#some thin people really think being thin makes them an authority on health

[uwudonoodle]

Some thin people: "You should stop eating junk food."

My dinner last night:

[inkskinned]

no, but really, we need to talk about the casual objectification that has become the fallback discourse of the internet: if you're pretty and dressed nicely, you're a slut. and if you're even vaguely outside of their body standard, you're fucking disgusting.

too-frequently, people position sex workers as being "the problem". they sneer you're addicted to pornography, you don't know what a real woman looks like. but real women are in pornography. the real bodies on display are not the issue here: the issue is that other people feel extremely confident when commenting on someone's physique.

2000's super-thin is slowly worming its way back into the public ideal. recently i saw someone get told to "go for a run", despite the fact she was on the thinner side of average. not that it would ever be appropriate to say that: but it's kind of like sticker shock when you see it. people think that is fat? holy shit. do they just have no idea about things?

but what are you going to do about it? that's the problem, right. because chances are - you're a normal person. we can say normalize carrying fat on your body, but we are not the billion-dollar diet industry. we are not the billion-dollar fashion industry. we are just, like. people. who are trying to make content on the internet, without being treated shittily.

as someone who has been on both sides of things: you are treated better when you are thin and pretty. this is statistically correct. i am not saying that you cannot be bullied for being thin; i'm saying there are objective institutional biases against certain bodytypes. there are videos of men and women who lost weight all saying: i now know for a fact exactly how much worse you're treated. in the comments, some asshole inevitably says something akin to you deserved to be dehumanized when you were fat.

which means that ... the easiest thing to do is be pretty and thin. it is the path of least resistance, because of course it is, because any time you post a picture of yourself without a thigh gap, someone immediately comments something like you need to try a diet.

the other half is also dehumanizing though, huh, just in a different way. when i put on makeup and nice clothes, i am told i slept my way to the top as a professional. do you know how many women in STEM have told me they purposefully dress to "unimpress" because they already struggle to be taken seriously and if they're ever considered pretty - it for some reason takes away from their authority.

so they make it seem like it's your fault. you, existing in a body - it's your fault! if you didn't want shitty comments, don't have a body. they position us against each other like chess pieces; vying for male attention we don't even need.

and i can be an authority on this unless you think i'm fat and unattractive. when i am pretty and thin, i'm an activist. when i am just a normal person who makes a good point: i am immediately dismissed. nobody fucking believes you if you're not seen as attractive. you literally lose value. you cease to exist.

but the whole time, it feels like - is anyone actually grounded the fuck in reality? the line of "pretty and thin" keeps shifting. nobody seems to understand what "a normal weight" even looks like, because it's not something that exists - you cannot tell a person's health by looking at their body. even if you think you could tell that, even if you're sure a person is dangerously overweight - people are not your dolls. they do not need to be dressed up or displayed properly to soothe your aesthetics. you aren't concerned for them, you're stealing their agency. you don't get to say if they're "allowed" to take pictures and post them on the internet - you don't get to tell them how to exist.

people hide behind "the obesity epidemic" without any actual qualifications. they crow things about "normalizing unhealthiness".

but it's bullshit. i have visible abs. there is a pair of parallel lines on my body, even when i'm relaxed; where my obliques meet my abdominal wall. i am proud of this because it means i'm strong, because i overcame an eating disorder only to be ripped as fuck. it is genetic and physical luck that i even get any definition, i'm pleased as punch.

but it does mean that my abdominal wall sticks out a little bit. the other day i posted a video of myself dancing, and, for a moment, my shirt slipped. you could see a little bit of my stomach. i was cartwheeling to the floor. moments before this, i'd had my foot over my head.

a guy slid into my DMs. a row of vomiting emojis prefaced: you should really lose some weight before you think about dancing.

i stared at it for a long time. there was a time when i would have been triggered by this, where it would have encouraged me to starve myself. i would have ignored the fact i'm flexible, agile, good at jumping: i would have lost the weight for a stranger's passing comment. i would have found myself and my body fucking disgusting.

and for what? to please what? because why? so that he can exist in this world without an unchallenged eyeball? what would my self-hatred even accomplish? usually i write paragraphs. obviously. on this particular occasion, in this body i've been at war with for ages: i just felt exhausted.

it shouldn't be even worth saying. it shouldn't be hard to explain. all of this emotional turmoil when he cannot even comprehend the most basic truth: i am not an object on display for him.

[katiascraft]

"You should think about the consequence of your magnetic field being a little too strong" | LN4

Parings: Lando Norris x argentine!reader.

Summary: Your bestie Franco Colapinto is now an F1 driver for Williams Reacing Team. He flew you to the Austin Grand Prix in the USA. Little did you know you would blew one of the papaya boys' mind.

Now playing: "Gorgeous" by Taylor Swift.

Word count: +1,6k.

Warnings: use of Spanish. Pure fluff. Not a native English speaker so there could be errors. Not proofread.

Author's note: had this idea while going to uni and i found it so cute! I'm really needing Franco to stay forever in F1 🥹 I promise mate and pizza is the best! Don't forget to like or reblog! And follow me so we can be friemds :3 (and drink mate together!)

MASTERLIST

You were so excited to finally see your best friend shine in this world. You have always been with him through thick and thin. He trusted you blindly.

You arrived to the paddock with your mate and flask in hand. You couldn’t share your mate with Franco just in case. To protect his health before the race. So he had his as well. You were talking and laughing about memes and stuff you saw so he wouldn’t be so nervous and get lose.

You never felt so happy to be with him. You admired him so much. His strength in never give up to make his dreams come true knowing he had what is needed to shine in this sport. You’ve always loved formula one. Back home you loved spending the weekends at kartings or watching national races with your family. You love the adrenaline that gives you driving really fast. You met franco at the go karts when you were kids and since then you were inseparable. Both of your families were intimate.

“Para antes de que me dejes sola nos podemos sacar una foto? Mamá me pidió. Si no, se va a poner pesada” (you asked for a picture with him before he goes into the garage to do his driver thing - because your mom asked for one back from Argentina) you said to him giggling a little so you posed for a few pictures and even Alex got shot. You didn’t know he was behind trying to understand your conversation failing in each word. You all laughed and hugged your best friend tightly. You gave him a kiss on the cheek and hugged Alex too.

“Good luck guys! I know you’ll kill it! Love ya” you said happily waving at them while they got far from you. You poured more water into your mate and drunk it. You needed to wait for Lily so you stayed with Maria, Franco’s manager. You drank mate together talking for a while. Then Lily finally arrived back from the bathroom and you hugged her in response. You loved her. She was always so welcoming. It was so nice to finally meet in person. She is so fun to be around. And so polite. You already loved her.

“Are you hungry? Maybe we can go and have some pizza at the resto” she offered and you nodded.

You and Lily went into the resto and asked for the pizza you wanted. As a regular argentine - you walked everywhere with your mate and flask. You were to drink mate and have pizza. The best combination. Lily wasn’t so sure about it so she ordered a coke.

You chose a table there and sat down starting to talk about flights and people and gossip. There’s always gossip to talk about. English wasn’t hard on you because back home you were an English teacher. So you were fluid but of course you had a foreign accent.

While you and Lily were chatting. The waiter brought you the food and started eating. She was telling you everything about everybody you didn’t know. How the drivers were in real life and stuff. She said hi through the glass window in front of you so you looked where she did and there you saw your crush: Lando Norris. You smiled at him passing by. Didn’t say hi because you actually didn’t know him so you thought that maybe it was inappropriate.

Lando smiled back at Lily when she said hi. Immediately he saw this mistery girl he has never seen in his life here on the paddock. Oh god. He thought she was so beautiful. When she smiled back at him he felt his heart skip a beat. He never felt like this seeing someone for the first time. When he passed through the Williams building he looked at Oscar.

“Do you know who the girl with Lily was?” He asked curiously. Oscar denied with his head.

“I’ve actually have no idea mate. Maybe she is something of Franco. He is the new guy so maybe you know” he said while going up the stairs at the Mc Claren building. Lando nodded. But he thought about it from then. Your smile and your face were stuck in his head. He couldn’t ask Franco about it either because it could be misinterpreted.

(…)

After the race you were already a bit drunk from drinking beer. You were going crazy in excitement. Franco scored a point again! What an achievement. You really wanted him to get a seat for next year. He is ready. And he knows it. He is doing so well. And he is doing history for our country. When he came back to the garage you jumped at him, making him laugh. You were out of your mind. You congratulated him and kissed his face. He isn’t into hugs that much but he let you do it along with the rest of the team. Charles has won the race and oh boy! He was even more beautiful in person. You got a little shy about it. We could say you felt intimidated by the men driving.

You wanted to see the podium so you got out of the garage alone and tried to make your way to where the podium and celebration were to take place. You were texting like crazy to your friends and family, even Franco’s family. For that reason you weren’t looking where you were walking.

Lando was defeated. He was struggling finding a way of not being so harsh on himself. He got the chance and he didn’t know how it slipped through his fingers again. Oscar hugged him in support “everything’s okay mate. You did a great race. Next time it will be” he said trying to push his friend back up from the lose. He was texting his mum that couldn’t be there with him. He wasn’t looking where he was heading until he and somebody else crashed making both phones crash into the cement.

“Oh god im so so sorry” a feminine voice said that made him look up to see who she was. And in that moment he saw you. Worry all over your face. Cheeks red and you handing him his phone with the screen broken that you picked up from the floor rapidly. “I’m really sorry I didn’t see you. I can make it up. Tell me how much it costs to fix it and I’ll pay” she said and you just found it so cute. You were truly worried but he didn’t care about the phone. He could buy another one.

“Oh no no it’s fine really you don’t need to worry I didn’t see you either. What 's your name?” He said politely and sweetly, taking his phone back. You felt so ashamed. First time you come to an F1 race and you already broke lando’s phone. You felt so embarrassed.

“Really? My name is y/n. Nice to meet you by the way” you said turning red because his sight made you feel so flustered. He had the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen. And in person he was even more handsome that you could appreciate on Pinterest or tumblr. He licked his lips, nodding.

“Nice to meet you too y/n. I’m lando. Did I break your phone?”he asked sweetly. He couldn’t believe how beautiful you were and your voice. Oh he loved your voice and he didn’t even know why.

You denied “oh no it’s fine it’s just the screen. It’s nothing really” you said trying to make sure he didn’t worry about it. You could fix it back home.

La do saw the screen of your phone broken. He considered it was a huge damage “let me make it up to you. It 's on me okay? You’ll just need to give your number so we can talk about it” he said charmingly, probably not losing the opportunity of his life. Your heart started racing like crazy. You giggle shyly and nervous. He found you so gorgeous. He needed to know you. He even wanted to kiss you right there. He gave you his phone so you typed your number.

Y/n 🇦🇷. That was your name on his phone now. You gave it back to him. He smiled watching his screen.

“Oh, are you from Argentina? Is Franco your brother?” He asked to get crucial information. He would die if you were Franco’s girlfriend. He wouldn’t be able to take it. You were too beautiful.

You laughed a little “Nono he is my friend since we were kids but yeah I’m from Argentina. Franco invited me this weekend. My first ever F1 race” you told him. He smiled.

“Really? Is it your first? So sad you didn’t get to see me on the podium. I would've asked you to marry me up there. You’re gorgeous to be honest” he said and you almost died. Actually you thought your soul left your body for a moment.

“Oh wow thank you” you said flustered with a huge smile on your face looking at him nervously. “It is indeed really sad. I would’ve said yes to be honest. You’re gorgeous too, lando” yo said just like him playfully. “ I gotta see leclerc celebrate now but maybe next time we could get married alright? Nos vemos Lando. I’ll be waiting for your text. I’ll be cheering for you next weekend” you said quirky and gave him a kiss on his cheek to keep on walking to the podium.

He watched you leave his side completo stupid because you actually said you would marry him. He didn’t even know you but he already knew how amazing you were and how in love he already was.

The Latina charm he thought.

And of course he will text you. Right there he sent you a text.

“Hasta luego mujer bonita. Don’t forget to save my number like you already have my heart ;)”

It was cheesy. And he used the translator. But he would do anything to make you fall in love with him.

——————————————————————————————

You definitely need to try mate. It’s the best thing in the world I promise :3

Hope you liked it 💌 if you have any ideas my inbox is open so send your requests!

[loemius]

31. What post have you seen recently that makes you wanna scream lmao <3

oh boy youre asking me for the spicy hot takes tonight huh. i am always happy to deliver <3 i dont want to put anyone in particular on blast so ill refrain from mentioning specific posts, but i do find that a lot of content lately in the helpol sphere has been very... surface level. a lot of moodboards, a lot of basics, 101 level content, stuff like 'the gods love you!!'. which isn't inherently a bad thing whatsoever. there is a need for that kind of content! however, i've also noticed in my 2 years on helpol tumblr that a lot of the reconstructionist blogs and informative blogs that i used to follow have either went inactive or deactivated entirely. and i can't help but wonder why this is. i think there's a lot of reasons for it: frustration with the shallowness of content leading to people going off and becoming more solitary practitioners, the more you grow in your practice the less compelled you may become to share it, but also i think a lot of people use tumblr and people's ask boxes as a search engine and that leads to a lot of burnout. it certainly did for me -- i took a hiatus from posting for a long time because i wasn't in a place to educate people. it's a lot of pressure, especially on tumblr where it feels like people will jump down your throat if you're incorrect about things or you suddenly become an Authority that people look up to when youre just a person. people who were posting really helpful and informative content about the theoi simply arent here anymore, and i really think the community's gravitation towards easily consumable content and reliance on people to do research for them is a large part of this. i realize not everyone is recon, which is very much okay, although i personally love being recon. that being said, i still think you should do your best to do your research and understand where these ideas come from. they didn't appear out of thin air -- mediterranean culture is very much alive still and is a continuation of the ancient world, and to not acknowledge or understand it is disrespectful to both the cultural context of the theoi and mediterranean people whose culture we claim to revere. i don't expect everyone to become an academic or a classicist. its not accessible to everyone for a variety of reasons, but i do think like. checking out some of the primary sources in a way thats accessible for you or picking one really good book to really deep dive into would benefit a lot of people. basically, i just wish i saw more in depth posts and people engaging on a deeper level with their faith and being willing to post it so we can have more discussions as a community and grow together. helpol is unique among other polytheistic religions because we have a wealth of primary sources available to us, and that isn't always the case for other polytheistic religions. i think it's... honestly kind of sad that we don't really talk about them. its not that i dont want to see peoples upg or that i dont think there should be posts for beginners, because there is a place for it and i enjoy that content too, but i wish there was more variety in the kinds of posts we have in the community. i miss the days when the tags were full of people writing their own prayers or people talking about a new source they read and what they thought, or compiling something for their own practice and being willing to share it with the community. i guess this is my sign to get back to posting my own original content and make the kind of content i want to see in hopes it'll encourage others to do the same. anyway i got on my little soapbox about this and its time for me to hop off before i hit character limit (again lmao). thank you so much for this ask, this was really refreshing and cathartic for me to talk about. may the gods bless you with health, happiness, and love always <33

[syntax6]

Some Truest Truths about Publishing

Being a published author is a lifelong dream of mine, and many aspects of it are indeed awesome. I love telling stories and sharing them with the world. Seeing my books in a bookstore or a library will always be thrilling! Meeting new readers from all over the globe is huge fun. But there have been a bunch of “being a published author is bad for your mental health” threads lately, and I think part of why this is true is that people don’t understand how the industry works before they get into it. So, here are some things about how publishing functions that I did not know before I became part of the machine:

1. You can know your book’s likely trajectory at the time you sign the contract. The publisher decides how well your book will sell. Large publishers sell more books than mid-sized publishers, which sell more books than small- or micro-publishers. A large publisher doing minimal publicity for your book will probably still sell more copies of it than a small publisher, simply because they already have the machinery in place. But, if your large publisher does not offer you a large advance at the time of signing, they are not going to do much more than their basic-level publicity for your book. They are going to focus their efforts on books they paid a lot of money to acquire because they want to get that money back. So, if your large publisher is not offering you at least a quarter of a million dollars to acquire your book, they aren’t going to be gunning to make it a NY Times Bestseller.

2. Books are a hit-driven industry. Most books lose money so everyone is counting on the few bestsellers to finance the whole industry. This is why big names like Stephen King or Danielle Steele suck up huge amounts of the publicity budget. Publishers need their books to sell sell sell, which means reaching fans who only buy Stephen King and Danielle Steele books. These fans aren’t paying a lot of attention, so publishers need to get that “GO BUY NOW” bat signal into the sky to wake up these fans. They pull out all the advertising stops. This is why big-name authors eat up so much of the publicity budget despite being household names. Publishers need to reach those fans for each new book to ensure the book makes the $$$$ that the publishers are counting on.

3. Everyone who is in the industry is riding the same train. So when the large publishers decide which books to push (because they have paid a lot to acquire them and/or the author is already a household name), booksellers and librarians have to get on board too. Yes, librarians and independent booksellers can also promote smaller titles that they really love, and that’s GREAT, but they mostly have to march to the tune set by the large publishers. Bookstores are usually operating at razor-thin margins. They need to sell the books that people want to read. Which books do people want to read? The ones they have heard of! How did they hear about them? The big publishers spent the $ to advertise! See how it’s all connected? Libraries, too. They need to stock the titles that will rotate well; books people want to check out and read. Which ones will they stock? The ones that the large publishers are pushing, because these are the titles that people will ask for.

4. Almost nothing good happens to your book without your publisher paying for it. Often, even things that look like awards or editorial decisions involve money changing hands.

5. Because of points 1-4, the author can do very little to influence the sale of their book. Giants like Amazon or Barnes and Noble already know which books are going to be the lead titles because the publishers told them so. Outlets like the NYT know too. Libraries, indie bookstores...they all know the signs of big publisher investment. For example, if the publisher says they are going to print 250,000 copies of your book, then everyone knows the title is going to be pushed HARD. If they say they are publishing 10,000 copies, then the author has no hope of competing with the lead title. So, the author can’t, on their own, do anything to change the fate of their book. However, the author is held accountable when their book doesn’t sell, despite the fact that everyone in the industry does understand that publishers sell books, not authors.

6. Because of points 1-4, how well a book is written or how talented the author is has not much to do with how many copies the book sells. Often bestsellers are really great and the authors are extremely hardworking...but not always. And there are zillions of hugely talented, diligent authors whose books don’t sell well at all because a large publisher has never shone that kind of spotlight on them. To exist in an industry where talent and hard work don’t influence the results is maddening, and a big part of why authors go a little insane.

[self-loving-vampire]

In fairness I'm not Canadian, so I don't actually know what the healthcare landscape there looks like, but here's my take; I'd like to hear your thoughts.

I've been pro medically-assisted suicide since I first heard about the concept back in high school. One of my classmates advocated for it for because her father said he'd rather die of his own will than live a life of suffering, and it got me wondering why suicide was ever criminalized in the first place.

The answer I was given was that it allows first responders to intervene; The answer I've come to believe is that conservative Christian "values" seemingly have more sway over government regulation than is even remotely reasonable, and the rest is largely paper-thin justification.

That said, if a health care provider ever suggested anything resembling assisted suicide to me, even in the form of something like voluntary cessation of eating and drinking, I'd promptly lose it with them.

I can't imagine a scenario where I *personally* would choose to die, but I can easily imagine a scenario where someone could be pressured, even subtly, into picking that option because of the way it was offered to them.

I like the idea that the information be made publicly available, or even upon request, but I can't square how assisted suicide won't be abused in a society that dictates whether suicide is considered morally acceptable in the first place.

This is an especially tough one for me because while imposing control is the conservative Christian/right wing extremist m.o., so is sacrificing people's lives, especially disabled or disenfranchised people's lives, for the slightest amount of profit.

The 'opioid crisis' has me scared out of my mind, because it was effectively wholesale created by pharmaceutical companies convincing doctors to push addictive drugs on their patients, specifically targeting people in pain. This feels way too similar to me. People in positions of authority over other people's lives are already capable of too much harm, and I don't see "they're already doing it anyway" as a valid enough rationale when the inherent nature of medically-assisted suicide makes it difficult to discern whether a program like MAID helped someone by allowing them the choice to die, or just convinced them it was the best option.

Can we really trust conservative Christian "morals" (i.e. imposing control or restricting autonomy) will protect people from right wing greed that doesn't value people's lives in the first place? Because I don't, and that seems to be the strongest counterargument.

Ultimately I think it should come down to autonomy; I'm just not sure how to impose regulations on MAID without restricting access to it.

As an aside, I really value your perspective on stuff like this because you seem to have a similar stance on minimizing harm; similarly low empathy, but passionate devotion for those you care about; and (unfortunately) similar experiences with family and lack of autonomy to traumatic effect.

It's quite possible I'm overthinking this and it's just a matter of accessibility causing less harm than restriction; I just haven't made up my mind that the potential for good outweighs the potential for harm as it stands now.

Oh! I should also mention I share you stance on transhumanism as it pertains to immortality and the pursuit thereof not being inherently morally wrong for some reason, but it slipped my mind since the topic of discussion was right-to-die.

I concur with your previously expressed sentiments of improvements to life-extension technology meaning people can die on their own terms, for what it's worth.

One thing to note is what "healthcare providers bringing up MAID" might look like. There's a huge difference between them just listing it as one of many options they want you to be informed about and them just flatly telling you you're better off dead. Those are different scenarios that should cause different reactions, and I think the former is very reasonable just as a way of making sure people are aware of the option.

Not everyone just researches these things on their own after all, and given how much medical misinformation there is an additional reason for doctors themselves to educate people about the things they might choose to do. There are people who get all of their information about medicine from people like Alex Jones after all.

In particular it should be noted that a lot of what people in places like the US hear about Canadian healthcare is pretty much straight-up lies by the exact kinds of greedy republicans you are concerned about.

They have been saying that the government kills people or leaves them to die to save money since at least 2009. This is to distract from the fact that their own policies cut people off from healthcare all the time by simply pricing many people out of it and financially ruining those who dare to seek it.

They also complain about wait times while ignoring the fact that they wait for medicine too, except they also have to pay for it on top of everything.

I have had two major medical emergencies since I came here. Both times I was seen promptly and at no cost at the hospital. If I had lived in the US, I might have taken my chances with just toughing it out and hoping it's nothing actually serious because I can't afford the kinds of prices people have to pay for basic healthcare over there.

I even had bottom surgery paid for by the government. It's pretty great even if there's still some issues with the system (for instance, my complicated health situation means I have spent a long time on a waiting list to get a new family doctor, but I can still just go to a walk-in clinic and be seen for free if I need to).

Conservatives have to lie constantly about what healthcare over here is actually like because if people were better informed they would absolutely despise what they're doing.

Even in countries that already have this kind of healthcare system conservatives try to undermine it more indirectly by first gutting it and then offer privatization as a fix for a problem they created.

So when they tell you that in Canada you're going to just be sacrificed for profit, take a step back and think about what their proposed alternative is. What they don't say out loud is that their policies would lead to you not being able to afford healthcare in the first place and just dying from poverty and untreated conditions instead.

They don't need MAID to kill people through greed. MAID is bad optics for the world they created, if anything.

Kind of tangential and anecdotal: For what it's worth, when I was offered opioids following my surgery they did so with an attached fact sheet explaining all of the risks, potential side effects, and addiction potential. I decided not to take them after reviewing it. No one even asked me about it again.

I really don't think that counts as "pushing", and if anything a lot of disabled people with chronic pain conditions often complain about being labeled as "drug-seeking" and denied treatment when they try to ask for these things themselves.

I think people should just be informed of every potentially-useful choice and then allowed to take whichever they believe will work best for them, as I did.

Fears that people might make decisions that they regret or be pressured into choices they don't want are not very persuasive to me. That's the same argument people use for things like banning trans healthcare (complete with conspiracies about how it's a greedy big pharma plot) or BDSM (complete with arguments about how abuse victims in particular should not be considered capable of consenting to it).

You could even make the argument that some people are already being pressured in the opposite direction as well. For example, extremely ill cancer patients who are praised for "being brave" and "not giving up" when they undergo extremely painful treatments in an unlikely effort to cure their condition instead of opting for palliative care might feel like they owe it to their loved ones to endure instead of just going out comfortably.

You just can't reasonably stop people from making decisions that they might potentially regret or feel pressured into. Not without going the other way and limiting autonomy in an even more absolute way and likely making things much worse.

[fierceawakening]

ceanothusspinosus @fierceawakening Re: compulsive eating not being mentioned in HAES resources - I recently finished the book “Food Is Not Medicine.” I would say be careful if you do read it. But you may find it interesting that the author talks about how he used to not be able to keep Pringles in the house without eating all of them, and that giving himself permission to eat them and see how that went did mean that over time that compulsion went away, and now he can (and wants to!) eat them in moderation.

Ooh, really glad that someone did mention it!

I find that I can control it sometimes, but what helps me control it is to force myself to cut back even though this is very difficult. If I can get myself to begin to limit my portions, then usually after around two weeks or so I find myself not wanting the large portions I end up eating when I crave.

(This is why I'm leery of "you can't change your metabolism." I'm pretty sure the fact that this can and does happen for me is evidence that I can and am? Unless HAES and I are just using words differently, which is very possible.)

Which is... kind of a cart before the horse problem? But I think it may be part of why the two sides talk past each other so much. People like me find that once we start being mindful, it becomes easier to continue doing it through force of habit.

HAES types seem to describe that this *doesn't* happen to them, which is why any attempt at making portions smaller is seen as "restricting" and talked about as doomed to fail.

I don't really know how to find a middle here, unless it be where I currently sit, which is "Moderate weight loss is possible for many (most? I don't know) people, and if achieved it can and does have health promoting outcomes for many if not most of that subset of people. It's not possible for everyone, though, and pushing someone into it doesn't work, nor does shaming. So the right thing to do is talk to the individual about where they're personally at, and accept what they say as true for them."

I'm less sure of this, but I... think I feel the same way about "think about your relationship to food." Like if it's something outside busybodies are demanding, it's not likely to yield anything positive, just a bunch of feelings of inferiority and shame.

But if it's something YOu ask YOURSELF, "what am I looking for when I eat this? Are there other ways I can get that thing, or a close similar thing?" it can help.

I'm much less apt to feel like I "need" chocolate to regulate now, as I'm much more apt to think "playing video games or doodling on HeroForge would also help me decompress, and is more likely to work better actually because at the end of a game I might have won/at the end of an HF session I'll have literally made an art, which are things I can feel good about. At the end of a bar of chocolate I just... have no more chocolate, which sucks and is bad."

But I got there through asking myself what my relationship to this particular food was--what am I actually seeking? if it's the flavor of chocolate, which I do like, sure, I can have that! it's nice!

But if I'm at the point where I've eaten so much it starts to taste bad and I'm not stopping, it's not flavor I'm after, it's something else.

I do think this is useful to ask yourself about, IF YOU'RE WILLING TO DO SO and not being pressured.

So I feel torn when people mock the idea of doing it. Because I agree there's a shitty way to go about it that makes things worse, but there's also figuring out what needs are going unmet, and whether some of them aren't actually about physical sustenance.

So I dunno. But I just keep thinking there should be words for that that people who emphatically don't want to lose weight should... at least be able to acknowledge aren't thrall to some cult of thinness?

So my dash is doing a thing talking about how there are all kinds of studies showing weight loss is unsuccessful but not actually linking them

Is there actually something more recent than that one study from the 1950s saying 90some% of diets fail? I’ve gone looking for something more recent in the past and not found it.

Also iirc that 1950s study really didn’t define a diet clearly and carefully, though I’m not looking at the criticisms of it this second.

A lot of people use “diet” in different ways. Some people mean “any intended change in habits, such as smaller portions of desserts,” and some people mean “things called ‘diets,’ which prescribe specific patterns of eating, usually involving limiting, excising, or focusing on particular foods.”

Those seem different to me, though I’m open to examining something post 1960 that gives evidence they should be considered statistically identical and would gladly eat crow if it was unambiguous that these are the same.

[miistical]

week twelve - england and the us

Here's the last week! I really did have a lot of fun with all of these stories, no matter if I personally enjoyed them or not. I have a lot more authors to look into (as if my tbr wasn't long enough) and it was just nice to read some short stories instead of longer pieces for these last few months.

For week twelve I read: Russell Banks' "The Child Screams and Looks Back at You" John Cheever's "The Country Husband" William Gass' "Order of Insects" Ian McEwan's "First Love, Last Rights"

To be completely honest, I still have a very thin understanding of the theme for this week. However, after writing everything down, I think we're ending this last week with one of the most potent human emotions: shame. Whether this shame is in yourself, your relationships, or the life you've decided to live, shame is a powerful motivator to lie, hide, and deceive. It can easily break a person down into the smallest parts of themselves to which there is no putting them back together.

Known for his themes on personal relationships, Russell Banks' "The Child Screams and Looks Back at You" makes use of a jumping nature in the narration to bring a creeping sense of dread to the reader. Once you learn of the illness that had befell one of the narrator's children, you already know that it's far too late to save him. The mother is ashamed of her behavior, the sons ashamed of their father, the doctor ashamed that he put making the family feel better over the actual health and well-being of the child he was called to help. No, instead the doctor hits on the mother and when her son gets worse in the night, she is too ashamed of accepting the doctor's advances that she doesn't call him to come back. Her shame follows her in her dreams, in her waking moments: she had taught her sons how to forgive and while the rest of her children had forgiven her, she'll never get that from the her now dead son. How do you cope with that shame? For the mother, it appears that there is no miracle waiting to absolve her, just the cold silence of a child who she can never apologize to.

John Cheever's "The Country Husband" takes this idea of shame a step further. Considered a master at uncovering the duality of the human experience, the narrator of "The Country Husband" weaves through both the love and shame of his uninteresting, suburban life. He has a near-death experience, almost begins an affair with his babysitter, and ruins a young man's reputation just because Francis didn't like him - and yet what sets off his wife is that he was rude to one of their neighbors and almost damaged their social standing in the neighborhood. All of this is enough to drive him crazy and it does, too, just enough that he goes to a psychiatrist in tears. Conforming to this life, and then straying away from it, is killing him with shame. He can't be honest with anyone; not with something as big as his time in WWII or as small as telling a neighbor that he doesn't care about her curtains. He's in love with more exciting things, but can't go after them without shaming himself or his family. He's stuck and that, too, is shameful.

Out of all the stories this week, "Order of Insects" by William Gass confused me the most. Gass is the author of many a depressing story, which at first made his penmanship of "Order of Insects" confusing until you look into the obsession the narrator has developed over the course of the story. She's deeply ashamed of herself for finding common ground in the dead insects she finds around the house. She keeps saying over and over again that she is a woman, and a housewife at that. She is suppose to be afraid of these bugs, to sweep them up in horror of them, but she's not. Eventually, she finds them even beautiful, and keeps some like how some people pin butterflies. It's almost existential to read as she almost seems to be losing her mind over this connection she has made with the beetles she finds. She cannot have any duality, she can only ever be one thing and that thing is a housewife, a mother, a woman. She's not suppose to be anything else, to want anything else. She keeps looking at the insects just a bit too long before vacuuming them away.

The last story is "First Love, Last Rites" by Ian McEwan - yes, that Ian McEwan, though I must say I was sorely unimpressed. Was there merit to this story? Of course! It's a good story. It's also terribly boring; things can contain multitudes. At first glance, this is just the story of young lovers together over the summer, both trying to make money before they have to become anything important. What makes this story interesting in the small scratches behind the walls of the building they're staying in. At first the noise is easy to write off, especially when they're usually busy having sex to notice the sound. The scratching gets louder and louder, mimicking the rising heat of the summer and the lovers' slow descent into lethargy, until out bursts a rat to everyone's horror. While the rat is quickly killed, it is an obvious mirror to the two of them; they quickly find out that the rat was pregnant and that the unborn pups will soon die with their mother. The circle of life stopped in its tracks. There's a give and take here, though, as the ending might imply that the young girl is pregnant herself (though they had been careful, well, as careful as two teenagers can be, previously to make sure such a thing wouldn't happen). Humanity is full of these gives-and-takes, the shame of being too young and too old, the beauty of both as well. This was their last summer before they must go off into the world, becoming rats scratching at the wall to let them in.

I have to say, not exactly what I was expecting to be the last stories we'd be reading! I don't know why I was prepared for something happier when most of these short stories weren't, ya know, exactly made of fluff. This week was especially weird, though, just because of how vague some of the writing was this week. Though shame is, as I said, a potent emotion, I've never really had to feel much shame in my life, so perhaps I can not as well equipped to connect with the theme of this week. Whatever it is, it sure was an interesting time!

[persephoneyss]

Doomeds.

Pairing: Min Yoongi x f! Reader. Ft. Bts.

Genre: Yandere, dark themes, anguish, suspense.

Summary: ❝We are doomeds, wandering in eternal suffering.❞

Warnings: Yandere behavior, obsession, stalking / stalking on cameras, humiliation, unspecified forced marriage, n*n-c*n explicit sexual relations (on the reader), abuse of power, implicit murder, drug use, kidnapping, hitting, manipulation, dating previous trauma, alcoholism and depression (in Yoongi), accusations of infidelity, dub-con (in Yoongi's case), the reader is in school but is of legal age, death threats, really strange facts. Possibly this would qualify as dark fantasy since everything is so unrealistic.

Number of words: 10,000+

︙Author's note: *sighs* This is the longest fic I've ever written, and I honestly don't know how it turned out because I didn't read it twice like I always do before publishing it. But my beautiful baby helped me correct, I hope you enjoy it and please read the warnings well, I do not want lawsuits. Thanks for being here!

(Sorry for any mistakes, my first language is not English and I am not fluent either.)

Puedes leer este fic y más aquí en español.

If they ever had to ask the reality of events it would be ... Unbelievable. Thinking of how just a simple action changes everything in an already established and perfect environment.

A life.

Your minutes, hours and days were the same under your criteria and eyesight, you study in the mornings, you work in the afternoons and you attend to your homework at night. It was a good routine that used to be repetitive at times, it was fun to follow, even more so in your part-time job.

You could meet many people working in one of the best cafes in the city, your classmate insisted too many times that you work with her saying that could recommend you and you should not even pass a test, they would only accept you for her.

It was a good opportunity and you accepted it with a smile, although she was long gone from work, you were still grateful for the good salary and health insurance that they gave you every month.

"An American coffee with a spoon of sugar and a green tea cake with cream on top." Your mouth and hand move in sync, the client nods silently. You smile, pointing out other details before asking what name you would give the order.

With a sigh, he name came out like a gust of light wind. "Min... Min Yoongi."

You write his name on the screen, the little receipt paper comes out of the machine. You hand it to him by brushing his hand with yours, strangely cold and pale. A chill runs through you but you ignore it, continuing with your work.

"Good Morning _____!" One of the employees greets you kindly, you correspond still concentrated on serving the mysterious stranger's coffee. "Do you have a request for me?"

"Oh, uh... Yeah, this is for table four."

Yun smiles taking the tray with Yoongi's coffee and cake, arriving at his table. The man's expression can be dazzled even under his black mask that covers half of his face, his eyes look for you before colliding with you. YYou refuse to play along, continuing with your work, you had a lot to do and wasting time flirting wouldn't really help you make money.

However, it became pointless trying to ignore him when he kept coming back day after day. Week after week. Tormenting your head, Yoongi was not the first nor the last handsome man you would see coming often, your work establishment was literally in a strategic area and not cheap, you knew that many men and women with money frequented them to drink a coffee or eat some delicacy, even sometimes they only came in to sit for a few hours attending to their affairs over the phone.

It was fine, it was comfortable. You weren't expecting too much, sitting behind a counter, always having to fake a smile despite being tired.

Perhaps it was the constant visits that led you to start a conversation with him. You had about an hour of rest, you prefer to spend those few moments sitting in front of the window of the premises eating any cake that was a few days before expiring to avoid paying for consumption, you felt comfortable in that place that seemed so far from all the other clients.

Until his voice interrupted once, he seemed as calm as ever. His gaze lost from you elsewhere avoiding making contact with you, nervous apparently. His rough and austere tone was changed to a bolder and lower one, asking if he could sit next to you for a few minutes.

"Sure, sit down... he's not busy." It was your answer without having any problem in sharing your place so secret, so comfortable. It was still just as safe even with him present.

And in much the same way, everything became a silent routine. You heeded his order, you took your rest next to him and then you both left at one point. The talks became more common, he being the first to ask about such insignificant things as the rise in the market in the country and how prices should start to rise in coffee as well.

You laughed, you really did it by getting his attention and sharing your reaction.

They both started laughing at how strange it all started, and it was always the perfect anecdote to tell their friends about how they met.

Everything was perfect, like a painting by a great artist, what you would see would be beautiful and cheerful colors, adorning both of you possibly holding hands with a smile and a loving expression from the man who was now your partner. Her pale skin and angelic face represented on beautiful thin paper, presented to the world as a painting that reflected a symbol of love between two souls met in a casual cafe and who wanted each other so much. Too much.

Yoongi was the clear representation of an ethereal person, casual and elegant, polite and kind, protective but not possessive. Simply to the target.

Your routine didn't change much after starting your relationship, you kept walking to your school in the mornings, you attended the cafeteria in the afternoons and you rested at night. Perhaps the only significant thing that you would get out of your boring schedule was your boyfriend's proposal about moving with him to the house of his best friend, almost a brother as he described it, and avoiding paying for your little apartment. You had made one and a thousand excuses, making Yoongi shut them all up.

"Jin is my brother, he would never take advantage of us. I already mentioned the proposal, about you... I have been living there for a few weeks, I assure you that you will be like family."

Family?

Your face relaxed for a few seconds, you had abandoned that feeling and sensation long ago since you moved from your home in your native country. Your mother used to call you every night but little by little that habit was lost, she also had her own problems and being aware of you as if you were a child was ridiculous.

"It's fine." It was your final decision, nervously you moved your hands in the air explaining what you would not accept.

Do not invade your privacy.

You had spent days thinking about how to introduce yourself to them, because apparently there would be more than just Jin, Yoongi and you in that house. Your things were scattered in boxes, you stood in the middle of the almost empty room still nervous about meeting new people and friends of your boyfriend.

That they were now family. Literally family.

The moving truck was parked in front of a large house, it had two stories and an incredibly large garden. More like a forest than an ordinary garden, you got out of the car trying to clean your clothes as much as possible and look presentable. Although it was difficult when your whole body was covered in dust after lifting the boxes.

"I'm not ready, Yoon." You say, containing your anxiety that vibrates to the surface of the skin within you.

Her hand gently brushed your cheek, giving you a bit of reassurance. "You look beautiful, they will accept you anyway." Her lips came up to yours, giving you a quick and soft kiss. "I just remember that I love you, and I know all my brothers will too because you are perfect."

You thanked the little compliment in a whisper, the door of the house opened just after the two of them left, you automatically showed a friendly smile approaching the first person to leave. He was a tall and rather handsome man, he seemed very well dressed to be indoors on a Sunday, more like he was going out to an important business meeting. He looked flawless and elegant.

"The suit was not necessary, Nam!" Shouted your boyfriend behind you mocking, the man laughed showing all the charm of him to your eyes.

"I'm Namjoon, Yoongi's friend. Nice to meet you... _____, right?"

"Yes, it's me. Sorry to see me so disastrous, it was a tiring day with the move."

Namjoon seemed like a very nice and incredibly understanding guy, his presence made you want to meet your boyfriend's other friends. You opened the door entering the house after Yoongi asked you to find your room to start carrying the other things, Namjoon stayed behind to help him, leaving you alone on your unknown route. You walk all over the place and you are surprised that you only walked through the living room, your eyes straying to a noise in the kitchen.

Curious.

You ignore it, continuing your way up, you read every name on the doors. Jin, Namjoon, Yoongi, Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook. All written brilliantly on each different door, you walk a few steps to one that says your name and you thank it with a sigh.

You weren't surprised by how big it was, everything inside that place seemed to be exorbitant and out of the ordinary.

"Oh, it must be you." You are surprised to hear a voice behind you, you turn around in fear before remaining calm. You recognized her face from a photo Yoongi had on her phone.

"Jimin?" You ask with fear of being wrong.

"It's me, it's nice to finally meet you. Jin-hyung said you're moving in a few days, I didn't think it would be so soon." His voice seemed to be calm but there was a hidden question. Why? Why were you there?

You take a few uncomfortable steps back. "It really was, but ... I thought it would be better to do it today that I don't have classes, plus Yoongi doesn't work this day and it seemed like the right thing to do. I'm sorry if bother you."

"No you don't. it's okay, Welcome." With that one simple word he left.

You thought you would have a longer talk with him but you weren't expecting too much, they didn't even know each other and you plan to chat with him like they were old acquaintances. Well, naive.

It seemed strange to you that no one else showed up in the whole house, even when you were uploading the last boxes of the move no one seemed to be a little curious to meet you. Aside from the already friendly Namjoon and the reserved Jimin.

"Yoon" You get his attention, he smiles at you taking the sheets out of your suitcase and making your makeshift bed ready for the night. "Do your friends work today?"

"I guess so, they really don't spend a lot of time together or at home." Explain without noticing your downcast face. You nod, putting the issue aside and concentrating your eyes on arranging your clothes. "Hey... Okay, you can meet them all at dinner today."

Your chest clenches in anguish, "Dinner?!"

"Yes, darling. It's the only time they meet all day, when Jin-hyung cooks for us especially on days like these where we have pleasant surprises."

You purse your lips annoyed, Yoongi smiles kissing your forehead so carefully and lovingly that it melts your senses. The mere presence of him made you want to continue with him forever, you relax for a few seconds hugging his body in silence. They both stay like this, with nothing to say but telling each other everything at the same time.

The thought of ever letting go scares you.

You wait several hours, still sitting in the same place where Yoongi left you. You should be presentable for dinner, you take a quick shower before running to change into a nice comfortable dress, you try not to overdo it but also not show disinterest. From the stairs you hear everyone's mixed voices, chatting animatedly.

"Honey, come here." Yoongi watches you, being the only one to notice that you were peeking in the shadows still unsure of interrupting.

You say hello by walking a few steps until you reach your boyfriend's side, you present yourself the best you can. Everyone falls silent, Namjoon smiles at you just like he did before. Jin interrupts the moment where no one seemed to have anything to say about you, or if he wants to want to introduce himself.

"Today we have a special guest, the dear girlfriend of our brother. I introduce myself, I am Jin the official cook of this family." His body bends down with an exaggeratedly long bow, proud of his words. Jimin rolls his eyes, while his other siblings just choose to tease. "On Yoongi's orders we made her favorite dish, so I don't want any complaints of any kind about the food. I'm looking at you Jungkook."

You are surprised how well everything is going, you feel praised when your favorite food is in front of you. She looked just as elegant, as if you were eating in a five-star restaurant and at a luxurious table with silk tablecloths.

Jungkook still stayed away from the talks, preferring to eat quietly and fiddle with his phone. Hoseok was more animated, asking about you and exaggerating anecdotes that happened with his childhood friends. He moved you that he will still remember all that after years. Namjoon vaguely drew your attention with book recommendations when you commented on your love of reading, Jin quietly continued eating in complete tranquility, Jimin thanked the food and just left.

Taehyung... He seemed interesting to you, he was looking at you all the time with narrowed eyes and when Jimin got up and walked away, he followed closely with a small and almost hidden smile.

You had a strange feeling inside what they called home.

"I-I... I need to use the bathroom." You say goodbye by wiping your lips with a napkin before quickly walking behind them both. Something attracted you to want to know more, as if they were leaving clues knowing that curiosity killed the cat and that you wanted to be the one.

Your steps were quiet, even more so when you tried not to be noticed . You went upstairs listening to their voices whispering and then... An obscene moan was clearly heard, Jimin seemed to laugh in the air.

Your hands shook thinking of opening the door and seeing what was happening. And without knowing it, you had fallen into the same network of attraction as them.

You curse yourself biting your tongue and cheek until they bleed, sure that you were going to make a big and heavy mistake. Minutes later you are going down the stairs back to the table but no one is waiting for you anymore, the table was just as spotless and clean. You are pleasantly surprised to learn that they don't treat you like a guest and that they don't wait too long for you. Maybe they had things to do, however you feel a chill when silence comes.

Where were?

You look around the yard, but no one is outside. Neither in the kitchen and less in the room where you had already walked twice. You catch the sound of drums in your ears rumbling loudly, you close your eyes in a daze for a few seconds until in an instant it goes away, and then everything comes back to itself. You hear their voices upstairs, chatting animatedly for the second time.

"Where were you sweetie? Are you okay?"

You nod still confused. How did they... When was that... You were really fine? You refuse to fall into paranoia and lie down next to Yoongi, as they continue their conversation with each other. Your head keeps spinning with the fresh memories you have, but they seem to disappear second by second and it scares you, you open your eyes without wanting to fall asleep yet but it is as difficult as breathing.

You fall into the dark abyss of sleep, feeling the same chill.

Your gaze is lost in the gray sky, you are cold and your body is swaying. Your eyes move restlessly observing that you are under the snow and a person holds you in his arms through the forest, walking at a slow and safe pace.

It's fine. Are you okay.

Wake up. Yoongi greets you from the door of your now room, you try to regulate your breathing thinking that he would notice your overwhelmed state and he would worry, but no. He is as calm as ever, relaxed even.

"Good morning beautiful, it's time for breakfast. Jin-hyung made your favorite." And with that last sentence she is shifting away, closing the door behind he.

You go down the stairs ready to go, your backpack resting on your shoulder. The table is just as full as at dinner, Jimin seemed very tired trying not to fall asleep, you watch him for a few seconds before looking at Taehyung who ignores you taking his cup of ... Coffee. You approach making him recoil alarmed and disgusted, you check the cup realizing that it is the same recipe that you use in the cafeteria.

Like them?

You look up noticing that, you were uncomfortable, Taehyung takes a few steps away from your body almost leaning against his, still sitting in his chair. You apologize to him making me sigh irritated, still ashamed you apologize again without eating or serving anything, just leaving through the front door.

Your journey is reflective. You forget, dream and recognize, that was the pattern you were following, everything seemed so strange and deep down gloomy, you feel the already casual chill running through your entire body almost like a warning.

Your seat in class was empty waiting, ready for you. Ari greets you, being your table companion and friend.

"Hey, intense night?" She jokes, you look shaking his head. She laughs pointing your neck. "You have... something there."

She frowns even more confused, her face leaves her smile aside and she starts looking at her things until she takes out a small mirror and she hands it to you. You look with horror at a large red bruise painting on your skin, it seemed painful but you had not even noticed or felt it. You touch it still scared and nothing, it doesn't hurt or it seems real.

You take a deep breath before lying with silly chatter, "I had an accident, but I'm fine. I had forgotten I was there, it was nothing serious."

Ari seems worried but in the end she forgets it by returning to the same kind and joking attitude of her, but her gaze drops from second by second to your neck making you cover yourself uncomfortable. Who? It can't be Yoongi, he was always very calm in that regard. You think terrified, your hand goes up to touch it and this time you manage to feel a sharp pain.

You have to cover it with the collar of your shirt so that no customer will notice it and avoid staining the reputation of the cafeteria, you smile nervously taking orders as fast as you can and avoiding looks. Yun greets you like every day, arriving at his work time. You spend hours begging for the clock to advance faster, the night sky appears and the doors close, you clear the last counter before you can finally show your neck again and breathe.

"That's a big problem." Yun whispers looking at the horrible mark, you nod with a sigh giving the same stupid excuse you told Ari. "You should use a little makeup to cover it up, I think it will help you a lot."

You think about it for a few seconds before deciding what you would do. You bow to him with a bow after he offered to close in your place and finish the remaining work for you.

You come home with a smile, you greet Namjoon who is reclining on the couch in the living room watching something on TV. You wait a few seconds but you do not receive a small or accidental look, you approach a few steps to repeat it again but you only get him to get up and go upstairs closing the door of his room apparently with a door slam. What the hell? You think covering your face with your hands looking for some comfort.

Everything was happening inside you, it was like a whirlpool sweeping away your sanity. Were you going crazy? Or you were just thinking a lot about nothing.

You try to draw a picture of your situation, but the only thing that repeats is the constant painting of Yoongi and you together.

"Yoongi!" You say to yourself with a smile, you drop your backpack running towards his room, wanting to see him after such a day.

Your hopes fade like air, everything within the space him screams 'he', but he is not there. You check the safe time that he should be home at that moment. You hear Jin's voice screaming from below about dinner ready, you sigh losing your appetite at those moments.

You lie on your bed checking your cell phone in case there was a message from Yoongi warning about he delay but nothing. You feel empty for some strange reason, but there was nothing different about it now.

If I had been more attentive and conscientious, you would have noticed that two more people other than Yoongi and you were missing from the table. Jin smiles sitting in his same place leaving your plate not caring without you being there with them, his smile never fades even when all his brothers are sitting silently eating and looking at your empty place so intensely that it was terrifying, he squeezes the cutlery in his hand without wanting to break the tradition in his family.

Dinners are sacred and no one should be missing. There will be no discussions or complaints, that's what the rest of the time is for.

That was what her mother said, sitting at the table in her old home containing her anger at seeing her husband so calm after having been unfaithful once more. Not on the table, not on the table.

Not on the table, honey.

Jimin opened the last bottle with a little satisfaction, poured another glass before handing it to his friend who was only glaring at the ground.

"She's not like that... I know her." Repeating the same stupid prayer for hours, Taehyung rolled his eyes trying to calm his annoyance, looking at his other friend insisting that he help him.

"Yoongi-hyung you saw it yourself, she had that... That mark. you didn't do it, maybe Tae is right and she-..."

"Not!" I scream interrupting what to him were lies. "_____ she's my girlfriend, she's not like that. I know her ... she loves me! She loves me! Do you understand?" Says exalted, holding the shirt of his friend who closed his mouth immediately, Jimin noticed that same reflection of anger in him and knew it was better to leave it for now.

Taehyung pushed the drunk Yoongi away from his side, making him release him and repeat the same phrase as in his state, he tried to believe himself.

The door to your room was opened and the smell of alcohol invaded you, making you look disgusted. You closed your eyes without wanting to see him, his body fell to the side of your bed approaching your body so slowly that the anxiety inside you doubled.

"I'm sorry..." He whispered.

His hands rested around you, giving you that warmth so familiar and comfortable in your gray days. A sob was heard while you lost yourself in your own thought, you watch it melt into your arms crying and without wanting to tell you why.

"It hurts." It's the only thing it says. But... Why?

You wake up. Just like a week ago, days had passed and it seemed like your skin kept accumulating horrible marks all over the place. You even went to consult a doctor but he only insisted that something... Or someone did them with such fury that it was incredible that a piece of skin will not be torn off by the force of his suction.

You touched the last mark that came, it was dangerously close to your crotch, you try to hide the others with makeup but they were still visible at a short distance.

You went down the stairs to see them all again, you greet with regret taking the first thing you find. Your mug had your name written on it, it was a rather curious gift from Jin after your melancholic night with Yoongi days ago, he apologized explaining that he felt bad after hearing all the sobs and apologies. For a moment you thought it was something exaggerated but he kept insisting that he felt bad about himself, not with Yoongi who was almost his brother or with you, with him.

You accepted it without wanting to show your dislike for his selfishness and narcissism, thanking him so softly that he hardly heard you.

The special drink that morning was coffee... Americano. You felt insecure to drink it, and you just put it aside.

Same recipe.

Yoongi looked at you for a few seconds before smiling fondly, and you just looked away, leaving him with a confused face as you walk out the door so quickly that he can hardly feel you.

He sighed before being drawn to Jimin's grin-adorned face, he shrugged, hinting at his silent opinion. She is not faithful to you Yoongi, why do you keep waiting for something good? Only looks at her body, her attitude and who she surrounds herself with, it is a classic of womens. You will know that she is a fox hidden under her sheepsuit, just observing her more and you never leave her.

The marks on your body, your cold attitude made him more and more suspicious and fall for Taehyung's profound words. She bit his lip, refusing to spy on your life away from him... Out of his sight.

But he really wasn't doing anything wrong, just observing. In his now dirty head, everything was valid if he could know the truth.

You did the same thing you always told him on his nights where they stayed up talking about his heavy days. You went to school, to work, and then home. Nothing changed your version.

I try to focus on your friends, there was only one girl you spent more time with in your classes and after them. He researched everything about his life, but he had nothing to worry about after learning that he had a boyfriend. He passed your work, standing outside for hours waiting to see you do something dirty or guilty, but you never seemed to move.

You just served the orders and then kindly said goodbye to the customers. He felt guilty for doing something so low to you, until he saw you.

To you.

Your smile grew when one of the workers who was your partner approached your place in the box to whisper something in your ear, you left your place following him towards the warehouse.

Anger consumed him quickly, refusing to continue standing there observing the obvious, possibly he was being irrational and he knew it but the constant insinuations of Jimin. The conversations with Taehyung, his words, his suspicions, the pleased looks from they when he fell back at his feet asking them to tell him what to do with you.

With his damn relationship.

Where were you and him. Not them. You and he.

He opened the door to your room and started going through your things like a degenerate, something must have made him sure that you were cheating on him. Something, a letter, a note, a gift from him, or a simple cheap jewel.

This was your Yoongi? You were clearly looking at another subject.

"Yoon..." You started, his eyes coldly piercing you. He looked different, he was looking at you but you didn't feel safe being so close. "What are you doing?"

"What do you think I do?" He asked how else he will not point to the obvious, for a moment you thought that even if it was, out of respect or dignity, he would try to deny it or find another explanation for his actions so offensive to you. "Where is?"

"Where is what?" You claim, starting to get angry, his eyes leave you again as he continues searching through your drawers, dropping everything to the floor with thudding noises. You get closer trying to push it away but you only get rejection. "Stop it, Yoongi."

"Not until you say so."

You freeze without knowing what he meant by the latter, you take his arm to stop him but you only receive a push that makes you back away this time scared by the force of his attack. "Enough!" You claim this time by making him look at you with his cold eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about and why you're doing this, but enough."

"Then say it..." You shout again that you don't know what he wants you to say, you even curse furiously making him come closer to support your shoulders with his hands bringing you closer to his face. "Say it damn it! Say you're cheating on me with that bastard son of a bitch!"

You feel the pain of his grip, you sob, begging him to release you but are ignored as he continues to ask you to say so. You refuse to lie, especially with something so degrading.

Jin hears the screams as he continues serving the dinner desserts, Jungkook strangely puts aside his phone for a few minutes to thank him with a small toast and a smile that was rarely seen on him.

"The dessert tonight is sweeter than usual."

Jimin raises his glass with a bright smile, Namjoon adjusts his tie tied perfectly around his neck as he sips from his glass, Hoseok laughs eating the delicious cake with enthusiasm.

Curious, a green tea cake with cream on top.

"It's a shame Yoongi-hyung misses out on dessert." Taehyung speaks pretending a pout on his lips, playing with his spoon with the cream on her plate. "It is especially exquisite today."

"Stop playing already, when will you do it? I'm looking forward to getting started." Jin snaps angrily, pushing the cake out of her sight as he drinks from her wine glass.

Jungkook laughs, turning his phone back on to continue playing as usual. "So impatient, hyung." He says he with a click of annoyance.

Jin rolls his eyes, following her gaze to Jimin who is innocently cowering in her chair. Ignoring how completely obsessed Jungkook is with his games, it really was not his business,for something his youngest friend had his parents, who were too busy with their work, they ran the largest electronics factory in the country, leaving his son in the background just giving him everything he asked for without objection. Always showing a smile when little Jungkook came before them demanding a new console or the best phone.

"It only remains to wait..." Whispering, he released a patient Hoseok. His smile as charming as ever. "For her to decide what to do and then... Plot! She fell into the wrong well."

"I hate when you describe and talk like that, but I can't expect much from a Jung... like you."

However, Hoseok never stops smiling even when anger is consuming his mind causing him to clench his fists under the table and bite his tongue inside his mouth, hidden by his gleaming and visible teeth. Namjoon smiles at her, knowing that she managed to provoke him but that she won't do anything to shut him up.

"Pathetic."

Motherfucker.

Jin breaks the tense silence, shushing everyone with a snap. That silence. Nobody hears anything from you or Yoongi, for a moment they feel the anguish that something bad has happened or that his friend has lost a bit ... The hand. But just seconds later you're rushing down, wearing the same clothes and your face covered in tears. You don't even look at them when you run to the door, leaving a trail of emptiness behind you.

"Hm, intense." This is Jungkook speaking, his eyes still lost on the phone screen of him playing a silly online championship. "She will be fine after hours."

"Jungkook is right, now we must move with Yoongi."

Namjoon gets up walking to your room, surprised that everything seems almost the same as it was before their fight.

He smiles when he manages to see his friend laying on the floor sobbing, and like that children's book called Pinocchio, he feels good being that cricket-shaped voice of reason. Only this time that sweet and serene voice, released one and a thousand blasphemies that would contaminate even the most devout by his beliefs.

He managed to convince Yoongi's easy to manipulate mind, blurting out words almost like a song. Playing with the naive self of hes that still lived and breathes inside him.

You had come home after days of spending with Ari and her boyfriend away from him. You really didn't want to set foot in that house again in years, a small irrational part of you believed that it was all his fault, your real problems started when you set foot in that damn place.

You open the door observing the room in the same way, empty. You try not to make yourself feel ready to go to sleep, without having been able to do it in days, but now you doubted that it would be different here.

You remain static in view of everyone, you had forgotten that at that time they were having dinner together. They only met once a day and it had to be right there.

"Good evening, sorry to interrupt." You ignoring Yoongi's gaze that, he's trying not to get too excited about your return, even though she causes he to euphoric whirl. "Carry on, I'll just go to my room."

"Please no, sit with us."

"I'm not well."

"I insist, sit with us. They were difficult days but I know they can fix it." Jin puts a plate in front of one of the empty chairs, you refuse to sit down but you do it out of compromise.

Everyone seems to be exclusively quiet, dinner was gray, like a black and white painting. Remember the first dinner, where everyone seemed to have so much to say and now that was left behind, Jungkook continues to play with his phone sometimes moving his plate by accident, without touching a single silverware with the intention of eating. Jin eats in peace, so slowly that he is strange. Namjoon reads a book in his hand, eating so cleanly that it's amazing.

Hoseok looks at you playfully from time to time, with a smile that almost makes you smile the same. Jimin and Taehyung seem to communicate silently, they both look at each other with slight grimaces and smiles.

"We can talk?" Yoongi whispers, you feel her breath next to you and instinctively you walk away scared. Still hurt by her actions and attitude, you give your vow of silence by standing up and without saying goodbye, you walk up the stairs.

"How rude." Jungkook interrupts, keeping an eye on his screen lighting up his beautiful face. "He didn't even taste the food."

Yoongi looks at Jin, her oldest friend and the one she trusted the most, seeking some advice. But just gets the same treatment as always, a look insisting that go with you and try to fix her mistake.

However, it was late. You had packed a makeshift suitcase by going down as quietly as you could, exiting through the back door like a thief or a fugitive.

You spent days thinking about your cowardly way of running away, but in the same way you felt better and even more so when you did not receive any message from him. Maybe it wasn't that important to him, it hurt but it also relieved you.

You knew it would be awkward to see him in the face again, but you should go back and get your things over with as soon as possible. You naively thought of forming a friendship, a very distant one, but in the end it would be the healthiest thing for both of you.

"______?" Asked the person who opened the door after you barely managed to ring the bell due to nerves, he was clearly confused.

"W-good morning ... Jin." You greet by taking a few steps back to get a better look at it, you had forgotten how tall it was. "Sorry to bother I just wanted to -..."

"Talk to Yoongi? I'm sorry but he's already better without you, he even met someone new." You were surprised by his austere, sour tone and trying to intimidate you. "And you better go, you are not welcome here."

"No ... No, I-I came for my things but I'm glad to know that it's better now, and that ..." The words stayed in your mouth, almost as if it hurt to admit it. "I was able to find someone, I hope we can be friends. Also with you, I'm sorry I left without explaining or saying goodbye properly."

You waited what seemed like ages for her response, and you expected more than a simple nod of the head, letting you pass without a hitch. You searched your room quickly, trying not to have any contact with any of them for now. You opened the door that had your name on it but you were scared by what you found inside, the whole room had been painted blood red, a very dark color that managed to give you such familiar chills.

"What is this? Where are my things?!" You turned around ready to go and claim but the door closed behind you with a stormy noise. You ran to try to open it but it did not move an inch, you searched the whole room for something useful to help you but it was completely empty, and alone.

You sobbed in fear, not understanding what was happening and why it seemed that the walls were getting narrower every second. You fell to the ground, trying to stay calm and without losing your goal, hours and even days passed for you, you waited to hear at least one noise but everything was so quiet that you had to avoid going crazy, you played with your hands trying to distract yourself and think positive things, you had read many books about stressful situations to know that thinking a lot about those things caused even more stress, you lie on the floor sure that a nap will calm everything down, if it was a nightmare you wanted to wake up and if not , you wanted to dream that it was.

A lock, you hear that particular noise and you wake up. You open your eyes as fast as you can lifting your body, the door was slightly open as if someone was exiting. You scream for help but it closes, you fall back into sadness and despair screaming even more for your freedom.

You didn't deserve this.

You look with regret at the delicious food they left for you, for a moment you think about going on a hunger strike but your stomach demands you not to be so stupid. The same would not change anything. Regardless of manners, you eat as fast as you can, dropping quite a bit of food on the ground in your rush.

It had an exquisite taste, and you could recognize it everywhere. It was one of your favorite dishes, you felt disgusted to compare it to your mother's food, but as magnificent as it was, it reminded you so much of her.

You wait for something to happen, but minutes go by in which you just look at nothing, letting your head fly. Thinking of a thousand things, playing with the spoon and singing in a low voice.

You feel hot from one moment to the next, your vision becomes cloudy and the door opens again. You just stay in the same place, you don't care about anything, not even how they hold you by helping you walk into another room.

"You were right, she is very calm now."

You look at him, their faces so familiar and you try to place them, but your head is flying away at that moment. You close your eyes laughing, and drifting into unconsciousness.

You wake up. You open your eyes and you are tied, you struggle with the ropes that hold your arms while the bed below you makes your body bounce. You touch the sheets realizing that they are extremely soft, you are in an unfamiliar room surrounded by scarlet red, with elegant and shimmering decorations. You try to stand up but your legs, like your hands, are tied.

And you're still quiet because of the rag in your mouth.

You fight the bindings furiously, screaming into the cloth as much as you can get sick of being locked up again.

You think of Yoongi, although at that moment it was irrelevant you wonder where she is and if she knew that she was being kidnapped in such a way, would she help you at least? Resignation covers you completely, fighting the bonds again with such force that you feel like they burn your skin every time you move.

You sob, just as he did one fall day.

Yoongi watches you from the monitor in another room, Jin is talking to Namjoon to the side while Jungkook is still sitting in a corner entertaining on her phone. Jimin, Taehyung, and Hoseok seem reluctant to look at each other despite facing each other.

Remember the day, the one in the past, when he met them. Jimin and Taehyung were already friends playing in one of the children's castles, with their hands pretending to be weapons as they ran around. Hoseok was sitting next to his mother, talking and apparently they had a lot to say. Namjoon did not detach from the side of his father who urged him to go up to the games, while Jin was busy collecting Flowers in a basket that his grandmother was holding.

They were all strangers and even more so he, felt out of place surrounded by so many games and away from home. His parents had freed up a whole day to spend together in a decent park, it was several hours of travel from Daegu to Seoul only for his son to play in a beautiful park surrounded by luxurious buildings.

He dropped down next to her mother, hugging her without wanting to let her go.

"Min Yoongi, we didn't take this trip just for you to sit there all day, son."

"I'm scared..." he whispered, biting her lip and hiding her face in the neck of his beloved mother.

"I see... but the games look so much fun. Run and try them, love."

He nodded still uneasy, walking over to one of the swings where he sat rocking so slowly that he seemed still. He felt hands pushing his body from behind, scared he looked at the boy behind him, he had a smile on his face and waved him with a hand.

"Sorry, I thought you needed to be pushed." He spoke and did not seem at all nervous.

"I'm fine, but thank you..." There was a momentary silence before he interrupted again. "I am Yoongi."

"Hoseok, although my mommy calls me Hobi."

He smiled, offering himself this time to push the swing, they spent minutes like this just helping each other take a walk pleasantly. He didn't even think about it when Hoseok offered to talk to Jimin and Taehyung about how they'll all play together in teams.

Now in the present, he smiled again remembering how he met Jin that same day, he had collided with him when he was running so as not to be caught by Jimin. His older friend was flushed with anger, screaming for her flowers and his dirty clothes. His grandmother teased him a bit making him deny even more, he followed Yoongi for several minutes until the chase because of her desire to hit him became a game.

They both fell to the ground tired, laughing before Hoseok introduced himself to Jin. Namjoon arrived shortly after, curious about the commotion and why he had gotten bored of sitting for so long, as he explained later. Besides that his father didn't have the best conversation starters.

He cried so much that very day when he had to go home again, promising to return soon.

"We have everything ready, are you ready?" Jin stood next to him, his eyes looked at him but he couldn't recognize his childhood friend. The same one that he offered to organize his birthday parties when his parents could not afford them, the same one that he never took advantage of his money to lower it. The one who hugged him as many times as he could when he came out of his therapies after his parents died.

Who was this man?

"Y-yes." He murmured still stunned. He got up, following in his footsteps with his head lowered.

They opened the door showing him, you were distracted biting the cloth in your mouth and trying to move your hands to free them.

Your body felt the same repetitive chill making you look at them feeling their presences so... uncomfortable.

"Enough." Jin ordered as you continued your insistent useless movement, trying to free yourself. "I'm not playing around, stop."

Me neither, idiot. You clench your teeth as much as you can at not being able to say it out loud, you stubbornly keep moving even faster than before. Your hair falls on your face from your busy tossing and you stare at him, challenging his patience and judgment.

You try not to tremble when he approaches you with intentions that deep down manage to scare you. But you continue, the bed moves as fast as you do until his hand falls against your cheek causing a gasp to come out of your gagged mouth.

"Hyung!" Yoongi claims holding her hand to prevent her from trying to hit you again, you feel the particular burning on your right cheek and the tears growing back in your eyes. "Please, no blows. That was not what we agreed on."

Jimin cleared his throat, a satisfied smile on his face, "We never specified anything, actually... Yoongi-hyung."

"Jimin is right, you never specified any kind of restriction for her and us." Namjoon clarified making you look at them confused, it was as if they were talking in terms of employment or contract.

But you had never signed anything.

"B-but they can't do that, they'll never accomplish anything if they force her." He tried to persuade him but Jungkook sighed, dropping his phone to the ground and then stepping on it like it was worthless. "She will just hate them."

"She will do it anyway, if we let her off her or try to convince her to stick with sweet words she won't think twice and she will run away ready to report us for kidnapping."

"In addition to the damages that she suffered here." Namjoon continued to condemn Jungkook, uplifting her surname and her family's status.

"You are in this with us or against us, there is still a free place in the basement for you with chains just as heavy."

Again, the same chill ran through you causing you to cringe in your place. These men were insane, they were capable of betraying each other, and worse, they could possibly also consider shooting themselves in the back when they weren't looking at each other. All for you, as if you were some kind of prize for winning and owning.

After moments that seemed eternal, Taehyung was releasing your mouth as you began to complain about what they were doing, how they dared and demanding freedom.

Really a classic, so much so that it was witty and hilarious that you said it literally.

They forced you to kneel on the ground with your hands on your legs still perfectly tied. More questions filled your mouth not knowing what they were planning, all you could do was look at them so scared it was adorable.

"Uh... Well... I guess one should go first." Jin says, taking a few steps away from your crouched figure.

Jimin stepped forward, standing in front of you causing you to look up from your spot below him.

"What are you doing?" You ask weakly, you try to drag yourself away when his hand struggles with his pants to remove it but Jin holds you in place. Getting on his knees to speak into your ear softly.

"You better take a breath instead of trying to run away, honey. I thought you were smarter... hm?" He laughs mocking your scared face, you refuse to open your eyes and mouth making him stop laughing in annoyance.

Jimin sighs taking your face in his hands so roughly that they will surely leave a purple mark on your skin. He was still dressed, I was hoping I could humiliate you more and then fuck your mouth until you suffocate while his hyung explains everything to you. How it all started, his obsession, his plan, they had planned everything so perfect that it was terrifying, everything monopolized on one board.

Soon as soon as possible you will just be a cute housewife and you will forget your life before that day. Not for nothing did they have a closet full of cheerful and homely outfits ready for you, they wanted to destroy you and then put you back together just to serve them.

You would be his wife, of everyone.

"Come on, little bitch..." Jimin started, reaching over to kiss you on the lips even though you refused to do so. You really no longer had a vote or a word of objection in his plans. "Open your eyes darling, you don't want a stray bullet to land in your mother's skull, do you?" He threatened making you obey even more scared than before.

"P-please don't hurt my mother!" You sob, clasping your tied hands in supplication.

"Oh, we won't.... yet." He whispered kissing your lips one last time before imposing himself on your kneeling body. Her cock came out of her pants, stroked a few times before guiding it to your lips. Your stomach contracted, and you pulled your face away as far as you could before Hoseok held you by the hair tightly pulling you close again. "Take it, baby. Everything will be fine if you just obey."

"I hate them, they disgust me" You whisper before Jin forced you to open your mouth making you take it, you fight for a few seconds but her hips are already moving making you choke and gasp. His moans are so loud they make you squirm but his hands hold your head close to him.

"I told you you'll take a breath, but you're a dumb whore." His breath is hitting your neck directly, your skin crawling trying to distract you from anything other than Jimin's cock in your throat causing you to gag and vomit. "I bet you're wondering why, what did you do, and nothing really. Or if Yoongi!"

You do not look at your boyfriend before, you only focus on Jin who smiles, caressing your body with his hands, almost exceeding your limits. However, what did it matter if he did it, there was nothing you could do for yourself.

"You were only here, I think we all loved you from the first moment we saw you. We spent many nights wondering what was special about you, many of us had dated women before but you... You were so different, you had something that attracted us and it made us go crazy. " His hands squeezed your breasts causing you to gasp on Jimin's cock who moaned with pleasure, continuing his steady and hard rhythm. "Taehyung got involved in the matter. "

Jimin smirked when your eyes went up to him, your eyes showing how angry and helpless you felt. And it was exquisite.

"I bet you didn't know about your beloved boyfriend's background,locked up in a rehab center for alcoholics for two years. Three years taking therapy for his depression after the tragic death of his parents, quite strong actually." His words had such a strong past but from his mouth they came out as if it were not so important. Something common for him. "I'm surprised he loved you so much and didn't tell you."

You cried unable to turn your face to look at him, deep down you wanted to put Yoongi aside and not hate him for this. But it seemed almost impossible when he was there, doing nothing, so calm that it was unreal that he had ever looked at you directly and declared his love to you over and over again. For months.

"He really was fine for a while until we decided to make him fall again, one drink after another... First trust him, then question their relationship and finally make them argue." A laugh left his lips, it was almost uncomfortable that he was the only one doing it. Everyone else was so quiet just watching. "But I can't give myself all the credit, let me introduce ourselves well, my dear."

Jimin walked away from you letting you breathe again, you had almost forgotten that he had been doing that act against you. Your tied hands help you hold off the ground by not being able to breathe properly, you feel so weak that you are about to pass out but you refuse to look weak in front of them.

"Kim Seokjin, son of the best chefs in the country and heir owner of thousands of five-star restaurants, inside and outside the country." His body crouched down, making an extremely long bow. Namjoon stood next to him, with the same smile from the day he met you. "Kim Namjoon, the only and adored son of the best lawyers and mayoral candidates, future presidents if occasion permits." There was a strange tone behind his voice, with a knowing wink. "I thought you can guess what Hoseok's parents do, but I'll tell you just in case. Great psychiatrists recognized for their countless achievements outside and within the country, having a tradition from generation to generation, capable of manipulating even the cleverest mind like yours."

Hosoek smiled at you, but this time his smile showed malice and pride. All that time you were surrounded by people who wielded a certain power and influence, oblivious to the fact that they could ever use it against you.

"Park Jimin, Kim Taehyung... Maybe you heard about their surnames on the news two years ago? Families specialized in medicine, their knowledge dazzles science and biology. Before allies and now both surnames are enemies competing for the market, but who would say that their children would meet secretly and use their same knowledge to retain a precise treasure." His hand stroked your hair causing you to recoil angrily, with a grimace of disgust and resignation. "Well... Finally Jungkook, son of the best technology creators in the country. Capable of creating anything, millionaires obviously, like everyone. Faithful lovers and devoted to he son, giving him everything he wants. " He stopped for a moment and then brought his hand to your ear taking out one of your earrings, you looked at him confused before he opened it showing a tiny device that lit up. "Even creating a more than wonderful device, a tracker of the smallest size."

You opened your mouth completely petrified, looking at each and every one of them. Most of them had a firm and conceited posture, but your eyes only looked at him.

"Were you in on this?" You ask by moving your body slightly, Yoongi only remains silent, avoiding looking at you at all costs, even if it is out of mercy you demand a simple word. "Speak! Tell me! Tell me!" You scream completely out of control, letting out all your frustration and anger with him, just him. It's all his fault. "Tell me now! To finally be able to completely hate them all... Please tell me, I just want to stop inventing and fooling my head trying to justify why you are standing there doing nothing for me" You sob almost exhausted, " Without helping me, when before you said you love me."

His eyes meet yours a few seconds before Jungkook chimed in, completely certain that you were trying to play your manipulation cards to get rid of them. Funny, they had done the same to catch you, their hyung could sometimes be so... credulous. That it was ironic that she was older than him.

"Good enough talk for today." He demanded, causing you to hide your head again in fear. You were so scared, even with the pain in your cheek and jaw from being forced by Jimin, you would never give up on them.

Your mouth felt dry, you couldn't remember the last time you drank water alone. As if they could read your thoughts, Taehyung appeared with a tray with a glass of water and a purple pill.

"Take that away from me." You scream when he tries to put the pill in your mouth, backing up as far as your bound legs will allow.

He sighs bored, as if he doesn't have the patience to deal with it, "If you want water you'll have to do this."

"What is it?" You ask almost breathless from the lack of water in your body, he smiles before bringing the pill to his face to look at it rolling it on his finger.

"Hm... Vitamins." Respond after hesitating. "Everything you need in one compact little pill. It was an invention by Jimin and me, we were hoping you would be the first to try it."

A few seconds ago you remember hearing about the reputations of both families, they were specialists who probably passed that knowledge on to their children. If they knew what they were doing with them, they would be shocked. Your reasoning tells you no, to throw it away and try to run away but your head and body can't take it anymore, they demand water and a rest.

"I-it's okay." You accept, removing the pill and the glass of water from the tray angrily. You put the pill in first, then the water so hard your mouth hurts from the force.

You return the glass silently, eyeing him suspiciously before sitting back down and walking a few inches away. You wait for everyone to do something, but they stay so still as dolls that it scares you, everything about them and their attitudes was creepy.

I wish you had noticed earlier.

And now you feel it, it was not pain, nor anxiety. I was just calm, the noises seem to decrease and your vision does not blur but you feel so relaxed that you do not seem to be affected by any drugs. You could feel it all, but you didn't care.

It was relaxing but you weren't far this time, you remember the previous scenes. When you ate the food they gave you, it was similar but as if it had been modified so that you can remain docile and obedient, but at the same time you know what they are doing.

Your body falls on the bed, you don't even try to get up. Your brain isn't thinking about that, it just gets distracted by the decorations around it, but it clearly perceives one of them nearby. Namjoon is behind your body lying face down, half is on the bed and your legs are still kneeling on the floor. You feel his kisses so desperate on your neck, his hands touching your breasts and stomach trying to lower himself further, anxious not to wait to fuck you as he always wanted and should have been.

You do not fight when his legs open yours with force and speed, you just stand still, thinking with your head glued to the soft sheets of the bed, deep down you can slightly feel your desire to push him and push him away furiously, you want to do it but not you do. You feel so confused that you sob into the sheets in released frustration.

"I thought I heard from you, that her wouldn't refuse anything with his stupid pill." Jin whispers, disgusted seeing you struggle with yourself in search of reason.

"I don't see her deny it." Jimin retorts, crossing his arms with a small victorious smile.

Yoongi stands aside, not wanting to accept this but likewise, like you, does nothing to avoid it while Namjoon sinks deep inside you causing you to writhe overwhelmed and let out a groan of pain, your mouth opens to complain and probably ask him to stop, but he instantly closes again only releasing more gasps and squeals.

They spend minutes with all eyes on you, taking the cock of her friend who abuses your sore pussy from overstimulation, this time you are crying and begging for mercy to stop. Even in your unconsciousness you continue to feel all the pain and also the pleasure that is now almost non-existent.

"S-stop!" You cry between gasps of exhaustion, your hands had been released by Jungkook seconds ago so that you can hold on properly. However, you only use them to try to ward off Namjoon who is holding you against the bed by slamming his body against yours with obscene noises. The bed squirms like you, colliding with the wall in sync.

"A little more baby... Just a little more... And I'll fill you with my cum, so fucking tight. You like that, hm?" Her breath very close to your cheek makes you react, you squeeze your eyes almost suffering from your next inevitable orgasm. You scream making everyone watch you fascinated by how your face contracts with pleasure and pain, you try to walk away when the moment of ecstasy recedes, but he continues to fuck you bareback hard, selfishly chasing the release of him against you.

You spent hours repeating the same routine, sometimes sometimes even more hours than you can remember or count.. Your body was completely covered with bruises and marks not only made by them manually, you had discovered in the worst way that Hoseok had a great fetish to make small cuts to any animal or person that had skin and that glistening blood came out of those wounds, red as hell and as sweet as ambrosia.

A delicacy, truly a true delicacy blessed by God.

Jin could not stop laughing at your overwhelmed face, sometimes he would sit next to you while your body was fucked uncontrollably, watching your face move on the sheets with the constant and hard movements of his friends.

"Do you enjoy it, you dirty bitch?" You knew he was making fun of it, not only because it denigrated your dignity, but also because you couldn't answer correctly and the only thing that moved was your head up and down from the thrusts. As if you were affirming his disgusting words. "You like it right?" And again. "I bet you will enjoy it every day from now on, do you want to marry us, little bitch? Be ours forever, that we fuck you every damn day like that, that we also fill you up that you would get pregnant, you would have our children , and you would gladly. Do you accept _______?"

You did not want to know where he managed to get your last name, nor your full name and less because he thought that after the effect of whatever they had given you, you would really accept being his damned wife.

But he just stands there, watching Jungkook abuse his new power against you and taunt him.

I just wanted to wait for everyone to leave, so I could hug you, heal you, and ask for forgiveness.

He couldn't save you if he was chained to the basement like they threatened to do. He was afraid of his own friends, who looked at him madly when hours before he thought of withdrawing from the plan, Hoseok as charismatic as he always claimed to be able to cut his neck so easily if I took you away from them.

Now, they were doomeds.

The painting lost its color once more.

[necros-writing-stuff]

What are ED blogs? Just curious, never heard term before

Eating Disorder blogs. I'll put more explanation below the cut just in case someone who finds it triggering hasn't blocked the tag I use yet.

These blogs often have stuff in their bios such as "gw" (goal weight) and "cw" (current weight), as well as other incremental goals they plan on reaching. I naturally end up seeing these when I check for ages.

Other names the community goes by includes pro-ana and thinspo.

Now, I usually do not share personal details here - especially not in detail, but I'm feeling like sharing today. But I have an ED. I have a mix between ARFID and anorexia, however both are managed and I have no issue with them. Yet, their content can still be triggering.

I was lucky never to be in any ED communities that actively promote not eating or purging, both of which are extremely harmful. But to those that are in them, they act like cults. They make any who criticise them out of concern villains and preach that they're doing nothing wrong. Or, they know what they're doing is wrong (please note that a lot of them are minors, too), and continue to ignore rightfully or attack concerned people and stick with not seeking help for a mental illness known to be extremely fatal when left untreated.

Some of the shit you see from these blogs is abhorrent. I've seen so much bullying. They'll attack others of the community for being above certain weights - even when photos of said person show them to be extremely thin as-is. God help you if your BMI is in the green, and may all God's ever help you if your BMI is on the higher side. They're vicious. They can't let people be happy as they are. When they aren't bullying, they're love bombing the shit out of their star little pupils. Again, cult-like.

I really do implore that anyone who comes across these blogs block them. Maybe even report depending on what you see - if you are mentally well enough to even look.

If you're in this community I know you likely stay because you think it's the only place that accepts you as you are. But they are harming you. Please, reach out to any professionals you can, if you can, or any authority figure you trust. Like I said, I have EDs. I know how hard it is to recover and to keep on that path. But it's so so worth it man. Don't risk major health complications over your looks of all things. Any person worth their salt doesn't give a shit about how much you weigh so long as you're not killing yourself. It's those that do that are the issue.

I would like to remind any reading this: don't come to me for help. I don't know how to help you. I'm just a smut writer, and you will trigger me. Don't fucking vent in my ask box about your EDs. Don't be an asshole. I know you want support, but I'm a stranger on my own road to recovery. I'm not the person you're looking for and I will block you. There are communities that are open to help. Please, go find them.

[collectionsofbitsandbops]

Books I think characters would like

Note :this is a work in progress. This is just for fun. Maybe just view this as book recommendations ok. Also I am only putting books I have read on this list. And feel free to add books as well. I love a good book recommendation.

(also let me know if the links work. this is my first time trying this.)

Loki:

East of Eden- A book about brothers and choosing your fate, rather than accepting what people say about you. Also fantastic writing and some of the best descriptions of California I have ever experienced.

Arabian Love Poems- listen, Loki loves poetry. No one does love poetry better than Nizar Kabbani.

On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous- The chokehold Ocean Vuong has on the English language. Even if the story of a gay immigrant child writing to his mother in a language she cannot read doesn't appeal to Loki (which I think it would), the lyricism of this book would be appealing enough.

My Sister, the Serial Killer- Dark Comedy, I think it would be a light read for Loki, but the story would entertain him for sure.

Wuthering Heights- a) the writing is great. b) the line between love and hate is thin. its the passion that drives them. c) ghosts

The Count of Monte Cristo- Revenge with a flair of dramatics. Totally Loki's style.

Steve:

Say Nothing: A True Story of Murder and Memory in Northern Ireland- This book covers complexities in war and also doing what you think is right even if others get hurt, in such an empathetic way. Like the author is clear bad things happen, but explains what drives people to do them and also why it isn't black/white. Also isn't Steve an Irish immigrant or something of that nature. anyway this is the rec that made me want to make this post.

Know my name- I think Steve is really into memoirs and this is one of the best ones I have ever read. Also he would totally be a feminist who fights rapists.

The Picture of Dorian Gray- Irish literature because Steve can now afford to read all the books he wants.

The Outsiders- boys fighting for friends.

Bucky:

The Martian- Bucky is a scifi dude and you can't tell me otherwise. This features isolation, being left behind, and yet your friends choosing to risk it all to save you. Which is basically the modern story of Steve and Bucky, so yea. oh and the sarcasm in this book is through the roof.

Mind of my mind- Scifi and mind control. That's the logic.

The Black God's Drums- this is a novella that has set the standard for all novellas. The story, characters, and world are all so vivid, despite how short the story is. It has the classic, underdog saves the day and I see this being a pick me up for Bucky.

Frankenstein: The story of a monster being created, the creator not taking care/responsibility, and then the monster coming after the creator. I think Bucky would relate to the monster honestly.

Astrophysics for People in a hurry- science yet digestible. This book would totally live on his nightstand.

Bonus:

Set Boundaries, Find Peace- the book I recommend to everyone, bust especially those who need to work on mental health and let's be honest nearly every marvel character needs therapy.

[bookofmirth]

I find it very alarming and worrying that you’re a teacher and you’re comparing black men getting lynched to a fictional character being uncomfortable around another fictional character, for something fictional like a mating bond. It’s even more alarming that you think you have a right to do so and to educate people on racism, because you, a white woman, have learned a lot from black women on Twitter.

White people should never speak on racism and making this outrageous comparisons, especially when it’s blatantly clear they’re using real world issues for a shipwar.

White people should absolutely speak out about racism, what the fuck are you on??? Do you want all white people to stay home and ignore BLM? Should we stay home when POC in Flint Michigan still don't have clean fucking water? Should we avoid teaching authors of color in our classes because we aren't people of color? Like... what the actual fuck.

It's called being an ally, bestie. I can speak on being queer, and I can speak on mental health, and I can speak on being in emotionally abusive relationships. I really, really appreciate when people who don't have those experiences help me with those conversations sometimes.

We cannot talk about it from a personal experience perspective, but we absolutely 100% should educate ourselves and then share that with others if possible. And that education never ends. I happen to have a lot of background knowledge about the history of racism (and sexism) in the US and so I am using that to support others.

I also happen to have a significant platform on tumblr, and I know my posts are shared elsewhere. Why would I not want to use that to my advantage and educate people on how they are contributing to a historically racist trend? Fact is that white (or any other privileged) voices are vital. All those posts about "reblog this if you care!" are bullcrap, but also come from the fact that we do need people talking about problems, and the fact is that some voices are taken more seriously than others. It's not right, but until racism and sexism and ableism are eradicated, that's how it is.

What you just said is exactly why I explained where my information is coming from. Knowledge comes from multiple sources, and I was explaining that if anyone has additional information from other sources, including people of color who had another perspective or something to add, they would do that. That is why I said: here is a list of books that I used to gather this information, and it was a list of books by POC.

Also, *Black women.

I was not comparing lynching to Elain being "uncomfortable", you absolute tomato. I was saying that there is a clear history of men of color being portrayed to victimize white women, which is false, because it is really just an excuse to perpetuate white supremacy and racism. That is what makes this discussion about Lucien harmful. Please actually read my posts, don't just look at the pretty and racist pictures.

Racism and sexism and homophobia and ableism don't just appear out of thin air with zero context or history or baggage. There are reasons that certain metaphors are harmful (look up the phrase "rule of thumb", please), and it is often because of the history of their use. Not everyone understands that history because they either 1) don't care, 2) don't bother to look when someone mentions, or 3) refuse to accept that they live in a society once they do look into it. E.g. "I would never, as an individual living autonomously in the world and never being influenced at all by anything happening around me!!!!" I give people the benefit of the doubt and explain those things to them. Too bad you don't accept that we live in a society.

This has zero to do with a ship war, because in reality it has zero to do with Elain (even though people keep trying to shove her into the conversation). It's about Lucien, his race as we the readers, people in the real world who do live with theses issues, view his race, and the way that people have zero problem perpetuating a discussion that has been decades in the making and helps prop up white supremacy and racism.

PS If you were in my class you'd have better critical thinking skills, too bad.

[littlemisspascal]

Death and an Angel part 8

Helmetless + Death!Din and Cupid F!Reader

Summary:  “You have become the only one in the universe who can claim to uniquely know him.”

Rating: T

Word Count: 2,002

Warnings: fluffy fluff, some plot, swearing, reunions, soft!Din, Kuiil thinks Cupid is a fool, Kuiil’s backstory from canon, surprisingly little angst (it shocked me too)

Author Note: I want to apologize to those on the tag list not getting notified. I have no idea why Tumblr isn’t cooperating and I feel horrible about it. I love each and every one of you who spares time to read this segment/series and I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season.

Links to Part 1 and Part 7 and Part 9

Cross-posted on AO3.

Photo Inspiration:

The next morning you find Kuiil outside welding together two pieces of metal at his workbench. IG-11 tends to the small herd of blurrg the Ugnaught keeps in a large pen, feeding the two-legged creatures their breakfast. Although you were initially wary, the former assassin droid has been nothing but kind to you, if not a little obsessive about checking the bandage on your head every few hours.

“IG was explicitly warned by Death what would happen if your health declined in his absence,” Kuiil had informed you the previous evening when your attempt to stop the droid’s incessant fretting failed.

“He’s such a worrywart,” you muttered as IG-11 scanned your temperature, heart skipping a beat as it always does when you think about Din’s protective nature. There’s something unbelievably attractive about him making threats when it came to your wellbeing.

“A worrywart who left his gunship in my yard.” Kuiil aimed a sharp look towards the entrance of his home, as if he could see the Razor Crest from this distance.

You snorted a laugh at him calling Arvala-7’s desert landscape a yard of all designations, only for the rest of his sentence to register a beat later, making your eyebrows rise to your hairline. “Wait, what? He seriously left the Crest here? Why would he do that?”

“The quicker his trip to Nevarro, the quicker he returns to your side,” was the response, accompanied with a shrewd look implying you were a fool for asking such a question.

Your Ugnaught host reminds you of a grandfather figure; a bit prickly and blunt at times, but ultimately kindhearted and selfless at his core, wanting only what’s best for those in his care. Between his insistence you keep resting in his bed and IG-11’s nurse programming, you no longer wonder why Din chose to leave you with them, thoroughly convinced you’re receiving better around-the-clock care than most people experience in medcenters.

Kuiil turns when you approach him, pushing his goggles back to the top of his cap as he clicks off the welding torch, eyes giving you a cursory once-over. You feel better than you had yesterday, both headache and dizziness gone, and he must sense that since his head dips in a firm nod, satisfied with what he sees.

“Good morning,” you greet, smiling.

“Morning,” he replies. His expression turns repentant, eyebrows lowering. “My apologies for waking you, but I could not let these repairs remain unfinished.”

“It’s okay.” You tilt your head up towards the sky, enjoying the warmth of the early sunshine after spending the entire previous day cooped inside his home. “I’m supposed to report back to headquarters later today, so I needed to be up anyways.”

Hearing the words out loud grounds the upcoming meeting in reality. It’s really happening. Hours from now, you're going to have to tell your bosses everything, now including your new title as Din’s soulmate. Maker, you can just imagine Hess staring you down with those beady, rat-like eyes of his, asking question after question about you and Din.

And if Hess was serious before on the comlink—and you highly doubt the bastard’s ever told a joke in his life—then there is also the very real prospect of Moff Gideon being there to take part in your interrogation.

“Are you alright?” Kuiil asks, noticing how pale you’ve become. Without waiting for an answer, he ushers you over to a nearby stool. You sit, mouth opening to reassure him you’re fine, only to be startled by the knowing glint in his eyes. “I recognize your anxious face from my years as an indentured servant. You fear punishment from your superiors.”

Your eyes widen, stomach suddenly feeling hollow. “You were a servant?”

“From my birth until my hundredth year, yes.” The nauseous feeling intensifies. You knew Ugnaughts typically lived up to two-hundred years, meaning Kuiil had lived half of his lifetime in servitude. “Earning my freedom did not occur without harsh discipline.”

You draw in a shaky breath at that. It feels wrong, being worried about meeting with your bosses when there are others, such as Kuiil, who have endured far worse horrors.

“Those with power think it comes from weapons and control over others through means of fear and violence,” he continues, returning the welding torch to its proper placement in his toolbox. “True power comes from the strength of one’s hope. It allows you to believe in a better future for yourself and so long as you cling to it, no enemy can break your spirit.”

His rumbling baritone washes over you, calming the worst of your worries. You press your thumb against your soulmate marking, a nervous habit that has developed since you first saw it yesterday. You’ve become addicted to the warmth the mark emanates as it reassures you you’re not hallucinating its appearance.

“I just keep thinking about what their reactions are going to be when I tell them about me and him being together,” you confess, feeling shy as you duck your chin to avoid eye contact.

“Are you embarrassed of Death being your soulmate?”

Your head snaps back up, shocked by his bluntness. “What? No. Din means everything to me.”

The words seem too loud against the quiet atmosphere of the planet. They reverberate off seemingly every surface—the desert rocks, the Razor Crest’s steel paneling and the metal roof on Kuiil’s home—echoing for miles in every direction. Despite knowing that isn’t truly possible, you are unable to stop yourself from wincing.

“You gave Death a name?” Kuiil’s bafflement is visible in the way his head tilts, looking at you in a way that is reminiscent of Omera’s puzzled expression back on Sorgan.

"I didn’t.” You shake your head, for some reason feeling the need to clarify, “He named himself. It’s just something for me to call him when we’re around mortals.”

“I have known Death many decades now,” he begins, sounding no less confused despite your explanation. “He’s quite...particular about the mortal traditions he chooses to adopt, such as appearing as a human male and piloting a gunship.”

“Yeah, I know how picky he can be,” you say slowly, not understanding what his point is.

“Not once has he ever felt compelled to use a mortal name because, in his opinion, names establish ties."

“What does that mean?”

“Without a name, he is but another stranger amongst trillions of beings, unrecognized and unmissed,” Kuiil explains, and you find yourself leaning forward, elbows on your knees. “By giving you a name to call him by, he has tied himself to you in a way he has not permitted anyone else. You have become the only one in the universe who can claim you uniquely know him.”

“Huh.” You let out a long exhale, suddenly aware of your heartbeat pounding deafeningly in your eardrums as it begins to sink in just how monumental the gift of Din’s name truly is. “Well how bout that.”

And the shrewd look from last night makes a reappearance, conveying once again how foolish he thinks you are.

“I have spoken.”

~~

People tend to forget a Cupid’s bow is first and foremost a weapon of defense. Comprised of wood from a Brylark tree, sinew from orbaks, and a thin layer of a mudhorn’s horn, it can be compared to Din’s armor in that it is virtually indestructible. A Cupid carries two types of arrows: one made from kyber crystal meant to lighten one’s emotions or, on rare occasions, induce lust, and the other one made from a kyber crystal coated in ichor, meant to inflict harm against enemies. Once a target is hit, the effects are instantaneous and the arrow vanishes in a burst of sparkling light, regenerating in your quiver seconds later.

You underwent rigorous training to learn how to become a master of archery. Your bow is bound to your Cupid abilities, capable of being summoned to your aid and dismissed with a mere thought. You were taught how to control your breathing, learning that the expanding and contracting of your chest cavity during a shot can ruin your aim. Missing a target is one of the worst mistakes a Cupid can commit, meaning you must make every single shot count.

All that to say, Cupids are fierce archers as much as they are dedicated matchmakers.

They are also dangerous when startled unexpectedly.

You’re in the middle of tidying up Kuiil’s tiny kitchen space, a task you had insisted upon after he’d served you a delicious lunch, humming to yourself quietly as you scrub at the dishes when hands wrap around your waist, pulling you backwards towards someone’s chest.

You react completely on instinct, teleporting out of their hold and reappearing on the other side of the room, bow ready with an ichor arrow aimed directly at the assailant. It is only when the meager light of the nearby lantern reflects off their beskar helmet do you realize who you’re facing.

Immediately you lower and dismiss your weapon before pressing a hand over your chest where your heart is fluttering like a trapped bird. “I’m so sorry, Din,” you tell him, limbs trembling as it sinks in just how close you were to shooting him. “Maker, you scared me and—and I thought I—well, I don’t know what I was thinking, just that I had to—”

In between blinks he appears in front of you, yanking his helmet off with such ferocity your words catch in your throat. You have only the slightest of seconds to glimpse the arousal darkening his brown eyes before he slips a hand behind your neck and crashes your lips together.

He kisses you as if you’re gravity and he’ll float away if he dares to spare a moment to breathe, sending a current of warmth surging through your body. You thought the mere touch of his hand had been life-altering, but it is a mere candle compared to the wildfire his lips spark. Your eyes fall shut as you kiss back with an equal amount of fervency, bringing him closer by wrapping your arms around his neck, grinning at the groan the action spurs from deep within his chest.

There is the heavy thud of his helmet striking the ground before he’s wrapping his hand around your waist, slotting a thigh between your legs to ensure every inch of your bodies are touching. Your cheeks rub against the scratchiness of his facial scruff, an invigorating burn you think you could easily become addicted to.

An embarrassingly high-pitched whine escapes your lips when he pulls away a minute later. He’s never looked more attractive, mouth swollen and hair disarrayed from your roaming fingers. His hands cup your face, and it occurs to you as he swipes his thumbs over your cheekbones he isn’t wearing his gloves.

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmurs, sounding slightly hoarser than usual and out of breath. His gaze roams your face, like he’s trying to re-familiarize himself with your features after the time spent apart. “Especially with your bow. When you pointed that arrow at me, there was this...fierceness in your eyes I’ve never seen before. Fuck, angel, you looked so gorgeous.”

“Seriously?” you say, raising an incredulous eyebrow, because of-kriffing-course he’d be the one being in the whole universe who is turned on by a weapon being pointed at him.

“Seriously.” He leans in, forehead pressing against yours, noses brushing. It’s hard to focus when he’s this close, like you’ve again entered that separate realm where it’s just you and him.

“Din, look,” you whisper, fighting the magnetic pull insisting you kiss him again long enough to show him your marked hand. “It’s real. I’m yours and you’re mine.”

The smile that stretches across his face when he sees it is nothing short of breathtaking.

“Angel,” he says, tilting your head so the words are spoken right against your lips. “I’ve wanted to hear you say those words ever since I gave you my name.”

Tag List: @leilei-draws​, @theocatkov​, @vintagesaph​, @stardust-and-starlight​, @adrieunor​, @remmyswritings​, @gallowsjoker​, @rhiannon-russo​, @randomness501​, @sylphene​, @softly-sad​, @maytheglitter​, @melobee​, @rogertaylorsfalsettogivesmehives​, @eleinemk​, @captain-jebi​, @aerynwrites​, @promiscuoussatan​, @stilllivindue2spite​, @coaaster​, @lin-djarin​, @becauseican2, @kay2304, @odelia-d32, @nicotinebirds

[softinkshadows]

Shingeki no Kyojin Astrology: sun-moon-rising combinations

I was looking around tumblr for detailed astrology speculations of my fave anime characters, but there aren't that many! Being q well-versed in astro myself, i thought why not do my own version (very spoiler-free, don’t worry)! I followed the birth dates given by isayama:

Eren Jaeger - Aries sun, Scorpio moon, Cancer rising Aside from the fact that he can be hotheaded and impulsive, Eren's feelings of vengeance run deep and explosive. Remember that time he was chained to the bed after the attack on trost, and his eyes were wild with the need to violently eradicate all titans? He's so tenacious and emotionally stubborn too (a Scorp moon trait) to the point of being closed off from everyone else, especially towards the end where he seems to take the weight of the world's burden on his own shoulders. And all for the sake of protecting his community and ensuring the safety of his friends for the rest of their lives. His comrades and family are his motivation. This is his Cancer rising steering his life.

Mikasa Ackerman - Aries sun, Aquarius moon, Aries rising "Look that moody brat is running off on her own again." Mikasa is similar to Eren in her impulsiveness and determination, but different in two ways- what they aim to protect and their extent of fearlessness. Eren is aware of his own weaknesses and helplessness, but Mikasa's amazing physical prowess makes her act without any hesitation at all. She's hella fierce and driven to keep herself in shape too, doing all those sit-ups and chopping firewood post-injury. I think she deserves a double Aries! An Aries rising means a Libra descendant too, which is reflected her whole-hearted devotion in her close partnerships (Eren and Armin). Her aquarius moon really shines thru with her stoic independence, focus and perseverance.

Armin Arlet - Scorpio sun, Virgo moon, Pisces rising He's the brain of the 104th cadet corps, and is second to Erwin in terms of strategy! An intelligent planner with low self-esteem often found second guessing his own analytical abilities, Armin is a true blue Virgo moon. His emotional self stands out the most from the main three protagonists - Eren & Mikasa mostly express anger and desperation, whereas Armin is usually shrouded in fear and worry. He's a very soft bb, hence the Pisces rising, not to mention he gets so dreamy imagining the sea, the vast plains, and the magical world beyond the walled universe he knows. A spiritually-attuned and curious explorer :")

Levi Ackerman - Capricorn sun, Scorpio moon, Virgo rising Levi is such a complex person, thanks to Isayama's brilliance. Like many Cap suns, Levi is authoritative, cold and incredibly savage. That's not to say he doesn't feel anything either. Levi is an evolved Scorp moon (maybe even moon in 11th house) because his feelings are never for himself, but he hurts so much for others - you can tell every death hits him so hard, but he doesn't show this to anyone else. He also exudes this quietly intimidating aura of natural competence, a common characteristic of this sun-moon combo. He can take things personally as well (re: height issues) but it never snowballs into more than passing irritation. The turbulence of his emotions and habit for violence is balanced out by his earthy Virgo rising, which is emotionally subdued, quite thin and delicate in physique, and super neurotic and nitpicky when it comes to cleanliness and health. Cap, Virgo and Scorp are some of the most guarded signs, and a combi of all 3 are hellish. You can tell this poor beautiful man is always caught between feeling and thinking, between maintaining his humanity and forsaking it.

Erwin Smith - Libra sun, Capricorn moon, Leo rising In another life, Erwin Smith would be the damn CEO of a global conglomerate because he oozes so much charisma. Hell if charisma were energy Erwin Smith would be its prime, eternally renewable source. His stature alone is so commanding, and I find some strong Leonine traits in his thickset physique, strong eyebrows, beautiful hair, and that way he shouted in full glory atop wall Rose in that one episode to the cheering masses below. He might be a Libra sun, diplomatic in political affairs, but his Capricorn moon is what drives his decisions. Cap moon has a rep for being cold and unemotional, but i believe they are way more than that! Cap moons rarely boast about their long list of achievements, instead looking forward to the next goal. They struggle with emotional expression, and are super driven and disciplined. Erwin is capable of making the hardest decisions, putting aside emotions to strive for an abstract ideal, and this is to be expected of the commander who takes on the role of the devil.

Hange Zoe - Virgo sun, Sagittarius moon, Gemini rising All hail our favourite mad scientist!! Hange is such a breath of fresh air in the Survey Corps, balancing out the heaviness of missions with their wacky tales of titan research and experimentation. Their penchant for study and higher knowledge is typical of a Sagittarius moon, who is drawn to advanced academic study and spiritual truths. It's also a lighthearted and optimistic sign, true to Hange's upbeat personality. The Virgo in them contributes to their sheer intelligence and obsessiveness with research subjects. We also know they LOVE to talk, and once Eren asks Hange about experiments, they cannot stop (Gemini governs communication). Virgo, Sag and Gemini are the most intellectual signs, and because they are mutuable Hange tends to follow orders rather than give them, making it difficult to adapt to their new role towards the end of the series. Mutable signs also means rapidly-changing emotional states, and a whole lot of chaos, which suits our beloved squad leader.

Jean Kirstein - Aries sun, Virgo moon, Taurus rising Our third Aries on the list ohmygod. The snk universe is full of feisty hotheads. Jean is always seen clashing with Eren, fuelled by Eren's closeness with Mikasa and his own adorable jealousy. I mean, they had a full on fist fight right after dinner in the mess hall, although everything went downhill after the first few punches. Our first impression of Jean during his cadet days is coloured by his desire to work in the interior, and this favour for material safety and wealth is perhaps common to a Taurus rising. Also, Taurus is ruled by Venus, planet of beauty and harmony, and thus often figures in the charts of artists. If you've seen Jean's drawing skills in that special episode, you'll know that his artistic abilities are the finest we have seen, exceeding even that of isayama himself. Jean's strong principles such as being averse to killing people and oftentimes cynical nature, is also characteristic of the moral and cautious Virgo moon.

Sasha Braus - Leo sun, Gemini moon, Taurus rising Not all Leos are showmans. Sasha is the type of Leo who displays more of the quirky, unabrashed personality suited to her opposite sister sign Aquarius. Authority doesn't exist when food comes into play, as we see when she breaks potato with Shadis and later steals a slab of meat from the officer's warehouse. Unlike the visual artistry that Jean possesses with his Taurus rising, Sasha's Taurus centers around her love for food, and hell she can have fiery determination for it (rmb the wild night she mistook Jean's hand for meat?). I love that both of them were pitted with each other in that cooking special episode. I considered placing her as a Taurus moon, but Taurus moons are usually steadier and classier in emotion, whereas Sasha is often breezy, gets nervous and chaotic, with stellar intuition, making her likely a Gemini moon.

Connie Springer - Taurus sun, Cancer moon, Gemini rising Although not much attention is paid to Connie's growth, his character development reminds me a lot of Aang from ATLA. Cheery and happy-go-lucky at first, before the incident with his mother made him more prone to feelings of anger and vengeance, especially near the later chapters. His strong protective bond with his mother is what compels me to say he is a Cancer moon, which is a moon sign that is very homebody and drawn to family and traditions. His goofy self and him referring to Sasha as "his twin" puts him as the spunky Gemini rising, another sign he shares with her.

Reiner Braun - Leo sun, Pisces moon, Capricorn rising Aside from his natural leader personality (Leonine), Reiner likes to take on the persona of the big brother of the group. His outward stoicism, decisiveness and task-oriented nature is typical of a Cap rising, who is often serious and solemn in appearance. He reminds me of that Cap rising workaholic who does his best in a corporate organization, working 9 to 5 plus overtime as it fulfills his sense of purpose. Beyond his stoic facade reveals a more troubled personality. Like a Pisces moon, Reiner is impressionable, and it's difficult to tell if his emotions and personalities are his own, wavering and absorbing traits from those around him. His internal war with his identity and the ensuing fatigue characterises him during the second half of the series.

Annie Leonhart - Aries sun, Aquarius moon, Virgo rising Annie is the kind of Aries that is so motivated to achieve her goals that everything else is sidelined, including her own emotions. She's quite ruthless in chasing her objectives, and her composure, focus and endurance is highlighted with an Aquarius moon. I'm guessing she has a 4th house influence somewhere because of her motivations to go home to her father and lead a normal life. I find the daintiness and delicateness of her features similar to Levi, who is also a Virgo rising. The Virgo effect also registers as a brutal, unfiltered honesty (also seen in Levi), and Annie doesn't hesitate to speak the truth about her own or her opponent's capabilities.

Other characters which I won't go into much detail about:

Bertholdt Hoover - Capricorn sun, Virgo moon, Pisces rising Bertholdt is quiet with an unobtrusive personality. His lack of supposed iniative and aggression can perhaps be attributed to the mutuability of Virgo and Pisces, which goes with the flow instead of charging forward. He keeps his feelings to himself, but reacts when the people he wants to protect are threatened.

Historia Reiss - Capricorn sun, Libra moon, Cancer rising Historia initially lives for the sake of others (esp Ymir), and is more co-dependent than many of her other squadmates. She also tends to put up a front of pleasantness, afraid of disappointing or offending people. She has a strong tie to family, and a profound sense of duty.

Ymir - Aquarius sun, Pisces moon, Aries rising Ymir is extremely astute when it comes to evaluating human behaviour. The religiosity of her background is also usually found in this sun-moon combination, which tends to attract paths of strong spirituality. She also has a bold and noble sacrificial streak for the sake of her companions.

Zeke Jaeger - Leo sun, Capricorn moon, Scorpio rising A headstrong, intelligent and radical character. In a way similar to Erwin in his ruthlessness, but emotionally darker and much more sinisterly private.

Kenny Ackerman - Aquarius sun, Sagittarius moon

Rod Reiss - Virgo sun, Libra moon

Dot Pixis - Virgo sun, Sagittarius moon

Hannes - Capricorn sun, Taurus moon

[bimsha]

Hello! Can I have an Epiphany request for:

Anime - K Project

Character - Hisui Nagare

Song - Always in my heart by Tamaru Yamada

https://youtu.be/ntqxI9I6Opo

This is my first request in your blog and I look forward of how the request will turn out to be! Thank you and take care always! 🖤

Always In My Heart (Hisui Nagare x Reader)

"The life it's not for comparing things So i hold both of light and shadow"

Song : Always in My Heart but Tamaru Yamada

The sky was heavy with clouds, glooming over his head with their unshed raindrops. The tombs in the cemetery shadowed by the gloom standing in perfect lines holding in themselves a heavy sorrow, a sad story behind them. There was no one in sight, except for an old man a few feet away staring at a tomb. His thin, grey hair ruffling in the soft breeze passing them. He broke his gaze from the man back to the tomb in front of him. Gleaming even in the shadowy surroundings. He knelt and placed the bunch of white lilies in front of the tomb. She loved white lilies.

Six months ago, he was woken up to the blinding ceiling above him and the smell of antiseptic, a bitter smell for his sensitive nose. He moved his head to the right and immediately squinted at the blinding light filtering through the translucent curtains. Sitting there on the white windowsill was a vase with fresh flowers. Who would even bother? He thought glumly moving from the creaking hospital bed to a sitting position. He didn’t remember what happened. His last memory was charging at the Red King until his vision blackened. He needed more strength. His name was Nagare Hisui: The Green King, for certain people. He was supposed to be powerful. Powerful than the man he is right now and he was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to be sitting inside a lonely hospital room. Hisui struggled for a while and finally managed to sit down. There was no one inside the room. He didn’t mind the silence but it was suffocating sometimes. He didn’t have his phone, nor had a way to contact the others.

Hence, he took the best decision he could at the moment (his doctors would probably think it’s the worst decision) He made an attempt to move and managed to place his feet on the cold floor. The male stood up, one hand tightly gripping the bedpost while the other freezing in mid-air as he tried to balance. The truth was, he didn’t use his legs at all. And rarely moved. That was his way of preserving power inside him, and he didn’t blame his legs when they gave him little support and dragged him back to the bed with a pained grunt. He’ll need to try a bit more before he could stand straight on the ground. He moved his hands, planting them firmly on his mattress trying to move again when the corner of his eyes caught movement. Hisui looked up, expecting a doctor or a nurse, but from the crack of his slightly opened door was a girl, probably around his age, looking at him with beady eyes. Hisui frowned, “Who is it?”

She looked startled by the sudden attention. He heard something fall and a not-so-pretty curse soon following the sound. She collected whatever thing fell and opened the door using her elbow. It was only then that he saw the crutches and her bandaged foot. “What are you doing?”

The girl frowned. “I heard someone groaning in pain, I just came to look”

Hisui turned his gaze to her bandaged foot and then looked back at her. “And you’re supposed to be out of bed because?”

She rolled her eyes, “Because I was on my way to the exercise rooms. I need to make sure I’m all better and you’re trying so hard to run away because?”

Hisui glared at her. He had always been a man of few words and a real-life conversation was strictly ignored except for his closest people. “I’m just trying to get up”

She gestured to the corner of the room. Hisui followed her gaze to see the familiar wheelchair. “I think that probably has something to do with your inability to walk at the moment”

Hisui would’ve flushed but he barely constrained himself. He was feeling extra emotional and angry this morning. Probably a side effect of pain killers and he blamed Tenkei for bringing him here and not their usual hideout. She doesn’t seem to notice his overwhelming emotional status as she looks around. “Do you need help?”

Hisui almost snapped back a no but hesitated. He did want to get out of this smell and this building. He’d give anything to get some fresh air. “Yes” after a beat, he added, “please”

The girl walked to him with the aid of her crutches and looped one of her arms around him helping the male to walk towards the wheelchair. It was obviously a bad idea, because one, Hisui put his full weight on the girl because he was barely able to walk and two, you shouldn’t ask help to walk from a person using crutches. The almost knocked over the wheelchair and crashed to the floor. “You said you could help” Hisui said, wondering why he was stupid enough to ask her for help.

“I overestimated my abilities to help you, pardon” She grinned from her place on the floor. She didn’t seem to be least bothered by the fact that both of them were on the floor. And none of them had the ability to walk properly. “Great, just great,” he muttered under his breath. The doctors soon rushed in and helped them from their awkward position and both of them got a heavy warning from the doctors. Hisui scowled at them, looking away. The girl apologized to them again, turning to leave the room when he finally realized he hadn’t even gotten the name of that annoying human being. But before he could talk, she was gone. He could barely make out her outline, limping towards a door just a few feet away from his own hospital room. The rest of the day he finally decided to bear in the hospital for a bit longer. When Tenkei arrived in the afternoon with Sukuna he did his best to compose himself without lunging at him like a hungry wolf. (Not that he was in any status to do that anyway) Tenkei apologized profusely, trying to make amends with the Green King while Sukuna stood behind him making faces and giggling uncontrollably. According to him, seeing Nagare Hisui inside a hospital was a once in a lifetime chance. After the visiting hours were over, they both bid farewell to the male. Tenkei promised him he’d talk about the discharge with the authorities. He barely looked at the food they brought him. Instead, he found himself wondering about the weird girl he met earlier. It was one hell of a first impression she made.

When the nurse came to give him his medication, he actually found himself asking about her. The nurse smiled, “Oh, you must be talking about (Y/n). She had made quite an impression it seems. She’s friendly with everyone around here. She’s quite talkative”

“I can see that” He mumbled, groaning. "Why is she here?”

“She’s an athlete, had a bad injury”

Hisui wanted to know more details and it was strange that he was pestering about this girl he barely knew about but there was an effect on her. Like she had this magnetic force that drew people in. Hisui had to agree, she was pretty weird. He stopped asking questions and just followed the nurse's instructions focusing on getting discharged instead. But it turned out he’d had to spend a couple of days because they had to run a few tests before releasing him. He didn’t have to wait alone for long, because there she was, waving him by the door. “Can I come in?”

Hisui watched her for a second. His expression was passive and cold. For a moment he wanted to tell her to leave but another part of him wanted to invite her in. He settled with a shrug which the girl interpreted to be a welcoming gesture. She limped towards his bed, “Want to see whether today you can actually get to that wheelchair?”

Hisui shrugged. It was closer to his bed than it was before. He gave it a try, and it certainly worked. She grinned, gesturing towards the door. “Let’s go out. Seems like you could use some fresh air”

As much as he wanted not to accept, the sound of fresh air seemed divine. He followed her in his wheelchair as the girl led him towards an open balcony on their floor. It was empty except for a woman sitting in the lobby adjoining the balcony, staring at a magazine. The quietly passed her and stepped into the open balcony, feeling the fresh air surrounding them. “This is heaven” She muttered, leaning against the railing. Her crutches resting beside her.

Hisui stared at her, confused. “Why are you doing this? I don’t even know you”

She smiled, “You’re the only person who’s closer to my age in here. Everyone’s old. So I thought it'd be great to get to know you!” Her voice was cheerful and… magnetic? He couldn’t place it. But there was a way she talked as if she had been your friend for years. Hisui didn’t really associate with people and he had no idea about social cues. The girl standing in front of him, who was nothing but a stranger was trying to be friends with him. Is this how normal human beings function? He wondered cluelessly.

“How can you be so cheerful when your leg is like that? Aren’t you an athlete?”

“Seems like someone had done his homework” She teased good naturedly. “My leg will get better. I can go back to the track field soon after. I’m counting days until I do.”

“Is it worth it?” He asked, “You’d get injured again” It was almost hypocritical that he was asking this. He himself had given up on his own trying to achieve his goals. What mattered to him were the goals and his ambitions. His health was one of the least things in his mind.

“Don’t jinx it.” She shoved her hands into her pockets. “I’d get better and next time I’d be careful. Running is my dream. What’s life without a dream?”

“An easy one” Hisui blurted out. “You need a goal, not a dream”

She gave him a confused look, “What do you mean?”

“Life is not something to enjoy” Hisui found himself saying. He didn’t know why he was talking about this deep topic with a stranger. But there he was, talking about his ideologies just because he felt she was going after something like that. “It’s a responsibility we all have to carry no matter how bad the outcome will be.”

She was quiet for a moment, “Wow, that’s deep.” (Y/n) sat down on the bench propping her leg on it, looking for a comfortable position. “You can enjoy life, Hisui” He raised his brow when she smiled sheepishly. “I asked your name from one of the nurses. Anyway, as I was saying, don’t you think it’s better to enjoy the life you have than to just think of it as a responsibility? There’s much more to it than you think”

“Don’t you like to be powerful and have control of your life, Y/n? To have your own hidden power?”

She laughed, “You don’t need a power to control your own life Hisui. Your life is yours. What you do with it is your choice.” She sighed, looking at the sky above them, clear blue like a crystal. “It’s sad you think your life is just some game or a responsibility. There’s so much more to it”

Hisui was not convinced but he didn’t talk anymore. He was done with expressing himself deeply for the day. He didn’t know how she was able to get him to talk at all. Did she secretly have a power? Was she serious about not wanting a power? He didn’t find answers to his questions but he did find an annoying friend. After his routine medication, Y/n bursts into his room with a grin. “I’ve got something!” She announced, jumping to his bed, WITHOUT his consent. She was close that he could smell her hair. He almost drew away when she dropped a game console in his hand. “I’ve got the staff to let us play video games!” Her voice was cheery, almost as if she had won the gold medal at the Olympics. Hisui stared dumbly at the device when the screen in his room lit up.

“You don’t know what you’re signing up for" Hisui said quietly, gripping on his console. “You’re going to lose”

She huffed, offended by his remark. “The confidence. Let’s see that after the game sweetheart. I’ve got this one”

Actually, she was bad at it. She was so bad at video games that Hisui almost laughed. But her determination was incredible. “One more. I think I got it” She said, leaning forward, squinting at the screen. “Just a little more push”

Hisui shook his head as the screen displayed Game Over. She groaned, falling back to the bed as if it was her own. For the first time in his life, Hisui didn’t mind someone he barely knew was right beside him, playing video games and losing like a pro. “Told you”

“You’re just too good at this” She muttered, sitting back up. “Teach me your ways, sensei”

“No”

“Rude” She groaned, “One more game?”

“You’re going to lose, what’s the difference?”

“It’s fun?”

“It is not”

“You smiled though” She said with a cocky grin. Hisui was quite sure he DID NOT smile.

“I didn’t” He added firmly, crossing his arms. “You’re imagining things”

“Isn’t this fun?” This time Hisui actually answered the question.

“A bit, I guess”

“What do you think about life now?” She asked hopefully. Hisui actually snorted at that question.

“Life is not a video game.”

She scowled, nudging him with her elbow. The bandages were off her leg, Hisui noticed, blinking. And she was not even wearing the hospital gown. How did he miss those changes? “Are you out of the hospital?”

“Took you exactly two hours to notice, congrats! But yes I am. Still not allowed in the fields but I’m trying on my own.” She patted her leg. “I’d be up and running in no time”

“Don’t you get sick of it?” Hisui asked, leaning back. “Do you think any of this has any meaning at all?"

She leaned back with him. Their heads were just a few centimeters apart from each other. They both stared at the ceiling. “Does it matter? As long as I know my dreams, as long as I can be with the people who are precious to me, I don’t care.” She turned her head to look at his eyes. “Life is not something you calculate and walk through. Take it as you can and try your best and you’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel, that’s what my mom told me.”

Precious people, Hisui thought, moving his gaze back to the ceiling. His mind instantly landed on the small group he always had with him. The only family he ever had. Hisui loved and cared for them, he really did. But was it enough? Y/n laughed beside him. “You got your thinking face on. Stop being so hard on yourself”

“I am not being hard on myself”

“You are being hard on yourself. You never smile, you’re always like this” She made a ridiculous expression on her face.

Hisui leaned in and flicked her forehead, groaning. “I do not” He felt his lips curl into a smile. A genuine smile that lightened his heart. She truly had this aura around him that cheered others up in an instant.

“See? You look really good when you’re smiling”

Hisui scowled, “Shut up”

Their conversation was cut short by Yukari, who walked in with a handful of bags and a bunch of flowers being the gentleman he is. Hisui’s eyes instantly landed on the flowers, white lilies. “Aren’t those for funerals?” He didn’t care Yukari saw him with the girl, he had his eyes on the flowers.

Y/n slapped his arm, standing up. “Those are white lilies!” She exclaimed looking at him. “They symbolize purity and rebirth. Like I can go back to the field again!” She twirled around with a laugh. “Stop seeing negativity and start looking for something positive young man” She bowed to Yukari who looked rather impressed.

“The young lady knows what she’s talking about. Think positively Hisui”

She smiled, a gentle smile that was always there when she talked with him. She waved, “I’d see you two around then. And you” She pointed a threatening finger. “Don’t you dare say anything about white lilies, they are my favourite flowers”

Yukari raised his brow with an amused smile as she left the room and Hisui found himself already missing her. After that, Y/n didn’t come around for a few days. Hisui quietly wondered whether she had finally gotten enough of him when she walked in just the day before his discharge. “Hello, missed me?”

“No” Hisui answered right off the bat.

“Liar liar pants on fire” She sang along, walking in. Her hair moving to her moments, the curls at the end bouncing with rhythm. He didn’t know when he started to notice the little things about her. “Wanna go to the rooftop?”

Hisui shrugged. He had done some exercise the past few days and now with some help he could actually move. Y/n wrapped one of her arms around him helping him up. They both took the lift to reach the rooftop. As soon as they reached there, Hisui collapsed onto a bench with an exhausted sigh. She sat down beside him. Both of them were welcomed by the blue sky, patterned with white clouds. The breeze around them was comforting. “I finally started practicing again” she said. There was this glint of excitement in her eyes that Hisui never saw when looking in the mirror. She was actually passionate about what she loved.

“Good for you” He said, allowing himself to be happy for her.

“What are you going to do when you leave? I don’t know a thing about you”

“I don’t know. Just continue what I have been doing, I guess.” He stated with a sigh. He had no idea what he wanted to do anymore. She had changed something in him. “Don’t you get scared?” He asked, “There will always be someone better than you no matter how hard you try. Don’t you think everyone should have the same powers and talents?”

She shrugged, “If you keep comparing yourself to others your whole life, you’re not living it, you’re judging yourself. The best is to keep trying your best and treat yourself like you deserve everything you have right now. If everyone had equal things the world would be so boring. When I see someone powerful than me, it gives me a thrill to try harder. Gives me a purpose. I’m going to reach that level”

The wind carried the long locks of her hair behind her. Hisui felt a tingling sensation to reach out and tuck it behind her ear. “Aren’t you afraid Y/n? You’d lose yourself if you just kept pushing yourself like that”

She turned around to look at him and laughed nudging their shoulders together. “Silly, I know who I am” She placed a hand on her chest, proudly huffing. “Right here in my heart I’ll always know me”

Hisui hummed, not answering. He turned back to the sky as both sat there in the comfortable silence, reminiscing the words they had spoken, the depths they had gone into each other’s souls. After some time, they decided to head back. The air was getting colder around them. She stood by the door looking at him for a moment. “I’ll see you tomorrow! I’d come back with chocolates to celebrate you getting discharged!”

Hisui’s heart skipped a beat and he nodded. She waved at him with the same grin painting her face. He watched her skipping her way towards the lift and waited for it.

That was the last time he saw her.

When he got discharged the next day, his sapphire blue eyes scanned for her figure but found none. The days following were only silence. He grew impatient and finally decided to seek her out. When Tenkei was informed about her address, he went to her place to see her. He had this rare excitement playing upon his heart. A woman opened the door and when he asked her name, the woman’s face crumpled like a sheet of paper. She burst into tears. Hisui stood by the door, stunned when a man came to the door and invited him in. They took him into a room but there was no Y/n. There was only a picture of her sitting on a low table, a vase of white lilies in front of her smiling picture. The same gentle smile. A car crash had stolen her life. The life of the girl who had been the most lively person he had ever met.

He placed the white lilies on the ground in front of the grave stone. Briefly brushing his fingers over the gray tombstone. He crouched in front of it and smiled. A sad watery smile. Silently thanking her for her words that showed him a new path in life. Thanking her for the life lessons she gave him without even knowing. To the moments they shared that he actually enjoyed. Even though brief, she was the most significant person he had ever met in life. Kind, cheerful and beautiful. He wondered what would’ve happened if he was brave enough that day. To talk about his feelings. To tell her that she’s beautiful. If he could’ve gotten a few more moments, he would’ve kissed her lips and told her how amazing she is. How she saved his life.

He walked out of the cemetery with a sad smile. Life does twist in the most painful ways. When someone’s gone, we start regretting the things we were unable to say. Things we were unable to express. It’s just how life works. Y/n’s words echoed in his heart.

“Right here in my heart I’ll always know me”

"I don't know the meaning of life But I know what's truly precious The way it's leading me to be in love No fear I can find me always in my heart"

I have nothing to say myself besides saying I'm really sorry for taking months to do this. I don't blame you if you have forgotten my existence. ;-; I have been lazy af and the full blame is on me. I'm really sorry for making you wait for so long! ))): I'm really sorry again.

[alicanta77]

Chapter 5: Empire Dawning

Pairing: princess!y/n x prince!Chenle

Themes: royalty au, fluff, angst

Warnings: arranged marriage, character death, injury, illness

Words: 6k

Inspiration: BTS - Blood, Sweat and Tears - orchestral cover

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Finale

tag list: @hiqhkey @jaeshatshop @lebrookestore @honei-n @cheonsa1004 @haechans-sunflower @crispy-chan @rvse-hvvck​ @chezzontop​​​

——————————————————————————

The next few months passed like a blur. You and Chenle hadn’t gone a single day without seeing each other and your happiness radiated throughout the whole kingdom. As well as spending time together, you also had your individual duties, with Chenle training with the knights and you attending council hearings and shadowing your mother.

The only dark cloud that hung over you, was your father’s health.

In the months since his injury, he still hadn’t recovered. The castle doctors couldn’t understand what the problem was. The wound had been treated with disinfectant and cared for with the utmost care, and it appeared as though it had healed. Yet, your father could barely get out of bed.

He was weak, his eyes were duller skin had less colour than normal, and you were worried. It became clear that the blade had been laced with some kind of poison, something that was intended to kill the king from the inside out. For a while you had thought that he would just be weakened, but as his health began to deteriorate once again, and you knew that he didn’t have long left.

Chenle had become a pillar of support for your mother while your father struggled. He had attended countless meetings and sessions, and provided her with advice when she asked for it. Anybody could see that he was someone she relied on and trusted with every fibre of her being.

You drew your eyes away from your mother and once again regarded the papers in front of you, tuning your ears back into the councilman who was speaking.

“By increasing taxes we can afford to pay for the renovations for the lower towns. We’ll need to purchase some materials from travelling merchants in order to deter the bandits from making more attacks. But this money will be to bring in specialists who can build the defences.”

Your mother sighed, reading the documents in her hands, reaching to sign it but Chenle’s brows furrowed and he gently stopped her hand.

“Why would we need to increase the taxes again?” He questioned, looking at the councilman who visibly swallowed under Chenle’s scrutinising gaze. “The taxes were temporarily increased in order to pay for medication for the king which hasn’t worked. I don’t think we can justify raising them again for a job that some of our own people can do.”

“The people are already giving everything they can.” You spoke up, nodding at Chenle to show your support for his objection. “If we increase the taxes, some of them may need to ration food or pick up extra jobs.”

“But this will not be a permanent raise.” The councilman argued. “This is only to ensure that the job is done properly.”

“We have some fine workmen here. Why would we hire people to do a job when we could give it to someone who is already here?” You questioned with Chenle immediately backing you up with another point after.

“Not only is that better for the economy, but it’s a solution, whereas raising taxes and bringing in external ‘specialists’ would simply create public unrest and difficulty for our people, which, in my eyes, seem to be more problems that we would then need to solve.”

Your mother placed the document back down on the table in front of her, and slid it across back to the sullen councilman.

“No.” She spoke with a quiet authority. “While your idea seemed manageable to you, it is only because you would not be the one finding solutions to the problems it causes, the Prince and Princess would. They are correct. It is not worth paying people extra to do a job that our own people can do. I want you to spread words for the work that we need done along with the salary that is offered.” Your mother gestured towards a few people on her right, who nodded at her words before she turned back towards the rest of the council. “If there are no more issues to be addressed, this concludes today’s meeting.”

When no words were spoken, the guards standing by the exit opened the large wooden doors and everyone stood. The three of you waited for the room to empty before the queen nodded at the guards again, and they shut the doors once more, this time standing on the outside of it.

“Well, that ran for longer than expected.” Your mother muttered, turning back to the two of you. “Thank you for speaking up.”

After receiving a smile and nod from both you and Chenle she turned and began to walk away, the smile slowly dropping off your face as you watched her go. She still held herself high, walking with the power that a queen would, but there was a heaviness that followed her wherever she went. It was as if she was struggling to make it through the day. 

Chenle’s hand squeezed your shoulder lightly.

“She’s just worried about your father.” He murmured, stepping forwards to wrap an arm fully around your shoulders. “Like I am about you.”

You leaned back into him, resting your head against his shoulder and sighed.

“i’ll be fine.” You reassured him, turning around and wrapping your arms lightly around his waist as he leant down to briefly touch his forehead to yours. “I just... I’ve never seen her like this. She’s always been so strong, so sure of everything she does, and now, it’s like, as my father dies, so does some part of her. I feel like I’m losing them both at the same time, and I’m not ready for it.”

Chenle nodded, taking in your words and listening intently. He leaned in, placing a soft kiss on your forehead.

“I know it’s difficult watching them like this, it’s difficult for me too, but all we can do is be there for her, and offer her the support that your father can’t anymore.” You closed your eyes and nodded, Chenle’s words comforting you.

“You’re right. I know you’re right I just need reminding sometimes.”

Chenle nodded, placing a kiss on your cheek.

“Hey, we have some free time and I think the music room is free.” He suggested, his eyebrows raised in anticipation and you grinned in response, grabbing his hand and leading him out of the hall.

---

Chenle’s fingers danced over the piano, expertly playing the ending to the song the two of you had just sung. This place was a safe space. A place where it was just the two of you and you could forget about the countless things kept you from falling asleep at night.

The final note echoed around the otherwise empty room, and you gently shut your eyes, listening as it faded into nothingness. When you reopened your eyes, you found Chenle already looking at you. For a moment the two of you just stared at each, the silence comforting enough with words unnecessarily interrupting it.

The silence eventually grew thin and you began to think of something to say, a phrase that would match the perfection of this moment in time. Luckily for you, Chenle seemed to have a different idea on what to say, which was limited to saying nothing.

He quickly leant in, closing the short distance between the two of you and pressing his lips to yours. You kissed him back, smiling into the kiss and moving your hand up to his cheek.

“What was that for?” You asked him, the grin on your face mirrored on his.

Chenle shrugged.

“I just felt like it.” He leaned in again, placing a much softer peck on your lips before standing up.

He offered you a hand which you took, standing as well and adjusting your long dress as you did. Chenle kept a hold of your hand, using it to bring you closer to him.

“You know, one day we should get someone else to play for us.” He suggested as you raised your eyebrows.

“Is that so?” You asked as he nodded nonchalantly.

“Yep, because that way I can do this with you to someone else’s music.” He grabbed your waist lightly with his other hand and began to gently sway the two of you. 

Your body reacted on instinct, moving your free hand to his shoulder and you couldn’t stop the giggle that left you when your mind registered what you were doing.

The two of you gently danced around the room, covering ground yet never looking away from each other. Chenle turned you in a dramatic spin before dipping you as you both cracked up. The sound of footsteps echoed down the corridor, causing Chenle to pull you back up into a standing position.

The two of you shared a knowing look, predicting what was about to happen. And, just as you had thought, your lady in waiting appeared in the corner, informing you of the time. You nodded at her words that your father was asking for you and you turned back towards Chenle, pulling on his hand to guide him out of the door.

“I’ll see you later?” You asked.

“Of course.” Chenle replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Don’t forget to ask your father about us visiting the villages!”

Your eyes widened slightly at that, the thought having slipped your mind. You thanked him, promising to remember and you both walked your separate ways.

---

Chenle wandered the halls of the castle, not walking anywhere in particular and not really focusing on where he was going. He had become so familiar with these passages that he could get to any room on muscle memory alone.

He still remembers the time he got lost in the North quarter in his early days here. He’d been thinking about meeting you, and somehow taken the wrong turn, leaving it up to you to come and find him. Chenle chuckled to himself as he remembered the state of panic he had been in.

He sometimes found himself missing those early days, when everything was new and he was seeing these things for the first time. But if he was being honest, the only thing that Chenle wanted to do again for the first time, was meet you, to get to know you and learn about you all over again. To fall in love with you all over again.

Sometimes Chenle dreamt about taking you back to Shanghai, showing you off to his people and touring you around the castle he grew up in. Maybe even coming to find you when you got lost this time. But that couldn’t happen, not now at least. You couldn’t afford to leave the Queen in this state, not while the king was so fragile.

One day, Chenle promised. One day, he would show you his home.

The clanging sound of swords clashing drew him out of his thoughts and Chenle realised he was walking towards the training grounds. He let his feet carry him across the grass and he came to a stop, standing on the side of the training grounds, watching Jisung, Jaehyun and Taeyong training some new knights in swordplay.

Jisung noticed him watching, sending him a nod in acknowledgement, which Chenle returned. Jisung looked at the knight in front of him and Chenle could see the cockiness radiating off him from where he was standing.

Taeyong and Jaehyun came to stand beside Chenle, both of them patting him on the shoulder and bumping his elbow in greeting.

“They’re not a bad bunch.” Taeyong told him, referring to the new knights. “Lots of potential, they just need to get it in their heads that this isn’t all glory. That one facing Jisung now, he’s the best out of this group.”

Chenle nodded, tilting his head as he caught the end of what Jisung was saying.

“You can’t fight for something you don’t believe in.”

The knight who was facing off Jisung scoffed, making all of the knights watching raise their eyebrows in disbelief at his attitude.

“You can when you’re as skilled as I am.” The young knight retaliated, clearly attempting to show off to his friends. “I can fight for nothing and I’ll still win.”

“No.” Chenle spoke up, making all eyes turn on him as he began to walk towards them. “You’ll lose.” The jaws of knights who were training all dropped slightly at the sight of their Prince. Ever since the battle and his coronation, Chenle had been extremely well respected around the kingdom and that respect had only been going up with his close relationship with the queen. “You’ll always lose.”

Chenle stepped forward so that he was standing in front of the group of knights, standing at Jisung’s side. Jisung reached out, offering him a sword which Chenle took with a small but grateful smile.

“Those who fight without belief can never win. Because it’s that belief, that passion, that trust in what you’re fighting for that gives you strength when you need it most. The picture of what you love most in this world appears in your head and you know that, for that thing you love, you can fight for as long as you need to. Those who fight with a cause don’t fight because they have to, they fight because they want to. Because they have something worth fighting for.”

The knights were rendered speechless by the end of Chenle’s short speech. All of them, including the cocky youngster at the front nodded rapidly in understanding. Jisung gave some new commands to pair up with a trainer as some of the more experienced knights, including Jaemin and Jeno arrived. Chenle immediately began to help out, demonstrating moves and tricks to the boy he was assigned to.

He didn’t notice or hear Taeyong lean over to Jaehyun and speak a quiet sentence which Jaehyun nodded in agreement with.

“Spoken like a true King.”

---

You had never been so relieved to have switched out your usual floaty dresses for a pair of trousers today. You and Chenle had headed down to one of the kingdom’s outlying villages for the day in order to help them rebuild it. When you had visited your father the day before, you’d asked for his permission and his words were still echoing in your head today.

“My dear, even if I didn’t give you permission you would be going down there anyway. And I know that because I know you, and I know what you’re willing to do. Now let me tell you, no one needs permission to care about someone else or to help them. This goes beyond being a good queen, this is being a good person.”

It was the last thing he said before you left the room. Your father had a habit of leaving you with words that stayed with you for a while. It was as if he had a goal of giving you a piece of wisdom every time you talked.

You reached for another plank of wood, passing it up to Chenle who grabbed it and began to move it into the right place on the roof. You had been working hard for a couple of hours and you were beginning to tire. Your muscles were aching, but you refused to stop, knowing how much this would help the people living in this village.

You reached down for another plank, your fingers grasping at empty air as you realised that was the final one. You shouted the news up at Chenle before moving to sit on a nearby grassy slope. Chenle climbed down from the ladder he was on and flopped down in a heap next to you.

“You’ve never been more graceful.” You commented sarcastically.

“Thank you.” He replied without missing a beat. “You know, you should wear trousers more often, they look good.”

“I doubt my mother would approve.” You laugh as Chenle chuckled too.

“You’re probably right.” He agreed, before lifting his hand and pointing towards the crops. “Also, we should do something about the fence.”

Your eyes followed his finger to see that the fence around one of the fields had caved in, falling over the crops and stunting their growth.

“Yes, definitely. We could also put up a boundary around some of the houses. Maybe give them extra protection or places to store weapons. We should also install some trap doors if we can to give them a place to hide crops so that, if bandits come again and there’s no one here to protect them, they don’t lose everything they have.”

“Good idea.” 

You and Chenle kept chatting, exchanging ideas and making plans of building that you would pitch to your parents. Chenle was just beginning the idea of training some of the young farm boys in basic combat when you suddenly put your hand on his chest, stopping him talking immediately. 

He looked at you in confusion until he heard what you were hearing. Galloping hooves, horses getting closer and closer with each passing second. You both scrambled for your weapons, prepared to defend these people from the bandits you assumed were approaching with everything you had, when a single horse rounded the corner and approached you.

You recognised the man sitting upon it as the royal messenger.

“You’re needed back at the castle, immediately.” The urgency in his voice made you move quickly, sheathing your sword and mounting Obsidian. Chenle followed your actions also managing to ask the exact question that you were too afraid too.

“Why? What’s this about?”

“The King.”

---

You galloped all the way back to the castle, not slowing down for a second. Chenle was close behind you, the messenger somewhere further back, his horse too tired from the journey to the village to keep up with your desperate pace. You couldn’t describe the panic you felt in your chest. It was driving every move you made, encouraging you to go even faster. You urged Obsidian on, your horse grunting as he poured even more speed into his legs. 

You heard Chenle do the same with Aspen, determined to keep up with you no matter what. You both approached the castle without losing speed, the guards at the gates running out of your way. You were forced to pull Obsidian to a slower pace as you made your way towards the castle doors. The stable hands rushed out to meet you and you jumped off and ran straight through the doors, ignoring everyone in your way.

By this point you didn’t know if Chenle was still behind you, and you didn’t have it in you to slow down and find out as you raced towards your parents quarters. You finally reached their room, threw open the doors and stared at the scene in front of you.

You barely heard Chenle’s footsteps as he arrived behind you, but you did feel his arms catching you as your knees gave out.

Your father was dead.

---

The funeral was the next day.

The night of his death, the citizens of your kingdom had stood in the courtyard of the palace and held candles, all of them wearing black out of respect. Your mother, Chenle and yourself went out to thank them and it took everything in you not to fall apart.

After thanking the people, you headed back inside. You went straight to your room, Chenle following you no matter how much you protested. Eventually you turned on him, demanding to know why he wouldn’t let you be. He took a step towards you, reaching up to move a small piece of hair out of your face before softly telling you.

“I don’t want you to feel alone.”

That was all it took to break you. You fell into his arms, crying about your father for the first time since you’d learnt of his death. Chenle had stayed with you the whole night, keeping you company and holding you close. He never let you go, not even for a moment.

The funeral was at night. It was a tradition of your kingdom for each living member of the royal family to say their private goodbyes to the deceased. This is for the people closest to them to say goodbye to his spirit. Chenle had gone first, then you and finally, your mother. Then, after the sun sets and the moon rises, you would come together with the people of your kingdom and say goodbye to his body.

You smoothed the non-existent wrinkles out of your dress, checking your hair one last time to make sure it was perfect. You caught the sight of Chenle in your mirror, watching you with a sad smile. He saw you return his smile with an attempt of one of your own and Chenle swore he felt his heart break slightly. Watching the woman he loved getting dressed for her fathers funeral was, to say the least, not a fun sight.

He offered a hand to you, and you shakily took it. You made to leave your room, but Chenle gently squeezed your hand and you paused, looking up at him. He didn’t say anything, yet somehow managed to have a whole conversation with you.

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, feeling your heart rate calm slightly. Chenle intertwined your fingers, and you both headed out to the funeral.

You were standing on the river side, watching as the small boat your father’s body lay on was carried down. He was dressed in his best clothes, his arms resting on his chest, with his sword in his hands. His eyes were closed and he looked as though he was sleeping. Peace painted across his face for the first time in the many months since the battle. As heartbreakingly painful as losing your father was, there was comfort in knowing that he finally got the rest that he deserved.

The river was decorated with flowers, stray petals and floating candles. Citizens stood beside you, all of them holding a light weight lantern like your own. The soft yellow lights reflected off the river. You knew that your father would have loved how beautiful it all was. He had an eye for those kinds of things.

You moved down the river with the body, following it on it’s journey until the river began to spread out. The people fanned out, forming lines as they watched their king drift off into the distance. Your mother lifted her arms to the sky, showing off her lantern and shouted.

“From this life to his next life. May the king rest in peace.”

“May the king rest in peace.” You repeated, along with every other person present. Only you and Chenle were close enough to hear her whisper.

“Goodbye my love.” And with that she let go of her lantern, watching as it sailed off into the air.

All the people around you followed her example, releasing their floating lanterns into the sky. They spoke to them, saying something to their king before letting them fly.

You looked down at your own, trying to think of what your last words to your father should be. You bit your lip and leaned in closer to it and whispered quietly.

“Goodbye father, I love you.”

You let go.

---

You rolled over in your bed, unable to sleep. Ever since your father’s funeral you’d struggled with falling asleep, your mind too busy to let your body rest. You groaned, throwing the covers off you as you stared up at your ceiling.

Chenle had been keeping you company often, staying by your side, making sure you were alright, and it meant the world to you. You’d begun to find yourself missing him all the time he wasn’t with you, even if he’d just left your side a second ago.

You swung your legs off your bed, knowing you weren’t going to be getting any sleep here. The doors creaked slightly as you opened them, making you wince at the sound. You slipped out of them, shutting them behind you as you made your way through the castle.

You reached Chenle’s room quickly, knocking on the door lightly before going inside. His room was similar to yours in size, and you loved the odd decorations he had that had come with him from Shanghai. The red and gold tapestry that hung on the wall by the door was your personal favourite. You ran your fingers over it gently as you quietly called out for Chenle.

He didn’t reply so you moved further into his room. You turned and stopped when you saw where he was. His balcony. The door to it was shut so you caught his attention when you opened it to join him. He whispered a quiet hello to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulders as he pulled you close.

You leant your head on his shoulder as you wrapped your arms around his bare torso and the two of you looked out over the scenery. From this position the two of you could see almost the entire lower town. There were odd yellow squares where you could tell someone’s light was on, but for the most part the town was shrouded in moonlight.

It almost looked too good to be true.

“Are you not cold?” You asked him as a breeze blew past the two of you, worried for you shirtless boyfriend.

“Not really, it gets colder than this in Shanghai, I guess I’m just used to it.” Chenle muttered, his eyes never leaving the scene in front of him. “Couldn’t sleep?” You shook your head sighing as he reassured you. “It’ll come, you just need some time. It’s hard, being in front of the people you have to be a ruler, you can’t show your emotion, especially not with how your mother is struggling. But things will get better. We’ll fix up the outlying villages, we’ll finish some of the tasks your father had hoped for and you’ll get closure. I promise.”

You nodded, feeling more relaxed already. Another breeze ripped through the two of you, causing Chenle to shiver.

“Okay, maybe now I’m cold.” He admitted, reaching behind him to open the door and bring you both back inside. You laughed as you followed him, happily embracing the warmth that his room provided.

You shut the door behind the two of you before following Chenle to his bed. He was already lying down in it, waiting for you with his arms open. You smiled at the sight of him, thinking how you could get used to seeing that. You climbed into his bed, setting down on his chest as he began to run his fingers through your hair.

You nestled your head into his neck, feeling him giggle when you placed feather light kisses on the skin there.  Your hand came up to rest on his chest, your fingers softly tracing the scar from his stab wound. You ran your finger down the healed injury, following every pattern as Chenle watched.

The scare wasn’t huge, but it wasn’t small either. It was about 2 inches in length right in the place his shoulder meets his chest. You looked back up at him, another smile stretching across your face. Chenle’s spare hand came to rest on your shoulder, hugging you close to him and he pulled you in to kiss you.

You sighed into the kiss, feeling yourself tire for the first time that night. Chenle felt this too, quietly telling you to sleep when you both pulled away. You rested your head back in his neck before taking a deep breath. The only sign you were still awake was the small movements of your fingers lovingly tracing his scar.

Chenle shut his eyes as he kissed the top of your head, listening to your breathing even out. It was obvious you were close to falling asleep, just managing to whisper out a soft “I love you.” before you drifted off.

It wasn’t the first time you had said it, but no matter how many times Chenle heard it, the warm feeling that blossomed in his chest had never faltered. He couldn’t stop himself from smiling, from being reminded just how completely in love with you he was. And he knew that you were the one he wanted to be with.

“I love you too.” Chenle replied. “More than you’ll ever know.”

Chenle had lost track of how many times he’d thanked fate for bringing him here. For your kingdom to choose his to make an alliance with. For being the one chosen to marry you. Chenle had known for his entire time here that he would marry you, but he had never been so grateful for it as he was in this moment.

---

Within the month since the king’s death, the kingdom was back to normal. You’d buried yourself in your work, taking on more responsibilities to help your mother, finding comfort in finishing the projects your father had started and supported. Chenle had been right, you’d found closure in finishing his work, in making sure that his wishes were fulfilled, and you were finding yourself moving on. 

You still missed him everyday, and you found it difficult at times to finish the work he’d started, knowing how much he would have wanted to see it. But, you were finally looking towards the future, and you knew that he would be relieved at that. He always told you “A good queen ignores the tough times and puts on a happy face for her people. But a true queen, acknowledges when times are hard, and encourages the kingdom to work through it together.” And those were the words you lived by.

You and Chenle had become loved public figures with the whole kingdom being thrilled with the strength of your relationship. It was a sign of hope, of solidarity, of new life in a time where they had been surrounded by loss.

Chenle strolled through the marketplace, his heart beating hard as he turned the gift he had just bought you over in his hands. It wasn’t, by any means, his first time buying you a gift, but he knew that this would be the most important gift he would ever buy.

He quickly made his way back to his room, Jisung waiting for him outside it when he finally arrived. Chenle ignored his friend’s questions, bringing him inside instead.

“You’re late.” Jisung said when Chenle let him speak.

“Yeah, I know, sorry.” Chenle apologised without really meaning it. His nerves were showing through his voice and it was confusing Jisung as to what gift the boy had bought. “I had to visit the royal jeweller to pick this up.”

“What is it?” Jisung asked, leaning over as if he could see into Chenle’s hands.

“It’s just a small gift for y/n.” 

“Yes but what is it?” Jisung asked again exasperated, rolling his eyes at his friend’s density.

“This.” Chenle opened the box the gift was in, Jisung’s jaw dropping at the sight of it. His eyes shot from the jewellery back up to Chenle and back down to the jewellery again as he managed to form a single sentence through his shock.

“That’s an engagement ring.”

---

You were sitting on the cliff overlooking the citadel, your favourite place in the kingdom. Chenle was next to you, the two of you sitting in comfortable silence as you watched the bustle of life in your kingdom below you.

“Do you ever get nervous as to how things will change once we’re crowned?” You asked suddenly, the question hanging dangerously heavily in the air.

Chenle turned to look at you, taking a second to think before he answered, the honesty clear in his voice.

“Yes.” You blinked at his response, almost expecting him to say that he wasn’t worried and everything would be fine. “I get scared about how much more pressure will be on us, especially since we’ll have closer links to Shanghai and we’ll have responsibilities there as well as here. I get worried that we won’t have as much free time, meaning we won’t get days like this anymore when it can just be the two of us. I’m scared to live up to your parents, they’re incredible people and rulers and they set such an example that going after then is kind of nerve wracking. But at the same time, I’m not scared. I’m not scared in the slightest, because I know that, through this all, I’m going to have you by my side no matter what. And if I’ve got you, then I think I can do anything.”

You moved closer to him, curling up into his side and hugging him close, the feeling of his heartbeat giving you an unmatchable comfort.

“You’re very good at those speeches you know?” You mumbled, feeling his chest shake as he chuckled.

“It comes with the job.” He joked, bringing an arm up and squeezing your shoulder. 

He leant down and placed a soft kiss on your forehead, sighing into your hair before pulling away.

“We have to get back soon.” You mumbled, him groaning in response.

“Why?” He whined and you laughed in disbelief.

“I don’t know? Maybe because we’re the heirs to the throne and our presence in our kingdom is kind of necessary?” You replied sarcastically and Chenle grabbed you tighter, falling back onto the grass so that you were basically lying on top of him.

“What if we weren’t though?” He suggested, holding up a finger as he saw the look on your face. “Just imagine it for a second, me and you, a simple farming couple. Just us, our fields, our horses and peace. No council meetings, no documents to read, no speeches, no wars, nothing but peace, tranquility and us. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

“That... that really would be actually...” You said quietly, picturing the life he imagined. “The simple life, just the two of us-”

“Working in the fields during the days.” 

“And cooking together at night.” You and Chenle got into a rhythm of finishing each other’s sentences, being so in tune with each other and the life you were imagining.

“Having competitions as to who can bring in the most harvest in one go.”

“Rebuilding local houses in our village.”

“Slow dancing in our kitchen late at night.”

“Waking up as the sun rises.”

“With four kids to help us out.”

“Two!”

“Three? One boy and two girls.”

“Deal.”

“And we’d get married with them all there, everyone who matters most to us, surrounded in our little paradise.”

You smiled at the sky, listening to Chenle talk about your future.

“Maybe in one life-”

“Just not this one.” He finished as you shook your head.

“Unfortunately not.” You climbed up, Chenle following as the two of you prepared to make your journey back to the castle. Chenle lifted up the final bag, placing it on Aspen as you took one last look at the view. When attaching it to his saddle, the small box, which contained the gift he’d bought earlier fell out. He quickly picked it up, his heart quickening with nerves as he turned back towards you listening to your words. “We can’t have anything from that.”

“We could have something.” He suggested as you turned around, a confused smile on your face. “I can’t give you a farm, or anything like the simple life we pictured, but I can make you happy. And I’d really love to be able to do that for a very long time.” He brought the gift in front of him, dropping to one knee and opening it.

Your jaw dropped in shock, your hands instinctively coming up to cover your mouth as tears pricked your eyes. You couldn’t believe what was happening, saying it was unexpected was an understatement. You stared at the boy you loved with all your heart as he asked the single most important question you had ever been asked in your life.

“Will you marry me?”