#sometimes i think about how my friends basically just ignored what my abusive ex friend did to me

[arcalian]

.

[eclipsecrowned]

🔥 // @decreedfate

I think... There comes a point where attempts to diversify or identify with a text via headcanon bypasses actual intent and instead travels backwards into stereotypes, erasure, or forms of -phobia. Like, I understand what a member of the comm is doing when they pull an 'I think Emily Dickinson was a lesbian!'

But I think certain reps need to be thought through. For a personal example, an ex friend would routinely throw me scraps. Oh, I want to ship my OC with Blorbimir, so I think we should ship his canon love interest Blorbej with the other female lead Blorbina, I know you like that ship a lot. Oh, you like Blorbelgard? That's so funny, because I hc her as a lesbian. But then if I sat down and looked at her actual storytelling, Blorbej and Blorbina are nowhere in the text except a disclaimer that 'oh Blorbimir/Blorbej didn't endgame he's always loved my OC and also 'Bej's a lesbian <3 They ran off to R*vka Blorbiverse Russia together far from the action <3' or 'I hate this fucking character so much what a bitch I hope my fave Blorbitri excruciatingly kills and maims her.' If you're going to write rep to cater me I want it in the text and not presented as villainous or unworthy of the author's time. Likewise, the new hot shit is 'oh this woman character is too girlboss and lesbian to actually ship with stinky men protags <3' when it's like. You only did this to have misogyny and erasure covered up under a thin veneer of rep and empowerment.

I have also seen some people take the point of characters or arcs and basically gone 'The fact I am unsettled or not represented in this overt villainy is a flaw of the narrative,' instead of a point. Sometimes, I think it's okay to not see yourself represented in certain narratives. Like, when a villain is clearly an embodiment of historical patriarchy bearing down on a female lead, someone crashes in saying 'What if a transmasc lesbian?' Which... So now we have a predatory lesbian who transgresses against assigned sex to obsessively ruin the life of a protagonist. You understand how having that as a villain is arguably far worse rep than Sir Blorbert Blorbington IV who is haranguing Blorsette because pat of the thesis statement of the work is 'Patriarchy Bad, Respect Women.' Again, I understand the intent, but the execution just gets worse and worse the more you actually think about it beyond the naive scope of 'all representation is created equal and enhances the narrative.'

Another one that gets on the nerves of me as a lesbian when fandom pulls it, the character Blorbella routinely abuses character Blorbennifer in canon, to an upsetting degree, including serious emotional or physical harm. Aren't the lesbians cute, says fandom, ignoring that Blorbella is clearly a representation of how privilege and bias breeds cruelty against people like the ND/POC/Queer/take your pick Blorbennifer. I get you all have kinks for a rich dommy mommy but maybe romanticizing actual internalized misogyny and racism/homophobia/ableism as some sapphic win isn't the serve you think it is --

'Blorbin is ace/gay, that's why he hates women, we stan an ace/gay king.' Think that comment through maybe.

'I think Blorbiam is autistic he's just a widdle baby.' They're always either infantilizing people with autism or assigning it like a 'Get Out of Hell' free card for grown villains.

'I think Blorbarian was an abusive husband, a deadbeat father, a violent alcoholic, and I as a white person hope he dies.' You are talking about a POC character why do you think it's ok to pin that sort of stereotyping on him just because you don't like him as a character?

'Blorbeisha is so big and strong and not feminine, I as a cis person think she's trans.' / 'Blorby is so small and soft and not like other men, I as a cis person think he's trans.' Transphobia. Transphobia. Go pick your switch and get back here I'm not having it --

And honestly, I think it has a lot to do with the moralizing of fandom, which has been a net loss all the way around. You can't just like or dislike something. If you like it, it's the ideal rep, enhanced by your touch, all that matters is how you can paint yourself and your ideals onto the canvas. If you don't like it, it's degenerate, awful, hateful, only the uneducated masses and actual monsters disagree. So who cares what those on the other side of your funhouse mirror see reflected back at them?

The characters themselves don't have feelings to hurt, but look at it this way: a transmasc lesbian sees Lady Bloberta IV and internalizes it as 'This person sees and represents my community as violent and predatory.' I've had friends in fandoms who identify with Blorbarians as rep for their own culture/race in fiction and had to navigate the entire fandom re-inventing generations of stereotypes instead of being able to act like an adult and say 'Eh, I just didn't like the character.' My identity is the latest way that fandom can express their disregard for the stories of women and in turn I disproportionately see representation of my sexuality as a side plot to elevate cis men in fiction. The intent is usually innocent, to expand rep in fandom. But I'd advise if you aren't a part of the community you are seeking to represent, maybe look into the history of its representation a little.

[marinazone]

What's been bugging my brain recently

Boy oh boy where do I start. Well I suppose I'll start with a little bit of context. Hi! My name is Hunter (if you never knew my real moniker, not many do even if i tell them); and I have been in a disastrous...what could only be described as love illness, since February 28th. Before i explain why (if you dont already know) allow me to provide my full experience with love. When i was in 12th grade i was used as rebound for a girl named Nicole after her boyfriend had broken up with her. It was the first time i had ever gotten to feel love, the expectations of what i should expect were to be established from then forward. We talked a lot asked eachother how we were doing shared similar interests that kinda shit. It was cool, the sex was lukewarm at best but it felt nice to feel appreciated. Thats when her emotional manipulation began. She would be in low points that i attributed to depression. I always told her "go get help for your depression, itll only get worse" all of which she militantly ignored to the point where she told me she was being physically abused by her family. Naturally, stupid me, believed her and grew more and more attached and protective and i didnt find out til after we split up that she was full of horse shit. It was during this point that she would take opportunities when she was "moody" to punch me across the face. Why did i take that shit? I dont know! I guess i was too fucking scared to lose someone i was attached too. Two years passed and i realize she started to ditch me to hang with some dude named Paul and was cheating on me for months. I finally asked firmly if she was and she admitted it, playing sap. I was devestate for about three months afterward. I had planned to kill myself numerous times but always remembered how much my friends would miss me. It was during this time around 2013 that i took up a habit of walking a mile to a nearby bridge on a "private walk" over an artificial lake to just gaze into and get lost in what seemed like infinite thought. I eventually got over her, but only after deleting all contact with her.

Second is someone online i will just call Saber. A very basic ass relationship. No emotional fulfillment for me and only sexting. He was a bit different in abuse in that it was more a financial abuse than anything else. He relied on me to pay for his ffxiv game and subscription and shit cause he didnt live in NA and i didnt see a cent back. The separation was far more a fade then burning out. We just stopped talking and i stopped giving once i realized i was being used

And the third ex is actually criminally dangerous so i will avoid any details at all about them! Just know theyre in jail still i think and they dont know my address

So we arrive more recently, I dont want to use exact names as im still in contact with them and are (presumably) friends and i do not wish to expose information given in confidence. I will just be using first initials as follow: A, B, T, and W.

So it began with a message I'd received from B (all this was when i was freyacrescentshangover on here). He messaged me because we were into the same shit and asked if i wanted to rp. I figured sure! Why not! Well he was pretty chill and nice and i would eventually tell him i had a crush on him. He said "its cool we have similar fetishes but lets just stay friends for now ok?"

It didnt upset me to much. Then W entered my life and boy is she a treat (not sarcastic, mostly). She contacted me for much the same reason. We were into similar shit. We'd spend a lot of time back and forthing this stuff and getting to know eachother and then i finally told her i had a crush on her and her answer is something to keep in mind for later. She didnt say yes, but she didnt say no. She told me things such as ne being cute and how she enjoyed how we had similar kinks and said she'd be down to be more flirty sometimes. I had no fucking idea what this meant (No offense W) so I was more just in a state of confusion where our relationship was. As for why i admired her? She was passionate. Her interests were so emblazoned on her soul that is was visceral just being in a conversation (still is to an extent). Yet she's also so cool and mysterious. It felt like she was someone i had to learn about, someone that i could listen to their passions for hours in complete awe and admiration. Thats still what i admire about her to this day i suppose, but ill get onto that more in a bit.

This was also around the same time i had developed a crush on A. A is super cool and chill even to this day. Never afraid to be herself or says what she feels and that is truely admirable. She'd contacted me because, once again, we were into similar fetishes. We did the old exchange weird stuff and talk until i noticed she, by complete fucking cosmic coincidence, lived in the same town as me. You guessed it! Got a crush on her. This rejection breaks the mold a bit though in that she reciprocated the feelings but felt she was in to many relationships and couldnt provide me the emotional support i needed. Didnt bother me too much.

Well, that is until a couple months later A and her wife formed triad with W. It felt so.....bad if im being honest. I feel guilty to say it and i am really happy for them still! But there's always been a part of me since then that sorta felt......jealous? Short changed? I dont know, its hard to find a word for it. Its like when you taste something super fucking sour but you like expected it to be sweet. My self worth sorta plummeted from it all. Like i just wasnt enough for them..

Cut to later and i met T. Shes super sweet and funny and boy i got a crush on her too! She got into contact with me because......you guessed it! Similar fetishes! It feels like im just gifted with a power that lets people confide their weird fetishes with me. When i told her she told me essentially "Same fetishes dont like you that way".

Now we cut from 3 years ago to a month ago. I get feelings spurring up again for T and W (Probably A too but after how this goes I dont wanna be crushed ever again). I tell T first i have a crush on her. She says something similar to before but elaborates that romantic feelings are very hard for her to obtain. Then I tell W again. She says "We have similar fetishes and thats cool but i dont like you that way". For some fucking reason, this was an emotionally devastating breaking point for me and im not sure why. i got over T in like two days. W on the other hand? Were a month strong in and I still cant stop being depressed about it all. What happened here? What went different here? Was it because of the awkward response id receive years ago? Was it the jealousy-like feelings i still harbored? Is it just because i wanted to hear more about her and her interests and passions hidden under that cool (and sexy) exterior like i had before? I dont know. Probably never will. Likely a combination of all those though.

So here I am, on this weird precipice of loneliness, ready to die any second because my self worth doesnt seem to improve no matter what I do (and ive been doing a ton lately). Will I be able to work up the courage to take another final shot at A? Probably not, my body can't take another hit like that. Atleast not so soon. Will I ever get over W? Im not sure. The last time i felt this bad was with Nicole and I had to cut all contact with her to feel better, but the thought of doing that with W makes me even more sick. Maybe I'm just SOL and my emotional and mental stability doomsday clock is finally reaching midnight (sure hope not! I have Marinas to bully!).

Apart from all this, with how spurred i feel and such. I find it harder and harder to get out of bed every day. To do the things i like keeping myself healthy. Eating. Showering. To live. And yet I move.

[remcycl333]

Sorry for the last ask I sent it by mistake 😭 I’ll type it out again

I had a huge argument with my male friends yesterday. They were basically refusing to acknowledge my their male privilege. I told them that they have certain privileges that I don’t and they had the audacity to say “what privilege “ like is it not obvious???? Also every time I brought up an issue women face such as rape, abuse, acid attack etc they responded with “yes but it’s getting better” like dude every issue is getting better. We are all fighting and slowly all issues are getting better the problem is that these issues even existed in the first place. The whole argument proved that these guys were low-key sexist and projecting all the sexist views that they’d hidden. I want to cut them off but I meet them every day in school unfortunately 🥲

oh god i had an ex bf like this. we had an argument about how he saying i wasn’t really a “gamer” bc all o played was games such as the sims, animal crossing, stardew, etc. aka, girl games. he didn’t use that term, but i called him out on it. and he was like “rem it’s 2021 no one genders games anymore that is so 2012” and i was like ???? yes they do?!

another time we were walking downtown after dark to his car together and i jokingly (not so jokingly) said i was glad i was with him or else i’d be terrified cuz i’d probably be attacked. and he acted like i was crazy.

the thing is is that this boy was a feminist? like i know for a fact he loved women and supported our rights and believed victims and acknowledged his male privilege, but sometimes he was just so ignorant. it was like, since none of his friends were misogynistic and he wasn’t exposed to much casual misogyny online (other than news stories and such) he just thought it was much less of an issue than it was? like he thought that bc he didn’t encounter many misogynistic ppl in his every day life, that they meant it had gotten so much better and more “rare”. which just isn’t the case, and as women we are very very aware of that fact.

i’m sorry your friends were like this, i know how much it hurts when you find out that your male friends are misogynists. its like a lot of men think that unless they are attacking women themselves they aren’t misogynistic, which just isn’t true. this shit should really be taught in school or something :/

[mangodestroyer]

Anyone else grow up with a developmental disorder and possibly in an abusive household on top of that and find themselves attracting toxic people? I stg, so many of us end up getting seriously hurt because of our limited support systems, lack of ability to read cues, and how we were raised (the treatment I received for my disability and from my caretakers was to basically not have boundaries, tolerate constant criticism, and change who I am as a person). I know people talk about how therapies for developmental disorders are abusive, but I don't think people realize how being raised constantly being told that they way you naturally are is wrong ends up making someone vulnerable to abuse. I ended up being way too submissive as a child. Always blaming myself for things, doing what people said, not speaking up, and I only just now started to understand what a boundary is.

During my entire shift at work today, I was thinking about some toxic people I made the mistake of letting in (who are now out of my life). All the flags I had ignored and how I had reacted to the abuse. For a while, I had been blaming myself for how things turned out. But now, the more I think about it, the more it disgusts me. I no longer see these people as superior to me. I thinking they're repulsive. They're nothing more than overly controlling losers. I feel stupid for thinking they were worthwhile, but I was in a bad place mentally. Had so many doubts for myself and had been conditioned to think this was okay. So being shown any form of kindness initially was very appealing to me. Even if the excessive compliments and the feeling of being listened to came with bad behaviors that were slowly snuck in at first, and then got worse over time. And then, surprise! It was all a lie. They don't think I'm all that great after all. Nor did they love me. They just wanted someone to control. Guess I should have realized that right in the beginning, when they would sometimes act unusually judgmental of things that are normal, act annoyed over my self-doubts instead of comforting, not believe me about my condition or mental health problems, subtly push me to live life the way they want to live life, and so on. I mean, talking about kids and marriage so early on? Talking about how their exes and everyone else in their life doesn't care about them and just uses them? Never seeming to acknowledge or agree with anything I say unless I explain myself in depth? Hmm... kind of fishy looking back. And guess what it turned into? Them not being able to tolerate me as a person. The compliments almost becoming non-existent. Hearing about how I am causing issues in the relationship and finding myself changing my behaviors so that I "behave." Open annoyance towards any interest or hobby that wasn't their own. And so on.

I hope from this point forward, I embrace the disgust I have for these kinds of people. I no longer have sympathy for them. Only pity. And I'm not selfish or awful for enforcing boundaries and wanting my needs to get acknowledged. I don't think being fearful of red flags works. I think acknowledging just how off these people are is the way to go. I think being fearful can lead to compliance and I notice that healthy people don't usually tend to fret over people who display red flags. They tend to just brush these people off and move on. And I noticed too that these people will literally try to befriend anyone until someone finally sticks. I think it's messed up that I was taught to ignore my needs and boundaries. And shamed for ever coming off as "rude" or "selfish" just for being myself. Sometimes, you have to be rude and selfish. Fellow neurodivergent individuals: please stop catering to the needs of others. We hurt ourselves by doing this.

There's also just... nothing wrong with being different? Idk about you, but masking was hardly working for me anyway. When I was a child who was more open about being myself, it was actually easier for me to make friends. I felt like people actually found me more interesting. This whole masking thing just forces me to be closed off and out of touch with myself. I'm still weird when I mask. I'm even more weird because I'm always so anxious and miserable and standoffish when I try to be "normal." And that just leads to me making more mistakes. Also, I'd rather people grow to like the real me. Not the version of me that was masking.

So yeah, those are my feelings about neurodiversity, and our relationship with ourselves and others. I, for one, am so fucking tired of attracting toxic people into my life. Seriously, I'm sick of these people. It's getting to a point where I just feel nauseated thinking about their selfish, controlling tendencies. They don't seem to aspire to anything other than making people miserable. They're literal parasites. I don't understand how these people can even tolerate being an emotional leech. Funny thing is too, I also used to think I must have something in common with these people if I keep attracting them. Outside of childhood trauma, no. I fucking don't. Although they of course want their victims to believe that they're actually the evil ones. This is an easy trap to fall into though because they're good at making it seem like you're the one causing all the problems. And yeah, I'm sick of always feeling like a problem too just for existing. It's so easy to buy into it when that's what you were told as a child. See? It goes back to how NDs were raised. To literally have no respect for ourselves. Ugh, the whole thing is just sickening.

Been doing a lot of homework learning how to better spot these emotional vampires. As well as studying what actual healthy people are like. I'd love to get to a point where I only surround myself with healthy individuals and don't even give the toxic ones a second thought.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

okai baisically

from 2011-2013 i was in a relationship w this guy who was. Well. he was just rly abusive in every way theres no dancing around it. he did this to everyone he was ever with. it was my first real relationship so it messed me up for a long time afterwards i could not trust again for many year

in 2019 i had no idea anything about him or his life but one of my good friends from back in the day told me they found his account & he was now like, an instagram famous tattoo artist. And looking at his page the majority of his clients were very young tiktokgoth type girls which freaked me out really badly knowing what he had done to me & others.

i didnt do anything about it however a week later it was still keeping me up at night so i posted about it on my close friends ig story just venting. another friend who works as a tattoo artist saw my post and was very concerned so she asked if she cld spread the info to other ppl in her community. i was like yeah sure go for it i dont wanna have my name attached but if u care enough to do that im sure its for the best

so she made a story post about it and for some reason it absolutey blew up within a matter of hours o_o it was kinda fucked but then, my ex started responding to it, and this is why i wanted to tell the story:

HIS RESPONSE WAS SOOO INCRIMINATING!! firstly he posted all these long winded paragraphs apologizing to his FANS that they have to witness all this, and how all his exes are evil stalkers out to get him because we r jealous of his success. clearly this did not go over well with people

Then the owner of the tattoo shop got in contact with me to ask about my experience. so we talked and he revealed that everyone at the shop had been suspicious of my ex for a long time because of some ways they'd seen him treating his current gf. so we talked more and went over some details, and he was like yeah im going to fire this guy..

the next day i get a message that when my ex got fired in person he had a massive tantrum and tried to trash the studio and they had to drag him out the door kicking and screaming

then my ex basically deleted his entire social media presence, remade a new insta account thats blank except for a 100 panel story highlight with posts about how cancel culture is evil and he is #1 victim of all time. its funny cus i actually agree that cancel culture is evil but like, yeah sometimes there are instances like this which is what its meant for

basically the point im getting at is that if he wasnt extremely guilty of all these allegations he wouldve just kept posting, found clientele elsewhere, continue making art, maybe faded away a little but like. it was his entire response, refusing to take any accountability whatsoever, acting like the victim, he cancelled himself!! its just funny. he's such a fucking moron

also it was rly telling how quick everyone in his irl community was to get rid of him, maybe that sounds mean but its like. they were already suspicious of him becuase he ACTS SUS!!!!! all the fucking time and the longer u know him the more unavoidable it is

ok last thing. people were so outraged about his allegations that everyone who worked in the tattoo shop did cover ups of his tattoos FOR FREE!!!!!!!!!! like, indefinitely, if u got one of his tattoos at their shop at any point in time they will cover it up for free. cus i guess he was rly that popular that everyone in london was tatted by him. Funny shit

moral of the story: if someones trying to cancel u and ur actually innocent, just keep posting. and do not write long winded manifestos about how sweet and baby and innocence u are. just ignore it and keep posting !! lol. Sorry if this is a dumb story. but its the only time i can think of where "cancelling" actually did exactly what its suppose to do

omg wait hold on i thought of another anecdotal tale to tell

[seerofmike]

i have many thoughts but i wanted to make a post specifically about one of the things i liked most from this newest chapter, and that is Ajay being toxic as FUCK for a change.

disclaimer out of the way, first: i am fully aware octane has been a toxic friend as well who is self-centered and often lacks empathy, and in no way am i disregarding or ignoring that he's been toxic when i say lifeline was a toxic asshole for this quest. my post WILL focus on her specifically for the most part, but that's because countless posts have already been made about how awful octane is to her.

oh boy, lifeline. ajay che. this chapter was an interesting shake-up on their pre-existing dynamic of octane always being in the wrong and lifeline always being in the right and morally Better than him or whatever. god, was she a fucking asshole in this quest so far, i love it. like, i can *feel* for her. she’s in a frustrating position. her best friend’s ‘dad’ might be about to take over the outlands and he’s falling for his manipulations. her new friend’s ex-bestie has come in and said that her friendship with him is doomed to fail and he’s going to get used. tough spot. she’s been dealing with a lot.

but all that doesn’t really change or excuse the fact that she spent most of this season calling him stupid, disregarding his feelings and eventually saying outright that he needs her and he would be nothing without her. and it’s like, FINALLY, interesting character traits for lifeline, because--

she’s been this way before!! i’ve had these thoughts before, but never really had any solid ‘backing’ to share my thoughts, but now i feel comfortable sharing them. to me, it seems that lifeline has empathy issues, just like octane, but they’re applied differently.

she like...doesn’t care, sometimes, about the people in her personal life, or she disregards them. back in season 5, when octane is freaking out about having to go back to olympus, she basically tells him ‘lol get over it’. she calls wraith a headcase, she acts flippantly towards fuse in the s8 comic, and here she spent most of the quest calling octane stupid, questioning his decisions, and then refusing to hear him out and disregarding everything he’s saying as him falling for some sob story. (which, to be clear, he IS in the wrong, but the way she goes about it is, again, flippant and disregards his feelings, which he calls her out on.)

and like...the ‘get over it’ thing and this thing now, IMO, isn’t really how you respond to someone you KNOW has been abused by their parent, and it’s also not really how you respond to your best friend, whom you also consider a brother. lifeline sometimes has empathy issues. she definitely CARES, but sometimes she doesn’t...’feel’ for people.

i feel like all of lifeline’s empathy is focused on bigger causes: the frontier corps, saving the outlands from “eduardo silva”, and she doesn’t extend this same empathy or care to the people in her personal life. which is a REALLY interesting character trait, especially because some activists IRL have shared their experiences with this very thing. even now, if lifeline goes to maggie (which i suspect she will), it won’t be because she suddenly empathizes with maggie--it’ll be for the cause, and that cause is eduardo silva trying to take over.

and this makes sense with her upbringing, her character! she's trying not to be her parents, she's doing good as an act of rebellion and it makes her feel as though she has the moral highground in everything she does/is always right.

that isn’t to say that she’s never cared for anyone or had empathy for them or been right, but i do think it’s something she struggles with, which is an Actually Interesting character trait for her instead of The Good Doctor, as she’s been in lore for several seasons. and seeing it come to a head with her best friend pointing out that she DOESN’T care--about him, about what he’s going through, and this is one of many things that leads to their fallout--was really satisfying for me, as someone who has noticed this (hopefully intentional) character trait before.

i can’t wait to see where this goes for the two of them. maybe they can both develop as characters now, separate from one another.

[mywheelieweirdlife]

I just watched this TikTok about how it's always lowkey terrifying deciding how much of the reality of your chronic illness because of how it may permanently alter peoples perception of you.

And it made me think about exactly how much I don't say.

And like, my best friend knows the most, but also until recently hadn't actually seen me just go down in front of her... and that was online, not in person.

She's seen the 'drunk mermaid' stage where I'm pre or post seizure, have no leg control and no arm control and am just loopy... but never actively been there when I fell or passed out or had a grand mal like seizure.

My abusive ex had... and that's also why a lot of people haven't... but not many people are privy to how hard it is, even my other chronically ill friends.

I don't talk about the loss of bladder control or the ibs like symptoms that come up because my body decided to turn off my digestive system for a week so I don't eat properly for about 3-4 days at a time because I'd rather feel weird about not being physically able to eat than deal with the risk of throwing up because I tried to force myself to 'eat normally'.

And living off multivitamins and supplements and snacks because it's easier for my body than 'normal meals' but constantly feeling like I'm returning to an ED or panicking about going back to being severely underweight because I can't eat normally.

Or that sometimes, I have 'control' of my legs, but the muscles are so tight that there's basically no range of motion and I'm spending hours massaging in muscle relaxant creams crying in pain wishing with every fibre of my being that I get hit by a car and have them cut off because I don't want to deal with the ridiculously stiff rock hard legs that refuse to release for days and have nerve spasms through them. And then I feel guilty for that, but it's the truth.

And the days my rib literally goes 'pop' as it moves out of place and I want to cry and scream and swear and I can't in public because it happens all the gd time so I just cry and laugh it off and I just can't be honest with people about 'this hurts and it's scary' because it's also normal.

I brush off my seizures and my body paralysing and spasming and the tremors and the brain fog and the speech impediment it brought with it and the nerve pain and the digestive issues and the migraines and the insomnia and the anger at the destruction of my body and life and career (the one I previously had).

And I don't brush it off because it's not impossibly hard and stressful and exhausting and a constant battle that consumes every moment of my life… but because if I don't pretend it doesn't hurt, fake a convincing smile and laugh and say 'It's this or die and I have kiddos who need me.' (Which has been my line since I was diagnosed with depression and really really struggling and didn't want to end up in hospital and I would've never expected then that it would turn into this).... I lose even more.

Like if I lose the gentle pity and the honestly really creepy almost faked 'inspiration' speech abled people give me, I get the brushed off, ignored and hated version where people feel 'justified' in the dehumanisation of me and spit on and kick me and cuss me out in public.

Absolute strangers just attacking me because I don't have a 'purpose' that fits their world narrative and expectations of an adult human.

So like, I'm writing a book is my new answer to 'what do you do' when before it was 'recovery or at least stabilising my condition so it's a lot of medical appointments.' Which is nice because people assume a lot of writers get paid while writing (which while wrong works in my favour in not getting verbal harassment or assaulted).

But like, even if I didn't write, even if I never worked a paid job again; I'm a human being with purpose outside of employment and entertainment.

I'm free therapy and life advice to my friends, I'm a late night companion who's always happy for a call even when I'm loopy af (which honestly just makes most of my friends laugh because our humour matches so well), I'm a bundle of joy and random knowledge and a filtering system of good and bad ideas and offering new perspectives.

If provided with accessible housing and community, I would be the best house husband and father because I adore children and want to be a parent and if it wasn't for the laws of my country saying I have to raise a biological child to adulthood first, I would automatically sign up to be foster guardian/parent or adopt queer, neurodivergent, disabled children and provide them with a safe and understanding home where their needs are accommodated and they're welcome and safe and wanted and loved.

I would garden and look after animals and sign and read to kids and help little ones learn and do homework and teach them how to safely interact with animals and insects and the world around them and help them learn about different religions and cultures and how to be polite and respectful and find beauty and wonder everywhere.

And that's just as important as someone who works a traditional 9-5.

I'm important, others who are also disabled are important, we have wants and needs and dreams and humour and laughter and feelings.

We're more than we're able to be and it's not even our fault because they don't want to see us.

Because if I let them see all of me, all my struggles, if I admitted that actually I do need help, a lot more help than I ask for, especially because this house and this community and this world is not set up for me... they would stop seeing me.

They would stop seeing all the beautiful chaotic personality traits and history that I love about myself and that is loved about me because I'm 'too broken' to be fun anymore.

And that's always in the back of my mind and haunts me. And I know I'm not alone with it because the others in the community I follow and who follow me are the same where none of us can say how bad it is because ableds treat us like crap when they do and ignore the fact you're all some of the funniest and most interesting people who from the internet can change my life through the most beautiful and important posts.

We deserve better, we deserve to be seen and heard and loved for everything we are, even and especially the hardest parts.

Also; terfs and devotees DNI (and with full disrespect, fuck off, you're not welcome here and will be blocked and reported on sight after the horrific shit I found last time I had to go on a devotee blocking spree).

[itgirlification]

supermodel (2) | jjk

your story with jungkook never seems to end, yet you’re still worried about how it’s gonna end.

pairing: ex-bf!jk x thick!reader

warnings: TOXIC (i cannot stress this enough shit is hella toxic), yn is kinda (very) dumb, jungkook is an actual asshole, borderline mental abuse, infidelity, more insecuritiiiies, mentions/hints of sex, etc.

part one part three

There you were in his arms again, with only your panties and his shirt on.

At this point, you couldn’t even explain yourself. You were guilty, but you know what they say; love hurts.

With his arms wrapped around you and you clinging to him like that, you couldn’t care less about what was gonna happen next. You knew you were probably gonna have a mental breakdown when you go back to the dorms but for now, you were okay.

After he came over that night, he contacted you again. He said he didn’t want this to be serious, he wanted it to be a solely sexual relationship.

“You know, you’re the first girl I’ve been with, who seems to like getting hurt and degraded”, he sighs against your hair. “Sometimes I feel like you can’t get enough of it.”

You stayed silent. What were you supposed to do anyway? Tell him he’s right and stay like this for a while or react defensively and start an endless argument? You chose the first one.

“You’re the only woman that’d let me do all this stuff and still love me. Maybe that’s why I came back to you.”

Holding back the tears, you cling closer to his larger body, as if you were using him as some kind of shield. He thought you were an easy target and forgiving. What else would a man want from a woman he was only interested in fucking, a side piece? Even if she’s in love with him, she was gonna ignore that just to spend as much time with him as possible.

“It’s not like you actually came back.”, you responded, keeping your voice as stable as you could. “We’re just fucking.”

Jungkook sighed deeply, most likely noticing your petty undertone. “Don’t be like that. We aren’t fucking right now.”

You weren’t sure what point exactly he was trying to prove, you agreed to be his side chick. Did he think you didn’t know what a side chick was supposed to do? Because you did know, you just secretly thought you guys were meant to be, you weren’t just some side piece.

Looking around the motel room, your stomach began feeling weird. He wasn’t usually cheap, but you guessed he thought a side chick didn’t deserve a better environment than a cheap motel room rent for a night.

“Because we literally just did.”, you calmly said. You weren’t trying to piss him off.

But Jungkook wasn’t having it. Out of nowhere, he shoved you aside and put his hands over his face, noticeably frustrated.

“What happened?”, you weren't sure if asking that was the best option.

Jungkook turns his body to you. “What happened?? You keep on fucking me up and being a bitch about all this and you ask me what happened?”

He was so furious, his eyes were dark and his face was screwed up. You were now both standing, his tall figure towering over yours.

You saw his hand forming a fist and it would’ve been a lie if you said you weren’t terrified. He hasn’t touched you once throughout your relationship, but you never know.

“I didn’t even say anything. Maybe you’re just a little too sensitive.”, you were pouring salt on a wound at this point, but you didn’t want to be weak and let him talk to you like that.

“Me, sensitive?”, his tone was dangerously serene, as he leaned closer to your face. “If I wasn’t here with you, you'd probably still be crying over me. And you know where I’d be? Laying in bed with the beautiful model I have the privilege to call my girlfriend. Yn, I don’t need you. Don’t get bold with me, ‘cause we both know who’s gonna be heartbroken in the end.”

You couldn’t look him in the eyes, what did you get yourself into again? This wasn’t Jungkook’s fault, this wasn’t anybody’s fault but yours. You should’ve never opened up, you should’ve never said yes to being his side piece, you should’ve never been his girlfriend, to begin with. You stayed silent, but your loud sniffs and your uneven breathing said more than you could at the moment.

“I’m leaving.”, he announced coldly before throwing his black leather jacket over his broad shoulders, leaving you half-naked, crying on the poor-quality motel bed you just had sex on. When he got out of the motel room, you looked outside of the small window, watching him leave in the car he drove you here with.

Now, you had no other option than to call Jane to pick you up since your dorm was a half an hour walk away from the motel and you didn’t have the energy to walk for even a minute.

You weren’t sure if you had the energy for all the questions Jane was gonna ask you when she sees your mascara smeared face and your messy hair. Not to mention the motel. You weren’t a motel type of girl and she knew that.

Still, you called her and she answered almost immediately. “Yn? What happened? I thought you were gonna sleepover at your parents’?”

Sleepover at your parents’ house? You had almost forgotten the bad lie you told Jane just to have sex with Jungkook in this cheap-ass motel. And to think you were convinced you two were gonna stay the whole night.

“Uh”, you quickly coughed to cover up the voice cracks you got from crying. “Yeah, it’s a long story, please pick me up. I’ll text you the address.”

About 10 minutes later, Jane arrived and looked at you like you were out of your mind when you got into the car. “Yn, what the fuck? I was so worried about you. And this isn’t your parents’ house, this is a fucking motel. Did you meet a guy? Did he do something to you? Should I call the cops?”

“No, no, no, oh my god, please don’t”, you knew she was gonna ask a lot of questions. “I lied to you. So what actually happened was me and Jungkook reconnected an-“

She rolled her eyes. “Of course it was Jungkook. So I’m guessing he left you here?”

You hesitantly nodded.

“So when were you gonna tell me you ‘reconnected’ with him? When did you even ‘reconnect’ with him?”, she mockingly asked you. You weren’t blaming her for being pissed off, you’d have been too in this situation.

“A month ago? I think..”, you muttered.

“Hm”, Jane nodded, sighing at your naivety. “And when did he even break up with his model chick?”

You awkwardly looked away and Jane was hoping it wasn’t because of what she thought.

“He didn’t break up with her??”, Jane was beyond frustrated. “So.. you’re like his side chick now? Are we gonna stoop that low for men, yn?”

Jane always wanted the best for you and you knew she knew what was the best for you too, you were just too foolish. And too in love with a man you can’t force into loving you again.

“I know but please can we not talk about this right now? I just don’t feel like it.”, you asked, looking down on your fingers, ashamed of yourself.

“Alright, I’m sorry, babe.”, Jane hugged your side quickly, before starting the engine and heading back to the dorm. “You know I just want what’s best for you.”

You nodded, looking out of the window with your head full.

_

“Bella just texted me and said her birthday party will be 90s themed? Can’t she be a little more specific?”, Jane barged into the room, looking down on her phone in disbelief.

Bella was a person you two met at college in one of your shared classes. She was a sweetheart, but she was a little spoiled too. The only reason why she got into the college was that her rich daddy bribed them, but you couldn’t be mad, your parents would’ve done the same if they had the money.

She was extremely extroverted, a people person. She probably never had a boring day in her life with all the parties she threw whenever her dad and his 20 something-year-old girlfriend were on vacation or business trips. She even had some celebrity friends and would just casually post selfies with them on her Instagram story like it was a normal thing to do. She was basically living the dream, clueless about what real life for others really was about.

Jane had a love-hate relationship with Bella ever since they met. She thought Bella was a nice girl, but it was ‘unbearable’ to have a conversation with her because she was too self-centered to talk about anything else than herself.

You shrugged. “Just wear something Aaliyah would’ve worn.”

“Hm. Fair enough. It’s really not all that deep, actually.”, She said. “So what are you gonna wear?”

“I don’t even know if I’m going, Bella’s parties are boring.”, you answered honestly.

You really weren’t sure if you’d go. You did feel like seeing people and having a little fun but it wasn’t like you ever had fun at any of Bella’s parties. One time, a guy puked all over a new dress you bought just for the party, and another time, you were forced to drink 4 beer bottles. You hated beer.

“Why not? It’s gonna be fun and you’re coming.”, she decided for you, making you playfully roll your eyes. “And wear that black latex dress, I haven’t seen it on you in forever.”

To say that Jane was a fashionista would be an understatement. She was too invested in fashion to be bothered with anything else.

“Alright, but only if we don’t stay for long.”, you tried to compromise with her.

She nodded. “We gotta buy her presents though. Is there even anything she doesn’t have?”

You sighed, annoyed. “C’mon, there’s gonna be at least 200 people at that party, it’s not like she’ll notice if we just don’t get her anything. Besides, she’s rich as fuck.”

Jane snickered at your comment. “Girl, you must not know her, she checks every damn person and probably throws them out if they don’t buy her a Chanel bag or something. Bitch is a little crazy.”

It was amusing because you both knew that was exaggerated. Bella wasn't that serious about gifts. But let’s just say, for the money that her dad had, she was a little too greedy.

But you were too bothered with your own life than to worry about other's.

_

As soon as you arrived at Bella’s mansion, two security guards were standing in front of the door. They let you in as you showed them your invitations. It was a little bit extra, but that’s just how Bella was.

The first thing you noticed when you entered the house was the smell of sweat and weed. Already? You weren’t really surprised though.

Bella was standing there, wearing a skintight red dress that, ironically, didn’t really fit her own party’s theme. But she did look absolutely beautiful greeting her guests with the biggest smile on her glowing face. She had her strawberry blonde hair down in elegant beach curls and there were some cute butterfly clips placed in them.

You could recognize that it was her birthday from miles away. She was basically shining.

“Oh my god, Jane, Yn!! I’m so happy to see you guys!”, an overly keen Bella came, hugging you both with strength. “Oh, I see you got me something, girls you know you shouldn’t have!”

She tried hiding her smile at the bags in your hands, freeing the two of you from them immediately.

“It’s your birthday, Bella. We can’t just come here without any gifts, girl.”, Jane smiled. “Happy birthday.”

You looked to your side, admiring Jane’s acting skills. “Happy birthday, Bella! I can’t believe you’re 23 now.”

“I know right, if you were a year younger, you’d be as old as your dad’s girlfriend.”, Jane joked around, making Bella hysterically laugh.

“C’mon, almost everybody’s here already”, Bella excitedly pushed you towards the living room.

The room’s stench was even more unbearable than the one at the entrance, leaving you covering your nose for a second leaving out an ‘oof’.

The 90s trap music was heard extremely loudly through the whole house and there were people dancing and grinding. There were some couples that sat on one of the many couches, acting like they were in their own little world. It wasn’t very pleasant to watch, but you just chose to ignore it. The stench was something you couldn’t ignore though.

You were already bored out of your mind.

A few minutes of pure boredom and dry conversations passed then the music stopped playing and you could hear Bella’s voice calling for everybody’s attention. “I’m gonna open the presents now, so everybody come here and Daphne, please bring the gifts here so I can open them.”

Daphne was Bella’s personal maid. She never really talked, but she did everything she needed to. She brought all the bags to Bella one by one and you could’ve sworn she was trying not to cry out of happiness.

“Oh my god, Jackson”, She cried out as she pulled a pair of Saint Laurent shoes out of a box. “These are so beautiful. You even got the right size. Thank you so mu-“

“Bella, I’m so sorry we’re late, we had to run some errands”, a soft-spoken voice interrupted, making everybody in the room turn her way, just to see the charming model with none other than Jeon Jungkook by her side. Wow.

As soon as you turned your head to see who it was, you turned back around, looking at Jane to make sure she saw what you saw. You sent her a questioning, almost panicking look just for her to shrug.

“Yuki! It’s fine, girl. Come here, I’m opening my presents right now.”, The birthday girl exclaimed, making Yuki immediately hand her her gift.

Jungkook was just walking behind his girlfriend, making no type of noise whatsoever and you prayed he wouldn’t see you.

They sat down at an angle where you couldn’t help but look at them though and you were sure he looked at you for a split second as well. They looked beautiful together.

Bella just continued opening gifts and thanking everybody dearly, but you weren’t paying attention to that. You just zoned out for most of it. Those were a lot of gifts she got.

You couldn’t help but steal another glance at your ex-boyfriend and the girl besides him.

She looked even cuter in real life. Her cheeks had a natural blush to them and her hair was long and healthy. She was thin and her skin tone was warm and even.

You’ve always been insecure about your hyperpigmentation, but she didn’t seem to have any problems with how she looked. She was near damn perfect. Perfect wasn’t real, but if it was, it’d be her.

Jungkook probably never had a problem introducing her to his parents or his friends. You always felt like he had difficulties with that while he was dating you. He just wasn’t confrontational enough to tell you he was ashamed to have you as his girlfriend.

You seemed to be stuck in your place while everybody else was either dancing or making conversation.

Jane was sitting next to you, talking to a girl with blond box braids about a new movie that recently came out. You heard what they were saying, but it sounded like a foreign language to you since you weren’t focused.

“Yn? Are you okay?”, Jane whispered in your ear, hugging your shoulder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know they were invited.”

You shook your head. “It’s fine, Jane. It’s not your fault, I just kind of wanna go home.”

She looked at you apologetically. “Can’t we stay for a little while? I promise it won’t take long, I’m just actually having fun here.”

You had to admit you were being selfish, not just in that moment, but whenever it came to Jungkook. You’ve dragged Jane through all of your shit and never really thought about how she must feel like.

Nodding in response to her. “I’m gonna get myself something to drink.”

You finally stood up from your place, looking around unsure, feeling like you’re taking up so much space wherever you go, even when you were doing absolutely nothing.

You wore the latex dress, but only because Jane insisted and made sure you knew you looked good. She convinced you for maybe a second, but all those insecurities were coming back. You tried sucking in your stomach the whole night, but it just wasn’t enough.

You were asking yourself all kinds of questions. If your arms looked too fat and if your cellulite was visible, if your hip-dips were as noticeable to others as they were to you. You felt like everybody was looking and they were judging really hard.

All you wanted was to fade into oblivion.

You were feeling his eyes on your back and god, you wanted to look too but you fought the urge, just continued walking to the bathroom. You weren’t in the mood to drink after all.

Your gut feeling was telling you he was following, but you ignored it.

Until you were about to close the bathroom door and you saw black timberlands stepping between the door and the doorframe to stop you from closing it.

You sighed, opening the door, resulting in him getting in the bathroom with you.

“Why are you avoiding me?”, the handsome man facing you asked, brown eyes looking deep inside of yours.

“How can I avoid you when you didn’t even try talking to me?”, you asked back, looking away immediately.

You hated how your relationship was just a cycle of him hurting you and coming back, acting like he hadn’t done anything wrong. And he was so good at it too.

He chuckled darkly, letting his eyes glide down your body for a second just to look back into your eyes. “You know exactly what I mean, yn. Don’t play dumb.”

You did know what he meant.

“And? It’s not like I have anything to say to you.”

Jungkook came closer to you, softly wrapping one arm around your waist, whispering in your ear. “You don’t?”

You couldn’t believe how shameless he was, being so close to you while his girlfriend was a few meters away, outside of this door, probably thinking he’s getting her a drink or something. You wondered if he did the same thing to you when you were dating.

“Jungkook, stop. Your girlfriend is here.”, you tried to convince yourself you didn’t want it. “How can you even do this?”

“It’s nothing we haven’t done before, princess.”, He kissed your earlobe. “You can’t possibly think it’s okay when she’s not around, but not okay when she is. It’s the same thing.”

You knew he was right, besides, you were just as guilty as he was. You were messing around with a taken guy and the worst part was, you knew he was taken and you still did it.

“I know, but I wanna end whatever this is”, you hesitated to say. “It’s unhealthy and you already have a girlfriend, why don’t you go and kiss her, why me?”

You were avoiding this conversation ever since this started. Sometimes it’s hard talking about things you don’t actually want to hear about.

“What do you mean?”, Jungkook feigned confusion, but you knew better than to believe him. “It’s easier said than done, yn. We have a history together, you know that.”

“I do, but that’s all we are. History. And we should both get over it.”, you responded.

“But what if I don’t want to?”, it was more of a statement than a question, really. “What if I told you, you’re special to me?”

You were gonna have a meltdown if he continued with this. Why was he so fucking complicated? You knew he didn’t love you so what was it?

“But I’m not. The only reason why you come back is because you think I’m easy material. It’s because you were my first everything and it’s because you know exactly how much you mean to me.”, you cry out, tears coming up to ruin your makeup again. You wished you wouldn’t cry as much as you did. “You know I’ll always let you in, no matter what. I know I’m at fault too here and I’m not blaming you, but please for god’s sake, don’t make it worse on me.”

You looked in the mirror, almost not recognizing yourself. You felt detached from reality, but not in a good way at all.

Jungkook scoffed, looking down at you. “I know I shouldn’t have tried talking to you. It’s like you can’t even appreciate anybody showing you affection. I’m trying to prove to you, that you aren’t nothing to me and that’s the response that I get. Not everybody’s against you, yn, you’re just too insecure to notice. That’s why you haven’t ever had anybody showing you interest. It’s because you lack confidence and think the world revolves around you. But I did show you interest. In the past and now. But look at you. You haven’t changed at all, still the little yn who compares herself to other girls and thrives off of male attention, because you can’t believe that somebody could love you just for you when there’s skinnier, prettier girls walking around. So what if there are skinnier, prettier girls around? That’s reality, yn.”

You didn’t know what exactly you expected him to say, but that wasn’t it. Looking at him with big, teary eyes, is that really what he thought of you? Of course, it was. Because it was the truth. The cold, hard truth. Not sugarcoated. He knew you better than you wanted him to.

Without a single word leaving your dry lips, you open the door and run out, ignoring him calling your name and the weird stares people were giving you. You needed to find Jane.

Once you found her joking around with a bunch of random people, you go up to her. You most likely looked like you came out of a horror movie.

“Yn? What the fuck happened?”, she lightly took your face in her warm hands and caressed your cheek worriedly.

“Pl- please, can we just go home?”, you whimpered, thankful that everybody was respectful enough to turn around and focus on their stuff instead of ogling at you.

“Sure, sure. Come here”, she took you in her arms and walked you out of the mansion, not caring to say goodbye to anybody.

_

people who wanted to get tagged in pt. 2:

@1-in-abillion @sarcasmflowsinmyveins @chieftoadturkeynickel @madygswich @kb-bangtanenthusiast

thank you for the support love yall!! 💗

a/n: so i know most of yall probably wanted a happy ending but first of all this probably isn’t the ending:) and i wanted to portray it as realistically as possible. It’s really hard to get out of a toxic relationship especially when you’re so in love with them but i’ll see what i can do to make yn happy cuz girly’s going thru it. Btw this wasn’t proofread so there’s probably so many mistakes and i thought this was very underwhelming but i hope you guys like it thank you!

[sinnerlillith]

Fiction is about conflict, drama and mistakes and the reasons and consequences behind human behavior. People make the mistake of conflating enjoying art with agreeing with what it depicts and that’s just not how consuming media works. I like hurt/comfort fanfic, but that doesn’t mean I want to see my partner beaten up. I really enjoy Hannibal, but that doesn’t mean I approve of cannibalism. What we read, watch, write or ship doesn’t reflect our character. If that were true, Stephen King and George R. R. Martin should both be in prison, and every fan of Die Hard would be on a watchlist. We enjoy stories because they take us outside of ourselves, into adventures we could never have and into the minds of people we could never be. That’s art. And while it’s always important to be critical and thoughtful about how and why we enjoy something, that should never keep you from liking what you like. And it certainly doesn’t make you a bad person.

you straight up copy and pasted this. i have literally seen this argument before. if you’re gonna defend why you’re in love with a racist character, be fucking original. 

like wow thats embarrassing.

anyways, yes it does reflect your character. in certain cases, fiction affects or is a reflection of reality. in this case, it shows that you let pretty privilege win when it comes to seeing red flags in people. it shows what you are literally willing to ignore. You cannot go and say this when you know damn well your attitude towards billy would change if any of these actors played him:

If the face of Billy wasn't some beauty standard pretty boy, y'all would not go this far. Y'all would say things like "he's ugly AND abusive, yikes"

Also everything you mentioned literally does reflect character 💀 it doesn't mean those people are psychos, or how ever extreme you may think, but it does mean that they created "art" with a reflection of how they feel about those topics in those books, movies, and shows.

Art is an extension of the artists feelings and/or mind. Tell me you're not an artist without telling me you're not and artist.

The bad guy portrayed, the good guy portrayed, the plot, the best friends, the character design, the setting even, ect are all reflections of how the creator feels about the topic being brought up, or their values on good, evil, love, hate ect including MEMORIES, which idk if you knew this, BUT ARE A REFLECTION OF A PERSON.

Hannibal kills and eats people he typically hates (like pedophiles) which is most likely a reflection of the creators own hate for pedophiles, and reflection on their views.

Hurt/comfort reflects peoples trauma. Sometimes the creators, and other times something the creator observed. Sometimes, something the creator desires. Ex: they wish to "save" someone and be there for them

Stephen King writes about murder on one hand, and friendship/ family on the other in a "which will pull through" type of way. "Which one is stronger" type of way, which reflects how he feels at the end of the day and how he views horror too.

George RR is famous for GOT, which is straight up about power struggles. This also reflects his character by showing his view on what is basically power politics. How not all the good guys will be in favor. How loss is inevitable in the batte for victory, and that doesn't mean you should essentially "abandon all hope". This is a reflection of what he believes in.

Also, people mainly like die hard for ACTION, which is a reflection of their character because it shows that they are a person who is/wants to be a daredevil, hero, tough guy, ect. if they liked watching people get murdered, that's completely different, but guess what? It's also a REFLECTION OF THEIR CHARACTER.

so you are wrong wrong wrong over and over again. "IT cErtAinLy DoEsnT maKe YoU a BaD pErSon" but it does REFLECT WHO YOU ARE as a person when you like someone as problematic and harmful as Billy.

[ohmyf-ck]

Why I love Rom-Coms: A blatant reminder for future in love me.

I am currently eight months into being twenty two years old and never have felt what it's like to feel love. By love, I mean the romantic kind;not the parent-child or friend love or the sometimes reluctant sibling love. No. I mean the type of love where you think about this particular person every waking hour (not in an obsessive stalker way, just the 'I wonder what they're doing when I'm not there' and 'Are they thinking about me right now?' Okay that does sound stalkerish (note to self: DON'T EVER DESCRIBE IT LIKE THAT TO ANYONE ELSE...EVER!)) Anyway, what I mean to say is that I have never felt the innate need to spontaneously start slow dancing in the kitchen to 'old' music with the person I adore (obviously the nonexistent as of current).

I'm not entirely to sure why I have decided to write this at 2:22 in the morning; whether it's because I just finished watching 'The Broken Hearts Club' on Netflix for the first time or whether it's because I feel incredibly lonely. Let's be honest, as it is, you enjoy watching these sappy fictional stories just so the masochist in you receives some form of gratification. I am really starting to believe that I watch and read these love stories in order to either remind myself how exponentially alone I am OR to remind myself and instead, choose to ignore it by throwing myself into someone else's love story (real or fake) in order to at least feel a sliver of something.

At this point in my life, everyone I pretty much know is in a relationship. My older brother is 18 months older than me and as of current, engaged, expecting a beautiful, bouncing baby boy and is well on the way to buying a house.

My little sister is three years younger than I am and the 'wild child', if you will. She is currently in her second relationship of the year (go her). She claims to love this one and I guess she is the only one that can decide her true feelings.

My point is, when all I see around me is people in 'love' when I haven't even come close to holding hands in a romantic way, is a pain that is indescribable in itself. You can't say it's like heartbreak because to me, heartbreak is a process of mending...healing. I also wouldn't say that it's like grief either because how am I supposed to miss something that I have never had to opportunity to experience in the first place? I guess what I'm trying to get at in a round about way is that the feeling could best be described as a misplaced longing. Now the reason I refer to it as 'misplaced' is because in reality I have everything that one would require to be happy in life. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly happy but as of right now, I feel like a jigsaw missing the last piece (so cheesy). Plenty of people have said to me, "You're young, you have time." OR the dreaded, "Well, you can't rush it, your time will come."

The thing is I know it's true, my time will come - eventually. However, it is heart wrenching to be the only one without a significant other at family gatherings. When all of a sudden you get cornered by an old relative that you haven't seen in a while asking why you don't have a partner and how "anyone would be lucky to have you".

Now, stick with this next bit... it's a relevant tangent but a tangent all the same. So, do you remember your ex best friend? The one that basically mentally abused you and drained every ounce of emotion out of you like the energy vampire they were? Well, ever since you 'broke up' with them, do you remember what your Step-Dad (bless his heart) would always reassure you with? He would say, "Do you know what I see when I look at you? I see a person that someone is going to get the honour of loving one day." Now you're probably thinking, what has this got to do with anything? I think, the reason I bring this up is to remind myself that I enjoy watching these films and consuming this type of media because it gives me a chance to find characters with similar or the exact same qualities as me, recieving the love that they deserve. In doing so, although I am left feeling lonely and empty after these films, once I have had enough time to process...I realise that the qualities that I see as annoying or weird do have a possibility of being just as loved as anything else. And that, well that gives me a fuzzy comfort blanket of a reminder that to love someone truly is to wait for the right time in your life.

[jitterbugjive]

Something I wish more people would understand is how unhealthy and misguided I was in my early 20s. I came out of a life of mental and sexual abuse, for a bit I had a much older boyfriend than me that I didn’t realize until fairly recently was grooming me since I was 14. I was a hyper sexual teenager due to the exposure I had in childhood and I sought people out constantly to ERP with, even adults, without really thinking anything was wrong with that. I had an old friend who started running away from home to look for random adult men to sleep with so my understanding and feelings towards that kind of situation got all twisted and confused and I didn’t know how to help my friend. I had another friend who was pulled in to a 3 way by another minor and an adult, and the other minor was also the sort who actively looked for adult men who would be sick enough to sleep with her. And my best friend had a sister who was also exhibiting this behavior despite my friends’ many protests, because their mom didn’t give a single fuck about anything. I had an older babysitter, by older I mean in his 60s, who would bring up conversations about sex with me and show me porn on TV from when  I was 10-13. I was dealing with unchecked PTSD which made me overly reactive, prone to fits of anger and anxiety.

My point is, back then I didn’t have any kind of professional help or anywhere I could go for answers on things I didn’t understand or had a limited understanding of. When I ask the question ‘what do you do if a kid is seeking out adult sexual attention’ it’s not because I’m trying to blame kids for this, it’s because it scares me when kids are unknowingly, maybe even knowingly, exposing themselves to danger for whatever screwed up reason they may have. And no one wants to talk about that kind of situation, so I couldn’t find any answers. I couldn’t find an appropriate way to process my feelings on the matter, my understanding of it, the way I viewed it, I couldn’t find what the correct way to feel or deal with it was. Again, because no one wants to talk about it. With my naivety and personal experience, I at first held resentment towards kids like that, because I remember being put in danger because of them or they put my friends in danger, and those kids seemed very sure of their choices even when they were perfectly aware it was wrong. One of them I knew, even as an adult, didn’t ever think anything was wrong with what they did, they didn’t come with that regret you hear most people talking about. I regret the way I’ve reacted to these situations and I regret the way I phrased things when I was trying to come to terms with this issue that I’d been honestly traumatized by.

Another thing I didn’t understand in my early 20s was appropriate boundaries, because I wasn’t given appropriate boundaries as a kid I only knew one big basic thing: Don’t do anything sexually explicit with minors.

And when it came to RP, I thought that meant PG13 content was okay. I thought if there was a fade to black, or a time skip, or an implication, it wouldn’t be a bad thing. Now, there are literally only 2 instances I can think of where there was any sort of implication of sexual acts between characters with a minor, I still made sure nothing explicit was shown or explored and I was of the impression that I was just letting the other person have fun because that’s what they were in to. And that was a mistake. Not as big of a mistake as it could have been, mind you, but I’d never cross that line. I thought I had a good line drawn in the sand but I didn’t really understand where it was supposed to be. Because if we’re gonna be honest here, looking back I know now even romantic fluff RP between an adult and a minor isn’t okay, even if it’s through characters and not as ourselves.

I know now how much of an emotional impact RP can have on a person, considering most of my romantic relationships started with RP. When you have a character you deeply connect to interacting with someone else’s character, it’s really easy to start mistaking your character’s feelings for your own. You could believe because your characters get along so well that maybe the two of you can get along romantically too. I’m not saying that RP shouldn’t lead to romance, but that it can easily blind a person from how their RP partner really is. So it’s dangerous to RP with kids like this. I should know, my abusive ex that groomed me until I turned 18 in order to date me certainly had me convinced we were meant for each other just because our characters clicked and my character happened to be a representation of myself.

Something I’m really ashamed to admit as well is a serious misjudgement on my part, where for some reason I assumed bodily fluids weren’t NSFW. Probably because I’ve seen people get away with censoring out naughty bits but leaving the spunk in an image, or just drawing the character with spunk on them or something. Point is, people were getting away with it not being flagged as porn, and my dumb brain was like ‘okay so it’s not that bad’. I need to make something clear here, I don’t entirely remember what happened or why it happened, but it’s true that Bedeviled Derpy had a post that showed spunk in 2 of the images and it was drawn from some sketches of mine by a teenager. I don’t believe I would have requested such a thing, I certainly didn’t script it to say ‘draw spunk here’, in fact the sketches don’t show any indication of a mess anywhere. I just remember being given the finished images with the spunk being added, and I was dumb enough to think “oh yeah this is totally okay for a SFW blog” and my brain didn’t even register like ‘hello yes a child drew this maybe ask them to remove the spunk also spunk isn’t sfw or child friendly in any way shape or form’

Some people, maybe only a handful, or more, I don’t know, but some people have this assumption that my mindset in all of this was like “Hahaha I’m taking advantage of a minor” and that’s just... not it?

I’m a colossal dumbass, I admit that, and I was really irresponsible, but it was NOT because I had any intentions on preying on a child. I just don’t do that.

The things I said and did, I did out of ignorance, and most of the bad stuff people talk about me saying was from 5+ years ago, before I got any help, before I had anyone to walk me through these incredibly complex emotions and opinions that were ingrained in my head since childhood.

I just wish that people could see I had no malice or ill intent, I wish people could realize they’re way overthinking my actions and taking things a lot more personally than they were ever meant to be. Maybe if they could see this for what it is rather than assuming I’m a villain who purposefully did everything wrong, they could learn to move on in a healthy way.

I understand I did a lot of harm and there’s no undoing that.

But I do NOT deserve to be accused of pedophilia. Pedophilia has literally ruined my life and my perception of the world. I’m a victim too, and just because I became an adult doesn’t mean I suddenly know right from wrong. That’s not how becoming an adult works. You’re allowed to make mistakes as an adult, being an adult doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes any more. Yes it’s easier to say to someone ‘you were just a kid, it was a mistake, you didn’t know any better’, but adults have a hard time knowing ‘any better’ too. We’re always growing and learning and I’d like to think people are smart enough to see that I have grown in to a better person.

I hope people can find it in their hearts to forgive me, but I fear some people are too far gone down the rabbit hole of being convinced that everything was on purpose and from malice, that I’m some evil mastermind who thrives on manipulation and taking advantage of kids. I’ve only ever associated with 2 minors since becoming an adult and I have no intention of associating with any more that aren’t directly connected to my family or my friends.

Anyone who actually knows me would know I have a 0 tolerance for IRL pedophilia, when I found out a member of one of my groups was showing nudes to minors he was immediately kicked out and I kept tabs on the situation to make sure he’d be caught by police. When a member in my server was exposed for ERP and orbiting with a minor, I kicked him out too.

I worry about kids to a point that it’s part of my PTSD, I have anxiety attacks just worrying about how a kid might be getting harmed, the last thing I want to do is bring harm to them.

And I did cause harm, I didn’t know that was what I was doing, but I did, because I wasn’t mature enough to understand how to interact with kids as an adult. And again, I’m just incredibly sorry things had to even come to this. I’m not lying when I say I think about this every single day, and sometimes spiral in to really bad anxiety because of it. It affects me heavily.

I want to move on.

And I want the people affected to move on too.

Because dwelling on this isn’t going to do anyone any good.

[megantheestalliongf]

ignore me bc I went on a self destructive spiral and refuse to speak about it to anyone irl but.

i searched for my abusive ex just to see how they were doing and if they were still alive and what happened in their life since we broke up and like. they’re doing so well and they look really happy and they got married last year and have a job they always wanted and im just. not doing well I haven’t been ok since we broke up I think and I told myself for a really long time that I was over it and moved on and dealt with it but now I don’t think I have bc like. I haven’t dated anyone in basically 5 years and I haven’t even liked anyone in 5 years like not even a single person. and when people have asked me out during this time i freak out and get so scared and say no immediately. and even the idea of being someone again is making me feel sick like wtf. And I’m not even angry anymore I don’t think I’m just sad bc they moved on w their life like nothing happened like they didn’t ruin my life for 1.5 years and created a nice life while im basically stuck where we left things 5 years ago. And it’s not anyone’s fault but mine that I never dealt w it in a real way and that I told myself I had moved on and was fine when I wasn’t. but idk it just really sucks to see someone who made u cry constantly and anxious until u were sick every day of the week and let u believe that theu were dead repeatedly for weeks and years w no remorse and put so much on u for 1.5 years doing so well when u aren’t. And I never got closure too is the thing like we broke up and then never spoke again and then 6 months later i realized how fucked up everything w them was and I shut down and that was that I guess. like I never got to tell them how I felt about what they did to me or how they treated me or what they put me through all that time. I was just in this terrible relationship one morning and then by that night I wasn’t anymore and I never dealt with that. And I know the closure iw and is never gonna happen bc 1. Im never gonna reach out anytime soon and 2. They would never reach out and apologize bc they didn’t think they did anything wrong and 3. That just isn’t how this works and I know that, bc even if I reached out and said my piece there is no guarantee they even respond and there is no guarantee that they say sorry and it’s fucking really likely too that they don’t. and for so long I just refused to talk about it like even “””casually””” to my friends if there is such a way. Like my friends didn’t even know their name until we had been friends for 2-3 years bc i just didn’t talk about it or was so vague w the details bc I couldn’t physically make myself say them. and that should have been another clue that I wasn’t as over it as I thought but. And u know maybe I am a little angry still bc how are they going to be doing so well after what they put me through like it never happened while im stuck 5 years ago in some ways. Like why do they get to have that while I feel like im gonna puke if someone even hints that they wanna take me out on a date. and every time I have tried to go to therapy for this like 3 times now something always happens and sometimes it’s my fault like the first time I literally just stopped going bc I was so scared and then the 2nd time I went to see this lady and she told me she couldn’t help me w my trauma bc that wasnf her specialty and sent me to another person but then covid happened after one session and I couldn’t do zoom therapy from my parents house bc they don’t know and I couldn’t do that. And that third time I was really ready to go and put in the work and deal w everything but then I just couldn’t and then I graduated college and those therapy services weren’t available to me anymore and now I don’t know how to do real therapy w my dads insurance and real money. And now that im sittjnf here thinking it’s not just romantic relationships this affects like it also affects my relationships w my friends. Im not getting into that here bc I will really cry over that but it’s def not just romantic relationships or even potential ones. Like my attachment style is so avoidant now and idk if that’s even how it works.

Anyways I’m about to fucking cry so I’m gonna stop but what a fucking realization tonight huh

[that-tall-queer-bassist]

My personal Pros and Cons of my ADHD

Pros

-noticing all the little details and appreciating them in the fullest

-Emotional Dysregulation, because when I get a new plant, or find that one oddly shaped metal marble I lost a while ago, I am so excited it’s pathetic, but I love that feeling of pure joy.

-hyperfixation of the week/day/hour (i know some people describe it differently, let me be pls) . I usually switch between art mediums, and/or a few video games/social media sites. for example, I’ve been on tumblr for 3 hours as i write this, after not touching it for, i think a month?

-nuerodivergent friends. They’re just better.

-the ability to completely drown myself in information to ignore reality. Is it healthy? no. But i simply cannot handle another existiential crissi rn, so i will instead play minecraft while listening to alt rock playlists on youtube because getting spotify sounds like a lot of work.

-my ability to retain absolutely useless information, from either my, or my other nuerodivergent friends hyperfixations/special interests. I can explain to you in terrible formatting if it’s out loud, the evolution, history, training, anatomy and roles of the horse in our world, and how ao3 works, and what makes or breaks a fanfiction.

-Object Impermanence. When i literally hide myself a treat or surprise and forget about it, then get so excited when i do find/discover it again. I hide google questions, and/or song lyrics in my tabs :) its so fun. Also, hiding away stressors. Again, healthy? no, but i don’t feel like having anxiety all day, so whatever.

-Emotional Dysregulation, again. I can switch from sad or angry to happy and excited/content in a few seconds. It’s also great for getting my siblings out of their funk. ex., my sister is mad at me. I make a silly voice repeating what she said or cross my eyes at her. she laughs, then we can talk and have constructive conversation about why she shouldn’t get that upset about me “cutting off her reading time” when we share a room and I want to sleep, and know that she will be very tired tomorrow if she doesn’t also go to sleep. (We have this conversation almost every single night, i’m not even joking)

Cons

-Emotional Dysregulation. When i get upset, I’m Upset. Like, big time, ruining friendships and familial ties if i let it get out of hand, Upset. Yeah.

-Time Blindness. Constantly late, or early, or under or over estimating the amount of time it takes to do a thing, not eating til 4 because you forgot but you also should just wait til dinner, but now its 9 and I still haven’t eaten-

-Executive Dysfunction. I can’t do the things needed to function. Don’t have the mental energy to explain this one, so google it i guess? There’s a whole checklist of things you need to be able to do to function, and i can do like, three on a good day.

-Sleeping Trouble. People with adhd have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and waking up. So, sleeping trouble. So I’m constantly tired.

-Internal Clock is SLIGHTLY OFF. Nuerotypicals have that normal sleep schedule. Adhd ers have it shifted forward by, i think, 2, 3 hours. So we go to sleep later, and wake up later, and that’s the only way to get a healthy amount of sleep. My entire family also eats dinner super late, which might be because we’re weird, but I suspect the inner clock thing cuz we all got adhd.

-Object Impermanance. I hid my math homework one time. I failed that class. 

-Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Never trying, or starting cuz I’m so terrified to get a bad reaction. Constantly masking around certain people to appeal to the few of my Nuerotypical friends. Or, y’know, majority of my extended family. They’re ableist. and homophobic. And transphobic. And racist. and sexist. The list goes on, but, yeah. Never coming out to them! :D

-Masking. It’s exhausting and I can only handle so much of it.

-Not Masking around nuerotypicals. The shoot down after finally revealing my true thoughts, urges, feelings, stims, etc. just sucks. Super disheartening. 

-Squirrel or shiny jokes when they’re made by people without adhd. Yes, I do get distracted by squirrels, and shiny things, and dice. Stop pointing it out, and/or putting me into yet another box of your labeling. 

-saying that I’m lazy, worthless, or a disaster when really it’s not helping. I already have that internal monologue, you adding to it and giving it some truth/extra ammunition is not. helping.

-Emotional Dysregulation. Again, because mood swings. like, I’m trying to be rightfully angry with you. Stop making me laugh with you’re silly faces or pointing out of a weird face someone made in a picture you took. 

-the stigma about the hyperactive subtype. I’m inattentive. I have No Energy. Ever. Sometimes i have restlessness, but there is still no energy. Stop portraying me as bouncing off the walls, especially with caffeine. Caffeine just catches my body speed up to my brain speed, settling me down a bit, at least mentally. 

-people not getting when i say I’m overstimulated, or need some time alone to process or re-energize, and following me, or continuing to do the overstimulating thing. I will literally. lose. my. mind.

-when people shut me down after I share something that is really important to me, or make fun of me for liking something an “abnormal” amount. Flashbacks to overnight camp, when whenever I said anything about horses, they said I had to do five squats, and when i got really excited about discussing the differences in riding styles/types with another person who really liked horses, but rode english, they said that it was obnoxious, when i was just.. excited to finally find someone to talk to and who felt the same way after, basically, years and years of no one getting it or wanting to listen or talking with me about the thing. To this day I don’t discuss horses with anyone, cuz it hurts so much remembering that, and the fear of it happening again is still there. 

-seeing other people be ashamed about their adhd and hesitant to mention until i talk, like, super openly about having it, in like, the first 5 minutes of knowing each other. It just.. hurts.

-I’m super empathetic, not in a way that’s helpful though. Like, wincing, or limping myself because I saw you drop something on your foot, and am imagining it so vividly that it feels like it happened to me. Reading a fic about abuse or depression, and it hitting too hard and hurting me almost physically, and on a personal level because I simply cannot handle it. Feeling someone else’s pain so vividly that i can’t comfort or help them in any way, because I am so preoccupied with  feeling their pain. 

-never being able to finish things without starting something else. All the WIPs in my google docs, istg, i will be driven insane by it. 

(y’know, this was kinda fun. As a rant, but also as a way for me to identify things about myself and my adhd that i like. Like, I know its so much shorter, but I have a hard time with positive self affirmation, so it was kinda nice. I might do it again, but just the pros part cuz the cons are kinda depressing ngl.)

(OH, Y’all should reblog with your own personal pros added on! You can add cons if you’d like to :) I’m just interested in seeing how your experiences/feeling differ from mine :) )

[kusagrasskusa]

Yandere Simulator Delinquents.

They're basically copy and paste. Sooo here's my version of them for future reference! I got too excited writing the last one lol- It's been a while since I've been to inspired to write. This is a nice feeling uvu

Umeji Kizuguchi - Yellow guy

He has blonde, previously pink, hair and golden eyes. He wears a yellow shirt under unbuttoned blazer and carries a baseball bat around. He has a scar over his right eye. Umeji is Oroso right hand man and takes over position while she's gone; these are the cannon versions of him and all that's said.

This is my fannon version of him: He was hurt the most during the bullying and therefore the most fearful of pain. He flinches when touched and gets pissed instantly. He's the most cold and aggressive out of the five and it helped him keep him as the most feared of the delinquents. He works out daily, therefore having a good build and likes bitter foods rather than sweets. He'a quite ignorant and refuses to share his likes out of fear of being judged. He still feels depression but now faces more anxiety than anything. He often cries about it late at night.

But despite his depression, he's so determined to stay as a threat to many. It's the kist alive he's ever felt. He's somewhat narcissistic and has both an inferiority and superiority complex, actually. Sensitive to touch and criticism but damn his ego is big. He uses his strength and speed as another threat to fellow students, to let them know that if they mess up then he'll catch and hurt them.

His home life isn't fun. Parents maybe fighting here and there or gone for work or something. It wasn't abusive in any way or anything; in fact, they get along well when they're together. It's just the parents weren't attentive. As Umeji puts it, "My mom, dad, bless their hearts, but they aren't great." They tend to brush things off quickly and spend too much time to themselves.

Dairoku Surikizu - Blue manz

He has blonde, previously blue, hair and blue eyes. He wears a blue shirt under an unbuttoned blazer and carries around a boten or some shit, idk I couldn't figure it out. He has a scar on his lip and from Mulberry's art, it looks like he's the tallest of the group.

Fannonly, he's the most anxious of the group. He never talks about it to anyone but Hokuto, who brushes it off. Dairoku got his scar a long time ago when his parents were agruing; he hid under his bed when he was nine and started to cry. To calm himself, he started to bite his lip and scratch himself on the forearms and face to calm himself down. He cut himself in the process badly and tried to hide it from his parents so he didn't get yelled at.

His home life wasn't too bad either; his dad left the family not long after that incident when he was nine so his mom has to take on the roles of two people. She never has time for him so the other delinquents make him feel so happy. He likes- no, loves to talk to them but tries to look sketchy in the process.

Hokuto Furukizu - Purple manz

He has blonde, previously golden, hair and purple eyes. From Mulberry's art, he seems to be the second tallest, but very close to Dairoku. He carried around a metal pipe and wears a purple shirt under his opened blazer. He has a scar on his cheek too btw.

Fannonly, he talks most to Dairoku. He usually brushed off what he says, but relates to him most. Of the 5, he desperately wants to be normal and free the most. He was well popular in middle school but his anger once got the best of him and a fight caused him to lose a lot of his reputation. It just got worse as time went on however; but he misses those days so much.

His scare on his cheek came from the fight and serves as a curse mark to him; "The day they ruined my life." He hates looking at it and gets pissed off when people even look at it. He's always been hot headed but his physical appearance is his number one insecurity. Hokuto's homelife is normal and he's goodboi at home. Cleans, cooks sometimes, has an equally good relationship with his mom as he does his dad.

He managed to convince them that his new appearance and signs of depression from last year was just influence from ex friends. Eventually they just took his word for it despite how terrible of a lie that is, so they stopped asking.

Gaku Hikitsuri - Red guyz

According to Mulberry's art, the blonde who once had light blue hair and red eyes is the second tallest. He has a scar on his forehead and carried around a crowbar. His shirt is red and under, you guessed it, an unbuttoned blazer.

He's a genuine tsundere; the angriest of the group. He easily crushes on people like a simp and gets nervous easily, so he acts all defensive and aggressive around them especially. Other than Umeji, he's the quickest to shove people around and assert his position. But for the most part, he intentionally shoves and shoulder checks people he finds attractive or who he thinks is superior than him, which is a lot of people.

He suffers from an inferiority complex that makes him think everyone judges him behind his back and talks about him especially. Therefore, he's the loudest and quickest to insults; he's also very self conscious. He's scared to make noise in class, talk, eat in front of people, and others because he's scared to be judged. Because as long as nothing is brought to the table, there's nothing to judge. His scar was actually from Kokoro, the bully who's just a sadist according to the character files from Yandev, who got pissed at him defending himself and hit him down with a ring. He got cut badly and almost passed out from the hit; but hey, it's not like he can do anything about since she's a girl, and he'd be expelled instantly. The bitch even resulted him with a broken arm at some point.

Home life isn't great; rundown trailerpark, alcoholic dad and whole of a step mom, dead mom, things like that. Damn, if only he got more than a mattress on the floor, a cover, pillow, dresser filled with all his clothes and school supplies to live on. But he can't even get a job without his scar making people think he's worse than what his persona displays.

Hayanari Tsumeato - Grey manz

The grey eyed, blonde hair man with natural red hair who carries around a lead pipe is Hayanari, who's last name "Tsumeato" means scratch mark. He has a grey shirt under his unbuttoned blazer and a scar over his nose.

Fannonly, he was the one with the no fucks given attitude. He was usually straight faced and brutally honest when talking to people, but wasn't necessarily judgemental. It's hard to explain but just because he says, "damn Daniel, you're built like a carrot," doesn't mean he cares about his appearance, even if whoever tf Daniel is actually looks like a carrot or not. He was the daredevil who did things solely for his entertainment.

In a way, it was almost sociopathic or narcissistic; he'd be fine with embarrassing someone in front of anyone because it got a smile our of him. If someone complained, he'd roll his eyes and convince whoever that they were overreacting and that they were the one at fault. He's very manipulative and sarcastic, usually just smiling cockily and speaking innocently. Kinda emo, but he wasn't against that title. He actually liked the occult and for the most part, was down for anything that didn't have too much time needed, like school or family.

He was in the middle of everything; okay with cooking, occult, art, science, reading, anine and games, so there wasn't much a person can dislike him for in terms of social standards. He wasn't appart of a dislikes group like the occult kids or science kids, not with a loved group like cooking or art kids. But when he started to express a bit of interest in the occult was when people could finally pin him down and bully him back for all those insulting jokes that sounded way too serious. And before he knew it, he got wrapped up in the hate and couldn't get himself free.

Home life is something he never, not even to his fellow delinquents, never talks about. But one thing worth noting is that he's never seen without a long sleeved shirt or jacket of some kind. He used to pass out time to time during gym classes because he was overheated due to bringing a long sleeved version of the gym shirt to school and never drank anything. When his parents were called, they always insisted on saying they'll do something about it but they never did, either. The delinquents do think there's some kind of abuse at his house; besides, Hayanari is adopted and those things happen often even if it's more common in the foster system.

His family is something he never talks about. Back in middle school, his friends were able to see his "parents" time to time when they picked him up from school. It was immediately obvious that he wasn't related to them; hell, he rarely called them mom or dad. At home, until adopted, was great. Friends coming over, happy family moments, being able to play games and use electronics, things like that. But when he was adopted was when it wouldn't be easy to just tell someone what was to come; quite obviously, it was abuse. Verbal and physical, nearly everyday. It was worse in the beginning but happened less often as he got older.

His "mom" would call the police a few times him because she felt "threatened." She hit him so he would hit back and yell while doing so, so she has evidence of an attack. But luckily, her skin isn't sensitive enough to show any marks unlike Hayanari's. Other times, his "dad" would get involved and hurt him badly.

[write-orflight]

Songs to Play While Hunting a Killer: Chapter 2

*Gif not mine*

Prev -> Next

Pairings: HotchxReader, Enemies to lovers

Rating: M

Words: 1.8K I know :(

Warnings: None right now, eventually will be smut

Request: OPEN/CLOSED

Summary: Y/N is a Bounty Hunter who always runs. Aaron is the Agent that stays behind, it was no mystery why they didn’t get along. When the two are called to revisit an old case together it’s no wonder old feelings revisit too.

A.N: I know this chapter is short which is why I’ll be updating this again Thursday. It just felt like a good stopping point.

  Chapter 2: Hold the Line by Toto 

You and Hotch drove in silence again, Toto now playing softly in the stereo as you made your way to George Foyet’s. Your left leg propped up so your left arm could rest on it, your fingers drummed lightly on the steering wheel while you drove. You didn’t notice but Aaron was watching you. God, he hated how you were always like this, carefree and blatant disregard for the order of things. It reminded him of when he first saw you. 

Hotch watched the woman sat a ways in front of him, leg propped up and sunglasses on in class. She was obviously hungover and not paying attention, taking the time to balance a pencil on her nose. Hotch rolled his eyes as he saw you check your pager and phone, he couldn’t stand people who joined the academy only to not pay attention to lessons.

“Can anyone tell you the difference between a trigger and a stressor?” the instructor called out looking to the class. He levels his gaze on you on your pager. “Ms. L/N? Since you want to check your phone, perhaps you want to call your dad and ask him for the answer?” He laughs, snottily. 

Hotch watches you peel your sunglasses down to look at him. “Not necessary.” You turn to look at your peers. “A trigger is something that makes one think directly to abuse/trauma, they often lead to flashbacks or intrusive memories. While a stressor is an event or situation that creates a sense of threat or stress and causes someone to lash out or change behavior and sometimes even have a psychotic break.” You say with a bored expression. “Would you like an example of a stressor?” 

“Oh, do you have one?” The instructor asks. 

“Yea. An impending divorce is actually a great example of a stressor.” You say looking him in the eye. The instructor looks a bit shaken. “You’re wearing the same suit from yesterday but it’s pressed, which tells me you spent an unexpected night in a hotel and whenever your wife is mad at you, you take it out on your female students. Especially when she pages you during a lesson which is why you took your anger out on me, a woman checking her pager. I do suggest calling her back though, before she actually is an ex wife.” with that you pushed your sunglasses back up, returning to your pager to your pocket. 

That was the moment Hotch decided he didn’t like you very much. You were smart and skilled, sure, but you were also arrogant to a fault. 

Your phone ringing took Hotch out of the memory. He watched you pull it out of your jacket pocket, smiling at the name before answering. 

“Hey, Seanie.” You croon into the phone. “Yea, I was in Mass last week. Now I’m back, your brother asked me to work a case with him.” Aaron instantly sits up at the mention of his brother. “Yea, I know I said I was going to visit after my bounty, work never sleeps you know that.” You’re smiling at the phone for a second, listening to Sean talk. “Well I can make my way up to New York once we’re finished here if you’re buying drinks.” Hotch watches laugh again. “Alright talk later, kisses.” You say hanging up. You loved when you got the chance to talk to Sean, of the two he was definitely the more fun Hotchner. You looked over to see Aaron leveling you with a stern look. 

“What?” You say. 

“Are you going to be able to focus on this case?” He says. 

“Relax Hottie. I only answered the call because we hardly get to talk. I work too much.” You shrug. 

“And what exactly is your relationship with my brother?” Aaron asked, a little too sternly but he knew your reputation.  

“Your tone suggests you already have an idea of what our relationship is.” You roll your eyes. 

Aaron brings a hand up to his forehead. “Please tell me you’re not fucking my brother, Y/N.” 

You look at Aaron incredulously. “Jesus christ, no. Why would you say that?”

“I know how you were in academy--” 

“You mean when I was in my 20s? Some of us were actually having fun. Not everyone was trying to salvage an already failing relationship with an engagement ring!” You say, you knew it was a low blow but Aaron was basically trying to call you a whore. “And FYI, No, I’m not sleeping with your brother, and even if I was, it'd be none of your business since we’re both consenting adults. But no, He and Katie, the girl he’s been dating for the better part of a year now are just really good friends of mine. And you’d know all this if you ever called.”  You angrily threw the car in park. “We’re here.” You say, instantly jumping out the car, leaving Hotch behind. 

--------------------------------------------  

After leaving Foyet’s (Who thankfully provided you with his other known addresses and aliases) you and Hotch headed back to the FBI Boston office with the rest of the team working on the bare bones profile Hotch already made. There were still a couple things that gave you disconnect. Like why the 911 call was only made for one victim, and the change of M.O when the victims were young women. You didn’t say anything about your thoughts, you always were a speak when you can prove it kind of girl. You ignored Hotch the rest of the day after his comments in the car. You knew you and Hotch weren’t cut from the same cloth but at least you respected him. It was clear he did not do the same for you. 

After working for a while, Hotch sends you and the rest of the team back to the hotel. You sat in your bed still working before you realized Hotch would probably still be up too. You put on your slippers before walking the short hallway to his room. You knocked twice before Aaron answered the door. If there’s one thing you missed about academy days it was the way Aaron looked in regular clothes, not the Armani suits. You looked at the way his broad chest fit tightly against the white t-shirt he was wearing. He was still pretty fit, you focused a bit too long on his biceps before you noticed the eyebrow raised at you expectedly. 

“I was working on the case, figured you’d still be up doing the same.” You say, holding the file in your hand up. “Two heads might be better than one.” 

Aaron thinks for a moment, before sighing and moving aside to let you in the room. As much as he didn’t like you he couldn’t argue with your logic. 

The two of you look over the cases silently before Hotch speaks up. “What do you think?” He asks. 

“The change of M.O has been bothering me.” You say. 

“Change?” 

“Yea, he usually stabs female victims multiple times. But this one he shot in the head once, just like the males.” 

“Could’ve been a time thing.” Hotch says. “He was impersonating a cop, can’t do that for very long.” 

“Or… It’s an age thing.” You say. “All the girls he stabbed were young. I think he’s a Hebephile.” 

Hotch nods. “That’s…. actually a good observation.” 

You roll your eyes. “Thanks, I’m full of them.” 

Hotch opens his mouth to say something but the phone rings. You both look at each other in confusion. Who could be calling this late? He gets up to answer it. 

“Hotchner.” You watched Hotch's demeanor completely change. “Who is this?” You sit up at that, watching Hotch have a very angry and incredibly vague conversation. Not before long, Hotch is hanging up angrily. 

“What’s up?” You ask. 

“The Reaper just offered me the same deal as Shaunessy.” 

“And you didn’t take it?” 

“Of course not.” He scoffs. 

“So what does this mean?” You say, looking him in the eye. He looks back at you, solemnly. 

“I don’t know.” 

——————————————————

Later that night when you’re finally back sleeping in your hotel bed, you hear a loud rapping at your door. You answer it sleepily to see David Rossi standing at the other side. 

“What’s wrong?”

“There’s been another killing. Get dressed.” He says, turning to leave your doorway. You yell down the hallway at him. 

“Why are you getting me and not any of your actual team?” 

“Hotch told me to specifically get you.” He shrugs. 

Hotch asked for you? 

Weird. 

The scene is gruesome. You’re used to seeing dead bodies in crime scene photos because of Academy but never in person and certainly not this many people. 

The Reaper had killed a bus full of people. 6 people plus the driver made 7. 

To make matters worse, he scrawled a sequence of numbers on the windows in the blood of the victims and you still couldn’t figure out what they meant. You and Rossi were discussing theories when you saw Aaron turn angrily down an alley. You and Rossi watch him go for a second before you signal with your hand you’re going after him. Rossi nods, opting to talk to the lead detective. 

You jog down the alley to see Hotch, running a hand through his hair frustratedly. 

“Hottie, what’s wrong?” 

“This is my fault. I hung up on him and then he turns around and does this. It’s my fault—“ 

He has tears in his eyes. You haven’t seen Hotch cry since that night-

Don’t even start to think about that, Y/N. You think to yourself. 

“Hottie...” You say, he’s still looking down. “Aaron, look at me.” He looks up at that. That’s not surprising. You never call him Aaron, at least not since academy. It was always Hottie or Hotchner. “This isn’t you, okay? You didn’t decide to kill these people. A serial killer did. Because that’s what they fucking do! They keep killing people and that’s why there’s people like you to catch them.” Hotch is looking you so intensely in the eye that you can’t help the flutter you get in your stomach. You guys need to solve this case fast, before these old feelings try to come up from the woodwork.

“So do you want to catch a killer or not?” You ask, Hotch nods. You punch him lightly in the shoulder. 

“Thanks, Y/N.” He says, sincerely. 

You shrug. “I’m charging you for the next one. Only the first pep talk is free.” You smile. 

You can’t help the swoon of your heart at the small smirk Aaron gives you.

Taglist: @evyiione​ @weepingmoneywagontoad @yeah-just-ignore-me-thanks​ @dj-lowkey @zizzlekwum​ @blrthelines​ @diesinspanishbcimhispanic​ @liaabsurd​ @genevievedarcygrangerreading​ @softbibxtch​ @monachopism​ @afuckingshituniverse​ @ssahoodrathotchner​