#sorry just been thinking about it since hs^2 started updating again

[simmonsized]

The point of epilogues fix-it fics is not fixing everything because it sucked, but saving characters from their own downfall out of love, because you want to believe that people care about each other enough to notice negative changes in their own friends

[algolstare]

hello again and welcome to the fire 2: out of the pan

featuring the promised photos of my dear sweet Baby who is the sole thing keeping me from falling apart!! hiiii hiiii i am so sorry to be asking for aid again, i really have been doing my best!!!

tldr: abuse survivor & cat need help keeping housing

we are still looking for regular jobs, it has been going terribly on that end even when i am lying about having finished hs (which i could not do for having been stuck in abusive home hell) to be able to apply for more. ive gone back to a different kind of work, and i have even made quite a bit!!! but it is in payment processing limbo so it won't be here til after the 1st!! 🥹

i have to be able to keep this room, or else i am going to be homeless or worse. i won't be going back to my family's home either way, i refuse to do it, even if nothing else is viable i won't be going back there. i would rather die. i would have started with this other work sooner, but i was hoping id be able to finally do regular work and not have to hurt myself this way to get by.. it was very foolish of me to assume it would be easy to find a job!!!

it is so incredibly frustrating, because i did not want to have to ask for more help, when i am already only even safe here because of the mercy of others. it feels like too much, still, but i am setting aside my issues because my kitty baby is dependent on me whether i think i am deserving or not.

in order to be able to stay housed and safe, we need 665, i had to pay for food because i couldn't get help with food or else i'd have saved more of my initial funds ;w;

rather than go through gfm or bmac, because gfm takes fees and bmac's processing times are also stupid long, i've revived my kofi page so things can be super simple and not painful

so if you would like to help us ensure our wellbeing and that of our sweet cat, you can do so here!! the goal is also set up over there so you can see before i update over here

you could also commission us here if you would prefer that! examples of our art are there too 🎨🧸

0/665 as of 2/20 w/ 9 days left 🐻🏡

(at the very least, if we can get through this, paying april rent will be a breeze since I've already made nearly enough it is just taking too long to hit the bank 🧸🪦)

[btsslowburnfic]

BTBY Chapter 13

Series Summary: For Namjoon, the moment he set his sights on being the #1 rapper, he pushed the symbol to the side and hated it. Love should be chosen, not forced on you. He didn’t believe in fate and this mark on his wrist was a big “fuck you” to all that.

Chapter Summary: Where the fuck is Ben?

Previous Chapter here 

Namjoon wakes up with a start as he feels something kicking his foot. He looks up to see Xavier holding a tray of coffee. He rubs his face with his palm and shakes his head. “Hey.”

“Sorry, I tried just saying your name but it wasn’t working. Coffee?” He asks and holds out one of the cups.

“Yes, thanks.” He takes the cup and looks over to see you’re still sleeping.

“Any updates?” Xavier asks as he sits two coffee cups on the side table. 

“No. They brought a doctor in to show her the skull xrays and then she passed out. Anything on your end?”

Xavier takes a deep breathe in, sitting on the window ledge. “Yeah, I went to their apartment. I have a key because you know, best friend,” he gestures to himself. He pauses and looks over at your sleeping form to make sure that you are really out of it before he proceeds. He lowers his volume slightly and looks over ta Namjoon. “And Ben is nowhere to be found. The shower was wet though so he definitely went home and showered. Their car is gone and he’s ghosting me, Gina, and Joe.” 

“Wow. What a dick.”

“Yeah, well Ben and I aren’t on the best of terms anyway so yes, I agree with you a million percent. I just don’t know what I’m going to say to [y/n] when she wakes up asking about it.” He sips his coffee and then gets his phone out.

Namjoon takes out his phone to check any messages he may have gotten in his sleep. He has several from the other members and their manager. 

[Tae]: ok. I’ll fly out tonight. Are you feeling better now that she’s awake?

[Manager Sejin]: That’s fine. We understand.  Just lay low and we’ll sort it. I booked the hotel for the rest of the week. Lmk if you need longer.

[Jin]: Im gOiNg To GeT My SOulMarK rEmOvEd -_- 

[JHOOOOOOPE]: Are you feeling better now? Tae says you are staying there for a while. BE NICE.

[JIMINISSI]: We miss you. Take care.

Namjoon sends replies to everyone except Jin. And then scrolls through social media.  

“I’m ordering non-hospital food. Do you want anything?” Xavier asks, breaking the silence.

“No. I’m fine. Thanks. I think I’ll head over to the hotel and nap if you’re going to stay here?” He says getting up out of the chair.

“Yeah. I’ll be here until around 2 and then Rafael is going to stop by. Just wait a minute, I’m going to ask the nurse if [y/n] can eat food from out or not.” Xavier says not waiting for an answer as he exits the room.

Namjoon walks over to your bed and covers your foot that you’ve kicked out from under the sheet. The pressure cuffs are still on your legs, preventing blood clots. He feels guilty once again that he had been so selfish when you were lying here with so many tubes and devices stuck to you. He decided last night he will make it up to you. Somehow. As much as he can in the next few days.

He walks over to the hospital table and takes out the small memo pad and writes down his phone number with a note.  “I’ll be back this afternoon. If you need something before then: xxxxxxxxxx” He puts it on your bedside table underneath the coffee cup.

Xavier walks back in. “Two breakfast burritos on their way. Yesss.” He says, satisfied with his breakfast order. “Did anyone say how long she might have to stay here?” 

“No. I think she’s getting her legs evaluated today.” Namjoon responds as he packs up hs phone charger and puts his trash into the small bin.

“Thanks for coming RM. And more importantly for staying. I know you didn’t really want any of this,” Xavier gestures to the whole area. 

“Call me Namjoon. And how long have you known about…” he pauses not sure how to word it. “Me and [y/n] being soulmates?”

Xavier laughs, “Uh since day one. Best friend, remember?” he says dryly. He looks towards the door, making sure the three of you are the only ones in the room. “I also know about your extracurricular activities.”

Namjoon feels his face grow a little red. 

“Your secret is safe with me.” Xavier pauses for a moment. “So. When are you flying out?”

“I think I’ll stay for the rest of the week. I’m still not really up to performing yet, and also I want to stay and make sure she gets better.” 

Xavier raises his eyebrows at this but doesn’t say anything. “Ok. Well then I guess I’ll see you around then?”

“Yeah, see you,” Namjoon responds as he leaves the room to go see Tae before the younger man flies out.

------------

You wake up to sunlight streaming into your room. Fuck your head still hurt. But your arms feel much less stiff today, you noticed as you slowly started to wake up more. You blink the sleep out of your eyes and smelled coffee. YEsssss you thought. It had been forever. Well maybe a week. And you were unconscious for a lot of it, but you were still excited. You wiggle your body into a more seated position and use the bed remote to raise you. You saw the coffee cup next to your bed and reached for it, and also saw a note with a coffee ring. You pick it up and read it. Namjoon’s number? Wow, you think as you took out your phone and added the contact. 

“Hey babe,” you hear Xavier’s voice and look over towards the doorway. He’s holding a bag of food and is once again your favorite person in the world.

“Hey. Sorry for yelling at you yesterday.” You say. You felt super embarrassed as you remember all the yelling and crying you did yesterday.

“No worries. You got hit by a car. I freak out when they get my coffee order wrong,” Xavier commiserates as he walks closer. “The nurse said you can have real food. Do you want some?”

“Yes. Absolutely.” you respond immediately, your stomach growling and aching. You had eaten a few crackers yesterday but didn’t want to push your luck. Today though, you were ravenous. Xavier walks closer and tosses a burrito onto your lap. HE is dreading the question he  knows you are going to ask him so he stalls.

“I talked to Namjoon a bit this morning. He seems a lot nicer.”

You are chewing your burrito as you nod your head, “Yeah. I guess so. He was nicer to me yesterday too. Weird. And, he gave me his number.” You hold up the piece of paper.

“Honey that’s nothing, I’ve been texting him for days.” Xavier teases you as he bites his burrito.

You laugh, covering your mouth full of food. “Such a brat. Thanks for the food.”

“Of course,” he responds.

You check your phone to see if you have any messages from Ben. Nothing.

[Y/N]: Are you ok? I’m worried about you.

You send the message off. “Have you heard from Ben?” You ask Xavier. You can tell by his shift in body posture that he hasn’t.

“No.”

There’s more to it….”Did you go to the apartment?”

“I did. He had been there and showered, but he was gone by the time got there.”

You feel knots in your stomach. “What if he’s been in an accident or something?”

Xavier can’t help but feel annoyed. If Ben would just answer his fucking phone you two wouldn’t be here worrying about his stupid ass. 

“He probably just needed to clear his head or something. If we haven’t heard from him in a while we can call jails and hospitals.” Xavier says nonchalantly.

You felt nauseous at the thought of your fiance being in either one of those places. You put your burrito down, suddenly unable to finish it. 

“You gotta eat [y/n] even when your boyfriend sucks.” Xavier says flippantly.

You pout. “Fiance. And he could be in trouble Even if he’s busy sorting shit out in his head, it’s a lot to take in that your partner has a soulmate and didn't tell you.”

Xavier rolls his eyes, “ Yeah. Except he should be here with you, talking it through. And supporting you, you just got out of a fucking coma.”

You sigh. You and Ben’s relationship had become a point of contention between you and Xavier over the past few months. Ben had been distant while you were on your summer tour, rarely responding to your texts and almost never facetime-ing you. When you complained about it, he had called you clingy. Xavier sent you a million memes on gaslighting and toxic behavior until you got annoyed with him and told him to stop. You lowered your expectations of Ben. After all, you were the one who had decided to spend your summer traveling around the country. You were lucky to be with someone so understanding of your schedule. At least that’s what you tell yourself.

And then he didn’t pick you guys up at the airport. He forgot. Even though you reminded him several times and forwarded him the flight confirmation. The two of you waited at the airport for two hours just in case he remembered before Xavier angrily called Joe who arrived after 20 minutes. 

“See [y/n]? This is what a good boyfriend looks like.” He snidely commented to you as he walked around and hugged and kissed Joe.

“You can’t control what anyone else does babe. You can only control your reaction to it. You eating that burrito or not isn’t going to make Ben appear, but it will help you feel better.”

“Yeah,” you say and pick it back up, taking small bites to make Xavier happy. 

The rest of the morning passes quickly after that, with various doctors and nurses coming in and out, checking the screens, reading off blood counts, cognitive checks, and examining your legs. You tell Xavier to get his butt back to work, promising him that you will take care of yourself.

A cheerful woman pops in with a walker. “Hello! I’m Mandy and I’m one of the physical therapists here. We’re going to see how your legs are doing. Is that alright?” 

You nod your head. “Yeah. I’ll be glad to get these things off,” you gesture to the cuffs.

“Yes, hopefully you’ll be able to bear weight and we can work on lessening the cuff time.” She walks over and gently removes the pressure cuffs off your legs. “Now it’s been a week since you’ve usd your legs so we’re going to take it nice and slow. We don’t want you falling.”

“Ok,” you say and swing your legs over the side of the bed and gently slide down, allowing your feet to touch the hospital floor. You can tell they don’t quite feel normal, like they belong to someone else.

“Let’s just start with this. You’re going to use this and stand. Ok?” She places the aluminum walker in front of you. You nod your head and grip both sides of the frame. Holy shit she wasn’t kidding. Just standing there your body feels so heavy and foreign to you. 

“Good. Good. Just stand there for a few more seconds and then we’ll have you sit down and do that a few more times.” She makes a few notes on her tablet. 

You stand there for a few more seconds and then you see Namjoon in the doorway. “Hey,” you greet him as you take a seat on the bed.

Mandy turns and casually looks over at the doorway. And then looks again, clearly missing how hot he was the first time. You notice her eyes widen a bit as she makes eye contact with her tablet. You get second hand embarrassment and blush as well. 

“Can I come in or is this a bad time?” he asks.

Mandy clears her throat, “It’s fine with me, it’s up to you.” She says to you. “Stand up again please.”

“Sure, come in. But no making fun of me.” You say as you stand up again. You feel your joints starting to loosen up a bit this time.

“I don’t know if I can comply with those terms.” He says from the doorway. You admire how his solid frame takes up so much of the space there. 

“Yeah, well just remember if I fall it hurts you, so encouragement is encouraged.”

He laughs, “Encouragement is encouraged? Wow. And English is your first language.”

You smirk. “Go sit down and read a book or something.” 

You continue with your standing exercises for a few more minutes.

“Ok that’s all for right now, we don’t want to wear you out. Keep doing that a few times every hour and we can keep the cuffs off during the day.” She smiles at you reassuringly. “I’ll be back at 4 and we are going to do work with therabands. I’ll see you then.” 

“Great, thank you.” you respond as she leaves the walker and exits the room. “Ughhh that was so tiring.” You complain as you swing your legs back into bed and place them under the covers.

“Hey, it’s way better than yesterday.” Namjoon says from his chair by the window. 

“True. How are you feeling today?” 

“A lot better. I grabbed a nap and shower at the hotel and talked to the team.”

“When do you fly out?” 

“Trying to get rid of me so quickly?” He asks, feigning insult.

You roll your eyes, “I feel like you have a very important day job that you should get back to.”

Namjoon smiles, “I’ll leave in a week. I guess less if you kick me out.”

“No, I like having you here. You know other than the constant insults, your eye candy factor helps balance it out” You tease him and he laughs You hear a noise from the doorway. You recognize it instantly. It’s Ben clearing his throat.

“Sorry. Am I interrupting something?” NEXT CHAPTER

Tags:  @calling-dips-on-j-hope​ @ghostkat23​ @cuteipat​  @marianeamine​     @thisisval​         @almonte12​    @themisunderstoodblackswan​ 

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-10-15

More Homestuck, continuing directly from last time.  Gonna Bang Out A Liveblog Quick (GbOALq)…

No chapter title this time, just straight continuation.  (By the way, I didn’t reblog it so spoilers don’t headline my blog but this post regarding last upd8 is delightful)

> (==>)

Okay, this makes more sense as to why they both disappeared -- Vrissy is either trying to get her back or is going along and just being grousy about it, or one under the pretense of the other or the like.

By the way, if Rose specifically planned in a way that involved telling Vriska to sit on the sidelines and not doing anything, shouldn’t she ABSOLUTELY KNOW, one-hundred percent with a combination of her Seer of Light powers and common sense, that Vriska will Not Do That?  --so whatever Vriska is about to do I’m going to assume Rose has accounted for it, unless she’s like...

...sworn off using her powers much, or something.  That would super suck and I would hate for that to be in this story regardless of themes.

Vriska Maryam-Lalonde, recently "Vrissy," and potentially "You Are So Grounded You Are Never Leaving The House Again," isn’t what’s commonly referred to as an "outside girl".

She likes grass. It’s fine! To look at. And so are trees, as long as they’re somewhere off in the distance, swaying gently in the breeze. Trampling through them is not on the list of acceptable tree activities. Vrissy is already sweaty and dirt-streaked, and there’s probably like fifty gnats trying to drink her eye fluids. At this rate she almost envies Tavros his role as Batterwitch Bait. Sure, he has to pretend to be threatened by Vrissy’s mom, which is lame as hell and also very embarrassing, but at least his eye fluids are safe.

So she’s fine with this in principle, just not with the work involved? Or--

VRISSY: Hey, can you slow Down a Little? VRISSY: I have to run over Shru8s and shit, I can’t Fly! VRISKA: Hah! And who’s fault is that???????? VRISSY: My shitty 8iology I guess! VRISSY: Sorry, not all of Us had SGRU8 Sessions to make ourselves Immortal. VRISKA: Well, we’ll take care of that, don’t even worry a8out it. VRISSY: Lol I wish.

Oh Christ, we really should have seen it coming.  OF COURSE VRISKA is going to get her hands on a copy of the Game and try and have these kids play it, regardless of whatever meteor-based consequences to this happy society.  FUCK.  She doesn’t even see any reason to hide it!

--reading on, some discussion of how people on Earth C view the ability to fly unaided as a sort of religious thing so shot down Roxy’s idea of letting everyone fly.  Why does society always keep trying to shut down Roxy all the time

VRISKA: Really, we have to get you a god tier. That’s pretty much the only solution at this point. VRISKA: Ideally we’d go back to when you were a wiggler and start your training right away, 8ut that’s not exactly an option. So god tier it is. VRISSY: Is that even Possi8le? outside of the Game? VRISKA: Nope. 8ut we don’t have to worry a8out that, once we get back into SGRU8. VRISSY: What???

This is what you get for letting Vriska back into your story:  She starts another meteor apocalypse and destroys your Happily Ever After.  Fuck.

VRISKA: We have to start this shit over again, you have all let it get so out of hand there’s really nothing to do besides a hard reset.

NO.  Fuck you.  You just don’t like hard work.

(I know everything is accidentally going to end up working out “alright” whatever happens, but even if Vriska’s self-aggrandizing malfeasance HAPPENS to be the cause of it, I really, really don’t want her fucking ideology to be the cause of it.  She shouldn’t be Aesma of Kill Six Billion Demons mythology, she’s had too many flirtations with ACTUALLY learning a lesson and BEING EARNEST ABOUT IT to be the selfish chaos at the heart of victory and living.)

(Yes, I recently caught up with KSBD and it’s awesome.)

> (==>)

VRISKA: This is a perfect spot for a fight. An am8ush point. VRISSY: !! VRISKA: Don’t worry about it, that’s good. That’s what we’re looking for.

Vriska leveraging her luck and assuming they’ll be followed when she wants to be.

> (==>)

That’s a really, really damn good waiting-for-an-ambush image.  Pretty hilarious.

(Still having a background mental fit about how this HS2 crew might REALLY be trying to make Vriska the Aesma of the Homestuck “universe” which is just aaaAAAUGH NOBODY SHOULD WANT THAT.  I’ll be really unhappy with the end product of THIS ENTIRE HS2 PROCESS if they pull that shit, no matter what side benefits there are or how happily it ends.  Hell, ESPECIALLY if it ends happily.  They’re having fun elevating her somewhat more than most people agree she deserves but they shouldn’t elevate her TO THAT LEVEL. EDIT3: More discussion on that here if you don't know what I mean.)

> (==>)

VRISKA: This is actually way more fun than I thought it would 8e. VRISKA: 8ringing around a younger, dum8er me. VRISSY: I think we’re 8asically the Same Age. VRISKA: Whatever!

(Fuck you!)  :)

> (==>)

wait what the fuck--

MANDATED HAIRSTYLES?????

what the fuck!???

EDIT: plausible theory here

> (==>)

Vrissy is that fuzzy dice kind what the hell

> (==>)

Circle, fifteen guys, no special significance that i can detect

> (==>)

Oh is War Shit kinda poppin off alongside the whole church thing?

> (==>)

Colorful ship design, weird zoomout frame transition; something wasn’t smooth with that

Anyway is orbital bombardment gonna happen or?

> (==>)

JOHN: vriska! JOHN: i mean, vriskas!! JOHN: where are JOHN: oh fuck

yeap

> (==>)

Is John flying out under the ship away from the house?  That’s really irresponsible.  (And abruptly transitioned, I didn’t realize it happened at first.  KEYFRAME THINGS BETTER AUGH)

--why is that belly button window still there?  I thought we had a line about Harry fixing his outfit, or at least having the capability to, did they not have time to finish?  Let me check, that’s bugging me:

HARRY: plus i wouldn’t have been able to get your measurements for some clothes that actually fit you if we hadn’t come back here where all my sewing stuff is.

Oh GOT IT.  Harry TOOK his measurements, but hasn’t fixed his outfit yet.

> (==>)

JOHN WHY DID YOU GO ALL THE WAY TO THE CHURCH WHO THE FUCK IS PROTECTING THE KIDS

> (==>)

Okay you’re back at Your House instead of Roxy’s house?

What, going to fight the ship or

I mean you could but you’re kind of forgetting what was the most important damn thing a few panels ago you jackass

> (==>)

Is that a bomb or fucking take out??

Why blow up John’s HOUSE that’s just so petty

> (==>)

ka-house

(pretty)

about time John stopped languishing in his childhood home instead of living life, anyway.

> (==>)

(o no i didnt want john to be sad tho)

it’s fine, he’ll be angry next panel or so

> (==>)

UM THE WHOLE SKY IS GETTING DARK???? HOW LONG ARE YOU SITTING HERE AND LETTING THIS BURN OUT???

HOW MANY HOURS ARE YOU LEAVING THOSE KIDS UNPROTECTED YOU GOLDFISH MEMORY CHUCKLEFUCK

> (==>)

APPARENTLY ALL OF THE HOURS BECAUSE IT’S NIGHT NOW YOU ASS

and that’s the last panel

yknow if we are going to have an arc about john learning to be a slightly more responsible parent it would help if it SHOWED HIM LEARNING ANYTHING

GOODNIGHT

EDIT2: Anonymous asked: "I think the whole "John watches his house burn down" is more him coming to terms with who Jane has become. In the last update they mentioned how Rose(I think it was Rose) baited Jane into believing John and the kids were hiding out at his place, and Jane just destroyed it, so he's coming to terms with the fact that she just tried to kill not only John and Vriska, but the kids too."

Oh shit. I forgot about that from the previous update: "JOHN: but rose sent out some false intel about us heading toward my house, so technically this is the safest place we can be right now, since they cleared the area and everything." He really does have to come to terms with the fact that Jane just tried to murder them all, too, so shit is definitely real.

...Which makes the fact that he didn't rush off to guard the kids in response to THAT NEW FACT still pretty galling, but.

[discoveringenterprise]

“RYAN WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO?!” and other shit you might wonder

First off: I am so sorry for disappearing off of the face of the earth oh my god

Second off: I’m going on an indefinite hiatus as of Sundayish. Yes, you read that right, an indefinite hiatus. All the content on the blog will stay for our enjoyment, and I fully authorize use of my gifs anywhere and everywehre

Third off: if you’re struggling rn, shit gets better, PLEASE trust me on this.

TLDR of this post; I got better, so can you, and I’m heading out.

ENT GC: let me know if you want admin. Do what you want with the blog, and if you wanna make a new group chat, please do so since I won’t be around to add people.

How can I contact you/get your contact info before you go? Dallyn and Daphne have my contact info so if you ever need to reach me and I’m gone... yeah. Like I said, I’ll be heading out Sundayish, so I’ll periodically log in here if you wanna talk to me/get my info before I go.

What’s your actual name? That... that’s a long story, too. LMAO. Especially if you know me. DM me for the story if you know me.

Why are you leaving? So, as you guys know, I started college, which is completely and utterly whack. Everything is changed, everything is different and I have friends now? Like, WTF. I’ve been so wrapped up in work it took me forever to get on here after Dallyn texted me “your account got hacked” so... oops. I let everyone into the ent gc (oh my GOD i look back at that and have a love/hate relationship with it!) and let me know if you figure out a way to make admins on it??? I’m confused AF.

I’m going to be focusing off college and staying off Tumblr for a while. It was 2 am technically today and I was reading all my old posts like “jfc I was so depressed???” and now I’m just... not. I made friends, real friends, over the summer. People who understand and get it (and yes some of them are ent stans.)

Why did you disappear in May and why are you leaving again? Shortly put, and I don’t mean to sound mean, I made real friends. Real as in I will physically interact with them in real life (aka college friends). I kind of weaned off Tumblr slowly, and only kept going back for the ent gc (I LOVE YOU GUYS THOUGH!!!). And it kinda became a drag.

When I came back to Tumblr, it was like late January and early February. I’d just got out of the Instagram rping world and was so tempted to start one here, but I was scared and intimidated, and I’m glad I didn’t. Breaking off rp was the best thing I’d ever done for myself, and the best thing that this toxic girl ever did for me. My shitty mental health had been kinda dependent on this rp, it’s hard to explain, but I was being a jerk and kinda had been since freshman year with projecting my feelings onto my character’s and blurring the lines far too much between me and her. She was (and is!) still hella overpowered, hella perfect, and something that would absolutely never happen in canon.

Honestly, this whole situation was basically the lyrics to the song Clarity ft. Foxes by Zedd. I love that song, go give it a listen.

Point being, I got myself off of that once I realized. The problem had started in January 2017, ran through October 2017, and then took a hiatus until junior year but only started to really manifest itself in February 2019. And honestly, mainly when school started back, in September/October 2019 and lasted until January 4 when she and I had our last fight. (She messaged me again, later- here- and since making that post, we’ve ended things on neutral terms.)

So I came here. Tumblr. I’d been here in 2017 right after the OTHER rp ended, and I think Tumblr became my new outlet then, too. I was a baby in the middle of my freshman year then. And then there I was, coming full circle. As a senior in high school. I read all of my old posts about how I’d never make it, and there I was. I’d made it. The end of HS was in sight.

I straight up vibed through all of May. Now, I was slowly making friends in college already, but it only really took off in April and May, which is when I left. I focused more on those, building those connections. I loved you guys on Tumblr, I still do, but I was definitely going to meet these college friends. And as I pulled my head out of Tumblr, I got a job, an actual paying job , in June- and I was already gone.

As I looked back on my posts last night/this morning I was thinking “oh my GOD what the fuck” because jfc, Tumblr had turned into the place where I vented. And then as I got through the months, I became happier. The pandemic was around, duh, and I didn’t have as much school stressing me out, there wasn’t as much craziness around. I was free, I didn’t have people from high school to deal with, and I got better on my own.

YEAH, I was talking to a college guy. And yeah, that was nice, but it was more of a side thing. He was my friend, and he played me, but I learned to be myself. Learned to love Enterprise wildly and give absolutely no fucks.

And it is oh so nice to give zero fucks. It’s an amazing feeling. I hope everyone gets there someday. And yeah, I’ve had moments where people don’t like me, and moments where I’ve felt down, depressed. That’s not saying life is always perfect 100% of the time.

But what I’m trying to say is: it gets better. And to me, Tumblr was like a crutch. Sometimes you need it to help you stand, but when you think you always need it, and can stand on your own, that’s where the problem is. In May, I became confident enough to let the crutch go. And I’m thankful that I did that.

I still love you guys, everyone reading this post, the people that know me and are going to miss me. It’s not that I hate this website or anything- I just stopped using it as a crutch, you know?

Where can I read this crazy fanfic? DM me, haha. It’s the classic “self-insert but NOT a self-insert” fanfiction originating form a fifth grade idea, reformatted by my depressed fourteen-year-old self. And I wouldn’t change it for the world. Yes, it’s Star Trek.

I also have one for the girl’s relative, too, which IMO is much better. She’s less overpowered, more of a real human being.

So why mention the fanfic and RP? It’s weird; I’ve come full circle. I wanted to be this perfect girl, and then I planned how she’d finish her story (and I’m finishing it. I am, I promise, because she’s a part of me that I wouldn’t trade for anything). As I’ve taken a break from the E/AP-verse (my public nickname for it haha, someone found out here) I’ve realized again, I came full circle.

All I wanted back then was to be happy and I thought a guy would do it. Popularity, a bunch of friends, a “hot body” (btw FUCK BODY SHAMING and you’re all perfect) and all that BS that the media tells you. What really gives you happiness (or at least me)? Confidence. The fact that I know I have friends I can count on here. Yeah, a relationship is nice, but complete yourself before you get into one.

And when I planned my OC’s ending back in February, that’s what she got. She’s married in my head now, to her (and my!) perfect guy, but the important part is that she’s happy, and she’s herself before she got married. Before she got in her relationship.

So, yeah. I think that covers it. In all honesty, if you have more questions, send them to the ask box and I’ll tag them and all this as “ry’s goodbye” and update my nav page. It’s 12:39 AM so please excuse any typos!

Bye, guys. For now, at least.

I love you.

[redefiningthirtysomething]

Ever have a family member that you didn't like? so much so that if they weren't related to you, you would never even consider being their friend? I have one, and that's my little sister. Sad isn't it? It wasn't always this way.

Before I get into why we don't speak, I'm not coming from a place of judgement. I'm nobody to judge, which she doesn't understand. She thinks I judge her, but in all honesty she has made poor Choices and she doesn't take accountability. I decided to set boundaries with her and that makes me "judgy" apparently.

Let's call her Rain. Rain is 5 years younger than me, so that makes her 32. She's the baby of the family and has really taken that title to the next level. This girl has always been the "crazy" one, partying a lot, following bands on tour in Mexico, boy crazy ... always getting her way. That's ok too, as long as she was always being safe. I understood that when she was 18, 19 ... 20. Rain talks a lot of shit for someone who doesn't have their shit together, and I swear it comes back to her each time. Whatever she was talking shit on happens to her.

Anyway, I can go on and on about her crazy childhood and teen years, I could probably write a book about it, time I dont have right now though. I'm just going to jump forward a bit.

2012. She went through a divorce a few years ago from the father of her kids. Very ugly, bitter divorce. Rain has 2 kids, a girl who's 10 and a boy who's 6. Rain got pregnant by a one night stand And they were forced to get married by his parents, they are very religious and felt it was the right thing. I didnt agree with that, but she went ahead and did it. They tried to make the marriage work, they got pregnant again with the boy, hoping it would help them. Rain was fed up though, she hated her life, she wanted to go out and party, be with her friends who were living their lives, but she couldn't. She hated it. She used to live next door to me, we lived in a small apartment in LA and when the neighbors moved we told them to apply for it and they got it. They lived there for about a year until one day Rain decided to leave. She took her kids and they moved in with my mom. Her husband was beside himself, he asked me for advice. I didnt know the ins and outs of the relationship, things are always different behind closed doors right ? She claimed that he beat her, he controlled her, abused her. He claimed she would sneak out to go party and didnt want to care for the kids. A lot of back and forth ... very different stories. So, he stayed in the apartment for about another year before he gave up and filed for divorce. He hoped she would come back, but she was very happy living her new life. She was living rent free and was able to go out, since our mom was home and able to watch the kids. Ok, cool.

Divorce was done and she was free. She started dating, sleeping around ... no judgement, she was single. As long as she was safe. BUT, we found out she moved some guy into my moms condo without my mom knowing. My mom works and travels alot, so it's easy for this to happen. But when my mom found out, she was upset, but didn't do anything about it. I was mad only because she has a little girl and she didn't really know this guy. Ya know? Plus the kids didn't have their own rooms, they slept with her. It was just weird for me. Anyway, couple years later they broke up and he moved out. Then another guy, and another one ... I didn't like the fact that her kids met all these new guys, or that she moved them in. It's like she cant be without a man.

Ex husband fought for 50/50 custody (thank God) and had them on the weekend. Every weekend. Also, ex husband got remarried but Rain doesn't get along with new wife. I wonder why to be honest, I met her and she's nice. I guess it's a territorial thing ? The kids love their stepmom, so that's all that matters.

Ok, now we are in 2018. I'm pregnant with Olivia. We had a falling out for a few months because she stole 2k from our mom. Not cool. They have the same name, so it was easy for her. So I hadn't spoken to her but the day I gave birth she showed up at the hospital. We spoke as if we were never in an argument. It's weird how sisters can do that, right ? I let it go, if mom didn't care why should I. After having Olivia my mom wanted me to stay at her place for 2 weeks so she could help me while I recovered. So, we moved in right after I got out of the hospital. First couple of days were nice, rain was there and was helping with the baby. Her kids were ecstatic to have us there, Bella was having a blast. I had heard of a new boyfriend that she had, but I hadn't yet met. She wanted to take it slow and not introduce him yet. I understand since all the rest were douchbag.

Rain received sad news about an ex boyfriend from high school who had been killed in a hit and run. I remember him, he was the sweetest. They had remained friends over the years so she was devastated. She planned to attend the funeral but didn't want to take her kids. Since I was staying there I offered to watch the kids, I didnt want them to have to go to the funeral.

Side note: I rarely offer to help with her kids because she never shows up the time she says. Also, I used to pick up the kids from school and I had to take them to my place until she got home, usually late and I had to help with homework and dinner. It was hard for us sometimes as we had things to do and we had to take her kids with us. However her kids love us, they say we are the parents they wish they had.

Ok, back to the story. She goes to the funeral.

Day 1: A few hours go by and it's getting later and later. I'm about 5 days post partum, so naturally I'm exhausted. Mom is at work, so we're just at my moms place hanging out. I text her, no response. I text again, no response. I'm starting to worry. I put all the kids to bed and assure the kids they'll see their mom in the morning. Around midnight my phone rings and it's an unknown number. I answered right away since I was worried about rain. It's one of rains old friend from high school who attended the funeral. He says to me that Rain had a lot to drink and was not able to get home. He says to me that she's ok, it was a rough day for all of them and he would bring her home in the morning. I had no choice, so I agreed and we hung up.

(Come to find out later that was her boyfriend on the line, pretending to be a friend from HS, she had left the funeral hours ago)

Day 2: We wake up and we get the kids ready for school. I'm still trying to get used to the new baby while juggling breakfast for the kids. Her kids kept asking about mom, so I told them she was at her best friend's house because it got late. Eli drove all the kids and then left for work. I'm home all day at my moms, had a few visitors wanting to see the baby. No word from Rain yet. No word from Rain all day. Eli picks up all the kids after school and brings them home. We make dinner and play, while attempting to call and text Rain for an answer. Mom is calling Rain leaving voicemails telling her to get her ass home. No call backs and no reply. We all go to bed. Around 2 am I heard my bedroom door open but it was dark and I could not see, I heard keys and the front door close. It took me a minute to get up, post csection, it's hard. Who was here?

Day 3: woke up, its daylight and bright in the house. I go to the kids room, maybe Rain showed up last night, maybe shes asleep. I walk in to see the kids asleep, but no Rain. I walk into her closet and I see stuff has been taken, shoes and clothes. I look for a toothbrush and it's gone. Perfumes, gone. Hmmm did Rain come last night to get her stuff ? I text Rain, now I'm mad. I'm frantically texting her that she better reply and I threaten to call ex husband. Oh? Guess what ? I got a reply. Interesting.

She texted something along the lines of: hey, its Rain. Sorry I haven't texted you. I'm having a rough time with S death. I need some time. I feel so lost. I'm with J at his place (J is her new boyfriend) . Are you ok to watch the kids, I'll be back. I'll text you.

My response: uh, well yea I mean I guess bit what should I tell them ? When are you coming back? Look, I know this is rough so I'll hang on to them until tomorrow, cool ?

I got no response after that, but at least I know she was ok. I updated mom and middle sister and we all felt better but were still shocked about how inconsiderate she was being.

Day 4: no text or phone call at all. We get the kids to school, pick them up, get homework done. Kids shower and go to bed. Her daughter who was maybe 7 or 8 at the time was worried. She was texting her too, I read her messages : mom, please come home. Where are you ?

I was so mad at this point. Her daughter was so worried and slept at the foot of the bed every night waiting for her mom. So Infuriating. I'm still exhausted and in pain.

I get a call from cousin in Florida, at around 10 pm which his time was 1am. He calls me and asks me what's going on? I had not yet told him what was happening so I was wondering what he was referring to. Rain had just called him. She was drunk out of her mind in DTLA in some bar, she was crying and yelling about how she Hates her life, how she Hates being a mom and Hates everything. Cousin told her to calm down and that he would call me to go pick her up in DTLA. We called her back on three way but cousin told me to be quiet. I listened to that mess for 30 minutes before I had to hang up. She was yelling and cussing, she told him NOT to tell me because I'm judgy ass bitch, wanna be perfect mom and I'll talk shit to her.

At this point, I'm over her. How can she do this to her kids? To me ? I'm over here, still freaking bleeding after my delivery, making sure her kids are safe and fed and loved. While she's out partying ? At bars ? I called cousin back and told him that I will not go get her in DTLA.

Day 5: I think this was a Thursday now, we had picked up the kids from school and went to shakeys pizza for dinner. No texts or calls from Rain all day. I was considering calling ex husband since the weekend was getting close. But, I remembered that he lost his weekend privileges for hitting the little boy. I didn't know what to do at this point.

Side note: little boy has behavior issues, he's been held back from kindergarten for his behavior and bad grades. He spit in his step moms face and ex husband hit him with a belt that left a mark. Rain took him to court to get full custody. He didnt lose the kids however, he had to attend parenting and anger management classes, which he did and his case was dismissed.

Day 6: no word yet. I texted her boyfriend and I told him to bring her home. I told him she has worried children. I asked him if he knew she has 2 kids at home. Want to know what his reply was?

Thank you for your concern.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN !!! ??? Really?? A big fat Fuck You. I think at this point my blood pressure rose, I got heated and my neck started to pound. I cried out of frustration and sadness for my niece and nephew. I thought, what if I adopt them ? I thought about bringing them with me to AZ? Ex husband would fight me for them though. I called friends for advice. I asked middle sister for guidance. Everyone told me to report her to child protection services. But I couldn't because of the fear they would take the kids to a foster home. At that time I couldn't take them to my place. It was small and would not meet criteria for 2 extra kids. Nobody could take them if we needed. I prayed about it.

I had my finger in the phone ready to call CPS, but I couldn't do it. My mom begged me not to she begged me to continue to help with the kids until Rain got home. She told me we needed to help her, she was not ok. I didnt call them. I couldn't. I love those kids. I couldn't put them through that.

I texted Rain in one final attempt. I told her she needed to pick up her kids from school and if she did not then I was going to report her. No answer.

Turns out I didnt have to. Daughter spoke to a counselor at school and the school reported it. When Eli went to pick up the kids they did not release them to him, CPS was there. They called me shortly after and asked me what was going on. I explained to them. They called ex husband but since he couldn't take them at the time due to court restrictions they asked his parents to take them. His parents home did not meet criteria and they were taken to a foster care for the night.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I cried that night. I cried so hard. I was so mad. I was infuriated. How can she do this to them ? Did I fail them ? They must have been so scared. I had my new baby in my arms, breastfeeding and crying for those kids when I should have been enjoying every second with Olivia. I went home that night. I couldn't stay at my moms anymore.

Day 7: I wake up in a fog, still upset from the night before. I check my phone and I had a missed call from middle sister. I called her back and she tells me Rain was able to get her kids back last night from CPS and she is at home. How did that happen I ask ? Middle sister said that she thought I called CPS last night and told them it was all a misunderstanding and I was just upset about babysitting for a few hours.

What? I didn't call ...

Someone impersonated me. She had someone call pretending it was me ... that really scared me.

I called my mom and she said yes, Rain has the kids. CPS apparently asked my mom if this was true that Rain had been gone only for a few hours and my mom totally covered for her.

My mom reason behind it was because she doesn't want the kids to go to a foster home.

I didnt speak to my mom for 2 months after that call.

A couple days after that I received a text from Rain and she basically told me off and told me that she can't believe I reported her. I told to her that I did not make the call...but I should have. We completely blocked each other from everything. She told everyone we know, friends and relatives that I reported her. That's fine, I'll take it.

Get this though, this girl can't get it together to save her life. She has now lost custody of the kids to ex husband. After so much drama, her showing up late for drop offs and pick ups, showing up drunk, starting fights with new wife, picking kids up late from school ... ex husband documented everything and he got a video of her drunk at pick up. The kids now live with him in a house and are doing so well. They're so happy. They chose to live with dad. Oh and the things the kids told the judge, so sad. Apparently she doesn't even cook for them. She's allowed visitation every other weekend. She still lives with my mom, has NO job, no goals... she just parties and hangs out with that douch.

My mom was out of town when this court meeting happened and Rain lost the kids, so nobody actually heard why she lost them. Apparently she told mom that it was because of me, that the judge said MY NAME and that I wrote a letter or some bullshit. And my mom question me about it. First of all, so not true, they cant just use my name and say things without me being there, seriously. I wonder about my mom sometimes.

Ex husband allows me to talk to the kids whenever I want. He was the only person who thanked me for keeping his kids safe and loved. And yes he did ask me for help in taking the kids from my sister, but I said no. I decided to stay out of that.

That is something that I will never ever forgive my sister for. What she put me though, my family... and what she put her kids through. I'm not a perfect mom, not at all, but you just dont do that. And although I see her around at gatherings or holidays, we dont speak. She's not there, I completely ignore her. I go about my time with the family. I have a very strong set boundary with her and she knows it.

She knows that I didnt report her but she needs someone to blame. She cant accept her fault, but she knows. We know.

[luvdsc]

ohh, sorry for the late reply, but ive been super busy studying and everything bc i had exams coming up :( anyway, im pretty much finished with school work for now!! YES! exchange students are just so mysterious and cool somehow because theyre only there for a couple months adfasd and ugh fratboys must suck :( they always seem so obnoxious in films afadf and, yeah, hs boys really arent that cute 🤧 your school just made an exception for those french boys huh?? i can only imagine how (1/4)

cute they had to be,, and, oh, yeah, i never even thought about how different it must be to go to a all girls hs! i really enjoy STEM subjects (is subjects the right word?) and im usually one of the few girls sitting in class and it really sucks :( and, oh, it was sooo nice to see my friends again!! it was weird not to hug them and everything, but it was nice to actually see them in person! and we all have to keep a safe distance, but at times its just impossible because theres isnt enough (2/4)

and too many people,, some also just dont really follow the rules which makes it even harder. but usually its not too bad because the classes are stretched out and only a couple classes go,, some dont have to attend at all,, and how was your friends' bday?? i hope you could still enjoy it somewhat? and, yeah, our school uses a really weird and unknown webcam platform for some reason?? its nice to hear it isnt humid bc the humidity is just the worst during the summer 🤧 and, yeah, we have(3/4)

snow but really little and only for a couple days,, but sometimes it snows really heavily and everything is white and sooo beautiful!! ✨ and, i watched their ps video!! i was really impressed by how creative they all were! and, im trying to make cinnamon rolls again! i absolutely love baguettes! how did they turn out? yeah more the better but they just grow HUGE and kinda ugly? ill look into that recipe! hope you got more sleep this week! did your prof accept your paintings? how are you? (4/4)

✿ ✿ ✿

omg no worries, i hope your exams went well!! 💓 and congrats on being done!!! the fact that they’re exchange students somehow makes them like 30% hotter??? ah yeah, a lot of my friends are in frats and they do have a few of those stereotypical traits associated with fratboys, but they’re very nice! of course, there are still those assholes here and there tho /: loool yeah, like those french boys had a cute accent, spoke french, and dressed well??? like wow their fashion was impeccable, unlike american boys ):

omg stem is great!!! (and yes, subjects is the right word!) yeah, unfortunately, there aren’t that many girls in stem ): i don’t think i really noticed that as much since all my classes were all girls, but 95% of my hs friends all went into engineering and other stem majors! do you want to go into stem? omg that’s great!!! it must’ve been wonderful to see other people :’) ah yeah, that makes sense. do you have to wear masks to school? do you have to come to school for all your classes specifically? or do you still have a few that you can take from home? 

my friend’s bday went well!! we played a bunch of games, like code names and cards against humanity :’) and then we had a mini party on her animal crossing island LOL ugh well, i hope your webcam platform is much better than zoom! my group mates and i spent like an hour trying to get it to work after the mandatory school update to it /: it doesn’t work for any of us now rip. omg does it get humid there for you? i’m so happy it doesn’t get humid here, like god bless the weather.

oooo that’s so nice!! i’m so jealous :o i wish it snowed where i live ): it must be absolutely gorgeous to wake up and see snowflakes right outside your window. LOL omg yeah, their photoshop skills are so good!! i need to brush up my skills lmao did you watch the one that’s like chopped where they’re given random ingredients to make a meal with? oooo tell me how it goes when you bake cinnamon rolls! 💓 and they actually came out really well!!! i’m pleasantly surprised, and i think i’ll be making more this week :’) asdflkjhasldjf hmm have you tried making mini cinnamon rolls before? i made those with my roommates before, so we wouldn’t feel bad about eating a gigantic one 😅 yeah, i definitely caught up on sleep over the weekend! and yes, he did!!! he really liked my painting a lot! i’ll be making two similar ones for my final 💘 and i’m doing well! i just have two more weeks of school until i’m officially done with school and graduating :’) i’ll be starting work mid august though rip. how have you been? what have you been up to, honey bee? 💞

[mlm-chanyeol-archive]

you know what? its 2:30 am, im feeling soft and im gonna make a positivity post for all my mutuals. i lov u guys. newer ones at the top n oldest ones at the bottom

@flowerallys we haven’t been mutuals long, but im glad we met because of the dreamie gc! you’re always so happy and i love talking to you <3

@yunjisunq im so happy to have found another ace stan <3 really, thank u for doing my donghun request?? you really made my month and inspired me to make stuff of my own and you’re really sweet and i love when you talk in ur tags!! thats my fave part of following ppl and it makes my dash a little brighter :)

@7deer-ofthe-dawn7 i followed you because one of the nct blogs i follow rbd a mutuals appreciation post bcs i thought i needed more xiuhan on my dash and im rlly glad you followed back!! you’re really nice and even though we dont talk too much its fun when we do! (i hope you’ve enjoyed the fics ive sent you!)

@pcyling man i remember us meeting up on vent and i just decided to message you bcs we both are chanyeol stans and im so glad i did bcs ur rlly funny and nice and we can just thirst over pcy together and just do fun stuff. thank u for not thinking i was weird for messaging you!

@kunpifook we dont talk but i like seeing you on my dash! you reblog a lot of my stuff which makes me smile <3 :)

@hellyeahtd we don’t talk either but thank you for blessing my tag with more topp dogg like it so desperately needs <3

@nctytrack we don’t talk but i remember you asking for more nct mutuals and while when i first followed you i wasn’t a big stan but i am now and i hope im making your dash a little brighter :)

@astros-mom @wonhosassflower maria maria maria ilu <3 im sorry for being a bitch in the gc all the time but ur rlly nice (even tho u blocked me at one point) and ur sweet and i like talking to you. im jealous u got to meet hyungwon tho i can now get a scale of how lanky he rlly is

@live-love-growamoustache niniiiiii we dont talk a lot but i like seeing u in the gc and u post a lot of good stuff <3

@fiizzy-pop tokkiiiiiiii my baby <3 i lov u ur so sweet and nice and helped me out with nct when i was first getting into them and you’re just so sweet and ur our little bun and i hope we can be friends for a long time <3

@youarenotmybias aa i love seeing you on my dash and you post a lot of good stuff!!!! ithinkurinthegcbuticantrememberwhoyouareoops

@99minseok aaaaa i jus lov seeing ur posts on my dash and i lov seeing minseok so much even tho hes not high on my bias list, and just seeing your name makes me smile :)

@ji-hey HEY FUCKER you dont post a lot but we talk a whole bunch and even tho ur mean sometimes to me and al i still love u and i just want to let u know in my time of weakness i think you’re really pretty and im glad we have the relationship we do <3 ur a really good friend soph

@tom-failure aa we dont talk too much anymore but i love seeing topp dogg on my dash and your art is really good and i hope you keep on drawing <3

@flanelltees flan.... mi lov.... you are one of my most treasured mutuals <3 you really mean so much to me and i love seeing you on my dash and i love your deadpan sense of humor and i love helping you start stanning groups and the way you come to me if you need help with something and i love your art, it really is one of the cutest art styles i have ever seen. you’re so talented and im so happy you decided to follow me back because its been so nice talking to you and i love our little jokes and while there are times where we dont talk for a week its always nice to talk to you because you’re so nice :) i lov u flan <3

@brnrnr-prstr we dont talk but again its always nice to see you on my dash :)

@husberttee aleexxxxx my man im so glad i followed you because talking to u was a v good choice :) as a fellow male nakta stan it was rlly nice to talk to you and while its hard to talk bcs of such huge time differences its still fun when we can and even tho you always post abt nugu groups who i have no clue about i still love seeing you on my dash :3

@4jooheon !!!!!! my most sweetest mutual ever!!!! i adore reading your tags when u talk abt jooheon and as a fellow jooheon stan it makes my heart sing bcs same!!!!!! hes our honey bee!!!!!! ive said that so much but its tru!!!!! you really make my dash so much brighter and i love sending you cute asks abt jooheon on anon bcs i love seeing ur reactions!!!!!!! you’re just so soft and i rlly lov u :( thank u for following me back and i hope one day i can reach your level of softness (also i feel relly bad bcs i never learned ur name!!!! ;;;;;)

@annlka annika...... aka sangdo’s wife..... i lov u a lot. your tags brighten up my dash as well and just!!!! i love following ppl who talk in their tags and when you talk abt sangdo it makes me all smiley bcs u just lov him so much and now you’re starting to lov minho just as much and i just LOVE how u tag sangdo as sunshine and minho as moonlight thats just????? so precious i lov ur lov for them and you’re just really nice and understanding too??? and i remember u bringing up the fact that i thought it was a mistake when you first followed me but im glad u did bcs im lucky to have a friend like u annika <3 :)

@dean-winchesters-bootycall even tho ur never on here i fucking.... love you so much ur such a good friend and my best irl friend and im so glad i met you rielle <3

@sweet-jae Al.... Alfie.... The love of my life..... my moon sun and stars.... my entire universe.... words cannot describe how much i love you. When i first followed you i would have never expected us to turn out like this but im so glad we did because it has changed my life for the better. i followed you because you were such a good writer and to this day the choice to go off anon when sending you asks was the best decision i have ever made. you followed me back and we started talking and talking and talking and then we moved over to twitter and when we felt sad we would spam each other pics of our biases and then we moved over to kkt and im pretty sure since that day we haven’t spent a day where we didn’t talk to each other. even if its a simple “good morning’ and “i hope you have a good day today” we still keep talking and along that point i fell in love. now we’re nearing half a year and i just want to say thank you for being there for me. thank you for always talking and updating me on random things because you are the best thing thats ever happened to me. I love you Al <3

@jungjeonkimin we used to talk but we dont anymore but you’re still rlly nice and i love seeing you on my dash!

@ruppels-fox Hi! I know we haven’t talked in like... forever because im not as much into mp100 as i used to be, but you’re a really good friend!!! i loved talking to you and im glad we could bond over mp100 together :) i still love seeing you on my dash

@hybridow1 bro... even tho we never talk and never really have i LOVE seeing you on my dash. you like my kpop posts and you’re a constant presence in my notes and i really i appreciate you dude. im glad we’re mutuals :)

@mushy-mooster Jas.... my baby...... i lov u a whole bunch. ur such a good friend and even though we’ve had our falling outs we’re still friends and the past school year really brought us closer together :) it was always so much fun to help you out with astronomy and i was thankful to have at least one person in the class i knew (and liked cough damien cough) and even tho you post abt dc which i frankly dont like i still love your posts bcs it makes you happy and that makes me happy :) you’re one of my best friends and im glad to have you in my life <3

@bluepandabear329 even if you’re never on here like gabrielle you’re another one of my best friends <3 you helped me through sophmore year and im so glad we became friends mel <3

@rhysymmetra rhys,,,, my man,,,,, we’ve been mutuals for a really long time and i love seeing you on my dash <3 we dont talk but you feel like an old friend and im glad i never unfollowed :) you’re really sweet!

@sanguis-ripam even tho we like... never interact ive been following you since you were trying to boost your go-fund-me for your top surgery, and its been so awesome to see you evolve from that into the man you are today and im really proud. you’re kind of a role model for me and im glad we’re mutuals :) sorry for spamming your dash with kpop lmao

@transmanlukeskywalker god... bro ive been following you since our google plus days. i remember you made a really gay oc like... fuckboy mctrash something and i still have drawings of him... you’re another one of my treasured mutuals and i hope you’re doing okay :) if you ever need anything just talk to me bro! <3

@terezi-py-rope god i think i staarted following you because we had a homestuck roleplay going on??? still we’ve been mutuals for-fucking-ever and even though you still like it and i look back and sigh its good to see you on my dash. hope you’re doing okay :)

@ugh-heterophobia Hey Sky <3 even though we just broke up and you’re not as active i like seeing you and we go way back <3 im glad we’ve stayed together as long as we have <3

@adorkablooderpy like terezi-py-rope im pretty sure we followed because of hs but ive never had the heart to unfollow and like seeing you on my dash :) 

@howmanyletterscaniputinmyurl first, impressive username. it always makes me chuckle. and we interact sometimes, but its always nice seeing you :)

AAAAAAND thats it. all of my mutuals. i just wanted to let you know i appreciate you all even though some of us never talk and others i am really good friends with. okay im done being sappy now ignore me akhdf

[brothalynchhung]

2018 overview

goddddd im so late lol i didnt forget about this blog I'm just active on my other account also I'm never uhhhh home and I'm so busy now god i feel like I'm losing myself and my youth hood from not updating here fml life got me fucked up

ANYWAYS 2018 was fucking crazy what the hell how did so much shit happen in one year

in the 2017 overview i talked about regretting and trying to make up time and ohhhh bitch.... looool

anyways lets start:

2018 immediately started with some bullshit

literally started 2018 turning up LMFAOOO

so it was a good start 

spent new years w old friends some shit ill never do again

hotel room bullshit, eating out, running around outside, late drives listening to early 2000s music

OMG the hotel jesus i remember now i started 2018 on that trash ass app

talking to weirdos

being liked by over 2000 people?

wow what fucking redemption from middle school and high school 

but like... i learned all men are fucking losers LMFAOO

had two weird ass “dates” aka not really since i dipped those things quick aFFF lmao

fuck my old dumb friends for encouraging me to do that shit lol

was funny tho so who cares

this time (january) last year i was

broke

depressed about gl, no job, hating school

i was sooo depressed like 2018 until june i was literally just depressed and borderline suicidal cuz not having a job and being broke as shit was stressing me out so much

i tried so hard to get a job anywhere but for some reason it wasn't working???

i met(?????) that bitch HB LMAFOOOOO

godddd that fucking 5 hours 3 am call

all that weird obsessing and calls we used to have LMFAO he was such a fucking hoe why did i even waste my time

AND I STILL HAVENT MET HIM IRL YET LMFAOFPJEWIOGHERUGHESU EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE TIME I SAW HIM AT CU AND EUIRHGEUISHRH INSANE

but yeah fuck him for calling me too thick but THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH

highly he was one the best things to happen to me in 2018?

he called me thick i got cheesed and 

I LOST 15+ POUNDS IN 2018 

honestly after years of saying ill lost weight ill lose weight I FINALLY FUCKING DID

god 2018 was honestly year of the grind

gym every single day

rip school gym LMFAOOO i lost all my weight there god bless

oh yeah i became vegetarian!! and now I'm vegan LMFAO plot twist?

JESUS REMEMBER WHEN HB SAID MY VOICE TURNED HIM ON I CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYGERYISEGHUIEHEIOS LMFAOOOO FUCK HIM THANKS FOR INSPIRING ME TO LOSE WEIGHT AND BE SEXY SO I CAN STUNT ON ALL U UGLY ASS MEN

anyways he weirdly kept on trying to hit me up even after he called me too thick infront of the boys (to which they still defended me shout out boys) fucking loser... i shut him down lol

ntcntcjkjkntcjkntcjkjk lol

brockhaamptoonn

threw up from that night i got too drunk LMFAO what an experience never again

i turned up too much in 2018 -_____- i don't even like it wtf

was a lot of fun tho like thats what i wanted right? reclaim my time i lost in hs/early uni because those hoes we don't speak of

i really didnt do shit other than obsess over being broke depressed and missing gl in the beginning of 2018 sooo.. lets just... fast forward? god what a weird ass year

and going to the gym everyday

counting calories

i need to start doing that shit again cuz I'm actually terrified i might be 120 again after fucking dubai

my old ass friends who i basically used to make up for my regret and reclaim my youth from high school was basically all of the beginning of 2018 . yes thanks for the memories thanks for helping relive my past that i lost . thanks. ur appreciated it was fun

but fuck y'all cuz y'all never had anything in common with me and y'all r embarrassing and boring . i was the exciting and better one 

also fuck y'all for letting me down . after y'all fucked off i got successful 

when i obsessed over that ugly weird guy in my phi classes and then i saw him up close and he was UGHLYLYYK GHU AND WEIRD AF 

and he was on my tip crazy with his weird low key fetishing internally racist bullshit LMFAOOO

i think the fuck not

he's still in one of my classes now i gotta spend the whole semester avoiding him IFNWFUWifhqfuwighau

god

discovered my love for white rabbit

finally finished that lonely ass semester

went straight into summer school w/zainb

love her ass lol

wait was 2018 the year i ran into that weird at the mall who tried to kiss me withing 10 minutes of meeting me at bubble tea? LMFAOOO WHAT A FREAK GOD 

my fucking life fam istg

watching hxh ugh best time ever

got a job!!! 

GOT ANOTHER JOB!!!

TWO AT ONCE and one of them was so crazy good for my career 

to the point where I'm STILL in contact with them

seriously getting a job changed the year for me so much

got out of my bad depression starting making money

straight grind

work gym 

BOUGHT EVERYTHING I WANTED.

LITERALLY EVERYTHING

ALESIS . STUDIO SET UP . LOEWE BAG. AND MORE EVERYTHING I WANTED AND I LOST WEIGHT

like i accomplished everything????

its like the beginning of the 2018 year was me gearing up and mentally readying myself for when i fiINALLY GOT A JOB and then i accomplished everything i wanted

yo i was working 3 jobs and that catfish hip hop class 

LFMAOOOOO THAT HIP HOP COURSE OMGG LMFAOEJGUIE ICONIC

i killed that shit lmao😂

met that weird ugly kid that was talking all this bullshit about us being the same and him thinking he had a chance w me LMFAOOO okay sure there

all cuz of fucking r and her high school esque bullshit

honestly fuck her LMFAOO i don't wish her anything just fuck off after all the bullshit since middle school you put me thru 

her and her ugly ass bf i had to deal with god I'm so happy she's out of my life

used you to make up from lost time 😂 i don't need u anymore Im at peace with myself BYE 

i don't even feel sentimental when i was run or i need u like i finished the book and i closed that shit and i feel better like i got so much closure this year

sister got married suwhoooo 

weird encounter w dal? tf? girl bye you've been dead to me since 2012 LMFAOO

so much people i really don't give a fuck about

honestly in 2018 i just lost all my fucks and only focused on me 

it gonna stay like that

made so much new friends i cant even name them all 

love all my work friends club GANG

chilling w hec and crew gang gang

oh yeah that taurus bitch i got confused feelings over and wasted my time 

cut his annoying ugly weird ass off lol but whatever lost time reclaimed it was very 2011-13 esque

got rid of everything from my sunken period thank god

got rid of so much shit

the closure/transformation was real

anyways uhhh so yeah so then fall semester started just continued working and gaming 

 lowest i got was 113 but idk wat i am now :( I'm so scared i really don't want to be over 115 but I'm like always bloated so I can never check I'm so sad rn

cut off annoying friends fuck them i have new better ones and i love myself

jjkjkjkjknctncjtkcktn lol 

good music good book watched so much movies

I SAW BROCKHAMPTON JCOLE THE GORRILAZ THE INTERNET DELASOUL AND BLOOD ORANGE LIVE!!! BITCH WAT THE FUCK ALL IN ONE YEAR

toronto trip!! mil trip!!! all on my own fucking amazing

end of 2018 was so good omg 

ran into 2% jfc

drunk called 2% lMFAOOO god just said sorry for nothing lmao i just want gl I'm clinging on to anything

OH YEAH that ugly broke bitch who wasted my time and objectified me yeah fuck him 

if he didnt do that disrespectful ass shit i wouldn't have called 2% ugh god

never using that trash app ever again 

ended 2018 in dubai 

YSL LOEWE ALL ON ME???? YES BITCH 

didnt feel like a failure in dubai stunt on everyone

ended this year amazing

really looking forward to 2019

looking forward to losing weight -____________- still

looking forward to money

accomplishing goals

getting closer to gl

FINISHING FUCKING SCHOOL FINALLY 

just happiness.. 

I'm happy. 2019 I'm ready lets fucking go. gl lets go . I'm on my way

went from broke hopeless no job depressed to thriving beautiful UP TO 4 JOBS everyone can fuck off

[musicjunky1989]

zomg. hi.

I’m back. It’s been basically 6 months since I last processed life via this blog. I’m sure everyone was very concerned about my whereabouts... haha 

I’ve been livin’ fam. Ok, let’s hit the big areas: personal and professional life. 

Alright, personal life. I moved into a new house. It’s soooooo much closer to my bestie and work (for now- we will talk later..). It’s got a fenced in backyard for the dogs - aka, they fucking love it here. Winnie’s new thing is to stand in the kitchen at the back door and either a) huff and puff until someone notices OR b) just straight up whine. It’s a beautiful thing though because I just let them out, they run around for a while and when they are tired or thirsty, they are at the back door ready to come in. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL THING Y’ALL. 

I’m almost completely unpacked from the move - like a week and a half ago. Living, dining, kitchen, 1st floor bathroom, and my bedroom are all done. That 1st floor guest room is quite the space to just put shit you’re unsure about. It’s got everything from my entire guest bed set, camping gear, a food saver, wall decor/art, music stuff, my “memories” (a tub that holds every picture of me from my childhood, HS graduation stuff, music awards, etc.), old books, my dog crates, etc. Lots of shit ok. I think that’ll be my project over the next week. I want to get things set up in the guest room, all my camping/”memories”/holiday decorations/music stuff/etc. put up in either a closet or up one of the closets upstairs. 

My best friend is such a BADASS that she basically designed my entire house already (for funzies...I know, be jealous) and also helped me a tremendous amount. We’ve painted the living room, dining room, and kitchen. All those areas as completely setup and decorated, except for this old fridge “hole” - she has something fun planned for that. My room and the 1st floor bathroom are both setup, but not painted or decorated. I actually had a pretty good time setting up my room. I was worried about where I was going to put my desk. For now, it is downstairs in my room and I’m glad. I don’t think I’d use it upstairs right now, since there isn’t much up there. 

Oh yea. There is an upstairs. wtf. it’s awesome. 2 bedrooms, 1 full bath (with an interesting shower situation), and something like a media room... So much space. So the plan is for now is to store stuff I rarely use up on the 2nd floor and set up a 2nd guest room or “suite”, which I might potentially rent out for Air B&B. Not sure about that. We shall see. 

But eventually, the plan is for the guy I’m “seeing” (that is such an accurate description of us. We do a lot of seeing of each other through FaceTime since we live hundreds of miles apart haha) to eventually move here. So one of those rooms up there would become his gaming lair. I even made sure the internet hook up works in that room so he can get setup :) 

We are good, happy, missing each other, in love, determined to try to make our relationship work. Which, I’ve thought a lot about and here’s what I’ve decided: I want to experience love as much as I can in my life. So right now, I have this yearning for this amazing human, this goofy ass smile that comes across my face when I see/talk to/think about/mention/am reminded of/etc him, an excitement for the future that I haven’t had in a really long time or maybe ever? Still trying to unearth all of that confusion from my marriage. But, we are so good :) Hopefully within about a year we will be in the same city, place, house, etc. 

I’m sure people will have all the opinions, but as I start making big life decisions for myself and having to truly think about what I want, I care seriously about 4ish people’s opinions...so keep that shit to yourself otherwise. I’ve been really exploring (reading, watching, writing about, etc) feminism recently, and I think for me the most radically feminist thing I can do for myself right now, in this time of my life, is to live my life completely for myself. Be unapologetic about choosing myself over and over again. Damn, that felt radical just typing it. This is new for me, it’s hard honestly. But I’m working on it. 

Ok, professional. I’ve really loved teaching math. Honestly. I’ve loved changing kids minds regarding math, I’ve loved influencing curriculum choices for an entire school regarding math and math instruction, I’ve loved having residents and helping a first year teacher find their “teacher legs” - stance, voice, heart, etc. But, I do not see an upward movement for me at my current school. That makes me so sad. I love my school, my kids, my colleagues (mostly.........) my community, etc. What I do not love is some of the promoting choices the school has made over the past few years, and as part of my new radical feminist agenda - I’m going to choose myself. 

So I did two things: I enrolled in grad school, which I start next week :D for educational leadership, and I’ve been going through the process of applying to be an assistant principal. I’ve been through I think 4/5 of the process: application, phone interview, in-person interview, data analysis, role playing, school site visit, etc. So lots, and I haven’t told anyone at school (hey, if that’s you. be cool, please :) ) or my family - sorry......., because I don’t want to get my hopes up too high. Hopefully I’ll know soon so that I can tell my school as soon as possible if I’m leaving. I do not want to leave them stranded for a math teacher if I will not be returning. And, I’ll have to tell the resident program I work with that I won’t be able to mentor this coming school year. I feel super shitty about all of this, because I don’t want to cause an issue with the people/organizations I’ve grown to love and have spent so much time with, and also don’t want to say anything until I know for sure. ugh. I’m choosing myself. I’m choosing to believe/honestly know that people do this all the time. It is part of running an organization - turnover, sudden changes. I just am a total enneagram 2 and don’t want to completely rock the boat. 

ROCK THE GODDAMN BOAT SELF. ugh. I’m choosing myself, so it’s ok to rock the boat. 

It’s tough, peeps. 

So, I’ll be back soon -promise. I’ll update you on the job thing and how grad school is going. I’ll keep choosing myself and reminding myself that I’m ready to rock the goddamn boat. lolz. 

byyyyyeee

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #10: “He wanted to have this ginormous dick energy" - Brian

Well losing Keaton wasn't in the plan. He was one of my closest allies. I may have screwed things up with Brian. Maybe if I can come up with a lie good enough, we could believe me. Sharky knows that I liked Keaton so maybe theres still trust there. Hopefully. Im still working with Nathan but hopefully he still wants to work with me even though Keaton is gone. I know for sure that I have Bryce. At least that's one ally but who knows.

OKAY OKAY OKAY. Thank fucking GOD. Everything worked out. All the other votes were for Matt so there is no question who is a liar. Because everyone is a liar. But it doesn't matter because our plan worked. Matt is still here. I'm still here. AND KEATON IS NOT!!! Now of course everybody is scrambling to apologize to me. Nick is like oh it was so last minute. Maynor is like "i liked you both so it would keep you both". Nathan is spewing some nonsense. Bryce honestly kind of owned up and laughed it off which tbh i respect. And of course my girl Anna checked in and I told her we are golden. Because we are. Anna was 100% up front with me about this plan so I trust her A LOT now. I told her Brian and I didn't tell Matt about the plan, which is a lie, but it's the smart thing to tell her because it keeps her from being put in another tough position. And I never told Matt Anna was the leak. So Anna should be safe from any fallout after this vote. Nothing to do now but move forward and hopefully Matt or I win immunity and the FB Bois can carry on.

Update: I'm sure as hell not winning immunity because I only got 3 out of 25. Embarrassing. Physical threat who?

Bryce is my final 2.  There, I've said it.  I'm 100% solid on this man as my fellow finalist!  I really hope that we are able to navigate our way to finals together... like, we have our plans, we spilled all the tea... basically Nick and Maynor just continuously lied to me, and like... idk... I feel like Bryce could be lying, but I just feel too good about this connection that I think it's a real final deal.

So fuck me with a spoon and call me Sally because I finally feel amazing about an ally to the end.

Also, we have our "potential vote order."

8. Nick - A goat that could just be brought to the end.  He's not too bad, but he's also someone who could easily replace me in the Sharky-Matt-me trio. 7. Annabelle - Break her duo with Nathan up while also breaking her trust circle with Sharky.  I think it would be ideal for me to take her out now. 6. Sharky - He's the biggest threat and you can't keep the biggest threat around for too long, no matter how much you trust them.

Top 5: Me, Bryce, Nathan, Matt, and Maynor.  This isn't the cutest final 5 ever, but I feel like this sets me and Bryce up for the best final 2.

5. Biggest challenge threat, whoever that may be. 4. Biggest challenge threat now (if it's final 2).  If it's final 3, then biggest jury threat. 3. Final loser (if it's final 2).

1+2. Me and Bryce.  Kings.

omg so brian is my f2 now and thats so iconic... so we think the boot order is gonna be like nick anna sharky and then reevaluate for comp threats.... like so i didnt want to vote matt bc i didnt want to lie to brian bc i really wanted to work with him but nathan convinced me to anyway esp bc we knew anna voted matt already and then GHOSTED. but then matt played idol so someone (maybe nick) prob told him/sharky about the plan... sketchy anyway it worked out bc i hate keaton and am happy hes gone. so when tribal ended i noticed sharky brian matt werent leaving call and they were all the minority voters... well majority bc of the idol... so i went into damage control. it was so iconic bc i didnt even pm sharky or matt just brian bc i really only felt bad about lying to him bc i wanted to work with him so much and matt doesnt respond that much and well sharky maybe i was a lil bad feeling about lying but w/e. i just joked around with them didnt hide anything and was my usual charming self... so i was honest with them about what happened bc i realized like i dont want to work with ppl who lie to me. i forgot if i mentioned this but like keaton and nick refused to tell me they were voting matt even tho we were all supposed to be in on it. and while everyone else was lying about why they voted or when the plan was formed i decided to be forth right. idk if thatll come back to haunt me but hope not NNNN. i was on that call for 7 hours. thats dedication NFJAJDFSHKAJS although they were all iconic and fun to talk to anyway so wasnt that hard but i sleep at midnight the latest usually and it was 2am. but w/e i pushed through bc tiredness is passing but positioning myself properly is NECESSARY. once it was just brian and i we shared everything or at least i did KJFASDKJFA he kept being a lil shady but i think it was fair bc i did just lie to him. i told him about nathans vote spy and the og absolem (minus nick) alliance and all the stuff ppl were saying and he told me about how he knew of matts idol bc he himself had a vote steal and they traded info. so loved that tbh!!! like if we have to use it this round itll set us up good it think, plan is to take out nick bc he can be goated to the end and flipped to and we dont want that. then anna bc shes good at comps and wanna split nathan/anna up. then hopefully work with maynor/nathan/(maybe matt) to vote out sharky bc if he gets to the end he'd win we feel like. after that we gotta see who we can beat in comps so we can beast our way to the f2. we think its f2 bc how days line up but like im bad at math so KFJASDHFJSD. anyways me and brian are like the michele and cydney that make it to the end so get ready for that. sorry nathan, thank you next!

I dont know if i said it last confessional but losing Keaton at the moment was really bad. He trusted me and was working with me. But now it looks like Matt want to start a little alliance. Sharky wasnt bad, was just happy it wasnt him, and Brian not mad but upset. I think i literally may be working with everyone left. Scream team with Sharky. OG Dinah with Brian. Shatter but still together me nathan annabelle and bryce. My rams alliance with bryce. And nick talks to me but is only one who hasnt said we should work together.

So we out here still! I am really happy that the idol play worked and it seems to have shaken the 5 who voted against myself, brian and sharky a lot. they are all seemingly panicking and its quite amusing to watch ngl. However, I am pretty sure I can capitalise on this to my own advantage, to swing the numbers my way or at least to take myself to like 5th (which for me is always a good placing). I am sure as hell not done playing yet so woo lets go bitches!

worried brian is closer to matt than me... annabelle once again ignoring. i dont know how to have a convo with matt like on call sure easy love it on discord? not happening. nick... maynor seems off today but we still chatted for a while... maybe im over? whomst knows! love ain

These questions were all out of left field like wow. I didn't even get to read all the questions. I randomly looked at a question and picked a number. I actually knew more of them than the ones I picked. I only got one right and that was Mickey Mouse and I don't even like him that much. Lets hope people are thrown off by these questions and panic like I did.

So Nathan has come and apologized. I really do believe his plan, although it was super selfish, was to get our group of 4 further. So I'm not mad. But the thing is that more so than Nathan lying it showed that he has real POWER in this game. He was able to get a 6 person majority to do what he wanted and convinced them all to lie to me and Brian. So he won't be my next target because he has my back but I don't have his anymore so he better watch out. Nathan is the biggest threat left in this game.

Okay so it's seems all is at peace. Anna had been worried that Nathan would come after me but it seems that passed. And The Jock Destroyers Alliance actually seems to be on the same page for once. Nick is just seeming like an unknown to all of us and we want to cut down on unknowns this late in the game. None of us can guarantee Nick is with us and that is worrisome. So as much as I've tried to work with Nick these past few weeks it might be time to cut my goat loose and move on with a new flock. I guess we'll find out.

I WON IMMUNITY!!! My wig is flown... now I can be more ballsy over the next 24 hours.  I want Nick gone.  For Nathan and Sharky to think that they're the ones doing this, though, is so annoying because I was literally the one to open this can of worms.  In addition, the reason I want Nick gone is because I want him out of Sharky's ass.  I don't need the two of them to be besties anymore!  I know Sharky is OK with voting him out, but I know Nick thinks him and Sharky are like besties so...

I think that 5 that voted Matt last round were thrown into a tizzy when Keaton went, and so I'm just out here like... lemme revel in the chaos!  Maynor and Nathan both were so anxious for my reaction... Nick went explaining to me right away what happened... ugh!!  My mind is so big... Sending Nick home this round will be one step closer to fulfilling my top 2 fantasy with Bryce.  I love it so much.  I really hope all goes to plan, but I am immune so I can't really be too worried since I'll still be here after 24 hours lmfao!!

I would love to be the hero by the end of this season, but I already see my villain arc coming up, and I'm left sitting here like... well, it was bound to happen.  The second I turn on Sharky is the second I hit that arc, and it's a plan that's coming sooner rather than later!!

i feel like... im going home its so quiet like brian won immunity and pushed on nick so like he should go but its just so quiet hm.

Well. It looks like it might be me. 🤷‍♂️ No one hs been talking to me so I guess its may be my last day!?

So the vote is either between Me or Nick tonight. And i dont like that. Going to see if I can get Nick and atleast 2 other votes to atleast make it a tie. The only other option right now is to take out Sharky. Im looking to try and get Bryce, Nick, and hopefully Nathan. Brian is safe. That leaves Matt, Annabelle, and Sharky. So like 🤷‍♂️ Imma go out fighting if its me.

So like, this tribal is really quite quiet, but seems to have a clear target in  Nick. SOmething of which i will HAPPILY take for myself, as I am just fed up of getting voted atm lmao. Like yes please just give me 1 round of respite then you may come for me again cause I will be ready. I feel close to Maynor and Nathan, mainly cause I have worked on them over the past few days so i feel good about myself and where i stand. will I win? probably not. Am i ok with that? no but if I have to settle I will

Okay for once it seems like there isn't much scrambling. I could be completely wrong and I'll get sent packing but who knows. It should be a quick and easy vote for Nick.

I jinxed it. The moment I said it should be easy NICK GOES OFF IN THE TRIBE CHAT. Trying to basically threaten all of us with the idea that he may have another idol. THEN BRIAN CALLS HIM OUT. And he puts Nick on blast for leaking the Matt plan to us. Which he did do. BUT Anna is actually the one who told us. So Nick either actually has an advantage and will save himself (in which case I don't think I'm his target) or his whole game just BLEW UP. It's messy messy messy.

Well Nick just ruined all the possibilities ih trying to save him. Nathan doesnt seem like we could get the votes so that also gets rid of Annabelle because they are very tight. So my vote is gunna be Nick but just watch its actually me. 🤷‍♂️  I would die but nothing i can really do know.

maybe im boo boo the fool??? theres been iconic fights and stuff and now nick is gonna vote me which is rude but he says hes voting maynor but i doubt that bc maynor tried to save him earlier this round so idk whats happening ppl are saying like dont worry he doesnt have the votes but what if he idols or what if ppl flip or like i dont want any vote against me in the first place. all these ppl so stable bc they arent the ones getting voted. the AUDACITY nick has when ive put up with his bland unanswering self for all these weeks to vote me on his way out??? no ty!!! maynor is like the most NNN idk he just has the worst pokerface i went with his annoying save keaton plan last week and im pretty sure he is going to vote me now too like... maybe dont do that what happen to the stupid :rams: :rams: aries thing we had going... make it add up!

Looks like I’m going home... the only chance I have at staying is if bryce gets out but I’m worried that’s not going to happen... I guess we will see wha happens in a few hours…

AHH!!  So I got into a fight with Nick earlier.  He wanted to have this ginormous dick energy in the main chat about powers he has and how he KNOWS who mentioned his name... girl, you know NOTHING!  He still thinks I've voted for him twice, and highkey if I had read my PMs about the idol before 7:45pm, then I would've voted for him exactly Z E R O times.  So fucking ugly...

So yea, I fought him.  And I'd say I won.  I just hope everyone sends his ass home.  Bryce and Nathan are updating me on, like, everything, and we have Maynor who just is beyond sketchy with his PMs.... I really just... WHEW.... I hope Nick's straight ass goes home and it isn't Bryce.

This tribal is going to be one big fat mess... but like i’m ready for it

I dont really want to do Nick tonight but its the best thing for now not to rock the boat. Im just hoping that everyone isnt lying and its some how me tonight. 🤷‍♂️ Just need to trust people who are saying they are doing Nick. But having a weird feeling and hopefully its a false alarm.

Tbh Brian not voting makes me feel sketch about tonight. It may be nothing and just me being worried that my name was thrown out. He said he was going to sleep early but he could have voted early for Nick so like. 🤷‍♂️ Paranoid and im going to die.

Nick is voted out 5-1-1.

[justafastfoodknight]

I guess I should write about what’s been going on? because there’s a shitload and i kind of hate myself for not keeping up with it!!!?ok

so last week was our trip to San Fransisco. mind u i had posted that we had no place to stay and would most likely cancel the trip... well we found a place. On the first night we met up with M’s co-workers and got a hotel/motel. Juliette had texted me saying she really wanted to meet up so we made a plan to in the next couple of hours. I was so nervous cause I have never had a friend understand things like she understands me and this is legit all from memes and tidbits we’d message on IG in the past years. she said she was gonna pick me up and take me to eat with her friend. So i got the i’m outside text and there she was! it was legit surreal. So met her friend who was super tall but super chill. let me say i’m fat af and that we had to walk every fucking where. holy shit. so we walked and talked about living in SF and me in the Valley. We made it to the underground station, they call it Bart. and we started really talking... like how anxiety and depression has fucked with our mentality and how it effects our academics. she asked me what I wanted to do and i was like since HS it’s been the same thing: movies. but i have so many idea and i have resources but i don’t have friends who want to and i have a shell i can’t break out of to socialize and network to do anything... and i was like i feel like such a failure because i have such a burning passion and i’ve had time but nothing has come of it. and i swear it was so nice to have someone else who had this outlook like: tbh i’m not even worried. and it wasn’t even like she had a set plan so she wasn’t worried but more of: “why do i have to have a career at 30? i realized i can’t do school so i’m taking simple easy classes on things i like and i’ll see where that leads.. i’m trying to not let societies pressure tell me i need to be at a certain place by a certain age.” and then i had this epiphany right there with her and told her about how David lynch started painting and doing sculptures as a teen and how that actually landed him a scholarship to a film school where he fucking made Eraserhead. and i said that he even now, being 70 something has creative control of his work which is FUCKING rare but he legit stuck to his aesthetics no matter how long it took him and he’s still getting praised. 

so yeah, then we got off the bart and walked a ton to this pizza place. trust i was tired af wanting to die from walking so much, and this line to get pizza was fucking insane. i was like are u sure we can even wait to eat cause i’m already tired. but we stuck it out and I HAVE NEVER EATEN PIZZA THAT FUCKING GREAT BEFORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I FUCKING SWEAR!! so we started talking about how everyone in our class has babies and is engaged and married or have careers and shit and then we got into it about TA. Mind you, no one but maybe 2 people know what i think about him regardless if we hang out or talking or whatever. so then i was saying how crazy baby fever is and then she said “yeah i had a serious case back in HS when I dated TA, i swear i would have had his child and married him right then and there no questions asked i loved him that much.” bitch my insides shattered. i mean yeah he has a gf, and yea i’d known that they dated, but i never knew it was that serious. and here’s a girl who’s friendship i really fucking value telling me she was IN LOVE LOVE LOVE with some dude I tell myself i’m going to marry or be with. it sounds fucking crazy and i sound like a fucking idiot because this is all theoretical but omg i was like girl-code says u can’t date a friends ex. i took it with a grain of salt and reminded myself of the past things that had happened (which i will get into) and was kind of like ok, chill the fuck out.

we then walked to the amoeba record store and talked about movies and music and she’s so talkative and funny bish i was so happy to be around her. she’s enigmatic and pure i loved that she always had shit to say. so we bought stuff and made our way back. on the train she said that she noticed i had a little crab symbolizing Cancer and she said that that’s why we understood each other so well because she is also one! I had no idea but i was like UR AN EMO WRECK LIKE ME!!! it makes a lot of sense actually. from how we act around people and how we think it’s pt fucking cool. so walking back to my hotel she said she was sorry for not offering to host us but she was in a super tiny space that she would even hate for her sisters to come and stay with her because it was just her big ass bed and almost no other space but she said she was moving in the next year so she said i’d have to come down more often and stay with her!! it sounds super gay, trust me i know! but i have not made friends in fucking years!! so getting back i go up and like i fucking said we walked for hours and Mel and her friends had plans to go to a gay club which i was all for earlier but now that i had blisters on my feet and had makeup running down my face i was like pjs on lay in bed, watch the proposal and fall the fuck asleep. her friends were really cool too though. like one is this super femme gay dude who is circling around the idea of doing drag so his makeup is BOMB AF!! and the other girls were a lesbian couple who spoke so softly but were the cutest thing ever. so they kept drinking and being loud but i tbh did not mind, and they got on their last coats and left. the next thing i remember it was 4 am and M was on top of me saying some crap about the club and sorry for being so loud. then i heard them say that the coke was working so well and that they had so much energy. M kept saying she wanted to run around the block and at thjis point i was so fucking tire di wouldn’t even get up to check up on her, plus i had cramps and it was honestly 40 degress in that room cause they left the air on. so we all knocked out and we woke up to 23498234092834092384 alarms and the snooze buttons like a million times omg it was so funny after. got breakfast, went down to the golden gate bridge, which is impossible to even comprehend, went bowling, got burritos, drove to lombard st. and then got dropped off at our hostel. there was a mix up and we ended up in different rooms. we met up outside and decided to walk to the venue to see how far it was... bitch it was 20 mins walking and another 10mins trying to find the entrance... but the second we turned the corner.. THE FUCKING MARQUEE SAID BRAND NEW SEPT. 11!!! BITCH I WAS SCREAMING AND PUSHING M BECAUSE HOLY SHIT!!!  we both got so excited!!!!! so we headed back and I said “i’m not taking chances i’mma wake up at 6 and be there by seven! i did not go through a fucking heart attack of a time to get here to NOT be front row.” so she said she was gonna meet up with a friend to get breakfast and that she would show up later. well I got there at 7 am and i was the first one for like 2 hours. honestly i have no idea how i do it, to pass the time i mean. like the show wasn’t until 9 and we spent all day outside just watching shit go by. but the people around us were super cool and raging BN fans which made me heart swell!! plus Jesse FUCKING LACEY walked right by us and was in an art supply store for hours!! i’m not even exaggerating but i heard he was on his phone the whole time and yeah. I didn’t wanna be that fan girl like before so i dropped it and just accepted it. so time came around to go in and right as i get into the part to scan my ticket it isn’t scanning.... i was like no!!!! hurry up i was being an asshole to the dude but he just let me go and my ass ran!!! i left M behind because i was deadset gonna save our spots and yeah we fucking made it center front row. let’s just say the show was a bit of a letdown. first: there was this huge screen in front which from far away looks incredible but from up front it’s just covering and outlining the band.. so that didn’t go up until half way and then came down again which was so fucking annoying!! plus!! they left off on an not so good song to end off on... i mean ur supposed to play an acoustic of best song last but no they did a hardcore one that left EVERYONE confused!! idk everyone after was like wtf tho!! but such a heartwarming part was singing Soco Amm with everyone in the crowd and knowing every word it was so fucking PURE!! During the wait outside before the show i decided to read up on the lyrics and facts which is my afvorite thing to do! i’m that bitch lol. but i was realling listening to the lyrics and Can’t Get it Out came on and i got so fucking teary-eyed holy shit i was shaking. the song about depression and feeling like a failure because nothing has been done although u love creating was so heartbreaking to hear. I decided it was my next tattoo so when this song came on and they played it my ass was crying and screaming at the top of my lungs. it was so good though cause i love love love the feeling of the crowd pushing me against the barricade cause it’s so reminiscent of my youth and shit i rarely ever do anymore. so the show ended and we left looking wrecked and flew back home.

now listening to Science Fiction i already have nostalgia and a fucking deeper love for Brand New i can’t stress it enough my heart will break the day they say it’s finally over ;~;

so work updates? um the shift at Urbane finally fucking left, it’s been months since he’s said he’d leave because things were “so fucked up there” but it was legit all rooted to him. so the manager and the dm sat down with him after multiple attempts to help him and told him he’d been demoted to kitchen cook. he got mad, and then later ranted that he wasn’t going to show up the next day... and he didn’t. legit everyone there is so much happier and less stressed out!! we all commented on the same thing it’s so nice!!