#someone pointed them being on the opposite sides for the healing of each

[444shayyy]

synastry observation #1

Let’s talk about Venus square Venus for a sec. It looks cute, right? Like, all that sweet attraction and everything… but lowkey, if one person’s vibe is off, things get messy. Venus is all about love, but if that self-love isn’t on point, things can turn toxic real fast. It’s like, you’re both feeling the spark, but there’s that underlying thing —maybe jealousy or just the sense that something’s not right. A vibe that feels like “why can’t I just be happy with you?”

Now, the Moon conjunct Mars? Oof. That’s one of those aspects that’ll leave you feeling *triggered* in ways you didn’t even know were possible. You’ll have moments where it’s like, “What is going on? Why am I so irritated with them?” And it’s not even about a specific fight—it’s just like this undercurrent of tension that’s lowkey draining. It’s not always bad, but it’s def a vibe you’ll feel whether you’re ready or not.

But then we get to Lilith. Girl. Lilith in synastry? That’s *next level*. When Lilith touches someone’s Sun or Moon, it’s like she’s unlocking that hidden, raw side of them you didn’t know existed. And you? She’s bringing out that hidden side of you too. You start questioning your desires and what you really want, and it can get intense. It’s primal, edgy, and sometimes kinda uncomfortable—but that’s the part that makes it so intriguing. Like, why are we lowkey obsessed with it?

Mars opposite the South Node or Mars on the North Node? That’s basically a karmic *magnet*. You’re both pulled together like you’ve got some unfinished business. It’s not always smooth, but the energy’s undeniable. You can’t really escape it, even if you try. It's like your souls have met before and are now in a loop, learning lessons you didn’t know you needed.

And then we have Pluto. You know when Pluto’s in the mix, everything gets deep. It’s like being dragged into the depths of your emotions and stuff you didn’t even realize was there. It’s transformative—sometimes it’s healing, sometimes it’s chaos—but it’s always a wild ride. When Pluto hits personal planets, you’re definitely not the same person by the end of it. But honestly? It’s worth it because that’s when the real change happens.

Venus and Saturn, or Mars and Pluto, are like those *tough love* aspects. They’ll make you face everything you’ve been avoiding, especially when it comes to relationships. Venus can feel super restricting when Saturn’s involved, and Mars square Pluto? Prepare for that push-pull energy where you’re trying to get close, but something keeps holding you back. But that’s also when you learn the most about yourself and each other. It’s not easy, but it’s real.

At the end of the day, Lilith, Mars, Venus, and Pluto are the game-changers. They create a whole new world of tension, attraction, and straight-up chaos , but that’s what makes it all so intense. It’s raw, it’s messy, and it’s real. If you’ve ever experienced this kind of synastry, you know what I’m talking about—it’s the kind of energy that leaves you questioning everything, but you can’t seem to get enough of it.

hope you enjoyed that guys p.s. I’m not an astrologer I’m just going based on my own experience.

[deadtired-highkeyenergetic]

Opposite Sides of the Battlefield

Thank you to @cucumbersouffle for the beautiful angsty art that inspired this fic. Hope you enjoy! (And yes when ideas appear I would like to once again collab with you, if you want to)

Summary: Bucky meets Steve again, this time on the opposite side of the battlefield.

It's all so easy to him. The motions are all the same — inhale, aim, exhale, fire, and his bullets hit their mark. The only difference is that there's an eldritch god in his brain instead of Hydra, and that he's fighting for something he believes in.

His mission this time around is to escort the statue of Bast to its destination and with him are Spiderman, Luna, Mantis, Magneto and the king of Wakanda himself — T'Challa, the Black Panther. The enemy is unknown as of yet, but Bucky is always prepared. He checks Roterstern over, making sure everything works smoothly and bushes a finger over the trigger. The eldritch monster whispers in his mind again, distorted voices hissing something he can't quite make out and he shakes his head, trying to get rid of it.

"Are you feeling alright?" Mantis asks, concerned.

"I'm fine. Focus on the mission." He pushes the voices aside, running through the motions once more. He is one with his weapons, they are but an extension of his body and he's the one in control. He notices Mantis' antennas droop when he looks away but brushes it off. He doesn't need to form connections here, not when his team changes with each mission. He's a soldier, friends are unnecessary.

Spiderman pats Mantis on the back, offering some comforting words that Bucky can't be bothered to listen into. The annoying high-pitched voice of the being called Galacta begins to countdown and Magneto moves to the front. T'Challa stands by the side door after receiving Luna's snowflake and he hangs just behind Magneto, exhaling deeply.

When the door opens, his team spills out of the room and his mind slips back into soldier mode. There is only the mission to complete, and anyone who gets in his way will be removed. He hears T'Challa disappear into the corridor to the right, ready to dive into the enemy's backline and Spiderman swings off to the left to do the exact same thing. Mantis follows T'Challa while Luna follows him and Magneto.

"They have two tanks, Venom and someone I couldn't quite make out." Spiderman's voice comes over his earpiece.

"Noted. I'll keep an eye out." He spies Venom swinging off in the distance and pings the team immediately, keeping an eye on Luna. Knowing Venom, his target is probably her and he needs to keep her alive. Magneto pushes up to the point they need to capture and all hell breaks loose.

Venom dives just behind him and he spins around, unloading his magazine into the black goo as Luna runs towards him, narrowly avoiding a black tentacle. Venom lets out a roar when he launches his tainted voltage, lashing out with more black tentacles that stick to him but Luna quickly heals him back up.

Bucky lets out a grunt of thanks and pulls the mass of black goo towards him before it can escape, unloading more bullets into where he assumes is it's head and slams his metal fist into the slimy mess, grimacing behind his mask when he hears the squelch. He will need to get his arm cleaned after this fight, who knows if anything got inside it and also he really wants to scrub that black goo off him as soon as possible. Venom screeches, scrambling to get away as it regenerates but Bucky hunts him mercilessly, aided by Magneto who has dropped back a little to help and finally lands the hit needed to dispose of the enemy.

"One tank down. Locating the other." He leaves Magneto and Mantis who has rejoined them to capture the point, scouting a little ahead to see if he can spot where the enemy has regrouped. Luna remains behind to heal up T'Challa and Spiderman is hanging out somewhere high above the battlefield, waiting for an opportunity.

"Roger that!" Spiderman chirps, way too enthusiastically for Bucky's taste. The kid is brave for fighting in such a huge war, but a part of him believes that someone like him shouldn't be doing that in the first place. It's a war, not some alley brawl, and consequences are dire. Still, if the kid chose to fight for his universe, then he'll respect that decision. Maybe keep an eye out for the kid whenever he can.

He really is getting soft, isn't he.

He pauses in his tracks, the battlefield is way too silent. This isn't good. He glances up at the sky, half expecting a portal to open up right above the point but there's nothing. Not even after he's stared at the sky for a good few seconds. That's weird. He looks back at the corridor in front of him, mind racing as he tries to predict what the enemy team is up to when suddenly a figure that definitely does not belong to his team appears in the corner of his vision.

Shit.

He whips his head around, Roterstern held at the ready and fires but his bullets bounce off a familiar item, falling to the ground with a 'ping'. His eyes widen when he realises who he's up against, feet rooted to the ground.

Of all people to be up against. It had to be him. He knew, he knew there was always a possibility, the fact that that man would sometimes be on his team meant he could be on the enemy team too. This wasn't the first time he'd gone up against that man, but this was the first time he was all alone with no one to help him.

"I'm sorry, Buck."

His lover — no, an alternate version of his lover stands in front of him, shield held up. His breath catches in his throat and he feels his chest tighten. It never gets easier. Each and every time he faces Steve as an enemy, he struggles to pull the trigger, memories flooding his mind. He can't ever do it properly, the soldier disappears whenever he sees Steve and he feels like a kid in Brooklyn all over again.

Sometimes the enemy Steve can't bring himself to attack either, and they stand there, facing each other until the sound of battle calls them back. When they rejoin the fight, they try to avoid each other, barely making eye contact. None of their teammates ever question it, everyone has their own inner demons and have learnt never to ask about each other's.

His hand trembles, his mind screams but the rest of his body refuse to cooperate. He can see it, the red, blue and white shield inching closer, its edge pressing against his neck, the coolness of the metal. Every instinct howls at him to move, to run, to defend himself but he can't. He just can't.

He can't bring himself to hurt the man he loves again.

"Steve…?" The word almost comes out as a whimper. He can feel the pressure on his throat, it's digging into his flesh and he's starting to find it difficult to swallow. His metal fingers dig into the wall behind him, chest heaving but this Steve doesn't stop. The shield continues pushing into his throat, splitting his skin to reveal the blood that flows beneath and Bucky finds himself panicking harder. He has to run, get out somehow or he's going to die. He knows he will come back to life some seconds later but death still hurts, and his team needs him.

His chest hurts, his breathing heavy behind his mask and tears prick the corners of his eyes. This is not his Steve, he's not hurting the one who means the world to him, but his body still refuses to cooperate with him. His body still refuses to move, to fight back, even on the cusp of death and he can't believe the last thing he'll see is Steve's empty blue eyes.

Steve's eyes are empty.

His mouth opens, but no words come out. Is this it? Is he going to fold like this? Is this how his first death this mission will go?

"Bucky!" A red figure swings into the corridor, landing a right hook on Steve's face which sends the super soldier stumbling backwards. He gasps, the pressure finally lifted from his throat, and coughs. Mantis approaches him, a worried expression on her face and heals him before pulling him out of the corridor, Spiderman swinging behind them.

"We have to retreat!" Mantis calls out. "Pushing the statue takes priority now!"

"Right," he gasps. "The statue."

He can't shake the glassy look in Steve's gentle blue eyes that always flickered with passion and gentleness. It's haunting, and his heart aches every time he thinks about it. What happened that pushed his one and only to the brink? He looks back at the corridor as they run, feeling his heart plummet and forces himself to look forward. He wants to save that Steve, to catch him before he falls but he has a mission that comes first.

That Steve isn't his Steve, they're different people. His mind knows that but his heart still sees them as the same person. He focuses on taking steps forward, towards the statue and grits his teeth. Without Mantis and Spiderman's timely intervention, he would've been dead. He cannot afford to repeat that mistake again, not if he is to successfully complete this mission.

I'm sorry, Steve.

He has to become the Winter Soldier. For the sake of the mission. There can be no distractions.

He cannot save this Steve.

[sukunatoes]

Sanguine

Chapter 3: Petrichor

18+ ONLY, MDNI

True Form Sukuna x Fem Reader

Daybreak songs from nearby birds gently pulled you from your slumber. You opened your eyes to soft sun rays filtering through the window on the shrine’s singular door. Sitting up, you gradually stretched your body. It was already sore from yesterday’s fight with Sukuna, and that had only been made worse by sleeping on the hard, wooden floors.

By the time everything was said and done, it had been close to sunset, and Sukuna insisted you all wait until dawn to begin your hunt for the cursed weapons. At some point, you must have fallen asleep. You had intended to stay up the entire night, although you suppose it didn’t matter too much anyways. He was bound by a vow that he wouldn’t harm you for the time being.

A gnawing pang grew in your stomach, a low grumble immediately following. You reached for your bag, skimming through the side pockets searching for some sort of sustenance to satisfy your hunger. A fuchsia wrapper folded in half caught your eye. Inside was a mostly eaten protein bar from yesterday’s drive. Not much remained, perhaps a couple bites at most, but it would have to suffice until you could reach your car.

Fuck, you were hungry.

You peeled back the wrapper and shoved the scraps of the bar into your mouth. The stale bar was less than appetizing, but staying this long at the shrine was never your intention, so you hadn’t packed much.

You wanted to get going as soon as possible. Hopefully, both Sukuna and Uraume would agree. Rising to your feet, you gave your aching body one last stretch before reaching for your bag. You zipped it up and grabbed your filthy jacket, tying it around your waist. Making your way over to the door, you extended your hand to slide it open, but someone beat you to it. The door slammed open in one fluid moment and revealed a wide, tattooed chest standing opposite you, directly in your line of sight.

Sukuna.

His upper arms were crossed, and both of his lower arms rested casually on his hips. The expression that graced his face was undecipherable; however, he looked neither angry nor annoyed. More empty than anything.

Your eyes flickered up to his, and the both of you remained unmoving, blocking each other’s paths. What did he expect you to do?

“Good morning, Sukuna.” Your voice was hesitant, unsure of how to address him.

Instantly, his eyebrows furrowed, and his upper lip curled into a sneer. His previously blank expression was now one of sheer annoyance.

There it was.

“Skip the pleasantries, sorcerer. Where do you intend to take me next?”

“There’s the site of an old temple along the northern coast I had planned to visit next. There isn’t much left of the temple itself, but I was curious about the grounds.”

A dampness could be felt as a single drop of blood trailed from your nose to your upper lip. You brought your hand to your face, gently wiping it off with your index finger. Despite the dull ache radiating throughout your face, your fractured nose had completely slipped your mind. There were more pressing matters consuming your thoughts.

“You can’t use reversed cursed technique. Otherwise, you would’ve healed yourself by now.” All four of Sukuna’s eyes temporarily fixated on both your nose and upper lip where the blood had just been before he brought them back up to meet yours. “That’s rather unusual for a sorcerer of your caliber.”

That much was correct. Every special grade sorcerer except for you was capable of using reverse cursed technique, and many first grade sorcerers as well. Reverse cursed technique was an ability to multiply negative cursed energy against itself to create positive energy. The positive energy could then be used to heal injuries, and if someone was powerful enough, entire limbs and organs could be regenerated.

It was a complex ability and coveted among sorcerers. Some, like Shoko Ieiri and Yuta Okkotsu, could even use reverse cursed technique to heal others. Ryomen Sukuna was also capable of this. However, you knew the man currently towering over you would not be so kind as to ever help another being. Unless, of course, he could benefit from it somehow.

“You’re right. I’m unable to use reverse cursed technique.” Normally you would never reveal something of the sort to an enemy. However, Sukuna was entwined in a vow not to physically harm you, so it wouldn’t make much difference whether he knew the truth or not. “I was never trained in it.”

“Trained? What are you, some sort of fucking animal?”

You instantly clenched your jaw at his petty jab, which caused his eyes to flash with amusement. He wanted a rise out of you for whatever reason.

Instead, you quickly steadied your breath and relaxed your face. If he’s doing it for the sake of entertainment, you didn’t want to give him a moment of satisfaction.

“The old temple I just mentioned, it’s about a five-hour drive to the north. If we head out now, we can arrive by noon.”

“A five-hour drive?” For a brief moment, he looked genuinely confused. Surely he didn’t think you would be traversing the nation on foot.

“Do you know what a car is?”

Within an instant, his cursed energy flared alongside his temper. The back of your neck began to ache once again, and it grew upward, spreading like tendrils throughout your brain.

So you were having some sort of reaction to his cursed energy.

Sukuna stepped forward through the threshold, one of his arms coming in contact with the shrine’s walls, his fingertips instantly curling into the wood and leaving deep indentations.

“Do you take me for some sort of a fool?” He leaned down, his breath on your face in a similar fashion to the previous evening. “Of course I know what a car is. I was stuck inside that goddamned brat for months.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw another one of his hands clenching into a fist. His knuckles began turning white as his energy continued to swell.

If it wasn’t for him being bound to your vow, Sukuna would’ve had you pinned against a wall by now. Most likely threatening to take your hands with his dismantle once again. However, any threats he made to you now would be worthless, and he had no real leverage over you. That probably got under his skin more than your question itself.

Your senses grew more dull as his cursed energy output increased. The ache you felt continued to grow, now surpassing the crown of your head and wrapping around to the front.

What a strange phenomenon.

You had never heard of anything similar happening before, in any capacity. However, cursed techniques and energy in general were not yet fully understood. Perhaps Gojo or even Shoko might be able to shed some light on the situation next time you get an opportunity to talk to either of them.

“Our vow is not permanent.” He relaxed his hand, unfurling his fingers, but his face remained close to yours. “And you’d do well to remember that.”

Sukuna offered you one last glare before turning on his heels and leaving, which you took as your cue to follow.

————————————

Most of your trek back down the mountain had been spent in solitude. Both Sukuna and Uraume fell behind you at one point, trailing at a decent distance. Far enough away that you wouldn’t be able to listen in on their occasional chatter, but never letting you stray out of Sukuna’s eyesight.

The pace was leisurely, which your overly sore body eagerly welcomed. The warm sun brought a gentle heat to your cheeks, and the smell of petrichor flooded your senses and briefly carried you away, allowing you a few moments of solace. Perhaps you should be brainstorming your next move, but something told you that you wouldn’t be able to relax again for a while.

As you neared the base of the mountain, you could see your car in the distance. You quickened your pace at the sight, eager to finally have something to eat and drink. Sliding your backpack forward, you snagged your key fob from one of the pockets and smashed the unlock button. The second you were within arm’s length, you reached for the driver side’s handle and swung the door open.

Sukuna and Uraume could be heard approaching from behind as you pulled a partially drunk bottle of water from the cup holder and downed it in a few gulps. A dark shadow enveloped you, your eyes flickering up to meet four crimson ones staring back down at you. He was standing in the doorway, two upper arms crossed, and that blank look resided on his face once more. You waited for him to speak first, but once again nothing came.

What was he doing?

“I’m ready to go whenever you are.” You flung your bag into the backseat before slipping the keys into the ignition. With a quick flick of the wrist, the engine turned over.

Sukuna scoffed before circling around the car, making his way over to the passenger’s side. He yanked the door open and plopped down, the entire car shifting at the sheer force of him colliding with the seat. His legs were still outside on the ground, and it was obvious it was going to be a tight fit.

“There’s a switch on the side of the seat. Push it back, and you should have a little more room.”

The seat slowly slid back as far as it would go, and Sukuna finally swung his legs inside. Even after adjusting the seat, his knees still brushed against the dash, and he had to lean his head down to not hit it against the ceiling. To call it cramped would be an understatement. His discomfort with the situation was visible, and he was completely out of his element. For a brief second, before you remembered who you were looking at, you almost felt a pang of sympathy at the sight.

Uraume climbed in and sat directly behind you without a single word, which wasn’t surprising. You had only heard them speak a handful of things since your unfortunate encounter the evening before. They appeared to be far more reserved than the man they served.

You plugged your now dead phone into the charger and set it in one of your cupholders. You would need the GPS eventually to navigate to the next temple, but for now, you’d just start heading north. Sliding your hand over the gear shift, you slipped it into drive and took off.

The beginning of the drive was much like your morning hike, completely silent. Occasionally you’d see Sukuna adjusting his body, presumably trying to get more comfortable, but you knew it didn’t help much. He was displeased, but you assumed he was well aware this was the fastest route to achieving what you were both after.

After a while, his gravelly voice broke through the quiet atmosphere.

“Your technique, how exactly does it work?”

You cut your eyes to him. “I told you about my technique last night. It allows me to impose a set of rules on a target of my choosing.”

“It involves the manipulation of cursed energy, does it not?”

“If you already had an idea, why bother asking?” You turned your head to meet him fully. “And why are you so interested in my technique anyways?”

“What, are you worried about something?” His mouth twisted into a wry smile.

“I figure you’re up to something, but if you’re implying I’m worried that you may try to incarnate in my body the way you did to Megumi Fushiguro, the answer’s no, not really.”

You absentmindedly slipped your right hand under the latch of the center console, flipping it open. Fishing around, you felt another protein bar, similar to the one you ate earlier, and pulled it out. You peeled back the wrapper and shoved it between your lips, taking a massive bite.

“After that kid punched you out of Fushiguro’s body, you were nothing more than a pile of gunk,” you began between chews. “Uraume ran off with you, yet here you are in your true form. The likelihood of you finding another vessel that can withstand your cursed energy without dying would be borderline impossible, which means somehow the body you have now is yours and not another’s you managed to incarnate in.”

“So, you think this body isn’t incarnated?” He scoffed. “Then tell me, sorcerer, where did it come from?”

“I don’t know,” you admitted. “But it’s not far-fetched to assume that someone with both abundant cursed energy and highly advanced regenerative skills could do something of the sort given they had enough time.”

Your eyes were back on the road now, but you could sense all four of his burning into you. The weight of his stare was heavy. You could always feel his eyes on you, whether you were looking at him or not.

“You have your own body, and for once since you first incarnated, you can live without being bound to another being. On top of that, you’re at your most powerful in your true form. Only a fool would throw that away on a gamble. Besides, it seems your little brush with death changed you quite a bit.”

You were being honest whenever you told Sukuna you didn’t fear him attempting to incarnate in you. It would likely result in the death of the both of you, and he knew that as well. Whatever he was planning undoubtedly involved forcing you to use your technique for his will, but that was the least of your concerns right now.

You took the final bite out of your protein bar and stuffed the empty wrapper in the door panel. “Getting your ass kicked made you overly cautious. The King of Curses fears death like the rest of us humans, it seems.”

“Say what you will, sorcerer, but the only loss in that battle was not mine.” Sukuna rested his upper right arm against the window, propping his head on it. His fingers gently combing through a few of his blush-colored strands. The lower left eye cut to you, presumably trying to gauge your reaction.

Satoru Gojo.

Of course he was under the impression Satoru Gojo was dead. The last time he saw Gojo’s body, it was being piloted by Yuta Okkotsu, who had been copying Kenjaku’s technique. On top of that, only five people in total knew of his survival at the time. Even fewer knew about the loss of his six eyes.

Ryomen Sukuna thought he was living in a world without Satoru Gojo. Whatever plans he had set in motion were made with the thought process that they would be unstoppable. Should he find out Gojo was alive, it would put pressure on him as long as he wasn’t made aware of the six eyes issue. You didn’t know much about Sukuna, but the man sitting next to you seemed like a completely different person than the one you had heard and read about. His sudden personality shift had the opportunity to tip the scales in your favor if you could exploit it correctly.

He was hesitant to drag out his scuffle with you and instead tried to immediately force you into some sort of vow. Without hesitation, he wanted to accompany you on a quest to find ancient weapons. Any other person would’ve brushed it off as a fairy tale of some sort, but he seemed to genuinely believe you.

Was he feeling desperate?

He had an actual goal now, and it seemed highly likely that it was one rooted in self-preservation. Now that you had acquired more information, the playing field seemed far more level compared to when you first agreed to this mission. Nobody is without flaws or weaknesses, not even the King of Curses.

Some increased pressure might actually force him to reveal his hand, and you still had a couple of aces up your sleeve. After all, you vowed you’d let him accompany you on your search, not that you’d actually find the weapons. Finding them would be beneficial and make the task easier, but you may not need them after all.

You could feel Sukuna’s energy slowly start to burn within him. It was just simmering for now, not yet ready to boil over. You felt no physical reaction like you usually do, which meant it only affects you once his output reaches a certain level.

How your body was reacting to his cursed energy was the only obstacle you feared could get in the way. You didn’t know exactly what was happening, but you knew it was dangerous. Every time it swelled beyond a certain point, not only did it physically pain you, but it also interfered with your ability to make decisions. The feeling was overwhelming and intoxicating, almost reminiscent of being drunk.

Sukuna didn’t appear to know about the effect his energy was having on you. If that were true, it would need to be kept hidden. He’d find a way to weaponize it against you while skirting around the vow he made not to harm you. Giving him any sort of leverage over you at this point would be catastrophic. You needed to understand how and why this was occurring to put a stop to it or at least learn how to deal with the feeling and push past it.

You picked your phone up and checked the navigation you had put in a bit earlier. Still a couple of hours out from your destination. You could provoke him now in an environment you fully control to test the waters. The only downside is you were in close proximity and couldn’t put any distance between yourself and his energy. You were unsure just how far the effects would go. It would be a risk.

Your phone began vibrating in your palm.

An unknown number.

You stared at it for a brief moment, already allowing two rings to pass. Both Sukuna’s and Uraume’s eyes were set on it.

You already knew who was on the other end.

Perfect timing.

This was guaranteed to give you an opportunity to test the limits of whatever phenomenon was occurring while also pushing Sukuna back into a corner. It’d be killing two birds with one stone.

“Hello?” You practically chirped, pulling the phone up to your ear.

“How’s everything going?” Gojo’s voice was light. He was sounding more like his usual self. His recovery must be going well.

“I encountered an unforeseen complication,” you glanced over towards Sukuna, who was already scowling at you. “However, I think I’ll be able to make it work.”

“An unforeseen complication, huh? Want to clue me in?”

“I’m not exactly in a position to talk about it at the moment.” Sukuna had slowly begun to angle his body towards you, probably attempting to figure out who you were conversing with.

If he wanted to know so badly, you’d give it to him.

“I see.”

“If you hear any unsavory details about my mission from anyone before I’m able to explain, please know that you can trust me.” You pulled the phone away from your face and clicked the screen, illuminating it. Sliding your finger towards the speaker button, you pressed down, allowing your conversation to be heard by everyone in the car.

“Satoru,” you tried to hide the slight grin in your voice.

Sukuna’s cursed energy swelled once again. This time the output was high enough to make the nape of your neck begin to ache.

“Yes?”

As soon as Gojo’s voice came through the phone’s speaker, a surge of energy ricocheted throughout your body. Sukuna’s nostrils flared, and his eyes turned dark. There was not a single word that could describe how deep his fury ran. It was a hot, blinding rage, and you could feel every single bit of it.

Sukuna reached over and wrapped his fingers around your wrist. It was unexpectedly gentle, but he was without a doubt trying not to accidentally harm you in his anger. It was the phone he wanted, not you.

The ache in your neck exploded outward and encased your head as a whole. It felt like Sukuna’s hand had slithered inside you and wrapped itself around your brain. Like his palms were wringing out your mind like some sort of wet rag. You never fathomed a pain this terrible yet intimate existed. He felt like he was somehow becoming a part of you.

You attempted to connect with your own cursed energy in hopes it would be the key to fight off this phenomenon, but your attempt was in vain. With his energy this strong, you could barely feel your own and could hardly manipulate it at all. Your body felt like it was no longer your own. His energy didn’t just feel like it was invading your body, it actually was.

What was going on?

Is this a part of Sukuna’s scheme?

The situation was far worse than you had envisioned it being. Whether he realized it by now or not, he already had a way to control you. Waiting to find the weapons was no longer an option; you needed to act sooner.

You gritted your teeth and composed yourself to the best of your ability. You were desperate to gain any sort of control over this feeling. Thankfully, Sukuna was likely too enraged to notice your temporary struggle.

You yanked your wrist from Sukuna’s grasp and deliberately stared back into his four intense eyes. Every part of you ached from the inside out. Your emotions were spiking in immediate response to his, and you felt like you would somehow succumb to his control at any moment. If this was a part of his plan, you wanted him to know that he would pay a devastating price.

“I promise I’ll see this mission through to the very end.”

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[freyjas-musings]

I often see posts on who would win the "blood duel" between Lucien and Azriel and then see some eluciens and some elriels cat fight because you know.... boredom

It got me thinking and here are a few points and my thoughts on the "blood duel"

First and foremost nobody knows the parameters of said duel , so we cannot really compare notes and see who would actually win. They each come with a different skill set so please calm your hormones.

Note to Eluciens - the whole Lucien will come into his full power so he will be.... no stop.... Az isn't Cass , Rhys couldn't do shit to Azriel's shield in the high lords meeting... so just ✋️ stop. If it's only brute strength and magic Az has the upper hand , deal with it.

Now , we are talking about comparing who is more powerful. For 2 groups whose general anthem is strength comes in different forms ... Brute strength isn't the only form of strength ..... its shameful that when it comes to Az and Lucien their only comparison is based on brute strength. SHAME SHAME SMH.

It pains me as an Az stan but here is the truth the minute Az agreed to "defeat" Lucien in a fight , he lost . He agreed to engage in violence over someone who detests violence ? See , how he just proved he isn't right for said person right there ?

If Canon info is anything to go by, Lucien will not even invoke the blood duel. It's not because he is a coward ... its the opposite it's because he is a stronger, better male, one who would respect what Elain wants and walk away. So sorry, Lucien in this case is definitely the stronger male and the bigger male .... and given his strength in not resorting to violence makes him automatically compatible with his mate.

Now, about Azriel or Lucien needing to be humbled .... neither need to be humbled, you see their problem isn't with each other so just chill you guys . They each need to have their own healing and growth. You idiots need to stop. People like me love both of them and would love to be in a sandwich situation there ... if I were to pick it would helion and Eris but I will take the other as well. The only form of humbling I will expect is Lucien saving Azriel's life in some situation and given Azriel has gotten hurt in every single book he has appeared that's a big possibility. See , how it was more positive and doesn't change who Lucien is as a character or how it's not to make Az look smaller or weaker .... some of you all need to touch grass taking fictional situations that personally.

Azriel resorting to violence isn't new or unique , we saw that with Mor as well . His anger issues are a big part of the character's description, so growth and healing for Azriel would be more about not resorting to rage and violence. That will be one of the things that his story will most likely to deal with. I look forward to his icy rage thawing because I love him enough to want that for him. To want to see him give up on that ice in his veins.

There is a reason why Gwyn was written the way she was , she was written to be compatible with Azriel . Ultimately, that is what matters each of these characters finding healing and happiness and being with someone who is compatible with them , someone who would bring out the best in them.

Just because one side is rage baiting you, it doesn't mean you get down to their level and try resorting to petty posts spewing poison. If it is wrong to compare Gwyn and Elain (and it is ), it's just as wrong to compare Lucien and Az ... It's mighty sexist of people to think it isn't.

[cringesatan]

thoughts on towa and madarame's relationship and "likeliness", victimhood and slow damage's theme (currently at 60 hours of gameplay, about to finish madarame's route)

so madarame keeps saying he and towa are "the same", and sure, they somewhat match each other's need and viewpoint on violence, but i wouldn't say they're the same. in fact, it seems like he and towa are the exact opposite of each other, in fact. what they have in common - operating on instinct, the need for violence - both takes them and comes from very different places. towa's need for violence comes from a place of deep self hatred, and to anyone who has experienced that level of self hatred - especially one drive from sexual trauma - knows how deeply ingrained it gets and how it turns you so twisted you start experiencing the self hatred as a good thing. we see it when he gets hurt, and we see it during sex, towa feels good and gets off on being treated like scum, of being hurt, of being abused. its a sense of deserving, almost, like a "reward", in a way. euphoria, as much as it is an artistic movement, is also an elaborated excuse for towa to receive the punishment-reward he deeply feels like he deserves, its a way to experience the root of his trauma, over and over again: being an outlet for someone else, an object of pleasure, not necessarily sexual, as rape is not necessarily sexual, but of power, of desire, of the need for control, and for indulging. towa used to live on edge, back in his mafia days, his traumatic episode was never really over until the fight that killed his brother. once he adjusted to a somewhat happy, comfortable life, that's when he started to "heal", in a sense, but let a traumatized person heal on their own and watch them incessantly try to relive their trauma, over and over, am i right?

a lot of times traumatized people are drawn to their trauma, and towa, of course, much rather say he has a taste for violence, rather than admit he is a deeply traumatized individual. slow damage is, at its core, a read on the many facets of victimhood.

on the other side of the spectrum of victimhood, dare i say on the complete opposite side, we have madarame. madarame wants violence because inflicting violence is all he ever knew. it solved all his problems, and violence was, too, the root of all his problems. madarame is perpetually stuck in a cycle of violence, and he feels entitled to inflicting it as much as he feels obligated to. he and towa both romanticize their issues so they can ignore and deny the fact that they are, too, victims. madarame couldn't possibly be a victim, ever, if he is always "in control", right? if he is the one punching, if he is the one going after the fight, if he is the one winning the fight, he must always be the perpetrator, never the victim, never again. if he is calm and composed, if he doesn't give way for his own thoughts to get under his skin, then it doesn't bother him. it is the same for towa - when he says he is attracted to violence, when he convinces himself he enjoys the pain, he enjoys the abuse, when he seeks it out himself, then it isn't that he's a victim, it's that he's getting what he wants. he takes control by convincing himself the abuse is what he always wanted, like a kid who loses their toy and says "i didn't want it, anyway". towa and madarame would do anything before acknowledging they might need help, but in that sense, the strategy they choose for their mental gymnastics are directly opposed. comfort in inflicting violence, and comfort in receiving it. that is precisely why they work together.

what makes madarame and towa "soulmates" is both a combination of what makes them different and what makes them equal. the denial of their trauma and their view of themselves, the violence and the vessel, the boxer and the punching bag. if i were to point a character that is truly "equal" to towa, I'd point ikuina, and that is why towa shows such a small, fleeting interest for ikuina, especially in madarame's route. ikuina wants to be violent as much as he wants the violence done to him, he wants to drown in it, he is fascinated by it and willing to inflict it upon himself directly, as much as towa is. they crave it, are addicted to the violence, but especially addicted to the pain, on both a sexual and psychological level. ikuina's trauma is related to violence in a way that made him view himself like towa views himself, not only as a carrier for violence, but mostly as deserving of violence, like a deeply religious person thinks themselves deserving of divine punishment, it is, in their eyes, a reward just as much.

but to towa, that isn't what fulfills him. he doesn't want another to share his desire for abuse, because he doesn't want to abuse, not really. what towa wants - and here we're not really talking about towa, the person, but rather his subconscious, his instinct built on his traumatic experiences, not his rational self, not his personality exactly, but a much deeper force inside him, one he never really learned or even had the chance to learn how to deal with, and so made it part of who he is, or believes he is: his ptsd - what he wants is someone willing to abuse him, someone who both cares for him and is willing to abuse him, that is the dream of anyone seeking self destruction, but who isn't necessarily suicidal, which is towa's case. as much as he denies it, as much as he despises it, he hates it precisely because he knows its true: he does want to be madarame's pet. he wants someone who will give him what he wants, someone who will take responsibility for him, someone to hurt him and dress his wounds, so that he doesn't have to do it himself, to himself. that is towa's euphoria, as it is, in a way, anyone's euphoria, to relive their trauma, or a crucial part of it. for towa, it is being abused, being cut and raped, and not have to seek it himself. it is having it done to him, like the first time, like the times before, and mostly - by someone he trusted.

and madarame, he of course loves towa, in his own twisted idea of love, and a pet is exactly what he wants, too. because inflicting violence is his penitence, the only way he could ever love another is by showering them with violence. it is not that he's abusive, or toxic, not in his eyes, because to him, violence is beautiful - and that is what made him fall in love with towa, because that's what towa understands. violence is beautiful, both inflicting it and receiving it. it is a recurring theme in slow damage as a whole, of course, the damage, obviously, of violence, but especially the beauty of it. every character believes violence to be beautiful in their own way, maybe not as obvious as towa and madarame, but we have the minor euphoria models, we have characters like taku and rei, a doctor and a body modification professional, who are at their core also deeply related to violence, to pain, in order to heal, in order to turn into art. we have toono and sakaki, who we can say are the main "antagonists", in slow damage, who, despite being deeply connected to violence, also despise it. sakaki believes it to be a necessary evil for the greater good, and toono sees it as merely a tool. in most instances where towa's scars are brought up, words like artwork, body art, uniqueness, are brought up, except for when toono brings them up. what paints toono as a villain in slow damage is not his acts and much less his moral compass, but rather his refusal to accept violence, to embrace it, to find it beautiful.

i guess I'd say that is the main point "slow damage" wants to come across with, after about 60 hours playing it. from the roots of shinkoumi, the city itself fueled by violence, to the thing that gives purpose and fleshes out each of the side characters - and that could be another rant of its own entirely

[roseofbabboo]

Seeing people yell and scream about zutara never makes sense to me because disregarding compatibility between characters in a ship just because you don't like it is almost disrespectful to the character itself. Separately, the ships do make sense in some fashion.

Katara is a complex, intelligent, feminist character who does not sacrifice her emotions for her strength. Inequality ultimately frustrates her to the point of risking herself and the overall mission of bringing the Avatar to take down Ozai to become a temporary vigilante because she cannot stand by and let people be mistreated. Her emotions do not hinder her ability to fight or remain strong in planning, healing, or battling. I would in fact argue that the emotional side she holds dearly makes her even stronger. Between learning bloodbending (a skill she swore she wouldn't use and later used due to her rage for avenging her mother) and nurturing the entire group through the desert without knowing if they would survive, Katara's emotional control is insane.

Aang is a talented child who had to speed through his grief of losing his people and culture while having to master elements within 1/10th of a timespan that his predecessors have been required to in order to stop the world from ending. The very thing he feared the most of having to hurry and grow up became a reality to an unbelievable extent. He's had to build an entirely new life and grapple with the changes of what is now history, all while planning how to make the world a better place without sacrificing his values. Growing up so quickly without the original support system that once existed and plotting the demise of a complete stranger takes a toll on someone who hasn't even been consciously alive for that long. The world is no longer built for airbenders, having been killed off for over a century, and to somehow hold those customs and practices to the point where they can be carried onto the next generation takes skill.

Zuko is a character who had to earn his talent. He never started out being good at things, he was never written as a prodigy who was different than all the other kids because of how 'good' he was at any activity. His greatest 'weakness' according to his family is how much he cares and shows it, before his father disfigured him for standing up for the soldiers being sacrificed. All he's ever ached for is to be a part of his own family and take his place on the throne, and he's willing to hunt down what is essentially a god to the world of ATLA in order to get those results. Not only does he capture him a multitude of times through hard work, dedication, and intense training (albeit, he did not succeed at keeping Aang captured), but Zuko ends up battling that ability to care, and has to choose between having the approval of his family and nation, and doing what's right. To have a character who turns a full 180 with his morals and ethics, and have him work for it tooth and nail... it's no wonder he's as angsty and emotional as he is.

Aang and Katara are most certainly a pair that can make sense, they nurture one another and believe in the good of the world. They have similar interests, they share a similar sense of humor, they've built up a slow burning chemistry for months and over time they became attached at the hip. Katara teaches Aang a lot about himself, he grows as a character when she is in the mix. To have an immediate support when he thaws from the ice is a blessing for Aang, and in having that support, the two can share their ethics and beliefs to bring forth a new generation of airbenders.

Katara and Zuko, however, have immediate chemistry without the slow burn. Their opposite elements make for dynamic growth through combat. Neither of them start out as great benders, they had to earn their fighting styles and talents. The loss of people they love brings them together despite the different upbringings, putting a new perspective of the war into each of their lives. In the catacombs, with barely two minutes of dialogue, there's a magnetic sense that the two understand each other, and that the care they display for others is similar despite being on two opposite ends of a spectrum. Katara learns that not all firebenders are monsters that only seek to eliminate, Zuko learns that the goodness that he's fought against in order to gain approval is his true calling. Their growth together while being opposite personalities has potential to allow both parties to bring peace for the world into fruition without losing pieces of themselves.

Immediately dismissing either ship as being unhealthy or toxic without acknowledging that there is a foundation in each feels like it doesn't need to be addressed, but here we are.

I personally adore zutara, but I won't come for someone's head if they don't??? Grow up???

[heroofspiritsisthebestlink]

With the resurgence of the Hinamiki Agenda, I realized there was a wall of text I wrote for them that I never posted here.

So here it is. Why I think Hinamiki rules.

You often hear that there are two sides to every coin. Every toss of said coin can determine drastically different outcomes. People nurtured into the mundane often dream of more, and people dragged through the extreme wish for less.

Hajime Hinata is born as what equates to a commoner in this world of overglorification of the talented. He lives what we consider a normal life, and like many others, dream of attending Hope's Peak Academy and enter the ranks of the socially elite super star teenagers. Finally, he finds a way in, though disappointingly through the Reserve Course.

And it's hell. There's nothing special about being a Reserve Course student at Hope's Peak, unless you count being treated like societies biggest joke from both sides of the spectrum. The other talentless of the world see you as a rich asshole pretender, and the main course students see you as worthless garbage. The police even do it too. Or at least, the lives of a main course student is more socially valuable.

But then Hajime is granted a choice. A choice to be more, a choice to ascend. To become what he's always dreamed of, someone of talent and of what society deems of worth. So of course he takes it.

And, without knowledge, he's turned into a monster.

Mikan Tsumiki is born into an abusive household. She's tormented, bullied and beaten at both school and at home. It's never explicitly stated why, but somewhere along this way, she develops an enormous abandonment complex, to the point where she prefers mistreatment over isolation. There's no one to help her but herself, something she eventually takes to a fatalistic conclusion by teaching herself how to heal her own wounds when no one would. Her expertise in the medical field stems from self treatment just to make it through to the next day. Childhood is hell. Middle school is hell. There's nothing she can do, and nobody is willing to do anything for her.

Until one day, something does. She gets scouted for Hope's Peak Academy as the Ultimate Nurse. Her achievements are heralded as incredible, her fight for survival indirectly romanticised as "worthy of prestige." It's morally garish, but she starts attending. And it turns into the best years of her life. Sure, some people still pick on her and take advantage of her obsessive need for attention, but it's still the comparatively healthiest environment she's ever lived in. She has friends. For the first time in her life, she's thriving, even if it's in somewhat unhealthy ways.

But then someone has plans for the world. Someone is in need of autonomous slaves, willing to carry out her will in her absence. And Mikan is taken in, and much like the rest of her life, she is given no choice in the matter, forced to return to that harmful path.

And she, once again without a say in the matter, is turned into a monster.

Two sides of the same coin that flips through the air, one side twisting to take up the position that the other previously held. Joy to despair. Despair to joy. The coin keeps falling, barrelling towards the bottom, destined to land with one side up, and the other scorned. Both sides can't both win.

Unless someone catches that coin.

One thing that keeps striking me when I look over the interactions Hajime and Mikan have is that despite how much the two mirror each other as opposites, they still find much common ground. They're both scared and insecure of others not deeming them worth their time, but differs in how they express it and subconsciously enact on it. But, through talking, they find a sort of conversational kinship. Hajime reassures Mikan that she doesn't need to do anything to deserve friendship, and she, in turn, gets on his case to take better care of himself. Any attempt at hiding his pain is something she picks up on, given her heightened perception she's gained through her own trials.

Through his ardent kindness, he's able to make her calm down and have a regular conversation with her without enabling her worst coping mechanisms, which is a really difficult balance to hit. He is the only one Mikan ever opens up to, given he's the only one Mikan trusts not to be repulsed by her ugly past and distance from her. That's an incredibly difficult step to take, and I wish that was recognized more.

It's cheesy, but I really do think they make for an interesting whole when these two halves come to talk, each showing the other a path to deal with their respective issues, and then imploring the other to walk down it.

Love isn't a cure. Junko's version is an example of that, it's not instafix or bandaid solution.

Instead, love is a symptom. A symptom of joy, progress and hope. Hope that you can have enough faith in yourself and your life to share joy unconditionally.

Top image is an edit made by Twitter user @ weebainu

Bottom image is a sprite edit illustration made by Twitter user @ middinos

[mightydyke]

The Xenogenesis series is so fucking good. With each book, the ending gets more hopeful, the protagonist is less human and I found myself sympathising more with the Oankali and less with the humans (although I can't bring myself to "pick a side", Butler's portrayal of both is so nuanced and makes me feel so conflicted in the best way possible.) At first the Oankali are presented as colonisers, forcing the humans to mate with them and sterilising those who don't in a pretty clear parallel to eugenics, but in the second book this role is reversed when Akin is kidnapped by human resistors and they want to force him to be more human, trying to cut him off from his Oankali way of life. The scene that really drove this point in for me was when some humans were plotting to cut off the tentacles of those two Construct children, even though it could kill them. There's a reading group question about this in the back of my copy, about possible parallels between this and our own world, and yeah. FGM and the treatment of Native American children in residential schools spring to mind. It's crazy how astute Butler is and how this scene, which is about half-alien children, is still so true to life. But even then, there are sympathetic humans, like Tate and Gabe and Yori. They still make mistakes, but mostly out of a lack of understanding, like Tate not returning Akin to his family and Gabe interrupting him when he's healing Tate.

And the endings! Dawn: Lilith has been impregnated against her will, being led away by Nikanj, her plan to get to Earth and run away has failed. Adulthood Rites: Akin has secured the Mars colony for humans. Despite not being allowed to reproduce and live on Earth, the future of the human race is secured. The town Phoenix is burning, but there's still a sense of hope (also the symbolism of Phoenix adds to this hope. And it's so clever!! I love Butler's symbolism so much). Imago: Jodhas and Aaor have been accepted by a human village, Jodhas plants a seed that will grown into a town. Planting a seed is such a symbol of hope, but this seed will grow into a ship that will devour the Earth of resources, leaving it a husk. Also the different narrators! Lilith and Akin don't narrate their own stories directly, only Jodhas' story is written in the first-person. Lilith is human, Akin and Jodhas are half human, but Jodhas is an ooloi, which seem less human than male and female Oankali. Lilith wants humans to escape from the Oankali, and Akin fights for the humans to be allowed to continue to exist without breeding with the Oankali. But Jodhas is the opposite. It seduces humans into wanting to mate with it. It represents the gene-trade mission. Yet it's story is told in the first-person. I'll be honest, I felt sympathetic towards Jodhas whilst knowing that I probably shouldn't. I found it's relationship with Jesusa and Tomas to be very sweet, I was happy for it! When it didn't tell them that them staying with it throughout it's metamorphosis would hormonally bond them for life, I obviously saw it as terrible. To chemically bond someone to you for life without their consent is awful. And the way that the Ooloi are so good at convincing humans, like when Aaor and Jodhas go to Jesusa and Tomas' community and Aaor instantly gets mates! That humans would immediately want to mate with something they have been brought up to fear their whole lives shows the power of the Ooloi's manipulation. And yet I still feel compassion for them. Butler's writing creates empathy for every single character. The way she writes is as seductive and convincing as an Ooloi's scent.

[moonspirit]

Now that u have answered Annie’s sister in law, we need Armins siblings in law (so Pieck and Reiner)

Maldonado as a side note Annie is Pieck’s younger sister, but she is also Reiner’s older brother. Idk why but that’s just how it is based on dynamics.

Hi anon!

Hahah xD Oh Reiner and Pieck.

Tbh post-canon I really enjoy thinking about these two sets of relationships: Jean-Annie-Connie and Pieck-Armin-Reiner. Each half of Aruani sandwiched between two people from the side opposite to which they once belonged.

Anyway. I said it in some set of tags recently, but I love the potential of the bond Reiner and Armin could share post-rumbling. They're both similar in the respect that they have some self-hatred (though the root-causes are a bit different). This self-hatred, if shared, is something they'd understand. Reiner fought the very essence of life (the hallucinogenia) to help humanity live despite yearning for death himself. After the battle, his mental health is a goner; the guilt of everything that happened right from his birth to the present is extremely heavy to bear alone. If he was at rock bottom before, well now he's below any visible surface lol. Armin isn't too different from him then; he's just as shattered, guilt-ridden and debating his right to exist - but the hope that's inside him is a very, very hard thing to kill. It's because of that hope that the battle could end at all, and even if Eren's death and the loss of much of humanity is a planet-sized sin for him to carry, he's still hopeful, he's still a dreamer, he still sees the beauty in life.

Armin has the potential to lead the way in both his and Reiner's paths to healing. And Reiner, ever the protective big brother, will be unable to hide his genuine care and concern for Armin's well being and safety throughout their political work. The two go on long walks, hands in their pockets, talking about the past and future and everything in between; they play plenty of chess; they pore over maps of the remaining world; they rely on each other to pick the other up when the bouts of guilt overwhelm them.

Pieck now, is very very interesting. Not only is she the sole outsider in the Ambassador group, but she's also the one person who carries no good memories nor much empathy for Eren. She's every bit grounded in reality as Armin cannot help but dream. Initially, I think she'd find Armin's optimism and hope quite naive and delusional; after all she's always been aware of the cruel truth of their existence and the Eldian race's place in the world. Moreover, Armin's bond with Eren puzzles her - she can see that Armin is not a bad person; far from it in fact, he's reasonable, empathetic, careful and strategic. How could it ever have been possible that someone like him and Eren used to be inseparable friends? Over time though as Armin confides in her more about his and Eren's friendship, she learns to appreciate the bittersweetness of two boys who were each the other side of the very same coin.

Pieck and Armin, I hc, share a love for music and gadgets. They are both incredibly smart and this makes it very easy for them to fall into place as a very strong political team. They plan, they strategize, they discuss methods and tools and issues in their way. Armin values Pieck's level-headed approach to viewing and solving problems, while she appreciates his innovative ideas, tact, and careful consideration in minimizing damage. They enjoy conversations, they buy each other music records to play on the gramophone, and while Pieck helps Armin see the things he misses when he's lost in dreams, Armin helps Pieck feel welcome and like family, in their gang of six.

(Bonus: Reiner's always prattling on to Armin about how he's so glad his "little sister Annie" is happy with Armin, while Pieck annoys him to no end by never missing a chance to point out what an adorable simp he is lmao)

[gnomey22]

Hi, hope you're well! Would love to hear your thoughts on more (if purely hypothetical) Failtopia rare pair ships, if you don't mind.

I understand the assignment completely, I'll spin the wheel another five times and jot down some thoughts

Rosebo (Rose/Bo):

Ah, the intentional narrative parallel yuri, always a classic. I think anyone in this fandom would want to see what these two would actually have to say to each other, they have so many surface-level similarities, from their very introductions to the conclusions of their "becoming more confident" arcs, but said arcs manage to conclude in completely opposite directions, one's a redemption and the other's a corruption. It'd be a strained interaction, but I imagine Bo would strike a rare empathy nerve in Rose. Oh, and that rose Bo wears in her costume would be an excellent thematic tool for this, places a lot of significance in their relationship despite zero interactions.

Simplee (Simple Bob/Hank | Lee):

I mean. They have more history with each other than most character relationships in the entire series. Hank was the main target of Bob's demon hunting, the target he chased down throughout an entire prequel series and eventually helped form TFFM specifically to defeat, only to find out he was completely innocent - for now, at least. Bob's a character with a lot of inner conflict, and trying to understand Hank's identity as a person outside of the Dark Curse, only for S2 to happen and undo everything, would throw him for a very interesting loop, in my opinion. On Hank's side, maybe it'd be nice to have someone who understands his history as the Dark Lord who's also willing to help him through it.

Yawnk (Pirahnyawn/Hank | Lee):

Pathetic. These are two absolutely pathetic men, shoved into a world they know nothing about, and manage to make it worse for everyone around them. There's an attempt on both ends, Yawn was a (mediocre) healing force and managed to form a (toxic) relationship with Rose, and Hank was (almost) a valuable asset to TFFM in the Dark Lord's tower, but once either of these two fail at what they initially went, they sink into toxic behaviours. They would make each other worse, is my point. But maybe, just maybe, Hank could find a purpose through Yawn's family, and Yawn could find someone who motivates him to take some action? Who knows.

Lanjoke (Lanc/Joker):

Often sidelined in TFFM, these two interacted a lot in Karkaton because of Failboat and Erica bonding, and there's a good bit of potential in going further with their dynamic. The most personality Joker ever gets is being a realist, knowing when he's going to get knocked down and preparing in advance, which I think would strike a chord with Lanc, the scientist aiming for optimisation, and also provide a contrast with his eccentricities. Lanc's a rather extravagant person, at the end of the day, while Joker operates in the shadows, I think they could actually learn a lot from each other, in terms of understanding the world around them.

Eribob (Erica/Simple Bob):

From one Warrior to another, there's a lot that can be passed down. Erica was mostly neutral on Bob as a person, their friendship was very easily fractured, but there would've been a mutual respect, they shared a tendency to value their teams and battle tactics over themselves, and that lead Erica to take on some advice she heard very early on from Bob, when she became a Warrior herself. She could remain as a healer of sorts, by striking down anything harmful before it could act. On Bob's end, he can get a bit in over his head with the whole "no self-respect" thing, and Erica's a good person to keep him from throwing himself into unnecessary danger.

[i-eat-deodorant]

Tell me about your onions.

here's an onion. i'm so funny.

ahem.

ok real talk though i've been doing a couple brief dives into the reincarnation aspect of buddhism/hinduism, which haven't been super applicable to COTL so far. which is a shame, bc it has such an interesting take on rebirth and resurrection within the nature of religion.

in COTL, death is seen as semi-permanent and a boon. lamb uses it to their advantage via the nature of game protagonists being able to restart from a save point when they died. the ritual of resurrection is groundbreaking for followers, and i headcanon that the ritual of rebirth is the main reason why TOWW got imprisoned. it is very much a loaded gun in the COTL world.

but buddhism treats rebirth as not only a nature of living, but something that needs to be escaped from. literally something that one must fight to be unshackled from, to break past samsara and reach ascension via nirvana. it's such an interesting viewpoint to consider and explore, especially bc my interpretation of lamb has them never being willing to become this resurrecting figure in the first place. as much as the red crown has been a boon for them, it's also acted as a bind. they will always have both their mortal and godly vices.

in both hinduism and buddhism there are multiple schools of thought that tackle the continuuity of resurrection, aka "what is carried over when one is reborn?"

now suppose narinder did not carry everything he had as TOWW to his mortal form. what is lost, and what is gained?

if i were to adapt samsara into my cotl fics i'd focus less on actual death and more on metaphorical ones. which, ok bear with me here, is a huge part of my personal philosophy.

humans are not static; we grow and develop, and in doing so we shed prior versions of ourselves like metamorphosis. a sort of ego death lite, if you will. when faced with a traumatic event, the person you once were is not the same as the person you are now. that is the kind of metaphorical death i'm talking about; the death of a former self.

but what exactly marks the new self and the old self? nothing, theoretically. we can make the boundary as low or as high as we want.

consider the ship of theseus: if a huge portion of my body is replaced every 7 years, can i definitely say i am who i was 7 years ago? what part of identity and self stays constant, when my personality's changed drastically? am i a stranger with the memories of someone else?

now narrow the boundary. if the self is physically static, then every time a cell dies, the self dies.

using that technical definition, technically i die and am reborn every single second. a metaphorical death and a metaphorical rebirth, and what gets carried over?

something something life and death are two sides of the coin of change.

that's why i kinda keep emphasizing lamb's impostor syndrome crisis about themselves dying in both soul and body during the execution. that's why i divide narinder's life into such stark epochs (mortal, bishop, imprisoned, mortal again). that's why i love treating their afterlife not as a continuity of their character development, but a second chance. ship of theseus, broken down and rebuilt anew.

it's not nirvana. but it's making the best out of your own personal samsara.

and just. there's something so poetic about narinder and lamb reincarnating as gods of death, because the only way to die repeatedly is to live again after each one. a taste of permanence in the impermanent, without ever reaching that finality that they embody as gods. they represent the very thing they are and aren't. it's a paradox that makes perfect sense the moment you remove the black-and-white boundary of life/death that dictates they must be opposites.

and this is what i love exploring. breaking down the barriers of identity and death in the metaphysical sense, in two characters who are defined by so much loss in their lives. (metaphorical) death, treated as redemption, treated as healing.

lamb, offering a hand up to a newly reborn narinder. i died, i got up, and i live.

[kidnappedbycartoons]

Returning to Tumblr solely because I'm back on my Zutara shit. That moment in the catacombs was such a perfect setup, let me break it down.

Zuko being the one to reach out first

At this point, Zuko had been moving towards a more positive lifestyle and it shows in his reaction. Even though he is frustrated when Katara yells at him, he doesn't lash out or use his firebending. Season one Zuko wouldn't have been able to do this, look at that growth. Instead, he apologizes to her and attempts to connect with her by bringing up his mother as well.

Up until this point, the only people that Katara could talk to about the Fire Nation taken away her mother were other victims of the Fire Nation. On top of that, Zuko has been chasing down Aang for a hot minute. Who would've thought that the son of the Fire Lord also experienced the pain of losing his mother? Would've been able to understand that pain and loss? Would've been able to bond with her through that?

Katara offering to heal him with the water from the Spirit Oasis

Once again, I don't think people realize how impactful this is. This is water from the Spirit Oasis. She literally says that she has been saving it for something important. And as we all know, she only had enough for one use which ended up being healing Aang. But Katara offered to heal ZUKO'S scar with it. On top of that, let's look back.

Katara apologizes to him for yelling and feels comfortable enough with him to tell him that whenever she thought of the enemy, she thought of him. Mind you, she's using past tense. Clearly, after the two of them managed to open up to each other, she started to see him as the person he is and not just the enemy. And Zuko feels comfortable enough to tell her how he views the scar Ozai gave him and his recent revelations. These two have been on opposite sides for months, but it only took a few minutes or hours at most, for them to reach this level of comfortability with each other. Don't think so?

Zuko lets Katara touch the scar

Zuko has been very self-conscious of his scar whenever someone brought it up or drew attention to it. So for him to allow Katara to get close enough and place her hand on the physical representation of his trauma and pain just shows how safe he feels with her in this moment. And not just him, but for Katara to feel safe enough to even get that close to him without worrying if he was going to lash out and she would have to put him in his place. Do y'all not see the material? They trusted each other in this moment.

Of course, we get cut off by Aang and Iron pulling up which leads to the next point.

The looks

When Katara and Aang hug, Zuko glares at Aang. Now, it is highly possible that this is because a part of him still feels the need to catch the Avatar, but coming after that scene, doesn't it read like jealousy?

And as Katara leaves, she looks back at Zuko who is looking away with a sad expression. In that moment, in those catacombs, she felt something. As Katara will tell Zuko before their field trip, she trusted him. It's the emotional intimacy for me.

[pagingharu]

Name: Cassiopeia (Cassie) Galanis

Birthday: March 1

Age: 26 years old

Height: 5'7''

MBTI: INTJ-A

Main Theme Song: Devil In Me by Halsey

Occupation: She was formerly part of the Special Operations Forces, until Jumin offered her a job. She now works for him in C&R International as a bodyguard.

Bio: Not much is known about her history with how it's kept confidential, even to Jumin. There are also speculations that the name she uses isn't her real name, though there is no way of proving it. Despite all that, Jumin trusts her and that she can look after V after assigning her as his personal bodyguard. While she and V kept things professional at first, the two eventually warmed up to each other and grew close.

Personality: rational, independent, prefers to take matters into her own hands, determined though it could border to being stubborn, faces challenges head on, curious, dismissive of emotions, can be seen cold at first

Relationships: (bear with me as i type a whole lotta things)

ALSO EVERYONE LIVES AU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

V - VIP and bodyguard dynamic (eventual lovers? whatever they have going, it confuses everyone)

V didn't want a bodyguard at first, and tried to make Jumin back down from his decision of assigning Cassie to him, but this all fell on deaf ears. This was immediately followed by V trying to make things hard for Cassie in an attempt to make her quit. Though this was proven hard to do so with him failing every time. He was too much of a kind gentleman to be a bother to someone.

Cassie was determined to stay by his side, and upon seeing this, V eventually gave up on his plan. Instead, he made her promise to him not to interfere with or stop his plans. In return, Cassie made him promise to her to never shut her out. Whatever it is that concerns him, she'll be there for him.

After everything that happened, Cassie continued her job as V's bodyguard even though there was no need for it anymore. Not that she'd admit it, but she grew to care for him and wanted to stay by his side. She didn't know it, but V felt the same way towards her. When he decided to go on a journey to heal himself, he asked if she'd come with him. She responded with a smile, saying where he goes, she'd follow.

MC2 (blonde hair) - friends

An introvert and extrovert friendship. While Cassie first found it awkward to be part of RFA where everything wasn't about work, MC2 didn't mind taking her under her wing. It was thanks to her that Cassie was able to open up to everyone else.

Both tend to push each other to go out of their comfort zones and try new things out, what more with MC2 falling in love with 707. Cassie would tease them and the love story unfolding between the two, but she would also be their biggest supporter.

Jumin - boss and employee dynamic

They first met during one of Cassie's missions under Special Operations Forces. She caught Jumin's interest that he personally reached out to her with an offer to work for him sometime later.

He sees her as one of the best thus assigned her to V. Cassie respects him, just as he with her, and both have an unspoken agreement to team up together. While her history is shrouded with mystery, this doesn't deter Jumin from relying on her to keep V safe.

Jaehee - coworkers dynamic

Despite being in the same company, they aren't close with how they keep things professional between. They were both strictly work, nothing else. It wasn't until Cassie joined the RFA group chat that the two started talking about other things besides work.

At some point, Cassie began lending her ear to Jaehee whenever she needed to rant about work or their boss, Jumin. This amuses Cassie the more Jaehee rants, seeing her in a new light.

707 - siblings dynamic

Even though they're opposites, both seem quite fond of their sudden friendship. 707 was the first to reach out, and from his teases and jokes, Cassie finds herself enjoying his company. Even going along with his antics from time to time with her deadpan humor.

The two make quite the unstoppable team when they first worked together. Cassie likes that he can keep up with her in terms of missions, and 707 seems more than glad to have company during those. She sees how in love he is for MC2, and nudges for him to make a move.

Zen - silver haired rivals

Both act as if there can only be one silver haired member of RFA, and this often leads to them bickering about trivial things. Cassie especially doesn't like the fact that Zen insults Jumin, and Zen can't understand why she's so loyal to the man.

Though they find a common ground in protecting the people they care for. There are times when Zen thinks Cassie's ways are a bit too extreme, but nonetheless they back each other up to keep everyone safe.

Yoosung - one sided admiration

Yoosung views Cassie as someone awesome, just like the protagonists in action movies. He's even sure she can do everything on her own, seeing her as a one man team. While she didn't know what to say to his admiration at first, she later on found it amusing.

Though he sometimes gets fooled by 707 and Cassie whenever he asks about their jobs and the likes; what they do in the shadows and all that. When Yoosung realizes he's been made fun of, he goes after the two to give them a piece of his mind.

Vanderwood - acquaintances

While they aren't close, they do keep a civil and professional dynamic. It often stems from their similarities when it comes to work and being loyal to their boss. Although teaming up alongside 707 changed a few things, and they were able to rely more on each other.

Saeran - former enemies

They hated each other at first with his affiliation to Mint Eye and her job to protect V. Both were even willing to hurt the other if it was called for. It wasn't until after everything was done that they reluctantly learned to be civil with each other, mostly for 707's sake.

Rika - former(?) enemies

Similar to Saeran, they both see each other as enemies. With Cassie protecting V, and V realizing his relationship with Rika was toxic, this led Rika to believe everything was Cassie's fault and tried to kill her. After everything was done, they barely interacted as Rika is sent away for treatment.

[liketwoswansinbalance]

The BROTHERS vs. SELF-ACTUALIZATION: Why Rise's Plot is the Way It Is and Why the Brothers' Original Characterizations are Inextricable from that Plot

A continuation of this post. If you haven't already, skim the previous post's photos for context.

First, let's start ourselves off with this poll:

The reason why I've started with this question is because I have potential plans to start the same poll again after I publish a different post I've got in the works, and I wish to compare the before and after results, after I point out a certain few things about Adela Sader and Rafal's conduct in Monrovia.

⸻

Now that that's out of the way:

To begin with the most obvious point: Rhian and Rafal are opposites, two sides of the same coin, as the Bettelheim text repeatedly claims about the pairs of brothers in classic tales. Still, there are other possible "references" or parallels present.

(I can't quite call the perception of the twins' presences in an unrelated text "references" since, well, the text predates them. Its copyright date is 1975 and Rise was published in 2022.)

The brothers in the tales "remain in touch through magic," which already parallels how Rhian and Rafal each realized in Fall that they weren't healing, a sign of their bond/sorcery's decay, their succumbing to the figurative rot.

Rhian and Rafal also have several of the character traits described in the Bettelheim text in common with the other sets of fairy-tale brothers. And, there's the plot of Rafal leaving in Rise and both brothers encountering dangers and saving each other (yes, remember: Rhian's love saves Rafal's life—even if most of the overall action unfairly weighs on Rafal as he fixes things like he's a beast of burden).

Adela Sader, a Seer, is the "witch," to an extent, like the archetypal figure, if not a literal one, for what she represents in the conflict. She and Rafal's interaction could represent a moment of temptation, a common turning-point for better or for worse in literature in general. And Rafal's decision to try to withhold and prevent the inevitable prophecy from coming true speaks volumes about his personality and more importantly, his self-image and what he thinks of himself, as he uses the world he inhabits and its laws as a yardstick with which to evaluate himself. Yet, unfortunately for him and his best-laid plans, he's a complete individual who deserves to view himself as someone apart from existing structures, like Evil, that can prove one-sided.

I'd even go as far as saying: Evil ≠ Never because we've come to associate certain traits with Nevers that not all Evil-doers in the Woods possess. Essentially, we could think: all Nevers are Evil-doers, but not all Evil-doers are (conventional) Nevers. There are many characters throughout the series who serve as exceptions to the "rule" or whatever is considered common practice or Never "culture" and its customs. There are more connotations to being a Never than there are to being Evil. For instance, "Never" can imply "losing-streak" and "poor hygiene," while "Evil," being more detached from the Woods' subjective perceptions, doesn't immediately do the same thing as an evocative word.

(Eventually, I might post something about Rafal's genre-savviness dilemma because it could take too long to explain now and detract from the point of this particular post, which is not mainly about Adela Sader, identity, and Rafal's genre-savviness.)

Furthermore, I will discuss the twins' codependence and how each was never able to disentangle himself from the other of the pair.

Enter vague thematic ideas:

Individuality, interpreted as "free will," in this case.

The separation and "inner integration" of opposing sides (which implies both 1) coming to terms with the existence of the other, conflicting part to the whole and 2) more fundamentally, in actual psychology, reconciling yourself with yourself, knowing yourself, and feeling "complete" so to speak).

Independence and asserting oneself.

First of all, we can observe Rhian's physicality and physical desire versus Rafal's restrained nature. (I'm not saying Rafal lacks physicality at all, but he's not as open with it. He's less wild, reckless, and restless, as far as some of his outward behaviors, if not his thoughts, go.)

Hence, the more Rhian gives into romantic infatuations and the accompanying lust, the more he loses sight of true Goodness and his own humanity. His heartstrings become puppet strings. He gets more animalistic verbs and snake imagery revolving around him as time beats on, as the plot progresses, and he unravels, for lack of having achieved total "integration." And all this is by failure of being a well-adjusted individual or "sane" adult.

And who do we have to blame for stunting his growth and maturity as a person apart from others, with an identity that doesn't rely on external things?: Rafal, who is almost equally teenage-minded.

And Rhian's unwitting antagonist here is not only Rafal. There's one other force working against him: the Storian. Neither of the twins' minds were ever allowed to develop past adolescence and that fact is at least partly at fault for their downfall.

Rafal apparently kept Rhian in check—that's what we implicitly learned in Rafal's absence. The opposite could also at once be true, but that's not relevant now.

Rhian's usual Goodness started to slip and fall to the wayside, probably because he had no one to be better than, no one to show up, and therefore, no one to compare himself to. So, he had no living proof he was doing the right thing for an extended period of time.

This plays into how being the sole actor in any scenario doesn't suit either of the brothers well. Because, they lose sight of anything objective when their fellow marker or "yardstick" isn't present for them to use to see themselves with.

It's not that they don't have a sense of right or wrong; they do. It's that that very sense becomes diluted and ineffectual when the other isn't there.

They becomes skewed—first, turning into the most extreme version of themselves, more like themselves than ever. (E.g., Rafal callously took an innocent hostage and acted in cold blood various times, and Rhian continually fed his sense of vanity). And then, they eventually dropped off at some point, at the "peak" of behaving like themselves, suddenly behaving, or rather, becoming, unlike themselves, which is exactly when the problems start.

For instance, just look at the moment Rhian decides to do what Rafal would do (in Rhian's mind, congruent with his image of Rafal), when he agrees to the bet Vulcan challenges him to. He semi-consciously chooses to fight Evil with Evil, instead of doing what he himself would do, swallowing his pride and protecting his wards, despite the blow to his ego in taking the coward's way out. He doesn't exercise his immaterial authority, (verbally, instead of physically, through a tangible competition).

And generally, before he's corrupted, Rhian has trouble exercising the authority he should've had—another sign of how he never comes into his own. Nor did Rhian have the chance to come into his own, with the authorities that be (Rafal and the Storian) always, constantly hovering over him, trapping him in inaction, in the past.

The strange thing is, in Fall, Rafal admits to having conceded a lot of the time to Rhian in the past, in the face of smaller, pettier arguments, a trend which also represents his yielding to Rhian's (supposedly nonexistent) authority in the early days. That tendency seems self-contradictory of Rafal, but perhaps, even Rafal's authority is situational. He's capable of exercising it over everything and world, but not over his own brother. He can't rein Rhian, the inevitable force, the "fatal" (to invoke both death and "fate") tides of change, the Prime Mover, in.

Meanwhile, Rhian is the inverse of that. Rhian cannot exercise authority over everything and the world, but he can do so over his own brother.

Besides, Rafal, often by sorcery or by outright manhandling, manipulates and exerts his physicality over others and his environment while Rhian rarely does. And yet, Rafal (from what I remember) never so much as lays a hand on Rhian during Rise (in Fall, everything changes and escalates).

I don't yet know why this is, but I think this observation is true most of the time. At least, I haven't thought of any exceptions yet.

The working hypothesis I have is that Rhian (being the brother who chose to stay in the comfort and limited confines of the home, according to the Bettelheim text's ideas) only initially felt comfortable to do anything there. To act, and exercise his authority in an intimate, narrow, personal way.

By contrast, Rafal (the more worldly, well-traveled, and inconstant brother) wants to gain independence from their stifling "home" life, under the Storian, and, as a result, upon his return, could've felt like a stranger in his own home and with Rhian (who's also changed in his brother's absence regardless). Thus, while Rafal can certainly exercise his authority impersonally, he doesn't feel at ease exercising authority over the familiar because it could be too close for comfort, too unsettling, unsettlingly different and the same, like he can't shed the disbelonging that drove him out of the fairy-tale construct of the "home" as a safe, childhood refuge in the first place—when Rhian first questioned his very core purpose and Evil's existence.

(By the way, I came up with a pun: despite being gay, Rhian made Rafal "home-a-phobic.")

To simplify the above, Rhian is homebound, while Rafal is figuratively "homeless" and still somehow recluse-leaning, despite not having a place to seclude himself in, in the end. (During Fall, he clearly doesn't feel safe because he's overly, rightly paranoid that Rhian is out to get him, prompting him to find a "faithful soldier." Then again, we can't fully blame Rhian since Rafal created Evil Rhian by means of a self-fulfilling prophecy.)

In addition, when Rafal possibly (unconsciously?) tries to carve out a place for himself in the world (apart from Rhian and the School) that start of his action reflects a classic adolescent struggle. Due to his role at the Schools as School Master and in being Rhian's brother, exclusive of all else, he's managed to postpone this phase of discovery, or keep this rite of passage from happening. And, this phase almost wouldn't have happened, if he'd never left!

Still, beyond that, he fails at it, at "finding himself," because he doesn't sever himself from the past, even if his "old ties" indeed loosen, by way of the rot affecting the brothers' bond, when he tries to forge new ties in the present (with Hook). And, he returns to his home, to forge anew the old bond he already had instead.

Could that act of returning be a form of regression?

The timescale of all this normal human development, taking place after a century, is really what's most bizarre about it all—hazards of being an immortal.

Perhaps, he was tasked with so much to keep up with and balance that he was in something of a primitive, "survival" mode, even if it looked like he was thriving and performing his job optimally before—and maybe, just maybe, that meant his pursuit of self-discovery was set to "dormant" for so long that it hadn't registered on his radar when the process began.

I believe the brothers are approximately around "Identity vs. Role Confusion" and "Intimacy vs. Isolation" (the latter concerning Rhian in particular) and that they start in Foreclosure and end in some perverse, tragically incomplete (or prematurely cut-off in Rafal's case) form of Moratorium, which, ironically, bears similarities to the concept of death, or even the phrase memento mori, for, mortal time is limited, and we must change before our final deadline—a deadline neither of the brothers had and hadn't the need to conform to or act on, as long as their immortality remained intact.

For reference:

"Identity confusion/diffusion occurs when adolescents neither explore nor commit to any identities. Foreclosure occurs when an individual commits to an identity without exploring options. A moratorium is a state in which adolescents are actively exploring options but have not yet made commitments. As mentioned earlier, individuals who have explored different options, discovered their purpose, and have made identity commitments are in a state of identity achievement" (Source).

Also, I want to point out that Rafal never did give up "the organization of his life," mentioned in the Bettelheim text, which may've interfered with his identity formation, fulfillment, and attainment of relationships outside of his with Rhian.

He wouldn't relinquish control, ever, unless it was pried from his cold, dead hands. (And it was.)

Perhaps, he was reluctant to let go of order? But, aren't we all prone to wanting order and flattening complexity as humans anyway? It's not just his fault as an individual; it's probably our collective fault as a species.

(Does anyone see this from a different perspective? I might be sympathizing with him too much.)

Moving on, the deep, dark forest of the soul is probably a common idea that other authors, like Professor Maria Tatar, have explored, if I'm remembering that correctly. I guess we could just establish that the further Rafal ventures into the Woods, and the more he distances himself from Rhian, and the worse off he is. But, I don't think all of that is truly proportional in a traceable way, considering that lots of his worse moments, like his trial sentence, happen at the Schools.

So, why don't we just consider the whole of the Woods dark and primal, and susceptible to the "cauldron of the unconscious" and the worst urges of humanity's Evil, and call it a day?

Gavaldon would have to be the separate space then, but it's no more civil than the Woods are, as, it's still distinct yet part of the Woods all the same in its enclosure.

In fact, let's just apply the dark woods-baser urges analogy to the world like a blanket.

Back to Adela Sader now.

She prompts anxieties in Rafal that he wouldn't have held or have even seen within himself, if not for her making him aware—aware to his detriment, when he chose knowledge over blissful ignorance, accessing the "forbidden" or the irreconcilable truth of a prophecy he didn't have the ability to integrate into his current worldview without collapsing what he knew to be true, when he metaphorically opened his eyes and didn't turn away.

This decision to ask for an direct answer to the future (instead of discovering and interpreting it for himself in real time) led him further away from self-actualization. (No, I don't mean his eleventh-hour Good revelation. I mean simply him as a underdeveloped, immature human being, however mature he may seem.)

Anxiety can drive people mad and meddle with how clearly they see the world (trust me on this one), and worse, this artificial anxiety Adela Sader gave him was imposed on him because he couldn't have known any better to not seek out or reject this knowledge. No one can forget something once it's known, once they're "awakened" to it.

Lastly, if anyone wants me to probe anything more or think on any of the parts in more depth, tell me. I will also provide clarification and context, and answer any questions, if anyone would like.

[starpiastri]

post break up sebmark drabble blehhhh have at it (v brief mentions of animal death + general violence)

~~

So it was important for me to just enjoy home

enjoy the things that are waiting there.

some stuff that, you know, you had no time during the season to fix.

Enjoyed, uh, being in my own bed,

I think it's always

you always want what you don't,

what you don't have.

2013

~~

“Don’t you ever just give it a rest?”

Sebastian doesn’t look at him, carries on staring at the engineers below them. The car looks good from far away. These are the first words Mark has said to him since December 31st, 11:59pm.

“You wouldn’t like me if I did.”

“Don’t know where you got the impression that I like you, mate.”

He just laughs bitterly, turning from the balcony to face Mark. Everyone is far enough for this to happen. There’s offices with thin enough glass that could overhear but they’re empty, just shells. The noise echoes off desks and papers and contracts.

“Think they call that leading someone on, mate.”

Mark holds the eye roll for now.

“Just get a grip, yeah? I’ll play nice if you do, that’s how this works.”

“It’s never been how this works.”

This is the factory and this is the race and this is the championship and this is them, just shadows on blue and red and yellow walls. It’s always been this way. These are not fresh wounds. The blood is drying beneath their feet and back at the house and in those damned hotel rooms.

Maybe Sebastian just hates what he left behind. What he can’t have.

“Fuck off, Seb.”

~~

Thank god he’s home. Mark scrapes 6th after the starting chaos and he thinks about his back covered in scarlet overalls the entire time he claws his way up to points.

He gets out of the car at the end, sees the cars as skeletons, and forgets the bleeding red thoughts entirely.

~~

“Won't you come?”

Mark sits in his childhood bedroom and listens to Sebastian on the phone.

“Thought you hated it.”

He doesn’t say me, he won’t say me. Nails in the coffin, or something like that.

“I couldn’t. You know that.”

happy new year, love

“Fucking hell, Sebastian.”

“Please. You know how this is going to end and I just want- I just want.”

He doesn’t have a fucking clue how it’s going to end, Mark thinks, as he looks at the same piece of wallpaper that’s been tearing for 30 years. He’s looking at the wall while the room speaks to him and it has the voice of the man he loved and it says his name.

“Mark.”

The worst part is he says his name like he’s always said it. That truly is the worst part of it all, not New Year’s, not Turkey or Silverstone or all their other meaningless moments that the journalists attribute to them. Oh, will they ever care beyond that? Will Mark? Will Sebastian?

“Please.”

Monaco. They’ve got matching cars on opposite sides of the world and they’ve got matching scars on old liveries from each other’s sharp edges. They’ve got enough bruises in the same places underneath their skin that won’t ever heal and they’ll sting when they bump into each other in 5, 10 years.

“I can’t, Sebastian.”

There’s a long crackle of silence, the static flooding the room.

“Are you sorry about it?”

And if he willed himself, Mark could go off on a spiel of what do I need to be sorry for? He could start with all the useless conversations that never ended nicely but at least they did end. He’s run out of bandages and he’s no longer dressing his wounds, neither of them are. It’s just that Sebastian is more willing to poke at one until it’s infected all over again.

Maybe Sebastian still wants to hurt. Mark won’t grant him that, whether it be in the form of an argument or his appearance at his hotel room door. That’s his punishment.

“Goodnight, Seb.”

happy new year.

~~

“Can I call you? Please, Mark, can I call you?”

Everything is in motion, still. It’s not the adrenaline, long dead in his bones, but it’s something different, something much worse. He feels nauseous when Sebastian looks at him the way he does. Mark can’t hear himself talk but he knows he’s let go.

Fingers release the cliff-edge and he’s finally in free fall.

The second step feels even lower when the guy on the top looks down at you with big blue eyes that are conflicted and flitting from the sky to your cap that has 2 on it so boldly no one could mistake it. He could read Seb’s mind, if he really wanted to. They’ve always been too good at doing that to one another.

He thinks about bulls and prancing horses and roadkill as someone else’s words wash over him and black oil spills from his mouth.

~~

You’ve got to understand my point of view, here.

I don’t know how the fuck you think you’ve got a point of view.

Stop shouting

Seb, I’m not- Right. Go on then.

I’m telling you that I think I’ll always respect you. As a driver. You know that.

But you’ve entirely- I can’t believe you, I can’t respect you as a person, not after that.

Then our relationship is in trouble. That’s it.

Yeah, that’s it.

~~

Mark bows out but not before he feels the wind in his hair. It feels a bit like freedom but it feels a lot more like relief.

He feels the weight of Sebastian’s words on him once more, the feeling of his palm in his in a firm handshake, and he finally retires as a Formula One racing driver. Sebastian takes his last world championship and they both cry at 11pm that night but they won’t ever know the other did too.

The phone line remains uncalled and the hotel room doors stay shut.

~~

“Were you happy to see me go?”

There’s red wine and too much of it. Sebastian looks older already but it’s only been two years. He looks better for a Ferrari racesuit. Mark looks better for doing whatever he wants. They’re still working out how all of this goes but they’re doing it gently.

Mark hopes they are, anyway. It’s not been fucking easy, but at least it’s been gentle.

“Happy isn’t quite right.”

Mark doesn’t push, something else he’s learning, and just looks out onto the garden and sips from his glass. The night air sings with creatures and is lit by the stars that are so clear here.

“I just watched you go. I felt nothing.”

“And was that good or bad?”

Sebastian smiles, knowing Mark always wants a clear answer.

“Well, it’s got me here. Got you here too. So I think it’s good.”

Mark never thought it any good to feel nothing, but he looks at Sebastian’s face now and doesn’t see numbness.

It’s the wine and it’s their shadows together.

Maybe one day, it’ll be them again.

2015

~~

[ninyard]

Could we have more about rowan or paris idk hc, love life and etc if you don’t mind, i love your ocs sm !!

oh thinking about this. thinking about my boys in love!!!!!

rowan? rowan has a lot of guilt about love and so i think it's really difficult for him to settle into a normal relationship, or to even admit that he has feelings for another man. i actually think for quite a while after he comes home, he struggles a lot with his sexuality again because he's spent so long burying it down that when it starts to come up for him again, it comes up with a lot of difficult feelings and memories and it... almost feels like a punishment for him. when he finds someone, and starts to get close to them, these feelings that feel like love or a crush end up getting confused with something wrong or dirty or inappropriate or sinful. he definitely swears himself off of love for quite some time, thinking it's just not for him. but at some point he breaks, he finds peace in his religion again, he speaks to other queer people who were able to find a space in their spirituality where their queerness can sit comfortably. being on the foxes and meeting a whole bunch of fucked up kids with fucked up pasts and fucked up relationships with their families, and sexualities, and existences? it's healing, at some point.

(i still think a lot about rowan casually dropping his lore into conversation at some point, like having a conversation with the foxes and offhandedly mentioning that he was in conversion therapy and the victim of religious institutional abuse like 🤪✌️)

paris is a lover, but he's really oblivious sometimes. you could kiss his stupid face and tell him you love him and he would still be like... as friends?

paris loves his friends, and while he's a tough nut to crack to get to know, once you know him, he'd have you questioning constantly "what are we?". He cuddles, he hugs, he'll fight tooth and nail for anyone that he loves. he had a longterm girlfriend in high school, but they broke up just before he left for edgar allan on pretty good terms and it was a mutual agreement, no bad feelings. it came about as they both realised they were going to opposite sides of the country for college, they were such good friends, they just both knew they couldn't make it work. knowing he was going to EAU he was aware of their kind-of "social media" policy which meant they wouldnt even really be able to speak at all. he called her when he was in town after coming back from eau for the week or two he was there, and they hooked up, but it was weird - she knew something was wrong, he didn't want to talk about it, and then it wasn't long before he moved to california afterwards.

for the couple months before he started classes at USC, he was seeing a guy who was on the football team. it was a very no-questions-asked kind of deal that they had, the footballer wasn't out, and paris wasn't emotionally able for anything serious at that stage. the guy he was sleeping with didn't ask him much about who he was, and paris didn't really care enough to get to know him any better either. he hated it, in a way, being so emotionally unavailable with someone, feeling so disconnected personally with someone he was sleeping with, but at that point he didn't really care. it didn't mean anything for him, it was just a stress release, and when they stopped seeing each other and paris started going to training and eventually to classes, he really started to... push his feelings inwards a little bit. he reminded himself to stay guarded, and for a while after that he didn't let anybody in too close again. a couple of nameless casual hookups here and there, but nothing serious.

paris is really flexible when it comes to labels and types of relationships he's interested in. he's done it all, really, and he's pretty much okay with anything so long as everyones comfortable. he finds it hard to be vulnerable in serious relationships, and usually just opts for hookups and one night stands. he's kind of more into non-monogamous situationships because they're less "stress" for him and much easier to navigate in his eyes. once he cracks, when he hits that wall in USC where he can't hold himself together anymore, and he starts going to therapy and being more honest about what happened to him, he opens himself up to the idea of dating again.

paris' dating life is confusing, because on the one hand he wants to be loved, but on the other hand he's forgotten how to be loved, how to act when he feels loved. he is so affectionate and cares so much but he can't let anyone in close enough to show it. same as rowan, he gets there eventually, but its a slow journey, that he keeps rushing himself into and either hurts himself or the other person in the process.

(@joanofexys knows a bit about how he gets on in his dating life once he goes pro. but thats for another day <3)