#sorry for rambling. again. im just really tired
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my god this week has been shitty
#my weeks usually aren't too good anyways because i never do anything#but this week was just. tiring#i guess#im probably exaggerating a little because this week has been a bit better than others#but the same thing happened twice :(#one of them i literally couldn't do anything about#but the other one i think i helped a bit#i did all i could for someone who was at bible camp lmao#im going thrifting on Monday so hopefully that'll be fun#(im gonna have at least 6 old people stare at me :( )#atleast its fall break ig#but i have to clean my room again :(#sorry for rambling. again. im just really tired
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hehe~~ i am soooooo sleepy and tired right now :3 i’m all cuddled up in all my blankets🥰 so warm and comfy hehe…..oh and also my past is haunting me😐
#girl help i tried to go to sleep but remembered the Anger™️#experienced a Situation recently that i have been very bravely and sexily ignoring#and - literally WHO would have known - ignoring it is not making it better lol#so now i lay down all comfy to sleep and my brain is just like: the thing😦#and then i gotta stay AWAKE😒 so i can distract myself from the thing#until im tired enough to sleep BEFORE my brain remembers the thing#smh#it sucks#also im good mostly!#it’s just hitting me worse rn because my period always puts my emotions out of whack😪#but im getting proper sleep and everything#and hope to take action to lessen the impact of the thing soon it just takes time ya know#like sometimes things ARE going to hurt you and bother you for a while#and that’s just how it is#but life will move on eventually and good things will come to steal some of the space those bad things take up#just gotta be patient😪#sorry for my nonsense rambles again#i just found it really funny#because tonight i really was legitimately more annoyed by the disruption to my sleep than i was about the life changing situation lol#sleep is my number one priority at any given moment fr#to be fair though i WAS so comfy and tired from cramps and really looking forward to sleep#so i think i was justified😤😤
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#the depression is kicking in again (it never left) its so over for me AGAIN#oh my god#i am so tired i can't get anything done and my moods have been horribly unstable lately#i just wanna be normal and happy??#anyways... i'll get the reqs done soon i swear :(#i am just going to assume that this is happening because my period is soon...#i really do use this place as some venting diary sometimes IM SORRY :(#i'm just gonna sleep#ruru rambles
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#question#liam's death#bc i just cannot yet#is there a nightline special tonight or already#bc i opened hulu and there was something to that effect at the top of my screen#and i am in no place to investigate that rn#but i wanted to find out and warn other people who might be confronted like i was just now#im sorry this is rambly im really tired and now im crying again
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Sorry for not posting much depression is hittin me hard rn
I really wanna make the next part of the comic or some cute doodles or even just answer asks or talk to my moots and reblogg their super cool stuff but everything is so hard for me rn nd i am so very exhausted and thats so frustrating
I wanna have fun with all of you right now but i just cant >:( sanch
#i ramble#im just really really tired#i know its going to get better again but i dont know when#i also really wanna do an ask game again but that means i have to actually sit down and write down stuff#which usually would be fun but right now my head spinns just thinking about it#i mean all of this isnt new to me i have been struggleing with depression for over 10 years#but its still sad when the things that usually make you happy just leave you exhausted and empty suddenly#sorry for the ranting#also do not worry about me its all fine#gonna get through this like i did a million times before#its still not great tho#im just gonna roll up under my bedsheets and take a nap now#like some sort of hibernating hedgehog or something
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I was gonan make a post apologizing for lack of regular art but I feel like jts already clear im sporadic and in and out of it bc chronic pain and circumstances. So for now I'm gonna hibernate, get my health steady again, deal with money issues, and art will happen when it happens.
#i do feel kind of worn down by it. i wish patreon and commissions didn't feel so taxing even with accommodations ive made for myself#maybe it'll feel better in the future when less is going on but rn it#places this barrier of management in front of art that makes it less relieving to do#cause there's always a part of my brain reminding me it needs to serve a purpose and needs to pay off in some way#which isn’t a new feeling for artists obviously. maybe doing it all since hs js also why it's tiring. and patreon changjng the way it does#working part time now too. idk if maybe id like to step back from it#it's abnormal that i worked taht hard and it did help me get out from my parents and stay out. but im also tired ect#idw let people down by not being able to keep up with a self imposed expectation or#be irresponsible and remove sources of income for myself. redbubble inprnt and patreon all suck in ways that bother me hugely#i only really enjoy itch.io at the minute#not to say anything bad abt patrons or commission clients you've all been excessively kind and patient and understanding always#i wish i could make them better i feel like there's no way how it is at the minute is of value compared to my output as an older teen#but yknow. self imposed worry. im just worn out and id like to just make things without the management and the fretting and the#i havent made a comic post for patreon in ages or this or this i havent made a speedpaint or a song or#yadda yadda lmao#sorry for the impromptu ramble#this isnt to say id never do commissions or a store or anything again or i want to not make money off art#god knows i will need to be grinding out comms once im well again but ex#i feel like im getting less and less able to manage it and then putting out less and less#and hoping ill somehow get very healthy and active again one day and make it worth the wait yknow.#it's not a feeling i want my art to carry in me.#part of me and the parent in my brain is saying it'd be selfish to give up income but the rest is like#that's cruel. i want to feel good and healthy
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Boys when characters will do anything to cling onto something that is only a hollow and empty imitation of what they really want because its the only thing they have left
#yes this is about sigma again who rlse#thinking ab. the casino#hes sooooo fucking desperate he'll do anything he'll do things that cearly make him uncomfortable and unhappy for the casino#but ultimately it isnt really what he wants or needs. there isnt anything for him there#hes just filling the gaps of a real family of people who care about him of somewhere he belongs#agrhehrhjdjrhdbdh#sorry im ill#does this make sense it is very late i am tired#sigma bsd#ramblings
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feelin anxious nd not like a person. i need to sleep before 2 am these days more but whenever i get stressed i want to resolve it and i should probably realize that this isn't going to happen and my anxiety is maybe bad again. or something
#neg#anxious about friends about posts about music about fanfic about who i am#like im fine. its just weird not having the reassurance i always had in college by being around people#i have had a really great summer so far but like the nighttime anxiety is so real these days#idk if reading fic is helping because im like trying to moral police myself again#God i have such complicated feelings about life and whatever.k whatever#need to just sleep and calm the fuck down#but if im not like dead tired i just wont sleep? idk#anyway sorry. late night rambles#i keep thinking i can hear my sisters piano but its 2 am and shes not answered my texts so i guess thats just me
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wouldn't it be fun if every dragon age game let you end the game with your protagonist dead?
the world chews up it's heroes and leaves them broken! it kills them! let me kill my characters in thematic ways!! the series is about fighting back death. their religion is based on a woman who was brutally murdered. her murder cements her myth and religion, she is a martyr lost to her own myth, what she would have wanted can no longer be know and people use her words to justify the same horrors she fought to end just retextured, i want that!!
the warden was dead from the start! hawke is eaten whole by kirkwall and the prejudice that made their family flee it to begin with! nothing the inquisitor did mattered and now theyre just another body to prop up next to andraste to justify another person's ambitions!
this world will crush under it's heel anyone it can get it's hands on, but that doesn't make what they did pointless! the people of that world will remember what they did and pick up where they left off. and maybe they'll mess up along the way or it can be twisted, but it still meant something, they still mattered, at least until they don't.
and maybe a world where their suffering no longer matters to ruminate on is one they wanted, but no one can know for sure, bc they can't answer any more than andraste can, long since reduced to ashes on the pyre
#ama mumbles#dragon age#sorry im in my love of tragedy spiel im tired#also i love drama and killing my characters in thematic ways#'do you think andraste really looked like that' who knows one day theyll ask the same about us im sure#once again this isn't meta just my late night slightly exhausted ramblings#im just having to live off the drama that getting to kill off my warden in origins gave me#plus if all your protags died then the last game where you end with your protag possibly alive can feel like winning a hard battle#multiple people struggled to allow this person to survive when it mattered. perhaps it wasnt a big spectacle but they lived#and that's enough
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#for now im tired. running a tumblr poll tournament takes an unexpected emotional toll#thank you so much again to everyone who voted in the first round!!!!!!! i really love rpg maker games#and its nice to see people getting excited about them in a way i havents seen for a while.#its a bit stressful to an extent (again please do not bring up creator controversy too much..#and dont defend creators just cuz you like their characters...that was a bizzarely stressful thing to see in the tags)#(and also im really sorry to anyone who has post notifications on and just#gets me talking about dumb stuff and being slightly annoying. -__-; i know i should probably ramble on this blog less.)#the witchs diary#people have been very nice to me and im glad. im very sorry if my talking ruins the blog a bit but im happy people are enjoying the polls
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he's so pretty............
#sorry. again#im just. fuck im tired and he's so damn pretty#i know i always post about how i think he's gorgeous on here but like. christ i appreciate him sm#i really do#ive got a lot of respect for the art he makes and how much work he puts into his music#it's just a bonus that he happens to be incredibly attractive#i do all my serious posts on this guy over on the sideblog#and i keep all my lovey dovey ramblings over on this blog because it's fun to make y'all suffer <3#(joking. mostly)
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#damn babygirl i wish people checked up on me more#this self conscious catgirl is so tired#sometimes i WISH people just came into my dms to ask me if im ok#i do it constantly to others because i hope theyre not as sad as i am feeling in that moment#genuinely afraid to have made someone feel bad and drive them away from me#and omg i feel nyself running thin again just bc im afraid to lose the interactions we have altogether because i cant process certain media#in a healthy way whatsoever and i get super hung up on thinfs that really dont matter that much in the end#YEAH IM RAMBLING IT'S 5:30 AM AND I COULD BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW BUT INSTEAD IM JUST CRYING FOR A STUPID REASON!!#i think ive only had one person check up on me based off the vibes in chat i gave off alone in the past couple of months#which was baffling and surreal btw and i think it broke something within me#it came from someone i wouldve never expected to even notice because sometimes it feels like its such a vast difference between us#i sometimes even wonder how are we friends in the first place#like do i even deserve to call this person my friend do they feel like that? or are we just discord acquaintances?#anyway all this just made me sad and my dumb ass is crying and yearning to be loved by my online peers thats all lol. meows pathetically#idk i guess i just.want to hear / see it more rather than just teying to tell myself that over and over hoping im not deluding myself abt i#personal#sorry for the emotions dump idk whats wrong with me tonight actually#me having to come to terms with the reality that i actually have a following and this might get boticed by more than 2 ppl#bc not everyone follows 3k blogs like i am :skull emoji: yknow#im probably gonna delete later because im actually a super self conscious person to the point i get nauseatingly anxious about it holy shit#i dont vent often and im 120% keeping it in but when i do oh boy#the dam bursts and im left like a sopping wet dog on the floor looking like a sad blob#which i am feeling like right now!#vent#emy rambles#ALSO LIKE THIS ISNT TO SAY IM NOT GRATEFUL FOR MY FRIENDS OMG I AM#k really am#sometimes its still like. idk. unbelievable to me that people are genuinely interacting with me and the things i write or headcanon#and i shouldn't expect them to know whats wrong with me or if i feel bad if i dont say it or communicate that to them#but yknow one can yearn
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one unfortunate thing abt watching bloody violent up-close-and-personal movies is that it makes me even more crazy touchstarved than usual after.. I need to wrestle someone NOW
#i need to BITE. or lie in someones lap and let them stroke my hair#also now my family have left i probably wont even get a hug for a longass time......... its dire out here#ik my flatmate said a while ago she wouldnt mind if i wanted more physical contact or whatever but ik thats not true#bc she always seems so physically uncomfortable near me or moves so distinctly far out of my space like i get the message man#and its just difficult for me for so many complicated reasons. sigh#im just tired of feeling so lonely always all the time. and so ostracised or alienated in every community and relationship in my life#and i know thats my own fucking fault bc im stupidly incapable of allowing myself to trust and believe other people abt anything#and partly also bc im disabled and autistic as shit etcetc and so will always come across weird and Other and i have no control over that#but mostly its my fault. and i dont even know where to begin trying to fix that man. if its even fixable in this lifetime i dont even know#but it sucks ass im so tired of being sad and close to tears 90% of the time i cry on the fucking daily even on good days#dont get me wrong im doing pretty okay at the moment like i dont even really have any Real problems its all just in my fucking head#but unfortunately thats the head i live in. and will live in the rest of my life so i guess im always gonna feel like this on some level#so i need to just accept it and be grateful for the shit i have bc it could be so so much worse#and yet i cant just do that so here we are!!!!!!!!! oh well.#maybe a part of me likes being miserable. or feels like i deserve it. bc im really fucking good at it lmao#anyway i should go to bed soon before this gets worse. at least i dont have work tmr so i can do smth nice or chill all day#and there have been lots of nice things today too.. ah i just need to sleep#sorry for rambling my ass off with my mentally ill monologues again 🙃 well not that sorry bc youll see me do it again lol#.vent#.diaries
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Okay so im in the process of moving now and some family stuff is happening so ill try to post something now and then and maybe answer a few of the asks i have been getting (thank you so much for those btw it makes me so happy that you are interested in my AUs <3333) but i am so very exhausted...
If i make something it will probably just be comfort doodles
#i ramble#maybe im even gonna doodle some of my actual OCs for comfort#sorry to get some of you hopked on the rlgl au just to go into a phase of not much art but it be like that#i know that i dont need to apologize btw i am just actually sorry about it#sadly my social energy is running abysmally low aswell so to my moots i write with dont be alarmed if i need a long time to answer you#im not ignoring you im just really really tired#ah yes i misspelled hooked as hopked but im on mobile so i cant correct it without deleting all the other tags#not wrinting all that again#gonna go take a nap now#i have been carrying around furniture the whole day so tired
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im really sorry for the lack of content and the poor quality shitposts I've been making (and the lack of it per se)
I've been feeling, not burn out technically, but just I wanna sleep so much but I really wanna do a lot of work at the same time.
my brain's been on autopilot for so long and I just can't rn
I'll be making as much content as I can still <3
#marc important stuff#marc rambles#marc posts#vent?#i dont know#im not even tired im just being lazy ngl#sorry again for the lack of content#im also working on r/place for jojo#I've been doing so much janitoring#ugh#I've also run out of comfort fanfics and angsty fics and now ive just been feeling worse also feeling worse since the comfort fics are#like...not the best#I just really miss my touch grass friends (irl ones) they havent been talking to me but I know it's not like they have to talk to me ahfeh#i cant sleep but I wanna sleep so badly but I CANT waugh#it's been taking a toll on my body and I really wanna be productive but my brain hates me so much i cant#ive been trying to do crochet again#i hope it gives a spar or somethign in my brain#ill regret posting this later#literally cant even talk to ppl properly without feeling like im making them uncomfortable#I just feel horrible lately#but ive been exercising to make myself feel better#not working though#im also really stressed about my cat#wham#he might die bcs of an eye infection and we cant get it treated#im scared i lose my 3rd cat my 2nd one just died i cant deal with this anymore
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are you doing ok?
Honestly?? I'm not even sure anymore
Cause like,, I always sleep around nine or ten y'know, I take pride in the fact that out of all my friends I still have a somewhat decent sleep schedule, but for the past few nights I just have a hard time sleeping. Even my friend said it was unusual of me to stay up late
And idk, idk what's even bugging me, there's legitimately nothing but I also think there is bc if not then why am I even staying up so late y'know. Idk if it's like,, a lil premonition kinda thing on my end that maybe smth will happen and my body's trying to get used to being tired again, but like,, idk my summer classes are abt to end, and altho our activities and projects are vibing it's somewhat okay since one's a group project and my group is actually decent, so y'know it's no problem
But like... Idk. I'm not sure what's happening w me, I keep thinking abt a lot of things, but it's not even the stressful things like classes or my future or anything, the things that usually keep you up at night, no I just think abt some concepts and such
It's weird for me ig, maybe it's just been a while since I stayed up late hahah
#then again.. ig im just going through it#i make decisions and i either dont do them or i do them in a whim without second thoughts#i delete the games i wanna play after hours of thinkin of wanting to play them#and last night i ended up downloading pmd again despite the fact that ny motivation to do#the things i love back then just jumped out the window#idk but hey maybe i really am just going through it#and i just dont feel it that much bc hey. i think i cried enough tears already#im tired man#i really am#but hey i also wanna see what would happen if i dont give up yknow#just vibing hahaha#ah sorry for rambling tho cnmdnd#but hey dont worry abt me hahah#an ask and an answer#anon
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