#sometimes bro isn’t perfect and that’s fine it’s not the end of the world he’s still sharl leclerc 😭

[superm4ks]

I rant so much to my sibling about how fucking idol coded Charles is and you can see it translate into the whole chirlie empire. The putting on the pedestal, super fucking parasocial vibes, feeling like you are owned their time and energy, thinking that you have a say about their dating life (also the vilification of Alex when we literally don't know shit about her) and he also kind of promotes it by not adding any boundaries "i will sign everything please don't ring the bell of my house" (like that is so idols being unable to tell creeps to fuck off because their companies want the money)

Other drivers have fans too and privacy issues come up now and again but it's just another level of shit with Charles that just keeps reminding me of the insanity of the k-pop circles

EXACTLYYY exactly exactly u described it perfectly. Especially that whole ig story politely asking people not to stalk him like bro tf u mean 'please dont come to my house😃' ... that was such idol behavior it was so scary. At least it seems he finally got some security. Listen f1 on this app is what it is but f1twt is another level some of those sharl pages are fr just repurposed army. I don’t think he ‘promotes’ it, it’s just the way he is yk he’s comfortable in front of cameras and he’s naturally very pleasant and charming and there’s nothing wrong wid that. Ferrari was always gonna be the hybe/kpop noise marketing team they just needed 2 young baddies to exploit and now they have them 😭

[number1jaymerrickhater]

Marble Hornets sleep headcannons bc I’m bored in math class

Jay

Jay is the type of guy who can sleep anywhere, at any time. It doesn’t matter where, when, or how uncomfortable the position is if he wants to sleep he will.

In college Jay was kinda known for being found sleeping in weird spots. At least once Alex found him passed out in a closet.

Definitely a stomach sleeper.

Despite being able to sleep in the loudest conditions (he could sleep next to a highway and be fine) he can’t sleep if its too quiet.

He’s so used to noise that he just can’t sleep in a silent room.

Doesn’t snore but will talk in his sleep.

And not just random mumbles bros having whole ass conversations with himself while he’s asleep

Alex records it to use as blackmail material because he finds it funny

Alex

Alex is the complete opposite

He needs 12 blankets, 4 pillows, and the perfect amount of background noise in order to sleep

One of those blankets is definitely a weighted one

Unless he passes out from pure exhaustion he can not fall asleep in a moving vehicle

Side sleeper, he doesn’t have a specific side he sleeps on but generally prefers to sleep with his back to a wall.

Bro is fighting demons in his sleep or something because jesus fucking christ does he move

Sometimes shoots of Marble Hornets would run late and everyone would just crash in Alex’s living room slumber party style.

Even though it was his house Alex would still join in sleeping on the living room floor bc friend bonding and shit he also would have felt like an asshole if they all slept on the floor and he slept in his bed

Everyone quickly learned not to sleep next to Alex unless you wanna deal with him kicking your ass while you sleep.

Alex would obviously feel bad and apologize but that didn’t stop them from mildly bullying him about it.

Tim

Tim sleeps like the dead.

He has insomnia so falling asleep is hard, but once he’s out he’s OUT

Nothing short of a world ending event could wake him up once he falls asleep.

This meant he was usually stuck sleeping near Alex because no amount of kicking could ever wake him up

He isn’t loyal to any sleeping position. He rotates like a hot dog when he’s trying to fall asleep.

He snores.

Not super loudly or anything but loud enough for it to be noticeable.

He isn’t a huge fan of blankets because he doesn’t like feeling trapped or confined.

He sleeps with a single thin blanket, a single pillow, and thats it.

Him and Alex get into frequent debates over how many blankets is the correct amount.

“What the fuck are you doing with 8 blankets? How do you not suffocate?”

“Well how do you not freeze to death under your single blanket that’s thinner than dollar store toilet paper?”

“Its called heat, its this fancy new invention you turn on to keep your house warm.”

“It’s not just about warmth its about being comfortable. How can you be comfortable with one blanket.”

He sets a million alarms in order to wake up in the morning

Brian

His sleep schedule is so normal its disturbing.

He gets exactly 8 hours every night, goes to bed and wakes up at the same time 7 days a week.

Sleeps on his back with his arms on at his sides.

Doesn’t move, doesn’t snore, he just lays there.

Multiple people have made jokes about him looking like a corpse when he sleeps

He is one of those weirdos who actually goes to sleep and wakes up refreshed???

Can not stay up late.

If he needs to pull an all nighter for something he needs an entire pot of coffee because once it hits a certain time his body just clocks out on him.

He got his body on such a good schedule that he doesn’t even set an alarm anymore, he just naturally wakes up on time

He didn’t get a healthy sleep schedule of his own free will, he’s just the type of guy who can’t function if he gets less than 8 hours

Drools in his sleep.

[baileypie-writes]

Oh my god, PreCure x Reader blogs exist?????? You are so cool, bro!

Anyway, could I kindly ask for Westar x Reader headcanons? Maybe with a short reader if that fits with your blog rules? Otherwise just general dating headcanons are fine. Tysm.

I've never sent asks to writer blogs before so I'm sorry if it sounds pushy/demanding. Have a nice day/night/afternoon/morning/evening!

A/N ~ Thank you so much for your kind request! I love Westar so much, he’s one of my favorite villains. I’ll do general dating headcanons, with a mention of a short reader. I usually like for the reader’s appearance to not be mentioned, so that anyone can read it. But there are some exceptions. I hope you like it!

~Westar Dating Headcanons~

~~~🍩~~~🍩~~~🍩~~~

Fandom: Fresh Pretty Cure!

Fanfic Type: Headcanons

Reader: Gender neutral

Relationship: Romantic

Characters Included: Westar

Genre: Fluff

Word Cound: 864

Warnings: kinda cringe, Westar being dumb, Westar being whiney, mention of Westar being aggressive(not towards Reader)

~Masterlists~

~Fresh Pretty Cure! Masterlist~

~~~🍩~~~🍩~~~🍩~~~

~ It’s no mystery that Westar isn’t the smartest guy in the world. So when he likes you, he doesn’t even know it. Despite this, he unknowingly acts very affectionate towards you. So much so, that there were multiple occasions where people have mistaken you as a couple.

~ If you don’t want to wait months(or possibly years) for him to realize his feelings and confess, you’ll have to do it. When you do, he’s shocked. You ask him if he feels the same, and at first he wants to say no. You’re just his best friend! Someone he loves more than anyone else. Someone he loves hanging out with. Someone he can’t stand being away from. Someone he loves getting hugs from. Someone he thinks about giving kisses to- wait a minute. You eventually have to ask him if he’s okay, after not responding for a good 20 seconds.

~ Westar loves showing off(or trying). He’s very strong and quite muscular, and it’s something he’s very proud of. So he’ll use any chance he gets to show off. Is that box too heavy for you? No problem! He can lift it with one hand! Tired of walking? He’ll gladly carry you! However, sometimes his attempts at impressing you backfire, and he ends up making a fool of himself.

~ Westar also loves talking about you! He loves you, and thinks you’re the most amazing person ever, and he’s not shy about it. He talks about you any chance he gets. He talks about your talents, and how you’re the best at what you do. If someone mentions one of your interests or hobbies, it causes him to start rambling about you. Soular and Setsuna already know everything about you before you even met them, because Westar constantly talks their ears off about you.

~ If you’re shorter than him, he thinks you’re the cutest thing ever(not that he wouldn’t think so otherwise). He loves it when you ask for help with getting something off the top shelf, he likes that he can be helpful to you. He does tease you sometimes, but never in a mean way. He’s just being playful. He also uses you as an arm rest a lot. He doesn’t even do it intentionally. It’s just that you’re right there, and the perfect height.

~ Westar has no shame when it comes to PDA. He won’t hesitate to give you a hug or kiss if he feels like it. He couldn’t care less if there are people around. You’re his partner, so why shouldn’t he give you affection? If it makes you uncomfortable though, he’ll save it for when you guys are alone. Also, just so you know, Westar gives the best bear hugs. No one can change my mind on that.

~ He can be a big baby sometimes. If something doesn’t go his way, or Soular was being mean to him again, or maybe he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, you’ll know about it. He’s very whiney when he’s upset, and you’re one of the only things that can help him feel better, so good luck. When he gets like this when you’re not around, he’ll go looking for you. When he finally finds you, his moods changes immediately. It’s like he wasn’t even upset in the first place.

~ He has a big heart, so he’s very caring. But he’s also very emotional. When you cry, he cries. When you get hurt, he cries. You give him a gift, he cries. He adores you so much, that it makes him overwhelmed. Unfortunately, he doesn’t always cry as a reaction. If someone caused you harm, or hurt your feelings, he’ll hunt that person down(and I’m not exaggerating) So unless you want them in the hospital, you’ll have to physically stop him.

~ Westar has a little notebook where he writes down everything he learns about you. It started out as just basic things, like your birthday or favorite food, just in case he forgot. But soon, he started writing down anything new he learned. He does this because he wants to remember every detail about you. Your current interests, your favorite bands, your allergies, your fears, everything is in that notebook. And it’s surprisingly organized. He brings it everywhere, and it’s constantly being updated.

~ He’s a very cuddly guy. He didn’t even know he was until you initiated it for the first time. After that, he was addicted. He loves the warmth and comfort, and of course being close to you. If you’re too busy, or refuse his cuddles, he’ll become real pouty.

~ Westar can’t cook, but he tries so hard. He loves the process, but it just never turns out great. He once tries making donuts, but they turned out as thin, black rings that crumbled when you tried to pick them up. You offered to help him get better at cooking, and he was so happy! It soon became a routine to cook dinner together, and it’s his favorite part of the day! He does get upset when the food doesn’t turn out great, but he keeps trying. Eventually, he does get better, and there are less failures.

~~~🍩~~~🍩~~~🍩~~~

~~baileypie-writes

[moviewarfare]

A Review of “The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023)”

Nintendo has decided to give another attempt after the disastrous 1993 live-action Super Mario Bros movie. Super Mario is a huge part of my childhood, so I was thrilled at the idea of a movie that actually resembles the game. I was a little put off by the not-so-positive critic's review but is their score justified?

Let's get the biggest worry out of the way, Chris Pratt as Mario. He is all right in the role. I think he does a good voice for Mario that works for the whole runtime. Likewise, Charlie Day as Luigi is good as well. The first act of the movie with Mario and Luigi together is incredibly enjoyable. The pacing is great and they do a great job illustrating the strong bonds between the brothers. This is also thanks to the great chemistry between Chris and Charlie. In terms of great voice performance, Keegan-Michael Key as Toad is terrific. We have seen in interviews that he does the high pitch voice without just sound editing tricks. His voice as Toad works perfectly for the film while still having the same energy as Toad in the game. He is only outshined by the best voice performance in the whole film, Jack Black as Bowser. Jack Black gives a voice performance that actually sounds different from his normal voice to the point that you won't be able to tell it is him. His voice was perfect as Bowser's as he gave a menacing tone but a slight goofiness to the performance as well. Charles Martinet (the video game Mario voice) is also here and not just as a cameo which I appreciate as well.

Brian Tyler is the music composer for this film and he does a great job. They incorporated a lot of the great music from the Mario games into the film wonderfully. He sometimes does it subtlety and sometimes uses it fully for big moments but it is done tastefully. The visuals are also great and they did a great job of making the world of Mario look alive. This is definitely one of Illumination's best-looking films. There are also some great, enjoyable action sequences such as the obstacle course that reminds you of the classic games, Mario vs Donkey Kong, the Rainbow Road, and the whole final act. These sequences utilize the elements from the game superbly. On that note, there are so many references and easter eggs to not just Mario but Nintendo in general. There are easter eggs in the sounds, the music, the visuals, and the dialogue and it is just a lot of fun spotting it all. There is no doubt that this movie was created with the fans in mind.

However, I do have some issues with this film. The first is the plot splitting up Mario and Luigi. It was great seeing them interact but the movie hints at some issues in their relationship and the movie could've explored their brotherly relationship. Unfortunately, the plot splits them up and changes it to be about Mario rescuing Luigi which is super generic. It's a shame, as the plot didn't need to be about Mario saving anyone as Bowser was already a looming threat anyway. The plot being straightforward isn't a massive problem though. The issue is that there is no proper character exploration or development in this straightforward plot. Every character remains the same from beginning to end, except for one character but they just change because the plot demands it to. It isn't naturally built up or earned. Peach's character is also just perfect with no flaws which is kind of boring. The pacing is also incredibly fast after the first act. The movie doesn't spend any time letting a scene breathe with our characters. It is always on to the next thing almost instantly. This is jarring as I wanted to see more of the adventures with Mario and Peach but this is just dealt with in a quick montage.

In terms of voice performances, I do have issues with some. Anna Taylor Joy is just phoning it in as Peach. She is just speaking in her normal voice and that is fine just because her normal voice suits the character but I wish she put some effort into it. Seth Rogen as Donkey Kong is another performance where they are just speaking in their normal voice. I don't like the casting of Seth and the film doesn't change my mind. On that note, Fred Armisen as Cranky Kong is another big miscasting. He doesn't sound old enough or cranky enough as the character. There is also a weird creative choice in having 80s song in the film. There is AC/DC Thunderstruck and Take on Me in the film and it is just very off-putting. These songs didn't work for the scene and I'm not sure why they put the songs in a Mario movie. I also didn't find the jokes laugh out loud funny but kids were laughing so it was maybe that the jokes just aren't funny for adults.

Overall, my biggest worry was The Super Mario Bros movie sucking. Fortunately, this movie does not suck and is actually a very fun movie. I do think the critics were a bit harsh but their criticisms are understandable. The movie plays it very safe with the plot and characters. There is not any meaningful message in this film. Nevertheless, the movie succeeds in delivering a fun Mario adventure that is fun for kids while being enjoyable enough for adults. A kid behind me in my theatre called it the 'best movie ever' so clearly it is doing something right! Hopefully, this movie opens the door for more Mario or Nintendo properties getting their own film adaptions. Luigi's Mansion, Metroid, The Legend of Zelda, Star Fox, Kirby! The possibilities are endless!

For more reviews like this visit:

https://moviewarfarereviews.blogspot.com/

[moemoemammon]

Sorry, my English is not good, but if it's alright can I ask for some fluff head canon for beel, belphie, asmo and mammon or just one if fine if your feeling tired and not good today :) if its just one please do Asmo, and the headcanon I want is for them just getting there hair brushed or braided,  female reader or gender neutral is fine I AM SO SORRY MY ENGLISH IS UGLY. But please can I have some hair fluff :3

Brushing the Bros' Hair!

(Feat GN!MC, and the Demon Bros)

I just went ahead and did em all lmao

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦

Lucifer

Lucifer has his softer moments when he's especially weak to you, more specifically your touch. So when you ask to brush his hair, he doesn't refuse.

It's the ultimate stress relief and he melts under your touch every time your fingers brush along his scalp. He's nearly forgotten about the brush tbh

He lets out a long sigh, clearly content. He'll have to treat you to dinner as a thanks. It's almost like you sensed how stressed he was, or maybe you saw the pile of papers on his desk when you passed his room.

Either way, you being here is much appreciated. An old man like him finds joy in the little things. But don't comment on his greys-

"Thank you, MC. I enjoy the time we spend together like this. It's odd to be the one that's tended to for once, but... I can't say that I dislike it when it comes from you."

Mammon

At this point, Mammon basically makes you brush his hair.

It's become something of a routine between the two of you, where he'll get out of the shower and finish blow drying it, and lets you take care of all the brushing.

A busy man like The Great Mammon doesn't have time for such trivial things! Besides, he sorta likes the way you do it, and it's nice to feel your hands in his hair, and...

What're you staring for? Get to it! He's already taken a seat on the bed, so you should know what he wants without making him say it, right?

"..............." It's not that he doesn't have anything to say, but rather, the moment the brush touches his head he's silent. He's melting into your touch like an overgrown house cat. Is that purring you hear?

Levi

Once you get past the whole "yucky otaku" thing, and his general aversion to being cute with you, he finds that he actually likes having his hair brushed!

You can guess that his schedule doesn't allow a lot of time for self care, so it's a big help when you'll do it for him.

Did he mention how nice it feels?? It's like he's the only person in the world when you smooth his hair back, delicately brushing every strand. He might end up getting addicted to this...

It's almost become a normal thing where you'll do it while he games, so he's intently focused on the screen until you "accidentally" brush against his ear.

"H-Hey! Be careful with that, will you?? The brushing help me focus, but I can't concentrate if you mess with me! If you're teasing me, I'll get you back..!"

Satan

Surprisingly, he actually lets you brush his hair! Satan's not the cuddly type, but when it comes to little romantic things like this, he's all for it.

He'll seat himself patiently and let you brush his hair while he reads, finding it even easier to get lost in the pages. Sometimes you can sneak up on him and just brush his hair while he's not paying attention, and he won't even notice until you stop.

THEN he gets all embarrassed about it, trying to deflect and act like he wasn't just thoughtfully leaning into your hand like a cat nuzzling for affection.

He can't hide from you, though. You swear he was about to pull you even closer while you were brushing his hair, so it's obvious he liked it. Conveniently keeps placing his hairbrush out in the open from then on.

"I can't help that if feels nice, can I? It's so relaxing, I'm almost afraid I'll become addicted. If that happens, will you take responsibility?"

Asmo

Asmodeus is very particular about who and what touches his hair, so you can guarantee that he practically trained you on how to do it. You're like a certified hairdresser at this rate! From curls to ombré dye jobs, you can practically do it all

And Asmo is spoiled so he'll pester you every chance he gets to have you brush his hair. He'll also whine about it should you decline, and do everything in his power to guilt you. He just manicured his nails so he can't do it himself, MC! 🥺

Asmo's especially receptive to your touch, and he tends to move around a LOT. It's because he's so excited he can barely sit still! He keeps trying to turn around to kiss you, so the process takes forever.

He makes it sound like it's a privilege to do, as if you're enjoying it more than he is, and he'll definitely thank you for your hard work~

"My hair is the silkiest you've ever felt, am I right? I'll show you all the products I use to achieve this flawless perfection! Make sure you appreciate every strand, okay~?"

Beel

Initially confused when you strolled up with a brush, but he's going to be sitting for a while since he's eating, so it’s fine.

But never did he think having his hair brushed by someone else would be so amazing.... Like, it took him a little while to get into it, but when you really start working out the little tangles, he's hooked.

Beel doesn't do anything special to keep up his appearance. He has to be reminded to get a haircut sometimes, so things like this are beyond him. But its become a ritual for him to ask you to brush his hair in the morning.

LOVES it. This big ol teddy bear rests his cheek against your thigh the whole time, and you swear you can hear some kind of rumbling sound coming from him-

"Do you mind doing this before my Fangol games? Um.... It's like a good luck charm for me, I think. It makes me think of you, and I feel like I can win no matter what."

Belphie

This is all Belphie, the epitome of laziness, has ever wanted.

He loves anything you do to his hair, whether that's brushing or combing it, washing or drying it, patting it or running your fingers through...

It's like it's his weakness, and almost always has him nodding off. Is it really okay for the youngest to be spoiled so much? You're gonna make him even more rotten than he is.

Though like Mammon, he also chases you down with a hairbrush in hand, so it's not like you have much of a choice.

"My hair is soft, isn't it? It's all thanks to you brushing it everyday. I feel like I can sleep much better lately because of you. Though... that might be because that tangle in the back is gone."

[absolutepokemontrash]

The Brothers and Side Characters Play the Sims

I don’t know what possessed me to make this but WHATEVER. I’ve been playing the Sims since I was a wee little girl, and I’ve seen my fair share of weird Sims stuff that I feel would fit these bozos perfectly.

My Sims have a Functional Family Life Because I Don’t (Lucifer)

God dammit Levi’s obsessed with another game... ugh.

Spends 5 minutes in Create-a-Sim and hops into a starter home.

Lucifer’s the type to start with all the average stuff and then build their stuff up as his sim gets promotions.

It’s just... so peaceful...

...he’s adopting a dog.

Look at his new little virtual family... his sim-kids are self sufficient and getting A’s in school, his Sim spouse MC or Diavolo take your pick loves his Sim-self, his sim-dog-

WAIT NO- THE DOG’S AN ELDER?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAA-

...

He’s fine. It was just a virtual dog. *sniffle*

He’s now spending his free time drinking Demonus and playing the Sims.

What’s a mod? Levi why does your sim have gun?

Behold, My Gorgeous Home... It’s a Box (Mammon)

Mammon, like the rest of the HOL, is mooching off of Levi’s Origin account.

“AW SHIT! This house looks awesome! I’m gonna build it for Sim-me to live in!”

Mammon proceeds to build a box with rooms. Yay...

He just picks the funnest sounding job if he picks any job at all for his Sim. That’s how he ended up making 9 dollars an hour in the criminal career.

Didn’t stop Mammon from buying that solid gold bathroom set from Get Famous... a box with solid gold bathrooms.

His Sim is broke send help-

“Leviiiiiii my sim needs money... the people my sim kidnapped and is forcing to paint aren’t making enough money...” “Ugh... press control shift C and type ‘motherlode’.”

...Levi made a mistake.

“FUCK YEAH! MOTHERLODE!”

His sim’s life is so chaotic, he has a piranha pool that his sim has almost died in twice, the sim is carrying on several torrid love affairs, his sim got struck by lightning, his sim has nearly died in a grilled cheese making accident twice... in the same day.

At least once Sim-Mammon and Sim-MC get married things calm down a little.

Mammon finds out what custom content is and proceeds to download EVERYTHING HE CAN FIND.

And now he’s asking Levi why his computer is running so slow.

Expansion Pack King (Leviathan)

He got into it back when the Sims 2 was new, he’s a veteran fan.

“Bro remember when Agnes Crumplebottom would show up and whack the shit out of your sims if they were flirting?”

“Remember when that witch would show up randomly on the lot you were on if you had Makin’ Magic?”

“Remember when Bella Goth was abducted by aliens and we just... didn’t question it?”

He whines about the Sims4 and how crappy it is but still buys every expansion pack, game pack, and stuff pack.

This boy watches like 40 hours of built tutorials and ends up sobbing over his weird roofs.

“WHY DOESN’T IT LOOK AS NICE AS THE ONE I’M LOOKING AT?! THIS ISN’T FAIR!”

The mod folder is so full istg-

Levi gets custom content for the sole purpose of making his favourite fictional characters.

This is why Henry and the Lord of Shadows are married and Ruri-chan and Sim-Levi are roommates.

Oh my god they were roommates-

Levi also added his brothers to the world and uh... Sim-Mammon died in a tragic pool accident F.

Levi then proceeded to befriend the Grim Reaper.

He’s anxiously awaiting the release of Paralives.

Wait Gameplay? In This Build Simulator? (Satan)

Satan’s here to build and leave. Gameplay who?

Our favourite bundle of rage is a master architect and the amount of followers on the Gallery he has shows it.

He takes up those build shell challenges and always ends up making them look positively perfect.

Asmo’s always using his houses, and Satan often takes requests when he gets bored.

No Mammon, he reserves the right to refuse to build a golden castle for you- YOUR SIM HAS 40 SIMOLEONS-

No mods, no CC, he’s building with what EA gave him.

...and EA gave him debug objects, and he’s not going to explain how to get them.

The one time he did actually play with a family... it was one sim and seven cats.

He tries to play without cheats... and ends up getting frustrated and turns on cheats.

All hail the Pets Expansion Pack.

Custom Content Soap Opera (Asmodeus)

Asmo spends 5 hours in Create a Sim then just... clicks out of the game.

That’s how it goes most of the time, buuuuuut when he gets super invested in a family he’s made, boy howdy is he INVESTED.

Sim A is carrying on an affair with Sim C who’s in love with Sim B who’s married to Sim A but Sim D wants to kill Sim A and C even though they’re the illegitimate child of Sim C-

When Asmo realizes that in the Sims 4 he needs to manufacture all the drama himself and he can’t just sit back with a glass of wine and watch the fireworks, he switches to the Sims 2 and 3.

“...why is this old lady beating up my Sim..?”

He immediately recoils in horror upon seeing how ugly the Sims are pre Sims4.

HE NEEDS TO FIX THIS-

Ah, there we go, perfect. Custom Content to the rescue!

He ends up remaking the entire world just so he doesn’t have to look at weird looking Sims.

Asmo is the only one to have finished a proper Legacy Challenge, but it gets crazy chaotic after gen 3.

“My sim just got abducted by aliens and now he’s pregnant- WHAT?!”

He has about 40 saves and only two he actually plays.

Just a Big Ol’ Happy Family (Beelzebub)

Beel found the game, proceeded to make everyone in create-a-sim to the best of his abilities, and made everyone get along.

That’s why Sim-Lucifer and Sim-Belphie are on a swing set together, they’re friends :D

“Hey Luke do you think you can make this?” “I-is that a cake shaped like a hamburger?” “Yes. Please make.”

He took one look at the cooking options and decided to max out his Sim’s cooking skill to unlock all the options.

Beel proceeded to drool all over his keyboard. Gross...

Boy howdy did he have some crazy dinner suggestions!

Overall, very wholesome Sim-life, except for the time Sim-Levi died because the toilet caught fire, don’t worry, Sim-Beel knows how to make ambrosia.

All is good in the Sim save...

...until Sim-Beel ate pufferfish nigiri and fuckin died-

Wait Did I Not Pause- (Belphie)

Huh, this game looks fine... I’ll play for a little- *SNORE*

Belphie makes some sims, plops them into a starter home, plays for an hour, then falls asleep.

He wakes up five hours later to absolute carnage.

Three sims have died because someone decided to make Mac and Cheese and the oven caught fire, the kids were taken away by social services, and the dog ran away.

“...heheh, holy shit everyone look.”

He doesn’t play often, but when he does, death occurs. He has found out every death method for every game from Sims 2 to 4.

And that INCLUDES the Sims Medieval! You guys remember that game?

Sometimes it’s not intentional, but Belphie got bored with the totally normal life his sims were living and decided to spice it up.

“Why are the ghosts breaking my showers..?”

Help There’s a Bug- (Diavolo)

The Crown Prince started playing when he noticed Lucifer was playing it.

He was immediately obsessed.

Dia mostly plays the Sims Medieval because he likes the feeling of achievement after completing a quest!

“Barbatos... why isn’t my Sim completing their task? The icon won’t show up.” “My lord it appears the game is bugged.” “:(“

No one thought to tell Diavolo that EA doesn’t plan on offering bug support to a game made in like... 2009

This doesn’t matter! Look at how great his kingdom is doing- oh no his hero has the plague-

He plays through the Pirates and Nobles expansion and manages to get the peaceful ending, he’s so proud of himself.

“MC! Look! My Monarch’s sword is permanently on fire and I’m fighting an evil wizard!”

When he does play the other Sims games he’s pretty basic, though, he does a great job at furnishing!

Dia gets crazy sad when his Sims die... he turns off aging.

Builder no. 2 (Barbatos)

Barbie doesn’t have time for this... but when he does, he builds.

No create a sim.

No playing the game as intended.

Just builds.

It’s relaxing, okay? A nice little suburban house he’s never going to play in, maybe a treehouse, maybe a big Hollywood Mansion...

The only time he actually plays the game outside of build mode is when someone needs his help to fix something in-game.

He does download custom content build items if he feels bored by the current selection.

Oh Crap What Am I Doing?! (Simeon)

Help him. Please.

He’s so confused.

“Luke, why is my sim upset?” “He’s hungry, Simeon.” “Oh, how do I fix that?” “...Simeon-”

There’s a toilet in the middle of the living room.

The fridge is facing the wall.

There’s no bathtub or shower.

The house is on fire- there is no god- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Okay, once he gets the hang of it he’s sitting pretty. His sims have good jobs, the kids are getting good grades, everything’s fine.

...

But Simeon won’t forget the nightmares.

What Even is This Save? (Solomon)

Solomon’s save is the definition of chaos.

One sim’s a vampire, the other is a spellcaster that really wants to fight the Callientes for some reason, there’s one normal sim that’s always sick for some reason,

It gets weird, confusing, and horrible.

Just how Solomon likes it.

His house makes no sense, like, what even is architecture?

Money cheats are needed because Solomon‘a goal of chaos and confusion is proving to be kind of expensive.

Square up Mortimer Goth, Solomon’s sims are here to steal your weird knight statue that’s worth a shit ton of simoleons for NO REASON.

He joined the scientist career for the sole purpose of getting to the alien planet and kidnapping adding an alien to the household via cheats.

The vampire ended up dying on their wedding day because Solomon forgot that he gave them the sun weakness.

Oh well, the ghost got added to the household! VAMPIRE GHOST!

The Child (Luke)

Before you say Luke’s too young to play the Sims, you should know that I was nine when I first started playing, and I turned out fiiiiiiiiiine.

He’s just happy to be playing.

Look, his sims are gardening :D

Look, two of them are getting married :D

Look, they had a baby :D

Look, his sims are building a rocket ship :D

Look, his sims’s rocket just crashed-

The concept of death hit the little angel right in the face that day.

“*sniffle*... my sims...”

Don’t worry, with tears in his eyes, Luke quit without saving and everything was fine!

Speaking of My Sims, Luke played MySims Sky Heroes and that was when Luke had his first bout of gamer rage.

MC came over to hang out with Solomon and Simeon, and in the distance they could just hear:

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY TIME WASN’T FAST ENOUGH TO CONTINUE THE STORY!? I’LL SHOW YOU FAST ENOUGH TIME!”

Okay, maybe Simeon should take the game away... just for a bit... he should take heed not to be bitten by the incredibly angry chihuahua.

Bonus:

MC: Why are our Sims married?

*Insert Boy Here*: Uh... that’s weird... I have no clue why they’re doing that...

[jungshookz]

teeny tidbits: jungkook picks y/n up from class & all eyes are on him

➺ pairing; badboy!jungkook x y/n 

➺ wordcount; 1.6k

➺ p.s. yes i’m aware this REEKS of 2012 wattpad clichés and i basically groaned and rolled my eyes the entire time i was writing this but i’m trying to redeem myself from the tragedy that was the 2018!badboykook fic and 2021!cee needed to get this out of her system!!! and sometimes cheesy things are good for the soul!! please enjoy this teeny tidbit and feel free to roll ur eyes with me 

(unfortunately i wasn’t able to track down the original maker of this gif but this is where i sourced it from! all credits go to the maker of course :-))) 

                                     »»————-　🏍️　————-««

“can’t you ask jungkook to get us in?” jimin sighs frustratedly, nudging you with his elbow before reaching over and pulling the door open for you, “come on… this is going to be the party of the semester! we can’t miss it!”

“i’m sure there’ll be a big ol’ party next semester, jimin-” you roll your eyes playfully before shaking your head, “besides, we’ve been to dozens of parties already! the world isn’t going to end if we don’t go to this one, right?”

“but kim taehyung is hosting this one!” jimin exclaims, grabbing onto your elbow before giving you a shake, “and his parties are legendary. do you know what people are going to say if they find out i wasn’t there??”

good grief

you’ve come to really like jimin in the five-ish months that you’ve gotten to know him, but if there’s one thing you could change about him it’d be his obsession with campus parties

(sometimes you think that jimin probably wouldn’t hang around you as much if you weren’t dating jungkook and his magical ability to get into pretty much any party possible... but that’s a conversation you can have with him another day.)

“you care far too much about what people think.” you frown, shaking your head in disappointment, “i promise you no one’s going to care when you tell them you weren’t at one party-”

“come on…! please??” your eyes widen when jimin stops in his tracks and stomps down on the ground like a petulant child, his plush bottom lip pushed out in a pathetic little pout, “don’t do this to me, huh? just- just bring it up to jungkook and see what he says- promise me you’ll ask jungkook- please please please-”

“okay, okay!” you turn around to face jimin before letting out a huff, “fine. if it’ll get you to stop whining, i promise you i’ll ask jungkook about getting you-”

“-us-”

“-us- getting us into this dumb party.” you smile, crossing your fingers behind your back, “happy?”  

you most certainly will noT be asking jungkook about getting you guys into this party because you’re sick of going to parties!

sure, this is all part of your ~university experience~ but that doesn’t mean you have to go to a party every other weekend

you’d love to just stay in and sleep

god, you’d kill for a good, long night of sleep...

even thinking about it now is making you drowsy

“mhm!” jimin’s face immediately lights up in a delighted smile before he points over your shoulder, “you can ask him right now.”

“ask him n-” you glance over your shoulder, eyes widening in surprise to see jungkook waiting for you by the sidewalk, “-ow... uh, perfect!”

jungkook’s here!

...you… weren’t expecting him to be... here...

jungkook gives a couple of girls a polite smile and a nod of acknowledgement as they walk past him with flirty giggles

“okay, uh-” you turn back to give jimin a stiff smile before crinkling your nose and holding a finger up, “would you mind waiting here for me?”

“i'll wait as long as you want me to as long as you get us into that party-!” jimin calls out after you as you hurry down the brick steps to jungkook

“holy shit. i’d love give his motorcycle a ride-” 

“mhm, any day... any day!” 

you stumble over your feet a little as two girls brush past you from behind, leaving a trail of sweet-smelling perfume tickling at your nose

“hey, there you are!” a grin spreads on jungkook’s face when he sees you coming towards him, pushing himself up so he’s not leaning against his motorcycle, “i was worried i was at the wrong building.”

“uh-huh, so what are you-” you clear your throat quietly before letting out a nervous chuckle, giving your boyfriend a chummy, super casual and not at all romantic punch to the chest, “what are you, uh, doing… here?”

“picking you up from… class?” he mocks your high-pitched tone with a boyish smile before pursing his lips, “you are done for the day, right? that’s what your schedule says.”

“yeah, i’m done, i just- wait a minute-” you frown, your eyes flickering to the side as you try to recall jungkook’s schedule, “shouldn’t you be in a biology lecture right now?”

“the prof dismissed us, like, forty minutes early.” jungkook shrugs, “so i thought i’d come and pick you up so that you didn’t have to walk all the way back to your dorm to meet m-”

“-why’d you take the bandaids off your cheek?” you interrupt him suddenly as you reach up to cup his face, gently brushing your thumb over the healing cut on his cheekbone (he was half-asleep and walked directly into the frame of the bathroom door), “i told you to keep them on for another day. i was going to take them off for you tonight.”

“they made me look lame.” he scrunches his nose and you immediately frown in disapproval, “plus, showing off the cut makes me look so much cooler-”

“that’s not a legitimate excuse-”

“it so is!” jungkook turns his head before pointing at it, “look at that and tell me you don’t think i’m cool-”

it’s not that you don’t love that jungkook knows what time you finish class and where exactly to pick you up (swoon!)- the thing that’s making you nervous is the fact that people naturally seem to just... stare at him whenever he’s around

to be fair, you would stare too if you didn’t know him!

the all-black outfit, the perfectly tousled hair that never seems to be out of place, the obviously very handsome face, and the shiny shiny motorcycle that makes a very obnoxious vrOOm-vroOOom sound whenever he revs the engines

you’re not embarrassed to be seen with him because you are very!!! fond of your boyfriend but…

well, it’s just that if they’re staring at him, they’re most definitely staring at you, too  

and sometimes you worry that you don’t look very compatible with jungkook... and then you worry that people are laughing at you and only you... and then you wonder what people mutter to each other whenever they walk past you two and give you that awful ‘how did someone like you land someone like him?’ stare... and then you feel like you have to prove that you’re dating jungkook but you don’t want to make a scene...

it certainly doesn’t help that there are rubber-duckies on your socks

also, it’s hitting you now that it’s pretty hypocritical to call jimin out on how intense he is about other people’s opinions of him when you’re so in your head about this

jungkook tilts his head curiously when he notices you glancing around like there’s a big target on your back and he resists the urge to snort

he knows exactly why you’re so twitchy, and as much as he wants to reassure you and tell you that literally no one is paying attention to the two of you - and even if they did, who cares? - ...well, he’s allowed to have his fun, isn’t he?  

“oh, what’s the matter, sweet girl? you still embarrassed to be seen with me?” jungkook coos mockingly, slipping an arm around your waist as he pulls you in towards him with a cheeky grin, “hm? don’t want anyone to see your big, bad boyfriend?”

“jungkook-!” you grip onto his forearm in alarm when he leans in, nudging his nose under your jaw so he can give the side of your neck a teasing bite, “cut it out, you weirdo-” your face immediately goes bright pink and you reach up to flatten your palm against his chest to create some distance, “jimin’s still over there-”

“is he?” jungkook hums, giving your warm cheek a kiss before pulling away and looking up towards the staircase, “ah, yep. i see him...” he gives jimin a wave accompanied with a friendly smile and jimin takes that as a sign to come over and join you two

“oh, god. he’s coming over.” jungkook keeps the smile on his face as he looks back down at you, “please tell me he’s not about to ask me about another party. i’m starting to worry that the number of times i’ve asked to come to a party is starting to make me look desperate for socialization- hey, jimin!”

you turn around so you can face jimin and jungkook reaches down to link his fingers with yours  

“hey, bro!!!!” jimin greets a little too enthusiastically as he holds up his fist for a bump, jungkook’s eyes flicking down to it before he reluctantly raises his own arm to bump his fist against jimin’s, “so, like, i’m sure y/n’s already debriefed you on kim taehyung’s party-”

“ah, yeah. taehyung’s party- you sure you wanna go to that one?” jungkook frowns as he glances back down at you, “because taehyung’s from one of the sleazier frats-”

“i heard they pop open bottles of champagne and spray them, like, all over everyone-” jimin gushes, jungkook raising a brow before chuckling lightly

“and you… want that?”

“it’ll look great on my instagram highlights.”

“that… yeah, that’s a bonus for sure.” jungkook gives your hand a squeeze and you bite back a giggle, “who cares about wasting multiple bottles of expensive champagne when they make for a great instagram highlight?”

“see? you get it!” jimin chirps before looking over at you, “he gets it, y/n.”

“mm, he certainly does.”

(jungkook likes jimin, it’s just that he thinks he’s a little too eager about his place on the social ladder sometimes…)

“oh, and don’t worry-” jimin beams, “y/n and i won’t abandon you at the party or anything because i hear their house is huge-”

“yeah, because i’m the third wheel in this trio.”

🎙️help me help you make your wishes come true (send me a request!)

✨why don’t you explore the rest of the library while you’re here?

💫or perhaps you want something shorter to read?

🌟or something even shorter?

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 328: Pandora’s Box of Discourse

Previously on BnHA: DEKU TOOK A BATH.

Today on BnHA: 

Also Naomasa grew a beard. Goddamn. 

please let this be a cool chapter that plays nice with my ADHD lol

(ETA: lol I feel guilty because a lot of people hated this chapter, but I’m just happy there was a lot of stuff to make fun of, and also that I have another week to work on my backlog of meta posts since the kids were MIA.)

around one month ago?? ah, okay, so we’re gonna find out what was in that Tartarus security file huh

I love that they just randomly set the place on fire

was it necessary to do this in order to escape? no. was it a good idea to set the island they were occupying on fire while they were in the midst of still occupying it? uh. was it cinematic as fuck? fuck yeah

wow it’s a pervert!!

that’s so great that the villains set loose this fine fellow who I’m sure is definitely not a serial rapist. truly the LoV is so noble and misunderstood. they’re just trying to free society from its chains people

oh my god??!

SHANKED!!! oh my god I cheered for Stain before I realized what I was doing. time to have an identity crisis I guess

so he’s all “hey what’s going on.” which, while a respectable question, is something I personally would have waited to ask until I had put a bit of distance between myself and the fiery murder island. but that’s just my personal preference

Stain you really are tenacious I’ll give you that

“what’s the point of escaping prison if you’re not gonna be smart about it” well shit. anyways yeah you’re dead right, society is in the process of collapsing and the outside world is in total chaos, good call there

oh shit

I mean it’s not like we really expecting anything otherwise, but still. fucking brutal. I feel like these guys’ fates were decided the minute that one guy called AFO “scum” back in chapter 94. AFO is unmatched at getting long-term revenge

??

ahh, was it the security footage??

fdsdfk he’s still alive??

and he’s immediately launching into an inappropriately theatrical monologue even as the darkness closes in on him fdlfksjdlk. you know, was it ever confirmed that the other guy back in chapter 297 was Seiji’s dad? I’m just saying

very impressed that he’s still coherent enough to weigh the pros and cons before making the decision to gamble on giving this info to Stain, who at the very least has his own moral code and isn’t allied with AFO. it was definitely still a risk, but as we now know it was also the right call

what a weird alliance. so Stain tells him that he’ll give it to a just person, and the guy is all,

okay for real though I’m gonna need someone to run a DNA test on this guy. maybe it was some kind of cuckold situation?? the other guy had the family resemblance, but this guy absolutely 100% raised Shishikura Seiji and you are not going to convince me otherwise

anyway, so Stain is all,

PRISON GUARD: “???? ??????? what the hell. what the fuck does that fucking mean. I’m dying here, jesus christ, whatever man fuck you”

(ETA: I kind of feel like this might have been Stain’s last appearance in the manga, given all the fanfare. there’s not really much else he can do for the story at this point, and he seems to have gotten all the character development Horikoshi was planning on giving him. so if this really is it, hasta la vista and good riddance I guess.)

DWLFDKSLDK MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE

(ETA: I feel like this is meant to be evocative of that Sermon on the Mount painting, but in a really fucked up way lol.)

if it were me stumbling upon this scene I would just shake my head and walk right back into the flaming building. not getting involved in that mess. sorry not sorry. I’ll take my chances with the fire, especially given that it’s half-assed neutered BnHA fire lol

blah blah blah and so he decided to pass the info on to All Might -- HOT DAMN, HOLY SHIT

NAOMASA HOLY SHIT. THE APOCALYPSE LOOKS GOOD ON YOU, BOY

“I really like that facial scruff thing Aizawa’s got going on, I think I’m gonna get in on that” yes sir. “also thinking of ditching the tie in favor of the bulletproof vest look. also thinking of getting totally fucking jacked.” good lord. except I’m pretty sure that’s just body armor, but also I don’t care. anyway I should probably stop staring and actually read the fucking speech bubbles here lol

“All Might first handed this information over to Nao, and then went to see Deku, and then came back to Nao” thanks for that tidy little summary Horikoshi. we are capable of piecing events together in sequential order, I just want you to know that. but thank you

“so has Deku finally gotten a bath? also, sucks that Stain saved the day, but what are you gonna do” Nao I missed you so fucking much and didn’t even realize. how am I just now realizing that you are the perfect man

for a second I was gonna ask why Tartarus’s security systems would be cut off from the outside world, and then I remembered that’s a basic security control, and then I actually got impressed by how sensible that is. like, it’s been a while since I could genuinely say that the good guys (excluding class 1-A) did something smart. not that it helped them much in the end, but still

anyway so they’re talking about how AFO was able to coordinate the attack by communicating between his horcrux self on the outside and his ugly peanut-faced self on the inside

huh

okay you have my attention. I am taking notes here lol please continue

ah okay so he says that prior to Jakku, the transfer of information between him and his Vestige self was only one-way. but post-Jakku when Deku was in the hospital, he was able to tell what was happening inside the OFA Radical Lisa Frank Dead People Book Club Realm when he touched him. I feel like we established that before, actually. but he didn’t talk about how it actually felt, though

boy we already know this lol. yes AFO can talk with his horcrux self. and he can also communicate with his little bro in OFA too, let’s talk about that sometime why don’t we. what exactly does that imply, based on the rules we’ve established here

my god I cannot get over Naomasa and his fucking facial hair

no wonder All Might was in such a hurry to leave Deku and get back here

like I have no idea what this radio waves nonsense is but my god, people

that jawline. also so it’s a quirk, I see. except last I checked Deku didn’t have a radio waves quirk, so that doesn’t really explain his connection to AFO. but whatever, hopefully we’re at least getting closer to some kind of reveal here

(ETA: since I sometimes forget that other people’s lives don’t revolve around my theory posts, here are the two relevant links if you by chance want to know my thoughts about this.

Hagakure is still The U.A. Traitor™ regardless of whether Deku is passing information on to AFO through his psychic link, which he almost certainly is.

speaking of said psychic link, Deku is a horcrux.

just posting these now, because whenever trippy OFA stuff happens I tend to get an influx of theory asks. so hopefully this will be a bit of a time saver lol.)

-- wait, what

THAT’S what the recording was??!? holy SHIT. I genuinely was not expecting that. y’all wiretapped his fucking telepathy. fucking quirks, man. wild

AND THEY USED THAT POWER TO DETERMINE WHAT WE ALREADY KNEW, HUZZAH. GOOD SHOW

-- oh shit wait lol, except I forgot we’re not talking about 38 days from the present, we’re talking about 38 days from the date the conversation was recorded. heh. um

yeah that’s the face I would make too if All Fucking Might just casually told me we had eight days left until the end times

oh, pardon me. three fucking days

r.i.p. anyone who thought we were going to have another band arc sob. I sure hope Deku is enjoying that nap

(ETA: I realize people were hoping for a longer rest period here, but given that the man warned us all the way back in chapter 306 that we were entering the final act, you can’t really blame him too much when that turns out to be true. anyway but I do recognize that we’ve reached the point in the story where this kind of discourse is going to become a weekly occurrence, simply because there’s no possible way for Horikoshi’s actual endgame to line up perfectly with the variable headcanons of millions of fans, all of whom have wildly differing and in many cases contradictory expectations which can’t possibly all be fulfilled. anyway, so I’m already bracing myself for that lol. this coming year is going to be a wild ride.)

damn, U.A. out here looking like the motherfucking United Nations

-- is this U.A.?? I actually just realized, U.A. is four interconnected buildings, not two. wait holy shit is this Shiketsu?

wait holy SHIT

based on the overwhelmingly powerful vibes of bureaucratic incompetence, I’m thinking this really is the (future) U.N., or whatever organization it is that deals with international hero stuff

“just let them handle it themselves I’m sure they’ll be fine” yeah okay, thanks guys. appreciate it

wait oh shit did he say that it’s not just Japan?

soooo, what you’re telling me is that AFO is this close to bringing about the end of not just Japan, but the entire world, and you guys don’t think it’s a good idea to help the Japanese heroes stop him? so, genuine follow-up question: are you guys already planning your rich people exodus into space a la Wall-E, and that’s why you don’t give a fuck?? like, what??

omg international heroes

these guys are from World Hoodie Mission, right? is this Horikoshi’s way of reminding me to buy tickets

(ETA: and it worked too lol.)

WHO??? WHAT???

don’t tell me you’re introducing yet another badass new female character for me to fall in love with only to watch as you dismember them and/or blow them up, Horikoshi. I’m getting tired of playing this game my dude. don’t lie and tell me this time will be different. we’re not doing this again goddammit

noooooooooooooooooooo

god fucking dammit lmao. [sighs and rips the previous paragraph into shreds]

on behalf of Americans I apologize for our superheroes always being Like This

I also apologize because I love her already and I’m gonna be shameless about it. so fucking shameless you guys

is her fucking hair red white and blue. it is, isn’t it

this is the volume cliffhanger, 100% lol. it will take every ounce of Horikoshi’s willpower not to put her on the volume cover. he’ll have to settle for the spine or the inner cover this time because Deku VS his class 1-a superpals takes precedence. but it will be a close thing let me tell you

tbh it’s that smile that does it for me. she’s definitely All Might’s protege. get out there and show them how it’s done girl. and maybe call Salaam and BRD and see if you can’t convince them to play hooky from their governments as well. why not. world’s ending in three days you guys. “sorry, I’m busy this weekend” ain’t gonna cut it lol

so while I am not fully caught up with Vigilantes, I have read far enough to know that there’s an American hero named Captain Celebrity whose superpower from what I recall is being a humongous douchebag. and while I haven’t read far enough to know what happens to this guy, I can’t say I’m very disappointed to learn that he’s no longer the number one hero in the U.S. (actually, didn’t they kick him out and that’s why he moved to Japan to begin with?). anyway, so my thanks to Horikoshi for having a marginally higher opinion of Americans than Furuhashi, even though we have definitely not done anything to warrant said opinion lately, and you may have inadvertently opened the door to a pandora’s box of discourse lmao

(ETA: lol I went into the tags and they don’t disappoint. “why is she dressed like a flag” because she’s an homage to Captain America and Major Victory and literally every other character on this list. again, I apologize for fictional American superheroes being Like This. “oh boy another thicc waifu to make the fanboys happy” look, tumblr fandom never seems to have a problem thirsting over Dabi or Tomura or Aizawa or Nao, lol, I’m just saying. “where is Captain Celebrity” idk, probably murdered by the exploding bee cartel, let’s just be grateful for our good fortune and try not to Beetlejuice the man.)

anyway, so let’s see if Horikoshi’s recent character development with regards to making Mineta not terrible anymore will apply to other aspects of his writing as well. I know I was making light of discourse just now, but I do think the complaints about him introducing yet another new character at the 11th hour to be cannon fodder in the final battle are absolutely valid. and again, it wouldn’t be a problem if he didn’t keep maiming/killing off his female characters one by one instead of developing them and letting them kick ass long-term. but that said, I will never complain about Horikoshi adding another female character to the series, regardless of how clumsy the attempt may be. go ahead and pander away, just give us more girl power lol

anyway so we’ll see how it goes, but I think I’m gonna be optimistic and let myself hope once again, even though I’m probably gonna regret it lol. it is what it is. she is standing on an airplane just chilling for fuck’s sake. I’m only human. anyway fingers crossed

[moemammon]

Alright so my request is angsty-ish. Mc is engaged to someone else when they move for the exchange program and stays faithful during their entire stay, so maybe hcs on how the brothers react to a taken MC who (if they even try to advance) actively avoids romantic situations with them, and maybe a little bonus of them reuniting with their lover smittened.

I tried to request this before but all my asks get eaten so I just wanted to make sure it got through

"What Do You Mean You're Already Taken?!" (Feat the Demon Bros and GN!MC)

(Hell yeah angst time heheHEH >:))

Lucifer

Can you even imagine how Lucifer, the Avatar of Pride, reacted when his obvious advances toward you were always awkwardly brushed off? No matter what he tried, no matter how perfectly romantic the situation, he could never coax you into accepting his affections.

And he soon found out why, when you finally admitted that you were taken by another.

He can't remember the last time he's felt pain like this. He'd finally found someone he could be... vulnerable with. Someone he could open himself up to, who wouldn't see him in a different light as a result.

But to know that no matter what, he'll never be able to have you? It's a worse punishment than he could've imagined himself. He can't do anything but accept it, and you'll soon find that his advances come to a complete vault.

He's a little colder to you, but that's only because he's trying to relearn how to feel about your presence. He asks that you give him some time alone, for a few days. He'll be busy in his office in the time being.

Mammon

God, he's crushed. Mammon... was always aiming to be your first everything. Guess someone beat him to the punch before he could do anything to stop it. It takes everything in him not to accuse you of pulling his leg.

But you can't be serious... right? You're saying that no matter what he does or how strongly he feels, he can never have you? He won't get to hold you against him? He'll never be able to kiss you? To pull you under his sheets so you can sleep your worries away? Never be able to tell you just how much he loves you, more than any material possession in this entire world...?

But... why couldn't you just choose him..?

Mammon doesn't get it. He feels like he's always getting the short end of the bargain no matter what he tries. He knew the stakes were high when he started pining for you. You're... YOU! Perfect, amazing, lovable you... who will never be his.

These days he's barely home. You guys are still 'friends', but sometimes you can't tell if he's teasing you or actually being mean. He can't even stand being around you for too long, because his damned heart starts pounding until it hurts. He'd rather gamble the nights away than to have to deal with that.

Levi

Of course you're taken... it's not like he could've expected otherwise. Someone as great as you wouldn't look good standing with a gross otaku...

Jokes aside, Levi's heart has just shattered into a million pieces. You were his one! The one he dreamed about! The one he wanted to be around, despite his crippling social anxiety!

You got him... No, you REALLY got him. He didn't have to put up any walls when he was with you. He knew you liked him for who he was, and that you weren't secretly making fun of him when he wasn't around.

And... you two actually enjoyed one another's company! You shared so many laughs, so many days together, and just when he thought he'd gathered the courage to ask you to be his, you told him that you were taken.

He'll get over it. He's used to being disappointed, after all. Just don't mind him while he spends the next two weeks holed up in his room. If you need something, do you might just writing a note and slipping it under his door? He can't bear to look at his phone, since it's full of pictures of you.

Satan

Satan didn't mean to cause an outburst like that. He never meant to scare you. But when he realized that all this time spent falling deeper, and hopelessly in love with you, was all for naught? He didn't know how to react.

So many new, strange feelings rushed into him at once, until it all exploded in a fit of rage. Was it really anger? Or was it sorrow so strong that it could've been mistaken as such? He couldn't tell, because he's never felt this way before.

His room had been completely destroyed, many precious books lost to the unstoppable force that was his angry release. And when it subsided he was left feeling empty and lost... scared, even.

Would you think differently of him now? Would he think differently of YOU now? Could this... odd, sick, twisted relationship of yours be mended..? He didn't even know if he had the strength to attempt it.

So he isolates himself from you, spending a great deal of time repairing the damage done to his room. And when that's been finished, he's reading like his life depends on it. In the world of books, he can forget about real life entirely. Is it silly for him to imagine that maybe, some day, everything will work out like in a lighthearted fairytale?

Asmo

So you have a partner? Polygamy is fine too! Or so he thought, until you emphasized that you were loyal to your one and only partner. Meaning.. Asmo wasn't invited to the party.

Now, the Avatar of Lust wasn't exactly one who knew rejection. Sure he got a few 'no's here and there, but those little flings meant nothing and had no weight on his heart.

But you? You... were everything he didn't know he needed. Asmo knew he was beautiful and alluring, but you knew there was more to him than that. And you sought to bring those parts of him out into the light! He could only dream of showing his true self to you and you alone.

Asmodeus felt so secure with you, like the mask he'd been wearing for millennia could finally come off. With you, he could just be himself, and he could never tell you just how much that really meant to him. But now his heart aches with a pain he's never felt before, and it hurts so much that he can't help but cry.

His devilgram followers have been seeing him a LOT more lately. So has all of the devildom, really. He's never home anymore, choosing to fill the void with temporary lovers instead. It isn't enough though, and it only makes the pain worse. But in the end, what more can he do? He doesn't understand what love is without you.

Beel

Beel loved you. More than he could understand. More than he could've known.

When the feeling first blossomed within him, he thought it was hunger. Instead, it was a burning desire for you and only you, twisting in his core and setting his heart on fire.

Beel didn't understand it, but he knew that when you were with him, he could breathe a little easier. He could forget about the gnawing hunter that clouded his thoughts. For once, he actually felt free of his sin.

And then, you told him about your significant ofter, and he’d never felt so hungry in his life. The pain was so strong he thought he might collapse from weakness right then and there. It hurt... he hated it...

To everyone's shock, Beel has begun losing his appetite more frequently, most often after catching a glimpse of you. That familiar pain would sprout within him again and make him grimace, and he could no longer find the desire to eat. Maybe he'd just take his meals to his room from now on..?

Belphie

Right... of course. A human like you would be partnered with a human. It was natural that you'd have relationships before your life in the devildom. Anyone would've known that. So... why the hell did it sting so much?

Belphie couldn't sleep. Every moment he closed his eyes, visions of your sweet smile, your wonderful laugh, the way your nose wrinkled when you ate something gross... all of it haunted him. He couldn't get you out of his head no matter what he tried.

And it was so much worse now that he knew you were taken. He wondered if this was a punishment for killing you, like the universe's way of judging him for his misdeeds, and the ages of hatred he held in his heart for humans. Why would fate allow him to be happily partnered to one?

Try as he might, this was one worry he couldn't sleep away. He could never get comfortable. He couldn't close his eyes without thinking about you. He didn't want this. He hated this feeling of self loathing and regret. Belphagor wanted you, more than he’d ever wanted anything.

Maybe... he could convince you to love him? Show you that his love was so, SO much more than what anyone else could offer? He’d remind you of all the times you two shared together. You're not scared, right? Good. That's the last thing he’d want, because he loves you.

[dulafer]

TWIN REVENGE

This is an old one, just thought I’d share..... Its of my shortest stories. Any feedback appreciated - dclouser@mac.com 

REUNION

I’ve always been the odd twin out. Will and I were both named William C. Witt with the only difference being our middle names – Charles and Conner. I’ve never liked being called ‘Willy’ while William preferred ‘Will’. Growing up, our parents couldn’t tell us apart - we even have the same birthmark on our chins. 

I’ve always been jealous of Will for being the favorite. Many times, I’d answer to my brother’s name on purpose or force Will to swap places with me. The first time I was Will was when he was failing algebra in 9th grade and didn’t want our parents to find out. We swapped places so I could take his tests. My condition was that I stay as him for the day – soaking up my parent’s adoration and love. Will was definitely our parent’s favorite which pissed me off the older I got, often lashing out for attention. In high school I started impersonating my brother to get him in trouble. Sometimes, I would get caught because my brother would have an alibi with friends backing him up, or I’d would slip up wearing my hair differently or some other little detail. 

By our junior year, I started hanging with another group of friends and dealing drugs. My reputation for trouble followed me as my ‘business’ grew. Will knew what I was up to because people would mistake him for their dealer. Weeks before graduation, the principal caught me selling drugs red handed, thanks to a tip from Will. Since Witts are a powerful family, Dad worked a deal to allow me to graduate on the condition that I spend the summer in rehab.  The deal was made and the day after graduation, Dad drove me to the rehab center. I lasted a week before escaping and never being seen again.

My drug pals smuggled me out of Los Angeles to northern California.  San Francisco was the perfect spot for me. With my college age looks, I blend in on local high school and college campuses where my business grew exponentially. I wear the college gear that fit the campuses I was working daily. I’ve always been thrifty with my earnings and always a light user myself so I saved my money for a future free of drugs. When I can, I sit in on college classes, mostly political science since my father was always drilling politics into Will and I. 

Will on the other hand, was the perfect son. He attended college for political science, becoming a staunch conservative. But Will wasn’t always perfect. After two years in college, he dropped out and was hired at Prager U as a campus correspondent to interview students and follow trends. Will quickly picked up a fan base nationally and within months was buying a condo and new car – with the help of a proud rich father. Will travels the country giving speeches, interviewing people and blogging.

Mom and dad have all but forgotten about me. I faked my own death and changed my name when I heard my family was looking for me.  It was convincing enough that the Witts even had a funeral for me. 

CAMPUS LIFE

I’m at Stanford University working my regular ‘route’, supporting my boys with product. A few girls spot me, come running over and one screams. “Oh my god, Will! I’m your biggest fan.” 

I wonder why they’re calling me Will and fawning over me? “Hi, thank you so much.”

“We can’t wait to hear you speak.  You going to do a ‘man on the street’?” the other one squeals.

“Sure am.” Not knowing what that is even. I see one of my boys coming over for his weekly stash. “Excuse me ladies, I’m meeting an old friend.”

Tyler comes over with his usual swagger carrying his backpack. “Do I have competition bro?”

“No, not at all! You know you’re my main man.” We do his frat’s handshake. Anyone watching us would see us both in Stanford gear and just assume we’re students. We take a seat on a nearby bench, talk business, two minutes later, he’s leaving with my backpack full of drugs.

I walk around campus, wondering about those two girls calling me Will.  When I get to the campus hub, I see my face plastered all over the board. The flyers reads ‘Will Witt, Prager University, Topic: Campus Diversity’. I pull one off the board, fold it up and place it in my backpack pocket. I’ll be damned, my little brother in town. I have to see this for myself.

I get home and study the flyer, find the Prager U site and start watching my brother’s videos. We’re so alike with our political beliefs – neither of us have fallen far from our father’s tree. We both have the same attitudes and beliefs as good old dad. He even sounds like dad did, around the dinner table our entire life. I then log into his Instagram account, using Will’s password he’s been using for a decade. I’m getting envious of my brother’s life – he’s still the golden boy and I’m sure dad is super proud of him. He’s traveling all over the world thanks to this Prager gig. On top of that, he’s become famous on Fox and other mediums for being very articulate and full of energy. 

As I watch him, I’m getting very envious of Will. I’m as smart and talented as my brother. I could have been the favorite son, the celebrity.  ‘Should be, could be, will be.’ I think to myself. That should be my life.

The next day, I head to a theater supply store and buy a fake belly, beard/mustache and some make up. I’ve got to see my brother in action today. Will is scheduled to do a ‘man on the street’ interview on campus this afternoon, then the speech later tonight. 

I show up for his man on the street interview but hang way back, out of sight of Will. With my disguise, I’ve gained 50lbs, a full beard, sunglasses and wearing a tie dyed hoodie. I watch and listen as Will, his producer and camera man set up everything. I record everything with a shotgun microphone - hearing the back and forth banter between Will, his cameraman Gavi and Mike, his producer. That evening, I attend the lecture in another disguise just to be safe. I’ve haven’t seen Will in over two years but he’s still the same arrogant Will in private. In public he’s very friendly and charming. As I’m listening to Will speak, a plan starts to formulate in the back of my mind. Willy is already dead to the world, so why not become Will. It’s not like I’m inexperienced in doing it. It would always piss Will off when I would steal his identity and fool his girlfriends. While he was taking a shower, I would get dressed first, take his clothes, phone, car and pick up his girlfriend who was clueless. Will would be pissed but I would apologize and he would forgive me. One time Will called his girlfriend while I was impersonating him and couldn’t convince her that he was actually Will – I was that good. 

I start tracking my brother via his emails, calendar and social media. Will is flying from Los Angeles to Washington for a week, with Turning Point USA to promote Prager U and himself. Our parents will also be gone on vacation to Europe for months, with plans to hook up with Will in London for lunch and a show in a month.

MOVING TO LOS ANGELES

I need to formulate a detailed plan. Will has lived the good life long enough, it’s my turn now.  I start with cleaning up my life here – telling my friends that I need to disappear again. They buy it easily as it has happened before. I clean out my bank account – about $1m, and drive to Hollywood where Will lives.

I rent a furnished apartment across the street from Will’s condo. It’s perfect – from my living room and bedroom, I can see his entrance and garage. I keep my fake beard and baseball cap on all the time, and only use the back entrance to go anywhere. On his departure day, I watch him being picked up by an airport service and confirm his flight took off on schedule. I head to my bathroom and remove my beard and hide my longer hair under a baseball cap. The condo manager gladly provides ‘Will’ with a spare key when I tell him I lost mine.

Will’s condo is very nice with an open floorplan. There’s 3 bedrooms and 3.5 baths. The lower level is a 2 car garage, lots of storage, a large video recording studio and utility room. His silver Porsche 911 Cabrio is parked next to a motorcycle. On the wall is some leather gear, boots and helmet. The 2nd floor has a large living room with exposed brick walls, huge flat screen, fireplace, bar, gourmet kitchen with top end stainless steel appliances and a personal office. The 3rd floor is all bedrooms with a huge master suite with large bathroom and large walk in closet. The one spare bedroom is sparsely decorated with just a bed, dresser and chair. The other bedroom is mostly empty. It’s a great ‘crib’ but I’m certain daddy helped pay for most of it.

I get to work quickly with my plans.  I try to check out his studio’s computer but its password protected and I can’t get it to unlock. This isn’t a problem after I plug in a thumb drive with keystroke tracker and some other tricks. In a minute, I gain access to all his computers and social media accounts.  The password was his usual password but backwards.

His iMac Pro is a wealth of information – full of his unedited videos, speeches and even a digital diary. I thought he stopped doing a diary in 11th grade but apparently not. He updated it just this morning before leaving. I’m sitting there for hours reviewing his life since I left. His comments about my death and funeral are cruel to say the least.  He blames me for fucking up life with my death, how mom & dad are glad it’s over and they’re all better off. Even my father agreed with him. That’s fine by me, they won’t miss Will at all when I take his place.

I decide to spend the night here and continue my studying. In his basement studio there is a green screen, professional video cameras and teleprompters set up in one corner which he uses to make his cutesy videos. I turn on the equipment, click on a file and up pops the words to his last blog on the teleprompter. On another display in front of the green screen pops up the empty stool where he sits. On the stool is a remote I believe is for controlling everything. I plop my ass down, face the camera, and see myself, or Will on the display in front of me. I fuss with my hair to give me Will’s prominent cowlick, press ‘record’ and the words start moving for me to perform. “What’s up guys, Will Witt for Prager U” I repeat his performance, then delete file before passing out at 2am, after seeing his posts on landing in Washington DC. 

LOOKING THE PART

My brother prides himself on his hair, especially the huge cowlick that he’s proud of. According to his calendar, he had a haircut a few days before leaving for Washington. I make myself at home taking a shower, and pulling on some of his clothes – dark gray skinny jeans, t-shirt, jacket and his black high top converse sneakers. I’m missing his clunky watch and ring he wears all the time, and also his rope crystal necklace he’s been wearing since he was 15. The one time I was with one of his girlfriends, not having that necklace on, gave away my identity. I jump in Will’s Porsche and find a salon with a great google rating. I ask for my usual and show her pics from two days ago. They’re very close up and detailed. In half an hour, I’m smiling at Will in the mirror, running my hand through his cowlick. 

Back home, I pull in to the garage and before I can close the door, some pretty little thing is running over to me. 

“Will! Hey there, I’m glad I caught you.”

“Oh hey, you caught me.” I smile and act surprise.

“Tammy and I are having a party tonight.” She hands me a flyer ‘Jen and Tam’s Big Party’.

“That sounds like a blast, ‘Jen’.” Hoping she’s the ‘Jen’ on the flyer.

“I was just going to slip it in your mailbox. Thought you were going to Washington or someplace exotic again.”

“My DC trip was postponed, so I’m here.” I give her a typical Will smile. 

“Washington’s lost is our gain. You have to come. Besides you can crawl home if you get drunk like unlike last time.”

“I’ll try my best but super busy here.” I chuckle with her, not sure what she’s referring to but Will’s diary will probably help me remember some of it. I’d love to go but there’ll be lots of iPhones around and plenty of pics/videos posted on social media.

A friend sent me a lot of WiFi HD fiberoptic video cameras and microphones to bug my brother’s place. I place a few in each room then sync them to my iPad. Walking from room to room I test them all for activation. It takes all day to hide them properly. Later on, Will’s latest VLOGs and antics from Washington start appearing on his desktop. 

His video reminds me how different our styles are. Will was always conservative dresser while I went for the grunge look. His videos confirm his tastes haven’t changed at all except becoming more expensive. I’m making myself at home – it’s going to be my future home soon anyway. With my new haircut, it only takes a little of his gel to look exactly like him.

 It was always fun turning myself into Will when we were younger, it’s still a turn on now. I print out some pics from his PC files, showing various outfit he’s worn.  I’ve got to nail his ‘look’ perfectly for my future life. There’s one of him in a sharp black suit, white shirt and black tie playing a piano, with a red lapel thingy at a Prager U gala a month ago. We both took piano lesson but I was always a little better.

It’s easy finding the outfit in his very organized closet.  He took it off, left the lapel pin in and probably hasn’t worn it since. There’s a video of the gala in his files that I watch, providing me glimpses of his shoes and watch. I strip out of his jeans, and into the outfit. I couldn’t find his watch – it’s probably in Washington on him but I slip on his pinky ring and a different watch from his jewelry box. Back in the studio, I start a new file – Prager Gala, pretending that I’m Will being interviewed about the night’s events. I sit on the stool, hit record and adlib the event starting with Will’s signature “What’s up Guys” intro, including flashing his two fingers. Being Will is all very natural for me. I’m up half the night learning the equipment, checking out his videos and closet. I just need a few weeks of studying him before I replace him. 

To access his cell phone, a friend puts me in contact with a local guy who clones Will’s iPhone. It costs $2000 but I now see his text messages, calendar and listen to his voicemails. I can also listen in on his calls while he’s talking to people. I can’t speak to them, and they can’t hear me but it’s perfect timing. With him in Washington, his entire life is going through his cell phone, providing me with up to the minute information. He’s working on his schedule for the next few months. With access to all this, I’m learning who his coworkers are, listening to work conference calls, what they’re working on and what Will’s job entails as Prager’s ‘social media influencer’.

Will has a spare set of keys for our parent’s place so I visit just to see what changes have been made while I’ve been gone. The most obvious change is the lack of pictures of me. Their mantel has no pics of Will and I together. It almost looks like they have only one son – that I never existed. Everything else is pretty much how it was three years ago. As I was leaving, Mrs. Tarantolo, their neighbor sees “Will” and comes running over to say hello. She thought it was sweet I was keeping an eye on their place while they were away “Such a good son.”  She claims to be my biggest fan and hasn’t missed any of my videos. She’s clueless about me, as she should – when even our parents couldn’t tell the difference, I’m not worried about anyone. 

My week consists of listening, watching and reading everything he’s up to. I take his Porsche out to grab lunch or dinner to remote places so I’m not seen by anyone that could know him. A few times, fans mistake me for Will and I sign autographs using “What’s Up Guys”. They’re thrilled and its harmless fun for me.  

The week flies by and I return to my apartment across the road.  I return the spare condo key to the manager after making a duplicate of it. On schedule, Will returns via  LAX shuttle service. My surveillance system works perfectly as he moves around his condo.  I see him taking a shower, changing into sweats and working in his studio.  His buddy Mike arrives later with pizza and they brainstorm in the studio about their next VLOG and ‘man in the street’ topics. Listening to their banter helps me learn the lingo and their personal relationship.

Will has not changed a bit since I left Los Angeles – same old anal retentive asshole. It’s fun watching and learning about him. He’s still an avid runner, and like clockwork, he does five miles around a nearby park most mornings. Prager U is just a few miles away and he’s there daily unless he’s traveling. He has a new girlfriend he casually hooks up with but it’s not serious, so that’ll be easy. He writes about meeting her in his diary. He’s got his work schedule planned for the next few months and I know enough to handle it. After a few weeks, my gut is telling me I’m ready to be Will Witt. 

Will’s next major trip is to London for a scheduled Turning Point USA promotion/MOTS and speech at Oxford University – same as he did at Stanford. My plan is to replace him when he arrives home. This gives me another 10 days to get up to speed with his life. I watch him pack, see LAX shuttle service pick him up and confirm his plane took off as scheduled. I make myself at home but keep a low profile, rarely going out. 

Between his phone and computer, I’m kept busy 24 hours/day just keeping up with his life. He’s definitely a video freak, not only recording content for Prager but also everything else like his hotel room, what he had for breakfast, his shopping excursions. I can’t wait to wear his new $7000 bespoke suit he purchased during his shopping expedition on Saville Row. I listen in on his phone calls with our parents, his friends and girlfriend Lisa. This helps me get up to speed with what’s going on in his life. Mom & Dad meet Will for lunch at his hotel, then go to see Hamilton. There’s plenty of selfies and videos to make his life mine. He’s spending a fortune on food, wine, clothes, cigars and trinkets. 

A few hours before he returns, I’m armed with chloroform, truth serum and various knock out drugs.  I hide in his bedroom, ready to pounce with a heavily soaked rag of chloroform. It’s almost enough to knock me out just holding it. 

HONEY I’M HOME

The door lock jiggles and Will enters, plopping his luggage inside the door. He makes a beeline to kitchen and opens the refrigerator. He’s there quite a while before I hear him dragging his very large suitcases up the stairs. I’m crotched in the corner, behind the door as he struggles to get both bags through. The perfect moment happens when one of the bags get stuck in the door jam and I hear him say ‘fuck’. In a split second, I pounce and have the chloroform soaked rag over his nose and mouth. A split second after that, he almost falls to the floor as I catch him. I drag him out into the hallway, and finish putting his bags in the bedroom.

“Welcome home Will, have a good trip?” I look down at him passed out and ask.

“Awesome trip man, had fun with the TP USA team, saw Hamilton with the parents, and hit up lots of pubs and cigars. I’ll have to show you all the pics I took.” I respond to  myself in Will’s typical enthusiastic lingo.  

I drag Will to the empty bedroom and start stripping him. Of course, he’s in a sport coat and tie to travel. It’s so ‘Will’ I think as I carefully remove everything from him, amazed at how alike we still are. I strip off my old sweat pants and t-shirt and put them on him. I pull him up into a metal chair I anchored to the floor, then handcuff his hands and feet so he can’t move an inch. I kneel down next to him, grab his face, then rotate it side to side to check his appearance close up. My sideburns are about a quarter inch too long so I head to my bathroom and trim them to match exactly. 

 I carry ‘my’ clothes back to my new bedroom and slowly start my transformation into Will. I love pulling on the outfit he’s been wearing all day—his sweat and scents mixing with mine. Everything is still warm as I put on his black briefs and socks. His charcoal dress pants fit perfectly as I pull them up. His shirt has gunmetal gray cufflinks and is monogrammed on the sleeve with our initials ‘WCW’. I pulled the black lace up shoes off his feet without untying them. I wiggle into them, tuck in my shirt and fasten my belt. In the bathroom mirror I put on his tie using the same technique dad taught both of us.  I pull on his cool black sport coat with large dark gray plaid patterns. There’s a video of him wearing this outfit for red carpet Oscar interviews. I check his breast pockets, locating his iPhone, keys and wallet.  Tucked inside an outside pocket are his glasses. Slipping on his ring, leather wrist band and watch completes my transformation into Will Witt. I adjust my hair using his Cremo hair cream—Will is always fussing with his hair. Staring in the mirror, I only see Will Witt, just as he was traveling first class earlier. I grin at myself as I adjust my shirt cuffs and admire my looks. I do his usual MOTS intro flawlessly – “What’s Up Guys”. From this moment on, I’m Will Witt and no one will have a clue I’m not. 

My iPhone buzzes in my suit pocket, it’s Will’s girlfriend, Lisa calling. 

“Hey Lisa, I just got in the door babe.” I answer watching myself in the mirror, smiling and playing Will flawlessly.

“I thought you would be, I’ve missed you so much Will.” She whispers seductively.

“Same, may I take you out for dinner?” I ask as charmingly as Will does, remembering their conversation from a day ago, and Will promising dinner and a surprise.

“I would love that.”

“Great, I’ll pick you up at 7, Let’s dress up and go someplace nice. I’ll wear a suit and tie.” This gives me the afternoon to get settled into my new life. 

“Okay Will, can’t wait.”

“Bye Babe.” Will’s cutesy name he uses for all his girlfriends.

‘It’s show time’ I think to myself. I head back to my brother who’s finally starting to stir from the chloroform. I start slapping his face and he becomes more aware.

“Wake up Willy, Willy wake up.” I say playfully. 

He looks confused, slowly recognizing me, his eyes bug out, then starts to struggle. “But you’re dead?”

“Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. Don’t struggle bro, you’ll only hurt yourself.” I laugh at him.

“What’s going on Willy? Why are you in my clothes?”

“From now on, please call me Will and they’re now my clothes. I just got back from London and I’m really jet lagged.” I stand proudly, straighten my tie then reach into my breast pocket for my new wallet.

“Asshole, what do you think you’re doing?” he yells and gets pissed as he’s now fully awake.

“Well, remember when you planted drugs in my locker, turned me into the school principle and ruined my life?”

“Yeah, that was a good one! They all bought it too. Got rid of you for good.” He laughs.

 “Well, laugh all you want.  I’m borrowing your life.”

“You’ll never get away with this. Whatever you are planning, won’t work.” He predicts.

“Well I’m taking Lisa out to dinner tonight to celebrate my return. In other words, I need pussy but Will doesn’t talk like that. Let me rephrase it – I’m taking my girlfriend out for dinner and hopefully make love to her. Better?”  I leaf through my wallet checking it out, pulling out the debit card. “Bro, is your PIN still 8991? I may need some cash for my date. You only have a $40 in here.”

By the look on his face, I know he never changed is PIN. “Thanks bro, just needed to confirm that.” 

“She’ll know you’re not me, don’t even try it.”

“Bro, you’re talking to the guy who fooled all your girlfriends in high school. You’ve been dating her for what? About 6 weeks after meeting her at Jen’s last party where you got wasted and don’t remember getting home.”

“You’ve been reading my private diary?” 

“Well, you could say it’s my diary. So, I was just reviewing my life for the past few years.” I laugh at him. “Which brings me to a new issue – where should I take her for dinner, and do afterwards?”

“Fuck yourself.” He yells.

“Bro, I’m hoping to fuck her, not myself. You don’t want me to do something brash, ‘unWill like’ and ruin your relationship do you? I bet she doesn’t even know you have a twin brother, am I right?” I laugh at him. 

“Willy, what are you doing? Just untie me and I’ll forget this ever happened. I promise.” Trying to soften me up.

“Let’s get this straight, for the time being, I’m Will Witt, you’re nothing, don’t call me that again.” I yell at him. “Now, you’re going to help me be you or I’m going to really fuck up your life. You know I can do it. If you lie to me, there will be repercussions. Do not test me.”

“Okay.” He responds defeated.

“Okay, what?” I demand.

“Okay Will. Lisa loves Italian and there’s this little family owned restaurant called ‘Papa Joe’s’ near her house. She loves it and so do I. That’s where I was planning on taking her tonight. I always get the ‘Lombardo’ dish with an ice tea of course.” He answers defeated. 

“That’s good information bro, I really appreciate that.” I watch his face and have always been able to tell when he was lying. “What after that? What are her limits?  I need everything to be you with her. Give me the full history.”

He proceeds to tell me everything I need to know about Lisa – at least I hope so. 

“Now I need details about my job.  I know where you work, and what you do but more details about the people, office layout, where your office is and how I get in?” He gives me looks that could kill. “What’s up guys?” I mock him with his catch phrase. 

“My work ID badge gives me complete access anytime. It’s in the front pocket of my backpack. I have an office on the second floor, just left as you get out of the elevator. My name is on the door. You can’t miss it.”

“What do you do when you first get there, in the morning? Routine? Pals? Coffee? conference room? Where do you go for lunch? I need it all Willy. You don’t want me to mess up your perfect little life, do you?” I subtly threaten him.

Once I pump him for everything, I grab the bag from the corner, pull out a needle and inject him. He screams at me for about two minutes then become docile. I walk him to the bathroom and order him to relieve himself. Once secured back in his chair, I give him dose of Midazolam that will keep him out for 12 hours and put a ball gag in his mouth. I shut and lock the bedroom door, head back to my master bedroom finishing my unpacking. 

I slip easily into Will’s routine.  My shirts and suits will go to my cleaner per the receipts in the Porsche, the rest go into the washer. Carefully tucked inside his luggage is his new Saville Row Huntsman, a few new dress shirts and the Big Ben charm I bought Lisa in London. I can’t help but try on the new suit, admiring the fit and material. I head downstairs and see Will’s work backpack he has with him all the time. I take it down to the studio office and start going through the content…. A few cameras, my passport, iPad and MacBook Pro.  There’s a printout of my next Prager assignments and hand notes he made in the margins. I find his work ID, clip it to my suit, repack his backpack and head to the office. 

A DAY IN THE LIFE

I’ve followed Will to Prager U but have never stepped foot inside. I pull into an empty parking lot, and park in his assigned spot. Will says no one is ever there but he sometimes goes in to get a jump on Monday. My ID badge opens the main door. I easily find his office and make myself at home. On the wall I notice the signed photograph of Reagan that dad treasures and wonder how Will has it. I plop my backpack on the chair next to my desk and start exploring. I open my MacBook and it starts syncing with the LAN. I easily log in and upload my videos as Will does after all his events, according to his logs.  

I explore the entire building and everything is as he described – Boss’ office, video production, media center, studio, executive conference room etc. I confidently walk around taking in the names of my coworkers. In the men’s room, I smile at Will in the mirror and clean out my coffee mug. 

Back in the office, I settle into my desk and go thru my drawers, check my work email and respond to some.  I hear someone coming up the stairs, calling my new name, approaching my office.  I recognize it immediately as Will’s producer and friend – Mike.

“In here.” I yell out to him.

He pops his head around the corner. “Welcome back, how was your flight?”

“Uneventful, good to be home but jet lag.” I casually answer.

“My flight yesterday was delayed an hour from Chicago but not too bad.”

I heard their last conversation before Will took off this am, and continued it. “I’m good with the final edits from MOTS, just uploaded it so Alexander can add the graphics.” 

I pull up the video, knowing Will made a few cuts on the flight over, and show it to him.  

“You’ve been busy man, looks great. You want to grab lunch?” 

“Sure, you drive and pick.” I can’t resist the thought of testing my ‘Will skills’. 

Mike takes me to ‘In & Out’ for burgers.  He doesn’t suspect a thing, readily accepting me as his friend and coworker.  We talk about the trip, work and future trips. I feel as if I was actually there. He drops me off and I head back to my office and continue to familiarize myself with everything for a few more hours. 

My big test will be ‘my’ girlfriend Lisa.  I stay in Will’s slick outfit, donning his favorite Ray-Bans for the drive. She’s waiting for me outside and jumps into my car. Her unexpected full tongue kiss surprises me but I quickly adjust and give her full tongue back. We make out for a minute then I take her to Papa Joe’s.  Will was telling the truth, Lisa lights up as I pull in front and valet the Porsche. I use my brother’s pics, diary, blogs and text messages to talk about my London trip. When desert comes, I spring the Big Ben charm on her. She leans in tenderly, kisses me deeply and invites me to spend the night. 

At her place, we strip and jump right into bed.  In minutes, she’s moaning as I work her pussy, slowly penetrating it with the tip of my head. She starts moaning softly ‘oh Will, oohhh Will’ making me harder, pushing deeper into her as she climaxes. I explode in her, then collapse onto my back as she curls up under my arm and we fall to sleep.  She wakes me up with a blow job and homemade pancakes – Will’s favorite she notes. I’m not a big pancake fan but eat them eagerly as Will would. I’ve replaced Will completely and now have his sexy girlfriend. 

DAY TWO

I check on Willy when I get home and he’s starting to stir. My schedule today calls for video editing at Prager U with Gavi and Mike. I take a quick shower put on an outfit that screams ‘preppy conservative’ – which isn’t difficult as that’s all Will has in his closet, making my job easy. 

I pop my head in to the bedroom and see that he’s wide awake.

“Morning sunshine.” I cheerfully say.

“Let me the fuck out of these straps now!” he mumbles as I remove the ballgag.

“Sure thing, but first a little shot so you can take a dump and eat a little something. Hungry?”

“No, don’t drug me, it’s a fucking weird feeling.” He pleas.

“Sorry man, I can’t chance you getting free and having a fake Will running around.”

“You’re the fake Will, ass wipe.” He screams.

“Hmmm Lisa and Mike didn’t think so.  I ran into Mike in the office yesterday while uploading my latest VLOG and MOTS video, then had lunch with him.  He’s a good friend of mine. Oh, and Lisa… Damn did I hit her sweet spot last night as she moaned my name softly in my ears. She really loved the Big Ben charm I got her and the ‘Big Will’ I gave her. I think I’m in love bro.” I grab my crotch so he knows what I’m talking about. 

“You fucking bastard!!  Fucking asshole!! You’ll be caught. You can’t slip into my life that easily.” He screams.

“Now, now, Willy.  Guess you didn’t notice the video and audio bugs I installed throughout my new condo or the keystroke tracker on your computers. I’ve been catching up with you since Stanford. Your condo manager was gracious enough to give me a key after you lost it.” I run and grab my iPad and play some of the videos for him, then I show him the cloned phone and play his last conversation with Mike. 

“Guess I don’t need this cloned phone any longer. I have to admit, you’re quite the busy person. Your phone never stops ringing and beeping but don’t worry, I’m keeping up.”

“Fuck you Willy!  When I get free, you’re going to jail or worst.”

“If you get free, which I doubt. If you haven’t noticed, you’re bolted to the floor. Oh, don’t worry, I’ll have new carpet installed at some point. Nice thing bro – between my bank account and yours, I’m quite wealthy with a lot of future potential. In fact, after this gig, I’m thinking of running for office. Dad would love it and back me financially.”

He mutters. “Fucker.”

“Hey bro, don’t worry, I’m taking good care of your life. Enjoying it immensely, especially Lisa. She really knows how to wake me up but I’m not big on the pancakes.”

He thrashes back and forth in the chair screaming more obscenities at me.

 “Bro, seriously, how do I look? Do you approve my work outfit? I’ve noticed this sport coat is one of your favorites. Oh, and my new suit from London fits great and feels incredible. I just had to try it on.” I taunt him while adjusting my shirt sleeves and checking my watch.

“What are you doing here?” he quietly demands.

“Well the drug career pays quite well but is extremely dangerous.  After seeing you at Stanford, I decided a career change was necessary. Don’t you agree it’s a good career move?”

“You’ll never fool them for long.  There are things only I could know. You’ll tripped up.  What about mom and dad?”

“Are you serious?” I laugh out loud. “Mom and dad could never tell us apart, you know that. I did visit the house while you were in London and from the pictures displayed, it looks like I, Will, am an only child. They’re the least of my worries.”

“Oh, they’ll know you’re not me.”

“Why would they? Just look at me bro. I was always a better you than you, when I wanted to be. I do have to get fully up to speed with my new life, friends and girlfriend but that’s what all my new drugs are for. I kind of like your style so I’ll only wear what you already have in your closet.  I’m enjoying your preppy style. I think I’m rocking the Will look, you have to admit it.” I tug on my sleeves not interested in his rants.

“What about work?” He counters.

“Oh bro, that’ll be easy too. I’ve watched all your videos – the work and personal, edited and unedited. I taught myself iMovie to edit my MOTSs for uploading. I’ve seen you brainstorm with Mike on MOTS topics and question. It’s amazing how we even think alike politically. I’m ahead of schedule for today.  Like the anal person you are, I was in the office all afternoon while you were sleeping. I cleaned out my scummy coffee mug, organized my desk and left a note for Alexander on the graphics I’d like to see before the end of today. I can’t wait to meet the boss, have been a fan of his for years.”

“You can’t be me!” He slumps his shoulder in deeper defeat. 

“I am you, no one will have a clue I’m not.” 

I inject him with truth serum and a powerful muscle relaxer.  By the time I come back with breakfast, he’s docile and defeated. A few protein bars, quick trip to bathroom and he’s safely secured again. The truth serum is remarkable. I have a totally different discussion with him.

“Hey bro, how do I look? You like?” I spin around to model my outfit.

“I’ve worn that exact outfit before I think.”

“Thank you, now see, it wasn’t too hard to be nice, now was it?”

He spills his guts to me about all his coworkers, and what he thinks of them. While he’s drugged, I hit him up on family issues and his feelings towards me. He basically threatens to kill me and will since I’m already dead. It’s been on his mind since he woke up chained to the chair. I snicker to myself, knowing he’s the one who’s days are numbered. It’s almost time for work today, so I knock him out for another 12 hours.

My first day of work is a breeze.  I visit Alexander and review the graphics I want. Mike and I review the schedule and brainstorm future MOTSs and VLOGs. Will has the easy part and probably makes the most money. Prager’s staff writes his MOTS questions and helps him with upcoming speeches. He provides the topic, they handle it from there. Will was good enough to do my outline for his University of Texas speech next week. I turn them in and talk to Marissa, our content producer. I have the best gig – I just need to be the hip preppy conservative face of Prager U and get to travel all around the world. 

When I’m leaving Marrisa’s office, I run into Dennis Prager, the president of Prager University. He puts his arm around me and leads me back to his office.

“Will, good to see you, how was London? I just saw your rough video and it’s great”

“Thank you, Mr. Prager. London was great.” I respond and his face immediately looks puzzled.

“Since when am I Mr. Prager?”

“Dennis, sorry it just came out. I’m still out of sorts with jet lag and the British are so formal.”  I try to recover.

“I understand boy, plus you probably had too much wine and cigars I’m sure.”

“I sure did. I brought a few Charatan Robustos back with me” I chuckle knowing their conversations about them and using them to solidify my identity.

“And you’re not sharing? Will, Will, Will, how could you?” 

“I’ll bring them in tomorrow.” 

“Let’s grab lunch son.” 

I can’t believe I’m having lunch with Dennis Prager. He’s thrilled with ‘my’ work, wants me to do more TV appearances like Fox & Friends but also liberal networks. My ratings are through the roof. I talk about my London trip, showing him pics of my parents and selfies I took. We talk politics, going back and forth on issues. We get back to the office and I easily fit in and learn the ropes. By the end of the day, I’m very pleased with my new life. I pass on happy hour claiming I’m still of out sorts due to jet lag. 

CHECKING IN

Back home I check Willy. He’s awake but groggy.

“What’s up guy? How was your day?” I ask cockily as I strut in.

“How do you think, you sick fuck.”

“So sorry to hear that. My day was awesome. My latest VLOG and MOTS are killing it. I had lunch with my friend Dennis and he wants me to do more TV spots. It was probably the best day of your life, I mean my life.”

“My life! You fucker, my life.” He screams with pure rage.

“Wow bro, you smell. We’ll have to get you a shower but first I need to change. Be right back.”

I run to my closet and throw on a pair of running shorts and a Prager t-shirt. I keep my cell phone on me as it’s been going off all day. When I get back to Willy, he starts yelling at me.

“What are you up to? Did you get me fired? The truth, you owe me that at least.”

I laugh. “Now why would I mess up my career bro?”

“It’s my life and career. You’re going to pay for this you fucking asshole.” He continues to rant. 

“I’ve had enough of you already.” I grab the ball gag, shove it in his mouth and he starts thrashing again. My phone rings, it’s Mike calling.

“Hey Mike, What’s up?” Willy’s eye light up watching me.

“No, I’m fine, it was just jetlag and you know me…I tried all the beers and cigars in the pubs…Yeah buddy…thanks for your concern.”  I hang up and look at Willy. “Hey that Jetlag excuse will be good for another few days till I get the groove completely.”

He starts mumbling again but the phone rings again with Lisa calling. 

“Hey babe, how was your day?” I sincerely ask. Willy starts squirming and getting louder. 

“Hey babe, hang on, I’ve got my producer calling.” I put her on hold, walk over to Willy and gut punch him with all my force. I impale him and he shuts up.

“Sorry babe, did I thank you for last night?...Oh yeah, I’d love to but I’ve got a lot to catch up with…My parents are coming back Wednesday from their European vacation and we’re suppose to do dinner Thursday? Would love for you to meet them….Okay… love ya.” 

“Bro, see how easy this gig is for me? I still need you for some additional information like the combination to the safe in your office.” He stares at me but is keeping quiet. I grab my little box of drugs and mellow Willy out.  A quick shower, shit and change of clothes and he’s back in his chair. I feed him a sub and water that he quickly inhales. 

“Now Willy, what’s the number to my safe?”

“Go fuck yourself.” he mumbles.

“Willy, you know I could give you some truth serum or beat it out of you.”

“17858” he spits out as in disgust. 

I head down to his safe and open it up.  Inside is a gun, his birth certificate, social security card, and a stack of other seemingly important papers. I grab it all and take head up to review with Willy.

“Nice Glock Willy, let’s review what’s in my safe and why it’s there. Some quality bonding time. Most of this I know but the rest?”  I ask nicely.

“My contract with Prager U, noncompete, mom & dad’s will, my will, some stocks dad gave me.”

I leaf through it, reading it all and ignoring Willy. In between docs, I feed him some granola bars from the kitchen. I play with the unloaded gun in front of him, on purpose. I’ll have a use for it soon.

“Ok brother, more work questions. There’s ‘PR shots’ on calendar for tomorrow afternoon. What’s with that?”

“Joel, our CMO set them up.  It’s just ‘glamour’ pics for his new marketing campaign.”

“Oh, so that’s what my new suit is for I’m guessing. The email to Joel saying you’re all set after you bought it?”

“Yeah, please don’t fuck things up for me Willy. I’ve worked hard this past year.”

“How many times do I have to tell you? I’m Will.” I gut punch him again.

“I’m sorry Will.” He cries in pain.

“That’s better Willy. So, tell me what to expect.”

“Easy, take suit to work, some of my shirts, ties and jewelry.  Collette in our makeup will take care of the rest. Just smile and do what they tell you in front of the camera.” he answers, still in pain.

“Shoes?”

“The black derbies I had on yesterday, I bought for shoot specifically, wanted them broken in. Doesn’t matter though – they only shoot from waist up.”

“Now that’s more like it. Don’t fight me, help me so I don’t fuck up your life.” as if he’s ever getting it back, I think to myself. 

“Yes Will.”

HANGING WITH FRIENDS

“Now, my friend Tommy wants to go out tonight, grab dinner. What would ‘Will’ do?” 

“He wants to do 71Above – it’s the highest restaurant west of the Mississippi. Tricia, his friend is host there and can get us in. Very high end, suit and tie required.”

“That sounds great.”

“Yeah, he’s picking me up, I’m paying.”

“I’m paying!” I correct him. “What were you going to wear?”

“There’s a black Tom Ford suit with a red lapel pin on it, I’ve only worn it once for a few hours. White shirt and any tie.”

“Oh yes, my outfit from the Prager gala where I played ‘blue moon’ on the piano. What tie, what shirt?” I demand.

He looks at me shocked. “There’s a new gold paisley tie, white spread collar shirt with cufflinks.”

“Why thank you brother. I better go and get ready.” I shove another granola bar in his mouth.

I easily assemble the outfit he was going to wear. After all my spying, I’m sure I would have selected something as tasteful. I skip the gold paisley and decide on a ‘men in black’ look, almost exactly as he had on at the gala. A quick shower, 20 minutes with my hair and another 20 to dress and I’m still 36 minutes early for Tommy.

“How do I look Willy? Now be honest.” I ask walking into the bedroom.

He checks me out head to toe. “You look good Will. You’re wearing my good watch?”

“My good watch brother, remember? You wore your smaller ring at the gala but I stuck with what I had on coming back from London. I think I looks great. Went with the gold black onyx cufflinks. And dude I even had my name embossed inside the suit, sweet!” I open up my jacket.

“You’ve been watching my videos.” He realizes.

“Of course, and reading your diary, all the way back to when dad drove me to ‘New Starts’ and abandoned me. I’m good Willy, been watching you for a month.”

Just then my phone rings in breast pocket. I pull it out and see it’s Tommy.

“Now keep quiet Willy or you know what’ll happen.” I warn him as I answer. “What’s up Tommy? On your way…yeah early is good, I’m ready… Okay, that sounds good, see you soon.”

“Please don’t drug me bro, I’ll be quiet, I promise.”

“Sorry Willy, can’t take any chances. Besides, Tommy mentioned about having a drink when he gets here. Sounds like it’s routine for you guys. What does he drink?”

“Rum and Coke, lots in the fridge just for him.”

I grab the knock out needle and give him a dose.  He doesn’t fight me at all.

“Why thank you bro. I’ll see you later tonight maybe, if you’re awake.” I laugh as I leave and lock the door. 

Tommy walks in without knocking, making his way to my bar as I make my way down the stairs. He sees me and lifts the glasses.

“The usual?” 

“Sure, sounds good to me.”  he’s right at home, grabbing the rum and coke.

“Cheers!” he hands me one, we clink glasses and swig.

I follow Tommy’s lead the entire evening but I know enough about Will to discuss his trip, girlfriend and work. Tommy talks about his auditions for a few movies and a commercial. Sadly for him, I’m a bigger celebrity than he is, as a few people ask for my autograph while waiting to be seated. Tricia has seats for us right next to the window with the best view of LA. It a fun night as a few of Tricia’s friends join us. It’s easy playing Will and his friends. I have everything put on my tab. Thank god he has an early audition for a new Marvel movie, so we leave and I’m home by midnight. 

MORE WORK

I’m up early but Willy is out cold still. He looks like death, probably from all the injections and being upright on the chair for days. Not that I really care as it gives me more ‘Will Time’. To keep in character, I put on some of his work out gear, grab my iPod and do my usual run around the park. I work up quite the sweat but it probably helps with all the alcohol Tommy and I consumed. I check on Willy and he’s now awake and not happy. A quick injection allows me to get him relieved and toss him in the shower. He’s not putting up any resistance so I give him breakfast, leave him in the tub but making sure to securely handcuff him to a grip bar. I take my morning shower in the same shower so I can keep an eye on him.

Willy is so beaten that he’s stopped resisting completely and is cooperative even. Believing that by helping me, I’ll get what I want from him and leave him to his old life. What he’s doing is sealing his fate faster. Once I no longer need him, we’ll head up to my parent’s cabin in the mountains and he’ll be fertilizer. 

After I towel off, I sit on the toilet seat next to Willy.

“How you feeling Willy?” I ask trying to sound concerned.

“Please Will, can I stay here in the tub all day? I promise I’ll be good.”

“I think I can do that but you have to be knocked out. But sure thing. Tommy is a fun guy bro. He sure loves his rum & cokes. We had a blast. I think he was hurt that women were coming up to me for my autograph but not him.”

“Yeah, that’s happened before when we’re out.” He looks really down.

“What is it bro? you look sad.”

“What do you think? I’m chained up and I can’t believe people are falling for your act.” he gets a little feisty.

“Come on bro, how could they not think I was anybody but Will Witt? Don’t worry, no one suspects a thing, so we’re good but I need your help with today’s schedule – sorta of ‘what would Will do’ session just to make sure I don’t fuck anything up for you. Okay?”

“Sure Will, it’s what I live for.” he responds sarcastically.

“How do you come up with the topics for your MOTSs?” 

“Who do you think? Dad, you know how opinionated he is. When we had dinner in London, he rattled off six topics for me to cover and things he’d ask these snowflakes.”

“Ah I thought you sounded a lot like dad when interviewing people. That explains the notes on your iPad. By the way, I’m having dinner with the rents Friday night, having them meet Lisa.”  I just smile at him. “Now about today’s pics, what should I wear? ‘What would Will wear’?”

“We’ve been through this – my new bespoke suit.”

“Exactly what you’d wear today – into the office and for the shoot. I’m just trying to help you Willy.”

“Dennis is always pushing for me in more suits and ties, to be taken more seriously outside the campus forum. Keep it simple – black button down shirt, my charcoal brooks brothers suit. For the shoot, the bespoke of course and take all my new dress shirts and ties, many pairs of cufflinks. I love my gold paisley tie, the one you wore last night. Hopefully you didn’t ruin it.”

“No, I went with a black tie, so the paisley is fine.”

“There’s a large suit bag in the back of my closet that can hold everything you’ll need.’

“I have to tell you bro, I’m gaining a real appreciation for your closet. My tastes have really matured in the past months. What’s with the glasses though?”

“They’re for eye strain bro, giving my eyes a break now from the contact lenses. I also wear them for important interviews or meetings where I want to look more mature and smarter.”

“Well your glasses and contacts work great for me too. My eyes have been changing but I never had them checked. Now, what about the shoot? Who’s going to be there?  How does it work? What does Will do?” I press him.

“It’s a larger version of my down stair studio. Someone will come get me when it’s my turn, take me to changing room, then make up, then to the set – green screen. It’s easy really.  There’ll be people in and out all day long.”

“People like who?”

“Candace, Charlie Kirk, Dave Rubin, Guy Benson and many others.  It’ll be a few days of craziness.”

“Nice!  Do I have any nicknames or personal things with any of them?  Like, how do you address Candace? or Charlie?” He stutters and hesitates. “Spill it or more drugs. Besides, you don’t want me to fuck up anything with your friends now do you?”

“Candace is ‘Candy’ jokingly, she’s getting married in a few weeks.” He continues with the others. I’ll use the information but it sounds childish – something a more mature, evolving Will would never use.  I’ll phase that nonsense out. 

“Good to know. Thanks. I’ve got to get ready for work.” I grin at him.

Dennis Prager alluded to my evolving image during lunch and that I should be wearing more conservative outfits. I agree completely with the boss and love the image. With that in mind, I ignore Willy’s suggestion and go ultra conservative. I remember a beautiful light blue shirt with white contrasting collar and cuffs that ‘I’ve’ worn a few times. It would be ultra conservative with my gray Brooks. 

In Will fashion, I lay out my work outfit on the bed, adding all the details. When I’m satisfied, I pull it on my underwear and socks, pull on my pants.  After I add the belt, I pull on the Brooks shirt.  To keep with the Brooks theme, as Will likes to do, I select the Brooks tie that he wore previously. The whole image screams ultra conservative and looks great. I add white gold cufflinks, his smaller ring and gold watch. I pull on the jacket and stare at myself in the mirror. I put some gel in my hair then fix it exactly as in the pic I found in an old MOTS video. Oh, almost forgot my tie clip. He’s famous on Instagram for his tie clips? I clip one on and it completes my image. I flash a Will smile and fingers. “What’s Up Guys?”. 

I must have nailed the look because when I entered the toilet, Willy’s mouth dropped. In the bathroom mirror, I admire myself, tug on my cuffs and adjust my tie. I don’t say a word.

“Well aren’t you Will Witt.” He comments snidely but I ignore him for a few more minutes as I run my hand thru my hair.

“Who else would I be?” I turn around to face him. “What’s Up Guys, Will Witt for Prager U.” flash my peace sign to him, pretending I’m holding a microphone.

“Probably a better choice for today. No pocket square Will?” 

“Oh shit, totally didn’t notice.”

“In drawer under jewelry box.”  He answers me without even asking. I run to his closet, find a nice silk white one neatly folded in a square. I tuck it in my suit pocket and check myself out in the mirror quickly.

“Better?” He’s silent.

I pull out his preppy glasses and put on and off. “Glasses, no glasses?” I look at him.

“I don’t care, up to you.” 

“Know what, think I’ll have pics taken both ways. I think they make me look older, which would kill my ‘frat boy’ image on college campuses but might help me with the older generation.” I turn to look at his expression but he looks broken. “I love this suit bro, it fits me great. I made sure the knot was right by noting the length of the tie, and location of stripes. Not used to wearing one, almost forgot the tie clip – my fans would have blown up over such a faux pas.”

“True, they watch everything I post.”

“Ok bro, I need to get to work, busy day ahead. I’ll probably be late tonight because Mike wants to do Furley’s for happy hour. I’ll let you in the bathtub so you’re comfortable but how about something to help you sleep?”

“No don’t do that please, I’ll be good.” He begs.

I ignore him, grab the needle and knock him out for the day. 

I jump in my 911 and head in for another day in the life of Will Witt. The suit bag weighs about 30lbs and takes up the entire seat of my 911. Everyone accepts me and I keep learning more and more.  The lingo is coming naturally to me. The routine of emails, small talk and understanding my role is easy. 

I hang my suit bag and jacket on the back of my office door, grab my coffee mug and ease into the day.  Just before lunch, Nicki, one of the film staff comes for me – it’s my turn. I’m seated in in one of the dressing rooms, in a makeup chair, in front of the mirror. Collette comes in all smiles. 

“Will, you’re looking great.”

“You too, so let’s get started. I’ve got a lot to do today on top of these pics.”

“There’s something we’d like to do different this time.”

“Oh yeah? That sounds ominous.”

“Well, how about we cut your hair some?”

“Oh, I don’t know about that Collette, it’s my signature, my “conservative with the best hair”.” Sounding uncertain for effect.

“Well, I was talking to Dennis and Joel, and we feel you should be the focus, not your hair. We’re not talking about shaving your head, just toning down the cowlick some. If you don’t like, it’ll be back in a few months.”

I think about it for a minute, running my hand through my cowlick, looking at Will in the mirror. I’ve seen videos where the wind destroys his giant flop, part of his gig but in the end, I nod in approval and let Prager U redo my image. 

The ‘Will’ PR shoot was so simple, but time consuming.  They brought in some famous stylist from West Hollywood to cut my hair – it took an hour! They went through my suit bag and laid out a number of outfits but didn’t question my taste. They took multiple pics of me in 5 different outfits including what I wore in this morning. I was there for hours. At the end of the day, we head to Furley’s as planned for happy hour. I left on my new suit and last outfit I was photographed in. What a happy hour – hanging with Charlie Kirk, Ben Shapiro and other famous conservatives was incredible. Thanks to Will’s unedited interview videos, I knew exactly what small talk he had with a number of these conservative celebrities and played them perfectly. 

When I get home, my first stop is to taunt Willy still tied up in bathtub.

“Hey bro, this suit is simply amazing. You were right, the shoot was really easy, except for having to change every 20 minutes. Like my haircut?” I tease

“What did you do to my hair?” 

“Willy, remember, it’s my hair. It’s a shorter, more mature, conservative cut. Everyone loves it.  I still have the best hair of any conservative. I texted it to mom and she loves it too.” I open up the iPhone and scroll thru pics from the shoot, then laugh and leave to change into sweats. Following the same routine, I inject Willy, help him to bathroom, feed him and put him to bed. In just a few days, he’s totally changed from being in control to being dependent. He’s definitely a shadow of himself but I’m now casting his shadow.

Every day as Will gets easier as I seamlessly take over his life.  I’m sure I’ve slipped up a few times but since no one knows Will has a twin, who would suspect me? Wednesday at work was incredible. I helped with the rest of the PR shoot, chatted with all of my new conservative friends. I especially liked talking to Dave Rubin and Candace Owens.  I had dinner with everyone that evening and it went really late. By the time I got home, Willy had wetted himself. I was so pissed that I shoved a hot pocket in his mouth, hosed him off and drugged him heavily. 

On Thursday Gavi and I do a man on the street, at Santa Monica Pier. I nailed it – quickly picking up Will’s attitude and methods. It was easy after watching all his videos from the past year. Back in the office I sit down with Gavi, edit his video and work with Alexander to add the graphics.  

Willy is awake when I get home. His eyes scan me from top to bottom then he starts yelling through the ball gag.

“Hang on Willy.” I pop out the ball gag.

“I hate you Willy and I’m done playing your game.” He spits and hits me on my shorts. 

I gut punch him with all my force, then inject him to keep him docile. “Now Willy, we’ll get you on the potty and fed quickly. I don’t have a lot of time, Lisa and I are going to dinner at mom and dad’s. I really like her.”

I get Willy settled, take a quick shower and head out to pick up Lisa. Dinner is a breeze as Lisa is the center of attention. There’s no discussion of Willy at all – just about me and how proud they are of everything I’m doing. As I expected, they were totally clueless I wasn’t their precious little Will. I have to admit, it felt great being home. I showed Lisa my old bedroom and got a BJ on Will’s bed. It was like old times, like his other girlfriends I fooled. Mom and dad announced they’re heading to Hawaii to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary and ask me to watch the house while they’re gone. More time to get reacquainted with my new life as their loving son Will. I spend the night at Lisa’s but get up early to take care of things at home, then work.

Willy is awake and pissed more when I check in on him. 

“Morning Willy.” I cheerfully announce.

“You’re Willy asswipe.” He yells back.

I gut punch him with all my force. “Don’t make me repeat myself Willy, now who am I?”

“You’re Will, Will Witt.” He’s barely able to speak, I hit him so hard.

“Now that’s much better Willy. Let’s get you to the bathroom and fed.” I inject him and continue talking while it takes effect.

“So, mom and dad love Lisa bro.  I think she’s really falling for me.  She gave me a BJ in my old bedroom. Sadly, your old bedroom is now a workout room with no trace of you at all. I showed Lisa my swimming and track trophies, tried on my old letterman jacket and gave her the whole Will Witt history. Can you believe mom and dad are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary? I can’t!” I lay it on thick as the caring son that Will is. 

“Fuck off.” The mumbles.

“Oh Willy, don’t make me hurt you more.” I warn him. I can see the drugs have kicked in, and start untying him. Just as I loosen the last night, Willy tries a fast one on me, trying to tackle me to the floor.  I’ve wrestled him too many times and know his ‘plays’ and another gut punch and I’m dragging him into the bathroom. A quick shower, shit and breakfast bar and he’s good for another 12 hours.

Once he’s secured, I jump in shower and prep for another day in the office. Fridays are so routine with a team strategy meeting for upcoming projects/videos/content.  This is followed by lunch and office time till happy hour at Furley’s. After happy hour, I meet Lisa and a bunch of her friends out for more drinks and dancing, then back to her place.

END OF THE ROAD

I’m up early and skip out of Lisa’s, telling her I have some chores to do for my parents and I’ll be tied up all weekend. Willy is awake and thrashing about trying to get loose. I enter the bedroom smiling, and clap my hands.

“Willy, good news! Road trip bro! We’re going to the cabin to take care of some things for Dad. I thought you’d enjoy it.”

He stares at me, blood shot eyes, a week of facial hair, looking like crap. “Good, could I sleep in one of the bunk beds?”

“Sure thing bro, then we’ll talk about next steps here.” He calms down, feeling better, probably thinking he’s getting his life back.  He’s not. 

I drug him, give him a shower, get him dressed and fed. The next morning, I get him ready for 4 hour trip to the cabin. The dosage I gave him should keep him out for most of the trip. I pack some clothes and fishing gear in case I get the urge. We leave at 5am to avoid any traffic. 

He sleeps the entire journey and I don’t stop once. I’m careful to drive the speed limit to not attract any attention from state police. I pull up to the cabin before 9am. There’s no one around, no one on the lake even – all peaceful and quiet.  With Willy securely tied up in the car, I walk around the cabin inspecting the place, reminiscing about our family outings and fishing trips. In the rear about 500 feet from the house is an old well that’s been dry for years. Dad has been talking about filling it in for safety for years, but never did. It’s the perfect place to hide a body.

When I get back to the car, Willy is stirring. I help him out of the car and walk him inside the cabin. 

“Will, untie me please. My arms and wrists are killing me.” He pleas.

“Sure thing.” Knowing he’s drugged still and couldn’t run anywhere or harm me. 

We walk out to the back porch and I hand him a coke and sandwich. He sits on the step eating and enjoying the partial view of the lake.  I laced the coke with enough fentanyl to kill him – he’ll just pass out and die peacefully. 

“So what’s the plan Will? I guessing this is it for me.  Am I right.” As he takes a large chug of the coke.

“Yeah that’s about it Willy.  You won’t feel a thing though, you’ll just fall asleep. Hope you enjoyed the coke, no after taste?”

“Nah, it tasted fine. You know I need a few cokes a day to keep the energy up.”

“Yeah, it’s a habit I’ve had to adopt. You know Willy, I’ve always been a better you and this life is perfect for me. Don’t worry, I love my new life and have seamlessly integrated into it.  I’ll take good care of it.”

He’s in a daze now, the drug is kicking in. I help him up and over to an Adirondack chair near the fire pit.  He puts his head back and starts breathe erratically. Within minutes he stops breathing. I waste no time stripping and dumping him in the well. I grab a shovel and start shoveling dirt into the well until I can’t see any evidence. For good measure I add another foot of dirt on top of that. 

I’m exhausted after that, take a shower and dress in clean clothes. In town I grab a bite at Palmer’s diner – a dive with good food. As I’m sitting there finishing up with a piece of Apple pie, Rob Decker, an old friend of me and Will come up to me. He’s a local who owns a few small businesses, most inherited from his father. 

“Will! How are you man? Why didn’t you let me know you were coming?” He grabs my hand and shakes it hard. 

“Rob, good to see you! Dad asked me to check on the cabin and I needed a break from LA. I’m heading back to tomorrow.”

“Dude, got your gear?”

“Of course, was going to try the old creek before heading home.”

“I’ll join you, heck, even Tommy will go.  He’ll be thrilled to see you. He was talking about your videos on Facebook.”

“Sound great Rob, stop by tomorrow morning whenever.”

Back at the cabin, I start a campfire and relax. Once it’s burning good, I grab Willy’s clothes and toss it all in. I have an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and freedom now. I have a few beers and watch the fire slowly burn out. Sunday morning Rob and Tommy show up at 6am. They don’t even mention my brother Willy even though we were all friends growing up. We have a blast and they want to come to the big city and party with me soon.

I fly back late Sunday afternoon and clean up my condo – unmounting the chair, smoothing over the holes in my carpet, cleaning the bathroom and tossing out the rest of Willy’s clothes. I call Lisa and invite her to my place tomorrow night for dinner and love making.

Monday morning I’m in full Will Witt mode. I wake up and take my run, shower and fuss with my hair for 20 minutes. In keeping with Dennis’ wishes, I up my conservative appearance to match my new haircut. My new bespoke Saville Row suit anchors my identity as the only Will Witt. It’s teamed with my favorite blue Brooks Brothers shirt with white contrasting cuffs and collars.  I pair it with my new shoes and favorite tie I’ve worn a few times.  Joel loves my new attitude and appearance. At lunch, I pull a typical Will move – I escape to a nearby restaurant, hang out and work on my schedule as is habit. 

Life is great now. I have tons of friends and fans. Prager U is very lucrative and I’m in demand across the US and world for speaking appearances. No one suspects I’m not Will. I love the notoriety and acceptance. I even love my preppy wardrobe and new style. It’s grown on me and I’ll maintain it.  

[fakecrfan]

[Martin + Tapes] bro, what's the Eye gonna do when it figures out that Martin's gonna die of old age some day? I feel like it'd either A. "Oh shit!!! — wait, we got the Archivist all marked up? Good, great," and Jon would recite the ritual out of nowhere or B. Find a different way to preserve him a la book of the trapped dead or the coffin

Okay I could see this going one of three ways.

1: The Eye does have that realization, panics, and ends the world so that it can keep Martin and friends alive as one big happy polycule for the rest of eternity (until the End shows up and awkwardly clears its throat, at least). Or Surely Martin will be happy about it. Eventually. Any day now he’ll stop crying.

I am leaning away from this. Not because I don’t love it, but because I already wrote a whole thing about Martin being courted by the Eye in the apocalypse, and I don’t want to repeat myself too much. Plus I feel like the fanfic Beloved has already accomplished this sort of guilded cage angst better than I could, with Jon as the object, so I’d recommend anyone who wants to see more of this sort of thing to just go and read that and maybe wheedle @inklingofadream into giving us more of that sweet sweet Beholding/Jon content :D

2: The Eye doesn’t have the foresight to realize that Martin is going to Die Someday. Even after multiple kidnapping and death scares. Once the immediate threat of death is out of sight the Eye, like a distractible toddler, forgets completely about it in favor of going 😍 Martin! Martin, Martin, Martin!

And so Martin one day gets to slip away quietly in his sleep because the Eye is too much of a dumbass to prepare for future eventualities. The Web consoles its poor dumb sibling and tries not to laugh too hard.

3: My favorite one for this scenario: as you said, the Eye keeps Martin alive some other way. Not the book of trapped dead, I think, except as a last resort. Just--the situation goes on and Martin’s sanity gets whittled away. And then one day, (some time after Melanie has managed to quit?) he says something like “You guys are gonna make me go grey. You’re gonna drive me to an early grave.”

Jon looks at him unblinkingly. “No er won’t,” he says. “We won’t let you die. At all.”

And then Martin realizes that he hasn’t aged. That people have mistaken him for 19 for years. That he hasn’t gotten a single new spot on his skin since he got a job at the Institute.

Martin tries to blind himself, then.

(cw: attempted suicide, self injury, non-consensual restraint, denial of bodily autonomy, attempted manipulation, and slight (?) non-consensual body modification of the ‘‘protective, not allowed to be Injured” variety.)

Martin is pinned down before he can get his hands on a sharp object. But by now he’s gotten a lot better at playing them. So instead of trying to fight he just goes limp, forces all thoughts of escaping or dying out of his mind and looks up at Jon with the biggest eyes and goes Oh, you guys are right, thank you for stopping me. I’m not going to blind myself, that would be awful! Can you let me go now?🥺

“Eh, I don’t know,” Sasha says. “He’s opening his eyes a fraction wider the way he does when he’s trying to manipulate us.”

😅 Whaaaat, no. Definitely not! I was just scared for a second. Anyway, my arms are all itchy are you going to hold me down forever? 😭 That’s so mean you guys are so cruel sometimes! 🥺

“Well,” Tim says uncomfortably. “It would be really mean to hold him down too long...”

Martin gives the most Convincing lip wibble and starts to tear up, and then they let him go. He doesn’t make an immediate move to reach for something sharp, and lets them all hug him and hugs them back even! 🤗 Yay!

The next time, Martin gets close enough that he actually slices his temple before they wrestle the awl away.

This time they actually tie him down to a chair while they pace around and try to figure out what to do. Martin schools his expression and thoughts into the perfect picture of remorse, even sheds a few tears and says he’s so sorry. The others are still too antsy to let him go so easily this time.

“But we can’t just tie him down forever,” Tim insists again. “It isn’t like that one fantasy he had back when he was 21 and he got really into yugioh abridged series fanfiction!”

Martin’s eye twitches a little at being reminded of that.

“Yes but we can’t let him blind himself and die either!” Sasha says. “That’s even worse! Remember: death--bad!”

Sasha points to a chart she made with various arguments about how death is the Worst. Points on it include “likelihood all Martin thoughts will stop after death: 100%” and “Research shows that after being dead no one can feel happy, because the part of the brain that makes the happy chemicals shuts off.” The others nod solemnly.

“We can’t let him go until we can be certain--”

“But he’s gotten too good at controlling his thoughts for us to ever be certain all of the time,” Jon says, distressed. “And he’s upset. He doesn’t like this. He’s going to cry.”

Martin is about to genuinely cry, but he also starts to play it up once they notice.

They keep arguing until Martin starts to doze off a bit. When they wake him up and tell him that they’ve come to a decision, he expects to be love bombed for a few days while they try to Convince him how wonderful it would be to live forever with them. He gets ready to play along, to (pretend to) open up about his fears and accept reassurance, to--

Goggles?

“So you can’t blind yourself when they’re on,” Elias, who came down at some point, says with a smug grin. (He’s the one who came up with the idea, so course he’s decided it’s Genius.)

“Oh,” Martin says. “Yeah, sure! That makes--sense?”

He looks at the goggles. He expects to find a lock or something on them, but no. Just regular motorcycle goggles. Kind of cool looking, because of course they’ve been selected according to his taste.

He bats away a thought about how easy it will be to just take them off. None of them seems to have noticed, so he lets out a sigh of relief.

“Excellent,” Elias says, smugly. “Will you do the honors then, Jon?”

Martin is about to protest he can put them on himself once they untie him. But Jon nervously steps forward and puts them on himself before he can. And that’s fine, they’re gonna let him go once he’s got them on so he can deal with that. They slip on comfortably, and Jon holds them there longer than he strictly has to.

“Right,” Martin says. “On now. Can you let--”

Then, he feels the goggles melt into his face.

It’s not painful. Not exactly. The point isn’t to torture him, after all. But he feels them burrowing into his skin and fuse into the bones on his face and it’s wrong, it’s wrong. He screams. He thrashes.

“Hold him tighter,” Elias instructs.

Martin can hear Jon make a distressed sob through the white hot terror that makes all of Martin’s senses turn to static. He feels more hands grab onto his head to quell his thrashing--probably Tim, he’s got a stronger hold than Sasha. Soon he can’t even move his head, just sob as he feels the things welded into his skull.

They do let him go afterwards, as promised. Martin’s out of his mind then. No thoughts, just get them off. He claws at his face and violently bangs his head against the walls and the floors.

“Don’t stop him,” Elias tells the others when they cry and reach out to stop him. “This is how he will understand.”

Because nothing will crack the goggles. They’re supernaturally reinforced. Martin beats that realization into himself, and then crumples on the floor breathless. The others swarm around him then. They hold his hands and gently stroke his hair.

“It’s okay.” Tim. That’s Tim. “We’re here with you.”

“It’s going to be so much better now.” Definitely Sasha. “Just think about all of the things you’ll get to see over the next century!”

“I’m sorry.” That’s Jon. Choked up and barely able to get the words out. “Martin--”

“We love you.”

Martin can’t tell who says that one, but it makes him snap and scream until he’s frothing at the mouth with rage. Because he’s finally too spent to stop himself from shouting all of the things he’s been keeping in. 

No you don’t! No you don’t!

[byunbaekby]

title — a chaotic christmas pairing — doyoung x male reader genres — angst, fluff, soulmate au, christmas! warnings — language word count — 3.5k summary — you’ve finally come to terms with the fact that you have a crush on your friend, doyoung. but something throws a wrench in your plans, and all of a sudden nothing is going right anymore. additional — this is a very late and very belated fic release gift for my favorite doyoung simp @puppywritings​​. it’s me! i’m your secret santa and i come bearing gifts of soulmate!doyoung. when i saw that i had gotten you, i was so excited to write for you and our favorite boy! i’m sorry that i released this so late, but it’s here now. you requested a mix of angst and fluff, plus chaos and “everything would be solved if they just talked to each other.” hope you like it! may 2021 bring blessings and more doyoung content for you, love. 

“So, you like Doyoung.”

Ten’s bold statement causes you to choke, spitting out the hot cocoa you’re currently consuming. Heat covers your throat, but your coughing interrupts the sweetness of the chocolate. In your fit of coughs, Ten doesn’t even laugh.

When you finally come to, you sputter. “What—What makes you say that?” Now, your friend laughs, but it’s a dry chuckle that leaves his lips as if he’s laughing at you. “I don’t—” You cough again. “—like Doyoung. I mean, he’s nice, and tall, and funny—especially when he’s making fun of you, but, no! Well, I like him as a friend, I mean.” 

The look on your friend’s face is not at all convinced. “Sure…” 

You lean forward. Clearly your act is done and the curtains are closed. Now, your voice suddenly dips lower into a whisper, as if anyone in the mall food court would be listening to you. “How did you know?” 

Ten scoffs. “Sweetheart, everyone knows. Everyone except you and Doyoung, apparently.” A groan leaves your lips as you sit back in the seat, placing your cup of hot cocoa onto the table with a disgruntled expression. “Why don’t you tell him?” 

“We’re not soulmates, and everyone deserves to be with their soulmate,” you answer, eyes sad as you play with your cup mindlessly. Ten shoots you a pointed look before saying, “Not everyone has to be with their soulmate, Y/N. You know that.”

It’s true. Everyone is born with a soulmate, whom they must find because they share a tattoo somewhere on their body. Though the world loves to push soulmates together, it’s become commonplace for people not to pursue their relationships with the ones the universe had deemed them perfect for. Sometimes those relationships don’t work out, or people are unhappy with who they have. In any case, it’s fairly common for people to choose their own relationships. But, that’s not the case with your friend group. Though it had been just you, Doyoung, Ten, and Kun since the beginning of university, the group had been expanded when the latter two introduced their soulmates into the friend group.

“Easy for you to say, you have Johnny,” you scoff, crossing your arms across your chest. “And Kun has Seunghee. You guys are the perfect couples, and I don’t want to mess up what Doyoung and I have because we tried to date but weren’t soulmates.” Your voice is sullen as you shake your head, as though the action could dispel any lingering thoughts and romantic feelings you had for your friend Doyoung. 

“Listen,” says Ten, voice suddenly serious. “He likes you too.”

“Don’t give me false hope.” 

“I’m not!”

The look you give him is enough to make him do a double take. “Did you ask him, or hear it directly from him?”

“... No.”

His answer brings about a roll of your eyes. “Then you don’t know that he likes me back.” 

“It’s obvious! Just like how your feelings are obvious,” he exclaims, downing the rest of his coffee down his throat (along with a shake of your head). When you ask why he cares so much, he sighs. “Because it’s so goddamn frustrating! You guys have known each other for years now, and you’ve been tiptoeing around each other for so long, it’s so annoying.” His hand comes out to rub his forehead, as if your mutual (?) pining with Doyoung could bring about physical pain. 

It’s true that you’ve hidden your feelings for Doyoung for a while now… When the four of you met at your university’s freshman orientation, you and Doyoung had instantly clicked. Of course, you were all close but it seemed that you and Doyoung always had an especially close bond. You do like him; he’s intelligent and well-spoken (and perhaps a little blunt), but his gummy smile makes your heart melt every time. You just hadn’t realized that it had been so deathly obvious to your other friends. Hopefully… Doyoung hadn’t caught on either. 

Biting down on your lip, you look up from where you had been staring at the ground in thought and back to Ten across the table. “You really think he likes me?”

“I’m about 89.45% sure. I should talk to him about it.” 

“No!” You suddenly exclaim, not realizing how loud your voice rose in the public food court, attracting a few eyes from nearby shoppers. “Wait—maybe… maybe you should. You can talk to him and then tell me what he says. But don’t make it obvious! Don’t tell him we talked about him.” 

Ten rolls his eyes at your dramatic worry. “I’m not completely conspicuous like you are.” Then he stands, tossing his empty Starbucks paper cup into the nearby trash can. “Now hurry up, I have to get Johnny’s gift before they run out of maid’s outfits.”

Your hand meets your forehead in a facepalm. 

-

It seems like nowadays Ten’s mission is to annoy Doyoung to the max. 

“Is Johnny busy or something?” asks Doyoung through gritted teeth as Ten spins around in his desk chair. The former had been trying to study when the Thai man paid him a visit at his apartment to disturb his peace. Ten simply continues to spin in perpetual circles on Doyoung’s chair, seemingly not a care in the world. 

“No,” replies Ten. “I just wanted to hang out with you, bro.”

Doyoung grimaces at his friend. “Please don’t call me that.”

“I could call you mom like I call Kun.” 

“No thanks,” responds the dark haired male with a quiet chuckle as he grabs a packet of ramen from the pack atop his fridge. As Doyoung begins to pour some water into the pot on the stove, Ten suddenly stops spinning and he’s seemingly not dizzy at all, seeing as he walks forward to lean on the kitchen counter. 

“So, how are you, buddy?” He suddenly asks, trying to remain casual but failing poorly. Ten’s never been the type for small talk. 

Doyoung knows this, so he cocks an eyebrow over his steaming pot of ramen. “I’m doing just fine, buddy.” Ten nods in understanding, thoughtfully rubbing his chin. At this point, Doyoung has given him a clearly confused expression. “Okay, what do you want? You only show up unannounced to steal my food or complain, and you’re doing neither.” 

The man in question fakes an overly dramatic gasp, hand on his chest. “How could you accuse me of something like that? I just want to catch up with my friend.” 

Pouring his ramen into a bowl Doyoung rolls his eyes. “Are you here to gossip then?” 

“Ask me how I am first.”

A dry laugh leaves Doyoung’s lips before he capitulates. “Fine. How are you?”

“I’m doing great, thank you for asking. You know why? Because I found out some spicy information.” 

“Do share,” drawls Doyoung as he blows his ramen, though he seems not at all interested. Oh, he’ll be interested after this, thinks Ten mischievously. 

“I found out that Y/N has a crush on someone.” 

A sputter is heard from Doyoung’s end as he chokes on the few ramen pieces he had been slurping during his friend’s reveal. Wow, thinks Ten. The two of you are more alike than you think. After he clears his throat, he speaks, “Y/N has a crush on someone.” Ten nods proudly. Doyoung blinks, running a hand through his dark locks. “Okay, um… that’s good for him. Why are you telling me this though?”

The man in question shrugs, a mischievous grin on his lips. This is exactly how he wanted it to go. “Just thought I’d let you know. So you can prepare for having another person join the group.”

“Oh, well… I guess that leaves me as the only single person in the group, then,” says Doyoung, voice softened as he looks down at his noodles. 

“Yep,” responds Ten with a tone much too cheerful for his friend’s previous tone, popping the ‘p.’ If he hadn’t been so occupied with staring thoughtfully into his food Doyoung would have noticed. Ten’s plan is working just as desired. 

“Oh,” Doyoung suddenly speaks up. “I forgot to tell you. I found my soulmate.” 

Oh, shit. 

Ten blinks. “W-What? You met your soulmate?”

Now Doyoung rubs his nape, looking a bit sheepish. “I did…” With the slight smile that Doyoung wears on his lips, Ten can see that the man must be enamored by his new soulmate. When had he met them? How had he found out? Did he see their tattoo? Ten is seeing his plan crumbling right before his eyes. 

Of all their friends, Doyoung was the most hopeless romantic. He romanticized the idea of finding his soulmate, someone who held half of his soul. He would surely much rather pursue his soulmate, but Ten hadn’t taken that into consideration. After all, he hadn’t expected Doyoung to find his soulmate right as he planned to get his two best friends together!

“Well, that’s… good, isn’t it?” 

Still looking down, staring deeply into his bowl of noodles, Doyoung nods. “Yeah, I guess it is.” 

Oh god, Y/N will be devastated to find out, and it’ll be all his fault. 

-

The look on your face when he tells you is one he’d like to forget. You’ve liked Doyoung for so long, even if you had only come to terms with it a while ago. Ten knows this, and so he feels even worse for being the one to give you hope. 

“Y/N, I’m s—”

“Don’t apologize,” you cut him off, wearing a cheery smile on your lips. Even from a mile away, Ten would be able to tell how fake it is. “This is good, right? I told you, he’s supposed to find his soulmate. That’s how the universe works.” 

Today instead of the mall, you’re both sitting on the couch in Ten’s apartment and now you hug the couch pillow close to your chest. You look sad, and Ten almost feels pain from how defeated you look. “I’m sorry, because I gave you hope and you told me not to.” 

“It’s okay,” you say, suddenly standing from your spot on the couch. Next, you give a dry laugh, but it comes out strained. “Since when did you ever listen to what I said, anyways?” 

“Y/N, it’s okay to be upset.”

“I’m not,” you deny, beginning to walk out of the living room. “But I have to go get some more Christmas gifts before the mall closes. I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Y/N,” he calls once more. There’s no stopping you, he knows, so he follows you instead. “It’s snowing outside. Let’s go together, at least.”

“No,” you say, giving him a small smile as you slip your shoes on. “You’re one of the people I have to get gifts for. I’ll just take a taxi or something. Bye, Ten. Thanks for… trying, I guess.” And then you leave, and he swears that as you disappear from his home and out onto the snowy cold street, he sees the ghost of pain on your face. 

-

It’s a week of avoiding Doyoung and practically everyone when he finally calls you. Seeing his name light up on your phone makes you bite down on your lip in fear. You don’t know what it is that’s made you ignore him and the rest of your friends for a week, but… you needed time apart. 

“Hello?” You ask, trying to keep your voice natural.

“Y/N,” says Doyoung on the line, and you have to physically stop yourself from sighing into his tone. His voice is dark and deep as usual, you’ve missed hearing it. “Why have you been avoiding me?” 

He’s always been straight-forward, and you don’t even have time to be surprised that he’s caught you. But, you can’t tell him the truth. “I haven’t been avoiding you,” you lie. “I’ve just been… busy. Christmas shopping and stuff. Plus, it’s really cold outside, I don’t really like going outside.” 

There's silence, then Doyoung sighs. “Is everything alright?” 

No, not really. “Yeah,” you tell him. “Everything’s fine, I promise.” 

“Is it about that person? Ten mentioned that you liked someone, and were considering telling them.” It’s you, you dimwit. You want to tell him that, but you can’t. It’ll only ruin everything he’s supposed to have with his soulmate. “You know, you can always come talk to me about it. I’m not experienced in dating, but I’ll give you all the advice I have.” His words are accompanied by a small laugh.

You can’t help but smile. That’s why you’ve always liked him so much. Despite being blunt and sometimes brutally honest, he is always there for you. “Thanks, Doyoung,” you respond gratefully. “I’ll be in touch, I promise.” 

“Okay, good. I miss having you around, anyways. You left me to fifth wheel the couples,” he says, referring to your friends and their significant others. 

You laugh, and it’s a happy sound albeit dampened by the reminder that you can’t like him anymore the way you do right now. “Sorry about that. I’ll be around soon.” 

“Okay. Talk to you later?”

“Yeah.” 

Then he hangs up, and when he does, he’s left staring at Kun’s face from across the table. “I don’t know what to do,” he admits to his friend.

-

“What the hell did you do, Ten?” Kun says as he bursts into Ten’s apartment, having just finished meeting Doyoung at the coffee shop. The man in question is sitting on his couch watching a movie when he looks up at the sudden appearance of his friend. “How can you be sitting on the couch when your friends’ friendships are falling apart?”

Ten’s eyes widen. “You mean Doyoung and Y/N?” The Thai man suddenly jumps up to his feet, knocking over his bowl of popcorn. “I don’t know what I did! I was just trying to get them together and then everything went to shit!” 

He runs his hands through his hair, making it run crazy. Even without the appearance of Kun to scold him, he’s clearly been torn up by the situation as well. 

“Just… tell me what you did,” says Kun calmly, for he had always been the calm and level-headed mediator.

“Okay.” Ten takes a deep breath, recalling all of the events of the past few weeks. “Y/N told me that he liked Doyoung.” At Kun’s pointed look he retracts his words. “Okay, I tricked him into confessing it to me, but that’s beside the point! Then, he asked me to talk to Doyoung about it and find out if Doyoung liked him too. But then Doyoung told me that he found his soulmate! And when I told Y/N he got really sad and upset about it, and now he’s been ignoring me for a week!” 

“Y/N is Doyoung’s soulmate, you daft twit!” 

Ten stops in his tracks, eyes wide. “Wait—what did you just say?”

“I just met with Doyoung, and he told me that Y/N is his soulmate. He said he didn’t tell anyone because you told him that Y/N likes someone else, when we all know that Y/N has been heart-eyes for Doyoung since the beginning of time!” Kun exclaims at him, rubbing the space between his eyes where a headache has formed when he finishes. 

Ten simply stands there in the mess of popcorn and couch pillows, blinking with his crazed hair. “Oh god, I’ve created a shit show.” 

“Everything would be solved if they just talked to each other,” whines Kun as he collapses onto the couch. Ten follows beside him, simply staring into the space before sighing. “We have to fix this.” 

Then suddenly, as though possessed by a strange energy, Ten asks, “Why did Doyoung tell you and not me?” 

“He was asking me for advice. And obviously he wouldn’t tell you, look at the mess you made!”

-

Your fingers are freezing as you type out a text to Kun on your phone. He had asked you to meet up with him at the cafe you often frequented in the town square to catch up over hot chocolate, and despite the fact that you had been ignoring your friends for quite a while, you figured… you’ll have to face them eventually. The only problem is… he’s late. 

The snow crackles beneath your shoes as you rock back and forth on the balls of your feet outside the cafe. Kun isn’t one to be late, always favoring punctuality, so you’re perplexed. But it’s only his first time being late, so you’ll go easy on him. 

“God,” you sigh. Tapping your hands on your cheeks, where the cold has begun to steal your sensation of feeling from them, you look around again. “Where is he?” 

“Sorry to keep you waiting.”

You turn to find the owner of the voice, but it’s not Kun. A breath leaves your lips, seen in the air. “Doyoung? What are you doing here?”

“You’ve been ignoring me,” he says, straight-forward as always. Though you haven’t seen him in a short while, he still takes your breath away upon first glance. He’s dressed today in a black coat atop a black turtleneck, and you see even the bulb of his nose has become reddened from the cold. Now there’s really no avoiding the situation. “I figured you wouldn’t respond if I asked, so I had Kun set it up.” 

He’s caught you in the act. “I…” You don’t know what to say. “I’m sorry.” 

“Why?” He asks, hands tucked into his pockets. The way his eyebrows furrow into his forehead make him look even more hurt beyond understanding, and you feel horrible. 

You can’t tell him… It will ruin everything he’s supposed to have with his soulmate. You’re sure by now, that he must have already had time to spend in the presence of his soulmate, learning their ins and outs to savor for the rest of their lives together. But even against your common sense… it comes out. 

“I like you.” 

Doyoung’s lips fall open just the slightest, but you continue. “I like you, God, I like you so much. But Ten told me that you found your soulmate, and I didn’t want to ruin anything. I know that soulmates are just stupid excuses for the universe’s matchmaking, but even so, you should be with your soulmate… Doyoung, I like you so much, and knowing that I couldn’t have you just hurt even more. I know, it was selfish of me to ignore you but I just… can’t look at you and accept that.” You sigh. “It doesn’t matter anyways. I… I’m sorry.”

You begin to turn away, figuring you’ve all but ruined your friendship with your favorite person, but a force tugging on your hand causes you to stop. Doyoung has wrapped his nimble fingers around the circumference of your wrist, and he speaks firmly:

“You are my soulmate.”

You stop in your tracks. Eyes wide, you turn back to him. “What did you just say?”

The eyes that he looks at you with are warm, like a blazing crimson fire in the cold night of winter. “You’re my soulmate. And if you were hurt thinking I found my soulmate, imagine how I felt being ignored by my soulmate.”

“How do you know?” You ask. You’ve been friends with Doyoung for years; there’s no way this information of him being your soulmate has evaded you this long. “How do I know you’re not lying?” 

“Do you remember that night, a few weeks ago? When we got caught in the rain walking back from the library, and ran into my apartment? I gave you a shirt so you could change, and then I saw it.”

Your soulmate tattoo. 

“A rabbit, on the side of your torso.”

Your tattoo (which had been the source of your embarrassment for many years) had never been seen by any of your friends before. Now, it’s your time to be surprised, lips falling open. Despite the cold, you feel heat rise in your body and your heartbeat begins to quicken. 

“You’re…” You start, but find yourself speechless. He finishes for you, a sweet smile on his lips.

“Your soulmate.” He takes your hand in his. “And you’re mine.” 

“Oh my god,” you sigh, free hand coming to meet your forehead in a facepalm. “I’ve been such a shitty person the past few weeks, I’m so sorry. You’re… You’re really my soulmate.”

“Yeah, I am.” He smiles, gums showing proudly as you finally let him in.  Now, he holds up a finger. “And I’ll forgive you for ignoring me, on one condition.” 

“What is it?”

“Go into this cafe with me, let me buy you hot chocolate, and tell me everything about my soulmate.”

A laugh leaves your lips, delighted and emotional as you nod. “We’ve been friends for years, you already know everything about me.” He begins to pull you by the hand into the cafe, the ringing bell of the door sounding familiar to his laugh.

“Well, tell me again. I’d love to hear it.” 

[qiankunfics]

JohnKun Masterlist - Part 1

AO3

1. rearranged by renjaune - 

Summary: johnny has to share a room with his long-time crush thanks to haechan Rating: Explicit  Status: One-shot

2.  Wow, Bulge by lunalius J

Summary: Johnny's always dreamed of getting a soulmate tattoo and meeting his other half. The hand the Fates end up dealing him is not so dreamy. Rating: Teen  Status: One-shot

3. The Blue Antonov by tentography 

Summary: Kun runs a small bookstore and Johnny, a famous actor, stumbles into his life. Yes, this is absolutely a Notting Hill AU. Rating: Teen Status: On-going 

4. don't take my breath away too soon by sofarsoperfect 

Summary:  Like if he falls asleep he really has to start saying goodbye to the NCT 2020 era and he’s not sure he’s ready to do that yet. Rating: Teen Status: One-shot

5. put me right in my place by sofarsoperfect

Summary: “I am,” he replies. His voice is soft and velvety, warm and syrupy. Johnny leans down to nudge their noses together, Kun smiling softly as he does so. Rating: Explicit  Status: One-shot Trigger: Kinks

6. An Open Wound by lunalius 

Summary: Kun's life is thrown off balance when he stumbles upon a dying Youngho. Rating: Mature Status: One-shot Trigger: Blood & Injury

7. You're an Idiot (but you're My Idiot) by samuraiseonghwa

Summary: Sometimes disasters make the best dates. Rating: General Status: One-Shot

8. from one shadow to another by rowenabane

Summary: Kun has the audacity to smile. “Oh, Johnny,” he says. “You really are a man after my own heart.” Rating: Mature Status: One-Shot Trigger: Blood & Injury 

9. Indebted by lunalius

Summary: Johnny has three credit cards, of which one is frozen into an ice block for his own good.  Rating: Teen  Status: One-Shot  Trigger: Possible irresponsible spending 

10. you warmly melted me by blazingsirius

Summary: For a while, Qian Kun’s life is a bumbling mess between juggling his Master’s study, working as a budding producer, and being a single father. Johnny Suh came somewhere in between and suddenly everything felt okay. Rating: General  Status: One-Shot 

11. Here Comes The Prince, The Royal Frogness by blazingsirius

Summary: Prince Johnny was forced to attend a ball his parents held to find him a partner, but he found a way to escape the ball, which ended with a wrongful meeting with a magical being that put him in a curse. Somehow, a (literally) poor guy, Kun, got dragged into the mess. And oh, they’re both frogs now.  Rating: General Status: One-shot

12. Addictive Frequency by Sakunade

Summary: Johnny misses Kun, misses spending time together and having the younger in his bed. Kun is beautiful, perfect, and has the most delicious ass Johnny's ever seen. Rating: Explicit  Status: One-Shot

13. brightest light by tentography

Summary: Their summer had only just begun when Kun asks him to stay beneath the neon lights of the 7-eleven, bathing them in an electric mix of fluorescent white and bright orange-green-red. Rating: Teen Status: On-going 

14. johrny (horny 4 johnny) by borntovixx 

Summary: Johnny lifts weights without wearing a shirt and Kun can't stop staring at his muscles flexing – is it advisable to ask your crush if you could to lick his abs pretty please? It definitely isn't, but Kun's brain short-circuits and gives in to the cacoethes. Rating: Teen  Status: One-Shot

15. cream stuffed buns by farthendur

Summary: straight frat bros johnjae discover they feel real weird around neighborhood baker and DILF kun. Rating: Explicit  Status: On-going

16. in all glory by farthendur

Summary: Captain Qian Kun and First Officer Johnny Suh spend an intimate and spicy night in their quarters. What could possibly ruin it? Rating: Explicit  Status: One-Shot

17. We Got Married International - Johnny and Kun by jhengchie

Summary:  We got married International edition with Johnny as the member of the popular KPOP idol group Limitless and Kun is the beloved Chinese soloist Rating: General  Status: One-Shot

18. dubrovnik by lowkeyamen

Summary: Johnny takes off to Croatia, and meets someone from his past he didn't even recognise. Rating: Explicit  Status: Completed  *trans!Kun

19. this will be by sofarsoperfect

Summary: “When we do trade them back,” Johnny says and the inevitably of it makes Kun’s stomach twist in knots, “we really have to find something better.” (Parent Trap AU)  Rating: Teen  Status: One-Shot

20. The Moonlight after Midnight by writesinfontuwu

Summary: They shared a memorable night in Osaka two years ago. Now they are reunited for NCT2020, Johnny feels his heart thumping in his chest again. Rating: Explicit Status: One-Shot

21. Up or Down by lamarina

Summary: Caught between a cute TA and a foreign language credit, what's a guy to do? Rating: Teen Status: One-Shot

22. Is this a scoop? - in the eyes of Mark Lee by cherrycitrus_blossom

Summary:  Who is that customer and what relationship does he have with Johnny to make his eyes light up in delight when he walks through the door? Rating: General Status: One-Shot

23. I Love You Still by nu-exo (Nekohime)

Summary: JohnKun Agent AU  Rating: Explicit  Status: One-Shot

24. turn the lights on by jeanheir

Summary: Kun’s soft snores fill the room, the other man sleeping peacefully without a care in the world. It’s almost cruel, how unbothered he seems. Rating: General Status: One-Shot

25. Bad Kind of Player by Sakunade

Summary: The plan was supposed to be easy - count cards, win money, and be done with it. Except Kun chose the wrong casino, one under the control of Seo Youngho, known as Johnny, the rising head of the Gyeonghui jo-pok.  Rating: Explicit  Status: Completed Trigger: Kinks

26. red, gold (burning) by tentography

Summary: Kun Qian and the Audacity Of This Bitch (HP AU!)  Rating: Teen Status: Completed 

27. In-Sync Heartbeats by mezzaluna_ch

Summary: This is the piece he plays every time he wants to escape reality in haste. This is the piece he plays every time he thinks of Johnny. Now, Johnny is the one playing it. Rating: Teen Status: One-Shot

28. I Owe You by seungwanxndxnly

Summary:  Only Johnny's big crush on Kun can hold him back. Rating: Teen Status: One-Shot

29. superluminal by wentz

Summary: A man who can only be the captain of the smuggling vessel stands at the top of the ship's ramp, cutting a roguish picture as he leans with one arm against one of the hydraulic pillars. He looks supremely dashing. Kun dislikes him on sight. Rating: Mature Status: One-Shot

30. Shoot For the Moon by lunalius

Summary: Kun wants to go to space. He's got a plan to get there, and he's following it to a tee.  Rating: Explicit  Status: Completed

31. he was a superhero, he was a seamstress, can i make it any more obvious by fvckradio

Summary: Superhero Kun with Seamstress Johnny  Rating: Teen Status: One-Shot Trigger: Mentions of blood and injury 

32. just a touch of your love by seonho

Summary: Kun is rather mild in his kinks — not entirely vanilla, but then again, certainly nothing as scandalous as having his blood sucked out of him. (Vampire) Johnny Suh, however, poses a very tempting threat to those convictions. Rating: Explicit  Status: One-Shot Trigger: Blood 

33. So I Can Fix Your Hand, I'll Be Your Handyman by IsabelArmuelles

Summary:  Johnny dislikes his landlady but is very much crushing on her step-son, the handyman.  Rating: Teen Status: One-Shot

34. connect the dots, baby! by rowenabane

Summary: Johnny suspects Kun of being a serial killer.  Rating: Teen Status: One-Shot

35. Countercurrent Exchange by indiecheetah

Summary:  Johnny wasn’t exactly a believer. He never thought monsters or cryptids were real, always finding those stories amusing at best. But even all of his years of knowledge of marine life could not explain this creature. Rating: Teen Status: One-Shot

36. Inevitably Loving You by occultclysms

Summary: Prince Kun and Celebrity Johnny fake date.  Rating: Teen Status: One-Shot

 37. i'm stepping on the cracks (i feel fine) by sofarsoperfect

Summary: Sprite Kun and Human Johnny - Kun seeks refuge with Johnny ;)  Rating: Explicit Status: One-Shot

38. Domestic Bliss by cobalamincosel

Summary: Johnny and Kun work through a divorce.  Rating: Explicit Status: One-Shot

39. you say my name like i have never heard before by sofarsoperfect

Summary: Mafia Johnny with Kun  Rating: Explicit  Status: One-Shot Trigger: Mafia-related triggers and homophobia 

40. love me harder by sofarsoperfect

Summary: kun is fine, he's not even that resentful of his past or of johnny and he's doing really well and it's fine. except that one thing leads to another and it's totally, absolutely not fine at all. Rating: Explicit Status: Completed 

41. Emotional Distancing by lunalius

Summary: A global pandemic puts a dent in Kun's Green Card plans, but not in the way he expected. Rating: General Status: One-Shot

42. Domino by cobalamincosel

Summary: Kun and Johnny get back together after a break up.  Rating: Mature Status: One-Shot

43. and the next, and the next by jenhyung

Summary: Childhood friends Kun and Johnny meet again.  Rating: General Status: Completed 

44. would you mind by jokheiz

Summary: Single dad Kun crushing on his co-worker Johnny.  Rating: General Status: One-Shot

45. Charmed by lunalius

Summary: So no, he wasn’t blind. He was well aware that Johnny Suh had a crush on him. (HP AU) Rating: Teen Status: One-Shot

46. you got what i want, boy (and i want it) by sofarsoperfect

Summary: JohnKun PWP  Rating: Explicit Status: One-Shot 

47. Flower Boy by bananaboatt

Summary: Kun wants a really cute flower crown for his coronation, Johnny is a real big sucker for his boyfriend. Rating: General Status: One-Shot

48. head first by jenhyung

Summary: Youngho crushes hard. Rating: General Status: One-Shot

49. In the Middle of the Night by kittensuh

Summary: Kun knows him, reads him like he’s an open book conveniently placed on Professor Qian’s podium for him to consume in all of his glory. Rating: Explicit Status: One-Shot

50. Altered States by unnameable

Summary: When Johnny’s sexual dry spell has lasted for longer than he can recall, Ten suggests Kun, a erotic hypnotist, instead of helping him get laid. Johnny forgets about the ridiculous suggestion until he meets Kun at one of Ten’s parties a few months later. Rating: Explicit Status: One-Shot

[tossawary]

Some random favorite lines (with commentary) of Chapter 22: “The World Moved” of “pride is not the word I’m looking for” because I’m doing a re-read. Not a full list or full commentary.

-

AN: I had no idea what to name this chapter at first. I try not to make my chapter titles spoiler-y. This one seemed to nicely invoke the idea of aftershocks, given the blow-ups with both Yue Qingyuan and Mobei-Jun. 

- 

 Shang Qinghua is standing in the gardens outside of Qian Cao Peak’s main healing halls, just outside the main healing halls. He has no idea how he got here. 

 This is fucked up for a number of reasons. 

 Shang Qinghua isn’t the sort of person who ends up in strange locations without remembering how he got there. Sometimes he ends up in strange locations without remembering  why  he went there, sure; sometimes he ends up in strange locations because a hectic day-in-day-out emergency took him on a slippery path with too many stops to keep straight, sure. But he’s not really a  “black out somewhere and wake up somewhere else”  kind of bro. He’s, at worst, a  “fall asleep in the sitting room and wake up fuzzily in the bedroom, ah, must have woken up at some point” kind of person. 

- 

AN: Someone asked me if there was any MBJ involvement in “wake up fuzzily in the bedroom” and... yeah, that’s kind of what I was going for. I have a great and terrible weakness for soft Moshang moments. 

- 

 “Yue-Shibo wishes to see you at once,” she says. 

 “Cool.” 

 “...Pardon?” 

 “Oh, ah, I mean, sure. I’ll be there,” Shang Qinghua says, clearing his throat, then clearing his throat again, and getting to his feet. Standing feels like a real accomplishment right now. “Where is he now?” 

-

AN: Shang Qinghua is having a Time. He is having a Time right now. Everyone is lucky that Shang Qinghua didn’t just fall back entirely into curse words and slang. Shang Qinghua as a character to me gives off the vibe of someone who can essentially just say things like, “Oh, lmao, bro.” 

-

 Shang Qinghua registers the sect leader’s orders to his underlings kind of distantly, caught up in staring at the unconscious other transmigrator. 

 【 CHARACTER PROFILE UPDATED: Shen Yuan.】

 He’s not alone anymore. 

 Holy shit, he really doesn’t know how to feel about this. 

-

AN: Can you... imagine... spending like 40+ years on another planet, essentially, which has never heard of your world and is missing a great deal of features from your world and can’t be talked about at all... and then another person from your world shows up? No one else in this world can understand what you’re going through, mostly because you can’t talk about it to anyone else. 

Wild. 

- 

 “There wasn- there might not have  been  a later!” Shang Qinghua cries in frustration, knowing just how close they came to there not being a later. “What ‘perfect time’ is there for these kinds of things? It was never not going to hurt him or you! But living like this is worse! You had  nothing stopping you from saying anything you wanted! You have no one telling you how to live your life! Controlling what you can or can’t say! At any time, you could have decided you didn’t want to live this way anymore and that you didn’t want to cause the person you care about any more pain because you were too ashamed to admit your mistakes!” 

 Shang Qinghua has no idea how much sway the System has over people’s behaviors here, honestly, but he’s thinking not much if any! At least before it pulled another update on him! The System apparently couldn’t  make  Shen Qingqiu act like a total scum villain to the protagonist if the man decided he wanted to be more than that - and apparently he did! Just like the System couldn’t  make Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky behave like the original Shang Qinghua!

 It had to trick him into “putting the story back on track”! 

 What fucking excuse does Yue Qingyuan have for any of this? 

- 

AN: Shang Qinghua is aaaaangry. He didn’t want to get involved in any of this. He’s so envious of Yue Qingyuan’s comparative freedom here. Definitely one of those “I didn’t even KNOW how fucking angry I was about this” moments. 

- 

 “Oh, what are you going to do?” Shang Qinghua demands of the man. “Fire me?” 

 Yue Qingyuan is clearly super unimpressed by this comeback. 

 Shang Qinghua can’t totally believe he just said it. 

- 

AN: SVSSS Shang Qinghua didn’t get fired somehow. 

- 

 Shang Qinghua is so angry he can barely breathe with it. It comes out in the upending of a chair, the overturning of an end table, and then a dish shattering against a wall when the first two aren’t satisfying enough. It turns out that seeing the broken ceramic on the floor isn’t satisfying either! It doesn’t change anything! 

 Except now the dish is broken. It is so, so much easier to break something than to make anything and Shang Qinghua is ready to scream over it. 

 Millions of words! Years of his life! Years of  both lives! 

 Shang Qinghua collapses onto the nearest upright piece of furniture in his sitting room and puts his head in his hands again.  “Is the System finally getting rid of me?”  he thinks, feeling like he’s going to break into a million pieces next maybe. Might just throw himself against the wall next! See how it goes!  “Bro, is this it? Have you had enough of my bullshit? Enough of me changing the story? Are you replacing ME not because I’m too unstable to exist in this world too?” 

 They’re not good thoughts. 

 -

AN: This breakdown was SO overdue. 

- 

 “Shang Qinghua, I am not going to  hurt you,” the man grits out. 

 He doesn’t take another step forward, but the anger in the air sends Shang Qinghua another step backwards anyway! What a statement! What a promise! He laughs, unwillingly and unconvincingly. 

 “I know, my king, I know!” he lies. “It’s just- it’s- I’ve been having- well, you have before.” 

- 

AN: The key to Moshang in the Airplane Extras is the inevitable outburst and the fact that Airplane just straight-up leaves Mobei-Jun after everything and he’s not wrong to do it. They’re so messed up. I love them. 

- 

 “My king, I… I need to be alone right now,” Shang Qinghua says hoarsely. “Please go away.” 

 Mobei-Jun still doesn't move. 

 "Please," Shang Qinghua repeats. 

- 

AN: I can’t remember what chapter this was or who I said it to, but I said to someone at some point that the key to SQH’s heart is listening to him. 

-

 “I made some pretty bad mistakes today,” Shang Qinghua confesses to her. 

 “That’s okay,” Luo Jiahui says easily. 

 “Oh?” 

 “We’ll fix them.” 

 “Ah, really? That’s a relief,” Shang Qinghua says. “I’m so glad I have you.” 

 His voice breaks on the last word. He can’t hide that. 

- 

AN: How much SQH means that last statement hurts in the best way. 

- 

 This is… this is manageable. It’s just two new missions and another transmigrator. And then maybe another mission after that. He can handle new and weird missions. He can handle this Peerless Cucumber kid. 

 This is still his world, isn’t it? Even if it’s not his story anymore, he lives here! 

 He changed everything once! He can change it again if he has to! If the System wants him dead, it’ll have to catch him first! And he can do a little grovelling to fix everything he messed up today all by himself. Dignity? What dignity? Pride? What pride? Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky sold those things in another life! Yue Qingyuan and Mobei-Jun will have no choice but to forgive him for everything he said under stress just to get him to shut the fuck up! 

 Everything is going to be fine. 

- 

AN: SQH is like: “Okay, I can do this! I can do this! Just got to keep moving! I can do this if I keep moving! If I stop moving, I die, so keep moving!” 

LJH and LQG: “Please go see a doctor for stress.” 

[charlemange1]

Ranking adaptations of Victor Frankenstein from least to most evil

The character Victor Frankenstein has been adapted many times over the years. Sometimes he’s a heroic YA protagonist while others have him using his clone army to wipe out humanity and take over the world. But which Victor is truly the worse?

After reading several adaptations, I’ve decided to rank Victor’s morality in each one and find out! The gothic lit community doesn’t talk about these adaptations much, so hopefully this list can introduce the fandom to some of the lesser-known interpretations out there!

This is part one, which ranks printed retellings only. If people enjoy it, I’ll do a part two and merge the films into the mix!

Disclaimers (please read):

SPOILERS! Victor’s actions in these adaptations will be thoroughly analyzed with no regard for the spoiler tag.

Some of the more evil Victor’s get into dark territory, and while I will not go into extensive detail (lest I go insane) if mentions of abuse, sexual themes, possessive behavior and murder bother you, don’t make my mistake and turn back! (I will leave an additional reminder when said parts come up)

This list centers on Victor’s actions and NOT the quality of the books themselves—so if you see your favorite title getting a low score it’s not because it’s a bad book—it’s because Victor is a jerk.

This list is by no means complete, just the ones I’ve read personally.

These are my silly personal opinions and if you disagree with my ranking that’s perfectly fine!

Ranking: On a 1-10 scale, with 10 being fantastic and 0 being “run if you see this man in a dark alley.”

10/10 Perfect Sunbeam. Overall great, wholesome guy!

*crickets chirp in a serene backdrop of a Romantic field*

Good dude

Junji Ito’s Frankenstein: 8.5/10

Props to the master of manga monsters for making the twist be that Victor is not secretly evil/insane.

Not only does Victor pity the creature and agree to create a mate for him—but he keeps his word! This is especially touching when you consider how the creature treks alllllll the way to Switzerland to dig up Justine’s head as a face for the bride. (Henry says he probably didn’t know it was Justines, but come on, you just happened to pick up the head of the girl you framed and carried it for miles across land and sea to deliver it to Victor instead of stopping somewhere closer? I don't buy it.)

Victor even goes the extra mile, kindly stating:

Yet the bride rejects the creature (not Victor’s fault) and in revenge, the creature kills Henry, Elizabeth, and Alphonse. In retaliation, Victor follows him onto the ice and relates his tale to Walton before dying.

Victor's actions are nothing heroic, but what more could he have done? He didn’t break his promise and kill the bride like in the original novel and he clearly cared about reanimating “Justine” as shown in the above image.

And did I mention this manga was done by Junji Ito? Would YOU stay in the same room if you created a Junji Ito monster? Didn't think so! After the initial mistake of abandoning his monster, this Victor did the best he could to make amends and protect his family--making him an overall good person.

Decent guy

This Dark endeavor by Kenneth Oppel: 7/10

Serving as a prequel to the original novel, This Dark Endeavor tells the untold story of what leads young Victor Frankenstein to create his monster.

While Victor very much struggles with his angsty dark desires (bad), he tirelessly searches for the alchemic "Elixir of Life" to save his twin brother (good). A brother who is more talented than Victor, has the heart of his love interest, and Victor believes everyone prefers over himself.

Good on you, Victor, for letting the love for your brother override understandable sibling jealousy. If that wasn’t enough to make him decent, letting a few fingers be cut off to save his twin definitely does.

What brings Victor down to a 7 is his relationship with Elizabeth. It’s born out of jealousy from her loving his twin rather than genuine affection. Even if this retelling makes Elizabeth a feisty, pants-wearing independent female (to lessen the possessive undertones Victor exhibits, I presume? Read it and judge for yourself), the relationship does nothing positive for his character. Tricking someone into kissing you is a jerk move, bro.

Ok I guess….

Such Wicked Intent by Kenneth Oppel 6/10

The sequel to This Dark Endeavor loses Victor’s careful balance of good and bad traits its predecessor boasted. Victor wasn’t perfect in TDE, but the majority of his negative actions stemmed from trying to save his ill brother and were mostly forgivable. In Such Wicked Intent, his understandable sibling jealously now comes off as petty since Victor’s twin is already dead.

Victor trying to bring his brother back to life (good) is undermined by his growing reliance on supernatural butterflies that increase his abilities despite other characters pointing out the obvious danger. Victor is also not the greatest parent to Twin 2.0 and the previous issues with him and Elizabeth from book 1 don’t improve. He’s the same Victor from TDE, but the plot focusing on his selfish desires makes him more flawed as a result.

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley (the original novel): 6/10

Depending on how you interpret the events of the original novel, Victor is either a college Dad in over his head and trying his best after an initial mistake, or a misogynistic, irresponsible jerk only capable of thinking of himself. There are enough professional articles to support both interpretations, and I’m not the person to pick one over the other. 

However, if the narrative he tells Walton is to be taken as truth (and the creature not correcting Victor's account tells me it is), Victor spent most of the novel trying to fix his mistake (intentions may vary)—and isn’t too bad as a result.  

Pride and Prometheus by John Kessel: 5/10

Despite being a crossover with Pride and Prejudice, Kessel tries to be as faithful to the original Frankenstein as possible. However, the few changes he makes hurts Victor from a moral standpoint.

Victor’s not the greatest guy when handling the romantic gestures of both Mary Bennet and Henry. Also, murdering his creature's mate with poison right before they leave to start their happily ever after is awful, but understandable from his point of view.

Then there's P&P's ending, where Walton describes meeting Victor on the ice. It’s revealed that Victor left killing the creature's mate and the Bennet’s out of his narrative. While this is probably Kessel justifying why Jane Austen’s characters and his changes weren’t mentioned in the original text (and who can blame him?) it does make Victor a liar. In the original, the creature never called Victor out for omitting anything—so altering the story on his deathbed places P&P’s Victor a rung lower than his original counterpart.

Ehh….

Frankenstein According to Spike Milligan: 4/10

As a nearly-word-for-word retelling with minor, humorous changes by the comedian Spike Milligan, Victor is more pathetic than anything. He’s a harmless, pathetic, hilarious jerk.

Some quotes:

"I bounded along with feelings of unbridled joy and hilarity. From a great distance my family could see me bounding with unbridled joy and hilarity." (53)

*

"'I tell you,’ I said, ‘that murderer had his trousers down, was eating fish paste sandwiches and traveling 100 miles per hour.’" (59)

*

"‘I can offer you no consolation,’ said he.

‘Then piss off.’ said I." (54)

Here’s his jail visit with Justine in animatic form (and me shamelessly plugging my other creative endeavors)

Monster by Neal Bell 3.5/10

Warning: contains mentions of animal abuse

On one hand, Victor wants to conquer death to save his family and is clearly disturbed over Justine's and his mother’s death. However, the man expresses little concern at the possibility of William getting struck by lightning with his kite in front of his mother who had already lost 9 children.

He can also talk to dogs and cats (for…some reason?) who are portrayed as intelligent beings with feelings—yet that doesn’t stop him from eating said dogs in the Arctic and killing said cat after threatening her with a knife. He also flings around Bible verses while being painfully egotistical about “being God”.

Using Henry’s romantic affections toward him to his advantage, briefly forcing himself on Elizabeth, and tenderly caring for his monster only to abandon him after the creature expresses a want to die just makes him an awful person all around. The fact he doesn’t do these things with clear malicious intent saves him from being any lower.  

Quotes:

ELIZABETH: A bone. A brittle bit of skin. A tooth—

VICTOR: Would you not be womanish now?

Be useful. Here—hold the Leyden jar,

While I attach the string…

*

VICTOR: A satisfactory morning, then, Mister Puss—tormenting the dogs?

CAT: God gave me a duty. I fulfill it.

VICTOR: Papa says there is no God.

(He takes out a knife)

Pretty bad dude

WARNING: Please note that some of these Victors get into unsavory territory. If the mention of sexual themes/abuse/murder bothers you turn back:

The Casebook of Victor Frankenstein by Peter Ackroyd: 3/10

This one was tricky. The narrative chugs along with Victor being an intelligent, thoughtful guy with only a few obsessive tendencies. He’s chilling with the Shelleys, talking to the poor in the streets and financially supporting Fred’s family along with giving out generous tips. He’s a cool guy. He’s a great dude! He’s….revealed in the final 2 pages to be recounting everything from a mental asylum, the monster was in his head, and he’s actually the one that committed the murders.

Alrighty then.   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Having his insanity revealed in the final pages, it’s hard to judge whether there was genuine malicious intent or if Victor truly thought he created the creature and believed he was doing good in trying to “stop” it. No matter his intentions though, the body count remains and a child strangler has no place being anything higher than a 3.

The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein by Kiersten White: 1/10

We all knew this one would make the list. Elizabeth’s first flashback sets up Victor as having serious issues—the question becomes how low will he go? Turns out pretty low. 

He’s the one who killed William and framed Justine along with murdering his father, brother Robert and various people at Ingolstadt. 

What really makes him despicable is that Elizabeth is the novel's main POV character who only sticks with Victor so she’s not thrown out on the streets. He’s abusive, controlling, dominating, and so possessive that he’ll perfect reanimation so that not even death can take her away from him! Yikes. I can’t stress enough how being in Elizabeth’s POV makes these actions all the more menacing. 

Quote:

“There was never another path for you. Consider how much worse it has all been for me. How much I have had to suffer. And how much of that suffering has been caused directly by you!” His face twitched, and his fingers tightened on the pistol. Then he sighed. “It does not do to dwell on it. There is no point in fighting. This is your fate, Elizabeth Frankenstein. I will let no other claim you—not man, not death, not even God.” (279)

Nice guy.

Despite his terrible actions, Victor is trying to "save" Elizabeth from death. In his mind, he wants what’s best for her. It’s a crazy mind that mixed up domination and love, but the fact that his evil actions come from wanting to keep someone he wants to control cares about safe vs. other versions where his crimes stem from wanting to rival god and rule the world, this version isn’t THAT bad. At least his hearts in the right place—even if his mentality is utter garbage.

The Memoirs of Elizabeth Frankenstein by Theodore Roszak 0/10

*insert my screams of insurmountable anguish here*

Caroline: Hey son, you should do NSFW things.

Victor: Sure. I will now do NSFW things.

Victor: *proceeds to do NSFW things*

The reprint of this novel mentions on the cover it’s erotica, but the copy I bought (and to this day have not finished) had no such disclaimer. I’ll break my rule and speak on the quality of this book: there is none. For an alleged “pro-feminism” novel everyone is terrible—and Victor is no exception.

Literally Satan.

Dean Koontz’s Frankenstein Series: -∞/10

So you’ve read far enough to join me in Hell.

Where do even I start? This is a Victor who extended his life to the present day. Who worked with Hitler, Stalin, Castro and regretted the fall of the Third Reich. Who created an army of emotionally deprived “new race” creations to kill people and assume their identities so he could ascend the ranks of politics. Who, once he has enough of his new race integrated into society, desires to commit mass genocide on humanity and establish himself as supreme ruler of the world—only then can he conquer the cosmos as well because why the hell not?  

Oh, and he’s a wife-beater/murderer too! Which isn’t a problem, considering he can create a new wife whenever he sees fit (he was on Erika 5 by book 3). The sheer lack of any positive traits in this man is laughable. Koontz really, REALLY wants to get across that Victor is a bad guy.

And if you’re somehow not convinced by the above description, here are some quotes I pulled from the first 3 novels as a bonus to reeeeeally sell how despicable this clown is:

Regarding Elizabeth:

“Victor had not loved Elizabeth. Love and God were myths he rejected with equal contempt. But Elizabeth had belonged to him. Even after more than 200 years, he still bitterly resented the loss of her, as he would have resented losing an exquisite antique porcelain vase if [his creature] had smashed that instead of the bride,” (3.97). 

Regarding Mary Shelley:

“When Mary Shelley took a local legend based on truth and crafted fiction from it, she made Victor a tragic figure and killed him off. He understood her dramatic purpose for giving him a death scene, but he loathed her for portraying him as tragic and as a failure. Her judgment of his work was arrogant. What else of consequence did she ever write? And of the two, who was dead—and who was not?” (1.79-80)

(Author Note: For your information, Victor, The Last Man is considered by some to be the first dystopian novel)

His…ah…"friends”:

“Fire was featured in some of his less pleasant memories. The great windmill. The bombing of Dresden. The Israeli Mossad attack on the secret Venezuelan research complex that he had shared with Mengele in the years after World War Two. Nevertheless, he liked to read to the accompaniment of a cozy crackling fire,” (1.76).

*

“Victor admired Hitler. The Führer knew talent when he saw it.

In the 1930s and 40s, Victor had worked with Mengele and others in Hitler's privileged scientific class. He made considerable progress in his work before the regrettable allied victory…the problem with the Führer had been that his roots were in art and politics…The future did not belong either to artists or to politicians,” (2.24-25).

Dat ego tho:

“When I die, those cells will be capped descend a signal that will be relayed by satellite to everyone made of new race flesh, to every meat machine that walks. And you will fall down dead,’…Victor smiled, anticipating triumph in spite of their silence. ‘Did you think a God would die alone?’” (3.345).  

*

Civilization would not be remade or sustained by Christianity or by Islam. Neither by Scientologists nor by the bright-eyed adherence of the deliciously solipsistic paranoid new religion encouraged by The Da Vinci Code. Tomorrow belonged to scientism. The priests of scientism were not merely robed clerics performing rituals, they were gods, with the power of gods. Victor himself was their Messiah,” (2.25).

*

“With Victor's unstoppable drive for power, with his singular intellect, with his cold materialism and his ruthless practicality, and now with synchronicity on his side, he had become untouchable, immortal.

He was immortal,” (3.329).

*

“How they goggled at him, abashed by his wisdom and knowledge, mortified by their ignorance, over-awed by his godlike power,” (3.330). 

*

“’Murder,’ said the caller. ‘murder…excites me.’

Victor kept the growing concern out of his voice. ‘No, your mind is fine. I don't make mistakes.’” (1.156)

Oh yeah, he has a wife, doesn't he:

“This is why Victor requires …the cruel humiliation of his partner. He has long ago transcended the guilt that committing acts of cruelty might spawn in others...the exercise of raw power thrills him,” (1.244).

*

“I have given you a life…remember that. I have given you a life, and I will choose what you do with it,” (1.464).

Wives view of him:

“She owned literally hundreds of outfits. Having been created to his ideal measurements, Victor had purchased everything…She hoped that someday she would be allowed to shop for herself. When Victor allowed that, she would know she had at last met his standards and earned his trust. Briefly, she wondered what it would be like not to care what Victor—or anyone—thought of her. To be herself. Independent. Those were dangerous thoughts. She must repress them.” (1.107)    

*

And those are just the PG bits, he does much, much worse.

*

In conclusion:

So yes, Spike Milligan made Victor a pathetic jerk, Casebook made Victor a madman, Memoirs made him an erotic predator, Dark Descent had him as an abusive boyfriend ruthless in possessing “his Elizabeth”,  but nearly succeeding at worldwide genocide while abusing/murdering/manipulating people to achieve his goals makes Dean Koontz’s Victor Frankenstein the worse, more morally despicable Victor Frankenstein of them all. At least from what I’ve read.

Annnnd that’s it! If you want me to make a part 2 and add in the films/plays let me know! Hopefully at least one of these peeked your interest as something to check out during spooky season.

Shameless plug-in: here’s my own Frankenstein adaptation

*

Bonus!

Ranking the books on how much I liked them personally!

Great:

The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein: Nice to see Victor’s villainy stem from family relations and not ego and wanting to defy God for a change.

Junji Ito’s Frankenstein: Phenomenal artwork, fairly faithful adaptation, and the changes serve to put Victor in a better light—which I love! The master of manga monsters himself made the right choice in keeping the creature more monstrous in this version instead of focusing on his humanity.

This Dark Endeavor: Frankenstein characters go on a Harry Potter styled adventure. Need I say more?

Average:

Such Wicked Intent: Victor’s character takes a dip, and pit monsters/life-absorbing butterflies don’t quite fit in a Frankenstein prequel.

Frankenstein According to Spike Milligan: It’s a silly, stupid comedy. Got a few chuckles out of me.

Pride and Prometheus: The concept works way better than it should. However, it follows the original text to a fault and can be boring at points. 

Bad:

Warning: contains mentions of suicide 

Monster: Victor’s character was far too inconsistent to be likable. He can talk to animals why, exactly?

Casebook of Victor Frankenstein: So, Victor is revealed to be crazy in the final 3 pages? So, the monster was in his head? Alright. But other characters throughout the book SAW the monster and described him like Victor did. So, there’s no way to separate Victor’s POV from reality and that kills the reread value and makes this a waste of time. Don’t get me wrong, the creature being symbolic for Victor’s inner demons is a fascinating direction if done well—and I recommend the essay “Frankenstein: The Man and the Monster” by Arthur Belefant if you want a much shorter exploration of this concept. It’s not perfect, but beats Casebook by a longshot!

Also, taking the real-life suicide of Percy’s wife Harriet and turning it into Victor murdering her and framing it on someone else to mimic Frankenstein’s Justine/William scene is just wrong. You made a woman’s suicide a cheap plot point in your fanfic of the mistress’s novel. That is what you did, author.

Dean Koontz Frankenstein: It starts out good and has great suspense—too bad the actual plot is awful. Victor’s so painfully evil it comes off as comical, the characters are bad/bland, plot holes abound (they state Mary Shelley’s novel is canon, then mention the windmill which was only in the films—so who even IS this Victor? Book or film?). The conclusion in book 3 is one of the most underwhelming finals I’ve ever read, and the creature “cures” a kid of Autism in the final chapter. No really. How this is a book series/comic series/movie is beyond me.

So atrocious I couldn’t bring myself to finish:

Warning: contains mentions of sexual themes

The Memoirs of Elizabeth Frankenstein: It claims to be pro-feminist, but the women “good guys” blatantly state they are grooming children for sexual rituals and Victor and Elizabeth are coerced into doing NSFW things by Victor’s mother in the name of “women’s rights”. Here’s the kicker: these awful actions are framed as being positive. I—a woman—loath this novel. Maybe things got better by the end (and if there was some plot twist that changed the entire setup, I apologize for ranting about nothing) but I’m not reading to that point to find out! This will forever stay both my first and last experience with erotic literature. Thank goodness The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein exists to give us a decent feminist take on Frankenstein!

[greekbros]

"greek-Bros: Phallic Judgement"

*Surprisingly, Dionysus had gone back to Rome to cause more mischief with Hermes, this time they've brought Ares along*

Dionysus: *again disguised as a wine seller* ok gentlemen, behold. The foulest creatures to crawl on the face of the earth. *Shows just random Roman citizens*

Ares: *who for some reason decided he wanted to disguise himself as the world's most intimidating slave* ......ugh....the goats? *Sees a goat*

Hermes: *cleverly disgusted as farmer* haha no. You see, these guys are absolutely weird. They insist of "rationing" Sapa, they have taxes for literally existing and above all.....their wine is watered down! But they have the best bread I've ever tasted though.

Ares: ... really?

Dionysus: don't be fooled by their baked goods my dudes. These are cruel and unrelenting scum folk. Uncultured, ignorant, and above all....they've inslaved every single country they've conquered.

Hermes: .....it's mostly about the wine isn't it?

Dionysus: ....*turns dramatically* their most unforgiving sin.

Ares: *has wondered off to see a statue of himself*.....my dick isn't THAT small.......*looks at the name plate saying "Mars"* ......I can't believe these guys misspelled my name....*takes some charcoal, scratches out Mars and writes Ares*

Centurion Gaurd: Excuse me slave! Where is your master! Slaves are not allowed near the devine statue of the gods.*sees that Ares has wrote his name on the statue's nameplate* What the?

Ares: *doesn't know the centurion was referring to him considering he's in disguise* .........*turns to the see the back of the statue* ....at least they got the ass right.

Centurion Gaurd: EXCUSE ME! Please stop making remarks about the sacred statue! You've defaced sacred property!

Ares: *slowly peaks over to the centurion* ....hey ugh there's a thing on your helmet*

Centurion Gaurd: oh really? *Pats around his helmet* where?

Ares: *points to the centurion's face* There's a shit attitude a little all over your FuCkInG ugly mug.

Centurion Gaurd: *realising what he meant* YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!

Dionysus: *walks into the situation* Oh there you are Skippy! Bad boy I thought I told you to stay close to me and not open your mouth! *takes a little stick and weakly whips Ares's shoulder with a single thing of wheat*

Ares: *confused* ...wut?

Centurion Gaurd: Is there YOUR disrespectful slave?

Ares: wait you said I was going to be a noblem-*gets a loaf of bread in his mouth by Hermes*

Hermes: please shut up or we'll leave you here to fend for yourself.

Ares: *kinda just enjoying the bread* hmfhmf.

Dionysus: You see my good sir, my slave is extremely stupid, dumb and has testicles the size of grapeseeds. He was used as a human kickball when he was an infant and was raised by goats. He can't help himself sometimes. *Tries to clean the charcoal off the statue*

Ares: *angry noises* ?!?

Centurion Gaurd: .....Ok...you have the pay the "Disrespectful Slave" tax fine.

Dionysus: .....*grumbles and takes a bag filled with gold coins* ....*gives it begrudgingly* .....*grits his teeth* have....a...good day.

Centurion Gaurd: *takes the gold and sees that it's drachma* .....hmm.....*takes out a piece of paper with a semi-crude wanted poster of Dionysus, Apollo and Hermes* ......hmm.....I watching you....sir. *leaves to find Mortus*

Dionysus: *turns to Ares and glares at him* ....you owe me 20 drachma.

Ares: *has finished eat the bread* Why? Don't these mortals know we're gods?

Dionysus: No! We're here in disguise so that was can destroy the city again. You are here to make sure the country doesn't get a chance to get back up.

Ares: Fuck yah. *Literally has no idea what he agreed to*

Hermes: *saw the wanted poster in the centurion's hand* ugh...guys we REALLY need to finish what we came here for because they're definitely on to us.

Dionysus: yeah yeah I know....come on let's go. I want to destroy the coliseum again.

Ares: what's a coliseum?

Dionysus: *suddenly a huge grin forms across his face* Hermes .....is the coliseum....open?

Hermes: let me check. *Literally speeds next to the coliseum and saw a Roman sign that says "Grand Re-Opening" and zips back to Dionysus* yeah. It's open.

Dionysus: perfect. *Pops a waterskin filled with wine, and chugs it* oh gods I'm FuCkInG dry. It's like this place sucks your very essence or something.

Hermes: hmm....yeah, shame really. *as he was following Dionysus and Ares, he accidentally dumbs into a familiar face* oops sorry miss.

Octavia: *turns around with a baby in her arms that looks suspiciously familiar* Oh pardon me sir. I didn't mean to bump into, the market seems rather busy today doesn't it?

Hermes: It's ok, I was just heading to-*knotices the baby* .....ugh...

Caius the baby: *smiles at Hermes as if he knew Hermes was his dad* ba-ba :D

Octavia: Oh sweetie, daddy is working. Oh children are so wonderous, even at a few months old, they have such an imagination. By the way, have we met before? You look so familiar....are you from the countryside?

Hermes: uuggggh *trying his best to not look Octavia in the eye* yeah, I get that all the time. Trust me I have some of my own, I mean children that is. Also no I don't think I have? *Literally hoping she doesn't recognize him even though he shape shifted into her husband a year ago*

Caius: *still happily cooing over his real dad*

Dionysus: come on buddy le-*put two and two together and scowls at Hermes* ......you didn't.

Hermes: ugh....

Dionysus: nevermind we're off! *He pulls Hermes to the direction of the coliseum*

Octavia: hmmm what a strange young man. He's handsome though.

Caius: *coos in disappointment* :(

*later*

Dionysus: *rubs his hands* hehehehehe....

Hermes: this better be worth it. I thought we would write our names on the temple walls here or something.

A Roman Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! This grand reopening of the Coliseum shall be in honor of our Lord and Emperor Caeser!

Caeser: *does the Royal British wave*

Dionysus: peeeeerfect.

Hermes: ......hey I got to ask...why did you bring Ares?

Dionysus: some bulky bastard is currently the head champion gladiator here, he use to live on Crete before the Romans decided to kidnap a few warriors there....let's just say my pettiness will come with effort.

Hermes: ......ok seriously man what are talking about?

Dionysus: look no one says that their dick is bigger than mine and actually gets away with it.

Hermes: ....you know....you could just smite someone. I mean it's not graceful....but it's effective.

Dionysus: hoho, I'm going to make this extra dramatic.

The Roman Announcer: And now! You're great champion, Maximus the Well-Endowed!

Maximus: *a huge, hulking man came out, roars out* HAIL CAESAR! *Leans to the announcer* I am going to get my 20 hot virgin women after this right?

Announcer: *whispers* yes yes. AND HIS CHALLENGER *looks at a note which was scribbled on his hand* ..... "Skippy the Not-Well-Endowed"! *Looks back his hand still not believing what he had read*

Ares: *is just happy to get into a fight, however was oddly enough only was only wearing a loin cloth and a helmet, armed with a shield and spear* ......oh boy, a whole stadium just for killing? These people rock!

Hermes: ........you didn't....

Dionysus: yep.

Ares: *steps side to side like an exited kid* comeoncomeoncomeonstartthefighting.

Maximus: Alright Skippy, time to end your tiny dicked existence. *Raised his sword on to Ares but Ares was able to break it with his helmet* !?

Ares: ....that's it?

Maximum: *confused* ugh....*waves to order in more weapons, all of which fail to hurt Ares*

Ares: .......aw come on...you guys have some shitty ass weapons. Bet YOUR weapon is just as shit.

Maximus: grrrrr.....YOU PUNY SLAVE! *Rips off his armored skirt* See! You're fucking wrong!

Roman crowd: *gasps*

Dionysus: .....

Hermes: *whistles* holyshit....dude this guy is hung.

Dionysus: If there's one god who can contest me....the only god who's dick is so epic, so powerful, so irresistible, so near perfect......that Aphrodite can't FuCkInG resist it on a daily basis.

Hermes: Heracles?

Dionysus: No buddy, Ares. Ares is the guy who's dick is better than mine I mean come on a guy who shags the goddess of love more times than any living thing HAS to have something going on down there

Some Roman Karen: EXCUSE me is pronounced Venus! We don't use greek words here.

Dionysus: Please leave me alone lady.

Some Roman Karen: *rhees in anger*

Dionysus and Hermes: *both are struggling to ignore her*

Ares: ....ok...that dick of your isn't that great.....*rips off his loin cloth* .....THIS....is a dick.

Crowd: *the women and gay men swoons over the perfect of Ares's bare body, men quake and cringe at their own feeble members and put to shame*

Caesar: *completely unimpressed and decided to leave* hmf. Pathetic.

Maximus: *wriggles in shame* HOW c-C-C-could this be?! The most PERFECT COCK? Oh my gods why is it fucking glowing?!

Ares: ....what you don't shave yourself weekly? I mean come on man that's how you keep the ladies coming back?

Maximus: *starts crying a little*

Dionysus: *cackling uncontrollably* SO THATS HIS SECRET! *writes on a piece of paper saying "shave, dick, weekly"*

Hermes: *still not fully understanding why all of this* ........you brought Ares here JUST to emasculate some gladiator?

Dionysus: Oh much more than that Herms.....much much m-

Roman Karen: EXCUSE YOU SIR ITS MERCURY!

Dionysus: *has had enough and turned her into a chicken* there much better.

Hermes: .....are you ok? Did you have your wine today?

Dionysus: I RAN OUT OF WINE LONG AGO!

Hermes: *deep sigh* not again.

Ares: *now in full naked display* ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!? *The crowd roared and cheered*

Dionysus: well....yah want to set the animals free from their cages?

Hermes: fuk ye-*feels a tough and strong hand practically crushing his shoulder* .....*turns to see an old man who clearly was Zeus* .....

Zeus: .....boys.....

Dionysus and Hermes: .....Uh Oh.

Zeus: *took each of them by their ears like a discontented mother* you're BOTH grounded for bothering these mortals and above all abusing the dark, unholy power of the sacred male member ....if I had a third arm it would be reserved for Ares. *Looks down at Ares now just doing some naked dance for the crowd*........*deep and disappointed sigh*

Dionysus: but dad, I do that like everyday.

Zeus: I don't care if I don't discipline you or Hermes right the now, Hera will have MY male member nailed to the wall.

(Later that day)

Mortus: *inner noir detective monologue* after several months, nothing. Absolutely nothing. The suspects disappeared from the face of the empire. Likely their crimes have caught up with them. My only consolation to solving this case....is the mysterious birth of my son and my faithful wife. .... speaking of which...why does Caius have blue eyes? Me and Octavia have brown.....did ...she?....nah that's impossible.

The Centurion from earlier: MY LORD! I FOUND THE SUSPECTS!

Mortus: *dramatically turns around* This better be the right ones this time.

*much later after apparently an orgy broke out at the coliseum*

Mortus: .... Absolutely disgusting. Practicing Sexual Festivities without a license is punishable by crucifixion, Mark.

The Announcer (Mark): B-b-but sir! It wasn't my fault! Some slave was to challenge Maximus and they just decided to remove their clothing and everyone went wild! ....to be fair the slave did look a little attractive BUT the fornicating ceased once the slave disappeared.

Mortus:....was he accompanied by a portly, dark haired ..... individual?......an extremely attractive blonde slave and a thinner more athletic young man with brown hair?

The Announcer: ...hmm...well yes minus the other slave.

Mortus: Hmmm.....the plot thickens.....are these the mysterious criminals that destroyed the coliseum last year?....What is the motivated behind these depraved individuals?.....

The Announcer: ugh...why are you talking to yourself?