#something happens and she lashes out. defense mechanism.

[lunaccult]

nesta isn't needlessly cruel. she is fully capable of kindness and, in fact, is a fiercely empathetic person. that's so often the problem: that she feels so much, too much, all the time. most of the time, she is mean as a response to a perceived threat (whether intentional or not). otherwise, if she's mean to you, don't take it personally. it's undoubtedly the tail ends of a previous interaction or trigger (likely involving her brother in law).

[katszumi]

“have you seen the abs on that man?” hagakure sat across of you. “sexy on a stick, i swear!” she giggles. she was going on and on about the guy that starred in the superman movie you girls put on last night. henry cavill was his name.

mina agrees with her statement with a nod. “he’s the hottest white man i’ve ever seen before.”

“sure, he was hot, but are we forgetting the misogynist comments he’s made? sexy is one thing, but being controversial is a whole ‘nother thing.” uraraka inserted her input.

“oh, please. i’d cook and clean for him anyday he asks.” mina retorted. both uraraka and yaoyorozu shake their head in shame.

“speaking of controversial.” uraraka murmurs under her breath, you peer over your shoulder, wondering the intent of her statement.

you notice bakugou making his way over to your desk, his eyes planted on you and you only. you shift uncomfortably. why the hell would he be coming to you? did you do something?

once he makes his way to your desk, you look up at him with a half smile.

“hey, bakugou. what’s up?”

his eyes analyze the other girls before looking back down on you.

“my pencil?”

you flutter your lashes at him. “pencil..?” you repeated in a trance of confusion.

he groans. “the fuckin’ pencil i gave you last week. i need it back.”

now it all clicks. you nod, laughing nervously because of your stupidity. you reach in your backpack and grab the black mechanical pencil that you forgot to lend back to bakugou.

your arm extends to the male in front of you, waiting for him to snatch it back.

“sorry.”

he gently grasped onto the pencil, his hand brushing against your fingers for a small moment.

“it’s whatever. just rather not be the one to find you after i lent you something.” he shoved the pencil in his pants pockets, leaving his hands in there. “that’s one of the last pencils i have.”

you shoot your eyebrows up in defense, quickly lowering them after. your eyes falling down to your desk for comfort.

“well, hope you take care of that one.” it was a half-joke. a lame one, might you add. you were just unsure on what to say. especially since it seemed like bakugou was lingering around your desk. as if he didn’t want to return to his seat just yet.

“so, what’d you score on your test?”

“ah…it wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t horrible.”

“well?” was he really desperate to know that bad? you knew bakugou was smart, so he probably only wanted to know so it could boost his ego.

you rubbed your arm out of shame. “a seventy-nine.” you stared at his face to recognize any humility or laughter, but there was none.

he shrugged. “should’ve asked for my help if you needed it.”

right. you almost forgot that bakugou offered to help you study and go over notes with him for the next test. it was such an out-of-bakugou thing to do that you nearly didn’t take him serious.

you nodded slowly, processing his information.

“i was planning on making it up, so maybe for that.”

“fine.” his short one-worded response was dull. but what else did you really expect? “next time, don’t steal my pencil.” was his last comment before leaving your presence.

you sat in your thoughts, reeling the conversation back in your mind. what the hell just happened? it was the most simple yet confusing conversation you’ve ever had. was bakugou joking with you or was he seriously irritated with the pencil situation?

regardless, you made a mental note that bakugou was very protective over his mechanical pencils.

once bakugou returned to his seat, he unzipped his backpack, secretly opening his pencil box. within the box were a collection of pencils. there were so many pencils that he could give one to all of class 1a and 1b and still have few left.

aside sat denki who was clearly peeking inside of bakugou’s bag.

“damn, bakubro. you saving up pencils for a potential pencil outage or something?” it’s denki. of course, he never used his inside voice.

“i will literally blow you out this fuckin’ window and across the lot.” bakugou turns his head immediately, a faint pink blush spreading across the apples of his cheek.

bakugou just didn’t want you to know that the pencil was obviously an excuse to talk to you.

pt 2 of the study sesh

[fivelasanctum]

Everything is real

S03 ep.07 and S04 ep.06 parallel: Been doing my rewatch of the series and noticed this gem inside Lila's psyche when she was talking to Allison being reminiscent of her yelling that her and five's life in the alternate timelines wasn't real. A blatant contradiction to what she mentioned here. "This isn't real Five! None of this is real!" -Lila S04 ep.05 Events when time travelling are real and still impact you, just can happen quickly and feel like a whirlwind. She also goes to mention to have something or someone to focus on to essentially keep you sane and grounded.

Five comes in right after they have this conversation, zooming in on him as he came to fetch them for the plan. Hmmmm...xD When Five and her get lost in the subway time travelling system, her focus point is her kids. Just as Lila became Five's purpose for surviving. To protect her and try to get her back home to them. Five also became her focus point. Just secondary to their shared goal. Being together, relying on the other for survival (initially), comfort and affection. Eventually falling for each other since they can sit down and have time to see how they are mirrors of each other in many ways. Lila has shown she has mental barriers both around her heart and mind. Self preservation. Much like Five with his own control over his emotions and keeping others at a distance from all his years alone and serving as an assassin. Lila has the same trauma... with being brought up by the handler and living in the same life. She lied about Stanley to Diego as a way to test him if he would be a good father because she was scared and didn't want to be rejected. Possibly lying about being with many people to make him jealous. Mind games that she probably was taught by the Handler.

In the above images you can see that lila is a very human character with inexplicable flaws. Seeing herself far too broken to have a family and cowardly. She tends to go for the jugular to hurt when she has been harmed or upset emotionally. She goes into denial and tries to run away from her problems to a certain extent. Whereas Five has always cut to the quick with his brutal honesty. Telling her Diego loves her but also the cold truth of how her mother never did. Making her almost cry so she lashed out by diminishing his experience by calling Dolores out for what she actually was. Something to note from their argument in season 4 leading up to their return to their present timeline. He confronted her about what they shared in all those years and that the marriage was broken. Lila lies to herself sometimes and wanted to run away from having to think about anything outside of seeing her kids.

I strongly feel she said those words to Five about it being all about survival and it not being real because she felt betrayed with his lies. Even though his words weren't wrong. She couldn't say anything to his reasoning for doing it. "You know why." Still - it's true to her character. When she saw the hurt on her lovers face...think that's when most of the anger faded from her. Replaced with a sense of powerlessness, sadness and resignment. Yearning to stay there in their happiness bubble (it was still their Anniversary when all this went down) but needing to have her kids back. She appeared as though she was ready to cry because in her heart she didn't want anything to change regarding the two of them. Just trying to push him away yet can't stand hurting him. Perhaps it's difficult for her to hold herself back from that defense mechanism.

This is the look of someone eager to get back to her old married life with the kids right? Again, ready to cry with the situation weighing heavy on her heart. Think why she had tunnel vision to focus on just seeing her kids again was because she didn't want to ponder what happens next with her relationship with Five, talking to Diego...figuring everything out. Damn. This was suppose to be a short post but turned into a mini essay. In short...she was lying about what they have not being real. Just tried to push it away due to in the moment anger with the reveal.

[stellar-skyy]

MECHANICAL HEART - Platonic Ei & reader

i. SUMMARY: After she discarded her first prototype, Ei created a second. ii. CONTENT WARNINGS: Dehumanization (is it dehumanization if they aren't technically human?), mentions of abandonment, implied emotional neglect. Ei isn't the best parent in this one tbh. iii. NOTES: Platonic, angst, puppet!reader, gn!reader, 0.8k words. iv. A/N: ok i said i wasn't gonna write this week cause i'm busy but in my defense i've been procrastinating a lot and this is the result.

When Ei sought to create a body to withstand eternity, she didn’t plan to create two prototypes. She only needed one vessel, and any excess was unwelcomed. What she didn’t account for was failing miserably at her first attempt, and having to redesign her plan entirely.

You were the stronger one, if only by a small fraction. You had stared up at her, wide and unblinking, and something changed behind her eyes. She brought you close into her arms—gently, for any more pressure and you might have cracked into two.

It wasn’t quite love. She cared for you the way an inventor cared for their creations, all out of a sense of duty and a desire to preserve what has been so carefully built. There wasn’t a single ounce of maternal affection behind it.

She looked after you of course, like any good inventor would. She’d repair the cracks across your arms and legs, and test each one of your joints to make sure they were in working order. Her hands would trace around your wrists, feeling exactly where the ball-and-socket connected with an unabashed sort of curiosity. You were a source of fascination for her, a wonder of her own invention. How could it be that she created something like you from parts of her inhuman self: eyes glistening with tears that felt real, staring at her with such childish innocence.  

You were so human—perhaps even more so than herself—and yet you were completely synthetic.

She didn’t love you. But she held you in her arms and pressed gentle kisses to your forehead when you cried, and was that not close enough? You could forget how cold her lips were on your skin, and try to ignore how limp her hold was, if it allowed you another moment of believing she cared for you.

It was a sort of care, you reasoned. An emotion so raw and tender, one might mistake it for love if they were desperate enough. Deep down, you knew better. You knew that all the love Ei had to share died with her sister. If there was any left, she would have taken pity on the other prototype—your brother.

He was a soft one. Round face, long lashes, hair falling down his back in waves of indigo. His sobs spilled freely from the moment he was created, covering his cheeks in tears. An emotional creature, Ei had called him. Too fragile to rule a nation, too weak to be used as a reference for her final vessel like you had become. Almost as quickly as he’d been created, he was whisked away and out of sight.

“Safekeeping.” She said. She didn’t tell you what that meant, or which corner your brother had been tucked away into.

But even gone, his presence never truly left you; he was always there as a cautionary tale for what could happen if you failed to live up to Ei’s expectations. He was the example, the proof that if you weren’t enough, you would be discarded like the simple puppet you were.

There wasn’t any love in her eyes when she looked at you, but she still spent time at your side. She’d sit with you for hours in the Plane of Euthymia—whether it be out of some misplaced sort of parental instinct, or a deeply rooted guilt at creating you in the first place, you wouldn’t know—not saying much, but content for you to exist within the same space as her.

The entire occurrence felt a touch too normal to feel natural. You were just two inhuman creatures, masquerading as mortals for each other’s sake. She kept the visits brief, and always dismissed you first.

(And if she embraced you as you left, a suspicious glossiness over her eyes, you didn’t comment on it.)

It was observing the humans themselves that made you realize how unlike them you truly were.

They lived so carelessly, talking loudly amongst themselves and living blissfully without the crushing weight of the world on their shoulders. Women would walk with children balanced on their hip or clinging to their hands. They’d ruffle their hair and laugh at their antics, and there was a distinct feeling that you couldn’t quite place. No heart lay in your chest, but there was a phantom heartbeat thrumming in your ears.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be treated with such… what was it, love? You had never experienced such a thing, not from the person who acted as your ‘mother’. She could do the exact same things they did, but you would be able to tell there was no emotion behind it.

You were her puppet, her creation. You were born from parts of herself, cobbled together into something resembling a person. And no matter how tightly she held you, no matter how many times she looked at you with an unreadable look across her face, you wouldn’t truly be her child.

It wasn’t love. She made sure you didn’t get it mixed up, telling you bluntly that there wasn’t room for love in eternity.

That didn’t matter. As long as she still took care of you, you could pretend.

reblogs and comments are appreciated! ♡

[drabblesandimagines]

Kitty

Pairings: Rei x reader Buddy Daddies fluff, descriptions of gun violence

Wordcount: 4,027 (revised 22/03/23)

You weren’t exactly sure how long ago it had been - a year, possibly? More? - but on one particular torturous night, he’d strangled you after what he deemed a ‘stressful day’. Your throat was sore for days after, your vocal chords husky and raw. You found it easier just to not talk after that and he seemed happy enough with the development, so you were too. If you spoke, there was a danger that you’d say something to upset him and he’d lash out in anger. Of course, he still did lose his temper and you would bear the brunt of his anger, but now it was only over other grievances rather than anything you brought on yourself.

You didn’t even flinch when he jammed the cold metal of the gun into the side of your skull. It wasn’t the first time, that’s for sure. He did it a lot at the start of your time there, enjoying your sobs as you feared for your life. Now you just wished he’d just pull the trigger. Get it over with – you weren’t sure of your purpose here. You were the maid - you cleaned and served him and were his personal punchbag. Thankfully, he’d never touched you in that way, but surely he’d had enough enjoyment out of you by now.

It had been a typical evening in the house – he’d retired to his study with his cigar and whisky while you cleared the dinner table for him and his goons. The gunfire had started soon after that. You hadn’t thought too much of it at first, sometimes when his men drank they got a bit trigger-happy with each other over minor disputes. It was only when he ran into the dining room, gunshots echoing behind him that you realized it wasn’t as you first thought. He grabbed you around the neck, breathing heavily as his assailant entered the room and your abductor pressed the gun into your head.

A sullen man with an undercut and black hair tied up upon his head is staring at you with an equally blank stare on his face as yours, his aim steady. He’s dressed in a well-fitted, obviously tailored suit - a professional, you guessed.

“Let her go,” you heard a voice hiss behind you, another gun cocking. He was trapped, surrounded by two guns. The barrel left your skull and then everything happened in a blur - someone yanked you back and threw you down to the ground as there was a single gunshot. Your abductor’s body crashed to the floor, blood oozing from a hole in the middle of his forehead.

You look up, expecting a bullet to hit you next. The two men stand over you, looking down. The voice behind you turned out to be a blonde man, classically good-looking with fluffy hair and also very well-dressed. You watch as he puts away his gun and crouches down in front of you.

“Are you okay?” The blonde man asks gently and you must’ve given him a confused look as he backtracked. “No, stupid question. Is anything, er, broken?” You'd hit the floor pretty hard but nothing had cracked. You shake your head.

“That’s good. How long have you been here?” You think for a moment, opening your mouth slightly but the words don’t come. It was the only defense mechanism you had left. If you don’t speak, no-one can get mad when you say the wrong thing, right? And these two were assassins, clearly. They’d just put a bullet in your abductor’s head and maybe you’d be next if you didn't say what they wanted. You resort to a shrug – it's honest, you don’t know how long it’s been.

The blonde frowns, before pursuing his line of questioning.

“Erm… Well, is there someone we can call for you?”

You shake your head again, twisting your fingers in your lap.

“Do you have a name? I’m Kazuki, and that’s Rei.” He points to the black-haired man behind him.

You dig your nails into the palm of your hand at that. Your name… You shake your head.

The blonde looks at his partner in desperation.

“And the rest of the house is clear?”

“Mm.” Rei confirms. “She’s the only one left. She wasn’t in any of the files.”

Kazuki sighs. They’re in the middle of nowhere. He can’t, in all good conscience, leave you here, especially in the state you appear to be in. They know that eventually they’ll be another drop and the deaths will be discovered, but who knows how long that’ll be and won’t they blame you? The pony-tailed man raised an eyebrow, seeming to read his thoughts.

“If you get to bring a kid and a woman home, I’m definitely getting a cat.”

“I know, I know,” Kazuki mutters. “But we can’t just leave her here. Let’s take her back to the city and then maybe Kyu will be able to dig up something about her.” He turned back to you, debating. “Maybe she’s got some personal items. Do you have a room here? Can you show us?”

You swallowed before nodding in the affirmative. Why would they want to see that? You got to your feet and the blonde quickly stepped in line with you. Rei stalked behind, his gun still drawn.

You led them through a back passage to your “room”. It wasn’t really a room to be perfectly honest, it was a broom closet. The door had a heavy padlock on it but it was no longer used - you’d stopped trying to get out of there long ago. You swung the door open and pulled the cord, a solitary light bulb flickered and illuminated the grimy room. There was a pile of blankets on the floor – your makeshift bed - and a folded pile of two dresses, socks and undergarments. Your ‘uniform’. Screwed into the concrete wall was a shackle but, as with the padlock, it had been a while since it had been used.

“Uh… Okay. I...” The blonde stumbled over his words. “I was going to ask if there was anything you want to bring with you, but I guess not.”

You looked down at your feet, awkwardly. Those were the only clothes you owned, but you didn't particularly want to bring them with you.

“Okay, let’s go. We’ve got a van out the front. We’ll get you back to the city and take it from there.” You followed Kazuki dutifully to the front door, Rei once again walking behind when you saw the outcome of the ambush. Your abductor’s security team strewed about the floor, some riddled with gunshots, some a single wound but all very much dead. It should’ve shocked you and it would’ve however long ago, but it wasn’t the first time you’d seen corpses since you’d arrived here. Thankfully, you'd never been given that clean-up.

At the front door, Kazuki looked down at your sock-clad feet – frilly white thigh highs of all things to match that horrendous maid outfit he had you wear. “Erm, do you have any shoes?”

Shoes? You shook your head. Why would you have shoes? You never went outside. You had them once, but you don’t know what happened to any of the things you’d been wearing when you’d first been brought here.

“No? Right. It’s not far, will you be okay to walk like that?”

You nodded. If you had shook your head, would they have left you behind?

The night air was crisp and the freshest thing you’d ever tasted. On occasion you’d pushed your face right up to the windows, trying to breathe it in, but it was rare. The house had always had someone around, yanking you back from the window in case you tried to jump.

There was a catering van parked off to the side of the driveway. You hopped in the back as instructed and sat in the chair Kazuki pointed to. Rei took to the steering wheel and they began the long drive home in silence.

You didn’t want to or even mean to, but the motion of the van had you dozing on and off, meaning you'd pick up snippets of their conversation.

“Maybe she just can’t talk.” You hear Rei suggest.

“No, I think she’s traumatized. She’s covered in bruises. How long do you think she’s been there?”

“Dunno.” A pause. “What are we going to say to Miri?”

--

An hour or so later, you arrived back in the city. They parked in an underground car park and you followed them to the elevator, up to what seemed quite an elaborate apartment.

Kazuki insisted you sleep in Rei’s bedroom – the man wasn’t really using the room anyway, he’d told you - and you weren’t really in a position to disagree. He’d given you a rundown of the facilities. “So, the toilet’s downstairs near the front door. Rei sleeps in the downstairs bathroom. Don’t ask." He rolls his eyes and then slams his hand into his forehead. "Sorry, no, that sounds insensitive. I mean, if you wanted to ask that’s fine. I’d love to hear you speak, actually, but… Ugh. Okay. Sorry. You’re safe, it’s late, I’ll let you get some sleep.” And he ducked out the room as fast he could.

--

You didn’t get a lot of sleep. The bed was nice but after months of months on a floor, is it possible that a bed could feel too soft? A lack of sleep wasn’t new though and you had technically napped on the drive here. Your duties at the house often ran late into the night and started early the next morning. When the sun rose that morning, you were already up, sat perched on the end of the bed, feeling anxious. What were you meant to do? What were they going to do with you now?

As these thoughts swirled around your head for however long, there was suddenly a knock at the door. “Er, morning! Are you awake? I won’t come in…” It was Kazuki.

You got to your feet and sprinted over to the door, opening it swiftly - he’d hated waiting for anything.

“Hi!” Kazuki gave a great big smile, clothes in hand. ”I hope you slept okay. I forgot to offer you some clothes last night, but I’ve found these.” He handed over the bundle. “They’re clean – things I’ve been meaning to get rid of since they’re a bit small for Rei now. The shorts are gonna be way too big, but they’ve got a drawstring so that should keep them up. Is that okay?”

You nod, clutching it close to your chest.

 “Okay, well, you get changed and I’ll come back in five. Breakfast should be ready soon and you can meet Miri – she’s our little girl. You might’ve heard Rei talk about her last night. See you soon.”

You nodded, and he shut the door. You walked back over to the bed and laid out the garments. A white t-shirt, soft grey jersey shorts with a cord and a black zip-up hoodie. How long had it been since you hadn’t worn a dress? You pulled it off and over your head before pulling up the shorts. Kazuki was right – they were too large but pulling the drawstring tight and securing it in a bow sorted out the issue and the t-shirt was only a little oversized and the hoodie was cosy and covered the bruises on your arms. Thinking of the little girl they'd mentioned, you also kept your thigh high socks on, knowing they would also hide the purple marks on your calves. It was the comfiest you could remember feeling in a while, though.

A knock at the door. “You ready?”

You jogged to the door again, throwing it open, before standing straight and clasping your hands in front of you.

“Okay, great! Er, just follow me.”

You descend the spiral staircase and see a little girl sat at the coffee table, scribbling happily across three pieces of paper, a box of crayons spilt out in front of her. There's a man sat besides her on the sofa, headphones around his neck and mashing at a controller. It takes you a second to recognise them as Rei - he's dressed more far more casual now - in a pair of sweatpants, a navy t-shirt and hoodie on top and his hair is down. Off-duty.

“Hi!” The little girl gasps, her eyes widening in interest at your presence. “I’m Miri, what’s your name?”

Kazuki watches in interest as you open your mouth but quickly close it again, digging your nails into your palms once more.

“Er, Miri, this is Papa Kazuki's…” he hesitated, thinking of how best to phrase it, “..friend. She’s not feeling too well at the moment. She’s sort of lost her voice.”

Miri's eyes widened. “Like a spell?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “Like a spell.”

“You must be a princess!” She squealed, remembering a storybook. “But what’s her name?”

“Er, well…” Kazuki scratches the back of his head. “That’s where we’ve been struggling.”

“Oh, I know, I know!” Miri grabbed another piece of paper and scribbled on it before sliding it over in front of you, alongside a crayon. “See, it says ‘Miri!’ Now it’s your go – write yours.”

You bit your lip before kneeling down besides the coffee table and picking up the crayon. Your hand was shaking. Your abductor had never called you by your name - he'd called you maid, stupid girl was another favourite, and there was a myriad of derogatory terms used by his goons. You’d fought back the first few weeks, when your spirit wasn’t crushed. Your penmanship was as wobbly as Miri’s, but Kazuki read it over slowly, a frown across his features.

“I don’t remember is a funny name!” Miri squealed. There was silence in the room – even Rei had stopped mashing the controller buttons for a beat.

Kazuki winced at Miri’s statement. “No, Miri. I think that must be part of the, er, spell.”

“Oh…” Miri frowned, pondering for a moment. “Well, I’ll call you princess! Sit with me, princess!” She tugged at your arm, trying to pull you up to the sofa besides her.

“If Miri gets to call her princess, can I call her kitty?” Rei's voice makes you jump.

“Princess Kitty!”

Kazuki looks mortified at his company. “It’s not up to me! Is… is that okay with you? I mean, until we can figure it all out.”

You nod – they were nicer names than you were used to.

Breakfast was a far more lavish affair than you were used to – the plates were laden and there was so much choice. Rei and Miri said grace and you bowed your head in thanks, following suit. The two then proceeded to demolish their servings before you could even fathom, quickly abandoning the table for their previous activities at the sofa. Kazuki chuckles, “Yeah, they’re like that, unfortunately. We can take our time.”

The food felt rich and heavy in your stomach, so you forced a bit more down than you originally wanted so as not to seem ungrateful. It was never a good outcome. Kazuki got to his feet and stretched, and you took it as your cue to start clearing.

“Oh, no, no, it’s okay. You’re our guest. Go sit with Rei and Miri - relax.”

You froze, relax? What…?

“Yeah, come sit with me again, kitty!” Miri chimes, patting the space besides her. “We can watch Papa Rei win!” Seems like she’d be won over by Rei’s name for you.

“Sorry,” Kazuki rubs the back of his head. “I promise when we find out your real name we’ll nip that in the bud. Go, sit."

You walk over to the couch and sit down besides Miri, as she and Kazuki had instructed. She laughed joyfully, watching the man game for a couple of minutes as the blonde bustled around in the background, appearing to pack a bag.

“Miri, come on! Time to go.”

“Oh…” Miri frowned, before she scrambled into your lap. “Will you still be here when I get back, kitty? I want to hang out with you more!”

“Yes, Miri…” Kazuki hesitates before he says your new name, apparently, “kitty will be. Can you go get your coat on?”

“Yay!” Miri squeezes you around the neck, before dashing off towards the front door.

“Okay,” Kazuki stands in front of the TV, trying to divert Rei’s attention from the screen. “I’ll drop Miri off at daycare and then go see Kyu, let him know how things went and if he can get us any information. I’ll bring us back some lunch, okay?”

“Bye.”

You nod.

Kazuki rolls his eyes, before he heads towards the door. Miri declares herself ready and Kazuki puts his shoes on. The door opens and Miri yells, “Bye, Papa Rei! Bye, kitty!”

The door closes.

You stare at the television. Rei was playing some sort of shooting game – you thought that was an odd way to relax after last night. You weren’t sure what you were meant to do now, though. Kazuki had set out his morning, but not yours. You had your routine at the house – serve and clear breakfast, wash the dishes, make the beds, do the laundry, sweep and scrub the floors… Though, what you really wanted to do at this moment if anyone was to ask was use the facilities, but you weren’t sure what the deal was here. When you were on your own doing your chores you could visit whenever, but if you were with him, you were expected to remain there - head bowed, awaiting instructions. Was Rei the same? You shuffled subtly in your position, trying to relieve the pressure on your bladder somewhat. You hoped he wouldn’t notice but, due to his profession and upbringing, he was acutely aware of his surroundings at all times.

“What’s the matter, kitty?”

You freeze and sit poker straight, maybe you’d annoyed him with your movements, distracted him from his game, made him lose…

He pauses the game and leans forward, sliding one of Miri’s pieces of paper towards him and another crayon.

“Can you write it down?”

You bite your lip and pick up the crayon, your stupid hand shaking again. Please may I go to the bathroom?

Rei blinks as he reads it, as if making sure he's read it correctly. “Sure. You don’t need to ask permission.” He unpauses his game and continues button mashing. You exhale, getting up to your feet, bracing yourself for it being a trick. He’d loved changing the rules to keep you on your toes, after all.

Nothing comes as you take a step - no harsh word, no fist or kick - followed by another in the direction of where Kazuki had shown you last night. As you enter and turn to close and lock the door, you can see Rei is still engrossed in his game.

After completing your business, you wash your hands thoroughly in the sink and look at yourself in the mirror. Your face is pale and your braids are messed up. You want to re-do them but you don’t want to seem like you’re taking too long in here – what if there’s a time limit? You tuck in a few loose strands before unlocking the door. Rei’s game play continues and you beeline it back to the couch, sitting exactly where you’d been before and watch.

Your mind starts to wonder – what was going to happen? Were you going to serve these two now? Is that how it worked in the criminal word – kill whoever and their property gets passed on to you? But that didn’t make sense, earlier Kazuki had said you were a guest, right?

“Here, kitty,” Rei says softly, interrupting your thoughts as he presses a controller in your hands. “You can be player two.” He’s switched the game when you were staring into space – Morio Kart now flashes on the screen. You’d seen it years ago but never played. There were no games consoles growing up – you hadn’t even had a television towards the end. Everything had been sold off to try and alleviate your father’s debts.

“Have you played before?” You shook your head. “You steer using the joystick, press this one to accelerate, this one to drift, and this one to throw stuff.” He points to the buttons one by one and you burn it into memory at once. It’s important to remember instructions.

--

The next few days are odd. Kazuki said Kyu - a business associate of theirs? - was doing his best to work out your past, but to let him know if you recalled anything that might point them in the right direction, however vague it might be but you couldn't even provide a city name. The new routine would consist of breakfast, Kazuki finally relenting in letting you help with dishes whilst he took Miri to daycare, you’d then sit with Rei, occasionally acting as player two, have lunch, fold some laundry with Kazuki, one of them would collect Miri and you’d colour or play something with her in the evening before dinner.

Tonight, things in the household are tense. Kazuki is at his wit’s end, arguing with a disengaged Rei – you’re not quite sure what about but you wanted to keep out of eyeline. Being around raised voices had never ended well for you. You’re at the top of the stairs after you’d taken up the load of laundry you’d folded with the blonde earlier while he was distracted in the dispute, and from your elevated position you can see Miri reaching for the pan of boiling hot water on the stove and your heart stops. You can’t make it down in time to physically stop her and Kazuki and Rei aren’t going to see in time...

You lean over the edge and open your mouth, “M-M-M-Miri, n-no!”

All eyes snap to you at that point - Miri’s included, thankfully, and she stops. You slapped your hand across your mouth, feeling bile rise up in your throat. Your voice sounds so foreign and wrong and you shouldn’t have done that. No, no, no…

Kazuki’s eyes move to Miri and he sees the little girl 's hand hovering centimetres away from the hot pan. “Miri, don’t touch that!” He roars, and she snatches her hand away but continues to stare up at you, along with Rei.

“Kitty spoke!”

“She did,” Rei agreed, and you bite your lip hard. Idiot.

Kazuki had made his way over to the hob, turning off the heat and pushing the pan to the back. Dinner would have to wait. “Miri, I’ve told you a dozen times, you can’t be playing around here. You can get really hurt.”

“But, Papa Kazuki,” she tugs at his trouser leg, “kitty said my name!”

You dart down the stairs, bowing your head over and over apologetically. Your eyes are brimming with tears. It wasn’t your place to discipline the girl, of course it wasn’t…

“She did, didn’t she?” Kazuki replied warmly, before balking when he saw your face. “Oh, hey! No, no, don’t cry! There’s nothing to cry about, we’re not mad. We’re glad to hear you speak, honestly. Aren’t we, Rei?”

Miri is now at your arm, pulling at it. “Say it again! Say it again!”

“Can you?” Rei asks, sounding curious.

“Please!” Miri squeals.

You swallow, looking at all their hopeful faces. It was an order, wasn’t it? “M-M-M-Miri.” You oblige, before ducking your head again.

Miri laughs, tugging at your arm with renewed vigor. “Now say my papas’ names!”

“Miri…” Kazuki warns. “Kitty can speak when she wants and say what she wants, okay? She’s not a performer for you.”

“But I like hearing her voice!”

“Yes, we do too”, he stressed, meeting your eyes at that point, “but she can take it at her own pace.”

There is a lull in conversation – everyone’s eyes are still on you and you hate it. Thankfully, Miri’s stomach rumbles loudly.

“Papa, I’m hungry!”

“Right, dinner!” Kazuki returns to the hob and starts bustling around the kitchen, forgetting about his argument from Rei a few moments before. You’re thankful for the intervention, the distraction and you duck into the bathroom to catch your breath.

--

Kazuki has taken Miri up to bed and it’s just you and Rei on the couch. He’s gaming as usual, but he has the volume turned down low.

“You can say my name, if you’d like.” He mumbles.

You look at him, unsure. “I’d like to hear you say it, but you don’t have to. I think you’re scared of someone thinking you’ve said the wrong thing, but you should be able to say whatever you feel. Since you already said Miri’s, maybe my name would be easy to say next, to ease you into it.”

His eyes have never left the screen as he speaks. A few moments of silence follow before you squeeze your eyes shut, taking a deep breath. “H-hi, R-R-Rei.”

You open one eye and look over. “Hi.” He replies back, a small smile on his face.

Part two now here.

[prism-forgone]

Deltarune Classpect Assignment, or: We've Been Godless For a Very Long Time Y'all

Everything that happens next can be blamed on the tumblr user @vriskologymajor. They literally asked for this to happen in response to me stating i have Some thoughts on the subject x. Enjoy the carnage lmao

Note that this whole analysis is over 2000 words long. I'm putting everything below Susie under the cut but there's also an analysis of Noelle, Kris, Ralsei, Berdly and a surprise someone in there. Please read it. Pretty please.

EDIT: An ask in which I elaborate about the secret bosses can be found here: x

Here's what's gonna happen. I'm going to provide the classpects i believe the main characters can be aligned with and my reasoning for both parts of the title. Be aware this is my own personal opinion and every classpect analyst's opinion is worth its salt because, frankly, classpects are insane. Okay. God. Let's get to this.

Susie // Knight of Rage

Susie's classpect might for real be the easiest and most obvious one I've ever assigned. It seems incredibly open-and-shut once you think about it. I don't think many are going to disagree with at least the aspect assignment but I'm going to monologue about it some more anyway because there's a lot more in support of this than some might think and it's actually pretty interesting.

Rage is the immovable object of aspects - Ragebound are incredibly volatile not only to their environment but to narrative itself. They're unpredictable and can quite literally go against the powers that be (i.e. narrate the story) because they don't feel like following their directions. And Susie does that routinely - she cuts off the player's choice and states their decisions don't matter while being inside an RPG and, in Chapter 1, quite literally refuses to listen to their commands. She is the one that initiates the revelation that her and Ralsei can act on their own, and picks a third option from the two given to the player, splitting the party and leaving its leader alone.

When it comes to less meta elements of this aspect, the main thing that comes up is her strong emotions. Contrary to the name, Rage is not only about anger. It is largely about negative emotions, though. In addition to anger, doubt, bitterness, aggressiveness or fear (specifically of being betrayed, left alone or lied to) are all emotions Susie exhibits quite a lot. Fortunately, she finds a way to utilize those and vent them out instead of bottling them up or lashing out, and she does that by... oh man, utilizing them? If only there was a class that did that, huh-

Yeah, Knights have a tendency to weaponize the elements of their aspect A Lot. With a Knight of Rage, it's something among the lines of a barbarian in DnD - they utilize their negative emotions to gain strength, using it as a means for attack and protection; both literally and on a more interpersonal level. And Susie does both! She's a bully both before and during a good part of Chapter 1 but it seems very much so that she's projecting, especially when it comes to the entry on Noelle's blog. It's a defense mechanism to hurt before you get hurt.

It's not surprising in the slightest - Knights tend to have incredibly low self-esteems. Later on she switches to a different strategy - she lets her strong emotions fuel her attacks and even further down the line, her S-Actions. Her demeanor switches to very explicit protectiveness of her team. And I think something that was kind of the final nail in the coffin for me is that her title in the party is literally its knight:

Doesn't get more explicit than that, I don't think.

Noelle // Mage of Hope

The reason why Noelle is on the list so early on is because her and Susie have opposite aspects and I think that's fun, and that it's easier to exemplify those differences if they're next to each other.

Being a pair to Rage, Hope is an aspect that is also connected to its hero being somewhat connected with the narrative. But, as opposed to the way Ragebound refuse to make things easy for the narrative, Hopebound are a driving force within it, either through acting on their own volition or being forced by an external force. Other evidence includes its symbolic connection to angels, things that are holy (like... Holy Prayer? wow), extreme passion for their interests and a penchant for uncovering what is real and true but perhaps hidden (like easter eggs in a game, for example).

Hope is the unstoppable force to Rage's immovable object. In connection to Hope's alignment to miracles, it fits in nicely with how Noelle is the key component in the Weird/Snowgrave Route, as it reads as something straight out of a creepypasta, something that should not even be possible in the game. (To those who read HS scratching their head about the miracles being a Hope thing, Gamzee was a Bard (a destruction class), and thus ghosting his opposite aspect - in his case Rage. We'll talk about aggressively ghosting aspects by Princes and Bards in just a while, though).

The Mage part might be more complex and less obvious than the Hope part. A Witch might be something that seems more intuitive due to her power level but I'll do my best to make my case here.

Mages internalize their aspect through experience. They take in both the good and the bad that comes with it and learn from it to be able to use it. Their relationship to their aspect can then be quite volatile - sometimes the aspect serves to actively harm them, they have too little or too much of it. And Noelle puts a lot of faith into others and is pretty easy to trust and be swayed to one side or another. This shows the most prominently in the Weird/Snowgrave Route once again, where her blind faith in the hope of getting stronger puts her through the awful experience of being made a tool of destruction.

There's also a fascinating element to Mages and their relationship with external beings. They (along with Seers) are extremely attuned to hearing and perceiving external forces and their voices (like the commands of the exiles in HS - or the player in DR). Additionally, Mages have once been speculated to be the passive counterpart to Witch at some point before settling into the active part of the knowing class duo they make alongside Seers today because while Witches manipulate, the Mages are more prone to manipulation, mostly through something directly connected to their aspect (Sollux by literally fate itself, and Meulin by someone close to her as Doom and Heart heroes respectively). What screws up Noelle in the Weird Route, is her blind belief in who she perceives as Kris and their actions, her sureness in there being some method to this madness and the reason for all this being getting stronger, something she really wants due to feeling weak.

Let's discuss that feeling.

Kris // Witch of Heart

I know! I know. I know this class seems out of pocket but I'll do my best to justify this title, I promise.

Let's start with Heart, the less... offending of the two. Heart as an aspect has to do with emotions and desires, yes, but mostly it has to do with identity, self, personas and literal soul. I'm sorry but this is non-negotiable - if you believe Kris is anything else than Heartbound, you need to reconsider the text again. Yes, there could be some argument about how struggle for freedom can be a sign of them being Breath-aligned but their struggle is mostly for the freedom of self-expression. There are multiple points in Chapter 2 at which we direct them to do something and they comply but use an incredulous inflection or say something that technically is what we picked but in such a tone that it's construed as something completely opposite. Their struggle is centered on identity for sure.

It goes beyond just our influence and Kris's struggle against it, though. There are multiple hints at Kris not really being entirely comfortable with their place in Hometown as the sole human. They don't like thinking about other humans, Toriel says they would wear a horn headband because one time they asked when their horns would grow in. They're clearly usually an introvert and don't like other people knowing too much about them. They look up magic and were interested in the occult at least at some point, and seem to not really want to be themselves.

In what ways are they a Witch then? Many, actually! The first piece of evidence is that Witches break the rules of their own aspect, and I don't think calling tearing your own soul out of your chest and shoving it into a constricting place for just a moment is a stretch. Additionally, they seem to even have a Witch Familiar that is closely related to their aspect and without whom the entire plot would change drastically! It's you. You're the familiar. The soul is the familiar.

And the 4th-wall breaking fun doesn't end there! Despite being possessed, they still retain who they are - no one thinks they're a different person, after all. Which means that us using Kris, Noelle's childhood friend, to exploit her need (dare I say desire, to make the connection to the Heart aspect more explicit) to feel stronger and make her IceShock every moving thing in Cyber City is us utilizing their abilities to manipulate the Heart aspect.

Ralsei // Prince of Void

Remember when I said we were gonna talk about how the destruction classes like Princes and Bards ghost the aspect opposite to theirs in a bit? Yeah, that time is now. Back on the more stable ground because I don't think it's that big of a hot take to argue Ralsei is a Prince of Void, given that it's basically in his title within the team.

Yes, Princes and Bards ghost their opposite aspect a lot. Ralsei accomplishes this by being a walking, talking exposition machine, something that those more familiar with the mind-numbing properties of Aranea Serket, a Sylph of Light (an inverse of a Prince of Void) would know is very up the alley of those who are Lightbound. Ralsei serves as an introduction to lore, game mechanics and other very technical things. However, ghosting the opposite aspect is not the same as being bound to it. Ralsei is still very much Voidbound.

There's an air of secrecy and obscurity around Ralsei. He's not telling us something. He smashes through the 4th wall - something Void heroes adore to do, by the way - like it's nothing by showing knowledge of what he should not be aware of at all - what do you mean EAST classroom. How do you know this and why can you acknowledge this. He can banish us to focus on other characters to talk to Kris one-on-one, causing a narrative blackout of sorts, which is another thing Voidbound tend to do.

At the same time, he shows clear signs of being a Prince that destroys his aspect or with his aspect. As I said, he's incredibly prone to throwing animated exposition dumps at the player but that's not all there is to it. He's literally part of a team of heroes who set out to destroy dark fountains. Not only can he cause narrative blackouts around himself, he tries to make Kris stop focusing on what happened after Spamton's fight, blocking off a path to solve that mystery. "You don't need to know anymore" kind of thing.

Destruction classes are dual in nature through being defined by their aspect but setting out to destroy it. He's afraid of being abandoned and forgotten. He keeps things from both his friends and the player. He doesn't want to fall prey to obscurity. He's secretive and does unexplained things through unknown means, like by just showing up in the Cyber World. As befitting a Prince, he's a walking contradiction.

Berdly // Page of Light

Believe it or not, Berdly's was one of the more tricky titles to pin down. I'm still not fully sure of it but I'm able to argue in favor of this decision.

Light is an aspect of relevance, knowledge and fate. Berdly is someone incredibly focused on academics. However, Pages inherently lack their aspect and literally have to be fed it by someone else who has more of it despite not even being bound to it until they reach a power threshold that allows them agency. Once they do, they're a force to be reckoned with but, as things stand, Berdly admits that Noelle is the real smart kid and he would never be the best in class if it weren't for her.

Despite not being the opposite of an Heir of Void, the narrative seems hilariously allergic to him anyway. He starts reading out loud and literally puts Kris to sleep with it. His monologue is not going to be read by many people because it's happening while there is a time-sensitive multi-part puzzle going on. Queen, the antagonist that moves most of the plot forward, runs away from him. Additionally, Lightbound are usually quite prone to being swayed to do things, and Berdly is a pain for Queen to handle but she does manipulate him quite a lot anyhow. He's flabbergasted when she captures Noelle right in front of him because that's not what they agreed on.

As an aside, one of his attacks is him throwing pages of A+ school assignments. That's the most hilariously Page of Light attack in the history of ever.

BONUS ROUND

Player // Seer of Mind

Bet you weren't expecting that, huh?

Every player is a different separate person but again, classpect titles are more about the place and role in the narrative and oh boy, oh boy. Is there evidence that the soul, i.e. us, are a Seer of Mind in the story of Deltarune.

For starters, it's literally the inverse of Kris's classpect. We're as diametrically opposed to them as possible. Secondly, as stated with Noelle, knowledge classes like Mages and Seers are incredibly attuned to meta-level voices. In Noelle's case that means things like hearing our commands even if Kris is down. In our case it means literal narration. We also know things we have no business of knowing - we're able to do things like hearing characters' thoughts, literally mind-reading them.

A more traditional role of a Seer of Mind (and we know this because there literally is one in HS) is knowing the outcomes and consequences of certain decisions. We literally have the power of reloading and saving to find that out. I rest my case.

[liminal-storage]

Interlude: Silence

Prompt: Zip

Characters: Kuni Muinvel, mentions of/allusions to various others

Warnings: Vague references to physical and emotional abuse.

Silence.

It used to be her go-to response when her mother got aggressive. It's difficult to find offense when no words are spoken at all. But even that silence was offensive in its own way, taken as a sign of disrespect and worthy of further punishment.

Silence. A moment brought on by shock.

Like a slap in the face, her mouth would shut immediately if someone said something cutting. The red-faced shame that came with it only served as further evidence that she'd given up the fight. Allow others room for their fury, but never give back your own.

Silence. A defense mechanism.

Holding back her words, her thoughts, her feelings...it became a regular habit. Just smile through it all, she'd tell herself. Smile and the unpleasantness would go away. Only it never did. With nothing spoken, it was reasonable for others to assume nothing was wrong.

Silence. It started to lose its meaning, really.

Cold, resigned acceptance. That was what her silence became. Even when the words slung her way were undeserved, she'd give no defense. Better than getting herself worked up and lashing out in anger. Better than pushing people away. Yet, that still happened anyway.

Silence. Smothering.

She'd almost withered away in it. Who was she, anyway? It had all gotten washed away somewhere out of reach while she stewed and suffered and made to destroy herself in her silence. If it ached this badly she'd surely deserved it, and deserved even more still. If she'd just kept her mouth shut, none of it would have gone so badly.

Silence was an automatic response for so many years.

After clawing her way out of the mire she'd put herself in, she found her voice.

Rare is the conversation that passes without a sarcastic retort. She had her years of silence for the sake of keeping the peace, but she's found herself once more. Kuni Muinvel was never good at keeping her mouth shut for long. Every smirk, every taunt, every goading remark, every idle comment...All are hers. Silence has its time and place, but it should not be her default.

[anthurak]

What a lot of Helluva Boss fans have in common with Blitzo...

Something I’ve realized recently is that there is this great, fascinating irony in this fixation that much of the Helluva Boss fandom has on the idea of some simple ‘wholesome’ family dynamic between Blitzo, Stolas, Loona and Octavia. Where Blitzo and Stolas are in some happy marriage and raising Loona and Octavia and everything is sweet and wholesome.

Because you know who ELSE is super-fixated on finding some idealized ‘wholesome family dynamic’?

Blitzo.

And after watching Seeing Stars, I think we can say pretty definitively that this very fixation is one of the biggest PROBLEMS with Blitzo and one of the main reasons his relationship with Loona is so dysfunctional.

Looking back in hindsight, it’s pretty clear that Bltizo’s decision to adopt a hellhound was driven by his desperate need for emotional connection to someone. Because that’s the crux of Blitzo’s entire character: Thanks to his metric shitton of childhood trauma and baggage, he is absolutely desperate for emotional connection and validation, while simultaneous being absolutely TERRIFIED of any kind of commitment or letting himself be vulnerable. It’s why he burned down his relationship with Verosika, it’s the source of his relationship problems with Stolas, it’s why he’s so obsessed with the M&Ms (because he’s desperate for what they have) and it’s why he’s such a dysfunctional father-figure to Loona.

Because looking at the flashback in Seeing Stars, we can easily infer that Blitzo wasn’t looking to adopt some disaffected, traumatized loner just about to age out of the adoption system like Loona, but rather an actual child. Instead, the entire reason he adopted Loona was because her situation and the words of the overseer positively smashed Blitzo’s sympathetic trauma button and caused him to adopt Loona right there and then. I mean, think of it this way: Adopting Loona was effectively an impulse buy from Blitzo.

Now, this alone isn’t necessarily a sign of bad parenting from Blitzo. The problem is that it’s pretty clear Blitzo never adjusted his expectations of what a daughter like Loona actually needs. Because he seems to have been so fixated on creating some wholesome father-daughter relationship that would solve all his perceived problems, he’s therefore fixated on treating Loona like she’s some troubled child or teenager, rather than a young woman in her early twenties, something Moxie pointed out as early as the pilot. We see this in basically all of Blitzo’s interactions with Loona, particularly in how overly protective, overly affectionate and generally ‘clingy’ Blitzo gets towards Loona.

And combined with how Blitzo’s approach towards fatherhood seems to consist entirely of ‘don’t be like MY dad’, this seeming unwillingness/inability to see Loona as an adult rather than a child looks to be one of the central reasons for Blitzo being such a disaster of a parent and his generally dysfunctional relationship with Loona. Which we in turn see play out across the show and is on full display at the beginning of Seeing Stars:

Blitzo seems to be working from the idea of ‘be everything my dad wasn’t’, so his approach to parenting seems to be little more than ‘shower Loona in praise and affection and give her anything and everything he thinks she wants’. Which happens to be just about the exact OPPOSITE parenting/help someone like Loona actually needs. Because all he’s doing is basically enabling all of Loona’s unhealthy, anti-social, hyper-defensive coping mechanisms for her own trauma.

Like I’ve seen a number of people take issue with how so-called ‘abusive’ Loona is towards Blitzo with how much she physically lashes out at him, such as when she gives him a nutshot at the end of Seeing Stars. But frankly, that behavior should NOT be surprising at all, given what we’ve seen of them: As we see with both Loona and the M&Ms, Blitzo has basically zero respect for or even concept of personal boundaries and has a tendency to get super clingy and overly-affectionate. So is it any wonder that someone like Loona who is extremely defensive both emotionally and physically, after what has clearly been a VERY traumatic childhood would almost reflexively respond the way she does?*

That’s not to say that Loona’s tendency to beat the crap out of Blitzo is a good thing, but rather it’s a symptom of both their dysfunctional relationship and how Blitzo clearly has NO IDEA how to be a functional parent. Blitzo’s overly-affectionate, protective, clingy nature keeps Loona retreating into her shell, and his unwillingness to set any kind of boundaries for her and give her anything she wants simply allows Loona to stay in her hyper-defensive comfort zone.

It’s why despite Loona being 22 years old, she generally acts not much older than Octavia, someone at least 4 years her junior. Because in many respects she’s likely still much the same as she was when Blitzo adopted her. Blitzo’s parenting has enabled all of her pre-existing issues and allowed her to simply stay as she was while growing and maturing very little.**

Which of course is not to say that Blitzo doesn’t love his daughter. Far from it, in fact. As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, the overarching narrative point of the problems both Blitzo and Stolas have with their respective daughters, and which Loona highlighted in Seeing Stars can be summed up as: It is entirely possible for one to both genuinely, unconditionally care for and love their child and want nothing but the best for them, AND be an utter DISASTER of a parent.

Which all ties back to the grand irony I opened with: How much of the fandom is fixated on Blitzo, Stolas, Loona and Octavia being some simple, wholesome, happy family while Blitzo’s obsessive fixation on having that exact sort of family dynamic with Loona is presented as one of his biggest FLAWS as a character.

Just compare Blitzo’s fixation on being a wholesome, doting father to a clearly unreceptive Loona to how much of the fandom seems to view Blitzo and Stolas as already being married and Loona and Octavia as already being sisters.

Or just as Blitzo seems unwilling/unable to view Loona as a young adult rather than a child, look at how much of the fandom seems to want to view Loona and especially Octavia as children being raised by their two dads, rather than the two young adults that the show clearly seems to be treating them as.

I’ve spoken before at length about my issues with the fandom’s fixation on Loona and Octavia having a ‘simple and wholesome family relationship’, both with each other and their fathers. And this might be the biggest reason I simply DON’T see the show going in this direction that a lot of the fandom is thinking/hoping it will.

Because it runs counter to what is looking to be a major aspect of Blitzo’s character arc as both a father and a person in general: Learning to stop chasing the nebulous, vaguely defined idealized relationships he’s been so obsessively fixated on, and realizing that he CAN have the close, happy, validating personal connections he’s so desperate for if he simply opens up emotionally to the people around him and recognize how much they DO actually care about him. Like how Moxie may not appreciate his clingy attempts at being a family, but clearly would be happy to have Blitzo as a close friend. Or how Loona isn’t and was never the young, innocent child Blitzo wanted her to be, but she still appreciates him as a father who has helped her.

As I detailed in another post; Helluva Boss seems to be a story all about showing characters in messy, dysfunctional, dare I say… problematic relationships, yet also showing those characters that do genuinely care about each other can still work through and overcome their problems to find genuine happiness and fulfillment with each other. Not in some idealized ‘perfect’ sense, but one that works nonetheless.

--

*Which becomes rather tragically ironic when we see that Loona does recognize and appreciate the fact that Blitzo cares about her. And even recognizes how dysfunctional their relationship is, given her ‘this kind of shit gets messy’ and ‘everybody’s got issues’ lines. But while Loona might recognize this, Blitzo clearly does NOT. And given how neither of the two are any good at meaningful communication, it gives the sense that Loona’s lashing out at Blitzo is in part kind of the only way she has to enforce personal boundaries around him.

**This actually makes it all the more ironic that when Loona and Octavia actually meet, Octavia’s mere presence seems to immediately encourage Loona to start acting more mature and insightful than we’ve ever seen her. Which in turn is why I think it’s pretty clear that a friendship between these two is so significant: Loona and Octavia each represent something the other desperately needs in her life, and a clear contrast from their complicated, dysfunctional relationships with their respective fathers.

[fancyfeathers]

HEY JUST WANTED TO SAY I LOVE YOUR BLOG. it really fills my ache for yan mtp content and i read your stuff daily like the newspaper lol. if i were to ask, what is something his darling could do that would truly anger william? like, he is actually shouting at her?? becoming something else entirely.

It would honestly probably be on accident or like a defense mechanism she has built into her, but lashing out at one of his brothers, want to yell at him, fine, but not Albert or Louis. When she does it, it’s sort of how an animal reacts when they are scared, like it is when she is first brought to the Moriarty Estate and Louis is trying to comfort her and sets his hand on her back and she just slaps him without thinking, she doesn’t like to be touched, not after… not after what happened to her…

But Louis understands why…

“Are you alr-“

“Shut up, just leave me alone! I hate everything here! I-I can’t…”

“It is going-“

“Louis, I can handle her.”

When William speak, it is just brimming with that silent rage he shows from time to time. Now the brothers are all platonic yanderes for their brothers’ darling so Louis is a bit hesitant to leave her alone, but everything will be for the best.

“William, I-I-“

“I do not want to hear it!”

He raised his voice at her, he had never raised his voice at her. He would take her upstairs to her own bedroom that she had before sharing a bedroom with William since this is when she first came to the estate. He isolates her there for at least a few days, literally no human contact but no physical pain since William would rather die than laying a finger on her and honestly physiological punishments tend to work better in his opinion.

This would be the first time she ever got in trouble with William and honestly it was the worst punishment she ever got because after that she was mostly quiet, keeping her head down.

[ikamigami]

TW: suicide, passive suicidality, suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation

It is about that damn episode again and more.

Regardless of what exactly writers wanted to address with Miku in "Sun has a child?" episode there are few things that raise my suspicions because of things that happened before and after that episode.

First things first, I was exaggerating with whole thing that Sun will definitely try to kill himself. That's for sure. And I was exaggerating because of I was in bad mental state. But from that episode alone it's not 100% clear that Sun isn't suicidal.

Because I think that Sun may either think that just because he sometimes wishes to be dead or just to disappear but doesn't want to die doesn't mean he's suicidal or he's aware that he's suicidal but is ashamed by having these thoughts and hides it because he doesn't want to burden others with it - being afraid that his suicidal thoughts and ideation are selfish.

I said that Sun most probably lashed out at Miku because she's creepy stalker fangirl who few moments ago tried to force a romantic relationship on him and even told him that they have a kid.

He said that he has anger issues - though he doesn't act as if he truly had them - him lashing out in anger might be his defense mechanism caused by abuse and lack of self-confidense and feelings of worthlesness. Lashing out in anger might be a sign of someone struggling with depression. Like I said many times I think that Sun is struggling from depressive psychosis which is actually a Major Depressive Disorder with psychotic features.

Even if lashing out in anger may seem as understandable in a cases Sun was angry - at Miku, at Eclipse, at Puppet or at Catnap - the truth is that such excessive anger that Sun showed isn't a good thing. Sun should learn how to let out his emotions in healthy way. We can clearly see that Sun lashing out in anger is caused by stress and anxiety that Sun usually bottles up in himself for the sake of his family.

Another thing is that Sun didn't want to talk with Earth about it because as he said "there are signs but it's not that" - "there are signs" reffers to what Miku said that there are many signs that Sun is suicidal or at risk of taking his own life, "but it's not that" could've been an attempt to tell us that Sun isn't suicidal but it's something else. But the way Sun immediately wanted to comfort Lunar because his problems aren't as much important as others' issues clearly shows us that whatever "but it's not that" means, Sun doesn't consider it worth talking about.

And to get it across - "there are signs but it's not that" implies that Sun thinks that whatever his issues are were mistaken as him being suicidal which begs the question: what issues or problems or anything Sun must have that they could've been mistaken as him being suicidal? And why Sun doesn't want to talk about it with Earth if it's not a big deal? Could Earth also be mistaken by that whatever "but it's not that" means if Sun told her about it?

Now let's talk about why people got to conclusion that Sun is suicidal - no it's not only because of that one line - whoever is saying that mocks other people.

First things first, Sun said "sometimes I wish I was dead" then later he was ready to sacrifice himself to help get rid of Eclipse. He also said to computer to shoot him with lasers. He was suffering from hallucinations - and the show used term schizophrenia which is very dangerous disorder for a person who suffers from it, so it's not a "no biggie". Later Moon called Sun schizo and bipolar - further cementing in viewers minds that Sun suffers from mental disorder. Later we were told that Sun is going to therapy off-screen which implies him healing off-screen as well. But because writers decided to put him in the background and later showed him lashing out in anger and later even make him start drinking alcohol it caused people to not believe in off-screen healing - which is actually very understandable and reasonable.

Sun and Moon Show isn't the first roleplay story the VAs made. And it's not the first story they made that have serious and heavy topics in it. So it's not that VAs don't know what they're doing. Yes, they're not professionals but they know vaguely what works and what doesn't work in infinite series.

Why I'm saying all of this? Because it's actually hard to believe that they wanted fans to buy Sun's off-screen healing and that he's okay now.

There are also other things that contradict the often repeated statement that VAs can't talk about suicide in their show - no, I'm not talking about YouTube guidelines. I'm talking about things that happened in the show itself.

First - many characters including the MCs repeated to Eclipse that he should kill himself. Show also implied that Eclipse might be suicidal. Second - Moon before his mental breakdown tried to harm himself possibly to kill himself because he was supposed to be able to bring Solar back and in order to do that someone have to sacrifice themselves. It could be a one time thing but it's still showing that Moon struggled with suicidal ideation. Third - Sun was joking that Catnap might be his thirteenth reason which is a refference to show "Thirteen reasons why" which is a show about a character who committed suicide and why she did that. Even if it was a joke - jokes about suicide should be treated seriously especially considering that Sun said it when he lashed out at Catnap and basically trauma-dump on him. Fourth - Moon's concern about Sun being self-destructive - such concerns should never be dismissed without discussion - it's highly likely that Earth ignoring these concerns caused Moon to have that vivid dream where Sun died by sacrificing himself to protect Lunar.

Is it possible that with "Sun has a child?" episode VAs tried to tell us, fans that Sun isn't suicidal or that he won't kill himself - while it might be true the way they addressed it caused many to treat it as a joke and nothing more because they addressed it in a joke episode. Many people thought it was cringe at most - and some considered it offending because a few "bad apples" among fans were lump together with people who were self-projecting onto Sun because to cope with their mental issues and trauma or because they were relating to him. Regardless of true intentions this episode left a bad taste in mouths of many fans.

Later in recent family therapy episode on laes Moon told Sun that Lunar might still be not okay while doing silly things such as Lunar's receptionist schtick. And Sun's response clearly showed us that Sun didn't consider something like that as an option. And we know that he knows that someone can act as if everything was okay but still not being okay because he was doing that for most of his life. Because he had to be okay for Old Moon's sake. That's why I find Sun's surprised reaction odd.

Maybe actually there's more going on in Sun's head that for some reason only known to him he can't tell anyone about it. Maybe actually Sun was surprised by Moon's statement not because he'd never thought that Lunar might be hiding their issues but because he's hiding his own issues but he thinks that's okay to do so. And why he'd think that it's okay to hide his own issues? Because when he's saying that he's fine others don't have to worry about him. After all he's the one others go to when they're feeling down - sounds familiar, right?

Yes, Sun most probably won't try to kill himself. But I think that he thinks that things would be better if he was dead. But because he doesn't want to die and he doesn't want to leave his family, he probably doesn't consider these thoughts as suicidal or even when he maybe probably was contemplating jumping off the railing of their lighthouse, he didn't do that hence he isn't suicidal - even if it's passive suicidality or passive suicidal ideation - he doesn't consider that he is like that because he doesn't want to die, because after all, he didn't do anything to himself. And he most probably thinks - why bother anyone if it's nothing? Why make them worried if he's not suicidal?

That's why I think that "but it's not that" line meant either that Sun doesn't consider himself to be suicidal or that he thinks that he's selfish for having thoughts like that. And even if Sun doesn't think that things that I stated in this post don't make him suicidal, it doesn't immediately mean he isn't.

[nestaismommy]

This was submitted by @alwaysbeingme98

They said they wanted to know my thoughts on this. I’m sorry I’m late, I get a lot of notifications so it’s hard to keep up.

No actually, most of the things he did weren’t out of the “goodness” of his heart.

1) The bargain

That stupid bargain was only beneficial to Rhysand, he could’ve easily healed her without taking advantage of her vulnerable state. Instead, he twists the bone in her arm to cause her pain so that she can agree. She didn’t have a choice.

I bared my teeth. “Go. To. Hell.”

Swift as lightning, he lashed out, grabbing the shard of bone in my arm and twisting. A scream shattered out of me, ravaging my aching throat. The world flashed black and white and red. I thrashed and writhed, but he kept his grip, twisting the bone a final time before releasing my arm.

2) helping her with the task.

Feyre was the only person who could save him. Of course he was gonna help her win so that he can have his freedom. He expected Tamlin to help Feyre escape, but he didn’t help her escape either. The difference is that Tamlin was being watched, but Rhysand wasn’t. He was trusted by Amarantha. He got out of her court on calanmai. He knew how to get out. He knows how to winnow.

3) He made his spies strip her, paint all over her body, and dress her in something that barely even covered her. And then, making her dance for him between his legs, and having her sit on his lap. All of this, in front of the whole court. I’m sorry but his reason never made sense. He didn’t want to have Amarantha suspect anything because of the bargain he made with Feyre, but if the bargain was putting Feyre in danger, why did he make her agree to it in the first place considering it was never beneficial to her? If he was worried about what Amarantha’s servants would do, then could’ve told them to stay away from Feyre. He already told them before and they stopped.

“No more household chores, no more tasks,” he said, his voice an erotic caress. Their yellow eyes went glazed and dull, their sharp teeth gleaming as their mouths slackened. “Tell the others, too. Stay out of her cell, and don’t touch her. If you do, you’re to take your own daggers and gut yourselves. Understood?”

Rhysand mind controlled them so that they won’t touch her. That was before they knew about the bargain. That was a harmless way of protecting her.

The lady of the autumn court helped Feyre, Lucian helped Feyre. They helped without causing her any harm.

Making her drink so that she forgets the nightly horrors? That is the worst excuse I have ever heard in all of my seventeen years. First of all, if those nights were so terrifying, why did you have her there in the first place? Oh to not make Amarantha suspect. Why would she suspect? Because I made a bargain with Feyre. WHY DID YOU MAKE THAT BARGAIN?? exactly, I don’t know either. He never even explained why. Also, if you wanted her to forgot you could’ve just erased her memories considering you’re daemati.

Almost everything Rhysand did could’ve been done way differently. All of that dancing and bullshit was unnecessary, the bargain was unnecessary. He could’ve just healed her, or helped Lucian get to her so that he can heal her instead.

So no, there wasn’t really a good reason behind his actions except for helping her with the task.

Nesta didn’t hurt people because she had bad intentions or because she hated them. It was a defense mechanism. It’s wrong, but it was because of her. She was unwell. She had a lot of built up anger, and she lashed out at the wrong people. (not all the time but you get the point.)

Nesta and Rhysand cannot be compared that way, because even if Rhysand had good intentions, his actions are still terrible. And he chose to do them. It wasn’t because he was traumatized. At least we know that Nesta had built up anger because of everything that happened to her, what’s the explanation behind Rhysand’s actions? That he was protecting Feyre by sexually assaulting and abusing her even thought he could’ve just left her alone.

Although there’s an explanation behind Nesta’s treatment towards Feyre, Nesta’s behavior was still wrong, I won’t deny that. But Rhysand was also wrong. But they are both different. You cannot compare Nesta’s rudeness to Rhysand’s abuse and assault. That’s not how it works.

“If Rhys had done everything Nesta did to Feyre nobody would forgive him…..because he’s a man”

So you won’t forgive him if he was rude, but you’ll forgive him if he sexually assaults and abuses Feyre.

Y’all are misogynistic, it’s so obvious no matter how many times you try to deny it.

And finally, both Nesta and Rhysand are morally grey. And both should be held accountable for their actions. Not just Rhysand.

I’d like to hear your thoughts too. Feel free to reblog and express your opinion.

[jaynnie-jane]

Yesterday a therapist pushed every single pain button I may or may not have. She was deliberately trying to get a rise from me for diagnostic purposes. She did it for an hour and a half.

I went in for an Autism assessment, as suggested by my therapist of six months (with weekly visits). Me, a 34 year old female that went undiagnosed ADHD until 30. So, you can guess I have some pretty epic coping mechanisms/ masking tendencies.

For that hour and a half I sat, politely corrected, straight up agreed while reframing her hurtful judgements. I am used to de-escalating, re-framing and forgiving people for inflicting their world view on me.

Now, for those of you that have been following along, you know I've had a particularly rough year. Over the last month I've been diligent with addressing my hurt, learning to comfort myself and trying to allow negative thoughts to be just that "The thoughts are real but they don't have to be true" is a mantra that has been so helpful for me.

So yesterday, I bore the onslaught then and there, as I've been practicing SO HARD with not being defensive, being curious and remembering that love binds us all.

But, I am still not so practiced at holding myself in loving kindness and compassion as I am toward others. I am my biggest and most unfair critic. Most of us are.

When I left, I tried to keep it together. I tried to find a way to deal with all of these horrible things in a way I could bare. Every negative thought I have been having about myself for six months was magnified 10 fold. A trained psychologist had just spent an hour and a half telling me I wasn't good enough and I couldn't console myself. I cried painfully (my back, chest and neck are still sore from holding myself so stiffly) for two hours (holy shit I didn't realise it was that long) before giving in and doing something I have never done before: I asked someone to take me to hospital because I was really scared I was going to kill myself.

About 6 hours after the appointment I had calmed down with the help of 25mg of quetiapene and loving company. The horrible voices, images of flashing, self destructive impulse and the intense hopelessness of trying to live had fadded to an echo. I went to sleep feeling surprisingly okay. I woke up this morning feeling weirdly at peace. There was still lingering negative self judgement but I just kept giving that a hug.

My parents called the place to complain. In doing so it was confirmed that this therapist had INTENTIONALLY tried to break me because "She presented so well, she wasn't going to meet any of the criteria so I needed to try to push her buttons".

I feel such an intense welling of pride when I think about how everything happened. At every step I assumed she was ignorant. I knew at every step along the way that what she was doing was not okay. When it wasn't explicit I sat with it and reminded myself to trust that it was coming from a good place and that the little spikes of hurt are okay and I can work through them.

While expressing how horribly I felt about it all I also made sure to defend her and think about her "normal" clients and how her behaviour either wouldn't be that way at all or would come across as validating to parents of autistic kids.

When my brain started yelling abuse at myself I watched a protective anger wrap around me. The problem was that the protective anger also wrapped me up against my parents and Josh. As much as I needed those people SO much in those first two hours I knew I couldn't trust myself not to lash out at them. I knew that this protective anger (to stop me from hurting myself) was not capable of interacting with them in love.

If I ever needed a test to truly see myself as loving, kind, understanding, compassionate and forgiving of others yesterday was it.

After learning that a trained psychologist, someone that KNOWS exactly how to hurt someone did exactly that to me I feel such a profound love and pride for myself.

Despite how I felt about myself, about being a burden and less than the thing that stopped me doing something dumb was love. I love my parents and Josh and I knew that as much as I saw myself as a burden and I was so tired of this constant battle with self hate it would break their worlds if I no longer existed.

It was that recognition of love and me not wanting to hurt them that drove me to reach out and ask for help.

Tara Brach talks about how when we don't love ourselves we can't accept it from others and I think yesterday I saw that proven because the person I was a month or two months ago would have been in a lot of strife. It scares me and saddens me greatly to think how differently yesterday could have played out.

It's a harsh way to have meditation, self acceptance and love tested but here I am, knowing to my core that it has been helpful.

Now, I have a renewed sense of speaking up for myself earlier instead of just forgiving and moving on. Now, I know for sure that deep down I am not a "bad person" because I was ready to give my attacker the benefit of the doubt.

It has been an AWFUL thing to go through but I am so grateful for this current sense of pride in my forgiveness, love and self preservation.

I have such a strong feeling that I am allowed to be who I am. Going through this, I'm okay with my fears.

I am afraid of being a burden.

I am afraid of letting people down.

I am afraid of not feeling like I can speak up for myself.

I am afraid of not being understood or believed.

I am afraid of others expectations on me.

I am afraid of causing hurt to another.

I want to learn how to embrace these things, while also applying them to myself.

Janey, I love you, I am proud of you. We got this.

[metallteeff]

i’m going to gush about this book under the cut because it might be my favorite book ever

i’m not going to say bpd is perfectly correlated with the idea of a mirror or that everyone with bpd has an obsession with The Mirror or mirror imagery because i feel people would take that the wrong way and understand it as vanity but this book is not only a mirror to me but also perfectly explains this idea of The Mirror through her what she’s experienced and having little or no identity. The idea of forcing yourself to paint an image on a mirror instead of just wearing your clothes. i’m using more prose than review but this books has made so much easier for me to understand how much of my thought process is powered by my bpd, and usually this would be one of the most earth shattering things, because that idea that bpd has so much control over me makes me feel like a dissected bug something disgusting and vulnerable but this book says that exactly before i can even finish the thought. it repeats thoughts u had yesterday from a book written years before i had it. it presents every thought i’ve had or tried to push down right in front of me on a published page.

bpd for me makes it so hard to connect because of this imaginary game of social connection you start to make up in your head. you’re trying to play chess with checkers and you don’t even know how either game works. the author lisa johnson lays out exactly the web of her life and connections and her idea of tactics that play out seemingly without her executive decision. these things just happen because she wants them to so she acts on them. this is the only way something can happen when you’re thinking through the way bpd works. you’re forced down a cattle canal with a nail gun at the end. it’s a one track mind sent down a labyrinth of choices and you’re poorly equipped for strategy.

not only that but the dissection of the facade(s) that come with having bpd is also wonderfully done (and how could it not be when told by someone with bpd). so often are facades presented as two layers: something to lure and something to trap. something delicious that leads to torture. with this people think those with bpd only aim to do these things, that we are oriented around the goal of destruction and only get to know people to slowly close our jaw over them. i think then too many people with bpd add this idea and belief as another layer onto our made up game of charades and chess. if you know i have this then you won’t love me anymore, that’s when ill have to flare or fringe and quills. i’ll have to do this to show you you’re right and wrong, that im awful and scared. that i am a defense mechanism as a whole. the book starts with this presentation too, making the read feel as though you’re following and outsiders path in. it begins with repeating talk of celebrities and house fires and the fascinations with public meltdowns. the connection you have to public figures pushed to their limit and lashing out and arguing tabloids reports like that’s a person in itself. this follows up with an incredibly clinical chapter, and if we treat this book in itself as a person (as its later described as) it feels distinctly placed there to make up for the gossip of the last chapter. this continues on as we get deeper and more personal with the authors life and the back and forth becomes clear this is the every day change and adjustment with bpd.

i’ve never read a book that feels like i am just reading my own diary with different names, jobs, and places. she discusses how her art and writing seems to teeter on being a favorite person itself, how when you have no identity it’s not just “hard to maintain a relationship” it’s utterly impossible to understand what attraction is. how aversion to comfort is more plausible but wonders why nothing you choose is comfortable. how analytical you have to be with bpd, weighing pros and cons, which without explanation seems as cold and callous “strategy” to anyone without it (though it’s just so you make the “better decision” in the end). this book is catharsis for every article that focuses on the bpd’s loved ones pain rather than that affected by the disorder. for every time you ask “what about me?” through gritted teeth and green eyes this book shares that deep inside grinding pain saying “i know”. it’s such a wonderful book that i really genuinely do start to get light headed reading this.

it’s a hard read, not in terms of content or a sudden wave of self loathing, but because it starts to destroy the wall or hole many with bpd have surrounding loneliness. “there is no one like me” is destroyed when you read lisa johnson describe your life in fine detail in the exact code words you always use so no one will know what is actually going on inside. when you cuts in clippings from artists, psychological studies, and pop culture i see my art fold out in front of me too, trying to make this same exact message. when this feeling of utter god awful loneliness starts to be dismantled by her words you see piece by piece what yours is actually made up of, where it came from, and how to discard it. there are people like you, but we all are so utterly terrified of being turned inside out we don’t just build a barrier, we incase ourselves in resin to sit and wait and be chipped out. consider this book the hammer and chisel.

i recommend this book to absolutely anyone. if you have bpd you will find some solace in it in certain, i’ve found it in every page down to every paragraph. if you love someone or even know someone with bpd i really encourage you to read it. it’s not just a bullet point list of things that ppl with bpd do or feel like, it is drenched in what having it is like. the formatting and text is sporadic with lines that imitate self harm inflictions littering breaks between paragraphs at random. words get bolded and each word of sentences are broken up by periods. italics shrink to the bottom of the page and font changes mid paragraph when floundering to keep up an appearance. it’s an insightful book because reading it you experience these episodes along with them happening. it leads you on a simulation of how out of control thus disorder is and feels. if you’re struggling to understand your loved one or yourself this book lays it out down to having a readers guide with questions to answer in the back.

it’s been an incredibly beautiful experience to read through this and see oddities i thought were disgusting exist in another human being as it’s always easier to understand and be kind to another’s pain than your own. reaaaaaad it.

[mavis-merry-magnolia]

next question

i think you will like this one...

what parts of hanekawa makes her your favorite? give me the full blorbo thoughtdump 😈

OH so you want it to be go time? It's go time? I suppose it's go time.

Note I am NOT a writer or well articulated so this is going to be ALL over the place fdjkhds.

So just to begin, Hanekawa is such a fun and mysterious character for a lot of Bakemonogatari. She's literally the first character we're introduced to properly other than Koyomi. And their very first scene already establishes that they have some history together, what with her seemingly being Koyomi's only friend. And shows us a couple flashes of Black Hanekawa but refusing to elaborate. And the season just continues to drip feed us that there is just something UP with the sweet little glasses wearing student council president. Allusions to spring break, and Something happening during Golden Week that Koyomi and Meme don't really elaborate on much. Her genuinely offputting comments about the way Koyomi hitting Mayoi and how he's "supposed" to do it, combined with the fact she could see Mayoi at ALL once it's revealed what exactly Mayoi is and how her mechanics work. The fact that whenever she's on the phone she's NEVER at home, always wandering the streets. It builds up so much subtle intrigue in what the hell is going on with her behind the scenes, given that Koyomi basically outright idolizes her and talks up how amazing and perfect she is in most cases.

I'm a very big fan of these kinds of setups for characters and their arcs. It's why i'm currently so fascinated with how information and scenes regarding Ougi are being dripped out and revealed across Second Season. But I digress.

And then Tsubasa Cat rolls around and begins to shed some light on just exactly how NOT okay she is by revealing information on her home life, as well as the beginnings of exactly what the hell went down during golden week. It's at this point that the narrative starts to pick at the part of her that it's kept hidden so far. How much of her Good Girl act is a raw self defense mechanism for her. She's never had anyone she could actually open up to like Koyomi before. She just so...casually talks about the abuse she's suffered to him.

To go on a small tangent, a character trait about Koyomi that I like is that he's really willing to throw himself under the bus for the sake of cheering others up if need be. During the talk where Hanekawa talks about her father hitting her, he realizes that he can't really...do anything about it, and can see that she's getting really upset and desperate when she asks him not to tell anyone. So he starts going on a goofy little pervy bit to cheer her up, since she likes his weird sense of humor. It's a really sweet moment for them.

Anyway, back on topic. Not to detail my own life all too much but, the way Hanekawa defends herself from her environment and the world around her hits VERY close to home with my own experiences. As someone who's had to constantly mask and people please her whole life, it hits so close to home seeing how she handles all of that and...the consequences it has, in the form of Black Hanekawa.

This is just me speaking entirely from my own experiences but, learning from the Nekomono Duology that ultimately even with the influence of the Sawari Neko, Black Hanekawa is STILL Hanekawa, hit really close to home, in the way that when stresses in my life build up like this, due to my own masking and outright rejection or ignoring of them, it manifests in....destructive episodes. I start thinking, talking, and acting erratically in a way that doesn't feel like Me at all. I've ended up nearly permanently damaging very close and important relationships to myself several times because of this. I don't feel like myself at all, like I become a totally different person. And, I dunno, I just...I really felt something seeing Tsubasa be pushed to her breaking point and lashing out at everything around her in a similar way. It made me really...invested. In seeing where her character would go after that.

Augh and speaking of where her character goes like...I've mentioned it in past posts but I love how absolutely dynamic of a character she is too. Like, we've gotten to see her ENTIRE journey through this story. From her mysterious introduction in Bake, seeing her chronological introduction in Kizumonogatari and just...seeing how MUCH her and Koyomi went through together. With Kizu you can just...it's SO easy to see how Tsubasa fell in love with him. Their budding friendship and complicated feelings for one another through the story arc are SO sweet and precious to me. Like. For every part of her that's a front, she really is just a sweetheart underneath it all. She just isn't able to express it all healthily. I mean, her persistence and care managed to break through Koyomi's shell at his MOST soggiest and cringiest. And then Nise...while she doesn't appear much, I REALLY like how she's shown here, taking the aftermath of Tsubasa Cat where everyone just kinda...puts a bandaid on the situation.

Okay doubling back to talk about that, something that I think makes Tsubasa Cat stand out compared to the other 4 Bake arcs is that each of the other arcs resolve themselves pretty soundly? Like yeah we know that down the road more complications arise but, looking at the story in the order it's written, pretty much all of the arcs have a solid and happy end. But that doesn't really happen with Tsubasa Cat, because the issue of Hanekawa being unable to express her feelings just isn't addressed at all. We just go back to ignoring it and hoping for the best. And I love how Tsubasa tries to give off the air that something has changed. Wearing contacts and cutting her hair. Hair cutting being a pretty common symbolism of change and all. But...it's both superficial. It's another act, and I love it. I've been there myself so many times. Acting like i've made a big change to fix something going wrong when really...it's a lie i'm telling myself and to others.

And then there's the Nekomono Duology just, making EVERYTHING come full circle. The full explanation of just What Black Hanekawa is and how she relates to how Tsubasa is. Tsubasa spending time with Hitagi, who helps her start to break down some of the barriers she's put up, with their discussion of cooking among other things. Kako manifesting at a time that Koyomi is NOT there anymore for her to fall back on and depend on, forcing her to take what she learned from spending time with Hitagi, Karen and Tsukihi to heart and just...coming to terms with herself. ALL parts of herself. Tsubasa, Black Hanekawa, and Kako all together. Finally coming to change herself for REAL and make REAL steps towards healing and growth, symbolized far more proper by Black Hanekawa and Kako's white hair mixing with her natural black....it all comes together so wonderfully. And it's really helped me start to figure myself out in a similar way and make real, ACTUAL changes for the better for myself.

It's the narrative in Monogatari that has hit me the absolute hardest to date and I love every second devoted to it.

...and on a much less personal level, I just think she's really funny and cute in how she bounces off of all the other FREAKS in this cast. It's hard to call anyone in Monogatari "Normal" but I think she plays a hilarious straightman in most situations she's thrust into.

Gods and I've barely even talked about Black Hanekawa or Kako have I? Silly cat and Angy cat. The fact that Yui Horie can have such a distinct range for Tsubasa and Black Hanekawa is amazing, on top of the fact she has to pepper all those nyas into her speech too. I just love that the manifestation of Tsubasa's repressed stress and feelings is just acting like a silly catgirl who fucking GETS you. I wish that's how my stress manifestations were.

I've been typing this for like, an hour and I still feel like there's more I can say jdkhdf.

Basically. I love her so much. All of her. And she's been helping me understand and come to love all of me too.

[hotsugarbyglassanimals]

this is untagged sorry

The hardest thing for me to grapple with post emotional abuse is coming to terms with how much of it was likely done on purpose, the fact that it WAS actually abuse, and how much it is affecting me years later cause ive never properly addressed it w/ real guidance.

I dont even know how to explain that it’s not even just a matter of like. oh i’m mad/sad this person treated me like shit it’s more like the way I was treated seeps into how I interact with people to this day! but if I like . talk about it i may have to deal w/ assholes who think i couldn’t get over a high school ex or something. god forbid they live through someone completely eroding their sense of self. I can’t even explain how that feels, but it made me suicidal. It felt like I’d only stop feeling like I belonged to her (not with her, TO her) if I were dead. (thankfully it went away). it’s not even about Her as a modern day person, but the construct of her that exists in the past. I never have nightmares where she looks how she actually looks nowadays, it’s only ever how she looked as a teen. When I get triggered because there’s someone who looks like her, it’s the same way. It’s the past version of her that haunts me.

Not to mention how warped my view of sexuality got. I became too eager to sexually please people, im lucky that im in a healthy relationship where im not exploited anymore. I started off associating affection heavily with performing sexual acts… My body doesn’t react to stimulus that used to turn me on. I have a time limit during sex until I’m just not able to continue, regardless of what happened. Idk if it was dysphoria before top surgery but anything involving my chest would make me tear up because of what she did to me. I bend down and pick things up in such a specific way because of how she used to see me as a sex object. She didn’t respect my dysphoria. She touched my chest through my binder or would stick her hands under it, because her pleasure was more important than my comfort.

I put up such a facade of stoicism and strength after breaking up with her because any hint of vulnerability with her had me treated as an inconvenience. I was such a confident and self assured person before I dated her, a defense mechanism for how much I was outcasted by others sure, but I didn’t let people try to get me down. But I slowly let her sand the edges off of me because I felt I would lose her if I didn’t. I was someone who wasn’t afraid of telling people when something was wrong or when I was bothered, but with her I accepted it. I felt resigned to it. She’d lash me into submission.

I always thought maybe she was like that cause she was just an emotionally immature teenager who didn’t know better. But I don’t think so anymore. She admitted to me that she was being demanding and cruel (“pestering”) because she wanted sexual pleasure from me but was so mad that I didn’t have time to invite her over. She lied to my face about respecting whatever decision I made irt leaving her out of my life or letting her back in… Only to guilt trip and try to manipulate me into letting her back in, not taking no for an answer until I told her to back off and blocked her. Most people with shit exes just complain about how much they sucked. I saw her when she was working once years later, froze in a panic, and ran away out of desperation. Her sending me a message to reconnect with me after we broke up while I was working through trauma sent a chill up my spine. that’s not normal.

I won’t ever know her train of thought when we dated. and she would never give me an honest account of that. she may not have calculatedly went “i’ll act like this to make them do that” but she expressed her feelings with the expectation that I’d change my behavior to please her, then lashed out when it didn’t work. I thought she just didn’t want us to argue when we disagreed with something… but getting your partner to shut up about a topic you disagree with them on, then essentially saying fuck you to them when they bring it up again later is… Bad. and I really do mean Shut Up. She’d tell me to drop a conversation at any sign of a disagreement, and I thought this was reasonable because we agreed we wouldn’t talk about religion (she was a christian at the time, i was an atheist and still am one) but it didn’t stop at that.

I have a difficult time processing all of it. I still have a hard time believing she acted the way she did as a conscious choice, especially because of our ages at the time (14-16). I don’t even really know what a reasonable expectation would be for someone to act at that age, because I don’t even remember what it was like. genuinely. When I look back at it all, it feels like there were a few years where someone else was in my body instead of me. I don’t quite remember my thought processes. I remember how I felt, I just don’t feel like my decisions were my own. Just a poor child who I watched go through all of that.

This way longer than I thought it was going to be and I don’t even feel like I scratched the surface of how I’m feeling right now. I just feel damaged and it has nothing to do with her, who she is as a person, right now and more to do with the fact that I feel like a plate that was thrown at a wall, shattered, and somewhat glued back together. I have cracks all over me and it’d be ridiculous to act like I don’t. I’m not a “broken” person per say but I’ve been changed

[un-deserts-your-bluffs]

midnight for eden and fear for jade :]

HI SONDEY :] (ask game here!) midnight: What keeps your OC up at night? Do they have nightmares? Fears? Anxieties? What do they do in the small hours of the morning when they should be sleeping? oh good lord eden has a lot of these. most often, she has nightmares- mostly about being kidnapped and mind controlled by someone she thought was her friend (blinky) , but also getting shot by her closest friend (which he did to break her out of said mind control). she thinks about dying a lot too, considering, well, she did die for a bit. she worries that blinky is watching her (well, he is because he has to, but she worries he's going to hurt her again.) she worries that she's been irreversibly broken by her job, by what happened to her because of it, that she'll never be loved again (and sometimes, that she never was loved- that she was just a pawn. she always is anyway.) when she's supposed to be sleeping, she writes in her journal- poetry, dreams, stories, everything. she's also been getting into cooking, but she sucks ASS at it (nyquil chicken, anyone?) so.... that may or may not stick around. we'll see. fear: What is your OC's greatest fear? What do they do when confronted with it? Are they open with their fear, or do they hide it away? jade. jade jade jade. oh boy. they're afraid of a lot, but most deeply, they're afraid that they'll never be loved- that they're going to do something wrong and be left alone again like always. when they're confronted with it, they lash out or joke about it. it's mostly a defense mechanism- if i hurt them before they can hurt me, i'll be okay- but it doesn't help them much, considering it just makes them end up alone. that is, until Night Vale. they didn't used to be open about their fear- they didn't used to be open about anything, but with the constant, reassuring presence of their friends (and so much therapy. holy shit get my boy into a therapist's office NOW) they've started to be more open about it. their closest friends probably know, though i doubt everyone does. they still have to work on their self-sabotaging tendencies, but they have help now. they know they're not going to lose their friends again.