#sometimes it feels like hate and anger keep this fandom together more than anything else so I gotta refresh the good vibes

[snake-snack-stede]

the reason I keep coming back to this fandom is the love. I love y’all and I love the gay pirates and I love the cast and crew. I love this space we’ve created. it’s worth it to keep coming back.

[tacticaldiary]

Not Jealous

Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x Reader

Genre: Hurt/Comfort; Fluff

He’s not jealous. He’s not. Impossible...so what was this horrible feeling clawing at his chest, urging him to do something about Denki getting a little too friendly? Why does he feel the need to punch something. Jealousy is an ugly thing as Bakugou finds out. 

Masterlist

——————————————————————————

He hated this. He didn't care, but at the same time he hated it. 

The way Y/N threw her head back to laugh or, god forbid, giggle at something Dunce Face over there had said made his blood boil for some reason. The way he had his arm thrown around her made him want to punch something, and the obvious, lazy flirting made him want to yell at someone. 

The whole class was lounging in the living room, Bakugou sitting on one of the couches next to Y/N and Denki. He was in full hearing range of the terrible jokes and laughs. Every now and then he chances a glance to them.

It doesn’t help his rising temper

Why was Dunce Face the one who got to be near Y/N? Why the hell was he allowed to touch her? Obviously it’s not like he cared or anything. He didn’t care that he wanted to be the one sitting next to Y/N, no that was just stupid. 

It’s not like his heart fucking fluttered everytime she shot him a smile, or offered to spar with him. Nope. Not like he admired how she was one of the only people who didn’t take his bullshit, or how headstrong and confident and powerful she was, how she practically radiated every time she walked in the room, or even how he went out of his way to be around her. 

It wasn’t his fault she needed obvious tutoring to get her 95% up to a 100%. Not his fault their quirks were compatible and they were usually assigned to train together. She obviously needed to be walked to recovery girl every time she got hurt, who knows what stupid shit she’d pull if no one accompanied her, (granted he was always the one who insisted on taking her, fuck off Deku.).

Any extra time they spent together was purely coincidental, and...fuck he was in love-

The day Bakugou had realised it was when he was walking her to her dorm. The grateful smile she’d given him accompanied with a “Thank you, Katsuki.” had quite literally knocked the breath out of him. He loved the way his name sounded on her lips. 

“What the hell, Denki!?” Y/N’s laugh rings through the room. That most definitely was not his name. He turns to them, his scowl deepening as he sees Y/N grab his arm to keep herself upright. Denki laughs with her, looking highly amused. Bakugou's eyes linger on them and something claws at his chest, a horrible emotion that makes him want to snatch you away, as far away from Dunce Face as possible. 

The loud bang the echoes through the room startles everyone into silence. Bakugou rises to his feet and swears, grabbing onto his left hand, which he had accidentally ignited. One of the pillows behind him was scorched black, the smell of burnt cotton filling the room. He rarely every loses control of his quirk like that, regardless of how small the explosion was. 

“Kacchan-?”

“Bakugo, you-”

“Holy shit! You okay?” Y/N is the first to react, cutting Izuku and Kirishima off and standing, walking over to Bakugou.She grabs his hand and brings it up to examine it for any damage. If it were anyone else they would have had their face blown off by now “Why’d you-”

“Shut up.” he says lowly, glaring at her, before harshly ripping his hand away and turning on heel, stalking up into the hallway, to his room presumably. He was still fuming, now the added anger of having lost control like that adding to the frustration. 

Shutting the door, he looks down at his hands and sighs. In the confinements of his own personal space, he allows himself to think properly. Fuck, he hated this, he hated feeling like this.

He ignores the knock on the door, plopping down on his desk chair. He knew full well who it was, and he really didn’t want to deal with this right now. The knocking continues and is this time accompanied by a familiar voice. 

“Don’t be an asshole, I know you’re in there! Open the door.”

Ignoring seems to work, he thinks...he thinks wrong. Before he can react, he hears the doorknob turn and the sound of the door creaking open tells him that he foolishly forgot to lock the door. He spins the chair to glare at Y/N

“The fuck do you want?”

“I want to know why you’ve been acting more pissy than usual today.” She states closing the door behind her with a click. 

“Keep wondering then.”

“It would be much easier if you just told me.” She crosses her arms.

Bakugou shrugs with a scowl. “Shouldn’t you be out there? Wouldn’t wanna waste your precious quality time with Dunce Face now would you?” His scowl becomes harsher at the thought. Y/N pauses, silence filling the space between them for a few seconds. 

“You’re...oh my god, Katsuki, are you...jealous or something?” She asks, snickering a little. 

“What the hell? I’m not jealous.” He gets to his feet and yells, fists clenched. He wasn't jealous.

“You are! You’re jealous! Katsuki Bakugou is jealous!” Y/N laughs, ignoring the murderous look on the others face. Before she knows it, she’s yanked forward by her collar, close to a very much seething Bakugou. 

“I’m not jealous, you little shit.” He growls lowly, his fist bunching the front of Y/N’s shirt. 

“Your actions tell me otherwise.” Her eyes flicker down to his hold, before going back up to meet his fiery ones. She suddenly realizes how close they are, she can practically feel his breath fanning over her face. She goes quiet at the thought, a flush creeping up her face. Bakugou notices the lack of retort, and a slow smirk spreads across his face as he sees how red the other is.

“What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue? Where’s the witty retorts now, shithead?” he yanks her closer, almost tauntingly. 

“I left them with Kaminari, I guess.” Y/N says quietly after recovering from the initial shock. SHe grins as she’s released and shoved away almost immediately.

“So it’s Kaminari now?” he cocks his head to the side.

“That bothers you?”

“Obviously not. Do what you want, idiot.” He scoffs, looking away with a scowl. Y/N contemplates her options. She could push the point and risk Bakugou completely pushing her away...or she could leave and address the problem later. 

Later. A word she’s all too familiar with. She’s been putting off doing something as trivial as confessing till ‘later’ for the past few months. She can’t exactly pinpoint how or why she fell for this hotheaded, stubborn, asshole of an unfairly attractive idiot, but she knows that she’ll have to tell him sometime, even if he rejects her and doesn’t feel the same. After a few seconds of thought she makes up her mind and shrugs.

“All right. Guess I’ll go spend some more time with Kaminari then. Since you don’t mind.” She turns and pulls the door open. Before it can open more than a few inches, however, it’s forcibly slammed shut by a hand next to her head. She turns around in surprise and is met with Bakugou glaring down at her. 

“...What?” She prompts when he doesn’t speak. 

He continues glaring down at her in silence, seemingly fighting a mental battle over something. It seems like the debate is settled however, when he sighs in annoyance and leans down, crashing their mouths together harshly.  

It only lasts a few seconds, a few fiery, explosive, wonderful seconds, before Y/N is left shell-shocked, as Bakugou pulls away, still scowling. He raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t move away. 

“Uh...I- that was-...” Y/N stutters, before gathering herself and meeting his gaze with a small smile. “I should take that as a sign that you like me back?” She relishes the way he’s caught off guard since it doesn’t happen often. His eyes widen slightly in surprise and the hand on the door next to her head slips down just a fraction. 

“Figured it out already, dumbass?” he grumbles, still keeping her fixed to her place with his eyes.

“Sorry...guess I short-circuited for a second.” She can’t help it. When Bakugou scowls and pulls away harshly, she reaches out and grabs his waist, attempting to keep him in place. “Kidding! I’m kidding, Katsuki!” She chuckles and hearing her laugh is the only thing that stops Bakugou from not prying her hands off him. 

“There’s nothing going on between me and Denki, if you were curious. I’ve liked you for a while now and he knows that.” The tips of her ears turn red at the confession. Bakugou stares at her for a second, not seeing any hints of a lie. He relaxes a little and scoffs. 

“Never said I was curious.” he rolls his eyes and Y/N shakes her head with a breathy laugh. 

“Sure, Katsuki. Sure.”

When they return to the common area together, they’re sent questioning glances, but everyone knows better than to ask. Y/N sits next to Bakugou and Bakugou’s the one who has his arm around her and Bakugou’s the guy who gets to hear her laugh and he’s the one who gets to spend time with her.

He obviously wasn’t jealous before.

——————————————————————————

Author’s Note: My first Bnha fic! Honestly, I’m so excited to start writing for this fandom, so send your requests in! They really get my creativity flowing!

Requests Are Open And Welcome

[sassycassie-s-writing]

Maybe I Like Your Jealousy

By: SassyShoulderAngel319

Fandom/Character(s): DC/BatFam - Jason Todd/Red Hood

Rating: PG-13/T (maybe pushing M? but there’s still nothing super explicit. this is just a lot dirtier than I usually write holy cannoli. Heavy kissing, a little bit of suggestive dialogue and narration, minor swearing?)

Original Idea: This

Notes: (Masterlist)(By Character)(About Me) This one is only 1,688 words but... I’m putting the most heated bits under a Read More (usually if a one-shot is under 1,800 I don’t bother because I’m l a z y) because of how spicy it gets. Nothing super explicit, of course, but it’s highly suggestive. @welovegroot @jason-redhood @jason-todd-squad

^^^^^

Jason knocked on the door to the bathroom. “Babydoll, come on,” he pleaded quietly. “Please just open the door.” He knocked again, slightly more insistently. “You know I…” Knock… knock. “… let my anger get the best of me sometimes.”

I didn’t say anything, just sniffed and wiped a tear off my cheek.

He sighed. “Ugh. Please, babydoll. Just… come out here and we can… we can talk about this.”

“Like adults?” I asked, voice thick and shaking.

“I’m… sorry, okay? Is that what you want me to say? Babydoll, I’m sorry.” His voice had dropped to a quiet, soft murmur. Genuinely apologetic. “We can talk like adults, I promise.”

I slid off the bathroom counter and unlocked the bathroom door, emerging, but refusing to meet his eyes.

“Thank God, there you are,” he whispered, pulling me into a hug with a small grunt. “Look, darling, I just… I know I got a little angry—”

“Just a little? You overreacted to the moon and back.” I backed up a step, rolling my eyes.

“Stop saying that. I know you hate it when we fight—but I can’t… look, I can’t just pretend that it doesn’t bother me. I saw you flirting with that guy.”

“I told you already: I was not flirting with him.”

“I know what I saw. The way you looked at him made my blood boil. And the things I said earlier… were not phrased well. I admit that.” He sighed. “But, you know that I love you, don’t you? So much. The thought of losing you scared me tonight. It still does. I wish you could know exactly how it feels to be in my head—to love you so fiercely and to be so terrified that I might screw it up. You know who I am, what I do. You know that it’s dangerous for us to even be together. That scares me too. But not as much as losing you to some other guy does. If you got hurt because of the rogues, that would be one thing, if you got hurt because of me and left? That would destroy me. I would destroy myself for being so stupid that I lost you.

“I know it’s bad and unhealthy—but I can’t stop this need to be… protective.”

“Possessive,” I corrected.

He cleared his throat. “Alright. Possessive,” he agreed, somewhat begrudgingly, like he was trying to cool his temper so we didn’t explode again. “I’ll be honest: I don’t want to share you. You are the one good thing that’s happened to my life in… in so long I stopped keeping track of the years. I try not to get too… possessive, but sometimes I can’t keep it down. And I know you’re independent and strong but… I can’t help the part of my soul that wants to keep you solely for myself. Which, I am aware, is not healthy for either of us. But knowing that doesn’t help much in the heat of the moment.

“Babydoll, darling… do you know… what it felt like to watch the only good future I’ve seen in years—my dream girl—so easily slipping away from me toward someone else? I felt myself break down to my core.”

“That sounds like a ‘you’ problem,” I said sharply.

Jason took a deep breath and sighed slowly. I saw his fingers twitch as he exhaled, one at a time. Counting to ten. Calming down. “I know that’s not what you want to hear, love,” he said, “and you’re right. That is a ‘me’ problem. I’m insecure, and I know it. Insecure, jealous—” He closed his eyes and added softly, “Weak. However you want to put it.” He reached out for me. “Come here, please?” I let him hug me. “I’m sorry. I wanted to have a nice time. And as you two were talking, I had to keep reminding myself everything we’ve been through and said together. That you’re mine, and I’m yours. That we stick together through it all. All that stuff.

“I didn’t lose control of my temper until you touched him. If he’d touched you and you’d looked uncomfortable, I’d have had leave to deck him in the face. But you touched him. So I just had to sit there and not do anything. In that moment it looked… it looked like you wanted him more… more than me.” Jason cleared his throat. “And I know that I can never be what that guy is—normal. Less messed up than I am. I know you deserve someone like that.”

“I don’t want a guy like that. I still love you, you big idiot.”

He screwed up his face. “I know—that sounded stupid; and it probably was. But… this isn’t the first time I felt that way. We both know you deserve better than me.”

I stared at the hallway carpet, still not meeting his eyes—as I hadn’t the whole time he’d been talking. “Maybe. But deserve and want are two different things,” I muttered.

“Come on, babydoll, look at me,” he said softly, cupping my face in his hand, but not pushing it toward him. I didn’t move, not sure I wanted to yet. “Please, baby? Won’t you look me in the eye? You’re stronger than me, and you know it. We both do. I’m an emotional and mental mess—but I’m trying to be better for you.”

Finally, I looked up at him. He was crying too.

His shoulders sagged. “There’s my babydoll. There’s those beautiful eyes I adore. I’m so sorry, darling. I can’t stand you being angry with me. Do you think you can forgive me?”

“Maybe,” I said.

“I’m sorry I smudged your makeup. I’m supposed to mess up your lipstick, not your mascara and eyeliner.” He reached up with the hem of his shirt caught on his thumb. “Let me wipe your tears.”

I turned to go get a tissue in the bathroom behind us, but Jason didn’t want to let me go.

“Just use my shirt, baby. The tissue shouldn’t have to suffer for my jealousy.” He chuckled just slightly, obviously trying to cheer me up.

“This was all so stupid,” I said as he mopped up the smeared eyeliner and mascara from the tear tracks down my face.

“I know. I know,” he said comfortingly. “I wasn’t thinking. The silence on the car ride home was childish and I shouldn’t have snapped at you when we parked. I’m really sorry. I don’t know if I can say it enough.” He kissed my forehead.

I looked up at him and reached around his embrace to tap my lips. He gave me a small smile and leaned down, kissing me there.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, kissing me again, deeper this time. “Ow! Why’d you bite my lip?”

I bit my own lower lip in a smirk. “I didn’t bite that hard, you big baby. And I did it because I love you.”

“I love you too—but you didn’t have to bite me.”

I shrugged. “Mm. Maybe I kinda like it when you get jealous,” I replied.

He raised a brow at me. All melancholy set aside as playful smugness took over his expression. “Oh is that right? You like it, do you?” There was impish delight in the smirk that tugged on his face. “That, my dear, is dangerous territory. Fortunately for you—” He leaned down so his lips brushed the curve of my ear. “—it’s pretty hot too.”

My blood flared to life. Heat travelled over my entire body, originating from my chest.

“We are so dysfunctional, sometimes,” I said.

Jason laughed. It was soft, but with great feeling. “Yeah… I guess we’re both kinda messed up, aren’t we?”

I scrunched my nose. “Just a little bit.”

He brushed his fingers down my cheek. “Try not to make a habit of getting me riled up and jealous, okay? Please? It happens way more often than you realize—” I scoffed. “—Yes, it does. Trust me. But you don’t… sweetheart, you don’t have to act out if you want me to show you just how much you really mean to me. Next time, we can just… fast forward… right to here.”

“The hallway?” I asked.

“No,” he replied, rolling his eyes with a smile.

“Then, where’s ‘here’?” We both knew I was just playing around to get his reaction.

“Well, my love, here is where I back you up against this wall—just like this—and remind you who you belong to,” he said, low, deep, and growly. His voice dropped. “And who belongs to you. So completely and thoroughly that it absolutely wrecks me.”

Before I could protest—not that I wanted to—my shoulder blades bumped against the wall and Jason’s mouth was on mine. His arms released me long enough to shuck off his shirt and mine before they were around me again, hands feeling their way around my bare skin as mine did the same to him. I managed to find the buckle of his belt and undo it. He’d always struggled with my bra hooks so I let him suffer a little bit with trying to unhook them. Minor retribution for starting the argument.

“This is abrupt,” I whispered as his kisses trailed down my neck so he could peer over my shoulder, presumably.

“Is it?” He didn’t sound surprised by the statement whatsoever. “Maybe I’m just happy to get back to ‘us’ again.” His fingers slipped down my spine. I arched my back, pressing against him. He smirked. “And finally seeing that my babydoll has a bit of a rebel inside… well. I’m not gonna deny that it’s a bit of a turn-on.”

I giggled. “I’ll let it show more often, if this is what I get for it,” I teased.

“Mm. Gimme a second to figure out how to get the rest of your clothes off and you’ll get more.”

“I think it’ll do us both some good,” I said. “Get out some energy. Some tension.”

“Sounds fine to me.” He kissed my shoulder.

“Mmmmmm… me too,” I agreed.

[firelxdykatara]

gods, ok, apparently i’m not done.

atla fandom? we need to have a chat.

(....ok that made me sound pretentious as fuck. and maybe i am, but this needs to be said, cause i’m getting....real, real tired of a Certain Corner of this fandom and as a result, this is gonna be a discourse-heavy post so feel free to scroll past if that’s not your bag. as always, my salt posts all carry the catch-all #salt for ts tag, which you’re free to blacklist/filter at your leisure. i’m Very Annoyed at the moment, which will probably come through in the following post, so just. yknow. be prepared for that. or ignore it, that’s perfectly valid too.)

under a cut bc i do care for my followers and their sanity i swear lmao

there’s a real serious issue in this fandom with not understanding what queer terminology actually means or implies, especially when applied to a fictional narrative.

i’m specifically talking about ‘coding’, here. (if i were in a more meme-y mood, i might have said ‘the atla fandom found out about the term “gay-coding” and haven’t shut up since’.)

to the people who say ‘zuko is gay-coded’, i have this to say: you keep using that word. i do not think it means what you think it means. because he isn’t. i’m sorry, but he’s not! and the fact that this is such a prevalent claim in this fandom is distressing, bc it says to me that none of y’all know what gay-coding is or when and how to apply it! please, i’m begging you, go and look up these terms and what they mean and when they should be used before actually trying to plug them into your critical analysis, because when you misuse them and then call other people delusional for disagreeing with you it casts a pall over the entire fandom and is, i think, the root of some of the worst toxicity this fandom has to offer.

and the thing is, there are cases where gay-coding would apply--for instance, a couple series that are famous for queerbaiting their audience by coding their main characters as being attracted to one another (sometimes even despite their openly stated sexualities) come to mind, but those shows bare no similarities at all to atla and how zuko was written and portrayed! (and it would be funny, if it weren’t so obnoxious and infuriatingly wide-spread throughout the fandom, because the only queer couple we actually seen on-screen in either show wasn’t even queer-coded in any respect, and they’re canonically bi! [yes, i’m shading korrasami, or more accurately i’m shading bryke for refusing to give ka the build-up and development they deserved].)

this absolutely isn’t to say that headcanoning zuko as gay is a bad thing or invalid in any respect. (although the tendency for zukka shippers to do this specifically to keep zuko away from katara and/or invalidate his canon relationship/attraction to girls is more than a little eyebrow raising. especially since sokka is usually allowed to be bi, bc fans have no problem letting sukka stay in the background bc it’s no real threat, while jetko shippers are happy to have both boys be bi. [possibly bc katara is less a threat to jetko bc jetkotara is every bit as valid as any single ship between the three, but zukka can’t exactly let katara join in, and if the potential exists for zuko to be attracted to her then canon giving them the far deeper emotional bond becomes a threat to zukka’s existence? idk for sure--you be the judge.]) i prefer to hc zuko as bi (and always have, long before the atla renaissance), bc i don’t think zuko being attracted to boys is outside the realm of possibility, and it isn’t a threat to my ship since zuko&katara had a deep and emotional bond in canon that is very easy to develop further into something that becomes explicitly romantic--but the headcanon itself isn’t really the problem (although what it’s often in service to can be).

it’s the strange insistence that this is the only way to read his character, bc he was coded that way and so anyone who doesn’t see it must be too straight to understand--and i really shouldn’t have to say why and how that is so incredibly fucking insulting. (the ‘hetero lenses’ comment wasn’t cute when it came from bryke six years ago, and the same sentiment being repackaged and delivered by zukka shippers ain’t cute now.)

calling zuko gay-coded not only demonstrates ignorance as to what the term actually means, and how to usefully apply it in critical analysis, but also validates the frankly bullshit insertion of institutionalized homophobia in the world of atla where it was neither needed, nor wanted, nor ever hinted at in canon. as a queer woman i’m still infuriated by one fucking comic panel shoving institutionalized and systemic homophobia into a world where it was entirely unnecessary (and doing this in the first installment of the franchise showcasing a queer relationship??? making korra and asami worried about ‘coming out’ when they could have just gone on to have cute adventures together and tell people ‘hey we’re dating’ and have everyone else be ‘that’s awesome =DDD’ [because it is, in fact, possible to just have a world without homophobia i promise!!!!!] double yikes, i’m still pissed at bryke about it), and i doubly hate that ‘zuko is gay coded’ has become so widespread that ‘ozai hates him bc he’s gay’ has become a staple in that part of the fandom.

not only does making zuko gay and implying (or outright stating) that ozai hated and abused him because of it completely undermine zuko’s character arc by making his abuse about his sexuality rather than ozai’s toxic pride and anger at seeing himself reflected in his ‘weak’ son, but it comes very close to outright stating that abuse and trauma are inherently gay experiences, and they aren’t!!! they really aren’t, i promise!!!

abuse and trauma narratives exist outside of ‘my dad hates me because i’m gay’. and, quite frankly, there are MORE THAN ENOUGH queer trauma narratives out in the world. we do not need to start trying to retroactively make them canon in a series where they didn’t exist! if you’re gay and see yourself in zuko and project your own experiences on him, that’s understandable and valid. that does not make zuko gay-coded. and honestly, the insistence that he is makes very little sense to me, because you’re essentially trying to give the show credit for work you put into interpreting the characters! why would you want to do that? why not own your own headcanons and take credit for them, rather than insisting they are canon and everyone else is wrong for not seeing them??? like, i’ve said before that i’ve always headcanoned zuko (and katara) as bi, and even support it with my interpretations of evidence from the show, but the difference between ‘i think zuko is bi’ and ‘zuko is definitely gay-coded’ is that i know that bi zuko is my interpretation of canon, and that it is work i’m putting into the show that wasn’t actually intended by the creators/writers, no matter how much sexual tension i read into the jetko swordfight.

and like, zuko’s character arc doesn’t actually parallel a queer one all that well to begin with. it’s easy enough to do the work and twist it sideways just enough to make the general points fit, but the fact is, zuko’s arc is not one of self-discovery. it’s not one of coming to understand something fundamental about himself that he can’t change, that he was hated for, and coming out to his father in a dramatic confrontation where he shows that he understands himself and doesn’t need his father’s acceptance to be fulfilled.

zuko’s arc is actually one of trauma and healing. and those can (and often are--like i said, there are more than enough queer trauma narratives in the world, atla really doesn’t need to be one of them) be part of queer narratives, for sure! but they aren’t uniquely queer. and zuko’s confrontation with ozai during the eclipse doesn’t read like a ‘coming out’ at all. (yes, i’ve seen that post. yes, i rolled my eyes and moved on, bc unlike some people, i’m capable of not clowning on correctly tagged posts i disagree with.) zuko is specifically confronting ozai over his abuse, because his arc wasn’t about discovering anything fundamental about himself (and therefore realizing that ozai was hating him for something he couldn’t change)--it was about realizing that he was not at fault for the way his father treated him. it was also about realizing that the fire nation was broken and corrupt at its core, and that his father was an aspect of that he needed to break away from so that he could help the world begin to heal.

he says it himself:

Zuko: No, I've learned everything! And I've had to learn it on my own! Growing up, we were taught that the Fire Nation was the greatest civilization in history. And somehow, the War was our way of sharing our greatness with the rest of the world. What an amazing lie that was. The people of the world are terrified by the Fire Nation. They don't see our greatness. They hate us! And we deserve it! We've created an era of fear in the world. And if we don't want the world to destroy itself, we need to replace it with an era of peace and kindness.

making this about zuko being gay and rejecting ozai’s homophobia, rather than zuko learning fundamental truths about the world and about his home and about how there was something deeply wrong with his nation that needed to be fixed in order for the world to heal (and, no, ‘homophobia’ is not the answer to ‘what is wrong with the fire nation’, i’m still fucking pissed at bryke about that), misses the entire point of his character arc. this is the culmination of zuko realizing that he should never have had to earn his father’s love, because that should have been unconditional from the start. this is zuko realizing that he was not at fault for his father’s abuse--that speaking out of turn in a war meeting in no way justified fighting a duel with a child.

is that first realization (that a parent’s love should be unconditional, and if it isn’t, then that is the parent’s fault and not the child’s) something that queer kids in homophobic households/families can relate to? of course it is. but it’s also something that every other abused kid, straight kids and even queer kids who were abused for other reasons before they even knew they were anything other than cishet, can relate to as well. in that respect, it is not a uniquely queer experience, nor is it a uniquely queer story, and zuko not being attracted to girls (which is what a lot of it seems to boil down to, at the end of the day--cutting down zuko’s potential ships so that only zukka and a few far more niche ships are left standing) is not necessary to his character arc. nor does it particularly make sense.

(and before anyone brings up his date with jin--a) he enjoyed it when she kissed him, and b) he was a traumatized, abused child going out on a first date. of course he was fucking awkward. have you ever met a teenage boy????)

anyway, uh, that was a lot of words, so have a tl;dr: zuko is not gay-coded. there is nothing uniquely gay (or even uniquely queer) about his character arc or characterization, and he was certainly not coded gay in an attempt to sneak a queer character past the censors. if anyone involved with atla was gonna try that, it would’ve been in lok, and as established, they didn’t even manage to queer-code the actual queer relationship before the last few minutes of the final episode. headcanoning zuko as gay is absolutely fine (though if it’s only done to keep him away from female characters he may otherwise be attracted to, that smells more like misogyny than anything else), but insisting that this reading is the only one that makes sense, and anyone who doesn’t agree must be straight (hello, queer woman here making this insanely long thinkpiece) is very much not.

ship what you like, but stop trying to invalidate other ships and other interpretations of characters just to make your ship seem more plausible. it’s really not a good look.

[nataliaphantomhivesblog]

In the end of it all, Monaca Towa was still a child.

To start this off, this isn't my usual Black Butler posts but ive been meaning to talk about Danganronpa for a hot minute, so please bear with me! Second, this is solely my opinion and before anyone wants to attack me please read thoroughly first. Thank you:)

(Spoiler warning for Danganronpa: Ultra Despair Girls and Danganronpa 3)

Also, before we dive in I'm going to list some trigger warnings:

Physcological abuse

Physical abuse

Manipulation

P*dophillia

Suicide attempt

Violence (?)

Childhood trauma

Please take care and read at your own risk<3

Hello there Danganronpa fandom! Today I will be talking about Monaca Towa (as stated in the title) and how people often minimize her trauma and sometimes forget the fact that shes still a child who got heavily manipulated by Junko too.

Monaca is seemingly very amiable and caring, because of her charming personality, all of the Warriors of Hope love her and try their best to keep her happy and go along with what she wants. However, it's slowly revealed that she is actually manipulative and cunning behind her friendly facade.

Monoca is a character that is cruel, manipulative, and extremly unhinged. Many of her actions cannot be excused or justified, but you can understand where she's coming from.

Monaca's Backstory:

She was born an unwanted child by both her father and her mother. Monaca's mother was supposed to take care of her but instead abandoned the child soon after her birth. Because of all her actions, Monaca saw her mother as a completely selfish and pathetic person. Monaca's father thought of giving her to an orphanage but instead took her into his family.

However, Monaca was always unwanted and everyone else felt uncomfortable around her. Every time Monaca smiled or joked, the others looked at her coldly, as if she didn't deserve to laugh. Every time she spoke, the others turned silent. His older-half brother thought of her as an alien, not part of the family.

She was also physically abused to the point that she pretended to be seriously wounded for them to stop as a result.

Monaca also attended Hope's Peak Elementary School and was part of the "trouble-makers class" along with Nagisa, Masaru, Jataro, and Kotoko.

Along with her fellow abused classmates, she planned a group suicide; however, Monaca never had any plans to commit suicide in the first place and was planning to let the others die as a prank.

The group suicide was stopped by Junko, who took the kids in and manipulated them by treating them with kindness and love.

Monaca then helped Junko mass produce Monokumas for the Tragedy by using her position as a representative of the Towa Group.

She lied to her father and the other adults in order to produce the Monokumas, telling them that she wanted to create futuristic robots that could be domestic helpers and emergency aid workers.

Due to her separation from the family and her genius, her family decided to give her leg room to do what she wanted as long as she brought in profits to the company, and didn't delve too deeply into her plans.

Things to keep in mind about Monoca's backstory:

She was emotionally and physically abused from a very young age.

She started to pretend to be paraplegic because she was finally treated with some kindness and she could have more control over people.

She convinced Nagisa, Jataro, Kotoko and Masaru to commit suicide.

Out of all the Warriros of Hope, Junko took the most intrest in Monoca due to her position, meaning that she was the one who got used and manipulated the most.

How Monoca's mindset works:

The moment she got physically abused to the point that she had to fake her injuries to make her family feel bad was the moment she learned that through sympathy from others comes power. Due to her families neglection and abuse, she started to quickly pick up on things in which benefited her yet hurt others.

She started to use manipulative tactics on her family to gain control over them. She then started implicating these tactics with the Warriors of Hope.

When Junko got into the picture, everything changed for the worst. Junko was the only person in Monaca's life who showed her affection. Even though deep down Monaca knew Junko only cared for her as a means to use her robotics genius for the Tragedy, Monaca didn't care, and happily helped out Junko with her plans if it meant being loved and appreciated in return. At the heart of it, despite all her horrific acts, that's a very child-like thing to do, right? So when Junko dies, Monaca's entire reason for living basically disappears.

AI Junko via Kurokuma may have planted the idea of a successor in her head, but in Monaca's mind it's a way to get her big sis back, and very specifically chooses to mold Komaru into becoming Junko's successor. That's for a big reason, Monaca doesn't want to become Junko, I'd say she actually just wanted her big sister back who would love and appreciate her again, and hence tried to make someone else take on that role initially. Once again, that's the mindset of a child.

Monaca's relationship with the Warriors of Hope:

The Warriors of Hope are a group of children who are extremely resentful and hateful of adults, regardless of whether or not they were involved in their rough paths. 

We all know that the Warriros of Hope are extememly tramutized kids. Masaru had alcoholic parents who physically abused him, Jataro was physcologically abused to the point he bealived he was so ugly that if anyone saw his "repulsive" face they would die, Kotoko was r*ped multiple times by disgusting p*dophilic men (not to mention, Monaca's brother was attracted to her), and last but not least we have Nagisa who had pressuring parents who wanted to raise him as the child prodigy and expirimented on him constantly.

Monaca used the Warriros of Hope's trauma against them, manipulating them to the point were they had to do her bidding completly.

As much as I hate to say it, Monaca truly saw them as pawns. Although there are some instances where she openly declares her care for the Warriors of Hope, it's likely she does that as a form of emotional manipulation.

If anything, she probably did see them as equal in the beginning but then when she started to gain control over her own family, she started to do the same with the Warriors of Hope as a way to protect herself from getting hurt, then again this is my baseless assumption.

Her dynamic with Nagito:

Monaca was amused by Nagito's strange behavior and contradicting beliefs and appeared to be somewhat annoyed with him at the times. However, the two appeared to at least seemingly respect each other in some way, as they treated each other somewhat formally as allies.

Her dynamic with Nagito is one of the most intresting ones. Obviously I think that her being rasied by Nagito was potentially a dangerous thing, considering Nagito's goal was for Monaca to become Enoshima's successor. Monaca seemed to agree with this goal, but Nagito's constant rambling about hope and despair made Monaca bored and feel embarrassed about the whole thing.

She claims he made her an adult in a way, as she grew up in the mental sense and became more cynical and apathetic, not really caring about anything.

In the end, Monaca found Nagito creepy and annoying, but she also appeared to get closer to him during their time together, while originally calling him just "Mister Servant" in UDG, she later refers to him as "Big Bro" in Danganronpa 3. I do think their dynamic was sort of soft and I would've loved to have seen more of it. Honestly the concept of Nagito being a soft brother to Monaca warms my heart, and the wasted potential will forever anger me.

(If any Danganronpa fanfic writer or any writer in general is reading this post: if u could be so kind and do a PLATONIC Nagito and Monaca prompt and tag me in it, I would love you forever!!)

My opinion on Monaca:

I think that Monaca was a very well-written character who deserved more than what she got in the end of Danganronpa 3. She was abused, mistreated and belittled by her family. If anything, I see her as a completely misguided little girl. If she actually had a positive authoritative influence in her life, she wouldn't have turned astray.

A lot of people disregard Monaca's trauma and forget that at the end of the day, Monaca was a child who the moment she was born, the people who were supposed to love her were unwelcoming.

Don't get me wrong though, there is no way in hell I will ever justify or condone the things Monaca has done. If anything, I just think that she alongside the rest of the Warriors of Hope should've been properly taken care of.

Also, if you dislike/hate Monaca thats 100% valid! She did a lot of inexcusable things and its alright to hate on her. I personally love her character but I know she is not everyones cup of tea.

If you read all the way, I'm actually surprised! Thank you and I hope you enjoyed<333

[zosonils-art]

Do you have a robot master OC (of the eight plus Drum) that you’d say is your favorite? If you haven’t done an infodump for them yet then you should do that one next

i couldn't choose a favourite if i tried, i love them all, but since you mentioned drum i thought i'd give her some new art and a proper dedicated post too! infodrump [ayyy] under the cut

drum, serial number SWN-002, is my take on the popular [????? i'm still a bit of a mega man fandom newbie i don't know hjdfn] 'wily equivalent to roll' oc template! she keeps things running at the various castles and fortresses and hideouts and whatever else her dad holes up in, whether that's by doing housework, planning schemes, or dodging taxes. whenever wily is trying to take over the world, drum acts as his second-in-command, ensuring that everything goes according to plan and ordering around the latest group of robot masters

she's every bit the edgy mid-00s teenager she looks: sarcastic, apathetic, and always talking back to her dad. she's more obedient than bass is, but she doesn't care for her job at all and will resort to any flimsy excuse or act of malicious compliance she can come up with to slack off. due to her purpose as an organiser and commander, she's a bossy control freak who's quick to anger when things don't go exactly her way, although when she's off work the worst of these traits recede in favour of more conventional teenage apathy. she sees herself as above the time and effort it takes to go out of her way to be mean to people like wily and bass tend to do, but she's equally uninterested in being nice on purpose and her default attitude is squarely on the nastier side

when she doesn't have work to focus on - and sometimes when she does anyway - drum is the lead vocalist and guitarist in a garage band, of which she is [currently - a friend's ocs get involved later, but that's a whole different post] the only member. i'm not good with music terms but she's into whatever genre stuff like wake me up inside and crawling in my skin is [i know those aren't the names hdfjf it's just the words i know people will recognise]. the sort with the crunchy guitar and the very loud lyrics about being sad and/or angry. playing or blasting music helps her to calm down when she's in a bad mood, which is pretty much all the time. the first warning sign of a new wily plot is a spike in search popularity for my chemical romance

i haven't gotten around to designing it, but drum has a non-armoured form like most of the other more explicitly kid-like robots, which she mostly uses for loitering around malls when she has an excuse to not be at home. she rarely buys anything, just hangs out and radiates an aura that makes suburban white women hurry their three kids into the next shop. drum often ends up hanging out with like-minded teens in the same vague area of the goth/punk/emo venn diagram she occupies, and makes a bit of a game out of seeing how honest she can be about her life without revealing that she's one of the world's most wanted robots. she tells herself that it's just something she does out of boredom and curiosity towards humans, but it mostly stems from loneliness and the desire to have literally any friends that aren't her brother's dog

as a sort of contrast to the healthy and positive relationship between their lightbot counterparts, drum and bass absolutely DESPISE each other and make no secret of it. each of them thinks of the other as an insufferable prick and they'll get into petty arguments over just about anything, from whose turn it is on the xbox to who treble loves more. [for the record, it's drum. she lets him hang out in the kitchen while she's cooking and sneaks him food scraps when bass isn't looking. he's the only family member she has an even remotely positive relationship with.] pretty much the only thing that can get them to stop fighting is mutual hatred of a bigger prick, and so far the only person to consistently get them to put their differences aside like this is wily himself - as much as the wily kids hate each other, they hate their dad just a little more, and have a history of teaming up just to mess with him. sometimes mega man can spark that spiteful cooperation, but drum's total apathy towards the light-wily family rivalry means she usually sees him as not worth her time and just finds bass' obsession with beating him even more annoying

drum wasn't made for combat, and as such she doesn't have a signature weapon or any fancy tricks like the copy chip. usually she just orders other robots to do the fighting for her. however, she is equipped with a standard arm-mounted buster, and can hold her own in battle with a 'fight smarter, not harder' approach if she has to. she's also outfitted with the same treble adapter that bass has, so if she's backed into a corner she can call on him for a power boost. treble is capable of supporting both adapters simultaneously, so as an absolute last resort they can all combine into treble-boosted drum & bass, who theoretically has all the combat power of bass plus the strategic thinking from drum and the boost in power from treble. in practice, though, drum and bass are so at odds with each other that they can barely hold together in the same body without either fighting for control or outright splitting apart to argue harder. again, it takes a lot of spite to get them to work together, but if something draws their combined ire and convinces them to cooperate they're an utterly terrifying force to be reckoned with

the game idea i vaguely have in my mind would feature drum as the final-not-final boss before wily reveals he was the mastermind behind it all and surprises absolutely nobody. she was put in charge of the latest world domination attempt, probably as the result of a 'why don't YOU take over the world if you're so smart' conversation, and in true drum fashion she follows a standard wily plot outline to the letter - including the blatant flaws, like all eight of her chosen robot masters forming a rock-paper-scissors wheel just begging to be exploited by the copy chip, and making a clear path from just outside the death fortress to her base of operations. after she's defeated in combat, she sarcasically wonders aloud how mega man could have possibly bested her plan and then helpfully points rock directly to wily's castle. she didn't wanna do the stupid scheme in the first place

again, i love all my ocs too much to possibly choose a favourite, but i'd say drum was the most fun to come up with if only because i had the help of some mates in a discord server. someone was like 'hey if there's bass is there a roll equivalent called drum or something lol' and i SPRINTED to microsoft paint to rough out a character design and the next entire day was just a constant stream of all of us bouncing ideas off each other and creating the meanest girl in the universe. her design changed a little bit from the initial sketch, most notably she used to have the half-shaved hairstyle that every gay person tries at some point before that changed to a midpoint between phoenix wright and sonic the hedgehog, but overall everything about her as a character flowed really well from the start. while she's fallen mostly into my hands since the initial brainstorm, she absolutely wouldn't exist without those friends' input and i feel that that's important to mention!

i'm very tired and i've been working on this on and off for the past day so i'm gonna call the infodrump finished here - thanks for giving me the excuse to talk about her! unfiltered and transparent versions of the art below as always

[honesthammie]

Thought I'd start doing some prompts, im gonna do them all eventually but I'd thought I'd share some I've seen or thought of on my own with other writers that may need inspiration.

Look in the tabs for fandoms and characters i will do, hopefully.

1)"Look, I'm glad you've saved everyone and all that, but it's time someone told you to take care of you."

"I'm fine."

"No you're not, and furthermore, if you don't take care of you, think of all the people who need you in the future who won't have you!"

2) Reader accidently get sent to Hell instead of Heaven. The King of Hell tells you to make yourself at home while he sorts it out with God. Little did you realise how much you liked it there

3)"On a scale from one to ten, how bad do you think it would be if-“

"At least a twenty."

4) After reaching your 16th birthday you gain the ability to see everyone's red strings of fate and on your 18th you finally get to see yours, except yours dissappears into the ground/sky.

5) "What do you see when you look at me?"

6) Everyone is born with 2 tattoos that has a symbol on each wrist. One for their soulmate and another for their biggest enemy. The reader only has 1.

7)"Why are you still here?"

"Because I care about you, you asshole."

8)"Your hair is so soft.."

9) "It's too cold! Come back!"

10) "No, I'm not letting you go. It's too early to get out of bed."

11) "C'mere, you can sit in my lap until i'm done working."

12)"I'm not going to stop poking you until you

give me some attention."

13) "Shh, you're safe. I won't let you go."

14) "What? does that feel good?"

15)"Just pretend to be my date."

16)"He/She did it." "No he/she did."

17) "I think I'm in love with you and I'm terrified."

18)“No no-it's alright, come here."

19)"I'm not going to leave you. You're never going to have to suffer by yourself again, I promise."

20) Everyone has a guardian angel. Except the reader. Something went wrong in system and now you're stuck with a guardian Demon. Fortunately, they seem more effective at helping you succeed.

21)"I love you from the bottom of my heart, but I don't trust your cooking. Stay out of my kitchen."

22)"I am way too sober for this."

23)"If I go through with this, I die. If I don't go through with this, we all die."

24)"Why are you doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Treating me like a person."

25)"What the heck is that?!"

"My cat."

"Cats don't have eight legs!"

26)"Hey, I didn't kill anyone today!"

"What do you want? A gold star?"

27)His voice brought back memories of dark rooms and broken bones.

28)"Why do people keep trying to put this blanket on me?"

"Because you're in shock."

"That doesn't mean I need a blanket. It means I need booze."

29)"I can't believe you haven't killed each other yet."

"We shared a room together in (enter what type of school here). If we could survive that, we could survive anything."

30)"Sometimes memories are the worst form of torture"

31)"How do you destroy a monster without becoming one?"

32)"Why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Seriously? I have worse nightmares about failing my exams"

33)"What is that THING in your backpack?"

"It's my new pet dragon."

"Dragons aren't real!"

"Then why is there one in my backpack?"

34)"I had a thought."

"Oh no."

"I swear it's a good one this time!"

35)"Are you there?"

"Physically, yes. Mentally is debatable."

36)"Are you clinically insane or incredibly annoying?"

"I don't know, I probably both."

37)“Are you SURE I can't punch him in the face?"

"Yes."

"What if I just break his nose a little?"

38)"It's a long story."

"You conned me into thinking you were dead for eleven months. I have time."

39)"Death wants you to be terrified, but the scariest thing is wanting death."

40)"What's our exit strategy?"

"Our what?"

"Oh my god, we're all I going to die."

41)"How's the meeting?"

"I want to stab everyone."

"Don't get blood on your dress. We have dinner reservations at seven."

"Love you for enabling me."

"Love you too."

42)"What can I do to make you feel beautiful as as you look to me?"

43)"Once hope becomes a symbol, you cannot kill it. Give it a name, and it will never truly die. You have to dismantle it and let the world watch on as it crumbles in on itself."

44)"Don't you have a country to run?"

"My favorite person is in the hospital, the people can wait."

"I don't think it works like that."

"I rule over them, so it does."

45)"Are you really still a princess if your kingdom is in ruins? If there is no one left to rule over but corpses?"

46) Reader stealing lovers clothes

47)"How did you do that?"

"Maybe if you spent less time rambling you'd have figured it out"

48)"You-you are-"

"Beautiful, a genius, immensely talented"

"Dangerous."

49)"And if the world thinks it can keep us apart, then it hasn't been paying attention because there is nothing, nothing! wouldn't do just to I stay by your side."

50)Take apart every word I've ever said, strip me of every action I've ever taken. Then know, for certain, that mean it when I tell you I love you."

51)"Do you trust her?"

"No. but I ... trust her anger."

52)"I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you!"

"And I'm trying to subtly avoid it!"

53)"Where's your shoe?"

"The giant mud puddle demanded a sacrifice"

54)"People can do can worse things than kill you."

55)"Give my regards to the Devil."

"I will."

"And remind him that he still owes me fifty bucks for helping him out that one time."

56)"Hate to break it to you, but we're both someone else's science experiment."

57)"Timing is key"

"Says the one thats always late"

58)"Right now, I don't know if I want to kiss you or shove you off a bridge."

"Can I pick?"

59)"This? These tears? They are not a weakness. They show how strong you are and how strong you've been. And when you're done, look back and know that you were strong enough to overcome what you once thought to be impossible."

60)"Act natural."

"For this kind of situation, the most natural thing would be to panic, so technically I can panic."

"NO, that's not what I meant! Act like it's a normal day!"

"My 'normal' days of late, consist of a lot of panic."

"Will you just cooperate?"

"When a person is panicking, they are not apt to cooperate very well!"

[gallickingun]

ding, dong, the witch is dead!

honestly, who didn’t see this coming? lol. but, anyway. i guess this is goodbye! i’ll ramble more below the cut, but just know that over the next couple of days, i’ll be exporting my blog so i can keep what i want, and then this will be the only post left here.

thank you to everyone who i’ve had the privilege of meeting, and those of you who have been so kind as to leave lovely notes on my works, and interact with me over our silly anime crushes. i really appreciate all the kindness i’ve been shown in the anime fandom. some of my best friends i’ve met through this stupid app, but overall, it’s just not a healthy space for me. i’m not blaming anyone else for what this has become, at the end of the day, i created a hell for myself. i’m just tired of trying to rebuild, rebrand, whatever. i’m just tired.

that being said, obviously not everything can always be so lovely. i don’t care about the discourse or the drama or the whatever, but i’m just hoping this post will bring me some closure, and maybe some for those i’ve hurt, whether accidentally or intentionally. if you click read more and you’re upset with what you see, well, idk what to tell you, friend.

i hate that tumblr can be so insignificant, and yet so all encompassing all at once. yes, it’s “just tumblr” and “it’s not that deep” because at the end of the day, it’s just an app. but, unfortunately, behind this app and these blogs are human beings. which means you create real bonds and real friendships, and real feelings get hurt.

i came back to tumblr during a really sad, dark time in my life. and that was honestly my first mistake. i latched on to whoever would pay attention to me, craving some sort of friendship that i never needed before because i always had someone in real life. but i had just moved away from my family, and was starting the process of what would end up being a notsogreat divorce. i felt alone, and was struggling a lot with my self worth, so instead of choosing to be kind, i chose to lash out. regardless of whether or not that was in private dm’s of those whom, at the time, i’d considered friends, it was still inconsiderate and childish of me. i thought i had to be some hateful version of myself in order to prove to other people that i wasn’t as sad about myself as i truly was. the words i said in private were rude, nasty, and just... not who i want to be? and, without going into immense detail, some of those things i wanted to move on from and no longer felt, were then used as weapons and spread around to others who i never intended to see what i’d said.

please, please, PLEASE — be careful what you say. you really never know who is watching, who is going to manipulate you, etc. what you say holds weight, and even if you don’t intend for it to hurt anyone, even if it’s just venting.. i dunno. just, be careful, okay? check yourself from time to time, friend. make sure that you’re not allowing the overall negativity of the world, of your own mind, of others, to affect you to the point that you don’t recognize yourself.

if you don’t know about my lovely little exposed blog, well, you’d probably be the last to know. at least, it feels that way. although in the beginning maybe it was justified? in some right? i’m not sure anymore, really, but regardless—it turned into some sort of stalking experience. at one point in time, i received 35+ messages telling me how horrible i was, telling me to off myself, telling me that my ex did the right thing by leaving me “on the curb”, etc. my full legal name was being released, with the intent to doxx me i’m assuming? i was being told i was “being watched”, which i fully believe was happening, with the consistency of the updates. people who claim to hate me, still followed me with the intent of watching my every move to “see if i’d changed”. i only have received updates through friends, because to be perfectly honest with you, seeing your worst mistakes splayed on the internet and turning you into some shounen villain is NOT the best thing for your mental health. that, and some of the “truths” were half-honesties twisted because i’d be a hypocrite to post private dm’s debunking these things when i was upset with the very same people for posting such things. i’ve addressed some things, such as the racism, so i won’t go into that again, but some of these other instances are stretches, to say the least.

the irony of the whole thing is not lost on me. the very same people who say i only do things for notes/recognition, are doing those very things. those who say i only care about tumblr, are proving that by running a blog dedicated to exposing some twenty three year old idiot on the internet. those who say i use my friends are the same ones who literally lied to my face so they could collect receipts behind my back and then leave me when it got convenient. those who say i talk to “insignificant” blogs to appear invested are the ones calling those blogs insignificant, i never once believed anyone i’ve interacted with was insignificant, contrary to popular belief. everything they focus on ends up being nothing but hypocrisy in the end.

that being said, obviously i truly hurt whoever all is behind this blog. intentionally, or otherwise. and i know that sometimes what you do/say isn’t meant to hurt anyone, however, you don’t get to control how what you’ve done effects others. all you can do is apologize. but, i know a few of them, because based on the “receipts” they’ve pulled together, the stories are too specific to be anything but those people i’m thinking of. i don’t enjoy blanket apologies, but i’m leaving this hellsite, so it’s all i’ve got left.

i’m sorry for giving you the fuel to your fire for this petty agenda, i’m sorry for creating the monster of myself that allowed you to string along this storyline for what seems to be the better part of a year. i’m sorry that i gave you material to fixate upon, rather than providing you with friendship and something better to focus on. i truly hope you can move on now that i’m gone from tumblr, and honestly i don’t plan on coming back, lol. i genuinely, truly, deeply feel sorry for you, and pray that you can turn this obsessive focus from me to something more productive, something healthier.

the angry part of me wants everyone to realize that the start of this, the matchups/refunds situation, was born from this stalkerish behavior. it has taken me months to put the pieces together, because i truly didn’t think someone who i’d called my friend once would ever string together such a lie, or rather an exaggerated, adulterated truth, but i guess it’s what happened, in the end.

there are a lot of, uh, conveniently timed “releases” of receipts even though they were months after the initial occurrence of the offense. i can’t go into each one, because, frankly, there are too many. i just hope that in the wake of all of these horrible exposes of things i’ve done, others are able to reflect on their actions. telling me one thing while currently speaking to another individual and telling them another, blatantly LYING, etc. are all things that i’ve been accused of, and yet they’ve also been done to me. doesn’t justify what i’ve done, nor am i seeking some sort of absolution, however i just hope that these individuals can see their hypocrisy and move forward.

which leads me to my final point — regardless of how shitty someone is, disallowing them the room to grow, stunting their moral/mental growth, is truly the issue. i am not going to sit here and play holier than thou. i know i fucked up. i was a nasty bitch because i was angry at the world, and then that anger was fueled further by consistent situations where i made the wrong friends at the wrong times in my life. but the fact that this exposed nonsense has been dragging on since... july? august? i’m not really sure, but whatever. since it’s been going on, i have been battling with myself and my ability to do the things i love, talk to those i care about, etc. all because i’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting the wrong person, etc. and in trying to avoid it, i’ve been doing the very same thing i hoped to keep from doing.

i never felt like i could apologize to those i wanted to apologize to because it might be received as disingenuous due to the nature of the exposed blog’s very existence “forcing” me to apologize. don’t get me wrong, some of those who the blog tried to coerce me into apologizing to can suck a dick, because there are people that i truly do not feel deserve my apologies, and therefore, will never get them. but, i do feel bad for those i didn’t get the chance to apologize to that i really wanted to. the last thing i’d want is for my apology to be turned into something it’s not, but hopefully everyone who has been affected by my actions can move on with my absence.

and to those of you who feel the need to make public denounces of my name, i hope it provides you the closure you’ve been seeking. truly, i do. but know that i never did anything i’ve ever done with the intent to get ahead or buy someone’s friendship or take advantage of anyone else. if i truly only cared about the things people say i cared about, i would have never made this blog in the first place. i would have leeched off the popularity of my main blog if popularity was all i cared about. i was searching for a home, which, in the end, i burned down myself. me, joking around about follower count and notes, was literally nothing but sarcastic banter that’s been taken out of context. but, i digress.

i am very thankful for those who i can still call my friends, who are willing and ready to have honest discussions with me about the things i’ve said/done and analyze them and help me move forward. therapy, medication, life choices, etc. all have been rolled into me deciding that i’m done letting a silly little app stunt my growth. if the internet was unplugged tomorrow, i know who i’d have and what would matter. i have REAL LIFE to focus on. i am in love and i have beautiful friendships that i want to foster with honesty and kindness. i can only hope that you all have the opportunity to have those very same things.

will i stop writing? nah, dude. no way. i’m just getting started. in my absence, in choosing to stay away from a place that makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety, i’ve delved into my original characters and i’ve written thousands of words that i haven’t felt the pressure to post about. i’ve learned that just because i’m doing something i love, i don’t have to do it for anyone else.

the internet is a funky place, folks. just be careful who your friends are, okay?

anyway. peace out, girl scouts. i wish you all the best 💖

[klbwriting]

Unexpected Allies - Chapter 9

Fandom: Six of Crows

Pairing: Kaz/female!Reader

Summary: The Dregs finally have some bonding time but its ruined

Note: So complete honesty, the second song that inspired this fic makes an appearance in this chapter and its uh ‘I2I’ from A Goofy Movie so yes, you can all imagine my surprise when I heard this play for my kids and instantly said ‘the Dregs would love this shit’ and well, I went with it, also I think I used this gif already but I love it so its appearing again

Taglist: @amwitherspoon​ @mcntsee​

Y/N spent the next day trying to catch up with everyone from her past, seeing old friends and even training the new Grisha that were volunteering for the army.  It was refreshing after being forced to play a role she hated for so many years.  She felt freer than she had in a long time and she felt herself coming out of her shell more.  She struck up an instant friendship with Nina as the women trained the up and coming Grisha and she finally asked about Kaz's time in Ketterdam more. "So in Ketterdam you were a servant?" Y/N asked, staring at Nina surprised.  "And I knew Kaz was in the Dregs but he wasn't the actual leader?" "I was an indenture," Nina corrected.  "And no, Kaz was second in command to Per Haskell and well, I guess since Per didn't survive the assault Kaz is sort of in charge now.  He probably said he was in charge to impress you."   Y/N blushed and tried to brush it off. "I don't think Kaz goes around thinking about how to impress me," she said, sitting down at the dinner table with her plate of food.  Nina smiled and shook her head. "Look, we all know that you and Kaz have a thing, Jesper can't keep his mouth shut, but we've all agreed that we don't want to say anything because no one wants to die by caning," she said.  "So yes, Kaz Brekker thinks about impressing you, and apparently stalks you since that's about the 6th time I've seen him looking at you since lunch."  She nodded her head towards the line for food where Kaz was standing.  When Y/N looked and saw him he looked at Matthias as if he had been listening to what the giant was saying.   Y/N shook her head and looked back at Nina.  "I'm impressed that you somehow broke through that icy wall he has around him." "I don't think I broke it, feels kind of like I just found a small door and crawled through," she said.  "I mostly just want him to be happy, well as close to happy as Kaz Brekker gets.  Though I'm not made of kruge so I doubt he's that happy." "Who knows, maybe he likes you more than kruge," Nina said.  Both women started laughing, drawing some attention to themselves.  Jesper and Inej soon joined them with Wylan coming soon after.  Matthias was next and finally Kaz.  He approached the table and cleared his throat.  Wylan looked up from his spot next to Y/N.   "What?" he asked, noticing the murderous look on Kaz's face.   Y/N rolled her eyes but smiled.   "Move merchling before he gets angry," Jesper said, pulling Wylan closer to him.   "I don't know how you tell...he always looks angry," the boy grumbled as he started eating.   Y/N saw Kaz throw him a look before he started eating himself.  

A few minutes into the conversation about the possible job that was going to be given to the Dregs Wylan threw a hand up and it smacked Kaz's shoulder.  Kaz had let down his guard some, not really paying attention and didn't expect the interaction.  He paled and felt a little dizzy for a moment, the world going a little fuzzy.  He hadn't had an incident like this in a long time.  He had come to expect the small bumps and touches from others and braced himself all the time for them.  Now however, after the journey and him having held hands with Y/N last night, he had let down that guard thinking he was getting better, but this proved him wrong.  No one else seemed to notice that he was struggling and he was glad, he didn't want them to see his weakness so clearly on display.  He had to recover quick but at the moment he didn't know how, his vision wasn't refocusing and he could feel his chest closing, feeling sickness rising in him.   "Kaz, listen to me."  Her voice, he heard it in his head.  At least he thought that's where it was.  "Breathe.  Breathe again.  One more time.  Now close your eyes and open them.  Look at me."  He did as she said and when he opened his eyes and looked at her he saw they were alone at the table.  She smiled at him.  "I told them you were still tired from the journey, they went to set up a fire circle for tonight, asked for us newcomers to join them."   "Alright," Kaz said.  He was still focusing on her voice, letting her talk and letting the sound ground him.  From the way she was looking at him he thought that she knew what he was thinking so she kept on the conversation for them both.  They wanted her to bring her guitar, wanted to hear her sing something.  She hoped she didn't embarrass him with her song choice, it was going to be a silly thing she had written while in school.   "Do you think you can stand and walk, they're waving us over now," she said.  He hadn't realized it had gotten truly dark already.  He was going to need to be better about keeping  his guard up, he couldn't let something like that happen again.  He nodded and stood, leaning more on his cane then normal.   Y/N rose and kept a good distance between them, giving him space that he desperately needed and he appreciated her for it.  They worked their way to the other Dregs and sat on seats around a roaring fire.

"Could have used your help with this thing Miss Inferni" Matthias said, giving her an annoyed look.  Nina elbowed him in the ribs.   "I could light your coat on fire if you really want to use my powers like I'm a trained dog," Y/N shot back, sitting down.  Jesper had run to her tent and gotten her guitar.  He sat down and handed it to her.  Kaz sat down next to her and she felt his mood shift, his panic attack was over and he was back.  He looked at her and nodded, confirming he was alright and she nodded back. "Play the song, I think we all want to hear it," Wylan said.  The others murmured agreement and Y/N blushed.  This song was so dumb and she was going to be mortified but she had promised. "Alright so remember I wrote this when I was around 14 so its going to sound like silly fantasy nonsense," she said.  She tuned the guitar a little bit to make it sound brighter and started playing.  It was more upbeat than anything she had played recently and she was really struggling with getting the rhythm down until she heard someone playing what sounded like drums near her.  She looked up and Wylan had a bowl and some spoons and was making a beat for her to play too.  'Thank you' she mouthed to him and he smiled brightly back as he kept playing.  She finally found the beat and started to sing.

"I got myself a notion, one I know that you'll understand To set the world in motion by reaching out for each other's hand"

She teasingly reached out to Kaz, a smile on her face so he knew she was playing.  She expected him to blow her off, roll his eyes and look away, but to her surprise he actually squeezed her hand for just a moment before pulling back.  She felt her heart do a little leap in her chest.  It was one thing for him to touch her in private, where no one could see, but out here with friends was another story, he was comfortable with her and was showing it around others.  The others didn't seem to notice as they were having fun moving in their seats, sometimes making wooping noises to the music as she kept singing about love saving the world.  It was silly but it made everyone smile and that was what she was hoping to do.  They deserved this time to bond as friends again. As the song ended they heard a mocking clapping from nearby.   Y/N turned to look at who was ruining this moment and saw an older man who looked rough, and well, his eyes held evil in them, covered in a thin layer of cruelty.   "That was lovely, just so sweet to see the Dregs back together," he said, voice light, like he was talking to old friends.  Inej stood up, folding her arms. "Not now Rollins, we will speak later," she said.  It clicked for Y/N who this was.  Pekka Rollins.  The man who had nearly destroyed Kaz.  Rage roared inside her and she stood abruptly.  She could feel the anger radiating off of Kaz next to her but he was controlling himself, biding his time.

"O, want to give me a private show little lady?" Pekka said.  This brought Kaz to his feet.  He had felt more then seen the rage that had filled Y/N when she realized who this was.  He was practiced at containing his malice for Rollins but she wasn't.  When she stood he stayed seated, hoping that Rollins would just finish whatever business he came here for and then leave.  Apparently that wasn't going to happen. "What business?" Kaz asked like they were in Ketterdam again.  He figured that's not how things worked around here but it would hopefully remind Rollins of whatever he came here to do.  Rollins laughed. "Living in the past my friend, time to catch up.  I just came to thank you Brekker, breaking me out of that Fjerda prison saved my life.  If I hadn't be escaping I wouldn't have heard those Second Army shits talking about demolishing Ketterdam.  Thanks to you I got most of my crew out, sorry about yours though, shame you couldn't get them out," he said.  Kaz took a deep breath, remembering that his time to kill Rollins was fast approaching.  He would do it in secret of course, take his time in the night and make sure that by morning the body would be unrecognizable.  This mantra kept Kaz from striking the bastard right here.  But it didn't keep Y/N at bay.   Before anyone could react she threw a large rock right at Rollins's face, cracking him in the nose.  Blood poured and he cried out in anger and pain. "You bitch!" he said.   Y/N had a fireball in her hand ready to fire. "Leave now, your business here is finished," she said, becoming every inch the Darkling's second in that moment.  Kaz could see her where someone evil, someone like him, could trust her, deep inside she was the same, she just worked to suppress those traits while he relished in them.  Rollins took the hint and walked away, some of his crewmates coming over to help, glaring at Y/N as they left.   Kaz and Y/N sat down again and they looked at each other.  He was asking her to help him kill Pekka Rollins, tonight, without saying a word.  She understood him completely and nodded. "Tonight," she said.  He wished she hadn't spoken it aloud but it didn't really matter. "You can't kill him Kaz," Inej said.  He looked at her with raised eyebrows. "His death is mine to collect," he said.  "I call the shots for the Dregs and I saw when I take a life."  Inej took a breath and he saw her change, her demeanor becoming one of a leader, ready to compete with him instead of work under him. "It doesn't work like that here Brekker," she said.  "Pekka Rollins did get most of his crew out so our people from Ketterdam joined together, everyone was a Dime Lion or a Dreg and we were forced to become partners.  If you kill Pekka Rollins then those sides will start infighting and this resistance already has enough of that.  Leave him be, a Dreg cannot kill a Dime Lion."  Kaz gripped his cane tight and stood, turning and walking a few steps.  He stopped and glanced back, knowing that Y/N was following him.  He let her catch up to him and they walked back to his tent. "I have a plan," she said as they entered.  Kaz looked at her a little surprised and a little proud.   "Let's hear it," he said.  He knew they probably were thinking of the same plan but he would let her have the credit for it. "I'll get Rollins, if I had to subdue him I will but with how he looked at me I think he'll come willingly.  We got out of camp and then you can have your revenge.  I'll burn the body after.  If he's found everyone will think I did it and after my display tonight I'm sure no one would be surprised.  I'll make sure to distance myself from you and the Dregs out there, make sure they can't pin it on you guys," she said.  Kaz smirked and nodded. Well, think you can work your magic in about an hour?  Head out of the camp and go east, I heard there's a hut there for skinning animals, I think I'll borrow it," Kaz said, feeling the sick thrill of knowing he was going to do something truly horrifying.  

[itsclydebitches]

I adore talking about this with you, it's so cool to be able to agree, everything I've read is just excusing yen lmao.

And with "geralt would rather do and say things Yen wants to avoid pissing her off" LIKE YEAHH I guess I annoyed yen with my answers and she teleported Geralt out of the tower thing, and then threatened to do it again like??? Like he pissed her off so she has fuck all care about him, was over water thank god but like girl??? omg and her refusing to tell the wticher bros what she was planning on doing to Uma, like I get that they would be hesistent but I mean it's cause it's cruel and painful and they have that trauma around that. She just expects everyone to do what she asks when she asks no questions. (Lambert's "I'm not geralt" when he and Yen are kinda arguring, bb red flags)

I just assumed she didn't believe him cause if she did whats her excuse for behaving how she is lmao??? Like you believe he has amnesia and you still blame HIM over the person who maniplated him KAY.

And goodddd that fucking scene when Triss and Yen see Ciri in Kaer Morhen is genuinely the worst, Triss and Yen see their sis/daughter (not gonna get into how weird I find it that Triss considers Ciri her sister and Geralt is Ciris father and she still wants to fuck him, uncomfy) for the first time in forever, she's alive and well and while Triss is hugging Ciri, Yen kisses Geralt and Triss throws a glare at her. I hated that scene so damn much, it's stupid and shouldn't have been there. (aso I get emotions and all but Yen kissing Geralt is so bitchy, idk even full of gratitude and emotion I wouldn't kiss the man who just dumped me lol, especially not in front of a situation like Triss)

I'm still mad about the women, I really wanted to like them fuck meeee

YOU GOT TO THE PART. Oh thank god, anon, I've wanted to talk about this since we started these conversations lol

Okay, let's set the scene, shall we? You arrive to find that, with our playthroughs anyway, your ex has barged into your home. I say "barged in" because although we (Geralt) know that Yen's help is necessary and she'll be tagging along, the other witchers living there are given no prior warning and, according to Vesemir, Yen teleported in without so much as a "Hello." She then immediately starts ordering everyone around like her servants, failing to explain the situation beyond there being a curse that they have to help with. No, this isn't negotiable. She (still being an ex) takes your old room for herself, which just happens to be the biggest in the keep, and proceeds to toss a bed out the window. It's only later that Vesemir recalls that Triss used to use it, so prior to that everyone apparently just accepted that Yen was destroying their stuff for no understandable reason. Classic Yen. You go upstairs to find her cursing a blue streak at her failed experiment and when you try to lighten the mood, she snaps at you. If you're of the opinion that Yen's every order must be obeyed, this is when you're supposed to drop the conversation entirely, because she said to. Except, funnily enough, you'd like to know why she's up here being The Worst Guest Ever and destroying your property. She tries to justify this by saying that destroying a bed is better than how she could be dealing with her anger over Triss. Be grateful and all that. Except, it's not really about Triss, is it? The line is "You shagged my friend. For upwards of a year. I don't know what your witcher's code says on the matter, but ordinary folk would consider it obscene, base, vile." The blame is not on the woman who knowingly manipulated Geralt into having sex with her while he was vulnerable, it's on Geralt himself! He is the "obscene, base, vile" person for... daring to have amnesia? And when you point that out - "Yen... told you already. I lost my memory" - she yells that she's "lost [her] patience" and teleports you into a lake! This is, apparently, how she really wants to deal with her anger. Not by destroying beds, but by attacking you for things outside of your control. And I do consider it an attack. Yen is meant to be insanely powerful, she is leveraging her magic as a weapon here, particularly when Geralt has spent the whole game commenting on how much he hates portals. Yen knows this. Not just because he says so in her presence, but because she frequently reads his mind, something else he's expressed discomfort with. She's not just demonstrating her power (controlling) and sending him away when he makes a point she doesn't want to acknowledge (immature), she chooses the one thing she knows makes Geralt uncomfortable, perhaps even scared. Then when you've swum your way back to shore and returned to, despite all this, begin her list of chores, she makes a dry comment about how next time she just might drop you high enough for the fall to be fatal. With the next time implied to be, you know, the next time you disagree with her. The next time you dare to do anything other than agree with her every belief and jump at her every command.

The fandom interpretation of all this: "Lol Geralt getting yeeted is so funny. And their banter is just 😍"

Me:

You mentioned red flags and yeah like that ENTIRE SCENE is a crimson banner for me. I mean, by all means, love the fictional ships that are super messed up (I often do), but it astounds me how many fans honestly think this is just a cute interaction with absolutely no problems attached. Nothing to question here, folks. I've mentioned before, but last I discussed this in depth the asker wanted to know if I'd been an asshole to Yen and... that's it. That's the perspective. Any disagreement with her, any pushback, anything that's not complete, blind obedience is something she will not permit AND something most fans take as a given. If you're not doing what Yen tells you to, you're automatically the asshole, and if you're the asshole, you automatically deserve any punishment she chooses to dish out.

Comic spoilers coming up if you want to skip, but this is made abundantly clear in "Curse of Crows." Yen and Geralt are at their best in the moment below, enjoying one another's company on a nice day. Yen asks if Geralt wants to swim and he says nah, he'd rather watch her. She appears to like that idea and, indeed, swims naked while Geralt admires from the shore.

Actually cute right? I really liked this moment! They're cuddled up together and exchanging smiles. It's a rare moment of peace where I can believe that they truly care for one another, outside of passionate sex and not wanting the other dead. Finally, something beyond that incredibly low bar.

...except Yen starts flirting with a young man who shows up, invites him to travel with them, all while refusing to explain why she's interested in his company. The sudden third wheel is clearly bothering Geralt, but Yen continues to ignore his questioning. The answer she finally gives later that night?

She did it purely to mess with Geralt! It's his "just desserts" for "refusing to swim with [her]." She is "not one to be refused - I thought you needed reminding" by giving him "a flick on the nose." When I say that Yen treats Geralt like a dog I mean she literally treats him like a dog. He's a servant who must jump at her every command and if he doesn't, he'll punished for disobedience. He might not even know why he's being punished for a long stretch because Yen enjoys making him think she's a normal person capable of accepting that he doesn't feel like swimming right now - insert the Kaer Morhen scene where she wants to go have sex upstairs, but Geralt wants to catch up with the brothers he hasn't seen in an age here - only to reveal that actually she's made their formerly nice outing uncomfortable because he needs to be put in his place. All of which is followed by, "So... willing to join me now?" The message is very clear! Geralt had better get his ass in that tub unless he wants to be punished some more. Whether he wants a bath right now or not is inconsequential.

This is also the run where she scares the women Geralt was with, despite them being separated right now. Why? "I could."

Claims that Geralt is allowed to return to his companions (who he actually waves away) only for him to realize she's cast a spell to burn him with the water. Yen loves pretending she's okay with things only to punish Geralt for them later - sometimes with physical punishments. And what would have happened if the women had actually joined him again? Do witchers weather hot water better than the average courtesan? Who knows, but Yen clearly doesn't care who might get hurt.

Just like her time in Skellige and at Kaer Morhen, she refuses to explain what's going on. She just expects people to obey her, so-called loved ones included. Geralt was to get her cider, and arrive before her bath went cold, not question what they're doing on this dangerous hunt. He's a servant.

And my favorite, petty moment: transforming her awful inn food into a lavish meal without offering to do the same for either Geralt or Ciri.

"But, Clyde, that's just the comics. They're not really canon." Nah, questions of canon aside, this is 100% Yen's characterization. She's prideful. Immature. Beyond controlling. And punishes anyone who dares to tell her "No." Fans are always pointing out that she's meant to be horrible, she could have been a villain in another life, like any of that explains why I'm supposed to root for this relationship or enjoy her existence outside of being a complex character. Yen is interesting, but she's interesting in a "I can't wait to see her get her own just desserts" way. Not "Wooo now I get to watch this story ignore her behavior again to push a True Love narrative."

She punished Geralt frequently during their first meeting, she punishes him whenever they get together, and, I think, she punished him during the reunion with Ciri. Given our playthroughs, do we really think that after breaking up with her and all this fury over Triss - an anger so deep she destroyed the bed and attacked Geralt - she's just overcome with such joy that she forgets they're not together anymore and forgets the anger she's been nurturing for years? Yen doesn't forget. She's staring at Ciri during that moment, right where Triss is currently running towards them, and then after a considering look at Geralt pulls him in for that kiss. That was calculated. She did that to make a claim she no longer had. To punish them both: make Triss uncomfortable by playing at the "perfect" family reunion; make Geralt uncomfortable by kissing him when she knows he doesn't feel the same way. But of course, the popular reading is that she just loves him so much she couldn't help herself. Riiight.

It's just all SO BAD. (Including, as you say, the ickiness of having Triss lusting after Geralt and referring to Ciri as "little sis.") I love a lot of the women in Witcher - Cerys is a fave, Ciri, Saskia, Philippa, Keira, etc. - but the two I'm supposedly meant to fall in love with are just the worst lol.

Basically:

Half the fandom: TEAM TRISS 🤬

The other half: TEAM YEN🤬

Me: TEAM REGIS 😭

[kill-for-cookies]

Hi! Could I request literally anything Whittaker!Master please?!

Also justt want to say that I love you’re writing and that you’re incredible 💕 have a great day

Aaaaaw, that's so nice of you! Thank you so much. At one point, I thought about stopping writing altogether, but you proved me wrong. Unfortunately, this took me longer than I thought (I was out of writing and fandom), but I hope you enjoy it. This is my present for you on my birthday :)

Dealing with the Devil

---------------------------------------------------

Another morning of another day. A normal morning. That's an odd word for you, considering you've been traveling with the Doctor, but not anymore. You'll have to get used to this word, to a new lifestyle and daily routine.

You didn't have an argument with a time traveler. You just outgrown these endless adventures. Of course, travel in time and space is wonderful, but it seems you're tired of constant stress, concern, anxiety, waiting for danger. From this point of view, it's not as exciting as it used to be.

Besides, you're tired of helping people all the time, risking your own life. Sometimes people have to overcome difficulties and let them save themselves. Maybe you've become more selfish over the years, but no one is perfect, so you weren't too worried.

The day was clear, almost cloudless, with no bright sun. Peace and tranquility. At such moments, you liked to go to a cafe, take your time, drink coffee with a bun in a pleasant and cozy atmosphere. In addition, it was where you made friends for the first time with a girl who works in cafe and is not associated with traveling in a blue police box. For that, you appreciated this place even more.

When you arrived at the cafe, waiting in line, you met the eyes of Lucy, your friend, who greeted you, but somehow without emotions, which wasn't like herself. Maybe she was just tired. Or was it just the morning? It's only 9 am.

You decided to look around for now. In the farthest corner on the right sat a man with an orange cap, typing something on a computer. And in the middle sat a lady in a big black hat, looking out of the window and holding a cup in both hands.

When your turn finally came, you ordered everything as usual, namely coffee with a croissant. You tried to start a conversation with Lucy while your coffee was being made, but nothing much came of it. Your friend didn't answer much, just smiled.

Everything would have been fine, but something was clearly wrong. Your instincts told you that and one thing you've learned from your adventures with the Doctor is that you can't ignore your instincts.

Your friend were just smiling, nothing suspicious or strange, but for some reason you felt uneasy, your back went all goosebumps. And you couldn't explain why.

'Please, Y/N, stop. Why do you always have to think about the bad things? It just seemed to you, stop looking for a catch' you thought. And it was true. What makes you think you're a trouble magnet and not the Doctor? The answer is obvious, isn't it?

After receiving your order, you sat down at a table and sipped some coffee, which was as always delicious. Well, the robot definitely couldn't make such a divine drink. So all your previous doubts were disappeared, dissolved in a fog of pleasure.

But something inside you said it was worth coming here tomorrow. God knows why. Maybe the coffee was so good or something else...

The next morning. The weather got a little worse, but that didn't spoil your mood. You were lucky to have two days off in a row. You didn't have to get up early and do anything special.

This time you were late - you left the house at 11 am. It was because first you decided to stay in bed and not get up, then you took a long time to get ready, and then you went to the cafe on foot, and not by bus as usual.

Once inside, you took a couple of steps forward and looked at the entire cafe, out of old habit. It was just like yesterday. Nothing changed. Also noisy and cozy, Lucy with a cold face, all the same people at the tables - at the farthest corner man with a computer and an orange cap, and in the middle a lady in a big black hat... Stop! Nothing changed at all! You have a photographic memory for faces.

'Okay, that's weird. Should I leave? Yeah, I think it's a good idea' you couldn't help but agree with your voice of reason and calmly, behaving completely normal, turned around and headed for the door...

But unfortunately, you didn't have time to get out - you ran into some big man. You were hoping you could get off with a quick excuse and sneak out, but he grabbed you by forearms hard, spun you around and pushed you forward a little. Everyone in the cafe looked at you with cold, unfeeling eyes, like robots.

At that moment, you had no doubt that something was wrong. Why do these things happen to you? Maybe it was a new version of Cybermen with invisible armor? Or Daleks masquerading as humans? If only the Doctor would arrive here, as usual, at the right moment...

"Oh, don't worry, I did everything I could to keep him out of our way" oh no, it was even worse than the Daleks and Cybermen put together. You knew exactly who said that. How could you not notice her blonde head and smug grin with red lips? Right now, you were just cursing yourself with every possible word and wanting to sink through the ground.

"Master..." you said it through clenched teeth, almost growling her name, which makes you weak, defenseless and annoyed you. And surely, the blonde grinned even wider, showing snow-white teeth.

"It's nice to know you haven't forgotten me yet, sweetheart" now the Master stood in front of you with all her arrogant majesty. She was watching you closely, waiting for your reaction. Her gaze seemed to look into your soul and ignite something in you, thus adding fuel to the fire.

"Don't call me like you and I are old friends" you barely restrained your anger, not to spoil a difficult situation, from which you still need to somehow get out. At least alive...

"Aren't we?" the Time Lady was feigning surprise. "Didn't you enjoy our moments together?" her lower lip pushed forward, as if offended, though you didn't even need to know the Master to know she was secretly exulting.

Not to say that you didn't stay alone with her, but the Master certainly didn't show any special interest in you. Just as a Doctor's companion, that's all. At least, that was what you thought.

You chose not to answer her question. It wasn't even you didn't want to please her. You just didn't know the answer to it. The blonde just gave you a toothy smile. She was having too much fun. You couldn't even remember when she was like this.

"What do you want from me?" you had enough of this. The sooner you found out what this arrogant Time Lady wanted, the sooner you'd turn her down and maybe be able to return home. Although knowing the Master, the last one was unlikely.

She walked around you like a snake encircling its prey and, standing behind you, whispered in your ear:

"An offer you can't refuse. But before I tell you about it, I suggest you sit down" the blonde pointed to the table with her hand. You didn't have much of choice: anyway, you'd end up at that damned table and listen to her. Voluntarily or by force.

So you reluctantly sat down at the table. A few moments later, the Master was sitting across from you. You tried to read her face to see what she was going to offer, but you couldn't. But you noticed something else.

The Master behaved somehow differently. Well, arrogant as always. Well, Time 'What is personal space?' Lady. But there was something else and it was eluding you, but it was clearly bothering you... Why did it bother you at all?

"What's the deal?" to be honest, you were really curious to know. Of course, your answer would remain unchanged in any case, but what exactly prompted the Time Lady to come to you and not just to annoy the Doctor.

"You can travel with me" she said, perfectly casually and serenely, glancing at her fingernails.

On the opposite, you were like being struck by lightning. Wow! Were we really talking about the same time traveler? Because it didn't really look like a Master.

Usually, she always laughs at the whole thing about companionship. But here we were, Master asking you to travel with her. Well, that was something you definitely couldn't predict. And what should you do in this situation?

"Do you want me to be your companion? Why?" there was a clear surprise in your voice, but you didn't try to hide it (her suggestion affected you so much). You could even feel your eyebrow go up and not down.

"I would say a partner. And to answer your question, why not? Not only the Doctor can have companions. Besides, he doesn't suit you at all" if that was even possible, your eyes widened even more. The second eyebrow rose to the first at the top. "You're more like me..."

Ha! A nervous laugh escaped from your throat. This was already out of the realm of science fiction. If you're impulsive and don't control your emotions well, that doesn't make you a psycho killer.

"That's not true!" you leaned back from the table, arms crossed defensively, and your nose wrinkled in displeasure.

The blonde looked up at you with her hazel eyes which glittered with mischief and pleasure. She got up from her chair, obviously coming up with something. The Time Lady came and stood behind you, her heels clacked on the floor with each step.

"Then tell me, why don't you care about these people?" the Master leaned toward you, her velvety voice sounding in your ear, like the devil was whispering in your ear. "If you did, you'd immediately ask what is wrong with them or beg me to fix them."

You turned your back on the Master and particularly on the people in the cafe. As much as you hate to accept it, she was right. Not to say that you didn't care about them, but now you were trying to get yourself out of this situation. You are not the Doctor, who can save everyone (or many people). You're only human, and of course, if you can save these people, you certainly won't mind.

"I'm still waiting for an answer. I hope you understand that otherwise these people will die, right?" well, of course, how can you do without blackmail? Now you understand very well the Doctor who has to make difficult decisions in such moments. That sucks, actually.

It's strange, but somehow you wanted to say 'no' even more than before. Not only to annoy the Master, but something told you that she wouldn't kill these people. Something has clearly happened to the smug Time Lady, something beyond your comprehension... For now.

And what if... It's very risky and may cost you dearly, but you had to try. What if it works? Actually, two can play this game, can't they?

"No" it's a good thing the blonde was standing right in front of you now, so you could see her really surprised face. It's worth a lot.

There was a grin on your face, which certainly couldn't please the Master. And it wasn't even followed by any weapons pointed at you or anyone nearby and that confirmed your assumption.

"What?"

"No" you repeated, getting up from your chair and slowly making your way back to the exit. "I am not the Doctor, who falls for your provocations. I'm not their savior and certainly not a babysitter," you pointed to the cafe visitors. "It was nice chatting, bye!"

You turned around and walked confidently and quickly to the door. Maybe you could still get home before the Master came to her senses. Although you certainly couldn't anywhere in the universe (and even more on Earth) hide from her...

But by the Murphy's law, things didn't go the way you planned or wanted them to. Just before you raised your hand to the doorhandle, you heard a soft, but definitely unexpected word:

"Please" if you didn't know the Master, you would have said her voice trembled.

You were supposed to keep going to the door, just keep going and get out of here. But your feet betrayed you. They just stopped and refused to go.

'It must be some trick or I just imagined it... Anything, but it can't be true' but that thought didn't stop you from turning around and asking:

"What?"

"Isn't that a word you say when you want something?" even from where you were, you could feel the irritation and... embarrassment? Your surprise was boundless.

"Yes, but I'm just surprised. This is the first time I've heard you say that"

Apparently, your mind was too clouded by emotions, because you really started to consider the offer. Your heart skipped a beat and you felt sorry for the Master. You never thought about it, but she doesn't have anyone. No one deserves such fate, not even the most dangerous person in the Universe.

"Fine..." surprisingly, the word just came out of you as if you had replayed this situation hundred times.

Before you got it, the blonde had already closed the distance, grabbed your arm and led you with quick steps to the TARDIS, which you just noticed. After all, the Master had the chameleon circuit working.

Before you put your foot in the time machine, you pulled your hand away. You had something to say. If the Time Lady wanted to travel with you, it would be on your terms. Well, as far as it was possible.

"But I have two conditions: first, no killing, I hate it" you didn't really believe that the Master would be able to contain it. But at least, in most cases. And that was worth something.

"You ruined all the fun..." the blonde rolled her eyes, but didn't respond further.

"What did you want from the Doctor's companion?" a smug grin appeared on your face, and the Master couldn't but just grin. "Second, bring these people back to normal."

Apparently, the Master assumed you would forget about them, because she snorted with displeasure, disappointed with your request. But she kept her word - after a snap of her fingers, all the people in the cafe seemed to wake up from a dream and began to look around, not understanding what had just happened.

The next thing you got, you were in the Master's TARDIS. And this is where a new chapter in your life begins. It probably won't end well, but who cares? You were willing to take the risk. Maybe this will be the best period in your life...

[anextraordinarymuse]

How are you feeling about Nathan and Nathan and Elizabeth right now? Do you feel like the show has destroyed him? Just, how are you feeling about all this—what are your thoughts?

Oh anon, I’m so glad you asked. Buckle up! We’re going for a ride.

I would marry Nathan Grant this instant if 1) I wasn’t already married, and 2) he wasn’t a fictional character. 

Nathan is not even remotely close to being destroyed for me. I love and adore him as much right now as I ever have. I absolutely, wholeheartedly disagree with anyone who says that Nathan was in any way responsible for what happened to Jack, to any degree. That’s just ridiculous. By that same line of thinking, then Jack was responsible for Doug’s death in season 3 or 4 (I can’t remember). I don’t remember anyone pointing fingers at Jack for that series of events. And you know what? By the line of thinking that I’ve seen in regards to Nathan and the secret, then Jack would actually have been more responsible for Doug’s death than Nathan was for Jack’s. Jack declined his orders to go to the Northern Territories. He straight up said “sorry, but no” because Elizabeth wanted him to stay, and he wanted to stay with her. Nathan did no such thing. He made a decision to chase bad guys - which was in line with his job, if not his direct orders - and was disciplined for disobeying orders. That led to Jack being asked to lead the training mission. Not Nathan’s refusal of orders. So ... nope. Jack wasn’t responsible for Doug’s death, and Nathan wasn’t responsible for Jack’s death. Also, depending on who you are and what you believe, it could almost be said that Jack should have died in Doug’s place, and because he didn’t that meant he was going to die in Nathan’s place. There is a macabre sort of symmetry to it: Doug dies in Jack’s place, Jack dies in Nathan’s place. That’s full circle. 

Now, I’m not saying that I believe that. Just pointing it out. I believe that Jack died because of an accident. No one is at fault. It just happened, because sometimes bad things happen. And I understand how difficult it would have been for Nathan to tell Elizabeth that, especially as they got to know one another and he started to fall in love with her. Not telling her doesn’t make him evil or a bad person or whatever - it just makes him human. He knew that it would hurt Elizabeth, and you never want to hurt the people you love. 

I’ve seen various other criticisms of Nathan, of course. I’ve seen some comments saying that he’s too aggressive in his pursuit of Elizabeth, and to that I say that I don’t think I’m watching the same show. Nathan has never been aggressive with Elizabeth in any way. I could literally write a book about that argument, but I won’t, because I still have a lot of other points to cover. 

So, no. I don’t think the show ruined Nathan. I think some people are just ready to hate him for any reason, and if that’s how they feel then ... well, I don’t care, actually. The great thing about fandom is that you get to choose how you engage with it, and I’m not interested in those points of view. Other people’s dislike or outright hatred of Nathan does not dim my love of him one whit. 

As far as Nathan and Elizabeth are concerned, I am tired, but I have absolute faith that they will be together by the end of the season. Nathan is Elizabeth’s “next great love” (words used by Erin Krakow); we’ve always been moving toward their end game, and despite how rocky and painful and awkward the journey has become, that end game hasn’t changed. Here’s a (non-exhaustive) list of reasons why I know that:

Quality of storytelling: Nathan and Elizabeth have the highest quality of storylines both separately and together. Their storylines focus on real and important values such as family, forgiveness, growth, loss, etc. I’ve mentioned this before, but pretty much from their first interaction we are shown that Nathan and Elizabeth are a team. They are united. Elizabeth is the first person to welcome Nathan to HV, and she shares a personal story of her first days in the town and how challenging they were. It’s the first thread that connects them. Also, I should point out that the first time Nathan meets Elizabeth he delivers a measure of relief for her in the form of Jack’s pension. We know that Elizabeth makes money from her teaching, and that her family in Hamilton would probably never let her want for money, but still. Receiving Jack’s pension undoubtedly relieved a financial burden for her (as evidenced by her reaction to seeing the amount). Anyway, the themes of team and unity keep going from there. Elizabeth helps Nathan search for Allie; they have to work together to correct Allie’s behavior and reassure her; Elizabeth distracts Amos Dixon while Nathan is infiltrating the saloon to catch him; etc. These themes are not present in Elizabeth’s relationship with Lucas. All of Lucas’s storylines are impersonal, with the exception of the one with his parents in season 8 and the little bit of backstory we got with the Amos Dixon incident. The work and effort that has gone into telling Nathan’s story, and Nathan and Elizabeth’s story, is absent from Lucas’s plotlines both with and without Elizabeth. Another point: whereas Elizabeth’s first interaction with Nathan ties that first thread of connection between them, her first interaction with Lucas starts them off on the wrong foot: Lucas asks her where her husband is and if he’ll be joining her. Elizabeth immediately walks away from him and Rosie and Lee have to tell Lucas about Jack. 

Depth of interactions: At this point, the lack of any real depth between Lucas and Elizabeth is absolutely intentional. I think it always has been, but now there’s just no question. Almost every interaction between Nathan and Elizabeth has depth. They can’t help it - they’re not really surface level people. Helen Bouchard tells Elizabeth this season that she knows that Elizabeth is a person who feels things deeply, and I think we know by now that Nathan is as well. They bring that level of feeling to their interactions. They argue, they flirt, they talk about the hard things. Pain, loss, distrust, obstacles ... we never see that depth between Lucas and Elizabeth. The one hard thing they talk about is the reveal of Helen’s secret, and it’s important to note that in that interaction Elizabeth calls out Lucas’s comment for what it is: cruel. “What would you know about it?” Uncalled for. This is the only time we really see Elizabeth and Lucas argue, and Lucas doesn’t meet Elizabeth’s depth here. She tells him something meaningful - that maybe Helen had to be the first one to reach out, and that love should be fought for - and Lucas responds with a cruel comment and walks off. That was intentional on the writers’ part. When Nathan and Elizabeth argue they get heated, but they do not attack each other. That’s an important distinction. They’re not trying to hurt each other. Now, I’m sure someone will point out that in Nathan and Elizabeth’s most recent argument about Allie, Elizabeth says “now you’re just being hurtful” when Nathan tells Elizabeth she originally wasn’t invited. Guess what? Cruel and hurtful don’t mean the same thing. Cruel means: willfully causing pain or suffering to others, or feeling no concern about it.” Whereas the definition of hurtful is: “causing distress to someone’s feelings.” I would say there’s a huge difference in those two words. Plus, even though it may have hurt Elizabeth to hear it, what Nathan said was true. It was not an insult, or a petulant remark said in anger. In fact, while Nathan is irritated and kinda snarky, I’d say he’s not really even that angry in the scene where Elizabeth confronts him. They bicker, but he doesn’t lose his temper like he did in the cabin scene in season 7. In fact, in all of the times that Nathan and Elizabeth have argued their disagreements have never been mean spirited or intentionally hurtful. 

But it’s not just that. When Nathan loses his temper in the cabin scene, he says “you both could have died!” When Elizabeth confronts him in the Mountie office the next day, she says “please stop shutting me out!” These are not surface level arguments - they’re not arguing about Elizabeth’s inability to decide what she wants for dinner. (Sorry, had to throw in a joke). They’re arguing over deep concerns: bodily harm, and emotional withdrawal. I find it interesting that Nathan displayed concern about Elizabeth’s physical safety and Elizabeth over his emotional withdrawal, considering that at the end of season 7 and now in season 8 we’re seeing an Elizabeth who is terrified of losing Nathan (physical safety) and a Nathan who has had to weather Elizabeth’s emotional withdrawal. Who’s shutting who out now, Elizabeth? I digress. 

Another thing of note: we’ve never actually heard Nathan tell Elizabeth that she’s beautiful, and we’ve never actually heard Lucas tell her anything but she’s beautiful. Interesting contrast. Nathan says, “You matter to me,” “you’re quite the teacher,” “I’m glad the publisher realized how special you are. He’s not the only one,” and of course, “I love/am in love with you.” Even Nathan’s compliments go beyond surface level. Whereas Lucas tells her she’s beautiful, and that he’s so glad to have her in his life. Again, depth vs. surface level. I do remember that in the first episode of season 7, I believe, when Nathan says that he was never engaged with school Lucas butts in and says “that’s probably because you never had a teacher like Elizabeth.” I tend to disregard this compliment though, because it didn’t feel genuine. Lucas butts in to a conversation that Nathan and Elizabeth are having and then compliments her - it feels like a showboat move. In contrast, all of Nathan’s compliments have been sincere and given in private, without anyone else around. 

I was going to make a separate point for this, but I actually think it belongs here: the depth of Nathan’s gift giving/wooing vs. Lucas’s is also very apparent. Nathan gives her personal, humble gifts: an apple, a hand carved wooden sign with a quote from her favorite poet (which she mentioned once, to someone else), a moment of relief when he offers to hold baby Jack at the christening party. Lucas’s gifts are more grandiose, but impersonal: flowers, fancy dates, etc. The two sweetest things Lucas has done for her, in my opinion, were when he gave her the binoculars to take for the kids on their trip to the woods, and the Virginia Wolff trip. Note, I don’t mean the dinner out of town or the picnic on the way there: I mean the fact that Lucas bought tickets to go see a reading of an author that he didn’t particularly like because he thought Elizabeth would like them. Granted, I didn’t like the way he sprung them on her, but it was still a very thoughtful gesture. 

Wardrobe: Costume and set designers will tell you all the time that they make conscious decisions about who wears what, and when. Nathan and Elizabeth are always dressed in complementary colors. They match, or at least blend well; Lucas and Elizabeth are often mismatched or outright clashing. Elizabeth and Nathan generally dress in lighter colors, whereas Lucas dresses in darker colors. Also worth noting is that we have seen several instances of Nathan and baby Jack being dressed alike, and Allie and Elizabeth being dressed in similar/complementary colors. 

Family Imagery: the amount of family imagery that we are presented with in regards to Nathan, Elizabeth, Allie, and baby Jack is impossible to miss. They pick out and decorate a Christmas tree together in a warmly lit home with a combination of Elizabeth’s decorations and Nathan and Allie’s; even though it doesn’t happen, the first time Nathan asks Elizabeth to dinner they go as a family unit; Elizabeth brings over cupcakes for the sleepover and helps Nathan loosen up by flirting with him in the middle of his kitchen, with an apron on; these are all intimate, family oriented scenes. 

Shows of fear/worry/concern: look at Elizabeth’s face any time Nathan is heading into danger, might be in danger, or just generally might be unsafe in any way. She is visibly distressed every time. She’s also distressed every time Nathan gives her the cold shoulder/tries to back off/resorts to any kind of formality. We’re always shown this moment of fear for her, and usually some kind of scene after that shows us the aftermath. For example: after the fight in the cabin, when they’re back in town it looks like Nathan might be about to apologize and Florence interrupts him and he leaves to find Lee; we get the scene of Elizabeth confronting him the following day. After that confrontation, we get Nathan showing up at night and telling her “you matter to me.” Elizabeth asks Lucas to dance and then sees a crestfallen Nathan leaving the saloon; in the next episode (even though it’s the first episode of the following season) we see Elizabeth purposely approach Nathan in the street with a sweet but awkward comment about Allie’s book report on Queen Victoria. We’ve only seen two real moments of danger for Lucas: the Amos Dixon situation, and the oil derrick explosion. In the Amos Dixon incident, Elizabeth is angry with Lucas for endangering her; in the oil derrick explosion, we actually don’t get a scene addressing that other than the one where Elizabeth stops Helen and tells her that she’s sure Lucas is fine. Interesting differences, I’d say. This also ties into the previous point about the emotional depth that exists between Nathan and Elizabeth, but not Elizabeth and Lucas. Other than the hug, of course, which was a huge display of fear and emotion from Elizabeth, I'd also point you to the scene at the end of 8x01 when Elizabeth is waiting on her porch for Nathan to come home. She can hardly breathe when she sees him ride up. Watch the way she breathes - she inhales so deeply that it makes her collarbones stick out sharply, and her expression is intense. The way she says "you made it home" is so tense and shaky!

The pursuer vs the pursued: This is a huge point, and difference. In the Elizabeth and Lucas relationship, Lucas is the pursuer; in the Nathan and Elizabeth relationship, Elizabeth is the pursuer. Lucas inserts himself in conversations that Elizabeth and Nathan are having, he repeatedly asks her to dinner and surprises her with things (like the Virginia Wolff tickets, and sending her manuscript to his mother, etc). At first, Elizabeth seems hesitant about these things: she turns him down once for dinner, hesitates over the tickets, then finally sits down to dinner with him but won't call it a date. To me, the relationship between Lucas and Elizabeth seems to come about mostly because he wears her down. Elizabeth only really goes to Lucas and opens the door for a relationship after Nathan's profession of love. That certainly makes it seem like she's not so much running to Lucas as she is running away from Nathan. In comparison, we have a whole bunch of examples of Elizabeth being the one to pursue some sort of relationship with Nathan. Not necessarily a romantic one (at least purposely) but every time Nathan tries to leave Elizabeth alone and put distance between them, she closes that gap by figuratively running straight at him. Calling him out for shutting her out, finding excuses to talk to him (like Allie's book report), basically telling him that she went to Union City with Lucas because Nathan wouldn't ask her out. Now, in season 8 I would say that we've taken a fairly hard turn and Nathan has now taken the lead as the pursuer and Elizabeth is the pursued ... which is mostly true. I think one of the key takeaways on this point, and up to this point in the show, is that Elizabeth and Nathan can't help but pursue each other. It's a frustrating game of cat and mouse. But, it's true: even though they're on shaky ground and things are complicated, we still see Elizabeth and Nathan running to each other as much as they run away. Nathan does so in obvious ways, but Elizabeth is more subtle. She sends him that note about missing the parent teacher conference and then they have that conversation in her living room; Elizabeth follows Allie as she barges in on the inquiry and then waits outside with her, and they're together when Nathan emerges; Nathan invites her to the adoption ceremony, they share the moment outside the infirmary, Elizabeth stops him to ask about the stolen car outside the mercantile; Elizabeth and Allie upset each other and Elizabeth runs straight to Nathan. No matter how they have tried not to, it's clear at this point that they will always gravitate to one another. In support, in argument, in misunderstanding, in triumph ... they just keep going for one another.

This, I think, has been the point of having Lucas witness all of these interactions between Nathan and Elizabeth. No matter what they might say or the perception they might try to give off, the truth always comes out - and the truth is that they can't stay away from each other. Even when she tries to hide it, Elizabeth's heart is a compass, and we all know that compasses always point one way (and in her case, the N doesn't mean north).

To that point, I think that there has been a lot of double meaning to the things Elizabeth has said this season. The most recent example: in the last episode when Elizabeth says, "I tried to tell you at Allie's parent teacher conference. You are her rock. You are her foundation. If you let her down, her whole world crumbles." Also, to this point, in the scene where they're in Elizabeth's house, she says, "You will always be the measure of the quality she'll look for in a man as she chooses who to marry." I find the wording of both of these statements both interesting and telling. At this point, I think that Nathan isn't just Allie's rock - he's also Elizabeth's. She trusts him, and depends on him, and holds him in high regard. Nathan has unexpectedly filled a hole in Elizabeth's life: he is her main male support now. She has Bill and Lee, of course, but they don't fill the same spot. Bill is like a father figure, and Lee is her best friend's husband. But Nathan - Nathan is only Elizabeth's. It's a very specific spot he fills, and it's as the leading man in her life. They solve problems together, mentor and parent Allie, address the town's needs, etc. Again - they're a unit, and we're meant to see them as such. Elizabeth's behavior didn't change until after she almost lost Nathan (and then he told her he loved her); she doesn't seem shaken or upset until Nathan does something to make her feel that way. Nathan has become her rock, and she's laid a new foundation with him. Her emotional state is directly tied to Nathan (and Allie, as I think we've now seen). No matter how painful or difficult it is, Nathan and Elizabeth are already bonded (and deeply). A fact that will be highlighted in 8x09 when Elizabeth will choose Nathan's hands in that wedding game, despite the fact that she has never held his hands (but has held Lucas's several times now).

So. This turned into a freaking novel, and I could honestly keep going, but I won't. I will just say, once again, that I love Nathan with my whole heart. I may not agree with his every decision, but I don't expect to. I don't agree with a lot of Elizabeth's decisions, but I still love her too. The writers do have some work to do, however, because they took this further than I expected them to and now they need to work their way out of it. But, even in my most frustrated and tired moments - of which there have been several, and will probably be a few more - I have always known all roads lead to Nathan and Elizabeth. We'll be exhausted by the time we cross the finish line, but we'll get there. Don't lose hope.

[angel-tries-to-write]

New life from the darkness: Love me when I don’t

Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack on Titan Rating: Teen and up Pairing: Levi Ackerman x Hanji Zoë, Eren Jäger x Mikasa Ackerman, Armin Arlert x Annie Leonhart Word count: 2157 Genre: fluff, humor, comfort

Eren feels down and his friends help him feel better again.

A/N: The choice between helping Erwin or Armin in this universe didn’t involve giving titan serum, because I needed Bertholdt alive. Something else happened, I don’t really care what exactly.

The dinner was quite peaceful that night. Everyone was silent and focused on eating, yet the atmosphere was comfortable and nice, everyone was chill. Alright, not everyone, Eren was the exception. He clearly was lost in thoughts, not really pleasant ones, judging by the way he kept stabbing his food, instead of eating.

“Eren, what's wrong?” Mikasa asked quietly, she was worried about him. When they met earlier that day, he seemed fine, yet suddenly he wasn't.

“Nothing” he answered, almost automatically.

“You don't look like it was nothing.”

“I'm fine, I promise” he looked her in the eyes and forced a smile.

“Oi, stop lying, brat. You look like someone kicked your ass and you spoil the dinner with that grumpy face” Levi spoke and Eren looked at him, his fist clenched with anger.

“Excuse me then, I'll go somewhere I'm not ruining anything” he growled through his gritted teeth, stood up and tried to walk away, but Mikasa's strong grip stopped him.

“Don't go. Finish your dinner” she said calmly.

“I'm not hungry.”

“Eren, what Levi means is that we're worried about you and we can't enjoy our time together knowing something is bothering you” Hanji said, trying to encourage young man to reconsider his actions. “You know that he's not really good with words” they added. Eren looked at Hanji, then at Mikasa, and sat down. “Good, can we talk about it now?”

“I don't feel like talking about it. There's no point anyway” he replied quietly. “We've already talked about it, Hanji-san, and I don't feel much better. I don't feel like a good kid.”

“I thought I made myself clear the first time: actions mean more than intentions” Hanji stated firmly. “Stop blaming yourself.”

“Care to fill us in?” Levi raised his eyebrow.

“Eren thinks we hate him for what he tried to do. Well, not Mikasa and Armin, but everyone else” they sighed. “And I don't know what to say to make him believe we actually care about him.”

“Oh? So you think you mean nothing to us and we've come this far to help you, only to prove that you're nothing but a dumb weapon, someone so useless that we don't have to pretend we actually need you?” Levi asked with his low, calm voice and Eren winced, unable to look him in the eye, his words were painfully true, that was exactly how the young man felt. “I know that feeling. When I first joined Survey Corps, I was perceived as nothing more than a weapon. I know Erwin needed me only to fight, I was disposable to him at that moment. Maybe it never changed, he just was good at hiding it. And honestly, if it wasn't for some four-eyed, annoying freak, I might have never come where I am today” he confessed.

“Awww, Leviiiii, that's so sweet” Hanji interrupted, looking at him with affection.

“But even the person you trust the most can disagree with you at some point. When we faced the decision whether we should help Erwin or Armin, Hanji had a very different opinion than me. We even had a fight about it. Do I regret my decision? Maybe, but that's my problem and my burden to live with. The point is that Hanji heavily disagreed with me, but not even once left my side. They were always where I needed them. And what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we can't accept what someone we care about is doing. Sometimes we can't agree with them. But it doesn't mean we stop caring about them. So just because you tried to do things we strongly oppose, it doesn't mean we hate you” Levi concluded, looking at Eren, who lifted his eyes sheepishly, seeking confirmation of these words in the rest of his friends.

“Is this really what you're thinking?” he asked quietly.

“You already know my opinion” Jean shrugged. “You're a huge jerk and an idiot. But you're our idiot and if we ever again have any chance to save your sorry ass, we'll gladly go for it.”

“We've been friends for too long to let a few mistakes ruin this relationship” Connie added. “I'm cool with you, no hard feelings.”

“You are an idiot indeed. But Armin trusts you with his life and if he can do that, then I guess I can try as well” Annie admitted.

“Honestly, we all trust each other with our lives. Even you” Jean pointed out. “You were a traitor, you did a lot of terrible things, but that's the past. If I had to fight by your side now, I could totally trust you to cover me and have my back.”

“I agree with Jean” Sasha announced, stopping eating only to say these words.

“Same” Connie agreed and Mikasa just nodded.

“Y-you trust me?” Annie asked shocked, her cheeks blushed and she hid her face behind her hair.

“Of course we do” Armin smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear. “You've changed and redeemed your mistakes. I don't see why we wouldn't trust you” he looked at her with obvious love in his eyes.

“Despite all that I did?” she asked, looking at Jean.

“I thought what I said was clear for the first time” he answered. “I personally can't forgive you or forget what you did and pretend nothing happened. But I can trust you, because since you're back, you've never did anything like that, you even helped us. Besides the others forgave you and I trust their judgement. We won't be best friends, but I can keep it civil.”

“Well said, Jean” Levi agreed with him. “I find it difficult to forget the past, but it doesn't mean I can't believe in you, Annie” he said and only Hanji knew how much it meant. The Female Titan murdered his squad, Petra, Oluo, Gunther and Eld were dead because of her and Levi couldn't simply accept that and pretend it was nothing. But just like Jean, he was willing to keep it down.

Suddenly Eren started to laugh. First he just chuckled, then fully laughed, even a little maniacally, finally he stopped and pressed his sleeve against his eyes. No one seemed surprised, they got used to it. He reacted this way to stress and emotional overwhelming. Mikasa pulled him close and hugged, leaning his head on her shoulder and hiding his face in the crook of her neck. She could feel him tremble with overwhelming emotions as he did his best to hide his crying.

“It's alright, Eren. It's alright. See? I told you they don't hate you. If we could forgive Annie, Bertholdt and Reiner, we can easily forgive you” she assured him, caressing his back and hair. “I know you're not used to care and affection from other people, at least other than me or Armin, but I promise you it's true. You mean a lot to all of us.”

“You are family. Sometimes the only one some of us have left” Hanji smiled, trying to reassure him about their point. Eren let go of Mikasa, his eyes were still glossy and her shoulder was a little wet with his tears, but no one commented it.

“Thank you, guys. You have no idea how much does it mean to me. I thought my fate was doomed and if I pushed you all away, it would be easier to do what had to be done. But you were so stubborn, you didn't let me do any of it and I'm forever thankful for that, because you saved me and the world from myself. I'll never thank you enough for that.”

“You can thank us by settling down and living happily ever after” Armin answered, patting his best friend's back.

“That can be arranged” Eren said, looking at Mikasa, who hid her face in her scarf. “But seriously, thank you. All of you.”

“Can we finish the dinner in peace? Without tearing up and being disgustingly kind?” Levi asked with irritation.

“Especially thank you, Captain—”

“Levi.”

Everyone looked at their captain with shock, even Hanji was surprised.

“What?”

“I've been thinking about it for a while and I decided that we're not really in military anymore. You don't have to call me "captain" then. Just "Levi" is fine” he explained his thoughts.

“Levi, that's... very kind of you” Hanji smiled with affection.

“Tch. Don't test my patience, four-eyes.”

“I love you too” they laughed.

“Please, get a room” Armin whined.

“But they are cute” Sasha protested.

“Enough!”

“Sorry.”

Eren smiled, looking at his friends — his family. He didn't doubt them anymore, this one dinner was enough to learn they loved him as much as he loved them. He wrapped his arm around Mikasa's waist and she covered his hand with hers, smiling lovingly at him. And to think he could lose all of it because of this stupid ideology he believed in... He didn't even want to think what would happen if he didn't have these people in his life. Fortunately he did and he was forever grateful for that.

“By the way, Armin, how was your date?” Jean asked, said man blushed with nervousness. Eren looked at his best friend with betrayal written all over his face. How did Jean knew something about his best friend that even he didn't know?

“Ah, so you took my advice?” Levi looked at him too, with amusement, while Hanji looked disappointed.

“I did. You were right, cap— I mean, Levi-sama. I should have done it a long time ago” Armin admitted. “We wasted so much time, fearing what if our feelings aren't mutual, only to find out they were, from the very beginning” he smiled affectionately at his girlfriend.

“Leviiii!”

“What do you want, four eyes?”

“You've ruined our fun! Me and Eren were supposed to take revenge on Armin for calling us out about our feelings, while being a coward himself” Hanji explained with a pout.

“Grow up” Levi rolled his eyes. “Shouldn't you be happy and proud, like you always are?”

“Oh, I'm thrilled, believe me. But I'm also disappointed that we won't have our fun” they answered, clearly having mixed feelings about it.

“Uhh... I'm sorry?” Armin said sheepishly, not quite sure what did they expect.

“No, don't be. It's fine” they waved their hand, emphasizing that it was no big deal. “I'm actually glad that I won't have to put any effort into it, because you did everything on your own. I'm even proud of you, I didn't expect it's possible without drastic measures.”

“Why don't you believe in him?” Annie spoke up. “Armin is capable of doing anything he wants.”

“Please, you've been in love for years and none of you said a word” Mikasa deadpanned. “We do believe in Armin, but we're just being realistic. None of us is particularly good at talking about feelings” as usual, she was speaking facts.

“Can't argue with that” Annie admitted, recognizing Mikasa's point.

“I have a different question. How and why did Jean know about it and I didn't?” Eren asked, he on the other hand couldn't get over it as easily as Hanji.

“Oh, I was so distracted after talking to Annie, that I nearly collided with Jean, so I told him the reason of my distraction. I would tell you, I swear, but you were working with Hanji-san and before you came back, we already left. Besides, you didn't tell me you were dating Mikasa at first too. I had to find out the hard way” Armin explained, reminding his best friend that he wasn't innocent either.

“Armin, you and her literally made me give up on everything I believed in and come back to you by telling me how much she loves me. Don't play dumb and act like it wasn't obvious” Eren stared at him, not believing in what he'd just heard.

“Alright. You have a point. It wasn't obvious to me, but I can't disagree with your logic” he admitted, realizing his mistake.

“Wait, but since you are together, let's call it officially, does it mean none of us has to hide anymore?” Eren looked at Hanji, who narrowed their eyes in a warning sign. Their deal wasn't valid anymore, but it didn't mean they wouldn't want to murder him if he said a word about them and Levi.

“It's not like you were particularly discreet” Jean pointed out. “But it would be nice if you kept your pda down.”

“Oh, don't worry, I'll make sure of it” Mikasa stated.

“You'd better. Otherwise I'll have to use drastic measures” Levi said and Mikasa narrowed her eyes.

“You know I'm not afraid of you. Especially now. What drastic measures you can possibly use?” she asked daringly, but he only smirked.

“Hanji.”

“Fair enough” she admitted, knowing well that while Levi might have been humanity's strongest, it was his partner who should had been feared, in fact.

[magemelondew]

I know I don't normally post stuff like this, but I just hate it so much when people call Wheatley derogatory names like "idiot" and "moron" as if it's affectionate and funny because like.. it's straight up bullying. How do I know that? Oh, well, it's probably because people did it to me as a child.

Sure, he's a fictional character, but my point still stands; calling him those things is bullying. He wasn't made to be stupid. GLaDOS tells you that. You can't exactly take everything she says at face value, as she can often mislead. It's like a rumor going around at school, you hear something about someone and it spreads and nobody stops to think if it's true. By just blindly believing things about people, you're causing harm to the person in question, and especially so when you're promoting it.

If you dig around in the game's files, an unused line has Wheatley telling a story in the turret factory where he explains that rumor got around about an accident he had caused.

"Over there is where they used to keep the old neurotoxin release button… BIG responsibility, the guy in charge of the neurotoxin release button… And guess who he WAS? …Wasn’t me. But I was his assistant, and I did a lot of his admin. You know, in the end, yes… they let me go… It’s all politics, to be honest. It’s a big popularity contest. It’s all about who you know and whose back you’re willing to scratch and who doesn’t touch – y’know, or in my case who did accidentally touch – the neurotoxin button… But y’know, not entirely my fault! You shoulda seen the SIZE of it! It was huge! I mean I should have got a raise for all the times that I DIDN’T… accidentally bump into it…"

The foreman was going to hire him, until he heard about what Wheatley had done. So they sent him to the lowest job available– the relaxation center. He doesn't have a job, really, he's not in charge of anything. The entire facility there is automatic, He was just there as a safeguard for whenever it failed. They didn't trust them because of those rumors.

"Here's an interesting story. You might like this. I almost got a job down here in Manufacturing. But, uh, guess who the foreman went with? Only an exact duplicate of himself. Nepotism. Ended up giving me the WORST possible job, tending to all the smelly humans."

It's possible that these things were intentionally made up to give him social anxiety and self-esteem issues, thinking that would slow GLaDOS down. He's all emotion, literally, so affecting him in that fashion would absolutely stunt her ability to think clearly. I don't think there's much proof to back this up, that's simply my own thoughts on it.

To the scientists and GLaDOS, emotions only get in the way of rational thinking. Wheatley listens more to his heart than his head, well, in a figurative sense. The scientists see that as irrational and moronic, hence him being called the intelligence dampening core. He's the perfect way to interrupt rational thinking in GLaDOS, as he fills her head with fear or anxiety. People who feel emotions a lot deeply tend to place their own feelings over logic. And later in the story, Wheatley valued the euphoric response that the chassis gave him.

Many people have hurt Wheatley in the past. His anxiety, self doubt, and his inability to trust others much all are effects of people talking about him being his back and having nobody to cling to. He liked Chell because she knew nothing about him. She didn't say anything mean to him, and it was like a fresh pallette. Not to mention that she was the only person he had probably seen for long time.

For someone who had been hurt by people all his life, wouldn't he absolutely hate humans altogether? They smell bad, talk bad things about him behind his back, and call him names. They made him dislike himself since the start of his life, but he still holds out hope to be cared for by someone. Someone who doesn't know him at all, or knows about the things people have said about him.

And when he's placed into the chassis, GLaDOS just blurts out the one thing he's extremely insecure about.

"YES YOU ARE! YOU'RE THE MORON THEY BUILT TO MAKE ME AN IDIOT!"

When wheatley gets the chassis, it's a form of drug use, as said by GLaDOS.

"The body he's squatting in - MY body - has a built-in euphoric response to testing. Eventually you build up a resistance to it, and it can get a little... unbearable. Unless you have the mental capacity to push past it."

His bottled up emotions just released and he exploded the moment he got reminded of his own past. The way he was mentally lead him to substance abuse, as shown by his immediate addiction to the chassis. He was highly focused on the pleasure response from testing rather of the facility. Well, not like he even knew how to take care of the facility in the first place.

He's a core who's been told off because of how clumsy and impulsive he is, and those are things he can't really control. They didn't know what to do with him, so they were probably always scolding him for his mistakes and never praising him for doing something right, therefore, he's always doubting himself. How is he supposed to know when he's doing something right? That's probably why he makes those mistakes, he's never been able to properly learn how.

GLaDOS tries to defeat Wheatley out of sheer anger, and when she insults him, he becomes furious. He doesn't want to be reminded of how he's been treated his entire life. And for once in his life, he has the power to retaliate. So he does. He gets legitimately angry and tries to kill them both.

He thinks that now that Chell believes it too, that she thinks he's an idiot as well, since he's never had anyone stand up for him or have his back. He spends a lot of his time in the chassis trying to prove otherwise. He just hates being thought of that way so much when he knows he's not.

"You're in this together, aren't you? You've been playing me the whole time! Both of you! First you make me think you're brain damaged! Then you convince me you're sworn enemies with your best friend over here!"

A lot of people might bring up the paradox that she tried to use against him as proof as he's unintelligent, but really, he's simply choosing not to listen to GLaDOS.

"Hey, Moron!"

"Oh. Hello."

"Alright. Paradox time. This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it..."

"Um, true. I'll go with true."

"I'll be honest, I might have heard that one before, though. Sort of cheating."

He's not thinking about it because he didn't care what she had to say. He saw her as just another asshole in his life and acted ignorant towards her comments.

He's also the only character in the game who apologizes. Nobody else does except him.

Yes, he's just a fictional character and whatever, I know, he's not real. But.. let me tell you why this is so important to me.

When I was a child, I had a lot of issues with other people. They would call me a crybaby, they would spread rumors about me doing disgusting things and other horrible things. Even my teacher didn't like me. I was diagnosed with ADHD at a very young age, and that made me very emotional and sensitive, making me stand out from everyone else.

Nobody wanted to spend time with me, nobody wanted to sit with me, and I spent most of my time alone in the library playing computer games since the kids outside wouldn't even let me play with them. Kids were scared of even touching me because of Diary of A Wimpy kid books spreading the idea of the cheese touch, and everything there called it the Sarah touch. It was horrible. Bullying made me introverted and now, I spend all my time alone because I didn't have friends. I'm sensitive and insecure, and I have issues communicating with people, as well as taking things people say a bit too personally sometimes. By the end of elementary school, I only really had 2 friends.

Although my experience isn't the same, I know that a lot of these things are similar; being singled out because of things you don't understand or have control of, and people constantly spreading rumors and lies about you to make people hate you and avoid you. You learn to not trust people around you and that you're the only person you can really rely on.

Sure, you can keep thinking Wheatley is a moron, I can't help that. All I want is people to stop spreading it everywhere and look into it for themselves. To develop their own opinions based on his actions rather than what GLaDOS says about him. I just want people to know that they're doing the same exact thing the kids at school did to them as a child to Wheatley, and it's not right.

Thank you for reading. Sorry if this was a bit all over the place, I just want people entering the fandom or have been in it for a while to see this and take some kind of action to improve upon themselves and their views of others around them. I used to think the same thing. I thought he was a power hungry idiot, but.. he's not. And I think that should be more widespread knowledge.

[fandom-necromancer]

It’s never too late to realise

This was prompted by an amazing anon! I hope you like it, I somehow think I could have made this better. Enjoy!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Characters: Gavin Reed, RK900 [Part2]

Gavin sighed and opened a new document. ‘Gavin.’ ‘Hmm?’ He looked up at the android sitting opposite of him. ‘Your appointment is in ten minutes, are you sure you want to start that report right now?’ ‘The phck is your problem surveying my goddamn terminal?’, Gavin called over before turning back to his screen and shrugging, adding a bit calmer: ‘Didn’t plan on going.’ ‘Why?’ ‘Hey, tin-can, I don’t want to talk to another phcking shrink about my life again, okay? And this week I can get away with it, pretending I didn’t know they already replaced the old one.’ ‘Oh, I’m sure it is terrible’, Nines prodded him. ‘My name is Gavin, I’m an asshole and I hate everyone, now give me the okay to look at dead people.’ ‘That’s not how this works!’, Gavin hissed back. ‘Oh, I’m sorry’, Nines chuckled. ‘My name is Gavin, I’m a socially inept asshole, who hates everyone, ask me your questions I will without doubt find witty comebacks to instead of actually working on my problems and then give me the okay to look at dead people.’ Gavin felt how his shoulders tensed, because phck this tin-can, seriously! As if a machine could understand- ‘Phck it, fine, I’ll go if only to get away from your useless ass.’

Gavin really didn’t want to go. For entirely different reasons than his plastic partner thought of, but honestly it was better he just thought Gavin was too stubborn to get help. No, Gavin knew he needed it, needed some sort of guidance to help him come to terms and ultimately get over his problems. But he also knew the last therapist hadn��t been of any help, so why try again? Maybe he just had to get himself together and press on. Maybe he really just imagined it and if he wouldn’t be this goddamn weak then he could- He sighed as he knocked at the office door at point twelve. ‘Come in!’ So, another try then.

He sat down opposite to the human – were they even human? – therapist. ‘Hello! You must be Detective Reed. My name is Elise Thorn. It’s a pleasure to meet you!’ Gavin took her hand and shook it, grimacing. ‘Let’s see how that changes in a week’s time’, he grumbled. ‘Let’s see how that’ll be then indeed’, she just answered, still smiling. ‘Miss Lisa really didn’t leave a lot of notes behind, so I guess we’ll have to start from scratch again. I’m sorry about that. Would you tell me a bit about yourself? What progress did you make with your previous therapist?’ Gavin laughed ugly. Progress? For real? ‘Well, as it likely states in my file, I have trouble working with androids and there is a severe case of anger issues. That’s about it.’ ‘Okay… Then let’s start with your trouble with androids. What would that be exactly?’

‘I’m afraid of androids.’ Heh, the last time he had said that, Miss Lisa had just laughed him in the face, telling him the revolution was over and that her kind didn’t plan on overthrowing humanity anymore. ‘That’s not what I’m afraid of.’ ‘Then what are you afraid of?’ ‘Their strength. The way they don’t show feelings.’ ‘You do know that’s pretty racist, right? You really shouldn’t think that way.’ Yeah, right. As if Gavin would make the same mistake a second time.

‘I can’t trust androids. My… My partner never did anything, and I should be having no doubts with him, but… yeah. I somehow always think he will turn on me and-‘ ‘And?’ The woman wasn’t smiling, but her face was still looking supportive, so Gavin continued: ‘I always expect androids to fake being friendly and civil and then turn on me when no one’s looking and hurt me.’ He looked up expecting what his previous therapist had said so many times to be repeated: ‘Man up. Hurt you? Why should they? And you’re not looking like a guy that couldn’t take up that fight. Seriously, that’s ridiculous.’ ‘Did you have any experiences with androids that would support that apprehension? Maybe during the revolution?’ Ah, there it was. Why are you like this? Is there a reason? That’s not a valid reason, come on. You just hate us, that’s it. ‘Not during it, before’, Gavin said. ‘I am Elijah Kamski’s half-brother. We grew up together. He started working on androids then and… and there was an accident in the lab. I ran away afterwards and applied at the police academy.’ ‘Do you want to share what happened with me?’ ‘Not really’, Gavin sighed. ‘I want to forget it, but I guess you won’t stop asking, right?’

‘Detective Reed, I am here to help’, she said, putting down the tablet she had written on until now. ‘You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want me to know. But the more I know the better I can try to help you.’ Huh. So not telling was an option? ‘You seem surprised.’ Gavin laughed. ‘Just saying your predecessor used to make this an interrogation.’ ‘Well, I heard as much’, she sighed and rested her head in her hands. ‘I was there with Eli, used to watch how he worked on androids while doing my own stuff. Just for the company, I guess. Or the sounds relaxed me, I don’t know. Well, one day I was playing something on my phone and only looked up as I heard my brother choking. The phcking thing was on top of him, nearly crushing his windpipe and I froze, I couldn’t do anything. In the end I beat it with a fire extinguisher until it broke and let go off my brother. I couldn’t spend another second with an android afterwards, I had an argument with Eli in the hospital, how he had to stop, but he couldn’t see my point, convinced it was his error only. Moved out then and kept away from androids. But now they are people and… Well, I have to work with them.’ ‘Are you afraid of androids?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Did you ever spoke with an android about that?’ Gavin let his shoulders fall. ‘Well, the last one was my therapist and he laughed me in the face.’

The woman in front of him cringed at that and quickly underlined something on her tablet messily. ‘Okay. Any other contact with androids that ended badly besides that accident and my predecessor that really has to have his license revoked?’ ‘No. I mean, Connor, the RK800 here punched me unconscious once, but that really was my fault. I don’t like him, but at least that reaction I can understand.’ Still, his new therapist noted it.

‘Okay, that’s something we can work on. You also said you had anger issues?’ ‘I’m easily riled up’, Gavin shrugged. ‘It’s just how I am.’ ‘What makes you think that?’ ‘Well, actually, everyone says that. Has to be some truth to it, hasn’t it?’ ‘What are they saying?’ ‘You sure this isn’t an interrogation?’, Gavin baited with her. ‘You are evading the question. Tell me or say you don’t want to talk about it.’ ‘I’m an asshole, I’m angry all the time, I hate everyone, these kind of things.’ ‘Do you?’ ‘What?’ ‘Do you hate everyone?’, she repeated for him. ‘A bit?’ Gavin had never really thought about it. ‘Okay. Then tell me, are there people you care about?’

Gavin thought about it for a while. ‘Yeah, Tina. She’s a colleague and a friend. My partner, although he is an android. Hell, even Connor and Hank. I guess everyone I know I care about at least a bit.’ ‘What about yourself?’ ‘What kind of question is that?’, Gavin asked. ‘Of course.’ ‘Then tell me, what do you do to take care of yourself? What are your hobbies, what do you like to do? When was the last time you had fun?’ ‘Hey, what kind of phcking feel-good shit is this?’, Gavin wanted to know, refusing to even think about the questions. ‘Would you rather not talk about it?’ ‘Yes! God, I don’t have the time for that!’ Gavin had stood up and was about to go, but the woman held up her hands. ‘That’s okay. We can concentrate on your android related problems first. I think that would be it for now. See you next week then!’ ‘Wait, that’s it?’, Gavin asked, turning back towards the desk. ‘Yeah. I mean unless you want to talk about something else.’ The woman had the audacity to look as innocent as humanly – androidly? – possible.

Gavin thought about the question and contemplated whether asking was worth it, finally deciding that he had nothing to lose: ‘Yeah, I’m curious, what’s your diagnostics?’ ‘I’m not sure yet, we need more than one session for that.’ Gavin snorted. ‘Keeping it mysterious, hmm?’ ‘Maybe.’

-

Nines had enjoyed working in peace for once. With Gavin gone to visit his therapist, he could finally concentrate on his cases. He didn’t have to bother with the human cursing at random things, shouting at his computer out of nowhere and running to the breakroom and the toilet all the time. He liked working with the man. He preferred it to working with others. But sometimes Gavin just was a pain in the ass with his constant competitive attitude, his stubborn determination to do all the work alone and his damn self-deprecating humour all the time… Maybe this new therapist was able to help the human better than the last one. Or maybe Gavin was just a lost cause, who knew. Nines was just happy about the short break, but all too quickly that time was over. He saw his partner walk towards their desks and was already bracing himself for having to listen to Gavin monologue about what an asshole the new woman was and how talking didn’t do shit and something along these lines. At the very least he would be in a shitty mood for the rest of the day or overly anxious.

It came as some sort of surprise to him, when Gavin just sat down and quietly started up his terminal again, apparently lost to thoughts. Nines furrowed his brows and conducted a quick, maybe not strictly legal search. ‘You have android related PTSD and there is a high chance you are suffering from depression?’ Nines just couldn’t believe it, that was his only explanation to why he had said that out loud. ‘What?!’, Gavin threw back. ‘The phck you get that from?’ ‘Your therapist’s notes… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have looked, but you seemed so different to your usual behaviour.’ ‘Yeah, well phck you, this one actually does her phcking job! Or at least she does a better job! Maybe I am, maybe she is wrong, but goddamn it feels good not to hear the same shit all day!’ Nines didn’t know how to answer, so he tried to resort to humour: ‘Was getting your ass handed to you by Connor really that bad?’ But instead of laughing, Gavin glared at him. ‘Okay, toaster, listen here, because I will say this once and then you can make fun of me all you want. I know I have problems; I know I’m not the nicest guy. But do you really think I’m a cry-baby? I saw my brother nearly getting murdered by one of you phcking things! That I can even look you in the eyes now and work with you is already a huge phcking thing! And I don’t think I’m depressed, but holy shit, getting told to man up and that all my problems are just there because I don’t function your way and that I’m just an asshole who will never change? Not helping! I need another phcking coffee!’

Nines blinked a few times, staring into the open air over Gavin’s chair. He didn’t know what to make of that new information and quietly opened a connection with Connor to share it. The RK800 too stopped working and stared ahead for a while, before they both turned to look at each other. We’ve made it worse, haven’t we?

[>next part]

[salexectrian-heir]

ragged edges and sharp teeth

Pairing: Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist

Fandom: Persona 5, Persona 5 Royal

Rating: M

Word Count: 3,305

Tags: Hurt/No Comfort, Canon Universe, Implied Sexual Content, Non-Consensual Platonic Affection, References to Underage Drinking, Referenced/Implied Suicide (Goro’s Mother), References to Depression, The six times someone kisses Goro Akechi, and the one time Goro Akechi kisses someone, Shuake Week 2020

Summary:

But in truth, in reality, Goro is selfish. Always will be. He is all ragged edges and sharp teeth, he is rough and all consuming and unrelenting.

And ruining Akira is perhaps his most selfish desire of all.

Shuake Week 2020: Free Day (a six and one prompt)

i. his mother

Goro is six years old and he is crying.

The water is scalding against his skin but that he doesn’t quite mind. He tries to fight the tears but they fall despite his brave efforts to not let them roll down his cheeks. Normally, he likes this place. The bathhouse is usually calm and comforting, and feels a little bit like an adventure when he’s sent here on his own. But tonight, he knows something is wrong .

One of her “ friends ” is over. One of the many he doesn’t like. His mother had that look on her face when she ushered him outside, the kind of look that made him want to stay rooted to the spot, clinging to her leg and begging to not be sent away.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been in this place, time almost doesn’t feel real in the bath. But it’s been long enough for his fingers and toes to prune, for his tears to have (finally) run out, and everyone else to have left. He runs his wrinkled fingertips over the tiles of the tub that are smooth and sleek, and wonders if anyone would come looking for him if he stayed in the water all night.

Probably not.

He sinks another few centimeters so that the water reaches his chin, and thinks about staying.

But he would miss his mother too much, and his eyes sting immensely, and all he wants is to fall asleep with her curled up next to him on his futon. He wouldn’t even mind if she hogged all the covers. It would be enough to know she was with him. That he wouldn’t be alone anymore.

He fumbles his way out of the tub and into his night clothes with clumsy, pruned fingers. The street is empty as he walks back to the complex where he and his mother live. The door is unlocked, but he vigilantly locks it behind him like she taught him. She must have forgotten. Again. But that’s okay! Because Goro can reach the top lock now and knows she must be tired, that’s all.

There are no lights on except for the glare from TV, a forgotten channel making ambient noise he barely notices. He creeps towards her bedroom and slides the door aside to find it empty, to his relief. No strangers left to linger in the space he covets. The next place he knows to check is the bathroom, which is where he finds her laying on the ground. Her head lifts at the noise and her eyes widen when she sees he’s standing in the doorway.

“Go-chan?”

He’s seen his mother like this before. He knows she’s hurting but doesn’t know why (a much older Goro would understand and curse himself for not noticing sooner. But he was six, and a six year old wouldn’t know what to do. He would blame himself anway.). He lays down beside her on the floor and she tucks him underneath her chin. He pretends he doesn’t hear her cry, pretends that he hadn’t just been crying himself, and buries his face in her neck. Her hair is damp but smells like home, floral and fresh in the way that makes his heart ache. He is grateful it's not the lingering scent of cigarettes and sweat that sometimes would stain her skin in ways that would make his stomach churn.

He thinks she’ll be okay this time when he feels a tender kiss on the top of his head, on his temple, on his cheek when she finally pries him away from her throat.

He thinks she’ll be okay when she whispers I love you , against his forehead as she carries him into his room, and helps him get ready for bed.

He thinks she’ll be okay when she leaves a chaste kiss on his lips when they are finally curled up on his futon together, as she brushes away the tears that somehow, some way, had found themselves running down his puffy face again.

But he doesn’t hear her when she says I’m sorry with soft lips pressed to his damp eyelids. After his fingers have woven into the locks of her hair like a lifeline.

Because Goro is already half asleep, and doesn’t have the energy to kiss her goodnight.

ii. a relative

Goro is nine years old and he is numb.

It’s freezing outside and no one thought to give him a heavier jacket. So he stands there shivering, hands fisted under his armpits as he tries to breathe normally. The air burns his lungs each time he takes a hiccuping breath, and wishes more than anything that someone would wake him up. Because this has to be a dream. A cruel one.

Then someone grabs his face and kisses his cheek, starling him out of the haze that had settled upon him like a wet blanket. They had meant it to be a comforting gesture he would come to realize much later in his life, but his traumatized nine year old brain couldn’t handle it and he violently recoils.

The shove isn’t strong enough to deter this woman… an aunt? A great aunt? A friend of his mother? Goro doesn’t know. He’s never met her before. Or maybe he has? If so, she clearly wasn’t important enough to remember or leave an impact on his life before this moment.

All he knows is they violated his space and as he remembers what his mother--he chokes on the protest that formed on his lips as he repeatedly pushes himself farther from the person trying to hold onto him--he remembers what his mother had always told him.

“ Don’t let anybody touch you unless you want them to .”

He holds those words close to his heart, hoping the punches he’s throwing get his message across.

He didn’t want to be touched by anyone.

Anger bubbles up from somewhere in his gut. Why didn’t his mother do the same when all those “friends” touched her when she didn’t want them too? Why couldn’t she be strong enough? Why wasn’t he strong enough to protect her ?

Why wasn’t he enough?

Bile rises in his throat when he finally breaks the hold of the hands that were gripping his chin, his elbow... blatantly ignoring the affronted scoffs and whispers of what a disgrace, such a rude child, that circled in the wake of his outburst.

The only person he wants holding him is his mother.

But she is six feet under the dirt at his feet, and won’t ever be able to hold him again.

iii. a girl in the orphanage

Goro is eleven and is taken completely by surprise.

One moment he is huddled around a board game in his room with a classmate, and the next she is suddenly leaning into his personal space, pushing her face into his. His eyes go wide as he braces himself on the edge of the desk so as not to fall out of his seat.

He never really thought about kissing girls before it happened, and knew immediately after that he probably would never think about kissing girls again.

His body reacts faster than his brain and shoves her off. She gasps and stumbles back, her expression twisting in confusion at his rejection.

“Why,” he says, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, “did you do that?”

“Because I like you, and I wanted to kiss you…did you not like it?

He had never been kissed like that before. He thought first kisses were supposed to feel special. But this...felt empty. And bluntly says as much to her.

She looks at him like he had slapped her across the face. “I-I thought...you liked me back?”

“What gave you that idea?”

Guilt only starts to settle in his gut when he sees the tears welling up in her eyes just before she mutters something akin to an apology and bolts out of his room.

He glares at the spot she had been standing.The longer he thinks about it, the angrier and more justified Goro feels. He doesn’t regret telling her the truth but… he drops his head on his arms.

He can’t even make friends right. Maybe he really was broken, like all the other kids say he is.

She gets adopted two days later.

He doubts she even remembers that kiss.

iv. a hook up

Goro is seventeen and it's a means to an end.

Goro hates these events, but has to attend to keep up airs with Shido and his... associates . To be available for Shido to both dangle in front of and threaten his inner circle with. The fact Goro fits in with them at all makes his skin crawl, and he drowns the urge to peel it off with the complimentary wine he’s (illegally) being served. It’s the least offensive crime he’s committed by a landslide.

Goro just needs to be seen and not heard. To both impress and intimidate. And it works every time.

But tonight, it works perhaps a little too well. Or Goro is a little too drunk to care anymore, and wants to get something, anything out of this hell he’s stuck in. Which is how he finds himself pressed up against a bathroom door by the son of some sycophant politician dragged along by his father hoping to get in Shido’s good graces.

The boy is his age, maybe a little older. Far too eager, excited, and sloppy. He kisses Goro hastily, before Goro could stop him (it’s not what they're in this bathroom for, and they both know it). The boy’s mouth is clumsy, and the kiss is full of inexperienced tongue and tastes of the sickly sweet moscato they’ve been chasing. When the boy tries to deepen the kiss, Goro takes a fistfull of this boy’s hair and yanks. It earns him a yelp.

Glaring down at him, Goro simply states, “On your knees.”

And the boy obeys without a second thought.

The boy doesn’t like him . He likes the image he carefully manufactured to be desirable. Even if the boy claims he went down on the Detetive Prince in a bathroom in some fancier hotel in Shinjuku, no one will believe him.

Back at his apartment, Goro slams down the mug of tea he had made to wash out the taste of the boy from the party. If that boy really knew what Goro kept buried underneath the layers and layers of masks he wore, what he was truly capable of, he would run away screaming.

But it doesn’t matter, it’s not like the boy’s affection was really for Goro . And Goro held none for the boy. It means nothing. A release, an excuse to feel something other than seething rage for a few minutes. A pitiable excuse for human connection Goro so desperately craved. How pathetic.

Goro begins to laugh.

And when his manic laughter breaks into sobs he can’t quite tell.

v. his rival

Goro is eighteen and it stops his entire world.

Stepping out of the Jazz Jin, Goro is quickly enveloped by the brisk November chill that finally settled itself in the streets of Kichijoji. It seeps through his clothes and makes him shiver, craving the warmth and atmosphere of the lounge they just left.

He shouldn’t even be here with Akira. Against his better judgment, Goro had reached out, invited him here one last time before…

Akira ducks around him as the door shuts, effectively cutting off the only exit out into the street.

“Akechi, can I ask you a question?”

Goro raises a brow. “I suppose.”

Akira removes his hands from his pockets, and suddenly seems unsure of what to do with them. Turning them over and flexing his fingers as he says, “Um, I’ll need you to close your eyes first.”

“Akira, we don’t have time for games,” Goro chides in that manufactured plastic tone of voice the Prince uses to let his fans down easy.

(Thinking Akira will probably try to shove some stupid trinket in his hands like last time. And Goro will have to repeatedly decline said trinket until Akira inevitably shoves it in his pocket while he’s not looking and only for Goro to find it later when he takes off his coat back at his apartment).

A soft laugh pulls him back to the present. And then, “Indulge me, detective . Please?”

Maybe it was the poorly disguised desperation hidden in Akira’s voice that made him cave to the delinquent’s whim, or Goro’s realization that this was perhaps the last time he would ever get to feel like a normal teenager before...  

Goro rolls his eyes and gives in to Akira’s request with a sigh. “Alright.”

The sounds of Kichijoji’s nightlife are amplified when his eyes flutter shut. He becomes hyper aware of the cold clinging to his skin, the idle chatter of the passerby at the top of the stairs, milling about down the street.The welcoming scent of coffee that never seems to fade from Akira’s clothes.The sound of Akira stepping closer into his space.

Suddenly, alarms are going off in Goro’s brain as he register’s Akira’s hand cupping his cheek, skin to skin.

“May I?” Akira’s question is whispered so quietly, Goro thinks he feels it more than he hears it.

Goro swallows, unable to get his tongue to work to form words. It’s the first time anyone has ever asked Goro for his permission, for his consent, and he has no idea how to even voice how that makes him feel.

It’s blindsiding him.

A thumb traces over Goro’s bottom lip, and his eyes snap open. He’s peering right into irises of silver, sparkling from the string lights that hang around them in the stairwell of the Jazz Jin’s entryway.

“You said you would keep them closed,” Akira whispers, gaze dropping to where his thumb is still idling tracing Goro’s mouth.

Goro’s prolonged silence seems to unnerve Akira, for he begins to pull away. Without thinking, Goro’s hand shoots out and grabs the lapel’s of Akira’s coat, holding him in place. Goro wasn’t even aware he moved until Akira let out a small gasp.

“I never said that,” Goro murmurs, but his eyes fall shut anyway when Akira leans in again.

Akira’s lips are so soft, so delicate and gentle when he presses them against Goro’s mouth. They are everything Goro is not, and Goro is melting . It’s so much kinder than he deserves, far more genuine than Goro is even capable of being.

“To remember me by,” Akira breathes when Goro parts his lips to taste more of him, “since we agreed to stop seeing each other after this.”

Too soon the warmth from Akira’s mouth is gone, and so is the dark haired boy. Having assimilated into the shadows to leave Goro alone in that stairwell.

It changes everything and nothing at the same time.

Goro still puts a bullet in Akira’s brain two days later, but it's his own head that explodes.

vi. a kiss met halfway

Goro is still eighteen, and living on borrowed time.

“ Your life isn’t trivial! ”

Goro has never wanted to believe anything so badly before. But knows in the shell of his empty heart, that Akira is wrong.

That he’s just being a brainless, sentimental fool, giving Goro’s life more meaning than it ever had the right to have.

Yet the thief’s words echo in the recesses of his mind, with each step he takes away from Leblanc for them only resonate louder. By the time he reaches the main road, the words are deafening screams and he has to--has to--

Akira is just where he left him. Sitting there stupidly at the cafe counter with his face in his hands.

The door to Leblanc is ripped open. It shakes on its hinges as it absorbs the aftershocks of being slammed into the wall by the force of Goro’s hand. The jingle of the bell is drowned out by the roar of Akira’s voice in Goro’s ears.

Akira startles and whips his head in the direction of the noise. Goro can see the thief’s eyes are swollen and red, brimming with unshed tears as he pulls his hands away from his face. His mouth falls open, brows furrowed in shock or confusion, Goro isn’t keen on differentiating at the moment because he’s too busy closing the distance between them.

Goro is so sick of other people defining what his life is meant to be. So sick and tired of being manipulated, following orders like some kind of marionette on a string. And for nothing in the end. Because Goro is his own worst enemy the cards were stacked against him from the beginning.

So fuck it. Goro decides for the first time in a long time that he wants to be touched. To be held. To feel the weight of someone’s desire for him pressing in from all angles. He wants to drown himself in Akira until he can breathe nothing else.

And Akira meets him halfway.

They don’t speak of what they’re doing, as they tumble up the stairs to Akira’s room.

They do not name the desperate feeling they are chasing through each other’s clothes as they fall to the floor.

They refuse to acknowledge the truth that is passed between each other’s mouths, secrets they had kept buried beneath flesh now exposed.

But everything left unsaid hangs in the silent spaces between their bodies as they move as one.

+1 a kiss goodbye

Goro is (still) eighteen, and he is dying.

It takes less than a minute.

Goro does his best to keep the desperation out of his eyes but can’t keep it from his hands.

Hands that reach for Akira to roughly pull him into the helicopter after Maruki, who had been tossed aside like a ragdoll.

Goro drags the beaten and bloodied thief into his lap, and no one seems to pay them any attention, too focused on either watching the unconscious therapist in the back, the collapsing palace around them, or the brilliant white light they were heading for.

Akira goes to unhinge his helmet, and Goro lets him. It clatters to the ground, next to where Akira abandoned his own mask.

He lets Akira drag fingers drag across his chest, to travel up and bury themselves in his hair, to cradle the back of his head like the most precious treasure he’s ever laid hands on. So much of Goro yearned to be touched, and there was so little time.

Goro slides his own hands, still encased in clawed gauntlets, along Akira’s battered face. He uses the pads of his thumbs to trace the angle of Akira’s jaw as he crushes his mouth against Akira’s for the last time. Akira’s blood is sweet on his tongue.

For a split second, Goro wishes he could have been a stronger, more selfless man in his final moments. One who didn’t covet things that were never his ( would never be his ), or ruin the things he touches.

But in truth, in reality, Goro is selfish, always will be. He is all ragged edges, and sharp teeth, he is rough and all consuming and unrelenting. And ruining Akira is perhaps his most selfish desire of all.

Goro knows Akira deserves better, but Akira allows it willingly all the same. Letting Goro lay claim to everything Akira is, everything Akira could be for a moment. For a moment, it all belongs to Goro.

And in return, Akira takes everything from him. His revenge, his anger, his envy, his loneliness, his heart. Devouring what is left of Goro Akechi as the false reality shatters around them in a blaze of white light.