#sorry i try not to do this but im never sure how to phrase it so

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[dmndgs]

I need people to understand that there is a fundamental difference between "I wish this Fandom had more wlw content" and "ugh there's so much mlm content in this Fandom I'm getting kinda sick of seeing it."

[colectingstrz]

INCOMPATIBLE HARMONY

⤿ a beautiful passion of hatred driving a narrow pathway for foreign emotions and surging familiar ones.

𐙚 g: enimes to lovers, university au, fluff here and there, angst. wc: 10.6k w: one kiss and mentions of a parent passing p: Jay x f reader

𐙚 - like 70% proof read it’s so long I tried 😪

౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ

Your mother always said, “Either kill or be killed,” and you regrettably learned the hard way. Life is not easy, and it never will be. You must work for your goals and eliminate any potential distractions, even if they are those you care about. Everything that matters is success. Yet with more independence and freedom of choice u start to crack a little straying further and further away from the motto showing weakness and vulnerability. Success no longer being your priority as you found your focus on a particular someone.

you certainly would not mind eliminating a specific individual , a pest.. a loud, foul mouthed, vile, obnoxious, beastly, filthy inconvenience such as park.

It's not surprising to hear Jay harbours the same feelings as you; it's almost romantic when you think about it. Two people with a passionate desire hatred for one another.

౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹

Unfortunately, your Monday became more dreary when you met him waiting outside your professor's door, whom you had intended to meet.

“What are you doing here” Jay ignored you and continued typing stuff on his phone. The sound of his fingers aggressively tapping on his screen bothered you. “Hello? You know it's rude to ignore somebody while they're addressing you.”

Finally, he raises his deep, dismal eyes to meet yours. “I'm so sorry your majesty I didn't like your tone” he said with a grin “what's wrong with my tone? this is how I always talk why are your..so dramatic” You crossed your arms, your tolerance dwindling as you endured this discourse.

“No... today your tone seems more boooorish” you raised an eyebrow at his strange choice of words; you had no understanding what he had just said, which irritated you even more. You despised the way he used sophisticated vocabulary as if he were from 1985. “Do you want to purposefully mislead me? What do you think because you use fancy phrases, you're better than me, you antiquated freak”

Jay grinned. You despised it when he smiled because it felt like he was mocking you, it made you feel little, and you despised every moment of it. “Intentionally yes I'm glad to see it's working it brings me joy to see u distressed-and confused when I mess with ur little narrow minded brain maybe if u spent ur time reading rather than selling ur self out at party's every weekend you would actually know what im saying half the time”

You close your eyes sighing loudly as you try to compose your anger. He was wrong so wrong

Jay smirked as he recognised he had won. Picking up his bag, he approaches you and gently pats over your shoulder, “What's wrong? Can't bite back? Better luck next time, love.” Before you could respond, he walks away, descending down the corridor, leaving you to throw an internal fit as you accept your defeat.

౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹

“Are you coming to Jake's party tonight? It's at his beach mansion” you shrug as you begin to gather your belongings from your desk. “I'm not sure... with this approaching test, I need time to study.” Yujin rolls her eyes, grasping your arm in a plea “Pleaaaaaaaaaaseeee I don't wanna go by myself it's just one party it's not going to ruin your perfect 4.0 GDA!” you lightly break free from her grasp, “correction it's GPA.. and stop clinging onto me like a leech I know damm well u have plenty of other friends if I don't come it's not the end of the world” She groans.

“What if it is the end of the world! your my best freind I want to go with you w..what if I pass out ?? What if I.. uh.. get lost” she blurs out nonsense and you watch in disbelief shaking your head, preparing to turn and leave.

“Park Sunghoon is comming by the way”

You come to a halt in your tracks, slowly turning around. “Really?..Are you saying that only to get me to co- “yes! Really, he's back from France now; there's no way he'll miss Jake's party.” You sigh deeply, pondering whether a single male who is cute is more essential than your future. “I'll think about it.” Yujin smiles, grabbing you in an embrace and showering you with thank yous as if you answered yes (deep down you know it was a yes as well), before she swiftly leaves for her next class.

What you felt for Sunghoon was like a disease, slowly devouring you from the inside out. You've been pinning for him since your first year of university, and you thought it was just a crush until it wasn't. Now, a year later, your feelings have grown stronger. You would do anything to be in the same space as him-not to talk just to admire from afar You were a woman of many words, but in this instance, Sunghoon was different. It's as if you lost the basic mechanics of communication when talking to him; it's too embarrassing to go through again, so you avoid it at all costs and prefer to admire his features . Even in group setting with your friends you keep your conversations to a minimum.

And, of course, evil forces decided to flirt with and entice you once more by bringing not just Sunghoon but also his pest of a friend Jay into your presence as you make your way down the hall to your next class.

“Oh hey y/n it's been a while” Sunghoon smiles as he embraces you cheerfully. “Oh..h..hi umm how was France and the skating Ice- um, I mean ice skating,” you mentally leaped in front of a bus and ran yourself over 76 times because of the idiotic mistake you just made in front of him. “The ice skating competition was good I should hear back in about a week if I've qualified for the semi finals how have you been?” He looks at you intently and quietly, waiting for your response, while Jay silently notes every element of your expression. Both of their stares made you feel little uneasy, as if you were a vase on display in a museum, attracting a lot of attention. You felt your palms start to sweat.

“That's great to hear! Um.. I've been alright just p..preparing for exams right now.” You give him a constant smile, attempting to distract him from your inability to pronounce a simple basic ass word. “Yikes, midterms.. Hope you do well-Oh! Are you going to Jake's party? Or are you going to study? Parties weren't always your thing” Just as you open your mouth to speak, a rat joins in on the conversation despite the fact that he was not invited.

“Sunghoon it seems you've been gone a while she loves parties I see her at them all with that yujin girl I'm sure she won't miss this one will you y/n?” You glare at Jay, directing your focus to him, and imagine all the horrible ways you would torture him for ruining a moment with your crush. “I'm sure she can speak for herself, and trust me, Jay y/n is not a party girl... well, I have a class to go to, so maybe I'll see you at the party,” he smiles one final time before walking away, leaving you and Jay in solitude.

“Do you lack basic manners? Why are you entering into a conversation that has nothing to do with you? He was talking to meeee the last time I checked, and your not y/n.”He shrugged, “My manners are perfect, thank you very much, and I'm open to adding my two cents wherever I want to; all I did was state the facts.” You roll your eyes and reposition your back to hang over your shoulder.

“Facts? Stop acting like you know me Jay, you don't. You're not my friend, you're not my anything. Stay out of my business and my life.” You leave him as quickly as you spoke, bumping your shoulder against his as you storm down the hall.

Something you said right then must have touched a chord, since Jay's mood plummeted for the rest of the day.

౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹

Parties are just mobs of people, the perfect place for germs to hibernate and circulate like wildfire, with loud music that bursts your eardrums, piles of sweaty bodies, and excessive amounts of alcohol. You don't see what Yujin sees in this type of activity, but the show must go on, and it's too late to back out now.

Deeper within the mashion are Jay, Jake Sunghoon, and Jungwon, who are playing pool round after round. “Sunghoon, did you find any hot French girls or what?”Jake asks, peeking over to see Sunghoon as he effortlessly knocks down two of his targets into the hole. “Ice skating pre occupied me.. plus I still like her”

Now that Jay has disconnected from his talk with Jungwon, his ears immediately peek up at the sound of Sunghoon's crush, and he listens in curiously. He rarely discusses such topics, especially after his heartache with his ex Chaewon.

“Her? Omg bro it’s been monthhhhs” sunghoon sighs “I know.. but she’s just really pretty and kind I really want to get to know her more this year” Jake laughs placing a hand on his chest “ get to know her? Last year you barely held a conversation with the girl u need to work on your game if u wanna bag a girl like y/n”

Jay lifts his brow in disbelief and confusion. Sunghoon liked you. Considering the millions of girls he could have picked. Jay was completely baffled. Great distress surged over him. He became so outraged that he could no longer bear to listen to the discourse. Jay turns to the pool table, leaving a perplexed Jungwon in the middle of his sentence.

“Do you like y/n? Really, dude? Raise your standards.” Jake's mouth drops agape at his comment, and Sunghoon crosses his arms. “Yeah, I like her, and what about it? I think She's a great girl, what's it to you?” Sunghoon now turns to Jay, looking him down. The mood in the room shifts, and Jungwon, who is watching from a distance, becomes anxious about what is going on.

“It's nothing to do with me I'm just looking out for you as a freind she's not a good person” Sunghoon doesn't say anything for a time and simply stares at Jay. “Maybe u haven't had a good experience with her.. that's your opinion but I've had good with her and I'll stick to my opinion thanks for the concern bro” Sunghoon turns, grabs his drink, and leaves the room.

Jay gulped, grabbing the edge of the pool table firmly in rage. How could Sunghoon not realise what an awful person you were? All he wanted was to look out for him. Again, everything is always your fault. Jay groans as he steps outdoors, leaving the manshion.

He walks outdoors on the sidewalk, trailing his feet. He stares ahead to the shore, watching the clam ripples of water. He groans and walks on, but he comes to a halt when he notices you coaching against the wall with your head down.

He immediately becomes enraged again; it was your fault he was out here, and it was your reason he got into a fight with Sunghoon. He comes up to you talking this opportunity to throw a dig “so much for not being a party girl look at you here all drunk and wasted outside on the floor no self composure what so ever”

He waits, but your witty retort never arrives. He lifts his brow lightly, bending down to shove you, but is met once more with the presence of stillness. Jay feels an awful discomfort in his gut. He bends down to get a closer look, only to find your eyes closed and your hand grasping your chest while you breathe extensively.

“Y/n?… Hey y/n” he holds your shoulder trying to urge a response. “t..to many..” he moves his head closer angling his ear towards you “repeat that for me” you muster all the strength in your body to speak “c..claustrophobic..I’m..clau..” Jay hums in realisation.

He thinks quickly on his feet sitting down on the concrete, reaching for your hand and replacing the one on your chest with his own. “Listen to me right now. I need you to breathe in and out slowly, with 3 seconds in between, okay? Can u do that for me” you weakly nod, obeying his directions.

Each time you did, he would lightly sweeze your hand in encouragement, giving you reassuring “well done’s”and “your getting there's” the whole affair felt strange to you. He was really pleasant, calm, patient, and caring towards you. It was rare for Jay this came out of nowhere, but you didn't question it and accepted it with open arms because you needed it.

Shortly after you find your self calm. But the lingering feeling of jays eyes on you as the two of you sit in silence was uncomfortable. You find your self subconsciously looking down to your feet playing with your fingers. “So.. your claustrophobic I never knew that” you shrug still looking down “well yeah.. it’s not a big deal anyways” he hummus “seems like a pretty big deal if it weren’t for me you would have passed out”

You roll your eyes “no I would have been fine this isn’t the first time I topically do this alone no assistance needed park” Jay humms again his hand reaching to cup your chin forcing you to raise your head and look at him. You were shocked at the sudden contact and the way his hand felt so warm againt your cold skin. “Well..um are you okay now looking at your face you seem it” he then used his hand to turn your head slightly as he analyses your face. “I’m..I’m fine thank you”

A tingly feeling perks within him but he shuts it down nodding removing his hand from your skin. The absence of warmth had you feeling cold again but you brushed it off. Jay suddenly stands up dusting dirt off his back and reaches out his hand to you “come I’ll drive you home I’m assuming you woukd rather not go back in there” he raises a brow you nod hesitantly accepting his hand as he wraps it around your firmly.

“My car is about a 10 min walk are u fine with that? Well doesn’t matter if ur not we still have to walk regardless just letting you know anyway” you laugh a little feeling the sense of familiarity again this was more like jay. More like the jay you knew more like the jay you were used too. Yet that feeling in your stomach didn’t leave.

“Don’t do this again” you raise a brow “pardon?” Jay turns to you “going out in the dark at night in some alley by yourself something easily could have happened to you and no one would be there to save you” you roll your eyes “I know u don’t actually care about what happens to me stop acting like you do plus.. I was close to the beach house I would have been fine” jay sighs shaking his head “belive it all not im not a horrible human being your a girl and that make sure automatically vulnerable alone at night im just warning you love”

You humm “just save me next time then” you finnaly turn to look at him awaiting his reaction as he silently looks at you not saying a word. You quickly look away now feeling awkward regretting your exsistnce.

“Pay me I’m not playing superman for free”

Now at the car it’s mostly silent but a comfortable silence never in your life would you think you would be in jays car having him drive you to your dorm but life is full of surprises isn’t it. Soon you arrive home giving him a Short and firm bye before heading to your door.

Little to your knowledge even once you have entered your dorm Jay remains in his car watching you until he sees the lights shine in ur room confirming you have settled.

౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹

Studying was supposed to be peaceful and quiet, but all of that was disrupted the moment you invited Jake to join you.

You wouldn't call him a nuisance, but he was more distracting than anything else. Every 4 minutes, he'd start chatting about strange stuff, and when he wasn't talking, he'd be toying with your hair or poking your check unless he was performing some random asmr with his pen. Sometimes you wish you could just duct wrap his mouth so he would stop talking.

“Jake... please I'm really trying to focus here you know I have an exam soon” he looks down as if you had just rejected or something it made you feel a little bad “Fine.. if you want me gone just say that!” He crosses his arms and looks away, and you sigh, rubbing his shoulder, “It's not that it’s just you talk too much, I need quiet... on second thought yeah, leave, we can hang out later.” You sigh and Jake's mouth opens wide at your unexpected change of direction, huffing silently as he turns to go.

Peace and quiet has made a comeback

You smile to yourself as you study, but as usual, your tranquilly is short-lived when you hear the loud smack of a book beside you. Looking up, there's no one but jay. You raise a curious eyebrow; hardly one visits this section of the library unless a friend tags along, and you've never seen Jay here.

“What brings you here you don't come here this is my space” Jay ignores you, bringing out his laptop, iPad, and any extra papers. “I've come here to study obviously your not the only one who has exams here and last time I checked your name isn't plastered anywhere here so this is everyone's space,” he smiles and returns to getting his stuff.

You groan, your gaze returning to your laptop to drown him out and remain focused. However, that was difficult to do given how fiercely he was looking at you.

“Um, is there a reason why you keep looking at me like that? It makes me uncomfortable.” Jay's eyes stay hanging on yours. “Looking at you? what is it a crime to look at another human being? Arrest me.” He rolls his eyes. You shake your head, closing your laptop and giving him your entire attention.

“Your looking at me like ur going to eat me alive I don't like it please direct your eyes Literally anywhere else” Jay chuckles, moving his head closer to the point your noses would almost just almost connect . “Maybe I should eat you so I don't have to hear your nagging every day. I'll devour you whole nice and slow..how does that sound?”

Unbeknownst to you, a flush rushed across your ears, to which Jay saw with a wide grin. “That's!..that's really inappropriate, Jay. You can't just say things like that to a woman.” He tilts his head, leaning closer. His hot breath stimulating your exposed skin.

“I didn't mean it in that way get your head out of the gutter you.. naughty girl tsk” he paused for a second before starting again “plus I don't really see you as a woman” you raise a brow in disbelief and offence.

“So you’re gay?”

He then abruptly moved back. “Gay? Don't make such a misleading statement; I'm really attracted to women.” You smile slightly, seeing this as an opportunity to twist him even further. “But if you do not view me as a woman, you must see me as a man? And you want to devour this man whole, don't you? Nice and slow Don't worry, your secret is safe with me,” you giggle, covering your mouth from laughing so hard as you watched the dread drown out his face, which turned pale.

“Shut up you’re always so loud and wrong you really think I like men?” You nod “this conversation is proof right here of the Jay is gay statement” Jay places his fingers gently squeezing his temple in vexation. He didn’t appreciate being accused of liking men when he clearly is straight and didn’t like that it was you out of all people.

But

Suddenly he felt the need-the urge to prove it to you he wanted to show you just how wrong you were he wanted to put you in your place and shut you up. So he did just that

Jay leans over in a matter of seconds, one hand behind your neck, the other yanking on your lanyard, forcing tight proximity as he slams his lips against yours. If someone walked in right now, they wouldn't believe their eyes. You didn’t belive it yourself.

His lips brushed against yours, softly and carefully, like you were fragile and he was scared to shatter or harm you. His lips graced yours like butterfly wings, just long enough for him to inhale your breath, feeling the warmth of your skin in his palm as he pulled you in deeper, and the flavour of your strawberry lipgloss lingered in his head, driving him insane.

As soon as it started it quickly ended as you somehow snapped back into reality and roughly pushed him for you. Not wanting to meet his gaze you turn hastily packing your things and leaving as quickly as possible. Leaving a stunned and confused Jay alone in the library.

You slide your back down the wall of an empty corridor, like a dramatic main lead In a teenage drama attempting to regain your calm and gain a grasp of what happened just a few seconds earlier. Were you crazy--or was he crazy? Why did he kiss you, and why was it so long? Most importantly, why did you like it? You loved it You smacked yourself to recover your focus. Choosing to disregard this portion of the day as if it never occurred so that you can sleep soundly tonight.

౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹

After ten minutes of overthinking your life choices in the lounge area, the bell rings for lunch. You grab your phone and text Yunjin to come meet you as soon as possible. She soon appears and sits next to you. You had intentions of telling her but you couldn’t bring yourself too

“What's so urgent that you nee- you having a bad makeup day?” You lift your eyebrow “What?” “My makeup is fine, what do you mean?" she shakes her head, pointing to your lips. “Not your entire makeup, just your lip makeup, it's all smudged.” Flickers of the kiss swarm in your thoughts, making you nauseous.

You quickly get out your mirror attempting to fix it.

“Jay can I ask you something?” Jay nods as he takes a bite out of his sandwich “you smell unusual today” Jay raises an eyebrow, causing Jungwon and Sunghoon to focus on Jake's words: “Yeah, I noticed you smelled kinda fruity today, like... starberries” Jungwon continues, causing Jake to nod in agreement, “I don't smell like that; you're probably smelling something else.”

Unknowingly, while Jay continued to eat, seemingly a little concerned by the claims, Sunghoon discreetly watched Jay, his gaze fixed on the faint hint of lipgloss on his lips.

“Oh my gosh... look at his lips, there's lipgloss. You must have had some action before lunchtime,” Jake wriggles his brows, elbowing Jay. He gulps uneasily, caressing his lip and instantly recalling what he had done; he closes his eyes in regret. “Unless…ur gay? Or something I don’t discriminate ” Jake patted his shoulder

“I knew it I knew u were gay” jay now shoots his head up at that voice your voice as you and yunjin approach his table. You and yunjin were freinds with the rest of jays freinds and sometimes would eat with them though yunjin would limit interactions with jay as by her words “any enemy of my friends is an enemy of mine”

“Jay is gay?” Sunghoon laughs and finally joins the conversation, “Jay and gay, that rhymes!” Jake yelled earning some looks directed at your table Jay simply scowls, “Shut up, both of you.” Jay stands up and grabs his bag and sandwich before leaving. You sighed with relief as he went; sitting directly opposite him seemed wired after what had happened.

It appears that both of you failed to sleep well that night, so you spent it studying to pass the time, while Jay spent it twisting and turning in his bed, extremely upset and ashamed by his irresponsible behaviour. He wishes he could go back in time and prevent it from ever happening.

However, the burning sensation in his chest could not be ignored, and the taste of your strawberry lipgloss lingered on his tongue. He closed his eyes, remembering the taste and feel of your soft lips on his.

The next day was difficult, primarily because you had a council meeting, and of course the vice president had to be Jay, and you the head sadly had a private meeting every 15th, which left you two sitting in an office in silence

“Sooooo..” You spoke but no other words left your lips “should we reschedule this meeting at this rate we will make no progress if you can't even look me in the eye” you grimace a little

“Maybe if a certain somone didn’t just pull up and force themselves onto me I could look them in the eye” you whisper slightly folding your arms turning away. “Force? I didn’t force myself onto you it was mutual” you raise a brow “was it how?”

“You kissed me back and even added your tongue a little; you were clearly into it and wanted it- “shut up please” you placed your fingers on his lips, shushing him before he could humiliate you any further. “Can we change the subject I’m begging” Jay wanted to say more, but judging by your tone and look, he held back.

“Sorry” now, for the first time since this meeting began, you choose to look him in the eye “it was wrong of my to just kiss you out of nowhere I didn't respect your boundaries and I apologise” stunned, you remained silent for a moment before answering “thank you Jay” you smile a little for a split second before it fades away, not wanting to smile for too long because it's Jay after all.

He nods “can we like.. forget this ever happened” you don’t know what it is that you felt then but it was unsettling. You gulped it down agreeing with jays words. “Then let’s start this meeting then”

After a long 30-minute meeting, you and Jay split ways. You go to the library again because you have some free time and run into Sunghoon along the way. You consider many options for running. It's too late; he's already noticed you and invited you to come over.

“hi Sunghoon,” he smiles, waving, “hi y/n, so... do you have any free time right now?” You said, with a nod, “wanna come watch me practise at the rink?” You nodded again, but this time with too much enthusiasm, like a dog. You were embarrassed, but it was difficult to contain your excitement.

౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹

It was chilly. Fortunately, Sunghoon, being the gentleman he is, offered you his puffer, and even though you declined it 15 times, he insisted on forcing you to put it on and zipping you up. The attention in this situation felt good.

You stared in admiration as he skated; he was truly in his element, doing what he does best. You were captivated by how beautifully he swirled and twirled. You hoped you could watch him every day if your schedule wasn't so busy. Interrupting your little display, Yujin texted you.

Yapper: me and the guys are comming over the the rink to ice skate do you wanna come with?

Me: I’m already there? I’m watching Sunghoon practice :)))

Yapper : ARE U LOT ON A ICEY SKATEY DATE? ARE WE INTERRUPTING

Me: NO. He just asked since I also had a free you guys can still come it would be fun I’ll let Sunghoon know

Yapper: if you say so 👀 and btw your bestie is comming

Me: shut up you know dam well he’s not my “bestie” call him that again and I’ll block you

Calling out to Sunghoon, you step down and stand at the edge so he can hear you. “The others are coming down to skate by the way." Sunghoon nods. “Is Jay coming?” You're confused as this was such an unusual and precise inquiry to ask; he should just assume he's coming. You wanted to question further.

“Why are you asking? Is there a reason he shouldn't come?" Sunghoon hastily shakes his head, “I was only wondering—“why? Did something happen?” Sunghoon shakes his head again, “no, I just want to know that's all,” you humm, not believing a word he says. It's times like these that your psychology major comes in handy it was obvious he was lying to you. “Jay is coming”

Soon after they arrived, as you had previously briefed Sunghoon, he prepared and distributed everyone's skates. Jake eagerly put on his skates, excited and ready to go and followed Sunghoon towards the rink. Even when Jungwon and Yujin joined, you still struggled to put on your left shoe.

You attempted to fit your foot in again but failed. You were ready to give up and just watch instead.

“Are you gonna cry over an ice skate?” He teased triggering your frown “No!..this is just really hard” you turn back and try to put it back on for the fifth time. Jay rises up and crouches down in front of you, keeping the shoe in place.

“What are you—“helping I'm helping you, dumbass I'm holding the shoe in place so you can put your foot in, go on.” You comply, pushing your foot in with ease. Before you could reach down to tie the lace, Jay beats you to it, tapping your foot lightly once he's finished. “Thanks” Jay hummed as he turned to leave. Realisation came over you immediately, and you grabbed the hem of his jeans. “Wait, I don't think I can walk on my own. Just help me to the entrance” Jay grumbled, carrying your body up with ease.

“I'll just hold your hand the whole way and bring you to Yujin alright” you agreed, and he now held your hand in his, and you felt the warmth again, just like that night. You didn’t want to let go. Though from afar a pair of flaming eyes watched the scene unfold

“Come on Sunghoon I'm showing you my spin!” Jake yelled as he dragged Sunghoon's arm, diverting his attention. Despite this, Sunghoon cast glances at you and Jay as you entered the rink hand in hand, like some corny couple, and clinched his teeth in anger.

“This is so scary!” Jay glances at you, “You haven't done this before?” You shake your head. “No... this is all new to me, which is why I couldn't do my other shoe properly.” Jay now turns to you, putting your other hand in his. “Do you want me to show you something? I won't let go; don't worry, I'm not the evil creature you see me to be” his comment makes you chuckle “you sooo are if there wasn't any witness I'm so confident you would let go and leave me to fall” Jay rolls his eyes and begins to skate backwards slowly. “w..woah there What are you doing!? What if you bumb into someone! And then boom I fall have an accident and crack my head open and blee-“shh..clam down love im a pro.. I know exactly what im doing now watch and learn newbie”

Jay effortlessly glides backwards, occasionally whirling the two of you in a circle, abruptly changing from fast to slow and slow to fast. It made you a little disoriented, but it was entertaining. Soon, your freinds took notice.

“ I never thought I would see jay and y/n that close to eacother with out any violence involved” jungwon said with a smile “same.. when i look at them now it's kinda cute don't you think ?” Yujin seems complexly clueless of Sunghoon's crush on you: “uh.. nahh, I don't see it”Jake rushes in and shuts off that particular issue, mindful of Sunghoon's facial expression. Jake quickly skates towards the two of you and splits you up.

“Hey guysss y/n I wanna show u somthing come” Jake takes your hands, replacing Jay's warm ones with his chilly ones and yanking you away from him. You felt empty again, and you weren't sure why.

After approximately an hour of ceaseless skating, the others left for ice cream, but you, Jay, and Sunghoon decided to go to study. It felt odd walking back to campus; you could sense the tension, as if you knew something had happened and wanted to know more.

Before u had the chance to bring it up Sunghoon departed calming “something came up” leaving you and Jay alone. It was silent but a comfortable silence you kept talking glances at Jay really only because he kept talking glances at you he seemed he wanted to say somthimg so you gave him the green light

“I know u have something to say don’t be a pussy” Jay chocked on air at the sudden directness “well.. if you say so then please just here here me out when I say this but I really need something form you it’s kinda last minute but your the only option I have” You nodd urging him to talk “my mom is hosting one of her business events but during it she wants to set me up with a daughter of one of her brand partners but shes..she’s I can’t stand her really and..I was wondering-hoping actually if you can step in just for tonight as my temporary date so my mom doesn’t set me with her…??” Jay closes his eyes expecting the worst yet you say nothing he opens your eyes to observe you

Your countenance gradually changes, and you burst out laughing, “Jay, I never took you for the funny type, oh my..” Jay doesn't find any of this funny and frowns “I'm being serious y/n” you glance at him and your face slowly lowers as you realise he is genuinely serious “ well first of all, I don't wanna be dragged into y'all's rich people drama before they assassinate me in my sleep or some shit” Jay throws his hands in the air “no!..no this is real life not some tv show bs your overthinking this nothing bad is going to happen its just one night stop being dramatic!”

“I am not finished. Second, you don't really like me, and I don't really like you, so it makes no sense that we act like a couple. Third, I'm sure someone else would be better for this... you're not all that dumb, so no way I'm a contender.” Jay sighs, recognising that convincing you will be more difficult than he expected. He lays his hands on both shoulders and shoots you with an expression of great desperation.

“I can't ask anyone else; it's this night, and I'm running out of time. You're the only person I think can handle or tolerate my mother. I really need this, please. I'll do everything, give you anything, just do me this one favour.” You place your finger on your chin and tap it, trying to prolong this moment enjoying every second of jays expression. You glance into his yearning stare. “Hmm, I don't know..” Jay holds your shoulder more tightly than previously. “Please y/n you owe me I've helped you 2 times now this is the least you can do for me” you let out a sigh giving in “sure give me 50k” Jay opens his mouth in surprise at the outrageous quantity.

“Oh that’s not..” you sigh “you said anything this classifies as anything your rich aren’t you? You’re basically a walking bank! this should be nothinggg” Jay sighs “fine..but only after you have gone I’ll send it to you understood” you nod “if this is what its like to have a sugar daddy..then I’ll gladly come to every event can you imagine? 50k per event I might as well drop out of uni and start travelling the world” Jay chuckles at your imagination he found you amusing.

“I think I'm a bit young to be a sugar daddy plus I would never willingly wanna spoil a brat like you someone like you needs discipline” your smile dimes kissing your teeth you pinch his arm earning a groan

“What makes you think I want you to be my sugar daddy!? I'm not a brat, and I don't deserve to be disciplined at all, especially by someone like you. Take your own advice.” Jay hums, “You want to discipline me? Didn’t know you were into that” He smirked, leading you to glance away. “Why are you saying it that way!..You're so weird Jay, this is why you don't get any girls because you're a fucking creep.” He laughs, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye.

“yet your going to a fancy event with this creep tonight aren’t you?”

౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹

Another thing you didn't expect was Jay to be in your dorm room, just you and him. Jay had bursted in pushing some bags into your chest.

“What's this?” He rolls his eyes. “Are you blind?” It's obviously shopping bags full of clothes and shoes. Use your common sense...anyway, I chose this outfit out for you, so go and wear it; the party is in an hour.” You grumble in irritation, going to the bathroom to change.

You would have preferred that instead of parting ways after the conversation, he had informed you of the timing so you could have begun working on your hair and makeup instead of turning up to close to the time where you were in your lounge wear

After getting ready, you come out and present yourself to Jay. It was a long wine-colored green dress shoulder less showing your collarbone. The sleeves ended at your wrist, slightly flared. It embraced your curves, trailing down to the floor and encompassing your body--in a wonderful manner. Jay matched it with gold earrings that flowed down, a simple necklace with a diamond in the centre, and low heels. Jay hummed in fulfilment, looking down at you from top to bottom.

“How do I look?” Jay nods, “You look good, so good I'll turn straight for you.” You smile and laugh at his comment. It seemed he did have a sense of humour. You excuse yourself shortly rushing to do your hair and makeup while Jay is getting ready in your room. Shortly after, you emerge, stunned to discover his finished look.

He was dressed in an all-black suit with a black turtleneck, which wonderfully highlighted his features, particularly his jawline. You didn't want to acknowledge it, but he looked great. You subconsciously ogled at him, and Jay smiled proudly. “You like what you see love?” You shake your head, “Meh, it's fine I guess.” Jay grins to himself at how quickly you denied, as if your mouth didn't water at the sight of him. “Well then let's get going wouldn't want to be late now would we”

Soon you arrive. Jay comes out and opens your door, assisting you out of the vehicle and locking it behind him. He rests his hand on your waist, but he soon removes it. You turn to him “Can I put my hands there? Are you okay with that?” You nod gently, reassuring him. He places his hand back there, confirming to you the warmth you didn't realise you were missing. It made you feel at ease.

You both walk in while Jay greets all these people you don't recognise. To say you felt out of place is an understatement; you were dressed appropriately, but you didn't feel the part. Soon, a woman appeared, and from her appearance, you could tell she was Jay's "scary" mother, his words not yours.

“Hello, my lovely boy. Oh! And who could this be? Jay smiles and pulls you closer, “This is my date y/n.. and y/n this is my mother.” You bow and smile at her. “hello it's lovely to meet you Mrs park” His mother looks you over, looking for flaws to criticise you for. She stiffly smiles, but you know it's not genuine. “Hello there dear.. it's a pleasure to meet you. What do your parents do hmm?” You gulp.

Clearly, you and Jay did not think this through; you had not prepared anything, so you simply stated the truth. “My father was a senior clinical psychologist and my mother is a paralegal” she hums as she takes a sip of her drink. “So your parents aren't doing so well,” “ah.. what a same” you wrinkle a brow, “pardon? What do you mean by that, Mrs. Park,” she shrugs.

“A psychologist? Might as well have been a doctor, far more money, and a paralegal, was it not enough to not just be a lawyer, maybe she failed law school? I guess.. everyone has to find a means to get by."

Your rage must have been obvious. Jay gently squeezed your waist, rubbing it slightly. You couldn't tell if it was to calm you down or a warning not to overreact, but you moved on impulse. No one would speak about your parents, especially your father, who had passed away.

“Listen here..Mrs Park. I do not appreciate your comments regarding my parents' employment. As you seem to be unaware about, a psychologist is a very wonderful vocation. My father was the head of his own business and owned it; he worked in private health care. He earned a lot of money, more than enough to fucking survive…” you took a deep breath to gain composure “Oh! and for your information, I'm also studying psychology so that when I'm older, I can be as successful as my father-and just because my mother isn't in the spotlight of a law profession doesn't mean her work is any less important; she does all of the behind-the-scenes paperwork without the help of others like her , lawyers would have nothing to present in court. I’m sure you didn’t know that since your mindset is clearly limited”

Mrs park gasps and opens her mouth to inject but you cut her off “My mother makes a lot of money; she's not a billionaire, but she lives nicely and has raised me and my brothers comfortably, so do your research before you start talking down on jobs.” You handed Jay your drink and turned away to leave.

Jay's mother was taken aback because no one had ever spoken to her like that before. She was silent; you chewed and spat her out. As yunijin would say “you ate that girl” Jay was fairly pleased of how you stood up for yourself in the face of disagreements. One thing he liked about you was that no matter who it were, you held firm for what you believed in and never gave in to anyone else. “That insolent, arrogant brat! How could she!?” Jay turned to his mother. “She may be a brat at times, but she is not arrogant in general please stop from talking about my date in any unfavourable way, mother…” Jay quickly turned to walk after you.

You sigh as you step out onto a random balcony, embracing the chill. You lean on the edge, looking over the neighbourhood and gazing at the stars.

“The sky is beautiful isn't it?” You humm your eyes, not leaving what is in front of you. “Are you trying to flirt with me right now?” He rolls his eyes “maybe.. is it working love?” you smirk “if anything im turned off repulsed even disgusted it- “alright no need to over do it like I'm some creature who lacks in every ability to charm a woman” you look him in the eye “maybe you are? But one things for sure you certainly did not charm ms back there park. Neither your mother but that’s not the focus”

Jay's smile shrivels under the implications of your words, and he moves closer to you. “Listen.. my mother, like I said, she's scary, and it's hard to voice my opinions against her.” You cross your arms. “I get that, but she basically humiliated and billeted my parents. I know we're not close, but even if you said something or tried to stop her, I'd have appreciated feeling like im not on my own back there...you know? But I think I anticipated too much from you.”

Jay sighed. “What do you mean by that, and what are you trying to say? Trust me, I wanted to say something but couldn't bring myself to…” “ I'm sorry, I really wish I said something. I didn't like how she talked to you either, and I want to take accountability for that because she's my mother. I feel partly responsible, especially since I brought you here; it's my fault. I'm so sorry, y/n, and I completely understand if you just want to leave, you can I won't force you to stay.”

You turn and move approach him. You had no idea what possessed you to do such a thing, but before you realised it, you had placed a palm on his cheek, cupping it. “Honestly, everything is fine. I get where you're coming from. I don't know about your relationship with your mother, but if it's as difficult as you claim, I'll go with it. It's fine; I handled everything on my own rather well, didn't I?” You smile to yourself with pride. “I’m an independent woman after all”

Jay returned the same look, and if it hadn't been so dark, you would have noticed how bright his cheeks were at the contact of your cold hands “I like my women independent” he winked at you, causing you to quickly retreat your hand back using it to hit his chest “s..stop it” Jay smiles “would you believe me if I told you I stayed silent because I knew you were going to jump in so there was no need..haha” you flick him in the arm, making him yelp “don't make me change my mind park” jay quickly shook his head “just a jokey joke..” You smile as you move towards the door, “No worries then let's continue what we started”

The rest of the night went nicely; Jay's mother scowled at you the entire time, but never said anything, which you appreciated, and the meal was as good as you expected. “So this is what you affluent people do when you're bored?” he shrugs. “I suppose so.. I have these all the time” “How do you have time to prepare for midterms? Especially if it's 11 p.m. and no one appears ready to go home” you raise a brow awaiting his reaction “well... I make it work and quit interviewing me” you frown

“I am not interviewing you. I am only asking some inquiries. Can't a girl be curious?” he rolled his eyes, “you seem too curious for someone who doesn't like me”

“Well maybe I don't like you a little less than before” Jay raises an eyebrow, querying how you worded your sentence “Clearly, you visit the library, but not enough. Your sentence is grammatically incorrect nevertheless, I know how to decode the drivel you spew, therefore I understand you.” As usual, Jay had to find a way to irritate you. “If you understand me, you could have just said thank you and called it a night.” Jay laughs, looking at his watch.

“Like you said it's getting late we have class tommrow come on let's go I'll drive you home” you nod “loving the jays girlfriend experience it's a shame you have such as attitude for that I'll rate it a 7/10” Jay stands up with his hand against your back, guiding you through the crowd. “A 7/10? Come on, I treated you well tonight; I even gave you this lovely outfit and shoes, and I- “woah, woah, cool down, I was just kidding.. you've been so sweet to me today I’ve basically fallen in love with you at this point” you smile.

“Your in love with me?” You hum “I said basically doesn’t mean I actually am don’t get my words twisted I know how badly you want me and all..” you wait for his response yet all he does is stare at you with a look. A particular look you recognise, the look he gave you before he kissed you that day. Was he going to do it again? You secretly hoped he would.

“Y/n actually I- Jay! Is that you my favourite nephew I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

Dispite the interruption Jay isn't sure what hit him, but he wanted to make you smile like that again and again, and he yearned for another time when he could be alone with you and do whatever he wanted.

౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹

From that day onwards You and Jay were near each other more from the start. You studied together, spent your spare time together, and even greeted each other in the hallway. While you still had some arguments and words flung back and forth, they were less frequent and less sour and bitter.

“Jay Jay Jay jaayyyyyyy” he hummed as you poked his cheek. He felt the sharp agony of your acrylics scraping his cheque, but not wanting to upset you, he took the pain silently, allowing you to do whatever you pleased. “I've been thinking we should go out,” he shoots his head up. “G..go out really ?” You agree, “Yeah, there's this cool bowling place that opened about 15 minutes away from campus; we should go together.” Jays smile dropped as glad as he was to go with you, he was hoping it was to “go out with you,” if you catch the drift

But Jay was happy that you were happy and that’s what matters now. Your closeness to eacother was somthing Your friends soon all picked up on yet no one questioned it too much because they were relieved that everyone in the group was now on good terms.

But was that really the case?

What was supposed to be a relaxed atmosphere transformed into an uneasy, uncomfortable quiet. Jay Jake Sunghoon and Jungwon are present, but despite the normal cheerful environment, today no one speaks.

“So.. what's up guys..” Jake sought to break the silence but received no response. He sighs and sinks into the chair, succumbing to defeat. “Actually Jake..” Sunghoon answers “I wanna know what's up too” he speaks addressing Jake, but his eyes are straight on Jays, and Jay understands precisely what he is talking about.

“If you have somthing to say just be straight with me Sunghoon” he clicks his tongue againt his check growing agitated “what I can’t seem to understand.. is how you wanted me to stay away from her so bad because she’s a “bad person” yet all of a sudden your associating yourself with you even hanging out with her privately which you never did before..”

“Honestly I wish I could give you a straight answer for that.. but I can't really explain how I feel and I'm sorry for how I acted back then towards you about it I shoukd have just been true with my intentions” he said “then what are your intentions” Jay gulped, little nervous beneath his gaze, “I like her too, Sunghoon, and I think I always have..maybe ”

The room fell silent as Sunghoon's eyes ramined on Jay's eyes, twitching fingernails digging into his skin as his skin redness became sore. “I feel like such a fool.. my best friend has been lying to me all this time I knew it that day with the smell it was y/n's I smelled the same when I invited her to ice skate with me.. you've been lying under my nose this whole time kissing her doing god knows what with he for all I know! when I expressed my fucking interest in her!” Jay felt terribly awful for how it all played out. He wished things had been different, he wished he had never liked you or that sunghoon had never liked you in the first place, but it was too late.

“Sunghoon, I-“save it” he stood up, grabbing his bag departing. Jay gazed down with regret. Jake sighed and hurriedly stood up to follow, while Jungwon remained behind to check on Jay.

Straight after class you proceed to the lounge and in the corner you find Jay and Jungown. You approach them ready to say high until you catch on to the vibes. As you gaze at their looks bewildered, you pry

“Guys? Is everything alright?” They both glance at you silently. Jay says nothing at first but mutters a brief “I'll talk to you later” as he collects his things and leaves. Jungwon tags along, giving you an apologetic look as he departs, leaving you perplexed and alone to ponder your feelings.

Jay has distanced himself since that day. Perhaps you would have preferred not to see his face back then, but the you now dreaded it. He became part of your routine, something you looked forward to, and now it's as if it never happened. You waved at him in the canteen one day, he looked away, (ouch) the next you asked him a question, he got up and left, the other at the store he made eye contact with you and went into another section , you called, he declined, you texted, he was online but left you on delivered.

It's almost pathetic how badly you wanted to talk to him despite the fact that he ignored you every time, but you didn't want to give up; you had some hope that he'd ultimately talk to you, but he didn't.

Yujin was becoming concerned about your state; you stopped hanging out with the others at lunch, you didn't respond to the group chat despite being the most active, you stayed in your dorm most of the time and stopped going out with everyone, and when you did, you looked tired and drained this wasn't like you at all.

“What could I have done wrong yujin.. I don’t understand we were so fine like 2 weeks ago then boom ghosted” yujin sighed as she pattered your back in attempts to comfort you she truely didn’t understand either “I really don’t know.. it seems you guys were fine from what I saw maybe it’s a him issue”

౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹

Now it's the 15th, the day you dreaded. You had no idea how you would deal with Jay, or if he would even show up, because he now appears to despise you. You felt your stomach churn, which was a restless sensation. Taking the deepest breath your body could bear, you opened the door to see Jay sitting with some papers and reading them. You silently step in, locking the door behind you and sitting a few seats away while bringing out your paperwork.

Silence. As you expected

But impulsively it felt like the one chance you had to receive answers and closure because there were no excuses for him to run away and ignore you. “Jay” he hummed, not looking up, “why are you ignoring me? Have I done something wrong?” Jay doesn't say anything for a moment but eventually says “no”

“Why am I getting silent treatment then? And look at me when I'm talking to you.” Jay sighs softly, looking up to meet your gaze, and immediately lowers in sorrow as he sees your expression. “I've been wondering for weeks what I must have done to irritate you.. but I can't put my finger on it. We were getting there, Jay and we were getting along..then you just cut me off out of nowhere. What was the point if you were just going to do this? You might as well have just let me live my life, but no you made things complicated.”

“I..I'm sorry” you scoff in incredulity. He's not sorry; if he was, he wouldn't have done this to you in the first place if he cared enough. “ If you were sorry, you would not treat me this way, or... is this the goal to make me like you so you can then mess with my emotions!? and make me feel like shit since you despise me so much? If so well done actor of the fucking year.. you fooled me for sure.” You shake your head standing up, Jay replicates your movement, reaching out quickly seizing your wrist.

“Hey... no, no, it's not like that at all! Please hear me out. I didn't want to handle things this way” you sharply, remove your hands from his grip. The warmth he once gave you feeling disgusting It's as if a switch went off in your head, erasing any developing feelings and replaced them with what you once knew.

“What? Want to mislead me again with your lies and restart the cycle? Cut it out, Jay, you've won! Are you pleased with your achievements? Are you satisfied? And to think I thought we could someday... well, it doesn't matter anymore, does it? I don't want anything to do with you, Jay.” Jay was frustrated and scared, and he didn't know what to do. He attempted to convince you, but you refused to listen.

You turn to leave, ignoring his pleads. “Jay, if you know what's good for you, stay away from me right now. You've been doing so well lately, I'm sure it won't be a problem for you. Keep up the good work goodbye Jay,” you turn away, slamming the door behind you, leaving Jay to linger in remorse.

In frustration, he smashed his fists against the table, turning red. He was extremely angry. Angry at himself for being so dumb and small-minded; if he had just been honest with you, maybe things would have been different. Jay wasn't sure what to call it, but it felt like heartbreak more than anything. A wave of anguish overtook him, robbing him of appetite. He felt intense pain in his midsection, like if a shard had sliced through his gut. It felt like death, like despair, choking his body's breath and shutting down his brain effecting his ability to think.

With each passing day, you take another step away from him leaving him in the dark as he once did to you , roles now reversed he feels the same pain you did. despite his constant request and pleas that you show some signs. Your eyes show him distrust, and an averted stare.

“She's leaving today she didn't even say goodbye” Jake frowns and looks down as Jay strides into the room, reading a brow. “Who's leaving?” Jake and Yujin froze. “Uh.. no body jay it's nothing” he crosses his arms “tell me” Yujin keeps her mouth shut to keep her world safe, whereas Jake blabbers your secret under even the slightest pressure.

“Y/n! She is travelling for Canada today- her flight is at 8:45” Jake hurriedly covers his lips while Yunjin slaps him harshly on the shoulder “your so... useless,” she sighs in annoyance now looks at Jay "if your thinking of going don't bother there is no way you will make it in an hour she will be gone and wants nothing to do with..”

Yunjin halts in her sentence in shock as Jay speeds out his room you could practically feel the gust of wind from the speed at which Jay ran to his car. This was his last chance he had to at least try maybe now maybe now you would be willing to talk to him and sourt things out he needed and has been yurning to be in your Presence for so long

You sighed as you waited in queue to board your flight. Was this a hasty decision? Perhaps would it would improve your mental health 100%, especially since it was only for the rest of the academic year you needed this time for yourself. As you go through your playlist, you select a song and discreetly hum along to it, closing your eyes and immersing yourself in the music.

“Y/n!”

You were so engrossed in your music that you missed Jay desperately calling out your name as you made your way to the front, scanning your passport and pulling your bags closer to the jet. Jay worried and tried to get closer to you, but the airport was packed with people "y/n!" He called for you again.

But it was too late your figure was gone.

You wonder occasionally if you and Jay were actually incompatible , and how two wrongs may function together so strangely. Was your perfect harmony a lie?. Was it only temporary, or was it even there at all?-Or simply a thought you deluded yourself into thinking since you craving his attention so much.

You guess you will never know and neither will he.

౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ ౨ৎ

ᝰ.ᐟ - note : after being gone for moths I’ve finnaly had the motivation to writeeee. This has taken me days hopefully you enjoyed and thank you for reading ૮₍ ˶•⤙•˶ ₎ა

@SOOTREEPEAR

[dragonstailbutch]

Hey sorry i am trying to like. find examples of what you mean when you talk about mra stuff and (trans)misogyny in forcemasc content and tumblr search has betrayed me once again, can you explain?

(sorry I normally wouldn't ask but I wanna make sure I'm not perpetuating anything!! Also fucking tumblr search!!! it is ridiculous!)

so ive been sitting on this ask for months since ive got it. i want to do it justice and try to take it at face value that its being honest in asking.

The thing is, theres this trend and a weird amount of effort to be like force femme, to be forceful and like its something to fearful of and give in to. But we cant do that, cause all that does is reinforce the idea that being a man is a toxic thing. I saw this post the other day where a transman talked about like, the whole "raised as a weapon" thing, the violence and horror of being a man and raised that way versus how they felt growng into it as a transman. How they wanted to reclaim that phrase or something? i could be misremembering.

But that was never the intent of forcemasc. It wasnt actually about being a dude, literally *forcing* someone who was unwilling into masculinity, none of the posts that i made that started the community (and yes i, a transfem butch woman, started and made this community and some of yall need to get over yourselves) were ever about that, it was intended to be a soft mimic or even a call to forcefemme.

i was all about making it soft and tender for a reason, cause if i didnt i was only reinforcing the toxic masculinity narrative, "men fighting in the mud" "men are dominant and cool" " to be a man is to be forced into masculinity and to be disgusted with the feminine" or whatever. When masculinity isnt about just men, and being butch isnt just being masculine. masculinity should also be sensitivity, not domination. i wanted it to be better, show a better side of what masculinity could be, what being butch is.

Ive spoken before a bit too, about the tags people used and added to forcemasc, and really maybe i was wrong in ever naming it forcemasc. people used and still use tags like autoandrophilia, autoandrophile, androphile, autogynephilia, androphilia, and autogynephile. Ive seen so many people with urls and tags and posts calling themselves transandrobros, literally calling themselves MRAs, as if that was something to be proud of, as if they dont understand that they arent fighting for their and our rights, they're fighting for cis-mens rights by using those names and terms, not transmascs/transmens rights. I can understand ignorance, but weve talked about how the words you use have history, especially those like the tags i mentioned and androphilia and androphobia and others, all of them have roots in deeeeeeeply misogynistic and transphobic people and history.

Literally all of these are awful and are phrases that arent and wont be reclaimed because theyre history is one of pain and hurting trans people, one of coercive 'help', literal forced detransitioning and reinforcement of MRA and terf narrative that men are both good and the worst creature alive and that to be a woman is to be disgusting and the purest thing all at once. That to be a transwoman is sick and we shouldnt be trusted.

Im trying to be very kind, not scream and rage, not because i dont desperately want to, but because if i do, as a butch transwoman, ESPECIALLY cause i claim being butch, people wont listen to me no matter how much of what i say is meaningful. one of the reasons why im doing this NO, instead of in anothr day or two, is that im coming to terms with the fact that the situation will just get qorse, not better without words.

Part of why im still sane is that ive gotten a couple asks here and there about how my posts and creation of the community has helped them and its so wonderful to see that, genuinely so amazing to see people recontextualize and love themselves. its wonderful and im so fucking happy about it.

i personally made this space so i could love myself, who i am as a trans person and my body, and i knew that other people needed and wanted that for themselves too and i wanted to help, share this love with more people. That to be hairy and chubby and masculine and butch was a nice thing. But to me it feels like it was coerced into being a thing for Men. A thing no longer for me or people like me who share the butch culture and name to no longer enjoy cause people unfamiliar with kink and tran history have decided that masculinity and butchness are the exact same thing. Id say people should go be a bear, but you wont learn their culture either and thats cruel and insulting to bears.

We deserve better You deserve better. Stop falling for the lies and hate. We beg you

[flower-boi16]

sorry for the incoming rant.

(cw for: mainly arophobia but also mentions of acephobia and mentions of people shipping an abuser with their victim)

praying for the teens and pre teens who think hazbin is *the* show for queer rep or progressive in any matter. it scares me immensely. not only the blatant fetishism and sex negativity and whatnot, but the fact people are being taught that labels *don't mean anything* and that they can do whatever they want (with a character).

yeah, "i gave my characters labels but fuck those labels ship whatever you want" is SURELY a great sentiment to leave behind. surely nobody would erase or discriminate against labels and identity, right? surely people WOULDN'T repsect labels and identities, right?*COUGH* *COUGH*

seriously the amount of ace- but more aro-phobia in that cult/clusterfuck in that fandom is insane. i hate how the aro tag has been poisoned/infiltrated by red twink no. 45 because of shipping discourse, and these people are being enabled by their "leader", never being lectured correctly. these people will ONLY listen to anyone who either agrees with them or isn't part of said label/identity. im so pissed. aros have little to none rep AT ALL and even then people will erase existing rep or come up with shitty excuses (if i hear the phrase "b-but aros can still date!!" one more time im breaking something. you dont care about the AROMANTIC dating experience, you only care about your stickmen kissing. period.). its more than exhausting.

i am not the only aro and aro-ace severly pissed off by this but im afraid there's nothing we can do. these people ship a severly traumatized victim and their assaulter together so im not suprised. at all.

all i came to know is that nobody actually fucking cares about representation or labels- they're all hopping around in fanfiction-shipping wonderland and bullying people relentlessly if they DARE to think otherwise. and they're being enabled.

-an exhausted and "done" aromantic. (i'm also on the ace spectrum but that's not as important to me right now- even though striker- the only one that's not horny 24/7 and clearly sex-repulsed or at least disgusted, is played as a big joke, but i believe someone else already said that. but that alone should raise eyebrows.)

Honestly, I don't even know what to add other than...this fandom kinda sucks. Like first bullying someone into killing themselves over shipping stuff and now this? And the fact that Viv doesn't call out ANY of this shit at all makes it worse.

Look, I'm of the opinion that we should not blame a creator for having a shitty fandom, HOWEVER, Viv needs to stop enabling her fans and say SOMETHING about this behavior.....but she isn't. Like, she could just say "hey guys stop doing this pls" buuuuut no. She's too busy whining about people criticizing her shows to actually do that.

Alastor is aroace guys, stop trying to erase that part of him just so you can drool over him. Just do that for LITTERALY ANY OTHER CHARACTER. It's that simple.

[taxes-evasion]

OMG HIII im so excited for a creepypasta writer :3 may i please request you write for hoodie nd masky, reader also being a proxy!!!! it could be general hcs or whatevs, up to you!! if you dont want to do this req, its ok, if u want me to req smthn else u can always pm me

HIII and thank you so much! I hope I complied with your request (sorry if I didn't).

Characters included: Reader (as proxy), Slenderman (named sometimes as Boss), Masky and Hoodie + mention of other proxies.

Small Warnings: mention of kidnapping, mention of dizziness, actions of light bullying, mention of broken bones, deep cuts, bruises, killing and curse words. Proxies are not kind toward newbie at all :(

⚠️Writer's Notices⚠️: I think I expanded the request without intending to? I'm not sure about that. I just like to give a lot of informations about the characters, so I also put a very light backstory of the Reader. I hope this doesn't bother you and, of course, if you wish, you can skip everything and go to the part that interests you the most. I'm not judging. Please enjoy!

𝑀𝐴𝑆𝐾𝑌 𝐴𝑁𝐷 𝐻𝑂𝑂𝐷𝐼𝐸 𝑊𝐼𝑇𝐻 𝐴 𝑃𝑅𝑂𝑋𝑌 𝑅𝐸𝐴𝐷𝐸𝑅

HOW DID YOU BECOME A PROXY?

You are probably in contact with kids/young adults who saw Slenderman;

Maybe a babysitter or a psychiatrist;

The fact is that you will never encounter proxies initially;

It is very important for Slenderman to decide for himself his servants;

Toby had once brought a girl into the mansion unbeknownst to Boss... Let's say she stayed for a short time;

Of course, Toby doesn't remember her anymore;

One day someone tells you about this strange, tall and thin man who appears in their dreams and in the woods;

However, one day you were normally on your way home when you started to feel dizzy;

And... surprise! Shortly afterwards you were in a dark office without any kind of light, forced to listen to a faceless man;

You don't remember much about how you get there but your attention, of course, is not centered on that small detail;

BUT WHY WERE YOU RECRUITED BY SLENDERMAN?

Most likely because you have a very good intellect and you reason efficiently;

The Big Boss really needs proxies like that;

Not an athletic person? DON'T WORRY! Slenderman already knows everything about you and what type of training you need, he already comes up with a training program just for you!

(Be grateful and don't try to run away, this tired old man ain't got no time to come and haunt you) :(

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

One surprise after another, apparently! (actually, you could easily imagine what is about to happen);

You are entrusted to some proxies who will take you under their "protective" wing;

These proxies are: Masky, Hoodie, and Toby!

But mainly Masky and Hoodie since they are the only ones who have actually done any training when they arrived at the mansion;

Toby isn't very present because he doesn't care much and would still struggle to have an initial relationship given his Antisocial Personality Disorder;

But don't worry! He'll get used to you soon!

HOW DO MASKY AND HOODIE BEHAVE TOWARDS YOU?

They are slightly heartless bitches :(

(they're actually "somehow" nice to you but not too much);

I mean they would help you with training but make fun of you whenever they can;

This mainly Masky;

Hoodie simply giggles meanly and nods;

DON'T LET THESE "INSTRUCTORS" OF YOURS FIND OUT THAT YOU'RE SENSITIVE OR THAT YOU CRY EASILY!

(This is honestly me);

I say this for your own good, really;

If Masky notices a sniffling or shining eyes from tears that would like to fall... you will find out what hell is;

You will no longer know what dignity is...

"Awwww, don't tell me our little newbie is going to cry, right?" it may be the phrase you'll hear the most;

Masky will basically yell it in the presence of ALL the residents of the mansion just to give you a reason to cry more;

"Come on Masky, can't you see that the frail little thing here is shaking? Give them some personal space."

Another reality revealed, but this time it's Hoodie's fault;

He probably won't yell it like Masky, but he'll still say it in a higher-than-average tone of voice;

BUT WHAT IF YOU'RE ACTUALLY VERY BADASS?

If they notice that you are actually very neutral and don't care about their nasty comments, they will simply stop;

After all, it's no fun if there are no reactions;

Basically, they will just give you the advice you need to improve;

However, you may also have a short fuse!

Maybe you shouldn't point it out, you might unintentionally push yourself further, and since Masky also has a short fuse, you could start a fight with him;

If there's Hoodie nearby he'll stop Masky before killing you (but you'll have some deep cuts, bruises and, at worst, broken bones);

However, in the absence of Hoodie/other proxies, you will be killed without much scruples;

Butttt... consider yourself lucky because usually Hoodie and Masky are together all the time, either for tasks and because they have established a good relationship and don't spend much time with the other residents;

Above all they are good instructors;

They know when you've reached your limit and will stop you if they see you're going too far;

They will give you advice and plan a diet if they see that it is necessary;

It could have been worse, couldn't it?

WHAT DO THEY LOOK LIKE DURING TRAINING?

As said before, they would certainly help you a lot;

Both with advice and by encouraging you to keep going;

(they will become more and more familiar with this as time goes on);

However, I like to imagine that Hoodie does the exercises with you, both to keep fit and to be an example for you;

Masky observes the two of you, smoking his cigarettes;

In some cases he will join you;

(he made a bet on who does the most running laps with Hoodie);

"You know, Y/N, Masky has never been able to beat me in a running challenge", Hoodie usually makes fun of Masky;

"For fuck's sake, just shut up!" and Masky responds in a bad way;

While they may seem quite calm while training you, don't forget that they are professional assassins;

You don't really want to see them when they have to torture/kill someone;

But one day, for sure, you're going to see that because, ops!, from now on you are a proxy;

Good luck with that!

Okay, that's all about our two favorite proxies!

I really have to write headcanons about their backstories because I've honestly always wanted to do that.

I hope you enjoyed this!

♡

[gorgonwrites]

bound to you (part 1)

diluc x fem!reader

authors note: hi! im gorgon and this is my first fic :) i am definitely NOT a writer, but i had an idea and i decided i wanted to do it myself >:)) this is turning into a slow burn type of thing i am so sorry haha. i usually like getting right into the thick of things but i just kept writing sos 

wc: 1,864

cw: uuuuuh none for now, no smut in this one! mutual pining, diluc is dumb and is trying to ignore his feelings for reader, fem!reader, arranged marriage trope, diluc learning to be a good husband blah blah 

It’s been six months since you came to the Dawn Winery. You’ve come to love Mondstadt and you adore the staff who share your home. The only person who was still warming up to you is your cold shouldered husband. Master Diluc wasn’t known to be an affectionate man, and he kept himself busy with business or stayed late at Angels Share. Even though you’d been married for months, you could count on one hand how many times you’d actually spent a moment alone with him. He avoided you, and quite frankly, you avoided him. You knew you’d never get a chance at marrying for love since you were the eldest daughter of a well known Lord in Fontaine. Your marriage was purely political, but you lived an easy life here. The stillness that you experienced most days was a relief compared to the constant partying and being paraded around at events like you were an item to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. You were, however, incredibly lonely. Adelinde tried to remind you that Master Diluc was a very kindhearted person, he just needed time to adjust. 

“It hasn’t been that long since you arrived and married the Master, Lady y/n. Just give him time, he shows his affections in… his own way. You’ll see.” You sighed. Another six months of avoiding each other may drive you mad. You were an independent woman, and not being allowed to lift a finger in your own home was driving you past boredom towards insanity. 

“Do you think I’ll be able to help with the grape harvests soon? Master Diluc will be away on business for at least another month and I’m happy to provide another pair of hands.” You phrased it as a question, but as the Lady of the house Adelinde wasn’t in a position to refuse. She giggled as if you had asked her something rather mischievous.

“I know we could use the help. Besides, you could put that vision of yours to good use and keep everyone cool, I’m sure.” You didn’t get many chances to use your cryo vision anymore, and you jumped excitedly at the thought. Your husband can hardly stand the cold, and you’ve tried to limit how much you use it out of respect for him. He may avoid you, but he hasn’t been unkind. You try to afford him the same treatment, even if it was difficult at times. You were directly going against his wishes by offering to help with any harvesting work out in the hot summer sun, but what your husband doesn’t know won’t hurt him. 

“I’ve got more frozen lemonade, boys!” You yelled out to the men working tirelessly in the vineyard. Adelinde held an umbrella out for you to shield you from the afternoon heat, but you were feeling perfectly cool after using your vision to make a huge batch of frozen drinks for your employees. 

“Thank you, Lady y/n!” Each man said one after another, quickly snatching their drinks from the tray you brought out. You all had been working for hours at this point, your nose and cheeks were tinged pink from the sun. 

“Alright, after this we’ll get back to it. I’ve got a bit of energy left!” you said cheerily. 

“You most certainly will not.” a familiar gruff voice asserted behind you. Your eyes widened before you slowly turned to come face to face with your husband, speechless. He was home more than two weeks early. You stood before him in a thin undershirt and underskirt to combat the heat, sweaty, sticky, and sunburned. Embarrassed, you whispered softly,

“Welcome back, Master Diluc.” You averted your eyes from his gaze, suddenly feeling exposed in your current state. 

“Adelinde, please see y/n to her chambers and have her rest. I’ll help with the remainder of today's harvest.” he spoke as though you weren’t even there, and you were close to snapping. You can’t though, not for everyone to hear. Adelinde began to shuffle you back to the winery, and you chanced a glance back to look at your husband. He had already shrugged his coat off and began unbuttoning his shirt. He looked up to see you staring, and you swore you saw a small smile appear on his face. Surely not, you thought to yourself. And you let Adelinde take you inside to bathe and relax after a long afternoon in the hot sun. 

After your bath you sat alone in your room, wondering whether or not you wanted to find your husband. The harvests of the day had long since ended, and the skies were stained pink and orange as the sun set. You had a perfect view of the vineyard from your window, so you sat to watch the sky as you got lost in thought. You began to mindlessly braid your frizzy curls, and became so engrossed in the thought of your shirtless husband that you didn’t hear a quiet knock at your door. 

“Y/n?” You jolted at the sudden intrusion, only to see the subject of your wandering thoughts in your doorway. You looked away quickly, wanting to hide the flush creeping up to your cheeks. You felt hopelessly exposed again, only donning your summer nightdress. Your husband was a handsome man, you knew that. But you didn’t know him. After six months of marriage you knew nothing about the man in front of you, but you were finally ready to find out. 

“I did knock,” he smiled sheepishly, “I wanted to… see to you being well rested before I retired for the evening.” You furrowed your brow in confusion. This was the first time Diluc had visited your chambers, and he wanted to make sure that you were resting? You quickly changed your mind about getting to know him, and you could feel agitation creeping into your skin. 

“I am very well rested, thank you Master Diluc.” you replied flatly. His expression fell slightly, and you scrambled to find something else to say. 

“I told you not to call me that. I’m your husband, calling me Diluc will suffice.” You scoffed at him in response.

“Some husband, who has hardly spoken to his lonely wife in six months. Hardly even seen her as well! Leaving her to entertain herself day in and day out. I think if I become any more restless I may die from the madness!” You clapped a hand over your mouth as soon as the words left your lips. Wide eyed, you glanced at the man in your doorway once again. He’s nothing but a stranger, you reminded yourself. Even so, you didn’t mean to sound so harsh.

“I apologize,” you immediately whisper, “I didn’t mean for that to sound so unpleasant.” He smiled gently in response. Even if you pushed the limits of what you could do, even with your fiery quips and sarcastic comments, he only ever showed you a softness that no one else witnessed. Maybe you were the one giving him the cold shoulder and hadn’t realized it. You crossed your arms in response to your own thoughts.

“Don’t apologize for saying things I need to hear. I know I’ve been exceptionally busy since you came to Mondstadt. After the harvests are done, I’ll have a bit more freedom to do as I like with my time. I’ll see to it that I spend some of that time with you. Sleep well.” He quickly turned on his heel and was out of your room, leaving you speechless. You couldn’t help but notice your heart pounding, and you clutched your chest in hopes of calming it quickly. The sky was almost dark now, and you watched as crystalflies floated through the vineyard. Your heart had slowed its pounding, and you sat in your window again to go over what your husband just said to you. 

Diluc quickly made his way across the winery to his own chambers and let out a sigh when he closed his door behind him. His heart threatened to beat out of his chest after the short interaction with you, and he couldn’t deny the bulge growing in his trousers after seeing you in your thin nightdress. 

“Damn it.” he breathed. No matter the distance he kept between the two of you, the yearning he felt became clearer and clearer. He wanted you, and badly at that. Kindness flowed out of you like water, your fiery personality was intoxicating, and you were undeniably the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on. He resisted growing close to you because he worried about putting you in danger. Anyone close to him could be used as collateral against him, and if anything happened to you his relationship with the Lords in Fontaine would crumble. Is he worried about that, though? Or is he more worried about any harm coming to you? He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose, cursing at himself. 

Spending time with you would change nothing. He was sure he could easily entertain you once or twice a week when the Winery’s busy season came to an end. He took a breath and slowly began to undress for the evening. He huffs at the chilly night air flowing in from his open window, kissing his tanned and freckled shoulders. Diluc didn’t like the cold. It reminded him of what his life became after losing his father, and preferred to keep his body and home warm despite how hot it became throughout the summer months in Mondstadt. He thought of your cryo vision, and wondered if your body stayed cool in the same way that his body stayed hot due to his own pyro vision. Do you even like the heat? What was your favorite season? Would you ever tolerate being touched by him? His mind was racing again. Stripped bare aside from his shorts, he flopped onto his bed and dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. 

Gods, she’ll lead to my ruin if I’m not careful. He stretched his arms over his head, seeing stars from the pressure of his palms. He smiled. Maybe any ruin you lead him to could be worth it.

AHHH okay that's it for now sorry there wasn’t much ~flavor~ but i had to set the scene okay. like i said im no writer so feedback is always welcome! im so soft for this man i can hardly stand it LMAO 

[ganondoodle]

genuine genuine genuine question- wwwhy do you not like the zonai? (zonau? not sure if thats like. the worlds coolest plural or a translation difference) given your content with more monstery designs i would have thought they'd be up your alley!! however. i have also not played skyward sword (as much as id like to) and i know most of peoples upset with their existence and the totk storyline is because of its conflicts with that plot? i'm very excited to see what you do with your rewrite/botw2!! given their slight presence in faron in botw, it would be cool to see you repurpose the zonai in some way that doesn't conflict with the plot you're going for, something that makes more sense with the cryptic kinda bare minimum we had in botw? sorry if you've explained your stance on the zonai before <3

hhhhhhhh i had ranted alot about it but i hope you are prepared- (also "zonai" is sonau in german but im choosing to write it with a z so people recognize it at least, im pretty sure zonau is also the orignal japanese word for them)

i am fine with their design, in fact, i LIKE their character designs, however i dont like everything else about them.

and no its also not bc it affects skyward sword bc it doesnt affect ANYTHING in skyward sword, bc skyward sword is the VERY FIRST zelda game in the timeline and totk is nowhere near it, totk draws several paralels towards skysw bc its meant a sort of soft reset for this new era but its really just thematic overlap and references bc those are cool (i know alot of people are trying to convince the entire fandom that totk somehow is crammed into the old timeline but trust me its never anywhere near confirmed nor does it make any sense, heres the lil graphic i made last month to clarify how i think its meant to be understood .. quite obviously even -

i dont mean to sound .. mean, but some people read too much into little phrases or references to older titles (like first king of hyrule .. doesnt have to mean the literal firstest of the first ones in all of forgotten history ever, just the first of THIS hyrule for example), and while im not against theories i am very annoyed when people try to say its somehow canon when its NOT)

with that out of the way;

i dont like how they are 'integrated' into botws world, they feel unnatural and shoved in everywhere, they have been everywhere and did everythign better and cooler and no part of (this) hyrule was untouched by them their architecture feels not integrated well either and design wise its rather bland, while the sheikah shrines for example while obviously not natural and very 'techy' they still build a harmonizing contrast while the totk shrines are pretty laughably unfitting compared to them the basically complete disappearance of all sheikah tech related stuff bothers me immensely bc why would you just get rid of it istead of developing it further (i know about purahs towers and think they are just like a worse version of the previous ones; and before this argument comes up again, them destryoing it all -somehow- bc they were afraid of it being taken over again is a dumb excuse bc then they should be even more scared of zonau tech- even MORE unknown and advanced tech literally falling from the sky) you could have done SO MUCH with the ancient shiekah tech it drives me nuts

i also think it tipped the delicate balance of the kinda medival setting + high tech that botw had set up compeltely over, the zonau tech just .. is so painfully obviously only the way it is to give you little lego parts to glue together (i know its a focus of the game ... or at least the gamePLAY but it could have been done better, again i think they managed the balance perfectly with shiekah tech, its weird and isnt natural but doesnt endanger the believability of it ... the zonau tech just throws that out the window rly ... how cool would it have been if you could built lil guardian walk thingies djknhfkd )

in general they just feel like a complete replacement for the ancient shiekah and are so SO desperately trying to make the zonau the COOLER and BETTER versions of what the shiekah were (you COULD have connected them in a cool way, like there being ancient shiekah labs build in the old zonau mining facilities bc they used zonau tech as basis for their own tech etc)

like instead of building on the set up and potential botw had prepared, they just scrambled to make a 'better' version of botw, like oh no forget THAT ancient civilization we have an EVEN MORE ancient, and EVEN MORE highly developed peoples there that were also everywhere before you but also were never really hinted at- and then repeat botws structure .__.

having an old and forgotten civilization of whom only some withered ruins remain gave botw a much more real feeling, a world with a history that you will never know (you know, bc that makes it intriguing and is just .. a good choice of worldbuilding imo)- and then totk comes along and reveals everything and also nothing, we know too much of them to be intrigued by their mystery and also not enough to actually care about them (also them beign presented as the good perfectly perfectestest kingdom of light that can do no wrong other than underestimate the eeeevil guy while they also had their hands on every part of the land and made all other races be their face and nameless servants just ... thats weird man!! i know its a game, even if its only aimed at kids my god they arent stupid either!! you really present me with that and expect me to take it at face value what argh)

again i think they COULD have been integrated into it, but the way it was done completely threw me off, im not mad about them EXISTING but about how it was DONE in the game

the way they were done robs not just totk but also botw of mystery and intrigue, for example i much rather had them stay a mystery, only ever talked about in some text and some old and almost completely withered ruins left, you never get so see what happened there in the past, you can only guess, but you have to deal with the fallout anyway and thats just ONE possibility, there are so many and it feels like they chose the most boring one every single time

sometimes knowing less is better than knowing half

(maybe i can make it clearer when .. or if i can get to illustrate what could have worked -in my opinion- better .... sorry for ranting again ;__; )

[floppydiskettess]

VALORANT AGENTS REACTING TO YOU FEELING INSECURE

featuring - sova, cypher, killjoy.

a/n : hi! firstly, i wanted to apologize as i made an error in my last post. i used the phrase “Aishiteru” (愛してる) when this is not the correct phrase i should have used! i am extremely sorry for that, i know little japanese so i was unaware that saying this is not a phrase people would typically use. from now on i will simply write it in english ^^

pink is you btw <3 (also be warned...i used the usage of y/n *shudders* /j)

Sova

(TW: self worth issues)

"and i'm sorry i left, but it was for the best. though it never felt right."

he is known as the golden boy, he does everything right and is highly respected among the protocol...so when people found out you two were together, some had some...thoughts about it.

"seriously i just do not understand why he would go for them? he could choose any person in the world and they would fall for him."

after hearing the hushed whispers about you, you began feeling extremely insecure about your relationship. why was he with you? they were right. he could ask any girl out and they would swoon..

soon, you realized what you had to do. you truly didn't deserve him...he should be able to love someone else.

you spend the next few days avoiding him. hopefully this would make this easier for you and he would begin to grow sick of your relationship..unfortunately, he noticed your behaviour immediately. he kept trying to ask you about it but you would either tell him you had to go do something, or would be whisked away by someone else.

"y/n, can we talk please?"

"oh-im sorry i really need to deliver this to killjoy. maybe later!"

"wait!....damn it."

one day, he decided enough was enough.

he gently knocked on your door, he was a gentleman after all. upon hearing no response he opened the door.

he let out a soft gasp as he saw your shaking frame lying down on your bed.

"oh ангел..."

you could feel a dip in the bed behind you before feeling a warm hand rest on your side.

"please...why are you shutting me out dearest?"

he hears a sniffle before hearing something that made his heart stop.

"...we should break up sasha.."

you immediately felt him freeze as he withdrew his hand from your shaking body. you hear him quietly mutter something in russian before adressing you

"w-what? ангел please...did i do something to make you feel like this? where is this coming from?"

you could hear the crack and shaking of his voice. the urge to tell him the truth burning at the tip of your tongue. the urge to reach out and hold his hand. but you couldn't. you needed to do this...for him.

"please. just leave me sasha. i cannot keep holding you back like this any longer.." you shakily say.

"what..? love you have never held me back from anything. please...what happened?" he said stunned.

he waits patiently for your reply, before remembering something he had overheard a agent say.

"oh. oh no my Солнышкop...my dearest...is this about what they said about us?" by now, he had shifted to face your back. when he saw your shaky nod followed by a smothered sob. he felt his heart absolutely shatter.

"my little dove, please tell me you know how much i love you. i am so sorry i didn't realize that what that идиот said about you made you feel as if this was the only option."

he felt you turn around to face him, the instant he saw your swollen red eyes he carefully captured your face in his hands?

"i promise you, you deserve everything. i have never felt happier with you, do you understand? if anything, you deserve so much more than I do.." he said while staring deeply into your eyes trying to get you to understand.

soon, you broke down in his arms as he engulfed you in a tender hug. as you cried into his neck muttering muffled apologies, he whispered sweet reassurances into your ear.

that agent wouldn't be bothering you anymore, he would make sure of it.

a/n : i just wanted to say this one really hit me personally. i left one of the greatest relationships i had ever had thinking it was best for the other people, but it was the most selfish thing i had ever done. if you feel like this as well. trust me, do not do it. every day i miss what i could have had if only i had chose to tell them my worries. so please talk to them, they will understand. don't make the mistake i did.

Cypher

(TW: SH mention, body issues)

"it's not the way i'm meant to be, it's just the way the operation made me.."

it started as offhand comments that the new agents would throw out.

"i could never wear that LMAO. i love the confidence!"

"wait, they chose something like that as their uniform? i could never.."

but it soon turned into something much less subtle when they found out about your relationship with the local information broker.

"have you seen their arms? its like they are flaunting themself.."

"the attention just encourages them. why else would they wear something that looks like that? i can't believe cypher would choose them over me."

everyday, you would hear at least one of these comments directed towards you, and no matter what you did. they wouldn't stop ad simply find something new to pick out.

cypher was incredibly confused when you suddenly started dressing different. you were much more hidden lately...you were covering your body as if you wanted nobody to look. even i private you refused to show him the old side of you. one day, when you were together in his room he decided to confront you.

when he dropped his mask, you raised yours.

"hey sweetheart...i'm sorry if this is out of line but is everything ok? are you trying to match outfits with me now?"

he softly chuckled trying to lighten the mood, but upon seeing your zoned out reaction he stopped, a concerned gaze filling his features. when you came back to reality, you caught his gaze.

"oh, yes im sorry...i just have a question. do you...like how i look?"

to say he was shocked was an understatement. where was this suddenly coming from?

"what? habibi of course i do. why do you ask?"

"it's not a big deal...just someone has kind of gotten me to really think about myself and how i look." you say as if it were nothing

"what? that is incredibly unprofessional?! you should report them to Brimstone. people cannot be saying things like that." he fumed, how could anybody say that to another person?

"no! no please, it's fine. they are not wrong about me."

now THAT had him shocked. they were not right about you one bit? he put down the object he had been working on before turning around and sitting next to you on his bed. you look at him confused as he gave you a soft but stern look.

"listen to me darling. i don't know what the hell they said about you but i can garentee they are wrong. they are simply jealous. please never let yourself feel upset with how you look. you are perfect in my eyes and that is what matters, is it not?" he says in the most sincere voice you have heard.

you can feel tears forming as you nod and look at the ground trying to avoid his gaze, but soon you feel a gloved hand pulling your face back to look at him.

"there is no need to hide from me my love...i want to see your beautiful face...i am here for you, yeah?"

you feel tears streaming down your face...soon you feel soft yet chapped lips gently kiss away your tears. you wouldn't trade this for the world.

he spent the rest of the night planting soft kisses all over your body (/nsx).

the next day, the rude agent was awfully quiet. you can only imagine what cypher had dug up about them.

you may not feel completely comfortable in your own skin, but cypher will be with you to help you feel a little bit more.

Killjoy

(TW: personality insecurities.)

"i shine only with the light you gave me."

everyone knew you were the "loud" agent.

after brimstone lifted the "no-fraternization" rule, you were free to be loving with your shy girlfriend in public.

most people found your extrovertedness and her introvertedness absolutely adorable. but you always feared that sometimes you were a little annoying.

one day, killjoy had been working on a turret upgrade while you were rambling about some show you heard jett talk about. but after a while you realized her only response was a soft hum every once in a while. you immediately backpedaled, were you being too loud? was she annoyed at you?"

you immediately trail off and stop talking, she seemed to not even notice your silence as harsh clanking filled the room. you frowned and checked your phone, scrolling back and forth on your home screen lost in thought.

once she had finished, you heard a quiet "yes!". you smiled as she turned around to ask your thoughts on it before seeing your face.

to anybody else, you would seem fine. just distracted. but klara knows you. to her, your eyes are more faded than normal as if you were bored...had she missed something important? she was mostly focusing on her work and assumed you had stopped talking to give her some space.

"Leibchen? Is everything alright?" she asked cautiously.

"hm? oh yes, sorry klara...i was just worried i was bothering you."

her eyes widened as you said this

"why would you be bothering me little maus? i love to listen to you!"

"i don't know, i guess i have just felt a bit worried that i have been annoying you..am i not too loud?"

"oh no! not at all! trust me, i love to hear you talk :)"

she stood up and pulled you into a shy side hug

"so, what was that about the show schatz?"

she asked with genuine curiousity, watching as your face brightened with joy at her eagerness to listen.

thank you guys so much for the support on my last posts!!!!! i literally am so happy you guys enjoy my writing!!!! i would love if anyone wanted to send me some requests as i am kinda struggling on what topics to write aboutt!!

this fic was very self indulgent and i wrote these all on my own personal experience. i literally finished this and reread to realize "oh shit...these are all me" LMAO. sorry if it is cheesy 😭

[doberbutts]

Hi - asking in good faith here, but I am also relatively new to active anti-racism (im white, grew up in all white areas, and didn't encounter anti racist perspectives until college). In the last few years I've done a LOT of reading about anti-black racism, black feminist theory, womanism, etc, and I'm beginning to understand why the bastardization and appropriation of aave is so harmful. I don't want to put my friends of color on the spot about this or make them feel pressured to answer a certain way, though, and I DO want an answer that's grounded in theory and thoughtfulness about these things (two traits my circle of 18-20 year olds sometimes lacks, understandably). I know that that might put a lot of pressure on you as well but please know that while I do respect your opinion, I know you're just one Black person with one opinion - and of course if an irl Black friend ever came to me and told me to stop I would.

My question is, if I am making sure to attribute it correctly as AAVE, being careful to make sure I'm using it appropriately, and of course listening in case I hear I've misused it - is it still harmful for me as a white person to use aave? Is it possible to use aave non-harmfully as a white person, among Black friends? Or would it be better for me to do my best to remove those words and phrases and grammatical structures from the way I speak entirely?

A lot of these things, I pick up FROM my friends, and they haven't, idk, made faces or suggested I should stop or anything like that. But of course it's hard to sort out what I pick up from my friends, what I pick up from Black literature (im a terrible parrot from my books unfortunately 😬), and what comes from the intern*t lol. So there's obviously the potential to misuse or disrespect aave, especially if I ever stop being thoughtful about what I say and where I first hear it. And while I have tried to read up on the appropriation of AAVE and develop my own opinion, this really does seem like one of those things where as a white person my opinion is always going to be a little out of touch - and I REALLY don't want to hurt and alienate my friends and accidentally advance racism in my community because I felt qualified to comment on this.

I don't know. I grew up in a very white enclave in a very white area of a very white state, and I AM trying to catch up and think critically about what I do say and think, but honestly, I am very new to these things. So if this is a dumb question or I am inadvertently ignorant/inappropriate, I'm really sorry about that and please know that I AM trying to do better. (And I will never say no to specific resource recommendations. I've read everything you usually read in an intro to Africana studies course lol but there is so much out there!!)

Thanks, either way. I appreciate you taking the time to read this extremely long winded ask lol. And I appreciate the way you blog about these things and how you make it clear where and from what you develop your opinions - that's super helpful!!!

-bee

Well as you said I am one person and I do not know you or talk to you really so I can't really say yes or no on your specific case. But also I would challenge you to ask yourself why you felt you needed the permission of a black stranger rather than actually sit down and talk to your friends about it.

I have said in other posts that it is less about needing to be black to speak AAVE and more about respect. I am all for cultural sharing and appreciation and I do not think that culture requires specifically only blood ties. I'm a mixed race person, after all, and one who has a quite large mixed race extended and found family. I think that blood is not the only thing that defines us.

But I also think that one must go into these sorts of conversations with respect. My white (passing) mother can understand my black family speaking AAVE, despite the fact that there was a single black kid in her neighborhood and school system when she grew up. This is because she treated my dad and his family with respect, and so they are comfortable speaking this way in front of her, and she is comfortable asking for clarification if she needs it, which is quite rare nowadays considering she's been married to my dad for 35 years and in a relationship with him for 42 and has thus had a lot of practice.

But she also doesn't use AAVE herself. To her, it would be disrespectful. She did not grow up in it. It is not her culture. It is shared with her due to proximity to said culture with her husband and father of her children. But for her, she chooses to continue to use the Pennsylvania Dutch-influenced dialect she grew up in, which is a very white Appalachian specific-to-Pennsylvania dialect and culture. I myself switch back and forth between the two, depending on who I'm talking to. Sometimes in the same conversation, if I'm talking to my mom vs my dad in the same room.

I don't think any of my black family would be offended if she did use AAVE, though again with her personality and the way she has approached this over the last several decades I think they'd be surprised if she suddenly did it like tomorrow or something. But she herself does not think it would be respectful of the culture, the dialect, or of her husband and inlaws for it to come out of her mouth. And I am sort of inclined to agree. Outside of a few slang words that have become so distant from their roots that it is difficult to say they are *purely* AAVE anymore, similar with many historically-Yiddish slang words, I do not personally think she could hold a conversation in AAVE and do it respectfully enough to not be offensive. It's just not really hers to do that with.

On the other hand, when I worked in a mostly-black store in an area that was significantly more black-populated, where I rarely had to code switch and mostly used AAVE all the timewith clients and customers, there were nonblack people who also used and understood AAVE. I had no problem with this, even with the white people doing it, because that was just how everyone in that area spoke. And, mot for nothing, but I found those white people to be as a general rule significantly less racist in their treatment of me and of other people of color, and racial mixing was significantly more common. Again, it's about respect. Even if it's not really a concious thing.

[brb-on-a-quest]

Day Fourteen Day Fifteen Day Sixteen

im SOOOOO SORRY that I left you guys hanging those two days! *cries* the first one I genuinely forget, and the second I was too busy to do it- and I think that this is not the first time this might happen, since the farm (oh yeah, if you're not one of my regular followers, you should know I'm a farmhand lol) is picking up steam, during my down time Im trying to do more physical rest for my body to recover. which means unfortuantely, Ive been spending less time on here in general, and that my longer posts that take more time to write have had to pause for a while.

so, I'm sorry to say but this is the last day i'll be able to do this for a while, but maybe forever. I've had so much fun with it and loved to see everybody's different answers, and how we've all connected!! but for at least a few days/weeks, I need a bit of a break lol. if anyone wants to pick up this game again, with the same list of people I've given already or different ones, you are more than welcome to! and I'm not leaving Tumblr, I'm just not going to do this particular ask game anymore.

our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

thank all of you so much! I hope to return again maybe sometime! I wish you all the best :)

Awww no worries gracie! take care of yourself first. Def appreciate all the work it must've taken to come up with good questions. I'll be sure to haunt your inbox soon with hopefully some equally thought-provoking (or not) questions.

ok, actual question: our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

To be honest, this question has haunted me for the past...well since before high school. (has it really been almost 10 years since I was a baby highschool freshman?). To be also perfectly honest, my depression and anxiety were so bad I was never convinced I would make it as far as I did... which allowed me to put off answering the question for a long while until the Hour of College Applications approached.

Well, against all previous conceptions of my future, I am still alive and about to graduate in December (literally how) and set to walk across the beautiful stage in May to get my undergrad diploma with some kind of academic honors (I forget the Latin for it). Definitely not the highest GPA, but I am relatively proud of myself considering the effort and, for lack of a better phrase, blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into this. So, steps that need to happen in order to graduate

Pass classes (Preferably with A's but I'm also in a position where hopefully my self-esteem won't die with a B or 2).

Write and Finish my thesis (shaking crying throwing up I don't have enough capacity for this even if it's only 15 pages in Spanish)

Study and hopefully pass a GRE (graduate school readiness exam I think? 'cuz I'm told it's a good idea for master's school applications I can not stress enough how much I hate standardized tests and am so anxious about this that I haven't even opened my books yet, I've just been throwing myself into thesis research instead; I 'know not all schools require this but I'm going into something that's not my major, so I feel some kind of need to prove myself).

Apply to graduate schools for counseling!

Only four things... it shouldn't be so bad.... one would think... (can I please just skip to the part where this is over why do people call college the best years of my life).

The other thing I want to work on is just being a better person and in particular a better friend. My goal is therapy, particularly pediatric therapy because it's such a neglected area where I'm from and also in general I think because there tends to be stereotypes of "oh children can't have mental health problems." but doing that means I want to develop more compassion, friendliness, and patience and gentleness and actual listening skills while being assertive...yk an environment that nurtures personal and other's growth. Which is really hard. Progress has been made but still more to go.

[kay101kim]

dating neil perry <3 (latine version)

warning(s): none:)

pair: neil perry x gn!reader

one shot or hc: hc

note: i got the idea from this post, so thank you so much!! im mexican so it might seem like i mention mexican culture more like music and food (its what i know!), but i do try my best to be inclusive since latin america has such rich history. this is me trying to write within the time period of the 50s/60s <3. let me know if you wish a more modern version, enjoy!

-neil is a love at first sight kind of guy, he literally saw you laughing all giggly and couldn't stop smiling himself

-your friends teased you by singing piel canela by los panchos, "me importas tú, y tú, y tú, y solamente tú~"

-and as you kept laughing, all red, neil finally got the courage from his friends even though his heart was all smushed by your angelic smile

-when he was finally determined to ask you on a date, that man was calm, cool, and collected which made you even more nervous as he approached your friends and you

-he'd give you those puppy dog eyes and you'd immediately melt before a word is even said

-once neil asks you out, it seems a crowd cheers somewhere beyond and neil can only chuckle sheepishly at his friends' reactions

-you guys begin dating and neil finds your culture fascinating! (in a good way lol)

-he'd want to know all the holidays, celebrate with you, to hell with his dad and his rules (he loves you too much <3)

-when he experienced latin music for the first time he would never go back

-he'd buy so many vinyls from different genres and constantly ask you to slow dance in the living room like the love birds you two are

-neil is the type to slowly get into the groove of things to dance cumbia, bachata, salsa

-oh but he will learn and surprise your whole family! it makes you kinda jealous when your primos are there watching him

-but he reminds them of you by giving you a kiss

-you'd hum some songs and be very surprised when he comes along singing the lyrics (maybe not perfect, but it’s so cute)

-it made you realize just how much he is trying to understand you who are, your language, which is so important to you

-you call him 'mi amor' (my love) and he would always ask what that means but you didn't want to say

-it basically means you love him and that was scary

-but imagine him singing cien años by pedro infante? it'd be the first time you'd say 'i love you'

-he alternatively says i love you and te amo because he loves you sooooo! much

-you'd giggle and say "yo tambien te amo, mi amor"

-he would always have cute nicknames like 'my darling' or 'my angel' but then he started using 'cariño'

-only when you two were alone because he was afraid his pronunciation wasn't too well

-you have no idea who he learned it from, but it made you tear up the first time you heard it from him

-his favorite part about being with you is the food, like at one point he'd just be like 'fuck it!' and make tamales with all the women

-his favorite desert is arroz con leche because i said so!

-he can’t handle spicy food, im sorry yall but i have to be accurate, the white genes </3

-curse words/phrases in spanish? he would know them all because your primos would tell him to say [x] and he'd do it without question lmaoo

-obviously you would not stop it because its kinda hilarious, but you would eventually inform him on what the words/phrases mean

-overall he'd get along with your family like they might call him 'guerrito' but he wouldn't mind

-neil would be surprised by the amount of spanish covers from english songs and vice versa, but it really opened his eyes to a new world

-he loves you, your culture, language, food, music, and everything else that comes with it

-sure, sometimes he doesn't understand what you're saying but he makes sure to study real hard and eventually become fluent in spanish

-his favorite part is when you sing to him (or listening to a song), something soft like cielito lindo :( and you watch him fall asleep as you stroke his hair

-neil perry is the best boyfriend fr <3

[astrronomemes]

ALADDIN: THE KING OF THIEVES STARTERS

a collection of quotes, phrases, and sayings from the 1996 Disney film Aladdin: The King of Thieves. change & alter as needed.

“Somebody’s gonna be late for his own wedding!”

“It’s a bachelor party, big boy!”

“This is for the wedding.”

“It belonged to my father.”

“He died a long time ago.”

“[Name], are you getting cold feet?”

“What do I know about families? What if I’m no good at it?”

“If your father were here, he’d be as proud of you as I am.”

“Someone has to keep a cool head, [name].”

“Someone will have no head if this turns out to be another wild goose chase.”

“I can see fine from back here.”

“I’m not gonna cry. I’m not.”

“I thought the earth wasn’t supposed to move until the honeymoon.”

“So this isn’t a bad day for you, really, is it?”

“It must be here somewhere.”

“You have a lot of spirit. And a lot of mouth.”

“Stay out of my way, boy, and you won’t get hurt.”

“That was for ruining my wedding.”

“This is not my fault! This was not built to code!”

“Good luck getting back the catering deposit.”

“Hey, I want to see some resumes on these guys.”

“I am so sorry about all this, [name].”

“With all the other great stuff, why go for this thing?”

“Did someone say ‘treasure’?”

“I see all that has been, and all that will be.”

“Okay, you know all, so tell all.”

“I know what my future is. My future is you.”

“I have no idea where I come from.”

“I don’t think you can help me.”

“My father is alive?”

“What kind of man leaves his son?”

“How can you be so sure?”

“How bad is it?”

“I want to get in, get out, and go home.”

“If you’re talking about spilling my blood... well, I just don’t see that happening.”

“Like it or not, boy, we’re blood.”

“I thought I’d never see you again.”

“Yes, [name], mercy would be so like you — soft, and weak.”

“A test? That’s not so bad. Maybe it’ll be multiple-choice!”

“Knock ’im dead, kid. Seriously.”

“You would know if [name] was in trouble, wouldn’t you?”

“I thought he’d be back by now.”

“It’s a joke! ...I do that.”

“Thanks for cheering me up.”

“You did your old man proud, [name].”

“I was just trying to stay alive.”

“We never hurt the innocent.”

“That’s just a myth!”

“You don’t know what it’s like to have nothing!”

“I thought my family was lost forever.”

“I wanted a father. I still do.”

“[Name] may not understand, but it just wouldn’t work. I don’t belong in his world.”

“Get off that thing before you break your neck!”

“This creep’s got a yellow sheet as long as my arm.”

“You are most definitely [name]’s father.”

“All he needed was a second chance.”

“It’s a slap-on-the-wrist and community-service kind of thing.”

“I thought I could change him. I had to try.”

“You can change my clothes, [name]. You can’t change who I am.”

“There are some wishes that even I can’t make come true.”

“Everything was perfect before he came into my life.”

“It’s the cape talking, isn’t it?”

“I’ve come to say goodbye.”

“We don’t have much time.”

“They can’t catch me.”

“I want him dead or alive.”

“We shall see if [name] wants you in his family now.”

“Keep your hands off my son!”

“I did lose my lunch back there.”

“By then, we’ll be long gone.”

“I’m sorry for what you’ve lost, but you can’t go back now. You know that.”

“I’m not going with you.”

“You ran away from your family!”

“It’s a good day to die.”

“They’re my family. My only family.”

“Frankly, my boy, your actions were most disappointing.”

“What you have done... well, you did it out of love.”

“I know your dad made a lot of bad choices, but that doesn’t mean you have to.”

[lazaruspiss]

DC Pride 2021

ive been meaning to do a read through of the DC Pride series all June. and, well. technically still June!

oh my god i recognize the name of the guy who wrote the foreword as the guy who wrote the shitty at best and misogynistic at worst nightwing 96 annual. so, uh, setting that aside for now, lol. the foreword is very sincere and sweet and im not gonna be one of those assholes who refuses to acknowledge that bc he wrote some dogwater nightwing comic years ago.

this isn't actually my first time reading most of the DC Pride comics, just my first time taking notes as I go through them. I do remember 2/3 of the Kate stories bringing me to tears, even when I didn't really know anything about her character.

ok yeah this one still gets me. go read it. for reference, i start crying the page before we first see kate cry. it's beautifully illustrated, and hits me right where it hurts.

john constantine hits on a extraño, listens to him tell a story about how he and midnighter fought a homophobic neo nazi vampire, and then john invites him and his werewolf husband to a threesome.

i love the vibes thatre just. like its so cliche noir detectives, but lesbians. and the dorky ending. MWAH, chefs kiss.

shout out to the guys that just stay sat eating their food as a giant plant monster tears up the park. while im not at all a fan of the "kiss and make up" trope(s), i do appreciate that this story at least gives some mention to how ivy and harley kinda approach their relationship from opposing angles. like, i like harlivy well enough, but my ideal world is one where they learn about themselves by being together but eventually move on from their romantic relationship and explore new things. i just don't like how heavily DC seems to have tied them together since they became canon. their friendship before was more romantic/compelling in my eyes, somehow.

this one's about alan scott! his history with his sexuality, explored through his relationship with his son. it's an incredibly important angle to look at these things through, the gap between generations and the changes that took time. it's easy enough to forget all that, sometimes. it's fun seeing the difference between how father and son describe the queer experience. it's also just really sweet.

ohhh they made mirror master hot... reflek... dumbass name but a killer outfit. this ones more about the flash family tradition of trying to do it all and bein a bit of a mess, lol.

love that pied piper goes to this guy and is like "yeah ok, i appreciate the effort but this doesn't actually work. like you're right but we gotta figure smth else out bc the world don't work like that." also they do use the phrase "mind-rapey" which for some reason gets me. then they go threaten a landlord <3

pretty sure the main girl "Dreamer" is from a CW show or something, so i've never heard of her. her powers seem cool and the story is cute enough, but i assume it all makes more sense to those who have seen the show.

one of these days ill learn anything about other aqualad. there's a lot going on in this one and i find it hard to follow. it's supposed to be a big "everyone together!!" moment i think, but the story lengths don't allow for enough build up to really pull stuff like that off.

and the end is a bunch of arrowverse profiles, i think. you cant make me watch a CW show, sorry.

[arowitharrows]

hello, i had some maybe broad-but-vague stuff i wanted to ask to someone who knows more about ace stuff since i've been seeing a surge of related content about that topic lately, and i wondered if you might be someone i could ask? i know it's alot, and please ignore this if it makes you uncomfortable. im not trying to be hateful or anything, i just feel sort of ignorant about it all. ace stuff, specifically. until now, i always ignored people saying they were ace before, because i didnt get it and i just figured that i didnt need to get it to just mind my own business, but it seems so much more prevalent online now than it used to be, id like to understand. i dont mean to be crude, but in my mind it's like- not fucking people is the baseline. thats just how people are. like, the template of a human isn't sexual. starting point of humanity or something like that, and everything else is just extra, though as i type that i actually can see that that might be too flawed and general of an outlook, but that's the best way i can think to phrase my thoughts. so to put focus on that baseline, as an entire identity, always seemed extraneous to me? im really not sure if theres more to it that im missing to put it in some different context. i did wonder if it was to do with just like, reacting to societal expectations that everyone, idk, be sexual? or just the assumption that everyone would (or should) end up like that at some point in their life? and that's pretty fucked up, but i always just thought that was really weird of the people expecting that sort of thing, not of the people they criticized, and that if it were just a reaction that it wouldn't be considered an identity. and the same really goes for the romance stuff, in my mind. it just seems like such a non-problem to me. and that sounds alot harsher than i mean it to be, but i dont get it. its just the regular way to be, and everything else is extra, so all of the controversy is for what? it always came off as making a big deal out of nothing to me. personally, i've never felt any sort of realistic romantic or sexual attraction to another person before in my life, but (other than here) i don't go around talking about that. if the people around me went around talking about how they DID feel that stuff, i would think they were oversharing rather inappropriately. so i don't get that the difference is. it just people searching for other people who feel how they feel using "ace" as a label, a way to do that? a community thing? then why rally around that minuscule aspect of a person's being? or maybe it doesn't feel minuscule? i dont want to come off as belittling, so if theres a better way to refer to all this, please let me know. sorry for the wall of text and like i said, feel free to ignore this. i'm not trying to be an asshole and its not on you to field this sort of question, but i just want to understand. thank you for your time!

Hey anon, It's great of you to reach out and try to learn, or unlearn, some things about asexuality and aromanticism. I'm going to try to break things down a bit (this is not in the order of what you wrote)

not fucking people is the baseline. thats just how people are. like, the template of a human isn't sexual. starting point of humanity or something like that, and everything else is just extra. [...] and the same really goes for the romance stuff, in my mind. [...] its just the regular way to be, and everything else is extra

I'm honestly not sure what you mean by this. I don't believe there is a baseline template for humanity, we are too complex for that. But even if there were a baseline I would set it to what the majority of humanity experiences and I think it's safe to say that a large majority of people experience sexual and romantic attraction to others (the number that usually gets thrown around is 1% of the human population is asexual, but I do not believe this number is still up to date.) If asexuality were the norm then the asexual community would not have this many struggles with medical doctors (here, read this great article that just came out for some context).

That being said - you can view humanity this way if you want, I'm not going to say it's wrong. Just be aware that most people do not see it this way, and that many reactions people have when first learning about asexuality and aromanticism shows how much they view it as something unnatural, abnormal and something to be fixed.

if the people around me went around talking about how they DID feel that stuff, i would think they were oversharing rather inappropriately.

Most people I know experience romantic and sexual attraction as a normal part of their life, and they talk about it a lot, which I don't necessarily consider to be oversharing. Relationships and crushes and heartbreak and sex are important topics for many people, to the point where I would claim that a considerable amount of time goes into writing songs and books and movies and other media about it. Most coming-of-age stories involve romance and sex as milestones, most "humanizing the monster" stories involve falling in love as a proof of humanity, most commercials use sex-appeal to make people buy shit. All of this is integrated into everyday life, so all of this can make aspec people feel alienated and othered, even before they find the aro/ace labels.

When I was a teenager people wouldn't stop talking about sex, it was a way to measure your worth, so I felt.. worth less than my peers. Now I'm an adult and the older I get the more being single and unmarried is seen as a personal failure.

All this is to say that in my experience sexual and romantic attraction are not quiet aspects of society. And, for the record, I don't talk about my orientation much with people outside of my close family, even when it makes things awfully awkward because my disinterests does not go unnoticed, and is very much seen as an oddity.

so to put focus on that baseline, as an entire identity, always seemed extraneous to me. [...] it just people searching for other people who feel how they feel using "ace" as a label, a way to do that? a community thing? then why rally around that minuscule aspect of a person's being?

Why do you think any identity label exists? They are there to help us understand ourselves, to help us explain ourselves to others and to help us find others with similar experiences so we can feel less isolated. We live in a heteronormative society where everyone is assumed to perform sex and romance in a very strict and narrowly defined manner. People that fall out of that norm tend to struggle on many different, complex levels. Asexual and aromantic people are not exempt from these struggles. For some being ace and aro does not have a large impact on their lives and that's fine, for others it does have a large impact - that's what the community is for, and that's what the labels are for. For me personally, being aroace impacts a lot of my life. It influences my politics, my living situation, how I approach friendships, my decisions for my future.. it is not something trivial.

i did wonder if it was to do with just like, reacting to societal expectations that everyone, idk, be sexual? or just the assumption that everyone would (or should) end up like that at some point in their life? and that's pretty fucked up, but i always just thought that was really weird of the people expecting that sort of thing, not of the people they criticized, and that if it were just a reaction that it wouldn't be considered an identity.

No, I do not believe that is the origin of the asexual and aromantic identity. It is certainly a source of aphobia and a much needed point of conversation, but asexuality and aromanticism would continue to exist in a society in which this were not a problem, the same way homosexuality will continue to exist when the world is no longer homophobic, and heterosexuality exists right now in a world that is not "heterophobic". I also want to gently add here that the belief that asexuality is a "reactionary" identity due to an oversexualized society is one I've almost exclusively seen in radical feminism circles, just something to keep in mind when following such train of thought.

Everyone is free to decide the degree to which experiencing little to no sexual/romantic attraction impacts their life and if they want to view it as something important or not. But to generalize and say that it doesn't matter on a societal scale rings false. I highly recommend just listening to more aromantic and asexual people's experiences in society to get a feeling of how it impacts our lives.

[oshidorifuufu]

hi hi hi i’m really sorry for answering this late, i was sleeping. please don’t worry if i sound serious… it’s merely the way i talk.

i’m not sure how to explain why i admire you. i already attempted to do so in the first message i sent, but i think there is something about you that just makes me go quiet and observe with interest. i admire how you still hold on, i think. you’re very strong, i’d already give up if i were subjected to the pain you’re most likely feeling.

about my name…uh

i chose to call myself okochama to get used to the name (as i’m planning to use it if i ever get around to becoming a vocaloid producer or otherwise a content creator). its direct translation would be childish or immature, i believe. it’s a trait i’ve been scolded for by nearly all of my friends, one i’ve been trying to erase from all aspects of my behavior. i try to please people, i really do, but i’ve never been able to stop acting the way it is natural to me. humming and jumping and repeating certain phrases, laughing at or finding wonder in things i shouldn’t. i do not want to traumadump, or experiencedump if you wish (as i believe i do not have trauma from these people), but you get my point. my apparent childishness is my most distinctive, albeit negative trait, and i chose to somehow “reclaim” it and call myself immature, in a way.

i yapped, forgive me.

i only log in to discord a few times a month, so after a very long pause, i decided to check on the server. to my surprise, it grew significantly since i joined. i opened a channel and spotted a very familiar name with a very familiar account theme. it didn’t take long for me to realize you and that luka are the same person, i don’t think i’ve seen another jirai named luka so far.

i highly believe you aren’t even aware of my account, as i usually just lurk or am not present at all. but i think i managed to say hi a few times.

as you can already guess, many word typer okochama

thank you for answering my questions okochama!!! sorry i was wrong i just cant read tone

thank you, for all its worth i do think i’m somewhat mentally strong, i mean a lot has happened and does happen to me but im still alive so…

i feel so happy to be admired, ive never felt that before, or someone caring for me just by me existing..?

thats interesting!!! i wanted to try out vocaloid production for a while too. i actually did buy a voicebank some years ago, it was otomachi una. i havent made anything except for some covers though because i dont know how to make music

also, im not trying to push anything and obv i dont have enough info but have you looked into autism…? repeating phrases especially sounds like an autistic trait but obv i cant diagnose you

i hope they havent got to you too much, and also its totally fine to ‘experiencedump’ here, i’ll try to help you if i can, if you care about my wellbeing i care about yours too

thats so crazy by the way!! yes its the same luka ~ i have actually met another jirai luka but it was luca lol. im not aware of your account and i wont try and search for it but if you ever want to reveal it or dm me you’re totally fine too

thanks again okochama~ >_<