#sorry i'm just so excited to have found so many stickers!

[acegodzilla]

I don't usually post about my sticker collection on here but like....just LOOK at all the stickers I found on my last couple of trips to the goodwill outlet

That's not even all of them!! I have duplicates of some and I didn't include any of the incomplete sheets or the alphabet stickers I found

Not to mention the pile of creative memories stickers I haven't sorted through...

[weirdmarioenemies]

Name: Peg

Debut: DK: King of Swing

This post is not about Donkey Kong himself. Sorry! It is about the peg he is currently swinging from. But Peg on its own is not very eye-catching, is it? We need a guy like DK here, for the brand recognition. With his help, Peg is gonna be a star admired like James Dean or Mr. Bean! Hopefully after this post, you'll all want to Get Pegged!

So, here's Peg. Sorry for the blurriness, this was cropped from the Japanese cover of the game. Believe it or not, no press kits seem to have included crisp, HD promo art of Peg! Imagine the world if they did that. They could have made sticker sheets, and you could have put them on your wall, and pretended Donkey Kong was awkwardly clambering on it. Now imagine doing that while a silverfish happened to be climbing on the same wall! It would be so exciting...

Peg is a very funny thing to me. Donkey Kong is a gorilla. He climbs. It's in his nature. So it makes sense to give him his own game focused on climbing rather than platforming. But the thing is, he climbs trees and grabs onto branches and vines. And this game is about Pegs! Like rock climbing hand/footholds! I like this game a lot, don't get me wrong. But I get such a kick out of it being about Pegs.

And there are so many Pegs. So many that they come in different colors, to make them more fun to look at! Which of these would you most want to Grasp? I like the blue one. You may note that none of these are red, like the artwork is, but maybe that's because of the GBA's initial lack of a backlight.

It does not stop at different colors of pegs, however! There are peg boards! Pegs with levers, at the ends of which are other pegs! Cracked pegs that crumble away into nothingness... and that brings us to my personal favorite peg!

GHOST pegs! These pegs have perished! They are only found in a haunted shipwreck stage, so that narrows down how they could have died. I'm sure a lot of them drowned, while others were cannibalized by other, desperate pegs. Maybe some were pried open by sea stars who then digested the delectable Pegmeat from within. Many possibilities! Wait, I haven't said what these pegs do! If one is grabbed, it will manifest a hexagon of pegs around itself, while any other ghostly pegs disappear. It is a fun but honestly extremely easy gimmick with no real catch, unless you are just oh so scared by these ghost pegs. I'm not. Not that it's anything to be ashamed of! But I'm not.

I am not entirely sure how I feel about the overall art direction of DK: Jungle Climber, since I really like the more unique spritework of King of Swing. One thing's for sure, though! Pegs and Peg Boards have never looked more natural! Now THESE are pegs that someone made and put there. Don't worry about it!

[solarswonderland]

dear hanbin

pairing: gn!reader x s.hanbin

wc: 0.5k

genre: fluff, highschool au

warnings: nothing really, just hopeless kids in love

summary: writing a love letter to him

a/n: ive never written anything like this before, I'm actually pretty proud of it. please lmk if it was alright 😓😓

*y.i: your initials

you were always a pen-and-paper person.

you didn't like typing down reminders or to-do lists, you preferred writing them down. there was just something so special about writing to you. probably the way you'd have to shake your pen occasionally because you ran out of ink. or the satisfaction you gain when you scratch out a completed task.

which is probably why you're standing in front of sung hanbin's locker, holding a carefully sealed envelope, decorated with hearts and small stickers you found stuffed deep in your desk drawers.

sung hanbin was truly not real, you thought. there was no way that man was real. he was just too good to be true. the adorable smile, the way he helps everyone around him, how he never got mad, how generous, smart, and nice he is. not to mention, he is incredibly handsome as well. it's no joke, everyone was in love with him. which is one reason you were always too scared to ever confess.

but if there was one thing you were confident in, it was your writing. you figured, since you can't form proper sentences in front of him, why not pen down your thoughts in the form of a letter instead? and that's exactly what you did.

you made sure no one was watching you and slipped the envelope into his locker. you breathed a sigh of relief and made you way to your next class.

after you were gone, hanbin made his way to his locker after basketball practice. he opened it and was startled to see a blue-colored envelope fall out. he grabbed it off the floor and opened it. he thought it might have been mistakenly placed in his locker, but instead was surprised when he read the first two words.

dear hanbin,

it was addressed to him after all. although he was tired and sweaty from practice, he was curious. he continued reading the letter.

dear hanbin,

my heart is racing with a mixture of excitement and nervousness, there are so many words i've been wanting to say to you for years, and i finally have the chance.

from the moment i met you in middle school, when you lent me your pencil because i forgot mine, i've liked you. who knows, maybe its love?

your smile lights up my darkest days, and you have never once failed to make me laugh. every interaction, no matter how small or big, is etched into my memory, replaying over and over again like a broken record. i've admired your kindness, your intelligence, and the way you effortlessly make everyone around you feel at ease.

i want you to know that my feelings for you have not faded with time, if anything, they've grown stronger.

i understand that this letter might come as a surprise, and let's be honest, life's unpredictable. but i couldn't hold back my feelings any longer than i already have. whether fate leads us down a path of togetherness or friendship, i just needed you to know the truth that has been in my heart for so long.

no matter what your response may be, i'll respect it. no matter where life takes us, know that you'll always hold a special place in my heart.

with love,

y.i ♡

he smiled to himself as he read it. just as he was closing the letter after re-reading it over and over again, he saw some text in the back which made him laugh.

do you like me?

□ yes □ no

no pressure, you don't have to tick anything right now :)

sorry that's kinda creepy isn't it

i should probably stop writing...

he grabbed a pen and ticked the 'yes' option, quietly giggling to himself.

© solarswonderland 2023

[mylahrins]

forget-me-nots, 06.

hello sugawara,

i have so many thank yous to give! the muffins were delicious, tell your brother that the gardening club thanks him very much for the treat. i never would’ve guessed that you’re an older brother, but after learning about it, i can’t help but feel that it just makes sense! how much younger is your brother? does he go to school with us? does he look like you? i’m very curious!

also, i talked to ukai the other day. i drop by his family's shop from time to time, i like the steamed buns. i like to try a different flavor for every time i stop by. have you tried them? i recommend the bbq pork flavor! is that too basic? it's one of my favorite flavors haha. he asked me to make him a bouquet for his grandpa, he's visiting him soon apparently. i couldn't deny him, but i am pretty nervous to make a flower arrangement for someone other than you. i hope i don't mess up. ukai even insisted on paying me! i said no to money, so we settled on free steamed buns whenever i visit after school. i don't know how he agreed to such a trade—i get the strange feeling he doesn't make the best financial decisions.

please tell your mom i'm thankful for the flower seeds! perhaps i'll tell her myself over dinner? that is, if you were serious about your offer. who knows. i hope you don't mind, but i've shared some of the seeds with my club members. we usually focus on nurturing the flowers we already have, rather than planting new ones. while i love the idea of exposing them to all sorts of new flowers, i want my club members to understand the importance of preservation and prioritization. if you have too many flowers, its becomes hard to take care of them. if you're not careful, the flowers might die from lack of care. but i digress, everyone's excited about the new seeds, it's been a while! though, i did keep some lilac seeds for myself, i think i'm going to plant those in my garden. they take a while to grow, but i think it'll be worth it. i hope to see you soon sugawara!

warm regards,

y/n

p.s. i'm glad the mailboxes my cousin built us are working well! the stickers on your mailbox are super cute!!

about the flowers!

➤ lilacs: these lovely flowers represent all sorts of love. more specifically, light purple lilacs may symbolize first love or even the first emotions of love. however, darker shades of purple symbolize nostalgia along with romance. haha i would also like to directly quote this flower website i found called lovingly, "lilacs symbolize young love and the impermanence of youth, making them perfect in a bouquet for an old flame who has become a dear friend" so just... let that sink in... also! lilac bushes typically take 3-5 years to grow and bloom so...!!!

masterlist | next | back

a/n: we are SO back. college apps are done and finished (minus a few supplemental apps i need to finish but who cares) im back!!! sorry it took so long! technically im not on thanksgiving break yet, but its close enough. taking a break from writing really helped my creative juices flow LOL im very excited to write more for forget-me-nots... i have a lot planned.

taglist: @yenonnoff @softpia @ryeyeyer @shoyosh @wqnsho @wyrcan @hisfuture @guitarstringed-scars @zumicho @fiannee @02shuuu @miyamoratsumuu @walllflowerrrsss @ellizasworld @dearneverland @19calicos @miliondollagirl @keeboismine @asrichin

taglist form

[aechii]

₍⁠₍ BOX OF MEMORiES ₎⁠₎

a.k.a good luck charm pt. 2

{read part 1}

PAiRiNG ?! childhoodfriend!kylian x black! femreader

GENRE ?! romance, angst if you have 15/15 vision, fluff (😞)

SYNOPSiS ?! in which kylian and y/n bond over a decade-and-a-half old time capsule that has old feelings reflourishing.

C/W ?! just too sweet sweetness, kylian has ****** **** ** ****, small mention of dismembering (it's not serious at all, i promise), kiss kiss

A/N ?! the part two of 'good luck charm' that was requested many a time 😋 divine romance at its finest, i think i luv this 🖤 anyways, enjoy this kinda long fic :D

TAGLiST ?! @mrs-bellingham

~°~

[y/n] slides an unbranded shoebox into the centre of the carpet. vertices still crisp, crooked and wavering hand doodles tattooed all over cardboard brown, with assorted stickers stuck haphazardly, in no particular order. it very much screamed 10 year old kylian and [y/n], infected with chaos and eagerness to fill any empty space.

"my mum gave this to me over the weekend," [y/n]'s voice is whimsical, "do you remember it?"

kylian scratches his head, contemplative, "not necessarily. though, i can recognise my atrocious handwriting."

[y/n] is chuckling, shuffling closer to kylian and the box, which has currently found purchase in the midst of his palms, "with you on that one. you've never been one to have good writing."

a fact that kylian couldn't deny, so he stays silent, not without emitting a surrendering grunt.

he reads that words written in block bold with black, a failed attempt at times new roman capitals.

"'bondy's golden duo- kylian mbappé & [y/n] [y/l/n]', " he snorts and [y/n] does the same.

"so corny."

"yet who made it?"

kylian is taken aback, mouth slightly agape, "right— okay then."

[y/n]'s laughs seep into the air of the room, bouncing off the walls and sinking into the skin of the man in front of her. leave goosebumps in their wake and kylian has to clench his fists to extinguish the jitter in his stomach.

giggles diminuendo, and she urges him on to open it with a light nudge.

kylian picks at the tape that edges the lid on all its four sides, sticking it to the body. the sound of tearing is swift, ends no sooner than 5 seconds later, and kylian is quick to flip the top off.

the first thing noticed is two pieces of paper, folded twice and inscribed to their respective person.

both adults look at each other, a silent gesture signalling the other to read theirs first. but none seem to want to move.

"come on, [y/n]," a smirk, "ladies first."

she rolls her eyes, complying as she picks the letter with two fingers.

"ah, won't you kill me with your chivalry."

kylian snickers, and she pries the folds open, seeing the first few words that initiate a smile, "we wrote these for each other."

kylian's lips curve into a grin too, "really?"

[y/n] nods, causing kylian to take his, hurriedly opening it as his fingers fumble, "then i definitely can't wait to read this."

"i was probably just spewing shit, i don't even remember, to be honest," [y/n] tries to excuse the impending nonsense past her had written to kylian. yet, it rather makes the man more excited.

"that's why i wanna read it... first."

[y/n] sighs, groaning into her hands, "go ahead, then."

smiling, his lips begin to move as he says what his eyes scan, aloud, " 'dear ky, i don't even know what to write but i see you speeding ahead so i'm pretending i do right now'- do you really hate me that much?"

[y/n] is quick to deny, "no! ky, you know i'm not good with words."

he pushes the use of the nickname into the depths of his mind, somewhere he could reach later to daydream over.

"i know, i know. i'm sorry." his smile portrays otherwise, and [y/n] clicks her tongue.

"just continue reading, kylian."

he does so, uttering his best friend's words through his.

"'i think i'll start this letter by saying how much i love appreciate you. sappy and all, yes, but your smile makes me smile, and your laugh makes me laugh. i don't see us as best friends, but soulmates? i think that's what it's called. anyways, i hope you stay being kylian, whatever that means. continue kicking the BALL and not my LEGS, and kick your way stardom!! i wanna see you on my screen one day. imagine it: kylian mbappé, france's best footballer (not the world's, you can never beat LIONEL MESSI!!). how cool would that be??? anyways, love adore you forever, and see you in 10 years. can't wait to open this with you haha.' "

the silence that follows is not awkward, or filled with embarassment, but instead, holds too much emotion to bear the weight of words. kylian is sure he has read it countless times within the space of deafness, ensuring that every syllable is etched into his subconscious, memorising every word so that he could proclaim them by heart.

"10 years, huh?" a number that had been exceeded by 5 years, numbs [y/n]'s oesophagus as if boiled water trickled down the walls of her throat. it seems as if all their friendship had were fraying ends of broken promises and loosening bonds.

"i'm sorry, [y/n], so so sorry." his tone leaks pained regret, [y/n] hates that.

"and, as i said before, you don't need to be."

kylian doesn't look convinced, avoids the girl's eyes as he stares at the paper for so long that the loops and leaning lines of [y/n]'s writing turns into a swirl of black in his vision.

"but you know it didn't have to be that way, [y/n]. a friendship doesn't have to end just so a career can start."

stays quiet because she truly has nothing to say. knows that if she retorts with a blame on herself, kylian would be more angry than he already is at himself.

"we departed on good terms, didn't we? so i have nothing against you."

"i didn't even know if you were alive, [y/n]!"

leaves a quiet room after, and [y/n] sighs, moving closer to kylian.

"but i did. i knew you were doing what younger you wanted, and as much as it hurt that i wasn't a part of it, you being happy made me happy."

tugs at the loose strings of a pillow that graces her lap, then continues, "you had neymar, achraf, sergio, the whole of the france national team, as your support system-"

"but they aren't you, [y/n]," blinks the burning sensation of accumulating tears away, "i wanted to experience all of this, with you, and i hate myself for pushing you away."

she doesn't like how her heart jolts in her chest, sending a ripple of shivers down her spine. they've only just gotten back into contact, yet her body is replenishing the old feelings she pushed down, because kylian couldn't like her back.

"don't hate you, never did and never will, ky," doesn't know what to say and so urgently tries to fill the air with something, "we've reunited now, so why focus on the past?

her words are final and she goes to reopen her letter. kylian stops her however. remembers what he had written, messily but passionately, and would rather she read it when he wasn't there to bear the humiliation and ache of butterflies.

"open yours later." his smile is shaky, but deems it reassuring enough.

[y/n] is skeptical, and raises and eyebrow, "why? i want to know what you wrote about me."

kylian fiddles with the thread that rings his wrist, "and i want to see what would put in there."

[y/n] says nothing, just gazes at him, but gives in and sighs.

kylian cheers, removing the novelty gift wrap that had covered the contents of the box. the laughs that follow are loud, full of disbelief.

"no way!" [y/n] reaches into the box, and takes out a metal case. the things within in hit against the corners, and she feels the weight of the box tilt to one side as they roll inside.

"i forgot about these!"

kylian is dumbfounded, "marble crash?"

she nods, opening the container. there's only a couple of the glass spheres in there, but that's all needed to complete a heated game. reads the small note stuck beneath the lid, and laughs after. it's obvious that it was written by kylian.

"'demand a rematch when you open this. [y/n] cheated in our last match before we put this in here.'" followed by angry face and a sad one.

"there you go— telling lies."

"lies?! [y/n], you never played a marble crash game fairly, and you know that."

she ponders for a few beats, shrugs her shoulders and dips her hands into the box for the next item.

"a win is a win, kylian."

he side eyes her, expression incredulous.

"unbelievable-"

cut off by a scoff, before a soft object is hurled into his direction. he catches it before it hits his face, and recognises the matted fur and missing space of where an arm should be.

"armless messi ?" smiles as he notices ]y/n]'s disdained look. recalls the memory like it was yesterday, and can't help but feel sorry for the footballer-named teddy bear.

"i'm still angry at you for that, kylian. don't look at me."

he cackles, mouth wide and he falls backwards. [y/n] climbs over to snatch her sentiment back.

"you know i didn't mean to rip his arm off." pants as he attempts to recover. fails, and starts laughing again.

"i will kick you out-"

"okay, okay! i'll stop."

[y/n] stares at the odd, white stitches situated near the bear's right shoulder, traces the abstract lines of string before settling it beside her.

"you're not touching messi ever again."

kylian whines, latching onto his friend's arm, "come on, i'm more responsible now."

[y/n] sarcastically replies, "i believe you."

kylian lets her go, and pulls out two figurines. the girl beside lets out a gasp, and grabs her respective one.

"letting this go was the worst decision of my life," she hugs the kim possible doll as kylian twists the legs of ron stoppable.

"still functioning."

"and why wouldn't it be, kylian— i swear, you have an obsession with dismembering dolls-"

"i do not!"

"yes you do!"

the back and forth continues until they get tired, lips stretched wide and upwards, teeth showcased and glimmering in the dim, warm light of [y/n]'s room.

something distinct, yet minutely incinerating surges through their bones as the sun begins to sink below the horizon and the air loses it energy. doors of locked events in the past fly open with the key of nostalgia and gasping surprise.

from a picture of kylian in a leg cast and [y/n] signing it, to outdated souvenirs from when they both went to portugal with their parents.

a staggering reminder of what they once were, and wish to be.

hours pass like seconds, the box is now only one item empty- another sheet of paper, so much for 'not being able to put things into words'- and steaming mugs of coffee warm their hands.

"are you gonna read it, or should i?" kylian asks [y/n] as she takes a sip. her head juts towards him, and he obeys, ridding the box of its last content. it's only half an a4 sheet, and it's titled '5 questions to answer', which [y/n] laughs at when she's told. decorated with more stickers and weirdly drawn stickmen, courtesy of kylian.

"what's the first one?"

"'how's life like 10 years later? '"

a chuckle, light and forced, leaves [y/n]'s lips, and she shrugs, "i wouldn't be able to remember life 5 years ago, to be honest. i guess i was just studying and living life as it came. you?"

kylian takes time to think, "won the world cup, was on loan at psg. that's pretty much it."

"you say it as if winning the world cup is nothing, kylian!"

"i'm happy about it, but still salty over the last one."

"ah," [y/n] grins, picking up armless messi as she makes him dance in the air, "he's truly the goat, isn't he, messi?"

kylian is quick to disagree, "i may play with him at home, but ronaldo tops him, by far."

"i'll tell him you said that."

"how?" he cocks his head, "and even so, he's already aware."

doesn't give her a chance to reply, reading the next question beneath, "'is [y/n] still taller than kylian?' oh wouldn't past me be glad."

[y/n] huffs, "i'm still supposed to be taller, you just had an odd growth spurt."

"it was bound to happen."

looks at him disdainfully as he snickers, "next one, kylian."

"is kylian famous yet? like as famous as ronaldo?"

"i guess you already speak for yourself," [y/n] says, smiling, "i'm proud of you."

kylian returns the grin, gives the girl a look that forces her to avert her eyes elsewhere, "thank you."

"my pleasure. what's the one after?"

kylian straightens the sheet of paper, "asks if you're a graphic designer now."

[y/n] smiles and nods, "can strongly confirm."

"always been a picasso-" his words make the girl laugh, "-how's that going?"

"stressful at times, but honestly, it's fun. didn't feel pressured into pursuing a career i didn't want so, i'm not gonna lie, i had things easy."

"but that's good, right?"

"of course. never envisioned myself in the stem industry, don't know why."

"you were smart, though. too smart," kylian playful retorts. [y/n] slides out a chuckle, "it was obligated intelligence, not necessarily welcomed, you know."

"something smart people say," he rolls his eyes after, causing y/n to shove him.

"shut up, rich man, and read the last question."

kylian is humoured, shaking his head as he goes on to read the last words on the sheet. his amused expression falls and eyebrows raise as he is reminded of what he had written as the final question.

"oh."

"what is it, ky?"

inhales, then reads the words out loud, "'are we living together as promised? remember, it has to be a large mansion in the heart of paris!' "

[y/n] tries to formulate words, fails at doing so, and leaves the room silent.

as promised.

kylian remembers. frankly speaking, it was the only thing he wanted to remember because it was something that he looked forward to in the future.

then things fucked up, [y/n] had moved away from paris as a whole and kylian tried to fill his apartment with only one presence, but failed everytime.

"it's not too late, is it?"

he doesn't know what he's saying, his mouth moves on its own accord.

"what?" [y/n] sounds winded, feels the stare on her face and turns to look at who's guilty for it. her eyes are everywhere, all over his face, all at once. from his hardened eyes to his pouted, blushed lips.

looks at the kylian mbappé now, and sees the kylian mbappé then. aged, and that's it, but devious childishness still remains.

she doesn't realise that he has moved closer, and can suddenly see the fine lines of his textured skin, and feel his breath tickle her cheeks.

"what are you doing, kylian?" she whispers, can't muster a volume louder than that.

fingers pick at her stray braid, tucking it behind her back, "i don't know... should i stop? i will if you wan-"

"no," she cringes at how desperate she sounds, "it's okay. i want you to."

kylian's thumb traces the dip of her lip, out of breath as her eyes absorb every intake of air from him. [y/n] had always caught his eye, been the only one who had, and kylian knows he would be downright stupid to let her slip through his fingers again.

a ringing phone cuts through the static silence, and they both jolt violently in shock. [y/n] distances herself from him, numb all the way to her fingertips in anxiety, as kylian huffs, digging his pockets for the source of the loud sound.

picks it up, and [y/n] doesn't hear who exactly he's speaking to, but rules them as important when kylian's eyebrows furrow inwards and mumbles a chorus of 'yes's and 'okay's. ends the call just as quick as it started, and sighs, looking apologetic.

"i have to go."

"that's okay," ascends from the floor, and stretches out an arm to help kylian do the same. knows he's too heavy for the girl so he doesn't dump all of his weight on her, using his other arm to push him upwards.

grabs his coat from the hanger by the door, and slides into his shoes, but stops as he remembers something.

"kylian, where are you going?"

"one second, wait," shuffles into the room again, and immediately notices the ron stoppable doll lying on its back on the carpet. smiles, bends to pick it up, then shoves it into his pocket. looks at the room one more time, then closes the door behind him, ambling back to the front door.

"what did you forget?"

"nothing, i thought i had."

she doesn't look convinced but lets it go, opening the door.

"call me when you get home, okay?"

nods and says an 'i will', but remains stood on the doorstep.

he truly has no clue where his confidence surfaces from, but the next second, his lips are flush against [y/n]'s. they're soft, he notices, taste slightly of cherry and it's fucking addicting.

breaks it before he loses himself within it, a small smile upon his face as his mind becomes hazed and dizzy.

[y/n] is still, eyes wide, and the thrumming of her heartbeat upon her skin is... thrilling.

"see you later, [y/n]."

+_-

'dear [y/n],

i think letters are old fashioned and something people in the 17th century do, but for you, i guess i will suck it up and write one anyways.

i hope when you read this, you smile like you always do. have i told you that you look pretty when you smile? i'm only saying it once, and you'll never hear me say it again.

life with you is fun. i don't think i would be alive if God didn't put you with me, so i'm thankful everyday that you're my best friend. i really hope we stay friends forever, and that when i become the world's best footballer of all time (after cristiano ronaldo of course!), i can show off to everybody that you helped me get to the top of the top!!

anyways, this is getting too long and you know i don't write. so, bye bye, and see you in 10 years.

i love you.'

[homoeroticgrappling]

Forgive me if this is self indulgent and sappy, but I just wanted to share some serious personal appreciation for RJ City, more under the cut. I got into wrestling by being invited by a close friend to watch AEW with them, and one of the first major reactions I had after thinking I could get heavily invested in it was to see RJ City and yell "GILDAR??" at an alarming volume.

At the All In welcome event in London, I chatted with people in the queue about how I wasn't allowed to watch wrestling when I was younger but I loved Splatalot and how excited I was to find out my favourite defender was the dashing host with the most for AEW. So many people in the wrestling community have fond memories of growing up watching the Hardys, Punk, Sting etc. For me I didn't have that but I did make sure I was sat in front of the TV for every episode of Splatalot and being around 13/14 it was one of the very last things I felt able to enjoy wholeheartedly in the way you love things before you're told you're "too old" to be so openly enthusiastic. At one point at a friend's house we tried to dress up as our favourite defenders, I may not have had the rippling muscles or quick wit but I had long dark hair and access to eyeliner so that was good enough for me to get my Gildar on, we threw tennis balls around her living room until we were forced to stop (sorry to Katie's mum and her Galileo thermometer, a casualty of our enthusiasm). Although it probably wasn't considered very cool to be doing that as a teenager, I remember laughing until we had stitches and talking about the previous day's episode on the hour long walk to school, I was thrilled to see a familiar face when I started my journey into being a wrestling fan. It was like showing up alone to a party where you expected not to know anyone and being terrified about if you'd fit in, then being pleasantly surprised and relieved to see an old acquaintance standing by the punch bowl.

Nostalgia goggles can make for disappointment when you revisit things through the eyes of an adult but watching RJ's work with AEW, he was even funnier and more engaging than I remembered, his hair more lustrous, and he had a magical ability to play off literally anyone you put him with. Watching Hey! EW became my favourite way to learn about the people on the roster as a new fan, and it became routine to tune in to RJ Makes Coffee In His Underwear. As I branched out further I found his work with Olde Wrestling was delightful, and if you haven't seen RJ City: Wrestling Raconteur I highly recommend it. The recently uploaded David Arquette Got Me A Talk Show is also a blast and well worth a watch! He's been a huge part of one of the most engaging storylines in AEW right now with Toni Storm and his increasingly frequent appearances on TV have been delighting me to no end.

I've had friends say to me that if RJ City was a real place, I'd own a vacation home there and I'm only half sure they were joking. When All In at Wembley was announced and discussion started about who'd be on the card, the first thing I said to a friend was "RJ better be there" and when I got to the All In welcome event I was more excited to see RJ on stage than anyone else at the event, I have the messages to friends to prove it:

When he mentioned Splatalot on stage at the welcome event I popped HARD and after getting back from All In, I decided to shoot my shot (not really expecting much because y'know maybe he doesn't want to be associated with a show he did years ago when he's got so many more current and impressive career things going on? He's currently crushing it with Hey! EW and Timeless Toni so maybe he doesn't want people messaging him about his stint as a handsome viking)

Not only was he willing to help, he really went above and beyond despite a (presumably) very busy schedule and was a total sweetheart about the whole thing and even threw in some stickers! I now have to get a frame to display this in a suitably prominent place on my wall

So thank you RJ City, for being even cooler than 14 year old Rowan thought you were (also I was right about you being the best defender, Gildar > Thorne my sister can go suck eggs)

[magicalrocketships]

8, 56 or 69 for the over 30's ask meme! (Or all three if you have the spoons/time/inclination) <3

(And yes, two of these are shameless way of trying to potentially find a new favourite cleaning product or low-effort meal haha)

oh hello! love everything that makes things easier tbh.

8. What cleaning product do you swear by?

Two answers to this - the first one is low cost: pink stuff miracle paste. It is multi purpose and SO useful. When I moved in here a couple of years ago, I found a use for the drawers I had as a kid which had been stored in a family member's garage - they had stickers on and were grimy and I looked at them and didn't think they'd clean up, but pink stuff took it all off, sticker residue and everything. You can use it for cleaning anything and everything.

The second one is a robot hoover. Mine is called Maxy-Max and he arrived in my life earlier this year and in terms of spoons he has revolutionised my life. I ran most days last year on the equivalent of about 3-5% battery life and as such I have pretty much zero spare energy for cleaning, but now Maxy-Max will do things like find a Christmas bauble under a table and brush it to my feet or a pen under a seat and I will think yes: I love this robot and this robot loves me (and my cleaning).

56. Favorite low-effort meal that you make?

Godddd we are very, very gently starting to occasionally cook things again after 18 months of not being well enough to, but I have two recipes - one of which is an actual fave and the other one I've made and then adapted, but it's SO nice to have flavour again in what I eat (so many ready meals and easy eat stuff that made up my last 18 months are just bland, ughhhhhh so mediocre all of the time).

The first one is an extremely easy, vaguely a version of carbonara if you squint very hard (sorry Italians) and you can use literally any variation of pre-prepared ingredient dependent on need/ease/what you have and add frozen ingredients directly to the frying pan, but:

a) cook pasta. spaghetti is preferable but whatever brings you comfort and joy

b) while pasta is cooking, fry chopped onion and garlic and bits of smoked bacon. add salt and pepper.

c) when pasta is nearly done cooking add frozen peas to the bacon mix, leave to cook while you finish with the pasta and drain it

d) stir in cream cheese/philadelphia to bacon mix, according to taste (usually 1/3 to 1/2 a tub but I don't know how big tubs are elsewhere, just however much you like, you can add more but you can't take it out)

e) stir in the drained pasta to the bacon/cheese mix. add more pepper if you like pepper (I like pepper)

f) eat and feel joy. the leftovers are even more delicious.

The second was the first thing I made from a recipe book in forever. It's a gorgeous cookbook called Ramen by Makiko Sano. It's got so much to say and teach about how to build a layered ramen dish and I'm excited to have the energy to make any of that, BUT, nestled at the back is this recipe for microwave ramen:

I loved the ramen/kimchi/tofu/spring onion mix, the cheese and sort of egg scramble was nice but I wouldn't need it every time - but it was SO nice to try something new and relatively easy for lunch that didn't make me too tired to actually eat it.

69. What are you looking forward to next week?

I had a friend to stay this weekend and it was lovely but I am now v tired (beyond normal fatigue, but in a good way) and I JUST remembered that I have a long weekend booked off work this week with nothing to fill it up yet but dreams.

ask me questions!

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

So I (finally!) bought a pair of really good noise cancelling headphones, and it has changed my life! It's the fanciest thing I've bought in years, so to recoup some of the cost, I’ve researched & written a little essay based on my experiences with extreme noise sensitivity.

Hypersensitivity to sound is something I’ve dealt with all of my life, but I only recently found out it's medically known a Hyperacusis. (Please note this is a separate condition from Misophonia.) If you consistently struggle to cope with noise, the info below could be helpful! I’m including a link to my ko-fi, and I will be answering questions in the notes.

(skip to the bottom to read fun facts about my tax return and/or street organs vendettas!)

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional, this is based solely on my experiences as a patient, and on what I have read and been told by professionals. Please notify me if you have corrections or concerns about accuracy!

BACKGROUND: Sensitivity to sound is a common type of sensory issue. While anyone can experience such issues (most people, for example, might be bothered by loud music in a crowded restaurant), some people are more sensitive than others, to the point it becomes a quality-of-life aka a medical issue.

If you consistently struggle with environmental stimuli that other people aren’t bothered by (background noises, bright lights, certain textures and tastes, etc), to the point it causes daily discomfort or limits the environments you can be in, I recommend reading about Sensory Processing Disorder.

SPD and sound sensitivity are both super common in autistic folks (like me!), but allistic (non-autistic) people can experience them too. Weep, ye prisoners of mortal coil, for none are safe, nothing sacred, not in this thy most accursed tomb of human flesh!

Anyway.

SOUND SENSITIVITY or HYPERACUSIS: Noise issues are particularly difficult to navigate in a world that is increasingly...noisy. The relatively new phenomenon of constant overhead music in restaurants, grocery stores, shopping malls etc—all of this means that public spaces are increasingly inaccessible to people with auditory issues.*

As a kid, nothing quite triggered sensory overload/meltdowns for me like the constant exposure to noise I couldn’t control—the background chatter of other kids in the lunchroom, the constant noise in public spaces, being trapped in the car with the radio on.... I had so many fights with my siblings about the car radio, and who got to choose the music.**

But it’s not just loud sounds that are the problem. As an adult who lives alone and works from home***, I’m lucky enough to be able to avoid loud environments most of the time. This does wonders for my general levels of anxiety and discomfort. But even in a mostly controlled environment, I still experience problems. Because part of sound sensitivity is that even normal or quiet sounds can feel loud and intrusive. Here are some “normal” sounds that can cause me discomfort (ranging from annoyance to outright pain, depending on the day):

refrigerator/AC/ceiling lights humming

dishwasher/washing machine noises

ceiling fan making that damn ceiling fan noise

faint sounds of traffic

riding in a car

other people having a normal conversation in the background

someone talking to me in a perfectly normal inside voice

Unfortunately, even in a “controlled” environment, many triggering noises can’t be controlled. And many parts of life can’t be lived in a controlled environment. This presents...some incredibly freaking annoying problems. Luckily there are solutions!

Sorta.

There are sorta some solutions.

They are imperfect, but they help.

TREATMENT: And now I have something rather shame-faced to admit. In all the years of managing my symptoms, it never once occurred to me to see a hearing specialist for my issues with sound. I wasn’t even aware that treatment options exist, because none of my other doctors mentioned it. Instead, I’ve spent years finding my own coping mechanisms and tools, with help from therapists and psychiatrists, but without ever consulting an audiologist/ENT. It was only while researching this post that I found out that was even an option, holy shit.

So it turns out I am going to be making an appointment with my local ENT practice. shit.

Apparently treatment options include sound/acoustic therapy, systematic desensitization/exposure therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, sound machines, and other options that I had no idea even existed, goddammit.

MANAGEMENT: In the meantime, here are my current coping mechanisms. I’ve relied rather heavily on hearing protection, which is very useful when used in moderation. Unfortunately, it can cause its own problems: it’s important not to overuse hearing protection, because in the long-term this can increase your sensitivity. So again: a useful tool, but be careful not to overdo it.

With that in mind, here are some of the coping strategies I’ve used over the last decade to manage my symptoms. This is not a perfect system and you should contact your local ENT clinic for better, long-term solutions, but in the meantime here are some tips I use to just get myself through the damn day:

Regularly spending time in a quiet controlled environment, to allow my nervous system to decompress.

Wearing earplugs, (I use two different grade, depending on the level of noise prevention I need), and always carrying an extra pair in case I need them unexpectedly. I bought a 50 pack for $7 and put spares in all my bags and jacket pockets.

(I mostly use Mack’s Ultra Soft, but there are so many types and materials and brands, including foam, silicone, wax, custom moldable etc. Even if you have trouble wearing things in your ears, you might be able to find something comfortable.)

Similarly: hearing protection earmuffs, the kind used in gun ranges and on construction sites. I bought mine online for $10. they look like normal wireless headphones, so I've never gotten comments when wearing mine in public (other than “cool heaphones” bc i added skull glitter stickers).

Sometimes I wear the earmuffs on top of earplugs, when life is just too damn LOUD.

Listening to music w/ earbuds or headphones is a great way to balance out background noises, especially if you can find soothing playlists that help you concentrate. Also useful to put in just one earbud when you need to pay attention in class/at work.

Pro tip: if your hair is long enough you can wear wireless earbuds without anyone knowing.

White noise, rain noises, ocean noises etc can be helpful! Some people like whale songs although personally this activates my primal fear response

Active noise cancelling headphones: the reason I wrote this post to begin with—I finally bought a pair! As in, a really good pair! As in, a depressingly expensive pair with noise cancelling technology that actually WORKS, holy shit. I probably need to wear them a little less at home (bc overprotection causes problems in the longterm) but they have absolutely transformed my ability to go out in public and i never ever want to take these suckers off again please take a power screwdriver and nail these to my head, bury me in the sweet sweet shroud of silence. holy canoli and cream puffs I want to marry form a civil partnership with these headphones. Plus they have a bunch of features, like being able to control the level of noise cancellation, so I can hold a conversation or be aware of some ambient noise for safety reasons.

Oh, and also they play music I guess?

Sorry sorry I promise this post wasn’t supposed to be me shilling for Big Electronics. I’m just excited, I’m an excited flabby little ball of expired flubber. ANC headphones aren’t a perfect solution, and I still sometimes wear earplugs underneath, and I will always be uncomfortable some of the time, but for me it’s been a big step.

Unfortunately the cost of good quality ANC technology means this isn’t an option for everyone, and the (much cheaper) gunshot protection earmuffs I mentioned earlier still provide an impressive amount of protection and bang-for-your buck (maybe even an equal amount of protection, if you can find ones that fit well). But if noise consistently prevents you from enjoying public space and life in general, and you’ve already tried earmuffs & earplugs and find they don’t offer enough comfort/convenience/protection, and if you’re in a position to save up for a one time non-necessity purchase of $150+, noise cancelling headphones are an option to be aware of. (Please always check the return policy so you can try before you buy. I ended up buying and returning 2 pairs before finding what worked best for me. And please look for a retailer that offers an extended warranty. You want those motherforkers to last).

There are cheaper options available, including some under $50. The ones I tried didn't work as well as my hearing protection earmuffs, but some people report good experiences, so that is something to consider. it's always good to know your options! Passive noise canceling is another affordable alternative.

Medication: A final tool in my toolbox, which for me personally has helped as much as every other method combined. Like, a lot, it’s helped a lot. It turns out some anti-anxiety medications can also help sensory issues. There’s not much research on this, and I only discovered it firsthand when a medication my doctor prescribed for anxiety ended up significantly helping my sensory issues. I no longer need medication for anxiety, but my psychiatrist still prescribes that same medication off-label for my sensory stuff. Ask your psychiatrist to research your options (they will probably have to do some digging to find relevant research, but you deserve to know all your options, even the obscure ones). Fyi, the medication I use is in the benzodiazepines class, but there are other options for those concerned about dependency or side effects.

(I'm also told anti-anxiety supplements may be helpful, though I haven't tried this yet. If you're on prescription meds, always talk to your doctor about contraindications before taking anything over-the-counter.)

So there you have it, my main coping strategies for sound sensitivity! They are not a replacement for medical treatment (except that last one which is in fact...medical treatment), but I find them helpful and I hope some of you will too! I’ve struggled for a long time, and I’m very pleased to have reached the point where I can just do things in public. Eating out in loud restaurants? I can do that now, and even enjoy it, holy shit! I can comfortably travel in cars for hours at a time, and walk around shopping malls and grocery stores with overhead music, and, and —and just exist. It is so so freeing, to feel like maybe, after everything, you are actually allowed to just exist in a world that wasn’t really designed for you.

Again, be careful not to overuse hearing protection—the goal is to allow you to be less uncomfortable and to function better, but if you find you are becoming more sensitive to noise, it is time to dial it back a notch. Or maybe consider listening to music (at a reasonable volume) to block out background noise instead.

*(This also includes people with hearing loss and related issues, btw. While that’s not my area of knowledge, I would welcome it if any of my HoH followers want to share their experiences.)

**A sign of sensory issues that parents often miss is when a child complains about music being too loud—but has no problem listening to their own music at high volume. This is because music that is already familiar to the listener (and that the listener enjoys) is much easier for the brain to process, since it knows what pattern of sounds to expect. Loud music that they get to control can be soothing for people with sound issues, especially when it blocks out background noise and sensations. This is why repetitively playing the same songs can be a helpful form of stimming.

***(working on this blog, actually. since it’s my only source of income, my 2020 income tax return literally lists my occupation as ‘Tumblr Blogger.’ Oddly, my parent didn’t feel this achievement was worth including in the holiday family newsletter.)

bonus fun fact: Charles Babbage aka “father of the computer” may have been autistic and hypersensitive to sound. He definitely had a huge problem with public noise pollution, and spent his later year waging a war on street musicians (and organ grinders in particular).

(bc like, yeah. screw organ grinders.)

Sometimes when I’m out in public and the overhead music is particularly unbearable, I’ll take a moment to look up to the sky and scream out: “HE TRIED TO WARN US! THE FATHER OF COMPUTERS TRIED TO WARN US!!! we should have listened, sweet heaven we should have listened!”

except i don’t scream it, i say it very quietly under my breath

(i have issues with noise)

so yeah that is my short essay. and here is the ko-fi goal

k ciao i gotta go pick out glitter stickers for my headphones

[that-was-anticlimactic]

top 5 ships! ♥️

F E E L I N G S

1. rarijack

okay so. rarijack was like. my first real introduction to gay was via ninjago fanfiction i accidentally stumbled upon, but it wasn't a great fic so i didn't think much of it. then, i found myself shipping rarity and applejack even tho they were both girls. i didn't know why, and for awhile, i just. didn't think about it and simply shipped them. but this has been a comfort ship since 2013. it fills me with great joy and makes me all giddy and flappy hands and like. it's the epitome of opposites attract and being able to love someone... somepony despite being so different, learning to love what they love simply because your partner loves it. it's understanding someone on such a deep level that you can say "honestly, i don't know why you're giving me your frowny eyebrows". like. f r o w n y e y e b r o w s. to know someone so well that you can tell the different moods by their eyebrows. it's being willing to give up what you want for love, wanting the one you love to take care of themself. putting their happiness above your own until they make you take care of yourself... i just. i love rarijack so much. they are everything to me. my internet friend beth made me two rarijack stickers on redbubble and they're my favorite stickers on my laptop.

2. zukka

is anyone surprised? they mean so much to me. i love them so much. they're so important to me. sometimes, i self-project onto sokka so much that it reminds me that i'm worth loving, if that makes sense? there's so much good in zukka, so much learning and self-discovery and recovery and pure love and just. okiuhgyfdgyhuijop. my brain isn't working great right now, so that's all imma say for now, but i have so much more that i can say. brain just says no :/

3. renga

is anyone surprised? to be honest, renga is a lot of self-projection??? like. i want a langa in my life. ftgyuhioiuygfg as dumb and selfish as that may sound, i just love the way that they love each other. it's so passionate, but so natural. they love eachother and naturally as they breathe. they both brought each other happiness and meaning. reki gave langa the spark of life he was missing and langa gave reki someone who genuinely cares about what he has to say... there's just so much good and pureness in it. i love them. so much.

4. jetru

oops. jetru came out of nowhere and stole my heart. just. the potential that they have is so good. i love writing for them and i love thinking about them. they always give me this warm glow in my chest. i love this dynamic and how they would both love each other so passionately and just. ahhhhh i am so excited to write you happened verse jetru edition when i have the time because i have Ideas <3

5. jack & goldilocks

so, they're from my favorite book series, the land of stories ! i love them so much. goldilocks is a very important character to me, and her love story with jack is just so sweet and wholesome. i don't really have too much to say here because i just genuinely love them so much.

i'm doing six cause i wanna sorry

6. kiane / howzer & gilthunder

so, i don't think you know them, but kiane is king and diane from the anime seven deadly sins and howzer & gilthunder are as well! kiane is canon, the other is not but it always makes me so happy and giddy! kiane makes me feel so many good feelings! it's falling in love all over again and loving each other even when they're so far apart. they're just so pure and mean so much to me. and i headcanon howzer as gay but suffering from internalized homophobia / a maybe homophobic father and he figures it out around like s3 of the show, and gil is bi and i just love their chemistry and the way they interact and ahhhhhh wish they were canon:/

[eileen-crys]

A refined lady with a pure heart

Since I was really proud of the first part of this fic, that's the "safe" one with no upsetting topics whatsoever, I decided to cut it from the whole fic and post it separately for everyone to read! 😊 I really love the fact that we have a little interview with Veronica, and I tried to imagine how it went! I edited the part right after just to give it a nice conclusion.

Original fic's post here

The air was buzzing with excitement and music, people singing all together and cheering at every song, marveling at Steven Tyler's moves and belting out every Aerosmith song.

John and Veronica had found a perfect spot in the audience, right next to Roger, Brian and Chrissie, and John clung at Ronnie's waist throughout the whole concert while also observing Tom Hamilton's moves on the bass. Always studying, no matter what.

It's been a while since Veronica had attended an aftershow party, she's never been really an enthusiast of staying among so many people, between alcohol and debauchery, but she couldn't deny part of her had missed such a dose of lighthearted fun next to her husband. 

They all followed Aerosmith at the Searchy's Penthouse Club for the party and soon the photographers' flashes began exploding as soon as the three members of Queen appeared. Now this was something that took Veronica off guard and she winced at John's side. 

"I'm leaving you guys with the photographers." She whispered in John's ear and kissed his cheek. 

"Sure. Sorry, Vee…" John gave her hand a reassuring squeeze before watching her hide behind a Japanese journalist that he had already seen a couple of times, then attached himself at Roger's side, almost blending in his fluffy fur coat. 

He knew how much Ronnie disliked being photographed at public events and his eyes silently promised her that he'd be back soon. 

The Japanese journalist turned around to see Ronnie standing nervously next to him, and gave her a polite smile, bowing a little. 

"You must be Mrs. Deacon, yes?" He asked kindly with a strong accent, and Veronica nodded shyly, not used to interacting with journalists, but with a spark of pride for John that never left her. There was something weird about being recognised as his wife, a feeling that made her neck tingle and her heart flutter.

"I am. Nice to meet you."

"My pleasure." 

They both stared at John and Roger being interviewed and photographed and the journalist knew he had to wait for his turn to ask some questions. 

"I've heard that it's just like this also in Japan." Veronica said smiling, a bit blinded by the flashes, and the journalist turned again towards her, surprised about her words. 

"We got lots of fan letters from Japan. They were not only special but also warm-hearted, using every device. Drawings, stickers, little gifts... Japanese fans are wonderful!" She beamed, reminiscing how they even received some frog-themed letters and gifts after John had revealed he had a son and they called him "frog", which completely melted Ronnie's heart. She couldn't travel that much while pregnant or with a toddler, but she could feel the love from Japanese fans radiating from the letters.

The journalist seemed to light up at her statement and bowed again. 

"Thank you! We love Queen, yes! I'm so happy to know you like fan letters, in Japan fans put a lot of effort into making them. Can I put your words in the magazine, Mrs. Deacon?" 

Veronica widened her eyes in surprise. He wanted to publish her words in the magazine? She took a moment to think about it, perhaps it wasn't a bad idea and she didn't say anything potentially offensive, after all. 

"Yes, sure! Thank you." She gave him a little bow that made the journalist almost shine with joy.

"Thank you, Mrs. Deacon!" 

Weeks later she'd find out that the kind journalist from Japan had actually published her words, describing her as a "refined lady with a pure heart", which thrilled her to bits. 

But now she went looking for John, as the journalists mixed with the crowd and moved their interest in Aerosmith again…

She spotted him for just a moment and took a couple of glasses of champagne, one for herself and one for her husband, but the moment she turned he must've moved away and it was as if John had disappeared to another planet. 

Ronnie couldn't find him anywhere. 

She took a sip from her own glass and found Brian and Chrissie chatting with other musicians, though they had no idea about Deaky's whereabouts. 

Another sip of champagne, and her glass was empty.

It was even harder to find John in a place like this, where most boys had long hair like him; she had confused at least two guys for Roger already and everyone's head now seemed her husband's. 

"Excuse me…" She patted a shoulder, meeting the gaze of a girl with very heavy makeup and a quite revealing outfit. "Uh, have you seen the bassist of Queen?" 

"Who?"

"Uhh… he's quite tall, long brown hair, long nose. His name is John." She tried to explain, drinking from John's glass now in a weak attempt to wipe away her shyness.

"Look, sweetheart, I know at least twelve Johns like that and probably half of them are here. I'm sorry." The lady slurred a bit, before turning again to the friends she was chatting with.

"Thank you…" Veronica murmured, defeated.

It was then that she felt a hand patting her shoulder, and she snapped her head back to see who it had been. 

Her eyes met John's bright smile, framed by his long auburn hair, and she let out a sigh of relief.

"Here you are!" He chirped, "I couldn't find you anymore!"

"I think it's a bit too crowded here... would you like to go for a walk?" He asked after a while, out of the blue, and Ronnie widened her eyes.

"Same, I was getting quite worried... and I drank also the glass for you, sorry." She apologised, her cheeks burning both because of the champagne and embarrassment, but John didn't seem to mind. He finished the champagne in his glass and took her hands, inviting her for a dance.

They swayed along the best Aerosmith's ballads and let themselves go at the more rock songs, having fun despite John had a preference for disco and motown. Just being with his lady, meeting his bandmates and friends, was making the night special.

"What? Where?"

"Out! I feel like walking just with you, what do you think?" He smile from ear to ear, and Veronica felt a bit taken aback, her man always able to surprise her. They were in the middle of a party and he wanted to walk in the streets of London... and she couldn't say no to that proposal, as visiting London at night had become a rare event since they had Robert.

"I think it's a wonderful idea!"

As they walked in the park, among the yellow leaves in the chilling nightof October, they held their hands, humming in unison the songs they had the chance to experience live.

"Hey, Ronnie." He called her in the almost ethereal silence under the streetlights of Putney, as they headed towards their home, where Robert was probably already sleeping in his crib, lulled by Freddie's lullabies and Mary's arms. "I saw you talking with a Japanese journalist, right? Did he bother you?"

Veronica seemed to light up, she almost forgot about that highlight of the evening.

"No, he was really nice! I told him about the sweet letters we always get from Japan and he asked me if he could write my words in the article!" She beamed.

"And?" John squeezed her hand, eager for her to go on while his heart inflated with pride, as much as hers when she saw him talking with the journalists.

"And I said yes, why not?" She scoffed casually before letting out a shy chuckle, bewildered of her own boldness as she gave an actual interview.

"That's so sweet, Ronnie! I can't wait to read the article, then. I love you." He bent down to kiss her softly and she leaned her head on his shoulder. 

"I love you too, John." 

Dedicated to the lovely @sweetiediqi 🥺💖

[toomanyfandoms02]

Halloween // Matthew Gray Gubler x Reader

Another Story based on a gif/picture! (Hope this is kinda what you were thinking @aberrant-annie )

Summary - It's the first year that y/n and Matthew are a couple, and he insists that they have a couples costume for an upcoming party.

Word count - 2.5k

Gif courtesy of @nationgubler

It was that time of year again. The time where Matthew got impossibly excited, wore tremendously weird costumes, and snuck up behind me an ungodly amount of times.

Halloween.

Now you may be thinking, 'Halloween is a fun and *normal* time of year for many families!' But you only think that because you haven't met my boyfriend Matthew.

Now let's give a little background on the weirdo that is my best friend.

Matthew Gray Gubler is an actor, author, filmmaker, illustrator, fashion model, and painter. But what they don't put on his google search profile is that, before all, he is a Halloween Enthusiast.

He and I have been best friends for over 8 years, and every single one of those years he has effortlessly dragged me into any kind of spooky shenanigan that he could. This was the first year of the 8 that we are a couple, so he decided, in a fit of glory as he put it, that we *needed* a couple's costume this year for the Criminal Minds cast Halloween party. I was 100% down for this idea, but boy, I really didn't know what I was getting myself into by agreeing to it so easily. So let's go back to where this whole ordeal began.

The day was October 15th, and I was sitting blindfolded in the passengers seat of Matthew's car.

"Where the hell are we going?" I giggled, flailing my arms around the car, blindly looking for the trail mix I left in his car the day before. He grabbed my wrist, leading it down to the cupholder and putting my hand on the bag. He knew me too well.

"It's a surprise, obviously, just know it has to do with Halloween." He grabbed my hand and placed a gentle kiss to the top of it.

"Doesn't everything have to do with Halloween with you?"

"Maybe." He laughed.

We were in the car for around 15 minutes, all the while I jammed out to a mix of songs I loved and goofy Halloween themed songs. Matthew had made a playlist of the two as a compromise.

I heard the car click into park and listened as Matthew left the car and walked to my side, opening the door and leading me out.

"When will I be able to see again? This whole blind thing is not for me." He laughed at my remark, looping his arm through mine so he could lead me to what I could only assume was my death. That's when I heard it, the all too familiar laugh of a clown.

Here we go.

Without the notice of my lovely boyfriend I whipped my hand up to my head, removing the black cloth that covered my eyes, I only heard a squeak of protest from him before I saw 'The Haunted Jail' before me.

"Of course." I rolled my eyes in a playful manner, unhooking myself from his arm. "So, why are we here."

"Well, I was thinking that maybe we could get some couple costume ideas from here. It's the jails doubles night so two workers tag team on a costume." He gestured wildly with his hands towards the sign that read *Doubles night! Couples get a 15% discount tonight*. I shook my head in amusement.

"Alright, let's go."

After walking through the 3 story building, we came out with a nice list of ideas for scary couples costumes. This consisted of :

•Beetlejuice

•Pupetmaster and puppet

•Purge

•Wedding gone wrong

•Twisted Alice and Mad Hatter

Then we just had to come to a decision, and soon.

We then sat in the car on our way home to dig out more decorations from the attic. Our house from the inside looked like someone had gotten murdered. There were giant floor and window stickers that resembled blood, fake knives everywhere, and caution tape. This all paired with the tape in the shape of a body on the ground near our fridge. But Matthew had so graciously pointed out that we needed to decorate the outside like we were a haunted house.

He was currently up in our creepy ass attic as I stood with crossed arms at the end of the rickety ladder that led up there. He popped his head out of the little square hole, wearing a jason mask. I narrowed my eyes and shook my head with the smallest smile.

"I'm gonna hand some boxes down to you." I heard him say behind the muffling mask.

The first box held large organized strings of orange LEDs and hooks to set them up on. The next box was filled with fake webs and the next was a huge box. I set it on the ground, prying it open to reveal giant spiders with tacky red eyes and long fangs.

"Are we gonna have these bad boys climbing the ivy outside?" He popped from the attic in a new, mask. A werewolf one I assumed.

"Yep!" He lightly set another box in my hands. "I hate the smell of these masks," He ripped the mask off, revealing his unruly hair and squinting eyes from the new amount of light. "why do I keep buying them?" It made my heart melt, messy hair Gubler was my favorite Gubler.

We dragged all of the boxes outside and decorated for what seemed like 6 hours, it was way harder work than what you would expect. We ended up with 2 giant spiders hung on the ivy, 1 crawling up the porch, and 2 more on the roof. The webs we had were strung everywhere, but the 'main web', as Matthew called it, was across the porch. We had LEDs lighting up most of the outside of our house, it made it look like a constant sunset, or constantly living in a horror movie. Whatever floats your boat. And lastly, we had bloody tomb stones scattered in the yard with fake hands reaching up at the sky through the ground.

Then it was October 16th. I had woken up groggily, feeling the bed beside me for Matthew, but only touching the soft white sheets. The time was 9:47 am and the sun was bleeding through the curtains. My legs hung over the bed as my limbs stretched, pulling down a shirt that was much to large for me *probably because it wasn't mine*. As soon as I stepped out of my bedroom I was met with a scream mask.

"**Morning!**" This made me scream.

"Damnit Matthew Gray! Christ, will the scaring ever end?" I say this but of course, it was really one of my favorite things about him.

"Not until Christmas." He replied with a cocky smile, kissing me softly. I grabbed the back of his neck, deepening the kiss and trying to make him take the hint. He pulled away swiftly. "I would *love* to continue doing this." He ran his hands down my arms and to my hips. "But I made you breakfast and eggs are better warm." He squeezed my hip and gently pushed me toward the kitchen.

Over breakfast we discussed what we were going to go as for the party. We came to the conclusion that doing purge killers would be the most fun. Now all we had to do was get the costumes.

So we left around 1 for Party City. The place had a surprisingly small amount of people, considering the time of year. However there was one girl in there that kept sneaking looks at Matthew. She was standing near some children's costumes. I quickly found out why when a kid came running up with an Alice and Wonderland costume. Shaking it profusely at her mom. The woman kneeled down to her size and gestured towards Matthew. I scrunched my face up.

*What was she telling her?*

Matthew had kept walking and I swiftly caught up with him in the mask aisle. As soon as I got there, the small girl I had just saw was tugging at his orange pumpkin T-Shirt.

"Hi! My mommy said she's a big fan of you on crimimal minds." I giggled a bit. She waved him down to her level, and he gladly came down to listen. "I think she might have a crush on you." I could hear her whisper. He looked back at me expectantly, I just smiled with a shrug. I wasn't much of the jealous type, Matthew was *extremely* loyal, I trusted him with my life. I shooed him towards the woman. He stood and waved at her, gesturing her over and backing up to be by me. I was trying to be inconspicuous and look at the masks. But clearly my lovely boyfriend had a different idea.

"Hi! What's your name?" He asked with a famous million dollar grin.

"A-ashley." She stood for a second, silently staring at him. "I'm sorry, I obviously didn't expect to be seeing you. I'm a just huge fan of yours. And it doesn't help that you are way cuter in person." She smiled shyly, hugging her daughter to her side. Matthew smiled politely but quickly snaked his arm around my hip. I turned to her with the kindest smile I could. I could see realization dropping from her eyes to the red tips of her ears.

"Well you obviously know I'm Matthew. This is my girlfriend, y/n." I leaned into him slightly. Me and Matthew hadn't exactly gone *public*. So it was an honest mistake that she wouldn't know we were together. But to be fair, we weren't hiding it either. "Would you like a picture by the way?" That seemed to distract her enough to knock her out of her clearly petrified trance.

"Yes! A million times yes!"

"I'll take it for you." I grabbed the phone she held out with a slightly tense smile. We took a few pictures and said our goodbyes as she checked out an left. We got back to looking at masks.

"Did you see her face when I grabbed your hips? I kinda live for that look." I smacked his arm playfully.

"The poor girl, she just flirted with you in front if your *girlfriend*. You petrified her!"

"Well I think you just made her a little jealous." He came behind me, wrapping his arms around my stomach and kissing my shoulders.

"Ok Gubler," I slipped from his grip. "we are in public." He groaned a little and followed me down the aisle. I grabbed the cool LED masks with the X's for eyes and big smiles, the typical Purge ones. I got me a purple one and him a red one. Next stop was fake weapons.

I gazed at all of the weapons on the wall. Machetes, guns, bats, nunchucks, knives, all of it. I then looked over to see my boyfriend squinting and tapping his chin in fake contemplation.

"Oh just grab the knife, I know that's what you wanna get." He whipped it off the wall and gave me a serious look, pointing the sharp styrofoam at me. He tapped it to my nose and couldn't contain his laugh as I looked him in the eyes with the biggest smile I could muster.

"You really know how to break me out of character."

So he did end up buying the styrofoam knife, and I ended up buying a plastic machete. As we left the store, the masks and weapons in hand he nudged me.

"So have you thought of what we are gonna wear?"

"Oh yeah. I already have the outfit, you're gonna love it, mine at least. We still have some spare fake blood at home right?" He narrowed his eyes at me, nodding suspiciously. "Great, then I just have to decorate the shirts." Which is exactly what I did when we got home.

I laid our two white button up's on our asphalt driveway, splattering them with blood. Matthew watched me. Sitting a lawn chair as I covered my hands in the blood and put a few handprints on random parts.

"Can I see the whole outfit you have planned now?" He whined.

"Nope, you have to wait. It's not that far away."

But he had asked me to show him everyday up until today, October 31st, party day. Now here we are, on our way back from a McDonalds run that took a *bit* longer than anticipated and we had a very slight chance of being late. We stumbled into the house and ran to the room.

"Why are we rushing anyway?" I took a pause, catching my breath. "We don't have to be exactly on time anyway." He agreed and we slowed down a bit to get our things together.

"I didn't want to have to rush out after seeing you in costume anyway." He said, slyly reaching into the closet and grabbing our button up's. I grabbed the rest of my things from a plastic bag under my side of the bed. I went to the bathroom and changed. My outfit consisted of a black miniskirt, a black cropped tube top, and black knee high socks. Paired with black heeled low-top booties. Then slung over it all was ny open button up. I sheathed my machete behind me and walked out of the bathroom to see Matthew in his bloody shirt and old dress pants and shoes. His giant knife was sheathed in a holster on his side. He ogled at me for a moment, shifting on his feet.

"Holy- wow." He breathed out. I waltzed up to him, unbuttoning a few more buttons and messing his hair to fit the part a bit more. I handed him his mask, with my eyebrows raised. He set it on the bed behind him, cupping my face and bringing me in for a kiss. I ran my hands down his half bare chest and I could feel him smile into the kiss, so I did too, and boy was he a sucker for that. He deepened the kiss and pull me towards him as much as he could, leading his hands lower and lower. Eventually he grabbed my butt a little and I let a giggle slip into the kiss. I parted from him, staring into those honey brown eyes. I felt like a teenager. He had not taken his eyes off me since I left the bathroom.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer."

"Alright." He slid he phone from his pocket, snapping a picture of me. What was I gonna do with this man? I grabbed our masks and we headed out.

We were only about 20 minutes late to the party. We turned our LEDs on and entered AJs house, as her door was wide open.

"You guys look *amazing*!" Kirsten gushed. "Especially you y/n. *Damn* do you rock those socks."

"I know right?" He lifted his mask, placing a kiss on my cheek.

The whole night was filled with chugging fun Halloween themed drinks, compliments on our costumes, slipping secret kisses, and quite the photo shoot.

*And man was I in for it when I got home.*

-----------------------

@spenciereiddd said they wanted tagged in some writing, so here ya go my dude.

[aot-snk-4238]

SNK Meta Part 2: Ymir

In my previous post, I talked about my feelings regarding Historia's character this final arc. Now I'm going to talk about Ymir, her relationship with Historia, and my feelings about her send-off.

Was Ymir a good character?

In my eyes, yes. When she was first introduced, it was clear that she had feelings for Historia, making her one of the only canon queer characters in the series (assuming Historia reciprocated those feelings, which I'm pretty sure she did). She also appeared very snarky and cynical, but us readers came to learn later on that there was a much softer, sensitive side to her deep down that Historia would be the first to witness. These revelations, including her backstory, helped flesh out her character in a way that made her very interesting and mysterious for me. I especially loved how sharp and intuitive she was. I'm going to quote the wiki on this part, because I think it does a great job explaining her impressive observant abilities. "Ymir was extremely perceptive and could discern the nature of the people around her with alarming accuracy, such as Historia's martyrdom mentality, Reiner's split personality disorder, and Sasha Blouse's desire to look good in front of her peers by hiding her native accent and developing an extremely formal way of speaking. Due to her experiences and belief in self-pride, she tended to rudely criticize people for being untrue to themselves. Furthermore, Ymir was very reasonable, as she knew what to do during her kidnapping situation and reconsidered her options to accomplish her goals." I also enjoyed her interactions with other characters besides Historia. Take Connie, for example. When he lamented over the possibility of his mother being stuck as a mindless titan, Ymir tried to distract him, albeit not in the most appropriate way (ch. 38).

Connie complained about this behavior later on, but Historia defended her, explaining that she was only trying to stray his thoughts from that traumatic discovery. There were a few more moments between these two that were fun to see as well.

😂😂😂. Ymir's looking at him like, "You ruined it, Connie..."

I love the way she pats him on the head. Knowing how much taller Connie's gotten I don't think she'd be able to do that anymore.

This becomes one of the many times that Connie calls her "ugly" when she's in her titan form. Too bad she couldn't talk very well as a titan or else she probably would have had a smartass remark to throw back at him. It's looking back on scenes like this where I wish we could have gotten more out of these two. You can tell she cared for Connie and I know he also cared in his own way.

We only saw her together with Eren once when Reiner and Bertholdt captured them, but it was very interesting to see their perceptions of each other.

Eren found Ymir to be mysterious and wasn't sure if he could trust her, which isn't surprising considering this was the only time they ever spoke to each other. One detail that he couldn't miss, however, was Ymir's undying determination to protect Historia, a goal they would both come to share later on. Meanwhile, Ymir couldn't trust Eren because she found him to be too reckless and hot-headed.

These were my favorite qualities from Ymir, although to this day I still question the rationality of leaving Historia behind considering the situation she's currently in. Historia herself called her an idiot after reading her goodbye letter. Now that I've covered my reasons for liking Ymir as a character, let's move on to her relationship with Historia.

Ymir and Historia

I've loved these two together since the beginning for their complex and amusing dynamic. On the surface, you had the selfish, confrontational tomboy and the girly, kind and beautiful goddess. But underneath were two young women who were dealt a dirty hand early in their life and lead empty lives as a result until they found each other. Their story arcs throughout the Clash of the Titans arc were beautiful and complimentary, and it's part of the reason why it's actually my favorite story arc in the series. Everything from Ymir seeing through Historia's charade and urging her to live her life with pride to Historia telling Ymir her real name and the two of them fighting side by side in chapter 49 was some of the most empowering moments for me and I will forever cherish those parts of the story.

Ymir's departure

And now the part I've been most excited to talk about! Ymir's glorious, memorable and emotional departure.

Her ending...was not what I expected it to be. She left Historia at the very last second and gave herself away to the enemy because she felt guilty for something that was not her fault. Now as we know, Ymir is selfless at heart and she felt indebted to Reiner and Bertholdt for inadvertently helping her return to her human form after 60 years of wandering the earth as a mindless titan. She also decided that Historia might be safe after all after learning that Eren possessed the coordinate. I understand all of that, but what I don't understand is...well...everything else.

This was Ymir's last real appearance. We see that Ymir has willingly chosen to accompany Reiner and Bertholdt back to Marley to give up her titan powers at the cost of her life. Many people weren't so sure if that was truly the last of her though, because her death was not explicitly confirmed for a long time. We spend the next 33 chapters hoping to get something more, and then this happens...

A glimmer of hope. Finally there's a real chance we'll hear from her again, and it's got a lot of people buzzing with excitement. Sure enough, we finally get to see what's in that letter a few chapters later and are given Ymir's backstory. Here's where the disappointing part comes, though. Ymir makes it clear at the beginning of her letter that she will be dead by the time Historia receives it, meaning that this is the only goodbye they're gonna get. The last time they saw each other, Ymir wasn't even in human form. Instead of a proper goodbye, all we get is a short letter. The anime even tried to fix this by giving us Ymir's backstory earlier, but by doing that, her letter was cut short by a lot. All that was really left was, "Hi babe, sorry I left you like that. Oh well, I'm about to die anyway. Sorry we couldn't get married." And then this happened:

Historia touches Ymir's letter and is suddenly bombarded with visions of Ymir's past, including her chained up and about to be eaten. That is definitely not what happened in the manga and its honestly very confusing to me. How was she able to see all of that just by touching the letter? I get that she has royal blood and was able to access memories when she touched Eren, but Eren is a human who just so happens to possess the founding titan. The letter is just a piece of paper. Also, I'm guessing the last thing Historia saw was Ymir chained up so that there will be no need to bring her up again like Reiner and Porco did in chapter 93. I don't blame the anime team for making that change because I'll be honest, when we saw that one panel of her in her death chamber it felt very out of nowhere and I had a hard time concentrating on the rest of the chapter after that. So here are my main problems with her death:

1. It was off-screen

If I recall correctly, Ymir is the only major character in the series whose death was off-screen. All we got were her final moments, and there wasn't even any dialogue. That part especially bothered me because you can see that Ymir and Porco are looking at each other and Ymir's mouth is slightly open, implying that she's speaking. But what was she saying? You seriously don't mean to tell me that they both just sat there and stared at each other the whole time. She must have had some last words, but for some reason we never got to know what they were. At one point I even thought that Historia and Porco might cross paths at some point and he would be able to give her closure that way but no. No closure, just a last minute goodbye letter and a glimpse of her final moments that I now consider completely useless and unnecessary because we never got more out of it. I mean really, we even got closure and an on-screen death for Marco for crying out loud. Why give him that kind of attention and not Ymir? Not to mention one of the more recent guidebooks. Her character has the diceased sticker and it talks about how she went back to Marley with Reiner and Bert, but that's it. Not even the guidebook makes it clear what happened next. Yeah she died, but did anything else happen before then? That's what I wish we could have gotten more details on like, I don't know....her final words???

2. It was anticlimactic

We didn't get enough focus on Ymir's point of view after leaving Paradis in order for her death to have any kind of lasting emotional impact. As I mentioned above, it just felt out of place and messy. There was nothing memorable about her death either. It was quite simple and boring.

3. It contributed to an ongoing literary issue that has anti-LGBTQ roots

Yep. I'm talking about the infamous Bury Your Gays trope. Now before I go any further, I am not accusing Isayama of being anti-LGBTQ, I'm just shedding some light on something that's been continuously repeated in countless forms of media, not just anime and manga. Truthfully, I hadn't heard about this trope before reading Attack on Titan, but when I did hear about it, it only made Ymir's death even worse for me. I'm not surprised that it exists and I realize that this is a manga where death is inevitable, but keeping both women alive in the end would have certainly been very refreshing. At this point, all I could ask for is that Ymir and Historia get to see each other one last time. Obviously since Ymir is dead it will have to be through other means and I don't care how it's done. It can be in a dream, a vision or through Paths (which I think would work best). Seriously, there's nothing I've been more curious about than how Ymir would react to Hisu's current predicament and what she would say to her. It would just be great for them to have one last conversation face to face because for me, the letter just wasn't enough. Of course I'm hoping for too much, though. We've only got 1-2% of the story remaining, leaving no room for further closure. It's disappointing and frustrating, but no story is perfect. I'm grateful for the content that we did get, but I hope one day I can find a story like this one where the queer characters get to live for once. I'm aware of other shows like Steven Universe, Adventure Time and Yuri on Ice that give them good endings, but those shows are much friendlier towards younger audiences and aren't nearly as dark and grim.

Conclusion

Ymir was a very intriguing character while we had her, but her death was unsatisfactory and only left us with more questions. I am not going to trash Isayama for it, but I will leave this critique here so I can unload all my thoughts for others to read if they wish, or possibly share their own thoughts. We are coming close to the end of the manga, so now would be a great time to reflect on what we read and enjoy what's left of it.

[writertitan]

MY TAN TAN *throws confetti* I am here!!! So my life okay so I finished an essay that I was reallly scared about and Im really happy!!! So as of now i am on break!!!!! This is the last one till summer so i am going to try my best to savor it and everything. I have been stressing so much and thats why my acne is going crazy- and i'm almost at that time of the month UGH. So i did spring cleaning like a couple of days ago and so now i'm looking to like make my space more mine? I SHALL SEND ANOTHER

AH SO MANY LIFE UPDATES!!! Sorry you’re stressed but LOVE that you are on break and that you’re revamping your space bc I literally just did that yesterday (part of my costco adventure)!!!! The tiniest details can really make a difference, like cute fairy lights. If you have a thrift store near you, try looking for some lights there, that’s actually where I found some rly cute ones with lil metal origami swans that go over the lights and it’s one of my fav decor pieces in my apartment 😌 and def am excited for you to journal!! it’s so cathartic to be able to journal and do it with the stickers and colors and all that. Show us how ur makeup looks if you decide to do it!!!! You are a braver soul than I at this point. Aries season is for productivity 😤

[connanro]

I've been ready to give up life for awhile (I won't actually do it so don't worry) but I hate this horrible empty feeling it's suffocating... my only friend is leaving me tonight to spend time with her other friends for a few days, but that's not even why I'm really sad. I don't understand me, neither does anyone else... (this is so scattered, I'm sorry) how do I get myself happy again?-fren

i’m glad you’re safe friend! and i totally understand how you. it’s really sucky. feelings are complicated and hard. i’m super bad at dealing with this sort of thing (my methods of “dealing” tend to include lying on the floor doing nothing and replacing my feelings with cartoons) but i have a friend who has struggled with this herself and she tends to understand and accept her feelings more than i do so i asked her for advice.

(more under the cut)

Oh friend… firstly, let me say how devastated I am that you have to deal with this. I understand the feelings of confusion and loneliness and the weird swirling vortex of terrible thoughts. I understand that dull empty hollow spot in your chest. And most of all…. I know you might not believe me when I tell you this. I know it’s hard to deal with. I know it’s devastating. and I know it’s hard to believe that these happy people around you could feel this empty feeling too.

Secondly, friendships are so hard in this time. With your thoughts against you, every step a friend makes feels like an arrow in your chest. I’ve been here, too. I’ve learned through these times, that friends are never against you. Them going somewhere without you has nothing to do with you. them having more friends has nothing to do with you. YOU are important to them, but they are allowed other friends WHILE loving you. Spelled out, it feels like it should be easy to accept, but I know it’s not. Something terrible and beautiful is that friendships flex. They can flex in strength. But, as you said this isn’t the main thing, so I won’t focus on it. As a blanket statement though, you’re friends love you, and your future friends love you. Friends are there for you, but they are as human as you are.

Thirdly. Active thoughts are your friends. The kind that bat away the bad thoughts and that go “go outside and run your stress out” while you’re in the middle of studying. You don’t have to understand everything. sometimes the only thing I can understand at once is “I am breathing. My heart is beating. I am alive.” and that’s okay. It helps to go through a list of truths. Luckily, not many people understand themselves, they just get reeeallly good at faking it. If you want to understand yourself, accept what you are and LOVE it. For example; I have a large nose. It’s shaped like a bird beak. Currently I love it. I want to draw bird beak noses on everyone because it’s now what I love. As a child and a teenager i hated it. I thought of it as my flaw on my face and soon enough my hatred for my nose turned into a hatred of my cheeks turned into hatred of my body turned into a hatred of who I am. It’s going to be really hard to understand something if you dislike it. To quote Qui-Gon, your focus determines your reality. I slowly got better. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it to learn to love the confusion, to accept what you are even if you don’t know what the hECK is going on and you just want the world to stop. You are still learning. I am still learning.

Fourthly. How do I get myself to be happy again. Friend. Friend happiness will not come easily. When I was in your position, I yearned for it for what felt like forever. I wondered if I dreamt of the time when happiness came easily. I choose a rock, and I clung to it. You’re rock can be what you want, though I would be weary of making it a human being, especially someone who is around your age. I suggest a diary, as humans are tricky and WILL make mistakes. If it helps, religion is an option too. Maybe your rock will be a spot under a tree in your backyard that you sit under. Just pick a constant that you can yell at and sit empty at. one that can carry both. It can be a coin in your pocket that you clench when it’s bad. Second, work for it. This step sucks. I hate this step. But the thing that I clearly remember that got me started in the slow crawl towards recovery was my mother forced me on my feet. I went into our garden and I weeded it. with the herbs I made a tomato soup. I could only stomach two bites. The next day I did dishes. The next day I made my bed and picked up a single article of dirty laundry off the ground. Depression makes you move slow, but fighting against this sluggishness is something that very much helps. Running helps, and by that I don’t mean the fancy running with the shoes and the clothes and the sports bra with your hair all tied up, I mean the kind of run like you’re running from something. Because you are. The kind of running where you’re laying on the floor and you haven’t brought yourself to eat today and you haven’t showered in two days and you’re wearing nothing but your night clothes and a single sock but you’re thoughts are either nowhere to be found or everywhere at once and you just need a reminder that you still have a say in what happens to you. Run then. Let the pavement hit your feet hard if you need it. run fast. run slow. run for your life. This gives you three things: a release for when it gets too much, a physical way of proving to yourself that you are truly in control, and the last reason is scientific. Running releases serotonin, the literal happiness hormone. Little steps are still steps. For me, it came in a way where I didn’t notice it. One day I had been able to laugh at a joke that my sister said without it being fake. I saw a sticker sheet and bought it for myself and was excited to put it on a letter. I drew a picture and it sucked but it was the best thing I had ever drawn and I was happy about it. It came slow enough where I started laughing at something that my sister said and we laughed and laughed. the kind that hurts your stomach and your face hurts. My laughter turned into a relieved sobs as I realized that I was truly happy for the first time in two years.

Happiness is a fight. You will get tired, and that’s alright. You will feel small, you will feel big,  and that’s alright. You will feel terrible and you will feel wonderful, and that’s alright. Happiness will be yours once again, and you, and the feeling, will be absolutely spectacular. You will succeed, and I’m will cheer for you even when you fall. You are strong.

Good luck on your journey, friend. You will succeed.