#sometimes i guess it’s because i’ve accidentally followed someone

[metalcorebarbie]

Sage for the color ask thing, except definitely leave out the part about blocking you. I'm not doing that. I just genuinely have no memory of how, why or when I followed you😅

Fair enough, I don’t always remember why or when I followed someone either. 🙈

[yuyusuyu]

the law of attraction!

pairing. non idol! uni student! choi san x non idol! fem! uni student! reader

synopsis. is it a blessing or curse in disguise that you and your best friend are in the same psych 340 class? you're not quite sure and you don't want to know either because you get to spend time with your favorite in this entire world - until it starts becoming too hard to control the feelings you have for him. choi san is everything and more to you and you desperately need to be away from him before you accidentally end up kissing him one of these days. except, your prof seems to have different plans when he assigns you and san to be partners for a project... on the law of attraction.

warnings. a little kiss, cursing, a little jealousy, a dt (someone save wooyo!), food/eating

genres. fluff, comedy, romance, friends to lovers, mutual pining

ft. non idol! yeosang, non idol! wooyoung

wc. 3.2k

reblogs and comments are appreciated! helps with not getting shadowbanned!

TRUTH be told, if someone were to tell you that your professor would assign your best friend as your partner to do a research paper on the law of attraction, you’d laugh in their face. why would you do that? it’s simple really: you’d been trying for years (three to be exact) to get choi san to look at you in a romantic way, but nothing ever happened. so why now? why did the universe suddenly do this to you after you swore you’d try moving on from that man? what’s worse is that you have to work on this paper for half of the semester, and you think you’d rather go insane than to work on the paper with choi san.

but that’s how you find yourself sitting across from san at the table in your apartment, laptops open as you both type away what research you find, piping up once in a while to talk about what you’ve found. your mouth runs dry each time you look up to peer at san, taking notice of how his glasses would sometimes fall down the bridge of his nose only for him to push them back, taking notice of how he’d run his hand through his newly-dyed red hair, taking notice of how he’d furrowed his eyebrows when reading something on the screen. eventually, san stretches in his seat, eyes flickering over to you and finding you already staring at him.

he blinks at you, tilting his head. “is there something on my face?”

you shake your head, looking back at the screen in front of you. “no, i was just thinking,” you mumble, already typing away. “you know i have a bad habit of staring at anything when i’m thinking.”

san chuckles softly. “you’re right,” he says, sighing. “have you found anything new?”

snorting, you look up at him. “besides the usual? like attracts like? positive thinking only?” you close your eyes. “i think i’ve hit a dead end over here, what about you?” you open an eye to look at him.

the male also shakes his head, a small smile on his lips. “i’ve basically found the same. how about we start sorting out what we want to include?”

“sounds like a plan,” you groan, stretching your fingers out. “but can we take a break first? i think my ass is numb.”

san laughs. it’s a hearty sound, something that makes you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside knowing that you’re the reason behind the dimpled grin on his lips. eventually, he calms down and nods, standing up and disappearing into your kitchen. “do you want something to eat?”

“are you asking that as you raid my fridge?” you stare in amusement as san pops his head out from the kitchen, sticking his tongue out at you before retreating back inside.

“yes,” he calls out, followed by the sound of him rummaging through whatever you have. “but i’m also asking in case you’re hungry and want something to eat.”

you think for a moment before replying. “i guess,” you drawl out. “or do you want to order take out?”

“take out!” san says, emerging out from the kitchen. “dude, you have absolutely nothing in your kitchen.”

grimacing, you take out your phone. “i guess that means i have to go grocery shopping on wednesday,” you glance up from your phone, looking at san through your eyelashes. “what do you want to order?”

“a pizza is fine,” he replies. “or fried chicken? i don’t know, you pick.”

“but sannie,” you whine. “you know i can’t choose!”

“okay, okay,” he says, holding out his hand. “i’ll choose, and we’ll split the bill.”

“thank you,” you sing, kissing his cheek and skipping over to the couch where you fall face-first into the cushions.

san laughs before you feel that he’s standing on the other end of the couch, lifting your legs up so he could sit and letting them drop on his lap. “here,” he says, tapping your back with your phone. “i ordered from that pizza place down the street. it should be here in half an hour because they got a lot of orders today.”

“damn,” you say, your voice muffled. “i guess that means we’re going to have an hour-long break.”

“um, no,” san says, chuckling. “we’re going to have a thirty minute break, talk about the project, eat and talk about the project, and then work on the project.”

“project this, project that!” you shuffle around so you can look at san, your cheek pressed against the couch as you reach out to grab your phone. “how about we work on it tomorrow? it’s getting pretty late, you know.”

humming, the male pats your legs, taking out his phone to scroll through whatever he opened. “nice try, yn. but we are going to finish what we started.”

“yessir,” you mumbled, turning to face away from him and going on your phone. it’s then that you see that you have an unread message from someone. tapping on the icon, you see that yeosang, a childhood friend of yours that san has yet to meet, sent you something. yeosang’s humor was a little different from yours, but you found everything funny, so you start laughing at what he sent, shooting up to sit straighter. “you’re stupid,” you laugh, recording what you had just said before typing something else.

san leans over, peering down at your phone. “yeo?” he says, his eyebrows furrowed. “who’s that?”

“yeosang,” you say, your laughter subsiding into giggles, continuing to type as yeosang immediately replies to your message. “you know, my childhood friend.”

“ah,” he hums, nodding. “the one who goes to the uni on the other side of town?”

you nod. “that’s the one! i think he’ll be dropping by to visit. said he’s free this whole week because he finished all of his assignments last week. oh my gosh,” you gasp, turning around and smiling at him. “you two can finally meet each other!”

san laughs softly. “right,” he says. “finally meeting the guy you grew up with.”

“yup! yeo is kind of awkward, by the way,” you say, going back to texting said person. “but he’s a great guy once he gets comfortable with you.”

“is that so…” san mumbles, glancing at you before turning his attention back on his phone. “well, i can’t wait ‘till then.”

it’s then that the doorbell rings. you stand up, heading over towards the door. san jumps up when you squeal, only coming face-to-face with you hugging some guy like your life depended on it.

“yeo, i thought you weren’t stopping by until thursday?”

san feels his stomach drop to the ground as he realizes that the guy you were just hugging, the guy who looks way too handsome for his own good, the guy who is making you smile so much that you seem to be glowing, is none other than this kang yeosang guy he’s been hearing so much about since he meet you in your first year of college together. it’s funny that it’s taken so long for him to meet yeosang, having befriended you instantly after meeting each other at orientation three years ago. he kind of wishes this moment never happened because damn is he feeling so insecure right now.

“yeo, yeo!” you grab his hand, a bounce in your steps as you lead him inside your apartment, yeosang clutching onto the pizza box as he lets you lead him inside your humble abode. you stop when you’re standing in front of san, still grinning. “this is san, the guy i talk to you about. san, this is yeosang, also the guy i talk to you about.”

yeosang places the pizza box you two had ordered on the table next to him, turning around and awkwardly sticking his hand out. “nice to meet you,” he says.

san looks down at his hand, staring at it before slowly reaching out to shake it. he accidentally ends up using a little too much strength because when he looks up to face yeosang, he finds that yeosang is taken aback. he’s confused for a second before yeosang’s grip becomes stronger, taking san aback this time because wow is yeosang strong.

“oh, uh,” yeosang is the first to pull his hand away, sending san a weirded out look of sorts before gesturing towards the pizza box that sits on your table with a nod of his head. “i got this from the delivery guy before ringing the doorbell.”

“thank you, yeo.”

when san glances at you, he’s surprised to see you and yeosang already standing next to each other, looming over the pizza box as you open it. you glance back at san as yeosang holds out a slice for himself and you, motioning him over with a wave of your hand. as he grabs a slice, you whisper something into yeosang’s ear, the male nodding and going over to sit in a chair while you grasp san’s arm, gently pulling him away and into the corridor that leads to your room and the guest bedroom on the opposite end.

“what’s wrong?” you ask, effectively snapping san out of his thoughts.

he clears his throat, pushing his glasses up his nose and then rubbing the back of his neck. “nothing,” he says. “why?”

you narrow your eyes at him, shifting your weight onto your right leg. “because you’re acting weird,” you huff. “listen, if you feel uncomfortable with yeo, tell me, san. i want both of my favorite people in this world to get along with each other.”

favorite people. he, choi san, is one of your favorite people. he hopes it’s just him and mr kang yeosang that’s sitting at your dining table eating away at the pizza he paid for the both of you… regardless of the elephant in the room (in his mind, that being yeosang), san still feels giddy because you just said he is one of your favorite people in this world.

so he nods, following you back into the living room only to deflate when you and yeosang are basically in your own little world.

this, he realizes, was going to be a long night and you two probably won’t be able to finish the goal at hand: the research paper on the law of attraction.

“i’m telling you man,” san huffs into the phone, glancing out of the corridor to see you and yeosang chatting away. “yeosang and yn are attached to the hip… and quite literally!”

he hears wooyoung cackle through other line, wincing at the sound and lifting his phone away from his ear. “dude,” he says. “i told you time and time and time again that you should just make a move on her already!”

san barely gets to reply while he’s busy glaring holes at the back of yeosang’s head, almost choking on air at wooyoung’s next words.

“yn is so in love with you!”

coughing, san glances back to see you turn your head in his direction, worry written all over your features. he quickly hides behind the wall, his back pressed against it as you call out his name.

“i’m fine!” he says. “wooyoung just told me a really funny joke.”

you ah. “okay! tell wooyoung i said hi, by the way!”

“will do!” san waits a couple seconds before angrily whispering into his phone, “jung wooyoung, i am going to kill you next time i see you, you hear me? you’re a dead man.”

“uh-huh,” wooyoung dryly replies. “you’re probably going to die from jealousy before you can even lay a finger on me to be honest. which is why you should probably just confess already!”

san groans, running a hand down his face. “wooyoung, for the millionth time already,” he says. “she does not like me. if anything, she’s probably in love with kang yeosang.”

wooyoung hums. “yeah, keep lying to yourself. listen man,” he pauses for a few seconds, and san can hear some shuffling going on from wooyoung’s end. “i know what i’m saying. that girl is so in love you.”

“woo—”

“shut up and let me finish,” wooyoung snaps. “yn looks at you like you hung the entire galaxy for her, she is that in love with you. yeosang’s probably just like a brother to her, so just man up already and confess to her! i’m getting tired of you two pining over each other, it’s sickening. now,” he clears his throat, “i have to go because i have a date.”

“you have a date?” san asks. “with who—”

“bye, sannie~”

while san was busy talking with wooyoung, you were busy trying to deflect the obvious elephant in the room that yeosang kept bringing up.

“yn,” yeosang sighs. “you need to confess already.”

“wow,” you gasp. “will you look at that?”

yeosang furrows his eyebrows, prompting you to continue. “it looks like i don’t give a fuck!”

he groans at your response. “listen here, missy,” he says, huffing in annoyance. “i’m getting annoyed with his constant glaring and i’m getting annoyed at you, too.”

“what?” you ask, pointing at yourself. “how the heck am i annoying you?”

“you’re literally always complaining to me about trying to move on from him when you keep doing the opposite! either do something or i will.”

you scoff, narrowing your eyes. “you wouldn't dare.”

“oh,” yeosang throws his head back, laughing before he rolls his head to the side, looking at you dead in the eye. “i would.”

his phone rings, making him take his phone out. he unlocks it, reading whatever he was seeing before standing up just as san walks back into the living room.

“i have to go,” yeosang says. you stand up and follow him to the door. “my girlfriend said her mom wants to take us out for lunch,” he pauses, grimacing. “she's probably going to make us wear what her mom gave us a while back…”

you snort, leaning against the doorway as yeosang slips his shoes on, san standing behind you and resting his chin on your head, almost as if it was second nature to do so. yeosang quirks an eyebrow in amusement while you start speaking. “the ones you showed me a while back?” you ask. “you know, the ones that said she's with—”

“stop,” yeosang says, sighing as he holds up his hand. “don't remind me.”

yeosang opens the door, and you push yourself off the wall and head to hug him. “do something about your crush, okay?” yeosang whispers, pulling away and waving at san.

you hum. “i'll think about it. tell her i said hi, by the way.”

“will do.”

with that, yeosang leaves and you and san stay at the doorway before you shut the door.

“i, uh, didn't know he had a girlfriend,” says san all of a sudden. you look up at him as you walk past him and back to the dining table where you grab your laptop off the surface and head to your couch.

“yeosang and his girlfriend have been dating since we started college,” you hum, plopping down and opening your laptop. “she's amazing. they compliment each other well.”

“is that so?” san follows you, taking his laptop off the dining table and sitting down next to you.

“yeah,” you say. “should we… start working on the project?”

san nods, quietly opening his laptop. he doesn't know why, but he feels like his shoulders feel lighter and he can actually breathe now that he yeosang left and now that he knows yeosang has a girlfriend.

somehow, the sun has already disappeared and has been replaced by a sliver of the moon, both you and san also (somehow) find yourselves sitting on the ground. san has his legs splayed underneath the coffee table while you have your legs up to your knee, laptop propped on top of them.

“i say we approach this differently,” you say. “everyone's going to be applying the law on friends and whatnot, but we should apply it to each other.”

san raises his eyebrows, his fingers stopping their little dance across his keyboard as he looks at you. “apply it to each other?”

you nod. “yeah! think about it,” placing your laptop on the coffee table, you twist around to face and san does the same, knees bumping into each other. “since everybody basically has the same information and will have the same approach to the application, we should try approaching it differently so we can get a better grade than the rest.”

“and how do you want to go about it?” san yawns, groaning softly as he stretches his arms.

“that is an excellent question.” you grin, leaning forwards slightly. san quietly gasps, eyes widening. he hopes you didn't hear, and it seems like you didn't because you carry on with your thought. “honestly, since it's just basically manifestation, positive vibes only, like attracts like stuff,” you pause, huffing, “i guess we should take the easy approach with like attracts like, unfortunately.”

“how about we do that and the manifestation part?” he hums.

“that's not a bad idea,” you say. “we can honestly then weave in the positive vibes only rule since technically the manifestation and like attracts like are… the same.”

your eyebrows furrow as you think about the realization you just had, making san giggle. the noise grabs your attention, and san feels short of breath as you stare at him with stars in your eyes. as if in a trance, you both start leaning forwards until you're almost touching noses.

“like attracts like,” you whisper, almost as if you're afraid that if you speak any louder, whatever is going on right now would get ruined.

san nods, humming, not trusting his voice at the moment. his eyes flicker down to your lips before flickering back to your eyes, staring at you in surprise at your next words.

“i like you san.”

“you,” he breathes out, licking his lips nervously. “you like me?”

you slowly nod, watching his every movement. “i do… the question now here is: do you like me back?”

san grins, dimples appearing as he leans forwards, resting his forehead against yours as his breath fans your lips. “i like you,” he says. “i've liked you since our first year.”

you gasp, pulling back immediately and slapping his shoulder. “you… you're an idiot, choi san!”

he whines, rubbing the spot on his arm that you had slapped. “what did i do?”

“are you blind?” you huff with narrowed eyes, arms crossed over your chest. “i've been trying to get you to like me since then!”

“what?” san looks at you, genuinely surprised. “are you sure? because i swear i was the one that was trying to get you to like me.”

as you stare at each other, you both burst out into laughter.

“wow,” you say in between your giggles. “maybe like really does attract like.” implying that both of you are dumb.

san finds himself smiling so wide that his cheeks hurt as he cups your cheeks, running his thumb over the expanse of your cheek gently. “yeah,” he breathes out, his gaze flickering over your face until it falls on your lips. “maybe you're right.”

“you know i'm usually right,” you quietly reply, looking up at san through your eyelashes before closing your eyes just as san presses his lips against yours.

[xoxo-surfergirl]

A Very Targaryen Holiday - Dark!Aemond x Strong!Niece

Part I

summary: Lucera and Aemond reunite with their families to spend the holidays together. Aemond wasn’t always nice to her when he was younger, but has he changed?

notes: the main pairing in this is aemond x strong niece, but I guess I did write it as aemond x fem!lucerys velaryon. Whichever floats your boat more! aemond is not the nicest in this, but this fic is a mix of fluff and smut (but none of the fluff comes from aemond, lol). Slight dubcon, rough oral sex, and attempts at humor. There are no physical descriptions of Lucera besides her having long hair. There is a second part, which I will be posting soon. I cross post on ao3, with essentially the same username (just without the hypen) xoxosurfergirl! I hope you enjoy!!!! <3

Lucera took a deep inhale, followed by a deep exhale. Indulging in her breath usually helped whenever her nerves began to get the best of her. Her suitcase was cracked open in front of her, waiting for her to stuff it.

A few fancy dresses. A few long sleeves—it could get cold there at night. Several pairs of pants. A tank top just in case. A swim suit for the hot tub. More underwear than she needed.

She ran back to her dresser to grab the last few items required to fulfill her trip, when her door swung open loudly. Baela was able to nearly leap from the door to the bed, causing her comforter and pillows to jump from impact.

Her curls splayed out onto the bed in a halo. “I’ve always loved your bed. It’s the softest out of all of ours, you know.”

Lucera looked at her, unease crawling its way through her stomach and up her throat. “Yeah, well. You can always ask mother for a new one.”

Baela softened her face. “Luce, I know this is weird for you.”

“No, no. It’s fine, really, it’s just been awhile.” Lucera folded her clothes to keep her hands focused.

“It’s not really fine. I know we haven’t talked about it for a long time, but I know how weird it must feel for you.”

Lucera sighed. “It’s just, everything might be completely normal you know? And I’m anxious about nothing.”

Baela sat up on the bed, making deep eye contact with Lucera. “Don’t discount your feelings. It’s been four years since we’ve seen them, and for very good reason. Let me remind you that after you accidentally maimed him, he did try to hurt you. On purpose.” Lucera looked away, but Baela continued. “The only reason why we haven’t celebrated Christmas with them is because there were so many close calls and mother noticed”

She remembered the “close calls”. If only they had known all of the times the calls weren’t so close, but no one was there to see it.

“I know, I just wonder sometimes if it’s all in my head. Nothing really happened,” Lie. “I’m the only one who actually hurt someone.” A deep sense of shame leaked through Lucera’s chest, one that she had been trying for years to tame.

But Baela wouldn’t let her stew. “It was an accident, Luce. It’s okay. I’ll tell you as many times as you need to understand it. But what he was doing was not an accident. Remember the year he locked you in Grandfather’s industrial freezer for half an hour? Any longer than that and you would have died. Remember last time he took an ornament and forced you to crush it with your hand so you’d get glass stuck in your skin? Remember when he tried to slam your arm in the oven but Jace stopped him? Remember that other year he almost drowned you in the hot tub? There are even more than this, Lucera. You are perfectly right to be nervous about seeing him again.”

The walls in her mind were crumbling with Baela’s narration of the past holidays. These were memories Lucera had done her best to stifle, but they always returned louder than ever. She would never tell Baela that she had let him do these things, or that there were several more incidents that no one else knew about, because she had always felt like he deserved some form of retribution for losing his eye at her hand.

Aemond had always taken a keen interest in her. He had always followed her, watched her intently. It wasn’t hard to take notice of it. Everyone had.

But everyone had written it up to be nothing beyond youth fascination. Children stare at each other all the time. There was nothing peculiar about Aemond’s behavior.

It was only after the accident that his attention on her took a slight new meaning. Although hesitant at first to resume the previous non-concern from the rest of her family, time had worn away the worry it had initially caused. It had allowed for much else between them to take place.

“Thank you, Bae. I am nervous, but part of me does think we’ve all changed a bit. I certainly have.” And she had. They are adults now. It would be weird if he was still into torture. Most kids grow out of it.

“Exactly. We were weird teenagers and now we’re actually older. I’m sure we’ve all changed a lot since then.”

------------

The snow crunched under their tires, a fresh coat not yet salted by the city. Lucera recognized the skyscrapers in the distance, and her face softened when she saw the telltale curves of the family company’s building peak around the corner. Although it had been some time since she had visited their family townhouse in the city, she remembered the streets like she had lived there her whole life. Happy Little Treats, the best bakery in the city. Blackie’s, the best diner on the East Side.

Her, Rhaena, Jace, and Baela had decided to drive separately from their parents, who also had Joanie with them, as well as little Aemma and Viserra. It was much easier to take two cars, especially when they knew they would probably want to go out at different times from their parents who had two little ones. Poor Joanie, too young to be with the older girls all the time, but also far too old to be stuck with Aemma and Viserra, was doomed to float between the two groups.

The radio was tuned to holiday music, and the girls delighted in singing along to every song that rang through the speakers.

As they were closing in on their destination, Baela intercepted the music with her normal speaking voice, the first to do so in over an hour. “What do you think they all look like now?”

Rhaena was the first to answer. “I’m not sure about Aegon or Aemond, but Helaena and I see each other at uni. She’s radiant and beautiful, as she always has been.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot you've mentioned seeing her around.” Baela replied.

Rhaena smiled, and shook her head down. “Yeah, she’s the coolest, honestly.”

Baela laughed. “Out of those three? It’s no competition.”

Jacaera’s breath fogged up the window as she spoke. “I’ve seen Aegon and Aemond in passing at uni as well. They seem alright. Aegon is no longer the tall one.”

Lucera perked at this. Aemond? Tall?  She shook her head. “I swear I forget we all go to the same school sometimes. There’s just so many people I never see them.”

“Aemond is tall now? Wow. I’ll have to see it to believe it.” Baela jeered.

Jacaera drew a heart in the fogged glass before turning and facing the rest of her sisters. “Yes! It was honestly shocking at first. I barely recognized him, but I saw the eyepatch and knew immediately.”

Oh right. The eye patch. Lucera sighed. Baela moved her hand to sit atop hers in acknowledgement.

A right turn here, a left turn there, and the chateaux-style massive townhouse came into view. The four stories were gaudily embellished by baroque trim, with a massive oak door calling attention to its center. Wreaths were attached to the base of every windowsill, and a candle placed in each window. They watched as Rhaenyra and Daemon pulled Aemma and Viserra out of their carseats, having arrived a few moments before they did. Joanie was looking up at the mass of the townhouse, most likely counting how many windows there were, trying to remember which room was what.

Two men Lucera didn’t recognize dressed in all black greeted her parents, and Daemon smiled and gave him his car keys.

Rhaena twisted the steering wheel to pull up right behind them, and the other man dressed in black immediately jumped to open all of their car doors. Lucera felt like she was moving in slow motion the way the man was everywhere at once, and by the time she had stepped onto the sidewalk, he already had the trunk thrown open and was lifting their suitcases next to her.

“Thank you!” Lucera said enthusiastically, trying to cut through his quickness.

The house—if it could be called such a humble thing, loomed above her. She felt as if she was stepping into all holidays past, where he lingered with the bitter taste of sadism.

The large doors eased open, beckoning them inside. When she peaked in, she saw Daemon’s black trench coat deep in the arms of her grandfather, Rhaenyra to his side, buried in Alicent with a beaming smile of delight. They let go, embracing one another in turn. Viserys could barely contain his excitement at the sight of the little ones, having crouched down to greet them. Lucera noticed the exact moment he caught sight of the rest of her and her sisters, and his joy multiplied ten times over.

“Oh, my girls! My girls.” He said, reaching in to hug each one of them. “I couldn’t be more happy to have all of my family in one place again.”

Greetings were further extended to Alicent. It must have been an exhausting process for Viserys and Alicent, she guessed, since there were so many of them.

Alicent addressed the group. “I was just telling your parents, the rest of them are lost in the house somewhere. I’m sure you’ll see them shortly.”

The girls nodded, and Joanie said something about being excited to see Daeron. The flurry of movement divided as everyone was sent to their rooms to unpack.

Alicent nodded to a staircase on her left. “I put you girls up in the kid’s wing.”

Jacaera laughed, playfulness in her voice. “Only some of us are still kids.”

“Oh don’t be ridiculous,” Alicent waved her hand downwards. “You’ll always be children to me.”

Climbing up three floors was exhausting without the bag, and Lucera could hardly imagine doing it with the extra weight in tow. She looked at the house staff carrying her and her sisters bags, and felt a bit sorry for them.

After reaching her rooms, she was delighted to see that she had a window overlooking the front sidewalk. There were fresh winter roses placed delicately in an opaque white vase on her bedside table, the blue jumping out against the walls of her bedroom.

Her nerves were reaching an all time high. She still hadn’t seen Aemond, yet he was here. But her thoughts were interrupted when Baela swung open her door.

Lucera turned to look at her. “Do you ever knock?”

Baela spun around and leaned exaggeratingly against the door frame before saying, “Not with you, I don’t. All of us girls are going to the hot tub. Put your bathing suit on.”

Lucera smiled, and unzipped her suitcase. “I’ll be ready in five. Wait for me?”

------------

The hot tub was roiling, jets pumping near blistering water against their backs. It was heavenly. Their hair was tied up in variations of buns and pony tails, the ends tickling their necks.

Rhaena had been intently looking at the back of the townhouse. “It’s so crazy to be back here after all these years.”

“It’s hardly changed since then. It feels like I’m stepping into a place frozen in time.” Jacaera marveled.

Helaena chuckled at their insight. “I’m sure it feels that way. I haven’t been to Dragonstone in forever either.”

Jacaera turned to her in revelation. “Gods that’s right! You should come stay with us for the summer. The beach is so warm then.”

“Yeah! Maybe when we all finish up our finals Helaena can just come home with us?” Rhaena said in agreement.

“I’d be happy if you had me,” Helaena replied. “What are all you studying anyways?”

Baela went first. “I’m studying business, with a concentration on finance.”

Lucera seconded her. “Me as well.”

Jacaera tagged at the end of Lucera's agreement. “Also me.”

Helaena laughed. “All you three planning to work for the family business, then?”

“Something like that. Jacaera, Baela, and I will take over after Rhaenyra and Daemon.” Lucera answered. “After Viserys passes, of course. It will be awhile, but there’s a lot to learn anyways.”

“Aemond’s going to do the same. Aegon isn’t interested in being a part of Hightower Associates, and neither am I, but Aemond is preparing to take over after our grandfather. Have you seen him around uni?”

Baela chuckled. “We were just talking about that,” she looked at Jacaera. “Only Jace has, really.”

“Hm. That’s funny considering he’s also in your department.” Helaena remarked.

“Right? I mean the library is huge, but it can’t be that large. I’m there all the time.” Jacaera pondered.

“Knowing him, he probably found a secret room and lives out of it”. Helaena sighed. “He doesn’t go out too much, and he’s really focused on his work.”

Lucera thought about the growing man Aemond had morphed into. One who was deeply integrated and committed to his family business, just as she. It only meant he had gotten more cutthroat. It’s the only way to survive in the world of finance they were thrust into. None of the top hedge fund managers, heads of banking families, or titans of brokers reached and stayed where they were because they were the most virtuous. To survive in this world meant being vicious at times.

A trait that ran in the family, clearly.

“We’ll probably run into him one of these days.” Baela acquiesced. “What are you studying again Helaena?”

“Studio art, concentrating on painting. Aegon is doing the same, but focusing on photography. We both much prefer it to the chaos of the family business.” She said proudly, until she realized the context of the conversation. “Not that I’m putting you down for choosing it, or anything.”

Jacaera giggled. “No, we get it. It is pretty chaotic.”

The hot tub had gone from the initial burn, to comfortable, to boiling again as the conversations ebbed and flowed through several different interests of theirs, such as their love lives and the semester's hook-ups, with extra time spent on the more embarrassing ones. It was truly Baela dominating the bulk of the conversation, hardly anyone else had anything to add apart from a meager makeout here and there.

Baela was also newly introduced to the term “situationship”, as the rest of them deduced she was most certainly in one with Adam Hull.

“Just because we sleep in the same bed most nights doesn’t mean we’re together.” She objected.

Helaena was set on getting her to admit it. “And does he stay in the morning? Do you do any other activities together?”

Baela scoffed. “We get dinner sometimes. And go to the movies every Tuesday, but that’s only because tickets are half-off on Tuesdays. And we go to the gym together. But it’s nothing, really.”

Helaena tried to ease her into it. “You do realize that is essentially a relationship, besides you have no direct commitment or any expectations? Someone is going to get hurt eventually.”

Lucera rolled her eyes. “And it’s probably him. Gods Baela, the man is probably in love with you and you are too daft to see it.”

All eyes on her, Baela was lost in the processing of this new information, until she remembered who and where she was, and quickly found a way to deflect it. “Oh shut up. Says you, you’re like the genuine version of a pick-me girl. Every man who looks at you falls in love with you.”

Lucera rolled her eyes. “You’re exaggerating.”

A smile crept across Baela’s lips, successfully removing the attention away from her situationship. “Um, no I’m not. What of Tyrek Lannister? Gerrick Greyjoy? Dorren Stark? And that’s only from this quarter.” She used her hands to prove her point, counting them on her fingers.

Lucera threw up her arms. “I can’t help it! Honestly! Besides, I don’t lead anyone on, just have maybe a kiss or two.” The rest of the girls sang a chorus of oos, bringing a blush through her cheeks.

“And who was the best out of them?” Jacaera coaxed.

“It hardly matters,” Lucera drawled, “but, it was Gerrick.”

“Hm. I’m surprised it wasn’t Stark.” Rhaena gave a side-long glance at Jacaera. “I’ve heard good things about Stark men.”

Jacaera’s face flushed, praying the heat from the tub would conceal her thoughts. Naturally, everyone noticed, but chose to spare their easily flustered sister.

Helaena looked her in the eyes, and threw her a trusting wink.

------------

As the day wore on, Lucera’s anticipation of seeing Aemond waxed and waned. She thought it would have happened by now—if they were still kids, it surely would have, being at the age where presence around the family was required. She thought of the many places he could be, the things he could be doing, but it was difficult to imagine someone she hadn’t seen in several years. It was nearly impossible to conceive of it, and it only raised her nerves.

Dinner passed along quietly, winter soup and charcuterie being served on a come-and-go basis in the parlor to account for the rush of her family’s arrival and the need for a little bit of flexibility in their schedule. Afterall, there was still much planned for the day: they were going to the ballet, and everyone would be attending.

In front of her vanity, Lucera examined herself in the mirror. She lifted the delicate silver chain to secure it around her neck, the deep crescent moon in its center sitting in the joint of her collarbones. She didn’t try to examine her reasonings for being extra fickle about what she wore, but it was hard to escape his presence in them. It had been so long, and she didn’t want him to think her ugly. He either had changed for the better and would no longer say his cruel thoughts aloud, hadn’t changed and would say that and so much more, or he had gotten worse. A shudder rippled through her as she tried to imagine how that could be possible, but what if it was?

She wanted him to look at her and see how much she had changed, that she was no longer a girl anymore. And perhaps, if he had any lingering thoughts of resentment, that could lend him to realizing that she was no longer deserving of his hostility.

Her nerves from earlier had thawed, and amongst the remains was a newfound confidence. Her mary janes clicked on the sidewalk, her self-assuredness carrying through her legs. She reached into the SUV where her family was waiting for her.

Rhaenyra, holding Aemma on her left leg, reached over and grabbed her hand. “You look radiant, darling.”

Jacaera patted the seat next to her. “Something got your spirits up?”

“Nothing in particular, just had a good day.” And it was true. The day had been knotless. She had been surprised by its ease, and delighted just the same.

Once the tires slowed and the doors slid open, she reached her hand around to grab the frame, the other taking Daemon’s hand to step out of the car. The marquee hung gaudily above them, its essence of performance steeped in its display. She looked around for the Hightowers, who had pulled in ahead of them. She found Alicent’s thick calico fur shawl, trailing to Helaena’s platinum hanging down her back, to…

Her throat seized. Was that really him? His back was set against her, but she could see Aegon’s side profile, meaning the other one must be him.

Jacaera was right, he is tall. She had never pictured him with his hair long. Her sisters poured out of the car to stand alongside her.

Baela was the first to acknowledge it aloud. “Gods, I hardly recognize them.”

The slamming of the car doors must have carried, and he turned around from his mother to face the rest of them.

His hair swung gently, and she caught the moment his eye landed on her. His eyepatch looked menacing, scar tracing just outside of it. While holding her gaze, he upturned his lips into a tight smirk.

Their families approached each other, not too far away to begin with.

Aegon looked delighted to see his cousins, endearing them each. His face had filled out on the edges, and he hadn’t grown an inch. Aemond upheld his apathetic image, looking slightly uninterested, but they knew him better—-he simply always looked that way. Her sisters took turns pulling each of them into hugs with their greetings.

When Aemond reached her, he regarded her for several moments, his dark smile returning. “You’ve changed, Luce.”

She straightened her back, ignoring the way he was openly sliding his eye across her from head to toe. “So have you.”

He surprised her by pulling her deep in his chest, bending his neck down to whisper in her ear. “I haven’t forgotten our little games.” Before she could respond, he released her.

Baela had witnessed the interaction from a few paces away, her eyes still on Aemond, who had gone to greet Rhaenyra. Lucera walked up to her.

She fell into step beside Baela, through the doors, tickets in hand. “What did he say to you?”

Back and forth, she contemplated telling her the truth. Through her childhood, she had never been fully honest through the extent to which he hurt her. Rhaenyra had questioned, Daemon had asked, and her sisters had pushed after her wellbeing once the accidents had been exposed as something more purposeful. Lucera knew her parents were smarter than she, but they also didn’t push the subject when she refused to yield.

She didn’t quite know why, though she supposed it was because she felt she owed Aemond her pain. It was the least she could do for taking his sight. He hadn’t permanently damaged her, afterall. Even though he got close, she reminded herself.

Her mind completed its process, and Lucera would continue her pattern with conflict as she always had. “Just that we all look older now.”

“Hm.” She grabbed Lucera’s arm, looping it in hers, voice quieting. “He looks like a fucking super villian.”

Lucera couldn’t bite back her amusement. “He really does, doesn’t he?”

She didn’t want to think about what else he looked like. Attractive, for one. It felt like a sin to even say it in her mind. Lucera was startled by how menacing he looked, but it suited him. His face was lined in hardness and brutality, his lone purple eye allowing for expression.

His walk bled dominance, something she could do without recognizing. But it was hard to ignore the complex grace in his movements, how every turn of his head and lift of his hand was controlled and measured.

Her eyes kept finding him unwillingly, absorbing the man he had become. Lucera couldn’t help herself, needing to remind herself to keep her gaze anywhere but him. He would notice. Baela would notice. Daemon would notice.

After getting their tickets scanned, she and Baela followed their entourage to their seats. The gilded plasterwork came alive from the walls, creating deep shadows, brightening the jewel tones that sat there. The lattice work was interladened with cherubs holding glowing sconces and foliated candelabras. Figurative and floral murals and abstracts curled and jumped from the ceilings, each framed by golden trim. The proscenium arch jutted out gently from the stage, red curtain dropped to hide the rest of the stage.

Their seats were hoisted on the second floor in the box on stage right. Lucera smiled to herself. She knew whoever had bought their tickets did so knowing that the best view would be from above, so they could see the aerial perspective of the dancer’s intricate formations. If she had to guess, it was probably Alicent.

She had sat in the first row of seats, between Jacaera and Baela, while he sat in the second, off to the side, closer to the stage. The curvature of the seats allowed for her to see him out of the corner of her eye, his side profile unmistakable. As she gauged where he was in relation to her, he caught her eye. He brazenly smirked towards her, and then looked away. She ran her fingers over the front of her dress, needing the movement to keep her grounded. Shortly after, the curtains opened and she breathed relief at the comfort that she would have something else to focus on.

It wasn’t as easy as she had hoped.

As they progressed through the suites, Lucera was trying to tame her gaze, pulling and forcing it to remain ahead on anything but him. There was so much to look at, too—the dancer’s tutus and tights, skin and hair was alight with glitter catching every ray of stage light. The way they moved, their arms pouring up and down, their legs fluttering across the stage. Glissade en arriere to arabesque. The live orchestra in the pit, the sliding of their bows, the dancing of their fingers. She had so much to choose from. And it worked for a time, until she remembered his presence, and she had to pull her gaze forward again.

He caught her once or twice, and returned her wandering eyes with the same haughty smile.

She didn’t know if it should scare her, but it definitely made her feel something. Like she wanted to push the button to reveal a secret. Perhaps it was curiosity; she was a woman now, and can’t possibly be pushed around like she used to. He wouldn’t kill her. Not now at least. It would have had to happen years ago, when he was still a child and could get away with “accidental” murder. At present, he’d go to prison for manslaughter. Right? He has to know that. And he himself is a man grown, who has risen above such ideas. Right?

The curtains were drawn, they stood from their seats, her family quickly ushering everyone to get back to the house as fast as possible.

Once alone in the comforts of her bedroom, she unzipped, unlaced, and undid every button and tie on her clothing, releasing more than just the tension it had held on her skin. The whirlwind of their evening had finally come to an end. She had seen him, and it had been somewhat eventful, but she had expected nothing less.

------------

The next morning after an uneventful breakfast, Viserys had called all of his grandchildren to the kitchens. He ensured they knew their presence was mandatory.

“You kids haven’t seen each other in so long. It’s time you bond again.” It was hard to tell what the room-wide cringe was from: being called kids, or being told they must bond over something of Viserys’ choosing.

Lucera looked around the massive kitchen, and knew immediately what they were going to be doing.

Viserys waved his hand. “I dismissed the staff early today. Instead, you all are going to be making our family’s holiday cookies!”

Joanie squealed in excitement, diverting the attention away from Aemond and Aegon, who both rolled their eyes louder than she’d ever seen it done.

“Why not. I love baking!” Rhaena perked.

Viserys stepped out to be more directly in front of them, looking at each of them intently. “Here’s what’s going to happen. Aegon and Jacaera, you two will do our peanut butter kisses. Aemond and Lucera, I want you two doing our sugar cut-outs. Daeron and Joanie, you two are in charge of snowballs. Rhaena, Helaena, and Baela, you three will do our gingerbread cookies. You’ll need the extra person since they’re a lot of work.” He gestured towards the back wall. “I’ve had the cooks set out all the ingredients, and there should be plenty of room for all of you.”

Lucera didn’t know quite what to do. Her intimidation of him was preventing her from moving her feet. Let alone, she didn’t know if Aemond hated this idea, and she didn’t want to feel his rejection. But then again, very little sounded better than fresh cookies.

Joanie and Daeron had practically run across the kitchen, as if it was a race to see who could finish the fastest. Lucera smiled at her youthful enthusiasm.

“Are you going to just stand there and look dumb?” Aemond’s voice cut through her thoughts.

She looked up at him. “No, no of course.”

“Of course you’re going to stand there and look dumb?”

Lucera grumbled. “You know what I meant.”

They walked over to the corner of the kitchen. Lucera knew this recipe by heart, having made it many times the past several years at Dragonstone.

“We need to work the butter, first. Cream it up a bit.”

She began unfolding the wax off of the butter.

“They’re quite simple. I don’t know why he wants the two of us to do it. A child could make these by themselves.”

Lucera took the flat end of the spatula and smashed the butter into smaller pieces in the bowl. “You know why he wants us to do it together.”

Aemond pulled out the bag of flour, dipping the cup deep in the bag. “I suppose. Funny thing for him to act like he cares so much about bonding time.” He swiped a knife off of the top of the measuring cup. “So this is what bonding looks like?”

Lucera scoffed. “It could be, if you actually acted like you wanted to be here.”

Across the kitchen, she could hear Jacaera scolding Aegon over the bag of hershey’s kisses. “You do realize we need some of those to actually make the cookies? Save some for the rest of us.”

Aemond paused, mulling over his next words carefully. “I could be doing something else.”

Lucera looked over at Baela, Rhaena, and Helaena, who were giggling over the molasses and brown sugar.

“And what might that be?” She questioned mockingly. While he poured in the sugar and flour, she began mixing in the butter.

“Working.” He turned to face her, dipping his head to look down at her from their close proximity. Sarcasm sat between his next words. “Ever heard of it?”

Lucera was slightly ruffled by this, and even though she caught on to his tone, wasn’t willing to go along with the act. “You don’t know the slightest thing about me.”

He stood behind her to grab something on the other side, and whether it was for stability or otherwise, he put his hand on her waist. She tried not to make any sudden movements to imply she was thrown off or affected by this gesture, and could not say if she was successful or not. His hand was large, fingers stretching across the right side of her lower back. Just breathe. She tried to tamper down her blush, not wanting him to know that he flustered her. It would only make her more of a target.

“Twas just a joke, Lucie.” He smirked, pulling away, and warping his fingers to the newly formed dough in the bowl.

She tried not to watch the way his deft hands worked the dough into a ball. Needing to prove she was not in fact bothered, she replied, “Regardless, I will have you know that I’m in the line of succession. Me, Jacaera, and Baela are all going to uphold Targaryen International Banking after Rhaenyra and Daemon.”

To her surprise, Aemond showed her possibly the first form of respect she had ever received from him. “It’s an honor to not only be a part of our family, but also uphold its greatness.”

Lucera pulled out the various cookie cutters, clearing her throat. They had been apart all this time, their secret torture games known truly just between them. She knew she should hate him, but she didn’t. And the unfortunate circumstances had decided that he must grow into a desirable devil. But she can’t think about that right now. Looking at her cookie shape options, she decided her favorite was the Christmas tree. “I heard you’re inheriting Hightower Associates.”

He smiled, and even though it was tight lipped, she could tell it meant something to him. “Yes. Otto most likely has another decade in him to run it, but it will be mine once he is no longer fit for it. Thank the gods, Aegon and Helaena would destroy it.”

Lucera looked over at her sister and Aegon. He looked at her with light in his eyes, while she double checked each dough ball to ensure they were the same size. As nice as the scene was, his momentary calm was deceiving. She laughed quietly in her throat imagining him being put in charge.

Their own dough had been rolled out, and they began stamping it with the cookie cutter. “I’m sure you will do the business much good. You can be…” Lucera looked for the right words, and wondered if it was even a good idea to remind him of his nature in the first place. “Quite intense. And cutthroat.”

He paused at her implicit acknowledgement of the past, looking at her directly once again. His chest was at her eye level, even though she pried her eyes upwards to meet his. The soap on his neck had a clean, sharp scent. “Yes. I suppose I haven’t changed much.” He waited for any kind of reaction, but she figured it best to not give him any. Lest he get any real ideas.

Lucera slid the cookies into the oven, the warmth heating up her arms. She vaguely recalled when Aemond had tried to shut her arms in the frame of the oven, and startled herself with his proximity.

He noticed her pulling away from the oven with fear in her eyes. “Relax. My days of trying to scar you are over.” Aemond poured a small stream of milk over the powdered sugar on the stove. “Besides, my hands are busy. And there’s people here.”

It wasn’t until she finished sliding the tray in the oven and closed the door that she processed his meaning.

She looked up at him, eyes widened. “You’re not going to…?” Lucera didn’t say it out loud, for she didn’t want anyone else to hear.

He continued stirring, the smell of the heated sugar between them. “We’re both adults now. I wouldn’t be so senseless.”

The tension she had been holding around him had faded, filled in with relief. “I don’t know why,” she chuckled, “I just didn’t know what to expect.”

His side-eye landed on her, but he was playing lighthearted. “You wound me Lucera. Surely I would hope you think higher of me than that.”

“Hm.” She smirked at him, wanting to joke with him as he had to her. “You’ll just have to prove how smart you are then.”

His face held an unreadable expression, but she still counted anything besides scowling as progress.

The butter, sugar, and flour were melding together in the oven, releasing a heavenly smell. Lucera released some of the tension she had held around him. Perhaps this new chapter of their lives could strengthen their family, instead of tearing it apart as their childhood had.

Reading the golden edges of the cookies, Lucera determined they were finished and removed them out of the oven without fear of Aemond shutting her arm in. The royal icing was ready, and she put them in the refrigerator so the cookies were able to cool before they could put the icing on.

A large guffaw of laughter exploded from the other side of the kitchen, where Joanie and Daeron were saddled with powdered sugar. It had lodged itself in the creases of their faces, deepening their smile lines. In their attempt to brush it off their faces, they only served to spread the sugary dust to every surface in their vicinity.

Daeron, upon realizing the blessing this was, ran to Aegon with his snowy sugared hands and started furiously wiping them on the back of Aegon’s sweater.

Having been attacked by the enemy in a blind spot, Aegon was initially at the disadvantage. But, once he turned around, he used his height and weight to throw Daeron to the ground.

This move might have deterred many from another attack, but Daeron was a Targaryen, afterall. He grabbed onto Aegon’s leg, not letting go. It was an advanced move, leaving the victim—Aegon—unable to do much else than furiously try to peel him away.

Joanie made a jump to his other leg despite Aegon’s protests for her to not get involved. The two clung to his calves, anchoring him to the floor, giggling in victory. Aegon ceased his complaining and sighed in defeat.

“Anyone want to help me?” Aegon moaned.

Jacaera was busy pressing what was left of the hershey’s kisses into the cookies. She shrugged. “I can’t, I have to do this while they’re fresh out of the oven.” Besides, she was too amused by the situation.

“Sorry, I don’t want to get powdered sugar all over my new pants.” Baela shouted from across the kitchen.

Aemond was also pleased by his brothers, and after hesitating a few moments too long, began long strides towards the scene.

He had nearly reached Aegon, but once Daeron had peeked his head around Aegon’s knee to see the long legs of his other brother coming towards them, he flung himself off of Aegon and skittered across the floor. Joanie was quick to follow.

Once the cookies were all primed and pretty—to the best of their ability, at least—Lucera padded up the steps with a giggling Jacaera. In the parlor, Rhaenyra was drinking tea with Alicent. They must have heard of Viserys’ plan, as they looked at Lucera with concern, subtly checking over her limbs and face for any signs of harm as they had done when she was younger.

Alicent leaned over with furrowed brows and express interest, Rhaenyra had worry in her eyes. “How was baking my darlings?”

Knowing that they truly wished to know of her wellbeing, Lucera was relieved that for once around the holidays, she could tell them the truth. “It was good! No unlucky burns or anything! Just tasty cookies.”

They brought a plate over with all of their treats.

Rhaenyra beamed at her daughters. “I see gingerbreads, sugar cut-outs, and—?”

Jacaera leaned forward. “Peanut butter kisses. Aegon ate half of the hershey’s chocolates, so we didn’t have enough to put on top of all of them. Those ones are just plain peanut butter cookies.”

Alicent rolled her eyes through her smile, lovingly joking. “Of course he did, the little twat. I’m sure they’re still delicious.”

“Once he stopped eating the candy and started participating, he really enjoyed baking. Does he ever go down to the kitchens to bake?”

Lucera raised her eyebrows. She knew exactly what made Aegon so interested in baking earlier, and it wasn’t the sweets.

“He’s never thought it interesting before. Perhaps he was just happy to see everyone.” Alicent had toned down her surprise at the idea that he enjoyed the experience, having a mother’s sense of what was really at play. Her and Lucera shared a knowing glance, Jacaera none the wiser.

“And you Lucera?” Alicent had turned to face her.

“Oh yes! Aemond and I got along quite well. He’s an arse, but it suits him.” The sense of relief she glimpsed earlier had returned, and the weight of lying no longer chained to her. She was able to be genuine without having to pretend. It was a welcome feeling.

“He’s a proud man, that’s for sure. I still don’t know where he inherited his arrogance.” Alicent chimed.

Rhaenyra was put at ease with the grace of her features, always knowing the truth of her daughter. A shadow of skepticism remained, but she was optimistic that their maturation had changed things. “I’m glad you had a good time, darling.”

At least for the time being, any fears she had could be put to rest.

It had been a hard period of time when she had lied to her, both of them knowing that there was something much deeper to her words. It had been why, without too much evidence, Rhaenyra had decided it best that they spend a few holidays alone at Dragonstone. Viserys had insisted that they return each year, believing that it best for the family to be together when there was tension. Namely, after the accident where Aemond lost his eye, and his consequent aggression towards Lucera. Rhaenyra could only look at the truth in her daughter’s eyes for so long.

He hadn’t done anything out in the open, but he was occasionally sloppy. He was only a child after all, and was still learning how to keep a victim silent. He was lucky it was Lucera, who in her docility and self-blaming from the accident, let him act as he saw fit.

Her least favorite memory was when he held her head over the tub in the basement filled with water. He had grabbed her hair and held her face under water, keeping it there until her squirms softened to near limpness. He would then pull her up again, allowing for her to catch her breath before repeating the cycle. She had silently trusted him to let her live. It didn’t make the moments she spent choked underwater any less terrifying.

That had been the last time she saw him. Rhaenyra had remembered her coming up the stairs, face flushed, edges of her hair wet. Lucera recalled telling her that she slipped and fell in the snow outside, but her eyes had given her away. Even after much pressure, Rhaenyra still wasn’t sure what had happened, but she knew Aemond was involved and that Lucera looked like she had been through a torture sequence. Which, of course, she had.

But those days were behind them. He had said it himself.

------------

Later in the evening, after a light dinner, a particularly competitive game of Scrabble that nearly ended with Daemon’s knife at Aemond’s throat, and a Hallmark movie that Viserys claimed would “calm everyone down” (which it hadn’t—not entirely—although the two had slowly united across the one hour and thirty five minute screen time against their hatred for such movies), the family had dispersed and found their ways to bed.

Lucera was tucked in, nearly drowning in the comforter, just how she liked it. There was just one thing—she needed water. Her eyes had closed, her body tired and unwilling to go downstairs. But her throat was scratching for relief, and no amount of willing herself to sleep had changed it.

She skimpered down the steps, her long fuzzy socks lightening the blow of her feet. All of the lights had been turned off, and she relied on the underlights of the cabinets to light her way.

Under the fridge light, she filled up her cup.

The silence was broken by the stream coming from the fridge, and then by footsteps coming near. Lucera tried to cover up what little she could, as a simple t-shirt and underwear had been all she needed in the privacy of her room. She hoped whoever it was wouldn’t look too closely or scold her for being so indecent.

She would be gone in a moment anyway.

Putting her water glass in the sink, she turned to go down the hallway when she saw the illumination of platinum hair in the dark.

“Aemond.” And even though she whispered, the surprise was not lacking in her voice.

“Lucera. It’s getting late.” He was stepping closer to her, his voice soft.

“I was just a bit thirsty. I’m going back to bed now.” She tried to step around him, but he blocked her way with his arm against the wall.

“You know, before I saw you I wondered if I’d continue our little games.” He glazed his eye over her near-nakedness. “I thought I might not. And then I saw you, this pretty little thing, and I realized that we can have so much more fun together.”

She knew what he meant by it, but tried to ignore it for the moment. “But I thought you said you wouldn’t—”

“I said I wouldn’t scar you. I never said I wouldn’t do other things.” He grabbed a lock of her hair, twisting it between his fingers. “Oh how you’ve grown, Lucera.”

She tried to grab at the wrist of his hand in her hair, but he only grabbed onto her wrists instead, pushing her backwards towards a door in the hallway. He fumbled with the knob before throwing her in, the force of it landing her on the floor.

Lucera pulled her hair out of her face and stood up. “You didn’t need to be so rough with me.”

He grabbed her chin domineeringly soft. “Look at me, Lucera.”

Her lip quivered and she looked up at him, her large doe eyes unable to prevent her from looking nothing but innocent.

He looked deep in her eyes, commanding her submission with nothing but a look. “You always let me torture you, sweet little thing.”

All breath in her body halted, every movement, every beat of blood. The silence around her grew louder, unsure if she had heard him correctly.

“But now I want to do other things to you. I’m still using your body, of course, just in a different way. And you’re still going to listen to me, just like you always have?” Aemond tilted her jaw upwards to the right, then moved it to the left, as if he was examining her face from every angle.

The blood moving through her veins got thicker, her heart quickening its pace. Lucera quietly admitted to herself that she was excited at the idea that he could want her that way. Did he really think her attractive enough to want? He couldn’t mean what she thought he meant. Did he? Surely he didn’t want her like that.

He sneered in her face, clearly finding her dumbfoundedness amusing. “Look at you. Big eyes just looking up at me, waiting for validation. I knew you’d do anything I’d ask. Hells, you’ll probably enjoy it too.”

Lucera didn’t know how he had such a hold on her. How could he get away with talking to her like this? Why did she let him? Why was her belly aching with heat? She could feel her arousal dripping along her slit, sitting warm in her panties.

She pulled every last string of dignity together and tightened her hold to say, “No, Aemond. You’re not allowed to treat me this way.” and tried her hardest to turn away from him.

But, he was quick to react, and immediately pulled her backside flush against him, arms locked across her neck and midsection. “Squirm all you want. I see how your eyes hold nothing but submission for me, they always have. Is it guilt? Or something else?” He leaned down to whisper in her ear. “I don’t believe you wouldn’t enjoy every last drop of anything I give you. I’ll prove it to you right now.”

He moved his hand knowingly across her hip bones, giving them a hearty squeeze before sliding his fingers down her thigh to hike up her skirt. Her panic was felt immediately as she put her back and shoulders into every push and shove she gave him. “No, no no no, don’t—”

“Why? Are you worried about what I’ll find?” She wasn’t able to break out of the cage that was his strength, and his fingers gently trailed across the thin fabric hiding her entrance. What little barrier she had did a poor job of concealing her heated wetness.

He began lightly circling her clit, bending his face into her neck. “Tsk tsk tsk. Just as I thought, Lucie.”

She whimpered. “I just, I just am confused.”

“Hmm? I don’t think your body is confused. Your body wants me, Lucie. It wants me inside you. It’s all soaking and ready to take me.”

“You’re just so mean to me. I can’t let you do this if you’re mean to me.”

Aemond chuckled, feeling her melt into his touch as his deft fingers pleasured her. “You’ve always been so good at letting me take out my frustrations on you. This is no different, Lucie.”

She whimpered in his arms, unable to control the profound pleasure he was thrusting upon her. And it was him. There was something so enrapturing about his presence. She wanted to be engulfed in it, to feed off of it. But he had too much power—it wasn’t fair, he had always had the upper hand.

He slipped his fingers underneath the constraints of her underwear, immediately finding her slick folds. He gathered some of the wetness he found there and brought it up to her clit, where he rubbed gentle circles against her. “You’re soaking for me Lucie. I want to hear you submit to me. Your body is begging you.”

She whimpered again. The pleasure was too great, his weight pressed against her from all sides. Lucera needed more. Her resolve and rationality were slipping, disintegrating into a state of utter obedience, the teasing becoming too much to bear. It was like he was drowning her again.

“Anything, I’ll do anything, Aemond. I need this,” her voice squeaked from under his arm.

He laughed darkly in her ear before licking it, the warm sensation filling out through the rest of her body. “You will listen and do as I say, yes?”

“Yes. I swear it.” She cried.

“Good. On your knees, sweet girl.”

Her eyes got even bigger as she received his command. Lucera hesitated, looking up at him in his utter assertiveness. The look in his eye alone made her knees buckle.

Softly finding the most comfortable position she could on her knees, she tilted up her chin, attempting to hold as much dignity as possible. He grabbed both of her cheeks with each hand, fat pudging out between his thumbs and forefingers.

“You’re going to swallow my cock, do you understand? And when I decide I want to fuck your throat, I will.” He moved his right thumb down to her chin. “And if you bite, we can play one of our old games.”

She wouldn’t have bit him, but she was old enough to realize he got off on the power he had over her. And yet, she didn’t have to fake her submission. It was real, and it soaked her through.

With that, he let go of her face and gave her a playful slap on the cheek.

His hands remained at his sides, and she took that to mean that she must be the one to remove his pants.

Lucera tried to conceal the hesitation to approach his cock, but she couldn’t help herself. The bulge reaching across his leg was considerable, and she was unsure about trying to stuff something so large in her throat.

When she finally collected the courage to pull down the flannel in her fingertips, she was truly faced with the reality of such an act.

He was beautiful. Of course, even his cock has to be perfect. She took her hand, and worked the warm skin up and down, twisting her palm ever so slightly.

“Suck.” He said bluntly. 

“I’ll try, but I don’t know how I’m going to—”

“If you can’t figure it out, I think pounding your throat will do the trick.” He interjected, his hand landing in her hair firmly.

This drove her to action, as she wanted to maintain as much control in the situation as possible. She pushed the head past her lips, his salty precum landing on her tongue. Her jaw expanded as much as it could, and she pushed herself to swallow his length.

Lucera could already feel the sides of her mouth being triggered to wetness by the intrusion, and she was thankful for it. She held onto the base to steady herself, and she began slowly moving back and forth, lathing her tongue on the bottom of his cock.

She could feel his hands shift in her hair as he played with it gently, combing his fingers through.

“You’re such a good girl, Lucera”

His voice felt like pure encouragement, and his validation was something she had never felt before. Lucera decided she liked that feeling.

She pushed herself deeper on him as her throat warmed up, but was still unable to fit it all. She tried using her hand to make up for what she couldn’t reach, and although she wished she could deep throat him, she was proud that she had made it this far.

He grabbed her hair a bit more assertively, and guided her up and down with a touch more of force. “You’re taking it so well, your throat wraps around me perfectly.”

Her eyes had begun to slightly water, but she still tried to connect their eyes. She had read in a magazine that boys liked that.

He began to move her head even more strongly, and pushed her throat further on his cock. She gagged, but he only moaned in his chest, the sensation squeezing his cock in her throat.

Lucera could hardly see, her tears clouding her vision. Her saliva gathered around her lips and slopped down her chin as she felt him push deep into her throat.

“Look at you, on your knees for me. This is where you belong.” He thrust into her mouth, holding her by the back of her head. As rough as he was, Lucera found that she just wanted to impress him. To show him that she wasn’t weak, and that she was capable.

“Fuck, Lucera.” He moaned above her, his breath deepening. With animalistic impulse, he worked her throat with lewd hunger, before pulling her as hard as he could towards his hips.

She knew what was about to happen, and although she was still choking on his cock, braced herself. Lucera felt his length throb in her mouth as he unloaded down her gullet and straight to her belly.

Having ceased his brutal thrusts, Aemond brushed her hair gently. “Swallow all of it, Lucie.”

She subconsciously tried to swallow around it, but it was difficult to move much of anything.

After holding her there for a few more moments, he released her. She stuttered backwards slightly, coughing and gulping for air.

He tucked himself back beneath his waistband, and bent down next to her. He took her shirt and wiped off the excess spit that had gathered around her chin, and then moved it up to wipe her eyes.

“You’re gorgeous on your knees, you know that?” His hand dragged languidly against her inner thigh, towards her underwear. She inhaled deeply at his movements, canting her hips to meet his hand.

“You’re so needy, aren’t you?” He tilted his head, looking down at her below him devilishly. “My cock down your throat only made you more soaked, hmm?”

His words burned into her pleasure, and Lucera couldn’t help but whimper. His fingers on her moved in light circles on her clit, warping the pleasure building inside her.

“Tell me how it felt in your throat.” His voice poured over her. She drank in each syllable of every lewd word spitting out of his mouth like ambrosia. 

“You felt heavy on my tongue,” Lucera said, her breathing erratic. “I didn’t know how I was going to take it.”

“Hmm, that’s right.” He drawled. “It’s not easy taking a thick down your throat is it?”

“N-no.” She mewled.

“But you did a good job,” he brushed his thumb above her stomach. “You didn’t miss a drop.”

She panted as he loomed above her, playing her body like an instrument. She had already been so worked up, so much ache already inside her, that she knew her orgasm was coming. Aemond must have noticed too, for he picked up his pacing to the exact tempo she needed.

“Cum on my fingers, Lucie.”

She didn’t need anything further than his voice to send her over the edge as her eyes rolled back in her head, orgasmic pleasure bursting deep in her belly. She did her best to hold back the amplitude of the cries in her throat lest someone hear her.

The euphoria rippled through her body, and she could feel his satisfaction at her pleasure. After a few more moments, the lingering contentment was joined by a new wave of drowsiness.

It was late.

Lucera opened her eyes. Aemond stood up, pulling her up with him.

“Sleep well, Lucie.” He opened the door, gave her a quick slap on her ass, and walked towards the kitchen.

Her haze carried her to bed, where she unceremoniously slung herself under the covers, half-unconscious already. 

[tmntxthings]

∑一 Gasoline・゜・。

author’s note: so I started this months ago and came back today and somehow finished it? it’s now 4 am and idk what I’ve written but we posting it babyyyyyyy

song: reckless driving by lizzy mcalpine, ben kessler

warnings: cursing, narcissism, over-dramatics, cringe, sarcasm, flirting, confessions, unedited

—————————————————————————

Okay, I’ll admit. I’m not the best when it comes to..following the rules? Heeding caution? Listening to anyone??? Yeah not the greatest in that department.

But! I’m practically flying high in all others. Better brother, better turtle, cooler weapon, and not to mention handsome as fuuuck. So handsome in fact, I know I’ve snagged your attention. Heh. Call it what you will, intuition or gut-feeling, I know I’ve been occupying your mind.

But the thing is, you won’t admit it. No matter how much I prod, tease, or blatantly ask. It’s always “Leo, no.” “Leo, stop!” “Leo, shut up!!” And never “Yes, I think about you endlessly Leo, you’re right, and super handsome, be my one and only turtle”

…

Yeah…

It’s never ever that. And maybe that’s the reason why I can’t let this go. Because I know I’m right. If I wasn’t why would you keep coming around? Why would you spare glances my way? Why would you wear blue? It was all so infuriating to see these little details only to be denied again and again.

Raph says I’m getting a little obsessed. Donnie doesn’t give two fucks. And Mikey says something even worse, that I’m in love. Barf. Gross. Me? Love? Hell no. I collect admirers. I flirt with everyone. Unabashedly. Why would I fall in love with someone who is so clearly in denial that they are in love with me??? All I’m doing is getting them to admit the truth, and then they’ll be another tally mark. Another addition to the ever growing list of admirers I have.

It comes with the title of being the Face Man and all of that. Perks of being me I guess!

And so I was up to my usual antics.

“Keys Y/n, keys babe!” You scoffed pushing my hands away. “Keep your grabby mitts away, there’s no way in hell I’m letting you drive.”

“I curbed one time Y/n. Once! Give a turtle some slack here!!” I’m practically begging at this point. Because I have a plan. A genius plan to get you to finally admit the truth. It’s going to be epic.

“I think you’re also forgetting the three times you purposely ran into trash cans. You almost backed into another vehicle. And don’t get me started on how many times you accidentally forgot the keys in the car!”

…Okay so maybe there are a few more reasons as to why I shouldn’t be driving. But no matter! I’m a master manipulator. I can sway those around me like a pro. Plus since ya have feelings for me, I’m sure you actually really do just wanna hand over those keys. You’re just like playing a little hard to get is all.

“Whaaaa?? Are you sure that wasn’t Angelo? Pretty sure that was totally him and not me.” A big cheesy smile lights up my face trying to turn that frown of yours upside down. “Plus in any case I’ve got super rad portal powers to snab the forgotten keys!”

“Leo. No.”

And the actual begging and groaning and bemoaning ensues. I don’t throw temper tantrums that often. Only when necessary. After many ‘pleases’ and promises to drive extra careful. I finally get my long awaited—

“Leo, I said noooooooooo!”

A hard flick resonates against the space right above the middle of my eyes. Dramatically I flinch backwards crying out in faux pain. My hands going up, one covering the space that has just been so grievously wounded. “Oh c’mon that didn’t hurt…”

“Did it?”

Peeking through my three fingers I see the wisps of concern on your features and it’s at this moment where my all-of-the-sudden-plan enacts. As you draw closer out of worry it’s just too easy to create a small portal with my other hand that is behind my back. Don’t ask how the dagger got in my palm. Sometimes being a ninja just has its perks.

And just like that the keys to your car are securely in my hand and I bolt before you can realize you’ve been…hand-pocketed? Pick-pocketed? Whatever the case!

As I gloat from the driver’s side window, with the locks safely on so you couldn’t just rip open the door and strangle me like you were threatening to do right now. I make a show of raising the volume in your car and celebrating more with a little dance in the drivers seat. It’s not until you shake your head and the flames extinguish from your eyes do I dare to unlock the passenger door for you to get in.

You do slam the door close though. “Dramatic much?”

I can’t help but tease. I love winning. I love rubbing it in everyone’s face. And it makes my bones sing to see you get so riled up all over little ol’ me. You glower, somehow holding your tongue, perhaps giving me the silent treatment as you take over the music.

Driver gets veto power though. So I skip a bunch of songs you choose until I feel the flames start to rise again and I worry we (or rather I) may never even make it out of your driveway before I turn into roasted turtle. And that can’t be tasty.

So I let this particular song play. Humming along since I don’t know the words as I start to pull out and drive on the road. You stay silent for the most part and that just won’t do so I may or may not get a little too close to a curb for comfort on your side of the vehicle.

“God damnit Leo if you curb!!” You hiss as you clutch the handle on the car door. “Whoopsie!” I laugh getting back to the middle of the lane easily enough. “Where did you want to go so badly anyways?” You grump. But at least you’re talking now! “It’s a surprise!” I sing-song.

Now initially, my plan to force your admission of feelings was to continue to drive really recklessly and maybe almost die in a car crash or something like in the movies. And while you think I’m about to die you just have to tell me that you are helplessly in love and like magic. Confession secured.

But now thinking about it more seriously there are plenty of unknown factors like, what if I do actually kill myself in the process. Or ya know, you get hurt? Or I just wreck the car and we both are totally fine?! I don’t see myself surviving much longer after that if that ends up being the case. So I have nothing. Zilch. Nada. No back up plan was really made.

So I just drive.

And as previously mentioned, I’m not the best driver…

So you are on edge the entire time and constantly telling me to “Watch out!” “Don’t curb!” “Don’t hit that dude crossing the street!” “Red means stop!” “Yellow means slooow!”

Thankfully I know what green means. Aka turtle. Aka go ninja go ninja go. I’m proud of that one. Anywho, the drive winds up and down the backstreets of New York until even I don’t know where the fuck we are.

I pull over, parallel parking. Miraculously it’s one of the few tricks I can do with a car and you breath out a very unnecessary sigh of relief. “So this is the surprise?” You are looking around the low rise buildings with slight curiosity but more confusion than anything.

Nothing here is really special. No shops. No bright sparkly lights. It’s actually pretty grim because a few of the streetlights are out making the dark night even darker. It’s probably the least romantic place in the world. Definitely holds no sentimental value for an awe-inspiring confession.

My head hits the steering wheel as I close my eyes and say “Yup!” As bright and false as possible. I feel like a jerk and even worse than that a failure. I’m greeted with silence and I don’t open my eyes to check your face. I’m sure it’s turning into disappointment right now.

“Leo, everything okay?”

My head turns slightly, if only because your voice sounds a little different. I mean you usually are quite serious, but it’s also one filled with… care? “Just thinking.” And that is not a lie, just a very vague statement.

“Wanna talk about it?”

I mull it over. What am I even thinking? Driving around in the middle of the night. Being chaotic. Being a nuisance. Being with you. Dragging you along. Trying to get you to say something you’ll never say in a million years. And turtles sadly don’t live that long.

“Y/n, do you like me?”

I don’t dare take my eyes off of you now. Truthfully I feel like spewing out nonsense to cover up my mistake. I just had to open my big fat mouth. To actually say shit I actually mean. Or in this case something I really want to know. Your eyes widen ever so slightly, and you tilt your head as if you hadn’t even considered that a possibility. Liking me.

I’m instantly filling up the silence. “Like better than Mikey right? Pretty sure I don’t have to sweat over Donnie. And Raph may be second place but I’m definitely number one right?”

This way it’s easy. This way it’s safe. This way no one gets hurt. This way I don’t get hurt. This way I can play it off.

“I do like you.”

My thoughts empty and I straighten up. Swallowing back the spit that’s suddenly filling up my entire mouth. “Right duh, of course you do. Everyone does!” I laugh, smiling big as if nothing you just said affected me. Like I totally won’t be thinking about this even later tonight back at the lair. Overthinking it. Surely you meant it as a friend… but a turtle can hope?

“Even though you are so annoying.” You tack on, but your smile is too much. It’s genuine. It’s not plastered on like mine. It doesn’t hide anything.

Oh shit.

I just continue on, blabbering complete and utter nonsense at this point. Because part of me can’t believe it. That you really said it. That you do like me. That this surely isn’t possible, that you’re about to laugh and say that this was all some funny joke.

“Do you like me?”

And where there was nonstop chatter, it turns to silence. I avoid your stare now. In fact I turn my whole face away because I can feel my red marks heating up. Which is never a good sign. Blushing will only end in embarrassment. More than I can handle.

“Whaaaat? Me? Like you?”

I leave it open ended. To be inferred that I couldn’t possibly. But I think I just continue shooting or maybe slicing myself in the foot. Over and over and over again. Because in the window I can see you’re still looking my way. And your lips are pursed together in a small know-it-all smile. I whip my head back around, forgetting all about the embarrassing heat that covers my face.

“Y-yeah. I do.”

And then you lean forward.

Time slows.

And I feel your lips on mine.

And my eyes are so wide. I don’t know what to do but just stare. I don’t move. I don’t breath. Your eyes are closed and your lips are soft if only a little chapped. You pull away slightly, and I can feel your breath fan over my face.

“Good.” Is all you say. And I nod like a dumb pile of rocks is all I have for brains. “Now how about I drive?” Again I’m nodding.

The only thing that breaks the trance is the warning beep from your display signaling that I’ve just wasted all of the gas left in your tank.

…

Whoops!

—————————————————————————

[asher-agere]

*rubs hands mischeviously* what kind of little ichika headcanons do u have ? im fine with any kind rlly im just curious ehehehe ^w^

-@/ittybittystarryshow

( ˶°ㅁ°) !! OMG HI. Many of these will sound like. Your own headcanons- I struggle to understand Leo/Need a bit, so I honestly like study your blog and your interpretations to better understand them! But I’ll still make them original of course hehe

Little Ichika

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

‏𖦹 Starting with an age range! I’ve said before but I feel like Ichika regresses to like, 1-4. Just a tiny baby! But she can definitely regress sometimes to a big enough headspace to be a curious little toddler! She’d love exploring, just crawling around, checking things out. Even things she’s not supposed to be checking out! Such as instruments- Or just anything expensive really, but she’s drawn to the instruments! Baby just wants to play! Problem is baby breaks things and can’t fix them. Then she’ll get really sad ૮꒰◞ ˕ ◟ ྀི꒱ა

𖦹 Little Ichika is obsessed with Miku. You might think big Ichika likes Miku? Wait till you meet the tiny baby! She always carries around her Miku plushy claiming it’s her best friend (Saki took physic damage hearing her say that). Sometimes she’ll go to Sekai and just ૮₍´˶• . • ⑅ ₎ა Tha’s Miku guys… She has so much stuff she’s had her Miku sign! Little baby collector! If someone doesn’t stop her she’ll spend all her money on Miku merch… Someone please stop her

𖦹 All baby gear is Miku themed! She has a Miku pacifier, Miku themed bedsheets and pajamas, Miku plushies, figurines too! But baby Ichika isn’t allowed to play with figurines cause one time she broke one… It was an accident! Now she gets really sad cause they look so cool… Why can’t she play? It’s not fair… Also eating healthy is never a problem! Baby doesn’t wanna eat veggies? Easy solution. Give her a leek! However she will use it as a microphone for a few minutes… But as long as her caregiver claps for her afterwards she’ll happily eat it!

𖦹 Stars! Little Ichika loooves watching the stars! I think she has a star blanket (Everyone in Leo/Need has matching ones because I say so). She loves taking her blanket outside to lay on and look up at the stars! Even better if she’s on the rooftop at her Sekai! She also likes having fruit that’s like cut into star shapes! Especially apples hehe. She’s tried cutting a leek into a star shape before but then it just sorta feel apart, baby was very sad (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )

𖦹 I think when Ichika is regressed she has a very limited vocabulary, but one word she can definitely say is “Star”! Therefore. Everything is star. She’ll point to her sippy cup “Star”, point’s to a plushy “Star”. All of her friends? Yes their new names are “Star”. “Ichika how are you feeling?” You guessed it “Star” (Inspired by me regressing and calling everything 7. That was influenced by playing Uno though-)

𖦹 Y’know those liquid motion timer things? These

Yeah Ichika has like 5 of these- It’s so cool to watch! All the pretty colors move around and they mix to make a new color but then they separate? :0 Then it all stops… Then she flips it over and they go again! She also definitely had one that has glitter inside cause it looks like pretty stars! Her caregiver needs to watch her though, she’ll accidentally knock them over and they break and leave glass shards everywhere (•᷄ࡇ•᷅ ;)

𖦹 Ichika also loves flowers! She has cacti, but baby Ichika isn’t allowed near those. She just. Grabs. And she should not do that- It hurts a lot (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ ) Biting them is not better! She has tried! Do not let her or she will try again! So now Ichika just gets normal flowers :3 She loves picking flowers with meanings of like friendship and love and giving them to her caregiver and friends! She also loves to have her hair braided and flowers in her hair like Rapunzel… She’s a pretty princess!

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

While I was writing this post… I hit 100 followers? That’s insane… I’ll make an actual post about that in a minute! I started writing stuff here but it was getting too long… But thank all of you so much!

[hunter-sylvester]

Hi! I’m the anon who wrote the ask about Hunter’s parental issues and about his attachment to Kevin. Thank you for answering my asks, I absolutely love the way you write and how you explain everything! You’re extremely talented!🫶

I honestly didn’t notice how in love Hunter was with Kevin until I watched the movie a second time. It’s crazy how you can literally see all feeling in Hunter’s eyes when he looks at Kevin. I also loved how you said that their relationship fits a BDSM bratting dynamic, because I totally see it.

[and as someone who has ADHD and deals with RSD on a regular, I completely understand him. It sucks.]

Hey 🤘 [prev ask for context] Yeah I obviously couldn’t be 100% sure they were from the same person but it definitely makes the most sense lol

Thank you so much! I’m really glad you enjoy my rambling thoughts about Hunter as a character <3

If you do like my writing, I’m tempted to sheepishly gesture over to my actual Metal Lords fics over on Ao3 if you haven’t checked them out, even tho it makes me feel like a bit of a dick to do so 😅 (They are mostly locked to registered users, blame AI data scraping. The only Metal Lords fic not locked rn is a tiny ficlet. An Ao3 account is free tho 👀)

In any case, I really appreciate that you pushed me to do a bit of analysis again. Because sometimes I tend to forget that all the stuff that lives in my head as “obvious” isn’t always stuff I’ve said out loud on here lmao

There’s a lot to pull from the film if you’re willing to be a bit mentally ill about it.

And you’re absolutely right about the way he looks at Kevin, I mean, it happened enough for me to make a whole ass gifset of it lmao

Look at him. The boy is smitten. Clueless, of course. But smitten.

Which I credit basically entirely to Adrian Greensmith, as it was a vision he had for the character. I really can’t imagine Hunter having been played by anyone else as he brought so much to the role. (Fun fact, if I remember correctly: Noah Urrea, who plays Clay, originally auditioned for Hunter. No harm but I'm very glad he didn't get that. He makes a good Clay and Hunter just needed to be played by Adrian.)

One of the key things Adrian brought to the role also being, probably accidentally, his anxiety.

"I spent a lot of Metal Lords feeling a bit anxious [...] and in hindsight I wonder if some of that was just a sign that Hunter was quite an anxious character [...] I mean his body's so tense all the time." - Adrian Greensmith.

I shortened that quite a bit so I'm including a slightly longer clip of the interview audio for more context. (I can upload a subtitled video clip if anyone wants that as well as link the video on yt but I'd have to do a bit of a search for that)

Aside: If I had to guess I'd say he's probably referring to Peter Sollett who directed Metal Lords when he mentions a 'Pete'.

And yeah the bratting thing was a little bit of a joke but mostly not a joke. Without going absolutely off the deep end, the mentality behind bratting is something I really see in Hunter.

Evie Lupine has a wonderful video about bratting and why people would be interested in it (and why some people hate it) but a short snippet that always spoke to me from that is the following:

"The motivations behind bratting are pretty varied. I think one of the main ones would be a sense of security and comfort. This is when the acting out is sort of a way to be reassured that even when you, break rules, even when you push at things, the partner that you're with is not going to abandon you." - Evie Lupine

Obviously, with Hunter's fear of abandonment, it's easy to see why this would appeal to him.

He also just...idk he has brat energy - sincerely, a brat.

And Kevin does just play out the counterpart to that. He doesn't always have Hunter under control but he tries to.

And he does mostly act as that safe person to brat against, which again amplifies the impact it has when Hunter starts to think he's actually losing Kevin, destroying that feeling of safety.

Aside: I obviously don't think that these characters, in universe, negotiated for a bratting dynamic. In universe it'd be something that just sort of organically developed within their friendship/relationship. But even more than that it's an archetype of a dynamic that we as the audience can easily read into their interactions if that makes sense.

Can you believe the shit they will accidentally put in movies? lmao

And yeah, I have ADHD as well. And RSD is something that affects me pretty fucking severely. I've only really become more aware of it in the past year or so as my partner has pointed it out more and more.

So it's definitely something that I then noticed more and more in Hunter too.

Obviously this is all just my take on the character, and other people might have totally different interpretations. That's the beauty of art, we all get to find what we need in it and read it in our own ways, influenced by our own life experiences.

Thank you again for asking, Anon 🤘 (if you want to use a nickname or smth to identify that you're the same Anon, let me know. If not, that's totally okay too, but I might not always know it's you)

[annetictac]

Like I used to watch you sleep Chapter 3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

CHAPTER 3

It had been three years almost four since they had broken up, two years since he had last been in the same room as her – accidentally of course – and one hour since he admitted he had been avoiding her since that morning at his trailer.

“It’s not as if I check if she’s going to be at every race-”, he excused himself taking a big gulp, training be damned. “Just big events, it’s not like I was invited to the music events when we were dating, they probably didn’t know anything about me”.

“Yeah now you are showering with MTV invitations,” Daniel joked shaking his head. It was true that their socials hardly ever combined being from two different fields. The only time they had, he had kept himself at a distance, one of the firsts events he had been invited with Kelly. And though he had seen her get up stage to receive an award he had hardly been near her. “I mean I imagined you were somehow avoiding her at the beginning – don’t we all?- , but I thought you had heard the songs and maybe they touched a bit too close home”.

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve heard some, the more popular ones, but well…” he admitted nodding, rubbing his face frustrated. “There’s this little moment when we go to the states … you know they always like to invite as many stars possible or bring someone for an event or two that I think she might come, but … it hasn’t been the case”. He understands now the mixture of dread, relief and disappointment he would usually feel when they gave him the program – the only one he would ask with time in advance for the whole year. 

“Well, what do you expect?” Daniel counters. “I doubt she would just drop to see how you are, if she doesn’t know she’s welcome. I could ask Geri…” Max’s eyes double in size.

“Are you fucking nuts?” he snaps. “And I what, introduce her to Kelly?”

“I’m not saying that, idiot,” the aussie snaps back quickly. “Talking about Ms Piquet… what’s the deal between you?” Max shrugs.

“We are ok, I guess,” Max mumbles, eyes focused on his drink.  

“Really?” Dani scoffs. “Heidi said she didn’t think so”. Max looks up and they battle for some minutes before he sighs in defeat.

“She wants a kid, I’m trying to ..” Max huffs and rubs his face. “Avoid the conversation? The subject all together?”

“Mate,” Dani begins but Max glares and his stops.

“I know,” Max concedes. “I have to talk to her”.  They drank in silence for some minutes, not sure how to continue.

“It’s been what four years?” Max looks up confused. “Since you broke up with her,” he begins, scratching his moustache. “Maybe the whole pending conversation one front is making you see others that might not have been as closed as you liked? As many psychologists I follow on Instagram, perhaps some self – sabotage?”

“Maybe,” Max replied shrugging, another old fashion gulp. He winced at the bitter taste. “I just…” He begins but doesn’t find the words. “Sometimes I think about what could have been if I hadn’t…”

The doorbell rings repeatedly, probably Lando arriving two hours after being summoned.

“Lando doesn’t know right?” Daniel checks as he walked to his front door. Max shakes his head and Daniel makes signs of zipping his lips.

“Hello bros!” Lando greets giving a high five to Daniel who receives it with half of his enthusiasm.

“We were about to fall asleep,” Max replied dryly.

“That’s because you’re old old men, it’s like ten for crying out loud!” Lando cheekily replies. “Old fashion?” he asks once he approaches the improvised bar. “See? Old old men!” he announces victorious. “Where’s the vodka?” Daniel sighs, avoiding quoting ‘too old for this shit’. He pulls out a bottle he gained from Mazepin a few years back that one smell could knock you down.

“Comes with warning,” he explains seriously, taking out small crystal shot glasses.

“Well, what are we celebrating?” Lando questions as he serves generous portions for the three small glasses, taking a curious sniff before buffing. “Fuck, this is strong!” Daniel nods in remembrance.

“Celebrating?” He returns.

“Yeah! Did Max get renovated for 20 years, even if they have to chain him to the car?” The youngster adds gathering courage for the shot. He takes it quickly, wincing and airing his tongue. “Damn!” he manages to screech. Daniel hoots, Max joins him, less thrilled, shaking his head and playing with the brim of the small shot.

“Nop,” Max offers. “We are just being old men reminiscing the good old days,” he continues as he considers taking the shot, but finally pushing it away. It’ll be difficult to explain to Kelly why he arrives drunk home when he has a debrief early in the morning. It will be worse to explain to Christian.  

“Gosh, reminiscing, what an old thing to say,” Lando says jokingly. “Anyways what could you be reminiscing about? World champion for the second time and the season is not over,” He raises one finger as he continues to number “…great car – if the rumours are true, and you can tell me I’d only tell everyone at McLaren – Kelly’s smoking…. Her personality evidently is very importante and she’s just not a body- hello?, should I continue?” he rambles not paying attention to Max’s glare or Daniel trying to hide his snickering.

Silence takes place as Lando steals Max’s shot, cursing in low breath at his pour choices, while Daniel joins with his shot.

“Dudes,” Lando begins in his very best American accent. “If distraction is what’s needed, and vodka is rejected,” shot glass nodded in Max’s direction. “I shall have to follow one of the bests distractors known to modern society… gossip!” He climbs one of the stools, refreshing everyone’s drink quickly.

“Paddock gossip?” Daniel wonders wriggling his eyebrows.

“Nah, that shit is dead now,” Lando rejects quickly, stabilizing over the stool. “I should probably have something to eat with this… I’m starting to get dizzy,” he stumbles out of his chair grabbing the first bag of chips he finds.  He takes a handful and tries to eat them all in a bite. It takes more minutes of awkward silence while Max and Daniel wait for him to resume what he knows. He swallows exaggeratedly taking a small sip of the glass closest to him – Max’s watered down old fashion-. “So, as I was saying, did you watch Anna Pearsons’ documentary last night?”

Before he said this, Daniel had mimicked the young driver and had his mouth full of chips, that he half spit when Max’s ex’s name came to the table.

“Hear me out! Hear me out!” Lando continued quickly misunderstanding Daniel’s reaction. He took out his phone and began browsing his phone quickly “I didn’t watch it only because she’s hot! Which of course she is, I would say yes even if she only wanted me to follow her around to give her bottles of water. She’s one of the biggest song writers active right now, has broken many records and she’s in all an important character of our generation!” Max gives him a look that he once again misunderstands. “OK ok, but I think she will be! And look look!” Remote in hand he turned on the tv now in synch with his phone to immediately put a talk show neither Daniel nor Max recognized.

Max had not seen the rest of the documentary the day before, Penelope had woken from her nap and he had been playing with her for some of the afternoon while Kelly left with some friends for dinner leaving them for an early night. She had joked with him that he had to wait for her for them to finish it together. He had nodded with no intention of following through. He had no intention of finishing it, not pleased with the pitch in his stomach that had taken residence in his chest since he had first seen Anna on TV. It had taken him years to stop feeling the knot after they had broken up, he felt incredibly weak and stupid for feeling like this over an exposee of his ex-girlfriend. What would his father think.

“And also, apparently she’s single!” Lando added pressing play, breaking Max’s thoughts. “Was it this one?” Lando muttered to himself.  

“I mean she wrote to him what’s probably the most romantic album of our generation! Am I supposed to believe that love exists after this?” A young commentator said in disbelief. There are about six people seating in a room, most of them younger than Lando, only a women in her forties is at the middle acting like some sort of moderator.

“How could he do this to her?” Another asks.

“Men are assholes!”

“Wait! Wait,” an older female reporter interrupts the talk. “No one has said who left who, we only know that Roberto waited ‘til the end of the first part to be dropped before saying anything, which yes is a little sketchy” she tried to reason. “We don’t have anything that says what happened between them, Ms. Pearson’s team has not given any statement. There will be no crucifiction of character while I’m on the show”.

An image of Anna wrapped around a tall, wide brunet came up. “--- in fact, this is the only official confirmation we ever had they were even together”. A series of no more than ten photos of her and tall dark and handsome apparently actor showed consecutively through the back of the show. It ends with a capture of an Instagram post that reads something along the lines they had broken  up and the asked for the press to leave them alone. Dani snorted besides him.

“It is so douchy! They have never talked to the press about them and now he gives a f** (a bleep interrups) communicate without sharing it with her first?”

“We still don’t know if they talked it previously!”

“I mean she wrote songs that we call classics!” The first of the commentators returns to attack.

“Even if they were not for him, even if as she says she inspires from many situations not only one love, dude we are talking about the girl who sang the Can’t help falling in love rendition not breaking eye contact with him,” Another interrupts.

“He was the actor hired for the rendition, of course she had to stare at him!” Another counteracts.

“Rumours say they had been together as far as 2019,” A snort scaped Max, because that little he knew wasn’t true. “So even Last Kiss could be his!”

“And she was the one who made them hire him!”  The older reporter’s face revealed to feel the chat was going out of control, keeping herself out of the latest exchange of opinions when Lando stops it.

“This one isn’t helpful,” He mutters as he checks another video. “I saw a good one yesterday that spilled all the dish!”

“I loved this album because I gave myself the licence to write from different perspectives, to return to my beginnings,” Anna’s voice comments as a photo of a girl – her – no older than 10 was in a big desk writing away. “I used to write stories before I wrote songs and now, I feel this album is honouring that”. She raises from the chair and the camara gives a bigger plane of where she is. A quick assistant hands her a guitar once again. “This is an old one, but a good one…” She begins strumming.  

“We were in the backseat,

Drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar…”

 “This one is good,” Lance muttered in drunken appreciation. She kept playing in the back, camara closing the frame around her face and the top of the guitar.

“I hope I never loose you,

I hope it never ends,”

“Lando?” Dani interrupts, half amused looking at the younger pilot’s infatuated face and noticing Max was paying attention too closely at his ex as if she had been in his living room instead of his TV. Lando hummed confirming he was listening. “What’s the dish?”

“Oh she’s probabily going to be main artists in one of the F1 european stops,” Lando rambled breaking the spell of the situation.

“What?”  Max splutters.

“Yeah probably second half of next season,” He continues. “Apparently they are backing her to some old contract they had with the company that represents her”.

“Oh!” Daniel huffed. “I doubt after the last time she would be so willing to come back”.

“You are old! She came like four years ago, apparently it was a two-year contract that she summoned some clause to break it, they have been delaying and she only has ‘til next year before penalties”.  

“Maybe she prefers the penalties?” Daniel snickered not missing Max’s face at the news. Lando however drunk he was, his eyes narrowed information being processed.

“What do you mean?”

Max openly glares at Daniel.

“What happened?” Lando continued skipping between both older drivers to see if something scaped. Then he got lucky, Max was avoiding staring at him and Daniel was having a field day. “It’s not like you two …. Dated right?” Then Dani couldn’t hold it anymore and burst out laughing. Max’s face was all Lando needed for confirmation. “Nooooo!” He cried almost falling from the stool. “How the fuck did no one know?” Lando’s eyes seemed ready to pop outside. “Shakira has barely showed twice and we all knew she and Lewis are a thing”.  

“It’s not like no one knows, it was winter break, we ar- were very discreet and … Christian knows, Dani knew,” Max shrugged, knot tight. “It didn’t last long”.

“You fucking bastard!” Lando cried slapping Max on the back not sure if congratulating him or in envy, taking a quick shot. “Dani dude, you can’t have shit like this at home!” He turned to Dani sniffing the half empty bottle with fake disgust.

CHAPTER 4

[boots-with-the-fur-club]

Chapter 4 of The Teenage Mutant Phantom of the Opera!

@daboyau

A lot of things changed after Usagi so suddenly got the lead.

Obviously the biggest change was that he had to be included in the practice now since there wasn’t really any other choice.

People in the production started treating him a lot better too. He’s not exactly sure if it’s because they don’t want him to leave and force them to find someone else or if it’s fear of the phantom.

The incidents had stopped right after the former lead left. It was very suspicious, but saving Donnie proved that Usagi wasn’t the culprit.

That was something else that changed.

Donnie was way less frosty to him now that they had to act together, and making sure he didn’t get pummeled by a sand bag definitely helped.

Usagi was hanging up his costume when Donnie approached him.

“I need you to go with me to the coffee shop.”

“Uh….normally, someone asks the other person if they want to go, you know.”

“Well, I’m telling you I need you to. Technically you can still say no but it’s going to make things more difficult for me if you don’t.”

“I guess I should make sure that barista doesn’t finally lose it on you.” Usagi sighs.

As they leave together, Donnie can’t help but shudder, glancing back towards the stage.

“Something up?” Usagi looks as well.

“…..Nothing.” Donnie lies, turning around again.

It felt like someone was staring daggers at him, but no one seemed to even be looking their way.

The walk to the coffee shop is silent, but when they enter that doesn’t last long.

“YOU!” The barista shouts and points at Donnie.

He hides behind Usagi.

“Did you bring me here to be a yokai shield?”

“You agreed to come!”

Usagi makes a unamused face but still walks over to the counter while Donnie carefully follows behind.

“Hey Lex, can I get a caramel Frappuccino with extra syrup?”

She nods, heading off to prepare the drink.

“You’re on a first name basis?”

“I’ve come here a few times since figuring out that drink order. Since you haven’t called to complain since she’s been pretty grateful.”

“I wasn’t complaining, I was just letting them know it wasn’t correct.”

“Telling someone they’re wrong without telling them how to be right isn’t too helpful.”

Donnie rolls his eyes.

Lex soon comes back and hands them their drinks. She already knew what Donnie wanted.

The two of them take their drinks and pay.

Lex stares hard at Donnie which makes him pretty uncomfortable.

Usagi gently nudges him, motioning for him to take a drink.

He does as asked.

Lex huffs happily when she sees that he doesn’t hate it and gets back to the other costumers.

“Did she really have to see me drink it?”

“She was ready to pull her fur out because she couldn’t make it right before, I’d be really happy to see you finally enjoy it too.”

Donnie grumpily continues to grumpily sip his drink.

They leave the shop after that.

“How do you….do that?”

“Do what?” Usagi looks over at him.

“Understand people.”

“Oh I do not understand people that well at all!” His ears shoot up.

“You are somehow doing it better than me so now I feel insulted.”

“Look, almost all the friends I have right now are people who wanted me dead at first. There’s only one who doesn’t and I’ve upset him a few times accidentally already. I’m just really not as good at it as you think.”

“Then how did you know how she was feeling? What her thought process was?”

“I only imagined what it must feel like in her place.”

“Ugh, you make it sound so easy!”

“You know it’s okay for it not to be easy right? Sometimes it just isn’t. It’s something to work on.”

“I’m getting pretty tired of working on myself. Part of the reason I’m in this opera is because my brother said it would be good for me to “socialize” and “express myself” in ways other than technology. What’s wrong with being me?”

“It sort of sounds like he might be worried that you, I don’t know, have baristas wishing you death and trying to catch people confessing on tape.”

“I do not recall that.” Donnie takes an extra long sip.

“Why did you join it if you think it wouldn’t help?”

“My brother would have been sad and since he’s the baby of the family it would have caused a lot of problems. And…I don’t know…..maybe I did want to socialize.”

“Even though you don’t like me, we did talk. I’d say you’ve been socializing.”

“I don’t exactly hate you. I just don’t understand you and that makes me angry.”

Usagi raises an eyebrow.

“You could just ask me questions? I’m sort of an open book, you seem like more of a safe to me.”

“I just told you I have a brother.”

“Yeah, but I knew that already from the whole glitter thing you mentioned.”

Donnie’s eyes widen.

“You remember that?”

“Of course I do, you hardly talk about your family unprompted like that. Or even in general really.”

“Maybe not unprompted, but not many people ask in the first place.”

They walk in silence for a second or two.

“Do you have more brothers?”

“One. I have two in total. I’m told it used to be three.”

“O-Oh. Can….can I ask what happened?”

“My father said he lost him somewhere he could never get him back. That’s all I know.”

“Wow….do you….think about it a lot?”

“We have one of those death shrines in the room that would have been his. There’s not even a photo, just a drawing my younger brother did. With absolutely no way of knowing what he could have been like it’s hard to gauge his potential presence in my life.”

“Do you still try?”

“…..I ran a program, once. An algorithm that could determine different possibilities of a third brother. It was useless, even the most likely one could be widely off base.”

“Why did you tell me this?”

“I’m proving I’m not a safe.”

“You didn’t have to tell me something so personal.”

“You asked about my brothers and what happened to one of them. I answered.”

“That’s….true. I guess I’m just not used to hearing something like that so soon.”

“It’s not that personal to me anyways. It’s not like I lost someone I knew in the first place.”

“But do you wonder?”

“Wonder what?”

“Wonder what it might have been like with another brother.”

“I set up an algorithm for that actually. There’s a 90% probability that he would have been annoying, in my space constantly, and not nearly as smart.”

Usagi notices the way his face falls a bit. He looks away and purposefully bumps into him.

Donnie barely keeps his drink in his hands.

“Hey! Watch it!”

“Whoops.” Usagi smiles.

Donnie furrows his brows until he realizes what he was doing and rolls his eyes.

“You’re already plenty annoying, you don’t need do that.” He still has the twinges of a smile on his face.

They eventually made it back to the theatre.

Their scenes together for the rest of the day seemed much less tense than they usually were.

After production was over and mostly everyone went home, Donnie held back slightly when he saw that Usagi wasn’t leaving yet.

“Why are you still sticking around here when you don’t have to work on the set?”

“Oh, uh…..it’s pretty nice here at night! It’s actually relaxing to be alone and look at everything.”

“That sounds entirely unbelievable but also somewhat harmless so I’m just going to say goodnight and don’t die.” Donnie waves as he leaves.

Usagi waves back, relieved that he doesn’t have to explain what he’s actually doing.

He still continued his singing lessons with Leo despite getting more time to practice. It helped to be able to do both, but he also just wanted to see him that often.

Leo shows up a little late, hands behind his back.

“Sorry for keeping you waiting.”

“It’s okay, it wasn’t that long.”

“I wanted to bring you something.” He holds out a small cutting board with two apples and a knife.

“You brought snacks!”

“Special snacks.”

They take their usual places at the edge of the stage with their legs dangling over.

Leo begins carefully cutting up the first apple. By the time he’s done, the slices end up resembling rabbit ears.

Usagi’s eyes light up.

“I didn’t know you knew how to do that! I always loved eating them this way when I was younger.”

Leo hands him the already done slices and works on the next apple.

Usage happily eats them, ears twitching a bit.

Leo’s heart melts.

He was originally doing this just because he got jealous that he saw Usagi and Donnie getting along before leaving together.

While he still felt that way, most of it is replaced with just adoring the brightness of Usagi’s perfect brown eyes.

Part of him wonders if the jealously is really just because that dumb soft shelled yokai in general or because he wishes he could leave this place together with Usagi.

He’s been using his portals to grab items necessary for him to survive ever since Melyna died.

Well, some were less than necessary but still helped him from going completely nuts while all alone.

New song books for the organ, magazines with articles about the theatre world, some comic books, just to stave off boredom.

What he takes has changed since Usagi.

He read plenty of books about rabbits. He wanted to know everything he could about him, even if it didn’t apply specifically to him.

Once he practically memorized a page from reading it so much, he would draw Usagi’s signature ear ties on the rabbits and then hang it up on his wall.

It was practically filled up with those pages at this point.

Seeing it, seeing him here, right now, Leo knows that he’s been changing.

Focusing on keeping the theatre and its performances perfect was all he cared about before.

He assumed he was so obsessed over Usagi because of his voice, how important he is to the ultimate goal of the best opera ever.

It was more than that now.

Leo wanted Usagi happy no matter what he did.

“How was your day today? Is Donnie still giving you trouble?”

Usagi swallows the apple pieces he’s just chewed.

“He was actually being pretty nice despite using me as a shield at first. We went to the coffee shop together and he told me some things about himself that make me think he’s not as bad as I thought he was.”

Leo grips the knife in his hand harder.

“Has he apologized for how he treated you?”

“No….he hasn’t. Maybe he’s just too embarrassed to do it after I helped him.” Usagi awkwardly looks down and plays with his hands.

He feels a little dumb for not only taking this so lightly, but also

“From what you’ve told me, he might not even feel bad about it. It’s possible he’s being friendly with you just so he can do his role without taking any responsibility for what he’s done.”

Usagi looks back at him in surprise, ears tensing.

“You think so? He seemed so genuine.”

Leo grits his teeth slightly, cutting up the apple in his hand faster.

Maybe he wasn’t fine with Usagi being happy doing just anything.

Donnie doesn’t care about him the way Leo does, nobody can!

Leo understands him, they have a connection!

“Guys like him just aren’t worth your time.”

“But I think there’s a chance-“

“He didn’t stick up for you! He’s not good enough for you!” Leo accidentally is too forceful and the knife goes right through the apple.

It cuts into his hand.

“L-Leo!” Usagi shouts.

Leo feels his blood run cold as it runs down his hand.

He holds it close to his plastron and stands up in a panic.

Usagi stands up as well.

“Hold on, there’s a first aid kit here somewhere, let’s get you bandaged up!” He reaches out to take a look at his hand.

Leo recoils.

He can’t let him see the fact that it’ll heal itself within seconds.

There’s already been too much, he’s already too strange.

He already accidentally dropped his façade.

Anything more and he would just see what a complete freak he really was.

There would never be a chance to be with him.

Leo runs off.

Usagi quickly follows, shouting his name.

Despite being so fast behind him, he ends up losing him.

No matter how long he searched in different areas back there, he couldn’t find any trace of his friend.

He was left all alone, dumbstruck.

[baycitystygian]

well I guess it’s about time I made an about post!

I’ve been on this website for like six years or so and I never really made a proper intro post to my blog, so here’s a couple basics for new friends & visitors just dropping by!

-heather williams, she/her, 25, neurodivergent as fuuuuuck but not officially diagnosed with specifics yet (although I’m almost certain I have autism, there’s a possibility I have ADHD or both? looking into a diagnosis, but definitely ND in general)

my sideblog for my current hyperfixation/crush/hall pass is @heather-willz and it is all Paul Williams all the timeeeee 💕this is not to subtract Paul posts from this blog but rather to add more Paul posts to this beautiful world that allowed this phenomenal composer to flourish (can you tell I’m delirious as I’m typing this)

-if you’re a minor and you like a post of mine, that’s cool- but I post whatever I feel like so be warned, I don’t censor myself and I do have a wide range in my sense of humor so there will probably be adult themes™️ on here so I don’t recommend sticking around- or do so but only at your own risk! I also don’t interact with minors and I’ve always listed my age just in case it matters to someone happening across my blog.

-I generally don’t tag often unless A) I’m talking in the tags or B) it’s a hyperfixation that I want to go back to/keep organized in tags on my blog, if you’re a mutual and there’s anything you’d like me to tag that you filter/blacklist please send me an anon in the ask box letting me know! I’m happy to tag anything that might be an issue but I don’t really know if anything specific is a sensitive topic to a mutual unless they tell me and you can absolutely stay anonymous about it- do not hesitate if there’s any way I can be a better moot ❤️

-big procrastinator and very sporadic on here (even though I generally use this app as my morning paper) so I can take awhile to get to asks & sometimes I forget altogether, sometimes I save them in drafts then forget to check my drafts & I’m very bad about that and I am SO sorry cause it’s genuinely never personal 😅same with messages but I’m not unfriendly, I just have raging executive dysfunction

-I block liberally over political reasons, TERFS are blocked on sight, any blog I happen across that’s said/reblogged something that might generally be upsetting to me and, of course, bots get blocked too- I don’t engage in discourse so if you’re a TERF, right winger, or just a general troll just keep moving along or block me cause I just go right for the block button anyway. any hate has no home here, UNLESS it’s hate for bigots or cops ✨

-I check blogs of people I follow but I don’t necessarily check OP’s so if I’ve accidentally reblogged something from a shitty person (“OP is a terf,” etc) just slide in the ask hole and let me know cause the odds are almost 100% that I’m unaware

-I am a continually broke ass bitch that feels guilty every time I see a donation post and I feel awful every time I don’t donate because I literally cannot keep my own shit together. As a result I generally don’t reblog donation posts or any call-to-action posts, partially also because my blog is really for my own entertainment and I use tumblr as a lighthearted escape from the world. which has become increasingly difficult as of late but I still want to keep my blog as just fun posts or anything I find useful. I do care, a lot in fact… but it’s complicated.

-I don’t post original posts terribly often, mostly just reblog anything that tickles my fancy but vintage fashion/shows/music and rocks are my big ones on here. most original posts are just top-of-my-head nonsense or stuff I’m hyperfixating on

-if you’re a fan of Paul Williams, Barenaked Ladies, Bucks Fizz, Bay City Rollers/Rabbitt, Flo & Eddie, Howard Jones, Bowling For Soup, Wings (the TV sitcom but I’m also a Paul McCartney & Wings encyclopedia if that’s more your speed), Phantom of the Paradise, or Caroline In The City, those are all recent-ish interests of mine that have almost NO fandom so like. you’re automatically my friend now if you like any of those 😂

…I think that about covers everything I wanted to say, so sit back, relax, and have fun in my hodgepodge of a social media home ✨

[shadowbunnydragon]

To Bailey, Lily, and Russell: Since you’re dating a predator, what kind of relationship challenges do you face? I’m only asking because I’m a guy and I’ve had a male wolf friend recently come to me and ask me out

Russell, his ears turning pink: "Uh... w-well..."

Baily: "You do have to remember that us humans are omnivores, making us predators as well. Granted, our lack of claws or sharp teeth kinda make that a bit hard to believe for some mammals..."

He reaches into his coat pocket to pull out his buzzing phone, accidentally swiping up and hitting the speaker option.

Leodore: "Hey there, Barney! Just calling to let you know that I've mulled it over, and I still find it silly that you guys are predators. No offense, but you kinda look more like how we'd make a felt puppet mascot for a show to teach very young mammals tolerance and understanding and all that nonsense towards predators. Basically you're predator lite, if you catch my meaning. Also wanted to let you know that I'm gunna be kinda late for our next card reading session, things did NOT work out in the waste disposal union like I had thought it would. Seriously, you make one, or several, jokes about organized crime connections, and suddenly everyone gets up into a tizzy... oh great, it looks like I'm getting pulled over now. I probably shouldn't be talking on my phone while driving, but this is just getting ridiculous. Anyways, see you in maybe an hour."

The phone goes silent, the three humans staring wide-eyed at it in silence.

Lily: "Anyways... it's true that there have been some challenges. Like smaller herbivorous mammals sometimes being nervous around us and giving us side-eyed looks and wide berths."

Russell: "Patricia and David told me that it was a lot worse towards predators a few years ago, but that it's gotten better. The specism towards predators in general, I mean. But then there's also... some members of Jackson's pack aren't too happy with him not dating another jackal, or at the very least, another canid... and sometimes, despite the brave face he puts on... you can see that it does in fact hurt him from time to time..."

Lily: "Some of Renato's family has voiced similar concerns... with his great-grandmother suggesting that we are some kind of evil spirits that have started appearing to work a dark mischief... whatever that means."

Baily, rubbing the back of his head: "I might be kinda lucky in that regard. I'm sure some members of Sophia's pride might not be too happy with her bringing in a human... especially one who was, until very recently, homeless. But thanks to a 'certain someone' and their increasingly embarrassing antics, I guess I'm looking golden in comparison..."

His phone buzzes again and, after receiving now somewhat amused nods from the other two, Baily swipes up and enables the speaker function yet again.

Leodore: "No, officer, you've got this all wrong! That wad of money just fell out of my pocket! It was not a bribe! Speeding and talking on my phone when driving is around $150 here, I've gotten enough tickets for that to know by now; so why would I try to give you $400 when I can just bite the bullet and pay this fine?! OOF!" A loud slamming sound followed by a muffled voice speaking. "Oh, uh, Basil, we're gunna need to have a rain check for that reading. Apparently someone needs to FILL A QUOTA!"

The call ends.

Lily: "... Anywho, opening your heart to someone can be scary, and each time there will be their own sets of challenges. But, there's the chance that you could find someone who makes your heart sing... ahem, and whom you get on with wonderfully. Ultimately, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my big fluffy Marshmallow."

Baily: "I never thought I could feel the way I do about Sophia. Sometimes I wonder if she isn't an angel..."

Russell: "And I'm really glad that I said yes to Jackson! I don't know how things will go down the road, but I'm really happy here and now!"

Lily: "I think that it's safe to say that all three of us here wish you the best of luck with this wolf boy!"

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

About Dazed, but not the same anon!

I’m so frustrated with those interviews… It always lacks depth, barely scratches the surface. I want to know more, I want more substance. I wish the interviewer would ask better questions or try to push a bit more, it’s just lazy work every time.

Again on this topic about Jungkook wanting to be bigger and cool : while I understand what he means by being bigger, you explained it well, I would also love to know what it’s like for him to be "cool". Does he have a role model in mind? is it about a specific image he wants to achieve? Why is it so important for him? Right now it just sounds a bit shallow and superficial and not a very clear goal that could be reached for. Being bigger as an artist can be objectively quantified, with BB charts sales numbers, radio spins, awards and so on (though we could discuss that…). Being cool, on the other hand, is something that you end up being, almost accidentally? For me it sounds as weird as saying I would like to be seen as a humble person, for eg. You don’t get to define yourself as so, it’s one of those qualities that it’s up to others to determine if you are or not, how can it be something you reach for, especially if you verbalize it so loudly? I don’t think it’s something you can work towards. It’s too subjective, not like you have to tick certain boxes and then that’s it, here you are, a cool guy lol. It’s a consequence of your personality, your actions, not a goal. Or am I being too obtuse? I know I tend to be lol English isn’t my first language so I’m struggling to put my thoughts into words.

I’m just a bit skeptical because the goals he’s setting for himself seem too vague and an easy way to getting lost. It almost sounds like a dead end to me. I’ve always find him cool, and paradoxically now the more he’s saying he wants to be like this bla-bla-bla, the less I’m perceiving him that way. It’s like when a person you admire or your love interest for eg says something and suddenly they start to lose their aura/magic. It’s like a turn off. Sorry, I’m being a bit too harsh. But I guess if his role model is someone like Bieber then it’s only logical I’m losing the plot, that guy is the epitome of a caricature to me, the exact opposite of cool, precisely because it’s so obvious he has tried so hard to be so it looks fake, like a facade. Please Jungkook, you already are cool, what are you talking about 😐

Hey different anon! Yeah, these interviews are always pretty boring. Unless Jungkook or the members develop their thoughts they won't be asked follow up questions. I think the interviewers choose not to push them sometimes, even without the language barrier. RM and Suga often give good interviews where they get asked interesting questions, but perhaps interviewers expect less of the other members? In the sense that they don't know whether to push them or not, so they choose not to?

But the worst part is that this article read like a fic. It was cringe.

Hmm, I get what you mean, but I think Jungkook's "cool" isn't exactly the English "cool". If you know a little of Korean you probably know the word he's using, which he's used to express what he wanted his legacy as BTS to be. He once said he wanted people to look back at BTS and say "they were cool" (or something like that). "Cool" is kind of an all-encompassing word that means good and enjoyable, in a simple, digestible way, and not necessarily smooth, charming, cold, and other ideas related to "coolness". It's like Jungkook just wants people to remember BTS fondly, like it's enough to be an artist that people enjoy in a very simple, comfortable way, even if it's just one song or performance. Rather than iconic, once in a lifetime group, I guess he just wants BTS to be a group people look back on and say "BTS? Oh, I remember them, they were cool". I don't know, it's simple and innocent, and actually not that ambitious?

On the other hand, Jungkook has always talked about wanting to become a cooler performer and show cooler performances. In fact, that's something all idols says. But it still raises the question of what a cooler performer and performance means to him. We know he's usually a bit dissatisfied after he performs and that he feels like he's lacking in many ways. We also know he wants to look sharp, mature, sexy, powerful, and that's surely part of becoming "cooler" - it's like he wants to become his ideal self and be less Jungkook. I remember Jungkook saying he loves the Seven choreo because it's cool, while I personally find it weak and basic. But it's laid back and "sexy", and he thinks that kind of performance is cool.

Jungkook is very hyperactive and kpop is very excessive. It sounds like maybe Jungkook wants to tone it down, make his performances look more approachable and "effortless" (other concepts related to being "cool"). Maybe this all comes down to his maknae image and not wanting it to limit him, or to be perceived that way forever? So Jungkook becoming cooler is becoming someone who can surprise people and put on laid back performances that look effortless? I'm, once again, reminded of Bieber. I think Jungkook very much admires him and thinks he's a cool performer. He mentioned enjoying him at the Grammys although Bieber didn't dance or do anything special. Jungkook is someone who wears his heart on his sleeve, and maybe he wants to be colder, cooler, and not the goofy cutie we see him as. I can relate to that tbh, because I feel stupid sometimes because I'm too smiley and openly emotional.

Maybe it's not shallow, maybe it's coming from a place of insecurity? We know that, despite recent improvements, Jungkook isn't actually a very confident person, but he's trying to become someone he can be proud of - his ideal self - and, to him, that is simply someone "cool". A cool artist, a cool performer, a cool person. Maybe Jungkook doesn't really know how to express the image he has in his head any better than this? But, yeah, I also disagree with what I think his idea of cool is. And just like the ambition to become "bigger", it's not really an attainable goal. You can always climb higher, in theory. Will there ever be a point at which Jungkook feels like he's "cool enough"? It's doubtful.

So, yeah, I get your skepticism about Jungkook wanting to become "cooler" and how that makes him less cool, but it's not really about being pretentious. I think Jungkook really feels like he's lacking and wants to become a cooler artist, in every sense of the word, but I do feel like he's getting stuck on the idea of coolness being sexiness, manliness, nonchalance.

I don't even know if I agreed or disagreed with you haha. What did I even conclude? Not sure, but thanks for the ask!

[goldom]

AFoLiS author commentary Part 5-1

Okay, so I'm not going to sit here and re(-re-re-re-)read the entire novel for this, but I'll just have a quick scan for anything I want to comment on.

...okay haha right off the bat I discover I accidentally made a parallel between the very first line of this part and the upcoming one. Please pretend I never said that and that it's all intentional.

After having written parts 3 and 4 at the same time, this was the first time in a while I was writing a story in order and I didn't know where it was going yet. But even early on, we get some hints toward one of the main problems for later. Right in chapter 1, Stelle is weirdly tired, which she's already suspected is related to lacking the Stellaron. But what neither of them are suspicious of yet is Firefly's strength.

“You’ve gotten so strong,” you say, marveling. “I guess PT did its job,” Firefly says, steadying you. “More than that. I don’t think you could have lifted me like that before.” “Well, I am spending a lot more time outside of her than I used to.”

In retrospect, it's interesting that when prompted to talk about her time with Glamoth, Firefly tells stories of what was done to her and of the people she knew – but never of what she herself did. She's not proud of it.

Every one of them deserved to live just as much as me, Stelle. Please remember that. I wasn’t anything special. I was lucky. That’s it.”

I'm so glad that, at least this far, canon has gone this route. I was scared they were going to make her be the Empress, and I think it would have ruined her character.

“No, I’m sure. I’d love you whether you were a girl, a boy, anything else, even an inorganic species. As long as you looked at me the way you do, it wouldn’t change anything.”

As much as part of me wanted to write a story about two lesbian characters, that's not who Firefly is. While I don't agree that Caelus/Stelle are interchangeable, not in the way society views them or what it means for them to do the things they do, there's no denying that Firefly loves either of them exactly the same. In a word, you could call her pan, but then, as she says, "It’s only you." Even she doesn't know who she could have ever ended up with if not for Stelle. Likely nobody.

Probably the most obvious parallel, Part 5 Chapter 3, Stelle:

From different worlds in different eras, and yet she fits me. Maybe this is why I was born.

Chapter 10, Firefly:

You’ll protect her forever. No doubt in the world. Maybe this is why I was born.

And the only one they ever actually discuss openly, in Chapter 25:

“Sometimes,” Stelle finally says, but has to pause to moisten her dry mouth. “Sometimes I think maybe I was born for you.” “Really?” It’s a sweet, if meaningless phrase. Except it’s not meaningless, because… “I’ve thought the same thing about myself.”

Chapter 4 is the first time outside the side stories I was writing Firefly's POV. It took me a while to figure out a voice for her. Early on, she uses a lot of brief sentence fragments, but that's really not accurate to her. In canon, she talks way more flowery than Stelle, and so I eventually dropped that feature. Of course, Chapter 4 was my response to playing 2.3. The beauty of that moment, followed by the crushing emptiness of never getting to say goodbye. I think they really bungled that part. Even if we're going to see her again soon, even if in canon it's only a few weeks to irl's months, it doesn't matter, you say goodbye to someone that important to you.

Part 5 Chapter 4, Firefly:

They made me wrong. They messed up and built a girl to love you.

Chapter 28, Stelle:

Made to hold a Stellaron? Maybe they made me wrong, too.

Stelle helps Firefly dream, but she's interrupted by sleep paralysis. Like I said, I didn't know what I was doing with this story early on, and this... was kinda pointless. If you were looking for a meaningful interpretation of the dream woman, you weren't going to find one, because I didn't have one, which should have been a hint to me to not include it. However. I have one now. And I have made some subtle tweaks to the scene to fit. Instead of "You're new here," the woman now says,

“You’re finally here,” she calls. “But we’re not alone, are we? Our little talk will have to wait.”

Firefly wants so, so bad to be able to Write to Stelle that she keeps pretending she can. She knows how incredible it can feel to have someone love you directly into your mind. I'm jealous too.

“It’s pronounced ‘Vonwacq.’ And why do you keep calling it that?” “Vonn… W…ack.” Stelle tries again. “Waaahk?” “Just like it’s spelled. Vonwacq.”

This is a reference to 1970s sitcom Barney Miller, in which Detective Wojohowitz is constantly exasperated at people not being able to spell or pronounce his name and uses this line, as if it's easy. No, I did not expect anybody to ever catch this except maybe my mom, and she didn't until I told her.

I said it at the time, but the idea of Firefly carrying around hand sanitizer for Stelle is the absolute pinnacle of romance and I'll never beat it. This is the kind of thing she doesn't even think about, because she's so focused on needing to return Stelle's grand gesture of saving her life. But Stelle sees it, and she feels loved for it.

Then in the hotel, we have the first of my more overt references to the subtle homophobia of the world, the feeling othered. The clerk doesn't do anything wrong. She's not trying to be bigoted. But when you're on the receiving end of it over and over, it gets to you. And Stelle shoves back.

And then again later when it comes to getting the check at dinner. I guarantee 99% of people have no clue this is a thing, but let me tell you. When I transitioned? Suddenly. Suddenly every time my now-spouse and I went out, we were getting asked if we needed separate checks. It took me a while to figure out why.

Of course you’ve seen other oceanic worlds. Some of them even still exist.

man I love that line.

In scenes like on the beach the first night, I really figured out how to write the two of them differently, at least for this part. Stelle, having already overcome the worst and saved Firefly, is in a state of euphoria. She's constantly thinking in the most over-the-top, elegant phrases, like

She pulls out the vibrance in every scene she stands before, like a touch of makeup on the face of the world.

While Firefly, still lost in doubt, uses more down-to-earth language. For now. But once she finds her way forward, it all changes.

That’s not the kind of thing you say. You say things like ‘for as long as we can.’ Not anymore. Not for Stelle. Stelle gets ‘forever.’

Then we meet Erik. I wasn't sure if people would catch on immediately that introducing a named OC was a bad sign for his survival chances. Oh, I guess I should say though, I guess I did that again with the mention of March's date at the very end of the story. Don't worry, she's not about to die.

Okay this is too long already. More later.

[thnksfrthmmrs]

hey. hey. heyheyhey. today, june 12th, is a very special day. y'know why?

exactly one year ago today, you sent me the first official tiana loves kell sunday ask. and since that day, you and i have grown from casually supportive mutuals to actual family. it is remarkable how much can change in 365 days.

every single weekend, we drop into each other's inboxes to give little kindnesses. we've swapped numbers. we've shared secrets and stories. you've offered me perspective, strength and compassion when i've needed it, and i've offered back a listening ear, reassurance, and well-deserved bullying directed at anyone who has crossed you. we're confirmed, over and over, that we are the funniest motherfuckers alive. i infected you with mcr. you accidentally fell into the hellhole that is professional wrestling, and then decided you liked it down here with me. when the new fob dropped, we got to experience that togehter. we've spent countless nights going fucking batshit insane over fall out boy, wrestlers, bad bunny, ray toro, and so much more.

we can talk about anything. we can trust each other with everything. (and we encourage each other to be As Delusional As Possible and it's AWESOME.)

i drew something to celebrate, bearing in mind that it is ALSO mania monday, hehehe. we got a second fob nod in there, with the seashell, too, because without that silly little band, we never would have crossed paths. guess i should thank them too, eh? (and no, i did not draw the entirety of the water, but it IS my own photograph, so i can do whatever i want and i prommy i'm not a thieving thiever.) i hope you like it.

i've never had an easier time becoming friends with someone, never mind growing to be this close this fast. i am so endlessly thankful to have been able to meet you. i can't wait for all the years to come, because now that we're here, you can't shake me. it's forever now. i love you a lot, tiana. thank you for sending that first tlksunday. the year that followed it was some of the most fun i've ever had. knowing you has made me better. 💜

i’m trying to think of what i can even say (warning: it’s about to get sappy), and i know i already told you but this made me very emotional the second i saw it. now it’s been a few hours and i reread it and really took it all in and it’s still just like man… idk. i’m really lucky to have you.

thank you for letting me in. i know that can be hard, and i sometimes feel like i just bulldozed my way into your life and built myself a home, but you didn’t stop me! now it’s like i can’t even remember what my life was without you and can’t picture a day without you in it, and i’m so excited about that. you can’t shake me either. genuinely, i don’t think there is a single thing that could push me away from you.

i love that we’ve shared so many little parts of our life with each other. we really can talk to each other about anything, and i think it can be really hard to find someone to do that with. we talk about our past and our present and our hope-to-be futures, we share interests, we invite each other into the best and worst parts of each others lives… and you’ve never once judged me. you’ve never made me feel like what i’m saying is “too much.” everything i say is met with such genuine love and compassion. really all i can hope is that i am able to do the same for you, because i love listening to you talk about your interests, about your day, about the things that make you happy, and even the not-so-fun parts of your life. i love every part of you that makes you who you are.

kell, you are one of the most gentle and beautiful souls i have ever crossed paths with. this alone, the fact that you made a point to mark and celebrate when we really started being friends, shows everything i love about you as a person. without a doubt you are the best friend i’ve ever had. i’m so glad i found you, i’m so glad that i pushed away all anxiety and awkwardness and sent you a silly little ask to inform you that i love you, and i’m so glad it let us to where we are now.

and like… a YEAR? it feels like i’ve known you forever and yet that still feels like it went by so fast. the past twelve months have definitely been filled with it’s share of challenges, but you’ve helped and continue to help me face them all while celebrating the good moments and milestones as well. i guess the universe really sent me you at the right time, and i hope i have and can continue to help you through anything that comes your way as well.

i need to wrap this up because it’s almost midnight (YELLING AT YOU AGAIN FOR SENDING ME THIS AS RAW STARTED!!!! making me all emotional while i was distracted smh), but just know you mean more to me than anything in the world. also, you hope i like it? I LOVE IT 🥹 this is genuinely so beautiful and i love seeing us together through your art until the day i’m able to be obnoxious with you in person.

happy one year bestie day, my dear!!! here’s to infinite more 🩷🩷🩷 and hey, have i mentioned i love you? :,)

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Lol it’s funny, I barely ever talk to my family anymore. Mainly because I’m not really sure how they’d react to me transitioning and being more feminine. Also I’m very unsure how conservative most are, some I know how views that make me a tad scared and others I’m like could go either way. But like I rarely make the effort to reach out right, and sometimes I do like on socials.. a handful of them follow me online like they know I “have pronouns” type of thing.. when I do reach out sometimes it doesn’t get volleyed back very clearly like that happened today.. but also I literally never have any of them reaching out to me or trying to talk to me. I have distanced myself physically, so, fair. But a bunch of them have me on insta, like they could message me. If they had questions or just wanted to talk I 100% would. That’s another thing like, bro I am an open book if u ask me questions, I will tell u everything. No one ever asks about what I do or what happened to me. And that’s good kinda because I don’t want some shit to start, I have a trans and queer second cousin and it was rough. Like I’m not gonna full come out to my mega christian family and be like hi I’m new name and they pronouns like god no so cringe I can’t. Maybe that’s why I’m not like haha hey let’s hang out yay! That sounds so uncomfortable. They’re good people and my friends, it just is unforch they’re not like, progressive christians I guess. That disturbs me a little right, that dissonance is hard to get past and it’s done a lot of damage to a lot of families over the years. But anyway like, I think people don’t want to know. I don’t think they hate me, cuz like literally what have I done except come out in my own life now, as if they couldn’t have seen that coming I’ve always been the weird kid. Even tho I feel like I’ve become more “normal” now lmao. But like nooobody checks up on me, I actually truthfully don’t care I know I could, it just makes me question what that’s about. Even my dad lol. I think I give off the vibe that I don’t want to talk maybe? I think ppl think they’re better not knowing, maybe they get the vibe of my politics and that I’m not straight. But idk like besides suffering under “the system” lmao, I’m not a bad person or having a bad time. Like I wonder if they think that because I’d definitely vote democrat that I’m evil or lost or something. Then I’m like oh geez what/who would they want me to be, and what would that even look like. And how off and weird that would be to who I am right.. like I know I don’t fit in. But again like I’m not a bad person or a criminal. I have a lot of empathy I think, I like to talk to ppl about their problems and talk it out or try to give appropriate advice. Like maybe they think I’m bad idk, for some reason that also weird me out. I don’t think they’re bad, I know for a fact some have old fashioned annoying views about gay ppl being allowed to marry but that’s not their whole personality. Yes I don’t like that but I live in the world some people have bad takes. Some people hate “pronoun ppl” right like, but I’ll still have a conversation w them. Maybe about that but I’d rather not. Like I get they might think I’m weird for that but, I can very logically explain it, and I don’t give a shit if someone doesn’t want to use they/them, like I have to not care right. Idk I think I’m reasonable and fine to talk to. Anyway lol, just kinda weird that all I had to do to stop talking to my family I’m slightly scared of was to move away. Again I actually think I don’t care, maybe I do if I’m thinking abt it this much but I think it’s just meh.. but that being said it’s does feel like I was kinda forgotten about lmao. And it’s kinda nice to not have to pretend I’m christian and never swear or whatever. Again idk what they’d prefer me to turn out like.. I just feel like either accidentally or purposefully I’m a dirty little secret lmao. Probably just me making it up. Like I super could be tripping on this one. It’s just been so long, and there has never ever been any fights or even stated disagreements. Weird idk

[mentalhealthmublings]

It’s a journey

I wanted to type my thoughts down on paper. Life is a bumpy journey so here’s a snippet of mine.

I was diagnosed with depression a long time ago, given medication that I seemed to tolerate and then in 2021 I had a mental health break. I didn’t know what was going on, but now I do. I was hypomanic. I was in danger and I had two friends get so angry at me for behavior that was “unlike me" so they left me in an Airbnb in Portland, alone. Two years later and I still harbor resentment towards them. I am left with the constant questions of, why? Was I not good enough for them to care? Was my life not worth it? Sometimes I wish I had died. So that would sit heavy on them for the rest of eternity. But I’m stronger than that.

Upon returning home, I asked and honestly harassed them (very publicly on social media) to pay me back for the trip and they eventually did. But guess what also happened? My best friend's Mom texted my Mom saying “she’s paid your daughter her money, can your daughter stop harassing mine?” As if my life was valued at $1,000. This was my best friend. Someone I wouldn’t go a day without texting. Someone that lifted me up when I was down and I did the same for her. I wish it hadn’t happened that way. I wish I didn’t have six friends walk out of my life all at once. If you want to talk about the heaviness of not knowing what is going on with your mind and then adding in the layer of losing your friend group, I’ll tell you -  it’s a recipe for disaster. I moved home, I went on a medical leave from work, I was lost. I would get in fights with my Mom telling her I didn’t want to live any longer. Imagine the pain she felt. Having raised me to be the woman I am today and me telling her I didn’t want it. That I’d rather just not exist. But still I rose - I attended therapy, an intensive outpatient program, but I never received any diagnosis other than depression. I was in deep pain that could only be felt by me and my family. For a period of time I moved in with my sister and her husband. I was still in pain but I was also still fighting. 

On June 20th 2022, one week into starting my new job, I was admitted to the emergency department for suicidal ideations. I was on a 5150 hold. The humiliating part about that is you are a prisoner of your small room and are also very visible. You aren’t allowed privacy and honestly at that moment you aren’t afforded it. You don a green gown instead of blue one, a sign that you have a mental disorder and you are followed to the bathroom and are under 24/7 watch. No cellphone, no access, just you, your thoughts, and the pain that resides inside of you. A pain so great it is indescribable. But I’ll try to describe it. 

I’d equate depression to cancer. However, in some cases with cancer there is finality. I wanted finality. I thought of all the ways I could “accidentally” die: a car accident, a crazy fall, someone taking my life in a mass shooting. However, I didn’t have it in me to actually perform the act of taking my life on my own. Why? Because of my family and because of my boyfriend and his family and one friend that stood by my side through it all. I knew that if I died, a part of them would, too. And how in the world could I be so selfish? I’m an empath; always have been, always will be.

Fast forward to today, I’ve now had two hypomanic episodes and was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I grappled with that diagnosis for so long. I’ve never liked taking medicine and here I am taking two tablets, everyday for seemingly the rest of my life. When I was diagnosed I figured this was a death sentence. I did a lot of research about the longevity of someone’s life with bipolar disorder and it didn’t sit well with me. I attended more programs, I got a new therapist but I just wasn’t feeling better. I kept saying to myself, how does one live life like this? Staring at the ocean, a sunset, my boyfriend, my family and feeling numb. I felt empty. I knew things were beautiful in front of me but it was as if I lost my zest for living, I lost my sense of humor, my empathy, I lost versions of myself and I honestly lost my memory. I couldn’t remember things that my boyfriend told me the day prior. I had severe anxiety, I couldn’t sleep well without sleeping pills, and I felt like every day was a freaking battle. I fought that battle and always will. I’m proud of myself. I have the deepest and utmost gratitude for my boyfriend, my parents, my sister, her husband, H, and my parents dog. They showed me the true meaning of love, support, forgiveness, patience and acceptance. I will never ever be able to describe in words how much gratitude I have. 

As I reflect back on everything that has happened, I am still ashamed of myself. I know the pain that I inflicted on those closest to me, the sleepless nights, the fear, the heartbreak. But I am determined to not let bipolar disorder define me. As my family says, equate bipolar disorder to diabetes. You take a pill to be able to stay alive. I choose to do that. I will be a mental health advocate, as I have been. I will continue to share bits of my story, bits of myself, bits of hope and acceptance. Because honestly, that is what I deserve. I expressed some very personal things about my struggle very publicly. I would take some of that back, but not all of it. I think that the friends that responded to some of what I wrote in support of me, kept me holding on. I’m finally feeling more like me. I’m enjoying the company of friends and loved ones. I'm in love with a human that is unlike anyone I have ever met in my entire life. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I’m going to be an aunt in a mere matter of months. I’m proud of myself for fighting so I can sit here typing this. So I can look back and see how much I have overcome.

[skyward-floored]

I’m repeating stuff I’ve said (and that might’ve been said earlier in this post but I accidentally missed 😅) before I’m sure, but here’s my thoughts on all of it.

(readmore since I blabbed a bunch)

Basically? Reaching out is hard. For both big and small people, but I get the impression it’s worse for smaller folks then it ever used to be?

Like think back on how I ended up as a big blog, and I mostly just... reached out to bigger blogs. I reblogged art I liked and made sure to be nice in the tags, same with fics and analysis and all that stuff, and I sent asks telling them I loved their ideas and people just... ended up sticking around I guess?

And I don’t know really how to articulate it, but the vibe around here is just... different? Then it used to be?

And that might be because of the large turnover i feel like we go through (changing interests, one too many controversies for some folks I think. I don’t blame them), or just the general change of social media as a whole, but it is different around here. Not all bad, but not all good either.

—Buuuuut I’m getting slightly off-topic.

About different sized blogs and clique-y stuff and interacting, I think a lot of it comes down to just... time? And differing personalities too.

Like for me, I honestly just don’t have the time to reach out to every new person that pops into the fandom (does anyone..?) or even people a bit outside my usual circle. You guys are making awesome stuff I’m sure, and I try to at least check through the tag for neat stuff every other day or so, but I can’t look for new stuff, and keep up with my (unfortunately) large number of notes/asks, and check up on my friends, and scroll through my dash, AND reblog the stuff from blogs I specifically followed. And that’s not even mentioning stuff like making my own stuff, writing fics and analysis and other things, plus irl commitments... I’m only one person. Silver touched on this pretty well I think.

...Plus I often use tumblr on a janky old iPod that sometimes takes several minutes to load things and likes to crash the app at any given moment, so that certainly makes things more difficult 😂

But it’s also just my personality at play here. I’m not good at making friends and never have been, and if somebody doesn’t talk to me I guess I usually assume it’s because they just... don’t want to talk to me 😅. Being an (unfortunately) big blog doesn’t mean I don’t have social anxiety. I’m just slightly more used to it then I used to be cause I’ve been on tumblr for 4-5 years. I mean just replying to this post made me anxious XD

So I tend to stick with folks I know because it’s just... easier for me. And that’s a really lame excuse, I know, but... that's the reason. And I’ve never intended to be clique-y, but I know it can come off that way. I've just known most of my mutuals on here for years now, and it's a different dynamic, you know? I always try to be welcoming to anybody who comes on my blog though, and I hope I've suceeded in that.

But anyway, it's like someone said earlier: interaction goes both ways, we've all got to interact with each other if we want to keep things alive around here. Big and small, and everyone in between.

Uhhh I think that’s about all I got. I'll probably look at this later and wish I'd put it better, but I think that's all I have to say.

For everyone who’s worried about interacting with people on tumblr I have a pro tip:

Use ask games!! Literally the lowest entry bar.

And if that’s still too much, I got nothing 😂 just please don’t expect creators to come track down everyone who secretly wants to be friends 🫠 I see my mutuals post them pretty often so there’s a good chance you have an in with them at some point.