#sometimes i feel like i dont make myself clear enough and i come off as very anti b/ddie but like im not i promise i sincerely would love it

[usercelestial]

✨ venting ✨

[stevie-petey]

first of all: the new chapter was AMAZING as always!! i know you are probably so so so busy with move in and classes starting and writing come home already, but i had a blurb idea (and it will obviously ALWAYS be dustin and steve interaction) of steve hanging out with dustin alone sometime soon after you get together, and them talking about it for the first time? it doesn't have to be any particular way i'm just SO curious what dustin's reaction was beyond the knee-jerk "ew you kissed my sister but also thank god because it took you long enough you moron"

stebe n dust <333

enjoy !

“you sure youre okay with driving dustin to mikes?”

steve rolls his eyes fondly at you. “yes, angel. its not even a ten minute drive. i can handle the kid.”

“i know. its just,” you bite your lip, unsure of how to voice what youre thinking. your brows scrunch together and steve thinks youre painfully adorable when youre overthinking. “its too hot for him to bike there, but you and i just started dating and dustin is… well. hes dustin.”

“you worried he’ll lecture me or something?”

“more like ask really invasive questions.”

steve laughs and kisses your hand, body leaning over the counter at your work. hes spent the entire days at bookstrordinary just to talk to you since scoops burned down. when he isnt job searching with robin, hes here with you.

“have some faith in me, y/n. im a big boy, i can take care of myself.”

you blink at him. “you cried yesterday when a lizard ran across your leg.”

“okay, thats entirely different. that thing looked at me with its beady little eyes and dared me to fight him.” steve shudders. “that thing was sentient.”

“youre really not making me feel any better about this, honey.” you groan, already dreading whatever your brother will say to him. youre sure dustin will somehow give the most bizarre, overly obnoxious yet endearing lecture known to man.

steve rolls his eyes again and grabs his keys, reluctantly pulling away from you. “i bet the kid forgot we’re even together now. relax, i’ll be back in no time.”

you call one last good luck to him before hes hone, leaving you alone in the store as the late july heat simmers the air.

at first everything is great. dustin is waiting for steve in the driveway and hops inside the car without any complaints. he turns the radio one and even smiles at steve.

but then, as dustin always does, he opens his mouth.

“i better not catch you sucking face with my sister.”

“dustin!” steve blanches, utterly mortified by what the boy has said. he almost veers off the road with how violently he cringes.

“im just saying! you two are weirdly touchy, and now that youre together, which by the way took you way too long to even do,” dustin looks pointedly at steve, who sighs. “i dont want you getting any gross ideas.”

the older teen rubs his face tiredly. he lasted three minutes. three blissful, quiet minutes. “good to know youre happy for us, then.”

dustin thinks for a moment. “well, i guess y/n could do worse. better than jonathan, at least.”

“thanks, dustin.” steve deflates, not at all believing the kid.

dustin recognizes the apprehension and he uncomfortably shifts in his head. he doesnt necessarily want to be all touchy-feely with the guy, but he also recognizes how much you love him. how good you and steve are together.

coughing, dustin looks out the window. he knows this is what youd want. “im happy she found you, steve.”

by now the wheelers driveway can be seen, but because steve is so startled by what dustin has confessed, he almost misses the turn.

clearing his own throat awkwardly, steve parks the car and looks at dustin. “you, uh. really mean that?”

“please dont make this any more unbearable.” the kid quips, leaning as far away from him as possible.

“right,” steve clears his throat again and unlocks the passenger door. he tugs at his seatbelt, needing something to do with his hands. “off you go, then.”

dustin quickly unbuckles his seatbelt and nearly falls out of the car in his hurry to leave. hes standing and about to walk away before he stops, turning around. leaving over the window, dustin lowers his voice. “hey, one last thing.”

steves voice catches in his throat, scared of where this is going. “yeah?”

ducking his head down, too shy to meet the other boys gaze, dustin finally says, “dont hurt y/n, alright? she-she really loves you. i know you love her, too. but shes… shes the best person in the world and im trusting you to be kind to her.”

“i…” steve stares at dustin, surprised by the sincerity in his voice and yet incredibly touched that hes being so vulnerable with him. to have your brother trust steve enough to be with you, to trust he wont hurt someone as selfless and soft as you, it means more to steve than dustin will ever know.

after years of being cruel to his classmates and growing up believing he wasnt worthy of anything gentle, steve cant believe hes being entrusted with you in his life.

it doesnt feel real, sometimes. being able to love you.

“i promise i’ll be kind to y/n,” steve says softly, meeting dustins eyes. its weird, being so delicate with the kid, but hes shared a lot with him, so its only fair steve does the same. “its because of her that im kind.”

“me, too.” dustin whispers. his eyes gleam, his mischievous smile is back. “guess we learned from the best, huh?”

steve laughs. “yeah, i guess we did.”

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for telling someone i can't be friends with them and returning a gift?

buckle up gamers, this is gonna be a long one. so i (22nb but i present fem) was out at the bars the other night just kinda hanging out, and a girl (26f) came up and started talking to me. she didnt really seem...super present i guess? and i talked to her to be nice and she had a cool outfit on. well i was a little drunk and ended up giving her my phone number and meeting her husband (39m) and they walked me home. the whole time she was talking about how she doesn't have any friends and her ex friends just wanted to get with her husband. she told me she was bi and i was like hey me too but im not interested in sex so that was cool. she ended up walking me home w her husband bc it was late which was nice, but they seemed really shocked i lived in such a nice apartment(i do, its expensive but my parents pay for it. im really privileged to be able to do that).

i saw her again today because she kept texting me about wanting to hang out, so i went for ice cream with her bc it was in a public place and i wasnt super comfortable going back to her apt with her. i paid for her ice cream bc she said her card wasnt working, nbd bc my parents have money and her and her husband aren't really well off. i said she could pay me back sometime, buy me ice cream or whatever another day, but she really fixated on it. she told me her husband thought i was cute which made me a little uncomfortable but i laughed it of, and then she kept talking about how she was bi and would date a girl and how she approached me not to date but to be a friend and then 'see where it goes.' she also told me she did porn online to make money which is fine w me, that she's on disability but that the money isnt really enough to live on, and that she'd been raped in the past and drugged which yanno a little overshare-y considering ive known her for three days but she really seemed like she needed someone to talk to and im good at listening. well her husband showed up out of nowhere bc he apparently tracks her phone and we all went back to their apartment bc i couldn't say no(im a doormat. i know) and she ended up giving me two pieces of jewelry in return for buying her ice cream which felt a little like overkill. i tried to refuse but she said she wouldn't ever wear them again so it would be fine. it was really kind of her but now i kind of feel i owe her back for them. the whole time i was there they seemed really eager to get me to move in nearby, and while its true that area is definitely cheaper my parents are really fine paying for my expensive apartment bc my tuition is a lot cheaper than my sibling's. she and her husband walked me home again, mentioning they might be going on a cruise in november if they could save up the money and that they could bring a friend. i said id almost definitely have school which they seemed to accept. they kind of seemed to want to see my place, but i told them it was really messy(it is) i have anxiety around having people in my space(i do) and that maybe they could come up another day and i could make dinner, and she told me she didn't like people cooking for her bc she'd been drugged in the past and that i could go over to their apartment again instead.

my parents think theres some really big red flags going on and i should try to break this off sooner rather than later. i pretty much agree. im not gonna ghost her and they dont think i should either, but that i should somehow return the jewelry in a kind way and tell her i cant really be super close friends. my mom had the idea to draw myself wearing the jewelry and then say i still have a memory of it but to return it bc i cant accept such a nice gift which i could try to do.

to be clear i am shit at communication and setting boundaries, im very aware of that, and most of this can be solved by telling her hey i can't accept this gift and im really busy for school a lot and im sorry i cant be as much as a friend as you need. but i still kinda feel like tah for leading her on almost and then breaking it off like everyone else in her life. ive been under a lot of stress bc of school and my stepgrandmother passing and trying to take care of my grandfather so trying to be friends with someone that seems kind of high maintenance is not really tenable for me.

so, wibta if i tried to let her down gently?

What are these acronyms?

[avfrisk]

A long time ago, couldnt find it for the life of me now, i saw this one comic that talked about how, themselves... people always liked them at first for how strange they where, something like that, but as time went on and the novelty wore off, they began to just get infuriated with them... i now see that, in a way, i've seen this happen to me... albight a bit different. lets make this clear, i am VERY mentally unstable, i dont lie about that, i've accepted that. im not normal, im pretty much unable to think normally. but im good at the barebones 'holding myself together', now as some people would know im good at making people laugh, i tend to be quick witted when it comes to humour and can keep the laugh's going alive for a long time... but then, when we actually start getting close, they begin to chip away past me only being a memelord, which is what i appear to be to most people... they begin to see how unstable i am, my mental illness, i tell them about things, my schizophrenia, the different people in my head. they occasionally see these in action, and some people, dont understand. they drift away or they just keep hardassing me until it becomes bland and im back into just being a pseudo-memelord now that i've run dry. at first, they ask questions or whatever, or are apprehensibly understanding, but as these issues pop up over time, they start to see it as a chore. no one has outright said this, but im good at deconstructing how people think, it's a gift, MANY times i've figured out EXACTLY what people are going to say or how they're going to react, rarely am i ever truly surprised. sometimes i say im surprised just to keep it going, but uh... you dont need to hear all about that, point is i can tell it's starting to become just. not worth it to them. i talk to them, 'is there something wrong? do you want me to hide these parts of myself from you?' they say no, nothing is wrong, but i feel them become more exasperated whenever anything happens regarding everything about me... and so, i stop. i type out things, then dont send them. i type entire long message's about how im mentally feeling when someone asks how i am, i ignore them, im pretty sure the person this was with at will never see this but just earlier today i think, someone asked me if i needed a hug, i said, 'i think i just need a moment to talk to you about my mental illness's without being judged and with being believed.' they never responded to that message, going on as if i never seen it. i occasionally think to talk about what the other people in me are thinking, i hear head person 1 say something (they are named, im just not exactly public about it), i hear head person 2 swearing his head off like always. i think of telling the person about it just as a funny remark... but i dont. as of right now, from the many MANY people i've seen over the year's and talked to online and everything: 3. 3 is the amount of people i've met who have let me stay how i am talking to them. those who can actually accept me. those who can 'handle' me. and im not even sure if i've properly told one of them about me before... point is, for the sake of all those like me. dont do it. if you cant handle us, dont lie, if you know beforehand and cant handle it and are just, curious or something. dont... when i finally trust you enough to open up to you. dont pretend you can do it when you know you cant. because i'll know too. i'll know.

(also thank you those who CAN handle me, and have stuck with me, you're probably the reason why i bother trying to keep myself together in the first place rather then letting myself fall.)

[nahalism]

for the past two days now, i have been feeling slightly off my normal frequency which manifested physically. i put a lot of pressure on myself to do better and get things right. just because i feel things are moving slow for me. i see people my age owning a car, being married, having children or in a relationship and i’m none of that yet. my career isn’t stable and i look after myself (all bills on me). it’s exhausting and almost embarrassing that i can’t save enough to cater for some of my needs. i have a degree and i’ve been applying for the right jobs, yet, nothing. i have a job. thankfully but the pay is just not enough.

how do you get out of a funk like this? how do you find peace with self when your life feels stagnant?

hey <3 something i read on here once that saved me was, 'your effort will not betray you'. it meant two things to me at the time. 1) if i stay true to my path & keep up the hard work, i will inevitably reap what i have sowed, (a comfort) 2) that what i reap is in direct relation to what i have worked toward (room for correction). it was a correction because i realised i needed to do more of what i wanted to see in my life, not more of what i thought it took to be the the kind of person who i imagined would have those things. (example) sometimes, we want to be in a relationship, so we work harder at work. the two dont tally, but we assume someone financially stable makes a good partner, so blindly double down on the wrong course of action. the reality is, someone financially stable, is someone financially stable. being a good partner is a different skillset with its own and separate requirements. as such, the best way to prepare for having a thing, is to do that thing. — peace comes from clarity. so your first step is to be clear on what is it YOU want (not where it is you think you should be). if your comparing, you're looking toward other people to gauge where you at, with no real conception of what the reality they face entails, which is dangerous, shortsighted and misleading. each of us has different start and finish points. the individual nature of the journeys were on also means we have different crosses to bare. if your going to compare another persons good, to your fully fleshed reality, you will always come up short. so, its best not to compare— but if you are going to do it, be sure to compare both the good and the bad. and(!!) be sure to remember that the same way the grass is greener for you elsewhere, is the same way your grass looks greener to someone else. if your now is not enough for you, more will only ever be more, not better. appreciate what you have today. make it part of your new beginning. (what you dont use, you lose). second, prioritise the things you want in order of priority, not preference. having one goal at a time helps reduce burn out and increases focus, which reduces the time span spent working on the goal. if you want to work on your finances and your career security, make it your sole focus for the next year. that means forget about cars, kids, marriage, and anything outside of your prioritised goal, for now. those other things will find you, but they need to take their proper order of priority, which means unless they seek you out and add to your outlined goal, your in no position to acquire them right now. — side note* realise, that your current independence is a freedom, not a burden. the same you that exists today, with kids and a car and a marriage, would have way more responsibility (so x10 the pressure to make things work with about 90% less of the time & flexibility to do so). use that current freedom to your advantage. an informed and intentional purchase, or marriage, or family, is so much better than one acquired as a goal post. don't be the person who wants something just to have it, be the kind of person who goes after things they can maintain. it will make the switch from independence to interdependence less prone to codependence <3

(now.. lol, for the question you actually asked), my first steps to get out of a funk are to clean the house top down, wash bedsheets, clothes & remake the bed. i order or reorder my space to order my mind. then i light candles or incense to set ambiance and to set intention. i shower. make tea and eat (also intentionally). maybe do my hair or something to my appearance that makes me feel more polished since i usually work in a bonnet and house clothes. then i journal or write, and let how im feeling out till i get to the root of why im feeling it (the outlet may be different for you, but whatever it is, the outlet should allow for you to be present with your thoughts and emotions, reflect on them, and process them). usually, doing house work clears some of the mental chatter so im ready to write/purge it out once im done. if i need more, or am just not ready to go back to work, i work out (skip/yoga, something to root me in my body), or i take a walk in nature. if i need something more cerebral than active, i look over my past work to get perspective. (usually our hard work is paying off, but as our skill level increases so do our expectations for what we should be producing. sometimes you just need a reminder of how far you've come in order to see the value of continuing forward). * also dont forget to put away the washing once it dries to get the full *house is clean* effect.

reading this back, i forgot to tell you — you have not been left behind by life. its not too late to share in all the things you might feel are rushing by you. open your heart to what your journey looks like, and not societies clock. you don't need me or my advice. you have all the answers within you, (and the capability to bring them to fruition!) focus on what will make you truly satisfied in this moment. perhaps you already have it. but regardless of if you do or don't, you should be proud of having brought yourself this far!! keep working hard, keep pushing yourself, but push with love & the knowledge that your capable and want to see your capabilities, not as your own bully, or a critic who thinks more is never enough. trust that your effort will not betray you, and that it will lead you to life experiences that make great stories. hindsight is for laughter, not regret. *big hug*

[imnotalive420]

Diary entry nr.2

Hi, guys it's me, again.

I am so sick of myself, I dont want to be concious, like i want to live bcs i dont rly like the thought of flat out kms but i hate being a human.

All my choices are bad ones and always end up biting me in the ass so FML.

Sometimes i wonder if i even have a single soul out there who will ever bother to check in on me. If i die, would anyone care? Someone probably will, ngl. Not that i am special from anyone else on this earth, im just saying i wont act all "Oh, no one cares abt me and i am soooo misrable and i cant live with myself and n o one would care abt me if i died, i would just be forgotten." like, wtv dude get over yourself, someone will care.

I feel like most of the people att school would stop saying shit about me...Or they would just keep calling me emo and shit and would probably just be even more annoying, they would make me roll in my grave. Actually, I dont really like the thought of being burried, idk creamation sounds nice? But im not completly opposed to it, it kinda phillosophical if you think abt it. Like, your phisical body being given back to earth while your soul roams around but can always come back to its home (the grave if it wasn't clear enough). Was that deep? I feel like it is, but if i ever expressed this my friends would never understand, they would be like "Ehhh, okay Smokey wtv you say buddy"

I dont even remeber how i started writing about that, anyway.

If someone is reading this, hi! Pls follow me, we could talk or wtv (Just be cool). I might be a bit akward though.

Anyway, i just want to get this off of my chest, I have these really scary dreams, I usually wake up and its a normal morning. I feel very heavy, in my arms you know? The strange thing about these dreams is that it never occurs to me that i can look down. Anyway, i make my way to school succesfully, and when i get there i am faced with teachers and students shoving, making fun of me and pulling my hair. Strangest part is that they start pushing me towards the toilets, finally i start walking by myself and my arms feel even heavier than before and i am about to pass out. I walk inside the stall, I sitt on the floor and i finally look down and see my arms bleeding, its a lot but i worsen it if you know what I mean.

Im scared of sleeping, i dont want it to get bad.

[cloudbrooksblog]

TRIGGER WARNINGS/content warnings: mentions of various commonly triggering things, descriptions of car-related triggers, many stupid "get over it" phrases that might be triggering if you're a victim of something, and also mentions of suicide, just read with caution ok?

yknow, I've been thinking about PTSD lately. Specifically people's reactions to me involuntarily displaying symptoms of it (dissociating, having flashbacks that make me cry, avoiding triggers, etc).

Most of this is from people who are related to my main abusers (my parents) but they don't react this way for no reason. They were raised in a culture that thinks this way.

The reactions are all similar: when I have an involuntary or instinctual response to triggers (like the ones I mentioned above), they say that I shouldn't let these things hurt me. Want a couple more specific examples, actually?

I avoid movies with car crashes and dissociate+sometimes have flashbacks when I hear tires or brakes screeching on the street. I start to shake if someone honks their horn near me, even in a parking lot. When I do this, INVOLUNTARILY (i cannot stress it enough), my brother will say that I let it bother me too much. Other assorted reactions I've gotten to this specific circumstance have been "you need to get over this one day", "you can't just avoid cars your whole life", and paraphrased, "you need to move on", "if this bothers you you'll never survive in real life", and "you're so dramatic".

That's just with car-related triggers for my PTSD. Don't get me started with sex jokes, cigarettes, talking about wanting to hurt children, etc. And DONT get me started about people's reactions to me wanting to cut off my family.

If I talk about any of that (when it naturally comes up, usually after questions about why I don't talk to certain people from members I'm about to cut off as soon as I don't have to depend on them,) the general reactions are that I'm like a ghost. Holding onto grudges that are just hurting me, that by holding onto them I'm hurting myself pointlessly, and that if i just *tried a little harder* I could live a much more peaceful and happy life. This is in reaction, let me remind you, to things like... me being uncomfortable around cigarettes. Me flinching when I hear sex jokes. Me leaving the room when people start talking about wanting to beat up kids and strangle them. I'm holding a grudge! I'll be encountering these things for the rest of my life!

That last one I get a lot, too. I'll be encountering these things for the rest of my life.

Let me tell you a secret. That's why I tried killing myself. That's why I've been to crisis facilities 6 different times. That's why I've made plans to move off-grid, to move to somewhere isolated, etc. But since I'm still right fucking here, obviously I'm not going to do any of that. So why point it out? Why point that out, as though it's not something you just WITNESSED my way of coping with?

Yes, I'll be encountering PTSD triggers the rest of my life. And every time I do, I will avoid them. That's why I don't buy into the whole "just try a little harder" angle. I'm not going to waste my time and my life trying to do that. This isn't a fear. This isn't a phobia. I don't sprint the opposite direction whenever a car honks and I'm walking on the sidewalk. I still have friends who smoke various things my abusers did. My PTSD still gets triggered by it, and I still get uncomfortable when they smoke. But you know what? They're my friends. They understand that and don't get annoyed at me for being uncomfortable. My friends who make sex jokes do it even though it makes me flinch because I've made it very clear: I'm going to react to them. It's not an insult. There's no need to feel bad. It's just nature.

When you tell me to get over it, it's NOT because you care. Convince yourself that it is, but listen closely: You're making it WORSE. And people with PTSD tell you that. And you ignore them, because you don't really care. Our PTSD just makes you uncomfortable and annoyed. It's inconvenient to think about and be around.

I'm not going to brute-force my way out of having triggers. It's just not happening. I'm going to have these involuntary responses. If you're my friend, you'll deal with it and understand the truth:

It's just nature :) deal with it. It's worse for me than it is for you, you selfish person.

[carpisuns]

hello! i saw your tags on that ''if you would be so kind as to reblog this if you feel insecure about your writing skills'' post, and i just wanted to say that i love your writing SO much!!! like.. all of your fics that ive read are so good!!!!!!!! whether youre aiming for a more silly, goofy vibe or heart-shattering angst you do it so well and im amazed at your talent!

''tell me something i dont know'' is one of my all time favourite fics and i remember how much i enjoyed reading it (and crying my eyes out at 2 am adjahsf), and ''where roses bloom'' absolutely broke my heart in the best way possible!! And i loved your collab fic with botherkupo, ''two idiots and a hamster'' SO much, i seriously had to try very hard not to laugh ahdjskdhf. OH and im not in the toh fandom, but i did read ''The Death-Defying Flirting Methods of Captain Willow Park'' and i really really enjoyed it!! like i said, you write both angst, humor and romance so well and your writing is such a beautiful mix of everything!

Youre one of my fav writers on here, and i think that no matter what your goals are for writing, they definetely leave a big impact on your readers- your fics have made me laugh, cry and quite frankly im obsessed with them! I know insecurities dont simply Vanish from one ask lol, but i hope you know how much you and your fics (AND your art and just. in general youre such a nice person) mean to me, and all your other readers! <3333333

I kept this in my inbox for a bit bc it’s just so kind and I didn’t know how to respond 🥺 and then I started answering but didn’t finished and saved it in my drafts and forgot SHSJSK anyway. Thank you so so much!!!!

i reblogged that post kind of in solidarity with other writers cause i know insecurity is something everyone deals with. it’s weird because I feel like at all times I’m simultaneously confident and insecure about my writing lol. I have enough experience/training that I know I can like put together sentences and paragraphs lol but I still fret over pacing and style and characterization and stuff like that a lot. the insecurities make me feel kind of silly bc I feel like at this point i should be over them!!! but I can’t help worrying about how my work will be received by the audience. i am always at least a little nervous to post something new, and sometimes I am very nervous! Cause I just don’t know if it’s gonna land the way I intended.

And the most frustrating part for me is when I read something REALLY good and sometimes feel like pouty and jealous I guess lol going “ugh I could never write like that! I should just give up!” I feel like such a baby!! but I get over it quickly and I’m sure I’m not the only one who falls victim to Pouty Little Binch syndrome. (I mean I hope I’m not the only one or that would be extra pitiful 😂)

Anyway it helps me to remind myself that it’s a good thing that I don’t write the same way my fav writers write! we all have our own ways of thinking and expressing ourselves, and even when we take inspiration from someone else, the Us-ness of our work is always gonna come through. If that makes sense. like if my fav writer is So-and-So, it’s really awesome and cool to enjoy the So-and-So-ness of their work and break down why I enjoy it so much and even incorporate some So-and-So-type flavors in my own writing, but at the end of the day my writing will always be full of carpisuns-ness and that’s cool too! I just think as creators we are so close to our own work and we’re so in the weeds about it that we don’t get a clear view of it like a reader does when they’re coming to it fresh, and that makes us sometimes judge it unkindly. More often than not, your work is better than you think it is. Sometimes when a creator I admire feels down about their work I just wish I could let them borrow my eyes and see it how I see it, because it’s really amazing and makes me feel so much!!

Anyway, I probably got off topic lol but I just wanted to shout out to all the writers who are feeling down about their work. You are doing amazing sweetie!! Better than you think. Dont stop writing.

this is seriously such a kind message and it means so much to me that you would take the time out of your day to write this! 🥺💜 people like you who go out of their way to make others feel good are such a treasure. Im glad you enjoyed those fics!! And that u even read one of my toh fics when you’re not in the fandom? aaaa I’m honored! Blowing u kisses

[jaeger-pups]

omegaverse!Zekeren : a touchy disagreement?

Z: look I understand if you're mad but you're being reckless at this point

Z: Answer your damn phone, Eren

Z: think. you're by yourself out there

E: I AM thinking! I just need some air, fuck

Z: You left almost three hours ago

E: so fucking what? Stop texting me

E: in case screening your calls isn't making it clear, I do not want to speak to you

E: either of you.

E: I can't believe you actually agreed w/ him

Z: for what it's worth, I genuinely didn't think i was picking a side. Or that it'd upset you this much

Z: Grisha made a valid point though

Z: whether you see it or not

E: See WHAT?? you and dad are NEVER on the same page

E: about ANYTHING!

E: you couldn't have picked a worst stance to get behind

Z: what, that you're not like typical omegas?

Z: I didn't agree w/ that to insult you

E: yea but that's what HIS whole aim was, I bet

E: to make me feel like shit🙄

E: really could've left my gender out of it

E: it's always a cheap shot idc

E: "dOnT yOu ThInK iT'll Be DiFFiCuLt FoR yOu To FiNd An AlPhA wHo'LL pUt Up wItH a TeMpEr LiKe YoUrS?"

E: "hOnEsTlY, eReN. yOu sHoUlDnT sPeAk To AlPhAs LiKe ThAt. YoU mAkE yOuRsElF a TaRgEt."

E: he's always making me out to be fucking different

E: like it's a bad thing

E: what if I don't WANT to be like other omegas?

E: what if I don't CARE what Alphas think of me?

Z: It's just complicated, little brother

Z: honestly I think Grisha's just concerned about you

E: ugh, what fucking world do we live in where you're suddenly willing to VOUCH for him?

E: this feels sexist af why are you not on my side?

Z: I am on your side, ffs Eren! I just agreed w him about your temper. Even I’VE told you to be more careful. Have I not?

Z: you need to come back home. I gave Carla my word i wouldn't leave before you got back

Z: or that I'd go out and find you if you took too long

E: I'm still annoyed

E: I probably need like another half hour or something out here at least

Z: How far did you storm off?

E: far enough where I could rage in peace?😒

Z: It's getting dark out.

E: mhm.

Z: Eren.

E: I mean are you trying to persuade me? Or is this more of a command-thing?

Z: I wouldn't command you. You know that.

E: not that you couldn't. 😒

Z: I wouldn't is what I said. I couldn't do that to you.

E: cus I'm an omega.

Z: well... yes. That's part of it.

E: see? Now there YOU go doing it

E: reducing me to my God damn gender

E: I can defend myself, yknow. I don't need anyone hovering over me in case I make myself anymore "undesirable" 😑

Z: no one said you're undesirable, Eren

E: it's close enough. The way HE gets on my case, at least 🙄

E: you have no idea how hard it is, Zeke

E: like no idea. It's so much simpler to be an Alpha. Or a Beta.

E: at least no one undermines your thoughts or opinions. Or makes you feel like your sole purpose is submission & pleasing everyone else.

Z: I know I can't understand. But I hear you.

E: it gets so fucking frustrating

E: he acts like I fucking chose this or something.

E: I'm more pissed at him than at you honestly

E: cus its just like... constantly w/ him.

Z: yeah.

E: you know what I mean?

Z: ...Yeah. yes, actually.

E: right, so... idk.

E: i don't hate being an omega. It's not like... unbearable. Dangerous and annoying sometimes but.

E: dad just... makes me feel like I do it wrong or something. HE’S not even an omega, so it's like how tf can he tell me how to handle it? How to behave, even.

Z: Sorry for not realizing it was a sore subject

E: it's fine ig.

E: I mean at least you guys agreed on something for a change

E: I'm trying to get better w/ my temper too. He just never notices when im doing pretty good

E: cus even though I think it's performative...

E: I mean... I can talk less. And do chores. And cook; clean.

E: I can be an omega the way people expect.

E: I'm not different on purpose.

Z: you're perfect.

Z: Grisha's just always had this tunnel vision w his expectations for his kids

Z: you don't have to meet anyone's standards but your own tho

Z: Carla and Grisha just worry.

E: yea I know.

Z: you still have to be careful out here too, though.

E: ...I know. Sorry i ran off.

E: I'm coming back now. Mom's probably thinking the worst.

Z: well you're not wrong lol. She was able to relax when i told her you were finally responding to me

E: ok. Could you meet me halfway? It is pretty dark out.

Z: 😏 started walking maybe five minutes ago.

E: lucky you're so intuitive, huh? Lol do you even know where I am?

Z: I'll find you, trust me

E: right, cus you're an Alpha? Must be nice😮‍💨

Z: bc I'm your brother. I could find you in my sleep

E: still. Must be nice being able to depend on instincts that aren't almost exclusive reminders to 'submit, cower and please'😕

Z: can't imagine.

E: ikr. I'm omw tho.

Z: alright. I'll meet you in the middle.

Z: stay on the trail though.

E: yeah yeah, big brother. I hear you. "Good omegas are indoors before the streetlights are on" and all. I know, I know.

Z: lol where'd you hear that?

E: Aunt Faye.

Z: haven't heard from her in a little while. Since New Years, I think

E: she talks to mom a lot. Asks about you, too

Z: I'll have to call and check in.

E: yea. but come get me first :<

Z: lol of course. i'm coming.

[thecolorfulloko]

its modelo time she said

the following takes place close enough to hear the waves break natural oils salt washed and golden skin sun baked our dirty heads soaking up the minerals together sinking into the water and drying out on the sand where the living breathing ocean spares us from going any further beached as it made for the shore stacks of buildings strand along the coast in one of many communities that carve into the edge of her country here ive headed for the summer already mistaken for a native she let me crash in her hammock introduced me to her circle i dont know why i fool myself everyone is only out to see her shes got connections all around the square social currency to get us into the best parties well spent on the most potent i can experience we’re polishing our third eyes picking up higher vibrations wiping away the clouds my mind has a clear view im looking down at the deep like a wellness retreat i found it making sense the rush in my heart when i hear the soul in her records beats to fall in love to what she produces is plentiful a shine she carries bright a glow to her face that reflects shes got the right idea and she really means it and im convinced of the magic she possesses its a potion given in small doses shes sweet as sapote now sometimes its her that i crave we sat on the curb in the plaza she promises she can heal me with herbs the right frequencies and meditation ritualistic methods of relaxation consuming ceremoniously proper respect for the dead before we kiss the especial we can reach the gods and make an offering our devotion through these spiritual interfaces reading from her book of hymns the goal is for the sermons to travel all throughout collective consciousness music is the best way to spread the word i asked for some recommendations she made me a sample worthy mixtape i saved it in my song machine a composer and singer, yours truly and i havent died yet just let me come up a little watch me turn the switch insert the tape set the levels on the EQ now we're talking we style like dub all-stars we've got creative control as long as we hold those crystals we can sustain and we can endure turning up the volume a little ghetto blasting the streets like this swimming through this heat even when the lights turn on up until then we were casual my gold under an open collar the short skirt for Milena my comments were at least respectful and we got down drunker than ever staying out late as we wanted restless legs in the night clubs frame by frame   flashes of her dancing closer to me then it got darker i was close to blacking out but from what i can remember the pitch was lower the tempo was slower i made the move she held on like i was saying goodbye her tears pressed against my cheek thats when she let go of my hand knowing we were more than friends i guess shes better off with her backup plan but her gentleman still bites his tongue and that girl looks cute with anyone even as her relationship began to stagnate a harsh contrast to the honeymoon phase it can be such an ugly feeling to betray Milena says she will love the best she can so this is how it ends and this is how i romanticize everything was perfect for a while everything was right when we were alone i returned still tripping on my feelings drifting in and out of regret staying awake to all of the noise in my head losing touch and recovering from the withdrawals a ways away and im near sighted shes out of focus a million miles from her and i was tempted to send my love but like all my former sidekicks the years passed and corrected dressing us definitely theres no going back and no more rewinding our soundtrack i stopped the tape and put in another   proud of myself for going this far being like i want everyday without a fantasy reality is a fruit ripe to eat oxygen is delicious repeating my affirmations until i fall sleep sometimes dreaming of Milena im swinging in that hammock carried away by the stars underneath my eyelids and i can still taste the sea on my lips

[skinnyravs]

Being mis-understood.

Do you ever get the feeling that people just Mis Understand you?

Like, you make a joke and they give you that vibe like: man you are an idiot. Or the times when you say something, and the reaction you get is someone if offended.

Well; I can tel you this happens to me. A lot. Why? I have no clue. I wonder if it has something to do with the different era I grew up in, or just the type of people i used to interact with that are either similar to me or different. But their different still made it easier to mingle.

I know, that I am not the most social person, ever. Like it is a struggle. I am just naturally very shy, very timied and very sometimes I guess you can cal it...off?

I have always seen myself as the silent, observant type that takes it all in and makes up her own mind. Yes sure I may judge but that's because I can only go off what I see. me and talking and being social is not a thing. So its quite a crappy thing that other poeple can do that easily and I'm stuck in the whole eh i dont wanna be social at all. Perhaps this is a bad thing but maybe it isn't.

Not everyone is going to be the social type. Some of us, like me just wanna do stuff and not talk to much and enjoy. Maybe that is why i seem like such a recluse or perhaps come off as being a little arrogant. Trust me, it is not on purpose. I reckon it is simply a personality trait.

Another thing I make very clear ot people is that, I am not going withstand bullshit. From anyone. There was a time, growing up I just ignored shit be it in school and even sometimes work. I would just be like eh whatever. But over the years I could see that a lot of people took advantage of that and I jsut had enough. Eventually, when you work in a medical feidl you come across some ass holes,a nd there are two things happen. - Either stand up for yourself or - let them continue to talk down to you.

Eventually i wasn't having that ad I started to bite back. Sometimes maybe more then I could chew, but I certainly think that was a big thing for me. I didn't want to take a back seat. Sometimes, I think I had always been wanting to just tell people where to go.

My family's history (and it is not a nice one by the way) is what also led me to just be a total bitch sometimes. And if you knew the whole story you might get an idea why sometimes I am.

It is fair to say I am a big believer in standing up and saying what I think. I can be wrong or right it doesn't matter if you are wrong. Sure, the flip side of it, is if you don't like something don't say it. I do also believe that too. But there will be certain situations where; you know what, say it don't hold back. LOL, funny how that is the title of the whole blog as a whole. DON't HOLD BACK. And I mean that.

Just because I ask someone not to do something should not be immediately taken as: Oh she is trying to control me.If I am telling you I do not like what you are doing its because I don't like it and think its inappropriate. How that can be seen as control .makes no sense. There is quite a big difference between: Please don't do this I don't appreciate it. isn't that being polite and not control?

I'm finding this hard to explain; but recent events came up and I have asked for stuff to be stopped. I jsut don't like it and yet it is still being down. For me it is like a total lack of respect for a request. Apparently Im not allowed to do that, because people are saying I'm being rude, controlling and giving htem order. haha...um...what?

If someone came up to me and said: Don't write this and post is. I will ask why amd if they gave me a good reason Id be like: ook i understand your view here but please understand that this needs to be said. And they can either go: oh all right that's ok you explained it that's if ein. Or they could be a total ass hole and say: your an idiot just shut up and move on.

I'm so tired, of everything I say, or do is always being taken the wrong way. Makes me sad that I can never truely be myself anymore and this it just leads to a lot of frustration, anger and disappointment. I, just wanna be able to be myself again. Like I used to be. I lost that along th way because nobody seems to try and understand my point of view anymore. Yet i seem to be the only one trying to work shit out.

It sucks.

[just-jae]

Random art block tip mabey?

Uh, so. If you ever feel like you can't come up with anything worth making (Like, the idea itself lacks substance or intrigue) try finding an artist you really like, or even aspire to be like, and write a detailed explanation of what you want them to make.

Dont actually send them this, keep it for yourself.

But I've on multiple occasion found that I feel too unskilled or visionless, and end up considering commissioning someone to make something for me. In the process of typing out what I want, or just thinking about what I want, I suddenly find myself wanting to make it myself :'D

It doesn't have to be pretending to commission someone, but sometimes artblock is just a visualization issue. It's not that you're not motivated, but that ideas that interest you aren't clear enough to act on.

Describing it like its for someone else, especially without feeling you must stick to a pattern ("well i usually make comics, draw dogs," etc) or be limited by what you've pulled off before, can open doors on what you even consider an option and give your hands a mission to fulfill.

For example: "I'd like a drawing of these two characters observing eachother. It's a tall canvas with a somber atmosphere, Soft edges to the characters I'd like something dreamy feeling, like a fuzzy, whispy look with dark blues and violets."

You've just opened up a clear path for your art to take and allowed yourself to indulge in details you're interested in, not just what you've done before.

[kgerbertt]

[text: leon] pretty much, there’s no pleasing them. i'm sure you know that well enough from your own experiences, and your mom's. it's silly but ig whatever sells. like i said they latch onto anything this time of year. ok ok i see your point. i'm just more concerned about people i care about than myself when it comes to that stuff idk. [text] yeah? why do i need to talk to connor then? i've tried anyway, he won't talk about stuff. no but you said it'd be better or whatever

[txt]; i do know that, moreso from my own experience because anyone with a keyboard is a journalist now, it comes from all angles. just gotta keep tunnel vision sometimes, truthfully. but that unfortunately makes way too much sense, sucks still. you dont want to let your 'people' down. been there.

[txt]; it's like you said, you're more concerned about the people you care about than yourself. that's not a dig, it's commendable. I think i relate even more now to a degree, actually. so you should be focusing on the team and your dynamics and connor or whoever?. I don't exactly know how hockey teams...function? Especially not during a game, but i assume stuff off the ice effects it all, too? its beating a dead horse at this point but this whole situation was messed from the start, we both have said this? hes made it clear he's so not cool with us even being friends so..why keep it up? Concentrate on the team and this chace at the cup i can only assume means the most to you, with good reason. definitely not feeling bad about me being worried or whatever the case may have been. That's what I guess I've been trying to say.

@leondrat29

[teacusp]

Feeling some type of way about roommate sitch.

Earlier today came downstairs to find that my roommate's boyfriend (possibly my roommate? but unclear) ate all the leftovers in the fridge, including mine.

Most were from a meal we all shared (bulk of ingredients provided by roommate, but we tend to trade off shared meals), but I had also made something else for myself with my stuff on a different day.

I had noted the other day, when I wasnt sure I would be around this week, that the leftovers needed to be eaten before they went bad, and included mine in that. But then I did end up being around after all....and I was looking forward to finishing my small thing of leftovers for lunch today.

Realizing in real timethis afternoon I have unspoken opinions about finishing/taking the last of something offered (or at least asking) (and esp if there was any kind of time gap...)

idk. I guess I have kind of a weird relationship with food anyway, and my roommate is diabetic, so we have had a pretty good understanding between us. Like she would be upset if I finished her dietary specific meal prep etc etc so I dont usually worry? I do struggle with leftovers sometimes my offers are typically genuine when I make them.....but might have to start being more careful?? Because I found myself upset when they were gone.

I guess I also offered with the thought that there was about 3-6 meals worth (to my estimation) of leftovers in the fridge to get through before mine, and that my roommate would certainly go for those first, or at least check with me before finishing the last of Anything......but I guess there was actually just One meal 😂.........I dont know how tall people keep up in life.........

Anyway, I was thrown off from lunch - I was supposed to have a pretty solid lunch, be pretty full, and was just planning to struggle meal a bit for dinner to fill the gap. Except I had to struggle lunch (and used a bunch of back-up ideas) and was also still Starving....but was unsure about dinner plans. My roommate was working from home today and we sometimes coordinate portions of dinner if were both around during the week....

We had also been discussing weekend grocery plans because Roommates family is going to be here for Easter.

Come down and Roommate and BF had gone to the grocery store and looked to be cooking a specific recipe. Still unclear if I would be included or if i should figure something out.

Usually I would just assume not and grab a snack or something but Im hungry enough I cant really do that, I need to cook something. Also however, Roommate really doesn't appreciate more than a limited amount of people being in the kitchen, even if we would be sharing food.

So I was basically hanging around downstairs on my phone as they cooked - beautiful chicken dish with more than enough (to me) - and a couple different pretty clear indications that this was not intended for me (using possessive words/language, offering some things but never to me, making plans for leftovers etc etc) - I have a big thing about not asking to be included and think this was pretty clear and completely okay.......but also I would then still need the kitchen to make whatever I could figure out for myself and would need to wait for them to be done :|

9pm making the saddest little instant rice, last of my frozen "orange" chicken, and a half handful of kale leaves.

Like christ I know I'm a little fucked up about food but today just felt like.....

idk. I was supposed to hear from a job with an offer letter early this week so I could re-sign the lease here, but heard today the main hiring manager has been out sick so things are delayed....I'm supposed to confirm by the end of the month with the landlord whether Im staying or not and if I dont lock in this job I dont think I can. But also christ days like these I just....🥳

[pesterloglog]

Roxy Lalonde, John Egbert, Harry Anderson Egbert

Candy, page 38

ROXY: sup john

ROXY: long time no see

ROXY: well alright then pal

ROXY: i do believe u know the way to the living room

JOHN: yeah, yep.

JOHN: thanks.

JOHN: sorry for staring like an idiot.

JOHN: it’s...

JOHN: i just got done with a whole week of feeling weird about hanging out in my dad’s old house again.

JOHN: I kind of forgot to think about how it would be surreal coming back here, too.

JOHN: some kind of nostalgia whiplash, i guess.

ROXY: fair enough yo

ROXY: harry andersons out if u were wonderin

ROXY: hell scoot back home later so if you make it thru round 1 of awkward ex-family convos im happy to say you can be rewarded with another

JOHN: oh, cool.

JOHN: i’d like to see him, if…

JOHN: if it’s okay with both of you.

ROXY: ya we chatted bout it

ROXY: but like i said

ROXY: one thing at a time

ROXY: lets me n u tear this ol egbert/lalonde estrangement band-aid right the fuck off n see what we got goin on underneath it

JOHN: sounds like a plan.

JOHN: so, uh.

JOHN: i’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently.

JOHN: and i’ve realized some things.

JOHN: some stuff that involves you and some that doesn’t, but all things i think you deserve to know.

JOHN: whew.

JOHN: ok lemme think where to start...

JOHN: you know how jake left jane?

JOHN: i mean, i assume you know.

JOHN: though, uh, no offense, but jane’s version might be...

JOHN: skewed.

ROXY: oh lmao nah i didnt hear it from janey

ROXY: harry anderson filled me in on wat he got thru the teen grapevine

JOHN: oh!

JOHN: are you guys not...

JOHN: nevermind.

JOHN: i’m sorry, i came to apologize for my shit, not pry into your business.

JOHN: we don’t have to talk about jane if you don’t want to.

ROXY: janey n me havent been super tight of late

JOHN: ah.

JOHN: what about politics not coming between friends and all that?

ROXY: lmao well turns out sometimes someones politics make it p clear what kind of friends they value

ROXY: or dont

ROXY: and idk sometimes people you used to like when you were a teen grow up to be assholes or w/e!!

ROXY: i think i was clingin to somethin just to prove to myself that i was doin stuff right

ROXY: ol rolal

ROXY: hella normal

ROXY: v good at sticking with friends

ROXY: the more i thought abt it the more i figured holdin on to that one thing made me lose out on some other shit

ROXY: u might relate

JOHN: haha, you got me there i guess.

ROXY: anyways

ROXY: im not tryna take up all ur big speech time w/ my stuff

ROXY: you were tellin me about how jake n janey finally went splitsways and how it gave you some kind of epiphany

JOHN: no, it’s cool!

JOHN: i’m glad to hear it.

JOHN: we can come back to your shit after my shit, maybe.

JOHN: but yeah, jake, he uh...

JOHN: he and tavros are living with me now.

JOHN: i think for the foreseeable future. we were expecting jane to have kind of a fit about it, but all we’ve gotten so far are some divorce papers.

JOHN: if she knows where jake is and she hasn’t had a drone fleet dispatched to nuke my house off the planet i think that’s a good sign she’s actually just letting them go?

JOHN: which is kind of surprising, but, uh. good, i guess.

ROXY: ok ill b the first 2 admit that janes turned into kind of a jerk lately but u no shes not actually like

ROXY: literally evil

ROXY: lol

JOHN: that’s debatable!

ROXY: sry to disappoint but janes just a person and you cant actually blame her for everything that went wrong in our marriage like i was her helpless thrall or somethin

JOHN: that’s not what i was saying...

ROXY: ok neither of us came here to argue about janey did we

JOHN: you’re right. let’s just not talk about her.

ROXY: yea

JOHN: anyway...

JOHN: i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how things got to be like they are.

JOHN: i guess i’ll just come out and say it.

JOHN: i completed fucked up your entire life.

JOHN: i’m not going to pretend like there are two sides here. it’s my bad, totally.

JOHN: like, not just what happened to our marriage, though it’s also true that that’s completely my fault.

JOHN: but even before that...

JOHN: i think i fucked up on just this massive, fundamental level, and it’s what i did—

JOHN: or, well, what i didn’t do—

JOHN: that caused every stupid bullshit thing about the way this world is.

JOHN: none of this was supposed to be this way.

JOHN: honestly, it doesn’t feel right that we got married at all, does it?

JOHN: your life was heading in this whole other direction with callie, and i just...

JOHN: i dunno. i just kind of took that from you.

JOHN: i think i ended up taking a lot of decisions from a lot of people.

JOHN: everything took a backseat to what i wanted.

JOHN: whatever cosmic significance the lives here do or don’t have, all the pointless suffering i’ve created is... inhumane. and—

ROXY: oh nah ill stop u rite there my man

ROXY: im sorry john ilu but this is some hot steamin horseshit

JOHN: what?!

ROXY: its some real jerkoff emoji stuff is all im sayin!!

ROXY: you think you choice mattered so much that no one elses could measure up?

ROXY: n then what

ROXY: did u get what u wanted?

ROXY: did your life end and the points got tallied and you came out on top or like what?

ROXY: still p much seems like were movin to me

ROXY: and you sure dont seem like ur winnin so wheres all this good shit you got that you gotta go around handin out apologies for?

ROXY: also damn dude while were at it!!

ROXY: u forgot to actually say sorry in that apology!

JOHN: no, i didn’t — i just meant...

JOHN: i’m sorry for fucking up your life, or making it not—

ROXY: i like my life!!!

ROXY: i mean it aint perf and i got my share of fuckups n mistakes in there but you dont get to tell me its fucked up

ROXY: or that it isnt real or somethin

ROXY: its mine!

ROXY: i mean i felt... somethin i guess

ROXY: but its not just you

ROXY: youve never been the only player in this game u kno

ROXY: do u not remember who all was there when this all kicked off?

ROXY: me n callie wouldna told u u had a choice if it was all just some meaningless bs

ROXY: its not like i was ever some master seer of all that ever was or will be but i do know a lil bit abt what coulda gone down if things were different

ROXY: and u know what

ROXY: i like the way things turned out just fuckin fine

ROXY: so maybe u could stop wastin precious eternity thinkin ur so special that its ur fault everyones not perfectly happy

JOHN: i just kept wanting to find ways to make everything make sense, you know?

JOHN: but maybe it just fucking doesn’t.

ROXY: i know we became grownups in a world built specifically n cosmically for us

ROXY: so i get wanting to find a pattern in everything

ROXY: but not everything has 2 b that deep

ROXY: n when u think abt it

ROXY: lookin at it that way, like evrythin has to be this elaborately purposeful heroic design to be worthwhile

ROXY: is actually p shallow

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: yeah, i guess.

JOHN: i’m sorry. it’s just so hard to not feel like a total asshole.

JOHN: maybe i’m not some grand vizier of destroying time and space or whatever.

JOHN: but we KNOW that there’s a canon timeline out there.

JOHN: and it seems really obvious to me that we aren’t in it anymore.

ROXY: so what

JOHN: “so what”???

ROXY: yea

ROXY: so what

ROXY: tf do i care that theres some other reality out there some1 arbitrarily decided was the “real” one

ROXY: whats that have to do with the life i have now

ROXY: what is there actually that makes this one mean less than that one to the ppl who r actually in it

JOHN: you never feel like it would’ve been better if things had gone a different way?

JOHN: magic or no, i could have done a lot differently, for you especially.

JOHN: stuck around, or... fuck.

JOHN: stayed out of your way to begin with.

JOHN: let you and callie do your thing, or do whatever it was you seemed to be headed off to do.

JOHN: i just didn’t expect it to be me, after...

ROXY: nah dont say that

ROXY: i mean i accept ur apology this time but

ROXY: theres obvs all kinds of ways shit coulda gone

ROXY: and tbh back then

ROXY: with her...

ROXY: mostly i think i just wanted to do stuff right

ROXY: not that i knew wtf that even meant lmao

ROXY: which was prob the problem lmao lmao lmao

ROXY: just like

ROXY: we had this big fresh as hell start at bein people!

ROXY: i had all these conflictin thoughts abt how to be me in the first place

ROXY: like what it meant to date a beautiful skull alien

ROXY: sexualitywise and genderwise and person in generalwise

ROXY: for a while there i didnt know if i wanted ppl to think of me as a woman at all

JOHN: ah, i didn’t know.

JOHN: well, i guess maybe i wondered?

JOHN: but the way young idiot me would have wondered, so not that deeply.

JOHN: and it seemed like you’d forgotten all about it when we got together.

ROXY: i hadnt forgotten about it

JOHN: do you want to talk about it...?

ROXY: i coulda told you then but i kinda felt embarrassed abt flip floppin with my identity i think

ROXY: mean it isnt like i grew up with big airquotes society tellin me what was right n wrong like u did

ROXY: so it wasnt any kind of shamefest

ROXY: just a lot of abstract hypotheticals wed only just started talking about and never got very far into

ROXY: just idk i thought i might do things one way but then i stopped hangin out with callie as much

ROXY: its not like i stopped thinkin abt it

ROXY: or her

ROXY: but it never rly came up with anyone else and i didnt rly feel like i could talk abt it with you so i never brought it up again

JOHN: i’m really sorry you felt that way, roxy.

ROXY: its ok its not ur fault

JOHN: but you don’t regret it?

JOHN: not going for that stuff, and instead just... marrying me?

JOHN: i’m not asking so you can absolve me, i’m just impressed.

JOHN: how do you not second guess every choice you make?

ROXY: i havent stuck my head in the timeline vortex like u have so i dunno what its like to see other options

ROXY: i just do things the best way i think to do em and then shrug n hope it works out?

ROXY: i dont think i can regret anything

ROXY: theres not only one right way to be me imo

ROXY: i like the me i am

ROXY: its not like i went n decided “actually hell ya love to be a woman n do all the shit on the woman checklist”

ROXY: i get that thats prob what it looks like outside of my own self but i dont care abt that

ROXY: sorry lol im not good at this whole explainin what transpires in my brain thing

ROXY: idk this life ive been livin gave me harry anderson

ROXY: that kinda outweighs anything else just for me personally

ROXY: n its not like i ever totally quit thinkin abt that gender stuff

ROXY: i just found a different way to work it out than maybe i was originally gonna

ROXY: i...

ROXY: but lmao john were just adults

ROXY: were not dead!

ROXY: idk i mean were only what... barely middle aged in regular human years?

ROXY: we got all kinds of hypothetical but still prolly finite eternity to work our shit out

ROXY: who tf knows

ROXY: its not like you figure out who you are when youre 23 and then the rest of ur whole life is just sittin back watchin ur shit fall apart or not

ROXY: i mean maybe thats been it for u so far

JOHN: haha. ouch.

ROXY: i just dont think im anywhere near done buildin those roxy self actualization train stops

ROXY: who the fuck can say how many more i got lined up

ROXY: same goes for u

ROXY: if youre willing to look at this life as more than a cosmically pointless dead end failure that is

JOHN: i guess...

JOHN: there’s literally nothing to do but keep moving forward.

JOHN: i may as well not be a big fucking downer about it if i don’t have to be.

ROXY: thats the spirit

ROXY: weve got a million billion lifetimes ahead of us john

ROXY: u dont even KNOW all the ways u got left to fuck up in!!

ROXY: hows that for some inspiration??!

JOHN: it’s...

JOHN: it’s pretty fucking inspirational, roxy.

JOHN: thank you for trusting me with this personal stuff.

JOHN: i know partly you were telling me all that to kick my sadsack ass, but i know you don’t talk about this kind of thing every day.

ROXY: to be real i hadnt even let myself think abt it every day

ROXY: so thanks for lettin me ramble at u out loud instead of just almost thinkin abt it once every few years

JOHN: i guess sometimes it takes hearing the same shit over and over until it sticks.

JOHN: that’s mostly an own on myself by the way.

ROXY: lmao were just rippin off those bandaids left n right over here

ROXY: a coupla professional issue discussers

JOHN: yeah, i’m frankly baffled by how fucking good we are at this?

JOHN: where was this when we sucked so hard at being married?

ROXY: buried under a shocking number of issues is my guess

JOHN: well, it’s nice to throw a few off, for once.

ROXY: feel free to communicate with me instead of spendin the next 300 years in a silent prison of your own making if u so desire

JOHN: hey harry anderson.

JOHN: it’s really, really good to see you.

JOHN: do you wanna go for a drive?

HARRY ANDERSON: yeah, dad.

HARRY ANDERSON: that could be cool.

[krs724490]

1.5.2024

so much grace to the girl who wants alani so that she can feel optimistic. so she can feel brighter, happier.

so much grace to the girl who is coming off of sickness. when she needed to be in survival mode and there was no space to reach for the stars.

grace to the girl who loves a boy. and craves approval from him.

grace to the girl who wants to be seen, all parts of her.

grace to the girl who doesn't know how to show herself to the world. is unsure of how to speak in her authentic voice. who has yet to stand confidently in her uniqueness.

grace to the girl who does not know how she is doing. when rayna texts her asking, she can't tell if she's amazing or on the brink of collapse because it feels like both. and she's unsure why the emotion is so extreme.

grace to the girl who sits in an old story that is high ride. love to her for finding a more meaningful path. love to her for still trying her best to show up.

grace to the girl who hasn't moved fully and healthily, consistently in weeks.

grace to the girl who is trying so damn hard. too damn hard. to sort it all out and move forward, only to realize all the trying is equivalent to running on a hamster wheel that goes nowhere.

grace to the girl who wants it so badly, but hasn't tasted it consistently yet.

grace to the girl who isn't content with her body right now. I understand that sometimes it feels like a big ask to love a body that you mistreated. but I invite you to recognize that there is not a single thing that has happened that hasn't brought you closer to god.

grace to the girl who feels like she's on a psychotic break. who feels like her actions are erratic and emotional, possibly misunderstood to the average observer. finally I understand being bipolar or having a mood disorder. it all bubbles up and its hard to say where from.

grace to the girl who sits in the middle of so many transitions but has nothing concrete to take action on yet.

grace to the girl who wants to drink the elixir of life so badly. to bathe in its depths with reckless abandon, so much so that she makes rash decisions, speaks too soon, acts too soon. gets so excited that she makes herself sick. dont you see that its all energy? all positive, intense, beautiful energy coursing through you? it is not to be controlled, it is not to be tamed. let it move you. let it move through you. let it make you honest, open, bold. you can't afford not to be anymore.

I know you're scared, scared that you'll scare him off. with a bigger personality, with more confidence. I think I see a new shadow side emerging of saying heavy things casually, without thinking about how much they may impact others. I dont know where it came from, my tendency to share the depths of myself. I think its because I know that vulnerability builds bridges but I also know there is a difference between being vulnerable in order to get people to like you vs being vulnerable from a place of true sharing. I'm sad to admit I think most if not all of my times of vulnerability have come from the place of trying to create sympathy or connection. Maybe I sent the essay too soon, and didn't give enough of a trigger warning.

I suppose I'm an external processor, I need to bounce everything off of others all the time. Im exhausting my damn self. and poor graham gets to catch all of my neurotic tendencies. This weekend my prayer is to be slow to speak and eager to listen.

suddenly I'm so tired. I wish we had a big blanket at this studio. so I could put myself down.

I had hoped to finish my 2024 intention setting, but I worry I'm still not in a clear headed place to give it what it deserves. I can't wrap my head around all thats happened but I do think it would be helpful to say it in a voice note to rayna.