#sometimes i swear this game/the dm is just rolling dice to fuck with me

[quietsamurai98]

[raguonmynieceandnephew]

"It's so unfair to the Rat Grinders that they are killed instantly and the Bad Kids get to roll death saves." SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUP

THIS IS LONG, AND HONESTLY FOR MYSELF, SO YEAH READ IF YOU WANT

I swear to god, this discourse is going to fucking be the end of me. Idk what kind of mind boggling spell Brennan Lee Mulligan wove into the fabric of the universe that spread through the data center of Dropout in order to absolutely hijack y'all's brains when it comes to Cocklord Assgape and her ragtag of character foils but whatever it was has made you Rat Grinder stans INSUFFERABLE in this site.

The levels of treating fictional characters as if they were real people have reached a level I honestly have never anticipated, to the point of y'all actually being mad AT THE CAST for "mistreating" them and ACTUALLY QUESTION BRENNAN'S CAPACITY TO DM. Do you not get how fucking insane that is?

We can't make fun of Copperkettle, one of the most pathetic, petty and incompetent villains in D20 history anymore (even though she is masterfully written and developed to generate this reaction from us) anymore because it's bullying apparently. I saw an account flip the fuck out because someone compared her rivalry with Kristen to Drake and Kendrick's beef. KIPPERLILY IS NOT A REAL GIRL. SHE IS A MAKE BELIEVE CHARACTER IN AN IMPROV SHOW SPAWNED FROM THE BRAIN OF A 36 YEAR OLD MAN

And then what truly pissed me off the MOST about this whole hell is the fact that, being chronically online avid consumers of this goddamn show, I would think you would have but a grasp of the main cast of characters' characterization.

Why the uproar about Riz saying they should chop Oisin's head off? The same Riz who tortured that pixie from Freshman year by shooting off their finger one by one? The same Riz who murked a disarmed and unconscious Coach Daybreak without battin an eye? The same Riz who ATE THE CORPSE OF KALVAXUS?

And the whole Fabian vs Ivy debacle MY GOD, THE GIRL WAS RACIST TO HIS GIRLFRIEND AND USED HER LAST BREATH TO CALL MAZEY "OBJECTIVELY UGLY". And the funniest thing is that is not even the most unhinged shit he has ever said.

And finally, Death Save Gate: THE RAT GRINDERS ARE NOT PLAYER CHARACTERS. THEY ARE NPCS! THE RULES FOR EACH WORK DIFFERENTLY, ESPECIALLY THEM BEING BOSS ENCOUNTERS. Imagine having to still hit Ivy or Oisin 2 more times to kill them when there is 14 foot tall Porter throwing legendary actions left and right, with Jace, and other 3 spell casters + Mary Ann and KLCK up and running. It's called balancing the fucking game. Also, game masters are entitled to break, mold and make up any rules they want if they find necessary in order to service themselves and their players. IF YOU PLAY WITH ALL THESE RULES AS THEY COME, GOOD FOR YOU AND YOUR TABLE. THIS IS NOT YOUR TABLE.

Not only is Brennan DMing for his CLOSEST FRIENDS EVER, he is also shooting and producing an ENTIRE TV SHOW. So yeah, i think he knows wtf he is doing.

"But the Ratgrinders had no real development": True. But it wasn't for lack of trying from the players. Everytime they tried to know more, the dice didn't let them, so they decided to focus on the mystery. It simply do be like that sometimes.

"But they are just kids!": And so were Penelope, Dayne, Ragh, Zayn, the Bloodrush Players, Aelwyn and Biz. Why wasn't it a problem then? Because most of them were evil to some extent and were about to bring the fucking apocalypse to the world? Yeah, sounds familiar right? And the ones who were manipulated or had any sort of redemption worked their way into earning it, right? Yeah.

In conclusion, I fucking love the Rat Grinders, I truly do, and not unlike 90% of this website, i'm still holding on to hope that they have any sort of development and redemption in the last episode, because I agree, they ARE children and they WERE manipulated by Porter and Jace, but like, can we also agree that they are fucking assholes and had it fucking coming? Also, the BKs are children too y'know. SO STOP BEING FUCKING ANNOYING.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

[Sometimes I am VERY lucky with my dice rolls. INSANELY lucky to the point my friends accuse my dice of being loaded. I have a metal blue and gold dice that's always been rather fair, but I recently rolled five natural 20s in a row with it. In the next session that was two weeks apart, the first roll I made with that dice was a natural 20.]

Friend: NO. NO! That dice is LOADED.

Me: I SWEAR TO GOD it's not! You've seen me role absolute shit with that dice!

DM: Let me see it!

[She takes the dice and proceeds to roll it several times to test its balance. (I don't remember the numbers exactly, just a few.)]

DM: 20. 18. 5. 12. 17. 9.

Player: My turn!

[She does the same.]

Player: 7. 10. 16. 4. 1. 17.

Me: SEE?!?!?!

DM: Okay, we're gonna do an experiment. You take my metal dice, and I'll take yours!

[Session goes on...]

DM: Make a sleight of hand check.

Me: Natural 20.

DM and Player: WHAT.

[And on...]

DM: Make a persuasion check.

[I roll. I hold up my hands.]

Me: [Player], look.

Player: A FUCKING NATURAL 20 AGAIN???!?!?!

DM: WHAT THE FUCK

[I am given back my dice, but I don't use it for the rest of the game. I role three more natural 20s throughout the session with different dice. Just lucky, I guess?]

[the-peak-of-despair]

Asahina, Akane, Kaede, and Tsumugi with a Male S/O teaching them to play DND

megatron720 said: Alright, can i get the Male S/O of Hina, Akane, Kaede, Tsumugi (separately) teaching the girls how to play Dungeons & Dragons.

Me when I saw this request: Oh, this is easy, I have some experience with DND! Me when I realized 3 hours ago that I have never played once and am asking my half awake friend and using old notes from a oneshot I didn’t ever do for references: fuck

I loved writing this, though!! I’ve never played DND before and I’ve missed a couple chances, so I hope I did it justice, but it’s super interesting to me!! I hope you enjoy! -Mod Akane

-Aoi Asahina 

”Dungeons & Dragons..? Sounds cool! What’s it about?” 

-She’s excited to get into it, and loves listening to your explanations!

-She gets really confused though, since it gets so complicated sometimes. She’ll just enjoy joining your group for short one-shots.

-Given the chance, she’ll play either a ranger or a fighter. 

-Literally has no idea how to roleplay, so everything she does is just a natural reaction. Also gets very attached to her characters and basically the entire party. If she fucks up a death save she’s going to get emotional. Will demand cuddles later.   

-She doesn’t have the best luck with the dice. You might wanna fudge a couple rolls for her or she’s gonna die by your second session.

“These are cursed, I swear!”

-She cares more about the emotional moments than the combat and the fighting. Guaranteed both your characters are usually in some sort of romantic relationship almost every time.

“(Y/N), can we play some more? This is really fun!”

He chuckles. “Well, the next time we all get together..”

-Akane Owari

”Dungeons and huh? Is this sexual?” She laughs. “I’m just playing! What’s up with it?” 

-She doesn’t really understand a lot of things and you’ll be repeating yourself a couple of times until she gets it. 

“Akane, you can’t just kill it automatically, you have to roll the dice..” “OOOH, hahah, my bad!” 

-100% always plays a barbarian. You should not be surprised. This was to be expected of Akane. It’s Akane.

-She gets roped into it because of the fighting and battles, and her urge to play and overly strong character. She isn’t too good with the emotional moments, so she tends to just sit back and watch. But she certainly gets invested watching the others interact. 

-She gets super passionate during battles and bosses. She will accidentally throw her dice with full force. Yes, they will rocket across the room. Sometimes, they are not always obtainable again. Keep spare dice on hand.

-Ruthless. Absolutely ruthless. Will be grinning wide every time she defeats an enemy, and sometimes the party has to stop her from fighting every NPC you encounter. 

“Come on, man, make these bosses harder! I want a challenge!”

“Akane, choose your words carefully..”

-Kaede Akamatsu

“Dungeons & Dragons? Ooh, I think I’ve heard about it before.. What’s it about?” 

-She’s really attentive, and listening to all your explanations really closely. Also probably taking notes. She’s super invested and interested! 

-She plays a bard. No hesitation. All you had to say was “music.” She’s hooked. 

-She’s in love with the atmosphere, the worlds you create, the creativity of it all! Kaede’s one of the girls who’s more likely to really look at and appreciate all of these things. She especially loves when the group stops at taverns, and meeting the NPCs the DM creates.

“Come on, Kaede, we need to go..”

“But (Y/N)! The music here is so niiiice! And I haven’t finished talking to this guy!”

“We have quests to do, sweetheart…”

-She gets really absorbed in everything, and super into the roleplaying! Though it’ll take her a little while to get adjusted towards combat. But she’s powerful as shit once she gets adjusted. The dice are on her fucking side. Throw those fuckers in the freezer. Something. 

-A general group leader. It’s just a natural role for her, and she’ll be holding back some people from charging into things blindly. 

-Tsumugi Shirogane

“Oooh, Dungeons & Dragons!? I actually know a bit about it!” 

-Bold to assume Tsumugi, Queen of Really Specific And Niche References, wouldn’t know about DND. 

-She hasn’t played in a long time, so she’s happy to have your help to get back into it, and to have any new advice! 

-She’s able to play just about any class, but she defaults to rouge. It’s just what comes naturally. Y’know, sneaking around, mastery in trickery, doing whatever’s necessary…

-She’s into the whole thing. Dedicated player. Master role-player. Will walk into that DND session both perfectly dressed up as her character while also carrying tonight’s snacks. It’s expected of her.

-She’s super into all the characters and will make costumes for everyone in the group. She loves dressing up with all of you. It makes her super happy! 

-Her character tends to stay in the background when she plays a rouge, but in this game she’s really a jack of all trades. She’s at least got experience in most classes and characters.

“Come on, (Y/N)! Cosplay with me! Our characters look so good together!”

“Well, I don’t know if I’d do well...” “You’ll do amazing! You’ve got me with you, it’s just plain to see!”

[mi6-cafe]

DRABBLES FOR WEEK 3 ARE HEEERE!

This week our competitors were asked to write exactly 300 words of pure dialogue inspired by the word: “slip”

HOW DO YOU VOTE?

Read all the drabbles. (they’re below the line)

Choose three that you like the most.

Fill out this VOTING FORM, telling us your favourites. (You can even leave anonymous feedback for the author).

NOTE: If you are a competitor, you CANNOT vote for your own fic. But please, do vote. :)

The voting period ends at 11:59 PM EST on Sunday night. Results will be posted and anonymous feedback will be emailed on Monday.

Drabbles below the cut:

#1

Title: Slip of the Tongue Author: IrishWitch58 (captain-magicalkitty) Warnings:None Summary: Q let's something slip out during a private briefing. James actually does listen, especially when it's something he's been waiting to hear.

“This is a simple concept. Access the control center, find the central station, and insert this drive. Once it downloads, you enter this sequence on the keyboard, and remove the drive.”

“And what does the download do exactly?”

“It will send their outgoing communications to us first, allowing us to know their plans and modify them in ways the receivers will not suspect. The result will be that we will eventually close the net around the entire organization. The concept is not that difficult if you would just focus. I sometimes think you play up technological ignorance to get attention. I suspect I would be out of patience if I didn't love you.”

“What did you say?”

“I said you were playing at being ignorant and we have work to do. Now pay attention. We still have to get through this briefing if the mission is to have any chance of success.”

“I really think the briefing can wait just a bit. I believe you're trying to divert me. I know what I heard.”

“You didn't hear anything except my frustration with your lack of attention, 007.”

“Then why are you blushing, Q? You do blush very attractively. I recall you turned a lovely rosy shade the first time I kissed you...”

“Just stop right there, Bond.”

“Oh no, I don't think so. I especially remember how pink you turned the first time I put my tongue...”

“I said stop it, this is not the time or the place!”

“I'll stop if you admit it. I know what I heard. There's nothing wrong with my ears. As a matter of fact, you seem to like them as handles when I...”

“Dammit, James. Yes I love you, you arrogant, aggravating, man. Now can we please get to work?”

“With pleasure, darling.”

#2

Title: The Village of Barnsley Author: Venstar Warnings: geekery Summary: roll for initiative.

The Village of Barnsley’s life force is slipping away. Peasants are fleeing and some have disappeared with no explanation.

Excellent. Peasants to do my bidding, ha!

Oaf.

No one seems to know the cause of the decay. What skulks through the twisted shadows of the night? It will take a brave and skillful band of adventures to solve the riddle!

I’m brave and skilled, that’s me.

You are weak and your dice are cursed, Alec you’re going to get us killed.

Do you think my goats are going to be okay?

You can sell them.

Never!

If the village is in trouble and they need food for information, we’re selling your goats, James.

Touch my goats and I’ll roll to shoot you with my longbow.

Children, please let the DM continue. I have a meeting tomorrow morning and I don’t want to show up with dark circles under my eyes.

Tanner has to fix the trouble in the town of the MI5 and MI6 joint task force. Maybe taking my dice will improve things for you.

I doubt it. Okay, so this village is slowly slipping away.

What’s in it for us?

Spoken like a true mercenary.

Hey, You want goats, I want benefits.

OKAY OKAY! Your band of merry men-

And women

Your band of merry men AND women

And for those of us who are undecided.

I swear to all that is unholy….YOUR BAND OF MERRY ARSEHOLES has become aware of the changes in Barnsley through some vague rumors. Do you want to roll to hear the rumors?

Yes.

No.

Shut up, Alec.

That’s Sir Alec the Brave to you!

Yes, we want to hear a rumor. Who gets to roll first? Goat man?

I agree one must gather intelligence.

Let’s roll! I want to hear a rumor!

#3

Title: No, YOU do the mission report Author: stormofsharpthings Warnings: none Summary: slip - noun (FOR BOAT) a place where a boat or ship can be parked, between two piers

“007, why are you driving a boat through the harbour?”

“I’m piloting this yacht because it’s too bloody big to leave drifting as a navigational hazard. The harbour patrol would notice and there’s a dozen dead bodies aboard. I assume you don’t want an international incident...”

“Q,tell him it’d only be his third this year...”

“Alec, shut up and make sure the deck is clear. Q, find out where this wallowing scow normally docks, will you? We'll look suspicious if we just wander about like this too much longer.”

“Too late, James, harbour patrol incoming. Q, got any long-distance lasers?”

“Fuck. Alec, can you divert them somehow? We can’t let them board us.”

“007, head to the northern section of the harbour, to a marina called the Golden Seas.”

“Right. Alec?”

“Just steer us straight and leave the distraction to me.”

“006, why are you stripping that corpse?”

“Q, have you got a drone in the air somewhere? If so, you might want to avert your tender gaze...”

“006, why are you stripping?”

“Take a deep breath, quartermaster, I’m about to engage in a distraction guaranteed to send them away.”

“You’re...tell me you’re not actually...”

“Stop snickering, James, and please explain to our poor innocent quartermaster while I shout angrily at the fools who’ve dared to interrupt our erotic escapades.”

“Well, Q, when a boy likes another boy...”

“007!”

“No, quartermaster, Alec is not going to engage in sexual congress with a fresh corpse. But the harbour patrol won’t interfere with a rich man’s pleasure cruise, either. They know where their bribes come from, especially when they’re reminded in such colorful Russian. Entering the marina now, Q.”

“Oh, er, slip 24 is the correct one, 007.”

“Right. Dispatch a cleaning crew and we’ll be happy to report our mission complete.”

#4

Title: Quotable Quotations Author: Anyawen Warnings: Summary: Film buffs Bond and Q trade movie quotes to stave off boredom. Bond slips a serious question into the game.

“I’m bored, Q.”

“You’re impossible, Bond.”

“'I do not think that word means what you think it means.'”

“I know exactly what it means, and if I had any doubt, your picture in the dictionary would surely give it away.”

“'Why so serious?'”

“MI6 frowns on using comms for idle chatter.”

“My flight’s been delayed twice, Q. If I have to watch another woman order some salted, drizzled, whipped, pumpkin-spiced abomination, I will go mad.”

“In the interests of preserving what little remains of your sanity, 'I’ll have what she’s having.'”

“'As you wish.'”

“You already quoted from The Princess Bride. You lose.”

“That was before you agreed to play. Doesn’t count.”

“Fine. 'I’m your Huckleberry.'”

“My what?”

“Oh, you don’t know that one? You lose. Again.”

“What’s it from?”

“Tombstone. 1993.”

“Never been a big fan of westerns.”

“'Nobody’s perfect.'”

“Hmmm. 'I can't see anything I don't like about you.'”

“Ha! 'As if.'”

“'You make me want to be a better man.'”

“'Everything is possible, even the impossible.'”

“'Today is a good day to try.'”

“'The present is well out of hand.'”

“'I love you beyond poetry.'”

“... 'I know.'”

"'I want you. I want all of you, forever. You and me, every day.'"

"Uh. 'You talking to me?'"

"'Shut up. Yes or no.'"

"... 'Surely you can't be serious.'"

"'Carpe Diem.'"

“'Even walls have ears,' Bond.”

“'Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.'”

“James …”

“'Go ahead, make my day.'”

“You’re really doing this over comms?"

"'Our lives are defined by opportunities—'"

"All right, then. 'You had me at 'hello'.'"

“That’s a yes?”

"Yes. 'Come what may.'"

"'I'm king of the world.'"

"Well, your majesty, tickets to Paris and a seat on the Eurostar should have you home in 10 hours. Boarding now. Gate B50. ‘Shake a leg.’”

#5

Title: Freudian Slip Author: SouffleGirl91 Warnings: swearing Summary: Every now and then, the mask slips and he ends up saying exactly what’s on his mind (or, 5 times Bond has a slip of the tongue and 1 time it was Q)

“Don’t you get tired of following orders?”

“Do you?”

“Sometimes. We aren’t their dogs. Stop acting like you are.”

“Alec…”

“We could leave, you know? Make a run for it. They’d never find us.”

“I have to go. I’ve got a meeting with my leash. Lead. With my lead.”

“Don’t stick around for too long, James. Loyalty doesn’t always go both ways.”

“Goodbye, Alec.”

-

“-don’t care what happened with Trevelyan, I will not defend you in front of the select committee a second time. Is that understood?”

“Hm.”

“007, I asked you a question. Is. That. Understood?”

“Yes, mum.”

“...”

“Ma’am. Yes, ma’am.”

“Take some time. Get yourself together before you come back, Bond. Dismissed.”

“...Fuck.”

-

“So? How are you settling back in?”

“Fine.”

“Getting to know the new Quartermaster? He’s quite the-”

“Moneypenny, if M’s busy, you can just shoot me off. Shoo. Fuck. I didn’t mean that.”

“James? I thought we were past that? Is everything ok?”

“I’ll come back later.”

“...James?”

-

“The Van Gogh print I recognize, but what’s this one?”

“Hmm? Oh, that’s one of mine.”

“You paint?”

“Sometimes. When I’m not rebuilding guns for careless agents. They’re just daubs, really.”

“Not at all. I like your arse- art! ...I like your paintings, I mean.”

“...Thanks. I think.”

-

“You should leave.”

“Madeleine, what-?”

“You don’t want to be here, James. I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me back. This isn’t working.”

“So… what? It’s not me, it’s Q- you. You. Fuck. Fuck.”

“Go home, James.”

-

“Q.”

“Bond? You’re back?”

“I am.”

“They didn’t believe me, you know. When I told them you’d come back to me. Us. Shit. Back to MI6, I mean.”

“Actually, you were right the first time.”

“What?”

“Forget MI6, Q. I came back to you.”

“You- what?”

“If you’ll have me.”

#6

Title: Note Passing Author: sunaddicted Warnings: none Summary: elementary school tactics are the very best "So, now we are passing notes as if we are kids still in school?" "I wouldn't have had to, if you replied to my texts" "Maybe there was a specific reason why I wasn't doing that - did you think of it while you folded this slip of paper and batted your lashes at Moneypenny to persuade her to pass it along?" "You really sound unnecessarily peeved by the note passing" "Let's say I just expect a little more maturity from a grown man" "I didn't think you would have appreciated being stalked around MI6 any better" "To be fair... that's true.Oh, stop it! I can hear your smugness" "You can't hear smugness" "When it comes to you? I can" "You're just being dramatic" "You're one to talk. Don't get me started: I'm very busy and I don't have the time to list all the ways and occasions in which you have proved how much of a drama queen you are. I actually don't even have the time for this call" "You could have just texted me your answer - or you know, you could have passed me a note: some of us still appreciate the beauty of the written word, the effort of picking out the best stationery-" "-you wrote yours on the back of a recei-" "-the intimacy of putting your handwriting on display. I could go on and on about the meaningfulness and superiority of handwritten notes" "You're so full of bullshit" "And you're stalling: for someone claiming to be oh so busy, you sure are enjoying keeping me on the phone" "Maybe I'm just making you gag for it" "If only you'd let me show how next to nonexistent my gag reflex is..." "Stop - stop right there.I'll come to dinner, happy?" "Immensely so, my dear Quartermaster"

#7

Title: All Wrapped Up Author: Iambid (Flantastic) Warnings: Mature Summary:  Q gives James a present

“Hello darling.”

“There you are.  R told me you’d taken the afternoon off.  Are you feeling alright?”

“Oh yes.  I got a notification that a parcel was due to be delivered… I thought I’d better be here to receive it.”

“Have you been buying gadgets online again?”

“Not quite. Sit down.”

“Darling?”

“Shhh.  Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m wearing a dressing gown in the middle of the afternoon?”

“Why are you wearing a…”

“Or perhaps you should be asking what I’m wearing under it?”

“Why, what… oh.  Oh.”

“Do you like it?  I found this company online that sells lingerie for men and when I saw that they had a full set in black satin with a matching waist slip and… well, you’re always saying how much you like satin and…”

“Q?  Shut up.”

“Hehe… what are you-ARGH! Jesus fucking Christ, warn a guy next time!”

“You look delicious. I want you laid out like a platter…”

“Yes, but I’m sure I could have laid down on the sofa on my own.”

“Maybe.  Now let’s see… I like the bra-let.  Very sexy, but what I’d really like to see is what these stockings are attached to under your minxy little petticoat… oh.  Well isn’t that sweet?  Do you know, ladies don’t often go for suspender belts these days? It’s all hold ups.  I can’t stand them.  Oh, but this is lovely.  Just look: you’ve got me a little gift too. All wrapped in satin, done up with a bow.”

“It’s not that little, you cheeky sod.”

“Mmmm, no.  Especially not if I do this…”

“You’re a man of many talents.”

“Were they expensive?”

“Were what expensive?”

“The knickers.  I have I feeling I’ll be tearing them off you before very long…”

“They were quite reasonable... Oh James…”

#8

Title: Slip up Author: AtoTheBean Warnings: None Summary: In which Q fails at technology

“You should tell him.” “Oh my god, you are the worst, most meddlesome best friend ever.” “He’s been back six months—” “I’m very aware.” “—and he’s different.” “He’s n—” “He’s different.  Less…" “Of a prat?” “The prat was charming.  Worked on you.” “Shut it.” “Of course, love...  You know, I think these little happy hours of ours might work better on Zoom.  The telephone just doesn’t capture my commiserating, compassionate—” “Ha!” “—expression.” “I’m off duty.  You don’t need to see my pajamas.” “Wouldn't be the first time.  But I agree; they’re wasted on me.  Best invite him over.” “You’re relentless.” “Because I love you.  And you deserve happiness.” “Deserve has nothing to do with anything.  I’ll have to refill my scotch if you’re going soft.” “Time for the second round, then.” “It’s the third, I think.” “Fine.  Third.   You shouldn’t wor—” “Hold on, someone else is ringing in.  I’ll be back in a mo.” “Fine, but I’m not done—” “...Hello?” “Q? This is James Bond.” “...” “Bond?” “Yes... is this Q?” “It is.   I just… I’m on another call.  If you’d hold one moment… “Of course.” “...” “It’s him.  On the other line.  What do I do?  If I talk to him right now, I know I’ll slip up and say something mortifying.” “...This is still James, Q.” “Oh god. Uh, sorry Bond.  Just one moment.  I’ll be right back.” “Of course.” “...” “I hate you.  You’ve orchestrated this, somehow.  Got me drunk and worked on me to tell him how I feel... and suddenly he’s got my number and he's calling on a Friday night…” “...” “Eve?” “Still James, actually.” “Bugger me!” “I was hoping we might start with dinner, actually.  It sounds like the conversation will be... lively.  Tomorrow at seven?” “...” “...” “Somewhere nice.” “Of course, Q.”

#9

Title: Tongue-Tied Author: sorion Warnings: - Summary: Always listen to your Quartermaster.

"For the record, I do not approve of your course of action, 007."

"Duly noted."

"The only time you duly do anything, I would imagine."

"Dearest Q, if your tone of voice had implied that you truly did not approve or, dare I say it, you were even worried for me, I would have done more than note duly."

"Would you have noted aggressively?"

"At the very least, Quartermaster."

"I'm less than impressed. Assailants are closing in, by the way, in case you hadn't noticed. You also have a blind spot, your four o'clock."

"I had noticed, thank you. Keep me updated on my blind spot, please. ... ... ..."

"Bond! Report!"

"Just some unfriendly fire, no need to worry."

"I was not worried. I asked you to report."

"Of course."

"You will take me seriously."

"Always."

"I'd make a note, but there's activity in your blind spot."

"..."

"Move straight ahead. Watch your left."

"..."

"Take the stairs to the roof. I shut down all elevators."

"How very inconvenient."

"It'll be more inconvenient if they shut them down with you inside one. I can take over controls, but even I can't screw in a fuse remotely. And you don't want them to get to the roof before you, do you?"

"..."

"Can I assume from your heavy breathing that you are heeding my advice for a change? ... Don't laugh and run."

"Did you lock the door to the stairway behind me?"

"That goes without saying. They'll break it down soon enough, no doubt... But not before you get to your airlift."

"Smug little bastard, I love you."

"..."

"... Working with you."

"Slip of the tongue, 007?"

"Ah, well. The sneaking around was fun while it lasted."

"... I'll have you know that nobody here looks particularly surprised. Do stop laughing."

"There's my lift. Wait for me."

"Always."

#10

Title: you know my name (or you don't) Author: scarytheory Warnings: none Summary: Bond is bantering with Q over the earpiece. The topic is, as usual, the mystery of Q's name.

“I'm pretty sure it's Quigley.”

“Really, Bond? Do you believe that my parents would do that to me? Also, we should keep it professional while you're in the field.”

“This is a professional curiosity. Anyway, it says Quashawn in your documents, but I don't think that's true.”

”When did you see my files?”

”I'm a spy, remember?”

”I'll need to have a word with Eve.”

“Or maybe it's Quirrel.”

“Ten points for the Harry Potter reference, but sadly, Quirrel is a surname.”

“So you are admitting that your first name starts with Q?”

“No! Just concentrate on the mission, Bond. Seriously, sometimes I ask myself, how I could love such an annoying git.”

“…”

“…”

“What?”

“What?”

“You're in love with me, Q?”

“No, that would be absurd! It was a slip of the tongue.”

“Ha!”

“Don't flatter yourself, Bond, it's just an expression. It wasn't meant in a romantic way at all.”

“So you love me non-romantically? That makes sense.”

“Oh, no. We are NOT doing this. Can we please go back to your obsession with my name?”

“Perhaps later, this is much more interesting.”

“Don't be a child, Bond. And thanks to you, now I'll need to burn this tape.”

“Such a shame. You could have a beautiful reminder of your love confession.”

“Bond! What do you need me to do to let this go?”

“…”

“Shit. I have to tell you my name, right?”

“I think that could work.”

“And if I do that, you promise that we'll never speak about this ever again?”

“Yes.”

“Well. Okay.”

“So?”

“It's John.”

“Really? That's…”

“Boring? Disappointing? Should I change my name to Quasimodo?”

“No. I actually like this one a lot. And… John?”

“What?”

“When I come back, we should discuss my alleged unprofessionalism over dinner. Non-romantically, of course.”

#11

Title: Static Author: Ksania / @starrboned-art​ Warnings:  Implied canon-typical violence Summary: Bond and Q find themselves in a predicament.

"007."

"..."

"Bond."

"Mmh."

"James!"

"Oof!"

"Good, you're awake."

"I was awake this whole time."

"Of course, my bad for thinking otherwise. Your drooling face is obviously a technique to disarm your captors."

"Glad we're on the same page."

"Indeed."

"....Where are we, exactly?"

"And here I thought you were completely awake this whole time."

"Q."

"I don't know. A warehouse is my best guess. A few miles from London. Grabbed us on the way to Heathrow - how's your head?"

"Hmm, like I got hit by a two-ton truck."

"Memory still intact, I see."

"How are you awake?"

"Luck. Looking harmless enough not to be kicked in the head."

"Ha... Sitrep?"

"Three hostiles at least. One leader, two henchmen. Put a sack over our heads on the way here. Haven’t demanded anything yet - I guess an hour has passed since the car crash."

"Handcuffs?"

"Lockpick, back of the belt."

"Convenient."

"Bond! That is not my belt."

"Sorry, Q."

"Careful, Bond. Slip your fingers in the wrong pocket and you might find yourself without a hand."

"Why, Q, that's quite the image."

"Just get it done, I hear footsteps-"

"Hush, I almost have it-"

"Ah, I see you're finally awake, Mr. Bond."

"You have me at a disadvantage, Miss...?"

"No need for names. You gave us quite the chase in Berlin, Mr. Bond."

"If you wanted a private audience, you should have just said the word. No need for a crowd."

"No? I feel that your boy toy will be quite persuasive."

"Don't you dare-"

"My, villain standards are slipping these days."

"Q!"

"I'm quite alright, Bond. Told you to be careful with what you touch."

"What was it?"

"Oh, just a normal, state-of-the-art taser. Disguised as a credit card."

"And you never gave me one?"

"Only good boys deserve nice toys."

#12

Title: tête-à-tête Author: azure3795arts Warnings: none Summary: short conversations -

“—Focus on my voice. Breathe. In then out—”

“Q?”

“Yes. I’m here.”

“Sorry, but... Getting a little fuzzy.”

“Hold on. Evac on route. 2 more minutes.”

.

“I”m afraid I’ll have to see you later, Q.”

“What? 007, What do you—wait—”

“Take care of yourself.”

“No. Bond. Bond!”

-

“You know what they say about sleeping at your table.”

“That I’m dedicated to my work?”

“No. That you’ll drool and get a stiff neck for your trouble.”

“I don’t drool.”

“Sure. I thought I told you to take care of yourself.”

“Don’t you dare use that card with me, Bond.” – “Not after you did.”

“Resurrection. Hobby—”

“Shut up. You don’t have any equipment to turn in, so do us both a favor and get out.”

.

“Good morning to you, too, Quartermaster. I’ll leave you to it.”

.

“... Bond.”

“Yes?”

.

“Welcome back.”

“Thank you.”

-

“Does M not have more missions for you, or are you just going into early retirement?”

“Well, you saw the medical file, Q—”

“Bold of you to assume I keep track.”

“Hmm.” 

“I don’t suppose I can tell you to bugger off from my flat?”

“You can.” – “At the risk of abusing an injured personnel.” 

“That’s rich coming from you.” – “Whatever. Stay or leave, just pick one and stop bothering me. And don’t disturb the cats.”

.

“I won’t.”

-

“Why keep a cot here if you’re not going to utilize it. At least drag your arse on it.”

“You have no right to tell me where to drag my arse, Bond. No right.”

“Yes, and I suppose you didn’t just nearly walk into a wall.”

“That was one time.”

.

“You can’t keep doing this, Q.”

“What do you—Who is it?”

“Q…”

“Oh, Miss Moneypenny. Come in.”

“Just... Who were you talking to just now?”

.

“Nothing. No one.”

#13

Title: Lingerie Author: sparklycitrus Warnings: None Summary: Q and Moneypenny have a pleasant chat on a Friday evening off-work.

“Eve, hello. What can I do for you?” “Hello dear boffin. Are you alone?” “Er, yes?” “Oh, good. Don’t worry, nothing disastrous has happened, I just need your expert opinion on a minor personal emergency. Hold one sec, I’m going to call you back on video.” “Video? Wait, what-?” -- “Hello again. Sorry, have I caught you at a bad time after all?” “Pardon my state of undress. I was just getting ready to go out.” “Ooh, is it a date? Who is it? No one I know, I hope.” “Eve – your emergency?” “Right, do change the subject. Well, no matter, here – gold or blue?” “…what?” “Gold, or blue?” “Are those… meant to be worn on a moving body? The construction doesn’t look sturdy enough for, well, anything really.” “You can come up with a detailed improvement plan later. Which one looks better?” “On you?” “No, on M. Of course on me. Tonight. Under a cocktail dress. Personally I like the gold one – makes my bosom look fuller, no? But the blue is a nicer color. And it works better with my shoes.” “…It has to match your shoes?” “What, you think I’m going to stand in a stranger’s bedroom barefoot. What kind of girl do you take me for?” “Uh…right. Apologies. The gold one, then. The brown accents compliment your eyes. The overall structure is more pleasing on a feminine curve. And yes, it does make bosoms look fuller.” “Excellent. Thank you darling. Now carry on with your evening. I shall go get ready myself.” “Ahem, where did you find these anyway?” “An absolutely adorable online boutique! Good prices, too. Why, thinking of getting one for yourself?” “…” “Oh, oh god. You are seeing someone. Oh it better not be–” “Goodbye, Eve. Have a pleasant evening.” “Q–Oi!”

#14

Title: Slip Over Pints Author: ladymars Warnings: No Warnings Apply Summary: R and S try to advise Q.

"I don't know why I let you two drag me here. Three Science Branch heads at the same place outside of Headquarters? There must be guidelines against this." "Well, I think that's 004 flirting with one of the secretaries, if that makes you feel better." "And this place does make M's favourite chips." "So, have another pint and tell us about your little crush..." "Oh, shush, R. It's nothing like that." "Q, dear, I heard you over the roar of the chemical hood. If Bond didn't hear you, he must be deaf from standing too close to explosions." "Hell, I heard you from across the room even. 'Why don't you go and-'" "I know what I said! It was just a slip of the tongue! Nothing more!" "I think you want a slip of something else from him..." "God, S, you're almost as vulgar as the agents. Leave poor Q alone." "If I'm as vulgar as the agents, then Q definitely has a chance with 007. I bet Bond'd appreciate the honesty." "...You'd really think so?" "Q, don't-" "Yeah! You have to be direct with guys like him, or else he's never gonna understand." "Well, I suppose S has a point... Even if he did hear you, he might not have noticed the double entendre." "Ugh, I'd say I was as direct as him driving a car into the side of a building." "He's going to try to justify it like you're justifying it now. Doesn't he spend all his inactive time at Q Branch?" "He hangs out around my Branch to get at the better weapons, obviously." "Or to get at the Quartermaster. We're trying to save you some time here. Turn the slip of the tongue into a slip into bed." "S, honestly, as bad as the agents..."

#15

Title: Not A Contract Author: Shush_MummyWriting Warnings: None Summary: Department heads are always swamped with paperwork.

“Eve, what is this?” “My darling Q, that is an EMP172 form – Official Notification of Intimate Relationship between Staff Members.” “But why is it on top of my Executive Signature pack? Am I supposed to give it to someone – it’s not Robert and that girl from Accounting is it? I’m the Department Head, I shouldn’t have to deal with personal things like this. That's for HR.” “Sweetheart – it’s for you.  I even thought I would save you some time, see on page two - I have already filled out James’ details.” “I beg your pardon?” “You and one ruggedly handsome James Bond of course. That fish mouthed look is very unbecoming Q dear.” “But……” “But nothing. It’s just a slip of paper, not a contract. I am quite frankly tired of watching the two of you dancing around each other. It is time you both did something about it. And if you boys ever decide to make it completely official, I expect some credit during the Wedding speeches.” “Check the back page.” “DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT!” “You’ve already signed it.” “Of course.” “Eve, please shut the door on your way out.” “I’m not going to sign this, until you have taken me out on a proper date.” “I have a booking for us, for tonight, at the Ritz. I’ll pick you up at your place at seven.” “How do you know where – no, never mind. Seven it is.” “And Q, that grey suit you wore to the Ministerial meeting last week, wear that – please.” “Alright. Now get out of my office. See you at seven, 007.” "If we are going to do this, I think you should start calling me James." "James. But call me Q - don't want you slipping up on mission."

__

Thank you to our amazing drabble writers for their contributions this week! 

And thank you to you for reading and voting. You can see the results here.

[imagineaworlds]

Even Ground -- Mike Wheeler

Written By: Miranda @burrsentme​

Request: “Can you do a mike x reader? Where the reader is a part of the party, and when Will goes missing they like distance themselves from her because they don't want her to get hurt because of the demogorgon. And like the reader sees them with El and she feels replaced and she runs off upset and the demogorgon gets her and they get her back and mike is crying and saying how scared he was and the reader confesses that she likes him and he likes her and just fluffy reunion stuff? Thanks!”

Warnings: light swearing, demogorgon attacks reader

Pairing: Mike Wheeler x Reader

Word Count: 1482

Listen To: Hazy Shade of Winter by The Bangles (from the stranger things soundtrack)

“A long, dark hallway stretches before you. There’s some kind of light coming from under a door at the end, but none of you can see it.”

“I light my torch,” Dustin says, leaning into the table.”

“It probably won’t work, all of our stuff got soaked in the lake, remember?” Will sighs.

“Shit,” Dustin says.

“Roll a d10,” Mike declares. Dustin picks up his d10 and tosses it across the table, and groaned when it landed on 2.

“Sorry dude, no luck with the torch,” Mike shrugs.

“I cast Arcane Eye,” you mumble, fumbling with character sheets and dice.

“Roll a d20 for dexterity,” Mike says.

“What?” you ask.

“Roll a d20 for dexterity,” Mike repeats.

“This isn’t a dexterity roll Mike, I’ve got proficiency in divination,” you argue. Will leans over to get a glance at your spell list, and nods along with you.

“Are you the DM?” Mike asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Don’t be a dick, Mike, Y/N is right,” Lucas chimes in.

“Fine, fine,” Mike relents. You stick your tongue out at him and he laughs and throws a d8 at you. You dodge it and squint suspiciously at him but go back to the game.

The DnD session continues, and all of you scream and gasp as you are confronted with the demogorgon. All of your characters have a brush with death before narrowly defeating the monster.

After the session ended, Mike offered to ride you home while the other guys went their separate ways.  You, of course, agreed. Everyone in your group knew the two of you had a crush on each other, so they all left quickly.

“Sorry about earlier, I was being kinda rude,” Mike says while you slowly pedal through the town.

“It’s alright,” you say, “though the dice throwing was a little harsh.” Mike laughs and shrugs as the two of you turn down your street. You coast up to the driveway of your house and stop just in front, along with Mike.

“Thanks for riding me home,” you say, looking down at your bike handles.

“Thanks for coming to play with us, I know we’re a lot to deal with sometimes,” Mike replies.

“You guys are my closest friends, you couldn’t get rid of me if you tried,” you laughed while stepping off of your bike.

“Hey Y/N?” Mike calls as you begin to walk your bike up the driveway.

“Yeah?” you ask, turning towards him. He’s quiet for a few seconds.

“S-See you tomorrow,” he stutters out before quickly beginning to pedal away.

You watch him ride down the street, not believing for a second that’s what he wanted to say. You decide to pester him tomorrow at school until he tells you what was really on his mind.

The next day, however, your friends are nowhere to be found. You find out through gossip that Will has gone missing and right after the bell rings you’re on your bike pedaling to Mike’s house.

You frantically knock on the door and Mrs. Wheeler answers.

“Hi, Mrs. Wheeler, is Mike here?” you ask while trying not to seem so nervous.

“I’m afraid he’s not, sweetheart, I’m sorry,” she answers and you nod, running back to your bike and pedaling off once again. You head to Lucas’s house, they’re not there. Dustin’s house, not there either. You’re too scared to go to Will’s house. You know him mom must be frantic and you have a strong suspicion the boys wouldn’t go there. You decide to go home and try to contact them through the walkie-talkie system.

“Hello? Mike? Lucas? Dustin? Where are you guys?” You call into the device. No response.

“Come on guys,” you whisper,”...I heard about Will…I know you’re looking for him and I wanna help!”

“Not now, Y/N.” Dustin voice crackles out.

“Dustin? Come on just tell me where you guys are I’ve been looking all day for you!” you say.

“Dustin! Don’t leave me in the dark, guys!” You yell into the walkie-talkie, but you receive no reply. Not then, and not for days. You constantly try to contact them but you’re consistently ignored. It’s only when you just so happen to be sitting in your room with the walkie-talkie do you overhear something.

“At the school...El...meet…” Mike says. You can only hear fractions of the conversation, and you don’t know who ‘El’ is, but you know they’re heading to the school, so you jump on your bike and ride as fast as you can. On your way, you spot a group of boys riding their bikes and you know it has to be them, so you speed to catch up.

As you get closer, you notice there’s a girl on the back of Mike’s bike. You’re confused, you’ve never seen her before.

“Hey! Guys! Wait up!” you yell. Lucas and Dustin turn, and so does the girl, but Mike continues looking straight ahead. The girl stares at you, and you can see her nose is bleeding. She doesn’t smile, or look curious, just stares. You’re unnerved by her glare.

“Mike! Slow down for just a second!” you yell again.

“Go back home Y/N!” Lucas yells, and you’re stunned at the anger in his tone. You slow your bike and let them get further and further away. Did they not need you anymore? You wanted to help find Will. You were his friend, too. Maybe that girl doesn’t want you around. She didn’t look very friendly. You decide that you need to find out what’s going on so you keep riding, but far enough so your ‘friends’ don’t see you.

When you arrive at the school everyone is already inside, so you quietly set down your bike and head inside. You sneak around the halls, looking for the boys when you hear an inhuman screech from just down the hall. You press yourself up against the wall, trying to avoid being seen by whatever that thing was. It turns the corner and you involuntarily scream at the sight of it. It looks horrifying and is easily two feet taller than you. You hear Mike yell from the opposite direction.

“Y/N?! Was that you?!” he sounds panicked. He turns the corner behind you and sees both you and the monster.

“Y/N! Get over here! Run!” he yells, but you’re frozen with fear. You can’t turn or move away from the monster, you can only stare as it runs toward you. It picks you up and throws you over its shoulder before turning and running the direction it came. You’re turned and you can see Mike screaming at you and you scream back at him. Tears are running down your face as you reach out for him, then suddenly, you’re being thrown onto the ground and the monster runs quickly away. You turn to see the girl from before with her hand outstretched and blood running over her lip.

You stare at her in awe before hugging your knees and sobbing into them. Mike is with you on the floor in an instant, hugging you and cradling your head as you cry. You release your legs and cling onto his shirt, and you can hear him sniffing above you.

“God, Y/N, I was so scared I was gonna lose you,” he says, pressing his cheek onto the top of your head.

“What was that thing?” you ask.

“The demogorgon. It’s a long story. Jeez, Y/N, I’m so sorry for leaving you out of this.” he whispers, as he hugs you even tighter.

“Yeah, dick move, Mike,” you respond. You push yourself out of his hug and slowly stand.

“I just wanted to keep you safe,” he says, standing as well.

“Yeah, and that worked out great,” you groaned while feeling all of the bruises forming from being grabbed and then dropped. You walked the few steps to approach the girl.

“Thank you for saving me,” you say, extending your hand for a handshake, “I’m Y/N.”

She stares at your hand and then simply says “El.” You awkwardly drop your hand and nod, walking back to Mike.

“You replacing me, Mike?” you laugh a little, but he can tell there’s some hurt in your voice.

“Never. I like you too much to replace you.” he says, taking your hands in his.

“I like you too. Though probably not in the same way,” you whisper.

“Well if you like me in the ‘I love you’ way, then I’d say we’re on even ground,” he says, pulling you in for another hug.

“I guess we are then,” you reply, putting your hands around his waist. He pulls back and you can see the blush on his cheeks and you know yours are red too.

“What now?” you ask.

“We go save Will.” he responds. You nod, and he takes your hand in his.

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