#sometimes I can't believe that I made it myself

[gayofthefae]

"I should have explained myself because maybe then Eleven would have taken me with her, but - I don't know. I didn't know what to say."

That isn't what he said the first time.

"I should have said something. And maybe if I had said that thing, Eleven would want me there with her."

The sentiment of him being with her and knowing/ensuring she's safe is consistent. But he isn't actually repeating himself. There's no need for him to as a person and as a screenwriter, repetition should DEFINITELY be cut.

He's changing. He's brainstorming. He's starting to consider other angles of the "could have"s. The "what if"s.

He starts with "what if I'd just forced an 'I love you'". But I think he likely settles on what we can logically deduce for ourselves in that situation - "I made the right choice prioritizing with what I knew of the consequences at the time".So he changes. He changes.

He changes to "I should have explained myself".

"Explained myself" is NOT the same as "said that thing" and that is VITAL.

I should have just sucked it up and told her I loved her if it meant keeping her safe.

No, I did the best I could with the information I had

I should have told her the truth. Maybe she would have taken it better if I had just told her that I don't love her but it's my fault, not hers. Now she thinks it's hers and that I'm hiding it.

And, perfect timing, Will comes in with (in Mike's pov) "It makes sense why you didn't, though, don't beat yourself up. She was gonna get hurt either way and everything would have been a risk as to how much."

And Mike nods. And the next time we see him, he's saying

"Will she still even want me in her life if I can't give her the love she wants? All I can do now is to make sure she knows it isn't her fault, that's the selfless act I can do for her, but if I confess I don't love her, what other use am I to her? Will doing what's best for her by telling her it's not her fault, it's mine, instead of continuing to lie make me lose her?"

He says "explain". He starts with "maybe I should have changed the 'what'". Then he shifts to "maybe I should changed what she thought of the 'why'". Ironically, his question in the van once he's come to that conclusion is "how?".

The first pitch he makes is "maybe I should have told her I loved her" and Will says "don't worry, you'll have another chance", and he turns away and introspectively reacts with

aversion.

But then he says "maybe I should have just explained the real reason behind my actions instead of denying them all together" and Will says "that's a scary thing to do. It's a hard decision. You're doing your best", and he turns away and introspectively reacts with

understanding.

Honestly, being understood. And sometimes that's what you need to find understanding. He's been confused this whole time, that's been his whole thing, but he looks like he's starting to piece something together now - finally. Will put his own feelings into words for him to hear out loud so could finally get them and get them in a validated way.

Instinctively, he knew the first one was easier but wrong. He didn't want to lie to her. Both times Will said "if that's what you want to do, I believe in you", but only once did he agree. He knew it felt like the wrong choice the first time and you can see it. The second time was a new choice he was considering.

And you know what? While we're here. Telling her he loves her: aversion. Telling her the truth: understanding and drive. What happens next?

He expresses "what if when I tell her the truth, as I've decided is the right choice, she appreciates it but doesn't need me for anything else beyond that?" And Will says "she'll stay. You got this.", and he reacts with

Comfort.

He didn't know what to do. Then he did, but he was scared to do it. Then he wasn't so scared anymore.

He's thrilled to see her and forgets for a second but - much like El with Will on roller rink day - is reminded by seeing Will that now that she's actually here, it's real. He's committed to his actions and they're impending.

But he's not so scared anymore. Bravery, though, doesn't mean no nerves. He's hesitant and not happy looking when he talks to her about it first. He tries to lighten the mood - "the whole world went to shit and everything" - and he's watching her reactions like a hawk. It feels like less of a risk now enough that he can do it, but not so little that he isn't scared. Either way though, it's worth the risk for her to know the problem isn't her.

He didn't know what to do. Now he does. He was scared, but he's not as much anymore. Not too much to do it. They're interrupted. Okay, oh well, he'll find another time.

And now to break your heart:

Mike had an idea, Will said it was good, but Mike met that with aversion.

Mike had an idea, Will said it was good, Mike met that with understanding and agreement.

Mike was scared, Will said he had no reason to be, Mike met that with comfort.

(I'm sorry) Mike was scared for El - unrelated - and looked to Will for comfort - as he had every other time - when he tapped him on the shoulder, Will said he should tell her he loves her, and he reacts with

anguish.

This was not Mike's plan.

This was not their plan, so he thought.

Mike's reaction tells us everything about what he knew and what he meant for what's to come. This was not what he meant. That was not what he was going to say. This was not his plan.

And there's that part of you too that always wishes to go back to semi-ignorant bliss. Even if just panicked confusion. Because wasn't it nice: when telling her you loved her evoked this

And not this

Wasn't it nice when you knew...just a little less?

Wasn't it nice, in a way, when you couldn't see the happy ending so clearly?

Don't you sort of miss - when you couldn't taste it?

also fuck it for just for that list bit and the bridge of this song here's my illicit affairs edit linked because "you showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else"

[draculiza]

it's me and my fav skirt against the world

[mildmayfoxe]

series of meals

[magentagalaxies]

1 & 2 :-p

thank you!!

"1. Song of the year" and "2. Album of the Year" are such a tossup for me bc there are so many songs i've listened to that have defined specific moments this year and also 2024 has been such a good year for new music??? like idk how so many of my favorite artists' album cycles somehow happened to sync but i'm genuinely considering making a post ranking every new release i listened to in 2024 bc i have a lot of thoughts. anyway all this to say in my attempt to choose one album and one song i accidentally chose 3 albums lmao enjoy

Song(s) of the year: "Midwest Indigo" and "Oldies Station" by twenty one pilots

i have a complicated relationship to the band twenty one pilots. they were THAT band for my angsty 13-year-old self and while i still feel a lot of nostalgia for their early work, i haven't considered anything they've done a "favorite of the year" since middle school. that is until their 2024 album "clancy"

the trouble with the angsty bands you attach to in middle school is sometimes as you grow up, the music doesn't grow along with you. but jfc if "blurryface" was the perfect album for me leaving behind my childhood and becoming a teenager, "clancy" feels tailor-made for all those complex emotions of a final semester of college.

"midwest indigo" is a song about anxiety and seasonal depression, sure, but it's told in such a mundane and relatable way (it's literally just that feeling of "FUCK it's so cold out here. FUCK why isn't my friend texting me back it's been 2 minutes. FUCK my therapist just rescheduled again." but none of these things are the end of the world, you just keep going.) also the instrumental is so tight and it's very fun to loudly sing along to in the car

"oldies station" on the other hand is the only time twenty one pilots has made me cry since i was a preteen. (or should i say "times" bc i swear i teared up the first like 20 times i heard this song). it's such a hopeful song about mental health but never in a way that feels like it's bullshitting you. it's not "everything is going to be fine and perfect forever", it's "yeah your mental illness might never go away but you learn to manage it even if your progress isn't always liner. and someday you'll be at a red light and your favorite song will be considered oldies and you'll have one of those moments like i'm so glad i stayed alive to see this" fuck i'm tearing up just writing about it lmao.

it just felt really special to see this band i kind of "outgrew" suddenly meet me exactly where i'm at, bc i've made a lot of progress on my mental health in the past 2 years and had plenty of "oldies station" moments, while also dealing with trying not to fall apart over "midwest indigo" type stress. i don't expect everyone to have the same emotional connection i do to these songs but they are some of my favorites of 2024

Album of the year: Stick Season by Noah Kahan

ok this section is gonna be shorter bc i'm being more general but basically even tho it didn't come out in 2024 i listened to stick season (specifically the "we'll all be here forever" version with the bonus tracks) in full for the first time on january 9th 2024 and i have been obsessed ever since. literally 21 of the top 22 songs on my wrapped are every track from this album. i went as "noah kahan" for my halloween costume. i went through a phase where i would sing along to the entire album at least once a day

stick season is actually pretty different than my usual music taste (i don't tend to like more acoustic production and there's a huge country influence in a lot of the songs) but its songs are each so well written, both with poetic lyrics and strong hooks, and even tho it's not a "concept album" with a specific story the whole album has such a cohesive theme and sense of place that by the end of the "we'll all be here forever" version it feels like you just watched a movie. highly recommend

also i find it very sweet that of my top 2 albums, "clancy" is an album i can bond over with my dad (he's honestly a bigger twenty one pilots fan than i am, he got into them when i was in middle school and he keeps up with their music much more than i do) and "stick season" is an album i bond over with my mom (she got into noah kahan a few months before i did and there were times when i'd call her while at college and we'd just go off on a tangent about how good the album is)

anyway honorable mention to MOUTH CONGRESS's "Valley of Song" i honestly wouldn't say it defined 2024 for me quite as much as 2023 bc so far most of my associations with it are seeing it come together before the release, but it's definitely among my top albums that released this year, give it a listen if you haven't already

anyway thank you for the ask!!

End of year ask prompt

[monstermp3]

.

[raiiny-bay]

i haven't actually played sims in almost 2 years

[featherymainffins]

I think it's a hatecrime against me that there aren't any slugs as big as the giant African snail. Why do the snails get to have all the fun I just want a giant slime noodle.

[asinglesock]

just realized my fatal flaw and the great struggle of possibly the rest of my life. while watching a cdrama.

[orchideae]

In today's episode of 'Sae, do you (...)': the topic of Ningguang and Yelan, and I thought that I should note my opinion more clearly outside of my rules as it's very important information for my portrayal: I do not ship Ningguang and Yelan romantically.

Honestly, while this is of course my own opinion, I don't find that there's anything to really substantiate a romantic interest between the two. For starters, I don't think that Ning, as interesting of a character as she is with a past that might just be similar in its 'rise' to Yelan's (we're left with very little information on the latter's childhood), ticks the right kind of boxes for her, though to be fair: not many do. Yelan craves a specific sort of thrill in her life, I mean she lives it at the roll of a dice because she is, on some level, bored, and craves the unexpected, the unusual, the 'surprise', and Ningguang's life nor personality seem to play into that. Beyond it, Yelan would need a kinship within this very specific 'loneliness' that I talk about too often and I think that Ning is not one who quite meshes into that in the right way.

Second, despite their long-standing history that even predates their mutual involvement with the Qixing, there seems to be a certain professional distance between the two that I'm quite fond of that is shown in brief event cutscenes, and also Yelan's vision story, that I find inherently intriguing. Perhaps this distance plays more into Yelan's character of not investing too heavily, or rather not too easily, into social dynamics than it does Ning's (I'm not one to weigh in on her character), but it seems evident to me that there's also that semblance of professionalism that creates a line that takes away the possibility of growing closer on an emotional level. And whether that's a mutual decision or not is not up to me to judge, but I think it's one that's made rather clearly from Yelan's side. On top of that, Yelan is Yelan and it's my personal belief that shipping her is rather difficult.

Now I'm also inherently of the opinion (unpopular, I know, I apologize) that dynamics aren't always more interesting when written in romantic settings, and I don't think it's a benefit for all of them to veer into a romantic nature. And in my opinion (and most importantly: in my depiction and understanding of Yelan's character), I think that having Ning and Yelan cross the line from professionalism into something inherently more rooted in romanticism, would be a detriment to their dynamic. Because honestly, I think the fact that Ningguang being one of two people (other being Uncle Tian) to know Yelan best, without ever crossing that line, is too good. I would simply, well, just prefer to keep that not only platonic, but professional, but of course not excluding it of Yelan's quips, and the occasional 'confidant' element.

/rambles in tags because I feel like I have more to say that I shouldn't flood the post with.

[saintvainglorious]

Fics I Enjoyed September-October

10 fics total. Includes fics from the following fandoms: Black Sails, Harry Potter

Away Childish Things by lettered/@letteredlettered Harry Potter | Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy | 154k | Teen & Up

Harry gets de-aged. Malfoy has to help him.

Elective Affinities by Caecelia Harry Potter | Harry Potter/Severus Snape | 86k (WIP) | Mature

It's 1976, and a strange new transfer student is about to turn Severus Snape's life on its head . . .

What We Pretend We Cannot See by gyzym/@gyzym Harry Potter | Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy | 131k | Mature

Seven years out from the war, Harry learns the hard truth of old history: it’s never quite as far behind you as you thought.

where there's a will by aloneintherain/@captainkirkk Harry Potter | Gen | 8k | Teen & Up

Harry writes the first draft of his will when he’s fourteen.

Princes of the New World by x_etoile_x/@etoilesombre Black Sails | James Flint/John Silver | 38k | Explicit

“This is your plan?” Flint sneers, looking at Silver like he’d expected no better. “Hiding below decks like a rat?” “Now Captain, that’s unkind,” Silver pouts, trying to hide his hurt behind teasing reproach. All day he has tried to match Flint, to fight alongside him though he is ill-suited to it, and it has earned him nothing but disdain. Now it’s time to do things his way for a while. “Like a stowaway, at least.” After they have taken the warship and been cast out of the crew, Flint and Silver are forced to contend with each other and the nature of their relationship.

Far From the Tree by aideomai Harry Potter | Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy | 112k | Explicit

The arrival of Harry Potter’s children—snapped back in time, the children themselves guessed, twenty or so years—was the most interesting thing to happen at Hogwarts for years.

Eager for the Sky by oknowkiss/@oknowkiss Harry Potter | Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy | 35k | Mature

It was announced, just as the Triwizard Tournament had been, at the start of term feast. A year-long, international Quidditch varsity match — the inaugural Wizarding Academy Cup. In which Harry is Hogwarts' star Seeker, Draco is on the bench, and they both have a thing or two to learn about playing for the same team.

Like Lightning at Your Fingertips by potterwatch Harry Potter | Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy | 43k | Teen & Up

The problem with living with another insomniac is, eventually, they find out you’re one, too. When Harry and Draco return for their eighth year, they think they’ll see very little of each other. Then McGonagall assigns them to room together. And the castle starts breaking. And there’s that thing with Potter’s magic.

Three's Family by darkbluedark Harry Potter | James Potter/Lily Evans | 19k | Teen & Up

It’s May 1979 and the Order has just apprehended a pair of mysterious wizards who look remarkably like a Potter and a Malfoy. Naturally, James Potter and Sirius Black are called in to identify the strangely familiar strangers and determine their backgrounds and loyalties. (This would be a lot easier if their captives weren’t convinced everyone they talk to is dead. It would also be easier if they didn’t spend half their bloody time bickering.)

The Bolthole by aideomai and Tepre/@tepre Harry Potter | Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy | 54k | Explicit

Harry is a hoarder, Draco is grief-stricken, and both are capable human adults who can definitely spend a month in a cottage in the Cotswolds together without ever talking about the time they slept together in eighth year. Yeah, no, totally.

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

Ok real talk, looking for advice from other DnD’ers... at what point do you just nuke your character?

Rant/more info in tags.

[azurescaled-archived]

Birthday today my dudes

[ame-to-ame]

Oh this sucks

[11kaki-11]

11/20/2024

Around Sept, I gotten a PT employment since my sister decided to argue with mom about her son's behavior and didn't want to bring him after school.

After that I gotten a PT shift to help cover the costs for illustrations for YT uploads... my checklist is almost cleared since I have to contact the same illustratior for the opening portion of the YT videos... After that I can proceed with video editing for uploads on YT...

Atm I'm still looking for full time shift to be able to cover other costs.... I have to look for FT shift until the 30th before I'm being sent to NJ which I don't like main reason is behind that is, I'm being family monitored against my will with no freedom to have privacy of my own....

I'm hoping if I can push everyday until the 30th for YT monetization to where I'm stable I can find my own space without being restricted against my own will.

If I'm able to earn enough to live on my own as a content creator, I'll be able to make video content I like making as well as expand to other content that's been on my checklist to work on....

I have in mind on how should I present my showcase as a pngtuber/vtuber... Though it might be around next year to pick a few things from the craft stores for parts of the showcase reveal...

For the 2nd YT channel I have, I'll most likely upload the work process of main channel uploads maybe vlog content where it's just me holding the camera when it comes to certain parts where I'm allowed to upload and won't disrupt business...

Main channel uploads is going to be half gameplay, and rest most likely non-gameplay content like tcgs and other things on my check list like itabag/oshi DIY stuffs and dog videos.... Collabs is something on my mind though it would have to be when NGS content is a bit slow with updates for the month after headline broadcast....

Watching other content creators I like on YT and learning about different styles they edit has become resources for me to learn and grow as a content creator into how I want to present my videos through trial and error in a fun way...

Regarding to SNS places I'm active, here is more likely a blog post of things going on IRL and talk about YT content plans I have thought for a while before going back to the drawing board of ideas I want to consider thinking about...

Bsky, X/twitter/Xitter, IG and tik tok might be mostly to practice on uploading shorter videos uploads... YT and twitch might be for streaming but YT is just video work uploads and possible streams...

Other video platforms might be a work in progress to test waters for a while....

I have considered about joining an agency as an indie vtuber, though my concern is management that can assist with sponsorships to help with IRL things and for YT streaming and videos uploads... It might be when I have some solid to present...

This is just an update for today of things I have been thinking about and happened recently for the past months to now...

[marskid11]

I feel like I can't love to write anymore. and it's even more frusturating that I know why, but I feel like I can't move from it. I put so much pressure on myself to write things that are considered great by my own standards (so like. I like fullmetal alchemist. my brain tells me I have to write stuff as good as fullmetal alchemist in order for me to like it, and that idea in general applies to anything I like.) in general I just feel such intense pressure to make something that will fill the hole of doubt in myself. something that will be great. but what I really want to write is something that I will have fun with! something that- you know what? is probably kind of bad. (by the high standards of trying to write something like show stopping.) I just want to be happy with it again, because every day I find myself thinking of new ideas and having so much fun in the moment, and then I think about how it's not award winning and they become destroyed in my head. I'm just not even sure what I'm chasing with it. I feel like my old stories, ones that I wrote, characters that I made and loved (this was around the age of 12-14, I'm now 20) are like old toys in a box. and I remember them- but it's different in accepting that times change. I know it's not a linear growth of time... I know that I can never feel the same as being a kid- but I know that no matter ones age you can have fun writing and get so so lost in it and have so much fun, and I want that so bad- I just feel like I'm so stuck in my OCD and perfectionist bullshit that I will never be free

[babyilluwu]

being autistic in my experience involves having made fic authors cry with the comments you left when you were exactly 11 years old (yes) so now that you are an adult and have acquired the ability of Tact™ you think very hard about what is and what isn't acceptable to leave as feedback