#and then november-december sucked too because of a falling out with certain friends and then december has been a dystopian nightmare and

[bagea]

happy new years to myself. and my weird online friends and mutuals

[dreamonminecraft]

oh yes, tell me more about this beautiful lesbian slowburn. I’m a sucker for a good love story

Okay so to start off, My sexuality fluctuates greatly throughout this story, but as of now I identify as a Bisexual lithsexual lesbian, which means that I am attracted to lots of people but lose attraction when the feelings are reciprocated, and I'll only date girls.

The story starts off August of 2018. I was starting 6th grade (middle school) and didn't really have any friends aside from a few people that I had last talked to in 3rd grade.

It's important to know that I'm a GT kid and so I almost always have the same group of about 20 kids. This started when I changed to an all GT class for 4th grade.

While it's nice to have a comfortable learning environment, it also means that there's no escape from any drama, and you get to pick friends from the very small pool of kids that you'll spend the rest of your education with.

This is a pretty long story as well and I'm not sure I'll be able to accurately retell many of the things because dates get mixed up and stuff. Anyway, I'm gonna try my best to explain but these are really only the things from my point of view and I don't remember a lot of the things. (This is also gonna be written like a fanfic because that's all I know how to write, I apologise)

So start of sixth grade, I don't really have any friends, I'm kind of this awkward nerd, there's 2 people in my class (we switch classes like normal middle school, but I'm with the GT kids for most of the day so that's what I'll refer to them as) that I've known for years, a few I've met before, but mostly new people.

I sit by some old friends from volleyball at lunch for the first few days but begin to feel unwelcome. One day I decide to sit by these two people that I know are in GT but haven't talked to before. I don't say anything, but I sit and they don't mind.

The next day we get new seats in English. I'm behind a boy named Owen, Inara, who is one of the girls I sat with at lunch, is to my right, and in front of her is a girl named Emilyse.

Inara and I hit it off immediately.

It's kind of crazy because we're both crazy anxious introverts, but we gel nicely. I'm a boyband-obsessed 11 year old and she's a mature and mysterious 11 year old.

She's a lefty. I'm a righty. The way we've been placed makes us bump arms everytime we try to write anything.

We have every class together. Somehow, we sit next to each other in every class as well, even in the ones where we didn't pick our seating chart.

It's September. I cry over boybands. She watches curiously.

For the next couple of months we casually talk. She spends every lunch period in the library. We text occasionally.

I have another friend who takes priority. His name is Logan. We got introduced by his friend Lennox when she asked for my phone number to give to him.

Lennox and I don't talk. Logan and I text nonstop for months. We discuss possibly dating in the future. I identify as bisexual and biromantic at this point.

I've been in this position before. Having mainly guy friends growing up puts me in a lot of awkward friendship/relationship situations. They always end the same.

I have an issue with dating in middle school. You're not dating if you don't go on dates, hold hands, kiss, or cuddle. But you can feel like you are.

In December Logan starts being mean. We start a game where we step on each other's shoes at lunch or in the hallway. It's fun.

Eventually, he recruits his friends to do it to me, too. It's a joke a first, but eventually there are 10 middle school boys chasing me and trying to hurt me.

I get kicked in the hallway and fall. Someone steps on my arm and people laugh. Logan watches. I tell Inara and she steps on his shoe for me.

Logan and I stop talking. Inara and I hang out more. By early January, Inara has stopped going to the library at lunch. We hang out with Emilyse in the field instead.

I text Logan one day in mid January and ask why we fell out. He says that I told someone that I was going to punch him in the face.

The person he said I told, only talked to me at the bus stop, and he didn't ride my bus. I had never said it in the first place, but his logic made it even more frustrating.

I tell him I got scared because I had a crush on him and didn't want to make things weird. It was a lie.

In February I came out to someone for the first time. They asked if I was bi and I said yes.

By March I had accepted that coming out didn't really make a difference. Inara and I hung out at school but not really anywhere else.

My birthday's in April. I invite her, Emilyse, and Rebekah. We paint rocks and draw on a table cloth. Emilyse feels distant.

Emilyse is homophobic. We find out in English one day. I don't remember how. Inara and I look at each other. We know we're both queer but haven't come out to each other.

I ask Emilyse if she would hate someone in GT for coming out. She says yes. Inara and I stop talking to her.

By May I've become obsessed with Marvel. Inara's interested in it and I decide to be, too. We talk about the movies. It gets awkward. She's not as interested when I get in on it.

By June we're best friends. We hang out fairly regularly, have all our classes together, and text all the time. Logan is forgotten.

School lets out at the start of June. We keep texting regularly. We make plans to see the new spiderman movie in early July with one of our other friends.

I have a complicated relationship with said friend. They're non-binary, although I didn't know it yet, and I've known them since Kindergarten. Inara met them in an advisory this year. I get jealous easily.

The day of the movie I shop at Kohl's. I buy the two of us matching shirts. We meet at the movie theater and it's awkward. I pay for popcorn and sneak in snacks that we share. Our friend's dad is there, but Inara and I don't have parents present.

We sit next to each other during the movie. At a certain scene, I start to get anxious. My stomach hurts and I can't breathe, I start to get sweaty.

I get up and rush out of the theater. I get to the women's bathroom and sit down on the floor of the very last stall. I'm panicing, dry heaving into the toilet, and trying not to cry. I try to text my mom that I'm having a panic attack but don't have reception.

I go back into the theater room after a few minutes. I'm still anxious, but better. Our friend is highly concerned, Inara just glances at me worriedly.

It's my first panic attack, and it sucked.

We leave awkwardly after it ends, trying to avoid the obvious elephant in the room. My mom is concerned when she picks me up. We don't talk about it. My dad and brother are watching it illegally when I get home.

We don't see each other until August of 2019, but continue to text through the rest of the summer.

When 7th grade starts, I'm still into Marvel. I've seen all the movies at this point, but there haven't been any new ones (even now) since FFH. Inara's interested, but not fully.

In late August/Early September we take BuzzFeed quizzes for fun and text each other the results. I take one about soulmates. I get her initials. I send her the link. She gets mine.

We take more and they all point to us being soulmates. We propose by sending pictures of rings over text. The wedding date is set for September 28th, 2019.

The time comes. It's Saturday and my brother has a double football game. We've planned to pick her up and take her there. It's a Christian league, so the games are at a church.

We go to the garden. There's a small white bench in some rocks, surrounded by flowers. We joke that we've had our ceremony. We wander around for a while longer.

My dad suggests that we go to the taco bell across the parking lot. We do. When we're done, we walk back to my house. Its not far, but we're alone. I carry her halfway back.

When we get to my house we pick things from my garden. We're barefoot and I'm wearing overalls. I joke that we're gonna get a farm one day when we're older.

She picks things while I stand back and watch. The sun hits her dyed-red hair just right. I vividly remember smiling at thinking "holy fuck she's pretty" you would think I'd put together my crush by then.

October rolls around and she cancels plans to go trick-or-treating with me. I'm upset but understand.

We "work" on a school project at her house. We don't actually get anything done before cuddling up on her bed and falling asleep to black panther.

In November, it's Emilyse's birthday party. We've gotten distant but still talk occasionally. Inara and I both go to the party.

We're watching Spiderman Far From Home because that's what Emilyse wanted. I've seen in twice, Ianra has too.

We're given candy and popcorn and then curl up on the couch. Inara and I sit next to each other.

(I forgot to mention this but at some point she stayed the night at my house. She slept on the floor in her swimming suit even though I asked if she wanted to sleep on the bed. Swimming was fun though. We also go to an arcade. We mini-golf and play laser tag. We also danced in the rain together at some point that day.)

Once we're no more than 15 minutes into the movie, I'm cuddled into her chest. It's important to mention that at this point I'm 5'6 and she's no more than 5'0.

We cuddle the entire movie. We share candy and pretend no one else is there. It feels great.

We don't talk about that night for months. Nobody brings it up. I come out to Rebekah around this time, saying no more than that I like girls. I still haven't told Inara.

By December, I've brought her to church a few times. I don't enjoy going to church, but my parents always encouraged it.

(I'd like to say at this point as well that I have been raised Christian and identify with the faith despite the fact that I despise Church and disagree with many of the common teachings. If I ever had to choose for some reason, my sexuality matters more to me than my religion. Regardless, I respect your beliefs if they differ from mine :) )

Inara's birthday is in mid December. Her party consists of us making gay jokes with our enby friend despite not being technically out to each other.

My church youth group plans ice skating. I invite her and she accepts. I'm worried about it. It's essentially a date. Neither of our parents will be there.

We carpool with the youth leaders, who are actually pretty cute for a hetero couple. Inara and I share awkward glances the whole time.

When we get there I learn that Inara took ice skating lessons as a child. She's much more confident than I am, but pretends she doesn't know what she's doing. I skate about once or twice a season, but also rollerblade.

There's a wet, sloped, melty part of the rink. I get nervous and grab her hand. She holds it until we're out of the melted ice.

Every lap around I grab her hand at that point. Eventually, we just keep holding hands for an entire lap.

By the end of the night, we've both fallen a few times but held hands the whole time. We drop her off and I say goodnight.

That night, I rant about the adventure to one of my (ex)friends, who excitedly listens to my talk about holding hands with a girl.

There's a GT Christmas party at Hannah's. Inara and I carpool there. It's an all together boring party with the exception of a few interesting truth-or-dare questions.

(side note, remember Owen? Well he's one of Inara and I's best friends and we were actually close enough that the three of us were basically cuddling on the couch during part of the party. Also the whole class knows about Inara and I's wedding and calls us wives.)

Paislie asks me if I wanted to "marry" Inara before we got "married". I mumble an answer that nobody hears. I don't repeat it. When it's time to leave, Inara and I have our legs intertwined on the couch. We don't mention that, either. We drop her off and I say goodnight.

January is good. There's a night, the 4th I believe, that we really connect. We officially come out to each other for the first time on that night, and it gets really real, really fast.

She says she's pan, I say I'm bi but confused.

In mid January she texts me that she's crying because one of her favorite YouTubers finally hit a million. She cries for hours but never tells me who. I pay it no mind.

A few days later, she mentions a YouTube channel called Unus Annus and tells me that it's super interesting. I text back but don't look it up.

A few more days pass and I'm randomly on the trending page for YouTube, which I never do. I see a video trending called "Mark and Ethan go casket shopping". The thumbnail is interesting enough that I check what the channel is. I notice it's the one Inara told me about.

I watch the video and subscribe within 5 minutes. I text Inara quotes from that video, Ethan Finally Becomes a Man, and the Lie Detector test videos, until she responds and is surprised that I found the channel.

I obsess quickly and depend on her to know the new video at 1pm everyday. She gets annoyed and we drift apart slowly.

In February things get rocky. We fight often. If I win a small argument she doesn't talk to me for hours. She gets pissed at refuses to tell me what the Unus Annus video is called if I ask too many times.

At some point I get fed up and confront her. I don't remember what about, but we stop talking all together.

Friends pick sides. I'm left alone. We don't talk for a month. She tells me that she pushed me away because she thought I'd react badly to her telling me she loves me.

I confess my crush. She tells me she feels the same.

We finally make up at about 8:30 on a Sunday night in March. It's not fixed but we plan to talk. And 9:00, the school district announces that it's shutting down until least after spring break.

We stopped trying to communicate, but eventually, slowly we started talking again. We text a few times a day now, mostly about UA and anxiety, the best combo.

We haven't seen each other since. We're probably going back to school in person in about a month, but I'm not sure. Nobody is.

I've called her my girlfriend on here before, simply because I don't know what we are. I joked the other day about how the youth leaders would react if I said I was texting my girlfriend.

Here's how that went:

So we're just jokingly married for now! It's a confusing pile of garbage but we both came out as lesbians the other day so that's a new development.

I don't know if any of that makes sense but I'll answer any questions anybody has :)

[twilightvolt]

And so, another year has come to pass.....almost. ^  ^

Remember when i said i was branching away from Digimon back when i drew up Venom fanart? y’know, “I wanted to be more than what i used to be.” that being “a Digimon artist.”

2019 was basically just that. lots and lots and LOTS of fandom hopping.

If last year was me recovering from the pain and crippling anxiety of 2017, then this year was me finally getting up again, learning to stand up and live for myself rather than in fear of those i shouldn’t care about anymore. life still hasn’t been too kind to me even though, compared to last year, we’re in a better space. but i’ll get into more detail about that while i go through everything month by month on the clock.

Before we begin, if you’d like to see the previous years, here’s the links!

2018:https://twilightvolt.tumblr.com/post/181732950569/i-kinda-was-saving-this-for-when-i-had-the-time-to

2017:https://twilightvolt.tumblr.com/post/171806337539/a-3-month-late-art-summary-featuring-art-that-i

Might wanna grab your popcorn, my dudes. this is a long one.

January: On the Web

Coming out of 2018, things were pretty ok if i remember. i don’t remember much from this month aside from a few doodles i did like this one from when Spiderverse was the hottest thing. this was one of the last things i drew in my old style. before i decided to officially change things up in the next month.

February: Gotta Kick it Up

Pokemon Sword & Shield were announced and things were hype! oh, how things soured as the months went by. lol

But yeah, this was me taking that experimental sketchy pencil style from that Smash Bros. drawing and rolling with it all the way! it’s become my new go-to style and even though it’s still hella sketchy at times, i feel like it looks better in comparison to my old ink outlined drawings.

March: The Overdrive Dweebanoids

Oh right. my old Ben 10 phase that lasted for a millisecond in 2016 returned with a vengeance. and it was glorious. lmao

It spawned an AU that i didn’t delve into much, but if i ever get that spark for my favorite alien watch bearer, i’ll get back to it.

April: True Blue Lizard Bois

My Ben 10 streak continues and i was crankin’ out art left and right for it. i luved all the “doodle dumps” i made, but this drawing was wholesome and i picked it because of that.

To some extent, this could be a comparison between my past and my present. that being Overdrive!Ben being what, at the time, was my current obsession while Digimon!Vivi was a representation of where i used to be, back when i was starting out and entering Digimon OCTs on Deviantart.

May: Return to the Realm of Sleep ~HD ReMIX

Now THIS i feel was one of the grandest drawings i’ve done this year. hell, i even made a wallpaper out of it.

like, it was just a redraw of an old drawing from 2017. but to me, it was a way to tell me just how far i’ve come since then. and i couldn’t be happier.

This was also the month i rebooted my DA after a long time of inactivity!

....Iiiit didn’t really work much, but i’m still working on it. though i highly doubt it’s worth it considering most of the ones i used to hang with there are either people i don’t wanna associate with or people who left while i was gone. seriously, it’s a ghost town there.

June: Art Fight 2019 ~Dreams Vs. Nightmares~

Ahh, my second year of Art Fight. for this year’s event, i wanted to be a tad more grandiose. like drawing up this banner. i like being extra and stuff even if it kills my drawing hand, so yeah. lmao

...

Florida thunderstorms are friggin’ terrifying. idk HOW anyone can get used to that.

July: - BREAK DOWN -

Oookay, it was hard picking my favorite attack this year cuz i pretty much was satisfied with all of them. but i had to go with this attack because the artist i drew it for was someone i really admired for years and i’m just happy i could finally have an opportunity to draw them something. like, i luv how it came out, so yeah.

This was also the month i forced myself to finally do the thing and let go of the constant fear i felt towards certain people i used to hang with. while remembering 2017 will never NOT hurt, i can’t let that fear rule over me forever. i have to take control and not let it stop me from doing what i want. and that’s exactly what i did.

August: Ricky ~Sapphire, Emerald and AlphaSapphire

Oh yeah! after Art Fight ended, i returned to Pokemon randomly cuz i wanted to go back to my roots for a moment. revamping Ricky, formerly Ragna, and Yagami was something i’ve been meaning to do for awhile and it reignited a waning love for a series i started growing distant towards since Gen VII.

I used to really like Ricky’s old design even though i barely ever used him. but i guess this just shows how much more original i’ve gotten in terms of character design. ^  ^

September: Heartbeat Inferno

Now, i haven’t really talked much about what’s been going on life wise for most of this post, but trust me when i say irl, things weren’t really.....happening. like, it’s hard when you live (or rather, lived now) in a place with little job opportunity and you have NO experience whatsoever. the lack of progression must’ve hit something in me, so the week i drew this was me just....shifting moods, feeling everything at once. one day i’d be agitated as hell, the next i’d be so depressed i took a some odd hour nap and didn’t wanna get out of bed. like, for most of this year, i haven’t felt this stressed out and frustrated with myself. so this sudden crash was kind of....unwelcome.

But this drawing was a fresh change though, if i’m being honest. i’m not usually this uncaring about how clean the coloring job is, but i like it! i’d choose that other drawing i did for my friends’ birthdays, Skirmish at the Cable Club, but this one had a more personal drive behind it.

October: - PAPERMOON -

beastarsbeastarsbeASTARSBEASTARS--*COUGH COUGH AHEM* I MEAN....hai. :D

Continuing with my Pokemon shenanigans, i drew this big piece which was something i had in my head for years now, but never actually acted upon it cuz i always felt it was too big of an idea to work on. i’m happy i’ve managed to capture what i envisioned originally.

As for interests, i’m sure most of my current followers can deduce that i quickly shifted gears to Beastars as soon as the anime was released and so far, i regret nothing. it’s spawned a metric butt ton of new art from me and the way i see it, this phase ain’t stopping as long as this series continues. brace yourselves fam, i believe i’ve finally found the successor to my Digimon phase. lmao

Like, damn, i had a tough time choosing art for this month. i was stuck between this, - SMILE/WILD SIDE - and Slip Into Madness. so many good drawings i was satisfied with, y’know?

November: The Future is Now

I was SO planning on putting something else here, but then suddenly i just kinda had this urge to redraw that uggo gouache painting of Miyagi from highschool. and it turned out so good that i had to. like, really. lmao

As with the redraw of Dream Drop Digital’s key art, it was a reminder of how far i’ve come since then art wise. and i feel like i’ve accomplished so much this year because of it. ;w;

December: Winter Lights

And now we’re back to the present time. after over a year or so of living in Florida, we’ve moved once again back up north a bit. yet another clean slate, but things seem to be looking up despite the rather large bumps in the road the past week or so. lately i’ve been feeling that seasonal depression starting to set in, but i think i’ll be fine as long as i stay positive. cuz y’know, it’s not being happy all the time. it’s just knowing that things will get better someday.

One of the other reasons i drew this drawing was cuz i REALLY wanted to have something Beastars related on this clock. this series (and Legoshi in particular) really inspired me, so i had to leave a wedge open for my boi.

Looking back at the beginning of this decade (as 2020 would mark the next one), i realized that the 2010′s were basically me becoming more artsy. finding enjoyment for a new hobby that quickly became something i’m now more passionate about than video games which i didn’t think would EVER be the case.

Funny enough, it all started in the RP section of a little forum for an MMO called Wizard101. i was only in middle school at the time and, to tell you the truth, i had no idea i’d be going at it for this long. thought i’d just do it on the side but not really delve into the art world more.

But despite all the trips and falls, fandom drama or otherwise, i wouldn’t change anything if it meant i wouldn’t have the friends who’ve stuck by me in the aftermath of those times.

I may not be really succeeding in much, but it’s the small steps in life that matter most in the end. these past few months in particular was me getting fed up with feeling sorry for myself for not doing the things i was interested in in the past, getting over my regret and making plans for starting something new even though i know i’ll suck at first and not worrying so much about how others might perceive me.

And just like how life was changing for our resident grey wolf this first season, mine seems to be doing the same. and i believe this decade ended on a better note than i thought it would during the past couple years leading up to this.

Here’s to a new decade! ^  ^

~ For a future I want to believe in. ~

[longeyelashedtragedy]

this has been the most wild fuckin year so let’s do a Year in Review shall we

in terms of internet and fandom life, that is. my real life has been atrociously boring but who cares about real life amirite folx

january probably the only calm month of the year.  i spent the first day of the month watching the brazilian inauguration in burgos, spain with one headphone in, while ordering for my family in a restaurant where nobody spoke english (my sister speaks decent spanish, but my whole family has like 8194814 food restrictions so it kind of went past her level of ability). translating between spanish and english with portuguese in one year was kind of awesome. i watched bodyguard and it was amazing!  what else...in january i briefly owned the issue of spanish GQ with Luka on the cover which i then forgot about until november. other than that...? nada.  the calm before the storm. (fav music)

february was so long ago that i keep forgetting how insane its 28 days were.  probably the wildest month of the year really. i got involved in an absolutely batshit and exclusive group chat with a famous person’s family member (which must remain confidential). it was all sunshine and rainbows for a week and a half and it then devolved into the most absolutely insane Lord of the Flies situation ever--it turned into 1 main chat and then 1 chat that was less puritanical than the main chat, and that chat spawned another chat that didn’t trust the previous chat, and then that chat had a massive argument and a like 6-person bitchy chat modded by a gay guy who does voodoo (shoutout to ALCIDES) spawned from that one.  i made it into every level of group chat and was asked by the tiny bitchy chat to spy on the other bitchy chat (i did not lol). i was a member of the tiny bitchy chat until i got a new phone and was logged out of whatsapp for like a month.  these words can’t even convey what this chat was like--oh and did i mention it was all conducted in only my 3rd-best language? it’s no wonder my weird ass survived middle school almost entirely unscathed.  as this was winding down, on the very last day of the month, I found out about Justin’s involvement in the SNC-Lavalin scandal and decided to go public about my years-long boner for him; Lavscam definitely changed the course of the rest year ~ Oh, also i began helping to repair a friendship that had had some Drama go down so that was p cool ~ (fav music)

march was a Time. The insanity of lavscam helped me finally finish the macdeau I started writing the previous December when a bunch of tungelr people called me disgusting for writing it.  i wrote my first straight-up serious explicit porn in years which has wound up being the third-longest thing i’ve ever published on ao3. Also, Hozier released Wasteland, Baby! which made a huge impact on me as well.  i spent like half of march staying up till 3:30 am writing said Long Fic, and i was firmly in the closet about stanning manu. also justin almost got a vote of no confidence or something and he got busted for eating a chocolate bar during a parliamentary all-nighter.  (fav music)

in april i wrote a ton of fanfic thanks to declining mental health(tm).  i think this is when i started my emmanuyell insta account and became really into making weird edits (which i still love doing just...don’t anymore.)  i started meeting some cool people thanks to macdeau.  what else happened in april? i feel like it wasn’t actually too eventful other than writing a lot of fanfic and being Annoyed about manu.  feel free to jog my memory lol.  oh i think i wrote “Okay so who from the French national team are we gonna ship Manu with” on twitter after seeing photos of manu + antoine griezmann at the World Cup but nothing came of that...at that time... (fav music)

may saw me having to deal with my shit mental health and up my meds but that seems to have had a good effect because i seem to not be too depressed to write in the winter/fall anymore! it was the 2nd anniversary of manu’s election and at the Christchurch Call in paris, macdeau took that amazing fairytale princess photo together that was completely unrivalled in Gay Shippy Feels moments until ivan went out of his way to kiss luka during the el clásico gameplay last wednesday. someone wrote ao3′s first griezmanu drabble and at the end manu gets down on his knees in front of antoine, takes off his shoes for him, and sucks his dick, and i achieved another state of being entirely.  my sister graduated from grad school and when we went down to DC for the weekend i went to eat at this restaurant manu famously ate at while there and ordered the same stuff he did and i have no idea how he consumed all that grease.  i learned about the song O Come, O Come, Emmanuel *snort*. i feel like other things happened in may too?  OH YES--i got the idea for my magnum opus, Trophy Boyfriend, and started to write it. the first scene i wrote was justin blowing manu in the hallway. then the same day i wrote the scene at the airport (which was the ending for a solid month and half till i realized it shouldn’t be), and the saddest scene in the fic--but we’ll stop to open presents.  oh! and i stumbled across the macronists discord chat which is such a delightful little community *weepy sniffles* (fav music)

june was Eventful.  a french neonazi on tumblr told me to go let manu fuck me in the ass because i was a fucking degenerate.  what a start!  then came the ceremony in which manu awarded everyone on the french national team the legion of honor medal and the way he and antoine looked at each other was truly...Wait it was the 3rd Gay Shippy Feels moment of the year.  as soon as the ceremony was over i wrote a fic about it and haven’t looked back.  between this + watching almost every 2018 World Cup game and the women’s world cup (during which I cried during argentina’s last game because of that miraculous penalty) i finally achieved my years-long goal of getting into Futbol(TM).  Antoine dropped his spotify playlist and my crush on him turned into Intense Love (TM) and also he introduced me to some legit awesome artists.  which led to (fav music)

july, in which i wrote “ça c’est ma dope” which is definitely the best thing i’ve written since i wrote “modernity towering in front of the sky” almost exactly 10 years before. got embroiled in Soccer Transfer Drama and learned its pain for the first time (unfortunately, since i wound up attaching my heart-wagon to barça’s Suddenly Least Favorite Player, the transfer drama pain has...never ended) became a full-fledged culé, O the joy O the honor.  i wanted to ship antoine with someone on the team, which in their current chemistry-less season is a real challenge, but after seeing a few photos i decided it would be fun to casually ship antoine + ivan rakitic (partially because, ever since i went from Enemies to Lovers with the croatia NT during the World Cup, he was one of the only players i knew anything about other than messi, suárez, and piqué lmao). while looking on ao3 to see what kind of headcanons people had about him--and the fic is definitely in general better than what’s out there about antoine, which is perplexing because antoine is much easier to write than ivan--i found That Amazing Rakidric Fic and thought “oh wait that ship makes a lot of sense” and started also shipping ivan and luka with the fire of a thousand suns.  oh and my air conditioner was broken for like 3 weeks. i worked on more fics, seriously outlining the path of Trophy Boyfriend, and my music taste was killer. (fav music)

in august i finished Trophy Boyfriend in my neighborhood Starbucks after writing the scene that was giving me the most trouble (the scene at the beginning where they’re organizing their book collection). the fic has made multiple people cry and people disagree on whether justin’s choice at the end was the right one and god i’m so proud of it.  Instantly went on to write ‘i might not mind,’ a lively lighthearted Friends to Lovers ivantoine~ romp which was definitely going to be a one-off and i was definitely not going to get an extra celeb crush out of it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, (fav music)

in september ivantoine became A Thing in my mind and it’s a whole ongoing slow-burn character-arcy series that has taken a very different turn than i had expected. i’m not saying it’s like, the most deep writing of all time, but it’s gone to some interesting places emotionally. honestly, ships and boners aside, the concept of a person who made some really stupid homophobia 101 comments many years ago slowly realizing over and over again that they have gay feelings for a man who seems rather comfortable with gayness is a fascinating one and one that’s really cool to explore in writing.  Or at least, i think so.  in many ways ivan is my most unreliable narrator because of the many layers of Discomfort, Emotion and Repression at play in the fic while he’s interacting with this pretty cheery and uncomplicated seeming-dude who’s still perceptive enough to sort of know what’s going on (and that’s not even adding in the star player/falling from grace former rockstar dynamic!!!)  i know in the current climate it’s Not Allowed to write about someone who said a bad, but luckily i’m too old to give a Fuck. ivantoine is hard to write but it’s my bff’s favorite ship of mine and has a few other excited fans on ao3 which tbh is kind of an accomplishment considering i made it up out of thin air and it’s not something you’d ever think would be a thing. instantly also developed ‘getting called out about ivan by a child on the internet’ as a goal.  and...i achieved my dream of leading high holiday services!!! (fav music)

october had more high holiday services and i worked a lot on certain fics (including d*janfic which would be fun to finish). i came up with the idea of a Very Long Rakidric Fic based on the translation of a gorgeous croatian folk song i sang in college (Janko fell asleep under the poplar/My dear and beloved/My beautiful dark eyes/Look at me/Under the poplar's golden branch/My dear and beloved/My beautiful dark eyes/Look at me/I tore off the golden branch/My dear and beloved/My beautiful dark eyes/Look at me--in which the golden branch is a reference to a way to get into the underworld). decided to start quarter-assedly learning croatian for fun.  Fun...ha.  other than fangirling a lot and watching the croatian NT play, october was pretty uneventful? i think? Justin got reelected and mauricio didn’t ;( (fav music)

in november i finally achieved my dream of having a literal child on the internet call me out about being attracted to a homophobe.  (they were a madridista even!) accidentally started writing some more rakidric and now i’m seriously hooked.  also accidentally came out of the closet about the secret crush i’d been harboring on luka modric and then one fateful day in the ihop on 14th st i realized i’d had this crush already and repressed it from my memory. Don’t do that kids! now it’s Hurting Really Bad. Ivan dropped the most pathetic and candid interview like...ever and i hope “¿Cómo puede disfrutar uno? Jugando al fútbol. ¿Cómo se siente mi hija pequeña cuando le quitan un juguete? Triste. Yo me siento igual. Me han quitado la pelota, me siento triste” goes down in the history of most epic futbol quotes of all time.  (still haven’t actually been able to watch this because no one has uploaded it anywhere)  What else...............Am i forgetting anything? i celebrated my birthday with @tender-vittles in epic fashion after two years of Not doing that, and turned 32 going on 15.  enjoyed my first-ever “x reader” fic (zlatko dalic x reader LOL) and finished “drive your plow over the bones of the dead” which was real fucking good. i saw hozier live and it was a religious experience and i unexpectedly cried during nina cried power and then called myself “Luka B” when ordering at the classy taco bell across the street after getting a glimpse of alexxx ryan in the flesh. (fav music)

now it’s december and my seasonal depression is a little worse than it’s been the past few years but i’m managing.  still shipping and writing and i just got called out about ivan again last week.  i’m 2 for 2 here!  el clásico was boring but also it was gay and my heart my heart my heart ! Anything could happen in the last 10 days of this year and honestly...I’m pretty sure I’m ready.

Most importantly this year, despite it being not that great in a lot of ways, I developed a lot more self confidence, made many important realizations, and became a lot more peaceful (despite how this post makes me sound) and wiser and less bitter and pessimistic.  And i became outspoken enough about antisemitism on the left to lose friends over it...3 for 3.  i can’t say i’m displeased with these developments.

Hasta 2020! <3

[probablyreal]

I was mentioning this to some friends so it’s not a story so much as a straight up hallucination from yesterday, in story form.

There’s a flower growing out of Aisle 1.

I work at a grocery store. It sucks, but it’s convenient. Used to do stocking in the back, but for some reason they moved me to the front to be a cashier. “It’ll just be a little while” they said in December, or maybe it was November, time’s not the kindest to my brain. Either way it’s April now, and it’s been nothing but cashier shifts since.

I ask a grumpy looking man if he wants any bags, twice (he doesn’t answer) and how he’s paying (he doesn’t answer). All he says is that I’m too slow (I’m faster than my coworkers) and that children these days are so disrespectful (I’m 27- I think. Or, I’ll be 27 this year. It doesn’t matter.) and shouldn’t I be doing my job?? It’s only after I’m done everything that he says he wants six bags, and slaps his card against the reader. I haven’t told the reader to expect a card.

When he leaves there’s another customer who’s in as much of a hurry to leave, but he’s worlds more polite. He wants two bags, he’ll be paying with a debit card, so in the few seconds between him paying and the receipt being printed out I look around the store.

There’s a flower growing out of Aisle 1. White petals, black stamens, a funnel shape leading to a green stem that winds impossibly around Aisle 1′s shelving and vanishes into its framework. Looks like a lily, but it doesn’t make sense. There’s no room for a pot. The stems of lilies don’t grow like that. It’s very obvious, and yet, nobody even looks at it.

It’s not really there, is it?

The customer finishes paying for his groceries. The receipt prints out and I hand it to him, smiling, and telling him to have a nice day. Another customer takes his place, and it’s back to scanning groceries.

When I look back at Aisle 1, the flower is gone.

Usually I drive to work, but today is a special day. My sister’s coming back from uni, so my mom picks me up and probably breaks the speed limit driving home. I’m barely paying attention, playing on my phone and watching the rainy scenery as we drive by. We get a red light and stop.

I glance up.

There’s a flower on top of the bus shelter across the street.

I squint, and it doesn’t do much. I’m certain it’s the same flower though: six white petals, black stamens, a funnel shape much like a lily’s. Green stem, green leaves, no pot to speak of. It’s just... growing out of the top of the bus shelter. It seems unaffected by the rain. It doesn’t make sense for it to be there.

I shut off my phone’s display, quickly, because I don’t want to look down and find the camera app. Raise it to take a picture.

(I’m pretty sure it’s not there, but a picture would prove it isn’t.)

The light turns green, and I end up with a blurry expanse of cloudy sky.

When I look back at the bus stop, the flower is gone.

My sister and I have plans to go to a mall. We’re going to get our phones checked (there’s nothing wrong with mine, I think) and then we’re going shopping. Or, she’s going shopping, and I’m to trail behind her like a lost child. We get to the mall, she parks the car, and we start to head inside.

It’s evening. The sun is no longer hidden by clouds, just entirely gone. It’s still raining, but I see, distantly, a spot of white outside a restaurant near the mall. Can’t tell so well from here but it looks like there are six points of petals, little spots of black. It could be growing out of a flowerbed.

I veer to the side and walk closer, and closer. It gets closer and closer. I’m certain it’s the same flower I’ve thought I’ve seen. It looks impossibly perfect.

A raindrop hits me directly in the eye, and I blink rapidly.

The flower is gone.

It’s not unusual for me to see things when I haven’t gotten much sleep. “Bats or very large spiders”, I said once. “A lens flare stuck in my vision.” “A dark shape out of the corner of my eye, about seven feet tall, but when I looked there was only a blank white wall.”

I never fall for it. Or, I don’t think I fall for it. If it doesn’t make sense, and if nobody else is reacting, it probably isn’t there. 

It doesn’t make it any less interesting.

We’ve reached my grandma’s house, and I’m sleeping over. There are potted plants on the windowsill across the room, and a few empty pots besides. It’s my job to water the plants (with tea, because grandma just does that, I guess) so I know which pots are empty.

There’s a flower growing out of an empty flower pot. It’s a bright red pot, because I wanted bright ones but never got around to planting anything in them, or even putting dirt in them. It’s the closest any of those flowers today have been.

Green leaves. Green stem. Black stamens, and six mostly white petals in a funnel shape. Looks a lot like a lily, but it’s definitely not a real one. There’s delicate silver circuitry on the inside of each petal, vanishing inside.

I blink.

It’s gone.

[purrincess-chat]

How to Catch a Ladybug CH2

Ayyy! Finally updated something after forever! Here is the next chapter of my Lilanette fic~ It’s been so long since I introduced this, and I kept meaning to work on it, but it kept getting shoved aside. Thank you all for being patient with me lately. School has been hectic, and all of my free time to write gets put into working on my piece for the Big Bang which I can’t share with you guys until December, but I pinky promise you’ll love that one when it comes out! For now I’m going to do my best to finish up Ladrien Summer and this fic over the course of this month, and maybe work on finally finishing Fluff Month for the love square. In November I have a new fic that I’m super excited for that I want to introduce, so hopefully I can get through some of these oldies before then. 

FF | AO3

Chapter 2: According to Plan

That conniving little faker! The only reason she was being so nice was to hide how horrible she really was on the inside, and Lila couldn’t believe she’d almost fallen for it. She wasn’t going to stand for it! That girl did not deserve to be a hero after the way she treated a complete stranger. Sure, Lila, had been lying, but she didn’t have to call her out like that in front of Adrien. What did she care anyways? Probably just jealous that she was taking attention away from her precious alter ego.

If only there was a way to get rid of her and knock her off her throne for good, then Lila could show the world how much better she was at being a hero than that brat. She needed to get her hands on those earrings, then she would be the new Ladybug, and Paris would have a real hero. But how was she going to get her hands on them?

She eyed Marinette, who was chatting with Mylene in the courtyard, from the second floor with a pensive frown. Marinette wasn’t aware that Lila knew her secret, so she had that advantage at least. Maybe she could swipe them when Marinette took them off. That was bound to happen eventually, right? For now, she would continue to play her friend because stealing them would be a lot easier if she was part of her inner circle, so, swallowing her disgust and planting a friendly grin on her face, she marched down to Marinette with probably the smoothest mask she had ever worn. Lila was accustomed to lying. She was good at it, and acting was only a small extension of lying, so when she pulled Marinette into a tight hug, she didn’t suspect a thing.

“Thank you so much for showing me around yesterday. Moving can be so daunting, and I really appreciate your kindness,” She said energetically. “No wonder everyone loves you; you’re such a good friend.”

“Oh, you’re welcome! As class representative, it’s my job to make sure everyone feels welcome,” She replied, waving it away.

“You’re good at your job. I feel a deep connection with you, and I’m really glad we’re friends,” She ran her fingers through Marinette’s hair and smiled. “Let’s hang out after school. I don’t know of many cool places in Paris yet.”

“Of course! I’d be happy to show you around,” Marinette agreed politely. Seems like Lila wasn’t the only good actress at the school. Marinette was better than she’d anticipated which was fine by Lila. It would only make stealing her Miraculous that much more rewarding.

“Hey, maybe we can get a group together. I’m sure Juleka and Rose would love to come as well,” Mylene suggested.

“Good idea! It’ll be more fun with a lot of friends.”

Drat.

It was going to be more difficult to get her hands on those earrings with more lingering eyes on her. Looks like her scheming was going to need a bit more time. She’d have to wait for the opportune moment to strike, but she could keep her charade up as long as Marinette could. In fact, she was going to take pleasure in forcefully befriending her.

x x x

Getting alone time with Marinette proved harder than Lila originally thought. She knew practically everyone in the school, and every time she suggested hanging out, someone always butted in. Little miss superhero was popular with or without the mask it seemed, which only vexed Lila more. Every time she changed schools, Lila had to work hard to make friends, but Marinette made it look so easy. In fact, Lila was certain that she’d hung out with more people in the last week than she had in several years.

For a moment, she almost forgot what Marinette had done to her, losing herself in the lustful call of friendship, but she wasn’t so easily fooled. It was all a façade anyhow. She knew the feeling of malice was mutual between them and that any friendliness was just as fake as Lila’s smile each time they saw each other. Perhaps she was luring her friends on all of their escapades on purpose, so that she wouldn’t have to focus on pretending the whole time, which, Lila had to admit was a smart tactic as she herself was getting worn out.

Lila had always been a good liar, but she had to give credit where credit was due. Marinette was good. Really good. In fact, she kind of admired her skill a little bit, and it pushed her to try harder. Every day her smile became more elastic, her laugh more convincing, and her excitement seemingly more genuine. If she was going to convince Marinette to trust her, she had to bring her A-game. This battle wasn’t one she could afford to lose. She just needed to get her alone.

“Good afternoon class,” Mme. Mendeleiev greeted, shutting the door behind her. “Today we will be covering the conservation of mass and energy, and then you will prepare a short presentation with a partner to present this Friday.”

Lila perked up a little. This could be her chance. All she needed was a little stroke of luck then those magical earrings would be all hers, and Paris would be rid of its pest problem. Then she could prove to Marinette that she was the better heroine after all, and the only one that Paris needs.

“Your group assignments are as follows: Adrien, Nino, and Alya, you will be a group of three to balance the odd number in the class.” Nino and Adrien fist bumped on the front row, and Mme. Mendeleiev continued. “Max and Kim, Juleka and Rose, Alix and Chloe-”

The pink haired girl sucked her teeth and slumped, and the blonde girl up front raised her hand in protest.

“Mme. Mendeleiev, you can’t possibly expect me to work with-”

“Deal with it, Chloe.” The blonde girl slumped with a low growl, prompting an eye roll from several classmates. “Ivan and Mylene, Sabrina and Nathaniel, and Marinette and Lila. I will not be reassigning groups, so don’t ask.” She shot a pointed look at Chloe, who pursed her lips sourly.

Lila sat back with a sly smirk. As it seemed, fate had smiled kindly upon her that day as Marinette glanced back at her with a cheerful grin. Now all Lila needed was a plan to get the earrings, and she was home free. Thinking about it, Marinette wouldn’t be able to do anything without revealing her own identity, how popular she could become if word got around that she was Ladybug. Then Adrien would really be eating out of the palm of her hand since she got the vibe that he had a thing for superheroines. Everything was going according to plan, now all Lila had to do was wait.

“I’m glad we got paired up to do the project, Lila. I’ve been having a lot of fun hanging out with you lately,” Marinette said after class as they headed to the locker room.

“Yeah, me too,” Lila lied smoothly.

“You’re not bummed that I got partnered with Adrien again, are you?” Alya asked with a wince, and Marinette shook her head.

“No, I mean, sure, I’d love to be in a group with him, but I’m okay if it’s you,” She said shyly, clasping her hands together in front of her. “I’m just glad Chloe didn’t get paired with either of us this time, and Sabrina got paired with someone else too, that must really be irking her.”

“Yeah, I feel bad for Alix though,” Alya remarked, glancing across the way where Chloe was lecturing a very bored-looking Alix.

“Oh well, at least maybe Chloe will have to do some work herself for once,” Marinette snorted then turned to Lila with a smile. “So, wanna come over to my house today to work on the project?”

“Absolutely. I’d love to,” Lila returned the expression with equal gusto, mentally gagging at how fake her voice sounded.

“Cool. I live just across the street, and my dad makes the best cookies you’ve ever had,” She said cheerfully, a slight spring in her step as they entered the locker room. Lila wondered what the beast’s parents were like, and she imagined ugly, decrepit creatures with sharp teeth and glowing red eyes.

“Can’t wait.”

           It was the moment she’d been waiting for all week. A chance to be alone with Marinette, and she was leading her right where Lila wanted. Soon enough the world would be rid of that horrible bug monster, and Lila would reign supreme.

“Welcome home, sweetie,” A surprisingly normal and round-toothed Mrs. Cheng greeted when they walked through the doors of the bakery.

“Hey, Mom,” Marinette replied, pecking her cheek. “This is my new friend Lila. We’re partners on a chemistry project, so we’ll be upstairs, okay?”

“Need some brain fuel?” The largest and most jolly man she’d ever seen asked, offering a plate of the most delicious smelling chocolate chip cookies, and Lila felt her mouth water a little.

“Thanks, Papa,” Marinette giggled, stretching up to kiss him.

Lila was a little taken aback by how sugary sweet they all were. She was certain that her family would be cold and authoritative to raise such a skilled liar like Marinette, but perhaps the apple didn’t fall far from the tree in that case. Maybe their whole nice act was just a front to hide their problems from the outside world.

“Your parents seem nice,” She commented, observing Marinette’s expression as she set the cookies down on the coffee table. If there was any sense of sorrow or disdain in her expression, Lila didn’t detect it, and her bright smile spread across her lips effortlessly.

“They are. They’re always happy when I bring friends home,” She said without missing a beat.

“Right.” She eyed the cookies on the plate wondering if they were poisoned or laced with some sort of sedative.

“You can have one,” Marinette urged, picking one up and chomping into it cheerfully. Lila pursed her lips, supposing that she wouldn’t eat one if they were harmful, so she grabbed one too while Marinette dug out her textbook. “So, why don’t we split up the chapter and pick out key points that we want to highlight and work from there?”

Lila hated to admit Marinette was right about the cookies being some of the best she’d ever eaten, and it boiled her blood that Marinette was so much better than her at everything. Better at lying, better at luring people in, better at getting attention. Lila hated her guts.

“Is everything alright?” Lila blinked, realizing she was glaring at the cookie, and she quickly plastered on a smile.

“Yeah, totally. That sounds great.”

“Awesome,” Marinette beamed, turning back to her book, and Lila’s scowl returned.

Things weren’t going according to plan, and she supposed that Marinette wasn’t going to go down without a fight. Nevertheless, Lila shoved the rest of her cookie into her mouth to mask her conspiring expression. She liked a challenge.

[biggy-habes]

So another year came to an end. But not just the end of a year, but the end of the decade! The '10s have come to an end. With the end of every year there is always a reflection. What happened? What was great? What really sucked? What could I have done differently? What do I hope for in the new year? Well, this was not just a single year but an entire decade to process! In the past 10 years I have lived in 3 different states. I've worked 4 different jobs. And like a typical drifter, I am a bit private with my past. I seem to just appear at a new job in a new state every couple of years and apart from some lingering drama I seem to have an undisclosed past. There are many of you who did not know me before I came to North Carolina. There are quite a few of you who did not know me before I was in recovery. And only a few of you who knew me before I lived in New York (the first time). I have lived several lives and have displayed countless shades of personality. Well, here is your chance to catch a glimpse of what my life has been like. Well, for these past 10 years anyways. The ups, the downs, the shitty heartaches, and the bitchin' experiences. A lot has happened and my memory is absolutely horrible, so I will recruit the assistance of my timeline on The Facebook and a few Spotify playlists. I have added a few songs to give a soundtrack as you are reading. I carefully selected these to be specific to the time period as well as where I was during that era. So now, here is a walk down memory lane. The Tens of Haber.

I welcomed 2010 in at a 12 Step Recovery function in Lawton, Oklahoma. I had recently moved back to Lawton after spending a year working in Washington, DC. You see, I had grown roots while stationed in Oklahoma during my time in the service. Life apparently felt like that I needed a second tour, but this time as a civilian. I had carried a lot of emotional baggage with me from my year living in Maryland, and I believed that running and starting a new life was the best course of action. When I returned to Lawton I was losing my mind. I was straight off my rocker! I was at the height of one of my worst mental breakdowns. I recently moved back to Lawton, Oklahoma. By choice. From Maryland. Yeah. See the previous statement. Anyways,  I was waist deep in 12 step programs and played a very active role in my local Narcotics Anonymous group. But one thing that I had always had was a weakness for women. I would fall hard for girls that I had no business being with. At this particular time I was messing around with girls from the local halfway house. And I was getting the results that you may expect. I had fallen hard for a girl named "Lori" (no need to drag her real name into this), who I allowed to tear into my life and my heart like a goddamn tornado! She had recently started coming to meetings after ending up how most addicts end up in the rooms. The courts. She was what you would refer to as "adorable". Short dark hair that seemed to reflect light with its shine. She had deep, sultry blue eyes with long, fluttering eyelashes. When she started to show attention to me I was immediately became hooked. When things came crashing down and my heart got crushed I started sliding down the slippery slope of sanity. Fortunately I had an amazing friend, Nicole, who lived in Oklahoma City. Nicole is one of the most enjoyable people that I have had in my life. We briefly dated and she has played an incredibly important role in my story!  I have so many wonderful stories and experiences involving us. Stories that I will save for another post.

 Anyways, Nicole and I share the same birthday, and we both love to go big so we both took a trip to Boston to celebrate my 31st birthday. As it turns out the Yankees were in town so I fulfilled a lifelong dream of watching the Sox and Yankees play in Fenway Park! We got lost in downtown Boston and had to find our way back to our hotel using public transportation in the middle of the night. Nicole, who has lived in Oklahoma all of her life, got to get a wonderful glimpse of the not-so-nice parts of South Boston. It was a great birthday weekend for the both of us.

 I got back from our trip with a clear head and I decided to get my ass back in school. I remained active in my NA group (shoutout to Different Way in Lawton, OK! That place was my home for a long time!)  I may appear salty sometimes when speaking of my time in NA, but recovery mad a lot of positive changes in my life. One of those changes was gracing me with the motivation to complete my Bachelor's Degree. My apartment was an 8 minute ride away from the local university (Cameron University…GO PIONEERS, BITCHES!!!). I was able to focus my energy on studying. I have always had a knack for school, and I really enjoyed studying psychology and sociology so I was easily able to focus on my schoolwork. I was working a side job as a per diem psychometrist for a neuropsychologist named Dr. Hamil. I have so much credit to give to him for taking me on as a mentor. He saw something special in me. He saw talent. And I was happy to work for him whenever he needed me to. I was taking a lot of trips to Oklahoma City for testing assignments in assisted living facilities. And to be honest I was making a decent amount of scratch doing it. Now my full time job was working with the trainees going through Fort Sill that were having a difficult time adjusting to military life. On slow days I would have plenty of opportunity to work on the testing data that I had collected over the weekend. One day while scoring testing paperwork that I had sprawled all over my desk there was a knock on my office door. It was the chief of the clinic giving a potential psych tech the grand tour.  "Mr. Haber, I would like you to meet one of the interviews for the tech position." She was slim and stylish, with long, dark hair and a smile that seemed to radiate comfort. And that was the first time I laid my eyes on the woman who I would eventually ask to be my wife. She extended her warm, slender hand. "Hello! I'm Amanda."

Our first encounter was short and sweet. And to be honest, it really did not leave much of an impact. A few months would pass before I would learn that she was hired. So this would be the first time that Amanda would actually enter into my life. By the time she was hired I was back working at the main behavioral health clinic on Fort Sill. I shared an office with several other psych techs. At any one time there could be 8 or more of us fighting over a computer. I walked into the clinic and was told a crop of newbies had started. I went in to introduce myself. And there she was. I reintroduced myself and blushed a little when she told me that she remembered me from our first encounter. We commenced with the getting-to-know-you chit chat. As the weeks went on we talked more and more, and flirting began. She knew about my side job in the city and asked if she could sit in on a session with me to learn more about what I do. So one night after work her and I drove to OKC for a 4 hour testing session with an ADHD child who was bouncing all over the room. Afterwards we stopped at McDonalds on our way back to Lawton and shared a 20 piece Chicken McNugget (because yo boy Haber is classy!). I would later find out that she had no interest in learning about psychometry. She just wanted a reason to spend time with me. Anyways, while driving back I mentioned that MC Hammer was going to be at the Oklahoma State Fair and if she would like to go. And that, my friends, is how my relationship with Amanda began. At an MC Hammer concert! In TRUE Haber form!

Eventually Amanda and I started dating. And it was incredible! She was a great woman. And she was great for me. When we had met I was going through a lot of internal strife, and being with her was calming me down. That November, after discussing the idea with Amanda (and after we got back together following a HUGE argument and eventual "break") we decided to adopt a pup. I went to the pound on Fort Sill. I walked down the row of cages and looked at every one of the hopeful pups. I stopped at this scrawny auburn-colored little shit who was barking as loud as he could as he put on his meanest look. But there was something in his eyes that told me that he has been in some shit and he was just needing someone to love him. I could relate to that. I asked the Poundtender (I'm really not sure what the manager of a pound would be referred to as, so we will go with this) about him and he told me that he was surrendered by an elderly couple for being too aggressive. I asked if I could take him for a walk in the yard. I sat on the grass and reached out my hand and he timidly came over to me, not certain whether to trust me or not. This was all it took for me. On November 8, 2010, I took Fennie into my home and into my life. Which means that it has been him and I for an entire decade!  Women and jobs would come and go, but he has remained by my side through all of it. He truly is my Ryde or Die!

The winter this year was unusually harsh in Oklahoma. It seemed as if at least once a week work was closed due to ice and snow. I was living in a shitty 1 BR apartment on the borders of the Lawton hood and the heat just was not capable of handling the cold temperatures for so long. There were several days where Amanda, Fennie, and I would just huddle around the fireplace and turn the oven on to keep us warm. December rolled around, and we were still in the still-kinda-dating-but-not-sure-where-this-is-going phase so I chose to spend Christmas with my family. My sister had been living in Georgia at the time and my mother had recently moved up there as well. Two days before to make the long drive to Atlanta I received a call from an old friend Jake. Jake and I had worked together at a treatment center in Tampa. He informed me that a mutual friend of ours, Emilio, was reported missing. Emilio was a gentle soul who, like most of us that got deep in the drug lifestyle, had his share of demons. But he was a kind and fair man who had a heart that was filled with love for others. He was a new daddy and one night he just vanished. While walking into Moe's to have dinner with my family Jake called to let me know that Emilio's body had been found. I will never forget that Christmas. I sat in front of my loaded burrito with a dazed feeling all over my body. Emilio was a remarkable human being, and the world lost a great man the day that he was taken from us.  

2011 began with Amanda and I…well…shit was getting kinda real.  

Amanda and I ended up making the decision that I would move into her apartment. The reasoning that she gave was that it would be more economical, but I am sure that her being afraid of staying at my shitty apartment played a major role.  Around this time I also started getting an itch to do something more with myself. I was one year away from completing my Bachelors degree and I was starting to question what I was going to do with myself now that I had no schoolwork to complete or classes to attend. This was when the idea came to me….BAM! I am going to become Dr. Haber! So this was when I made the decision to pursue my PhD in Psychology.  If I had only known how much of an uphill climb the next 3 years would be on me because of this decision, perhaps I would have reconsidered. I developed a plan of action. I would boost my vita with extracurricular positions and accolades. I was asked to join the psychology honor society and attend the Psychology Club meetings. I worked with an outstanding neuropsychologist and mentor named Dr. Jason Albano, who pushed me to be the best PhD candidate that I could possibly be. I would spend hours in his office just asking for direction and recommendations. He suggested that I take the Psychometrist Certification exam, the gold standard in the field of psychometry. Dr. Albano would help me find time to study and my colleagues were an invaluable resources.

I will get more into the certification exam. But first, I am aware that I dropped a bit of a twist earlier with the Starting Attending Mass Again comment. As you could probably deduct from my postings on The Facebook that this just ain't me! Well, let me tell you about my Catholic Jon phase. Gowing up I attending Mass every Sunday with my grandfather. This was mostly due to the fact that he would buy me McDonalds afterwards. I never really had a strong belief in a god. Even as a kid I remember reading my CCD workbook and would think "Hey, wait a second. Something does not add up."  It was once I got sent to rehab that I slowly started to build a belief in a higher power. We would get taken to 12 Step meetings and I would hear everyone talk about how you can't make it in recovery without a Higher Power. So, I guess I better get one of those! So I would work with my sponsor and talk about it at meetings and eventually I had some sort of Higher Power of my own. It hit all of the qualifications that they told me. It was loving. It was forgiving. It was greater than me. Cool cool cool. Let's go full speed ahead with this whole recovery thing. It wasn’t until I started seeing a girl named Jill in Oklahoma that I was able to call it by the name God. I would attend church with her and one day I decided to go up and get "saved". And ever since then I started learning more about Christianity and my idea of God would change as I grew. I started going back to Mass after encouragement from a friend who was heavily into the Catholic Life. One thing about me is that I latch onto something and go deep into whatever that might be. Catholicism was no different. Before too long I was absorbing anything involving Catholic Dogma that I could get my hands on. Every night I would pray the Rosary. During Lent I would practice self-mortification. When Amanda and I started she started attending Mass with me and it became a fairly strong bond in our relationship. She was accepting of my zeal towards my beliefs at the time and would support me however she could. This was something that I would eventually take for granted, and what would be a major factor in the demise of our relationship.

And that is where I will end this chapter. I will get further into all of the changes that 2011 would bring. I will label this period the "Amanda Era".

Now I will say that there was a lot of heartache involved in the ending of our relationship. However, I will only write about her in a positive light. She played a very important role in my story, and there were so many great memories in my story that involved her. At this point time has faded most of the hurtful memories and the good ones are what remained. So stayed tuned for the next chapter where we will tag along with Amanda and Jon on their journeys around the country.

[tellyouaboutmyself]

November 6, 2016 2:28PM

On my twitter I like to play “notes roulette” where I go to the notes in my phone and select the best part of one and post the words. Today I came upon a note that I sent to a very special friend. The contents of that note are below.

A message to a friend.

Some days were worse than others. I didn’t like hearing your name or seeing your face because your dopey little smile and your eyes wrecked me. I understood completely what you were going through. I’ve been there. I know the process, and it’s something you have to figure out on your own with time. Because I understood, it just sucked I had to give you space to figure things out. I had to try to force myself to give you up in every way because I’m not right for you. I can’t make you feel like the others do. That hurts to know I can’t be what makes you feel a certain way and be the support you need. It felt like I wasn’t good enough. I’ve picked myself up from worse though, but ya it stung. To me, our minds clicked like nobody else I’d ever been around. I think that’s because we had that friendship foundation first. You just kind of felt like home to me.

I know you and I will never be anything. I get that. What I missed most in our silence was just hanging out with you and even ******. And I know you guys are busy too. We were friends before I complicated things. Even today I would rather be friends with you than lose you completely and have to pretend you don’t exist because you make my reality better.

I have always taken silences between friends and feeling like I’ve lost a person so hard. I don’t like goodbyes. Silence and feeling like I’ve been forgotten are my biggest fears. They always have been. That’s my own issue, but it’s one of my biggest ones.

Whether you know it or not, YOU changed me. I was dealing with the fact my 1st relationship failed after I trusted him so much. My ex cheated on me with like 4-6 girls and got fired from his job in ******* because of it. Talk about a fucked up situation. I was dealing with fuck boys thinking it was okay for them to try and comeback after the shit they had done. I had a fwb who is actually a nice guy, that I shouldn’t have messed around with, and even last night I rejected him.

YOU made me feel like it is okay to show my emotional side. It is okay to express what I’m feeling because my feelings aren’t dumb and they should be acknowledged. That’s what makes being a human so great and sometimes so awful haha. I used to jump into things with people fully knowing it was a bad idea, but I’m optimistic and impulsive. I’m an aggressive person and I like the physical aspect of relationships way too much. That used to be my outlet because at least for those moments it felt good being touched everywhere and desired, but you made me realize it’s all useless without having that mental connection. YOU made me realize that.

YOU made me want to be a better person in so many ways. I struggle with religion a lot. It’s one of the most difficult things I deal with because it causes so many complications in my family, but you made me not feel as bitter towards it for once in my life even though we didn’t talk about it much. I know it’s dumb, but I was willing to go to church and just listen. I just wanted to better understand because I know it’s important to you.

YOU made me want to learn about chemistry which is actually super lame haha. Even today I’m reading books about the makeup of brains and how we’re affected by the chemicals and hormones in our bodies and it’s so awesome and weird.

I haven’t rejected the 8 guys who have tried to get with me because of you. I rejected them because YOU changed something in me that made me not want to give myself away to anyone who doesn’t deserve my time, body and especially my mind. I don’t even want to dance with anybody in clubs because I don’t want another person touching me who doesn’t deserve to.

YOU made me respect and fall in love with myself again. I am still by far not perfect, but I am aware.

See, you probably had no clue what you were doing to me and my mind, and that’s okay. You were there in a time when I needed a revaluation. You opened my eyes. For that, I can never thank you enough.

Regardless of how you still feel about me I will always want to be a part of your life in anyway that I can. I will always support and worry about you regardless of whatever distance may or may not occur between us.

(And the songs you send me always make my day, because for at least a second I know you were thinking of me, and that’s a really satisfying feeling.)

Love, -E xx.

p.s. I never got the chance to tell this next part.

I realized I loved you in December of 2016. I was going to tell you in January 2017, but our silence grew again and by the time we were talking again in March 2017 it didn’t feel right to say that to you. You were different by then. I looked into your eyes and it felt like you were a stranger. For those brief few weeks I was given to spend release nights with you via text I was in paradise again. I used to and still think about you when your favorite artists play, but mansionz, to me mansionz is kind of our group.

From STFU and Rich White Girls coming out all the way to after the release and both of us accidentally creating a mansionz playlist with all of Blackbear and Mike Posner’s music to you sending me a picture of Mike’s “I’m Thinking About Horses” poem in his book after I created pictures with his poem on it that same day and posted it..I just bought mansionz merch last week. Mansionz is us, to me. There is a very special place in my heart for mansionz and for you.

We don’t talk everyday, which I’m surprisingly fine with because let’s be honest I think we are both the type of people to get burnt out from being in contact constantly. I don’t want to annoy you and I doubt you want to annoy me. For the time we do chat for a bit once a week or so, I still enjoy it.

Hun, it’s like eight months after I realized I loved you, four months since I told myself you were dead to me because your silence for another while almost killed me, a month since we started chatting again, and throughout all of that I still love you. I am not in love with you anymore, but I love you so so dearly. I have loved you through my confusion and pain. I have loved you through your confusion and pain. Hun, I’ve got you no matter what.

Sometimes I wonder if I changed you or inspired you in any way.

You helped change me for all of the good in the universe and for that I am glad we crossed paths.

xx.

[beaceswan]

update: september 30, 2018

i actually have not been on tumblr for years, but since i asked zoe to take away my social media platforms im resorting to this. also this is just a good outlet to release any thoughts of mine since not that many people are on here anymore. 

i am twenty years old now. in november i am turning twenty-one, and even though that is most people’s favorite age to approach for me, my birthday means that i am getting older and older, life is passing by, and i am still playing catch up. 

just going to address now that this entire post probably won’t make sense just because i am typing away as my thoughts come at me fast. it does not really matter anyways because i do not think anyone will read this other than zoe which is probably up to date on how i am feeling in general already. 

this week was hectic and today was turmoil. maybe it is just the fall season or maybe i really am entering phase one of adulthood or something because fuck man i am more confused than ever. i feel so out of tune with myself. my anxiety has been off the charts these days which sucks because i thought i dealt with all that shit spring of 2018, but here are these paralyzing ass thoughts again coming to haunt me. i often have to type or write my thoughts just to catch and release them so i am not immobilized for hours. even then, i feel unresolved.

wondering when i will gain clarity in my life. honestly as cliche as it sounds i am constantly posing the question: “who am i?” because really... who the FUCK am i?????? a lot of this year consisted of finding myself, and figuring out what i need and want and what i don’t. now i am just putting all the pieces together, but even then i feel as if what i’ve obtained is not enough. definitely some personal characteristics that i need to build up on. feeling like i am not good enough. do not want to feel that way anymore. 

i woke up feeling heavy hearted because of a multitude of things. one big factor is that yesterday at the dean’s party, joshua leaving to go to school in san antonio really settled in for me. maybe i am just being too emotional now, and the reality is, i am probably going to see him as often as i do now even when he is upstate just because in college, we do not see everyone we want to see as often even if we are just a few miles apart. everyone’s schedules are so busy and different from one another it is difficult to align. i don’t even think that he considers me that close, but for me, that boy holds such a special place in my heart especially after all that weird ass bull shit that we all encountered together as brunch club summer and fall of 2017. those were the best of times and those were the worst of times. pains me because i feel like a major part of my heart and pack here at home is parting. first all the other people that we parted from a little when we graduated high school, then miguel, then joshua, then others... goodbyes are difficult. 

the idea of me leaving home too is soon becoming a reality. october is now here. i plan on taking my ATI in november or december. need to turn in my applications in december and january as well. i hope things turn out well too. but this idea of me moving away from everything that i know and love is excruciating to even think about, so imagine how the hell i am going to react whenever things actually play out for me. this stresses me out to my core, man. last night when i came home, i just felt in my heart that i should stay home, but i do know that i want to do this overall. 

a lot of questions come to mind like: is macho going to be okay? are my parents going to be okay? they should’ve had another damn child to keep them company, but also help me fend for our family in the future lol. will my parents be depressed? will i be depressed? because i am pretty sure i will be because a lot of my strength does not come from within, but it comes from the people that love me dearly. other questions too. a lot more actually. i just do not like pressing the shift button to create the question mark because it makes my hands perform this unnatural position, hence why this entire post is not capitalized either. 

is this what adulthood is like? difficult and lonely? am i always going to feel confused and off centered? because if so, just off me now! just partially kidding, but honestly, the idea of living fast and dying young does sound appealing to me. i won’t do it ever though. i am not suicidal or anything. i obviously do want to see this life through. and despite the negative thoughts i do recognize that there are so many other things that are so prominently lovely in life that i have.

actually, i am going to talk about that now because of balance and shit right? pemdas? cancel out the negative with a positive. 

even though life is a little crazy, and i don’t know if i personally make it crazy because i am a little off as a person in general, or if it is just meant to be this way, i am blessed through and through. and even though it doesn’t feel great in these moments, it is still good. though this idea is something that i struggled with all my life, i know i am not alone. i know that i am far from it, even in these thoughts that i have in my head, i know there are many others that share the same feelings and contemplations. 

i know this is a major shift from the beginning of this post, but i am feeling better. may change in a few hours, but just because you are thinking certain thoughts it does not mean that they are always true. you control and have the power to believe what is prominent in your mind and what is not. 

thankful for a God that helps me recognize that. thankful for the resources and the people that he has provided me along this journey. it is full of valleys and mountains, but i’d like to believe that the ups and the good things in life are worth it. 

counting my blessings in maslow’s hierarchy of needs (basically, because i recognize that i am fulfilled to the brim and more)

1. physiological needs: i have the bare necessities in life. just had a good ass meal of corned beef and fried rice. haven’t had that combination in a while. can drink 8 glasses of water per day, even more, if i wanted to. was able to sleep, have air conditioning in my house. 

2. safety needs: security and safety is met. fortified house. former gangster of a dad who is in possession of several effective weapons. strong enough body? macho is a better watchdog now, he barks more when he feels threatened. my community is generally safe. i also have a good sense of intuition? 

3. belongingness and love needs: great family. me, mom, dad, and macho. they are the most perfect combination of beings that i could ask for in my life. sometimes my dad irritates the shit out of me, but i still love him endlessly, as he does me. i am blessed with the best of friends. honestly, i couldn’t ask for a better pack of people to lift me up and make life worth living. 

4. esteem needs: something that i am still working on, but for the most part, with the correct mindset, my perspective of self is much better than what it used to be. 

5. self-actualization: it’s getting there. i am getting there. i have all the resources that i need in life to be the best version of myself, and i am getting there. 

fighting! 

[pkmnwater]

WMUWNE: Sweater Weather

~I hate the beach.~ I say I love sweater weather, but that may be a little wrong. I love it when it’s chilly and cold enough that sweaters are the common choice outdoors, the time before heavy winter jackets come out. But that’s not really because of the cold. I don’t know, for some reason sweaters just seem extra comfortable and cozy, especially this time of the year, but only while out. Girls seem prettier and guys seem friendlier. Maybe it’s the juxtaposition I like, how we try to bundle up while we’re out, but once we get inside the most comfortable of clothes are light and flexible, or perhaps because that it almost encourages us to get closer together?? Or maybe it’s just that the seasons are changing and the most drastic of changes in terms of attire for the whole year happens when we put our Summer clothes away for the Fall.  Y’know, that’s always been something that’s bugged me ever since I can remember. Living in Canada, there’s four seasons, Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall. Simple enough, right?? Well, the thing that bothers me is how seasons are something so trivial, yet so important and essential. Furthermore, it’s always bothered me how we have “favourite” times of the year. Don’t get me wrong, I fully understand; when you’re given a set of things, you’re bound to have a preference. Colours, numbers, times of the day, names, words, etc. All of which are intrinsically the same when you think about it, but also different. (As opposed to a favourite work, such as a song, poem, etc. which is art and therefore can be argued good and bad, value, and how it could be improved upon, among other things.) In my mind, seasons fell under this too. There’s nothing to be done about the seasons, they come and go and cannot be controlled, so what’s the point of having a preference?? It’s not like we actually go and “take it in”; we simply live through it accordingly. I complain about it, but I too fall into the trap regardless.  For the sake of stating it, my favourite season was Summer throughout elementary school, a preference I shared with one of my closest friends at the time, and for a rather trivial reason too. However, since then, I’ve gradually drifted into liking Winter most. Right now though, I think I have a lean towards Spring, but we’ll see once the winds change again. Despite how mundane it is to have a favourite season, in my mind, I’ve always disliked Fall. In particular, November. Ugh, even just saying the word brings forebodes of dread within me. In the corner of my mind since I was little I’ve always had a certain distaste for the eleventh month of the year. It was the worst of Fall, things get wet and windy. The cold never bothered me, but watching the sky always became pretty much impossible around this time of year. The days get grey and the nights are just dark, not yet having the reflective luster that snow brings, nor clear enough for the city skyline to be refracted all the way from the horizon to brighten up my vicinity. Even worse is how peoples’ faces always seem more dull during the Fall, a testament that comes to a front by the end of October. Once the final “for fun” festivity of the year passes, people calm down and start to realize the year’s closing out.  For me, November has always marked the end of things, and I’ve hated it for as long as I can remember. [Well, that’s not completely fair, there was a while when November become tolerable to me, but perhaps as a sign of the times, that time has closed out it seems, and I digress.] November for all intents and purposes is the true end of the year in my opinion. While December becomes a happier time with the change of seasons and celebrations of the holidays and the New Year, November is just perpetual with nothing but monotony, if not trepidation. It’s when tests and final assignments are being worked on or thought about for school. It’s when struggling businesses need to figure out whether they can float on another year and/or what they have to do to make that happen. It’s when TV schedules change almost on a bi-weekly basis because viewership becomes so sporadic and unpredictable. And it’s when people start thinking about what they want to have moving forward. There’s just nothing enlightening about it. November is also the darkest month from my observations. Even clear days have a distinct “gray” undertone reminiscent of moorings, but those days are rare as more are marked with droning rains. Terrible droning rains that seem to be endless, bringing the kind or rain that hurts and stings the face as it falls, and then rubbed in a little further by piercing winds. Nights are even worse as it almost feels like all the light is sucked upwards. Streetlights fail to illuminate any more of the path than what’s directly below, and the blowing wind too distracted to lead travelers on any semblance of a path. And the moon seems like it’s not even trying to embellish the sky, as if it too needs a rest to recoup from the rest of the year. November is the end of things. And I’ve always hated it. But at least it’s sweater weather. 

[workingclassriotgrrrl]

“Just Rambling”, TL;DR

I’m sitting in the hot tub, lights off except for the glow of the laptop screen in front of me and the bright moon behind. This is the first time I’ve taken a moment to sit back and look up at the sky. There aren’t many stars but just enough to make out some scant constellations. The flooded creek is rushing past me, the wind biting at my exposed skin. It’s chilly enough so whenever I dip my bare arms into the hot water it stings. The glacial runoff is probably cold enough to send me into shock if I were ever to dip into it.

I’m sitting in the hot tub, naked as the day I was born. However, I’m not the same as I was the day I almost killed my mother. I’m crying still, but I’m quiet. I’m not screaming. It seems as I get older, the more problems arise. Hips and breasts, zits and hormones running through my body. The pudge of my belly that no matter what I do, how many meals and snacks I skip, just won’t go away.

We’re taught to be a certain way, but not like that. This is shameful, but we like it anyways. It gets so confusing at times that my head spins, spins so hard my skull rockets off my neck and into space.

My hair is falling out from the stress and anxiety. I ran out of pills the first month I came here. Not that I really took them. They said that the calm environment would help me slow down, help me to look at myself and fix my problems. It hasn’t done anything for me except help ruin my life, ruin my future, my relationships. It’s done nothing but hurt me.

Sure, it’s nice to have a little peace and quiet at times but this is too much quiet.

I get up at 10, sit at my computer looking at meaningless things, try to do some schoolwork but nothing ever gets done. I sit and sit and sit in silence, only hearing the clickety-clack of my keyboard until dinner. Do I eat small portions because I’m not hungry? Or is it something deeper? I always finish early, clean up my plates and go sit right back down on the couch, laptop in my lap. Once again, I point and click, click and point until just like Cinderella, the clock strikes 12 and I’m cut off. But I’m not Cinderella. I’m the pumpkin that gets smashed to bits and pieces.

Why do I feel the need to express myself through my sexuality. Why do I think it’s okay to be a slut, to “channel my inner stripper”? I’m sixteen. I don’t know why. I guess it’s the only thing I’ve got running for me. I know I’m not going to get into college. I wanted to at first, but is it my dream or my mother’s? It was hers at first, I guess. But college is hell. The education system is shit. I’m shit. So, might as well start practicing my future career as a prostitute. I feel guilty that I gave it up so early. That I didn’t make him work for it. I feel like I betrayed myself somehow. My mom says every time you have sex with someone, you give a piece of your soul away. I call bullshit, but that doesn’t mean I still can’t feel bad.

I always wanted to be an artist, or an actor. But then I see kids younger than me becoming world famous because they can do something better than I ever will, and I start to think, what’s the point? It’s not like I’ll ever do better than that. I’m not committed enough. I’m going to be stuck in a dead-end job, probably homeless because I can’t do basic fucking math I’m so stupid. It goes in one ear and out the other. It can’t get through my thick skull. I don’t get up off my fat ass and do anything meaningful. In the words of my loving father, “she’s a sixteen-year-old with the brain of a twelve-year-old.”. Thanks Dad.

I had my first real boyfriend from November 21st, 2015 to December 17th, 2016. I could tell things were falling apart. I asked him outright, “Do you still love me?” He avoided the question, telling me that he still cared about me. He dumped me right in front of my house. Looked into my eyes and said, “I don’t love you anymore”. I cursed his name, considered throwing his stuff away. But I still loved him in one dark corner of my heart, even though he hurt me and I hated him. We made up recently, but all we’ve been doing is fighting over my current choice of boyfriend. And I’m getting fed up.

My new boyfriend is older than me. I love him. Or I think I do. I’m not sure if he really loves me, or we’re just mistaking infatuation with love. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough, that he’ll see some other girl and fall for her. I’m afraid I won’t fit in with him. I’m afraid that he’ll see the real me, the liar, the manipulator, and want nothing to do with me. I’m afraid he’ll think I’m too immature, or not good enough, or not beautiful…I am afraid…

I’m tired.

I’m so damn tired.

I’m tired of the bullshit, I’m tired of being told I’m “stupid”, or “not good enough”

I’m tired of being judged for whatever I do.

“Brb lemme just go vomit for a sec”

“what did you do now, you slut”

I’m tired of being a child.

I’m tired of being not an adult.

I’m tired of being expected to be an adult.

I can’t even take care of myself. I can’t operate a fucking washing machine even though I’ve been showed countless times. I can’t hold a job, I can’t even find a job.

 I hate being here. I hate what it’s done to me. I hate not being able to feel anything.

I hate fighting with the boy I called my soulmate once.

I hate being born into a fucking crazy family.

I hate being separated from the few good friends I ever made in my small life.

I hate not being beautiful. I hate not being thin.

I hate not being smart in a world where grades matter over everything.

I hate being a liar.

I hate having to keep up whatever persona I’ve introduced to people.

 I’ve considered killing myself before. I’ve wondered how people would react, what they’d do. Would they cry? Would they be sad for a bit and then be relieved of not having to deal with me? Would I inspire anyone to be a better person or make a change in the world? I wonder how many people would show up.

But I can’t kill myself.

I’m too scared to cut, I hate taking pills.

I suck at tying knots, an oven would take too long.

And I don’t know how to use a gun.

 Would I say I’m depressed? No. Maybe. I’m a generally happy person, most people can tell you that.

But being stuck here in the middle of nowhere has done things to me. It’s slowed me down enough so I can see what’s wrong with me, and how I’m making things in my life even worse than they are. That’s what makes me depressed. But do I do anything to change it? No. Because I’m a stubborn bitch who doesn’t like to ask for help, a girl who doesn’t want to play by the rules.

I’m terrified and so, so tired. I lied.

I’m not crying. I never was. I never do.

I’m damaged goods. Please return to sender.

Help

 (Author’s Note: I hardly remember writing any of this, holy shit.I just had a really bad fight with my ex the other day and I’ve just been super stressed and shut like that. :/)

[readbookywooks]

The Marauder's Map

Madam Pomfrey insisted on keeping Harry in the hospital wing for the rest of the weekend. He didn't argue or complain, but he wouldn't let her throw away the shattered remnants of his Nimbus Two Thousand. He knew he was being stupid, knew that the Nimbus was beyond repair, but Harry couldn't help it; he felt as though he'd lost one of his best friends. He had a stream of visitors, all intent on cheering him up. Hagrid sent him a bunch of earwiggy flowers that looked like yellow cabbages, and Ginny Weasley, blushing furiously, turned up with a get-well card she had made herself, which sang shrilly unless Harry kept it shut under his bowl of fruit. The Gryffindor team visited again on Sunday morning, this time accompanied by Wood, who told Harry (in a hollow, dead sort of voice) that he didn't blame him in the slightest. Ron and Hermione left Harry's bedside only at night. But nothing anyone said or did could make Harry feel any better, because they knew only half of what was troubling him. He hadn't told anyone about the Grim, not even Ron and Hermione, because he knew Ron would panic and Hermione would scoff. The fact remained, however, that it had now appeared twice, and both appearances had been followed by near-fatal accidents; the first time, he had nearly been run over by the Knight Bus; the second, fallen fifty feet from his broomstick. Was the Grim going to haunt him until he actually died? Was he going to spend the rest of his life looking over his shoulder for the beast? And then there were the Dementors. Harry felt sick and humiliated every time he thought of them. Everyone said the Dementors were horrible, but no one else collapsed every time they went near one. No one else heard echoes in their head of their dying parents. Because Harry knew who that screaming voice belonged to now. He had heard her words, heard them over and over again during the night hours in the hospital wing while he lay awake, staring at the strips of moonlight on the ceiling. When the Dementors approached him, he heard the last moments of his mother's life, her attempts to protect him, Harry, from Lord Voldemort, and Voldemort's laughter before he murdered her...Harry dozed fitfully, sinking into dreams full of clammy, rotted hands and petrified pleading, jerking awake to dwell again on his mother's voice. It was a relief to return to the noise and bustle of the main school on Monday, where he was forced to think about other things, even if he had to endure Draco Malfoy's taunting. Malfoy was almost beside himself with glee at Gryffindor's defeat. He had finally taken off his bandages, and celebrated having the full use of both arms again by doing spirited imitations of Harry falling off his broom. Malfoy spent much of their next Potions class doing Dementor imitations across the dungeon; Ron finally cracked and flung a large, slippery crocodile heart at Malfoy, which hit him in the face and caused Snape to take fifty points from Gryffindor. "If Snape's teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts again, I'm skiving off," said Ron as they headed toward Lupin's classroom after lunch. "Check who's in there, Hermione." Hermione peered around the classroom door. "It's okay!" Professor Lupin was back at work. It certainly looked as though he had been ill. His old robes were hanging more loosely on him and there were dark shadows beneath his eyes; nevertheless, he smiled at the class as they took their seats, and they burst at once into an explosion of complaints about Snape's behavior while Lupin had been ill. "It's not fair, he was only filling in, why should he give us homework?" "We don't know anything about werewolves --" "-- two rolls of parchment!" "Did you tell Professor Snape we haven't covered them yet?" Lupin asked, frowning slightly. The babble broke out again. "Yes, but he said we were really behind --" "-- he wouldn't listen --" "-- two rolls of parchment!" Professor Lupin smiled at the look of indignation on every face. "Don't worry. I'll speak to Professor Snape. You don't have to do the essay." "Oh no," said Hermione, looking very disappointed. "I've already finished it!" They had a very enjoyable lesson. Professor Lupin had brought along a glass box containing a Hinkypunk, a little one-legged creature who looked as though he were made of wisps of smoke, rather frail and harmless looking. "Lures travelers into bogs," said Professor Lupin as they took notes. "You notice the lantern dangling from his hand? Hops ahead -- people follow the light -- then --" The Hinkypunk made a horrible squelching noise against the glass. When the bell rang, everyone gathered up their things and headed for the door, Harry among them, but -- "Wait a moment, Harry," Lupin called. "I'd like a word." Harry doubled back and watched Professor Lupin covering the Hinkypunk's box with a cloth. "I heard about the match," said Lupin, turning back to his desk and starting to pile books into his briefcase, "and I'm sorry about your broomstick. Is there any chance of fixing it?" "No," said Harry. "The tree smashed it to bits." Lupin sighed. "They planted the Whomping Willow the same year that I arrived at Hogwarts. People used to play a game, trying to get near enough to touch the trunk. In the end, a boy called Davey Gudgeon nearly lost an eye, and we were forbidden to go near it. No broomstick would have a chance." "Did you hear about the Dementors too?" said Harry with difficulty. Lupin looked at him quickly. "Yes, I did. I don't think any of us have seen Professor Dumbledore that angry. They have been growing restless for some time...furious at his refusal to let them inside the grounds...I suppose they were the reason you fell?" "Yes," said Harry. He hesitated, and then the question he had to ask burst from him before he could stop himself. "Why? Why do they affect me like that? Am I just --?" "It has nothing to do with weakness," said Professor Lupin sharply, as though he had read Harry's mind. "The Dementors affect you worse than the others because there are horrors in your past that the others don't have." A ray of wintry sunlight fell across the classroom, illuminating Lupin's gray hairs and the lines on his young face. "Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them. Even Muggles feel their presence, though they can't see them. Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself -- soul-less and evil. You'll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life. And the worst that happened to you, Harry, is enough to make anyone fall off their broom. You have nothing to feel ashamed of." "When they get near me --" Harry stared at Lupin's desk, his throat tight. "I can hear Voldemort murdering my mum." Lupin made a sudden motion with his arm as though to grip Harry's shoulder, but thought better of it. There was a moment's silence, then -- "Why did they have to come to the match?" said Harry bitterly. "They're getting hungry," said Lupin coolly, shutting his briefcase with a snap. "Dumbledore won't let them into the school, so their supply of human prey has dried up...I don't think they could resist the large crowd around the Quidditch field. All that excitement...emotions running high...it was their idea of a feast." "Azkaban must be terrible," Harry muttered. Lupin nodded grimly. "The fortress is set on a tiny island, way out to sea, but they don't need walls and water to keep the prisoners in, not when they're all trapped inside their own heads, incapable of a single cheery thought. Most of them go mad within weeks." "But Sirius Black escaped from them," Harry said slowly. "He got away..." Lupin's briefcase slipped from the desk; he had to stoop quickly to catch it. "Yes," he said, straightening up, "Black must have found a way to fight them. I wouldn't have believed it possible...Dementors are supposed to drain a wizard of his powers if he is left with them too long..." "You made that Dementor on the train back off," said Harry suddenly. "There are -- certain defenses one can use," said Lupin. "But there was only one Dementor on the train. The more there are, the more difficult it becomes to resist." "What defenses?" said Harry at once. "Can you teach me?" "I don't pretend to be an expert at fighting Dementors, Harry -- quite the contrary..." "But if the Dementors come to another Quidditch match, I need to be able to fight them --" Lupin looked into Harry's determined face, hesitated, then said, "Well...all right. I'll try and help. But it'll have to wait until next term, I'm afraid. I have a lot to do before the holidays. I chose a very inconvenient time to fall ill." ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡*¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡*¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡*¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡*¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡*¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡* What with the promise of anti-Dementor lessons from Lupin, the thought that he might never have to hear his mother's death again, and the fact that Ravenclaw flattened Hufflepuff in their Quidditch match at the end of November, Harry's mood took a definite upturn. Gryffindor were not out of the running after all, although they could not afford to lose another match. Wood became repossessed of his manic energy, and worked his team as hard as ever in the chilly haze of rain that persisted into December. Harry saw no hint of a Dementor within the grounds. Dumbledore's anger seemed to be keeping them at their stations at the entrances. Two weeks before the end of the term, the sky lightened suddenly to a dazzling, opaline white and the muddy grounds were revealed one morning covered in glittering frost. Inside the castle, there was a buzz of Christmas in the air. Professor Flitwick, the Charms teacher, had already decorated his classroom with shimmering lights that turned out to be real, fluttering fairies. The students were all happily discussing their plans for the holidays. Both Ron and Hermione had decided to remain at Hogwarts, and though Ron said it was because he couldn't stand two weeks with Percy, and Hermione insisted she needed to use the library, Harry wasn't fooled; they were doing it to keep him company, and he was very grateful. To everyone's delight except Harry's, there was to be another Hogsmeade trip on the very last weekend of the term. "We can do all our Christmas shopping there!" said Hermione. "Mum and Dad would really love those Toothflossing Stringmints from Honeydukes!" Resigned to the fact that he would be the only third year staying behind again, Harry borrowed a copy of Which Broomstick from Wood, and decided to spend the day reading up on the different makes. He had been riding one of the school brooms at team practice, an ancient Shooting Star, which was very slow and jerky; he definitely needed a new broom of his own. On the Saturday morning of the Hogsmeade trip, Harry bid good-bye to Ron and Hermione, who were wrapped in cloaks and scarves, then turned up the marble staircase alone, and headed back toward Gryffindor Tower. Snow had started to fall outside the windows, and the castle was very still and quiet. "Psst -- Harry!" He turned, halfway along the third-floor corridor, to see Fred and George peering out at him from behind a statue of a humpbacked, one-eyed witch. "What are you doing?" said Harry curiously. "How come you're not going to Hogsmeade?" "We've come to give you a bit of festive cheer before we go," said Fred, with a mysterious wink. "Come in here..." He nodded toward an empty classroom to the left of the one-eyed statue. Harry followed Fred and George inside. George closed the door quietly and then turned, beaming, to look at Harry. "Early Christmas present for you, Harry," he said. Fred pulled something from inside his cloak with a flourish and laid it on one of the desks. It was a large, square, very worn piece of parchment with nothing written on it. Harry, suspecting one of Fred and George's jokes, stared at it. "What's that supposed to be?" "This, Harry, is the secret of our success," said George, patting the parchment fondly. "It's a wrench, giving it to you," said Fred, "but we decided last night, your need's greater than ours." "Anyway, we know it by heart," said George. "We bequeath it to you. We don't really need it anymore." "And what do I need with a bit of old parchment?" said Harry. "A bit of old parchment!" said Fred, closing his eyes with a grimace as though Harry had mortally offended him. "Explain, George." "Well...when we were in our first year, Harry -- young, carefree, and innocent --" Harry snorted. He doubted whether Fred and George had ever been innocent. "¨C well, more innocent than we are now -- we got into a spot of bother with Filch." "We let off a Dungbomb in the corridor and it upset him for some reason --" "So he hauled us off to his office and started threatening us with the usual --" "-- detention --" "-- disembowelment --" "-- and we couldn't help noticing a drawer in one of his filing cabinets marked Confiscated and Highly Dangerous." "Don't tell me --" said Harry, starting to grin. "Well, what would you've done?" said Fred. "George caused a diversion by dropping another Dungbomb, I whipped the drawer open, and grabbed -- this." "It's not as bad as it sounds, you know," said George. "We don't reckon Filch ever found out how to work it. He probably suspected what it was, though, or he wouldn't have confiscated it." "And you know how to work it?" "Oh yes," said Fred, smirking. "This little beauty's taught us more than all the teachers in this school." "You're winding me up," said Harry, looking at the ragged old bit of parchment. "Oh, are we?" said George. He took out his wand, touched the parchment lightly, and said, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." And at once, thin ink lines began to spread like a spider's web from the point that George's wand had touched. They joined each other, they crisscrossed, they fanned into every corner of the parchment; then words began to blossom across the top, great, curly green words, that proclaimed: Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers are proud to present THE MARAUDER'S MAP It was a map showing every detail of the Hogwarts castle and grounds. But the truly remarkable thing were the tiny ink dots moving around it, each labeled with a name in minuscule writing. Astounded, Harry bent over it. A labeled dot in the top left corner showed that Professor Dumbledore was pacing his study; the caretaker's cat, Mrs. Norris, was prowling the second floor; and Peeves the Poltergeist was currently bouncing around the trophy room. And as Harry's eyes traveled up and down the familiar corridors, he noticed something else. This map showed a set of passages he had never entered. And many of them seemed to lead -- "Right into Hogsmeade," said Fred, tracing one of them with his finger. "There are seven in all. Now, Filch knows about these four" -- he pointed them out -- "but we're sure we're the only ones who know about these. Don't bother with the one behind the mirror on the fourth floor. We used it until last winter, but it's caved in -- completely blocked. And we don't reckon anyone's ever used this one, because the Whomping Willow's planted right over the entrance. But this one here, this one leads right into the cellar of Honeydukes. We've used it loads of times. And as you might've noticed, the entrance is right outside this room, through that one-eyed old crone's hump." "Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs," sighed George, patting the heading of the map. "We owe them so much." "Noble men, working tirelessly to help a new generation of lawbreakers," said Fred solemnly. "Right," said George briskly. "Don't forget to wipe it after you've used it --" "-- or anyone can read it," Fred said warningly. "Just tap it again and say, "Mischief managed!" And it'll go blank." "So, young Harry," said Fred, in an uncanny impersonation of Percy, "mind you behave yourself." "See you in Honeydukes," said George, winking. They left the room, both smirking in a satisfied sort of way. Harry stood there, gazing at the miraculous map. He watched the tiny ink Mrs. Norris turn left and pause to sniff at something on the floor. If Filch really didn't know...he wouldn't have to pass the Dementors at all.... But even as he stood there, flooded with excitement, something Harry had once heard Mr. Weasley say came floating out of his memory. Never trust anything that can think for itself, if you can't see where it keeps its brain. This map was one of those dangerous magical objects Mr. Weasley had been warning against...Aids for Magical Mischief Makers...but then, Harry reasoned, he only wanted to use it to get into Hogsmeade, it wasn't as though he wanted to steal anything or attack anyone...and Fred and George had been using it for years without anything horrible happening... Harry traced the secret passage to Honeydukes with his finger. Then, quite suddenly, as though following orders, he rolled up the map, stuffed it inside his robes, and hurried to the door of the classroom. He opened it a couple of inches. There was no one outside. Very carefully, he edged out of the room and behind the statue of the one-eyed witch. What did he have to do? He pulled out the map again and saw to his astonishment, that a new ink figure had appeared upon it, labeled 'Harry Potter'. This figure was standing exactly where the real Harry was standing, about halfway down the third-floor corridor. Harry watched carefully. His little Ink self appeared to be tapping the witch with his minute wand. Harry quickly took out his real wand and tapped the statue. Nothing happened. He looked back at the map. The tiniest speech bubble had appeared next to his figure. The word inside said, 'Dissendium.' "Dissendium!" Harry whispered, tapping the stone witch again. At once, the statue's hump opened wide enough to admit a fairly thin person. Harry glanced quickly up and down the corridor, then tucked the map away again, hoisted himself into the hole headfirst, and pushed himself forward. He slid a considerable way down what felt like a stone slide, then landed on cold, damp earth. He stood up, looking around. It was pitch dark. He held up his wand, muttered, "Lumos!" and saw that he was in a very narrow, low, earthy passageway. He raised the map, tapped it with the tip of his wand, and muttered, "Mischief managed!" The map went blank at once. He folded it carefully, tucked it inside his robes, then, heart beating fast, both excited and apprehensive, he set off. The passage twisted and turned, more like the burrow of a giant rabbit than anything else. Harry hurried along it, stumbling now and then on the uneven floor, holding his wand out in front of him. It took ages, but Harry had the thought of Honeydukes to sustain him. After what felt like an hour, the passage began to rise. Panting, Harry sped up, his face hot, his feet very cold. Ten minutes later, he came to the foot of some worn stone steps, which rose out of sight above him. Careful not to make any noise, Harry began to climb. A hundred steps, two hundred steps, he lost count as he climbed, watching his feet...then, without warning, his head hit something hard. It seemed to be a trapdoor. Harry stood there, massaging the top of his head, listening. He couldn't hear any sounds above him. Very slowly, he pushed the trapdoor open and peered over the edge. He was in a cellar, which was full of wooden crates and boxes. Harry climbed out of the trapdoor and replaced it -- it blended so perfectly with the dusty floor that it was impossible to tell it was there. Harry crept slowly toward the wooden staircase that led upstairs. Now he could definitely hear voices, not to mention the tinkle of a bell and the opening and shutting of a door. Wondering what he ought to do, he suddenly heard a door open much closer at hand; somebody was about to come downstairs. "And get another box of Jelly Slugs, dear, they've nearly cleaned us out --" said a woman's voice. A pair of feet was coming down the staircase. Harry leapt behind an enormous crate and waited for the footsteps to pass. He heard the man shifting boxes against the opposite wall. He might not get another chance -- Quickly and silently, Harry dodged out from his hiding place and climbed the stairs; looking back, he saw an enormous backside and shiny bald head, buried in a box. Harry reached the door at the top of the stairs, slipped through it, and found himself behind the counter of Honeydukes -- he ducked, crept sideways, and then straightened up. Honeydukes was so crowded with Hogwarts students that no one looked twice at Harry. He edged among them, looking around, and suppressed a laugh as he imagined the look that would spread over Dudley's piggy face if he could see where Harry was now. There were shelves upon shelves of the most succulent-looking sweets imaginable. Creamy chunks of nougat, shimmering pink squares of coconut ice, fat, honey-colored toffees; hundreds of different kinds of chocolate in neat rows; there was a large barrel of Every Flavor Beans, and another of Fizzing Whizbees, the levitating sherbet balls that Ron had mentioned; along yet another wall were 'Special Effects' -- sweets: Droobles Best Blowing Gum (which filled a room with bluebell-colored bubbles that refused to pop for days), the strange, splintery Toothflossing Stringmints, tiny black Pepper Imps ('breathe fire for your friends!'), Ice Mice ('hear your teeth chatter and squeak!'), peppermint creams shaped like toads ('hop realistically in the stomach!'), fragile sugar-spun quills, and exploding bonbons. Harry squeezed himself through a crowd of sixth years and saw a sign hanging in the farthest corner of the shop (UNUSUAL TASTES). Ron and Hermione were standing underneath it, examining a tray of blood-flavored lollipops. Harry sneaked up behind them. "Ugh, no, Harry won't want one of those, they're for vampires, I expect," Hermione was saying. "How about these?" said Ron, shoving a jar of Cockroach Clusters under Hermione's nose. "Definitely not," said Harry. Ron nearly dropped the jar. "Harry!" squealed Hermione. "What are you doing here? How -- how did you --?" "Wow!" said Ron, looking very impressed, "you've learned to Apparate!" "'Course I haven't," said Harry. He dropped his voice so that none of the sixth years could hear him and told them all about the Marauder's Map. "How come Fred and George never gave it to me!" said Ron, outraged. "I'm their brother!" "But Harry isn't going to keep it!" said Hermione, as though the idea were ludicrous. "He's going to hand it in to Professor McGonagall, aren't you, Harry?" "No, I'm not!" said Harry. "Are you mad?" said Ron, goggling at Hermione. "Hand in something that good?" "If I hand it in, I'll have to say where I got it! Filch would know Fred and George had nicked it!" "But what about Sirius Black?" Hermione hissed. "He could be using one of the passages on that map to get into the castle! The teachers have got to know!" "He can't be getting in through a passage," said Harry quickly. "There are seven secret tunnels on the map, right? Fred and George reckon Filch already knows about four of them. And of the other three -- one of them's caved in, so no one can get through it. One of them's got the Whomping Willow planted over the entrance, so you can't get out of it. And the one I just came through -- well -- it's really hard to see the entrance to it down in the cellar -- so unless he knew it was there --" Harry hesitated. What if Black did know the passage was there? Ron, however, cleared his throat significantly, and pointed to a notice pasted on the inside of the sweetshop door. BY ORDER OF THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC Customers are reminded that until further notice, Dementors will be patrolling the streets of Hogsmeade every night after sundown. This measure has been put in place for the safety of Hogsmeade residents and will be lifted upon the recapture of Sirius Black. It is therefore advisable that you complete your shopping well before nightfall. Merry Christmas! "See?" said Ron quietly. "I'd like to see Black try and break into Honeydukes with Dementors swarming all over the village. Anyway, Hermione, the Honeydukes owners would hear a break-in, wouldn't they? They live over the shop!" "Yes, but -- but --" Heroine seemed to be struggling to find another problem. "Look, Harry still shouldn't be coming into Hogsmeade. He hasn't got a signed form! If anyone finds out, he'll be in so much trouble! And it's not nightfall yet -- what if Sirius Black turns up today? Now?" "He'd have a job spotting Harry in this," said Ron, nodding through the mullioned windows at the thick, swirling snow. "Come on, Hermione, it's Christmas. Harry deserves a break." Hermione bit her lip, looking extremely worried. "Are you going to report me?" Harry asked her, grinning. "Oh -- of course not -- but honestly, Harry --" "Seen the Fizzing Whizbees, Harry?" said Ron, grabbing him and leading him over to their barrel. "And the Jelly Slugs? And the Acid Pops? Fred gave me one of those when I was seven -- it burnt a hole right through my tongue. I remember Mum walloping him with her broomstick." Ron stared broodingly into the Acid Pop box. "Reckon Fred'd take a bite of Cockroach Cluster if I told him they were peanuts?" When Ron and Hermione had paid for all their sweets, the three of them left Honeydukes for the blizzard outside. Hogsmeade looked like a Christmas card; the little thatched cottages and shops were all covered in a layer of crisp snow; there were holly wreaths on the doors and strings of enchanted candles hanging in the trees. Harry shivered; unlike the other two, he didn't have his cloak. They headed up the street, heads bowed against the wind, Ron and Hermione shouting through their scarves. "That's the post office --" "Zonko's is up there --" "We could go up to the Shrieking Shack --" "Tell you what," said Ron, his teeth chattering, "shall we go for a butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks?" Harry was more than willing; the wind was fierce and his hands were freezing, so they crossed the road, and in a few minutes were entering the tiny inn. It was extremely crowded, noisy, warm, and smoky. A curvy sort of woman with a pretty face was serving a bunch of rowdy warlocks up at the bar. "That's Madam Rosmerta," said Ron. "I'll get the drinks, shall I?" he added, going slightly red. Harry and Hermione made their way to the back of the room, where there was a small, vacant table between the window and a handsome Christmas tree, which stood next to the fireplace. Ron came back five minutes later, carrying three foaming tankards of hot butterbeer. "Merry Christmas!" he said happily, raising his tankard. Harry drank deeply. It was the most delicious thing he'd ever tasted and seemed to heat every bit of him from the inside. A sudden breeze ruffled his hair. The door of the Three Broomsticks had opened again. Harry looked over the rim of his tankard and choked. Professors McGonagall and Flitwick had just entered the pub with a flurry of snowflakes, shortly followed by Hagrid, who was deep in conversation with a portly man in a lime-green bowler hat and a pinstriped cloak -- Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic. In an instant, Ron and Hermione had both placed hands on the top of Harry's head and forced him off his stool and under the table. Dripping with butterbeer and crouching out of sight, Harry clutched his empty tankard and watched the teachers' and Fudge's feet move toward the bar, pause, then turn and walk right toward him. Somewhere above him, Hermione whispered, "Mobiliarbus!" The Christmas tree beside their table rose a few inches off the ground, drifted sideways, and landed with a soft thump right in front of their table, hiding them from view. Staring through the dense lower branches, Harry saw four sets of chair legs move back from the table right beside theirs, then heard the grunts and sighs of the teachers and minister as they sat down. Next he saw another pair of feet, wearing sparkly turquoise high heels, and heard a woman's voice. "A small gillywater --" "Mine," said Professor McGonagall's voice. "Four pints of mulled mead --" "Ta, Rosmerta," said Hagrid. "A cherry syrup and soda with ice and umbrella --" "Mmm!" said Professor Flitwick, smacking his lips. "So you'll be the red currant rum, Minister." "Thank you, Rosmerta, m'dear," said Fudge's voice. "Lovely to see you again, I must say. Have one yourself, won't you? Come and join us..." "Well, thank you very much, Minister." Harry watched the glittering heels march away and back again. His heart was pounding uncomfortably in his throat. Why hadn't it occurred to him that this was the last weekend of term for the teachers too? And how long were they going to sit there? He needed time to sneak back into Honeydukes if he wanted to return to school tonight ... Hermione's leg gave a nervous twitch next to him. "So, what brings you to this neck of the woods, Minister?" came Madam Rosmerta's voice. Harry saw the lower part of Fudge's thick body twist in his chair as though he were checking for eavesdroppers. Then he said in a quiet voice, "What else, m'dear, but Sirius Black? I daresay you heard what happened up at the school at Halloween?" "I did hear a rumor," admitted Madam Rosmerta. "Did you tell the whole pub, Hagrid?" said Professor McGonagall exasperatedly. "Do you think Black's still in the area, Minister?" whispered Madam Rosmerta. "I'm sure of it," said Fudge shortly. "You know that the Dementors have searched the whole village twice?" said Madam Rosmerta, a slight edge to her voice. "Scared all my customers away...It's very bad for business, Minister." "Rosmerta, dear, I don't like them any more than you do," said Fudge uncomfortably. "Necessary precaution... unfortunate, but there you are...I've just met some of them. They're in a fury against Dumbledore -- he won't let them inside the castle grounds." "I should think not," said Professor McGonagall sharply. "How are we supposed to teach with those horrors floating around?" "Hear, hear!" squeaked tiny Professor Flitwick, whose feet were dangling a foot from the ground. "All the same," demurred Fudge, "they are here to protect you all from something much worse...We all know what Black's capable of..." "Do you know, I still have trouble believing it," said Madam Rosmerta thoughtfully. "Of all the people to go over to the Dark Side, Sirius Black was the last I'd have thought...I mean, I remember him when he was a boy at Hogwarts. If you'd told me then what he was going to become, I'd have said you'd had too much mead." "You don't know the half of it, Rosmerta," said Fudge gruffly. "The worst he did isn't widely known." "The worst?" said Madam Rosmerta, her voice alive with curiosity. "Worse than murdering all those poor people, you mean?" "I certainly do," said Fudge. "I can't believe that. What could possibly be worse?" "You say you remember him at Hogwarts, Rosmerta," murmured Professor McGonagall. "Do you remember who his best friend was?" "Naturally," said Madam Rosmerta, with a small laugh. "Never saw one without the other, did you? The number of times I had them in here -- ooh, they used to make me laugh. Quite the double act, Sirius Black and James Potter!" Harry dropped his tankard with a loud clunk. Ron kicked him. "Precisely," said Professor McGonagall. "Black and Potter. Ringleaders of their little gang. Both very bright, of course -- exceptionally bright, in fact -- but I don't think we've ever had such a pair of troublemakers --" "I dunno," chuckled Hagrid. "Fred and George Weasley could give 'em a run fer their money." "You'd have thought Black and Potter were brothers!" chimed in Professor Flitwick. "Inseparable!" "Of course they were," said Fudge. "Potter trusted Black beyond all his other friends. Nothing changed when they left school. Black was best man when James married Lily. Then they named him godfather to Harry. Harry has no idea, of course. You can imagine how the idea would torment him." "Because Black turned out to be in league with You-Know-Who?" whispered Madam Rosmerta. "Worse even than that, m'dear..." Fudge dropped his voice and proceeded in a sort of low rumble. "Not many people are aware that the Potters knew You-Know-Who was after them. Dumbledore, who was of course working tirelessly against You-Know-Who, had a number of useful spies. One of them tipped him off, and he alerted James and Lily at once. He advised them to go into hiding. Well, of course, You-Know-Who wasn't an easy person to hide from. Dumbledore told them that their best chance was the Fidelius Charm." "How does that work?" said Madam Rosmerta, breathless with interest. Professor Flitwick cleared his throat. "An immensely complex spell," he said squeakily, "involving the magical concealment of a secret inside a single, living soul. The information is hidden inside the chosen person, or Secret-Keeper, and is henceforth impossible to find -- unless, of course, the Secret-Keeper chooses to divulge it. As long as the Secret-Keeper refused to speak, You-Know-Who could search the village where Lily and James were staying for years and never find them, not even if he had his nose pressed against their sitting room window!" "So Black was the Potters' Secret-Keeper?" whispered Madam Rosmerta. "Naturally," said Professor McGonagall. "James Potter told Dumbledore that Black would die rather than tell where they were, that Black was planning to go into hiding himself...and yet, Dumbledore remained worried. I remember him offering to be the Potters' Secret-Keeper himself." "He suspected Black?" gasped Madam Rosmerta. "He was sure that somebody close to the Potters had been keeping You-Know-Who informed of their movements," said Professor McGonagall darkly. "Indeed, he had suspected for some time that someone on our side had turned traitor and was passing a lot of information to You-Know-Who." "But James Potter insisted on using Black?" "He did," said Fudge heavily. "And then, barely a week after the Fidelius Charm had been performed --" "Black betrayed them?" breathed Madam Rosmerta. "He did indeed. Black was tired of his double-agent role, he was ready to declare his support openly for You-Know-Who, and he seems to have planned this for the moment of the Potters' death. But, as we all know, You-Know-Who met his downfall in little Harry Potter. Powers gone, horribly weakened, he fled. And this left Black in a very nasty position indeed. His master had fallen at the very moment when he, Black, had shown his true colors as a traitor. He had no choice but to run for it --" "Filthy, stinkin' turncoat!" Hagrid said, so loudly that half the bar went quiet. "Shh!" said Professor McGonagall. "I met him!" growled Hagrid. "I musta bin the last ter see him before he killed all them people! It was me what rescued Harry from Lily an' James's house after they was killed! Jus' got him outta the ruins, poor little thing, with a great slash across his forehead, an' his parents dead...an' Sirius Black turns up, on that flyin' motorbike he used ter ride. Never occurred ter me what he was doin' there. I didn' know he'd bin Lily an' James's Secret-Keeper. Thought he'd jus' heard the news o' You-Know-Who's attack an' come ter see what he could do. White an' shakin', he was. An' yeh know what I did? I COMFORTED THE MURDERIN' TRAITOR!" Hagrid roared. "Hagrid, please!" said Professor McGonagall. "Keep your voice down!" "How was I ter know he wasn' upset abou' Lily an' James? It was You-Know-Who he cared abou'! An' then he says, "Give Harry ter me, Hagrid, I'm his godfather, I'll look after him --" Ha! But I'd had me orders from Dumbledore, an' I told Black no, Dumbledore said Harry was ter go ter his aunt an' uncle's. Black argued, but in the end he gave in. Told me ter take his motorbike ter get Harry there. "I won't need it anymore," he says. "I shoulda known there was somethin' fishy goin' on then. He loved that motorbike, what was he givin' it ter me for? Why wouldn' he need it anymore? Fact was, it was too easy ter trace. Dumbledore knew he'd bin the Potters' Secret-Keeper. Black knew he was goin' ter have ter run fer it that night, knew it was a matter o' hours before the Ministry was after him. "But what if I'd given Harry to him, eh? I bet he'd've pitched him off the bike halfway out ter sea. His bes' friends' son! But when a wizard goes over ter the Dark Side, there's nothin' and no one that matters to em anymore..." A long silence followed Hagrid's story. Then Madam Rosmerta said with some satisfaction, "But he didn't manage to disappear, did he? The Ministry of Magic caught up with him next day!" "Alas, if only we had," said Fudge bitterly. "It was not we who found him. It was little Peter Pettigrew -- another of the Potters' friends. Maddened by grief, no doubt, and knowing that Black had been the Potters' Secret-Keeper, he went after Black himself." "Pettigrew...that fat little boy who was always tagging around after them at Hogwarts?" said Madam Rosmerta. "Hero-worshipped Black and Potter," said Professor McGonagall. "Never quite in their league, talent-wise. I was often rather sharp with him. You can imagine how I -- how I regret that now..." She sounded as though she had a sudden head cold. "There, now, Minerva," said Fudge kindly, "Pettigrew died a hero's death. Eyewitnesses -- Muggles, of course, we wiped their memories later -- told us how Pettigrew cornered Black. They say he was sobbing, 'Lily and James, Sirius! How could you?' And then he went for his wand. Well, of course, Black was quicker. Blew Pettigrew to smithereens...." Professor McGonagall blew her nose and said thickly, "Stupid boy...foolish boy...he was always hopeless at dueling...should have left it to the Ministry ..." "I tell yeh, if I'd got ter Black before little Pettigrew did, I wouldn't've messed around with wands -- I'd 've ripped him limb -- from -- limb," Hagrid growled. "You don't know what you're talking about, Hagrid," said Fudge sharply. "Nobody but trained Hit Wizards from the Magical Law Enforcement Squad would have stood a chance against Black once he was cornered. I was Junior Minister in the Department of Magical Catastrophes at the time, and I was one of the first on the scene after Black murdered all those people. I -- I will never forget it. I still dream about it sometimes. A crater in the middle of the street, so deep it had cracked the sewer below. Bodies everywhere. Muggles screaming. And Black standing there laughing, with what was left of Pettigrew in front of him...a heap of bloodstained robes and a few -- a few fragments --" Fudge's voice stopped abruptly. There was the sound of five noses being blown. "Well, there you have it, Rosmerta," said Fudge thickly. "Black was taken away by twenty members of the Magical Law Enforcement Squad and Pettigrew received the Order of Merlin, First Class, which I think was some comfort to his poor mother. Black's been in Azkaban ever since." Madam Rosmerta let out a long sigh. "Is it true he's mad, Minister?" "I wish I could say that he was," said Fudge slowly. "I certainly believe his master's defeat unhinged him for a while. The murder of Pettigrew and all those Muggles was the action of a cornered and desperate man -- cruel... pointless. Yet I met Black on my last inspection of Azkaban. You know, most of the prisoners in there sit muttering to themselves in the dark; there's no sense in them...but I was shocked at how normal Black seemed. He spoke quite rationally to me. It was unnerving. You'd have thought he was merely bored -- asked if I'd finished with my newspaper, cool as you please, said he missed doing the crossword. Yes, I was astounded at how little effect the Dementors seemed to be having on him -- and he was one of the most heavily guarded in the place, you know. Dementors outside his door day and night." "But what do you think he's broken out to do?" said Madam Rosmerta. "Good gracious, Minister, he isn't trying to rejoin You-Know-Who, is he?" "I daresay that is his -- er -- eventual plan," said Fudge evasively. "But we hope to catch Black long before that. I must say, You-Know-Who alone and friendless is one thing...but give him back his most devoted servant, and I shudder to think how quickly he'll rise again..." There was a small chink of glass on wood. Someone had set down their glass. "You know, Cornelius, if you're dining with the headmaster, we'd better head back up to the castle," said Professor McGonagall. One by one, the pairs of feet in front of Harry took the weight of their owners once more; hems of cloaks swung into sight, and Madam Rosmerta's glittering heels disappeared behind the bar. The door of the Three Broomsticks opened again, there was another flurry of snow, and the teachers had disappeared. "Harry?" Ron's and Hermione's faces appeared under the table. They were both staring at him, lost for words.