#some dissociation though

[dissociativewriter]

a short Sylus x reader drabble because it’s springtime; not proofread

Sylus entered his bedroom to find you wrapped in his blanket, nose red, eyes puffy, and a mountain of tissues strewn carelessly around you. His brows drew together, immediately rushing to your side. “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” The bed sunk under his weight as he pulled you into his arms. His voice gained a sharp edge as he asked, “Did someone hurt you?”

You open your mouth to respond, but the tickle in your throat takes priority and you plunge into a violent coughing fit. Sylus absentmindedly rubbed your back as you tried to catch your breath, his concern only growing as your silence continued.

“It’s nothing,” you whispered hoarsely.

“Clearly it’s not nothing if it’s reduced you to this,” he muttered, smoothing out your haphazard hair.

“It’s really fine, I’m used to it.” You softly shook your head.

“Used to it?” The creases in his face deepened along with his frown. “What could possibly have happened to you to get you used to this?”

“It’s…” you coughed again, unable to catch your breath for a moment. You heard the slight whirring of wings as Mephisto perched onto the headboard behind you.

“Take your time, sweetie,” he murmured. “All I need is a name. Even a vague description will do.”

“It’s…” you took as deep a breath as you could, though it was still shallow. “Pollen.”

The hand on your back stilled. The furrow in Sylus’s brows lessened, but it didn’t disappear completely. He looked at you, seeing if you were serious, and was met with your watery eyes. He sighed, closing his eyes. “…pollen?”

“Yes, and it’s killing me! I can barely breathe, I keep sneezing, and—“ you were cut off by an aggressive sneeze. Sylus wordlessly handed you the tissue box, to which you nodded in thanks. “And I’m so itchy! I keep rubbing my eyes and it looks like I’ve been sobbing.” You dramatically fell back on the bed, tossing an arm over your eyes. “I hate spring and I hate pollen,” you grumbled.

Sylus chuckled then, waving a hand to dismiss Mephisto. He laid down next to you, taking your hand in his. “How about I get you some allergy medication?”

You sniffed. “Okay. And… maybe some cookies?” You moved your arm to look at him hopefully.

He chuckled again, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “Whatever you want, sweetie. Just say the word.”

comments and reblogs appreciated! <3

masterlist

[bumblingbabooshka]

I love Vulcans we need to get more into the emotional lives of Vulcans without imposing Human standards onto them. "The way you feel is wrong/repressive because it's not the way it's "supposed" to be from my perspective as an alien called Human" is boring to me especially when it's treated as correct. I wanna know how the aliens feel about their alien way of life. Vulcans are so interesting to me when written AS aliens and not as analogous to repressed Humans. I think about Tuvok's description of attachment to his family and how that isn't the emotion 'love' but something else, something that he feels no shame about having and sees as normal, as naturally Vulcan and I love it and I love it because there aren't any Humans there to go "Um actually checkmate you Vulcan s.o.b - that's emotion!" and he isn't being influenced by anything. These are his authentic thoughts. He sees his children, his family, as part of him. They were at times illogical, incomprehensible, and it was extremely rewarding to be in their lives. He thinks about them every day. They were well behaved. As teens they were contemptuous of authority and convinced of their own superiority. His youngest son loved one 200 verse story so he sang it to him. He'd rather die than betray his wife even in spirit. He's incomplete without them. It's obvious through Tuvok that Vulcan life is not inherently devoid of pleasure, comfort, or love and thus Human life (I think) should not be portrayed as inherently having something greater, deeper, more meaningful. I'm not talking here of society but of...emotional life. Interiority. There's this sense that all Vulcans are the same and miserable for it. That they hold themselves back and are indistinguishable and antagonistic to the self, repressed and wrong. That to be Vulcan is to suffer endlessly and Humans are all about Freedom Man and I don't know, I like that Tuvok's existence sort of challenges this as much as I acknowledge that Vulcan society is in fact repressive and unwelcoming to those who don't fit neatly into it. I'm not saying Vulcan society is a utopia, I'm questioning the perception of Vulcan emotional control - that way of life - as being inherently bad, devoid, or lacking. That Vulcans walk around with 'empty cups' and are only deluding themselves that to be that way is good. If only, Humanity moans, they could taste how delicious life could be! Tuvok is an average Vulcan. He does not struggle with emotion, he is not mixed species, he was not raised atypically, and yet he has a family he cares about and a wife he's loyal to and friends he values and none of these things seem to be Un-Vulcan to him. If Vulcan life was truly devoid of love and care, Tuvok wouldn't think of his family. They're not here, so why bother? When his pon farr came, he'd be trying to find the most compatible mate rather than risking his life by trying to meditate through it out of loyalty to T'Pel. T'Pel would also have just given Tuvok up for dead instead of waiting and his children wouldn't have traveled all the way to the most holy temple on the planet to say prayers for his safe return. I think these things are interesting and I wish they'd been explored more. The fact that caring about your family, caring about your friends, is not Un-Vulcan. The fact that Tuvok at no point longs for Humanity, sees nothing better or of interest to him in it. (Even in his teenage rebellion he only says he's sorry he was born Vulcan which reads less as Vulcan v Human and more like 'I hate this goddamn family' ykwim?). I want to know more about how Vulcans interact with each other, how they care for one another, what it means and what it's like to be Vulcan in more of an everyday way rather than what it means to be Vulcan vs Human.

[hiding-under-the-willow]

I'm back with another Hels and EX hurt/comfort oneshot! This one is a bit heavy at certain points, but it's also one of my favorite things I've written in awhile, so!

[Enjoy!]

[starrynightteam]

OSDD system when they start to open up:

[clever-and-unique-name]

It is 3am and you wake up on a day you have to go to work later. You uncurl slowly from whatever shrimped up position your unconscience deemed was "safe" while your ears ring from a child sobbing incoherently.

Not a flesh-and-blood child, not a child outside of your brain, but a real one nonetheless. You don't hate her. You don't love her, even though you know you're supposed to. She's simply there, and you can't ignore her. Never could.

She brokenly babbles about fear and despair. You can't catch most of it; most of it isn't words, anyhow. Just a feeling that sits heavy on your chest. Clangs in your head like lightning. Makes your gut lurch.

You work the tension from your locked-up jaw. Extract yourself from the mess of sweat-soaked blankets tangled around your limbs. Your body fucking hurts. Everything fucking hurts.

One foot flat on the floor, then the other. Heave yourself up, stagger to the door.

"Listen," you rasp in a voice distinctly not-yours, not that you notice much anymore. She quiets to sniffles and hiccups. Talking out loud, for whatever reason, seems to help. She's listening, but you never know what to say.

"I get it. I hear you. I can't fix any of that though."

She knows that just as well as you do. Doesn't make it stop. And you know it just as well as she does.

You're grasping at straws here, trying to mentally paw through heaps of self-help books and years of therapy with a killer headache and 5% battery life on your brain. What would help. What would help. God, you just want to sleep.

"Let's eat something warm, 'kay? See if that helps."

At 3:20am on a day you have to work, you sit down and eat chocolate chip pancakes with a slightly less miserable child in your brain, and wonder if this is healing or a sad joke.

Oh well. It's your lot to deal with, either way. And at least the pancakes are good.

[daily-neurodivergent-character]

Daily Neuro-Divergent Character #19

Uendo Toneido!

From Ace Attorney!

Uendo canonically has DID!!!

Requested by @suziehearts!

[faggling]

ive decided im singlehandedly going to bring mr robot back from the dead because if any show deserves to have a revival in popularity it does

like.

can you fucking imagine the discourse??? the possibilities are endless

[kopykunoichi]

Elias, Chise, and Ruth (Part 2)

Part 1 Here

In chapter thirteen, we discover that while Chise and Ruth have been further bonding and Ruth is settling in, Elias went straight to his room and hasn’t emerged for three entire days. He’s not eating or interacting with anyone. Ruth believes it might have something to do with Elias changing forms, because it draws a lot of energy…but as a newly awakened fae, he doesn’t have much knowledge of the subject. He encourages her to just go into Elias’ room and ask him, but she can’t go through with it. 

Chise’s worry over Elias is beginning to eat at her so much that Silver Lady gives her an allowance and kicks her out of the house with Ruth. They run into Angie, who is visiting from London to check on Chise. They have a good conversation where Chise learns some valuable information (such as the actual definition of magic). Later, they talk about Elias, and Chise admits that she doesn’t want to do things to upset him for fear of him kicking her out. Angie points out that it sounds like there’s some codependency going on there, and that even though Elias bought her, Chise doesn’t need to be tethered to him all her life. Chise slams her fist on the brick wall next to them, and then apologizes for her overreaction. Angie apologizes too, and says she was probably out of line. 

Internally, Chise reflects that she’s not being fair. She thinks to herself, “I’m relying on someone who doesn’t much care for me one way or another…telling myself I don’t care if he abandons me…while being terrified that someday he will.”

Elias is hiding out in his bedroom, literally unable to hold himself together because his feelings for her are so strong, and she’s over here thinking he doesn’t really care about her.

After parting ways with Angie, Chise gathers her courage and goes to Elias’ room. When he doesn’t answer her, she opens the door and walks in. Ruth is right next to her about to follow her, when Elias shoots across the room and slams the door in Ruth’s face, knocking Chise down. Elias, who was so keen on Chise getting a familiar, now wants nothing more than to get her away from her familiar. 

While Ruth is outside the door scratching to get in, Elias hovers over her and apologizes. He tells her he’s having trouble keeping his form stable. Even though he knows he must be frightening to her like that, he asks her to stay with him in his room. She makes him promise to explain everything to her in the morning. She goes and sits with him on his bed, his body wrapped around her. She observes how everything about him looks monstrous, as she touches his face. He pulls her against his chest, holding her tightly. She believes she’s not afraid because she was cursed by her mother right before she died. 

Chapter fourteen begins with Chise asleep in Elias’ bed, his massive hand covering her chest and throat, though he’s not squeezing. His jaws are wide open over her entire head, and drool is dripping from between his teeth. The fae soul inside him very much wants to eat Chise. Hours later, Chise has a dream about her mother choking her and wakes up alone in his bed. He left a note on the nightstand saying he’d be back in the evening. 

She and Ruth immediately go out looking for him. As they search, Ruth, in his human form, casually remarks that Chise loves Elias, which shocks Chise. She admits she likes him, but Ruth points out that she’s anxious when he’s gone and she worries about him. He reassures her that it’s a good thing to love someone other than yourself and to have someone to protect and protect you in turn. He loved Isabel (as a sister), as he loves Chise now. Chise wishes aloud that it was that easy, to which Ruth gives her a frustrated look and notes her stubborn streak.

A short time later, they come across an elderly man named Joel tending his garden, along with a leannan sidhe who is strangely not feeding off him. Ruth goes on to look for Elias, telling Chise to stay behind because she hasn’t slept well in days and it’s showing. She has tea with Joel, who asks where her friend went. She clarifies that he’s her brother, reinforcing the understanding of the reader that there is nothing romantic about her love for Ruth. 

Chise agrees to read the short story that Joel wrote, observing that it’s sweet, but not at all influenced by the leannan sidhe’s magic. The fae tells her how she met Joel right after eating her last lover. Even though he wasn’t her type, she was drawn to him and their eyes met once, just for a moment. She doesn’t give him her inspiration, nor does she feed off him. She simply wants to be with him forever until he dies. She asks Chise what she thinks that means. 

Later, as she’s leaving, Chise says to her, “Those strange feelings you have? I think it’s probably–” The fae silences her with a kiss, telling her, “That’s not the answer I want to hear. For my kind, to “love” a human means eating them. So no, I do not love him.” For the leannan sidhe, and fae in general, to love means to want to consume. This is why we later see Chise “paying” fae by allowing them to drink her blood in exchange for information. Even Elias makes a point to lick her wounds; I suspect not only to help heal them, but because the fae soul in him wants to eat her. 

The fae soul within Elias loves Chise, expressing that love as ravenous hunger, possessiveness, and jealousy…as fae do. But the human soul in him is fighting those dark urges and wrestles down that instinct, which is why he retreated to the woods when he felt compelled to devour her the previous night. When Elias is having trouble maintaining his form, it is literally an outside picture of the war being waged between his fae soul and his human soul. When Chise bound herself to another fae, the fae soul within him reacted strongly to that, and started to take over. But contrary to what Alice believes, Elias’ human side is stronger than his monster side, and he has been beating it down into submission for hundreds - if not thousands - of years. 

When Chise leaves Joel’s house, she reflects on her own feelings, telling herself, “Seeing as I only know how to think about myself, I guess I don’t really have any right to talk about love.”

Cue Ruth telepathically letting her know where Elias is and she immediately goes running after this guy who she supposes she just likes. When she finds him, she breaks down, asking him questions about himself and lamenting the fact that he won’t answer them. She admits that she’s selfish, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. She doesn’t want to stay ignorant forever. 

Elias is very surprised to see her emoting this way. He’s never seen her so worked up before - except when she got angry at Josef for wanting to use Ruth as an experiment. He explains to her that the balance of his form gave way, claiming that when he transformed at the church so suddenly, it knocked a few things out of whack. He says it’s because he hadn’t taken that form in so long, he’d forgotten how to maintain it. Chise realizes that some of what he’s saying is true and some of it isn’t. She senses that he’s telling her a half-truth, as Renfred accused him of the first time she met him. 

And he is. The reason he had trouble maintaining his form is because his fae side was so overcome with jealousy over her bond with Ruth that it overpowered his human side for four days straight. But there’s no way he’s going to tell her that. His human soul can accept Ruth’s presence and their bond, even if he doesn’t like it. He’s horrible at recognizing emotions and relationship dynamics, but perhaps his human side was able to reason that the pros of Ruth outweighed the cons. And besides, there’s nothing he can do about it anyway, the deed is done. If he’s still going to make Chise his bride, Ruth is going to be a package deal.

Elias asks Chise for a little more time to organize his thoughts before he tells her about himself. She reluctantly agrees, though she’s a little pouty afterward. With the human soul in the driver’s seat again, Elias asks if she’s angry with him. She denies it, but he keeps questioning her about yet another odd expression on her face. This is their first “fight” as a couple, and it’s actually a really good thing, because we see Chise beginning to push back against him and not let him dictate all the boundaries of the relationship. She wants to know more about him, but he’s afraid to let her see the whole of him. He only wants her to experience his humanity, not his fae traits. But the layers are starting to be peeled back, one at a time. 

This isn’t his last struggle with his fae side’s jealous streak that nearly costs Chise her life, but the pattern is very clear. When the inhuman soul within him feels that his relationship with Chise is being threatened, he gets much more aggressive and overpowers the human soul. His morals go out the window. His possessiveness and urge to eat her is very strong at these times, but we are supposed to understand from Chise’s encounter with the leannan sidhe, that even that is the result of him loving her. The fae can’t seem to love in healthy ways like humans are capable of. I can’t think of a single healthy romantic relationship between a fae and anyone else in this story. Still, we see that both sides of him love her after their own fashion.

But the implication of this is clear: only Elias’ human side is capable of loving Chise in a way that is good for her in the long run. Fae are inherently selfish. So, if they are ever to be together, the human side of him has to be the one that wins out over the “monster” side. Luckily, the human soul is also accompanied by the animal souls that went into his creation. As we see with Ruth, animal souls are more than capable of forming strong, healthy, loving bonds. 

We see that Elias is at war with himself all throughout the story, trying desperately to keep the darkness in himself under wraps. We’re reminded over and over again that fae, while certainly not always antagonists, can never fully be trusted. Elias understands this better than anyone, which is why he’s yearning for and working toward his humanity. He can’t change the darkness inside himself, and he can’t always suppress it, either. But if he can accept and love himself as he is, he should be able to maintain balance and keep it in check. 

As his relationship with Chise grows deeper and they do commit themselves to each other, we see him getting better at this. The next chapter of their lives at the college shows how his heart is beginning to grow, and his capacity to love others is also growing. Even though there is less time spent focusing on his relationship with Chise, they are both putting in the work to love others selflessly. These are skills that must be achieved in order to have a healthy relationship with each other. We also see how much Elias comes to love Ruth, and vice versa. They aren’t just two males tied together by their mutual love for one young woman (one romantic and one brotherly)...but they develop a respect and affection for each other as individuals. 

One of my favorite panels is this one picture of Ruth, completely relaxed in a very vulnerable position belly up, snuggled in between Chise and Elias in his bed. It’s such a nostalgic image for me. My own good boy used to love to jump up on the bed and squeeze himself in between mommy and daddy, exactly like that. Not a care in the world - he just wanted to be touching his favorite people…to love and be loved, to protect and be protected. Ruth may have provoked the fae side of Elias to jealousy, but he’s instrumental in helping to heal and grow Elias’ human soul. After all, unconditional love is what dogs do best.

[windupaidoneus]

maybe a crazy thing to say but i do wish g'raha was a character that gets more personal exploration. like. how uniquely... odd... perhaps isolating it must feel, to have lived all these things yet only be the same 24 y/o you were when you walked into the tower to slumber. that surely must lead to identity issues of sorts. a fear of legitimacy regarding being who he even is. i wonder if there are times krile can't quite recognise him despite knowing full well it is him. i wonder if he notices

[therealraewest]

Marc's friends calling him Mr. Knight at his request in the Lemire run

Vs Marlene in the 2022 annual

[thefluxsystem]

DID is really fucking annoying to have, actually.

Yeah yeah, friends in your head, pre-installed found family, lifelong teammates, fun innerworld/headspace interactions, good and dandy. Genuinely, those are the only parts of all this I take any comfort in.

The rest of it, though?

There’s no point “living each day to the fullest”, because I’ll forget it by tomorrow. I have to take notes on my own life like I’m studying for a final exam solely to exist. I have to write down every appointment, every task, write down whenever I eat for fucksake, because “I” might not be here in 20 minutes and whoever comes next cannot remember what I’ve done. We’ve tried.

It’s near impossible to maintain relationships because, even though most people don’t know what is wrong with me, they can tell something’s off. Even if I do make friends, everyone in my system has such messed up attachment styles that I sometimes wonder how we have anyone.

Those who get it don’t even truly get it. I have been in and out of therapy for over 12 years, and I’ve spent most of that time learning with the professionals. This disorder has effective treatment, yet so few know anything about that, or about the disorder in general. It’s horrifying.

I adore “the people in my head”, they’ve done so much for me, for us, but it wasn’t supposed to be this way. We were supposed to be one. I was supposed to be just I.

As much as I don’t have time to think about it— I have a life to live, I have to keep going— it’s still there. Always an active part of me, voices and thoughts that aren’t my own commenting on every little thing I do. Because, even though I wish it weren’t the case, anything I do affects them, too.

I have never lived my life for myself and I never will. It’s beautiful, in a way. It just was meant to be different.

I was meant to be different.

[twowivestwoknives]

not to DID post on main (we got @moshpit-sys for that) but any other hosts feel like they were the Wrong Choice for host and are just chugging through life like

"the little engine that fucking has to?"

[burinazar]

while this is a useless thought, it is annoying to me that i've been studying japanese for two years and not, like, ten or twenty. because it really would have made a lot of sense for me to start learning japanese much, much earlier. like, to take it in high school, instead of spanish, since our school did have japanese classes available. it really would have made so much sense!

why didn't i do that???? i already had acquired interest in medias and hobbies that (especially at the time) there wasn't as much info in english on, like even then i was interested titles and hobbies that didn't have a ton of fandom in english

however, i had not acquired sentience, or something, so i didn't.

("i had not acquired sentience" is my funny way to observe how many times i can look back at my life and go "why did i do/not do that? what was i thinking? actually i remember the answer, i wasn't thinking")

yeah yeah, i know, "the best time to do it was ten years ago, the second best time is now", yeah, i am doing it now, but the 'Was I Not Sentient???' thing also legitimately bothers me because i don't know if i've learned my lesson and Become Sentient yet. what will i at forty years old be looking back at my current self wishing i had Been Sentient enough to think to do???

[townofcrosshollow]

Was talking to my partner about BPD and I mentioned that BPD and DID have almost exactly the same symptoms and they were like "What no that's not true" so I looked it up and the first thing I see is a person with DID complaining about the DSM because BPD and DID have almost exactly the same symptoms

[quatregats]

This scanned really really badly but I had to draw Ander forcing Mats to reenact this video with him because I think he would think it was the funniest thing ever

[vee-lociraptor]

extremely messed up that covid can have long term mental side effects they don’t tell you about actually