#sometimes I still have anxiety about my thesis and keep having to remind myself that I passed

[heartsbind]

🎮🐶😁

shannon the yapper

🎮 — favorite video game(s)?

OOOOH favorite....... that's so hard omg. i have a handful of games that were so impactful i made muses for but i'd prob say my top two are mass effect and dragon age. for mass effect i loved the whole trilogy and writing about kaidan alenko going from being only romanceable by femshep to being romanceable by both sheps from me1 to me3 literally was like a huge part of my college thesis DSFKDSFDSF and i also met my husband in the me rpc (we both wrote kaidan and our first interaction was him sending me an ask telling me how much he loved my interpretation DKJFDSJKFDSF and i in turn love his 🥹🥹🥹)

dragon age was ALSO part of my thesis (really the thesis was just about "playing queer" in video games from like romance mechanics to character customization and also like applying queer theory (anti-capitalism / difference / living in opposition to "normal" / etc) to play etc etc etc) but yeah if i were to think about games that i just keep going back to over the years it would be those two! honorable mentions persona 3-5 and skyrim dskfjndsfdsf

🐶 — any pets?

YESSSS my precious leetol dottir peanut... who is sat comfortably between my legs while i'm writing this / working DKFDSFDSF. i would have taken a picture but i am stuck-- but YEAH so her previous owner had to rehome her bc they were moving into a cat-unfriendly apartment and we've been caring for her for the past 3 years! she is a gremlin but she is also so sweet and precious... she was 8 when we got her tho we never learned her birthday so we just make it her gotcha day which was in may so she should be 11 now!

beyond that, my dad has a great pyrenees dog named bumble who i dogsit sometimes for him! he is a sweet and good good boy! and he also has a cat named zoey (she was a gift for my mom technically but she couldn't take her with her when they separated 🫣 but she is a youthful old lady. very mindful, not always demure--

😁 — what’s your favorite part about being part of the rpc?

the community! i love that it's a space to be creative and share creativity and the things they're passionate about with others. i took a 4-year sabbatical of sorts from the tumblr rpc (and that tbh was kind of after a year or so of being low activity prior once i graduated from college and my last computer started crapping out) and i really missed it! it's been amazing having people to yell and yap about shared interests with and also to like remind myself how to plot and flex my creativity muscles again! it was sorely needed because i really was at a point where any time my brain wanted to like develop plots every time i tried to Think of things it would just instead be like bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz white noise. still is doing that tbh but it's sloooowly getting better and dusting itself off!!!

i'm also so grateful for how quickly i've been able to get settled and comfortable here even though i'm soooo slow to actually write things still djfhdsfsdfdsf coming back right as we were entering the busy season at work was a CHOICE for me DFKJDSFDSF but!! yeah that everyone is just so lovely and talented and loves their muses SO much i just am always admiring even when anxiety sort of freezes me up a little i'm slowly getting out there again!

[manicsweetheart707]

This has been a pretty harsh month for me, that doesn’t mean I haven’t tried to make it a good one, if I could describe this month I would say that I’ve been pushing myself through it, I’m doing my best to not let the negative thoughts get to me.

Trying out new things is not always the easiest thing to do, but it's part of growing up; I wanna keep growing as a person and I think being aware of shit that happens to me, of my thoughts, even if they're not always positive will help me in that process, because I want to fall in love with life, and loving something implies loving the pretty and the ugly.

I really don't wanna do this alone, the growing uo thing, and maybe you reading this don't want to either, so maybe if I start posting these monthly recaps we can help one another to feel company in some sort of way, with time this will evolve to fit each other's needs ig.

Tennis

This month I started to workout like fully, last month I began taking tennis classes but skipped a lot of days due to me being depressed, that made me feel pretty stupid because I payed for those classes, the economic situation is not good enough for me to be wasting money in classes I’m not taking y’know?

I switched my classes from tuesday and thursday to wednesday and friday, and I feel it has helped me in keeping consistency a lot better, my mom’s also been the one taking me to class because I’m fucking stupid and it made me panic not finding anywhere to park my car so I ended up directly not going to class, I know that sounds so stupid but I tend to take those kind of situations as an omen that something is going to go not according to plan and that I’m gonna fuck something up, so yeah-

Chloe Ting

Besides tennis classes this month I also started Chloe’s 2024 summer shred challenge; I figured it would’ve helpful for losing weight and helping me build endurance for tennis, it’s not the first time I try to workout from home with youtube or something, but it is the first time I actually feel comfortable doing it in a sense that I haven’t given up and I don’t plan on doing it, even if I’ve been too depressed to do shit I haven’t skipped any days, I think the fact that the app has like a nice percentage indicator motivates me to keep going.

Maybe doing both tennis and Chloe’s routines in my current physical state is not ideal since I’ve been feeling a bit nauseous this past days, but I am doing it either way because I’m not giving up, I am a strong bitch and can do whatever I set my mind to.

I am not in a good mental state right now, the crippling feeling of how everything I do is wrong and everything I touch gets all fucked up is coming back strongly, even tho I’m doing shit that’s supposed to help me emotionally, they say that working out releases endorphins right? I drink a lot of water and been trying to keep myself distracted with other activities to stop myself from overthinking, but nothing really seems to work, the loneliness is a constant reminder of how fucked I am and how little value I have in other peoples lives. And I know that if I keep telling myself just how fucking awful I am I’m just gonna end up pushing people even further with my negativity. Loneliness is like a crater, sometimes no matter how much you scream no one is there to hear you, and the times there’s someone your throat is just too sore to let them know you’re there, and sometimes when you find a ladder you feel oh so scared of what’s outside to climb up, it’s really fucking difficult man.

My vacations are sadly over, although I only have 2 classes this whole semester I still feel a bit anxious about going back to uni, it’s a mix between the people and the work, I’m usually pretty work focused while I’m at uni so I don’t give myself enough chances to be friendly with people (adding to that the social anxiety), this semester I need to work on my degree proyect/thesis/whatevs and that makes me oh so nervous I really want to give it my best and don’t fuck it up.

There’s people I don’t like in my trademarks class, I don’t think they’re bad people, but their voices annoy me, which ig makes me a bad person, but I can’t help it they’re too loud and speak too fast and talk with so much confidence over topics they don’t know shit and that annoys me. I’m being a bitch, I’m sorry.

I find it particularly scary having to build a portfolio, and begginning the whole working thing, although I hate my current state of living I do like having my own time and bedrotting whenever I feel like it, growing up is so fucking scary isn’t it.

It’s a terrible idea to replace a bad habit with another bad habit, and this month is the month I’m trying to get skinnier, so I’ve been working out, starting a diet, taking laxatives, and most importantly cutting sugars; that has been really hard for me and I think it didn’t help that much to the darkness I was feeling the first half of the month. I am aware is a terrible idea, for a while whenever I got sugar cravings I used to light up a vanilla incense stick and hope for the best but it really didn’t helped, and since I discovered that mints do have calories and shit I don’t really want to eat them no matter how much I love them. So I thought a solution to my problems could be vaping, I can’t get fatter from it can I? I bought a blueberry one, I do enjoy it I think, I like that is minty and I’ve always been a huge fan of candles, incense, that type of stuff, I feel like I’m in some sort of way eating a candle. It does make me feel a bit guilty because I am pretty aware of how awful nicotine is, and that vapes are far worse than a cig, and also that my mom has asthma yet here I am probably fucking up my lungs, but I think right now, currently, it makes me feel even guiltier to actually eat sugar.

✦ Keep losing weight and being consistent with my workouts

✦ Progress as much as possible on my degree project

✦ Reorganize my notion

✦ Set up a dating app profile maybe?

c u next month!!

xoxo, mani

[princepestilence]

NYR: April in review.

Post-April horoscope: "so. bad news. we have to keep going tomorrow. good news is that I’ll keep going with you"

April passed in a blur. In part because I have been very sick for the last week, and still am coming out of it, so my memory is sludge; but also because it was a big month, on just about every front. A lot happening. A lot of change. None of it bad, but most of it tiring.

See family + friends. This was the most major item on the agenda, and I'm very happy about it. I saw my nan, my dad, my other dad (which is always awkward + kind of a chore, and he was the one that gave me this cold, which I'm mad about, but also means that obligation is done for the next six months or so), some friends I hadn't seen in a while, Clair's new coworkers, and--most exciting of all--finally met my new nephew. There's still a lot of people to catch up with, but I'm getting there. .

Talked about the family house / sorted through mum's books. Still more to do, but things are getting to a good place on that front. Not quite sure what's the plan ahead for what will happen to the actual house, but it's feeling a lot more manageable and everyone's in more or less the same headspace about not making rash decisions, which helps a lot. .

Did some reading. It's been really fun and interesting, and every time I pick up a book, I'm reminded again how much I love that I can just do this. Really excellent. .

Put art on the walls. Finally! I've been meaning to do it for over a year and finally actually did. It makes such a difference. There's still some smaller frames to put up, and some of the unframed art to go in my room, but I'm very happy and looking forward to decorating our home more over the rest of this year. .

Doing nice things, just because. I light a tea-candle in the holder on my desk most days, because I like it. I want to make a point of actualy using the nice things, especially things that would normally be kept for a special occasion; or that are ephemeral and can, and will, be used up and gone. I'm training myself to look for, and act on, opportunities to do little nice things like this, and enjoy it without anxiety or the fear of things being ruined or wasted in the practice. .

Appreciated at work. Not exactly one I consciously set out to achieve or expected, but there were a couple of different moments at work this month that were very validating re: the different elements I specifically facilitate. It feels very nice to have what I do valued by visiting artists and patrons.

In May, I will:

Thesis work. For different reasons, that didn't happen much this past month. I'm keen to be back in it, though, so I'm picking up again now. .

Decorate room. I want to put more art etc. up around my desk and bring more colour and personality to my space. Maybe also at my desk at work too. I want more of my thumbprint on the environments I spend the most time in. .

Focus on nice things. See above. .

Go on a day trip. I want to do another trip to the aquarium / zoo sometime this month for a fun day out, and maybe pick out something from Kinokuniya as a treat. .

Celebrate Mother's Day. For obvious reasons, a strange one this year. But I'll be visiting my family, and I'll be trying to live the way mum wanted, and there is a still a lot to celebrate.

[fantasiavii]

Can you tell me a little something about being a religion major? About what all you have studied? Because it sounds very interesting!

Yeah!!! Sorry it took me so long to reply to this (holidays lol) but I just want to let you know when I saw this come in, it made my week!  I LOVE talking about religion/what I study (so maybe this is a little more than what you asked for lol). 

The first thing I want to say is kind of a disclaimer; I studied religion, not theology, so this wasn’t like training to be a priest or an imam or anything (though some students do go on to do that!). It’s all from an outsider (etic), academic perspective. Of course, I have studied theological works but I’ve also done history and theory and ethnography, etc., etc. (Sometimes it helps people understand if I say I did religious studies? Not that I don’t think you understand, just for other readers who might not know.) 

So I majored in religion with a focus on Islamic studies (basically meaning I just took mostly Islam classes and wrote my thesis on Islam and Islamophobia in France) but I’ve also studied Hinduism, theory of religion, Christianity (specifically: Eastern Orthodoxy), and Buddhism (listed in order of what I’ve studied most to least). 

Major highlights were my Sufism class (so much fun but also very difficult and esoteric (as it’s meant to be lol), also gave me a healthy distrust of most translations of Rumi), my Islamic Thought in the 19th and 20th Centuries class (fascinating bc a lot of it was about nationalism and responses to colonization and imperialism, etc.) and my junior seminar (I got to do ethnographic work and interviews at an Orthodox church and the community and services were just so lovely; sometimes I miss it even though I have no desire to convert) (still kicking myself over missing the Eastern Orthodoxy class and instead taking Religion and Media, which was not what it sounds like, and I am just as disappointed as you are it was actually the worst class I took in college oops). 

More about my thesis, my department, and studying religion below the cut!

My thesis was another ordeal unto itself (I have a tag, “The Reign of Thesis” which might be interesting to look at provided tumblr’s search function works, thought tbh I don’t remember most of what I posted there). It was like taking my two loves (Islam and France/French republicanism) and making them fight (or, more like, tearing my heart in two). I say this because half of my thesis was tracing the historical origins of modern day Islamophobia, most of which boils down to the fact that the creation of the modern French republic happened at the same time as the colonization of a lot of Muslim majority countries (I focused on Algeria) and Muslims/Islam became the Other against which French (republican) identity was defined (essentially making the modern state/French identity inherently Islamophobic and making it very difficult to exist as Muslim and French). I love studying the French Revolution (and took a wonderful class on it in college) and the following revolutions (hello Les Mis fandom) and I find French republicanism/republican universalism quite inspiring but I also had to come to terms with the fact that it was used and still is used in actively Islamophobic ways. This is getting long (I did write like 80 pages about this so please forgive me for broad statements with no evidence; I did do my research) but yeah, it was a difficult thesis to write, I’m glad I did it, but it made me very burnt out and depressed. Still love studying religion and the French Revolution though lol. Just sometimes it makes me very angry. (I can recommend books, though, to any Frev or Les Mis friends who might be reading this and want to know more.)

AN IMPORTANT FINAL NOTE: I had such a fun time being a religion major, half because I really love the subject but also because I really love my department and my professors and my classmates. The religion department at my school felt a bit like a family and everyone was friendly with each other and there was very little drama. (That’s one of the main things holding me back from grad school--the fear that I won’t find the same kind of community. Because there are ways to teach religion really badly and major scholarly disputes and I don’t want to have to fight people lol.) So if you’re interested in studying religion, I would definitely say go for it! But also know that the environment you’re in and the people you’re with really matter. 

(Also I distrust survey classes, the “Introduction to World Religions” kind, but I recognize that they’re sometimes they only intro-level options. They just don’t have enough depth imo and that can make the study quite boring or they might generalize to the point of incorrectness. As my advisor likes to say, “there are as many Islams as there are Muslims,” and we can’t even hope to account for all the beautiful diversity and complexity there is in religious practice and belief if we only have one semester and two weeks per religion.)

[stayevildarling]

Sally McKenna x Wilhemina Venable x Reader - A little help Pt 5

word count: 3.1k

warnings: smoking, mention of drugs, hints of smut, cursing, panic attacks, anxiety

A/N: This is an eight-part story, hope you enjoy

Rushing through the busy halls of university, your mind is racing, the thoughts so loud it sounds like bees in your head and the thoughts just won't stop buzzing, causing your vision to blur slightly, ears ringing and trembling hands, the feeling of panic and losing control of the situation any moment. You rush into the nearest bathroom, bursting the nearest door open and quickly closing it, dropping your bag and books onto the floor and sliding down the wall, trying to calm down.

Shakily you try and reach for your phone to distract yourself, maybe playing a video or maybe even messaging them but you feel woozy with every movement of your body and so you close your eyes and abandon the thought of getting your phone out of your bag. ''Breathe idiot'' you remind yourself and you try a technique that has occasionally worked in the past before, whenever you felt a panic attack coming.

''Breathe in 4-3- nope nope not working too much too loud'' you try but fail miserably at keeping your breathing under control. ''Shit'' you mutter, noticing that the feeling isn't passing and the panic only growing but how the hell did you end up hyperventilating, sitting on the bathroom floor of your university?

After Sally's relapse a few weeks back, you taking her to Mina's work and going cold-turkey, things have changed and somehow took a more unexpected turn than you expected to. Sally struggled and she struggled badly at first, she couldn't cope, constantly having you or Wilhemina around, not able to get out of the house, only on walks where you two would accompany her. There were times when she felt hatred towards you two, but not really you two more what you are doing to her or rather keeping Sally from doing to herself. There were a lot of sleepless nights, you and Wilhemina taking turns, watching her and guiding her through this journey of detoxing her body from the drugs. It was constant ups and downs, it was really hard at first with all the withdrawal symptoms and the times she would just be throwing up everything she would eat or drink and you and Wilhemina often debating whether you need to get doctors involved.

There were the good days when caffeine and nicotine helped Sally's urges and you three actually had really good days together, snuggled up on the sofa, watching everyone's favorite movies and enjoying the quiet and each other's company. Then things started going downhill, with Wilhemina having to go into work again and you looking after Sally while she was still at home , blogging from home and posting a lot to distract herself from the withdrawal symptoms.

Everything went okay at first, Mina leaving early in the morning like she usually would, with a lunch bag you packed for her the night before, just like you usually would. You woke up, snuggling closer to Sally and enjoying some quality time with her, before she sat on the sofa, working on her blog and you decided to carry on finishing your thesis because deadlines were coming up. You two sat on the sofa together in comfortable silence, just working and it was almost calming but just almost.

You were unaware that day, that Sally was fighting the most recent and hardest battle with her addiction and that her body was craving something more than just caffeine to fight this empty feeling. Maybe it was the fact that Wilhemina had to go to work and Sally knowing you are different than Wilhemina, not as strong, not as strict.

At first you thought everything was okay and when she got up, you absent-mindedly asked what she was doing, only for her to tell you she is going to the toilet. You didn't think too much of it until you heard things smashing, being thrown across the bathroom and so you instantly rushed inside the bathroom, only to find a very overwhelmed Sally, searching through every draw and cabinet to find something, anything even Mina's painkillers, just anything so she could feel release and at peace but you and Mina were smarter than that beforehand and hid any potential dangers.

''Sally'' you pleaded, understanding immediately what was going on. ''I don't fucking care Y/N I need something'' she screamed in your face while tears streamed down her cheeks. ''Where are your cigarettes?'' you asked feeling helpless, although you are very aware that cigarettes and the stuff Sally is used to, are very different. ''I ran out'' she admitted and you took a step closer to her, putting your hands on her shoulders, your eyes begging her to calm down.

''We can go and buy some right now, let's get dressed okay?'' you asked and it took two more meltdowns before she agreed to leave the house with you.

From that day on, things took a more positive turn however and you and Wilhemina got Sally to agree to go to group counseling therapy, where she would sit with a group of people, twice a week to talk about her feelings and experiences.

At first she really didn't want to go and begged you to go with her and of course you did. Sally settled in surprisingly well and she actually started looking forward to those meetings, you and Wilhemina insisted on driving her and somebody would always take her there and pick her up again after an hour. Whenever you drove her for the first few weeks, you would actually wait in the parking lot, just making sure she doesn't just pretend to go inside and leave again as soon as you or Wilhemina left.

But she didn't and you didn't learn the reason for this until a while later, because the aspect of socialising at these sessions really helped Sally. Having a group of strangers there, sharing similar stories and her finally understanding her behavior and learning that she isn't responsible for this and that it's a cycle that is very hard to escape, especially when attempting to fight it alone. She would regularly walk back to the car with the happiest smile, reaching another milestone, one week clean, two weeks clean and soon it will be one month.

Sally would talk about what she learned that day, what the others shared, she talked about someone there relapsing and how it made her feel. To motivate her further you bought this calendar and hung it the kitchen where she can mark her appointments but also her milestones.

Just when Sally, one of the two most important people of your life started doing better, you still aware that she isn't magically cured and still on this hard path of battling and fighting her demons, your other lover Wilhemina at last cracked under the pressure of the past few weeks.

With Wilhemina it's different than Sally, you would never find her broken and sad on the sofa after crying herself to sleep. You would never have her admit something is wrong, you would never hear a single complaint coming from her and that's the dangerous thing with the redhead. She is a master at hiding and shielding her emotions, of course, you got her to open up gradually and break those walls down, to get her to open up, get her to be honest, and communicate feelings or things on her mind, just like she would expect of you.

It all started with her physical therapy appointments, for years she has attended those for her back, she would do exercises there or do them at home. You being the mastermind at planning every aspect of your and their lives, you also wrote her appointments in the calendar and usually Wilhemina and Sally would tick of their appointments when finished but inspecting the calendar a bit closer one afternoon, you noticed that she hasn't ticked one off in a very long time.

''Maybe she forgot but went there'' you tried convincing yourself, remembering the many times she has told you she went to an appointment or did the exercises at home when you and Sally would be at work. It wasn't until two days later when you found out the truth, after Wilhemina calling you from work

''Little one, are you free?'' she asked and even though you were sitting in the university library, working of course you said you are because you know whenever Wilhemina calls and needs a favor it's urgent. ''Yes what is it Mina?'' you asked

''Can you call the doctors I need my pain medication again, I'm heading into a meeting now but I can pick up the prescription tomorrow morning'' she let you know and of course you did as she asked.

However, when ringing the doctors office, that you have sometimes rang or been to before when Mina needed something, they informed you that Wilhemina shouldn't be receiving any pain medication for another week, because she should still have some left and on top of that they informed you that she hadn't attended her physical therapy appointments in a while.

When the call ended you felt this silence, despite sitting outside of your university, hearing students talk, cars drive by and even some bird chirping, it was silent. Because that moment was a wakeup call, a slap from reality right in the face, reminding you that Sally isn't the only one fighting her battles even if she fights them more openly.

''It can't be a coincidence'' you tried reminding yourself and as you drove home that day your anxiety was so high, fearing Wilhemina's reaction and confronting her because you knew deep down already, no matter how you would possibly say it, she will be mad.

''For fucks sake Y/N I have attended those shitty appointment and I don't have medication left, those doctors are useless'' she cursed and neither you nor Sally have seen her like that in a while. You debated whether to fight her on this, get her to lash out but in the end admit the truth, let you and Sally in so you could be there for her and comfort her, just that never happened.

''It doesn't matter I will call them myself in the morning'' she told you. This has now been about a week ago and things became a little strange at home, Wilhemina and you wouldn't talk as much, of course, you talked, greeting each other and small talk but there was this huge wall standing between you two, none of you knowing whether to start and break it down.

Your mind being occupied by something entirely different, made it difficult to focus on Wilhemina or Sally in this past week, of course you asked them how they are, you listened, you made them baths, you did anything but university pulled you right into this ocean again, waves of responsibilities and deadlines crashing right at you.

Maybe you pushing away your own problems, stress and anxiety for over a month now, solely focussing on your two girlfriends and their wellbeing, reality and the lack of self care is finally hitting you, causing you to almost collapse on the bathroom floor of your university.

The sad part is that you did it, you finished your thesis about three days ago and today is finally the day where you are allowed to hand it in and finally have the stress come to an end, with no more obligatory classes now and you just having a break until you recieve your grades.

For the past five days or so, you haven't been able to sleep, eat or drink a lot. Of course you would occasionally force yourself to have a bite or some water or fall asleep, sitting in Mina's office in the middle of the night, reading over your thesis and work again and again. Usually before these things Mina would read over it, making sure you didn't get anything mixed up or any spelling mistakes, from all the hours of writing, researching. But within this past week, things have been so strange that you didn't want to ask her.

Still hyperventilating you are pulled out of the buzzing and loud thoughts when you hear your phone ringing. Closing your eyes, you hold your hand out and try reaching for your backpack and you manage to find a strap and pull it onto your body. Momentarily you wrap your arms around your bag as if it was a shield, stopping this crushing feeling in your chest, the pain and the thoughts, as if bullets of thoughts are being shot against you and your backpack shielding you.

But the vibration of your phone is tugging you out of this state yet again, even just for a moment. Somehow you manage to open the zip of your bag and you reach for your phone, the vibration making it easy to find with your eyes still closed, the dizzy feeling still too strong. Finally you manage to open your eyes and see Sally's photo through a blurry vision and you press the green button on your screen and the speaker button next, thinking it will be too much to actually lead the phone to your ear.

''Hi pumpkin'' her angelic voice rings through the speakers and somehow, even in this dark and scary moment you manage to smile. ''He- hey'' you manage to say and you can hear ruffling in the background

''I'm just going to one of my meetings and I was wondering how my pumpkin is doing'' she says and the crushing feeling in your chest, replaces with a fluttering feeling, you feel whenever being referred to as either their little one or pumpkin.

''By the way me and Mina were wondering when is your thesis due?'' she asks while lighting a cigarette in the car. ''I- today'' you say, feeling your breathing very slowly calming down and going to a more normal state.

''Today?'' she asks a bit shocked and she pauses for a moment, confused why you didn't mention that before, knowing how important that is to you. ''Yeah'' you mumble ''How come you didn't tell us, I could have taken you there today pumpkin or Mina could have read it again'' she asks.

Opening your eyes now, you see the time and realize you have to hand in your thesis now so you quickly try and prop yourself up, Sally's voice still right there, making you feel save and relaxed. ''I'm sorry I gotta go I have to hand it in now'' you explain and Sally nods before saying ''Good luck, love you pumpkin''.

After standing up and grabbing your bag slowly, you hold onto the bathroom walls, the last bit of stability that you have right now to hold on to, to shield you and keep you from losing control. After taking one more steady and deep breath, you unlock the door and walk towards the sink, putting some cold water on your wrists and also your face.

You open your backpack and grab a lemon gum because the sour taste usually distracts you from whatever is bothering you and the buzzing thoughts. Finally leaving the bathroom, you walk past the classrooms and hallways filled with students, for what kind of feels like one of the last times.

Your time at university flashes before your eyes in this moment, you see the main entrance and you remember the many times Sally or Mina would take you here on a monday morning after spending a beautiful weekend with them and them not having to go into work until the day later.

The places you stood, like your locker for instance, where Sally would sometimes call you and ask for help or Mina calling you and asking about your day and classes. You remember wandering these halls a few years back, before meeting Sally and Wilhemina and feeling confused as to how on earth you could ever get rid of this lonely feeling or the little skip of your heart, whenever you saw a couple kiss or hold hands. Then just about a year after, you found them and you then knew what it feels like to be held, to be kissed or to intertwine your hands with theirs.

''Oh hi there'' you hear Miss Anderson's voice and suddenly you snap out of your memories and thoughts. ''Hello Miss'' you reply with a polite smile and as you look at her you can see her features changing. ''Oh dear you don't look so well, are you okay?'' she asks and you simply nod, not really wanting to go into any details about your panic attacks or the state you were in moments before, but you can't deny how pale you are and how shaken you seem.

''Have you handed in your thesis yet?'' she asks but you shake your head ''I was just on the way'' you explain and she gives you an emphatic smile before saying ''I was just on my way over there too, come on'' and you follow her to the classroom where you are meant to hand it in.

As you arrive, you see some of your classmates, leaving the classroom, high-fiving each other and leaving with such a relieved and carefree expression, all the assignments, all the stress and exams finally over and the many sleepless nights now feeling like they were worth something.

You are greeted by Miss Parker ''Hi dear'' she greets you and you open your backpack and hand her your thesis with shaky hands, still not completely recovered from the panic attack. She looks at you, then Miss Anderson while retrieving the big folder that you carefully picked, every font, every word filled with so much detail. ''You just need to sign here now'' she explains and you do and she gives you a document after, that confirms you handed the biggest part of your entire work and time here, in now.

''You should probably get home and get some rest after all this exhausting time'' Miss Anderson suggests and you nod before Miss Parker jokingly says ''Oh come on she's young, she should be out celebrating'' and you smile at them before saying ''I will'' without explaining which suggestion you actually referred to and leaving the classroom with a polite smile.

[finleyjayne]

EXTRA

Pairing: Bucky x Fem!Reader

A/N: Hey guys, I know y’all don’t know me but I’m going to be trying to post some of my fan-fiction. It’s both exciting and scary, please reblog, share. I’m going to be trying to write a little blurb every day for the month of April. If you have any requests please send them my way and I’ll try my best. Thank you in advance. If you want to follow me for ONLY writings my writing blog is @finleyjaynewriting. 

Warnings: Angst, Panic Attack, Self-deprecating thoughts

Summary: You are a part of the Avengers family but it’s sometimes hard to keep yourself from falling into bad habits that you thought you kicked when an essay question from your last college English class causes you to backslide. It’s a good thing your boyfriend Bucky is there to rally the troops and remind you that you are loved, even when you decide to run around the tower in a cape. 

picture credit goes to: Marwan & Khaled Couture Fall/Winter 2019 

Originally blogged by @fashion-runways​

You had been sitting here, staring at your outline notes, grading rubric, and notebook for over an hour. And you still hadn't a scrap of what to write. The list of adjectives on the page getting fuzzier as you tried to decide whether or not they fit you. Or if they were something that your friends, team-members, or family would use to describe you.

 If there was one word to describe you, you'd like to think that it was intelligent. But seeing as you live in a tower with not one but two geniuses and three supersoldiers who have heightened cognitive functions, it was terrifying how stupid you feel on the daily. Even with your triple-majored ass, you were on the lower end of intelligence. 

 Okay, so the people around you wouldn't call you the smart one in the group. What about determined. I mean, it takes a substantial amount of determination to get three master's degrees at the same time in five years. Tapping your pen against your chin as you think, you shake your head. Yeah, no, not when compared to Mr. I-can-do-this-all-day. 

 Sam is the compassionate and supportive one.

 Natasha is independent and fearless.

 Bucky is strong and loyal.

 Bruce is sweet and patient. 

 Wanda is attentive and courageous.

 Tony is eccentric and a genius.

 Steve is gentle and determined.

 Clint is funny and hardworking (even if he tries to play it off).

 Gods, this assignment is going to be the downfall of my perfect 4.0 GPA. You think to yourself, slamming your head onto your notebooks. Why did you have to take English? None of your majors were English oriented. Music, Engineering, and Chemistry. No  English, no need to know how to write a complete sentence. No need to write 2 pages on what your friends consider you using one word. You should know, you've made it 97% of the way through all three majors without taking a single English class. The most writing I had to do was my dissertations, which had nothing to do with this useless "self-expression piece."  The prompt doesn't even make sense! Write 1000+ words on a single word. How is that logically not just busy-work? 

 Just as your eyes and sinuses start filling with the feeling of hopelessness, Bucky comes waltzing into the tower's library with his book of the week. 

 "Heya dollface. Taking a nap?" He calls, the chuckle entwining into his voice in that perfect way it does. 

 And that's all it takes for your body to unleash the body-shaking sobs. The soulful wail that tore through your chest and out your trembling lips was nothing like you'd ever let anyone see. Especially not your team. You were already the weak one. You didn't need them to think anything less, but after comparing yourself to them for the last two and a half hours, you couldn't keep your self-deprecation locked in its cage anymore. 

 Seeing you this way was terrifying for Bucky. He had never seen you cry anywhere besides on stage. Not when you had been on the Mission from Hell. Not when you were hormonal, and Clint stole your heating stuffy. Not even when you were grieving the loss of your ex-girlfriend. So now having your usually bubbly, determined, happy-go-lucky self in a full breakdown was new territory for him. 

 "Woah," he said, eyes widening as he stared. "Hey, hey, hey, it's okay, doll. If anybody deserves a nap, it's you." He comforted as he took giant steps to your chair. Lifting you effortlessly and positioning you into the cradle of his arms as he took a seat in the large Papasan chair to the side of your chosen workspace. Holding you in a tight embrace like you did when he was having a hard time with his anxiety. 

 He focused on breathing evenly and keeping his heartbeat in check, knowing that if he didn't stay calm, the situation would escalate into something worse. Shushing you and rocking you as he observed the table for anything that could give away why you were crying. Bucky knew better than most about your anxiety and depression. He had asked you once how you knew so much about helping him during one of your many cuddle sessions. You had just said that you were working from your own encounters before you changed the subject.

 Though he didn't know everything, Bucky did try to help you as much as he could, especially as your friendship turned into something more. Still, he couldn't see anything that would cause you to become this upset. Usually, you would complain about your English assignments as you hyper-focused on them. Giving up on figuring it himself, he turned back to his distraught girlfriend, who was fighting to control her emotions in his arms. 

 "Babygirl, can you match your breaths to mine? Come on. Breathe in, hold, breathe out." He whispered, holding her tighter to him as she shakily followed him through the exercise a few more times. "Good, now what has my BAMF girlfriend distressed. Who do I need to take care of?" 

 You could feel the seriousness in his voice before you could see him through your tears. "Nobody, it's not a big deal. Just a stupid essay for English."

 "Don't give me that shit, Y/F/N Y/L/N." Bucky cuts off your excuses sternly. "You rarely cry, which, no matter how much you fight it, is unhealthy." Before you could even open your mouth to argue, he had a gentle, calloused finger on your lips. "Not going to remonstrate this. You are clearly upset, you are not okay, and that is okay. I just want to know why so I can help you more fully." He says, lifting his finger from your lips to tuck a few strands of your hair from your face.

 Sighing, you look down. "It's just this essay, I have to write about one word that my friends use to describe me. I ended up spiraling while trying to find a word that would be mine when all the ones I usually consider myself are more aptly displayed by somebody else. Honestly, I don't know why you keep me around. I'm pretty average." you admit, curling in on yourself as your tears gather again. 

 "Hey, none of that printsessa." He scolded you softly. "You are important to us. You are smart, fun, and inspirational. You are the reason we aren't at each other's throats. You are the instigator of too many of our team-building exercises. You single-handedly instigated the reconciliation between Steve and Tony." He started, giving you a smirk as you begin to scrunch your nose up. Tears were forgotten.

 You really didn't like it when he made sense when you were upset. It made feeling bad really hard. The worst part; Bucky damned well knew it. "But, you're biased, Bucky."

 "Maybe I am, but I also know you. And if I heard you correctly: It doesn't say one word YOU would choose to call yourself, but one word WE would define you as. Therefore, you shouldn't be wondering what words we would use. You should have gotten up and asked us. Or even better, you should've texted the group chat and asked! Then you wouldn't be here sending yourself into a hate-spiral, doll." Bucky reprimands softly. Determined to get rid of the lies that your mind is spewing at you, just like you do for him. 

 "I don't wanna bother you guys with my stupid homework. You guys didn't sign up to be pestered by my lack of self-mediation." You grumble huffily, knowing full well you are acting stubborn.

 "If you won't help yourself. I guess it's up to me to help you." Bucky states, standing up with you still cradled snugly in his arms. 

 "BUCKY!" You admonish, clinging to him at his sudden movement. "At least let me walk. I'm overwhelmed and sad, not crippled."

 "What's to say, I don't just wanna carry you? Huh? Also, you're holding me just as tightly love." He smiles brightly at you, kissing you briefly before turning back to the exit. Book, schoolwork, and his original objective forgotten for his new mission. He was going to find his doll her confidence again, with all the positive affirmations that should've been her first thoughts.

 Once settled in the elevator, Bucky looks up, "Hey, Friday, can you take us to Tony, please?" After confirmation from the resident AI, he sets your feet on the ground from the bridal carry he's holding you in but keeping you close to him. "So you need one word? What is your plan?" 

 Keeping your arms in their place around his neck, you lean your head against his secure warmth. "I don't really know, Buck. I kinda got stuck on the first step. If it was an analytical or critical styled piece, it would be a breeze, but it is supposed to be a descriptive essay. I don't know what to do with that. If it was a song, I'd be cuddled with you and my ukelele by now, putting finishing touches on the finished product. But no, there isn't any room for incomplete sentences. Maybe I'll make it a song just to spite the evil bat."

 "Hey, dollface, it's okay, I'm here to help you. Does it just have to be one word, or can it be structured for each person you know to have a different word? Remember what Peter said that one time he was working with you on Formatting? Your thesis could be something like 'I am many things to many different people and therefore have many different words that can be used to describe me. These things are A, B, C, and D. Then, you can use each term for a paragraph of fluff."

 Taking a deep breath, your lip twitches somewhere between a smile and a deep frown. "That does sound like a good idea. I don't really want to track down everyone, though. Can we get everyone into the same room and ask them as a group? It would be less hassle, and maybe we can decide on reasoning and stories to use to explain why? I really don't know how to do this without being really pessimistic and cynical about the whole thing."

 "Mr. Stark is in his lab, he is recommended that he is brought down to the commons, where I will page everyone else." Came Friday's disembodied voice. 

 "Thank you, Friday," you whispered. You weren't really sure that you were ready for this, but you know that this is the best way to finish this essay without spiraling into your self-pity again. It has to get done. Procrastination is not an option. After all, these are your friends. They don't have to know that you were bawling your eyes out about this stupid assignment. 

 Taking another steadying breath, you wipe the remainder of your tears off your make-up-less face onto Bucky's soft T-shirt, before turning out of his embrace to march confidently into Tony's Lab. "Hey Tones, your presence is required in the Commons." You call as you walk in the door. Knowing that Friday would've warned you if Tony had been in the middle of something delicate. 

 "What is it for? I want to get this sequence reconfigured. Can it wait?" Tony said, his full attention on a large display of Smalltalk equational programming floating off of his Holotable. 

 "Nope, if you don't come now, you don't get to participate, let Friday do the reconfiguration code. It will be done by the time you get back. If you come and keep your attitude to a minimum, I'll let you use me as a scapegoat for your next prank." You try to bribe when he looked offended that I'd suggest such a thing.

 "Any prank? Even if it's against loverboy?" Tony perked, throwing a truly roguish smirk over your shoulder. 

 "As long as no one is injured or harmed. But to make sure that I can cover your ass, you need to fill me in on the joke BEFORE you pull it." You say herding him away from the endless rows of code while he is occupied with his next plot. 

  When you finally make it to the Commons, The rest of the Avengers are gathered on the couches. All seemed to be in a decent enough mood. Taking a deep breath, you look to Bucky for direction on how to implement this plan of his. 

 He gives your hand a squeeze as he guides you to the middle of the sectional. Holding you from behind, he clears his throat. "Hey, guys. Thanks for coming to this impromptu meeting. I know you guys were probably doing nothing, anyway, but I appreciate you coming down here. Doll, here, needs some help from us. Well, you guys, since apparently, I am biased." His tone is light as he brings attention to us.

 You can't help but feel that knot of uncertainty come back as he speaks, though. You try your best to hide the shaking of your hands by holding onto Bucky's forarms that rest tightly around your middle, grounding you into the moment. Please just let this be quick. 

 "You are biased," you grumble. "You have to say the best things because you are my boyfriend. It makes for a skewed view on what my friends think of me." 

 "She does have a point, Buck. You tend to have neverending heart-eyes whenever anything is about her. Though that is reasonable, seeing as she is your girl. I'd be more concerned if you didn't have a shade or two of rose to your glasses." Steve said from his station in on the nearest end of the couch to the door. 

 "If his glasses are tinted any pinker, they won't be able to be seen through." Scoffed Sam from the other end of the couch. 

 "Doesn't matter," Bucky cut in before there could be any more railroading. "Y/N has an essay that she has to write but couldn't find the right inspiration for the prompt. Seeing as it pertains to our views on her, I felt it necessary to bring our expertise into the mix."

 "Oh, What's the prompt?" Bruce asked from the corner of the window seat. 

 "It's stupid, It's an essay on the word that your friends and family would use to describe you. Well, in this case, describe me." You say to the oak coffee table that separated the majority of them from you and Bucky. 

 "Doll, stop hating, and just accept the help." He whispered into your 

 "Well, you've definitely come to the right place. Come on, guys, what words describe Y/N?" Tony said enthusiastically, rubbing his hands together from the place he found next to Natasha.

 "Friday, can you make a list on the monitor, so we don't forget any?" Steve asked the AI helpfully.

 "Good idea, I'll start with eccentric," Nat stated.

 "Bubbly."

 "Funny."

 "Smart."

 "Out-going."

 "Playful."

 "Creative."

 "Hardworking."

 "resourceful, Multi-talented, Impressive."

 "Badass."

 "Stubborn." 

 Words just kept coming at incredible speed before there was a ding at the elevator. "Mrs. (Y/L/N), The package you ordered last night needs to be signed for if you wouldn't mind." Friday cut in. 

 As more words were being piled onto the TV screen, you turned toward the elevator. "It's here already??" you asked, making your way to the waiting delivery man. I quickly signed for the package before coming back to the group. Ripping into the box without care as Tony and Clint argued over positive and negative words on the list.

 Letting out an excited squeal while you pulled the long, sky-blue cape out of the box and swishing it over your shoulders, clasping it easily, and spinning in a circle to make it swish out. It was just as you imagined. Silky, soft, and absolutely perfect for everything. When you finally came back to the conversation you found yourself at the center of attention, everyone's eyes were on you in different mixes of amusement and exasperation. 

 "Where you going, Miss Bennet?" Tony laughed out.

 "What do you mean, where am I going? This is my house cape. Don't you have one? It's the latest fashion." You bite back, raising your head in indignation. "I love it, I am going to wear it. EVERYWHERE."

 As everyone's faces split into the biggest smiles, Peter walked into the room, tossing his backpack onto the floor as he took a seat between Sam and Steve. 

 "No Capes!" He said, lovingly referencing the Incredibles. Sending a ripple of laughs through the group of superheroes. "So what has you so Extra today, Y/N?"  

 "Nothing, I just saw this for sale while I was doing research for my recital dress and thought it would be nice." You respond fondly, feeling invincible in the cape. 

 "THAT'S IT! YOUR WORD IS EXTRA!" Clint said, springing from his perch. Everyone looked contemplative for a moment before nodding. 

 "Agreed. It's perfect. You give extra in everything you do." Steve said, not really getting the modern connotation.

 Even though it isn't any of the words that you thought they would choose, you can't really complain. Especially when it gives you the privilege of wearing your Couture Cape around the tower, just because you want to.

 Smiling at Bucky, you raised slightly on your toes to kiss his cheek, whispering a thank you. And with that, you whooshed off to write the worst essay in your academic career. Leaving the bickering and astounded Avengers in your wake.

[adhd-sorcha]

Hey, i also was recently (1 year) diagnosed with ADHD. And I'm considering going back to college, considering what to study next or finish my masters degree. Started thinking maybe I'll go to med school as this pandemic has really made me reconsider things. I guess my question for you is this..what are you studying and how has the studying been for both the phd and the research master's degree you have? I have a BS in psychology (only stated this for reference) thanks in advance. Good luck!

Hello! I’m actually studying a related field to yours! My bachelors is in neuroscience (though it also involved other biological fields and some chemistry and some psychology). For my the masters, I did research into Parkinson’s disease and the PhD was in the same. (Both were pre-clinical research, so no human patients involved)

I’m going to preface this by saying that I was only diagnosed after I started my PhD (I think around December? So only a few months ago!). It would be good to keep that in mind while reading this because my experience is very much coloured by the fact that I was not receiving any accommodations and genuinely didn’t understand why I was struggling. So, this may not sound too positive, but I like to think that it’s a situation that’s fixable or avoidable, especially if, like yourself, you go into your work knowing that you have ADHD. (Also, keep in mind that I did a lab science, so some of what I say might be a bit specific to that!)

I found my research masters to be a complete slog and, if I’m honest, did not particularly enjoy it. I did a one year MSc. It was all research and no classes. At first this sounded like a great idea. I had been starting to struggle with classes and exams in my undergrad from maybe third year. I put it down to being sick of classes. I now know that’s not the case. It was because my work was moving more to self-directed learning and modules whose grades were based entirely on one big exam and so needed a lot of study instead of smaller, more manageable homework type tasks.

A research degree is very self directed. With my masters involving no classes, my getting the degree was based completely on my thesis. 

It involved: 1) spending hours at a time at my computer looking through data bases and reading paper after paper. 2) organising and planning my experiments. 3) carrying out those experiments. 4) being trained in on new lab techniques/how to use new equipment.  5) analysing and interpreting my data in the context of all the reading that I had done. 6) putting it all together in a nice neat document. 

In other words: time management and self-regulation are key. Not easy when you have ADHD, even worse when you don’t know you have ADHD. I really enjoy lab work and analysis, so getting myself to go do those really wasn’t that bad. I really really struggled with the reading and getting the writing done.

I struggled and I didn’t understand why I struggled. I didn’t understand how other people did multiple experiments in one day and read papers in between lab work and wrote a few thousand words over the weekend while I was lucky if it only took me one whole day to read the main points of a paper.. I didn’t understand how everyone else could rattle off information on their research topic off the top of their head, while I struggled to remember the details of a protocol I did earlier that day. I felt like I was getting through my lab work very slowly and not as efficiently. As you can imagine, I felt like I was incompetent and useless and that everyone was better than me and that I didn’t belong working with them. 

Unfortunately, this wasn’t resolved before I started my PhD. And a PhD doesn’t just involve research. It involves taking classes and often it involves assisting in the teaching and supervision of the undergraduates, as well as organising training on different equipment and then the assessments for all that training... It got very busy very fast and you have to do all that work yourself. I had one class that I kept forgetting to even go to because none of my lab mates were in it to remind me to go (and it was my only class whose mark was attendance based! Why brain??? Whhhhyyyy????). And, once again, I felt like I was far more inefficient and less-abled than my lab mates. Now, everyone was very kind and supportive, but they had their own work to do too.

It was a few months into the PhD that I found out that I had ADHD and that was only because I sought treatment for pretty bad depression and anxiety. I’ve taken medical leave to try to recover from these and I may even drop out altogether. But you know what? I still think a research degree in completely doable with ADHD! And I still plan on getting a PhD at some point.

Like I said at the start, it’s important to remember that I did this without knowing that I had ADHD. I had no medication. I had no accommodations. And I didn’t know to take it easy on myself. Most importantly, I didn’t know to ask for help.

My biggest advice? Ask for help! Or at least tell someone when you’re struggling. In my experience it’s a big help

I told my MSc supervisor that I was struggling with my mental health and that it was interfering with finishing my thesis. She was so understanding and it was so helpful in getting it sent off for examination.

I told my PhD supervisor that I had just been diagnosed with ADHD and within about 5 minutes he had all my lab work rearranged and planed out for me and basically told me that he would make the start of my PhD as straightforward for me as possible while I got a handle on everything going on. 

Just before I went on leave, my counselor in the university was helping me get set up with the disability support services to see what kind of accommodations I could get (they could include longer exam times, more flexible deadlines for assignments etc...).

I told my lab mates what was going on and they provided more general support just by having people to talk to.

Okay, so my experience probably doesn’t sound like the most encouraging of prospects, but take it as a more cautionary tale. This was how not to do research with ADHD! If you go into your degree already knowing you have ADHD, you’re already miles more prepared than me! Especially because I’m now learning and beginning to accept that sometimes, for us to do well, we need to do things a little differently to neurotypical students. I used to beat myself up over things that I now realise were actually coping strategies (like, I’d have to write more reminders for myself than other people would or something like that) and that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing those things if they help. The neurotypical way isn’t the only way. Sometimes I  unknowingly did things in an ADHD friendly way and assumed I was doing it ‘wrong’ when what it actually was was just different.

I would definitely encourage you to go back to study if that’s what you want to do! But it will definitely be important to remember that you have a hurdle that not all the other students are going to have to jump over, so be kind to yourself, don’t be afraid to ask for help and don’t be afraid to do things differently if you need to.

[purplesurveys]

766

My dad is starting to gear me up for ~adult life~ and has made me start a Paypal, a social security number, and all that jazz and it’s making me immensely anxious, so expect more surveys than usual in the next few days lmao.

How frequently are you inclined to read, and how much? Not frequent at all. I’ll read only if I have to; and when it comes to reading for leisure, I’ll only reread books I’ve already read in the past. I find it sad considering how big of a bookworm I was as a kid. When was the last time you questioned the direction your life was taking? Right now, what with the Covid crisis. My life would have been mapped out ever so neatly if my life’s schedule went as expected - finish the sem, finish my thesis, graduate, travel for a bit, get a job. Now that that has been thrown out the window I essentially have to start from scratch and go into the world blind. And if you've been reading my surveys, you’ll know my least favorite thing to have to deal with is big change. Would you say that your personal views align with society's, generally? Not the society I have no choice but to be surrounded by, which is mostly Catholic, homophobic, sexist, and just very backwards in general. But when it comes to people I voluntarily choose to be with, like the friends I make and the people I follow on social media, I make sure their views are as liberal as mine so I don’t go completely crazy. ^ If not, in what ways do your opinions drastically differ? I just said it, but yeah Filipinos continue to be very resistant to more open-minded, modern views. Girls will still often be told to cover up, religions other than Christianity are viewed as wrong and of lower status, abortion is the most scandalous thing a woman could do, drug addicts must be handled with bullets and not rehab, etc. Basically everything you can roll your eyes over, that’s what Filipinos will tend to side with; and it’s very difficult to want to have your voice heard here because you will be ridiculed and thrown Bible verses instead of legit arguments. What small things have the ability to get under your skin? People who only start picking their orders once they’re the ones at the cashier, drivers who do have their turn signal on but will go THE OTHER DIRECTION, finding out there’s a car accident and I find out traffic has been building up only because drivers slow down to look at the crash site. The last one makes me especially mad every time it happens lol.

When was the last time you were caused to be upset with someone? I haven’t been upset with anyone in a while. If I’m upset these days, blame it on the weather. ^ Have you made up with that individual yet, or will you ever? I will never be ok with the summer climate over here. What is something small that has the ability to cure a bad mood? Hearing a favorite song on the radio as I’m driving, hitting all the green lights while driving, finding a parking spot near the mall entrance... man I really miss going out :(( What beverage is best capable of quenching your thirst? Water. What was the last big change through which you went? It hasn’t happened yet but I’ll be graduating and will officially be done with school forever in a few weeks. I mean, that’s the case unless I decide to take up a master’s but honestly the chances of that are super blurry as I’m over school at this point. ^ Do you deal well with change, typically? Have you always? I am honestly terrible at it and as much as I’m excited to get my first real job, I’m also scared to see how my adjustment pans out. I’ve had a pattern for not being able to adapt well to a new phase – I didn’t adjust in high school until my junior year, and I didn’t adjust in college until the latter half of my sophomore year. I really wish the trend doesn’t continue in the workplace because I can’t handle another mental slump. How do you feel after spending a great quantity of time online? I feel nothing? I mean I need the internet to do almost everything so it’s just become a part of daily routine; it’s normalized already. I would tend to feel some shame if I’ve been unproductive online when I could’ve been doing much more important stuff, but I’ve been avoiding that - I’ve been working on my thesis again, working on stuff for my org, participating in my other extracurriculars, etc. I feel relatively productive given the current circumstances. What do you consider to be the biggest drawback to being you? Like I said, I’m terrible with change. It takes forever for me to warm up to new conditions, and in that period I tend to feel very alone and miserable. I don’t know why I’ve never learned to just get out and make friends earlier. What do you consider the best part of being who you are? ^ Related to said drawback, once I have adjusted to the change, I do very well. I make lots of friends and am back to being my bubbly, social self. I just wish She could come out more easily. What kinds of things do you have on display in your room? Several Audrey Hepburn frames, a couple of paintings, and a poster of a Korean actor. What do you think your room and its contents say about you, if anything? I think more than anything you’ll see how my interests have shifted over the years haha. There’s tons of old WWE magazines, Paramore albums, Beyoncé albums and DVDs, crafty stuff like painting sets and coloring books, etc. When was the last time you felt insecure about something/some situation? Half hour ago when my dad was encouraging me to register for a bunch of grownup stuff. He doesn’t pester me a lot in small bits everyday (which I would really prefer); he’s more of a I’ll-dump-all-this-shit-on-you-in-one-go kind of person, which pressures me even more. I mean I’m excited for this new chapter but I wish he didn’t tell me to start a bank account and a Paypal and a social security number and a TIN all at the same time. What is something about which you are very confident or self-assured? I pride myself on being a good worker/co-worker. Do you ever stop to contemplate infinity? No. Are you comfortable amongst nature, or does the wilderness discomfit you? Sure, it makes me feel at peace. When was the last time someone or something caught you off guard? Andrew did a buuuunch of progress on our thesis this afternoon after a few days of passive-aggressively telling him that I’ve been doing all the work in the last week. How much time do you put into maintaining your appearance and hygiene? I don’t want to take a lot of time since I’m usually on a tight schedule but I do put enough effort to look and smell nice, if that makes sense. Like I wouldn’t take hours to do my makeup and put up an intricate hairdo, but I will still make sure I don’t exit the house looking shabby. Are there any foods you eat daily? . . . Or wish you could? I have rice and some sort of meat everyday. When was the last time someone new entered your life? Start of the semester when we had a new wave of applicants joining our org. ^ What was your first impression of that individual? They all seemed nice and fun to be around, and I’m glad their batch has had amazing chemistry from the get-go. But because of the lockdown I never got to know them all that well so I’m a little sad about it, since I’m already graduating. Do you put much thought into your handwriting? No? It’s not really something I can control anyway haha. What are some of the top priorities in your life right now? Ugh I’ve talked about this so much on here that it’s almost stupid because I take these surveys to begin with to distract myself from my current anxieties only for the surveys to ask about said anxieties ksksksks. Can I say pass for now? Lol In general, how do you feel about romantic relationships? They’re nice, and it feels good to have a person you can share everything to, be affectionate with, who supports you in everything, etc. I’ve been used to being in one for so long now I honestly can’t imagine being single. Which emotional sensation inconveniences or bothers you the most? As if I haven’t talked about it on this single survey enough, anxiety. Are you capable of consoling others in their grief? It depends on how bad is the thing they’re grieving and how accepting they are of help. I don’t know if I’m capable of talking to someone who has lost a parent, but I’ll be able to talk to a friend who’s going through a breakup. Do you ever find it awkward to compliment another being? No. I can give compliments, but I’m unable to take them. When was the last time you had a new experience? What was it? Earlier this afternoon when my dad made me make a Paypal hahaha. Skskss plz stop reminding me of scary things Do you dress more for yourself, or to the expectations of others? A little bit of both. I want to look nice, but I also make sure I keep up with the trends so others think I look nice. What kinds of things tend to stress you out? The stuff I’ve mentioned throughout this survey... What is one way you cope when you feel like crap? I watch videos, I eat whatever I’m craving, I talk about it with my girlfriend, I hug my dog... I have a lot of coping mechanisms.

Name an insult you regularly receive, if there is one? My mom tells me so many insults on a regular basis I can put each one of them in a spinning wheel and give you whatever comes out lol. Name a site that takes up a lot of your time? YouTube. What is something you used to believe about life that you no longer do? That money was easy to acquire. It was certainly so easy to fantasize about as a kid. What is a lesson you have recently learned? I don’t recall picking up anything new lately. Realizations, sure; but I’m not sure about lessons. Do you have a tendency to look on the morbid side of life? Sometimes. When was the last time you went shopping? What did you buy? A weekend before the quarantine. I bought a couple of new tops. When you shop for clothing, how long does it take you? 10-15 minutes tops. I just pick out whatever looks pretty. What is something fun you have done within the past week? It’s been a horrid week. I can’t answer this question. What is something you hope you never have to do again? Stay at home with nothing to do for this long. How does the rain affect your mood, if it does? It makes me feel happy and at peace.

[romy350-romyakari]

i’m gonna leave this to any of your judgment since maybe some pressure can help my head at this moment

I really have a hard time doing stuff I know I am not good at because there is this uncomfortable feeling I know it is not going the best I could if I could just bear with doing it because maybe I am okey, I usually do some of my homework because I is required but it is never the best unless I am really exited about something i can do it on my way, bit of generalist is all they teach me so there is stuff I love to do and stuff I don’t have a clue what I am doing but i need something to present so I have to drag myself to do so.

I can plan it out, break it into pieces so is easier but if I don’t like to or know I won’t manage to get it that well it really became hard to deal with.

So I include to my pressure to get more productive this last months with lots of reminder that I can’t do anything I like unless I am done with my stuff, it has been hard but most of the time I keep myself from opening anything I like though I cans say I fail a little sometimes, but some improvement was made even though it was draining at the end.

The result of this has been somewhat good but how long it still took me to start well or have a good phase working is debatable to say the least but at least I feel nobody could say I was not trying enough or slacking since I was really trying to get myself together for sake of my grades and the effort my parents were putting and support I was given.

That was before I remember I was diagnosticated with ADHD over 13 years ago and I just forgot sine at some point my parents just decide to treat me like a normal child and my memory has always been this awful so yeah i could not have remember except when a few words trigger some memories.

Some stuff became clear and old habit that my parents teach me does make sense now. it has been a 360° experience so far now been aware of it.

I have always have some point that I though it was just me been weak, clumsy and dumb but now some of my weird ways to be had some explanation.

Now more of what is going on right now, I have been assigned with some task I am really dragging myself to do but they are super important to get done, I had manage to get stuff give to my “superiors”, they are my classmates but of the shortfilm on the go they have responsibility to give us task so we can complete the shortfilm the class is working to graduate, it will sustain the group thesis to get out title at the end of the year and so.

This is important so I have really telling myself to not screw up, not this time.

First month I was trying to get the task done was presentation and feedback, I got last minute send the stuff somehow in many cases, but they decides to request something more complex I have no idea about this last weeks, I had to figure it out and break it in so many pieces, there was a way and so I try

it was a mess and yeah I feel I was close to got nuts on it. anyways they say still needs corrections and even though it sounds easy... It was a mess on my head all the time and for them to ask corrections and still need to apply the same to another one I was assigned , it is really bad....

at that point I can say I start to freak out, thanks anxiety, and also got some emotional breakdowns since I has been hard to keep my mind on track. I was tired, mentally and physically, use my time before sleep or my hours of sleep to get my mind to do more than get stuck, I made mistakes and so but still I got so little done that it was terrible...

It has been almost 2 weeks and really the thing had not improve, I have not touch any stuff I enjoy in months and I feel like I am losing it, I break down on some emotional and even at work I can’t get focus is really frustrating.

I feel like scream but when I am about to I stop because it will worry people and is simply hear my anxiety stop me like a big hit, I have been crying more often on the bathroom to avoid looks of others, but a smile on me and try to keep “fine”.

I have so little control left but if I keep on it is because anxiety help on keep acting because the moment they all start thinking I am acting all this and not tiring to be responsible or behave it will may be harder or they think I am nuts which may not be wrong but I am so tired I don’t want any of that. I want to get this right.

One of my grandfather is close to death any time early next year or so, he is bad, really really bad. He hope I get to graduate and I want so too so I can try what I have been kind of hoping to try, my parents have give so much I can’t let my mind break down just yet

Have to keep a bit more but my impulsiveness has got me to start and cut all that relax me thanks to anxiety it keep driving me to keep on autopilot but I have cry so much, I have feel like my chest has been about to explode of all this emotions jumping everywhere, my mind just lost trying so hard to focus but more worried and jumping, all is so mess up.

I don’t know any more maybe is me and I am just such a failure, but i don’t know how to get hold of myself, less I want is been trouble for the ones I love like my family and friends but idk what else to do...

[eerythingisshaka]

Wakanda Got Y’all Pt. 7

[Black Panther x Insecure Mashup]

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Word Count: 2.2k

The outreach center was operating in its usual mode.  Children playing in the gymnasium and fitness centers, tutoring area giving one on one help to kids on their studies, lunches and snacks distributed on schedule.  Luckily attendance rose with the stat of the regular school year.

Issa helped in the tutoring room with Frieda and a couple of other volunteers.

“Issa!  We have really picked up our numbers since the first week, isn’t this exciting?”  Frieda asks with a smile bigger than her hair.

Issa couldn’t help but admit the same.  “I know! I really can’t believe it, but I guess T’Challa was right.  They will come eventually, long as we are consistent and patient about it.”

Frieda puts on a thoughtful look peering at Issa.  “Wise words, from a king nonetheless. Have you guys been...getting along?”

Issa instantly starts to sweat.  “Hey Bradley! Don’t let those equations divide your attention.  Multiply your knowledge young’un!” Issa yells out across the room abruptly, causing the other students to sit up and look at her suspiciously.

“Which one is Bradley…”  Frieda asks searching the room.

There was no Bradley, Issa just needed an excuse to change the subject from T’Challa.

“He back there.  So, um, have you seen Nakia around today?  I was hoping to get to talk to her a little bit to go over some stuff.”

“Oh no worries.  I already got with her about the one piece she wore.  I saw you couldn’t keep staring so I asked where she got it, but she said it’s exclusive to her tribe so we probably shouldn’t appropriate.”

Issa blinks wildly, shaking her head.  “Wait, did she say we shouldn’t appropriate?”

Frieda shakes her head.  “No, that’s my thoughts on it.”  

“Frieda, it wouldn’t be appropriation if I did it.  You passed the diversity training with flying colors, I don’t know why this trips you up still.”

“Ohhh, right.  I’m sorry I almost stripped you of your Black identity to your roots.  Honestly, I can’t believe my foolishness.”

“Plus that wasn’t even what I was talkin about.  I need her to-”

“Can y’all take this conversation outside or put a pin in it?  My thesis ain’t gonna write itself.” One shiny, round boy boy spoke up from his laptop.

“Sorry!  Bradley…?”  Issa asks.

“Stefon, lady.  Damn!” He corrects.

“Young man, remember the clean language policy please.”  Frieda warns gently.

“How about y’all just REMEMBER, ma’am?”  The boy says with some neck work.

Issa mutters to herself.  “Damn, he really is a Stefon.  Um, sorry. Frieda, I’m going to find Nakia, you got this?”

Frieda waves her off.  “No doubt. Take your time!”

Issa walks out of the tutoring area towards the administrative offices where Nakia is located.  The secretary says hello as she confirms with Issa that Nakia was present and wrapping up a meeting.  

Issa sat down and pulled out her phone to pass the time, seeing a message from Kellie in the group chat.

(K) Is Tiffany covering the bill for this girls night since this was her damn idea?  Shit is high as hell, even after happy hour discount.

Molly pops up.  No girl, just stick to what you can do, we’ll wind down at my spot afterwards anyway.  Save your drink money.

That’s👏 what 👏 I’m 👏 talkin 👏 bout!  Kelli emotes.

Oh, Molly, you cool if Nakia is at your place too?

(M) She comin??

I’m about to ask…

(K) Oh!  If we bringin plus ones, lemme bring my Butterball to the function too!

(M) NO!  Y’all ain’t fuckin in my damn apartment.

(K) Woooow, like I’m that disrespectful.  Fuck you too then!

So is that a yeah or…

(M) If you get the balls to ask, she can.  But she ain’t my business, so if things go south, she out!

Issa hears Nakia’s door open followed by laughter.  Nakia walks out with T’Challa, stopping to give him a hug, making Issa squirm uncomfortably.  T’Challa breaks away and turns to see her.

“Issa!  Hello, you look well.  Were you waiting on me?”  T’Challa asks, while striding over to Issa, holding her hand to stand her up.  His sunny demeanor was hard to ignore, especially when she wasn’t sure if it was truly for her or from Nakia.

“No, actually, I am here to see Nakia.  I wanted to have a little talk, girl talk, you know.”  Issa says, stammering slightly.

T’Challa smiles looking back at Nakia.  “Be kinder to her than you just were to me, eh?  Issa, I would like to see you later. Call me when you are free.”  He says kissing the back of her hand with a wink.

“Issa, come in.  I was hoping to see you actually.”  Nakia’s ethereal voice calls out to her as she gracefully turns to go back into her office, beckoning Issa with a twirl of her fingers in the air.

As Issa walks in, she is caught up in the decor of Nakia’s office.  Earth tones set her mood at ease with the dark wood panel walls, rich tapestry lining the wall behind her.  Exotic plants emit fragrances to tickle her senses. The babbling of a large waterfall running over the plastic rock formations sing in her eardrum as she takes a seat in the comfy chair.

“Wow, I didn’t know you worked in a spa.  I should’ve came here more often.” Issa says in amazement.

Nakia smiles sweetly, folding her hands on her desk.  “Trust me, this wasn’t in the budget, but I figured I could splurge myself for a home away from home.”

Issa nods.  “Yeah, I can only imagine being outside of where I’m from.  It’s kind of exciting but scary too.”

Nakia waves this notion off.  “Oh no, I am used to being away from home.  I have traveled all around the world as a War Dog for Wakanda.  This is a vacation in comparison.”

Issa blinks, feeling her anxiety grow.  “Excuse me? War Dog?”

Nakia nods, looking at Issa in surprise.  “Yes! I thought I told you? Anyway, a war dog is like a spy.  It’s how we keep tabs on the happenings around the world, intervene when necessary, other classified things.  It’s so exciting, for selfish reasons really; half the reason me and T’Challa couldn’t work out.”

“Oh.”  Issa says softly.  The reality of being the one after Nakia to T’Challa breaks her confidence down further.  

Nakia cocks her head to the side with concern.  “I hope us working together does not make things uncomfortable for you.  He seems to believe in you a lot and T’Challa’s judgment is pretty sound for the most part.”

“No, not at all.  We’re taking things slow anyway.  I would barely call it a relationship, I mean, we’re talking but nothing deep, you know.”  Issa stammers

“It’s all good!  Long as everyone’s happy I’m happy.  And speaking of, I wanted to talk to you about We Got Y’all.”

Issa sits up straighter.  “Yeah, go ahead.”

Nakia twists her hands together anxiously.  “I wonder exactly how well we mesh together as a unit.  Don’t get me wrong, I still feel that the benefit of mixing us together helps our causes more than it hinders but there are little parts that may be a challenge to the overall goals we are trying to achieve.”

Issa furrows her brow.  “Well, ok. Could you be more specific?”

Nakia bites her lip.  “Some of the coordinators seem a bit out of touch with the culture here.  And that is coming from me, I’m, certainly not tied to America in the slightest, nor would I permanently choose to be.  But some are either too, let’s say ‘engaged’ with the students and their needs to the point of concocting worse backstories on assumption, while others are completely aloof to put it nicely.”

Issa knew exactly the ones that Nakia was talking about.  “I get it, you don’t even have to say a thing about it. Like you said, they try for the cause by showing up but it’s hard for them to see past innate differences sometimes.  You should’ve seen them trying to use me like a cheat sheet on what to even say to you guys, and even Erik, and he’s from here!”

Nakia shakes her head in disbelief.  “It’s outstanding the lengths people will go to appear accepting only to trip and fall on their own face, when you’ve asked for none of it in the first place.”

Issa nods encouragingly.  “Can we just say it now? White people?”

“Pssh, I was just about to, you beat me to it!”  

They share a genuine laugh that felt so good for Issa to let go, like a weight was lifted from her shoulders.  “I can talk to them, try and make things a little less tense and remind them you guys aren’t aliens.”

“The curly haired nervous one, she can be that way sometimes.  Very knowledgeable but everyday does not have to be CNN.”

“Right!  Just talk regular, she is an easy fix.  Frieda is the ally you want to have around here.”   Issa assures Nakia.

“Noted, thank you again for your input.  I won’t keep you from your weekend any longer, please have a good day.”  Nakia gets up, collecting some papers on her desk.

“Actually that is something I wanted to bring up.  Me and some girlfriends of mine were gonna have a girls night out, and we haven’t gotten wind down time together.  So I thought maybe you’d wanna come?”

Nakia’s eyes lit up.  “Sure! That sounds like a good plan!  I’d love to join your friends, just let me know what I should bring.”

Issa dismisses her, getting up.  “Oh just bring yourself. You’re my guest, it’s not problem.”

Nakia stands coming around to give Issa a strong hug.  “Thank you for the invitation. I cannot wait!”

“Great!  I’ll give you the details later!”  Issa says goodbye, leaving her office on cloud nine.  Their talk went way better than she ever expected, and now the other girls will get to meet her too.  Issa began to look forward to the night even more now. And with a ding of her phone, T’Challa gave her reason to leave work a little early.

Before she texts him back, she messages the girls.

Hey! Confirmed one more head for our night!

(T) I don't know her. Molly may not have room at her place...

(M) Uh, don't shade my apt...

I thought we were eating out?

(K) Call your man for that.  Tiffany tryna be bougie cheap is all.

The hell is bougie cheap?

(K) Avoiding tipping by doing a house party which is more expensive.

(T) whatever.  I just couldn't find a reservation last minute. But she can bring something to contribute.

Ok what are we needing?

(T) No no. She can bring something. We don't know her, let her impress us.

It wasn’t even Tiffany’s party and she was already running shit

---

T’Challa wanted to eat out tonight, so he picked her up for a night out to a mid range restaurant for them to enjoy.

“Ooh!  I think I’m going to get the shrimp.  I’m feeling fancy and delicate.” Issa says, bopping in her seat slightly.

T’Challa looks at her, staring at the candlelight illuminates their table romantically.  “Whatever you like sounds good to me.”

“No, you have to get something different.”  Issa protests.

“And why is that?”

“....so the table can have some variety?”  Issa mutters.

“But the meals are individualized.”  T’Challa asks in confusion.

“Well, if you don’t have a preference you should try the chicken marsala, that sounded good to me too.”

T’Challa closes his menu.  “So, if you have shrimp, and chicken marsala, what am I eating then?”

Issa looks up at the ceiling in dramatic thought.  “We haven’t seen the dessert menu yet.”

T’Challa chuckles, taking his glass up to Issa.  She mirrors him. “To dessert then. May it be sweet enough to lick the plate clean.”  He sips his wine looking at Issa with desire. Issa almost chokes on hers, sputtering and wiping her mouth dry.

“So, did you have a good talk with Nakia today?”  T’Challa asks looking back to his menu unphased.

Issa blinks a incredulously, unprepared to discuss his ex so soon.  “Diving right in huh? Well, yeah, it was good. She wants me to kind of talk with my folks about their methods around the kids and I invited her to go out with me.”

“Oh!  Is she stealing you from me now?”  T’Challa quips.

Issa looks sideways.  “I mean, she kinda pretty.  We’ll see after these drinks we bout to have Saturday night.”

T’Challa’s mouth hangs open before melting into a smile.  “I’m glad you are in good spirits considering.”

Issa sips from her glass.  “That she is your ex and you didn’t tell me ahead of time?  Yeah, I’m pretty fucking good.”

T’Challa calls over a waiter.  “It’s not like I wasn’t going to tell you, it’s just that I hadn’t gotten a chance to.  And I also didn’t expect it to have to be explained. I didn’t get into this program expecting to fall for one of the coordinators.”

“Well pick yourself back up.  This is going to stay as professional as possible out of respect.”

T’Challa shrugs.  “Then we will be going dutch on the meal, then?”

Issa cranks her neck back.  “Uh, don’t be rude. You invited me anyway, so that’s the rules.”

T’Challa squints at her.  “Wakanda is a bit different than America.  I might have to claim ignorance on that.”

They laugh as the waiter approaches.  “Welcome to Chez Magnifique. I’m L-”

“Lawrence?!”  Issa gasps.

“Yes, Lawrence.  She will have the shrimp and the chicken marsala.  We are sharing tonight.” T’Challa smiles at Issa but it swiftly drops when he reads her expression.  “What’s wrong?”

Part 8

Masterlist

RagTag

@hbicprettyprincess @theunsweetenedtruth

@kimianostalgia @airis-paris14

@afraiddreamingandloving

@chaneajoyyy

@myfavemarvelfanfics

@nys30

@blkintrovert

@allhailnjadaka @cutewylie @bidibidibombaclaat @muse-of-mbaku @wakanda-inspired @klaine15689

[delightinpetrichor]

My dreams tell me that something in my head is changing. I just haven’t figured out what that is yet. 

I’ve had dreams almost every night, for months on end at this point, of moving out of my parent’s house for good. It isn’t always the same dream, and it doesn’t always go the same way--sometimes I’m only packing, sometimes I should be gone already but there’s still too much to do--but it’s always that theme, that tone. I’ve stopped trying to fight them at this point. 

For years, I’ve been a lucid dreamer, although I would often joke that it was more in an anxiety/self-protection way than any fun way. It was the hyper-vigilant “this doesn’t make any sense” running throughout my fantasy dreams. It was never having real nightmares because even if things got scary, it was my mind and I knew what was going to happen, like it was a book that I’d already read through before. It was wanting a realistic dream to stay realistic, in ways that were baffling and hilarious in the morning light.

Last night, my two best friends and their partners and I went to see Neil Gaiman speak. This man has written hundreds of thousands of words that are read and listened to by millions of fans across the globe, yet still it felt like the three things he chose to read were specifically chosen for us. He read a short story about remembering an author that one of us reveres so much that she wrote her senior honor’s thesis on him. He read another hilarious story bursting to the brim with tongue-in-cheek references to Arthurian legend and all the oldest of stories, another friend laughing and gasping and catching every one, no matter how obscure. 

And he gave us all Instructions for how best to live within a story, should you happen to find yourself in one. And something in me that I can only begin to describe as old and hidden immediately rose up in me, and answered his voice. And when he was finished it had healed and disintegrated, leaving me with nothing more than a tear-soaked face and soft confusion. My heart and soul were a part of something healing within his words, and decided to leave my brain out of it.

Late last night, I woke up covered in sweat from my first true nightmare in ages. Scared witless not by some realistic scenario that might some day happen to me, but by a story world where memories were being stolen and nothing and nowhere felt truly safe. I was terrified enough to purposely get out of bed, to turn the lights on and remind myself that I was home, that I was safe, to fully wake before daring to go back to sleep. Even in my 5am panic, I recognized that this was not a place my brain has been able to access for years. 

Maybe something is healing. Maybe my brain is trying to tell me something, sending me the same message over and over and over and over again until I follow through on whatever it wants me to. Maybe I’ve just come far enough that my anxiety doesn’t have an ever-present grip on me, even when I sleep. Maybe it’s all or none of these things. 

I do not know. I only know that I’m willing to wait, and to keep going, in order to find out, rather than rummage and rip around in my brain in search of the answer. Which in and of itself says more than I realized until just now. 

And as the brilliant author himself said to us all last night: 

Do not lose hope — what you seek will be found.

Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped

to help you in their turn.

Trust dreams.

Trust your heart, and trust your story.

[ancient-depressed-druid]

Tj Kippen Is A Proud Pansexual

A Thesis:

Now, I’m not a pansexual myself, so I won’t comment about how I identify on the character traits that remind me of/ reflect my own sexuality and life experiences. We have seen so little of the character to argue about that and have a definitive answer. Keeping it in mind, I rather list the reasons why I feel like Tj should be written as Pansexual. Before I start, this is my opinion, feel free to give yours but be respectful.

1 - RECOGNITION OF A LESS REPRESENTATED FACTION OF THE LGBT+ COMMUNITY AND VALIDATION OF SAID GROUP:

 Most people don’t know what Pansexuality is, so imagine how much It would teach children/parents (because, let’s face it, most of us in tumblr are already deeply rooted inside the community) about LGBT+ people if a character, even if not a main one, would be to come out as pansexual. It would make it normal, serve to show it’s not an alien concept, nor should it be treated like one

 2 - VALIDATION OF PANSEXUALS AS PANSEXUALS:

 This could also apply to bisexuals if Jonah was to come out as one and dated a boy or a girl (obviously). It serves to show that a person’s sexuality does not depend on your partner. Tj dating Cyrus would show children attracted to two or more (or none) genders that it is okay to have different genders partners with different genders. Being with someone from the same gender does not make you gay, just not straight. Being with someone from the opposite sex does not erase your sexuality.

 3 - NON-BINARY &TRANS KIDS:

 With all that is happening at this moment, Trans and non-binary kids have zero to none prospect of being given basic human rights, even more a chance to be with someone in a relationship. Now, put yourselves in their place, watching Disney channel and suddenly being given the information that this young, rather successful, handsome and, sometimes, kind boy represents what could be your future significant other. Might sound little to some of you right now, but I assure you having a three-minute conversation in which Tj explains his sexuality and a little about, the difference between gender and genitalia could go extraordinary lengths.it also may make it relatively easier for a kid to accept themselves and a starting of conversations between a child and its parents.

 4 – CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT A: TJ

 A three-minute conversation between Tj and ANYONE (probably Cyrus, though) about his sexuality and him, being out and proud (though not loud) adds so much depth to the character:

He being supportive of other LGBT+ kids around school and helping them accept themselves

Him having a past of sexual awakening different from his classmates (14 years old do masturbate and there is nothing wrong with that).

The path of discovery, research and acceptance he walked just to be there.

Him not having that many friends finally being by some other than “he’s not that friendly” by him putting some distance between himself and the other boys in an attempt to not get hurt by panphobic people.

HIS HATRED OF BUFFY IN THE BEGINNING, she being a girl and clearly better than him making him feel afraid of bullying (“the girl plays better than the queer”) and lashing out in a way to keep buffy excluded and “prove his masculinity” in a way.

 5- CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT B: CYRUS

 Tj guiding Cyrus allows him to leave behind the comic relief persona and be active and self-loving. In addition, it gives the Cyrus plot intent, more than “gay kid finds gay kid and them not straight together”. IT BRINGS UP CONVERSATIONS. The difference between the Jandi and now Wuffy-Andi drama is that they don’t communicate like Tyrus, if one of them needs the other, they talk, if one of them misses the other, they talk, if one of them wants to talk, THEY TALK. Moreover, Cyrus could not bring up his sexual orientation most of the time out of fear of rejection, so imagine the conversation.

 6 – HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP:

 Cyrus and Tj being the gay/pan couple and still having one of the healthiest romantic interactions on the show (again, communication), repeatedly showing each other love, support, incentive and care will show other people relationships can work even if your partner has a different sexuality than yours.

 7 - BEREAKING STEREOTYPES (STRAIGHT JOCK AND FEMININE QUEER):

 First of all, not only pan people exist and can have healthy, loving relationships, they can have big roles in life, or smaller ones in school, for example of the captain of the boys’ basketball team. So jocks do not need to be straight.

Second, people can be as “masculine”/“feminine” as they feel like and sexuality is not a factor in it.

 8- A FLAWED CHARACTER:

 THIS ONE MAY GO AGAINST A LOT OF PEOPLE. I don’t really like how LGBT+ characters are mostly either portrayed as perfect sidekicks or as evil villains. Every character is human and humans have flaws. Tj, as a character, is great for representation because of his character development is remarkable. Though a certain sexuality gives one certain personal experiences, it is in no way an excuse to your actions or personality. It is also not a flaw, just to clarify, but it adds to the more vivid portrait of the character just as much as the flaws do.

It could show children it is okay to be like that, because the character’s humanization would bring him to a more acceptable view if it. He being that relatable instructs parents and children to think about their actions just as much. Moreover, it gives the idea you don’t have to be straight to be human.

 Now ill review some of your probable questions

1-That means he looked back at Buffy.

No. they are not romantically involved in any way and shouldn’t be. Tyrus on the other hand proved repeatedly their cannon romantic feelings.

2- Wouldn’t Cyrus know he’s out?

Not really, they don’t hang out with the same crowd and seem to avoid talking about their “stuff” before being ready. Not only that, but people tend to assume things (“you think you know someone”). I think Tj sees how uncomfortable Cyrus is in his own skin and does not bring the subject of relationships and crushes up in fear Cyrus will become sad and talk about his lack out romantic qualities and anxiety.

3- BUT WE NEVER SEE TJ INTERACT WITH A GIRL OTHER THAN ANDI/BUFFY

SO…?

4- BUT HE LIKES CYRUS.

HELL YEAH HE DOES!  Again, that does not erase pansexuality.

5- Disney would never do that.

I know and it makes me sad.

6- That is homophobic

With all my heart, I hope you change your mind and understand I am not here preaching Cyrus is straight or some bullshit, this is a valid headcannon until proven contrary. Feel free to disagree with my headcannon, but do not blasphemy it.

7- Its not cannon

This is tumblr 99, 9999999% of everything is not cannon.

[bigcupofcoffeeplease]

how do I use my bullet journal?

I’s been almost one month since I started bulletjournal. I basicly figured out that pre made planners and diaries don’t have enough space for me, since I need to write down everything, plus I like tracking some aspects of my life and bullet journalls seemed like a great way. And - let’s take it as a sign from above - around that time I started thinking about it I found one in Flying tiger. It was really affordable, dotted, with paper thick exactly how I like it.

One month might not be the longest period, but during this time I found out many things how to and how not to. Take this post just as an inspiration, because of course, what suits to me doesn’t have to suit to you.

Format

My journal is in A5 format and I totaly love it. enough space but still not any bigger than usual book or notebook. Big plus on my journal is, that it has a gum that can keep it closed so it doesn’t open in yout bag and damage sites. And it has a pocket, which is also pretty useful.

Tip: if your journal doesn’t have a pocket but you’d like to have one, glue an envelop on the inside side of your notebook’s cover. Bought or even self made, what about some colourfull paper?

Trackers, dailies, weeklies

And here comes the best part: the content is totally up to you. I personally keep it pretty simple, I don’t use month’s overview, just week’s, so there is a title site followed by weekly spreads. For each week I have two pages, the right side for all seven days and the other side for tracker of things I do once a week, like calling my mum and granny, or chores, the same for things I do twice a week like relaxing or cleaning our room, some space for ideas or tasks which cross my mind during the week and don’t have any specific date to be done until. Therse are often vocabulary lists I find out I need to revise, things I need to buy etc. A special space on this page belongs to my thesis. Here I write tasks that I must do or finnish. And the last space is ment for one positive thing for each day. Every day I try to come up with at least one thing, that came out well. Sometimes I decide in the beggining of the week that I’m, for instance, going to praise myself for something every day. But sometimes I just write down some good or nice thing. Even if it’s just the fackt that you met your favourite dog! (Btw. I met today a beautiful 16 years old dachshund lady! <3 )

After the whole month follows my language learning and anxiety/depression tracker (all in one), because I want to have a proof for myself that I have some job done every day and colourfull squares motivates me. On the last page is my curve of forgetting tracker, where I’m trying to monitore vocabulary learning in conection with the curve of forgetting. I log the topic of a vocabulary, the date I studyiedit and thanks to this I keep track on when I should revise which vocabulary.

As I said, I keep it pretty simple, but there are hunderts of options and ideas what to track. Loss weight, sparing money, spending money, sleep, meal...

Student friendly journal

as you can see above, I like thingsa simple, but I added few pages which helps me during semester. I already mentioned the language learning and curve of forgetting tracker. But I also added, on the very beggining of my journal place for my timetable, in form of those triangular things ment for placing photos in album, so I can replace it next semester with the new timetable. I also added one page for informations about every course I take, requirements, form of exam, e-mails etc, a semester overview with all four months of semester and lines for important deadlines. One page for my thesis where I’m going to track the amount of  already written characters and for every 5 000 characters I’m going to reward myself. And on the last page opening hours of our faculty library and library of my department and opening hours for study department.

All I want is you a system!

For week’s overviews I use my specific system to make whole this journal thing more effective. Every day is divided into four sections. I’ve tested this parted only few days now, but I already like it. The first one is for appointments, events or unusual changes, for instance if we change a room for some lesson. The other section is for taskt that have a priority. Third part is for aditional things like my own study activities, like language challenges here on tumblr etc.  The last and the smallest one is for reminders like that I want to write a post on this blog or such. I also use a colour code. blue highlighter for school tasks, deadlines, assigments. Orange is for thesis, purple for study thinghs I do just for myself, new vocabularies, extra revising etc. Pink for important things I can not miss and green for other, like chores, calling to my mum, printing materials etc.Exept my bullet journal as a planner, I also have a separate journals for each language I learn, Lithunian and Fiunnish. About these I’ll tell you next time.

What kind of planner do you yous?

[t1dlikeme]

Sofie's Story

“When you recognize that failing doesn’t make you a failure, you give yourself permission to try all sorts of things.” ~ Lauren Fleshman, is one of my favorite quotes, and something to remind myself in terms of diabetes management, training, and life! 

Diagnosis 

As a shy high school multi-sport athlete (track, soccer, and skiing) in Albuquerque, NM, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at age 16. I went from 2nd in state in the 800 my Sophomore year, to struggling to staying awake in class as a 4.0 student and barely making it through practices and workouts. With no history or knowledge of T1D in my family, we didn’t recognize the symptoms—I had a head-to-toe rash after swimming in waterfalls in Hawaii (may have triggered it) followed by months of losing weight despite eating jars of peanut butter and food each week just to keep energy—which my doctor at first thought “she’s a growing athlete” but we got bloodwork anyways. A week later, after yet another frustrating track meet, I was in the hospital with a blood sugar of 586, and was pumped to finally figure it out (until about 3 hours later when I remember eating a pear and seeing my blood sugar skyrocket, I burst into tears realizing how much of a change it would be!) 

Fast Forward…A Few Years 

After basically wanting to forget about high school (hiding in the bathroom to take shots, self-conscious and developed anxiety about weight gain post-diagnosis and just wanting to fit in), I needed something different. Although being a perfectionist and being shy / hiding from others gave me time to master my A1C early, it wasn’t sustainable and I internalized it all—until I got to college. 2000 miles from home, I chose Marquette 1) for the biomedical engineering program, and 2) for receiving a D1 Soccer Scholarship as a goalkeeper, but what I didn’t realize, is it would teach me to open up about my diagnosis and become a better athlete and advocate. I confided in my athletic trainer, who helped me with check-ins during practice (which could sometimes go 1-2 hours over the scheduled time!), and realizing we needed about ½ cup of gatorade + water every hour, supplemented with pedialyte during preseason. It was nice having my trainer, since I could get around going straight to the coaches (at first I didn’t want it to be seen as a weakness!) and she could carry around my gear for me, if needed.  

While goalkeeping allowed for easier access to management during games, practices, etc. I continued to find myself gravitating towards running, strength, and conditioning. My senior year, I began to go for runs while we were on away trips and started to become hooked—I found new ways to manage my BG’s and low intensity running basically was ‘insulin in my back pocket.! After finishing my collegiate soccer career, I joined the ‘Run with the President’ running group at Marquette with Dr. Michael Lovell (our MU President). It was around this time that another faculty member, John Klika, took me to coffee and was fascinated by my thesis research of designing a lifestyle computer algorithm and model to predict glucose and hormonal levels based on activity, stress, diet, etc. It turns out he was Type 1 himself—and a multi-ironman athlete.  

With a newfound confidence and support group, I gradually built my mileage and learned so many things from John about management, who also joined the running group and convinced me to run my first half marathon. It went really well—until, the group said next step: “the marathon.” I was like absolutely no way, I came from sprints up and down the field and have Type 1 Diabetes—I'm not sure I’m ready for that!  But, I’m not one to step down from the challenge, and I had the group helping me through the whole way. I remember my first 18-miler—5 miles from the end, I couldn’t run more than 5 steps as I couldn’t keep my blood sugar up, even with having the proper supplies, and I was just defeated. My body wasn’t used to this, having to rely primarily on glucose as fuel, instead of an intensity and fuel mix. But, I kept going—my track workouts got faster, and my next long run, 20 miles, no stopping! (It’s also important to note that I was also doing some triathlon training too, which helped keep a balance).  

I was ready and excited. Dexcom in my shorts pocket, 3 gels and gummy bears (of course), and friends cheering every step of the way! It couldn’t have been more perfect—flat line BG’s, fuel every 45 min to steady, the adrenaline rush at the 22-mile mark (the furthest I’d ever run in my life!), all propelling me to a 3rd place finish in 2:52. That was one of the best beers, post-race, I’d ever had in my life. This finish created numerous opportunities for me, including becoming a founding member of Diabetes Sports Project, JDRF Keynote talks, and more training—I wanted to try and qualify for Olympic Marathon Trials (2:45).  Unfortunately, along with these positives, came a very long string (~2-3 years) of off and on injuries—I walked 13 miles of the Boston Marathon in 2017 with a tibial stress fracture, the first of a few, and just could not catch a break. These times had a lot of lows, but taught me the resilience of having other outlets, support communities, and managing my diabetes without the ability to exercise all the time (I had started to rely on this as a form of natural ‘insulin’ all through college and into running).  

Looking back, these years of ups-and-downs were crucial to my development of outreach and community, my career, and finding the right balance of strength and running to stay healthy (turns out, soccer weight training had a lot to do with my injury free 25 years of my life!). I like to call this time falling not failing, something my therapist came up with (yes, I was seeing one, for anxiety and some low grade depression, which is something I will talk about now, since I think it is incredibly important that if you have any of these feelings, especially as a T1D, you are not alone!).  I took a job as a medical device engineer at Dexcom and moved to San Diego, CA, acting as a liaison between clinical, regulatory, quality, design and systems engineers, which was the perfect place for me as a T1D! I started the Dexcom Running Club, and from that, have some of the fondest memories. San Diego is also where I joined Prado Racing Team (PRT), and found my coach, Paul Wellman, who I still work with today.  PRT helped me find the love of running again, and I PR’d in every distance while training with them, and having a lot of fun doing so!  

My time in San Diego culminated with making an attempt at running an Olympic Trials qualifying time at CIM 2019, which I just missed in 2:49. It was such an incredible experience, however, even with missing my goal—3-minute PR, running with teammates, HEALTHY and injury-free for an entire training period, and friendships. I did have a diabetes learning experience, though, which I will take forward with future races—not all nuun is ‘carb-free’! It was on the course, and I assumed it was the zero-carbs flavor, so I took it at almost every aide station, causing me to sharply rise at about Mile 11 (especially coupled with adrenaline), which unfortunately caused some cramping around Mile 15 and slowed me off my 2:43 pace. Luckily, I was able to power through, and I will be more prepared next time.  

Current:  

I have recently moved back to Albuquerque, NM, where I grew up.  After looking for an opportunity to grow my career and move into management, this was the right move for me, and is now allowing me to explore altitude training and new heights, literally and figuratively! My family is still here, and with COVID, it has been nice to be close (and living with my boyfriend, Steve). While I am not training for any races in particular, I’m making attempts at a sub 5:00 mile (currently at 5:05 at altitude) as a ‘mini’ goal, and just trying to enjoy the simplicities of running! I am getting back into the volunteering scene, particularly with my non-profit, Diabetes Sports Project, and of course, JDRF.  

Some Tips, Tricks, and Life Lessons! 

Always be prepared—gummy bears in my sports bra are my favorite! I’ve learned many lessons along the way, including one of my first solo long run experiences with a low blood sugar and having to ask gas stations for a Gatorade that I would come back and pay for later (not my finest moment, but turns out, people can be very helpful!). Always carry a card or cash and know your numbers. Plus, some great times of having snacks on hand: my running buddies favorite line is “Hey Sof! How’s your BG?” “Great!! Why?” “Can I have some of your snacks….).” They need it too, and are thankful for it when they bonk! 

Train with people who know you at your best and at your worst, and your symptoms—those are the ones that can push you through tough workouts to the end when you don’t think you can run one more rep or mile, or can more importantly, tell you when you need a break and to take a step back. It’s often trial and error in knowing what intensities affect your blood sugar the most, but with a community, you can’t fail—you learn. As unpredictable as it is sometimes, Type 1 actually can give you an athletic edge. You have to know what your blood sugar is at all times, and how your body is feeling. No one else has to do that! 

Sofie Schunk

[theadmiringbog]

*wakes up and looks at phone* ah let’s see what fresh horrors await me on the fresh horrors device 

–@MISSOKISTIC IN A TWEET ON NOVEMBER 10, 2016

--

A more recent project that acts in a similar spirit is Scott Polach’s Applause Encouraged, which happened at Cabrillo National Monument in San Diego in 2015. On a cliff overlooking the sea, forty-five minutes before the sunset, a greeter checked guests in to an area of foldout seats formally cordoned off with red rope. They were ushered to their seats and reminded not to take photos. They watched the sunset, and when it finished, they applauded. Refreshments were served afterward. 

—                 

Bird-watching is the opposite of looking something up online.                 

--

They write: If you can have your time and work and live and be a person, then the question you’re faced with every day isn’t, Do I really have to go to work today? but, How do I contribute to this thing called life? What can I do today to benefit my family, my company, myself? 

To me, “company” doesn’t belong in that sentence. Even if you love your job! Unless there’s something specifically about you or your job that requires it, there is nothing to be admired about being constantly connected, constantly potentially productive the second you open your eyes in the morning—and in my opinion, no one should accept this, not now, not ever.                 

--

Audre Lorde meant it in the 1980s, when she said that “[c]aring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”                

--

As Gabrielle Moss, author of Glop: Nontoxic, Expensive Ideas That Will Make You Look Ridiculous and Feel Pretentious (a book parodying goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s high-priced wellness empire), put it: self-care “is poised to be wrenched away from activists and turned into an excuse to buy an expensive bath oil.”                

--

Thinking about sensitivity reminds me of a monthlong artist residency I once attended with two other artists in an extremely remote location in the Sierra Nevada. There wasn’t much to do at night, so one of the artists and I would sometimes sit on the roof and watch the sunset. She was Catholic and from the Midwest; I’m sort of the quintessential California atheist. I have really fond memories of the languid, meandering conversations we had up there about science and religion. And what strikes me is that neither of us ever convinced the other—that wasn’t the point—but we listened to each other, and we did each come away different, with a more nuanced understanding of the other person’s position.                

--

The life force is concerned with cyclicality, care, and regeneration; the death force sounds to me a lot like “disrupt.” Obviously, some amount of both is necessary, but one is routinely valorized, not to mention masculinized, while the other goes unrecognized because it has no part in “progress.”                

--

Certain people would like to use technology to live longer, or forever. Ironically, this desire perfectly illustrates the death drive at play in the “Manifesto of Maintenance Art” (“separation, individuality, Avant-Garde par excellence; to follow one’s own path—do your own thing; dynamic change”)30. To such people I humbly propose a far more parsimonious way to live forever: to exit the trajectory of productive time, so that a single moment might open almost to infinity. As John Muir once said, “Longest is the life that contains the largest amount of time-effacing enjoyment.”               

--

Poswolsky writes of their initial discovery: “I think we also found the answer to the universe, which was, quite simply: just spend more time with your friends.”                

--

... he said, with an epiphany he had while accompanying a fellow clergyman on a trip to Louisville: 

In Louisville, at the corner of Fourth and Walnut, in the center of the shopping district, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the realization that I loved all these people, that they were mine and I theirs, that we could not be alien to one another even though we were total strangers. It was like waking from a dream of separateness, of spurious self-isolation in a special world, the world of renunciation and supposed holiness.       

--

My most-liked Facebook post of all time was an anti-Trump screed. In my opinion, this kind of hyper-accelerated expression on social media is not exactly helpful (not to mention the huge amount of value it produces for Facebook). It’s not a form of communication driven by reflection and reason, but rather a reaction driven by fear and anger. 

Obviously these feelings are warranted, but their expression on social media so often feels like firecrackers setting off other firecrackers in a very small room that soon gets filled with smoke.                

--

Our aimless and desperate expressions on these platforms don’t do much for us, but they are hugely lucrative for advertisers and social media companies, since what drives the machine is not the content of information but the rate of engagement. Meanwhile, media companies continue churning out deliberately incendiary takes, and we’re so quickly outraged by their headlines that we can’t even consider the option of not reading and sharing them.                

--

To stand apart is to take the view of the outsider without leaving, always oriented toward what it is you would have left. It means not fleeing your enemy, but knowing your enemy, which turns out not to be the world—contemptus mundi—but the channels through which you encounter it day to day. It also means giving yourself the critical break that media cycles and narratives will not, allowing yourself to believe in another world while living in this one.                

--

Standing apart represents the moment in which the desperate desire to leave (forever!) matures into a commitment to live in permanent refusal, where one already is, and to meet others in the common space of that refusal. This kind of resistance still manifests as participating, but participating in the “wrong way”: a way that undermines the authority of the hegemonic game and creates possibilities outside of it.                

--

A crowded sidewalk is a good example: everyone is expected to continue moving forward. Tom Green poked at this convention when he performed “the Dead Guy,” on his Canadian public access TV show in the 1990s. Slowing his walk to a halt, he carefully lowered himself to the ground and lay facedown and stick-straight for an uncomfortable period of time. After quite a crowd had amassed, he got up, looked around, and nonchalantly walked away.                

--

So to a question like “Will you or will you not participate as asked?” Diogenes would have answered something else entirely: “I will participate, but not as asked,” or, “I will stay, but I will be your gadfly.” This answer (or non-answer) is something I think of as producing what I’ll call a “third space”—an almost magical exit to another frame of reference. For someone who cannot otherwise live with the terms of her society, the third space can provide an important if unexpected harbor.                

--

Herman Melville’s short story, “Bartleby, the Scrivener.” Bartleby, the clerk famous for repeating the phrase, “I would prefer not to,” uses a linguistic strategy to invalidate the requests of his boss. Not only does he not comply; he refuses the terms of the question itself.                

--

Facebook abstention, like telling someone you grew up in a house with no TV, can all too easily appear to be taste or class related.                

--

We need to be able to think across different time scales when the mediascape would have us think in twenty-four-hour (or shorter) cycles, to pause for consideration when clickbait would have us click, to risk unpopularity by searching for context when our Facebook feed is an outpouring of unchecked outrage and scapegoating, to closely study the ways that media and advertising play upon our emotions, to understand the algorithmic versions of ourselves that such forces have learned to manipulate, and to know when we are being guilted, threatened, and gaslighted into reactions that come not from will and reflection but from fear and anxiety.                

--

“In short, when the inattention stimulus falls outside the area to which attention is paid, it is much less likely to capture attention and be seen,” the researchers write. That’s intuitive enough, but it gets more complicated. If the briefly flashing stimulus was outside the area of visual attention, but was something distinct like a smiley face or the person’s name, the subject would notice it after all.                

--

As an artist interested in using art to influence and widen attention, I couldn’t help extrapolating the implications from visual attention to attention at large.                

--

In a post about ad blockers on the University of Oxford’s “Practical Ethics” blog, the technology ethicist James Williams (of Time Well Spent) lays out the stakes: We experience the externalities of the attention economy in little drips, so we tend to describe them with words of mild bemusement like “annoying” or “distracting.” But this is a grave misreading of their nature. In the short term, distractions can keep us from doing the things we want to do. In the longer term, however, they can accumulate and keep us from living the lives we want to live, or, even worse, undermine our capacities for reflection and self-regulation, making it harder, in the words of Harry Frankfurt, to “want what we want to want.” Thus there are deep ethical implications lurking here for freedom, wellbeing, and even the integrity of the self.

--

In an effort to make the user aware of persuasive design, Nudget used overlays to call out and describe several of the persuasive design elements in the Facebook interface as the user encountered them. But the thesis is also useful simply as a catalog of the many forms of persuasive design—the kinds that behavioral scientists have been studying in advertising since the mid-twentieth century.                

--

Vivrekar lists the strategies identified by researchers Marwell and Schmitt in 1967: “reward, punishment, positive expertise, negative expertise, liking/ingratiation, gifting/pre-giving, debt, aversive stimulation, moral appeal, positive self-feeling, negative self-feeling, positive altercasting, negative altercasting, positive esteem of others, and negative esteem of others.” 

Vivrekar herself has study participants identify instances of persuasive design on the LinkedIn site and compiles a staggering list of 171 persuasive design techniques.                

--

“knowing your enemy” when it comes to the attention economy. For example, one could draw parallels between the Nudget system, which teaches users to see the ways in which they are being persuaded, and the Prejudice Lab, which shows participants how bias guides their behavior.                

--

Or that the woman in front of you in line who just screamed at you is maybe not usually like this; maybe she’s going through a rough time. Whether this is actually true isn’t the point. Just considering the possibility makes room for the lived realities of other people, whose depths are the same as your own. This is a marked departure from the self-centered “default setting,”                

--

Last week, after a meeting, I took the F streetcar from Civic Center to the Ferry Building in San Francisco. It’s a notoriously slow, crowded, and halting route, especially in the middle of the day. This pace, added to my window seat, gave me a chance to look at the many faces of the people on Market Street with the same alienation as the slow scroll of Hockney’s Yorkshire Landscapes. Once I accepted the fact that each face I looked at (and I tried to look at each of them) was associated with an entire life—of birth, of childhood, of dreams and disappointments, of a universe of anxieties, hopes, grudges, and regrets totally distinct from mine—this slow scene became almost impossibly absorbing. As Hockney said: “There’s a lot to look at.” Even though I’ve lived in a city most of my adult life, in that moment I was floored by the density of life experience folded into a single city street.                

--

When the language of advertising and personal branding enjoins you to “be yourself,” what it really means is “be more yourself,” where “yourself” is a consistent and recognizable pattern of habits, desires, and drives that can be more easily advertised to and appropriated, like units of capital.                

--

In fact, I don’t know what a personal brand is other than a reliable, unchanging pattern of snap judgments: “I like this” and “I don’t like this,” with little room for ambiguity or contradiction.                

--

The fact that commenting on the weather is a cliché of small talk is actually a profound reminder of this, since the weather is one of the only things we each know any other person must pay attention to.                

--

(“bland enough to offend no one”)                

--

The professional social media star, a person reverse-engineered from a formula of what is most palatable to everyone all the time.                

--

Everybody says that there is no censorship on the internet, or at least only in part. But that is not true. Online censorship is applied through the excess of banal content that distracts people from serious or collective issues.                

--

Our interactions become data collected by a company, and engagement goals are driven by advertising.                

--

Mastodon... They allow more granular control of one’s intended audience; when you post to Mastodon, you can have the content’s visibility restricted to a single person, your followers, or your instance—or it can be public.                

--

... forming any idea requires a combination of privacy and sharing. But this restraint is difficult when it comes to commercial social media, whose persuasive design collapses context within our very thought processes themselves by assuming we should share our thoughts right now—indeed, that we have an obligation to form our thoughts in public!                

--

A counterexample would be the sparse UX of Patchwork, a social networking platform that runs on Scuttlebutt. Scuttlebutt is a sort of global mesh network that can go without servers, ISPs, or even Internet connection (if you have a USB stick handy). It can do that because it relies on individual users’ computers as the servers, similar to local mesh networks, and because your “account” on a Scuttlebutt-powered social media platform is simply an encrypted block of data that you keep on your computer.                

--

In #NeverAgain, David Hogg writes that “[a]nger will get you started but it won’t keep you going.”                

--

Before long, the conference would be over, and I would have missed most of it. A lot of things would have happened there that are important and useful. For my part, I wouldn’t have much to show for my “time well spent”—no pithy lines to tweet, no new connections, no new followers. I might only tell one or two other people about my observations and the things I learned. Otherwise, I’d simply store them away, like seeds that might grow some other day if I’m lucky.                

--

Seen from the point of view of forward-pressing, productive time, this behavior would appear delinquent. I’d look like a dropout. But from the point of view of the place, I’d look like someone who was finally paying it attention. And from the point of view of myself, the person actually experiencing my life, and to whom I will ultimately answer when I die—I would know that I spent that day on Earth.                

--

“I would prefer not to.”

[edenrelente]

Life Lesson 260

I cried during Midterms

[Hi dear! I am Eden Geanette Relente, a graduating student of AUP. This account was created two years ago to be my journal only. However, your positive response in my post, Life Lesson 246 about singleness is actually unexpected and it inspired me to share my thoughts on my Facebook once more. Keywords content for this blog: Midterms. Stress. ADC worship theme – Hard work and Self Discipline. Graduating. #JournalOnMyRemainingDaysInAUP]

* Three examinations this week.

* Survey Questionnaires to be translated.

* Central Student Council filing of reports.

* RGO Review.

These may seem a few but heavy for me. I want to do my best with all of these tasks but I felt inadequate again. Yes, Ms. President cried. Hahaha. But God of all comfort keeps watch over my weeping. Not one sparrow falls to the ground apart from God’s notice (Matthew 10:29), and neither does one of my tears. He gathers up all my tears and puts them in his bottle (Psalm 56:8). Like a mother sitting beside her child’s sickbed, God marks every sigh of discomfort and pain. No matter how much of my anguish has gone unnoticed by others, not one moment has escaped the attention of the God who neither slumbers nor sleeps (Psalm 121:4). As God says to King Hezekiah, so he could say to each of his children, “I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears” (2 Kings 20:5). Many of us feel ashamed of our tears, especially if others see them. In a culture that prizes strength and grows uncomfortable with prolonged grieving, many of us respond to our own tears with a hasty wipe of the sleeve and a quick “Get over it.” Not so with God, whose fatherly compassion compels him to draw near to the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). The God who said, “Blessed are you who weep now” (Luke 6:21) will not reproach you for the tears you shed as you walk through the ruins of our broken world.

Last Tuesday when I was eating at the cafeteria, Ate Tin from Dama de Noche approached me to be the speaker and the topic will be Self-Discipline and Hard Work. Amidst the stressors I had and with this opportunity to share, I had a chance to sit down and contemplate on self-discipline and hard work. Now, do you know someone who plays well with their instruments? At the age of 30s or 20s they become an expert of playing it. But such mastery did not come easily or cheaply. For some, if other children are playing and participating sports, this friend of yours spent hours a day practicing his/her instrument. The result of that self-disciplined commitment is proficiency on his/her instrument.

Biblically, self-discipline may be summarized in one word; obedience. And I am truly grateful for my parents, mentors, advisers, professors, and others who helped me develop self-discipline. Since I am the eldest of the family, I am expected to be responsible all the time. My father is a strict one and I am afraid to fail him. Here are the things I learned since childhood:

a. Train yourself even in small things

b. Get yourself organize

c. Be productive and don’t waste time. Time Management Anak!

d. Plan!

e. Be on time.

Just like everyone, I become tired as well. I haven’t balanced everything. I failed one subject even I worked hard. What’s the use of working hard? Then I rebelled to God; online forever, ate unhealthy food, watched and listened to worldy things, no more self-discipline at all. But reality slapped me. I only worked hard to please others. After failing I learned to:

1. Work hard to please God!

Colossians 3:23 tells us "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men." Working to please the audience of One is a better idea than working to please as many people as you can. It is only for God that we were created and Him only do we serve. Now, why am I doing my thesis now? Why am waking up early and study? Is it to glorify myself and be appreciated by others or because of Jesus?

2. Study in preparation for the future service

I should pass not only to get high grades but to qualify myself to be of help to others in the future. I should study now because in the future there will be me and my patient only. I need to do my best now!

3. Hard work is always rewarded by God

God does not let hard work that is done for Him go unnoticed. I need to be patient. God is always just to reward us for hard work. Hebrews 6:10 tells us, "For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for his name in serving the saints, as you still do."

4. It is God who gives us the ability to work hard

Work comes to us only through the grace of God. It is He who entrusts work to us and graciously provides everything so that we can always give our best in everything that we do. God doesn't need our hard work to be happy. In fact, He gives us the opportunity to work hard because it actually does us better than it does for Him.

Let us prioritize things this time, finish what we started, accept correction because it helps us develop self-discipline and it should not be rejected, but accepted gladly. Solomon wrote "Listen to counsel and accept discipline, that you may be wise the rest of your days" (Proverbs 19:20); and "He whose ear listens to the life giving reproof will dwell among the wise. He who neglects discipline despises himself, but he who listens to reproof acquires understanding" (Proverbs 15:31-32). Practice self-denial and welcome responsibilities.

Three examinations this week, data for thesis to be submitted as well, Central Student Council filing of reports, RGO Review, and more to come! I was reminded to work hard, pray harder, and never give up.

God will turn this valley of tears into a city of everlasting joy.

We sometimes live on a treadmill of pressure and fear in our studies. Worry, anxiety, and anger are stealing our joy. But do not quit. Walk with Him!