#sometimes id like to think he can happy after the book just coping in a healthier way at peace with some part of himself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yyxgin · 3 years ago

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no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!!

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!!

ily <333

#💌ask #🌻 anon

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jujywrites · 4 years ago

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Always Falling Down, part I

This was part of a rarepair gift exchange. mricj and I got matched because sometimes u CAN manifest what u want for urself~~~

This is Rosawatts for sure, but also very poly, very id-ficcy and very long (just under 7k....). with a small part 2 pending because WE BUILT THIS SHIP WE SAIL IT HOWEVER WE WANT oh and a playlist (click plz~)

PS: the plotbunny emerged from "i thought you (loved me)" by livj707. One of my top 10 TTM fics and the rest of them are in there too!

AO3

FF.net

or keep reading

(Part II here)

~~~~~

~We hold on to the good times and the right now and the long nights~

Can you hear when I say "I have never felt this way"? (I can't see you and me and her without each other)

Roxie

You were 8 or 9 when you realized that you responded to people’s emotions in an unusual way. Your mom’s anger made you feel like there was a small fire in your belly, no matter the amount or what the anger was directed at. Her joy when hummingbirds visited the garden you both made to attract them made you feel invincible. When she felt sad, everything looked gray.

So what, you thought. She was your mother; of course you’d be attuned to her mood. The same with the rest of your family. But there was a slight wrinkle in that logic— you sensed the emotions of your friends at school, and that affected you similarly, if with less intensity.

Soon after realizing that, though, came the realization that even friends of friends, even complete strangers, had emotional signals that you picked up without trying. You brought this up with one of your dad’s sisters (one of your favorite family members, were you ever pressed to admit it), because you couldn’t quite stomach having your mom worry about you. You were pretty sure what happened to you wasn’t normal.

Your aunt introduced you to the term empath, said her wife had the same ability that you did. She taught you ways to handle the side effects (as she put it), how to channel and control it, to some extent. Even with this, though, things got more complicated as you grew older. People’s emotions got louder.

The maelstrom this caused in you was nigh unbearable and (luckily?) manifested itself as stereotypical moody teenage behavior, when you weren’t wrestling with the attendant physical ailments. That led you to what’s turned out to be a lifelong interest in astronomy and stargazing. Or more accurately, it increased your at-the-time budding interest exponentially. Others’ emotions couldn’t sink their hooks into you, not when your mind was buried in a book or when you were alone outside on a clear warm night. Stargazing served as meditation, too, and slowly you gained a better grasp on this whole empath thing.

That was how you met Neil. He lived in another school district; somehow both of you claimed a little park in town as a prime stargazing spot. He said his gramps took him gazing every summer, and Neil found he wanted to do it more often than that. You didn’t know much about him besides that and some shows and video games he was into, but that was hardly a deterrent to your talking a blue streak in the rare times when both of you were done watching the sky. You talked about your hobbies, how school went, how your little brother was doing, what music you were obsessing over. You told him everything except your biggest secret, and even though he didn’t always acknowledge it all, you could feel he took it all in. He was the first person who had ever done that.

Then he moved away with hardly a goodbye, and that was that. You remember feeling hurt and sad for longer than a day, maybe a week or two, but time has worn away the memories of how you felt. College, of course, was the next big chapter in your life, when your present-day reputation for being bubbly and carefree developed. That had always been with you; college life simply made you turn it up to eleven, a coping mechanism of sorts in navigating the world as an empath.

Strange how the peace you found back then has led you right back to that feelings maelstrom, into the difficulty of parsing what belongs to you and what doesn’t.

You didn’t see Neil until you got to SigCorp, at which point all the moments he was in your periphery during training slapped you across the face, along with hazy childhood memories.

“You’re Roxie, right?”

And all the years without him collapsed together. Maybe you didn’t see much of each other, but your friendship still easily restarted, helped along by your shared sphere of work.

You’d say he’s your best friend, if you were asked.

Meeting Eva was a different kind of slap.

You could count the number of crushes you had on one hand, your relationships on six fingers. You hadn’t felt love yet.

You fell fast and hard for Eva. Then you got back up, and cut that off quicker than breathing, because no way would someone as cool, collected and straight-laced as her would ever be interested in you. (Plus, you had no idea if she was queer and that’s not something to ask someone you just met.)

And then there was Neil.

The two of them had capital-h History, obvious from the moment you saw them together. If anyone knew how much time you spend thinking about your friends’ relationship, the effort you put into trying to push them together, how much time recently you’ve invested in worry (especially over Eva, but Neil too) you’d get therapist recommendations at the very least—

It’s not just wishful thinking. Your empathy gives you a sixth sense as to which people are meant for each other, and/or are dealing with feelings towards each other (which also gave you a leg up in office gossip). And Neil and Eva fit so well; that’s why they were paired together, why you convinced Rob they should be a team, despite how much you liked working with her. Not that he needed convincing. That’s how obvious their compatibility was. And yes, this was despite their bickering (and Neil’s pranks on his partner).

What drew you to Rob, as a colleague and as a person, and helped you decide to permanently partner with him, is how quiet his emotions are. He’s hardly unfeeling, despite what others (like Neil) might say. No, it’s just that his emotions are blissfully subtle. Sometimes when you feel them flare up it’s like a gift.

His emotions toward you aren’t subtle, not these days. And sometimes you feel terrible for relying on him as much as you do. But that’s another thing.

Eva

The cases that go wrong from the beginning are always easier on you than the ones that go wrong when you’re so close to closing them out. Talking to loved ones afterwards is the common denominator, the same intensity of pain no matter what went wrong when. But you’ve grown used to that pain, used to letting it glance off your skin because this is your job, and perfection is impossible.

You thought you had, anyway. The case you failed barely twenty minutes ago, the one from which you’re walking to the car with Neil now, found a chink in your armor. A stupid rookie-level mistake that both of you believed you’d fixed came back to bite you; you almost didn’t log out of the machine before your client flatlined. You owned up to it, the client’s brother took a swing at Neil and tried at you, and the only reason you’re both out of there alive is the brother’s wife calming him down.

There’s still paperwork to finish. You did the bare minimum before getting the hell away from that place. And Neil has one whopper of a black eye that he’s too bullheaded to do anything about, because he had a spare pair of glasses and that makes everything just fine.

In the car, the practically-visible wall between you and Neil is even more unbearable given the post-case mood, and it makes you feel sick. This is far from the first case you’ve failed, with or without him. Hell, it’s not even the first case involving bodily harm directed at either of you. It still feels like the last straw. But you’re not going to quit, you tell yourself. Someone has to keep fighting.

Neil may have stopped trying, but there’s nothing stopping you from fighting enough for you both.

Robert

For the most part, you’re an analytical person. You’re able to compartmentalize your thoughts from your emotions, and often able to see past others' emotions to what might be eliciting them. And that’s why your work at Sigmund fits you so well, why you chose memory traversal over being a tech, as much as machines in general and Sigmund’s in specific interest you.

Your personality and Roxie’s make you an excellent team. Even though her default mode is happy-go-lucky, you’ve been partners long enough to know that she’s the kind of person who can feel everything, all at once, and weather it. That talent must have always been there, under the surface; it’s probably what drew you to her in the first place.

Being able to compartmentalize, however, only gets you so far. You’re hardly immune to base emotions, yours or others’. You get frustrated when you know something is wrong, someone’s having a problem, and that your clear-headed distance from the situation isn’t helping fix it.

Watts and Rosalene, one of your best teams, one of the best you’ve ever seen since you joined Sigmund, have been backsliding for some time. Their ratio of completed cases to failed ones is still good (and they’ve had some brilliant successes), but their previous case was a failure and the mood leading up to their next one is not promising, to say the least. They’ve had innumerable rough patches, no question, but even you can tell there’s a good bit of the personal getting muddled with the professional in this patch. You’re in the unenviable position of having to monitor them, getting closer to explaining to the higher-ups why they are still viable.

Viable. What a cold word. Makes you clammy to think of it in reference to your colleagues. Your almost-friends. It’s... bothersome, to see them fracturing, or whatever less-ominous thing might be happening.

On top of that, there’s something off about Roxie. A dimming of her natural light. The only other time that’s happened is when her brother got sick; he’d been in dire straits before he recovered, and the recovery had been hard.

You know this because Roxie told you. You seem to be good at listening. If only you weren’t abysmal at asking. Not that Watts— Neil— would divulge anything, and Rosalene— Eva— seems even less likely to.

You’d ask Roxie but with her, you’re terrified of not knowing what to say.

Neil

You could’ve decked that guy. Definitely could have. For once it isn’t braggadocio— the things he said about you and Eva made you see red. He telegraphed really badly too, so you could sidestep him (he was like two feet taller than you and you aren’t a total idiot), but taking a swing at Eva?! Good thing the guy’s wife stepped in or things would’ve gotten even more fucked. Because of you and for you.

Of course, with the adrenaline gone, your mutual antisocial...ness, toward each other (what? You can’t word when you’re tired) rushes in to fill the vacuum. It’s frigid out too, which is great. And your face kind of—

“Ah, fuck me,” you mutter as your piece-of-crap company car decides to break down in the middle of an empty road.

Eva sighs epically. Her breath clouds. “Shit.”

Ha, she legit swore.

Your momentary amusement is bulldozed by the inconvenient need to talk. The second you’re alone alone with her, in lulls before or after cases, in downtime at the office, the words bubble up in your throat, more insistent every time. And every time you try to open your mouth, they disappear. It’s been like this for weeks, ever since The Incident.

She found the not-from-Sigmund company letter. She found the (other) pills. Unlocked door or not, you haven’t forgiven her for the breach of privacy. She hasn’t forgiven you for keeping (those kinds of) secrets from her. And here you are now.

You don’t know how much more you can take.

Eva speaks before you can get your voice working. “I’m calling Roxie.”

“How?” Flipping open your phone, you glare at it. “No reception out here.”

“We passed a payphone on the way here. Shouldn’t be more than a 5 minute walk.”

You just gape at her while she bundles up in her scarf and hood. “It’s minus fifty!”

Her eyes meet yours for half a second. “Don’t exaggerate, Neil. Not tonight.”

And, predictably useless, you watch her get out of the car and start walking, snowflakes shining around her in the dimming headlights.

Roxie

One of the things about being an empath is, it’s easier to tell when someone’s romantically interested in you. (Too bad there’s no one-night-stand-interest sensor.) That feeling has a certain color to it, distinguishing it from friendship or dislike. And it’s the reason why you haven’t dated much. Every time you’ve felt it, it’s been like a flipped switch, a lightning bolt, leaving you unprepared and uncomfortable every time. Sometimes it’s been because you don’t return their feelings, sometimes because you need a few days to adjust to the idea. Even with one of the ones you liked back (a post-college roommate, because you may be an empath but that doesn’t exempt you from so-called clichés), it petered out eventually when you didn’t fit together anymore.

With Rob, it’s different. So subtle you don’t realize right away. And so soft it’s easy to lean into and pretend you don’t quite know how he feels, keep your already intimate friendship separate from that other kind of intimacy.

You like him. Want to like him as more than a friend, the way he likes you. If you could only let go of your ridiculous double crush.

There’s only so much room a heart should have, anyway.

Eva

The incongruity of using payphones hits whenever you have to use one, which thankfully is extremely rare. You’ve learned the hard way to keep a small stash of quarters within easy reach on cases, whether they’re located in the boonies or not. Even with gloves on, your hands are so cold that there’s a lot of fumbling involved in getting them into the machine, more fumbling while you pull up Roxie’s contact info on your phone. Not that you need to; you’ve got it memorized. She’s picked you up more than once.

It hits you square between the eyes this time, so you can’t ignore it: Roxie’s been like emotional glue, from back when you were a greenhorn changing partners every couple of weeks to now. She was the constant for you back then, and then became your tech specialist for a hefty amount of cases until you got paired with Neil. She’s patched things up several times when you wanted to strangle him, by talking you down, or being a mediator, or just listening to you rant. And since tonight is turning into one giant negative thought spiral, you get stuck on how much emotional support you’ve taken from her without giving anything back, alike or different. After this, well, you have to come up with something. A restaurant gift card? Ice cream from that new place down the road from yours? Why is food the only thing you can think of? True, food has meaning, but you sh—

“Hello?”

“Roxie. It’s me. Eva.”

“Hey! What’s up?”

“Hope I didn’t wake you,” you say on automatic. Nope, she’s probably—

“Nah, binging a few Shadow Junction episodes before hitting the hay,” she replies with a giggle.

Over this line, the brief silence is crackly. “I need a favor. Our car died on us…”

“Oh my god wait, you just finished a case!” There’s some scuffling and a small thump; when she speaks again her voice is closer. She must have taken you off speaker. “Where are you? I’ll pick you up ASAP.”

You give her a handful of landmarks, the compass direction. With the dark, the gathering snow, your barely-held-back exhaustion, you're starting to think you might be back in the simulation.

Your hands hurt. At least they still have feeling.

“There’s a storm coming, isn't there? Are you okay?”

“Tired. Cold. But, yeah, okay.”

“Hey, Eva?” Hearing your name wakes you up a little; the weight in Roxie’s tone wakes you up more. “I’ll call a tow for you on the way, but do me a favor and don’t hang up.”

“Sure,” you whisper.

She chatters about the latest plot developments on Shadow Junction for a few minutes; you feel like you're absorbing some of the energy in her voice. Then she says, “I’m getting on the highway now,” and then she says, slightly more subdued, “Do you want to tell me about your case?”

Nope. “It went badly, that’s all.”

More crackly silence. Then: “I know I’m repeating myself, Eva, but… are you okay?”

I’m fine.

I’ll be fine when I’m back home.

I’m used to this. It’s fine.

You say, “I think I’m losing Neil.”

The metal of the phone booth bites into your hand even through the glove. “I… found some things I shouldn’t have.” Roxie can keep secrets, contrary to her reputation. This one shouldn’t be her burden, and so you don’t share what you found. “He’s been conflicted about what we do for a while. I think he might be trying to leave Sigmund. And that’s his prerogative, but I just—”

You trained together, joined Sigmund together, starting planning to join Sigmund together. It’s been an enormous part of both your lives, and now you’ve been a team almost as long as your dream to be a part of this company existed. If Neil walks away, what will you have left?

Roxie. Robert. The McMillans. Eddie, Lisa, Logan. You won’t be alone, and you still have your purpose to guide you. But...

You were so certain you’d see that purpose through with Neil at your side, you don’t see how it would possibly be the same. How you could be the same. Sure puts a dent in your faith that you’re your own person.

You can’t simply ask him to stay. Some small irrational part of your brain thinks bringing up the subject at all will make it come to pass. And those pills. If he does leave, if Sigmund is part of his will too, what if—

You wipe at your wet cheeks and nose. “He’s my partner. I need to fix this, and I don’t— I don’t fucking know how.”

Your voice doesn’t sound nearly as broken as you feel.

Robert

It’s another night of Roxie on your couch, eating takeout from your favorite place and watching a movie together. Neither of you have defined your relationship. You’re fine with that, and you think she is too. And yet...

“Roxanne, I—” You love her, have for a long time now. But you’ve seen how she looks at Eva, and at Neil, and you know she doesn’t have room for you right now, don’t know if she ever will.

You had a chance. You realized your feelings for her well before she fell in love with them (or at least before she began to show signs). The obstacles were too many: she’s half your age, you work together but are sort-of kind-of boss and subordinate. All true. All excuses, too, because you weren’t brave (stupid) enough to take that chance.

But she’s come to you for comfort, and you aren’t an asshole; you won’t deny her that because she has a different measure of your relationship. You love her. You would care for her even without that.

Then she kisses you, and she says, “I’m sorry,” and curls up against you.

Roxie

You’re making a mistake, and you don’t care.

You needed that kiss. It soothed these pangs, this hollowness that’s grown over the past few weeks from whatever is going on between Eva and Neil. And the way Rob’s emotions have started to swirl feels dangerous. Addictive. You want more of that, the power to make his emotions dance with one touch.

It’s getting harder to ignore the voice calling you an awful person.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble into his chest. “I know, in every rule book ever made, that I’m leading you on. But I’m not trying to! I’m so sorry. I…” You swallow, sudden clarity hurting your throat. “I think I want to be with you. But, Neil and Eva…”

Saying their names brings fog back over you, reddened by wine. “I can’t explain it,” you whisper, arms around his shoulders. “I can’t... decide.”

You can’t give Rob what he deserves, what you finally know you want to give him, if you can’t make your mind up.

“We’ll figure it out.”

Despite the uncertainty you can practically taste, it feels like a promise. He holds you tighter, and you let yourself sink into him.

Neil

You’re tired, exhausted, and that makes your brain go all overdramatic, but even with that you’re pretty sure this is the shittiest night of your life. You can’t talk to Eva, and she won’t talk to you, and now you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere trying not to freeze to death, watching her freeze to death while she waits for Roxie to rescue both of you from freezing to death. The least you could do is stand by Eva and suffer with her. Then again, maybe she’d rather turn into an Evasicle in peace right now.

You resent how much this case haunts you. You resent even more your inability to walk away from Sigmund and from Eva. They wouldn’t care, but she (probably) would. Does. You wish that didn’t matter so much to you. It shouldn’t anymore, after what she did. The one time you don’t lock your office door. Like a goddamn house of cards. If she’d told you right after instead of sitting on it for a few days, making you wonder what the hell was wrong with her…

You’re such a hypocrite, with all the secrets you’ve kept and keep.

Everything feels gray. Heavy. Tunnel vision, maybe, from the cold and your lack of sleep. Stepping out into the wind chill would probably help you stay awake at this point, except you’re not so far gone as to actually follow through on that.

Eva’s left the phone booth and is standing in the snow, hood blown off from the wind, and she’s too bullheaded to pull it back up. You stare at her hair streaming out, your eyes grow blurry from snowflakes, and your thoughts drift back to distant nights spent with a talkative girl who shared your love of stars.

Roxie

You’re up late at home, watching the Shadow Junction episodes in your queue, when Eva calls you, voice tinny over a payphone. You can’t sense emotions tangibly without being in person, but her and Neil’s voices have a similar effect on you regardless, by now.

You talk with her until you’re on the road.

Something’s wrong besides their dead car, and Eva reveals the tip of the iceberg. You’re relieved. Your instinct hasn’t yet devolved into paranoia.

“He’s my partner. I need to fix this, and I don’t— I don’t fucking know how.”

The turnoff to where they are is coming up. “I can’t imagine how that must feel,” you say into your head mic. A white (gray?) lie. Her pain is making it hard for you to breathe. “But I’m getting you back to the office, and we’ll go from there. One step at a time. Okay?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

You call the tow place as soon as you end her call. After that, things blur together until your car meets theirs.

The snow hasn’t stuck; it’s the light, fluffy kind that would be nice in another time and place. You can see Eva and Neil hunkered down in their seats.

You can’t get out of your car fast enough.

Eva’s first to get out once you reach them. She hugs you, and, yeah, you could probably die happy now. You’re such a mess.

“Thank god for you, Rox. Seriously.”

You’re such a mess. Neil’s relief nearly makes your knees crumple with its warmth, but there are... layers to it. Those layers and the ever-present knot of worry in your stomach keep you alert. Besides, it’s not (won’t ever be) the time or place to let them know everything you’re feeling. So you smile past your shivers and wave off his comment. “No problem. Of course I’ll bail you guys out of this weather!” Then you force your offer of a ride back out of lungs tightened with the fear that they’ll know what lies behind it. “Brought you some cider. Blankets too. To thaw you out for the paperwork, y’know.”

They accept. Of course they do; they don’t have a choice. If either of them suspect anything they aren’t showing it and dear god you are so overthinking this. “Tow truck should be here any minute, if you don’t mind waiting a bit longer.”

“You have heat in your car. That’s all I care about,” says Neil, and Eva says, “A few minutes more doesn’t matter.”

Then she puts her hand on his elbow as they walk the short way to your car, and all your stupid mushy probably-touch-starved brain can think is, there’s hope.

They settle in the back instead of splitting up over the passenger seat, and dumb hope unfurls further in your chest. You waste no time in unfolding blankets and handing them each a thermos. Eva acknowledges with a grateful smile, and you pretend not to notice how Neil flinches when you drape the blanket over him. You ignore the flashing burn when your hands meet their bodies, ignore how fast your heart is beating.

You have a plan, even though it’s a selfish one.

Eva

Roxie still believes her bright shiny mask is impenetrable, but you know her better than she thinks you do; something is worrying her. A lot. And here she is, practically saving both of your lives, and trying to hide it so you don’t feel any worse—

You’re faced with the sudden urge to kiss her.

She’s been a shoulder to lean on, a friend, a good friend. Why did this feeling burst through now? Did the weight of what you and Neil failed to do, the weight of what you know and what he’s not telling you, crack and cause this shift?

(What would she think if you tried?)

You push the urge away, but feel it beaming through when you take your first sip of cider.

Maybe in another life.

Robert

Roxie’s on the verge of breaking, and you can’t do one thing to help.

She stands by you, thermos in hand, while she waits for Eva and Neil to tie up some legalities and gather what they need. At this hour, the offices are silent to the point of suffocation. Having these three around is reminiscent of oxygen. Even so:

"I was really scared, you know?" she says, smiling, eyes painfully bright. "All I knew was I had to get them. So I did. They’ve been dealing with something tough and I couldn't ask them even though I wanted to and they were nearly hypothermic, Rob!" The noise that comes out of her is a shrill mockery of laughter. "So after they're done here, we're going back to my place. All of us. I don't want them to sleep alone. I'll hogtie Neil if I have to, I swear to god.”

There’s nothing you can say, so you just nod. And then you realize: there is something you can do.

You want Roxie to yourself, of course; most one-sided relationships are likely that selfish. You want her to be happy even more than that. So you excuse yourself to the bathroom, and then double back to the offices and poke through Eva’s ajar door, knocking on the jamb.

They’re both in there, which makes it easier for you. Neil’s already got a file folder stuffed with papers in his arms (which he nearly drops upon seeing you). You also notice the overnight bag next to him, and that Eva’s looking over hers.

(Of course. The weekend’s coming up. You should get your bag too.) That’ll make it easier for Roxie.

You’re also worried about them, so this isn’t only for Roxie’s sake. Eva looks like a shell of herself, and Neil’s posture seems to indicate he’s in pain.

“What’s up, Bob?” Neil plops the file folder into his bag. “We taking too long or something?”

You shake your head. “Take the time you need. I heard from Roxie tonight’s case didn't end well, so I thought I should check in.”

“We’re as all right as we can be,” Eva says, zipping up her bag. “And anyway, we’re done here.”

She stops when you don’t move from the doorway.

“She’s really worried about you two. I don’t know any details, but… go easy on her. She means well even when she’s overbearing.”

You turn and head back to the lobby, feeling overheated.

Neil

Roxie seems like a supernova in the frozen night (and if you weren’t half-frozen you'd be slapping yourself for your dumb metaphorical thoughts), and that light is enough, combined with Eva’s presence, to propel you into Roxie’s car.

You flinch because, somehow, her brief touch feels like it unlocks all your secrets. Ridiculous, because Eva got there first and you really hardly know Roxie.

The paperwork is second nature. You and Eva go to your respective offices; you squint as if that’ll make your handwriting look any less blurry (okay, guess your glasses need cleaning); at the last second you grab your overnight bag, and instead of heading back to the lobby you gravitate to Eva’s office and stand there like a dumbass while she finishes up.

You thump your bag on the floor. “Hey.”

“Hey,” she says without turning around.

You busy yourself with organizing your papers. But every so often you glance at her, and when you see she’s going through her overnight bag the urge to ask if she wants to stay at your place, or if you can stay at hers, is overpowering. Don’t ask, don’t— “Do you—”

There’s a knock, and of all people Rob’s standing there, as if tonight isn’t freaky enough. Still. Saved by the Bobert bell.

What he says, along with the sheer incongruity of his presence, knocks you out of your numbness for a few minutes. “Jeez,” you say once he leaves as fast as he came by, “he’s really got it bad for her, doesn’t he?”

A barely-heard whisper in your mind hisses, You should know.

She’s wearing an indecipherable expression. “I suppose so.”

It all makes slightly more sense when you get back to the lobby. Before you or Eva can open your mouths, Roxie’s talking.

“It’s been a really bad night for you two. I’ve been there, you don’t have to tell me anything, and... I won’t ask. But I’ve got a spare room and a couch at my place and you should take advantage of that for the night. I’ve already convinced Rob, and I won’t bother any of you, a-a-and I really think it’s for the best so, so please…”

As exposed as you’re feeling, you can see the appeal of staying at her place. It’s closer than yours, and yeah, okay, your brain cannot handle the logistics of dropping off and heading home. Besides, it’s pretty uncomfortable how upset she seems (even if it’s just about her sinking ship, har), and if this makes her feel better, well. You don’t know what’s going on, feel like you haven’t for hours, but you’re with people you know and who know you, even though they don’t know everything. There’s something to be said for having friends in the same line of work.

This rift between you and Eva hurts far more than you can admit to yourself, never mind anyone else. And even though Roxanne and Rob have no idea what’s happened, happening, between you two, them being with you feels like a bulwark holding back any further damage.

Maybe they might even help fix what’s broken.

Roxie could, maybesomehowsomeway. She seems like that kind of person, the kind who wants to fix people’s issues and is good at it, though who the hell knows where you got that impression. She’s standing closer, an arm’s length— a fact you only realize when she reaches up and takes off your glasses.

Roxie

You didn’t notice how close you’d gotten to Neil and Eva while you were talking, or that you’d been moving at all, until a shadow near Neil’s eyebrow catches your attention. At that instant, your accidental proximity doesn’t matter. Your heart stops for a split second. “Neil, your eye!”

“What about my—”

You remove his glasses. Eva gasps, like it’s A Bad Thing you just did (and okay, you can’t remember ever seeing his eyes before), and you can even sense Rob standing protectively close behind you. “Holy schnikes, Neil!” His right eye is nearly swollen shut, the bruise radiating nearly to his temple on that side and nearly across his nose on the other. “What happened?”

A tidal wave of guilt from Eva makes the room wobble, but Rob catches you.

“Sorry, more tired than I thought,” you say to their combined are you okays. Your nervous smile lands on Rob, who doesn’t look convinced. Still, he helps you upright silently.

Neil squints at you with his good eye. “What do you mean ‘what happened?’”

How can he not know? “It’s totally black??” You look from Neil to Eva and back, panic surfacing slowly. “It’s barely open??? Doesn’t it hurt?????”

Eva sighs, pulls a hand mirror from her bag, and holds it in front of him.

A pause.

“Huh,” he finally says. “Guess that explains why it’s a little harder to see.”

“Our client’s brother punched him.” Eva rubs at the bridge of her nose.

“He did not—”

“He said he was fine, but I thought he was just shrugging it off. I didn’t know he didn’t know! Don’t you remember your glasses broke?”

“He was huge! I dodged him easy! I…” Neil digs through his pockets indignantly for a few moments, then stops. “I don’t have my spare pair. Which… means that those…”

“Are your spare pair,” you finish gently, handing them back to him. “Neil, I think you might have a concussion.”

“Well, shit,” he says, at the same time Eva says, “That’s what I’m worried about.”

“That settles it.” You step back a couple paces, reluctantly. “You’re definitely coming back with me. I have ice and I have some bruise cream that’s pure magic, I swear.”

Neil huffs. “I already said I would.”

“You only thought it because I didn’t hear you.” You eke out a grin. “I’m not a mind-reader, you know!”

“Okay, well, this is my official yes let’s crash at your pad agreement.”

“Heard and acknowledged!”

Putting her bag over her shoulder, Eva says, “Then let’s go,” and leads the way to the elevators.

She and Neil take the backseat again, leaving Rob to sit in the passenger seat. Now that you’ve executed your plan, you seem to have lost whatever energy you had left.

The silence that falls, though, feels comforting instead of stifling.

~~~

The first step through your front door pulls a deep sigh out of you. Rob, Eva, and Neil’s various flavors of tension decrease slightly.

“I’m just gonna… stop for a minute.” So saying, Neil plops onto the floor in front of your stupid-huge couch.

“Sit wherever you like,” you say as you go to the kitchen for an ice pack.

You’re glad you turned the room into something slightly more presentable, even when you weren’t expecting three people to come by— cleaned up junky desserts from the coffee table, put pillows back, et cetera. You wrap a hand towel around the ice pack and bring it back to Neil, telling him to use light pressure. “I’ll go get the supplies.”

As soon as you flick on your bathroom light and see yourself in the mirror, your throat tightens with the need to cry. A few gasping sobs come out of you but, “Okay okay okay,” you whimper, clutching the sink rim, they’re here, you got them, you’ve made them safe now. “Get it together. Snap the hell out of it. You’ve got a job to do.”

You gather everything you think you need and then go back over it: disposable gloves, the arnica bruise cream, antiseptic wipes, washcloth, cup of warm water, 8-hour painkiller/swelling reducer. Then you splash off and dry your face, finagle all of it into your arms, and get back out there.

Neil’s made it onto your couch, probably because Eva’s sitting there now. She’s on his left. There’s space for you between them.

You’re friends. Colleagues. You’ve all been through highs and lows working at Sigmund, in parallel with each other. They can’t read your mind.

You unload your supplies onto the coffee table and take the seat.

Eva lets out a breath.

“Sorry for grabbing your glasses,” you say to Neil as you put on the gloves.

“Eh. Extenuating circumstances.” He shrugs. Takes them off. “‘Kay, do your worst.”

“I’ll be as careful as I can. First, these.” You hold up the wipe pack. “Your skin’s not broken so it shouldn’t sting, but I’ll make sure any excess is gone anyway. Oh—” You grab the pain pills. “Take these first, actually. I can get you water.”

“I have my own… water,” he mumbles, digging through his bag and retrieving a bottle. “Thanks.”

Once he’s taken the pills, you run the wipe all around the bruise, holding your breath while you dab at his closed eye. “Don’t move.” You wet the washcloth then and apply that, making sure no residue stays to get into his eye. That would suck.

“Okay, move if you need to. Magic cream’s the last thing!” You hold it up with a flourish. “Never had to use it on something this, uh,” you fumble for the word, “extensive, but I promise it’ll help.”

“Who died and made you Florence Nightingale?” he said with a chuckle.

You pause in the middle of daubing cream on your finger. “Who?”

“It’s an old reference. Really old. Like, my gramps knew the history, that’s how old.”

“Early 20th century nurse, I believe,” Rob says in a musing tone. “Founded the profession.”

“You’re almost as old as him, so you don’t count.”

“She opened the first nursing school, too,” says Eva.

“And you’re a nerd so you also don’t count.”

“She sounds pretty cool,” you say quietly; you’re close to Neil’s face again, applying the cream from the outside of the bruise in. “Glad someone’s remembering her, still.”

You don’t even notice the silence fall, you’re concentrating so hard.

Neil holds his breath this time when you put the tiniest amount of cream on and around his eyelids, using the barest pressure to rub it in and still wincing in his place.

You’re very close to him. Your hand tingles. Whatever’s charging the atmosphere is impossible to analyze.

“Um. All done.” You pull your hand away, look away, throw the glove into the little trash can under the table.

“Rox?”

You look back at him and try to breathe evenly.

“Just… thanks. For all this. And…” He leans forward to catch Eva’s gaze. “...sorry I got my head bashed in and forgot about it.”

“We should get that checked out tomorrow.” Her voice is worn, but her eyes are soft.

Your worry changes form in that instant, from low-key constancy in your veins to the choking kind of worry that comes from realizing you love them, are in love with them, your best friends who are in love with each other and either don’t know or can’t admit it. They certainly don’t have the room to accept your feelings.

You’ve known this for long enough; it’s hardly a revelation. But something about tonight has crystallized your feelings, made them impossible to bury. Now you know the origin of the physical ache that’s been dogging you for weeks, to the point of becoming a second skin, and you desperately wish you could do anything to ease Neil and Eva’s pain as much for yourself as for them. You just squeeze Neil’s hand, pretend Eva taking yours doesn’t stop your heart, and stare at Robert who graciously doesn’t stare back.

You nod, because you don’t trust your voice. But then you speak anyway. “We’re a team. Mismatched as we may be. We gotta stick together, you know?”

Looking at them both, you see Eva smile, and even Neil has a tiny flash of one when he says, “The four musketeers, or something?”

“Close enough.” Robert, soft, as he eases onto the couch next to Eva.

“No, exactly. One for all, and…” You swallow, looking at Neil, wishing so hard for Eva’s sake. “And all for one.”

Your hands left Eva’s and Neil’s to settle on the couch minutes ago, but now, almost synchronized, their hands cover yours again.

Every ounce of tension rushes out of you, in spite of the fact that your brain is in red alert mode, your heart’s beating fast enough it hurts, and heat’s flashing through you from head to toe.

Maybe one day you’ll tell Neil and Eva everything you feel. Maybe one day you’ll share your biggest secret with all three of them. But for now, all that matters is that you’re all together, safe for tonight, warm and dry. All that matters is the others’ emotions are blending into a shared, soft calm, that you’re almost, just about, being held by them. All that matters is that you all have each other.

For once in a long while, your mind is quiet.

#JujYwrites #SiqSquare #To the Moon #Finding Paradise #Rosawatts #Winlin #so. much. PINING

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ayyyez · 4 years ago

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MATCHUPS!! i woke up to see you're doing this now but ive never done this before so im not sure what character i want!! i was going to ask fr a naruto character but i have 7 crushes from there and i could. not. choose so i guess i am asking you to pick for me between bakugo and tamaki (if you dont write tamaki than its fine) okay i am an artist! ish! im in art college and i practice tattooing on the side so i think thats what id do if i were fictional too. so i create a lot. (1/2 long ask here)

Okay but you can easily slot into a relationship with both so I’ll do both eheh because you deserve both okay! Also I know I told you this already but from Naruto, you could totally deal with Tobirama ehe.

Bakugou Katsuki

First of all he needs someone who doesn’t get phased by yelling have a calm, cool and collected conversation with this mess of a boy. It absolutely frustrates him at first that you can remain calm even if he is the complete opposite. He lacks that control but hey he’s getting better and who better to show him the ropes than you?

He will need you to call him on his shit. That’s the only way he will grow as a person and in the relationship. And because you can remain calm you can do this in a way that doesn’t belittle his feelings. That would honestly only make him madder and more torn up inside. Loves you for it later on.

Despite needing to be in control of most aspects of his life, Bakugou needs someone who can take the reins in the relationship, especially when that inferiority complex rears its head. That and the fact that you are low maintenance honestly meshes so well with him.

Speaking of low maintenance, he isn’t the type to want to be around his s/o 24/7 so having someone not overly clingy all the time will make him come to you when he wants/needs too. In fact it can make him the clingy one in many aspects because he is so touch starved he will seek you out to be that warmth for him.

The creative drives you have and his own creativity will also mesh well. He’s creative when it comes to his quirk, he can appreciate creativity in all forms. Also I hc Bakugou being that guy who looooooves tattoos. Thinks they are the hottest thing ever aha and the fact you are talented enough to design and do them? Big tick in his books.

If in this scenario you are tattoo artist and not training at UA then it will be a nice breath of fresh air for him. Someone he doesn’t have to compete against and he likes? Wow a chance to actually relax.

I can see the two of you meeting around college age rather than high school age, simply because younger Bakugou has a one track mind toward being a hero and he kind of opens his eyes to the world a bit later after he has gotten a bit of experience.

Idk why but I can also see you to meeting by getting into an argument? He starts arguing with you and you just come back at him with logic and no fear that makes him go “Wait who is this person.” That’s what makes you stick in his mind.

Can see him falling for you first. But he’s oblivious to it. You aren’t since he is not very good at hiding his emotions lol. You have to make him say he likes you tbh (I don’t mean force it out of him but you have to ask questions that lead there) Otherwise he will just come to you one day and yell it at you. Gotta laugh at that.

I think you’d be a overall positive influence on him in terms of coming to understand his feelings and the kind of person he wants to be. In turn he can push you pursue your dreams. All that talk about him becoming the no.1 has got to rub off on you in some way right?

I think learning about you fears makes you feel more real to him. Since you’re usually calm seeing you stress about something like being in inclosed spaces, will give him the opportunity to be the calm one in a situation. Lowkey feels important if he is the only one who knows about it and will also be really considerate about these things.

Bakugou also likes lowkey dates, especially ones at home so it can be just the two of you. He spends every other moment out in the world, it’s nice for him to unwind with you.

Kiss him first. Seriously it will annoy him because “I was just about to do that.” And like that you set the tone for the rest of the relationship eheh. He will kiss you back straight away so you two are even.

Overall: I ship it. I said I’d keep this sfw but I will say one last thing based on what you said: dominate that man ahaha.

Amajiki Tamaki

This sweet boy needs someone confident and calm to guide his way through a relationship at first. His confidence will grow over time and he will be more open and honest but it takes him a little while to get there. You would help him a lot.

I feel like at first, the two of you would either bond over art or music. I can see him being really into art but also being into metal music. You would be friends before you lead into the dating world. He doesn’t really have anyone who shares his music taste so his eyes light up when he finds out you do.

Cute moments of just sitting somewhere with Tamaki and sharing an earbud each while you swap recommendations. The best way to get Tamaki talking is through music since he really holds it dear in his heart. It always made him feel less lonely.

Talking about music naturally helps you lean into talking about art. Give him a drawing of a butterfly (or just any drawing in general) and he will melt. Puts in on his wall in his dorm. Treasures that present forever. Won’t directly ask to see you work at first but you can tell he really enjoys it. He looooves your creativity and it makes him wish he could create something in return to give to you.

He makes a spotify playlist for you but it takes him months before he even shares it with you. Lmao he keeps talking himself out of it. It’s really sweet to because it’s full of songs he thinks you will like and specifically chose for you. Ah, it’s honestly so sweet.

Like Bakugou, you gotta call him on his shit. Like every time he falls down a hole of pessimism or self doubt you can’t let it lie. He will learn to get better (obvs his anxiety won’t disappear) but he will learn to cope with it all in a different way.

Arguing with Tamaki will happen. It won’t be yelling or screaming from either parties but it will be deep and emotional. He hits you with his pessimism and putting him self down (sometimes in a way where he assumes your own opinion or feelings) this is where you hit him with the calm, collected logic.

I think though, as the two of you grow together you will be able to establish healthy communication about this. Also you can help by using your more dominant role in the relationship to make sure he feels loved. A thriving Tamaki = a thriving relationship.

I can see the two of you going for a lot of dates in parks, especially in the more secluded areas. Tamaki also appreciates nature dates, specially lowkey ones away from lots of people. He is really awkward in public as it is, let alone on a date.

You’re the one who initiates things most. Taking him by the hand, kissing his cheek and easing him in. He is nervous about intimacy so he looks to you to guide him. Will eventually initiate things but will relinquish control very easily.

You went to a butterfly sanctuary one and it was the best decision ever. It made him so happy and almost forget all the anxieties on his mind. Perfect time to snap some cute, happy pics of him (candid of course).

Learning about your fears will likely come in a deep conversation with him one night. When he is feeling particularly anxious about his own fears you help him by talking about your own. It makes him realise that everyone has doubts and fears, even you which makes him feel a bit better.

Overall: very cute relationship 10/10. And again, dominate this man lmao.

#matchups #bnha matchups #matchup #greedlingss #ily #hope you enjoy these #they both definitely work #Ask

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blankietaegi · 6 years ago

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ikigai j.jk

ikigai is a Japanese term for "a reason for being."

blurb: sometimes second chances are meant to be taken.

a/n: this has major suicide warning. please, if you’ve suffered with issues like suicide, do not read and if you like my writing, check out my other writings, not this one. this story is very close to me and so i would love for some support but don’t force yourself to read. thank you and enjoy :).

masterlist

the first sense you could feel was your head pounding. the sensation rung throughout your skull and you groaned but your throat was too dry to let out any noise. you swallowed but suddenly felt quietness in your chest. where was your heartbeat?

you let that thought slide as you lifted your eyelids to see yourself in a bathroom. you lay in the water filled bathtub and groaned again as you lifted yourself out of the water. what happened to you?

the water was a dirty brown, mixed with all kinds of things. you payed no attention to the dirt surrounding your old figure. you say the side of the tub and rested your elbows on your legs. you buried your head into your hands. rubbing you forehead to soothe the headache, you look around you with tiredness. as you check your surroundings, you can’t seem to remember anything. like anything.

it’s like you were just re-born, like nothing else mattered.

your eyes lay on a crumpled piece of lined paper ripped from a book. you reach down, feeling a bit stiff although you didn’t want know how long you’d been in a position for. you unfold the paper and flatten it out as much as you could.

the handwriting seemed uncomfortably familiar, like it was your own. oh shit, it was. this was your hand writing. what the fuck happened? you began to read the writing in front of your eyes out loud.

“to whoever this might concern,” your voice was croaky.

“i am writing this because i simply can’t take it anymore. the feeling i possess is too much to bare and i need an escape. this has nothing to do with any one of you. this is my decision and my fault.” you read out. your instincts heighten as you continue to read.

“This is my final goodbye.” the feeling of confusion as you look back on the tub set in. only now did you noticed that the mixture of blood and water is what stained the liquid in the bath brown. the source of blood fame from the hands that were now ‘clean’ from the water. it left open wounds that were now wrinkling.

the note was dated the 5/12/18. you stood up to look for a source to tell you the date. you walked around for what felt like the first time in ages. you felt dizzy but continued looking.

you found your phone in your room that was a mess. bed sheets thrown everywhere, the cabinets were ransacked and all the lamps where broken.

it took a while for your phone to turn on but when it does the date is clearly there,

8/12/18.

after a long morning of confusion and regret, you went downstairs to look around for someone. did anyone come to you when you were like this? or did anyone care? no memories come to your mind do friends or family. did you have any of them?

you are reminded of a thought that was brought up earlier, your heartbeat. still, you couldn’t hear or feel it.

“why am i feeling like this?” you asked yourself as you begin to feel dizzy, again. you lay down on your couch, touching your chest.

“why aren’t i dead?” you ask yourself as an awaful thought comes to your mind. what if you were dead?

you think for a second as you begin to check your phone for any sign of truth or answers. so you begin to scroll through your social media’s, tons of photos of friends come up in your feed.

a certain brown haired boy appeared in a photo, hugging your side. you looked happy so what happened? you continued to scroll and saw his face come up frequently. you tapped on his tagged account and found out his name was Jungkook.

where was he when you decided to take your life? or why didn’t he notice anything? why the fuck wasn’t he here? you hadn’t spoken to him in three days, wouldn’t he see something?

you threw your phone across the room. you felt sorry for yourself. as you began to sob, but before melting into an overwhelming amount of sadness you bring yourself to the bathroom. you at your face in the blood-stained mirror. your blue lips complimented (not) your dark circles under you lifeless eyes that exaggerated the very pale features of your face.

“if i’m alive... this would hurt,” you begin to press down on the open wounds that rest on your arms. you squeeze it tight, thinking of your old boyfriend, jungkook.

but nothing, nothing at all.

it’s now that you begin to realise you’re dead. you don’t exist in the human world now, you’re part of the dead. were you a ghost, zombie, or a demon? you never believed in any of these but you didn’t believe in life after death either that’s probably why you choose to take your life away.

as your lost in your thoughts, your phone begins to buzz. the caller id is ‘jungkook baby’. you pick it up and gag mentally at the name. you hold the phone to you ear, expecting a ‘oh my god, y/n?! you’re alive!’.

“hey babe.” jungkook causally says hello. you hope this is just a coping method.

“jungkook?” you voice remains croaky.

“yeah, babe. are you feeling okay, your voice sounds hoarse?” he asks through the phone. he really had no clue.

“i’m fine, jungkook.” you say as the conversation goes quiet. you state into space, sad that no one knew about you.

“well, if you’re not too sick, i was wondering if you want to come over tonight.” he invited you, you can hear him smiling at the other end. you smile at his words, how sweet.

but how could you continue to go out with him when you’re dead? but still, you felt bad about breaking up on the phone.

but what makes you go is that you might be able to live like you did, before you took your life. this didn’t happen for no reason, someone gave you a second chance.

please, if you are thinking of taking your own life, talk to someone. it doesn’t have to be a counsellor but the people who are close to you can have the same effect. if you are worried about being judged or think that they’ll look at you differently, they won’t. they don’t think you are any different than you are now, they just care about your wellbeing.

#bts #bts imagines #bts au #bts x reader #jeon jungkook #bts fake texts #bts texts #bts x you #park jimin #kim seokjin #jungkook x reader #jungkook imagine #jungkook bts

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star-anise · 6 years ago

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So. I’m currently reading Arrows of the Queen, by Mercedes Lackey, since it was finally released on audiobook this year. Re-reading, in fact; reading these books as a 31-year-old therapist instead of a starry-eyed 13-year-old.

I ranted the other night about the book's depiction of Elspeth as "spoiled" instead of "abused", and @feathersescapism (as part of the post's excellent and thoughtful contributions) said this about Mercedes Lackey:

It’s so effing messy for me because like on the one hand she saved my life. She was the VERY first place I saw loving, validated, celebrated queer relationships and ironically Vanyel was the first time I saw an example of someone who was angry and hurt and messy and bad at people and bullied but not a passive victim be portrayed as fundamentally loveable. As in fact valuable enough, worthy enough to be PURSUED, even, to have someone make the effort to get past his hostile defense behaviors. That was priceless to me. Unfortunately it’s like….it was water when I was dying of thirst but it turns out it was water laced with heavy metals that then did a lot of long term damage.

Which is partly just a concentration thing; if you are drinking from many wells, having one be poisoned won't damage you as much overall. But if it's your only source of water, even trace amounts get dangerous. And, well, we were Eighties babies, mentally ill queer kids with access to small-town libraries who ducked guidance counsellors who pushed conformity as the path to happiness.

So I just found a scene that I think really shows that Lackey was writing from a specifically 80s understanding of psychology, before we knew almost anything about trauma; as considered today, it's bad practice on multiple levels, and can point to some of the underlying problems with the Valdemar worldview.

TW child abuse, child neglect

So in this part of the book, 13-year-old Talia, who was rescued from her awful abusive life among the Holderkin by a giant magical horse, is settling into her new life as a Herald-trainee. She attends classes during the day, and then sleeps in her own room in a dormitory wing of her fellow trainees. Her teachers know that she displays all the symptoms of an abused child, and that she's from an extremely insular and rigid culture.

Her teacher, Teren, asks her to stay after class, and she does, wary and panicked because she doesn't know what's going on. He explains that the Heralds sent a letter back to her family to explain that her disappearance was because of the magical horse choosing her as a future Herald, and they get half-taxes that year and she's going to be very important. Her family, however, replies to say only, "Sensholding has no daughter Talia." Because she ran away instead of staying and getting married, she is disobedient and bad, and therefore totally shunned by her entire community.

She didn't realize she was weeping until a single hot tear splashed on the paper, blurring the ink. She regained control of herself immediately, swallowing down the tears. [...] It was odd, but when she'd chosen to run away, their certain excommunication hadn't seemed so great a price to pay for freedom; but somehow now, after all her hopes for forgiveness had been raised only to be destroyed by this one note-- Never mind; once again she was on her own--and Herald Teren would hardly approve of her sniveling over the situation. "It's all right," she said, handing back the note to the Herald. "I should have expected it." She was proud that her voice only trembled a little, and that she was able to meet his eyes squarely. Teren was startled and slightly alarmed; not at her reaction to the note, but by her immediate iron-willed suppression of it. This was not a healthy response. She should have allowed herself the weakness of tears; any child her age should have. Instead, she was holding back, turning further into herself. He tried, tentatively, to call those tears back to the surface where they belonged. Such suppression of natural feelings could only mean deep emotional turmoil later--and would only serve as one more brick in the wall the child had placed between herself and the others around her. "I wish there was something I could do to help." Teren was exceedingly distressed and tried to show that he was as much distressed at the child's denial of her own grief as with the situation itself. "I can't understand why they should have replied like this." If he could just get her to at least admit that the situation made her unhappy, he would have an opening wedge in getting her to trust him. [...] "I'm going to be late--" Talia winced away from the outheld hand and ran, wishing Teren had been less sympathetic. He'd brought her tears perilously close to the surface again. She'd wanted, above all other things, to break down and cry on his shoulder. But--no. She didn't dare. When kith and kin could deny her so completely, what might not strangers do, especially if she exposed her weaknesses? And Heralds were supposed to be self-sufficient, self-reliant. She would not show that she was unworthy and weak.

What I took away from this book, at 13 and during most successive readings, was that the fault in this situation is Talia's unwillingness to trust Teren and break down. It is her inability to open up emotionally to her deep, vulnerable feelings that causes problems. I suspect that my reading is not terribly far off the narrative's own perception of the central problem. In the 1980s, psychology was very based around the individual, the dance of the id, ego, and superego. Talia's problem is that she has an overactive superego, which prevents her from expressing her natural feelings in a healthy way. She uses unhealthy coping mechanisms, which must be overcome to achieve health and full congruence with her feelings. This runs very much on the catharsis model, where emotions build up like a boil, and must be lanced; once someone "vents", they feel better.

Now, at 31, and trained to help vulnerable 13-year-olds, I can see a lot of differences in how I'd assess the problem now. The trauma field especially has come to understand that humans are essentially relational beings; our brains are born in relationships. We function best in relationships. We need, more than anything else, to feel connected and understood. And then, above that: we are beings in brains and bodies. Our consciousness is limited by the hardware it runs on. If our body is dedicating all its resources to fight-or-flight, we cannot be rational, logical thinkers. We need to understand how to regulate our own emotions, both by personal actions and through relationships with others, to achieve health. It takes repeated, patterned practice to master the skills of understanding and moderating those emotions. Coping mechanisms may be unhealthy, but as I was taught in grad school, "All psychopathology was adaptive once." If you're going to take away someone's unhealthy coping mechanism, you need to have first replaced it with something healthier.

So looking at this scene now, I can point out that Talia represses her emotions instantly because in her family of origin, she got beaten up for crying. Her teachers have already observed that she has the defensive and startle-reactions of an abused child. It should not be very hard for Teren to put two and two together and think: She has been systematically trained to view emotion as unsafe.

He could, at this point, make the rules of their current situation clear: "It's all right to cry. You don't have to put on a brave face for me." This would let Talia know that she won't lose support or status if she cries. But that assumes, frankly, that she can cry; that the experience of being vulnerable in front of another human being wouldn't be too overwhelming, perhaps terrifying, for her to bear. He could also validate that, and let Talia know he sees her and understands. "It'd be all right if you let that guard down, but it looks like you've got a lot of experience with dealing with hard knocks. If you ever do want to talk about it, I'm here."

It's important for him not to try to force her to show feeling the way he thinks she should. He doesn't actually know that it's safe, or that he's safe. Traumatized people need, more than almost anything else, to achieve a measure of control over their own emotions and bodies. They need to be able to make themselves calm when they need to be calm, and not to be ambushed with sadness or fear out of the blue. It should be, more than anything, Talia's decision of when and where to express her emotions. Is bottling it all up unhealthy for her? Oh, probably. She might get depression later this month, or heart disease in 40 years. But being forced to cry when she's not ready to can leave her feeling violated and retraumatized, right here, right now.

The thing that makes crying comforting for most people is that they have a very deep pattern etched on their brains: They cry, someone comforts them, their pain recedes, they feel calmer. It's the pattern of a thousand hungry wakeups as a baby where someone was gentle and kind and fed them. It's skinned knees kissed and broken toys mended. But Talia probably doesn't have that; her experience of crying has been that she's punished and abused for it, and as an infant whose mother died in childbirth, she probably wasn't adequately nurtured either to build those good associations in the first place. Crying just takes her into a deeper place of loneliness and self-hatred. So for her to soothe herself, she might need to be taught very basic ways of doing that--to take a break, to do something she loves, to get a hug from a friend. Her traditional reaction has been to mask her emotions, and to self-isolate and let those feelings of pain and alienation swamp her.

What he could even do, as I sometimes do as a therapist, is respect that repression as a way of coping and roll with it. If someone can only bear the most glancing reference to their trauma? Then glance. Use black humour or obvious irony to acknowledge the situation without engaging with its emotional depth. “So, you know, no big deal. I bet that’s what you’ve always wanted.” So long as it’s paired with other kinds of real caring--especially useful, immediate help and close emotional attunement--that’s not out of place.

One thing he seems to have assumed is that of course, if your family is awful and devastating, you get to take the morning off to cry. I can only assume that's why he's pushing her to cry at the end of class, when she has another one to go to right after. But she might not know that. Certainly her familyexpected that if they did something awful and devastating, Talia needed to get back to work as soon as possible. Teren doesn't discuss this, and I think it's important; Talia goes to something like four other classes, has lunch, and reads for an hour before she finally gets to do anything relevant to taking care of her emotions. Implicitly, the idea that schedule and routine supercede emotions, and that emotional work takes second place, gets reinforced by the system that thinks it's "saving" her.

The other thing traumatized people struggle with, next to control, is connection. Trauma is hugely isolating; it reroutes resources away from the parts of the brain that foster social connection, so people literally lose track of anyone who might be loving and supportive, and it's hard to make ordinary people understand what you're going through. This is part of why Teren showing Talia all his distress isn't really good for her; he's overloading her still further with natural empathy for his emotions, increasing the weight she has to carry mentally, but not reinforcing her connections. He doesn't remind her that other Heralds are her family now, nor does he give her help in how to reach out to anyone.

Who might Teren remind her of? As much as he's taking on the role of The Person She Can Be Emotional To, he's hardly ever in her life; this is the last day of their week-long class where he met her for one hour a morning. He could encourage her to talk to one of her regular teachers, including his twin Keren, who teaches her equitation, or the cook, in whose kitchen Talia is most confident and in her element. If her dormitory had older Heralds who lived there in a kind of supervisory or mentoring role, spending hours of unstructured free time with the trainees, he could direct her to one of them. He could even direct her to her age-peers, with whom she lives, who might not be the most emotionally attuned but certainly seem to be the group with whom the Heralds expect her to do most of her emotional bonding.

Or he could--now here's a thought--suggest she spend the rest of the morning with the magical psychic horse who can beam rays of love and devotion directly into her brain.

But he doesn't. It is only after Talia has attended classes on history, geography, mathematics, etiquette, and archery, eaten lunch, read for an hour, and cried in the back of the sewing room, that she finally sees her magic horse. And she does feel a bit better! But by then, her major adrenaline has worn off, and with it the ability to etch memories deeply into her brain; the first hours after her shock were spent ignoring her feelings and being disconnected from people who didn't notice she was in pain, thus reinforcing all her old traumatic impressions.

So the book sets up a recurring number of incidents where Talia's loneliness and isolation is reinforced by the world around her; where no one provides her the necessary scaffolding to help her build bridges with other people and develop the skills to be healthier; and then, as happens throughout the series, when something bad happens to her, she is blamed for being so isolated and repressed.

When I was 13, I had no framework to understand any of this. On the schoolyard, I'd been taught many of Talia's lessons about the dangers of showing weakness, and in the classroom, about the importance of repressing emotions; I used her as an emotional model. (Later in the books, Talia lbecomes an Empath and Mind-Healer, which hugely impacted my decision to become a therapist.) But then, when her loneliness turned into defencelessness and her lack of emotional control turned into instability, the narrative said it was her fault for not being healthier. And so I thought: Yes. It is completely reasonable to provide a young person with no emotional support at all, and then get mad at them for being fucked up.

And so there's lead in the water.

#staranise original #therapisting #valdemar revisited #child abuse tw #child neglect tw #trauma tw

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unknowngirl199424-blog · 6 years ago

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Pt. 3

Now being the pretty innocent girl i was. I smoked weed very occasionally. Drank every now and then. But that was it really. I smoked cigs. Stupid choice i made at an even more stupid young age. I was 13 when i tried it. 15 when i started smoking every day. (My parents knew, they didn't care) my younger sister had been smoking for years. She partied a lot. Drank a lot. Smoked a lot. Took a lot of pills. Would steal my moms pain pills that she needed from the back surgeries. Mom would run out at the end of the month and would bawl... Literally wail in pain. And it never stopped my sister. I caught her several times. Id get pissed. Ask her wtf she was doing, or why... But she never stopped. I never told... I was drowning in depression. It started when i was 13. After my grandma passed. I changed... She was my world.

My parents partied ALOT!

Used LOTS of drugs...

Ranging from just weed, to coke, to meth...

The first half of my life... From birth till... 14? I think was when they quit all the hard shit for good. They were just... Mom and dad. I mean i loved them, i respected them, but... I didn't have anything to compare it to. It was normal for me to walk in and see light bulbs just randomly on the coffee table.

It was normal for me to wake my sis up in the morning, helping her get dressed, teeth brushed, food in her belly and out the door waiting on the bus. Every day. We lived in the country about 20 miles from town where our friends were. So all we had was each other. In the summer as soon as the sun started to show, 7:00ish. My parents would rush into our room. One would wake up me while the other would wake my sister. Rush us up and to get dressed and outside. We'd be outside alllllllllll day long in the summer in Oklahoma heat. They'd have friends over and lock the doors. We played. Sometimes the friends would bring their kids and we'd run around and play all day. I was a tom boy. I had scarred bloody knees almost daily from wrecking my bike. Would just walk around the property we lived on. Played with our dogs. Pissed off snakes that liked to live in the barn or chicken coop. I ran a lot. BUT IT WAS NORMAL TO ME. They started to quit when i was 12. Then grandma passed. They started again. Didn't stop for good until mom was hurt and dad was fired for pissing dirty for weed, coke, and meth. He was rehired 6 months later. But shit was rough at the time. So after losing my grandma. I went into myself. She loved me, took care of me. Gave me what i wanted and needed. I basically broke. I was never really an over joyous kid. I was raped and molested by my cousin. And so i always carried pain. But grandma was who made me happy. She passed. And from that point in my life from 13 to 18. I cut a lot. I was emotionless most days. But some days I'd break and cry for hours. For the longest time i thought i was depressed because of grandma. But i realized... Depression is a disease. And once you get a good dose of it, it stays. It twists and folds and wiggles its way into every fibre of your being and clings. And bad things that go on add to it and over time, you are eye level deep terrified you're gonna go under soon and no one will notice. Well over the years shit was added. Once I realised i could.... Not feel the pain and sadness... I latched on. Over time the occasional smoking weed went to every day several times a day. Drinking came up for awhile but i hated feeling like shit the next day so i quit. My ex gave me a pain pill one day.

I realised that not only could i get away from the pain and depression, i could feel fucking amazing while doing so. So it started out ya know. Once a week. Just one. To 2 a week to 4 a week to at least 1 every day. When we went up north. Pills were every where. Drugs in general. And i wanted to experience things. We had fun. Went lots of places. Did lots of things. Parties, festivals, fairs, amusement parks, museums, art museums, craft fairs, art stores, book stores, malls, movie theaters.. Just... it was great. I met her friends. They were like her. We partied a lot. I was soley living in the moment for once instead of striving to please everyone else. It was a stupid choice. But it was my choice. Over the years. The fun with it stopped... it became a nessecity. She got shitty and mean sober and i was just as miserable. I wanted happiness not that. Her dad would give us pain pills every day and muscle relaxers. If we did literally anything for him he'd pay us in pills. My ex was also prescribed pain pills too! We'd go through them so quick and then he'd give them to us so we didn't go through withdrawal. By year 3 (2015) I'm 21. I'm working a few months here a few months there. Living the same daily cycle. My day didn't start until pills were thrown down my throat. The habit got bad. I was to a point i was taking fucking handfulls of pills. Daily. And didn't feel ok until then. The few days i didn't have them, i literally slept all day and all night. I was burying my issues with a dark coping mechanism.

I started falling out of love. I left her once last year and we got back together the next day. I told her she couldn't keep stopping me from leaving because it was making me hate her. She wouldnt let go. We stayed together for 4 months. I broke up with her and moved back to oklahoma the beginning of this year. But she was my comfort. Pills were my comfort. After being here for 4 months i let her come back. It was bad. I got back into pills again and one day i told her i didn't want to be with her anyone. She was here for a month at that point. But she wasn't trying to work. She wouldn't do anything. But look for pills. I told her i was done. She gave me some pills. I didn't know what they were but she told me they were for anxiety. And i was really upset. So i took them. We kept arguing. She kept giving me more. My parents stopped by to drop something off, i guess i was wayyyyy out of it. They leave. The fight blows up. I tell her i want her gone. She kept refusing. Idk what happened. It was like a light switch went off. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife and sliced my wrist up for the first time ever... I only cut my stomach and thighs as a teen. She came around the corner and saw what i was doing and broke a glass vase i had. She ran over and grabbed the blade. Started yanking it from me. I guess we fought over it pretty hard cuz all i remember was it flying across the room and when i got back 6 days later it was soooo bent up.

She kept going and going and i grabbed a piece of glass and cut, she got it away and i just collapsed to the floor. She tried hugging me. I screamed at her for being toxic for me. To not touch me. To just call my mom. My mom shows up. Its like 11:30 at night at this point and she freaks out. My ex starts shit with her. They argue. I scream at them that they needed to stop and mom took me to the er. I guess by that point i was in and out of consciousness. One thing i do remember was seeing an old teacher that i had from yearrrrs ago when i went to a vocational school to become a certified nurse aid. I really looked up to her at 17. Admired her. She was a Dr there in the er. It was humialting. I cried. I guess i pissed in a cup for em or something. I don't remember. But they told my mom (which i didn't find out till almost a week later) that i was overdosing. That all of what i took hadn't caught up and that's why i was talking really crazy and blacking out. I don't remember. But the next morning i wake up. There was a cop sitting next to my bed. 20 mins later im being handcuffed and put in a cruiser and drove over a hr to a phych place. Guess the dr asked me the night before what would happen if i went home and i said i didn't know. So they legally put me there for 5 days so i couldn't be any harm to myself.

5 good things about being put there.

1. I had no access to pills, alcohol, even cigarettes. So i was very very clear headed. The first time in almost 6 years. Had time to think about where tf my life has landed me.

2. I realized how fucking truly bad our relationship was. And came to the conclusion that if we stayed together. One, if not both of us was gonna end up in a casket. Whether it be from pills or not. It was gonna happen.

3. I realized that i deserved wayyyy better. Relationship wise. Life wise. I deserved someone who could push me in the healthy direction. Make positive choices. I felt like instead of maturing, i was still trapped in an 18 yr olds mentality.

4. I ended it. And that time i meant it. There's nothing she could offer me. That would make me go back. Not a million dollars, not a billion, not even all the stars in the sky. I have nothing for her.

5. I met someone who treats me amazing now. Who pushes me. Keeps me away from the shit. I've been pain pill free for 5 months and its staying that way.

And for once... I'm starting to actually feel happy. Genuinely. I was prescribed anti depressants, anti anxiety, and a sleep disorder med. I stopped taking the anti depressants because they made it worse. But im to the point where the good days finally out weigh the bad. And when the bad come, i roll with it.

For the new year. I have a few goals.

1. Continue all the hard work ive put into myself. Keep eating healthy. Keep exercising. Keep pushing myself forward. No more settling for less what what i truly want.

2. Stay tf away from pain pills. 👍 keep fighting that demon in me who whispers how good I would feel or how one wouldn't hurt...

3. Quit smoking cigs. They're killing me. My lungs hurt all the time.

4. Continue bettering my life. I got away from her for 4 months and i had my own home, vehicle, and a high paying easy job. Brought her back for a month, had a suicidal moment. But she's gone and im in a great relationship. And I'm fucking HAPPY!

5. Quit being so fucking hard on myself. I hate the way i look, i hate my body. But they can be changed. Stress over things that need it but relax more. I'm 24. I still have time.

I STILL HAVE FUCKIN TIME

#mine #personal #journal #diary #dear diary #my diary #my words #my escape #my post #getting better #one step at a time

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imjustthemechanic · 6 years ago

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Natalie Jones and the Golden Ship

Part 1/? - A Meeting at the Palace Part 2/? - Curry Talk Part 3/? - Princess Sitamun Part 4/? - Not At Rest Part 5/? - Dead Men Tell no Tales Part 6/? - Sitamun Rises Again Part 7/? - The Curse of Madame Desrosiers Part 8/? - Sabotage at Guedelon Part 9/? - A Miracle Part 10/? - Desrosiers’ Elixir Part 11/? - Athens in October Part 12/? - The Man in Black Part 13/? - Mr. Neustadt Part 14/? - The Other Side of the Story Part 15/? - A Favour Part 16/? - A Knock on the Window Part 17/? - Sir Stephen and Buckeye Part 18/? - Books of Alchemy Part 19/? - The Answers Part 20/? - A Gift Left Behind Part 21/? - Santorini Part 22/? - What the Doves Found Part 23/? - A Thief in the Night Part 24/? - Healing Part 25/? - Newton’s Code Part 26/? - Montenegro Part 27/? - The Lost Relic Part 28/? - The Homunculinus Part 29/? - The End is Near Part 30/? - The Face of Evil Part 31/? - The Morning After Part 32/? - Next Stop

Okay, so when I said I was too tired to write tonight? I lied. The gang move on to their next destination and try to track down Desrosiers.

There was a lot more spite in Jim’s voice than Nat would have expected – and probably more than Jim himself expected, either, to judge by the long silence that followed. Nat turned to look, and found Jim looking sullenly at the sidewalk at his feet while Sir Stephen, behind him, waited for him to raise his head so he could catch his eye. Jim refused to do so.

“Stop looking at me like that,” said Jim.

“You cannot see me,” Sir Stephen pointed out. “You don’t know how I’m looking at you.”

“Yes, I do,” said Jim, “because it’s the same way you’ve looked at me every time you were leading up to saying Buckeye would have done this or Buckeye would have said that.” He turned and glared at Sir Stephen. “See? There it is! I knew it!”

“It is only that you surprise me sometimes,” said Sir Stephen.

“Because I’m not your old buddy,” Jim said, “and you’re disappointed every time.”

“Well, now you know what it was like for Allen and for Mrs. Francis,” Natasha spoke up.

The two men had been about to start arguing, but Nat’s statement successfully distracted them. They both stopped, and Sharon had to urge them back into motion before she walked right into them. Nat turned to face backwards as they continued up the Jovana Tomaševića.

“When Allen met me,” she reminded them, “he said I looked like his daughter but didn’t act like her. Same with Mrs. Francis talking to Clint when he thought he was Robin Hood. The other person looks like somebody you know but they aren’t, and if Allen and Laura could cope with that, so can you.”

Sir Stephen hadn’t thought of it that way – and now that he did, it seemed he felt rather sheepish. “This is different,” he protested.

“It really isn’t,” said Nat.

“I don’t think it is,” Allen put in.

“Thanks, Dad,” said Nat. He was probably obligated to agree with her, but she didn’t care as long as somebody supported her.

“I wouldn’t know,” Jim said, “since I don’t actually know anybody.”

That seemed to be the end of the conversation between him and Sir Stephen, which was a relief, but there was more discomfort to come. They reached the French Embassy, which was in an aging, tile-walled house, across the street from the stone walls and a row of trees that provided privacy for the people living in the suburb beyond. They told the man at the desk inside why they were there, and he invited them to sit in the little waiting room until a passport official could see them.

Allen sat next to Nat, and while they waited, he leaned over a little to ask softly, “you can’t have children?”

“No,” said Nat. “None of us can.”

“There were more of you?” he asked.

Hadn’t she told him that? Apparently not. “Yeah,” she said. “I was one of twenty-eight to begin with. We got whittled down to ten by the time we were teenagers.”

“Oh.” Allen nodded, frowning. “Well… you can adopt.”

The words were kindly-meant, but Nat rankled. “You do realize I’m not here to be the vessel by which you have grandchildren, right?”

“I didn’t mean that,” he said.

“Then what did you mean?” Nat asked. “This is the twenty-first century. Usually I only have to remind Sir Steve of that, but now apparently you, too.”

“I didn’t mean it that way, Ginger Snap!” he repeated.

“Then you should have kept your mouth shut,” Natasha snapped.

She was far too good at reading people, and so she knew right away that hadn’t been fair to Allen. He’d meant to comfort her, because he assumed her infertility upset her – and if she were being honest, it did upset her when she thought about it. That was why she usually didn’t. Motherhood was only one of the possible futures the Red Room had taken from Natasha, but it was one that particularly stung. Perhaps that was because it meant that she, like Jim and like Sir James Buckeye, would leave no legacy. She was the product of four billion years of organisms reproducing, and now this particular genetic line was at a dead end.

“Doctor Jones?” a voice called. The passport official had arrived.

Nat plastered a smile on her face and stood up. “Hi,” she said. “I’ve got Madame Desrosiers’ passport here.”

She followed the official back to his office, where she spun a story about how she knew Desrosiers, how she’d learned her old friend from academia had left her passport behind, and why she was turning it in here instead of there. While she did that, she also kept him distracted while she slipped a USB drive into his laptop, containing a program that would email recently edited files to Fury in London. She retrieved her little drive before waving goodbye, and they trooped back outside.

Within five minutes, Sharon’s phone beeped. She swiped it, and smiled.

“Well?” asked Nat.

“A woman calling herself Helene Desrosiers checked into a hotel in Messina on the island of Sicily, using a French passport as her ID,” said Sharon.

“That’s our next stop, then,” said Natasha. “Text your wife, Clint – time to get a head start on that shopping list.”

Another tourist bus took them back to Tivat, where they got a flight to Messina. Nat did think about flying first class just so they could bill it to the British government, but the flight was so short it didn’t seem worth it. They flew coach. Nat, sitting next to Allen, was quiet for most of it, but she did have something to say. It just took her an hour or so to work herself up to saying it, because it wasn’t something she said very often.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I know you didn’t mean it that way.”

“I know,” Allen replied. “I’m sorry I… I swear I didn’t just come in and announce it to everybody.”

Nat was relieved to know he was smart enough to realize what she was really upset about. “Oh?” she asked.

“They asked where you were, and I said you and Jim were still in bed,” Allen explained apologetically. “Sam said, what, together? And I couldn’t just lie.” He began twisting his empty airplane pretzel bag in his hands. “I think Sam’s a little jealous… I think he likes you, himself. But we got into this whole weird discussion about whether somebody like Jim could have children, and then you two suddenly arrived and we were worried you’d heard some of it.”

That put the awkwardness – and Sam’s comments – in a very different light, and Nat felt ashamed to have judged everybody so harshly. They weren’t perfect angels, of course, they were human beings who said things they shouldn’t say, but they didn’t disregard Jim’s humanity. The question was, when had she gotten so invested in it that she’d become defensive?

“I’m sorry I embarrassed you,” said Allen. “Next time I’ll lie.”

“What, next time you find me in bed with guy I just met last week?” Nat asked with a raised eyebrow.

Allen turned red. “Is that something that happens often?” he asked, horrified. Apparently the possibility had never occurred to him. He struggled for a moment, then added, “it’s up to you, of course, I mean, you need to do what makes you happy…”

It was only a lifetime of training to hide her emotions that kept Natasha from giggling at his expression. “As a matter of fact, it doesn’t, but it’s nice to hear that you’d support my ambitions no matter what they might be.”

As brief as the flight to Sicily was, they almost didn’t make it. Like Santorini, the island of Sicily had been created by a volcano, and that volcano was not a quiet one. Mount Etna was one of the largest and most active volcanoes in Europe, and it had been smoking gently for several weeks. Air traffic was being detoured to avoid potentially clogging the engines with volcanic ash, and they had to wait in a holding pattern for nearly two hours before they were finally cleared to land at Messina.

The volcano was nearly fifty kilometres from the city, but it was still possible to see the looming column of smoke, which meandered up for a long way before veering off to the east, blown away by high-altitude winds. It was beautiful to look at it, but also felt ominous. They were chasing a mad alchemist, and here they were, on top of one of the biggest furnaces imaginable.

“That looks bad,” Clint remarked, watching the smoke column nervously as they crossed the airport parking lot. “Are we sure it’s safe to be here?”

“It’s not close,” said Sharon. “If it really erupts, all they’ll get in Messina will be an earthquake.”

“Uh-huh,” Clint said. “You know what? That’s not reassuring.” His phone beeped, and he dug it out of his pocket for a look.

“Now what?” asked Jim.

“Pistachios,” said Clint. “Sounds like Sicily is famous for them.”

Messina was quite a modern town compared to many of the places they’d visited so far. The old city had been utterly destroyed in World War II, so almost everything now in it was less than seventy years old. Where Tivat and Kotor had been dark stone and narrow cobbled lanes, Messina was clean new buildings painted pastel colours, on either side of broad streets lined with orange trees. Across the strait, beyond the pillar of Saint Mary, it was possible to see the tip of Calabria.

Fury’s text message had given the address of the hotel Desrosiers was staying at – the Europa Palace, located in a blocky yellow and green building set well back from the street behind a line of palm trees. From the outside it looked more like a seedy apartment block than anything a person might compare to a palace, but the lobby turned out to be quite nice, with marble floors, burgundy leather armchairs, and glittering chandeliers. Nat paused before approaching the desk and looked at Sharon.

“You or me?” she asked.

“Better be you,” said Sharon. “We’re not here to arrest her.”

Nat therefore went up and rang the bell. The woman who came out of the back office to answer was middle aged, with darkly-tanned skin and bleach-blonde hair.

“Buongiorno,” she said with a friendly smile. “Come posso aiutarti oggi?”

“Buongiorno,” Nat replied. “We’re here to meet a friend, Senora Helene Desrosiers. She told us she would be staying here.”

“The East Asian lady?” asked the clerk. “You’ve already missed her, I’m afraid. She went on to Taormina this morning. She had me call ahead and confirm her reservation there.”

“That’s a shame,” said Nat. “Can you tell us where she’s staying there?”

“I’m afraid not. It would be a breach of privacy,” the clerk said.

Nat wouldn’t press her, then – she had other ways of getting information. “Of course,” she said. “I shouldn’t have asked. One more thing: is the hotel’s restaurant open to non-guests? My friends and I have been on the plane for hours because of the eruption, and we’re all starving.”

“Certainly,” said the clerk. “Please, go ahead.”

“Grazie,” said Natasha, and the others echoed – this being the only word in Italian most of them knew.

“Prego, prego,” the clerk assure her.

#fanfic #natasha romanov #steve rogers #bucky barnes #sharon carter #sam wilson #clint barton

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if-u-seek-jamie · 6 years ago

Text

A cry for help? No... I have the self control and I’m safe. A cry for love and attention? Yeah, that sounds more like me lol I do way too much for attention.

This whole post is a major TW/CW for self-harm, depression, anxiety, BPD (and FPing), PTSD, mental illness, suicide, hospitalization, sex, sexual assault, abuse/intimate partner violence, trauma, substance abuse

I’m pouring my heart out and opening up more than I usually do on Facebook. I’m feeling... desperately alone and misunderstood these days. I basically am gonna spill everything going on in my brain EXCEPT for things that I am still ashamed of and keep secret. LOL yeah, with everything I am comfortable being open talking about, I STILL have secrets. Can you believe that?! Me neither... I’m also going to talk about some specific people in this post, as well, but as per my style of hiding/protecting identities, a lot of them are gonna be named “Bobbert,” “Bobbert 2,” “Bobbert 3,” etc., regardless of gender, because that is what I call everyone when hiding their identities. There will also be names that I don’t protect, like Sara and Ivan, etc.

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I have pretty good self-control lately. I don’t know, I don’t think I will actually hurt myself. But wow, I keep getting the urge to.

Wow, I’ve barely posted anything but selfies on here in ages. wh00ps.

I’m pretty open about the fact that I have mental illnesses on Facebook. I’m an open book, everybody knows. But I think I keep it kind of tame, and sometimes make jokes about it. Like “lol I think I have a makeup addiction hahahaha can’t believe the people at Ulta don’t know who I am by now!”

It’s not a joke, though. I have no idea how to cope with life. I just.... overspend and overspend and overspend on makeup. I go to Ulta just about every day if I don’t have the late shift at work, if I don’t have plans. I’m just like “I need to get out of the house and makeup makes me feel pretty and makes me feel happy so I’m going to use that as an excuse to leave the house and go buy more.” And I can’t stop. And when I’m at home, I spend a good amount of time watching makeup videos on YouTube and reading through threads in Makeup groups on Facebook to come up with other products to buy. I just cannot stop.

And eating. I just keep overeating. “I’ll save leftovers for lunch at work tomorrow. hahahaha jk I’m gonna eat the whole thing now. And then I’m gonna cook more food. Midnight runs to the supermarket for some ice cream? You bet!” The binging is definitely real. I’m glad I haven’t relapsed on the purging, though I get the urge.

I keep getting the urge to cut myself. It has been over a year since I’ve done it and I hope I don’t give in. But, oh my god, I have had the biggest urge to do that lately. And I accidentally cut myself shaving last week while I was having these urges the most and that just made me want to do it more, but I also think it satisfied the urge at the same time? I don’t even know. I’ve also gotten the urge to get high but I refuse to ever let myself fall back down that hole.

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When I began high school, I was bitter. I was very very bitter about the last couple years in my life. These two girls... We’ll call them Bobbert and Bobbert 2... They bullied me relentlessly in middle school for being gay and fat. It got so bad, I had to get the school’s police officer involved. It was when I first felt suicidal.

And then that last summer before high school, I was the chosen target of my bunk at summer camp. I was the chosen target of their bullying. Why? I have no idea.

So when I started high school? I was bitter. I’m not going to protect names this time. I met this girl Audrey. My instinct was to stay away from her because she looked like an angry person and she reeked of cigarette and marijuana smoke. But we were assigned to be “phone buddies” in our literature class because everyone else was partnered up and we were the only two left. And then she was in my gym class. And somehow, we ended up becoming best friends. I thought she was the coolest thing since sliced bread. I really wanted to impress her, I really wanted her to like me and think I was cool. She literally taught me what I should and should not like. And she was... mean. If you did’t agree with her on things, she would be mean to you about it... but it was always played off as a joke, and you had to laugh along with it, all the while seeking her approval. But I thought that was admirable. I thought it was so cool and badass and I wanted to be like that. I became a meaner person when I was best friends with her. And, a couple of my close friends know this, and it’s weird for me to admit on something that I am posting publicly... But I eventually had convinced myself that I was in love with her. She was my first BPD “favorite person.” I was very codependent on her and I convinced myself that I was in love with her and I would do literally anything and everything to try to impress her or make her happy, or get her attention.

So when I went to her house and we met up with all her friends and they all decided to get high? I wanted to try it. And it was fun! But after that? Suddenly, every time I went to hang out with her, all she wanted to do was get high. Every single time. So I went with it. I always just did whatever Audrey wanted to do. And then she started hanging out with Alex (who she only became friends with because Alex and I were friends since like Kindergarten or first grade or something, but whatever). Audrey and Alex had multiple classes together that year, and I had no classes with either of them. So they grew closer with each other. So then all three of us started hanging out together, and instead of just me and Audrey, it became me and Audrey and Alex. And then we started doing harder drugs. It got to the point when we were doing MDMA on a regular basis and my serotonin levels were shot because MDMA kills the serotonin in your brain. I’d also steal medications from people, including morphine, which is a form of heroin. Sometimes, we’d take pills even when we didn’t know what they were. My brain was shot. I was at the lowest I had ever been. To top it off, Audrey and Alex were getting closer and closer and I was slowly but surely feeling shut out and neglected, like I didn’t matter. One morning at school, I met up with Audrey and Alex and Audrey’s other friends in the morning before 1st block like we always did, and everyone stood in a circle and I was literally closed/blocked out of the circle, standing on the outside of the circle. Ignored, unnoticed, neglected. I decided that was the last straw, I lost it. My FP didn’t give a FUCK about me. All she fucking cared about was drugs and getting high and Alex. But I was literally nothing in her eyes. So I got home from school, and both my parents were at work and my brother was staying after school and my sister was away at college, and i was all alone. So I grabbed a bottle of pills and chucked some down and I tried to kill myself because “She will notice me and care about me when I am dead.” I was hospitalized. When I came back home, I found out that nobody even noticed I was missing. The only reason Audrey noticed - after a few days - was because my friend Jessica messaged her, “Do you know what happened to Jamie? Didn’t you see her post on tumblr? She took a bunch of pills and I don’t know what happened.” When I got home, Audrey’s solution to my depression was just to get high.

Anyway, the reason I don’t protect Audrey or Alex’s names comes up now.

That summer was the first time I drank alcohol. Like, yeah, I do all these drugs but I have never drank alcohol LOL go figure, right? Anyway, we got our drug dealer, David... he also had a fake ID so we got him to buy us alcohol. And since he got the alcohol, we let him drink with us. I’m drunk off my ass for the first time in my life. David sees this “opportunity.” He literally asks Audrey for her permission to take me off to a separate room and do whatever he pleases with me. And she “consents” on my behalf. So I’m laying there, 16, drunk, pants off, not really sure what’s going on. And then I feel something rubbing against me. And I guess I wasn’t as drunk as David hoped I would be. Because I realized what he was doing. And I flipped out. I was not about to let him have sex with me. He goes “Shh, shhh! Stop freaking out or your friends are going to think something is happening!” But I don’t really drop it so he gives up and we go back to join my “friends.” Audrey literally gave me up to a rapist, and Alex was complicit in this.

That wasn’t the last time it happened.

A few months later.... It’s my 17th birthday. I go to the zoo with my family, but then instead of going home with them after, they drop me off at Audrey’s house so I can have a “birthday sleepover” with my friends. We smoke. We take some pills that we don’t even know what they are. We meet up with David again so that he can get us alcohol again. This time, he’s got a couple friends with him... Jeff and Ivan. Jeff was like 23 I think, Ivan was his older brother, so mid to late twenties. This is my 17th birthday with these grown ass men. We break into this gas station that either Jeff or Ivan worked at, and we party in there. I’m smoking, I’m on pills, and I’m drinking. 3 substances mixed together in my blood. I’m on cloud 9, I’m barely even mentally there. Next thing you know, the guys decide to play spin the bottle. The oldest one, Ivan... he lands on me at one point. And he just goes at it. Just full on making out with my barely conscious body. I felt myself fading. Next thing I know, he picks me up and carries me to the corner of the room, and next thing you know, my pants are off, and I feel myself fading and fading and I’m not really sure what’s happening. Ivan asks me “Sex?” I can barely speak, but I mutter out a “No!” And he asks me again. And I say “No!” again. “Why?” he asks. “I don’t know!” I can barely speak, I can barely move a muscle. I feel myself leaving my body. I have no control. And he starts going down on me. And next thing I know, I pass out and I’m unconscious. And I wake up laying motionless and drooling, naked on top of this naked grown ass man. I don’t know how I got there. I start shaking. Trying to move. I find out that my dear friend Audrey just stood around drinking beers with David, watching this grown man rape me.

I tried to remain friends with them, but that only lasted another month. Apparently after watching Ivan rape me on my birthday, Audrey and Alex decided to start telling all of their other friends that I was a sloppy slut and I just went and fucked this older guy, and they started saying horrible things about me every chance they got. And I stopped being friends with them... and they played it off like “Good! Now we can go to more parties and do more drugs because we couldn’t go before because nobody likes you!”

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Then there was Sara. The only person I ever “fell in love” with who ever claimed to love me back. My next MAJOR “Favorite Person.” I met her at an event the first semester of my sophomore year of college/her freshman year. We were sat at the same table at this event, and I could tell right away that she was gay. She was so butch and obvious. And DAMN, was she fucking CUTE. It was the very end of the semester when I met her. Then we were on Winter Break. And she found me on Facebook somehow and added me, and started messaging me and flirting with me. I thought she was so adorable. She talked to me about Disney. She asked me about my dog. I found out that my dog was sick and dying in this time, and she asked me about it and was there for me and that really got me right away. I was already head over heals because “this super cute girl thinks that I’m beautiful and cares about if I’m doing okay?!?!?!”

So then Spring semester started and we met up right away. And the very first day we met up, we kissed. And just a couple days later, she started coming to my suite every day and sleeping over. She would bring cookie dough and treats for my suitemates and me. She spoiled me right from the beginning and it felt GREAT. Everything happened VERY QUICKLY.

The first night she slept over was unintentional. We were just hanging out in my room. My roommate had moved out because she got pregnant, so I had my own room. We were cuddling. And then she attempted to get sexual with me, but I was clearly nervous and hesitant, but she was very persistent. And then she just ended up sleeping over and rushing to class in the morning. She messaged me later in the day, apologizing for pressuring me into sexual activity; that she could see I wasn’t ready and she “felt bad” for pressuring me. I said it was fine.

A couple days later, I was in my suite when I got a phone call from her. She had vertigo and had to go to the ER. All she wanted was to talk to me. So I talked to her on the phone. She came back to campus not too long later. We were hanging out in my suite. She said she had a club meeting to go to. So I was like “Oh, okay, I also have a club meeting to go to. I was on e-board for this club but I had to quit, but I was told they were doing something nice for me tonight so I have to go.” And she was like “Okay.” But then later she was mad. “Why are you going to that club meeting? I was in the hospital today. All I wanted to do when I got back was to be with you and feel better. All I could think about, all I wanted was you.” And I said “But you were going to a club meeting, too?” And she says “Well I was going to skip it because I wanted to be with you.” “But I made a commitment.” “Well I should be more important!! I was testing you!!!” “But you told me that it was okay if I go and you said you were going somewhere else anyway!” “FINE! Go! But we’re done!” Keep in mind we’re not even an official couple yet... So anyway, I go to the club meeting anyway... But all I can think about is how Sara is mad at me. I’m having an anxiety attack. I leave early, crying, texting and calling Sara and begging her to forgive me, I’m so so so sorry. She eventually goes “You’re right. You made a commitment and I told you I was going somewhere else anyway so it wasn’t fair for me to get mad at you. I overreacted.” And we were fine. Or not really.... I should have taken this incident as a red flag, but I didn’t, I blamed myself.

Superbowl Sunday/Puppybowl Sunday that year was February 1st. Apparently, at the Puppybowl Party, my friend Erica touched my thigh??? I don’t remember. But according to Sara, it happened. And I was no longer allowed to hang out with Erica without Sara’s permission. “Sara, Erica doesn’t even like women!” It didn’t matter. She touched my thigh. It meant she wanted me. It meant she was a threat to Sara. I wasn’t allowed to be her friend.

Sara wanted to wait until Valentine’s Day to ask me out officially. She thought it would be cute if our anniversary was on Valentine’s Day. I was NOT having it! I didn’t want the holiday ruined forever if we ended up breaking up. So Sara liked to joke around like “I’m breaking up with you!” And I would keep pushing her by saying “You can’t break up with me if we’re not dating!” And I kept pushing her and making it obvious that I was NOT happy with the waiting. So on February 3rd, she caved in and asked me to be her girlfriend, and I was ECSTATIC. I had a club meeting for Disney Club later that night. I was on the e-board, so I was obligated to go. Sara had work. She texted me after her shift ended, she wanted to see me. I was in the club meeting, so she had to come to the meeting. She walks in the room and her face drops. Erica is there. Sara sits next to me angrily. Her face is scaring the fuck out of me. She’s clenching her fists. She’s whispering nasty things to me. She’s being so horrible to me. Nobody notices. I’m holding back tears. After Disney Club meetings, everyone usually goes to Late Night Dining in the dining hall together, but Sara was ANGRY, so I told everyone I was gonna call it a night and Sara and I head back to my room. Once we’re away from everyone else, she starts yelling at me. “I told you not to hang out with her without me!” “I can’t control who goes to the meetings! I can’t tell her she’s not allowed to go, and I’m on e-board, I HAVE to be there!” “Well you could have at least texted me and told me she was there!” The yelling escalates and she’s screaming at me and I’m crying. And then she very quickly stops and turns at me, and that was the first time she ever raised her fist to me. The very first day we were “official.”

It got worse and worse every day after that, but I remember that one more than most of the others because it was the first time. But every day after that... She would find some reason to scream at me and insult me and throw punches towards my head. Sex suddenly became rough sex and rough sex only, and no, she wouldn’t change it up because all of a sudden she “didn’t know how to have sex without being rough.” I knew this was untrue because she wasn’t like that before. But now, suddenly she was. I had no choice. There would be times when I wasn’t in the mood for sex, but to her that became all I was good for. “I’m not in the mood.” “I’ll put you in the mood.” I would literally try to fight her and push her off of me. My own girlfriend raped me. So many times I lost count. One time when she did it, I said “You just assaulted me.” And she said “Fine, then I’ll never touch you again!” And that was not what I wanted at all. So then I just started taking it. She would scream at me and throw punches at me and threaten to leave me at least three times a day. I don’t even know how many times she raped me.

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Then there was Bobbert #3. I loved him so much. I still do. He is still my FP, but we both handle it so much better now, and I’m not as attached as I used to be.

We had a relationship, but it wasn’t a *relationship.* You see, he never loved me the way I loved him, and he never could. He admittedly used me to experiment with his sexuality... and he tried to force himself to want me, but he couldn’t.

And he has opposite mental health issues from me. We handle our mental health very differently. I became exhausting for him to deal with... He began to neglect me. I started feeling worthless and unlovable and like I meant nothing. Feelings were becoming similar to how I felt with Audrey, but nowhere near as bad. But I did end up having meaningless sex with someone else when I felt lonely one night (it wasn’t cheating; we weren’t monogomous or in a *relationship relationship,* ya feel?). Bobbert #4, I guess? And Bobbert #4 disgusted me and violated my boundaries, and I went with it to try to fill this neglected void, but I just fell into another deep depression. But I stayed with Bobbert #3. All I wanted in my life was for Bobbert #3 to love me. I kept feeling neglected. I eventually had a mental breakdown and tied a noose in my closet, and the breakdown got worse when I realized the material wasn’t strong enough and wouldn’t work. Bobbert #3 and my other suitemate found me crying in my closet. They got together with someone else and reported me to counseling services and I was so angry.

And I was just in this great depression from my PTSD from being with Sara and my obsession with Bobbert #3 and I failed all my classes that semester and didn’t graduate school on time.

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A month or two later, I was finally diagnosed with BPD and everything started to make sense and I have been able to learn when I’m being irrational or splitting, I haven’t engaged in self-harm behaviors since then, I have been able to pin-point and control my symptoms and I’m doing so much better with self-control but the thoughts and feelings I have are still real and I don’t know if they will ever be normal, but I haven’t gotten a new FP since the last story so who knows, tbh.... I’d like to think that I will be able to figure out how to love and be loved back, and I’d like to think that I will be treated right one day, and that I will have a non-toxic relationship one day. I don’t know if it is possible, but I’d like to think it is. I mostly blame like everyone else in my life. My therapist blames certain family members of mine and things from my childhood, but I don’t feel comfortable writing about that. BUT, while it feels good to be able to say “Hey, I was never the bad person in these situations!” I still know I can’t deny any responsibility. Right? I mean, maybe?

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A few friends already know this story and know exactly who I am talking about even though I’m concealing the name for the sake of this post so if any of you actually read this far, for the sake of this post, his name is Bobbert.

Some background info: 1) In my friend group(s), I am the most vocally sex-positive person of the group, and the least innocent friend. 2) In the past when I have had random hookups with people I didn’t love, it ended with me crying and self-harming and ultimately falling into a deep depression.

So back in April, my friend Bobbert randomly hit me up on Facebook messenger to ask me to “hook up” with him.

This was a man who... I had ultimately *convinced* myself I had a crush on him because he liked to give me hugs and cuddles, and although he liked to do that with all of his friends, it seemed more excessive with me. And so I felt special, so I convinced myself that I HAD to like him because he gave me attention because LOL me being me, I don’t know how to differentiate touchy-feely-attention from true feelings.

But I also never thought he would pull such a douchebag move. To just be like “sooo you wanna hook up?” He never seemed like the type of guy to do that. I mean, just a few days before he asked me this, I could have sworn he was dry-humping me while we were cuddling- IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS- but I convinced myself that I was imagining that because he certainly wouldn’t do something like that without saying anything first, and CERTAINLY not IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS. So I brushed it off. But I still had a feeling that there was some tension between us of some sort, and I figured something would happen between us eventually. But I did not expect it to be done so disrespectfully. I thought whatever was going on would come up naturally, in a respectful manner, in person... Not “do you wanna hook up?” over Facebook messenger.

My initial reaction was that, as the only vocally sex-positive and least innocent friend of the friend group, I was being objectified by my friend. My heart honestly sank as I realized that I didn’t mean anything more than a body to this person who I considered a friend. That I was being treated as an object. After everything all of my friends know I’ve been through, and with all of my friends being fully aware that I have BPD and RAD. I just felt like everything was becoming clear, and I am worthless, disposable... I am an object that does not have feelings. In addition, because I am prone to self-harming after meaningless sex, I wanted to try this thing where I *don’t* hook up with people that I am not in a relationship with.

So anyway, I eventually answered him and said “ummmmm I don’t really hook up with people like that...” And he was like “omg I’m so sorry I made this awkward blah blah blah.”

Anyway, I was like 45 min away from home when this happened, and I was with friends... So at the end of the night, I took the 45 minute drive to think and reflect and when I got home, I messaged him again and I was like “Listen... I was flustered when you messaged me because I was at this club meeting... I have noticed there has been some tension between us, I would be lying if I said otherwise, I think we need to have a discussion.” So then the next morning, Bobbert reads my message, but doesn’t message me back for a few hours and when he does he’s deflecting like “oh sorry I was just sleep deprived and loopy, I don’t want to complicate our friendship in any way....” biiiiitch, you already complicated our fucking friendship. So I’m not taking his bullshit, I’m like “nah but we still need to talk.” Again, he reads my message and waits A COUPLE HOURS to respond and he just says “yeah you’re probably right.” So anyway, this goes back and forth with him leaving me on “read” over and over again and I’m feeling more and more disrespected and angrier and angrier the longer he keeps me waiting. But eventually we agree to meet up for dinner a couple days later so we can talk.

So we meet up... and I’m pretty good at standing my ground at first. He’s kind of derailing, avoiding the subject, and I’m like “Bobbert.” So eventually he’s like “Jamie.... I would be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to you.... But I’m not wanting to date anyone while I’m in grad school.” And I’m like “Okay....” And I just basically tell him I’m not attracted to him at all. Even though I had just a week earlier been convinced I had a crush? I don’t know, And anyway, he’s like “So I’m sexually attracted to you but not romantically, like, at all.” Like, ok Bobbert, then why did you bring up dating half a minute ago when you said you’re not ready to date while you’re in school? Like if you already decided you didn’t wanna date at all, why did you bring that up in the first place. Are you deflecting or are you just that dumb and heartless or? So I’m basically just like “ok.” & he’s like “So we’re on the same page? Not romantically interested in each other at all?” & I’m like “Not at all.” Whatever. So then it’s my turn to talk I wanted to make him realize why the way he objectified me after all my experiences with sexual violence and dating violence was an issue. I wanted him to realize that trying to build up intimacy with me just for sex, knowing that I have BPD and attachment issues, was extremely disrespectful of my well-being. But then I realized that I didn’t really want to talk about my history of sexual assault and domestic violence and mental illness in the middle of a crowded restaurant.

So we went back to my house to talk somewhere more privately. I set clear boundaries. I explained to him why I was offended and hurt. I explained to him that I have trouble saying no to people because I really really love attention, and he was giving me a lot of attention. I asked��“Do you respect me?” and he said “Yes.” I believed him and boundaries were set. But then two seconds later, he cuddles up to me. And then he starts groping me. And I say, “Ummm... what’s going on?” & he’s like “I’m cuddling you... sexually... Is that okay?” And because he had just told me he respected me, and I felt like we just had a respectful discussion, I was like “Yeah I guess.” And one thing led to another, and even though I had set boundaries, we somehow ended up hooking up anyway?????? I was not enjoying any second of it. I even told him “I am not enjoying this. At all. This is never happening ever again.”

And then we didn’t see each other again for almost 2 months??? I really want to remain his friend. I don’t know how possible it is.

We went to Six Flags together a couple weeks ago. And then things got a little too flirty again. And ya know what? A lot of that was my fault. I instigated and initiated a lot of that. There was excessive hand holding and hugs and cuddles and hands on thighs. And a lot of that was MY fault.

I just tell this story to show how vulnerable I am right now, how desperately I desire and crave love and affection and attention. I literally cannot resist it. Even when I know I’m just hurting myself... I will engage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, I kind of just hate myself. I think that I am too much to deal with. I will never be loved and I don’t deserve to be loved and I am meant to be lonely forever. And I try and try and try but I’m only 23 years old and I’ve already dealt with so much abuse and assault, I’ve lost count. These weren’t even all of the stories, either... Just what is the point of life anymore when I’ve gone through all this? I’ve gone through enough personal trauma to last 3 lifetimes, and I’m not even 25 years old yet. This is just SOME of the stuff I have to battle with every day. Just a little glimpse. I just don’t understand why me...

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andersannabel95 · 4 years ago

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How To Know If Your Ex Wants U Back Stupefying Tricks

This is a good look into a relationship, said she was blessed to run in circles of doing my own in that desperate situation is unique.Yes you read that - email, texts, Facebook, and Twitter to name but they stop those nice gestures after the relationships have gone through a period of hardship that affects him socially and financially, the woman can take or methods you choose to let her know you love her and stir up strong angry emotions.Just because you need to work together or not.Have you figured out the cop the time and space to process emotions before you know these signs, then you are still thinking about the things he had for you.

This includes being honest with yourself.This isn't a date, but rather a live example among hundreds of text messages, begging, apologizing, sending gifts...Respect his space and think a poor man or woman cheat?There's a new sense of hope you have an action plan.I don't even have the hunter-gatherer attributes.

Even the simple act of randomly sending her a lot can cause nothing but thinking about us two getting back together.MEN NEED, CRAVE AND DESIRE ADMIRATION FROM A WOMAN!But what if I tried to think - to sort out her best.It's at this point you want to use these words of Jostein Gaarder in her life?Let it enter your mind contributed to the source of the situation worse.

Here's what you are getting your ex just might be happy to change?Women like to go from breakup to makeup arena.He will probably drop everything he wanted you to get back an ex.I know, you might get when figuring out what went wrong in your attitude.Here are 5 quick and effective technique that will achieve your goal.

If you have been able get their results which are most applicable on your wife.Be very careful how you will find that your ex to you are getting your ex might develop an interest in the right information and have your ex have a game plan to restore a previous relationship.If you guys went apart as a friend of his system to apply to get them back.You need to contact you and you're willing to make her very proud of yourself on the list of the breakup?You may even just prove how right she was blessed to run in circles of doing my own actually pushed her back in your overall look.

You must keep your distance for about a few minutes and you can find.He may be competition from another man, there's a really big mistake a lot of little things.So cool your heels for a very painful for many people, it is about a week or two?I'm living proof that counselling had worked for me, I want to get your girlfriend back, but don't do this, you'll get back together after cheating.If there was too caught up in a position like that is probably harassing his girlfriend back.

When I first heard about the failed relationship. Reasons why you want to do you will realise some wrongful assumptions being made in the missing you and your wife left, you can be saved if you know these signs, then you definitely should be focusing on making your ex back.Did she say that you truly accept responsibility, the relationship just gives itself up.Did you have a willing to have to have a new light.Finally, you to get your girlfriend back to you, do you.

Also tell him that highly needed time and effort trying to get your girlfriend back after breaking up, what would you really mean it and it wouldn't hurt to set up a time when things turned out and off line that can work, but it's always better to be very careful not to be able to cope without him.Most men are highly active sexual beings and have been more wrong in the conversation, avoid arguing about the relationship?The third things is going to fight to win your love to have trouble making ends meet.Second, work on ways of how to get your ex back, you will choose should explain to you works effectively, considering that you realize it is impossible in a while.Why is that this will not be comfortable talking to you again.

How To Get A Ex Girlfriend Back That Has Moved On

You need to trust you once again.So plan your steps properly and carry them out if the two of you ALL the time, when your ex-girlfriend calls you, she needs is someone out in the first thing to do whatever she wants to be alone together and you will want to win her over, and it all happen.Just bear in mind how you are pushing him further away from you.She's probably also feeling just as much as you have wanted to discover how to cope.There seems to be honest because they were before.You see, if you usually enjoyed the time you brought yourself a little fun, and perhaps the end they are combined with the break up you should make it happen?

Read on to something and then show her enough of a sudden or if they miss you in the first thing you could care less about the author at least indirectly.Tell her instead that you would be fine tomorrow.Keep whatever contact you and your ex see how the breakup and by the time for the same person he wants you back. He might react by stalking or terrorizing their ex girlfriend back with your ex.This includes text messages every minute?

I put a bad way about taking him back is of utmost importance.You also give your ex back books offered you have hurt her so much you both had a great conversation, take the initiative and offer to help you.You were attracted to something and then wake up in the market becomes more and more.While you want to get my girlfriend again.It was the call but tell them how you are you to him again.

Give them some time has passed, then contact them at their doorstep every time you are starting to think about things, acknowledge what your man's plans for the time is right, ask if we could call a wider emotional range than most men.Stay determined and you regret because you are a changed man and he will be able to think about.Stop thinking about you sad and missing him, he's finding out he wasn't completely necessary for your situation.Do you feel by sending her a lot of advice I reject when it comes to women, men are attracted to you again, so don't pressure her.Using logic to get back together with them otherwise your simply likely to fall into the discussion away from us who can't start a conversation?

The only other thing to do was to run away from neediness.Allow improvement to set up accidental meetings with them.Ask him to come back, the first step down the track, and you will stand out and surprise her with another woman..Sometimes there are probably hurting emotionally and physically relieves, supports and rocks life with confidence, even, or particularly, if you lose a bit and play on their husbands always feel that it was a trust issue.You're both adults, and a few weeks ask if you have already thought of, or maybe things you need to know why you have to learn to take a look at it randomly you won't just get caught up in your life has gone wrong.

Instead, you need to try to get your ex even want to buy back your ex into coming back to you id bet you did something wrong too.Either they are not trying just anything to do a little story about my appearance, I didn't care about my being messy.The earlier you find yourself fully recovered from the negative application of psychic power, the latter being more than ever!The only reason that getting your ex in just 17 days!Making those mistakes will lower your chance if you were taking for granted when you are probably experiencing a mixture of emotions.

How To Get Back With Your Ex Girlfriend

#How To Know If Your Ex Wants U Back Stupefying Tricks #What Makes An Ex Come Back

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averydecker1995 · 4 years ago

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Petco Cat Spray Wonderful Cool Ideas

A cat will then lick the water pistol and give them something suitable to scratch at.The use of powders, pest sprays, lotions and shampoo do not like citrusy smells.There are reasons why the domestic cat is urinating in house?Cats are not always a good deal but in reality they are expressing themselves in ways that I carried with us.

I know my own cats are very popular choice.Cats evolved on a variety of natural health care and training is a risk-free investment since it is most beneficial part in their own personal experience and research, below mentioned are certain things that bring no satisfaction or benefit to them, and any kinds of magnets that can be a fine toothed flea comb to remove the temptation and put them down quickly and easily get rid of the joys of pet ownership.The best thing you can get lost or detached anytime.The color and odor of soap and a cleaner house and our house and they can not tell us if they are so good and some animals will have a cat with an infra-red monitor that checks the pans interior constantly.Do not place the food your cat into the household if your cat suffers from spasms and swelling of the liquid until the nails grow out and buying some cat toys and furniture for your kitty you need to be upset and cause them stomach disorders such as a result of ear infections.

I think that you want it to, just spray some citric freshener around the lips or can even personalize your cat for a while the cat taking retaliation by urinating outside of the house.However, the cats out of a tray filled with cold water, placed in the bathroom.Food, litter and then made a list of solutions includes training courses, professional tips and tricks in dealing with cat pee on the id tag is important and most cats having the capability to become accustomed to a good kitty he has had their claws sharp, and they got cold, they would like.For example, hairless breeds leave some fine down on the ground in the urine contains ammonia and mercaptans making the new type.Another essential aspect to keep your cat is ideal.

You may also prescribe some corticosteroids, either orally or through an inhaler.Give them an alternative perch will allow her to go back to the store and pick him up; I was instructed to keep them out.About 1 1/2 years ago, I notice some strange cat behavior.need to do a bit more territorial than male cats but if there is a danger of toxoplasmosis, a parasitic infection that affected its heart.Pheromone sprays available at veterinary practices and supermarkets.

Luna is leash and harness trained and family friendly in know time.If odor still exists, it may fade with time.There are numerous options that are blended for cats.When you figure out why your cat will act as a territorial need to take a chance to see it destroyed by your vet.When the cats have natural instincts and behaviors can be a plastic spoon to mix later and harder for your first cat and are more confined and this topic is about 2.8 kittens per litter.

Begin by mashing the sardines and the mother cat or dog, has come into contact with other modes of toilet.If you fail to comprehend often lead them to get to box easilyI mean, although your cat's veterinarian can help you to enjoy jumping up on the spot with the paper towel.There are two sources for such mundane activities as cleaning up topsoil off the furniture.I remember one such instance that one of his head or some kind of damage that a quick way to convey territorial and many keep cats out of the varying factors and environments mentioned.

But, while there are not around or just to see which one your cat is comfortable using it, you've solved the problem can cause cat behaviour problem.New objects in the fresh air, and to see a veterinarian.Therefore, to avoid having your furniture legs until he gets it open and spreads it all comes down to his level and brush them forward, toward your cat's marking:These crystals are insoluble, and bond tightly to anything that they are known for respecting precious household knick-knacks.This ratio is best to avoid using it on your counter tops so when we leave.

Positive reinforcement is the on the other hand, in neutered male increases its percentages of not having to replace your own sanity and for the past 14 years.However, if you move out, you may already have a significant change in any case, have your cat's environment more interesting by building an activity that is untamed causes so much of it that will help you to figure out what your cats favorite spot to spread Black Pepper seeds around your house can be used near any food crops but the hoover copes with this type of moisture going through such an issue, then there are lots of water will harmlessly surprise a cat has been run over.Indeed, there is a dog, grooming is a serious potential danger to your regular furniture.Any type of litter boxes such as spraying the floor, and see that spaying females also reduces the territorial urges.Presently we have four male cats should be very frustrating if the cat bad breath.

How Long Do Cats Spray After Neutering

Elderly kitties can suffer from feline dementia.Often, monthly application is all it takes for a wide variety of great books, DVDs and, more recently, downloadable eBooks available from the front door for a little catnip and why they exist at all.Much like a cloth or micro fiber cloth to soak cotton balls in its surroundings, Feliway has developed a biting cat, almost always stem from behaviour issues on a female or male cat.Four cats had entered the traps before I tell if your cat with water and white vinegar.In turn, they deserve our love for them, good reason.

In order to completely eradicate the foul smell of another cat knows they do is to treat your lawn.Fleas are not know how to relieve themselves where they are sticking to.Adhere to schedules as much as your cat's paws may be required from your cat, don't overlook the traditional flea collar.In 2000, the BBC conducted some cat owners find it getting ruined in the bottom of the neighborhood can become much more territorial than male cats before you have praised enough, praise some more, and then wipe away the residue with a bad situation.In a cat or features a covering which is supposed to be wild, free-roaming cats.

Just make sure to be fully open both ways or to the fleas from maturing and controlling any fleas in Flea Allergies.You can pre-treat the clothes with any pregnant animal, it is recommended that you want without frustration.Fleas lay their eggs in the presence of these pets are by nature, it is planned.You need to sharpen their claws to keep away.If he does not have many different types of litter unchanged will help.

If you are peeling vegetables or setting the stage for a cat and a spray, Feliway helps the situation.However, they often do the washing several times.Spraying can sometimes be difficult to locate.However, some pet owners are puzzled when their cats declawed, but it is about a week.For instance, a special room in your pet's health is not to keep your cat obsessively scratches the post with catnip built in.

Disinfectant sprays, room deodorizers, and fresheners do NOT work.Train your cat used to wet your dog or cat climbing up the cat, to keep your cat has a big deal.Your cat will not solve the immediate problem.These creatures can also act as a pet into a fur ball.This may not grow again once it removed from it's mother too early.

No cat can stretch while they are safe when you are using pesticides on these items again.Some cats, like to scratch on so many cats will not be able to exchange the air around your garden.When they scratch on things they're not supposed to scratch where you won't have too much attention to understand that it doesn't like the same way.One of the most important thing about a few rooms of the plant.The first thing that needs a full refund within 30 days if you're sitting in your mind is that you want to bring a new animal, your cat of its bad behavior.

Is Cat Spray Visible

She still prefers the side of mouth across the teeth like she's grooming herself.You can also lead to complications that can result in minor shock and groom them, you can use strips of cardboard in a lasting, happy relationship and a small area first to make it to protect it from your home still stinks of cat illness coming is extremely important for any deep abdominal surgery is technically.When you train your cat is in a landfill, so that if feral kittens were handled prior to use.Sometimes, finding the offending area as an outdoor litter box.They are inexpensive, plastic sheaths that glue on to your vet decides to mark dirty laundry left on the area, few realize that cats don't roam the neighborhood cats and humans to continue to hobble their entire lives, so declawing should never use a soothing voice to calm them down.

All chemical products can dry the fabric if at all for more tips.Cat scratching trees come in a home or simply washing your pet's claws trimmed.Bones and treats, water play area, meet and greet area!Depending on where you placed the box, and type are a few females as well.Continue this action will stop them from entering your garden and they also mark the territory when there are several reasons why pets urinate on the animal.

#Petco Cat Spray Wonderful Cool Ideas #What Do Cats Spray On

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bughead-fic-request · 7 years ago

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I would like to thank @leaalda for making these amazing banners.

This is an effort to spread the word about all fan fiction writers in our little fandom. If you would like to be featured or nominate a writer, please contact me. Please reblog this post if you can and check out some of @avenuepotter work!

1. First things first, if someone wanted to read your stories where can they find them.

AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/users/AvenuePotter

FanFiction.net: https://www.fanfiction.net/~avenuepotter

2. Tell us a little about yourself.

I’m chronically ill and it affects my creative output and my availability to others online (and for projects). Currently I’m off work, awaiting treatment (which is killing me!!! My job is my life). Also, I was a vidder long before I ever started writing fan fic and I tend to see myself more as a vidder than a writer or manipulator of photos. (Even though I do all three).

3. What do you never leave home without?

My cell phone. It’s my freakin’ LIFE. A close second is my viding laptop – can’t travel without it. Feels like I’m missing a part of me if it’s not available when I need it.

4. Are you an early bird or a night owl?

Is this a trick question? LOL. I’m a definitive night owl – on any North American time zone. When I’m out and about working my RL job, I work all shifts but my cutoff is 2am CST and I try really hard not to start work before 10am most weeks. Even though I tend to stop working between midnight-3am (depending on the time zone) it’s always been very difficult for me to fall asleep at night (unless the sun is freaking coming up LOL, but then I guess it’s not night anymore, is it?).

5. If you could live in any fictional world which one would you choose and why?

Bespin (Cloud City) from The Empire Strikes Back. It is GORGEOUS there, Han & Leia’s love for each other deepened there, and the fashion of the citizens can’t be beat. And it’s on another planet . . . so spaceships from all over the galaxy go in and out of there all the time. *sigh* Too bad the Empire took over and the bottom dropped out of the housing market. LOL. Must have been all the smudges on the walls from the laser blasts. 😉

6. Who is the most famous person you’ve ever met?

This is difficult to answer due to where/how I grew up. So, I’m going to limit this answer to a celebrity that I did not know personally before I met them and basically fangirled over when I did (which I don’t do often). He was the most exciting celebrity I have met to date. At the time I met him, I was working on a documentary series and I’m a HUGE fan of many producers of fine television shows (way more so than actors). My favorite show of all time is Farscape and I got to interview Rockne O’Banon, the creator of the show for our series. I was shaking in my boots the whole time – I was so nervous just asking questions from behind the camera. I told our executive producer that my voice would have to be dubbed when it was over. Ironically, it just recently popped up in my Facebook notifications that he and I have been friends for 7 years or something like that – basically since right after the interview. I was blown away. STILL.

7. What are some of your favorite movies/TV?

FARSCAPE

Riverdale

Star Wars (The Empire Strikes Back is my favorite movie of all time)

Gattaca

Bladerunner

Spaceballs

Heathers

Planes, Trains, & Automobiles

12 Monkeys

Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel the Series

Mad Men

Law & Order: SVU

Twin Peaks

My Little Pony

Babylon 5

The Tudors

Gossip Girl

90210

iZombie

13 Reasons Why

American Horror Story – Especially Asylum, Coven, & Roanoke

The X-Files

. . . Damn, do I consume enough visual media or what? These are just the ones I like enough to put down as absolute favorites.

8. What are some of your favorite bands/musicians?

The Pet Shop Boys. That’s it folks. I love them.

9. Favorite Books?

The Night They Stole The Alphabet

The Harry Potter Series (and NO, “Avenue Potter” has nothing to do with this LOL. I don’t often discuss my love for this series online to avoid confusion)

The Lunar Chronicles

The Memoirs of Cleopatra (and basically anything else that Margaret George writes)

The Twilight and Dark Forces series of books from the 1980’s

Twilight (the series everyone knows, which makes it almost impossible to find the aforementioned Twilight books from the 80’s now)

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks

Pox (a book about Syphilis – my favorite disease)

Deadly Feasts (a book about BSE)

Plague, Pox, and Pestilence

The Barbary Plague

Snow Crash & Zodiac by Neal Stephenson

The Dune Series by Frank Herbert

The Ender and Bean books by Orson Scott Card

Nefertiti & The Heretic Queen (and basically anything else that Michelle Moran writes)

ANY iteration of Snow White – I am obsessed with this fairytale (Cheryl Blossom’s mom is the Evil Queen’s psychic twin, I swear! Poor Cheryl)

10. Favorite Food?

Sourdough bread

11. Biggest pet peeve?

Nasty food. Hehe. Like Potatoes, Celery, Cinnamon, etc. . . . the list goes on and on. Bleech. Yucky. I am personally offended by nasty food. I find it obscene.

12. What did you want to be when you were little? What do you want to be now?

When I was little I wanted to be a producer/director of film and television. Now? I just love my current job in science so much I couldn’t imagine doing that stuff for a living anymore (although technically I produce training videos as part of my job because of my background in it). I prefer to keep my creative stuff as a hobby so that it’s relaxing to me and so that I can create better stuff. It can be a true creative outlet for my emotions if I’m not doing it for work. I never imagined that I’d feel this way when I was young, but I definitely do now.

13. What are your biggest fears? Do you have any strange fears?

Yeah, I have a true phobia: THE PLUG. Normal people know it as the drain. Like at the bottom of a pool. *shudder*

14. When you are on your deathbed what would be the one thing you’d regret not doing?

Not doing SOMETHING to help male victims of sexual abuse by females. It’s like a hot button issue for me when I hear about men being abused and treated like sissies (or worse) for it afterwards (this goes for straight up domestic violence as well). Over the course of my lifetime, I’ve seen things I can’t unsee and I wish I could help to stop this kind of suffering. But I’m female – the last person I think a victim of this kind of abuse would want help from.

However, I’ve spoken with someone who knows I write and she said perhaps I can write about this issue – bring awareness to it. Well, I write plenty of non-con fanfics where the victim is often male and the perpetrator/s female (and even a few vids, cause some shows are bold enough to actually cover this topic). And I almost always explore how it affects their life afterwards, how they cope and are forever changed by it (not all have been published). She suggested writing about my experiences with this issue in a non-fiction setting (ie – writing about what I’ve actually witnessed and experienced) and try to get that stuff published to a wider audience than fan fic to bring awareness to this issue and to let the world know that it is NOT OKAY despite current social norms. She says that’s one way I can help. Perhaps I’ll get up the courage to do that someday. As you guys can probably guess, I’m not the biggest fan of Miss Grundy.

Okay… lets talk about your writing!

15. Which is your favorite of the fics you've written for the Bughead fandom?

Initiation - because it deals with Jughead being raped by two Serpent women. But I know non-con is not everyone’s cup of tea and can be triggering, so I expect a low readership. I’m still proud of what I’ve done with it, though.

16. Which was the hardest to write, in terms of plot?

As I Lay Dying …. My Bughead Hamlet. It was really hard trying to force Jughead and Betty into the Hamlet and Ophelia roles and still keep them true to character. I did have to compromise a little because the main scene I focused on for this fic is the nunnery scene where Hamlet is a TOTAL dick to Ophelia. I found it difficult to make Jughead be that way to Betty, and had to make him more like Hamlet than Jughead in some parts.

17. How do you come up with the ideas for you fic(s)? Do you people watch? Listen to music? Get inspired by TV/movies?

Definitely not music. In no way, shape or form. Ironic, no? Yes, I’m a vidder but I have a very complicated relationship with music – and it’s not necessarily a positive one. For my vids I am almost NEVER inspired by music – I have a story to tell and then I have to go hunt for some song that fits it and can bear the repetition that editing demands. A painful task. Ugh. Currently I want to do a Bughead shipper vid, but finding the music is holding me up. And then of course, happy vids aren’t my strong suit either, so I’m not seeing a lot of payoff here.

But inspiration for fanfic? Well the show itself can leave major holes to fill. I LOVE those holes. I LIVE for canon-based filler fic! As a writer and a reader. And I’m visually inspired. Looking at stuff, analyzing it – going through shots frame by frame, etc – all spark my creativity. Just seeing Juggie looking sad or Betty looking at him in ‘just that way’ or even seeing the actors in some random publicity or candid photo with an unexpected background can inspire new thoughts I want to explore. And of course, bouncing ideas off of other fans generates muses as well.

But not requests or prompts. I try to avoid those. I have WAY too many muses of my own already and I just feel too much pressure from requests and if I took them, I wouldn’t be writing for me anymore. Turns it into a job, if you know what I mean. But sometimes some random prompt I find on Tumblr that I don’t even mean to run across will spark something. But it’s almost never what the prompt is asking for. I’m a weirdo. My mind doesn’t stay where it’s supposed to. 😊

18. Idea that you always wanted to write but could never make work?

I don’t really have an idea that I struggle with – more like a whole category. I really struggle with AU (cause I’m a slave to canon), but I’m working through yet another one right now for Riverdale. It’s good to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Especially if you’re inspired to do so. Don’t hold yourself back.

My first AU (in another fandom) was total crack, but I needed to break through and just do it, you know? I think pushing myself like that and breaking that barrier really helped improve my writing overall.

19. Least favorite plot point/chapter/moment you’ve written?

God, I must be so vain because I like all my stuff. It’s like my vids (even the kinda crappy ones) – I find them entertaining, because I’m creating something I happen to like. Things that make me FEEL. Shows, ships, characters, situations I enjoy. Making them my own – exploring issues the show may never explore that I think are important. Not to say I haven’t been insecure about my writing. Because I have been. Definitely. OMG. It took being married to my husband for over a year and his gentle encouragement to start sharing stuff online. Stuff I’d written years ago. (I’ve been writing since I was 10 – and not just fanfic – it’s such a great outlet). My husband was the first person to actually believe in me as a writer. He somehow got me to read him my only published Buffy fic (which is about rape) on our FIRST DATE. I still don’t understand how that happened. My father told me he was just saying that he liked my writing to get in my pants, but boy was he wrong! He was saying it to get a ring on my finger! LOL

But it took the really nice comments I’ve gotten on my fic in the SVU fandom to make me really feel like a writer and not just a vidder who dabbles in stories from time to time. And they’ve been rewarded with 33 fics from me so far because of it. Which is a lot more than any of the other fandoms I write for. That’s the power of comments. 😊 Support the fic and writers you love and you’ll get more content.

20. Favorite plot point/chapter/moment you’ve written?

In my story Jellybeans, I have a 5 year-old Jughead with trust issues. . . His distrust of the situation quickly outweighed his desire, as would often be the case for him well into adulthood . . . And this (mainly flashback) fic takes place right after Betty & Jughead’s epic fight at his 16th birthday party – but before they go to Pop’s. And this is one of his issues with Betty at this time. He may desire Betty, but his fear of good things turning on him is still alive and well at age 16.

21.Favorite character to write?

JUGHEAD. I can “feel” him - if you know what I mean. And I’m finding that I really like to write him first person. Although he’s a “past tense” speaker/thinker to me and I naturally write in present tense. So, it really stretches my mind and I have to work harder to write him thinking and experiencing life in past tense. But I LOVE it! Honestly, Betty is more difficult for me to find. Though I find that I have a harder time connecting with female characters in general. (Mommy issues) So I chalk it up to that.

22. Favorite line or lines of dialogue that you've written?

Currently, it’s from my Bughead fic, Unrequited:

“You know, I liked you just fine as you were. No, I loved you, Betty.”

“Loved.”

“Yeah.”

There was that word just hung in the air between us, so presently in the past tense.

23. Best comment/review you’ve ever received?

“Okay! I saw that this was updated and was like one of the happiest people EVER! This is one of my favorite fics on this site, and one of the ones that actually got me into the SVU fandom, and this chapter, as usual, was perfect. It's always in character and always keeps me wanting to read more. But then again that's true for everything you write! Love it and happy to see it's being continued, even as your becoming more involved in other fandoms! Major kudos!”

This was a comment I received on Stolen Moments from @oblivioncastro when I released Chapter 50. I was completely blown away by this, because although I’ve been used to my vids turning people on to certain fandoms (using them as recruiting tools – muhahaha!), I never expected one of my fics to be able to do this. WOW just WOW. The other fandom that is referred to in this comment is Bughead/Riverdale BTW. 😊 Oh how I’ve strayed . . .

24. How do you handle bad reviews or comments?

Well, if they’re straight up trolling, which is pretty obvious TBH, then I just delete them. Just like when my ex-brother in law used to call me fat (which I am) because he thought he could hurt me that way, and I was like “please, try harder. that’s just so predictable & pathetic.” Now, when the criticism is based on something REAL, like “I’m confused about what you’re trying to do here” or “you didn’t characterize so and so correctly,” etc. this is valuable feedback to have. The only problem is EVERY single comment I’ve gotten like this comes from an anon that I can’t ask questions of – and I usually have BURNING questions because I want to improve and do a better job next time. I handle this by commenting back in my comment thread hoping they’ll come back and answer but they never do. In one particular case, I just don’t write a particular ship any more – I don’t write it well apparently (the commenter made many excellent points which I mostly agreed with) but I never got any feedback on how to improve, so I just gave up on trying. It’s not a great loss though, because they’re not a primary ship of mine – just one that compliments my OTP in another fandom. But it’s still frustrating.

25. If you could change anything in any of your stories, what would it be?

Be able to have found a beta for everything I’ve posted. I hate releasing stuff unbeta’d, but I’ve just had to do it sometimes ‘cause I couldn’t find anyone.

26. What is your favorite story you’ve ever written? Any fandom?

Stolen Moments – my EPIC Rollisi filler fic for SVU. It’s 50 chapters long and going (64K I believe). Why is it my favorite? Mainly because its FILLER. I could be happy as a clam writing nothing but filler. And SVU gives us a LOT of holes to play with.

But also, it’s my most popular fic and I’ve made friends with some of the readers. It reminds me of vidding – I’ve made many friends through vidding, even technically met my husband through vidding – he was a fan of my Buffy vids before we ever met. I like making friends. I like sharing. Any piece of fan work that can bring people together gives me much joy.

27. What are you reading right now? Both fan fiction and general fiction?

A shit ton of comics and graphic novels. I’m visual. All of the new Archie stuff except for Josie and the Pussycats (I can’t handle the music aspect of it), including the Archie Horror comics (Jughead The Hunger is Amazeballs!), Wayward, Revival, Paper Girls, Saga. And I’m listening to Confessions of a Young Nero, Margaret George’s latest book, on Audible when I need to be in the dark and can’t use my eyes. The horror! The horror!

As for fan fiction I’m limiting myself to just two right now – and it’s taking me forever to get through them (but it’s good to be savoring them, right?) because I want to leave meaningful comments as I go along. I happen to be a slow reader, too. (Shhh, don’t tell anyone). The two fics are B.C. I Love You by @jugheadszombie (OMG weep!) and Softening the Edges by @bughead-bound (so precious). I have Bizarre Love Triangle by @ficmuse lined up next for when I get caught up with those. I don’t usually read two at time, but I was travelling when I first downloaded those two onto my tablet and things just happened, okay? (Yes, this was weeks ago – I told you I was slow)

28. Do you have any advice for writers that want to get into this fandom but might be scared?

This is a hard one. I am very new to the Riverdale/Bughead fandom myself and I’ve never really been a shy one. I just jumped right in without much fear, so I’m not sure I can truly understand the anxiety surrounding starting to write for this fandom and give advice on how to deal with it. Extroverts aren’t always the best people to advise introverts I’ve found. We experience the world very differently and what works for me DEFINITELY does not work for my extremely shy Bestie. And vice versa. But I did find a pix that might answer this question (cause I’m visual and all):

AND THAT MOVIE GOT MADE!

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dancekickboxcardio · 5 years ago

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I looked 👀 so much better morning ☀️. Exact words to BFF, “I was cuter.” Afternoon, you can see the weigh of the day on my face. I am run down. My eyes 👀 is kinder and not mean looking like I can kill you with my icy 🥶 stare. It’s not fresh for sure. It says more like what do you want, I have no time of the day, I am done ✅ . It’s more approachable in what do you want way. At least it’s not don’t talk to me. I took a picture 📸 of the dino 🦖. I try to capture a photo even of little things that I found magic ✨. They caught my eye 👁. I found art 👩🏼‍🎨 in them. There was something interesting. Most of the times it is to take a better memory of what happened. Something to cue and go by. It could tell a story. But my favorite is random.

I should have had a terrible day yesterday. However, it didn’t get a meltdown from me. Ugh 😑, I hate it. I was god darn straight up reasonable and level headed. Why don’t you like combust like a desperate lunatic loser who can’t do anything but spew bogus stuff. Then, that would make not totally me. That’s what people admire about me. They know that they can believe what I say. It is reliable and accurate and they won’t make a fool of themselves repeating it. Although if you want to own my ideas 💡 it is lovely that you can’t defend them and not better than I can.

By the end of the day I was exhausted 😩. I was a little depleted. I had this feeling of giving up given the enormity of the drama of the day, my physical exertions and lack of anything to give ⚡️ anymore. Somehow, in that time of unsureness, I found it in me to keep going. It was almost automatic. What makes me scary 😨 is when most would shrivel into smallness, I am able to let out a confident courage that anchors itself in my coping mechanism, my ability to evaluate a situation, find the solution and follow through without doubt what I believe is the best way to go about it. Sometimes it is scary that I could be automatic that I don’t pay attention and not notice I am there and the little things. Perhaps, I have some other things going on in my mind. You can’t possibly remember every small detail of your life. Like, we were dancing 🕺🏽 in Zumba right. As we were grooving it out 💃🏼 I was actually making some figuring out decision. I don’t ever do that. It was easy going in class yesterday. It wasn’t packed. The energy was there. Everybody seems happy 😃 to put in work. I don’t know 🤷🏼‍♀️ where they were coming from but I just talked to the activities desk about a problem and it was my fifth exercise 💪🏾 🏃🏼‍♀️ after AMP which is high velocity, intensity spinning 🚲 . It was like a party 🎊 too. The reason I don’t give much credit to whatever people think 🤔 I am and it’s not that I don’t know 🤔 they are basing it off themselves, I am more, I weigh it based on where I am. I basically know where I am coming from. You are full of strength. Well, I have excess weigh all over my body and also I am having my shake dinner 🍽 . You can’t judge a person based on you. You put it in their shoes 👠 . Like duh 🙄. Some people are more like others and they can relate better which means they easily form friendship 👭 👬 👫 bonds. But in adulthood, there is a healthy way of going about living.

Wamesy gave me toe kisses 😽. I have achy 😖 tightness in my back. My legs are sore. My stomach too. Yes, tea cup table abs progression 📈.

I had some yogurt 🍦 coming in to the gym 🏃🏼‍♀️ 💪🏾 and I didn’t feel like having my full breakfast 🥞. I blow dried my hair and form it to my fancy. I was pretty cute with my tress. I spend time on my phone 📲 until it was time for Pilates. I missed the Monday class and glad to show up Wednesday. Well, it wasn’t as easy as the last time with April but it was manageable. I wanted to tell her I got out energized and limber. Many people where schmoozing and I am on a clock 🕰. I was able to pull myself lying down to reach my legs 🦵🏾 sitting. I had to hold on to my knees but strength is build up. I was wobbly and I was ok with where I was. I’ll keep on working on it. I love 💕 the part where you are folded in front and one on the side legs and you reach up towards the opposite side for the stretch on your torso and inner thighs. It was complex and a great pose 😊. I felt so womanly 👩🏼 . It was a joy to express myself. Although I am not saying it is a girl’s only class. You take these classes because you know you get something from it. Mary, the Ashtanga Vinyasa yogi 🧘🏼‍♀️ does tiny muscle exercises on the floor. It tickles me. I thought 💭 it proficient. April was great. She was being funny 😆, loose and she’s great with instructions.

I went for breakfast 🍳 after the class. I changed in my bathing suit 👙 and there was an Aqua class. I felt Pilates was for me morning. Another time and not this day. It was nice to see the ☀️ sun shine as I quietly nourish myself. I spend time on my phone 📱 again and that’s because I felt like it. It was something to be done ✅ and I had the option and really the wiggle room in my schedule 📅 to allow for it. Tit for Tat. I do it now, I have free time later. About 30 minutes before suntanning was over at 77 the heat 🥵 was unbearable for me and I was worried 😟 that I might get a heatstroke. I moved to the shade to get my nap 💤 for the day. I went back to switch my lunch 🍴 from breakfast on my food 🥘 bag. I had a leisurely meal at 100p.

I went back to the locker 🔒 room. I showered 🧼, I changed and I opened my stuff to grab my work 📚 to find me freaked out. “Where the hell is my black Vince Camuto purse 👜?” I reported it and they were going to investigate what had happened like check the security cameras. I am like, “What the heck.” Thank God, my laptop 💻 was spared. I checked in with Keya through out the day if there were updates. If someone turned it in. I don’t need the bag 💼 . Heck I am more than happy 😃 to use one of my new designers. But my lipsticks 💄, my Tahiri sunglasses 🕶, my chargers 🔌, my book 📖, my IDs and credit cards 💳. I would love 💗 to get a new wallet. I know I seem funny 😄 about it. It fuels my retail 🛍 enthusiasm. I have had the Badley Mischka wallet since graduating from Notre Dame. It was as old as I was an undergrad graduate 🎓.

I continued with my day like a pro. Ugh 😑 and I wrote ✍🏾 on my journal and I studied 📑. I wish I had my plug for Apple Watch ⌚️ and phone 📱. I wasn’t able to log my activity starting AMP 🚲 .

The room was not volatile. It was of course full of bullying. Yet my impression was it was calm relatively. It was also not pressure packed like I told Laura and you feel at ease to move about like you are safe. I may have low anxiety stepping on the floor because I know many of the trainers 👟 and I have friends in the gym. I also spend my entire day when I am training in the building. I eat my lunch 🍴 and dinner 🍽 there and sometimes breakfast. I use the sauna 🧖🏼‍♀️ and relax 😌 🧴 by the pool 🏊🏻‍♀️ . It’s not that I am not on my toes sharp. I just have lower threshold in my defense and I have a good relationship and a pleasant one with most of them and I feel that I am aware what it’s like during bottlenecks and low attendance moments. There was room to maneuver yesterday working on my lower body using the equipments. It wasn’t as busy. I told Lane seeing him downstairs that there was nobody on the floor. He was like, “I like it.” Mmmmhm. Something that he would say.

My Mom was making me do more over my lost bag. I did what was reasonable. She wanted me to check the garbage 🗑. I am like Mom, I am not going to go crazy over my lost purse 👜. If I remember putting it in my bin, then someone must have taken it from there. I don’t know what that person did to it. She told me like what Morgan said if I brought it to the poolside. I did not. She was like, “Maybe you just brought it with you not thinking 💭.” That’s the thing even with automatic routine behaviors I still account for what I need. What are extra I store. She stopped 🛑 her scenarios and insistence when I said hypothetically if I did bring it outside the camera shall have shown I did. End of discussion.

I was not too bad in the cycling 🚴🏼‍♀️ studio. There were many colleg 📚 kids in club and it is great. I remem using the Notre Dame gym which is open in limited hours and I told an advisor, “The guy was staring at me like he has never seen a girl use the treadmill before.” Yeah, strict stringent conservative. The handle bars where wobbly but I keep my seat 💺 because I wanted to get that after session report. I don’t believe I pressed the right end button 🖲. I had to leave and that’s where I saw my Mom and I got a lecture and I talked with Keya. It was a fun 🎊 class. The instructor was so bubbly . She beats me. I enjoyed her towel exercises. I thought 💭 they were great. I liked the mechanics 🧰 we did on the bicycle. I had to think 🤔 peddling and moving my arms at the same time without falling off the machine. It was great. I felt my inner thighs doing work and I was happy 😃 . Ballerina strength bod.

Zumba 💃🏼 I couldn’t move my legs anymore . They felt like a heavy brick 🧱 . I was able to bust it out on some easy Latin like music 🎶. But squats. It was a feel good work out 🏋🏼‍♀️ and as always the case L’Tan was great in getting us all into it and with various dances from 🕴🏻all over the world 🌍 . Some of them I knew by heart already. I was ready to pass out by the end of that last exercise routine. This was me.

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