#sorry it's late but at least it's here
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sk1fanfiction · 6 months ago
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heretical take #1: bellamort is riddled (pun intended) with secrets
Maybe it's because 'the truth will destroy them' is one of my all-time, top ten tropes, but I think Bellamort actually fits this.
While I do enjoy the Gomez/Morticia-esque dynamic they're often characterized with, I think they're not so straightforward as murder wife/husband.
(1) Riddled with secrets
Re: my earlier, slightly-heretical post, bellatrix lestrange is not in love with tom riddle (and she would die of mortification if she found out)' I don't believe that Voldemort's backstory is common knowledge amongst even the inner circle of Death Eaters, and Lucius not reacting when Harry taunts Bellatrix about Voldemort's blood status, imo, is insufficient evidence to suggest otherwise.
Bellatrix (in the Bellamort ship/fandom) is characterized as being a 'he's one of the good ones' type of blood supremacist, which would explain why she would be bigoted againsy even half-bloods yet become Voldemort's follower and lover. What I think this neglects is that both the family Bellatrix was born into (the Blacks) and married into (the Lestranges) are two of the most blood supremacist families. Draco Malfoy, for example, calls Hermione a Mudblood and Ron a poor, but he never insults Harry's blood status. The Blacks and Lestrange are probably second only to the Gaunts in terms of the bigotry, and the Gaunts inbred themselves to death. The Blacks are not far off, with Sirius and Regulus's parents, Orion and Walburga, being cousins.
All this is to say, Bellatrix is more than likely beyond the point of being a 'one of the good ones' type of bigot. She loses her temper at Harry, not because she knows the truth and he hit a nerve, but because the idea of the great Lord Voldemort coming from the same dirty, filthy stock as Harry Potter is, well... heresy.
People who write/meta exclusively about Tom Riddle pre-1970s are often accused of forgetting that he's also Voldemort, which can happen, but I think it's equally common for those to focus on Voldemort during/post-rise to power to forget that he's Tom Riddle.
Therefore, on the other hand, I think it's safe to assume that TMR/LV is keeping secrets from everyone. (ref: my #many faces of tag and many faces of tom riddle masterpost for the extended version of my Tom Riddle hot takes).
The relevant summary is that even as Voldemort, he is extremely insecure and ashamed of his blood status. Voldemort is terrified of dying, and terrified of inadequacy, both of which lead to his inevitable downfall through his fixation on killing Harry. If he values Bellatrix's opinion and wants her to think highly of him (unlike Harry and Peter Pettigrew, whom he tells in the graveyard), he would never, ever, ever tell her his father is a Muggle -- his pride just wouldn't allow him to.
(2) Blood is thin, I guess?
The idea that Bellatrix's love for Voldemort is so powerful it can override her bigotry is romantic, yes, but perhaps a little unfounded based on her other relationships. Although we don't know much about Andromeda, Narcissa and Bellatrix seem close, so it's not a stretch to assume all three sisters are close, too.
(I promise I'm going somewhere with this)
Bellatrix and Andromeda grow up together for >18 years, but their sisterly love cannot survive Andromeda's rejection of blood supremacy, in Bellatrix's eyes, her marriage to a Muggle-born and half-blood child.
At the beginning of Deathly Hallows, at the Death Eater meeting, Voldemort teases (very mean-spiritedly) Narcissa and Bellatrix about (half-blood) Nymphadora's marriage to (half-blood) Remus. Bellatrix is extremely offended by this and eagerly accepts Voldemort's suggestion that she 'prune' her family tree.
You can say that Nymphadora and Andromeda are different people, and they are, but the whole Bellatrix/Nymphadora beef shows that Bellatrix is not influenced by her (once) love for her sister, or least, blood purity is much more important to her.
The elevation of blood purity above family bonds suggests that Bellatrix (a talented Occlumens) is very, very good at compartmentalizing her feelings from the ideology she believes in.
(3) You like me and want to be me so much, it makes you look stupid
The other thing about Bellamort, is why even? Why would Voldemort, who is a character who's depicted to have a, let's say, hard time with love, be romantically or otherwise attracted to someone?
Yes, Bellatrix is smart, and beautiful, and powerful, and from a very established and wealthy wizarding family, but why is Voldemort so impressed by all this?
Sometimes we find people attractive because we want to be them. Not in a Saltburn-esque, drinking bathwater and wearing their skin kind of way, but nonetheless. Bellatrix's circumstances, of being born into a pureblood family and likely having at least a decent childhood, is something Voldemort covets but can never achieve.
For Bellatrix's part, she quite literally worships Voldemort, which is strange, because unlike, say, Pettigrew, obsequiousness does not become her -- when dealing with anyone else, she is always haughty and often belligerent.
All her life, Bellatrix had been taught to believe that people who are not pureblood witches and wizards are far below her, half-bloods included. The fact Tom Riddle was raised as Muggle, no doubt, would also disgust her. Some say that Bellatrix might make an exception for Voldemort because he's powerful, but I doubt it. I think this suggestion neglects that not only is stubbornness one of Bellatrix's key personality traits, but she is one of the most stubborn, hard-headed characters in the whole canon.
Notably, wand stiffness/floppiness is correlated with the mindset of the owner, and Bellatrix's wand is unyielding, just like her. The world bends to her mindset. Not the other way around.
The only way Bellatrix could consider Voldemort worthy of worship is the fact that she thinks he is pureblood. And, in turn, Bellatrix's bloodline is one of Voldemort's favourite things about her.
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localapparently · 9 months ago
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM DOKJA!!!
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krysmcscience · 5 months ago
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It’s finally done, guys – five whole pages of Narilamb AU comic AND MORE be upon you! (If you have trouble reading any of the text, view the full-size! These pages are huge!)
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Yeesh, this took forever. <:)
There’s probably a ton of inconsistencies and anatomy/perspective wonkeries, but this was mostly just comic practice, so Oh Hekkin Well, Lol <:D
(Yes, I am aware the Gateway’s door isn’t present in the Afterlife, and the actual way in is just a pentagram portal. Yes, I put the door in there anyway because Artistic License, i.e. it felt more impactful for there to be a prison door of sorts to walk through to freedom, rather than just a bland boring portal on the ground. 😠)
anyway, i hate backgrounds so much lmao
Alternate ending and a buttload of bonus art under the cut, followed by goofy AU rambles and headcanon stuff:
I’m calling it the Revival AU. It’s not all that creative a title, and someone else has probably used it already, but I am too lazy to really care, LOL
Alternate ending page, which you will Definitely need to view the full-size for, Whoopsie Daisy:
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The alternate ending was actually the first ending I finished things off with, because I had a brief badbrain moment where I forgot the emotional beat I initially wanted the comic to end on, and I tend to write comedy, anyway. I later remembered and drew out the proper ending, but I preserved and finished this one, too, because it still makes me giggle.
They had to go back for the followers off-screen in the AU’s real ending. And by ‘they’ I mean just the Lamb, because they weren’t about to ask three newly freed cats to go back into what used to be their prison. The Lamb DID spend some time watching Narinder and the bois enjoying the outdoors first, though:
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In other news, here’s the Lamb and me making fun of my anatomy-drawing ‘skills’:
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Meanwhile, if you’re wondering why the Lamb is just a-okay with how things went down vis a vis Their Murder, this bonus comic should answer at least some of your questions:
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Ah, yes, also this is how they get engaged outside of the alternate ending. Forgot to mention that bit. XD (I already refuse to believe that Narinder is capable of flirting normally, so why would his initial marriage proposal be any better???)
Oh, and before any of them get a chance to actually head back to the cult grounds, there is one potential problem:
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And by ‘problem’ I mean something Narinder intends to ignore for At Minimum a thousand years. Cuz he’s a petty bitch like that. :D
what do you mean i drew the lamb too tall compared to the background? clearly they’re standing on top of baal and aym lmao, why else would you think those two aren’t in this one??? (aym and baal got way too excited about finally being outside, you see, and their silly modes are nothing to sneeze at)
And, speaking of heading back to the cult grounds, I’m sure y’all would love to know how the Lamb’s followers felt about the brand new change in management:
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It all went better than expected. <:D Tiny ramble now, feel free to skip down to the next comic.
Before you ask, no, the Lamb does not have any actual powers anymore, other than the immortality Narinder definitely grants them. The Red Crown just thinks it’s funny to suggest otherwise, and Narinder does nothing to discourage this. Also, the Lamb and Narinder aren’t actually married here yet, but, uh. Pretty safe to say that particular ritual directly follows the events of this comic. XD
Given how quickly he mellows out in canon, Narinder probably chills out a lot in this AU once he’s in charge of the cult, too, if only because 1.) He’s finally free, and 2.) He’s equally smitten with and distracted by the Lamb. He’s definitely in charge at least 95% of the time, though, because the Lamb never actually wanted to be a cult leader and, now that their time as a vessel is done, they just want to be a normal(ish) sheep who’s wholly devoted to their hot new divine husband.
Some followers do still have some valid concerns about these two being together, though, which I’m sure at least a few of you might share…
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Unfortunately for any such concerns, the Lamb is a bonafide masochist in this AU. :D
They’re also 100% a sub, obviously
Anyone at all: Your relationship is problematic and potentially toxic
The Lamb: fuck yeah it is, it’s so hot~ OuO
Here’s just the last panel, made transparent for whatever nefarious purposes y’all might have for it:
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Additional exchange Narinder and the Lamb have at some point, probably after the Lamb does a fatal whoopsie while out on a mission trip or in response to things getting a little too sadistic in the bedroom, ahaha:
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Look, there is a very important distinction between life and death, and if you don’t understand that, then you’re probably not worthy of being the God of Death, anyway. (At least, according to Narinder, and ONLY Narinder.)
Last but not least, have these shittens:
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~Such creative naming conventions I have utilized, lololol~ :D Anyway, there's a few deets on them in the rambles down below.
The rest is all ramble, so before I get to that, I’ll just say – likes and especially reblogs are very much appreciated!!! :D If you happen to really really REALLY like my stuff, meanwhile, I do have a link in my bio to my ko-fi page, where I’m accepting commissions and donations if you’re especially generous… ÓuÒ
Now, BE FREE IF YOU AIN’T DOWN FOR READING MY GOOFY RAMBLES
First ramble is re: Baal’s question of ‘Did it really work?’, since I didn’t feel like expanding on it in the comic proper, and it’s arguably pretty vague? He doesn’t ask because he doubts Narinder or his capabilities, exactly, but because neither Baal nor Aym have ever actually seen their god at full power before (he’s still technically not at full power here, either). It’s not expressly stated how soon the brothers were brought to Narinder after his imprisonment, but whether it was early on or after a length of time for Shamura to (somewhat) recover from his attack, he must have already been weakened, since I have no doubts that there was a huge battle that accompanied the Bishops working together to trap him. So, between that fight with all four of his siblings, sharing his power with a variety of vessels over time, and being chained immobile for a thousand years, he must have been severely weakened by the time he lent the Red Crown out to the Lamb, which would have only weakened him further.
I like to think this is how the Lamb is able to defeat him if they refuse to be sacrificed, despite how it took all four Bishops working together to subdue and chain Narinder in the first place.
All that aside, the three cats have been trapped in the Afterlife for so long that Baal also wanted verbal reassurance that they are all, indeed, actually able to leave it now – something that I headcanon isn’t possible without a significant amount of power (i.e. the Red Crown’s cooperation with its bearer/vessel).
(On a semi-related note, I don’t headcanon Aym and Baal as twins. I like sweetheart big bro Baal and snarky little goth bro Aym too much to have them be that close in age.)
Ah, teeny thing: If you noticed I switched up the art style for Narinder on the second page, that was intentional. It's sort of a visual indicator that there has been a Big Change for him - that being, how much power he has after sacrificing the Lamb. As for why I changed up his arms in the grass rollin' pic, I don't really subscribe to the notion that his arms are spooky bones because they're horrifically injured (beyond chain-chafing scars, that is), but rather just because he's the Bishop of Death, so he can change how normal-to-spooky they look at will. At some point I might doodle out how I imagine his appearance to range between least to most eldritch... 🤔
Next ramble, regarding Narinder’s feelings towards the Lamb...he was initially too focused on being freed from his imprisonment to form any real attachment to them. They were a tool for his use, first and foremost, but he did notice their intense devotion towards him. It was impossible not to notice, because the Lamb was always very happy to see him, even if it was because they died during a crusade (yet again). He wasn’t originally planning to revive them once he was freed, either, because he saw no real point to it – after all, they were already dead when they first met him, just as any other mortal would be when meeting him in the Afterlife, so death has very little real consequence in his eyes. But, once the chains were off, and it really sank in that he stood to lose the most devoted follower he’s ever had, he decided…why put their soul to rest for good or leave them stuck in the Afterlife when he could just as easily revive them again? And why not reward them for their hard work, anyway? Not only would it cost him nothing by comparison, but the future devotion that could come of it would surely make up for his (bare minimum) effort in reviving them.
He wasn’t expecting to get a full dose of that devotion and a smiling face so soon after killing them, though~ :3c (because the Lamb is a bonafide freak, and not-so-secretly into the fucked up power dynamics going on here, lol)
I should mention here that I am firmly of the belief that any non-god/vessel who crosses through the Gateway and into the Afterlife just straight up dies. So, Aym and Baal? Also straight up dead, from the second Shamura brought them through. Their souls were just never put to rest so that Narinder could have some company – if only according to Shamura. Narinder kept the two around mostly out of bewilderment, because honestly, who are these kittens, and what is Shamura’s game here, anyway??? They never even explained anything, they just tossed these kittens into the Afterlife and LEFT!!! At any rate, Aym and Baal being dead is how I explain why their souls apparently become lost in the void if they’re killed, along with the added complications required to revive the two because of it.
So, with those deets in mind, and given a bit of time, if Narinder hadn’t chosen to revive the Lamb, and also hadn’t chosen to put their soul to rest, they still would have woken up at some point, despite being as straight up dead as Aym and Baal. Who, don’t worry, were also properly revived while Narinder was waiting for the Lamb to wake up. Because I am also firmly of the belief that, first, the dead cannot leave the Afterlife without the use of a ritual/relic (and can't stay in the living world for long regardless), and second, dead followers’ devotion isn’t anywhere near as potent as that of the living, given how much more the living stand to lose.
Final ramble, regarding the Lamb’s feelings towards Narinder, and why they’re so devoted to him…
Well, you don’t spend most of your life on the run with your steadily-dwindling herd, trying to evade the ongoing genocide of your species, without becoming a little fucked up in the head. Maybe a lot fucked up in the head. Life is suffering, so might as well have fun with it, right? Maybe start finding death and pain to be kind of hilarious, even a little bit hot, once everyone you know and love is dead and gone, leaving you all alone? And maybe after that, there’s something comforting in how, despite the cold, cruel uncertainties of life, at least you can always count on the inevitability of death, patiently waiting for you until your very last breath? Who knows. Either way, as soon as the Lamb was killed, and they learned that the literal God of Death was offering them a second chance at life and vengeance via effective immortality, they were 100% ride-or-die-devoted all at once. Turns out death is kinder than life – go figure. (Of course, it helps that Narinder is 100% their type.)
They weren’t put off by Narinder’s thinly-veiled sadism or manipulations, either – they’re not too different in those regards, albeit opting for vastly different methods. It’s a very ‘two sides of the same coin’ sort of deal. In order to stay alive once they were made the last of their kind, the Lamb had no qualms with using others to their advantage, and that did not change once they were revived and expected to run a cult. They didn’t care for the position of authority, though – being a sheep and all, they’re much more of a follower than a leader, and thus greatly appreciated Narinder’s need for control. With how they had to keep on their toes for so long, the Lamb was also pretty good at reading people by the time they died, so they could recognize that a lot of Narinder’s posturing was just that – posturing. Dude’s 95% bluster and only 5% bite. He could obviously be vicious when he wanted or needed to (the Bishops' injuries were clear proof of that), but underneath his outer layer of cruelty was a generous layer of tsundere, and underneath all THAT was a soft squishy middle sibling velcro cat in desperate need of attention and affection.
(Which, for the record, he Did Not feel comfortable getting from Aym and Baal – Narinder still has no idea why the fuck Shamura sent them to him, beyond acting as keepers at best or trying to sabotage his attempts to escape at worst. Which, he thought HE sabotaged in turn, by guiding the kittens into being his devoted disciples instead. He thought he was very clever for it. ‘I outsmarted Shamura!’ he thought, despite that there was never anything there to outsmart. ‘What do you mean, Shamura sent your kittens to me for company?’ he demands of Forneus later. It may or may not lead him to pull Shamura out of Purgatory just so he can shake them and scream about how they should have Fucking Explained that!!!)
But, getting back on track as to why the Lamb was so willing to be sacrificed, I cannot stress this enough – if you pay even a minimal amount of attention to what he’s saying, Narinder is REALLY NOT SUBTLE about his intentions. ‘Death is of little consequence.’ ‘Followers are for you to use to your advantage.’ ‘Sacrifice a follower to absorb more power.’ So, yeah, the Lamb knew exactly what would be expected of them once the other Bishops were dead. They knew Narinder would expect them to die for him one last time. But, after all, death is of little consequence (not to mention hot), so when the time came, they wanted to see him freed, even if it meant oblivion for them in the end.
He’d given them a second life, and the ability to avenge their kin, and they felt indebted to him for that – so, while they were still pretty glum about the possibility that they might not get to see him free of his chains, nothing beyond their devotion and debt to him mattered. They never wanted all the drama and expectations that came with the Red Crown’s power, anyway, so, better for Narinder to have it back so that he could deal with it. What he did with the Lamb afterward would be up to him, and seeing as he was their god, they’d accept his decision gladly.
Were they in love with him by that point? Oh, obsessively so, but only in the devotional sense – romance was nowhere on their mind nor radar. That is, until he unexpectedly revived them again, told them he still needed them, and then offered down his hand to help them up.
The Lamb fell HARD for him in that moment. :3c
And now, a tiny shitten ramble. Lu and Li are twins, because sheep tend to have those a lot, and are conceived not long after the Lamb and Narinder’s marriage ceremony. Lu is the minutes older one, but Li is much more mature. I have put no further thought into these two, other than that they are utter menaces, birthed by the Lamb, cling hard to both their parents but especially Narinder (who spoils them rotten), and they are both genderfluid, using whichever pronouns/names they feel like at any given time. They are also both intersex, same as the Lamb, who was initially infertile up until Something Something Vague Magic, which I have also put no further thought into ¯\_(シ)_/¯
oh, and before anyone tries to suggest i headcanon this AU’s lamb as trending more female due to them giving birth or whatever, no, no, a thousand times no, they might have a vag, but they've also got a dick, and even if it's not as big as they'd like, they still know how to use it
Finally, the very tentative name for the Lamb in this AU is Yazdi, which is really just another name for the Baluchi breed of sheep XD (Not that the Lamb is this specific breed, I just didn’t like any of the other sheep-related names I found, ahaha...)
THAT’S ALL FOR NOW (collapses into an exhausted pile of goopy limbs)
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chidoroki · 11 months ago
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December 19th - Happy Birthday Chifuyu - ft: his tvtropes
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anothersuperstition · 4 months ago
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like five commissions would solve so many of my problems right now …. 🌀you want to commission me🌀…. 🌀you want to look at my pinned post and you want to commission me sooooo bad🌀…….
a few recent commissions ⬇️
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been loving leaning into more illustration/poster work and would love to do more!!
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luasumas · 9 days ago
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and now i go back to my million year art slumber
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robotsafari · 4 months ago
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redrawing my favorite gba chain of memories scenes with my own interpretations part 1(?):
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“You’re thinking about me… You’re afraid of the darkness I command.”
#beep boop you want fries with that#kingdom hearts#riku#ansem#GBA CHAIN OF MEMORIES IS SO GOOD. please play it over the remake im begging. it also plays a lot better too.#every ansem scene is better in gba com because i dont have to listen to richard epcar attempt to be intimidating#they altered so many scenes in the remake and a lot of the changes suck !! just straight up !! i will never forgive them for changing#this scene and the previous lexaeus scenes. like why did they have riku get possessed for a second only for the next cutscene to#literally be about riku trying not to get possessed. like that makes no sense. its just cheap shock value and just treating lexaeus#like shit. at least he mentioned zexion. ok if i knew how to do rom hacks i could literally change the dialogue myself to mention zexion.#ok sorry for complaining. uhhh#the composition is clearly ripped off from the owl house. sorry. season 1 belos scene.#and the background is just the original gba bg of the scene but blurred to look less pixelated#sorry the anatomy sucks. i know rikus arms shouldnt be that long but too late. kms.#this scene is so good because augh. this is the first time in this game we come face to face with the real ansem. not just diz pretending#to be him to just shove down ‘darkness bad’ down his throat. this is why mickey comes to save him in this scene. because riku is in#real danger here. thats also the reason why mickey sends his power again when riku is being dangled like a puppet BECAUSE ANSEM WAS THERE#FOR REAL THIS TIME. anyway yeah i know ansem’s sprite doesn’t appear when he says that but the portrait is a silhouette so i went#weh. why not !!#anyway im obsessed w/ cryptid ansem. ghost inhabitanting a fallen kingdom. continuing the fucked up experiments like if they never stopped#OK IVE ALREADY RAMBLED ENOUGH AND THIS SHIT IS GOING INTO RE:KH TERRITORY. (hunter voice) BYEEEEEEE
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liquidstar · 9 months ago
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sleepovers save money on hotel rooms while on missions 👍
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kimtaegis · 3 months ago
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🌧️
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ghost-bard · 4 months ago
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Finally at the landsmeet, hope i can finally find out what makes ppl defend Loghain as a character, beyond what ive seen in cutscenes and Anora talking about him.
He’s interesting, i sort of get why he’s compelling story wise. But. Why do people defend him. I am curious.
Apologies if im just bringing up old fandom talking points im playing the game for the first time 🙏
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softichill · 1 year ago
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The Sound of Nightmares unofficial transcript
(Sadly @queen0fm0nsterz wasn't able to work on this one, but is still important to credit bc I say so)
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
-------------
[Click]
[Thunderstorm in the background]
OTTO: The guardian at the threshold. An archetype that parapsychologists have obsessed over for centuries. A mythic entity who’s appeared in the stories of innumerable cultures. No matter their description, his role is always the same: to confront anyone who dares cross into unseen worlds. 
OTTO: In our last session, he spoke to her, or– through her. Even when I listen to the tape I can’t be certain what I’m hearing. Still, I’ve repeated his words like a sickness ever since. It went like this. 
[Shifting]
OTTO: “Cross the sill. Sink in a twinkling. Cast aside the old sleep, to sleep again anew.”
[Otto puts the paper down]
OTTO: The Candleman, the Ferryman– indeed, the Guardian at the Threshold. An idolon on the inside, determined to [Hitting the table] Keep. Me. Out. 
[Tape rewinding]
[Intro plays]
[Click]
[Shifting, electric humming, Otto putting something together]
OTTO: Noone was right after all. [Slow beeping starts] I noticed something off, while reviewing the E.E.G, and reluctantly, sent her up to radiology. At first I doubted the validity of the results, but the technician assured- curtly- that Noone’s scan undeniably shows… a pea-sized tumor, on the right-sided amygdala. 
[clatter, humming continues]
OTTO: They maintain it’s benign, [click, more humming] despite the unusual ocular appearance. 
[repeated clicking, Otto keeps building]
OTTO: This calls everything into question. The mass’s location could impact fear response, emotional salience, and damningly, dreams. And yet… I cannot deny all the evidence to the contrary. 
[Lower click, Otto stops building]
OTTO: I’ve… pondered the ethics of informing Noone. She’s already so scared of her body that it would only send her spiraling. I can’t risk anything jeopardizing a revelation that might lead to Cici. 
[Shift]
OTTO: From here on, anyone listening will think me mad. But, the proof is in the pudding! Noone’s… vanishings; her transpersonal states; they’re undeniable evidence of a realm- beyond our senses. It’s always been on the periphery, but now I know… it’s accessible. And she possesses the means to enter that domain. 
[Papers rustling on the desk]
OTTO: My professor’s paper posits thus: “There are two requisites for entering the quiddity of consciousness. First, a gateway; places hidden amid our world. Second, a means to open these doors. And I assert that keys are primarily cut out of fear.”
[Otto places the paper down and lifts the device he was building. Humming becomes more clear, Otto sighs.]
OTTO: Either I lack his erudition, or his mania. My only hope lies in completing my labours. [Sigh, shifting on desk] I’ve not slept in weeks, [another sigh] and if I cannot dream as she does, I’ll never know how to enter- this… Nowhere. 
[Click, audio cuts]
[Audio starts]
[Thunder in the background]
OTTO: [in the background] An ugly autumn night, isn’t it Noone? Swirling mist, they called it on the broadcast. A weather phenomenon unique to the Counties- a downpour’s not far off. But- a gift, may brighten the mood. 
[Otto gets closer to the recorder]
OTTO: Here. 
[Otto slides something over to Noone]
NOONE: O-oh. It’s nearly the same. Red, too. 
OTTO: A chrysanthemum, like your parents left you all those weeks ago! An apology, a- a reminder that I remain as committed to you as I did then. 
NOONE: Pretty. 
OTTO: It’s a perennial, so it’ll blossom year after year, just like you!
[Shifting as they both sit down]
NOONE: I think, I’m ready now. To talk about… m-my Mum and Dad. 
OTTO: (surprised) Oh. And why now? What’s changed?
NOONE: Because… I feel like I’m beginning to forget. And maybe talking will help me remember. 
OTTO: Because you’ve been away so long, or you literally feel you’re losing your memory?
NOONE: Um… more like I’m losing a part of me. I can’t tell, am I the girl here, or- the one there?
OTTO: (slightly amused) They’re one in the same. Given all you’ve told me, they must be. It’s not you that’s different, but the physical space around that y-
NOONE: I said I want to talk about my mum and dad! When most kids have nightmares, or- whatever these are, they go to their parents to feel better. Here, I relive them again and again. And it’s all you want to talk about, because you think you can find Cici! Through me!
OTTO: Noone. The only way to find answers is to discover where you go when you sleep. Talking about your parents would be wasting the hours!
NOONE: Aren’t these sessions supposed to be about me?! 
OTTO: Always. 
NOONE: But I have no say. No control. Over how I feel, or- what I do, I don’t even belong to myself!
[Pause]
NOONE: I’ll do as you ask, but promise me. (Quiet) No wires hooked into my head. No machines. Not tonight. 
OTTO: No machines, promise. [Getting up] I think you’ll enjoy what I’ve got planned. 
[Audio cuts]
[Door opens]
OTTO: This bed was for shiftwork*. Now I sleep here more days than not. 
NOONE: Oh. Pretty. 
[Door closes] 
[Steps on carpet, recorder set down]
OTTO: I’d like to try a sort of role-reversal. [Creak] I’ll lie here, blindfolded, depriving my senses, to enter a self-induced hypnogogia, so I can focus on your words. You’ll recount your latest visit, and I want you to try as hard as you can, to project your dream into my head. 
NOONE: I don’t think it can work, but… I’ll try. 
[Creak, shifting as Otto lays down]
NOONE: That girl. In the photo there. That’s her, your daughter. 
OTTO: My sister. 
NOONE: O-Oh. You don’t look much alike. 
[Otto getting prepared]
OTTO: [Exhale] I’m- I-I’m settled. Blindfold on… Carry me away with you, Noone. 
NOONE, narrating: …I couldn’t see anything-
OTTO: S-Slow down. This is vital. Speak, as if you’re trying to pull me in. 
NOONE: …
NOONE, narrating: I floated through a darkness, with nothing at my feet. Then it all faded and, I was somewhere new. 
NOONE: An underground brick tunnel, with a stream of… thick sludge passing through a canal at its center. 
NOONE: I can still hear it. Jangling keys. [Dream ambience starts] Screaking metal. Do you hear, Otto?
OTTO: I… I can’t. But keep trying. 
NOONE: It came from… a kid in the distance, struggling to shut a ground-iron door. The last thing I heard before the slamming shut was… laughter. [Echoey laughter, faint slam] 
[Running water]
NOONE: Sludge poured in from the pipes that ran along the tunnel walls. I had no choice but to follow the stream and, so I did until I reached a section [Distant kids chatting] where I saw storm drains above. 
[Dripping water, kids sound more intense] 
NOONE: Looking up through one, I saw a boy’s dirty boots, and orange light shining, from a lantern on his waist. We locked eyes and he called out,
BOY, overlapping with NOONE: “Look! Critters already!”
[Children laughing]
NOONE: Lights then shone down from… every drain above. Other boys and girls wanting to peek at me. 
[Children laughing, Dream!Noone quietly starting to breathe hard]
NOONE: Very suddenly, [laughter dies down] they went quiet. [Kids start whispering] I didn’t know why, until… I heard it. A rumbling through the tunnels. 
[Kids whisper things like “It’s here!” “It’s finally here!”]
NOONE: They whispered together. “It’s here! Finally here!” 
[Whispering dies down, rumbling]
NOONE: Do you feel what I felt, Otto?
OTTO: They’d… been waiting. For you. 
NOONE: …Not exactly. Their joy, their bratty excitement… they’d- gathered for an event, and it had finally come. Like a holiday, that only arrives once per year. 
NOONE: Running from their celebration, I turned down a tunnel, [wet footsteps] going until, I came to a junction. Overwhelmed by how many options surrounded me, I closed my eyes. Listening. 
[Running water, squeaky metal detector sounds] 
NOONE: The sound… came from the path to my left. [Faint electronic buzzing] I waited, watching from a distance, as someone crossed [squeaking] by the dark tunnel mouth. 
NOONE: He carried… a strange gadget. And every now and again, its buzz, turned to some- beeping. Detecting secrets, in the waters. 
[Metal detector squeaking]
NOONE: I hardly noticed the rest of him. But, I got a look before he crossed out of view. He carried a heavy sack, over his shoulder. And things squirmed inside. But, he was gone as quick as he’d appeared!
[Metal detector gets quieter, Dream!Noone’s wet steps]
NOONE: The sludge was… rising quickly [Dream!Noone: Ugh!], up to my ankles, and- the stink became so awful, Otto! I-Imagine it, waste filling your nose. 
[Wet steps continue]
NOONE: Then, across from me, a small pipe became blocked, stopping the sewage. A grey mass poked through [Nome chittering], jammed in tight, wiggling to get loose. But… not until it fell into the sludge [plop], did I realize this… tiny… [chittering] thing… was alive! It picked itself up and- swayed about, curious of my company. 
[Wet steps combined with Nome sounds. Nome makes noises through the next paragraph]
NOONE: The head was… was shaped like- those cone mushrooms, that grow out in Haitfield**. I inched closer to the little mushroom fairy, and… it began mimicking me! As if we’d been old friends!
OTTO: (distant) A friendly presence… the first non-hostile being you’ve met that wasn’t another child. 
NOONE: Yes! He belonged there. In that world. Part of it rather than… a stranger, like me. 
NOONE: Is… is it working, Otto? Can you see its little mushroom head?
OTTO: I think so. Maybe. Keep going. 
NOONE: [mimicking a deep voice] Yes. Drift away, Otto. Drift away… 
[Wet steps, Nome noises]
NOONE: A crooked net lowered down from a drain grate above. While I ducked to cover, the mushroom fairy didn’t. I tried to point upward but, it simply copied my gesture! There was a girl [little girl giggling] giggling with- ugly delight, sticking her whole arm through the grate, hoping to capture the poor thing! So I grabbed a loose brick, [lifting brick] and threw it at her! [Dream!Noone: Hup!]
NOONE: Hitting her arm [girl wailing] she cried out, while I picked up the mushroom fairy, [running through sludge] and ran off.
[Dream!Noone panting, running]
NOONE: After we were well clear, I put the creature down. [Nome chatters] It immediately walked off! Then, looked back, suggesting I follow. 
NOONE: [walking] That little body clicked, jittery and… ungraceful. Somehow the thing seemed to know where it was taking me, stopping only once we came to a rusty door [metal creaking], leading to a maintenance room. 
NOONE: Entering though, I discovered something else entirely. [Squeaky door opening, Dream!Noone gasps and whispers “Wow”] Endless piles spread about the room, some of pure junk while… others housed gold jewelry! As long as it could be collected, there was a place for it here. [Dream!Noone walking through the room] Mesmerizing. 
[Walking]
NOONE: Only after examining a mound of keys [key jingling] did I understand, where this stuff came from. Everything in this room, had been dropped down from the world above over the years. [Nome noise(?)] The only thing out of place, was a child’s propeller cap. On a chair, tucked away, forgotten. [Nome chitter] I think that’s what the mushroom fairy wanted me to see. 
NOONE: [Nome perks up] As if on cue, I heard the man approaching; the little creature hid in a pile of mismatched mittens, and I jammed my way in too. [Running, fabric shuffling, metal door opens and electric buzz + squeaking starts] 
NOONE: I peered out, as he stepped through the door and began dumping out his… pockets. [Faint clattering of various things] Coins, rings, trinkets… [Clattering stops] Next, he took off his plastic suit, covered in- gunk. Beneath, was a bony body, his spine bent horribly. What I thought had been a sack carried over his shoulder… was the back of his head. Like a balloon full of water, throbbing and- swollen. 
NOONE: But I could tell he was not always that way. He’d changed. Somehow become one… with the sewers. 
OTTO: (more distant) I don’t understand. You believe this place transformed him?
NOONE: Aren’t you meant to be drifting into hypergocklia, or whatever? Seeing, smelling, hearing as I did?
OTTO: I can’t seem… to let go. I want to, more than anything I-
NOONE: [Imitating Otto] Try! That’s what you always tell me. If I’m trying my hardest, you have to as well. 
NOONE, narrating: From the corner of my eye, I noticed the little cone sneaking away. The balloon-headed man was inches away, and in that moment, I thought of Jester. Of the Child with Gooey Hair. Of Rusty. I couldn’t do nothing, not again!
NOONE: Thankfully, [rumbling, clattering] that rumbling from earlier returned in that moment, stronger than before!
[Sewer Man notices and panics] 
NOONE: The shaking destroyed the man’s piles, startling him into… an odd anger, so… I stumbled out from hiding, [Running] and bolted for my mushroom fairy, [Nome] and out the door! [Metal creak, Sewer Man notices] 
NOONE: I ran and ran, and, [Dream!Noone running and panting] although the man, he wasn’t very fast, that didn’t matter. [Buzzing & squeaking] He had his gadget, and, that buzz followed wherever I went!
[Dream!Noone wading through water]
NOONE: Any sense of direction washed away with- the sludge that was now up to my knees! [Dream!Noone running & panting] Turning down tunnel after tunnel, I stopped, [ambience calms down, squeaking] hoping I’d lost him. 
NOONE: All at once, those lanterns shone from above [clicks]. The naughty kids had spotted us! [Kids start singing a teasing song] Wildly they sang, “Snatch a gift! Snatch a gift! Before they’re all sent adrift!” 
[Kids continue singing and start clapping along, ambience picks up]
NOONE: Their cheers grew and, [squeak, Dream!Noone gasps] and I saw why. [Electric buzzing] A bag-headed shadow appeared at the tunnel’s far end. Cutting me off. The man and his machine used the tunnels as if- as if the sewers had leaked into his thoughts!
[Dream!Noone breathing hard, splashing water]
NOONE: I tried to backtrack, but, must have taken a wrong turn, and found myself at a dead end. A wall of bricks! [Nome struggles] The mushroom fairy squirmed hard, begging to be freed! So… [plop] I let go, and the grey cone climbed up a pile of fallen rubble, and slipped through a crack, without hesitation, to abandon me! (Sad) Despite saving its life. 
[Water leaking]
NOONE: The crack the fairy squeezed through began spouting water from the other side. [Squeaking and buzzing start up again] I pulled at the bricks as the man stepped closer [Sewer Man gets closer, bricks shifting], one brick loose, then another. His gadget buzzed and buzzed, when I ripped a final brick loose, [Sewer Man sees Noone] leaving a hole large enough to creep through. 
[Sewer Man yells and hits the wall, buzzing and squeaking get farther away]
NOONE: He bated at the wall, grabbing at me, but, I was too far gone. His small, milky eye peeked through at me, until the walls rumbled, more fiercely than ever! The man backed away, overcome with horror. 
[Sewer Man yells, echoey kids’ cheers in the background] 
NOONE: The rumbling didn’t stop after that. And neither did the kids cheering from above. [Ambience rising] Whatever they had waited for… 
[All ambience stops]
NOONE: It was time. 
[Wind/thunder in the background, back in the office]
NOONE: Otto, you’re awake! [Otto startles]
OTTO: Yes, Noone. I’m trying, so hard, to see, to feel- to sense what you did, but I can’t. I don’t have the gift you have, and your gifts are not as commanding as I hoped they’d-
NOONE: (Upset/frustrated) I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat! I wish I could give you everything in my head, then I’d be rid of all of this. 
[pause]
NOONE: Shall I go on?
OTTO: Yes. 
NOONE, narrating: …It felt as if someone had picked up the sewer, shaking it with rage. Water crashed against the walls. I stumbled on and on, the tunnel growing wider and wider… A second smaller sound appeared; [distant nome chitters] clicks, and murmurs. Then, [nomes getting louder] out of the darkness ahead, they appeared, [many nomes running] scurrying so fast I couldn’t react! A hundred little mushroom fairies, rushing past me in a panic, escaping something close behind!
[Distant kids teasing]
NOONE: It wasn’t long before that something came. [Rushing water, kids cheering] speeding like [Dream!Noone gasps] a pack of horses tangled together, a tidal wave pounded through the sewer!
[Dream!Noone yelps, wave approaches] 
NOONE: The wave was feet away when, [Wave is extremely close, ambience pauses minus the kids cheering] I finally understood. For the kids above, this was a blast. They waited and waited, unable to experience the wave’s power themselves, and that made them love it all the more. Snatching things that run from its path was part of their awful celebration. 
[Waves crashes down on Dream!Noone]
NOONE: The violent wave hit, sweeping me away, carrying me back through the maze of tunnels. I swam up and up, doing my best to surface, and just as I did,
[Splash, music suddenly calms. Dream!Noone gasping for air]
NOONE: The waves paused. My body no longer needed to swim. And the Candleman appeared, floating… on some kind of… broken door. 
OTTO: (distant, serious) Go through your encounter diligently. He holds the answers I- we need. Make no mistake: he is your tormentor. 
NOONE: (darkly) ‘m not sure that’s true. 
NOONE, narrating: This time, I was able to speak in his presence. 
Overlapping with Dream!Noone: “Why do you bring me here? What do you want?!”
NOONE: He replied,
FERRYMAN, ov. with NOONE: “Cross the sill. Sink in a twinkling. Cast aside the old sleep, to sleep again anew.”
NOONE: I yelled back (dream!Noone) “Why?! Why should I?!!” Before I finished he said,
FERRYMAN: “Blight. Not within, but without. Here, all banes be set free.”
OTTO: More riddles. He doesn’t think I can solve them, but I will-
NOONE: I already did. I think… he means by giving myself to his world, I won’t be ill any longer. That’s why… when I’m there, no more headaches. No more parasites. No more tests. 
OTTO: That’s not true, it’s not!
NOONE: [interrupting] I would almost prefer him to take me. 
OTTO: [Standing up] Don’t say that!
NOONE: Away from here. From yo–
OTTO: It’s what he wants!
NOONE: Maybe–
OTTO: He wants you!
NOONE: (yelling) Maybe your Cici felt that way too! Relieved! 
OTTO: [Angry shock, deep breaths] 
[Walking, door opens] 
OTTO: (whispering) No… (mumbling) I was only a boy…
[Wind picks up slightly in the background]
[Door creaks, click, audio cuts]
[Click, tape rewinding, click]
[Audio starts, storm continues in the background]
[Papers shifting. Door opens]
OTTO: We’re done tonight. Get out. To your room, go. 
[Papers rustling]
NOONE: (accusatory) What’s this?
OTTO: Nosing through my desk, were you?
NOONE: My name’s on it. It’s my scan, yes?
OTTO: Smart girl. 
NOONE: Wh… what does it tell?
OTTO: That you’ve got a mass. Growing on your brain- a tumor. 
NOONE: I knew it. The cure. …How bad is-
OTTO: A mass in your brain is never good. 
[Faint thunder]
NOONE: (about to cry) You should have told me. Why? Why didn’t you tell me?
OTTO: It’s not my practice to tell before necessary. Now, get. To. Bed. 
NOONE: …Fine. [Sniff]
[Storm continues]
NOONE, narrating: But after the Candleman spoke, the wave carried me by the maintenance room again. The Bag-Headed man looked through a window, terrified. He was– opposite to those kids above. Living down there, he– he’d no reason to celebrate the wave. Instead… he cherished what they dropped down by accident. 
NOONE: You see… each wanted what the other had. But could never have themselves. 
NOONE: I’m taking two sweets tonight. [Ceramic chime, wrappers]
OTTO: Take as many as you want and leave. 
[Ceramic click, audio cuts] 
[Audio starts]
[The storm is louder now]
OTTO: [Sigh]... 
OTTO: Perhaps I was cruel to tell her. But as she sleeps, I’ve been pondering the entry requisites specified by my professor. I believe he was only partly right. One need only to look at the theater of agony that the Ferryman’s created to understand fear, is an essential requirement. [threatening ambience starts] And I know better than anyone, a little fear can compel us towards discovery. 
OTTO: As for the gateway’s location, perhaps it’s not a place hidden in our world, but in our minds. Is it not possible that her tumor is somehow this unknown gateway? An organ of transcendence. 
OTTO: The apparatus may be unfinished, but its [unintelligible]*** monitor is functional. If she’s to cross over, in a “twinkling”, what choice do I have? In her words, you must try. 
[Click, audio cuts]
[Audio starts. A machine is running and Otto is typing something.]
OTTO: She hardly stirred at all while I pathed the BCI. 
[Beep, Otto stops typing. Something whirrs]
OTTO: All seems stable. As soon as her dreaming begins, the monitor should translate neurosignals into visualizations. 
NOONE: (half-asleep) Otto…
OTTO: Shhh, shsh…
NOONE: [Mumbling, starting to become distressed] 
OTTO: Shhh. Return to that sleep of yours. 
[Audio cuts]
[Audio starts. Machine is still going, storm is outside]
OTTO: It’s past midnight. She fought as long as she could, but finally succumbed. This is it. Show me, Noone. Show me the other side. 
[Noone mumbles, monitor turns on]
OTTO: Here we are. The image… a… kaleidoscope of black…
[Noone winces]
OTTO: An unnatural abyss…
[Noone winces repeatedly]
OTTO:  Wait- a shape. It’s difficult to see… [Noone] like looking through a negative mist. 
[Noone continues making noises of distress. Otto spots something]
OTTO: There! A silhouette! Ovular, splitting across the center– 
[Static rises and Otto yells in pain. Ambience is loud] 
OTTO: [Strained] It– it glares like the sun– [choking] No! A pupil! Near white! Oh god, it’s– it’s watching me! It’s watching me!
[Noone nearly yells in her sleep] 
[Whoosh, Otto yells, machine shuts off. Audio is muddled for a moment.]
OTTO: (very muffled) [Breathing heavily] Noone? [Gasp] Noone!
[Crashing, audio cuts]
[Outro plays] 
--------------
*I'm not super sure of what he says here since the door drowns him out
**I don't know how this is spelled
***According to text-to-speech, google, and autocorrect, what he says here is not a real word and I have no idea what it could be. All I know is that it ends in -graph.
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amphibia-a-day · 1 year ago
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Day 869 of Amphibia Screenshots
Episode: The Sleepover to End All Sleepovers
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theflyingfeeling · 8 months ago
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two sweaty, horny dudes ✅
sauna ✅
no plot ✅
enjoy 💦
(or: Olli/Allu get it on at the band's sauna evening for no reason whatsover other than simply wanting each other so goddamn much)
~*~
Don't bother, Joonas, let's leave the IT club to nerd about whatever in peace.
Niko's teasing words had barely stopped echoing in the sauna when Olli's lips were already on Aleksi's shoulder, his tongue peeking out to lick a droplet of sweat above his collarbone. The boldness made Aleksi inhale sharply before nudging Olli away, although there was nothing in the world he wanted more than Olli's mouth on his skin.
"Don't," he whispered. "Not here..." Olli looked up at him from under hooded eyelids and the long lashes that framed his darkened eyes, and suddenly Aleksi could no longer remember why he was denying Olli anything at all. That was why he made no effort to stop Olli when he leaned further in to take a mouthful of Aleksi's skin just below his earlobe in his mouth; in fact, Aleksi tilted his head to give Olli more room to do so and hoped the tinted glass door of the sauna would veil their...carnal activities.
By the time they heard the showers being turned off and the door to the changing room closing, Aleksi was already half-hard from Olli's hot, wet kisses and his fingers digging into Aleksi's inner thigh. By the time the last noises of laughter and friendly banter died out in the next room, Olli was already lying down on the top bench of the sauna, back arching and low moans filling the small room as Aleksi mouthed his stomach with hungry, sloppy kisses landing all around his navel and along the happy trail to savour the salty taste as much as to worship the sweet softness of his belly. By the time Aleksi finally touched the tip of Olli's pulsing cock with his tongue, Olli was but a squirming mess under his touch, all but begging Aleksi to take him in his mouth.
The long, lingering licks Aleksi left on Olli's cock drove Olli crazy – Aleksi knew this from the way Olli's groans adopted a more needy undertone – but he had no intention to fulfil Olli's wordless pleas before he'd have the man tremble for it.
"Ale, I need to cum so bad," Olli panted, grinding his erection against Aleksi's lips that were now leaving light kisses along Olli's hardness. A lone drop of precum appeared at the tip, which Aleksi is quick to kiss away.
"Ale, please," Olli was practically whining now, "please let me cum in your mouth.
"Are you close?" Aleksi asked, although he knew the answer when he took Olli in his hand and felt it twitch in his fingers, and when he saw how Olli's abdomen contracted from the touch, and when he heard the litany of swear words leaving Olli's mouth.
"So fucking close I'm gonna cum on your face if you're not gonna take me in your mouth soon."
There was no doubt Aleksi wouldn't have loved that either, and he almost told Olli so; nevertheless, he guided Olli's cock in between his waiting lips. Hollowing his cheeks, he began sucking in rhythm with Olli's groans, making sure to let his lips graze against the sensitive tip before swallowing down again until his septum ring was nearly touching Olli's pubes. He felt Olli throbbing against his tongue, twitching in between his lips, thrusting towards the ceiling under his hands that rested on Olli's hip bones, and with every lust-filled movement Aleksi felt as if there were two, fatally horny wolves inside him: one that was determined to keep Aleksi bobbing his head up and down to help Olli reach his peak sooner rather than later, and one that was curious to see how long Aleksi could keep Olli on the edge before they'd both lose their minds.
Eventually his motive to please Olli outplayed any other, more selfish desire he might have had and he tightened his lips around Olli's cock. Olli buckled his lips uncontrollably when Aleksi added a hand to the base of his hard-on to massage it, to feel Olli's arousal under his fingertips, to revel in every twitch and throb that inspired Aleksi's own aching cock that stood neglected between his thighs. He was desperate to touch himself – he was only human, after all – but as it turned out, his hands had far more important tasks to tend to: while the other was busy gripping Olli's cock, the other had sneaked up to Olli's chest to bury his fingers in the bush of chest hair which Aleksi so loved; which Olli so loved to leave peeking from the collar of his shirt just to drive Aleksi crazy; which Aleksi couldn't wait to cover in his white semen again, like he had done just the other night on the couch of his studio.
Nearly lost in the memory of frotting himself on Olli's chest, Aleksi was almost caught off guard by Olli starting to shoot his load in his mouth. At the height of his orgasm, Olli's slurred words are a mix of fuck and Ale and don't stop, and Aleksi keeps on working his tongue and lips until every last drop of cum has been swallowed, until the only noises left in the sauna are Olli's heavy breathing and the quiet cracking of the fire.
Seeing Olli's naked body in front of him, all spent and relaxed and beautiful, Aleksi could no longer ignore his own bodily needs. He sat back against the wooden panelling behind him and finally took himself in his hand, but he only had time to give himself a few, much-awaited strokes before Olli's fingers were replacing his own and a pair of lips were crashed against his. As if desperate to taste himself off Aleksi's tongue, Olli kissed him hungrily while pumping Aleksi's erection with vigorous, experienced flicks of his wrists, which had no business making Aleksi as close to his climax as it did. Yet, he found his lips mirroring the hasty movements of Olli's, grinding his erection into Olli's fist the best he could from his tight position in between Olli and the wall, and even letting Olli help Aleksi's knee up against his own chest, pushing him further against the wall as Olli's other hand teased around his hole.
Without warning, Olli slid one of his fingers in, and with even less warning, Aleksi came hard with his bottom lip tightly in between Olli's teeth so that his cry of pleasure was muffled somewhere inside Olli's hot mouth. When Aleksi at last regained the little that was left of his senses, the fire in the sauna stove had already died out; the fire in Olli's eyes, however, drilling into his from up close as he milked the last of Aleksi's cum, only seemed to flare up.
~*~
They made out under the shower, somehow leisurely and with great urgency at the same time. Olli was wet and smooth and hot under Aleksi's palms, his every curve and bone and muscle adding fuel to the already blazing flame that was scorching Aleksi's chest and groin, even without Olli's hand stroking his cock anew.
When Aleksi came again, spilling his load on Olli's fingers and stomach, his knees trembled under him from the strength of his second orgasm that evening, nearly making him fall at Olli's feet.
He wanted to ask Olli if he would catch him if he did; if he'd crumble under the weight of it all, would Olli be there to pick him up again?
Somehow the words never left his mouth.
(Perhaps Aleksi was afraid to hear the answer.)
Instead, he got on his knees again.
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theworldofkirby · 9 months ago
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can i please hug elfilin, i had a really rough day today
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phagodyke · 26 days ago
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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rookflower · 2 years ago
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the horrifying implications of Cinderpelt as a pawn of Starclan- trying everything she can to unsuccessfully stop her apprentice from leaving because she's terrified of the internalised idea of "failing" her clan and her job due to her impending death, while unaware that the entire Crowpool situation is intentional by Starclan for their own benefit to initiate the Power of Three prophecy and that her death in itself is to be Leafpool's motivation to stay- the idea that the stars, the ancestors and family and friends she devoted her life to always meant for her to die young and hopeless and were willing to manipulate her emotionally for the best outcome for them- is alone a piece of her character that's infinitely more heartwrenching and tragic and interesting than "she actually had a crush on Firestar and she's sad she can't date him :((" and I'm so mad that the latter is her primary legacy instead of any interpretations of her as a character that go beyond boring forbidden romance #17 that was barely even implied to begin with
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