#sorry for the longass post about basically nothing

[scourgefrontiers]

im ngl sometimes i do think abt retrying the animation industry job thing. i dont Want to and i Wont do it, but sometimes i think about it..

ive gotten better by now and im sure i could whip up a decent portfolio now if i tried. maybe this time id actually get considered for a job lol.

again i dont plan on doing it anytime soon tbh, if ever. but if i Had to? id be ok with at least trying again, i think.

i dont have a lot of confidence w my chances of getting an industry design job, mostly due to past experiences, but also bc there are pros currently in the industry who are literally struggling to find and hold jobs themselves. so what chance do i rly have lol

PLUS if yall were around for my job hunting era u may recall it stressed me out immensely and took a Lot of the fun and enjoyment out of drawing :( plus plus...i got a couple critiques that REALLY hurt my self esteem. one of them was DIRECTLY the reason i stopped drawing cartoons and am currently struggling to find the love for cartoons i used to have. (they called my art style "tired and dated" and said "it would have been popular 20 yeara ago" which erm. really fucking hurt lol. so i stopped and changed styles to be "more appealing" to people)

if i ever did get an industry job id really have to try and find a balance to where i dont hate art bc of it and still enjoy doing personal pieces. i love doing comms! but its a struggle to make money sometimes with just comms, and i physically + mentally cant do anything besides work from home art stuff. so unless i make an original comic to print and sell, i think the industry is the only choice i have left

[longcaticus]

yiik questions moment

Thinking so hard about YIIK. The launch trailer was SO cool. I love the art direction they're taking it in so much and how they're leaning into the absurdist direction the game was originally going in. HOWEVER I am so bad at processing YIIK. Have been into this game for over a year and I still don't understand stuff so I'm going to ask the fellow yiikheads out there a couple questions

Heads up. Like. SUPER long rambling down there with spoilers and such

Is this image supposed to be a reference to Prometheus or am I literally going nuts connecting this to nothing. If so, I think that's really neat because Frankenstein is the modern Prometheus, so Alex would be the POST-modern Prometheus which is extremely funny to me. The triangle where there's a hole in him (?) doesn't seem to be where the liver is (I think. I don't understand basic human biology <3) and the liver in greek mythology is supposed to be where like. the soul is which I think is worth mentioning.

Like, the whole deal is Alex's existence pretty much dooms the universe, too, so is that bringing fire to a civilization? Something that will help them and destroy them? Also, does that make the asshole behind him a figure like Zeus who is punishing him?

ALSO also, the soundtrack for when Panda reveals he is a stuffed animal is called "the lonely panda and the stuffed crow." I'm really not sure what the crow represents yet, and it's been bothering me so much. Panda is another part of Alex, and huge characterization considering he is a college student still talking to a stuffed animal. It also shows Alex is often aware his decisions aren't the greatest. Panda is also nothing without Alex, as Alex's imagination pretty much gives it life, so what does it mean for Panda to be lonely if Alex is not around? And in this moment, if the crow is 'stuffed,' meaning fake, what does it mean? Does the crow represent reality, so it's basically a 'fake reality?' Is this supposed to be symbolism of how everything Alex and we, the player, are familiar with is no longer the same?

The reason I'm thinking the crow might represent 'reality' is because of the song "The machine and the crow" where what we assume is Alex denies the crow and embraces 'the machine,' being probably Essentia. We see Essentia sort of feed into Alex's delusions at times and even lying to him in some interpretations, so this could be interpreted as Alex choosing a fake reality over his own. The ending is Alex destroying that fake reality with his lack of empathy because he never belonged there to begin with, as much as he wanted to, and it hurts the real world around him in the process. shaking and sobbing rn wtf is the crow

Then there's the implications of Michael.

They also had a falling out too, as Alex got the wrong address.

This doesn't really seem in character for Michael, so is the new one like. A soul survivor? Did Michael leave this reality? If so, what could have happened that made Michael do that.

FINALLy OUT OF EVERYTHING what in the world did THE GOLDEN ALPACA MEAN BY THIS!!!

anyways sorry for that longass ramble and sorry if the questions are a little confusing or weird. I'm open to literally any interpretations I just want to understand YIIK better thanks bye.

[sparkysparklightning]

Okay listen

Yes this is the “longass post” I mentioned in my previous Tratie HoO post hgjkfsh I decided to publish it and see what y’alls think!

Anyway, I saw this post, like...a week ago?? And all of a sudden, everything related to the HoO series that I’ve held back just came charging full-force. So I’m here to grace y’alls with my ideas and thoughts about HoO.

Honestly, if I talked abt everything that went off-kilter in that series, we’d be here all day, so I’ll just stick to the mere basic point that was also the basis of my HoO conceptual rewrite idea, and that point is...

Percabeth shouldn’t have been a part of the Seven.

Yeah yeah, half of you guys must be throwing stones at me, the other half is probably nodding in agreement. But seriously, Percabeth already had their time to shine--they had an entire five hecking books, they ( and their characterizations ) definitely do not need another five more, yeesh! I love Percy and all, but pls, five more books in which his and Annabeth’s and their relationship’s character were diminished? Yeah, no thanks. 

I love Percabeth, but in HoO, they became so...bland??? Idk how to properly explain it, but I didn’t like what happened to their character arcs at all lmaoo

But then, I got an idea: what if, instead of Percabeth, it was TRATIE who was a part of the Seven, instead? 

Now this idea was inspired both from the post mentioned above plus another post that talked abt Tratie as a part of the Seven in a bit more detail, which I cannot find no matter how many times I scoured the rr-crit tag ( smh, if anyone else knows of this post, pls lmk and link it, I’m sorry 😭 )

And yeah, I know a lot of ppl have been hopping on the ‘Nico & Reyna as part of the Seven’ train when it comes to making HoO rewrites, but see, hear me out, just think about the potential of Travis Stoll and Katie Gardner--two children of minor gods--getting their spotlight in a series of their own ( plus more indirect spotlight on the minor gods in question ) plus a slowburn ( kinda ) relationship?? Heck, I already have some ideas for this, that I’ll jot down below the cut along with some conceptual ideas about the rewrite. If any of y’alls end up reading this whole post, can you...just, idk, lmk whether it’s a solid plan and if I should actually take it forward and plan on writing it? Bc I’m being rlly indecisive rn ahaha 😅

So. Tratie instead of Percabeth. Let’s take a closer look at the potential:

Honestly, I hate to admit it, but Percabeth didn’t do much to the plot as a whole, so it wouldn’t make much of a difference if they’re taken out. Though there are some things they did to move the plot forward, although little, and that’s what I’ll touch on before I discuss Tratie in general:

( oh yeah, disclaimer: I read the HoO series about five years ago?? I’m trying ( key word: trying lmao ) to reread the series currently, but it’s just not sticking lmfao. Probably the main reason why I wanna rewrite it so badly, other than the two posts that boosted my inspo )

--> THE ATHENA PARTHENOS: Annabeth went on a solo quest in MoA to track down the Athena Parthenos bc it was crucial to sealing the rift between Greek and Roman. BUT, any other demigod could go on that same quest instead of her. Like Piper, whose mother had told her that she was essential to sealing the rift but never ended up doing anything for it bc RR just...flopped idk; or someone like Leo who has similar abilities as Annabeth and would be able to outsmart Arachne in a similar fashion as well; or even Reyna could come earlier than she did in the series and work with the Seven or some of them to track down the statue? Idk, there are lots of options, tbh, there’s honestly not that much relevance to Annabeth being the daughter of Athena so she has to track down the Athena Parthenos. I mean, sure there was the Arachne ordeal, but other than that, nothing major rlly happens

Percy, himself, didn’t rlly...do much for the entire series, other than fight. I mean, there were some minor aspects of HoO where his powers or relations to other characters vibed well, so we’ll check those out:

--> KANSAS: In MoA, Jason and Percy fought each other bc they were forced to. That could easily happen even without Percy. Instead, of Percy, it could be Hazel and Jason fighting each other due to their connections as the Big Three children being taken advantage of. It could be sort of like a mirage of Thalia and Percy’s fight back in TTC. Plus, again, it gives way for more bonding and discussion after between two other characters that never got much interaction time together in canon

--> KYM AND POLYBOTES: okay this is the scene that takes place in BoO where Percy and Jason face off against Kym and Polybotes. But, Percy...does literally nothing here other than get poisoned lmao. It was Jason who did the heavy-lifting bc Percy got a t a d bit arrogant, thinking he was invincible underwater. So honestly, you could take out Percy and replace him with another member of the Seven (who would seem reasonable, in the context, so no Piper or Annabeth or Leo, etc bc none of them can survive even a minute under the water and doesn’t have a way like Jason to breathe). Tbvh, I can see Frank and Jason go together to face Kym and Polybotes. Frank can shapeshift into a sea-creature while Jason can use his ventus vacuum thingie, so it all works out, and nothing too drastic is changed! 

There’s probably a couple more of little scenes where Percabeth was mostly significant in some way to the series, but let’s be very honest...there weren’t a lot of them. So long story short: if you want to, you can easily take out Percy and Annabeth from the series and replace them with another pair and it wouldn’t be the end of the world, lmao.

Now onto Tratie ideas in relation to if they were a part of the Seven instead. Here are some bullet-points of some ideas that I thought of:

It could be a lovely parallel, where when Jason woke up, all he could remember was Thalia, so when Travis wakes up, all he remembers is Connor, his younger brother. I think it would be nice bc it shows that not everything has to be romantically coded like how Percy only remembered Annabeth in canon. It would emphasize Travis and Connor’s sibling bond more so, and I can just imagine Connor giving Travis reuniting noogies and trying not to burst into tears in MoA, and Travis whispers something like “you’re here” and the floodgates open, and it’s just crying and hugging and the like 😭😭

Katie is a daughter of Demeter, so she would have a somewhat connection with the Earth aka Gaea, hence there is now a plausible reason why Gaea would want to spill her blood to rise. Also, when the time comes to defeat her, instead of charm-speaking her to sleep or whatnot, Katie could be a significant crux to the primordial’s defeat bc her powers tie in with the land/earth, so she could use her powers to forcibly push Gaea back into the earth.

 Instead of them going to Tartarus, they end up going to Cupid (so some other pair will fall into Tartarus instead), and instead of a stupid forced outing, Cupid takes one look at them, senses their underlying emotional tension and goes “oh boy, yeah, you two have a lot to talk about” and actually (tries to) help guide the two into confessing the feelings they’d hidden, instead of being a little shit like in canon. Plus I just adore the idea of Travis calling Katie “flower” after they get together, and Katie calling him “key” not just bc he steals stuff but also bc he’s like the key to her heart and all that sappy bs, I literally love them sm 🥺 literally such wonderful nickname opportunities that have a deeper meaning

Travis and Jason might have a subtle rivalry, but unlike Percy and Jason’s weird ‘I’m stronger than you’ thing, it could be bc Jason felt a bit jealous of how everyone was looking for Travis, including his sister, while no one pulled much of an effort to look for him? It’d give an opportunity for them to talk things out and end up growing closer after talking

Juno/Hera saw Travis’s need, his desire, to redeem the Hermes name and as a result, used that fire to kickstart her plan by plopping him in Camp Jupiter while Jason got switched to CHB. Hence there is now a reasonable concept as to why the switch happened, because honestly, the whole Percy-Jason switch didn’t make all that sense bc Jason, yes I can sort of understand why he got switched, but Percy?? There was literally no solid reason that was explained as to why he was chosen to be switched lmao. But with Travis, Juno/Hera takes pity on him and uses this as an opportunity for him to bring glory to the Hermes name after the Titan War

I have a ton more ideas for the rewrite as a whole tbvh. Stuff relating to ways Gaea could actually be defeated, more on Octavian’s backstory and why he hates the Greeks so much, and other tiny scenes between the demigods that could bring about more characterization and details to their arcs.

The only problem is...with the way this is going in my head, I think things might end up diverging more or less from canon as the series progresses? Like there will obv be the canon scenes, but there might also be non-canon scenes that might change the series plot a little bit?? And idk how many of y’alls will appreciate that lmao ghjksfgh but I have started writing it. It’s a super long process lmfao, so idk when I’ll publish it (probably on Ao3, if I do), but I just wanted to let y’alls know bc a lot of you guys liked my first post abt this and I saw your lovely tags and it made me super happy and honestly, those tags are the reason why I even started writing this in the first place! So thank you guys so so much for the positive feedback!

[holdmyhopeinyourhands]

What do you think about what Max said about George being dramatic?

Nothing? Like I'm sorry am I supposed to find that offensive in any way????? Look, I don't like Max and at this point it feels just weird defending him all the time (please stop doing this to me guys) but they are friends. Like friends are allowed to joke around like this you know. It's like how everyone was losing their shit about Lando wanting attention when the George announcement was made......

As if George would appreciate them being pissed at his best friend on his behalf. Y'all would probably string me up for the shit I say to my best friend (who is in the hospital) if you heard the way I talk to her or make jokes about her. But that's not for anyone to judge. You don't get to dictate our relationship. And I'm sure if George found it offensive he would just go for that low hanging fruit and basically say "You're one to talk trashcan man." Like seriously guys. As long as there is nothing malicious to it and the joke is between friends I have absolutely no problem with drivers taking a jab at each other. This bizarre need to jump in with knives out to defend a friend from another friend is just.... weird to me.

Like if, I don't know Charles suddenly decided to post a longass rant about Pierre were he called him a piece of shit. Y'all would probably cancel him or something.... when Pierre would be right there hanging out with him the next day.

So chill *pats you on the back*. It was just a joke. And it's not like Max wasn't equally dramatic behind that trashcan a couple of weeks ago so if he was being malicious, he really set himself up for a stupid fall. Go after him for the slurs he says (rightfully so) but this is just (as kindly as I can say it) dumb.

Edit: My recent anon has kindly informed me that I was being needlessly antagonistic and I think I was. I read the tone of your ask entirely wrong and took my recent annoyance out on you. Sorry dearest. I've just been very frustrated with all these recent weird takes on how drivers are allowed to interact and stuff. Anyways, my answer still stands for those who are thinking it was malicious or whatever but for you anon who probably just wanted to know my thoughts *hugs* sorry for taking my frustration out on you.

[badatusernames]

CHOJI, SHIKAMARU, LEE, GAARA & HINATA!! ITS A LOT IM SORRY

THANK U FOR THIS...admittedly some answers may be a lil short just so i can like. Get to them all.

EDIT: IDK WHY IT LOOKS LIKE THIS. IM SO TIRED. IM SORRY ITS JUST A LONGASS NARUTO POST ON YOUR DASH I TRIED MY FUCKIN BEST YALL

SEND ME A CHARACTER AND I’LL DO THIS;

Chouji (man i’ve seen it spelled both ways and i’m just used to typing Chouji at this point sorry)

Sexuality Headcanon: Pansexual!!  Gender Headcanon: Cis male A ship I have with said character: SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARUUUU, my god...just, everything about their dynamic makes my heart melt, the way they’re both people who are easily dismissed by others and how they have such UNFALTERING FAITH in each other. chouji knows how much of a genius shikamaru is, knows very well the fact that despite his laziness, once he commits to something he’s in it for the LONG HAUL, the way shikamaru just believes so steadfastly in chouji, considering him stronger than NEJI FOR FUCKS SAKE...they like. get one another, the kind of relationship where you can be yakking away one minute and then just sitting in contented silence the next. they can just laze around. maybe play video games and snack. and sometimes...kiss. and it’s so chill even with that latent tenderness their later relationship develops and they both just feel so safe and KNOWN and familiar like. love your best friend. anyway everyone slept on shikacho and y’all should be ashamed the naruto fandom is enormous and finding pretty much ANY content for it is almost impossible aside from the small (if lovely and amazing) tag and i’m pretty hyperfixated on it if you couldn’t tell holy SHIT.  A BROTP I have with said character: i’m really not a fan of ino taking potshots at him for his weight and outright shaming him, but once she grows out of that i absolutely love their friendship. listen, you know that post thats like--hold on

thats just them, thanks. A NOTP I have with said character: i have nothing against karui but canon is fucking dead to me and my opinions on p much all the “endgame” ships range from utterly neutral to absolute loathing. their relationship is on neither end of the spectrum, but. eh. definitely not into it. A random headcanon: he keeps nursing injured animals back to health because he’s just that fucking sweet and bringing them back to his house to keep them warm and safe while they recover and his team knows vaguely about this and ino and shikamaru like to poke fun at him for it but since they don’t tend to encounter said animals, it’s not really a huge deal.

of course they stop by his house one day bc he hadn’t shown up for training which is annoying and frankly a little concerning and finding the house mostly empty ino just bursts on into chouji’s room only to immediately have the opossum he’s been caring for latch its little paws on her face and cling.

it’s a bad morning. General Opinion over said character: literally one of my absolute favorites of all time and it really breaks my heart how overlooked he is in the fandom (seriously y’all...). i think kishimoto is kind of a stupid hack and the Fat Jokes are really grating and it sucks to see that so intrinsically tied to his character (like. just let him be fat. jesus christ) but his kindness and overall relaxed, loyal and lovable nature has me just melting. i adore him. 

Shikamaru

Sexuality Headcanon: He’s gay, scoob. (I could also talk a lot about how his earlier misogyny is both a product of being a whiny tween and also some internalized frustration of like WHATS SO GREAT ABOUT GIRLS. UGH. I DONT. STOP TELLING ME IM GONNA FALL IN LOVE WITH ONE ONE DAY DAD JESUS. and let’s be real, thats frustrating, even if it aint an excuse)  Gender Headcanon: he uses he/him pronouns because it’s just what he’s used to and comfortable with but man gender is such a drag... A ship I have with said character: SEE ABOVE SHIKACHO RANT A BROTP I have with said character: naruto! he and naruto have a really adorable friendship and i love love LOVE that he and chouji were shown to be kind and accepting of him even when most people were shunning him. also he’s so fucking dumb i love seeing shikamaru meticulously plan out something only to have naruto shriek into battle and ruin all of it. love those guys. stupid bros.  A NOTP I have with said character: ok. im sorry i just. loathe sh*katema i really do. i haaaate the way kishimoto writes this whole “ew a GIRL” “ew a MAN” vibe with the like OOOH BUT THEYRE GONNA LIKE EACH OTHER vibe like. 

don’t get me wrong i adore them as friends, i think they’re fantastic scathing and witty pals who bitch about anything and everything including each other

but they’re also both gay and kishimoto can suck my nuts byeeee A random headcanon: sometimes pakkun just fucking Shows up and chills with him. shikamaru wants absolutely no part of this but is way too lazy to like. do anything about it so it’s just this guy and a dog sitting in a field chillin and occasionally him piping up like ‘hey kid. remember when i bit your hand? yeah? haha, man time sure does fly.” while shikamaru is just. go aWAY.   General Opinion over said character: if you told 9 year old me watching naruto for the first time my favs were gonna be a three way tie of lee, shikamaru and chouji i never would have fucking believed you but here we are. i love him. i absolutely love him. he’s such a whiny bastard and a really good depiction of burnout genius who doesnt want to do ANYTHING, but his intellect is an absolute DELIGHT to watch. i love him very much. 

Lee

Sexuality Headcanon: he’s pan!! this is a boy that crushes easily and crushes hard on just about anyone!!!! Gender Headcanon: cis male A ship I have with said character: ok i ship him a lot with neji actually? what with how neji grows during the course of the series to regard lee with the respect he deserves is really sweet and there’s just something so infinitely adorable about him going around being the hammiest, most ridiculously earnest, kind and enthusiastic person and neji, now that he isn’t constantly bitter and angry at the world can finally really see that? lee is always happily dropkicking his way into his life, like he wouldn’t have it any other way, and i think that’s just...so sweet A BROTP I have with said character: SAKURAAAAA. oh my GOD do i adore their relationship. ever since lee saved her and basically just gave her a glimpse of his...lee-ness, the fact her negative opinion of him IMMEDIATELY flipped and gave her such a strong admiration and fondness for him kills me DEAD. she always treats him with so much respect and the fact she’s quick to rag on anyone making fun of him melts my HEART!! and on lee’s side, his little crush on her is adorable of course, but the sheer strength of the friendship that comes from it is more than infatuation could ever offer him. i want them to hang out together and talk about their troubles...i want them to make each other laugh and be so very kind to each other...i want sakura to storm over and throw him over her shoulder to TAKE A BREAK ALREADY when he’s been training too hard for too long. god. A NOTP I have with said character: honestly i’m pretty happy with a lot of lee ships! the only ones i view with obvious disdain are the ones with creepy age gaps honestly. A random headcanon: out of everyone in the leaf genin, he’s probably the closest anyone’s ever come to someone who EVERYONE is at least distantly friendly towards. like god have you SEEN how warm and inviting and concerned he is the SECOND he sees that naruto is feeling down? i get the sense he’s immediately inclined to provide that kind of support to any of his comrades, even the ones that Resist it.

you think sasuke is the most popular among the leaf genin? puh-LEASE. everyone looks on rock lee with at least a LITTLE bit of warmth. thats just fact. General Opinion over said character: since my first viewing of naruto he has been my Absolute fav, and while chouji and shikamaru are veeery close to stealing that spot, one look at him and i feel he’s gonna be on top forever. probably the best written character kishimoto’s ever produced that’s remained in  the main cast (tho i dont speak for shipudden onwards who fucking knows, but the truth of it is is i adore rock lee)

Gaara

Sexuality Headcanon: Panromantic Asexual Gender Headcanon: kind of like shikamaru, i feel like he uses he/him pronouns but also doesn’t particularly....Care? A ship I have with said character: ok so it wasnt until my naruto rewatch that i really started falling into this but i think him and naruto are super cute? while i loathe kishimoto for ruining so much abt this show he really is good at creating good foils to naruto, and gaara is no exception--and the way naruto changes his life by just kicking his ass (and proving he’s not just a Simp or smth) and then just, extending genuine empathy and a REAL sense of truly relating to where he’s coming from re:his upbringing? the EFFECT it has on him, bro!!!! my god!!! i feel like they’re that opposites attract ship that don’t clash constantly but instead fall into this adorable synergy and understanding? and i think thats so sweet A BROTP I have with said character: ...is it cheating to just put temari and kankuro here? bc they are literally his siblings but my GOD do i love their relationship. there’s something so deeply sad about their initial situation??? like having siblings that either are deeply fucking afraid of you or clearly don’t care for your well being whatsoever, it’s such a tragic scenario, and the times where they really do show legitimate care for gaara just breaks my heart...but the GROWTH. THE DEVELOPMENT. THE HEALING. i love the sand siblings so much, i am a STRONG advocate of seeing the development from estranged family to loving, occasionally bickering siblings who absolutely Love Each Other A NOTP I have with said character: uhhhh same with lee in that i don’t really mind most of the ships i’ve seen him in? while i don’t particularly ship gaalee i think its also Very Cute, and really it all just seems pretty valid as long as people aren’t being creepy? A random headcanon: i’ve been wracking my brain for one for a good 20 minutes and i just don’t have one he’s such a mystery to me/????? i love him but he is an enigma?? General Opinion over said character: oh my god he’s such an edgelord in the beginning. i’ve been doing a lot of this naruto rewatch with my friend @drashseed (a simply phenomenal fella 10/10 follow him) and every single time he talked the only valid response just became “ok gaara”

but his backstory? utterly HEARTWRENCHING. and his growth is just. absolutely divine, i adore him. thank you mister sandman for doing so much for us all.

Hinata

Sexuality Headcanon: Bisexual Gender Headcanon: cis woman A ship I have with said character: listen. i think kibahina is........Really Really cute. he cares about her so MUCH??? and there’s a certain tenderness to his interactions with her that’s just really evident whenever you see em together? i really love that you get the sense hinata is COMFORTABLE around him!!! like! i feel like hinata really deserves to have a partner who sees her when she ISN’T blushing and stammering? when she’s like? legitimately comfortable and being HERSELF? (dgmw the blushing is adorable i fucking love her but its one of the gripes i have with naruhina that so much of it is just naruto being oblivious and her having a small panic attack) the comfort she and kiba have make for a chill, adorable relationship i just cry over constantly A BROTP I have with said character: so i was GONNA put naruto here, but technically i already put him there for shikamaru’s so i’m gonna say neji!!! uhhh OBVIOUSLY they got off to a. very rough start but the way their dynamic changed (or perhaps in a way reverted back to the times they interacted before neji’s father died and temporarily killed his Human Decency) into this respect and fondness that’s just...such a delight to watch? i’m a SUCKER for slow and mutual reconciliation and there are just so many sweet moments between them. they are FAMILY, BRO!!! THEY CARE FOR EACH OTHER, BRO!!!!!!!!!! A NOTP I have with said character: ...at the risk of sounding like a broken record, i think a lot of hinata ships are quite cute? i guess i’m gonna have to say sasuke. because like.

has. he ever even looked at her. please. jesus christ. she deserves so much better. A random headcanon: she is a LOT physically stronger than she looks!! a lot of her combat techniques rely on taijustu after all so it’d make sense that she puts a lot of effort into physical training alongside chakra control.

i’m trying to say she’s strong. not as strong as sakura but. she can lift her bf up over her head (he’s dying hes dying he’s dYING he lOVES HER SO MUCH). it’s pretty fuckign badass

General Opinion over said character: i LOVE her??? honest to god i really really do--honestly while i dislike the direction they went in canon with her, i really loved seeing her be motivated to grow and change the parts of herself she hated to become a stronger person.

that and she’s so fucking cute and sweet and i just??????? bless her honestly.

[bisexualgendryas]

gendrya + jonsa au: bastard lords and hidden ladies (part 1)

so, this is very much not the whoooole concept as I practically just switch from Cat!Arya to Alayne!Sansa (this post is basically just Gendrya + Alayne!Sansa, sorry, not even written Jonsa, but I promise the full concept includes happy married!Jonsa (two versions, too, lol)), but I am tired af whilst simultaneously being really pumped that ppl wanted to see this idea so here’s (much of) the longass outline of the thing I posted about earlier:

au wip, a legitimized-boys, secret-identity-sisters canon divergence piece, where: Stannis becomes king (and keeps Gendry alive), Arya accepts Jaqen’s offer to work for a courtesan and Gendry finds her while on business for the Crown, Jon gets legitimized after taking Ramsay down, and Baelish makes a betrothal for Alayne to Gendry that she later basically manipulates Stannis into changing into one with Jon after Gendry and his true love ditched the whole ass crownlands. It’s got a lot of book plot overlap too but I have no true concept of the timeline in terms of when different canon events happened. If you want more of this or have ideas or anything, feel free to share them!

Instead of Gendry having to escape from Stannis, Shireen finds out that her father’s found a cousin of hers - a true one, not one of Cersei’s bastards but one of her uncle’s - and especially with pressure from both her and Davos, Stannis ultimately decides he’ll keep Gendry alive, have him taught to behave properly, how to manage lordly duties, and so on.

Jaqen realizes that Arya may not be perfectly cut out for being Faceless, and makes her an offer - that he could find her employment of a different sort. As he’s noted, she’s taken by the allure of the courtesans, whose jobs include far more than just the sexual duties shared by those who work in brothels.

At first, Arya insists she can get better, but then Mercy!Arya ends up becoming friends with a girl who works on one courtesan’s ship, and after hearing many stories about how the women play instruments and tell stories and sing songs, she decides that perhaps it wouldn’t be the worst thing to try out. She talks to Jaqen, tucks Needle in a belt, and makes friends with Mercy’s friend with her own face, as Cat, and then the friend convinces the courtesan that Cat’s a charming young woman who should come work with them.

Stannis first loses at the Blackwater, but then with assistance from the Iron Bank and much of Westeros, as well as some more magic, he later manages to topple Tommen and take the Throne.

Needing to be sure of where the Crown stood with their Essosi allies, Stannis sends Gendry and Davos to Braavos to speak with the Iron Bank. As the Starks were always so keen to remind everyone, winter was coming.

And, ahem, the men sent with Gendry and Davos certainly intend to as well. And, only naturally, after a couple nights of well-enjoyed brothel trips, some of them decide they all ought to take advantage of their being in Essos and seek out some renowned courtesan as well - they had Westerosi lords and knights, after all, one of whom was in line for the bloody Iron Throne! Surely someone would love to host them!

Spoiler: yes, someone absolutely would. (Especially considering that Robert had quite the reputation - not as a particularly fun partner, but definitely as a man who’d finance the purchasing of a week’s worth of alcohol in two nights and come back to bed every pretty girl an establishment had afterwards.) How many Braavosi courtesans or whores can say they were bedded or courted in any manner by the son of a Westerosi king? Not many.

Contrary to expectations, Cat ends up being one of them, though not so much while they’re in Braavos. And as sweet and reassuring as it is that her friends, her companions in training, are certain that this lord immediately realizes how pretty she is, she knows the moment that Lord Baratheon meets her eyes he can see Arya, buried deep beneath Cat, and when she speaks in response to the courtesan he and his men are visiting, he hears her as well, though she’s glad to see he’s smart enough not to have his shock blatantly on display.

After a couple visits, his men return to the brothels, the enchantment of listening to old songs more lost on them than the enjoyment of fucking - but Gendry keeps coming to the barge, even though it’s only him and his uncle’s Hand at that point, and after a couple nights of only them, trading stories with the women and listening to songs in languages that have barely been heard since Westeros’ common became, well, common, he actually asks to have time with only Cat.

And of course, the parts of them that are closest to the Arya and Gendry they once were have an awkward but heartfelt reunion - but the parts of them that have grown up are acutely aware of how different they are, how different their places are. Still, he’s not surprised she became an assassin, and she’s not surprised he doesn’t enjoy the vast majority of what’s involved in being at court. They don’t share everything, but they share quite a bit, almost falling back into the sort of friendship they’d thrived off having. On following nights they talk more about things - about Shireen, about the Hound, about the Red Woman, even a bit about King’s Landing girls and Braavosi dockworkers.

It takes a couple more nights, but after a while she decides to remind him that, while it’s not something guaranteed simply by seeking out a courtesan, he is allowed to bed her. (With permission from her employer, of course, as payment and whatnot would be arranged, but…it’s him, her friend, grown and handsome, so Arya doesn’t mind giving the suggestion.)

He asks, though, what would be the cost just to kiss her. For all the time she’s spent learning people, especially men, it’s embarrassing to be caught off guard as she is, but she manages to gather herself and say that it would depend on who he intends to be telling. She doesn’t really let him consider that, though, not the first night, because she simply does kiss him.

They don’t explicitly tell people they’ve started kissing, but they’re terrible enough at hiding their affections that they’re quickly the talk of their respective social groups. Everyone among them, and probably others who view the barge consistently, knows that he keeps coming back, after all…until their few weeks in Braavos are coming to an end, at least, Iron Bank negotiations and all other necessary business of the Crown having been handled.

But then, before Arya’s really made to think about the fact that he found her on the other side of the world and inched closer and closer to becoming a lover only to have to leave her again, Gendry asks her to leave with him. He can’t give her back her home or her family, but if nothing else they can live safely, together - and more than that, he simply wants not to leave her, ever. From what he’s said of his own family, she doesn’t imagine she’ll get a warm welcome, but she can’t stand the idea of him leaving her either, so she packs up what few belongings Cat has and says farewell to her friends, and to Braavos.

Other than the scandal of her coming with, none of the men seem to think much of her taking a place in his cabin. It’s there that he ultimately decides he’s free enough to bed her for the first time. They’ve not yet made it to King’s Landing by the time he realizes he’s completely and irrevocably in love with her.

Arya’s mainly right to think she won’t get a warm welcome; both Stannis and Selyse almost immediately denigrate Gendry for following his father’s path, the path of foolish men, for what kind of lord openly brought a whore to their castle? She’s not actually a whore, he cares to remind them, even though it stokes the fire of the fury. He has his own to match Stannis, though, and it’s clear and it’s spectacular in its own way. So, too, does Shireen - lovely, kind Shireen who’s so happy for the prospect of a friend that she again begs her father on Gendry’s behalf, and reluctantly, Stannis allows Cat to remain, with some strict guidelines, many of which Arya has no complaints about meeting.

Up North, though, Jon has heard about Arya’s marriage to Ramsay, and decides to reach out to Stannis for help on the matter, help of some sort, any sort. It’s not immediately granted, especially as Jon is already asking for Other help, but ultimately, Stannis starts to consider it. Ramsay was only ruling in the North because of a series of betrayals against those who would rightfully rule it - if the last known living child of Ned Stark, a man who died for speaking the truth of Stannis’ claim and denouncing Cersei’s bastards, was asking for help, to save his family, was it not Stannis’ duty to give it?

He does decide that having Jon as an ally is his best move, and begrudgingly he sends some troops North with Davos and Melisandre, to assist Jon’s wildlings in taking back Winterfell. The Night’s Watch doesn’t all take kindly to the Lord Commander’s priorities, but by the time mutiny drags down Jon Snow, Melisandre is in residence at Castle Black and she brings him back, having seen him at battle at Winterfell in her flames, knowing it needs to follow.

He takes Stannis’ sent men and his wildlings and begins to march south, only for a broken Theon to bring to him Sansa’s friend Jeyne, whose identity Theon had hid so that she could be believed to be Arya. The battle is hard-won, but they win it still, and Stannis gives him his father’s name for the victory, but it’s hollow.

Hollow, too, is the love promised to sweet Alayne, whose false father seeks out his best excuses to wed her to the highest bidder, a title claimed all too soon by the king and queen, part of their plan to change the behavior of the king’s nephew and part of Petyr’s plan to return to power in King’s Landing. A bastard lord for a bastard lady - to Stannis that’s like to sound fair, but to Sansa, it’s everything but. She’s learned to pay attention to whispers and rumors, and with this…Petyr intends to mold her into Cersei, it nearly seems. A Baratheon with a temper and a love, and he’d have Alayne marry him, if only to return to seeking the power of the crown. She knows he’d been speaking with Lord Bolton, which still boils her blood even now that she knows it wasn’t her sister who had been made to be his poor wife - she’d doubted it always, especially with the recollection of how Arya had once raised her own sword even to Joffrey - but he still will drag her back to residence in King’s Landing rather than let her go home…unless she can work something out with her betrothed, and perhaps she can.

Not that he intends to give her the chance, though - the moment that Stannis informs him of the betrothal is a bigger, louder fight than they’ve ever had. Stannis might be king, but he owns Gendry no more than he ever could his brothers, and Cat even less, and he won’t be allowed to forget it. There’s a ship bound for Braavos in the bay, and soldiers intended to take her to it, soldiers who are meant to grab her from Gendry’s chambers while she’s alone there and escort her so that he doesn’t get a say.

Stannis, though, doesn’t know that only some parts of any woman are soft, and Gendry’s the only man with rights to ask for any of her softness. Even without real context she knows the soldiers are only obeying their king, so Arya focuses on injury and little more, rushing down underneath the castle, down where she’d ran when Syrio had told her to do so. And, as if by magic - perhaps, actually, by magic, for she wouldn’t know - Ser Davos finds her. He takes her to a dusty corner, hands her a wine skin and one of Cat’s other dresses, and tells her to wait for him to come back…and so she does.

She waits until the entire area is getting dark, only the trail of the sun and no lanterns or sconces to show her the possible way out, and holds tight to Needle until after the sun is set and he scurries back to her, Gendry at his side, rushing to her like never before. Davos has given him clothes that once had belonged to a son of his, and grabbed them some food.

They make it out of the city on a ship manned by one of Davos’ other sons, a trade ship headed for the Riverlands - straight for Hot Pie, as far as they’re concerned. Arya might cry, in part from feeling terribly anxious and in better part because he’s so terribly kind.

Alayne and her father arrive in their carriage a few days later, to a very apologetic royal party, and Alayne spends much of her first days back in the city thinking how horribly fed up she is with men for all their machinations. Princess Shireen, though, is very clear that while it’s a pity someone was hurt by it, her cousin is deeply in love, and in their private company she calls her father foolish for thinking he could ever sway him. It’s so very Sansa of her, that Sansa herself is easily swayed to their side, though she knows Petyr is having much more difficulty accepting the rejection.

It’s all very much a lovely love story to Sansa, though, as it is to Shireen, and Alayne bonds with the princess easily. She even enjoys Shireen’s stories about this woman Cat, and finds herself wanting to know more and more, especially as she realizes that in a way she has taken the other woman’s place, just in Shireen’s life as a friend as opposed to in her cousin’s. Stannis and Selyse, though, really do stew in their displeasure. Petyr does a better job of hiding his, but she knows that’s only because his intentions are about power and not family, let alone love.

Then, one day, about a fortnight after their arrival, Stannis mentions a part of the plan she’d been unaware of, one she might be able to use.

He wanted to secure the Vale support so that he could support Jon - Jon Stark, now, newly legitimized Lord Stark, warden of the north, the man who had beaten down House Bolton but needed more of his king’s support to fight a larger, more pressing battle, one against the dead, one for the living. As Petyr says, the details make it sound like madman’s words, but King Stannis has magic on his council and more importantly, this was Jon, and Jon was…Jon. Surely if he declared that the dead could be raised by some unnatural force and made to fight the living, he was speaking the truth of it.

She confronts Petyr in private - had the Vale not already been sworn to House Stark? He disagrees, cautiously - House Arryn had been truly bound by House Tully, and Jon had no Tully to speak of.

“Jon Arryn, my uncle, fostered my father, Jon’s father. He called his banners against House Targaryen in defense of Rickard Stark and his children, and Jon is as much Ned Stark’s son as Robb or Bran or Rickon, no matter where your loyalties lie.”

“Your cousin -”

“My cousin trusts his beloved stepfather not to mislead him,” she finishes, proud that she can see in his eyes how the remark wounds him, and then she takes a walk to the godswood to get her head around her situation.

She wounds Petyr again the next day, by bringing to court a proposal of a marriage between her and Jon - she prefaces by saying that she and her father had spoken of it, just gently enough that no one would doubt her, for Lord Baelish keeps his expression so very static, his surprise just barely visible to even an educated viewer. It’s a good offer, to Stannis, and on the surface it’s good for Petyr as well, though no one would say it’s better than putting his future grandchild in the line of succession for the Iron Throne.

Stannis, though, is perhaps realizing he’s glad to have removed a contender from his line, and he’s quick enough to agree to write to Lord Stark with little more than Petyr’s confirmation that the Vale would give its strength in this war of Jon’s.

Petyr makes his displeasure known, but Sansa is sure enough that Jon will side with her that he agrees not to raise a fuss. She knows she’s made the potential error of keeping either of them from an heir, but if it allowed her to go home with her brother, she’d manage what she had to manage.

Jon, too, agrees, surprised for an offer but happy for it all the same, writing back to Stannis days before he’s actually set to leave for Dragonstone to mine dragonglass on the island, another part of their deal. Jon would remain the ever-vigilant guard of the realm, and Stannis would provide him what he needed to hold such a position well - that was how Ser Davos had said it.

They could figure out heritage when this great war was won.

[choco-style]

lately I’ve found myself mind yelling “shut the fuck up” more than usual and I don’t know who to talk to because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, I just have to wait to go to school and feel better, which is crazy because the general opinion on school is “god I hate it I just wanna go home” and that’s what I used to think too when I was in my awful 5-8 grade class

and it’s not just real life people I want to shut up, I feel like I’m getting more defensive and my favourite creators are getting called all kinds of things by people who claim to have the higher moral ground (or whatever you call it), when they themselves wish terrible things upon people who have either done nothing wrong, or who have apologized for everything they did wrong. and it’s 99% on tumblr. now I understand why no one fucking likes this site.

and I’m back again in this state where “I wanna go home” doesn’t at all refer to the actual apartment, but to a mentally happy place. and it sounds edgy when your brain says I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home please shut the fuck up

this isn’t even that bad and it’s nothing serious and I don’t know how I feel about all this I just needed to let it out and tumblr is where I can write longass “diary entries” and very few people who I care about will read them, and if someone has a problem with them I don’t give a single shit about their feelings and I hope they get the help they need to not turn into a shitty person or worse.

ive also been kinda mean??like not quite but kinda??? i dont know i just feel like i peaked and now im just kinda there. but im not even in the neutral empty doorway kind of state, its like now im in the room but idk what i wanna do and i need to pee but theres no toilet and im just there. like how dreams feel sometimes,,,,, idk aaagh

during the first 5 days of the week i look forward to the weekend because that keeps me happy and good and nice but then the weekend is the worst part of every week and i look forward to going to school, and now i wont even have this escape because this is the last week were going to school this decade and i have to breathe the same air and hear the same sounds as my family and i dont want to, i wanna go to school and be distracted and plan out my evenings and mornings when im basically alone. or something. i dont know what im talking about. i just dont want winter break. i dont wanna talk to my family when theyre all together. whenever theres even two people from my family in the same room i feel like i want to cry and i end up wishing id made plans or something, anything just to be somewhere else. 

youtube videos arent working anymore. or they are, but not really. i can block out the sound partially but i can still hear other people. and i think its normal but also fucked up. “what is?” well thanks for asking, me in “ “s, having these people argue so much is common but fucked up, having to stop whatever ur doing just to check whether or not a family member is crying, only to find out theyre laughing, is fucked up but maybe common. wanting to be home alone is common and not fucked up i think. going into a mental crisis because youre in this eternal circle of being sad - amplifying it because ur an attention whore - realising ur an attention whore - instead of stopping, u amplify THIS to feel absolutely terrible except not really because its not real or is it - now ur making urself look like the victim of realising ur not the victim. jesus fucking christ u stop thinking about it and it happens again a while later. just shut the fuck up, me. shut the fuck up. make my brain shut the fuck up,  i would literally probably cry happy tears if someone could make me shut the fuck up forever. or maybe i wouldnt but right now i feel like im gonna cry thinking about it. or its just placebo. or not placebo, the negative one. or idk. maybe i was right the first time i dont know. and now my back hurts cuz im like a little bug or whatever im just writing like. reversed arched. i dont know how to explain it lmao. i dont wanna read this thiing ever again but i most likely will! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy lol u knwo the meme thats like cmon work. idk what it was but the reference is in my brain and i feel like i could use it. and now i sound weird. well not weird im just going thru the thing i explained earlier in this thing. but i wont write abt it im just gonna not think about it bc that seems to work really well. felt the need to add ^^ as if im talking to someone or maybe making my thoughts talk to me rn like how i would talk to someone irl lmao.theyve actually been silent for a while so idk.

id title this “if im being honest” to like show im trying to get my rthoughts out with no real filtering but aaah idk. i dont wanna do it bc the title would be like. bigger and semibold and itd draw attention to  it. i want this to not be read by people but maybe someone will. i have like 2 or 3 people in mind who would maybe maybe maybe read this but i dont know. its really not anything so you shouldnt read it. maybe someone could skim this. is that how you say it. also there is some filtering of my thoughts because i dont wanna name anyone im not looking for trouble i just wanna talk into the void and feel better and maybe this is really it. i do feel kind of relaxed now. my uhhh wrists, yeah thats what theyre fcalled, they kinda hurt and my fingers dont hurt but like, the joints are very,,,accentuated? but not like visually they just. i can conciously feel them? and my throat and kinda eyes? thats bc of almost kinda crying but lol idk. and like ive always hated accentuated feelings and i read this thing on wikipedia about sensory overload and idk if its a normal thing that happens like when something stings or hurts or if its a symptom of something or i dont know but ive always kinda joked about it and its also related to tics. ticks? ticks. tics. and its not really what im feeling rn but its a thing that happens sometimes. kind of. but like when u walk up the stairs and u feel ur right leg has been doing/making more effort pushing u up than ur left leg and u try to balance out the effort and it can be hurtful i guess bc if something like an eye or arm hurts u try to balance out the pain and that can be bad dont do that but like i can do it bc i wont do it in bad scenarios. i went off track lololol sorry

this is kind of what my mind speeches and discourses look like so yeah i hope this goes unnoticed or someone notices it and i can just say nah dude im good trust me because i am i think and u should maybe probably trust me bc usually i have it better than everyone i talk to online or in real life so its fine if u trust me because its nothing to worry about really. ur precious and u desrrve more attention than whatever this thingy is. take care of yourself. the only thing ur allowed to think about this post if u read it (or not but like sure), according to my selfish brain, is that oh wow its cool that u tried mimicking (??) ur thoufhts and id be lioke yeah haha i dont even know whats wriitten in here anymroe im cool like that hahahhahahhhhhhhahha hehe hoho hihi you know. so dont feel anything else than indifference and maybe admiration. i wouldnt say the former if this were something i put thought into but it isnt so enjoy! honesty. kinda.

[swampsail]

I guess this blog is just texts posts for a while, hope that don't bother people.

Edit: JESUS this was long. I got on my laptop specifically to put a cut on this. I hope yall know how much I love you.

So I'm sitting here at 6am in the quiet, eating my breakfast and drinking yesterday's leftover coffee, trying to figure out how to take these characters I was writing and make them more... My own? More entirely my own?

This wouldn't really be an issue if they were original characters to begin with, but uh. I was writing WTNV... There were some OCs in there that I did make up, but they don't really make sense out of the context of their story, and EVERYONE'S story hinges on them living in Night Vale. :/

In the RP we went well away from the podcast's canon and just kinda did our own thing. Nothing past Strex rolling into town is the same in the RP as it is in the show. And there's... Also a robot AU that was just so damn good. (This was before the Detroit Become Gay boys. Now I probably can't touch any android story with a 10 foot pole without someone assuming it's robocop fanfic. Oh my poor robutts...)

So I put a lot (A LOT) of work into A FUCKING LOT of the characters. I started writing Carlos back when all we had were Cecil's vague descriptions, and some voicemails as recoded by Jeffrey Cranor. My Carlos is absolutely NOT the podcast's Carlos. (My Erikas turned out to be dead-on which is hilarious, but that's a different story)

I can't begin to explain how many characters I built in this RP, and to what detail, because I'd literally be here all day writing essays. But like, I think total, I wrote maybe 3 actual characters from the show? Carlos, the Erikas, and occasionally Big Rico. Everyone else I wrote was an OC, and they all had something to make them special, and they all helped drive the various plots. I had a recurring Secret Police officer, Carlos' entire team of scientists, Carlos' parents (who are actually the fucking best, fight me) a guy from Desert Bluffs who was trying to figure out how to make... basically cyborgs, more or less. For funsies I even gave Big Rico a son who was stuck in a similar situation as Jackie Fierro, because why not. But it became this whole THING that was tied into a main plot of the robot au and went well beyond “oh no I can’t age”.

Like, stuff in both the original RP and the robot au got real complex and (I think anyway) really awesome

And I feel silly for investing so much into a story that's not even mine. Why not just work on my own origial stuff? I don't know.

But also this RP went so far off canon that I feel like it IS my own stuff at this point. The only recognizable things about it are people's names, and the towns they're in. Take those away and I bet you no one would ever know what it was based off. (Except you would because of me going on about it right now)

But any of y'all familiar with wtnv know how very particular that town is. So you might understand why, once these characters and these stories are removed from the town, there's no more catalyst for weird shit to happen. And the weird shit is not necessarily the main driving factor, but it IS usually the thing that initially kicks off each plot

If I take everyone out of Night Vale and try to somehow work this into an original thing, I don't know how well it would hold up. Like. Sure there's a way to replace the weirdness, I just don't know how without making it totally recognizable. I don't know if I'd be doing some gross, weird fan thing. I don't know if it'd be kinda desperate/pathetic on my part.

I've frequently mentioned to the (ex)writing partner that I'd wanted to just make it our own thing, but at best I've gotten "yeah maybe one day when we're done with all our ideas for this", or "but I can't think of how though, lol"

I've mentioned different ideas on it several times. Things that could potentially take this away from being essentially a really complicated fanfic. But those have been ignored or dismissed, and so out of frustration I stopped suggesting things, and now I don't remember what any of it is

Hurg. I don't know. Would I even actually work on this thing by myself? Probably not.

Anyway sorry for yet another longass post. I really need to stop doing this on mobile

[gonebyionnalee]

this is a big longass (i’m talking more than 2000 words) serious post so sorry mobile users and content warning for child sexual abuse etc

okay so for context i don’t know how many people were active in the same communities as me 3? 4/5? years ago on here but long story short there was a trans woman called whitney (mentioning she’s trans because it becomes relevant later since i want to talk about why the trans community at large is terrible with this kind of subject) who was well known and popular, to cut to the point she turned out to be a pedophile who groomed multiple underaged people (mostly women and trans men) like between 13 - 15 as a grownass adult and sexually harassed a few other people of various (including legal) ages. also had rape allegations attached to her name which obviously you can’t quantify with facebook chat screenshots but you know not going to suddenly get flakey about rape charges against somebody who is quite literally grooming children

her url was purplefridge and the medium for getting her expunged from the community was callout posts because let’s be real if you have concrete evidence that somebody has attempted to groom/molest you and they’re active on tumblr, you’re going to post about it on tumblr. i’ve had to do that, multiple people have had to do that on here, in a self governing online community that is largely how things are going to happen. if people want to see the posts just go into tagged/purplefridge but also somebody for whatever reason posted a dick in that tag years ago so um you know. look out for that

and in moments after that largely she joked about it and tried to cover her ass by telling people (notably people i’m friends with) that it wasn’t that bad but after the like 4th or 5th post she hightailed it, deleted her blog and sent multiple people (talking in the 10′s and 20′s here) the same copypaste cookie cutter apology and in the years after that she managed to continue life as normal on twitter, still active in the soundcloud/furry/trans communities as if nothing had happened and cultivating social clout like a normal human with the @ polistae

i’d wanted to tell people in the past (2ish years ago) that she was that person, and just because somebody seemingly isn’t doing that now, doesn’t mean they aren’t a rapist and child abuser. the event is a large black mark on my brain and despite never having been in direct contact with her (mutual friends is how we knew each other and while i was underaged at the time she didn’t groom me), the feeling of having to cut people out of your life because, for whatever reason, they decided to remain friends with somebody who is quite literally once again a rapist and child abuser because “i have hope she’ll change” or “she told me it wasn’t that bad” or “i want to keep an eye on her” is quite literally vomit enduing. whenever i tried tweeting about it i felt like my head was going to explode (i did tell her to kill herself in traffic at one point though which was gratifying). like when people know incredibly personal things about you and your history with child sexual violence and rape during your teenage years, yeah, that hurts lol

and for whatever reason the topic of her existing and being a piece of shit came up semi recently (this week), a friend of mine linked to the posts on here for context and we had a back and forth in the replies (as she did with other people who were there and had to deal with it) and it gets a few notes from people who are disgusted (you know like any human with basic morals would be) then flash forward a few days later some hack furry soundcloud musician who makes DJ paypal ripoffs is screenshotting our tweets and encouraging people to dogpile us because we’re ~problematic~ or whatever (for context i did make a joke about soundcloud trannies but literally if you’re focusing your energy on a trans woman saying a word that she’s allowed to use and unbothered by the literal rapist you are clearly, utterly, brain dead) and then gets in my mentions and starts accusing me of a multitude of different things as to why i’m talking about something i happened to see somebody else talking about it like i suddenly made the decision to bring up something from four years ago for fun like. literally not expunging the energy with a limit of 280 characters or less having to coddle a grown adult man who needs to be told that “rape and child abuse is bad and not something that stops being abhorrent after 4 years”

and while not directly interacting with me, i had to see tweets from various people calling it “bringing up past drama” and the whole deluge into people changing and it being outright lies etc

and it’s just

like i really can’t fucking stand how idiotic some people are about this subject which i guess is why i’m writing the nihon shoki of child sex abusers here. like people calling things like this purely because it happened through tumblr as a medium “callout culture” like no fucking shit they made a giant post about it, it’s the fastest way to get somebody out of a community with hard evidence. 13 - 15 year olds coming forward about being literally groomed by a pedophile is in no way comparable to people making posts about people doing things they personally find objectionable. like, literally if somebody is a rapist and child sex abuser to boot, why would it stop being a relevant fact about them after 4 years? why shouldn’t it be public knowledge be it tumblr post or not? i don’t see you calling for the abolition of sex offenders registers so why are you harassing people for bringing up the fact that somebody just migrated communities and tried to obscure the fact she is, again, quite literally a rapist and a pedophile

and like i mentioned before in the first paragraph that’s about 3 miles away now, there’s a specific problem with this in LGBT online communities (not gonna talk about furries because let’s be real as a community they’re responsible for god not talking to us anymore) specifically transgender. like i see so much of this stuff from trans women specifically defending other trans women because they believe they’re infallible except only when confronted by other trans women. like i remember a while ago i think it was aquila talking about sexual harassment from a trans woman and some bitch tried to accuse her of “contributing to the stereotype that trans women are sex abusers perpetrated by cis people” like ????

it’s impossible to have a serious discussion about sex abuse and assault in the trans community because, at large, the community has a problem with sanctimonious white women who’re only friends with other sanctimonious white women (i’m mentioning race despite being white myself because i mean it like a lot of them are racist even if they don’t know it and talk too much about things they shouldn’t but do anyway because they think being trans puts them at the very bottom of some kind of hypothetical social ladder). like somebody comes forward with a story about sexual harassment from a specific person who happens to be trans and you get a bunch of Those People talking about them perpetuating stereotypes despite this being a literal event that happened to them

same with the whitney thing like we (small friend group of mine) were talking about it in our group chat and then some trans woman who was apart of it just up and leaves and today, we see he having a laugh and a jape with her like she didn’t find out hours before that the person she’s friends with is a rapist.

firsthand i’ve seen a lot of things from trans women who think that they’re untouchable because they have the label of “trans woman” and fall back on that as a get out of jail free card like they can’t be racist or classist or even themselves be criticised for sexual misconduct

and the sexual misconduct thing is literally perpetuated like a normal thing like all of those posts that get circulated around about how all trans women flirt with each other and share nudes like, no, if i don’t know you and you try to talk to me like that you’re a creep and need to fuck off. like a lot of my friends who’re trans women have experiences with people they don’t know trying to share nudes or outright start aggressively flirting

like i’m aware this is kind of all over the place towards the end and it might be hard to understand if you’re not apart of the trans community or you’re trans and haven’t experiences this yourself firsthand or been told by others about similar things but, really as a community we have a problem with allowing people who don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about lead discussions about identity politics and also thinking that people who’re sexual harasses ranging from “just doesn’t know what appropriateness is” to “preys on minors” to “literal rapist” walk free and interact with people like a normal human because of weird belies that only other trans women are allowed to confront other trans women about things they do (and also as much as i hate to say it some people like the people on mine and my friends cases the other day, just don’t care and consider anybody bringing stuff up from the past or because it happened on tumblr drama-whores or whatever)

like another example is during the whole dog mom escapade (yes the woman who wanted to fuck dogs and her girlfriend who dated somebody in the past who fucked a dog, and regularly interacted with her gf’s blog about wanting to fuck dogs) i had people try to accuse me of using her trans status to get people to (heh) dogpile on her and somebody go on a “you shouldn’t bring this stuff up to a crowd of largely cis people because people have a habit of persecuting minorities moreso than people with privilege and people might mock her for being trans!” rant at me to which i just responded with “i don’t care”. like she wants to fuck dogs nobody cares if she has a dick or not they just want her away from them because she wants to fuck dogs. this isn’t complex.

like, again as a community, we really need to do better. and outside of that back to the original epoch of this longass post, what the fuck is wrong with people (both cis and trans) who’re willing to excuse literal rape and child sexual abuse because it happened a while ago or because they have some perverse sense of loyalty to an online friend

and again sorry to kind of just. write a herculean passage of text and i know the stuff about the trans community failing in regards to that in mine and others experiences maybe might be hard to follow if you aren’t aware of what i’m talking about (maybe? we’ll see) but yeah i’ve had this on my mind for a while. having to see people excuse that kind of shit and outright try to start drama with you and others is, obviously, very strenuous

idk i feel being gay/trans exposes you to a lot of angels but also a lot of terrible people, online communities that’re self governed can go to shit incredibly fast if somebody with enough social notoriety is crafty enough (case in point monetizeyourcat) and enough people are willing to take their side for whatever obtuse reasons 

also i checked there’s literally around 2000 words here so again thank you if you read the whole thing and i’m sorry for the really fucking grim subject matter that seems to crop up a fucking lot in online communities, but again, lot of thoughts, this is a way to expunge them from my head so i can go play dangan ronpa without having a literal dark cloud over me. blessed thursdays everyone <3

[somethingsohappily]

So this is going to be long, sorry if you’re on mobile and can’t escape my longass posts. There was a post the other day about how much things change in a year, and I guess I kind of wanted to actually talk about that? I feel like it’s one of those ‘new years’ topics, but i don’t really care cause it’s my blog. 

I guess, holy wow, things change a lot in a year? A year ago i had just moved into this apartment, which was my first time living alone and not with roommates. I’d come out of yet another unhealthy roommate situation, which thankfully was less damaging to me than the first one (I think you just learn how to put your guard up after the first time). I still had my old car with its 5million problems that I should have honestly just sold. I had just been ‘officially’ hired on as real staff (doing the exact same job as I’d been doing for two years but as americorps) at my job. I had also just started roller derby and had fucked up my knee real bad (WHO REMEMBERS THAT). I’d also started things with my ex, though it was that awkward ‘unofficial maybe we should talk about our feelings at some point’ thing. It’d been a year since my kiddo passed and I finally felt like the worst was behind me. And it just felt like a lot was happening all at once, and I think i finally kind of felt like maybe I was an adult. (I recognize I’ve been an adult for a while now but i guess sometimes I forget/it doesn’t feel like it) 

And I guess I feel even more like an adult than I did, and I think unfortunately i came out of things a little sadder, and maybe a little quieter? But i guess a lot happened. Living alone has been great, though I’m ready to move on from this city and this apartment. I have a new car, which has been amazing, and im not scared that it’ll breakdown on the freeway. Work is going, I’ve learned a lot and exhausted myself. I’ve kind of hit the burnout point which is the main reason i want to leave sooner than later, just cause it’s not fair to the kiddos if my hearts less in it. I’ve learned a lot about what i don’t want to do, and what I do, and im mostly ready for a change. I had to quit roller derby because work was too much and i couldn’t commit, it’s a real bummer and its something i hope to one day go back to. I’ve went to the gym a lot more this last year though and that’s been pretty regular, which is big for me. My gf and i broke up, which has been a really emotional thing that I’m getting over. It taught me a lot about myself and what i need and deserve in a partner, and if anything im hopeful for the future and meeting someone that will treat me better. It’s still been rough going, which everyone kind of witnessed with the whole ‘blog deleting’ thing. We lost another kid, which makes a loss of four within a two year span. That’s been rough too, and I don’t think there will ever be a time where that feels normal, even if it is ‘part of the field’. 

While I wouldn’t say this year was the worst. October 2015 basically was enough that it ruined all of 2015, and 2013-2014 were the worst years for me in terms of mental health and my emotional state. (like if you think i’ve been low lately, nothing beats how awful i felt at that point in my life) I’d say that this past year has been up there with a lot of heavy stuff and just a lot of learning? It hasn’t been 100% awful, though some awful things happened, but I guess it just felt heavy in a lot of ways? I feel like I’ve matured a lot from it, and it just made me feel quieter because it felt like i was having to spend a lot of time alone dealing with myself. I guess a lot of people have been there, but even just the fact I had to come home to an empty apartment, and that I spend hours alone daily driving, it just felt like I was very in my head a lot of this year. 

I guess, we’re about to hit fall again and things are changing. I’m hoping the remainder of 2017 is kind to me, and everyone. I also hope that by this time next year I feel a lot lighter and less tired, and that I keep working on taking care of myself, because I think that’s probably what I need to keep doing. Also you know, letting people in that care about me, because i’ve kind of realized i can’t be in my head this much forever and people care about me apparently and don’t want me to deal with everything alone either. Weird. 

[chazzfox]

When It’s Love: Chapt 2

Chapter 2!! I took a long time and I’m sorry for anyone who might have read the first post and wondered. I like to sleep, basically, oops.

Most of day found them walking along the beach. It was too cold to swim as Yuri had said, but the view was wonderful and the sounds the waves made lulled them into a sort of peace as they walked. At first they didn't talk much to each other. They'd dropped off their skates at the room and gotten some snacks, but it was very much in silence. It didn't change much as they walked and Otabek took in the sea.

To be able to just be comfortably silent with someone was a good thing. Otabek was very quiet with most everyone, but a lot of the time the other party would fill the air with their own voice. His buddies back home sure did it. They were louder than hell and often left his head throbbing. He'd much rather listen to music and and the sounds of a party he was DJing than their out of control mouths always talking tough and trying to be impressive.

Tiresome was more like it.

Yuri's quiet made him happy. So did watching his blonde hair in the breeze off the ocean, and looking at those determined eyes, lost in thought. Otabek was so happy to be with him there, for real, and not over  video call. Already the first day was going by so fast. A couple of weeks still lay before them and he felt like it would slip by before he knew it.

"I like to come down here late at night," Yuri said suddenly. Otabek said nothing in response but looked at him, prompting him to speak again. "No one else is around. I mean...sometimes I take Makkachin out with me, if he's up and doesn't feel like being in the bed with the assholes. But other than that I come down here alone."

"What do you do when you're out here alone?"

"Think, throw shells, that's about it." Yuri shrugged. "It's my escape so I don't feel cooped up and go batshit."

Otabek raised an eyebrow. "Batshit?"

Yuri nodded. "We haven't been here in town long, I know, but sometimes it all feels like too much, like I'm going to need to scream or yell. I get frustrated even when I know I shouldn't."

"At what?"

"I don't really know. Sometimes I think too much and I feel really pissed off. I don't even have a lot to be mad about. I won gold, Viktor still choreographed my program, Grandpa's doing really good." He shrugged and pulled his black hoodie up to hide his head.

"Mmm." It made Otabek worry, but he wasn't going to say that. Such anger wasn't good for Yuri. But what could he really say when he didn't understand it? "I think too much sometimes too," he admitted, because he could identify with that to a point. "But I don't get mad."

"No?" Yuri looked at him.

He shook his head. "No. I get irritated, and then I kind of don't care. I drop the effort to care."

"Ah..."

Otabek frowned. "Sorry. I know it makes little sense. I keep most things and people at a distance because to actually care takes more energy than I have."

"No, it kind of makes sense," Yuri said. "I don't totally get it, but it does take a lot of energy to give a fuck. I know I get mad because I care about whatever, I care in a way that I end up angry. Um..."

Otabek shrugged. "That makes sense too." He got where Yuri was going, and was happy to hear him talk about himself openly. There were times Yuri was still a questionmark...and Otabek knew he himself was too. He didn't like to give too much away. He liked keeping himself locked in, away from others. Others induced anxiety and pains he'd rather not deal with.

"Okay. Cool."

"Haha."

"I like talking to you," Yuri said quietly, and he didn't look over. He looked down at the beach as he walked.

Otabek looked at the beach as well, watching shell after shell slope down into the wet sand. He'd spend all the time he could with just Yuri if it was possible. He'd walk that beach with him as long as he was permitted. "I like talking to you too."

When they returned in the evening after more walking and finally more conversation, Viktor invited them to dinner with Yuuri's parents. Yuri hesitated, but ended up saying no. He then thought to ask Otabek if that was okay and it was. Otabek wasn't entirely sure he felt like meeting Yuuri's family right at that moment, not until he felt more settled in and rested and had at least a little willpower to share his precious time with Yuri.

To the room they went with a request for Yuuri to bring up some dinner. One in the room Yuri went down to shorts again and grabbed his phone, sitting back on the bed. Otabek felt like that was the best option. All they'd done that day was skate a little and go for a longass walk, and it was still only early evening, but he felt tired. Travel lag had caught up with him more than he had realized.

He grabbed his laptop out of his bag and moved to his side of the bed with it, opening it up. Immediately Yuri looked over. "Watcha doin?"

"I have no idea. Just relaxing, maybe I'll check some blogs."

"We should watch a movie," Yuri suggested. "I mean there's a television in the living room, but this would be easier.

Otabek agreed. "Yea, if you want. You don't mind being cooped up in here with me?" he asked, knowing the answer but wanting to make sure.

"Why would I? I invited you here, so I want you around." He scooted over right next to Otabek, pressed against his side. "Let's find a movie. Something with action or..."

"Talking animals?" Otabek finished for him.

Yuri nodded. Otabek set about searching and found an animated movie about cats. He'd never seen it and it wasn't his style but Yuri's eyes had lit up so they selected it. It was a short adventure movie. It was okay. Otabek wouldn't have cared for it if he saw it alone. Seeing it alone would have meant Yuri wouldn't curl up against him again, letting his hair fall against Otabek's shoulder as he laughed at something on the screen. He made a few comments to point out inconsistencies in the film or factual errors. At one point Otabek gave him shit for being so relentless on a movie he seemed to otherwise enjoy.

He got a light kick in the leg.

When it ended Otabek inwardly panicked. What were they supposed to do next? The night before he had gotten in and fallen asleep almost right away. The day was filled with simple pleasures, but not they were in a 'lull' of time before either one would sleep again and he worried too much time to do nothing would make Yuri decide he didn't really want him around. The fear had hit him so suddenly that his mouth went dry as he watched the credits roll.

"Aaaah, that was good," Yuri said, stretching out next to him and sitting up straight. "We never got dinner, did we?"

"No. Maybe it's not ready yet?"

"Nah, it's definitely ready," Yuri said. He turned and climbed off the bed, doing another stretch that involved bending one leg up behind him. Otabek was always impressed by his flexibility. "I'll go get us food, and then we should take a bath."

"Uh..."

"In the onsen!" Yuri said quickly, his cheeks turning scarlet. "It's really comfortable. You'll love it!"

"OH!" Otabek laughed with great relief and then immediately felt bad about whatever message that probably conveyed. "Oh. It just came off so random."

"Yea," Yuri said as he relaxed and started to laugh too. "I guess that's not something that people just say to each other often."

"Not so much, no." Otabek stood up from the bed. "Actually the onsen sounds nice. I've used one before, but with my coach and it, er, wasn't relaxing." No, it wasn't, because the entire time he got what counted as a lecture about taking care of his body.

"You'll love this one. Sometimes Viktor still shows up naked but...then he gets in the water and just kind of zones out even if Yuuri is there. When he would flirt with Yuuri before he'd stand around a lot with his dick out. It was horrible," Yuri said, covering his eyes for a second and then laughing again.

Otabek shuddered. "You poor soul," he said with half real sympathy and half mocking.

"Don't, asshole." Yuri shook a finger at him. "I'm gonna get us food," he said, going out the door.

He returned with some noodle dishes that they wolfed down. Otabek hadn't realized how hungry he was and once again he was struck too by how good the food was. He knew that meant the next evening he'd have to join Yuuri's family for dinner. He couldn't scarf down their food without at least telling them how excellent it was.

Once they were finished up it was onsen time. Yuri led him to get an appropriate towel. He had grabbed soap and shampoo for both of them from his own things as well. Otabek wasn't picky about the products he used at that time. Yuri took him downstairs and they headed for a nice night soak. There were some guests about but securing a more private bath was easier, as Yuri led him to the space that Viktor and Yuuri tended to enjoy.

They stopped first to strip their clothes, which Otabek did easily. He didn't think it'd be anything at all for Yuri, who had been there before and certainly stripped in front of Yuuri and Viktor. Or he probably did anyway. But he noticed, Yuri hesiated. He looked at Otabek, eyes wide, and then turned away.

Otabek raised an eyebrow but still played it off as modesty. When Yuri was nude they sat down on the offered stools to quickly wash themselves. Otabek couldn't help but look at Yuri and laugh at the way he was covered in suds. "Clean enough?"

"Uh...yea...this happens sometimes."

Otabek took a brave step and reached to playfully shove at Yuri. His hand slid along his wet arm and he got a fist full of soap. "Weirdo."

"Yea yea shut up," Yuri said, growling and immediately going to rinse himself off.

Otabek shook his head. "You look like a damn sheep, not a tiger."

"Shut up!"

Once they had washed, Otabek wandered over to enter the hot water. He was supposed to use his towel for modesty but no one else was around and he didn't care if Yuri saw his ass. It was JUST his ass, after all. And maybe he hoped he would look.

"No modesty, huh? Are you trying to take after Viktor?"

Otabek looked over his shoulder to see Yuri, who had carefully covered himself up. "I don't see the point from the wash area to the bath."

"Mm. I guess that's true." Yuri entered the water right after him and the two found a nice spot to settle down right next to a statue and a few plants. "Oh man. This is the most relaxed I've been in here like...ever," he commented.

Otabek felt his entire body just settle into the water, a sense of comfort and peace completely washing over him. He'd been in there what, a minute? Already it was amazing. He sighed and sank down more. "Mmmm."

Yuri did the same as him. He seemed like perhaps he wanted to talk more. However, he didn't, he just stayed next to his friend and again pressed his side to him. They each had their towels on their heads and there was absolutely no barrier between them but that didnt stop Yuri from sitting ever closer with their hips and thighs pressed almost flush.

If that was the way it was, he had no desire to fight it. Otabek let himself lean against Yuri too. They sat in silence for a long time and Otabek felt he could fall asleep in there. He was starting to drift off when he felt a twitch beside him and a small sound.

While he had successfully fought off a nap, poor Yuri hadn't been so lucky. His face had drooped dangerously close to the water and his eyes were closed. His breathing was deep. He looked so vulnerable and sweet and Otabek hated to wake him up. He had to. Falling asleep in a hot pool of water was generally an awful idea even if the onsen was probably regularly checked.

He separated himelf from his friend and started to stand, then shifted to sit on the edge of the onsen. He put his hands on Yuri's shoulders and gently shook. "Hey, hey, wake up. Can't sleep in here, come on."

Slowly, Yuri came to. He made a small questioning noise and opened his eyes, lifting his head. He turned to the side and came face to crotch with Otabek, his eyes suddenly widening. Otabek silently cursed himself as his cheeks went red. He kind of hadn't thought any of that through. He hurriedly dropped the towel down to cover himself.

"S-sorry," Otabek managed.

Yuri stared at the towel and then lifted his eyes to Otabek. "Not the first time I've seen a dick in here," he mumbled and reached for Otabek. Once Otabek offered his hand, Yuri took it and hauled himself up, dropping his towel down as well. "I didn't know I was tired. We didn't do that much."

"We skated and took a long walk," Otabek replied as they started to make their way out. He wondered if the onsen should have been more of an 'experience', but he got hat he wanted from it - and then some. He was still embarrassed by having his junk right at Yuri's eye level.

Yuri shrugged. "That's not much. Really, it isn't. Maybe it was overexcitement."

"Overexcitement?"

The blonde didn't answer. He just escorted Otabek back to get dried off and dressed, at which point they were briefly nude around each other again. And Otabek couldn't help himself then, noticing Yuri's body a little. He especially noticed his legs. He attributed it to being a skater thing. Of course he would notice legs and ass! But he looked at his back and shoulders too. His skin was perfect, unmarred, and looked soft.

They changed into their night clothes again and went to the bedroom. Yuri looked even more exhausted and went right to the bed to flop down on his stomach. "Ugh."

"Still tired?" Otabek asked, approaching slowly. He gathered up his phone and sat on the bed.

"Mmmm. I was semi-tired last night, but too happy to sleep. I feel worn out tonight."

"Uh, are you okay?"

"Better than okay. But exhausted." He buried his face in his pillow.

Otabek thought for a moment before reaching over to place his hand on Yuri's back. He wanted to see if his friend tensed up; he didn't. Otabek began to lightly rub his back, feeling his hand slide smoothly over his predictably soft skin. He used light pressure on him, inching up a little to squeeze the back of his neck lightly. His fingers brushed Yuri's soft hair.

Intimacy, that's what it was. He wondered if it was okay. Would Yuri find it all too weird? Otabek once again found himself lost in his thoughts, which was frustrating. Was that going to be most of his trip? Was he just going to obsessively think about Yuri and how he was supposed to talk to and touch him at every turn and also wonder how Yuri would feel about it all? Then he would just be anxious the whole trip, which was exhausting. He just didn't know everything that he felt and what was okay.

His mind was a twisted puzzle and he had no idea how to start with the pieces. But he did know Yuri would help him place them, eventually.

As he thought that he heard a light snore trail up from the pillow. His wildcat was asleep again. Maybe his thoughts bothered him as well and that was why he was so tired...in a way, Otabek sure hoped so. He wanted to know Yuri was struggling with the same thoughts but maybe he had them figured out a bit more.

He needed guidance.

He rubbed his back a little more before laying down on his own, staring at the ceiling. At his own home, he could puzzle things out at his own pace and then escape, where he would go back to feeling anxious and impatient until their next call or round of texts. But still he could back off for a bit. There, in Yu-Topia, he couldn't, and perhaps he needed that push.

Otabek rolled on his side and watched Yuri for a few moments as he slept. He wished he would wake up so they could talk. Despite feeling tired before the bath he didn't feel sleepy. Morning couldn't come soon enough, and he regretfully accepted he had to try to nod off.

Sleep came for him eventually, after a night of confusing dreams. Yuri was in all of them, he was right there, but for whatever reason Otabek was afraid. He was afraid to talk to him, look at him, interact with him at all even though Yuri was persistent. The dreams bordered on nightmares. And what was perhaps most frustrating was that he was aware each dream was in fact just that, a DREAM. Still he was powerless in his sleep.

So, when Otabek found himself being poked awake, he didn't fight it for even a second. His eyes flew open to reveal Yuri leaning over him, poking his face like an impatient feline. "Hey, you slept for a while, get the fuck up," Yuri told him.

"Eh?" was the groggy response Otabek gave him.

"I've been up for a bit now. Already had to deal with Viktor. He brought us tea and wants us to go out shopping with them soon."

Otabek looked past Yuri to the table where two small cups sat waiting for them. Good, he could use some tea. But shopping? "Do we have to go?"

"Not really, but..." Yuri sat up, getting to his knees on the bed. "I want to get you something."

"Huh? Why?" Otabek asked, pulling himself up.

"Because this place has awesome fashion, and you should wear some of it. I love your leather jacket but let's get you a cool shirt or some less plain fingerless gloves."

"I like plain," Otabek whined. It was true! He liked some patterns sometimes, but he didn't like to dress too outlandishly.

Yuri rolled his eyes. "I know. Let me get you something anyway. Won't you want a souvenir?"

"Well sure but you don't have to..." He wasn't going to regularly wear anything Yuri got him even if he felt guilty about it. Those sort of patterns weren't really him even if they looked adorable on Yuri. Too adorable.

As he thought that, a hand closed around his wrist and Yuri was hauling him off the bed. "Don't start that. I want to get you something, so when you leave you have something from this trip..." He let go of his wrist once Otabek had accompanied him to the table, picking up his cup. "I mean unless..."

Otabek picked up his own cup, sighing and shaking his head because he knew exactly where that statement was about to go. "I'm gonna want to remember the trip. Why would you think otherwise?"

Yuri shrugged silently and worked on his tea. His cheeks were slightly pink.

"Yuri...?" Otabek turned his head, concern growing in his chest. He couldn't understand why Yuri would suddenly wonder if he wanted to remember the trip. There was no reason for the mood to take a dip the way it did. Yuri was confident and pushed for what he wanted, he didn't suddenly get sad over an idea.

At that moment there was a knock on the door and then it swung open. Viktor stood there, looking dressed for the day in his super nice jeans and a purple and white striped shirt. "Hey, you two almost ready? I - Oooh." His gaze found Otabek. "You JUST got out of bed, didn't you?"

"Yes," Otabek said, looking at Viktor briefly before his gaze returned to Yuri. "I won't take long to get ready."

"Mmm well Yuuri and I are ready now. Tell you what, how about we all meet up in town? Yuri, you know your way around, right?" Viktor asked, directing his attention to the blonde.

Yuri looked up slowly from his tea, blinking at Viktor. The pink faded and his eyes narrowed. "Yes. Of course! I found my way here in the first place without anyone's guidance, or did you forget?"

"Don't make fun of my memory," Viktor pouted.

With a shrug Yuri sipped from his cup before replying. "We'll be fine. I'll take him to a bakery and then we'll find you."

"Oooh, breakfast date!" Viktor did a little hop and clapped his hands together briefly.

Otabek nearly dropped his cup. "Uh what?"

"Stop being such a big dumb gay, Viktor." Yuri nearly slammed down his teacup and stomped over to Viktor, kicking his leg. "Get the hell out and just let us get ready!" Then he shoved him.

With a shout of surprise Viktor started backing off. "Ah! Stop kicking me! Why do you always kick? Ah!" Viktor scrambled backwards out of the room and Otabek couldn't help feel amused at the way he almost fell over.

When he was gone, Yuri slammed the door shut, which Otabek wasn't sure was a good idea with the way those things were constructed. He didn't really know, though. Yuri paused against the door, and then turned around. He was pink again. "Sorry about him."

Even if he was groggy, still confused about Yuri's reaction before, and just totally thrown off, Otabek couldn't help a snort of laughter. He shook his head. "No, no it's okay. That was...fun to watch."

"Me kicking out Viktor?"

Otabek took a sip of his tea finally. It was really good. "Yea. That was great. It's kinda nice to see someone knock him down once in a while," he admitted.

Yuri looked at him and his gaze held...something else. Something he hadn't seen before. It was loaded with admiration and affection. He was taken totally by surprise. After a few seconds Yuri finally spoke. "We really were meant to be best friends."

Their breakfast date was wonderful, honestly. And it was kind of a date. Otabek just accepted it and tried not to feel nervous. Yuri had brought him down the street from the onsen to a little bakery that didn't have great signage and he would have just walked right by if he hadn't been escorted inside. It was quaint. Old.

The cakes and cupcakes looked wonderful and tasty, and some things had already sold out for the day because it was late in the morning. As it clearly had very little staff, that meant certain things would not be replaced.

Regardless, there was plenty for the two to pick from. They each opted for a couple of cream buns, Otabek choosing the strawberry and red bean. He thought it might taste pretty strange but it was delicious and he finished the first one within moments of them seating themselves at a very small table.

He sat across from Yuri, looking around at all the cat decor in the place. Of course his friend had chosen that bakery. His friend who had crumbs all over his face as he worked on his sweet cream cheese bun and had his hand on something else that looked flaky and chocolate. Otabek just sort of paused and watched him, a big smile on his face that was only for Yuri. He was awful cute, going to town on that bun like that.

Yuri took a big bite and chewed, suddenly looking up at Otabek. "Whaf youf smiling thfor?" he asked, mouth full of bun.

"You. You're making a damned mess," Otabek replied. "You're talking with your mouth crammed full too," he said, and took a bite of his own bun.

Yuri shrugged, chewed, and swallowed. "Some manners are overrated. I didn't show you all the food in my mouth, so it's fine. Besides, you can't talk!"

Since his mouth was full of bun, Otabek decided not to be a hypocrite and waited until he swallowed to react. "Eh?"

To his surprise, Yuri leaned forward and smeared his thumb over the corner of Otabek's mouth. "Strawberry," he said so casually and when he brought his red thumb back he stuck it in his own mouth and tasted it. "Yum!"

Wasn't that kind of a weird thing for his friend to do? Otabek wasn't sure. Maybe it was some foreign custom Yuri had picked up in his travels. "Ah, thanks."

"Yea, yea. That was good, maybe I should get one..."

"You haven't even started on your chocolate one! Can you really eat another pastry?"

Yuri rolled his eyes. "Of course. I can eat a lot, try me. And unlike the pig, I'm not going to become a fatty because I know how to exercise."

"I can't even imagine you with weight," Otabek admitted. Yuri was kind of tiny, though he wasn't finished growing even at sixteen. "I don't care, get one if you want."

"I just might! But, I'll eat the chocolate one first." He finished off the first bun and reached for the chocolate one. "It's nice to be here with someone," he said, studying the chocolate thing. "I ussually come alone. If Viktor and Yuuri don't know about this place, I am definitely not going to show them. I wouldn't show this to most people."

So, he wasn't most people. Otabek nodded quietly while on the inside he felt warm, happy. "I see."

"For one, it's quiet here." That was true. There were other people but there was a mutual quiet, as if people understood that was not the place to go and have loud conversations. "They're loud sometimes. You're not. You appreciate things they don't...you seem to understand things better, take them in more. I like that."

"I...oh." His cheeks were reddening at the sudden compliments. They had derailed from the topic of the bakery, hadn't they?

Yuri took a bite from his chocolate thing and appeared to think for a minute. "You keep me pretty calm. Usually focusing on training and learning will do that if I'm not pushed the wrong way. Or, you know, being around my grandpa." He gave a happy little smile. "It's hard to find anyone I feel comfortable around. I have to work myself up to actually tolerating people, most of the time. I mostly like my cats."

Well, there was one thing he could comment on. "It's hard to tolerate most people, yea..." He still didn't know what to say to everything else. He knew he should say something when Yuri was telling him so many lovely things. What and how though?

Luckily for him, Yuri kept going during a rare time of complete rambling. "I dunno how you tolerate me. You came to me in the beginning anyway and I'm pretty sure I never said anything nice to you before."

"I can't remember you saying much of anything at all to me."

"Yea um..." Yuri looked away, a guilty expression on his face. "I'm sorry."

Otabek tilted his head. "Why? I don't care. You didn't say anything and then I still wanted to be friends with you. Who cares. It worked out."

"Still..." Yuri kept looking away. "I wish I had gotten to know you sooner. It would have made Viktor's aband...uh...abandonment less lonely. That and my training, travels to these events...watching him grow closer to the pig..."

"While you had no one."

"Mmm..." He looked back at Otabek, his gaze troubled. "I didn't -I wasn't looking for anyone to depend on, I really wasn't. I had goals in mind and they were in the world of skating, they weren't about people. But I did feel...weird, when Viktor left. Even weirder seeing photos of everyone hanging out together and all that. I didn't fit in with a lot of the others..."

"I fit in even less than you." Otabek shrugged. He knew it. He wasn't really in the top social circle of the skaters until he became friends with Yuri, and even then he kind of felt like he was viewed as an extra wheel. That was until he was invited to Japan with Yuri. Then he felt a sense of belonging that he'd never known he was seeking.

It was funny to think they actually felt the same way. Neither of them knew they needed the other until they were friends. Yes, Otabek had sought him out, but he didn't think it was because he needed him. He wanted to make a connection with him because...

...He couldn't even begin to explain it fully, actually.

"Not that I cared about fitting in," Otabek said after pausing with his thoughts. Yuri had seemed to understand, not interrupting the whole time. "I think everyone thought I hated everybody. I didn't care one way or another. "

Yuri laughed. "I know. I think I knew that then, too. Thanks for giving a little more of a shit about me, though."

That was one way to put it. Otabek laughed too. "Course. I'll always be so, so happy I did." He turned redder, as did Yuri. He felt he ought to say more, especially when so much had spilled from Yuri's lips. It wasn't expected of him, though, and...

The moment was passing.

"Bleh, I don't have room for all this," Yuri said and pushed his pastry away. "So, let's find the other two and go shopping. You ready?"

"For them? I don't know...shopping? Yes! I know where we're going to go!" Yuri stood up quickly from his chair and put out his hand. "You ready?"

"I'm still eating my bun!"

"Eat it on the way! Come on..." Yuri was suddenly very impatient.

Perhaps he felt he said too much. Otabek could get that, and he wasn't going to make him feel uncomfortable. "Fine. Let's shop," he said, and laughed again when Yuri took his hand tightly and pulled him up from his seat.

They strolled out of the bakery hand in hand, neither of them making a move to let go.