#sometimes we don’t have the right words for our feelings or criticisms

[flightlessangelwings]

While we’re in Latino Heritage Month, let’s stop assuming your reader doesn’t know/speak Spanish in your reader insert fics. Especially if you’re writing for Pedro’s, Oscar’s or other Latino characters please.

EDIT: After some criticism of how this was originally phrased, let me change it into a question/request instead- Can we as writers please try to be more inclusive with our reader insert fics so poc and others can feel represented and see themselves too? Including taking out a quick throwaway line about reader not understanding Spanish. (Keeping the original phrasing above so anyone who missed the post to begin with can still see how I originally phrased it)

If you have a throwaway line of “he said in Spanish that you didn’t understand” or something similar, just take it out. Have something like “you didn’t hear” instead and let the reader interpret how they want. Or use italics to indicate Spanish. Or have the translation right there without mention of anyone translating for them. Simple. Or if you don’t want to/feel you cannot change it, then please have something in with your warnings so Latinos/poc can skip it if they choose.

And let me tell you why this is so frustrating (even for me as someone who is not a fluent speaker). It’s because Latinos look to these characters and actors for representation. We see ourselves in them. And when you clearly do not have a Latino person in mind when writing, you’re saying we don’t belong here. In a space where we should feel welcomed and celebrated. Representation matters. Inclusivity matters. Please try to be more inclusive with reader fics so we can all enjoy and immerse ourselves in your writing.

ALSO EDITING TO ADD MORE FROM A REBLOG SO EVERYONE CAN SEE MY CLARIFICATION: (under a cut for length)

This is nothing new, poc have been asking for years now to be inclusive in fics and yet it’s still a battle. We’re not asking for a lot, and certainly not asking anyone to change their style or creativity or anything like that. Literally simple edits: take out the word “blush” don’t mention hair, don’t mention not understanding Spanish, not making reader blood related to a white character, etc. Literally tiny things that would not change the story at all but make a world of difference.

Here’s an example too: a few years ago it was not common for writers to label the gender of their reader as it was usually assumed the reader would be a woman. But, people advocated to label readers as f/m/gn/whatever to be more inclusive and asked writers to strive for gender neutral readers when possible so that more readers felt seen and welcome. Now it’s a common thing to do. Why is making the readers race ambiguous any different?

Yes sometimes posts like this come across harsh, but know that they’re not meant to be. Poc aren’t trying to demand anything, we just ask to broaden your langauge when writing reader insert so more can see themselves in your work. It’s incredibly frustrating to ask for inclusivity and be met with hostility and rudeness in return and a refusal to think about poc so yes sometimes the wording gets harsh out of that frustration. But I encourage y’all to focus on the message more and maybe think about why poc in fandom get snippy like this. We do need to have an open conversation, yes. Just look in the comments at the Latinos and poc who are upset by the exclusion and feel hurt by it. How you you white fans feel if roles were reversed and none of the fics included you? Not fun, right?

And to those who say write it yourself: I do. I’ve been a x reader writer for years now and I do strive for inclusivity in my work. But I’m only one person and this is bigger than any one person. This isn’t about what I personally find acceptable or what I personally what. It should be a collective effort among writers as a whole to strive to include as many as possible in their works and not white code your readers. It’s not about demanding writers write it a certain way, it’s about asking writers to consider others who don’t look like them who also want the immersion and the escape that your fic brings.

[melrosing]

What do you think of the Sansa bullied Arya take if you don’t mind me asking (just don’t answer if you don’t want to haha)

per my usual practice on Controversial Topics im putting this under a cut

At the real risk of that lot showing up in my notes again, I think this ‘Sansa bullies Arya’ pins their pre AGOT dynamic squarely on Sansa herself, rather than the way they are both being raised by the adults around them to behave towards one another. Sure, Sansa is mean to Arya sometimes during their childhood! We don’t have a lot of examples besides the oft-mentioned ‘horseface’ insults, but I think it’s fair to assume that more often than not, Sansa was looking down on Arya. Meanwhile, Arya herself feels inadequate and like she just can’t do anything right. She resents Sansa, but also worries that Sansa’s opinion of her may be true.

Fine. But where has Sansa’s opinion of Arya come from? Is it her cold black heart? Fucking no, it’s come from Septa Mordane, Catelyn, and whoever else surrounds them growing up. The men don’t seem to really give much of a shit how Arya acts because it’s not their business and she’s just a kid anyhow, but the women pointedly give many shits. In our first scene with Arya, Septa Mordane scolds her for not being good at ‘women’s work’, and there’s plenty to suggest that this is just another day in the life for Arya. Meanwhile, Sansa gets the carrot for excelling. Both Arya and Sansa are learning their own worth in this chapter, and the worth of one another. Sansa internalises the praise whilst learning that Arya is bad, and everything she mustn’t be. Arya internalises the criticisms whilst learning that Sansa is good, and everything she can never be.

They’ll be getting this from Catelyn as well. Catelyn clearly adores both her daughters, and will move heaven and earth to get them back in ACOK. But one good adjective for Catelyn is ‘dutiful’ - it’s in her house words, and it’s how she’s lived her life up to AGOT. Doing as she’s told, even when it pains her. She expects the same of her daughters, and finds those expectations satisfied in Sansa’s case, and apparently flouted in Arya’s. So again, from their own mother, Sansa internalises that Arya is bad, and that she, Sansa, is good. Arya internalises the same. If societal standards were reversed, perhaps it would be Arya lording over Sansa, but such as it is, it’s Sansa over Arya. 

Now, Sansa is a child. When children are told over and over that X is good and Y is bad, they generally don’t question it, at least until they're older and more experienced in the world. They will also parrot what they hear, often in graceless ways. Because they’re children. Sansa is told that Arya wilfully misbehaves because she’s bad, and so Sansa thinks: then I should look down on Arya. It sounds like Sansa mostly keeps her distance from her sister pre AGOT. Not always - they play together sometimes - but a lot of the time. She has internalised the teaching that Arya is an aberration, and as she herself knows the adults value obedience in girls, and she wants to please them so badly, the distance between her and Arya demonstrates to them just how good she is - she won’t descend to Arya’s behaviour. 

When Sansa does interact with Arya (pre Darry), we see her being a bit bossy - telling Arya what to do, etc. Sansa is replicating what she has seen the adults do with Arya, and is mimicking them to assert her own position as the good, obedient child. If Arya ever doesn’t want to do something, it can only be because she’s bad. 

[sidenote, it all really reminds me of these short stories me and my sister used to get read a lot as kids, called My Naughty Little Sister (lmao) by Dorothy Edwards. They're pretty old and I don’t think they ever got major circulation outside Britain, but for anyone unfamiliar, you can probably guess how these stories go. There’s an elder sister, good and obedient, who narrates short tales of her ‘naughty little sister’ doing terrible things like idk, making a terrible mess etc, and going ‘now I’m sure you [the child audience] wouldn’t do a thing like that!’ They’re supposed to be short morality tales for the children, and amuse the parent reading them aloud, who recognises the mischievous behaviour of the younger and is charmed by the haughtiness of the elder sister, who you can hear is narrating the incidents of her sister’s mischief with the disdain that she’s heard the adults do so, and is asserting her own good behaviour over said sister. And the whole fucking reason we were read these stories was because my younger sister was precisely the kind of kid who got up to all kinds of shit as a little kid (which now all of us find hilarious but DIDN’T AT THE TIME), and I was the elder sister like ‘my goodness how could she do such things as these!!’ (e.g. paint an entire bookcase with grout). It amused us both to see ourselves in the stories. You could say this was life imitating art, but I think this is simply an age old dynamic, familiar to many people with siblings: you would see how the adults spoke to another child in your family, and replicate their manner in an effort to come across as an adult. Except you weren’t an adult, so you weren’t always as graceful about it as they were. That is pre AGOT Sansa, to a T. And I’m sure that’s what GRRM, a child of three who had two sisters of his own, is replicating here.]

But I think there’s also a loneliness in being the ‘obedient child’. Doing as you’re told all the time can be boring, and living up to expectations is a lot of pressure. Sansa wants a companion in all that, but Arya has no interest in sharing in it. Arya is offering friendship, but from a place Sansa believes she can’t reach her sister - Sansa thinks she’d have to ‘descend to Arya’s level’ to accept it, and she can’t do that. You get a sense of Sansa thrilling in trying Arya’s ‘misbehaviours’ for herself when she quietly delights in behaving ‘as wicked as Arya’, but you see in this that she has to condemn such behaviours and herself for exhibiting them, all in the same breath. And in the end, I can easily imagine Sansa resents that Arya has more fun with their brothers than she ever does with Sansa herself: that the one sister she has is one she has nothing in common with. Sansa can’t find a like mind amongst her siblings, and so clings to Jeyne Poole, and the praise of the adults around her.

So with all that in mind, YES! Sansa is sometimes mean to Arya, and calls her horseface. That is because Sansa is a child, nobody is correcting her behaviour, and she understands that Arya is bad, and the way she behaves is frustrating to Sansa herself, so really what does it matter if she’s a little mean sometimes? She knows that she is good, because everyone says so. Even if she calls her sister a name now and then, she’s still the good child. 

AND THEN we get to Darry. And Sansa starts to see that society isn’t a song, and sometimes it doesn’t matter how good you are, horrible things can happen to you anyway. But she doesn’t want to believe that, because it would turn her world upside down, and her future would look a lot darker, too - Ned has not ended her engagement to Joffrey, and Sansa has to live for the foreseeable in KL. So when Arya doing the thing she ‘wasn’t supposed to’ (playing with Mycah) snowballs into a terrible miscarriage of justice where Sansa’s wolf is killed, Sansa rejects the notion that the songs could be wrong about beautiful princes, and shifts the blame onto Arya for that original 'misdemeanour'. The grief at losing Lady is terrible too (the wolves are meant to have a soul deep bond with the Stark children), and so the target of that grief likewise becomes Arya. What was previously a normal, childishly complicated sibling relationship gets twisted into something else.

This is where I think Sansa becomes different level of unpleasant towards her sister. She’s cruel about Arya’s loss of Mycah, tells Arya she wishes she were dead instead of Lady, etc etc. Arya is not giving as good as she gets here - she even tries to make amends with Sansa, but Sansa throws the offer in her face.

The reasons for Sansa’s behaviour are complicated, but not that complicated. She’s been raised to slot perfectly into this world, without ever being told what that world is really like. And when abruptly it turns out that what she’s being raised for is essentially the slaughter, she rejects it. She can’t see Joffrey as he truly is: she’s been told that princes are charming, that Kings are just, Queens are kind, and she herself will be a Queen. Sansa is going to be handed over to the Lannisters, and she’s going to live the song of her dreams, and the only thing between Sansa and the realisation of those is the thing that’s always been wrong: Bad Arya. Because again, if Arya isn't bad, then everything else is, and Sansa is in terrible danger.

No one is sitting Sansa down and explaining to her that Arya is not bad, just different from her, and that they should love one another - that there are dark forces here far stronger than them that could tear them apart, that the Lannisters are the greatest of them, and they have to fight together, not each other. Arya gets this talk, funnily enough, but not Sansa. Arya is asked to understand that Sansa is different from her, but Sansa is only ever taught to abhor that her sister as different from her. Where Arya is told to be wary of the court of King’s Landing, Ned leaves Sansa to continue her fantasies, and then, when he abruptly tries to put an end to them, he doesn’t bother to explain why. I’m not saying this is unforgivable on Ned’s part - he has a lot on his mind lol - but it’s quite obviously a major failing. Ned leaves Sansa in a fantasy world. It’s fucking Joffrey who has to step in and clarify for Sansa that actually, she’s been dreaming.

So as long as they’re together, Sansa is never able to come to terms with the fact that Arya was not the aberration, but rather, everything else was. In the absence of one another, they cannot reconcile over that fact. So yes, GRRM says they’ll have deep issues to sort through when they meet again, but those aren’t going to be the times that Sansa called her ‘horseface’ - they’re going to be about what happened since they left Winterfell, when their relationship was twisted by forces much darker than Septa Mordane. 

So no, I think the ‘Sansa is a bully’ diatribes are seriously tedious, because even if you want to insist that calling your sister ‘horseface’ a few times even qualifies, you can still accept such wrongs without deciding that that makes Sansa a fundamentally unkind person who cannot be reconciled with Arya and doesn’t deserve to be. It is on the page that the two of them miss each other. Like I genuinely cannot imagine going through everything Arya does in the story and then, upon reuniting with a sister I thought lost forever, deciding I’m actually still mad about the things she got wrong as a child that she herself has paid dearly for, both physically and emotionally. Like jesus fucking christ man. By all means let them talk about it!! But who do you think Arya is lmao

Tl;dr: Sansa is a kid in a society. She is not the arbiter of Arya’s place in society. She is not mean because she’s cruel, but because she has internalised the exact same things that Arya has, based on the example of the adults surrounding them. It just happens that those things were a carrot for Sansa and a stick for Arya. But then in the end, they weren’t a carrot for Sansa either.

tl;dr 2: clarifying once again - i am a jaime stan. i find the stark sister relationship interesting bc I have experience of a similar sisterly dynamic and find it interesting to see a version of that explored on the page. so if you think one has to be a sansa stan to observe all this then that kind of just demonstrates how dichotomous you've become on this issue lol like if I'm talking about takes I dislike re JB I don't generally feel the need to attribute them to JC fandom. let's all grow up x

tl;dr 3: no i don't hate sansa or arya, since i know these are both conclusions various people reach whenever i even mention these two. in fact i think they are both great girls! imagine

[tookthe-405]

Hard to sleep

bsf!ellie x bsf!reader

Masc!ellie x fem!reader

summary: Modern au where you and Ellie are best friends and in college together. About the queer situationship so many of us had with our best friend :,)

It’s angsty but still fluffy I swear 😪

(Happy End)

c.w: smut!!, weed, mention of alcohol and drugs and long af and I think that’s it but speak up if i missed something!!!

authors note: this is my first fic so please be nice to me, but still give critic so I can write better next time 🫶

⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆ ⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆ ⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆

“Wakey wakey sunshine it’s time to get upp”

You sigh annoyed thinking you’re still asleep and dreaming some shit, because of course Ellie follows you into your dreams.

“Dude get the fuck up” this time her voice doesn’t sound so subdued and you jump out of your sleep.

“Holy fuck”

You Look at Ellie whose casually going through your dorm room, packing your bag for you.

“You really need to stop oversleeping the classes that are the most important to you and going to the ones no one cares about”

You sigh still tired and feeling your heart beating way too fast and loud.

“You really need to stop showing up here when I’m unconscious, you always scare the shit out of me”

“I literally called you sunshine, how does that scare you?”

You giggle a bit and sit up straight, stretching yourself before standing up completely.

Ellie gives you your packed bag and you take it, still in pjs.

“You do know by the time I’m done, the lecture will be almost over” you mention to her as you open the braid form last night.

“Who said I’m waiting for you huh?”

“Um I do?”

You Look at her grinning, she sits at your desks while watching you do your hair with her green eyes following almost every move.

You Look Away quickly and go to the bathroom to brush your teeth.

Sometimes it feels like there’s a time limit when you two look at each other, like you have to watch out that it’s not too long and not too short. Most of the time Ellie doesn’t care and just keeps staring, but for you it’s important to not cross the friendship line. No one looks at their best friends for too long, no one worries about looking at their best friend too long.

You just don’t want to fuck this up.

“You should wear a skirt today”

“Huh?”

Ellie appears in the door.

“It’s hot today you should wear something short” she says again

“This your way of making me wear skirts for you?”

Ellie chuckles in her casual husky voice.

“Yeah that’s exactly what I’m doing”

“That was so fucking boring, you could’ve let me missed this one too Ellie” you whine

Ellie groans as the both of you walk to one of the cafe’s on campus, meeting your roommate Audrey and some of Ellies friends as well.

“I’m like 90% sure he said important stuff in the beginning and we just missed it because of you”

“Yeah yeah whatever I’m sorry ellie, I’ll try fixing my sleep schedule okay?”

“I’ll ask Audrey too take away your laptop and phone maybe you’ll have a chance then”

You bump your shoulder into hers and she giggles.

It doesn’t take much too make you feel nostalgic when you spend time with Ellie. Only warm air, sunshine and her laugh.

That’s all you’ll ever need and that all you’ll never have forever.

“I’m gonna meet up with Iris later”

Her tone sounds natural, no hesitation and you are sure she doesn’t know what her words do to you.

And the worst part is you can’t even be mad at her, you have no right to be.

You look down at your shoes that go in the same tact with Ellie’s, over and over again.

“Really? Was she the one with the braids?”

Ellie nods and you try to make some eye contact. You don’t want her to feel bad, even tho you’re sure she has no idea how you actually feel, and you always try to be happy for her. But maybe you want her to get it. Maybe you want her to see how you look at her, maybe then she’ll finally understands.

But she just keeps walking and looking forward.

“There wasn’t a frat party in so long you have to come!”

Audrey is basically begging, she even pulls your arm.

“Everyone is talking about it in my class, since it’s the last one before everyone is going home so they wanna party big” Jesse explains with a big smirk on his face.

Ellie and you look at each other from across the table, sipping your ice coffees.

You give her a uncertain look, you know she’ll go if you go and you’ll go if she does.

“Who’s gonna be there?” She asks and your eyes land on Dina, who normally knows every human alive.

“Everyone I hope but I’m sure a few won’t go so why don’t you just tell me her name Ellie?” Dina says, a teasing look on her face and your heart feels heavy again.

“Iris. I sit with her in biology”

“Aw cute you sit with her?” Audrey says mocking her friendly, but she gives you a empathetic look. She’s the only one who knows about your feelings, since she was the one who was with you when you got a bit too drunk and told her about all the feeling you ever had.

Ellie looks at you for just a second, but thank god you didn’t miss it, and your cheeks turn red. You keep drinking your drink.

“Yes I know her she’s sweet but I don’t know if she’ll be there”

Ellie immediately grabs her phone and types something in it.

Jesse goes ordering something and Dina talks with Audrey about the party and what to wear.

Your feet kicks Ellie’s softly, so she looks up at you.

“Just ask her if you could met there, I’m sure she doesn’t mind” you say trying to sound as supportive as possible.

Ellie looks unsure and you grab her arm soft, feeling the fabric of her flannel jacket she’s so obsessed with.

“She likes you Ellie, god how couldn’t she and she should be happy about spending some time with you and you’re friends. I know it would make you feel more relaxed too, knowing you’re not alone” you try to whisper it but Audrey and Dina are loud talker anyway.

You smile at her and take your hand back. Ellie looks at you and her cheeks turn a slightly pink shade. She was never good with sentimental talk, too bad you’re so good at it.

“You don’t have to meet her yet you know” she says finally.

“What do you mean? Why shouldn’t I?”

“I don’t know… I wasn’t sure if you wanted too”

“I’m your best friend why would you think that Ellie?”

“I don’t know I just… never mind it’s stupid”

She starts looking at her phone again but you keep staring at her confused, angry and even a bit sad. You’re pretty positive that you weren’t obvious at all for the past years, so what did you do to fuck up so bad?

“Okay she’ll be there”

“Yeah?” Jesse asks, sitting down again with a sandwich in his hand.

“Yup she says she heard about it too and wanted to ask me if I would like to go”

“Damn that’s some soulmate shit” he says chuckling and you look out the window for something distracting

“It’s gonna be fine, if it’s too much for you we can leave” Audrey tries to comfort you.

“I’m gonna be okay Audrey don’t worry, i think I can do this” you know you actually can’t do this.

“I think this is all just in your head, the whole “Being scared of losing her” thing” she mentions quiet.

It’s not just that your scared of losing her, your scared of wanting her so much that you can’t control it anymore and then losing her.

“Just go ahead with the others, I think I’ll take a bit longer… I’m just gonna take an Uber” you keep digging through your closet searching for anything you would like to wear.

“You sure?” Audrey voice sounds unsure.

“Yes it’s a short drive I’ll be fine”

“Fine but if you change your mind then I’m more than fine with just watching a movie with you Here”

“I won’t I promise we’re gonna have fun tonight” you smile at her as she walks out the door saying goodbyes and waving quickly.

Right after she left you could hear your own thoughts way too clear and it felt like your mind was ready to destroy the whole evening.

You stare at your wardrobe searching for something, but this unsettling feeling is eating you from the inside and you lay down on the bed again, putting your face in your hands.

The tears just rush down your cheeks and your body lets them. You imagine the time where Ellie has a girlfriend wife, a woman that is more important than you and the person she wants to do all the things you want to do with her. You’ll have to be at their wedding and at their house to eat fucking dinner once a year.

You would do a lot for Ellie to want you as this person, but you tell yourself that you’re not gonna cry here because that won’t change anything.

You take your phone from the night stand next to you and open the camera, seeing mascara all over your cheeks.

“Fuck” you whisper annoyed

You try to whip them away, then you get a text from Ellie.

I’m gonna pick you up in an hour okay

What about iris? Shouldn’t you pick her up?

I wanna pick up you tho, she’ll be fine we said we would meet at the party

You don’t have to do that Ellie

I get it really

I want to pick you up. Is that okay with you miss?

I can hear you say this in my head

Shut up and get ready dork

You smile and the smile tastes like hope and assurance and love.

In the end you decided to wear a shirt mint green dress that has a V cut with a little cute white bow in the middle. Since how to walk in heels is a fucking mystery, you wear your Mary janes shores in dark red.

You put your hair up and put on a brown leather jacket from Isla.

There’s a knock on the door as you try to save your make up a bit.

You take one last look in the mirror and decide that your fine with how you look. With your bag around your shoulder you open the door and meet Ellie’s eyes immediately.

You smile excited and do a little spin.

“is this okay?” You ask her

“Pretty. You look very pretty”

You take a Look at Ellie’s outfit.

Baggy jeans with a white t shirt and her blue jeans jacket and converse. You could see her black sports bra though her white tee and looked away quickly, feeling your face heat up and your mind swift away to other places.

“You do too, even your hair is open for once. Looks very good” you say and take a step forward, so you could let your fingers go through her hair. She puts her hands on your arms and closed her eyes for a bit. You fixed a few hair strings and looked at her. You often saw her this close up but you’ll always thank the universe for another chance of seeing her like this. The freckles over her cheeks and her nose, hell even her forehead.

She is so beautiful and so sweet, sure she tries to hide it most of the time but in these moments you’re both just two girls holding each others most vulnerable versions.

A moment later you find yourself hugging her tight.

Your arms are around her neck and you take a deep breath in. She hugs you back, her arms around your waist.

“I love you a lot and I hope that doesn’t change ever.”

You whisper in her ear

“I love you too…”

You eventually let go of her and try to show her that you’re still happy and excited for tonight, even though you really just want to hug and kiss her the whole night and not watch her do this with some other girl.

“Let’s go I’m sure the others are already there”

“Frat boys are some weird people but fuck their party’s are good”

Ellie’s voice makes you look right as you guys get out her car and fuck she’s right. There are people everywhere. Outside the frat house, inside and you’re sure some people are gonna end up on the roof at some point too.

“I’m gonna drink so fucking much before I need to go back home” you say, real excitement in your veins this time.

Ellie giggles and the both of you try to get through the drunk people on the front porch.

It’s louder inside the house, where a tone of lights shine around in the room, everyone is dancing and you could smell alcohol in the air.

Your eyes scan everything around you, but then you hear Ellie curse.

“What wrong?” You get a bit closer to her again.

She looks a bit pissed but you couldn’t find anything else in her expression.

“Iris is gonna be here in an hour”

“Thats a bit late” is all that comes to your mind.

“No shit, she thought we would meet up at that time but still it’s just….” She looks at your biting her under lip

You take a step back and look at her really mad now.

“What is it that bad to spent some time with me here Ellie? We don’t have too you know you wanted to pick me up, you wanted to go tonight what the fuck?” You hear your own voice getting louder with every word.

You were trying. Trying to be supportive and not jealous. Trying not to think about her, about all the things you dream about. But this just feels like some fucked up joke.

“No! Fuck- you know that not what I mean…”

Ellie’s hands reach out for you but you step back again.

“Don’t fucking Touch me.”

And for once in a while Ellie was the one, who felt the sharp pain of rejection. Her hands slowly drop and her eyes never looked so green. Her eyes look around the room for a second, but after she realises that you’re not gonna change your mind she puts her hands inside her jacket and walked more inside the house.

You don’t feel the tears this time. They just appear in your eyes as you watch Ellie walk away.

You Turn left and walk up the stairs, trying to not let anybody see you cry.

You Wander around for a bit feeling like a ghost, not even sure how to think a single thought right.

After a while you find yourself in, you think the bedroom, of one the frat boys. A group of people sit on the floor, talking and smoking a joint.

Even tho you don’t really like smoking, you thought about it for a second and it didn’t sound so bad Anymore.

You stood there awkwardly, staring at them not sure what to do, but then you heard a voice behind you.

“You want one?” A tall girl with long blond hair asks.

“Excuse me?” You feel your pulse go up in embarrassed.

“A joint? I have one if you wanna smoke a bit?”

You look at her with your mouth a bit open.

Then you gave the group a last look, their laughing looking like they don’t care about a thing in the world.

“Yes… yeah sure why not”

The girl smiles and you follow her to another room, a bathroom which was surprisingly quiet. As soon as she closes the door, the noises sounds muffled.

You Open a window and lean on to the wall.

“You a student too? Or a friend of a friend?” You ask her, hating the awkward silences.

The girls steps beside you and pulls out a joint and a lighter.

“Student sadly, I would be fine with being the cousin of one of the football players” she chuckles slightly and light up the joint pretty smooth.

“So Whats Your name?” She asks you and hands you the joint.

You Take a Hit trying not to cough, but of course you fail.

You mumble your name, as you try to take a normal breath again.

“First time?” A smirk on her a face, but at least she’s not laughing.

“No but I don’t smoke often”

“Hm”

“Sorry what’s your name?”

She takes another hit and it looks way to easy when she does it which bring you wanting to do it better the next time and even better the next one.

“Abby”

“Nickname?”

“Yeah for Abigail”

“Hm cute name” you mention and take your … maybe 4th hit? You should stop counting now.

“Thank you… so what do you study?

“Psychology” I murmur

Her eye brown go up in surprise and you giggle a bit at the face she makes.

“Clinical?” She asks and it surprises gib that she knows about the difference.

“No, general”

“Oh you’re a smart girl then huh?”

You laugh loud and laughing and since you’re in a bathroom the laugh comes back way louder.

“Not really most of the time I miss the classes that I I really wanna watch” you say and your mind goes wandering off to ellie again but you try to focus on Abby in front of you.

“What do you study? Tell me what are you here for Abigail?” You say to her and she makes a face again.

“God only my dad calls me Abigail it’s kinda funny coming from an almost stranger”

And that’s so sweet that you can’t help but smile at her but then your eyes meet…. And god hers are so red that you pray silently that yours do not have the same colour.

“Pre-med”

“And you call me smart girl Abby” you say with big eyes.

“You might become a fucking doctor”

She giggled embarrassed and you could tell that the weed was working.

“I Hope so” she says looking a bit sad even and your first thought was that she might think she couldn’t do it.

You put your arm on her shoulder and your mouth falls open.

Fuck this woman has some muscles.

You squeeze her arm for a second and then realise that she’s staring at you with a confused grin.

“Sorry i Know we Don’t know each other, but I can just like you know feel that you’re intelligent and interesting and hard working and - I mean bro look at your arms I’m not even sure if that’s possible” you say laughing again.

Your laugh doesn’t stop for a few seconds, but as soon as it dies you worried that you might have over stepped the line.

You Look at her Face and she just smiles really nice and not mad or hurt just pure sweetness.

She’s really nice and your sure you guys could be friends and now you’re kinda scared that you gave off the wrong idea.

“What the fuck?”

Your heads turn to the door where a very disturbed ellie is standing.

“Ellie hey… no wait I’m mad at you”

“You’re mad at me? I’ve been looking in the whole damn house and I find you smoking weed from a stranger the fuck do you mean?”

You’ve seen Ellie being angry a lot. She was mad, because of a comic con where she didn’t get to but a signed version of her fav comic. Or when she cursed out some old dude who was driving too slow.

But never this mad.

“We’re going”

Your mind is still spinning then suddenly Ellie grabs your arm and wanting to pull you out the door but Abby steps between you both.

“Sorry but you can’t just do that”

“You don’t know shit”

Abby was definitely taller and stronger than Ellie, but Ellie’s temper was probably even bigger.

“I know she doesn’t want to go with you”

Abby snaps and Ellie’s grip gets stronger around your waist and she goes past Abby through the door.

You give Abby an apologetic look, Ellie only slows down when you are at her car.

“Get in” she hisses

You get in and you swore to yourself that this whole situation will end tonight.

“Ellie-“

“Don’t just please don’t talk right now please”

She sounded exhausted. Hurt as well like she hasn’t slept in days. Her head rests on the steering wheel for a few seconds, her back goes up and down from her strong breathing and you just shut up with tears in your eyes.

The ride was quiet, not even the radio was on. You could only hear the noise of the car driving, it’s humming which calmed you and Ellie down a bit. You still cried in silence the whole time.

You got out of the car without a word and walked up the stairs to your room, Ellie close behind you.

You Open the door with your keys and you both sit down on your bed. This might be the longest time the both of you haven’t talked while being together and it feels so incredible wrong.

“Why did you step back from me in the beginning. Why didn’t you let me touch you?”

Her voice broke at the end and you looked up to see tears running down her cheeks as well.

“Because … I felt like you didn’t want me there with you. Like you would swap me with her if you had the chance. That hurt me and I know I don’t have the right-“

“I would always choose you”

This time she didn’t sound sad, her voice sounds and feels delicate. Something tickled in your heart, like a string only she pulled on.

“I would choose you in every universe, in every scenario just tell me what you want. Tell me what you want and I’ll be it for you”

Ellie has this affect on your heart, your soul.

She could hurt you so much more and you’ll still choose her over and over again as well.

You’ll choose each other.

You Look at her lips and back to her eyes.

“I want you to kiss me-“

She didn’t waste a second, she put her hand on the back of your head and pushed you to her, the first time ellie kissed you, you tasted like weed and alcohol. And Ellie didn’t care.

If you taste like that she’ll taste like it too.

And you would still kiss each other over and over again.

Your hands found her hair again, like a few hours ago but this time you weren’t careful, you touched her the way you wanted.

Her hands found your hip and she pulled you on her lap.

“Wait - wait”

She stopped immediately.

“What about Iris?” You feel like crying again, if you’re just a replacement because it didn’t work out with her then you might kill her.

Ellie gaze is focused on her hand, that’s still on your hip.

“I couldn’t do it”

“Couldn’t do what?”

Ellie closed her eyes, frustration showing on her whole face

“I couldn’t do this to you- Jesus to her I just couldn’t. I kept on wishing it was you instead of her. The whole time and I mean for weeks. But I can’t lose you and I sure as hell can’t forget you”

Your breath feels lost and I feel dizzy.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You ask her and out both of your hand on her cheeks, so that she looks up at you.

“Why didn’t you? Because I was scared. Scared of losing you or us or both”

Her eyes got a bit watery again, you’ve known her for so long and you couldn’t even read her when she was hurting the most.

“Give me a second”

You got up and grabbed your phone out of your bag.

Audrey, sleep in Dina’s dorm tonight, in Ellie’s bed

And don’t worry about Ellie

Always warm your roommate about hook ups, or whatever this is. God you Hoped this wasn’t a one time thing.

“You’re okay with sleeping here?”

Ellie’s eyes went wide and her face got red.

“Yeah I mean yes for sure why shouldn’t I-?”

You sit down on her lap and kiss her again, harder this time.

“Is it okay if we fuck? Or too fast?” You ask her looking right into her eyes, so she would understand how serious you mean it.

“N-no im fine Are you fine?”

You grinned, she was so cute when she was nervous.

“I’m fine Ellie. Say stop and I’ll stop okay? Promise me you’ll do that?” You kiss down her neck as you speak and even there her skin was burning.

“Yes I can do that”

You get up to her face again and kiss her soft.

“Can you open my dress for me?”

She nods and her hands disappear behind your back.

The fabric on your skin never felt heavier and you just needed to get it off your skin. You needed Ellie to see you, to touch you.

Thank god you’re wearing pretty underwear, otherwise the anxiety would’ve ruined your confidence.

The cold gave you a little shiver, Ellie hand found your waist again and you literally melted under her touch.

A few seconds ago you were nervous how she might look at you. Ellie has experience, you too sure but she’s enough for you just by being here with you in this moment. You don’t know how she feels about you.

The warm light of your lamp shines on her face and her freckles never looked more beautiful.

Her eyes wander over your whole body.

Your lace bra, your legs, stomach and you’ve never felt this intimate with a person. It’s because this time it’s with her. And you feel golden, god she feels golden, the whole room does.

Ellie’s eyes stop at your bra and she grins.

“You’re so pretty” she whispers, as she kisses the exposed skin.

You sigh smiling, your hands finds her t shirt.

“Is this okay?” You ask for her permission.

She nods still kissing, touching your boobs over your bra and the two of you giggle as you take off her shirt and now both of you are almost naked In front of each other.

“I really wanna do this with some music on” she mumbles under her breath. A few moments later frank oceans voice is filling the room from Ellie’s phone. The bad quality made you chuckle.

Your hands touch her black sports bra, caressing over her small breasts and Ellie shivered for a moment.

It’s all you ever wanted.

All her rough and soft parts combine so good and make you feel so much, that you only want to scream.

You’ve seen Ellie in a sport bra before, at the beach or when she came from the gym, but you’ve always had this weird love for her toned forearms.

Ellie watched you with drunk looking eyes. Now she looks like the one who smoked the joint.

“I’ve imagined this before, so often it’s kinda embarrassing” she confesses.

You shake your head. “Im sure that I could keep up with it”

Your fingers started to make little circles around her nipples while you watched her face carefully, so that you wouldn’t kiss one expression.

Her eyes shut down and her brows furrow in pleasure.

For a while both of you almost fought about the control.

“Please let me take this off” she begs her hands already on your back, as she fumbles trying to get your bra open which was hard because you were moving a lot. From her neck, to her ear, to the other side.

But as soon as your breast were completely exposed, Ellie’s eyes darken and a satisfied grin appears on her mouth.

Feeling her eyes on you made your skin burn and you bury your face in your hands again growling frustrated.

“Please stop Ellie” you begged but you couldn’t help letting a little laugh coming out of your mouth.

You felt her hands on your boobs grabbing them softly, with a chuckle she starts massaging them.

“Stop What?” She mumbles, playing dumb obviously.

Her hands leave and suddenly it feels too cold without them. Ellie gently grabs your wrist and moves your hands away, so she could look at your face.

“Look at me, I won’t do anything unless you watch” she whispers.

It terrifies you for some reason. This moment and the consequences it will have.

Her head moves a bit lower to your boobs and she looks you in the eyes. You feel your emotions everywhere in your body, some are different from others.

“Here”

Ellie takes your hand and guides it too her hair.

“Hold my hair back for me” her voice sounds almost like she was in a trance, a trance she surly enjoyed.

The strings of her hair felt soft around your fingers and you decided to use both of your hands, so that no hair got into her face.

You heard a soft chuckle before she starts kissing your breast softly at first, while looking at you.

Her lips slightly brush against your already swollen nipple and you let out a loud high pitched moan.

You could feel her grin on your skin and all the embarrassment was gone.

She gently caresses over your nipple with her tongue and her fingers played with the other one.

“I really love these fuck” she whispers

The feeling in your core got worse and worse and the needy feeling was almost getting too painful.

“Ellie please I-“ her tongue flickers over you pink swollen nipple and you moan again.

“Hm?” She says completely focused on her work.

“Can you please eat me out or finger me I don’t care just please-“

the look on you face showed her how much you need it, because she immediately stopped and dropped you off her lap onto the bed.

“Yeah I can do that, didn’t know you could ever beg for something” she lets out a little giggle in her typical husky voice, while she kisses you down your body.

Your back found the wall and you changed your position, so that you could still watch her.

Her hands removed your underwear and the cold on your pussy makes you shiver.

She puts your legs over her shoulder and lays down on her stomach.

Her head lift up and she looks at you with a grin, an amused grin.

“What?” Your voice shakes a bit.

“Nothing just happy to be here”

You let out a loud laugh which died a second later, because Ellie starts to lick your clit in evil circles.

“You’re so fucking wet” she murmurs with closed eyes just saw tasting you.

Your voice got louder and louder by every move her tongue made and you could feel her enjoying every second.

“Oh my god faster Ellie please-“

Her tongue licks you faster, she couldn’t stop humming to your moans like she was feeling it too.

“You taste so good, just like I imagined”

Because of her words you got Even more turned on and you moan again, while Ellies holding you legs steady around her face.

“I’m gonna add a finger okay?”

You nodded energetic and gave off a little noise.

“Please Ellie just fuck me” you’re voice sounded like somebody else’s, way too high and way too filthy.

Ellie just chuckled and put her a finger inside your Pussy. She could feel how you’re legs tense on her cheek, as she continued too lick you’re clit.

The cruel combination made you go crazy, feeling dizzy in your head and your hips began too move on their own.

Ellie saw that as a sign too go faster as well, and her finger pushed in an out of your cunt.

“Ellie- please don’t stop”

She grins again, never imagined she would actually have you going crazy like this because of her.

“You’re getting tighter you close baby?” She teased shameless.

“Fuck- so close god-“

She adds another finger and the sudden stret made you moan and tremble at the same time.

“Come for me baby, please, make a mess on my fingers” Ellie sounded close herself and hearing her voice this desperate made you come so hard that you only saw stars for a moment.

“Oh my god- Ellie I’m gonna-!”

You came hard and ellie took everything you gave her, slurping and licking the fuck out of you.

You couldn’t stop panting for a moment, coming down from your high.

When you open your eyes Ellie was still cleaning up the mess you made, feeling her tongue on your skin.

“Okay Ellie- enough or I’m gonna cum again”

You said chuckling.

“Not my fault you taste so good holy shit” she puts her finger in her mouth.

“Ew ellie”

“Shut up I just fucked you with my mouth, you’re not allowed too judge me right now” she slides up to you and kisses your lips deeply with her tongue in your mouth, so you could taste yourself.

You kiss her back, just as eager, but the anxious thoughts won’t leave you alone.

“Um-“ you break the the kiss and Ellie whimpers slightly.

“Ellie is this just-“

“I love you.” She interrupts you, saying the words fast and it didn’t feel real for a second.

“What”

“Ive loved you for a while now I just- I’m sorry for not telling you but I was scared, god I was scared”

Her words hurt you, because you’ve felt the same way. Being too scared to tell someone how you feel is a shitty feeling.

She looks at you, but broke the eye contact immediately.

You pull her into you, kissing her cheek, her nose, her forehead, her everything.

“I also love you… that for a while as well”

A.n: sorry this was so fucking long 😭

And please Interact with the link about helping Palestine it’s literally just one click per day!!!

Anyways I hope you liked it and if there’s anything that I’ve missed or smth pls tell me!!

[babydollmarauders]

KIDS — JACK HUGHES

jack hughes x fem!reader

FAITHLYNN’S 500 CELLY!

🌷: “They’re not your kids, back the f*ck off.” & “That was kind of hot.” & “How is my wife more badass than me?” with Jack.

warnings: toxic mother (readers mom), profanity

as a mom, one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone else tries to parent my children. it happens most often with my own mother. she and i never had a great relationship, and i thought it may get better now that i have my own kids, but i was wrong, it’s only gotten worse.

she makes passive aggressive comments about Jack and i’s parenting choices, tries to undermine my decisions, and has even completely disregarded my words completely. but the real cherry on top is what’s happening right now.

Jack just got back from a roadie, and he was spending time with the kids when my mom showed up at our house. when i asked her what she was doing here, she said that she ‘thought i might need some help with the kids while Jack slept’. which rubbed me the wrong way because first of all, she knows he always sleeps on the plane so that he can play with Eli and Luella when he gets home; and second of all, she acts as if i don’t take care of my children all on my own the entire time he’s traveling.

“mom, what the hell?” i stage whisper, standing across from her in the kitchen. i glance out the kitchen doorway towards the living room, where Jack lays on the floor on his stomach, between our four year old and two year old, coloring with them. “you know full well that we’re perfectly fine.”

“well, i just wasn’t sure. you know, he spends so little time with them already, and he just got back from a long trip, i figured he would be tired. so i came over to take care of them so he could sleep.” she feigns innocence, raising her hands up in mock surrender.

“do you realize how bad he already feels about being away from them? he does the best that he can in order to spend as much time with them as possible, and you coming here, just assuming that he’d be giving up any time he has with them, is rude and disrespectful.” i tell her.

“well now that i’m here, i’d like to spend some time with my grandchildren.” she says.

“fine. whatever.” i storm out of the kitchen, and Jack’s head pops up when i walk back into the living room. his eyebrows raise at the sight of my irritated expression and i shake my head to tell him that i don’t wanna talk about it. his attention is pulled away when Eli calls for him, telling him to look at his drawing, and Jack praises our son’s art skills.

my mother follows me into the living room, and Luella stands to come show me her picture.

“look! mommy!” i crouch down, looking at her page of multicolored scribbles.

“it’s amazing, Lu! you did such a good job!” i tell her, my smile wide as i clap for her. she giggles and turns to show her grandmother the drawing, but my mom pays no attention to the art.

“oh, Luella.” my mother scolds. “look at your pretty dress, it’s all covered in popsicle. you have got to be more careful. and you shouldn’t have been eating a popsicle this early in the day.”

i roll my eyes. she can’t even help criticizing a two year old.

“she wanted one after lunch, and she did a good job with her food, so we gave her one, mom.” i tell her, my tone hostile.

“you need to stop giving them so much sugar.” she replies. “no wonder they have trouble listening. all that sugar and barely any adult supervision”

“they’re not your kids, back the fuck off.” i say lowly through a passive aggressive smile. “they have trouble listening sometimes because they’re children. and they have plenty of adult supervision.”

“i’m just trying to help you, y/n. lord knows you could use it.” she huffs. my eyes go wide as i look at Jack to see if he heard that, and i know he did because the muscle in his jaw ticks from clenching it. but i know he won’t say anything because he doesn’t want to offend his mother-in-law.

“Jack.” my words are sweet, but venom drips from my voice, and i square my shoulders to prepare for an argument. “can you please take Luella to get changed? and take Eli with you.”

my husband jumps up at my words, corralling our kids into Lu’s room.

“what the fuck is your problem?” my tone is harsh as i attempt to keep my voice down. “those are my children. if i needed your help, i would ask for it. i’m sick and tired of you coming over here and making comments about our parenting or judging my husband for how he takes care of our family. Jack loves his job. he loves hockey. and yes, he has to leave sometimes, for a week at most, but he is the best father to our children.”

“y/n-” she starts.

“no! i’m not done. if you want to continue to be a part of their lives, you’re going to stop with the passive aggressive comments. you’re going to quit undermining our authority. and for the love of god, you are going to stop criticizing my children! you already fucked up my childhood and i will not let you ruin theirs.” i’m nearly yelling at this point, my anger reaching new levels. “do i make myself clear?”

my mother huffs, eyeing me up and down before nodding.

“good. now i’d like for you to leave. i would like to spend time with my children, whom i love very much, and their amazing and selfless father.” i tell her. my mom spins around, stalking towards the front door and i don’t move until i hear the door shut. it’s then that i finally let my shoulders slump, heaving out a deep sigh.

Jack steps out of the kids room, the children trailing after him as he makes his way over to me. his hands grip my waist as he pulls me against him, a smirk gracing his lips.

“that was kind of hot. like, seriously, how is my wife more badass than me?” he leans down, pulling me in for a kiss. his lips are soft and taste like the grape popsicle he shared with Luella earlier. “you did great, baby.”

“you think so? i wasn’t too harsh?” i ask, tears stinging my eyes.

“no. you said what needed to be said. i’m so proud of you for standing up to her.” he mutters against my lips.

“thank you, babe.”

-

-

[babymetaldoll]

Are you mine? - Chapter eleven: "The pieces this job takes"

Summary: The Reids welcome little Vinny, and Raven will have to deal with being a sister now. The team has to say good bye to a member, and Spencer will just have to deal with changes one more time.  Word count: 11.094 Warnings: This is a painful chapter for Spencer.  A/N: Sorry I couldn't post last week,  I had an accident (don't worry, I'm ok). I love Anderson's moment to shine in this chapter, and I hate putting Spencer through more trauma. Also, I was so sad writing Raven's tantrum... I totally understand her. 

Series' Masterlist - Author's masterlist

Previous chapter | Next chapter (post date: November 13th)

(Y/N)’s point of view 

Morgan took six months off after what happened to him. He had to recover mentally and physically, which was neither easy nor fast. I know some things happened to him he wasn’t sharing with us, not even with Savannah. He didn’t want to be a burden for her, and that’s a feeling I can absolutely understand.

We saw him a lot though, which was good. We were there for him the day he and Savanna got married in a beautiful ceremony, and he was there for us the day Vincent was born.

Considering the team was down two members, Hotch couldn’t let Spencer stay at Quantico the last couple of weeks before the baby’s due date. Of course, that means I was in the bullpen when my water broke.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder why we didn't leave the FBI sooner. I'm fully aware I keep saying the same the entire time, but it’s shocking how things were a hot mess and we never noticed. Why were we so blind?

I wanted to kill Hotch for forcing Spencer to go with the team to solve a case in Alabama when I was so close to my due date. I understood things were critical without Morgan on the team and with me not being able to fly. But yet, you’d expect some humanity. I guess sometimes work comes first for some people.

My water broke as I walked from Garcia’s office to my desk to pick up some files. I froze on my spot and didn’t know what to do for a few seconds. My mind went blank. That was not supposed to happen like that. Not with Spencer away. And definitely not in the middle of the office.

- “Anderson…”- I looked around me and found him at his desk, typing something.- “Sonny, can you help me?”

- “What happened, Reid?”- ever since I married Spencer, he has loved calling me by my new last name.

- “Uhm… can you come over?”

- “Give me a minute.”- and he kept typing, not even looking at me. I didn’t want to yell I was almost popping a baby right there, but my friend wasn’t giving me another chance.

- “I can’t wait. Please.”

- “Come on, Reid.”

- “Agent Grant Anderson, I need you. Now.”- a few other heads turned as my voice filled the bullpen. Anderson turned to me shocked, but I’m guessing my freaked-out face forced him to bite his tongue at whatever he was going to say and he rushed over to me.

- “What… oh shit.”- he looked at the puddle on the floor between my legs and understood it all in a second.

- “Yes.”- I cut him a short smile and took a deep breath. I had to do my best not to freak out too.

- “What now?”- Anderson whispered, remaining calm.

- “I need you to drive me to the hospital. Garcia is busy helping the team.”

- “Ok, do you wanna call Reid first?”

- “First, I wanna call my doctor. And I need to tell Garcia. Spencer is gonna freak out and there is no need to get him worried when this can still take a few more hours.”- I did my best to remain calm knowing as soon as Spencer knew what was happening, he was ditching the team and taking the first flight back home.

- “Ok, you wanna sit down while I get Garcia?”

- “I don’t wanna get the chair all dirty.”- I argued as Anderson moved a chair closer.

- “Don’t be silly, Reid. Sit down, I’ll bring Garcia and your phone so you can dial your doctor, ok?”- I simply nodded and watched him sprint across the office.

Raven took her sweet time when she was born, but not our Vincent. He was ready to take over the world in no time. Contractions hit me hard and I was worried my husband wasn’t going to make it on time to be with me during labor. Did I tell him? Of course not, I knew he was freaking out and I didn’t want to worry him anymore.

Spencer called me as soon as he could. I didn’t get to him the first time I dialed, so he got the news from Garcia when Anderson was taking me to the hospital.

- “I’m ok, honey. I promise.”- I whispered as soon as I heard his voice on the other side of the line.- “Doctor Feldmann is going to be waiting for me at the hospital, and Frank and Mikey are on their way over.”

- “I’ll ask Morgan to go too.”

- “He has his very own pregnant wife to take care of, hun.”- I reminded him, but I could almost see Spencer’s scowl all the way from Alabama.

- “I can’t believe I am not there with you.”

- “It might take a few more hours, so you’ll be ok. We’ll wait for you to start the fun part.”- I joked knowing there was no way I could predict that, but I needed to give Spencer some peace of mind.

- “I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’ll call you when my flight arrives.”- I heard Spencer sigh at the other side of the line and my chest tightened knowing how bad he felt being away from me at that minute.

- “I love you so much honey bunny. Be safe, ok?”

- “I’m so sorry, chipmunk. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

- “I know. Please, take care.”

- “Ok, nugget. Your mom is on her way with Raven, I got you ice, and some marshmallows in case your sugar drops. I think we are covered. Do you have to start pushing already? Shit, I’m not ready for that. Please don’t start pushing yet.”- Frank rushed into my room, nearly hyperventilating. He paced across the room, clearly freaking out, as I stared at him, and the nurse raised an eyebrow.

- “Is he the dad?”

- “Nope-” I replied chuckling- “He is not even the godfather. Just my best friend.”

- “Basically I’m like a brother to you.”- Frank replied right away, and pretended to be shocked - “And I am not Vinny’s godfather? Are you serious? What are you talking about? I feel betrayed.”

- “I told you, it’s gonna be Mikey. You are Raven’s godfather. You can’t have all the kids.”

- “We are not having this conversation right now. You are clearly sedated.”- I chuckled and stared at my friend, who crossed his arms on his chest and looked at me from the end of my bed.

- “You do realize I haven’t gotten anything yet. I am not even…”- but a contraction stopped my words and ended that silly argument. Frank moved quickly to my side and held my hand tight. He didn’t even say a word, he just stared at me, obviously concerned, and waited until the pain had passed.

- “I’m so not having kids.”- he whispered after a few seconds, making me chuckle.

- “That’s ok, just can you check my vagina and see if I’m dilated already?”- I joked and saw the color leaving his face.- “I’m joking! Go out and wait for my mom. I’ll be fine.”

- “No way. I am not leaving you alone. I’m not getting anywhere near your vagina, but I am not leaving you alone until Spencer is here.”

And he didn’t leave. Frank stayed in my room until my husband got there, five hours later. Morgan, Mikey, and my mom kept me company too. They took Raven to get ice cream from the cafeteria and honestly helped me stay sane. Savannah, who was four months pregnant by then, and still dealing with all the nausea and morning sickness, helped keep me sane during the entire time. She was not only my friend, but also a doctor, and that always helped during delivery.

I will always be grateful for the family of friends we’ve created along the way.

Spencer’s point of view

It was a mess, nothing went as planned. I was in Alabama with the team and took the first flight back home. Garcia called me, nearly crying ‘cos she couldn’t go with my wife to the hospital, she had to work the case along with the team. I froze in place for a few seconds, not knowing what to do first.

- “Anderson is gonna drive her to the hospital. I'll be with her as soon as I can.”

- “I’m on my way.”- that was all I could say before I hung up and turned to Hotch.- “I have to leave. Now.”

Morgan, Frank, and Mikey had to take my place in the hospital while I was away. I nearly got into the pilot’s cabin and yelled at him to take us home faster if possible. Those were the longest four hours of my life, it was torture. I thought I was going to go crazy sitting there thinking my wife was alone in a hospital delivering our baby, and all because work forced me to be out of town.

When I finally got to the hospital, I rushed in flashing my FBI badge to everyone and anyone who could even think of trying to stop me. Am I proud of that? No. Do I regret it? Hell no! I just wanted to be with my wife as soon as possible, no matter what.

- “Reid!”- I heard Morgan’s voice as I rushed down the hall, trying to find the right room. He was with Savannah, Mikey, and Raven.

- “Dada!”- she escaped Mikey’s arms and ran to me. I squatted and opened my arms to hold her. - “Mommy said bad words.”

I chuckled at her comment and kissed her forehead as I stood up and walked toward our friends, who stood up as soon as they saw me.

- “I think today we can spare her a few bad words.”- I whispered into my daughter’s ear and heard her giggle.- “Guys, thank you for being here.”

- “Nothing to thank us for”- Morgan replied immediately- “You should put an eye on your pretty girl. She looked like she was about to pop your kid five minutes ago.”- I widened my eyes, gave Raven to Mikey, and ran to the room.

(Y/N) was squatting on a ball, holding her mother’s hand as Frank kneeled beside her, talking nonstop and looking honestly confused.

- “Oh thank god.”- he mouthered the second he saw me. I rushed in and held my wife tight. She grunted and shook in my arms. That’s when I realized how late I was.

- “I’m here, ma cherie. I’m here.”

- “I know. Vincent is almost here too.”- she whispered and didn’t let go. For a few minutes, it was just us holding each other. I wanted to ask her to forgive me for being so late, but words didn’t leave my lips. Instead, I just kept her close to me for a little longer.

- “I’m gonna get the nurse.”- Sofia said, probably to give us some privacy.

- “And I'm gonna leave this room before our friendship is forever scarred with gore scenes I will never be able to forget.”- Frank added and walked to the door.- “I’ll be out with the guys and my goddaughter.”

- “Thank you.”- that’s all I managed to say, but I’ve always been sure he understood the depth of my words. For a few minutes, it was just us. (Y/N) asked me to help her move to the bed, and I wrapped my arms around her to help her support the weight of her belly.

- “Did you tell Hotch I hate him for keeping you away?”- she muttered in the middle of what was clearly a very painful contraction.

- “Yes, I did.”

I did not. It wasn’t necessary, (Y/N) had made it clear before we left for the case that she was never going to forgive Hotch if the baby was born while I was out of town. The entire team knew it, my wife hadn’t been subtle at all. She stood next to the elevator's door before we left for the case, looked him in the eyes, and said: “If the baby is here and Spencer is still away, I won’t be back for work, ever again.”

- “Good.”- she whispered as I helped her sitting on the hospital bed.- “Honey Bunny, I think I’m ready to push.”

- “Wait just a few more minutes. Your mom is coming with the doctor.”

- “Shit, fuck, for Christ's sake! What shitted mother fucker thought this fuckery was in fact fair for women??!- my wife shouted every curse with such profound heart and pain, it was clear she needed more medication. Who knew when she had gotten her epidural.

- “You know, the first thing Raven told me when I got here was how you had said many bad words today.”- I whispered in her ear as I kept rubbing her back, trying to help her through the pain.

- “I fucking told Mikey to take her out, I didn’t want her to be traumatized and watch me losing it in pain.”- (Y/N) seemed mortified.

- “It’s ok, I told her you were allowed to curse a little today.”- Sofia and a nurse walked into the room, and a doctor followed them a few seconds after.

- “Ok Mrs. Reid, your baby boy seems to be ready.”- doctor Feldmann announced as he sat at the end of the bed and checked on my wife.

- “He feels ready as well.”- she mumbled, doing her best to be strong. I just scooped a little closer and held her a little tighter. I’ve never known what to do during delivery but praying and holding her hand tight. Being next to her while she delivers our babies is magical and agonizing at the same time. I will never love the process, not if I know she is going through an excruciating pain and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

It only took thirty minutes and Vincent Spencer Reid was there with us. His soft cries filled the room and my heart stopped. He was so small, so innocent, so vulnerable. Dr Feldmann placed him on (Y/N)’s chest and she caressed his back carefully, as the two of us stared at him with a loving smile on our lips.

- “Hello baby boy.”- she whispered and her voice shook as tears fell from her eyes.- “Aren’t you a pretty boy. My pretty boy.”

- “Hey there, Vincent. I’m your dad. Hello.”- I ran my fingers down his tiny arm and smiled at him.- “I hope you like baseball ‘cos it’s the only sport I’ve managed to learn so far.”

- “Maybe he’ll teach you, look at those hands, they are so big.”- (Y/N) whispered and touched his fist with her index - “Looks like the hand of a basketball player.”

- “Or maybe he’ll be an artist.”- I suggested and (Y/N) looked at me with a bigger smile.

- “I would love that.”- I stared into her eyes and caressed her cheek a few times, then ran my fingers up to her temples, and wiped a little of her sweat off before kissing her.

- “You did you good, ma cheriè. I’m so proud of you.”

- “I’m glad it went well and that he is here. Wanna go tell the rest?”

- “Not yet.”- I whispered and touched Vinny’s back one more time, enjoying the feeling of having my son there with me for the very first time - “Give me another minute of this.”

- “All the time you want.”- my wife answered and chuckled- “We have a son.”

- “We have a son.”- I smiled at those words and tears blurred my vision for a moment. I had a son, and he was perfect. Life was perfect.

Mikey stood up the second he saw me and his smile mimicked mine as I announced Vinny was there and that everything had gone well. He, Frank, and Morgan hugged me, tapping on my back, and congratulating me. Well, us. I smiled at them as I turned to Raven and opened my arms for her. She was cuddled in Sofia's arms and hesitated for a few seconds before moving toward me.

- “Come on birdy. Do you wanna see mommy and meet your brother?”- Sofia kissed her cheek and encouraged her to go with me, but she still wasn’t sure. I held her and kissed her cheek a few times before announcing.

- “(Y/N) said you guys can come in and say hi after Raven meets her brother. He really wanted to hang out with her first.”

- “Of course man.”- Morgan replied.- “Your baby boy has to meet his big sister first.”

- “I’m not big.”- Raven whispered.- “I’m a baby too.”

I should have seen that reaction coming, honestly. Raven hadn’t been excited during the first few months of (Y/N)’s pregnancy. She actually threw a massive tantrum the day we explained to her what was happening. It hadn’t been easy and Frank stepped up as her godfather and helped her see the benefits of having a little brother. However, we knew Raven would get jealous no matter how. And it was our job to show her nothing was going to change.

- “Baby girl, are you ready?”- I whispered as I held my daughter in my arms and started walking to the room. Raven hid her face on my shoulder and wrapped her arms around me very tight. I could almost feel her little heart beating hard inside her chest. It was a big day for her. The same as it was for us.

- “Hey birdy!”- (Y/N) whispered from her bed, where she sat, nursing Vincent.- “Vinny was just asking for you.”

Raven’s curiosity was bigger than her fear, clearly, ‘cos she slowly moved her face from my neck and turned to look at her brother.

- “Look, that’s your brother, Vincent.”- I sat next to (Y/N) and Raven moved in my arms, trying to get the closest look she could to her brother. She was silent judging the baby. I kept my eyes on her as she raised her little hand and carefully pressed a finger on his cheek.

- “He is so Squishy!”- Raven whispered and giggled.- “Vinny is squishy!!”

- “Yes, he is. And he is very tiny, are you gonna help us teach him all the fun things we do?”- my wife held Raven’s small hand and placed a kiss on it, making our daughter giggle one more time- “Like singing and playing and having tea parties?”

- “Can he wear a tiara?”- I tried not to chuckle at her question ‘cos she was incredibly serious about it.

- “If he wants to, of course.”

- “Don’t worry Birdy. We are still going out every Saturday morning on our dad and daughter dates.”

- “Just us?”- Raven looked at me and her little eyes shone with excitement.

- “Just us.”- I murmured and kissed the top of her head.

- “Do you wanna hold him?”- (Y/N) asked and Raven couldn’t believe it.

- “Yes Mommy!! Please!!”

- “Ok, sit here next to me.”- and as our daughter followed all the instructions my wife gave her and I placed a pillow on her small lap, I stared at the scene unraveling in front of me as I did my best not to cry, but tears kept filling my eyes. My daughter was now a big sister and was holding her little brother in her arms. I chuckled and locked eyes with (Y/N) for a moment. And as we smiled at each other, all I could think of was: I have two kids. Everything I do, I do it for my wife and our two kids.

You don’t know how that thought can change a person. The way it made me feel so much stronger and weaker at the same time. I would do anything for my family. I would fight the world to keep them safe. And at the same time, it petrified me knowing I was now living with my heart outside my chest. They were all I had, all I loved. My entire life.

I never thought I’d have a conversation about this a few months later, with Morgan, right after he came back to the team. We first had a surprise baby shower for him and Savannah in the meeting room. She was nearly on her due date and Morgan was clearly freaking out about becoming a dad, so we tried to help him relax a little and share a nice moment before a big case. (Y/N) was already back working, so she organized everything with Garcia and Savannah. Raven was in Playground and Sofia took care of Vincent while we worked, and though life was crazy, you could say we were managing.

We had a case that very same day that took us to Witchita, a double homicide and a child abduction. It hit differently when they were kids involved. To all of us now, but I’m guessing Morgan wasn’t ready to be back on the field and dealing with something like that.

We were in the police office, just us, going over some information while the rest of the team gathered a few things. I was going over some info, and Morgan seemed lost, sitting there, his mind and thoughts just weren’t in the room with us.

- “The glue our unsub used is sold practically everywhere, so we can't isolate the point of purchase.”- I pointed out as I read one of the files we had.- “A mineral analysis from the sand, however, indicates that it came from the Seneca River in upstate New York.”

Morgan didn’t reply. I doubt he even heard me. I kept my eyes on him as I straightened up and walked a little closer to him.

- “You ok?”

- “Yeah.”- he replied, but his eyes were so sad and concerned it was clear he was not, in fact, ok.

- “Morgan, we're gonna find the people who tried to kill you.”- I said as I sat on a chair in front of him, trying to reassure him that things were going to be ok. But that was not what clouded his mind, not that minute at least.

- “He was in his pajamas.”- he mumbled, staring at a point on the wall. He must have felt I wasn’t getting where he was going, ‘cos he quickly added. - “Ronnie Brewer. Out there by the side of the road, he was still in his pajamas.”

I looked at my hands and took a deep breath. That was a fact I knew, but I was trying my best not to overanalyze it. Not to imagine my kids in his place either. Not to lose it in the middle of an investigation. It’s hard to keep your head cold. You might think it gets easier with the years, but no. It only gets worse. The more you get involved in the cases, the more parts of you you give.

- “I'm sorry, kid.”- Morgan tried to justify his behavior.- “I, uh, I don't know, man. Six months on the sidelines. I guess I still have a few blisters where I used to have calluses.”

- “I don't think that's what this is.”- I say looking straight at his face with a short smile.

- “Oh, no?”- I shook my head when he stared at me confused - “Then what is it?”

- “You're about to be a dad. You know? You have to expect the world to start to feel different.

- “Did it happen to you?”

- “Of course. And it’s terrifying!”- I confessed and tried to be as honest as possible, ‘cos maybe that would help him relax a little. He sighed and held his head with one head for a minute, trying to focus and rearrange his thoughts.

- “It just feels so hard. Not as in difficult. Literally hard.”- Morgan started explaining how he felt. And it was something that I could definitely understand. - “Like asphalt is hard. Like pavement.”

- “And children are soft.”- I added, and the thought of Raven touching Vincent’s cheek saying how “squishy” he was filled my mind and my heart with love and fear. These two feelings that, apparently by rule, always came together in my life.

- “Yeah. Defenseless.”- Morgan added, mumbling under breath.

- “That's why every day we try to make this world a little safer.”- I said and tried to smile at him, though the frown on his face didn’t move.

- “How do you do it? You have two, you’ve seen the worst people can do.”

- “We are making a change, one day at a time. I will never look at the world the way I did before I was a father. But it helps knowing there are people like us, catching bad guys. I guess focusing on the good instead of the horror is what keeps me going.”

Morgan stared at me in silence, like analyzing everything I had just said. For the first time in my life, I felt like he was the one who needed my help. I was usually the one lost in a world with too many messages I couldn’t understand. And Morgan was the one helping me decoding them and teasing me about it.

But not this time.

- “If there's one thing I'm sure of, is that you and Savannah are going to be great parents.”- I added and smiled at him. Morgan chuckled and realized the position we were at. Me, giving him advice for once.

- “Charge by the hour, Doc?

- “Yeah, but you need to book your appointment at least two days ahead.”- I teased and my friend finally laughed. For the first time in what seemed to be years.

(Y/N)’s point of view

I tried to be rational. I swear. But after baby number two and going back to work, I hated how everything had changed. I could feel it around me, and I know Spencer felt it too, though I’m not sure if he felt it at the same level I did.

It was clear Morgan was leaving. I could feel it in my guts the second he walked back to the bullpen after those six months away, and I tried to prepare my husband for it. Change is part of life, that I can not change (see what I did there?). But that doesn’t mean we are always gonna love each one of the changes of ties that life sends our way. Derek had the right to start a new life, and the time felt right. It made me wonder, yet again, if leaving the BAU was the right path to follow. But at that time, it didn’t make as much sense as it does now. I guess I wasn’t ready to deal with everything that would unravel with time.

One of those things was so embarrassing I kept pushing it aside and failed. But it was so incredibly embarrassing, that I couldn’t tell anyone but Lu.

I was jealous. Seriously jealous. Of JJ.

At that time it was mainly because my stomach kept telling me there was something odd about how sometimes, especially during cases. She acted somehow territorial about Spencer. Like he was hers. That made no sense, obviously. He was my husband and only her friend. I wasn’t proud of how I felt, but a voice deep inside of me kept warning me about her attitude.

But instead of listening to my instinct, I tried to bury it. I excused my own brain, telling myself it was all because I had just had a baby and I was feeling insecure. Which was probably true, in part. But there was something about how JJ always found an excuse to be close to my husband that bothered me the second I came back to work after my maternity leave.

It didn’t really help that we were under similar conditions. Both had two kids and husbands on the field. A very demanding job, eyes for Spencer the entire time he was around. And it felt like she had her shit together, not like me, who struggled every day. Not JJ. She was fucking perfect. From her hair to her attitude and her outfits. There was no way she was a mother of two, her body was, for lack of a better word, perfect. I was filled with stretch marks underneath my clothes, making me feel incredibly self-conscious. I knew it was normal, I had two babies, my body was going to change, and Spencer seemed to be ok with that. But it felt unfair. JJ looked the same. I looked like a mom. I hated it.

- “You do realize you are being incredibly hormonal about this. Right?”- Lu suggested one afternoon when I managed to call her in between kids, cases, and house chores. Spencer had taken Raven to the store to get some things I needed to cook dinner, and Vinny was napping. So I called my friend as I started catching up with laundry.

- “Define being hormonal, please.”

- “You are not being rational, and you always keep your head cold, and this is so not you. Who cares about JJ? Spencer loves you!”

- “I know, but… she is so much better than me in every single fucking way. It’s annoying.”

- “That’s all in your head!”- I could basically hear my friend’s grin through the line. - “All this ‘cos you are no longer a size… what’s your size again?”

- “No! all this ‘cos I feel like a big fucking failure!”

- “How are you even failing? You do more in a day than Frankie does in a year.”- I tried not to chuckle at the comparison because I was trying to show her how upset I was.

- “I mean it, Lu! I know this is not a competition, but what if Spencer realizes I am a shitty wife, a lousy mother, and a sickening sight when naked.”

- “Aren’t you being silly? That man has loved you since before he could even start talking to you or even looking you in the eye. So stop it.”

- “He loved her first”

- “He had a silly crush on her before he met you. That’s it. You’ve always felt threatened by her. It’s not just now. And that’s because you can not believe something this good could happen to you. But it did, so be grateful and enjoy it.”- Lu gave a very compelling speech, I gotta admit. But one thing kept bothering me.

- “What if she is in fact in love with him and tries to do something?”

- “Then she is the most stupid FBI agent I’ve ever met.”

I remember chuckling at her response, thinking if JJ ever tried to make her move on my husband, not only I was going to go absolutely unsub with her, but probably Lu, my mom, and even Frank and Mikey could definitely bring her down.

But, much as I tried, things had changed. I could feel it. It was obvious even when nothing was happening at the bullpen. And it was clear the second Morgan came back to work. He wasn’t the same man that had left six months earlier. None of us were anymore.

The last case we worked with Morgan was the worst we had had since he had been kidnapped.

Savannah got shot. That day we were about to leave the bullpen when Garcia got the call. Spencer was talking with JJ as I grabbed all my things, already late to Raven’s school spring recital. Our daughter was so excited about the recital, her class was going to sing a song and she had practiced for weeks. She was confident she was good at it, and all she could talk about was how much she wanted to show her dad how well she and her friend were going to sing. It broke my heart to miss that show. I know it broke Spencer’s as well.

Pen rushed over, tears already falling down her cheeks, as she explained what had just happened. Morgan was at the hospital with Savannah. They were trying to save her and their baby. Things didn’t look good. In a second we were running to the elevator and Hotch drove us to the crime scene.

You don’t know how hard it is to call it a “crime scene” when it’s the place your friend was hurt. Hotch tried to keep Derek out of the investigation for obvious reasons, Morgan wasn’t in his right mind. None of us were, to be honest. But I knew keeping him out of the investigation was basically impossible. So I entered mode S.A.A Reid, and hid all my fears and worries, even my daughter’s deception (I knew I was going to deal with that later). I needed to help our friends.

I called my mom from the car. I tried to explain what had just happened and why we couldn’t be there with our daughter. We jumped out of the SUV as soon as we got there, Morgan was trying to cross the police line, looking like a madman. I heard him yelling “That’s my team” before JJ walked over and explained to the police he was in fact an FBI agent and not a psycho. I couldn’t blame him, I would look the same if my family had been hurt. I know I did when it happened. You see red when they hurt someone you love.

- “Tell me you got something.”- Morgan demanded, fire in his eyes as he spoke to us.

- “A casing and a rifle up on the roof.”- Rossi explained in a single line everything we knew.

- “This guy isn't sloppy. He's sending us a message.”- JJ added, but really didn’t say anything new. I turned to Morgan and held his hand for a moment, giving it a small squeeze, trying to comfort him. He was hot, and anger was running through his body as adrenaline kept him going.

- “Garcia, we need to access the surveillance footage.”- Hotch said and Pen nodded immediately.

- “Of course. I'm on it.”- and off she went.

- “What else we got?”- Morgan asked, and none of us said a thing. ‘Cause of course, after fifteen minutes, we didn’t have much to add.

- “That's it right now.”- Rossi sighed and shook his head

- “Where were you and Savannah standing?”- Spencer asked, first ‘cause Morgan was the only witness we had, and even under the stressful conditions he was under, he had to tell us what he saw. And second, ‘cos we had to keep him busy or that man was going to go crazy.

- “We were standing right over there on the side of my truck. We were just talking. She was to the back and I was facing her. I was the vulnerable one. I was the easy shot.”- Morgan finished that sentence screaming.

- “How's Savannah?”- I whispered, trying to calm him down.

- “She's in surgery.”- our friend’s voice was cracking, just like his strength. I grabbed his arms and pushed him with me to start walking.

- “Come on, let's check in. Rossi, are you coming?”- David nodded and started walking along with us.

- “You guys got this?”- Morgan asked and looked at the team. Spencer nodded and looked at me for a moment. He confessed sometime later that all he could think of that minute was that if that was me in the hospital, shot, he’d kill whoever was responsible for hurting me. I never forgot it 'cause I kept thinking the same thing.

We checked in at the hospital, where Rossi did most of the talking, and then we sat in a waiting room on the second floor.

- “Metro PD's gonna secure all the windows and have an officer placed in front of Savannah's room 24/7.”- David explained as Morgan walked and nodded, like a zombie.

- “Thanks.”- he mumbled though I know he didn’t process what Rossi had just said.

- “I got us a conference room down the hall to work in, and I'm getting access to the security cams right now.”- Penelope announced as she walked into the room, nearly hyperventilating.

- “Great. You two need coffee?”- Rossi offered

- “I’m good.”- Garcia replied immediately

- “No. Thanks.”- Morgan nearly bit Rossi’s head off as he replied. I couldn’t blame him, though, he was under stress, and he was going to be a nasty asshole until he knew Savannah was safe. Rossi looked at me and asked.

- “No cream, no sugar?”

- “Thank you.”- I whispered and cut him a short smile as he walked out of the waiting room.

- “Tara's donating blood in case Savannah needs more. It turns out they're the same type.”- Pen added as Morgan continued pacing across the room.

- “I’m a universal donor. I’m gonna sign up to donate for her as well.”- I said and turned around to leave. I knew Morgan well enough to leave him be for a moment. Now that he was in the waiting room, pacing and with Garcia, I could be useful somewhere else.

I was still signing papers when I heard Morgan storm out of the waiting room, smashing a pile of paper towels in a cart he found on his way down the hall. The nurses winced and I sighed as I grabbed my phone and read my husband’s text. Hotch had taken Morgan officially off the case.

- “Is he ok?”- Spencer texted me.

- “Nope. Stormed out. I’m donating blood for Savannah.”- I quickly replied. A nurse asked me to follow her to another room and got me ready to

- “Looking at the footage with JJ in the conference room.”- my stomach tightened at the thought of him and JJ being alone. But we were at work, and doing something incredibly important and personal. There was no time for jealousy.

- “I’ll be there in a second.”- I replied and put my phone back into my pocket. The nurse asked me to raise my sleeve, and for a couple of minutes, all I could do was pray for Savannah’s health.

- “So if security footage has no angles of the shooting or the rooftop, where does that leave us?”- Rossi asked as we all stood around the table, trying to find something new to call a clue that might lead us to the shooter.

- “We're running facial recognition on everyone in and around the hospital to see if they match any loose ends from Morgan's abduction.”- JJ announced as I sipped on my coffee. Hotch walked into the room that second. It had taken him an extra fifteen minutes to get there after I was done donating blood, which only meant one thing: whatever Morgan had said to him, got to him.

- “How did he take it?”- Spencer asked what we all knew had happened. Hotch’d face didn’t move when he simply replied

- “As expected.”- and that was all we talked about our friend’s emotional tantrum.

- “Sir, I know that when Morgan was on leave after his abduction, you encouraged him to stay away from the case.”- Garcia started explaining what we had all done behind Hotch and Rossi’s back.

- “And let me guess, he didn't.”- David interrupted her, and we all shook our heads.

- “We all knew in our hearts it wasn't over, and, look, we were right, so in an extra-curricular kind of way we kept sleuthing to see who was working with John Bradley.”- Garcia explained and I looked at Rossi with a shy and almost innocent smile.

- “Everyone needs a hobby, right?”

- “You of all people here have enough going on in her end to add more to her table.”- Rossi argued and Spencer frowned.

- “I helped her.”

- “Getting her pregnant again isn’t helping.”- David joked, and Hotch ignored us as he started talking.

- “Before he came back to work, Morgan said that he'd found a connection between the men who held him at the cabin and the Montolo family.”- Hotch added, looking at Rossi, who seemed lost. Like he never saw coming the fact none of us was going to let Morgan’s kidnap go.

- “Right. So, basically, we're dealing with a big crime family tree, of which Bradley was certainly a branch. And the Montolos had hired him multiple times.”- Garcia added, simply explaining we were obsessed with his case.

- “Did you scan the drawing?”- I asked her and she nodded.

- “Yeah, it's right here.”- at those words, Spencer leaned closer to look at the screen with me.

- “So, has everyone been working on this?”- Rossie asked, surprised.

- “Yeah.”- I said not taking my eyes from the screen.

- “Basically.”- my husband supported me.

- “Kinda.”- Pen added with a shy/busted smile and then she started explaining what we had. - “Ok, with Morgan's research, plus our bad guys/gals tree here, we've cut all the legs off the evil table. So like look… you got assassin mother, father, siblings, all deceased, one aunt in therapy for family trauma, and each line is like that.”

- “Montolo's line's the shortest of them all.”- Spencer pointed out - “The only living child of Chazz and Rosemary Montolo. Rosemary died when Giuseppe was just a boy.”

- “When you thought your family was fucked up…”- I shook my head at my own words, trying to ease the mood ‘cos for the life of me, I can’t deal with so much gravity from time to time.

- “Right. And then Giuseppe went to live with his family in Italy, and Chazz went off to build a criminal empire.”- Pen added. Rossi walked to me and grabbed one of the files.

- “Looks like Chazz Montolo was killed last year.”

- “Yeah, in a bank fire in Germany. Got a positive I.D. On the dental and fingerprints.”- Pen even showed him the newspaper of the fire.

- “One week after his son was murdered. What if that's not a coincidence?”

- “So whoever poisoned the son also killed the father.”- JJ suggested, but I shook my head, reading Hotch’s mind.

- “Or he staged his own death so we wouldn't suspect him of this.”- I said and felt Spencer’s hand resting on my lower back as I spoke, supporting and comforting me.

- “Hey, wait, wait, wait.”- Pen suddenly freaked out and started typing as fast as she could- “I only ran facial recognition on living people for obvious reasons, but this guy right here, walking out of the hospital, this guy, that is… That's Chazz Montolo.”

- “Well done, ma cherie.”- Spencer whispered in my ear and I turned to smile at him for a fraction of a second. We were finally going somewhere.

- “Garcia, play the footage.”- Hotch asked, and a few seconds later, we were all able to watch Montolo senior walking out of the hospital.

- “Mother fucker.”- I whispered thinking that asshole had been there with us in the building.

- “Garcia, contact the city, get access to traffic cameras. Now that we know he's here, we can find out where he went.”- but her phone ringing freaked her out before she could do anything.

- “Oh, wait, Morgan's calling me. I told him I'd keep him in the know before I knew it was an order that he wasn't supposed to know.”

- “All right.”- Hotch sighed and looked at me and my husband. - “Reids, you talk to Morgan. JJ, you and Garcia track Montolo and find out who his accomplices are. He doesn't work alone. Dave, you and I will find potential witnesses who might have seen him on the property.”

And before we could even argue or plan what we were going to tell our friend, we were forced to move and face him.

- “Wait, wait.”- I grab my husband’s sleeve and stop him- “We should get him something.”

- “I don’t think he is hungry.”- Spencer raised an eyebrow as he stared at me.

- “Still. Maybe something to drink to warm him.”

- “You wanna stress him more by adding caffeine to his body?”- he questioned me.

- “Hot chocolate?”

- “He will throw it on our faces.”- Spencer was probably right, but he could read my worry.- “Green tea?”- I nodded and walked to the closest vending machine.

- “Raven must be so angry with us.”- I whispered as I pushed a few buttons on the machine, and a cup with some suspicious-looking tea appeared in front of our eyes.

- “I know.”

- “We are gonna have to deal with her when we get home.”

- “I know…”- Spencer sighed and rubbed his hands against his face, trying to rearrange his thoughts. - "I really can’t deal with that right now.”

- “I know, I’m sorry. I just can’t stop thinking about her and Vinny, and if any of this happened to them, or you.”

- “I understand, ma cherie. So much.”- Spencer moved a step closer and kissed the top of my head.- “But right now we have to focus on helping Morgan. Ok’”- I just nodded and grabbed the cup of tea.

- “Ok.”- I looked at my husband and took a deep breath. I know he was doing his best to keep his head cold and focus on the case- “Alright, let’s do this.”

Morgan was back in the waiting room. He kept pacing, still looking like a madman. But now he was an angry madman. Angry with us ‘cos he knew we were keeping things from him.

- “Were you with Garcia?”- he asked as soon as we walked in.

- “Yeah.”- I replied and tried to smile at him, to maybe calm him down, or make him feel less threatened- “Here, we brought you a green tea.”

- “It won't make you as jittery as coffee.”- Spencer offered the cup to our friend and he grabbed it, but not without reading every single movement the two of us made. It was annoying, Frank was right.

- “You came instead of Garcia because you know I'd be able to read her.”- Morgan didn’t ask, it was a fact.

- “That is correct.”- Spencer nodded and whispered.

- “And Hotch sent you both here to see if I'm stable.”

- “He didn't say that, but…”- my husband made a pause and I just sighed.

- “Let’s say we were the chosen ones ‘cos Hotch trusted we could read you, and if you were too angry at him, we wouldn’t take it personally in case you’d yell.”- I couldn’t lie to Morgan, so I didn’t. He nodded and didn’t even try to say he wouldn’t yell. It felt good to know we were above that bullshit.

- “I don't get jittery.”- of everything we said, that was what Morgan wanted to point out. Why? I don’t know. Maybe that was an insult in his mind. He moved to the other corner of the room and left the tea on a little table Food, he wasn’t going to throw it in our faces.

- “Usually you don't, but your carotid tells a different story.”- Spencer started rambling- “I've counted 10 heartbeats in the last 3 seconds. That's about 20% higher than your usual when you're under stress.”- his voice was soft and almost shaky. My husband was nervous and worried. Scared.

- “I know you're only trying to protect me, I get it, but knock it off.”- Morgan nearly yelled, annoyed with his speech- “I just want to know what you've learned.”

- “Seriously, Derek. You know we can’t tell you.”- I sighed and shook my head.- “So don’t take it with us. We are just trying to help.”

- “If you were trying to help you’d tell me what the hell is going on”

- “We are doing our fucking best. That’s what’s going on.”

I know we didn’t plan it, but Spencer and I were doing the old “good cop, bad cop routine.” And I was the bad cop. Again.

- “When you first told me about Savannah, I'd never seen you like that.”- my husband started talking and his voice was still soft and sweet, trying to keep it together. - “The decreased levels of central serotonin in your brain cause intrusive thinking. When I finally saw you guys together, that's when I knew for sure. Your pupils dilated, your posture changed, and I saw you involuntarily reach for her hand. Science confirmed it. You've found the one.”- Morgan stared at him, speechless. - “Do you believe that?”

- “Yes.”- Derek replied, not an inch of hesitation in his voice.

- “Then believe this. Our team loves you, and we are not going to stop until we find whoever did this. But we can only do that with a completely dispassionate and unprejudiced point of view. Paternal instinct is a deadly bias that we just can't risk. It's for your protection, Morgan, I swear.”

- “Ok.” - Derek answered coldly, though you could almost hear the cogs in his brain going a hundred miles an hour.

- “You would do it for us, wouldn’t you?”- I asked him, and Morgan raised both eyebrows- “If we were you and you were us, you would try to keep us away from the information. Try to keep us calm. We did it with Kate when her niece was taken. Hotch and JJ did it for us when he pretended Em was dead. We did it for Garcia when the Dirty Dozen was trying to kill her. We’ve all done it. ‘Cos that’s what families do, they protect each other.”

- “The unsub is a father, isn't he?”- Morgan ignored my speech and looked right into Spencer’s eyes.

- “Why do you say that?”- my husband lied between his teeth as Morgan analyzed every single one of our movements.

- “A paternal instinct is a deadly bias? Those were your exact words.”

- “I meant… we are both fathers…”- Spencer was nearly sweating and I didn’t know how to help him.

- “I know what you meant. But that's what you said.”- Morgan stared at us, and neither of us said another word. So he simply walked away from us.

- “Shit, shit, shit.”- Spencer whispered and closed his eyes.

- “It’s ok, honey. We both knew it wasn’t going to be easy. And we would be the same under these sick circumstances.”

- “I know, I just…”- Spencer bit his lips as tears filled his eyes.- “I wish there was more we could do. He doesn’t deserve this.”

- “Who does?”- I held his hand and gave it a soft squeeze.- “You did well. It’s just hard keeping things from a profiler.”

- “He is my brother. And someone hurt his unborn child and wife. And all I can do is tell him things will be ok.”

- “We can help him, but he has to trust us.”- my phone ended our conversation. It was my mom, which only meant one thing: Raven’s presentation was over. And she knew we weren’t there.

- “Hello?”- I whispered and closed my eyes.

- “Mama…”- it was worse than my mom. It was Raven.

- “Hey there, birdy. How was the recital? Did you have fun?”- Spencer moved closer and I put our daughter on speaker. - “I’m with your dad at work. We are both so sorry we couldn’t be there today, Raven.”

- “Emma says I don’t have a mom or a dad.”- Raven was crying, and my heart broke as soon as I heard her.

- “What? Why?”- I knew Emma, she was three and a half years old, but that night, I wanted to kill that brat. I’m not proud about it.

- “You are never there.”- Raven wept and all I managed to do was hold Spencer’s hand as I turned to him. His tears ran down his face as he tried to get himself together.

- “I’m so sorry, Birdy. But we have to get the bad guys.”- my voice shook at the end of the sentence.

- “Why is it always you? Why can't Uncle Derek do it?”

- “Oh, Birdy”- Spencer mumbled and took a deep breath, trying to get himself together.- “We are helping Uncle Morgan right now get the bad guys.”

- “I just wanted to sing for you.”- Raven kept sobbing. - “Why don’t you love me?”

- “Raven Marie, we love you so much.”- I managed to say before I broke into tears. I hid my face in Spencer’s chest as he continued talking.

- “Your mom and I are very sorry we couldn’t be there today. We promise we’ll make it up to you.”- Raven didn’t reply, instead we heard my mother’s voice on the other side of the line.

- “I’m sorry kids. She wanted to talk to you.”

- “Thank you for taking care of her, Sofia.”- Spencer managed to say. I know he was trying to be strong, but honestly, both our hearts were broken.

- “Frank and Milkey came along. We are having ice cream and then I’m gonna take her home.”

- “We’ll pick her up as soon as we are done here.”- Spencer added.

- “Take care, kids. I know you are doing the best you can. And she will see that when she is old enough.”

- “Thank you, mom.”- I whispered and tried not to sob too hard.- “We’ll call you later, ok?”

- “Sure, peanut. Love you.”- I couldn’t talk anymore. I just broke into tears one more time as Spencer hung up and placed the phone in my pocket.

- “It’s ok, ma cherié”

- “It’s not ok. This is what I always hated about my dad’s job. This is what I swore to myself at ten years old I was never going to put my babies through!”- I sobbed against his sweater, feeling like the worst mother on earth. The sound of Raven’s cries on the other side of the phone had been way too much for me to deal with, especially considering what was going on.

- “This is wrong.”- I murmured and tried to put myself together. - “We don’t have time for this now. Derek needs us.”

- “It’s gonna be ok.” Spencer whispered as he wrapped his arms around me tightly. - “We are not going to miss any more recitals. And she is going to forgive us. She knows we are doing this to help other people.”

- “Spencer, she is about to be four, she doesn’t have to understand this. She needs her dad and mom.”- my husband kissed the top of my head and sighed.

Spencer’s point of view

The night Morgan became a dad was the night I understood he was going to leave us. My wife had pointed it out a few times before that, trying to prepare me for that moment, but I didn’t want to believe it. I thought we were going to be a team forever. But he had a new team. One that was more important than anything else.

It made me feel I was a lousy father for a moment. He was quitting to make sure his wife and kid were alright. It was something I had thought of many times until that day, but I had never found the guts to do it. I couldn’t blame him, though. He had been through hell and back.

Meanwhile, I kept overanalyzing everything that had happened that day, hell was waiting for us when we picked up our kids from Sofia’s house. Raven had refused to sleep and also refused to talk to us. Vinny was fast asleep when (Y/N) held him in her arms and kissed his forehead. Sofia offered us something to eat, but we just wanted to get home and get some rest. It had been an eternal day, and seeing our daughter’s teary eyes and hardened face made it even worse.

- “I don’t wanna.”- she argued right away as I tried to pick her up. Raven kept fidgeting every time my hands tried to reach her.

- “Come on, baby. We have to go home. Don’t you wanna go to bed? We can have a special breakfast tomorrow.”- I offered her, but she hid behind Sofia and started whimpering.

- “No! I don’t love you!”

- “Birdy, you don’t mean that.”- I whispered as I knelt closer to her. She stayed behind Sofia’s legs and refused to even look at me. Her eyes were filled with tears and I could see her struggling to both stay awake and not to cry. It was heartbreaking.

- “Raven Marie, we talked about this.”- Sofia moved and took my daughter in her arms carefully.- “Your mom and dad had to work tonight and they couldn’t go to your recital, but they still love you very much.”

But our daughter ignored my words, (Y/N)’s words, and her grandma’s words. Instead, she decided to give us the silent treatment and ignore us all the way back home.

(Y/N) made us some tea after she put Vinny in his crib, and I was struggling with Raven’s bedtime. She didn’t speak but refused to brush her teeth and put on her pajamas.

- “Birdy, I know you are upset. And you have all the right to be mad at me and your mom.”- I whispered as I sat on her bed and put my hands on her shoulders, trying to make sure she was paying me attention.- “But you have to know your momma and I were helping Uncle Derek. No one is more important than you, but when someone needs our help, we can’t turn our back on them.”

Raven refused to look at me, but at least she got into bed. I read her a short bedtime story, kissed her cheek, and wished her a good night before I left the room.

- “How is she?”- my wife asked as I walked into our room. She was already in bed, sipping her lavender tea.

- “Still angry.”- I untied my tie, left it on a chair, and unbuttoned my shirt before falling on our bed.- “She didn’t say a word.”

- “And she is just three… I don’t wanna think of our lives when our girl is a teenager.”- (Y/N) cut me a short mile, but it was clear she was trying to make lights off of what was happening.

- “I’m glad we still have a few more years until then, ma cheriè.”

We both stayed quiet for a moment. I grabbed the cup of herbal tea my wife had left on my bedside table and took a long sip.

- “Am I a bad mother?”- her whisper broke the silence and made me whip my head immediately.

- “You are not. Of course, you are not.”- I held her hand and kissed it, as tears fell from her cheeks.

- “We broke her heart, and she is three years old.”

- “She will forgive us.”

- “But how do I forgive myself?”- my wife broke into tears and I wrapped my arms around her, sitting her on my lap. I wanted to be strong for her, I wanted to find the right words to make her feel better. But I had nothing, ‘cos honestly, I was feeling very low.

- “Maybe we should quit.”- it was the first time one of us had said it out loud. I froze at her words. I didn’t see it coming. But my wife had been brave enough to say the words that had haunted my mind so many times.

- “Quit?”- I asked, half shocked, half confused. - “Morgan is gonna leave, what will do the team without us?”

- “What will our kids do without us?”

And I didn’t know what to reply to that.

- “Mommy…”- Raven’s voice ended that conversation, or the start of it. She stood at our door holding the stuffed unicorn Mikey had given her.

- “What is it, birdy?”- (Y/N) asked, sitting on our bed, whipping the tears from her face quickly.- “Did you have a bad dream?”

Raven shook her head as she walked slowly toward the bed. Her big brown eyes were filled with tears, and she kept biting her lower lip, the same way her mother always does when she is nervous.

- “Do you wanna sleep with us tonight, birdy?”- (Y/N) whispered and tapped on the bed. Our daughter nodded but didn’t move from the spot she was standing at. My wife stood up and took a few steps until she stood in front of Raven, kneeled, and opened her arms to our daughter, who nearly ran to her and wrapped her arms around her neck, sobbing.

- “I’m sorry mommy”

- “It’s ok, baby. I’m sorry too.”

It was such a moving scene tears fell from my eyes as I stared at my wife and daughter hugging as they lay on our bed. I scooted closer to them and wrapped an arm around them, kissing Raven’s cheek and (Y/N)’s temple.

- “Your mommy and I love you so much.”- I whispered and watched our daughter sob a few times before she fell asleep on (Y/N)’s warm chest.

Neither of us said another word after that. We just laid with her on our bed, Vinny sleeping peacefully on his crib near us. I wanted to put a bubble around us all and never let anything hurt us.

I didn’t know it back then, but the only way I could do that was by quitting the BAU.

The following week, Morgan came back to the BAU for the last time. We all knew he was leaving, Hotch had told us. But it was still hard for all of us to deal with what it meant losing him in our team. In our daily basics.

When we walked to the bullpen’s door, I saw Morgan hugging JJ and I knew what was happening next. I knew he was there to say goodbye. It was going to be our last time there, and I didn’t feel I was ready to face it. So I left (Y/N) standing there alone and ran away to the meeting room.

Chicken much? Yeah, I know. But everyone knows I am not a fan of changes, and that day was especially hard for me. I was losing my brother. It wasn’t just another profiler leaving. It was my best friend we were talking about. And I was happy for him, of course I was. He got everything he ever wanted. It was just hard dealing with the guilt of not being as brave as him and doing the same for my family.

But of course, I wasn’t ready to deal with that truth just yet.

- “I know you hate goodbyes kid. And change.”- Morgan found me and walked into the room, facing the issue upfront. I wasn’t expecting anything less from him. I turned to face him, my eyes already filling with tears, and he cut me a warm smile, knowing how hard it was for me.

- “Hey. It isn't always a bad thing.”- he added- “And you’ve been getting better at dealing with changes. At least with changing diapers.”- I chuckle at those words. I liked the fact we could keep that conversation closer to the fun side because it was too painful to deal with.

- “You are gonna be better.”- I whispered and he smiled.

- “Only ‘cos I learned from the best.”- Morgan added and we both stayed in silence for a few seconds. Everything about saying goodbye to my best friend hurt. So I sighed loudly and finally accepted the truth.

- “I just can't imagine this room without you.”

- “So don't. Don't think about it.”- Morgan quickly answered, still smiling. - “Just know I'm always gonna be by your side. I'm just a phone call away.”

- “I know. Raven won’t let you go either. She loves Sunday brunch with you and Savannah.”- we both smiled for a moment, but tears quickly threatened to fall again.

- “I'm sorry I can't stay.”- Morgan apologized and I shook my head right away.

- “I don't want you to stay.”- I quickly replied thinking I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay either, but I also wasn’t ready to deal with that just yet.- “Because I know why you're leaving and I couldn't be happier for you.”- I simply looked at him with a smile, because I honestly didn’t want him to feel guilty about leaving. Still, his eyes watered up as he took a step closer and grabbed something from his back pocket

- “Listen, we were gonna mail these, but I wanted you to have a birth announcement first.”- he opened the envelope and handed the announcement. I didn’t know what to say or how to react to it. So I just read it out loud, feeling a knot in my throat.

- “Hank Spencer Morgan.”- my voice broke as I stared at the picture of baby Hank in my hands. I couldn’t stop smiling as I looked at it. It was the sweetest gesture. It was more than I deserved. My best friend had named his baby after me. What had I done in life to deserve that much love from him?

- “Yeah. Hank is for my pops. But Spencer is for the best little brother anybody could ever ask for.”- his words were too much, and before I knew it I was sobbing. Morgan wrapped his arms around me and tapped on my back as he whispered.

- “I love you, kid.”

- “I love you.”- I replied knowing he was doing the right thing. It was just too painful to deal with how it felt at the moment. But it was meant to happen.

- “So, look, my little dude, he's gonna need a favorite uncle. To teach him everything he knows about life. And chess.”- Morgan chuckled at his words and I nodded smiling.

- “I can do that.”

- “I know you can.”

- “Which reminds me, I’m gonna need you to teach me how to play soccer, so I can teach Vinny eventually.”- my answer made him laugh.

It was comforting knowing Morgan was leaving the team, but he wasn’t leaving my life. That was a big change. We weren’t going to stop meeting, he wasn’t walking out of my life. He was just taking a step back from work and focusing on his family. The

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[itsphoenix0724]

Meet Me On The Ice (Azriel x Reader)~ Chapter 4

Warnings: none

Word Count: 1.2k

MMOTI Masterlist

A/N: Hi everyone! I just wanted to talk to everyone. ik I've been really noncommittal with this series, but I'm going to keep working on it bc I love it, and I hope you guys continue to love it too <3 I tried to build some insight into why Az doesn't like the reader in this chapter and I hope it came across okay, as always constructive criticism/feedback is welcome!

Disclaimer: DISCLAIMER: I am not a figure skater or a hockey player, so while I'm trying to be as accurate as possible, it's likely some things may not be correct and/or are bent a little to fit the plot!

You could say that a tentative truce was established between the two of you after your night at the arcade. So much so Alis finally permitted you to get out on the ice. 

“Don’t be nervous, the two of you have come leaps and bounds since last week.” She reassures you from her spot on the stands. “We’re gonna start with some basics, and then we work our way up to the lifts just like in the studio.” You shoot Azriel a nervous glare and he tries his best to send you a reassuring look. 

Even though you still feel like you’re walking on eggshells around him, it’s almost nice being around him sometimes.

 Reluctantly, Az has gotten used to your relentless positivity. Even if he can still hear your voice echo in his head sometimes. 

It happened when you were thirteen, and it was a stupid comment he wasn’t even meant to hear. He has tried to put it behind him so many times, but every time he looked at you it popped up in the corner of his mind like a buzzing fly. Reflexively his hands tucked in the pockets of his sweatpants as you skated up to him with your sparkly eyes and sunshiney smile. The version of you from years ago scatters like ash in the wind as Az takes you in, amusement lighting in his eyes as he takes in your hot pink leg warmers. 

“Is this an 80s workout video?” He chuckles and he likes the way your eyebrows furrow in false outrage. 

“For your information, they keep my feet super warm so don’t come crying to me when you’re freezing.” You poke him in the chest and he laughs. It feels nice, he thinks, to simply exist around you without hostility. 

The figure skates still feel tight on his feet, but practice is mostly uneventful after that. Azriel even manages to safely get you off the ground without losing his balance. 

“Great work!” Alis actually seems proud for a moment. “I need you two to stay for a moment so you can try on your costumes.” Azriel looks horrified at the thought of him having to wear leggings, but something cold thaws in his chest when he sees your excitement. You had to throw your old costume away after Lucien’s accident, the fabric was permanently stained red. Az goes first. His costume is simple, a black shirt and leggings with bands of blue around his wrists and chest. You try to put a lid on your bubbling laughter when Az comes out of the changing room, but it still boils over even as Az shoots you a murderous glare. Your dress matches the blue on his costume, with lace cutouts that expose your collar bones, and delicate fabric that flows like water around your upper thighs. The whole thing is delicately studded with blue and silver rhinestones like you wrapped yourself in the night sky. Azriel briefly feels like the air is sucked out of his lungs as he watches you examine yourself in the mirror. 

“Well, what do you think?” You twirl once for effect scattering stardust in your wake. “It’s not so bad is it?” 

“No,” Azriel coughs around a closing throat. “Not bad at all.” You nod, sending him a puzzling look. The two of you change back into your normal clothes and bid Alis goodnight before walking to your cars.

“We’re still on tonight for bowling with Rhys and Cas right?” You ask rocking back on the balls of your feet.

“Absolutely.” He agrees.

“There’s actually something I wanted to ask you about,” You start right before you’re about to split for your cars. Azriel nods at you to continue. “Lucien wanted to know if he could come tonight, he really needs to get out of the house, so he’ll be there too.” 

“Alright.” Az answers “See you later.” he tucks his hands in his hoodie pocket again before walking to his own car. 

₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊

Lucien somehow successfully gets into the passenger seat of your car casted foot and all. You didn’t realize how much you missed him until you were driving around like you always did, singing along badly and loudly to your driving playlist. Eventually, you pull up infront of the bowling alley, bright neon lights bouncing off of the hood of your car. You help Lucien out of the seat, handing him his crutches and slowly walking into the bowling alley. Rhys, Cassian, and Azriel are already inside having claimed a booth and a lane in the back corner. Cas greets you joyfully scooping you up and twirling you around immediately, he also claps Lucien on the shoulder and you’re grateful that at least someone is making an effort to make him feel included. Rhys ordered you nachos and a drink and got Lucien a soft pretzel immediately chatting up a storm about their shared business communication class. Az hasn’t even said hello to you, even though this is supposed to be one of your bonding experiences, he just gave the both of you a noncommittal head nod and shoveled pizza in his mouth. You try not to outwardly sigh because you thought you were making progress, you thought you were past this. 

You thought you were almost friends. 

Attempting to stomp down the flash of hurt you send him a tight-lipped smile and a nod in return. This is Lucien’s first night out since his accident, so you will remain positive for his sake. 

Bowling continues uneventfully after that. Azriel and Cas are seemingly in a heated competition over this bowling match, and you and Rhys are playing much less committedly. Rhys has been flirting with the girl behind the counter for the past fifteen minutes, and you had been half-heartedly throwing your ball down the lane when it was your turn. 

Lucien had been a good cheerleader from his spot in the booth, but you weren’t very concerned about the game, content to sip on the slushy you bought. The two of you are in the middle of a very animated conversation when Cassian calls your name, coming behind you and looping his arms around your shoulders. 

“Are you coming to the victory party this Saturday after the game?” He drawls, glancing at Azriel out of the corner of his eye. “I would invite you to Vanserra, but-” Cassian glances at Lucien’s casted leg but the red-head simply shrugs. 

“No offense taken here.” Lucien raises his hands in mock surrender, “That’s not really my scene anyway.” 

“Well, we are planning on crushing your brothers’ team anyway, too bad Azzy’s still benched.” Cassian croons and Azriel sends him a murderous glare from where he’s about to launch his bowling ball. “You should come, we’ll be drinking on the Smokehound tab anyhow.” It was a sort of unspoken agreement amongst some of the local university hockey teams, losers host an after-party, booze included. 

“I’ll think about it.” You promise, and Cas ruffles your hair before leaving to grab his bowling ball. 

You completely miss the silent daggers Azriel is sending Cassian from behind your back. He doesn’t want you anywhere near this party, and Rhys won’t be too happy about your attendance either. Cas does nothing but chuckles at him with a knowing glint in his eye that sparks his irritation. You look at him once over your shoulder, and you must mistake his glower for being directed at you because for a brief second hurt flashes across your eyes. 

Something pinches in his chest and Azriel can do nothing but shove his hands in his pockets and avert his gaze to the ground.

@sidthedollface2 @bionic-donut @lyinginameadow @feyretopia @natashachelsea @going-through-shit @mika-no-sekai-blog @hijabi-desi-bookworm @brandywineeeee @littlelunelunatic @gorlillaglue25

[cameronspecial]

Hey, I've got this Christmas edition idea featuring Rafe and the reader.

Y/N, despite being surrounded by family, has always felt a sense of loneliness during the holidays. Everyone else seems to bring someone special, leaving her feeling out of place. Struggling with nerves around her family, she longs to feel truly special. Enter Rafe, who not only joins her family's Christmas celebration but also makes her feel included, despite her initial expectation to include him. Rafe senses her anxiety around family gatherings, especially when her dad makes a hurtful comment about her taking too long to find someone. Picture her emerging from the encounter with teary eyes by the poolside

Crazy Christmas

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x Reader

Warnings: Bad Dads

Pronouns: She/Her

Word Count: 0.5K

A/N: Sorry this is so late and it is no longer Christmas.

Masterlist

The holidays were always difficult for her. Now, that she is grown up, her siblings all have their own partners and are starting their own families, leaving her to be the odd one out at family gatherings. This year is going to be different though. She finally has a romantic partner to share Christmas with and it is all thanks to Rafe. She sits by the fireplace with her family, waiting for Rafe to come inside with the gifts they forgot in the car. “I gotta say, Y/N. It’s about time you got a boyfriend. I mean your younger brother got married before you for heaven’s sake. That isn’t how it should go,” Todd Y/L/N criticizes. It doesn’t surprise her that her father said something so critical. He is traditional to a fault and he doesn’t care if he hurts his children with his words. He is the reason why she hates coming home. At that moment, Rafe comes in with the bags of gifts and embarrassment overwhelms her. She didn’t want her boyfriend to witness her dad’s horrible treatment. Needing an escape and wanting to hide her tears, she storms out of the room to the pool outside. She is glad her family insists on spending Christmas at the Florida house. 

The air is warm as she sets herself on the floor with her feet in the water. The sliding door screeches and Rafe joins her at the edge of the pool. Her head rests on his shoulder, “I’m sorry you had to see that.” Some tears drip onto his shirt; he wishes he could poof them away. He wraps his arm around her shoulder and brings her to his side, resting his head on hers. “Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault,” he whispers. “I’m sorry your dad is just as good of a father as mine.” She sighs, her fingers roughly twisting the skin at her bottom knuckle. 

Rafe can practically hear the thoughts running through her head. His fingers lace between the gaps between hers and bring her hands up to his lips. She isn’t surprised by his soft petals. They should be if he uses her lip balm all the time. Her thumb traces his knuckles, “Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to come down here.” “Well, when we get married, we never have to if you don’t want to. We can stay in the OBX and make our own tradition for our own little family,” he promises. Her heart flutters at the future he has imagined for them. She squeezes his hand, “I want that. I want that very much.” He takes the ring on his pinky finger off and slips it onto her left ring finger. “Then marry me. Let’s go to the courthouse and get married,” he suggests, looking at her with hopeful eyes. She laughs, “Rafe, that’s crazy.” He shrugs and stands up. “I guess we’ll just have one crazy Christmas. C’mon, what do you say? Will you marry me?” A wild grin paints itself on her face and she jumps up to wrap her arms around his neck. “Yes! Yes! I’ll marry you. Let’s go right now,” she yells. He holds her hand to guide her back inside so they can go to his car. As she passes her family in the living room, they see the new tears running down her face. And while they assume they are caused by her father, she knows it is because she is excited for the future she is going to have with Rafe. 

Taglist: @winterrrnight @loves0phelia @thelomlisrafecameron @wickedlovely121 @thepatriarchykeychain @drewsmusee @starkowswife @maybankslover @forstarkey @loving-and-dreaming @magicalyoura @rubixgsworld

[bleue-flora]

as much as I like the dsmp story and its message about how there’s a deep down, I can’t help but think about the Bojack horsemen quote about how there’s no deep down and you are the actions you do regardless of someone’s intent or backstory

[context]

I believe you are referring to this quote “That’s the thing. I don’t think I believe in deep down. I kind of think all you are is just the things that you do.” (Which btw yall its real annoying when I have to find whatever the hell you are talking about, no shade just as an aside…<3)

The thing is, both things can be true. Life is about choices, and your every action and inaction has a consequence, (which I think I’ve talked about before but I don’t feel like finding it at the moment). In other words, everything you do impacts the world around you and has lasting effects. You may not know it and are likely very unaware of the consequences (positive and negative). This is because like my post said we are all inherently selfish because we live and see the world from only one view - our own. So yes, you are the actions/“things you do” and choices you make, regardless of the intentions.

At the end of the day, whether you meant to or not, whether you had good intentions or not, if you hurt someone the facts remain the same - you hurt someone. They have a fundemental right to feel hurt and that is always valid, emotions and feelings are always valid, whether it’s logical or makes sense or not. The reason deep down doesn’t change the outcome or the hurt you caused. However, that is about the past action. If you want to learn and grow and form meaningful relationships, avoid conflict… etc. That’s where the deep down comes in. Then it’s important to look at the reasons, not as excuses or justifications but as explanations - a bridge to understanding and shattering our stereotypes, assumptions and judgement.

(Okay, my foot still hurts from you stepping on it, but yeah if it was just an accident then the relationship doesn’t have to just all end over something stupid like it would if I assumed it was intentional.) Yes the impact you make on the world is the sum of what you do and that impact is true regardless if there is a deeper reason behind it. But also, if you only focus on what people do and go no deeper, then you are missing the bigger picture and your relationships will not last long and you are going to live a very lonely and conflictfilled life.

That is why it is important. Not because in the finale of the dsmp Dream’s reveal changes any of his actions, but because it changes our perspective of him and that changes how we act next. Whether we show compassion and empathy or understanding or forgiveness of someone’s actions or run the hell away. (Whether a conflict breaks out over you stomping on my foot so I step on yours back.)

As an engineer, a nerdy metaphor I could use is that it’s kinda like if situations were an equation then the effect and action is the answer (the one side of the =), but sometimes we need to used the other side of the = to solve for x, so we can solve the next equations.

The deep down matters because it should change your action. It matters because in recent years after excusing my behavior because of something or the other, I realized ya know other people might also have a valid reason too. So while my automatic assumption of why they are late to class is that they are lazy, or rude, or don’t care, maybe maybe they actually woke up nauseous and were throwing up which prevented them from being on time, maybe they fainted coming out of the shower, maybe their car wouldn’t start, maybe they had a doctor’s appointment beforehand, maybe there was a car accident making them late, maybe there was a train blocking the road…etc. there are so many reasons, but our mind just jumps to the worst, and we expect grace from others when we are late but wouldn’t give others the same benefit of the doubt. If we had, if instead of judgment and criticism, we checked on them after class to see if they are okay then maybe we learn of their struggle, and maybe they need our help, or maybe we relate and become friends, maybe you share your notes with them, maybe you give them a hug. The deeper meaning changes what you do and like the quote says, what you do is the impact on the world…

[goosewriting]

Peepaw date (rottmnt future!Leo x reader)

we interrupt our scheduled event programming for a quick piece inspired by this drawing of future!leo by @donathan !! i found this prompt “standing still as your lover rubs smudged lipstick/lipstick stains off of your skin, catching them off guard by pressing a kiss against their fingertip” and my brain wouldn’t leave me alone until i wrote this so!! enjoy :’D 

summary: date night with future!Leo where you both have a lil too much wine

relationship: Rise future!Leo x GN reader

warnings: reader is wearing lipstick, mention of alcohol, innuendos?, i’m gonna say 15+ just in case

word count: ~950

(english is not my first language. constructive criticism and grammar corrections are very appreciated!)

– – –

You shake your head, laughing at Leo’s corny joke. As your chuckles subside, you take another sip of the wine, your eyes never leaving his. 

He’s always been handsome, obviously, but right now, with his flushed face and soft gaze, he looks downright irresistible. The glasses, suspenders, and those shirt buttons holding on for dear life are certainly not helping. 

The waitress approaches your table, bringing the dessert you ordered earlier. It’s a parfait meant to be shared. According to the menu it was for two people, but this is way bigger than you imagined.

“Need some help?” Leo asks with a smirk, snatching one of the spoons. “Your eyes were bigger than your stomach again, huh?”

You playfully roll your eyes at him. You were stuffed after the meal, and he knew that, but you weren’t gonna go down without at least trying.

“There is always room for dessert” you retort, scooping up a spoonful of the whipped cream at the top of the tall cup, picking up a strawberry slice as well. “Humans have a second stomach just for dessert, you know. It’s science.”

“No, they don’t” he’s quick to answer, but for a second his eyes narrow at you, questioning your statement even if only a little bit, before shaking his head with a chuckle. You almost had him; even after all these years together, you’d still try to tease him with made-up facts about humans (and turtles alike). It was rare, but sometimes you succeeded in convincing him. Until Donnie intervened, that is.

– – –

Once you’re done with dessert and your drinks are empty, you stand up from your chair, only to realise your legs are wobblier than you’d like. For a moment the room spins around you, and you glare at your wine glass. Maybe you drank a bit more than you should have.

You look up at Leo, and notice that he’s not much better off than you. You giggle at his heavy blush, and when he looks at you, you can’t tell if what you see is the turtle drunk on alcohol or on love. It’s probably a little bit of both, and the thought makes your chest swell with warmth.

After paying, you hook your arm under Leo’s and you walk out of the restaurant. When did it get so late? The sun had long set, and now your path is only illuminated by the street lights and a full moon. You inhale deeply as a fresh breeze hits you, carrying the smell of a cool summer night.

“How about a little walk to sober up before we head back?” Leo suggests, and you agree.

You walk a couple of blocks in comfortable silence until you reach the river and start walking along the railing. Every so often there’s a streetlamp, their glow mixing with the night city lights, reflecting and flickering on the water surface, making your surroundings look almost magical.

Your gaze gets lost in the dark water for a moment, until you’re suddenly pushed closer to it. You squeak in surprise, almost tripping over your own feet, as Leo guides you towards the railing, turns you around and pins you with your back against it.

Amused but also confused, you shoot a look up at him and are met with his signature smirk, but there’s also something else in his eyes as he towers over you. One of his hands holds onto the metal bar behind you, the other reaches up to cup your cheek, and you can feel a new wave of heat spreading on your neck and face, not from the wine this time. Unable to keep his intense gaze, you shyly look away to the side, your own hands creeping up on his chest until you intertwine your fingers behind his neck. All these years, and he still makes you feel like a flustered teen.

“Been wanting to do this all night” Leo whispers as he leans in, capturing your lips in a kiss. You happily reciprocate, tilting your head for a better angle. After lazily making out for a moment, you leave his mouth to trail kisses down his jawline, neck, and then go back to his lips. He swallows your sighs and little moans as things start getting more heated, when he grinds his hip into yours with a low grunt.

That’s when you push him back, both of you slightly out of breath, and he whines that you stopped.

“Leo, you’re drunk” you chuckle and hold his cheek. He leans into your touch. “We both are. Let’s get home and we can pick up where we left off in the morning. How’s that sound?”

Leo grumbles something unintelligible, but you take it as an agreement. He doesn’t move though, and neither do you. Your eyes travel over his handsome face one last time, and when you reach his lips you can’t help but laugh at his state: your lipstick was smeared all over his mouth, chin and neck.

“Hold on a second” you say and try to rub it off to the best of your abilities. You make a mental note to check for a reflective surface somewhere to clean yourself as well, since you probably don’t look much different than him right now. As you’re trying to get a particularly noticeable smudge off his jaw, Leo reaches up to grab your wrist and places a quick kiss to the palm of your hand, his eyes soft and loving. The gesture catches you off-guard, and your cheeks are ablaze again. 

“Leave it” he says, properly taking your hand in his as he pulls you away from the railing and starts walking home. “Let everyone see I’m yours.”

[calissto]

On Writing Every Day

Possibly the most ubiquitous piece of writing advice: write everyday. Write every day or you’re not a writer, your work has no value, you’ll never get good, you’ll never go pro. Maybe I am at a bit of a disadvantage because I’ve never published a book, but I feel like I have some place to question this motion. 

Don’t write every day. Write often.

Because I agree; writing is like a muscle; you must train it. You have to exercise your vocabulary, your voice, your prose — all as often as you can. It’s essential. But you can do all of these things without gluing yourself to the chair each and every day. Some of us just can’t do that — some of us have obligations; a job, school, sickness, or emergencies. Things come up. And some of us just don’t want to. And that’s okay, too. 

I say write often because it’s a promise you can keep. No matter how pressed for time, you can construct a schedule around often. You can stick to that. Practice becomes joyous instead of overwhelming. You will improve without being weighed down by guilt clouding your judgment, adding on to the already compounding series of worries and doubts you have about your identity as a writer anyway. 

Often can look like this: every other day, a few days a week, a few days a month. Often is up to you. It’s a malleable guideline, and that’s why I like it. It’s about constant practice — routinely coming to dance with your writerly spirit without letting it die nor allowing it to overshadow everything else you are. You can be a writer and other things, too. It’s essential you are other things, too, otherwise you pigeonhole yourself and dull any unique perspective you may bring to the vast, ever-broadening literary table. Have something to share with your peers. Something to bestow. Besides, some of us have dreams besides writing we would like to pursue, and we have every right to pursue them. 

I think writing (well) is so demanding we sometimes forget writing is an incredibly forgiving art. It doesn’t usually feel like it. Writing is difficult (because it is everything) and mystifying and capricious. It feels like the most unforgiving art (because it is: it can be forgiving and unforgiving all at the same time, because it is everything). The muse coquettishly woos us one day then sets us on fire the next. You can have amazing ideas and, propelled by the whirlwind it conjures in your mind, sit down to write and hate everything you put down. The inner critic can be restricting, mean, impossible to satisfy. Plots can get dizzyingly convoluted and messy (and sometimes they don’t come at all! Yay!), wips take years and decades to perfect. You can spend hours, days, weeks, months, years in confusion as to what the fuck you’re even meant to be doing in order to make your story work. Just thinking about all this makes me tired. Writing can be grueling.

But it is also forgiving. 

We can take our time. We can fix our stories again and again and again. We can wait until we're ready for the world to see it.

A contradictory mistress, writing is. The truth is your writing hands will not fall off if you choose to take some time off. You do not really forget to write creatively. Oh, you can get rusty, and it can take some time to get your groove back, but the talent you’ve accumulated (and, perhaps, have been born with) does not evaporate out of thin air just because you step away from your word processor. I, myself, have stepped away from writing for large swaths of time only to return just as strong as I was before. If this is indeed a problem for you, I suggest reading more often — just so you can remain close to writing without actually doing it. You can stay familiar and play with language and characters and plotting without actually doing anything— watch essays on movies and characters. Stay engaged. Don’t feel like your talents will be irrevocably blunted by a break, no matter how long it is.

I often think writers are their own jailers, while other writers you associate with and look up to can function as fellow wardens; what exactly is gonna happen if you don’t write everyday? I’ve come to really detest writing “rules.” There are no rules — they aren’t even rules to be broken. There are guidelines and things that have worked in the past. The trick is to learn what has worked for others, why, and what works for you. Mix and match at your own discretion. The life of a writer is often a solitary, lonesome affair. Not just because you do it yourself, but because you are your own god; a huge part of being a writer is fashioning things for yourself, coming up with your own rules, if you dare to call them as such. You conjure up worlds for your own amusement. So, the way we find ourselves chained to the so-called rules and those who espouse them has become kinda hilarious to me.

Also, go ahead and accept this: a lot of what defines good writing is completely out of your hands. What is popular and lauded as a masterpiece today may be rejected and ignored tomorrow. There are principles to help you bridge the gap of generations — compelling characters, thoughtful plotting, and, oh, idk, basic understanding of storytelling elements etc, but we all will have our own personal talents as writers. Rest assured, you’ll be an acquired taste, so go ahead and study your own talents and strengths as a word person. What are the things you love about writing? What do you like to zero in on? What do you look forward to? Focus on those things, and just try to have a basic grasp of other, essential things.

The point is this: if writing really is that important to you, it will be in your life somehow. You won’t have to make room so much as it will wedge itself into one of the movie theater seats in your mind. Your mind will wander to your wips. You’ll think of your characters at random times. You’ll picture your settings and scenes will just randomly come to you. Don’t worry about it so much! Write often, stay engaged, but if you need a break, take one.

[starskq]

THERE FOR YOU / K.M

Pairing ◊ idol!reader x idol!minjae

Genre ◊ established relationship, fluff, slight angst

Warnings ◊ talk about a form of anorexia and burning out 

Word count ◊ 2,7k 

Summary ◊ Your group was having a comeback in a few weeks, and you were beyond stressed. Adding to your stress, your boyfriend Minjae was in the middle of the promotions for Xikers’ new album. You always made your relationship work, but not this time. You were under so much pressure that you passed out during practice. 

a/n ◊ Just something that was in the back of my head. Hope you enjoy!

You sat on your bed, your laptop propped open, and your face illuminated by the soft glow of he screen. Your group’s comeback was just a few weeks away, and the pressure was mounting. You glanced at the clock: 11:47 pm. You were waiting for Minjae to call. He had promised to video call you after finishing his practice. You had been crazy busy lately, juggling your schedules and trying to maintain your relationship in secret. 

The screen lit up with an incoming call. You quickly accepted, and Minjae’s tired but smiley face appeared. He looked exhausted, his hair damp with water, and you felt a pang of guilt for adding to his stress, a feeling that was becoming all too familiar. 

‘’Hey,’’ he said, managing a small smile. 

‘’Hey,’’ you replied, trying to sound cheerful despite being tired. ‘’How was rehearsal?’’ 

‘’Exhausting,’’ he sighed, running a hand through his hair. ‘’We keep going over the same parts over and over again. I think we’re all at our breaking point.’’ 

You nodded, understanding the feeling all too well. ‘’I get it. We had to redo our entire choreography three times today; I feel like my brain’s gonna explode. Nothing’s ever perfect enough.’’ 

Minjae leaned back, his frustration evident. ‘’I don’t know why they keep pushing us so hard. It’s not like we’re machines.’’ 

You bit your lip, hesitating before speaking. ‘’Well, maybe if you weren’t always so hard on yourself, it maybe wouldn’t feel that way.’’ 

His eyes narrowed slightly, his eyebrow rising. ‘’What’s that supposed to mean?’’ 

‘’Just that you push yourself too hard sometimes,’’ you explained, your voice softening. ‘’You don’t have to be perfect all the time.’’ 

‘’And you’re the one talking,’’ he scoffed coldly. ‘’You know I have to be though. You don’t understand half of the pressure I’m under.’’ 

You felt your frustration rising. ‘’Don’t act like you’re the only one under pressure. I’m dealing with my own stress too, Minjae.’’ 

He scoffed again, his voice filled with frustration. ‘’Yeah, but at least your group already made their marks. You’re not getting compared to every other rookie group out there.’’ 

His words hurt you a little. Yes, your group debuted three years ago, but that did not mean you were not compared to every other group out there. Your eyes flashed with anger. ‘’And you think it's easy for me? We're constantly being criticized for our looks, our voices, everything. Don't belittle my struggles.’’

He sighed and rubbed his temples, closing his eyes. ‘’I'm not belittling you. I just...I don't know, y/n. Everything's piling up, and I don't know how to deal with it.’’

You felt a lump in your throat. ‘’It kinda feels like we're just taking our frustrations out on each other right now.’’ 

"Maybe we are,’’ Minjae admitted, his voice low.’’Maybe it's too much to handle right now.’’ 

You felt tears pricking at the corners of your eyes, but you refused to let them fall. You looked away quickly, trying to regain your composure. ‘’Look, it’s late. I should probably sleep. Long day tomorrow.’’ 

He nodded slowly, his face tense. ‘’That’s probably a good idea. Goodnight, y/n’’ 

‘’Goodnight.’’ 

The screen went dark as the call ended. You stared at your reflection on the black screen, feeling sadness and relief. You looked at the time; it was already late, and you knew you wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight. You sighed heavily, rubbing your face with your hands. Your eyes were filled with tears, and you shook your head, hoping it would make them go away. 

Morning came fast, and you only slept an hour. It’s you who seem to be aligning at the moment. Your days had become a blur of rehearsals, no sleep, and barely any food. The pressure to look and perform perfectly weighed heavily on you. You skipped meals, surviving on water, an occasional piece of fruit, and vitamins, convinced you needed to stay as thin as possible. Today was no exception. The dance studio was filled with your comeback track blaring through the speakers. 

You glanced at your phone for the hundredth time today, but still no message from Minjae. You knew he was busy, but it still made you sad. You felt alone. You threw your phone across the room, and it landed on the little couch in the corner of the studio. The choreography started again, and you were at the center; your movements were shared, but your face showed exhaustion. Your group members, Hana, Jiwoo, and Mina, exchanged worried glances as they watched you push through the choreography. 

‘’Y/n, you need to take a break,’’ Hana called out during a brief pause in the music. ‘’You’ve been going nonstop.’’ 

‘’I’m fine,’’ you insisted, your voice strained. ‘’Let’s just do it one more time.’’ 

Jiwoo, the leader of your group, stepped forward, concern etched on her face. ‘’You don’t look fine. You’re pale, and you look like you’re about to pass out.’’ 

‘’I’m just a bit tired,’’ you said, brushing off their worries. ‘’We need to be perfect.’’ 

Mina, the eldest, put a hand on your shoulder. ‘’You know, pushing yourself this hard isn’t gonna help. When was the last time you’ve had a proper meal or a proper night’s sleep.’’

You shook your head, your vision blurring slightly as you did. ‘’I can’t afford to gain weight before the comeback.’’

You stepped back into position, determined to get through the routine again. The music started again, and you threw yourself into the dance, your movement increasingly unsteady. As you reached the final chorus, you felt a wave of dizziness wash over you, but you pushed through. The world around began to spin, the studio lights blurring into one another. Your breath came in short, labored gasps, and your limbs felt heavy. As you hit the final pose, your vision went black, and you fell onto the floor. 

‘’Y/n!’’ Hana screamed as she saw you collapsed to the floor. 

The music was cut off abruptly, and the member rushed to your side. You lay on the ground, unconscious and very pale. Mina frantically checked your pulse while Jiwoo classed for an ambulance. 

‘’She’s not waking up,’’ Mina said, her voice shaking. 

Jiwoo spoke urgently into her phone, explaining the situation to the emergency operator. Minutes felt like hours as they waited for the paramedics to arrive. Hana held your hand, tears streaming down her face. ‘’Please wake up. Please be okay.’’ 

When the paramedics arrived, they quickly assessed your condition. You were severely dehydrated and exhausted. They placed an oxygen mat over your face and prepared to lift you onto a stretcher. 

The members watched in helpless fear as you were carried away. They followed the ambulance in a different car, their hearts heavy with worry and guilt. They had seen the signs but couldn’t convince you to take better care of yourself. 

The girls were pacing back and forth in the waiting room as the doctors took you to run some tests. Hana was sitting in one of the metal chairs, her head in her hands, and Mina and JIwoo were walking back and forth. Each passing minute felt like an eternity as they anxiously waited for updates. 

‘’We should call Minjae,’’ Hana said, her voice trembling. ‘’He deserves to know what’s happening.’’ 

Mina shook her head, her eyes red from crying. ‘’He’s in the middle of a recording for a music show. We can’t disrupt him. ‘’

Jiwoo stopped and turned to face them. ‘’She’s his girlfriend. He needs to know. I don’t care if he’s recording.’’ 

‘’But what if it affects his performance?’’ Mina argued. ‘’He’s already under so much pressure.’’ 

Hana sighed, her frustration evident. ‘’This isn’t about his performance; this is about y/n. He should at least know what’s going on. Wouldn’t you like to know if something similar happened to Sunwoo?’’ 

Mina’s lips parted as she was going to answer, but the mention of her boyfriend made her stop. The argument continued, their voices rising in the silent room. Finally, Jiwoo raised her hands in surrender. ‘’Enough. I’m going to call him.’’ 

She retreated to a quiet corner of the waiting area, shaking her hands as she dialed Mine’s number. She took a deep breath as she heard the ringtone, praying he would pick up quickly. 

‘’Hello?’’ Minjae’s voice came through the phone, tired but surprised. Y/n’s member never called him unless it was something important. 

‘’Minjae, it’s Jiwoo,’’ she said, her voice breaking. ‘’It’s y/n, she’s… we’re in the hospital right now.’’ 

There was a brief pause before Mine’s tone changed to one of worry. ‘’What happened? Is she okay? Is she hurt?’’ 

‘’She… she collapsed during practice,’’ Jiwoo explained, her voice strained as the tears threatened to come out. ‘’She’s been pushing herself way too hard. Not eating, not sleeping… We’re waiting for updates, but apparently, she is extremely dehydrated and exhausted.’’ 

His heart sank as tears welled up in his eyes. ‘’Oh my god…’’ he said, his voice breaking. ‘’I’m leaving right now.’’ 

‘’Minjae, you’re in the middle of recording,’’ Jiwoo said, her voice gentle but firm. ‘’Finish your performance first, please. We can’t have you run away like that.’’ 

He shook his head as if she could see him, his voice filled with frustration. ‘’I can’t just stay here while she’s in the hospital.’’ 

Jiwoo tried to reassure him. ‘’We’ll be here with her, and I’ll text you if we have any updates. Just come as soon as you can, okay?’’ 

He sighed heavily. ‘’Okay. If she wakes up, tell her I love her. I’ll be there as soon as I’m done. We only have two cuts left to shoot.’’ 

As soon as the call ended, his focus was shattered. His group members noticed his distress immediately. Sumin, one of his closest friends and fellow members, approached him. 

‘’Hyung, everything okay? What’s wrong?’’ He asked, concern evident in his voice. 

‘’It’s y/n,’’ he replied, his voice strained. ‘’She collapsed during practice today. She’s in the hospital.’’ 

Sumin’s lips parted in shock. ‘’Oh my god, is she okay?’’ 

He bit his lips, trying to prevent a tear from slipping away from his eyes. ‘’The girls are waiting for an update. I don’t know.’’ 

He gently patted Minjae’s shoulder as support. The recording session dragged on painfully, each second feeling like an hour to Minjae. He pushed through the performance, his mind elsewhere, and his movements mechanical. Xikers’ member did their best to support him, but the worry was also evident on their faces. 

As soon as the final cut was called, Minjae didn’t bother to change out of his stage outfit or anything. He exited the studio and hopped in a taxi, giving the hospital’s address. He did not even take his bag or phone; he was too worried to think about anything other than coming to the hospital to be there for you. 

He busted into the hospital, still in his stage outfit, makeup smudged from sweat and worry. He found your members in the waiting room, their faces lighting up with relief as they saw him. 

‘’Minjae!’’ Hana exclaimed, rushing to him. 

‘’How is she?’’ He said, panting. 

‘’They’re still running some tests. We don’t have any information.’’ Jiwoo said, trying to keep her calm, but her eyes were puffy and red. 

Minjae nodded. ‘’What happened?’’ 

Jiwoo sighed, guilt evident in her voice. ‘’She’s been pushing herself too hard, practicing too hard. We tried to get her to slow down, but she wouldn’t listen.’’ 

He clenched his fists, anger mixing with his worry. ‘’You should’ve told me. I should’ve been there for her.’’ 

Hana placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. ‘’We all missed the signs. We didn’t realize how bad it was until now.’’

‘’And we had that stupid fight yesterday,’’ he said, more to himself, his voice a mere whisper. He ran his hand on his face. ‘’I should’ve been more understanding.’’ The guilt gnawed at him.

A tall man walked towards them, his expression serious. ‘’Hello, I’m Dr. Yoon,’’ he said, his voice serious. ‘’You’re y/n’s relatives, correct?’’ They all nodded. They all felt their heart race as they prepared themselves for the news. ‘’She is suffering from severe exhaustion, dehydration, and malnutrition.’’ He explained. ‘’Her body has been pushed beyond its limits, but she is stable now and responding to treatment, so that’s good news. She’ll need a lot of rest, paper nutrition, and time to recover fully.’’ 

‘’Can we see her?’’ Minjae asked, his voice barely above a whisper. 

‘’You, you can go in,’’ the doctor replied. ‘’She’s still sleeping, and letting her rest is important. You can one by one.’’ 

Minjae looked at your members, who nodded at him, saying he should go first. He nodded, feeling a mixture of relief and worry. He followed the doctors into your room, his heart racing as he saw you lying there, pale and fragile. He gently took your hand, feeling the warmth of your skin against his. 

He sat down beside her bed, his fingers slightly brushing your hair. Tears moistened his eyes, and he felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. He had been so caught up in his stress that he hadn’t seen the signs. He hadn’t been there for you when you needed him the most. 

‘’I’m so sorry, my love.’’ He whispered, his voice choked with emotion. ‘’I should have been there for you.’’ 

Ten minutes passed, and he watched you breathe, waiting for any sign that you were waking up. Finally, your eyes fluttered open, and you looked around, disoriented. He quickly regained his composure. 

‘’Y/n.’’ He said softly, trying to form a smile somehow. ‘’Hey there, sleepyhead.’’ 

You blinked, your eyes focusing on him. ‘’Minjae? What happened?’’ 

‘’You collapsed during practice,’’ he explained gently, trying to keep his voice steady. ‘’You’ve been pushing yourself too hard. The doctors said you to rest.’’ 

‘’Oh my god,’’ you said, tears welling up in your eyes. ‘’Fuck, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.’’ 

He smiled, though his eyes glistened with tears, and shook his head. ‘’You sure scared me. But what’s important now is that you’re okay. And you better believe I’m going to make sure you take care of yourself from now on,’’ he leaned closer, kissing your forehead softly. ‘’You know, you don’t always have to be perfect. You’re already perfect to me, love.’’ 

You managed a small smile, your hand squeezing his. ‘’Thank you for being here.’’

‘’Where else would I be ?’’ He replied, his tone playful. You’re stuck with me now, whether you like it or not.’’ 

You glanced at him, eyes widening slightly. ‘’Why are you in your stage outfit?’’ 

He chuckled, brushing off her concern. ‘’Don’t worry about that right now. Just focus on getting better.’’ 

‘'No, really,’’ you insisted. ‘’Tell me why.’’

He sighed, relenting. ‘’ I rushed here right after my recording. I didn't even change. I just had to make sure you were okay.’’

Your eyes softened, tears welling up again. ‘’I'm so sorry for making you worry. And we had that stupid fight yesterday…’’

Minjae shook his head, gently placing a hand on your head. "Shh, let's not think about that. What's important is that you're going to be okay. We'll talk about everything else later.’’ He smiled, looking at you. He gently scolded you, trying to keep the mood light. ‘’And no more skipping meals or staying up all night, okay? I want you to be healthy and happy. Understood?’’ 

‘’Yes, sir,’’ you slightly chuckled, your voice weak. ‘’I promise.’’ 

Minjae chuckled, the sound warm and comforting. ‘’Good. Because if you don't, I'll have to call you by all those embarrassing pet names you hate in front of everyone.’’

You laughed softly, the sound like music to his ears. ‘’Alright, alright. No more pushing myself too hard.’’

"That's my girl," Minjae said, his heart swelling with love. He stayed by her side, holding your hand. For the rest of the day, he never left your side? He watched you as you slept, making sure you were comfortable and did not need anything, and when you woke up, he was there, ready with a smile and gentle words. He promised himself he would never leave your side and always be there for you from now on. 

[dnpanimationstudioclone]

Rewrite Ideas for Lila Rossi

I know there’s been a lot of criticism about Lila’s lies and how Marinette’s friends and other people trust Lila’s word over hers, especially Alya her best friend and journalist. What if Lila wasn’t just more careful with her lies(telling more believable lies with fake proof or atleast have benefit of the doubt, more cautious about threats and frame ups), but instead of telling negative lies about someone people should know better about, she instead uses already known truths against them. Does still manipulate certain things but also make those are unto her or see as a threat, dig their own graves, expose their own issues.  Ex, Like how Lila made Aya think the issue was just Marinette having a crush on Adrien and being jealous.

I think it would’ve worked more if Lila actually played into this more. Not just using Marinette’s crush on Adrien but her and the other’s biggest flaws(overthinking things, insecurity, digging herself deeper into her problems, etc) Using their issues and past mistakes to manipulate things in her benefit or atleast make people consider past issues that would make people have to also consider.

Marinette if she decided to just come out and say why she doesn’t trust Lila when she comes back as a new classmate, similar to when she talked to Alya and Nino.

Lila-I really dont get where all this skepticism’s coming from. I was only here one day and I don’t think we even got to meet, let alone talk, so how could you know anything I did-

Marinette-BECAUSE I FOLLOWED YOU!

Class-What!?

Lila-I’m sorry, what?😈

Marinette-I said I…oh boy. Realizes how bad that sounds and can’t really tell them the stuff she’d have to known as Ladybug.

Adrien-Wait I don’t get it, why follow us?

Class knowing Marinette’s huge crush on Adrien and the crazy things she has done involving him-…nervous coughs.

Ayla who also knows this and who Marinette told she was gonna follow them-Oh boy.

Later

Ayla-Listen Lila I’m really sorry, I should’ve stopped her. Are you gonna bring this up with the teachers?

Lila- Hey, don’t worry about it. I mean you’re her friend, not her mom, it’s not your responsibility to watch what she’s up to. I’m just happy this was simply because she likes Adrien and not because she really thinks I’m some “evil manipulative mastermind”, this doesn’t feel like anything I need to involve a teacher with, not like anyone got really hurt. I’ll be honest I have a problem sometimes being fully honest, I may exaggerate or tell a few white lies just simply to fit in, I’m not trying to hurt anyone. But seriously, we've only hung out like only a few times, he really is just a friend to me at this point. I’m sorry for all the trouble.

Alya- Don’t worry about it, honestly this isn’t really ur fault.

Lila-Well thanks and seriously, this isn’t really your fault either. Alya- Thank you. Still, maybe I should’ve been more concerned.

Lila- I mean these things happen, We’re teens, sometimes we might let our hormones get the better of us but I doubt this stuff happen all the time, she seems like a good person. Besides if she did do something that really crossed the line, as her best friend, I’m sure you def would call her out or atleast make it clear u don’t support it, right?

Ayla-…

Lila-Do you think I should talk to Marinette?

Alya- No, no don’t worry about that. Maybe I should though.

Lila-Yeah, I’m sure you’re right. she’d probably listen better to a friend anyway 😈

and doesn’t just do this kinda stuff with Marinette but can pit the whole class against eachother If she plays the cards right, full on Mean Girls Watch The World Burn🔥🔥🔥. All while, looking completely inconspicuous and whatever she could’ve done would be seen as simply indirect or unintentional and certainly no way she could’ve known it would lead to such an outcome…right?

Lila-As such a great designer Marinette, I’d figure you’d understand that rather try to make something completely new, better to make the best out of the materials you already have! And there is just so much to work with, especially with you😈

And rather Marinette not trying to expose her because of Adrien's advice but rather her own self doubt. “What if I really am just jealous and overthinking this whole thing”, “I technically was in the wrong first for following them, granted I had to for the book but I didn’t know that at first”, “what if I make things worse and Alya…won’t be my friend anymore”…”she’s probably right, maybe Lila’s just harmless and it really is all in my head”…”maybe it is just me”.

I just like antagonists who make the protagonists consider their own moral character and actions, if they’re really as good as they think they are. Even if they’re manipulative liars who are trying to be dishonest, there’s always that certain part of what they say that can’t be fully brushed off as entirely wrong, sometimes even being the ones to call out the protagonists’s less moral actions and mistakes.  And I think Lila could’ve really had that sort of potential with Marinette. For better or for worse, her impact could make Marinette reflect on herself.

Lila-You’re the type of person who sees themselves as the hero in their own story and that everything you do is right, but truth is you can just as easily be the villain! You think my lies are bad? Half of what I say is just calling you out on your own mistakes. You just can’t handle the TRUTH!😈

what do u think? How’d u wanna rewrite Lila? I’d love to know💖

[its-jaytothemee]

A Burden Shared - Part I: The Fight (1/2)

Pairings: Astarion x Tav, Halsin x Tav, Astarion x Tav x Halsin

Word count: 2,645; Tav and Astarion POVs

Rating: Explicit, 18+

Read on AO3

Next

Summary: A group sparring session turns sour, and Astarion becomes very protective of Tav. Halsin goes to comfort Tav afterwards and ends up confessing some feelings he's had for a while now.

Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Eventual Smut, Feelings Confessions, Spoilers for Act 3, Sparring, Protective Astarion, Soft Halsin, Tav needs a fucking hug.

Author's Note: The tadfools get a filler episode. No explicit material yet, but will be present in a later chapter. Part 1 is finished, hopefully part 2 can be uploaded sometime in the next week or so. Will switch between a few character POVs, for now I only have Tav and Astarion. Enjoy! :)

The city was in far worse shape than Tav could have imagined. They arrived in Rivington to find the town overflowing with refugees, learned of Gortash’s impending coronation, and learned that Duke Belynne Stelmane had been murdered. They also found out that Orin was a shapeshifter, capable of taking on the appearance of anyone she wished. Doppelgangers had infiltrated Jaheira’s squad of Harpers, and to add salt to their wounds, Raphael was lurking around Wyrm’s Crossing trying to tempt them into a deal for the Orphic Hammer. They had arrived at the city gates a day and a half ago, and still had no suitable way to get into the lower city.

At the Emperor’s insistence, they all headed to camp early even though it was barely midday. Given the state of the city, they realized that they needed time to re-evaluate their plan of attack. Tav was still unsure of how much trust they could place in the Emperor, but she could feel it mirroring her own anxiety around their surroundings. They trudged back through the muddy roads of Rivington, making their way to their camp on the outskirts of town. An ethereal voice glided into their thoughts.

“I need time to reconsider our approach. Stelmane’s death does not…bode well. Take the time to rest, it is hard to tell when you will be afforded another opportunity to do so.” The Emperor’s voice disappeared from their minds as quickly as it came.

“So, what now? We just go lounge around at camp? Drink wine and not kill anything?” Astarion asked with his typical melodramatic flair.

“We could go back to the circus!” Karlach yelled, running up and throwing an arm around Tav’s shoulders.

“I am not taking any chances of running into more murderous clowns, Karlach.” Astarion shot back, jumping to the other side of Tav and looping his arm through hers.

“I never even got to get my face painted.” Karlach pouted.

“Chk.” Lae’zel was trailing behind the three of them, a sour look on her face “We waste time ‘resting’ when we have no wounds that need healing and our minds are still sharp. We should press on into the city.” She had been particularly critical of Tav lately, their time in the Astral Prism didn’t help with that.

“Easy Lae’zel,” Jaheira chimed in, “if we try to force our way into the city right now, we could attract the wrong kind of attention. I recommend caution.”

“Let’s just head back to camp. We should catch the others up on what we’ve found, and I don’t think we’ll be getting into the lower city right now with Gortash’s coronation so close.” Tav decided.

She was still unsure why they all looked to her for these types of decisions. Ever since they crashed on that beach, she was assumed to be the default leader. Tav had been doing her best to keep this unlikely group of companions together. It helped that they were all really quite fond of one another now. Only a few real fights had broken out amongst their ranks, most of them stemming from varying states of exhaustion and were fixed by a good night’s sleep. With each new ally they recruited, her imaginary authority grew. Even with the addition of Halsin and Jaheira, two wise leaders experienced years beyond Tav, they still looked to her for guidance. To make things worse, it wasn’t even just her camp of companions that was looking up to her. So many of those they had met on their journey here talked about how she was the hero who would save Baldur’s Gate, the hero who would save them all.

But now they had finally reached their destination. Home. Tav was trying to maintain her composure, but she was starting to panic. This was a big city, and they had ticking time bombs in their heads threatening them more and more each day. If they didn’t find out how to take out Orin and Gortash, she doubted the small artefact she carried would still be enough to protect them when an elder brain was unleashed onto the city.

Her brow furrowed as she concentrated, trying to piece together any plan that could get them closer to getting these tadpoles out of their heads. She had some old friends in the City Watch, maybe they could tell her if anything strange had been happening. But there was always a chance that they were loyal to the Absolute as well. She had a contact in the Thieves Guild but would prefer to use them as a last resort only.

“Tav? Tav?”

Astarion’s voice startled her out of her thoughts.

“Hm? Sorry, what were you saying?” She shook her head slightly, trying to bring herself back to the present.

“Just making sure you were still there, darling. You seem…distracted lately.” He smiled softly at her.

“Ah, just the fatigue of a hero. I guess.” She joked, trying to keep the mood light. If they needed her to be a leader, she didn’t want to burden anyone with her worries.

“Now you see why I prefer skulking in the shadows over basking in the spotlight.” He still had his arm looped around hers.

“Well, it’s not like you had much of a choice between shadows and light before, my love.” She teased, leaning into him.

Astarion was about to make a quip in response when they were spotted by Gale at the edge of their new camp.

“You’re all back rather early, that’s not usually a good sign.” Gale’s chipper voice called to them.

“We ran into some unexpected complications.” Tav replied. “We may need a new plan for getting into the city. Wyrm’s Crossing is crawling with Flaming Fist loyal to Gortash. Not to mention all of the murders and the fact that the cult of Bhaal has apparently recruited every shapeshifter in the godsdamned realms.” Her frustration was creeping into her tone. When she looked around, everyone was looking at her again. She let out a small sigh.

“Let’s get everyone gathered, see what we can come up with.”

As everyone gathered in the middle of the camp, Tav debriefed the rest of the group on what they saw in Rivington and Wyrm’s Crossing. Jaheira detailed the encounter at the Harper safehouse, also telling everyone about her search for Minsc of Rashemar. They discussed the multiple murders that included Duke Stelmane. The topic of Raphael was a short one, as pretty much everyone agreed that they should have no dealings with the devil. Finally, Orin was the point of discussion. Bhaal’s bloodthirsty chosen had already proven to be a complication. She could change shape in the blink of an eye, which meant she could be anywhere. Tav tried to listen as everyone talked around her and over each other. She rubbed her heavy eyes, trying to convince the headache she felt coming on to stay away.

“So then, what’s our next step?” Wyll’s voice piped up as everyone finally started to quiet down.

When Tav looked up, she realized all eyes were on her again. She looked around the camp at the tired faces, all waiting for her to tell them what to do. And she had absolutely no idea what that was.

“We uh,” She started, trying to search through the fog clouding her brain, “we need to find a way into the lower city first and foremost. Maybe we can con our way into Gortash’s coronation.”

“What good will it do us to attend a ceremony that is so obviously a farce?” Lae’zel’s commanding voice countered. “We don’t have time to play the political games of your realm. We must press forward into the city as soon as possible.” Her yellow eyes were fixed on Tav.

“The Emperor needs time to figure out how we can get the other two Netherstones. If we just – ” Tav was cut off by Lae’zel.

“I will not wait around to be given orders by a ghaik.” Her tone told Tav that this was not a topic she was willing to discuss.

“What would you have us do Lae’zel? Fight our way through the entire city?” She could hear the exhaustion seeping into her voice. “You saw one of those Steel Watchers, the city is supposedly crawling with them. We’d be lucky if we made it to the Elfsong Tavern."

“Tav is right.” Jaheira spoke up next. “We need to find our way into the city…quietly.” She looked at Lae’zel.

“Chk” Is the only sound they heard in response.

“Why don’t we all just take a rest today?” Tav suggested. “Gods know it’s been long enough since we’ve had more than an hour to relax.”

There were some mumbled sounds of approval, and everyone sort of shuffled off towards different areas of camp. With her small crowd dispersing, Tav finally felt like she could breathe.

“You should take your own advice.” A deep voice called from behind her.

Tav looked over her shoulder to see Halsin leaning against a barrel. She smiled weakly and walked over to him.

“That’s funny, I could have sworn I told you the same thing all those nights ago after the goblin camp.” She teased. He smiled at that, causing her heart rate to pick up a bit.

“Ah, yes. I’m afraid my mind was still rather clouded back then.” He looked back out over the camp. “You’re exhausted, Tav. I see the fatigue in your eyes, I hear the strain in your voice.” His voice was much softer now.

“I don’t have much of a choice, Halsin. Everyone here is looking to me for answers. Answers that I just don’t have.” She was once again aware of the headache trying to force its way into her eyes.

“Here, I have something for you.” He held out a small potion vial. “This will help keep those headaches away.”

She took the vial and immediately downed the whole thing. It had a very strong herbal flavor, the initial bitter notes faded into a sweet aftertaste. She could already feel the small ache starting to fade causing her to let out a sigh of relief.

“Thanks.” She smiled at him.

“Anytime.” He said with a nod of his head. Before he turned to leave, he gave her one last lingering look, causing her to blush slightly.

Tav watched him walk away, the soft breeze was blowing his hair around his ears. She admired the shape of his arms, suddenly finding herself wondering what it would feel like to be caught between them. Her eyes continued to wander further down his body, taking in the shape of his hips and thighs. Another thought took over her mind as she imagined digging her hands into his thighs, slowly making their way back to his backside, how it would feel to be pressed against his–

She felt her face redden at the thought and snapped herself out of her fantasy. A huge wave of guilt crashed into her as her eyes landed on Astarion. She would be lying if she said she wasn’t feeling a little…pent up since their time around Moonrise. For the most part, it didn’t bother her much, just in moments like this when she was feeling particularly overwhelmed. Regardless, it was worth the frustration if it made him feel comfortable. She had noticed such a change in him over the last tenday or so. He seemed so much more relaxed than when she first met him, actually taking the time to rest at night rather than prowling around the camp. His nightmares seemed to be fewer and further in between. Her desires were nothing compared to watching him peacefully enter a trance while laying in her arms each night.

He caught her staring and flashed his devious little grin at her, not helping her contain herself. All she was able to manage in return was a tired smile. She walked over to him and slowly slid her arms around his waist, planting a soft kiss on his cheek.

“Hello, darling. What was that for?” He hugged her to his side.

“Do I need a reason?” She responded, trying to hide the shame still swirling around inside of her.

She stood there holding him for a few moments, listening to his soft breathing.

“Are you…alright?” He asked her, concern apparent in his voice.

“Of course.” She lied. “Seeing the city in this state is just…overwhelming.” She looked up at him and tried to flash a reassuring smile.

He eyed her in return, obviously suspicious.

“I’m fine, love. Really.” She was trying to convince herself as she said the words.

“I…I want to be here for you, my dear. Like you have been for me.” His voice softened.

“I know…” She whispered back. “And you have been.” She was telling the truth. Just having Astarion around her did make her feel better. She just couldn’t bring herself to admit to him that she was struggling. And she definitely didn’t want him to know about her…other frustrations. He was just starting to open up and trust her, she couldn’t bear the thought of him pushing himself too far on her behalf.

“Hey! Lovebirds!” Karlach yelled at them. “Those weapons looks like they could use a good sharpening.” She was holding her own weapon over her head to show them.

Tav let go of Astarion’s waist and picked up her sword.

“Come on, let’s at least take a chance to fix up some of our gear.” She helped Astarion gather up some other weapons and brought them over by the rest of their group.

***

Astarion had come to enjoy the smell of the oils they used to condition their armor. The sound of scraping whetstones filled the air around them, an oddly comforting sound now. Everyone in camp was sitting in a circle of sorts, tending to their weapons and other equipment. Tav was sitting next to him, cleaning dried blood and Gods know what else off of her large sword. Astarion knew something had Tav feeling down, but she wouldn’t way what it was. He didn’t want to push her, he knew that she would talk to him when she was ready. But he wanted to at least try to cheer her up a little bit. Give her a small confidence boost, maybe.

“Tell me, darling,” Astarion started, taking on a flirty tone, “are you really proficient with any type of weapon?”

“Ewww. Keep it in your pants, Fangs.” Karlach called from the other side of the circle.

Tav laughed in response. “Maybe not any weapon. I definitely favor my greatswords and greataxes, but I suppose I can make do with just about anything. My instructor was adamant that a true fighter shouldn’t rely on only one skill. You never know when you’ll be disarmed in a fight.” She shot a teasing look back at him.

“Ugh, it was one time. Honestly Tav, you act as if no one has ever made you drop a weapon.” He had his hand on his chest, feigning offense. 

“Hard to disarm me when they’re knocked to the ground.” She smirked.

“Feeling cocky today, are we?” He raised an eyebrow at her, and she gave him a playful grin. “Maybe the others would be interested in a little sparring session then?” She was still smiling back at him, but before she could respond, Karlach leaped from her seat.

“Fuck yeah!” She yelled. The others joined in, already starting to argue about who would go first.

“Let’s see if you can hold on to your weapons against us, darling.” He looked back to Tav and winked. He knew it was unlikely anyone in this camp could actually beat her in a one on one fight. Surely an afternoon of showing off her combat prowess would lift her spirits a little bit.

[kylesvariouslistsandstuff]

John Musker recently spoke of his final years at Walt Disney Animation Studios, and on directing MOANA under the stewardship of John Lasseter. There's some stuff worth noting in here...

To start off, he kinda repeated the words Bob Iger said when evaluating Disney's 2023 movie releases that didn't do very well at the box office, in describing what's not working with WDAS' most recent films. Namely the box office bombs STRANGE WORLD and WISH...

We weren’t trying to be woke, although I understand the criticism. The classic Disney films didn’t start out trying to have a message. They wanted you to get involved in the characters and the story and the world, and I think that’s still the heart of it. You don’t have to exclude agendas, but you have to first create characters who you sympathize with and who are compelling. I think they need to do a course correction a bit in terms of putting the message secondary, behind entertainment and compelling story and engaging characters.

The key takeaway here is "you don't have to exclude agendas".

While I found Iger's similar statements to be confounding and toothless, seemingly catering to all the angry assholes on YouTube who call everything "woke" and think about Brie Larson 24/7/365... What John is saying is a very basic thing about storytelling, in that it's character first.

That being said, I personally don't feel the problem with WDAS' recent movies is that the messaging is front-and-center. I think that so-called messaging, like some of the character work, feels like an afterthought too. Specifically in STRANGE WORLD and WISH, not so much ENCANTO. But it is instead the rushed and hurried pacing of their over-crammed stories, the sort-of plainness of the presentations, weird dialogue choices (throughout my first viewing of WISH, I kept saying "Who talks like this?"), kinda reheated old hat tricks. It sometimes feels like the films made under CCO Jennifer Lee's watch are just trying to recapture FROZEN in some way or another... Without understanding why that film ticked with audiences and where the overall zeitgeist was in late 2013/early-to-mid 2014.

Also... Messaging. I'm not taking Musker to task specifically, because I know what he means in his words... But when others say it: All art is either political or about something, anyways. Choosing NOT to say anything is still saying something, it's still a political act to bow out or to be indifferent. Every Disney animated movie is about something, and they are indeed the works of their creators, so that means that their views on life and the world are somehow within the stories themselves. "Message" in this context, to me, reduces a work of art to a mere statement, like an after-school special or something. John and Ron Clements' Disney animated movies simply knew how to mix the themes with the character work, the storytelling, the worlds they put together, etc. You can't tell me with a straight face that something like THE LITTLE MERMAID, ALADDIN, or MOANA aren't about something or aren't political in any way, shape, or form. Especially the first of those three examples. The spirit of Howard Ashman would have a word with you if you think otherwise.

John also points out that the Lasseter years, which a lot of people online alarmingly pine for, weren't these amazing halcyon days. And this statement only confirmed the rumors I had heard about MOANA's production, how both John and Ron Clements were warded off on various things during its making:

MOANA was a very difficult project. It was our idea, but with Pixar and John Lasseter, our story kept changing hands. In the ’90s, we had Jeffrey [Katzenberg]. He was an emperor, you know. But there weren’t 10 Jeffreys. Now, you have too many people to satisfy, before we didn’t have 15 directors telling you how to make the movie. But in some ways, they were right, it was a good thing.

I feel like John's being very balanced in his words, finding the positives of that kind of environment while still calling out the not-great stuff. I love to hear these stories in former directors/animators' own words, and what the Lasseter and Lee regimes have been like. I feel that there are potentially fantastic movies buried in STRANGE WORLD and WISH, the former I rather liked still and the latter I found a fairly pleasant diversion.

I feel the fault lies in the execution, not so much the concepts, themes, or ideas. While some pockets of animation fandom online strongly feel that that earlier iteration of WISH with a younger version of Asha's grandpa being some kinda Star Boy would've been automatically better than the released film, to me it's down to the storytelling itself. Like, I think Asha, the silly goat, and the cute star thing could've been a fun trio and the movie itself a pretty fantasy flick, but it doesn't really get there. The Human-Star WISH, if made, could've also suffered from the same writing problems and similarly underwhelming songs.

STRANGE WORLD could've been this really dynamic sci-fi pulp adventure with a funny and super-enjoyable bickering family at its core, with the environmental themes intact... but it's mostly just kinda there in its execution, the characters kinda flat, the dialogue is forced a lot of the time, the dramatic beats aren't properly built up, and the film's editing makes it feel like it had been thrown into a dicer. There doesn't seem to be the hand and personality of the directors/filmmaking team, it's almost like a template is set for them. And they fill in the blanks and eke out as much personality as they can. See, I don't get that out of Pixar's recent films, all of which feel much more director-driven. And ARE about something, too, whether explicitly political or not. This current iteration of WDAS would not have made a movie like LUCA or TURNING RED.

For the forseeable future, it's sequels to favorites from last decade, who knows how those will be executed. Maybe an original or two sneaks in, I don't know, but I wonder if Lee and the leadership themselves looked at the response to WISH, STRANGE WORLD, et al. and are figuring things out. Or staying the course. But it isn't just people online saying it, nor critics. More than one Disney veteran is saying it... WDAS is in a bit of a rough spot at the moment. The solution isn't as simple as "they need to have romances and villains again" nor "they need to be less left-leaning", to me it's really... Let the filmmakers try something cool, even if it doesn't land. If it doesn't land, it'll be a cult classic thereafter. Live-action directors get to mess up all the time and make these 45%-scoring-on-RT released-by-A24 movies that later get hailed as auteur classics... Why do some animated movies have to live up to this weird nonexistent standard?

Back to Musker... In addition to this, John still expresses interest in adapting the DISCWORLD book MORT, from Terry Pratchett. He and Ron tried to get that going at Disney Animation after finishing THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG, but it didn't pan out, so the pitch that morphed into MOANA happened thereafter. He feels it's a tough sell in today's "risk-averse" environment... Though somehow, the DISCWORLD book THE AMAZING MAURICE AND HIS EDUCATED RATS recently happened as an animated feature. The interview seems to confirm that METAL MEN, the DC animated adaptation that he and Ron were heading up at Warner Animation, isn't a thing anymore. John's new thing is his self-made short I'M HIP, so hopefully that circulates somewhere we can all see it.

[graciereadshannigram]

re: audhd, heuristics, emotional processing, and critical thinking*

hooo boy, can't wait for all the nuance here to be completely missed but walk with me for a minute? (tl;dr at the bottom)

in psychology, there’s this idea of mental heuristics, right? they’re the shortcuts your brain uses to make decisions or problem solve faster. and thinking about it, for someone with audhd (hi hello that is me), those shortcuts are probably even more important because we’re already using up so much processing power just dealing with daily stuff.

which brings me to emotional processing and critical thinking.

to paraphrase one of my fav tiktokers, jasminesgarden23, "if you're feeling triggered, your critical thinking shuts down." so when strong emotions like fear, shame, or disgust** get triggered, critical thinking stops being a priority! dealing with the Emotion and coming back to baseline becomes the priority.

and the bigger the emotion, the more our brain looks for the quickest way out, and that's when mental heuristics (like black-and-white thinking) really start to take over.

instead of spending a bunch of energy processing every angle of a situation, we can just jump to an either/or conclusion. it’s not great for nuance, but it definitely saves on brainpower. like, you don’t have to get stuck in the messy middle of a problem if you can just label it good or bad, right or wrong, move on.

i mean, we see this all the time with Tumblr Discourse™️, right?

for example, "if you read [insert 'problematic' ship or kink/tag here] fics, you’re automatically a bad person."

boom, a mental heuristic.

because why sit in the discomfort of processing a complex issue when you can just label something good or bad and move on?

it doesn't require deeper critical thinking, it validates your emotional trigger, and allows you to process and move on in a less energy-intensive way.

(i'm guessing disgust is a big driver in this particular example, but so might be this idea of moral justice, this feeling of wanting to be a 'good' person, which is a whole other topic to explore another time)

(this particular heuristic is also completely invalid on multiple levels, don't come at me please).

and i want to emphasize that our brains evolved these mental shortcuts for a reason! they can be useful! they can also be incredibly harmful.

but the thing is, if you develop an over-reliance on these shortcuts, and aren't interrogating why and when you're using them and whether or not they're helpful or harmful, when are you supposed to practice your critical thinking skills? and if you aren't practicing, critical thinking could remain this energy-intensive task.

idk man, would love to respectfully and thoughtfully discuss with others if you're interested in it. (on tumblr??? you ask? yeah maybe not the best platform, but here we are!)

tl;dr: black-and-white thinking is a mental shortcut that conserves energy, especially for audhd brains, but it becomes even more tempting when strong emotions like disgust or fear are involved. while it simplifies complex issues, it could possibly weaken critical thinking over time, making it harder to deal with nuance without getting overwhelmed.

*i am heavily relying on my undergraduate degree in psychology, my master's degree in social & behavioral sciences, and my career in qualitative psych research, but have done exactly zero extra research before word vomiting my thoughts up. so like. take this with a grain of salt.

**these primary emotions are sometimes expressed via anger, a secondary emotion

[9w1ft]

Being a gaylor/kaylor is hard. You speak the closest to truth and then Taylor proves you wrong by doing something opposite to please the hetties. Then you are called losers and liars. One thing for sure that Taylor doesn't care about Gaylors/Kaylors at all. She CONDONES the homophobia and bully towards us. Always has been. After the 1989 prologue, Travlor stunt, always in the past. And will do in future. Sometimes I feel like she hates us so bad and always throws us under the bus. I wonder why we are still here. There is nothing positive about being a gaylor. If she wants to stay extremely closeted and parade her bf as the straightest women alive, then what is the purpose of flagging just to prove us fool on a larger scale. Does our existence bother her?? It doesn't seem that she like us. I just wanted to know from someone experienced.

hm, i dunno. i’ve felt very loved by taylor and karlie!

i think so much of how one might feel is based upon self-imposed rules. if you change the way you expect taylor to act, or how you vocalize how you expect her to act, maybe 75% of the frustration one might have is resolved.

i think condone is a pretty strong word to impress upon taylor. i think people have all gone through enough cycles to see what taylor does and doesn’t do in reaction to fandom behavior but i think a lot of people refuse to ask themselves why she always acts the way that she does, and people also refuse to change the way they comport themselves, but still act the same way while expecting a change to come from taylor.

even in the way you wrote your anon, you’re making a lot of assumptions about why taylor does things, and i don’t mean it as a criticism of you personally. i understand why you write it out like that because i think it’s a popular way of thinking. but i think you’re setting yourself up here. for example, you describe a dynamic of taylor flagging and then taylor bearding. maybe she’s not queer flagging for us, maybe she’s just being herself! and bearding to compensate for that, because for some reason she doesn’t want to be out right now. i think a lot of people say taylor doing gay things is flagging because they’re trying to prove that she’s gay (umbrella term) or that she’s trying to tell everyone that she’s gay. that’s voluntarily setting a test up for people who have hate in their hearts to knock down.

i’m not talking in ideals here. in a vacuum, in an ideal scenario, there are things that would be more “right” or “just” or “fair” for taylor to do — i am just not so sure if it’s wise for people to keep trying the same things and expect different results. especially after songs like anti hero and dear reader were put out in the world. so i dunno, maybe try different things, or change the conditions of your own environment, etc. you have the power to tinker with your own experience of what is going on.

i don’t think this is kind advice for a perfect world and im sorry if i sound cold or heartless. sometimes it pains me to see people set themselves up to be angry so i’m just trying to be a little more practical with my response. i still think there are ways to make this all work for you or anyone personally, but i think it requires you the individual and not taylor to make changes. that’s a choice that’s ultimately up to you the individual to make.

i hope everyone can find a balance that works for them, or a pastime that is a better net positive for their life!