#sorry i keep saying it's bullshit but it is

[spicyspiders]

Professor Howlett

logan howlett x male reader smut

3.7k words

cw: power imbalance (logan is the reader's professor), age difference, rimming, virginity kink, thigh fucking, size kink, and spit as lube.

“This is utterly disappointing,” Professor Howlett tosses your paper down onto his desk with a thwap. The sound makes you jump, but you quickly steel yourself before he can look up and see how your calm expression is beginning to break.

You have to clear your throat before responding, though it does little to stop the lump you feel forming in your throat, ”I tried my best, professor,” you respond, keeping your eyes locked on the paper littered with red pen marks.

“Did you?” Professor Howlett questions angrily, making you jump once more at the tone, “because this sure as hell doesn’t read like it!”

“Professor, I-” you try to explain, but he cuts you off. 

“The first paper you wrote got the highest grade in the class, and then you go on to write this?” He asks, waving the red pen he used to mark up your paper angrily in the air as he speaks. If you weren’t biting your lip hard enough that at any second you thought it would bleed, you would laugh at the display. 

He looked at you expectantly, and with how angry he looked, you didn’t think any explanation that you could give would be enough. You had to try and do so anyway, knowing the sooner you spoke, the sooner you could leave his office and contemplate dropping his class or dropping out of college in general. 

You suck in a shaky breath before you respond, “I’m sorry, professor,” and when his angry expression doesn’t falter, you continue, “I knew I didn’t give myself enough time and knew I just had to take the hit to my grade and do better on the next paper.”

The man in front of you lets out a bitter laugh, “so you waste my time?”

“That wasn’t my intention, sir,” you respond, slouching down into the chair, trying to make yourself look as small as possible. You look up at the man across from you after a few moments of awkward silence, meeting his eyes as you try to calm your racing heart. 

He lets out a long sigh before he speaks again, “I must have set my expectations for the rest of your assignments too high,” he passes the paper across the desk until it sets in front of you, “I apologize.”

You can feel anger welling up in your body at his words. It was one bad assignment, it’s not like you were now some lost cause. “I can still write a paper just as good as the first one,” you snap before snatching the paper off the desk. “I told you,” you huff, angrily unzipping your book backpack to put the paper inside, “I didn’t give myself enough time, which won’t happen again,” you stand up in a flash, the chair shooting out from behind you fast enough you’re surprised it didn’t tip over, “I apologize, professor.”

“Hey hey hey,” Logan says, racing around the desk to grab your shoulder. He turns you around slowly from where you were about to stop out of his office and slam the door behind you, “I don’t want this to impact your grade.”

”It already is,” you spit, not angry at him, but angry at yourself. You remember getting the notification this morning that your professor had posted the grade, the number immediately turning your mood sour. 

“It’s okay,” Professor Howlett says, running a soothing hand down your shoulder, “I’ll give you a week to rewrite the paper and give you full credit back.”

“I’m not rewriting the paper,” you say with a bitter laugh that sounds a lot like Professor Howlett’s did earlier. 

“I know you can do better than this,” Professor Howlett responds, crossing his arms along his broad chest. 

“As you’ve already said,” you say, rolling your eyes, “I’m not writing an extra paper,” too tired to even think after you stayed up all night bullshitting the paper you had turned into Professor Howlett, you put the decision in his hands: “so what do you want to do, professor?” You ask tiredly.

You stare into Professor Howlett’s eyes, waiting for the man to make his decision. He looks back at you, observing you closely with his dark eyes. You are on the edge of feeling uncomfortable by the time he’s made up his mind, a look that you’re unable to pinpoint settling over his face. 

“Take off your bag and put it in the chair,” he commands, the lone tone of his voice making you shiver. 

“Okay,” you respond shakily, now back in front of him with your bag resting in the chair, “now wh-”

Your back collides with the door, and then a second later, his lips collide with yours. You gasp in surprise against his mouth and feel his tongue enter the opening, the appendage sliding wetly against yours. 

Too caught off guard to respond to the kiss, Logan moans against your unresponsive lips, one of his hands going to your chin to angle your head so his tongue can move deeper. His other hand you can hear beside you fiddling with the lock, and when the knob finally clicks, you can barely hear it over the sound of Professor Howlett’s breathing after he pulls away from the kiss. 

“Professor-” you begin, placing your hands on his broad shoulders, your mind too confused on whether you should push him away or pull him closer. You’ve already crossed the line you never thought you would cross. Sure, you had your fantasies dating back to the first day you walked into class, but you thought those would just stay in your head, only coming out in breaths of the professor’s name when your mind would wonder when you touched yourself.

“Logan.”

“Logan,” you correct yourself, trying to bite back a moan when Professor- Logan pushes his thigh between your legs, “I don’t think-”

He cuts you off with yet another kiss, but this time, you crane your neck to pull away from the kiss, trying your hardest to ignore the weight of your cock chubbing up in your pants. 

The second kiss ending abruptly does nothing to discourage Logan, instead, it gives his lips a new area to map out. “You drive me insane,” Logan moans against the column of your neck, his stubble digging into the sensitive skin. “So smart,” he says kissing down until he reaches the collar of your shirt, “so beautiful,” he whispers, moving to press his forehead to yours, “yet you barely talk in class,” he says, pressing his lips to yours once more, but this one much softer than the last. 

There wasn’t a participation grade outlined in the syllabus for Logan’s class like it was for some of your other professors, meaning you weren’t going to talk if you didn’t have to. Sometimes you did, feeling bad when he would ask a question and no one would respond immediately, hating the awkward silence. And now that you think about it, those were usually the nights your mind would think of him while your fingers were wrapped around your cock. Good job or good answer Logan would say, the praise lighting a coil of pleasure deep in your belly. 

“It’s only for me to see, is it?” Logan asks, his hands moving to hold your hips possessively, “only I get to see how smart you are,” he says in a low, gravelly voice, seemingly answering his own question. His lips go to the racing pulse point on the side of your neck, his teeth sinking into the skin. 

The bite burns, making your mouth fall open with a whimper, the sound a mix of pain and pleasure. Logan’s hot tongue runs over the mark, trying to soothe the pain with warmth. You give way to the feeling, letting your head fall back onto the wooden door, giving Logan more room to work. 

You bury a hand in his dark hair, running your fingers through the dark locks. Logan pulls away at the feel of your fingers in his hair, his eyes now darker than they once were, his pupils dilated in lust. You stare at each other once more before, taking in Logan’s already disheveled appearance with his dark eyes, messy hair, and crooked tie.       

You respond to the next kiss Logan initiates. It’s softer than you expect, at least, it is at the start. It begins to heat up when you tighten the hand in Logan’s hair to change the angle. You both moan when your tongues meet once more, spit mixing together. 

Logan wraps an arm around your lower back so you can stumble your way to the couch that sits against one of the walls of his office. Your lips break for air when you feel the back of your legs meet the cushions, your chest heaving as you suck in lungfuls of air.

Logan pushes you down onto the couch before one of his hands yanks at his tie, pulling it through the neckline of his sweater, and then he throws the garment away as if it has offended him.  Next comes the black sweater, leaving him with dark slacks and a button-up shirt. 

You feel your cock throb in your pants as you watch Logan lower himself onto his knees. He pushes his way between your legs, his hands going to your hips to get your pants down in a pool between your ankles. 

Your breath comes out in a stutter when Logan leans down, his nose coming into contact with the bulge in your underwear. He runs his nose along the length of your cock, then his tongue runs along the same path, paying extra attention to the wet spot on the cloth that rests over the head of your cock.

You slap a hand over your mouth to muffle your moan when Logan gets your underwear out of the way and swallows your cock. Logan takes it deep enough for you to feel, the hot, wet, constriction of his throat, his hand finding balance on your thighs. 

Logan’s breath puffs wetly against the head of your cock when he pulls away, his spit hardly having the chance to cool and dry as Logan runs his tongue up the length of your cock. He doesn’t take it as deep when he sucks it back inside his mouth, instead, he focuses on the suction. The hot suction of his mouth pulls a glob of precum from the head of your cock onto Logan’s tongue, the older man groaning at the taste.

The vibration through your cock makes your hips jump, sending your cock back deep into Logan’s throat. The movement catches Logan off guard, causing the man to gag around your cock, his throat convulsing wetly around the hard length of your cock. 

You pull the hand over your mouth and put it into Logan’s hair, trying to run your fingers through the strands soothingly. “Sorry,” you gasp, swiping your thumb under Logan’s eyes to wipe away the tears that fell. 

Logan surges up to pull you into a wet, messy kiss. His tongue is immediately in your mouth, letting you taste yourself on his tongue. 

“M’sorry,” you repeat. 

Logan chuckles softly, “it’s okay, baby,” he murmurs, pressing soft kisses on your cheeks.

Your stomach tightens at the pet name, affection coursing through your body. You place your hands on Logan’s belt buckle, already knowing how much you’re going to struggle trying to get his pants undone and out of the way. 

It takes you longer than you want to get his belt undone and his pants unbuttoned, and Logan doesn’t make it any easier when he presses, chaste, soft kisses to your mouth. Once open, Logan stands to get his pants down and off, the large bulge of his cock trapped behind his underwear. 

Just the sight of the bulge has you feeling intimidated, while at the same time making your mouth water. Anticipation joins the mix of lust and intimidation in your gut, which all combine into a feeling of pleasure that has your cock throbbing in the air. 

You place your hands on his waistband, Logan’s hands coming to rest atop yours a second later. With Logan’s help, you push his underwear down slowly, watching second by second as his cock is revealed to you.   

Your fantasies did not measure the actual size of his cock in all of its long and thick glory. It hangs heavy in front of your face, a bead of precum already glistening at the tip. Past the length of Logan’s cock, his balls hang heavy and full. This up close, you can also smell his musk: heady and all Logan.

A broad palm cupping your cheek draws your attention away, turning it instead to Logan’s face. A wave of heat washes over your body when you realize that in the moments where you were taking in the appearance of Logan’s cock, the man had pulled the rest of his clothes off. The button-up now lays in the pile with the rest of his clothes, giving you a full view of his broad, muscular chest. 

“I’ve never seen you so distracted,” Logan says with a smirk, his thumb running along your cheekbone. 

“What?” You question back, your voice breathy. 

Logan’s smirk broadens into a full smile, “I asked if you wanted to take that off.”

At a loss for words, you can barely think of a response, “oh,” you decide. 

Logan chuckles softly, his other hand running along the slit of his cock. When he pulls it away, a strand of precum follows the pad of his finger. Logan pushes his finger past your lips, still open in the shape of the soft oh you just let out. 

You suck at his finger when it touches your tongue, the salty taste lighting up your tastebuds. You hear Logan groan when you suck harder, wanting to get to the flavor underneath and see what Logan himself tastes like. 

Logan’s finger comes free with a slick pop, “let’s get the rest of this off,” he says. 

You only had your shirt and shoes to get off, and what should have been an easy, less than a minute process, felt like a lifetime. Logan tenderly pulled your shoes and socks off, one and then the other. Your shirt was next, coming off slowly with two broad palms sneaking up your shirt. Logan’s lips followed the path his hands made, all the way up to your lips that he kissed after your shirt was tossed away. 

Logan got back into the familiar position he was just in, but instead of sucking your cock, his mouth went lower. He bit into the meat of your thighs, and though you couldn’t see the one on your neck, you were sure that it matched the new ones he was making. 

“Roll over,” Logan commands, pressing a kiss to the mark he just made on your left thigh. Logan maneuvers your body into the position he wants, leaving your body pressed to the front of the couch, and your feet hanging over the cushions in front of Logan.

You press your forehead into the wall in front of you, feeling the puffs of Logan’s breath along your back, “do you have lube?” He asks in a low voice, his lips running across your skin. 

“No,” you reply, your body tense as you try not to shake in anticipation. 

“Fuck,” Logan breathes, his head coming to rest against your shoulder, “that’s okay,” he says, and you feel your body relax, “I can get you wet enough,” With how big his cock was, you doubt it, but it wouldn’t hurt to try. 

Logan’s first step to getting you to be what he says is wet enough is with his tongue. He starts with soft swipes of his tongue, letting you get accustomed to it. It wasn’t like it was hard, especially with the combination of the rough stubble on his face, which only added to the pleasure. 

The next step is spit, which, really you could say goes with the first. You already feel as if there’s enough of it already there from Logan’s tongue, a large extent due to when Logan kept pushing his tongue as far as it could go. It left you clenching down on the wet muscle, clawing your fingers into the couch as it massaged your walls. 

Logan didn’t let up and moved to spit a glob of spit onto your hole when it relaxed after pulling his tongue free. Caught off guard, you jerked forward, your cock coming into contact with the cushion of the couch. The friction had you gritting your teeth trying to stay quiet, hoping that because it was nearly five in the afternoon on Friday, most of the people in the building were already gone. 

Logan was quick to press the spit into your hole with a thick finger, all the way down until you were clenching down on all of it. “There we go,” Logan whispers from behind you, the wet heat of his breath on your shoulder. 

You turn your neck to face him, gasping into the kiss he presses to your lips. Logan swallows the moan that’s punched from your chest when his finger finds your prostate, the older man groaning as you clench down on his finger. 

Logan pulls away from the kiss at the same time his finger is pulled free. You feel the couch shift as Logan moves, the man making his way back down face-to-face with your hole. You’re proud of yourself for not jumping as hard when Logan spits on your hole a second time, the glob going deeper than the first after opening your hole just with one finger.    

“Does it burn, baby?” Logan asks, now that he’s using two fingers to chase after the spit instead of one.

”A little,” you whine around the burn as he scissors them apart. Almost like Logan can read your mind, he brushes his fingers along your prostate when the burn feels like it’s becoming too much. You feel precum leak from your cock, staining the upholstery. 

”That’s normal for your first time,” Logan says, pressing kisses along the shell of your ear. 

”I’ve done this before,” you respond, pushing back into Logan’s fingers. 

”Someone’s fucked you?” Logan asks, his arm coming to wrap around your stomach, right above your hard cock.

”Just my fingers,” you respond quietly. 

“How many?” Logan asks, his fingers coming to a stop. 

“Four,” you grit out, clenching down on his fingers like you’re wordlessly trying to get him to continue. 

Logan lets out a dark chuckle. He lays his hand on top of yours, his big hand bigger than your own. He stretches his fingers out, showing you how they compare in size. “That’s nearly your whole fist,” he says, his fingers starting to move again. 

“Need more,” you whine, clenching down on his fingers. 

“Shh,” Logan coos, “I know,” he lets out a warm breath at the back of your neck, “I can’t fuck you,” he says, pulling his fingers free slowly, “not like this.”

”Please,” you whine, louder than the one before. 

“Don’t wanna hurt you,” he responds, pressing soft kisses to the back of your neck. You feel his weight on the couch shift once more as he spreads your thighs apart. It’s a tight squeeze trying to fit the both of you on the couch, but Logan makes it work. 

He pushes his cock between your thighs, right below your balls, already tight against your cock. He grips your hips tightly before he begins thrusting, only taking a few jerks of his hips before you push your thighs together around his cock. 

The sound of Logan’s groan behind you travels from his chest to your back, letting you feel how good you’re making him feel. ”Does that mean I was the first?” He asks, one of his hands moving to wrap around your cock. 

“What?” You asked, confused, your mind cloudy from the pleasure. 

“Am I the first to touch you like this?” Logan questions, his voice a low growl. His fingers are slick around your cock, gliding along the length. 

You nod quickly, too close to the edge and overtaken with pleasure to even say a single word. You cum to the feel of Logan’s hand around your cock, his teeth biting possessively into the skin of your shoulder, and his cock nudging your balls. Ropes of cum shoot from your cock, staining the couch in his office. You probably won’t be able to look at couches ever the same again. 

Logan’s hand shoots up to your mouth, covering your lips as you moan, overtaken by the pleasure of your orgasm. You rest against his palm, falling forward while at the same time tightening the slick valley of your thighs.

Logan muffles his moan in the crook of your sweaty neck when he cums. It nearly burns, making a bigger mess in your thighs and on the couch. 

In a blur, Logan gets you onto his chest, his back now resting on the couch, “you okay?” He questions, his hand running softly along the sweaty expanse of your back. 

“I don’t think I can move,” you respond, still riding the high of probably one of the best orgasms you’ve had. 

Logan laughs loud enough that your head shakes against his chest. Moments later, when you’re nearly lulled to sleep by the ticking of the clock in his office, Logan speaks, “I’m sorry for getting so frustrated with you,” he says softly. 

“What do you mean?” You question, craning your head to look up at the man.

“I see how smart you are,” he answers, his voice a low rumble, “it made me frustrated to see you not working up to your potential.”

“I said I was sorry,” you immediately respond, not sure if you should pout or roll your eyes.   

“I know, baby,” he says with a smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling, “I know,” he leans down to press your lips together softly, “I just wanted to explain myself.”

This time you did roll your eyes, too fucked-out to try and control your expression, “I’ll write a better paper next time,” you grumble, moving to lay your head down once more over his chest.  

[torturedtypewritersdept]

blue eyes + bruises - part five

✯ pairing:

doctor!rafe cameron x fem!reader

✯ summary:

a tragic car accident looks like it'll be the end for you, but dr. cameron is here to make sure that doesn't happen.

✯ warnings:

mature themes, mentions of anxiety, nostalgia, and fear, car accident, death of a spouse (not rafe or y/n), major surgery, injuries, hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, etc.

✯ a/n:

nothing!! please don't engage if you have a hard time with any of these topics <3 this was origianlly posted on my old blog @/illicitfixations, @/lovelornanonymity back in 2021/2022 and i have rewritten + reshared it here :) the next chapter i spent literally so much time on and i can't wait to share it!!!!

—

Running. Rafe had always been inherently good at running. It was noticed for the first time in middle school by the track and field coach when he outran a bully. The talent was nurtured and he went on to be a track star in high school and college. It was a good skill for a surgeon to have in the midst of an emergency, the ability to run with dexterity and endurance and speed. At least that’s what Molly had convinced him of so she could ogle at his muscular thighs and chest at every track meet. God, did he miss her. The one thing he never thought he would have to run to is his girl, his wife, his molly, as she was wheeled into the emergency room. The words of the surgeon on her case played over and over in Rafe’s head – no matter where he was or what he was doing – the flashback of that night, of those words in that setting – about his wife – it was all too much, no matter how long she had been gone. 

“Rafe, I’m so sorry. We did everything we could.” 

Dr. Charles Richardson looked his colleague, his friend, in the eye with a somber gaze. It felt to Rafe like the look of someone after they had spent an entire afternoon reading Edgar Allen Poe. The look in Charles’ eye made him angry. It wasn’t because of the circumstances, it was because he knew what the look meant – it meant his wife was gone. It meant Charles was looking at him the way he looks at a patient’s family and Rafe, while he was her family, he knew the speech, he knew the words, he knew this world. He knew it was all bullshit.

“Don’t bullshit me, Charles. If my wife is dead, tell me she’s dead.”  

He growled. 

“I’m sorry, Rafe.” 

“You keep saying you’re sorry – say the fucking words. I need to hear you say the words. Not ‘I did everything I could’, not ‘I'm so sorry.’ You say the fucking words you coward.” 

“She’s gone, buddy. She’s gone.” 

—

Rafe was jolted out of his thoughts, out of the memory he had been encapsulated in for the last two years as you stirred awake. He sat there watching you, the steady rise and fall of your chest doing little to comfort him, though he knew it meant you were alive. His eyes moved from your sweet face to your leg that he had previously operated on, a black hinged brace lined it where it sat elevated against three pillows in an attempt to keep the swelling minimal. You looked so fragile, yet incredibly ethereal and soft and he couldn’t help but stare. It was impossible not to stare at something, someone that beautiful. To grow up that beautiful — he wondered what that was like as he sat there ogling at you. He pondered if he should let himself go there with you, if he could let himself feel the rush and the high of serotonin and dopamine that he clinically knew would be released if he was to allow himself to love again. Was he selfish for wanting to be happy? Was he chaos on two feet? Was he damnation on earth the way that he had convinced himself he was? What would become of you, if you were to love him? Would you wind up just like her? 

He forced his overactive brain to stop spinning once he noticed your eyes were open and he brushed his fingers against your forehead. 

“Hey, sweet girl. Welcome back.” 

He cooed, his fingers running up and down the bridge of your nose and across your eyebrows in the shape of a “T”. 

“Hi.” 

You croaked out, throat dry and begging for a source of water. Rafe obliged, rising to his feet as his brain recognized your desperation, hearing the desert within your windpipe and bringing the water up to your lips with a straw. 

“Suck slowly, okay?” 

He instructed, running his fingers through your hair slowly and you followed his directions. 

“How’s the pain?” 

He questioned with a softness that you were convinced was less about him being a good doctor and more about him just being who he was – just being a good person. 

“Like a five maybe. You’re still here?” 

You lied, not wanting to see the life leave his blue eyes when you told him otherwise. 

“That’s good. Yeah, I just wanted to sit with you for a while. Is that okay?” 

He smiled softly, questioning you.

“Of course it is. Can I go back to sleep? I mean, will you be here when I wake up if I do?” 

You questioned, a curiosity looming in your features, unsure why you would’ve stayed up if it meant more time with him.

“Absolutely, sweet girl. I’ll always be here.” 

He smiled, sitting next to you, rubbing soothing circles into the top of your head as you drifted off to sleep. You weren’t sure what it was, but you knew that he was telling the truth, that somehow he’d always be around.

—

You looked up at Rafe as he moved around you, fluffing the pillows behind your head, you sat at an incline in the bed again, trying desperately to reach the tv remote that sat on the table beside you. He had been talking – asking you questions about your day, as if you had done anything except lay here, again. But, all you could think about is the fact that your favorite movie was coming on tv in less than thirty minutes and it was a simple pleasure you were going to indulge yourself in. You shut your eyes tight, squeezing them against your eyelashes with the force of a thousand suns. Rafe must’ve noticed the pained expression on your face because before you could even ride out the wave of discomfort, he had the remote in his hands and he was kneeling in front of you, squatting on the balls of his feet.

“Hey, sweet girl, can you look at me?” 

He asked kindly and when the torment had subsided enough you blinked your eyes open, his piercing blue ones staring back into yours. 

“What is it, from 1-10? and don’t bullshit me this time.” 

His voice was soft but stern and you knew he meant business. 

“It’s a nine.” 

You said, grunting exasperatedly, frustrated and tired and sick – of – this. 

“Shit – sweetheart you can’t let it get that bad before you tell me and why are you putting yourself in more pain by reaching for this? You could’ve asked me, I’m right here.” 

He blurted out his questions in a brash way, waving the remote control in the air.

“My favorite movie is coming on, I just –, sorry, I’m just –” 

A whimper escaped your lips as you stuttered and Rafe moved toward you again, bringing your chin in between his thumb and pointer finger, tilting your head up towards him as he took in the tears that lined your eyes. His heart broke at the sight. 

“Hey – I know, sweetheart. You don’t have to be sorry, I know you’re frustrated.” 

“How do you know how I feel?” 

You questioned him with a hint of attitude. In your mind, it didn’t matter how many people he had operated on with your same injuries, he hadn’t lived it and because of that fact, he didn’t understand. 

“Let me guess, you’re frustrated, annoyed, tired, sad and really wanting a shower?” 

He asked you with a light chuckle, smiling the Rafe Cameron smile as you looked up at him with bewildered eyes. 

“How could you possibly know any of that?” 

You questioned him, confused. Did he go through this, physically? Did this sweet, sweet man hurt the same way that you had?

“Because I’ve been where you are.” 

He stated very matter-of-factly and you were confused.

“You cracked your bones in a million places, too?” 

Had he been through this, too?

“No, but I’ve been in a situation that was eerily similar.” 

You were silent at his declaration, wondering what situation he was referring to. 

“I can’t do much for you about a shower, it’s only been three days since your surgery and with you in this much pain, I don’t want you up and moving. But I can have Jenni give you a sponge bath. Would you be up for that?” 

“Yes, please. That would – be amazing.” 

He nodded and gave you the Rafe Cameron smile again, leaning in and placing a kiss on your forehead. Jenni and another nurse stepped into the room with everything they needed, setting up a bucket of water, some hypoallergenic soap and a sponge on the rolling table that each hospital room came with. Once they had everything set up, Rafe stepped out, being the gentleman he was, he wanted you to have privacy and he definitely didn’t want the first time he saw you naked to be in a hospital bed. 

“He’s quite dreamy, isn’t he?” 

A nurse that stood beside Jenni spoke into the air and your breath faltered. Were you that obvious? If this blonde bimbo picked up it – he probably did too. How fucking embarassing. Rafe had left the room only moments ago with a promise to come check on you shortly, but you so desperately wished he would save you from this woman as she stood in front of you preparing to strip you bare and see the most intimate parts of you, though it felt like she already had. 

“He’s very nice to me.” 

You stated, nodding with a soft smile though your tone was a bit curt. Jenni’s pager went off, signaling another emergency in the hall. 

“Shit – I'll be right back.” 

She muttered, running out of the room in a hurried fashion. The other nurse, who’s name you couldn’t bring yourself to remember, looked at the door as Jenni exited through the threshold – you were sure your recollection, or lack thereof, had more to do with the meds and less to do with her and the shitty vibe she gave off. She worked diligently, pulling down the hospital gown, noting the stitches that lined your chest as she drug the sponge gently over your soft skin. 

“Don’t worry, he’ll get you better and forget you ever existed. He won’t give any of us nurses the time of day. Don’t get your hopes up. Besides – look at you.” 

She replied, rolling her eyes as the words left her mouth. ‘What a bitter bitch’, you thought. You bit your tongue for only a moment before deciding to fully send it – there was nothing she could do to you – you were already bedridden, recovering from surgery and would be for the next few months – there was nothing she could do to you. 

“You know, maybe Rafe hasn’t given you the time of day because your personality fucking sucks, just a thought.” 

You spoke nonchalantly and before she could respond, she laid down the sponge she was using to bathe you with on top of your chest, took off her gloves and dug her long, manicured finger into the incision site Rafe had just stitched up on your hip. Your yelp was so loud Rafe heard it from the hallway, where he stood at the nurse’s station, finishing off your surgical notes. Suddenly, the hammering in his chest overtook him and he rushed into your room to see if you were experiencing post-operative pain or if something else was wrong. What he never expected to see was a nurse, finger deep into a surgical incision and you – your sweet face with tears cascading down it as your eyes pleaded for him. 

“What the fuck are you doing to her?!” 

He growled, rushing to your side, pushing her to the side and grabbing gauze off the table next to your bed, immediately holding it to your hip to stop the bleeding. 

“I know, baby – I know it hurts. I’m sorry, I’m gonna fix it, okay?” 

He pulled the gauze away from your hip and Jenni rushed into the room, taking in the sight of your stitches that were fresh and clean and showing signs of healing only minutes ago and were now torn and bloody and frayed like the pages of an old book. 

“What the fuck happened, Rafe?” 

Jenni all but squealed, rummaging through drawers searching for more gauze and a suture kit. 

“F-f-fingers –” 

You choked out, crocodile tears rolling down your bright pink cheeks as your fists clenched the sheets beside you. 

“Sweet girl, we’re gonna fix it, okay?” 

“No, R-rafe!” 

“What do you mean, no, sweetheart? Talk to me.” 

“Can’t do it anymore, can’t keep getting fixed. I’m not a stuffed animal that you can just keep sewing back up until all the stuffing has fallen out.” 

He cooed, brushing the hair away from your forehead. 

“I know, baby – I know you’re tired. But, if we don’t fix it you’ll get an infection and you’ll get sick okay? We have to fix it, sweet girl.” 

You reluctantly nodded, letting him work, continuing to wail as each stitch was placed into your hip again, the skin irritated and sore and only adding to the discomfort that raked through your entire body. It was almost like Rafe knew when your breaths picked up and the weight of your new reality had fallen on your chest because he started asking questions – questions that you hadn’t answered – questions that no one had bothered to ask you in years. 

“So, what did you do before – I mean, I can only assume you don’t frequent hospitals very often? Unless you’re one of those crazy people. Are you one of those crazy people?” 

You threw your hand up to your mouth and let out a giggle. 

“You’re cute when you ramble, Rafe.” 

His lips turned up into a smirk. Your pain filled haze had you simply not caring about flirting with the man in front of you.

“Oh, so you think I’m cute?” 

He questioned, eyebrows furrowed, laughing as he checked the fluids that hung behind your bed. Your face was red, realizing what you had previously said to him once his words had reached your ears. You wished the bed you laid in would swallow you whole, scared to look this beautiful man in the eye and face rejection. There’s no way the feeling is reciprocated. 

“I mean, yeah. You’re an attractive guy, you’ve gotta know that.”

You stuttered out awkwardly and he simply giggled at the way you were shrinking into yourself, embarrassed at the compliment you had given him.

“Sweetheart, don’t be embarrassed. It’s okay, I’m flattered.” 

He smiled – the Rafe Cameron smile – rubbing circles into your hand as you took in the words that left his lips. 

He’s flattered. That’s what you say when you’re trying to let someone down easily. He doesn’t reciprocate and how could he? Just look at you. 

The assault on your heart at the mercy of your brain was interrupted quickly by Rafe’s voice again. 

“So, what did you do before? For work, I mean. You never answered my question.” 

“Okay, nosey. I’m – well – I was a high school English teacher.” 

You replied, with a sad smile. 

“What made you want to teach?” 

He asked, interested in everything that involved you.

“My younger sister, Ella has special needs and she wasn’t always treated fairly in the classroom; so I just wanted to make sure no child ever experienced that again.” 

“You know what that tells me?” 

He asked, a sly smile dancing across his face.

“What?” 

You wondered out loud.

“It tells me that you’re sweet and a good person and that you could’ve never deserved for this to happen.” 

“Thank you, Rafe –” 

He looked at you as tears fell down your face.

“Sweetheart, what can I do?” 

You didn’t answer him and your breaths only seem to quicken by the second and before Rafe could even think, he had kicked off his shoes and climbed in the bed with you, wrapping his arms around you tightly, one hand draping across your waist and one around the back of your head, pooling your hair in his hands. 

“Shh. It’s okay, baby. I’m so sorry.” 

He cooed. 

“I-I’m never gonna b-be the same am I? I-I’ll n-never b-be able to teach again.” 

You whimpered, crying into his chest. 

“Hey, sweet girl, don’t say that. I’m gonna do everything in my power to make sure you teach again, okay? I won’t let anyone take that away from you, ever.” 

His voice was soft and tender, afraid the wrong octave might rip you in half and you’d cease to exist right then and there. 

“Do you understand? I won’t let that happen.” 

This time he spoke with more force and you nodded your head reluctantly, unsure if you really believed him or not. 

“Tell me something to make me forget, Rafe – What made you want to become a doctor?” 

You questioned and he was uncomfortable, but the pleading look in your eyes made him answer anyway.

“It’s not a story full of glory, sweetheart. How about I tell you a better one, huh? How’s that sound?” 

He questioned, his hands working against your scalp like his life depended on it. 

“That sounds good.” 

You replied, somberly, wondering what kind of hurt this beautiful, sweet human being had experienced to make him so closed off about his own life. 

“Well – once upon a time, there was this doctor and he was a real asshole until this pretty girl walked into the hospital he worked at.” 

“What did she look like?” 

You questioned with curiosity-stricken features. He smiled at you, how he was the only one who got to see you like this. He couldn’t help but feel honored. 

“I think she looked a lot like you, sweetheart.” 

Your breath is caught in your throat at the fact that those words were coming from him. His hand motions continue against your scalp as you listen to his words, the euphoria that’s felt from the action is something you aren’t sure you’ve ever felt in your entire life. 

“I’m glad I found you, Rafe.” 

You mutter sleepily, listening to him continue the details of the stranger's beauty, who in his words, looked similar to you, before you promptly fell asleep.

“And I’m glad I found you, angel.” 

He whispers, continuing to rub soothing circles into your hair, letting you cuddle deeper into him and for the first time Rafe had felt warmth in someone that wasn’t Molly. He had felt warmth and goodness and it wasn’t from her and it simply scared him half to death. 

—

taglist:

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[deeplyshalllow]

I’m sorry but this is bullshit.

Let’s break this down

On Fiyero being Captain of the Guard

He is a double agent. He does not believe what he stands for and is using his position to do what he can to find and help Elphaba. I don’t know what to say to you if you missed the obvious statements about this in Thank Goodness, because I have always thought they were so obvious they really should be rewritten because I don’t know how he wasn’t found out and arrested when he said all that.

Morrible: Now you've been at the forefront of the hunt for the Wicked Witch, haven't you? Fiyero: I don't like to think of her as a Wicked Witch.

Glinda: Fiyero, I miss her too, but we can't just stop living. No one has searched harder for her than you.

I guess he doesn’t literally say “shhh I’m secretly using my position to undermine the regime” but I think the writers thought people watching the show had some basic media literacy.

Does this mean he didn’t commit atrocities? No probably not. But bear in mind if he hadn’t been doing it, someone else would have. Fiyero knows this, by placing himself here he is in the best position both to protect Elphaba but also protect the Animals in the regime. I know we don’t see him helping the Animals, but nor do we really see Elphaba doing so? Given he used the first opportunity, when they wouldn’t get in trouble, to help the Lion Cub it seems a pretty good inference that he was trying to send out warnings to Animals when he could (especially now the movieverse has made him the only character aside from Elphaba who is friends with an Animal – he probably even has a network he can tap into!).

“Searching for Elphaba did not somehow compel him to go and volunteer to follow (or to give!) orders in the name of the dictator who was trying to have her assassinated the entire time.”

IDK about you, but I think if I were to search for someone wanted and was given the opportunity to both have the best resources and information to find her and hamper people who might find her and hurt her, I would totally do it this way too.

“He didn't accomplish anything from it either, by the way”

Um, yes he did? He literally succeeded in the exact goal he was planning by joining the Gale Force: to protect Elphaba. If he hadn’t been Captain of the Guard in the throne room when the Wizard called his guards she would have been captured and killed, instead she escaped which eventually allowed the Wizard to be overthrown and Elphaba’s values to be acted on in the form of Glinda ruling.

Her position in the Wizard's regime was foisted upon her. There are things we can discuss, but I find that many folks need reminding that Glinda would undoubtedly have been disposed of (or worse) if she failed to make herself useful.

There is a difference between keeping quiet, not protesting a regime and actively endorsing it. Glinda was doing the latter and she was not forced into that. (She also was not helping undermine it the same way Fiyero was).

Fiyero: I can't just stand here grinning pretending to go along with all of this! Glinda: Do you think I like to hear them say those awful things about her? I hate it! Fiyero: Then what are we doing here? Let's go, let's get out of here! Glinda: We can't leave now, not when people are looking to us to raise their spirits. Fiyero: You can't leave, because you can't resist this. And that is the truth. Glinda: Maybe I can't. Is that so wrong? Who could?

Elphaba: No, of course you never! You're too busy telling everyone how wonderful everything is! Glinda: I'm a public figure, now. People expect me to... Elphaba: Lie? Glinda: Be encouraging!

I promise I do not hate Glinda, I find her character fascinating, and she is starting to make up for the awful stuff she does in act two by the end of the musical. But do not pretend for one moment that she is not actively complicit in this regime, with no real desire to stop it until it starts actively hurting her.

“He always WANTED to be self-absorbed and shallow, and all his actions are consistent with that. Elphaba saw depth and discontentment in him, yes: but (and I cannot stress this enough) when given the chance, he channeled that in the wrong direction. He didn't confront that and become a better person.”

He gave up his wealth, privilege and safety to ensure Elphaba escaped from the throne room and continued her cause (this isn’t about running away with Elphaba btw, he lost everything from the moment he pointed the gun at the Wizard). He was ready to die for her in the Corn Field scene. I don’t know what more you want him to do to prove that he was not shallow and he wouldn’t die for his cause in the exact same way Elphaba was prepared to?

“He doesn't think through the wider repercussions of anything he does — thoughtlessness is just one of his core character traits.”

I don’t think there’s anything to say here except you are just actively wrong.

Fiyero is the only character of the trio to put thoughts into his actions. He is the only one who doesn’t immediately act on his impulses.

Elphaba reacts immediately to what she thinks is right without thinking of the consequences to herself or, frankly, if it will even work. This is shown metaphorically in her outbursts of magic in early act 1 but also more literally in Defying Gravity, confronting the Wizard after Wonderful and, even in some twisted sense, in capturing Dorothy.

Glinda reacts immediately to her first instinct of what she wants and feels emotionally and regrets later (often when it’s too late to backtrack) – the hat, telling Morrible and the Wizard how to capture Elphaba, even saying she’ll join Elphaba in Defying Gravity can be seen as examples of this.

Fiyero, however, (ironically) is the only one of the group who thinks. In throne room he goes in, plays the part of a loyal guard until he’s got rid of the witnesses and neutralised the threat of the Wizard, in the Cornfield scene he realises that the only way he can get Elphaba away safely is by threatening Glinda, at the end of the show he is the one who plays along as a scarecrow for days while coming up with the plan for Elphaba to escape (and make no mistake, this is Fiyero’s plan, he’s the one who knows the water melting rumour, he’s the one who knows the secret passages in Kiamo Ko).

“But let me be frank: that is literally all he ever accomplishes in the show. He gives her dick one time, and one of his castles, and that's it. That's the culmination of his years trying to find her”

He saves her life three times in act two. What the fuck are you talking about?

Glinda who is ultimately vindicated, and has — for all her faults — made the necessary choices to fulfill Elphaba's wishes,

I will give you that. But it’s not by any foreplaning. Glinda does become a good person, but it takes the whole musical and some very horrible consequences for her actions, ones that she quite rightly will forever regret and have to spend her whole life making up for.

And none of this would have been possible without Fiyero anyway, if it had not been for him Elphaba would have been captured, executed and Glinda would have never had the courage – or possibly even the motivation to fight back.

[Wicked Act II spoilers]

[edited for tone and clarity of purpose, apologies for initial crudeness and frustration]

Okay, obviously I'm biased, but I'm gonna need the Fiyeraba shippers to please set a lot of your people straight about some things. I've seen way too many people trying to say that Glinda is just a selfish bimbo and that Fiyero is a virtuous and selfless figure more worthy of Elphaba's love. I'll set aside for now the idea of "worthiness" in this context. But let's start off with Fiyero joining the Wizard. Hoo boy...

Yes, he was initially somewhat less tolerant of the propaganda against Elphaba than Glinda was; yes, he was secretly trying to find her so he could run away with her or whatever. But honey: those facts DO NOT fully absolve his actions as the Wizard's top officer, or selfish recklessness throughout Act II. I see so many popular threads and posts romanticizing and whitewashing with "oh but he didn't REALLY join the Wizard, he just pretended so he could try to get to Elphie! It's all for love, and he sacrificed everything for her!" As if the literal captain of the literally fascist forces responsible for the oppression of Animals wasn't equally responsible for said oppression?? Hello? Fiyero really didn't think of seeking out Elphaba in ANY other way that DIDN'T involve becoming *checks notes*... the trusted leader of the troops committing all the abuses she's fighting against in the first place???? Like it's cool and all that he helped with Brrr, and it's all well and good that he planned on betraying the Wizard as soon as he found Elphaba (which took literal years, so I guess we're left to assume he was prepared to just keep doing fascism indefinitely if she didn't show up????), but uh... it's kind of concerning to how eager some of you are to make excuses for this dude volunteering as the head of the Ozian Gestapo??? smdh

He didn't accomplish anything from it either, by the way — like yeah, we get it, he did everything he did whilst silently fantasizing about running away with the Witch he was being paid to hunt. Fine. But I can't be the only one who doesn't buy that as an actual excuse???? Like, guys: nobody forced him to join the fascist army — even with crazy ulterior motives. He wasn't coerced into it; it wasn't his only choice or anything. Searching for Elphaba did not somehow compel him to go and volunteer to follow (or to give!) orders in the name of the dictator who was trying to have her assassinated the entire time. He could have just not done all that. (Genuinely so curious how the second film plans on covering that material tbh)

Glinda made several questionable decisions that can be (and have been) debated, but she is still very unambiguously a victim. Her position in the Wizard's regime was foisted upon her. There are things we can discuss, but I find that many folks need reminding that Glinda would undoubtedly have been disposed of (or worse) if she failed to make herself useful. I mean hell: she wasn't even supposed to meet the Wizard in the first place — she was only there because of Elphie. If she'd tried to resist, it would have immediately gotten her labeled the Witch's accomplice. As soon as she'd chosen not to get on the broom, her fate was out of her hands, and all available options were varying degrees of horrible.

That's not the case with Fiyero. He went to the Wizard all on his own; no one ever cornered or forced him into it. Thinking Animals are people, and having a crush on Elphaba, simply did not stop him from carrying out the regime's orders — for years. It's not clear exactly how long he's been captain at the start of Act II, but the clear implication is that he's been a soldier for most of the time skip. I've seen Fiyeraba accounts with headcanons about him acting as a double agent, secretly doing stuff to help Animals — and that's a great idea, it would indeed serve to make a lot of his actions way more palatable — but until we actually get to SEE some of that (maybe they'll add it for the movie version of Act II; we'll have to see), there is nothing in the story to suggest that. He certainly didn't do a damn thing for all those Animals who were enslaved and caged in the Wizard's palace — and we don't see a single other Animal outside of there in Act II, so as far as we know Fiyero has participated over those years in the near-total removal of Animals from Ozian society. In the name of "finding Elphaba". Not fighting for her cause. Just finding HER. For HIMSELF.

It's fine to have a ship you like, obviously — and there is genuinely a lot to like about Fiyeraba, I don't dislike the idea of them as a couple or as friends — but come on guys: please stop those out there idealizing Fiyero as somehow a clear "morally-superior" alternative to Glinda, lol. The dude had power, access, and opportunities, for years, that he could have wielded in any number of really selfless, revolutionary ways. He didn't. And I propose (apparently controversially): he simply didn't want to. And that — at the end of the day — is (much as some would like to deny it) true to his character. He always WANTED to be self-absorbed and shallow, and all his actions are consistent with that. Elphaba saw depth and discontentment in him, yes: but (and I cannot stress this enough) when given the chance, he channeled that in the wrong direction. He didn't confront that and become a better person — for the most part he just displaced and projected it onto Elphaba as an object of obsession, and put on an even thicker pretense than before.

All his actions — regardless of the complexity he has deep down — are those of a man who never gives one fuck about anything or anyone, except (kinda sorta) Elphaba. But even then: at no time does the care he has for her seem to extend to caring about any of her wants or needs outside of sexual validation from him, or how she might feel about his actions, or indeed the impacts of those actions upon her, her cause, or anyone or anything else. I don't think it should be all that controversial to say: he doesn't think through the wider repercussions of anything he does — thoughtlessness is just one of his core character traits. He doesn't think ahead or see meaning in anything outside of what can temporarily excite him, in the moment. I think people place a little too much weight on Elphaba clocking him with regard to his internal pain, and seem to expect (understandably of course) that she is not only right, but moreover that he will grow from that in a positive direction, based on her influence.

But he doesn't. If anything, we get a surprising inverse: he pretty much proves her wrong. Not to say he didn't have hidden depth and all that, like she said: but his hypothetical heart of gold proves not to really amount to much in practice. He doesn't grow out of his shallowness and his self-centeredness: he grows into it in a way that he hadn't quite yet in school. Where once he was only masking an internal listlessness, after he's been cracked open by Elphaba he decides to be genuinely self-absorbed and deeply shallow, not just coasting by. He performs in new ways — as a soldier, eventually as a "fiancé", etc. — but by Act II we meet a Fiyero who has staked the last remaining shred of humanity in him on the vain pursuit of the only object of his desire that has ever been unavailable to him, and firmly chosen to say to hell with everyone and everything else.

When put to the test, Fiyero sacrifices Glinda, the Animals, and all else that Elphaba actually cared about, to pursue his own unresolved crush from college. Mostly to get in her pants, really — as harsh as I'm sure that sounds. But let me be frank: that is literally all he ever accomplishes in the show. He gives her dick one time, and one of his castles, and that's it. That's the culmination of his years trying to find her — years in which he actively worked as one of the stormtroopers (or even the one commanding them) committing untold crimes against Animalkind (who, again, it seems have been all but erased from Oz by Act II): y'know, the very crimes Elphaba sacrificed her life to try and stop????? He spent the most important time of his life — of his own free will — being a fascist soldier, but he "did it for her" somehow, so according to some, it's perfectly fine. Heroic, even. Yikes??

But let's make something very clear (since my original version of this post caught a lot of flak, including slurs and other rudeness):

I like Fiyero. I find his role extremely interesting (I could do a whole dissertation on him, but I'm especially a fan of the way his proving Elphaba's assessment of him wrong presents a fascinating parallel and contrast with Glinda, which I think is lost on a lot of people). But PLEASE stop with all the misguided Glinda slander and idealization of Fiyero. By all means, thirst! But don't give me all this bullshit about him deserving Elphaba more, or being super deep, or being really principled or noble or whatever else. He does have layers, and quite intriguing ones, but his insides are straw — he isn't meant to have some deep, overwrought emotional core or motivations; he has passions that he acts upon when given the chance. That's it. And that's fine. Actually kind of refreshing in a story rooted in simple children's fantasy but rife with intensely complicated personalities. Fiyero makes it his mission to represent denial of depth and embrace of raw, spontaneous desire — and I for one love that, and wish others appreciated it.

And in all seriousness, shipping wars aside: by the end of the story, it's Glinda who is ultimately vindicated, and has — for all her faults — made the necessary choices to fulfill Elphaba's wishes, bring down the regime, etc. And all that despite herself. She's miserable: not just because of the mistakes she made, but because of her correct moves as well. Fiyero is simply not — and could never be — that person. And that's okay! Like I said: I am not anti-Fiyero. Fiyero's willingness to throw it all away for the sake of sheer, overriding passion is a huge part of what people like about him, of course — and it's an obvious factor in the attraction between him and Elphaba, because she has her own flavor of that impulse as well — but I'd actually argue that it's not romantic, it's his fatal flaw. And thematically that's fantastic! But I just don't believe that it somehow means he "deserves Elphaba more" because he "gave up his life for her" or whatever. In part because NOBODY truly "deserves" Elphie tbh, not 100% (and I question anybody who claims otherwise), but ultimately because I don't accept the idea that his fleeting acts of passion make up for all the shit leading up to them (or even proceeding after them tbh). At least Glinda managed to do what Elphaba always wanted in the end — but I would die on this hill even if Gelphie didn't exist.

You don't have to agree with my analysis of Fiyero and his choices, relationships, etc. — that's fine. What isn't fine is trying to portray Glinda as some kind of spineless traitor whore for the Wizard and Fiyero as a conscientious hero who earned Elphie through self-sacrifice. That's just not the story that was written. It's WAY messier and more interesting than that.

[virq-qgo]

Arthur Morgan x reader

Hey hun, I hope this was good enough for you! I am so excited that I am your first ask, haha!! I am unfortunately not that good at writing angst, and I’m a little rough with writing right now since it’s been a little while.. I also just actually started the game so I know nothing about Mary Linton, or the whole game play in this area. So I am so sorry if this is completely wrong and messed up!!

Warnings: mentions of cheating but no cheating actually happened, angst, my writing, angst to fluff, Arthur is probably very OOC.. my writing once again, not proofread

Mary Linton. The most prettiest girl in town, the woman that every man wanted, but could never get.

No man could keep his eyes, hands, lips off her.

And you were stupid to think that Arthur would be smart enough to know better. But that night, when you were returning back from a trip that Dutch had set you on. You saw Arthur and Mary Linton together at the bar. His hand on the small of her back and her hands pressed against his chest.

Every man in that bar hated Arthur, for he was the only man that got to look at her, who got to touch her.

The look of love shone in Mary’s eyes as she look at Arthur. But could you blame her? Despite Arthur saying he’s a bad man, he was a good one. He made sure every woman was safe. That anyone was safe.

That’s why you fell in love with him.

Unfortunately, as soon as you tried to leave the scene. Your lover quickly spotted you. He had a smile on his face as he wave you down to come join them. But his smile quickly dropped when he saw your frown and your eagerness to leave.

Tears popped in your eyes as you turned around and left the bar. Millions of thought rushed through your head while you walked home. Were you not pretty enough? Maybe it’s because you weren’t smart. Or perhaps it was because you were running away from the law. Not understanding what could’ve made Arthur change his mind really hurt.

The amount of times where he lied with you in the grass, his arms around your body. Telling you what he was gonna do with you in the future. The amount of kids he wanted with you. What time of farm house you’d live in. And what type of animals you should have.

A hand touching your shoulder broke you from your turn of thought. You twisted your head to see the one and only Arthur with a displeased look on his face.

“Why did you leave?” He asked, his scruffy voice was softer than usual.

Quiet for a few moments, you decide to speak. “I had no business there.”

“Bullshit, you look like you’ve been cryin’” Arthur had now fully turned you around. With his hand on your body. He inspected your face, he knew you had been crying. Arthur was so good at reading you, you hated it.

“Are you just gonna leave a lady all alone in a bar full of drunk men?” The question came out saltier sounding than you intended.

“What does this have to do with her?” Arthur asked, crossing his arms as he fully inspected you.

A sigh escaped your lips and you felt a new set of tears wash in. “What’s so special about her Arthur? What does she have that I don’t? If it’s my looks, I can change them. Or maybe it’s because I’m an outlaw, and you want a normal girl. So I can turn myself in for you. I just want to be good enough for you.”

“Whoa, hey now.” Arthur pulled you in closely to him. His hands gripping your waist as he held you the way you liked to be. “What’s all up in that head, pretty girl? Why’er talkin like that?”

But when you didn’t respond, he frowned.

“C‘mom baby girl,” he spoke softly while his thumb came up to wipe the tear that was rolling down your cheek. “If you’re upset about Mary and I in the bar. Then you truly don’t have to worry. Some guy was just messin’ with her.”

Your heart hurt, you were too insecure to notice the situation before. Of course, he was just doing his part and helping. Arthur truly loved you, you were his woman. And nothing would ever change that.

Tears continued to flow out of your pretty eyes, cashing Arthur to pull you in for a hug. One arm resting around your waist as for the other, he was playing with your hair. Hoping to get you distracted.

“I’m so sorry Arthur, I-“ you stuttered over yourself. You couldn’t find the words to say anything.

Except Arthur always knew what to do, he knew you like the back of his own hand. His hands cradle your beautiful face as blue eyes look into yours. Oh how he wanted to marry you right then and there. You were absolutely so beautiful to him, to know how much love you had in your heart for him. He loved it. He was so in love with you.

“I don’t think you understand, just how much I love you.” His thumb brushes away your tears as he softly talks to you. “I am so in love you, girl. It drives me absolutely nuts. Mary Linton can’t even compare to you. You are my woman, hell. You’re gonna be my wife. You don’t gotta change your looks, cause I love waking up every day and seeing your face and kissing those lips. I love how your body fits just right in my hands.”

“Arthur,” You try to call out, but he immediately hushes you.

“You don’t get to talk until you understand that you are my woman. That I don’t want no other, just you, alright?”

You nod your head with a soft smile on your lips. You bury your head in his chest, your heart feeling a little warmer and he continues to tell you just how much he loved you.

[mad-hatter-memes]

Shirts That Go Hard

A collection of dialogue prompts from sentences printed on shirts as seen on the blog shirtsthatgohard. Feel free to adjust quotes as necessary.

TW: Swearing, suggestive references, death references, drug references, just a whole lot of mature references.

"You say...Lesbians eat WHAT!!?"

"I do not serve cunt, I am cunt's servant."

"Contrary to popular belief, I have a dad."

"When I die I might not go to heaven. I don't know if they let cowboys in."

"Do you guys ever think about dying?"

"Sorry I missed church, I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian."

"I went to the Garfield Fan-Con In Cleveland, Ohio and all I got was pregnant."

"I have a lot of thoughts about the 2006 Adam Sandler film "Click"."

"I make my mom sad with my choices every day."

"I gotta see the candy first, then I get in the van. I'm not stupid."

"Your shirt says "Cocaine and Caviar" but your face says "Fish Sticks and Fentanyl"."

"Sorry I shoved a Rice Krispie Treat in your DVD player..."

"My parents said I could be anything, so I became an asshole."

"After all that surgery you are still ugly, and that is what gets me."

"Calling me fat is not an insult. I'm sorry my mom bought groceries and not crack.

"Denny's is just Waffle House for people who don't know how to fight."

"The only thing I like more than reading books is fucking."

"I am going to punch you in the mouth! With my mouth...softly...because I like you."

"You constantly amaze me, but not in a good way."

"If she is your girlfriend, why is she playing with my mullet?"

"What have you done to deserve your legs?"

""What's Updog?" how about you shut the fuck "Updog"?"

"I feel like 2007 Britney..."

"Jesus loves you, but I don't. Go fuck yourself."

"I don't know what's wrong with me but I can name several prescription medications that haven't helped."

"Sorry for having great tits and correct opinions."

"Everything I want to do is illegal!"

"I haven't lost my virginity, because I never lose."

"I ain't afraid to love a man. I ain't afraid to shoot one either."

"I believe in you! I also believe in Bigfoot so don't get too excited."

"Jesus loves you. It's just the rest of us who think you're an asshole."

"I just took 12 gas station dick pills and now I'm on my way to Applebee's."

"You can go to hell, I'm going to Toyotathon."

"I wish Italians were real..."

"Not now, sweetie. Mommy's cyberbullying the mayor."

"Baby girl you're so damn fine. Though, I'm trying to know if I can hit you with a pinecone.

"In this group is a Fox News viewer. Can't find them? That's because they live among us, be afraid..."

"You're not a "Bad Bitch", you're a bad person."

"If there's no Bingo in heaven, I'm NOT going."

"Toes are just thicker fingers."

"I'm gonna identify as a fucking problem."

"At least get me some coffee before you start in with your horseshit."

"You're twisted, perverted, and sick...I like that in a person!"

"I don't need life, I'm high on drugs!"

"Hating popular things doesn't make you an interesting person."

"Sorry princess, I only date women who might stab me."

"Kindly keep your bullshit to your fucking self."

"We're all trying to kill time, while time kills us."

"What the fuck is really going on?"

"If you heard anything bad about me, believe all that shit and leave me the fuck alone."

"Bigfoot is real and he tried to eat my ass."

"If you think I'm a bitch, you should meet my sister."

"Sweating sucks, I'd rather be embraced by the cold chill of autumn."

"Oh I don't drink, just drugs for me thanks!"

[thegayhimbo]

Stranger Things (1x02): “The Weirdo on Maple Street” Review

Just like the previous episode, this one contains neat homages and references to different 80s movies that help lay out the structure of the show and its story without overshadowing it. It also incorporates unique call-forwards to future episodes (specifically in season 4) that, when viewed again on rewatch (especially having seen the play The First Shadow), recontextualizes the entire mytharc.

Ironically, despite the name of this episode deriving from a famous Twilight Zone episode, “The Monsters are Due on Maple Street,” they have very little in common plot-wise with each other, and the themes present in that particular episode will come into play later in season 4, specifically with Jason’s witch hunt against the Hellfire Club.

Part 1: Mike, Dustin, and Lucas meet El

The interactions at the beginning between El, Mike, Dustin, and Lucas is a combination of both amusing (since they’re 12 year old boys who are implied to have never really talked to girls their age) and gives some initial insight into each character.

Mike is the one who comes off the most empathetic to El’s plight in this situation (note that he took off his coat earlier and wrapped it around El to keep her warm). He’s genuinely concerned over why she’s out in the rain looking scared with barely any clothes on (save Benny’s T-shirt), and he’s the the one who gives her clothes to wear. I also think it’s interesting that, when El refuses to have the door to the bathroom closed for privacy, Mike agrees to keep the door open slightly.

I know this is often attributed by most of the fandom to Hopper since he’s the one who makes a big stink in season 3 about El having her door open three inches (something that’s played as a recurring joke), but this episode introduces it first with Mike’s arrangement with El, as well as El’s desire for a semi-open door due to the trauma of being locked in solitary confinement at the Lab (as we’ll see later on).

By contrast, Lucas and Dustin come off as insensitive, even though that likely wasn’t their intention. Dustin’s dialogue about El, from asking out-loud whether she has cancer due to short hair, or if she’s deaf, or even if she slept naked, indicates he views her in the moment as a curiosity. That curiosity certainly peaks when he later finds out she has powers, and he will eventually move past this initial perception of her. Lucas is a lot blunter in openly noting that El doesn’t act like a normal girl, speculates that she came from Pennhurst (the asylum which would later make an appearance in the season 4 episode “Dear Billy”), and uses phrases like “psycho” “freak” “weirdo” and “something wrong in the head with her” (The latter phrase would later be used by the Duffer Brothers to describe Angela in S4, although that had less to do with mental illness in Angela’s case and more to do with her being a genuinely vile human being).

While we're on this topic………let’s discuss Lucas’s initial attitude towards El, and how the fandom reacted towards it.

I am aware of the negativity that got directed at Lucas in the first season because of this, to the point that even Caleb McLaughlin was not only painfully aware of it, but was even on the receiving end of fandom racism because of it. It doesn’t help that some of these fans who trashed Lucas in this season would later go on to defend Billy in season 2, and either pretend that his racism towards Lucas wasn’t a thing, or use Lucas’s initial behavior towards El as a justification for why it was okay for Billy to treat Lucas like shit. I am deeply sorry Caleb was on the receiving end of that at a young age, and he deserved a helluva lot better than having to put up with that kind of racist bullshit.

While I wasn’t happy about the terminology Lucas used to describe El, it’s important to note he is 12 at this point. Like any kid his age, he is going to say stuff that, in hindsight, comes off as insensitive at best, and hurtful at worst. A lot of this can be chalked up to ignorance surrounding mental health issues and abuse, as well as the fact he’s facing a freaky situation with someone who isn’t acting in a way considered ‘normal.’ The result is falling back on stereotypes and cliches about abnormal people that he likely picked up from movies like John Carpenter’s Halloween (which is referenced in the comparison Lucas and Dustin make between El and Michael Myers) and other kids his age who discussed that stuff with the same levels of ignorance.

Third, just like with Steve (who acts callously insensitive at different points in this episode), Lucas is being presented with flaws and biases that he must overcome. This is how a character arc is supposed to work. They start out one way, undergo a journey, are forced to confront their flaws, realize they need to make a change, and apply those lessons to become better people than they were before. It's why I find it eye-roll inducing how many idiots in this fandom fall into this Puritain-esque way of thinking where, if a character has ever said or done anything remotely uncaring in the past, the idea is they should never live it down, EVEN IF they have long since apologized and put in the work to be better.

I want to be careful not to infantilize Lucas the same way fans have done with Billy or Angela to try and absolve them for their disgusting behavior. Unlike those two, whose intentions were based on getting a kick out of sadistically hurting others to make themselves feel superior, all the while never apologizing and doubling down, Lucas’s initial attitude was more rooted in seeing El as an inconvenience to their goal of finding Will as opposed to just wanting to make El’s life a living hell (like Angela) or taking his anger out on others (like Billy).

Again, I’m not saying this attitude was okay. It was immature in the same way Steve’s initial reaction towards Jonathan putting up Missing Posters for Will was callow. However, it’s not rooted in the mean-spirited cruelty some fans have accused it of being, and it’s supposed to be a point for both Lucas (and Steve) to grow from.

Speaking of El, just like there was the implication El was intentionally starved at the Lab, we get more subtle signs of how she was abused: Her reaction to putting the fresh pair of clothes Mike gives her on her cheek (indicating she’d been in that hospital gown for quite a while). Her panicked reaction later in the episode when she’s forced to hide in Mike’s closet, triggering a PTSD flashback to when Brenner forced the orderlies to lock her up in solitary confinement. Her flinching at little things, like when Dustin claps in her face, or the lightning outside (though that is likely due to never having been outside the Lab before now and being unfamiliar with lightning), or when Lucas points to the blood on her, or when he later angrily demands from El to know where Will is. Even the scene of her almost stripping in front of the guys, while played for laughs, all but spells out how she never had access to privacy and was under constant watch (I can’t remember if there was a security camera in her room at the Lab, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was).

El’s situation and reactions remind me of Genie, a real life case we studied in my psychology class in school involving a feral girl from Los Angeles who'd spent 13 years of her life locked in a room and chained to a toilet by her parents (specifically her father, though her mother and brother also enabled this due to being at the receiving end of his abuse as well). She was constantly subjected to the rage and neglect of her father, including beatings, malnourishment, isolation from the outside world, and constantly being kept in the dark. It’s even been speculated he may have sexually abused her at various points as well. The dude was a real piece of work, and the damage he did to her severely affected Genie's physical, mental, and emotional development, to the point she learned not to make any noises (lest her father beat her with a wooden plank) and didn’t develop the language and communication skills kids her age would have picked up by that point. She was eventually discovered in 1970 by a social worker, who alerted authorities and had her taken to Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. The case got public attention and the father, who was unable to handle the media scrutiny, committed suicide, all while leaving behind a note where he refused to take responsibility for what he did to his daughter.

It's unclear whether the Duffer Brothers based aspects of El’s character on Genie, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did (If this is true, and there was an interview I missed talking about this subject, feel free to link to it in the reblogs). Both girls are abuse survivors who were stunted in their growth and development because of what they were put through. In the case of Genie, her father’s abuse of her caused lasting physical damage, including having limited gross motor skills (i.e. basic functions kids learn during development like standing, sitting, walking, etc) and impairing her ability to communicate and learn new words and vocabulary.

In El’s case, she also has limited vocabulary and is unfamiliar with certain words (like “friend”) but she’s shown to understand concepts even if she doesn’t have the words to name them. The abuse Brenner subjected El to was along the lines of Operant Conditioning (i.e. rewarding and punishing behavior, and behavior based on the removal or addition of stimuli), and was done as a way of molding her into the weapon he wanted (in stark contrast to Genie’s father, whose abuse stemmed from wanting nothing to do with his daughter and resenting her existence). Unlike with Genie, we see that El did develop gross motor skills (i.e. the flashback Terry has where she sees a three year old El playing with Kali/Eight, and the rainbow room in season 4 with the special kids playing with toys), and there clearly was some attempt at raising El to make sure El could understand and communicate with Brenner and the orderlies in order to spy on the Russians. The abuse in question was specifically tailored by Brenner: Keeping El isolated from the outside world, and limiting her knowledge to only what Brenner wanted her to know. Drilling into El that she was expected to perform certain tasks on his command, and punishing her with solitary confinement if she disobeyed or refused. Allowing the other kids at the lab to bully El because she was slow in the development of her powers and hoping that the ostracization would produce the results he wanted.

There’s also the trauma associated with memories El has repressed, but have slowly started to seep through. For story related purposes, we don’t yet see the flashbacks to the Massacre at Hawkins Lab and the events leading up to that (at least not until season 4), but it is subtly alluded to in the scene where Mr. Clarke finds a piece of El’s hospital gown in the tunnel she used to escape. AKA the same tunnel Henry/One/Vecna led her to in 1979:

Like I said, this episode contains several call-forwards, and this is one of them. It explains how El knew where to go to escape the Lab once the gate opened, and “The Monster” elaborates on WHY she finally did.

It’s pretty clear Mike and El’s interactions at the house during the day are meant to invoke Steven Spielberg’s E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, with Mike faking sick to stay home (the difference being Karen sees through it, but allows Mike the day off because of what happened to Will, while also telling him he can always talk to her if he needs to), showing El around his house, introducing her to Star War toys the same way Elliot did with E.T., and even making food for her. There’s even the later scene of El wandering the house during dinner and Karen nearly missing her, similar to Elliot’s mom having near misses with E.T. when Gertie brought him downstairs. These scenes have a nice charm to them, and have always been fun to watch.

Another movie this episode pays homage to in one particular scene is a 1985 Harrison Ford film called Witness:

Witness centers around a German Amish boy named Samuel Lapp who, after the death of his father, travels to Baltimore with his mother Rachel to visit her sister. Like El, this is Samuel’s first time in a new environment other than his Amish community, and his initial reaction is one of quiet curiosity. While at 30th Street Station in Philadelphia, waiting for a late train, he ends up using the restroom and becomes an eyewitness to the murder of a detective that takes place there. Because Samuel saw the culprit of the crime while hiding in one of the stalls, Samuel and his mother are forced to cooperate with a police detective named John Book (played by Harrison Ford) in helping to track down the killer. When El points to Will in the science photograph next to Mike’s trophies, this is a direct homage to the scene when Samuel points to a photograph of Lieutenant James McFee, indicating to Book that McFee is the murderer.

In both scenarios, what follows is the untangling of a massive conspiracy: In Witness, it centers around police corruption and illegal drug dealings. In Stranger Things, it’s centered around government corruption and the Upside Down. The big difference is that while Samuel is still present in Witness, the movie shifts focus to John Book as the main character, especially when he’s targeted by corrupt cops and forced to go on the run and hide within the Amish community to protect himself, Rachel, and Samuel. Meanwhile, El remains central as a character, and ironically enough is the one working to protect Mike, Dustin, and Lucas from Brenner and the Demogorgon while hiding among them.

Speaking of Brenner (who has physical similarities to Chief Paul Schaeffer, the main antagonist of Witness, as well similar personality traits of demanding loyalty from his men without feeling obligated to return it), his reaction towards Will’s disappearance and finding the ooze in the shed at the Byers house takes on a whole different context after having seen The First Shadow (or Season 4 for that matter). The play reveals that, as far back as the 1940s, Brenner was aware of the Upside Down. Granted, he hadn’t actually seen the dimension with his own eyes. The most information he got was from his own dying father (who was a part of the fateful Philadelphia Experiment in 1943) and maybe even Henry/One/Vecna (depending on what kind of information Henry willingly or unwillingly provided to Brenner). In any case, his lack of surprise over Joyce’s phone call to Flo about Will and some kind of animal on the other end indicates he knew Will was in the Upside Down and was being hunted. Not that Brenner truly cared about Will in the grand scheme of things.

In regards to Will, for those who are interested in what exactly happened in the end scene with Joyce and the lights flickering and the recorder playing “Should I Stay Or Should I Go,” this is how things looked like from his perspective in the comic The Other Side:

The show already implied this is what was going on, with Will hiding and the Demogorgon chasing him, but it helps give more context to why the Demogorgon temporarily turned its attention to Joyce and stopped pursuing Will.

I am curious about the Demogorgon’s decision not to go after Joyce despite trying to tear through the wall: Was it just trying to scare her away in the moment, or did Joyce manage to outrun it quick enough that it went back into the Upside Down because it decided she wasn’t worth it? Is this even the same Demogorgon that would later attack Barbara, or was that a different one considering the distance between the Byers House and Steve’s House?

Speaking of which, let’s talk more about the Byers family, including Lonnie and Hopper:

Part 2: The Byers, Lonnie, and Hopper

I forgot about the tense exchange between Joyce and Hopper in this episode. Her insisting that it was Will’s voice on the other end of the phone and, when Hopper remains skeptical, bringing up how she’d recognize Will's breathing the same way Hopper would recognize his daughter’s breathing. To her credit, she does regret that and realizes how low of a blow that is, and Hopper, despite being hurt, doesn’t take his anger out on her, and recognizes her outburst as coming from stress and frustration over her son’s disappearance rather than vindictiveness. Add in how these two have history with one another (especially from their interactions in The First Shadow when they were attending high school and were already starting to realize they were attracted to one another) and there’s a lot both Joyce and Hopper are willing to overlook when it comes to each other’s flaws.

Hopper’s depression is hard to watch. I’ve never had a kid, and I have no intention of having one either (especially with the way our world has gone), but I understand what it’s like to be in that kind of mental state between wanting to care and yet being so beaten down by life and what it has taken from you that it’s hard not to slip into apathy.  Compared to his time in New York City, where Sara was still alive, his wife was married to him, and he felt rejuvenated with a purpose, Hopper in the beginning of this show is directionless, burying himself in booze, drugs, and women, all while putting in the bare minimum into his 4 years as chief of police. Then, after Joyce's son disappears, and his best friend Benny is murdered while it's staged to look like a suicide, Hopper is forced to realize he still cares, and no amount of drowning himself is going to change that. As he bitterly notes to the woman he’s sleeping with:

BTW, note how he never references the last time a person got murdered in Hawkins. That was a clever way for the Duffer Brothers to later lay the groundwork for the Creel murders in 1959. As depicted in The First Shadow, Hopper saw the bodies of Virginia and Alice Creel around the time the police arrested Victor for their deaths.

I will go more in detail about Joyce’s arc as it develops this season, but there is one comparison that is relevant to this episode: Her similarities to Florence “Rusty” Tullis from the 1985 film Mask, which is based on the real-life story of Rocky Dennis. The Duffer Brothers have cited the movie as an inspiration for how they wrote Joyce’s character, as well as how Joyce’s costumes were designed. Both women are single mothers working to provide for their sons, both of them have sons who deal with mistreatment because of their physical appearance (Will because of his clothes and Rocky because of his Craniodiaphyseal dysplasia (CDD)), both of them are overworked and stressed and turn to drugs (Joyce’s chainsmoking in this episode and Rusty’s addictions, which becomes a source of conflict between her and Rocky), both of them worry constantly about the well-being of their sons, and both of them are perceived as being “unstable” when in fact they are fiercely determined and would go through hell to keep their sons alive and safe. In Joyce’s case, that involves going back inside her house at the end of this episode to keep in contact with Will despite a monster lurking within her walls.

On the other side of the parenting spectrum is Lonnie Byers, and his establishing character moment tells us everything: He’s dating a woman half his age (though Cynthia doesn’t appear to be a teenager as Joyce implied in the previous episode), his first appearance is shoving Jonathan into a wall before making a half-assed introduction between Jonathan and Cynthia and makes a pretense of trying to hug Jonathan despite Jonathan not wanting him to.

Then there’s Jonathan looking for Will throughout Lonnie’s house, including in the trunk of Lonnie's car:

Just this scene alone makes me question what kind of child custody dispute went on between Joyce and Lonnie during their divorce, and if Lonnie at one point took Will without Joyce’s permission. I can buy he’d do it for financial reasons (and we’ll see that aspect rear its ugly head when he later comes to exploit Will’s funeral and file a lawsuit to get money to cover his debts) but other than that, he just comes off as a lazy bum who wants nothing to do with his sons. Makes me question why on earth he even wanted kids with Joyce in the first place.

I talked about this in my review of The First Shadow, but Lonnie in this episode pretty much is the same as he was in the play: He’s lazy, he has no desire to make anything of his life, he’s costing off other people, and he’s a douchebag. The only difference is instead of being a teenager, he’s a grown-ass adult well into his 40s, and a deadbeat father on top of that. I know a lot of people hate Lonnie (and rightfully so), but the most I can muster for him is contempt as opposed to the burning hatred I have for characters like Angela.

Jonathan is a mixed bag in this episode. On the one hand, his love and devotion to his brother is on full display, and it’s a combination of sweet and sad given the circumstances. His interaction with Nancy at the school and her giving genuine condolences to him over Will’s disappearance was a highlight (and was when I started to care about Nancy the first time I watched the show), as well as the flashback to his conversation with Will and the playlist he introduces to him.

One of those bands he recommends btw is The Smiths, and one of their songs, “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now,” has been used in the marketing for season 5, specifically in reference to Jonathan:

I’m sure plenty of fans have already made speculations, but all I can say is I hope this doesn’t foreshadow something bad happening to Jonathan because…………YIKES!! “Why do I give valuable time to people who don’t care if I live or die?” I’m not really surprised that Jonathan has depression and self-confidence issues, partly because of his parents’ failed marriage, his worries about becoming like his father, and being an outcast, but if his perception is that people don’t care, he is DEAD WRONG. And I’m not just talking about his family when I say this.

In any case, his attempts to boost Will’s self-confidence despite struggles with his own, and to encourage Will to chart his own course regarding things Will likes vs what other people tell him he should like, is one of the best moments in the show, and a life lesson that needs more applicability (especially when it comes to fandom culture).

The part where Jonathan loses me is towards the end of the episode. You all know what I’m talking about: The photographs he takes of Steve’s pool party.

First off, I want to make clear that, in spite of what he did, this wasn’t a deal-breaker for me in terms of liking his character. Yes, I agree it was creepy and wrong to take the pictures without the others knowledge or consent, and to his credit, he does acknowledge later that he shouldn’t have done it. The only good thing that came out of that was inadvertently capturing the Demogorgon on the picture he took of Barbara at the pool, but that in no way excuses the other photos he took. Contrary to what my time on Tumblr may suggest, I’m a private person, and I’m someone who does NOT like having pictures taken of me without my permission. I also imagine plenty of other people feel the same way, and I get why some fans were upset by this scene. It doesn’t help that the screenplay contains this tidbit regarding Jonathan’s motivations:

This does hearken forward to what Robin later tells Steve in season 3 about how outcasts like herself still desire to be popular and normal (which is specifically associated thematically in the show with being accepted). As much as Jonathan has embraced the identity of outcast, I don’t think it’s completely out-of-character for him to want that as well, especially if it’s tied to being accepted for who he is. At the same time though, out of all the ways he could have expressed that, this was the worst way to go about it. Again, the reason I don’t hold it against him is because of his apology to Nancy, similar to how Steve would later apologize to Nancy and Jonathan for his behavior, and Lucas would apologize to El for his. Characters start out in a flawed way and go through an evolution. That’s how it works.

Speaking of Steve and Nancy………..

Part 3: The Pool Party

We get our introduction of Tommy and Carol in this episode, and I completely forgot that the first thing Tommy does is stick his finger in Barbara’s ear to be a dick. Charming. 😒 And you have Carol being snide to both Nancy and Jonathan. Lovely. 🙄

They say you are judged by the company you keep, and they take that principle and run with it here with Steve. Whenever Tommy and Carol are around, we see a callous side to Steve fueled by those two’s toxicity, and it’s not pleasant. I even question how much of the Pool Party was his idea vs Tommy and Carol’s who wanted the excuse to party hard and shack up in Steve’s huge house. It reminds me of Risky Business when the Tom Cruise character, Joel Goodsen (whom Steve shares parallels with) has his parents leave for a trip, and he's put in charge of watching over the house, all while his friends pressure him to exploit the opportunity to party and have sex. The big difference is while Joel’s friends try to help him once the shenanigans go over the top, Tommy and Carol would have left Steve out to dry. The pool party was for their benefit as opposed to Steve’s.

Steve’s line about how his mom is traveling with his dad because she doesn’t trust him makes me question what goes on in Steve’s family. We’ve never seen Steve’s parents (they don’t appear in The First Shadow either), so we have very little information to go on, but that line alone makes me wonder how much his dad’s cheating has impacted Steve. It reminds me of the fractured relationship between Ted and Karen, where emotions get suppressed and it’s hard for anyone to say they “love" someone because that entire marriage is NOT running on love. In Nancy and Mike’s case, they act like this is the norm, and we will see how it impacts their relationships with Steve and El in the future. In Steve’s case, I wouldn’t be shocked if he picked up the womanizing aspect from his dad. As for why his mom would stay with his dad if he was cheating on him………..there’s an episode of Freaks and Geeks (a show that was a big inspiration for Stranger Things) where one of the main characters, Neal, finds out his dad (whom he’s looked up to in the past) has been cheating on his mom. Angry and betrayed, he publicly lashes out at his dad through mean-spirited jokes at his expense during a party, and later flees to his room in tears. When his mom later goes to visit Neal to comfort him, it’s revealed she is aware of her husband’s infidelity, but is working to keep the peace, noting that it’s a complicated situation for the both of them. Given that Steve's mom hasn't divorced his dad yet, it's possible their situation and how they're handling it could be similar to Neal's parents.

I remember there was a period prior to season 4 where there was this idea in the fandom that Steve had actively gone out of his way to bully others, including Jonathan. I agree that there were instances of him being self-absorbed and dickishly insensitive, but I never got the impression from watching the show or reading the supplementary materials that he actively went out of his way to make others lives a living hell the way Billy and Angela did. Tommy was certainly guilty of that on a constant basis (something the Eddie Munson prequel Flight of Icarus explores), but the two instances Steve was antagonistic towards Jonathan (i.e. the camera incident and when he thought Nancy had cheated on him with Jonathan) had more to do with specific circumstnaces rather than getting his kicks making other people miserable like Angela did with El. Otherwise, his entire attitude towards Jonathan seemed rooted in indifference.

Like I’ve said, it’s not great, and I’m not surprised there were multiple characters like Robin, Keith, and Eddie who referred to Steve as an asshole and a douchebag (because that's the image he projected), but this isn’t the same thing as active maliciousness. We even see Steve get uncomfortable with Tommy when he makes a nasty joke about Jonathan killing Will, and Steve tells him to shut up, indicating he finds that inappropriate and crossing a line.

Speaking of projecting an image…..we see plenty of that at the pool party, with Steve smoking (which I don’t think he does again at any other point in the show) and shotgunning beer cans to impress Nancy and the other partygoers (with the exception of Barbara). Even his answering the door for Nancy and Barbara in dramatic fashion while “Raise a Little Hell” by Trooper plays in the background is a cliché unto itself. However, it’s noteworthy Nancy doesn’t seem bothered by this, and the exchange between her and Steve in that moment makes it clear she knows he’s purposefully being a cliché, but finds it amusing, which is why Steve continues with it.

In fact, if we look at Nancy’s behavior in this episode, it comes off less like she’s throwing herself at Steve (as the Montauk script depicts) and more like she’s thought this through and decided this is what she wants. Apart for Barbara, Nancy doesn’t particularly care for what Tommy and Carol think of her. We got hints of that in her discussion with Barbara in the previous episode, and we see it in the scene where she talks with Jonathan in front of them despite their snide comments about him.

This is a big reason I strongly disagree with the idea Nancy’s interest in Steve has anything to do with wanting his approval (or Tommy and Carol’s approval for that matter) or even elevating her social status in high school. She certainly didn’t give a damn about what they were thinking of her in this moment with Jonathan, or how it would look to others to be interacting with the local outcast. She genuinely felt bad for what Jonathan was going through and wanted to offer some words of comfort.

On top of that, she’s seen Steve without Tommy and Carol by his side enough times to recognize he is a different person without them around. She has enough intuition to trust that, even if she’s still navigating the way this relationship is going, there are desirable qualities in Steve beyond his good looks (in contrast to the Montauk script where she barely knew him and was only going by his good looks and charm). So her making the decision to have sex with Steve comes off less like she’s operating under pressure and more like she’s made the decision that this is what she wants, even against Barbara’s protests.

Speaking of Barbara, I’ve never understood this idea the fandom has perpetrated about how Barbara was worried over being left behind by Nancy to join the popular crowd.

First of all, if Barbara really pegged Nancy as that superficial, there is no way she would have remained friends with Nancy for so long.

Second, the idea of Barbara being jealous of Nancy climbing the social ladder comes in direct contrast with how she acts at the pool party. Barbara makes it clear at the beginning that she’s only there for Nancy because Nancy asked her to be, and doesn’t make the effort to socialize with anyone else there, all the while looking disgusted with Tommy and Carol and unamused at Steve showing off. That does NOT translate to jealousy. That sounds like someone who doesn’t want to be in the same room with these people. The only reason she even makes an effort at shotgunning a beer can (and getting a deep cut on her thumb that attracts the Demogorgon's attention) is because Nancy pressured her into doing so. This was not done because she gave a damn about impressing Steve or Tommy or Carol.

Third, Barbara’s concern for Nancy wanting to have sex with Steve isn’t entirely invalid, and it sure as hell does NOT constitute slut-shaming like some fans have framed it as. Barbara knows that Tommy and Carol are toxic people, and the fact that they’re hanging around Steve doesn’t make Steve look good. While she is interested in Nancy’s relationship with Steve (as we saw in the previous episode) it’s natural for her as a friend to be worried about whether Nancy is rushing into this too quickly, especially because Barbara doesn’t know Steve very well and has no clue how Steve is going to treat her. As we see in later episodes, some of her concerns were valid and others were not.

I get everyone is entitled to their opinions, but sometimes I wonder how much of these takes from fans are rooted in projection and bad-faith interpretations. 😒

I should quickly talk about the sex scene between Steve and Nancy, and how it was changed from the Montauk script from being a rape scene to consenual. I am fine with this change for several reasons:

I have never been a fan of shows that use rape as a plot device to drive another character’s arc (especially a female character). I have seen plenty of shows that have done this where it ends up going horribly wrong in the writing process and comes off as gratuitous, as well as enforcing the idea that this kind of trauma is necessary for a person to stop being naïve and grow up. Just…………YUCK! 🤮

 When it comes to the subject of rape, there are plenty of shows out there that try to tackle this subject and either end up being extremely tone-deaf, or perpetrate the rape culture aspects they were trying to avoid. True Blood. Game of Thrones. 13 Reasons Why. General Hospital. The Umbrella Academy. Even The Boys wasn’t immune from this: Contrast the somber way Starlight’s assault from The Deep is depicted on that show to how Hughie’s sexual assault and rape at the hands of Ted Knight and the shapeshifter in season 4 is handled. That's also including how The Boys showrunner, Eric Kripke, admitted that Hughie's assault was intended to be played for black comedy. There are so many pitfalls with this subject matter that it would have reflected badly on the show if the Duffer Brothers had fallen into them. There’s also the question of whether the Duffer Brothers had any interest in actually depicting Nancy’s trauma over being raped in a thoughtful intelligent manner, or if was simply a means of driving Nancy into Jonathan’s arms while glossing over the ramifications of what happened to her.

As I stated in the previous episode, changing Steve’s character not only improved him, but also improved Nancy and Barbara by extension. Steve’s motivations for wanting a relationship with Nancy become more complex than simply wanting “another notch under his belt,” Nancy’s crush on Steve is a lot less shallow and more about seeing through the image he projects and wanting to get to know the real Steve Harrington, and Barbara has more of a personality here where she’s caught between wanting to support Nancy but also being wary of Nancy’s relationship with Steve and this new side to Nancy that she’s seeing. She also isn’t someone who abandons Nancy like in the Montauk script, but is reluctant to leave Nancy at Steve's house alone (and only does so at Nancy’s insistence), making it much more heartbreaking when she’s later dragged into the Upside Down.

Part 4: Song Choices

We get a nice selection of songs in this episode, including the one that would become the signature song for season 1 and for both Will and Jonathan: “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” by The Clash.

While The Clash has refused to assign meaning to the lyrics, especially in regards to whether those lyrics were in reference to events going on in the band at the time, my interpretation of the song is that it’s about someone in a relationship where they’re not sure if the other person wants them there, and is demanding a more direct answer about where they stand. “One day it’s fine and the next it’s black,” certainly gives the impression their relationship is tumultuous, and “this indecision is bugging me” makes it sound like both parties can’t agree on where to go from here. Ironically enough, it doesn't seem to apply at all to Jonathan and Will’s situation, where neither of them have been in a romantic relationship yet, and both brothers are supportive of one another in spite of their parents' messy divorce.

“Raise a Little Hell” by Trooper is played in the scene when Steve answers the door for Barabara and Nancy. Initially, the song seems to foreshadow that this is going to be a rumbustious party, but in comparison to the Montauk script, the party in this episode is tame. On top of that, the song itself really isn’t a party anthem, but a motivational one encouraging the listener to change their circumstances if they’re not happy about their situation and “raise a little hell” in the process. It's a big reason why it's been adopted as a sports anthem. Considering that Steve is an athlete himself, I'm not surprised he likes it.

“I Melt With You” by Modern English has always been a personal favorite of mine, and I was happy with its use in this episode. Despite being a dance song, the lyrics have a dark undertone to them, depicting two people falling in love as the world is coming to an end. It’s similar to Prince’s “1999” and R.E.M.’s “It’s the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)” where the singer has accepted the inevitability of their world being screwed, and is more content with living in the moment rather than worrying about what can’t be changed. In the context of this episode, with a group partying while (unbeknownst to them) the Upside Down is beginning to leak into Hawkins, and even claims one of the attendees later on (Barbara), the song is appropriate for that scene.

Finally, we have “Hazy Shade of Winter,” by The Bangles, which plays when Nancy and Steve have sex for the first time.

This was a remix of one of Simon and Garfunkel’s songs from the 60s, and while I like the original, I’m a bigger fan for The Bangles version. It has a very eerie tone to it, dealing with regret and the passage of time over the seasons as the singer lambasts about opportunities and hopes slipping away. It’s not exactly an uplifting song to be playing during what’s supposed to be a romantic moment, and given what happens to Barbara the same time Nancy is consummating her relationship with Steve, it’s dark foreshadowing for the guilt she’s going to be feeling later on over Barbara’s death.

Final Thoughts:

One more thing I wanted to mention before closing out this review is the poster of The Dark Crystal in Mike’s bedroom:

The Dark Crystal is a 1982 fantasy film set on a distant world that, while once green and fertile, has become desolate and corrupted due to a fracturing of the eponymous Crystal, which has created two different races: the Skeksis, who act as the tyrannical rulers of the planet, and the Mystics, who act in opposition to them. The main plot deals with a Gelfling named Jen who is tasked by the Mystics to retrieve the broken shard of the crystal and return it to the original source, thereby bringing balance and stability to their world. All the while, he’s brought into conflict with the Skeksis, who killed his parents in the past, and want to use the crystal for their own selfish desires.

Given Mike’s love for fantasy, I’m not surprised this is a favorite movie of his. However, I’m curious if the themes and story of that movie could have been used by the Duffer Brothers as inspiration for how they mapped out the Upside Down.

I remember having a theory back in season 3 that the Upside Down was once a prosperous world before the Mind Flayer showed up and turned it into its personal hellhole. While I still think that’s true to some extent, there’s also the question regarding why this dimension, which was depicted as a hellscape when Vecna arrived, and even before when the USS Eldridge was transported to it in 1943, suddenly replicated the exact image of Hawkins and the rest of Earth the night El opened the gate and Will disappeared: November 6th, 1983. This has been presented by season 4 and The First Shadow as an anomaly that hasn’t been explained yet, and could possibly have connections to Will’s disappearance.

In regards to how this ties back to The Dark Crystal, is it possible the Upside Down may have been “a green and fertile land” at one point, like the planet in said movie, before some catastrophic event happened that threw that world into chaos and desolation? Just like with the Skeksis, the Mind Flayer is taking advantage of the situation to impose its rule, but maybe that tyranny has been upset somehow by Will’s arrival, similar to how Jen’s quest in the movie threatens the Skeksis’s hold on power. There’s also how the Skeksis are responsible for the creation of the Garthim, which involved using the dark crystal to splice different species together and turning the resulting creatures into their personal attack dogs, as well as creating crystal bats which act as their spies in the sky. Likewise, it's possible that the Mind Flayer, through its own power, may have been responsible for twisting, or even creating, the inhabitants of the Upside Down to become Demogorgons, Demobats, and other hideous monsters that serve it.

The only difference I see has to do with how the main antagonists are dealt with:

In the movie, there’s an established connection between the Skeksis and the Mystics, where the death of one results in the death of the other they are connected to. Skeksis are essentially the worst aspects of their former counterparts, the urSkeks, in contrast to the Mystics which represent their positive aspects. They are one being split into two extreme animated personalities. As the movie reveals, the solution isn’t killing the Skeksis, but healing the crystal to allow the two parts to reunite.

In the show, they have not introduced a positive counterpart to the Mind Flayer (at least not yet), and since the Mind Flayer is interconnected with every part of the Upside Down (including Vecna), there’s a real chance its permanent destruction would result in the total annihilation of the Upside Down (similar to how Sauron’s downfall led to the destruction of Mordor in Lord of the Rings). While they could go this route in season 5, the names for the last two episodes (i.e. “The Bridge” and “The Rightside Up”) imply that dealing with the Mind Flayer and the Upside Down is more centered on fixing something that’s broken between the two worlds, similar to fixing the crystal in the movie, which could be the key to permanently defeating the Mind Flayer instead. Just like with Jen, that could be Will’s role in this story for season 5.

And to officially close out this review, this is what I ended up getting for my birthday! 🥰

[bizlybebo]

if you’re scared if you’re angry if you’re sad you have to stay alive. i love you

[shmorp-mcdurgen]

No I will never stop doodling various Gman variations

[artemismoorea03]

DPxDC Prompt: The Child Who Was King

(For anybody who has read my DPxDC fics you might know that I'm a huge fan of the "Unaging Danny" headcanon and this was directly inspired by that)

------

The team has already heard about Phantom in one way or another. Yes, the tyrant "Pariah Dark" had his name mentioned in some places but it was called the "Phantom Zone" for a reason. "Phantom Zone", "Land of the Dead", "Underworld", "Limbo" and countless other names are listed and describe the same place.

It also describes a King be it vicious or kind, old or young, a threat or a peace keeper. The stories are so varied that it's impossible for the League to know who to expect when they receive a mysterious sticky note which falls from the sky during the meeting.

Soon.

The entire League is on edge, not knowing what to think until some members (Zatana and Constantine) recognize the symbol on the paperwork from ancient texts. The Symbol of the God of Time. Zatana says that Time works close with the King of Death and is send to bend at his will and often sends warning messages like this to alert those who are required to know. While Constantine just wants to leave before things get to be any more of a headache.

Days turn into weeks.

Weeks into months.

Most of the team thinks it was a mistake but one member of the team stays particularly on edge because the paper fell in front of them specifically. It isn't until they're on patrol in their area that another note appears with an address and a time and when they arrive in the area they make it just in time for a green portal to open and somebody to fall out of it.

They react, years of training tell them to catch the figure and when they do they discover a child no older than 14 under weight, pale with black hair and blue eyes, bruises covering them. They're breathing heavily as the kid leans against the heroes chest fearfully, the cape seeming much larger than them.

The hero doesn't know what to think when one final note appears.

Due to reasons which can not yet be discussed King Phantom is not safe in the Land of the Dead, you are here by entrusted with his protection. If you fail all will be lost.

[bumblingbabooshka]

Do you think Kes' ability to pick up on things so quickly is linked to her being an Ocampa? Like, since she's 2~ years old in canon (and has distinct memories of her father) I imagine her species doesn't spend much time as children and I wouldn't imagine they'd have formal schools (like entire buildings for schooling) and would instead learn from like, primarily parents or other elders. In that case learning things very quickly would be extremely beneficial for their survival. Kes: Oh yes, childhood...what a lovely few days~ Kes was a baby like for a day and then the next day she was up and ready to learn. Kes meets Naomi and every day that passes she becomes more and more amazed that she's still a baby. Wow! It's been like two months and she still can't do anything?? The doctor told her it was normal but wow. What I'm saying is they should have had Kes as a jack-of-all-trades character who could slide into pretty much any of the teams on Voyager. The Doc misses her when she's not in sickbay though!

[jovenshires]

it's the 'i would die by your hands,' spencer is peeta, spommy of it all. a hunger games au would break me

YEAH. YEAH YEAH YEAH. like. 'if i am going to die it will be you i turn to. i will lay my head on the chopping block and hand you the axe. in my very last moments i will come home to you. if i am going to die - and i am, it is my time - i am yours to take.'

.......... well i think i simply must write it tommy bowe rotted my brain today

[butchsophiewalten]

Man this is so random but this theory is stuck in my head and I wanna see how other people feel about it because I don't see people talk about it a lot (I have no clue if the link will go through properly since I've never put a link in a ask box)

https://www.tumblr.com/art-w0rm/667910993425350656/theory-time

Oh god not this theory again. I really truly try not to be mean to people for no good reason on this blog, but this theory is literally one of the stupidest fucking things I've ever seen in my entire life. I don't talk about this theory because to me it's like the walten files theory equivalent of that tubby custard mechanically separated chicken post.

Most of the time I genuinely don't even consider it worthy of my time, because it's nonsense, but this is a very nicely worded ask, and I really don't mean to dedicate any of the vitriol I hold towards this theory to You, poor anonymous person, so I will deconstruct it. I will go through the theory point-by-point and deconstruct why I disagree with it.

First up, this:

Showbear is not a character in The Walten Files anymore. Showbear was fully retconned and is never going to appear in the series again. He was effectively just a cameo of ThunderingStatic's (one of Martin's friends) OC, but when The Walten Files blew up and people started assuming Showbear was Martin's character, Static decided to withdraw his character from the series and focus putting him in other projects.

Martin talked about this on Twitter forever ago, but I wouldn't be able to find that tweet now. But here's a bit from the interview he did with KnowYourMeme back in 2021 where he talks about it:

Now this:

This is just stupid to me? Like a complete logical incongruity? I barely even know how describe what is dumb about this because I can't even fathom how anyone draws this conclusion from this information. How is it strange for a man to say 'if my wife isn't home by the time she said she was going to be, let me know, in case something happened.'????? Why would Rosemary be out cheating on her husband with her fucking daughter with her??? If Rosemary was cheating on her husband why would her whole life collapse when he went missing? If Rosemary was cheating on her husband why would she show up at the restaurant every day after he disappeared asking if anyone had seen him and hoping to find him alive??? Why would she make paintings of herself and him together after he disappeared????? What the fuck are you talking about?

Ok now this:

Whatever. This is maybe the most coherent part of the theory, to me. I definitely agree that Sha evokes a 'wolf in sheep's clothing' sort of aesthetic, but I do remember Martin saying something in a Twitter Q&A at one point about how that wasn't actually intentional, and that Bon was the character he actually meant to seem unusually predatory. I looked for a while and couldn't find a screenshot of that, but I did find this one where he says the thing about Bon:

So whatever. take that with a grain of salt.

I don't even know what to say. here. Whatever. sure she was rolling in the hay

yeah Rosemary is asking if she's still beautiful because she cheated on her husband and not because she was chopped up and stuffed inside a big animatronic sheep. I think this is correct and is the True Deep Lore.of the walten files. I'm sure this doesn't have anything to do with the recurring motif of the double-meaning behind the word Beautiful either.

I don't know why it's weird that the lost lingering spirit of a mother would be calling out to her only living child. I Don't know why that needs additional explanation involving this batshit infidelity conspiracy theory.

Sha's chest is also ripped out

So is Banny's, honestly? Just a little less?

ok now this:

I guess I can't disprove this except that I think this is dumb. I think this is a really incredibly stupid logical leap to make. Y'know I really meant to go into this levelheadedly and very calmly go through every point and talk about why I think it's Decisively Disagreeable or whatever but I can't. I really can't. I just cannot keep my patience with this sort of thing.

You'd think if there was an infidelity aspect here it would've been lampshaded in some respect, at all, in the old /sophiewalten findjackwalten page text. Where it's literally Sophie talking to Jenny about what she remembers about her family.

Especially if the idea is that Sophie is meant to have been there. You'd think something like that would have come up here. Not 'she was nice and a good mom until my dad disappeared and her mental health started getting worse'

[j-esbian]

i lost the post but i saw someone talking about how some of y’all act like being weird is a choice and like. YEAHHHHHHH.

that’s fine, it might be for you. but i just live like this and don’t know any other way. like yeah i’ve worked customer service, i can do innocuous small talk, but anything beyond that, i don’t understand what i’m missing. and it’s frustrating to see the tonal disconnect especially from people who are like “uwu embrace weirdness!!” where they’re like. dressing quirky and talking about bugs and listening to obscure music and eschewing small talk to ask Deep Questions on the first date and unlearning their tendency to not infodump. and generally have an idea of what Weirdness is supposed to look like. idk man some of us wake up and get out of bed and can’t figure out why the rest of their coworkers chitchat with each other but when they join the conversation it dies.

weirdness is value neutral. let’s stop trying to turn it into a badge because quite frankly, it’s not a choice for everyone. it’s fucking exhausting to never be on the same wavelength as other people and they’re going to react the way they do and label you the way they will without any conscious actions on your end. it’s difficult to talk about this without feeling like you’ll be dismissed as immature, a teenager whining “no one understands me” but the thing is. sometimes you don’t grow out of feeling alone and different, and there’s no good way to talk about it without feeling like people will think you’re just fishing for pity.

[definitelynotnia]

im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed

my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.

and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.

anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,

I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me

im going by metro which is quite safe

im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18

she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)

anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm

so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?

anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".

and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.

[cosmicrhetoric]

sorry it's just getting crazier and crazier than im unironically telling people that this is one of the best pieces of media ive consumed in my entire life. and im talking about this guy

[quirkle2]

I was wondering if there are any rare happy ritsu moments in ur zombie au since hes always miserable I think,, like is he always miserable or is he happy/not miserable and feeling kinda good sometimes?

VWHDGDGD NO YEAH OFC HE'S HAPPY SOMETIMES im just horrible and enjoy putting him through misery

ive never been able to get a genuine smile to look right on his face in my art style either i think thats part of it. as ive said his face is just built to be mildly uncomfortable and bothered and i lean into it sm it's starting to get kinda funny

but yes ritsu is happy plenty! i think, canonically, he just seems like the type of person to me that tends to turn lemonade back into lemons. he's easy to scare and his first reaction to things is often Dread and Anxiety. he dwells on the negatives a lot and seems to be a "hope for the best, expect the worst," kinda guy, but there's a section in this post abt shigeo always loving the little things in life, and ritsu steadily learns throughout the journey on how to do that and how healing it can rly be. even if he had to grow up too fast during this whole thing and learn things a kid should never have to, the journey also gave him some good insight and lessons in other places! ritsu is smart, he figures it all out

in terms of little things here n there he's the happiest lil guy on the planet when he finds one of his favorite foods—swings his legs while he sits and munches on a kitkat bar like he's got absolutely nothin in the world to worry abt. sometimes mob does smth funny that he laughs at; for the longest time i've had this silly image in my head of mob accidentally knocking down a bucket from a store shelf and it lands on his head and he just kinda stands there and makes noises.when the noises continue out of pure curiosity about the weird echoey quality it's giving them ritsu cannot help but lose it

besides tiny things tho, when tome comes around ritsu in general is a lot happier, just cuz he has somebody to talk to that will actually respond in some way. they're sorta reluctant partners in crime at first (at least on ritsu's end) but over time and over bonding they grow to rly like each other's presence. they bicker constantly but it's almost always fond eventually, and they shove each other and playfight until mob gets antsy enough to get worked up about it. rly, tome is a godsend to ritsu's mental health—after months and months of being effectively alone with his thoughts, he finally has another person to converse with. a person His Age, too!

tome is rly good at knowing when ritsu is thinkin himself into oblivion and she's Also rly good at being the most annoying girl on the planet to yank him outta that and replace any misery with Oh My God Get Off Me You Freak. she doesn't even do this on purpose at first, but over time she learns how to tell when he's thinking too hard and, ofc, she's grown attached and she cares, so she's as obnoxious as possible to lighten the mood

when they find reigen n teru, ritsu gradually gets Much happier still. now that he knows they're safe and the gang is finally back together (and now that there's an Adult present and he can relax a lil and let himself be taken care of) his stress levels r exponentially lowered. having teru back is another instant lift to his mood—im always a big fan of teru and ritsu friendship, and i think adding tome to their dynamic simply makes it more chaotic. truly a trio of the 3 most normal teenagers in existence which will surely bring nothing but good (reigen sweats offscreen)

actually this makes me feel bad for forever torturing him im gonna go draw happy zau ritsus brb ,.,.ok imback <3