#some are thanks to my uni days
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a dream too big
#im never happy a day in my life actually thanks for asking#leaving the flowers only as blobs kinda pained me but i need to unclench once in a while#and that means not overworking everything all the time lol#trigun is giving me great inspo for that for some reason#uploading stuff on my kofi soon btw i didn't forget i'm just sick#pls buy my stuff i'm a starving uni student#trigun#trigun stampede#trigun fanart#trigun stampede fanart#vash#vash the stampede#trigun nai#nai#tristamp#vash the stampede fanart#trigun vash#trigun nai fanart#trigun vash fanart#fanart#digital art#my art
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I think some of y'all (people in uni) were never 15 and read, "we accept the love we think we deserve" and sobbed while reading perks of being a wallflower and it shows
#gift giving is not a competition to some of us bestie#love is not conditional#dont make me overwhelmed by making our mutual friends bday a fucking competition#thank god her best friend also agrees and we are both her best friends so we know#but just why are people so#like this insecurity with love is so insane#people who want to see your love will see your love at the end of the day and if they don't keep being the lighthouse around please#anyway in other good news spoke to the cool batchmate i always wanted to talk more with and she was also like bro i love having convos with#you lets hangout and so we ate dinner walked and talked about history partition cultural stories my ex friend's bisexuality crisis which was#so similar to hers also takked about my cultural crisis family stories her firefly house urdu poetry her boyfriend my career pospects#so yayy i guess but so tired presentation was good prof questioned a lot cause he literally knows my source text authors its his friend in#uni and this girl said he'll take us out for drinks on last day of course so yayyyyyyy#my roomie and her bf constantly talk eh that is but i am gonna shower play my playlist till i sleep#today has been something but atleast i will have dinner with a new person tomorrow as well so yayyyy#life is just being very overwhelmed lately and i just hope people i love know that i love them and i am missing them even though#they live a floor above from me or live miles away too actually#eni life stories
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vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.
#medical stuff cw#i sat on the steps instead of taking their seat#vent cw#i have to take five different pills a day excluding birth control which i also take for health reasons but okay#i have to thank italy for its healthcare system because at least i dont have to pay a fuckton for all that stuff. except birthcontrol.#as i may have mentioned they found quite a bit of blood in my piss so im getting tested for ✨️cancer✨️#also because i've been having health issues which might be rated#my blood work is all off but i didnt get tested for tumoral cells specifically because i may have 'just' an autoimmune condition#so im on heavy duty antibiotics too now bc i also developed antibiotic resistance last year. anyway.#i need to take those and then they'll test my peepee again but this time they will also test explicitly for tumoral cells#because something is off and my previous blood work didnt point out what exactly#terrible anemia and other slightly-off numbers that however shouldnt be off considering my lifestyle#i eat almost everything. drink plenty of water. exercise. barely smoke. not even drinking anymore. i'm not too fat nor too skinny.#so. some of the numbers that are off dont really have a reason to be off which is why they are testing my blood and piss for cancer#but like. in 3 weeks because i have to take antibiotics and iron meds (not supplements. meds.) first#so my mind's trying to convince itself that i dont have a tumor. but what if i do? i know i dont. but not knowing makes me go insane#also i have to get tested for heart disease because that motherfucker is not working properly. doesnt pump enough blood to my brain.#i took an ekg and it came back pretty normal except for tachycardia#now i have to go get an holter ekg - but was told to wait until uni starts again bc i need that exam to be done when i have a daily routine#so basically they slap electrodes and shit on me for 24 hrs while i go do my shit around the city and then see how my heart behaved#because i cant stand without struggling to breathe and sometimes it happens when in laying down to.#sometimes i cant fall asleep because i cant breathe#at first the doc thought it might be a reflux issue but not. all good on that front.#so. we'll see. and i mean. i KNOW it's not cancer. like. i'd be dead by now bc i've been having these symptoms for five months#however. i dont know if it's not an autoimmune disease. and if it is? what am i gonna do?
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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this is weird and overly personal but blogging about it anyway. i started a silly project at the end of may this year to exercise every single day (with small exceptions for exams etc) until the first sleep token show - idk why i chose that (i do, it was 'do it for vessel') but having a finite goal is so much easier to work towards than 'i will continue this habit for the rest of my life'. long story short i've done it and i'll continue on even though the first show has passed (do it for papa v this time?) but just saw myself in the mirror in the hotel i'm staying at for the next ritual and jdbdhjdbdj i've got some defined muscle i didn't have this time six months ago thank u vessel
#i don't have a huge mirror in my uni house so didn't notice but. yeah. sorry for rambling about this#just a bit thrilled#of all the great things that becoming a fan of some bands has done for me#this is the most surprising#it's not a crazy schedule btw it's just one thing per day no matter how intense#so could range from a full muay thai class to just walking to campus#it's so much easier than saying#'i will complete this specific exercise every single day no excuses'#because 'do it for vessel' has its limits#so. stayed very flexible but consistent#it wasn't for appearances#genuinely happier with that than i ever have been in my memory#(thanks copia)#just for overall health#and i do feel physically great#mentally better too now that i'm prioritising it#sorry again wow cant shut up#yeah im . jdbdjd :')#been quite a day of doing new things#and it just hit me that i've stayed consistent for 6 months#with visible proof that i didn't intend#and genuinely without a shred of doubt it's all because of vessel#i think i must have seen how healthy he's looking nowadays and thought wow <3 wish that were me#now it's beginning to be#bye to the engineering stick muscles jdbdjdhd
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the urge to write vs the urge to create a sim and make them a famous best selling author to live through vicariously
#writing is painful because i have to read it and physically cringe#playing sims is easy 😎😎😎👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻#i usually cheat and give them high skills and promote them but id do it propperrllyy this once#until i got impatient lmfao#or i could actually write but thats just 💀💀#i have some uni work to do but uh no#creative writing uni work i mean#one of my modules is fairytales ive gotta rewrite a fairytale for my assignment but i dont wanna#she wanted us to be creative with the fairytale we picked so i picked some random niche one from hans christain anderson called the rose elf#its actually so slay theres a murder lmao#and in my rewrite im turning the couple into lesbians because double slay#and also im giving the girl some lines and autonomy because in the original she meets up with her bf who gets murdered by her brother then#she cries for days then dies in her sleep from sadness so 💀💀 homegirl is gonna fight back for her GIRLFRIEND in my one <3 shell still cry#just she is not dying from sadness padme style okay she knows it was the brother but doesnt confront him in the original shes gonna be#kicking and screaming in mine plz and thank you#okay maybe i should write#sims 4#writing
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Finally graduated haha let's go 🥹
#im scheduling this when the ceremony is over just cause#but yeah um wow. can't believe it actually#desperately trying not to cry while typing this haha thing hasn't even started#but i think this is the first time in a while i genuinely feel proud of myself. like fuck me i did it#4 years was a wild ride but here i am!! and yeah im scared about the future but rn im just here with my paper#i also realized that yeah ive been on Tumblr as long as ive been in uni#which is crazy can't believe ive been on here for 4 years (roughly)#but for all the shit that i dislike about this site and as much as it drives me nuts#i do wanna say ive met some wonderful people on here! ive made some friends 🥹#and yeah i haven't kept up with all of them something im so so guilty about#but i wouldn't be where i am without this blog like unironically#so yeah thank you gay people in my phone you've helped me a lot. more than i care to admit#hope y'all have a great day <33#thanks for reading my sappy ass tags on Tumblr 😅
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i am very fond of my professor as i am sure you all have picked up on at this point but if he keeps talking about my hypothetical doctorate i am going to hit him with my shoe
#i am a second year undergraduate. i barely even know what taxes are.#i don't need a five minute lecture about my future in academia i need to curl up in a ball and take a long nap and have a few free days#to do exploratory reading and figure out what i need to do NOW for my UNDERGRAD dissertation#aughgh. Augh this is such a stupid thing to feel bad about I should be ecstatic about it and I am but it's so.#it's not even really his fault i think he's earnestly trying to be encouraging it's just maybe too genuine rn#i love you. thank you for believing in me. shut the fuck upppppppppp#had this exchange on monday and it is genuinely stressing me out so much as if there isn't ENOUGH pressure#to perform well academically at this stupid ass university just generally now this specific guy thinks i am some kind of prodigy#academia is such a scam. god. like i'll do it but i'm going to be complaining about it the whole time#uni adventures
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fic talk in the tags 💝
#aaaaaaaa i have only 4 stores left to write for the advent calendar and then i'm done?! 😭#i can't believe it guys i might actually be able to pull this off 👀#i've literally just winged it day after day with minimal planning#and i haven't even had a breakdown once? gonna knock on wood here real quick lol#i've had so much fun writing all these little stories too 🥺 and i'm fairly satisfied with them as well! yes!! me!! my biggest critic!!#i'm not gonna be writing anything for a while after i get these last ones done though lol i've written SO MUCH during these past weeks#however i did write down a short piece of dialogue in finnish the other day 👀#like. literally 11 words and idk if i'm ever gonna write more but those words just...came to me so i had to write them down somewhere#(it has been peer-reviewed as 'perfect' (thanks eetu <3) and you can totally slide in my DMs if you're curious)#and the college/uni au i've been playing with practically all autumn is something i definitely want to give a try#(so far i only have some random notes and moodboards 😅)#but whatever i'll end up writing i'll do it because i want to and that's what's important 🤍#thank you so much everyone who has been reading these stories or any of my fics this year#i really am not expecting anyone to read my stories and i'm happy if even just one person does 🥺#okay sappy talk over now back to writing byeeeeee#*stories
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hi ♡ i guess i'm back? 🥹
here's a little life update! i think you guys deserve it after my absence that lasted longer than even i expected it to last ;( i am very sorry about that. i miss everyone here and bangtan so much, you have no idea. the reason for all that is that for the past months i have been going through a lot of things and changes in my life. there were good and bad things happening, time flies extra fast, days melt into one and i didn't even notice the past half a year pass. although i think my absence was unavoidable in these circumstances i just thought that you guys deserve to know what's been up with me for the past months haha i have received a lot messages and reminders that people remember about me and that they miss me and i just want to send all of you my biggest apologies for leaving you for so long with no response, as well as all my love and gratitude! 🥺 i think i've been always fairly transparent on here so if anyone wanted to know more I'll leave some more details in the tags but basically I just hope that soon i will be able to become more active again and respond to messages ❤️❤️❤️ i hope everyone is doing great 🥰
#honestly... it was yoongi's comeback that made it happen. that made me have motivation to come back. i didnt expect it but here we are LOL#because for the past months i have been struggling a lot and i almost lost all the connections with my friends family and bangtan#i lost all my feelings and thoughts#i didnt miss anyone i didnt want to do anything i didnt want to be anywhere. i was completely submerged into my own head#i still am. it didnt exactly get better but.. its just yoongis impact jasbhdjdjd he made me remeber a lot#in october last year i developed a very agressive eating disorder and its gotten a lot worse at the begging of this year#and it has taken everything from me. it sucked me dry and still continues to do so. it made my mental health so much worse on every level#but im still here and thats what matters in the end right ❤️#from the good things - after long unfortunate and very stressful job hunting i finally got a stable job 🥰 and i continue my uni so far#that's why i was absent here most of the time. i decided to focus on my life and on trying to change something and to fight a little more#after jin's enlistment announcement... it was a wake up call for me#and maybe soon i will be back on track but im taking things slow. especially that its not easy for me at all#but i just wanted you to know that theres been a lot happening here so ❤️ im not just getting bored of tumblr and bts haha#i never stopped following the fandom i never turned off my notifications from media i never stopped looking up what they're up to each day#i just didnt have time and motivation to be active. because of my health i wanted to be quiet and away from eveyone and everything :/#even from my comfort people and activities#that sounds sad but. it's alright so please don't worry about me ❤️ I'm holding on just fine. got used to some things ❤️ trying to heal#so yeah i think thats that haha i think its enough and all basically#it may seem like very little but my life has always been very slow when it comes to big actions haha#anyway. love you all so much ❤️ thank you for not forgetting about me ❤️#soon i will try to answer some mesdages from my inbox. please wait for me just a little bit more ❤️ im very overworked right now#but im so sorry that you have to wait so long ❤️
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To the most beautiful and smartest woman I know,
I noticed you have been a lot more drained as of late. I know you're working hard and I'm very proud of you! You're doing amazing things and you continue to dazzle me.
But let me spoil you okay? Please lean on me, I'll be happy to look after you, you know?
Yours,
Liam Evans
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA you can spoil me all you want 🥹 i love you so so so so so much 😭💗 thank you so much for these sweet words
#ANON THANK YOU YOU LITERALLY MADE MY DAY#i was in a lame mood because of some stuff that happened at uni but now i’m so happy 🥺#my lovely kitty#💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗#💌: bicaya mailbox#loving liam hours
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Fucking hell I am going to have A WEEK
#my bff' bd is 29th and i wanna make them a cake myself which means i gotta find all the ingredients on our fucked up little mass market#and then not fuck up the recipe which alright i baked that thing before. ONCE. AND IT ALMOST WAS A DISASTER.#luckily my bff's sister is helping me with that and she's buying the easy to find products so that's nice and appreciated#and i won't have to grate like. seven large carrots all by myself. that would be unfortunate#<- girl who did EXACTLY that last year#i also need to get a boclx for the cake and i wanna decorate it so it isn't just. A Box#and then in the evening me and her sister will go to our mutual friend who's organising all this shit and all three of us are gonna#creepily show up at my bff's window at midnight before her birthday with this cake. we're taking a taxi THANK GOD i hated transporting#a cake through public transport to the other end of the city last time#and then we spend the night at my bff's apartment before going back to oir mutual friend's place spending all day there and potentially ALSO#staying the night and THEN! do you know what happens then? then i go take a PE exam at my uni :)#also before all that i gotta finish some things i have a deadline for at the end of the month. which im supposed to be doing now but#guess what#im typing this instead#because im a whiny bitch okay my social battery is going to be DEAD after this. and i mean completely fucking fried#good luck to me ig#it's all worth it cuz i love my bff#but god am i glad they don't have Tumblr because they aint supposed to know our asses are planning something >:)#cruci shitpost
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Sweet questions and Pulp’s Underwear stuck in my head
#thank you professor babidge#I had a very healthy day today for the first time in a month maybe#did some uni work (!). spoke to friends. had my wall and sat in the park. made dinner. drank my two cups of tea#had my walk*#feeling tired at 11pm#iuput#pulp underwear
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thank u for giving this lil blog lots of love even though i'm not as active as i used to be 🥰
#very much surprised to still see it growing and to still be receiving messages/asks even though i've been away for a bit#sorry i've been unable to answer them i promise to get to them very soon!! i appreciate all of them more than you'd ever know 🥹#people on main might not have noticed bc that one's running on a queue that goes on for 2 months at a time but dndndjjd#also don't think i explicitly mentioned the reason why i've been pretty ia but it's because uni and my other orgs are meeting-#-face to face now again#it's also my final semester in uni!! think i'm graduating with latin honors <33#life has been very busy and i really missed coming on here to hang out with everyone and create lil somethings 🥹#thank you very much for sticking with me all this time!! <3#just giving you all a bit of a life update in case u were wondering where i was hehe#though idk if ppl will even see/read this 😭#but if ure still here and u got to this part thank u again and ily <33 hope the days r increasingly kind to u & that today is a v good one!!#if not here r some flowers 🌹🌸💐����🌷🌻🌼🪷#and candies!! 🍭🍬#or hugs if you'd like them better 🤗🤗🫂🫂#hope u all know i'm always just here if u need a friend (even if we haven't talked b4)!! i'm just a bit slow with replies hehe#anyway#thank u again everyone <33 it's so nice to see all of u again!!#i'll try to come on here a lot more 🥰#y.txt
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I can't fckn believe I'm getting sucked into Dream SMP fandom 3 years too late and some 4 months afters it's ended 💀💀💀
#what even is my life#I swear those 3 years ago I could watch these streams for hours because ✨online classes✨ both in high school and in uni#but I kinda don't have so much time anymore#anyways thank god for those insanely good animatics for dream smp that bullied me by their beauty to join the fandom#It's been some 10 days since then and the amount of fanfiction animations and stream compilations I devoured is ungodly#also I have a new father#all hail dadza#dream smp#dsmp
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aha...one of my eric gifs was used in some war-torn the little mermaid discourse tweets and it inspired me to reminisce on my tumblr giffing days and omg...it might not be something i can go back to now and that’s ok but it was so much fun owning and creating things for this blog
#idk if anyone i was mutuals with is still on here 😭#so wild how much has changed for me#but i hold the 2017-2019 days w such love bc i was so much younger and going through such a painful time and making those gifs#and having that community meant so much to me#like i'm 19 and going off to uni this september wtf#i still treasure the memories of the friends i made on here too#farah and tea😭#one thing is for sure tho i'm so glad tumblr never got to see my heartbroken phase bc the normal people gifsets would've been crazy!#i'd love to gif again while i have some this summer but i honestly don't know if people still use tumblr...#but anyway i love that i had this blog back then and if u ever used to send me those cute asks or reblog my gifs raaaaah thank u so much
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