#someone get him to narrate an audiobook

[bluecoffeebeanz]

kit connor's voice is so therapeutic and sounds like warm tea and honey I can't explain it

[satorusugurugurl]

I love your work so much! I always read it every time you post !! Can I make a request on how JJK men would react to their girl having a voice kink?? It would be insane 😭😭 Thank you so much!!

Voice Kink?!

Summary: JJK men, find out about your voice kink 🥴

Characters: Gojo Satoru, Geto Suguru, Nanami Kento, Choso Kamo

Word Count: 4,242

Warnings: smut, public play, dirty talk, oral sex, N-Nanami’s stern voice, whimpering, lots of moans and language

A/N: As someone with a voice kink, I loved this nonnie. 🥴 love it, unekfkrkdkdm moan in my ear talk dirty to me! 🌶🌶🌶 please enjoy!! 💚

Gojo Satoru:

Gojo yawned as he opened the door to the condo you shared. It was in the late evening, and from the smell of cooked food, he knew you were home. He didn't even bother calling out that he was home, as he'd just texted you in the lobby that he was on his way up. What mattered to him now was taking off his uniform and a hot shower.

Approaching the bedroom, Satoru rubbed at the stiffness in his neck before a groan from the bedroom sounded. A groan that was deep, guttural, and not him. Before he could storm in, another voice sounded, a woman that wasn't you. And it was narrating? Peeking his head in, he watched you folding clothes, your cell phone on the nightstand playing an audiobook.

‘I approached the god of war, gently touching his chest.

‘Stop!’ he shouted, ‘If you don't get out of my sight, I will fuck you’

Satoru blinked, goddamn that male actor was playing the part well and snarling and growling in a deep guttural moan. The narrator went on to describe in detail how the male character was fucking the main heroine. You seemed unfazed by it, folding some of Gojo’s blindfolded and placing it to the side.

‘Your tight cunt is hugging my cock’ The male narrator announced, causing you to stiffen. ‘Do you like that~ hmm? Like when I fuck you, stuff your pussy full of my dick?’

You shifted, rubbing your thighs together, breath coming out in soft gasps as you glanced at your phone. Satoru knew what was going on with you instantly. You were wet. His sweet, innocent girlfriend was wet over a man’s voice growling and groaning, which left him feeling jealous and horny. Do you like it when people groaned and growled? Using their voice to describe what they were doing.

Satoru could easily do that.

You shifted again, whimpering softly before a large hand grabbed the back of your neck. You squeaked as you were bent over the bed, another hand yanking your shorts down. Turning slightly, you stared at Satoru, who was unzipping his pants.

“Satoru, what are you—”

“I'm just going to stuff this pretty cunt full of cock.” he growled, leaning down, rubbing the tip teasingly over the folds of your pussy. “You’re already soaking wet.” His voice vibrated in his chest as he leaned over your body, his mouth against the nape of your neck. “Does hearing someone talk nasty get you dripping? It makes that tight hole throb, begging to be filled and pleased?”

His breath was hot against your skin, sensing a shiver down your spine. “T-Toru~” You felt a slick running down your thigh as Satoru began grinding his cock over your tight entrance.

“The fact that your cunt is drooling all over my fat cock confirms that my sweet girlfriend is secretly a slut.”

“I-I—”

“You what? Go on,” he learned next to your ear, growling into it, causing goosebumps to rise down your arms, “speak up.”

You rocked back, pushing the tip of his cock inside you, causing Satoru to moan. “Yes, yes, I like it when you talk nasty.” your boyfriend laughed out loud, his cock sliding inside of you.

“Good fuckin’ girl~” The bed creaked, freshly folded clothes falling to the ground. “Fuck~” he groaned into your ear, “fucking yes~ mhmm what did that character say~?” your walls clenched, “ ‘Your pussy is hugging my cock~’?”

“Ngggh!” you cried out, fisting the comforter, eyes rolling back as your walls twitched in happiness at his voice. “T-Toooru!”

“No, he said something else that made you rub your legs together.” His teeth grazed over your earlobe. “What~?” Thrust. “Was~?” you cry out, eyes rolling back. “It~?” Satoru shoved his entire cock into you, humming in pondering thought. You were cock drunk, drool pooling underneath you as you panted. “Oh, right!” He pulled out before slamming back in with a snarl. “Something along the lines of—do you like it when I fuck you.” His mouth was against your ear again. “Stuff, you pretty pussy full of my cock?”

It was a combination of the thrusts and his words that had you cumming, legs shaking, buckling as you gushed all over him. Seeing you cum that hard had Satoru laughing in satisfaction as you twitched and tried pulling away from the oversensitivity of just how hard you had cummed. Satoru tilted his head, pouting in faux concern as you tried to stand.

“Awe~ was that too much for my sweetheart to handle~?” Crawling onto the bed, you shook your head with heavy gasps. “Noo~? Oooh, my little slut wants more~?”

“Fuck me~ fuck me, please!” you were so wet and horny, and Satoru just made one of your fantasies come try in a matter of seconds. “Please, Toru! Please!”

“Well, how could I deny my pretty girl when she begs so pretty~?” you glanced back, watching him strip down to nothing. “Face down, baby~ I'm gonna fuck you stupid~”

Geto Suguru:

You were a little buzzed, and your husband was soooo hot. So, of course, you were feeling more than a little needy. You were pulling him down a dark hallway away from the bustling party you were at. He inhaled sharply as you pushed him up against the wall.

“Just what do you think you're doing~?” he questioned in a low, sultry voice, sending shivers down your spine. “Princess?”

“Need you~” you cooed, dipping your hand into his black jeans, smirking as he inhaled. “Need you so bad, Sugu~.”

He groaned deep in his chest, the sound going straight to your pussy. “Princess~ we can't right now~ not right here.” He tilted his head back briefly, watching you blatantly disobey him. Your fingers played with the band of his boxers, causing another hiss to leave his lips. “Princess—”

His tone was much more stern now, leaving you a wet mess. Your husband watched you pull your bottom lip between your teeth, nibbling down with a whine. He hummed, cocking an eyebrow as your hand stilled, thighs clenching together. That was a peculiar reaction. Suguru hadn't even said anything remotely dirty, yet here you were, rubbing your thighs together with flushed skin.

“What was that reaction?” he asked with a smug smirk. “Huh, did you like me growling? Being stern?” His hand shot down, grabbing your wrist and pulling it out of his boxers. “Is my pretty princess wet over the sound of my voice?”

“W-What—no! I am not!” you denied, despite your sticky arousal coating your lips and panties.

“Oh, is that so?” Suguru moved, slamming you against the opposite wall. “Then you wouldn't mind me checking, would you~?” he purred, leaning next to your ear.

You tried to keep your composure, tried to maintain the little dignity you had. But Suguru groaned in your ear, a deep guttural sound that had you melting like chocolate. A shaky sigh left your lips as he slid his hand up your skirt, fingers brushing over your unsurprisingly soaked panties.

“Ooh~ so not only are you a horny little slut. Getting off to the groans and breathless words leaving her husband's lips.” he pressed his index and middle finger over your clit, rubbing it slowly. “But you're also a liar~”

“N-No, I-I ahh~ ah fuck—” Geto smirked, “I-I am not.”

“Oh, but you are.” Fingers are hooked under your panties, pulling them to the side. “I asked you point blank if you were wet.” A single finger slid into your soaking cunt, “you said no~” his finger hooked around your g-spot, rubbing it fast; your arousal was wet squelching sounds. “And listen, you can hear~” Suguru purred, hot breath moving strands of your hair. “Just how fucking wet you are.”

“F-Fuck—“ your voice cracked, fingers fisting into his dress shirt. Suguru admired the helpless whines you were attempting and failing to hold back. “Oooh fuck~ oh fuck, fuck.” Now, Suguru wasn’t a sadist, but you were trying so hard to keep quiet, and he wanted to hear you break.

He was doing what any good husband would do. Slamming his fist against the wall next to your head, he increased his speed. “Mmmm~ nnngh fuck~” he groaned right into your ear, making you shiver in turn. “Ah~ fuck so wet~ so fucking wet and tight~ my princess is going to cum~ during a work party. Nasty little girl~” You threw your head forward, burying it in his chest.

“S-Suguru—I’m go-gonna cum.”

“No, you aren’t. You’re going to squirt.”

“S-Sugu!” Your walls clamped around him as he put more pressure on that spot you loved.

“Are you gonna scream for everyone to hear?.” With a curt nod, your mouth opened to do so. This won you a glare from your husband. “Oh, no, the fuck you aren’t!” His snarl, the way he possessively smothered your screams with his mouth in a dominating kiss.

You came hard, body convulsing as you squirted. Suguru was swallowing your moans as he helped you ride out your orgasm. It isn’t until you’re literally leaning all of your weight against your sturdy husband that he pulls his drenched fingers out of you. A devilish smile is plastered against his face as he sticks his fingers in his mouth, licking them clean.

“S-Sugu, fuck—“ Is all you can manage to breathe out, fisting his shirt.

“Done lying~?” His tone is condescending as he helps steady you, grabbing your arm and looping it in his. “You most definitely got off to the sound of my voice.”

“Yep.”

Your husband stops and stares down at you. The faintest hit of a smirk pulls at the corner of his mouth. “Ooh oh, so now that you’ve cum you’re able to answer?” Rubbing your face against his arm, you let out a happy whine of confirmation. “Oh, I hope you’re not too tired.” His voice is suddenly against your ear as he leans down. “Because I can use my mouth in a merit of ways other than talking my slutty wife.”

You left the party without telling anyone where you were going. But when you came back in on Monday, the bite marks were all they needed to see. You and Suguru had your very own after-party, one that was one million times better than the stuck-up work party had been.

Nanami Kento:

“Jujutsu Sorcerers are shit!” You stood to the far side, watching your boyfriend talk amongst Gojo and Itadori.

The young man was stunned, speechless, jaw-dropping eyes wide as a little “Huh?” Sounded from him.

“Then I worked for a typical company, and one thing I learned.” You focused on your boyfriend, who crossed his arms over his chest. His broad muscles strained against the tight-fitted tailored suit he was wearing. But it wasn’t the suit that was causing heat to pull between your legs. “Is that working is shit!”

Nanami was so damn hot when he raised his voice so suddenly like that. You listened to him ranting about how he picked the lesser of two evils while you were debating on how to smuggle him away. You had to give him a smooch, gnaw on his chiseled cheek, rip all the fabric off of his body. If it weren’t for Gojo and Sukuna’s vessel being right there with Nanami, you would have begged for him to take you right there on the fucking floor.

Just as your dirty fantasy started to reel in your mind like a film being broadcasted on a projection screen, Nanami caught your attention with his words. “—please don’t believe that I’m not of the same mindset as Gojo. I do trust and have faith in him.” You felt sick at his praises for the man constantly getting under his skin and teasing you for dating Nanami.

“Ughhh-“ Your eyes narrowed as Gojo smirked, pleased with Nanami’s words. “Gag me with a spoon.”

“But I do not respect him!” Nanami roared, stern voice making you squirm as Gojo gasped in shock.

“Never mind, gag me with your cock.”

The second that Gojo left with Itadori, you went in for the kill. You snuck up behind your boyfriend, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him down to your height. He peered at you through his glasses, his eyes focused on yours as you ran your hand down, unbuttoning his suit jacket.

“What do you think you’re doing?” That same stern tone that had your legs shaking like Jell-O was thick As you trailed your delicate finger over his blue button-down shirt. “We’re on school grounds still.”

“Do I look like I give a fuck?”

Part of Nanami was curious to see what exactly you had in mind. Well, the other half of him, the half that liked rules and regulations as he had just told Itadori, had his hands gently grabbing your wrist, stopping you from moving forward. He might as well have thrown a bucket of ice water on you.

“Kento.” You fought against him, trying to unbutton the shirt that was constricting over his chest. “Let me touch you!”

“No, anyone could walk on us at any given moment, love.” You stomped your foot down, trying to free yourself from his grasp. “My god, what has gotten into you? Did you suddenly get hit with a curse when I wasn’t looking? One that makes it impossible for you to control yourself?”

There it was.

That stern, deep tone of his voice, the one that was laced with frustration and pent-up rage. The same tone that had you willing to do anything and everything for this man. If he asked you to suck his cock you would. If he asked you to marry him right at this moment, fuck yeah you would. He could even go as far as to ask you to have his babies, and you would still say yes as long as he continues talking to you in that tone of voice.

Denial would only get you so far in life. Sometimes, honesty was the best policy. He wanted to know what he got into you. You’d tell him to be upfront and honest. Perhaps in doing so, he would give you a reward. Reward him inside of you.

“I love hearing your voice.”

Nanami slowly reached up, removing his glasses. “You like hearing the sound of my voice?” Now that he was distracted, you slowly ran your hands back up, running them over his toned chest to where his abs were hidden under the fabric of his ironed shirt.

“I love it, especially when you get all angry~”

“Mmm, is that so?”

“Yeah~ what are your thoughts? Going to do with this information.”

Fucking you against one of the pillars is precisely what he did with the information. You tried to call out, but his hand clamped over your mouth. Only allowing his heavy breathing to fill the chamber you both occupied.

“You're nothing but a dirty slut.” He snarled, his hand clamping harder over you. “Getting off on my yelling? In front of one of my co-workers?” you nodded, eyes rolling back as Nanami slammed his cock against your g-spot. “So shameless, so dirty.” He held the same tone he had when speaking the Gojo and Itatori, and that just got you off even more.

“M-mmmphm!” you cried out softly.

“You better not get any of your arousal in my suite. Do you understand love? I don't want to leave here with wet pants.”

That was a lot for him to ask, especially when he was slamming over and over against your g-spot. He knew you would squirt all over him if he did this. But part of you was eager to see what he would do if you blatantly disobeyed him.

“Mm! Mmhn!” you cried out, doing your absolute best to rock against him, to stimulate your g-spot even more. “Nnngh!”

“What's this?” Nanami purred, pulling back just a bit to watch your feeble attempt atfucking yourself harder against his cock. “Trying to cum? I recognize how you’re rolling your hips.” he pressed his forehead against yours, eyes gleaming behind the green spectacles on his face. “Trying to hit that sweet spot? The same spot that makes you squirt.”

“Mhmm!” You proudly confirm his suspicions.

“Ah, I see.” he shrugged, “Fine, do what you want. Just be aware that there will be consequences if you disobey me.” He growled deep in his chest with a sinister smirk.

“M-mm?” You furrowed, not liking the tone of his voice now.

Nanami watched as you began, shaking your head, deciding that this might not be the best course of action. But your boyfriend decided that you had sealed your fate already. All he did was smile at you, a very sadistic, knowing smile.

“Ooh, please, by all means.” he slammed forward, gritting his teeth, “Let me help you~!”

The head of his cock slammed straight into your g-spot over and over. You couldn't help but scream as the pleasure was like lightning shooting through every nerve of your body; muscles spasmed as your toes curled; even when you withered and jerked, Nanami didn't once remove his hand.

“Work is shit,” Nanami’s hot breath fanned over your ear, “Jujutsu sorcerers are shit.” his voice was so deep, so full of rage, that you found yourself longing for him to direct at you. Because damn beautiful voice, how do you sing star. “But you, god fuck, you are the embodiment of everything good in this world. You make it possible for me to continue putting up with all the shit we go through.” with a whimper, your eyes focus on his hidden behind the green lenses of his glasses. “You make life special.”

With his words and his words alone, he made you cum untouched. Nanami did not need to play with your clit, or move his hips in a certain way. Just hearing him speak to you the way he was had broken you. Your scream was muffled by his hand, your head tilted back as your eyes rolled into your skull, and unfortunately, you squirted all over his pants.

You barely had a chance to recover before Nanami was gently placing you on the ground. You leaned against the pillar for support as you owed your boyfriend’s gaze to look at the crotch of his pants. There was a specific look in his eyes, one that didn’t say he was disgusted or found the intensity of your orgasm to be distasteful. No, you knew the dark, hungry look in those brown honey eyes hidden behind the lenses. Nanami wasn't turned off; he was just getting started.

“Hmm, it seems you were incapable of following a simple command. Tsk,” he stuffed his wet cock back into his boxers before zipping up his pants. “I tried to warn you not to do what you did. Instead, you made quite a mess of yourself and me. I hope you’re ready to face the consequences when we return home.”

Your mind was willing, and so was your body. But you knew that once Nanami was done with you, you wouldn’t be able to walk. Honestly, it didn’t seem like much punishment but more like a reward. Or you would gladly get on your knees to receive.

Choso Kamo:

Out of all of the partners you had had in the past, none of them had been as quiet as Choso was. Your sweet, innocent boyfriend was constantly covering his mouth with both hands, holding back his moans. You had initially thought it was adorable, watching him biting down on his lip, covering his mouth, just holding back those sounds. What you had thought was cute had been driving you crazy.

You wanted to hear the sounds he made. You wanted to know how good you were making him feel. Did he feel good, or was he putting up with you for your sake? These thoughts often plagued your mind until the pressure was too much.

“I want you to moan!” You broke out, causing your poor boyfriend to drop the gallon of orange juice he held.

“W-What?”

“I said I want you to moan!”

“Right now? Like when we're not doing stuff?”

You scrubbed your hands down your face, shaking your head. “No! I mean, when we're doing stuff, Cho.” A faint flush dusted his pale cheeks. “I just—” you sighed, “sometimes I feel like I'm not doing a good job or that you're merely entertaining me. If you’re not enjoying yourself, I would feel terrible.” Your cheeks burned with embarrassment over your request. “I’m sorry, I just—”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Choso rushed to your side, his arms wrapping around you. “You make me feel good. Really good.”

A surge of relief rushed through you. “O-Oh, okay. Then why are you so quiet?” Chosi stiffened, his whole face turning a deep shade of red as he looked away. “Cho?”

“I-I—-oud”

“Huh?”

“I-I’m too—” he mumbled again.

You sighed gently, grabbing his face. “Choso baby, I can't understand you when you mumble like that.” with a deep breath, Choso nuzzled his face into your palm.

“I’m too loud.”

His confession had you blinking in stunned confusion. Too loud? How did he know that? You were the first person he had ever been with.

“Who told you that?”

Choso looked as though he wanted to crawl under the couch. “Y-Yuuji, he said I was super loud. S-So I assumed that not everyone liked hearing people moan, so I try to stay quiet.” Everything made perfect sense now. You sighed happily, tilting your head back.

“Baby, there's nothing wrong with moaning when it's just us. But when you're alone, and Yuuji’s around, it's best to stay quiet during your uh—private time.”

There was a certain glint in his eyes, one that made your heart and pussy flutter. “Really?” You nodded slowly, dropping to your knees.

“Yep, now make some pretty sounds for me.”

Five minutes and a few reminders for Choso not to cover his mouth was all your sweet boyfriend needed to get into the mood. One hand held the crown of your head while the other gripped the counter in the kitchen. His eyes were focused on you while you stared up at him, trying to focus on him but fuck it was famn near impossible with how good he sounded.

“A-Ah! F-fuck!” he gritted his teeth, eyebrows furrowed as he whimpered. “Oooh fuck, fuck, fuckin’ so good!”

“M-mm.” Moaning around his cock you slid a hand into your shorts, gently rubbing your soaking pussy.

“Oh my god, oh my god~!” Choso cried out, his blush spreading down his neck to the tips of his ears. “Fuck! Y-Your mouth is s-so good!”

His voice cracked, it tucking cracked. Hearing that had you bobbing your head faster while you gagged down on his cock. Choso sounded so good, better than any porn or audiobook you'd ever listen to. You were going to have to beg for him to send you an audio of him jerking off because this was so fuckng hot!

“N-nngh! P-please,” he begged prettily, sending a chill down your spine. “Ooooh fuck please, can you go deeper?” the tentative tone had you fulfilling his request without a second thought. Relaxing your throat, you took him as deep as you could, only stopping as you gagged just a bit before repeating the action. “Ooooh~! Oh~ haaah!”

Your hand in your shorts moved faster as you continued deep-throating Choso without a second thought. Hearing his whines had you so wet you could feel the sweetness seeping into your pajamas. God, you wanted to destroy him, milk him dry, so that’s exactly what you would do.

“W-Waaa! Fuck! H-Honey, wait—” Choso's face scrunched in horny panic. “P-Please wait! Please, I-I’m g-gonna cum in y-your mouth!” What a sweet boy, trying to warn you when he didn't realize that's exactly what you wanted. Pulling your slick fingers out of your shorts, you used your wet fingers to caress and massage his balls gently. “Mnnngh!!” his hips bucked forward, both hands gripping the sides of your head as he began thrusting. “I’m sorry! I'm sorry! Too good!” your eyes watered, tears spilling out and running down your flushed cheeks. “I’m c-cumming! Oooh fuck~ ooooh fuuuuuck! Fuck! Fuck!!”

Thick hot cum fills your mouth and slides down your throat. You put in the best effort, trying to swallow it, but there was a lot. You yanked yourself back, gasping for air as cum, spit, and tears fell to the kitchen floor. You gasped, shifting as Choso cried out, stroking himself, milking the last of cum out against your lips. Leaving you a white messy scene.

“Oooh fuuuck~” Choso stumbled back with a grunt, leaning against the counter. “Ooooh my god, oooh god.”

“Choso.” Pushing yourself off the floor, you grabbed his hand. “Bedroom now.”

“O-Oh, okay.” he followed you without complaint.

“Ooh and Choso.”

“Ye—” he choked on his words as you sat on the bed, spreading your legs and revealing a large wet spot on your maroon shorts.

“Moan that loud in my ear~”

Forever Tag List:

@darkstarlight82 @pandoness @nealeart

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I left a bad review on a book I haven’t purchased?

(📚📖 to find later)

I’m an audiobook narrator professionally. I do most of my work via independent contracting with a production company. NOTE: they are NOT a publishing house. They do not provide editors/betas/etc for the text, they focus on turning (usually self published) books into audiobooks and marketing those audiobooks.

Most of the books I record with them are great, and I have a lot of fun reading good books! But…some of the books I’ve read for them have been. REALLY. REALLY. bad. Like I personally would have stopped reading within the first few pages bad if it wasn’t literally my job to read the words out loud.

I’m currently reading a book for them that makes me want to tear my hair out. The writing is boring, badly paced, and repetitive. None of the characters are likeable, and the relationships are shallow, the combat is boring, there are no stakes, etc etc. To give you an idea, the main character is the type of kid who on the playground would insist he had a mega super invincibility shield so you couldn’t touch him, but he also had a mega super invincibility shield breaking sword if you decided you wanted a shield too. And the narrative REWARDS HIM for acting that way.

I’ve never left a review on any of the books I’ve narrated before, but this one…i am seriously considering writing a review to try and warn people away from this book.

A few things to consider, though:

1: i am not being paid royalty share from the book, i get a flat rate based on the number of hours in the final audiobook. But as far as I know, the author only starts making money from producing this audiobook once the production company makes back the money they paid me for making it.

2: i would review anonymously/under a fake name and only on the book product page, not the product page for the audiobook version.

3: if an audiobook does not sell, then it is most likely I will not be obligated to continue recording the rest of the series (and it IS a series. At least three books are out as of now. I am currently slated to record them all, provided the audiobook sells decently)

4: the book currently has ~250 reviews already, and a 4.7/5 rating (how???? get some fucking standards), so it’s not like I’m leaving a 1 star review on something that only has 6 reviews.

I don’t think that one bad review would tank the whole series, but I do feel like leaving bad reviews on a product I didn’t even buy might be a dick move, especially if the author’s pay for this book relies on it selling well. But on the other hand, his book sucks and people should know that.

I wouldn’t be leaving a “0 stars: this sucks” review, I’d want to make it comprehensive and detailed. But I’d also feel bad about that because I’m sure the author reads his reviews, and even though his book sucks shit, i don’t want to like…make someone lose their passion to write? But ALSO if you’re making people pay $16 for the book and/or $40 for the audiobook, maybe the book should be fucking good? Idk.

So, tumblr, WIBTA?

[ophiespeaks]

i am, once again, crawling back to gravity falls. i’ve stayed out of the loop so i could explore thisisnotawebsitedotcom by myself, and here are some of my authentic discoveries: (I don’t know if any of these are even new, knowing the fandom you probably figured all of these out the day it dropped tbh)

-“SOOS” gives a document of how he and his gf are doing running the mystery shack, including a goat train that runs through the forest (i love them)

-“TADSTRANGE” gives an erotic bread montage, because why not

-“PINATA” gives an irl video narrated by bill of a little girl beating the shit out of a bill cipher pinata

-“EVENHISLIESARELIES” i was spoonfed this one but bill is astronomically down bad for ford and it’s literally canon??? “because winning made him feel special. and good god, did he want to feel special” bill cipher your gay is showing.

-“WADDLES” leads to a pig adoption website

-“SEASONTHREE” says season 2, “SEASONTWO” says season 1, and “SEASONONE” says season -1: anti-gravity falls.

-“PACIFICA” tells us that the northwests still keep tapestries of bill, perhaps they could/would have something to do with his return??? pacifica and a “friend” destroyed everything with bill’s triangle symbol on it though, she’s a real one.

-“PLATINUMPAZ” is a code you’re given discreetly upon entering the aforementioned “PACIFICA.” This document is written like fan fiction, but obviously it’s canon, and details pacifica’s experience following northwest mansion mystery. It’s a longer document but essentially pacifica SIKES bill cipher like the girlboss she is when he tries to make a dream deal with her.

-“PINES” just says “a good family tree” lmao

-“SIXER” case file on Ford’s hand, written by (?) someone in the us government, apparently even as far back as when the Stans were 18, the government was working on cloning, so there’s that. Also, Ford is a finger donor!

-“BLINDEYE” gives one of those eye doctor letter tests, VERY blurry. if there’s a code here my blind ass hasn’t been able to decipher it. EDIT: it’s not blurry when you first try it!!! if you click on it it becomes blurry and i no longer know what the letters are.

-“MATPAT” and “GAMETHEORY” matthew patrick i am in your walls. it’s a video of beloved internet dad, Matpat from the Theory channels, saying we’re on our own for this one. Mathew if you don’t make a retirement special when this is all over, spoon-feeding me the answers i will do something illegal. Also, one of the notes on his board seems to read “abigail northwest,” but it’s not a code you can enter, so i’m not sure what it means.

-“GRAVITYFALLS” says ‘never heard of it’, alex hirsch when i catch you alex hirsch

-“MABEL” adds stickers and stars to the screen, eventually saying ‘lab now fully mabelized’ they stay there forever even if you relog the website.

-“DIPPER” tells pine tree to stare at the page for thirteen hours. spamming it changes the note, telling dipper he’s getting closer, but eventually the whole thing blacks out.

-“STANFORD” and “FORD” brings up the same page as “SIXER”, they are one and the same after all.

-“MCGUCKET” and “FIDDLEFORD” link to Cotton Eyed Joe by Rednex

-“STANLEY” and “STAN” links to ebay listings of brass knuckles

-“BILL” links to a sesame street video from 1969, jazzy triangle meets a square square. BillFord canon??? meanwhile, “CIPHER” and “BILLCIPHER”leads to the wikipedia page for the Eye of Providence, or the eye that watches the work of mankind.

-“GIDEON” leads to a google search of sweat-resistant bolo ties

-“LOVE” opens a book called ‘the love triangle”, tapping on it starts an audiobook of the first page of this book, detailing the narrator falling in love with bill cipher in a romantic period-piece. 10/10, but too short. give me the whole book.

-“GOD” links to a video of an Axolotl swimming in front of a submerged bill cipher statue. upon entering “GOD” again, the video does not play, some of the other videos behave in the same way such as “MATPAT.”

-“BLENDIN” responds with ‘time agent lost and presumed incompetent’

-“WEIRD” plays a video of Weird Al Yankovic yelling about how he’s trapped inside of the computer, and he calls for bill to help him. imagine my shock and horror coming across this the vanilla way, by just trying codes until something happens.

-“WEIRDMAGEDDON” is a newspaper clipping that shows nothing happened yesterday, soos got his head stuck in a honey pot and promptly said ‘and i’d do it again.”

-“TOBYDETERMINED” leads to a google search of ‘restraining order’

-“ROBBIE” pulls up AIM messages between him and thomson, detailing their experience ghost hunting for bill because robbie thinks bill will have to grant them three wishes. included is a great drawing in camcorder style of them running away from an eldritch-looking bill. included, but seemingly not sent, are messages in the text box, and it seems we’re reading from thompson’s perspective. it vaguely alludes that bill may be operating inside of thompson??? erm what the sigma?

-“SKIBIDI” “RIZZ” “FORTNITE” and “GYATT” revokes ur life privileges, but “SIGMA” does nothing.

-“QUESTION” responds with ‘answer’ and vice versa.

-“SCIENTOLOGY” responds with ‘suppressive person detected,” don’t ask why i tried scientology, i was going through science-themed inputs and it came to me like a vision.

-“ALEX” and “ALEXHIRSCH” link to a google search of ‘flannel.’ alex hirsch is lumberjack???

-“JOURNAL 3” responds with ‘the journal for me.’

-“JOURNAL 2” responds with ‘the journal for you’

-“JOURNAL 1” responds with “the journal of fun”

-“SEX” “FUCK” “SHIT” and other curses gives a pop-up that says “not S&P approved, wash your mouth out with soap.”

-“WHOAREYOU” responds with ‘i could ask you the same question’

-“REALITY” responds with ‘is an illusion’

-“FBI” and “CIA” responds with ‘your webcam is on. we are watching.’

-“HOLOGRAM” responds with ‘universe’ and vice versa.

-“SCARY” gives a R.L Stine goosebumps knockoff called The Book Of Bill, with the tagline ‘can you survive the tri-strangler?’ and it seems like it should be an audiobook like the “LOVE” entry, but i can’t hear any audio.

-“THEBOOKOFBILL” responds with ‘hide it under shirt during pledge of allegiance’ ???WHAT???

-“MASON” brings up a note about anagrams, assuredly written in-part by Dipper. idk if mason is even canon i always just assumed it was tbh.

-“LIFE” responds with ‘life:72% complete. now loading death.’

-“DEATH” responds with ‘life’s goth cousin’

-“DADDY” “BABY” and “MOMMY” (listen i was trying anything that came to mind) responds with a pop-up of a baby-bill cipher in an ultrasound, and a message that says ‘congrats! guess what’s growing inside you right now? see you in nine months, papa!’ NEW SEASON IN NINE MONTHS CONFIRMED???? (/j) also— mpreg is gravity falls canon???

———

if i was alex hirsch, these are inputs i would add because i was SHOCKED they WEREN’T there:

-“4 8 15 16 23 42” inputting that into an old-style computer should yield some kind of easter egg. LOST was too big of a cultural phenomena for it to not be a secret code here.

-“CANDY” and “GRENDA.” alex you thought of skibidi but not MABELS ONLY TWO FRIENDS???

-“TWINS” seriously this is like the main thing that keeps repeating, even just linking to a wiki page would be rewarding.

-typing in cryptids should link to pages for them, at least. imagine my shock when i typed in “BIGFOOT” to no avail.

-“SEEYOUNEXTSUMMER” should’ve been an easy one tbh

-“PINETREE” “SHOOTINGSTAR” etc. could just link to the same thing as entering their respective names, like “DIPPER” and “MABEL” respectively.

-“HINT” should do something, even if it just tells you no.

-“?” having no results is bonkers

-“SANSUNDERTALE” would be really funny i think

-“THETRUTH” should respond with ‘is out there’

[libraryspectre]

Ugh ok fine I'll talk about my murderbot casting opinions

Awhile back I noticed people getting irritated with Kevin R. Free as the audiobook narrator because he's a man with a Man Voice and it really rankled me. People of any gender can have any voice, and anyway, Kevin R. Free's voice IS fairly androgynous.

This is more or less how I feel about a man being cast as Murderbot. It would have been nice to have a nonbinary actor play Murderbot, because nonbinary actors need more roles, but Murderbot is not nonbinary. Murderbot is nonhuman and human labels are N/A. Gender is N/A. You could argue that is splitting hairs from a representation standpoint, but I think it's core to the theme of the series. (Also, it's great that nonbinary people relate to and claim murderbot as representation, we just need to acknowledge it doesn't experience being genderless in the same way a human does). Because of this, I don't think the studio was ethically obligated to cast a nonbinary person.

I think, from a worldbuiling standpoint, I would have liked someone with a fairly androgynous voice and facial features. This is because we know murderbot is sexless, with no secondary sex characteristics. As far as murderbot's flesh parts, the only relevant features I can think of are voice and lack of facial hair.

So, I'm actually pretty fine with a man being cast as murderbot? I think to follow the logic of secunit biology he should stay clean-shaven for the roll, and maybe avoid the deeper registers of his voice (I haven't heard him speak so I don't actually know what he sounds like.) His features are pretty traditionally masculine but that doesn't really matter, and he has big ol eyes that could help them play into the androgynony if they chose to.

My bigger initial problem was with Murderbot being played by a white actor. I think a lot of the readers' image of Murderbot has been shaped by the Tommy Arnold illustrations where it's dark-skinned. It doesn't actually say anywhere in the books, from what I remember, what Murderbot's skin-tone is like, but we do know it's made from a slurry of donor DNA and the Corporate Rim has people with a wide range of features (I avoided alluding to racial diversity here because we have no idea what concept of race the CR or any of the other settings actually have. Edit: to clarify, the characters are definitely racially diverse from our viewpoint. I just felt the need to caveat because the concept of race is very cultural and we don't actually know what cultural concepts of race the setting has, if any at all. This is my anthropology degree showing lol). It makes little sense for Murderbot to be white if its DNA is built from a pool of people with, most likely, a wide variety of physical features. At least.....I think it is? I realized after thinking about this for awhile that I don't actually know if Murderbot's DNA came from one human donor or a variety of people. So this whole argument could be moot. (If you could direct me to evidence for or against this I'd be grateful).

So, Murderbot being white might be technically fine, from a worldbuilding standpoint, but at that point I think it's just kind of disappointing to see another show with a really diverse supporting cast and a white lead. That being said, there's actually interesting commentary to that, considering Murderbot was created to be a cop. I actually think, if handled well, the image of a bunch of white secunits policing the enslaved masses could be some really effective commentary. And to some extent, it doesn't matter if Murderbot's DNA came from one person or a pool of people, if you take the stance that the Company is intentionally choosing white features for their SecUnits. The commentary stands.

My other concern was that they would whitewash other cast members, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Finally, the series having Martha Wells' stamp of approval encourages me that they've made these choices with intention and will handle them thoughtfully. I saw another fan point out that there is some power to the idea of seeing an actor on screen that most people would read as male, asserting again and again that it doesn't have gender, and now that I'm feeling more optomistic I agree.

And hey, I'm actually feeling optomistic!

[just-french-me-up]

Harmonies

Dream of the Endless / Hob Gadling | Human AU | Writer Dream - Voice Actor Hob | Explicit | 2.2k Porn with some Plot | Masturbation | Literal voice porn | Dream doesn't quite know what to do with himself honestly

@hardly-an-escape recently had this FABULOUS idea of acclaimed writer Morpheus who secretly publishes popular romance novels under a pen name, who shamefully gets off while listening to voice actor Hob Gadling acting out an explicit scene from one of his romance stories. I would say my hand slipped but this was 100% planned and thought through.

Morpheus refreshed his inbox. Early afternoon, Lucienne had told him. He gave a quick glance at the clock. 5:42PM. Early afternoon was fading into late afternoon one second at a time, with nothing to show for it.

Morpheus refreshed his inbox. Again.

This is stupid, he thought, frustration seeping in. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Surely, they had not finished editing or formatting the whole thing yet, he shouldn't have gotten his hopes up. Perhaps they had forgotten. Morpheus didn't usually request to be sent the beta recordings. He was more than happy to let them do their job unencumbered, trusting Lucienne to green light everything once it was done. Truth be told, he was barely involved in the whole audiobook side of things, except for, well, writing the damn thing in the first place and having his pen name slapped on the cover. Lucienne had arched an eyebrow at him when he'd asked for the latest recordings out of the blue, but had not been overly curious. A good thing, really. Morpheus carefully avoided any occasion that required him to lie through his teeth. This, no doubt, would have been one of them.

His phone buzzed, startling him.

[6PM 09/05/2023 – The Kindly Ones – Edit Zoom Meeting]

Morpheus turned off the reminder. Too many fires at once. That was his problem, his sister had told him once. Stretching yourself thin until you're see-through, she had said. She was not wrong, of course, although Morpheus would not admit it to her face. She would be far too smug about it.

He refreshed his inbox.

Inbox (1)

Morpheus froze and stared at the screen. There it was. Finally. His pulse racing, he reached for his headphones, struggling to plug it in in his haste. The file was slow to download, the recordings accounting for more than half of the book. Morpheus' fingers tapped impatiently against his desk as he watched the bar crawl to the finish line.

5:51PM.

Surely he could allow himself a quick browse through the file. The meeting with his editor―his other editor―wouldn't start for five more minutes, if not more, should they run a little late on their side. Morpheus found himself wishing they would. Unprofessional, a little voice admonished him.

He opened the file. It had been divided into sections, each corresponding to a chapter. Skip. Skip. Skip. He knew what he was looking for. The book had come out a year ago or so. He still remembered the outline well enough. For a while, he heard nothing but the initial breath of the voice actor, one for each chapter, before he would skip ahead. When he finally let the recording play, the voice engulfed him in its warmth.

Although Morpheus had been the one initially weaving the words and sentences together, they found another dimension and depth in that voice. He was rediscovering his work on someone else's tongue, and the effect left him... intrigued. A few voice actors had given life to the words on the page over the years but this one... This one breathed a soul into the story like none had ever managed to before.

When Morpheus had learnt Robert Gadling would narrate another one of his books, he could not resist.

The beta recordings were rough, lacking the polish of the final product, leaving intakes of breath in and other little imperfections editors would cut out. Morpheus could hear every huff, every chuckle when Gadling would stumble over a word and correct himself, going back to the beginning of the sentence. He could picture the smile on his lips then, the playfully apologetic look at the tech team. He had looked up pictures of him online, once. His face matched his voice: warm, inviting, with a hint of mischief. Suave, even. Morpheus had then closed the tab, embarrassed at his own thoughts.

The scene he had skipped to was professionally relevant, or, at least, he tried to convince himself it was. He had always understood sex scenes to be a tricky thing, for actors. At least, when it came to traditional acting, it was a shared awkwardness, a simulacrum of pleasure played by multiple people who could find solace in the fact that they were all on the same vulnerable boat, camera crew included. Now, voice actors... Acting choices could either make or break a sex scene. It required a subtle mix of smoothness and confidence few could manage. The last thing he wanted was for his words to sound clumsy and awkward, when the goal was quite the opposite. It was Morpheus' authorial prerogative to check every aspect of the audiobook fit his vision, after all.

As the chapter began and Robert Gadling's voice filled his ears, Morpheus imagined him in his recording booth, alone. Some audiobooks had multiple actors playing different characters, but this one only had him credited. There were slight fluctuations of tones, accents and speech patterns, as he switched characters. Morpheus listened intently.

"Gabriel gave a fleeting look downward. Nathan's shirt was soaked, revealing hints of the skin underneath. He tried not to stare, but only managed to do so through conscious and continuous effort. 'You should change your shirt before you catch something,' he told Nathan, his tone as casual as he could manage. 'You could borrow one of mine.' "

The acting was good. There was tension in the words, in the tone. The characters sounded like different people, even though they were played by the same man. Morpheus continued. In the book, things heated up quickly after a long, tentative courtship. He braced himself for the following scene, replaying the words in his head from memory.

" 'It smells like you.' Gabriel stared at him, stunned, unable to look away as Nathan stood in front of him, his own t-shirt and boxers for only garments. 'What?' he managed, his throat dry. 'It smells like you,' Nathan repeated, lifting the fabric to his nose with a smile. 'I like it.' Gabriel's gaze trailed down Nathan's body, only now noticing the growing outline of his cock aga―"

Morpheus paused. He had written those words. He knew those words, from having read and reread them a few dozen times during the writing and editing process. Yet he had never heard them. Especially not in that voice. Even the narration was sensual, almost cheeky, dripping with lust like honey. Clumsy and awkward it was not. It was.... something else entirely. Shaking off the feeling, Morpheus hit the 'play' button again.

" ―inst the taut fabric of his boxers. 'I like it,' Nathan repeated, slowly reaching for his cock through the thin fabric, his fingertips brushing the shape of it, well aware of Gabriel's undivided attention."

The rest of the scene followed, word for word Morpheus' work, yet somehow completely new to his ears. He sat there, enraptured, his eyes staring into nothingness while the rich, luscious voice surrounded him, filled him until it became his only focus.

A lewd, enthusiastic hum rose from the headphones, making Morpheus jump. Every word he had been anticipating thus far, but artistic license? It fitted with the narrative well. Too well. Not Gadling's first brush with erotica, he immediately guessed. He played it again for good measure. The sound was deeply erotic, with just enough warmth and breath. Real. It sounded real. It was followed by a breathy sigh Morpheus could almost feel at the back of his neck. God.

He played it again. He could feel the sound, the anticipation, the desire, the pleasure. Gadling conveyed it with such ease it felt genuinely intimate. Arousing, even. Morpheus ran his hand against the front of his own trousers, feeling the very real erection pushing against the hard fabric. This was ridiculous. Yet he could not stop. The scene kept playing, Robert Gadling's voice purring in his ears, words like caresses and gentle tugs, and he could not help but cup his cock through his jeans, seeking friction. He imagined him in the recording booth, leaning over the microphone, his features fitting the suggestive sounds, his lips wet from running his tongue over them. If he could just get a little further in the scene―

His Zoom alarm went off. Instantly, Morpheus removed his hand and his headphones, his back stiff as a board, a cold wave of panic rushing through him. Fuck! He gave himself a quick look through the camera of his phone. He was blushing slightly, to his utmost annoyance. Nothing he could not blame on bad webcam settings, he thought. The rest could be concealed easily enough. Especially when he was only visible from the waist up.

It was with a slight flush and a distracting, frustratingly hard erection that Morpheus answered his Zoom call, his mind scattered between book royalties, publishing dates, and Robert Gadling's voice still deeply embedded in his skull.

--

It was hours before Morpheus found a minute of free time. Night had fallen, the evening spent in front of a screen or on the phone, discussing the imminent release of his upcoming novel, one whose cover would feature his actual name, this time. Book releases were always exhausting affairs, between planning podcast appearances, book signings, press tours, and the likes. Morpheus disliked the fanfare of it all, the exposure, but could hardly complain. There were worse flip sides of the coin, out there.

At least writing under a pen name saved him the hassle, with the other half of his published work.

Lying on his bed, fresh out of the shower, Morpheus sighed, staring at the ceiling. He felt both exhausted and wide awake, his coffee-fueled brain refusing to quiet down. There were a few things the editor needed his input on in person, tomorrow, something to do with the cover art. He'd promised himself to write, too. Perhaps clean the flat a little. Too many fires at once, his sister's voice echoed in his mind.

His phone buzzed again. Incoming email from Lucienne.

Listened to it yet? Thoughts?

Plenty. Enough to know it was good. Enough to keep the reader listening. Enough for him to want to go back for more.

Going through his emails, Morpheus found the link to the beta recordings, and downloaded it onto his phone. He reached for old earbuds in his bedside table drawer. Where were we?

" 'Come here.' "

The latent desire in that voice was enough to get Morpheus right back where he had been, a few hours ago. Lying on his bed, he kept listening, swallowing hard at any well-placed sigh, any improvised grunt and whimpering sound. Was it even improvised? Did he plan on adding those? Did Gadling discuss it with the adaptation team beforehand? Marked the exact spots where he would do it in the printed script?

" 'You're so beautiful like this, love. Look at you.' "

God.

" 'I have thought about you like this. Hard under me. For me.' "

Hesitantly, Morpheus reached under the waistband of his pyjamas, finding himself hard already. He blushed at his own embarrassment, alone in his bedroom, his hand wrapped around his cock, his own words spilling in his ears. Vain, perhaps. Awfully self-absorbed. But deep down, he knew it was not that. Not really.

" 'Do you want me, Gabriel?' Can you feel I much I want you?' "

He hated himself for including so much narration in this passage, keeping him from the lascivious heat of Gadling's voice, waiting for the dialogue to return like a starving man begs for food. How could he do that? A wanton moan reverberated in his ears, quickly echoed by one of his own, harmonies of pleasure filling his head and his room.

" 'Fuck, you feel so good!' "

Why did his editor even let him publish that? Morpheus' mind was bridging the gaps between dialogue bits, ignoring the narration in favour of more pleasurable mental stimulation. He pictured Robert Gadling in his recording booth, focused over the microphone, his lips pressed into a sinful hum, his eyes closed. Gadling next to him, his mouth pressed against his ear, spewing new words, ones he did not write, ones of his own.

" 'Let me see those eyes.' "

Morpheus whined against his pillow, both from pleasure and frustration. He hated this. This was... mortifying, and yet he could not stop. He arched his back, chasing his pleasure.

" 'Fuck! I've waited for this for so long.' "

Morpheus came in his pyjamas in a muffled grunt, the release helping nothing with the shame spreading through him. It brought him some clarity, at least. Disgruntled, he yanked the earbuds out of his ears, Robert Gadling's voice reduced to a hushed whisper, the siren's song finally muffled. He looked down at himself, suddenly aware of the mess he'd made. Great. Fantastic.

His phone buzzed again. It was Lucienne.

Do you want the edited files once they are done? They would love your feedback before they start trimming it down.

Morpheus sighed, struggling against the brightness of the screen.

Yes, tell them I would like them.

[manysketchbook]

Firffels: the Wuzzles Competitor That Disappeared

Recently, I found this toy at my local thrift store. I thought it was an oddly cute nativity toy, but upon closer inspection the tush tag read "FIRFFELS. I'm glad to be a SHAMEL." I did a quick search online and the first result was this page on Ghost of the Doll, a toy collector's site that archives information about 80s/90s toys and includes a forum where anyone can seek help with identifying toys. This lead me down a rabbit hole of figuring out just what Firffels were: a failed line of toys promised to be the next hot phenomenon, with minimal documentation online and a handful of toys floating around in thrift stores.

Other than Ghost of the Doll, I found info about Firffels in this 2010 blog post by Trish Babbles (written in an edgy, mean-to-be-funny style that I think is too uncharitable, but it was a different time to be online lol) and this blog post by AF Blog. My other info comes from Othello Bach's website dedicated to the book itself (her personal site is no longer functional) and from a handful of youtube videos I found of a Firffels commercial. Many thanks to these sources, without them there'd be like, nothing online about these creatures.

Firffels are based on the children's book Who ever Heard of a Fird? by Othello Bach, first edition published in 1984 by Caedmon Childrens Books (upon Googling, it appears that Caedmon is owned by HarperCollins now and focuses on audiobooks). The story follows Fird, a fish-bird hybrid, as he travels the world to find other firds. Along the way he encounters a goofy, lovable cast of other hybrid animals who have all never heard of a fird. The story ends with fird learning to love his uniqueness and find peace with being who he is. As is apparent in the Amazon link above (not sponsored, just showing my work), a used copy is $86 dollars right now. An audiobook narrated by Joel Grey (an actor that I'm unfamiliar with who is apparently known for his role in Cabaret) was also released on cassette, listed on Ebay for $75+. Luckily, there is a youtube video of someone doing a complete read through of the book, but the camera angle is poor. This is the only visual record I could find online of the interior illustrations by Michelle Dorman, other than a brief look at a few in a low quality VHS promo rip I'll get to in a minute, and the image below from an Ebay listing. There may be a few more photos in some Etsy listings that I missed.

In Trish's blog post they complain that Shamel is an ugly monstrosity and there were a few comments on Ghost of the Doll's forum of the same nature about Shamel, but I think Shamel is the cutest one! It just looks like a new breed of camel, meanwhile Fird in the background here is...he's so cartoonishly goofy. Idk how else to describe him. He's so fuckin' goofy. He'd make squeaky Spongebob-esque sound effects when he walks, I imagine.

The book was allegedly a hit and Remco bought the merchandising rights. They went all in, as is detailed in the 5 minute promotional video below. Based on a cast of 6 characters, plush toys and posable action figures hit the market with a promise that Hanna Barbera would develop an animated tv show starring Firffels, housewares would be made, there'd be a clothing line, and Design-a-Firffel contests would be held. A few housewares seem to have been made and plush toy sewing patterns were released, but I was unable to find evidence that anything else moved forward.

Absolutely fucking insane fact: according to this video, Caedmon Publishing was owned by Raytheon at the time. Thanks Raytheon for these cuddly children's toys and also, uh, horrific weapons of war?

After I bought Shamel, I went back to the store to see if there were more. There were! I found Bertle and Elephonkey, who still had the original tags. I swear the day earlier I had seen a frog toy with butterfly wings but it wasn't there anymore. I remember passing over it and thinking "eh, butterfly wings on a frog aren't cute," and did not bothering even looking at the tags. My mistake. Turns out that toy was worth a decent amount of money and was part of this whole story.

Bertle's pink belly super bright in real life, like neon. There is a sunbleached spot on it's front.

Elephonkey is the only one with original tags. I also included an image of the tush tag. For each toy the tush tag is the same but displays the character's name.

Hybrid animals are not a unique concept. Wuzzles, a line of plush toys that were animal hybrids with wings and likely made to compete with Care Bears, are brought up in most posts and forums where Firffels are mentioned--usually to disparage Firffels as being knock off, less successful Wuzzles. Wuzzles weren't exactly successful either, though they definitely lasted longer and had more reach, likely due to the backing of a Disney/Hasbro budget. AF Blog in 2015 makes a good point that I agree with: it's unlikely that Wuzzles and Firffels were ripping each other off due to production timelines. Toy lines can be in development for years before any information is made public. It takes a long time to design toys, then get them to a manufacturer, then go through the revisions process. Not to mention the time it takes to ship things out, negotiate contracts at every step of the way, etc. And, as AF Blog notes, Whoever Heard of a Fird? was released in 1984, a year before the first Wuzzles tv episode aired, and Firffels hit the market a year later.

People draw hybrid animals all the time. For example, furry adoptable artists draw hybrids all the time (take a shot every time you find a closed species that is a feline with a fish tail or deer feet or some other animal's defining trait), the Lego movie had Unikitty, and I literally went to Walmart today and in the toy section there was a miniature rabbit-like rainbow animal with wings and a unicorn horn there. The thing that makes these toys potentially appealing, in my opinion, is that they choose safe and popular traits: sparkly horns and feathery wings, for the most part. Things that are easily marketable.

The thing with Firffels is that they combined animals with traits that are less immediately appealing. Image below from Ghost of the Doll.

Some of them are cute but the others miss the mark. Personally I like Shamel and Bertle (the plush version only tbh).

Worth pointing out is that the character illustrations do not match the toy designs. If you go back and watch the commercials included in the 5 minute promo video, you can see that the Bertle plush and action figure are brown and green rather than pink and blue, and that Shamel's hair is brown instead of purple. I saw varied photos of the Butterfrog plush: some were lighter green while others were darker. Could be an issue with differing cameras, but I don't know for certain. And then there's Elephonkey, who is the most inconsistent of the bunch:

The first image is the prototype toy as it appears in the commercial. It is grey and flesh colored, with odd looking plastic hair. The second image is from Ghost of the Doll, of how the Elephonkey action figure actually appeared in stores. Third is a photo of my Elephonkey plush. Compare it with the official character art...well, he's not my favorite design in any incarnation.

I think the toys in the commercials were prototypes that were changed to brighter colors so as to appeal more towards girls. In the 30 second plush commercial there are 4 girl actors and 1 boy actor, with the camera shots getting closer to and focusing more on the girls' faces, so it would make sense. In contrast, the action figure commercial features 1 girl and 2 boys, and most of the camera shots are of the kids' hands playing with the toys, giving off a more boyish, gender-neutral vibe. Classics of gendered marketing, am I right? lol. But I think the change was a good one. I wouldn't have picked up Shamel if I hadn't seen the purple hair, and I definitely would not like Bertle if he wasn't pink. It gives the toys more of a cohesive style, a unique identity, and they fit in more alongside the Wuzzles/Care Bears visuals with the vibrant, happy colors. There's more of a toy-like quality to them, which increases the cuddle-ability and inspires more of an urge to play.

Discovering and logging all this inconsistency has been pretty fun. But it makes me think that these toys were probably doomed by a chaotic, unorganized development process behind the scenes. And given that the book was published in '84 and toys hit the market in '85...the signs seem to point to production being rushed.

To be fair to Firffels, it was probably a little harder in the 80s to hit it big with kids. You had to be lucky, you had to have connections with the right distributors, you had to anticipate what is universally appealing to children--one of the most unpredictable audiences out there--and you had to pay to air your commercials during prime child viewing hours. These are all things that are still true, but we have the internet now and the advertising power of the internet is scary. Going viral on TikTok has the potential to skibidi someone's toilet career. iPad babies are growing up into grade school kids who throw birthday parties every year and get toys as gifts. We are living in an era where mass-producing cheap little polyester plushies and plastic figures is easier than ever and corporations have massive budgets to pump into kids' eyeballs through every advertising avenue they possibly can. They don't even need to come up with the designs anymore, they can just partner with whatever Roblox game is popular right now and capitalize on that. Maybe Othello Bach should get on Roblox.

Actually, it appears that Bach was given the short end of the stick by the time Firffels were pulled. Though her personal website is no longer up, her other website dedicated entirely to Whoever Heard of a Fird? has some info:

At the height of Fird's success, with over 100 licensees cramming the store shelves with children’s merchandise and an animation contract with Hanna-Barbera, the book and all the merchandise suddenly vanished from the shelves.  Although she lost the rights to several other published children’s books at the same time, Othello has never received a reasonable explanation for what happened.

So this passage actually clears something up for me. This whole time something that hasn't really lined up is that I had assumed that Othello Bach published the book first and then was approached for merchandising rights after the book sold well. I actually think now it's possible that from the get-go the book was written with the intention for it to become a worldwide sensation. Not so much Bach's intent, though. I have some professional familiarity with licensing and other such creative publishing contracts, particularly with books. Based on what I know, I believe it's more likely that Bach pitched her manuscript to Caedmon Publishing and Caedmon, seeking to create popular IP, was like, "this has potential and we are going to sign you on not only for the book, but for more." That might be why the character designs are so strange: they were trying too hard to get famous quick and had instructed the illustrator (it is regular practice for publishers to pair authors with an illustrator and given how much was on the line for this IP, Bach might not've had much input here) to design characters that could also become toys. It's unlikely that Michelle Dorman, a kids book illustrator, had product design skills needed to make standout, awesome toy designs. Not a knock on her, illustrators just have niches within their field that they're best at it. It's why you see so many illustrators complain about how often they get approached to design logos--that's not what we do, thank you.

What's sad is that clearly Bach had signed a bad contract that gave away most of her rights as the writer to the publisher. She openly says so above. My guess is that Caedmon told her they needed more rights than usual to be able to conduct so much merchandising (like signing contracts with Remco, much easier to do when you don't have a third party also involved), and because they were pouring so much effort into it on their end. Bach is just the writer, so while the original idea is hers, Caedmon would have matched her with an illustrator and taken charge of all the licensing and merchandising. For a publisher this is a huge commitment financially and personnel-wise, so it makes sense why they would have put forth a contract that gave them so many rights. If Firffels had become as popular as they'd hoped, they don't want to not own the IP. They would have poured all those resources into it and not be able to reap all the rewards because that pesky author would own it. It's almost like contracts like these are predatory and only serve the interests of the publisher. Almost like publishers are companies existing in a capitalistic system and therefore only serve profit, not people. Almost like companies will never truly have artist's best interests at heart, and if you are ever to sign a contract with a big publisher you need to have a good lawyer by your side.

It makes me so sad to read that they didn't even give her a reasonable explanation as to why everything was cancelled. She does not even appear to have any of the merchandise on hand, as all the photos on her website are from Ghost of the Doll. In hindsight we can guess, obviously, why the cancellation happened but I'm in the moment it was probably upsetting. It's still upsetting, given that she has included this in her website for the...revamped book!

However, like Fird, Othello refused to give up. For the next 20 years, she tried to regain the rights to her work. Entertainment attorneys assured her it would never happen.  They said, "It can't be done!" But... it could be done and Othello did it, regaining the rights back to all her work.

Yeah, so, I actually think this is the saddest part about the whole thing. She managed to get some of the rights back and republished the book with...new art...that looks so fucking BAD. Image from her website:

Sorry to this illustrator, but got damn. There is no sauce to this art whatsoever. It is unseasoned, not even salt and pepper. This looks like ass and would never fucking fly with any editor worth their chops. It took me ages to figure out that the long yellow curved line is Fird's tail. Like, this is so unbelievably sad to me. I don't even really like the original art a whole lot, but compared to this...

My informed guess as to what happened is that Bach lawyered up and fought. As we know, Caedmon is now owned by HarperCollins. I can't say for certain but there was probably some case to be made that Caedmon being sold breached the contract, or nullified parts of it, or perhaps the contract expired. It could even just be that HarperCollins didn't care about an old, unprofitable IP and granted Bach her rights back. There is also Remco to consider: they also hold some of the rights, but probably just for the merchandise? Given how prominently their logo is displayed on the toy tags, they might actually own a significant share. Perhaps they were happy not to have anything to do with the book so long as the merch rights weren't touched. I don't know! There's no info about it on the site and this stuff is usually under NDA.

So Bach got her rights back, but she's just the writer. She doesn't own any of the art, so in order to republish the book she had to hire a new illustrator. She likely did not have a huge budget for it, maybe even paying for it out of her pocket because the Choice Books logo she has in several spots on the Fird website appears to be for a distribute on demand service, in place of a traditional publisher.

As the writer, she also would not have gotten the rights to use the original audiobook, so she had one re-recorded. It also appears like she does not have the rights to the name "Firffels" either, as the only places it appears on the site are in photographs of merchandise and in titles specifically referring to the work that is still owned by Caedmon. She carefully refers to her own work as "Fird" for short or the book's full title, probably because she cannot legally imply that she owns or made anything else.

I dug into this thinking it would be a quick look at some strange, forgotten toys from a bygone era. Instead I found a story about how an artist can so easily be shafted by publishers. Everything always loops back around to workers' rights, it seems. Stories like this about shitty publishing contracts (see: Webtoon if you want to get into something current) still appear so often, man. It's depressing, and indicative that the publishing industry needs some reforming ASAP. Like, Illustrators, when are we getting a proper union?

But I'm glad Bach got her rights back and got her book republished within her lifetime. I'm sad she didn't have the budgets for a better illustrator. Sorry to bring that up again, I work as an illustrator irl and I have opinions about craft, lol. Also I just think that given how hard Bach had to fight, she deserved to have better art made. That being said, here's another link to her current website. There's not much there but what is there is a monument to a battle she fought and won, and is proud of.

The lack of detailed, clear, centralized documentation of these toys frustrates me. One of the most frustrating things about the internet for me is that there are few easily accessible, publicly available archives of toys--even for modern toys. I've had to use Amazon reviews and Ebay listings and broken online stores to decipher publication years. With this in mind I decided to do a write up and provide clearer pictures of the toys that I have (I'll take hi res pics in natural lighting too someday). Archives are important to me and the internet kinda sucks for it, I say as someone who started this blog for that purpose. If Tumblr goes down, so does everything I've posted here. As an artist who works primarily digitally, one of the scariest things is knowing that I'm laboring over an ephemeral body of work. It's just not going to exist for very long unless I print it out on archival materials. Data is not the same as a physical object. My Firffels have survived for 39 years but the digital art I draw every day is unlikely to last past 10 years because websites die and files get deleted.

I bought the Firffels from my thrift store thinking I'd resell them. I'm low income so I sell many of the things I thrift. I prefer to buy the older toys or the ones that need cleaning because it makes me feel better about being a reseller (I don't want to take away options from low income kids in my area, ya know?). But I'm putting in the labor to freshen them up and I'm putting in the effort to make unavailable toys available again, at least for one person. And I don't have a whole lot of shelf space to display the toys in my collection...but for now I think I'll keep them.

[edwardallenpoe]

Hullo dearest! Please tell us about your thoughts on the several cowardly versions of Sherlock Holmes?? 💛

:v

Well then. I suppose I have been forced to, woe is me.

Anyways. The ONLY acceptable adaption I will not be shitting on is Granada. I love u Jeremy Brett 😘 as for everyone else, they are COWARDS!!!!

First reason why they're cowards, being the obvious reason:

Johnlock

(pt: Johnlock)

Not letting Sherlock and John get together. COWARDS. So many adaptions and only, like, one that I know of let them be together??? (That being this amazing short film I watch ten times a day) And it would be different if they let their relationship just be and let them be platonic while still letting them have that familiar depth like in Sherlock & co., but NO, shows like Sherlock BBC and The Irregulars tease and queerbait to hell and back, and even make the one of them queer and in LOVE with the other (like in The Irregulars, John is in love with Sherlock but as far as I know, doesn't tell him because he's unstable or smt idfk) but they don't get together for one convoluted reason or another. It's frustrating as hell because it's not like there was no substance between the two in ACD/Original canon, it's not like the TJLC invented it bc of Sherlock BBC or the RDJ Adaption, no, their relationship was so deep and so real and so beautiful in ACD canon and if there is gonna be an adaption where their relationship stays the same, that's fine, perfect even, but NO, they add extra bullshit that make you think there might be something and then give unreasonable reasons why they can't be together, making you feel like YOUR the weird one for seeing something that wasn't there apparently.

Reason number two why I find most of these adaptions cowards:

Irene Adler

(pt: Irene Adler)

For some reason, every single adaption (except for my love, Granada<3) they fuck her up. Like. ACD Irene Adler vs BBC, RDJ, Enola, ect. Irene Adler are not the same Irene Adler. Who is she????? Because the Irene Adler I heard in The Scandal In Bohemia, was an upper class woman who had an affair with the king of [Forgor lol] and kept the photo of them together as collateral when he ditched her and tried to get married to a princess.

The Irene in these adaptions??? She's a trickster, a Dominatrix, an Assassin, the Lover of Moriarty, and INSANELY IN LOVE WITH SHERLOCK HOLMES. what the FUCK

Like. Please please please someone correct me if I'm wrong, but is there another Irene Adler in the ACD canon??? Who is all these things?? Because when I watched Granada, when I read the story, and now listening to the audiobook (which, off-topic, found a playlist of free audiobooks of all the short stories on YouTube with a fantastic narrator here) The Woman described in these stories, yes can be secretive and sneaky, but was NEVER fucking like RDJ or BBC's level of Irene Adler. It kinda feels like they just picked whatever character they wanted to make a Pandora out of (which is doubly weird that BBC made Mary Morstan like that when they had Irene but I barely acknowledged post season two canon outside of @gaylilsherlock 's fantastic fics, plus they almost completely left ACD canon after Reichenbach which I don't really mind, but post-reichenbach is a whole other post) instead of making their own character. So I find them cowardly for a) not making Irene at least semi-accurate to the canon besides a tiny photo (even tho canon photo was a FUCKING CANVAS- okay I'll stop) and b) not making up a new fleshed out character of her own to be a secret spy.

And uhhhh I can't think of anything else rn. Yeah:D I would complain about Sherlock & Co. But because it's not finished yet and I like how they're treating Sherlock and John's relationship and also them as their own individual characters I don't have too much to complain about, and I would complain about Irregulars but I could not get past the first five episodes. I just couldn't get into it. It kinda felt like they made a whole story that just so happened to have Sherlock Holmes characters in it. Idk tho.

Tldr: Johnlock and Irene Adler deserved better.

(pt: tldr: Johnlock and Irene Adler deserved better.)

[positive-omens]

I'm back on my All For the Game shit and I gotta say;

even having read the series before, even when I find myself constantly critiquing the writing, even with the audiobook narrator's stilted delivery of impossible dialogue, I cannot pull myself away.

I think a huge part of my enjoyment is my imagined voyeur to Neil. His life, his scars, his insane response to any situation are all so ridiculously badass but from Neil's perspective he is barely hanging on at all times. I love the contrast between the two and how the story is also so interested in it, with the team constantly showing the reader how they see him even as while it bumps right off Neil's thick head.

I think it speaks to a feeling that was overwhelming in my teen years; the need to dramatize my hidden suffering. I was depressed and trapped in a school system and I was suffering. Although the themes of this series are as dark as they come, the extremes they are pushed to are almost wish fulfilment, in that they give teen angst a narrative that 1. Deepens the stakes in a way that forces you to take it seriously and 2. transforms the sufferer into someone strong and dangerous.

Even as an adult i find the books compelling, but as a teen, the world is apathetic to the depths of your frustration, your despair, your powerful angst. There is a strange allure to imagining an "if they only knew..." narrative even when there's nothing to know. I get so much satisfaction from Neil's identity and situation slowly being revealed to the team because of their recognition of how much he has been through and how strong he has been to endure it in silence.

tldr

Scratches that teen angst itch so good I'm still feeling it in my 20s

[wombywoo]

Basics :

5. (been wondering about this 👀)

Movements :

10. idle stance?

11. how do they move in public?

12. what are their common gestures or physical tics?

15. are they coordinated?

16. how flexible are they?

(is this too much? I apologize 😞)

thank youuu <3 don't worry, it's not too much 😘

5. what is their voice like?

Quinn's voice is suuuuper raspy. In fact, it's quite weak most of the time and he often sounds like he struggles to catch his breath (product of throat injury 💀) It can get pretty dry and harsh, while not overly deep, and sometimes he loses it altogether if he's sick or has been speaking at length. His regional accent comes through a lot, even when he'd prefer it didn't. Lots of elongated vowels, dropping H's. In certain professional settings, he tries to speak with more of a received pronunciation, but he thinks it makes him sound like a posh twat (derogatory). He's got a quiet voice, and it's rare that he ever raises it to a shout.

Vincent has a smooth, deep voice, strong and well-spoken. It's very pleasant to hear him speak, and people have often remarked he should narrate audiobooks, lol. He's retained some of his old-fashioned upbringing with certain pronunciation and vocabulary. There's an essence of London while not straying into Cockney territory. Due to growing up with his mother, he does have a small hint of a Jamaican accent at times; a slight lyrical lilt that he accentuates only when he's feeling comfortable and happy. By Quinn's standards though, he still sounds like a posh twat (affectionate) <3

10 has already been answered~

11. how do they move in public?

I've mentioned that Quinn keeps himself guarded most of the time. In public, he tends to stay on the outskirts, never one to draw attention to himself. If he's walking through a crowd, he'll try to appear smaller, quickly making his way while trying to avoid contact with anyone.

Vincent carries himself quite proudly, and while in a public setting will try to remain casual and respectful. He's not a bit fan of crowds, but he's got a knack for reading the responses of others, so he's very good at knowing when to accommodate someone, step to the side, offer a smile, etc.

12. what are their common gestures or physical tics?

Quinn tends to furrow his brow a lot, even if he's not actively angry. He bites his lip when he's thinking, as well as scratching at his jaw and hair. When he's talking and trying to remember something, he'll do that snappy finger gesture with his hands. If he needs to address someone, he'll often tilt his head to signify he wants to talk. For tics, he fiddles with his ears or fingers. When feeling anxious, he'll unconsciously start clawing his nails into his thighs (I do this).

Vincent is pretty expressive with his gestures, moving his hands and arms around while he's speaking to emphasize a point. He moves around the room a lot too, especially if he's arguing. There are some subtle expressions in his face that he can't hide, a raise of his brows or roll of his eyes. If he's nervous, he might start clenching his jaw, making his cheekbones even sharper. If bored, he tends to roll the tip of his tongue back and forth over one of his fangs.

15. are they coordinated?

Quinn--not so much. In a casual setting, he's a bit of a clutz and is prone to banging his hip/leg/arm onto objects in his vicinity. When on active duty, he's definitely more focused on being coordinated, but can still fumble on occasion and "forget" to practice safety measures.

Vincent's quite coordinated, no complaints there. His vampire abilities ensure he's fairly stacked in all physical areas, so he can perform complex maneuvers with ease.

16. how flexible are they?

They're both preeeetty flexible 😏

Quinn's got a decent amount of agility and bendy-ness, lol. Vincent also possesses unnatural amounts of flexibility, so yeah...they appreciate that aspect 🤭

[phanfictioncatalogue]

3k-5k Words Fics (6) Masterlist

part one, part two, part three, part four, part five

A Nun and A Priest: You Get Me Closer to God (ao3) - Spring_Haze

Summary: When Dan dresses up as a sexy nun for Halloween in America, he finds himself longing for a sexy priest.

and the days after that (ao3) - cityofphanchester

Summary: He can hear Dan’s voice coming down the hall, laughing with someone from the crew, and it makes his breath stop in his chest.

(doomed tour usa, autumn 2022)

cat bells (ao3) - N_Chu4Ever

Summary: The catboy photoshoot, except it all goes weirdly wrong because Phil accidentally bought Dan a magic cat costume off the internet. Oops.

🌸 cherry blossom 🌸 (ao3) - natigail

Summary: It had been a silly dream at first. The idea to have a cherry blossom tree in their garden they didn't even have yet. It hadn't felt like it was something that would really happen.

But it was real. Dan was watching their tree, Phil's arms around him, and hoping they would get to see its first bloom soon.

Chips (ao3) - philsmeatylegss

Summary: Dan struggling with the concept that all healthy couples should fight.

Comfort in Chaos (ao3) - Anonymous

Summary: Phil wakes to Dan having a nightmare that he struggles to rouse him from. It later transpires that there is a reason behind his unsettled and panicked behaviour.

DreamCasts Presents (ao3) - SummerFlingsAndThings (QueenJunoTheGreat)

Summary: Phil's son is obsessed with the faceless man who narrates audiobooks.

Dan's daughter is obsessed with the brightly dressed librarian in charge of the children's department.

And Dan and Phil? Well, they're a little obsessed with one another.

easy for you to say (ao3) - phantasticworks (steddieworks)

Summary: Phil tries to convince Dan to throw away the grey shirt. Dan can’t do it.

Golden Boy (ao3) - hygge

Summary: Phil takes a drawing class in university and needs a subject for his drawing final.

growing up or just going down (ao3) - SylvesterLester

Summary: Phil is 15 years old today. He's going to have the best birthday of his life, to kick off the best year of his life.

Right?

hard launch at last (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: “Maybe the exact right moment won’t ever present itself.” Dan can feel himself hurtling towards some cosmic revelation as they stand here on a sandy beach in Portugal, the ocean bringing out the blue in Phil’s eyes.

home renovations (ao3) - possumdnp

Summary: Phil is a new homeowner with a knack for getting himself into awkward situations around cute guys. Dan is a builder who's always working on renovations around Phil's house. What could go wrong?

(An alternate meeting YouTuber Phil/builder Dan AU.)

I know you, hands under my sweatshirt (ao3) - midorijpg

Summary: “How are you?”

It's with an undertone of fear that he dares ask that, as always, even if he knows that he’s lucky if Dan even decides to answer. And as he imagines, Dan just tilts his head, looking at him as if lost in thought, swinging the bottle with his hand before just resting it on the floor.

“Make room,” he just says.

“What?”

“I said, make room.”

or, something something about having bad days and growing up and realizing you don't (completely) fit in couches anymore.

in this smoking chaos (ao3) - writingcollective

Summary: Dan bottoms for the first time, not being able to shut down his inner demons that whisper internalised homophobic thoughts into his ear. But Phil guides him through it, somehow.

Like a cicada rhythm. (ao3) - emmibug

Summary: every night they share the same bed, legs twisted together, arms holding each other close. dan and phil haven’t grown up from their childlike sense of friendship which leads people to believe there’s something deeper going on.

a dan and phil childhood best friends to lovers AU where they share the same bed and always have done.

Magi (ao3) - yikesola

Summary: Dan doesn’t know how he hadn't thought about a gift for Phil yet. Phil is still feeling a little weird about how much he spent on Dan’s gift.

A fic about coincidence and sacrifice.

Neighbourly Nook (ao3) - wednesday_ukiru

Summary: The stranger had a dimple on his cheek that appeared when he laughed.

“I’m Dan,” he said, extending his hand. Phil reached for it with extreme eagerness, their knuckles knocking together in a particularly painful way, and they both winced, but Dan immediately broke into a smile. “I don’t know why I offered you a handshake, I never know how to do them.”

Revolving Door (ao3) - intoapuddle

Summary: Phil really doesn’t want to think about what Dan said. He really would like to leave, and take this strangled feeling elsewhere. But he can’t stop listening to Dan’s song.

so american (ao3) - ae121

Summary: Phil has been living in London for a year and thinks he's gotten pretty used to the city. He works part-time at a bookstore, using it at first to gain some friends, now it's just fun for him. His friends are constantly trying to find him someone to date, but all of his dates don't go well.

Well, that's until he met Dan.

Sunshine on the street at the parade (ao3) - ForeverJustAnEmoKidAtHeart

Summary: Dan and Phil meet at a Pride Parade.

so good (ao3) - grievingwarwidow

Summary: dan gets a piercing

since i wrote you last (ao3) - dizzy

Summary: Dan and his letters to Santa over the years.

The Knight of Wands (ao3) - Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)

Summary: Phil had always had dreams that he couldn't quite comprehend and a certain intuition about what was truly important for his future.

They fade to nothing when I look at him (ao3) - phasamtasie

Summary: Arriving in the kitchen Phil made himself his one cup of coffee he allowed himself on weekend days and stared out the window lost in thought, so it took him a few seconds to register why the light had seemed so much brighter than usual at 8am. With childish delight he saw that it had snowed overnight, and not just the usual UK dusting where one could still see the grass underneath but a proper snow, coating everything outside in a bright white.

OR

Dan and Phil go sledging.

trouble between you and i (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: Phil can't stand the silence for another moment. "I don't want to break up," he says.

Weight on my Shoulders (ao3) - ByTheFire

Summary: When Phil starts getting some unexpected gifts from his dad he starts to worry if he knows something he is not ready to share. Thankfully Dan is there to make it all a bit less scary. All Phil can hope is his dad doesn't want to change who he truly is.

when i walk in the kitchen, my heart hits the floor (ao3) - aura_sky

Summary: a phivorce fic

based on the Renee Rapp song (In the Kitchen)

or

Dan walks into the kitchen and he misses Phil.

[terapsina]

Okay, it's been a while so here's an additional list of fantasy and sci-fi books with little to no romance in them that I've read recently and really loved.

---

First post with books not heavy on the romantic subplots HERE.

---

Once There Was ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ by Kiyash Monsef.

An Iranian American girl discovers that her recently dead father was a veterinary for magical animals and that she - like him - has inherited the ability to help these animals because of a family line reaching back for hundreds of generations.

The story deals with grief, rage, neglect and how it all intersects.

But it's also an incredibly magical story that wakes up all the wonder and love for animals that most children have and some never lose.

Interspersed through the book are also short fables and legends that Marjan's father used to tell her when she was young and are now gaining new meaning as she understands that they were more than stories.

(totally also recommend the audiobook version for those who enjoy good narration. Nikki Massoud does a freaking excellent job)

(Marjan does develop subtly budding feelings for someone in the story but it's kept very, very background. On a scale from 0 to 10 the romance reaches barely a 2).

---

Vespertine ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ by Margaret Rogerson.

A story about a girl named Artemisia who is training to become a Gray Sister. A nun who cleanses the bodies of the dead so that their souls would not return as ravenous spirits that would then threaten the lives of the living.

But then her convent gets attacked by possessed soldiers and she's forced to pick up a sword holding the spirit of a very powerful revenant - a malevolent spirit of mass destruction that could possess her and kill everyone around her indiscriminately - despite not having the training of a Vespertine. So the only one who can teach her what she needs to know is the Revenant itself.

(The main character is autistic, antisocial and extremely introverted. And as for the romance, there is someone who develops feelings for her and we as the reader kinda notice it, but Artemisia the character notices nothing (also, the someone in question is not the Revenant, just thought I should clarify that). Amounts of romance in the book, like 1/10)

---

A House With Good Bones ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ by T. Kingfisher.

A Southern Gothic light horror with a bit of humor thrown in.

Sam Montgomery is worried about her mother so when her Paleoentomology dig falls through after she's already sublet her apartment for the next few months, she temporarily moves back in with her mother.

The mother who seems to be very stressed out while saying she's fine, and also seems to have acquired a sudden personality transplant. More specifically, she seems to have changed the house from the bright and colorful place it's been for decades, into the cookie cutter, bland (and slightly racist) fifties commercial kinda place it once was under the iron thumb of Sam's dead grandmother.

Is this some kind of weird delayed grief? Early onset alzheimers?

And why isn't there a single bug or insect in the entirety of the back yard's rose garden? Or why does she wake up to thousand's of ladybugs crawling all over each other - and Sam - one night in her childhood bedroom? And what's up with all these vultures staring at their house 24/7?

(Sam's POV is hilarious, her relationship with her mother one of the most genuinely emotional aspects of the book, and the story creepy enough to be exciting without reaching the point that would have made me throw the book down a hole for my own peace of mind. The romance... eh, there's a very nice dude Sam wouldn't mind going out with but it's not all that relevant to anything so amounts of romance don't reach past 2 out of 10).

---

And finally some special shout outs to some other recently read books that I also enjoyed and that don't really have a lot of focus on the romance but that I don't feel like getting into rn.

Thornhedge ⭐⭐⭐⭐ by T. Kingfisher, Emily Wilde's Encyclopedia of Faeries ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ by Heather Fawcett (okay this one's a bit heavier on the amount of romance but it gets points for not being annoying and still doesn't reach past 4 out of 10 in its amount, would recommend this book for people who enjoyed The Memoirs of Lady Trent), Translation Slate ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐by Ann Leckie, The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter ⭐⭐⭐⭐ by Theodora Goss (the daughters of classical book scientists like Frankenstein, Dr. Jekill and Mr. Hyde, Moreau and others come together to solve some White Chapel murders and maybe uncover a society that has been doing human experiments on women. 0.5 out of 10 on amounts of romance).

[jtownraindancer]

The Burn Collection

Hello friends! I've been hunting down Burn Gorman's works (film, screen, and radio) over the past few months, and since sharing is caring~

Audiobooks

Arkham County- From within the walls of Arkham’s asylum, reclusive writer Randolph Carter tells the story of orphan Violet Flintock, who arrives in Arkham County in search of her own history only to be instantly greeted by the bloody realities of this small town, whose foundations are built from the lore and mythology of HP Lovecraft. Horror; mature themes. 2020. Ensemble cast. Wilbur. [complete]

Torchwood: Everyone Says Hello- Across Cardiff, ordinary people are behaving in odd ways: saying hello to complete strangers, and going out of their way to greet one another. Torchwood discovers that an alien communications field is gathering strength in the area. The team must find the device responsible and shut it off - before civil unrest engulfs the whole city. 2008. Narrator. Owen Harper. [complete]

Torchwood: Slow Decay- A friend of Gwen's has recently done an impressive bit of slimming, thanks to a new Cardiff weight-loss clinic with an incredibly simple system, and now Rhys wants to give it a try. Elsewhere in the city, an ordinary woman with superhuman strength and a extraordinary hunger is attacking people and eating her victims. 2007. Narrator. Owen Harper. [complete]

Films

Agatha Christie's Marple: Ordeal By Innocence- Old wounds are reopened for the Argyle family when a man suddenly turns up after being abroad and claims that the black sheep of the family could not have murdered its tyrannical matriarch. 2007. Ensemble cast. Antagonist. Jacko Argyle. [complete]

Cemetery Junction- In early 1970s England, three friends spend their days in banter, drinking, fighting and chasing girls. Freddie wants to escape their working class world but cheeky chappy Bruce and kind-hearted slacker Snork are happy with life the way it is. When Freddie gets a job as a door-to-door insurance salesman and bumps into his old school sweetheart Julie, the gang are forced to make choices that will change their lives forever. 2010. Ensemble cast. PC Renwick. [complete]

Color Me Kubrick- The true story of a man who posed as director Stanley Kubrick during the production of Kubrick's last film, Eyes Wide Shut (1999), despite knowing very little about his work and looking nothing like him. 2005. Period typical -isms. Ensemble cast. Willie. [complete]

Crimson Peak- An aspiring young author travels to a remote Gothic mansion in Cumberland, England with her new husband and his sister. There, she must decipher the mystery behind the ghostly visions that haunt her new home. 2015. Ensemble cast. Mr. Holly. [complete]

Dalziel and Pascoe: A Death in The Family- When a transit depot is robbed of £600,000 in used banknotes, the thieves left one thing behind: a dead security guard. The victim is revealed to be the inside man and telephone records lead to Steve Pitt, found dead in his restaurant. 2006. Ensemble cast. Jerry Hart. [complete]

Enola Holmes- Enola is the youngest sibling in the famous Holmes family. She is extremely intelligent, observant, and insightful, defying the social norms for women of the time. Her mother Eudoria has taught her everything she needs to know to be strong-willed and independent. But on her sixteenth birthday, Enola wakes to find that her mother has disappeared. 2020. Ensemble cast. Linthorn. [complete]

Fred Claus- Santa's bitter older brother, Fred, is forced to move to the North Pole to help Santa and the elves prepare for their big night in exchange for cash. But what started out as an easy way to make money soon turns into a desperate attempt to save Christmas. 2007. Cameo. Elf. [complete]

Guernica- "Listen, George. Here's your damn war story. Twenty-six April, 1937. Gernika. Don't give a damn if you use my name or you have someone else sign it. But it's the story I want printed. Ready? A very small town in the north of Spain is about to become very famous, but for all the wrong reasons." 2016. Ensemble cast. Soviet Consul. [complete]

Imperium- A young FBI agent, eager to prove himself in the field, goes undercover as a white supremacist. 2016. Mature content. Ensemble cast. Morgan. [complete]

In A Valley of Violence- A mysterious stranger and a random act of violence drag a town of misfits and nitwits into the bloody crosshairs of revenge. 2016. Ensemble cast. Priest. [complete]

Jimi: All Is By My Side- In 1966, an unknown guitarist named James Hendrix leaves New York for London, changes his name to Jimi and begins to make his mark in the world of rock music. Ensemble cast. Michael Jeffrey. [complete]

Johnny English Reborn- Johnny English is retired in Tibet and in disgrace in MI7 after a washed-up mission in Mozambique. Summoned unexpectedly by MI7 to stop assassins from killing Chinese Premier Xiang Ping. 2011. Ensemble cast. Agent Slater. [complete]

Layer Cake- A successful cocaine dealer gets two tough assignments from his boss on the eve of his planned early retirement. 2004. Ensemble cast. Gazza. [complete]

Lift- A master thief and his Interpol Agent ex-girlfriend team up to steal $500 million in gold bullion being transported on an A380 passenger flight. 2024. Ensemble cast; antagonist. Cormac. [complete]

Love is Not Enough- DV Indie filmmaker due to shoot promo for unsigned Welsh pop group takes the money and uses it to finish the film he's been working on for 5 years. 2001. Mature content. Period typical -isms. Slurs. Ensemble cast. Al Weisberger. [complete]

Pacific Rim- As a war between humankind and monstrous sea creatures wages on, a former pilot and a trainee are paired up to drive a seemingly obsolete special weapon in a desperate effort to save the world from the apocalypse. 2013. Ensemble cast. Dr. Hermann Gottlieb. [complete]

Pacific Rim Uprising- Jake Pentecost, son of Stacker Pentecost, reunites with Mako Mori to lead a new generation of Jaeger pilots against a new Kaiju threat. But this time, the threat comes from somewhere much closer to home. 2018. Ensemble cast. Dr. Hermann Gottlieb. [complete]

Penelope- Penelope Wilhern was born with the snout of a pig due to a curse that was placed on her family by a vengeful witch. The only way to break the curse is for "one of her own kind" to love her. 2006. Ensemble cast. Larry Bunter. [complete]

Ransomed- A young diplomat is assigned the task of carrying the ransom money to rescue an abducted diplomat in Lebanon, and a local taxi driver accidently gets involved in the mission. 2023. Ensemble cast. Richard Carter. [complete]

Red Lights- Psychologist Margaret Matheson and her assistant study paranormal activity, which leads them to investigate a world-renowned psychic who has resurfaced years after his toughest critic mysteriously passed away. 2012. Ensemble cast. Benedict Cohen. [complete]

Sex, The City and Me- Jess, a high-flying banker, is sidelined in her job by her Machiavellian boss when she returns to work after having a baby. She decides to sue the bank and ends up risking everything, including her marriage. The drama is inspired by in-depth interviews with women who have fought major cases in the City. 2007. Ensemble cast. Lawrence. [complete]

The Curse of Steptoe- Aspiring stage actor Harry H. Corbett jumps at the chance to star in a television comedy show 'Steptoe and Son'. The show's success proves to be a poisoned chalice, thwarting his stage ambitions. Wilfrid Brambell, the actor playing his father, is a gay man in an England where homosexuality is still illegal. Both, in their own way, feel that they have invoked the curse of Steptoe. Ray Galton. [complete]

The Inspector Lynley Mysteries: In Divine Proportion- While investigating the murder of an interior decorator, Inspector Lynley and Sergeant Havers quickly learn there is a connection between the victim's murder, and the death of her sister 15 years earlier. Mature themes; references to rape & suicide. 2005. Ensemble cast. Billy Verger. [complete]

The Oxford Murders- At Oxford University, a professor and a grad student work together to try to stop a potential series of murders seemingly linked by mathematical symbols. 2008. Ensemble cast. Yuri Podorov. [complete]

Undergods- A dystopian anthology set in a post-apocalyptic landscape. The breakout film of director Chino Moya, "Undergods" offers a prophetic warning that we will be the instruments of our own undoing if we refuse to address rising authoritarianism alongside growing inequality and scarcity of resources. 2020. Ensemble cast. Tim. [complete]

Up There- Martin (deceased) is stuck in a dead-end job, welcoming the newly departed into the afterlife. All he dreams of is going 'Up There'. But his plans are thrown into disarray when he has to team up with the relentlessly chirpy Rash, and together they lose a new arrival. 2011. Ensemble cast; protagonist. Martin. [complete]

Walking With The Enemy- A young man, separated from his family in World War II, disguises himself as a Nazi S.S. Officer and uncovers more than just his family whereabouts. 2013. Ensemble cast. Lt. Colonel Otto Skorzeny. [complete]

Watcher- As a serial killer stalks the city, Julia -- a young actress who just moved to town with her boyfriend -- notices a mysterious stranger watching her from across the street. 2022. Ensemble cast; antagonist. Watcher; Weber. [complete]

Guest Appearances

A Lark Rise in Candleford: Season 4, Episode 3- Thomas is euphoric when he lands the job of organising the church bazaar. But his joy soon evaporates when the vicar falls ill, and the controversial and free-thinking curate Reverend Marley takes charge. Thomas is convinced that Marley is evil incarnate, and when he comes across a snake on his postal rounds, he sees it as a sign that the devil is indeed amongst them. 2011. Ensemble cast; guest star. Reverend Benedict Marley. [complete]

Casualty: Not Waving But Drowning- Penny's medical skills are tested to the limit during a diving expedition, and Holly is mystified at the collapse of a promising teenage dancer. 1999. Ensemble cast; guest star. Geoff Simpson. [complete]

Coronation Street- 1998. Ensemble cast; guest star. Ben Andrews. [coming soon!]

Forever- Dr. Henry Morgan is a New York City medical examiner who studies the dead for criminal cases, and to solve the mystery of his own immortality. 2014. Ensemble cast; guest star. Lewis Farber/Adam. (Appears only in episodes 11, 14, 18, 21 & 22, but all episodes are here!) [complete]

Game of Thrones- Nine noble families fight for control over the lands of Westeros, while an ancient enemy returns after being dormant for millennia. 2011. Ensemble cast; guest star. Karl Tanner. (only featuring Burn's four appearances) [complete]

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia: Flowers For Charlie- Charlie being used as a test subject for a new intelligence pill that makes him smarter and more aware of his messed-up life, causing him to quit his janitor job. Meanwhile, Dee, Dennis, and Mac try to do Charlie's work but get sidetracked and high on gasoline; and Frank tries to bring Charlie back to his dimwitted self. 2013. Ensemble cast; guest star. The Scientist/Science Bitch. [complete]

Lucky Man- From the mind of comic book legend Stan Lee comes a bold new action crime series about a brilliant but flawed police officer with the power to control luck. 2016. Ensemble cast; guest appearance. Doug. (Featuring only the three episodes in which he starred.) [complete]

Merseybeat: Coming of Age- Sgt. Gentle decides it's time for a change and decides to go out on the beat with PC Traynor, and the pair investigate a burglary at the home of an antiques dealer. Meanwhile, Ch. Insp. Oulton tries to help out an old friend who has found himself on the wrong side of the law. 2001. Ensemble cast; guest appearance. Sean Finnigan. [complete]

The Man in The High Castle- In a dystopian America dominated by Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, a young woman discovers a mysterious film that may hold the key to toppling the totalitarian regimes. 2015. The Marshal. (Featuring only the two episodes in which he starred.) [complete]

Miniseries

And Then There Were None- Ten strangers are invited to Soldier Island, an isolated rock near the Devon coast in southern England. Cut off from the mainland, with their generous hosts mysteriously absent, they are each accused of a terrible crime. As members of the party start to die one by one, the survivors realize that one of them is a killer and start to turn on each other. Mature themes. 2015. Ensemble cast. Sergeant Detective William "Bill" Blore. [complete]

Bleak House- Jarndyce and Jarndyce is an interminable law case in the Court of Chancery, concerning two or more wills and their beneficiaries. Eventually, after several decades, a verdict is finally reached, but not without a surprising number of twists along the way. 2005. Ensemble cast. William Guppy. (Video formatting issues in a couple episodes- i.e. fuzzy and/or black borders on sides in several sections. Full picture still visible, just with weird borders.) [complete]

Cheat- What starts out as what appears to be an open-and-shut case of academic dishonesty, soon spirals out of everyone’s control, proving there’s far more to the story than just a plagiarised essay. What lies behind the shocking events and tragedies that unfurl? Mature themes. 2019. Ensemble cast. Ben Jarvis. [complete]

Spies of Warsaw- A military attaché at the French embassy is drawn into a world of abduction, betrayal and intrigue in the diplomatic salons and back alleys of Warsaw. 2013. Ensemble cast. Jourdain. [complete {with Portuguese subtitles}]

The Hour- 2011. Ensemble cast. Thomas Kish. [coming soon!]

The Offer- A series based on Oscar-winning producer Albert S. Ruddy's extraordinary, never-revealed experiences of making "The Godfather." 2022. Ensemble cast. Charles Bluhdorn. [complete]

The Runaway- Cathy Connor and Eamonn Docherty are childhood sweethearts who are desperate to escape their East End roots. When Cathy murders her Mum's pimp in self-defense it changes their lives forever. Mature themes. 2011. Ensemble cast. Richard Gates. [complete]

Wuthering Heights- Based on the classic novel by Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights is a story of love, obsession, hate and revenge. The protagonists, Cathy and Heathcliff, form a love that is dark and destructive and affects the lives of everyone around them. 2009. Ensemble cast. Hindley Earnshaw. [complete]

Podcasts & Radio Dramas

Curl Up & D.I.- Gemma and Andy are two feckless coppers patrolling the mean streets of Slatby, a faded North Yorkshire seaside town with an unsolved murder problem. With conventional leads exhausted, local hairstylists, gossipmongers and armchair crime-solvers Yacky and Reuben are enlisted, and their salon unwittingly becomes the beating heart of all ongoing detective operations. Welcome to the murky hinterlands of soft perms and slaughter. Mature content. 2022. Chief Steve "Wendy" Concern. [complete]

Doctor Who: Timelord Victorious: Echoes of Extinction- Trapped, a haunted monster waits to consume new victims. It needs help. It needs a doctor. Unfortunately, it also needs to kill whoever it meets. Thrust into immediate danger, and on the back-foot, it will take all of the Doctor’s ingenuity to triumph. Two interlinked adventures. Two Doctors. One foe. 2021. Ensemble cast. The Network. [complete]

Glad To Be Back- Opera-loving Lezzo is on home leave for the weekend. His prison term is due to end in four weeks' time, and he is looking for a little innocent enjoyment. His friends have other plans in mind however, and his mother has some worrying news. 1999. Ensemble cast. Norman; Various. [complete]

He Died With His Eyes Open- A detective in 1980s London investigates a brutal murder, but has little to go on except for the victim's cassette diaries. 2013. Ensemble cast; narrator. The Detective. [complete]

King Trash- Mike Hodges adapts King Lear in a gritty retelling following KT, an 80-year-old criminal despot who owns a landfill site in the outskirts of London, and his daughter Honey, who is anything but sweet. Mature themes. 2007. Ensemble cast. Clint. [complete]

The Babington Plot- During the reign of Elizabeth I, a group of Catholic gentlemen conceived a plan to assassinate the Queen. The story of the failed conspiracy, told in documentary fashion on its one-year anniversary, is revealed via the different perspectives of several participants in the events. 2008. Ensemble cast. Robert Poley. [complete]

The Battersea Poltergeist- A paranormal cold case, re-investigated through a thrilling blend of drama and documentary. The true story of one of Britain's strangest hauntings. 2021. Ensemble cast. Wally Hitchings. (includes original adverts.) [complete]

The Mayor of Casterbridge- Michael Henchard spends his life trying to atone for the terrible action that led to the loss of his wife and child. But his past refuses to be buried, no matter how hard he tries to conceal it. Dark themes. 2008. Ensemble cast. Abel Whittle. [complete]

The Reckoning: The Death of Christopher Marlowe- In London, 1593, playwright Christopher Marlowe, a young writer, is stabbed in a disagreement over the bill, and the authorities find that Marlowe was killed in self-defence. History says it was just a drunken quarrel, nothing more. But Charles Nicholl thinks it was murder, and an unsolved murder never grows old. 2022. Ensemble cast. Robert Poley. [complete]

The Spy- Henry Wharton, a young British soldier, sneaks into No-Man's Land in civilian clothing in order to visit the family he hasn't seen in over a year. But the happy reunion is cut short when he is captured by American soldiers and must stand trial as a spy. 2012. Ensemble cast. Harvey Birch. [complete]

The Taming of The Shrew- Petruchio, after collecting money from both her younger sister's suitors and a dowry from her father, is ready to marry Katherine, even against her will. Have Katherine and Petruchio learned to love each other? Or is the marriage based on terror and deception? 1998. Ensemble cast. Grumio. [complete]

The War Master: Escape From Reality: The Adventure of The Deceased Doctor- When Dr John Watson is informed of his own murder, only the world’s greatest consulting detective can assist. He just happens to come from a different world. 2022. Ensemble cast. Lestrade/Moriarty. [complete] (included the other three parts of Escape From Reality saga; will have Parts 1-4 indicated in titles)

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz- When a tornado strikes her farmhouse in Kansas, young Dorothy is lifted to the magical world of Oz where she embarks upon a perilous journey to find her way back home. 2009. Ensemble cast. Tin Man. [complete]

Unauthorised History: The Killing- Four men have rented an upstairs room in a tavern to have a "meeting". Sometime later, a violent commotion is heard, and only three of the four men come out alive. The coroner rules that Christopher Marlowe, contemporary of William Shakespeare, was killed in self-defense. One man is not so certain, and he's determined to uncover the truth, no matter where the trail leads. 2010. Ensemble cast. Robert Poley. [complete]

Television Series

Halo- Aliens threaten human existence in an epic 26th-century showdown. 2022. Ensemble cast; antagonist. Vishner Grath. [complete]

Jamestown- 1619. Alice, Verity, and Jocelyn are among several women arrived from England, duty-bound to marry the men who have paid for their passage to Jamestown. Also arriving from England are Governor Yeardley and his wife Temperance, who will quickly discover the difficulties in both running the settlement and preventing a Company Secretary from undermining his position. 2017-19. Ensemble cast. Virginia Company Secretary Nicholas Farlow. [complete]

Torchwood- The members of the Torchwood Institute, a secret organization founded by the British Crown, fight to protect the Earth from extraterrestrial and supernatural threats. 2006. Ensemble cast. Dr. Owen Harper. [in progress- Seasons 1 & 2 posted!]

TURN: Washington's Spies- Long Island farmer Abe Woodhull bands together with a group of childhood friends to form an unlikely group of spies, The Culper Ring, who turn the tide in America's fight for independence. 2014-18. Ensemble cast. Major Edmund Hewlett. [complete]

Torchwood Audios

Corpse Day- PC Andy Davidson is very excited. It’s Corpse Day – the day when the local constabulary get help on dead cases from Torchwood. This year, he’s volunteered to act as liaison, and he knows he’s going to have a brilliant time. For Dr. Owen Harper, today’s just like any other. There’ll be bloodshed, screaming and murder. At the end of it all, he doesn’t care. After all, life’s just for the living, and he’s long dead. 2017. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

Gooseberry- Andy has a girlfriend. She's called Caite, and she's utterly lovely. And then she meets Owen. Owen finds out that Caite has a secret. One that he's desperate to understand. But the more he discovers, the more dangerously close to Caite he becomes. What's going to happen when Andy finds out? 2021. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

Iceberg- Dr. Owen Harper gets a call from an old friend in the middle of the night. She's got a ward full of coma patients, all of them checking in with a dead relative as their imaginary friend. Is it mere coincidence, or have they discovered a bridge between the living and the dead? 2020. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

Lease of Life- 3 bed, 1 bath, shared house in a vibrant area with easy access to Cardiff city centre. Has a real lived-in feel. Note to interested parties: There is a small spreading mould issue, and an investigation is being undertaken on site. Those worried are advised to contact the Council's Mould Expert, Dr. Owen Harper. 2021. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

The Hope- Megwyn Jones is one of the most hated women in Britain. She used to run a home for troubled children in an isolated part of Snowdonia called The Hope. For a long time there were rumours about what was happening there, and then one day it was realised that the children had gone missing. The years have been long and hard, but now Megwyn’s dying, and she’s agreed to go back to The Hope, to reveal the horrible secret she’s kept all these years. 2019. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

The Last Beacon- A signal in a Welsh mountain is calling an ancient battlefleet to Earth. Owen Harper and Ianto Jones head up into the Brecons to stop it. The problem is - Ianto really loves camping. Owen? Owen does not. 2018. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

The Three Monkeys- Andy Davidson's been ordered to watch over a local businessman, and he's suprised when Owen decides to tag along on the stakeout. Andy knows it can't just be coincidence- Owen knows something- the businessman's attracted Torchwood’s attention. Tonight, the two of them are going to take him down. But will luck be on their side? 2020. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

Torchwood Special: Believe- The Church of the Outsiders believe that mankind is about to evolve, to reach out into the stars. Owen Harper believes that Torchwood has to do whatever it takes to stop them. Mature content. 2018. Main cast! Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

*This post will be updated as I find more content. **Quality may not always be the best due to age and/or limited availability. Will do my best to clean audio/video up, and will hopefully be able to find better quality replacements in time.

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

....Ummmmmm..... I just saw a post with complaints about Alastor's race and nitpicking about the perceived insensitivity and inaccuracies the people who get angry enough to post about the heavily censored Yiff in Hell Cartoons being waaaaaaaay too unrealistic for them usually get butthurt over and OP just assigned Alastor, like... This random ass last name that I'd personally never heard of before... And I thought it was strange since we've already kind of been "teased" technically in a way about a potential last name for him and it wasn't that but I thought maybe it'd already been confirmed so I decided to just look that weird little last name the fuck up just to see like, where the fuck OP was pulling this brand new information from and, uh ....

I can't believe I just got wikirolled in the wild by a fucking fanti I hate these people. 😭

You guys, when I reveal my revamped blog/OC redesign for Hazbin proper that I'm currently collaborating on with a very talented artist right now (🫶) I promise I'm never gonna do this shit! I'm gonna narrate my OCs little backstory for you in like an audiobook format on a podcast or something like the truly tired Cripple that I am! 😭 ❤️

I'm so glad someone decided to be silly today though so I have an excuse to save my random little announcement/pitch for my podcast idea for next Wednesday because I'm exhausted! 😭

I DID watch Saltburn (2023) in full recently and it gave me just as many Alastor feelings as I was expecting it to and then some, can you tell? 💘🦌

But yeah please remember to consume Adult Media that isn't just cartoons or else you'll end up exactly like the person who wrote this wiki and that's not good for you! Or anyone! 💀

[thetarotsequence]

Part Two - Half House and The Tower

✨From here on out, there will be spoilers ✨

Half House:

This chapter is foundational knowledge, in my opinion, on how to build a lovable character and then let them do disagreeable things. Honestly, THE LAST SUN is a masterclass in character building, already, but this chapter is the cornerstone of getting the reader sucked in, and the next chapter (which I'll get to, pinky promise) is the string that tugs the stick out from under the edge of the box, effectively trapping the reader in complete and total love for these stories. I don't make the rules, that's just how it happens.

The key, I think, is how relatable Rune is. From his claim that the stories about the worst night of his life "Just. Won't. Fucking. Die," to the pause he has for the unsettling feeling of did I just fuck up? that he feels after the encounter with Max in the bathroom, Rune is just a regular guy. I mean, yeah, he's technically a fallen prince with the capability to incinerate everything in an as-yet-undetermined radius, but he's a normal dude with a shitty day job, spooky boss, and bills to pay! He worries about his weight and wears laundry of questionable cleanliness! Just me? Listen, once you start having a chair pile, you never go back. But I digress.

I will die on the hill that these books - while fantastic to read - are even better when listened to. Josh Hurley, the narrator, is my dream narrator for my OWN book (if I get lucky enough to be published one day - I hope he can do a British accent). I hated audiobooks, legitimately hated them, until these stories, because the narration just feels like listening to a friend tell you about what's going on in their life, until all of a sudden it doesn't and you're in an epic battle with a lich, or struggling not to cry as your worst fears and biggest hopes are confirmed one right after the other (but that's HOURGLASS THRONE talk). So, if you're a hands-on reader who hates audiobooks, just trust me. I've listened to these books so many times I don't hear my own brain voice when I read them anymore. It's just the incredible talents of Mr. Hurley that have been engraved on my memory like grooves in a vinyl record.

It's the narration, too, that enhances that relatable factor, especially where Brand is concerned. He's definitely doing a violence on Max that would get American CPS called, but the narration makes it funny, the way I think it was intended to be. And again, they all clearly grow from this point over the series, and moreover, no one is perfect, and if you haven't wanted to stick someone's head in a toilet and flush, you're probably a liar.

Speaking of liars - Queenie. Settle in and grab some tinfoil for your hat, because I Have A Theory:

I think Brand went fucking nuts on Max - and granted, this is mild considering what he, a literal sharpshooter mercenary, is capable of - because he was programmed to do so. I have the benefit of having read all the way through the 3rd book and the EIDOLON, so I know that evidence supporting my theory exists, but that's an essay for a different day. What matters now, dear reader, is that I think that Queenie fucked up, and she's realizing it in the background of this scene when she tries to stop Brand, only to have him steamroll the conversation right over her. He goes oddly (and humorously) formal in his recount of what he did and why, and the ferocity of his protectiveness coupled with his recount of events just never sat well with me. It was disproportionate; there's no doubting that. I've always been suspicious of this sequence of events, specifically because this happened on the heels of Rune mentioning that the Empress, in her "unhinged grief" (such a mood) vanished into thin air and obtained Cryptid Status. From the first time I read these books, I thought (and continue to think) this bitch is the Empress, isn't she? Every time.

But! More on that theory soon.

Queenie's gentle manipulation, asking Rune how it was for him, after he lost everything, was masterfully done, Empress or not. It speaks to someone who has been a parent, or at least has been responsible for giving guidance (which, ahem, the Empress is the Mother archetype in the Tarot soooo...I am, as the kids say, standing on business) and knows that a delicate hand is needed. Where she couldn't stop Brand's irate retelling, she is able to successfully pull one of Rune's heartstrings and get him thinking about what she wants him to think about.

Overall, I genuinely enjoyed this passage not only for the breadcrumb trail beginning in front of us as readers, but also for the dynamic emerging between the characters. Especially knowing how much trauma exists between the three of them now, and being a parent of a child with trauma (she's bootleg, don't worry, I didn't give it to her) and being a parental figure with my OWN trauma, I could really relate to the feeling of fucking up because of a trigger being set off when I was unprepared.

The last thing I loved about this chapter is how Brand and Rune work a case. It's incredibly smooth, subtle world-building that SHOULD, by rights, feel like an info-dump, but it doesn't, because of how expertly this is written. The personality embedded in Rune and Brand saturates the page and obfuscates any sense of things being spelled out for the reader. Plus, the way Rune and Brand riff off of one another is fun, and funny, and 100% the reason why my wife ships them romantically, because they DO bicker like an old married couple. It feels more than anything to me, like conversations I would have with my wife (if we were magic-case-solving-mercenaries, obviously). It's impossible not to love Rune and Brand. They're iconic.

Favorite Quote:

Not so much a quote, but the way Josh Hurley narrates Rune proudly theorizing "Maybe he wants to give me a big fat check" is stuck permanently in my vernacular, cadence, tone, everything. I have quoted it while opening the mail several times. There is never a big fat check.

The Tower:

This, as I said before, is where the string gets pulled, and we, the readers, get trapped. It's not the hook - that was buried back in the sparkly lure of the Heart Throne chapter - this is us being reeled in so swiftly we can't even struggle on the line. The continued world-building is seamless, concise, and vivid. I love the line where Rune says the rest of the world thought New Atlantis pulled their Gotham out of a cereal box, and the way he follows it up with "not a bad rep to have". This sentence does so many things at once: it establishes how New Atlantis came to be, it establishes what other people thought of it happening, and it establishes that it was costly on multiple levels, AND it establishes that it is incredibly unlikely to happen again. This makes New Atlantis feel more real, to me, because it's the difference between living somewhere and just visiting, or seeing photos online. Y'all might see a picture of bluebonnets in a meadow and think "Wow, so pretty," and I would see it and definitely think "God, it was probably 102 degrees when this was taken."

Speaking of differences in perspectives! When Rune said that Lord Tower and Brand "didn't get along" my first instinct is best described as uh huh...sure, Jan. HOURGLASS THRONE survivors know what I'm talking about.

I also loved the stealth-worldbuilding of wandering the streets of New Atlantis with Rune and Max on their way to the Pac Bell. And did you notice the seamless way Rune interrogates Max? I literally didn't notice that that was what it was, an interrogation, until THIS REREAD, so like...yesterday. And then Rune effortlessly provokes Max to reveal his true feelings about the situation? Slow clap goes here.

Another thing I just realized this reread is that IF QUEENIE IS THE EMPRESS, IS SHE THE ONE WHO TOLD LORD TOWER MAX WAS THERE????? Because who was holding New Atlantis together in her wake? Oh, just good ol' L.T. That takes LOYALTY, a deep kind of loyalty that most political figures don't deserve, and I'm curious to see if I'm right, if the loyalty was reciprocal, or if Queenie/The Empress was still trying to call the shots from behind the scenes instead of stepping back. Also, calling it now: I don't think it was just grief that sent Queenie to ground. I think she had something to be legitimately scared of coming for her, and she bolted for her own survival. I feel this way because New Atlantis, according to Rune, treats grief differently than we might. He refers to himself as a cautionary tale, even - why would a society designed to not support victims have space for grief? So my next question is - did she participate in the raid? Or does she know something about it?

Going back to Lord Tower - this is a weird experience, this reread, because of the loss of my own Dad, but it's even weirder to realize that I can see how Rune identifies L.T. as a father figure, now. It's right there on the page, but in THT, the recognition of that role in his life was a sucker punch for me. So that's interesting. I look forward to seeing what else this reread elicits for me.

Also, what happened to that AI, KD? It's been a while...I'm just saying. Is this Chekov's AI?

Another 'love it' moment for this chapter, to close out my TEDx talk, is yet more casework, this time in the form of Rune getting info from L.T. It initially felt like a mysterious-benefactor-and-protege situation before, but like I said, this reread, I can feel the difference, and like a paperback that's gone soft as fabric from too many rereads, I hear the soft affection in Lord Tower's sigh and "Must you make me so terrifying?" quote. I also hear that paternal vibe in "Addam is special, and I worry." You even hear it in the OBVIOUS (except to Rune) matchmaking energy from Lord Tower calling Addam a "confirmed bachelor, much like you." Which I love, every time.

Favorite Quote:

"His walkabouts?" (Emphasis to try to capture Josh Hurley's narration). Honestly, Rune's entire snarky commentary is just so funny, especially now that I know what happens, and it's obvious just how not like what he expected Addam turned out to be. But that's another topic for another day.

[panelshowsource]

could you make a post about all the books from comedians you own/have ordered and which are your favorites I want to buy all of them but don't know where to start ++++++++ would love to know if you know of a way to order a signed copy of David's book if I don't live in the UK

you know, in a stroke of what may be relevant information, i'm actually an editorial director by day and even used to be a literary agent here in nyc — none of which is obvious on account of my billion rushed typos and...just...general existence :) (i promise i'm supremely carefully handed in my editing!!! and have a lot of resources, at my job hahahahaha oh god maybe i shouldn't have mentioned this!!!) — but i'm really no book critic and have no idea how my tastes stack up against what a lot of you are looking for. i'm happy to share some of my general, poorly articulated internet thoughts but it may be more worth checking out goodreads or talking with others who have more experience with autobiographies (which a majority of these types of books are)!

to begin with a disclaimer, one of my friends texted me recently, "why do you only watch sad movies?" i love sad films, sad music, i love to cry, catharsis, sentimentality which is always a little self-indulgent. it's a bit ironic, because this is a comedy blog and you guys know me as someone who loves to find things to laugh about and i fill my life with so much silliness through his huge, life-long hobby, but, all the same, that is only one side of me, i guess. i'm saying this now because you're about to hear me talk briefly about a few somewhat-to-incredibly sad books and be like "oh i didn't know this what i was getting into" 😅

books i do recommend:

just ignore him by alan davies — this isn't a book review but i am self-conscious about just how i describe this book, because it's so sensitive and i carry a lot of respect for alan. at the time of publication, alan actually didn't want any of the press to know and/or discuss the most tragic elements of the book, so readers wouldn't be influenced in any direction before confronting it themselves. (it's okay to talk about now of course, and anyone should know there are major trigger warnings for death, child abuse, sexual abuse, and pedophilia.) it is a sad book about his earliest years: the complexities and nuances of male power and manipulation, of unimaginable loneliness, of a lost child. alan said it wasn't cathartic to write—that is was indeed very painful—but the vulnerability, the commitment to shirking himself of the painful silence he endured for most of his life, is exceptionally moving. alan's writing can be quite thorough, even flowery, in creating vivid places and images, so so much of the heaviness feels piercing and even disturbing. if you read other comedians' books, a decent majority of them are written in the style of standup or, say, a ted talk — with performance in mind, specific structures and beats that mimic how they'd tell these stories on stage. i would argue this is quite different to that, that while the writing is in a style and structure that benefits being read aloud this is a very different alan to alan the performer. and, very honestly, i'm really not an audiobook person, not to mention listening is a wholly different experience to reading — but the audiobook for this is phenomenal: alan narrates and, while of course it's his story so he'll tell it best, he is a very gentle, thoughtful storyteller. this will be you by chapter 4:

moab is my washpot + fry chronicles by stephen fry — the first and second of his three autobiographies covering some of the most sensational times (stephen is willing to admit) of his childhood and teen years + his rise to fame through the cambridge footlights. these are good reads for 1) stephen fry fans duh and 2) people who can enjoy the inspiration of auden, waugh, wilde, wodehouse, quintessential english writers who inform the foundation of stephen's relationship with literature and appreciation. stephen is painfully honest — and often sorry for it, apologising for what he perceives to be his shortcomings — and you can't help but feel, even early on in the first book, that his view of his own world is somehow even more subjective than everyone else's views of their own worlds. maybe it's because he's so judgmental, maybe it's his oscillating mental health, maybe it's the shocking thrust with which he was confronted with the wideness of the world...i'm not sure, but stephen's life through stephen's eyes is so very stephen-y. i think that's why we love him‚ though i can see some people loathing the less admirable sides of him, which he does show, so don't read this if you want to maintain some image of him that helps you cope or keeps you perfectly entertained. if you're not british, the fry chronicles is an especially good read to scratch some of your anglophilic interests (lotsss of namedropping and backstage chat)!

delicacy: a memoir about cake and death by katy wix — one of my recent faves and another book that isn't thoroughly funny. told in 21 vignettes either centered around or vaguely related to cake, katy talks about her school life, grief and loss, self-esteem and body image, misogyny — in ways that are just...matter of fact...opposed to lessons learned or things she's working on through therapy. she's accepted a lot, but she's also afflicted by a lot to this day; she's capably honest about where her reality stands. for this reason, it can be a bleak and certainly very raw read. i listened to the audiobook for this one, which was nice, but i much recommend the actual written book as the vignettes are in different formats (short story prose, letters, email exchanges) that often anchor time and place, intention, even the little peeks of light of comedy. katy's writing is very lovely, both my heart and mind were touched.

back story by david mitchell — a mildly vulnerable, moderately insightful, and quite humorous exploration of david's up-and-coming years. i really appreciate the premise — due a bad back and sciatica, he begins taking very long walks every day, and these walks trigger memories and anecdotes as he passes certain places — that really doesn't come off as a gimmick. it's a very easy read (or listen) and what i'd consider an uncomplicated, unproblematic bio, but it would be difficult to enjoy if you're only a casual fan of david mitchell or only like him in his most recent dad years, as it was written in his peep show heyday and is so much about those years of his life, his relationship with robert webb, etc. a good intro-to-the-genre book and the very first britcom book i read way back in 2010!

i also really enjoy graham norton's books — especially for the goss, but he's a great writer and his debut fiction novel got quite good reviews! — and tim key's books of poetry, though you really need to be a fan of tim key to read tim key :')

books i do not recommend:

before & laughter by jimmy carr — this book is much less of an autobiography (details are scant and anecdotes are few; it's cute when he refers to karoline as "my girl") and much more a collection of 1) jimmy's interpretation of contemporary comedy and what it means to be a comedian, and 2) how that journey, and his evolving attitudes, shaped him + became advice he would offer to others. this is why he calls the book adjacent to self help & motivational speaking. i don't think it teaches you anything new about him — literally or as a writer — so i don't recommend reading it, though the audiobook (where he's truly performing the writing like a ted talk) is an easy listen. a lot of people will not understand that jimmy is overwhelmingly sincere in regards to all of the topics and personal philosophies the jimmy nearing 50 espouses. he's someone with very studied, thorough personal philosophies (if you've seen him on podcasts talking about his life and career then you'll know just what i mean) and he explains them deftly, but they can feel a bit...how should i say this...flat to people who have heard a lot of it before, in hollywood movies or from their own parents or wherever. he didn't write this just for another stream of income — he is passionate about these conversations and that counts for something. overall i already knew a bit about the guy and didn't need this.

my shit life so far by frankie boyle — i have never read one of frankie's fiction novels (crime is really not my thing, so someone needs to let me know if richard osman's book series is a smash because i'm only going to check them out if i'm convinced to), but as a long-time fan of his, knowing how much of a wordsmith he is, and how intentional he is in everything he says, i was surprised by how dull i found this. his shit life was just that — uninteresting, meandering. his anecdotes may have worked better aloud than on paper, but they didn't grab me. you learn a bit about his young adulthood, but like jimmy he's intensely private and i could feel that distance between us even while reading an autobiography. it didn't work for me, super sad about it :(

can everyone please calm down? by mae martin — instead of criticising this book, i'd rather just make a disclaimer or two. if you are already engaged in queer discourses and dialogues, you are not going to learn very much from this book. both the descriptive writing and presentation of research is "accessible" to the point i'd call it more adjacent to YA than adult literature; if you prefer more creative, complicated, and/or signature writing styles, this book is not for you. if you are a big fan of mae martin and would appreciate an overview of their journey on the identity spectrum (going so far as to even rejecting it, in some capacities) in one place, then this may be convenient — but even then, at this point, it's somewhat outdated. imo a well-intention skip.

phil wang and tom allen are two more i think don't convince me with their writing, but i'm still making my ways through a couple of books and could probably talk more about this later!

i have never made this kind of non-fiction bio a priority on my long reading list, so i still have a lot of exploring and catching up to do, but i'm finding that i do prefer the books that explore the events of comedian's past as well as those that walk the reader through experiences in the comedy & tv industries. there are a lot of books about mental health and identity, which may be more of what many of you are looking for (sara pascoe, fern brady, jon richardson, and more).

okaY PHEW SORRY i always type too much 😒

first, as for david mitchell's new book, you can order it signed from waterstones as they ship to the usa — and it's currently half off!!!!! if you want to buy it unsigned from a usa retailer amazon is cheapest and target & bookshop are the cheapest non-amazon options :) an audiobook is coming out as well, so i do believe i will be able to add that to googledrive before too long, but no guarantees on a good time frame!

you can go here to download any of the ebooks & audiobooks i have on my googledrive!