#social media can be really fucking miserable sometimes

[asthevermincrawls]

wasn't really going to talk about the ls dunes fiasco since I don't really post about mcr that much anymore, but it kind of ties into something that's been bothering me for a while, which is how much social media plays a role in obsessive fan behaviour

the most obsessive fans always have a close knit circle urging them on and encourage behaviour that anyone outside that circle would see as unacceptable. when people base all their social interactions and relationships around any one singular thing--be it a support group, subculture, or fandom--these communities become more and more insular, and bad behaviour can easily go unchecked.

if any one person where to try and take a step back, either to take a break or object to obsessive or unhealthy behaviour, they risk losing their entire social network, and so the group self reinforces. this isn't helped by the fact that bad, shocking, or outrageous behaviour gets far more attention. fans feel the need to outdo each other in order to stay relevant and funny: "wow, he has such a nice smile. im really happy for them, they seem to be having a lot of fun this tour" gets a lot less attention than "i want to get him pregnant."

don't get me wrong, there's nothing really wrong with jokes like that. i've even made a few of them myself (hello, op of the post comparing frank's bald head to an eos lipbalm here. that still haunts me btw). the problem is that their success inspires some people to push the jokes even further. and over time, without taking time away from the fandom or engaging in other interests, stupid jokes turn into talking to the members inappropriately on social media or digging into their personal lives and childhoods to find new "content" to post in order to stay relevant. this is the exact kind of behaviour which can feed in to the feeling of entitlement that lead to someone camping out outside the ls dunes tour bus for hours

the only solution i can think of is to just. log off once and a while. get other interests, get into other artists, get friends that aren't into mcr. go for a walk once and a while, geez. i know it can be hard, but its so much more rewarding. speaking from personal experience, you dont have to get to the point of stalking famous people for online fandom to have become unhealthy for you.

unfollow people! follow other people who post about a different interest or hobby that you want to get into! make an effort to spend less time on social media! take up reading, knitting, painting etc! fandom will still be there when you get back, but you'll be able to engage with it in a lot more healthy way

[monzamash]

lando norris x you — “I want to count every one of your freckles with my lips.” requested by @percervall

“You need to at least look like you want to be here, Lando.”

Nobody really wanted to be back at the factory, especially in the middle of what was meant to be a much-needed break. But the big bosses thought it would "boost team morale" to see their star drivers scouring the hallowed halls, and a perfect dose of social media buzz to tide over the dedicated fans – a crumb for the diehards.

Lando had pushed back, insisting that his summer reset and the teams break away from the madness was more important than a couple of media bites, more important for the soul in the long run. He lost that battle miserably over a 2 minute phone call with Zak and found himself here, sat on a block of concrete looking up at you with tired eyes, a scrunched nose and a scowl on his pursed lips.

“Don’t wanna be here though.”

He was in a mood.

“Neither do I but we’re working and I don’t feel like being scolded by your boss sooo…” You stepped forward and held his heavy head in your hands, “Put a smile on your pretty face and get on with it so we can go home, please?”

Lando sighed, internally battling with his blatant distaste for having to put on an act but he would do it for you – his manager, his friend. He would do it for you because you asked; he would do anything if you asked, no question. There really wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for you.

“Fine but I’m only doing it for you because you shouldn’t be here rotting away as well,” He huffed and stood up from the hard concrete he had been sitting on for the past 10 minutes, hoping nobody would come looking for him.

But of course you did.

“I know you are and I love you for that.”

“Love you too.”

He would always blush a little when you said it, immediately trying to distract you with a nudge or a head ruffle but this time he grabbed your shoulders and massaged the tense muscles in your neck as you lead him back to the cafeteria.

You said it too often for friends – that dreaded L word, and too often for business partners. But you said it causally in conversation or when he would cook you dinner after a long day at work. Sometimes you said it during the no strings attached sex you had mutually agreed to, long ago. It would slip out without the other knowing, in the rush of it all – purely accidental and meaningless. That’s what you would always tell yourself and it’s what Lando saw as a challenge.

He loved you then, and he loved you now.

Without warning, Lando changed course and tugged you into a dark room – the only light beaming from the phone in his hand. We have heaps of time, he whispered and pressed his body against yours, back pinned to a soft, cushioned wall. Maybe it was a podcast studio you pondered before your lips were seized, all thoughts of your strange surroundings disappearing into his affection.

It was a breathless kiss, spiked with starvation and anticipation; it was something that Lando had wanted to do all day, watching you strut around the place he loved the most – his home away from home. You belonged in his world, perfectly poised and charming; everyone eating out of the palm of your hand. He laughed when you said that all you wanted was to blend into the crowd when in reality, you were the main event.

You always were to him.

“Fuck, you drive me insane.” Lando’s voice was barely a whisper, raspy and only for your ears.

“Honey, you showed up in the baggy jeans I have been begging you to wear and I drive you insane? Get out of my face…” You retort, pushing him away playfully before tugging him back by the jumper.

“Hmm, so you’re sayin’ we’re even?” his question was muffled by his mouth tracing your jawline, teeth dangerously grazing your neck, threatening to leave his mark.

“Don’t push it, Norris or I will kill you.” You warned.

“But what if I want to count every one of your freckles with my lips?”

He asked the question such sincerity that it sent chills down the spine he was caressing, inching you further and further into his grip with every kiss. Holding you so tight, you could barely breathe – every sharp inhale laced with his cologne, spritzed hours ago and lingering on the tips of his curls that tickled your skin.

A frayed moan rumbled in your throat, knowing you couldn’t let him devour every inch of he claimed because his actions had humiliating consequences. But god it felt so good when his tongue followed the slope of your neck, his question still tumbling around in your absent mind before you were plunged into bright light.

Lando’s head snapped to his left, yours following suit to find a familiar face – one you weren’t thrilled to see but given the current circumstance; flushed cheeks and a moment away from giving in to your carnal desire – it wasn’t the worst.

“Thought I would find you two here.”

The Australian accent thrummed off the soundproofed walls, “To be fair, not the worst spot for a quickie but a bit obvious, mate.”

“Thank you Oscar for the feedback,” Lando quipped and patted his teammate on the shoulder before exiting the room with your hand tangled with his.

“Any time!” He sang back and gave you the first genuine smile you’d seen all day.

Because like Lando, he didn’t want to be here – nobody did. But the devilish smirk and wink over the shoulder from the man holding your hand made it a worthy cause. It was never squandered time when you were with him, not even a second.

And you had the rest of the summer to waste away together.

lmk your thoughts, as always! + more birthday celebration blurbs coming soon...

[starlightseraph]

final (long) thoughts about the rpf debacle, as i’ve finally blocked all the major accounts involved

regarding david and michael: they seem like two great guys with great chemistry, and they appear to really care for each other. the nature of their connection, their happiness in their relationships, the details of their personal lives, etc are not for any of us to say. we certainly don't need to analyse every thing they do and every flick of their eyes or use 20 year old tabloid bits to create a story about them being trapped and potentially abused and "clearly" wanting to leave their partners so they can fuck. no one dislikes the theorising because it's m/m, anyone who does has issues to work through. 99% of us dislike it because it's invasive, done without any knowledge of the boundaries or comfort of the people it's about.

regarding georgia: idc what other people say, i think she can actually act. i think it's unlikely that my opinion is biased, given that i actually became aware of her before i even knew who david was (merlin, i was 11). do i think she's the greatest actress who's ever lived? no. do i want to fall at her feet to praise every word she types on her ig? no. to me, her public personality is pretty cool and likeable, and she certainly uses her platform for good things. i don't see evidence that david has an issue with the social media stuff that georgia does, maybe a bit of playful annoyance, but nothing too serious. she does actually say good things about him, quite often. when she says things that could be deemed insulting, it’s nothing unique to david, she does that with practically everyone she posts about. i see absolutely no reason to believe that she's abusive, a baby trapper, that her children dislike her, or that david is miserable with her. i genuinely feel that her "stalker" comments were jokes. based on what she and david have said, it sounds like she was acting like anyone with a crush would, texting the object of her affections and wanting to hang out. in my community, completely normal behaviour is called stalkery, just to poke fun at someone for having a crush, sometimes done in a self-deprecating way. as for the peter davison story and its inconsistencies, idk what to make of that. the claims that she got her "david" tattoo right after they met and that she changed ty's name without input from david are completely unfounded. I've seen no evidence for the name bit, and i've actually found evidence against the tattoo story. i'm not proud of it, but i did go digging through paparazzi photos, and she doesn't actually have the tattoo until later. no one, not even the tabloids, seems to have anything about an open relationship or them not going steady before getting married. the first actual records of those rumours is in the blogs that say the rumours have been around for nearly 20 years. all the "evidence" for these last few things that i've seen cited (or even very boldly linked) is from the trashiest of trashy blog sites with 2004-level web design. i take them with a grain of salt, given that not even the daily mail repeats their stories.

regarding anna: i'm ambivalent towards her. i don't see any obvious great talent as an actress or model, but she also hasn't really done anything that has the opportunity to showcase ability in those fields. i also don’t think she has never before seen levels chemistry with the others, but, again, we’ve hardly seen anything. the claims that she got pregnant through a one night stand seem more widely acknowledged, so maybe that was the case. if that is what happened, i have a few things to say. firstly, did neither of these grown adults have birth control? the baby trapping claims imply that she deliberately sabotaged it, which is an incredibly serious claim that we are in no position to make. within this story, michael apparently met her at an acting school graduation and they hooked up. she would've been in her early-mid 20s and he would have been almost 50… the rpf blogs say that they have no personal bias against georgia and anna, and that they're perfectly willing to call david and michael out on their bullshit, yet (to my knowledge) they haven't said anything about this. if they're really so concerned with the truth, and they believe the graduation hookup story, why not call michael out for it?? they were both adults and while i do believe that healthy relationships with a large age gap are possible, it’s still a bit weird given how they would’ve met. also, there are have been lots of (unconfirmed and contested) allegations that michael is a serial cheater, so what makes these blogs think that he wouldn't also cheat on david in this fantasy world view of theirs? i know that at least 2 of the major blogs believe the cheating stories. i believe that people can be bettered no matter what they've done and that they should get chances, but assuming that he wouldn't cheat in this singular situation seems pretty biased to me.

bottom line, we don't know! this is exactly what i’ve said since the beginning, that we have absolutely no place in these people's lives outside of admiring their accomplishments and supporting their work. please, everyone, chill. by all means, write fun stories on ao3 using the likenesses of david and georgia and michael and anna! i find it uncomfortable, but i don't have real moral objections to fiction that is only intended as fiction. i’ve previously said that we don't have a problem with the georgia/anna shipping jokes because they're jokes, and one of the pf blogs said that it was serious because of an ao3 slash fanfic and that we were only fine with it because it was f/f. correction, we were fine with that because it was purely and entirely fictional. not being presented was an investigation into real life.

i've seen lots of these blogs saying that a video of david and michael having sex could be released and the we'd find a way to brush it off or discount it. flipping this and applying it back, i think that david and michael could hold a press conference declaring that they're not in a relationship, and the blogs would work around it, claiming beards and façades.

quick warning to everyone, digital footprint exists. one blog in particular very casually displays her identity, and someone could easily send her graphic sex stories and claims of abuse about real strangers to potential employers or event hosts. this isn't a threat, i really can't be arsed, but it's something to be aware of, that these things can have real life repercussions.

i want to clarify that the only reason i would be bummed if the theories were true is because it would mean that all four of them would have lived in unhappiness. i don’t dislike the theories, while they do claim a variety of disturbing things that i certainly hope aren’t true, because i want to pretend that everything is perfect. it’s the extreme parasocial obsession and complete lack of any boundaries that i object to.

the conspiracy story had been told many times, every single group of devotees to a public figure or piece of media weaves and incredible web of false evidence and imagined narratives. maybe you think that you're actually right this time, that you've become privy to a truth. maybe you are right. but to believe undeterred that this time it’s different and your theories are true is just wishful thinking. if everything is true, great for you, i guess, your favs have been miserable for years, but at least you were right, yeah? it’s a fucking insane mindset to have. until they confirm or deny, you don't get to tell their story for them.

[aro-bird]

I do have to say, as someone on the camp of "you could probably ship someone else who isn't non-partnering but honestly I don't care as long as you don't harass people over this", I think it's lost on some people that the reason why so many non-partnering aroaces may become defensive over these characters even if "it's just fandom" is the fact that a lot of aroaces who do fit these stereotypes and who may fall into this camp genuinely had horrible experiences about their social circles and yes, especially this fandom site, harassing them and saying they don't exist or that they're mentally ill and should "get fixed" among other things.

As common it is to see aspecs here on Tumblr, the queer social media site, you need to understand that there's still a lot of contempt for aroaces outside and inside this place. Hell, I received an ask calling aros and aces delusional just last Christmas Day 2023 that came with a wave of increased arophobia around that time. As much as that time period was definitely discourse against aroallo men, aphobes did not cherry pick on who they're sending hate to.

Besides this, a lot of non-partnering aroaces often receive this kind of dismissal in real life too and as much as some people may think it's not a big deal, it definitely fucks up your brain when people say you and your experiences not only don't matter but you are doomed to live a lonely and miserable life if you don't find someone. Even my otherwise very supportive relatives expressed this concern and it's absolutely out of care but it's fucking damaging to constantly hear that I will die alone if I don't find a partner (romantic, platonic, or otherwise).

This is besides dismissals like this or even non-acceptance had literally barred me from mental health care when I was a teenager because my specialist said I had a "distressed sexuality" and had specialists focused on that aspect rather than all my other issues.

The shipping of a non-partnering (typically romance repulsed or uninterested) character feels like another form of dismissal for someone like me, like my sexuality is not good enough or serious enough to be respected. The shipping of these characters sometimes reinforce the narrative that non-partnering aroace people can't find happiness on their own and do need someone (romantic, platonic, or otherwise) to be happy or they will become happier if they do find this someone. People are having fun with their ships but there are still many people who don't want to spend the time actually extending grace and understanding towards me and my experiences. I'm just another discourse topic and someone who's inconvenient to some of them.

This doesn't even account for how these fan communities aren't just filled with aspec people and do extend to allos who may take some of the discourse and actively apply it in real life to other real life aspec people. People who go and interact with real human beings and may hurt them or harass them. It isn't even accounting for the fact that even online things affect real people too.

Of course, I do understand that a lot more complex aspec identities often don't get the spotlight so they may express themselves through shipping fandom characters but non-partnering people should deserve more than these people isn't really the point of this post.

The point here is that there's a reason why a lot of non-partnering (typically repulsed or uninterested) aroace people get defensive about these things even in fan communities and it's very likely that it's because aphobia and especially against the stereotypical aroace™ still very much exist outside of our little community and they can be informed by media and the fans that consume it and this shit could genuinely have negative consequences. This of course extends to those who do have complex aspec identities as society does not treat those who don't live up to what is expected as "normal" in terms of romantic relationships and sexual attraction kindly.

Distancing yourself from these aroaces who do have frustrations with how media and fandom treat their sexuality because they're being "prudes" or are just affected by "purity culture" is unhelpful to say the least and honestly veers eerily close to shit I hear aphobes say about us.

Absolutely do stop people and block them if they're instigating and participating in harassment over shipping of all things, even these aroaces, but trying to say that every person who do have issues with shipping aroace characters are the same way with this is extremely lacking nuance and absolutely dismissive of other members of the community and why they may have the opinion they hold.

[freeuselandonorris]

☰ for Monday, with the “who did this to you” trope? Love your fics <33

(from the fic ask game)

HI ANON i am so sorry this has taken me a million years to answer, i started weirdly overthinking it??

my understanding of the ‘who did this to you?’ trope is it’s very hurt/comfort-centric, which is not a genre i write very often (hence probably why i overthought this for so long lmao).

if i was to approach a remix of monday from this angle i think i’d like to do it from lando POV and explore more of why he’s so insecure and why it takes him so long to trust that oscar genuinely really likes him and isn’t just looking for a quick fuck to take the edge off. there’d be more of a focus on lando’s past relationships and in particular how he went from being a slightly nerdy kid (like, he looked twelve until he was about twenty) to suddenly being a millionaire heartthrob with a huge social media following. but he also self-describes as a simp (in the lando norris vs slang video) and clearly wants to be in a “real” relationship rather than just fucking about, so i’d look at what happened to him to make him so cautious with his heart.

proooobably this would end up with past dando or carlando? i have a mild aversion to carlos so i’d probably go for fuckboy daniel ngl.

i think it’d take oscar quite a long time to actually get round to asking lando what happened — partly because he’s got a bit of an attitude of “well, lando will tell me in his own time if it’s important to him” but also because there’s a bit of him that doesn’t really want to know, especially because he’s got a pretty good idea it involves another driver. he’d probably bring it up pretty idly, in the end — lando would make some veiled comment about how netflix would have creamed their collective pants if they’d known the half of it while oscar’s scrolling past DTS trying to find something to watch, and oscar would very casually… actually, y’know what.

Lando feels Oscar go still next to him and mentally kicks himself. Might’ve known Oscar wouldn’t let that one drop.

“So are you, like.” Oscar wets his lips and shifts on the bed, curling up so Lando’s tucked further into his chest. Lando presses himself back, drawing Oscar’s arm around him. “I dunno. Did something happen? With Dan.”

Lando closes his eyes, considers his options. It’s tempting to squirm back against Oscar’s body, press his arse into his crotch and slip Oscar’s hand under the hem of his T-shirt until he forgets the line of questioning, forgets he was saying anything at all. It’s mad, really, the way he responds: Lando only has to pull his shirt up, bite his lip a certain way, and he’ll have Oscar distracted and reaching for him, even now. It’s been months. Lando’s experienced it before, that first flush of desire when he can use his body to control how someone feels about him. It rarely lasts, though, once the novelty wears off.

Which is sort of the point.

He sighs, aware it sounds a bit huffy, and picks up his phone so he can flick through his notifications while he speaks. “I mean, I guess? It was just stupid, though.”

Oscar breathes behind him, slow and deliberate. He hums into Lando’s hair, strokes a thumb over the ticklish spot on Lando’s waist, the dip just above the ridge of muscle that delineates his hip.

Lando swipes through notifs from Discord, Instagram, iMessage, WhatsApp, Reddit, Sky Sport. Dismissing each without seeing it. He laughs, and it comes out all wrong, harsh in the back of his throat and defensive. God. Wet as fuck. “It was just — I mean, he was fucking miserable, you saw him. So I guess he just wanted a pick-me-up, y’know.”

“Right,” Oscar says, voice unreadable. He’s so fucking blank sometimes. Lando fights the urge to turn round and scrutinise his face, opens his emails instead and starts deleting anything that doesn’t look vital.

“He said,” Lando says, aiming to deliver it as a joke. “‘I’m straight, but I bet you suck dick like a girl anyway’. Like. What does that even mean?”

Oscar’s thumb stills, just for a moment, then resumes its slow path. “I know that’s offensive, but I can’t tell if it’s sexist or homophobic or both.”

Lando makes a disgruntled sound of agreement. “Yeah, well, whatever. It was — whatever. Wasn’t anything.”

“You said,” Oscar says mildly. “But I can see why you’d… Why it’d make you cautious.”

Lando sighs. Thinks of Luisa, showing him screenshots, her face streaked with tears. Watching the comments roll in, badly spelled threats he didn’t even bother reporting. The way Carlos never quite relaxed around him once people started tagging them in stupid ship videos. Googling how do you make someone sign an nda locked in an unfamiliar bathroom, mouth sour with vodka, head spinning. Waking up at 5am in lockdown, Max hyperventilating next to him. The girl from Raya he’d sent flowers to, trying to do the thing properly and be romantic, only to find she’d blocked him ten minutes after he got the Your package was successfully delivered email.

“It wasn’t him,” Lando says, locking his phone and putting it face down on the nightstand. He turns, tangling his legs between Oscar’s and leaning in to nip at his jaw, breathing in the familiar smell of Oscar’s basic aftershave. Oscar's arms tighten around him. His cheeks curve into a smile beneath Lando's mouth. “It doesn’t matter.”

[itsaspectrumcomic]

man ok idk if youll be able to advise on this or something but like. do you know anything regarding dealing with like internalised ableism?

i live in a rural part of ireland, right? and idk what it is about rural ireland but some of the people are heinous. my school is in a small miserable-ass town and like. God, man. not everyone sucks, of course but like. jesus lol additionally i have a ~mildly ableist~ mother (a "we're all a little bit autistic" and "erm. youre not disabled because youre not in a wheelchair or blind/deaf" etc etc type stuff. + "npd = bad person" which isnt particularly good for me specifically because i have npd (that i both Cant get an official diagnosis for, for various reasons, and im not really Looking for one either because i know what i am and its not like you get support for it because ~ooh scary narcissist~.)

and like. idk if this is Obvious but that can kinda cause a weird-ass relationship with You (being Me in this case, yk how it is with the second person perspective when. ranting) and The Concept Of Being Disabled. like, objectively. im disabled. im autistic, ive definitely got adhd (that im hopefully going to get examined for at some point cause college stuff requires it for the disability forums and stuff. gotta love that. fuckin 80% comorbidity right?), ive got a laughable number of repetative strain injuries, i have a sensory processing disorder, an endocrine disease that effects my Entire cardiovascular system, a spine that felt a lil quirky and bent in too much. so on a so forth

but also like. it feels wrong to call myself disabled. yk, like im doing a disservice to all the other ~actually~ disabled people (being Anyone but me lol) (none of this is At All helped by the fact that my mother refuses to listen to me regarding Jack Shit about my health in Any way. "oh you nearly passed out on top of a hill because of your cardiovascular condition? erm youre just not exercising enough actually" "you dont have depression [said while i was filling out an assigned mood diary after being forcefully brought to camhs for Reasons" like. shut the fuck up and Listen to me please. at least Entertain the idea that i could be right about something for fucking once lmao. cause ive been right about EVERYTHING regarding my mental health so fucking far so. fuck off /nay ofc) (also man. like, even if you ignored the physical issues ive got im still disabled on account of being autistic. like, motor function is fine, despite being a lil clumsy and/or unsteady sometimes but like. my emotional needs are Fucked. think of the response youd get if you asked a. fuckin. 8 year old or something to do algebra. but with a very emotionally stunted and traumatised 17 year old lol. lmao, even /lh)

so like. if youve got. any advice or whatever on any of this thatd be Super cool + no pressure obvs. sorry this is a whole. like. fucking essay's worth of Random Guy Complaining To You On The Internet lol

-🐢 <- just so i can find this again if you respond. i Like Turtles. i am Normal about the tmnt and also turtles The Creatures. i wont talk at length about turtle mutant anatomy (i am deceiving you)

Internalised ableism is a really hard thing to deal with, especially when you're surrounded by people who constantly re-enforce it. I've also spent a lot of time worrying that I'm not disabled 'enough' to deserve certain accommodations, that I'm making an unnecessary fuss. But the truth is, autism IS a disability and if there are accommodations that can help support you, you deserve access to them. You're not taking away from others with disabilities by advocating for yourself.

It's taken me a long time to understand this and I still worry sometimes. What has helped is talking about my experiences with people I know understand, like my therapist or best friend, and learning about the experiences of other autistic people through books, social media, YouTube and even real life.

I'm sorry your mother and others aren't being understanding - remember that's a them problem, not you, and try to spend your time with people who do understand.

🐢🐢🐢 <- the turtles wish you luck

[geographerdose]

I love finding “new” things in my natal chart, even if they’re challenging. It helps to explain things:

Lilith Sag @ 1 degree + MC Pisces @ 4 degrees= Lilith Square MC 3 degrees

And I’m sitting here wondering

Why

I always get women at work being passive aggressive towards me???

6th house Lilith, bilith. (Get with the program)

But no through scrolling this lovely social media outlet, I have learned the MC plays just as big a role in how we are perceived in this world as the AC.

I feel like it’s common knowledge by now strong Lilith energy in a natal chart makes the Native not very likeable by the common public— it’s problematic energy.

I, as someone who uses whole houses, would consider strong Lilith energy as: Lilith angular house/close aspects to AC+MC/aspects to chart ruler

It’s like the woman who just wants to mind her business and do her job, getting recognized only for the accurate, efficient work done but winds up sticking out for the wrong reasons bc those who have noticed this good work watch them, looking for anything negative they can voice to anyone who will listen.

Why? Because they are jealous.

They want to knock the Native with Lilith energy down because they’re shining a little too bright, they’re getting a little too much positive attention— and **god forbid anyone else feel good or be happy in their miserable presence. I think fucking not.**

Natives with Lilith energy can honestly be the sweetest, most genuine and polite people you’ve ever met, and someone will always be after their neck. And the thing is those after them feel so justified in being after their neck because of their perceived moral decrepitude.

I feel like for confident, self-assured people, Lilith energy is probably magnetic for the right reasons— it’s exciting and challenging, not intimidating.

Whereas for insecure, miserable victimized people, Lilith energy is like the get back they think they need— like taking down this person or ruining their reputation will suddenly make them feel vilified because of the perceived (likely inaccurate) moral judgments made on this person that they just had to “out”.

But it’s like when you don’t actually know the whole truth and you’re just flapping your gums in assumption, it’s literally gossip. And if you’re gum flapping with the intention of damaging someone’s reputation, it’s defamation. (Where are the HR policies on that, by the way?)

I just feel like those with Lilith-MC aspects have had to deal with a lot of unfairness at work and being treated poorly for literally no reason other than that they’re doing good and are likeable.

So I think it’s important for those with this to remember that when you notice people are after you more or you just really feel them after you lately, it probably means you’re doing something right.

You’re drawing their attention, whether it’s from doing extra good work lately, getting positive attention from other colleagues or even improving your appearance.

Fuck them, babe. It’s not your job to make other people feel good. It’s your job to make yourself feel good. Stop lowering yourself to get approval from people who don’t even like you. Take that as a compliment. Keep doing you, keep improving yourself, maintain your integrity, and let them burn alive with their jealousy bc you’re not stopping anytime soon, babes. 😊

Oh yeah and keep those around who aren’t intimidated by you. Those who want to and can meet you at your level. Be careful to watch out for their reactions when good things happen to you and/or when you’re improving yourself though— it can show hidden jealousy. Because sometimes people are weird and run on that antiquated 90s petty patty “keep your enemies closer” mindset so you have to be careful— snakes lurk around every corner with Lilith energy.

[duchessofostergotlands]

Loved your analysis on the possible procession of the BRF in 10 years. I’m curious how modern monarchies as a whole (in Europe and abroad) will be viewed. Most monarchies are constitutionally bound forms of government for their countries, or so steeped in the establish of the government a la the BRF that short of the second coming they aren’t going away lol. But interest can and does wane especially if cost of living crises continue in various parts of the globe and people are focused on getting through the day as opposed to whatever royal drama or event is happening that day or month. I also agree that Charlotte will have unprecedented focus on her (and also on lili as well) and I do worry for them. But that is luckily a couple decades away hopefully lol, and press and social media toxicity will have been much better regulated and controlled/ minimized.

I’ll answer the second part first because it’s shorter but I don’t think we’ve got decades, anon. Charlotte’s 9 this year, we have less than a decade! I also don’t have any reason to believe the press and social media will be better. It’ll just be horrible in a different way.

As for the first part, I don’t think you can look at monarchies "as a whole" and answer that anymore than I could answer how republics as a whole will be viewed in 10 years. You can’t really compare Thailand - an authoritarian monarchy where the King spends most of his time thousands of miles away with his harem - to Sweden, where the monarch has no executive power and is the most stereotypical Swedish man I’ve ever come across.

Interest waning isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Most people aren’t interested in the drama, most people don’t follow royal events, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have a general impression of a royal. I also think if they play their cards right something like the financial crisis can work. That sounds cold, I’m not making light of it, but I’ve talked about this balance between the monarchy and the government a lot and it’s a bit like a see saw. If the government are fucking up, the royals often look better. Take the Queen’s death and the removal of Liz Truss. I cannot tell you how many progressive, lefty journalists were saying through gritted teeth that the Truss fiasco highlighted just how smooth the transition of monarch was because they'd had decades to prepare. Or Grenfell. You had Theresa May hiding away so she didn’t have to face the community, whereas the royal family showed up for people and kept showing up and it earned them respect from people who probably wouldn’t care for the royals otherwise. COVID. There's lots of examples. Plus the fact sometimes people like the distraction, the frivolity. Everyone was so miserable about the 2012 Olympics before they happened - they're too expensive, they're too disruptive, we have better things to think about - but they came around and everyone loved them, it was amazing. Obviously if they handle it badly it won't be good for them, but it's not automatically going to be damaging to any royals or going to lead to people who did pay attention to royals suddenly stopping.

[luane-horlis]

This is long and I apologize but I don’t have any other social media and sometimes you’ve just gotta scream into the void.

My first job in a library was a tiny rural community college with an even tinier library. The collection was mostly academic but we did have a couple shelves of kids books for early childhood education majors. No kids were really ever in there, except for one or two bored middle schoolers tagging along with a parent who needed to do homework.

This was around 2008 or so, when I was in undergrad at a Big College in the city and between that and seeing Callie and Arizona on Grey’s Anatomy I was taking my first nervous step into “huh, maybe I am one of them queers…” I had no elder queer role models in my life and there were zero out gay kids in my tiny rural southern high school, so that was quite literally my first experience with sapphic love (and Sara Ramirez is still insanely hot, I’m very very gay for her to this day.) All of this is to set the stage of me as a painfully shy, extremely sheltered, very closeted 20-something with my first real job at a library, the thing I wanted to do When I Grew Up.

We had just gotten a copy of the book And Tango Makes Three, which if you don’t know, is about two male penguins who were pair bonded and raise a chick together. My boss, a middle aged white man, was debating on whether he should catalog it for the kids section or the adult section. I thought he was nuts.

“It’s a children’s story book, why would you want to put it in the adult section?”

“Well, it’s two male penguins…”

“So?”

“It’s inappropriate…”

“How? They’re not doing anything graphic in the book, they just raise a chick together.”

Having gone to grad school and completed my Masters I now know this guy was just a shit-ass librarian who needed to exit the profession, but at the time I was boggled he even had one second thought over cataloging a children’s book as a children’s book. I, again a painfully shy 5’3” 20 year old, almost got into a shouting match with my 6ft 50 something boss over a penguin book, but he ultimately put it in with the children’s books when the Dean of Libraries told him in no uncertain terms to fuck off with his bullshit.

When I got this job working with kids and teens I resolved to be the queer adult I really needed in my own teens so I didn’t have to endure such a horrible comphet upbringing. I have pride pins and pronoun buttons on my lanyard, I wear probably way too many rainbows, I make pride book displays, I’m in the library’s pride discord, and if the YA manager asks I’ll be at every teen pride cafe program to just stand there like “hey, I’m an Adult Queer and we’re here if you need us.”

All of the above is just to say that I’m tired. At my current library we now have an asshole county councilman demanding on behalf of “numerous complaints from concerned citizens” that we move all children’s materials about gender identity and sexuality from the children’s section to the adult section “to protect the kids” and I’m just so tired. It’s 2023.

Protect the kids from what, the same miserable anxiety-ridden tween and teen years I had thinking I was fucking wrong and abnormal for the way I felt? Of being so lonely with no one to talk to and nothing to turn to like, oh, an age appropriate book for information and comfort? I still deal with feeling absolutely worthless and like I’m unloveable now in my mid-fucking 30s from growing up like that so excuse me if I want kids to have access to things which help them grow up safe and knowing they have value without fear.

I’m not giving up, I’m still fighting every damn day to do what I can in my limited scope but fucking hell, I’m tired.

[pupintransit]

At this stage post-op we are about three weeks out from the surgery. Things are healing fine, but not without some complications:

Wound dehiscence at the front of my canal. It'll heal on its own but kind of slowly. Plus according to the trans care nurse I saw it's likely to develop granular tissue, which is treated very easily but it's profoundly inconvenient nonetheless

Urinary tract infection. Search me how I contracted the fuckin' thing but we caught it early it seems. I was given some antibiotics at my last medical appointment, and I hope to christ they kick in soon cuz I had a fever of about 101.6 this morning. Cannot remember the last time I felt that physically weak and miserable. The other day I didn't have the strength to keep my legs prone to air dry properly

There's a hematoma underneath my vulva on my right side. It sounds worse than it is, and it seems to be going down on its own. Still, it is lengthening my recovery time for longer than I want, and it bleeds out of a pinprick sized wound on right side

Ughhhhhh.

Mentally I've been all over the place. I've been going through phases of regret and fear, which as I wrote about earlier this month I experience when I feel particularly bad. It passes just as i expect it too once the pain and dread stops. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with in the moment though. Sometimes you just have to ride the feeling out.

I get asked sometimes what it feels like to be cockless. The honest answer is that is that I don't know yet. I like how it looks and I love not having something dangle between my legs, but it still hurts. I won't be able to use my new parts the way I want to for at least a few more months. I'm still a little too swollen to find my clit too, and quite frankly I miss being able to cum.

I'm not fucking around with my health so despite all of the pain and fever I'm going through I'm still dilating on schedule four times a days and doing my hygiene routines as required. There are consequences if I don't, and I don't want to become complacent and stop. I've downsized to the blue and green dilators for the time being due to the pain caused by my dehiscence. I can always work back up to the orange one once everything heals up more. Right now I want to be sure that I maintain my depth and do so with the least amount of pain possible.

There's someone I follow online who has a Q&A section about their own gender affirming surgery on their social media who has a very salient point in one of the entries. I'm not gonna tag them and risk embarrassing them (but if you happen to be reading this please know that I think very highly of you!), but essentially their point was that, if you're asking someone if you should get bottom surgery of any kind, the answer is no you should not. Asking that means that you're still uncertain about whether or not it's the best decision. If you ask yourself if you want bottom surgery and the answer you come up with is "I don't know," that isn't good enough. For your own safety you need to wait until you are certain. That could take a very long time but it's still the most responsible thing you can.

I had several appointments with therapist and doctors in order to be sure this is what I wanted. When I am in my right mind I am confident in my choice and I don't regret it. You need to be sure you won't regret it too.

Anyway. My next appointment with the trans health care nurse is friday of next week. Luckily my husband is able to drive me since my brother isn't available this time and I really do not want to take transit for that long in order to get there. Ideally my UTI will have gotten better by then. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

[folktaylor]

hi i would really like to discuss the fact that taylor swift calls herself a precocious child in reference to her growing up and that precocious is a fancy word for “gifted” and taylor was clearly that. being gifted typically goes hand-in-hand with neurodivergence. many criticisms of TS and her personality are also critiques many masked neurodiverse women receive. publicly, she’s been criticized for seemingly missing social cues (post grammys w boygenius), moving quickly from one relationship to the next and seemingly thinking each is “the one” (limerence), being too Loud and sometimes artificial (masking).

she’s also been famous for most of her formative adult years and i think TTPD is the most she’s ever alluded to how much her fame impacts her mental health, stifled her growing up, and prohibits her from being seen as an actual human being. the difference between taylor swift the person and Taylor Swift™️ the brand has, imo, never been more stark than on TTPD. she takes shots at how fame impacts her decision making and the ways that she rebels against it but at the same time it is her life force (ICDWABH points to this. i see it as less a haha i have to do this even i wanna KMS, i see it as this i’m miserable and heartbroken but performing is as intoxicating as it is destructive and without a maintenance dose, everything else is worse but nobody out there knows what the person inside the performer mannequin is dealing with and she is So Good at performing that there’s no crack in her mask). as much as it’s formed her, it’s also jaded her and stunted her. she acknowledges that her hissy fit and rebellion with matty was childish and impulsive (BDILH, Peter but also almost all of these songs have dual meanings to me like all could apply to fame and past versions of herself) but ultimately she’s been urged and encouraged to stay 16. young, agreeable, palatable, emotional but never angry, clean, polished, unblemished (WAODLOM - “at all costs keep your good name”). and TTPD feels like a step toward reclaiming her name (BDILH - “I’ll tell you something bout my good name, it’s mine alone to disgrace”) and saying that fan opinion and media opinion has controlled what she’s done for so long and decided what actions tarnished her name and reputation. and this whole album is like fuck you all for deciding that you know what ruins me - only i get to decide that. and hey, while i’m at it, just so you know the person behind the brand isn’t as squeaky clean as who they made me.

there was a post on reddit the other day with her old myspace posts and it’s evident that she had to be sanitized to be palatable to the public. the more bland she could come across, the more the public could project onto her and that’s good marketing. if everyone who listens can see themselves, they keep listening. and the more famous she got, the bigger the gap between taylor, the person and Taylor Swift™️ the brand.

the eras tour feels like it should be a goodbye. and i think in a way, it is. she’s tearing down a lot of the little bricks they used to create the brand with her new music and seeing the way the TTPD set differs so drastically from the rest makes me believe that we are entering like phase 2. TTPD is a transition into the next part of her career. debut - midnights is like volume 1. folklore and evermore are interludes, like experiments to see how music like that would go with fans. i think a lot of people see folkmore as a product of the pandemic but TTPD shows me that the albums are more indicative of the next volume than speculated. i can also see the next part of her career focusing less on music and more on other mediums but i do think this brand of music and lyricism is here to stay. she’s an intelligent adult with a profound gift with words and her music shouldn’t need to be palatable to the entire public audience anymore. some people don’t want to take time to close read lyrics and analyze.

this was word vomit basically but i had to get my thoughts out

[queen-diamond-serenity]

The irony of this is

Dutch haters are far more toxic than Micah fan base in fact I in all honesty have not come across one microfan that I have actually dislike. And I hate Micah I cannot stand him as a character and nothing will ever change that. I do love his voice actor and there is one picture of Micah I like. Other than that the fact that Dutch haters are more toxic than Micah fan base really does say a lot about you. A majority of RDR fan base is toxic as hell and you're the main ones who cause trouble in Mayhem and then try to make it look like we're the ones being Troublemaker Just because we're Dutch apologist. I never thought that I would say this I would rather be around a Micah fan at this point than to be around the rest of you. So when y'all say we deserve to get blocked or blocked us I don't give a fuqk. What am I missing out on? Most of y'all have crap content most of y'all come up with shit scenarios and lore and theories regarding the entire rdr. Y'all don't have a creative bone in your body's half of you steal from other content creators and then think that we've lost something by you threatening to block us are thinking it's wholesome to block us we don't give a fuck and I think I've made a post like this before not caring. I haven't posted anything in weeks and when I come back here a fellow friend of mine's is dealing with toxic Dutch haters. Y'all can say what you want to about Dutch but we're not the one causing trouble or bring it all the toxicity in the community y'all are. But go off.

What is our crimes other than being a fan of Dutch?

I have set back for years and kept quiet and have watched on every platform you can think of concerning RDR fan base and see where all the problems are stemming from and coming from.

block me I don't care cuz you can't fuck with me no way. I don't want to be on your shitty side of social media. I am a living nightmare for a lot of you because I don't take the bullshit that everybody else do. LOL I'm from up North we are feisty out here lol. Stay in your lane because we not coming in yours you blocking a bunch of us who don't want to deal with you any damn ways. Y'all are a damn joke. To all you Dutch and Micah fans continue to stay to yourselves create good content and enjoy life. Have your fun have your ships have at it and continue to stick up your middle fingers to the rest. They got a majority of the fan base on the other side and they're still not happy. That already right there should tell you something. They just a bunch of miserable people in real life in general. Y'all should take an example from somebody who hates Micah I cannot stand him like I said before. But I don't give his fan base hell especially when they aren't coming at me. The only time I'll say something to somebody come at me sideways other than that I'm not bothered by them being a fan of his. Because that's what maturity looks like. You should try it sometimes and grow the fuck up. Other people in this Phantom will be nice about it not me I'm a proud azzhole.😁

Understand something about the woman I am I come from a very huge family so I'm never lonely I'm surrounded by a lot of love. And let's just face it a lot of you people on social media are lonely miserable people looking for love and most of you have found it in all the wrong places. So I don't care about being blocked. I got people who give a shit about me in real life. Trust me I will not lose sleep over wondering over a complete stranger who blocked me that I don't even know ever existed.

Everybody else give y'all this polite and light? But me? Oh I'm going to call out the elephant in a room and best believe I'm going to do it with a little bit of hot sauce.

[invisibleraven]

15 for Writer's Choice!

The alarm blares, and Luke groans, slapping at his phone until the horrible noise stops. Opens a bleary eye to see the date staring at him. "Happy fucking birthday," he grumbles, finally getting up, even though he'd rather stay in bed the rest of this miserable day.

Most people who didn't like their birthday didn't want to grow any older, but for Luke it was the opposite. He longed to be any age other than eighteen.

But here he was, celebrating 18 for the twenty fifth time, all because he still hadn't met his soulmate.

At first he had stayed put, wanting to be here so it would make his soulmate easier to find him. But after a few years he got restless and decided that he would travel. Who was to say that his soulmate was in La, hell in the USA even? Plus if he was gonna be stuck as a teenager,might as well get his wanderlust out now.

He travelled all over the world, learning new cultures, languages, and most of all, music. He loved music, and getting to study it with so many masters and teachers was amazing.

Eventually he came home, but he found he still felt restless.

He tried the whole college thing, but he found it wasn't for him. So now he took the odd class at the adult learning centre, gave guitar and voice lessons whenever he felt like it, and generally wondered if he was ever going to meet his soulmate. Not everyone did, and sometimes it took centuries.

Luke had kind of hoped to find them before the next millennium set in.

He didn't have many plans for the day; supper with his folks complete with his favourite chocolate cake. But that just made it all the harder as he sat there watching them get older and older while he stayed ageless. He really hoped he would find his mate before they got too old to meet them, maybe give them a grandbaby or two while they could enjoy it.

Other than that, maybe he could busk on the boardwalk a little? That was always a good time, and he knew some execs hung out there. Yeah he knew he'd probably never get signed all by himself, but he picked up a few session musician gigs that way, and a few of those studios kept his number on file enough that he could make rent.

Resolved, Luke got himself ready; cut off shirt, his favourite beanie, oversized jeans complete with wallet chain. Slipping his feet into his Vans, he grabbed his acoustic and set off.

It was a nice day, so the crowds were going out in droves. Luke set up in a corner away from the other performers, case open in hopes for a few dollars. He did a few covers to start out, it always drew people in. Then he'd launch into a few originals, which usually kept the people around for a spell.

Today he was just finished a set when he saw a very cute couple standing there, smiling at him. The girl tossed a twenty into his case and Luke beamed. "For that you can make a request."

"I like The Beatles," she supplied.

Luke nodded, couldn't go wrong with the classics. He did a lilting version of Blackbird, mournful and full of longing. If she were along he might have done Here There and Everywhere, but he figured that would be pushing his luck.

When he finished, the girl applauded, still smiling wide, showing off the gap in her smile. "You should advertise your YouTube or Insta... something so you get your voice out there," she said. "More than just your name and a pager number."

Luke rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, I never took to the internet. I know I need social media, but it's after my time and I just never learned."

"Try adjusting to electricity," the guy quipped. "The riots when Tesla and Edison were at their height? Whoa nelly."

The girl giggled. "Reggie you are a tech whiz, stop being so old fashioned."

"Aww Julie, it's fun though!"

Luke at Reggie confused. "Wait... you're still a teenager though."

Reggie cocked his head to the side for a moment then laughed. "Oh yeah, Julie and I are missing our third soulmate. So I still don't age."

"What about you?" Luke asked Julie. "How long have you been waiting?"

Julie blushed, hiding behind her curls for a moment. "Oh, I am actually eighteen, just this year."

"Wow," Luke replied. "Never met anyone who met their mate, or at least one of them so young."

"What about you?" Reggie asks.

"90's," Luke said.

"Not too bad then," Reggie said, and Luke supposed that to him, a quarter century was nothing compared to the decades he had been waiting and the untold stretch of time before him.

Luke saw the crowds were thinning, and he started packing up. It was almost time to head to his parent's place soon anyways. He turned to Reggie and Julie, and a part of him didn't want to say goodbye. There was something about them that allured him so. "It was nice to meet you," was what he said though, knowing they probably had places to be.

"Are you busy tonight?' Julie asked, impulsively.

"We want to get to know you is what Julie mans," Reggie supplies.

"Why?" Luke asks.

"You interest me," Julie says. "Plus I felt this... draw to you when we got here. I'm usually not wrong about this stuff, and it lead me to Reggie."

"How did you know-that you were soulmates?" Luke asks.

"My calendar shows my next birthday will be my 19'th," Julie said. "I checked after Reggie and I met. His is the same."

"Well today is my birthday..." Luke says, but he realizes he left his phone at home, as usual. "But I don't have my phone."

"So do you wanna celebrate and see what happens?" Reggie asks.

"I have dinner with my parents," Luke said. "But you should come. I want to get to know you too."

"As long as they won't mind," Julie cautions.

"Ma is always on my case to bring friends and cooks way too much," Luke assures her.

So they head to Reggie's truck and drive to the Patterson abode. Emily is a little surprised to see two extra people with her son but she's a gracious host and ushers them in.

Reggie and Julie get on like a house on fire with his parents, and Luke already knows that even if Julie's gut is wrong, he wants to keep them in his life for forever. Especially after he finds out that they sing and play. Reggie even confides his best friend Alex plays drums, though he's a little older, meeting his soulmate a few years back.

"Willie ran him over on his skateboard," Julie chortles. "Weirdest meet cute ever."

"Can't be as bad as me almost falling on you from the loft," Reggie says, and that is a story Luke will have to hear later.

Finally it's time for cake and Luke cringes, hating the same eighteen candles every year. Wishing every time for an extra one to appear.

But when his mom enters, he sees something different. There, burning on top of the cake, are nineteen candles.

"Ma?" he whispers.

"The extra one was there when I checked the drawer," she whispers back, squeezing his shoulder.

Luke looks over at Reggie and Julie who are beaming back at him. His soulmates.

"Make a wish," Julie urges.

"Make it a good one," Reggie jokes.

"I... I don't know what to wish for," Luke admits. "Because my wish came true today."

Everyone gets teary at that, and Luke simply wishes for a long life where he gets to grow old with Julie and Reggie.

And this year? He thinks his wish might just come true.

[compassionatereminders]

hi kat, hope you are doing okay right now. i know things are tough and fuck tiny and whatever the other one is called. the stupid one. anyways.

recently ive been trying to practice self love more, i stopped self harming, got back onto medication for my depression, stopped looking at harmful websites like gore and self harm images, got off most social media, and i try to be nice to what i see in the mirror, face wise. i actually dont feel like my self destructive habits are that harmful, but logically i know they are. i dont feel like they gravely effect my life, they jsut feel like weird dirty secrets i have but i know it is not good for me. I've been focused on dealing with my depression but i haven't done anything about my disordered eating habits. They just feel so intertwined with how i go about things in a way, because im 16 now and i think it started when i was 12. i just remember not caring at all about my body or food, and then suddenly i did. and i had these weird specific things i hated and started learning about nutrition and just, fell down a horrible rabbit hole. i just feel like, i am SO not ready to let go of this. its a comfort, my safety net. i dont even know how to eat normal anymore honestly, i got too much stuff memorized. Sometimes im fully aware i have horrid body dysmphoria, but other times i feel like i see myself clearly and what the people around me dont get is that i have different (and really bad) ideas of what looks good on me, aka i know i fit their ideals of a good looking healthy body but i dont fit MINE. im just scared if i recover these thoughts and ideals wont ever leave, like at the back of my mind they will be there and ill just be trying not to think about how i dont look like that the rest of my life and how miserable thatd be. my ed is just, sorta part of my routine. aghhhhh. just feels sorta good to let that out. i know you dont have specific advice for this topic but i wanted to talk about it a little anyway but, OVERALL; im focusing on healing and my health but am more focused on depression and other things then dealing with my disordered eating habits, which i know are not at all good but at the same time i cant bring myself to care that they arent. do you think im still making progress towards healing and being happier? even if i havent addressed a certain elephant in the room?

Yes. If you can only acknowledge progress which successfully attacks every area of struggle equally at all times, you will not get very far. You gotta start somewhere. And you have started. And that matters, even if you aren't at a point where you can fix every single problem in your life. It's okay to say "right now I'm working on self harm and depression" and let that be enough for now, cause honestly? Working through self harm and depression is worthwhile and impressive by itself, even if it won't fix everything. Removing two elephants from your apartment will make it a lot easier to live in even if the third elephant is still there. You have more options than doing nothing vs doing everything and what you're doing now fucking rocks. Be proud of your hard work

[confessions-official]

idk what 2 warn this as. abuse?? grooming?? toxic relationship probably, sry. also the r, n, and f slur

when i was 13 i entered a long-distance "relationship" with (at the time) an australian 15 yearold and it was sososo great from what i can remember. my memory is shit so i cant remember very much from then but i remember it being very nice. we had a conversation about her feminity (at the time she didnt know she was trans) and i said some shit (HEAVILY paraphrasing) reminding her that she could just Be a girl if she wanted and then she Did. and then i had a girlfriend it was a very nice year. anyway.

few months after that it was fine but then everything kept dissolving into arguments. and idk if i'm just kinda fucked up and neurotic (i tend to react badly 2 rejection of any kind and that wasnt her fault whatsoever) but i think most of the arguments were about me being upset that we werent playing a game together or me feeling left out. we both had a mutual friend and we did so much shit together.

and then it just kept getting worse! the arguments escalated (or they were getting more direct i dont think it was ever about the games) and instead of games the arguments were about how she was treating me. i repeatedly accused her of ignoring the uglier parts of me in favor of my "caring nature". idk how to describe it. i strongly felt, and still kind of feel that she just wanted me to be her mommy who would shower her in endless affection, because whenever i would get into a gloomier mood (because of her or not, mostly not) she would take offense to it.

i also have. anger issues? idk i'm very reactive sometimes and it also forced a lot of arguments out over useless shit

i also sent her a package at some point with a hoodie and some fucking thigh socks she encouraged me to buy when i was eleven or ten. unfortunately it took like 4 months to show up and it felt like every single moment of our time together was her asking about the package. When was it coming has the status changed yet is it in australia yet? it pissed me off so much because it felt like she was just!! using me for clothes!! but i also understand because her family is a crock of shit who wouldn't accept or support her wearing or buying more feminine clothing, and this was one of the only ways she could feel girly.

it eventually bubbled over to the point where i blocked her on all social media platforms and we began arguing heatedly over email. and she sent me this wonderful string of emails where she was kissing/asking to kiss me (something that i fucking HATE – i do not want to be flirted with or called petnames while we argued, i nake this very clear), telling me that we both loved each other, and sent methis fantastic fucking email about how she was excited to see me hang myself on facebook whilst also calling me an unlovable neurodivergent retard.

i have it saved on my phone and it honestly makes me laugh now because of how fucking weirdly its worded. like a bad 4chan copypasta. but anyway lol

that hit especially awful at the time bc i was researching autism because i was 99% sure something wasnt clicking in my brain AND i was having ongoing issues with my mom. i had a massive breakdown in which i stopped speaking to her for 6 months which were the most miserable points of my life. i had to switch emails bc she just kept spamming me while i was having a meltdown!

i think i just got overbearingly lonely at that point bc sometime in 2023 iirc i reached out to her again and we got back together! somehow.

the arguments got even worse and we were on-and-off for a Long time. i was regularly blocking her and arguing with her every other day-ish and jesus fucking christ it was awful! Bad!!!

then our mutual friend turned out to be transphobic and she continued being friends with him ?! and this still really confuses me bc.. i remember being in a voice call with him and he was repeatedly using the incorrect pronouns and did not respond seriously when i corrected him. and i brought it up with her multiple times and she was like Naw dont worry about it??? idk man maybe theres something i was missing???

there was also this time that i told her about how i got groomed twice when i was younger because i trusted her to not tell anyone about it. and then she turned around and Told Our Mutual Friend about it. >_>

AND THE WHOLE GENDER SHIT i'm someone who uses every/all pronouns interchangably and is somewhat genderfluid. i came out to her multiple times because she. kept forgetting i wasnt cis!

at the time i was just using "all pronouns" but my gf kept using feminine terms for me and she/her prns for me and i kept asking her to stop doing that. but she did not. so it turned into an argument where i was telling her that i didnt want her to cherrypick the parts of my identity she liked the most and that i wasnt even a woman. it took her multiple months afterwards to even Begin using masculine terms for me >_> altho it is mainly my fault because i didnt really specify what i meant by "all pronouns" (but she also never asked !?)

recently, about 3~ weeks ago, like a week before my bday, we broke up again. this time it was way messier because i'm not moving my email again. its also permanent i would rather someone put me down than make me go back to talking to her

i finally realized that a newly 15 year old Shouldn't be dating someone who was going to turn 18 in the same fucking year! i blocked her on everything, bur she still had my email so we were arguing over Email again. she went on a racist tangent, repeatedly calling me a stupid white girl and refering to me with the n-slur in the same sentence (i am of mixed race). she also told me it was fine because she was also mixed race and "i'm calling you my homie" which is. yeah! i think she also said something abt me being a fag or whatever but maybe not. i deleted most of her emails as they came in so i dont remember >_>

i also said some awful transphobic shit to her about her pretending to be a girl so she could get closer to me which i. cannot say how much i regret saying that awful crap! it's definitely not reflective of my opinions and my morals, i was trying to get under her skin at the time and more some fucking reason that seemed like the best thing to dig my nails into. it was fucked up with me and if things werent like how they are i would apologize for it immediately.

i havent talked to her since the racist shit nor do i really want to but shes began spamming me with different accounts on another social media platform we're both on. and idk what im going to end up doing about it other than blocking.

these last like 3 years have been Dog Shit i tell ya! sorry 4 the long ask also DEAR GOD ??

 

[conjure-elemental]

Non-graphic/not "gross" medical vent ahead, feel free to chime in if you've ever encountered any of this and have suggestions

My consistent fatigue, executive function issues, and randomly cycling ability to Complete Tasks is really starting to bring me down I fucking hate it so much so much so much :( I'm capable of having like three good "productive" days in a row and then I am miserable and useless for 2 weeks

Working from home is the only thing keeping me from a totally fucked up life because I can conserve my energy enough to actually get an occasional chore done or meal cooked

But truly like I have to plan my entire life around how much it "costs" me to go talk to a friend, clean my room, post about my art on social media

Idk what to do. I have a CPAP machine now so my sleep quality should have improved, I've been on Wellbutrin for years and just got my dose increased, I get 9 hours of sleep per night and eat a balanced diet, I don't overuse caffeine.... And yet my body is constantly buzzing with discomfort and exhaustion and my brain fog is so bad that I struggle to form sentences sometimes

My general doctor just made me a referral for an adhd evaluation and I'm gonna try to wean myself off of smoking weed every night even though I think it's the only thing that lets me sleep

We'll see what happens