#something wrong or making a connection i shouldnt and its stupid and everyone else is going to think im stupid for it. i never want to anno

[stunfiskz]

i really love these games a lot but this fandom is so stressful to me

[bunny-heels]

giant vent post.

i think ive reached an actual breaking point. i havent had a breakdown this bad in such a long time and it stills feels horrible now as it did back then. i cant really think properly, not straight at least anyway. im going to ramble on and probably have a really hard time connecting everything together. but whatever.

at some point in my teens i developed a hyper self awareness. i would have that part of my brain that always thought rationally, like it was made up of a court of people or was some sort of other entity entirely. its always aware of what i was doing, if im doing something stupid, out of anger, irrational, selfish. its the "adult" part. it knows better than me, it knows right from wrong. and its not even like a "voice in the back of my head" or anything. its a very vocal and very upfront part of my brain thats there all the time. and it still is as im writing this. its never left.

my self awareness is really, really strong. it is pretty much my personal therapist. i think ive been through so much mental trauma in my life that my brain has just developed this as a safety net or firewall or whatever. and i mean it works a lot. only time it doesnt is when im really really depressed. like close to actually self harming or making a plan to kill myself levels.

i remember when i tried self-harming once, using really shitty dull scissors. that self-aware part of my brain was there the whole time, kept telling me this was a bad idea, there was no point in doing it and it would only hurt me and my loved ones if i succeeded in actually causing damage. i heard it the entire time. but i still went through with it and tried so hard to get through my own skin. i couldnt and i finally gave into the self aware and realized i shouldve listened to it sooner cause yeah, its not worth it to hurt myself just to regret it later.

my self awareness knew better like it always does. and like i said, its basically my therapist now. i barely even vent anymore because of it. i used to vent and rant a lot. i did it weekly pretty much because i had my little spaces where i thought i could let my emotions out and then i'd be able to go along with my day. then i had a friend of mine be passive aggressive towards me once because i guess they finally got sick of seeing of my rants on their timeline. and even my own mom told me i shouldnt be talking and showing my sensitive side so much online. then my stupid autism mistook someones joke for being real and i got so embarrassed i tried my best to seem like i was talking about someone else. and then i made friends with people where all they would do is rant and vent and rant and vent and rant and vent. and i got so, so tired of it to the point where i wanted to try everything i can to not be like them.

after that i barely ever ranted or vented again and only did it on very very very few occasions and only in places my friends could see. but every time i felt my emotions grow, my self aware side will just come in and be rational.

"dont think much about what these people online are doing, you know theyre just hateful and spiteful. theres no point in wasting your thoughts and emotions on them. do something you like instead."

"yeah the world is horrible right now. there are children dying and families being torn apart and innocent people being put through torture. and you feel guilty that you cant help them or that you dont deserve to be sad because youre not the one going through it. but its okay to be sad about people you dont know or how bad the world gets, and you dont need to justify your sadness. you know its different for everyone."

"you're reasonably upset about this thing, youre getting angry and there being no progress made is just making your mood worse. but font blow up. you know better than to yell at the people who dont and you dont want it to seem like youre annoyed with them or that you dont care. anger doesnt solve anything. you need patience and to be understanding. you shouldnt act extreme unless the situation really calls for it. then its justified."

if i have an urge to vent, i'll vent to my self awareness. if i get angry, my self awareness will calm me down. if i'm confused, my self awareness will look at everything it can. if i'm doing something i shouldn't, my self awareness lets me know. if i get bad impulses, my self awareness keeps me under control. my self awareness knows best. its the better half of me. its the part of me that i wish i could fully be 24/7. but i just cant.

and to be honest, my self awareness is also my enemy.

"i know you feel like venting but, look at all the problems these other people have. you dont need to talk about your problems with anyone. just use your brain and you'll be fine."

"theres already someone in this group that brings the mood down all the time. they talk negative about themselves and their life. you already feel bad for not being able to do anything. why add on to the list of people who cry and complain? you cant take care of your own issues just fine."

"is this the best time to be going to this person to vent and rant? i mean you have no idea what theyre doing right now. they could be busy, they could be in a good mood and you dont wanna bring them down. what if they dont even want to hear about your problems right now? its best if you just figure it out yourself for now. youre smart, you dont need other people when you already know what to do."

i remember in late elementary and during my whole middle school years, my mental health was the lowest its ever been. during middle school, almost every day was the same. i'd have an okay or mediocre time at school, i'd come home, feel relief for a bit and maybe hang out with friends, then all the sudden this wave of sadness flowed through me. it would hit hard and all at one. i would always have to get away from my computer, climb into bed, and cry. sometimes it was over something that happened at school, sometimes over something online, sometimes something at home, and sometimes for no reason. but it would always happen. no matter what.

i isolated myself when i cried. i hated people seeing or hearing me cry or tear up. i would get made fun of for crying in elementary school, whether if it was from bullying or having issues with class or the teacher. i was and am still really really sensitive. and i was always treated terribly every time i showed it. so when i got emotional or upset, i hid myself away. no one gets bothered by me and i get bothered by no one. eventually after learning some things about psychology and getting a bit of therapy, my brain trained on that and i learned to deal with my emotions all by myself. i didnt need to talk to anyone anymore, no more making someone feel bad or having my problems be ignored or getting made fun of for my emotions. from now on all my problems stayed my problems.

but i dont know how long i can keep going like this. i can rationalize a situation, i can regulate my emotions, i can do things at my own pace and never have to worry about burdening someone or myself ever again. im doing it all myself. im doing it alone.

i dont want to do it alone anymore.

i want to talk to people about my problems again. i want to rant and vent and ramble and scream about things that piss me off and make me upset. i wanna yell while i rant to my friends about something that made me angry. i wanna vent about having a shitty day. i wanna be able to message a friend and tell them i feel like shit. i wanna be able to call a friend while crying and saying that i wish things were better. i wanna be able to talk about how much the world sucks. i wanna have moments where i talk shit about myself, talk about how im a miserable piece of shit and that i dont deserve to be loved and cared for. i dont deserve friends or family, i dont deserve nice things, i dont deserve to have fun, or have medicine, or have people listen to me, or care about me. i wanna scream that i dont matter and that no one cares about me.

and all i want after that is just someone to hug me.

i dont want to hear rational explanations about the world, or about how life and feelings work, or how the human brain works, or how fair and unfair things can be. i dont want cold hard truth. i dont want blunt. my brain already does it for me. i know im being irrational, i know im just upset, i know im just depressed, i knows things are unpredictable and that life isnt a straight path and that not everything is simple and things cant be fixed that easily and that theres always gonna be hard moments and i just have to accept it. i know. i know i know i know.

just please. i just want a moment to he comforted.

i want someone to listen. i want someone to sit there in silence as they hear my begs and pleads. i want them to not say anything as i scream about how terrible everything is. i want them quiet as i complain that life is awful and things should be easier. i dont want them to interrupt while i talk shitty about myself and call myself a horrible person. i dont want them to talk. i want them to listen. i want them to hear me when i cry and listen when i go on and on and on.

and when im finally finished speaking, and im gasping for air as my throat is all raspy from how much and how high ive spoken, and my face is red and i have a massive headache and my eyes and cheeks are soaked in tears and my whole body hurts, i just want them to get up, be right in front or next to me, and hug me.

i want them to wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tight against them. for them to put their hand on the back of my head and on my mid back and stroke both of them. for them to put my face in the croak of their neck. and to just hear them breath and whisper

"its okay. everything will be okay."

and i'll cry again. i'll cry so hard my whole face will hurt. my eyes will be bloodshot, my face is hot and bright red, my nose is snotty and runny, my whole body is tired, i look like a disheveled mess. and i'll cry into their neck. i'll let it all out.

and i want them to be okay with that. i want them to let me let go. i want them to let me have my moment of breaking down. and when im tired from it all, i want them to soothe me and tell me that everything will be okay. that im not a bad person, that im not ugly, that its okay that im sensitive, that im not a burden, that i deserve to be loved and cared for, that its okay for me to cry, its okay for me to have these moments of weakness, that im not alone, that its okay for me to let it out.

that i dont have to care of myself anymore and theyll be there for me no matter what.

i'll have them and they'll have me.

but even now when im getting close to finishing this, feeling like i finally have let myself have a moment of vulnerability.

that voice comes back, it creeps in at the last few words.

"you do have people that care about you. of course theyre there for you. you know you have people that care. dont pretend they dont exist."

they do exist.

i know they exist.

but

what if theyre busy.

[whyyoualwayssoradical]

im not pretending anything, the visualization at first seemed to match what i knew, fucking sorry i guess? dont know why youre so ready to just attack me when trying to have a fucking discussion about it because IVE REALIZED THE VISUAL WAS BAD after it was pointed out and was trying to talk through it and where shit may have likely been pulled from. and generally the people i follow have much better understanding on issues over there so im so sorry that i tried to boost others voices whom i thought was just showcasing a very quick representation of the situation over time. do you check every single detail of every single little thing you reblog down to the letter before reblogging all the time without fail ever and never been corrected after the fact? i don't really know why you're being antagonistic towards me when ive stated over and over again im trying to learn and understand, you word things as if im being disingenuous when i swear im not, again im am trying to learn and understand.

also i never said i know oh so much. ive been saying im trying to learn and understand the situation, why are you saying something not true? do you mean because i said ive spent weeks researching it? that's not me saying i know so much, that's me saying im trying to research and understand what all is going on over there and that is one of the efforts im making to educate myself on it. the only bias i have is people shouldnt be getting killed on either side by anyone, because thats fucking wrong, didn't think i had to clarify that the killing of innocent people on either side is abhorrent.

"The fact that you are taking the word of deranged American non-Jews you KNOW are deranged as an accurate reflection of Israel is truly incredible."

this is not at all what i have said or meant by anything i've said so i dont know how you arrived at this conclusion. i think you have misunderstood a lot of what i have been trying to say, likely due to my poor communication skills.

i didnt say jewish voices agree with crazy american evangelicals. i talk about israel the state entity, not israelis or jews, when people talk about america everyone knows they're talking about the entity and not the individuals, so why is it different for israel? i know there's plenty of jews that don't agree with zionism, do you think the only jew ive ever met and interacted with in life is the one that went to my church and was a staunch zionist? is that what you think? i know the christians are disingenuous in their support of israel and jewish people because they only see it as a means to "the end" and i said absolutely nothing to imply otherwise or at least i thought i didnt say anything to imply that but im fucking stupid so i dont know.

where am i not listening to jews? i talk about israel, not jewish people, jewish people exist wether israel exists or not, i talk about israel more specifically the part of the government i know has influence and is influenced on and by american evangelicals, i knew of "bibi" netanyahu long before he was prime minister this most recent time around, you think i'm just pointing him and his party out for no reason?

do you think the evangelicals have no connection or influence to israel at all? because thats simply not true. also i have explicitly tried to refer to netanyahu and the likud party, at no point whatsoever have i intended to imply all israelis feel the same as them, because again i talk of the entity israel as the actor not individual israelis.

youre doing the same thing everyone else does, whatabout hamas? the situation has been a problem long before hamas existed. i dont know enough about hamas, i simply dont, but it's something i'm working on learning more about, but obviously their bad deeds are evil too and they arent inherently some force for only good just because they aren't israel, you are saying i believe things that i have never once said or even implied. i do have a lot of knowledge about israel and its ties to the US particularly in regards to zionism and i know what israel is doing is fucking wrong and has been wrong for decades. i didnt say that made it okay for what hamas did or what any armed group has done anywhere that got civilians killed or worse. do you expect hamas to carry out peaceful demonstrations to beg for israel to stop killing palestinians when palestinians have tried just that and got targeted by precise sniper fire?

you want me to make a post specifically calling out the issues with hamas? i didnt think i had to mention hamas explicitly on a post about israel when the history that i was discussing predates hamas.

is israel as powerful without the backing of evangelical zionists? some of who i personally know are jewish that have these beliefs, that's also a jewish voice that says to stand for israel no matter what? so should i only listen to her view? her view that tells me to "defeat gods enemies"? which jewish voice is correct? there's many.

i have no idea what your last part means but it sounds very hyperbolic. "blood plague"? i dont even know what that means. im not saying i know for a fact its not antisemitic, im trying to understand why it is which is why i asked. there are islamaphobic and antisemitic attacks happening all over the world, you think im deaf to that? a mob tried to rush a plane from tel aviv that landed in russia, that is antisemitic hate like you're saying is happening and then muslim people are also being attacked around the world like in america but you only pointed out the antisemitic and not the islamophobia so does that make you biased as well? if im following your logic on my bias then that would mean you have bias as well, you mention one and not the other side that equals bias? not being a smart ass legitimately asking

i don't know what you think i believe or what you think i think but it's clear from your attitude that you already hold me in contempt and prefer sarcastic whips in your dialogue than actual discussion to get to the truth of things. from your last lines of text, you've already decided what i think and believe instead of talking to me about it. do you really think i would intentionally reblog something if i thought was antisemitic?

im trying to learn and understand the situation as best i can. i know i dont know enough. i know im in over my head. but i cannot be quiet in the face of israel (specifically the state entity backed by US arms which is what i always mean when i say israel) genociding palestinians.

clearly you only expect perfection out of anyone on here which is exactly why i rarely post my own thoughts. you must be perfect and have the perfect exact opinion or we will tear you to shreds because you made a mistake.

clearly im just stupid and terrible at communicating and sorry for caring about palestinians and not explicitly condemning hamas and sorry that i talk about israel as israel when talking about the state entity that kills people, that kills palestinians and israelis because they dont fucking care about the people they govern and only care about their end goals.

i dont even know what this says anymore, i dont know anything, like idk i was like oh we can have a discussion about this visual because turns out it's terrible and you just attack me when im just trying to understand and learn and find the truth.

i dont know what else im supposed to do, im trying but clearly im just stupid and spreading nothing but antisemitic hate with every stupid post because i was completely isolated from most of the rest of the world until i was about 18 and so i have very limited, stunted, outdated, and indoctrinated beliefs im trying to work through.

sorry again, im sorry.

Palestinian-Israeli "conflit" in 30 secondes

[la5t-res0rt]

this was written several weeks ago in response to asks i was receiving i am posting it now it is very long the longest i have ever made and it is not very well edited but here it is in this final essay i talk about how shitty rae is about black people in her writing as well as just me talking about how her writing sucks in general lets begin

hello everyone 

as you may know i have received a lot of anons in the last week or so about issues of racism in the beetlejuice community both just generally speaking and also within specific spaces 

i was very frustrated to not be getting the answers i wanted because i typically do not talk about what i do not see but in an effort to be better about discourse i went looking through discourse from before my time in the fandom and i also received some receipts and information from my followers and from some friends

keep in mind that the voices and thoughts of bipoc are not only incredibly important at all times but in this circumstance it is important that if a bipoc has something to add you listen and learn and be better

i admit that when this happened i wasnt aware of the extent of what occurred and im angry at myself for not doing more at that time and i want to work harder to make sure something like this doesnt go unnoticed again

im a hesitant to talk about months old discourse because i have been criticized for bringing up quote old new unquote but this is very important and i am willing to face whatever comes from to me

lets talk about this

content from our local racist idiot that may be months old but its important

putting my thoughts under a cut to spare the dash but before i begin obviously this is awful

lets fucking unpack this folks

right out the gate op states that she supports artistic freedom but then within a couple words she goes against that statement

being entirely canon compliant isnt artistic freedom and even so if this person has so much respect for canon they wouldnt be out here erasing lydias obvious disgust for beetlejuice in the movie or ignoring lydias age for the sake of shipping that shit isnt canon either 

also we love the quick jab at the musical there hilarious we love it dont we because god forbid a licensed and successful branch on a media have any standing in this conversation but whatever

now lets scroll down and talk about the term racebending

the term racebending was coined around 2009 in response to the avatar the last airbender movie a film in which the east asian races of the characters were erased by casting white actors in the three leading roles of aang sokka and katara 

whenever the term racebending is used in a negative light it is almost always a case of whitewashing like casting scarlett johansen in ghost in the shell or the casting of white actors of the prince of persia sands of time instead of iranian ones

this kind of racebending erases minorities from beeing seen in media and is wrong

all that being said however racebending has also been noted to have very positive after effects like the 1997 adaptation of cinderella or casting samuel jackson as nick fury in the marvel movies nick fury was originally a white guy can you even imagine

i read this piece from an academic that said quote writers can change the race and cultural specificity of central characters or pull a secondary character of color from the margins transforming them into the central protagonist unquote

racebending like the kind that rae is so heated about is the kind of creative freedom that leads to more representation of bipoc in media which will never be a bad thing ever no matter how pissy you get about it

designing a version of a character as a poc isnt serving to make them necessarily better it serves to give new perspective and perhaps the opportunity to connect even more deeply with a character it doesnt marginalize or erase white people it can uplift poc and if you think uplifting poc is wrong because it tears down white people or whatever youre a fucking moron and you need to get out of your podunk white folk town and see the real world

the numbers of times a bipoc particularly a bipoc that is also lgbt+ has been represented in media are dwarfed by what i as a white dude have seen myself represented in media is and that isnt okay that isnt equality and its something that should change not only in mainstream media but in fandom spaces as well

lets move down a bit further to the part about bullying straight people which is hilarious and lets also talk about the term fetishistic as well lets start with that

this person literally writes explicit pornography of a minor and an adult are we really going to let someone like that dictate what is and what isnt fetishistic

similarly to doing a positive racebend situation people may project lgbt+ headcanons on a character because its part of who they are and it helps them feel closer to the character and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that

depicting lgbt+ subject matter on existing characters isnt an inherently fetishistic action generally things only really become fetishistic when the media is being crafted and hyped by people who are outside of lgbt+ community for example how young teens used to flip a tit about yaoi or how chasers fetishize trans people

but drawing a character with top surgery scars or headcanoning them as trans is harmless and its just another way to interpret a character literally anone could be trans unless if their character bio says theyre cis and most of them dont go that deep so it really is open to interpretation and on the whole most creators encourage this sort of exploration because it is a good thing to get healthy representation out in the world

as for it being used to bully straights thats just funny i dont have anything else on that like if youre straight and you feel threatened and bullied because of someone headcanoning someone as anything that isnt cishet youre a fucking idiot and a weak baby idiot at that like the real world must fucking suck for you because lgbt+ people are everywhere and statistically a big chunk of your favorite characters arent cishet sorry be mad about it

lets roll down a bit further about the big meat of the issue which was when several artists were drawing interpretations of lydia as a black girl which i loved but clearly this person didnt love it because they have a very narrow and very racist and problematic view of what it means to be a black person

and before i move forward i must reiderate that i am a white person and you should listen to the thoughts of poc people like @fright-of-their-lives​ or @gender-chaotic it is not my place to explain what the black experience is like and it certainly isnt this persons either

implying that the story of a black person isnt worth telling unless if the character faces struggles like racism and prejudice is downright moronic 

why use the word kissable to describe a black persons lips now thats what i call fetishistic and its to another extreme if youre talking about a black version of lydia on top of that

the author of this post says herself that shes white so clearly shes the person whos an authority on the black experience and what it means to be a black person right am i reading that right or am i having a fucking conniption

how about allowing black characters to exist without having to struggle why cant a black version of lydia just be a goth teenager with a ghost problem who likes photography and is also black like she doesnt have to move to a hick town and get abused by racist folks she doesnt have to go through any more shit than she already goes through and if you honestly think thats the only way to tell a black persons story you need to get your brain cleaned

you know nothing about the complexities about being a black person and i dont either but you know wh odo black people who are doing black versions of canon characters they fucking know 

lets squiggle down just a bit further 

so the writer has issues with giving characters traits like a broad nose or larger lips if theyre a woman but if theyre a man suddenly its totally okay to go all ryan murphy ahs coven papa legba appropriation when approaching character design like are you fucking stupid do you hear yourself is that really how you see black men like what the fuck is wrong with you

none of the shit youre spewing takes bravery it takes ignorance and supreme levels of stupidity

do you really think you with your fic where a black lgbt+ woman is tortured and abused where you use the n word with a hard r to refer to her like that shits not okay its fucking depraved and yeah we know you love being shitty but like christ on a bike thats so much 

can we also talk about this

what the fuck is this fetishistic bull roar garbage calling this black character beyonce dressing her up in quote fuck me heels unquote are you are you seriously gonna write this and say its a shining example of how to write a black character youre basically saying ope here she is shes a sex icon haha im so progressive and i clealry understand the black experience hahahaha fuck you oh my god

on top of that theres a point where this character is only referred to as curly hair or the fact that the n word is used in the fic with the hard r like thats hands down not okay for you to use especially not in a manner like this jesus christ

oop heres a little more a sampling for you of the hell i am enduring in reading this drivel

oh boy lets put a leash on the angry black woman character lets put her in a leash and have the man imply hes a master like are you kidding me are you for real and what the fuck is with calling her shit like j lo and beyonce do you actually think thats clever at all are you just thinking of any poc that comes into your head for this 

also lydia fucking tells this girl that she shouldnt have lost her temper like she got fucking leashed im so tired why is this writing so problematic and also so bad

hold up before i lose my head lets look at some of her own comments on the matter of this character and what happens to her

hi hello youre just casually tossing the word lynch out there in the wide open world as if thats not a problem that is still real like are you fucking unhinged there have been multiple cases of this exact thing happening in our firepit of a country in the last five months alone like how can you still have shit like this up for people to read how can you be proud of work like this in this climate

and also what the fuck is that last bit 

what the actual fuck

i dont speak for black people as a white person but you do!? im sorry i had to get my punctuation out for that because wow thats fucking asinine just because one black person read your fic and didnt find the torture and abuse of your one black character abhorrant doesnt mean that the vast majority of people not only in the fandom but in the human population with decency are going to think its okay because its not 

i started this post hoping to be level headed and professional but jesus fucking christ this woman is something else white nationalism is alive and well folks and its name is rae

if you defend this woman you defend some truly abhorrant raecism

editors notes 

in order to get some perspective on these issues more fully some of the writing by the author was examined and on the whole it was pretty unreadable but i want to just call back to the very beginning of this essay where the person in question talked about holding canon in high regard but then in their writing they just go around giving people magic and shit and ignoring the end of the movie entirely like are you canon compliant or nah 

the writing doesnt even read like beetlejuice fanfic it reads as self indulgent fiction you could easily change the names and its just a bad fanfic from 2007

also can we talk about writing the lesbian character as an angry man hater like its 2020 dude and als olets touch on that girl on girl pandering while beetlejuice is just there like here we go fetishizing again wee

i cant find a way to work this into this already massive post but

im going to throw up

okay so thats a lot we have covered a lot today and im sure my ask box will regret it but this definitely should have been more picked apart when it happened

please feel free to add more to this i would love more perspectives than just my own.

[elijahfitz]

and introduction.

meet elijah.

hey guys! im lina! im 18 and im in the cst timezone. im currently a freshman in college and ive also been rping for like 6 years now ( i started on the neopets chat boards. if thats not an embarrassing fun fact idk what is ) but i havent rped since this summer since school was and still is kicking my ass. im really into musical theater, marvel & dc, and disney! i also used to be a lifeguard at a great wolf lodge for 2 years so if u want any funny stories about stupid children, or even just wanna be friends, lmk! im also SUPER sorry this intro is so late. i was gonna do it yesterday but then my friends wanted to hang and it kinda went downhill from there. im actually posting this like 20 min before i have a lab practical so i wont be able to reply until late tonight, but like this post to plot or anything!

some fun facts abt elijah:

he was adopted when he was around 3-4? he was abandoned and left on the back of a merchant cart headed to corona, where he was then discovered and then put into the local orphanage since no one was sure where he came from or who left him. all he had was a stuffed bear (named wooly), a basket of water and fruits to eat, and a letter that explained that:

his name was elijah

he was 2 (born on february 28th)

his parents couldnt care for him, so they hoped he would be found by a kind soul who could either take care of and love him, or else get him to someone who could

they loved him and only left him in the hopes that he would have a better life

he lived in the orphanage for almost 2 years and the few months before the 2nd anniversary of his arrival, rapunzel & eugene visited the orphanage that eugene grew up in and fell in love w/ eli, promptly adopting him soon after. he barely remembers anything about his abandonment and time in the orphanage, but always wanted to find his birth parents and let them know how he turned out. he kept the bear and basket in his room but carries the letter around with him in his wallet wherever he goes.

his full name is elijah frederic fitzherbert. he was given the middle name frederic in honor of his grandfather.

but, he much rather prefers eli. doesnt mind formalities but insists on people who know him to call him by his nickname. except he HATES being called “highness” bc he thinks it sounds stupid. he wont get upset per se if u keep referring to him as “your highness” but he will get annoyed

he very much wants to fulfill his role as “corona’s golden boy” by contributing back to his people. he worries for the kingdom more than he worries for himself and is always trying to prove that he is worthy of being a prince rather than just some random kid who got lucky enough to get adopted. most of his days are spent doing modest favors and helping out the townspeople or visiting the villages surrounding the kingdom.

when he’s in the castle you can almost always find him in the kitchen! boi loves to bake and cook. he loves the way food can bring joy to everyone. he often makes goods to give to the townspeople or the kids at the orphanage, where he volunteers at least every 2 weeks when hes not busy w prince stuff.

has an acute fear of disappointment. he feels so much pressure to prove his worth that came from growing up thinking if he did anything wrong he’d be sent back to orphanage, esp since his parents had another child. they wouldn’t want or need him anymore. he mostly got over this when he broke a vase when he was 12 and tried to run away from home, except he fell out the tree that he used to climb out his window and broke his leg lmao. his parents assured him that no matter what he did they would still love him and never abandon him, and his dad also taught him how to climb trees and roofs without dying (much to his mom’s chagrin). even tho hes pretty much over it, it kinda lingers subconsciously. thus, he overcompensates in everything he does and gets overly anxious about small problems

growing up he thought the stories that his dad told him about his past were so cool, despite the fact that he would almost always only hear those stories when he was being taught lessons of what he shouldnt do. he used to run around pretending to be flynn rider and his dad played along, planning play heists for them to do together (think scott & cassie in that one scene from ant man and the wasp) but they stopped when eli hit that age where he thought it was embarrassing to play w his dad. but, it really helped him bond w eugene and help him work on his coordination bc eli is CLUMSY AF

eli legit trips over nothing at least twice a day.

he bonded w his mom through art tho, which eventually turned into aesthetic desserts and meals! thats another reason why he loves baking and cooking so much.

when his 1st sibling was born when he was 5 at first he was jealous. he didnt get much attention at the orphanage due to the fact that there were so many kids and he was just starting to get used to the idea of having parents didnt have tons of kids always trying to win their affection and attention. he thought having a little sibling was the worst thing in the world and would hide from his parents bc if they couldnt find him they couldnt send him away. he hated his sibling.

until he met them. the second he saw their chubby face he was hooked. he swore that he would do anything and everything for them. and that continued when his parents adopted his other siblings as well. he absolutely adores them and acts like the protective older bro role

thankfully, with such a large age gap eli never rlly had to go through any of those petty squabbles that siblings usually have. he was always pretty protective of them tho and would fight when he thought they were being reckless and dumb out of his own fear that if they got hurt he would be an awful big brother (again, fear of disappointment)

he loves to travel bc his mom would always take him to these extravagant kingdoms and on these amazing sightseeing trips

this boy is hopeless when it comes to love. i can imagine lots of ppl liking him on top of all the ppl throwing themselves at him bc royal, but him being completely oblivious and thinking that no one likes him.

he had rlly bad ADD as a kid but its gotten better as hes grown. he still occasionally struggles w executive functioning tho and always gets rlly frustrated when he cant focus or remember

like i said earlier, clumsy af. no coordination. the only athletic ability he ever had was horse riding and running

that said he has a horse named may (short for mayonnaise. dont ask

he likes music a lot. prob learned piano at a young age

he probably is at the party bc royals? idk

EDIT: although (currently) unknown to eli, his true birth mother is maleficent. when eli was 2, his birth father took him away from her and had her suppress eli’s natural born powers. his father realized he was unfit to care for him, so he was the one who abandoned eli.

wanted connections!!

obv his parents and siblings? i mean cmon

one ( or both???? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) of his birth parents!!!!! they dont have to know that eli is their son or mayb they do and are too scared to tell him, but being trapped together will eventually make it revealed

childhood friends! people he met when he traveled w his mom or met at royal social functions? i rlly also want friends that he would hang w at all the royal galas and stuff and they would go do dumb stuff like look sneak out and look for secret passages of make bets of who could dump more crab cakes into the stuffy duchess’ purse when she wasnt looking

people who know him solely through his family

someone who likes eli and eli legit has no clue, no matter how much they flirt and drop hints

people who hate eli! or even just dislike him, which makes him upset bc he doesnt like the idea that there are ppl who dont like him in the world. mayb bc sometimes he gets super highstrung when things arent going how they should b and he like lashed out at them once or something. maybe they hate his parents and on principle hate him. idk

someone who was w eli in the orphanage

past relationships? i feel like hes never rlly had a bad breakup tho, its just that they prob just didnt work out. hes also bi so they can b any gender. hes still looking for his otp

idk, legit anything. send me those plots man

[kickthepj-rp]

Day 23: "Its Tradition" || The Theta Crew - The Ski Trip

Pjs family always went to the mountains for the Winter holiday. It was the same Resort year after year since they moved here. The parents found it and fell in love so they got a membership and now Pj knows it like the back of his hand. The resort was always real fancy and full of stuff to do. Pj used to spend hours doing all the activities it had to offer, he never noticed how his parents would basically disappear until the end refreshed and ready to go. But eventually he got bored, and complained about being alone. He didn't wasnt to go there anymore. "It's tradition." they'd just tell him.

That next year, his entire 6th grade class was invited to go with him. They loved it. There were endless amounts of food to eat. All types of games to play. They even got to ski and snowboard when ever they wanted. Plus the inside pool was heated so they could swim forever. Even the adult chaperones were impressed. No one wanted to leave.

Peej felt alot better with all of them around, though it didn't feel like a break if he was constantly in line for stuff. (How the resort handled it, he'll never know) So the next year he wanted something smaller. Peej had requested only a few tickets for Dan, Phil, and Charlie. They were the closest thing they had to home so he wanted them around as much as possible. That year was perfect.

Everyone else was of course disappointed. Some parents tried to find the resort to go themselves but it was exclusive, open to members only. And the money needed to buy a membership wasn't worth it. They talked with his parents and they explained that it was up to their son as they just needed playmates for him. No one could return without Pj it seemed. The next year, all of the Brits were going to England so he had extra tickets again. To everyone, they were golden tickets. He had alot of friends suddenly. Alot of people asking about his winter break. Alot of people telling about theirs. Sometimes he felt surrounded, wanting to shoo everyone away, but not having the courage to. He didnt know how to be mean.

In one of the classes, was a little girl who knew. She was never the nicest but she tried. She would say antyhing on her mind and no one could get in her way. It rubbed alot of kids the wrong way. She didnt have alot of friends which is probanly why she didnt speak anymore. He hadn't heard her talk all year. At the end of gym class, he went over to Shawna as she was flipping off someone and gave her an envelope. They stared at each other for a minute and Peej smirked then walked away.

In the lunchroom, he saw a little boy, he always had the biggest smile, and the biggest black hair. Him and Pj had a deal to trade chips. He'd get the British ones and hand over the American one. When Michael brought over his tray, Pj handed him the bag and an envelope. "I want you to come with me. I need my supply of chips." He said with a smile. Micheal nodded, smile as big as ever. "Its a deal."

Pj had his companions for the trip settled. People tried not to be jealous but everyone could tell something was different between them when they returned. There was an unspoken bond, but none would say a word about it. All they would talk about is the activities and food and how fancy it was. Shawna was even talking again. The weird thing was they continued on like before. Different friends groups, different classes, different circles, only speaking every now and then. If people didn't understand Peej then, they definitely wouldn't now.

The next year was high school. The gossip about the trip kept going around, talking a life of his own. There were upperclassmen mixed in with the people surrounding him now. They googled the resort and wanted in. Some wanted tickets as a sign of friendship between them. (Dan and Phil wouldn't stop being his friend over it but they were shocked they weren't invited) Most wanted the ticket to sell for money or favors.(Charlie wanted it to get back his new microscope that was stolen from him. Pj got it back and Charlie was happy to forfeit his place) Others wanted it to just gloat. (His relationship with Liz was rocky for a few weeks after that.)

He kept his same crew that year. That meant saying no to Shawna asking for extras or giving her own away. Micheal only wanted to bring his best friend Shane, and Peej rejected that too. It's weird how no one fought him about that, well Pj is weird so he didnt think twice.

His sophmore year, Michael moved away. He insisted the ticket go to Shane but Pj didn't take requests. Instead the was a brash boy who was always in detention across the hall from him and Shawna. He never failed to make them laugh or do something stupid. Pj bet him a ticket that he couldnt slide down the entire hall in one go. After a shitton of soap and two practice runs, Matt joined them on the trip. It surprised no one that they werent good influences on each other. The school branded them menaces after they got back, they were back to running in different circles but somehow found each other when mischief was needed. That kind of changed what the the trip seemed to be.

The hype of the ski trip simmered down. It was a myth at this point. Teens came and went, some believing some not. And Peej didn't seem like a snob. He was "mysterious and artsy and a badboy" though he never felt like it. He was just a nerd with a camera, some snarky words, a flirty disposition, and an addiction to pranks.

He tried to open up more. Connect with more people. Be social. He even found the cutest boyfriend in the world. It was good until November. Ethan asked for a ticket, having a list of people he wanted there and a list of people he didnt want there. Other people Peej got close to joked about the tickets but he could see the hint of seriousness. The Brit brushed it off. He intended to keep his same crew because at this point.... Its tradition. Nothing was going to change his mind.

Except for a new guy. He had gotten lost his entire first day. The boy was the happiest person Pj had ever met. The boy brought cookies to his first meeting to the "photography club"(It was a fake club Matt made on a dare. Peej and Shawna kept it going.) a few week later. Him and Peej had spoken maybe 30 words to each other in the past months but Pj was attached. One day in the hall he saw Thomas and invited him. Said he had a week research it, think about it, and decide.

Nobody could believe that happened. Despite that, they tried to convince him not to go. That it was for the bad kids. And they'd corrupt him. And shouldnt he be suspicious why Peej asked someone he didn't know. Ethan stopped talking to Pj but eventually forgave him when they planned a getaway of their own.

The day before school ended Thomas came up to Peej with a smile and a nod. Pj smirked and handed over the envelope. "Good. See you at New Year's." No one though Thomas could smile any brighter than the day he returned.

[dragonwitch77]

Death’s Flower ch 2

“Stupid kid. Stupid gods.” Snatcher grumbled, stomping down the seamlessly endless steps that descended down to his realm. A realm that only housed beings that had left the mortal world for good, where there is nowhere else to go when their life came to an end. A domain that had many names.

The Underworld. The Realm of the Death. The Underground. The Forsaken Place. The Domain of the Snatcher.

Pretty much those names were enough to fill in the mortals and gods alike of what was down there. Being the God of Death, souls of mortals were sent to his domain to be dealt with after their parting from the living world. It was his sole duty alone to do this task, whether he liked it or not.

And he didn’t mind it one bit.

In fact he liked that he was the God of Death. If it meant that others feared him and left him alone, then he didn’t mind reaping a couple hundred souls each day. It was fun to see others squirm in his presence, fearing when he might snap and attack them or prank them out of the blue. He may be the God of Death, but he had to have some fun once in a while.

He took in the site of his world as he reached the final step, standing on it as his eyes gazed over the world he ruled. Some would say that his domain was a dark place that didn’t even have a speck of light in it, but he could prove them wrong once they saw what a wonder his world was. It was like a kingdom of darkness, the only light coming from the pools filled with souls he had yet to judge, varying from bluish greens to deep purples and sky blue. As long as it wasn’t too colorful, his world was perfect.

“Boss! Boss!”

Almost perfect.

“What is it?” Snatcher sighed, stepping off the final step, letting the earth return to its natural state as it closed up behind him for another year before he could leave again.

His minion, one of many identical beings that swore their service to him, fell to the ground in front of him in a clumsy manor. Picking themselves up, they stood tall, or as tall as their pudgy small round body could only reach the height just half way to his knee. “Boss! Thank the Sisters you’re back! We just got a new batch of souls! It seems like a bunch a them had drowned.”

Snatcher rolled his eyes, sighing heavily. “That’s the third time this month. Honestly, how many idiotic mortals are going to die before they realize that fishing out in a storm is NOT a good idea?!” He walked past the minion, grumbling to himself as he went deep into his domain. “What’s the status on our current pools?”

“W-well, we’ve managed to sort out all the young and old into the pools they should go in. Few have tried to escape.” The minion followed behind him, listing off the things that had happened while the deathly ruler was gone. “The dogs were getting restless after you left so we set them lose on some damned souls to keep them occupied. A child recently died of an illness. Someone was stabbed to death. Moonjumper is here. And we still—OOF!”

The minion fell backwards, looking up at the long black hair of their master.

“I’m sorry.” The minion coward as Snatcher slowly turned around, his eyes illuminating in the darkness, staring down the minion. “Did I hear that right? Did you just say, Moon. Jumper. Is here?!” A deep growl emanated within Snatcher’s throat as his cape began dancing with power.

“I-I-I-I-I’M SORRY! We tried to send him away but he wouldn’t listen!” The minion shook with fear as the dark serge of Snatcher’s power radiated. “He insisted that he needed to see you urgently, but you weren’t here!”

“WHERE IS HE?!”

“AT THE TEMPLE! HE’S IN THE TEMPLE!” The minion openly wept as Snatcher growled with rage, running towards his home.

)*(

The home of the God of Death was, as the other gods described it, not as fancy or well lavished as all the other homes of the other gods and goddesses. It wasn’t made out of white stone marble, but black cracking earth and vines with sharp thorns that held it together. It was just as big as any home fit for a god, maybe even bigger than the rest of them, but was not very appealing to look at with crumbling pillars, broken floors, skeletons of the many deceased used for decorations and furniture, and bodies of past intruders hung on the ceiling to show as an example.

But while the other gods and goddesses would find the thought of going to such place disturbing if not revolting, there was in fact one god who did not mind Snatcher’s strange taste of design.

And the only god to get on his nerves.

“MOONJUMPERRRRR!” Snatcher screamed as he burst open the doors of his home, forgetting to restrain himself as his power tore the rotten wood off their hinges and clatter to the ground in pieces.

“Ah! So he finally arrives! Though I can see he’s quite angry as a beehive!”

Snatcher growled as he spotted the god sitting in his favorite chair with a bowl of grapes in his hand. “What are you doing here you pathetic excuse of a god?! You aren’t allowed in the Underworld without permission from me!”

The god merely grinned, plucking a grape and popping it in his mouth. “Permission from you? Oh how silly but true. While indeed most do, I however can pop in out of the blue.”

Snatcher stormed his way up to Moonjumper, slamming his claws into the seat’s armrests and growled dangerously. “I REALLY insist that you stop with your ridiculous habit of rhymes you—”

“Temper temper! There’s no need of this distemper!” Moonjumper rose from the seat, shoving the bowl in Snatcher’s hands. “I only came for a visit! Now that’s not such a crime, is it?”

The god giggled, going around Snatcher as he threw the bowl filled with fruit away. Most would say that the two were look similar to one another. But while their faces did seem to mirror each other, that is where the similarity ended. While Snatcher was thin, bony, pale skinned, golden eyes, had wild long hair that reached to the floor, covered in darkness and wore pants, Moonjumper was a class of his own with his short pure white hair, blue skin, bright red colored clothing with chains wrapped around his torso and neck, wild red eyes, and scars covering his face.

And majorly legless. Everyone could spot the lack of legs from miles away. And it was no secret to how he lost them in the first place.

“You little pest! How many times do I have to beat it in you that I do not want you here?! You have your own domain! Go use that instead of here!”

“I do not wish to be this pestering! I only dropped by to see what your mind is festering.” Moonjumper grinned, floated around Snatcher. “You seemed quite tense, I should know. Tell me, what’s bothering you so?”

“I don’t need to tell the likes of you!” Snatcher shoved past Moonjumper. “I know your tricks God of Corpses! Don’t think for a second that I won’t know what you’re up to!”

“But that is not true! I really came to see you!” Moonjumper followed him, keeping a distance between them in case the Death God decided to get a little… slashy. “Say all you want with your skilled tongue of lies, I can see it in your sad eyes.”

“Stop following me.” Snatcher growled. “I’ve already got enough to deal with, and your visit is not helping.”

“Indeed all this talking isn’t much help. Shouldn’t you be searching for the thieving little whelp?”

Snatcher froze in his tracks. He slowly looked over his shoulder, glaring at the other god behind him. “How… did you know something was stolen from me?”

Moonjumper clicked his tongue, waging his finger at Snatcher. “Oh silly Snatcher, can’t you see? There’s a connection between you and me. Though knowledge and memories we do not share, you tend to let you emotions go wild without care. Though it was only just very brisk, I could feel that the balance of the world is at great risk.” He grabbed to cloak that Snatcher never took off, pulling it up so that the tear was visible for both of them to see.

“For such a precious item that you deeply tend with care, seems that someone defiled it with a horrible tear.”

Snatcher swatted Moonjumper’s hands away, tugging the cloak close to him.

“This act is quite shameful, but who is very blameful? Mortal or god? This act has got me quite awed! For stealing a piece of the cloak that belongs to none other than you Snatcher, must be feeling deep satisfactory and rapture.”

“If it were a mere mortal that stole from me, they would die instantly when they touch the piece even by a little.” Snatcher glared at the tear. “No mortal can do such a task and get away with this without consequences. Even with help from another god, the task is impossible.”

“Ah! But to have a piece taken under your nose and gone! It seems that impossible was in fact improbable along.”

Snatcher shot a dirty look at Moonjumper. “… I don’t have time to deal with you. I have work that needs my attendance.” With that he stormed off, leaving Moonjumper to giggle madly at nothing.

)*(

“Thank you for coming Caitlin. I know this was sudden with what happened earlier today and with your help with the guests.”

“It’s no trouble! I was happy to help! Plus, I hadn’t had the chance to use my whip on someone for a long time now so I felt it was necessary for some practice.” Caitlin grinned, patting her trusted whip hooked on her belt. “Besides, I wanted to see the little cutie again~! I just can’t get enough of his tiny little fingers~!” The goddess purred, making Zaman laugh happily.

“Yes. Lyvia has certainly made a cute… child…”

“… Is something the matter?” Caitlin asked, noticing the sad look in Zaman’s three eyes.

“It’s nothing old friend. Just… Lyvia never showed any deep desire for anything other than looks before. I knew she had a soft spot for children, but… to go this far to make one. Without a partner no doubt. I… I honestly don’t know how to feel! I would never allow her to sleep with any man of course! She’s still too… too arrogant I fear. I feel like she only did it for attention and has no real desire to care for her daughter.”

“Zaman, old friend, do not worry!” Caitlin took Zaman’s hand between hers, grasping it tightly. “Your daughter is taking a big step. Motherhood is rewarding and learning. She will learn to be less immodest as she cares for her new child and learn to take her responsibility well. She now has someone who will depend on her and rely on her to take care of them. I’ve seen plenty of new mothers in my time and she’s no different.”

“But what if she strays from her duty as a mother? Children need constant care after all. I would know this well when Lyvia was but a small child herself and I had to raise her on my own.”

“Ah, but that is where you are wrong dear friend. You were not alone! You had friends who were willing to help. And now, your daughter has friends that are willing to help her raise her child when she is in need of that help.” She gave her friend’s hand a squeeze.

Zaman sighed, shaking his head with a smile. “You… are a very wise old friend. And very right. I’m still worried about her, but I will give her a chance at being a mother.” His smile grew wide as his three eyes gleamed with a spark of giddiness in them. “And it will be a joy to be a grandfather. After all, someone needs to spoil my grandchild!”

“Oh you!” Caitlin slapped his arm in good fun as the God of Time roared with laughter.

“Father? Caitlin? Can you come to the garden please?” Lyvia’s voice called out from the garden, catching both of the gods attention. They shared a look before heading over to the garden.

The garden was a beautiful place, filled with flowers and fruits, with decorations that wild the imagination of any mortal, and small animals that played in the trees and sang lovely songs gifted by the goddess herself. Lyvia was seated by the edge of one of the many lakes in the garden, watching the colorful fish swim about.

“Lyvia? Is something the matter child?” Zaman asked, approaching her quietly as her child was sleeping in her arms.

Lyvia continued to stare at the fish swimming in the water before slowly turning her gaze to the moon. “… Father? How, high are the walls surrounding the garden?”

Zaman, taken by surprise by the question, shared a glance with his old friend. “Well, very high my child. Why do you ask?”

Lyvia looked away from the fish, fixing her eyes on her father. “Is it not possible to make them higher? I… would like them to be taller.”

“Now why in the world would you want that? The walls surrounding the garden are very high already.” Caitlin questioned, one of her ears tilting down in confusion.

“I know they are high as they are now Caitlin. And you are right to question my sudden request.” Lyvia stood up slowly so not to disturb her child’s rest. “But, please understand. It’s for my child’s safety.”

“The walls are tall enough for you not to worry for her safety my daughter. I made them myself and with the finest builders! Why has this worry come upon you?”

“…”

“… It’s… because of him, isn’t it?” Caitlin’s ear flattened against her head, her tail dipping down low to the ground.

Zaman sighed. “Lyvia—”

“Please father! After what happened today, I’m worried for her safety! Not fearing the God of Death is one thing, but to laugh in his face is another! Have you ever met someone who has laughed in the face, the actual face, of death himself?”

Zaman’s mouth hung open, yet no words came out. “… well… no. I can not tell you who has done such a thing.”

“Exactly! You both have told me what he is like. He will not take this lightly! What if he tries to do harm to my child? Or worse, kill her?”

“Now now! There’s no need to worry about that!” Zaman placed his hands on Lyvia’s shoulders. “Snatcher has used his one day of walking on the surface of the living. And he may be the God of Death, but he’s never taken a life of a god before!”

“But… but what about the Dark Days?”

The two older gods cringed, looking away from Lyvia.

“… Snatcher… does tend to hold a bit of a grudge against others.” Caitlin spoke quietly, her tail swishing to and fro. “I’ve seen firsthand of what he can do when he’s pushed far enough. He can turn things rather ugly real quick.”

Zaman sighed, rubbing his neck. “He’s an unpredictable one. With a variety of tricks up his sleeve.”

“Please build the wall higher father! My child must be protected from his wrath!”

Zaman glanced at his daughter, looking deep into her pleading eyes and found great worry deep within them. He looked to his grandchild, seeing the peaceful look on her sleeping face. So innocent and untainted by the world.

“… fine.” Zaman sighed with reluctance. “I shall see to it that the wall gets built taller.”

“Thank you father!” Lyvia threw her arm around her father, hugging him tightly. “Thank you! Thank—Oh!” Lyvia pulled back as her child started to cry. “My poor baby, did mommy startle you? Oh, I’m sorry.” She rocked herself, heading off for her chambers.

Caitlin watched as the young goddess walked away, turning to her old friend with a deep frown on her face. “Would building the walls higher even make a difference? Snatcher is a crafty one and you know that walls won’t stop him if he really will go after her child.”

Zaman rubbed his chin, stroking his small beard. “He is crafty. Too cleaver for my taste, and, dare I say, smarter than me and the Sisters. And terrifyingly dangerous. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries anything, but I’m sure he wouldn’t try anything so soon. But then again. It wouldn’t hurt to prepare and add a little guard to the place.”

“Yes, but would it be enough to stop him? He can be very persistent on his tasks, nothing will sway him from what he sets his mind on.” Caitlin huffed. “To think… he was once one of us on equal ground.”

“Now now. The past is behind us all Caitlin. What happened, happened. There’s nothing we can do now but more forward with time of the future.”

“… Zaman… how… how can you be the only god I know who doesn’t hold on to the past without a deep grudge? Everyone else seems to still hold it against him for what he’s done but you—”

“Caitlin, let’s just say for now that we all were young back then. Snatcher may almost be as old as me and older than you, but sometimes, you have to look at all angles before you see the whole picture.”

Caitlin stared at her friend for a moment before sighing and shaking her head. “I love you old fool, but sometimes, even with the clearness of a cat, you still remain a big mystery to me.”

Zanam smiled. “Because too much curiosity can kill the cat.” He laughed as Caitlin gave him a solid punch to the arm, leading her back inside for a few drinks before seeing her off that night.

[glorifiedbones]

i dont know how to apply to a job really, or at least im not super confident in my abilities. my teacher helped me apply to mcdonalds. not you. what good that worked out. i dont even know how to apply to college. it doesnt matter how many videos or tiktoks or people i ask, it just doesnt click. i dont know why. im limited to having opportunities at my fingertips but nothing fucking makes sense. its so frustrating i cry. im crying right now. i could blame it on you for being the parent and not teaching me things, but i just fee that wpuld be wrong and shifting the blame even though its my fault for being so fucking stupid. i would blame you for not helping me but what do i fucking expect. i would blame you for the time i tried to apply to a college and it didnt work out out, but both you and my dad were upset that happened. i should go to a community college and go from there i know you guys are eight but i dont know how i dont know how to i dont know how i cam only watch so kich youtube tutorials before i want to blow my brains out but it doesnt make sense. it doesnt matter how much or how many or different people tell enthings i cant because it doesnt make snese. im so fucking stupid and its so upsetting because i feel like i used to be so smart. i want to kill myself so bad its not even funny sometmes and i try to compensate but putting it off but the trith is it doesnt matter how many years go by i know im going to kill myself it just depends on when and how. i dont know how to be a human in our society and if you cant even function like that i mean how can you really do anything you know? i can only live off my parents for so long and then that gets you where? i fantasize about slitting my throat so often its bliss. everything would be so much better for me and truthfully everyone if i wasnt here. you guys like to think it wouldnt that we all ahve something to live for but thats just fake lies we all tell ourselves because people arent supposed to want that. but i do and im not just being depressing about saying that because its the truth. i dont have anything worth living for no job no friends no super fool hobbies i sit in my room for 24/7/365 days and play video games on repeat. that isnt a life worth living and im not entertaining enough outside of that to be worth it. i cleaned my bathtub and sink the other day and felt so proud of myself i remember feeling so fucking good about myself and now all i picture is bleeding all over the porcelain. i play video games all day and write serial killer smut fanfiction and watch youtube and i dont have any real friends or real connections. all my online friends have other things going for them im not a missed space in their day. i used to get mad at my sister because she left and i felt/feel like she abandoned me. but the truth is she never liked me to begin with and we were never close. i say im happy she escaped but really im just happy shes not like me anymore. shes not depressed like she used to be and she has a husband now and the amazing career that i want. im so envious really. i cant even wish she doesnt have it because im so fucking happy she does. she deserves it. but what do i deserve? do i deserve anything? is it just me being depressed to say i deserve nothing? i shouldnt have even graduated highschool, literally, my mom did my online chemistry class because i couldnt do it and i cheated the rest. why did i do that? why did i chest so often? i wish i sat down and read the books and the materials and did the hard work. but the truth is i did that for so many years and sometime between highschool and middleschool it all stopped making sense. like a sponge so eager to soak up water i was knowledge, but now im filled up and cant take anything else anymore like the sopping wet sponge cant soak up more water. it’s pathetic because you can ring out the sponge and itll be good to go again, but me and my brain? you cant ring out my brain, im just stuck being this ignorant for the rest of my pathetic meaningless existence.

i should brush my teeth and take a shower. im disgusting for how filthy i am. i could just get up and go do it now? whats stopping me? absolutely nothing. i think it comes to point where i could just blame everything on my depression but it comes to a point where i just have to accept that im lazy and disgusting and dirty. im so fucking filthy. i want to scrub myself of these thoughts and feelings and behavior but i cant and i wont ever change. ill forever be stuck as this useless waste of space. im just a money pit at this point. im surprised my mom has put up with me for this long. you could say its because of love but i think its really just because she doesnt want to deal with the emotional fallout and backlash from the family. they would criticize her like the way they do for handling my sister. is she even my sister now? we are blood related but have no true emotional bonds. she hasnt replied to my facebook messages even though shes seen them. we arent family or friends she doesnt know anything about me and she doesnt want too. no. we arent sister and brother anymore but i wish we were. i miss her so bad. i miss being a child maybe if i was a kid again i could try harder. be nicer. be more diligent. but i could do that now couldnt i? anyways; the backlash from the family would absolutely kill whatever false emotions you have built up, for saying you dont care much about what they or other people think the truth is you care more than anyone ive ever met. its sort of cringe really. but i guess we all have our issues. im a waste of space and suicidal and your emotionally damaged. you never should have been a mother i know, you know, but you are and i am a son and it is what it is. i feel bad for being such a bad son. i wish i could have been a better son.

if jesus and god are real i hope hell isnt too bad. i would sit here and hope id go to heaven but im not the type of person that belongs there. but honestly i think hell is too good for me too so where do i belong? where do i go to be punished and corrected again? you could probably beat and torture my behaviors out of me but ill always be this useless and pathetic that doesnt fucking change. its a fact just like the grass is green and the sky is blue. i want to float and i want to be with the clouds and the stars. i want to feel the blood running down my body from my throat i want to feel the suffocating as my lungs fill with my own blood instead of oxygen and i want to feel the numbing pain that i felt from the time i cut my thighs and i want to die. so bad. i dont want to be here anymore. i sont want fo breathe i dont want to feel i dont want to be like this anymore. i dont want to exist but existing means feeling like this and feeling like this doesnt change no matter how much therapy i take or psychiatrists i see or pills i take or food i eat or dont eat or games i play or dont play. feeling like this is just a facet of my life and i would believe harder in god but if god is real why would he make me feel like this? or not make me per say but give me the opportunity to feel like this. so he can pick me back up again when im dead and make me feel whole? or send me to hell to fix me? that doesnt feel right or fair to me. i hope its all just black when i die. i hope its just empty and quiet. so i wont have to think anymore. i wont have to exist or feel pressure or be a waste of space i could just be.

i swallow the lumps inside my throat and sniff up the snot in my nose and feel the sides of my vision go from blurry with tears to relaxed contentment because i write this. it’s therapeutic to me. one day i will slit my throat wide and the blood will spray on the walls and the bathtub water with turn red and maybe ill be wearing my TMG merch shirt. the tan one with the robot on the back. i love that shirt. and maybe ill have a fresh haircut and just have taken a shower too. i used to wish bad things would happen to me and bad things did happen but no one cared still no one cared not really not at all. will anyone care when i carve out my throat? not the performance act but the true meaningful bond of care? no. not at all. one day i will slit my throat and ill bleed all over but today is not that day and when that day comes no one will care. no one at all. no one cares about you james you know that dont you? dont you see dont you feel it like that suffocating feeling on your chest? you can try to hide and pretend im not right but no one fucking cares james be fucking realistic with yourself. shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up. one day i will cease to exist and i cant fucking wait for it i cant fucking wait to die.

[crumbycarpet]

him.1

i dont know why i cant just leave him, if this was any of my friends relationship, i would literally tear them apart, but i dont know why i cant do the same for my own relationship. i dont think this is all about me being in a relationship, its about me being in a relationship with him, specifically. or its not idk at this point which is weird in every way bc i cant even get myself to count the reasons why im still staying in this relationship. i know its not love- not romantic love. i didnt left him bc i thought (and he said) he had no one else in his life. which is not wrong, actually. but its not really my responsibility, i didnt rip him and his friends away, he eventually realised everyone in his life was so toxic, now that he has someone who treats him as a normal human being. hes not lonely, im not his only friend. we had a ‘fight’ about why he never introduces me to him friends. its been over a year and he knows my friends, but i dont know his. writing this here makes me realise how dumb this all thing is. lololololol aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. okay anyways. he is opening and joining game servers with his friends and i always was chill about it. i thought maybe he wants his own space and thats completely okay. yesterday he said they opened an another server (again) and inviting me wasnt even on the table (again). he said something like we should play that game some time too! and i lightly and passive aggressively said something like oh in that 10th-ish server im not even invited to? thats so nice! lol and that lead to a pretty serious convo about how he has no one in this life that he can ‘proudly’ introduce me to. this raises 2 questions 1. are you not proud of them or me? if so why are you dating someone youre not proud of and 2.if youre really not ‘proud’ of your friends why are you still friends with them?? this isnt even about me. if you dont trust your friends enough around your girlfriend (also not to mention im talking about online friends, what can even happen) then what does this say about your standarts in human connection? this all thing is so stupid and just a waste of time and emotion. i cant belive i was sad bc of this i slept early. i cant even belive im calling him.1 in this shitshow of a blog. okay, anyways. i know i deserve so much better, anyone would. i dont know why i cant bring myself to breakup, and i know that would be the last thing he wants. i remember him immediately bursting into tears when i mentioned breaking up and he thought i was talking about us. anyways aaaa. we havent talked since yeterday after that stuff. i really shouldnt be bothered with all this stuff. bye

[for-the-brokenhearted]

1/23/2020

i am actually getting freaked out about how much time is passing without me logging in or anything. a lot of course has happened in the 7+ months ive been gone. its like a fucking pregnancy

ive literally been gone almost long enough to have a fucking child. i should start writing in here more, bobbi even suggested that. i had a meltdown at her house a couple of weeks ago and she gave me some really great advice....jase too.

i was upset bc craig and i had another fight. we had just gotten back from ny and i got sick with sinus infection and pink eye. wonderful. he came over and gave me some schpeel about...wait...schpiel? shpealllll....shpiel?? 

*clears throat* 

....about how he would like for us to be a couple that has great self discipline and shit... blah blah blah. im so annoyed. not only was it the most imperfect timing (me feeling as bad as i look) but as if i already didnt feel like shit.

this september, on MY birthday actually, we had a huge blowout bc i just couldnt take it anymore. i was sick of feeling fat, imperfect, ugly, not fit, all that jazz. 

what caused it all was him pointing out how i had bad posture while driving to his house. i fucking lost my shit.

“WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP POINTING OUT MY INSECURITIES I FEEL LIKE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU IM SICK OF THIS SHIT I SHOULD NOT FEEL THIS BAD ABOUT MYSELF ALL THE TIME AND IM SICK OF THE PASSIVE AGRESSIVE COMMENTS YOU MAKE ABOUT ME AND MY BODY AND I FEEL LIK EVERY TIME YOU TOUCH ME ITS LIKE YOU’RE EVALUATING MY BODY FAT”

to be fair, i shoudlnt have blown the fuck up. but come on. i had been dealing with this shit for over two years. since float fest, maybe even before that. which is awful bc i shouldnt feel so bad everytime i look in the mirror. 

when im with my boyfriend or future husband or whatever...i should feel like the most beatufiyl person, inside and out. like i can tell him EVERYTHING and not feel like i have to lie to protect myself. 

this is just scary bc the bottom line is lately i havent felt like that. in a long time. like prob over a year. which sucks. 

anyways, the solution i came up with was to not talk about food, health, or fitness for 3 months. yup. i laid down the law. 

but at the same time, i needed to. this had really manifested itself into something super super ugly. where when we went out to eat i would order what i would think he would WANT me to order, not bc he said anything, but bc of the pressure i felt whether that was coming from him or me. 

i would also lie about getting fast food by myself or feel happy when i would skip a meal bc it was less calories- these are very unhealthy behaviors and i did tons more.

i felt like the little commesnt like grande girl or glutton girl really got to me and he probably felt like he could make those comments safely bc i wasnt fat or unhealthy. but he made me feel like it. 

im still working on it everyday, but right now im hitting a wall.

Bobbi told me to start writing more bc i think the stream of consciousness helps me cope. and i know shes right. i tell craig the same thing and he says it helps him gather his thoughts and whatnot.

i went over to her house freaking out bc i found myself in a state where i’m afraid of everything- this is actually my current state. i just had a major realization. 

im afraid of love. marriage. committment.. running. exercising. living together. moving forward- even though that's everything i want

craig also said that he felt like hes not allowed to touch me and we havent had sex in a while. bobbi pointed out that this is probably bc i wasnt taking care of myself and bc I didnt like MYSELF so i didnt want anyone near me.

she was def right about that. 

so i started doing more for myself and prioritizing the things i needed to do over everything else. its been nice. i even took a bath today. and the thing is craig is happy when i do things for myself like that. which is great.

but im still defensive and i still reject physical touch. i dont feel that kind of love i felt for craig at the beginning and he probably knows that. weve been through so much and ifeel like i dont know what to do.

i feel like were so unhealthy and i feel like things are always so fucking hard. i mean you know whats batshit crazy....? weve been dating for almost 5 motherfucking years. 

im so upset. not that weve been dating for that long, but because i feel like were still in such a juvenile spot. i got made earlier in 2019 bc craig is JUST NOW thinking about marriage and is having a forward thinking mindset. justnow. i am 25. im just sick of dating someone younger than me sometimes. 

i want to be lead. i want someone whos there for me. i want security, reliabiolity, etc.

last night we atually got into an arguemnt over bobbi and jase: tl;dr i feel like hes weird aroudn them and didnt liek the fact that he says a ton of outlandish negative untrue bullshit about jase and its not even true. its just based off of the “vibes” he gets. i dont do that. i try to be as kind as i can to everyone and i just feel like he has a lack of tolerance. i dont like that. i want him to have a good heart and treat everyone as they should be regardless of their background, unhealthy habits etc. 

i just feel like maybe the more we grow old or whatever, the less compatible were getting. and im exhausted. i dont feel like dating anyone else i dont even feel like dating him sometimes.

something cool we did discover, along with the fact that i need to take care of myself more is that in the relationship i have alwasy been “on” or “on call” in a way of alwasy being alert and never at rest bc i feel like he needs me to show up somewhere and in a way it was my way of showing that i cared about the relationship bc it was always top of mind, wrong. i am tired and maybe thats why i always got on his ass about random bullshit bc i felt like i was always putting in way more effort than he was, bc i was. in a bad way.

I'm really lost and i don't know what to do. I've been in new Orleans (still am) for Kaltura connect and its been super fun to meet a ton of cool people. but i am so tired, I worked almost a 12 hour day yesterday and conferences are exhausting. 

maybe im feeling this way bc I'm tired? i just hope we get it back even though sometimes it feels like we wont’. our relationship has always been so volatile form the very beginning and i was hoping that over time it would get better. in some ways it has, in some ways it hasnt. 

i look at couples and marriage photos and see the love and the joy these other people experience and i wonder if i will ever get that. sometimes with craig i think yes, but sometimes i think no. what if this ends. i know ill be okay if it does but obviously thats not ideal. the thing is that were not even married and i dont feel that now, will i ever? will it come back? im praying for an amazing and safe but spontaneous love and ive been praying that for a while, i just dont know if ill ever get that with him. is this God telling me this is the end? then again,  ive felt like this before

like last year 12.23.18 when craig called me a slut and called my family psychos at the slc track bc i accidentally threw keys at my face. it took me the majority of 2019 to get over that. and to get over the fact that 4 months later i was going to be fired from wells fargo.

bottom line is im getting older and i feel like i don't have time for stupid bullshit or to feeol bad about myself, but the problem is that i still do. maybe this is just the beginning of the end. we love each other so much- i really do and i mean it. sometimes i feel like i could never be this comfortable with anyone ever again, but then again i said that last time with chad.

fuckkkkkkkkk i hate feeling like this. i hate being so unsure about everything and feeling like shit. i feel lonely bc sometimes our disagreements are so bad. i just want him to grow up and get over htis shit or maybe its just time to move on.

hes already done some growing up but i cant keep banking on that to happen in a long term plan bc what happens if he doesnt..... then what. 

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so  paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that?????  i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love

[survivorcostarica]

Ep. 1 - “Imagine suffering, imagine euthanizing yourself, imagine losing your will to continue on...” - Randy

i cant see pls send imitrex

i have a crush on cole, i'm in this game and virgin islands with him and i really like talking to him.  he is really genuine and easy to talk to, i feel ridiculous for admitting this but this was the first thing i thought to confess about lol

I want to shoot myself in the fucking face what is my tribe?! 

Cole is such a messy thot, Kevin is that but without being remotely good at the game, Arika and Julia are best friends IRL and 1000% will be working together. Louise is a fucking saint but that also terrifies me because I can't do shit against her without being a terrible person. At least Madison is really down to earth and chill even thought I've known her for two days and met her on Club Penguin. I don't know Bryce, Noah or the other one so they're 1000% my go to people right now.

Ohkay hi hi. My name is Bryan and I’m here to try and NOT flop at this game. Ok sooo. I’m looking at my tribe and i notice. My best friend Madison is here. Just kidding i HATE her. Or at least that’s what i will want people to think so we aren’t targeted for our friendship or whatever cuz we had BEEF in our last game. Um. Josh is also here. I was in another game with him but i didn’t really get to talk to him that much. Other than that cole and Kevin seem nice enough and are talkative so that’s good. I guess I’ll just be able to talk more with other people later.

Imagine suffering, imagine euthanizing yourself, imagine losing your will to continue on in an ORG you were last minute filled into. I literally hate this whole tribe so much, and I'm going into this game with the mindset that we are losing every single immunity and reward. When I saw the first three cast reveal posts i prayed i wasnt on the orange tribe. i actually believed and god, and asked him for forgiveness for all the sins ive committed and pleaded my case to on why i shouldnt be on this tribe. but, alas here i am. so its time to play i guess I'm not good with social game, and thats why i usually fail at survivor. I always have a good first few days, but then its just me being inactive and skirmming my way until my inevitable premerge eviction. But in this game im literally going to pull all the stops i can. I will start to set up my reputation as a good survivor player. And it starts here. Even if nobody pms me I will take this game by storm. Meaning right now its getting good with the influential such as Jay and Drew. They have a few buds on the other tribe, and working with them can only help me when we hit merge. i'm also going to keep Chrissa tight because she is just such a good ally, but its also going to be hard to protect her as she is such a shit competitor. But thats all plans let me talk about to cast Cameron: Love cameron our last org played together we made final 3, and he asked me to cut him. I will keep him under my sphere of influence especially since he said he isnt familiar with this group of players Chrissa: I also love chrissa. She can be a little annoying sometimes, but she always has good intentions. She is fiercely loyal, and thats something great to have in an ally because numbers are more important in survivor than big brother Constance: I don't like him. I want nothing to do with him. The closest association I ever had with constance was us two being on the same cast reveal post. And I'm far more than content with that interaction. He's from facebook, and that means he is going to stir the pot when there isn't any stirring necessary. He is going to make a move just to make a move, and if I cut him earlier the better. But if I can work with him, and test and experience how he plays this game. I do think it would be more entertaining Drew: I have good relations with him but really havent played an org with him. I have no intentions on backstabbing him especially in this cast. I do think he will either slide into the shadows, or emerge as the person calling the shots for this tribe. Jay: Same as Drew tbh. They're together as a duo, so anything one does the other will follow. I'm not going to beef with him Jill: I haven't met Jill before this. but she is the driest person i have pm'd in a while. Me and her are having forced small talk, but i dont want to lose connections with her yet. I'm hoping she isnt well liked or well received so she can leave. Reagan: Me and her have butted heads so many times in vls. If you wanted a fight. Its going to be between me and her i bet your hat. Sam: I dont know if he's a newbie or from a community. But me and him kicked things off really well, and I'm feeling natural chemistry with him. I'll keep him near my sphere of influence for sure. Roxy: Going against Roxy is such a stupid move. Because she's just going to waste her whole entire game trying to vote you off. She gets really bitter easily, and i dont know what the hell she's saying half of the time. I dont understand her game or her mouth so im just gonna let her be...

[12:25:40 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: dam stop tryna out do my intro  do I have to add my likes too?  tch [12:25:48 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: I like big BUTTS and I cannot lie [12:25:53 PM] Chrissa Bullard: lol [12:26:54 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: okay Ill admit idc about the size of your butt [12:27:01 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: even if you have a small butt id still potentially like u [12:27:12 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: but yall are gay so like  what can a straight gal like me do [12:27:29 PM] Chrissa Bullard: hello sam and roxy with her butt equality [12:29:22 PM] Jill: if u wanna be my friend add me and SAY hey bc i forget to add people [12:29:53 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: and I say HEY what a wonderful kinda day [12:29:54 PM] Jill: also msg me ur pronouns thanks [12:29:57 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: you can learn and work and play [12:30:26 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: my pronouns are "my lord" and "your highness" [12:30:51 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: I said I was a she cause dan didn't take me seriously even tho imma hella serious [12:30:52 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): my pronouns are he/they and they are actually serious :) [12:31:02 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: oi how dare you say I aint serious [12:31:36 PM] Chrissa Bullard: your highness is serious do not get my lords pronouns wrong :P [12:31:41 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: :/ I'm the lord and the queen roxy herself [12:31:42 PM] Chrissa Bullard: seriously though [12:31:47 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: of course my pronoun is your highness [12:31:57 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: thank you ! see? chrissa gets it! [12:32:02 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: look I even have a crown as proof [12:32:07 PM] Chrissa Bullard: true [12:32:13 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: i trans-itioned from being a commoner to being a queen [12:32:51 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: also if i don't pm you its cause i avoid social interactions at all times [12:33:00 PM] Chrissa Bullard: a mood [12:33:05 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: and i haven't left  my house in 9 days [12:33:13 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: apart from an hour once to go to the gym [12:33:17 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: i haven't recovered since i take medicine. its called coffee. it helps releave the symptoms of being dead inside

My tribe is probably going to be useless. Which means that we have to turn it OUT for immunity. Randy, Roxy and I are all attempting to make flags. I have faith in Randy's abilities... roxy, not so much. But she does have a good artistic ability, so I hope she turns it out for this. We can hope. We can hope.

Blah blah blah. Confessional confessional. The immunity comp is a flag making competition. Which means i can’t really participate. The one we have so far tho is super cute!! There’s a Julia on our tribe. I have to start learning people’s names. Ugh. Too much work. 

I think like our tribe will win immunity, looking at cadejo’s scores, they seem like flops I mean that tribe is super ugly so ya know… cute is gonna devour gorgeous. Anyways Anthony is doing great at the flag I gave him the ideas, he executed them for me so everyone is great. Also i got this red KEY

I really don't like my tribe but I think I like the other tribe even less just from the few people I've encountered before or at the very least heard about. If anything though that's great for me because I have all of two or three people I remotely care about so I have no issues with taking people out.

RANDY'S FLAG LOOKS TERRIBLE! but we're going with that one anyway!!! even though its literally furry meme nonsense!!! so i hope to god i dont get targetted when we lose bc i made an effort not to be a grumpy ass beyotch!

ummm roxy said she and sam wanna align with me!! it's so early!!! I may work with Reagan bc we worked together previously I think!! Everyone else seems fine. I'm gunna msg drew and everyone else tomorrow or later and say hey I've been napping!!! Go team

I honestly think im going because peop le don't tell me anything I'm scared 

[3/28/18, 1:55:57 AM] Drew (heuse1ac): "I love y-...ughch..." [3/28/18, 1:56:05 AM] Drew (heuse1ac): Cameron 2k18 im just gonna put this here ;)

Anyway. Here's some tea. Roxy thinks I talk too much about being in the hospital. Sorry sweaty, I'm disabled, I'm gonna be in the hospital. And I have the right to talk about whatever I want. ANYWAY, Constance, the literal loml, gave me this tea so that's great. I LOVE HIM. So we made an alliance of me and drew, because drew has a "bad reputation" (sweetie, you were the one making tasteless comments night one, let's not get it twisted here!!) We talk a bunch, we have good laughs, and we head to bed. I went into this round wanting to target Roxy anyway, but she just went painted a bullseye on her back for me!

This first round felt so nostalgic to me, in the sense that being gone from these games for a while allowed me to step back and revitalize the way that I play games. In the beginning of the game, I felt an immediate connection with Cameron. He is someone who has a really nice, personable outlook as a person and I could see myself becoming really good allies and friends outside of this game. I also really enjoy Drew, Sam and Jill. Drew: I was excited to see him in this game because we just met a few days before the game started because he flirted with me a little and I thought he was a nice guy in general. I haven't had the chance of getting to know him all that well yet, though he stated to me that he will not write my name down throughout the game when we were first added to the tribe, so I hope that stays as promised. Sam: We both come from the same community but we both individually transferred to Tumblr at different points in time. I don't know him well enough to say he could be someone I stay with for the long run, but I have had a few calls with him and he seems pretty straightforward about what he wants in this game and where he wants to go. I'll leave it at that for now. Jill: She is literally everything that is me. "I'm going to see my sugar daddy," "I am eating a whole barbecque chicken pizza to myself," "I need money" I LOVE THIS CHICK! We need to align and become friends for sure because I can't see myself without her! One smaller relationship I have is with Chrissa and that will require some work on my part, both game wise and friend wise included. We had a rough past on a personal note but we are working our ways around it to become friends again on a personal level, not even on a game level. I feel like if Chrissa is able to handle herself in this game with me the way she did in Arrakis ages ago, she should be good to go with me! The people I really don't talk with or connect with right now are Jay, Roxy, Randy and Regan. - Jay just hasn't spoken a lot, but that may be subject to change? - Regan has this huge negative perception that everyone has given about her and I'm honestly not about holding past games or whatnot against anyone. If she is as crazy or as ballistic as people say she is then that will happen on it's own accord. - Randy is..Randy. I'm not really putting a whole lot here. He comes off extremely weird to me and I'm not feeling it. - Roxy and Randy both share the same trait they don't mind expressing: their messy players. I'm not one to want to play with people who are going to knowingly make things difficult for me in this game moving forward. I feel like getting out people who tend to be wildcards for my individual game will boost my ability to better know the personalities I surround myself with. Intended Target: Roxy Reason: I had a call with Sam and discussed some feelings about the challenge for the flag that had taken place. In my individual opinion, expressing the idea of putting in effort for a challenge and then doing the opposite of what you said you would do, shows a false sense of sportsmanship and that bothers me. Roxy said she would make a temporary flag as a concept, but never did and constantly said "I'm lazy, so I don't want to do it." Adding on to the reason above, I was asked if I wanted to be added to a call with Sam by Roxy as they were both speaking with each other and I said I wouldn't mind joining. We both tried asking Roxy about potential ideas for the vote off and Roxy made it clear that Regan would be too easy to get rid of. Then came the critical point of the conversation where Roxy would bring up Cameron and Drew's names, stating that Drew apparently has a bad or weird reputation in the Tumblr community of games, but this is COSTA RICA not any other game. She also stated in regards to Cameron word for word that, "I just think Cameron talks about themselves too much in the main chat, and that brings people to feel for them more, and that makes them look bad" and this was in relation to when Cameron stated he was in the hospital. I found that to be extremely bothersome because otherwise, Cameron has never talked about himself constantly or anything like that. My intentions are to pull myself, Drew, Cameron, Jill, Sam and Jay to vote out Roxy. I started the idea when I asked Sam on call blatantly and he agreed and I calmly took it by step. That's all I have folks! I hope this works out and if for some odd reason I go home first, well then it was fun while it lasted! 

Okay so I need to catch yall up on how shit can turn into bliss SO reward I literally ate shit in. i scored to lowest out of everybody in the whole cast. Making myself inferior to competition flops like Chrissa. So that wasnt really well. However my soccial game has been stepping up. Even though im lacking a little bit in the pm part of my game. I have been having good chemistry with literally everybody in the tribe chat. I have also led us in the flag immunity. So me and Cameron made a flag. And the tribe had to pick which one, and it was pretty set even. I do think the end result wouldve been the same but it was nice to see people on my side and supporting me. So then we lose the tribal flag, and im literally yeeted away from the tribe. Which is really good since with this tribal vote i wouldve been thrown under the bus. allegedely roxy has been throwing names around, and had i stayed in the tribe it might of been my name that was thrown around since it was my flag that lost. so im happy to avoid the drama of the first vote. but now that people have bonded since roxy's polarization im starting to become more outcasted. I just need go stronger for immunities and amp up my social game even more. Since ive been to the other tribe I have a feeling on whats happening. Cole is aligned with all them bitches. Literally Madison Louise are people he's played with before, and when we talked in pms he said this tribe is full of his friends. He is very safe in his tribe which is really nice. Since the League of Gays need to work together at the merge : ~)

[faded9]

i dont even have bpd but i was in a 3-4 yr toxic relationship w some1 who had it and she would verbally abuse me nearly every week and stalk me and guilt me if i wanted to distance myself from her bc of her actions. after that, i realized that so many ppl will validate their actions even if they are knowingly harmful. even i do that, every1 does. so, like, since im still mentally ill and i'd still make a lot of mistakes with people it's not a good idea to seek out friendships/relationships 4 me

im tryin 2 not be rude but i read thru this msg a few times n honestly im so lost still??? like as in what do u mean?? the part i did kinda understand i guess is that someone wrongly used their diagnosis to use u (& others). n that that horrible experience made u think abt how ppl do wrongful things n try n somehow twist their abuse in2 a situation where they would actually be in the right. from then on, i get confused.

i understand trauma & being vulnerable, but i dont really understand why this person’s actions should make *u* the person who feels bad for it. does that make sense? like…… a bad, bad person hurts u. & now u see everyone as someone wholl hurt u or vice versa. n even worse, the shock was so big that it made u question urself; to compare ur every action n thought to this wrongful, damaging person’s.

she shouldnt be allowed to affect u, ur relationships. she shouldnt be allowed to damage ur worldview even further than she already did while she was hurting u. she is Waste & she shouldnt be allowed to spread her badness beyond what she did & damage everything else around u too. she shouldnt take away the joy ur loved ones want to & should bring u. she isnt allowed to steal anything from u anymore.

yes, some of us are v mentally ill, unbalanced, even. & its typical for us to make mistakes. we miscommunicate, we REALLY might not get along. but making a mistake is completely different from abusing someone, using one’s trait to exploit/hurt others, stealing someones trust by manipulating them. thats not a condition, a disorder, or an illness, thats simply evil. its exploitation. its the difference between “i really cant help it” & “this is what i intended to do and enjoy”. its when u purposely do something u know is evil & blame it on something else while u embrace it.

i certainly know how hard n Weird it is 2 Seek Relationships n connect w others but please do not reject it, dont take that away from u, from others either. dont let her take all that away from u. dont let a bad person ruin good things 4 u. take ur time & have as much distance as u need, but dont let it grow too big bc of someone or something other than urself n what is safe n comfortable. good things exist 2 be embraced.

sometimes i feel like just getting up in the morning is like a huge punch to the bad ppls gross stupid faces

[unproduciblesmackdown]

if you were around for the pre-end-of-mh days you might remember times i like to talk to myself extensively, pointlessly, and dumbassedly about my own thoughts, which go nowhere and solve nothing. literally ignore me, talking about bring me the spider cup, i wanna prank crimmins natcho. my proclivity towards trying to figure out mysteries is matched only by my total inability to do so.

firstly i was like ok, this doesn’t necessarily mean eno knows who this guy is, which i think is true but unlikely. he’s probably met him before and while i think it would be funny if this is all some roundabout unnecessary revenge scheme by someone who considers eno his rival, i’d think it was more likely eno was kind of in a position like wallace where maybe they just worked in the same place. (sidenote: he is so clearly evil how do people share an office with him. please fix this mess jerry)

becoz the thing is it was a bit strange eno said he couldnt take a client via a social workers request with the reasoning that he’d left that life behind him? because he is a therapist now after all. but it would make more sense if he used to maybe be associated with / work for a company like that. i dont even know anything about privatised versions of social work but maybe it could work like that. and maybe he worked with crimcrom because sure, maybe crimmins just murdered his way into head of a company or other unsavory methods, and/or maybe also he has actual experience in the field. because maybe he was working at the same place as eno?

because honestly if i was going to take a very vague guess of where the social work is involved here, its that if youre going to do terrible dangerous medical experiments on people, you take people who have connections without the wealth/time/stability to investigate or else just people who wont be missed at all. people whose debilitating struggles and unstable situations you actually have documentation of. and it does seem like everyone with someone missing was relying on kent and co. to find them, because they couldnt themselves, because their sibling/whomever had been targeted for that exact reason, that their family/friends wouldnt have the means to find them. probably this has been going on for a while and most people are just killed and those who arent are kinda just chucked out somewhere to be found by whoever

anyways, the thing with eno, the idea he was working with/for a company earlier is a bit confusing too because its confusing that kent and yumi were killed but eno wasnt? theres the chance that the attempt simply failed, but i had thought that maybe because eno wasnt the semi-public face of the effort like kent was or an official worker like yumi, maybe nobody who put the hit out knew he was even involved. but since im guessing we’re guessing crimmins was directly/indirectly involved in the Day Of Murder and he knows about eno, thats not true……but then its a bit fuzzier why eno wasnt killed if he wasnt just helping out as a friend but sort of associated with his work, like yumi was. maybe it was part of a longer con, like as might be made clearer soonish. because unfortunately i really doubt crim would show his hand like this if he wasnt secure in everything favoring his schemes currently

it also makes sense that eno had been in a position like yumi’s because im also assuming eno thinks its his own files that someone had got hold of. cuz if yumi and kent had the same papers, surely eno did too. and if he was just keeping them to himself it would be one thing but if he was using them with his work like yumi was, then maybe it happened like he said it did only with his file/company in place of yumi’s. which makes sense coz of why he is so uncomfortable and why he was so surprised about it. probably he didnt suppose it had happened until kip said it did, and he suspects it was on his end that it happened but doesnt want to say it because its unpleasant and because he doesnt want to say it to kip.

i was hoping that gayness would be the wrench in the gears aka kip wasnt supposed to learn of the link between kents files and wallaces, but maybe he actually absolutely was? it would make sense why crimmins was so keen to make sure wallace got kip to work with him. because unless it is remarkably nuanced i doubt part of his plan involves trying to get wallace to directly harm anyone, cuz obvs he wouldnt, he is just motivated to not get fired and hopefully do good work. but it seems like a safe guess that kip would see wallaces papers even though kip really should be getting paid for this, and maybe crimmins was assuming that kip had already seen kents file? because if he had worked with eno and gotten his files, he would basically know what must be in kents files. and it apparently wasnt a secret that the files had made it out of the fire with kip

but its a hell of a con because its like, it seemed like a bonus that kip realized the coincidence, because why would crimmins want kip to suspect that wallace is somehow connected with the scheme that kent was investigating / his family and yumi were killed for? but apparently he could guess that kip would meet with eno about it, because i guess he’s tracking one or both of them. speaking of, im hoping that kip hasnt just gotten jumped. im sure its a concern on the best of days that eno told him to be safe, but it seems ominous

just like it seemed ominous when kip told wallace he trusts eno more than anyone. wallace sure learned a lot in those couple of days, namely: he already knows where kip lives exactly and who with and that they are good friends (not sure how coincidental it is that they live in the exact same building, maybe its just convenient), who kip’s ex-boyfriend is and where he works and who he works with and that he and kip have Strong Feelings for each other, who kip’s therapist is and that he sees him once a week and is a old and close friend whom kip trusts above all others, and i’m sure wallace has been able to pick up that kip has a dead brother and theres a story behind it and its a touchy subject. i mean, that’s mostly completely irrelevant info to put into a report, but maybe not if it was relevant to mention that he was working with kip since after all his boss had told him to. but probably crimmins was guessing that if wallace was making headway at all, he had got hold of kip. and since apparently he has eyes on people, that helps too. fix it jerry

im not thinking that its ominous that kip trusts eno so much because he shouldnt or because eno has been lying all along or something—like, if eno suspects himself for being involved in something now, im supposing he hadnt thought so before or hadnt considered it mattered because everything about how everything happened was moot because nobody was going to be continuing the matter and everyone was leading totally different lives. and as for currently, its not like i think eno is like, having the past catch up with him aka he’s betrayed kip or anyones trust before. i mean maybe eno has some totally unrelated dark secret that can be held over him, but even then i doubt that it would be anything where he would be forced to do something to endanger kip to protect himself. rather, i’d guess he might be given more of a non-choice in which he has to do something that will endanger kip because the threat is of causing kip immediate harm. what seems worst is that crimmins is really showing his hand early here maybe, or anyways, he thinks that theres no possible way for eno to prevent whatever crim wants to have happen. which is like, bad

and if he knows how much kip trusts eno, which he probably does, thats bad too…

if wallaces only purpose though was to show kip the files he had, that also has to mean rousing kip’s suspicion…..also, if kip had known about kents files before he’d seen wallace’s, wouldnt he potentially be immediately suspicious enough of wallace to cut off ties with him? maybe that doesn’t matter idk. b/c tbh it seems like theres only so much you can do w/ wallace while preserving his “unwitting involvement in an evil scheme” status, you cant ask him to do anything non-job related. unless his reports are doubling as surveillance or something. but he wouldnt do anything he thought was harmful or over his bounds. even asking him to get kip involved was weird, but at least crim seemed to accurately count on wallace caring too much abt his job to object with stuff rather than simply doing what he had to to keep it

like, clearly something about kip is important to crim’s schemes but how could i guess what. because im guessing we dont have enough information yet, but even if you gave me the info we have now and told me to fill in the blanks however i wanted, i couldnt come up with anything. im really really dumb as hell and not creative enough to take the ventures required to come up with accurate theories. but ok, medical experiments, it could just be anti-monster, but it could also be pro-human which happens to be anti-monster aka more exploitative. cuz it doesnt seem like theyre “Kill All Monsters” as much as “its fine if monsters die but if theyre alive we’ll just dump them somewhere because we just literally assign them no value unless somehow they’re useful towards whatever’s going on here.”

coz kip has two powers: 1) he’s a beloved semipublic figure, and 2) ice and he’s cold

and he has one majorly exploitable weakness in that he’s very afraid for his surrogate family, generally more scared than the average person of being murdered horribly, and knows he has good reasons for that and also trauma

but it seems like if crim wanted to get hold of kip by threatening his loved ones, he could do that at any time? why would wallace need to be involved at all; he wouldnt. why does he need to tip kip off about his own schemes. why did he need to wait five years? why has there been this five year gap? simply development of the mystery scheme? or is it because kip has moved back to c and/or because kip is a semi-public figure again

coz reading between the lines but im supposing that kip had earnestly and strongly intended to follow in kent’s footsteps but was presumably discouraged from this when his family was murdered. but even tho he only told wallace about moving back to c because roy and molly missed it, in the intervention that gets sprung on him and other hints, it sounds like kip still considers himself dedicated to helping people like kent did, which is what his sjw blog is, but he’s majorly aware of the danger of that and unwilling to get anyone killed this time, which is a major limitation, seeing as that happened to him before and everyone is disappeared all the time w/o repercussion. except the repercussion of one tiny group of people who look into it and get murdered, except for eno

but also kip must not have been doing any Helping The Public stuff before he moved to C, because when he says he has to help wallace to justify having thrown so much away, and considering how he’d lost so much in the fire, presumably what he’s thrown away is his life with pascal. im guessing he couldnt have made roy and molly split from him even if he tried, but pascal apparently could be parted from. for like a week, but whatever. he’d been dating pascal before the fire, but if he hadnt been involved in any position of openly helping monsters before the fire and hadnt before moving back to C, that explains why he tried to convince pascal not to go with them.

anyways, uh, see ive lost track of what i was saying. that, while kip is so afraid for the safety of those too close to him, he can also be pressured into a riskier position. but thats by his friends and himself. but maybe if he’s going to be given false information he thinks is from eno, he could do other risky things too. cuz i doubt theres any real protection, as if kent and yumi and eno werent trying to be safe. im guessing kip’s just trying to keep his head down and his cards close to his chest. its frustrating because technically he was right to be immediately suspicious of wallace to the point of associating him with the death of his family and being afraid of helping wallace, but not because wallace’s personal intentions arent good. but still its going to be really awkward if kip gets an idea of what wallace is associated with. cuz its an extremely delicate process that would allow wallace to figure out what was going on and break the news to kip and have kip trust him, so delicate that i doubt it exists and anyways the odds are not in its favor. but its frustrating because i want people to not be friends and not feel betrayed by their bosses and each other and even better, to be friends working together to resolve murders and an evil scheme

anyways. what does crim need from kip. stuff he knows? i doubt he’s trying to corrupt kip’s blog, or otherwise exploit the fact that kip’s probably a trusted community figure. for starters, crim’s already been getting away completely with abduction, murder, arson, etc, for years. unless theres some new Phase of the plan that requires something new. but again, it seems like a big ol coincidence that kip and co moved to C five months before wallace was moved into their exact building with the goal of getting involved with kip, tho wallace obviously doesnt know about all that stuff yet. why does it matter that kips in C. did crim not know where he was prior? did he need kip to be involved in the public sphere so that he could catch hold of him by sending out a social worker too naive and earnest to focus on the suspicious evilness of his new boss? did he just not need kip yet???

it seems strange to consider that crim could like, blackmail or threaten either kip or eno longterm. like, is he about to make a move here. because yeah they both have reasons to be extremely protective of people, which can be leveraged. but like wallace, i dunno how far they could be pushed with doing anything obviously harmful, or doing anything for anyone so obviously evilly motivated. or how long such a chokehold could be maintained. eno being threatened with kip’s wellbeing and being pressured into manipulating kip in one way or another is one thing, and even then how could he be threatened more than once. how could he be expected not to do something to warn someone if the pressing is let up for even a moment? is the point to abduct eno maybe and make kip feel even more afraid, because that would probably admittedly be super effective, but i imagine kip would just withdraw completely from things like being involved with wallace, blogging, etc. but to try to coerce kip into doing something by threatening multiple people is trickier, and what could kip do?

the thing is that i could see kip as being targeted for the ice thing, because thats another coincidence, that he has a really strong ability that seems pretty unusual even for monsters. like, freezing freshly brewed hot tea in a few seconds is really something. and i’m supposing he survived the fire by freezing himself / ice protection, which is really really something. and maybe the fact that he’s also an sjw who’s always scared that someones going to get hurt or killed is just a way to get to him. coz maybe, even probably, kip wasnt supposed to survive the fire, but just be another casualty because crim and co do not give a shit about bothering to spare any monsters life. but the fact that he did, using ice, and that he had his brothers files, all probably wasnt a secret. i mean, the surviving and the files part definitely wasnt, but just knowing the place was on fire and he survived ok probs implies that he had the ability to protect himself somehow, and thats a really impressive ability

so like maybe whatever traits theyre looking for makes kip the ideal target. maybe for once they felt like they couldnt just steal him away normally, but idk why they wouldnt. for example if crim just wanted to kidnap kip, maybe he just has. but that seems like wallace wouldnt need to be involved and eno wouldnt need to be involved and why wait til he’s in C? he doesnt need flushing out to be stolen off the street; he travels to B at least once a week on a schedule and he walks to work.

again, probably theres necessary info we dont even have that will fill in a missing piece here, but even now im too stupid to expand on the stuff we know to imagine up something that would fill in that blank. im too horrible at reading/understanding peoples motivations to even fully Get basic interactions sometimes, and im too uncreative to even come up with stuff like say, guess what crim’s trying to develop over there. maybe theres something about moving from development to initiation that needs kip’s particular involvement (??how??). but why has there been five years of them having been left alone in D, maybe, although how do we even know that

idk all i know is im stupid and i dont like that everyone is going to be even more miserable and endangered and mysteries are a trial for me because i want to die and dont want to have to deal with dying on a cliffhanger, i’ll be an angry ghost. ive probably forgotten a tangent or two i wanted to touch on and that makes me an angry pre-ghost. w/e

[skiasurveys]

sorry for all these relationship surveys, everything else sucks.

A: Who do you like and why? Connor, my boyfriend. I honestly don’t really know, the moment we met I fell instantly, like we have this strong connection. He makes me laugh really hard, which is nice. He tells me what to do ( Not in a controlling way though). We like the same shit, we know how to leave eachother alone for a bit for our “me” time so its awesome. and hes great at sex.

B: Have you ever been in love? If yes, how many times, and how do you know it was love? I am currently in love and this is my first time, before  I swore i was in love but it was just literally the “I love you” not the whole Im in love and I just want you to be happy.

C: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in, and why did it end? currently the one im in is the longest :D

D: Have you ever changed for someone, if yes, how? yeah i have, 2 times. Back in high school i tried to act diferent around him because he didn’t approve how I was. which is bullshit. and then the other time was my senior year in Highschool and I tried to get his approval so i would hide who i truly was, which is stupid. I stopped doing that. If I change for someone now, its for the better.

E: Pretend I’m you ex, what do you want to say to me? You were fucking annoying. You didn’t get a joke, you literally wasted my fucking time when I couldve been with Him. You also chased me hardcore, pretty much felt like I had to date you. You pretty much blamed me for anything that went wrong. You were always about you, and you were annoying. Thank you for ending it.

F: Have you ever been cheated on?  i dont know. My one ex, Jack was long distance and I have this strong feeling that he did cheat on me , or that he was cheating on someone with me and  I didn’t know. He did some fishy things, so yeah.

G: Have you ever cheated? No.

H: Would you date someone who’s know for cheating, if yes why? no, if i found out the person I like is a cheater or known for it, i wouldnt go for them.

I: What’s the most important part of a relationship? The trust, the friendship/bond, and the comfort. You need to trust them, and feel comfortable and also feel like youre best friends.

J: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Serious.

K: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”? no. Breaks to me are just a waste of time. Its basically letting you both fuck other people and then come back and be like “nah”. I don’t do breaks. Its either were done or not.

L: How many people have you ever hooked up with? i never hooked up. I only fuck who im dating. and ive only been with one guy, which is the one im currently with.

M: What’s one thing you regret saying or not saying, doing or not doing in a previous relationship? I regret dating Dylan. It sounds fake but honestly I wish I wouldve just said No im not that into you. Because really  I wasn’t that into him but everyone told me how sweet he was, so i felt kinda like I had too?? In a way??

N: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? kids?? KIDS?? KIDS?? WHATS WRONG WITH THAT SENTENCE ? Kids shouldnt be having sex. You shouldnt have sex until you fully understand the consequences. That being mentally and physically.

O: Do you believe in the phrase, “Age is just a number?” Why or why not? well connor is 6 years older than me, Im kinda bias. But Im 20, and he’s 26. were both adults and consenting. If they are still a minor and the other partner isn’t, it’s wrong. as long as they are both adults and consenting.

P: What about “Love at first sight”? Why or why not? No one loves someone at first sight. You might feel lust, or a connection. but not love.

Q: Turn on’s? Neck kissing, pushing me down onto a bed, making out. also like sweet sensual stuff. 

R: Turn off’s? Trump supporters, racists, expecting me to be your chef, or do everything for you, being a cunt,  minimalizing my pain. lanky people. into hardcore drugs too.

S: What do you consider a deal breaker?  Cheating. Talking shit about my friends, abusing me.

T: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship? You get this feeling where you sit back and youre like “ I just dont like them anymore” or sometimes you do but you just know you can’t be together.

U: Are you currently in a relationship? If yes, for how long? If no, how long have you been single? I am, and its going to be 9 months in  2 weeks.

V: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? Yeah you can still be friends, of course it depends on how your relationship was and how it ended. There are exes I have that I could still be friends with and some I can’t. My recent ex and I are kinda friends but he pisses me the fuck off.

W: Do you think people should date their friends? you can, i don’t see how that is bad. My boyfriend is my best friend, so it’s like thats cool. we werent friends when we started dating though. It’s hard because it could ruin a friendship

X: How many relationships have you had? about 4 

Y: Do you think love can last forever? yeah, of course.

Z: Do you believe love can conquer all things? somethings, not everything.

1: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of? No. Unless my family was like “They are abusing you.” and there was legit shit, but not cus they didn’t like him. Lol

2: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? “dont date him because he likes you”

3: Do you think long distance relationships can work? Why or why not? so i did one when i was in high school for like 5 months. It can work. depending on where they are. Mine was awful. It was far away. and He was 7 hours ahead of my time, so everytime we would skype it would be at weird times like 8 am or 12 am like wtf and it was jsut dumb. But they can work out!

4: What do you notice first about another person? teeth and hair cuts lol

5: Do gay, lesbians, bisexuals or transgender people bother you? of course not.