worse still, a ‘falling back’ feeling is beginning to come over me. I try to shake it off by going for a walk. I wander up to the drinks trolley, make a cup of tea and come back.

Now I love Rob dearly, but he’s quite serious and not what I would describe as spontaneously playful and so when I ask him to play, he looks a bit puzzled and asks me what I want to do. In the end, we sit trying to do a crossword puzzle, but the pauses in my thought process begin to grow longer and longer as the ‘falling back’ seizes hold and envelops me in a fogginess from which eventually I just stare. A hot flush follows and as I gaze across the bay I see two other woman, in other beds and they too have glazed looks and are just gazing into thin air. Meanwhile Rob, (who works as a prison officer,) has given up with the crossword and now sits looking like he is guarding me.

“Aren’t you bored?” I eventually ask (my voice sounding remarkably slow to my ears).

“Not really,” smiles Rob, “I‘m used to sitting with the prisoners when they go to court.”

We sit for what feels like ages in silence (although I’m not sure if I’m just in some sort of time stretch) and then Rob starts reading his magazine again and I start slowly sliding back into a quicksand of nothingness, whilst trying to clutch in my drug-flooded brain to the briefest snatch of a short story by Kafka.

But help is at hand in the shape of Evelyn, who arrives to do the observations and whose cheery conversation makes me laugh and somehow manages to pull me back.  

Evelyn, I’ve noticed, occasionally seems to gets a bit anxious about the blood pressure readings.  

“Go on girl…” I say laughing, “…be confident.”

“Oh I dunno…” she mutters, “…think I’ll just get someone to check.”

And off she scuttles, returning moments later with Val, who confirms that her original reading was correct.

Now feeling wide awake again, I decide that it might be better to try and stay on my feet. Earlier in the day, Rob was telling me about a stiffness in his neck, so I drag my drip around to the back of Rob’s chair and I offer to give him a sitting shiatsu massage.

For anyone who’s not familiar with it, shiatsu massage is like acupuncture without the needles. One uses the same channels (energy pathways) and the same points, but instead of using needles one uses one’s body (mostly fingers, thumbs, forearms and elbows, in case you’re wondering,) and your own ‘chi’ (energy) to unblock the channels. But to give a shiatsu you must be very focused in order to be attuned to where the blockages are and to direct your ‘chi’, and so I always find when I’m treating someone, that I develop a mindfulness that feels like meditation.

As I begin to work on Rob’s neck, I suddenly feel calm and completely focused. It feels wonderful to be in the role of healer and just for a short time, I completely forget that the reason we are here is because I am the person having the treatment. By the time, we’re finished; the retuximab is at an end, this time only having taken around three hours.

An hour later, with the rest of the treatment completed we’re ready to leave and Carlos arrives to take us home. I have come through my second chemotherapy treatment without any real problems. Two down, six to go.

Back at home, I open the front door. “What’s for tea?” demands Jose as I come up the stairs. I just look at him and shake my head in disbelief.  

“Give me a break…” I tell him, “…I’ve just got back from the hospital.”

“Oh sorry…” he says apologetically, “…I forgot you was having chemo today, I thought you’d been to work.”  And he rushes off to the kitchen and makes me a cup of tea.