#something a little more serious now

[en-chi-la-da]

OTHER THAN A VAMPIRE OBVS i think he would be a hamster! not bc i think that's what he would dress up as for halloween, but bc that's what i want him to dress up as for halloween :) lmao here's also a bonus doodle of him dressed as a bat <3 bc i think he's cute <3

[mohntilyet]

Personal headcanon about the "you picked the wrong dellamorte" line, I don't think illario actually likes rook outside the context of them being someone close to lucanis. Like rook on their own isn't much to him, but when they meet it's yet another person talking about his cousin (why isn't he good enough for whatever job they're hiring for?) and on top of that they somehow bring him back from the dead (another whole can of worms for illario). Now he starts turning on the charm, but whether he's actually interested or this is just one more thing his cousin has that he doesn't and it gets under his skin, who knows. Either way, rook ignores illario, the guy who lives off his charm, and is instead interested in the guy who's never even dated before and thinks giving someone a knife is how to flirt. Infuriating

NO THANK YOU !! i am genuinely sorry if i have ever implied illario is into rook like i see some takes about it and unless it like ties into your rook's personal backstory i don't seriously think he's romantically jealous. at all. my enjoyment of that line stems from illario's pathological need to make it about himself and not see his strengths but what lucanis has, and therefore what he doesn't. he's annoyed enough to try and goad you in the middle of a fight about the 'wrong' dellamorte and completely blind to the fact that the venatori are at best, a stupid fucking alliance, and at worst, a cult that will devour the crows from the inside out and illario would have been the one to give them the keys. he sees lucanis make allies, needs his own, and instead of charming the other talons/houses as he should, he (probably spitefully) picks the venatori. or maybe he just thought it would be easier. ugh he makes me want to telekenetically throw him around

[buboplague]

I've been on a small reading binge the last month, anyone have book recommendations? Any genre is fine, but preferably something a bit lighthearted, or easy/fun reads!

edit: oooo thank you guys!! I'll be checking out the ones I have library access to!

[tleeaves]

There are two wolves inside me. One wants to embrace a new hobby in dance so I can be active and feel elegant and graceful and strong. This wolf wants to try something new and exciting, finally indulging in something I've always had an interest in.

The other experiences such frustrating emotions on a near daily basis that I want to go back to boxing, which is arguably easier to break into since I've already done it before. This wolf doesn't think of elegance, she just wants to fuck shit up until her body's so overworked and warm it fogs up car windows without having to do anything but sit inside.

Which one do I fucking feed??

[royalarchivist]

I won't be posting a clip of it, but for those who are keeping up with Arkanis, Araldo (the current villain in Arkanis) just seemingly destroyed Denix and Amora, the little green and purple ghosties.

(Timestamp: 5h 11m for Pac's stream)

[colorfuldream]

Okay so I've seen it a few times now and there are people who genuinely believe the Squid Sisters have the least content out of every group. I mean, I get forgetting Deep Cuts but the Squid Sisters do have as much as Off The Hook. Sure, OTH is starting to look like favorites now but the SS aren't left behind. Here's an itemized list:

They're in every main story mode. They have three whole games about them. The concept of story mode revolves around them. Just because they aren't proactive in them doesn't make it not count. Their quips and banter are what made us care and learn about them. It did flesh them out. They don't have to actively help to be main characters and receive development. The only game you could argue that is Splatoon 3 but it has a writing problem in general. It did close their story, subtle but interesting and well-written (for what Splatoon is), across the three games.

A short story. They're the only ones who have that. That has insane development, providing a lot of details about them. Like, that's a MAJOR thing that's lore-dumping so many things.

They're in almost every concert. They're in all but two concerts. They're canon too. This gives them a lot of presence in the franchise.

Lots of illustrations. Makes sense. Of course they are with how long they've been around. Still an important sign that they're a major part of the franchise (obviously, the main story is about them). It's always nice to see them in different situations anyways. They also get some lore out of them, fleshes them out and whatever. Which brings me to my next point.

Different outfits. It's not only giving us a sense of how they dress, but it's telling a story. Said it before but, for example, we know Marie likes dressing up for Story Mode and be a mentor of some sort. If you pull that string, you can get that she's someone who puts on a façade depending on the occasion and likes teaching/guiding people, her idea of mature and cool is a traditional outfit from her hometown.

Special Fest variants. Yes, they all do. However, the thing that differentiates them is that this is outside their game and, even though they were mostly reskins, they did get fully new outfits and hairstyles which neither other groups did.

Technically, they got a DLC. Even if it's the old hub and basically promo for Side Order.

They're in Smash Bros. That's not nothing. They're not spirits, they're full-on assist trophies. They better be in it honestly, but it's still something they have over the other two groups. It solidifies their status in the franchise.

Many songs, including remixes. Obviously, but they're also on the Splatfest list which never happened before outside of special events. They started it in Splatoon 2's Final Fest and started it in Splatoon 3's regular Fests. They're trend setters! Which leads me to...

Boss Fight. Final Boss, even. Callie started it. Literally. She fought us. The fact that she was The Final Boss™ puts her above the others. They wish they were her.

Solos. They did it first. They've also got not one but two mash-ups of their solos so it gotta count. I would argue that theirs are special too as they're meant to be solo pieces while the Anarchy Poisons are always put together be it on the soundtrack or the concerts. They were made to, and it's lovely, as Deep Cut's continuing the trend OTH's set: a united group that values each other and their work over fame. Their music is made to be together. Anarchy Rainbow and its Poisons is just that, something that's all of them, always. They were also fused in every live version, and the in-game live version, unlike Tide Goes Out and Bomb Rush Blush. These were forcefully mashed up as each sang over the other, desperately trying to drown out their will and win this fight. It's only now, years later, that they get an unexpected mash-up, joyful and harmonious —which in a way is a part of their story, them reclaiming this song as they bring their solos together. The Squid Sisters are working for themselves, they now do whatever they want with their careers and what they sing, how they sing, when they sing is up to them and only them.

They're the end credits of every game. Special mention to Splatoon 3 that just sacrifices its own idol group for them. Unlike Splatoon 2, Deep Cut was involved in Story Mode and for all the 10 minutes they spent in it, the end credits should have been theirs as they sure as hell didn't get a DLC. Their equivalent was a last minute addition at that, unceremoniously added later on without much spotlight. Jeez, they could have had a second collab song instead or something!

They've got the final battle song for every game. Makes sense because it's their story and their games, it's the culmination of their work every single time. Unlike the credits, they at least shared the spotlight with Deep Cut... Hey, if Marie's their boss, doesn't that make her a part of their group or vice-versa? She better be, she's the one handling their paperwork after all (poor woman, it's a mess too and they're not spending wisely. Shouldn't have been talking about becoming a manager, Marie, you're getting roped up in too much silliness and Callie won't help).

Participation in 2 Final Fests. By that, I mean actually having a team and representing it. Otherwise, they're involved in every Final Fest.

Merch. I mean why wouldn't they have some?? But it had to be added. Special note for the concert CD and special edition. I guess I'd put there the interview bit Marie conducted in Splatoon 3's soundtrack bonuses. That's another bit of trivia/insight on her work. The Nintendo Magazine interviews also count as they're relevant to their characters.

Their song is a major part of their world and franchise. Calamari Inkantation has a special place in the lore and the franchise. It's THE song but also THEIR song.

4 amiibos. They might not give their outfits (which I kinda like because I'm not fond of how they did it for the others) but they give out gear related to their story, the game, and that we should have gotten. At least they're fixing that flaw I guess.

Storyline during the Splatfests. Not sure if it should be added but it did culminate into long lasting conflict between the two of them and started their storyline. Since it's missing in Splatoon 3, I think it should be noted. It fleshes them out and makes them feel a bit more alive, like they're affected by the results.

Most of these could apply to Off The Hook too. My point is that the Squid Sisters haven't been neglected, not from Nintendo's point of view. They're more than included, arguably the stars of Splatoon 1 and 3. The thing is that Off The Hook is the fan favorite right now so most of our attention is on them, not the others. The Squid Sisters have also been so ingrained in the franchise that we're used to it. We readily accepted they would be the stars of Splatoon 3 because they took over most of Splatoon 2 until Octo Expansion. We assumed the other two groups would get DLCs, or that Deep Cut would be involved in OTH's like in the Main Story, only to realize that Nintendo didn't give a damn and gave the spotlight to OTH alone in an attempt to replicate what Splatoon 2 did. Obviously, once we got over Side Order, we kinda realized this was unfair and that there was favoritism. It didn't help that OTH was featured in regular battles and that Splatoon 2 and 3 handled Splatfests differently, with special events and work done to the idols. We've come a long way since the first game, which itself had changed plenty during its time, so it feels unfair that the Squid Sisters didn't benefit from what the others got or for as long. That doesn't mean they didn't get a lot and weren't the favorites for a long time.

Now, I'm gonna address the thing that made me write this in the first place:

They do have a story and development. Just because it wasn't in your face doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Up until Splatoon 3, the story wasn't as obvious as it could be when it came to the idols. Marina's background is clear-cut, because you cannot be too subtle about it, but apart from some big lines, it wasn't directly stated, nor was her development in Octo Expansion (it's heavily linked to Agent 8 and the Octavian but the fact that she comes to be comfortable in what species she is and overcomes her fear of being found out and rejected should count as a story). She's fascinating and it's important to the world.

But that doesn't leave the Squid Sisters flat and boring. They had an arc! Them slowly resenting each other because of their time as Splatcast anchors, because they were always pit against each other, because of the way being an idol works, is a story in itself. It was bad enough to get Callie to free Octavio, who's a terrible, dangerous person as far as she knew then, and go to the Octarians, poor, underground enemies. The Hypno-Shades are more like heavily suggesting you to obey, we know that Callie had some sort of free will to put glitter, of all things, into their ink. She also was fully conscious of her actions when freeing Octavio, and we know this guy isn't a mastermind and world class manipulator. Marie wasn't doing much better, working a lot and being stressed. Fame drove them apart and broke Callie down to the point of going to people who wanted hers dead. She freed a war criminal. Once Marie saved her, mostly from her own despair, they decided to do their own thing. They didn't need fame or their careers. Family was more important. Tidal Rush was their solos crashing against each other, not listening and trying to sing over the opponent, until Marie blasted on a song that meant the world to them. The hymn of sea kind. The song that they won that fateful contest with when they were young, the reason why their dream came true. The song that they sang when safinf their dear grandpa, powerful enough to make Octolings give up everything and try to join the surface. A beautiful memory. Something that was theirs. And so they sang. Together. "I remember everything!" The innocent days they practiced for the contest, the terrifying ride to Inkopolis, the nervousness of their first Splatcast. But they were together. She wasn't alone. Marie had always been on her side. Neither of them wanted this. If it had been up to them, nobody would have compared them to each other. They wouldn't have been choices for their last Splatfest. It's a certain kind of cruel to ask which of the two teenage girls was the better one. Callie wasn't angry at Marie, she was angry at the system. She felt awkward, self-conscious, worthless because of her status as a celebrity, because she as a person didn't matter. Her comfort? Who cares. Take the photos, sing the songs, be careful to be perfect. She was overworked, isolated, and the only person she could count on was put in the same position and told she was a competitor.

Fresh Start is the two of them reconnecting away from show business. Going back to their roots. They stop being idols afterwards, they don't sing much anymore. They get their own careers. Callie slowly finds the strength to be in the spotlight after so long and goes back to acting, unlike Marie this seems to be more of her thing. Marie keeps on with her podcast, now using it to hype Callie up. Splatoon 3 even shows us that Callie is some sort of spokesperson, announcing that an Inkopolis stage will undergo reconstruction. She's rebuilding her career on her own and making it her own. The Squid Sisters, while some of the most people in the world, weren't recognized in the Splatlands. Sure, Shiver and Frye probably didn't give a damn about Inkopolis musicians but Big Man is a fan, he's even showed them their music, and he still didn't recognize them. They're known for their music, their names possibly for themselves. Splatoon 3 is the only game not to give them a story, even its details don't imply much. But the previous two games did.

It's a story of two girls who got famous too soon, too suddenly, and got eaten by showbusiness. It's two young women taking their power back and breaking free from the idol life. It's a family that managed to heal from the damage fame caused over the years.

I dunno but I think it's beautiful and I'm a sucker for stories that criticize being an idol and family coming together. The Squid Sisters' entire thing was being idols, that's their entire concept, especially identical ones which is dehumanizing enough. It's fitting and not something you'd expect out of Splatoon of all places but it's the kind of franchise that gets surprisingly deep and dark in its smallest details.

No, they're not neglected or underdeveloped. Their story is there, just not as flashy as you'd expect. Their presence is something we're so used to that we don't clock it anymore, moreso when the other group gets attention too. Splatoon 3 didn't handle the writing well, as fun and silly as it gets, and it shows in a lot of ways. It's easy to go "so what was the point of the Squid Sisters being there?" when the story didn't bother doing anything with them for once but they weren't the only one neglected nor did they not get content in other ways!

[outlying-hyppocrate]

i have officially returned. ask me anything.

[plan-3-tmars]

just finished reading dungeon meshi (I will never recover) so take some sleepy thistle panels I collected

[commandantexekial]

(Lee walks by Exekial’s office to see Exekial shuffling a bunch of Black Cards, muttering to himself, surrounded by piles upon piles of materials.)

Lee [Entropy]: Commandant? What are you doing?

Exekial: Hm? (Looks up) Oh, hey Lee. I’m counting my funds for Lucia’s new frame.

Lee [Entropy]: Pyroath?

Exekial: Mm.

(Lee enters the office out of curiosity. He cranes his neck over Exekial’s shoulder as Exekial punches some numbers in a calculator.)

Lee [Entropy]: (Frowns) Didn’t we have more black cards? Why do we only have 15k?

Exekial: (Drops a Harmony Accelerator on the ground and frowns at it) I figured that with the accelerated patches, I could try to get Watanabe his weapon. Easily build the funds back and all.

Lee [Entropy]: I see… and did you manage to obtain it?

(Judging by Exekial’s expression, the answer was a resounding no.)

Exekial: (Stoops to pick up the Harmony Accelerator before turning back to take inventory) The only good part about the entire thing was that I scrapped enough together to get Echo a good bow. Now she and Alpha can actually deal some real damage in PPC and War Zone.

Lee [Entropy]: (Crosses his arms) I still can’t believe you replaced me with an Ascendant of all people.

Exekial: (Looks at Lee guiltily) Sorry, Lee. Alpha’s just easier to play, and her leap really takes some of the burden off the powercreep. (Turns back to pile of materials) On the bright side though, I don’t intend to leave you in the dust for too long. I’m gonna get you your Hyperreal frame and Liv her Empyrea frame.

Lee [Entropy]: (Scoffs) A waste of funds, if you ask me. Hyperreal’s already powercrept by Pyroath. (Frowns) And why are you getting Liv’s Empyrea frame? Wouldn’t she get hurt using it?

Exekial: Normally, yes, but remember? We’re outside the bounds of canon when it comes to gameplay. (Taps head) Liv won’t be harmed if she has Empyrea here. Also seeing as she’s the only Fire Amplifier in the game right now, I kinda need her to boost Lucia’s Pyroath capabilities.

Lee [Entropy]: (Wryly) Careful, Commandant, your favoritism is showing.

Exekial: Not at all. And as for Hyperreal, I just think you’re one of the better units to play. Your gameplay’s fun to use, and besides, this is the first time all of you will have the same element. I can’t pass up the thought of having a full Fire Gray Raven team now, can I?

Lee [Entropy]: Now you’re just trying to flatter us.

Exekial: (Shrugs) Flattery or not, it’s the truth. Although, if you’re truly worried about funds, don’t worry. I’m planning on getting your frames from the Selectors.

(Lee doesn’t say anything in response. He picks up one of the Memory Resonance Pick chips and examines it. That’s when he notices the corner filled with skulls. Lots and lots of skulls.)

Lee [Entropy]: Uhhh, Commandant? What is that?

(Exekial turns in the direction Lee is pointing towards. A sheepish expression comes across his face.)

Exekial: Oh, that. Well… (Scratches the back of his neck.) I might��ve tried to attempt Ultimate PPC.

(Lee blinks once. Twice.)

Lee [Entropy]: You what.

(Before Exekial can respond, the door to the lounge opens. Enter Lucia, Ayla, Watanabe, Alpha, and Alisa. All of them are in various beaten up states, with Watanabe having the least amount of scratches.)

Watanabe [Epitaph]: Hm. Well, that was quite a different experience than what I’m used to.

Lucia [Crimson Abyss]: Speak for yourself. Our team barely made the time limit for the last stage. (Begrudgingly jabs a thumb at Alisa.) As much as I hate to admit it, it’s only thanks to her that we managed to beat it at all.

Alisa [Echo]: (With Cecily hovering over her shoulder) I’m glad I can be of service.

Lucia [Crimson Abyss]: Tch.

Ayla [Kaleido]: We weren’t able to make the time limit of the last stage, but Lucia and I still managed to score high enough to get 20 black cards! (Holds the black cards up with a bright smile.)

Lucia [Plume]: (Comes up to Exekial with a solemn expression) Commandant, I request that we never do that ever again.

Exekial: (Rubs the back of his neck sheepishly) Sorry, Lucia. I should’ve known that this week wouldn’t be a good matchup of any of our abilities. But, on the bright side, I got enough skulls to SS your Pyroath frame!

(Lucia brightens at that. Alpha tsks and flicks vital fluid off her katana before sheathing it back into place.)

Lucia [Crimson Abyss]: If our business is done here, I’ll be heading back to my sister now.

Exekial: Alright, Alpha, take care. I’ll see you next week, yeah?

(Alpha only makes a vague gesture as she walks out of the lounge. Everyone watches as the door shuts forcefully behind her.)

Watanabe [Epitaph]: (Wryly) Just as pleasant as the day I first met her.

Exekial: I’m assuming your battles went well, Watanabe?

Watanabe [Epitaph]: (Scratches his chin) Well, it wasn’t exactly a walk in the park, but BLACK★ROCK SHOOTER and I did as well as we could’ve hoped, considering our enemy didn’t have reduced Fire resistance.

Lucia [Plume]: Speaking of, where is she?

Watanabe [Epitaph]: (Shrugs) Not sure. She said something about “taking care of business” and disappeared. But I’m sure we’ll still see her around, at least until Lucia gets her new frame.

Lee [Entropy]: Commandant and I were just talking about that, actually.

Watanabe [Epitaph]: Lucia’s new frame?

Lee [Entropy]: Mm.

Ayla [Kaleido]: (Throws her arms around Lucia and nearly throws her off-balance) I can’t believe Lucia’s leaving me to handle the Ice Team all by myself! We’re already missing a Tank and now we’re losing our only Attacker T_T

Lucia [Plume]: (Sweatdrop) I won’t be leaving you all by yourself, Ayla. I’m sure Commandant has a plan so you aren’t left all alone.

Exekial: Indeed. (Taps terminal and brings up the blueprint of Wanshi’s new frame) HQ informed me that Wanshi’s new frame is coming out right before Lucia, but he’ll be in the dorm shop. I’ll have enough saved by then to grab him.

Ayla [Kaleido]: Oh! Well, if you say so, Commandant. (Lets Lucia go) But I’ll be holding you to your word!

Exekial: (Wryly) I wouldn’t expect anything less of you, Ayla.

Watanabe [Epitaph]: (Stretches and checks his pocketwatch) My comrades are probably getting worried about me, so I’ll have to head out for now. (Waves at Exekial) Same time next week?

Exekial: You know it.

Alisa [Echo]: I’ll take my leave as well. Supposedly there’s still another branch of Utopia that hasn’t been crushed yet. (Performs a complicated farewell salute) Until next week, Commandant.

Exekial: (Bewildered) Uh… sure. Until next week.

Ayla [Kaleido]: (Yawns and checks time) The WGAA probably wants me to finish that painting. Guess I’ll have to pull another all-nighter tonight. (Waves cheerily at Exekial) See you soon, Commandant!

(Everyone leaves one by one. Soon, all that’s left in the Gray Raven lounge is Exekial, Lee, and Lucia.)

Lucia [Plume]: Oh yeah, where’s Liv?

Lee [Entropy]: I think she went to the Science Council for something. Not sure what.

Exekial: She’ll be back before we know it. In the meantime though… (Rubs chin, absentmindedly staring at his office door) I need to take inventory of all the materials I still need for Pyroath. We’re running a bit low on Memory Enhancers and EXP Pods…

Lucia [Plume]: (Frowns) Can’t that wait until tomorrow? The bags under your eyes are rather dark, Commandant…

Exekial: Mm, maybe you’re right. It’s not like I have anything else to do while I wait for your banner anyways.

Lee [Entropy]: (Amused) Don’t forget it’ll still be another four months until it finally rolls around.

Exekial: Don’t remind me.

------------

a/n i'm going insane

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

one odd thing about going deeper is that I'm no longer satisfied with shallower. and that's, weirdly enough, a net positive. I've self harmed - eh, twice? in the last month. both were well into the criteria that should have got sutures and ignored it; suspect I hit a vein once and was extremely close to muscle, which feels kind of odd. yeah, it's ramped up; yeah, there's a lot of blood and all that kind of stuff. very high risk of infection, potential nerve damage and all that kind of stuff (though I have not got either of them; I scared off an infection that wanted to hang round by chucking quantities of alcohol on it). but at the same time. that's only twice. that's a lot better than previously.

[pillowenvelopchair]

It’s pretty weird when you write something and put so so so much effort into planning it out and actually writing out the scene just for you to take a step back realize how flawed it actually is in the bigger picture

[sysig]

Getting closer, getting really close now I swear (Patreon)

[jils-things]

this feels too soon to say because its still not well over a month that i started uni but like...

im quite happy by how things are going now- it doesn't feel all too restrained unlike my past school years. and apart from that, i feel a lot more independent being able to travel miles away from my home which has been my biggest anxiety as i got older. just the fear of getting lost spooks me a whole lot! even if i'm travelling through a planned route, going all by myself is probably the bravest thing i did this year and i say this as an introvert who doesn't go out all too often

[zeb-z]

to be fair, I don't think qroier not trusting qbad is particularly new haha. i think it's been going on for a while even before purgatory. the only thing purgatory did with that particularly relationship is it gave qroier an excuse to be more vocal in his annoyance

( @lucienff the themes of these are similar so I’m answering the ask and responding in one post instead of the comments, hope you don’t mind :3 )

I agree with the read that Roier didn’t particularly trust Bad before, but I think that at a baseline, Roier doesn’t have much trust with most anyone to begin with. I think everything that had happened with Spreen back in the beginning of the server is something that is a large cause in that, because its still something he is suffering from months later - it’s just in true Roier fashion, it’s something he doesn’t really talk about to others. He’s only recently shared it and talked about it with Cellbit.

But even then, he had a respect for Bad. When the eggs first went missing, and they were both visibly affected by the stress, they had moments of somewhat acknowledging the other, but sticking to the script of “oh I’m fine” yknow what I mean? And before purgatory, yeah, there was no doubt that Bad cared for the eggs, and could be trusted in that regard.

But post Purgatory, I think that baseline trust has been shaken. He doesn’t let Bad see Pepito when he visited the castle, makes excuses for him to leave, and then afterwards talks to himself about how he’s angry that everyone seems to have forgotten Purgatory (both in the context that he also doesn’t trust Pepito, and he doesn’t want Bad coming up to him as if the past two weeks didn’t happen). When Leo wakes up, and Bad is around trying to talk with them, he makes a point of pulling her away. Of putting himself between Leo and Bad. And it’s in the subtle, usual jesting way he’s done before with Bad (“you can only drink lava once yknow. sure, try it, I’m not going though!” and “stranger danger Leo, stranger danger!” etc etc. said with enough dramatics it keeps it lighthearted, because that’s what Roier does).

I don’t think Roier is actively thinking he should mistrust Bad with the eggs specifically. I don’t think that he thinks Bad doesn’t care about the eggs. I just think he hasn’t fully trusted Bad before, and now since Purgatory he doesn’t trust him at all, for good reason - Bad was very much an instigator and a cause for both his own torment and his family’s (Jaiden namely, what with the spawn killing, and Cellbit, Foolish). It’s no longer a ‘this guy is a thorn in my side and I don’t trust him’ kinda petty drama between islanders. It’s a ‘this guy went back on the deal to keep the score 50/50 and did so under the impression we as the losing team could die’ kind of situation. A ‘we spent the past few weeks in hell and this guy repeatedly not only killed, but went over the top in tormenting my family and myself, I don’t trust him’ kind of situation. It’s not an excuse to be petty or properly annoyed, it’s a result of how Bad burned all his bridges in purgatory. It’s in large part a trauma response.

It doesn’t matter that Bad has never once been a threat to Leo, that he’s taken care of her multiple times, that he has always checked in with the eggs and cared for them - it matters that Leo is his sister, that Pepito is under his care, and he Does Not Trust Bad.

[hirazuki]

Hira's year in medical review:

Me, August 2023: *experiencing extreme fatigue, fainting spells, mood swings, sudden and drastic increase of suicidal thoughts, and intense hair loss*

P.A: let's do blood work

Me: ok!

Bloodwork: *normal except for prolactin*

Doctor: sometimes that's a fluke so let's retest

Me: ok

Bloodwork: *exactly the same*

Doctor: your values are higher than normal range, but not high enough to be in range for a pituitary gland tumor.

(P.A: go see an endocrinologist and get an MRI, that might be indicative of a pituitary gland tumor.) <- bless this person and only this person in particular

Endocrinologist, seen earliest available which was January 2024: *wants to retest blood work instead of ordering an MRI*

Me: ... ok

Bloodwork: *the same*

Me: can we please do an MRI now?

Endocrinologist: Well. Your values are above the normal limit, but it's highly unlikely that's it's a pituitary gland tumor because they are not high enough for that. Let's retest blood work in four months.

Me: ...................... ok

Bloodwork, May 2024: *THE SAME*

Endocrinologist: hmm, I recommend an MRI

Me: *gesturing angrily*

MRI, June 2024: 🎉 pituitary gland tumor 🎉

Doctor, when I went in for something else: I doubt your endocrinologist will want to treat that, we typically don't treat adenomas that small

Endocrinologist, who took 3 weeks to review my results: I recommend just monitoring. It's highly unlikely that this is causing your symptoms, it's too small for that.

Me, July 2024:

[daybreakrising]

HEADCANONS - VAUTRIN & LIVING WITH HIS CRIME

one thing i want to touch on since vautrin is on the brain (again) is the fact that he has taken lives deliberately and this is not something that can, or should be, forgotten - by him, or by those around him.

whilst there are undoubtedly many within teyvat who have taken another person's life (or many lives), there is something very different between taking a life accidentally, or out of necessity or self-preservation (self-defense, war, etc), and actively plotting to kill. however much someone might agree with the motive behind his actions, however much someone might believe those he killed were awful people, he still took justice into his own hands and murdered them. even when we have the full context of the situation, even though we know there were layers to his actions, this is still an extreme response, and i've already spoken about how there was a part of him that did it for himself, even if it was a fairly small part in comparison to those that did it for carole, for neuvillette, and in the broader picture, fontaine itself. he wanted those people to suffer. he wanted to hurt them. and he cannot ever escape the truth of that.

he is always going to live under that shadow - under the knowledge that he is capable of horrific things if pushed to the right limits. knowing the facts of his crime (particularly the deaths of thibert and suavegothe, which were the most savage and brutal) is one thing, but to have that memory inside his head, to remember the cold rage that fuelled him, to know that he felt satisfaction for doing it... this is something he will struggle with for the rest of his life. he had always believed he was a good man, and his life up to that point supported this, but now he knows he is not a good man. in his eyes, he has been tainted.

and the reason i wanted to touch on this now is that he will be unable to conceal this from the people he gets involved with - platonically, romantically, whoever gets close to him in whatever way they choose. for those that already know his story and his past, especially anyone who knew him before his crime, he will struggle with the perception that he has shamed them, that he has forever stained their opinions of him, that he has failed to live up to the man they thought he was. it's not a subject he finds easy to broach but there is always a compulsion there to apologise, to relieve them of any obligation to forgive him, because he does not feel deserving of that forgiveness - even if he absolutely paid for his crimes in the end.

and for anyone who does not know his story, who come to him knowing nothing about the man he used to be, this is a subject he is going to eventually bring up. because he has to - his conscience cannot allow him to develop meaningful bonds with someone without them knowing the full story. particularly with any bond that develops into romance, he simply will not pursue things further until he has laid out his sins to them (if he hasn't already), so they know exactly who they're getting involved with - and so they have the option of walking away before it's too late, if that is something they can't accept.

this is something very important to him, because even if he did a terrible thing for the right reasons, the fact remains that he would do it again if it became necessary. and that is the weight that sits so heavily upon his shoulders - knowing he can, and would.