#sometimes people just fall out of friendships
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Well, i want to ask, how is joe irl? Lol
Like how was the m&g interaction
Finally, an excuse to tell the whole story. I will spare no details, so buckle up. tl;dr he is the nicest boy on earth.
About thirty minutes before Joe's signing block began, me and some other fobbies had clustered at one end of the area. I was totally cool - and then someone said "oh there's Joe" and I turned around and yeah, there he was, only a few feet away. He was holding his hands behind his back, looking lost, just trying to figure out where he was supposed to be and presumably where Rick was. No joke my hand covered my mouth and my heart raced and in that moment I was so SO thankful I had the foresight to get a notecard and write a few bullet points for what I wanted to tell him. Side note, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THAT METHOD because I always think I'll be fine going up to somebody I admire and then my mind BLANKS in the moment. This made everything so much smoother for me.
Once we found out Rick Remender was a big deal and we had to line up, we spent over an hour in line before getting up to where Joe was. I watched two people in front of me go, and then made myself a fantastic introduction by immediately dropping my bag, water bottle and phone on the ground in front of me. I backed up and let the girl that went before me get a photo before stepping forward with a little "hehe, take two".
I was wearing my "I Have Mental Illinois" shirt and Joe looked at it right away, smiled and said "Don't we all?" to which I brilliantly said "I was hoping you'd like it."
I was in the second row center at Sacramento 2ourdust back in March and I had made this sign for Joe.
I figured since it was a signing event for Holy Roller and Rifters I would bring it along to show him. On the night of the show, I had held it up during 16 Candles and he had seemed to see it, smiling over at me and giving a little wave, which definitely made my entire night. I didn't think he'd remember but...
I set the sign down on the table with the comics and said "I don't know if you remember this, but-" and Joe cuts in "I DO remember this. That was you? Yeah, I saw this, and I texted the guys about it right after the show." He then proceeded to tug on Rick's sleeve and say "Hey, Rick...Rick, look, look at this, look what she made." (Side note, seeing Joe just tugging on Rick's sleeve to get his attention, absolutely precious.) I am still completely blown away that he remembered seeing this sign after playing almost forty shows and eight months down the line, but it totally warmed my heart. He even signed it for me with a special sharpie - he dug around in his little cup of markers and then declared, "Rose gold. You're getting rose gold."
I felt my mind start to blank so I took my little notecard out, which I apologized for, but Joe said "Yeah, that's good to have". I then told him, as he gave me his complete attention, thank you for the music (I've been a fan for over 10 years) and for the books, the memoir, all the laughs, and for the community his band has fostered. I told him that I've met all of my best friends because of his band via Tumblr Discord etc. and that it's come so far that one of my closest friends, who I met on a "Fall Out Boy Forum" (it was wattpad but I wasn't gonna tell him that) and I had met after eight years of online friendship at Forest Hills. Joe asked if we were still friends after meeting because sometimes that changes things and I assured him me and them were cool.
I asked him what comics I should read to get more into comics in a similar vein to what he'd written. He thought about it and said that for Holy Roller specifically, a lot of it was inspired by early Batman comics (I believe he said Batman Year one) and that he was currently reading some of that with his daughter - turning his children into little nerds apparently! He went on for a little while like that and to be honest I do not remember all of what he was saying about it, except for at the end he did say "...that's a lot to remember."
Joe then asked me if I had the rest of the books (Holy Roller and Rifters) as he had copies of every single issue on the table. I have to preface this by saying I was a dumbass and didn't think to bring anything to be signed, so I had run into the bookshop earlier and bought an older issue of both Holy Roller and Rifters for the signing. I said yes, I was subscribed and had them at home, even if I hadn't read them yet, and he clarified "I wasn't doubting you, I just wanted to make sure, otherwise I'd give em to you".
Sidebar, he was signing anything people brought, including art, and someone's FUTCT CD. He asked where they wanted it signed and he helped them work it out, noting that, "In the past, people have had me sign on my photo. Yeah, this one, where I'm like...ten years old or whatever". He also signed a memoir or two (mine was signed when I bought it or I might've done that too).
I then asked for a picture and he said sure and he was very glad that "we (the band) helped to bring you friendship". I then asked hi for a handshake, which I got, and stepped over to meet Rick, giving him a little hello and telling him I enjoyed the books, as it was the first comic series I'd ever subscribed to. I then held up my phone for a selfie, which Joe saw us taking, and so he made this face, and then proceeded to laugh about it to himself, which was so SO sweet.
Just before I walked away I told Joe "oh by the way, my (not really mine but) discord server Fall Out Bastards say hi" and he looked mildly confused and said "I do not know them...but pass on my greetings".
I realized a few minutes later that I had forgotten to take a picture with the disposable camera I brought, so I waited for a gap in the Fall Out Boy fans and kind of timidly went, "Hey, Joe...can we get another picture with my disposable where I'm holding the sign?" He said sure, and so I went back over and posed, all the while he was giving us instructions for the camera. ("Make sure you do it with the flash on, I really recommend that...yeah, it's the little switch on the front. Is it on? Okay, good.")
I left the meet up so so happy, and when I sat down on the train to go home, I ended up chatting to the person next to me a bit. She was a casual Fall Out Boy listener it turned out, and when I opened up the sign to show it to her, I noticed that next to Joe's signature-
-he had drawn me a little smiley :') just something that made my heart soar that much higher.
Meeting Joe was genuinely one of the best experiences I've ever had. He gave his full attention to you as you talked, one knee on his chair, wiggling his flip flop sandals and chewing his nicotine gum (I know it's nicotine gum because we audibly heard Rick offer him some and he said yes and took it). Such a sweet guy and I would absolutely recommend that anybody meet him if they have the chance because though I've had to come home to my nine to five and all the issues in the world and in my own personal life...I cheer up a whole lot when I think about this interaction and see that photo of us together.
I do have to say, even as a 5'1 girlie, Joe is SMALLER that I thought he would be! Yes, he looks tall next to the rest of the band, but he is a SMALL BOY and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Yes, he was leaning over on the table and I was elevated slightly above him, but even when he was standing straight, he did not come across as tall.
I do partially blame this interaction as the reason I went ahead and bought tickets to Innings Fest as well shdfjlsjdlhf but I'm glad I did! I hope to meet and make many more moots there and keep cheering Joe and the others on from wherever in the crowd I may be!
Maybe YOU shouldn't meet your heroes...but if your hero is Joe Trohman, I think you're better off giving it a shot. Here is a bonus photo or two of him being a very good listener.
#looooong ass post#the entire story!#joe trohman#i don't think i forgot anything but if i did i'll keep being annoying about it later#and i'll post the disposable photo once i get it developed#but i have to fill up the whole camera first so it might be a whiiiiile
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God, am I glad Woolie and Pat are still such good friends 💟
#my heart broke in two when the zaibatsu disbanded back in 2018#i didn't learn much about the falling-out until very recently#i'm not pointing fingers in any direction#sometimes people just fall out of friendships#but i'm glad there wasn't a complete split#i'm glad matt has liam and i'm glad pat has woolie#woolievs#woolie versus#pat stares at#patstaresat#castle super beast
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God dude these two scenes and how roxie moves hurt my heart so so bad 🥹
it's like a mix of anger, feral, emotional breakdown, and complete sadness that just fucks me up soooo fucking bad.
it's like she's a pet who got abandoned by their owner but they see them again after years of sadness and depression of them being gone and leaving them like that and all that anger and sadness just manifest's into one bundle of emotion's towards them they cannot control.
roxie baby ur gonna be okay u deserve better :[
#scott pilgrim vs the world#scott pilgrim#scott pilgrim spoilers#scott pilgrim takes off#roxie richter#ramona flowers#its the fucking fact throughout that whole scene after the hammer she just starts going COMPLETELY feral and just bawl her eyes out#throughout the whole irl fight until the movie shelf falls on them 🥹#can she like#get a hug or something i get her so so much i get u gurl im so sorry u gotta go through this#this episode really just#shows how important closure is for a relationship/even a friendship#like of course it depends on the person and the relationship but man.#People don't realize how important it is to not just leave a person behind like that without explanation but instead give them closure about#it and telling them how you feel.#it really is as simple as that sometimes...and i think people forget that and just wanna ghost/leave as fast as possible#to not deal with the emotions of the situation.#Like both roxie and ramona finally just talking about the situation does sm for their future as friends and i loveeee ittt#so so much better then the comics version off them I feel like this is PERFECT.#again obviously theres just some situations where talking just doesnt work and you both just have to move on.#but when theres situation's like roxie and ramona? talking is needed.#talking/closure is so so important guys remember that when its needed. <3
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Playdate in peril, the homosexual thoughts be upon ye.
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#MDZS#poorly drawn mdzs#lan wangji#wei wuxian#lan xichen#I subscribe more to the belief that LXC saw an opportunity for his brother to make a friend his age than him wanting to play matchmaker#in his perspective wwx is clearly going out of his way to *try* and interact with his little brother#and he reads the signs that lwj isn't objecting to it#sometimes you gotta facilitate a friendship between people by setting them up to hang out on a lake together!#how was he supposed to know the levels of tension between the two?#If it were not for the several feet of cursed water between them they would be fighting with fists not words#wwx has incepted a thought into lwj and its not going away!#dear god i hope the boy you like doesn't fall into the water and you have to pull his sopping wet body into your arms#It took every ounce of restraint in me to not pull a quote from the linked song#so now its just a bonus for people who like to click links#I have to continue the pre flashback joke somehow#lets make it soft canon in this comic that wwx has been humming and singing boat drinks the entire time they've been out on the water
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yes i'm rooting for m*leven breakup because byler is neat but mostly? i'm rooting for m*leven breakup for the sake of el and mike.
to me, their romance was always a puppy love born out of a combination of social pressures, naïve curiosity, and a lack of true understanding regarding intimacy and romantic love and what it really is. it was real in that they do truly, deeply care about each other and they are close friends, maybe even shared an attraction, but a maturing romance is so much more than that. they've grown up and out of being boyfriend/girlfriend, and that's okay! i think television/film needs to show more often that most of us don't have definite "soulmates" or first childhood loves that we spend our whole lives with. it doesn't mean these relationships meant nothing and didn't impact us, it just means they've run their course and that something else is in the cards, and this is part of life!
i've always felt el was at her best and most confident self when broken up with mike, discovering who she was and what she liked alongside another girl her age instead of just relying on mike for mentorship on how to live in the real world. she deserves more of an opportunity to find herself, her autonomy, and her independence, and to love who she is, and she's made it clear she's felt insecure in the relationship with mike because she isn't being loved and understood the way she wants, needs, and deserves from someone who is her partner.
also, it's okay if mike doesn't love her in "the way he should". he is not obligated to love her romantically and stay in a relationship with her just because she's a girl, because she "needed someone", or because he cares about her a lot. he shouldn't be pressured into a romance if it's not truly coming from his heart. he deserves freedom to find out and honour who he is, too, instead of just staying in his non-functional first relationship — one he got into as a child, essentially — and defining himself that way because it's what's expected when a boy and a girl are close. he loves her in some way, yes, but it's okay if he doesn't feel comfortable or secure being her boyfriend anymore, for whatever reason that is. he's felt insecure too, and that's valid and it matters.
they are their own people and are steadily growing and changing every day. they need time to figure out who those people are, and it's become clear (at least in my opinion) that those people aren't meant to be a couple at this stage.
they deserve freedom. they deserve to grow up and be authentic to themselves and not feel like they need to lie for the sake of a relationship. they deserve to move on from this version of their relationship that isn't making them happy and rekindle the best part of their bond: their strong, beautiful friendship. they don't have to be a couple if it doesn't make them stronger and better and happier people.
i think it would be healthy and wonderful for a show, especially one consumed frequently by young adults, to show a relationship starting, progressing, and ending on good terms in this way. sometimes things don't work out, and that is okay.
#eve text#elmike#stranger things#byler#only tagging byler because i feel like yall will like this take lol#tagging tagging tagging WHAT ARE EVERYONE ELSE'S THOUGHTS#god i can't believe i'm making a post about stranger things. this feels like poking a bear#i'm not particularly anti m*leven but like... they'd have to do something pretty special at this point for me to feel like it's viable#i'm seeing the bts of s5 and it's got me Having Thoughts#elmike friendship is something i am so passionate about#even before i ever liked byler (didn't ship at all until s4 even though i knew it was a thing before) i've felt this way about elmike#i always believed they were close friends at heart and needed to break up#the romance part of them felt very distinctly young and very much “he was a boy she was a girl” to me#and it hasn't deepened into anything more mature and i don't see how it could based on the current state of the writing...#the fact that lumax exists — a young relationship that is actively maturing and is healthy — makes that clear to me#and the “love confession” in s4 and how disingenuous and miserable it felt was just the nail in the coffin#also the fact that will (who is IN LOVE with mike) was instrumental in making it happen? ... uh... okay... interesting choice…#fucked up and reductive if they make it another queer unrequited love sacrifice for the sake of pushing the heterosexual agenda YUCK#so i really hope the speculation about a m*leven breakup is real!! i think it just makes sense for their characters but who knows#i don't believe in the notion of love at first sight or one true love and i think the writers don't too???#love to me is an accumulation of experiences and we inevitably choose it at some point rather than fall into it... but idk#tv is so fixated on keeping couples together... sometimes it's just not reality guys especially with young people... LET IT GO...#like i said though i'm not 100% sold that they're going to give up their “golden couple” LMAO#stranger things hasn't historically subverted too many tropes if i'm being honest#anyway i seriously need this season to come out quickly... i'm so bored and getting my master's is crushing my soul#i need frivolity#ALSO btw i won't respond to hateful messages about this so please don't bother. it's not that serious. this is a netflix show
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alhaitham is such a lying liar who lies dude. acting like he and the sumeru boys gang have always been besties since forever. "that's how it's always been with the four of us" - man who has barely spoken to most of these people before he decided to team up with them to overthrow the government and regularly skips social gatherings with them. yeah right buddy ok
#explicitly said that he's barely spoken to cyno before when they clash in the archon quest#will literally just skip or show up late when they do meet up#very notably had a huge falling out with kaveh that ended with them not speaking for years#does he even talk to tighnari?? like one on one???? do they hang out????#i stg kaveh and tighnari are the glue holding the whole situation together#the other 2 are just off to the side being autistic#well cyno actually tries to be social alhaitham doesnt give a fuck lmao#alhaitham after speaking to people that do not annoy him about once a month: 'hmm. i love my best friends'#he adopted a status quo and now simply pretends there has never been a different one#hes so fucking funny#genshin fans who try to make him some kind of big dick sexyman you are so wrong hes a silly goofy clown to me#on a more serious note i do actually much prefer the interpretation of this being a friendship they formed as adults#and everyone involved has different levels of closeness with each other#rather than making them all mutual best friends with each other (even since school sometimes). i think thats a lot more interesting#and canon is weirdly ambiguous about it so shrug#like the current friend groups as it is seems to be a relatively recent formation based on canon bits but then the writers lean into it#so hard as their Thing its a bit odd. but also fun to play with. they dont need to have always been friends to be close
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Euugghhhh
#Im going to bash my head into a wall I swear#Fucking. 'Keep your friends seperate' stop telling me this#Stop telling me that I like my friends getting along#'But they will decide to cut you out' 'They'll talk behind your back' can you. Shut up#Stop this fucking mentality that friend groups are bad#Friend groups end sometimes oh no people grow and change and fall out#That doesnt make it inheritly bad to have groups of friends#Fucking isolation ass fear tactics. Stop telling me to keep my friends seperate.#I have such a hatred for advice I didn't fucking ask for. You hate paranoia sufferers#Don't tell people shit they aren't ready to hear. Bitch. I didn't ask#Just let me love my friends. Together. Am I not allowed to love my friends.#I don't want to spend the next on and off week paranoid about my friendships. Again.
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#Ignore me#4 months is quickly coming up... 4 months since Alec died#Every moment of every day I'm at a loss for what to do#And how to behave#Keeping myself busy at work is nice. I have#To be forced to use my brain other ways and do things#But by the end of the day I'm so unbelievably exhausted#I'm just masking as a happy-okay person.#I spend the quiet time at work rotating this new reality#It's exhausting to pretend to be okay#But what else am I supposed to do?#It's not fair to the people around me to constantly be on the brink of crying.#To be sad and quiet and idk. I don't want their pity or sad looks#But sometimes I do just wanna scream#I don't always want to hear about their recent adventures#I want to curl up in a ball because my regrets are eating me from the inside out#I fucked up an important part of my life because I'm a coward and#I was juggling too many trashfires in my life to deal with the messy place#We left our friendship. I thought there was time. There should've been time.#A whole lifetime to figure it out. Make things worse. Make things better.#To be happy#And now he's dead and none of it matters#I'm supposed to live the rest of my life now#I don't know how to do that anymore#Nothing feels right or real#Every atom of my being keeps raging against the truth#He's gone#The sweet boy that would make me laugh... share my love of myth & language...#Carry me bridal style... kiss every inch of my face... kiss the palm of my hand#And then hold it to his chest to fall asleep....
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turns out having all your friends abandon you and be mean to you after coming out uh.... takes a while to get over......
#i feel like i am bad at friendships that dont require near daily in person interaction and i reallllllly dont wanna ba#i feel kinda afraid that im annoying which like#maybe i am a bit and i know that shouldnt stop me and its okay to be a little annoying or weird when trying to start a new friendship#idk please g-d dont let me fall down an isolationist pit x.x#i dont think i will but like#and texting is soooooo hard like#do i just constantly update about my day like there is no flow or it feels artificial like i have to try superrrrrr hard to keep a convo#but irl i can go for hours and hours and hours#problem number two is that i am absolutely reallllllly bad at asking people to hang out my brain is always like#if they wanna hang theyll ask and like maybe sometimes!! but i wanna hang and im not asking so whats up!!!!#anyway sorry long rant with no resolution
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happy new years to myself. and my weird online friends and mutuals
#this past December has been hell for me honestly.#i hope 2024 isnt as bad#ugh hold on i just need to recap this past year in the tags#the start of 2023 sucked a lot for me. i almost killed myself!!!#april-october was pretty good. i had some weird spark of motivation in terms of art all that time and it didnt even break once#and then november-december sucked too because of a falling out with certain friends and then december has been a dystopian nightmare and#family related problems going on too#honestly the whole year has had a lot of ups and downs To Be Honest#im sure 2024 isnt going to be any better but heres to hoping i guess#another edit to the thing about the friends falling out. they recently invited me back to the “”“Group Chat”“” for new year eve and#ive realized that just being around those people is so mind numbingly absurd#sometimes i realize that I AM NOT OBLIGATED TO BE AROUND PEOPLE I DO NOT LIKE FOR THE BENEFIT OF MAINTAINING FRIENDSHIPS.#like i should have realized this long ago that. some people you might be friends with/were friends with are just bad and annoying people!#i am not obligated to talk to stay with them for whatever reason they want me there for#UGH please you are not obligated to read this and TBH i should have just posted this to my alt
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why can't people let me be happy why do they always have to attempt to get in my head and try to convince me in unlovable and love and overinvest in other people too much literally fuck you and fuck you for getting in my head because now idk if they're right
#vagueposting the shit out of tumblr dot com#my mom just suddenly out of nowhere asks me *would any of your friends drop everything for you if you asked*#and i said yeah and she sounded so unconvinced#FOR NO REASON LITERALLY#and shes not the only one why do people love trying to poke holes into my completely healthy friendships#i don't do it for your much worse falling apart romantic relationships#and now i feel like shit for no reason#a part of me just wants to stop trying but i would only be hurting myself and proving her right#on the other hand if she's right then me not trying for once wouldn't mean everyone ditches me#but i don't want to do that it's pointless#except it's not but whatever#i hate people sometimes like let me. be. happy.#im just going to sleep#ugh i have driving tomorrow
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Every day I grow closer to throwing my phone into the river and when I do I won’t fucking regret it
#i have been. dodging scams all morning#i don’t have any fucking money please just leave me alone#my friendships have been rotten to the fucking core#my mind poisoned#what the fuck is the point in having a smartphone when a fliphone still lets people contact me but doesn’t fucking make my life worse#not that I could afford a flip phone anyway. or service. why would someone want to scam me specifically when I posted my account overdrafted#you can SEE I don’t have money why do you BOTHER#SCAM SOMEONE RICH YOU FUCKIN MORON#alas that the desperate make for such easy targets for the heartless#it’s been so hard to keep going and every day for two months something has happened to convince me it isnt fuckin worth it like its ONLY bad#but god or fate keeps dangling juuuust enough hope in front of me that I keep going. it’s been like that for eight years#and I’ve fallen apart in that time completely. my hair is gone and my teeth will be gone soon too#my bones and joints will follow suit they’re already deformed and weak#the ringing in my ears only gets louder. i haven’t known the familiar peace of silence in years and it’ll only ever get further#and I’ll never afford the medical or psychological care to actually help those things#why bother??? I’ll keep bothering out of spite and stupid foolish hope but I still don’t fucking know why I bother when it never gets better#and it might not! hope is called hope for a reason sometimes shit just doesn’t work out#i could suffer on for abother year or five just to have it all fall apart even more. no payout#hell does exist on earth for some people. if I die and there wasn’t ever joy enough to outweigh everything then my hell was real all along#and I will have been fuckall stupid enough to suffer it for years instead of dying in high school like I planned. or college. or after.#so many times life pushed me to the edge and I crawled back just for things to get worse. every time#and still I hold onto my hope like it’s all that ever mattered. and if life turns out that way maybe it’ll be all that ever did#false hopes and a terribly misplaced heart#fate willing we all find peace
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#one of the things i have loved so much about falling headfirst into this lone star obsession is just.... this show is full of poc#full of it#most of the main cast is people of color like i don't even know how to articulate what that means to me#none of the other shows i've watched in so long can say that#and it's just like#every time grace and tommy have a scene or marjan gets a storyline or nancy is on my fucking screen i'm emotional#especially grace and tommy like seeing how much time the writers have dedicated to their friendship it's just like#usually shows will have like one woc and she'll mostly be treated like shit#this show has four amazing beautiful spectacular women that are just like. everything to me#and paul carlos and mateo also just#believe me i do wish screentime was more balanced between all of the characters but even this is so much#because it's really truly rare#something i've wanted for a very long time is shows w poc in the main cast where the storylines aren't just about racism or racial trauma#i fully understand the need for those stories but sometimes it gets exhausting and painful bc we are so much more than that#so these characters playing first responders just getting to see them excel at their jobs and bring good into the world is just like#idk it's a lot lol#basically i am just very happy with it#i have three more eps to watch and i'm trying to stretch them out to make it till january bc i know i'll miss this show sm#it may also just be hitting me harder bc i've spent the past couple years watching glee and. well. woc are treated like shit there lmfao#so this is the biggest breath of fresh air and i think i really needed it lol#neha rambles
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venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍
haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(
#going to try and stay awake until lunch at least and yhen maybe ill take a nap. but i need to be able to sleep rpoperly tonight#at least i know im only feeling depressed bc my period is due which means my meds dont work how they should#like its kind of weird n psychologically interesting to feel so depressed again suddenly bc i havent been at all lately#well theres not much i can do abt feeling sick and in pain but ill take it easy. wasnt planning on leaving the house today anyway#and i do need to find a way to talk to ppl abt shit im struggling to communicate bc it really does bother me. and i dont want to do this#im tired of keeping everything in and wound so tightly i just want to feel seen and safe around someone please. please 🥹#its all well n good getting along with people better than i rver havebut if they still wont support me when im going through it#then it fades into shallowness like our friendship still has value. but im unable to feel close to them or safe around them#and right now im glad im doing so well im glad of so manynthings but its so scary to know that if i start doing bad again there is#noone and nothing there to catch me i dont have anything in the way of a safety net just myself. so better not fall 👍#and irs been makinf me feel so horrible lately bc my mum has been trying to emotionally drpend on me again and its making me feel like#when i was a teenager again and i was fighting for my fucking life against what i didnt know was mental illness and i had no outlet and#nowhere to go and i wanted to die so badly and meanwhile everyone around me was completely unaware and making me handle all of their#emotional issues and i was trapped there absorbing everyone elses damage and not being able to express mine and thankfully i didnt kill#myself and i got out and ive gotten so much bettee and worse and better sinxe and how i feel now is nothing like that really but im just#being reminded of it a lot and how hard expressing myself is and sometimes it feels like ive made so little progress#in thetorture labyrinth out here. but i dont want to do this forever i need to get better at expressing i just need people to support me#but i feel unsupported its like thin ice. but its alsonmy fault for not trusting. i dontnknowwwww.#maybe when i dont have to pay for private meds anymore and when i get this raise at the end of the year ill try therapy again#i dont think itll solve the issue bc its the ppl i care abt in my life that i need to be able to talk to. but maybe i can get some#better tools to help me be able to do that. i dontnknow i dont want to think about it anymore actually im going to go do smth else#sorry for venting its been a really nice weekend genuinely feeljng so good in general atm. and yeah i still struggle with the same things#but generally ive been handling their effect on my mental health so much better!!!! like im still feeling okay regardless of them#but they are still there and i will need to go from tolerating them to dissolvjng them at some point if i want to feel okay long term#it doesnt have to be like this. and i do actually truly believe that for once which rly is a sign of how much prpgress ive made!!!!#working on my shit is a fucking lifelong project....as im sure it is for everyone else too. all of our first time on planet earth#we will get through yhis. and anyway how i feel now is super temporary jsut triggered by a few thingsand ill keep reacting to them this#way until i managr to properly resolve them properly instead of folding them nicely and tucking them out of view#bleugh. okay yeah thats enough for now. meds softening the edges too ive stopped crying which is smth#chilling for a bit n then im going to watch some tv or a movie and iron and polish my boots and after lunch i might draw. or not we'll see
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mannn i really do miss the osc and everyone i met through there...
#ive been veryyy sentimental about object shows recently & i think its cuz im so isolated now cuz of college#i met soooo many awesome people and i just . fell out of touch with all of them LOL#pretty much all of my fault since im so shy and nervous and once i fall behind a little bit i get too overwhelmed to try anymore#like how are u supposed to rekindle relationships that havent been a thing in years??#idk#i cant really deal with having more friends than the like 3 i already have irl tho its a bit too much for me already#i just hope they know that i still think of them#i still love them and i hope they think of me and the memories we had sometimes like i do too#online friendships are crazy man#text
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denial is such a funny thing because you can deny pretty much anything if people believe you enough, but this particular situation just didn't cut it enough that even you yourself don't believe the lies that came out of your mouth when you told people that you and satoru were just friends.
friends didn't fuck in a car at three a.m. coming from a party; friends didn't sixty-nine late at night out of horniness; friends didn't fuck each other just for the fun of it; everything that the both of you were doing to each other wasn't "friendly."
satoru found it comical when he saw a light of regret slide into your eye whenever you finished. it made him laugh because he knew that you wanted this and knew that there were things that you wanted to do with him that you couldn't even think about doing with anyone else, yet you denied it every time because it was a "mistake."
making sure not to cuddle after and to get out of his house or get him out of your house as fast as you could, throwing a "buddy" in there to assert some boundary, not knowing it had already been crossed and there was no going back. satoru didn't mind your denial of the way things fell, but he just wanted you to stop trying and instead just let things fall into place, so that's what he started to do.
fucking you out of your mind until you were blabbering, clinging out to him as you wrapped your legs around his hips and your arms around his neck as your vision went blurry, droll dripping out the corner of your mouth, trying to stay focused, but satoru's dick feeling like it was buried in your stomach wasn't helping.
sometimes he would go hard just so that he could see your eyes fill with tears and your smile as he ran his arms over your body, touching you all over, kissing your neck, and down to your chest, leaving his mark so that it would be there the next time he saw you. there was no chance of getting it off any time soon because of the pressure he applied.
other times going slow so he could be more intimate with you, mainly teasing you and letting you know that this wasn't just a casual thing; this isn't normal; he wouldn't do this with anyone but you, and that wasn't because the both of you were close, but because this was much more than friendship.
so amused by the situation, he started tracking how many times the two of you fucked each other to see when you would finally put your foot down and stop fucking him, but months went by and he couldn't even track anymore because it was so absurd.
"sixty… we fucked sixty times." he murmured to himself before laughing. you were a piece of work, but he liked it; he knew you, and he knew that you weren't going to keep trying to convince yourself that this was just a friend thing, so he wasn't going to push you into telling him anything.
plus, he liked teasing you during sex; that was the best part—getting you fucked up from how high you got while getting fucked, head banging the headboard, and all—getting you to say the darndest things so he can say them back to you.
he was a patient man; he could wait.
#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk x reader#jjk x you#jujustsu kaisen x reader#x reader#gojo satoru#jjk satoru#jujutsu kaisen satoru#gojou satoru x reader#jujutsu satoru#gojo#gojo jjk#jjk gojo#gojo x reader#jujutsu gojo#gojo smut#gojo saturo#jujustu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen gojo#jjk geto#satoru gojo#satoru x reader#satoru smut#gojo x you#satoru gojo smut#gojo x reader smut#gojo satoru x reader#satoru gojo x reader
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