#sorry for all the musing lol

[lockandkeyhyena]

anyway, it sucks but i think overall i’m glad to be leaving the youtube warrior cats community, the tumblr wc community is the chillest section of the fandom imo and lacks a lot of the younger fans that have yet to mature or acknowledge the flaws in the books.

[tinystepsforward]

it's notable that while terfs have certainly discovered me at this point, they're generally not attacking me personally bc i'm not a trans woman

[home-of-the-squirmle]

When you're trying to smuggle your favorite critter out of the lab but it keeps Squeaking

[ann-chovi]

Sometimes I feel a little self conscious of all of the Harding/Rook art I want to do

And then I see all of the great art other folks do of THEIR Rooks with their respective LI's

And see how LITTLE of it is Harding/Rook

....I can fill that niche dammit. I'm allowed to.

gonna draw so much of these goobers

[ghoulish-art-tendencies]

i would get eaten up on phan twitter

yeah

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

The whole discourse about the privacy/secrecy/support thing has been sitting with me for a few days (I mean other than it always does to a certain degree) thanks to all the excellent discussion happening and I know I'm not saying anything that hasn't been said a million times before, but I think what we're seeing and what we're going to learn (e.g. from TTPD) is that it wasn't just the support issue, but how it was shown/handled.

We've all gone out of our way to show that introversion =/= lack of support. Someone can be shy, reserved, etc. and still show up for their partner, whether in public or at home. To chalk any of the differences up to the clash between introversion and extroversion is unfair to folks who count themselves among either tbh.

@thisisctrying said something the other day that hit the nail on the head about how if that support had been offered in private, there very well may not have been a Joever to begin with, or at least not at this point in time. (Sorry for loosely paraphrasing, and for namedropping you! Long time listener, first time poster.)

If this were a case where the "shy" partner said, "I am really uncomfortable with the spotlight personally and do not want to court it, but I will support you in your ambitions and offer you whatever you need to make them happen and make the glare bearable," I suspect that would have gone a long way to making Taylor feel seen and comfortable in pursuing her goals in the way that she now has. Again, that might have been more akin to the balance that seemed to have been struck around 2019 from what we can see, but even speaking in a general sense, there are lots of couples out there, celebrity or not, that have similar approaches where there are highly driven people and busy careers involved.

(A famous example being Dolly Parton's marriage. Tbh I know next to nothing about her and Carl, but she's always heralded as an example in this regard, because her husband is famously uncomfortable with the spotlight and hasn't accompanied her to public events in decades, but she's said that she never minded that because that was always work to her, and what was important was that he supported her in pursuing all her career goals and basically ensured she had a place to call home to return to at the end of the day.)

We're kind of in a brave new world with her current relationship because it felt like, at least at the start, we were maybe watching her figure out her boundaries in real time as to what she was comfortable with or not and adjust accordingly. Like so many have said, I fully believe the extreme privacy thing was initially driven by herself and her experiences in 2016, and she needed that quiet time to recover from all of the things and figure out how to exist in the world again.

Stating the obvious, it seemed like eventually privacy was equated with secrecy, turning the relationship and the celebrity into the elephant in the room and something to never be spoken of to the outside world. People are free to choose whatever works best for themselves and their relationships, and for some the separate public lives might work, but the “kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath” theme is all over her work and it’s clear that it’s a sore spot for her, because she’s been made to feel shame just for the life she leads so many times in the past.

What I’m trying to say is that it’s pretty obvious something Not Great was happening behind the scenes, which didn’t just amount to “she wanted to be a public celebrity and he wanted to be a private hermit.” (Also, in case anyone forgot, this is a person who also chose a public-facing career who also has to engage in press for it, but I digress.) As her career reached new heights post-folklore, if she had the support at home to do all the things without judgment and with encouragement, and in turn offer the same support to her partner, she may have very well lived just fine with that, not unlike Dolly Parton’s case.

By reading between the lines in all the press since, as well as comments on tour and general ~vibes~ with TTPD teasers, it seems like one of the issues was that that was likely not the case. There was all the stuff that we saw — the reticence to acknowledge each other in the media (particularly on one side), the lack of public support even at events at which they were both in attendance for their respective jobs, the great lengths they went to not to be photographed together at events they attended yet no problem taking pictures with other friends and coworkers, the jobs that separated them, the withdrawing from the public even for work accomplishments, etc. Which could all be manageable if a couple chooses to do so together and are not inherently a sign of trouble in themselves.

But what we’re seeing now I think is a reflection of the things we weren’t seeing then, and it seems to indicate some very deep hurt. (I know, call me Captain Obvious.) And like so many have been saying, it feels likely that that part of that hurt is rooted in that very lack of private support where a person would expect it from their partner. Obviously as a Taylor fan blog I’m going to be more inclined to understand her side of a story, but tbh, it’s also because… this is sooooooo common, and something I’ve experienced in my friend group. (@taylortruther is right when she says most breakups are the same one way or another lol.)

One partner is resentful of the other’s success, or resentful that the other’s priorities begin to evolve as new experiences unlock new goals, or feels the other’s ambitions are not worthy of pursuit, and coupled with perhaps their own struggles in the same domain, it’s easy to see where that can chip away at the other partner’s morale and faith in the relationship. I know I’m just speculating here, but I also don’t think it’s totally unfounded. (Again, because a) I’m picking up what she’s putting down and b) it happens to sooooooo many women even among us dull normals.)

With all the pointed mentions about how much Taylor feels supported in her current relationship and how she in turn loves to offer the same show of support to not only her partner but other loved ones, how she’s stepped out more in the last year to a whole host of events, how she’s mentioned feeling like she locked herself away for years and she’s just proud of her partner and happy she can show up for him even if the chaos around it is unsettling, it paints a picture of what perhaps was happening before last year.

To feel like you’re all alone in carrying the weight of the relationship (or burden of it), of twisting yourself into knots to accommodate the other person’s boundaries (or insecurities) but not feeling reciprocity for your own has to be so painful. (The idea that it may have been even darker and to have a partner not only be unreceptive to your own needs but even perhaps resentful/dismissive/belittling of them is even more painful to think of. I guess we’ll find out when TTPD comes out if that was the case, too.)

At a certain point, that lack of acknowledgement will force your hand to be able to reclaim yourself. And it feels like the further removed Taylor in particular is from it, the more she moves from being sad about the life she felt she gave up by leaving, to angry at the life she felt she was giving up by staying. Especially being in a relationship now where it seems like everything comes much easier, where she can be open about the person she’s with and show up for them, all the stuff that seemed as challenging as climbing Mount Everest in her past is nothing more than a molehill at best in her current life.

TL;DR: I don’t think it’s privacy that inherently spells doom for a celebrity relationship like this; it’s the mutual support and respect that does. If Taylor had felt that in the later years of her previous relationship, I think we could be seeing a different, though not necessarily unfulfilled, person right now in 2024, who’d be happy on tour but whose personal life would look a little different. But it seems like by losing that support she lost parts of herself, and we’ve seen her reclaim that in spades in the last year, and perhaps to degrees she didn’t even realize she could from before all the Bad Stuff started happening in her young adulthood.

I know this was extremely long-winded and unnecessary, especially about total strangers we only know through scraps fed through the media, but I just always bristle at this idea that issues like these boil down to “personality differences,” as though one person wants to live in a city and the other on a remote island, or some shit like that. The whole support (and gender tbh) issue is one that’s just very close to my heart because again, I have seen it play out with so many of my friends in long term relationships and marriages and I just think people in relationships (and women in particular in some circles) deserve better than to feel like they’re being, well, tolerated.

[daelete]

Slaps a little inbox call on the dash and runs off

[khattikeri]

i kinda struggle with liushen that's otherwise canon compliant. like sorry but to me, if those two fucked for any reason while luo binghe was in the abyss, shen qingqiu would sink further into turbo self-loathing depression. like post-nut clarity guilt but worse. how dare he enjoy himself and feel sexually gratified when he betrayed binghe, stabbed him and pushed him into that treacherous place. he really is scum, he deserves the revenge waiting for him after binghe escapes

[pendale]

secured a software dev internship IN THIS ECONOMY

[doloridis]

this is not directed at anyone + is simply something i've come to terms with since more and more alicent blogs have popped up and are floating around, but i'm really not very duplicate friendly. it's been a me-issue for as long as i've been in the rpc, but i typically am just very uncomfortable following solo blogs for characters that i myself also write, mostly because i am wildly insecure about my own abilities lol

[femmebit3]

Feeling so shitty today idk what’s going on with me

[princesssarcastia]

so, what if, instead of writing what I was supposed to write, I wrote 2.2k more top gun fanfic instead? That would be fine, right? Right.

Here, have the first chapter of the story I promised in the end notes of my last top gun fic.

Rooster gets a phone call. Phoenix and Fritz spectate, speculate, and get their heads spun.

(now also on ao3)

——————

Fall 2008

They’re thirty minutes away from freedom when he gets the call.  Thirty minutes away from boarding.  He’s been looking forward to this vacation for months, it took so much fucking work to get his and Phoenix’s and Fritz’s leaves to line up like this, and now—

Now he’s going to be in a bad mood for the entire flight.

Bradley stares down at the little rectangle of light.  Rachel. 

Rachel is calling him.

Phoenix finally turns to him, shifting in the shitty little airport chairs.  “You gonna get that, or what?”

He doesn’t want to.  He doesn’t want to have a fight with his…with Rachel right before he gets on a plane.  Doesn’t want to have a fight with her in front of Phoenix and Frtiz, who have never heard her name before.  Doesn’t have the wherewithal to string together all the words and context it would take to explain Rachel, and why she’s calling, and why they’re fighting, and the horrible words that are about to come out of his mouth and out of his phone speaker.

But if Rachel is calling him, he needs to pick up.

Bradley flips it open on the last ring and puts it to his ear.

Static.  The line is open.  But no words.  Bradley wanted today to be a good day, wanted to continue his week-long-streak of not consciously thinking about them, so he’s feeling petty enough to make her talk first.

“Wrong number?”  Phoenix asks, and she’s close enough that Rachel definitely heard. 

Bradley sighs, closes his eyes.  Gives in.  “Hey.”

More silence, and he swears, he swears he’s going to hang up the damn phone and get on the damn plane—

“I really thought you were going to let it ring out, for a second.”  Rachel’s voice sounds strained, which, nothing new.  But it also sounds quiet.  She sounds quiet.

Rachel has never been quiet a day in her fucking life.

“Rachel, what’s going on?”

“Rachel?”  Fitz asks, amused, and he catches Phoenix’s elbow to his stomach for it, because it shakes Bradley out of the strangeness of the moment and his seat.  He gestures that he’ll just be a minute, ignoring Fitz’s pout and Phoenix’s smug curiosity. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to—interrupt,” she says haltingly.  Almost polite. 

She’s never been polite to Bradley a day in her life, either.  Certainly not in recent memory.  “Yes, you did.  So, tell me, because I’ve only got thirty minutes here.”

“Oh.”  Even more silence.  “You’re.  Uh.  Going somewhere on your leave, then.”

“Yes, Rachel, I am entitled to….hang on.”  All it takes is the implication to ignite something in Bradley’s blood.  Something hot and choking.  “How the hell did you know I’m on leave?” 

“Mom told me.  She keeps track.”

“And how did Aunt Sarah know?”  Bradley grinds out. 

“Because she asked Dad to tell her when you were on leave.”

The duh in her voice is overpowering, and the hot feeling spreads to his eyes, his cheeks.  Bradley pulls the phone from his ear and presses it to his chest.  Closes his eyes.  Tries not to bite his own tongue off.  It’s an abuse of power, he’s not under Iceman’s purview right now, he’s nothing to them, they’re nothing to him, why can’t he just leave Bradley alone?  Can’t they give him that much?  Can’t they leave him alone?

His phone buzzes against his chest, sound reaching his bones even though it can’t reach his ears.

One breath.  Two breaths.  Deep, deep breaths, Bradshaw.

Rachel’s on the phone, and she’s quiet, and polite, and Bradley needs to know why.

“…please, I’m sorry, okay, but I need you to—” Bradley catches as he brings it back to his ear.

“Need me to what?  Why are you talking to me, Rach?”

“I need,” she breathes in so loudly Bradley can hear it, and he almost wants to smile.  Temper, temper, he wants to say, until he realizes its Aunt Sarah’s words trying to come out of his mouth, and they stall in his throat, another burn.   “help,” she finishes, and he almost misses it.

“Help.”

“Yes.”

“My help?  Rachel.”

“Yes, asshole, your help, you’re the one I’m calling.”

“Language,” he says automatically.  Turns back to Frtiz and Phoenix, both of whom are watching like he’s the most entertaining thing in the boarding area.  He meets her eyes and Phoenix starts to frown, starts to lean toward him, starts to mouth something that might be, ‘you okay?’ And he doesn’t want to answer her, so he turns away again.  “Listen, I don’t exactly have the experience to advise you on whatever college crisis you’re going through right now.  And I’m on the other side of the country,” he manages to bite off ‘as I’m sure your father’s apparently told you,’ “So why don’t you call your mom, who’s in the same city, and just—”

“Bradley!  I can’t.  I can’t call Mom, okay.”  Ah, now that’s more like it.  Shouting.

“Why not?”

Silence.  Again. 

Bradley sighs and rubs at his eyes so hard he sees stars.  “If you want my help, you’re going to have to give me a few more details, Rach.  Any details.  Any at all.”

“I need you to come to San Diego.  And.  And help me.  Here.”

“Come to San Diego?”  Bradley laughs out, incredulous.  “Not for all the fucking money in the world, Rach.  Not for god or money or, or a fucking promotion.  No.”

“Bradley, please.  I need—”

“Help, yes, you’ve said.  With what?  What can I help you with that Aunt Sarah can’t, that’s so important I have to fly across the country for?”  He’s getting mean, and he hates it.  Guilt starts curdling his stomach, because she’s just a kid, she doesn’t deserve his shit, but she won’t tell him what’s going on.

“This isn’t something I can tell you over the phone.”

“What, are they tapping your lines, now?  You gotta give me something.”

“It’s not over-the-phone news, Bradley, god, would you just—”

“No, I will not just, Rachel.  Tell me what’s going on, or so help me I will hang up the phone right now.”

“Bradley,”

“Rachel.”

“Bradley, just—”

“Rachel, just,” he fires back, mocking, and hates himself a little, but his flight is in twenty minutes and he wants this conversation to be over.  “I have to go, brat.  Call me back if you want to actually talk.”

“I’m pregnant!”

All the blood drops out of his face at once.  He staggers with the rush. 

“I’m pregnant, and I can’t tell Mom, I can’t, I can’t call Dad, I can’t call Uncle Maverick, Bradley, I can’t.  I won’t.  Please.  Please, will you just—”

“I’ll grab the next flight out.  Text you when I know my ETA,” he manages to say, and slaps his phone shut. 

Breathes.  Deep breath in.  Deep breath out.  Don’t pass out.  There’s a huge ellipse in his head, crowding out conscious thought, and for once it’s not because someone said Maverick’s name.

He needs to change his ticket.  He has to get to San Diego.

His feet carry him to the ticket counter on autopilot.

—

Rooster’s got a phone call, Phoenix wants to tease, sing-song, as Rooster walks away from them, because Rooster never gets phone calls.  This one must be something special.

He never brings girls to base or bars or hangouts, but he definitely shows up with hickeys sometimes, so she knows there are girls.  Theoretical girls.  This is an actual girl, actually calling Bradley, and Phoenix feels a little giddy at this snatch of new information.

She’d feel bad about that, except Fritz is just as enthralled sitting next to her.  Rooster’s just that close-lipped about his entire life before he joined the Navy, and his life outside it.  If she didn’t know it was impossible, Phoenix would have to assume he was born at age eighteen, in full uniform, ready to serve.

“What do you think?  Girlfriend?  Sister?”  Fritz asks, and Phoenix snorts.

“Oh, girlfriend, definitely.  If he had family, we’d know.”

“Not necessarily.  C’mon, it’s Rooster we’re talking about here, he could have ten sisters and not breathe a word of it until they were standing right in front of us.”

He’s not wrong, but she’s ready to fire back anyway, until Rooster turns back to them.

Wow.  Maybe it’s a break-up call, because he looks…

He looks….

His cheeks are flushed red, eyes glittering.  He looks dangerous.  He looks pissed-the-fuck-off. 

Seeing as he’s never looked so much a flustered, even when Hangman’s gunning for him hard as he can, Phoenix feels something lurch in her gut at the sight.  She leans forward, tries to catch his eyes, ask if he’s okay.

But he turns away.

“Shit, man,” Fritz breathes next to her. 

“Shit,” Phoenix agrees.

“Listen, you’re taking the middle seat, I am not sitting next to a pissed off Bradshaw for seven hours straight.”

“Hey, fuck you, that window seat is mine.  We already flipped for it.”

“Yeah, but he won’t get pissy at you.  He’d definitely get pissy at me.”

“Bradshaw’s never been pissy a day in his life, Fritz, keep it in your pants.  You’ll be fine.  Respect the sanctity of the coin flip,” she adds, final, when she can feel him gearing up for another whine.

Fritz grumbles, giving in because he knows what’s good for him, but Phoenix is glued to Rooster again, because he just tripped over nothing on the open floor.  “Maybe we should go check on him?”

“Oh, you want to go bother Mr. Professional about his personal life?  Your funeral.  I’m staying right here.”

Now he’s walking toward the ticket counter.  Checking their flight details again?  They’re all belt-and-suspenders types.  You can’t be any other way when you risk your life every day in a multi-billion-dollar deathtrap for the U.S. Government.  But Rooster is outright anal retentive at times, like he knows the story behind every rule and knows its written in blood.

On anyone else she’s call it anxiety, but Rooster’s not anxious.  He’s just…Rooster.

Calm.  Collected.  Delightfully mean, when you catch him on the right day, in a way that makes Phoenix wonder sometimes whether he really does have sisters.  But she always tucks the idea away without asking.  Her own sisters are written into her DNA.  She can’t imagine what would have to happen to them for Phoenix to keep them a secret, even from herself.

Fritz is starting to wax poetic about their destination again, and Phoenix turns to listen, because that’s more interesting than feeling vaguely sad about Rooster’s empty life. 

She gets so engrossed in the promise of great weather and warm beaches, so close now she can almost smell it, that Rooster manages to startle her when he hustles back to them.

“Hey, guys, change of plans.  You’ll have to go without me, sorry.”  He’s digging into this carry-on and pulling out the printed itinerary and hotel information before either of them can blink.  “Here’s the local map, and the rental, and here’s the stuff for the hotel.  Should be under your name, Fritz.”  He’s swinging the now-closed back up on his shoulder and turning back around before she or Fritz can even breathe in his direction.

“What?”  Phoenix manages to get out, yelp, really, at his retreating figure, before Rooster stops dead and turns back around.

“Yeah, hang on a minute, man, what the fuck?”  Fritz calls.

“My bag’s already checked for this flight, can you guys grab it when you get there, and bring it back?  I’m good for it, I promise.”

“I—yeah, Bradshaw, I can grab your damn bag, but what’s going on?  Where are you going?”

“Who was that on the phone?”  Fritz adds, and Phoenix doesn’t even elbow him this time.

“Sorry.  I’m sorry about this,” Rooster says, intent on them all of a sudden.  “Just—emergency.  I have to go.”

He doesn’t just turn on his heel and sprint this time, and Phoenix stares up at him, still…kind of flabbergasted.  “Where are you going?”  She asks again, faintly.

A beat.  Phoenix almost wants to take it back, the way she always does when someone asks Rooster a question he doesn’t want to answer.  But this is—absurd.  This is absurd!  They’ve been planning this vacation for months.  The sudden prospect of doing it without him sort of hollows her out.

“San Diego,” Rooster says, finally, and nothing else.  But he’s still standing there. 

“It’s alright, man,” Fritz says, gently, and Bradley nods at him, but he still doesn’t move. 

Phoenix works her mouth a bit, wondering, until she realizes.  He’s waiting for permission.  Her permission.  “Go on,” she sighs, feeling soft in a way she tries so hard not to be, around him.  “I’m sure you have a plane to catch,” she adds, and tries to give him a smile.  Only sort of succeeds.

He doesn’t smile back, just nods, and Phoenix does her best to keep it from cutting at her, watching him walk away.

“Text us when you get there!”  Fritz calls after him, and Phoenix shakes off the hurt feelings.

“And when you’re on your way back!”  She adds, and they get a wave in response.

And then nothing.  Rooster disappears into the crowds, the stack of papers on the seat next to her the only sign he was ever here at all.

“Christ.  Must be some emergency,” Fritz says. 

“Yeah, must be,” Phoenix gets out, but refuses to start speculating again.  When they finally land, she'll manage gratitude for Fritz, who doesn’t call her on the fact that she mopes all through boarding, and the first half of their flight.

For now, though, she wallows in the sulk.

[anthromimicry]

heyyy, y'all... so how are we all doing? i just wanted to say that my topic of discussion for today on here is that i have been contemplating adding one more power to misao's arsenal, BUT i promise y'all that it ain't anything major - i just think that it could possibly be kind of interesting if she could sort of 'partially' become a spider i guess you could say? and by that, i mean she could summon six (spider) legs out of her back that would allow her to like climb things and be able to strike people if they're within a close distance to her as well? yeah, because that would make her more 'monster-like' in a way BUT feel free to tell me what y'all think about this if you want :D

[lumiilys]

What if I just rambled in the tags rn?

[citrinitxs]

hiiiiiii i have. um. bad news lol.

this blog will be under renovations

ill explain why below but tldr: i am going to permanently distance myself from old fandoms (nothing personal to my moots, im just tired of everything with it), and also work on changing my blog theme. this counts for my muse lists, dossiers, and everything.

if u want the whole explanation, heres your cue to see it. warning for dissociation, drama (lmao), controversies with vas and fandom toxicity and the like. proceed with caution, i have zero filter and my thoughts are a mess (hadnt had decent sleep today, save me)

so, its not surprising when i say that i will be permanently leaving the hoyoverse space. roleplaying, writing, art, the works. im actually stopping on rping the games associated w/ them today onwards.

the reason/s behind it are simple, because it has been piling since day god knows when: drama, fandom being a cesspool of toxicity, general interests and college (wow, shocker!)

now, this blog just existed as an rp blog. thats its main purpose. ik its smth that shouldnt have drama or wtv, but i do see a lot of things abt hyv: most are positive depending on what game we're talking, but others were........ def smth i go "ah."

it actually caused me to distance from genshin, since the only thing tying me to this game were my friends. they're still into it + hsr, and i stuck around cause hey, thats what they like. and yes, i do love the game: i muse these bozos for a reason (/aff), but nowadays, i find myself hating it. i find myself regretting associating with it with how the fandom acts. any other time before it tanked, i would've said id stick by it till the end. now? im not sure if i can.

and whats worse is how ive seen the game treat its fans. the controversies it got into, the characters becoming more fanservice-y when it wasnt meant to be for some games, and even down to fans harassing each other and leaks. as much as i love the game before, its caused me to realize i just.. dont feel that spark.

the fomo is intense, people are yapping abt whatever tf the devs got into, what each game has that others didnt, and even the most tedious story segments (ahem. hsr. im looking at you for penacony and amphoreus.) drove me mental. and it was the sign i knew i needed to call it quits.

so im cutting the line here.

i love my muses. again. i love them so dearly, i wish to never let them go. i love my mutuals who talked to me w/ mine, who i still talk to when i got the chance (you know who you are) even outside it, but.... im tired. im tired, man.

so, this is my time to dip from the stage of hyv.

now, though, im not dipping from other fandoms. i am, however, going to introduce new ones i got obsessed with (tribe nine and path to nowhere being a few lmao). this is why i said the blog will be under renovations.

im also going to return to twisted wonderland, because i have sank to the rabbit hole and cant get out. if any of u wanna interact w/ them, feel free! it'll take a hot while till i can get it sorted, though.

i will say that, though im sad to leave the game that got me to my highest, i knew its time i gotta leave and pursue better avenues for myself. (im also keeping my replycons of these mfs, just gonna zip them in a dif. drive so i dont lose the amount of work i did before).

so. yeah. this is goodbye, hoyoverse.

thank you for the memories, for the friends you gave me, and for the characters i love.

but i think youve outstayed your welcome, and id like to find something that will make me happy again.

goodbye, and good luck.

[gu6chan]

been thinking about starting antidepressants lately. i have no idea what they DO really so no idea if they're really for me or not but man it's been getting just awful lately lol i hope i can afford them