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xtrashmammalstefx · 2 years ago

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That’s My Man (An Austin Abrams Smut)

Requested By: @tiamcconnellx

WARNINGS: Smut!, Choking, Attempted rape!, language

Notes: Hey guys! So I just want to clarify some stuff for this fic real quick. In this story you are Norman Reedus' s daughter, and a member of The Walking Dead Cast, duh. Oh, and I will have a life update post later this week (maybe) where I will explain my absence and future plans. Okay I’ll shut up now. Enjoy!

You know how sometimes when you meet someone you get this feeling you’ve never really felt before. Like something inside you is just like: I need this person, I need to know this person… Well, for me that’s the feeling I got when I first met Austin.

He wasn’t your typical type of handsome, but damn did he have a smile that was more infectious than a zombie bite. Not to mention he was (is) wicked talented at acting. He, Chandler, and I basically became the ultimate trio during our stints on The Walking Dead.

My dad wasn’t too thrilled at the idea. I mean, sure, he loved and trusted Chan with his life (having watched him grow for the past few season) but he didn’t exactly know Austin all too well.

“Your dad’s still giving me the look,” Austin whined as we took a break between scenes. Sure enough my dad was giving him the ‘fuck up you little shit, I dare you’ look he reserved for any guy that was interested in me. I sighed.

“He’s just nervous because he knows what scene we’re about to shoot,” I said. I swear I thought my dad was going to burst a blood vessel when he first read the script for this episode. After all, it included the most mature scene I’ve ever filmed, and one I dreaded more than anything. I mean… I knew what was coming since the writers and director had discussed it with us previously but god damn did they pick a hell of a way to start things.

“You nervous?” Austin asked.

“Definitely,” I said before turning my head to face him and placing my hand in his. “But I trust you not to hurt me too bad.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine myself hurting you… your dad would fucking kill me.” Austin said smiling lazily at me. I chuckled slightly.

“ABRAMS! REEDUS! GET IN POSITION WE’RE READY TO FILM THE NEXT SCENE!” The director hollered at us.

Austin and I stood up and went behind the door to my character’s Alexandria house. “You ready?” I whispered.

Austin took a deep breath. “No, but then again in a zombie apocalypse there’s no such thing.”

“True,” I agreed as the director ordered everyone to be quiet on the set.

‘AND ACTION!” Right on cue Austin’s face contorted with fury and pain, and he burst through the door. I counted the seconds and then followed.

“RON! RON PLEASE STOP!” I grabbed his hand and he threw my hand away.

“NO, I’M DONE! I’M FUCKING DONE!” He looked at me as though I was the worst person in the world. Tears began streaming down my face.

“I-It wasn’t what it… I swear I didn’t mean to…”

“Just, stop,” Austin said. “Don’t even try bullshitting your way out of this. I could see it ever since he first came to my house. I could see it in your fucking face.” I stepped back in fear, pressing my body against the door. “You fucking loved him even then.” Austin said stepping closer to me. “Hell, you were probably thinking of him the night we fucked for the first time, weren’t you?” He brought his hand to my neck. “WEREN’T YOU!” He squeezed, digging his fingers slightly into my neck.

“N-N…”

“DON’T LIE TO ME!” He screamed at me squeezing a little tighter. My tears were streaming even worse as I looked up at him.

“Y-Yes,” I wheezed out. Now Austen was the one crying.

“Then I guess there’s only one thing left to do,” he said before crashing his lips against mine. This is where I nearly fucked up the scene. I was supposed to fight him, loath his very touch… but at that moment I couldn’t be more in love with him. A fact that shocked me to the point where I quickly remembered what we were doing and began to struggle. I placed my hands on his chest and started trying to push him away. He just grabbed them and placed them on either side of my head and continued to aggressively kiss me. He then grabbed me and dragged me to the side of the porch (my character was related to a recluse who insisted on surrounding the porch in a black tarp, and duct taping the shit out of the windows) where he laid us down. I kicked and screamed but he just held me down and used his weight to keep me down while he reached down to undo his zipper. That’s when Chan appeared ripping him off of me. Chan punched him in the face and the scene was over.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and stood up.

“Fuck, remind me never to piss you off, man,” Austin said rubbing his chin.

Chan just chuckled. “No problem, though if you ever try something like that for real I’m not the one that’s gonna be doing the hitting.”

“Damn right he’s not,” Dad appeared on the porch. “You okay, baby?”

“I’m fine dad,” I said.

“Just checking,” he said. We all stepped down off of the porch and took a breather while the set was prepped for the next scene which would be with just Chan and me.

“I didn’t hurt you too bad did I?” Austin asked once we both had taken a much needed drink of water.

“No,” I assured him. “You were actually kind of perfect.”

He smirked. “Yeah, a perfect piece of shit.”

“Yeah, well, that’s just Ron for ya. He’s a dick with a narrow view of the world, but you… you’re different.”

“How so?”

“You’re better,” I said. “How’s the face by the way?”

“Oh, it’s fine, a little sore but, can’t say it wasn’t deserved,” he said. I reached up and brushed my lips against the violently pink skin.

“Better?”

“Sort of, but…”

“But?”

“You missed it?”

“I did?” He nodded before ducking his head down and pressing his lips against mine. That same feeling I had earlier came back, only this time is a thousand times stronger. Ron kissed with anger, a burning rage he could no longer control...but Austin? He kissed with a mind numbing passion, as though letting you know how just how much he’d been holding in his heart for you. Our arms snaked around each other and I felt his hand brush my ass. I think I would’ve let him do more if we weren’t on the clock.

“REEDUS! YOU’RE DUE IN MAKE UP!” The director hollered at us making us jump apart.

“Oh, um, right, I’m on my way.” I turned back to Austin. “To be continued?”

He smiled. “You bet.”

I was still thinking about him as I made my way into the make up trailer. The make-up artist did his magic and made it so I looked like I had bruises on my neck from where Austin had dug his fingers when he was choking me. It looked brutal and uncomfortably real.

When I got back to the water table Austin was talking with Chan who was first to see me coming. “Holy shit,” he said causing Austin to turn around.

“Oh fuck!”

Both guys were staring at my new bruises.

“Yeah apparently you’re a lot stronger than you look,” I said trying to lighten the mood.

“Kind of makes me wish I did more than just deck you in the face,” Chan said.

“Makes me kinda wish you did,” Austin said starting to reach his hand out.

“Ah, no touchy!” I said stepping back.

Austin was about to say something when…

“RIGGS! REEDUS! YOU’RE UP!” Chan stood by and motioned with his hand.

“After you, my lady,” he said.

We were in my ‘bedroom’ now. I took my place on the bed, curling up in the ball. I thought of the saddest things… Bambi, my favorite Harry Potter characters dying, and stuff like that. Eventually tears sprung from my eyes. Chan took his place by the door.

“ACTION!”

Chan knocked on the door. “Come in,” I said sniffing back tears. Chan slowly stepped in.

“Hey,” he whispered. Looking at him I started to cry a little harder. Chan closed the door and hurried over to me. He sat on the bed infront of me and pulled me into his arms. I buried my face in the crook of his neck and continued to sob. Chan’s lips brushed the top of my head as his hand cradled the back of my head. “It’s okay, Say… it’s okay, darling, just… just let it out.”

I breathed a heavy sigh and, hesitantly, kissed Chan on the neck.

He gasped and pulled back. “Say…”

“Carl, please, just… do what you were going to do earlier,” I said.

“Y-You sure?” I nodded. He closed his eyes and breathed a sigh before placing his lips on the corner of my forehead. His lips trailed down until they found mine. I tangled my fingers in his hair and deepened the kiss. His hands wandered down until they reached the hem of my shirt. I pulled back and let him take it off just as the camera switched over to the one behind my back. “Beautiful.” Chan muttered looking at me in awe.

I started unbuttoning his shirt, placing kisses on his chest as I did. After I pushed the fabric off of his shoulders he laid us down.

“AND CUT!”

Chan helped me up and handed me my shirt, blushing hard.

Later we were back in the bedroom except this time we were very naked; me under the blankets, and Chan with one leg and his crotch covered by a bit of my sheet. He held me against him, both of us freshly sprayed with mist to make us look sweaty and glowing.

“I love you,” Chan said gently with a vulnerability you could just tell Carl had carried with him for a long long time.

“I-” The door burst open and Andrew walked in.

“WHAT THE- CARL!”

“DAD! WHAT’RE YOU-?” We scrambled for our clothes.

“Glen just radioed, there’s a storm of walkers heading right towards the gate!”

Fully dressed I reached under my bed and grabbed my shotgun.

Chan’s eyes grew wide. “What’re you..?”

“Honeymoon’s over Carl, time to kick some walker ass.” I said cocking my gun. I followed them out of the room.

“CUT! AND THAT’S A WRAP!”

Chan and I high-fived on a job well done before heading to our trailers to shower and change.

Austin was waiting by mine.

“Hey, I thought you were done for today?”

“Yeah well, I didn’t exactly feel like leaving yet,” he said not looking quite right.

“You okay?” He nodded. “You sure?”

He nodded but didn’t convince me that everything was okay.

“Austin?”

He sighed. “I’m just… I was kinda hoping I could see you like that…” he motioned at the set. “Before Chan I mean…”

“You make it sound as if he got a good show.”

“Didn’t he?”

“Not even close,” I said. “He’s actually quite the gentleman, you know. First make out scene he only saw my bra and was quick to help me cover up. Just now he actually closed his eyes when I took my robe off and didn’t open them until I was covered. As for post-coital well, he was focused more on his on-screen dad than anyone else.”

“Damn, he really is an upstanding guy,” he said.

“Yeah he is,” I said stepping up to Austin. “And he is also a really great friend. I love the guy like a brother which is a far cry from what I feel about you.”

“Really?” I nodded bringing my lips to his. He moved to deepen it but I pulled back.

“Hold onto that thought for a minute while I wash up,” I said opening my trailer door. Austin followed me in.

He sat down on the small couch while I ducked behind the screen and disrobed before entering the small shower beside it. I washed my hair and used a special cleanser to erase my choke marks. I had just gotten the last one off when the shower curtain was pushed aside. I watched as Austin stepped in and swung the curtain shut behind him. He was naked, his scrawny body exposed fully to me. I was about to ask what he was doing when it caught my eye.

He was at half mast and only growing straighter, and harder.

He approached me and placed his hands on my hips. “C’mere,” he muttered ducking his head down for a kiss. As soon as his lips were flushed with mine I wrapped my arms around him and let him lift me up.

I gasped as he stretched me. He groaned slightly. “Fuck… I-I didn’t hurt you too bad did I?”

“Not at all,” I muttered.

“Good,” he muttered bringing his lips back to mine. He held me against the shower wall as he continued to thrust in and out of me. I tried to bite back any noise it brought out of me but the sensation was just too good.

“Fuck, Aus, you feel so good,” I moaned as he started thrusting harder. “Oh fuck yeah right there, right there.”

I felt myself tense up in my core and I knew it I was about to fucking burst.

“You’re gonna cum aren’t you?” I nodded moan louder and louder. “Ugh, it’s alright… just cum on me… cum on my cock.”

The tension became too much and I was practically screaming as I tightened around him.

He continued to thrust as I came down from it a shivering mess. “C-Couch,” I said. “Take me to the couch.”

He shut the water off, threw the curtain back and carried me to the small couch. “Sit down,” I said. He did so keeping me in his arms. I started rocking my hips on him.

“Oh, fuck,” he moaned as I continued to bounce on him vigorously. Before I knew it the tension I felt earlier came back.

I moaned as it came closer and closer. “Fuck I’m gonna cum again!”

“Me too,” Austin groaned. I leaned back, screaming again, as my body tensed up, clenching around him.

“Oh fuck!” I felt his warmth shoot into me as his body stiffened, his groans filling the air. We then collapsed on the coach, breathless and dazed.

“I think that just may be the most powerful orgasm of my life,” I breathed, my heart still racing.

“Same here, I… I think my dick is gonna need some time to recover.” Austin laughed.

“Sorry,” I said.

“Don’t be, it was so fucking worth it.” He smiled tiredly at me.

“I love you, Austin.”

“I-” There was a knock at my door and a frantic yell.

‘Y/N REEDUS YOU BETTER ANSWER THIS DOOR AND PROVE TO ME THAT YOU’RE ALIVE OR SO HELP ME I WILL BREAK THE FUCKER DOWN!”

We grabbed our clothes in a panic and got dressed. “Coming dad!”

Once we were dressed and I tamed my post-sex head, I opened the door.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“Someone said they heard screaming… thought you might be in trouble so…” Austin unintentionally choked out a laugh and I immediately elbow him in the ribs. “What’s so funny?”

“Uh, nothing,” I said feeling my cheeks grow warm, the fucking traitors. Dad looked from me to Austin and as he did his face contorted from confusion to a Reedus level of fucking fury.

“TELL ME I’M WRONG RIGHT FUCKING NOW!” Dad demanded. “TELL ME YOU WEREN’T JUST IN THERE DOING WHAT I THINK YOU WERE FUCKING DOING!”

“Oh shit,” Austin muttered shrinking back. “Should I run?” He asked me.

“OH YOU BETTER FUCKING RUN!” Austin shrieked and bolted out of my trailer with my dad on his tail.

“DAD NO!” I hollered before chasing after my dad and my man.

#austin abrams #the walking dead #chandler riggs #Smut

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pressradio · 2 years ago

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After a race like that I hate Carlos too.

That B&W flag ??? Where is the teamwork he was so quick to talk about ?

Someone need an ego check. And that team need to wake up.

It’s his third year and the third year he is slower than Charles. The team knows, everyone knows. Data don’t lie. Why still pretend ? Is it because he had more points in 2021 ? He has more now yet everyone can see he does not perform ? Are we saying that car is shittier than Mercedes ? Again data says otherwise. Mercedes just have a better duo right now (and Lewis is struggling, but a struggling 7 time WDC is still an amazing driver). I can hear that AM is a slightly better car but again, drivers … There is a fight to have.

If they are using this year to prepare 2024 they need to get on top of everything and that includes hurting Carlos feelings when necessary.

At this point I am really becoming Charles fan first Ferrari second. But that’s team putting Ferrari high because I think Charles is the only one fighting for a team result … he will still shut up publicly, keep his head down, race like crazy. And he will be the one to take all the blame, whose talent is going to be questioned (only by shitty media and Twitter twats because the pros, they KNOW).

That first stint was so great, and yet here we are so angry again after another wasted race.

I would take P7 if we at least TRIED. But we half the race cursing in our own little championship it was ridiculous. That team really forgot we are competing here. Same as last year. And the year before. And …

I'm still not over last year. And they stab me in the back again again and again. They have to choose (they have to fire sainz and xavi asap, sorry).

Charles is Ferrari. The only Ferrari energy in Ferrari is Charles. But at some point I really want them to lose him. Because it's..no words really. I love the loyalty in him and I know that I will be happy if he stays after 2024, but at this point they don't deserve him аnd do nothing to change it.

Sometimes I seriously think that 2nd seat at RB isn't that bad alternative, like what the point of everything if Ferrari actually treat him as 2nd driver just to save the ego of the real second driver. Second driver in RB at least can win race here and there, you know. (I hate myself for this thoughts, but I can't anymore, I just can't)

#kate.answering #charles leclerc

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brokencrayonsstillcolor2today · 5 months ago

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I have always loved art. Coloring. Painting. In fact, I love getting messy with paint. Particularly in school just not sure my teacher loved the mess I made but that’s OK because life is messy and you would think being three years old in preschool with all the messes I was making that I would learn early in life, that real life is truly messy. To this day I remember running to my art box and grabbing my daddy‘s baseball shirt that was orange with a double zero in the back that he played baseball in when he was in the military that was my paint shirt and I loved it . One time, I remember, the teacher had us do some fingerpainting with chocolate pudding, and boy when we found out we could eat that paint! You can bet that were more on our faces in our mouths than there was on the paper. I remember the teacher asking us, Are y’all eating that paint? I thought to myself, yup I’m eating the paint it’s chocolate. My daddy told me I could say the word chocolate at nine months old are you kidding me, it’s my favorite.

Yep, that’s no lie. I could talk at nine months old in fact I could say 5 words but back to the classroom when I was three years old. Some days I wish I could go back there and some days I don’t , because if I could go back there at least those messes could be cleaned up and it didn’t take that long to clean those messes up. But there are other messes in life that take years to clean up if ever they get completely cleaned up. Back then I was happy most of the time and didn’t even know my parents marriage was breaking up and falling apart. One would’ve never known that they diagnosed me with cerebral palsy the year before if one couldn’t see it. My mother was the driving force behind my independence and she told me to do things on my own and took me to therapy appointments that I hated at the time unless of course it was occupational therapy and then I loved it. My mom wanted me to succeed. I was ADHD before they knew what it was. I was accident prone because I was not still nor was I very good at listening sometimes as are most preschoolers from time to time. I was born 8 weeks early, I had a major diagnosis and surgery, seven stitches up the back of my head after falling off of the top of some baseball bleachers at one of my daddy’s baseball games, I was pinned under the family vehicle just before it rolled over my legs, mom called 911 on me because I told her I couldn’t breathe and I lost my beloved first pet to the parvovirus by my 5th birthday.

Fast forward a couple of years, my parents marriage did fall apart, but they both remarried within two years or so. I had one step parent that was great and one step parent who had her struggles and unfortunately, by the time I was seven years old I knew what it meant to have a broken body, live in a broken home and carry a broken heart. I felt like all independence had been stripped away from me that my mother worked so hard to help me gain after a stepparent came in and decided then I should be her security blanket, and I should be depending on her and no one else. Needless to say for anyone who knows me well at all would know that didn’t go over well. In fact, the very first thing I ever said to my stepmother was, I can do it by myself when she tried to help me up after I had fallen and she never forgot that.

I knew at seven years old life was going to be tough with this lady and I was just going to have to either give in and let her have her way or be miserable in life. Something else that I learned early on with my stepmom was that if she wasn’t happy nobody in the house would be happy and some days It was just easier to just let her have what she wanted than deal with a fight. More often than not, my stepmom’s demeanor hinged on my behavior. Even as little as I was l carried burdens and baggage that I should have never had to carry. When I was seven, eight, nine and ten it was easier for stepmom to rope me in because I was so young in at that time and I wasn’t mature for my age. And all she had to say was either I’m gonna spank you or I’m going to tell your daddy, and then he would more than likely spank me. I obeyed out of fear most of the time. My stepmom made sure maturity did not happen, at least not on her watch because if maturity started to happen I wouldn’t need her and then she wouldn’t know what to do with herself not being needed because that’s how she found her security and how she functioned in life. I was the vulnerable weaker one with a disability, and she used it to her advantage. I was nine years old when my best friend died of cystic fibrosis to add to hurt.

By the time I was in the sixth grade and 11 years old I started feeling really stupid and felt like I should know more than I did. I may have been slow, but I wasn’t stupid and I thought my stepmother was the meanest human being on the face of the earth for what she did to me. Stepmom would often use the Bible, saying honor, thy father andmother and children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right to her advantage so I would do anything and everything she wanted me to do and how she wanted me to do it, including not be myself. If she didn’t threaten to spank me first. I had no confidence, no self esteem, no positive outlook on life I had no friends , If I had had friends, it would’ve taken attention away from her and she couldn’t handle that. I got no invites anywhere, I had no social life beyond my home, I could not make choices for myself, including what to wear to school, and how to have my hair I was not allowed to make my own lunch. I was not even allowed to have my room decorated the way I wanted to decorate it. It had to be all her, my stepmom made all those choices for me. I was not allowed to cook in the kitchen not allowed to learn anything about the kitchen though I wanted to and cerebral palsy was her go to, if you cook in the kitchen you’ll get hurt. There was always an answer for why I couldn’t do something, and it usually had to be CP or taking attention off of her and she wasn’t having it. Middle School was already tough enough but at the beginning of 8th grade a military move made it harder. I cried all the way through it and didn’t adjust well. I wound up at a school that I didn’t fit into and it was gang infested. There were pregnant teenagers and I had never seen pregnant middle schoolers before. Someone threw a firecracker in the hallway where I was standing one day. It was just before lunch was over so there were very few people in the building at the time. I was the only one standing in that particular hallway at the time, I think it was aimed at me but it didn’t hit me, it went off in front of me and I saw a whole bunch of flashes and heard some loud pops just inches from my foot and didn’t dedinate like firecrackers usually do and by the grace of God I wasn’t injured. I think the kid that threw it was trying to purposely set off the fire alarm. He didn’t succeed but he succeeded in terrifying me. I kept my mouth shut though, there were gangs in that school and I couldn’t identify the student who threw the fire cracker but I knew he could identify me and if I reported anything and investigation was done, I was afraid that student would hunt me down and either try to attack me or kill me so I stayed quiet but event played over and over in my head for weeks and I was afraid to be alone anywhere at school. I didn’t have any friends there and didn’t want any. My parents had put our family on the waiting list for military base housing and I just wanted May to come so I could get out of there. It was more than an uncomfortable situation, as I said earlier, I was terrified. That six months could not go by fast enough.

My stepmom did not have a life growing up or an easy one at that and they didn’t have any money either so she chose to live the life she didn’t get to have through me in and the process I didn’t get to live mine. I basically lived her life for her in a child’s body, Needless to say for the 18 years that she was still alive when she was married to my daddy, we did not get along at all. I continued to stand up for myself and fight for my independence at the risk of being disciplined which most the time happened, I was either grounded, and/or spanked for standing up for myself. So I learned to be quiet. I learned that my opinions didn’t count and that there were no choices in life, except for the choice that she put in front of me and I was just gonna have to deal with that and the choice was to do it her way no way or the highway or be miserable. No matter how miserable I was, I was not allowed to show or have emotion. If I got mad about something, I got a spanking when I was little and when I got older I got grounded. If I cried about something and didn’t tell my parents why I was threatened with a spanking if I didn’t tell them why I was crying and by golly I was only supposed to be happy about something if it was something step mom was happy about and speaking of spanking, my brother and I were often beaten when dad wasn’t around by stepmom. That was her way of making sure she had control but also to make herself feel better when she was angry. So I learned to cry into my pillow at night and well I guess I learned to be happy on the inside and oh my, don’t laugh either. Most of the time nothing in our house was funny even if it was. If step mom didn’t think it was funny, it wasn’t. Stepmom made sure that birth mom stayed out of the picture and we missed out with our mom after I was 15 to further her security in having children. So by the time I was 15, I didn’t know who I was, I could not express feelings and and emotions and mom was not there. Yes, it was hard but I had given my life to Jesus at nine years old and I knew not fall for the temptation to run with a different crowd, find negative outlets to channel the gurgling volcano of emotions inside me or take it out on others. I will never forget sobbing uncontrollably in the backseat of the car after yet another hard conversation happened, they happened more often than not. I can’t remember for sure what it was that I wanted to do, I am pretty sure if was over picking out clothes that I wore. I told both parents I was 15 years old and my dad’s words to me were “I don’t care.” And he didn’t, he only cared about keeping the peace in the home, so I continued to suffer emotionally and silently. My dad was never the affectionate type either. Not only did my stepmom treat me like more of a robot than a child, I had a daddy who didn’t share much affection either. He was present but not present. I didn’t get many hugs growing up nor did I get much quality time with him. I craved it. I cried for it. I begged for it. However, when I mentioned it I was told to “just get over it” because I was just jealous of my sister who did get time with him. My love language is physical touch and quality time was within a point or two close physical touch so I grew up starved of my love languages and unable to exercise my God given spiritual gift of serving , I was too busy living someone else’s life. In fact, when it came to physical touch, I got more spankings than I ever got hugs. It’s no wonder that I nearly committed suicide at sixteen. It didn’t help that I once again, did not fit in at the new high school I was at either. Between poor social skills, my faith that I stood up for, and being one of the few students in my graduating class to make AB honor roll for most of high school, I was an outcast. I was bullied, made fun of, was the butt of jokes, and no one wanted to be caught hanging out with me.

On the day of graduation, shortly after my 18th birthday we were given paperwork the morning of because we had rehearsal that morning. I went to fill out the paperwork and she grabbed it from me. I grabbed it back and said I am doing this. I am graduating she got really angry and got in my face, grabbed me by the arms and said if I didn’t behave, she would take me home at my own graduation rehearsal. That’s how bad it was, she could not stand for me to do anything on my own, including fill out paperwork it was hard. I was 18 and I knew I was a legal adult. My stepmother never like the sound of that word to come out of my mouth it or for someone to refer to me as an adult, she hated it. The more adult I became the harder it got.

I got my first job when I was twenty and stepmom thought she had to “call in” in for me when we had unforeseen circumstances arise. I went back into work the next day and apologized to my boss saying I knew I should have called in for myself but step mom did it for me before I could. Thankfully my boss knew step mom well enough to know that I was telling the truth and didn’t hold anything against me. I knew what responsibility was, I was just never allowed to put it into action. I was never allowed to spend money without an explanation why and it was money that I earned. I was not allowed to touch my own bank account, my dad had it put my medical records that I couldn’t handle a checkbook which was an absolute lie and to this day I believe he did that to appease step mom so she could continue to control my money. My stepmom had control of every aspect of my life literally. I was done and entertained thoughts of suicide again at 21, I was tired of living for her. I was begging for God to do something but he kept telling me to hold on. I had to trust him. I had to believe that Romans 8:28 was real and it was true.

I was twenty three before daddy finally told stepmom to stay out of my room that it was my personal space. Stepmom told him she didn’t care it was her house. My room wasn’t cleaned to her perfection and the boxes under my bed were too messy for her. My dad told her again, stay out of her room! I finally achieved some privacy, but it didn’t stop her from going through my purse, backpack, bags and anything else she could including diaries and journals all the time when my dad wasn’t around. It didn’t stop her from inspecting all bags and suitcases when went on trips even after we were adults. We were not allowed to take anything that we wanted to take or wear anything we wanted to wear, it had to go through her inspection and be packed the way she wanted it packed, on the inside I was screaming for my independence and to be accepted as me not as step mom.

When I was 25 step mom died suddenly of an asthma attack but I wasn’t relieved. I was scared to say the least. I was numb. I felt hollow. I didn’t know what was going to happen next. I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know how to function, I was such a mess, a mess that I didn’t make but was now responsible for cleaning up, I was starving for affection that I never got. To say I was train wreck would have been an understatement. It had been 18 years up to this point, I felt like I had been in an emotional prison but my stepmom had died and took the key to grave with her. I felt empty. I had no cup to pour from and even if l had a cup to pour from it was emptied from the emotionally draining life had been living and was never refilled with what I desperately needed the most, love, acceptance and affection, I was definitely one thing for sure, I was broken and still am. But I was about to learn just how much Jesus uses broken people and broken crayons still color.

#broken #disability #divorce #abuse #survivor #resilient

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randomprojectsbeforeidie · 11 months ago

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23/01/2024

Heyooo! Feeling better today!

Today was honestly quite ok, you know? I'm glad I could complete my tasks for the day, actually.

So, let's go on about them, right?

Number 1: Study like Wade Watts

Got another day of studying done today! This time, I managed 1 hour and 30 minutes for the first time, yo! Doing good!

I was reviewing my Socioeconomics notes and noticed some stuff about me. I always heard about "pendular migration" (I think you guys call it "commuting"), that describes the movement people do every day from one city to the other, from home to work, in metropolitan regions. I was looking at it and a light bulb went on on my head "hey, I do pendular migration every single day!"

Ha! Somehow I keep seeing myself as separate of my studies. It's funny to see myself on them for a change.

So, today puts me at 15/184 days of study, which is 8.15% of my goal. Good!

Number 2: Fight like a Bene Gesserit

Yesterday I consumed 1222/1636 calories, which is... less than I expected. I've not been feeling that hungry these days, which is weird, you know? I noticed I also ate less today. Weird. I'll try to get closer to my calories for the day; I wanna lose weight, not become malnourished! I'll try to at least not go below 1200 calories a day.

Today I stretched my lower body. It was good!

Number 3: The NOBA Project

So, I've been reading this book called "Bad News: Why We Fall For Fake News", from this Rob Brotherton guy, and it's been quite interesting! I finished Chapter 1 today, and I'd like to show you my highlights from it.

"To be clear, I'm not saying that there's no difference between fake news and real news, or that journalists occasionally getting the facts wrong, despite their best efforts, is on par with intentionally spreading deceptive fake news. What I'm saying is that fake news mimics the form and function of standard news, leveraging our collective notions of what news is or should be to its advantage. Because of this parasitic relationship, we can better understand the problem of fakw news by exploring our complicated relationship with news in general" pg. 14

"It's not just the media that is viewed with skepticism. American, British and Canadian surveys have found that journalists are on par in trustworthiness with real estate agents, lawyers, and car mechanics. Only politicians are reliably less trusted." pg. 15

(HA, as a lawyer, I had to laugh at the fact that we are used as a reliable status of untrustworthiness. I trust you as much as I trust a lawyer is basically an insult! It is funny!)

"The data for the United States showed that in 2018 overall trust 'suffered the largest-ever-recorded drop in the survey's history', falling from 52 percent to 43 percent - meaning that people were more distrusting than trusting, on the whole." pg. 15

(It seems to me that this is quite a sign of a failed society)

"But to assume that our current struggles are new and imprecedent is to assume also that new causes are responsible and that new cures are required. This perpetual scramble for new solutions to ostensibly new problems blinds us to historical insights into current predicaments" pg. 16

(ok... but, if these problems are not new, this means they've been there for a while. So, it probably means that old solutions did not solve them. So, wouldn't it really be the case for new solutions?)

"The just rewarde of him that is accustomed to lie, is, not to be believed when he speaketh the truth. So just an occasion may sometime bee imposed upon the pamphleting presseres. And therefore, if we receive the same rewards, we cannot much blame our accusers' (The author went on to tell the tale of a 'Strange and Monstrous Serpent, or Dragon' troubling the English countryside)." pg. 20

(I'M SORRY BUT THE PARENTHESIS KILLED ME)

"(...) Society is a good-natured giant with no memory, and it is always safe to print a petulant article on the degeneracy of the press." pg. 22

("a good-natured giant with no memory" sounds like an... adequate description of humanity through the ages, to be honest)

"Some of the language and more obert prejudice aside, there are hints of the same kind of thinking about fake news today. Stories about the problem are usually about how someone else is falling for it." pg. 25

"It's not that we think ourselves completely immune to influence; we just tend to think we are less gullible thatn everyone else." pg. 26

(It's me. I'm the clown does this. You didn't have to strip me naked while I was reading you, but here we are)

"W. Philips Davison, a Columbia University professor of journalism and sociology, coined a term for this: the third-person effect. When we think about the effects of a communication, he wrote, 'it's greatest impact will not be on 'me' or 'you', but on 'them' - the thirds persons." pg. 26

"We tend to think of other people as less rational and more conformist than ourselves. Our own beliefs, we think, are based on objective knowledge or experiences. Other people's beliefs are more likely the result of mindlsessly fllowing the group." pg. 27

(I'm already a naked clown, you don't have to keep EXPOSING me!)

"Recent research has taken the third-person effect into the territory of fake news, and the pattern holds true. We think ohter people are more likely to fall for it than us. More generally, we think other people are more vulnerable to the risks of social media than we are, such as falling for extremist propaganda. The problem is perhaps exarcebated because fake news so often latches on to hot-button issues. The angrier we are about an issue, and the more personally invested we feel, the more we assume the best of ourselves and the worst of others." pg. 27

(STOP, STOP, I'M ALREADY DEAD)

"The most important lesson to take away from the hoopla over Orson Welle's 'War of the Worlds' is, perhaps, to beware of stories that appear to confirm our worst assumptions about the people around us. When it comes to the news - fake or otherwise - things are often more complicated than they appear." pg. 31

(noted)

"Some critics accused radio of weakening people's attention spans." pg. 31

(haha. Tale as old as time)

"The tendency to share news before substantiating it, and to belive trusted sources, still gets us into trouble today. Fake news is at its most dangerous when it becomes socially contagious." pg. 32

"And when we're presentede with a string of anecdotes, we can't help extrapolating, turning a handful of extreme and exceptional stories into an assumed reality." pg. 32

(This reminded me of my rhetoric classes. We learned that story-telling is an exceptional mean of convincing someone of something; way better than just showing the data. Just like thIS BOOK HAS ALSO DONE, HOLY SHIT, THE WAR OF THE WORLDS ANECDOTE IS JUST THIS OH GOD)

And that was it for today, folks! See you tomorrow!

#daily log #studying #studyblr #fitness #fitblr #diets #calorie couting #weight loss #exercise #stretching #the noba project #fake news #and today's lesson is kids #“you are NOT immune to propaganda!”

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arpmemething2 · 3 years ago

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MCU Sentence Starters

Send one for my muse’s response!

“I don’t fly man, that’s your thing.”

"This is our home now, I want us to fit in."

"A father's first responsibility to their kids is to provide a beautiful lie for them to live in."

“She was literally one split end from cutting her own bangs.”

"He's a friend from work!"

"No prison can keep me, you know that"

“I’m Mary Poppins y’all!”

"If you want to do something right, you make a list."

"Why? Does he have bad breath?"

"You rely too much on technology."

“We’re in the endgame now.”

"You never know. You hope for the best and make do with what you get."

“You know, I keep telling everybody they should move on and grow. Some do. But not us.”

“I’ll get you all the cheeseburgers you want.”

"Do you not truly feel the gravity of your crimes? Wherever you go there is war, ruin and death!""

“Nothing goes over my head. My reflexes are too fast. I would catch it.”

"Compromise where you can. Where you can't, don't."

“I don't know if you've been in a fight before but there's usually not this much talking.”

“The hardest choices require the strongest wills.”

"The wheel constantly turns. We must adapt to its position, or be crushed beneath it."

"Trying to get you to stop has been one of the few failures of my entire life.”

“He may have been your father, but he wasn’t your daddy.”

“I am Inevitable.”

“Let me go. It’s okay.”

"At some point, we all have to choose, between what the world wants you to be, and who you are."

“I beat some guys up. Saved the dog. Some light B and E”

"That man is playing Galaga! Thought we wouldn't notice, but we did."

"You're ancestors called it magic, and you call it science."

“Well let me know if real power wants a magazine or something.”

"We all know the truth: But in times of crisis, the wise build bridges, while the foolish build barriers."

“You're the one who just kidnapped me. What's wrong with you people?“

"We are an unusual couple, you know?"

"People think that torture is pain. It's not pain, it's time."

“Everyone hates losing.”

"I love you 3000."

“If toast is cut diagonally, I can’t eat it.”

“I should not be left in charge of stuff like this. I don’t get paid enough. I don’t get paid, period.”

"Dumb men like little girls. Me? I ponder a woman."

“This is the fight of our lives, and we’re going to win. Whatever it takes.”

"The past is the past. And the only direction in life that matters is forward. Never backwards."

“Can’t have a revolution without somebody to overthrow, so you’re welcome, and uh, it’s a tie.”

"I like following the rules and doing what's expected of me. It makes me feel nice."

"If we can't accept limitations, then we're no better than the bad guys."

"Hands up. You're coming with us."

"I’m going to have to ask you to exit the donut.”

"It's a working theory."

"No man can win every battle, but no man should fall without a struggle."

“This drink, I like it. Another!”

“You’re in a relationship with me. Everything will never be okay.”

"Part of the journey is the end."

“I was already slipping when you happened to punch me in the face. The two events are not related.”

"I've come to bargain."

"The world has changed and none of us can go back. All we can do is our best, and sometimes the best that we can do is to start over."

"But a thing isn't beautiful because it lasts. It's a privilege to be among them."

"I love you in every universe."

"I can do this all day."

“Ah, she left me. And my mom died too. And my dad got deported. But I got the van!”

“You want a juice box and some string cheese?”

"On your left."

“Sacrifice is part of the job.”

"Darling, you have no idea."

“Pain is always a surprise. I try to avoid landmines. Avoid caring. I can even see it coming. But until it hits, you have no idea what pain is.”

"I had him on the ropes."

"The scarf looked better."

“I'm sorry, did I step on your moment?”

"In a real magic act, everything is fake."

“They say everyone’s born a hero. But if you let it, life will push you over the line until you’re the villain. Problem is, you don’t always know that you’ve crossed that line.”

"The point of these things is to remind us that... There is no going back, there's only moving forward. You feel different because you are different."

“One thing I've proven is that you can count on me to pleasure myself.”

“It’s an honor to meet you, officially. I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping.”

"You wanna get to them? You gotta go through me."

“Funny how annoying a little prick can be, isn't it?”

“I’m gonna have to rain check that dance.”

"I could do with a hobby."

"I need a horse."

“Not to be rude, but it's been one of those days, so produce some credentials or I'm gonna put you in handcuffs. “

“Vengeance has consumed you. It’s consuming them. I’m done letting it consume me.”

“I’m a piece of shit, and shit stinks.”

“You haven’t changed a bit. And I’m aware that statement makes no sense.”

"If we can't protect the earth, you can be damn well sure we'll avenge it!"

“No amount of money ever bought a second of time.”

"Higher, further, faster, baby."

"I know you were only doing what you believe in, and that's all any of us can do, it's all any of us should."

"The city is flying. We're fighting an army of robots. And I have a bow and arrow. None of this makes sense."

“You’re gonna suffer for what you’ve done. And I I plan on being a very big part of that.”

“So…you got detention.”

"It's not about saving our world. It's about saving theirs."

"You really wanna go back in there? After everything she's put you through?"

“Time, Space, Reality. It’s more than a linear path. It’s a prism of endless possibility. Where one single choice can branch out into infinite realities, creating alternate worlds from the ones you know."

“I think we must learn from our mistakes and do better. You must not give up hope.”

“Where I come from, history has never looked kindly on those who lock men in cages.”

“Sorry, I tend to process traumatic events with dad jokes.”

"Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"

“Can you believe they call us criminals when he's assaulting us with that haircut?”

“Love is a dagger. It’s a weapon to be wielded far away or up close. You can see yourself in it. It’s beautiful until it makes you bleed.”

“It’s not enough to be against something. You have to be for something better.”

"I think purple might be your color; it really matches your eyes."

"I once stood in your place. And I, too, was disrespectful. Might I offer you some advice? Forget Everything that you think you know."

"Don't do anything I would do, and definitely don't do anything I wouldn't do. There's a little gray area in there, and that's where you operate."

"I have a terrible idea!"

"Filthy? She has no idea. If we had a black light, it would look like a Jackson Pollock painting."

“Boom! You looking for this?”

"How we deal with disappointments is what decides the person we are."

"What is grief, if not love persevering?"

“I thought you were smaller.”

"I'm not hugging you."

"Don't waste it. Don't waste your life."

“I told you, I don't want to join your super-secret boy band.”

“The price of freedom is high, it always has been. And it’s a price I’m willing to pay. And if I’m the only one, then so be it. But I’m willing to bet I’m not.”

"Hope. It's all about hope."

“Yeah, the past won’t leave us alone.”

“You’re the head of security and your password is ‘password?'”

“Drop your socks and grab your crocs, we're about to get wet on this ride.”

"Whatever happens tomorrow, you must promise me one thing. That you will stay who you are, not a perfect soldier, but a good man."

"Being good isn't always enough to keep you alive."

"That's it? You murdered him because you could?"

"Oh, man, are we being mind-controlled to see that right now?"

"You will never be a god."

“When you said you would take me to California for the first time, I thought you meant Coachella or Disneyland.”

“Never let the enemy choose the battlefield. Always work from a position of strength.”

"Of course... We won the war."

“I’m not sure you understand the concept of a getaway car.”

"Does anybody have any orange slices?"

“You get hurt, hurt ‘em back. You get killed, walk it off.”

"Last time we saw you, you were trying to kill everyone. What are you up to these days?"

"Because that's what heroes do."

"Have you ever seen that before in a gift shop?"

“I can feel the righteousness surging!”

"There's chaos in you."

"You guys are breaking down walls, you're healing. It's important."

“Before we get started, does anyone want to get out?”

“‘Boh’ is my new superpower. It’s like the anti-Aloha. I was born to say this word.”

“Does he need CPR? Because I totally know CPR.”

"Every time something gets better for one group, it gets worse for another."

“You’re repeating yourself! You’re repeating yourself!”

"Are you always this rude to people trying to help you?"

“It’s alright, you could never hurt me. I just feel you.”

“The only decision I’m qualified to make is bourbon or more bourbon.”

“Today we don’t fight for one life, we fight for all of them.”

“Well, if you don’t have any nice words, I mean, anything nice to say, just, you know, lie.”

“I have nothing to prove to you.”

"Have fun in prison."

“Such a poser.”

"I don't flirt. I just say what I want."

“That's not a question I need answered.”

“Oh my God, that was really violent.”

“I made macaroni if you want some.”

"Just bury me in the ocean with my ancestors that jumped from the ships, because they knew death was better than bondage."

“I don’t like bullies. I don’t care where they’re from.”

“You think life takes more than it gives, but not today. Today it’s giving us something. It is giving us a chance.”

"There’s one thing in this world that makes me feel more alive. And that’s you."

“Let me tell you. That kid’s not even here yet and, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him.”

“Sometimes the best weapon in your arsenal is just a good argument.”

“What is this thing? Look how it thinks it’s so cool. It’s not cool to get help. Walk by yourself you little gargoyle.”

“I do what he does, just slower.”

“I can’t control your fear, I can only control mine.”

“If you try to escape, or play any sort of games with me, I will taze you and watch Supernanny while you drool into the carpet.”

“Everyone fails at who they are supposed to be. The measure of a person, of a hero…is how well they succeed at being who they are.”

“I would rather be a good man than a great king.”

“Sacrifice? That would imply I had something to lose.”

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redrobin-detective · 3 years ago

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the only ghost in Amity Park

Continuation of Half Of

______________________________________________

Only in Amity Park did the revelation that a local teenager was sorta, kinda a ghost just blow over in a few days. Sure, people still stared at Danny Fenton as he walked by and everyone was still wondering what exactly he was, but overall life had moved on. Star sighed to herself as she organized her notebooks, waiting for class to begin. Just another day.

Star herself really didn’t want to get involved in whatever was going on with Danny. She didn’t like him before he was a celebrity and didn’t plan on starting anytime soon. While Paulina still relentlessly, and vainly, pumped him for information on her dead boy crush, Phantom and he and Dash formed some weird macho bond or whatever, Star avoided him. He’d given her the chills since the day he’d walked into Casper High. When Danny’s secret had been exposed mid-attack, Star hadn’t been surprised. She didn’t need some ghost to tell her that there was something deeply, unsettlingly wrong with Danny Fenton.

Danny didn’t seem particular bothered, by his inhuman nature or by suddenly having his secret exposed. If anything, the nerd looked more relaxed than ever. Star had been watching him, they all had, but Fenton kept his ghostly antics to a minimum when in public. The occasional flash of green eyes when emotional, a grin of sharpened teeth. He made Mikey’s locker lock intangible the other day when the kid had forgotten his combination and he floated down the stairs instead of walking sometimes. It had been a week and it was frightening how quickly such strangeness had become almost normal.

“Alright kids, phones and notes away we’re starting class with a pop quiz. Hope you’ve all kept up with your weekly readings,” Faluca announced cheerily. The whole class, including Fenton, moaned and packed up their bags. Star supposed being an undead being haunting his own life didn’t make him immune from normal human problems. She was biting her lip trying to remember which antibody caused allergic reactions when she got an uneasy feeling. She looked up and was not surprised to see Danny Fenton looking around too. It had been a solid week without ghost attacks, looks like Fenton’s supposed vacation time was up.

Star stopped her writing and adjusted the bag at her feet to prep for evacuation. She briefly wondered what Fenton would do, what he could do? Did he also hunt ghosts, like his parents? Like Phantom? There were no blasts, no screams, no monologues but the dread increased when a ghost shield descended over them. Actually, it looked like it was just covering their classroom. Now everyone was looking up from their quizzes and out the window at the flickering, green shield.

“You’d think the administration would’ve warned me we were going to do a drill,” Faluca said but his voice was hesitant. Clearly this wasn’t planned so despite the lack of alarms, there was a good chance this was real. “Pencils down for the moment while I figure out what’s going on.”

“Mr. Faluca, I need to go,” Danny said, raising his hand. Star was so used to hearing the request she almost ignored him but the dread curling in her stomach made her look again. His face was pinched, sharp and his eyes burned with an icy fury like a sudden storm blowing in without warning.

“Mr. Fenton, I don’t think...” Faluca murmured uneasily. Danny frowned harder.

“It wasn’t a request, actually,” Danny said roughly as he stood up and began walking towards the door. He was almost there when the door slammed open and Fenton had no less than 3 ectoweapons pointed in his face. A few kids jumped back in alarm but Danny held his ground as half a dozen Guys in White agents entered the room and surrounded him.

“Spectral scum formerly known as Daniel Fenton, you’re coming with us,” one of the agents said.

“Danny not Daniel and it’s still my name,” Danny quipped, eyeing each of the government officials and their weapons. “And no, I’m not. I’m still alive, somewhat anyway, so I have rights. The courts backed me up.”

“Everyone who signed for your freedom doesn’t know ghosts like we do,” Another agent said so forcefully, some spittle flew out of their mouth and hit Danny’s cheek. Star watched it freeze and fall away the instant it hit his skin. “Your kind are too dangerous to wander around, you need to be contained and eliminated. Don’t worry, your parents will receive a sizable check as recompense.”

“I’m the one who needs to be contained?” Danny said slowly, evenly but there was a static to his voice that caused the hairs on the back of Star’s neck to rise. When she breathed out, she saw her breath was misting. Everyone’s was as the room temperature continued to plummet. “When you come in here and take hostages to threaten me?” Danny hissed, he took a step forward and his eyes took on a neon green glow. “You didn’t come to my home or on the streets, you came to take me in the middle of biology when I’m surrounded by civilians, kids.”

“You delude yourself into thinking you’re still human,” another agent scoffed. “Everyone knows ghosts are weaker when giving into their obsession.” Danny laughed, it was loud and mocking and like fingernails running down a chalkboard. Faluca, stuck in between Danny and the agents, was white as a sheet and gripping his desk like it was the only thing keeping him from collapsing.

“You know nothing,” Danny hissed, his voice barely recognizable as human. His hair and shirt floated in an invisible but angry breeze. Frost crawled up his arms and his face. Various ecto alarms were ringing on the belts of the agents and they started to look a bit nervous. He looked nothing like the kid who, minutes before, had clearly been struggling with their bio quiz. “You have no idea what you’re dealing with. You cannot come into my haunt and threaten my people to get to me. Protecting what is mine will always make me stronger!”

“This whole town is constantly under attack because of things like you!” One particularly brave agent said even as a few others had backed up. “Amity Park is on the verge of collapse because of all the ghosts!”

“There is only one ghost in Amity Park,” Danny said, he tilted his head, his black and white hair dangling in his face as he gave a sharpened smile. “There is only me and the ghosts I allow, ghosts who know the rules, who respect my authority here by keeping damage to people and property down. I am the only ghost haunting this town and why do you think that is?” One agent threw down his gun and ran through the open door.

“You’re-you’re a monster!” Another woman shouted, shaking as she stepped back before fleeing.

“I’m not the one who needs to threaten innocents to get to their target,” Danny sneered. “It’s a good thing you did though, I wouldn’t hold back if I wasn’t worried about collateral.” Another three agents turned tail and ran. Until there was only one left. His gun was still trained on Danny but his hands were shaking.

“You don’t scare us,” the agent trembled through the obvious lie having been abandoned by his comrades. “We’ll get you monster, if it’s the last thing we do.”

“Looking forward to it,” Danny drawled sarcastically as some of his horrifying aura dissipated along with the freezing grip on the room. Within moments Danny has settled back into more human form. While he’d been angry before, now he looked almost bored. At no point had he seemed afraid.

“You take your people and your equipment and you leave Amity’s borders by sunset tonight,” Danny declared resolutely. “If you have continued problems with my existence, you take it up with the courts. We settle this as humans but if you treat me as a ghost then I will fight back like one.” His eyes turned green again as a threat. As a promise.

“I don’t take orders from spooks!” The agent shouted, securing his finger on the trigger and preparing to fire. Star had ducked to avoid the blast so she missed exactly what happened. All she saw was the green glow and heard a strangled scream from the agent followed by a series of thumps. By the time Star had gotten back into her seat, Danny was aggressively pulling apart the ectogun with his bare hands. There was no sign of the agent and, around them, the ghost shield fizzled away.

“Jerks,” Danny grumbled, kicking at the remains of the ectogun he’d destroyed. “Sorry about that, Mr. Faluca. I knew they’d cause problems but I didn’t think they’d come to school.” Their teacher stared at Danny like a rabbit facing down a lion. “You okay?”

“Fine, Mr. Fenton, just fine!” Falcua grinned in a high pitched voice. “Shall we get back to our quizzes?” The bell rang just then and Danny did a little fist pump.

“Tomorrow then? After I get a chance to study more?” Danny asked with puppy dog eyes. It looked wrong on his face that had just threatened the government with bodily harm. Faluca just nodded dumbly, not sure what else to say. “Yes! I’ll pass tomorrow for sure. The attention kinda sucks but it does come with some perks.”

He walked back to his desk, ignoring the wide-eyed looks of the class when he stopped and gasped, his breath fogging in front of him. His lips pursed again with annoyance. A few people jumped in surprise as the Box Ghost, a familiar annoyance, poked his head through the wall.

“Child! Your requested reprieve is up and the Box Ghost is here to cause insurmountable square shenanigans!” He laughed heartily, stopping when the room temperature dropped again. Danny didn’t even turn to face the ghost.

“Your watch is off, Boxy. I have another 10 hours before I have to deal with you annoyances again,” Danny growled. “I’m feeling good right now, take advantage of it and leave in one piece.”

“Uh right okay then,” the ghost stammered, sinking back into the wall. “See you tomorrow.” Danny cracked his neck before he walked to his desk, grabbed his things and walked to the front of the room.

“Late bell’s gonna ring any minute, you guys should hurry if you don’t wanna be late,” Danny said as he left. Falcua’s strength gave out as soon as Fenton was gone and he hit the floor, one hand clutching at his chest.

“Jeepers,” Mikey surmised appropriately before stuffing his things in his bag and leaving as well. Star watched everyone loosen up themselves and begin gathering their things to leave. No, she would never like Danny Fenton but he and his ghost weirdness was just part of the deal now, whether they wanted it or not. Such was life in the most haunted city in America which was only haunted by a single ghostly entity.

#feral danny my beloved #i wasn't going to continue Half Of but I was Inspired (tm)#In an AU where Fenton and Phantom aren't known to be the same #Danny lets all his unholy elderich nightmare self out as Fenton and keeps Phantom as cute and friendly as possible #also Danny didnt kill the GIW agent lol #just intangibly threw the bastard outside and took his gun #I was inspired (obviously) by the implication of Danny being the only ghost to truly haunt amity #that any other ghost there is only there bc Danny allows them in #that you can come to Phantom's haunt but you must follow his rule or its Death 2.0 The Trauma Edition #also I lost my shit writing insurmountable square shenanigans so please appreciate it #I actually had two whole paragraphs on Star being sensitive to otherworldly things how it ran in her family #then decided that it kinda distracted from the story so i took it it out #but Its still somethng interesting #explains just why she dislikes danny so much (from what we saw in canon) compared to other A listers who tolerate him at least

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yesimwriting · 4 years ago

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playing vices

“A/n a blurb bc ive been working on my novel and ive missed writing for Kirigan :))

I am a fool that has played into her vices enough to make them addictions. That must have been Kirigan's plan. He knows that I don't agree with his methods. He is also much too aware of the fact that I am beyond attached to him. He plays into that fact often, lulling me to him whenever he feels that my conscious is in danger of driving a wedge between us.

Which is why I have become accustomed to falling asleep while running my fingers along his skin as he whispers things much sweeter than anything he would say while fully awake.

But now it's late and he's not here. I sit up, kicking the comforter off of me slightly. It seems Aleksander has been more and more absent these days. When he's not with me, the odds that he's doing something that hurts people are high. His absence is also starting to make me feel like he's losing interest in me. It would make sense considering the fact that he looked twice at me in any capacity has never seemed logical.

Maybe that's why we've never indicated commitment to each other. I don't know what commitment would be with him. He seems to grand to be considered a 'boyfriend', but there's something more than friendly about how he holds onto me. I've never cared for labels until I started feeling displaced.

"You're still awake."

I press my lips together, trying to seem a little calmer. "Couldn't sleep."

"Troubling thoughts?" The question is more weighted than it should be. Everything with him is.

“Has anyone ever called you dramatic?”

His lips quirk upwards, hinting at a smile. Warmth pools in my stomach, the way it always does when he lets me see the slight glimmer of light that’s still in him. Sometimes I think he only shows me this softness when he feels that I may pull away. It may be rooted in manipulative intent, but I know that it’s real.

“Only you would have the gall,” he says, voice low yet not dark.

Kirigan’s easiness coaxes a smile from my lips. A small one, but I can feel the way the crack in my tension feeds his confidence. He takes pride in slipping past the walls I only try to create when cautious or irritated. Today I’m both but I need to pretend like I’m neither. The more resistance he senses, the more forward and effective his advances become.

I keep my expression neutral. I’m sure Alina could get away with calling him that. I wish she was more unlikable. It would be easier to hide my irritation if I could blame that displaced feeling in my chest on two people. But of course Alina is wonderful, beautiful, and his equal.

Whatever. It’s not like we’re really anything. Every time I see him I wait for his betrayal. There’s nothing worth using me for, and somehow that makes me feel worse. He should have never looked at me twice let alone encourage whatever strange relationship we’ve created.

My silence seems to displease him because he approaches my bedside easily in quick yet patient strides. Now that he’s close enough to touch I feel some of the ice I managed to solidify melt.

Kirigan lifts a hand and places it on my knee easily. I stiffen instinctually, he runs his thumb over my skin to fight my resistance. “Who’s upset you?”

I breathe, forcing myself to ease. “No one has.” I don’t have to meet his gaze to know he doesn’t believe me. That’s the core source of our attachment, we can read each other with less than a look. “I’m just getting a headache,” not a full lie, “I’ll feel better after some sleep.” He squeezes my knee slightly, a soft way of asking me for more. “I don’t think I’ll be good company tonight.”

His hand leaves my knee, fingertips barely grazing my thigh as he moves his hand to hold beneath my chin. I still as he turns my head so that I have no choice but to meet his gaze. “You don’t need to be good company when what I want is your presence.”

I press my lips together to avoid melting into the promising pools of warmth that make up his irises. He spent all day with Alina, took Zoya’s side in an argument I had with her earlier this week, and now he comes to me late at night. He seems to only want to acknowledge me when we’re alone, and it’s not like I want more than that. I just don’t know how long my heart will be able to teeter the line between nothing and something. I’m a fool for having let it go on this long.

The only problem is that his steady stare is chasing away all of my rationality. “I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone more in the mood to offer their presence.”

My curtness leaves something behind his expression dull, the hint of a smile that was growing on him has now vanished. I am met with a stoic disposition I have never had directed at me.

“They’re not you,” he counters, voice edged by something I don’t understand.

That’s the point. They’re not me--I’m average. I can’t offer power and my relationship experience is basic at best. I don’t want to have this argument, not when I’m basically fighting for him to let me go when that’s not what I want.

I’m making it easier. If it hurts this much when I was only on the cusp of something, imagine the pain I’l feel if I let it continue. I turn my head away so that he’s no longer holding my chin. “Not a bad thing.”

“To me it is.” He doesn’t hesitate, my chest swells. His thumb brushes against my cheek, soft and comforting. “I’m tired,” he says this like it’s a confession. His admission hangs in the air for a long moment, as heavy and weighted as my heart. “If you’re angry, wait until morning.”

Something in my heart cracks. “I’m not angry.” My gaze drops, my thoughts struggling to come together. “I’ll be nicer to deal with in the morning.”

“Y/n,” his tone twists from distant to warning, “the last time you asked me to leave was when you discovered something you didn’t like.”

I almost wince at the way he’s worded it. When I found out what his real plans were, I told myself I had to leave. He skirted past all of my reservations and walls, twisting my doubt away through coddling whispers and shy brushes of fingers.

“This isn’t like that.” Not a lie.

He exhales slowly, the sound dangerously sharp. “Then what is it?”

“Why did you come here so late?” The question leaves me too sharply. I’m exposing too much but I can’t help it. “If you don’t want to answer, that’s fine.” My voice is flat. “I’m sure Alina will be happy to fill me in.” I can’t bring myself to take in his reaction. “And if she can’t, I’m sure Zoya will be able to.”

He’s silent for a long second. “Unwarranted jealousy doesn’t suit you.”

His confidence sparks something angry within me. “I am not jealous.” The most blatant lie of the night, but I don’t care. I turn my head to glare at him, “and don’t just tact on ‘unwarranted’ before something that’s true just because it’s easier for it not to be.”

I watch his expression cautiously until the slightest tilt of his lips adds to my anger. He’s enjoying this or he did this intentionally or both. “Darling,” he hums, voice soft, “you are the only person that makes me feel peace.”

My stomach flutters, the sensation threatening to break my weak resolve. “I am not particularly powerful,” I breathe, voice stiff, “or particularly...” How do I explain this all to him? “Anything.” He’s everything, and I am nothing but average. “I’m average at best, there’s no reason for you to want anything to do with me, and that’s fine--but don’t lie and pretend that that’s not true.”

The sentence is barely out fo my mouth before I feel myself pulled towards him by the collar of my nightgown. His lips are on mine before I can question where this is going. I kiss him back too quickly, but any effort I expend is returned fervently.

He pushes me back slightly as quickly as he yanked me forward. He doesn’t explain. I don’t ask him to. I should demand an answer and shove him away from me or pull him back towards me. But I do nothing. I just stare at him as he stares at me.

When the weight of the silence threatens to break something in me, I force myself to speak, “Kirigan--”

“Aleksander.” The name is soft and so fragile I worry it will shatter in the air before it can fully reach me. “You know there’s much I’m not ready to say, but that,” he exhales, the sound so sad I want to reach for him, “that is the one name I have not given to myself and I want you to have it.” Something conflicted crosses his features. “I would never give that to someone average.”

Emotion swells in my chest, heavy yet not painful. “Aleksander.” I’m not sure if I’m trying to call to him or if I’m just trying to feel his name--his true name--on my lips.

His eyes widen, something unbearable behind them. He moves the hand holding the collar of my nightgown to my cheek. I lean into the contact like a fool as his eyes flutter shut. “Say it again.”

I don’t hesitate, “Aleksander.” I lift my hand, fingers hesitant to find their place on his cheek. “Aleksander.”

He sighs into both the contact and the name. “You’re the first thing I’ve allowed myself to want,” his eyes open, but I cannot bring myself to meet his gaze, “I should make you feel like it.”

Something about the way he says that is sad. “I think that if it’s fair to say you were a little distant, it’s just as fair to say that I was a little jealous.”

Aleksander smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m tired,” he admits, “I’ll enjoy my victory in the morning.”

I roll my eyes, but scoot over to give him a place by my side regardless. “I’m not sure you won, I think it was more of a draw.”

He takes the space I offer quickly, never letting the contact between us disappear as he settles himself against my pillow. I let him pull me towards him. “This feels like a victory.”

I try to ignore the warmth in my chest. “You’re lucky I’m tired enough to find that endearing.”

I relax as his fingers trace shapes I’ll never know about onto my back. “I agree.”

#shadow and bone #grisha #shadow and bone fic #shadow and bone fanfic #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bone imagine #sab imagine #general kirigan x reader #general kirigan #general kirigan imagine #aleksander morozova #aleksander morozova imagine #aleksander morovoza #aleksander morozova x reader #aleksander morovoza x reader #the darkling #the darkling imagine #the darkling x reader #the darkling x you

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cherriesfineline · 4 years ago

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Au Pair – Chapter I

It's finally here – I'm sorry this took so long, this past few weeks have been a mess but here it is, our first chapter for the Au Pair series; I kinda hate this, ngl- I always hate first chapters, a lot of introductory info and bla bla but yeah.

In the weird case you happen to enjoy this and want to be added into the taglist (starting next chapter) you can request it here.

Feedback, likes or reblogs are so, so appreciated! I'm very much new to the whole writing world so yeah it'd be really helpful to hear your thoughts about this <3

Love you all, have a wonderful week beauties!

Warnings: none specifically for this chapter – age gap.

WC: 6.6k

Masterlist

Y/N was tired, to say the least.

And it wasn’t the tiredness she used to feel after a long work shift at her previous job -where her boss was an old, grumpy lady with horrible manners- or the exhaustion felt after spending hours crying due to a fight with her mother. No, this was different. It was a tiredness she couldn’t get rid of; a tiredness no lavender smelling bath or hours upon hours of sleep could amend.

She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment her brain shifted in such a drastic way. Y/N could easily recognize and admit her life had never been an exciting one; a memorable one. Ever since she was a little girl it all seemed to fly by; graduations, birthdays, friendships – nothing ever seemed to leave an impact and nothing ever seemed as exciting as everyone else put it to be. She knew she struggled with allowing herself to enjoy things, but this far her life had been pretty average.

Maybe it was the fact that she was 22 years old and never been in a real relationship what skyrocketed her fear of dying alone. Now, she knew it might seem exaggerated – 22 years wasn’t a long life at all, but the pungent emptiness she’d been feeling felt like her inevitable destiny – like that’s how life was supposed to be for her.

England felt different, though. But in all honesty, her emotions hadn’t had switched into completely different ones like she’d expected to happen when she applied for this job as an Au Pair all the way back in February.

With a steaming hot cup of coffee between her cold hands, she sat down next to Coco (a very soft grey Scottish Fold) on the giant couch of her new home, scratching in between his tiny ears earning a low purr in response. Coco had become one of her closest friends so far, along with Anya, a three year old girl with cute blonde locks and a laugh so contagious it made the muscles on your cheeks ache after a long playdate.

Maybe moving away wasn’t the smartest choice. It actually might be one of the stupidest choices she had ever made, actually – moving all the way across the globe when she cried herself to sleep most nights due to her loneliness overcoming her (almost inexistent) self-awareness. Y/N liked to believe she had a wide understanding of her emotions, but it was a blatant lie.

At least she was distracted for most of the day – taking care of two kids and looking after a teenager wasn’t an easy task. It required a lot of mental presence; but by the time she was in bed at night, it all hit back again. She thought maybe this is how life is supposed to be for her, lonely – maybe it was not her brain playing her tricks but her brain making her see how her life truly was.

It’d been two weeks since the Lockehold family picked Y/N up from the airport, and on one side getting physically adjusted to this new life hadn't been as rough as she thought it’d be. She did have it easy, if she had to admit – a big room in a giant, beautiful home and a car to her disposal. Emotionally, on the other side, life was still the same.

She knew the moment she heard heels hitting the cold marble staircase Bella was on her way down with Ivy, the eldest of the three sisters, following close behind, complaining about a hangout she was apparently going to miss because they “are expecting a guest” as Bella announced, meaning neither of her parents could drive her. That’s how Y/N found herself sitting in her (borrowed) blue Jeep Renegade driving Ivy to her friend Lily’s house – who lived in the same rich, over-the-top neighborhood as her guest family, which meant the ride to and back was no longer than twenty minutes. During those minutes together, though, Y/N could physically feel the irritation running through Ivy’s blood because first, she still wasn’t too fond of Y/N because she is 16 and doesn’t need a babysitter -her words, not Y/N’s- and second, Y/N is still not accustomed to driving on the other side of the road.

Technically, Y/N had the weekends off. Living with the same people who employed her gladly didn’t mean working 24/7, but she hoped she could earn a couple of points in her favor if she took her free time to drive her around.

After a short conversation between the two (where Ivy refused to save Y/N’s number in case an emergency came up because she could always call her dad), Y/N dropped her off and drove back to the Lockehold’s. What caught her off guard, was the sight of someone in the driveway at the house next door getting suitcases out of the trunk of a black cab – there hadn’t been any movement in the old Victorian mansion since she’d moved in next door. A man, definitely very tall, dressed in a dark suit is all Y/N could decipher since it was already dark outside and she had to strictly concentrate on not switching to the opposite side of the road out of habit.

Alex was coming down the stairs when Y/N locked the front door – Bella’s husband was a very handsome man for his age, probably anyone could admit it. He was kind of scary sometimes, but was a true sweetheart on the inside; he’s in his mid-40’s and it was clear as day his family meant everything to him, he even treated Y/N like his own daughter, always making sure she’s comfortable and inviting her to most family hangouts – even though Y/N declined pretty often to allow them to have quality time as a family (and because being too socially involved drained her, but they needn’t have to know that)

“You wanna join us for dinner? We have a guest tonight. A family friend.”

“Oh, no, I'm good, you guys enjoy yourselves. I’ll say hello, though.” Y/N replied with a smile; and as before mentioned, even though she had the weekends to herself, they still loved to insist on her joining them for fancy dinners and whatnot. The Lockehold’s loved being hostesses, loved having people around (from what Y/N learned this past two weeks) but she really wanted -and needed- some time for herself after being with them the entire week, and even though she loved hanging out with them, she just wasn’t in the mood tonight.

“You sure? Bella made homemade pasta, from scratch. Her specialty.” Mouthwatering, Y/N thought. Bella was such an amazing cook, and even though she worked hours upon hours every day, she still came to her husband and kids in time to make dinner every night, not missing a single day.

“Sounds delicious, but I think I’ll pass, I’m just really tired.” And before anyone could make another comment, the loud bell ringing through the main floor of the house startled Y/N as it’s louder than ordinary – and sounded kind of old and creepy, in her opinion. By the time the constant thud in her chest lowered to a normal speed, she could recognize Bella’s voice in the foyer, meaning she was the one who received their guest, with a deep voice following after saying 'thank you for having me'.

"He's here!" Alex clasped his hands together, a wide smile appearing in his face. Y/N followed him into the living room where Bella was already chatting animatedly with a man; tall and with broad shoulders (but not excessively; just the right amount) his figure was leaning slightly forward as he listened to Bella rambling about all the 'good things he had missed while he was away'. His hands were clasped on his back and when he lifted his head, he made direct eye contact with Y/N without even having to search for her eyes. His brown curls were perfectly placed on top of his head looking extremely soft, and when he ran his hand through it Y/N couldn’t help but swallow harshly. He undoubtedly looked like someone who belonged in Hollywood next to a young Leo DiCaprio and he was definitely older than Y/N – probably already in his 30's, she guessed, but ageing like the finest wine. He had the softest looking wrinkles in the corners of his eyes – those eyes, forest green; reminded Y/N of what used to be home for her. His intense gaze held a lot of emotion, a lot of thought, unlike his face, that appeared stiff and cold, with a slight crease between his brows. His pink, heart-shaped lips were pressed in a line, a cute mole adorning one side of his chin.

"Harry! It's so good to see you, we've missed you." Alex's excitement forced him to drift his gaze away from Y/N, leaving her like a heated teenager salivating for him. Y/N honestly thought he might had left her speechless and most likely with increasing probabilities to make a fool out of herself if someone needed her to talk, as she was certain she wouldn't be able to formulate any coherent sentences.

Harry. It totally suited him, Y/N repeated his name a couple of times inside her head to check on its pronunciation. Alex reached him and pulled him in a big hug, patting each other's back, and Harry's lips broke into a huge smile making a line of pearly white teeth appear. And dimples. God, he had dimples.

This is how I die, Y/N thought.

"So good to see you, Alex." If sex was a sound, his voice would definitely be it.

"Your skin is glowing, Harry. Italy always does you wonders." Bella gushed. And she was right – his skin had this beautiful golden undertone, but it looked natural and radiant, almost like the sun itself kissed and caressed his skin with the softest touches. Alex snapped Y/N into reality when he turned to face her and grabbed her hand to pull her closer to them, starting a long introduction no one was paying much attention to, explaining how he’d missed her arrival, like he even cared, and how she was the Au Pair they’d all been talking about ever since February. It wasn’t until Alex mentioned something about Y/N and Harry probably seeing each other a lot she was suddenly interested in what was actually going on.

“He owns the school the girl’s attend.” Alex directed towards her. Now, Y/N assumed the moment she laid eyes on him he was probably rich – who wears a suit to a Sunday dinner with friends? Rich people are weird, that’s something we can all agree on; but owning a school which’s monthly fees per kid were worth three of her salaries? That was quite unexpected.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Harry." Y/N offered him her hand, trying to sound as casual as possible, even if her skin felt like it was burning under his intense gaze and her eyes were definitely betraying her.

"The pleasure’s all mine, Y/N." He shook her hand. His strong hold sent shivers down her spine; the cold rings making a big contrast against the heat his hand radiated and she couldn't help but fantasize about how his touch would feel in some other places.

The sudden embarrassment feeling hot against her cheeks made her turn around impossibly faster, feeling guilty at the dirty thoughts consuming her brain while around her bosses – and in front of him. Making a beeline straight to her room, announcing she was calling it a night, she sent Harry a quick -but quite charming- smile, and couldn’t help but soften at the sound of Anya running down the stairs yelling an excited ‘Harryyyy’ once she was past the kitchen.

She knew she got lucky with her commodities – an entire studio-like apartment past the main kitchen of the house, where the servant’s area used to be located a handful of decades ago; but she cussed in a whisper when she remembered half way through her making of a sandwich (four hours after she’d retreated to her bedroom and because she decided on skipping dinner that night, not having enough energy to cook) that her lazy ass still hadn’t bought mayonnaise. Her small kitchen had enough space to hold her snacks, along with some ingredients to make a few meals, since she only had to worry about food on the weekends. Reluctantly, she took the small plate holding her sandwich and made her way towards the main kitchen. There was no way in hell she’d eat a sandwich with no mayo – never in a million years, too dry to go down her throat.

I guess they won't mind if I grab just enough to put on my sandwich, she thought. The house was quiet, everyone probably already in bed, therefore she almost pissed herself when she found Harry sitting in one of the kitchen stools, looking down at his phone with an annoyed expression adorning his face. Almost as if he could sense someone was in the same room, he looked up to find Y/N standing at the kitchen threshold, his face abandoning any sort of emotion.

"Hey."

"Hi." Y/N walked towards the fridge on the far right of the kitchen, opposite from where she came in. "Sorry, I thought no one was here."

"Don't worry, just waiting for Bella and Alex to come back down to have some tea, they're putting the girls to sleep. Would you like to join us?" He offered. And honestly, she'd love to say yes and just listen to him talk with that deep, melodic voice, but her stomach was really hating her right now.

"I'm good, just grabbing some mayo. Thank you, though." She declined with a small smile.

"Next time." He sounded more demanding than suggesting, which slightly baffled Y/N. "Can I ask where you are from?" He asked respectfully.

"A small town in the Argentine Patagonia." Y/N replied with her back facing him as she busied herself with the mayonnaise container.

"Never been to Argentina. Or anywhere in South America, actually." And when Y/N turned around, sandwich in hand ready to go back to her room, their eyes met across the kitchen and she felt the heat creeping up her neck for the second time that night. Y/N wondered how his gaze was always this intense – she wasn’t a fan of how they’d barely exchanged a few words and somehow she felt so exposed.

"You should. It's beautiful." She almost, almost, choked on her own words and when she looked down at her fuzzy pink socks and back to him to try and calm her growing nerves down, he surprised her when she caught him looking up and down her body – in any other case she definitely would’ve felt creeped out, but there was something about him, the fact that he definitely didn’t do it with the intention of her catching him (she noticed how he shifted uncomfortably on his seat after the exchange) and how he simply added a “I’m sure it is," afterwards, she knew she was fucked right then and there – she wanted him looking at her. Was that something bad?

But then – then she remembered how she was wearing her soft cotton pajamas, and she began wondering if he was just laughing internally at her outfit instead of checking her out like she initially thought. And just like a save from heaven, Bella and Alex appeared in the kitchen discussing who was picking Ivy up from her friend's house. "Hi Y/N, still awake?"

"Yeah, got hungry. Stole a bit of mayo, hope you don't mind." She shyly held the plate up.

"Please, this is your house too." Alex waved her off.

"Thanks. Gonna go back now." Y/N pointed towards the small hallway that led to her room. "Goodnight." Turning her body to walk away, she caught Harry's eyes, again, still staring at her, but decided on simply walking away, breaking eye contact, making that small interaction their last one for the night.

The following week consisted of Anya and Y/N playing lots of fun games, trying to get a word out of Charlie and Ivy ignoring her for the most part. Her relationship with each of them was completely different, each trusting her at their own peace, getting used to having a stranger around. Anya seemed the only one openly excited to hang out with Y/N every day, and even though she could tell Charlie didn't exactly mind her presence, she still hadn't talked to her as much as she'd like her to.

"What are you up to, Charlie?" Y/N asked the seven year old as she sat next to her in the big playroom they had on the main floor. Charlie kept her gaze locked on her drawing with a handful of crayons on her right hand as she drew with her left. "You're left handed? That's so cool!" Bella had mentioned some time ago that Charlie had a really hard time letting people in, Y/N knew it'd take some time for her to see her as a friend -like she wanted her to- rather than someone who gets paid to hang out with her, but Bella confessed Charlie was actually really excited to meet Y/N, which felt like a small relief, knowing she actually wanted her there – unlike Ivy. Charlie spoke only when necessary and struggled with making friends but her psych pedagogue said she's just really shy and that ‘once she breaks out of her shell, she's unstoppable’. "I love the birds you drew here." Y/N pointed at some small birds sitting in a tree branch.

"Bluebirds." She murmured.

Getting a single word from her was considered progress, in Y/N’s opinion, but that’s all she got for the entire afternoon – even after constantly sending comments her way while playing with Anya so Charlie wouldn’t feel left out, not a single word came out of her mouth. Anya mentioned Harry at some point while talking about her favorite doll (which Harry had gifted her for her 3rd birthday) and the flash of captivating green eyes almost blinded her internally (she couldn’t deny she’d thought about Harry every once in a while this past week)

And it wasn’t until later that same day, after spending a long while sitting alone in a nearby park, she got the chance to see him again – even if he had scared her (almost) to death, she couldn’t help but feel an annoying flutter in her stomach.

She would like to say she loved her long walks during the most unreasonable times at night, but her reasoning behind her late night needs of distraction didn’t exactly thrill her. It was during the quietest and most peaceful times of the day when her mind seemed to speed faster than ever before; the sleepless nights and brain-wrecking thinking of how alone and empty she actually felt, along with the laziness and reluctance when it came to things that used to make her happy weighed her down like carrying a sack of potatoes on her back.

As she was walking past her neighbor's house (the one where she had seen that man with the suitcases last week) she noticed someone sitting on the large porch. Weird, she thought. She hadn't noticed any movement in the house since that night a week ago, to the point she even considered it being empty again. The silhouette seemed oddly familiar though she couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

"Y/N." She slightly jumped as she heard them call for her, in a strong and deep accent. Was that...

"Harry?" She asked befuddled. Did he live there? She watched as he stood up from his sitting position on the outdoor couch and walked across his front yard to take a closer look at him stopping at the bottom of the short staircase that leads to the porch. "What are you doing up so late?" And then something clicked in her brain – he was probably the man she saw that night, with his suitcases. It made sense, how he probably got home from vacation the same day he had dinner at the Lockehold's – the same day Bella mentioned something about him being in Italy

"Can't sleep." He simply replied, with a small sigh. He then nodded to the seat behind him, and Y/N could physically feel her brain going a thousand miles per minute. She sat on the far left of the couch as he retook his seat on the right, "what are you doing up so late?" He repeated her question.

And Y/N repeated his answer. "Can't sleep."

So they sat in silence, what felt like hours barely being a few seconds. "Didn't know you lived next door." Y/N took the time to take in his side profile - sharp and long nose, the tip curving slightly downwards when he spoke the next line.

"Never mentioned it." He replied apathetically. The unexpected switch in his tone made her immediately shut up, and even though it confused Y/N as to why he would want her joining him if he didn't want to talk, she was dreading going back to her room alone to drown in her thoughts again. She'd take uncomfortable company over being alone when her head got like this, it helped her get distracted; overthinking this situation instead of the same scenarios that constantly lived in her head.

They again sat in silence for a while, this time for longer than a few minutes, and even though it was slightly uncomfortable, there was an unspoken understanding between them. He just wanted company, and so did she. This time, however, it was him who tried for conversation. "Why did you choose England for your Au Pair program?"

"I was actually convinced I was going to choose France," Y/N shared with a soft tone, "but when I met the girls in one of my interviews I just knew I had to come here. Anya was so excited about meeting me, she thought it was already settled." She ended with a small smile on her lips. The memory of Anya smiling happily at her through the computer screen even when she hadn't had met her yet warming her heart.

It was true, the fact that she’d chosen England because of the girls. She wanted to learn French – she knew her way around the English language pretty well; but the French family whom interviewed her didn’t come close to the Lockehold’s at all – she thought maybe the experience of living in a whole different continent with a wonderful family was better than choosing a place because of the language – the experience was being experienced either way.

"Anya is a very special kid. They all are." Harry declared, the left corner of his mouth turning upwards in a small half smile.

Y/N nodded slowly before asking, "How long have you known them?" She could recall Alex saying he was a family friend – but she had no other information about him besides that.

"A while." The small conversation went for a long while, he shared the real reason as to why he was awake so late, explaining how he has struggled with falling asleep ever since he was young, but besides that comment, he kept his life very private; not sharing much information about himself during their chat, and every time Y/N reciprocated a question, he would either answer vaguely or didn't answer at all, changing the subject with another question. "It's really late" He commented, Y/N’s phone reading 1:08am.

"Yeah, I should probably go to bed." She lifted her head to look at him, who was already searching for her eyes. Y/N cleared her throat when a few moments passed by, again, with no one speaking a word. She wondered what could possibly be going through his head at the time, but he nodded, got up and said, "I'll see you around, Y/N." Her name flowed so nicely out of his lips it made her knees get weak. Locking herself in her bedroom (after entering it by the door at the side of the house – which leaded straight to her room) she laid in bed trying to understand why they’d just hang out in his front porch way past midnight when they clearly didn’t know each other very well – or at all, better said.

First day of classes came by in a heartbeat. The first Monday of September Y/N found herself getting up earlier than she was accustomed to, since the girl's sleeping schedule was different during the summer. 6:15am read her alarm when she lazily threw the soft covers off her body. A quick shower and minimal makeup application later, she stood naked next to her bed checking the weather app, as to know how to prepare the girl's clothes.

After putting a soft pink sweater on and a pair of flared jeans, Y/N left the warmth of her room to wake the girls up. Going for Charlie first (since she didn't need any help changing into her uniform and Ivy used her own alarm) she didn't give Y/N any work at all, waking up immediately after softly calling her name once. Picking her uniform from her closet and leaving it for her to change, Y/N left Charlie’s room to walk towards the next door.

"Morning, Anya." She whispered as she brushed some of her hair out of her face. Anya’s little nose scrunched up and a soft whimper left her mouth as she switched positions, now laying on her side, "gotta wake up, love." Y/N shook her arm softly, and she finally opened her eyes, a tired smile creeping up her face as she noticed it was Y/N sitting next to her. Y/N left her to rub the tiredness off her eyes while she picked her clothes (since her daycare was at the same school her older sister's attended -Harry's school, Y/N couldn't help but think- her uniform consisted of only a white t-shirt with the school logo along with any pair of bottoms she chose for the day.

After picking up her cute small rain boots and help her get dressed up, Y/N did a cute hairstyle on her with the small butterfly hair clips she chose, and went back to Charlie's room to do her hair, Anya coming along.

They arrived at their school; a big, period-like brick building with hundreds of students roaming around and a beautiful fountain at the front – which actually made Y/N’s childhood look like a big joke; the school she had attended was located in the middle of the mountains in a remote field.

"I'll be here at two thirty. Good luck, girls, I'll see you later." Ivy walked away sending a 'mhm' her way to let her know she heard her, and Charlie offered a small smile along with a wave and walked away like her sister. Y/N took Anya off her car seat and helped her get out of the car, her tiny backpack sitting on Y/N’s right shoulder as she grabbed the hand Anya offered her.

"Mommy said I have the penguins' classroom!" She said with excitement as they walked through the doors at the right wing of the building.

"That's so cool! I love penguins, let's search for the door which has penguins on it, shall we?" Y/N suggested even though she could clearly see their door at the end of the hallway.

"Yes! This one has elephants," she pointed at the door they were passing, "look, butterflies!"

"Like your hairclips!" Y/N exclaimed, and she giggled nodding her head. "Ah! Look what we found..." Y/N pointed at the next door.

"Penguins!" She skipped towards the door, dragging Y/N along. They entered the big and colorful classroom where they found some kids crying in their parent’s arms, others being as excited as Anya.

"Hi there! Anya, am I correct?" A woman who appeared to be around Y/N’s age came up to them, scrunching down to be on Anya’s eye level. She nodded frantically, excitement dripping from her smile. "My name is Miss Pia, I'm going to be your teacher this year." She introduced herself, Anya gave her an even bigger smile and slyly asked if she could go meet her classmates, to which Miss Pia agreed, asking her to first hang her small backpack in the rack at the back of the room, taking it from my hands and running excitedly to do it.

"You must be Y/N, then?" Miss Pia asked, getting back up to her feet. She was short with blonde curly hair sitting high in a ponytail, rosy cheeks and a cute teacher apron on top of her regular clothes.

"I am." Y/N offered her hand.

"The administration office said we would be having an Au Pair this year, they always give us a heads up with situations like these." She explained, and Y/N nodded as she continued, "we have the parents, nannies or in this case, Au Pairs," they both laughed," stay for the introduction, you can leave afterwards."

"Perfect, I'll sit at the back with the rest of the parents." Y/N ended up staying for about half an hour, smiling at Anya every time she turned to search for her when something exciting seemed to be happening. She won't be needing any adaptation, as Miss Pia said, and she was dismissed right before they had their first trip to the playground outside, taking advantage of the fact that it hadn't started raining yet.

Right when Y/N was walking out of the building, she spotted Harry at the main entrance, reading something on his phone. He was wearing a navy blue suit with a white shirt underneath, and he looked even more handsome in the daylight. She made her way towards him, walking up the marble stairs (marble stairs! In a school?), and when he noticed her, he put his phone away and slowly (and trying to be as discrete as possible – which he failed to, again) looked up and down her body. Something about him giving her his full attention made her insides burn, and she couldn’t help but bit her bottom lip to suppress a smile.

"Hi." She stopped in front of him, taking a moment to look at his eyes; they definitely looked a lot lighter now that there was natural light surrounding them.

"Hi." He repeated, "Dropped the girl's off?" He motioned towards the building with his head.

"Yes, just left Anya’s classroom." She shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

"Miss Pia?" He asked, squinting his eyes.

"Yes. She's nice, looks like she knows what she's doing." Y/N shrugged. She didn't exactly know her enough to have a conversation about her – and she most definitely couldn’t be one to talk, since she herself didn’t know what she was doing half of the time. “How’s the first day back been so far?” He got cut off from his next comment by his phone, and the small crease between his eyebrows grew deeper, which didn’t go unnoticed by Y/N. "I'll leave you to it." She announced, but his eyes found hers again, and it was almost like he was asking for her to not leave him to it, but Y/N didn’t trust her instincts, not with him – not when he made her so nervous her brain couldn’t process things around him, and she was scared of misreading his expressions; he was hard to read. Not like she was expert at reading people but he was frustratingly confusing.

They didn't see each other again until a week later on a Tuesday evening – the same day Charlie, Anya and her decided to go for a walk and treat themselves with ice cream from a cute shop across from (what had come to be) her favorite park, Harry and Y/N found each other's eyes across his front garden, just like that night, but this time it was easy for her to recognize him as she could see his face clear and glowing from the sunset shine. His eyes were glued to her until the fence that divided their houses blocked his view, and again, Y/N wondered what could be going through his head.

It wasn’t until after dinner, past her work hours, she decided to leave the house through the door on her room with the sparking curiosity to test if she would run into Harry. Stopping on the sidewalk in front of his house, she noticed he was not sitting outside, and even though that's exactly what she had expected -he was not going to sit there for hours and hours, right?- There still was a small feeling of disappointment that rushed through her, and when she snapped back into reality, it was too late to stop herself as she knocked on his front door.

And Y/N didn’t know where to hide – not like hiding would be less embarrassing but God she did hate herself that moment. The embarrassment running through her veins was painful and made her lightheaded – she knew she had trouble sometimes with not thinking things through, but this was beyond her. He barely knew her. And suddenly his door was wide open.

"Y/N?" Of course she was not lucky enough for him to be asleep and not hearing her knock – life would’ve been too in her favor for that to happen. Of course he was very awake with a half drank cup of tea in his hand and the softest looking pair of grey sweatpants hanging low on his hips. "Are you ok? You look really pale." His voice was calm, probably the softest it'd ever been in her presence. At least he doesn't sound mad, Y/N thought.

Harry wanted to be confused, but he was more curious than anything else. For some reason, he felt very intrigued by Y/N – how she seemed confident but insanely insecure at the same time; it reminded him of himself, if he had to be honest. He just learned how to hide the latter.

"Uh, yeah- um, I was-" she nervously turned around halfway to look behind her and back at him again. He raised his eyebrows in curiosity and Y/N really tried her hardest not to step over her words. "I was about to go for a walk, uh, I was wondering if you'd like to join me?" Stupid. So, so stupid, Y/N thought.

"No, I'm good." He replied, finding oh-so-amusing the way her eyes gave her embarrassment away – he was having fun, watching her like a lost puppy trying to think through her next words.

Her mind was, of course, over speeding. She now felt even more embarrassed. Of course he doesn't want to go for a walk, Y/N conscience spoke to her, it's a Tuesday night and he's probably tired and I'm his friends' Au Pair – he probably thinks I'm this young and annoying girl who has a stupid crush and- "would you like to join me?" He interrupted her self-beating up raising his cup and she noticed the half smile adorning his face, almost like he could tell the wheels in her brain were fast-moving.

"Wouldn't want to interrupt-"

"You're not. I wouldn't have invited you in if you were. C'mon in, now. It's kinda cold out here." He disappeared inside of his house, leaving her on his porch with an open mouth and a blank brain. After closing the door behind her and taking her black vans off, she turned on her left as she guessed that was the way Harry went – and she knew she’d guessed correctly when she stepped into a big open-plan concept living room with a giant kitchen on the far back, Harry standing with his back towards her preparing her tea, "sugar?"

"No, thank you." She sat in one of the stools at the kitchen island as she took the scene in front of her. Her very cute (and much older), very hot neighbor Harry, in sweatpants and a very thin white shirt, a small patch of skin showing on his hip, making her tea. His shoulders were broad and she could see his back muscles moving as he poured steaming hot water into the cup, the little curls on his neck so inviting, if only she could run her hand through his soft looking hair just once-

"There you go. Cardamom." He snapped her out of her (probably inappropriate) thoughts, and she thanked him as she grabbed the cup from where he placed it; he stayed in his position standing in front of her on the other side of the island, with his forearms against the cold marble, sipping on his own mug, thinking about how strange it felt to have someone he wasn’t close with sitting in his kitchen after so long. "Why are you up so late?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"I figured. I couldn't either, looks like we both have a bit of sleeping issues, huh?" He sounded playful, but tired. Y/N knew exactly how it felt, being so tired but not being able to peacefully go to bed and get some needed rest.

"I remember you mentioning it before, I figured I'd check if you were up. Walking helps me relax, thought maybe you'd enjoy it too." OK, that wasn't entirely true but her reasoning to be there was quite similar – to check if he was up so they could, maybe, share a quiet night like that one a few weeks ago. None of them understood why they found such comfort in each other’s company – none of them felt like they needed to try too hard.

At some point during their conversation they moved to the couch, where they laid with a wide gap between their bodies. "Elton John's was definitely an interesting read. Lots of crazy anecdotes, you should read it."

"Probably not as good as Keith's, but I'll give it a go." He let a dimpled smile creep into his face, turning his head to look at her from across the couch and the annoying turn her stomach made obliged her to return it, just as bright as his. Finding out their music taste was quite similar made Y/N’s insides all warm and fuzzy, he showed her his vinyl collection (which was quite large) and ranted about how the modern industry was missing a rock star with some of that unexplainable essence old rock bands have – to which she respond saying maybe that something that makes them special was the fact that they were old bands... added to the fact that even though she was an old music lover, modern pop was her guilty pleasure.

Their third teacups were long forgotten on the modern coffee table by the time he noticed Y/N’s eyes were slowly beginning to close and he, as last time, said, "it's really late." And Y/N only nodded and tiredly got up from her position, with him following close behind.

"Goodnight, Harry. Thank you for having me even though I came unannounced." She shyly said, her actions still making her embarrassed even though it had already been a couple of hours.

"My pleasure. We should- do this again," He coughed into his hand, and uncomfortably continued, "I enjoy your company." That sentence alone made her heart explode with a thousand emotions, because even though they barely knew each other and it clearly pained him to admit he enjoyed having her around, his presence made her calm but anxious in a peculiar mixture of emotions. All she did in return was gift him a big smile, face hot of embarrassment (a nice kind of embarrassment, that feeling when you just want to smile really big and tightly hug whoever is making you feel that way) and slowly pushed herself up on her tiptoes to give him a sweet kiss on the cheek. "Bye." He said lastly, and closed his front door with red cheeks and dimples on display.

- Joey.

#AP #harry styles writing #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles smut #age!gap harry #my writing

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djino04 · 2 years ago

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Phantom pain (Saundreas)

Author note : No beta for this one, the mistakes are mine.

Theme : Saul suffers from phantom pain after Farah’s death

POV Andreas :

I am currently on the training grounds with the third years and Saul. We decided to teach some classes together to combine our strengths and develop the students' skills as much as possible. Truth be told, we wanted to split the years between us but neither of us wanted to leave Sky's coaching to the other. He could have trained him for 16 years, he could have left it to me this time... But we finally came to this compromise.

Speaking of Sky, I watch him fight with Riven and see that they both improved during the year. Not that Saul would disagree, always holding back isn't the best technique for learning, even if it leads to fewer injuries. But when they are really in danger, they had better know how to fight to their full potential. Otherwise, they risk more than just a sprain. Saul is a little too overprotective of his students and everyone else, actually.

I watch the groups fight, making a few comments here and there to correct a few flaws, and I realize that I haven't seen Saul for a few minutes, which is surprising. I look around for him and find him sitting on a bench a little ways away, one hand on his chest and his head bowed. Despite the distance, I know he's trying to take small breaths as he waits for the pain to pass.

He has been suffering from phantom pain since Farah's death, a sudden pain that invades his chest for a few minutes before leaving as if nothing had happened. The bond between fairy and specialist is so rare that there is little literature about it. It's even rarer for the specialist to outlive the fairy, which makes it a little more difficult to research. But Ben continues to look for something that might help us relieve Saul even though there is little hope of finding anything.

I meet Sky's gaze, who has also figured out the situation, but I wave him off to continue practicing as I make my way to Saul. Third years are experienced enough to be without real supervision for a few minutes.

I grab a bottle of water as I pass by my bag and come to sit next to Saul, my shoulder touching his and my hand lightly rubbing his back. I don't make any additional gestures because we are outside and I know how uncomfortable Silva is with gestures of affection in front of students. Anyway, there's not much to do but wait for it to pass. Sometimes the pain stops after a minute, other times it takes almost half an hour. Unfortunately, I think it's a bad day today.

I stand there, continuing my stroking of his sweaty back and listening to Saul's gasping for breath as he struggles with the pain. I know that in addition to the physical pain, he must be experiencing the reminder that Farah is gone for good. I can't imagine how he must feel when I've never built a bond with a fairy. He once told me about what happened on his end when Dowling died, about the pain he felt. He felt like he was dying when he was in that truck and the guards did nothing. They just watched their prisoner suffer without even moving a finger. And they were not under Rosalind's mental control. If I ever cross paths with them, they will pay dearly for the harm they did to Saul during his transport and then during his time in prison.

The man next to me finally takes a deeper breath and I know the worst is over for today. I finally look at him and see the lines of pain on his forehead, the sweat covering his face and his unusual pallor. I hand him the water that I uncorked before without a word. He takes a few long sips before handing it back to me and murmuring:

"Thank you."

I know he's not only thanking me for the water but also for coming to join him here on this bench. Even if I couldn't help him, I could at least make sure he knows he's not alone.

I place a quick kiss on his temple and tell him:

"Go back to our suite, take a shower and lie down. I'll finish the class and meet you there."

Normally, I know he would protest both my gesture and my leaving the students behind, but he's too tired for that. So he simply nods and stands up. I follow him with my eyes until I'm sure he's gone back into the castle. And then I get up and head to the training ground, shouting:

"Riven, watch your footwork! How many times do I have to tell you?!"

#fate the winx saga #fate winx saga #saul silva #ftws #fic #saundreas #andreas of eraklyon

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dwlrmoon · 4 years ago

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Astrological Analysis: I.M "Duality"

An astrological analysis of I.M's solo album "Duality" & how his astrological placements manifest through the songs. Changkyun said that he poured his entire soul into this album, so I thought it'll be really cool to dissect the songs in the astrological lens because I'm in love with his artistry.

REMINDER

Observed & analyzed through western tropical astrology; we are missing information due to lack of confirmed birth time, so I can only deliver using the traditional 7 planets (mainly the personal chart) without a house system.

DUALITY

Having the album entitled "Duality" with songs expressing this topic (esp. the title track) reminds me of his Aquarius placements, mainly the Sun. I.M has his Sun in detriment, meaning that his Sun is "weak" or uncomfortable in that sign. As the sister sign of Leo, Aquarius symbolizes celebrities, fame, the star in tarot, as well as hopes & dreams. Aquarius can represent notoriety & infamy while simultaneously having the stereotype of the loner or outsider, not wanting to be perceived or "understood."

Using traditional rulership, Aquarius is ruled by Saturn who also rules Capricorn. If Capricorn rules authorities & conformities, Aquarius is the rebellious younger sibling refusing to conform & rather revolt, deviating from the norm. I.M placed his artistry in precedence; convincing SSE to use God Damn as the title track despite the profanity requiring him to release this album digitally in addition to him creating the tracks in his own style that may or may not be in line with k-pop or Monsta X.

GOD DAMN

In true I.M fashion the song & MV are very concupiscent, & since I already talked about the duality that is expressed through this song, let's talk about the MV specifically. Pisces rules escapism & addiction & his Pisces Venus was very on brand to go with alcohol as the imagery of getting high to hide from his frustrations. This piece is highly self-reflective & he encourages listeners to read between the lines, it's quite Saturnian in nature. I also love how the lyrics have that duality of hating & loving whoever/whatever that is ruining/comforting him—I really associate this with his Martian Moon (him assigning Misbehave as the song that represents him is so... Aries Moon).

HOWLIN'

No more taming 'bout my color I swing 'till I get, what’s the problem? Problem I ain't follow simply what I see I go follow what I need 'Cause I see that I'm loyal Imma go on my speed, even I'm slow

The 1st verse reminds me a lot of his Saturnian + Martian energy—no more wanting to be someone he's not, doing his own thing without care of what others may think. However, the last 2 lines really highlight the fixed modality of his Aquarius: I love that he says he's loyal even if he goes on his speed which can be slow; he doesn't care as long as he gets there.

I don't celebrate 'till I make it till the end Ain't time for the 'hol up' You want me be a shade but I'm made for a big wave Ain't time for the 'hol up'

This song has a lot of Saturnian themes esp. the chorus. It reminds us that Saturn rules time—he doesn't succumb to the challenges & distractions or "hold ups," rather focusing on his goal & only celebrating once he reaches the mountaintop. Saturn is karmic, it takes its sweet time to give you your rewards that you must work laboriously for. He knows he's made for something bigger (Aquarius), & with his perseverance (fixed), determination & passion (Aquarius Mars + Aries Moon), he will be rewarded despite all the struggles (Saturn).

Don't call me, I'm drivin' I just wanna keep on ballin’ Even though when you are hatin’ Woah Grab me when I'm fallin’ 'Cause I make myself so lonely You know that I'm howlin'

However, Saturn can be extremely isolating & Aquarius is akin to the underdog. Of course we don't know where his placements are, but his Pisces Venus contributes to that isolation. He feels lonely & he knows that, but he inevitable makes himself lonely which Aquarius natives can do when they develop that mentality of me v.s. the world sometimes. Keep in mind that Aquarius rules community yet the outsider, showcasing that wanting to be alone while wanting someone to be there for him. Saturn is burden & he's a lone wolf used to being alone carrying all that burden himself.

BURN

The night has become cold and now it's a meaningless fight I don't wanna waste my time on the past time Endless shot, let me head to the top I don't wanna waste my time on the past time Burn the accumulated emotions, burn Burn everything without leaving anything, burn

An Aries Moon anthem? I find that Aries placements love having fire/burning imagery if not in their songs then in their MVs. Aries is Martian, cardinal & fire by nature, which means that Aries Moons may get irritated fairly quickly—a quick temper? But they get over it super quickly, kind of like blowing off steam & then letting it go right after. The Moon rules our emotions, & I think the lyrics speak for itself here. The allusion to the fight is very Martian as well.

I'm mixed and complex, yeah I don't know myself well, eh Yesterday I couldn't empty it out, yeah I'd rather burn it, yeah The tears that fell are oil Make the flame burn higher Pour it out, no more regrets Burn it all up and high, yeah

I really enjoy I.M's introspective & intrapersonal nature; he always says he doesn't know himself well & accepts that rather than fighting it. He accepts all facets of himself, & that's very refreshing. The 2nd verse made me chuckle a little bit because the first 2 lines look Aquarius while the rest is Aries. Not to mention he has an Aquarius Mars conjunct Sun, so, more Martian energy there. Cardinal + Martian give me that attitude he portrays very well in this song—throw some more oil, let it burn more so that there'll be no regrets. Another Aries placement who wrote something like this? Yoongi.

HAPPY TO DIE

I could die right now, yeah I can never lie, yeah You bring me to sky Let me be yours till I die When you say goodbye, yeah Bury me on your heart, yeah Don't you say that word Could you keep it till I die? You brought me back to the real love I wanna get lost here forever

There is so much to unpack in this little song... The chorus is a mixture of Saturnian commitment & Aries headstrong, passionate reckless energy motivated by his romanticist Pisces Venus. The title itself, the whole concept of this song, is fundamentally Pisces (his DSC would be really cool to talk about here, if we had the birth time, but we don't, so).

We're childish like we were when we used to play back then I let go of rationality as if I'm drawn by the wind I don't know what this feeling is Even if I try to pretend I don't know, everything seems to be obvious, yeah I don't know, I like it the way it is I don't know me well, I don't know I guess it's not a lie that I really like you I'm happy to die right now

Verse 1 truly has my heart in a grip. He has a rational & intellectually-minded Saturnian Mercury & Sun, yet once he's in love he gets enamoured & childish, rendered completely irrational. It's giving me Aries meets Pisces—of the moment, idealistic, just overwhelming emotions taking control of his Saturnian mind, which I find funny because he has Moon square Mercury.

Things of mine might go away and shape Will just change, but don't you change When I'm low, could you make me not alone? I could die right now if we were just this crazy about each other

Pisces is sentimental & can represent past lives, that feeling of being stuck in the past? Pisces Venus is visionary & idealistic, they're more in love with the idea of love than love itself sometimes. Here we see that theme of isolation again, his Aquarius could play a role here, but his Pisces placements are also desperate to be loved. The last line, like said before, is utterly Pisces because Romeo & Juliet is known to be a Pisces type of relationship, plus with that Aries Moon... it just makes sense since Aries Moons love the rush & passion.

시든 꽃 FLOWER-ED

Somehow I have no strength to resist I stay right where I am It's not like I'm longing for someone But I'm standing there

Personally loving how his songs gradually grow more & more Piscean? The overwhelming emotion of yearning with no one to long for is so Pisces/Jupiterian Venus in general. Like I said, they're idealistic & in love with the idea of love more than anything—not the happy kind of love either. I notice that Jupiterian Venuses play with the theme of wanting a lot, mainly because they are ruled by the planet of expansion. Distance is a huge theme in Jupiterian signs, & they idealize that.

When you step on me like it's nothing I desperately want you to come back and hug mе I deeply remember your smilе that laughed at me While I was being illuminated by you

Because Pisces placements love the idea of love & the feeling of longing for someone they can get into the habit of sacrificing themselves, hence their association with the hanged man in tarot. They are too focused on the fantasy of love to take off their rose tinted glasses.

I don't really blame you I know your days by my side Have faded away Please don't disappear, oh

The hand that held me, the eyes that captured me are all blind The scattered hands, the shining eyes are gone

I don't know what else to say here, like, I think you guys understand how these verses really depicts his Pisces Venus very well... With a Venus conjunct Saturn it can really emphasize isolation & rejection as well—this aspect feels like they are deprived of love, so they crave it desperately even if it hurts them which is a theme of Pisces. Him titling this track "withered flower" in Korean is so Pisces Venus of him overall.

#i.m #changkyun #im changkyun #monsta x #kpop astrology #monsta x astrology #changkyun scenarios #monsta x scenarios

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snowlily95 · 4 years ago

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Aerith in light of healthcare provider

So, I've wanted to write an analysis about Aerith in light of her medical viewpoint for quite a long time but only recently got the chance to complete it. It is well known in the game that Aerith is the healer of the story. She possesses a great MP with a limit break to heal and buff people which greatly affects your gameplay. Of course, you can equip others with Healing and Prayer materias to render them useful for healing as well. But story-wise, no one can take away Aerith's status as the healer. We know in canon that Aerith provided herbs to the Sector 5 slums doctor to create medicine. And if you finished the Corneo Stash side quest in Chapter 14, you can return to the church and see a couple of elderly sitting on the pew praying. And when you come closer to them you'll hear them talking about how they didn't see Aerith around and they're sure she's alright and probably be around healing people. You know, since the Sector 7 plate just fell. (Even though Aerith is not alright actually coz she was kidnapped by Shinra by this time) Point is, we are fed by the NPCs on how much Aerith had helped around as a healer. She had been doing this for years.

While being in denial about who she actually is, being a healer had always been implanted in her. She is used to it. When you're used to being a healer, there's a certain level when you have a different reaction compared to others. The way you think is different. Apart from that, she's also a Cetra. And we knew for a fact Cetra had a certain affinity towards souls who are returning to the Planet. Meaning, as much as she is used to healing others, she's also used to sensing death.

My whole point is that being a Cardiac Anaesthesiologist and Intensivist as I am, I can totally relate my position with Aerith, as we both have constantly helped people and encounter death on daily basis. While I'm pretty confident that the majority of these might be coincidences (because I'm pretty sure there are no doctors in the SE team), I thought the coincidences are pretty cool to ponder upon and I'm amazed at how the subtle differences between Aerith's reaction to events from other characters.

I'm gonna ignore the meta part of Aerith, mainly because I'm not discussing how much Aerith knew, and if there was anything in jeopardy of what she knew whatsoever. So we're gonna focus on the fact that she is used to healing and feeling people's death. People who are used to death on daily basis had a certain unique view on life and death. And that affects how we act upon facing them too. While this is evident throughout Remake, I'm gonna focus on the plate drop event to be more concise. I will also use Tifa as a comparison to make it easier to see the difference between the reaction of the two. Let’s start!

1) Aerith is quick in emergency situations.

When you are used to people dying, you developed a certain immunity and you are able to have a sound mind and composure at the sudden change of event. As healthcare providers, we face stable situations turning into critical real fast. And we have a switch in our minds that turns us from standby mode to rescue mode. This is exactly what happened to Aerith when Don Corneo revealed Shinra's plan to blow up Sector 7's support pillar. Tifa is part of Sector 7. It is her home. Which is why her reaction showed how she was super devastated, she slowly stood up and muttered "They wouldn't..." because she couldn't believe it. Aerith? She had that switch in her mind, and she immediately turned and say "Come on, guys! We gotta go!". She switched into that critical mode in a second. It helps that she's also not personally connected to Sector 7, and thus her judgment was not as impaired. Of course, they both switched into the critical mode in the sewer, but it was at the moment of revelation that made it different. Just like how healthcare providers switched at the moment of revelation that their patients are at the brink of death—you immediately jumped into rescue mode.

2) She plans for the worst.

Remember after they defeated Abzu and Tifa started to question Corneo's information? She didn't want to believe it, because it didn't make sense to destroy your years of efforts building the plate just to get back to a small group like AVALANCHE. Think about the money they put in to build it, they're gonna have to put them all again. In fact, along their way out of the sewer, Tifa voiced out multiple times how this had been bothering her. But I'm intrigued with Aerith's reply "If he's telling the truth, then we should go. And if it turns out he was lying, then so what?". This here is exactly what doctors do. We plan and prepare for the worst. And if the worst didn't happen, then so what? If you ever had life-saving surgery, your doctors would tell you "You need this surgery coz you might die. But if you do the surgery, there's a high chance you'll survive, but there's a small chance you'll die too". And we prepare for that small chance that our patients die. No, we don't let our preparations lacking because we hope they'll survive. We prepare for the worst outcome possible and get all the equipment ready in case they'll die. If they didn't, then so what? It doesn't mean our preparations were futile efforts. It only means we were prepared. And that line of Aerith seriously hits home to me.

3) She hopes for the best.

Before they crossed the water sewer, Tifa once again voiced out how she couldn't stop thinking about what Corneo said, and she was still hoping that he was lying. And then Aerith said, "The future isn't set in stone". (Again, I'm gonna ignore the meta part of Aerith) And then she proceeded to set up that small date with Tifa. Believe it or not, this is actually what we do during bad calls. We'd talk about what we would do after all this ends; we'd go out dining, or playing games/darts, or go drinking, or whatever it is that makes us happy. Just to keep our minds calm and to allow us to hope for the future, even if it's just a few hours away. It gives us hope and courage to go on. We plan for the worst, but we hope for the best. The more critical the situation is, the more you need to be level-headed. And needless to say, after this point onwards, Tifa is much more calmed down from her struggle to keep herself focus.

4) She follows orders.

This might sound weird to some, but the ability to cast away your worry and focus on what you can do, instead of what you should do, is important in emergency situations. You need to know what you don't know. You don't get in the way of your comrades. If you're not good at intubating, you don't insist to intubate in emergency situations just because you wanna help. Seriously, you'll just make things worse. When Cloud, Tifa, and Aerith were attacked before climbing up and out of the sewer, Cloud asked both Tifa and Aerith to keep going. Aerith immediately answers "Okay" and left—without a single but. This is significant because it shows that Aerith knew she'd be better off leaving. She doesn't need to offer help, coz her help was not needed. This is not the place where she could help. The ability to recognize this is very important for healthcare professionals. Tifa was a bit more reluctant to leave, but that's probably because she is a martial artist in-game. Also, the fact that Aerith could still joke "We're not delicious" is just so real lol! Yup, we joke sometimes when we're facing deaths—doesn't mean we lose focus in saving the dying person in front of us, don't worry. And then it happens again when they reached Sector 7 when Cloud asked them to stay with Wedge as he goes up, Aerith immediately answered "sure"—because she can "patch" Wedge up, it's where her abilities lie. This is even more accentuated when an injured Wedge argued that he can still fight when he clearly can't—making this point even more obvious. Aerith is someone with a healthcare mind, Wedge was not.

5) She supports her comrades emotionally even when she’s worried too.

When they reached the surface, they spotted a Shinra helicopter. Cloud assured them they're only on patrol. Aerith turned to Tifa and said, "Don't worry, we'll make it in time". This moment is also very iconic to me. As I mentioned, I'm an anaesthesiologist. We are the support doctors to surgeons and physicians. Those moments when we're operating on AAA surgeries and the patient is losing liters of blood and literally dying, we're pumping bloods in with our hands and get those Level 1 machines operating, and the surgeons would be panicking because it keeps bleeding? Yep, I did say it before. "We'll make it. Just concentrate on the surgery and don't worry about the bleeding", even though I'm sweating and dying here trying to keep the patient alive. But I pretended to be calm in front of my team and cheered them on. Because the whole team needs to keep calm. If one of the team loses hope, then bid your chance farewell. As an anaesthesiologist, we're almost like the anchor in the room. People look at us to know if everything's alright. I need to tell them it's alright, so they need not worry. Aerith knew Tifa is worried. And she tried to keep Tifa calm with reassurance. Even if she probably freaked out herself.

6) She doesn’t discriminate.

After they defeated the ghost at the haunted maintenance facility, Cloud tried to kill it, and Aerith didn't let him. When Cloud said that thing was dangerous, Aerith said she knows and added "but even so..." she didn't feel right about killing it. (Let's ignore the fact that the Ghoul was a lonely creature for now) It then goes to drop the train wreck which almost killed them had it not been for Cloud. Now this would have been avoided had Aerith let Cloud killed it—maybe. But here's the thing. When you're hyper-aware that people are dying left and right, you value life more. No one deserves to die, even the worst criminal in the world. You're a law-abiding citizen? You're a criminal? It doesn't make a difference to us. I know this is something super hard to comprehend. But technically only when the law subjects the criminal to the death sentence that a person should be left to die. I've been a doctor for eleven years, I was a prison doctor for two. I had the first-hand experience of dealing with criminals. It's not my job to determine whether they deserve to die or not. It's not my call whether they will turn a new leaf had they lived. I know this is something others find difficult to relate to and agree with—happens to my non-medical family and friends. The verdict to us is simple. It's a life. It's worth saving. Period. (Technically the ghosts are dead though but my point still stands)

7) She tries to her best abilities and lets go of what is out of her control.

Tifa's emotions are tampered with again when they confirmed Shinra was going to drop the plate when they overheard the Turks conversation. Her voice shook, we can literally hear it. Aerith's response was "all we can do now is keep moving". And she's right. When they reached Sector 7 and the Whispers were preventing them, she said "we have to get past whatever it takes". And later on, Tifa left to help Cloud and Barret, and Aerith agreed to get to Seventh Heaven to ensure Marlene's safety. Wedge had a short mental breakdown when he realized he was no good to anyone up or down the crime scene. And Aerith told him "We can still save a lot of lives", "That's no excuse to give up", "I need to know I did everything I could". Her encouragement helped Wedge save more people. Some argued, did she not care about the lives that already died? Now here's my point; no, we don't. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but really. What can we do for people who are already dead? Nothing. What can we do for people who are still alive? Everything. And this is the core of being a healthcare provider—we prioritize. Yes, we're also humans. We can get emotional when our own friends and relatives die. (Aerith might not be as calm had it happened at Sector 5) But when we put the healthcare provider cap on, we mean business. That is why when disasters happened, and we triage people with a black tag? That's when we know we couldn't do anything for them. We don't mourn at the black tags. We move on to the other tags instead. So that we know we already did everything in our power to help. And yes, it doesn't matter even if we lost more lives than we saved. It's worth it, even if we only saved one person out of thousands of deaths. Just like how Aerith saved Betty in Sector 7. That one life is worth it.

#Aerith Gainsborough #Aeris Gainsborough #ff7 aerith #aerith #aeris #FF7 Remake #final fantasy 7 remake #final fantasy vii remake #ffvii remake #ff7remake #final fantasy vii: remake #final fantasy vii #Final Fantasy 7 #FFVII #ff7

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lofitojii · 4 years ago

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IMAGINE: This is Goodbye

…*☆*……………………………………………

Summary: The feelings just aren’t there anymore, and though it’s the thing that breaks you, you have to let go.

A/N: so here’s a sad post. I’m feeling pretty down lately due to things that are going on so I decided to pour it out here. Sorry for the angst but also not sorry hahaha.

…*☆*……………………………………………

Dabi:

Things had been off for a while, you could feel the tension rise as the bickering turned into full on arguments. It was over the little things too, everything had seemed to set him off. No matter how you felt, he acted as if he didn’t care. You couldn’t take it anymore, the feeling inside of you visibly tearing you apart. The love you had once felt for him turned into fear, fear of setting him off or making him upset. You were tired of walking on eggshells, you needed to confront him, understand why he was so short with you.

“You don’t love me anymore, do you?” You asked, approaching the dark room you had shared with the man for so long. It was cold, empty, nothing but tension filling the room.

“I do love you,” he sighed, running his hands through his hair. “I don’t know… I just..”

“I can’t do it,” you interrupted. “If you keep treating me like this, I can’t do it.”

Dabi got up from his spot on the bed, slowly approaching you. “I’m sorry Y/n,” he whispered, pressing his lips to your forehead. “I loved you but now? I… It’s not the same.” You knew it was coming, you knew where this conversation was going to go, yet it ripped your heart in half. You felt the tears swell, the lump in your throat being held back by your urge to fight the tears.

“Then leave.” Dabi didn’t respond after that, he did exactly what you told him to do. He grabbed his coat, put on his shoes and made his way for the door. You sat there on the bedroom floor, bringing your knees up to your chest as you waited to hear the door click but it felt as if it was never coming. Dabi let out a sigh, his head hung low.

“Thank you, Y/n. For letting me love you.”

Hawks:

He had grown so distant, being spacey with you, leaving you on read, ignoring your phone calls. You knew he was busy but this was so unlike him. You wanted to confront him, call him out on being a bad boyfriend but you held it back. And for what? This wasn’t the Keigo you knew, not the one you had fallen in love with so long ago. This was a side you had never witnessed, something you had feared of since day one. You could tell he was trying to grow the gap between you, and eventually you just gave up trying to mend it. This time, you couldn’t keep quiet anymore. You had to confront him, ask him why, know why he was treating you like this.

“You’re different,” you cooed, sadness lingering in your tone. Kiego sighed, running his hands stressfully through his hair.

“I know,” he replied quietly.

“What’s going on? You’ve been so distant, you’re short with me,” You tried your best to remain calm, knowing that this conversation was going to go a different way.

“I.. I don’t know,” he lied. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You already have, Kiego,” you whispered. “Whatever is going on has already hurt me. Just be honest, there’s nothing left you can say that won’t hurt at this point.”

“I can’t do this anymore,” he finally admitted. “It’s not you. I loved every second I had with you. I just… I don’t want this anymore.”

“Is it because of me or because of something I did?” You could feel yourself choking on the tears but nothing was coming out. You were numb, unable to express yourself.

“Not at all.” He lifted his hand to your cheek, wiping away a tear that had escaped. “You were wonderful. I just.. I need to be alone right now.”

“Then go,” you finally spat. Kiego sat there for a second before letting out a sigh and removing himself from his spot. He put his coat on, unable to look at him while he did so. You didn’t even want to say goodbye, you couldn’t. So instead, you just let him leave, letting you finally feel that pain you were pushing away for so long. It was over, it was really over.

Shinsou:

He was usually so good about checking in, or even responding to your silly little questions. But something was off. He was ignoring your calls, leaving in the morning before you got up, coming home late after you had gone to bed. Things were off and you were too nervous to confront him about it because he was very defensive about situations like that. You were tired of the confrontation, you just wanted to stop hurting. So you finally did it, you told him you wanted to talk and he agreed almost immediately.

“So are you going to tell me why you’ve been so distant?” you confronted right off, getting straight to the point.

“I’ve just been trying to work out these feelings, I never meant to upset you.”

“Okay, but you did,” you confirmed. “I’d rather you just be open with me instead of having me try and guess how you’re feeling.” He looked stressed, like he just wanted to escape. You could tell something was on his mind, something holding him back. “Shinsou, you’ve always been straight forward with me. You have always told me how you felt when you were feeling it so I know something is wrong.”

“Y/n,” he finally whispered, avoiding eye contact. “I love you but… I’m not in love with you. I never wanted to hurt you. I’ve just been trying to solve this problem on my own and I know I’ve been dragging you down with me.”

“If breaking up is what needs to happen, then I’m okay with it.” It pained you, his words felt like daggers. But you knew you couldn’t hold onto something that wasn’t real anymore. “I have only ever had love for you. I hope you find and understand what it is you’re looking for.” And with that, you left. You couldn’t sit there and lie to him about how you’ll be okay and that you were okay with letting go if it meant he’ll be okay. You loved him, more than you loved most things in this world.

But sometimes, when you really love something and they are trying to fly away, let them. If they hurt, they won’t be able to love you the way you need. And that’s what you told yourself as you left. You need to be loved the way you need and unfortunately, Shinsou couldn’t give that to you anymore.

Tamaki:

Sometimes you try and work things out with someone you love and sometimes you don’t, regardless of how you feel. You loved him with your entire being but you could tell something was off. Tamaki was very reserved when it came to his feelings so when he started to close himself off again, you knew he was struggling internally with something. You didn’t want to pry or bother him with loads of questions, but it had gotten to the point where you had no other option. He had been ignoring your calls, texts, declining your offers to spend time together. You decided to walk over to his place that night, unable to just let the situation simmer any longer.

“Can we talk?” You asked Tamaki as he stood there in the doorway, looking as if he was ready for bed.

“I um, I’m just about to go to bed.”

“It won’t take long,” you reassured. “Please?” He scratched the back of his neck as he moved to the side so you could walk in. He led you into his living room, taking a seat on the couch. “I..I’ve had a lot of time to think,” you stuttered, taking deep breaths in order to control your breathing. “And well, I think I’m just going to do it because I’ve tried and tried and I’ve gotten nothing in return. This really fucking hurts but… I don’t know.” Tamaki was silent, his focus on you. “I love you but I think it’s time we go our separate ways.”

“I’m so sorry, Y/n,” Tamaki pleaded. He rested his head in the palm of his hands, hearing inaudible sobs come from him. “I love you, I know I do but, I don’t feel anything for this anymore. I tried to tell myself over and over that I could make it work and that the feelings would come back…”

“It’s okay.” You found yourself crying now too, feeding off of Tamaki’s emotions. You lifted your hand, placing it on Tamaki’s shoulder. “I loved every second I had with you and as I leave today, I want you to know that no matter where life takes us, I will be there in the background supporting you through it all.” Tamaki let it all go, letting his emotions take over as he sat there and cried in front of you.

You knew he was sad but you could tell he was being genuine and that’s really what made it all the more hard for you to say goodbye. You will always cherish the time you had with him and can only hope that one day, he finds that sense of comfort and safety within himself and the one he chooses to be with in the future.

Bakugou:

He would simply ghost you.

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writing-wrxngs · 4 years ago

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Overnight Babysitting

(Heyo! Been a minute! I’m juggling like a shit ton of one shots along with the long form fic I’m desperately trying not to abandon so that’s why I disappear sometimes. Also being back with my parents is Not Fun so my vibes have been completely off for weeks. I do have something for you though! It’s fuckin massive too, it took forever lmao)

Phil turned to Techno and Wilbur one last time as he put on his coat to go. “And you’re sure you’ve got this?”

Techno nodded. “We’re sure.”

“Positive? I’m going to be gone all night.”

“We’ve got this!” Wilbur said, full of self assurance. “It’s not going to be much different than any of the other times we’ve watched Tommy.”

“Well yeah,” Phil agreed, “but it’s still a long time. I didn’t expect you boys to be alone this long ‘til you were older. This was unexpected.”

Wilbur scoffed. “We’re plenty old! Me and Techno are teenagers now!”

“Right, right. No matter what, I have to go so I suppose I have to trust you two,” said Phil. “You know everything you need to do?”

“Yeah,” said Techno. “We’ve got leftovers for dinner, keep Tommy entertained for a bit, make sure he gets ready for bed, put him to bed and get ourselves to bed.”

“And what does getting Tommy ready for bed entail?”

“Run him a bath, for one,” cut in Wilbur before Techno could answer. “Get him some clean pajamas and make sure he brushes his hair and teeth, then it’s bedtime.”

They actually remembered. Phil had been drilling that into both of the boys all day as soon as he found out he would have to leave, but he was worried they weren’t actually listening. It was quite reassuring really. By all means, leaving two thirteen year olds in charge of a child overnight was unwise, but it was necessary. Techno and Wilbur were capable boys. And clearly, knew what they had to do. Phil smiled proudly. “Alright, I actually think you two can do it now. I have to be going now,” he said. He called Tommy over and picked the boy up to give him a hug goodbye. “You be good for your brothers while I’m gone,” he said.

“I will!” said Tommy.

Both Techno and Wilbur knew that was a lie. They had been alone with Tommy before. As soon as Phil was out the door, Tommy would find some way to cause a problem for them. It was just in his nature. Neither of them could say anything about it, though. Instead, they shared the same doubtful silence and a glance of disbelief.

Phil set Tommy down, and opened the front door. “I should be back by morning, try your best not to destroy anything! Take care, boys!” He said as he left.

“We will!” Techno and Wilbur said in unison. Techno closed the door, giving one last wave to his father as he walked away into the evening light.

Wilbur leaned down to Tommy. “I know in a minute you’re going to become a thorn in our sides but can you do one good thing first? Run ahead and get the table ready for dinner. It won’t take me and Techno long to make dinner ‘cause we just have to heat it up on the stove.”

Tommy scrunched up his nose. “I guess,” he said, running off to the kitchen.

Watching Tommy run and disappear, Wilbur crossed his arms and looked at Techno with concern. “What do you suppose Dad meant by should?”

“Well, should typically means that it might not happen but he’s clearly fairly certain it will.”

Wilbur glanced to the direction of the kitchen. “And if it doesn’t?”

Exhaling, Techno paused in thought. “We deal. Act like everything is fine. Take Tommy to school, go to school ourselves, and go from there. If he’s not back by the time school lets out, then we worry.”

Shifting uncomfortably, Wilbur nodded in agreement.

“That’s not going to happen, though. He’s never not come back when he said he would. There’s nothing to worry about. What happened to the bravado you were showing off earlier?”

“Just a front, you know how I am. I don’t want Dad to worry about us. He’s clearly on some serious business. You’re right anyways. Like I told him, we can handle this, and I’m gonna prove that right now,” said Wilbur, shaking off the worry he had before. “Let’s get dinner now before the kid realizes something’s up”

The two joined Tommy in the kitchen, getting the soup that Phil and Techno had made from their garden vegetables last night and putting it on the stove.

“Look!” Tommy said, tugging on Wilbur’s sleeve.

Wilbur turned to the rest of the kitchen while Techno stirred the soup.

“I set the table just like you said! I even got matching bowls this time!” Tommy said proudly.

Smiling, Wilbur gently shooed Tommy away. “Good job, kid. Why don’t you sit down now, foods almost done.”

Tommy nodded and ran to his seat.

After that, the soup was done, and Wilbur sat down while Techno ladled out servings for the three of them. “Thanks,” he muttered to his brother.

Techno just nodded in response and sat down himself. “Careful Tommy, it might still be hot,” he cautioned.

“I know,” said Tommy. He blew on a spoonful of soup before eating it. After he swallowed he looked at both of his older brothers. “How come Dad had to leave all of a sudden?” He asked.

Both of them shook their heads. “He didn’t say,” said Techno.

Tommy shrugged in response. “Weird,” he said, turning his attention to dinner instead. He was only five, but he already understood his fathers idiosyncrasies. If Phil didn’t want anyone to know, nobody would be told, and that was the end of the story. It would work itself out, so why worry?

The brothers spent the rest of dinner just chatting and teasing each other, just spending time in each other's company without Phil there to reign them in. As much of a pain babysitting could be, it honestly was fun, just to have that freedom. Sure, Tommy’s usual little brother bothersome-ness increased without any real authority to stop him, but Techno and Wilbur could dish back out their older brother teasing more, too. Eventually, they all got done and piled up the dishes in the sink.

Wilbur stood at the sink. “Who’s on dishes tonight?”

“You, I think,” said Techno.

“Bullshit!” retorted Wilbur. “I did them last time!”

“No you didn’t!”

Wilbur stopped before he yelled back. “Wait, did you?”

“No, Dad said I helped out enough with dinner.”

“Then who did them last time? We’re the only ones who know how to wash dishes.”

“We’d know if Dad did because he complains when he does them,” said Techno.

“Did we-?” asked Wilbur, afraid to finish the sentence.

“Oh god,” Techno said, not needing the sentence to be finished. He checked the sink. “Well, the answer is nobody did the dishes and Dad’s been too busy with whatever’s got him occupied to notice.”

“Shit,” muttered Wilbur. “Split the work?” he suggested.

“Someone’s gotta watch Tommy.”

Wilbur shook his head. “No we don’t. He’s at that age where he thinks chores are cool because he can pretend to be grown up. We can rope him into this, easy. Watch,” he said, walking out to the living room, where Tommy was sitting. “Hey Tommy,” he said, putting on a grin. “Wanna help me and Techno with some big kid stuff?”

Grinning at the opportunity, Tommy nodded. “Yes!” he exclaimed, running out to the kitchen.

“Pull a chair up to the counter,” Wilbur said to Techno as he came in behind Tommy. “We’ve got a third set of hands.”

Techno did as he was told, and Tommy hopped up on the chair. “You know how to work this kid too well, Wilbur,” he joked.

“So what am I doing?” Tommy asked eagerly.

Tossing a dry dishcloth to Tommy, Wilbur said, “drying duty. I give you a dish, you dry it. Break one and we kill you.”

Tommy chuckled. “You can’t kill me ‘cause then Dad will kill you.”

“And it’ll be your fault we’re dead,” Techno said in response. “Let’s get to work now.”

The dishes eventually got done, with only one soap fight ensuing between them all somehow, and all the dishes clean. They were all dried too, and all unbroken, so no little brothers were murdered that night.

Checking the clock as he dried himself off, Techno turned to Wilbur in shock. “Wil. Tommy was supposed to be taking his bath like, five minutes ago.”

“What?” Wilbur said, also checking the clock. “Oh god,” he said.

Techno was already rushing to the bathroom. “I’ve got the bath handled. Get Tommy and get him clothes. If we hurry, we won’t be behind.”

Wilbur didn’t really have any choice but to agree. Techno had already set the plan in motion. The two of them had shooed Tommy off to the playroom while they finished cleaning up. He walked down, and found him there still, playing with some playset he had gotten for his birthday. Not even greeting him or saying anything really, Wilbur picked Tommy up, tucked him under his arm like a lumpy suitcase and went back out.

Obviously, Tommy struggled against his grip. “Wha- Wil!” he cried. “What’re you doing? Put me down!” he said, punching Wilbur’s ribs in defiance. “Wilbyyy!” he complained.

“You can’t baby-talk your way out of this, Tommy,” Wilbur said as he climbed the stairs. “We screwed up and now you missed you stupid bathtime.”

Tommy was finally released at the door to his bedroom. He scowled at his brother.

“Pick yourself out some pjs. Something you can dress yourself in, cause I’m not helping you and neither is Techno.”

“Fine,” Tommy said, running into his room. He returned with the clothes he needed.

Wilbur snatched them to make sure that they were a matching set, which they were, and that there wasn’t any reason Tommy would have trouble putting them on. No buttons, no long sleeves, all good. He gave them back to Tommy, and rushed him down the stairs to the bathroom.

By the time it took for Wilbur to get Tommy’s clothes and come back, Techno had filled the tub and already had the bubbles in. Him and Wilbur got Tommy in the bath and gave the boy his privacy after that, checking every so often just to make sure he hadn’t drowned.

Tommy came out of the bathroom, cleaner and in his pajamas. He still wore the same indignant expression he had from before. “Now it’s bedtime, right?” He asked, mustering up as much bite as a five year old could.

“Sure is,” said Techno.

“Wil, you didn’t have to pick me up like that,” Tommy said as he passed by the two and up the stairs.

Wilbur followed Tommy, as did Techno. “Well Tommy, the thing is, you have a penchant for being a brat and not doing as you're told,” explained Wilbur. “Sometimes it’s faster to just use force rather than try and talk you into something or fight with you.”

Turning back to Wilbur, Tommy said, “wait, what's a penchant?”

“It means you like something. Like how you like to change the subject when you’re being told off.”

Tommy just ignored that. He went down the hall to his room and waited for his brothers to come.

Techno and Wilbur just stood at the top of the stairs looking at him.

“Who’s gonna put me to bed?”

Both twins crossed their arms and looked at each other. Of course Tommy would pull something like this. “I handled the bath,” said Techno.

Wilbur sighed in annoyance. “You did. Fine. I’ll put him to bed,” he said, rolling his eyes as he followed his little brother into his room.

Tommy climbed into his little wooden bed and got underneath the sheets. He grabbed his favorite stuffed animal, a raccoon Wilbur had won at a fair and held it close. “Thanks Wilby,” he said.

Doing the obligatory tucking in, Wilbur couldn't help but let out a smirk. That kid knew how to press his buttons as much as Wilbur could press his. “No problem,” he said. “Aren’t you getting a little old for this though?”

Making a face in thought, Tommy nodded. “Yeah… but I wanted to tonight cause I’m kinda scared about going to bed without Dad. It’s lonely when it’s just us.”

“You don’t have to worry about a thing,” Wilbur said, ruffling Tommy’s hair. “He’s gonna be back before we even wake up, and me and Techno will be right in the next room ‘til then.”

Snuggling into his bed, Tommy smiled. “Okay!” He said. “Goodnight, Wil.”

“Night, Tommy,” Wilbur said as he turned out the light and left the room. He went to his and Techno’s room to get to bed himself. Or more likely, get in bed and stay up far too late for his own good.

Techno, who had already changed into pajamas and was in bed, looked up upon Wilburs arrival. Looking back down at the book he was reading, he greeted Wilbur but said no more.

Rifling through his dresser for a shirt to sleep in, Wilbur chuckled to himself. “Tommy’s something else, y’know? Poor kid just didn’t want to be alone at bedtime. It’s so weird,” he said, finding a shirt and changing into it. “You kinda just have to tell kids that it’ll be okay, but you don’t know that. It doesn’t feel like lying, though. It’s just… the right thing to do. You suppose Dad’s had to do something like that?”

Having closed the book due to Wilbur’s rambling, Techno nodded. “Well yeah, just think about it. I’m sure there’s dozens of things Dad’s covered up for us when we were little. We just don’t remember ‘cause we thought it was nothing.”

Wilbur got into his bed and hummed in agreement. “Oh, absolutely. I just think it’s odd how we don’t really think about it.”

“Well can you think about it quieter? I was reading before you came in.”

“There’s not much else to think about on that subject. I’m just gonna sleep anyways,” Wilbur said, taking his glasses off and putting them on his bedside table then rolling over to face the wall.

After some time, Techno too got tired, and set down his book before doing the exact same ritual. Glasses on the table, rolled over to face the wall. A mirror image.

The two fell asleep, despite Wilbur’s belief that he’d be up all night. Being around Tommy can be tiresome. They both slept peacefully in their room until a sound woke Wilbur up. Crying. Before he could get up himself, his sheets were ripped from him. Rolling back over, he fumbled for his glasses and put them on for a minute.

Tommy. He’d woken in the middle of the night, and was clearly upset. “Wilbyyy,” he cried, “I had- I had,” he hiccuped. “I had a bad dream and I can’t sleep.”

Annoyed, Wilbur pulled his blanket back up. “Tommy, you can if you try. Just get back in bed.”

The boy sniffled and pulled at Wilbur’s sheets in protest. “Nuh uh, I don’t wanna. I’ll be all by myself in there!” He said through tears.

Oh. Of course. The kid wasn’t scared of some dream he had or monsters under the bed. He was just lonely. Little brat melted Wilbur’s heart. “Lemme guess. You don’t wanna go to sleep alone?”

Tommy shook his head emphatically.

“Fine,” Wilbur said, already taking his glasses back off. He made some space on his bed. “Get in you little crybaby.”

His demeanor already changed, Tommy climbed in next to his big brother and snuggled in. “Thanks again,” he mumbled, already sleepy again.

“Yeah, yeah,” Wilbur said, also setting into bed. “Don't mention it.”

Finally, all three boys were to bed and asleep peacefully. Tommy wasn’t even a pain to share a bed with. Apparently, sleep was the only time that kid was completely still. Wilbur didn’t lose any sleep at all.

Like he had promised, Phil was back in the morning. It was still quite early, long before any of the boys would need to be up. He had stopped in the bathroom first, to get the first aid kit. His little trip had gotten him some bad injuries, but he could fix them up before any of his boys ever knew. And likely never would know. After that he went upstairs. It had been a sleepless night for him, and he was dying to see a bed.

Of course, he had to see if his kids were asleep first. Techno and Wil’s room was the first in the hall, and he popped his head in there first. Techno was asleep, his long hair splayed all around him and flowing onto his face. He looked over to Wilbur’s bed and couldn’t help but grin. Wilbur was asleep, a surprise of course, based on how sleepless the boy usually was, but there was another thing that took Phil by surprise. Tucked under Wilbur’s arm, fast asleep and smiling vacantly, was Tommy. For once in their lives, his sons weren’t fighting or getting up to something. Phil didn’t know what led to this moment, but wasn’t particularly worried with that. Whatever it was, it was just proof that his boys could handle themselves, and Phil was proud. Still smiling, he left the room and went to his own, collapsing onto his bed and finally sleeping himself.

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pips-fics · 4 years ago

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ask: can I request a sick jisung who is practically dragged back to the dorms by the members and he's so out of it that he starts saying things that make skz reassure and cuddle him? I live for fluff and angst lmao (also make sure to take care of yourself and don't stress about writing these late or anything! your health comes first, have a good day :)

tw: glass/injury/blood imagery (it’s a metaphor for guilt and not literal but somewhat graphic), self-loathing, vomiting

@anon who requested this: i have a very urgent fear that this is not what you were expecting when you sent this ask. if this is too heavy, please let me know and i will be happy to write you something else

@everyone: we’ve got some pretty intense trigger warnings with this one so please don’t hesitate to skip reading this one, it’s all very interwoven in this fic an it’s not worth risking causing yourself harm for

some days jisung felt like glass. glass that ached. sharp and dangerous and fragile all at the same time. he thought some of his members could understand this; others probably could not.

he did what he could to keep his distance. he spent his whole day locked in the studio, taking painkillers that hardly blunted his headache every few hours. a stress headache, he thought. all the more reason to be productive, for once, but he felt boxed in.

a tiny shard of glass in an illusory metal box, unprotected and suffocating.

words poured out of him and onto the paper, but none of them were good enough to use. instead, they pelted him like hail, each failure a knick in in his brittle skin. one of them would be enough to make him shatter.

distracted by the task of attempting to hold himself together, jisung forgot about the passage of time until the soft fabric of his sweatshirt began to feel suddenly and violently abrasive on his skin. his stomach churned, and, as his gaze landed on a clock reading half past midnight, he realized he hadn’t eaten anything for over 12 hours.

he made himself a bowl of instant ramen, and forced himself to choke it down, but his stomach only seemed to worsen at that. he was so tired. he nearly fell down the stairs on his way to throw out his bowl, but jisung couldn’t afford to go home yet, not when he’d barely made any progress at all.

he hadn’t expected to run into felix on his way back.

“are you going home soon?” felix asked, frowning when jisung shook his head. he tried to explain.

“i’m just stuck so… i have to figure this out before i give up on this song entirely.”

felix’s frown deepened, and jisung felt his glass soul crack further. “you can finish it tomorrow, right? you have time before the deadline, and you always get your assignments done on time.”

felix was really so sweet, jisung thought, and so supportive. he probably couldn’t fathom how big of a failure jisung actually was in his own mind.

jisung shattered.

“easy for you to say,“ he said. he was shaking, or shivering, his body cold but his rage red-hot. “you don’t understand, felix, that one day i won’t. one day i won’t get it done because i’ll run out of make-believe genius and everyone will realize that it’s all been just a game of pretend the whole time and i’ll—”

he broke off, choked up and nauseous. felix looked almost as sick as jisung felt. in a hushed voice, nearly a whisper, jisung forced himself to finish, the fight drained out of him at once.

“and i’ll have to admit that everyone would have been better off without me from the start.”

his eyes flickered to felix’s face, regret too small a word to describe his feelings about felix’s tears, even as it was all tempered by resignation. this was always going to happen. but that didn’t mean jisung was going to stick around and make it harder than it needed to be.

anyway, he still had work to do.

jisung doubted that felix would come looking for him. he believed he had made it pretty clear that he didn’t want to be found. he locked the door to his workroom anyway, and tried to get back to work. instead, felix’s expression of hurt flashed in his mind, again and again, sticking to him like blood.

it was disgusting, jisung thought, that felix had been the only civilian casualty of his explosion. it shouldn’t have mattered who it was, but at least if it had been someone like minho, or hyunjin, or seungmin, at least then he could’ve held on to the hope that they’d understand. at least they had the same kind of faux protection as jisung. felix was nothing but soft flesh.

all of a sudden it was too much to bear. sweat dripping down his face, jisung leaned over the small trash can next to the desk and vomited, and felt that he deserved it. he gasped and felt that he didn’t deserve the air entering his lungs, coughed and choked and sputtered until he threw up again and he sobbed. a pile of broken glass on the ground.

jisung didn’t realize that seungmin had entered the room until he felt a hand pressed to his forehead. he jerked away, struggled to speak as his body wouldn’t stop wringing gasping sobs from his mouth.

“how?” was all he managed, though it wasn’t what he’d wanted to say. why? didn’t you hear from felix what i did?

something like mischief briefly overshadowed seungmin’s expression of concern. “picked the lock,” he explained smugly. then he softened. “i can show you how sometime, if you want.”

jisung flinched. seungmin still thought of jisung as a friend - which meant that he hadn’t heard from felix. had he run into jisung by coincidence?

“i’m sorry,” jisung blurted out, realizing that this would seem nonsensical to seungmin only when he saw the look of surprise on his face. but then it melded into understanding, and jisung felt lightheaded, and wondered if all of this was just a bad dream, because nothing was making sense.

“can we go back to the dorm and talk?” seungmin asked. jisung avoided his eyes and shook his head.

“felix told me what happened,” seungmin said, and jisung pinched himself, because seungmin was speaking far too gently for this to be real. he didn’t wake up.

“then you should know - you should leave,” jisung said, trying to convey his urgency, but lacking the energy to do so. he resorted to pleading. “you’ll get cut - don’t you understand? i thought you would understand. i’m sorry.”

“sungie, you know we’re just worried about you? felix is alright.”

“but then—”

“i kept him out too late tonight teaching me dance moves so i sent him home first. he’s probably waiting up for you though.” seungmin started gathering jisung’s things, then, putting them in his backpack. jisung didn’t stop him. if he was just shattered glass on the ground, cutting everyone who took a step in his direction, the least he could do was let seungmin and felix get some sleep.

“you know,” seungmin said as they approached the dorm, “i don’t think you hurt felix in the way you think you did.”

jisung stayed quiet.

“do you know that the first thing he told me was that you had a fever and you were being mean to yourself?”

this made jisung’s steps falter, trying to process two new pieces of information at once. he supposed that explained why seungmin had been so understanding - and why it had taken so little for him to beak earlier.

seungmin grabbed jisung’s arm to steady him and didn’t let go. “of course i pried the rest of the details out of him,” he said, as if reading jisung’s mind. “i think he’s right. jisung, your worth is not measured by your productivity.”

this was, perhaps, the most groundbreaking piece of news yet. they had reached the door to their dorm, but seungmin’s grip on jisung’s arm tightened.

“you’re our friend,” seungmin said, as if it were a fact and jisung was a human and not a piece of glass after all. and seungmin’s mouth wobbled a little bit and jisung cried a little bit more and they both knew they’d never speak of this again.

jisung nodded, and it didn’t feel entirely like a lie. when they went inside and felix told him he loved him, jisung didn’t choke saying it back. a nagging shard of guilt remained when felix insisted on getting up with him when jisung was sick twice that night, but all of his sharp edges had dulled. soothed, for the moment, by the reassurance of felix’s calm breathing as he fell back asleep. that was the thing about breathing: it couldn’t help but be honest. a sense calm, content, and safety washed over jisung like waves until he, too, drifted off to gentle dreams.

——

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