#sometimes I can't believe that I made it myself
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
If you dial 1-866-584-6757, you can leave an audio post for your followers.
Text
it's me and my fav skirt against the world
#sometimes I can't believe that I made it myself#with how nice it looks and all#but I guess that makes it all the more special :3#mine#goth#crafts#diy skirt#handmade#punk#patches
156 notes
·
View notes
Text
series of meals
#started looking through my food pics folder and was so impressed with them. you get to see them too#a LOT of these are congee hahahaha but we've also got some soups and noodles and eggs#photo record#food tag#YES i made all of this stuff. can't believe i have to have a JOB and i can't just MAKE BEAUTIFUL MEALS#i miss being unemployed.#god bless my kitchen and its huge windows and beautiful natural lighting#i have lots of other delicious foods with less beautiful images that didn't make the cut#i miss those big wide shallow bowls a lot i gotta buy myself a set sometime. they were my roommate's who moved out#i had some other stuff in here but took it out since everything else was bowls basically so they looked incongruous
77 notes
·
View notes
Text
i haven't actually played sims in almost 2 years
#i'm not even a simblr at this point#i'm just an OC blog that happens to use sims as a medium#no i can't even say that#i use blender as a medium. my characters just happen to have been made using sims#& even then they are heavily modified in blender. they do not look right in game#i would model them myself from scratch if i thought i could#sometimes i do miss my old gameplay family but#i do not miss playing the game#i'm gonna try to make something today. idk what. but i need to make something or i will lose it#having one of those nothing i make is good or right moments yk#rainyrambles#ETA: i finished ATLA last night & i'm#oooooooooh the thoughts are so many#it was so good. can't believe it took me so long to watch it all the way through!!!#excited to watch tlok next#if you follow my personal i am sorry
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
just realized my fatal flaw and the great struggle of possibly the rest of my life. while watching a cdrama.
#a sock speaks#local construction#fundamentally I lack the confidence needed to be a writer or a teacher#on the one hand I can't brazen my way out of this by pretending to be confident. I need to actually have the knowledge and skills I claim.#on the other hand I can't just say I'll be confident once I have more knowledge and experience. I have a master's degree!#I want to get more school but more school on its own will not fix this#I've let opportunities pass by because I was depressed. I didn't see how I could be enough for them.#or I was too tired (because I was depressed)#but sometimes it's bc I'm not sure if trying would make things better or worse (that one's on the OCD more than depression)#it makes sense that I lack confidence because of inexperience. but I can only gain experience by going for it. doing things badly is good.#it makes sense that I'm scared to face criticism. I've faced my whole community against me.#I've been stuck at someone's house debating scripture for hours with a migraine and no food. I think that was mildly traumatic for me.#but in most cases I am physically safe and the physical fear is irrational. I can work on this with some gentle exposure therapy.#but I need to bring together the effort to organize my thoughts and the bravado to hold my ground in an argument#and I can only build up this confidence with practice. I need to write. I need to do public speaking.#I'd need a platform for speaking (I'd hate to do a podcast or vlog but it'd be good for me)#but I should write! why am I not writing more? I need to write. writing is the way forward#several years ago I was in such deep despair with life that in order to survive I told myself#that I just had to survive. I didn't have to achieve anything or prove myself in any way as long as I stayed alive#and I went to grad school in Georgia not because I saw a path to a career in biblical studies but because school made me want to be alive#(extremely bizarre case of grad school not being the problem. I know.)#I know I missed a lot of benefits I could've had if I'd been mentally healthy when I went. but it's okay because it kept me going#I can go back to school or not go back. do biblical studies or do something else. I don't have big expectations for myself#but as my mental health improves it occurs to me that I COULD do more if only I believed it was worth the effort#I don't need to fear failure when the alternative was not even attempting it#I need to write. I need to write. I need to write.#I'm thinking I might start a newsletter or blog or something. some Bible stuff and some church/social commentary. just kind of open ended.
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
In today's episode of 'Sae, do you (...)': the topic of Ningguang and Yelan, and I thought that I should note my opinion more clearly outside of my rules as it's very important information for my portrayal: I do not ship Ningguang and Yelan romantically.
Honestly, while this is of course my own opinion, I don't find that there's anything to really substantiate a romantic interest between the two. For starters, I don't think that Ning, as interesting of a character as she is with a past that might just be similar in its 'rise' to Yelan's (we're left with very little information on the latter's childhood), ticks the right kind of boxes for her, though to be fair: not many do. Yelan craves a specific sort of thrill in her life, I mean she lives it at the roll of a dice because she is, on some level, bored, and craves the unexpected, the unusual, the 'surprise', and Ningguang's life nor personality seem to play into that. Beyond it, Yelan would need a kinship within this very specific 'loneliness' that I talk about too often and I think that Ning is not one who quite meshes into that in the right way.
Second, despite their long-standing history that even predates their mutual involvement with the Qixing, there seems to be a certain professional distance between the two that I'm quite fond of that is shown in brief event cutscenes, and also Yelan's vision story, that I find inherently intriguing. Perhaps this distance plays more into Yelan's character of not investing too heavily, or rather not too easily, into social dynamics than it does Ning's (I'm not one to weigh in on her character), but it seems evident to me that there's also that semblance of professionalism that creates a line that takes away the possibility of growing closer on an emotional level. And whether that's a mutual decision or not is not up to me to judge, but I think it's one that's made rather clearly from Yelan's side. On top of that, Yelan is Yelan and it's my personal belief that shipping her is rather difficult.
Now I'm also inherently of the opinion (unpopular, I know, I apologize) that dynamics aren't always more interesting when written in romantic settings, and I don't think it's a benefit for all of them to veer into a romantic nature. And in my opinion (and most importantly: in my depiction and understanding of Yelan's character), I think that having Ning and Yelan cross the line from professionalism into something inherently more rooted in romanticism, would be a detriment to their dynamic. Because honestly, I think the fact that Ningguang being one of two people (other being Uncle Tian) to know Yelan best, without ever crossing that line, is too good. I would simply, well, just prefer to keep that not only platonic, but professional, but of course not excluding it of Yelan's quips, and the occasional 'confidant' element.
/rambles in tags because I feel like I have more to say that I shouldn't flood the post with.
#[ psa. ] seeing isn't always believing. and if you can't trust your eyes; you certainly can't trust rumors.#[ also; and this is where you'll learn more about my 'single-ship' self-- i love the concept of ningguang and beidou. ]#[ and i wouldn't want to take away from that dynamic /in my own head/. it's not about what others do/see/view. but about my own head. ]#[ if i did ship it-- it'd counter that dynamic and i don't like that (again: in my own brain). ]#[ i'm an odd rper in that sense; but i almost have difficulty straying from this... single verse concept. ]#[ in my head i tie specific characters to other specific characters after a lot of thought and i don't commit to those thoughts easily. ]#[ but then i construct this entire huge narrative in my head that's almost like its own book. ]#[ and so i can't easily 'copy' that multiple times for multiple ships. does that make sense? ]#[ but /because/ i do that-- i heavily scrutinize dynamics across the board and it's where a lot of my enjoyment as a writer comes from. ]#[ these analyses of specific characters and dynamics. why are they the way that they are? ]#[ it's psychology. i love it. it's not just saying 'i love finding out what makes characters tick' but it's actively really going... ]#[ 'yeah okay i could ship these-- but is there basis for it and /why/ and /in what capacity/ and specifically: /would they decide to/? ]#[ sometimes i tell myself that i'm not made for rp'ing because i'm too analytical meshed in with too much emotion. ]#[ because i get too invested. ]#[ but i just-- i don't know. i wanted to kind of explain why pointing stuff like this out is important to me and my portrayal. ]#[ especially for yelan who has such a... god; it's almost an unhealthy headspace. you can't mesh that with just anyone. ]#[ the person has to /really get it/ and understand it almost on this level that isn't logical for most humans. because it's unusual. ]#[ but it's important that it's understood /by another human being/. ]#[ and i also think some people genuinely don't mesh in /that/ way. some can mesh perfectly platonically in my head and then... ]#[ not at all romantically. but when /my head/ has decided that this is how it is-- i respect when people disagree; i do. ]#[ i will never say that my opinions are the be all end all for other yelans or even yelan's character in specific. ]#[ as much as i like to think i analyze-- /i could be wrong/. ]#[ but all in all; i do respect if people disagree. but there's just certain opinions i have for my own portrayal that i need to note. ]#[ but also-- a little explanation as to why i'm single-ship more often than not. i wish i could budge how my brain works. but alas. ]#[ /sips coffee past midnight. ]#[ it's been a day. it really has been a day; i need to make my own serotonin tomorrow. i miss writing. ]
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
Fics I Enjoyed September-October
10 fics total. Includes fics from the following fandoms: Black Sails, Harry Potter
Away Childish Things by lettered/@letteredlettered Harry Potter | Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy | 154k | Teen & Up
Harry gets de-aged. Malfoy has to help him.
Elective Affinities by Caecelia Harry Potter | Harry Potter/Severus Snape | 86k (WIP) | Mature
It's 1976, and a strange new transfer student is about to turn Severus Snape's life on its head . . .
What We Pretend We Cannot See by gyzym/@gyzym Harry Potter | Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy | 131k | Mature
Seven years out from the war, Harry learns the hard truth of old history: it’s never quite as far behind you as you thought.
where there's a will by aloneintherain/@captainkirkk Harry Potter | Gen | 8k | Teen & Up
Harry writes the first draft of his will when he’s fourteen.
Princes of the New World by x_etoile_x/@etoilesombre Black Sails | James Flint/John Silver | 38k | Explicit
“This is your plan?” Flint sneers, looking at Silver like he’d expected no better. “Hiding below decks like a rat?” “Now Captain, that’s unkind,” Silver pouts, trying to hide his hurt behind teasing reproach. All day he has tried to match Flint, to fight alongside him though he is ill-suited to it, and it has earned him nothing but disdain. Now it’s time to do things his way for a while. “Like a stowaway, at least.” After they have taken the warship and been cast out of the crew, Flint and Silver are forced to contend with each other and the nature of their relationship.
Far From the Tree by aideomai Harry Potter | Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy | 112k | Explicit
The arrival of Harry Potter’s children—snapped back in time, the children themselves guessed, twenty or so years—was the most interesting thing to happen at Hogwarts for years.
Eager for the Sky by oknowkiss/@oknowkiss Harry Potter | Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy | 35k | Mature
It was announced, just as the Triwizard Tournament had been, at the start of term feast. A year-long, international Quidditch varsity match — the inaugural Wizarding Academy Cup. In which Harry is Hogwarts' star Seeker, Draco is on the bench, and they both have a thing or two to learn about playing for the same team.
Like Lightning at Your Fingertips by potterwatch Harry Potter | Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy | 43k | Teen & Up
The problem with living with another insomniac is, eventually, they find out you’re one, too. When Harry and Draco return for their eighth year, they think they’ll see very little of each other. Then McGonagall assigns them to room together. And the castle starts breaking. And there’s that thing with Potter’s magic.
Three's Family by darkbluedark Harry Potter | James Potter/Lily Evans | 19k | Teen & Up
It’s May 1979 and the Order has just apprehended a pair of mysterious wizards who look remarkably like a Potter and a Malfoy. Naturally, James Potter and Sirius Black are called in to identify the strangely familiar strangers and determine their backgrounds and loyalties. (This would be a lot easier if their captives weren’t convinced everyone they talk to is dead. It would also be easier if they didn’t spend half their bloody time bickering.)
The Bolthole by aideomai and Tepre/@tepre Harry Potter | Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy | 54k | Explicit
Harry is a hoarder, Draco is grief-stricken, and both are capable human adults who can definitely spend a month in a cottage in the Cotswolds together without ever talking about the time they slept together in eighth year. Yeah, no, totally.
#fic recs#fanfiction#harry potter#black sails#guys Away Childish Things What We Pretend We Cannot See and Far From the Tree ANNIHILATED ME#i was dead gone d e c e a s e d#finished those fics and just. did not know what to do with myself i was (am) a broken woman#Eager for the Sky made me laugh so hard was literally cackling in the subway as strangers side-eyed me#can't believe in the month of october that i joined drarry nation this was an unexpected plot twist#but like its refreshing sometimes to hop into big fandoms bc there'll be fanfic magnum opuses around every corner#usually i find a True Mahstahpiece every few months or so and this month i've read multiple IN A ROW wild. thanks drarry nation#(also can't believe i read a snarry fic but the worldbuilding the plot the intrigue the prose it was REALLY GOOD#also they're the same age in the fic. but even if they weren't. purity culture is ded babieee)#(dead like my heart oof)
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
I think it's a hatecrime against me that there aren't any slugs as big as the giant African snail. Why do the snails get to have all the fun I just want a giant slime noodle.
#I don't want to keep a snail as a pet because theyre kinda prone to shell injuries#and then they die. id be in a constant state of stress#i can't have tarantulas even though i really want to for the same reason - spiders molt and they can actually fuck up#and they fuck up kinda frequently. and if they fuck up they die#because they either tear off their organs in an attempt to free themselves or they essentially turn themselves to stone#or they suffocate. i know that I'd be extremely stressed every da#id be like 'what if it happens what if they fuck up molting i have to stand here on guard in case they start molting and mess up'#because sometimes if you're really fucking lucky you CAN manage to save them. but you have to#be there on time and you have to pray. because its much easier for you to kill them than save them#and i would never forgive myself for that#in general it's very stressful for me to keep pets who don't have very clear signals of joy and displeasure/pain because i#constantly worry about possibly taking bad care of them and them being unhappy#i loved my hamster but i did breathe a breath of relief when she died of old age because every day with her was just#so unbelievably stressful for me. i wouldn't help but be preoccupied with trying to figure out if i was doing something incorrectly#if i was a bad foster parent to her if she was content etc etc#she was a great hamster but the experience was very much 0/10 for me i would never own a hamster again#in the same vein i probably couldn't have a tarantula due to this as well.#plus tbh I didn't even want a hamster my parents got her for me because they wanted me to feel obligated not to kill myself#they said that if i killed myself they wouldn't care for her and she'd die so i had to stay alive.#a part of me knew they were bullshitting but it still freaked me out super hard and made me unimaginably anxious about#getting run over or anything happening to me and paradoxically that made me even more suicidal and depressed#didn't help that my mother didn't even believe in her own plan and accused me of planning to kill myself AND my hamster#she accused me of that several times. I've always had a lot of intrusive thoughts about hurting animals so it#made me break down and self harm every time. obviously that made my mother even angrier and many a time it led to#her accusing me of being a danger to her and others#if she felt particularly hysterical she screamed i was just like my father and that she feared me as much as she had feared him#when he still had a gun. you can imagine how that made me feel considering i jsed to have nightly night terrors about my father#killing my mother.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ok real talk, looking for advice from other DnD’ers... at what point do you just nuke your character?
Rant/more info in tags.
#the group I play in (not the group I run) aka my first venture into DnD#they told me to play as a bard.#no one told me how f*cking hard it is to try to manage a bard#let alone to be USEFUL as a bard in a mid level experienced campaign with power gamers and lots of dungeon crawls#after slogging my way through the first ten or so combat scenarios and realizing I am quite literally useless#I found fun again by just becoming chaos unhinged#I touch things I shouldn't#i drink things I shouldn't#I basically live by the motto 'eh we all die sometime' and just do things to spice up the game/make things interesting#but any time there's combat I position myself outside the fighting somehow#most recently everyone went inside to search a property and I stayed outside petting the ponies#because I know I can't be useful and would only be in the way/prolong things#but comments have started getting made that honestly make me want to not play at all#our last game I sent a PM to the DM asking if my character should mysteriously disappear or kill herself#because I could tell that everyone was annoyed with me and it just instantly stopped being fun#I spent the remaining two hours in silence with my mic muted crying and waiting for the game to be over#I talked to the DM and he said that there are lots of things I can do#I reminded him I have only successfully dealt damage once in the entire campaign and it was like 2 points#I told everyone I just want to stay out of combat so I'm not in the way#I believe I phrased it 'I'm going to go be useless somewhere else'#but everyone is mad when I don't fight#and frustrated when I do because it takes so long and I never accomplish anything#and I know we're nowhere near the end of the campaign#I like my character a lot... I just want to stay out of combat until I level up enough to be useful
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
Birthday today my dudes
#i scream#god i can't believe i made it to 26 because lemme tell you this shit be a struggle sometimes#but holy shit man#i'm giving myself a lazy day#next month i get to go to fort mccoy and sleep/cook in the field#and that'll be fun
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#I hate how embarassed I feel I can't stop feeling like I'll get in trouble for loving someonelse even though I'm open about it and have#been always. I have no reason to believe he wouldn't fit both of our lives well. And that you'd become close too...#Ohhh. I see what's happening. It's the same thing that happened when we realised again we were in love with you.#And we felt a little gaslit about shitface so sometimes we doubted ourselves and worried we might be ruining your life by trying to come#here.#I KNOW WHAT THAT IS NOW.#Terminal AvPD episode. Christ.#You're both just enough closed off from me that even when you're both snuggly and sweet and open with me I still don't trust myself to know#you well enough to not upset you.#My brain is a minefield in the social realm because the trauma that cauded it was a minefield too.#A minefield where nobody ever won.#No matter how they played. No matter how hard they tried.#So then the harm avoidance pattern seeker finds Anything to fear. Because he made sure to find anything to inflict it on us.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Also just to further complicate this debate. In much of the Western U.S., a Scone is pretty much Fry Bread, Sopapillas or Beignets and is the base for a Navajo Taco. (Again called in that case called Fry Bread because that is what Indigenous Americans call it. For them it came out of their cleverness in using the particularly insufficient Government rations they received when they were forced onto barren reservation lands.)
Depending on where in the Western U.S; it is traditionally served with honey and butter, at least when the particular recipe comes from White Americans that have been in the Western U.S. for 3 generations or so, sometimes Jam. Sopapillas have their own particular way of being served, (honey, and syrup; or savory) and sometimes dramatic differences in recipes; those come from Latin America. Beignets I'll admit to knowing almost nothing about them, a part from the Princess and the Frog; usually with powdered (confectioner's) sugar.
Obviously the nearer you are to a Rez, the more likely it will be called Fry Bread. Whereas if you're in a white former frontier/pioneer land it's probably called Scones and if you're in a Latino Heavy place in the West... Sopapillas it will be. Having never made it to the American South, I can't say how common Beignets are... it's possible it's just a Former French Colony thing, I know Fry Bread also happened there... but it's possible that's partly the influence of the Reservation System.
A lot of cultural exchange happened between even Faraway Indigenous Nations because of how necessary supporting each other was in trying to keep the American Government from decimating them. (Both regular genocide and cultural genocide wise. Because the U.S. definitely are colonists in the worst kind of way and learned Imperialism as an M.O. from the Brits.) But from my understanding Fry Bread has been claimed to be from the Navajo. (But I also live in a Navajo corner of the nation... so... It's also possibly the case of Simultaneous Invention. )
But yeah, Look up California Scones or Utah Scones if you want to see those. Sopapilla to see those and Fry Bread too. Scones/Fry Bread may be square or they may be free form blobs. I learned to make them freeform but they were temporarily commercialized with SconeCutters and were square then. From my understanding Sconecutters as a restaurant is no more. You could get them with Chili Cheese, honey butter or as a subway like Sandwich from there. Now for rising base, there's some debate about whether they're traditional Scones with yeast, without yeast or with baking soda. I learned to make them with Yeast. They are always deep fried though and turned over when one side is done.
I was around 20 years old the first time I ordered a scone at a restaurant and was given something that looks like the example of the American Scone. Every other time I got Fry Bread. (And I loved Scones/Fry Bread... so plenty of ordering ;)) I'd lived in the Western U.S. my entire life at that point and was 4-5 generations (depending on the family side) there. Funnily enough I thought it must have been an English Scone. Until it kept happening at various Cafes when I traveled.
settling a debate, reblog for reach
#American Scones#Utah Scones#Fry Bread#British Biscuits#American Biscuits#British Scones#Debate#Now I ask them to describe what a Scone is before ordering it at a restaurant.#Because sometimes you want Fry Bread and sometimes you want a Pastry and sometimes you want that fruitcake like thing.#Polls#They're very very much not the same thing#Western U.S. History#Brief mention of Indigenous Genocide#Brief mention of Indigenous Cultural Genocide#The Reservation System in the U.S.#Native Sovereignty#The poor government rations were legit meant to starve out the Native Americans/Indigenous People.#But make it look like it was an act of God or accidental. The U.S. Government tried so many times to literally kill the Native Americans#Indigenous People of the U.S. so many times. And it is a testament to their amazing communities that they made it through to today.#They deserve better and you literally cannot look at any part of American History without seeing the scars left there.#And on top of it many Nations preserved their histories their languages their handicrafts and culture despite literally being killed#and tortured for any indication that they knew any of it. We stole and sold their children in attempts to take them out.#And we keep breaking our Treaties with them. We need to do better. In the Dakotas they've removed Tribal ID as acceptable ID for voting.#Which was completely purposeful. And obvious retaliation for the Pipeline Water Defenders.#(I am not Native/Indigenous and so I can't speak for all their issues nor do I know them. I've done my best to educate myself#and I will continue to share information that I do know. But the amount of history that's just ignored because it puts us in a bad light.#It's so much it's insane. And despite knowing Native People practically my whole life. I had no idea how much I didn't know 'til College.)#We talked about Native Americans/Indigenous People every single year since I started Public School. I checked out a good amount of books.#I wrongly believed I had a good grasp of how many atrocities the American Government had/was committing.
21K notes
·
View notes
Text
11/20/2024
Around Sept, I gotten a PT employment since my sister decided to argue with mom about her son's behavior and didn't want to bring him after school.
After that I gotten a PT shift to help cover the costs for illustrations for YT uploads... my checklist is almost cleared since I have to contact the same illustratior for the opening portion of the YT videos... After that I can proceed with video editing for uploads on YT...
Atm I'm still looking for full time shift to be able to cover other costs.... I have to look for FT shift until the 30th before I'm being sent to NJ which I don't like main reason is behind that is, I'm being family monitored against my will with no freedom to have privacy of my own....
I'm hoping if I can push everyday until the 30th for YT monetization to where I'm stable I can find my own space without being restricted against my own will.
If I'm able to earn enough to live on my own as a content creator, I'll be able to make video content I like making as well as expand to other content that's been on my checklist to work on....
I have in mind on how should I present my showcase as a pngtuber/vtuber... Though it might be around next year to pick a few things from the craft stores for parts of the showcase reveal...
For the 2nd YT channel I have, I'll most likely upload the work process of main channel uploads maybe vlog content where it's just me holding the camera when it comes to certain parts where I'm allowed to upload and won't disrupt business...
Main channel uploads is going to be half gameplay, and rest most likely non-gameplay content like tcgs and other things on my check list like itabag/oshi DIY stuffs and dog videos.... Collabs is something on my mind though it would have to be when NGS content is a bit slow with updates for the month after headline broadcast....
Watching other content creators I like on YT and learning about different styles they edit has become resources for me to learn and grow as a content creator into how I want to present my videos through trial and error in a fun way...
Regarding to SNS places I'm active, here is more likely a blog post of things going on IRL and talk about YT content plans I have thought for a while before going back to the drawing board of ideas I want to consider thinking about...
Bsky, X/twitter/Xitter, IG and tik tok might be mostly to practice on uploading shorter videos uploads... YT and twitch might be for streaming but YT is just video work uploads and possible streams...
Other video platforms might be a work in progress to test waters for a while....
I have considered about joining an agency as an indie vtuber, though my concern is management that can assist with sponsorships to help with IRL things and for YT streaming and videos uploads... It might be when I have some solid to present...
This is just an update for today of things I have been thinking about and happened recently for the past months to now...
#pngtuber#envtuber#vtuber#Blog update for November#life update#There are things I have been mulling over#A few things are left for me to resume video editing at night before working on YT uploads#I really don't want to be monitored against my will by family who always shames me when it comes to employment and threatened to be put out#Home with family has become a bird cage with little freedom to do anything on my own time#I'm doing everything I can try to find a full time IRL shift and figure out when to move out to somewhere I can find living space#At night my breaking point just goes in tears of being reminded from everything family has been life shaming me about...#I just can't sleep at night thinking about it#Even if I started a GFM to help with moving fees as well saving enough for rent I just don't think anyone would care enough to help me#I just want to edit gameplay videos and learn more about video editing than being life shaming by family#If I showed any form of standing up for myself including emotions I'll suffer the brunt of punishment and get scolded for it#Any form of reason with my mother ends up being in vain for she being single minded and believes in herself as righteous and knows best#Sometimes getting through to my mom is talking to a brick wall into telling her I want to be a content creator in uploading videos on YT#Including streaming she'll respond to being nosy and demanding about how much money that's being made on YT etc just to get a piece for her
1 note
·
View note
Text
I am so fucking fragile and soft rn like I feel like I might just break under the pressure of daily life. I always forget how okay I can be when I'm surrounded by people who make me feel safe and now I'm back and it's like. I don't like or trust anyone around me. I'm just scared all the time. I can't live like this. I don't know what to do and I'm not sure there's anything I can do other than be ready to tape myself back together when I break again.
#The people who I love and trust aren't around me most of the time#But being around them makes me feel like a person#Like#They love me#Specifically me as I am#It's impossible to fully believe that (hi elihu sorry)#But I can feel it#Not in the moment but like. I can't even fucking touch people most of the time#I put my hand on their shoulder and they look at me weird#Today I spent half the time holding hands with my friend and like 15 minutes crying because I miss an alter who I have an. Unhealthy attach#My heart didn't hurt as much out there#And now I'm back and I fucking hate it already#3 more weeks of endless stupid fucking work and systems made for neurotypicals#I could do it if I had literally anyone who's first reaction to me limping so badly I can't even walk without putting my weight on a wall#Isn't 'oh my god zane hurry up I'm gonna be late to class' and then fucking abandoning me#Like I'm sorry?? You have the audacity to tell me you're there for me and you'll support me if I need it and then you pull that shit?#You tell me that if i need anything I can ask and you still make fun of me for not eating enough on my own and never choose to touch me?#I can't fucking believe that some people insist I'm their friend when they won't even hold my hand#Like what the fuck. And it isn't me continuing the relationship either#They want me cause I'm funny and I care about people with every single part of me#And they think they're reciprocating but they aren't even trying#They're just making themselves feel good#Ive got a friend who brings me food sometimes which I am so beyond grateful for because I do not have the time energy or mental stability#To do that stuff on my own right now#But svery time she brings it she makes fun of me and calls me immature in some way and it makes me want to die#I can't mention it to her because she wants me as a friend and she's giving me food#But it makes me want to fucking kill myself#Idk this is turning into a vent but most of my tags do thst#I wish I could be loved more than once a month#I'm so constantly in desperate need of attention and affectionate and I fucking hate that about myself
1 note
·
View note
Text
I feel like I can't love to write anymore. and it's even more frusturating that I know why, but I feel like I can't move from it. I put so much pressure on myself to write things that are considered great by my own standards (so like. I like fullmetal alchemist. my brain tells me I have to write stuff as good as fullmetal alchemist in order for me to like it, and that idea in general applies to anything I like.) in general I just feel such intense pressure to make something that will fill the hole of doubt in myself. something that will be great. but what I really want to write is something that I will have fun with! something that- you know what? is probably kind of bad. (by the high standards of trying to write something like show stopping.) I just want to be happy with it again, because every day I find myself thinking of new ideas and having so much fun in the moment, and then I think about how it's not award winning and they become destroyed in my head. I'm just not even sure what I'm chasing with it. I feel like my old stories, ones that I wrote, characters that I made and loved (this was around the age of 12-14, I'm now 20) are like old toys in a box. and I remember them- but it's different in accepting that times change. I know it's not a linear growth of time... I know that I can never feel the same as being a kid- but I know that no matter ones age you can have fun writing and get so so lost in it and have so much fun, and I want that so bad- I just feel like I'm so stuck in my OCD and perfectionist bullshit that I will never be free
#it hurts because like. then there's moments where I'm like oh if I still can't write after all this then maybe I was just destined to fail#sighhh idk#I know I have to believe in myself more!! like I made an OC and storyline in my class this year for an assignment- and I loved it!!#but then idk. the second I come home#the second I lose structure#I just lose faith in myself#my ocd is so bad sometimes
1 note
·
View note
Text
being autistic in my experience involves having made fic authors cry with the comments you left when you were exactly 11 years old (yes) so now that you are an adult and have acquired the ability of Tact™ you think very hard about what is and what isn't acceptable to leave as feedback
#i got the Extremely Honest type of autism#of course I was labeled as a rude bitch for this#or had ppl thinking I meant to hurt them#when i actually meant to offer constructive feedback to help improve things i believed were good and had the potential to be even better#like as a 13 yo I already felt that only good things deserved to be properly analyzed for feedback#and that when something was truly awful there was no way i could be 'constructive' or nice so i had better just shut up#cuz i could NOT lie#in these moments i always felt myself imploding lmao#because the intention really wasn't to hurt#but i did think 'constructive criticism' was good#anyways to this day i sometimes just DON'T respond when i can't think of anything that seems socially appropriate#but I have a better notion of what's appropriate for others than when I was younger lmao#that is all tied to masking tbh#and i need some level of honesty to BREATHE#but i do appreciate that i can interact with the people i care about a little more smoothly than before#fyi i feel the need to clarify that there have been moments when I was mean to people on purpose it's just I wouldn't call it 'constructive'#it's different when i mean to help with feedback and accidentally hurt someone#when I hurt others I suppose it came as a result of being hurt myself#or from navigating my experience as a human being who is perceived by others and whose actions can be of impacr#it's really vivid in my memory the first times i realized i did something and it had the power to hurt someone#I'm still really ashamed of some of it#like i made one fatphobic comment to a friend as a 12 yo and then i literally couldn't sleep all night from the remorse#and I'm ashamed of it to this day#and I'm turning 29 in a couple of weeks#it was like..... 17 years ago#oh my god
0 notes
Text
.
#I can't stop thinking about the parallels between Eden and Kalpas#Was it done on purpose? At times it doesn't feel like it#At times it feels more that instead of very conscious and intently weitten like that it was more a coincidence#derivative from the recurring themes and parallels in ideas roles character and situations that thread all the Flame Chasers together#and make of them a cohesive whole#But wow the parallels bwtween Eden and Kalpas specifically are so good#I've been thinking about them for days sometimes quite intensely#I haven't even reached that part of the story yet and still here I am#At this point the actual development of the story and the writing of these details is bound to disappoint me#It shines so beautifully in my mind and with such a particular glow#Like one of those cups or calices made our of seashells#I talk too much#I can't believe an idol and an alien are all I've been thinking of for hours now#Normally alien and idol are tropes I couldn't care less for#Yet somehow I'm invested#And somehow I am very invested in this lame ass man#I can't believe I initially disliked and found kind of disgusting then got very fond of a man with white hair with black details#and something over his face that has a lot of anger issues but is sort of very gentle in his way‚#fact that shows not only in his behaviour but even his preferences and hobbies#but nonetheless he is quite shy and detached from people with a few exceptions‚ a pink haired woman his closest most trusted person#and sort of friend but not quite but also deeper than that at the same time#And this has happened twice#I can't see Guzm.a without seeing Kalpas now and the other way round#They both sit the same way‚ wear short sleeved jackets over a t-shirt with a wide neckline‚ both are obsessed with destruction#and breaking things and the sound they make while doing that‚ both screan rude things all the time‚#both find pretty much everyone stupid and annoying both share a feeling of alienation and unbelonging#Both take care of a bunch of kids in a way#Guz.ma's ending in the manga may be my favourite writing in the whole history of Pokemo.n‚ and N exists!#Otto/Kalpas situation tbh I can't stand myself#Get a grip look at that very well written character with all the traits and thematic you most enjoy. What are you doing with this guy
0 notes