#sorry for any spelling mistakes it’s 00:42

[thesunsethour]

my official ranking of (basically) every song by hozier

(ignoring some collabs/songs from soundtracks etc)

(this is just my opinion no one shout at me)

(he has no Bad songs, only Less Brilliant ones)

52) To Noise Making (Sing) (the sing chorus at the end goes on just *that* bit too long

51) Sunlight (slightly repetitive)

50) Nobody (maybe this is controversial? does however contain one of my favourite lyrics “it’s suicide Tuesday back in LA”)

49) Sedated (the lowest ranked song of his self titled album and it’s not because it’s not good it’s because his discography is fucking insane)

48) Someone New (only ranked this low because it was very overplayed in Ireland when it came out)

47) Almost (Sweet Music) (this was never my favourite song but who can resist “i laugh like me again she laughs like you”)

46) Son of Nyx (hozier made the best study music song of all time)

45) Wasteland, Baby! (sounds exactly like the album feels, if that makes sense?)

44) Swan Upon Leda (would be higher but i keep accidentally forgetting to add it to my playlist because it’s not on an album. also Free Palestine)

43) Better Love (hozier’s voice is so beautiful)

42) Dinner & Diatribes (ever since someone said he sounds like Count von Count in this song i can’t un-hear it)

41) It Will Come Back (so sexy. one of the sexiest songs in his oeuvre)

40) NFWMB (an under appreciated classic. i remember playing this in the car when my dad was dropping our friend’s kid to school and getting in trouble for the cursing)

39) The Parting Glass - Live from The Late Late Show (not only a beautiful rendition, but it was also performed during covid when everyone was feeling very hopeless and he just captivated ireland for a few short moments. gorgeous)

38) Anything But (we are reaching the territory of songs that are so goddamned good that it feels a crime they are so low down. he has dozens of such songs)

37) In the Woods Somewhere (eerie vibes which are beautiful and exacerbated when you find out he based this on a dream he had)

36) To Be Alone (again, CRIMINAL that this is so low down. blame hozier having so many good songs. don’t blame me)

35) Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene (a bop AND a banger AND a jam. triple threat)

34) Damage Gets Done (their voices are soooo beautiful together)

33) Be (“When Atlas acts the maggot” is one of Hozier’s best Irish culture lines)

32) The Jackboot Jump - Live (BUT THE JACKBOOT ONLY JUMPS DOWN ON PEOPLE STANDING UP!!!)

31) Shrike (this song made me cry when i first heard it and i am Not one to cry)

30) To Someone From a Warm Climate (Uiscefhuaraithe) (GAEILGE MENTION!!!!)

29) Jackie and Wilson (one of my first ever favourite hozier songs)

28) Talk (i love the myth of orpheus and eurydice and i ALSO imagine being loved by hozier)

27) Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue) (blowjobs)

26) Eat Your Young (hozier wrote this for all first year trinity students who had to read Swift for their intro to irish writing lectures)

25) All Things End (don’t be sad. we begin again :). hozier said so)

24) I, Carrion (Icarian) (soft, sad, beautiful. like hozier)

23) Nina Cried Power (feat. Mavis Staples) (also very overplayed in Ireland but this time it really deserved it!!)

22) Cherry Wine - Live (one of the most beautiful and recognisable guitar bits of all time. yes i said guitar bits i don’t know anything about guitars)

21) As It Was (the drug the dark the light the flame…)

20) First Time (“anyway”)

19) Who We Are (makes me feel like my chest is being lifted to god)

18) No Plan (“As Mack explained, there will be darkness again” is one of the all-time great Hozier lyrics actually)

17) Would That I (it’s illegal for anyone to dislike this song)

16) De Selby (Part 2) (he wants to run against the world that’s turning!! he moves so fast that he’d outpace the dawn!!)

15) De Selby (Part 1) (AN ENTIRE VERSE AS GAEILGE)

14) Like Real People Do (once again, how is this so low? hozier is too good. “we should just kiss like real people do” lyrics of all time)

13) Butchered Tongue (i wrote an entire essay post about this song. with citations)

12) From Eden (time has maybe made us forget just how fucking insanely good this song is. IDEALISM SITS IN PRISON CHIVALRY FELL ON HIS SWORD INNOCENCE DIED SCREAMING. also reminds me of verse 2 of Human by The Killers)

11) Work Song (WHEN MY TIME COMES AROUND LAY ME GENTLY IN THE COLD DARK EARTH. NO GRAVE CAN HOLD MY BODY DOWN. I’LL CRAWL HOME TO HER. also special mention for: “in the low lamp light i was free” aka the name of one of my criminal minds fanfics. moving on)

10) Run (SOOOOO underrated. literally rare is this love keep it covered! run to me run to me lover! run until you feel your lungs bleeding!)

9) Movement (i played this song every day on repeat for 2 months when i was 17)

8) Arsonist’s Lullabye (wario of better love. don’t ask me how or why)

7) In a Week (feat. Karen Cowley) (the most gorgeous beautiful song of all time their voices are perfect for each other - I’D BE HOME WITH YOU)

6) First Light (BUT AFTER THIS IM NEVER GONNA BE THE SAME!!! AND I AM NEVER GOING BACK AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!)

5) Francesca (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. URGAAAHHHHHHHH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’D TELL THEM PUT ME BACK IN IT!!!!!! DARLING I WOULD DO IT AGAIN!!!!!! IF I COULD HOLD YOU FOR A MINUTE!!!!! DARLING I’D GO THROUGH IT AGAIN!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

4) Unknown / Nth (DO YOU KNOWWWWW I COULD BREAK BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF THE GOODNESS LOVE I STILL CARRY FOR YOU!!!! he had no right to sing this. and as beautifully as he does. makes me cry. sha-la-la)

3) Abstract (Psychopomp) (this wasn’t originally my favourite when i first listened to Unreal Unearth has grown on my heart and will not let go. did you know the memory hurts but does me no harm. and did you SEE HOW IT SHINESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

2) Take Me To Church (this being his debut single. DEBUT. SINGLE. no one else was doing it like him. the vocals the lyrics god the beautiful lyrics the MUSIC VIDEO!!!! ireland’s best living artist.)

1) Foreigner’s God (my favourite song of all time. no notes. utterly perfect in every way.)

[carmineclock]

Why Don't You Do Right

Snowman 11:10 PM

> Fade from black before Scratch's desk. "James.  We have a situation."

Scratch 11:13 PM

> You look up at her with eyes strained from reading. Why cant it ever be good news. "Oh good, Id begun to worry the quiet would last." > Sit up and prepare for the worst.

Snowman 11:14 PM

"Diamonds Droog's daughter is dead.  Three has killed her."

Scratch 11:17 PM

> Your first thought is that shes not really his daughter, but they never see it that way. "Trace has. I knew he shouldnt have been left alone. I assume hes on his way." > Youre actually a little impressed. Pissed, mostly. But still.

Snowman 11:21 PM

"Yes. Three, Five, and Seven here are on their way here. I will also call for Nepeta shortly. Five has known of it and has been covering for Three, perhaps since it occurred." > You light up a cigarette. "You know what this means."

Scratch 11:24 PM

> You stand and stretch, joints popping dully as you shake the exhaistion from your bones. "It could mean quite a many things, my dear. War, being the foremost."

Snowman 11:30 PM

"Diamonds torched the scene of the crime--a lashing out quite unlike him. Trace has brought war to our doorstep." > Take a deep drag. "It's only a matter of time before the Crew comes to our doorstep as well. Time we have lost a precious amount of while these...fucking imbeciles tucked tail and hid the truth from us to avoid consequences." > Blow the smoke at the ceiling. "If this were the old regime, they would be culled and recycled for parts the moment they walk through these doors. This is the last straw, James."

Scratch 11:37 PM

> That brutality is one of the many things you love about her. And she has a point, in this being the last straw. "A fair point, though humans are far more difficult to recycle than carapaces." > You set about making tea, strangely calm despite the slowly building rage. Maybe its shock. "We'll have to be ready, though preperations for defense can wait until I have all the details. The grievous misstep was in waiting to say anything. Selfish man, we'll have to do something about that terrible personality."

Snowman 11:44 PM

> You lean against the ledge of his desk, arms crossed, as you consider the back of his head. "I do not know all of the details myself.  So far as I was aware until a few minutes ago, there had only been a shadow magic fire that took out a funeral home in the Crew's territory.  I had Three and Five investigating--god." > Click your tongue distastefully. "They lied to me.  To my goddamned face.  Fin made some excuse, said Trace was still... I bet they never even left the comforts of their room.  I cannot... And to tell Clover before me.  Who else have they told?  What were they thinking."

Scratch 11:54 PM

> That pulls a frown across your previously placid face. That wont do at all. "That will be our opening, I should say. Whatever the war ahead brings, the lying must stop." > Your hand grips the kettle tightly, anger rising as steam billows around your face. Lies, deciet, fear, and cowardice to top ot all off. You should have nipped this in the bud before. "How is it such a small man can cause such large problems."

Snowman 11:59 PM

"By getting off as easily as we've been letting them." > You ash your cigarette and nearly miss the tray. "Should have broken every bone in their miserable goddamned bodies after all the backsass and trouble they've been giving us. Especially together..." > Chew your lip. "If only your lot were as easy to reprogram as my lot.  That would solve these issues in less than a heartbeat.  But it never should have gotten to this state in the first place.  How did it come to this?"

Clover 12:00 AM

> Knockknock, knockknock.

Scratch 12:02 AM

> Tea done, you call for him to enter. Though you werent expecting him first, you were expecting him. He likes to get involved,even when he shouldnt.

"Its true, there is something to be said about the faulyt of unruly soldiers lying in thoer commamders. I blame myself as much as them."(edited)

Clover 12:04 AM

> Let yourself in and close the door behind you, hands hooked behind your back and a rather somber expression on your face.

Scratch 12:06 AM

"Stay quiet, stay calm. If you make a scene, youre out. Understood?"

Clover 12:06 AM

"Understood."

Crowbar 12:16 AM

You lead the way to Doc's office. The door is cracked so you announce your arrival and let yourself in, standing aside so Trace can go ahead. You're both surprised and unsurprised to see Clover. You acknowledge him with a nod.

Trace 12:18 AM

> You're on your way, tailing right behind Crowbar. Time for the walk of shame. You pass him, and when you spot Clover on the way in- Urgh. Here you thought your heart - or you, for the matter - couldn't sink any lower. You enter and quietly wait in the middle of the room. Quiet, but far from calm. A stress headache is pounding in your head and being stared down by all three bosses and the guy next to them that probably hates you the most does not help in the slightest.

Fin 12:26 AM

Your face is still red from the slap you got from Snowman. You get inside the office  noding to your bosses and wishing you could hug your husband. Clover is completely ignored for now as you stand right next to Trace hands behind your back

Nepeta 12:31 AM

You finished quickly  throwing on some clothes and trying to wash your tears away. Water doesn't hide your bloodshot eyes though, or the fact that your hair hasn't seen a brush today so far. You look like a mess, fitting to your mental state. You briefly glance at Fin and Trace as you enter the office but quickly look at your bosses instead. Less painful.

Snowman 12:36 AM

You remain poised, leaned against the edge of Scratch's desk, arms crossed tight over your chest.  The cigarette between your lips is smoldering, filling the air with its smoke, but it is not near so smoldering as the glare you send around the room.

Clover 12:39 AM

Fin is likewise ignored as he enters, but for Trace you briefly glance to his eyes before tearing your own away. Nepeta, though, is given a sympathetic look and an attempt at a tiny smile.

Scratch 12:54 AM

An absolute party, and you, the ever gracious and gentle host, will be the one to kick things off, as it has always been. "Now then," You say, standing behind your desk. "Lets start with the facts, only. We can deal with emotions later. As it stands, and as I have it, Trace has taken it upon himself to end the life of Diamonds Droogs adoptive daughter, one Aradia Megido. Resulting in a funeral parlor in crew territory being burned. After this, an investigation of the events was carried out by Trace and Fin. Those are most of the facts, but we are missing some." Deep breath, steady eyes, looking around the room slowly. " Snowman, Crowbar, when were you notified of Traces actions, and by whom. Trace, how many days has it been since you killed the troll girl. Fin, when did the investigation of the fire take place. Nepeta, what was your roll in this. All facts we must add together to have the full picture."

Crowbar 12:58 AM

You stand in front of the door like a sentry, holding your crowbar behind you. "I found out moments ago, sir. I instructed Trace to inform the rest of the Numbers promptly before being called into your office."

Trace 1:11 AM

More people enter, first Fin, and then Nepeta. You turn your head just enough to recognize her, then fix your eyes back towards the front. On the desk, not Scratch himself. You can't stand to face anyone right now, but least of all your lovers. You've managed to drag them even deeper into this. Great. You collect your thoughts to answer to Scratch. "I have killed her on New Years Eve." (Which would be maybe a day ago. No more than a day and a half. This should be the evening or night of the 1st, considering Trace didn't want to wait too long after talking with Kankri.) With that, your response to Doc should have been finished. He's not looking for more words from you just yet, you know that. But if there's any time left to do stupid mistakes, it is now. Quickly, before anyone else can speak up, you continue. "When given the order to investigate, I knew it would be too dangerous, with police and crew about and surely watching the scene. Green would have been more than a bad look. So I told Fin to stay put while I figure out how to approach you with this topic. Nepeta has purposefully not been involved in any of this. The plan was mine, and mine alone."

Fin 1:24 AM

After Trace finishes you clear your throat and answer " I did not follow Snowman instructions of investigating the burned  building , I wanted to give Trace time to talk about the truth to all of you and because as Trace mentions it was a dangerous thing to do"

Nepeta 1:37 AM

You do look at Trace when he speaks, even though it hurts. He wants to talk for you and you aren't sure how much you appreciate that right at this moment. You know he means well but it leaves a small frown on your face. You speak up on your own anyways. "I was unaware about all of this until the day after, when Trace confessed to me.  I should have immediately contacted you but..." But you didn't want to rat them out, even after they hurt you. You don't think you have to spell it out. "I only told Clover. I'm sorry."

Snowman 1:51 AM

You clutch tighter to the inside of your elbow, eyes leveled between Trace and Fin both.  "I knew of the fire shortly after it happened, and had tasked both Three and Five with investigating it, should it prove to useful to us.  I found out about the murder a few minutes ago, when Clover called me and forced Fin into a position to confess to me."

Clover 2:42 PM

Discontent and distaste boils in your stomach as you watch all of them, though still all your expression shows is a deep worry for Nepeta. She's the worst hit here, and she never deserved this. You wish you could help.

Scratch 4:20 PM

You let each of them speak in turn, waiting patiently, logging the information to write down for later. The timeline is slowly filling in, giving you a much better picture. "So there it is, all the facts are out in the open. The deed was done a day or so prior, and it was only today that any of those with actual power found out. Very interesting." You let that sit for a moment as you pour yourself some tea. "So, then, as it stands, of the three of you, none of you are without fault. Nepeta, yours is the least, only in that you told no one despite having the information. For that, consider this your second strike. Im sure Traces actions will find a way to punish you further. Fin, your fault is almost equal to that of Traces. You knew of his plans, allowed them to take place, and not only that, when given an express order from your superior, you ignored it in favor of your lovers instructions. If it was dangerous, if it was a bad idea, then you should have blamed Trace for whatever may have occured. Instead you decided not to follow orders because you knew. You knew what would happen. You should be on your knees, begging for forgiveness, because Snowman will be in charge of your punishment, as it was her order you shirked." Your eyes turn to Trace, thin, icy, a muted rage in their depths. Your gut had warned he would do sometging stupid, but you trusted him.

"As for you, Trace. You dont get hand out instructions. How dare you contradict Snowmans order. If something befell Fin in this investigation, then he should have suffered the consequences doing his duty. The plan was yours alone? Are you an idiot? Did you really think your actions wouldnt effect others around you, especially those closest to you? If you needed time to approach us, all that tells me is that you knew what you did was the wrong move. Nepeta was left out of it? Really? After eveeything shes been through with Droog, you think this incredible offense wont effect her going forward far more than it will you? Cruel, cowardly man, to bring ruin on your own partners" Your tone turns darker. "Worst of all, Trace. Worst of all, is that you left it for us to find out. Fearful of the reprecussions? You dont know fear. But you will. A man who knows fear does not make fruitless mistakes for the sake of his own vanity. It seems our last talk left less of an impression than Id hoped. So let me make this clear. You are going to lose everything. The specifics will take time, we will have plenty of time to go over them. Snowman, please escort Fin and Nepeta out of my sight. Crowbar, stay, I will have need of you."

Crowbar 2:26 AM

You can't help but swallow, your collar feeling tight around your throat as Doc speaks. Even though he deserves it, you empathize with Trace. He is your friend at the end of the day. You fear he will not be the same person for very long. Stepping aside, you leave room for Fin and Nepeta to exit.

Trace 2:30 AM

You listen with quiet horror. Of course, not even a day was good enough. Of course all of it is getting turned against you. When the strike for Nepeta is mentioned, you go as pale as your green skin can. You open your mouth in protect, but you don't say anything. Bullshit. That's. That's not okay. That's not fair. Your mouth closes as Scratch continues with your own repercussions, almost numb to what you hear. A loud ringing takes over your senses. Fuck. You're frozen to the spot. He didn't say that you're dismissed yet. Even if, you're not sure if your legs could carry you with how weak in the knees you feel. From the sound of it, your first punishment may be delivered by Crowbar himself. Great. Not like threatening and punishing your lovers was already bad enough.

Fin 2:38 AM

Your eyes are ringing with the blood that is flushing when you hear about Nepeta's strike. This was not the way you two intended things to go, even with Trace assuming all the blame you know you were there to encourage him and offer him help so obviously you are partially to blame for what happened too but she didn't deserve this at all. You almost miss the moment when Scratch dissmisses you as you were too tense and that shows in the way your shoulders slouch once you have to walk out of the office. As you get escorted outside you take a second to reach for Trace's hand and touch it for a second, you wanted to say so many things but you just softly whisper that you will be waiting for him.

Trace 2:56 AM

Your heart skips a beat when you feel Fin's touch, but you don't dare looking up at him, nor at Nepeta when she follows him. You don't need to see their worried looks. You know them well enough to imagine how concerned they might be about you, the idiot that got them into this, while the guilt over the trouble you caused them is already quickly eating away at you.

Snowman 10:34 PM

You feel nothing much beyond, perhaps, pity for the part of Nepeta, though even that is minimal in light of the circumstances.  Though you are curious to know what will lie beyond this door once it closes behind you, you have other things on your mind: namely, the man already slinking out of the door ahead of you.  Nodding to James, you take Nepeta lightly by the elbow and steer her out of the room, eyes fixated on the back of Fin's head as you walk.

Clover 10:53 PM

Some part of you deeply wants to get up and bolt out the door to follow her, to protect her, to be her lucky charm- but you know there's nothing you can do until this is through. You watch them go until the door closes, and then you watch Scratch alone.

Scratch 1:17 AM

Silence takes the room as they file out, and you find a sort of solemn sadness taking the place of anger. Youd trusted Trace. Of course he was always going to be an idiot, but you never expected...well, it doesn't matter now. "So here we are." You say quietly, in almost a whisper. "You know, however it may seem, Ive always had high hopes for  you, Trace. Youre strong, and  fiercely loyal." Thin, gloved fingers trace the rim of your teacup idly. "It had been my hope to one day groom you for leadership. You have everything youd need, except the brains. Youre not half as smart as you think you are, Trace. You dont know, but you act like you do. Did the thought ever occur to you that I might actually want the girl dead? That there were ways to take her out that may have benefited us all? I hope you understand that youre not being punished because you killed her. Its not so simple." You sigh, looking up to Crowbar and beckoning him over with a sharp flick of the wrist. "You need to learn to think before you do, Trace. That the things you do effect other people. That there are other ways than your ways. I know you hate me, I dont pretend to be kind or pleasant, but I do know what Im talking about. Its why Im in charge, and have been for longer than youve been alive. When I call for your respect, its not because I think Im better than you, its because I have experiences that can help you be better and I want you to learn, I all but begged you to learn. Unfortunately now you have to learn the hard way." You move around your desk, standing in front of it now. "Its going to be a slow, painful process, but with any luck, youll come to understand why this has to happen. Come here, hold your arm out, place your hand face down on the desk."

Trace 3:39 AM

Suddenly the room felt much quieter, despite the fact that barely anyone but him has talked the whole time. Maybe it's also just your senses your senses going more and more numb by the second. What a lecture, all these wonderful backhanded compliments, just as he's about to give you probably the worst time of your life. You're left with a sour taste in your mouth when he mentions all his grand plans. Groom you for leadership. God, just what you need, a job you hate even more. You try not to look around the room much, eyes still fixed on the desk, the very platform that's about to become your scaffolding. You do take notice that Clover didn't leave the room yet though. Does he really want to watch this? Boy, does he hate you that much now. You welcome any thought that distracts you from what's about to happen, but this train of thought leads you to even more unpleasant places. Makes you wonder just how flippant his feelings are, or if he ever really cared about you if he is so easily swayed. You know what is expected of you and step forward. You briefly consider which hand to offer since it hasn't been specified - they're your most important tools after all - but decide on your right one, keeping the one with the ring safe, if at all possible.

Crowbar 8:33 AM

If you're nervous, it doesn't show. You take a swift breath and approach as you are motioned to do. You stand by Trace, a chill running through your veins to numb any sense of sentimentality. You have to distance the personal from the business. Looming over Trace, you turn your attention to Doc, awaiting further instruction.

Scratch 7:42 PM

"Nothing to say? You pleaded so nicely for Fin and Nepeta, nothing for yourself? The bravado died rather quickly once your lovers left, you may want to think about why that is." From your jacket pocket you pull out a dark green marker. Such a damn shame. Not only do you have Trace's mistakes to clean up, you also have to ruin a perfectly nice suit. Whatever his flaws, the boy has has style. You step over to his outstretched arm, eyes wandering up until you find a spot you prefer. Its so hard to stay classy when doing dirty work, but you do what you can. You mark the middle of his arm, drawing a fat line across his sleeve. You think the instructions speak loud and clear, so you pop the top of the marker back on and tuck it back into your pocket. Now you'll see what Crowbar's word is worth.

Trace 8:38 PM

You stay quiet. No, nothing else to say. What would even be the point? Beg for forgiveness? There's nothing that will sway Scratch from his ruling, and frankly you had it coming, right? And the last thing you need is talking yourself even deeper into trouble. You purse your lips and close your eyes, preparing for the pain. You don't need to watch that, you'll be feeling it soon enough. If anything, you're sorry for Crowbar having to do this.  He's stern and hard-working, sure, but still caring at his core.

Crowbar 8:42 PM

You watch Scratch carefully and when he watches you, in turn, you know it is your time to step forward. Gripping your crowbar tight, you focus on the line drawn on Trace's arm. Your heart gives a single empathetic squeeze before the cold steals away your remorse. A job is a job. You plan to do yours well. Without a word, you raise your weapon up and bring it down with a sickening crack.

Clover 8:45 PM

You flinch, just a bit, as the weapon swings down. You don't have the job that he does for a reason- you don't know how to willingly remove yourself from someone you've spent so much of your life with. You didn't watch.

Trace 8:57 PM

A sharp excruciating pain shoots through your arm. You do your best to hold back your reaction lest someone out there hears you. It's not quite a yell, but an agonized grunt escapes you. As the pain dulls, your head starts getting dizzy and you slowly sink down onto your knees before your body can force you. Last thing you want is to pass out right here. You pull your arm close to your body, lean against the desk for some support and wheeze heavily as you wait for further instructions. God, he better not plan to break any more bones.

Scratch 10:09 PM

Your eyes never stray. You watch the crowbar hits its mark, the way his arms snaps like a biscuit under the weight of the blow. This is your order, and you'll see it through. Theres no room to flinch, or to look away, not for you, not for Crowbar. He did well. In a world of self serving men, you're glad for someone like him. "Well struck, Crowbar." You compliment easily, eyes moving down now to Trace as he falls. You have more to say to him, but not here. Not on the showroom floor. "Though I really should  have the other one as well, we'll let that stew for a bit before taking any more. Please escort Trace down to the  holding cells."

Crowbar 10:12 PM

"Yes, sir." You slip a hand under Trace's good arm, hoisting him up to his feet and placing him between you and the door. "Come on, Three," you say, an almost gentle tone hiding beneath the stern command, "You know the way."

Clover 10:24 PM

It's been some time since you felt your heart pound with so much raw emotion that you can't even pin down what it is. Your chin is tilted down to the floor, and you await your father's comment or command.

Trace 10:39 PM

You go along with Crowbar. You have little intention to resist any of that, but his support certainly helps getting up and walking out of the door. Off to the cells, huh. Sure will be an unpleasant night, it seems.

Scratch 10:48 PM

So the curtain falls on another show, well performed all around. The only one who reacted differently than you expected was Clover, but you have your own reasons for wanting him to be here. You turn to him as they leave, stepping between them and him as the door shuts behind them. It was important for him to be here, as far as you're concerned, there was more accomplished here than just the breaking of bones. "My, that was certainly exciting, wasnt it?" You say cooly, tilting your head towards him. You wonder if it was worth it for him. You wonder if he was glad to be here.

Clover 12:20 AM

"You could call it that," you reply with a shrug. Your expression is something around the ring of neutral, and you lean against his desk. Your heart cries at you to chase Trace down to the cells, to tell Nepeta everything as soon as possible. You silence it.  "Word I'd use is tiring."

Scratch 9:19 PM

"Tired, are you?" You move back around your desk and pull out your notebook and a pen. "It seems to me the tiring times are only just beginning. Especially for you and your position so delicately balanced between the factions." You start writing. It will be easier for you to remember all the information if you write it down for later. This is just one of many outrages you have documented.

Clover 9:23 PM

"Shocker, right?" You shoot him a lopsided smile, stare up at the ceiling. "Everything I've worked for is going to have to be rebuilt."

Scratch 9:40 PM

"Hmm. Can it be rebuilt? Thats good to hear." Youre only half listening now, trying to recount things as they happened. You still have to clean Traces room out and also go and see him in the holding cells. "Do you regret being here when it happened, or the part you played in it all?'

Clover 9:46 PM

You consider it for a fair moment, as you often do before you give him his answers. Would you have rathered someone else in your place? Would you have preferred that you didn't act as you did? "....No."

Scratch 9:55 PM

Interesting. Such a complicated boy, this one. Even though he didnt watch, he still preferred to be here for it. "They certainly wont thank you for it." They meaning Trace and Fin, if you have a proper understanding of their relationship, that is. But youre glad he was here, and that he stayed. It shows them how much more hes like you than them. "Ah, just for my own curiosity, when did Nepeta tell you about all of this, and how long after Fin explained the situation to you did you involve Snowman?"

Clover 10:24 PM

"About an hour and a half or so ago I spoke with Nepeta, then immediately sought out Trace. Once I had spoken with Trace, I left him to make the decision if he was going to inform Crowbar of the situation as he should himself and sought out Fin. I found him not long before this meeting was called and called Snowman shortly after confirming he was complicit in the plan."

Scratch 4:18 PM

You make a note of it. An hour isnt bad at all, timing is everything in these matters. In most matters, really. Not that you would honestly know how to punish Clover if he did make the wrong move. Lucky for both of you he's smart enough to know better. "Right. If thats all for now then, you're dismissed. Please keep in mind that Trace is not allowed visitors." Except for you, but you're the exception to all rules, considering you make them.

Clover 4:24 PM

"No hug or gossip?" > Little smile. "I s'pose you've got a lot to do."

Scratch 4:31 PM

You smile, taking a pause in your writing. "Unfortunately you're right, theres much to do. In any event, I didnt think you would be in the mood for a hug, everything considered. Last I recall you were rather close to those three."

Clover 4:41 PM

"You'll get it eventually," you say, the tiniest hint of teasing in your voice.

Scratch 8:55 PM

Honestly, you're not entirely sure what he means. Whats there to get. "What is it I'm meant to be getting?"

Clover 9:03 PM

"Me, of course!" > It's on that note that you turn to leave, humming.

Scratch 10:01 PM

You dont go back to writing right away. Why do you feel like he got you? Did you just get got? Whatever. You have too much to do, and as always both too little and too much time to do it.

Trace 12:57 AM

Shortly before arriving at the cells, you stop. It's hard to think or remember much of the conversation through the fog of pain and shock, but parts are slowly coming back and one hits you especially hard. 'You're going to lose everything.' It's hard to imagine the extent that Scratch means, but if he says everything... you have little doubt that he very much means everything. "Crowbar. Can I- can I make a request."

Crowbar 1:01 AM

You pause. Take a deep breath. Doc might not appreciate you showing hesitation or concern in this situation but he isn't exactly around. Can't hurt to hear him out. You ask, "What is it, Trace?"

Trace 1:05 AM

You wince a little as you let down your broken arm, now without support, as your other digs into your pocket. You pull out a little bundled tissue, inside the rings from your most recent engagement. You hesitate for a moment, not sure if you should really dare to ask. But you're not sure what else Scratch got planned for you and you don't want to put these at risk if you can avoid it. "Could you... give these back to Nepeta?"

Crowbar 1:09 AM

You furrow your brow, taking the tissue and inspecting the rings. Your mouth opens and closes as your mind conjures up conflicting responses. Cold, warm, understanding, curt... You can't decide. With a heavy sigh, you tuck the rings safely into your breast pocket. "Anything you'd like me to tell her?" you ask.

Trace 1:20 AM

That's actually more than you expected. You think for a moment, trying to find the right words. "That I trust her. I want to trust her. I really do." You blink a few times as tears are welling up again. You wanted to tell her yourself, but you're not even sure when you'll get the chance for that. "Thank you.."

Crowbar 1:24 AM

You nod, patting the rings hidden away on your chest. You keep your words of sympathy to yourself but you feel it goes without saying. You continue on your way, regardless of your heavy heart.

Trace 1:25 AM

You follow, at least one little worry lighter, but still too many remain.

[llysandra]

50 questions you’ve never been asked

Thank you so much for tagging me, @marauders-groupie​! I am sorry it took me ages to get to it but I just now got some vacation days and a chance to take care of my health a little so I only just now found any spare energy.

1. What is the color of your hairbrush? The one for everyday use is white with black bristles, but i also have that antique one made of mahogany wood with natural-kinda golden in color-bristles and silver inscription of my initial. I got it second-hand and realy cheap but it is beautiful and i love the way it treats my hair.

2. Name a food you never eat? Spinach, and liver, and any animal insides honestly.

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? Too cold. I am always the one that wears sweaters.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Tiding kitchen, doing dishes all that stuff. 

5. What is your favorite candy bar? Chocolate of any kind is always good.

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports event? Not that I remember.

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? „thank you”

8. What is your favorite ice cream? I love hazelnut ice-cream and cookie dough is a nice flavour too!

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee

10. Do you like your wallet? Yes, it's dark green and so tiny i can put it in jeans pocket.

11. What was the last thing you ate? A sandwich for breakfast.

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? No, I haven't buy anything for a while now.

13. The last sporting event you watched? Let's just asume i am not into sports :)

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Mixed salt and carmel popcorn!

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? Text? Probably my mom. DM – messenger conversation with my girls.

16. Ever go camping? Yup!

17. Do you take vitamins? I try, but i never remember to take them.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday? I used to, before they were closed because of the pandemia, and now i don't now if I'll be going back anytime soon.

19. Do you have a tan? No, it is very difficult for me to tan. I have that really white skin that is apparently resistant to sun.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? Can't I have both? Because it really depends on the day.

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? Rarely.

22. What color socks do you usually wear? Colorful or at least with patterns, if i had any one-colored socks they were mistaken for my brothers socks and confiscated.

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit? I rarely drive at all.

24. What terrifies you? failure.

25. Look to your left, what do you see? this

26. What chore do you hate? Dusting.

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? I love all accents. They make languages so much more interesting. 

28. What’s your favorite soda? Probably Cola

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus?  Fast food place, usually with friends when we are eating at the train stations on our way to somewhere.

30. Who’s the last person you talked to? My dad. He’s heading out to buy groceries and we were making a list.

31. Favorite cut of beef? I honestly don't understand that question... 

32. Last song you listened to? What the water gave me by Florence and The Machine

33. Last book you read? I am now reading „Crescent City”. 

34. Favorite day of the week? Probably friday.

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards? No

36. How do you like your coffee? With milk and honey usualy. Sometimes with cinnamon. Or vanilla ice-cream in the summer.

37. Favorite pair of shoes? My combat boots. And balerina flats.

38. The time you normally go to sleep? Around midnight 

39. The time you normally get up? Between 6:30 and 10:00, depends on the day and my work schedule. 

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunrise

41. How many blankets on your bed? Usualy only a comforter, right now one additional blanket.

42. Describe your kitchen plates: my plates are mixed from what was left of old plate sets from home.

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage? wine

44. Do you play cards? No, I am not good at remembering rules

45. What color is your car? I do not own one

46. Can you change a tire? No

47. Your favorite province? Provinces in my country do not differ overly much so I don't play favorites. 

48. Favorite job you’ve ever had? My summer job.  

50. How did you get your biggest scar? I rolled down the hill in the forest at night (because i was crawling backwards and i didn't know that between me and the rest of the hill is that four feet tall stone wall so i fall from it and roll and then i got up got to that battle reenactment we were doing, fight, work for the rest of the month and decided that shielding my new scar from sun is not what i am going to do and spend a week sun-bathing in Croatia. I also didn't get stiches so it's no wonder my back didn't heal properly.) Or maybe the bigger one is the one on the side on my knee where i accidentally cut myself with a knife at the uni trip. I got stiches for this one but refused to rest and went up the mountain with the rest of my group. In conclusion i got scars because i am clumsy idiot.  

49. What did you do today that made someone else happy? Probably nothing yet, but i have a whole day ahead of me. I am sorry if this is full of spelling and grammar mistakes

I am not going to tag anyone here because I have no idea who did this already and who changed their url and i am lost. Please do it if you want and tag me in your answers!❤︎

[ultimatefeather]

I was(n’t) tagged by @commander-up bc they didn’t tag anyone but they mentioned me so I’m doing this

Rules: answer these 82 questions and tag 20 people.
 Last: 
 1. drink?- Mtn Dew unfortunately 
 2. phone call?- does facetime count? Bc then Em to ‘be’ at their graduation party. I have no idea what my last phone call was
3. text message?- I said 'okay’ to my mom 
4. song you listened to?- I’m listening to Lion by Hollywood Undead right now
5. time you cried?- yesterday bc I was at camp and we had a really deep conversation about the LGBT+ community and I got really emotional

Have you ever: 
6. dated someone twice?- nope
7. kissed someone and regretted it?- no
8. been cheated on?- no
9. lost someone special?- yeah, in a way I guess I have 
10. gotten drunk and thrown up?- nope

Favourite colors: 
11. Red
12. Black
13. Gold

In the last year have you: 
14. made new friends?- yeah, people at camp
15. fallen out of love?- I guess so
16. laughed until you cried?- that hasn’t happened in a long time
17. found out someone was talking about you?- not that I know of, but I assume people do it anyway so… 
18. met someone who changed you?- yes- the people I met at camp this past week have helped me in so many ways
19. found out who your friends are?- :| 20. kissed someone on your facebook list?- nope

General: 
21. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life?- all of them
22. do you have any pets?- yes I have three cats and I love them all and they’re wonderful
23. do you want to change your name?- no, I’m okay with it
24. what did you do for your last birthday?- I went to my best friend’s house and we had a fire bc my parents were out of the country
25. what time did you wake up?- 7:00 am
26. what were you doing at midnight last night?- I was sleeping bc I’m lame and tired 
27. name something you can’t wait for- college bc I get out of the house for a long time (7 days until freedom my dudes !!)
28. when was the last time you saw your mom?- ten minutes ago when she said goodnight
29. what are you listening to right now?- I’m now listening to Tidal Wave by Owl City
30. have you ever talked to a person named tom?- ye
31. something that is getting on your nerves?- everything at the moment 
32. most visited website?- YouTube, but Tumblr is a close second 
33. hair colour?- light brown
34. long or short hair?- long
35. do you have a crush on someone?- maybe? Who knows man I’ve kind of given up on people right now (but that’ll probably change as soon as I see an attractive person)
36. what do you like about yourself?- honestly? There’s nothing about me that I like.
37. piercings?- just my ears
38. bloodtype?- no idea
39. nickname?- Lainers (but I haven’t heard that in a while- my friends and I usually just make weird noises at each other)
40. relationship status?- single 
41. zodiac?- cancer
42. pronouns?- she/her
43. favourite tv show?- I don’t really watch tv
44. tattoos?- none right now but I have plans…
45. right or left handed?- right
46. surgery?- nope
47. sports?- soccer and throwing for track and field
48. vacation?- like where I want to go? Anywhere really- it’s my goal to visit every country in the world so… it doesn’t matter to me
49. pair of trainers?- anything, I really don’t care
50. eating?- nothing as of now
51. drinking?- still nothing
52. i’m about to?- sleep bc I’m exhausted 
53. waiting for?- seeing my friends, then college
54. want?- to be happy and not hate myself and to be able to show my friends how much I love them
55. get married?- maybe- hopefully bc I get lonely easily and I want someone to be around for life but also I’m afraid of becoming my parents so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 
56. career?- musician? Or maybe a hitman…

Which is better 
57. hugs or kisses?- hugs. I’m a super huggy person 
58. lips or eyes?- eyes 
59. shorter or taller?- both
60. older or younger?- older? I guess I don’t care
61. nice arms or nice stomach?- arms I guess
62. hook up or relationship?- relationship?
63. troublemaker or hesitant?- I don’t care

Have You Ever:
64. kissed a stranger?- no 
65. drank hard liquor?- yeah- it was great
66. lost glasses/contacts?- nope
67. turned someone down?- who tf would ask me out
68. had sex on the first date?- nope
69. broken someones heart?- I don’t know…? 
70. had your heart broken?- not really broken, just moderately disappointed (mostly with myself tho)
71. been arrested?- not yet
72. cried when someone died?- yes
73. fallen for a friend?- nope

Do you believe in: 
74. yourself?- not in the slightest
75. miracles?- maybe? Idk man
76. love at first sight?- if you fall in love at first sight then you’re falling for someone’s looks and not personality and that’s dangerous my dude 
77. santa?- I’m a legal adult
78. kiss on the first date?- never been on a date so nope 79. angels?- sure

Other: 
80. current best friend’s name?- Em (yes you’re my best friend you dong)
81. eye color?- blue
82. favorite movie?- Wonder Woman as of right now

It’s late and I’m tired so I’m not tagging anyone but if you know me and took the time to read this, you’re tagged

Also I’m very sorry about any spelling mistakes my eyes are slowly blurring and I can’t tell when I’m writing

Edit: so the format fucked up and I can't fix it on mobile so here it is I guess

[taming-my-unquiet-mind]

It’s not that simple

I thought stable meant stable. I mean I take the meds every evening, and though they don’t let me sleep and cause some dizzy spells, they are working really great. I reacted so incredibly well on the smallest dose I was really hesitant to increase to the next level. However, a couples days prior to upping I could tell a difference. That seems to be the rotation I will be following until I get to a respectable dose.

The anxiety is back. I woke up with it. Not entirely foreign, but definitely not the norm. I’ve started the deep breaths again which sucks. A lot. The weight is starting to increase in my chest, my shoulders are having a harder time staying relaxed, my mind seems resolute on refusing to focus. And then it shifts to that darker and yet scintillatingly greater place. 

The addictive delusion of grandeur, my internal monologue of self centered thinking starts. It dances and swirls around the equally destructive increased sex drive, which arrives in tandem with these thoughts and creates a double helix of bad ideas. Even now I sit here thinking about delicious mistakes, impulsive behaviors, terrible actions I wouldn’t be able to come back from. And while picturing shameful fantasies I simply think “I can pick up the pieces later”. My sexuality kicks into overdrive and I’m desperate to find a man to satiate it- ugh that sounds so stupid.And, ya. I said man. Bisexuality doesn’t really present much since I have been with the wife for so long. I don’t bother defining cuz there is no point. I’m not a gay or a bi, I’m a “Her”. But in these moods, I am as straight as an arrow and yearn to be man handled and fucked into oblivion. I know that’s crass but it’s the only thing I can think of. I grit my teeth and try to focus on work as best as I can. It’s painfully awkward to speak to anyone in this state. Mercifully, the mood passes like a receding wave and the pressure on my chest returns. Maybe I should increase the meds sooner... maybe my body fights the improved mood too hard. But I wonder if it has anything to do with the exercise yesterday.

I used to condition daily in high school for basketball. I would go to the elementary school basketball court in my neighborhood and practice without requirement because the act of pushing myself was addictive. I would run miles around my block in a neighborhood were no one went running. In college the internal discipline continued as gym days were any day that ended in Y. Then something happened in my late twenties; the long time love of physical exertion abandoned me. I wasn’t the same. I somehow managed to run a couple marathons but it was during the reprieves of the disorder. Since the bipolar hit in full force (6 years ago? 5?) I’ve gained almost 30 pounds, become a sedentary, miserable, gluttonous sloth. I’ve been told liquor and alcohol stimulate the dopamine receptors in your brain mimicking the feelings of happiness. It makes sense then that people (read: I) tend to find refuge in these vices.

Since the meds, the yearning has stopped, at least for the vices. The liquor impulses have receded significantly (which is amazing but I’ll explain that later).  Yesterday, I challenged my meds to see where I was at after the mrs. inspired.

She played golf this weekend and a 2 hour tennis match. Yesterday she played another round of golf in 95 degree weather then played another 2 hour match outside on blazing clay courts. She kicked ass- and I was there to support. Something I miss out on constantly when unmedicated. She walks off the court as red as a pomegranate and exhausted but happy. I felt, in comparison, like a sack of fat. So instead of joining her for dinner, I went for a run.

It was still rather warm, so I assumed I would collapse after the first half mile. I turned on my run tracker and set off hesitantly. Mile one flew by like a breeze. I felt almost manic in my happiness. Turning the corner after the next block, I decided I was determined to run 2 miles, and found to have the energy to do so, so I kicked up the speed (which by the way isn't much- an 11:30 mile is rather good for me so "kicking it up” is a 11:00). I typically run with music, but marathon training has shown me the benefits of running with only your breathing as a soundtrack. That’s what I choose to do this run. It allows me to ensure that I don’t short myself and start wheezing too early. But by the time I hit the mid way point on my second mile I could feel an ache settling in. I began to panic. I wasn't ready to quit but I didn't think I could complete the 2 miles if I continued the same way. My last recourse was to use my phone as a speaker. I know that's pretty obnoxious but I didn’t care. Speaker in my hand I slowed slightly, determined to hit my target. I started the internal conversation I used to have with myself.

I scolded my quads, angry at my body for thinking it could stop before my mind commanded it. Then a song came on, one of my youth. One that I would use to sink into the pain and lean into my illness as a sort of comfort. I almost skipped it but something pulled at me. I kept it on, and went back to my run. Bipolar hasn’t allowed me to enjoy music from certain bands, because as soon as I hear it I immediately sink into a dark place. Jimmy Eat World is one. Their track “Kill” is the worst. As I ran, it the opening guitar strumming began to play.

Funny how I'm nervous still I've always been the easy kill I guess I always will

The more it sang, the faster I went. I listened to the lyrics. I started to sing. I realized I was singing to myself. Simply mouthing at first, then I began to whisper the familiar bridge between huffing breaths and felt a hit to the heart. 30 seconds into it I realized I was addressing myself, the bipolar victim that I’d been for years.

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes

I pushed on. My phone’s GPS interrupted and told me I had hit two miles. I ignored it and focused on the song in the background. I tore out.

So go on love Leave while there's still hope for escape Got to take what you can these days There's so much ahead So much regret

That was it- I was sprinting. I was screaming at myself in my own head. Angry that I hadn’t been able to do this in so long. Angry that I couldn’t or wouldn’t push myself. Angry that it had been years since my muscles were forced to build up that lactic acid because I fucking said so. Then the lyrics that are normally my undoing approached. At the anticipation of the next words, I know I'm about to break

I can't help it baby, this is who I am

Despite my wants, tears begin to stream down my face

Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel

Impossibly, I push harder , run faster. I want to force it out. I don't want to hear this any more.

You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break

I scream. Out loud. To no one. And everyone.

I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I stifle one more scream as I lunge the last few steps.

"Workout ended. Total distance 2.25 miles. Average Pace 10 minutes 42 seconds. Fastest pace, 8 minutes 59 seconds"

A smirk breaks across my face. At least as well as a smirk can creep along your face when you are dying from over exertion. I began to walk in order to regaining the breath I cannot find. Laughing as I finish the loop, I feel lighter than I have in years.