#sorry i am under the influence!!!!
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ap0stle · 1 year ago
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i feel like. so fucking annoying sometimes bc i will be like. "mann i understand outlast sooo much and everyone is soo dumb about it" and like im not. completely wrong. per se. at least on tumblr because everyone is fucking stupid on tumblr bc everyone is a horny 17 year old girl with zero reading comprehension but like. godd i wish i could find the right balance. u know. like im not stupid in the "waylon park is a twink" way but im not smart enough for super in depth discussions about the political, scientific and cultural stuff discussed sometimes on the subreddit or in the discord server. like i think that stuff is a little more appealing to me, but im also just. totally capable of being just as shallow as the first bitch and caring far too deeply about protagonists that we will probably never hear from again and whose stories are not the main point of outlast.
like i am so obsessed with outlast 2 and blake and his whole story. to an extent where i feel like it seems as though im missing the point in some ways, like. "why do you care so much about this guy and his life when the point is murkoff, the point is that religion is an excellent tool for dispensing 'justified' abuse and obtaining control etc etc (also literally just more murkoff wacky science)" and its like shut uppp i know!! i know the big picture! i care about it!! but i also care stupidly hard about this one guy whose backstory we still dont know a lot of, because the point isnt to get to know blake, its to get to further know murkoff through blake, and then throw him away. and i just cant!! do that!! i want to know how he got to where he is, i want to know him inside and out, i want inside his head!!!! (and yeah it would be stellar to know more of the prev protags as well lol)
but like. where am i. hello?? its outlast. my (admittedly narrow) experiences within the fandom exist in two extremes and they are seeing essentially cattle who miss the game's point completely, and people who are wayy smarter than i am who get the point and the point is what they care about. and dgmw im kinda talking out my ass rn, i have met more people in between than not, but when they lose interest in outlast i literally do not know how to find more people like them because i open up any avenue for community and am met with the aforementioned two extremes. like. how do i just... pick through and find people who understand it Like Me and care about it Like Me. i am just out here thinking so hard abt it all the time. like hello hi im here. im here!!!! im not one of them!!!!! take me!!!!!
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fabdante · 2 months ago
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"while under the influence of Wuthering Heights" that's really a real phenomena huh like that's a real thing that just happens to you after you read wuthering heights
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angels-archival-office · 1 year ago
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✧ — subsystem names for a ren fictive ; with themes of royalty, winter, acting, wolves, and dogs
[for: anon]
below the cut
✧ monarch subsystem
✧ kingship subsystem
✧ eminence subsystem
✧ snowdrift subsystem
✧ cold snap subsystem
✧ theatrics subsystem
✧ masquerade subsystem
✧ canine subsystem
✧ canis lupus subsystem
‧₊˚⊹ — “subsystem” can be exchanged for “system”, “collective”, ect.
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itspileofgoodthings · 8 months ago
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I give my grad speech in a week, have been writing a million versions of what I want to say in my head all year, talked to my mom last night, boy did she separate the wheat from the chaff.
#teaching tag#allskskskksksjsjs my mom one of the only people in the world who knows me and appreciates me but is not under the influence of my charm#even a little bit#skksksksksjsj actually my whole family is like this. which is a GIFT. and also something that can be so hard for me skskkdjdjdjdjdjjd#truly my most ruthless critics#but I wanted to cut things down in my own mind to the truest and most bare essentials#and that’s why I asked my mom! because I wanna get the core straightened out#will it end up being slightly more joke-y and vulnerable than she would like? yeah. but I am not my mom and cannot live as if I were#anyway have I thought too much about this speech? 100%. and wildly overestimated its actual importance#which is pretty small. so I have a week to wrangle myself back in line#idk i know it’s a good thing—the wave of excitement I can create#and I’ve had many people tell me they’re so looking forward to it etc.#but with it also comes a lot of pressure. a lot of pressure to be funny and to be charming#my own instinctive desire to fly too close to the sun and to take everybody on a ridiculous journey#but I want to go back to the core. especially in my teaching#it feels extremely important to me#anyway. what I need to do is let this go. and pray. and stop having a huge ego etc.#but it’s very hard because I am a self-obsessed narcissist who LOVES the sound of her own voice#I am also exhausted and have a lot of teaching/grading to do in the next week#sorry just processing thank you for listening
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thepastneverforgets · 9 months ago
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buck's bi. and eddie's.... a cheating straight man who's regressed back to obsessing over the idea of giving his son a mother figure in life??? l o l
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poems-of-a-lover · 1 year ago
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i will never understand the "stop casting straight actors as gay characters" argument. people just wanna out gay actors so they can have a better grasp on who to hate.
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fairybluedreams · 2 years ago
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Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Hi y'all! Here is my finals campaign on why you should vote for Nani Pelekai in the @eldest-sibling-tournament today!!
Edited to add***
Poll just dropped vote Nani today!
https://www.tumblr.com/eldest-sibling-tournament/712608371217481728/eldest-sister-tournament-final-round
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wlw-cryptid · 1 year ago
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related to the posts on your butch gently assisting with your personal grooming at the end of the day................there's a criminal minds episode (yes i know etc.) about a skilled seamstress and carer whose abuse and trauma somehow lead her to abduct and drug beautiful women so she can carefully dress them up and have tea parties. i have watched it a totally normal number of times hahaha
My mom was Obsessed w criminal minds for like a few years so im pretty sure ive seen every episode in my peripheral vision twice over. i know the exact one youre talking about . Drugging and abduction are very much not. what i was shooting for. i was kind of very focused on a realistic romantic fantasy full stop. your mind is great and i promise youre fine but intox kink, especially forced intox kink, dollification, and just. generally "forced to be [disabled, basically]" vibes are things i want nothing to do with so i dont really. know how to respond to this other than saying that.
in any case keep it up soldier i wish you fun sexy fantasies 👍
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one-winged-dreams · 1 year ago
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You guys have to forgive me for the random bullshit unrelated gay posts, i took my sleep pills like 10 minutes ago
i found a bunch of blorbo gifs on Pinterest and then i was obsessively taken over by the need to find that fucking terra with brown eyes post. i don't even know if that was the original one, it's been years. i don't care i just need brown-eyes terra in my life.
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donghoonie-3 · 1 year ago
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He doesn't remember anything that happened 😭
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undermattsun · 2 years ago
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high thoughts r skate rat thoughts
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explode-this · 3 months ago
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.
#to that one person on the discord#are you an oversharer by nature or is this a side-effect of years of 12 step meetings?#seriously it’s okay to keep some of your thoughts on the inside#not every sentence has to start with some qualifier about having been in recovery a long time#or about your personal experiences with the law#we know you’ve said it about a bajillion times by now#and like i get it#those are big important things for you that inform how you see the world and interpret text/movies#but not every movie or book or tangential aside must relate back to your ‘sober time’ or your multiple felonies#it’s okay to skedaddle from a group chat without dropping in something about getting up early for a meeting#that whole thing about not wanting to be judged for addiction or things done under the influence falls flat#when you won’t shut the fuck up about it#none of us are judging you! which might make you feel freer to keep talking about it#and I’m glad you’re comfy#but some of us are increasingly not comfy with how much ✨recovery✨ talk we must endure#it’s clear to me that a lot of people sub in the 12 step lifestyle for the thing they no longer want to be doing#which sort of shows that the nature of ‘addiction’ is first and foremost behavioral#because you could sub in anything. a woman i knew in al-anon was like#’sorry i haven’t been to meetings a lot but i discovered tae kwon do and it’s been taking up my time’#she also added that it felt like getting a new hobby felt like it was doing more for her than sitting around talking about problems#and she’s right#that’s around the time i got right into my movie project and started giving myself other shit to do and i felt SO. MUCH. BETTER.#going to a meeting every day of the week was… not good for my mental health#but finding things to do that both entertained and taught me stuff about writing/storytelling? oh yeah#that was the balm my soul needed#i am discovering more and more that life is about balance#and you can’t find that balance if your attempt to ditch the demons of discontent means bringing them with you everywhere#leave them at home and enjoy the movie without telling us about your every crime#this is not a confessional it’s a movie discord#come on man
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angels-archival-office · 1 year ago
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hi! could i perhaps request a playlist for a dsmp!technoblade kin? featuring homely/vaguely feminine vibes and including something that could be interpreted as a positive relationship w syndicate niki? no worries if not :]
✧ — c!technoblade kin playlist ; with homely / vaguely feminine vibes, and what could be interpreted as a positive relation with niki
✧ A Good Song Never Dies - Saint Motel
✧ mother tongue - liana flores
✧ I Think I Like When It Rains - WILLIS
✧ Her and Her Friend - TV Girl
✧ Mrs Magic - Strawberry Guy
✧ Locket - Crumb
✧ Homage - Mild High Club
✧ Pleaser - Wallows
✧ Hey, Kid! - Phoneboy
✧ Get to You - Ricky Montgomery & The Honeysticks
✧ Sweet Tooth - Cavetown
✧ Stay Soft - Mitski
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drdemonprince · 1 month ago
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The conversations about accountability & apologies that we've been having in social justice circles these last few years have basically trained everybody to fawn.
We've been telling people that if they are accused of any wrongdoing or of hurting anybody's feelings, it is their obligation to apologize immediately, and never to hedge, disagree, or to explain their rationale what they've done.
In their apology, we expect them to articulate every single thing that they have done that was damaging in the strongest language possible and to declare outright that they have harmed someone, often multiple groups of people, even if they are not sure of the impact (or could not even possibly be sure).
If a person's apology is anything but immediate and entirely self-excoriating, we accuse the person of downplaying the damage they have done, failing to be accountable, and manipulating others.
In this way, we've made it impossible for a person to ever take their own side lest that be taken itself as a form of wrongdoing. We have trained our fellow social-justice-minded people to believe that if they do anything but worsen the case against themselves, they are being irresponsible.
I say we, in all of this, because I have partaken in all of this rhetoric, made these kinds of criticism, given accused people this type of advice.
And I have followed it myself, often to a damaging effect.
I have taken responsibility for problems in which I truly did not believe I played a part, I've overstated the damage that I've done so as not to risk understating it, I've ascribed malice to my intentions when I knew it wasn't there, I've agreed with people's most negative, bad-faith narratives about conflicts involving me that they were not even present for, offered up information about myself that was not a third party's business in the name of transparency, apologized for things I haven't done -- and in doing all of this, I have denied my loved ones the opportunity to really hear me about what I was going through and my motivations when I was in conflict with them, things that any true friend or close associate would obviously want to hear about if they cared about me.
This aim of giving the perfect apology and taking perfect accountability has been nothing but an isolating force in my life, because it has barred me from openly entering into necessary conflict with people when our needs were incompatible or they had hurt me just as much as I'd hurt them. The fear of being a manipulative, unaccountable DARVO-er has led me to roll onto my back and expose my belly, falling over myself with panicked apologies and the most unflattering information possible cast in the least explicable light, almost outright begging for others to become angrier at me and believing that it was only way I could ever possibly be accepted back.
We've drilled into people that the way to be good and responsible is to allow people to view us as negatively as possible, to even arm others with information that will confirm that point of view, and to never insert our own perspective or needs on the matter at all.
And yeah, there are a lot of shitty people out there who dodge accountability easily because their power ensconces them from any consequences. but the primary problem with that was never that they wrote a shitty notesapp apology that used the unforgivable phrase "I am sorry if you felt XYZ." The real problem was that there was no community that held enough influence to hold them to account, and for their victims there weren't ever adequate supports or protections.
instead of addressing any of that in a remotely systematic way, we have taken to picking apart every accused person's every word and deed for evidence of inner moral failure and created a culture in which we think we can determine a person's safety by how artfully they put words together when they are under threat. and what do you know, plenty of bad faith actors and conflict avoidant cowards and people who just dont understand what they are even being accused of can do that just fine.
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lymtw · 8 months ago
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A Perfect Night For Wine
Toji invites you over with a simple text of:
You busy tonight, doll?
To which you respond with:
I don't think so... Not that I know of. Why?
He laughs through his nose when he reads your message. Even the way you text him has your timidness imbued into it. It's precious.
Come spend the night at my place. You told me you're off tomorrow, right?
I am, but are you sure? Driving home is not a problem for me. I can hang out and go home after.
You're staying. I wanna try something with you and it requires you to stay the night. You can't go home.
Oh okay! I'll be there in 10.
Drive safe.
Toji likes that you're very precise about the time you'll be arriving somewhere, and if you're ever late when it comes to spending time with him, you apologize profusely, nonstop. You won't stop blubbering about why you're late and how sorry you are for making him wait, even after Toji's expressed that he's more than understanding. He's the king of showing up late to plans, so he can't be a hypocrite and scold you when you don't do it often at all.
You're so sorry, though, and you don't shut up about it until he makes you shut up with a kiss. You're helpless, and you can't for the life of you figure out where to put your hands when you're so focused on the grip he had on your waist to pull you up against him.
He releases your lips, cracking a grin at the look of wonder on your face. He can't deny the pride that swells in his chest at his ability to disarm you and prevent you from having a total meltdown over a three minute delay.
Toji has gotten so much better at handling situations like these with you. It's only fair for him to gain satisfaction out of making you feel better. After all, you are a first for him. You're emotionally fragile, you're a nervous wreck, and your voice competes with the wind just to be heard. Toji doesn't set aside the fact that you're also beautiful, warmhearted, and you try for him. He sees your attempts to be affectionate. You'll slowly reach your hand out to hold his and then bail the second he catches you. He ends up having to interlock his fingers with yours because your embarrassment doesn't allow you to try again. He still appreciates that you leave your comfort zone for him and allow him to guide you towards new experiences.
"Stop with the guilty feelings, ma. We have all night and all day tomorrow. What's a couple minutes to ensure you get to me in one piece?" He says, comforting your droopy self. You look like a sad, abandoned puppy, now sporting rosy cheeks from his surprising gesture.
"Okay," you say, feeling a little more at ease. "What did you have in mind for tonight?"
"Follow me," he says, leading you through his living room to his kitchen. He pulls out a stool for you and points at it. "Sit." You want to laugh at the way he says it like he's teaching commands to a dog, but you know he doesn't mean it that way, so you obediently sit down like one anyway.
"Have you eaten anything?" He asks, silently hoping you have because he doesn't have anything to make you dinner. He would have to order in or pick something up.
"I ate a couple hours ago. Still pretty full," you respond, watching him reach up for something in his cabinets. There's now a tall glass bottle with a red label and matching cap sitting on the counter.
"How 'bout it?" He says, a large hand wrapped around the neck of the bottle. "We could go to the couch and watch a movie or something."
He's never seen you under the influence of anything, but based on your reaction, maybe he'll get a show tonight. He's always wanted to know what you would be like if you were more extroverted and outspoken. There's nothing wrong with the way you are, but if things keep going the way they're going between you and Toji, he's bound to meet your chatty alter ego at some point in the future. What better way to have this experience than in a secure place with someone who can handle their alcohol and take care of you if it turns out that you can't.
"Okay, sure." You giggle, excitedly.
You're a lightweight. Even the fruitiest, sweetest alcoholic beverage will quickly take a toll on you while you're sipping on it. Wine is a step up, so you'll have to try your best to keep it together for the sake of not looking sloppy in front of Toji.
Toji brings down two glasses, and pours out the deep red liquid into them. One for you, one for him. He hands the glass to you, and nods at your quiet "thank you".
Toji watches as you immediately take a sip. He sees the way your nose scrunches at what you consider to be a funny taste, but the second you put the glass down, you smile like nothing. You don't like it at all. You hate the bitterness, and the fact that it's made with fermented grapes lives in the back of your head.
"How is it?" He asks, holding back a chuckle. You're too sweet for your own good, pretending to enjoy this for him.
"I like it," you say, pressing your lips together.
"Yeah? I think it's kinda gross. Guess I was expecting more from a fancy ass bottle, but brands are gonna brand, huh?"
You giggle, almost involuntarily. You're one gulp in, and already you're starting to feel the effects.
One of your worst habits includes chugging drinks that don't taste good, just so you can get them over with. You even do this when your drink is messed up at coffee shop. You're too nice to ask the barista to remake it, so you suck it up and drink the incorrect beverage solely for the caffeine you hope it has in it. This time is no different. You hate the taste of alcohol. You don't do plain shots, you can't stand hard ciders, and wine is no exception, but you're doing this for Toji. He cracked open the bottle to share with you, so you're going to drink every ounce of the liquid in the glass, whether you like the taste or not.
You bring the glass to your lips again, taking a much larger sip. The glass is a little less than halfway now, and your eyelids are starting to feel a little heavy. Not in a sleepy manner, but you can't seem to hold your eyes open as wide anymore.
You exhale through your nose, shut your eyes, and then blink them back open to take note of your altered state.
"That was a lot. How are you feeling?" Toji asks, noticing a shift in your demeanor. You seem a little more sluggish now. You turn your attention to him, your eyes rolling when they turn to meet his.
"I'm good, how are you?" You ask, like it was the start of a conversation rather than an ongoing one. Your eyes almost shut completely when you smile at him.
"You're tipsy already, aren't you?" He asks, with a grin on his face.
"Pshh, what? No, i'm not," you say, contradicting yourself with a giggle. "Answer the question, baby. How are you?"
"Fine," he responds, lingering on the pet name. You've got loose lips, now. In any other circumstance, you would address him by his name. Most of the time Toji is the one giving you pet names, for the sake of flustering you. He loves the way you look at him when he calls you doll or sweetheart, somewhat shocked every time the words leave his mouth.
"Yeah? That's good." You pick up the glass one more time, sighing before you mutter, "'scuse me. Gotta finish this."
With that last sip, the glass was now empty. Even Toji thinks you drank that too fast, but he still has the courtesy to ask you if you want more.
"Mhm, I'll have a little bit more. Just a tiny bit." Toji pours as much as he did the first time, chuckling when you nod in approval of the quantity. "That's perfect. Absolutely, perfect. You're a genius, my love." You flash him a smile before starting on the next glass.
Toji was considering having another glass, but that was before you called him "my love" in a tone so warm that he felt like he just had a bowl of hot soup that was now settling in his stomach. That was before you smiled at him in such a free spirited manner. It was too late for him to see you in this state while completely sober, but he sure as hell wouldn't be adding anymore alcohol to his system. He can't miss something like this, so instead he leans forward on the counter, and intently watches your every move.
"I got something on my face?" You ask, dragging your sleeves all over your face. You examine your sleeves and they're clean. "You liar. You're looking at me like that for nothing." You squint at him, a slight scrunch in your nose to define your defensiveness.
Toji laughs, his focus now on the small pinch in your brows. "Don't go picking fights over nothing. It's not a crime to look at my pretty baby."
Your faux tough exterior immediately crumbles, the irked expression on your face dropping to the ground, at the sugary words he uses on you. Your face feels very warm, and now there's an indefinite blush on it. You can't stop smiling at the look on Toji's face. He's so focused that he's gone speechless, and you eventually break into a laughing fit because of it.
"Hey... i'm usually the quiet one. Why aren't you talking, pretty boy? Need me to shut up?"
The pet name has Toji glancing at your glass, noticing that it was full for less than five minutes. This was new— you being flirtatious towards him. He didn't have any complaints about it whatsoever.
Once again, the quantity of the wine in your glass was below the halfway mark. "Nah, baby. Talk to me. You must really like the wine, huh?"
"Mmm..." you lean forward towards him, with your elbow on the counter and your chin in your palm. "What makes you say that?"
He actually snickers this time, earning a sly grin from you. "You're chugging it like it's water. It's either you love it or it tastes like ass and you're dying to spit it out."
You pick up the glass again, one last time. "Let's find out if I like it," you say as if you're not on your second serving. You let the liquid hit your tongue, and you are instantly repulsed by the flavor. The glass is tilted all the way up, signaling that you've finished two cups of wine in less than fifteen minutes. Your cheeks are filled with the drink, blown up like a puffer fish, which makes Toji smile softly with anticipation for your reaction. Your tongue stays on the roof of your mouth, keeping the wine in your cheeks separate, to give you a break for a few seconds. You release the bubbles of your cheeks and your mouth is flooded with the bittersweet liquid. You swallow the burgundy mouthful and smile with your lips pressed together once it's all gone. The mouth drying effect of wine is your least favorite thing about it.
"So?" Toji prompts.
"It's-" you gag, clasping a hand over your mouth with wide, slightly teary eyes.
Toji's chest and shoulders shake as he contains his laughter, his lips pressed together tightly to stifle the smile threatening to show itself, but his eyes tell you everything.
"Wooo, sorry about that," you say, chuckling through the embarrassment. "It's good," you repeat, still muffled by your palm.
"Yeah? Want more?" Toji asks, holding up the bottle with a teasing grin on his face.
You almost gag again but manage to control yourself. "No, thank you. Any more and I'll doze off, and we both know that's not what i'm here for." There was a hint of sultriness in your tone, something Toji was not sufficiently familiar with. It was a completely welcome shift from your normally tentative way of speaking to him.
"I know why you're here, but I wanna know what you think you're here for."
You stand from your stool and lean more of your body onto the counter. Your hand reaches for his, and for the first time, you don't pull back before making contact with his skin. "To love on you, of course," you say, with those pretty rosy cheeks. Your eyes remained glossy and your nose was still red from trying not to bring the wine back up earlier, but Toji thought you looked so cute.
"Is that right?" His thumb brushes over your knuckles, feeling the softness against his rough fingertip.
"Let's go watch that movie you were talking about and you'll see what I mean."
Toji was loving this. Your confidence, your lack of holding back anything you had to say, it was truly baffling how you could be someone else entirely with just a couple glasses of wine.
You keep his hand in yours, and as if it were your house, you say, "come on," and drag him along to the living room.
This time you say "sit" and point at the couch. This time he's the obedient dog and does as you say, sitting on the exact cushion you were pointing at with a smirk on his face. He moves the couch pillow aside to make room for you, but you had another seat in mind. You take two steps towards him before slowly dropping yourself into his lap, straddling him.
"I see you're finally taking your seat on the throne, hm?" He grins, resting his hands on your waist. This is the closest Toji's been allowed to watch you giggle without you burying your face into his neck and it's a trip. He can see the details of the creases around your eyes and the lift in your cheeks as you smile. He feels fuzzy, and he didn't even finish his glass of wine, so he knows it's not that.
"Stop making me laugh and pick a movie, will you? I'm here for that, too."
He picks up the remote for the TV and turns it on. "How are you gonna watch the movie while facing me?"
"Actually,.. can I tell you a secret, baby?" You ask, wrapping your arms around his neck. Your fingers play with the hair that reaches towards the nape of his neck, combing through it gently.
"What's that, princess?" Toji asks, vert eyes flitting between your eyes and that sweet smile of yours.
"I don't wanna watch a movie. I... wanna look at you... and that's it." Your nails gently scratch the back of his head, eliciting a tingly sensation that makes chills run down his spine.
"That's cool, too," Toji says, turning the TV off again, not caring that it was on for less than a minute before you changed your mind. He sighs, adjusting his position beneath you. Your thighs are secured around his hips, your knees touching the backrest of the couch.
"You're so handsome, my baby. God, look at those eyes," you whisper in awe, before giggling and bringing your hands to his face. You trace the bags under his eyes with your thumbs while admiring the haunting shade of green that scopes on you. Toji's hand comes up to loosely wrap around your wrist. He's not there to stop you, he just wants to move along with you as you observe his face.
"I know I don't say this to you enough, but I find you..." you sigh, blinking slowly, "enchanting..." You lean in and kiss the left corner of his lips—his right, and feel the smooth, tattered skin beneath your warm lips. "and I love you," you mumble into the cicatrix. "So fucking much, baby. And i'm sorry that you'll never know exactly how much because you aren't me." You're looking at him with so much adoration and touching him with a delicacy that can't be put into words. It's a deadly combination, one that has Toji in a chokehold and forces him to soften up even more for you.
He tightens the hold he has on your waist, pulling you closer until your stomach is pressed to his, as a result. You being so affectionate towards him is making him feel really good, and you have no idea because you're too focused on appreciating him. He's subconsciously leaning into your touch, his softened gaze meeting your lovestruck one.
"Fuck. I love you, too, princess," he murmurs, squeezing your wrist in his hand. He pulls your hand down to his chest. "Want you to aim for my lips, this time."
"Okay," you say, smiling before closing the distance between your lips and Toji's. He can still taste the remnants of the wine you inhaled minutes ago, but it tastes much better and a lot sweeter on you. Toji can hear your high pitched little hums as you kiss him, happiness pouring into your kisses. You're trying so hard not to laugh in his face, and trying is the best you can do, right now. You never were good at hiding your smile from Toji. He can't see it, but he can feel the way your lips widen, and he's occasionally kissing your teeth when your sluggishness keeps you from matching his pace. With little pants leaving you, you drag your lips away.
He sighs, frustrated by the loss of your softness against him. "Baby..." he groans, the sound almost whine-like to your ears. He wants more, so much more of you, and you're ignoring him. You're too busy kissing his chin, and his cheeks, and the tip of his nose.
You drag your other hand down to his chest and keep your hands splayed out on it as you let your lips trail his jaw, lightly sucking on the skin. Toji can't help but think about how this version of you will be gone in the morning. You won't be as outwardly affectionate, you'll go back to second guessing every move you make with him and shrinking every time he steals kisses from you, instead of confidently kissing him back like you did a minute ago.
You make your way down his neck, pressing kiss after kiss on him before you move towards his ear. "I love you, Toji," you whisper, kissing the shell of his ear after. "Love you, love you, love you soooo much," you barrage, before throwing him off with a bite to his earlobe. You giggle like a menace into his ear, the warmth of your breath luring goosebumps out onto his skin.
He chuckles, repeatedly squeezing the soft skin of your waist between his hands. "Yeah? Tell me again," he murmurs snaking his hands beneath the back of your shirt. Your skin is very warm, and there's nothing to blame but Toji and that shitty wine for making your body react this way.
With uninterrupted hands, you course your fingers through his hair and lean in to bite him again, this time on his neck. Toji chuckles at how you instantly rush to soothe him with your tongue and a warm kiss, even when you inflicted zero pain on him.
"I love you, Toji," you repeat into the wet indentations you left behind. "My love... my handsome man... I cherish you, you know?"
Toji is practically purring at all the affection you're showering him with. The slurring of your words is blocked out and they remain clear as day to him. He manages to hum a deep little "mhm" to your last statement.
"It's just so hard to talk to you sometimes. You... you're so intimidating, sometimes. I don't expect you to understand..." you divert your gaze to his shoulder, not able to look him in the eyes as vulnerability takes sudden control of your emotions. "It seems like I don't appreciate you sometimes—all the time, but I do, Toji. I do appreciate you, and I can't ever say I love you enough to show it. Words aren't always enough."
Toji catches the waver in your voice and his eyes dart to yours. You're tearing up, and you're trying to still your quivering lips by pressing them together.
"Shit," Toji mutters under his breath. You have the saddest expression he's ever seen and it's messing with his heart. He pulls his hands out of your shirt so that he can swiftly pull you into his warm embrace. "Hey," he coos. You're shaking against him, holding your breath to avoid sobbing. Your lungs burn, but you'd rather feel that than make a scene of your tears. "Don't be sad, mama. What's with the tears, hm?" he murmurs. He can feel your tears dampening his shoulder, but the fact that you haven't made a sound is concerning. "Breathe or you'll die," he says, only half joking. He rubs a soothing palm against your back, his other arm around your waist.
You let out what sounds like a mixture between a choked laugh and a sob, slowly but surely regulating your breathing. You don't even feel like saying anything anymore because you know your voice will give way to even more pity.
"You're more than enough for me," Toji says, his chin resting on your head. "I know how you feel, you know how I feel. We're complete." He can feel the way you scrunch his shirt up into your fists. As if he would go anywhere without you. "I get you and you're stuck with me. Got it?" You silently nod against his shoulder in response. "Sit up and let me look at you."
You really don't want him to see you this way. Your eyes feel swollen and you don't feel presentable.
"I can't..." you say, barely audible. You release his shirt and let your hands go limp behind him.
"Why not?"
"I'm not pretty right now. Don't look at me."
"I'm gonna look at you," he challenges with a teasing grin.
"Toji, don't look at me."
"Too late, it's happening. Plan's already in motion," he says, sliding his arms onto your shoulders.
"Toji, don't-" He effortlessly pushes you off his shoulder and gives you a once over. You look defeated and you're unable to look him in the eyes, but at least he can see you now.
"Don't know what you were so worried about. You look the same but more blush-y." You finally give him your slightly reddened eyes, a soft smile appearing on your face. You look like your sober self. "Yeah, you look the same."
"Are you lying?" You ask, still not regaining the full strength of your voice yet.
"I wouldn't tell you if I was, but no, i'm not lying. You're so pretty." Toji wiped away tears that were stuck beneath your eyes, and you giggled. He washed away your sadness within a couple minutes. Toji always did this for you in exchange for your love and affection. He lifted your spirits when you didn't feel deserving of him, and with time, he got much better at recognizing the signs that came with this ridiculous idea you planted in your head.
"You're done loving on me? Already?" He asks in playful disbelief.
"You're not done with me? Do you actually want more?" You ask, hesitantly.
"Don't want more, I need more," he corrects, returning his hands to their rightful place on your waist. "Get all up on me, princess."
You giggle, leaning closer towards him to peck a kiss onto his cheek.
"Mhm, like that," he says, contently, when you pick up the pace and start smothering him. "Yeah, baby, there you go." His forearms go beneath your shirt, encircling around your bare waist and pulling you close to him like before. "Who's getting spoiled like me?" He says through a grin. You're holding back laughs as he continues to praise you for your affection.
"S-Stop," you say through a wheeze, not able to contain the sound any longer when you looked at him.
"What are you laughing at, huh?" He chases you this time, pressing his nose into your cheek before planting a light kiss into your jaw.
"You're so unserious," you say, turning your head as he keeps going with the kisses.
"Mmm... I'm serious about you," he says, feeling the vibration of your laughter against his grin. "So serious."
Your cheeks feel incredibly hot from how much you've been smiling. In this little drunken haze, things are so good. You're so happy, you're so affectionate, and you talk so much. This isn't like you at all, but it's not hurting anyone, especially not Toji. There was one minor slip, but you moved past it so quickly like the words never left your head to begin with. You're just so simple... so easy to take care of.
Toji notices the way your eyes are starting to lid with tiredness, and while he would love for you to doze off in his arms right then and there, you'd probably prefer waking up in a bed.
"Let's go to bed, yeah?" He suggests.
"What? No! I just got here... We can still talk, and kiss and- I'm not even tired."
Toji grins at the way you fight him on this, and he has half a mind to indulge you when you look so adorable, but he has to stand his ground. He's right.
"But, you are. You can't even hold your eyes open, anymore."
You feel sad again because the rest of the night would be going to waste if you both go to sleep early. You're there to spend time with Toji, and yet you feel like it's your fault your time is being cut short. You're thinking you shouldn't have drank the wine so quickly, if at all.
"Listen, doll," Toji says. He doesn't like the sadness that resurfaces on your pretty face. He doesn't think you should look that way because of him. "We're just gonna go lay in bed. We don't have to go to sleep. We can stay up as long as you want. Light on or light off, whatever you wanna do, let's just move it to the room."
You sigh, still not completely convinced that the night isn't over, but Toji managed to persuade you. "Will you carry me, please? My legs feel like jelly."
"Of course. What kind of person would I be if I let you stumble into the room on your own?"
You sigh, wrapping your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist, your face buried into the crook of his neck. "You'd still be my favorite person, but i'd be a little upset..."
Toji stands from the couch, humming in response to your quiet mumbles.
"...but not really upset. Just a little bummed. Not for too long, though, 'cause I love you, but I would expect an apology from you if I fell down," you draw out.
Toji cracks at your little ramblings. It's a ten second walk from the couch to the bedroom, and the whole time you were working through a hypothetical conflict.
"Yeah? You'd want me to say sorry?" He asks, setting you down on the bed.
"Mhm, and then I wouldn't be upset or bummed anymore," you mutter to yourself as you roll onto your back.
"That's fair. Want the light on or off?"
"Off," you blurt. "Let's tell scary stories," you trill, enthusiastically. You pull the blanket over your lower body until it reaches just below your chest.
Toji makes his way to the bed after turning off the light. He takes his shirt off, and out of habit lets it fall to the floor. "We're not telling scary stories this late at night," he says, joining you beneath the blanket.
"But, they're funny," you say, turning to face him. "I don't get scared, either."
"Depends on who's telling the story. I'm sure as hell not gonna feed you a nightmare, doll."
"Boo," you say, lowly. "Whatever, i'm over it already," you mutter, rolling your eyes.
Toji watches you grow more and more tired as you throw random, nonsensical topics at him. You're taking longer to respond by the minute, and you're dozing off while humming in thought. You shake awake each time it happens and try to keep the conversation going, but Toji just shushes you and tells you to go back to sleep.
"I can see the moon through the window," you mumble, looking past him.
"I know, shh..." he hushes you, again.
"There's only like... one star," you whisper, in awe.
"Baby, come here," Toji says, like he's about to lecture you about the rules of sleep, but really he's just thinking that if his body heat doesn't put you down, he's gonna have to stay up with you until you fall asleep on your own.
You scoot closer towards Toji, tucking your arms into your chest when he reaches out to pull you into him the rest of the way. His body exudes so much warmth, you feel like you don't need the blanket at all.
There was nothing left for you to say when you couldn't see or feel anything but him. It was as if you were gone the second he enveloped you in his arms. You were small to the brink of nonexistence, no longer there to tell him what your surroundings were, or to ask him thoughtless, silly questions. You were no longer there to fight off the sleep he only seemed to bring closer towards you. Feeling his warm skin against you made you change your mind about this invisible fiend that was pulling your eyelids down. You now welcomed the calls to rest from your steady heartbeats.
Your silence gave him the answer he needed, but for good measure, he poked at you with a whisper of, "Ma?" and waited a few seconds for your response. Nothing. He sighed and coiled around you tighter. Thoughts of the night ran through his head. Your soft, yet, occasionally bruising kisses and the imprints of your teeth on his skin, your unapologetic laughter, your certainty in using the pet names that claimed him as yours. He was weak for the amount of times you openly told him you loved him. It was a psychedelic dream, to say the least. One he hoped would continue once he followed you into slumber.
You woke up hours later, completely smothered by your bear of a man. All you could do was stare up at the ceiling, while you waited for Toji to wake up because he was literally breathing down your neck. His arm rested over your chest, his legs were tangled with yours, and his face was right beside your face. You weren't feeling the effects of the wine anymore, and luckily, you didn't have a headache or any signs of a hangover. You were back, which meant...
"What are you staring at?" A deep, raspy voice jolts you out of your thoughts.
You look at the handsome face next to you, and as if your heart can hear and see, it wakes up. "Nothing. Just woke up," you lie.
"Mm... you were staring hard at the roof. I thought it came to life or something," Toji chuckles. You smile, briefly, before looking at the ceiling again.
Toji releases you and flips onto his back, wanting to know what's so fascinating about the space you're looking at. "What are you thinking?" He asks, when he discovers nothing but blank space.
You take your time, not wanting to stumble over your words. Your heart skips a beat when he turns his head to look at you. In the time it takes for you to respond, you both could have gone back to sleep again.
"A penny for your thoughts?" he finally says, following the idiom with a question. "Did I even use that correctly?"
You can't help but laugh, nodding your head to answer his question. "I'm thinking about last night. Sorry if I said anything stupid."
Toji turns his body towards you again, thinking the only thing that's stupid is that he's still staring at the roof instead of staring at you. "You didn't. You were calm, from what I got to see, at least."
"So... boring."
"Not boring," he instantly catches. "You were perfect. You didn't have me running around chasing you, you weren't a brat—it couldn't have gone better, ma." He purposely missed something in his less than brief recount of the night to you. He can think back to the emotions that seeped through your little daze, and your insecurity about outwardly showing him love, all he wants, but there's no way in hell he's bringing that up to you, now. "You ramble a lot," he adds, a soft smile emerging on his face.
You can feel your cheeks warming up. "Oh god," you groan in embarrassment. "That's not- Sorry, that sounds... not so fun. Annoying of me, actually."
"Stop, it was cute," he assures, adding more fury to the blush creeping on your face. "Then you wouldn't go to sleep 'cause you kept seeing stuff outside the window."
You wanted to drown yourself in the blanket. Shame and embarrassment were winning their battle against you, as always.
"That was also cute," he says, watching the way your lips twitch as you bite back a smile. "You know my favorite part, though?" He says, grinning as he leans towards your ear.
"N-No, what?" You ask, trying so hard not to giggle.
"When you kissed me and told me you loved me," he murmurs into your ear like it's a dirty secret.
You snicker, the short sound of amusement evolving into laughter within seconds. You throw the blanket over your face and partially over Toji's face. The sight of your veiled body shaking with laughter lured out a couple chuckles of his own.
"That's funny?" He asks, pulling the blanket down, allowing you to see the sly grin he's sporting.
"A little bit," you respond, smiling— a remainder of your laughter.
"Silly girl. Come here," he says, dragging you back into his arms. "There's no reason you should be awake at six in the morning on your day off. Let's go back to sleep," he murmurs into the crown of your head. "We can go out for breakfast, later."
"Okay," you mumble, eyes shut already as you embrace the natural warmth of his body.
"One more thing," he murmurs. You don't raise your gaze, but your ears are open and you're listening closely. "Tell me you love me."
You didn't expect that, but you weren't going to deny him of such a simple thing. The words were easy to recite because you meant them with every fiber of your being. "I love you, Toji," you comply, immediately.
He sighs, contently, almost like hearing those words revitalized him. "Love you, too, mama."
That went out to every version of you.
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kairoot · 6 months ago
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── ࣪ ˖ ❛ 𝓜𝑎𝑘𝑒𝑢𝑝 𝓥𝑜𝑖𝑐𝑒𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑠.
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‧₊˚ 𝓼𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: they do the voiceover for your makeup routine 𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 : enha x 𝑓.𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝖾𝗋 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲 : fluff , crack 𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗱 : no 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 : jokes, profanity, pet names, this was shorter than i intended, some of these are kind of inspired by some tiktoks i saw.
— ( 𝓂𝑖𝑙𝑎𝑛’𝑠 𝑛𝑜𝑡𝑒𝑠 ) : pls leave reblogs, they are much appreciated !! ♡︎
✿ member’s headcanons under the cut !!
⊹ 𝓁ℎ𝑠.
asking hee to do this was a piece of cake
he agreed to it immediately
he lovesssss watching you do your makeup
so when you asked him he was like, “well.. yes!”
gonna keep it real with you, he has absolutely no idea what ANYTHING is
he just knows the things that he buys for you and that’s it
flirty mcbirdy over here, he’s barely even watching the makeup, mostly watching you
“hi guys, today i’m doing my girlfriend’s makeup voiceover.” he says into the mic, the video starting with you priming your face as you’ve already did skincare prior to starting the video.
you were next to him while he narrated your routine, holding in your giggles as he began naming the products that you were using.
“okay so now she’s uhm.. damn she’s gorgeous..” he paused for a moment, watching you through the screen as you applied the first product of your base.
you nudged him, urging him to stay on topic as your face began to warm up.
“she’s applying, uh— the— the..” he thought for a moment, the product seemed familiar but he couldn’t think of the name.
it was foundation.
“and then she’s.. wiping it all over her face.” he mumbled, still not paying attention to what you were doing but admiring you instead.
“it’s blending, hee..” you whispered, not wanting the mic to pick up your voice.
expect the comments to go insane about hee’s little flirtatious comments.
⊹ 𝓅𝑗𝑠.
ngl, he’s a bit confused as to why you asked him to do this but he says yes anyway
why does this man actually know what the products are??
quite literally does the whole voiceover better than any beauty influencer you’ve ever seen..
compliments you throughout the video
he’s literally so polite
“hello everyone, today y/n has asked me to do her voiceover, so here i am!” he says excitedly, watching you apply the first product.
“so here, she’s putting some of the foundation in her t-zone.. she has really great skin.” he explains.
you’re sat next to him, shocked at how he’s able to understand the whole routine.
“after she blends, she goes in with her.. concealer, i think.” he was right again.
as you blend that out, jay begins talking about the product that you’re using.
“yes, i pay attention to my girl’s routine.” he says, knowing everyone’s gonna wonder how he could even know all of this. you bite back a smile, his comment making your heart warm.
now the whole internet wants a boyfriend like jay.
⊹ 𝓈𝑗𝑦.
he is very eager to do it. why? because he loves you and is so down bad for you
ummm he knows NOTHINGGG about makeup 😫
another flirty one
count how many times he says he wants to kiss you or compliments your lips challenge (jake is so weak for kisses, you cannot convince me otherwise)
he’s so giggly throughout the whole thing ??
he definitely gets flustered over your beauty, esp your bareface <3
he’s lowkey your hype man even though he has no idea what he’s talking abt
“hey guys, it’s jake! today i’m gonna give you all a tutorial for y/n’s everyday makeup.” he beamed confidently. he watched you start your routine, already giggling at the small things you do throughout the first 30 seconds.
“so she’s gonna start with, um..” his giggles cutting him off. “she’s starting with the putty stuff. it kind of looks like play-doh!”
“jake!” you nudge him a bit, rolling your eyes playfully.
“sorry, sorry!” he laughs. “now she’s putting on.. powder? wait, no, that’s definitely bronzer.”
“yeahh, apply that bronzer, babe!” he exclaimed.
it was powder foundation ??
“she looks so good already, wanna give her a kiss..” he said, watching you pat the product onto your skin.
⊹ 𝓅𝑠ℎ.
bro is so impatient
he can’t think of any of the name of the products that you’re using which frustrates him to the MAX
pls don’t laugh at him, he will sulk 😕
cracks jokes abt how long you take
“now she’s applying.. uhm, glitter?” he tilted his head, watching you apply highlighter to the inner corners of your eyes.
“highlighter, babe.” you corrected him, holding back your laughs.
“whatever it is, it’s very shiny. and she’s putting it on so do whatever she’s doing if you want this look.”
you snorted a bit, finding his impatience hilarious.
“watch as she puts on her favorite mascara that she made me buy her.. because she doesn’t care about my pockets or if i go broke.” he sighed.
you landed a playful smack to his shoulder, scoffing.
“anyways, she takes forever.” he huffed. “she told me she was gonna be ready in 10 minutes but 10 minutes turned into two hours, so i guess im gonna have to wait.”
please don’t ever ask him to do this again.
⊹ 𝓀𝑠𝑤.
like jay, he knows what everything is
he’s actually really excited to do this
he pays attention when you do your makeup and pays attention when he gets his makeup done so
he basically knows what everything is he just.. doesn’t know how to do it
he knows all of your favorite products
count how many times he calls you pretty challenge:
“look at how pretty she is!” he exclaims as you prime your face. “i did her skin care by the way.”
he watched as you applied your concealer, telling the viewers exactly what brand it was and what it did for your skin.
“i’m pretty sure this is her favorite product.”
“okay! next she’s gonna set with this one powder that she absolutely loves.” he giggled.
you chuckle at his excitement, not expecting him to like this as much as he did. you just knew people would want more of him narrating your routines and grwms.
“and now, she’s putting on her blush.. I love this part.” he said, mesmerized by you and your features.
“isn’t she so pretty?”
⊹ 𝓎𝑗𝑤.
he’s so confused
tbh he just yaps the whole time
you don’t know what he’s talking about, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about..
he just knows that he buys some of the stuff
he gives random facts throughout the video ??
“okay, so i’m not really sure of what she’s putting on her face right now..” he said, scratching his head slightly.
“did you guys know that dolphins name each other?”
“jungwon..?” you furrow your eyebrows, looking at him confusingly.
“oh, right! sorry, now she’s applying some.. nose.. stuff?”
you mentally face palmed at his attempt to name the products, which he ended up wrong every time.
“if it wasn’t already obvious, i know none of these things, i just get whatever she tells me to buy.” jungwon giggled, watching you apply your blush.
please DO NOT let him do this ever again 😭🙏🏽
⊹ 𝓃𝑟𝑘.
bro does NOT wanna be here
he doesn’t wanna do it at all 😭
but somehow you convince him (you told him you’d buy him robux)
he guesses everything
some of it he gets right somehow
gets so triggered when you laugh at him 😭
“um, okay, she’s applying concealer.. that’s concealer, right?” he looked over at you, as the video showed you applying the product.
you looked at him, giggling.
“why are you laughing? is that not concealer?” he asked again, becoming irritated.
“yes.. just keep going, ki.” you cover up your laughs.
he rolls his eyes playfully, “anyways, now she’s putting on some powder shit.. i don’t know.”
“and she’s.. beating it on her face..? why are you punching yourself?” he quirks an eyebrow.
you shake your head, sighing at his confusion.
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