#sorrybum

[lizzieshalom]

This is what happens when there is no toilet paper. #sorrybum (Taken with Instagram)

[sal-of-so-u-l]

I feel stuck inside my head and my heart recently, (recently being the last couple of years) - like I can’t move past my own walls or something. I feel removed from everything and as if I’m standing slightly to the left of what I should be feeling in almost every given moment - even the important ones. I feel like almost nothing & no-one can touch or reach me and not in a good way

As a result I end up feeling like a fake in every social encounter and it sucks

Not only that but I feel like an idiot all the time. I feel like there’s a disconnect in my head somewhere, and basic/obvious lines of thought and observation on really cloudy days become so hard to put together that it’s too embarrassing to speak. So on those days I just don’t. Days like today

Sorry to anyone in my life who has to put up with me being a dumbass 24/7. I don’t like it and I don’t understand it, but I’m trying my best to fix it

[sal-of-so-u-l]

Sorry I have all the personality of a moist towelette and you have to carry the humour on ur own whenever we hang out

[sal-of-so-u-l]

[sal-of-so-u-l]

Ty to the people who put up w me doing this all the time ay, I fuckin love yas something massive lmao

[sal-of-so-u-l]

For (probably not) the last time

I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND I HOPE YOURE ALL OKAY ❤️

IG credit: @giuliajrosa

[sal-of-so-u-l]

Biggest regret in you life ...

Hahahha that changes by the minute tbh. Idk if this counts cus most people have been here and manage not to give a fuck. But it’s important to me so I guess I’ll put it here rather than keep it in my head lol - I know it’s probably going to stay with me for a long ass time anyways  And it’s the one I’m most comfortable in talking about on here lol

So I have this friend (let’s call her Bum)

This is more a lingering regret than anything but (I think it was) last year I was crushing hardways on a chick that I was living with when some stupid shit went down. I did a stupid and had the wool pulled over my eyes, and I lost my best mate Bum because of it (or the closest I’ve had to one anyway). She’s still around and we’ve hung out from time to time, but I can see it’s not the same

Now I know this gal well, we’ve been friends for like 6-7 years?? (we met in year 8/9 so longer I think but we’ll roll with that) but I know what her trust looks like - and I can see that she just doesn’t have any in me anymore and it hurts 

I love this person to bits and they take up an enormous place in my heart, I adore her personality and out of everyone I know she happens to have the phattest car by fucking miles it’s fucking beautiful. But anyways I tend to be pretty honest with shit like that - simply cus ya boy believes in telling people what you think before they’re gone - which is probably what allowed for so much trouble to be caused in the first place. And while the shite that went down was simultaneously my fault and not my fault, the hardest pill to swallow (once I‘d got my head around what (I think at least) had actually happened), was that it didn’t matter what I thought I knew or what I knew was wrong or right; What mattered most was her and her perspective, and how hurt/humiliated my closest damn friend must have been feeling because of it. There was no way to explain anything to her, certainly not without it just sounding like excuses. Not to mention I didn’t even really know what had happened for a while tbh - and she’s the best kind of person but she’s stubborn and proud lol so I knew that she wouldn’t want to listen to anything I had to say until she was ready, and rightfully so. Now I’m a fucking idiot so basically it took me too long to work out but once I did it was over and done with, I’d had laps run around my head completely and the thing I had to accept was that it really didn’t matter what I thought. Cus if I didn’t matter enough for her to wanna hear it then there was nothing I could do. And knowing her and the way she reacts to hurt I really didn’t believe I’d ever see or hear from her again tbh. Which was fair enough from her point of view but it really fucken hurt to think my friend was out there thinking I’d said god-knows-what purely with the intention of hurting her or embarrassing her or whateverthefuck, that I’d wanted to (and succeeded in) hurting her. And that’s just not something I would ever do.  And I couldn’t fix it or reverse it, I couldn’t talk to her at all, and it really really sucked cus this is a person I just want to see live the best life she possibly can

I did break a promise at one point and I gave up on ever hearing from her again. So I threw my hands up and decided she wasn’t worth to me anymore the hurt I was feeling, and the shit I still thought she’d said about me. And crikey lol that was a mistake. Regardless of how we might be now, I truly appreciate how big a part of me she is and mainly cus I made the mistake of trying to remove her - and man I do not recommend at all. Getting rid of someone like that hurts a lot and idk if this kind of shit feels the same to everyone but it physically hurt to try. I’m sorry to drone on but to describe it, it was like there were vines that had grown/wrapped around my heart that I was now just tearing away - and it burned, I felt like I was carving lines in my chest  (Something I had to level with myself about, even then, was that you can’t be that hurt or upset by someone who doesn’t mean anything to you, so I knew I was lying to myself is the short version of that^) But she asked me to leave her alone at the time so I did just that

I still haven’t really explained my part of things to her yet and I regret that, but then again I think the time for explanations has passed. And I know that trying to pin her down to talk it out would be less about her and more about me anyway so I don’t want that either, I’m starting to forget the details anyway.  I think I just wish there was a way to repair the way her eyes see me, and despite us practically being so these days, it still hurts to have her look at me like I’m just a stranger sitting on the end of her bed or smth 

Anyways my point is this: I know that I don’t mean as much to her now as I did a couple of years ago, and hell maybe I never meant anything much to her at all if the stuff she said when she was mad is to be believed. And I know that you can’t force someone to care about you. I wouldn’t to do that to someone either.  But I think a lesson I did learn was this: you can choose what you think of other people or how much you care about them, that’s well within your rights - but what you don’t get to decide is if or how much someone cares about you.

I choose to care about this person now just like I’ve always done. Utterly and completely. She can be a dickhead and a bit ridiculous, but she’s good for a laugh and she puts up with me - and it means a lot to me. So even if I never heard from again tomorrow ik that if she asked for my help in 30 years I wouldn’t ever be too far away to give it.  I admit, I don’t know that she even wants me in her life anymore - I doubt she does seeing as I’m growing more and more certain the reason I heard from her again to begin with was because she was hurting over something else. I also admit that I completely failed to help her like I should have then, I might have been depressed as shit at the time but she gave me a second chance and I was still a shitty friend — and I regret not being better at putting my own crap aside to help her out.

But even if I never get to tell her anything that was going on in my head at the time -- I’m hoping that she finds it in her heart to really forgive me for any hurt I might’ve caused her, right or wrong  I absolutely adore this person, she’s someone who’s mind and company I cherish and want in my life, and I don’t want to lose her if I can help it. I care enough that I’m willing to earn her trust back again, even if it means hitting the reset button and just completely starting again  But while I really hope she wants the same thing, I’m also not that naïve. I shouldn’t hold my breath but I care about her so much. I just hope I don’t have to let her go

Tbh I could say so much more about this person, she’s a gem, but this is already a fucking essay and a half for such a simple question - and even then it doesn’t really answer it (sorry anon lol). I’m not happy with it and I feel like it’s not close to good enough but I started like 4 hours ago lol so I’m gonna wrap it up here I think. Thanks for listening kids, sorry if I bored you

TL;DR I care for the people I care for quite deeply, but in the words of one of the coolest friends I’ve ever had “shit happens bro”, if I could add to that though I’d like to just say that I wish shit would happen to her in particular less

I wish the best for you Bum and I hope to god you never see this lmao, you’d bully me about it forever

But if ya do, and you work out it’s even me lol; know that I’m sorry for being so damn oblivious/selfish/insertamillionthingshere. Ik I‘m rarely the best person, but I’m not a bad one either. And I hope you can forgive me for being a shitty shit-for-brains friend  You’re tougher than I think you give yourself credit for but please don’t be so damn proud that you forget to ask for help if you need it, even if the help is me  

Be safe dude, and take good care of that fkn heart of yours homie please (that goes for the rest of you too✌️)

                                                                                              10/12/2019  5am

[sal-of-so-u-l]

Seems that for every good thing I do I fuck up 5 other times in the process

[sal-of-so-u-l]

So I’m the worst mate in the world

[sal-of-so-u-l]

Hello friend, i wanted to know who who you reference in your reposts, like "this reminds me of you" or "I wish I could tag you in this". Probably a very personal thing but I was curious if there was a story attached. Thanks ❤️

Well depending on the post and the picture it could be one of two people;

One is a friend of mine who died quite a time ago - and who I miss very dearly.

MASSIVE EDIT: The other isn’t anyone to me anymore - I dated her on and off during (and a bit after) my last couple years of school, which was also when I made all those posts. I think somebody recently found and read the original post of this, and then relayed it to an old friend of mine, thus contributing to her getting completely the wrong idea. Please know this really wasn’t about you dude, you know exactly who you are.