#somebody please remedy this

[wingedmachine]

She haunts me like a ghost and I'm the dead one.

[nashvillethotchicken]

Matter fact. If I was a vampire and I paid an old friend to interview me before he died and he talked to me and my current husband and talked about my DEAD child and ex husband the way Daniel do? Im doing more than making fun of him, I'm knocking him in his bulbous forehead like he's a beluga fuckin whale

[evandsolo]

You've always been there | ft. Yunho

jeong yunho x reader genre : fluff, roomates to lovers words : 3,685. trigger warning : cursing, mention of narcism. plot : you've been to a lot of dates but each of them has been a complete disaster until your roomates had an idea. side note : it's actually my first try writing such things. It might not be perfect, please be gentle. thanks, love.

Why do you keep on going on those goddamn dates?  You think, on the way home. Assholes, pure narcissists, losers. They all are the same in the end. The same locations, the same boring conversations and they aren’t even offering to pay for the bill. What could you wait from people spending their day swiping on a shitty app? Were your expectations too high? or their standards too low? The ending scheme remains as always: you’re coming home, alone. This time you promise yourself; you’re deleting that puddle of nonsense from your phone. No more dates, ever.

You push the entrance door in a sigh of relief. Done with the dummies. Everything is quiet, as usual. We only hear the voices of the actors on TV. The usual drama Yunho loves to watch when you’re not home. As soon as he realized you were home, he turned out the TV, and his big brown eyes to you. “Spill the tea, Gorgeous.” He says his usual giant smile on the face.

You drop by his side on the couch in an umpteenth sigh. “I hate men so much.” And you mean it. They’re so disappointing, how could you not hate them? “All of them? Even me?” Of course not. Jeong Yun-ho was the best man you’ve ever known. A smile appears on your face before you cast an amused look at him. “Especially you!” You say, bumping your shoulder on his arm, making him laugh. “I’m just so mad they can’t even reach a little bit of respect to the people they have in front of them.” That dumb dude you met tonight, spent the entire time watching the match on TV. He barely even took a real look at you, or even was interested in what you were saying. You’ve never felt more alone or disrespected in your whole life. You take your time to explain everything to your best friend. Your voice is filled with anger and disappointment. Mostly, deep down your heart, you felt like there was no hope anymore.

It was so difficult to talk with someone that was interesting and interested. It was obvious that everything had gone wrong, and that you’ll never find somebody that will treat you the right way. “Their loss. They don’t know how amazing you are.” He says, trying to make you feel better, surrounding you with one arm. “That’s what you think.” You add, looking at his face. “I just wanted to have a cute date, something that was nice and simple. A moment that feels new and refreshing. But it was too much to ask.” You say, pouting your lips, leaning your head on his strong shoulder. “Can I do something to ease your mood?” nodding in a slight despair. “Please. I’d very much appreciate it.” 

You knew Yunho for a few years now. He first was your classmate and then, he became your roommate, in a much bigger apartment than your small student room. It was convenient for the both of you and living by his side was easy. He was nice, quiet, clean, funny, also very handsome, which, you can admit, was quite an advantage. But above all, he knew perfectly how to make you feel better. He leaves your side so fast you suddenly felt cold. Your sight follows his paths to the kitchen, curious about what he’ll do. “You should take a moment to take a shower, you’d feel much better after that.” He says, not even looking at you, but he surely felt your eyes on his back. “Look at you, fathering me.” You hear him laugh, while you were reaching the bathroom.

And he sure was right, the water was the perfect remedy to your bad mood, feeling the water running down your muscles made you feel very much at ease. You surround yourself with a delicious flowery perfume. You adore it. It was actually him that offered you that perfume a few years ago, for your birthday. Since then, it has become your favorite amongst all the others you already had. You feel even better after you sunk yourself in your favorite night gown. A delicious smell of sugar reaches your nose, as soon as you got out of the steamy room. God bless having such a good person in your life.  On the counter of the kitchen were waiting your favorite drink and those heated cookies you loved so much. Your heart suddenly burst in tender. How sweet of him. “And we can watch that show that you love, if it can helps.” He proposed, soon after he saw that you were back in the living room. “I just wanted a hug, Yunho.” You say, but oh how much you appreciated every little thing he made to make you feel the best. “Is it too much? We can just eat and…” “No. Of course, not. I’d love to watch that show with you.” You smile. Everything was just so on point, and you’ve never felt as understood ever before.

Both of your bodies now lay on the couch covered by a small throw that Yunho insisted on taking with you. The storm in your mind had cease to rage. It’s now pure joy and peace thank to that delicious chocolate and peanut butter cookies that you had devoured. The show that the TV was playing was your favorite. It portrayed the story of a strong woman crossing border to follow the love of her life. It makes you feel emotional every time, but oh how much you loved it. Your head is resting on Yunho’s lap as you’re focused on the screen, but you could feel his sight on your face. “What? Is there something on my face?” You did not even turn your eyes to him, you knew. “I’m waiting for the moment when you’ll shed a tear.” He replied in a pouty voice. You caught him red-handed. “Don’t you dare taking a picture and send it to the boys, or you’ll better sleep with one eye open.” Next time you’ll see Choi San, he’ll surely make a point about you crying on what he loves to call a boring show. And they’ll gently make fun of you. “You’re a wild one, y/n. I’m terrified.” He says, jokingly, putting a hand on your hair. You grant him with a dark sight, before focusing on the screen again. When the sad part comes, you can’t even hold back the tears. You sniff loudly, soaking Yunho’s thigh. It made him giggle, while rubbing your shoulder in comfort. His giggle doesn’t even feel judgmental. You knew you could cry freely; it just amused him to witness how emotional you could be.

The tv continued to run for a few more episodes, but you couldn’t see them all. You fell asleep without even realize it. “y/n ?” he whispered but you were so far already you didn’t even hear him. He spent a few minutes watching you sleep. You seemed so peaceful so comfortable on his legs. He wished he could stay here a little bit more so that he could admire you endlessly, but he knew how insane that would be. He picked you up in his big arms, to carry you to your room. It gently puts you on your bed and covers you with a light blanket so you could feel warm. “Goodnight, sweet.” He says lightly, before you answer in the mumble of your sleep “’night dear.”

You can’t even remember when and how you reach your bed, but you’re waking up in your sheets, alone, as usual. A sigh comes out your mouth as you’re leaving the sheets to grab your phone in the living room. Next to it, there’s a hand-written note. The usual curves of Yunho’s writing. It was simple, elegant, just as he was. He took some time to write it, instead of just a text. It warmed your heart. 

You left your phone in the kitchen yesterday, i didn't wanted to disturb your sleep by bringing it to your room. There's some fresh cutout fruits in the fridge if you’re hungry. I’m running errands, coming home asap. 

Also, I need you to be ready when I’m back, taking you out today. 

X, Yunho.  

You can’t even contain your smile. But you realized soon he must have been gone for a little while now, so he might be back home soon. Screw your breakfast, there’s no time to waste. You can’t help but be curious about what is on your friend's mind. 

You came out of your room fully ready at the very same moment when you heard the click of the keys on the door. Yunho comes in and your heart flutters immediately. “Hi, slept well ?” He asks, the biggest smile on his face. “ Perfectly. Who are these beautiful roses for ?” You couldn't hold back the question, pointing at the bouquet he was holding in his hand. “ For the neighbor, obviously!” He started, you could feel his smile in his voice. “ It's actually the first step of our day. White roses, as you like them.” He hands down the bouquet to you and your heart skips a beat. “ You didn't have to do all of this, Yunho. That's adorable.” You're surrounded with the perfect smell of the roses and a cloud of tenderness. “ You felt so bad yesterday, I thought it was a good idea to show you how you are supposed to be treated. To make you feel better.” He has always been all about acts of service, but this. It felt extra special. “ So I'm taking you on a day of dates.” You're suddenly completely speechless. “ Yunho…” You whispered, tears flooding your eyes. “ That's the best thing nobody has ever done to me.” Your heart was racing, “ You deserve it, Y/N” 

Fuck, how could he be that nice ? 

Right after the flowers were put in some water, you followed Yunho outside, still so curious about today's program. “Where are you taking me ?” You ask while buckling your seatbelt. “I'd rather keep it a secret. And you better not overthink everything. Let me guide you.” Not overthink? How could you even do that ? “ Don't look at me like that. You'll enjoy it, I promise.” But you wanted to know, and not even the usual GPS was indicating your destination. How frustrating. You hate not being in control and this was way out of your comfort zone. But you knew you could trust him with your guts. You’ve always been safe by his side. 

12:02 - 

“ I hope you’re hungry.”  Yunho’s holding the door for you. You know that place. A fancy restaurant you’ve spotted on social media, a few weeks ago. How did he knew? Your eyes are sparkling and your heart feels so warm. You are installed near a window that enables you to have a pretty view of the city. The lights, the music, everything made it perfect. Nobody had ever taken you somewhere that fancy before. “Are you okay ?” He asked, softly, a warm smile on his face. You can’t help but feel the warm coming in your cheeks. “Y-yeah ! That’s so… amazing.” you whisper, looking around you. “That is a lot.” You add, in a little smile. The flowers, now this. You’ve never felt so cared about before. “As long as you are happy, it’s nothing.” Hi Google, how to not melt in front of someone ? You order some food, your stomach is raging just by reading the menu.

Fortunately the food came by really fast, and it looked just like in your dreams. You and Yunho shared a pretty animated conversation about a lot of subjects, but the only thing you were focused on, was his smile, the way he looked so happy. The soft curve of his lips, the sun in his honey-like voice, the spark in his eyes. You feel something was shifting slowly. “ What’s on your mind ?” You hear, tearing you apart from your daydream. “Huh ? Oh, nothing. I was thinking about how good this is !” You smile, pointing at your plate. “Oh really ? Can I ?” “You’ll love it !” You hand him your fork so he could try your dish. “Oh damn, yours is so much better than mine !” He says, his eyes wide open. Without asking permission, you exchange dishes, so he can have the other half. You always used to do that, sharing was so obvious. “How did you know this place ?” You finally ask, curious. “I saw that you shared it on your page, I kept the name, so i could take you there one day…” He admits, lowering his gaze on his plate. Your heart skips a beat. Take me there... ? Oh Yunho... Your hand lightly reaches his to grab it. “That’s really so nice of you.” He has always been so thoughtful. Every little attention was heartwarming, like a summer sun. You trace circles on the back of his hand, making a smile appear on his face. “ I really like to see you smile. Seeing you happy really is important to me, you know.” You nod, so deeply touched by his words. 

This day was so overwhelming already. It sounded so much like real dates. Going back to reality will be so hard. 

4:17 pm 

Next location, the beach.

The sun was shining brightly. You’ve never seen such a bright day in so long. It looked like every setting was made to make your day even better. It really was everything you’ve ever asked for on a date. It was simple but so nice. It looks like you, like what you loved. You’re walking side by side, in the sun, admiring the waves crashing on the sand and the rocks. The sound of it was quite relaxing. In the sun, you could admire every angle of Yunho’s beautiful features. Something in his beauty catches you, you couldn’t stop to observe him. He was so singularly handsome. 

A funfair was taking place on the pier and you were walking straight to it. The little girl inside your head was screaming in joy. Funfair always had been something you enjoyed to do. It makes you feel like there’s only happiness in the world. The smells, the sounds of it, makes your heart so warm and recharged. You grab Yunho’s hand, intertwining your fingers. You needed no words, to tell him how happy you feel at the moment. “Can we go to the claw machine ?” You asked with excitement, making him laugh. He nods and leads you there. He let you take a look at every machine. “Have you seen that panda ? Isn’t he so cute ?!” Your voice rose slightly to the trebles while you were pointing at the stuffed panda in the very rear of the machine. “Okay, let’s try to catch it !” He lets you go first. He steps behind your back and rests a hand on your shoulder as you're trying to focus on your goal. His contact makes you shiver and you experience the difficulty of not concentrating on the heat that it releases through the layers of tissues covering your skin. 

First try. Fail. Second try, fail.

You're whining with frustration. The third attempt remains a failure. You can’t help the frustrating sigh to get out your throat. “Lemme try!” He says behind your back.He advances his hand to grab the game handle. The music starts again, and he tries twice without catching it. “I’m gonna try again, there’s no way we’re coming home without it.” He adds determination in his voice as he pulls another coin in the machine. The claw closes itself around the panda’s arm, and you’ve never prayed that much. You put your hand on Yunho’s while you take a look at the plushie. Then finally, you both exult with joy when the animal falls into the right area. Your smile is so wide, as you’re turning to hug tight the man behind you. “You did it !” You say close to his ear. He relishes his embrace and he leans to catch the plushie. He hands it to you with the biggest and proudest smile on his face. “You better hug it tight when I'm away from you.” He says, making your heart race again. “I’d rather hug you, forever. You’re softer and warmer.” you add, locking his sight in yours. “ But that will do if you're not home. It'll be a little bit of you.” you smile.

There was something in the air that made you feel like that was where you belonged. Everything was perfect, as you always imagined it to be, except you’ve never ever thought that Yunho would be the best date of your life. Turns out, he is absolutely perfect. “What about some candy floss and a big cola ?” he asks, grabbing your hand. “I’d love that. We should take a giant one so we can share.” He nods. You rush to the candy station and soon you have a giant pink fluff ball between your hands. In less than a second a big part is already in your mouth, making you laugh, as sugar remains on the corner of your lips. “Wait, lemme help you.” He says before gently passing his thumb on your skin. The touch of his skin makes you gently shiver and for a second you forget how to breathe.

You continue to walk around the fair together. You’ve never laughed that much before. He even took some pictures of you, watching the carnival rides or the sun that was already starting to set. Time was flying, and you enjoyed every part of that amazing day. 

If only this day could be endless. 

8.24 pm

“The view is amazing.” You’re completely astonished. Yunho took you on a hill, to eat dinner outside while admiring the view of the entire city and the ocean at the same time. The sunset gives its greatest colors to the sky. A gradient of warm colors you loved so much.

Before coming here, you passed by a small shop to grab some fried chicken and some tanghulus for dessert even though you had so much sugar already, he knew you loved them. “So, what did you think about today ?” he asks, drawing you away from your contemplation. “ Are you really asking ?” Is he on a sugar high ? “Y-yeah ?” You’re falling closer to him, looking straight to his eyes. “That was the most amazing, perfect, day of my life, Yunho.” You admit. Your heart was fuller than ever. “You made all my wishes come true. You perfectly knew how to make me the happiest, and I can't thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me.” His eyes started to shine as his cheeks took a slight pink color. He looks at the grass for a few seconds before coming back to your eyes. “There would be a way to thank me, actually.” He said, kindling a curious flame in your chest. “Oh yeah ?” “You could maybe uh… gimme a kiss ?” At the end of his proposal, his voice softens, as if he suddenly became a little more shy. Yet you can’t stop the surprise from coming on your face. A kiss ? “Only if you agree, of course. If you don’t, that’s okay.. I mean I wo-...” You stop his mumbling by pressing your lips against his. You’re not so sure if it was what he was asking for, but you wanted it so bad. It did not take long before he came pressing his hand on your cheek, smiling against your lips. 

It was the best kiss you’ve ever shared. 

You part a few seconds later, both giggling as teenagers. The feeling rushing into your body was nothing more than pure felicity. “I waited for this for so long.” Wait what ? He catches your intrigued look and smiles softly before glancing at the horizon, perfectly avoiding your gaze. “You’ve been on my mind for so long, y/n…” He starts. You knew this would lead somewhere you’ll never come back from. “This… I wanted to show you how much you meant to me. You deserve the absolute world.” Your heart melts instantly. “ It made me so mad that no one could see how amazing you are. But I was a bit jealous, watching you goin out with douches I knew would not suit you.” Your head leans on his shoulder, inviting him to continue. “I wanted to take you on a date for so long. I just didn’t know how to do it.” He was so open right now, confessing his feelings towards you. Only for you to realize how reciprocal it was. “ I just.. I love you, y/n.” Your heart explodes in your chest. Slowly, you find the way to his lips. The slight pressure he puts into it, shows how much he wanted it to happen. A hand lands on your neck, the other on your back for a few seconds.You feel all surrounded by him, warmed, loved.

The slight notes of his fruity and warm perfume, made you feel a little dizzy. Or was it the feeling of his lips, staying right after you parted your lips ? “ I was so blind…” You admit, resting your forehead against his. “I should have seen sooner.” If you stopped convincing yourself it was just friendship, you would have saved yourself many catastrophic moments and memories that you would gladly have done without. “The reason nobody has suited me before, it’s only because you are the one made for me.” You whisper, heart fully open. “I love you too, Yunho.” 

This was the best closure you could ever imagine. You promised yourself to never kiss on the first date, but it did feel like you were already dating for so long. It was him. It has always been him. As you’re coming home, that night, everything has changed, in the best way. You fall asleep in your boyfriend’s arms, the panda he won for you pressed between your bodies. 

No more shitty dating apps. Only good and lovable dates.

I really hope you appreciated it, do not hesitate to reblog or to leave a note i'd love to read all about your thoughts. ✿

[wordbunch]

SFW Alphabet: Aragorn

a/n: thank you @emmaarenstarr​ for requesting this and sending me back into my Aragorn era 🤭🤭 I’ve loved this man for SO long that I basically feel like I know him at this point...so this will be LONG and hopefully okay. 😂💙 let me know how you liked it, I really treasure all of your comments, and reblogging my work is always especially appreciated!! lots of love 💖

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?) He is very affectionate but in a very subtle way - a hand on your back in passing, a kiss to your temple, longing gazes across the room… he is very respectful but still likes to show you that he loves you in a physical way as well. He is affectionate to his friends, let alone his romantic partner! His go-to in public is a quick kiss to the back of your hand, but in private he could kiss you on the lips for the rest of time.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?) Loyal to the end, protective, honest… and it would be a long lasting friendship. I imagine you’d meet either during some of his “missions” as Strider, or maybe even in Rivendell as he was growing up; definitely way before the whole One Ring adventure. Even while you drift out of and back into each other’s lives due to different circumstances, the friendship never fades away. 

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?) He isn’t particularly inclined to cuddling because he’d always lived on-the-go and pretty independently. He doesn’t dislike cuddling, he is just pretty neutral. If you like it or suggest it, he will definitely do whatever is in his power to bring you joy; also he is very intuitive and he can guess when you need it after a particularly demanding day. In those situations he will gladly be the big spoon or, even better, lie on his back and just let you drape yourself over him in any way you please.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?) Eventually he does want to settle down - he’d had his fair share of wandering around and not having one set place to call home - but he’s certain that you are his home. He’s decent at cooking relatively simple stuff and he obviously does it well enough to keep himself alive and strong. Cleaning isn’t his strongest suit, I mean… it’s difficult to keep things clean when you basically live on dirt roads and forests, and then later when you become King, you don’t really need to clean… 

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) only thinking about this is detrimental to my mental health… straight to the point, as rational as possible, and put together, but he feels incredibly guilty when he sees the defeated look in your eyes, and he genuinely wishes nothing but the very best for you.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?) Aragorn is a certified slow burn king, he is very committed in a relationship and he would never entertain the thought of being with someone if he didn’t see it working in the long run. He would surely want to figure out as many things as possible before getting married and he would want to ensure that he can give you the best possible life.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?) For somebody who is an amazingly skilled warrior and terrifying to his enemies, privately he is a very gentle man because with you he can let go of the constant caution and he doesn’t have to be on edge all the time. It actually fascinates you how different he can be in different settings. Emotionally as well, he is very loving and wagers his words a lot; it literally seems that he always says the right thing at the right time.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?) For Aragorn hugs are a way of making sure you’re there and safe and okay, and they’re a great remedy for stress and tiredness. Bone crushing hugs after a dangerous situation include him burying his face in your hair or neck and holding onto you for dear life. His hugs are very comfortable - somehow he is always warm, and there’s probably a height difference so you can tuck your head underneath his chin. Again, he’s not too big of a fan of overt displays of affection, but when he comes into your shared quarters after a long day, you can always count on at least one proper hug.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?) Slow. Burn. King. Surprisingly or not, you were the first one who hinted at those kinds of feelings between you two! After the first confession, he doesn’t say it too often in those exact words - they’re very special and sacred to him. However, he makes sure you know you’re loved in many other ways. For example, he can be very romantic and even poetic with his compliments and he will do anything for you, without you having to ask. I’d say his love languages are most likely acts of service and quality time.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?) Aragorn is literally not jealous at all - his trust in you is unwavering and he is confident that you love him and are committed to him. Rather he gets concerned if he thinks that someone is pestering you or making you uncomfortable and then he steps in if things start to escalate. To an outsider he will seem very cool and collected when he stands up for you, but you can read him better than that.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?) He is a classically romantic man and there’s nothing better to him than a full-on love-packed kiss on the lips!!! Which is mostly saved for behind four walls. His kisses are always slow and thorough, he takes his sweet time showing you love, and one of his hands always winds up in your hair to pull you in even closer. Due to a height difference it’s also very convenient for him to kiss you on the forehead or your hair, whereas public settings and occasions call for something more subtle, like a swoon-worthy kiss on the back of your hand, which is often held in his. His absolute weakness is when, during more intimate times, you kiss him right under his jaw or on the neck. 

L = Little ones (How are they around children?) To be fair, he hasn’t had too much experience being around kids, and he is mostly neutral - not good, not bad, he just thinks they’re okay. He’d be protective due to his nature, but that is about it. 

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?) Before you he used to be a man who’d just get up and start his day immediately (if he’d even got proper sleep at all), but after you got together that aspect of his life changed greatly. He is unbelievably cuddly in the mornings and he likes to just wrap himself around you as much as possible and relish in that skin-to-skin contact while still being half asleep. You treasure those moments a lot, because ruling a kingdom is insanely hectic, and having him all to yourself in comfortable silence, or soft whispering, is priceless.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?) Sometimes you must attend balls and dinners, which isn’t exactly on the list of his favorite activities, but having an arm around you and seeing you looking so royal and gorgeous and vibrant makes it much more bearable. The kinds of nights and evenings that he prefers, though, is when the two of you can just escape for a little bit from the hustle and bustle, and spend some time in nature. He can still sometimes miss the kind of life he’d had as a ranger, so you occasionally make an effort to steal him away and go exploring a forest or just camp out under the stars. He appreciates it more than he’ll ever be able to say.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?) Many times we’ve established that he takes things slow most of the time, and here it’s no different. Furthermore, he is very in touch with his emotions and, while he still has struggles and doubts about a plethora of things, he is really good at sorting them out on his own. Occasionally you have to push him a little bit to confess some things to you (just because he doesn’t want you to worry about anything), but other than that he has no trouble revealing anything. 

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?) It really takes an extreme situation for him to get angry; he sometimes gets just a bit frustrated if he cannot change something for the better, and he feels like he should be able to.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?) His memory is impeccable, especially when it comes to “big” things and events, but sometimes details slip his mind, such as your favorite flower or dessert, but don’t hold it against him - he needs to process too much information on the daily. Actually it is a bit funny when he gets something wrong, like the favorite color for your new cape, because he gets unusually embarrassed and flustered , which is oddly funny to see on him.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?) While he treasures everything and anything, if he had to pick just one moment, it would be when you first verbalized your feelings for him. The two of you had been friends for ages, secretly pining for one another, but nobody spoke up for a while. Until once he was patching up an injury of yours and you didn’t have the clearest mind and weren’t fully aware of your words and surroundings… thus, things happened. He wasn’t really sure whether he should trust your clouded judgment and slurred words, but he decided to follow his heart and finally pursue you romantically. The fact that he could have lost you that day just cemented what he thought he felt for you, and he kind of criticized himself for not acting on his feelings way earlier. 

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?) Aragorn is very very protective in any way you can think of, it’s just who he is. One of his biggest fears is something terrible happening to you, and he will act out immediately, maybe sometimes even a bit rashly, if he senses that might be the case. You know he means well and usually you let him, although he has so much respect for your independence and knows you can handle many things on your own, but it just makes him feel like he’s “doing a good job” in at least one aspect of your relationship. You have almost never needed to protect him physically, for him it’s more than enough when you hear him out about something and even advise him about what might be the healthiest option for him - basically you protect him against burnout and overworking as much as you can.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?) Aragorn is sort of in the middle of the spectrum - he doesn’t get you all the stars from the sky, but also he is never careless and he doesn’t take you for granted. Sometimes you give him hints about what you would like as a present or a date idea, and he’s intelligent enough to pick up on it immediately, and you’re both okay with that. Every now and then he goes out of his way, as much as circumstances permit him to, but one of your ways of showing him that you love him is when you take charge of planning an activity for the two of you, getting him a meaningful present, or just pampering him a little bit because honestly he deserves that sometimes. 

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?) He takes up entirely too many responsibilities upon himself and he tends to feel too responsible for others’ actions if he’d maybe been the one advising them or helping them in some way… and then he will feel bad if something goes wrong for somebody else because maybe he could have done something differently and the outcome would have been better.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?) Have you seen him - this man literally doesn’t care. Obviously it stems from way before he was King, but eventually he has to start paying more attention to it, and he appreciates your comments and input about his looks and clothes. 

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?) Not really, no. He’s fully used to being alone and is extremely self-sufficient in more ways than one. However, it’s undeniable that you bring great joy into his life and make it more rich and vibrant.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.) Hear me out… his morning voice is something else. That is all I’m going to say. (may the unholy thoughts begin)

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?) People who don’t stick to their word, break promises and things like that. He tries his hardest to honor the things he says and believes in, and that is also a personality trait that he really appreciates in other people.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?) He is an incredibly light sleeper and he doesn’t need a lot of sleep to function properly. He prefers that you fall asleep first as he watches over you. However, sometimes you have to all but force him to go get some proper sleep during some extra busy and taxing days, and then you run your fingers through his hair as he drifts off to sleep.

-

✨ taglist my beloved ✨ @lotrnonsense​​​​​​ @starlady66​​​​​​ @queenmeriadoc​​ @entishramblings​​​​​​ @thesolarangel​​​​​​ @silversword7000​​​​​​ @friendofthefellowshipsnerdblog​​​​​​ @averys-place​​​​​​ @valkyriepirate​​​​​​ @emmaarenstarr​​​​​​ @noldorinpainter​​​​​​ @asianbutnotjapanese​​​​​​ @adamgetawaydriver​​​​​​ @fenharel-enaste​​​​​​ @ironmandeficiency​​​​​​      @starryeyedrogue​​ @dinofromspac3​​  @wisheduponastar​ @lady-of-imladris @frodo-cinnamonroll ​

[ermesskiss]

itafushi pov playlists

i've been editing my itafushi playlists non-stop this past week and decided to sort the songs on a google doc instead of doing it in my head to make it easier on myself easier and more sense and omg, they're significantly fucking better compared to last time I posted about them on here

trust me!!! on my beloved cat they're good!!!

I figured that I should post the list of the arcs and its songs of their pov's. figured that this would be interesting to some people and I wanted to give them an idea of my thought process

below the cut is the song list with arcs + playlist link

here is the link to the google doc if it's more convenient and easier for others

likes, comments, and reblogs are much appreciated!! 🫶🏽

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

Itadori's pov

First Introduction

Use Somebody: Kings of Leon

What You Know: Two-Door Cinema Club

Cursed Womb 

Amazing: Rex Orange County

Somedays: The Strokes

There Is a Light That Never Goes Out: The Smiths

Dying in front of Fushiguro

Fade Into You: Mazzy Star

Heart To Heart: Mac DeMarco

Moonlight On The River: Mac DeMarco

My Love Mine All Mine: Mitski

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life): Green Day

Secretly Training With Gojo

When You’re Gone: The Cranberries

See You Again: Tyler, The Creator

I Think I Like When It Rains: WILLIS

I Will: The Beatles

Kyoto Goodwill Event: Surprising Team

For The First Time: Mac DeMarco

Tongue Tied: Group Love

Every Way: Rex Orange County

Kyoto Goodwill Event: Battles

You’re My Bestfriend: Queen

Drive ME crazy: Lil Yachty

Buddy Holly: Weezer

Death Painting Arc

Remedy: Adele

You Get You Give: New Radicals

Time After Time: Cyndi Lauper

You’ve Got a Friend In Me: Randy Newman

Here With Me: D4vd

Shibuya Accident

Always Forever: Cults

Mrs. Magic: Strawberry Guy

I Can’t Handle Change: Roar

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want: Dream Academy 

Lonely Day: System Of The Down

Itadori's Extermination

Pluto Projector: Rex Orange County

Broken: Lifehouse

Everything: Lifehouse

Iris: Goo Goo Dolls

Chasing Cars: Snow Patrol

Running: No Doubt

What Would I Do?: Strawberry Guy

Angel: Brent Faiyaz

Culling Game

It’s Not The Same Anymore: Red Orange County

Liar: Paramore

Like You Do: Joji

When The Sun Hits: Slow Drive

Sukuna Takes Over Megumi

Little Talks: Of Monsters and Men

ilomilo: Billie Eilish

Running Up That Hill: Kate Bush

Mr. Loverman: Ricky Montgomery

All I Wanted: Paramore

_________________________________

_____________________________________________

Fushiguro's pov

First Interaction/impression

Use Somebody: Kings of Leon

I Want You: Savage Garden

I Want You Around: Snoh Aalegra

Amazing: Rex Orange County

Cursed Womb

Angel of Mine: Monica

Let You Break My Heart Again: Laufey

Watching Itadori Die

When The Sun Hits: Slowdrive

Watching Him Fade Away: Mac DeMarco

Fade Into You: Mazzy Star

Heart To Heart: Mac DeMarco

The Ghost Of You: My Chemical Romance

Itadori’s ‘dead’ phase

Star: Mitski

When You’re Gone: The Cranberries

See You Again: Tyler, The Creator

Show Me How: Men I Trust

I Think I Like When It Rains: WILLIS

Telephones: Vacations

Kyoto Goodwill Event: Itadori's Surprised Resurrection

Here Comes Your Man: Pixies

For The First Time: Mac DeMarco

IFHY: Tyler, The Creator

By Your Side: Sade

At Your Best (You Are Loved): Aaliyah

Kyoto Goodwill Event: Battles

Buddy Holly: Weezer

Drive ME crazy: Lil Yachty

Adore you: Miley Cyrus

Death Painting Arc

Black Friday: Tom Odell

Angel: Brent Faiyaz

Sunflower: Rex Orange County

Loving Is Easy: Rex Orange County

Best Friend: Laufey

Here With Me: D4vd

Shibuya Accident

Tongue Tied: Grouplove

Always Forever: Cults

Itadori's Extermination

Time After Time: Cyndi Lauper

Remedy: Adele

Hate To See Your Heart Break: Paramore

You Get What You Give: New Radicals

Culling Game

Blue Hair: TV Girl

Everyone Adores You (at least I do): Matt Maltese

Collide: Howie Day

THE SHADE: Rex Orange County

Little Talks: Of Monsters and Men

Sukuna Takes Over

ilomilo: Billie Eilish

In The Darkness: Clara La San

Broken: Lifehouse

When It’s Cold I’d Like To Die: Moby, Mimi Goese

Doomed: Moses Sumney

Bring Me To Life: Evanescence

_____________________________________________

if you guys like SatoSugu just wait 😋🤞🏽

[solarmidnight]

Chreon Fic Rec List!

As promised, here is my Chreon fic rec list. Please leave a comment and kudos to show these authors some love!

If you are a fanfic author and find your fic on this list and you'd like it removed, please message me and I will remove it immediately.

Please make sure to read the tags for each fic for warnings/triggers.

Be My Remedy by tirsynni (8K)

When Leon agrees to do a favor for Chris, he should have expected everything to go to hell. At least this time he isn't alone when the mission is done.

Persona Non Grata by Yuu_chi (26k)

A no strings attached arrangement with the love of your life seems like a good idea right up until you realize he's in love with somebody else.

you don't fare well without me by realpoutydadsurvives (23k)

Leon shuddered a breath out of his frozen lungs and asked numbly, “Why do you hate me?” There was a quiet more invasive than the deadly silence of the world beyond the walls protecting them and Leon hated himself for being so stupid— stupid fucking Kennedy saying shit he wasn’t supposed to say— fumbling for a way to cover up his fuck up, when Chris’s low voice broke the silence, saying, “I don’t hate you, Leon. I never have.” “Liar,” Leon accused softly into the darkness of their warm refuge. “You’re a f-fucking liar.”

fate changed (we keep loving as if the story isn't over yet) by fonulyn (note: past relationship Piers/Leon) (34k)

In hindsight, Leon knew the second he opened the door and saw Chris standing there, dressed in his service uniform, mouth pinched to a grim line and unable to meet Leon’s gaze straight. There was only one logical reason for it, only one way to explain why he was standing there like he would rather be anywhere else, and Leon almost slammed the door right in his face. “Leon, I…” Chris started, suddenly forgetting every single word he’d prepared. “Piers. He…” he trailed off, and risked a glance at Leon, who was standing there like a statue. It was like he wasn’t even breathing, with the way he was staring at Chris. “He saved my life. He saved Sherry. And he saved Jake. Hell, he probably saved the whole world, but he—” “Don’t.” - Or the one wherein no one really knows how to handle their grief, but somehow life goes on anyway.

Chris by Any Other Name by leftid (30k)

“Christopher Adam Redfield,” the rookie said, admonishingly. “You clean up your mess this instant.” “Who?” was Chris’ reply. ———————— Leon Scott Kennedy takes pity on Christopher ‘No-Middle-Name’ Redfield, and spends the next several years they know each other trying to find one. Technically it’s a series of 26 drabbles spanning from RE1 to RE8. A small line of plot managed to sneak into this episodic series.

Cocksucker by r3zuri (note: also features Krauser/Leon) (12k)

When Leon is ten, he tells his parents that girls are gross and he’s never getting married. They tell him he’ll change his mind when he’s older.

Collide by NovelNormandy (8k)

“Oops,” Chris says and Leon huffs a surprised laugh, now using his grip on Chris’s arm and the back of his neck to help hold his weight. “Sorry.” Leon shrugs, looking back at him. “It’s from IKEA.” “So what do I owe you, like 38 bucks?” Leon adjusts his hold on Chris, wrapping his legs firmly around the other man’s hips. “Can think of another way you can get me back.”

Welcome Back by nanaa127 (5k)

After an extended mission, Leon unexpectedly shows up at a conference Chris is attending. Chris is happy to see him. Very, very happy.

New Rookie by leonsknife (6K)

There's a new rookie at the R.P.D. and he's caught Chris' attention.

who am i after tasting you? by chthonicheart (38K)

“I fear the entire floor might have heard us last night,” Chris starts. Leon’s ears start ringing. What? “Yeah, I know. The server told me to tell you he gives us his ‘sincerest congratulations.’” “Christ,” Leon mutters, mostly to himself. “If only this complimentary breakfast came with complimentary mimosas.” 

One Tomorrow at a Time by Requiem (37K)

During the fight with Arias, Leon gets infected and turns into a B.O.W. Chris is not giving up on him that easily.

as i drown in irresistible love by FireandLightning (5K)

It's a late night at the BSAA offices when Chris receives a text from Leon containing a photo of Leon himself next to... Chris can get very, very jealous of people flirting with Leon sometimes. Leon knows just how to turn that jealousy to his advantage, especially for when he wants to get literally demolished and punished suitably by Chris Redfield.

[xivou]

Peeling Oranges !

Blade x fem! reader, angst, not proofread, inspiration; "Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman" by Haruki Murakami. word count; 1121.

note. how tf is this 1121 words?? I'm not even proud of this one to begin with </3 I'm running out of ideas, if anyone has something on mind, please do sent a request in my inbox, thank you!

Immortality is a façade, a divine fruit, a false paradise, a hell in disguise, growth for a long life’s curse, a benevolent blessing, flowing to an inevitable destiny graver than demise.

( take it from those who have witnessed it. )

Immortality is a façade, and Blade perceives as it flows from your hand. As you bask in the veins of this immortality, as it slithers to the confines of your heart.

How did he permit you into his life, anyway? He does not recall; everything is bemused.

Unlike him, you are one wandering, delicate soul. And he is a canine beast, anticipating the precise opportunity to unleash, and in scarce instants of quietude, plagued by the slaughtered and despondency.

Blade is mostly tedious; isolated in his thoughts, distant, and as still as a statue, his presence equivalent to his absence. Perhaps, it is that he’s a fugitive that he returns to your refuge or his veiled desire for consolement; although your paths to immortality are contrary.

( Immortality is not hideous, you say, smiling. Yet he thinks that smile appears downcast. )

Blade became an abomination before you. He did not divulge to you how it occurred, nor did you divulge your case to him. But he knows better than to ask, for the answers lie before him.

It is evident because the arms you craved were never his, the touch you craved was never his, the love you craved was never his, the kisses you craved were never his, the intimacy you craved was never his— but that of somebody else; a lover long deceased.

It is evident in the transparent clarity of your eyes, that deep wound of unforeseen deception. Perhaps, you prefer to keep to yourself and never fully open up to him—to heal, you fixate on that wound and prevent another from occurring.

( such wounds to the heart will probably never heal, but we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever. )

You did not entail him as a remedy to cure—your remedy is within, deep inside your core, where you decipher the issue by yourself, where you decipher who you are. His presence near you is merely adequate; a shoulder to lie on. And whilst you strive to live, heal, and grow, he desires to wither, and never grasp the sun.

( one March afternoon, Blade finds you settled at the dining table.

‘Sit,’ you tell him. ‘I’ll peel you some oranges.’

He hums and pulls a chair for himself.

The kitchen is fairly small—before him is the entrance, permitting a view towards the foyer and living room. Along the left side, a refrigerator with diverse coloured notes stuck to it, a stove, and a sink line up the vinyl counter. Right where the sink is positioned, the sun rays emerge through the drawn curtains of the windowpane. Cabinets hovered above, extending along the walls. The cabinets below, confined cooking supplies, whilst the ones above were full of ingredients such as flour, sugar, rice, and others.

I’ve got on my mind that I am too scared to speak.

A pleasant warmth adorns this awkwardness. Blade observes as you gingerly peel an orange and its pith; a simple act of love. He averts his gaze towards a jar before you, with Zelkova leaves inside.

‘what’s that?’ he enquires.

‘a firefly,’ you reply. ‘I caught it wandering last night, at the front yard.’

Blade draws the jar over. At the bottom of the jar, there is a firefly, it attempts to crawl up the glass, and falls over, flexing its minuscule feet.

It’s been a while since last he glimpsed a firefly. )

The firefly’s radiance is hazier and much fainter than he recalls, no longer crisp. Perhaps, the issue was not with the firefly, but with his recollection— perhaps, fireflies never radiated that vividly as in his imagination, perhaps, his surroundings were opaque, perhaps, the elapsing of time affected his recollection.

Gazing at the firefly provides him with a bitter aftertaste, a perplexing sensation that boils beneath his skin. And albeit he seals his eyes, the afterglow of it lingers. It plagues him.

He does not divulge it to you; you could never perceive it his way.

Blade’s life is merely a firefly—a departed soul that leaves him in a ceaseless sequence of melancholy. And he stands, gazing at the person who he once was, who died along the reminiscences of the High Cloud Quintet, a Sword Champion master who endowed him with the secrets of her teachings before succumbing to Mara, an ace pilot who shattered the defences of the Denizens of Abundance, a High Elder he has aided in the cause of his anguish, and a general who remains as the sole reminiscence. It gradually crumbles in the flames of his forge, slipping through his fingers, gone with the wind.

( it all fleets akin to a firefly, a dazzling, hazy flicker before his eyes. )

Everything is strange. Akin to repetitive discord scorching his confines, it fabricates a hollow and the devoid sensation within remains.

The memories ground to a halt right there. Recovering from the past, peeling oranges, the firefly in the jar. He attempts to recall what occurred after. Blade rests his head in his hands, burrowing into layers of a garden of recollections. Somewhere in a downcast realm, surrounded by darkness and forgotten vows and dreams.

He visualizes his final night with you; you crammed under his arm, slumbering, his fingers unravelling the knots in your hair, picturing colourful strings hanging from the ceiling, somewhere, in a far room per usual, but with this consoling warmth that adorned this hush.

( at first, picturing these strings was quite confusing, all he knew was that there was a room and there were strings. What is that? He could never reach an answer with complete conviction. And now, he became accustomed to it. )

Though it all appears too surreal, akin to some allegory.

( close your eyes; things become vivid. )

All sorts of sounds and voices blend like smoke enveloping the place. Blade glances around, at the two girls bent over the table, drinking orange juice, at the sparrows that chirp and fly above, at the few deserted tennis courts, at the zelkova trees, with a glimpse of the ocean through the ocean, at the waves that rippled along the May breeze.

The scene is quite familiar, as if he had seen it, many years before.

( … but it is an illusion. It is vivid enough; an intense sense of real. Time feels stagnant. )

( ‘Wake me up from this dream.’

‘I feel like that's what you said last night.’ )

jemvia, 2024. do not copy, share, repost, or re-upload my work on any website without prior consent.

[pos-syscourse]

Saturday Songs!

The Worlds Smallest Violin by AJR

The message of this song isn’t too hard to see; it’s one of the things I’ve always liked about early ANR. The message is there, right in front of you.

A lot of us are suffering out here. And a lot of us try to compare that suffering. I think it’s in some ways done for a need to validate our experiences. After all, if we suffered more than others, doesn’t that explain why we’re struggling?

But like the song says.

Somewhere in the universe / Somewhere someone's got it worse / Wish that made it easier / Wish I didn't feel the hurt

We can always find someone out there whose life is worse. We can always make up somebody in our head who had worse experiences, a harder time, more valid suffering.

But does that negate the validity of our own? No!!

Regardless of how small your problems may feel, they’re still problems, and they still deserve to be heard and resolved. Acknowledged and cared for. You deserve good things, regardless of how valid you may feel your worth is.

The thing I love most about this song is that it ends with the admission that the singer is singing to an audience.

I know I'm not there mentally / But you could be the remedy / So let me play my violin for you

We need help sometimes. Sometimes, we need to play our violins — we need to share our problems — and that can help us. If we can’t help ourselves in that moment.

Please. Let this post be a reminder to ask for help with your struggles. It will make the problems easier. 💜 You aren’t alone.

[kousaka-ayumu]

TWs: this may contain SA and r@pe in the trivia.

Raymond Aegis

Nickmakes: Raymond(all), future meat(Yuzu), Aegis-shi(Idia), Aegis-san(Ortho), Raymond-kun(Sonomi), Belle chèvre(Rook)

Twisted from: Bubba Bubbaphant(Poppy Playtime), Eclair Cookie(Cookie Run Kingdom), Toya(Project Sekai).

Voice Claim: Itou Kent

Age: 16

DOB: 3/21

Height: 189cm

Species: Goat beastman

Homeland: Sunset Savanna

Family:

Diane(Mother: Deceased)

Kaito(Father)

Yoruko(Step-mother)

Dorm: Ignihyde

Class 1-C(No.4)

Club: Science

Hobby: Reading books in the library, collecting stones.

Likes: Peace and quiet, studying.

Dislikes: swearing, being interrupted, Bernice annoying the daylights out of him, Yuzu trying to seduce him.

Pet Peeve: People mistaken him for a sheep.

Favorite food: Chicken soup.

Least favorite food: Vegetables.

Favorite drink: Water.

"A third year Ignihyde student who is a very intelligent young man who is an inventor, please don't interrupt his studies, he doesn't like it."

Appearance

Raymond is a young boy with long grayish blue hair tied to a braid and bright blue eyes.

Background

Raymond was born in a really rich family in Sunset Savanna, his father was the CEO of a company while his mother was an inventor for machinery, he was never close with his father due to his job but was very close with his mother to the point of wanting to be a inventor just like her but sadly his mother passed away due to a young age.

Later his father married a fashion designer named Yoruko a few months after Diana's death, and his father want him to quit being an inventor so that he could train to be a CEO but he didn't want that.

Personality

Raymond is a very calm and quiet boy who perfer spending his time studying in the library than making friends but is also a somebody who had a strong mind.

His face was usually blank so nobody could tell his expressions, but people like Kaida and Jamil can.

He was usually mistaken as rude often which he often corrects. Although he took a bit of pride of being androgynous.

Unique Magic: Lemongrass Spirit

It allows him to resurrect a dead person although it's only their spirit not physically resurrecting them.

Trivia

He has a academically rivalry with Jamil and Azul.

He like tutoring.

Whenever he wasn't studying, he would often take a walk in the courtyard, or playing the violin.

Vil have wondered why is this man end up at Ignihyde instead of Pomefiore.

He was put to sleep by Samara once, overworking himself for the remedial exam.

He felt frustrated whenever all his hard work went in vein.

He sees Bernice as a little sister though he doesn't admit it.

He was SAd and r@pe by Yuzu once, he never told anyone.

He had a strained relationship with his father.

Her get offended whenever people got history wrong.

What do you guys think about him?

@zexal-club @yukii0nna @anxious-twisted-vampire

Oh and @anxious-twisted-vampire remember Minako died in the bad end route, well he can revive her but only her spirit.

[iwashieonhiatus]

BLUE LOCK FACULTY AS BREAKUP SONGS pt5

📌 lavinho, loki julian, chris prince, noel noa, marc snuffy, ego jinpachi, anri teieri

︶ ︶ ︶    ୨୧ ︶ ︶ ︶ warnings- breakup songs that I think suits the Blue Lock people. (pt1 here, pt2 here, pt3 here, pt4 here. open requests!)

✦LAVINHO- BOY'S A LIAR PT2/ PINKPANTHERESS & ICE SPICE

Take a look inside your heart, is there any room for me? I won't have to hold my breath 'til you get down on one knee Because you only want to hold me when I'm looking good enough Did you ever feel me? Would you ever picture us? What's the point of crying? It was never even love Did you ever want me? Was I ever good enough? The-the boy's a liar, the boy's a liar He doesn't see ya, you're not looking at me, boy....

✧LOKI JULIAN- IF I COULD FLY/ 1D

If I could fly I'd be coming right back home to you I think I might Give up everything, just ask me to Pay attention, I hope that you listen 'Cause I let my guard down Right now I'm completly defenceless For your eyes only I'll show you my heart For when you're lonely And forget who you are I'm missing half of me When we're apart Now you know me For your eyes only...

★CHRIS PRINCE- RECKLESS/ MADISON BEER

This chapter's about How you said there was nobody else Then you got up and went to her house You guys always left me out I still have the letter you wrote When you told me that I was the only girl You'd ever want in your life I guess my friends were right Each day goes by and each night, I cry Somebody saw you with her last night You gave me your word, "Don't worry 'bout her" You might love her now, but you loved me first Said you'd never hurt me, but here we are Oh, you swore on every star How could you be so reckless with my heart? You check in and out Of my heart like a hotel And she must be perfect, oh well I hope you both go to hell...

《NOEL NOA- I LOVE YOU SO/ THE WALTERS

I'm gonna pack my things and leave you behind This feeling's old and I know that I've made up my mind I hope you feel what I felt when you shattered my soul 'Cause you were cruel and I'm a fool So, please let me go But I love you so (please let me go) I love you so (please let me go)

❱MARC SNUFFY- DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS/ TAYLOR SWIFT

'Cause saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts Flashbacks waking me up I get drunk, but it's not enough 'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up Chandelier still flickering here 'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not It's death by a thousand cuts....

✩EGO JINPACHI- WE WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE TOGETHER/ SOMBERBLOOM

I was too stubborn And i made excuses Thought I could keep you If I didn't admit that We were never meant to be together This was never gonna be a fairytale Even though I know that this is over I can't figure out why it still hurts like hell Ah We were never meant to be together....

✿ANRI TEIERI- I SUNK IN ALL THE MEMORIES/ VANCOUVER SLEEP CLINIC

I sunk in all the memories You've woven around my deepest dreams Your voice a haunting melody And I hear it calling out to me tonight And I'm falling through the sky To the angel's song Diving deep into the night Because love You're still the only one Who makes my heart burn like the sun And the remedy of your touch Would leave the deepest cut And love It couldn't be unsung No matter where I run The avalanche will come It comes, I let it come....

-------

I'm thinking of doing a version with love songs with some of the boys, if you want to leave the opinion I appreciate!:)

[glettokono]

Jack and Jesse found the new room in the Bureau with flying pages, which definitely belongs to the only writer here - Alan Wake.

 oh yeah that one headcanon that the end of time exists and Jack cannot do anything because Alan Wake didn’t want to end this story because he understands that this characters and universe doesn't fit him anymore. if you read all the pages - you are a hero xd

somebody write fanfiction!! why there is NO remedy crossowers fancintion??? i know nobody needs it BUT PLEASE

[feverishly-kpop]

Chenle and NCT Dream - Not Wanting To Be Alone

It wasn’t that Chenle didn’t like living alone. In fact he loved it - the independence, no loud, messy roommates, extra space. The list could go on and on. But there was one caveat: Chenle didn’t like living alone when he was sick.

He hadn’t woken up feeling his best but, after a long day of filming, he was now feeling absolutely pitiful. He had secretly hoped that somebody would notice how pale he looked or how he shivered as chills washed up and down his spine but nobody had. Chenle couldn’t blame them though. They were all exhausted from back to back schedules and focused on themselves as they should be. And although Chenle was too proud to come out and admit that he was sick he also was dreading the idea of going home to an empty house.

“I’m going to come over tonight” Chenle told Jeno as they packed their belongings. It was far from being out of the ordinary for Chenle to invite himself over leaving Jeno none the wiser to his dongsaeng’s condition. Jeno only nodded, confirming that he had heard Chenle as they walked to the van to head home.

*~*~*~*~*~

“Please, can I shower first?” Chenle whined as the rest of the members groaned.

“If you really wanted to shower first then you should have gone home then came over here” Renjun replied with a shrug as he stepped into the washroom. They had all agreed on the order to shower earlier that morning before they knew that Chenle would be coming back with them so Chenle would simply have to wait his turn.

Accepting defeat he flopped down on the far end of the couch with his arms crossed, refusing to make eye contact with any of the other members. They all took notice, of course, but they were all too exhausted to say or do anything about it, a fact that only further frustrated Chenle. He knew he was being petulant and childish but he didn’t care. He was sick and he wanted to be grumpy and he wanted somebody to coddle him. And he wanted somebody to do it without him having to ask. Was that too much to ask?

“Want to play a game?” Jisung asked quietly, finally breaking the awkward silence after several minutes. Chenle just shook his head and rested his head on the arm rest. “Well then you can’t say I didn’t try” Jisung responded as he left Chenle, opting instead to wait for his shower in his room.

*~*~*~*~*~

As time wore on Chenle’s frustration was quickly giving way to exhaustion and discomfort much to his dismay. Jaemin was the first to sit down next to him, very much of the opinion that things were only awkward if you allowed them be awkward.

Running a towel through his freshly washed hair, Jaemin joined Chenle on the couch. “Stop being crabby. Everybody will be done showering soon enough. Jisung was the last after me, then it’ll be your turn.”

Chenle didn’t acknowledge a word that Jaemin said and burrowed his face further into the couch. Sure, he was still sour over having to wait for a shower despite how sick he was feeling, but at this point his eyes and head were pulsing with pain and the sound of Jaemin’s voice only made it worse.

Jaemin rolled his eyes. “If you were going to ignore everybody and be this way then you should have just gone back to your house. There’s more than one of us here, we had to learn how to share. Sorry that you’ve never had to learn that yourself.”

They were words spoken out of annoyance, Chenle understood that. But it still didn’t make them any less painful. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes, making him far too embarrassed to raise his head now. After a few moments Jaemin stood up and headed to bed, no longer interested in trying to remedy the situation with Chenle.

*~*~*~*~*~

By the time it was finally Chenle’s turn in the shower the rest of the members had already turned in. They all knew a volatile situation when they saw one and frankly nobody wanted to deal with it.

The silence made Chenle even more emotional than he already was. On one hand, without the chatter and sounds of the others rummaging around the kitchen the ache in his head had dulled a bit. But on the other hand it was an obvious reminder that he royally pissed off his friends.

No matter how high he turned the water temperature up he couldn’t seem to ward off the chill that had been coming in waves through the day. He trembled as the water poured over his head and his tears ran down his face. He couldn’t remember a time when he had felt so sick or when he had felt so alienated from the very people that he was closest to.

Chenle considered leaving once he was dressed. It was clear that there would be no games, no movies, no hanging out and joking around. The silence of his empty home would have been greatly preferred over the silence of an apartment full of people that were too annoyed to talk to him. Despite that, however, his body carried him in the opposite direction from the front door. Instead he found himself subconsciously gravitating toward a certain hyung’s bedroom and opening the door.

Standing in the open doorway he laid his eyes on his sleeping hyung, unsure if he should wake him or turn around and walk out before he could do any further damage for the night. But his desperate need for comfort pushed the rest of his thoughts away as he wandered toward the bed and pulled back the blankets to crawl in.

He could feel his hyung flinch in surprise before he rolled over to inspect who had taken up residence in his bed with him. For a moment Chenle was convinced that he was about to get kicked out, but then his hyung’s eyes focused.

“Chenle, what’s wrong?”

He immediately felt comfort from the Mandarin words being spoken by Renjun. Chenle didn’t respond but snuggled in closer to Renjun. Renjun leaned away from his touch making Chenle gasp lightly until he realized that he was just flicking on the small light on his bedside table.

“You’re eyes are red and puffy” Renjun said, his voice laced with concern. “What’s going on? Why are you crying?”

And then the tears started again.

Chenle hadn’t meant to start crying but between the care in Renjun’s tone and the relief he felt to have somebody paying attention to him, he lost what little control his illness had left him over his emotions.

This time Renjun sat up in bed and cupped Chenle’s face in his hands, trying to get a better look at him.

“Lele you feel so warm. Are you feeling okay?” Renjun asked, moving a hand to Chenle’s burning forehead. Chenle simply shook his head in response.

Renjun quickly pulled the covers back and left his bed before immediately returning with a thermometer.

“I’m so sorry” Chenle choked out, followed by a sob. Renjun shook his head as he ran a hand across Chenle’s cheek, catching a rogue tear.

“It’s okay. It’s no big deal. Let me check your temperature” Renjun interjected before giving Chenle a moment to catch his breath so he could slip the thermometer under his tongue.

After a couple of beeps Renjun checked the reading and sighed. “No wonder you were so cranky. You’re at 38.5°. Did you take anything?”

Chenle shook his head in response before leaving once again, this time returning with a glass of water and some tablets.

“These will help get your fever down” Renjun said quietly as he shook a couple tablets into Chenle’s outstretched hand.

It took a few more minutes for Chenle to calm down enough to drift back to sleep but, once he was finally out, Renjun dreaded the idea of waking him again by lying down next to him. Instead he grabbed an extra blanket from his closet and headed for the couch.

*~*~*~*~*~

Jeno was the first one up the following morning and was surprised to find Renjun asleep in the common area. Renjun was quickly woken by the sound of Jeno filling up the coffee pot.

“Sorry to wake you” Jeno said gruffly, running a hand through his disheveled hair. “Why’re you sleeping out here?”

Renjun was about to respond but was interrupted the sound of an opening door immediately followed by an exhausted and flushed Chenle entering the kitchen. Jeno smiled sadly, immediately understanding what was going on, and stretched his arms out allowing Chenle to collapse heavily against his chest before wrapping his arms around him tightly.

“I’m sorry for being an ass” Chenle muttered into Jeno’s sweater. Jeno rubbed his back a few times before responding.

“Don’t apologize. But please tell us when you’re sick next time” Jeno said before clutching Chenle by the shoulders and looking him over. “Clearly no work for you today” he said with a degree of finality that had Renjun nodding in agreement.

“Hyung will get you back to bed, I’ll make you some tea” Renjun added, indicating for Jeno to put Chenle back to bed in his room.

*~*~*~*~*~

By the time Chenle’s tea was ready Jeno had gotten Chenle comfortable in Renjun’s bed again before checking his temperature and confirming he was still running a fever.

“Take a few sips, then back to sleep” Renjun instructed as he took a seat next to Chenle on the bed and handed him the mug. Once Renjun was satisfied that Chenle had had enough to drink he returned it to his bedside table and allowed Chenle to lay down next to him.

“I don’t want to be alone” Chenle said quietly, resting his head against Renjun’s chest.

“I’m not going anywhere” Renjun replied, running a hand against Chenle’s shoulder. “Now it’s time to sleep.”

[gaypastabake]

Explanation-isms

Really need to talk about my style, writing and in general. I have autism (Shocker I know), and because of my autism and a mixture of mental health issues on top of that, everything I do is different from the way allot of other people do. The way I phrase myself, the way I talk to people, the way I write, the way I draw, the way I even think is just wildly different than other people both online and offline (worse offline let me tell ya). In case you read my fic (Lemon Sorbet Sunshine) and noticed how strange my writing style is, that's why- I genuinely struggle to think and write like a normal person. I have always done things in a way that nobody but me understands without realising (people tell me that's how I know), I don't know how to remedy that unfortunately.

You might wonder why not just get a proof reader? First off I'm terrified of online interaction with people I don't know IRL (Its an irrational fear, please be patient with me), second off I actually think my strange rambling style suits the narrative. Lemon Sorbet Sunshine, Popsicle and anything to do with Popsicle is a product of my own fandom related daydreams, daydreams of which occur when I space off into my own world- a trait I have because of my autism. Scenarios I make in my head involving Popsicle are often a coping mechanism when I'm bored or overwhelmed, and I often put my own struggles onto Popsicle because its something I can imagine based on my own experiences. While I don't consider Popsicle as a version of "me," Popsicle experiences most of my struggles- autism and mental health related, even my own romantic fantasies. In a sense the very creation and existence of Popsicle and the fic are because of my weird autistic train of thought. It may be confusing to other people, but I write what I write because I enjoy it, and I upload purely on the idea that maybe somebody like me can enjoy it. Everything I do is just un-apologetically me.

Thank you for reading, I've been struggling a bit as of late but I'm actually doing much better right now :)

[presidentbungus]

when engy was like 6 in a science class he heard the money phrase “sound energy lets us hear things” and he was like what. what is sound energy. how does that work. what. and the teacher was like please be quiet and he went home and (4 years old) spent the entire night reading about the mechanics of sound and then how molecules themselves work and he walked into class the next day having an entire lecture prepared about quantum mechanics. he got recess detention for being a disturbance, which wasnt a big deal since he usually just sat under the playset and read anyway, but it’s about the principle. you know?

it drives him UP THE FUCKING WALL that when people say they’re “teaching him things” they mean they’re going to tell him a very small little piece of the actual truth and then just leave it. and sometimes this isn’t from a plain old lack of knowledge but a lack of CARING which is BONKERS to him. engy lives and breathes knowledge. learning is the reason he exists. it’s insane to him that somebody could find a piece of the fact and just… never follow up? be fine with knowing a tiny fraction of the truth? like what the fuck is up with that

this is a concept he mostly applied to math and science but he also found it convenient to use for reference in interpersonal relationships, which is to say that people never say what they mean and if they do, it’s never enough to draw a good conclusion. and unlike math and science, there’s not mountains of literature on any particular person’s feelings or general outlook on life.

this is a problem engineer attempted to remedy through extensive research on human psychology, but he just found a lot of vague, subjective presumptions, and not really many facts. it’s the subjectivity that kills him. math has answers. science takes time, but you can wrestle firm objective facts out of it if you take the time. people do not have any surefire method or way of interaction, and actually a lot of folks don’t seem to care about hard facts at all. he has autism. that’s it. I’ll finish this later

[idontknowreallywhy]

Estera - Ch 24 - Drive

Another one of those chapters which should never have existed but a few little snapshots just blossomed out of my control and before I knew it I loved them and they became Vital For Plot Reasons. Ah well, enjoy the meandering anyway :D

(What went before)

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Estera’s boot hit a loose patch of stones and she skidded slightly, putting out a protective arm just in case she was about to face plant the ground. Almost immediately a hand caught that arm and lifted her square on to her feet. She turned to see her friend alongside her on the narrow path, eyes full of concern. The edge of the cliff crumbled a little under his foot and her heart stopped for a moment.

“Scott! It’s not wide enough!”

He hopped back in line behind her and she regained the ability to breathe.

Mostly.

Eventually.

That particular flavour of adrenaline was not one she craved but she was beginning to wonder whether it was one she might have to get used to.

The group finally reached the car park to meet Gary on the quad bike who had towed the kit trailer up the long way from the beach. They all set to unloading and eventually Scott and three others lifted the quad itself into the back of van.

He walked over to where Estera was doling out the last bottles of sugary carbonated beverages to the rest of the group. He wiped the grease from his hands on to his trousers before selecting a bottle of water and draining it. Then swiped his forehead with the back of his hand.

“Well that’s one way to warm up after freezing your butt off in the Arctic Ocean.”

“As I’ve already told you, Mr Remedial-Geography, The English Channel is very much temperate.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever.” He removed his warm jumper and Estera nearly choked on her cherry cola as she realised Scott hadn’t just turned up in randomly fancy trousers.

“A silk waistcoat? Really?!”

He pouted. “I was here for a Board Meeting! SOMEBODY didn’t mention the nature of their “commitment” when inviting me along!”

“In fairness Dawn didn’t give me a lot of time to explain.”

“Ah, yeah… sorry about Dawn… she…”

“She was lovely.” Estera said firmly, not wanting to get the enthusiastic young person into any trouble.

She looked again at the trousers which had clearly suffered from being drowned in salt water earlier and were drying into a faded mess of wrinkles.

“That is not a cheap machine washable suit from the high street is it?”

He coughed. “I don’t recall Jennifer mentioning that as a feature, err, no.”

Her curiosity must have showed as he hurried to explain. “My EA at TI. Apparently the selection of ‘business attire appropriate to my position’” the air quotes were heavy “is not one of my strengths so I just let her get on with it.”

“She’s not going to be happy with you.”

“Hmm… I’ve done worse. And hey, the pants might be a lost cause but the shirt will wash, I cleverly left the jacket in the car and the vest is spotless, look!” He held the edges of the waistcoat out for her approval, much as a small child might show off how tidily they had eaten their dinner. Estera was about to wittily point this out when she was arrested by an ominous “whoopsadaisy!” and an unmistakable fizzing sound as the person standing behind Scott clearly forgot about what happened to cola bottles on quad bikes. A fine spray of sugary drink settled over both of them and Scott looked up from his now-slightly-less spotless clothing to catch her eye. She bit her lip and snorted slightly. There was a beat and then both of them dissolved into giggles.

“Tez! A word?!”

Gary underlined his sharp summons with a frantic waving of his iPad. Scott elbowed her gleefully:

“Oooooh, what did you do now, huh, Tez?

“Argh, please don’t adopt that one” she gasped, trying to compose herself “I haven’t the heart to tell them it’s awful… but… it’s awful!”

Scott’s eyes sparkled mischievously as Gary repeated his call with a desperate, slightly cracked edge to his voice so she had mercy and went to see what was bothering him.

Gary gesticulated wildly with the tablet, nearly taking her eye out.

“DID YOU KNOW?” he hissed.

“Did I know what?”

He stabbed his index finger at the screen which showed what appeared to be Scott Tracy’s Wikipedia page.

“Ah. Um, so… err… yes?”

“Are you telling me I made the Chief Thunderbird… the guy with the jet pack and all the… the insane stunts… I made HIM do the BEGINNER’S E-LEARNING?” Gary’s voice had risen to a barely audible squeak.

“I don’t think he minded?”

“I was giving him tips on judging the windspeed at the top, Tez.” Gary looked as if he was going to cry “What if they were bad tips? He flies a rocket plane… my kids have posters of him on their wall…” he whacked the iPad repeatedly into his forehead and groaned “They are gonna disown me.”

Estera tried to prise the tablet from his hands before he cracked the screen with his face.

“Everything ok over here?” Scott materialised behind Gary and the poor man froze, all colour immediately vanishing from his face.

“Gary was just telling me that his kids are huge fans of yours.”

The slightest frown crossed Scott’s face before he closed his eyes and chuckled “I forgot to use the pseudonym didn’t I? Oops. Sorry to have caused any alarm!”

Gary shook his head mutely and gave a double thumbs up, losing his grip on the iPad as he did so. Scott shot out a hand and caught it.

“May I borrow this for a second?”

Gary nodded furiously then covered his face with his hands. Scott tapped the screen a couple of times before raising his eyebrows in surprise. He hurriedly straightened his hair then cleared his throat and said:

“Scott Tracy here, reporting from the breathtaking Beer Head in Devonshire UK. I’ve been refreshing my skills today with this incredible instructor” he dragged Gary into shot “who is an absolute legend and if he ever told me to clean my room or get my homework done I would absolutely do that. Straight away. Thunderbird One out.”

He finished with a wink and handed the tablet back and clapped Gary on the shoulder. “Been a pleasure to meet you, Gary, thanks for letting me take part this afternoon. Hope I wasn’t too much trouble.”

“You’re welcome” came the slightly breathy response. Estera noted the starry eyes and felt they’d best get out of there before Gary did something drastic… like propose.

“Coffee?”

“Thought you’d never ask.”

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

They made it to the cafe as the barista was putting the chairs up on the tables. Without looking round she informed them it was still too early in the season to expect late opening and her shift had finished 10 mins ago. Scott, already trying to remember whether there’d been any other likely places he’d passed on the drive down, smiled kindly as the harassed-looking woman looked up and he thanked her anyway.

“Wait! I guess I could do you something to take away?”

Estera seemed most entertained by the sudden change of heart but Scott couldn’t quite figure out why. Maybe it was a local thing.

Two triple shot cappuccinos (and a “Really? Triple? Are you sure?”) later, they were stood at the bus stop trying to establish whether it was running late, or Estera had just missed it. The wind had got up and she was now shivering in her damp clothes despite him insisting she wear his big coat.

“I could always drop you back home or… or near home?” He offered tentatively, not wanting to overstep given how upset she’d been before. “Or anywhere you like really.”

“Oh, but it would be a long way out of your way…”

“Not really. I’m not in a rush. And it is my fault you got soaked earlier.”

“That may be true…” she seemed to ponder and looked over at the digital tracker which was now displaying 55 minutes. She shivered and lifted her jaw. “Um, yes please, if you really don’t mind?”

“Come on then. Hope I picked the model with heated seats!”

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Scott hummed to himself quietly as he drove. Estera watched the hedges fly by and wondered how long it had been since she’d accepted a lift from someone like this. She generally felt safer taking the bus so this was… different. Not that she felt in any way unsafe, now. Just, exposed. What was one meant to do as a passenger? Talk about frivolous subjects to pass the time but not distract the driver too much, she reasoned. All small talk fled from her head and she suddenly felt inadequate and a little dizzy. Her hands tightened reflexively around the coffee cup.

“You doing ok?”

Just as before when he’d asked that simple question in that same disarmingly soft voice, she was unable to quickly formulate a convincing lie and the truth leaked out before she realised it.

“Just a sudden giddy moment.”

“I’m not making you motion sick, am I? I’ll slow down.”

“You’re fine, honestly. I just… let my thoughts get away from me. Please don’t let me distract you.”

“You’re not distracting me.”

She noticed he’d slowed down anyway.

She watched him out the corner of her eye and realised with a jolt how much better he looked than the last time she’d seen him in the flesh. Or rather, perhaps, how ill he had looked before. Whereas on the day the cave collapsed on them she’d guessed he was in his 40s, he now seemed no older than she was, possibly a little younger. Aside from the scattered silver at his temple, slightly darker shadowed eyes and a certain leanness to his jawline, he really didn’t seem much different now to the young man who had saved her life the first time. Which was slightly eerie. She knew she’d aged a lot in the intervening period.

She found herself wondering again what it was he’d been recovering from, what illness could have hit him so hard. He’d not volunteered the information, in fact he’d very obviously skated around naming it so it would be rude to ask. It was gnawing at her for some reason though. Definitely not light hearted car conversation anyway so she cast about for something else.

They came out of the trees and for a moment the early evening light highlighted the edge of the fading yellow bruise across the left side of his cheek and head. In the absence of any other ideas, she said:

“It must have been a very impressive black eye you had there?”

“Ugh can you still tell? It seems to have taken an age to fade this time. Maybe I’m getting old” he chuckled.

“This time? It happens a lot?”

“Heh… occupational hazard. I think Virgil’s broken more bones but I’ve probably got the concussion record.”

“Goodness that’s a bit worrying. Don’t you have helmets to help prevent that?”

“Yeeees. Sometimes even with it on if something heavy hits you…”

“Or you fall 20 storeys?”

“Yeah… they can only do so much.”

There was a little pause before he carried on.

“To be fair to our engineer I didn’t actually get concussed this time round so it did a pretty great job.” He looked slightly guilty “Actually to be one hundred percent fair to our engineer, who is a literal genius, it mostly happens when I take it off. Because sometimes it’s easier to talk to people that way, you know? But then of course I end up leaving it somewhere and so obviously then it’s not handy when I need to dive back into something which has… very occasionally proved to be an error.” He glanced over at her and did that schoolboy-been-caught-out cringe again. “Hence the concussion scorecard.” Scott refocused on the road and gave a wry half-smile “Virg is constantly telling me off for it.”

“I don’t blame him! You should listen to him and keep your helmet on, Scott!”

“Yes, Miss.”

“I’m serious! What would you say to Alan?”

“He’s still a child.”

“Ok, Virgil then?”

Scott was quiet for a minute as he approached a junction and indicated left before accelerating away again a little more aggressively than before. He sighed.

“It’s different.”

“How’s it different? Given the concussion record your head doesn’t seem to be any harder? Why are you taking less care of yourself than of your brothers?”

“I’m not. I just react in the way that seems best at the time. Sometimes that involves taking risks to help people.” He sat up a little straighter in the driver’s seat. “That’s my job.”

She frowned, the odd moment from earlier suddenly sharpening into focus.

“When I skidded on the gravelly bit on the cliff path… you nearly overbalanced yourself trying to catch me but I didn’t need catching. I was nowhere near the edge. Worst that could have happened to me there was a grazed knee. You could have gone over!”

His voice changed and became firmer, more authoritative. “You might have been injured. I couldn’t take that chance.”

“Of a minor injury versus potentially something serious happening to you?” She could hear her voice starting to rise a little and wrestled to keep it calm and conceal the sudden sense of horror that was bubbling under the surface.

“I don’t want you to sacrifice yourself for me, Scott. Not… not…”

The next word wouldn’t come out. But he’d clearly heard it anyway and twitched irritably, staring silently ahead, eyebrows furrowed. Well she’d put her foot in it now, might as well finish making the point.

“It’s not your job to keep me safe.”

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Chapter 25…

[shalom-iamcominghome]

Hello Shalom! I hope you're having a good day.

I am a lurker on your blog, seeing someone finding so much belonging in another people brings me joy. I'm sending this because of the post in which you were worried you were a philosemite and to be honest it is a worry that has crossed my mind as well as someone who enjoy tumblr content, conversion blogs and enjoyed learning about Jewish cultures and (I hope) becoming a better ally to Jews.

So, my question would be, what is a philosemite and how not to be one? /gen

First: Thank you, I'm so pleased to know you're here - I feel honored to see you 🩵

So, philosemitism is a specific branch of antisemitism wherein people will often fetishize jewish people, jewish culture, or judaism. I call it antisemitism because - much like chasers for trans people - the problem isn't that you (impersonal) find fascination with another group of people. The problem is that you don't engage with jews and jewish culture from the standpoint of being equals, you specifically will characterize whatever it is that's gotten your attention.

With that in mind... I've been trying my best to avoid even looking like a philosemite because I don't want to be one. I think such a big part of that comes with a territory in that... having jews around you who are comfortable and speak about their experiences helps. Engaging with a jewish community has been really helpful - we talk, joke, laugh, and just... engage person-to-person, and it adds that human connection that brings you closer to others. For many philosemites, they are only happy to engage with the idea of jews but not the idea that jews are people with real feelings. So much of my desire not to be like that is being trans and being subject to many chasers (to clarify, a chaser is somebody who specifically fetishizes trans people).

For many minority groups, there are people who are only willing to engage with the minority insofar as that minority is not a person. The moment that person becomes a person, the illusion falls, and the interest is exposed as, essentially, a sham.

I worry a lot that my intentions are unclear to some, that I don't know how to expose my heart any more than it is now. I remedy that by trying to read, learn, listen, and ponder on actual jewish thought and opinion, and try to engage with as much of jewish culture as I can.

Now, to be clear, not every person with an interest in judaism, jewish culture, or allying themself with jews is a philosemite. That is wholly inappropriate to assume, and I would never apply that label broadly to any non-jew who, like you've expressed, wants to be an ally. The problem arises specifically when the tokenization and fetishization makes one believe that jews are not as human (don't have human thoughts, needs, opinions, complexities, feelings, the things that make us who we are).