#somewhere else had it worse(?)
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[SURFS INSIDE OF THE ASKBOX AGAIN] hello i am Here to ask about what the Hell do magpie and luci have going on. Considering the whole Thing. magpie's watch being important to him and how luci is associated with the backwards clock. That Kind of Ordeal ^<^
hai . i am so capable of being normal about this. lie.
ok so im once again going to be At It, some mix btwn scattered notes and infodumping and me just saying words You Get It. i have Not been talking abt them as much as i think abt them, theyre another dynamic that haunts me to death. you understand. anyway; ~28 paragraphs.
so first i should Probably actually go over magpie as a character bc i. somehow. dont think i have. at all. so ^_^
magpie, our funny little manager, is introduced mostly as a negligible character. honestly? he just kind of sucked. shows up to be really annoying before dipping again, yapping just because he can, mostly. hes set up entirely to be some 'rich completely-inept asshole climbing the corporate ladder,' acting like hes So In Touch With Everyone (but still blatantly comes across as a complete and total narc). this is on purpose. magpie is a liar.
none of that is true, and he simply plays up the role so that people dont really suspect anything of him. actually, hes not supposed to be the manager at all. at his core, hes actually just. some guy from the backstreets people hire to do misc dirty work-- delivering information, just so happening to mess up in places that takes attention away from someone else, poking his nose places it doesnt belong-- hes got the look and charisma of someone who can be trusted, and he plays it up Hard. multiple times.
he has several different presentations he cycles through to get people to see him a certain way. he is Very Good at his job. he Hates his job. so much so, in fact, that after a particularly. messy. instance, he dropped off the map entirely to figure out some way-- any way at all-- to regain some sort of stability. (to stop the inevitability of harm even a little bit, even just once. (to make up for it all, maybe.))
so. yeah! magpie lies. a lot. he doesnt really care for status or the company as a whole at all-- originally it was just t cause problems for people he views as In Power, but likeā¦ fuck dude theres a LOT of people who Just Work Here, and if he went through with just Causing Problems like he thought he was going to, well. oof. so. change of plans! honestly now hes just trying to find some way to Get Everyone The Fuck Out Of Here.
he plays the part, and he snoops. he pretends not to notice shit he Definitely shouldnt be allowing (but likeā¦ if it makes shit easier for them, then yknow..) and pretty much justā¦ lets people treat him however. because ultimately his act is Annoying and Untrustworthy yes, but also Completely Nonthreatening. people will let him get away with a LOT of shit with the excuse that he is "kinda stupid" and "doesnt know what hes doing." and well, yknow. whatever works! there is no way this can backfire <33
. so his thing with luci.
luci also generally sticks to her role as just kinda. yknow. Managerial Guide. at least to start out with. shes just figuring shit out yknow. and honestly, nobody really catches onto her being likeā¦ Conscious. except for Magpie. because he would always make dumb little quips and jokes at her out of habit-- yknow, like one talks to a particularly unruly printer or something-- and then she would respond in kind. likeā¦ snarking back enough to be like Okay Theres No Way Someone Just Programmed That In There Right. and not just that, she'd return with her Own little quips and questions, then act as though she didn't.
magpie originally takes this as a kind of "haha ok thats kind of fucked, at least thats something Super Illegal against these guys we can use if we need to" but then. unfortunately. the thing about magpie is that, against his own instincts, he cares for people. a Lot. he doesnt much enjoy watching people in danger-- and most certainly doesnt want to cause any of that Himself, he's over that.
which is to say: he Instantly gets attached. he cant really say it, but he counts her as as much of a person as anyone else is pretty much instantly, despite him knowing he really really shouldnt be doing that this is so stupid he cant just jump to conclusions like that and if anyone finds out theyre all So Dead. but he cant :( he cant help itā¦ hes just a lil guy and luci is very obviously doing a horrible fucking job at hiding the fact that shes likeā¦ conscious. and he has a role to play up too, so its not like he can Do anything, especially since shes part of the damn facility's system and can probably get into contact with important people really easily..
so for a while, its just. luci thinking shes doing a great job at slinking around and playing the manager for a fool the whole time, and magpie fully aware but pretending not to notice and trying to just make things passively easier for her to figure herself out without anyone noticing. its insufferable. because theyre both Correct and Entirely Wrong about each other.
luci completely falls for his Dumb Manager facade and plays the part accordingly, playing around with him because its convenient and kind of funny, she also happens to be the only one who catches on that he is Not Supposed To Fucking Be Here, but plays along because, again, convenient. easy enough scapegoat if she needs it. meanwhile magpie clocks onto her Instantly, but Completely misses the fact that she isnt just innocently futzing around like he thinks she is. he somehow completely trusts her, so much so that despite being the only person who could possibly figure out her Scheming he just. completely rules it out. i really have to reiterate, they are So fucking insufferable.
it isnt until past halfway through th fucking game that luci catches on that magpie's front is . well, a front. and she is genuinely insulted she never caught on. its so fucking funny. and then things get kinda complicated bc likeā¦ [waves hands around] story eventsā¦..
luci kinda functions as a sorta "final boss" for the whole thing, in heavy quotes. ihavent decided exactly how itll go yet, but. waves hand around. the point is that shes kind of directly responsible for a LOT of people dying, and also kind of for directly threatening Them as well. but the thing is, she hinges Immensely deeply on the idea of Relevancy. because her own nature is so fickle and fragile, shes insistent on making a strong Impression of herself-- as this is what she feels like will root her into reality. something much like how abnormalities function-- ideas dont really ever die, and neither do they. and Thats what she wants more than anything.
so. while it wasnt exactly her entire Goal from the start, if she can cement herself as a Villain, then sure. whatever. it could be fun! and she plays it up. as she is wont to do.
that whole thing is important because of th fact that like.. the only person who Doesnt immediately believe that image of her IS magpie. likeā¦ yeah hes kinda had th rug pulled out from under him completely (and its kind of true that if he'd been a little more observant that he could have literally stopped all of this.. he tries not to think about it too hard.) but he also justā¦ god, despite everything he still hates the idea of having to do anything to her.
it takes him a while to figure out why, but its because he's ALSO immediately able to call out her bluff. AGAIN. due to being pretty much the only person that talks to her directly (and.. genuinely ??? kind of??) he can tell when she is intentionally hiding something. she is very deliberately playing up the Idea of what a villain Is, goading everyone on, but he knows damn well what shes about. the issue is that it isnt wholly untrue either.
its like. yeah she intentionally hurt a lot of people, and will probably keep doing that if someone doesnt Do something about her (like everyone else wants to doā¦) but alsoā¦ well to put it bluntly, again, she wants little more than simply to be able to Live.
shes purposefully putting herself into a role in order to get what she wants, confident that she can do whatever she wants with no consequence, and treats the entire thing as a weird little game. she doesnt really hold any malice in her heart, she just. she's just desperate and deeply, deeply confused.
shes not good, but shes not evil either. she is JUST stupid. she doesnt know what shes doing and will do just about anything to hide that fact because she hates the feeling of not having control over these things. something she Also tries to hide. honestly hes not really sure if she even notices it herself.
at this point luci has literally never had to deal with the consequences for her actions so this is quite literally the Peak of her hubris arc. to put it in a way, shes convinced she understands how the story goes and can change it how she wants, and she Does Not and Cannot. her arc is essentially trying to assign narrative significance to things in the hopes that it Fulfills something in her. it does not. instead she just has a bunch of problems she caused herself. oops. oh well <33 and its not like magpie doesnt try!! unfortunately its a little hard to talk someone down when theyre Actively Trying To Kill You, and also when theyve completely resigned themself to this sort of Only One Of Us Can Survive ultimatum.
which is to say luci keeps collecting death flags and well. oops <333 which kind of ends with magpie being literally the only person who knows that luci was ever anything other than that Antagonistic Presence she insisted on being (because she would rather have committed fully to that than to ever reveal that maybe, just a little, she was terrified of what would happen otherwise..)
but most importantly, luci ends up being Another Person that magpie couldn't help. its not like he couldve DONE anything, she would've refused anything and everything regardless, its just. man. god. ugh. thatā¦ that sucked. its not like he has a horrible track record of repeatedly failing to save people or anythingā¦ lol lmaoā¦ā¦ā¦
so hey, the watch, right?
its something he got from one of his little jobs. last one he ever took, actually. he'd never say it was really a Moral way to make it day to day, but like, what Was, right? nothing was Really moral, everyone just kinda did what they had to; so like, no need to worry about it right? no time for all that. but then you pay a little too much attention, slip up a little, get to know someone a little too much; learn they're pretty much exactly like you are. someone with wants and hopes, little preferences and stories they get excited to share.
and then you get the guy killed. part of the plan from the start, of course, but like... he was Right There. its different when you have to look em in the eyes when you do it, yknow?
magpie's key running emotion is Guilt. he spent so long trying to avoid facing the reality of who he was and what he was doing, but unfortunately it catches up to him Big Time. he's just deceptively good at acting as though that isn't the case. no time to slow down, after all. he couldnt Afford to do anything else. honestly? his entire stunt with lcorp wasnt even something he Thought about too hard. it was stupid and impulsive and he knows it, but now he's Here, and he Has to do something. it has to be something, he can't just let it go. can't just let them go. (some part of him hopes that at the very least when it Does all backfire on him, at least it'd help somebody in the process...)
the watch is a reminder. something kind of absentmindedly tossed at him by the guy who put him on the job as a little something extra, (or in other words, something they didnt bother to want to deal with.) and then it turns out, it was just some petty fuckoff disagreement between them that started th whole thing! but its cool because he gives you the dead guy's watch "to sell for at least a little extra, as a tip." right. of course. yeah, that's... yeah, thanks. great!
he cleaned it and fixed it up and he keeps it as a memento. a little "hey dont fuck up again ok buddy?" a little "you could literally die at any time so like just remember that ok buddy?" ... an "at least let me honor this somehow before karma comes back and inevitably kicks my ass." equal parts reminder and weight to bear. sentimental piece and confession of guilt.
luci's ordeal with backwards clock is a mostly out-of-narrative subject-- assigning her abnos to thematically tie with for funsies. the clock is, wouldnt you guess it, linked with her experience with regret. its... very, very complicated to explain, especially because of the fact that 1) shes already so goddamn hard to decipher and 2) she is Also fully incapable of processing it for what it is.
which... kind of brings me to the whole Thing. magpie is plainly, fully aware that trusting luci in the way that he is is by all means a horrible, horrible idea. she's made it abundantly, repeatedly clear she will simply do whatever benefits her most at any given point. but all magpie can really see is someone struggling just a few paces behind him, exactly somewhere he has been, something he remembers incredibly clearly. as stupid as it may be, he wants to help her. he wants her to be able to find herself, confront what she refuses to acknowledge, give her a fighting chance.
he cant stand the idea of letting someone slip through his fingers like that. it's... its complicated, but its something he wants to stand by. luci just doesnt get it. she still holds a grudge towards him after everything, an odd caution knowing that he just. knows things about her. has seen her for what she is, further than she can bear to acknowledge herself, as bad of a job as she's doing hiding it. luci will continue to refuse any opening he gives to her, but he will continue to offer the option, time and time again.
. anyway heres some images.
#I HOPE THIS IS COHERENT theyre very difficult for me to speak about concretely for a variety of reasons#piktalk#pikocs#luci's thing with emotion is Weird because she will fully deflect anything by claiming shed meant to do something the entire time.#changing herself to become something else; hiding her actual intent by making it seem worse or better than what it actually is.#you just wont know because she intrinsically defends herself by theatricizing in a hyperbolic way.#there is one; maybe Two things she could not do that with to herself; and it sticks in her like a thorn.#cant rationalize herself out of being wrong; messing up; Having Actual Stake in something and Failing. she hates it. deeply.#so she pretends it never happened. (she cannot; in fact; do this.)#at the end of everything; luci is Very Very Bad At This. and magpie is the only person who sees it for what it is.#someone trying hard to feel in control no matter the cost. she cant lie to him because she let her guard down against him so early-#-thinking he wasnt listening. but also before she had those facades up to redirect perception of her.#he Knows her. uncomfortably so; for her. honestly; shes just curious and confused and trying to make out what Anything is.#and now she cant hide that from somebody. AND they refuse to antagonize her about it. somehow this is worse. awful. awful.#i hesitate to define it as such but its as close as anything can get. nervous man and his awful awful daughter he picked up somewhere.#anyway. time to stop looking at this for a while KSJBGJHDg#hopefully this is coherent. unfortunately bc They dont know what theyre doing I ALSO dont know what theyre doing; so;
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a delete later wip so im turning off reblogs but yay my turn for a scene redraw
#minhmy rambles#going to rly ramble in the tags now so like ignore all of this#im going to delete it anyways i needed to ramble somewhere that isnt my twitter circle#more rambly tags just to rly shove it all down#and theennnn ine more#ok. so. i think work is rly killing me lol working every day is really taking a toll on me and i cannot draw and write as much as i want to#while also keeping up my social life and Also making sure i get some alone time too#its so hard its sooooo so hard to keep my spirits up im so tired all the time#and its not like i have a choice i have to work every day because no one else can cover my shift and its been like this since may#like ive only had 4 days off since then.#im getting another day off next week for grandfest bc i need it#and im getting a weekend in october but i don't think i can get any other days off in the year#ughghhhh my job is so easy literally i draw all the time right thats why most of my art is traditional bc im drawing at work#i can just sit at my desk and be on my phone if there's nothing to do its literally the easiest $19/h of my life#so i wouldn't trade it for the world but god i keep making mistakes bc i just havent had much of a break#ughghhh my mental state would be so much worse if i wasn't taking magnesium too#its just. raghghghh#you know? just like that#i can get through it. i am just struggling the tiniest bit
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So i had a dream last night which wasn't a nightmare and i even remember most of it! which is super exciting. I barely ever remember dreams that are just simply that so this is a fairly rare occasion for me.
It was weird tho
But it was.. i don't even know what it was so let me ramble about it in the tags a bit
#there was this bioluminescent and also biotoxic creature in a city at night#it was bipedal sort of humanoid shaped but with definitive deep sea features#it had that transparent skin and flesh and body with bioluminescing highlights#which i have no idea how it worked because the entire dream took place in a city enviroment on very much dry land but it's a dream innit#the face was definitely not human more a jumble of fishy features#it was gorgeous btw in a humanoid monster sort of fascinating way#it had this weird feel to it that it's something very old that should not be here now.. some sort of reminiscence of a bygone era#i might try to draw it but i don't know how successful i'd be to be honest#anyway so i was part of a group (don't know what kind exactly) and i never seen any of them i just knew they existed#and there was this innate knowledge that the creature was kind of hunting or more like luring us but we also were hunting it#i don't know if it did something to us before or we just had this unexplainable pull towards it but we definitely were fixated on it#and it was supposed to be a big threat even just by existing and walking around but also would have been bad if it was dead#but i don't know why was it so bad because the ātoxicityā of the creature wasn't lethal it just made you stuck in a blissful delirious stat#just by being too close to it and which in most cases would fade when it moved away so the other alternative felt way worse#cuz if it would die something else would have gotten loose which would have been worse than the delirium#it was some sort of unstoppable deadly madness i think.. at least that was what i felt the dream eluded to#and i think we wanted to neutralize it somehow but we had no idea how to avoid disaster that surely would come if it dies#but it would have also revitalize nature on a basically divine scale by giving it's body back to it so there was this dilemma the whole tim#but none of us would have any answers so we just followed this inner draw regardless of the uncertainty#and the entire dream was basically us lureing the creature somewhere but simultaniously it was somehow luring us in as wel#to the same spot#it was a vast moonlit fieald outside of city bounds surrounded with tall dark trees and the sky was littered with stars#and a sharp cliff to one side#so we arrived there and we were standing on opposite sides and look towards each other#but looking into the creatures eyes literally woke me up#there was a noise it made and i know i understood it as words inside the dream but i can't remember what it was after waking just the noise#and that was it#it wasn't long i think tho it felt that way
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1/3 of the way done of this last page, then I can finally post it all o|-<
#blabbering#idk who even cares or knows what I'm talking about; but I just wanna talk about what's on my mind somewhere; even if it's to no one#I just haven't had much confidence in art or gaming prowess lately; but I'm still trying#I mean I haven't had much to begin with; but it's just tanked worse lately bc I'm probably just burnt out from work and need a break#I just wanna do fun stuff with friends; but I'm constantly plagued with conflicting schedules (aka the quintessential adult experience lol)#but at least after I'm done this thing I meant to do simply and quickly (but wound up taking way longer than I thought) I'll be happy#i just can't make myself really do anything else until it was done bc it would keep looming over my head and I need it done for reasons#at least tomorrow is a nice short day in the timeframe I like; so I'll be in higher spirits#lol sorry I've been complaining so much lately alskjdflsf. I just don't have anyone to talk to about random stuff on my mind lakjdlf#anywho bed time and then short shift and then FREE FOR THE WEEKEND + Friday :catjam:#also I think I have seasonal allergies again (no idea what from lol)#and i also stubbed my toe multiple times last week and it's still a bit swollen and hurts to put pressure on one part (bone bruise maybe)#my life is an exciting adventure that's for sure (I guess yesterday absolutely counts for negating my sarcasm here lmao whoops)
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I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like Iām trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know itās on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but Iām trying) and itās justā¦I donāt know. I donāt even know.
#please know i have thought about hospital but hospital would#genuinely make it worse (like I cannot even tell you how much worse)#i think Iām legitimately justā¦having a trauma reaction on top#of a jewish trauma spike#and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm#does not look great#i feel like i donāt actually verbally have the words#(i have tried not engaging i have tried engaging they both feel awful)#(hashem i donāt know would you even embrace me would youā¦)#(itās not a meds thing (I take meds for mdd and I know what that looks like and this isnāt it)#(itās hard to explain the difference between CPTSD and like a panic attack or a depression)#(except that I feel like Iām so so tainted and not in my body or if Iām in my body Iām in my body somewhere else#abuse cw#i didnāt ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered#this will disappear probably#UGH#(i am seeing my therapist tomorrow i just..i know i need to reach out to)#(to like my current landlords and ask if I could just pay for a cleaning service to come in)#(i know i need to be like āunfortunately my CPTSD is Fucking Terrible Right Now and I need)#(just a bit of grace apologies)#(i do not want my parents to know i do not want that)#(aside from the fact that I am already a burden to them anyway)#a stupid flop of a person i am crying thinking about how i had plans for kids and a wife and travel andā¦Iām nothing#(everyone else is something Iām not I donāt deserve grace lbr)#it keeps running through my head how many people i thought loved me want me dead#and itās like I can fake it so well#(i donāt know I may be like sending words to people)#to run through the steps of not being alone#iām truly sorry i am always not taking accountability and playing the victim and clinging to people#to get reassurance i donāt deserve that its a good person it isnāt it isnāt a person
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listen. LISTEN. I knoooowwwwwwwww that August has never been important enough for canon to ever bother expanding upon issues like this. I know, but...
In the pilot, we KNOW that Emma is lonely. We know this because sheās sat in her apartment, alone, celebrating her birthday by herself. Itās well established that Emma had no one she considered her family and has had extreme trouble connecting with people over the years (Neal, Lily and Ingrid as fleeting exceptions).
But August? Canon gives us NOTHING. We know almost NOTHING about his past in the Land Without Magic. Weāre given the name of one (1) character (Isra) that he has a connection with (someone who is clearly not THAT important to him, as sheās never mentioned again ever) and thatās IT.
Emma stays in Storybrooke to begin with because of Henry, yes. But itās not a particularly tough decision for her because, well...she has nothing to go back to anyway. And I canāt help but wonder how true that was for August as well? Like....??? did he bother to contact ANYONE when he thought he was dying???
August is a genuinely intelligent and charismatic character (albeit, a little obnoxious). I have no doubt that he has made friends + friendly acquaintances over the years. But close friends? People he can open up to about his past with and who wonāt think heās losing his mind? HIGHLY doubtful.
I know that the show didnāt really explore their friendship very much or expand on it in any meaningful way, but Emma and Augustās relationship is sooooooooooo *chefās kiss* to me. Yeah, they have genuine chemistry and a fun dynamic, yeah the āI can always tell when someone is lying to meā character interacting with a character that is literally Pinocchio is funny af and surprisingly poetic. But also!!! These are two lonely, emotionally closed off characters that were essentially orphaned by their parents for 28 years that have both had shitty childhoods and have connected so genuinely with one another and I donāt know where I was even going with this but I love both of them so much and they both deserve this friendship and WHY WASNāT AUGUST AT EMMAāS WEDDING IāM STILL MAD ABOUT THIS OKAY
#sorry I actually don't know what this is#it's because it's August tomorrow. that/s all#I'm being weird about him#ANYWAY I JUST WANT THESE TWO TO TALK ABOUT THEIR SHARED PAST EXPERIENCES#(š which is something that I WILL be doing later in mim but shhhhhhh)#LICHERALLY losing my mind thinking about august's past#because emma had a shitty childhood (and adulthood) yes#but august has a whole ass past in the enchanted fucking forest!!!!!!! he;s LITEREALLY pinocchio and he has memories of that#and he can't talk to ANYONE about those memories or that past because3 they straight up wouldn't believe him!!!!!!!#and so either he HAS to let it go! OR ELSE he risks pushing that person away#OR EVEN WORSE he risks people thinking he needs to be put away somewhere or given serious therapy or whatever#*(he DOES need serious therapy. but that's not what I'm talking about here)#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#having a normal one this evening guys#august meta#(I mean. BARELY. but I still want it in that tag)#august booth#ouat
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like i do genuinely sort of hate being such a hypochondriac it's not fun to constantly be thinking about the absolute worst case scenario for any specific part of my body and how i'd know if it was happening but . it's worse not thinking about it. if i didn't think about how i'd know if my back pain was a kidney stone or my headache was chronic migraine or my fuckin. bug bite was infected . then i wouldn't know what to do . if those scenarios were to happen/were actually happening. i feel like healthy people have this idea that if something's wrong 'you'll know' but in my experience this has not been the case, and medical language is so vague that i have frequently described stuff going on with me in words that weren't the usual ones and because i didn't use the typical language there was a communication barrier. so i have to be obsessive about my body i have to . ever since covid and my rib thing i've had to, because i know that if it's not my first priority at all times i'll suffer, but people hate this after a while even if all of your questions are real and legitimate questions that you're asking for the purpose of knowing when something is wrong
#'uh i think you'd know' hm. not necessarially#and the longer you wait on a medical problem thinking 'if it was really bad. i'd KNOW'#the worse it is likely to be by the time anybody does anything about it#plus i feel like if you've ever had covid and now you have health issues . everybody just gets dismissive#insomnia? Just Try To Sleep! etc#honestly i like my back pain. when i'm certain it's back pain. it's comforting because it's uncomplicated#it's not scary. it's just like. oof ouch my back#whereas a strange new pain or weird sensation somewhere else??? ok now im terrified for the next eight to twelve business days
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people donāt get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things arenāt worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because theyāre things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. iām at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but iām a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. itās not āoh but i can push through itā because i canāt without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I canāt think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely donāt know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers donāt have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice iām making thatās true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ābut you are making choices about your lifeā when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i canāt go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isnāt freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I donāt go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still canāt. good days just mean i donāt want to lie down on the pavement when iām going somewhere#I just. I donāt magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately itās#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because thatās all logical but thereās no way to explain what itās doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i donāt react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and itās only getting worse#I canāt even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isnāt counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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I think I'm going insane. Lately my dreams have been so mundane, it wouldn't be weird if I wasn't just a person that has nightmares 80% of the time, so I now my dreams are so hard to distinguish from reality.
I wouldn't be able tell what was real from what not if it wasn't because last night I went to my doctor's appointment and I was handed new glasses by Harvey just to go back home and find out Laois was cooking something in my backyard.
#to be fair. in my dream i was back at my old house. so the horrors where there still#also i've been dreaming about my dog. but sometimes it's not him. it's other dog trying to replace him. but it's not him. i miss him dearly#but it's... weird. i never actually dream with characters either. something strange is going on#I've been telling my brother i wake up and i have to remember who i am#for the totally normal dreams. it's like my soul is divided and it's living somewhere else for the night#who is the person i am when i dream. because it's not me. it's a whole different live. whole different people around me. I'm going insane#there's such a strange feeling about it. it's familiar? it's comfortable?#which only makes it even more weird. why is a life so different to mine feel so comfortable...#to the point i wake up and i don't remember who i am for at least ten minutes#but then i forget what i had dreamt about. and then i go around my day randomly reminding things. then that's when i realize those memories#were actual dreams#i should write a fanfic about this lmao#it was a nice dream though. i remember vividly i was sitting in one of those chairs thingies that hang in the air?#and i was swinging happily. i think Laios was talking about where he got whatever the fuck he was cooking. i couldn't understand him really.#he wasn't speaking in spanish but it wasn't english either. i think it was a made up gibberish... I'm still baffled by how comfortable i was#i think there were friends around too. maybe a hangout was going on? everything was nice. it reminds me of the times#i would go eat at a friend's house. but things felt a lot nicer. it was like if time had stopped and nothing wrong could ever happen.#and even then. i was still there. which i think that's why i started to feel dizzy in my little swing. i ended up waking up from that.#i still get dizzy remembering it.#welp. I hope i don't lose myself tonight...#I don't actually know what's worse. the nightmares are common. they are familiar. there's comfort in knowing what to expect.#but āgoodā dreams like that... i end up thinking about them too much. the residual feeling is weirder#and i have to deal with the whole different layer that is.. there's was a fucking anime guy there. kill me. kill me. get him OUT of my brain#I'm not lying when I say I can physically feel Laios rearranging my brain in ways i will not share publicly#kill me.
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i hate that this website has location based ads now like it's one thing to promote the local grocery store chain to me but i am seeing ads for my workplace now :/
#stop it......#i don't want to go back but this is the last sick day i can reasonably take#i probably should've gone back today but i told them when i was still feeling worse that i wasn't coming in.......#ohhhh i dread going in tomorrow so much. i don't even dislike this job i just hate being somewhere everyday#each day feeling its meaninglessness...... my meaninglessness in the space.......... the repetition and redundancy#selling people who don't need to be there things that they don't need#standing all day long just fucking bored#hoping that enough has happened since i've been gone that people can fill me in#ugggh because it's soooo boring but stressful to have to generate conversation with the same people every day#when nothing new ever happens#and i get sick of everybody even the people that i like and i don't really think anybody likes me that much either#i guess i felt this when i worked there part time but because i only had to be there part time it wasn't this constant gnawing feeling#and they didn't have me in the shop all the time....... this schedule is fucking killing me#i walk there i stand all day and i walk home#that's one of the reasons i haven't come back in yet - i was so dizzy and nauseous that the idea of standing all day was like.#i obviously can't fucking do that even if i would otherwise feel well enough to come in#if i had a sitting job then it wouldn't matter if i was a little dizzy#but getting back and forth to work and then standing for 8 hours. even when i'm feeling well it's kind of a lot#idk i guess i'm pretty unhappy with this job and where i am in life etc but i can't quit rn because what else would i do#there's literally job of this type that is going to pay as well and have good benefits#and i'm not qualified yet for the type of work i hope to do in the future#so i just gotta wait it out but it feels like. endless.#sigh anyway i'm just lazy lol#all this is to say. stop putting ads for my workplace on my dash lol i don't need to see all that
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probably my biggest killjoy moment is that i think 9/11 jokes can go way too far. i think people like to dunk on "america" as a vague concept, but i dont think a government being bad means that 2 buildings and 4 commercial flights of regular people deserved to die...
#99.txt#i also dont think that the fact that other ppl also suffered suddenly makes it ok....#idk i have some crazy mental illness that makes it so i think anyone dying is bad#i dont wanna like. diminish how badly the us govt fucked up the middle east. but i dont think any rando in america ''deserved it''#i think like...................... its both bad.#i also think that the us military using the deaths of normal ppl to justify even more violence is cruel and disrespectful#just like. joking TOO much about it is. also disrespectful....#idk my neighbor as a kid was on one of those flights. just like. trying to get somewhere. its still tragic#a pretty small percentage of the victims were even military or anything like it was mostly just random people...#im talking in circles but just like... idk !! war is bad ! violence is bad !!!#i know other places have had it way worse but i dont think that makes it ok to be like ''it should happen to YOU now !!!'' ??#i think thats kinda stupid and weird. to crave random violence like that as long as the people were born in the Bad Country#''its ok for something bad to happen to you because something WORSE has happened to someone else'' <- a weird mentality i see too much#in general#idk ppl might be stupid about this and think im saying like ''i love murica'' or whatever.#or that i think this is like. MORE important than other problems. i dont#its relevant to me because i have personal experience with it. and i think its sad and ppl can be distasteful. thats all it is
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i get why people would opt to say walter was a terrible person since the beginning, but i think that's like, the most boring takeaway you can get about his character. he was already insecure and prideful from the start, and it's what would hurt him and keep hurting him. but like, being insecure and prideful are regular traits any regular person can have. the actions that he makes because of these traits, which in turn keep fueling his ego more and more, are what makes him an interesting character. and he was already pretty capable of hurting other people, but he wasn't doing it out of malice, but more because of careless selfishness at first. what makes walter terrifying is that the more he does it, the more he becomes aware of what he's doing, and the more he keeps going and keeps being more and more meticulous and deliberate about what he does that hurts people and even to the point when it was specifically to hurt people.
i think the traits were there in walter from the beginningāthe pilot did a pretty good job of establishing how powerless he's felt all his life and just how susceptible he is to letting this newfound perceived power get to his head so easily. he even says this explicitly in 5x06 "Buyout" when he tells jesse "i'm not in the money business, i'm in the empire business". but saying he was this monster from the start kind of implies he didn't undergo through a character arc throughout the show when it's quite literally what he did. he got worse. so much worse. through mostly the fault of his own fragility.
#idk if i put it into words right but i'm just musing#was walter a good person when brba started? up in the air. but his family genuinely adored him. despite feeling like a loser teacher#some of his coworkers actually really liked and respected him. he was just as much of a regular person as anyone else was tbh#you know it's interesting that he and gale basically have the same motivations. why jump to meth of all things. why go from 0 to 100 when#it sounds COMPLETELY ridiculous. but they were both very passionate about chemistry who felt like their potentials were wasted and felt#like they were finally putting their skills to good use again. getting to flex their muscles and shit. whenever they cook better purer meth#than most other people. i think it's a really genius idea to have this premise for the show lol#cz as much as walter is motivated by him feeling like he desperately has to take control of his own life he also is a scientist at heart#who desperately needs to apply his knowledge and skills somewhere where it would feel gratifying#seriously dude you could've tried to get a paper published or two or something. djhdidhd#but the academe has its own Politics and whatnot. so one could only speculate why walt didn't get to pursue that any more#(aside from the whole grey matter industries thing)#anyway uhhh i hope i get the post across lol not to sound cheesy cliche but brba is a corruption slash character deterioration arc#quite literally the whole point is that he Didn't Start Off Like This And He Gets Worse#again. he already had some of his bad tendencies and traits but it's like. we all do that's not necessarily inherently make or break#it's what he DOES and KEEPS DOING. CONSCIOUSLY that turns him into the horrifying man he is by the end of it all#so i just think if your biggest takeaway is Walter Was Always A Monster then you're just missing the whole damn point#op#brbaposting
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Finishing a little life just now got me to the point where I had to read without my glasses because they kept getting fogged up from me crying so damn hard.
Anyways I rated it 5 stars even though it took me over 200 pages to truly get into it, it was worth it in the end, what a book. I've never read something before that made characters feel so real. I'll never forget how emotionally devastating this book was and I'll never ever forget Jude
#would I recommend this book tho? probably not#it's very heavy#with subjects thst just kept getting worse and didnt get better#plus the way it's written isnt for everyone I think#I started appreciating it after reading a few classics#that you don't need to move a story quickly to tell things#besides it did move quickly in a way considering it took place over about 25-30 years#anyways I'll be thinking about this for the next few days before I pick up a new book. I can't see myself moving on from it quickly haha#also I had ālights are onā playing on repeat while reading so whenever I'll hear that song somewhere else this'll be the first thing I think#of#currently reading#talktag#a little life
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#sometimes i find the degree to which i cannot concentrate very alarming#like bro i canno read. i have so much to do but i wanna sleep forever#i just have to get up and go somewhere else. normally id go transfer algae or run but im stuck inside and .y fingers r all cold#usually its just in the morning that I get thr high distress so its prob the meds#but yesterday was kinda fucked. ugh.i just need to run around but i cant#i have such a sinister combo of: brain stops me from being able to b productive and if im not productive i am compelled to do horrible#things. mood issues and 0cd is horrible. horrible feedback loop#i just wish i could breathe. itll b fine. eventually itll b summer again and itll b fine#its like someone's squeezing my throat. like im sick but i kno its just that im anxious#i was doing so well the past few days in terms of reading and productivity despite the distress#and im trying to b kind and roll with the punches but its so hard#like i kno i need to relax and not resist bc resistance makes it worse but it's just hard and im worried this is how itll always b#i wish i could go back on lamicta1. i felt way better on low dose of that then i do on low dose of abi1ify. its so hard to stay on this#just bc of how my head works. and like things were complicated with the lamicta1. maybe i wouldnt habe had a reaction if i didnt get a#tatto0 while upping the dose but now im marked as allergic so i prob wont b allowed to try any of thr anti convulsive type antidepressants#ugh. i hate this. its so frustrating#unrelated
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#rant time here where i can get shit out in a hidden tucked away place#but qhy the fuck are families so difficult#like#i thought i had such a normal family growing up until i was about 14#and every year it gets worse#parents are so mentally unwell that it literally causes damage to us kids#older brother is checked out to focus on his own family and kids#but then still butts in when he thinks he needs to play the man of the family#only to make matters worse#younger sister is having to put up with it all bc she's still in my hometown#everyone is racist to her boyfriend even tho they've been together for 6-7 years and he's literally made her such a better person#it's fucked#and then they all come running to me to vent and/or solve things bc I live somewhere else#idk man#it's just cooked#and like#i had a breakdown to kris tbe other day when this latest shit with my family and sister's bf popped up#bc why the fuck should i bring a kid into this shitshow of a family#why not just end the bullshit here#anyway#that's my vent for this friday evening#all this just in time for me to go home for a few days and confront my dad and brother for IMPLYING MY SISTER'S BF IS VERBALLY ABUSIVE#EVEN THO THEY NEVER SEE HIM BC HE FEELS SO UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND THEM#uugghhhghhhhhhhhgh
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japanese medical negligence will drive you to american without health insurance behaviors
#hi hi hello tumblr#my migraines came back with a vengence#i didn't realize it for the 10 years i've had them#but i am pretty sure they were hemiplegic this whole time#got weakness and numbness down one side of my body from my first migraine ar 12 or 13#and just thought that was normal migraine with aura#others on my dad's side of the family (the white people) had sever migraines too so i grew up thinking it was normal#come to think of it in 10 years even an introvert like me has met 20-30 people with migraine and none of them had symptoms like mine#well this time i had leg numbness and weakness to the point of foot drop start on sunday#puking intensely wednsday - thursday#the headache finally came friday#blurred vision throughout...but i had a prolonged aura w out headache last month that didn't quite resolve#headache and nausea and vision has calmed but won't totally go away now#this whole time they worked me up for stroke and autoimmune diseases#and when that comes back normal and i say i'm pretty sure that was all a turbo migraine#the doctor starts googling migraine in front of me and is like well...you have symptoms of it but i don't know#this is a NEURO mind you not a general internist#i begged for him to nuke the way past 3 days status migraine with steroids like in the US#told they don't do that in japan#i asked to try reyvow#no to that because āmy other symtoms are worse and that's only for the headache partā#i asked for a headache specialist#told none was available#eventually was kicked to the curb with 10 nausea pills and my records to take somewhere else#my foot perked up a bit after the headache started but is still droopy and weak#when i asked about PT i got āwell you can still walkā#and when i said it catches on the ground and i trip sometimes and i can't walk quickly without dragging my leg i was told āwell walk slowly#not even recommended home exercises#so now i'm on physical therapy YouTube trying to rehab my own fucking foot drop#i will try to find a neuro who knows about hemiplegic migraine and will treat status migraines agressively
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