#something something isolation lack of family and community idk

[red1ight]

literally why do i feel like im going to burst into tears every time i see my extended family

[angelstrawbabie420]

hmm i think i am not coping. very well

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

Okay something I haven't really had the words for so far is to describe the surreal weirdness of interacting with Current Events™️ as a ger.

Partially this has been me trying not to make this about my feelings, and partially this is a lack of ability to articulate the feelings anyway. But I'm gonna try because I think others might be in the same boat.

So one of the interesting things about being a Jew by Choice is that a number of us don't have any prior connections to Judaism. We are not culturally Jewish when we start, we do not have Jewish family or ancestry, and we are not joining a Jewish family through marriage. We just.... felt drawn. Called, if you will. A lot of us in that boat are seekers, moved by some moment of truth or divine connection.

At any rate, that leaves us in a weird position when it comes to Jewish cultural trauma, both new and old. We don’t carry the ancestral trauma of knowing we have lost literal family to atrocities, but we accept that may be our future. We don’t have the literal trauma, but the collective grief and community trauma seeps into your bones very quickly, the more you identify with the Jewish people. We don’t have the literal trauma, but we then worry about whether we also lack the resilience that has sustained Jews by birth throughout history.

"We are made of strong stuff! Your ancestors passed on their strength!" An excellent and true statement for many, but what if our specific ancestors did not? Worse: what if they were on the other side of the equation?

We are also confronting, for the first time, the reality of seeing how few people care about Jews outside of other Jews. For many born Jews, that makes this a time to consolidate into family, to hunker down. For gerim, we find strength in community but many of us have family that do not and cannot fully understand (and honestly many of us are praying our families don't understand it for any number of reasons.)

So we are processing this for the first time as adults, outside of a Jewish family. And it's surreal and weird and hard and alienating and you feel both like you are inside and outside of the community. You are profoundly affected, but do you have any right to complain? You chose this. You knew what was coming, probably. This kind of antisemitism? Brutally predictable, if you know Jewish history. You have survivors' guilt and secondhand trauma, but other people have it far worse, far more personal, and so it feels like there's no appropriate space to discuss that. You want to speak up and also, you don't want to draw attention to yourself. You want people to see you. You want to hide. This is the only thing anyone in your community can focus on, and you are struggling the same way. It's been two months and you need to snap out of this. This doesn't hurt you directly. But it does. It does. Because no matter how isolated you feel, you cannot separate yourself from your people.

Idk it's a lot. But I'm fine. I'm fine, of course.

[a-cloud-of-dust-and-gas]

“Hot Take” on Prison of Plastic

(!! Spoilers !!)

This isn’t actually a hot take, more so something I don’t think many people have noticed — but I understand if people don’t really understand/agree with what I’m saying at first.

There are many issues in Lorelai and Molly’s relationship that makes them unable to find common ground. One of them is Lori’s cruel demeanor, but not in the way most of the community thinks.

A character detail that I think changed from the webseries is Molly’s pushover mindset. She seems to accept her family’s neglect because she is too afraid to fight back at all (key word: “at all”). But after Giovanni’s influence, she makes multiple attempts to get her family to help, Lorelai specifically.

(I believe the reason why nobody tries to ‘fix’ Martin is because everyone knows he’s a lost cause — and Molly seeking support from Lori is her subconsciously thinking the opposite; there’s still hope for her sister. That also applies to her outburst in chapter 7, it was her last shot at trying to alter Lori or else she’d view her the same way she sees Martin; beyond help)

But of course, Molly’s anxiety didn’t cure overnight. She’s stepping in the right direction, but still can’t find the courage to act stern, which is pretty much what Lorelai needs (it isn’t as simple as it sounds, but we do know that Martin’s lack of care and Molly’s lack of emotional power only fuels her).

As a result of not wanting to comply, Lorelai acts very spiteful to put up a wall that most people can’t break down. This wall seems to derive from many things; grief, fear, immaturity, isolation, Martin’s neglect, and likely more. In other words, there isn’t a concrete reason as to why she chooses this persona. However, what’s even more interesting is how Molly reacts to it throughout the book.

Molly doesn’t take Lorelai’s words personally. Her breakdown/monologue in chapter 7 didn’t start because Lori was being too mean, it was because Molly realized she truly couldn’t get through to her. Lori’s wall doesn’t hurt Molly, it’s just very hard to enter the other side. As long as her sister keeps it up, Molly can’t do much.

Unless she stops looking for secret entries and takes a wrecking ball to knock it down.

But she can’t guarantee Lorelai won’t get hurt if so.

(I needed to get this off my chest idk why)

Last thing! I know Molly got really sad in the beginning of the book when Lorelai said Martin didn’t like her, but I can’t help but view that as a rare occurrence when Lori crosses a line. She was very rude to her sis throughout the rest of the book but Molly was clearly not upset over what Lorelai was saying, rather how she wasn’t willing to stop.

[fudanshipoe]

ranpo edogawa is autistic

a long analysis of ranpo's autistic traits (around 2k?? Idk it's long)

(there were meant to be wayyy more pics, including quotes from the novel, but I couldn't add more than 10 </3)

1) socialization

a) bluntness and literal thinking

Ranpo communicates in a very frank manner. He is always straight to the point in the way he talks and comes off as rude to the people around him. He’s self-aware of the fact that he does not act according to the social expectations of others and verbalizes this himself many times in the series. He does put others down for not being on his intellectual level, very frequently I will say, but that is not always his intention when pointing out the obvious to other people, and subsequently coming off as unintentionally rude. Along with this, he is a very chatty individual who goes on about his own findings in such a way that gives the impression that he always regards others with a flippant attitude, and while this is true to some degree due to his self pride, Ranpo does not always intend this to be the effect. Ranpo is not always aware of social cues relating to this, either. For example, there are many times when another character's words go straight over his head because he takes it at face value. Literal thinking is another autistic trait that he exhibits heavily in the series, and this goes beyond his ability to discern logical facts. Another point of his seeming social unawareness is his lack of understanding of other people. This is shown heavily within the Untold Origins light novel, Ranpo expresses throughout the novel that there is something everyone else gets that he does not, and that he is isolated from the rest of the world.

b) low empathy

Ranpo also has very low empathy. This is another common autistic trait, though it is just as probable for an autistic to be on the extreme opposite. One of Ranpo's most outwardly identifying traits is the flippant attitude he carries for others. Even his own personal motto is about himself, after all. So it's natural to assume he is just self-centered, but he isn't. Ranpo struggles to identify with other people's emotions. That is to say, his way of thinking is very literal, as I stated earlier. He struggles to conceptualize other people's emotions, but he expresses compassionate and cognitive empathy (desire to help and the desire to understand rather than what people typically think of “empathy” as, emotional empathy or feeling other people’s emotions). He voices himself that he isn't that great at sympathizing with people in the manga. At one point, before Atsushi joins the Agency, Ranpo weighs him as less important compared to the Agency because of his focus on protecting the Agency and his comrades, to which he does not recognize Atsushi as at this time. He does care about helping people, but Ranpo is more concerned with those close to him.

c) personal boundary issues

Ranpo struggles with recognizing boundaries with other people, both with personal space and his inability to conceptualize with others a lot of the time. In the Perfect Crime arc, he bluntly demands a lot from Mushitaro, something that he does often. Ranpo doesn't think about if he inconveniences others a lot. It isn't something that is a priority in his mind, or it goes over his head that he even is an inconvenience to people. It's another example of his not picking up on social cues.

He overall does not behave or think in a conventional way according to other people, and this is something that excludes him from the adult world in Untold Origins. He says how he isn't taken seriously by adults in the novel as well, something that is, like the rest of his experiences, is pretty common for autistic people for us not to be taken seriously. His friends and family at the Agency never demean Ranpo for any of his traits, though, and this support is extremely important.

2) sensory related issues and behaviors

Throughout the series, in the main manga and in the spinoffs, Ranpo expresses a struggle with bland food. He refuses to eat anything that does not have an intense flavor. Many autistic people will have restrictive eating habits, whether it is because of sensory reasons or otherwise. Some gravitate towards a bland palette because it offers a consistent expectation of an eating experience. Many others, like in what I speculate to be Ranpo's case, instead go for flavorful foods as a means of sensory seeking. I believe this is also a form of stimming for Ranpo, but I will go over that later on. He has some admittedly odd eating habits as well, such as weird pairings like Tecchou, and while it is likely meant to be a joke, it can be related to his other food habits.

Ranpo also seems to struggle with form-fitting clothes. He chooses baggier items for his everyday wear, which includes not wearing his tie or shirt correctly (he tucks it in the sides), and his big shorts. In this specific BSD:TOTL card he can also be interpreted as struggling with formal attire, too, because of his compliance only after being distracted with a sensory input, which in this case is food as per usual with him.

Stimming is essentially repetitive, sensory self soothing behavior. Every person seeks sensory stimuli to calm themself, but it's especially observable in many autistic folks and most commonly associated with neurodivergent people in general. Ranpo seems to be attracted to marbles from his ramune bottle, staring at them and rolling or holding them between his fingers. This could be taken as an example of visual and tactile stimming. Ranpo is almost always pictured eating some type of snack foods, or he opts for flavorful foods in his palette. This relates to his sensory issues, as I pointed out earlier, but it is also another way that many people seek out sensory stimulation, through oral fixations or for the taste. He is also shown with suckers a lot throughout the series, and I take this as Ranpo going for either the smooth texture of suckers or for that ease to have something to stimulate himself on hand. There are moments when Ranpo flaps his hands or arms when excited, or yet another example of possible tactile stimming.

3) comfort objects

Ranpo exhibits a dependency on Fukuzawa's glasses. Comfort objects are something common with autistic people, as the emotional attachment to an item could be related to security or other factors. He gets extremely upset when he is without his glasses, both because he needs them for his “ability”, but they also serve as an important reminder of Fukuzawa himself, who Ranpo values greatly. Ranpo doesn't care that it is a cheap pair of glasses. He values it because of its connection to his father figure. He has a meltdown whenever he is without it, or someone insists he doesn't need his glasses, like in Poe's Murder Mansion, when he gets upset towards Yosano.

4) meltdowns

His strong emotional reactions in moments like this are akin to that of autistic meltdowns, which outwardly appear to be oversized tantrums, but they aren't. Autistic meltdowns are an extreme involuntary physical response to stressors. One of the pivotal moments for Ranpo's character in the Untold Origins novel is his meltdown in the theater, which resulted from his ongoing frustration and isolation from the world around him, and this is a large part of many autistic experiences. This is one scene that personally got to me, as I have very similar feelings towards the world. It is one of the moments that was lost in the anime adaptation, as it shows the culmination of Ranpo's frustration and the moment where he finally breaks down. It does not have the same effect of conveying Ranpo's isolation and struggles. It is one of his biggest character moments, I would say, as it is the final precursor to Fukuzawa fully stepping in to guide Ranpo.

5) "childish nature"

Ranpo is dubbed as childish due to his stubborn behavior, his inability to do seemingly basic things, and his “self centered” attitude which is really his low empathy. He refuses to do anything that does not interest him, or that is outside of his comfort zone. He doesn't conduct his detective work in a traditional manner because it bores him, he negates the idea of having to handle things that don't interest him on his cases. Ranpo has a large lack of independence alongside this, in refusing to learn to do basic tasks, like his inability to navigate himself. He can't do basic tasks such as cooking or laundry either and relies on others to do them. Ranpo struggles to function independently, and relies heavily on others around him for support. His friends and family in the ADA never treat any of his traits as negative, they both indulge him and treat him as a normal person. He is allowed to exist as he is without judgment, at least in the Agency, just as the other members are.

6) aversion to change

Ranpo refuses to go outside of his comfort zone, as I stated before. There is rarely a point in the series where Ranpo goes out of his way to differ from his regular. He is insistent on the fact that he is a gifted detective despite being aware of reality. This is both in part due to his attachment to the idea and his inability to let go of the image he has resulting from his self expectations. He doesn't want anything to change in the way his comrades view him. Of course, this also connects to how he is so attached to the idea because it was the first way he was able to make sense of the world. He lashes out towards Yosano during a meltdown in Poe's Mansion, as mentioned earlier, due to her potentially challenging this idea.

7) restrictive and unconventional interests

While not every autistic person has a narrowed focus of interests, niche or ultimately odd interests are highly associated with autistic people. Ranpo fits into this very well, as evident by how he works. As established before, Ranpo has a tendency to reject anything outside of his scope of interest. He only handles the most gruesome of cases at the Agency or when he is needed specially for a case. His interest falls under an umbrella of the grotesque and weird. He only puts his full brain power on the main thing that matters to him, his detective work. While this is because of his position as the heart of the Agency with his abilities, Ranpo cannot apply himself to the same level on other things outside of this bubble, similar to how a lot of autsitic people have restricted interest expertise, it can take a lot of energy.

I do have more thoughts on this, but this about sums it up. Feel free to comment on it at all :3. This is just my personal thoughts on him, as I relate a lot to Ranpo

[fallenhunnyapple]

Idk if this is an idea that's come up before but its been living in my head recently.

Charlie was a Fix-It Baby. Lucifer and Lilith's relationship was falling apart, Lucifer's depression and Lilith's own personal agenda making them drift further and further apart. But Maybe having a Family could fix it! After all, they were together thousands of years and only had 1 child in the past couple hundred.

So they had Charlie and for a while, it helped. It gave them both something to mutually focus on. But it didn't last forever. They still had their problems and issues and lack of communication that couldn't be fixed with a baby bandaid. Lucifer, deep in depression, convinced himself that Lilith would leave and take Charlie with her. And it became a self fulfilling prophecy, because he started to isolate himself More. It wouldn't hurt as much if he already had the emotional distance between them right? Well it pushed Lilith to leave sooner and let the idea of "He doesn't care about you/He doesn't have your best interests at heart" settle in Charlie's mind, since he never bothered Trying.

And it turned out he was wrong. Putting the distance there beforehand did Not make the hurt less.

And he Knows he's responsible in big part for this rift between himself and Charlie as she becomes an Adult, so he doesn't know how to bridge the gap. Saying "I called you to hear your voice because I missed you" gets twisted into "I called you because I was bored." And with each failure to communicate with Charlie, it makes it that much harder to reach out again.

[jyndor]

I know some have a hard time with the word hate (lmao including my phone which autocorrected it??? bro let me live my life) but I truly, unequivocally hate some things. this is personal and it is also political but it's mainly just me trying to put my feelings of non-community, isolation and disconnect into words. probably not well but I put it under a read more so frankly if you're not comfortable with me saying things in inarticulate ways about my own history, idk what to tell you lol

tw for imperialism, genocide, depression, and the existential agonies idk lmao

like britain. not the land, not the individual people lol but the power and empire and the idea, in the same way I hate the united states. idk if there is a more accurate word for the feeling I have that is based in deep, deep hurt. like bone deep. hurt for damage they've done to so many peoples, but also like... over the past year I've begun to identify this emptiness inside of me - I was always looking for community and connection and identity as a kid so far removed from my extended family. I've always joked about how much I resent my parents for moving away from new york because they took me to a place devoid of culture but like I mean my parents got to enjoy the richness of so many cultures growing up, and they also had community (I am not including my mom's mom because she is a person I do in fact hate).

like... so when friends of mine growing up would have their confirmations, for instance, I'd feel sort of left out because I had nothing. my parents ran from catholicism rightfully so imo lmao, and my mom was so good about trying to find me a church to go to when I asked even though I didn't believe in God, certainly not in the Christian belief in God. we ended up in a unitarian universalist church thankfully but I mean I didn't really value it because ~angsty teen shit.

when I say I hate my grandma I mean I am so deeply hurt by her actions towards my mom and also me, and it feels like the same feeling that I get when I think of Imperial powers and how they've harmed both my own family and also so many other people who've had way worse outcomes than just isolation and loneliness and lack of community or identity, or the feeling I have towards capitalism which ofc is intrinsically linked with colonialism and imperialism.

this is something I am coming to understand about myself in my thirties. that i have always been a very, very lonely person. I think that's why the found family trope always works so well for me. because I'm beginning to find mine, and they aren't the people who I desperately wanted to find commonality with as a child.

it's funny because I've always viewed my politics as fairly separate from my internal life - like I couldn't see any connection between why I was always fighting with bullies and bigots in school, why I always immediately understood power dynamics and supported marginalized groups even if they had nothing to do with me and even if I didn't like know the details - ofc my first time hearing about palestine I was like... ?? how are they wrong for wanting liberation? even if I didn't know the history like I do now or like I will in the future when I've learned even more of it.

I remember this english kid (my first love lmao barf) doing a presentation on the troubles in 10th grade and asking like... lmao idk anything about this but how can you say that the british were the good guys here???? then I learned later the personal connections I have to irish history and it was like... I never even knew. I had no stories, no family history, no connection to a culture that my family came from. so there's this guy telling me, a descendant of the people he's blaming for the troubles, history that I should have known.

it's funny how every time I tell one of my friends irl that I do not respect my elders, I have to explain why - they eschewed their own story in order to have the security and safety of whiteness in the US. they continue to protect that whiteness with their money and votes, and have shown an absolute lack of respect to their descendants when we've asked them to hear us out.

I don't hate them though. I know there's a difference in the way I feel towards them and the way I feel towards the things, the british empire, the united states, that made them react the way they did. idk if that makes sense.

at least they aren't cops lmao I would legitimately hate them if they were.

[doitforeco]

One of the things I wish the most regarding aro/ace discourse is some kind of overcoming of the early stages of “validity and representation”. I understand that it is a recomforting and important point to reiterate the normalcy of our feelings (or lack of), especially when romance and sexuality are such a prevalent part of how  we define our humanity. But sometimes I feel that our communities have such a emphasis in rehumanizing the individual that it becomes very difficult to discuss the particularly isolating experience of being aromantic and asexual.

There’s the role that sexual and romantic discovery has in society’s construction of adulthood. In the series of milestones that allows us to divide the different stages of life, the discovery and exploration of attraction is always centered. However, aromanticism and asexuality are defined by the negative. It’s never about something you feel, it’s about something that you don’t. So, you arrive to adulthood with this feeling of incompleteness, because the actions (first kiss, first time) that should have been performed to confirm that changing of life-stage are just not there. We have already talked a lot about the infantilization of asexuals, and I think it comes from that: we really have no way to socially think of adulthood without returning to some form of amatonormativity.

It also has a very big effect in your friendships, at least in my case. There is a lot of socialization that we usually tie to sex and romance. Obviously, that depends on the group of people, but there’s this expectation of hook-up culture or romance as common elements of conversation. This not even mentioning the problems of being aromantic/asexual in a capitalistic society that privileges the nuclear family as a form of community.

Idk. I just feel like I would like to hear about the structural, systemic consequences of aromantism and asexuality, and how it individually and collectively affects us more than having to have another discussion about how not feeling attraction is valid and you can always have sex/have a queerplatonic relationship/ continue performing in a amatonormative society.

[explainslowly]

This feeling is currently being exacerbated into extreme by covid isolating, but I really do feel pretty removed from communities that idk, for a lack of better word, could be "mine" most of all gay men, but to an extent trans people in general...

Lot of factors to it, as it usually is, among them my partial closetedness, fucked up shit that happened to me, dysphoria/physical discomfort, so on..

I have spent considerable amounts of effort on connecting with people, ever since I realized that it was something I could expend effort on (which I only figured at 15 or so), and I'm not like completely unsuccessful but man sometimes it feels like clocking in to a shift of mining uranium, as my family says. Just exhausting.

[intentionallyjoyful]

February 23, 2023

Hi. I haven't "blogged" in years, not quite sure what's compelling me to now. I don't know who will even read this anyways. I've got a lot of my mind, as I've spent the last 2 days in thought whilst puking my brains out with a stomach virus and laying down in a fetal position. Yay for stomach viruses.

Little background on me: Almost 29 year old mom of 3 boys (5 and under), married for 10 years now, Christian, politically incorrect, Texas, SAHM, and homeschooling. I feel like that info alone will deter most people who find this blog.

So what's on my brain? Well, about 2 weeks ago I took Instagram & Facebook off my phone. I've checked it a couple times because groups/businesses, but not scrolling or going through stories. I initially removed the apps to focus more on prayer, particular when it comes to us finding a house. The house we finally committed an offer on recently did not work out mind you...which disappointed, God, but I'll trust something better is coming up. Regardless, it was good for other reasons too because social media definitely has a negative effect on me. I should probably remove TikTok too, tbh. Anyways, the biggest lesson I've learned thus far is that Not that many people give a fuck about you, and you also don't give a fuck about them. Yet social media gives this illusion that you all do. I also take less pictures/videos because even though I mostly did it for myself, I evidently was also doing it for others and because why? I don't know, like I need to prove I have a nice life or something, boredom, hoping someone will start a convo so not so isolated, Idk. I have a list I'm forming of people who actually reach out to me and who I think to reach out to and after a full month, these will be the only people I will actively dump my energy into, because obviously that's where it naturally fell. I keep finding myself being way too good of a friend to people who really don't care that deeply for me. It's really a shitty realization. On the flip side, I've noticed people who I hardly paid any mind to or would even call a friend insist that we're good friends, lol. Weird.

Speaking of energy, being part of a homeschooling co-op has been a total energy sucker. I'm not a group person, I knew this going into it, and yet I tried to go out of my comfort zone and continue to try to stick it out when I'm truly not enjoying it whatsoever. The kids love it though, we all get along great with similar values, it's just..... people are inconsistent and not as committed to the group. With me being the organizer, this leads to me constantly feeling frustrated by turnouts or lack of input/response, etc. I can't even fully explain it. I just keep praying for guidance on this and I know that if I was to just end things that it would end potential great long-term friendships for not only the kids, but for me. At the same time, I'm like if this isn't working out seamlessly already, why keep trying so much, especially when the effort is almost entirely on my part or people working through me, which I also dislike. Especially if I end up relocating further away from everyone since that's where our housing price-point keeps leading us.... shouldn't I be more involved in a community there?

Lastly, I wish my parents would move closer already. My grandma needs to pass, this poor old woman is miserable at 97 and barely hanging out. It's been thing after thing after thing. I hope and pray she passes soon and that my parents feel peace over it all. They are in desperate need of a break. Back when we lived closer to my parents, there were far too many issues. My brother was mentally unstable, my mother was in a terrible place physically and mentally as well, but fast-forward 5 years and things are so much better and now I just wish we could have simple family dinners or attend church together, get the cousins together for a playdate, or go on a nature walk with my mom. I always feel unsettled. Forever feeling like I don't belong where I'm at and that I'm missing something or supposed to be somewhere else. I don't know how to reconcile that.

And there's my first blog post. /end

[blueiight]

Something something about Fikhile and Claudia both being adopted through traumatic circumstances but having different perspectives on how it changed their life trajectory because of the community support they had or lack thereof. Don't know if this even makes sense, but just wanted to know your thoughts.

BLOOD AND WATER & IWTV? ANON I COULD KISS U… lowkey saw a bit of similarities in my girl fiks & louis in that theyre only a generation or so removed from oppressive antiblack systems (apartheid &chattel slavery) & occupy complex positions in these ‘post-x’ societies, both feel like theyre “playing a role” / isolated but now im also rly thinking of the fiks-claudia parallels..

fikile was a child of a lower class mom, unwanted by her family & trafficked to a richer family who loved her, but were culpable in the trafficking network that “adopted” her n love her in so far as she is able to be their golden child… the athlete, the good student, the good girl.. all that coming to a head in s1 when shes “exposed” for being preyed upon by her track coach who saw how she felt isolated& sexually took advantage of her vulnerability,,, fikile finding love in s2 w/ sam but sam being taken away by the system, and idk if u got to s3 yet but i dont wanna spoil it lolol. u can certainly see some parallels, in that claudia too was a child to a poor family but where she was first given away to abusive relatives & later taken in by rich vampire folk who completely subsumed her original identity (like!!! shes not a baby girl found on the side of the street shes 14… she had a last name, she lived long enough to have a ‘self’) & her being loved in so far as she can satisfy her parents (lestat and claudia bonding over the hunt vs. louis and claudia bonding over intimacy, while each parent both loved and loathed that part of the other they see in her..claudia as a rhetorical device in the lestatxlouis failmarriage, fikile being the clear symbol of thande’s infidelity..) claudia having a lover in charlie and being preyed upon and raped by bruce .. what makes fikile’s arc not a complete tragedy is that she has a support network in reece, chris (even if chris enabled some of her reactive ways earlier on), kb & the central relationship between fikile& puleng where puleng truly grows to love the person fikile & not obsessively investigating the idea of phume her mother clung onto that she once resented. but claudia dont rly have any of that. if only claudia had a batshit sister like puleng ykwim😭😭😭 she got madeline but she want #more outta dat one lolol. claudia flew out of the cage only to fly str8 into the lion’s den lol. she gone be down w/ the theater but we all know how that went down.. brilliant thought anon ily

[ventingoutmyass]

7.19.24

idk. like. sometimes you want to say something because you know time is limited, but you just don't have really anything to say at that moment.

I don't want to leave everyone with nothing. it's hard to connect the person you know with their words from years ago, when they clearly had plenty to say in the last months. but I don't really have much, I suppose.

I guess a goal would be to say as much as possible as time runs out. I know how frustrated I get, trying to read what I'd written when things were at their worst to find nearly nothing.

I guess lately I'm thinking more about what's important, and what I want to be important. the last few months I've been seeing glimpses, real and naturally occuring habits of true friendship and loyalty. why did these skills come so late. why did I have to get them just as time is running out. but I know why. because other than my brother, I have one good friend. not counting distant family or exes that I go months without talking to. one friend, that talks to me literally every day, and has for years. one that's always done everything right and somehow, I began to replicate it. having one friend meant being able to focus on one friend. for years i juggled dozens of people who relied on me as much as this one does, and i wonder how i was ever able to convince myself i could do it. I've had much guilt for this one friend, for being the only one I couldn't push away. I knew the fate that would come. and I've been selfish. and I can't bring myself to regret it anymore. I've forgotten what friendship felt like. she reminds me.

I've worked on my project more, just in silly little micro projects and more character exploration. I suppose a goal would to be to create something cohesive, that could be shared along with this. probably not, but it's a goal.

I've been reading more, both books and fics. keeping lists and reading easy stuff has kept the motivation high. whenever my brain is equipped, I'm usually reading.

video games have been big for me for about a year and a half, since I was gifted my switch. every single waking moment was spent on animal crossing for about eight months. and that's when I still worked at the coffee truck, almost all of my time was freetime. stardew valley a few months ago, I have over a thousand hours logged between the two. don't ask for specifics I will not admit them. and the last week or so has been the pokemon sword game I got for my birthday that I'd forgotten about bc there was stardew valley to play.

trying to be good to others has been a challenge. getting pushed and pulled in different directions for different people has been hard. the emotional labor is unreal. but people deserve it. if I'm able to give it, it's duty. balance is key, balance is struggle, balance haunts every single moment of every single day and man... some days I do cave and just run to the drive thru and mindlessly watch easy to digest YouTube. yesterday was one of those days. I usually have one about once a week. variables that make any given moment difficult never stop. theres always something that's slowing me down. you may call it excuses. I call it living disabled.

the no new friends rule was my effort to die as selflessly as possible. but I seemed to overlook something crucial.

the human experience is selfish. we live and die alone. we are dangerously social creatures fated to isolation in this state of the world. we crave human connection. we may be so far disconnected that we don't know it, but we all do. I'm far from the exception.

once again, I remind you this could've been different. separation from eachother, the lack of community, brought us to this. ignorance and loss of proper communication brought us to this. it could've been better with solidarity. it could've been better if certain people, hundreds to thousands of years ago, hadn't decided to take far far more than they needed. if we lived without poverty and fear and borders and everything that disconnects us, I could've lived. with the social support and patience and accommodations, I could've made it. if life could've been easy. if I hadn't been taught so endlessly from so young how little my efforts count. if I hadn't been berated for every way I exist from so small. this conditioning never would've occurred. I never would have rewired that first time. I could've been an extension of my twelve year old self, before I was so harshly put out.

if the right people listened. if the right people noticed. if the right people stepped up. the right support net could've been everything. I know it because I see it for others. some grow up to craft it themselves. lack of options always stopped me, the roadblocks I possibly could cover always stopped me. more recently the desperate fear of loss stopped me from looking for anything worth keeping.

I suppose I have no option but to seek it.

what's left to lose?

[evilkitten3]

@senjufound @obitoslover gonna respond to all three of you together (sorry for the delay but. i either did not notice your reblogs or noticed and forgot. impossible to say. i am the king of being oblivious. whoopsie)

first, concerning the backstabbing thing. very often, when characters are extremely untrusting, they tend to constantly be on guard for betrayal (which amusingly can manifest in them getting betrayed specifically because of that). madara is an odd subversion of that. his trust issues seem to have more to do with a lack of faith in others' abilities. in the cases he worries about safety, it's never his own. he worries that the senju will betray the uchiha, but he doesn't worry that hashirama will betray him, which. uh. whoops.

when madara offers sasuke the opportunity to join him, i think that may have been some kind of twisted kindness. i think he felt that, since he and sasuke were the only uchiha left (unless you count obito who was. basically on black zetsu life support at the time iirc), he owed sasuke an out. i don't think it had anything to do with any resemblance sasuke had to izuna, personally, i think he would've made that offer regardless. they're family, and he very much understands not wanting to feel isolated from your family. ofc sasuke doesn't give two fucks about him, so that's that. he tried, sasuke said nah, that's all he owed him. oh well. bye kid.

i was reading something about a week or so ago (don't remember if it was like an article or a fanfic or something lmao just that it was in japanese) and the author commented that madara seems to be a character with high pride, but low self-esteem. i think that was referring to pre-edoten madara, but i think it's an interesting take. he's very, very aware of how strong he was; he's not remotely insecure about his fighting capabilities. he's so confident in those that he walks around with his back completely unshielded even after dying bc someone stabbed him through the back. but at the same time, in spite of his power, his life has been one failure after another. he was never strong enough to protect his siblings, never strong enough to secure the uchiha clan's safety, never strong enough to truly put an end to the bloodshed. he was the most powerful man alive.... save the one person he really needed to be stronger than. the senju and the uchiha had been fighting for who even knows how long, but it's under madara's leadership that they effectively surrendered (hashirama can pretend it's a truce all he wants but. well. honey), and when he realized where konoha was heading and tried to pull them out, they had no more faith left in him. and i.... can't really blame them for that, unfortunately.

the reality is that madara's communication skills are g-dawful (unless, apparently, he's communicating doomsday prophecies to the teenager trapped in his post-divorce misery cave, and even then he needs to coordinate a different teenager's death to get the message across), and he seems to be the sort of person who assumes that trying to clear things up is entirely pointless. i guess it's like he,,,,, doesn't believe in rhetoric? only overly complicated gambits. gorgias would eat him for breakfast lmao.

anyway, i don't think it's fair to fully blame the uchiha clan for making assumptions when it's very likely that madara just,,,,, didn't tell them a lot. he went to that last pre-konoha battle with hashirama seemingly all by himself (at least in the manga idk about the anime) and no one knows what happened there but him. sure, they might've guessed that izuna gave up his eyes, but we don't know what state izuna was in prior to his death, or if there were any witnesses. it's very possible that it really did look like madara stole them, fucked off to kill the senju, got his ass kicked and surrendered instead, and then tried to pull out of a peace treaty that, as far as they could see, was working out pretty well. we the audience know he want to protect his family (note however that we know this thanks to hashirama who was both biased to begin with and also very intentionally framing his story to be more sympathetic to madara than, say, tobirama's version would've been), but unless he made those feelings clear to his clan (he almost certainly didn't), then they wouldn't necessarily have a reason to believe in him.

moving onto the image, madara doesn't obito unfriendzoning him as betrayal bc he has this extremely weird,,,,, kinda double view of him? not really sure how to phrase that. to madara, obito is both another him (therefore trustworthy, therefore unnecessary to consider a comrade bc. that's just him) and also like. the closest thing to a friend he actually has. which is seven billion different levels of pathetic. ofc obito rejects first the latter and later the former bc. he does not particularly like madara all that much (can't imagine why. kids these days just don't appreciate getting new bits grafted onto them while their worldview crumbles to ash around them like they used to smh). however, madara mostly seems amused by obito's declaration i think bc as far as he's concerned it's nonsense. madara has never for a second considered that he won't personally be gobbling up that tasty tasty ten tails and getting that sweet sweet six paths power. he believes in it so absolutely that the suggestion that it won't be what happens is just. like a joke. of course it will. it's his. what are you talking about.

hell, after he says he'll let obito decide what's next, he.... kinda sticks to the background for the rest of the volume. i'm not kidding; that scene is pretty much smack in the middle of the volume and madara only has a handful lines that aren't "...." or "....!" for the rest of the whole damn thing. most of what he does say is internal or seems to just be him talking aloud to himself. out of what little dialogue he has for the rest of the book, he only has one line that's clearly him talking to obito, and it's this:

・・・！！焦るな・・・！それでは十尾が傷つく上お前も・・・ "...!! don't be impatient...! then not only will the ten tails be wounded, but you also..."

in his own extremely fucked up way, madara does care about obito. i don't think it's like. healthy for either of them, but he cares.

one pet peeve of mine in founders-era fanfics is when madara's whole,,,, everything is solved by izuna just being there

like maybe this is just me, but i don't think izuna surviving or even coming around to the idea of a truce with the senju would've been enough to keep madara from the path he ended up on.

izuna wasn't the reason he left - he was definitely part of madara's issues, but he wasn't the why. even if izuna had stuck around, and even if that had been enough to keep the uchiha clan from losing their faith in madara, i think he would've still come to realize konoha wasn't what he'd hoped it would be.

best case scenario, i think izuna's survival might've caused madara to stick around a bit longer, but i don't think it would've lasted. honestly, even then, that might've just made the inevitable break-up between madara and hashirama even more agonizing (particularly for izuna)

it's a fun idea to play around with for sure, but frankly i don't think canon!madara could've ever been 'saved' from that path. certainly not if the hidden village system ended up getting set up in the same way.

[olderthannetfic]

I know this is off topic but this is so wild I have to ask: which culture has this seven generations rule to avoid "incest"? Like seriously, does one pull out the Ancestry DNA results or family trees and compare them before you date anyone? If this is a real thing, someone please provide a link because I'm having a real hard time imagining any culture or country requiring anyone in 175 years (based on a 25 year average for one generation to the next generation) not to have *any* links. //

Idk if its the medium, but this came off as lowkey judgey to me. BUT assuming anon was actually curious, this is a thing for Hindus.

Lots of communities around the world keep track of lineage (isolated farming communities for example) so idk why the concept was so weird for anon. And like many isolated communities, there can be an established practice of not marrying within the local community/village

Also (like many cultural norms )I don’t think it’s REQUIRED required?? Like…there’s nothing stopping you from marrying your 2nd cousin, but most people born and raised in that culture probably don’t want to?? And the people would face some level of social ostracism but the exact amount would be dependent on the specific granular community. It’s not like people will spontaneously burst into flames if they do marry their 3rd cousins lol. I could give you sources, but unless you 1) can read Devanagari script 2) understand Sanskrit/old “pure” Hindi 3) understand the cultural norms of Vedic society, it’s pretty useless to give them to you. Also this…demand for a link is a super super western-centric way of thinking. Like just because something hasn’t been written on the internet for you to consume does not mean that thing does not exist. Sometimes the actual lived experience of people matters.

“If this is a real thing” <— Like I’m sorry you can’t imagine a cultural norm that’s so outside your lived experience?? Idk what to tell you, but like…the world is a big place.

Yeah, the entire tone of the ask was pretty dismissive and indicative that anon would be super ethnocentric with any sources.

(OMG like if you CANT IMAGINE — lack the ability to even remotely allow the possibility of the existence of a forbidden incest relationship — why Why WHY would you think the sources/links would be in anyway accesible to you??? Have you considered that the REASON it’s so INCONCEIVABLE to you is bc you haven’t heard/read about BECAUSE YOU LITERALLY DONT HAVE THE ABILITY TO READ/HEAR about it. like maybe…maybe…maybe…maybe there’s a bunch of cultures/cultural norms out there that you have never heard of. Maybe. Possibly??)

--

[artificiallyimplantedmemories]

[ ooc: FINALLY got around to this, after the foible this morning with it, so this is try number 2 at ep5 liveblog/commentary... under the cut as always ]

this has a speedrun/summary version of impressions the first third of it because I’d already watched all of that before tumblr ate the post so I might miss stuff idk. and then after that it’s my typical sporadic livebloggy madness. this got SUPER long oops

We have a lot of motifs in this episode, including the bloodied shield, the use of the shield as essentially a giant blunt blade rather than a shield, the conflict between different people’s interpretations of what ‘fighting because one has to’ means.

Walker is running from himself at the beginning, but where does one run to when the war is in your head? Particularly poignant for me (because I know that in the comics he joins the army to emulate his deceased brother) is how deeply the loss of a brother-in-arms cuts, but even more so how much the thought that he’s disappointed Lamar hurts. I think that in some ways, Lamar may have been a part of John’s moral compass, and his sustained belief in him has always helped him. It’s a reversed parallel to Steve and Bucky, actually, and I could elaborate on that but it might turn into an essay.

John tries to walk away from the fight at first, partly because he has other priorities, and partly because I think he does genuinely recognize that Bucky and Sam are good people. Of course there’s also the layer that he thinks of them as the original Cap’s sidekicks and therefore as the new Cap shouldn’t fight them, but… anyway the fight sequence is interesting to watch because it does show John as fairly well matched with them despite the fact that MCU Bucky has the serum. Part of this might be their reluctance to kill him while John has given up the façade and is now willing to do that in order to further his own plans as long as he doesn’t get caught. He cannot lose the title he’s given or he’ll be lost, now that he doesn’t have his best friend.

“Don’t go down that road. Believe me, it doesn’t end well.” “I’m not like you.” The difference is that Bucky was brainwashed. Yes, he’s still ruthless even after he’s broken free of it, but he’s taking conscious steps to be better. And thus the determination behind the “Yeah we do.” The shield deserves better than being in John’s care.

I paused to write and stopped on this face I’m laughing

The “why are you making me do this?” is obviously coming from a place of delusion but also speaks to how John’s personal motives are super unclear. Why did he take on the mantle of Captain America when it was established from the very beginning that he wasn’t completely comfortable with it? Was it, as he told Lamar, because he wanted a chance to be good? (In which case, obviously he’s having a breakdown about not achieving that?) Was it for his ego? Because he was commanded to? Having a John muse makes this a very interesting thing to explore.

Seeing Bucky’s arm get electrified and him knocking out because that’s directly tied to his neural implants was not any easier the second time around oof

“This isn’t you, John.” Further proof that Sam Wilson has more heart than legit anyone else, he’s still trying to believe that John is good.

I find it interesting that they have John remove the cowl in order to growl “I am Captain America.” It speaks to a rejection of what the old Cap was (though the cowl is the US Agent / updated Cap one) and his insistence that his version of Captain America is valid. (It’s not.)

Also because my literary obsessed reads way too much into tiny things that the show runners probably didn’t really care about as metaphors, I definitely saw the ripping of Sam’s wing as a reference to the restriction of freedoms by the US government lol just ignore me on that.

Bucky and Sam repeatedly saving each other’s asses is my jam. Also Sam using the power from the wing pack keeps reminding me from my observation back at the beginning that he’d do so well with full out repulsors. Tony totally would have set him up with that if MCU hadn’t killed him alas.

More of me finding parallels where there shouldn’t be any: they broke Walker’s left arm, just like they took away Bucky’s left.

I took a screenshot of this image when I watched it in the previous round, and it’s still going to haunt me. There’s something so tired and haunted and defeated here.

Bucky gives Sam the shield, because there’s nobody who deserves it more. The look on Sam’s face when he takes it and tries to clean the blood off of it (physically and symbolically of course) is heartbreaking. It’s a man who regrets his decision not to take it on originally but also now has to deal with the implications of both taking on that responsibility (in a country that doesn’t treat him fairly) and whether people will approve of anyone carrying the shield after John has fucked it up so badly.

A note that carries over from my first watch: people don’t usually refer to their enemies by first name. It’s done in comic books and movies with some frequency to remind people who is who, and in this case may also be a bit of humanization for Karli, a reminder that she is a sympathetic character despite the vicious way she does things sometimes. I also appreciate them reminding the audience that she’s competent and has a lot of support.

ALSO TORRES MY DARLING I’VE MISSED YOU. I wonder if Sam letting him keep the wings will actually develop into something (a la comics) or if they’re leaving that open ended. Also his smile is literal sunshine I’m not even joking about this, please give me all the Joaquín content thank you. Just look at him!!

I think by this point most viewers are fairly convinced that John Walker is Not A Good Man, but I think that his rant about always having done what he was told and done it well is purposeful and poignant here. His motives have always been to serve, but the matter of who he’s serving (or more importantly what - the military machine, the government that simply gives orders without thinking of the personal ramifications for those who carry them out) is put in contrast to Sam and Bucky, who are also veterans. I can’t help but draw parallels to the Nuremberg trials, people who did heinous things under orders and try to use that as an excuse for their innocence. It’s a reminder that a person doesn’t have to be visibly part of an evil group in order to do evil things. I won’t outline everything here but at least as far as the US Military goes, more info can be found at https://www.thebalancecareers.com/military-orders-3332819 about how and when it is defensible for people in the military to disobey orders.

You can hear John’s voice break during his rant, the conviction that he was doing what he was supposed to. He could have gotten away with more if he hadn’t been such a public figure, but an “other than honorable discharge” lmao what a diplomatic way to tell him how badly he fucked up xD

Also hey it’s Olivia. Most people forgot that John has a wife. (I’m glad she’s telling him to visit Lemar’s parents, they deserve that.) Also is this Valentina or is this a Skrull? Only time will tell.  (She’s probably not a Skrull, FATWS is too short for that, but on the other hand I’m not sure how I feel about the implications otherwise. Is she a SHIELD infiltrator? Is she manipulating him on SHIELD’s behalf? Did they steal the name and get rid of her backstory?)

The resignation on Zemo’s face during his encounter with Bucky (especially with a gun to his face) is unnerving. Zemo calling Bucky “James” made Natasha outright glare though. Her priorities are a little odd. But I’m glad Bucky didn’t kill him, I’m glad he’s not allowing him to be a victim of his conditioning. The Dora Milaje are taking him to the Raft… oh wait there might be Skrulls after all.

“If you ain’t bitter, you’re blind.” I feel that. I feel that hard. But I also understand the misplaced blame, the tendency for people who have been Through It seeing anyone outside their minority as their oppressor.

For someone who has dealt with the immensity of the trauma that Isaiah has, including the experimentation, the social isolation, the experience of being in the jail system for so long, it’s no surprise at all that he would be quick to assign blame. Add to that the risk of being killed for being part of an experiment that you didn’t agree to partake in early on, followed by extensive experimentation after? There are so many factors at play: violation of self, lack of agency, lack of safety… D: and the physical reminders of them are everywhere. look at the scarring D: D: D:

The range of emotion in this is so good, the acting is so good, I’m just overwhelmed with how honest this feels. 

“They erased me. My history. But they’ve been doing that for 500 years.” OOF

The crease in Sam’s brow when he’s told that no self-respecting black man would wanna be Captain America, there’s such righteous indignation there, but he has to temper it in the face of Isaiah’s grief. Over and over he proves himself capable of putting compassion first and foremost.

This sibling dynamic has been really nice to see. There’s tension, there’s individual struggles, there’s support (not always in the ways it needs to be, but they’re trying), but more obviously there’s a depth of love there. Seeing it is so rewarding.

LOOK AT THE WHOLE COMMUNITY SHOWING UP!! Oh man so this gets me, because I grew up in a neighborhood where we supported each other and threw block parties and everyone trooped into our backyard to play on the swingset that had been left behind by the previous owner. It wasn’t family, sure, but we took care of each other. In India, it was even more so, and even now when I go there, I crash at my next door neighbors’ place instead of my family’s house most of the time. I miss having that sense of community, that closeness to people because we all had each other’s backs. Where I live now, I don’t even know most of my neighbors’ names. It sucks.

Ahh, there’s the part that I’ve seen the gifs of, with Bucky showing up at the boat. I like the idea that Bucky has slowly come to think of his metal arm as more of a normal part of him despite the ache and heaviness of it. Of course in MCU, he has the serum so maybe he doesn’t notice as much, but I can’t imagine he wouldn’t experience phantom pain in it until at least he internalized it as his own body part, and even then the shoulder joint would probably ache. Still, perhaps it’s more akin to an old injury than a foreign object now, and therefore Bucky still does what he would do naturally, using his dominant hand instead of the ‘enhanced’ one.

I have Feelings about Bucky saying “I’m Bucky” with a smile okay I HAVE FEELINGS

Bucky must have worked the docks a lot way back in the 40s. His level of competence is one of natural instinct, he’s just used to it. I wonder if he worked extra to help pay for medication for Steve after Sarah passed away… oh, more feels :(

Meanwhile Sam is over here doing his human best and I love that. He calls in the crew to help, relies on people, but it never stops him from being a part of it. He’s not taking a managerial role, he’s another tooth on the gear.

“They don’t care if you wear small tee shirts or have six toes or your mom’s your aunt” lmao my brain went ‘You don’t happen to have six toes on your right foot, do you?’ ‘Do you start all of your conversations this way?’ But also look how happy they look here!!!

“Don’t flirt with my sister. Because if you do I’ll have Carlos cut you up, feed you to the fish.” SAM YOU’RE SO RIDICULOUS. But also the way Bucky goes a little pouty after. <3

Lemar’s family! Okay so Walker is straight up lying to them about who it was that killed him, but given the circumstances, I don’t expect anything different. And perhaps part of that is to assuage the family about the fact that there’s ‘justice’ done, but part of it also has to be a slight ego play, and you can see on his face that when they talk about him resting easier, his jaw sets. He’s going to go after who actually did it, whether he has the jurisdiction to or not. He does seem genuinely regretful and I will reiterate the brother-in-arms bit above. Walker needed Lamar as a support system, a confidante, and a nudge in the right direction.

What is Bucky thinking about when he sees the kids playing with the shield? Is he remembering his own childhood? Is he thinking about a future where the shield will be valued and honored and carried right again? Is he thinking about what it’s like to have a family, and missing his own? I need to know these things -_- -> WAIT I THINK IT GOT ANSWERED DURING THE TRAINING MONTAGE. Oh it’s even more than I thought augh. The closest thing he’s got left to a family is the shield because Steve was as much a part of it as it was a part of Captain America dfsjhdgfsd

Sarah telling the boys off! Good for you, girl. (Also I’m laughing at “she’s a very mean person” and “there’s a prowess that goes into my madness” pfft Sam)

“You gotta stop looking to other people to tell you who you are.” is SUCH AN IMPORTANT SENTIMENT. And “You want to climb out of the hell you’re in, do the work.” As someone who deals with a lot of mental illness bullshit, this is the TRUEST statement. Yeah, you might need help. It might be therapy, it might be meds, it might be other coping skills and distractions, but if you don’t want to be better and do better for yourself and face the rawest and most uncomfortable parts of your psyche, you don’t improve. You stay complacent, stay stuck in that rut, doing the same things that didn’t work before. I need to say it doubly because you know some people are going to say that Sam’s not giving Bucky the support he needs to climb out. IT’S NOT HIS JOB. He will choose to give support when Bucky asks/needs because he’s a compassionate person, but this speech right here is compassion, it is exactly the tough love he says it is. Bucky needed to be called out on not coping and I’m glad that it happened.

….also now kiss, thank you.

“We’re partners.” “Co-workers.” “But we’re also a couple of guys with a mutual friend.” “Friend’s now gone.” “So we’re a couple guys.” XD -cue vine- two guys chilling on a boat and…- wait that’s not how it goes.

“This is our history. We can’t lose this fight.”

“But what would be the point of all this pain and sacrifice if I wasn’t willing to stand up and keep fighting?”

Training montage! I hope he doesn’t slice his fingers off on that shield yeesh. Also my Clint muse is watching those flips like oooooh the dude’s got moves on the ground too now, oh no.

Okay we get that the Flag Smashers are going for intimidation but the trope of the red lighting makes me laugh every time. Nobody is going to turn out the lights and then turn on a different set of conveniently red lights that probably weren’t normally installed in that building. Even emergency lighting wouldn’t look like that. It’s just funny, I dunno. And of course we get a cliffhanger ending.

Post-credits we get John’s new shield being built, and all I can say is 1) if he’s able to pound that out, clearly his new shield isn’t vibranium, and 2) LEARN HOW TO WELD NEATLY AUGH THAT WAS AWFUL XD

Overall thoughts: Good episode! Not a huge amount of plot furthering, aside from the very last bit, but good insight into characterization and believably building the relationship between Sam and Bucky while also reading into motivations and differing views from people who come from similar circumstances. I’m really enjoying the compare & contrast I’m getting to do between Isaiah and Bucky and Sam, because there are so many overlaps and stark differences between them. The first half also gave us some great headway into understanding John as a person, though it’s possible some of that is me overanalyzing because I have a muse for him.

[kitkatopinions]

Jaune for the character ask?

I honestly love this kid, but he is a problematic boy, so I’m looking forward to this!

My top three ships for the character

Jaune/Ren is my new favorite Jaune and Ren ship. This is really recent, but the more I think about this ship, the more that I like it. They’re tender, they compliment each other, but they still can challenge each other... I just think they’d be really healthy and cute. Jaune/Neptune is my next favorite ship for him. I headcanon that Neptune had a crush on him in V2 (I also headcanon that all his flirting with girls was a front, though, that he put on to ‘be cool.’) But yeah, Jaune is dorky and cringe, but he learns and grows and turns into this strong leader and kinda a heroic figure, and Neptune puts on a ‘super cool’ act, but has his dorky moments and is an academic, who’s clearly a follower and I think he’d start to admire Jaune. And then, Jaune/Pyrrha as a ship has a lot of problems, and I don’t think it’s an ‘end game’ ship (I mean, she’s dead in canon, but if I was writing a fanfiction where they were in a relationship and she didn’t die, I’d have them break up.) But I do think they could be cute for a stretch with some great interactions and they looked good together. They’re a ‘start-dating-love-each-other-break-up-still-love-each-other’ ship and I’d have loved to see it.

My three least favorite ships for the character

Jaune/Penny is pretty bad because he’s killed her and whether or not she wanted him to, it still soured the ship for me. Jaune/Emerald and Jaune/Mercury are tied here for the next spot because contributing to the death of someone’s ‘might’ve been something’ best friend is gonna be a permanent mark against the ship imo. But the very worst Jaune ship I’ve seen is Jaune/Cardin. Cardin’s a bully and an abusive jerk and Jaune deserves way way better. I can’t see Cardin ever shaping up, and I feel like if they met now that Jaune’s older and has changed and grown so much, Jaune would just view him with an amused sort of contempt.

My biggest criticism for the character

The RWBY writers spent too much time framing him like the main character and giving him way more character growth and strong, emotional scenes than the actual main character. Jaune is a great support character, he thrives as the team-medic, Ruby’s best friend, support and back up where it’s needed. I’m not saying none of Jaune’s character beats should’ve existed - his storyline is one of the stronger storylines in the show - but this is supposed to be Team RWBY and specifically Ruby Rose’s story. They’re supposed to be the four main characters and yet all of them are constantly taking a backseat. Jaune isn’t the only offender in stealing tons of time and the emotional character beats that should go to Team RWBY, but he is the most frequent offender. I love love love Jaune, but I’d love him more if I wasn’t sitting here shaking my head at how the writers apparently can’t write a compelling story about four main woman heroes and instead have to give the most emotional moments of the finale to Jaune while dumping all of the mains out of it (one of them isn’t even in the finale at all!)

My favorite thing about the character

Jaune’s growth is just... Good. One of the best character journeys in RWBY imo. He starts out a gangly teen leagues behind everyone else who doesn’t understand his team, can’t stand up for himself, is throwing himself at girls in a desperate attempt at making himself feel better about his massive insecurities, refusing help from the people who care about him because he has this idea in his head that he has to do it all himself. But you can tell there’s a lot of potential and he cares so much. ”I’m tired of being the loveable idiot stuck in the tree, while his friends fight for their lives,” he says. Then he opens himself up, starts to learn, starts to improve, starts to stand up for himself, starts to get to know his team more. And I wish we’d seen more of that sprinkled here and there throughout the first three seasons (although of course I don’t want the extra focus if Ruby doesn’t grow too!)  But he’s still not keeping up in fights, still struggling at times and needing reassurance, and now going through the pain and grief of losing his best friend and almost-girlfriend. He lashes out, he’s aggressive, but he’s also much closer and softer to his remaining best friends, becoming the much needed family they’re both lacking, while being a great friend to Ruby. Then he becomes a huntsman, and while there are cringe moments and frustrating writing during V7 and V8 just like there are for almost every character, he still has some great moments. I actually love that everyone else didn’t want to take a mission of helping a bunch of kids get from point A to point B and Jaune did, because Jaune was just happy to take a mission as a hunter. I love that when Jaune was reasoning with Winter in V8 and accepting ‘if you go into that whale to get your friend, I can’t wait for you all, you might die’ and he understood that and didn’t try to argue it! He definitely lost some braincells in season 8, don’t get me wrong, but dang, I do love that consistent growth. It’s a shame Ruby didn’t get the same treatment.

A headcanon I have about them

I headcanon that Jaune was raised mostly by his sisters and that his parents were always working, and he had a lot of successful, high-achieving, talented siblings who were all a lot older than him and took care of him, so he wasn’t neglected at all. But he did grow up with an element of isolation and loneliness, not because he was ever really alone, but because he was always alone in his experiences. He was always the baby, always the only one struggling, his sisters always only able to come at his problems from the perspective of ‘I went through that ten years ago’ if at all, and Jaune always felt not even second best, but eigth best and I’m just realizing that that last one probably came from Ron Weasley omg. But I also think his parents loved him and tried to communicate that to him. But they really struggled with Jaune because things never came easy to him the way they did for the others and he was a sensitive kid a lot different than his dad (who I just decided did the whole toxic ‘I want a son to play baseball with because I can’t do that with a daughter and now my only son isn’t good at sports and idk how to talk to him because he’s sensitive and not manly’ thing.) So yeah, that’s part of the reason why Jaune struggled so much when he first got to school.

What I would change about them if I was making a re-write

Honestly, just reducing his role a bit and increasing Ruby’s role makes him so much better. No more being the only person who’s allowed to express grief, no more ‘Ruby is unconscious while Jaune gets to weep over Weiss’s wounded form and unlock his power while she’s out for the count.’ No more ‘Jaune’s the leader with the map and the special emphasis in the V4 opening, Ruby acts like his support character.’ No more ‘he’s the only one who can ever resolve issues and mediate and comes up with most of the plans.’ No more ‘Jaune is the one who gets the finale big moments with Penny despite not even really talking to Penny and he gets the climatic end and he goes on the special spirt Island void place with the mains to get extra attention. Jaune gets to thrive as a central support character.

What I I think of their character allusion and what (if anything) I would change about it

Okay, right off the bat, I’ve got a big problem with Jaune’s allusion. A. I already think there’s a bit of a weird lack of line in what they’ll make a character allusion, but I think ‘a meme’ and ‘an actual historical figure’ should’ve been where they drew that line. And B. Jaune  he started the series in a place of toxic masculinity, which feels weird when it’s a real life person regarded as a feminist icon. So I would definitely for sure just change his whole allusion. I’ve been thinking about maybe Lucy Pevensie from Narnia? Older siblings, no one believes (in) Jaune, but he proves himself soon enough, Jaune winds up following what’s basically a god (Oz,) Jaune is the healer (juice of the fire flower,) and he comes into his own as a brave and valiant leader, but recognizes the authority of others, struggles with jealousy and feeling unprepared, but his pure heart drives him... Increase his devotion to Ozpin and add one or two of the classic Ruby gimmicks would make this pretty easily done.

So there are my answers to the Jaune asks!