#some symptoms may always be hard or impossible for you to control

[aspd-culture]

Aspd culture is not knowing what’s realistic expectations for you or not for dealing with recovery, if you’re being anti-recovery for thinking you “can’t” do something, or knowing what recovery for you even looks like because ableism makes understanding what you are and need feel like walking on hot coals while being scolded for not wanting to walk on hot coals to get better and then having hot coals getting thrown at you

aspd-culture is

[writtenbymisunderstoodnerds]

Just tell them (USWNT x Reader)

This isn't that great, but I have covid again and this is keeping me entertained. Enjoy :)

Words: 1.6K

Swing, swing, swing

It was hypnotising. The swinging and bouncing of the ponytails as the girls ran around the field. There had been many things in the past that I had hyper-fixated on. This just happened to be the weirdest one yet. I don't know what is was. It was attractive, but more likely it was the repetitive motion of it. All I knew was it was embarrassing. Not just this particular hyper-fixation, I found all of them embarrassing. I found my inability to focus, my inability to sit still and my hyperactivity embarrassing. No one on the team knew about my ADHD and I planned on keeping it that way. 

They didn't need the burden of knowing. The burden of knowing how difficult it was for me to stop myself from bouncing off the walls, to concentrate on what's going on and to actually remember stuff. They could keep thinking I was highly organised by putting every little thing in my calendar or someone who was just quiet. I put on a show as the quiet one who preferred listening to music and going to the gym constantly. When in reality is was all I could do to control the hyper-activeness and not annoy them.

"She's too old for you," Kelley stated as she sat down next to me.

I jumped, forcing my gaze away from Alex's ponytail and to her, "What?"

"You've been staring at Alex for the past 20 minutes. She's 33, you're 24. That's too old for you and she has a husband and kid."

"I wasn't staring at her, I just zoned out."

"Sure, you've been doing that a lot recently. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just tired." It was true. After moving in with my girlfriend, I wasn't used to sleeping alone, therefore I hadn't been sleeping well this camp. All my ADHD symptoms got worse when I was tired, especially the inability to focus and zoning out. Kelley looked less then convinced, but let it go when we were all called back to the field.

Later that night I was cuddled up in bed completely exhausted. Tierna was out with some of the girls and wouldn't be back until later so I took the opportunity to facetime my girlfriend, Ally. A smile appeared instantly when I saw her sitting on our bed, in her pajamas, hair in a messy bun with paper and books surrounding her. 

Hi love, you look busy.

Hey baby. Just some work I need to finish. Are you okay? You look tired.

No one ever warns you how hard it is to sleep alone after you move in with someone. You should be at your desk, you're going to hurt your back.

Tell me about it. That shit should come with a warning label or something. I was at my desk, but it got uncomfortable. 

I couldn't help, but laugh at her attempt to cheer me up, I love you, did you manage to get time off to come to the game this weekend?

She frowned, shifting slightly and I knew the answer without her saying anything. It was disappointing, but not unexpected. I'm sorry. I really tried baby.

It's okay my love, I understand. It was a long shot to begin with. You'll be watching right?

Always. You should get some sleep Y/n. I'll stay on the phone talking my nonsense until you fall asleep, just like at home. I love you.

I love you too

---

So I may have forgotten to take my meds this morning. By time I realised, it was to late and we were already on our way to the stadium. Game days were the best and worst days to forget. When I was on the field, everything washed away, I was able to focus completely on the game. The problem was before the game when nerves were at an all time high. It was hard to control the nerves when I took my meds, but almost impossible without them. I had my music all the way up, leg bouncing like crazy, trying to suppress some of the desire to scream.

Once we got off the bus things only got worse. My mind was a mess, my energy was bubbling over. I jumped up and down, shaking my arms in attempt to release some of the energy.

Christen pat my shoulder, "You'll do great, don't worry."

"Thanks, I'm going to go for a little walk, calm my nerves a little bit."

"Don't be late back."

After walking around a bit, I pulled out my phone to call the one person I knew could calm me down. Except she didn't answer. I slapped my hands against the wall a few times, stopping when I heard my phone ding.

Ally: Sorry baby, can't answer right now. I love you, you'll kick ass.

I sighed, firing off a quick reply before heading to the field, thinking maybe a warm up will calm my brain. It worked until the few minutes before the game started. I was checking my phone for a good luck text from Ally while pacing and jumping around. 

Ally: You didn't take your meds did you? Just breathe, focus on the game, you've got this

Y/n: How did you know?

Ally: Look behind you

I turned around to find Ally standing in the stands just behind the bench. Just seeing her, calmed my brain slightly. She blew me a kiss, making me smile widely. I couldn't believe she was actually here. A couple of the girls blocked my view. Turning to try and find who I was looking at. I had only been part of the team for a couple of months so they didn't know about Ally yet. There was a lot of things I hadn't told them. I had been too busy trying to be someone else so I wasn't a burden.

"Who's got you smiling like a fool?"

"Thank you love."

"Someone. You may get to meet them later, but for now, let's kick some ass."

---

After the win, we were having celebrations in the locker room. I quietly slipped out to find Ally. It didn't take long, she was standing by the door to the stadium. My arms quickly wrapped around her waist, relaxing into her. My mind going quiet for the first time all camp. Ally kissed my head, holding me tighter, "I'm so proud of you Y/n/n. You did amazing."

"Do I get to meet your team?"

"You want to?"

"Of course I do, if you want me to that is."

I pulled away, opening the door, "Come on. Just a warning, they can be a little crazy at times especially after a win."

Ally shrugged, following after me, "I live with you, I think I can handle it."

"Oh no baby, they are at least 10x worse then me."

All the attention turned to the door as we walked in, "This is my girlfriend Ally, and guess what Kelley? She's older than me."

Kelley faked shock, hand resting over her heart, "You're dating an older woman? Scandalous."

Ally pouted, "I'm only 2 years older."

I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, placing a kiss on her temple, "Still older babe."

"So how long have you two been together?"

"Let's see if you can remember this one babe," Ally smirked putting emphasis on babe.

I smirked back, "1,460.97 Days or 208.71 Weeks or 4 years. Give or take a week."

"How did you remember that?"

"I remembered from our anniversary last week. It took a long time to memorise them for that, but then it stuck."

She nuzzled her nose against the spot just below my ear before whispering, "I love you."

"Only every now and then."

"I love you too."

As celebrations continued, Ally pulled me away slightly, speaking quietly, "How often have you forgotten to take your meds?"

Alyssa looked at me, concern written all over her face, "What meds?"

"Just vitamins."

The girls moved to stand closer, Ashlyn being the one to speak up, "Bullshit, she wouldn't be looking so serious if it was vitamins."

I knew they could be protective, but this wasn't the reaction I was expecting, "It's nothing."

Ally rest her hand on my back, giving me an apologetic look, but spoke up anyway, "Babe, you should just tell them."

"I don't want to burden them with my problems."

My face was cupped and forced to look at Ally. She looked sad, I hated it, "Y/n Y/m/n Y/l/n, you are not a burden. Having ADHD does not make you a burden. Do you understand that? Or do I have to tell you again and again until you do? You. Are. Not. A. Burden."

Before I could respond, Alex spoke up, "You have ADHD?"

Ally looked apologetic again. I wasn't mad at her for it coming out. She was just looking out for me and it was sort of a relief not to have to hide it anymore, "Uh yeah."

"That doesn't make you a burden, why would it?" Ali asked, expression sincere.

"It did to my parents. I was too much, too hyperactive, not focused enough."

"All it means is now you have us making sure you take your meds. Maybe you can stop being so quiet and withdrawn? We've noticed you want to join in or say more, but you always hesitate. Something tells me that's not who you are."

"Trust me, it's not. She's goofy, talkative, funny, Don't let that go to your head, you're only funny sometimes."

"Rude."

"You love me."

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't."

Ally's lips ghosted over mine, slight smirk appearing, "Oh, playing hard to get now?"

My lips just barely brushed hers, a shaky breath fanning over mine, "Isn't that why you fell in love with me?"

"One of many yes, bu-"

Kelley groaned, "You guys are cute and all, but this is just getting gross."

"Sorry."

Ally lent up to whisper in my ear again, "I got a hotel room for us."

I smiled, excitement rising at having her to myself, "T, I won't be back to the room tonight."

[starpunkd]

I just binge watched the entire 3 seasons of Mythic Quest and OMG, this is such a good series! Well, I love the plot for sure, but that's not what clicked for me. The sweetest treat I got in this series is such awesome representation of ADHD in the character of Ian Grimm that it made me cry. I cried so hard. In most promotional materials for the series, his character was described as this egocentric maniac, but that's not what I saw in him. I clearly saw a guy who has undiagnosed ADHD, and who tries so hard to make this work for him and not be a failure. He knows his every single employee's name. He cares about them, he's always there for them if they come and ask things from him, like he agreed to pay for Dana's programming school, even though he thought her game was shit. Or, how he asked Rachel what it was that she wanted, when they had a ride together. He highlighted the opportunity for her, which inspired her to think more about her life and her ambitions. During the pandemic episode, despite being scared shitless of catching covid, he came to visit Poppy to give her a hug, cuz he saw she was struggling. He is a supersmart and warm guy, that's what I see in him, cuz all of his worst sides, the so-called egocentric maniacal stuff, are the symptoms.

It was painful to watch him and Poppy fall out, and how he couldn't get invested in her ideas, despite trying, cuz for our brain it's absolutely impossible to do something uninteresting. Here's the thing with ADHD: you cannot control your special interests and your dreams. No matter how hard you try. You cannot magically wish the thing to become interesting or engaging for you. This is not how it works. If you've got ADHD, the only way for you to thrive is to follow your passion and not give a damn about what other people think about your attitude. That's exactly what Ian did with Mythic Quest, and that's why that game turned out to be such a success. Some of us have this huge vision, this potential, ideas as big as multiple universes, but when we try and tell other people about them, we often face hostility, like Ian did at school. We're often told our dreams are stupid, our vision is deluded and we'd better start caring about "getting a real job" otherwise we're wasting our potential. But here's the thing, we're wasting our real potential on doing shit we don't care about cuz we've been told we need to do it.

I have ADHD, and I had similar problems at school, but because I'm a girl, and I have the inattentive type ADHD, life has been kinder to me, cuz I've managed to create this mask, which may look normal on good days, and a little bit weird on bad days, but generally, I can pass as a neurotypical person. But deep down inside, I see worlds upon worlds, upon words. Deep down inside, I am Ian Grimm. This series has touched my deepest sense of self, and I never expected something which began as a silly sitcom to do such a thing for me.

[iagreewithlilithsrightsnwrongs]

ok so. in my college au, theres no supernatural elements, yes? so ive been thinking abt ava n how in the shadow her being paralysed, alone, an orphan with poor caregivers is an integral part of her character. and i dont know how to incorporate smth similar in this au.

i’ve read abt conversion disorder. you can google it n have a better understanding but basically “Conversion disorder is a mental condition in which a person has blindness, paralysis, or other nervous system (neurologic) symptoms that cannot be explained by medical evaluation.”

“conversion disorder happens as a way for your brain to deal with emotional stress. It’s almost always triggered by upsetting situations and other mental disorders.” and “It also happens more often to people who have a history of emotional stress or who have a hard time talking about their feelings.”

the most common symptom is “the loss of one or more bodily functions. Examples include: Weakness or paralysis. Loss of balance or difficulty walking.” also: movements that you can’t control, tunnel vision or blindness, loss of smell or speech, numbness. 

(this got long but this is useful for me n shit so yeah)

common signs: a debilitating symptom that begins suddenly, history of a psychological problem that gets better after the symptom appears, lack of concern that usually occurs with a severe symptom, they affect your movement or senses, and you can’t control them, hey can’t be explained by any other condition, medication, or behavior, they aren’t caused by another mental health problem, they cause stress in social and work settings.

“The physical symptoms are thought to be an attempt to resolve the conflict the person feels inside.”

here’s some examples (which i need a lot of cuz its kinda hard to understand all those medical terms n shit, from all the sites i’ve read on it): “For example, a woman who believes it is not acceptable to have violent feelings may suddenly feel numbness in her arms after becoming so angry that she wanted to hit someone. Instead of allowing herself to have violent thoughts about hitting someone, she experiences the physical symptom of numbness in her arms.��� “For example, imagine taking a hard fall off your bike and then not being able to move your arm. But your arm isn’t injured. Neither is any other part of your body.Your body converted the emotional and psychological stress of your fall into the physical response of a paralyzed arm.” “Physical symptoms can sometimes help with an internal conflict. For example, if you’re struggling with the desire to hurt someone, conversion disorder may cause you to become paralyzed, making it impossible to act on that desire.”

now back to ava. it started to happen after the car accident that took her mom. because of how stressful it was, for weeks, ava was paralysed n doctors were confused cuz every test didnt show how the fuck that can happen. some episodes last days but sometimes its weeks, n they might be gone just as soon as they appeared. 

lil 7 year old ava was terrified n it just kept being amplified everytime she thought it was getting better. her mom was dead. the doctors told her her dad wasn’t coming to pick her up which shocked her cuz she thought he was dead (very awkward for the doctors). both parents only children so no help there, grandparents either dead or in care homes. 

then she gets send to the orphanage, all alone and confused since they were in Spain on vacation n now she doesnt understand anything. most workers n kids dont even speaking spanish since the orphanage specializes in misplaced children, so now shes learning english, n spanish, and she thinks shes still paralysed for weeks, months UNTIL. she makes a friend, a kid in another room who found out abt her n befriended her. 

and ava only starts feeling better when this friend, diego, who’s such a sweet boy, but so sick he’s not gonna live that much longer, and he knows it, says “jsut because you cant move doesnt mean ur not fun!! i think ur cool, ava silva.” n ava moves. its a miracle, diego is an angel, ava is saved n all the kids are ecstatic, ava is crying in pure relief but also confusion because what???

doctors label it as a freak accident n dont want to think much of it since what does it matter, ava is just a girl. but the childcare workers now label ava as the attention seeker n never trust her abt anything. some older kids do it too, but most of them are agaisnt the ladies there out of principle n spite. still, it sucked, n now ava cant trust any adult to save her life n cant even trust her own body to work how its supposed to.

as she gets older she both gets better and worse? she definitely knows when and how to calm down, n the episodes go away if the main source of stress gets resolved, except for any stress caused by ptsd, which ava definitely has from yknow the fucking accident n her moms death. she also, however, has a very yolo mentality, n will get in trouble n in stressful situations most of the time. she’s a menace to herself, n it normally results in one or more limbs to go numb or paralyzed. 

she was homeschooled tho, since it two maybe 2 years of her being bullied, picked on, critiqued, n having the overall stressful n horrible experience that is being a new kid in a new school after ur mom died, for the teachers to beg the childcare workers to keep her at home and safe so she stops showing all these upsetting symptoms. its freaking everyone out and it disrupts the class. so yh, ava was struggling.

when she turns 18 n ages out of the orphanage, she scrambles to find a job n a home n shit. father vincent, a local priest, helps her and shelters her. she shows her the beauty of religion n its practices n the glory of god, but ava is more fascinated by the art there. like sure shes seen movies n read things, but shes never stepped foot in a museum. in fact she didnt go out much just out of precaution n also cuz the ladies most of the time forbade her (if she got hurt they could come under fire n they didnt want that with her symptoms n their unpredictability)

vincent tries to teach ava all abt religion, meanwhile she’s studying the architecture, the paintings, the sculptures. vincent wanted a student, but he didnt have that in ava. so he decided to embrace that n help ava with this calling. its also vincent who tells ava to go to therapy n research abt her symptoms n possible disorder. ava does it more out of the fear vincent would get fed up with her not following his rules n getting kicked out for it. it actually helped tho, and she wont admit it to no one ever. 

i rly like this hc for this au, since it stays true to the character while remaining realistic to our universe n world n shit. HOWEVER. if anyone who has this disorder wants to criticize anything ive written, pls dm me, ask me, whatever. im open for constructive criticism always!! 

also this got long apologies

[harmonyrecoverygroup]

How to Deal with Stress and Anxiety Effectively?

Knowing how to deal with stress and anxiety is a useful life skill for anyone. However, it can be especially important people living with a mental health condition or in recovery from a substance use disorder. Anxiety and stress have the potential to trigger other unwanted behaviors. This is why having tools to manage these feelings is crucial for people with mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety or PTSD.

Identifying Signs of Stress and Anxiety

Everyone knows when they are stressed or anxious, don’t they? Not necessarily. People aren’t always consciously aware of the effects anxiety or stress may be having upon them. It’s not unusual to be so caught up in a stressful or worrying predicament that you don’t take notice of your reaction to it. Learning to recognize signs in yourself or others is the first step to dealing with stress and anxiety effectively. 

6 Signs of Stress and/or Anxiety

1. Changes in Sleep Patterns: Sleep affects mental health. Sleep problems sometimes act as an indicator of a deeper issue. If someone is dealing with stress and/or anxiety, they may experience difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep. You may also sleep more than usual. Stress and worry can lead to fatigue and many people use sleep as an escape.

2. Physical Symptoms: Stress and anxiety can manifest physically, resulting in stomach cramps, digestive issues, headaches, muscle tension, fatigue and even chest pain. While stress or worry aren’t always to blame for symptoms like this, you should never ignore these symptoms. Talk to your doctor or a medical professional. 

3. Increased Reliance on Substances: Whether it’s over-the-counter sleep aids, like antihistamines, controlled prescription drugs or illicit drugs and alcohol. It’s not unusual for people under stress to try to change how they feel with a substance. This is a possible sign of stress or anxiety to watch for in yourself or someone you care about. If this proves to be the case, we can help. 

4. Changes in Eating Habits: Anxiety and stress can cause someone to either overeat or eat too little due to a lack of appetite, nervous stomach or preoccupation with other things. However it shows up, it’s one more sign to watch for.

5. Mood or Personality Changes: Most people who have to deal with stress and anxiety show outward signs in their behavior. We mentioned a few possibilities above. But anxiety and stress can also cause someone to become more irritable or withdrawn and quiet. Some people may lose interest in activities they once enjoyed. 

6. Difficulty Concentrating: Stressful and anxiety-producing situations have a way of muddling the mind for many of us. Being preoccupied with worry or fixated on a seemingly impossible problem can easily take up much of your attention. This can make it hard to focus, think clearly, and remember things.

What to Remember About Dealing with Anxiety and Stress

The way each of us responds to anxiety or stress is different. Knowing how to deal with stress and anxiety with healthy coping mechanisms makes challenging situations a bit easier to handle. Coping tools can help you moderate your reactions and make better decisions under pressure.

One more important thing to remember is to be kind to yourself. Managing stress and anxiety is a form of self-care. Try not to judge yourself or anyone else for reactions to stress. There are better ways to manage it, so we learn what those ways are and adopt them as best we can. But we do it with love and without judgment, as much as possible. 

Remember:

Different people react differently to stress and/or anxiety.

There are healthy ways to cope with difficult situations and pressures.

Learning to deal with stress and worry is a form of self-care and self-love. 

Be kind to yourself and others when learning to deal with stress. 

Ways to Deal with Stress and Anxiety

Here are several proven methods to help you deal with stress and anxiety. We don’t always have the luxury of removing the source of our stress or leaving it behind. Adopting healthy coping tools is the best way to manage stress or worry. 

Take a Deep Breath

It may seem cliche, but deep breathing is proven to induce relaxation. Per a Yale University study. “Changing the rhythm of your breath can signal relaxation, slowing your heart rate and stimulating the vagus nerve, which runs from the brainstem to the abdomen, and is part of the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the body’s “rest and digest” activities (in contrast to the sympathetic nervous system, which regulates many of our “fight or flight” responses). Triggering your parasympathetic nervous system helps you start to calm down. You feel better. And your ability to think rationally returns.”. Next time you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, pause if you can. Close your eyes. Take 4 deep, full breaths through your nose, fully expanding your belly. Then breathe out slowly through your mouth. Continue this for several minutes, if needed, until you feel calm. 

Make Time for Self-Care

Self-care isn’t indulgent or selfish, it is necessary for your wellbeing. It is important to make time to recharge your depleted stores of energy. Self-care is a key way to deal with stress and anxiety because it puts back what these emotions take from us. You get to decide what self-care looks like for you. It may be a long walk in the woods with your dog or a soak in a hot tub. It could be cutting out coupons while getting a pedicure. Whatever replenishes your soul, make sure you’re doing it often enough.

Exercise

Another essential form of self-care is exercise. Vigorous exercise also has proven benefits for anxiety and stress. If you’re stressed out, the worst thing you can do is remain sedentary. Stressful situations should not be the only thing raising your heart rate. Physical exercise is not only good for your health and wellbeing. It also improves sleep quality and raises the levels of ‘feel good’ chemicals called endorphins in the brain. Making regular exercise a part of your routine is a good part of any plan to manage the effects of stress. 

Ask for Help

If anxiety and worry are negatively affecting your quality of life and you have been unable to find a way forward, don’t be afraid to ask for professional help. Mental health therapy can help you gain valuable insight and perspective. Mental health treatment for anxiety or stress often helps people make progress where before they were stuck in place. Psychotherapy can help you see your situation more clearly and make problems appear much more manageable. It can help you better understand yourself and identify simple changes you can make to your own behavior that will help make your anxiety and stress much easier to cope with effectively. 

Getting Help for a Mental Health Disorder

If stress, anxiety, depression or another feeling is keeping you from living the life you want to lead, you may benefit from mental health treatment. Even if you have been in long-term therapy, it isn’t unusual for people to plateau in their progress or get “stuck” after a time. For many people in that situation, a higher level of care for mental health is the best solution. In a partial hospitalization program for mental health, you may receive more treatment in 2 weeks than you would in an entire year of weekly visits to a therapist. If you’d like to know more about what our programs at Harmony Recovery Group can do for you, give us a call anytime at (866) 461-4474.

[anotherkindofmindpod]

Hello AKOM :)

Really enjoying your Trial Separation series.

Just wanted to draw your attention to a couple of quotes about Paul's state of mind at this time which I found quite interesting:

PAUL: I was impossible. I don't know how anyone could have lived with me. For the first time in my life, I was on the scrap heap, in my own eyes. ... Until then, I really was a kind of cocky sod. It was the first time I'd had a major blow to my confidence. When my mother died, I don't think my confidence suffered. It had been a terrible blow, but I didn't feel it was my fault.

(Playboy Interview with Paul and Linda McCartney: Interviewed by Joan Goodman, 1984)

PAUL: I was going through a hard period, I exhibited all the classic symptoms of the unemployed, the redundant man. First, you don’t shave, and it’s not to grow a groovy beard, it’s because you cannot be f*cking bothered. Anger, deep deep anger sets in, with everything, with yourself number one, and with everything in the world number two.

(Paul McCartney: Many Years from Now, Barry Miles, 1997)

My question is, why do you think he blamed himself so much?

Thanks.

I mean, to be perfectly frank, my first instinct is: some people are simply more prone to guilt than others.

Despite his quote to the contrary in 1984, I think Paul on some level did blame himself for his mother's death (which needless to say, we don't think he should hold himself responsible for). After Linda’s death, he called breast cancer a "stress-related illness" that, he reasoned, Mary contracted due to the burden of taking care of her sons (who by all accounts seem like pretty good kids, behavior wise). I think that’s evidence of some residual, irrational guilt. What's the cause of all this internalized guilt? Catholicism probably didn't help! :) Catholics are notorious for instilling guilt into children from birth. (And yes, I know Paul wasn't raised in the church and didn't attend Catholic school, but he was still raised by a Catholic mum).

Also, Paul is a first-born/eldest child. In my experience, eldest children tend to take on more responsibility/guilt than other siblings. (that's not scientific, just my personal observation/experience)

Finally, Paul generally seems to have an outlook that he is responsible for the both good and bad in his life. i.e. If something is a success, he takes the credit; if something is a flop, he takes the blame. People like this are often characterized as "controlling," when that's not necessarily always the case. Which isn't to say that Paul isn't controlling- these qualities can definitely co-exist and probably do very often (and so might in Paul's case) I'm just making the point that they are different. For example, on the flip-side John more often abdicates responsibility. He is more likely to blame others when things go wrong, BUT he is also more likely to share credit when things go right. This doesn't mean that John is completely passive at all times and floats through life being led around by others. We know John could be very assertive at times. But he may be less likely to feel in control of his life than a person with Paul's outlook. At least this is my view of them; YMMV. :) It's not at all surprising to me that Paul blamed himself after the breakup because his first thought would likely be "What could I have done better? What did I do wrong?" because Paul believes he has the power to control events in his own life. For Paul, probably the hardest lesson in the entire world would be accepting that you can't control others, or what they want, or how they behave. Some things, even when/if they effect your life greatly, are simply out of your control. Again, you could call this "controlling" and I wouldn't necessarily disagree, I just think it's a bit more complicated than people usually present it. Also, none of this precludes the fact that Paul made errors in 1969! No one in the breakup was blameless, but I shouldn't have to remind anyone of the complaints from the other Beatles irt: Paul's bossiness and time-hogging in the studio. No one likes being told they suck (yeah, that includes Paul!), so it would be reasonable and normal for Paul to fixate on this negative feedback and feel like shit. :/ However I don't think Paul's guilt, in and of itself, is necessarily indicative of misconduct on his part, because its causes are likely multifarious (and therefore potentially unrelated).

-Phoebe

[thelovelygods]

As a teenager, Sylvia Plath vividly understood the extent to which her body steered her. "If I didn't have sex organs, I wouldn't waver on the brink of nervous emotion and tears all the time," she wrote in her journal in 1950. Ten days before her death, she had come to believe that "fixed stars/Govern a life." It turns out that Plath was probably right -- more right than she could have possibly known -- about her biology and her fate. But when Plath's journals were first published in 1982, what was most obvious about her was the supercharged nature of her emotions. Whatever causal agents may have been governing Plath's life, they were blown back by the force of her personality.

As unmistakable as were Plath's volatile emotions in the 1982 journals, the heavy editing of the text necessarily made it hard to discern the patterns to her moods. Even so, there did seem to be a detectable pattern, and it did not seem then, nor had it seemed to the people closest to her during the last years of her life, to be merely a function of temperament. In the weeks before her suicide, Plath's physician, John Horder, noted that Plath was not simply deeply depressed, but that her condition extended beyond the boundaries of a psychological explanation.

In a letter years later to Plath biographer Linda Wagner-Martin, Horder stated: "I believe ... she was liable to large swings of mood, but so excessive that a doctor inevitably thinks in terms of brain chemistry. This does not reduce the concurrent importance of marriage break-up or of exhaustion after a period of unusual artistic activity or from recent infectious illness or from the difficulties of being a responsible, practical mother. The full explanation has to take all these factors into account and more. But the irrational compulsion to end it makes me think that the body was governing the mind."

For at least the past 10 years it has been generally assumed that Plath fit the schema of manic-depressive illness, with alternating periods of depression and more productive and elated episodes.

The hypothesis that Plath suffered from a bipolar disorder is persuasive. But in late 1990, another, even more intriguing medical theory emerged. Using the evidence of Plath's letters, poems, biographies and the 1982 journals, a graduate student named Catherine Thompson proposed that Plath had suffered from a severe case of premenstrual syndrome. In "Dawn Poems in Blood: Sylvia Plath and PMS," which appeared in the literary magazine Triquarterly, Thompson theorized that Plath's mood volatility, depressions, many chronic ailments and ultimately her suicide were traceable to the poet's menstrual cycles and the hormonal disruptions caused by PMS.

Thompson pointed out that Plath unwittingly recorded experiencing on a cyclical basis all of the major symptoms of PMS, as well as many others, including low impulse control, extreme anger, unexplained crying and hypersensitivity. She also suffered many of the physical symptoms associated with PMS, notably extreme fatigue, insomnia and hypersomnia, extreme changes in appetite, itchiness, conjunctivitis, ringing in the ears, feelings of suffocation, headaches, heart palpitations and the exacerbation of chronic conditions such as her famous sinus infections.

Thompson compared Plath's reported mood and health changes with the journals, letters and biographies and found that her symptoms seemed to appear and disappear abruptly on a fairly regular schedule, with clusters of physical symptoms and depressive affect followed by dramatic changes in outlook and overall physical health. Those patterns can be directly linked to the dates of Plath's actual menses, particularly in 1958 and 1959, when she most habitually noted her cycles. Judging from the pattern of Plath's depression and health in late 1952 and in 1953 until her Aug. 24 suicide attempt, Thompson posited that "it seems reasonable to conclude that this suicide attempt was directly precipitated by hormonal disruption during the late luteal phase of her menstrual cycle and secondarily by her loss of self-esteem at being unable to control her depression."

Thompson showed that a well-known journal entry from Feb. 20, 1956, is clearly traceable to Plath's menses, to which she refers directly a few days later. The journal fragment takes on new meaning in light of having been written during the physically and emotionally debilitating luteal phase of Plath's cycle: "Dear Doctor: I am feeling very sick. I have a heart in my stomach which throbs and mocks. Suddenly the simple rituals of the day balk like a stubborn horse. It gets impossible to look people in the eye: corruption may break out again? Who knows. Small talk becomes desperate. Hostility grows, too. That dangerous, deadly venom which comes from a sick heart. Sick mind, too." On Feb. 24, the same day she notes in her journal that she has a sinus cold and "atop of this, through the hellish sleepless night of feverish sniffling and tossing, the macabre cramps of my period (curse, yes) and the wet, messy spurt of blood," Plath wrote a letter to her mother blaming her dark mood on her physical health: "I am so sick of having a cold every month; like this time, it generally combines with my period."

By the fall of 1962, the poems (which Plath carefully dated as they were completed) seem to follow a pattern of metaphorical renewals and optimistic transformations for roughly two to three weeks of artistic production, then jagged, seething accusations and aggression for a couple of weeks.

Thompson's PMS theory has been largely ignored by Plath scholars. But it immediately gained two important supporters: Anne Stevenson, Plath's controversial biographer, and Olwyn Hughes, Plath's former sister-in-law, whose letters were published in a subsequent issue of Triquarterly. Though oddly defensive in tone, Stevenson's letter does commend Thompson for her "invaluable contribution to Plath scholarship ... Certainly no future study of Plath will be able to ignore the probable effects of premenstrual syndrome on her imagination and behavior." And it states that she wishes she had been able to utilize Thompson's insights in the writing of her own work on Plath.

A letter from Olwyn Hughes also congratulates Thompson for her scholarship, but unlike Stevenson, Hughes practically stumbles over herself in amazement at the PMS theory. Hughes, who was quoted in Janet Malcolm's book "The Silent Woman: Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes" as characterizing her long-dead sister-in-law as "pretty straight poison," wrote to Thompson: "It is quite a shock to digest all this -- after thinking for so long that Sylvia's subconscious mind was her prison, and to suddenly realise it may well have been in part, or wholly, her body. But it certainly tallies with Ted's mentions -- he has always felt some chemical imbalance was involved."

Hughes further points out that Ted Hughes had spoken of Plath's ravenous appetite just prior to her periods and asks, "I wonder if that is a known characteristic of PMS?" (According to the PMS literature, it is.) But most tellingly, Olwyn Hughes explains that "one of the reasons I was so bowled over by your piece is that Sylvia's daughter, very like her physically, suffers quite badly from PMS but is, in these enlightened times, aware of it and treats it."

Dr. Glenn Bair, one of the leading experts on PMS treatment and research in the United States, confirmed to Salon that PMS is typically passed from mother to daughter. In a rare interview about her parents, Frieda Hughes told the Manchester Guardian in 1997 that after the "collapse of her health," including extreme fatigue and gynecological problems, she underwent a hysterectomy in her 30s.

After a careful review of Thompson's article, of a seven-page monthly breakdown of Plath's symptoms for 1958 through 1959 and of the documented evidence of Plath's pregnancies and postpartum symptoms of 1959 through 1962, Bair said, "If you hack through the PMDD criteria, I think that you'll find that she fits the PMDD profile."

[danielxricciardo]

Can you do one with Max, with 46 and 55 from angst list?

Summary: You are suffering from depression and Max tries to be by your side

Warnings: angst, swearing, mentions of suicide, depression

Word count: 3.6k+

46. “I’ll leave, and the world will move on. I just wish I could see it. See how much better everything is when I’m gone.”

55. “You’re good at finding things. Find me a reason to stay.”

Depression feels like a lot of things.

It feels like sadness, which is what everyone will tell you. It's a pretty common thread.

"I'm worthless."

"Everyone thinks I'm a horrible burden."

So on and so forth.

Everyone in the world is happy but you, and in the end, you are a worthless piece of shit that doesn't belong in this otherwise glorious and happy place. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you are lying there on your bed in the same unlaundered pair of pajamas, wondering why you are even allowed to keep living any longer. Some meteor strikes or lightning bolts should be reserved for people like you because you are taking up space and oxygen and food and other resources that real, happy, productive people need.

It feels like emptiness. You have all these possibilities and none of them seem interesting. You could do some art, or play some music, but that just doesn't feel right. There's no joy in it. You could have sex with your significant other, but you can't muster up the desire. You could play video games, or read a book. But what's the point? There's no real benefit to all of it but passing the time. You could get up and make lunch. But no, you're not that hungry, and if you close your eyes, time will pass a little faster. You can lie there. That works. It doesn't require active effort to do something fruitless. Everything is as empty and fruitless as lying and staring out your window at the clouds and the shifting shadows of tree branches, and so why do anything else?

It feels like fatigue. Standing up out of your bed requires the same amount of bodily effort as climbing several flights of stairs. Managing to get dressed and walk outside is like running a race. Heaven helps you if you try to go to the store or a friend's house -- that may as well be on the other side of the continent. Every step is heavy. Every muscle motion requires ten times the work it used to. Exercise becomes difficult, and control over your body expires quickly. You become clumsier, so heavy lifting is right out. You daze out randomly, daydreaming, even dozing, so biking or running is hard. You feel most at home when you are entirely relaxed, so you lie down...and don't get up again until something like your bladder compels you.

It feels like a loss of control. You have no idea why your brain and body are doing this. You don't want to feel sad. Nobody wants to feel shitty and tired and empty all the time. People will look at you and say, "It's like you don't want to get better." Those people are idiots. You truly, deeply, from the bottom of your soul, have no idea why this has happened or what to do. It's not logical. It makes no sense. You woke up like this, or it crept in overtime or something like that. It's like a fog, a force of nature that sweeps in, occludes everything, and there's not one thing you can do about it from where you stand. Trying feels like taking a paper fan outside and trying to blow away the morning mist. Someone has tied puppet strings to your brain and is playing this hideous dance with it, and you don't have the scissors to cut them away. The dance doesn't make sense; it's arbitrary and rhythmless. If you had any sort of reasoning behind it, you could take control. But you don't.

It feels like desperation. You can't find a way out. You lie there at night, keening into your pillow like a wounded animal, making all sorts of noises that no human being should be able to make. You claw and scratch at the sheets, or at yourself, as the pain wrings itself out through bodily expression. The tears won't stop. You don't know why. All you know is that it hurts, it really and truly hurts, and you think if it goes on any longer, you're going to die. Right there. Bleed out on the floor. So you grab up your phone, and you call someone at 4 AM, and you beg them to please just make it stop. You bury yourself in books and movies because at least then you can imagine something else than yourself. You read nonstop. You have to have your fix. It's like an addiction, no, more like a life support machine. Otherworlds, fantasies of happiness, and real experiences that aren't your horrible existence become the iron lung keeping air flowing in and out. You are alive because you can stop thinking for a while. Your friends come over to comfort you. Their stories keep you sane and well, like dialysis for all the toxins in you. Your mind has failed at being independent, and now it relies on a thousand little machines to keep itself running. You rely on one machine until another comes to save you. You read books until your friends come by. You stretch out your time with friends until you have to bury yourself in a movie again just to keep the thought of real-life away.

It feels like untamed anger. Your friends can't keep this up forever. You fall further and further, and you eventually start dropping commitments. You have become That Person, the flake that everyone knows will back out. People start getting annoyed at you, annoyed at how they have to spend so much time just keeping you afloat, annoyed at how often you're causing them trouble by constantly disappearing and backing out of appointments, and so on. Your workplace gets annoyed at your lack of productivity. And then you can't take it anymore, and you want to scream at them, grab them by the throat and shake them because IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! You start having twisted fantasies, the ones where you walk up to that person who keeps telling you he can't do this anymore, you're just too unreliable, putting a gun to your head and pulling the trigger. Just to make him know, for once, that FUCK HIM, your problems are REAL, DAMMIT, REAL, and he better FUCKING RESPECT that. And when you're gone, he'll fall to his knees and cry, and he'll say, he wishes he had understood, that he didn't mean to be so unkind, and the scar on his heart from his own failure will remain fresh and knotted for eternity. And then you shake yourself out of the daydream, and you wonder why you have turned into such a horrible person, someone who even considers ending their own life just to spite another human being. Then it creeps back in, the knowledge that the world is getting fed up with you...and the cycle begins again. You start thriving off these daydreams, because at the very least if you can't be happy, you can throw caution to the wind and get the petty, oddly satisfying revenge buried under all those layers of morality that are becoming worn and flaking away. It's just a fantasy, right? And it helps pass the time...

It feels like forever. You have forgotten what it's like to truly be joyful. You can imagine it, but it's not really you in those thoughts. This is who you are. This is your life. This is you.

It feels like you have only one thing truly under your power: your existence. You cannot choose what life throws at you. Your brain and body have betrayed you. Your friends have worn away, and you've fled from your job and any commitments you have.

It feels empowering. You can jump whenever you want.

But he accepted you the way you are. He never reproached you for negatively influencing his mentality or life, even though you knew he felt it too. He always listened to you, he was with you even at 2 in the morning when you were crying on the bathroom floor with your knees to your chest, and you knew it wasn't right. It wasn't right for him to go through, basically, what you were going through. But no matter how much you told him you could do it without his help, Max was coming back more insistently than ever.

He came up with the idea to start therapy. "You have to find out why you feel this way. Go at least once, see how it is, if you don't like it or feel that it doesn't help you, you will give up, okay?" That was a year and a half ago.

The psychologist gave you a diagnosis from the first session: Major Depressive Disorder. Sure you knew what the three words meant, but you didn't know what it meant to have a label on your condition.

"A major depressive disorder is characterized by one or more of these depressive episodes. the diagnosis of major depressive disorder requires depressed mood or anhedonia which is the loss of interest in pleasure and five or more signs or symptoms for the SIGECAPS mnemonic for a 2-week period. (SIGECAPS) Sleep Disturbance, loss of Interest, feeling Guilty, feeling fatigued and low in Energy, having decreased Concentration, decreased or increased Appetite and been agitated and slow and having Suicidal ideation."

It sounds incredible to you. Suicidal thoughts? Not everyone has a thought, somewhere, behind their mind 'What if I disappeared?'

You were prescribed Prozac and Zoloft and it helped. You weren't always sad anymore, you could go to the races with Max and support him as a normal girlfriend does. You apologized to my friends who tried to help me and whose lives you made impossible and you managed to get back to work, from home anyway. Sure, you still had moments when you felt like you weren't 100% yourself but not like before. You did therapy twice a week and the psychologist was happy with your evolution.

But being the stupid ass that you are, you stopped taking the medication. You took the last pill on Friday. Because you were fine. You felt ok, everyone around you told you you were better, you were doing amazing, so you were cured, right? Or so you thought. Saturday was normal. Sunday was not. Your mood and energy were very low. You woke up at like 2 in the afternoon. That is not unusual for you. You’re used to it. You were sad. You were exhausted. You knew that feeling like this was “no excuse” so you tried to force yourself to do it anyway. Typical of your life. You feel like you had already taken so much off work because of the triple-header, you were for three weeks attached to the hips with Max.

The only thing you thought of was dying. And that terrified you. And Max senses something was wrong. But he didn't want to tell something and ending up being wrong and you being upset by his misinterpretation. But, yes, he sensed that you were becoming your old self.

"Hey, babe," he snapped you out of your daydreaming. A tragic one, where you were finally at peace and Max was crying for you. You were on the verge of crying yourself at the mere image of Max in your head. But you pushed it far from your mind, somewhere in a dark corner for you to find it at an appropriate time to fantasize about your dying. "How about we go to a picnic? It's sunny outside."

Yes, the wheater was amazing. It was finally summer and you could go outside and spend some time with Max. But your brain literally is tricking you into thinking you don't deserve to enjoy the sunny day. Why? You don't have an answer.

"I'm not really in the mood, Max. Sorry."

You are not in the mood. That was his affirmation. You are not ok.

"You feeling good?"

"Yeah. Just tired I guess."

"But you just woke up."

You shrugged. He was right. You just woke up, so why do you feel like you were carrying a ton of bricks on your shoulders? You couldn't walk. You almost felt like 18 months ago. And that is when it hit you. And Max, at the same time.

"Still taking your meds, I hope."

Silence. Your mind was like overcrowded and you couldn’t take it anymore. You grabbed your head and pulled your hair because you wanted it to stop. You were thinking that you didn’t know what to think. You didn’t know how to think. You didn’t know how you felt. You were like anxious-depressed-angry-miserable-irritable all in one. Your head was spinning with thoughts. Thoughts were talking over thoughts. So fast that you couldn’t even make out one complete sentence. It was just too much for you to handle. You just wanted someone to kill you.

Max came to you and he hugged you so hard you thought he could crush your bones right there and then. You calmed down eventually. But now you were embarrassed. Because Max saw you, again, at your lowest. Because you promised you'll get better, and for a while, you were better, but now you are fucked and back into square one. All those money on therapy and your pills, for what? For you to stop taking them because you thought you were feeling better? Well, you definitely were not ok, nor you'll be. So, yeah, being fucked sounded good.

Max brought you the medicine and a glass of water. Taking the pills again? For what? The pills only fuel the feeling that everything is fine and that you are a normal person. Nothing was good and you were not a normal person.

But you took the pills. And you looked Max in the eyes and you wanted to die. He seemed crushed. He was sad, devastated, maybe angry but definitely disappointed. In you. Because maybe you don't realize this, but while you were doing good, he was doing great. He knew you could be on your own so he stopped worrying that much, and that could also be seen in his driving. He was winning more races, he was at his best and now he was at his lowest. Because you were at your lowest; co-dependency and shit.

"I'm sorry, baby. I thought I was doing well enough to stop taking the meds," you say in a broken voice but the tears are yet to appear. He stroked your hair and kissed you on your forehead.

"You should have told me. You don't have to go thru this alone. I am here."

"Yeah, you are here. But you don't have to be!" you snapped. Irritability, one thing your depression came with. "I am just a burden for you. And no, this does not come from the fact I stopped taking my pills. You took care of me like I was a child, and, fuck it, you don't deserve this."

"Stop talking like this, alright? If I would suffer from depression you would have done the same thing. You would have taken care of me. Or am I wrong?"

"You are not wrong. To be honest, I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for you, but I don't want you to be. It's obvious that I would never get better. This is me. I am fucked in the head, half wishing I was dead and I am just bringing you down."

"Don't tell me this is a fucking break up, Y/N." he narrows his brows and looks at your features to make sure you were being serious.

“I’ll leave, and the world will move on. I just wish I could see it. See how much better everything is when I’m gone.”

"What the fuck are you talking about? Is this a break-up or a suicidal vocal note?"

You broke down. Crying can be cathartic and healthy, but if it goes on too long it can lock your body in a feeling of despair. Even if your mind works through the problem that caused the crying, because your body is still feeling the physical effects it will cause your mind to revert to the negative state. It's not sadness. It's dread and paralysis. You had a certain feeling of emptiness and purposelessness.

“You’re good at finding things. Find me a reason to stay,” you say between sobs.

"You want me to find you a reason to stay alive or to stay in this relationship? To be frank, I can name a thousand reasons, but it all depends on you."

Max hugs you from behind and you lay your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat that was stronger than ever. You allowed yourself to inhale Max's scent, a soothing scent you could get drunk on.

"I want to believe you love me. I mean, I love you and I consider you the love of my life, you know? We are so young and I know it doesn't feel like it, but I promise you, I'm gonna marry you someday, even if right now you don't think you're gonna make it till tomorrow. So, yeah, this is reason number one," he said and pressed a kiss to your cheek. "This is not the worst you have been through in life. Remember where you were 18 months ago; you had no idea what was wrong with you. Now you know and you know you can be better. I know you get sick of those pills, but maybe, in the future, you won't need them. Isn't that exciting? This was reason number two," he said and pressed another kiss to your cheek. He was going to do that every time he would give you a reason. "Have you been to all the beautiful places around the world? Sure, you came to a few Grand Prix, but you never saw Great Ocean Road in Australia, you know Daniel promised he would take us there someday. You never saw Pamukkale in Turkey or Japan in Cherry Blossom season or the Blue Lagoon in Iceland. There are many places you need to visit, baby. So, yeah, this was reason number three. I don't know if you want me to continue but I can give you one more reason. Reason number four. Do it for you, baby. You deserve to live and be happy. I know you can be happy and I promise you I will do my best to help you. You just have to take it one step at a time. You just have to let me in. Let me help you, baby."

You turn around, facing him now. You loved him, with all of your heart. You love him for who he is. You love him because he literally came into your life as your lifeline. You love him because he helped you crawl up the deep bottomless abyss of depression. You love him because he had the patience and the audacity to bear with your depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, your phobias, your mood swings, your temperamental and short-tempered nature, your overthinking, your being overprotectiveness, and possessiveness. You love him because never once he thought of giving up on you in your hard times. You love him because he stands by you like a rock of unwavering support and he’s someone you can fall back on. You love him because he listens to you talking non-stop about your past, your pains, your fears, and your losses without complaining even once. You love him because he rediscovered you and helped you find yourself again when you were lost in darkness. You love him because he filled you with confidence and hope and strength and belief and determination. You love him because he believes you are the best when you set your mind on something and no one can stop you from achieving your goals. You love him because he is protective, caring, understanding, loving, and easy to be with while never being too suffocating or taking up your space. You love him because sooner or later he does everything you ask of him and does with his whole attention. You love him because whatever endeavor he engages in, he likes to give his 100% and hates doing half-hearted things. You love him because he can decode the nuances in your voice and judge your mood just perfectly. You love him because he read you like an open book and he can hear your silence. You love him because he never doubts your loyalty, your intentions, your hard work, and your million issues. You love him because no matter how busy he might get he never forgets that you are waiting for his message or his call. You love him because he keeps you in his priorities. You love him because he gave you a passion you never knew you had. You love him because he very strongly believes that you deserve the best of everything. You love him because he is empathic, kind, magnanimous, thoughtful, and down to Earth. You love him because he has eyes for no one but you. You love him because he wants to see you healthy, wealthy, prosperous, famous and he wants you to hold back at nothing, for no one, he wants you to be a Go-Getter. And most importantly you love him because no one ever loved you like he did.

"I will let you in," you say and you kiss him hard. "I'm sorry for the scene I caused."

"Don't be. It happens."

[seasidefallenangel]

hq characters with a neurodivergent s/o

✰ neurodivergency refers to someone with adhd and/or autism.

sugawara koushi;

○ he tries his best to offer as much support as possible. he can’t say he understands a lot of it, but he absolutely sympathizes with you. you don’t have to worry a ton when you have more off days, or in the event you have rsd, that he’ll get upset with your feelings. he knows you genuinely can’t help it, and very rarely gets upset to point where he’d need a little distance from you

○ picks up on the concept of hyperfixations fairly easily. he can’t even begin to imagine how horrible it is - if one day he woke up and his passions meant nothing to him anymore. if you have a hard time making friends because of how quickly and intensely your interests change, he makes an effort to try and get into some of the new stuff you pick up. he can’t always guarantee he’ll like it or anything, but he’s always willing to listen to you infodump

○ if he spots any sort of fidget toy/stressball/etc, he’ll buy one for you. he’s not sure if they actually help you a lot, but you always seem super grateful for it. he’ll take notice of what ones you tend to reach for more and try to gear towards getting those ones for you

○ as patient as he is, he does have his moments where he can get overwhelmed with you. times where your impulsivity, aggression or other symptoms of neurodivergency become too much for him to handle can lead to him snapping a little. he’ll make sure to leave the room as he knows it’s not your fault and you don’t act like this on purpose, but he’s only human. he makes sure afterwards to let you know he’d never blame you for what you can’t help, and to not be too hard on yourself in these situations

nishinoya yuu;

○ there’s honestly a fair chance he had adhd himself, even if he doesn’t realize it. you’ve never explicitly said you think he is to his face, but sometimes you hint that the way you treat certain things is really similar

○ he’s a big believer that being spontaneous keeps a relationship fun and interesting, which is both a blessing and a curse. on some days, something new and unknown is exactly what you need to stimulate your brain and keep your attention. other days it’s hard to find purpose in doing anything at all, and keeping up with his energy proves to be difficult

○ he really doesn’t want to get annoyed with you, but it tends to happen pretty often. he recognizes you’re not purposefully trying to make him mad and in return he’ll try his hardest to never lash out at you. there’s been a few moments where it was just  impossible to control himself (another sign of someone who’s nd, you noted afterwards), but both of you understand each others grievances and are able to work past it

kageyama tobio;

○ at first, he’s not going to take you seriously. he’s the type to say that you're just avoiding your problems, making up excuses, overreacting. the “if you want to do something, then just do it” type of person. he doesn’t really think he’s coming off as being an asshole, but when there’s a very noticeable rift between the two of you, he starts racking his brain for what might’ve made you upset and eventually puts two and two together

○ it takes time, as many things like this do. you’ll have to really sit down and explain things to him, and he slowly starts to understand. he’ll tell you some of this stuff reminds him of himself before brushing it off and never questioning it again. you absolutely suspect he’s on the spectrum but won’t bring it up until he either asks you or starts thinking about it himself - which happens when you accidentally mention how volleyball seems to be his special intrest

○ it can be... difficult to say the least. he can’t really keep up all that well with sudden shifts and the irritability you often show over things that seemingly don’t matter. sometimes it’s hard for him to not take things personally, and the fact you two seem so similar in this regard raises a fair amount of problems. you both have to learn from the issues and work together to co-exist peacefully, but it’s very worth it in the end

tsukishima kei;

○ tsukishima will pick on almost anyone for almost anything. this is something he will absolutely never joke about. he made the mistake once early on - something about a test grade - and had to deal with your emotional outburst, following a meltdown, over how you tried so hard but nothing makes sense. you can’t just sit in a class and learn like he does, you’ll never be normal, never be good enough-

○ he had to stop the downward spiral in the middle of the sidewalk, but he was too shaken up to worry about embarrassment. that sort of reaction wasn’t normal by any means, and when he got home that night he tried looking into why exactly that happened. the complete shift in attitude the next day was jarring you to, but the genuine apology was even more jarring. he doesn’t apologize easily, but something about having made fun of a neurological disorder you’ve suffered with your whole life just doesn’t sit well in his stomach

○ he picks up extremely quickly, even for him. he’s very perceptive of when you’re more on-edge than usual and reminds himself to be patient with you. he’s not coddling in public (unless you’re having some sort of breakdown or panic attack) but it’s noticeable that he doesn’t make any sort of jabs at you like he does with most others

○ helps tutor you without any gripes. he won’t lie and say he gets how hard it is for you to understand certain concepts, but he’s aware things don’t come as easily to other people like it does to him. very thorough in explaining whatever you have difficulty with and tries coming up with real life examples to help it make more sense. if it does become too much for him (he’s still a high schooler regardless of how he acts), he’ll end the session and let you know it’s nobody’s fault 

kuroo tetsurou;

○ one of, if not at the top of the list, the best people to date if you’re neurodivergent. he takes this extremely seriously and doesn’t doubt you at all when you explain how it feels like everyday your disorder slowly rips you apart until there’s nothing left. every part of your life is affected by this and he wants to be able to help you feel as normal as possible despite everything weighing you down

○ puts a lot of time and research into your disorders. he wants to understand what’s helpful and what’s counterproductive without bothering you about it since he doesn’t know if you might react badly. he has a very good balance of figuring out how to help you cope in certain scenarios even if they’re not ideal and removing you from a situation where things are just too heavy for you to handle

○ he really stresses how important it is you talk to him about your boundaries, things you need, moments where you’re overwhelmed, etc. he can’t imagine life has been that easy for you thus far and tries to do everything he can, from helping with schoolwork, getting fidget toys, introducing you to new things that may help, and anything in between. he never wants you to feel as if you’re a burden or difficult because of what you can’t control, and will bend over backwards to prove it

kozume kenma;

○ kenma is fairly well versed in online topics and this is one that comes up often. given how perceptive he is towards the world around him, he was pretty easily able to figure out that something was different about you far before you started dating. he doesn’t speak about it much with you but does a lot behind-the-scenes to help make everyday life easier

○ given that kenma is always getting into new games and franchises, he’s able to help make the time in between hyperfixations more bearable. you had described to him how empty and monotone everything feels when you aren’t focused on something specific and he really hates picturing you so lifeless because your brain just won’t let you consume things normally. even if you aren’t playing the game so much as just watching his do it, he feels better knowing there’s something distracting you

○ something important to remember is that you’re not the only one who can act out or get overwhelmed easily. kenma hates being pushed out of his comfort zone and imagines it the same for you, so he makes sure to never put you in a place where you might face sensory overload or anything of the sort. he expects the same treatment back. infodumping is fine and he’ll nod and listen to you, but if there’s a point where you become suffocating then he’ll ask you to take a step back and give him a moment. wants to avoid triggering anything rsd-related so he’ll specify this isn’t your fault and that everyone makes him feel this way at some point

oikawa tooru;

○ quite possibly one of the worst people to go through this with you at the start. oikawa puts his soul into everything he does even if it shatters him, so some of your behaviors might not sit well with him. a lot of people who are neurodivergent have something they naturally excel in and in the same vein, end up dropping or disregarding because they no longer hyperfocus on it. it reminds him too much of a certain kouhai who had all the ability oikawa did with none of the years of practice it took him to get there, and puts a bad taste in your mouth

○ explain to him it’s not fair that he treats you in a way that implies you enjoy living like this, because you’d give anything to keep interests you have for longer than a few weeks or months, regardless of how much you try to force yourself to stay into it. he re-evaluates himself and realizes he’s in the wrong. he’ll never fully understand how it affects you but he’ll listen and learn about it, ask questions, study how he can help. he compares how you hyperfixate to how much he’ll focus on volleyball and knows this has to be an equally giving relationship in regards to respecting the other interests

○ he’ll have his moments where he can’t pretend that he’s able to handle your mood swings and inability to just sit down and pay attention to something. you tell him he wouldn’t be normal if he was somehow okay with everything you do. an afternoon where he practices in the gym by himself and you sit and binge watch something is good enough for some breathing room without causing any unclosable rift to appear. he’ll may sure he’s listening intently when he comes home and you go into detail about a new hobby of yours. he’s trying his absolute best, i promise you

bokuto koutaro;

○ it’s highly likely bokuto has adhd himself. it’s one of those things adults just say to kids when they’re being hyperactive without actually knowing all the things that come with having adhd, but the older bokuto got the more he looked into it and realized it might actually be a thing for him. there’s a lot of neurodivergent-related issues you have that sometimes fly over his head or he has to go back and think about again, but he’s the last person who ever wants to cause any issues for you

○ he’ll ask you questions regarding if you think he has adhd and some of the signs that make it recognizable. he’s terrified at the idea volleyball might just be a hyperfixation of his, but feels much better when you explain special interests and how if anything it would fall under that category for him. these conversations are a very intimate bonding moment for both of you, given how vulnerable you really have to be to let all your weaknesses be known without worry of ridicule. he wouldn’t trade the knowledge of having your trust so deeply for the world

○ bokuto, for as supportive as he is, can stimulate your brain in a bad way. he’s easily excitable and often has volume issues, and more than a few times has he triggered sensory overload for you. he feels horrible whenever it happens and wants to comfort you so badly, but knows the best thing is for him to just quiet down and leave you be. he never takes it personally and goes into “emo mode” because he knows how serious it can be. the only time he’ll get close in this moments is if you have a panic attack because of it in which case he tries helping you steady your breath and stop shaking. normally you’d hate being touched when you’re like this, but his arms and warmth work wonders for your psyche

tendou satori;

○ it’s terrifying how in-tune he is with you. it’s almost like you’re just talking about the weather instead of you trying to scratch the skin off your arm while your brain got the better of you. stimming, hyperfocusing, lack of interest, social interaction issues, you can talk to him about literally anything related to your neurodivergency and he’ll be on the exact same wavelength as you. he’s able to adapt very easily and can read your irritability, mood swings and any triggers you might have. is excellent at getting you out a situation before it becomes too much for you to bear

○ tendou is another character who always has something new to show you, so he’s also very good at filling the gap between hyperfixations. he’s somehow able to completely keep up with your infodumping and even will do something similar of the sort right back you. he loves finding new games and anime and will automatically partake in anything you show him. it really helps you mentally since you never feel like you’re talking too much or uncomfortably passionate about anything since he seems so genuinely interested in what you have to say

○ is extremely protective and defensive of you when it comes to others questioning why you act a certain way or do certain things. there’s probably a little bit of a personal tie there since he got bullied for being different when he was a kid, and he absolutely hates when people are derided because they don’t follow the falsely conceived notion of normalcy. you’re not harming anyone, why should it matter what you’re doing? if you’re insecure about stimming in public though, he invests in fidgets cubes for you to keep in your pockets to play with secretly so nobody notices anything out of the ordinary. his main goal is to make sure you’re happy no matter how much your head tries to tell your otherwise. really, he just loves you more than anything else

kita shinsuke;

○ if anyone else treated this the way mr. no gaps does, you’d absolutely freak out on them - but for some reason since it’s kita it comes off as comforting. he’s the type that doesn’t let you use disorders as a restriction or excuse to let yourself settle for mediocrity, but he makes it obvious that he wants to see you thrive despite the things holding you back. he’ll never put you in a situation he thinks will trigger any sort of attack, rather things he know you can handle if you put a little more faith in yourself and your abilities

○ if he sees you’re spiraling and can’t take any sort of outside forces interacting with you a ton then he’ll make sure you have a day or two off to yourself. he won’t criticize or ridicule you for anything and goes along with whatever whims you feel (or in same cases, don’t feel like doing anything at all.) understands there’s a very important balance you need to maintain in order to go through life feeling even semi-decent and doesn’t want to jeopardize any progress you’ve made towards helping yourself

○ likes to play casual volleyball in the backyard when you’re stable and attentive enough to understand what’s going on around you. if it becomes a hyperfixation of yours then he’ll be glad to go more in depth so long as it doesn’t hit a point where it’s damaging your ability to interact with anything else. he’s a big believer that moving your body and being outside helps relax you, even if you’re not enthusiastic at the moment about it. he won’t let anybody - not your family, not an outsider, not even yourself - look down on you for any disability you have

✧·ﾟ: *✧·ﾟ:* 　　 *:·ﾟ✧*:·ﾟ✧

✰ this was stupid self indulgent but idc!! i’m neurodivergent myself and let it be known that if you say you have hyperfixations and you’re not nd i will stick your arm in a deep fryer <3

[agathasangel]

leave everything behind but me- part 2 (diane sherman x fem!reader)

Warnings: Same as last time, Diane is still super dangerous. TW for drugging, stalking, talk of abuse, sickness, anything else you may expect from Diane. Also no smut but there’s implied sex.

Summary: Diane started at her new job, the reader becomes suspicious that Diane may not be who she says she is but has also began to develop more romantic feelings for her as she recovers from her mysterious illness, which ends up taking a turn for the much worse.

Diane started her new job as a science teacher at the local high school, but she still made plenty of time for you. You were still not feeling much better and often felt numb from all the painkillers the woman gave you, but she said she would make a doctor’s appointment for you as soon as she could.

All the jobs that you had applied for dropped you, so you spent most of the time Diane was at school looking for new jobs to apply for. She told you not to worry about money, that the High School paid her enough to support you as well as herself, but you told her you needed to feel like an adult and she respected that.

It had been a frustrating couple of weeks, no doubt, but the nights you and Diane spent together made everything well worth it. The two of you spent every night together, just you. You would cook together, and sometimes she would take you out if you were feeling up to it. You wondered if maybe your relationship would evolve into something of a more romantic nature. Or maybe you hoped.

One day you suggested that you come to school with her to help her and get out of the house and you swore her initial reaction was one of... panic?

“No! I mean... that’s not possible, I’m sorry.”

She also seemed to be hiding her papers from you. But you saw one and you soon realized that it was because all of the homework and lab reports she graded were for “Ms. Barronway” and she introduced herself and “Diane Sherman”.

“Oh... um, well, I’m used to using Sherman, it’s my married name but since my husband is long gone, so I’ve started using my, um, maiden name, Barronway, at school.”

That made perfect sense to you in the moment, so you dropped it. You felt sorry for Diane, having lost both her husband and daughter. You were glad you could be there for her. You just hoped you could give this woman all the love that she needed.

One night you tested your luck with the older woman. You were on the couch with her late at night, watching a movie and talking and you shyly moved in to kiss her. Diane grabbed you by your waist and kissed you back, harder.

“You’re so tense, my sweet girl. Relax...” she cooed in your ear as you let her take control, and finally, lead you to her bed.

Ever since that happened, you assumed that you and Diane were officailly together. You knew it was weird because she was so much older than you, but it just felt so natural. 

“You make me feel so loved, (y/n). I’ve never really had that before.”

You also learned that Diane was horribly abused as a child, and your heart broke for her. As bad as your relationship with your own parents was, and as difficult as your own childhood was, you couldn’t even imagine what she went through. You learned all this when you saw the scars on her back one night.

“Are you disgusted?”

“No, Diane. I could never be disgusted by you.”

“You’re so wonderful, (y/n).”

“I love you, Diane. You mean so much to me.”, you said as you kissed her.

The two of you started almost exclusively sleeping in her bed. She was always very gentle when she touched you, as your body was still struggling hard to recover from whatever illness you had. While she held you at night, you heard some of her whispers to you.

"My girl. All mine.”

“I love you, Diane.”

“I love you, baby girl.” she said as she kissed your cheek and settled as the two of you started to fall back asleep.

But, unfortunately, your life with her wasn’t perfect. As you started to recover and go out more with Diane, she became increasingly possessive and jealous. There was one particular incident that happened when the two of you were at a restaurant and the waitress slipped you her phone number. She had been flirting with you for your entire meal and you tried to make it clear that you and Diane were together. She clearly wasn’t taking the hint, as she kept mistaking Diane for your mom. Diane was growing angrier and angrier by the second, until she exploded in the car.

She was yelling, “You were leading her on, it was like you wanted her to flirt with you! You were staring at her. Have you forgotten everything I had done for you? How I took you in and took care of you when you were too sick to do anything for yourself? How I support you? She couldn’t love you the way I do, no one can, do you understand, (y/n)?”

“Diane, I wasn’t doing anything! I was trying to make it clear that I’m with you. I love you Diane. I’m yours.”

“Well you weren’t doing a very good job then, were you?”, she said, with so much anger seeping in her voice. You couldn’t stand it when Diane was mad at you.

“No... I’m sorry. You’ve done everything for me, I should be more grateful, I-” you said as you began to cry.

“Hey, hey, (y/n), I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

One you got home, Diane made some tea for the both of you and curled up with you on the couch. You swore you saw her put something extra in your tea, but you were too afraid to ask her, and you thought maybe it was just the sugar or something. The tea was very sweet.

Almost as if she had put in a ton of sugar to mask the taste of something else, you thought. But no, that’s impossible. Diane loves you, she cares so much about you. She would never try and drug you, that wouldn’t make any sense!

When you woke up, you were throwing up again. Diane was right there, taking care of you, making sure you didn’t have to get out of bed because you were too weak to walk without seeing stars.

“This is my fault, (y/n).”

“Huh?”

“I think I stressed you out too much last night. I shouldn’t have yelled, I know how much that scares you. And while you weren’t fully recovered, I- the stress must have made you relapse. I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” Diane said as a couple of tears rolled down her cheeks, “I’m going to dedicate myself to taking care of you. I’m going to take off work today, alright baby?”

“Thank you. Thank you for taking care of me.”

“Of course. Anything for my girl.”

Your doubts started to clear, but there was still a little voice at the back of your mind saying 

What if?

What if she did drug you? What if she wanted to hurt you? 

And if she did, would you still be in love with her anyway?

It scared you that you knew you probably would.

She came back into the room after calling into work and you decided to just ask, “Diane, why did you pick me up?”

“What kind of question is that?”

“Please, just tell me.”

“I picked you up because you looked like you needed some rest. And maybe someone to mother you for a while. It hurt me seeing you all dirty and sleep-deprived without even having money for food.”

“So you don’t like seeing me hurt?”

“Seeing you sick like this breaks my heart, (y/n). You have no idea. You’re so sweet and helpless and I love you so much.”

“And you would never hurt me?”

“Hey! Why do you think I would ever hurt you? I’m taking care of you now, why would I hurt you?”

“I- I don’t know. I don’t think you would. I’m just... scared.”

“What brought this on, sweetie?”

“I- I don’t know. Let’s just drop it, ok? I love you, Diane, that’s all that matters.”

“Right. I love you, (y/n), baby. I’m going to get you something to eat that’ll be easy on your stomach, ok?”

“Thanks, Diane. I love you.”

Her laptop was on the bed, and you took it to google your symptoms. The browser was open to facebook, and before you could change it you noticed that Diane had two accounts.

And then you saw that the second account belonged to Anna, the girl you planned on moving in with. You gasped and shut the laptop quickly, not wanting to believe any of the implications of what you saw. You were so shocked, and started to feel lightheaded.

And when Diane walked in, she saw you blacked out.

[aspd-culture]

I am from a home where an abusive Mormon father treated me inhumanely if I didn't fake empathy, and as an amazing person if I did. I have severe alexithymia but I always assumed that deep down, I felt what others said they did. As an adult, I am realizing that may not be true.

Because I learned through trauma that to be empathetic is to be safe and good, I have sought out highly empathetic close friends, and represented myself as sharing that trait, even to the point of mimicking them. I liked how much stuff I could make them do for me and having "nice" people think I was nice, and we had fun together. Over time, these friends became very unsettled as I could not maintain masking much of the time once the friendship stopped being so new and exciting, and I was still presenting myself one way, very empathetic... But behaving another, hypoempathetic.

I make very hurtful social mistakes that make sense for someone without empathy, but not for someone with empathy, and then I explain them with elaborate lies that I want to believe are true. I still don't want to give up on my idea of myself as the person my father would approve of, a very caring being. I don't know what to do. What would others do in this situation?

I think the main thing to remember is that what you experienced was abuse based on something you cannot control. In fact, empathy in allistic children (possibly autistic children as well, but I haven't yet researched what causes some autistic people to be low-empathy) is a learned behavior that can only be learned during a critical period in early childhood brain development. If you are low-empathy or without empathy, it is probably your parents' fault in the first place.

I know it's not easy to hear, but being low-empathy or without empathy is not anything against you. Likely, you weren't so much learning empathy as much as gaining a couple skills that mimicked empathy, as many pwASPD do - cognitive empathy, sympathy, and masking. The first two can be very helpful at appearing as though you have affective empathy (the kind people mean when they just say "empathy"), but the last one is important to take breaks on and find safe people to be around who understand that part of you and don't judge you in any way for it. If not, you *will* burn out, as you mention has already happened.

Another thing to remember is that whether or not you do research and (if you do have it) admit to yourself that you have low empathy or no empathy, that will still be the case. Nothing about not acknowledging it will not make it any less true, you will just be keeping yourself away from the community and resources that exist to help you more effectively communicate with others. The best way to avoid accidentally showing your low/no empathy in places where it's not safe to is to work to understand it and find healthy ways to cope, which will be much harder if you deny it.

If you don't have low/no empathy, the way to reaffirm that is the same - doing your unbiased research into the experience of people who do.

I would recommend you continue to do your research and compare against your life/symptoms and try and also make your peace with the fact that pleasing someone who abused or still is abusive to you is not only nearly impossible, but also extremely unhealthy and damaging to your mental health. It is likely this abuse around empathy that caused it to fail to develop properly in the first place, and they don't deserve you putting them at such a high value.

Lastly do your best to internalize (although all of this will of course take time, and that's 100% ok and valid!) that empathy is a morally neutral trait. You are still able to be a deeply caring person with ASPD and/or low/no empathy, even if it takes more work. Many, many terrible people have perfect affective empathy, which only means they recognize how horribly they hurt people and still do nothing about it. Meanwhile many people with low/no empathy work 100x as hard as everyone else to be a "good" person even when they have to jump through so many hoops to even figure out when they've caused pain.

Who sounds like a better person to you? Someone who makes sure not to hurt people because they can feel that hurt too and it bothers them, or someone who isn't able to feel when they hurt people and has no emotional consequences to hurting people and still works their butt off to not do so?

Thank you for this question, I hope this helps! Good luck on your healing journey :)

[borderlinereminders]

I’m wondering if I may have BPD. I’ve found some traits in myself and with the time they’re getting worse. I’m extremely afraid of being abandoned by everyone, and now, when most of people are leaving me, I feel that my mental health is going straight to hell. I can’t sense myself, I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel in touch with reality, like everything around me is a big theatre. I can’t stop hurting myself different ways. I might have ED. Emotional swings were getting me sick, I was so tired of being unstable that I was glad when the total apathy came on me. I feel like it’s a void in me and nothing can fill it. I get angry very fast and turn it all on myself.

Last two month everything became even worse. I’m paranoid as hell. And I almost always worried and anxious. There are some days I think: “I’ll be alone anyway, they ALL will leave me, I should break up with all of them first before they hurt me”.

I’m so scared of it. I don’t have an ability to go to a therapist because of total control. I’m just a teen trying to figure out what the hell is happening. Will be very grateful if you’ll give some advices.

- Music kid 🎻

Hello!

While I can't tell you whether you have BPD, I can tell you that it may be worth trying some BPD coping skills either way. BPD coping skills do not exclusively work for BPD and if you are having similar symptoms, they may be worth trying and it's valid for you to get those supports.

Things like DBT for example. Here's a resource on some of the skills you learn with DBT. Please note there are a variety of them and they don't all work for everyone. It takes some trial and error to really figure out what works best for you. I also want you to know that your feelings are valid, and I'm sorry it's so hard.

It can be so hard to work at challenging those thoughts and working on them. But it is doable, whether it's BPD or not.

I am so sorry you don't have the ability to go to a therapist because I feel like they would be able to help you manage and work through some of this, but it is not impossible to learn some of the skills yourself and improve things for you.

April

[sokayisaidiot]

Dream SMP Assumption #7

Today’s topic: Everybody is suffering and you know it.

Please DO NOT read if you’re uncomfortable with the themes of death, depression and suicide. It’s a very complicated theme. I did NOT study it and do NOT know some aspects of it. I just go off the things I saw in the smp and made my own theories about it. If you’re even slightly triggered by this, please stop and do NOT try to read it. Please do NOT put yourself in some kind of uncomfortable zone.

Please do not. Thank you

(This is all assumptioning from the fictional world of dream smp)

(Heavy spoilers on the resent events)

(Also just assumptions, when you know something, you can always drop it :))

(Mainly around the lmanburg way, sadly need to learn more about badlands ): )

(This Series is created by another person, that’s just too fuckin lazy to move her butt)

Trigger warning today:

Suicide thoughts

(PTSD)

Depression

War

Child Neglect

Betrayal and Trust Issues

Death

Lets get this straight, no one is pure evil just because. Everybody has something happening and BOOM, finished chaos and sadness and strange behavior and aggressiveness and- You get me? Good. I will take on EVERYBODY who says that a person in the story didn't suffer. I aint a Apologist either. I just want to make some things clear who suffered how. Understand? Good.

Stop saying “[Character] didn't suffer!” Hell yes somehow everybody, close in the lore, fuckin did.

LET’S GET STARTED

__________________________

Tommyinnit

Lets start with one, who should be pretty obvious. Tommy. In my second Assumption, I explained symptoms of PTSD and Depression. 

He was never really trusted by any point

Was just as used as Techno, because who had Tommy controlled was pretty powerful

He was exiled by a country, he HELPED saving MULTIPLE times

He saw his brother get killed by his father

He experienced so many deaths (Tubbo’s, in the final control room, Schlatts, 

He lost his pets 

He lost his belongings

Has to be on edge constantly

Gets accused by someone and then MOSTLY EVERYBODY believes, it was him

He isn’t really taken seriously

He gets seen as power-hungry person

People literally having him on the Hitlist

He nearly saw his best friend dying, on a mission, that was started by him

His older Brother, who he has an confused relationship with, doesn't even want to be revived.

Lost his brother to insanity and had to sit in the FRONT ROW of this spiral

PTSD

Depression

Suicidal thoughts

Betrayal

next to no one on his actual side

got left by almost everyone

was stuck on a island with an amnesiac ghost, who is a shell of his older brother

gets told his comfort items he had before everything else didn't matter

constantly has to live on the edge because he runs around with one just fuckin heart

Tubbo

Next to Tommy, he also suffers from PTSD, Depression and Suicidal tendencies. And that doesn't mean you kill yourself. It means you are too careless to give a fuck. And that can happen. TUbbo was way too easy to give up his OWN LIVE for something his best friend has passion in it.

He got publicly executed in a place HE DECORATED by someone he considered his Allie

Had the burden of Presidency on his YOUNG shoulders

The People who had to teach him about it, were also there for the tyranny

Got constantly considered a pawn, a throwable item

The adults use him as a figure head and proceed then to use him

He HAD to exile his best friend, or Tommy would have died sooner than ever

PTSD

Suicidal in a way of being okay for dying

Depression

Betrayal

Never gets taken seriously

Gets over-spoken a LOT

GETS COMPARED TO FUCKIN MANIACS OFTEN

Didn’t get nice words after his manipulator told him down, just SILENCE

He nearly died

He heard 

Got left by everyone, when they didn't see anything in this place anymore

got told by his best friend, that the discs were more worth than him

As Tommy, he is always on the edge of death

Technoblade

Techno is one of the most powerful people here on the server. No doubt about it. However, if someone, even a God, tries to refuse they have feelings, it’s impossible. And those feelings, when they get something terrible done to them, get hurt.

BETRAYAL

Loneliness

A bloodlust he sometimes seriously can't control, no matter how much he tries

His best friend (Wilbur), died before his eyes

He thought he could trust his (little brother figure) friend

Gets used often for material

betrayal

Has a hard time understanding his feelings

Gets talked over

Is socially avoiding talking

Gets seen as a bad guy many times

Trust issues, yay!

Also BETRAYAL

has at least some people who want to kill him

Wilbur Soot

Our favorite maniac! Yay! We can all see how he fell from a proud Leader of a family to an lost in himself man, with nothing left to loose

Had to countdown his brothers death

Was killed by his father

His OWN SON disowned him

He wasn't able to get help, especially not from his younger brother

His Allies were not really trust worthy

He got betrayed by a close comerade

His dear Brother was sometimes really chaotic

He had to lead an army to war, not one, but two times

He lost the election

He had to run away from a country he helped create

Had a hard time with this father (with how it’s shown, that he maybe was neglected and had to raise Tommy)

Ranboo

Our favorite Memory-Minutes-Boi! I think EVERYBODY in this community will protect him

His first days on the server were pure Chaos

Had to see a person, he considers a friend, being rotten away and not being able to do anything about it

A sister figure who just went angry

He isn’t trusted by anyone really

He knows things others don’t

ALSO LOSING YOUR MEMORY AND HAVING CONSTANT MEMORY LOSS FUCKIN SUCKS, TRUST ME

Has serious issues

GETS TALKED OVER

Is often forced to take a side, even if he's against it

Phil

He has a hard time. Especially with the death, failed resurrection, disowning one of his son, he didn't got even close to. Being 

Also on the edge of death every day

Was in the end peer pressured into killing his own son

Suffering from the loss of his son

Couldn't help his youngest son in exile, because he thought Tommy hated him

Wasn’t there for L’Manburg glory days

was ridiculed in his house arrest

Dream

Of course, we all know how mad he is now and shit, but you gotta think, he has some points here, that are infecting his behavior LARGELY

His friends left him, without considering helping him

He had lost his dear pet before

He actually wanted peace, but fell into the fun of destruction and chaos without someone knowing or helping him

He is homeless

Probably, he is a old being, that already suffered for millions of years

Sapnap

He’s actually one of my favorite Characters and I think we know he has a place in here.

Third wheels a  l o t

Constantly being referred as the THIRD person, who isn't important

Fought his friend, who took the side of a child

Said friend had one of his beloved fishes by his side the hole time

Said Fish got thought as dead

Fundy

Some of you guys forgot how sad actually Fundy’s character is. He IS one of the most hurt characters. And he gave up hope

constantly being talked over

disowned by his hole family

GREW UP IN OLD L’MANBURG, WHICH WAS AT WAR

doesn’t think he is a part of a group

had to disown his father, to help fight a tyrannt

Got babied his whole life

His dead father is still running away from their problems

Doesn’t know where his mum is

Lost his home so often

Nihachu

Actually the person I watched for the first long time as in the SMP

Again, being talked over

Doesn’t get taken seriously

Lost her Best friend (Wilbur)

Got betrayed by her friend, Karl, by him selling their Land to L’Manburg

Gets used as a hostage or Maid in Distress, even when she isn’t

Got her pets killed

Then constantly being used for her niceness

Jack Manifold

He has a pretty big Role now, and he's very VERY angry. And you might ask why

Got left behind by his country

doesn’t get taken seriously

Got his most powerful items removed in one thing

His land somehow is near a crater

got told he didn't suffer somehow

Went to mf hell

Quackity

Quackity, despite his funny demeanor, he's one of the hurt character

with him staying with Schlatt, he had a uncomfortable relationship a long time

got killed by the festival

somehow helped organize the death of a child

Said kid helped a revolution against him

he helped a tyrant come to power and will probably never get it live down

fought for a country so often, but, two times, it got exploded in front of his face

had to face war, also in a young age

Eret

Our favorite King is here too! Yes, he may have started the distrust spiral of Eret, but somehow, someone would still have led them to the FINAL CONTROL ROOM. Somehow History will always be happening.

Had one of the hardest time, getting forgiven

Was never really given a chance

got accused of something

gets used as a pawn

He has shown often regret

got left alone

I think we all can say they are just having MULTIPLE communicate, trust and self worth issues. Like goddamn, Puffy, please help them, you’re one of the only sane people in the lore-

[hvilested]

Infatuation Is a Temporary Illusion: How to Escape the Pain

LucyJul 14, 2020

As a neuroscientist, I am fascinated by infatuation; it's such a strong, mysterious phenomenon, yet is entirely scientifically-explainable.

This Too Shall Pass

I will start this by saying that however deep and impossible your situation feels, you will leave this infatuated state. There will be a day when you can think about this special person without any type of pain or passion. You will remember how strongly you felt towards them while they didn't have the same feelings for you, and it will seem completely crazy that you were so stuck in limerence.

Albeit cliché, the concept that time is the only thing that will make you feel less magnetically drawn to someone who you cannot be with is true. You cannot magic away these feelings, because they are a strong illusion created by chemicals in your brain. Over time, your neurobiology will balance out again and this person, who is acting as a potent stimulus, will no longer inspire the same physiological response in you. Thinking about your situation scientifically helps, as it steers you away from thinking in terms of romance and delusion.

What Is an Infatuation?

Are you currently struggling with huge, incredibly deep feelings for someone that you will never be with? We use the term 'infatuation' (also limerence) to describe the state of being utterly enamored by and obsessed with someone; it is the wildest thing that a human can experience in the sober, baseline state. The invisible pull that you feel will seem so novel and colossal in strength that, if experiencing infatuation for the first time, you will be certain that you will 'never feel this again', and that this person is 'the one'. After all, your body and mind react so strongly and surely to them that it is impossible to imagine a life worth living that doesn't have them at the center of it. This is not the case, as you will experience several infatuations in your life if you are prone to them.

Due to differing genetics and brain chemistry, some people are more prone to entering limerence than others; in fact, some will never experience this roller coaster of euphoria and insecurity. Unrequited crushes are normal and not too much of an issue; unrequited infatuation not only encompasses incredibly powerful attraction, admiration and a general feeling of 'love' towards the subject, but is also agonizing and depressive by nature.

If the infatuated cannot be with the person that they desire, they will likely enter a deep depression and will feel completely out of order for weeks or months, until the feelings fade or they gain closure. Irrational thoughts and misery normally accompany this rollercoaster experience, as well as physical symptoms such as elevated libido and lack of appetite (due to an excess of dopamine in the brain).

Is It a Normal Crush or an Infatuation?

You may wonder how we can define things as vague and fluid as romantic feelings. However, the line between a healthy crush and a problematic infatuation is not as thin as it seems. Crushes can be unwanted and painful, bringing ups and downs into our lives, but a true infatuation blows a crush out of the water. If deeply infatuated with someone that you cannot be with, you will think irrational thoughts such as 'I want to die - X isn't in my life and everything else makes me miserable'.

These thoughts are falsehoods, for the world is so open that you will definitely encounter other people (as well as places, music and even fashion trends) that you find fascinating.

If you are simply experiencing a romantic crush, you will find the person very appealing and may intensely want to date them, but there will be less feeling than there is in limerence - less hormonal influence, less joy, and less crying. The highs will be less euphoric, sure, but the lows will not be nearly as crushing as those experienced in the limerent state.

The difference between a crush and an infatuation is that the former allows you to enjoy the warm feelings and be in control of your emotions, while the latter is extremely unhealthy and causes the sufferer a lot of pain if they cannot be with the person they desire. A crush may feel very strong and you may want to act differently to charm the subject of your feelings, but it will never be as delusional., destructive and fantasy-based as a true infatuation is.

So, how does one differentiate between the two? In short, if you feel so distraught that you cannot be with the person that you are googling for solutions, crying before bed and upon waking, losing interest in activities that you normally love, struggling to imagine a future without the person in your life, you are definitely infatuated and not crushing. If you treat this emotional conundrum as if it were a drug addiction, you will stop feeling this way in a matter of weeks or months.

Why Do People Become Infatuated in the First Place?

Most people go through their lives organically forming healthy 'crushes'; even when not actively seeking a partner, they will encounter a few people a year that will grab their attention and seem irresistible. After all, this is biologically advantageous; we are mammals and are meant to pursue, and eventually reproduce with, those that we deem physically and emotionally intriguing.

Having said this, I will clarify that your sexual orientation is totally unimportant in your ability to develop all-consuming, raging feelings for someone. This level of feeling is just as prevalent between people of the same gender as it is between those of opposite genders. However, we are wired to pursue, bond with and care for other human beings for the sole reason of reproduction and the survival of our species. If someone is infatuated with someone of the same gender, they will experience the same concoction of erratic emotions as a straight person. Neurochemical changes will temporarily dominate your life regardless of the perceived likelihood of the passing on of your genes.

infatuations

Rupi Kaur

What to Do? Understand That Your Feelings Are Scientifically-Explainable and Never Permanent

The wild array of feelings that come along with any form of attraction may seem intangible and wondrous, but they are caused by altered levels of different neurotransmitters. Focusing on the science behind such a strong human experience is crucial in dealing with the pain that it can cause you.

Reject dwelling in the infatuation too much. It's incredibly tempting to spend hours writing and lamenting about the subject of your "love", only to enter an even more heightened state of delusion. Even if this isn't your first infatuation and you saw that you got over your last one, remember that, naturally, you will be convinced that this person is the one and that you are ruining your life by missing out on being with them.This is nonsense and is your brain tricking you!

The best way to avoid falling into this nauseating, fantasy-driven loop of obsessing and fantasising and despairing is to understand the science behind this crazy human experience.

It is also incredibly comforting to know that unrequited infatuation very rarely lasts for more than 6-8 months, and often will fizzle out incredibly suddenly and much earlier than this. This is because infatuation is neither logical nor grounded at all. It is so, so ephemeral by nature; one day you will look back at this period of your life and it will seem like a wild but distant dream. Trust me on that one.

However, to break this person-addiction habit and ensure you never, ever cry over unrequited love again, you'll need to dig very deep and be committed to recovery. Your external world is a mere reflection of your beliefs and what you allow to imprint itself into your subconscious mind. By meeting your psychological needs healthily and treating unhealed wounds, you will become completely, 100% immune to infatuation/limerence. Potential partners will sparkle to you, make your heart sing and you'll be able to transition into real relationships with them instead of you manifesting unrequited love and crying spells. I promise you this.

infatuations

Feeling Something Intensely Doesn't Mean It's Permanent

Don't get confused and think that, just because you feel such strong passion for this person, your feelings will 'last forever' and you will 'never get over them'. For some reason, when us humans experience something intense or profound, we do what no other animals do and we introduce a poignant aspect of eternality to the situation. It's a huge logical fallacy to think 'I feel strongly about X, hence I will ALWAYS feel this way', yet we all do it. Our tragic flaw is, in many ways, that we are aware of time and the future and cannot simply live in the moment and deal with whatever strong feelings we are experiencing as they come and go.

If you think about, a large part of your pain is that you feel that you won't ever have a happy, fulfilled, exciting life without this individual. After all, they've inspired so much energy in you and you haven't felt this way with anyone else before. The truth is that, no, your infatuation will not last long and will certainly not be permanent.

Infatuation has a shelf-life because it is based in the fantasy and reality cannot maintain it. It is such idealisation and irrationality that, once the real world creeps in and you become aware that your feelings are unfounded and inappropriate, they will naturally dissipate. It is for this reason that couples who feel 'infatuated' often become bored after around 6 months. They aren't experiencing that surge of initial attraction or the wondrous mystery that their partner made them feel when they first met, because they were simply infatuated then and didn't really know their partner.

What Does It Mean If You're Prone To Infatuation?

Being a neuroscientist, my attention has been drawn to the fact that those of us who fall into infatuations are 1. prone to this state (experience it over and over again until they learn precisely how to treat the root cause, even if each "episode" feels novel and "different this time"), and 2. we are people who feel things very intensely.

Now, I am aware that virtually every single person on this planet feels certain things strongly and irrationally, but a limerence really is at the top of the scale in terms of intensity, especially since mental illness is usually thrown into the mix. Nearly every single person who I have seen who has fallen into a deep infatuation has been on the spectrum for severe depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder (BPD) or OCD (meaning, they could obtain a psychiatric diagnosis for one of these illnesses).

I don't want to scare you; I am a firm believer that we all sit on spectrums for most mental health conditions, and that there should be no fear or taboo enshrouding this type of information. Many of us could be diagnosed with different things and obtain certain psychiatric labels, but I don't think we should strive to do this unless our mental health is affecting our quality of life extremely negatively. However, I do have to tell you: infatuation at its worst is not neurotypical.

If you tend to live your life emptily, only motivated and made to feel emotion by unobtainable people who you think can make everything okay, then you are most probably mentally ill (by society's definition, at least). If your self-esteem was moderately high and you were mainly mentally healthy (no depressive episodes, no propensity to obsession, no episodes of mania) then it is highly unlikely that you would fall into an illusion so controlling as infatuation.

As I have mentioned and will continue mentioning in this article, infatuation is a deceitful trick. It's your brain's way of latching onto something that could, in theory, make you happy and take away all your troubles. For this reason, if you are infatuated with someone, you are not happy with your current life. You might want to tell me "I am happy and confident, this person is just so special/beautiful that I need them", but that statement would be yet another dopamine-driven delusion.

If you are prone to infatuation/limerence:

you have a lot of love to give to people, whether platonic or romantic (this is a blessing). I suggest that you utilise this in the healthiest possible way and focus on solidifying strong, platonic friendships. You won't feel the high of infatuation and attraction, but you won't experience the horrible lows either, and you will be immensely satisfied because you'll form close bonds and feel understood by people who want to be in your life for genuine reasons, other than desire.

as mentioned above, you are probably mentally ill in some way, and could most likely be diagnosed with OCD, depression, anxiety, BPD, or bipolar disorder. Don't let this scare you. A diagnosis would just be putting a label on what you've felt your entire life.

you will fall into more of these miserable infatuations if you do not treat the root-cause, which is unmet psychological needs and limiting beliefs regarding yourself and your worth. Don't let them shape your months and years, and don't let your life be a string of feelings for different people with you making no advancements in your own life. Even if you don't feel sound enough on a psychological level, force yourself to make friends, to exercise, to work and to read books. You'll be pleasantly surprised at how quickly you actually make new brain pathways and *escape* this hell.

you're very prone to fantasising about ideas, people and concepts that could, in theory, help you "escape" the current life or situation that you are in. Use this to your advantage - it just means that your brain is prone to creating dopaminergic pathways to motivate you. Currently, you're motivated to get this person into your life, but you can use this mental tactic to enjoy other things intensely, like academics, hobbies, pets etc. Become obsessed with another country, and make it your mission to learn the language fluently and move there within the next 8 years. Grab onto something other than a person that sparks your interest and get you thinking "my life would be amazing IF ...", whether it be the idea of gaining muscle at the gym, redecorating your house or writing a novel. Some would advise against this, but I have evidence to prove that it's a healthy way to cope with a propensity to idolising people. Hobbies/pets/languages/exercise won't turn you limerent, so obsess over them instead.

unless you work hard on yourself to recover from this susceptibility to falling hard and selflessly for people, your partners will never be on the same page as you. They will never love you as fiercely as you "love" them, because they will never be consumed by someone in the way that people consume and fill your existence. This may fill you with sadness but is reality; the fact that you have developed the behavioural pattern of limerence isn't their problem, nor is it something that many people will relate to. Wishing for someone to fall for you in this lovesick, bittersweet way is going to align you with reactive, toxic people who are generally unstable and enmesh with you too quickly.

the best comes last: you can become immune to infatuation/limerence! You'll need to do a lot of research on how to attack your subconscious mind and alter your brain's fundamental wirings, but it's surprisingly simpler than it sounds and the only path to complete emotional freedom.

infatuations

Rupi Kaur

Yes, This Is Just One of Your Many Phases!

Live in the moment and deal with any false, irrational thoughts like 'this will last forever'. Every time you think that, correct yourself and remember that you're feeling something very strong and unpleasant, but that's all it is and in no way does this equate to any form of permanence.

You can feel things strongly without them lasting forever! I don't know why we, as humans, struggle with this idea so much. There are so many sensory afflictions that come and go. For example, think of a terrible illness where you're vomiting constantly and can barely walk. You feel like you're never going to feel well again, but days later, you bounce back. The illness is just a faint memory that doesn't even inspire much emotion in you. Similarly, sometimes we come across music that we love and then can barely stand to hear it a month later.

We, as humans, go through many phases in our life. Phases are definitely valid life experiences, but find comfort in their ephemerality! This boy or girl is a phase in your life, albeit an intense one. One day, you will look back and associate them with whatever music you're currently listening to, the clothes you're currently wearing and the way that you feel. That is because those aspects of your life are also a phase. This person won't make your heart skip forever. If you take one thing from this article, let it be that. You won't believe me now, but there will come a time when you don't care who they date, and their name won't even stand out to you in a list. Human emotions are weird, huh?

Remember: You Love Your Brain's Chemicals, Not This Person

Unless you are experiencing a healthy crush within reality (just attraction and the feeling of connection), your infatuation is a result of an unhealthy dopamine reward circuit that your brain has essentially created as a survival mechanism. You are so depressed/unfulfilled/lonely that your brain knows that real life isn't offering much for you in terms of incentive to live, so it creates its own happiness in order to temporarily relieve you from unhappiness, nihilism and lack of focus.

Infatuation is the brain making its own fun through a 'fantasy bond'. Your brain provides you with a sugary high full of wonder and hope and promises for the future, and then when real life doesn't follow the illusion (e.g. when the person unsurprisingly doesn't devote their entire life to you because they have their own life/feelings), you will experience the consequent crash. There is a duality to every strong psychological experience, and what goes up always comes down.

Mocking yourself slightly and realising that your brain is 'glitching' in this way is imperative. Tell yourself, "I love dopamine, not him/her!". If the attraction wasn't there, and you knew their personality inside out, would you still 'need' them? It's almost impossible that you would. You might love them in a genuine, affectionate way, just like some elderly couples love each other after years of commitment, but it wouldn't be delightful and euphoric, nor would it be what you're craving now.

Find comfort in the above. If you find yourself thinking "I've met him at the wrong point in my life, we could have grown old together etc." remember that the romance wouldn't feel like this for more than a few months anyway. Yes, maybe if you had met this man in 5 years time you'd date and then marry him and be happy (in the stable sense of the word, with no thrill), but the truth is that that's not even what you want. You want to be able to act on the passionate feelings that you currently have, and for those to last forever, which is why the supposed "missed connection" is so tragic and hard for you to cope with. The thing is, as I've explained, the sheer concept of living with them forever and feeling this way with them forever is a fairytale that your brain has created.

In short: your brain has messed up here, and is misunderstanding the situation. We are animals at the end of the day, and our bodies function to promote survival, often not bothering about our feelings. If your life is lacking authenticity, excitement and motivation, your brain may work to ensure the survival of your genes by creating its own goals. Don't listen to everything that your mind is telling you and try not to crave the highs that it is offering you!

Neuroscience: What Causes Infatuation?

Understanding the science behind this turbulent experience is crucial, and is the only way to think practically without being nihilistic and numbing yourself to your feelings. This area of neuroscience is fascinating, as it deals with human experiences that seem so spiritual and magical that it's hard to believe that they are caused and controlled by relatively simple chemicals. However, a handful of neurotransmitters control all aspects of your mood and mental health, and therefore can explain every thought and motive that an infatuation will cause you to experience.

1. Dopamine is the 'pleasure chemical', and relates to euphoria, addiction and craving. It can also inspire goal-based behaviour, e.g. wanting to save money to plan an elaborate trip, or, more relevantly, wanting that "perfect life" with someone you have recently met where you two are alone and free, revelling in each other's happiness. When you first fall into infatuation and you cannot imagine happiness with anyone else but this individual, it is dopamine acting... and boy, is dopamine a powerful neurotransmitter! It gives us momentum in life and quite literally drives humanity, but in the case of infatuation, it is a delightful yet dangerous substance.

When noradrenaline is also released, the two neurotransmitters can undergo a reaction and produce not only an elated mood, but also focused attention, hyper-activity and loss of appetite. All of these changes can be witnessed in the "lovesick"; you develop tunnel vision during these biochemical changes. You are greatly inspired by anything to do with the other person, and bored at the rest of the world, for it all seems so dull compared to the object of your passion. While noradrenaline is a neurotransmitter and adrenaline a hormone, the two contribute synergistically to a racing heart and the novel excitement associated with love.

2. Serotonin is low when you are infatuated, which is counterintuitive, as high levels of serotonin are also commonly associated with "lovey-dovey" feelings. In fact, taking ecstasy causes a great release of this neurotransmitter, and depression is caused by low levels of it. However, the infatuated brain shows the same low serotonin levels as someone with OCD, which explains the obsessive nature of infatuation, and hence why you should avoid romanticizing your state and realize that you are essentially mentally ill while in the throes of this level of passion.

3. Adrenaline activates stress responses in the body, and is involved with the physiological signs of infatuation. It activates the levels of other hormones like cortisol, which all activate the sympathetic nervous system in a cascade-like manner, causing trembling, sweating and an increased heart rate.

4. Oxytocin is released during intimate acts, cuddling and other forms of close, trust-based contact. It is slightly different to the others, as it does not directly cause "infatuation". In other words, it does not contribute to the insanely powerful passion that one feels while infatuated. Rather, it adds to the experience by increasing the sweet feelings of trust and fondness. For this reason, it is also extremely important in relationships after the infatuation and hence the craving (caused by dopamine) wears off. If the people in the relationship do not possess adequate amounts of oxytocin (and vasopressin), it is unlikely that the relationship will last once they have passed through the drugged-up stage of infatuation and are suddenly aware of each other's flaws.

I urge you to think about the science behind your feelings, as it will help you rationalise what you feel. Allow yourself to cry but don't let yourself romanticise this 'missed connection', because it was never there in the first place. Your neurobiology has temporarily gone awry and taken control of your feelings, but this level of misery cannot and will not last.

[mortedeveles]

A Search at Midnight.

SUMMARY: Who knew that a ill and sleepwalking Present Mic, and a pair of lost glasses would be the start of your love story witth Tokoyami Fumikage?

PAIRING: Tokoyami Fumikage x gn!reader

THEME: fluff, pining, awkward teenagers <3 [ONE-SHOT] 

TW: I don’t think there’s anything? 

a/n: Please read! this is a personal and writing update. 

hey guys, i known i’ve been MIA for a while. school is kicking my ass majorly, i just got a C in one of my subjects (im usually a straight A student) :’) wishing i could attend therapy and focusing all my time on schoolwork and very little for myself, much less for writing. but ya know, life’s wack. old news. due to this, i can’t promise frequent content. i only have a few planned works that will be released. on another note, regarding my writing, i will be publishing about 2-3 drabbles in the upcoming weeks! i know my interaction is prob gon be low because i’ve been gone for a while ;; but please continue to support me if you enjoy my content <33 FANTASY WEEK has been postponed until further notice. however, we do have a new writing event coming up on late October! will release more information later on. 

sorry for the rant :( i think that’s all and without further ado, please like, reblog, follow and/or comment if you enjoy! supporting content creators is extremely important! love y’all <3 

(will be using banners made by ME from now on. do NOT REPOST. this one-shot is kinda over the place,, may have some inaccuracy with present mic’s quirk ;; also, this one-shot is shorter than usual, but i hope you enjoy!)

The loud blaring of sirens and shouts snap you awake. One moment, you were snuggling your pillow, silently asleep and the next you're scrambling to find your slippers, slapping your glasses on, and racing outside of your U.A Alliance dorm. 

You meet the eyes of your best friend Tokoyami, and rush to his side, eyes darting to observe your surroundings. The rest of class 1A  is in the same hallway as you, kids murmuring nervously. Everyone has messy bed hair and ratty sleep clothing. 

The sirens that shook you awake went silent and within a few seconds, tore into the silence with another screech. Everyone yelps and you flinch. 

''What is it?!'' Everyone begins to murmur and you find yourself clinging to Tokoyami's arm, nervous and half-asleep.

He's been your closest friend since you arrived at U.A. and the two of you share a mutual bond of trust. With just sharing a glance, the two of you know you have to stick together. 

''This is not a drill!'' Aizawa's voice booms- you're not sure from where it’s coming from, ''Class 1A, head to the exit!'' 

Even though your class consists of heroes in training, emphasis on the in-training part, you're still human and react with fear.

Sleep-deprived and overly hyper teens race past you, and while you cling to Tokoyami's side as the two of you rush forward, someone slaps your glasses off your face. It slightly stings.

You don't even register it, adrenaline is pumping through your veins and all you can focus on is reaching the exit of the dorms. The sirens are so loud your ears are straining at the sound. 

Eventually, everyone calms down and Iida, as the good class president he is, turns the chaotic mess of your class into organized students standing in rows.

Your class is standing in the green areas of the campus, the sirens had gone silent a while ago and everyone is fidgety and nervous. What had just happened?

''Alright, class 1A!'' he adjusts his glasses and acting on instinct, you raise your hand to touch yours, only to notice they're gone.  Iida continues talking but you block him out; focusing solely on finding your glasses. 

''No, no...'' you murmur, and Tokoyami notices when your hand releases his arm. He frowns and watches as you murmur to yourself and pat down your shirt and shorts. 

''Aizawa-sensei will be here shortly,'' you manage to catch a few of Iida's words. ''It seems that a...'' he falters. ''Present Mic is ill and is suffering a few symptoms. He's been affected by an unknown quirk, which causes him to release his sonic scream at any time.'' 

Everyone begins to murmur bewilderedly at this, sharing glances and looks. 

''That's right,'' Aizawa stepped out of the dorms and stood next to Iida. The night was dark and you could barely make out Aizawa's figure. 

''And Present Mic...'' he winced. ''Tends to sleepwalk. That's why you heard the sonic screams in your dorms. They're highly dangerous, which is why I ordered you all to leave the dorms and stay away from his range.

''Now,'' your sensei sighs and you realize how his posture was slumped. He was exhausted. ''You can all return to bed. Present Mic has been awoken and returned to the U.A. facilities.'' A classmate or two snickered at this. 

''Alright, you heard sensei!" Despite the time, Iida was rigid and instructive as ever. ''Off to bed! Class 1A, please form a line! Sero, please wrap up Mineta, we don't want any issues this early.'' Sero cheers in agreement and you smile as you hear Mineta shriek.

One you were in a line, in front of Tokoyami, you groan and lean back into him. There seemed to be some commotion upfront and the dorms were still closed.

''Tokoyami...'' you murmured nervously. He frowned in concern at your tone and leaned closer. 

''What's wrong, L/N?'' 

''I lost my glasses,'' you grimace. ''I was about to tell you earlier but I wanted to listen to Aizawa-sensei. Do you think you can help me find them once we step into the dorms?'' 

Tokoyami's body is screaming for sleep, but he knows he'll do anything for you. So he quickly nods.

''Of course,'' he spares a glance at the quickly advancing line. ''It seems that the dorms have been opened. We should head inside and find your glasses.'' 

''Yeah,'' you smile softly- the smile that always makes Tokoyami's heart skip a beat and walk at his side. ''Thanks, Toko. I really appreciate it.'' 

He hums in response, feeling his throat clench as his heart performs an acrobatic show in his ribcage. Tokoyami wonders if you notice how his heart goes euphoric every time you smile at him. 

 Once the two of you are inside the dorms, Tokoyami summons Dark Shadow; he was a bit fearful at the start, but the lighting of the dorms is far enough to keep Dark Shadow on reins. 

After minutes of searching and several grumbles of annoyance, the two of you find nothing. Well, the search was mainly of Tokoyami and Dark Shadow, since you weren't able to see much without your glasses. 

''Oh man...'' you sigh and slump your shoulders. ''I'm going to have to buy new glasses.'' 

Tokoyami frowns at your disappointment and his eyes catch a gleam of silver on the ground. ''Wait,'' he steps away and grabs the glasses off the floor. He grimaces as he presents them to you. They're cracked, twisted, and definitely not wearable anymore.

''Oh no...'' you frown as you hold them in your hands. 

Your sadness unsettles him; and before Tokoyami can even close his beak, a string of words escape them. 

''I'll help you.''

Slightly frightened, you flinch before looking at him. ''How? You don't have to pay for them Toko, they're my responsibility. I appreciate the thought, you're very sweet.'' 

He feels his feathers ruffle at your compliment and he's thankful you aren't wearing your glasses otherwise you'd see his flustered face.

''I-I,'' the boy clears his throat. ''Ahem. I can help you take your notes and so on until you receive a new pair of glasses.'' 

You gasp and grin gleefully. Your body is racing towards him before you can even blink and you wrap your arms around his back, squeezing him as you bury your cheek into his chest.

Tokoyami falters in surprise and nearly squawks- thankfully, he's able to shove it down his throat before he hesitantly returns your hug.

''Of course, Y/N. You are very dearest to me and I would do anything for you.'' God damn it! It seems that he can't control his body tonight! The romantic confession leaves his body and nearly takes his soul alongside.

His words make you freeze and he internally curses at himself, knowing he's ruined your friendship.

''...Really?'' your voice is barely higher than a whisper and Tokoyami finds himself slowly nodding. 

''I like you too, Tokoyami,'' there's a soft smile playing on your lips that makes his knees weak. 

''Well,'' he diverts his gaze from your smiling face. Tokoyami knows that if he stares for too long, he'll never be able to stop. ''That's-that's wonderful.'' 

You laugh quietly at his sudden bashfulness and tug his hand towards the dorm's elevator. 

''C'mon, we should head to sleep.'' Tokoyami feels impossibly happy as he walks with you, hand in hand, and shoulders brushing against each other. He doesn't think he's ever felt this happy before. 

And after the two of you step into the elevator and the doors are about to close, you press a soft but brief cheek on his feathery cheeks before returning your gaze to the floor. The doors slam shut with a ding! and the two of you are blushing impossibly hard.

Needless to say, losing your glasses is the best thing that's happened to both of you. Who knew that a pair of missing glasses would result in a romantic confession from your best friend? 

[calamityk8]

"My name is Barney Rolfe, and there is something wrong with my brain. I am admitting this to you with the full understanding and acknowledgement that what I am doing is absolutely not going to be fully understood; but perhaps in pieces it can reconcile the most fragmented and deranged parts of my psyche, or at least arrange them in a way that will relieve this incessant pressure that always haunts me. Whatever happens, well, at least I have tried to do something to explain this innate and incessant madness, which is more than most get a chance to do.

Okay, here goes.

Belatedly, I suppose, there were neurons misfiring to account for, some chemical mishap that perforce disengaged my social abilities to adapt and be of use to others. Panic and hysteria have ruled the contours of my experience for longer than this busted-up brain can recall. Looking back, well, I can gauge the horrific aspects of it, in the present. Of course hindsight’s a malignancy at this point. I have become this disease; it as all that I am: a sporadically hebetude-induced corollary on the razor’s edge of sanity’s rusty hook. Saying things like this doesn’t help. I know. It’s just hard to judge oneself from the outer limits of perspective’s gush and flow. Trapped in this insidious circle of discontent and maladjustment, I am oozing the sap of life’s lost lust.

I might have a way to put it, so let me.

Having severe systemic and constant depression and simply “being bummed” are two very distinct and different things. One is a disease; the other is just one of the myriad consequences of being alive. If someone has cancer you don’t tell them to, “buck up and get over it.” We don’t admonish a stroke victim to, “stop lying around, and get up and do something with yourself.” Even our advice for sufferers of the common cold is sympathetic, as cough-and-congestion victims aren’t told they are being “weak” or “soft” and should just “be happy because things could be a lot worse.” But, for some inane reason that is preconditioned into us by years of inhumane pseudoscience, diseases of the mind are linked to some weakness or lassitude of the individual, as if that person who is suffering from a disease such as depression or severe anxiety is somehow inept and is to be blamed for their troubles. As if it is within their control to get better by “just trying a bit harder at it.” It’s really a nonsensical viewpoint to take; but, alas, it is one of many such idiotic theories held by the masses.

Here — there is this too: you’ve got to fight this one alone. Other people can help you, but in the end it comes down to you fighting for your life all by your lonesome. This is a difficult thing to internalize, but once you do, in some wary way, a strand of hope will spring from this, as finagled and shoddy with trepidation as it may be. There will be a surge of selfhood guiding you, a reliance on the one person you can always count on: yourself. It is a scary thing, but like most scary things one finds as obstacles on the wayward path of one’s existence, extremely worthwhile to conquer. Just like any other terminal disease, depression kills; suicide is merely its mechanism.

This shouting in my head, it never seems to cease.

I am nervous and concise around others. I only laugh when it’s expected. Being alone has become my only comfort, though it too is getting to be unendurable. To guide me I take some small salvation in the long history of human endeavor to fight through the gnashing teeth of internal strife. According to Lecky’s History of European Morals, “A melancholy leading to desperation, and known to theologians under the name of ‘acedia,’ was not uncommon in monasteries, and most of the recorded instances of medieval suicides in Catholicism were by monks.” I dream through these trials and tribulations of ancients, attempting to stem the tide of my own demise with less troubling thoughts than the ones I’ve come to own: I am the angular distance of a star below the horizon; the dusty truth of eons of suffering through a terrible weight’s pressing down; sunken and lost; in old, forgotten times what they once called grevoushede. Grevoushede. Acedia. I breathe the words and balance the syllables on my tongue, unable to savor their taste or texture. I am a weightless pin pricked in the skein of an upside-down world I’ll never get close enough to know.

Who could ever fall in love with this raggedy bag of afflictions?

I trek through the ruins of my obsession, draped in sorrow’s mask, leaning on tiny tics and safe places to guide me. The cracking of my toes, one by one. Snapping all of my fingers back and forth. Clicking my tongue on the roof my mouth. Blinking an even number of times with one eye and then an odd number with the other. Popping my ears with my jaw. Smoothing my eyebrows down with my fingertips. An innumerable array of distractions that ease the arrhythmic pulse of thoughts that come but never go, blurring out my sight, and leaving me trembling, all filled-up with static but as empty inside as an ice cream shop in the freezing rain.

Woe is my middle name.

All of these little vacancies in my head surface and fill into the most chronic of all conditions. Possibilities go awry with suspicious and judgmental looks. Maybe I’ll put on some Dolly Parton and fall in love with a bookmark. These are thoughts that calm the deliriousness at it swarms. Exceptional circumstances to bow down to in this glut of terrors, this amassing of torturous routines: the bath mat must be lined up perfectly with the tiles, the showerhead at just the right angle, the curtain stretched just so, and the shower water, the god-damn shower water…always and forever just a touch too hot or too cold. The chores of being me, they never end.

The human senses can somehow even detect whether a television set is off or just on mute without looking. And everyone can tell the difference between boiling and room-temperature water being poured in much the same manner. But it is when these senses go astray, when they slip and frazzle and get pinched, that’s when one comes to know the real intensity of those senses’ powers. A daily trauma that haunts me wherever I go, my brain stuffed with the lint of leftover churning, dizzy and lopsided and playing alive, I ignore the impossibilities of being able to maintain a normal existence for as long as this sapped torpidity allows. The courage I need to muster just to leave my place and walk to get groceries is at most times an insurmountable obstacle, and so I stay in and worry and worry and worry about everything. Every object grows too precious to disturb as I put it on the pedestal of the postponed quenching of my desires. There is nothing I can do or think that will snap this spell of disenchantment that grips me tighter as it deepens this hole I am eternally residing in. Just making it home from the grocery store with a few shopping bags of food sometimes feels like the greatest accomplishment in the world. I should be doing other things with my time, I know: concentrating my efforts on more grand pleasures and goals. But these things of consequence, they are not for me. I lose so much more than I gain in these battles. Small, inconsequential, pyrrhic victories are the only ones I’ve known.

Hope is a bestial thing with daggers and fangs; I make up a thousand reasons to not have any of it bombard me as this disease attacks relentlessly. There are honestly times when I cannot even bring myself to lift a finger to scratch an itch. I’ve been prescribed a list of medications too long to register properly in the catacombs of my lingering doubt about the chemical cohesion of my wherewithal: Abilify, clomipramine, Lexapro, bupropion, Celexa, Cymbalta, Lithium, Xanax, Paxil, amitriptyline, Lamictal, and that grand old sturdy classic Prozac. Etcetetra. It seems that I am only etceteras: more and more of less and less. It’s all a wash. It was a messy chorus of boos from the cheap seats as I struggled through side effects and listened to the growing drone of a singularly horrible voice that wasn’t quite my own resounding in my skull: “You’re no good. You’re a lost cause. Stop whining; start winning. You’re no good. You are just no good,” over and over; nauseated at all times; woozy, delirious, insomnia-plagued and diarrhea-bound; garbling my words when forced to speak, fumbling through life like a doped-up zombie with no appetites, every little thing so impossibly far away.

The window washers will not sing for me. The faucets around here all look like dead swans. I sweep. I litter. I am unable to know for sure if anyone else ever feels the way I always do. I am ill with this ravenous beast that pesters and claws at and drapes itself over me, leaving me with the gumption of soon-to-be-roadkill sluggishly slouching across a busy highway. I yawn instead of moan. I burst into tears in the dark of crowded movie theaters just before the feature starts. I am normal. Really. I am sane — maybe even too much so. I do wish I could just go insane, but, sadly, I cannot quite contemplate how to accurately achieve this feat. My brain will not assuage nor relent with its ceaseless cracked and mangled disturbances.

The boring by-rote recitation of symptoms rattled off to every doctor who’d listen. They don’t know who I am, what I’ve suffered through, how I came to be this way that I am; and there’s no device by which I can properly explain it to them. It’s not like they can run a test, take some blood, or do a biopsy, and then figure out what’s wrong with me. It’s a hidden thing, deep within the walls of my pain, not on or off any scale they’ve ever invented. I am my own example. There are no answers to any of this. They used to take out parts of people’s brains, thinking it would relieve their suffering. But it just left folks lobotomized to a dull, vegetable state, unable to form words or dress themselves. Perhaps they were happy, though. Perhaps they were thankful for the big, empty space that now occupied what they’d formerly called living. Perhaps there was no person behind those dead eyes left to care. The disease wins yet again, as it always does.

Clinical diagnoses follow me with heavy clomps. “Heavy dysthymia with a robust anxiety level. Somatic cross-cutting, serious signs of high Altman-scale mania, repetitive and troubling thoughts bordering on multiple phobias and generalized panic. Personality Trait Facet Scores high on rigid perfectionism/grandiosity/anhedonia type, though scores lower across board than patient believes. Unusual and abnormal, but not psychotic at all.” As you can see, the weather inside my head is rather frightful, to say the least. I trudge through the murky terrain of my past with great regularity. I am muddy with it, soaked through from the storm of my memories, which are remembering themselves over and over and over again and again and again, until I do not rightly know what has happened or what is happening now. Who am I but this box of disturbing thoughts?

Madness in the family. A quirk in the genes being passed down just like Huntington’s or any other inherited affliction. This one’s just as deep in the bones, though not as noticeable, not as prominent in the makeup of one’s persona. My father was a brazen raver whose depression put the business end of a rifle under his chin to finally wreck its one final havoc on him as pulled the trigger in defeat; his father before him too came to an early funeral, though his disease’s weapons of choice were gasoline and matches, as he lay in immolation by the pumps of an empty gas station in the wee hours of his final night on earth. This dreary thing, it just goes and goes right on down the line. Shelter from it is inconstant at best. It is as if I am in hiding from my inheritance, from my own true self — a hibernation of sorts: falling in and out of a troubled sleep, groggy and drooling through another afternoon, I become obsessed with trifles. I organize the cups and plates on my shelves until they all perfectly line up. I become tempestuous at a single hair being out of place. I talk to myself constantly, mostly demeaning phrases and freshly coined derogatory slurs aimed at myself. I have been parked too long in my heart’s handicap spot. There is very little “me” left here to notice.

So, do not look at me lightly, with deferential judgement or pity’s hidden ire. My sorrows are so much smaller than you’d suppose. My shoes come untied just as much as yours do. I can be as brave and also as craven as most. I eat blackberries and put salted butter on my toast. There are no cures, only temporary stopgaps for relief of symptoms. I am not in control of the way that I feel. I will try. I do try. None of this is less than extremely difficult. I do not need nor crave your sympathy; I just want understanding. Perhaps, even after all this exegesis and other inexplicable explanatory notions are through, this is still too much to ask. In the end, casting aside whatever ideas anyone might get to having about me and my plight, I only return right back to where I began: my name is Barney Rolfe, and there is something wrong with my brain."