#some of it is just. very difficult to write unless i'm in the right mood for it

[spellmage]

Sweet butcher? 👀👀

hello sorry i'm getting to this like three days late but hiii !! @caridinscross also asked about this one :]]

this is the kressa multi-chapter fic i've been working on for far too long. i think it wants to eat me. putting it under a cut because uhh blood !!

A great red darkness surrounds you.  You have stared at the same spot of blood for what must be a lifetime. There is little light here, and what meagre beams shine through the pane of glass are as red as everything else you can see. It reflects dimly off the blood, makes it look alive in a way that you know it is not. The wetness of it is what gives it false-life, and you must keep it fresh. You need it to be fresh, for if it is not, then you are already dead. Your head slams against the glass, again and again, slow as the hand on a clock but just as steady as the chiming of bells you cannot quite remember the sound of. Your red trickles out of you, a steady stream, and your river, your garden, grows until tiny little cracks peek from beneath it. It is a shame to waste it, though you know its purpose here is more important than anything else could possibly use it for. Your restraint is admirable, though your blood weeps as it leaves you. If you had thirst, if you had no control, you might strain to lick it up as it runs down your cheek. You might press your tongue flat against the flesh-warmed glass. You might let it trickle down your throat. You might smile at the sweet-bitter taste of it. But you do not have thirst, and for now you have control in abundance, so you do not.

[justsomerandomfanfic]

Hi how are you? I love your writings❤️ Can I get a romantic matchup with LOTR, HOBBIT, Harry Potter, Marvel? I am 25. She/Her. I can match with a man or woman. I have short dark brown curly hair and hazel eyes. I have white skin, my height is around 1.65 and I'm curvy.

I'm generally introverted and cold-blooded. I'm stubborn. I'm generally pretty patient, but when I run out of patience I can get very grumpy. I'm a bit of a pessimist. I don't talk much outside unless necessary and prefer to observe. I am a good listener. To outsiders, I seem strict, distant and sometimes a little scary, but to those around me, I am very talkative, friendly, affectionate and fun. I'm also a good secret keeper, tell me anything and I'll take it to my grave. I am a faithful and loyal person. I'm a perfectionist. I always like to have everything orderly and under control, but sometimes it can be very challenging. I'm independent, I try not to get help for anything and I don't like to fit into certain stereotypes. I am always respectful and even interested in opposing views. I have a hard time voicing my opinions on anything, which can sometimes make me seem rude or disrespectful, but I really don't mean any harm. I'm a nerdy girl and I'm okay with that.✨️

I live in my own world. I love drawing, watching TV series and movies, and listening to music. I also love writing. I love learning new things about any subject. I love art, literature, philosophy, history and mythology. My favorite colors are black and green. I can listen to any genre of songs I like depending on my mood. But some of my Favorites are Diary of Dreams, The Gazette, The Neighbourhood, Chase Atlantic, One Republic, Marina and The Diamonds, Paris Paloma, Lana Del Rey, Billie Eilish, Hozier, Melanie Martinez, Mitski, AC/DC and Iron Maiden. My favorite TV series is Hannibal. I love thrillers, true crime, detective and mystery, fantasy and sci-fi. I think these are the things that come to my mind right now... thank you! I hope you have a good day❤️

Hi! I am so sorry that I got to this so late! I feel terrible! <3

But, I hope you like your matchups!

{Trying a different layout}

Romantic Matchup; LOTR, The Hobbit, Harry Potter, and Marvel

~~~

Lord Of The Rings;

Aragorn -

You met Aragorn at the very beginning, and despite being a lady, you were personally invited by Lord Elrond himself to join the meeting to see who would take the ring to Mordor.

You didn't really talk much, or at all, but you observed, being a good listener; though, as one by one spoke up, debating, your attention went straight to the mysterious, tall, dark, and handsome stranger whose voice you really liked - he was handsome, as said, and he was bringing up some good points.

Hands clasped together in your lap, you watched as people began to argue, and you were just a smidge annoyed.

Well, who knew you were going to become part of the Fellowship Of The Ring?

It was difficult at the beginning of the journey. Gimli and Boromir were pretty adamant that the journey was no place for a lady - far too dangerous, they said!

But Aragorn, you had learned his name, stood up for you, bringing up the fact that Lord Elrond himself asked you to join, that they should all trust his judgment.

Well, you showed them, on more than one occasion, that you were a wise and strong person.

Now, throughout the journey, you had slowly, slowly gotten used to the people around you. The Hobbits were easy to befriend, honestly.

But, at some point, you had grown comfortable in their presence, enough that you had grown to become more talkative and friendly.

Though, it was different with Aragorn. You didn't know if it was just you, but you thought that maybe there was something different in the way he spoke to you than he did with the others. Maybe it was just you...

Maybe...

Well, it turns out that Aragorn was quite taken with you, having caught his eyes the moment you joined the meeting in Rivendell; dressed beautifully, presence respectful, and eyes shimmering with a certain intelligence and strength that captured his interest almost instantly.

And his interest had only grown the more he got to meet you, get to know, and understand you; not only were you intelligent, respectful, strong, and understanding, but you were also loyal and independent - something Aragorn admired greatly.

As the journey continues, minus the orcs and whatever troubles you all run into, you and Aragorn's bond begins to grow the more you spend together.

From late nights of keeping watch sharing your favorite stories and books to recalling your favorite topics in history; there are even nights when you talk the night away about everything your heart desires, until you fall asleep, your head resting on his shoulder.

Aragorn didn't have the heart to wake you...

Despite you being an incredibly good fighter and defender, Aragorn always makes sure that you are alright after an attack from orcs or something. You do the same, your eyes at the end of a fight would search for each other, small faint smiles of relief on your faces.

In the end, Aragorn gives you the best room while you and the rest of the Fellowship stay in his kingdom after he is crowned king. Your room is one of the biggest, and close to his room, in case you need anything.

He makes sure that you have everything that you could possibly need. Someone to wait on you in case you need something, need help changing, a bath to be drawn, a snack, anything. And do not worry, you are not a burden. Aragorn would do anything for you.

Another thing; Aragorn gifts you lavish clothing, in green and black, that you are comfortable in. The sight of the new article always brings a smile to your face and a rush of blood to your cheeks. And, of course, he always compliments you when he sees you.

Whilst you stay, Aragorn often finds you in the library, reading, drawing, or just admiring the view outside - he often joins you, to talk, laugh, or just spend time in your amazing company.

Aragorn finally confesses his feelings and admiration for you after you.

"You have been my strength through every shadow and trial - my heart has long been yours, though I have been too much a fool to say it."

Well, let's just say, that you didn't end up leaving after that.

You and Aragorn work seamlessly together, both of you valuing independence and the quiet strength that comes with keeping order. Patience is a shared virtue, though he is perhaps more steadfast than yours.

Your friendly and affectionate nature balances his quiet reserve, while your stubborn loyalty earns his deepest respect.

Even in moments when your pessimism clouds your thoughts, he admires your unwavering commitment to those you care for, finding strength in the fire that drives you.

~~~

The Hobbit;

Thorin Oakenshield -

You had run into the Dwarves and one Hobbit when they were getting attacked by the spiders in Mirkwood.

You were heading to Mirkwood - Thorin thought that was suspicious - but instead of just letting them suffer through spiders, you helped them cut out of webs and stab spiders to death; you were truly skilled fighter, it was no wonder most of the Company wanted to keep you.

Though you were a bit hesitant and distant - you met up with them, fighting off orcs, jumping in an empty barrel, and holding onto Bilbo so he wouldn't drown.

As you were all racing down the raging river, you didn't know if you were having fun or not. More like worrying over the whole group and making sure after every small waterfall that you counted each Dwarf.

One, two, three, ah, okay, all accounted for, all alive...

Thorin, even though you helped him and his family/friends out of danger, he didn't really know what to think of you. His blue eyes would watch you, observing you, as you also observed your surrounding, whilst also listening to the Dwarves about their stories and adventures.

He didn't know what to think of you at the very moment, but he thanked you for your help, to himself.

But you had been able to bond with most of the other Dwarves, like Fili and Kili, which consisted of laughter, shared stories, and affectionate hugs.

And when Kili was in pain, though you worried and your mind thought only of the worst, you held his hand.

These actions made the King Under The Mountain reconsider you for a moment. Maybe there was something different about you.

That night, as you curled close to the fire that night before he and the rest of the Company - minus a few - left for Erebor, Thorin found a spare blanket and placed it upon your sleeping form.

And only after the defeat of Smaug, and after the war - and everyone surviving - did he finally realize that maybe the 'something different' about you was actually because you might've been his One; he just was too stubborn to truly see it.

This new realization hit him hard, and at first, the King was scared. He had wished that he had gotten to know you more, had spoken to you more.

Well, you were here now, partying with the rest - of men, dwarves, elves, and Hobbits alike. Maybe, this was his chance to push aside his stubbornness and brooding and speak to you.

He made his move, surprising you by asking you to join him for a drink, where he gave you a goblet of red wine. And for the next hour or so, you spoke among yourselves, on the sidelines of the raging party. *Disco music.*

There, you and Thorin spoke about the music, your favorite instruments, books your loved to read, and more. All the while, you didn't seem to notice the way Thorin's eyes softened as you rambled slightly.

At the end of the first night of many more nights of partying and celebrating the return of their home, Thorin finally spoke up.

"You have fought beside me with a courage that humbles even a king - I would wish it that you stay here in Erebor a while longer, so I may properly show my gratitude."

It is while you are staying longer in Erebor that he finally reveals to you that you are his One.

To keep a long story short, all while courting, you and Thorin would sit by the fire and read quietly together, take walks through Erebor's halls, write sweet letters to each other, and Thorin would braid a piece of your hair, clasping it with his homemade, one-of-a-kind bead.

You and Thorin share a bond forged in mutual respect and quiet understanding.

He admires your love for reading and thirst for knowledge, seeing it as a strength that complements his vision for Erebor.

Even your perfectionist tendencies, though sometimes a point of contention, earn his respect - he sees in you someone who strives for greatness, much like himself.

Your unwavering support has become a pillar he relies on.

~~~

Harry Potter;

Remus Lupin -

You and Remus first met at Hogwarts as students, though your friendship didn’t blossom immediately.

You were a quiet, observant presence, often keeping to yourself. He was aware of you from a distance, admiring your calm, controlled demeanor, which differed from his more lighthearted friends.

It was a nice different.

Although you were distant from new and strange people, your shared classes often brought you together.

You both preferred studying in quiet corners of the library, where Remus noticed how you worked meticulously, seeing how much you loved to learn not only from books but also from lessons.

Finally, after you had both gotten use to each other, you began studying together in the library.

You even started correcting his notes.

When Sirius and James found out about that, they teased him.

Over time, you became close enough for him to see the softer, affectionate side you reserved for those you trusted.

You’d often listen patiently as he confided in you, especially during stressful times.

Full moon times. It had taken him a year and a half to tell you he was a werewolf, and he was incredibly nervous that you would tell everyone or just not be his friend anymore.

He was scared that you would look at him in disgust.

He would miss your hugs as hellos in the mornings, he would miss the peaceful conversations regarding your interests.

He would miss the way your face would light up at the mention of your favorite muggle movies or show, or how you would ramble beautifully on and on about myths and philosophy. He wouldn't dare stop you.

He loved the sound of your voice.

He was a bit of a pessimist himself.

Surprisingly, and to his shock, he found great comfort in your reaction. When he finally gathered the courage to tell you his secret, his heart raced, waiting for the look of disgust he feared you’d give him.

But instead, you remained calm, simply listening, your eyes thoughtful yet soft. You placed a hand on his, a simple gesture that spoke volumes, steadying him as you always had in the quiet way that had drawn him to you from the start.

“You’re still Remus." You had told him. “The rest doesn’t change who you are.”

Years after graduation, you both found yourselves back at Hogwarts, now as professors.

Remus was pleasantly surprised to see you again, finding it easy to pick up where you two had left off.

Your no-nonsense attitude and perfectionism made you a strict professor, yet students respected you for your dedication and fairness. And also quite enjoyed that you would give them little treats and snacks after long quizzes or tests.

Remus often visited your office to chat after classes. You’d sometimes scold him for his relaxed teaching style, though he found it endearing.

Despite your -sometimes - grumpy demeanor, you cared deeply, which he always noticed in the way you’d subtly check on his health and workload.

Especially when the full moons were around the bend.

Remus would find chocolate on his desk in DADA.

And you'd find books on your favorite topics on yours.

After long days of teaching, you and Remus would often sit by the fire in his quarters or yours, sharing tea or hot chocolate. The two of you would talk about myths, Muggle literature, and your favorite Muggle music, losing track of time until the early hours of the morning.

It reminded you of how you and Remus would sit in the Common Room studying until the wee hours of the morning.

He loved the way you spoke passionately about the things that you were interested in, and he’d always encouraged you to keep talking, no matter how tired he was.

You’d both spend hours in the library or his office, quietly reading together. He’d occasionally glance up from his book to watch you, marveling at how beautiful you looked when lost in thought. When you found an interesting passage, you’d excitedly share it with him, and he’d always listen intently.

Adding onto the topic of full moons; on the nights leading up to the full moon, you’d make sure he had everything he needed. You’d sit with him if he was feeling anxious. After the full moon, you’d bring him breakfast and sit with him while he rested, healing, reading aloud from his favorite books, or telling him stories to help him relax.

On particularly difficult days, you’d end up falling asleep together on the couch in either of your quarters, surrounded by books and papers for grading. He’d wake up first, brushing a strand of hair from your face, marveling at how peaceful you looked.

Those quiet moments reminded him just how much he loved you and how lucky he felt to have you by his side.

You and Remus are great together because you balance each other out perfectly - his calm, steady nature complements your quiet strength, while your loyalty and understanding provide him with the comfort and support he needs.

Together, you share a deep, unspoken bond, rooted in mutual respect, affection, and a quiet love that grows stronger with each and every passing day.

~~~

Marvel;

Natasha Romanoff -

As Avengers, you and Natasha work seamlessly together. Ever since the beginning, when she wasn't on solo missions or with Clint, you were with her.

Your cold-blooded efficiency in battle complements her own calculated and lethal style.

You’re both perfectionists who thrive on order and control, often planning out every detail of a mission to ensure success. While you can be distant or strict with new recruits, Natasha sees through your tough exterior and knows that beneath it lies a fiercely loyal and caring partner.

You're not one to speak much during operations, preferring to observe and stay silent, but Natasha appreciates the way you always anticipate the next move.

You’re skilled in hand-to-hand combat, just as skilled with weapons.

You’re not just observant on the battlefield but a force to be reckoned with. You’ve honed your combat skills, and even Natasha, with all her experience, finds herself impressed.

She often asks to spar with you, in which it often ends in a tie or the both of you winning the same amount of times.

Away from the chaos of the battlefield, you might not be as expressive or outgoing as some of the other Avengers, in the beginning. It takes you a bit to open up, but when you do, you have become friends with all of them.

You are talkative, laughing along, having fun with them; along with being affectionate, joking punches to the arm, or hugs goodbye.

However, when not spending time with the team, a quiet night spent watching movies or reading is how you like to spend your nights. Unless you are dragged to one of Tony's parties.

Natasha being similar to you, needs time to really get to know you, see what makes you tic, before she can truly let herself be vulnerable around you. And you have proven to her that you were worthy enough, and trustful enough for her to break out of her own shell.

She finds herself finding you around the tower, joining you in the kitchen to grab a snack, or even joining in when you put on your favorite show; Hannibal.

This friendly bonding becomes more and more often, almost weekly you and Natasha find yourselves spending more time together, even time with just the two of you.

The more you spent together, the more the bond between the two of you began to bloom into something more, something beautiful.

"You know... I think I trust you more than anyone else." She would speak up randomly as you both sat against the headboard of your bed, watching your favorite movie.

"Even Stark?" You would ask.

"Yeah, even him." She would reply, her smile matching yours.

Before you knew it, everything would shift.

From small, gentle brushes of the fingers as either pass by or a rare, soft smile just for each other... It was obvious that there was something happening between you two.

On lazy days - not really, the both of you end up in the gym sparring most lazy days - but if you aren't in the gym; pushing for each other to be better, you and Nat would sit in quieter corners of the tower, away from the hustle of the others.

She'd sit beside you as you read, her hand resting on your leg or her head resting on your shoulder. She would sit and listen to you read, or when you weren't reading aloud, she would rest her eyes, maybe even nap; the soft sound of Paris Paloma and Lana del Rey in the background

As a couple, Natasha respects your boundaries and your need for space, but when she needs you, you’re always there— - strong and reliable. In return, she supports you, offering her own quiet form of affection.

You’re never truly alone.

You balance each other, and neither you nor Nat would have it any other way.

[bishops-of-the-old-faith]

Not a question for the bishops, but to the mods themselves- I'm writing a story inspired by this blog, and I'm kinda trying to get references for each of the bishops' personalities and their mannerisms. It has been easy for three of the siblings, but two have always slipped past me, Shamura and Narinder. To fix this, I'm asking you amazing people for reference :D How would you summarize Shamura and Narinder's personalities and character?

shamura is overworked but tries to be organized about it, everything has to be scheduled, everything needs to be planned meticulously. they often think about every branch of everything-- what goes right and wrong, as a "just in case." it is stressful, but they are great at masking their emotions, appearing always quiet yet calm and confident, knowig what to do about everything. this can be to their detriment, as others do not know if something is wrong, or if they do, shamura is quick to dismiss them, believing they are entirely self-sufficient, as they had been for millennia. as an older sibling they offer advice and act as a mentor. they can feel emotionally distant, they do their best to pay attention to their siblings' needs, admist everything else they need to pay attention to, and offer small bits of time or small gifts for comfort. though shamura can snap, get incredibly angry, petty, or afraid, and the logical part of them, and the "always calm" demanor can quickly give way into a fast, furious, feral fury. shamura tries very hard to not get to that point but. everyone has a limit, no matter how hard they try to push it. the future has many possibilities, and shamura may attempt to plan for it all, to see it all, there are some things forever frustratingly out of their grasp

narinder is laid back, a very "i dont care" kind of attitude, because to a degree, he doesn't. he'll never die, and to a degree, he knows just how strong he is. death is all-encompasing, everything will eventually reach it. he often gets what he wants, because it can never escape him. and he has eternity to achive it. he is patient, because he is used to waiting, but still, he can be playfully impatient, a sort of outlet to a desire to speed things up. to his siblings, he is playful, and a little bit of a jerk, but he can lighten their moods and distract them from their worries for as long as they need him at that moment. but he feels different-- the rest of his siblings deal in flux, giving or taking, but death does not give by itself (it does eventually, with time), it only takes in the moment. this difference can make it difficult to understand the rest of his siblings and their domains, not to mention the isolation of his realm-- nobody can really visit unless they're dead-- it all makes him worried. he is worried that his siblings may not like him, or are afraid of him. he cares so much for them, he can only hope for the same in return. but his powers are ever-growing, he learns a new way to use them every day, to take a little bit more. for now he feels at ease, one with his fellow bishops, but in order for chaos, famine, pestilence, and war to be dangerous... they need death

[irkimatsu]

I saw another person ask about this for someone else for husk dating Alastor's sister

Your writing is so good I'd love u see ur take on it

First off, fun fact, Alastor's an only child! (Source!) I know things can change over years in show development, but it's something I'll take as canon unless proven otherwise, and I'm a real stickler for canon. So, while I didn't write about a sister by blood, I decided to give him a childhood friend who views him as a brother.

Maybe that view is too rosy for her to see what kind of person Alastor really is and always has been... that's going to make things difficult for Husk...

Third-person; sorry if you wanted reader-insert, I wasn't sure! I wanted to give the sister more detail than I typically give reader-inserts anyway. Kind of Husk/OC, but more for establishing that a relationship like this is going to be rocky as hell. SFW. About 1.5k words.

Her name was Clara.

Husk didn’t believe in love at first sight - that was a fairy tale he left behind long ago, along with all his other dreams from when he was young and stupid. Still, even if he wouldn’t call it love right away, something about her struck his interest the instant she walked into the hotel and sat at his bar. She was a short, black bear demon, her soft facial features reminiscent of a teddy bear. She wore a green floral dress, and had the heart of a charming Southern belle. Her bright smile and light voice even made Husk almost not care when she scolded him for swearing for the twentieth time. She’d only been here for about an hour, and already Husk was looking forward to how things would progress over her stay…

…and then Alastor showed up.

“Clara, my dear, it’s been ages! How has my darling little sister been?”

She happily ran into Alastor’s arms and accepted some affectionate scritches on the head from him, and Husk had no idea what to make of the situation.

Further conversation revealed that she wasn’t really his sister, not by blood, but their bond during life was no weaker for it. She was about five years younger than Alastor in life, though she’d died over a decade after Alastor had. She’d often jokingly comment that she was technically the older sibling now, but as Alastor always insisted, “once a little sister, always a little sister!” In their youth, she had tagged along with him for woodland excursions for as long as she could remember. He was always happy to have her along for the ride and teach her everything he knew about outdoor survival. 

Husk couldn’t help but notice that Alastor never brought up certain other activities from his life whenever Clara was in listening distance.

God, Husk hated the way he’d steal her attention. He’d be having a nice chat with her, managing to forget exactly who she was, only for Alastor to butt in and ruin the mood. As they reminisced about living experiences that Husk had no input for, he couldn’t help but wonder if Alastor was trying to distance them on purpose.

Was it to punish Husk, or to protect his reputation from Clara?

Whatever the reason, Husk’s eventual solution was to start meeting Clara in her room. Not for any inappropriate reasons, he insisted to a scandalized Charlie and an intrigued Angel; he simply knew Alastor’s manners wouldn’t let him burst into his own “sister’s” room unwanted, granting them some privacy as long as Alastor had no suspicions of whatever they spoke about.

Husk promised him to keep certain things secret. Alastor’s leash on him forced him to make that promise loudly and clearly.

Why would he want to spend his time talking about Alastor, anyway? He got enough of that asshole in his daily life. He just wanted someone to talk to about music and films from his time period and to share opinions on food and drink with. She was a very cultured woman, and could follow a conversation about anything Husk could imagine; if she didn’t know something, her curious mind knew which questions to ask to keep the topic interesting. The hours melted away whenever Husk got a moment uninterrupted with her.

Over time, maybe he did consider taking things a little further. To take her hand and invite her to dance, to kiss her at the perfect moment over the swelling strings of a strategically chosen song…

But before he could ever make that happen, a subject couldn’t be avoided anymore.

“Why do you put up with Alastor?”

Husk’s question was sudden, breaking a brief silence before Clara could cover it with more interesting but overall irrelevant conversation. He lazily swirled his glass of whiskey as he spoke, a glass he so desperately needed right then after another argument with his “owner” had gone poorly.

“What are you talking about?” Clara asked. “I’ve known him for almost all my life. He’s practically my brother. Why wouldn’t I want to ‘put up’ with him?”

“I’m sure you’ve heard the stories of what he’s been up to since he got here?” Husk asked before gulping down his glass and topping it off again.

“...okay, well…” Clara said, laughing nervously. “I know he’s built up a bit of a… reputation down here…”

“And you’ve seen how he treats me.” No, she hadn’t seen the worst of it; as far as Clara knew, Alastor’s comments about keeping his pet Husker on a leash were purely metaphorical. But she’d heard all the condescending nicknames, seen all the condescending touches that Husk would growl and pull away from. Husk’s disdain for the man wasn’t exactly subtle.

“Oh, he teases everyone,” Clara said, laughing and waving away Husk’s concern. “You just gotta grow a thick skin!”

Husk growled. “You saying I’m thin skinned?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that-”

Husk huffed before draining another glass of whiskey as quickly as he could pour it. “Did he ever tell you about how he died?”

“Why would he need to tell me?” Clara asked. “I was alive when it happened. A hunter saw him in the woods, thought he was a deer, and shot him. The hunter ran back to town to get the police, they found his body right where the hunter said, and the whole thing was wrapped up as a tragic accident. What else is there to know?”

“Did he ever tell you why he was in those woods that day?” Husk pressed further.

“He never needed a reason. He always loved those woods, ever since we were kids. Knew them inside out. Knew all the places to hide, whether he wanted to hide himself or bury a treasure.”

Husk couldn’t help but scoff at how far this was going over her head. “He’s told me what he was doing in the woods that day plenty of times. Sounds real damn proud of it every time, too.” Another chug of whiskey; his brain was starting to shut down, and good for it. “Someone oughta dig that place up if they haven’t already…”

“...I don’t understand…” Clara’s voice trembled enough to make Husk wonder if she understood more than she wanted to admit.

“If it came to it, and you had to choose. Who would it be?” Husk asked.

“Huh?”

“Me or Alastor?”

“Why would I have to choose? I care about Alastor, but he may as well be my brother, and even if he wasn’t he’s never cared about relationships anyway. But you, Husk…” Clara smiled, her damned gentle smile, as she rested her paw over Husk’s. “You mean something different to me. Something special…”

Husk’s heart thumped against his own judgment as her soft, warm paw closed around his own. “I was actually thinking that maybe we could… if you were interested…” Her coy act was so rehearsed, but in different circumstances, it may have won Husk over.

These were not those circumstances. He growled as he yanked his hand away. “No. Not if being with you means I have to keep putting up with that fuckhead.”

“If you really care about me, then why can’t you accept someone who’s so important to me, who I’ve had since I was alive?” Clara asks. Husk was too drunk to decide whether or not the tears in her eyes were genuine or not.

He truly wished he could care more, but without the whiskey doing its job at numbing his emotions, this conversation might have turned even uglier than it already had.

“There’s a lot he’s keeping from you, Clara, and I’m pretty sure you know more than he realizes you do. And until you can come to terms with who that bastard really is, this ain’t gonna work between us.”

“Husk…” she pleaded, gazing at him with dark, tear-filled eyes. “Please… please understand my situation… no matter what he’s done, you can’t really expect me to let go of someone who’s taken care of me for so long…”

“And you can’t expect me to forgive someone who’s been treating me as badly as he has for so long.” Husk went to pour himself another drink, but found to his irritation that the bottle was empty. “Fuck it. I’m going back to the bar.” He moved to stand up from her bed, but with those eyes still transfixed on him, he found it difficult to move.

…fuck. Fine. Just one more thing.

“Before I go…” He rested a paw on Clara’s cheek, and slowly leaned in for a kiss. She accepted his mouth on hers, firmly holding still for a few seconds before he pulled back. She tried to place her paws on the back of his head and pull him back in for more, but he resisted and finally stood up.

“If you want me to do that again, then figure shit out.” With that, Husk was gone from the room, headed back to the bar in the hopes that he could drink her taste out of his memory.

[tavina-writes]

Have you any suggestions for someone who has started recently (few months ago) to publish fics on ao3 and doesn't get a lot of hits/kudos? I feel a little down and insecure, and I don't know if it's my writing the problem or the fact that the pair is not the main and not liked much

Hi Nonny!

This is a difficult conflict to have with yourself, and I'm sure that like, you've seen all the posts about how like "you should be self indulgent! you should write for yourself! who cares about engagement!" and this both is and isn't true. But also even if you think it is true and you'd like to get some of that energy it's very difficult and for that sending you so many hugs. It is very normal to feel insecure about sharing something you've made, and I think writers of all levels of experience and "engagement" feel down about themselves like this in cycles.

idk if I'm qualified to say a ton on this topic, but I've seen lots of "unhealthy relationship to stats page" and could tell real stories about horrible things that have happened so I guess here goes nothing?

A few things to keep in mind:

what do you consider "not a lot" ? 10? 100? 1000? One of the major problems of focusing overtly on hits/kudos/comments/and other things you can't change is that inevitably if you achieve the "number of your dreams" you will....get a new number that you want. It will be bigger. Chasing this type of external numbers based validation to the exclusion of other stuff is very difficult because it is one of those sliding slope black holes to never being satisfied with what is currently going on. This is my primary thought on why focusing on stats isn't very good: it's very easy to get into a never ending cycle of never being happy.

as someone who's written for several years: we're coming up on the winter holidays, end of the semester, winter break type time period in many parts of the world but esp for northern hemisphere english speaking fandom, so if you're seeing a decrease in hits/kudos/comments/the feeling that someone out there is reading your work in general, this could play a big role. If you've only been publishing for the last few months the first time this happens can be really jarring! But it has nothing to do with the quality of your writing or if people are interested in reading and everything to do with brickspace taking up a lot of time right now. (I imagine this might also be true for Chinese speaking fandom around New Years, but I can't say since I don't engage there very often to notice trends.)

Depending on the fandom, (which, unless you, like me, are into Naruto which seems to thrive on niche AUs from now until forever), main pairings/fandom popular juggernauts will always get more people reading than a rarepair. That doesn't mean the people who write for rarepairs are doing a bad job or that writing for a rarepair isn't rewarding to the writer in other ways, but that may mean modulating expectations on like "how many people will click on my work?" and "how much feedback will I get?"

So overall, I feel like there's a combination of factors here for why you might be feeling down, but there are ways to help with this!

For one: talking about your writing and your work and what you're doing! This, I've found, is a great way to make friends. (also to anyone who says that this is obnoxious and attention seeking, this is the attention seeking webbed site, if you don't want attention why are you here????)

For two: locate friends and yell your thoughts at them <- I have found this to be 100% a mood picker upper when it comes to "am I doing a good job at writing?"

For three: find what makes you really happy about your own writing! This doesn't mean that you have to seek to improve your writing, but just, stuff that you enjoy, a line you really like, a relationship you enjoyed, a fic you thought was nice, and be kind to yourself about it.

Again, sending you hugs nonny! I hope some of this helps!

[apoptoses]

♡ + Armand/Marius?

It took me a minute to answer these because I wanted to answer in detail. And they’re sweet questions, so here’s some sweet answers ♥

•Who’s the most affectionate?

In Venice? Armand. It's a wonder Marius ever got anything done with him slinking around, always trying to sneak a cuddle or a kiss. He was like the cat that manages to work its way into your lap no matter how much you twist around and try to put your laptop in the way. Marius could hunch over his desk with his journal and Armand would still find a way to drape himself over his back until he could no longer be ignored.

Modern day? Marius. The man's got some making up to do and it's high time Armand get pursued.

•Who initiates the handholding?

At home it's 50/50. In public I always picture Armand as someone who holds onto his partner's elbow, which is a suitably dignified level of PDA for Marius and also means if Armand is in a mood he can subtly drag him around by the arm with no one the wiser about who's leading who.

•Who worries more for the other?

Marius absolutely worries himself into knots about Armand, he just has such a difficult time showing it. I don't believe that a single day went by in between the kidnapping and the reunion in QotD that he wasn't worrying. It was just that he pushed those thoughts down inside himself and tried to bury them.

•Who is more likely to ask for help?

Unless the threat of death is imminent? Neither of them. Though in a less serious way, I see Armand using needing 'help' as a bid for attention 'Help me open this jar', 'help me wash my back', 'help me get dressed'. With all of those laces on 15th century clothes? You better believe Armand pestered Marius to 'help' him tie up his hose and in doing so got what he really wanted, and ended up stripped out of them.

•Who is the one always losing the keys?

God, both of them. They both have tendencies to collect stuff and hyperfocus, and we all know what that does to a person when it comes to keeping track of little items. Thank god for their immortal gifts rendering keys unnecessary.

•Who leaves little love notes for the other?

I like to think that Marius, upon learning how his fatalistic commentary in his journal wounded Armand, decided to correct course by writing kind things about him and leaving them around where he knew Armand could see. Maybe apologizing in words is difficult, but leaving his journal open to a page where he describes Armand's lovely eyes? That's not so hard at all.

•Who can’t sleep unless the other is there?

Armand. As a mortal his body just knew when Marius had left, and he would jerk out of his sleep and find the bed empty. It would take him ages to fall back asleep, tossing and turning the whole time. Perhaps on that very first night of immortality he climbed willingly into his own coffin. But after that? Just before sunrise he would sneak back out and open the coffin beside his, and climb in beside Marius to let sleep take them both.

•Who is more likely to propose to the other?

I'm not sure they're the proposing type- they both have so many other relationships. But I totally see Armand remembering the diamond ring Marius gave him, the one he described as having the white light of god. And once they've properly made up and smoothed things out between them for good he would seek out a similar matching set so that Marius, like his other loves, has a ring with a gemstone that goes with one of his.

•Who introduced the other to their family first?

Well, we have this answer in canon, don't we? I wonder though, if Armand wishes that instead of standing in the shadows Marius would have spoken to his family with him. He got to see them all for one last time but they never knew who the man with him was. He never could have told them the full details of their relationship, of course- but it's bittersweet that Marius was right there the whole time watching them.

•Who is more likely to play with the other’s hair?

Oh, it's 50/50. Armand had the nicest perfumed hair in Venice from Marius taking him into that big bathtub and washing his hair for him as often as he could. And then later when they were lying in bed Armand was fascinated by how long and pale blond Marius's hair was, silkier than even Bianca's. He'd have his fingers tangled in it as he fell asleep and Marius would have to gently pry them out so he could get out of bed every morning.

•Who makes sure the other has meals/stays hydrated?

In the past? Marius would ply mortal Armand with food and keep their cooks working into the night, for if he had a whim to feed him honey and figs at midnight he was going to do it. It was a special pleasure watching Armand eat, because he was always so fascinated by the exotic things Marius managed to have imported into Venice for him to try. And then later, when Armand was immortal- watching him feed then was a special pleasure too.

Now? With his lapses into focusing too hard on painting or on his work at court, Armand is compelled to check in on him. He has a smart mouthed way of hassling him to get his nose out of a book and get out in the city that's so reminiscent of young Amadeo that Marius can't help but shake his head and do as he's asked.

•Who is more likely to stand up to anyone for the other?

Oh man, what question considering their history lol I think they both know they're capable of fighting their own battles but if anyone stepped to Armand in a dangerous way Marius would be there, hoping to make up for his past failures by protecting him this time.

•Who is the most likely to prepare a surprise for the other?

In TVA Armand mentions the boys preparing things to read or music to play when Marius came home and I think he was instrumental in organizing some of that. He would pick the readings or the music for the night, or if he was feeling feisty he'd put together a little fencing tournament with the boys to surprise Marius and Bianca together.

And then in the modern day, when Armand picks up art again- he would surprise Marius with that, and leave one of his first paintings in half a millennia in his rooms as a gift for him.

•Who makes the other pinky promise not to do certain things?

Armand does it, specifically for the dry look he gets when, in front of the entire court, he makes Marius pinky promise to let this meeting end on time and not sit there asking Lestat questions that they all know Marius will ignore the answer to anyways.

•Who puts a blanket over the other when they fall asleep on the couch?

Marius. It's a habit he developed when Armand was mortal and more affected by temperature. He'd drift off on the bed and, unwilling to wake him and make him get under the covers, Marius would get one of his silk velvet cloaks out to cover him with. It's the same now if he passes the sofa and sees Armand has drifted off with a book. He finds the nearest throw blanket and tucks it around him.

[alexanderwales]

hy Mr. Welles love your work there an inspration here are some questions I have been meaning to ask sorry if these are too many btw

1.what ar your favorites superman stories if that's okay to ask.

2. uh have you read the Gothamite fic which is a para/internal to your fanfic here it is in case you haven't read it https://the Gothamite.net .

3. How has life been going for you in general.

4. what is your favorite piece of media.

5.what is your favorite marvel character and did you ever plan on making a rational fic for a marvel superhero.

6. speaking of fics what is your favorite Superman fic since you have made one yourself mine Gettine Eating Alive by tandrelmairon and Dc the Golden Age of heroes by Komradekgbeast.

9. what has been your favorite story to write.

10. what are your thought on the Jewish aspect of superman do you thinks it under utilized or dont care about it or what.

11. what are stories you want to write some day.

and that's it love your work Alexander wells just keep on writing your stories are beutifual and amazing have a nice day.

On a plane right now, so you've caught me at a good moment:

I'm a huge fan of Superman: Red Son and Superman: Secret Identity. Generally I like stories that examine Superman as a powerful entity who needs to figure things out, and especially those that have some kind of Superman/Clark tension. I also like Lois Lane a lot, and the brash reporter archetype generally.

I have not read it, no. I generally don't enjoy reading fanfic of my stuff, though I'm happy that it exists, because it means people are getting something from the work.

Life has been fine. Just getting back from a convention where there was a ton of social stuff, and I am very drained, but also missing my wife. I also have piles of work to do right now.

Uh ... that's too broad. Favorite game is The Witness, favorite movie is Primer, favorite book is The Time Traveler's Wife, favorite painting is Birth of Venus (Bouguereau, not Boticelli), favorite comic is Calvin and Hobbes, favorite TV show is The Good Place (minus the ending), favorite song changes a lot, but is currently Father of Mine. All answers subject to change on the basis of mood, but none of those are going to drop out of the top ten.

Favorite Marvel character is difficult, but I guess I would say The Hulk because he seems really thematically rich. I am planning to write a movie script for Multiple Man this year, it's one of my New Year's Resolutions. No fanfic writing planned at the moment, unless someone from Marvel or DC gets in touch with me, in which case it's not technically fanfic.

It's been years since I've read any Superman fanfic, so I have to punt on this one, sorry.

Favorite story to write is probably one of the shorts, since they're usually finished in a single frantic sitting. Eager Readers in Your Area or Instruments of Destruction.

So far as I understand it, most of the Jewish stuff comes from the Kryptonian religion stuff, which is just ... not that interesting to me? Superman was canonically raised either Lutheran or Methodist or something. I think if you wanted to examine it, having it be a parallel to someone who comes to their chosen religion late in life might be ... interesting? But I was raised Mennonite, not Jewish, so maybe I'm uninterested because I know there would be a ton of research to do if I wanted to write it, and if I was reading it, there's a lot that would go over my head. I think "Superman as immigrant" is much more fertile ground.

I've got a very long list of things that I want to write. The next one is Doomsday Pivot, a system apocalypse type thing that I'm editing up right now. But there are more ideas than I have time to write.

Sorry if the numbering got messed up.

[esmiara]

HIII YOUR ART IS SO COOL I HAVE A LITTLE QUESTION FOR A COOLER PERSON!!! How do you come up with the scenarios for your drawings?? Im in a bit of an artblock *sobs*

Thank youu!! 🤲❤️

I'm used to brainstorm a lot so it's usually very easy for me to come up with something. It can start basic then get more complicated, from "plant" to "old cyberpunk sunpowered greenhouse" (actually this one is kind of cool...). For example, I could look at a plant or a biscuit and go "how would it taste like if Dazai put salt instead of sugar if he were to try and cook some? Would it be on purpose? Maybe." or "this reminds me of a café! Oh they could go to one" or again "such a cute little plant, would this be a hassle to take care of it? Probably not. Wait what if Chuuya wasn't used to take care of plants... would he be the type to mysteriously kill a cactus in a week?" and here I am already rambling and thinking bahahah

Basically, i'm not really judgemental when thoughts come up at first so it leads to many other thoughts and so on. I know the "that reminds me of-" line is generally seen as negative but if you keep it to yourself, it can help you link thoughts together and brainstorm (btw I don't mind at all this sort of thing unless it is used as mean mockery, it usually even teach me things so that's fun) You don't have to put everything on paper, finish every drawing idea and you don't have to show everything either (in fact you only see a fraction of what I draw daily). Ideas are simply that: ideas. This is the kind of things to say that I think is always important, it makes me feel better when drawing becomes stressful.

I don't know you personally (I mean... you're even an anon after all) so I won't assume anything when it comes to the very source of your artblock. Just know that you are able to draw what you want to draw and nothing has to become a timeless masterpiece. You can draw and throw the paper right after or draw the same thing for the fifth time just because you like that one scene, that's fine. That white piece of paper isn't your enemy, it is a friend that helps you breath some life to what's on your own mind.

That being said uh- go listen to some music, watch movies, read something or do anything else that can inspire you or get you in a good mood to fuel your ideas. If it's still difficult to think of anything, try prompts generators! They're very useful to come up with something unusual. Or try drawing some memes, it's a very fun way to draw sillies with no pressure. Oh I'm mostly talking about drawing but everything can be applied to writing as well. Just make it a fun process overall and it'll be easier!

[citrinediamondeyes]

Thanks for the tag, @casdeans-pie and @amynchan!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

34!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

178,024, lol. I'm a pretty... succinct writer.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I've written for Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, Miraculous Ladybug, Howl's Moving Castle, Spy X Family, and Harry Potter in the past. The majority of my fics are for My Hero Academia. Currently, I've been writing for the Legend of Zelda fandom. I really just follow where my muse takes me.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The Beginning of Happily Ever After (203 kudos)

Bubbly (188 kudos)

Stay with Me (168 kudos)

Kiss From a Rose (145 kudos)

Countdown (140 kudos)

My fics don't normally get a lot of interaction, lol.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always!! I want to let them know how much I appreciate them taking the time to read and share their thoughts. :)

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably Bitterness, hehe. Either that or Introspection.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

It depends. I've written a LOT of fluff. I think the one with the most hopeful ending is probably Butter Pecan. My fluffiest work is probably Bubbly.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not really (hoping this doesn't jinx it, lol). I've gotten some "UPDATE NOW" comments which aren't the greatest, but nothing outright rude.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes! I have a few WIPs right now. I like "porn with plot" and super romantic stuff, so I try to write that. It's hard for me to write just a smut scene with barely any context.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Not really. I've written the MHA characters in the FMAB world, but that isn't a true crossover.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Thank god, not yet. I hope to never have that happen. I hate confrontation.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nah, but that's okay. If someone wanted to, I'd be honored.

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Yes! I used to co-write stories with my sister all the time! It was such a great writing process, honestly, to be able to bounce ideas off of someone constantly. I also just co-wrote an angsty smut MHA fic with some FANTASTIC authors and friends, called We're Coming Apart (and Falling Together).

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Oof, this is a difficult one. My interests change often, but ones who have taken up the most of my attention are: Royai (FMAB), Ladynoir (Miraculous Ladybug), Izuocha (MHA), and Zelink (Legend of Zelda).

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

All of my chapter fics, lmao. They are all on hiatus, as I have lost inspiration for coompleting them. I want to finish them so badly, but I don't want to force it, either, or else I will be really dissatisfied with the results. A bad ending is worse than no ending, imo.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I really excel at dialogue and setting the mood. I'm very much into the atmosphere and feel of a story. I'm also not bad at remembering body placement in a scene.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Introspection and scenery details. I feel my stories really miss out on an extra layer of complexity when I struggle with introspection, but it is very hard for me to describe feelings without describing something happening alongside it. I worry it is too much "telling" and not enough "showing." I also have a hard time with meeting minimum word counts. As I said earlier, I'm not really verbose.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic.

I think as long as it is done respectfully and faithful to a translator, I think it's okay. I probably would never, though, unless I was learning the language and wanted to practice.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Oof, I wrote for a super niche community back in the day - I wrote fanfiction on the Herinteractive forums, which are for Nancy Drew PC games. I wrote AEs (Alternative Endings) to the games. It was a super fun time.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

The one I had the most fun writing was Peach Blossoms. The one of which I am proudest of the end result is Burning.

This was fun! I tag @guardiantoa, @hermadnessmac, and @icequeen-07!

[luvrodite]

well, your wish is my command - lets talk Aegon.

I find myself thinking of Aegon often, especially in a modern setting and as an older man. Maybe in his early thirties. Maybe because so much of the Aegon we see in the series is what TGC did with him, but I can't help but think that in a modern setting, if he was given the chance and maybe the right push, he'd be able to sort himself out. I live in London and there's this block of renewed flats ( beautiful really old victorian architecture) in south Kensington that I always imagine Aegon living in with Sunfyre, when I walk past.

I'm not entirely sure he'd be able to have a job, but I do think he'd have a creative streak (he can, he's living off generational wealth anyway ahah). I think he'd be clean and in therapy but still a mess most days. But I think he'd be doing the work, or at least trying.

I think he'd be kind, unless he was in one of his dark moods - if he is, in fact, in one of those moods - he's going to try and hurt the people closest to him.

Surprisingly, he's a good cook when he wants to be, but he is messy as fuck and the cleaner that comes once a week hates him.

The day he falls in love, it's going to be dramatic - he either finds someone really patient and level headed or he's fucked, because he cannot date someone like him (that's just gasoline added to the fire). But I think when he finds that person, he's going to be all in and it's going to be a trip! - beautiful and very difficult at times, but worth it. I'm talking anything between impromptu roadtrips to weekends locked away in the flat without leaving the bedroom. And have i mentioned the sex? It's a known fact that the man has a libido the size of Alaska and knows exactly what he is doing.

Because Aegon does not know anything but extremes (even if he's in therapy), he's going to struggle in any healthy relationship in the beginning - but with time, and care and patience he will understand that people won't always leave him.

I always imagine him and sunfyre in the early morning or early evening light, when it's quiet and not too bright. I think he would be a person of transitional, liminal spaces and times if that make sense (like sunrise and sunset, autumn and spring). Oh and he smokes, because he is an addict and that is a part of his personality that will never go away.

I also think he'd have a cottage somewhere in the highlands by the sea, and he'd spend a long time there, especially in the summer when the sun only sets around 10 or 11pm. He'd bring his partner there and I see an old farm house kitchen with copper pans and a big hearth. that's where he is happiest or at least the calmest, up there with sunfyre, someone he loves and no obligations. The whole premiss of this cabin was for him to write his memoir but needless to say the first three chapters have sat untouched in the study for five years now - maybe one day, who knows?

Annnnd I've just spammed you with the Aegon that lives rent free inside my head for some reason xD. Hope this at least makes you smile. :)

Oh and he roasts his own coffee because he's a nob. ahah

siri play london boy by taylor swift !

u are an angel and this is a work of art!!! your modern aegon is literally just describing my type (red flags and all that) but also i feel so envious of him! the generational wealth and being able to live as he pleases. i took a literature class a few years back about the fin de siècle and i think he would thrive in the age of decadence.

but also! the cottage! the peace and isolation in one!! what a dream!! i can imagine him there before he has a lover, and how it changes so much after he brings them into his life

i love that you imagine him in the quiet spaces of time, i feel like i agree that he would exist in those moments 100%. just. quiet. and him.

[essayofthoughts]

camellia and ivy <3

camellia - what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

I don't know that I could accurately describe myself when I was younger. I know how I was seen by others - weird and awkward for a start, which were often the excuses used to bully me.

What I do know is how I was after my dickhead ex, which is to say: a total healfing wreck. And... I know I've changed a lot from that aftermath because there's a couple of fics I wrote early in the healing process that are themselves me discussing healing and what it can look like and... I know I wrote them and I know how I chose my wordings and decided what to do, but I don't entirely recognise the person who wrote them as me, if that makes sense? I changed between starting That balance may return and finishing it significantly, and while, yes, counselling and moving into my own place are certainly things that helped I also think writing out a version of that healing process did too, externalising parts of the healing process so I understood it not just from experience but how it applies beyond myself.

So I don't think I've changed a lot - I know that I have. But at the same time, I think I've circled back around? I was a lot more confident when I was younger, despite the bullying, but the bullying did wear on me and left me vulnerable to dickhead ex who... proceeded to wear me down even more. I've regained my confidence in the years since, I am once again the person who's first coherent word was "no". I've changed, but at my heart, I'm still me - even if sometimes I look at my past self and struggle to recognise them.

ivy - what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired?

Well IRL I'm pretty expressive so that's not too difficult to figure out? I'm also the kind of person who, when asked "How're you doing?" will answer honestly, even if the answer is "like shit" - I'm not the best at small talk. So IRL, I'm not too difficult to figure out.

What does seem to be tricky for people to figure out is to read my online tells? Which baffles me, because most of my close friends are ones I communicate predominantly with online, so at least for me, reading clues and cues in online communication is... more straightforward? I won't use tone signifiers and I don't expect friends to, but there's always just... things? I don't entirely know how to explain it but when your friend who's usually relatively cheerful just seems... uncommonly vehement, that's when you check in, right? Or when someone who usually responds quickly doesn't you can assume they're busy and possibly stressed. When someone is definitely online and has responded to you but they're doing so slowly, that usually indicates tiredness or boredom. It's just... lots of little things and it all depends on which friend it is and timezones and what's been going on for them lately and- a whole host of other things, but there's always little parts to pick up on

Or- it varies from person to person, but for some people using shorthand for things or text speak is a sign of relaxation. If I use it in discussion with someone it usually indicates a joke, unless I'm on my phone in which case it can also indicate typing in haste - but that's contextual and I'll often specify. With certain friends we have just a kind of unspoken joke of slipping into text speak "u shold not set x on fire" - even just the "u" indicates that we know we're all being a bit silly.

And. I guess I can be very strict and firm and especially on my blog in actual text (as opposed to tags) I generally type pretty formally but for what it's worth - I don't like lying. I can be evasive when I don't want to answer something but usually I'll just go "No, I don't want to answer that". And this also means that if I'm answering something and I say "I think that you probably didn't intend this subtext with what you said but here's how it came across to me" - I do mean it. I am offering my perspective and opinion and sometimes that'll be wrong! I know that most people don't overthink things the way that I do, and don't intend the subtext I read into things - I'm not going to take it as malice unless the person doubles down.

And from this, if I say "I disagree with this thing and here's why" I want to be clear that there's no ire in that disagreement, for me? It's more... I want to be respectful and honest, rather than playing along with something I find unlikely, and I want to explain my reasoning so that others can determine for themselves if they agree or not - sometimes I'll miss something and having my reasoning laid out means that the error in my logic can be easily and clearly pointed out.

And I understand that for some people this in no way repairs how my style can feel blunt and intimidating and daunting to approach - but for what it's worth, I promise I don't mean to come off that way and I am generally responding to things in good faith, without ill-feeling.

Of course, knowing my mood on tumblr is not necessarily made easier by this, especially given how rarely I make original posts. Sometimes I have a queue, but that means tagnotes on those could be reflecting a mood thats days old. Sometimes I reblog things immediately and that can be more reflective, but also my frustration at times is pointed at something specific (fuckn tumblr and all those recent bullshit changes, for example) and isn't likely to bubble over onto anyone else.

To return to the question - IRL I'm pretty straightforward and obvious. Online... I know I can be formal, but I do tend to relax with people I know, and there's always little tells in online dialogue, if less evident than in person.

Also, if you ask me how I'm doing, I will say. Even if the answer is "like shit".

[piilokarsastus]

Make me admit stuff?

Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? Given that that's my 60+ year-old orchestration teacher, I'm gonna have to say no

You talked to an ex today, correct? incorrect

Have you taken someones virginity? can we just talk about how funny it is that we describe the act of having sex for the first time as "taking" someone's virginity? like you just. yoink that shit. it's mine now.

Is trust a big issue for you? idk i don't think so

Did you hang out with the person you like recently? I haven't liked anyone in a while

What are you excited for? I have been quietly gnawing at the bars of my enclosure for about 2 years waiting for the next Deltarune chapters to release. Apparently they're going to be out pretty soon!!

What happened tonight? nothing, as usual

Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? who wrote this a fucking mormon?

Is confidence cute? yeah it can be

What is the last beverage you had? water

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? The opposite of non-binary is binary so... about 3. Actually make that 11, since you seem to love binary so damn much (math joke woooo *crowd goes wild*)

Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? no

What are you gonna do Saturday night? nothing significant probably

What are you going to spend money on next? food most likely

Are you going out with the last person you kissed? not anymore

Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? doubtful but one can hope

Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? there's one friend i guess

The last time you felt broken? about a year ago

Have you had sex today? no

Are you starting to realize anything? i'm beginning to think it's really difficult for me to develop feelings for someone. like unless we get to hang out as friends first without any kind of dating pressure it's just not gonna happen. it's either that or the fact that i rarely get matches from the people i'm most interested in

Are you in a good mood? not particularly

Would you ever want to swim with sharks? yeah why not? they're so smooth after all

Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? closer to my mum's

What do you want right this second? to sleep, apparently

What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? there's no one at the moment

Is your current hair color your natural hair color? yes. weirdly that is a question i get quite often

Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? unlikely

What was the last thing that made you laugh? some funny cat video on tiktok probably

Do you really, truly miss someone right now? not really

Does everyone deserve a second chance? very ambiguous question but probably not

Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? no...? i'm beginning to think i'm not the target demographic for this questionnaire

Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? there's no one

Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? yes actually. funny you should ask that

Listening to? nothing at the moment

Do you ever write in pencil anymore? sometimes. it's the only type of pen i use when i write by hand but that's not something i do every day

Do you know where the last person you kissed is? at home sleeping probably? idk we don't talk anymore

Do you believe in love at first sight? ehh i guess not. there's attraction at first sight but love takes time

Who did you last call? i try to avoid making phone calls as much as i can but i think it was my mum

Who was the last person you danced with? can't even remember if i've danced at all since high school? it's just not something i do

Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? seggs

When was the last time you ate a cupcake? come to think of it, i'm not sure i've ever eaten one

Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? no

Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? haven't we all

Do you tan in the nude? i don't tan

If you could, would you take back your last kiss? no

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? no

Who was the last person to call you? some salesman probably, didn't check the number

Do you sing in the shower? not exactly but i have come to realise the walls in my shower naturally resonate in D major

Do you dance in the car? out of all the places i could think to dance in, a car would probably be one of the worst choices

Ever used a bow and arrow? yes. if you haven't, you didn't have a childhood. i don't make the rules.

(the numbering got fucked up after this point and i can't seem to be able to change it)

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? about two years ago

Do you think musicals are cheesy? yes, as they should

Is Christmas stressful? not really. i don't really have to organise anything but sometimes it can be stressful to think of good gifts

Ever eat a pierogi? i think so

Favorite type of fruit pie? apple i guess. i don't eat a lot of pies

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? royal prince, actor, designer, lawyer, author (in that order)

Do you believe in ghosts? no

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? yes

Take a vitamin daily? apparently not but thanks for reminding

Wear slippers? no

Wear a bath robe? are these questions or suggestions?

What do you wear to bed? underwear and/or pyjamas

First concert? no idea, probably fröbelin palikat or some shit like that

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? K-supermarket supremacy

Nike or Adidas? there are few things in life i care about less than sportswear

Cheetos Or Fritos? never had either but i despise all juustonaksus so fritos it is

Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? peanuts

Favorite Taylor Swift song? i'm proud to say i can't name any off the top of my head

Ever take dance lessons? no

Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? i can hardly imagine myself having a spouse at this point

Can you curl your tongue? yes

Ever won a spelling bee? we don't have those. it would be an extremely pointless competition in Finnish

Have you ever cried because you were so happy? i don't think i have

What is your favorite book? i don't have a favourite

Do you study better with or without music? without

Regularly burn incense? no

Ever been in love? yes

Who would you like to see in concert? Robert Levin

What was the last concert you saw? a contemporary music concert in my home town

Hot tea or cold tea? if, by cold, you mean ice tea, then that. if you mean regular tea that's been refrigerated for some ungodly reason, then hot

Tea or coffee? tea

Favorite type of cookie? mansikkadomino

Can you swim well? reasonably

Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? if you can't i don't have high hopes for your education

Are you patient? yes

DJ or band, at a wedding? band

Ever won a contest? yes. not anything significant

Ever have plastic surgery? no

Which are better black or green olives? green

Opinions on sex before marriage? hell yeah

Best room for a fireplace? designated fireplace room

Do you want to get married? not necessarily. could be fun to experience love sometime in my adult life but marriage is not a requirement for that

[eclectic-sassycoweyes]

Hello it's your secret santa again 🤗 I have a few questions for you.

Do you have a preference for perspective? I am comfortable writing in both TK and Carlos' pov but I have never been very good at omniscient, so I apologize if that's your preference.

Would you mind elaborating on your comfort levels regarding mental health topics? I don't have any plans to include anything outside of your typical anxiety, depression, etc, and it wouldn't be the main focus, but I just wanted to ask if that would be okay with you.

How do you feel about me combining your prompts? There were a few elements from each one that were really compelling to me, but if you'd rather I keep them separate and only focus on one then I totally get that.

I am heavily considering writing prompt 3 or incorporating it, but I don't have any specific visions for it yet. Do you have any kinks that are your favorites? I am open to trying something I've never attempted to write before so I'd love to have a better understanding of what you like.

I'm sure I will have more questions for you as I get started on my outline, so I won't overwhelm you with any specifics for now.

I hope you're doing well!

- 🌻

Hi Santa!🥰 I apologize for the delay in replying, I had to think haha but I’m not sure it helped make up a useful answer. I’ll try though but you’re also always welcome to come back and ask for more clarification!☺️

1) This one’s easy! Bc nope, no preference, and some worry at all about not writing omniscient! Whichever pov you find most suitable for the story/interesting to explore, or just the easiest, I’ll be as happy about and I want you to have fun writing it!!

2) This one’s a bit more difficult but maybe I’m just complicating it my head bc if as you said it’s not the main focus then I’m sure it’s fine! I’m not easily triggered, but some topics I really have to be in the right mood for, and some are just a bit too heavy. What I specifically can’t do is: hurt-no-comfort, hopelessness (the notion that everything is bad and there is no hope within the characters/outlook in the story for it getting better, very negative or anxious thinking that isn’t being challenged), anything at all suicidal, even when it’s referencing the past i prefer that to be not very present in the fic, (otherwise most things past referenced is usually fine), the mental illness being all-encompassing. Is it there, while there’s still space for the characters to also be happy and enjoy life? Active self harm outside of very minor things. I won’t elaborate on this unless it’s necessary. Active eating disorder that again is set in a place of hopelessness - not in treatment or very all-encompassing, focus on body rather than thoughts and lot etc. But it’s okay if there are current thoughts that the character struggles with I just can’t have them not in recovery by the end of the fic. I’m fine with the nitty gritty realities of mental illness - like when I say I need it “resolved” what I mean is being at a place where you can live with it and there is hope rather than magically being cured at the end of the fic! So like panic attacks or negative thinking or not feeling able to get out of bed one or two days or even a week in a row is fine, just as long as that isn’t the whole fic/main focus. Gah I reeally hope this makes sense! As I said, as long as it isn’t the main focus and not hopeless/all encompassing then I’m sure it’s fine. Like I said I’m not easily like triggered to a degree that’s risky in any way, so don’t feel afraid either to include it in a way that feels real to you I feel sure that your balance will work fine ! :)

3) This is easy again yay! Feel completely free to mix up, add, multiply, devide and subtract from my prompts in whichever way that will make you also like the story and have fun with it!☺️

4) This is difficult mostly bc I don’t know if I have a kink that’s my fave to read about! When I say healthy communication and exploration/experimentation, I really mean literally that I love that part of it taking up a lot of focus! I love reading sex that is exploring and communicative and realistic and where the characters learn new things about themselves and their partner or are generally conscious of the way they’re having sex. Within that, especially with ship I love as much as Tarlos, as long as it feels in character, there isn’t much I can’t read! Like, even stuff that isn’t my personal kink, I will enjoy reading about them trying if one of them might like/think they like it!

I can only come up with very few categories that I will not want to read about and I feel actually a bit shy about writing them out here haha even though I’m writing that I wouldn’t like to read them🫣 okay I’m just gonna do it anyway. For Tarlos I generally don’t hc involving more partners. IF they were to do it, and I am open to that, I’d imagine a lot of communication also with the other party and respect for them, and very centered about the two of them loving each other and this being a thing they’re exploring /together/. Okay I think I found a way to say without saying another thing I really wouldn’t like reading about - any bodily fluid that you have to be very ill for it to come out in a way that is clear/see through/not on the.. darker end of the color spectrum😅

Other bodily fluids are fine for me to read about, but one of the three left (maybe you can guess which) shall not re-enter any body, and in general using one’s own bodily fluids to humiliate/show possessiveness/power over the other is also not for me.. Coming on one’s partner and getting feelings of possessiveness is fine 🙃. There’s also something about spit for me where, when first it’s existed outside of someone’s mouth, it can’t go back in, even into the same persons’s mouth from which it came. Idk why but 🤷���♂️

Anything involving a weapon of some kind is also not for me.

A character inflicting pain on another character bc they like it, not because the other does, is also not for me.

Hmm.. very very heavy bdsm and consensual non-con are also going to toe the line for me to enjoy and depends a lot on the way it’s written.

I don’t think of anything right now outside of these no-thank-you categories that I would not be fine reading!

I will end this section with saying what I do like, very broadly: intimacy (familiarity and ‘vulnerability’ - not necessarily feeling vulnerable but being vulnerable through feeling exposed or sharing intimate stuff), communication (again can be literally about anything - like, if you want to make it kinky definitely go for it, but literally them talking about more mundane stuff the angle of a toy, when they’re up for penetrative sex or not, the.. preparation that sometimes need to go into that, protection, not having much libido at the moment, sharing fantasies or porn, how they like something or what their previous experiences have been), exploration, fun/laughter.

Btw all the examples are more to illustrate my points, so feel free to google or come up with just anything you’d find fun to write about !

I will now actually end this section, just in case anybody else is reading this even though it’s long and probably irrelevant for you, that I judge nobody and no kinks and stating here things I prefer to nope out of is in no way me implying that I find it to be weird or gross to be having these kinks:):)!!

Like I said, please do feel free to return here if you need any more clarification or have other questions!!

[voeraenkalashu]

Hello, pets. I know that you've all been longing to hear from Me. I'm sure you've enjoyed the few small glimpses behind the castle gates that you've seen thus far and have been dying for more.

I have been taking some time to Myself and have only been speaking to and interacting with My owned submissives. As I am in the process of cutting out My pay-to-play domination style and am converting to strictly FInDom, I have many long discussions to have with each of the submissives that I currently have under consideration for ownership to determine whether they wish to stick around, or whether W/we will end the consideration for a dynamic. This has been very taxing on Me, and is the main reason that I have been so quiet.

While I am moving on to bigger and better things, this is still a period of mourning in My life. There are many pursuits and dreams in life that have been too short-lived because of moving on to bigger and better things. And while the changes are an obvious improvement or I wouldn't move on, it does mean losing some things that I love dearly. And that's always hard on anyone.

Due to this, I have not been indulging in many hobbies outside of kink. I have been practicing regularly with My owned submissives, as always. That does not change unless absolutely necessary, and in those rare times, they're good pets who understand and can be patient.

However, I have spent very little time singing, playing video games, or writing outside of prep for conversations I need to have. Smoking is a constant regardless of what I'm going through, as are sex and masturbation. So while I am in mourning and displaying some signs of depression, I assure you that I am perfectly fine. And once I get through this transition period and have adjusted properly to the changes in My life, all that will fade away. As it always does. There's no reason to fear the dark, My dear. It might seem daunting, but W/we have a lot of fun here.

The silence has admittedly been strange. It has been a long time since I've had this kind of isolation and distance from others. It's a routine, you see. I go out into the world, I socialize, I start taking chances on people, and then the world reminds Me why it isn't worth My time. So I return to the solitude that is My sanctuary, My best boy at My side to meet My every need, and time scheduled for those who earn it. I have always thrived best in solitude. It can be difficult at times, but time and time again I find that it's much easier than dealing with people. And I'm not at all sorry for saying that. This world has never deserved Me.

For the time being, I am relaxing. I have things to tend to later in the evening, but for now, I am listening to music that suits My mood, smoking, and getting lost in My own thoughts. Eventually, My body will grow restless and I will need to do something, but with luck it will be about time to tend those other things and I needn't worry about what to fill My time with. I just wish I were playing and actively earning money and having fun, instead of sitting here while all My good boys work and trying to convince Myself to indulge in other hobbies.

I know it just means I have more time to plan more fun things for the pets I already own and those under consideration who choose/are able to stay. But right now, I can't bring Myself to focus on that. And I believe it's simply because the discussions with those under consideration aren't finished yet. So when I'm not actively tending other things that I'm responsible for, that's what My mind goes to. And then how much I miss actively practicing already.

On the bright side, when I finally come out the other side of all this, you'll really get to see My creative side flourishing. Once I have a new routine, things will get easier.

But alright. I'm through rambling. It's not like anybody outside of My inner circle gives a fuck anyway. And yet I find the routine soothing. Until next time. 🪶

[a-cloud-for-dreams]

tysm for the tag Lizzie and Ava!! mwah 💗 the images are "objectively" ranked (left->right, then top->bottom) but the explanations are moreso based on personal attachments

kali: flame of samsara/song of the crimson nile: despite my well-known hatred for remy, she always has some of the most interesting story concepts (even though they're poorly executed especially past S1). i love her MCs, LIs, and and the historical settings infused with fantastical/mystery elements (even if they aren't handled well.) in my heart, i knew these books could be better with a stronger writer, but i have a soft spot for these characters and always play remy's books first after every update before moving onto other books. i would rewrite a lot of their S2s (and SOTCN's S3) to make them cleaner and more efficient because there technically is a lot to work with

astrea's broken heart: i don't think there's anything unique i can say here but i LOVE LOVE LOVE this book!! i have a soft spot for this book since it was the first RC book i saw update from the very beginning rather than jumping into an already ongoing/completed book. i love the concept, the MC, the art style, the LIs, the MYSTERY!! it's a book that is really easy to rec to new RC users (even tho the Wattpad nature of writing for S1 did make me cringe a bit i'm sorry 😭). i wish this book wasn't tied down by the HS-verse of it all but at least they set it up? and i want to see where they go with this

heaven's secret requiem: specifically S1, but i'm still giving S2 room to improve itself ig. i adore lane she's literally one of my favorite and most relatable MCs. the unsettling atmosphere, the morally grey characters, the overall concept, the WRITING STYLE?! top tier. if someone else were to write for greg and anna (along with letting boris stay dead but still haunting lane) this book could be PERFECT. also i will mention lane again because i love the way she's written as a sort of unreliable narrator who doesn't even know what's going on with herself. *chef's kiss*

soulless: wow, just, wow. i need to give a standing ovation for Wincy for how much she DEVOURED with this book. i don't even know where to begin but the way haters turned into fans when they realized this book would be deeper than "haha smut" was INCREDIBLE to watch unfold! I love vyx sm like lane she's such an amazing MC with some of the best character development on the app I can't wait to learn more about her

shakespeare's code: when it was revealed amy was the one writing for this book, i will admit i was skeptical. but thankfully i was proven WRONG. amabelle is literally one of my favorite MCs we finally get to play as someone who is evil and doesn't have to become a better person (alongside lane)!! i love how many stats you can play through and the LIs are all unique and interesting, we love to see it. i love the current ongoing theory that amabelle is a "lost shakespeare character" in one of his plays that never came to light which is why she's being surrounded by shakespeare characters in other plays in one world that shakespeare is holding together to avoid coping with a grave loss (ok wandavision). but tldr i can't wait to see what amy does with this book <33

and the haze will take us/the thunderstorms saga: these books are somewhere between being honorable mentions and faves. bear in mind that i haven't read their recent updates yet, but both books are really well done and have wonderful MCs/worldbuilding!! i always enjoy playing them but i don't have an aggressive attachment to them like i do with other books even if those other books are objectively worse if that makes sense?? it's like after i close the book i don't spend a lot of outside time thinking about them unless i'm in the mood to do so. i love the way haze is centered on slavic culture and i feel like it's difficult to mess up fantasy/elves it's so classic!

honorable mention: the missing (it's too early to officially declare it a fave but i LOVE it so far) & w: timecatcher (really well thought out book and you could feel the love arina has for all of her characters)!!

Bringing this back !

Here's a fun little thing I'm bringing back for the fandom - reblog this (or make ur own post) with your favorite ONGOING books, if you want you can add reasons as to why they're your favorites, and tag people who you think would like to participate ! 😁

reasoning & tagging below the cut to not clog the post ✨

honorable mentions: astrea's broken heart, the missing, w time catcher, kali: flame of samsara.

tagging: @theodoravery @suckitphaneuf @lanesrequiem @haitianempress @ratanslily @jillfvs @a-cloud-for-dreams @taemcains @webanglikethat @hexesandroses @renninflight @rosesandpearlss and anyone else who would like to participate ! <3

a) Soulless - where do I start ? Amazing. Showstoping. Spectacular. Totally unique, completely not ever been done before. I LOVE every single love interest, I love Vyxaria as an MC no matter the path, I looove how neatly the plot all ties together - it's just all amazing. Best ongoing story I think.

b) Shakespeare's Code - despite the fact it's been 6 episodes, this story is bumped to the TOP of my favorites. It's just amazing, Amabelle is extremely entertaining as an MC, the love interests all have different plotlines, and I love how many stats & combinations you can have !

c) 7 Brothers - of course, it wouldn't be fair to talk about my favorites without talking about this story I've been defending tooth & nail since forever. A misunderstood work of art, I really like the MC, Jaynie's so relatable & an all-around character, I absolutely cherish her. Of course, there's the love interests & Langley's amazing writing strikes again. It's always the first story I play every update <3

d) Love, Sin & Evil - another underrated work of art, my favorite thing about this story is the mechanics of saving the characters ! Super innovative, I love it. I also think Mina's a super entertaining MC and the fashion is just top notch, though on the more expensive side 👌 Eagerly waiting for the next update & the upcoming finale.

e) Heaven's Secret: Requiem - unfortunately, despite all its problems, specifically romance-wise, I still really like this story, at least for the plot of it. I'm still invested in what the fuck is the deal with Lane, and how it's all going to end.

f) And The Haze Will Take Us - Suuuuper invested to see where Alice is taking this story. I was kind of torn on season 1 but I'm actually really focused on season 2 to see where this story and this haze will be taking us ! Looking forward to the next update.

[hihighimdad]

August 9, 2023

Hi. My name is _____. I'm not telling you my real name. Not here. Here is where I let my thoughts, emotions, paranoia, and whatever else goes on in my head roam free. And I have a lot of those dying to come out.

This is a new adventure for me but not an unfamiliar one. I've been down this blog path before, but it was nearly 15 years ago which means I was 15 years dumber at the time. Is there really a difference between 15 years ago and now, though? Absolutely not. I'm still an idiot and will always be one, and this will all be obviously apparent if someone, somewhere out there, has the unfortunate luck of stumbling upon this. I feel sorry for you.

Current mood: drained, dark, heavy. Also a bit confused.

Lately I've noticed a significant dip in my mental health. I do have a list of possible causes, but to be honest it can be a combination of some, all, or even none of them. I'm not entirely sure anymore but I'll go ahead and list them anyway:

My job. How very surprising. I work in Human Resources (yes, that's the culprit right there, officer), where everyone hates you all the time unless they fucked around too much and found out, and now they're in big trouble. That's when they start trying to be your friend, telling you how much of a "rockstar" you are and they "appreciate you so, so much!" Fuck. Off. They also don't pay attention to Harassment Prevention Training (or, sometimes, don't even attend the training or respond to your emails), but will be the first ones to get offended by something trivial and stupid. I hope you all sue the fuck out of each other.

My mother-in-law. Let me first start by saying that I actually get along with her, but lately it's been rough. She has a lot of flaws herself, as we all do, but her main flaw is being a narcissist. "A textbook narcissist," as my husband will say. Of course, he'll never say that to her face and we never will. She wouldn't even believe it if we did, so it will always be a lost cause. Last night, she just told me I needed to write down, on a piece of paper, what I want to manifest. Then I needed to burn that piece of paper outside, and the ashes will fly into a portal where all of my manifested dreams will come true. She told me I needed to do this so that I can have a baby... that's actually a perfect segue into the next possible cause:

Infertility. I've learned a lot about this struggle over the past 3 years and I want to apologize to every single person I've said "OMG are you pregnant?!" or "when are you two having a baby?" or "don't worry, your time will come" to. I am so sorry I assumed this was easy. I'm so sorry I was naïve and insensitive. Now, I loathe those comments, but it's also difficult to make them understand why I feel the way I do because they never will unless they experience it themselves. The best days are the days when you think you could be pregnant. Call it hope, delusion, or a last chance to be positive, but when you lose yourself in this world, you can also lose your rationality. Sort the signs: PMS or early pregnancy? Can discharge signal pregnancy? Implantation bleeding vs. period. Pregnancy signs with irregular periods. We've got to add what others have experienced, too. You got your common nausea/vomiting symptoms. Others say they knew they were pregnant because they started craving certain foods out of nowhere. There's also fatigue, maybe. You know, symptoms of pregnancy that can also be associated with signs of stress? Symptoms that are so easily susceptible to the placebo effect? These are the best days, and I say that very delicately because they're actually not the best days. They're not even good days. It's an imaginary light at the end of the tunnel; it's not real. A mirage. Also I'm sure I don't have to explain what the worst days are.

My never-ending battle with weight. Ok, I know this one I can change, but goddamn is it so fucking difficult to. How many years has it been now, since I wanted to lose weight? Almost 20 years? I remember I was still in high school. What makes me sad is that back then, I could've just lost 20 pounds and called it a day. I would've been at my goal weight. 5 years later, I could've lost 30 pounds to reach my goal weight. Or 35 pounds. Or 40. Today, the most I've lost during this attempt is 38 pounds, and I wasn't even halfway. I desperately need something, something that lets me disassociate from food or makes me hate it. I don't want to want food anymore.

I'm sure I have a lot more possible causes I can list, but I need to stop it here for today. I still have to get some work done. My laptop is lagging. I'm tired. I'm interested in how long I can do this for before I abandon it like any other personal project I've started. I also want to see a psychologist or psychiatrist or whoever can diagnose me. I'm convinced that depression and anxiety are not the only things going on in my head.