diaryfullofsparklesandkisses

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

TLDR on the last thing. U have ur purpose. Ur bad at it or something so it doesn’t work under capitalism. U can’t do that w ur time because u have to work. Work makes u tired so u can’t do the thing. U live in constant mental tearing, especially when u remember the situation, about how u know what u should be doing but u can’t do it. Knowing u gave 100% at it (but still not liking what u made in the past) makes it clear that you’ll never be good enough to make it out of this cycle. U have to understand that this is how it will be until u retire, if u retire. The weight of knowing you failed is there. The weight of knowing ur not good enough, not talented or creative enough. That no one will ever see what u made or get any help from it (most of the reason why u put work in). Like u failed, and ur punishment is the dissonance. It might last ur whole life, it will make u sad, or disappointed in urself for not doing better. U just have to realize ur not that good at ur thing. And that there’s no way to get better. U can’t do ur thing. Ur potential has been wasted and it’s ur fault. Maybe some fault is not getting lucky like I don’t want to be dramatic. But seriously like u get ur chances and u fuck em up every time. Like art and design is fine, I’ve had cool opportunities. But honestly I really like making music, and I’m just such a fuckup there. Like so much it is wild. Such a fuck up. Idk what’s wrong w me. I love making music. And I’m so bad at it. The problem is I like what I make and it’s the best I can do. And the limitations I put on myself are usually on purpose? But yeah usually, when I finish something, I’m like yeah this is the best I can do. But my best is so far from good enough to have ppl listen to it or become popular w a small audience. Like it’s me it has to be me. And it’s kinda my fault for ever thinking I could do it. But it’s my thing so I had to try. Just hard to bear the weight of knowing how much of a failure at ur purpose u are.

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Okok. I think I can explain how I feel. So like picture u find what u really actually like to do, the thing that feels like work in the sense that it’s hard but rewarding and adds positivity to society. Then ok u spend a lot of time doing that thing, we’ll u sorta had to to understand that this is the thing you feel like u should be doing.. So for me this is studio music, like making music in my house and putting it online. Sewwww I see a lot of ppl doing this as well right, the ones I see are usually successful (cuz u don’t see the ones that aren’t). But like u know it’s possible some ppl get to have an audience that finds them where they like the music, maybe the artist lives off of that but idk how that would happen. Regardless there are ppl who technically do that, tho I guess that involves live shows maybe. So for me I’m constantly in the state of, I found the thing I want to do but I’m dogshit at it. But it’s not like I want to be super proficient at an instrument, or write impossible progressive music, or like idk my goals aren’t that grand at all. I kinda make what I want to make for the most part, maybe I master things slightly shittily, my side point is that loss of ppl make things happen while having the skills and tools adjacent to what I think I have. So idk if that’s the problem. More just like for whatever reason nobody notices me. BUT BUT BUT ok I super hate having to pretend I’m a big deal though. I use to do that when I was in survival mode and I fucking haaaate looking back on my outward facing attitude at that time. It’s not even that bad but it’s just so cringe. In reality I’m not intelligent I’m not THAT cool and I don’t think highly of myself, I guess for the reasons of failing so much. I do not want to be self promotional like I think I’m a big deal, because I’m not and that’s embarrassing, I’m literally just doing my useless skill. Same w visual art, absolutely useless, such a bullshit skill that I have. But if I make something nice that goes on someone’s wall then that’s epic. But sometimes I don’t want to make a nice thing, sometimes what needs to come out it horrible, cuz that’s how I feel I don’t feel good. Because this isn’t a good time, usually I’m not doing what I want to do succesfully. Ok so u find ur thing u should do, u try and try and try, every thing u make ur proud of, then after u make it u think all ur past things are silly and failures, and ur new thing will be different. Or u just resign ur new thing to being bad and that no one will see it and that’s fine. And that’s where im at. Im at, im bad at what I do creatively, and when I do do it im doing it for only me. Which is fine. But I barely get to do it from how tired I am from working and other commitments I have in life. BUT THE THING IS MY ACTUAL PURPOSE. So I spend all my time not doing the thing I should be doing and regardless of if that’s an untruth it feels true to me so it’s bad mentally. Either I completely let go of anything creative and I was never an artist forget about it I don’t even know how to do any of that, or I get this mental torture all the time. And I can’t forget, I’ve done it too long to forget. And there’s no way I can like “live my dream” that’s simply not going to happen. Bro I cannot believe how delusional I was in the past like fake it till u make it steeze.. I just can’t remotely look back at it cuz I’m like oh god did I actually believe I was good. But I had to!!!! I didn’t have any other options like I had to try it. It’s just so embarrassing. Like baseline I’m so average, even if I try to make sure I’m original I’m somehow not, like there’s just no way to be actually good. Or that’s not accessible to me. And having no art or music “career” lol that definitely makes it all worse. Like I can’t help but put all my time in because it’s my thing. But even when I’m trying my absolute best it doesn’t find ppl or there’s no audience or whatever. And that’s kind of on me, like most of that is probably my fault and the quality of what I’m making

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Istfg working 10-6 makes me so not good in the head. Like getting in and cleaning toilets and being like fuck I gotta do things until 6. And I never buy myself food so it’s just so fucked. Rather be doing so many other things that are actually super necessary for my life and time use. It’s just working. I don’t dislike my job that much but gd whenever I do the same stuff for 8 hours that isn’t my personal goals I yearn to fuckin finish asap, idk how we all do it. Like depression symptoms fr where I’m not tired but my w my “free time” that doesn’t include food prep and dinner, it’s gotta be something real special to make me want to do that. And it does happen but the default is like I’m not even real, no personality, my goals get pushed to the wayside and it’s like why even bother working on myself etc

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Bruuh knowing that diy electrolysis works and having my face half done but not having any time to devote to it is torture

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Bro fuck rich ppl fr. Like yes I’m jealous and yes my life sucks (but it’s not as bad as some ppl in the world I UNDERSTAND) but if I’m allowed to have some room to vent like no I’m extremely uncomfortable if im honest and something is most likely wrong with me mentally. Will I ever have the tools to unpack that, idfk. Idk how much psychiatrist shit would cost, even tho im on insurance like lmao no they’re going to charge me for that shit and it’s probably something I’d have to go back for and spend more money on. Same thing w medical which is a total gamble in terms of life. But imagine being able to go to the doctor and like preventatively or just to see what someone thinks about something. Bro I don’t even know how to get to the doctor. If I can’t walk there im not going to appear there. Imagine being able to buy a basic ass house in a somewhat peaceful neighborhood. Ifuckingmagine ???????? If I just don’t spend any of my money I get from working besides on rent/food and the absolute bare essentials, I’ll get there one day. But I could die before then because of not wanting to spend money on an ambulance or staying in a hospital. So far I ignore pain health issues and they fix themself. That is so dangerous and I know it. But like I am full bore saving for when I can’t work. I don’t want to even fucking work man like this shit hurts. And I have so many things I’d rather be doing. Pay artists idk. Just like yeah I’m jealous that shit sounds nice. But honestly fuck money I hate it so much. Fuck rich people and their money ew cringe. I get it we need it but ew man it’s so gross. How do they not have survivors guilt or feel any guilt or idk maybe they do and ignore it??? I just want the bare minimum and maybe be able to work how I want, and that is too much to ask honestly. Ideally it wouldn’t be but like not it is. Something is definitely wrong w me too like I can’t find my way out and in my head it’s bad with this shit. I feel like not very not adult about these topics cuz shit didn’t just work for perfectly for me even tho I had a good start. Like it’s because there’s something wrong w me and me being independent does not lead to a good outcome but I have no other choice. This is my life, I know what I want to do but the things I make aren’t that good or I don’t get lucky etc so I can’t do that under capitalism, so I just have to suffer daily. It’s my fault I don’t like money or I’m not some fabulous creative person. Like it’s my fault and I’m being actively punished for it all the time and I’ll probably die earlier because of it. And this is probably so many ppls realities. But usually not rich ppl, so fuck em idk.

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Brooo cmon earth has got to be hell right???? Like I know ppl have it way worse off then me. But still like, all last night trying to sleep I had music from to YouTube ads stuck in my head, cuz they repeat often (I need to fix my Adblock situation but still the amount of repetitive ads ur soaked in daily is fucked) and like here I am at work early, taking care of trash like I do every Wednesday, like not a great societal place to be at esteem wise. And grossness-wise. But this is the only shit I can bare doing at the frequency of barely full time. And everything’s dirty and I’m supposed to clean it, not that hard of a job but I’m still like fuck definitely don’t want to do this, I don’t want to work like this but literally every other job I’ve tried is so much more difficult and traumatizing. Idk I just feel all the parts of my body that aren’t quite right, I can’t tell if I’m hungry or if my stomach hurts like it’s both feelings randomly from one minute to the next. Talking about it makes me feel better but it’s like this every day and the only end in sight is retirement when I’m 70, ik that’s unreasonable cuz a lot can change in a year if not 40. But it’s just like, this is the only thing that is feasible. I’m actually lucky I even found out I could do this. But like, the amount of personal problems I could resolve and move past if I had a month off, or a year off. If I didn’t have to work my life would be amazing, and that applies to everyone else too cuz no one’s that special lmao. I do not deserve that shit ahahaha. Bro I lichrally can’t tell what is going on w my digestive system rn. When I’m actively dying I’m going to think about how horrible digestive problems are and that it’s not worth it to feel sad abt dying. Anywho yeah lmao like, knowing that ur “thing” is making art and music, and using all ur free time to solve ur other basic life problems u have (usually totally diy cuz fuck bills and fuck our predatory medical system, I don’t trust they won’t send all my hard earned money into the hole, also this is an attitude that can lead to death lmao isn’t that cool, fuck the world fuck u) yeah idk it’s really personally sad, depressing if u will. I’d probably feel survivors guilt if I made it out. Instead I just feel jealousy for everyone who gets lucky enough to be stable and creative at their own pace. And u need to practice to be creative well, so like I try to prove myself but it’s never good enough and also I think I’m a dumbass anyway so I don’t take myself seriously enough probably. But also cringe at taking urself seriously lmao. Yeah no like, this is hell and also I can’t even acknowledge that because of how fine the experience is in some ways and how the whole “it could be worse” thing is inescapable mentally. I don’t want to take things for granted. Also no fuck u humanity could make this system work for everyone, we have the resources, we choose not to. Or we’re too animalistic and not evolved enough. But the balance of all that bullshit is so subtly hellish, that’s awesome.

TLDR I’m just complaining and stupid

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

I suppose I should write abt electrolysis since I did mention it here somewhere. And a lot has happened. I just finished the first real complete pass on my whole face. Last post I wrote about it I think I’d just finished my upper lip. Idk how many hours I’ve already spent, but I’m on dense parts it seemed to take me a week or two, devoting liiike 2-5 hours usually every day to it? Maybe more like 3 hr on average idk. But some days it’s all I do w my free time. And it sucks, it’s horrible. Also I should note that my entire upper lip area grew back, just less dense which is weird. Below my chin (which was so awful getting through) seems to be permanently sparse which is nice. Sides of my face didn’t work that well for some reason. My second full pass will likely look visually better, I just want to get to the point where it’s rewarding, like I can finish a set patch in a night. I just got off working through my chin for two weeks, it was horrible. Maybe I’ll update more in the future but yeah first pass done we love it.

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Woeew it’s me back again !

Here to complain

Dumbass complins:

Ok I don’t really believe in life purpose too strongly. But w that being said, knowing ur probably supposed to be and artist and/or musician, knowing ur energy probably should be going towards that cuz the results COULD be interesting, but not being able to do that under capitalism, it does feel like torture. Also super bending my “skills” to other ppls ideas for capitalism is very torture too so that’s not recommended. But no it feels bad, it has and it continues to, it doesn’t go away! It doesn’t matter that I feel like I’m basically done making things, cuz I have more ideas but I just don’t feel like it rn, but it feels like that feeling could go on forever and this is just it..

HAVING SAID THAT I feel so unintelligent and immature for having that feeling because 1. Nobody can fucken do that lol, like it’s so improbable u can just go be an artist or musician. Or maybe ur rich and u can afford to fail and never really care. So like, yeah, we all wanna be a creative successful person doing their own thing, get in line me fuck u. And 2. What I make isn’t THAT good like it’s just ok, also constantly having to beat urself for survival is so not good to have to participate in.

I just want to make things with my time, that sounds like a good use. Maybe ppl can benefit from the things too, wooo helping society’s mental health and happiness hopefully. Like why live life besides that. Obv the whole American dream is super unfulfilling on its own, like get more money then u can exceed living in squalor then u can buy things and participate in the economy. All the while most of ur time is spent working on something that’s not ur life’s purpose. Like u only get one life maybe, probably, or maybe not but only one life under one identity in a specific circumstance. It just fuckin sucks having to work all the time, and be grateful for it because without that you’d be so fucked. Like seeeewww fucked, I’ll never make shit off creativity, ik that’s bad to say but seriously be realistic, u have to get so lucky for that to happen. If anyone ever thinks I’m mean to myself for saying my things are mediocre or that it’s impossible to survive selling work, like it is simply a reality check. Go try to do it urself and u will see how impossible it is, it doesn’t matter what u make (within reason), the practice of the selling is still capitalistic usually and it either works or doesn’t. Fuck money, I seriously hate I have to lust for money, fuck u fuck the world I hate that so much. It ruins everything, it ruined my life. And I don’t have a better solution either, it’s all so fucked. I just want to use my innate creative gifts in the way they come out, not someone else’s way for their business. I don’t want to make paintings of faces or songs about love, I want to do something that I want to do, sorry about it. And also like, fuck me for having desires right, because again we all sorta feel this way and we all don’t have access to being able to do that unless we’re born wealthy or something. Or get incredibly lucky. So the system is horribly unfair, and I think I’d definitely feel awful if it somehow worked for me and I knew there was a bunch of ppl having similar thoughts wasting all their potential (not saying I have it horf horf but ik there’s probably random geniuses at a certain thing that have to work at mcdonalds etc) I just couldn’t stand to know that, cuz what makes me special, I’m not, I’m normal. Seeeewwwwuh where does that leave me idk.

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

I also feel like it’s responsible/important to note, in addition to whatever last post that I’m like “this and that is actually affecting me I’m not just making up that it’s bad”, ALSO, that super includes just being myself and expressing myself. I walk on the street every day for work because I don’t have a car. U best believe I’m manmoding as hard as possible, fuck men fucking w me. Idk my life is like that tho. My job is hella masc. like yes it all isn’t ideal yes I’d want it different but I can’t do shit about it, this is it. It was so hard to get to what works that I have to stick with it. I can look/act however at work, that’s cool, just working in and directly outside of a lgbtq organization ik I can be a target too. And I’m technically the most appealing kind of target if I let myself look any type of transfem. So idk yes shit is scary it’s also psychological too. Knowing there’s ppl who definitely think ur “grooming kids” when that’s the furthest disgusting horrible shit from my mind ever, that’s terrifying and disheartening and frustrating. Like the ppl who are on about that stuff don’t realize they’re targeting real ppl, if they had a normal conversation w me, even if it was about gender or something, I’m sure they’d at least see my humanity and that I’m not a monster or something. But yeah it’s definitely worse now, back when I came out I knew there were some random people who thought amab ppl expressing femininity were freaks, now it’s like oh now everybody knows about us, look at the news and a handful are about something related, everyone has an opinion. All that’s in the back of ur mind when ur decided whether or not just putting subtle eyeliner on is “too much”. Aka an example of going back in the closet, which is what conservatives want. For some ppl that’ll really mess with them in terms of mental health, it could lead some to suicide. It sucks knowing urself and ur life then having to pretend to be something else. Especially if u used to live a certain way and that was right for u, but now u have to go back.

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Here’s the thing about right wing grifters and politicians making anti trans laws or content or outrage or whatever the fuck. So the stereotype for like lefties/libs/whatever, which most trans and queer ppl are myself included, is that they’re all sensitive snowflakes and nothing bad is actually happening to them, they just overreact blah blah. So knowing that, I try to actively have a thick skin right, I don’t think they’re correct but maybe I’ll look bad if I’m too sensitive or complain etc. BUT actually, besides laws getting passed that can limits adults transition freedom, besides that, every god damn fucking time I open my phone or read the news or anything it’s another story about trans people or mr beasts friend (who is similar to me in terms of gender journey lol so it feels extra personal) or this or that like everryyy fucking time I look at anything it’s like guess who thinks trans people are horrible let’s watch them and listen to their talking points. That is kinda mental harm and I don’t think I’m being too sensitive or snowflakey in saying so. I desperately wish it wasn’t this way I can only take so much, especially when it’s transfeminine ppl getting dragged out and scrutinized.

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Overwhelmed I’m so overwhelmed fml there is too much

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Post electrolysis of my entire mustache, it is like so good and so affirming. I’m assuming half of it or more will come back. But it’s such a relief, just that area. Like feel of that and there’s no annoying hair there anymore it’s wild. It’s hard to enjoy with the fear of literally the whole thing coming back but I guess I just have to wait. Fuck it’s good though. Makes me want to do the rest of my face, if it actually works. Even if it works half way it’s worth it. Pretty sure I’m not scarring my shit but even if I am it’s almost worth it. It’s not even a perfect look thing so much of why I hate it is textural and daily fixing and thinking about it.

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

I thiiink I think I wouldn’t feel so weird abt failing as a creative person so much if like, there were almost seemingly normal signs of ppl liking creative content things I make that aren’t for someone else’s project/company, like my own things. It almost seems like a burden? Or something, where stuff gets no response. And sure I expect that like I HAVE to right. BUT it’s really crushing to understand that like, it’s me, it’s just me and what I make isn’t good. I think it’s good and that’s why I post whatever it is. But I rarely get response or interaction, which is kinda why I put a lot of work into making things like I want to make somebody feel something. N I don’t understand what’s unappealing about this or that.. like none of this is about skate footage, I’m a trick troll, it’s usually jokes, I’m not very good in a traditional sense so whatever. But like art and music.. fuck, I still can’t listen to interviews with musicians hahaha it makes me like motivated cuuuuuz cuz cuz I want to be part of the bigger conversation. Not just spend my life making a massive body of work no one will ever find. I mean that is appealing and silly but what if licherallehh no one ever finds it. It’s only funny if at least one person has a what the hell is all this moment. I’m doomed though I’m so doomed. I’m not good enough like I always feel like I could be and I’ve been doing things for a while so logically I think I could be but it’s clear I’m just not. That’s not fun to realize all the time, that’s not very good for day to day life at my cleaning freak job where I wonder if I can ever “make it” then immediately cringe. Can I fulfill what I do actually feel is my life’s purpose, no, because I’m not good enough, I thought it wasn’t true but I know it is. Like I’m not even normal forgettable. Maybe I’m a special brand of forgettable where it’s clear to everyone else I’m not good and wasting my time working on music or art.. like u think ur singing in key and in reality it’s all fucked and terrible sounding. That literally might be it and gah how embarrassing. Like to be someone who makes ppls day better with ur art u have to be good at it and make art/music that’s worth ppls time. And I don’t. Like it’s really hard to give up on my dreams. I have a thing for self punishment tho so I’ll probably just keep doing it to frustrate and torture myself. But there is no end in sight anymore. It’s pretty embarrassing there was at some point hahaha like ewwuh. When I didn’t have a job I had to think that way though because I was desperate. Now that I’m doing better monetarily I can admit more things to myself maybe. I have 0 upward mobility. I used to think I was smart and now I know that’s probably not a smart thing to think. I’m pretty dumb. And getting dumber the older I get. I don’t like to use that word but u know what I mean. I just need to release the steam of thinking about that all the time. Like the “what am I gonna do” is seriously like, sweep floors and clean toilets. That’s it, that’s what I get. And it’s kinda because I’m not good enough. That makes me so sad and mad at myself. I can’t do anything else about it but always try to best myself? I’m so tired of trying to do that.

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

I must say. After spending way more than 10 hours across 3 or so days doing a heavy electrolysis round on my mustache area (that probably won’t even stick that well).. what the fuck is up with eternally growing thick ass hair growing RIGHT ON TOP OF half the populations mouth. Like in intelligent design, brUH ppl should be walking around with full mouth curtains, trimming it is disrespect to got right. All the food, all the spit, all the gd snot is getting stuck in that thing, gross, u can’t see facial expressions.. like how the hell did this happen. I mean to me facial hair 100% feels like a curse but like everyone’s walking around w this shit!!! And we have the tools to fix it now but like honestly it is legit something that needs to be fixed. Why is it that way??? Only thing I can come up with is so that the non facial hair version recognizes the facial hair one. P sure there are other things u can tell that by if u needed to. Curtain of hair, really? Every time I see a mustache or shaved one now I get grossed out it’s so ugly and weird. No offense to other ppl right like I’d never tell someone that, but wtf why put that there. The whole thing with the hair on the face is so bad.

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Lol it’s funny, I barely ever talk to my family anymore. Mainly because I’m not really sure how they’d react to me transitioning and being more feminine. Also I’m very unsure how conservative most are, some I know how views that make me a tad scared and others I’m like could go either way. But like I rarely make the effort to reach out right, and sometimes I do like on socials.. a handful of them follow me online like they know I “have pronouns” type of thing.. when I do reach out sometimes it doesn’t get volleyed back very clearly like that happened today.. but also I literally never have any of them reaching out to me or trying to talk to me. I have distanced myself physically, so, fair. But a bunch of them have me on insta, like they could message me. If they had questions or just wanted to talk I 100% would. That’s another thing like, bro I am an open book if u ask me questions, I will tell u everything. No one ever asks about what I do or what happened to me. And that’s good kinda because I don’t want some shit to start, I have a trans and queer second cousin and it was rough. Like I’m not gonna full come out to my mega christian family and be like hi I’m new name and they pronouns like god no so cringe I can’t. Maybe that’s why I’m not like haha hey let’s hang out yay! That sounds so uncomfortable. They’re good people and my friends, it just is unforch they’re not like, progressive christians I guess. That disturbs me a little right, that dissonance is hard to get past and it’s done a lot of damage to a lot of families over the years. But anyway like, I think people don’t want to know. I don’t think they hate me, cuz like literally what have I done except come out in my own life now, as if they couldn’t have seen that coming I’ve always been the weird kid. Even tho I feel like I’ve become more “normal” now lmao. But like nooobody checks up on me, I actually truthfully don’t care I know I could, it just makes me question what that’s about. Even my dad lol. I think I give off the vibe that I don’t want to talk maybe? I think ppl think they’re better not knowing, maybe they get the vibe of my politics and that I’m not straight. But idk like besides suffering under “the system” lmao, I’m not a bad person or having a bad time. Like I wonder if they think that because I’d definitely vote democrat that I’m evil or lost or something. Then I’m like oh geez what/who would they want me to be, and what would that even look like. And how off and weird that would be to who I am right.. like I know I don’t fit in. But again like I’m not a bad person or a criminal. I have a lot of empathy I think, I like to talk to ppl about their problems and talk it out or try to give appropriate advice. Like maybe they think I’m bad idk, for some reason that also weird me out. I don’t think they’re bad, I know for a fact some have old fashioned annoying views about gay ppl being allowed to marry but that’s not their whole personality. Yes I don’t like that but I live in the world some people have bad takes. Some people hate “pronoun ppl” right like, but I’ll still have a conversation w them. Maybe about that but I’d rather not. Like I get they might think I’m weird for that but, I can very logically explain it, and I don’t give a shit if someone doesn’t want to use they/them, like I have to not care right. Idk I think I’m reasonable and fine to talk to. Anyway lol, just kinda weird that all I had to do to stop talking to my family I’m slightly scared of was to move away. Again I actually think I don’t care, maybe I do if I’m thinking abt it this much but I think it’s just meh.. but that being said it’s does feel like I was kinda forgotten about lmao. And it’s kinda nice to not have to pretend I’m christian and never swear or whatever. Again idk what they’d prefer me to turn out like.. I just feel like either accidentally or purposefully I’m a dirty little secret lmao. Probably just me making it up. Like I super could be tripping on this one. It’s just been so long, and there has never ever been any fights or even stated disagreements. Weird idk

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Here’s why normal (average day job u don’t want to do but have to) work feels punitive. First establish that work is unpleasant and hard. If it’s not then it won’t feel punitive most likely. Sometimes it could be a mix, like hard but something u want to do. But say your job is something difficult and something unpleasant, this is most people’s experiences I would guess. Say you’re wealthy, ur most likely not to waste your days doing something difficult that u don’t want to do. Ur also probably going to remain wealthy or get more wealthy. Say you’re poor and spend all ur time grinding. Ur unlikely to make gains like a rich person would, idk for me it seems like there’s no upward mobility. My skill is my skill and this is it until I’m too old. Perhaps that’s wrong, life changes, but I can’t see another option. Let’s make this idea more interesting by considering the subject is creative, and knows the possibility of their work being valued could give their life stability, more purpose, ability to attain wealth in the way they didn’t have to waste their time. I could apply this to my own life. But, in typical fashion, not everyone will see success. They will stay poor and in their basic survival career, most likely. Hopefully not but probably. So say u try and be creative and it doesn’t work out in terms of reach and support. Not attaining your goals or lifestyle remotely will lead you to having an objectively worse off existence. To me it feels like I’ve failed over and over at my actual purpose in life (creativity) and I must suffer because I wasn’t good enough, or a mix of that and luck. I fully know that it’s probably me and I make things that are too ugly or unwanted. But the sting of not being accepted and therein being like, banished to clean toilets, idk that sucks right. Like I can feel sad about that, reasonably. That’s a reason my life isn’t as good as it could be. And I’ve done it to myself, so it’s like punishment. I’d say this concept is most likely applicable to most people who work and have dreams but can’t seem to attain them. In combination w my last post it’s like, if we consider this realm as punishment (who knows intent and if that’s true but it very much feels this way, I don’t think that’s an unfair relation but it could be how things shake out naturally and we’re prescribing meaning), we’re being punished, and we also set up our earth society system to punish most people (who don’t have means to spend their time doing what they would like).. so that contributes to the overall punishment vibe, but it doesn’t have to be this way, making knowing that even more despair inducing (because from being on the ground it seems there’s absolutely no way out, besides getting “randomly famous”). Which, fuck that, but also fuck this lmao. Idk fml f our lives it is all kinda fucked huh. I guess life’s about minimizing all suffering, helping ur neighbor through their struggles, trying to glean some happiness when u can and trying ur best to add to the world and humanity.

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

W the idea that like life on earth is either hell or an experiment— living here is fraught with daily negative experiences that trigger negative and depressive (possibly nihilistic) emotions. Though there are happy moments that gives pauses between negative moments so u don’t get too used to them idk. Just because there’s good doesn’t mean there isn’t a ton of bad, and maybe that makes the bad more impactful. So if u establish that life here isn’t neutral, and in fact nature is against us in terms of conscious beings attempting to survive as long and as healthily as possible because they are conscious.. so it’s bad, it’s a bad time (the only thing that seems perfected is life’s ability to propagate and continue here, very little regard for anything besides reproduction, which makes sense from a nature centric perspective, fine) if consciousness is not a very strange random fluke, if there is a realm where consciousness is valued or other beings who govern our ability for self awareness, perhaps they/it is in charge of creating the nature system, or at least injecting us into it and seeing what happens. The question is, is this purposeful in a punishment way, or is it purposeful in a “let’s just see” way. Is it purposeful in a “you figure out the challenge”way, or is it purposeful in the “you did something terrible somewhere else and this is your result” way. Because this is objectively not a good time, and it could be a million times worse (it actively is for many ppl even with our recent technological advances). So what the fuck is up with that. I’m not accepting that a benevolent singular god set this up and because we disobeyed it now this is just how it is and afterlife will be super perfect. Maybe it will be but we can’t know. Not knowing anything is part of this experience, of course we come up with multiple answers and argue over which is correct. Something’s definitely up with this but it seems impossible to pinpoint what’s doing this and why.