#sometimes i find myself making facial expressions that remind me of his and a sense of dirtiness and sick washes over me

[devilsflowermantis]

i’ve been feeling so disconnected and empty lately… the state of politics and my right to exist being debated like i have no humanity, the state of the world & war and its disregard of humanity and the astronomical suffering, my isolation in a community i feel i can’t belong in and the fact i can’t escape it because of my current physical health. the news i’ve gotten about my health this year and the uncertainty and the lack of answers. i have a mass in my thalamus that is causing neurological issues and they have no idea what it is. i have chronic pain and fatigue. i can’t plan for my future, i don’t know what is to come, i don’t know what is going to happen with this presidency. i’m just existing and feeling empty and unfulfilled. i have this sense of loneliness i can’t mend - on one hand, i feel i can only connect to others through suffering, and on the other is that whatever is in my brain is too personal to connect to anyone over. i continue to live because i don’t want to die like this. i want to know what it’s like to feel connected to my existence. i don’t think i’ve ever had that feeling and i don’t want to die as empty as i am because then it’ll feel like i never existed at all. i don’t want all that’s left of me to be the suffering i endured. and i don’t want to leave that suffering with my friends and family. so i will continue to just exist and float through my life hoping i can find a way out of this.

[siempre-bucky]

In the Eyes of Men

Druig x Plus Size!Fem!Reader | Fluff

Summary: You didn't care what men thought of you, you were an eternal. You never valued their opinion...except Druig's.

WC: 953

A/N: Thank you for requesting @sebastianstanisararebreed <3 I hope you like this! I really wanted a story to reflect us as confident people, I don't see ourselves represented a lot like that in fanfics.

Warnings: Slight negative self-thoughts

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

From the moment you stepped off the Domo, you never felt inferior to your fellow Eternals. Sure, you didn't run as fast and your thighs rubbed until they burned sometimes, but you were just as strong and capable. Insecurities were a human concept you didn't want to partake in.

You were bringing body positivity all the way to Babylon. The men didn't fawn over you like they did Thena and Sersi. And you were fine with that, they did nothing for you. You loved who you were and the way you look like, you were beautiful.

"Dear shouldn't you eat an apple instead?" one of the older women asked you during one of the massive parties. You took the small block of cheese and placed it in your mouth "No," you said simply, your eyes locking with hers, you didn't miss a beat. Gathering your shiny purple dress you walked away leaving her in shock.

You were fine until you caught sight of Druig, the brooding eternal who was surrounded by women much thinner than you by the fire. He was smiling and leaning in to flirt with them. Their hands were desperate to touch them, but when they got too close their eyes would glow with gold and they would remove their hands from his body. Your confident gaze faltered for a moment as you watched him, if only you were the one he was flirting with. You loved him, plain as day.

"What's your issue?" Sprite questions with annoyance, appearing at your side. Her eyes turn to Druig and it made sense "Oh...him. Don't you ever wish for a guy to see you like Druig see's them?"

You scowl and look down at her, your shadow engulfing the bold little girl "I don't see myself with the eyes of a man," you told her coldly, roughly bumping her shoulder and you walked away.

It was the only time you cursed Arishem for making you this way, you couldn't change it. Maybe you weren't destined to find someone like Thena found Gilgamesh and Ikaris found Sersi. You wanted to be ok with it, but your thoughts always brought you back to the dark-haired boy with a sly smile.

Plucking a deep red apple from one of the countless tables, you sat in the quietest corner you could find on top of a stack of hay. There was a shiny platter propped up by the pillar in front of you. Your e/c eyes flickered up at it 'what does he think of me?' you think sadly, 'you take up more space in the mirror.'

"Be careful, your face might freeze that way," Druig joked, bringing you out of your thoughts. Leaning back on the cold wall you smile up at him, masking your feelings for him.

"So they let you out of their grasps?" You ask him, watching as he sat next to you. His hand reaches for you and takes the apple out of your palm, taking a huge bite.

"Not like I wanted to be there, " he grumbled through his chewing.

Your eyes squint "You didn't? Any man would."

He chuckles and leans back next to you, shoulders brushing. You could smell the masculine fragrance Ikaris insisted he put on, it suited him. "I'm not any man, you know that," he reminded you, gently nudging the shoulder he was leaning up against.

"Well don't you think all men would want to surround themselves with beautiful women like that?" You gather your dress and stand up, facing away from him to look at the dark horizon.

Druig rubs his head facial expression contorted with confusion "Y/N, since when did you care about what men want?" You shake your head and wrap your arms around yourself, since when were they so squishy? Had they always been like that? You immediately took off and drop them to your sides.

"I don't-" you falter, "I don't care about what they want, you know that."

He stands, feeling this, you take a few steps forward to distance yourself "Then... what do you want?"

You take in a deep breath, dust and smoke mixed in with fresh air enter your lungs "What do you think of me, Druig?"

He blinks, taken aback by your question "Why do want the opinion of a man?"

You sigh and bite the inside of your cheek "Not just of any man.. I just want yours." Maybe if he told you he wasn't attracted to you or he didn't see you the way Ikaris saw Sersi it would set your mind back on track. If he told you he wanted a thin woman who could keep up with him. You didn't need his opinion, but you craved it.

"My beautiful, beautiful Y/N," he starts softly, taking silent steps closer to you "I have never met a woman as beautiful as you, you are perfect by design." His hand touches your arm, you tried to fight off the feeling of self-consciousness. You had always imagined him touching you, in your head, it made your skin crawl to have a perfect man touch your imperfections. He let his hand trail down farther until his hand was in yours, intertwining your fingers with his.

Turning you around to face him, he stands over you, ocean blue eyes bearing into yours "I'm not lying...I can read your thoughts."

"I hate when you do that," you let out a whispered laugh. He leans forward, letting his forehead touch yours, his ears are so close he could probably hear your heartbeat thump against your chest.

"If you haven't guessed, my darling," he whispers, letting his nose brush against yours, raising your lips to meet his own, "I love you, for who you are and what you look like."

[nsheetee]

prince’s order

Pairing: prince!haechan x reader Genre: modern royal au, fluff, suggestive  Word Count: 1.6k Details: reader is recovering from fainting, a lil bit of making out :) Summary: prince haechan nurses you after you faint, and orders you to stay with him until you feel better

a/n: this was inspired by “the king: eternal monarch,” if you love k-dramas I highly suggest watching it!

when you open your eyes, you have to take a moment to absorb your surroundings

the gold details on the ceiling throw you off— this is definitely not your bedroom or a hospital

the insanely soft comforter on top of you weights you down nicely and almost lulls you back to sleep, along with the several silk pillows surrounding your head

you attempt to sit up but you feel dizzy, like your head has been replaced with a bobblehead, and your shoulders ache with every movement you make

groaning, you gently lay down into your original position

turning your head, you see a nightstand on the right side of the bed, some circular glasses resting there and a particular prince’s favorite gold watch next to it

of course, you’re in prince haechan’s room

you relax now that you know you’re safe, but your head lifts up to look at the door when it opens

prince haechan walks in and kicks the french doors closed behind him with his foot, walking across his large bedroom and setting the tray he was holding in his hands onto the nightstand

“oh good, you’re up. how are you feeling?” he sits on the bed next to you and leans down to your level, placing his lips against your forehead while his large hand against the side of your head keeps you from moving

you feel warm at his affection, relaxing into his bed once again

“you don’t feel hot... are you dizzy?” he asks while turning to the teapot and teabags he brought with him

“yeah...”

something about this doesn’t feel right... shouldn’t you be the one fixing the tea? 

that is your job anyway; to assist the royal family around the palace in anyway they need

so why are the roles reversed right now?

“It’s okay, I can do it” you attempt to sit up and take the tea cups out of prince haechan’s hands but he moves away from you, making you reach out in an attempt to grab them

you frown when he keeps moving away, but he only laughs at your small pout and how you attempt to move faster than him to reach the cups

you sit up to get closer, but the dizziness comes back and you clutch your head instead, closing your eyes as you try to not tip over

“woah, woah—” you hear the prince throw down the cups, they rattle against the fine gold of the tray, and he catches the back of your head with one hand while the other sets up pillows behind you so that you can stay sitting up without your head against the hard headboard

“what happened?” you ask after the dizzy spell passes and you open your eyes, the worry in haechan’s facial expression subsiding a bit as he goes to open some tea bags

“I was hoping you could tell me,” his tone is somewhere between nagging and worried, “the house ladies said you went into the garden at sunrise and they found you passed out there earlier. what were you doing?”

at the story, you suddenly remember the task the princess, haechan’s younger sister, gave you the day before

she wanted 1,000 roses for her room and refused to get them delivered from a flower shop

she wanted them from the palace garden, and she wanted you to pick them all

you knew the request was absolutely ridiculous, but there was no way you could say no without losing your livelihood, or even your life, since the princess knows about your and haechan’s relationship

the moment you stepped into the palace to work for the royal family, haechan has kept you by his side 

everything from fixing his clothes in the morning to running tasks for him, cleaning up his office, and bringing him his favorite tea or coffee when he’s busy

you thought he just preferred one person to do everything for him rather than several, and you just happened to be the person he picked

but one late night in his office proved different

sometimes you still think about the way his hands held your waist when he pressed you up against his desk and kissed you for the first time

how soft his lips were when he moved them against yours like he was singing a gentle love song, how his teeth nibbled along your lips so gently, how soft his hair was when you ran your fingers through the strands

moments with haechan became more precious once you both started to develop feelings for each other

and haechan’s younger sister knew all about it, apparently 

“I was just.... completing a task for your sister...” you answer his question

“she made you go out there... in the middle of summer... to pick flowers?” he asks, you can see his jaw tightening with anger

“yes,” he rolls his eyes immediately and turns away from you, but you can still sense his anger building up, “please don’t do anything. she knows about us, and you know how unpredictable she is.” 

haechan doesn’t answer, his eyes on the tea cups before him as he pours water in, but his focus is somewhere else

you take the time to look over his attire

he has some nice slacks and a button up shirt on, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the top few buttons undone to reveal the necklace the king, his father, gave him when he was younger

his once nicely done hair is a bit disheveled, no doubt from continuously running his hands through it

his appearance reminds you of where he was supposed to be today and why you couldn’t be with him

“so... how was the opening?” you change the subject, now wondering about the new hospital that the royal family recently funded

“It was boring. I rode in a car for 3 hours just to take some pictures and cut a ribbon with big scissors.” haechan passively replies as he dips the tea bags in and out of the hot water

his anger dissolves when he hears you laugh, your eyes crinkling in his favorite way as you clutch your stomach— a habit of yours when you laugh

he smiles gently, scooting closer to you as his arm finds a spot on the other side of your hips and he balances his weight over your lap

“but it’s for a good cause... that hospital is going to help lots of people in the country who can’t get to a hospital in the city fast enough” he explains and his other hand takes yours and plays with it, sliding his fingers in between yours

“which makes me wonder... why am I in your bed and not in the emergency room?” you tilt your head and lean your back off of the cushions behind you to be closer to the prince

“I might have asked the family doctor to look at you.” he hums, looking over your face

“why?”

“because I care about you.”

“can’t you care about me in a hospital?”

“hey,” he tsks and suddenly gives you a look of faux irritation, “be grateful you’re being treated by one of the best doctors in the nation.”

“I fainted because I was in the sun for too long. I’m fine.” you stress your last words and squeeze his hand

“still...” prince haechan bends his head down to kiss the top of your ring finger, “I want you to be next to me at all times, so you’re going to stay here. that’s an order.”

the way he gives you the order sounds so soft and light hearted, yet you know he’s being completely serious

the stern look in his eyes can’t be hidden by his kisses or his words

“and what if I don’t want to?” you egg him on, giggling when he lifts his head to glare at you

“you know I can behead people who don’t follow orders, right? that’s one of the many perks of the title.” he raises an eyebrow

you tilt your head up to look at the ceiling, leaving your whole neck exposed to him, “go ahead” you joke

haechan stares at the expanse of your neck, suddenly not feeling like joking anymore

without a second thought, he leans in and places a hot kiss against your skin, right on the part of your neck he knows will get a reaction out of you

the sudden feeling of his lips surprises you, and you gasp as you snap your head back to look at him

haechan can’t help but give you a proud smile when he sees the shudder that shakes your shoulders

your mouth is slightly open as you stare at him, stunned and jittery about the feeling of his lips on your neck

haechan doesn’t waste another second before leaning towards you again and placing more kisses along your neck

this time, you tilt your head back to give him better access while one of your hands rests on his shoulders and the other goes to his hair

when his lips reach your collarbone, he bites down gently and squeezes your waist, rising a small moan out of you 

you hear him kick off his shoes before moving further onto the bed as he works his way up your neck again, his tongue making an entrance 

every once in a while, he blows cool air onto your tender skin and it makes you grip onto the golden strands of his hair

when he reaches your ear again he stops and glances at your face, eyes closed in bliss and your lip caught between your teeth 

“I said, that’s an order. don’t make me repeat myself again.” he says in a low voice next to your ear

if haechan keeps treating you like this, you don’t think you’ll be going against his orders any time soon

[softcallofdutyimagines]

Hello!! Can we have an couple of HCs of the safehouse bois (COD: Cold War) loving their curvy fem s/o? (and maybe trying to make her feel happy in her body if she's insecure of feels weird?)

Thankie and sorry for the oddly specific request 😅

Djsjsjsj ok ik you have like two other requests, and they'll be coming!!! But this struck such a mood I had to skip the line lol.

Honestly, like the way I tried to treat myself to some ✨ s p i c e y ✨ lingerie that just arrived and it fits literally everywhere else except that, ofc the cup size is an absolute JOKE, i-

Anyway, I digress lmao. Thank you for the request(s) btw, and enjoy!!!

---

Adler

Personally, he doesn't strike me as the kind of guy to have a particularly strong preference for any one "type"

But in the era where the super tall, super slim, super models reign supreme, he understands that sometimes it's hard to feel pretty if you're built like anything else

After all, I don't think any of the guys know how it feels to see yourself as "unattractive" more then he does

I mean, if he'd been cut a little deeper or on a different angle, he could've needed whole skin grafts, or even physical therapy for his jaw

And who wants a guy as messed up and broken down as that, right?

But you... Oh, you're gorgeous

Adler is very soft and gentle when it comes to his appreciation for you and your body

While he does know how to express himself, he's not really the grand gesture type, like some of the others are

He is the biggest self love hypocrite, always quick to get down on himself and his facial scars, but absolutely cannot STAND to see you upset over you body

You chide him for this now and then, but he usually jokes it away

I know I said Adler doesn't really have a type, but don't think for a second that he'd pass up on a great thing when he gets it

I don't want to say "handsy" but he definitely likes to just... Touch you, when you're alone together

Not even necissarily in a sexual way, he just likes to appreciate the shape of you, you know?

Very into hugs from behind, or really at any angle, as long as he gets to feel his arms around your waist

Also, you can catch him absent mindedly caressing your hips with his knuckles or a lone finger whenever he's standing around with you

Hudson

Oh y'all ain't ready for this one lmao

I am 99% certain that behind that steely facade, is a man who loves nothing more then a THICC juicy Queen™

I'm so serious, like the curvier the better for this dirty dog lmao

The best part is, that the fun isn't in that he just goes feral when you two are alone (although he certainly could, in a rare mood)

He's actually really shy about it, and he doesn't want you to feel like that's the only reason he loves you

And while you do appreciate the respect he has for you, you'd be lying if you said you didn't like to tease him

A favorite of yours is to walk into his home office half or fully naked and watch him, very obviously, struggle to stay focused on his paper work

He knows he's weak, but damn it he can never last long before giving in and handing over whatever kind of attention you're seeking

You know, whatever that may be 😏

When you're feeling insecure however, he can sense it immediately and always seeks to get to the bottom of whatever is causing you to feel that way

Although he's rather direct, he's tactful and tries his best to know the right thing to say

He's a great listener, and will never hesitate to tell you how beautiful and special you are to him

Lazar

Lmao, I don't think there is any universe in which Lazar would not be in full support of being with a curvy woman

Especially as a big guy himself, you two are an absolute power couple

He is both literally and metaphorically your biggest hype man when it comes to your appearance

Also, 10/10 likes to give you gifts of clothes and the like that he thinks you might appreciate/look pretty darn good in

Honestly, it is rare to feel down about your body when in a relationship with him, but everyone gets insecure sometimes, and he gets that

Thankfully, he's a master comforter, and is always at the ready to give you the treatment you need to feel better

Typically you can expect snacks and cuddles if you're just feeling sad, and stuff like a massage or body kisses and so forth if you need a reminder that you're literally the most gorgeous woman on earth

Oh, and he's very protective of you and defensive of your looks

I kind of hate to use this terminology lmao, but Lazar is the Alpha™ everywhere he goes, and he has no problem reminding other guys of it

So if he sees someome else checking you out, he'll be sure to block their view and do something like make direct eye contact until they leave you be

Have you ever had a 6'4, powerlifter looking, tank of a man sneer directly at you before?

Not a good feeling, I assure you

Needless to say, you don't have to put up with much, if any harassment or other stupidity on Lazar's watch

Mason

Alex strikes me as the type who doesn't buy into the paper thin beauty standard that society like to push

Obviously that's great if you're just naturally thin and all! But mostly he's totally down for the curvy, "built like a brick house" type of woman

He appreciates the way that you can keep up with him when he has to do physical things around or outside the house

Alaska is a rather unforgiving place after all, so he finds great comfort in the support and companionship you have to offer him

You're like his little amazonian goddess, and he's always in awe of not only how unbelievably beautiful you are, but also how hardy and tough you can be

In fact, you and your body are so normalized and loved by him in his mind that it genuinely catches him off guard when you say you're feeling insecure about it

But in times like that, he loves to tell you how beautiful your body is, not just for the way it looks but for the things it can do

You're built so strong and tough, but also soft and feminine... he can't even think about being with anyone else

He's very into body worship, like Lazar is, but Alex is a lot more gentle and is extremely conscious of making sure you're alright as he goes along kissing and caressing

If he could only show you how beautiful you are to him, he would in a heartbeat, but for now he just hopes his words and actions are enough

Sims

Oh, you already know Sims loves a thicc, curvy snack of a woman lmao

Skinny guys always love the curvy ladies

He doesn't really go feral when you two are alone, but he's not exactly shy about having this hands all over you either

For sure he always greets you with a compliment, whether it be a look, a whistle, or words... he's prepared

Also, he's very vocal in having you understand that there is not a single outfit you look "bad" or "unflattering" in, even if it's just sweats and a t-shirt

In fact, he is so confident in you, that he loves to show you off when he can and if you're comfortable

Always introduces you as "his girl" and is never afraid to point out your new outfit, hair-do, nails, ect

I feel that Lawrence would be another case where it's quite rare indeed to feel insecure about your body, and so when such times do arise he takes it seriously

He's basically a gentler, more emotional version of Hudson

By that I mean, he's the type to want to talk it out (if you're up to it) and ask what's wrong or if someone said something to you

You'll always have a reliable listener and food advice giver in him, and somehow that seems to always do the trick

Woods

Honestly, Woods is Hudson part 2, except that he has all the vocalized pride of loving curvy women as Sims and Lazar

He's still careful to make sure he doesn't come off as a creep or something, mind you, but complimenting and loving on your body just comes naturally to him

Extremely handsy in private, and you've definitely swatted his hands away from your hips, waist, back, ect more then once

In public, I wouldn't exactly say "handsy" but he's determined to make sure everyone knows you're with him

He usually escorts you places with a hand gently placed either just above your tailbone or protectively wrapped around your waist

As independent as you may be, you must admit, it's nice to feel like a princess everywhere you go, escorted around by your knight in shining flannel

He'll even offer you his arm if he's feeling particularly gentlemanly, because yes, miracles can happen

Unfortunately, Frank is probably the worst wordsmith of all the gang, and is next to clueless on what to say if you're feeling down and insecure

At least to his credit he'll usually start off by admitting to that fact before giving it a try

"Well, you know I'm shit with words, but... I hope you also know that I love you the way you are"

Thankfully what he lacks in words, he makes up for in physical affection

Even if you're really only comfortable with some cuddling, he's gonna cuddle you so good!!! He's determined and will stop at nothing

After all, whatever it takes to make you feel every bit as amazing as he knows you are

[impala1967dwinchester]

Sam Winchester: Out of the closet

Pride Collection 2021 June 5th

Pairing: AU! Sam W. x Sister!Reader

Pov: Y/n

Warnings: Coming out, support from a family member. Mentions of Dean and John.

Summary: Finally feeling comfortable you tell Sam your biggest secret, but you think NO you know he can handle it seeing as he is your big brother.

Word Count: 1.4k

A/N- Bisexual, @firefly-graphics for the bisexual dividers Supposed to be posted on the 5th of June, but was unfortunately postponed to the 6th of June

Sam Winchester Master List

Main Master List

Pride Collection Master List 2021

Today is the day that I'm going to tell Sam my most important secret.

I've had this secret for years now. It started my last year in high school, and with Sam being the older brother is, when he left for college he took me with him.

Anyways, He got me set up in an apartment, he came and visited me every other day. Going to class, and just being normal was nice, and it lasted for a while.

There was a party for the seniors that year. I toyed with the idea of dressing up and going out or just stayin' home and studying. I was very much Sammy when it came to my schooling. Something that I'd just learned from him over the years.

I just made a choice deciding that one night of partying wouldn't hurt me or my schooling. So I dressed up in a short red dress, black flats, and the only thing I had taken with me before leaving Dean and John.

Slipping into a black jacket that was a size too big, but smelled like my older brother Dean. I grabbed my keys and left. I had never gone to a party if you don't include the father-daughter dance that John half-ass took me to the Sam ended up having to save me from. Or the random school dances that I had.

Showing up to this party everyone's eyes were on me. It was a weird sensation to be stared at but in a sorta good way. In a way that made me wonder.

Very quickly I had a few guys surrounding me, their actions were pointless as I ignored them, and I left them to discuss between themselves. One good thing that John has taught me was not to take shit from anyone, I think he forgot that also meant him.

But regardless of that, I went to go see if I could find a few friends. I was met with a beautiful woman, her long legs covered in jeans with thigh-laced-up boots and a relieving t-shirt.

It didn't click then, or later on when I was tapped on the shoulder by a taller version of the woman. He had short blonde hair, dressed like every other jock, but the immediate feeling, sense I got from him was nothing but lust.

Now it's been seven years, seven years for me to try out things with many different people, and figuring myself out along the way. I've come to the conclusion that I don't just like the men that serve me coffee in the morning, or the women that I do yoga with.

Sam's older now, just by a year his beautiful wife and his kids, live in a small starter home at the end of our quiet town. Sam's wife has always taken a liking to me. And their kiddos call me Auntie.

It all around a great part of my life to be around my family. To be around so much love and admiration for each other. But the fear of saying the truth, the fear of telling my older brother makes me worry.

Makes me worry that I'll spill the truth on a silver platter and be told I'm not worthy of that love and admiration that I crave to have, that I enjoy seeing.

Sometimes it floats around, I can see even if it for just a brief moment. I can it flutter around Sam's kids, or him and his wife the way they share just a longing happy look for each other.

"I hate to bother you two live birds, but I was wondering if I could take the kiddos out for ice cream?" I ask Sammy, he smiles and says "Sure just be careful. Love ya." I gather their two kids up and well chase each other to my car.

In moments like this, I sometimes wish I already had kids. I also wish that their uncle and grandfather could be here to see them grow and flourish into strong men and strong women.

But regardless, we listen and sing along to a special playlist that we made together. Just a thing for the three of us to enjoy. "Auntie, play our songs please!"

Sam's youngest says her politeness reminds me of him. "Yeah, Auntie you gotta play our songs and sing along with us this time!" Sams oldest screams, he looks like Sam, but in reality, has the personality and swagger of Sam's wife.

We make it to our favorite ice cream place. They always get the same things, no matter the time of the season. "You two outta try something different," I say to them, they give me a look of 'How dare you to tell me to get something different.' I giggle, and we walk out to the shop.

Getting the kiddos back, and in bed was a task. They gave their kisses to me, and then to Sam. Their mother takes them to bed, so nows it's just my brother and me. "Good night pumpkins, Auntie loves you," I say Watching the two of them holding their hands and walk down the hallway.

There's no better time to tell him.

"Hey, are you okay Y/n?" Sam asks an almost empty beer in his hand. He's sitting across from me at the dinner table. I'm in my own thoughts, I'm brought back when I feel Sam's socked foot hit the bottom of my foot.

"Yeah, you could say that I'm okay," I say back, I'm starting to worry about what he might say, maybe I shouldn't say anything.

"Look, I'm your older brother, I know when somethin' is bothering you," Sam says with a hopeful look. I frown, I might as well say the truth, that's something that Sam and I promised each other when we left Dean and John.

"Nothing is bothering me, Sammy, I just need to say something to you and I don't know how to phrase it." He puts his beer down and get's up grabbing my hand and taking me outside.

He'd always done this with me when we were younger. Dragging me to the open yard, he plopped down to the grass and drug me with him. He'd tell me when I was young, to look up in the sky and feel the earth below me. To let go of worries, and be calm be thoughtful.

"Sam, what are we doing out here? We aren't kids anymore." I said closing my eyes. "Y/n just please, do this for me. Maybe you'll figure out a way to phrase your thoughts." He said

I thought as he told me to do. It was nice to feel everything around me and not so much worry about things. "Are you better now Y/n?" Sam asked, I opened my eyes and smiled.

"A little yeah," I said, I might as well just say it, let it be in the open. Regardless of what Sam may think, or even say I'm just going to go for it. That's at least one major thing, Sammy, as taught me over the years.

"Sammy.. I've thought long and hard about telling you and even saying this out loud, but I'm bisexual," I said getting up and looking at my older brother.

He'd yet to give me a reaction, no change in his facial expression, no words yet spoken. It was just quiet, the weird unsettling silence, that gives me anxiety. Makes me worry that the sweet moment between a brother and his sister will forever be lost, that I'll never get to see my nephew and niece again.

But before I know it I'm encased in Sam's overbearing arms, he's hugging me tightly, reassuring me that he loves me, tell me that he proud of me. Everything thought that I had was wrong. He's my brother, after all, he knows me better than anyone.

"Can I ask a question, peanut?" He said, using a nickname he'd used many years ago. We were still hugging, I hummed. "Am I the first person you've officially told?" Sam asked.

I thought a minute, my partners that I'd been with hadn't really known, so yeah Sam was the first to know. "Yeah, I think you are Sammy," I said holding on tight to his hug.

"I just want you to know that I love you, and I'm always here for you peanut. Why don't you and I go out for the weekend tomorrow? Spend some quality time together?!" He asked. I smiled and hummed.

There was nothing better than being excepted and loved. Not only that but it also felt like a thousand-pound rock had been lifted from my shoulders by telling Sam.

Completed on: 06/05/2021

Posted on: 06/06/2021

Tag List: @sweetdetectivequeen @wonderfulworldofwinchester @hobby27 @fofisstilinski @doctorlilo

[ceramicdove]

HI DOVE! i was painting what do u think is the most beautiful aspect of the face? doesnt have to be physically beautiful!

but also im thinking sm abt ocean metaphors ooh the distance ooh the unfathomable thats within our reach ooooh the lack of control... was reading regen fro school and like wow society. thinking a lot about how people are restricted by institutions and values of their society hmm! do u think we still like, are restricted by those things?

LAB HELLO LAAAB I am late to this, pardon me! I'll try to answer this as promptly and as succinctly as I can, except that "promptly" and "succinctly" by Dove Standards is still a lot of text even if I don't talk about anything particularly profound or below surface level, so I'll be cutting this off!

Since you mentioned painting, I'm going to go based on what I tend to find the most interesting to represent in art, and in that case I find there's usually a tie between eyes and noses for me!

I don't think eyes have to be explained much, "the window to the soul" etcetera et al, but it certainly is true. When it comes to my art, I actually do not have a well-developed sense of facial stylization, especially when it comes to eyes. I just don't have a very consistent way of drawing, and that much becomes painfully clear if you look at a lot of my pieces combined. So I find myself re-drawing eyes a lot from scratch, and it makes me realise just how much any small difference can add characterisation in a new and unprecedented way, whether it be the shape or angle or eyelashes or the slightest squint or scrunch of them. I play a lot with that, and though it can get frustrating when I just can't get the right effect, it is a fascinating experiment in its own way. Sometimes, for fun, I try to test myself by trying to design & draw a set of characters only by their eyes.

Noses in art! I am definitely biased because I have a pretty distinct and large hooked nose that I severely struggled to accept growing up; I ended up realising that if I had a more typical, smaller, ski-sloped or button nose, I wouldn't look at all like myself anymore. It's definitely a strong and prominent feature, love it or hate it, but that's exactly why I essentially realised that it suits me & my personality. So that lead me to experimenting way more with different types of noses, different bridges and sizes, and trying to see how they mend with various features in character design. I find it really beautiful!

I LOVE HOW YOU DESCRIBED THE OCEAN METAPHORS HAHAHAH but it struck me! It reminded me of how I've always felt very drawn to water, especially when I was younger. Though I never knew exactly how to feel about the ocean... it's still beautiful, but something about its vastness felt unsettling to me at times. I could interpret that sense of uneasiness in many different ways, but I won't, to spare you that headache. My last trip was almost one year ago, here is a little photo from that time.

"Wow society" indeed! I think we are, unfortunately, very much restricted by both of those things in many ways, shapes, and forms, and it takes naiveté and privilege (though they intersect almost inherently in many cases) to be able to say otherwise. If we weren't restricted, I would be living a very, very different life under a very different form of self-expression... but sometimes it hurts to think about that. We have all sacrificed many pieces of ourselves under that circumstance. I'm particularly interested by how restrictions manifest in different ways under more specifically cultural & familial or hereditary means, and how they end up contradicting each other. But that is a very convoluted topic!

You always ask very interesting questions, and I appreciate it greatly! Thank you greatly for taking the time to send me your thoughts :-]

[insfiringyou]

BTS - A Chance Meeting (V & Ara)

Contains: Slight angst

*Alert for potential spoilers for fics not yet written in Jimin x Ara’s storyline*

Ara notices Taehyung sat alone in a quiet cafe and decides to stop by. 

You can find out more about our headcanon universe and ongoing storyline here and more about our headcanon girlfriends here.

To read each member & their girlfriend’s headcanon universe fics in order, follow the links here: RM   /   Jin /   Suga /   J-Hope   /   Jimin   /   V   /   Jungkook & our full masterlist of fanart and fanfictions can be found here

If you wish to follow all member’s storylines in chronological order from the beginning, you can find them listed here.

Content below the cut

Ara hesitated, before tapping lightly on the single-pane glass with her fingernails. She didn’t want to draw too much attention but was unable to stop herself from knocking. It was a surprise to see him after so long and she had double-taken in the street. His hair was a little longer, but that was expected. The last time he had just returned from the military and his short, closely-cropped cut made him seem more somber; years older than he was. Now it was back to a length she found more familiar but the dark, wispy suggestion of facial hair on his upper lip was new. He seemed lost in thought, sat in the back of the cafe with a small cup clutched between his fingers, staring into space. Despite her being gentle, the sound seemed to startle him and he looked up. Ara gave a tentative wave, hoping he recognised her. 

She tucked her fringe behind her ear, watching him pause before he raised his hand slightly in acknowledgement. Her bleached strands felt unfamiliar as she brushed the neck of her hair; the short, pixie cut still freshly blow-dried from the hairdressers that morning. She had asked Da-eun to do it for her but the young woman had refused, thinking she might get into some kind of trouble for it. Ara understood, after all, she had not yet spoken to her manager about a change in style.

Taking the plunge, she tucked her black purse beneath her armpit and walked around the corner to the entrance; the soft tinkle of a bell above the door signalling her arrival. She could not read Taehyung’s expression as she approached his table at the back of the small space but hoped she was not intruding. He was sat snugly behind a column which, luckily, seemed private. The cafe only had a small handful of customers but she looked around cautiously before joining in. 

“Hi…” She beamed, keeping her voice low. “I haven’t seen you in ages. How are you?”

He nodded, meeting her gaze. “I’m good.” His tone gave nothing away, but after a moment he gestured to the spare chair opposite. “Do you want to sit down?”

She slid onto the seat automatically. “I can’t stay for long. I’ve got an appointment.”

He blinked a few times. “You’ve cut your hair.”

Her replying smile was bashful as her fingers moved in response to her fringe which had once more come untucked. “It was too warm in the heat. It’s much easier to maintain now.”

“It suits you.” He said coolly. 

There was a long pause between them, though it wasn’t awkward. She had grown used to these drawn-out silences, from the time he temporarily took lodge in her and Jimin’s apartment and when her boyfriend had left for the military. It would have been a lie to say she had gotten a lot from his company. He always seemed absorbed in his books as well as his thoughts, but there always seemed to be something he was holding back; an aura of mystery she couldn’t quite place and at odds with Jimin’s usual openness. But Taehyung was tidy enough and greeted her when she came home, so she hadn’t minded having him around. 

She found herself wondering what she could say to him. It seemed polite to stop and talk, but this chance meeting now reminded her how little she knew about his life now. Eventually, she spoke. “How’s the baby?”

The corner of his lips twitched in a vague smile. “Toddling.”

Ara was silent for a moment, only just realising it had been longer since she had seen him than she initially thought. “How old is he now?” She asked, voice open and inquisitive. 

He took a sip of tea; it’s aroma fragrant in the small space. She tried to read the label on the tag but couldn’t make it out. “Almost two.”

Her eyebrows raised in disbelief. “I can’t believe it’s been so long. I keep meaning to go and see Cassandra, but I wasn’t sure where she was now. Is she still in Seoul?” 

Taehyung nodded, putting down his cup. It made a soft, strangely comforting sound against the china saucer. “She’s in Gangnam. Do you have her number?”

She thought for a moment, before nodding with a frown. “If she hasn’t changed it. She was kind of hard to get hold of for a while.”

“Gabriel had colic.” He replied with a shrug, as though that explained the years of absence. Ara thought the explanation a little odd, but did not comment. 

“Did you choose the name?” She asked. 

“It just seemed right.” He quickly murmured, not entirely answering the question. Ara thought the reply seemed rehearsed, as though he had answered it many times. She wondered if his family had commented on it and whether he felt the need to defend the decision. Jimin had not spoken much about Taehyung’s family, and she herself had never heard them mentioned in conversation. All of a sudden she found herself hoping they had been supportive; not just for his sake but for Cassandra, whom she had known for so long. 

Ara forced the thought away. “I bet it sounds lovely when she says it. Cassandra always had the most wonderful voice.”

Taehyung looked up from his tea cup. “She still does.”

Her mouth opened, forming an ‘oh’, thinking she might have gotten it all wrong. Or maybe things had changed in the past two years. She approached the topic tentatively. “Are you two…?”

“No.” He confirmed. “But we make it work.” He quickly added.

Ara settled back in her chair; understanding. She gave a soft smile which she hoped didn’t come across as patronising. “I can tell you care about her a lot.”

“She’s the mother of my child, Ara.” He said quietly.

She sensed the sadness in his voice; a longing he couldn’t quite put into words and she nodded. “Of course.” She changed the subject lightly, seeing there was nothing else she could say on the matter of her old friend. “You should get in touch with Jimin. I know he wants to see you.”

He appeared to wince a little but recovered well. She almost hadn’t noticed. “You can tell him he’s welcome any time he wants. He knows where I live.” He murmured. 

Ara fell silent, realising he didn’t yet know. “You really haven’t seen him in a while have you?” She asked, before pressing on. “We broke up.”

He met her eyes across the table and she saw the shock in his expression. “When?”

“A few months ago.”

Taehyung was quiet, pensive, before he asked. “Was it mutual?”

She smiled sadly. “I think he needed it too. We still speak sometimes.”

The man opposite nodded in confirmation. “That’s good.”

Ara watched as he leaned forward to pick up the cup, looking downwards as he took the last few sips. She realised how lonely he looked; how the times she had come home to find him seemingly preoccupied masked the fact he didn’t seem to have anyone. His fans, she remembered, always thought him something of an enigma. She wondered now if that was truly it. 

“Have you thought about dating again?” She suggested, making sure to keep her voice down low, should anyone else hear. 

He didn’t look up from his cup. “Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know…” She trailed off, figuring out how best to word it. “Being in a relationship seemed to suit you.” She shrugged. It seemed silly now she said it out loud. “As far as I could tell anyway.”

“Cass has moved on.” He murmured, frankly.

Ara hesitated. “I meant with someone else.”

Taehyung’s eyes snapped up, meeting hers purposefully and she let out an unexpected giggle. 

“I didn’t mean me.” She confirmed, shaking her head. It felt strange without the usual brush of hair against her shoulders. She settled down, her laughter subsiding, and gave a long, dramatic groan, anticipating how pathetic she must sound. “I’m still trying to find myself.”

He looked back at the table, picking up a napkin and twisting it absently between his long fingers. “I don’t think I could have that again.” 

“You never know.” She easily dismissed.

His brows knitted together, creating deep, frustrated grooves in his forehead as he mumbled, glumly. “Maybe some people are only meant to be with one person.” 

Ara raised a questioning eyebrow. “You never dated anyone before Cassandra?”

Taehyung looked up once more, answering quickly. “That was different.” He sharply declared. “I was young.”

“You’re still young.” She said, deliberately gently, seeing he was hurt.

He grew quiet and shuffled uncomfortably in his chair. Ara feared she might have crossed the line and she tightened her grip on her purse, getting ready to leave before he suddenly spoke. “I wouldn’t even know where to meet someone.”

Her hands stilled and she relaxed. “Well…” She held out the palms of her hands. “What do you like?”

He met her gaze. “In a girl?” 

She shrugged. “Or a guy.”

Half-expecting him to question this, he surprised her by remaining silent, meditative; thinking deeply. She wondered if he knew about her. Perhaps Jimin had told him. 

“Someone sweet.” He eventually said. “Someone kind.”

Her lips curled, simpering. “Is that all?”

“I’m not that picky.” He stated. 

She couldn’t help but scoff. “You dated the most European girl in Seoul.”

“She’s only half European.” He contended, entirely missing the point. 

“You know what I mean...” Ara shook her head with a grin and sitting back, she reflected for a moment. “What about looks?”

“Personality is more important.” 

“You must have a preference?” She challenged, suddenly curious. 

Once again he fell silent and Ara found herself a little impressed at how seriously he was taking this. “Dark eyes...soft and sweet.”

“The kind of girl you’d bring home?” She questioned with a smirk. 

“Someone I could marry.” He stated, a little dreamily.

Ara nodded, amused. He sounded strangely serious. “I know just the girl.” She teased, an idea already forming in her mind. 

He looked at her; eyelashes heavy, giving him a sleepy look “How about you?”

She stretched in her seat, realising she hadn’t thought about it much before and was surprised he asked. Smiling to herself, she blushed. “Smooth skin. Nice lips.” She giggled in embarrassment, adding: “No stubble.”

“So Jimin?” He challenged. 

The corners of her lips turned up and she looked away, unable to help the way her heart still skipped a little at his name. “I don’t know…” She admitted, drifting off and watching from the corner of her eye as he reached into his pocket, searching for his wallet. She took the opportunity to flick through her phone, typing a name and bringing up a familiar social media account. She swiped through the pictures with her manicured thumb before finding one which showed the girl in question at a good angle. It was taken at a company event, and the dress she wore was uncharacteristically short. The other girls on the make up team had talked her into wearing it but Ara saw the way she had tugged on it incessantly all night, trying to cover her pale knees with the frilled hem. 

“What about her?” Ara held out the screen, showing him. 

Taehyung squinted at the picture. “Do you know her?”  

“She’s my stylist.” She confirmed before tucking the phone back in her purse and closing the magnetic clasp. “You’d like her, she’s sweet...and single.” She added.

“What’s her name?” He asked casually. 

“Da-eun.”

She thought he was going to ask more, but instead changed the topic. “Are you going back on tour soon?”

“Once the new album’s out, we still have a lot of work to do. I’m meeting the producers this afternoon.” 

“That sounds good.” He murmured, sounding a little tired. She sensed the conversation was drawing to a close. 

“Are you working on anything?” She asked politely. 

“I was thinking about it.” The other man shrugged indifferently. 

“I’m sure your fans would really enjoy it.”

“I’d be doing it for me.” 

The steely tone of his reply took her aback a little and she found herself recalling the news headlines in the days following the birth. “Even so…” She drifted off weakly and checked her watch before drawing her chair away from the table. “I’d better be going.” She murmured apologetically, getting to her feet. “It was really nice bumping into you.”

His eyes followed her as she gathered her belongings and extended the strap on the purse across her shoulder. “You too. Take care.”

“I will.” She smiled, tucking the chair neatly beneath the table and turning to leave. 

“Ara?” He called softly and she spun back. He was silent for a few seconds but she waited patiently. “Your friend Da-eun…” He seemed a little embarrassed. “You can give her my number.” Another pause. “If you like.”

It took her by surprise but she nodded in agreement. “I will.” She confirmed, giving a gentle wave. “Goodbye Tae.”

***

Thank you for reading. To read each member & their girlfriend’s headcanon universe fics in order, follow the links here: RM   /   Jin /   Suga  /   J-Hope   /   Jimin   /   V   /   Jungkook

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[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X8

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

I freakin’ loved this episode! It was so so good! Which surprised me considering what they focused on. Based on the promo I knew that this would be DeLuca’s goodbye episode and so I expected to like the other parts of the episode we were shown in the promo such as Hayes talking to Meredith at her bedside, Richard’s storyline, and Derek’s return. However, I was not expecting to enjoy any part of DeLuca’s farewell storyline and I was pleasantly surprised. I think that’s because they focused on the effects of grief and guilt and how everyone processes those emotions differently.

It was a really interesting character study on how each person feels a loss in their own way. Despite not liking the character I actually found DeLuca’s memorial service quite moving. I think it was because they found a creative way to do it and because funerals in the real world like we normally do aren't possible right now. My grandfather died last summer and while he didn’t want a funeral my family and I weren’t able to get together to mourn his loss as we usually would and that’s been hard.

I wasn’t particularly close with my grandfather, but the loss of traditional grieving rituals in this time of COVID-19 has been frustrating. I liked that they found a creative way to have the characters mourn the loss of a fellow staff member. I expected to see Carina more, but as I understand it her storyline played out more on Station 19 which makes sense. I felt like they did a good job of showing the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) and how everyone experiences them differently.

Teddy and Owen displayed survivors' guilt and frustration that they did everything right and he still died. At the end we see Teddy in a catatonic state and it made me think that she might be sick with COVID herself or that there was something else wrong. While I've never been a Teddy and Owen shipper I did like the moment at the end where Owen noticed something was wrong and came over to her and told her that he would take her home and when she didn't respond he picked her up and carried her.

It reminded me of the Season 2 episode where Denny dies and Izzie refuses to leave his side so Alex picks her up and carries her over to a chair in her prom dress. Very different relationships, but a nice parallel in my opinion. This episode had a lot of those. Teddy seeing DeLuca in other people’s faces was freaky! I have to say that guy is way more interesting as a ghost then he ever was alive.  

I totally got Helm's reaction. I understand why she said and thought those horrible things about DeLuca. He was an ass for a really long time. I probably would have done the same thing myself, but that doesn't mean she wanted him dead. I thought what Maggie did for her was wonderful. My heart broke for Schmitt when he described his emotions. Richard was angry and Bailey went overboard trying to figure out what happened. Everyone's experience of a loss is different and I like that they showed that.

I’m glad that Richard told Bailey what she needed to hear. It was painful, but in trying to find an answer or a reason for what happened she was unintentionally hurting the people around her who were suffering too. The strength of Richard and Bailey's relationship is that they can tell each other the truth when no one else can or will. I loved his monologue to Catherine about trying to find a meaning in the puzzle of life and questioning his faith which is such a big part of his sobriety. James Pickens Jr. did a beautiful job in that scene.

Say what you want about Catherine, but I loved her response. Richard was trying to find meaning in the meaningless and in response she shared with him that her latest scans showed that the cancer hadn’t grown. Logically it should have, but it didn’t. Sometimes there are miracles and sometimes there are senseless deaths. Life is a puzzle. We don’t always understand it. That was exactly what Richard needed to hear in that moment.

On a more upbeat note, I loved the beach scenes this week! They were perfect! They were everything I dreamed of for my favourite characters and more! We got to see Derek and Meredith get closer and talk about the kids. When Meredith is heartbroken that Derek never got to meet Ellis or to know her he tells her all of these wonderful things about her. How she’s just like Meredith and makes it clear that he’s watching over them always.

He talks about Zola and how she writes to him in her journal and how Meredith taught her to ride a bike. I teared up! I've been waiting for them to discuss the kids and here it is! Hearing Derek talk about Ellis and knowing that he watches over Meredith and the kids was so emotional for me. I loved hearing him describe who she is and getting to learn more about her. I'm glad he encouraged her to go back. As much as Derek and Meredith miss each other she's needed back in the land of the living.

Her kids need her and so does everyone else. I loved Derek's gentle teasing. His facial expressions. And then there are her scenes with Hayes! God they were perfect! I've been waiting for this! I loved how Meredith kept joyfully asking him what he did to make Ellis smile so wide and laugh so loudly. She knows he can't hear her yet there she is dying to know what he said or did. The sound of her voice when she said that was everything for me. They already feel like a couple. So much in sync.

I love that Derek, who was shown to be extremely jealous in life, encouraged her to hear Hayes out. I really felt like he was giving her his blessing and the fact that they established that Hayes has met the kids virtually and they know who he is sealed the deal for me. Hayes has now received Cristina’s approval, Derek’s blessing, and is shown to have positive relationships with Meredith’s friends and family in Seattle. I loved that Hayes told Meredith to fight and talked about how her kids were doing and how everyone needs her.

I loved that he came and sat at her bedside and begged her to fight and not give up and that he talked to her even though he wasn’t sure if she could hear him. I love that he sat with her through the virtual memorial even though he wasn’t close to DeLuca and didn’t like him. The cheerful greeting and familiarity with which he greets Amelia and Zola and the stories he tells Meredith indicates that he’s been having regular video chats with Amelia, Maggie, Link, and the kids and that he’s chosen to stay by Meredith’s side when he just as easily could have left while she was on a call with her kids.  

It will also make the transition easier when do start dating because the kids will already know him. The music in this episode was really beautiful. Especially the songs that played during the beach scenes. I really enjoyed the drunken Link, Jo, and Jackson scene. I felt it brought much needed levity and humour to the episode the same way the beer scene with Jackson, Link, and Winston did in the previous episode. Their scenes were funny and raw and provided a good balance for the episode.

I also loved seeing more of Jo and Jackson's friends with benefits relationship and more of Jo and Link and Jackson and Link's friendship. I'd actually forgotten that Jackson and Link were friends so it was cool to see that dynamic again and that Link is supportive of their situation. The drinking game to me felt like a throwback to the Season 2 episode where Meredith and Cristina are at Joe’s Bar playing a game of whose life sucks the most and she tells them that Derek is married and Cristina tells her she’s pregnant. These revelations eventual lead to Cristina scheduling an abortion and declaring Meredith her person.

It was cool to see Maggie and Winston working together at Grey Sloan Memorial. Winston living in Boston was only going to go on for so long because as we've all found out this past year there's only so much you can do virtually. I knew he'd be moving to Seattle at some point and I'm glad to see him working at the hospital and hanging with Maggie's family. The scene where he danced it out with the kids was too cute! I'll be interested to see more of their dynamic moving forward as Maggie used to be his teacher and is now his boss. I'm also glad that both Winston and Hayes are finally getting the proper screen time they deserve.

Their storyline with the naked guy cracked me up! My two favourite lines of the episode were when the guy freaked out because he realized he wasn’t wearing his mask and Maggie said, “You’re not wearing much of anything.” And when Maggie and Winston went looking for him and Zander Perez, the resident from Pac North, told them, “If you’re looking for a naked guy he went that way.” I laughed so hard!

The scenes with Zola got me. She is a real trouper. She definitely is Meredith Grey's daughter through and through. I'm a big believer in found family and one of the things Grey's does really is show that there are many different ways to be a family and that family is what you make of it. True family is made up of the people who love and support you unconditionally not genetics. I really love that they've shown the strength of that bond between Zola and her family.

My favourite hidden moment of the episode was Tom! He appears in the background at DeLuca's memorial which means he's getting better. If he's well enough to be outside at the memorial then his condition has greatly improved since last we saw and that's great! Tom's a wonderfully complex character and I'm glad he's doing better. He appears in a bunch of deleted scenes that were released through the Grey’s Anatomy Twitter account which I highly recommend. The writing in this episode was excellent!

This episode was written by Adrian Wenner whose previous credits include the Season 16 episode ‘A Hard Pill to Swallow’ in which Meredith and Hayes work that vaping case together and get to know each for the first time. Honestly, my only complaint about this episode is that I wish they’d done it sooner! I wish they had bumped this and the previous episode up. The Mid-Season Finale felt very anti-climatic to me and was poorly received by a lot of fans. I wish they had just scrapped that episode or combined it with what we saw in the Mid-Season Premiere and then jumped into this episode after the break. But we’re here now and that’s the important thing.

Onto next week’s promo. Damn does it look interesting! We see that Owen has brought Teddy home and she’s not eating or speaking and he’s worried if her condition does not improve he’ll have to admit her. I’m sure he’s having flashbacks to when Cristina did the same thing after the plane crash. She appears to be experiencing some kind of nightmare sequence where she sees DeLuca as a ghost and Meredith speaks to her. Looks intense!

Until next time!

[yvainegelinemarie]

🖤🌸𝔐𝔯. 𝔏𝔬𝔳𝔢 𝔎𝔞𝔯𝔪𝔞 2021 𝔙𝔞𝔩𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔦𝔫𝔢𝔰 ℭ𝔞𝔯𝔡 ℜ𝔢𝔳𝔦𝔢𝔴 🌸🖤

I’m late I’m late for a very important dick appointment, date!

✨ 𝕳𝖊𝖑𝖑𝖔 𝐒𝖕𝖔𝖔𝐤𝖎𝖊𝖘!!~ ✨

Idk about ya’ll BUT these new karma cards got me all 🤰🏻🤰🏻🤰🏻

TW: Proceed with cation!! Do NOT open if you do not wish to soak your panties and/or cry your eyes out at my appalling sense of ‘humor’ 

*Today I will be rating the new Valentines Day art for the Karma cards. The rating process was done by comparing them to their previous valentines day cards and how they went against one another on their level of sexyness within each card. 

🌸 𝕷𝖚𝖈𝖎𝖊𝖓 | 7/10 | 2nd Place

⚰️ My daddy he be lookin fine a FOULK this evening with his tiddie out. My baby knows how to keep me fed if ya know what I’m sayin.😏💦

⚰️ This beautiful, breathtaking, princely, lavishing work of art!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHGHJTE5LILO; (srry, orgasim seizure). 

⚰️ It’s just *pats eyes with handkerchief* I have never in all my life, witnessed a man of this design. Please, don’t mind me. I just need a moment to bask in the glory of this angel. 

⚰️ The 💦water droplets💦, his bedroom eyes, that CHEST- I-I...I just need a moment...

⚰️ Lucien has once and always stolen my heart BUT I do have to say that based off of some past cards, last years valentines card, and compared to Victor’s card this year that my Lulu has to come in second. 🤧

⚰️ His sultry, princely and sexyness is all there but we all know that Lucien can pull off a very dominating demeanor. Yet here he’s just giving me very submissive vibes this valentines. (Not that there is anything wrong with that.)

⚰️ And then this card has the AUDACITY to turn into this?!?! 👀👀

⚰️ Sighhhh...It is just so hard to watch MC living your dream... 

⚰️ This card just looks so sweet. The carressing embrace, Lucien’s calmly surprised expression, it’s just all so gentle. awwwwwe!!

⚰️ Although this card is very romantic Lucien still looks very submissive and sweet. (Like homie looks like he’s never done this before which. LIES. BITCH I KNOW YOU) 👏🏼👏🏼

⚰️ One of the things I love the most about Lucien’s character is his very teasing and dominating aura and last years valentines card sucked that up and did a beautiful job of expressing his teasing personality in the artwork. I am hoping that maybe where this art is lacking the date itself will make up for it.

⚰️ I do find this card to be the second most sexy out of all the boys but I feel like it just doesn’t feel as Lucien as I would have liked it to. 

⚰️ I do however find the artwork to be very beautiful and embracing. Especially when the card is evolved. The way Lucien holds MC in the second card creates this very innocent and warm embrace that reminds me of two people just on the verge of falling in love.

⚰️ It is a very sweet and romantic card and it is quiet cute to see Lucien all blushing and off guard instead of his usual impassive self.

🌸 𝐊𝖎𝖗𝖔 | 6/10 | 4th place

⚰️ The bestest boi of them all!!! 🥰

⚰️ Litterally nothing gets sweeter than Kiro!!

⚰️ So sweet, so fun loving! This sunshine of a boi makes life worth living! ☀️☀️

⚰️ Kiro is definitely the one who shows up at just the right time to make life a little better and brings out the inner child that my sun in capricorn tries to repress so intensely. 

⚰️ And this card does that sweet and playful image justice. Always stay warm Kiro!!! AWWEEE!!!

⚰️ All I can say is I wish I was that dog so I can paw Kiro’s chest too. 🤭

⚰️ Now, It pains me to put Kiro last but it is just that I feel that his card lacks a lot compared to the valentines card from last year. 

⚰️  We were hit with a very sexy Kiro and there has been plenty of other very VERY sexy Kiro cards up to this one that it just causes this one to hit different, you know? 

⚰️ This one really captures Kiro’s loving and boyish personality so I definitely love it over all as a Kiro card. I think that it does wonderful in that aspect. But for valentines day? I expect something a bit more saucy...like an underwear model shoot maybe... 😜

⚰️ BUT THEN we get THISS!!

⚰️ S-Shirtless Kiro *Internal screaming* kahhhh!!! I can’t take it I. 😝

⚰️ Sometimes I forget just how HORNY Kiro issss.... 

⚰️ I think it’s safe to say that MC is only making that face NOT bc Kiro took that magazine but bc she be getting poked sitting in that lap like that.- 👀🍆

⚰️ Shirtless Kiro is an upgrade from what we had before BUT I still feel like this compared to the other guys and other very sexy kiro cards before that this still only gives a very innocnet and homey vibe.

⚰️ I do think that this card is very cute but when rating it on it’s quality of sexyness comapred to the other boys, I sadly have to put Kiro as last place. 

⚰️ I am just hoping that next year all the Kiro stans get rewarded with a nice Calvin Klein underwear shoot. (I know I’d be happy)😌😌

🌸 𝐕𝖎𝖈𝖙𝖔𝖗 | 8/10 | 1st Place

⚰️ Tall, dark, and handsome AS FOULK!!!

⚰️ Victor never comes in to play no games yall!!!  👏🏼💦

⚰️ Did I say Kiro was horny? because I take that back. Sometimes I forget how BADLYYY Victor is trynnnaaa FUCK in EVERYYY date. 💀

⚰️ But like I ain’t mad. First off, Victor, daddy, can I have that designer bag? I’ll suck your di- 

⚰️ Just the abs, that boujee ass robe even the cute ass fucking ties on his arm I-

⚰️ Victor be putting the standards for guys really fucking high in my book. AND I AIN’T MAD.

⚰️ I just love this card. It is honestly my favorite out of all of them (sorry Lulu) It’s mature, it’s sexy, it’s elegant, suttle, and EVERYTIME I look at it my heart flutters. This card is VERY Victor and a beautiful design of his character and it makes me VERY horny happy. 💦💦

⚰️ T-That angle... *blushes* He is ready to go to town if ya know what I mean.

⚰️ But given that facial expression he’s already busted it- 👀🤧

⚰️ On a real note tho. Victor looks so sweet and vulnerable here (*what a pussy) it’s so cuteee!!! Like I ain’t ever seen him look so sweet. (*fucking bitch.) 

*I have a love hate relationship with Victor since he always likes to piss me off!!! But he cute so.

⚰️ Again I think that this card is my favorite out of all four of the valentines cards this year. I feel like the intimacy in this one is there. The imagery is very sexy but soft. I love their pose and I think that this card sells where we all like our minds to wonder off too. 

⚰️ My absolutae favortie part is the simple pull on Victors unbuttoned shirt. It is just so sweet and so soft of an embrance.

⚰️But also Victor’s hand on the counter. I want that hand to smack my ass so hard fuck. 😋

⚰️ If I had to (and I do) make one complaint about this card it is that I honestly HATE Victor’s expression in the evoled. It’s just too soft and sweet for my liking. And as a Capricorn myself I can assure you that any slip up of us expressing even just the slightest bit of our vulnerability to anyone we will rip ourselves apart head to toe for years on that one single event and I assume that even during Victor’s most intimate times that stone cold look would not fade as easily as it does in this card. 

⚰️I think that it is beautiful and no hate to the Victor stans who think he looks hot AF in this card. I am all for it. I just personally like my capricorns whipped into shape. 😌

🌸 𝐆𝖆𝖛𝖎𝖓 | 7/10 | 3rd Place

⚰️ This one gave me the most and best shock.

⚰️ My favorite Gavin cards are by far this and his valentines card from last year. 

⚰️ There is just something about Valentines day that gets Gavin in a sexy mood. (you’re secretly a hopeless romantic, aren't you Gavin huh...huh???)😏

⚰️ First off, GAVIN!!! I ain’t ever seen you look so SEXY. Sending me Eboy vibes to the MAX ughhhhh!!!! 

⚰️ I love the straps on his shirt and the fact that it’s wet and the glove PULLLLL!!! FUCKK GAVINNNNN!!! 💦🔥💦

⚰️ Gavin for me is everything that’s hot that I just can’t get behind but I WANT to get behind. You know? haha.

⚰️ He’s just such a good boy and a sad boi all at the same time and he holds a soft place in ma heart (but he’s definitely a one night stand and then I never call him again haahaaaa ahhhh) 🤧

⚰️ And then this card!! It is so cute! SO sweet!!! and just very beautifully intimate. They look so in love!!!

⚰️ I just know for a fact that this night is very gentle and very passionate. 

⚰️ S3x with Gavin may not be intense, but it is love that we all at one point need okayyy!!. *cries* 🥲

⚰️ Gavin’s card is probably my 3rd favorite out of all of the boys this year. I do really love his pose and they are very sexy and very sweet and also very Gavin for his event cards. I also enjoy that his expression is still very true to his character in the last card (I’m looking at you lulu and vic) 

⚰️ I just feel like the art lacks a lot of story in Gavin’s cards (even his ones last year too) They just look like they took valentines day photos together lol. 

⚰️ I don’t hate them and they are very beautiful I just wish there was more going on then what looks to be like Gavin modeling for a brand of Makers Mark Whiskey lol. 

⚰️ I actually haven’t played a single Gavin date🤭...so I don’t have much to say on how he reacts to MC outside of the regular story line and I am sure that his valentines date for our English Sever with him was very wonderful. Based off of Gavin’s main story character I wouldn’t consider him very romantic or at least not the one in control of planning their dates. I think that of all the boys Gavin’s Valentines would be the most laid back and I would like to see more of Gavin’s character coming through with the artwork of these dates if that’s the case.

ENDNOTES: 

⚰️  On a serious note these cards are very beautiful although...I think I honestly enjoyed last years Valentines cards more than this one (the ones we got this year in the english server)... (omg...no way...she said it)

⚰️ Don’t get me wrong! All these cards are VERY sexy and I do like it but I feel like they almost lack intensity that last year SOLD us. 

⚰️ I guess what I am trying to say is they all feel too vanilla if you know what I mean... Gavin’s card is the only one that gives me a sense of spice despite him being the sweetest out of all the boys. I just feel that these in comparison to how lavish last years cards were that I want to see more intensity. 

⚰️ I am curious to know if the cards will ever get to that point (I know that the game wont give us full blown porn scenes...*sigh* lol) but I am looking forward to seeing some imagery to withhold the imagination of such. 

⚰️ Basically I’m sad that Lucien had no scratch marks. That-That’s it! You caught me!! I just want to see my daddy’s skin all scratched up!! Is that too much to ask for?! 

⚰️ ALSO I WANT FULL SHIRTLESS (WITH NIPPLES) SSR CARDDDSSSSSSS AHHHFGJGKRIGKECGHGERMCHM!!!!

⚰️ This is all written for shits n giggles. Please take this lightly and kindly let me know what karma card you liked the most. 

Thank you for stopping by, 🖤 Yvaine. 

[mahomoon]

I recently finished playing Greedfall for the second time, it’s an amazing game and I would gladly play it again! The story is great, the level design and the worldbuilding is awesome! if is filled with both beautiful and sublime scenes and the whole world of the game offers the perfect escape experience! I cannot find the words to express how fulfilling the experience of playing this game was! 

The characterizations are great and to a large degree in accordance with the world of the game and that makes the story even more interesting and engaging! Most of all I loved how De Sarde and Constantine were characterized. I loved their relationship and how they cared about each other, it was genuine and it had qualities that made it one of the memorable relationships that I have experienced in a work of fiction, and for this I am really thankful to the people who made this game, and especially those who wrote the story and the characters in such beautiful way!  but what I actually wanted to say here... was that as a fannibal, I had additional reasons to enjoy it even more! now bear with me as I hereby lay out how my mind makes connections regarding everything I love! (as a fannibal I sometimes see Hannibal in everything I love, if I can make that connection I will love that thing and enjoy the experience even more!) so here we go! 

The second facial preset for a male De Sardet gives you a facial structure very similar to that of Hugh Dancy’s, add a short stubble and change the hair style to something like this and you have a character very similar to Will Graham! here is a closer look:

I don’t know if it’s because of the shape of the eyes, the eyebrows, the cheeks, the jaw bone, the lips, the nose, or the ears (well basically everything!) but to me this looks like a videogame version of Hugh Dancy! 

Also, another connection I made was in how the two character of De Sardet and Constantine embrace each other (and the game is filled with those lovely embraces that are filled with care and support on the part of each of the two characters!) especially (spoilers if you haven’t played the game and are planning to do so) the one at the the end (one of the two endings), which is my favorite ending (and the one that makes more sense to me, since I know how De Sardet and Constantine cared about each other throughout the story! What I saw in their relationship would make me believe that at the time (when the choice is given to you to join or kill Constantine) De Sardet would say... “to hell with the old world and the new ones if my dearest cousin is not going to be in it! and to hell with all those who used and abused us, whether god or man. to hell with millennia of cycles that seem to only end in suffering and to hell with the gods who see the sufferings of people, hear their cries of agony, but would not bat an eye unless it is them who are threatened! I’m not gonna kill my dearest Constantine, whose only crime was being a victim to the whims of every mortal or immortal. who was just afraid of dying so soon, and in facing the cruelty of the world and its gods, he became as cruel as them. No, I would bind myself to him, and try to ease his suffering as I’ve always had. For he is my dearest one in the world, and I am his, and he still suffers...

so I chose this ending,

and it reminded me of this one,

so here I am, with two of my favorite things that have ended with these form of embraces, both are sad but beautiful, and I love it! I love what they represent, a form of love (not necessarily romantic in the case of the game) which is filled with support and caring, and it’s the most beautiful! a kind of “lean on me and nothing else in the world will matter, for now...”

[seasidewriter1-writes]

Replying to @elizabeth0020 for: Hello!! I’ve always wondered how you decide what arcs/episodes you’re going to write? There are sooooo many, how do you know what’s a good one for your story vs one that isn’t? And a second question (if you feel like answering lol): how do you picture all the details you wrote? Like lighting, movements, facial expression etc? You’re so good at that and I’ve always been amazed at how you come up with them!

I love answering anything and everything, so never worry about sending me too much! I don’t often get to talk about the technical stuff (like the questions you’ve asked), so I love getting any chance I have to talk about them! (So hold on tight, ‘cause this is a ramble! 😂)

So, for the first question regarding the arcs... I picked out what episodes/arcs I thought were beneficial when I did my first watch through of the Clone Wars this past summer. I had a google doc that I wrote down all the episode names in, then jotted down the preliminary ideas. Let me tell you, with a show that has seven seasons of 20+ episodes, it was... so daunting to even think about narrowing down what episodes and arcs to use. It was what initially deterred me from using any of them at all. So I started to look for things that I felt would directly impact Elara, her character, and her development. For example, I didn’t really use all of “Cat and Mouse” because the episode, on a whole, wouldn’t have Elara much involved in it. It did, however, provide a wonderful backdrop for her time on Christophsis, which is why I didn’t nix it entirely. Aside from forcing Obi-Wan and Elara to be tied together, “Dooku Captured” and “The Gungan General” were used to introduce her to Hondo, whom both allows her to be more playful, and showcases her knowledge of the seedier side of the galaxy. And there are plenty of episodes that I love and adore that I just... don’t think would fit. For as much as I love “Senate Spy” and the introduction of Clovis, there’s no way for me to put Elara into that episode and not have it feel forced. That’s another huge thing I look for when picking episodes; if Elara doesn’t feel like she would naturally fit into the storyline somehow, even if it’s indirectly, I’m not going to force her into it. That’s when I do things like mention the events of the episode in a chapter (like with “Clone Cadets”) instead of doing a whole episode. So Clovis is obviously going to get a mention (she’s Anakin’s sister and Padmé’s bestie, of course she’s going to hear about the debacle), but the whole episode won’t be written out.

Then, of course, you have the arcs. The ones that I had immediately chosen are (and these probably come as no surprise): Ryloth, Mandalore, Mortis, Slavers, and Deception. The arcs I find easier to choose because you have a chance to work with more surface area so to speak. It gives me a chance to really flesh out Elara’s part in the story, focus in on her and her emotions and how she’s tied to this particular plot. With the Mortis Arc, for example––Elara is a Skywalker. She is strong with the Force, and in the “Balance” verse, considered a Chosen One. That ties her into the Mortis Arc very interestingly, since it’s not just Anakin going God Mode. It’s going to lend me the chance to really dig deep into Elara, her connection to the Force, to the Light and Dark (the Daughter and Son), and her relationship to being a Chosen One. At first I was like ‘holy shit I’m never gonna be able to do this arc,’ and then when I buckled down and really thought it over... I realized it’s going to be really important for her as a character, and particularly her relationship with Anakin (stay tuned!). It also probably comes as no surprise that a lot of the arcs (and episodes) that get picked are influenced by whether or not Anakin or Obi-Wan are in them. Which is why I almost turned a blind eye to the Umbara Arc until someone brought it up. I did a rewatch of it and knew I had to include it, too. Because that’s going to be an awesome opportunity to flesh out how close Elara is to the 442nd, and be able to contrast her ideals as a General against those of Krell. A lot of the picking of episodes and arcs ends up being trial and error. I wrote the first four-ish pages of “Clone Cadets” before I realized it just didn’t flow right.

All this being said, I like to envision Elara is around for all of the Clone Wars episodes, so I’ve got lots of fun little random snippets for things that I’ll probably never write, but figure would happen in some part of a CW episode.

And after all that, here we finally are at your second question! ☺️

Coming up with all those small details is actually an amalgamation of things at work. I do attribute a lot of it to my training as an actor/theatre artist. I think about how, if I were directing it, how I’d want the movements to look, and how that would translate on both a small scale, and a large scale. A touch of a hand for Obi-Wan and Elara can feel like a world shifting movement––but come off as nothing but a simple, friendly gesture to their fellows. On a small scale, what makes the difference is the way the touch happens. How light the pressure of the touch is, how long it lasts, how slowly their fingers brush against the other person’s hand... all those things help me figure out the mood of that touch and how they’d respond to it. Also, when choosing words to describe movements I often think about the attitude attached to it. A ‘turn of the head’ when Anakin’s being moody may end up being a ‘swivel,’ or the ‘arch’ of an eyebrow from Obi-Wan is more sarcastic than a gentler ‘raise.’ I often agonize picking out those sorts of words. I’ll sit there and try them over and over again, then put them all into a Thesaurus website because I worry I use the same words too much. The thesaurus (particularly when writing Obi-Wan), is my best friend.

When I write mannerisms for canon characters, I use a lot of reference for. I’ll literally just scroll through gifs, watch movie clips, or rewatch the scene I’m writing to pick up on character-specific mannerisms. A couple chapters ago I was describing Anakin’s angry face, and I just looked at images of him from Revenge of the Sith (him alone in the Council room, him being knighted as Vader, his expressions on Mustafar, etc.) I’ll also do this for vocal ticks/inflections. I will also unashamedly admit I will sit there and compose my face into whatever expression I’m trying to describe. Sometimes feeling it physically, or physically composing it helps me come up with words or ways to describe the look. Same thing with touches AND with vocal inflection. Do I sit by myself and read what I’ve written aloud in my best Obi-Wan Kenobi cadence? Yes, yes I do. And has it helped me figure out what words/phrases do and do not work? Yes, it absolutely has!

Also, a lot of describing the details of motion/facial expression/touch gets affected by music for me. Like, if you listen to “Stairway to Heaven” as played by the London Philharmonic Orchestra while reading, say, the scene in “The Gungan General” where Obi-Wan and Elara wake up pressed up to one another... that song is just THE feel of that moment. Listening to the right music when writing (the little details especially) is big for me. Kinda like how “Blue Monday” is the music that works best for the bunker scene in “Storm Over Ryloth.”

There are also a lot of details that I pull from real life. I remember when I wrote Elara seeing Naboo for the first time—and consequently grass, trees, and flowers, too—it was summer time for me. I was staring out at the trees and the way the light filtered through them, watched how they swayed... the grass had just been cut and the breeze smelled sweet... and I was like ‘god, imagine experiencing this all for the first time.’ So I took what I felt and elevated it a little, tried to add a kind of wonder to the things that we all, for the most part, kinda take for granted. I like pulling on experiences I’ve had in real life as a basis.

I ask attribute a LOT of my detail work to my training as a theatre artist. I think about lighting now differently than I did a couple years ago; because I learned what kinda of light fit different moods. Like the scene of Obi-Wan at Dex’s would feel completely different if I’d described the light as cool toned. It would lack a sense of hope. His reminiscences would be sadder, it would feel more stark. The warmer tones suggest that there’s still heart and hope, a possibility for things to get better, and that reflects his inner life better than colder, bluer light. Or how I used light when I wrote Elara seeing Watto again after 10 years to describe her struggle between Dark and Light in that moment. She stepped out of the sun and into the shade because, for a moment, she almost gave in to the Darkness. (Inspired by the scene in Force Awakens where Kylo asks for Han’s help and the light shines down on them... with hints of red low lighting to hint at the struggle... only to have the light disappear as he overrides his own vulnerability, reverts to the Darkness and kills his own father).

I also love using physical objects as emotional triggers, like is done in theatre quite a bit. A good recent example being Elara’s lightsaber. Obi-Wan having it reminds him of his worries regarding her safety, and his struggle with choosing what path to take in regards to his feelings towards her. Or Elara with the Snow Blossom. These things have the ability to spark different emotions depending on the situation. On a good day, the Snow Blossom will make her smile; on a bad day, it may make her feel more sad than happy. And sometimes they don’t have to be objects—they can be bruises or scars or healing wounds. Having something physical spark an emotional response can be really helpful, and has actually helped me though rough spots in my writing.

I could literally go on for hours about all of this kind of stuff! So thank you for asking about it and giving me a chance to discuss it even a little bit! ☺️

[jiaraendgame]

Manipulation — Part One

Summary: Why Rafe Cameron took an interest in a Pogue is unknown, but a year later a bad decision has a good outcome when a golden boy from the Cut makes an unwavering impression on this lost girl.

Warnings: Angst, sad, drug use/abuse, swearing, underage drinking, peer pressure. (I think that’s it?? If I missed anything for the warnings let me know)

Word Count: 3k+

A/N: This is a song fic based on Manipulation by Beartooth.

***Part one is all Rafe x Reader flashback. Part two is where JJ comes in. Oh and there is like a 2.2 second scene with Platonic!JB x Reader in this part.***

This is my first time writing for OBX and in general posting fanfiction for the world to see. So apologies cause it’s definitely trash. I just want to say a BIG thank you for the few people here who encouraged me to write and have fun. Also a BIG thanks to my best friend and beta reader @john-benderr for hyping me up and always supporting me and my silly antics. Hope you guys don’t hate it, I tried my best. Let me know what you think???

Gif credit: @toesure

I hesitated, got lost again

You saw me as wounded prey

I was a wreck, I was a bloody mess

And you couldn't look away

The Boneyard designated party destination here in the Outer Banks. The ultimate summer hang-out spot for some guaranteed wild moments. Even if you could point out every Kook, Touron, or us Pogues from the Cut, it was usually a good time. You never know what’s gonna happen on any given night, but you are sure to find people from all walks of life on this island congregating and partying. This is where you found yourself tonight, at a kegger ready to forget the responsibilities you held at least just for the night. The air was warm, and the party's noise swam through your ears, drowning out any reservation you usually have for yourself. You wanted to drown in this wave of overwhelming senses. The crackles from the fire, the music you swayed to, the sounds of people mingling and cheering, it swallowed you whole as you finished off another cup of bitter liquid. Was this your third or fourth cup from the keg? You don’t really remember anymore, but nor do you care. All that mattered is you were loosening the jaw you had tightened all day and was forgetting about the pressures you were facing at home. Nothing here mattered more than being free.

At this point, you had more than a buzz going on, but nothing was stopping your fun just yet. You clumsily weaved in and out of people working your way back to the keg ready for another round. You usually never drank alone, but tonight you weren’t in the mood for friends. At least that’s what you told yourself. In actuality, everyone you hit up to come tonight ghosted you or had some lame excuse as to why they couldn’t come. So you bravely chose to go as a one-woman show ready to conquer the party on your own. Never thinking that this night would lead you down a rabbit hole, you would never be prepared for. Stumbling forward lost in your thoughts, you slur your words to the tall and tan brown-haired boy with his button down shirt half-open handing out drinks from the keg.

“Hey man, hand me a refill, yeah?” Your sloppy words spill out of your mouth, letters all jumbled together barely coherent to the untrained ear.

The brown-haired boy looked at you a tinge of concern in his eyes as you were visibly wasted and clearly on your own tonight. You don’t know why it mattered. It’s not like everyone else wasn’t just as sloshed as you were.

“Uh, you sure you can handle another one, you look… well, you look pretty faded.” 

The boy’s sentiment meant well, but it did nothing but annoy you. Why did everyone think they had to take care of you? Don’t they know you are beyond capable of doing so yourself? You work your ass off to keep everything in line, you can cut loose every once and awhile. Your inner voice of reason started to rear its ugly head, briefly reminding you how utterly irresponsible you were being. Listen to the boy, go home. You don’t need this. Stop acting so tough you aren’t that strong. It’s okay to feel the way you do. Quit while you’re ahead.

Quickly shoving the paranoia that began to rise in your chest, you knew if you could still feel the panic, then you weren’t drunk enough. Looking back at the boy, he was still eyeing you hesitantly when you finally sharpened your tongue and spoke again.

“Please, I know how to handle myself, pretty boy. I’m just living a little is all.” The attitude in your voice is far from pleasant.

Why were you so rude to the kind boy who clearly was watching out for your well-being? You should have listened to him. You shouldn’t have drunk this next cup. Maybe it was just the catalyst for the events that proceeded to perspire.

“Listen just… just gimme a refill, and I’ll be on my way. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about me. I can handle myself, I swear.” While you wanted to sound sure of yourself and maybe even a bit assertive, you could tell he didn’t take you seriously at all.

Your amplified brash persona needed work clearly as it fooled no one while you were blurring the lines of reality and fantasy with each drink you took. The boy looks at you, and the small line starting to form behind you. He sighs to the side as he fills a cup with the amber liquid, finally obliging to your commands to avoid further conflict. While handing you the cup, he speaks once more before you swivel on your heels.

“ Hey, listen... if you need someone to bring you home later or whatever, just come find me. The names John B.”

You stood there bewildered for a moment, unsure why someone would have concern over you. You were just a drunk partygoer at the beach for some fun, why did it seem like you were so different than the others around you? You could take care of yourself you always have, but regardless it was a kind gesture. You felt a pit in your gut for being rude to him moments ago. You couldn’t answer him, you just looked in his eyes and shook your head with a softened smile. Hoping he would understand, you appreciated his offer.

New drink in hand, you stumbled to a clear spot on the beach and plopped yourself down into the ground. Removing your sandals, you buried your toes in the soft sand closing your eyes, taking a swig of your drink. You felt the air on your skin as you leaned your head back. A new sense of calm washed over your body as you faded into the scenery. Sip by sip, you felt all your grievances escape your mind. Nothing would stop you from releasing your mind tonight even if it tried to crawl it’s way back up the hole you shoved it down. If each sip of liquid kept the beasts at bay for just a moment, the tranquility you felt was worth every bit of hell you’d wake up to tomorrow.

You broke me down

So you could take me out

Lost in thought, you lay your body back into the sand, staring up at the stars in a dazed state. Not noticing the pair of eyes that have been watching you for quite some time. From a distance, a seemingly put-together boy traced his eyes along your body. Staring at every curve, every feature, watching every action you took, he knew he had to talk to you. What better time to make a move when you were finally alone, away from the hustle and bustle of the kegger and laying out on the beach staring up at the sky. 

He’s been keeping an eye on you all night, watching you get more faded with each sip of every drink you took. Alone at a party, you don’t see that often around here. Everyone always pairs up fast, even if you did arrive alone. You well, you were different. Something about you drew this clean-cut boy to you, and he wasn’t quite sure why. Something about your solitude reminded him of something he couldn’t quite place a finger on. Or maybe it was how he watched you spiral, falling with no safety net beneath you. He decided tonight he would be the safety net, he would catch you, even if you didn’t ask.

“Hello, beautiful…” A voice speaks out, startling you as your eyes crash open. A light chuckle passes the boy’s lips at your shock. 

“Sorry, darling, didn’t mean to startle you.” He smiles, flashing his gorgeous white teeth at you. “I saw you over here alone and thought you could use some company.”

You blink a few times, trying to focus your blurred vision. A boy whose outline was hazy hovers over you, still smiling that bright smile. However, something felt underlying off about his sheer confidence. It wasn’t much longer until you put two and two together. The boy in the salmon-colored polo shirt and the khaki shorts that stared into your eyes was the infamous Kook prince himself, Rafe Cameron.

Any other day of the week, you’d loathe the boy in front of you, he always caused trouble for anyone who came from the Cut. He bathed in his arrogance and condescending words. So why has the prince of Kooks wandered his way over to you was the million-dollar question. One that you’re not sure you’ll ever get the answer to.

You lifted yourself into a sitting position and still have yet to speak a word to the polished boy in front of you. He speaks once more, trying to pry words from your mouth with every smooth sentence he spoke.

“Aw come now, a gorgeous face like that shouldn’t be scowling by her lonesome. Let me join you, they always say misery loves company.” The tip of the boy’s tongue brushes his top lip as a sly smirk pricks the side of his mouth.

You cock your eyebrow up, but still, motion for the boy to sit next to you. You didn’t think you were scowling, but the more you focused your mind, it became clear you weren’t suppressing any of the facial expressions you thought you were. The alcohol tore down your mask a little more than you would have liked. 

You finally spoke to the boy poised next to you, studying the side of your face. “Who says I’m miserable, what if I just want the company?”

A chuckle passes his lips, he knew he had his hooks in you now. You turn and face Rafe, knowing full well that engaging with him is a terrible idea, but sometimes you craved a little danger in your life. Danger, like getting involved with a Kook named Rafe Cameron, would entail. If it distracted you even just for the night then why not go all out, he was looking rather charming tonight.

“Ah, well, aren’t we all a little miserable? I mean, no one’s perfect, right?” His breathy words cause the curiosity inside you to rise. 

Was the always well kept and confident Rafe Cameron telling you he and his Kook lifestyle wasn’t perfect? 

 It had to be the alcohol talking. It’s burning through your veins, making you actually consider speaking to someone so deviously pristine. Part of you believed it was to forget your troubles, the other part wondered what lies beneath the surface of the self-proclaimed prince. The more you gazed at him, the more sweetness you saw, but it wasn’t just that. There was something else about Rafe that you couldn’t quite put your finger on, but maybe you two had more in common than you thought.

“Please, Rafe, don’t give me your pity party parade. People like you don’t know real misery.”

“On the contrary little dove, he who you see before you has many layers, my rips, and tears, however, are patched up and easily hidden. Yours, however… well, yours are prominent and hanging by threads.”

Ouch. There is the haughty personality that you knew would peek out eventually. The sting of his words appeared on your face as he tries to console the wounds he inflicted.

“Everyone is tattered and worn little dove; it’s how you patch those tears that matter.”

“What are you getting at here, Rafe? Cause it seems to me, despite how sweet you think your sentiment is, you just don’t know how to truly console someone you see as lesser than you.” You want to keep your annoyance you have with Rafe, but with each comment and... and that nickname, he cracks your shell a little bit more.

“I don’t believe you are less than me beautiful, I just…” He sighs. “You’re right, I’m not good at consoling others.” He pauses briefly before he continues, knowing he has to bring himself down a level or he won’t get anywhere with you.

“How’s this then… how about instead of talking we just keep each other company? You don’t even have to speak to me if you don’t want to, though I’d prefer it if you did.” A small wink is shot your way.

“We aren’t just gonna sit here in silence Rafe, I don’t want that kind of company.”

“Well… then how about we ditch the sand and trade it in for something a little more… luxurious?”

There it was, the danger you felt. An offer from Rafe Cameron to go, god, knows where to do god knows what. It excited you, the unknown world of Rafe. You hesitated, unsure if you were ready to fully plunge yourself into forbidden territory, but there it was again. The panic rising in your chest, the thoughts and stress you wanted to escape creeping up again, threatening to attack if you let them linger too long. With that, you took your red cup and downed the remainder of its contents, pushing back your burdens once more. 

Looking into Rafe’s eyes, there was a sparkle of chaos hidden deep within his soft gaze. It made you weak, it made you yearn for something more than this party at the Boneyard. With that, your decision was made. You gave him a smile and shook your head, trying to contain the eagerness you suddenly felt.

This is isolation

Kept in the dark and waiting

You're wearing the crown of kingdoms I created

Now I can't escape it

All of the light is fading

Rafe was up in seconds, extending his hand down to you; an almost menacing smirk overtook his face. As you clasp your hand into his and you’re brought to your feet, you stumble into his side, gripping tighter to keep your balance. Rafe was quick to slide his free arm around your waist, steadying you.

“I got you little dove, lean on me. I won’t let you fall.”

His sweet like honey words swallowed you now. A flush of red kisses your cheeks. Was it his promise to not let you fall or was it the nickname he spoke to you that made your head swirl more than the alcohol ever could, you weren’t sure, but you wished the feeling wouldn’t stop.

It wasn’t long before you were in Rafe’s car and driving who knows where, but what you did know was the excitement you felt was overwhelming your fear. 

“Where are we going?”

“I’m going to show you what a real party is like, beautiful.”

The compliments he kept spewing towards you, a simple Pogue girl, was astonishing. You never believed a Kook like Rafe would see you as anything but a “dirty Pogue.”

“Can I ask a question?” You turn your head towards the boy.

“Of course, little dove. Anything.” He places his free hand on your bare thigh and a light squeeze follows it.

The shiver sent down your spine, tantalized your thoughts. You no longer could think straight. He glances over to you, a smirk once more gracing his lips.

“Why little dove? I- I mean, why are you calling me that?”

“Well, I thought that was obvious, darling? You know my name, but I still have yet to learn yours.”

Your face drops at the realization that you never indeed introduced yourself to Rafe. Of course, you knew who he was, everyone knew who he was, but you? You were no one. Of course, he didn’t know your name.

“O-oh my god, I’m sorry I didn’t even realize I didn’t... uhh,” you chuckle nervously at your idiocy. “The names (Y/N).” You spit out between nervous breaths and awkward giggles. The alcohol was still strong in your system.

A light, almost innocent laugh passes his lips, looking over to you. “It’s okay (Y/N), I don’t mind giving a beautiful girl a nickname that suits her.” He winks. “In fact, I think you’re stuck with little dove from now on… if you don’t mind, of course.”

You hadn’t realized the car had come to a stop in front of a vast mansion. The architecture was beautiful and symmetric with white pillars on the outside. Perfectly kept flowered hedges and trimmed grass graces the front yard. It was like a picture, pristine and undamaged.

“I-I don’t mind no… not at all.” You smile sheepishly towards the boy as he turns the key and shuts the ignition off.

“Well, here we are… are you ready for a real party?” He asks, stepping out and quickly meeting you at the passenger side. Opening the door, he offers you his hand once more.

Taking his hand, you lean once more on his side, steadying your balance. Unsure where the night is about to guide you. Despite the pristine image outside the house once in the door, the whole feeling has changed. There were Kooks everywhere, and to say you felt a little out of place was an understatement. Loud music blared through the open rooms filled with people drinking, smoking, laughing, and smiling. Much like at the Boneyard, but the atmosphere was entirely different. 

Rafe sensed your new-found hesitation, but he wasn’t about to let you slip away. Not when he finally had you where he wanted. Pulling you closer to his side, he whispers into your ear—his warm breath causing you to gasp slightly at his now lower smooth tone.

“Relax… you can trust me.”

All you could do was shake your head. You weren't quite sure how this boy made you so weak at the knees, but you wanted to believe him, so you did.

He paraded you through the party, introducing you to the skeptical Kooks whose eyeballs felt like daggers in your chest. Their disdain and judgment of you unspoken with you wrapped around Rafe’s side.

Finally, on the last stop of the tour de la Cameron, he brought you through a room that outlooked towards the pool area. He brings you up towards a smaller group of people. Two of which you recognized as Rafe’s loyal posse. Topper and Kelce.

“Hey what’s up my man, where have you been all night?”

They exchange greetings and eyeball his new hip attachment IE you. They look over to Rafe with enigmatic smiles spread across their face, but before they could say anything to you, the boy spoke.

“Boys this is (Y/N), she came to experience what real luxury is like. So I expect her to be treated like the best guest of honor she is.”

Topper and Kelce share a glance and shrug off the ideas of Rafe, bringing a Pogue to their side of the island. They figured he had other intentions behind his new side piece. 

“Right well welcome (Y/N) I hope you’re ready for some real fun.” The boys gleamed their fakest grins towards you.

Rafe pulls you over and sits you down next to him, a clear glass table in front of you. The other two boys sit across from you. After a seemingly relaxed conversation, he claps his hands together and lets out an excited laugh.

“Alright, boys, the real fun begins.” Looking over to you, he releases your hand that you’ve been holding and pulls out a small plastic baggy with a white substance inside. He makes quick work of the substance cutting out four clean and tight lines onto the table. Rolling a dollar bill into a cylinder, he passes it over to Kelce. 

The muscular boy leans towards the table cylinder in hand against one nostril while he plugs the other. In one swift movement, the white powder was gone, and he passed the bill over to Topper. He quickly follows suit. Both the boys cheer out a sudden burst of euphoria that rattles their bodies. Looking on to Rafe as he was up next.

You pulled at his arm in shock at the site you’re seeing unravel in front of your eyes. He could see the worry written all over you.

“Don’t worry darling, a little blow never hurt anyone.” He pats your head, running his hand down your hair, and leans over and plants a kiss onto your cheek.

The sudden physical affection made you swoon as you bite your lower lip, still looking at him with concern in your eyes.

“I-I don’t know about this, Rafe.”

“Shhh, just watch it’ll be fine.”

He lowers his abdomen down with haste cleaner and faster than the previous boys; the powder is gone. Almost as if he’s done this regularly. Maybe Rafe Cameron wasn’t lying to you earlier. Perhaps he really was hiding an unseen misery. Your heart suddenly ached for the boy as he leaned up and pinched his nostrils a few times, sniffing back the remnants of the content he just consumed.

“It’s your turn beautiful. This will clear out all that misery from earlier, I promise.” He extends the rolled-up bill to you, his eyes darting down your body, trying to read your response.

You don’t speak. You just stare at him, and the boys across from you obnoxiously chuckle.

“Come on (Y/N) you’re a Pogue you should be used to this shit on the Cut.”

“Where’s your courage, girl?”

The boys tease as Rafe shoots them a glare, silencing them immediately. You reach out your hand shakily towards the rolled-up bill. Questioning why you’re even considering this. His words from earlier echo in your head, ‘you can trust me.’

“It’s easy, I promise I’ll even help you. Trust me, you’ll feel like you’re on top of the world. Once you’re there, the real party begins.”

“I-I’m scared.” You whisper to Rafe as he pulls you closer.

“No reason to be scared sweetheart, I got you. Remember, I won’t let you fall.” His hand cups the side of your face. His eyes looking deep into yours so soft and sweet as he's gently stroking your cheek with his thumb.

You take a deep breath, reminding yourself you wanted to live a little. You wanted this freedom, this danger. So it was now or never. You leaned down as Rafe bends to help you. The boy pressed one of your nostrils closed and instructed you to snort in fast and move down the line. You shake your head, confirming to him you were ready.

“Come on, little dove… let’s fly.” These were the last words you remember hearing as you snorted your first line of blow. Rafe cooing to you as you faded out. 

This isn't trust

This is manipulation

Taglist: @pit-zuh 

(Tbh I wanted to tag a few other mututals but I’m nervous so sorry!)

Part Two coming soon-ish?

[breadclubrising]

Why do you believe another gl reunion would make Ibushi fulfilled? Bc last time he seemed pretty annoyed by the end of it, saying he was just being tossed aside as "Kenny's replacement" and "I have nothing else to do in this tournament" and ofc the "I've always been alone". Why would it be different now?

wellllllllllll because the GL story has a surprising amount of nuance for a wrestling storyline, and has kind of deliberately mixed kayfabe with real life in such a way that you can’t talk about them separately a lot of the time.

i DEFINITELY didn’t say he ‘needs’ it to be ‘fulfilled’, because that is a thing that would give me hives to say. i have many times said he doesn’t need Kenny and that’s been the point, is that they both totally can be great without each other, but they keep choosing each other and even if they’re successful in their careers, they are unhappy when they’re apart. if you find that disagreeable, please email kota (i know for a fact he does not check his email because of course he doesn’t). What I said was: it is how their careers will play out because they literally say that will happen and they have gone to LENGTHS in real life to make it happen.

i saw someone on twitter who bothered to take a screenshot of some galaxy brain on reddit finally figuring out that ibushi and omega see each other as endgame, and captioned it something like ‘golden lovers is the worst story in wrestling please stop.’ which is totally an opinion you are welcome to have but also, the part about them being each other’s endgame is a thing they both have said and kenny in particular will never let anyone forget. i do not understand why people give it the ‘lol shut up fangirl shippers’ treatment when it’s a thing that has been telegraphed since the beginning of time, unless you are calling ibushi and omega fangirl shippers, which you actually probably should bc no one ships GL more. anyway, i actually completely get why people who don’t like the storyline, or don’t like kenny, or whatever, have a different reading of the actual events that took place. but it means that you asking me this question isn’t going to get you a satisfying answer, and that makes me feel like you’re just asking me this to make me feel bad for liking a thing incorrectly. 

but you did ask, which is totally on you, so: Ibushi said (explicitly, in interviews, and on twitter) that he was frustrated with himself for not Reaching His Potential. He never expressed frustration with Kenny, or even with NJPW’s booking. He wasn’t even officially signed until a couple months after Kenny left. 

It was like this: he was an outsider in the company. He was always paired with the guy who is like, certified by the belt to be The Best Wrestler In The World. That guy had a problem like the bus in Speed, except instead of having to maintain a speed of 60mph to avoid exploding, the bus has to constantly say its boyfriend is the coolest. So Kenny, the best wrestler in the world according to kayfabe, is like ‘actually my mans here is the best wrestler in the world’ and kota’s like ‘thanks i love you too but i’m pretty sure you’re the one with the belt and the pwi cover and 437 meltzer stars you fucking labradoodle.’ (I’d bet money Kota does not know what a labradoodle is.) Kenny’s stanning was sweet and well-intentioned but to Kota it only highlighted the achievement gulf between them. And it did not help that his mentor Tanahashi was like ‘allow me to highlight the achievement gulf between you and your genetically inferior labradoodle boyfriend, whomst i don’t like for Reasons.’

And that made Ibushi be like ‘i’m 36 (at the time) years old and I have every muscle and yet, no accolades. the fact that i have not yet managed to be the unequivocal best and that i foolishly had a body and feelings is shameful and weak.’

That’s how he is: he beats himself up about stuff like goddamn taking time off to heal from neck surgery and a mental breakdown, and the unforgivable sin of not being quite sure what direction he wanted to take his career. It felt really bad! It deffos did! But his frustration was not directed where you think it was! But that’s the part I said you’re not going to agree with me on, so!

There was so much going ON in this story and it was really GOOD! Like all the stuff with Tanahashi was incredible and heart-wrenching and you just wanted to both smack and hug all three of them and it was a really good story! 

Sometimes I just need to remind myself of that bc people who dislike the Golden Lovers are very reductive about why they assume people like the thing they do not like. But yes, it actually is a good story, now that I type a tiny part of it out like that; not my fault some people seem to have missed the epic heroes’ journeys forest for the gay love story trees. Not that there’s anything wrong with gay love story trees; also very much part of the forest.

Anyway Anon, part of the reason earlier on I speculated that you just came to my inbox to try to make me feel sad for liking things in a way you did not was that... honestly. HOW did ANYONE watch Ibushi say “I was always alone, before” after he won the 2019 G1 and go “king said ‘new career who dis’ and deleted kenneth’s number from his phone! 👏always 👏alone 👏before 👏!!!’ 

Like yeah those are the words he said but, you know, words can mean a lot of things! and personally, I think it’s relevant that those words were enveloped by a heartbreakingly pained smile that says ‘GREAT question Tokyo Sports, i WILL cry RIGHT here at this FUCKING folding table if you do not IMMEDIATELY pretend along with me that my existence began earlier this evening when I entered this arena. thanks in advance!’ Like!

Yep, look at that smug fuck pretending not to know who his shitty ex is! Prolly thinking of some good labradoodle jokes.

(On the real i know that not everyone is good at ascertaining emotion from facial expressions. I get that, and I’m not gonna dog on anyone for it, because I myself am often not great at it. And honestly? If he meant this in the “I don’t know her” sense, I would probably have loved it, bc I am a Kota Ibushi fan first, a human second, an antifa supersoldier third, and then a Golden Lovers Scholar like somewhere in the low 20s. But... I can’t even pretend that reading works for me. I hate looking at these gifs. That’s how much this reads to me as Having A Bad Time, like this man’s face is among my favorite things to view on this horrible planet and my heart feels like it’s being poked with a broken toothpick every time these gifs loop.)

And finally, because of the thing I said in the first paragraph that I wrote when I was like “i’m just gonna write a quick answer to this ask” like some kind of fucking fool who has never seen my own blog: it would not “be different now”, it has always been this story, and both Kenny and Kota say that when they are able to. It mixes kayfabe with real life, and in real life it’s really clear that it’s endgame for both of them, and I’m very sorry to GL haters but please direct your displeasure with the narrative to the two nerds who are determined to continue it across decades and oceans.

[moonlit-jeno]

love sick

Chapter 9- Jaemin

pairing: nct dream ‘00 line + reader

genre/warnings: angst, fluff, character death

words: 3.5k

summary:

He could have prevented both of their deaths. He should have prevented both of their deaths. But he didn’t.

He wonders what that means for the rest of them

masterlist | prev | next

Renjun used to always say that time was an illusion. Granted, he was normally joking in response to Jaemin yelling at him for being late, but his words have never felt truer than right now. The days blend together, differentiated only by the routine house change and the occasional food run.

Right now he’s inside some store that is somehow still entirely intact, shelves stocked with rows and rows of food. His stomach growls. “What if we stayed here?” Jeno looks up from the package of green bread that he’s observing. “What, you mean like overnight?” “Yeah. It would make sense, right? Shit ton of food. Plus it’s sheltered, and I’m sure we could figure out the furniture situation.” He muses, observing the aisles. Jeno makes a noise of agreement.

“That’s actually not a bad idea. Let’s throw some food in the car before we talk to y/n and Hyuck about it.” Jaemin does his best to grab foods with the most nutritional value, which is hard when it’s all packaged. He nearly throws up when he gets to the meat section, all of it rotting away inside the glass cases. There are some yogurts that are still good and he calls out to Jeno, laughing as the boy pushes the cart and then jumps on the back, pretending to fly. 

Something pulls in his chest, the scene reminding him of the day it all started. Flashbacks pop up behind his eyes and he takes a deep breath, mechanically throwing yogurts into the cart to distract himself.

He’s so lost in his head that he doesn’t realize Jeno’s calling his name until the guy grabs his wrist. “Jaemin? You good?” Jaemin blinks and looks from his wrist to the elder, then down to the cart. It’s pretty much filled with yogurts, several containers on the floor, rolling down the aisles. He didn’t realize how aggressively he was throwing them. “Yeah, sorry. Distracted.” Jeno nods and lets go of his wrist after a minute. “Alright. Come on, let’s get back to the car.”

They’re about four aisles away from the exit when they hear it. The sound of sneakers scuffling along the floor, a loud pop as a bag is presumably stepped on. Jaemin’s eyes widen and both boys freeze, making terrified eye contact. “What do we do?” Jaemin mouths, trying his best not to make a sound. They’re way too far from the entrance to make it. Jeno gives him a look that says “Why are you asking me?” and shrugs helplessly.

The footsteps have stopped and the store is now eerily quiet, every other sound drowned out by the frantic beating of Jaemin’s heart. He grabs the gun out of the cart, looking back at Jeno. Jeno nods, creeping forward slowly with him. He uses one arm to push Jeno behind him.

His head is pounding and he’s breathing too loud, but the more he tries to calm himself, the more he freaks out. They peer into one aisle, finding it empty. Jaemin doesn’t know whether to feel relieved or not.

The next aisle is just as empty. Jaemin’s beginning to wonder whether they just imagined the sound. He hopes they did. There are only two aisles left until they can bolt to the car.

Jaemin slowly peers into the next aisle, eyes widening as he’s met with the barrel of a gun. His heart stops beating and he stands frozen. Jeno makes a noise behind him and he snaps back into himself, raising his own gun jerkily.

“Are you infected?” The person behind the gun demands, nudging Jaemin’s forehead with the the point of it when Jaemin takes too long to respond.

“N-no. No, we’re not.” His voice breaks and he has to clear his throat, try again. 

Jeno’s hand brushes over his arm, gripping onto it tightly, and Jaemin flinches. “Are sure?” Jaemin’s eyes are zeroed in on the finger on the trigger, how it twitches ever so slightly. “Yes, we’re fucking sure! We’re not infected!” 

There’s a moment where Jaemin is sure he’s about to die, but then the gun is lowered, and Jaemin is face to face with a boy who looks to be no older than Jaemin. He smiles brightly at them. “Hi! I’m Chenle. Jisung’s hiding somewhere.” It contrasts the mood so starkly that all Jaemin can do is stare at him before breaking into a nervous laughter. “Uh, okay. Okay, cool. We’re gonna leave now.” “Are you going to take anything? Or were you just visiting to admire the place?” Chenle asks, tucking the gun into his waistband before raising his eyebrows at them. Jaemin flushes, looking back at Jeno. Jeno looks ready to fight the kid. “We were grabbing food before you decided to hold us at gunpoint.” Jeno explains through clenched teeth.

“Hey, you also technically held me at gunpoint.” He motions to the gun still clenched in Jaemin’s hand. Jaemin startles and tucks the gun into his own waistband. He’d forgotten he had it.

“Right. Great meeting you, we’re leaving now.” Jeno turns to go back and grab the cart, Jaemin following. They rush towards the exit, but Chenle follows them. “Where are you headed?” He asks. “There aren’t too many places left to go.”

Jaemin shrugs, glancing out the window before pausing. “Dunno. We’ll figure it out later.” The guy doesn’t say anything in response. Jaemin waits a moment, but Jeno nudges him with the cart to keep him moving. He turns to leave.

They’re halfway out the door when another voice calls out to them. “Wait! Take us with you.” Another boy stands next to Chenle. He’s taller, has a deeper voice, but somehow manages to cower behind his friend. Something pulls in Jaemin’s chest at the sight.

“And why would we do that?” Jeno asks, eyeing the pair up and down. “We don’t know you.” “But we’re trustworthy.” Chenle shrugs. “And I’m good with a gun.” Jaemin can tell Jeno is done with this conversation. “Great. We’re good with guns, too.” “Not really. I just saw your gun skills and I’ve gotta say, they’re kind of lacking.” Jisung says. Jaemin feels a little attacked. 

“Still a no.” Jeno says at the same time that Jaemin says “Fine.” They turn to face each other. “What?” Jaemin makes a series of facial expressions and gestures that he hopes convey that he doesn’t want to leave these two alone and helpless. Jeno returns the expressions, his exasperation growing until he groans. “Fine. We have two other people with us, we’ll let them decide.”

Chenle and Jisung stay inside while Jeno and Jaemin take the cart out to the car. “This is a bad idea.” Jeno grumbles, glaring at Jaemin. “What if they rob us?” “Why would they do that?” Jaemin asks in place of answering. The fact that he can’t confidently say that they won’t rob them should be concerning. Jeno raises his eyebrow as Jaemin. “This is an apocalypse, Jaem. Why wouldn’t they do that?”

“Took you long enough.” Donghyuck says when they get to the car, hopping out to help them chuck the food in the back. There’s no annoyance in his tone, though. He sounds relieved. You hop out to join them.

“Yeah, well. We met a couple people.” Jaemin sighs, trying to figure out how to tell you and Hyuck what happened without raising concern. He focuses on the food as he recounts everything, not wanting to see your expressions.

You and Donghyuck are gaping at him when he finishes, twin looks of disbelief on your face. “And you want to take them with us? Are you insane?” Donghyuck asks, voice shrill. “Clearly, he is.” Jeno says. Both boys glance at you, probably expecting you to agree with them. You bite your lip. “Oh God. Don’t tell me you’re considering it. What if they rob us?” “I mean, it might not be a bad thing? Don’t forget, the only reason we know each other is because you broke into my house.” You point out.

Donghyuck scoffs. “Of course you would want more guys to come with us.” Your expression falls, hurt written all over your face. Jeno rolls his eyes. “I thought we were past this, Hyuck.” “Fine.” Donghyuck waves his hand and saunters back into the car. “Bring them out here, I guess it won’t hurt to talk to them.” Jaemin runs back to grab Jisung and Chenle, trying to appear threatening as he warns them not to pull any funny business. Naturally, you and Donghyuck look suspicious, gazes calculated as you analyze them. “Why do you want to come with us?” You ask the first question, looking scarily intimidating. Jaemin almost forgot how you acted when you first met them, grilling them about the zombie apocalypse that you didn’t believe in.

Chenle answers with his head held high. “We’ve been stuck here since the whole thing started. We don’t have a car, and there’s no way that we can travel on foot without dying.”

“How did you get here in the first place, then? And how is it that there’s no one else with you?” Your gaze is intimidating enough that Jaemin’s shaking and he’s not even the one being questioned. Jisung seems to try to shrink behind Chenle, who doesn’t even look fazed.

“This is my dad’s store. I used to open it sometimes, but I hated going alone so I brought Jisung with me. There’s no one else inside because I got a call the day everything went down, telling me to lock up and protect myself.” 

You narrow your eyes at him, scanning, before nodding to yourself. “Alright.” It looks like you’re about to agree to let them come with, but then you pause, eyebrows furrowing. “Wait. We walked into the store just fine. You’re seriously going to tell me that no one else tried to break in?” ”No, they did. I shot them.” Chenle smiles sarcastically. “You’re welcome.” The corner of your mouth twitches up and you hold his gaze for a moment before turning to the rest of your group. “Okay. I’m good with them.” “You’re not going to backstab us, are you?” Donghyuck asks them. Both boys shake their heads, hands held up. “We won’t, we swear.” The answer seems to satisfy Donghyuck. He nods at Jaemin.

Jeno’s the last one, but he ends up caving. “Fine. Don’t make us regret this.” Chenle and Jisung both smile. “Thank you! You won’t regret it.” They go to hop in the car but Jeno stops them with an outstretched hand. 

“Gun.” Chenle’s smile falters, but he hands the weapon over. Jeno turns to Jisung. “You too.” “I don’t have one.” Jisung replies. Jeno moves to pat him down and Jisung flinches back. Jeno levels him with a stare. Chenle squeezes Jisung’s hand reassuringly, and Jisung slowly relaxes.

Jeno pats him down quickly, taking note of the setting sun. He doesn’t find any other weapons. “Alright. Off we go.”

Jisung and Chenle end up making a great addition to the group. They seem to be complete opposites. Jisung barely talks and Chenle barely shuts up, his voice loud and laugh even louder. It only serves to make their interactions funnier to the rest of them. 

Chenle almost reminds Jaemin of Renjun, with his quick wit and sharp tongue. And Jisung is so timid and awkward that Jaemin can’t help but to basically adopt him. He’s two years younger than Jaemin and he quickly becomes the younger brother he never had.

Donghyuck never fails to join in on the teasing, Chenle cackling as you and Jeno watch from the side. Jaemin notices that you’re a bit more closed off from the two new boys, not that it’s hard to figure out why. You probably figure that Donghyuck’s ready to jump down your throat any chance he gets (he is). Plus, you’re already distant with him and Jeno. Why would you be welcome to newcomers?

Jeno’s a different story. He’s surprisingly fine with Chenle, finding the kid hilarious. Jisung… not so much. 

Maybe it has to do with the time Jeno made a bad joke and Jisung called him boring. Or maybe it’s like Donghyuck said: Jeno’s jealous of the attention Jaemin’s giving Jisung. It’s kind of funny to him, watching the older boy pout as Jaemin pinches Jisung’s cheeks.

Jisung has a little wallet sized calendar that he keeps with him, checking off the days to keep track of time. It’s a little disheartening to see just how long it’s been since the beginning of the end, that day marked with an x and a frowny face. There’s a smiley face on one of the days from last month.

“What’s this?” Jaemin asks, tapping the day with his index finger. Jisung looks over, confused, and then flushes red. He mumbles something inaudible. “What?” “That’s the day Chenle and I joined you guys.” Jisung looks away, clearly embarrassed, but the gesture’s so sweet and innocent that Jaemin’s heart warms.

Jaemin reaches over to pinch his cheeks, cooing at him. Jisung yelps and tries to bat his hand away. “Aww, you marked down the day that we met? Cute.” 

Donghyuck hears the chaos and runs over, attacking hugging Jisung from the back. “You really like us that much?” Chenle cackles as you and Jeno watch, laughing from the sidelines. There’s something different about your smile as you watch them. It’s brighter, happier than Jaemin’s seen you look in a while. It lifts his spirits even higher, if that was possible.

The house that they’re in right now is tiny, not leaving for a lot of space. It doesn’t really provide much shelter either; the walls are thin and there’s a draft that seeps in and chills him to the bone. There aren’t enough blankets for all of them so they have to improvise, snuggling up to each other. Jisung and Chenle are curled together across the room. You’re sandwiched between Jaemin and Jeno, Hyuck hugging Jeno from behind. You’re facing Jeno, which is fine, except that means that no one is hugging Jaemin and he’s cold. His eyelids are heavy and he feels dead tired but he can’t get comfortable enough to fall asleep. He’s about to get up and pull Hyuck on top of him when he hears it.

There’s a noise from across the room, a loud growl that has Jaemin bolting upright, looking around wildly for intruders. He doesn’t find anyone. 

Someone whispers an apology from across the room. Jaemin squints his eyes, trying to see in the dark, and Jisung sits up. The kid laughs sheepishly. “That was my stomach.” “Jesus, you scared me.” Jaemin stands. “Come on, let's get you some food. What do you want?” “A baguette.” Jisung doesn’t even hesitate. Jaemin raises his eyebrows, reaching forward to poke him in the side. “Kidding! I want oatmeal.” Jaemin boils the water while Jisung pulls a package of oats out of the box. He must accidentally splash Jisung with the boiling water when because he groans when Jaemin is pouring the water into the bowl.

“Shit, sorry.” “Hmm? That wasn’t me.” Jisung sounds confused. “Oh. Must’ve been Jeno, he snores sometimes.” Jaemin shrugs it off, but then they hear the noise again. It sounds closer, and it’s accompanied by a banging. His heart drops to his stomach. “Shit. Shit, grab whatever you can, we’ve gotta go.” Their escape this time is harder. It’s dark, for one, so none of them can see what’s happening. Plus they’re all half asleep. Jaemin almost loses his mind trying to explain the situation to a non comprehending Jeno.

“Jesus Christ, pay attention. There are zombies here. We heard them like, a minute ago. We need to leave.” 

You all huddle together at the front door, Jeno clicking the key to unlock the car ahead of time. Jeno runs them through it, yawning midway through his speech. “We run, we jump into the car, and that’s it. Don’t take time to get comfortable. As soon as your ass hits the seat, you scoot over and slam the doors shut. Ready?”

The grass is wet and Jaemin groans as he realizes he doesn’t have shoes, the mud slimy between his toes. It’s a miracle he doesn’t fall.

It’s another miracle that the zombies fall. They may be strong but they’re not too coordinated, and Jaemin glances back to see one running at them, only to slip and land on its face. It would be funny if it weren’t so damn terrifying.

Everyone piles into the car successfully, Jeno slamming his foot on the gas and speeding off. Jaemin turns to look around the car. “Everyone okay?” Murmured agreements sound around the vehicle, and Jaemin sinks back into his seat in relief. The SUV only fits five people, Jisung being the unlucky one sitting in the trunk. There’s plenty of space back there and the boy has a clear view of the rest of them, so it’s not that bad.

Somehow the car is more comfortable than the house and Jaemin finds himself drifting off, heavy eyelids finally resting. He’s just about to fall asleep when he feels a bang, an annoying beeping sound filling the car. Jaemin fights the urge to throw himself out of the car. “Alright, who doesn’t have their seatbelt on?”

“Fuck, Jaemin, that’s not the seatbelt sign. The trunk’s open.” Jeno swears. “What? But it’s closed.” You say, turning around to look back. Jaemin’s about to agree when suddenly the trunk flies up. Jisung screams and reaches forward to grab the headrest. 

There’s an awful growling sound and suddenly the serene atmosphere is shifted into chaos. You yell Jaemin’s name and hand him a gun. Donghyuck and Chenle are both trying to pull Jisung into the backseat, the lanky boy having trouble fitting. He’s just about over when he lets out another scream, being pulled backwards with such force that he’s ripped out of their grips. Jisung just barely manages to grab onto the headrest.

“Get it off of me!” Jaemin’s eyes widen as he meets Jisung’s panicked expression and he swings the gun up, finger on the trigger. There’s a malformed hand around Jisung’s ankle and Jaemin makes the mistake of following the hand to the rest of his body. It’s a zombie, he knows it’s a zombie, can hear Jisung screaming for help, and yet…

All he sees when he looks at the face is Renjun. He gapes at the sight in front of him as he’s suddenly thrown back to a week ago, to Renjun sitting on the grass as he awaited his death. To months ago, the boy cackling as Jaemin woke up to find the scribbles left by a Sharpie and a bored Renjun.

He falters. There’s yelling in the background but it all blurs together in Jaemin’s ears until someone grabs his shoulder and screams “What are you doing?” That brings him back into the present and suddenly everything snaps back into focus. The zombie isn’t Renjun.

Jaemin raises the gun to shoot but it’s too late. Jisung screams bloody murder as he’s dragged out of the SUV, hands trying desperately to get a grip on anything that could possibly save him.

“No!” Jaemin throws himself forward to grab Jisung’s hand, but it’s too late. He watches in horror as Jisung’s body lands on the road, zombies swarming around him. It’s a gruesome sight, and he vaguely registers Chenle take the gun from him, watches as the remaining zombies fall to the ground. There’s a hand gripping his shoulder, keeping him in place, and it’s only then that he realizes he’s screaming, body trying to launch him after Jisung.

They eventually pull over to shut the trunk and get gas. It’s probably his turn to drive but nobody mentions it, not with the state that he’s in. His eyes are locked on the rear window, the scene replaying over and over in his head.

The panic in Jisung’s eyes. The desperation with which he clawed at the back of the seat. The fucking screams he was letting out as he begged, pleaded with Jaemin to save him. Because he could’ve saved him.

He should have saved him. It’s his fault. If he hadn’t frozen up, Jisung would still be alive. And why did he freeze up? Because he thought he saw his dead friend? It shouldn’t have mattered if it was Renjun, because it wouldn’t really have been Renjun. He would’ve had to shoot him anyways. But he didn’t.

It’s his fault Jisung’s dead. This is the second person he’s killed so far. Even if he wasn’t the one who dragged Jisung out of the car. Even if he wasn’t the one who turned Renjun or shot him in the head. He could’ve prevented their deaths. It’s his fault.

He wonders what that means for the rest of them.

[ryanmeft]

Movie Review: Black Widow

The MCU will never be able to run with the true titans of popular cinema---it is simply too interested in being a billboard for merchandise and setting up the next movie. If it were going to decide to go for something more personal, though, Black Widow is almost kinda what that might look like. Buried, sometimes deeply, amid the acrobatic stunts, exploding enemy bases and super-powered fisticuffs is a real story about two real, broken girls.

The movie is set after Civil War, but in a great act of mercy towards non-obsessive viewers, the links to the larger Avengersverse are minimal. As we open, Natasha (Scarlett Johansson) has divested of her Black Widow identity and escapes from the clutches of General Ross (William Hurt), who you may remember from it really doesn’t matter. Laying low to stay off the government’s radar, she is eventually contacted covertly by her previously-unmentioned sister Yelena (Florence Pugh). Yelena has been released from the mind control she was subjected to by their handler, the shadowy Dreykov (Ray Winstone), who Natasha believed dead at her hand. During her release, she acquired the means to un-brainwash the other “widows” Dreykov is controlling, all of whom he kidnapped and raised as assassins from childhood.

Since Natasha has global connections and has evidenced an ability to find anything anywhere, it seems like the search for Dreykov should be relatively quick, but there’s one problem: the movie needs to be at least two hours long. To that end, Natasha and Yelena track down the Soviet sleeper agents (Rachel Weisz and David Harbour) who raised them as part of a cover identity, and the “family” sets off together.

One thing you sense at various points of the movie is that director Cate Shortland is spiritually yanked out of the director’s chair and replaced with compliant studio drones. Let me elaborate: when Natasha initially goes on the run, she retreats to a trailer in the middle of nowhere, her needs supplied by a convenient smuggler friend (O-T Fagbenie). In another scene, Johannson and Pugh have a chat at a crappy picnic table outside a dirty diner, discussing their respective pasts and lives. Eric Pearson’s screenplay is clearly steering the events here, and these scenes ring so true they could have developed into an entirely different kind of film, one where former assassins try to move on with their lives in an ordinary world where they’ll always be hunted just for doing what they were told. So tantalizing are these glimpses of other realities that I allowed myself to believe in them, though I knew the superheroics must eventually come.

Come they do, and at these points Shortland and Pearson are essentially told to take a seat while Disney’s bean-counters turn the film over to editing rooms and focus groups. Witness a scene in which the sisters must break their “dad”, who is a super-powered goofball named the Red Guardian, out of prison. We begin with a scene of psychological dominance among prisoners that is shot like a real movie, with such shocking things as camera angles and a focus on facial expressions. The escape itself is, as a friend put it, some Fast and the Furious type stuff, in which all subtlety and craft is pitched in the can and Johansson, Pugh and Harbour escape while dangling from a rope out of an erratically controlled helicopter literally seconds ahead of an avalanche. Presumably the other few hundred people in the prison didn’t make it, but what’s a little mass murder when you’re the hero?.

The most noticeable divide between artist and machine, though, comes in the third act, which is split into two distinct parts. The inevitable boom-bang finish is ripped almost beat-for-beat from Captain America: The Winter Soldier, to the degree that whatever comments I had about that could be applied here with only the names edited. Prior to a big multi-character fight amid a literal crumbling air base, though, there is a verbal match of wits between Natasha and Dreykov, a character we have not seen until now except in one brief flashback. The result is that Winstone has to carry off his entire personality in this one scene, since he won’t have any time during the running and yelling that comes later. What we get is he and Natasha circling each other like wolves, each trying to verbally deduce the other’s plans, intentions and capabilities, talk their opponent into a mistake, and otherwise gain the upper hand. I was reminded of Doctor Strange’s vastly underrated finale, and of how good a final confrontation between two electric personalities can be when it isn’t catering to seconds-long attention spans.

Then people start flip-kicking each other and everything starts blowing up real good and I was forcibly reminded of what kind of movie I was watching. For those precious scenes, though, the ones where the creators are allowed to create and the phenomenal cast is allowed to actually sink their teeth into the dialogue and the body language, I felt something of the stirrings I got when superhero movies were fresh and studios were still trying. It was enough, sometimes barely, to sneak past my defenses.

Verdict: Recommended

Note: I don’t use stars, but here are my possible verdicts.

Must-See

Highly Recommended

Recommended

Average

Not Recommended

Avoid like the Plague

You can follow me on Twitter here, if you want more posts about film and video games and sometimes about how I would have totally crushed so hard on Ava Gardner.:

https://twitter.com/RyanmEft

All images are property of the people what own the movie.

[confusednarcissistwrites]

Hotsy Totsy PT. 2 (T.C.)

Soooo obviously the posting schedule isn’t all I had planned 😅 I’m just going to start posting as I have them ready for you so I don’t put undue pressure on myself and procrastinate my life away lol

Enjoy!!

Stepping out of the wild club and into the cool of the summer night gave Timothée a dizzying sense of deja vu, sending an ache through his chest. Your name reverberated through his mind like a shout in a cave. His trembling hands reached up and ran through his hair as he fought to gain his bearings.

“Tim? What’s going on?” Nick’s brow was drawn together in concern as he followed his friend out into the alleyway. Timothée had always been a hard person to keep up with as he was very connected to his emotions. It often was stressful, but being so close to someone so eccentric was refreshing to Nick; he’d dealt with far too many fake people in his life.

Timothée’s hands fell, meeting his friend’s eyes. “That’s her, man. That’s the girl. That’s-

“Y/N,” they said in sync.

Suddenly, it clicked. Nick felt stupid for not putting the pieces together sooner. He’d known that you had attended college to study musical theater on your parents wealth and your gifted vocal talents, but he didn’t realize that it was the same college Timothée had attended there in New York; he hadn’t even known of the young actor at the time. There had only ever been murmurings of this girl Timothée had met before he’d been drafted, all of which were prompted by heavy alcohol consumption. He’d known her name was Y/N, but he didn’t ever think that it could be his Y/N. He’d only really known you when you were both small children through family events. A little surprised smile crept onto Nick’s face. “Well, this is perfect then! I can get you in to see her-”

“Are you insane? I can’t see her” Timmy interrupted as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. He shook his head and anxiety filled his stomach, his arms locked tightly around his torso; there was just no way, not yet at least. He wasn’t prepared for that at all.

“Well, why not? Weren’t you two close?”

Timothée scoffed, turning away from Nick. “I just- I can’t even begin to explain this to you now. I’m going home.”

Nick felt that tug at him a bit. Timothée told him everything, sometimes to a degree that was uncomfortable. However, he continued to refuse to speak about you and what had caused all this tension between you. He stood and watched his best friend’s lanky form disappear around the corner, his hands shoved deep into his pockets.

***

The next day, you woke up in your husband’s arms from dreams that made you wish you could sleep all day. Flashes of bouncing brunette curls and honey-pot eyes made you ache to your very soul. However, that was pushed to the back of your mind as James’ blue eyes blinked open, feeling you shift in his arms. “Hello, dollface,” he smiled, his voice rough with sleep and his stick-straight, black hair sticking his way and that, making you laugh softly.

“Good morning, Jamesy,” you smiled. Giggles escaped you as he began pressing tickling kisses along your neck before slipping out of bed and heading into the en suite bathroom in all his naked glory. He was handsome, charming, and a businessman, but now, it suddenly felt like something was missing. Perhaps there always had been. You stood, cursing yourself silently and pushing the corrosive thoughts away once again. You followed after him, slipping into your silky kimono before allowing your hands to snake around his middle while watching him carefully shave his face in the mirror.

“What’s gotten into you this morning?” he chuckled, feeling you press kisses along his shoulder.

“I just… miss you, sugar” you murmured, pressing your nearly naked body against his. This made it obvious to you when he tensed up, rejecting your touches.

“Sorry, toots, don’t have time to play. I’ve got to meet up with a new girl today.”

You cringed at his words, retracting from him to rest your back against the wall, your robe drawn tight and your arms crossed over your chest.

Seeing your face in the mirror, he quickly rephrased. “A new act, darling, a new act.” You just sighed and left the bathroom, a scowl on your face. He didn’t make it any easier for you to pretend you weren’t still thinking about the night before.

***

Nick hung up the phone and stood, slipping on his jacket.

“Where are you headed? Don’t tell me you’re still out chasing that bearcat, are you?” Timothée questioned, a tired but teasing look on his face. He sat cross legged on the floor with his shirt sleeves cuffed up to his elbows and his hair disheveled as he read over a new script. A hundred fine, luxury options for seating in his home, and yet he chose the rug next to the fireplace every time. Nick had never seen him look quite so aged.

Nick laughed, shaking his head. “Mildred? I’m afraid she’s engaged to marry next weekend,” he said in a bittersweet tone.

“Ah,” Tim replied awkwardly. “Don’t worry about it, Nick. You’ll find her soon.”

However, his girl problems were far from the first thing on Nick’s mind. He had just received a call informing him that he was invited to join his cousin for lunch. Before Timothée could ask more questions, he gave him a curt nod and left the room, travelling down the long flight of stairs to the front door. Thoughts swirled in his mind as he hailed their driver. He figured you had seen him with Timothée the night before, and that was what had prompted your call. Perhaps he’d have better luck getting information out of you than he had with Timothée. He hopped into the backseat, relaying the address you’d given him to the driver, trying to put the pieces together.

Meanwhile, you were preparing for his arrival. You wore a simple shift dress with a long string of pearls and wave in your hair as you laid out on the loveseat.

“Why are you having him all the sudden? Hasn’t he lived in the city for awhile now?” Jordan asked, sitting down on the coffee table in front of you.

“Well... because I’m setting you two up, of course!” you replied with a teasing grin, feigning innocence. You weren’t sure if even you knew your true intentions behind having your cousin come to visit, if you were honest with yourself.

On cue, the doorbell sounded.

Nick was greeted by the butler who kindly welcomed him and escorted him into the parlor where you were chatting idly with Jordan. You sat up, peeking at him over the back of the sofa. “Cousin Nicky! Oh, you are so much taller than I remembered you! My goodness, just look at you! You are a real charmer now,” you beamed, making him blush and look at his shoes a bit.

“Oh, stop it, Y/N,” he grinned. You hopped up, hurrying over to him and enveloping him in a tight hug. Something about seeing him eased anxiety pinching in your chest. Nick grinned and hugged you back, relishing how familiar you were to him even after so long.

“Look at me? Look at you! You’re a star, darling,” he flattered, giving you a little spin and making you giggle. Nick felt the warm glow radiating off of you that always lured everyone in, making you so irresistible. However, unlike the others, he could also still see that little girl who had performed loud and proud to all their captive family members at every Sunday brunch. You’d always been a crowd pleaser, often to a fault.

Jordan cleared her throat a bit, reminding you of her presence. “Oh, yes! Nicky, this is my best gal, Jordan,” you said, gesturing to her. She approached Nick, allowing him to take her hand and press a gentle kiss against the back of it. Jordan was tall with an athletic build and an overwhelming aura of confidence. He had short, black hair that framed her sharp facial features, but warm eyes full of mischief. Nick was instantly intrigued and also incredibly intimidated.

“It’s nice to meet you,” she smiled, trying to play nice though it was hardly in her nature.

“The pleasure is mine,” Nick replied coolly, giving her his charming smile.

The afternoon was spent over tea and sandwiches and scones, the three sharing many laughs and stories, becoming acquainted with one another. The girls spoke of show biz while Nick expressed his newfound interest in writing.

However, you were all interrupted by the arrival of the man of the house. You stiffened a bit at first but quickly slipped back into yourself. “Darling, you’re home!” you cooed, hopping up and wrapping yourself around his arm.

James grinned, giving you a little spin, completely opposite of his attitude that morning. “Hello, doll,” he hummed, pulling you to meet his lips.

Nick tried to hide his shock and sipped his tea. He felt silly for thinking she lived in this big house alone, but he really hadn’t even considered a husband being in the picture. He took the man in as he stood to shake his hand; he was average height with a stocky gait and, though he was dressed as a businessman, he was clearly disheveled and smelled of alcohol. Jordan let out a little sigh at his presence before getting up and fixing a cocktail.

Nick struggled not to grimace as James took his hand, giving it a hardy shake. “You must be Nicky, my girl’s cousin. Nice to meet you. James Elliot is the name” he greeted.

“It’s just Nick, actually, but it’s nice to meet you too. I’m afraid I really should be going-“

“Oh don’t be ridiculous! You must stay for dinner,” you interjected, hoping he could sense your underlying tone.

Nick forced a little smile. “Alright, Y/N. I would hate to be a burden.”

The group gathered around the table making idle chat over a chicken dinner. You giggled over James’ every word and spoke as if everything was a shade of rose, nauseating Nick and Jordan who kept matching sideways glances at each other. It was as if you were playing a scripted role. About three quarters of the way through dinner, however, the phone rang from the parlor, silencing you in the middle of your story. Nick sensed tension settle over the table and watched curiously as James hopped up to answer it. He quirked a brow at Jordan, but she simply shrugged and sipped on her wine. You were quiet for the first time that evening, looking down at your food with sickness settling in your stomach. Nick could see that James was smiling into the phone before he hung up and returned to his place at the head of the table.

“Who was calling, James? It seems a bit late,” Jordan questioned.

“Oh, just business,” he replied nonchalantly.

The phone began to ring again.

You audibly sighed, giving James a look. Every night, it was the same game; only this was even more humiliating with your cousin there. You never asked because you didn’t want to know. Maybe because you already did. He placed a warning hand on your shoulder and squeezed as he brushed by to go answer the phone for the second time, making your hands shake.

As James left again, you stood, deciding you’d had enough. You stepped out onto the patio attached to the dining room and fought to breathe. The anxiety attacks had come for about as long as you could remember, but they’d recently evolved into near episodes. Your knuckles were white around the railing as you stared across the bay through tear-fogged eyes, trying to get a grip. You barely registered the sound of Nick stepping out onto the balcony with you.

“Y/N, are you alright? What’s wrong, darling?” He couldn’t help but feel protective over you despite all the time you’d spent away from each other.

You swallowed the knot in your throat, trying to focus enough to speak. “I think everything is pretty terrible, Nicky.”

He took your hand in his, his back against the railing as he faced you with pleading eyes. “Why do you say that?”

“I have everything. I found everything I wanted in life, but it’s never enough.” You continued to stare blankly out at the water. “I fight every day to stay ignorant, to be a beautiful fool. That’s the best thing a girl can be in this world.”

Nick watched you sadly, pressing a kiss to your knuckles. Never could he have imagined the girl he’d seen on the stage the night before coming home to be the wilted flower before him. He gently tugged on your hand, pulling you into a hug. You relented, feeling some of the tension release from your chest as you exhaled against his shoulder. Nick was just as safe as you’d remembered.

***

After a few awkward, tension-filled goodbyes, Nick and Jordan were escorted out to their drivers.

“It was nice to meet you,” Nick said, trying to be polite despite the obvious discomfort the evening had brought.

“He’s sneaking around with girls from the club,” she said bluntly, stopping Nick in his tracks.

He stared at her dumbly, trying to understand.

“I thought everyone knew,” she sighed, kicking at the gravel. “You know he owns the speakeasy, don't you? He’s sneaking around on Y/N, but she won't confront him because she’s afraid he won’t let her keep performing. He’s given her everything she has here.”

Suddenly, everything you had said on the balcony made sense. Nick ran his hand over his face, still speechless. “I-I just.. wow, um-“

“Yeah.” Jordan was your only confidant through everything that had been going on, and though she carried the weight like a champ, she did ache for you. The only reason she didn’t take things into her own hands was for your sake. “Well, Nick. I’ll see you around,” she said finally, giving him a sad smile before climbing into her cab. Nick did the same, feeling about a thousand pounds heavier than when he had arrived. It wasn’t until then that he remembered his mourning roommate back home. How was he going to relay all of this to him? Letting out a sigh, he laid his head back against the headrest, watching all the people and twinkling buildings pass by outside his window. Perhaps it could all just wait until tomorrow.

When he finally made it back to the mansion, Nick dragged himself up the stoop and inside. As he made his way up the staircase on his way to his room, he spotted Timothée in the same place he’d left him. He was gazing into the fire now with his script abandoned beside him.

“Aye, Tim. What are you still doing up?” Nick asked, leaning around the doorframe. Tim jolted and groaned, rubbing his eyes, clearly startled by his roommate’s return. Nick made his way upstairs toward his room, ready to be out of his suit and not yet ready to tell Timothée where he really had been and what he had learned while he was there.

Timmy held his head in his hands, his elbows propped against his knees. He’d spent the whole night concocting ideas of how he could see you without actually having to see you. All this along with feeling sorry for himself, of course. He’d imagined seeing you again for the past five years and yet, now that it was actually right before him, he had no idea what to do. He stood up with a heavy sigh, anger building internally with himself. Sipping down what was left of his whiskey, he resolved what he had to do.

Long legs carried him swiftly to Nick’s bedroom door where he knocked softly before opening it.

Nick raised a brow, in the process of getting changed. “What is it?” he questioned, seeing the slightly wild look in Timothée’s tired eyes.

“I need you to do me a really big favor.”

TAGLIST: @londonmademedoit @cathyoliveros10