#so yes you're probably right
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No sorry, I mean the show is making 'the' humanlike Ghoul significant when it is slightly less so in the later games. In the very first game it is significant, the surviving ghouls in particular have become somewhat removed from human culture (like Set) - this is an issue with the later games where things which are very significant end up being downplayed (super mutants, ghouls, Deathclaws) - but I was trying to say that the show gives it more metaphorical Beastlike meaning than just video game monsterliness.
You're right, there are still plenty of bad endings possible, but I'm surprised at how much positive foreshadowing there is for his character. But there was a lot of that for Kylo Ren in TFA.
I'm also a bit baffled with the Fallout show (and Hot D), both recent major productions, because some of the editing and the pacing is just baffling. There are some real plot contrivances that just feel ultimately verryyyyy silly, and I'm not somebody who ever complains about that!!! So my concern now is less whether they stick the landing and more worrying about the current state of editing and whether anybody's getting paid enough
Anyway, sorry to bother you with this topic again, but thank you for entertaining my nonsense
Could you tell me why you think so? I don't know if I'm getting that vibe. They do definitely suggest he's rare in being in nearly perfect shape when he's so old, but it's focussed on his ability to survive such a dangerous and miserable life rather than just the fact of persisting as a ghoul. Older smoothskins aren't in great shape, either. It seems more about his skill and tenacity than an innate quality he has. Characters seem to be mostly questioning his will to go on rather than the how. I don't know that I think he's more human than other ghouls we see. The pale guy Lucy rescued seems very normal and his look is pretty similar.
Totally. Honestly, my only real concern is that he'll die. Either tragically or 'bittersweetly'. I don't think there's a chance worth worrying about of his character arc going in a negative direction in any other way than death being the ending. Either bc they think of him as 'already dead' or bc peaceful death is the happiest they'll allow him to be. I fear both those possibilities. I don't fear for his soul, if you will. He's not going to become a villain.
The pacing did strike me as very strange. I didn't know if I was just grumpy because I've not been feeling well or if it's because it often dips into a horror movie style that maybe I just don't like? but yeah. Because there's the opening prologue scene, which is an absolute fucking 10/10 cinematic masterclass, note perfect in every way, and then the rest of the episode after that felt weird/incredibly slow. I think the structural edit is fine, but something about the shot to shot editing is off. The timing is awkward, particularly when there isn't dialogue. I've felt that way about pretty much all the streaming original movies I've seen to varying degrees, so it's definitely a production process problem.
#I don't know enough about editing to do more than notice when it seems wrong/bad#but I have heard people who do talk about the state of editing these days being a mess#so yes you're probably right#fallout
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the way the music died at just the right moment made this so perfect
#HAVE I MENTIONED I LOVE THEIR FRIENDSHIP#holy hell i'm brainstorming there will be an essay in the tags#da4#dragon age veilguard#lucanis dellamorte#taash#i love how that phrase became a joke between them and got this far. and with lucanis being first talon#plus if you have taash assigned with the crows rook and teia comment on making them an honorary crow#i genuinely wonder if taash actually joins them and how it would go down#because on the one hand i imagine lucanis can just immediately let it happen no questions asked#but on the other hand the crows are more than what they appear to taash and it's not like people line up to join the crows#ANYWAY ignoring whether it's a good idea or not-- considering caterina's probably not far from passing#and illario being locked away (in my universe) House Dellamorte is down to one (1) and it's the first talon himself#so what if - dare i say it - lucanis takes taash under his wing and makes them part of house dellamorte#because taash has lost their family. lucanis has lost his. lucanis has since realised a family doesn't have to be by blood#and so lucanis is like 'you could be part of the dellamorte family. if you want. I won't be upset if you don't- i can find another house f-'#and taash is just 'fuck off you're joking of COURSE fuck yeah!'#and i imagine taash would want to be his personal bodyguard and lucanis is like NO that's too much stress and things you'd have to learn#and be aware of. and taash is like 'okay but how many crows do you know of that can breathe fire to threaten people'#and then spite dramatically intervenes with 'YES! FIRE!!!!!' and lucanis is right back in Tired Dad Mode lmao#ANYWAY i have a lot of feelings about their friendship
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I'm currently rewatching ST, and a friend of mine said that if I rewatched it, I'd definitely reconsider my stance on Jancy/St*ncy.
And....
No.
Jonathan was thinking of breaking up with Nancy (and breaking his own heart) so that she could follow her dreams without feeling guilty about leaving him behind.
Steve's dream involves Nancy giving up her dreams in order to follow his.
My stance is firmer than ever. I love Steve, but he's not a great boyfriend. Not for her at least. Jancy to the end!
#stranger things#jancy#jancy endgame#(does the fact that they physically resemble young Caryl influence me?)#(probably yes)#(unashamedly so)#(but I'm still right!)#ugh if you're anti don't even bother commenting#you’ll just get blocked like that other numpty did#I'm too old and too ND for this shit
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when you stumble into being a furry they do not tell you how seriously you might end up taking your animal choice for your fursona. i am definitely definitely taking it too seriously but the facets of my identity i want to explore and acknowledge add up to too many different animals to choose just one. the other day i made a chart about it. the chart .. was not enlightening
#rambles#i will probably not share the chart..#but mouse seems like it's here to stay#it makes me so genuinely happy when my friends are like yes you're a little mouse irl#and not so many people call me mouse now but that was such a big part of me learning what i know now about my identity#like oops . being a furry is hugely important to me actually#and it continues to be useful for conceptualizing identity struggles as i work through them#even if right now i am at an odd um. turning point? i think maybe yes. a turning point
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Have a romp in a Honda Odyssey now and fix your marital disagreements today!
#all seats and seatbelts are susceptible to adamantium claws and/or swords but if you pin your husband down by his belt#the cushion is steady enough that you will lose no momentum!#100% guarantee or your money back#tracks include Wolverine variants singing#yes you heard it right singing#as well as I'm With You by Avril Lavigne#and You're The One That I Want from Grease!#roof is designed to sustain an entire Deadpool rolling across it to attempt to strangle a Wolverine with a seatbelt#windows have decreased durability for maximum a-spec when you both prefer to stay in the car#suspension itself is able to withstand all night all day rocking#with enough gas to spare from a forest set and into a lair of survivors in the Void!#so what are you waiting for! nab a Honda Odyssey and fight with your husbands on the way to a sacrificial scene with Madonna in the bg musi#ads like this is probably deadpool approved#deadpool and wolverine#deadpool#wade wilson#wolverine#logan howlett
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Armand's simpering little "and I never have" has taken on new dimensions for me. Technicality king and also I think very in keeping with his whole malign fairy creature deal. You can tell him not to hurt the bae, but you should really specify what "hurt" entails. Is chopping someone's hands off really hurting them? If they have annoyed you very much I mean.
-questions Armand might pose to Lestat that inspire him to leave the country
#I do think the root of what makes Lesmad so funny is that it is literally the one of two times Lestat has displayed good sense in love#both times his mother was standing right there telling him what to do so take from that what you will#but lestat does enjoy negative attention and fucking around to find out and needling powerful entities who are enamored with him#it takes so much for him to say yes you're hot. but still no#you are too good at fucking will my head and too willing to take liberties with my body i don't like this#though iirc part of it was having experienced Armand's mind whammy he didn't want to leave him in proximity to Gabrielle#once again mommy issues carry the day#anyway#press says iwtv#I have a post percolating in my heart about the reversal of Gabby telling Lestat she just wants to die knowing he's safe in Paris with his#boyfriend#explicitly severing their codependent you're my other half my twin me but a man thing#and Gabby telling him to leave Nicki with Armand and run#but it's actually half a post that amounts to a) this too is a perversion brought on by living past your own death and#b) actually though it's her being a good mom in both instances#like probably the two times she most clearly manages that are#leave this place and me and live your own best life without guilt or shame#and leave your boyfriend who has had a psychotic break and hates you now. do not involve yourself with the sewer creature who is violently#obsessed with you.#she packed up her kid and she left! also did some other things but we don't need to talk about that#cw: incest#interview with the vampire
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i want to write a twdg au so fucking bad. so fucking bad just for clem and lee as remus and teddy. but then like,,, yk there's so many ROUTES you can take these things! i'd have to decide what route to take. and then it would just be s1 because what after that? who's aj? yk??? like it would just be s1 but it would just be my playthrough and then it would be like "here is this fic specifically crafted for me and only me"
but it would be fun to do like. alt endings? because we know how s1 ends and i could AHAHAH give that false sense of security with two endings and people (me, again this is made for me and me only) are like "wow i am sad i'll read this othe- AGAIN!?" and that'd be funny.
#i would have to erase everything really if i'm doing all seasons#for example like... aj?#aj could so easily be like.... one of the kids. i could make teddy raise like.... scorpius or albus or lily yk??? like thats an easy fix#you'd THINK but actually! no because then the parents have to be a thing and it's like.#okay so hinny. harry does not give alvin. and who would be carter? YK LIKE#it doesnt fit and then even like. who's kenny? actually never fucking mind it's sirius ofc it is#and then the whole dairy plot is just how many DEs can i name in one go really#but thennn we have kenny and jane and it's like... well who's jane?#because you probably think okay yeah bella works? right?#but THENNNNN you have to consider - who's luke? because luke is lovely. luke is not rodolphus.#side tangent: smash luke. 10/10.#but anyway essentially besides lee and clem being teddy and remus and kenny being sirius? there's not much to do#and even THAT is like. who the FUCK is duck then? yk??? harry? but then whos kat and YK WE JUST#IT DOESNT WORK OKAY THATS THE POINT IT DOESNT WORK#but cleem as remus and teddy works okay#is clem his bio kid? no. is teddy remus'? yes but you see now you're thinking about too much#and it's no longer a fun and whimsical little post is it#so that's where i am with this thought process#IT COULD ALTERNATIVELY BE LIKE.#effie is lee and clem is sirius#because then aj could be harry#but then we run into the same issues of like okay well alvin??? how is alvin james and rebecca lily?#and we fall into the same pit of oh this doesnt work at all if you actually look at it#because then remus would be kenny and OOOO DUCK WOULD BE TEDDY AND THEN KAT IS TONKS#but then like oh who's jane? and then whos luke? and then alvin and rebecca and carter?#how does that work if aj = harry? obvs jily but how if effie? and then carter as barty? bartylily? LIKE WHAT DO WE DO#but anyway thats my 4am ramble for you#it doesnt work but i enjoyed thinking about it#messrsrarchives marauders
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yk what. Maybe I will hop on the trend and take a break from American political news for a while. I don't even live there so it won't affect me, unless it does in which case Canadian news outlets will report on it. I trust my muties will let me know if the shit really hits the fan. There's no way I won't hear, anyway, my housemates are all pretty into the news anyway. I really don't stand to benefit from any of it, and in the situations where I genuinely need to be informed of something, I'll still find out. All it'll do is make me upset, and I really don't need that in my life rn. thx @gummy-worms-in-my-brain for suggesting it last night. I thought about what you said, and you were right, so. Blocking some tags, setting up some filters, all that jazz.
#also just gonna avoid engaging with anything political when I can I think#like. writing out some long-winded comment describing the basic opinion to have about something is pointless. it just upsets me.#so no more of that. you all know my opinions. bodily autonomy for all and fuck authoritarianism and be cringe and free yadda yadda#like feel free to ask for my opinions on serious philosophical or moral matters if you feel the need! I get it sometimes u gotta check.#Conky ain't fash Conky ain't a terf Conky ain't a nazi Conky thinks all basic needs should be free including period hygeine supplies#and Conky gets really mad about race “science” because it's asinine bullshit with no right to call itself “science” at all#and oh also Conky thinks all gender identities are valid and intersex people are valid and that “fixing” them as babies is evil#like... the standard shit basically.#and REMEMBER#tell Conky if you feel unsafe in America and Conky will help however Conky can because Conky wants to#but for now Conky will avoid news about America because it's depressing and scary and she's powerless to do anything anyway#because like she lives far away what's she gonna do teleport. she can't even drive and doesn't own a car. she has no passport (needs one)#and finally... Conky is going through some mental and gender shit rn and thinks she should focus on that which she can actually work on#instead of endlessly stewing on far-off evils. if she improves herself she'll be far more able to help when the time comes.#and never forget. if you're reading this ur probably a moot. and that means Conky loves you and wants you to thrive.#she means it. all of you. yes you. you reading this. user ConkreetMonkey cares about you and all aspects of your wellbeing.
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google search history:
how do you tell if it's fibromyalgia again, can you die of muscle pain, ms, als, heart attack in women, trapezius pain, why can't I lift my arms, how long does a fibro flare last, how do I stop hurting everywhere, things that aren't drugs that clear your brain fog, what to do when your hands hurt, joint pain that isn't arthritis, ginger health benefits, ginger inflammation, what to do when painkillers don't work, how to sue god
#fuck you up disease (fibromyalgia)#I think the worst part about fibro is that there's very little non-clinical info#readily available#not many people talk about it and if they do it's with like a suicide disclaimer#so what we have is this really bare bones medical nonsense we get from google#that makes it sound like fibro is just feeling a little tired and achy sometimes#and on the other end of the spectrum the hellscapes of personal anecdotes#from people who have 10 000 chronic diseases and pain so bad they take morphine#and you're there like. which one is it. clearly what we have is not fibro since#it's neither nothing (I can't get out of bed) nor unbearable kill me perpetually hospitalised levels of suffering#like. do I want morphine? yes#do I absolutely need morphine right now? probably not honestly.#I'm not suicidal I just want to not be afraid of making food#in case getting up and moving will have us in so much pain again that we get in our head about it#like no we're not dying. people don't just randomly get stage 4 cancer after going out in cold weather.#that's not how terminal illness works#but with the brain fog we have no inner comms and with no inner comms we have no memory#and with severe amnesia life is only what life is now and nothing else exists#there is only this moment and this moment#this moment lads#it hurts so fucking bad#shoutout to all the comments recently who've been like wow you write Caracalla's POV so believably#friend it's because chronic pain is chronic pain and when your brain does not fucking work the world gets weird#but weirdly it's like. that makes this almost feel like there's a point to hurting like this.#like I may be going through the school of suffering day in and day out right now but#just as a reminder - it makes it easier to understand others who do.#being the punching bag of the sad and infernal gods keeps us humble in this house#and allows us to write VERY WEIRD FICTION
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I enjoy a good Priest trope subversion, but I don't think predestined love is a trope that was subverted in Qi Ye. Or, at least, not in such a clear-cut way.
It's true that Jing Qi falls out of love with Helian Yi by the seventh lifetime, and does not pursue the predestined love that Bai Wuchang allegedly gave him a chance to reclaim. It's also true that Jing Qi eventually chooses to pursue Wuxi instead, and goes with him back to Nanjiang. And it's also true that Priest used a lot of Buddhist themes in her work, and was stressing that nothing is permanent, not even an alleged soulmate and fated bond.
But I think we can also assume that the first three lifetimes at the very beginning of the novel are talking about Jing Qi and Wuxi. And I think it's these lifetimes that suggest a real, fulfilled, unsubverted predestined love.
The first three lifetimes (as translated by Chichi, because their translation is 200 times better than mine would have been):
The first lifetime, a stone appeared, turning into the burial mound of a hero, feelings unable to be broken. The second lifetime, a boulder split, ferrying a predestined love across the Bridge, a pair of mandarin ducks flying off together. The third lifetime, a jadeite burned, vowing to abide by an invaluable oath, eternally following each other in life and death.
The first life, a hero dies, but his love persists through death. The second life, someone (the lover of the hero, presumably) does something to follow someone else (the hero, presumably) in death. Their predestined love is unfulfilled, so they reunite in the Netherworld at the Naihe Bridge. They reincarnate, and find each other again in another life, where their predestined love is fulfilled.
It's never actually stated how this lover follows the hero in death, but I assume it was not entirely mundane, as where before a stone is a memorial, becomes a standing reminder of death, this boulder is broken, and that is what ferries their love across the Bridge. Actually, this might just represent taking a different path of reincarnation (reincarnating in a higher realm, and becoming a being of the Netherworld).
When the Netherjudge shows up in the first chapter, he comments that Bai Wuchang was not originally a person of the Netherworld. Bai Wuchang was inhabiting a "temporary" form, waiting for someone, but he forgot who. A hero died, and a lover died, but one continued reincarnation in the mortal realm, while the other is stuck in the Netherworld, becoming Bai Wuchang. Assuming Jing Qi is the hero and Bai Wuchang is the lover, Bai Wuchang followed Jing Qi to the Netherworld, but is unable to fulfill his predestiny while reincarnated in a higher realm, and this is why his form in the Netherworld is temporary and "stifled."
The Netherjudge states that Bai Wuchang has been waiting around for a a predestiend person for a while, and that he should go now. From Chichi's translation:
“This cycle’s Bai Wuchang was not originally a person of the underworld, and had been doing nothing more than borrowing a temporary frame in wait for his destined person,” he explained upon noticing Hu Jia standing there dumbly. “Now, he ought to go.”
It's likely that whatever means Bai Wuchang used to reunite with his loved one in the Netherworld cost him his memories, or was just a consequence of reincarnation in a higher realm (like how people will not remember most of their previous lives when reincarnating as living beings). But Hu Jia keeps all of his memories (remembers learning about Helian Yi in lessons, and tales of dotting the dragon's eyes), and he is a ghost messenger also of the Netherworld. So, I don't really have any good explanation other than a reach. Regardless, Jing Qi reincarnates, but Wuxi is unable to reincarnate with him, despite originally being a mortal.
Hu Jia comments that Jing Qi has suffered such ill fates, despite not doing many wicked things in his lives with Helian Yi. Bai Wuchang gives the excuse that it's difficult to calculate karma, but this might actually be because Jing Qi was not able to fulfill his destiny with Bai Wuchang, because he was the only one who reincarnated. Instead, he became destined with Helian Yi due to a karmic misallocation. His hair even turns white before the age of 33 in his first life, which also could also be a sign of imbalance or misallocation.
After Bai Wuchang sacrifices his cultivation, he reincarnates as Wuxi. And who is Wuxi infatuated with (who was Bai Wuchang waiting for, who does Bai Wuchang grow increasingly obsessed with, who was his predestined one)? Jing Qi.
But Jing Qi doesn't have memories of lives prior to Helian Yi. This could just be explained by Jing Qi drinking Meng Po's soup like a normal person, but it's been stated before that the soup doesn't work very well on him (because he's special). Bai Wuchang notes that Jing Qi's hun souls are still in the mortal realm, and not in the Netherworld with him. The hun souls are responsible for higher functions, like consciousness/awareness/intelligence. If Jing Qi is missing his hun souls, then this can explain his confused state at the beginning of the novel, and his lack of memory.
But, well, even if I'm grasping at sraws, I will also just present to you this passage (also from Chichi's translation):
Therefore, at first light, Jing Qi was wrapped in a pocket-sized version of Court dress, which had three layers inside and three layers out, then floated into the palace with his eyes half-open, about to meet the one predestined to be tangled up with him for his entire lifetime.
Wuxi and Jing Qi are a predestined love, though they were not the predestined love that Jing Qi was led to believe he was meant to fulfill
#this is mostly just me reaching. so if you have anything that contradicts or whatever you're probably right#qi ye#lord seventh#danny💫
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au where there's like a paperwork error and sasuke ends up on team eight. but no one else's placement changes. so kakashi has to deal with just naruto and sakura, who isn't filtering herself at all. or better yet, sasuke gets swapped with kiba, so kakashi has to deal with three loudmouth hotheads, one of whom can just track him down whenever he's late.
meanwhile kurenai's first lesson is homicide 101 and sasuke thinks he just hit the team jackpot
#naruto#team seven#team eight#uchiha sasuke#yuuhi kurenai#kurenai: ok kids now that we've all introduced each other i'm giving you a test to see if you're really ready to be genin#kurenai: the test is murder btw. afterwards we'll go over better and more creative ways to do murder#sasuke: this is the best possible thing that could have happened to me#meanwhile kakashi has a massive headache bc the only person on his team with any kind of volume control is akamaru#kakashi: ur the only one i can trust buddy#akamaru: bork#kakashi's ninken absolutely adore akamaru#sakura gets a headstart on medic-ing bc hana shows up to meet her lil bro's new team#also sasuke feels weird without someone challenging him to a fight every 20 minutes so he starts hoping one of his teammates will#shino gets sick of sasuke's incredibly awkward attempts at egging him on and persuades hinata to make sasuke her rival#yes they bond over their obsession with naruto what about it#hinata is. not good at being a rival#but she's trying#hinata: um sasuke-kun i bet. i bet. um i bet i can get to the top of this tree f-faster than you...#hinata: um but only by a little bit actually y-you'll be right behind me in fact you'll probably do it better but um.#sasuke: we can just start hitting each other if that's easier for you#hinata: oh cool just like my home life. yeah i can do that#shino: i'm a genius
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you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.
you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.
so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.
you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.
you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.
you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.
you know you broke the rule by interacting.
but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.
#before i maybe get yelled at:#1) no i do not think ppl are evil for having men dnis no i do not think these are all equal transgressions even#though there is an overlap that should be examined that i think is based in a degree of lesbian separatism + exclusionism#2) yes there are lesbian blogs and people that are cool about genderfucky people. i'm not talking about them#3) this is a stylized vent post about trying to find lesbian content on tumblr that isn't like this. all these dnis/rules are ones i have#encountered. no i do not literally tell these people to change their dnis to suit me. the conversations are symbolic and ideological in#nature. if i find a blog with men dni i generally go somewhere else. it's about emotions. it's about my feelings on that it's not literally#about dming someone demanding they change things. it's not about demanding that You change things or else you're a bad person.#4) it is about the conflicts and hypocrisy and inconsistency of strict and exclusive sexuality labels persisting in gender-diverse spaces#and how it affects me as a lesbian who is a man who is a woman who is fucking whatever else. and yes it is about transphobia too.#5) it's about how lesbians feel the need to exclude men and how i think efforts to do so fail and hurt ppl and are often misguided#tht i think also comes up in like. bi lesbian/mspec lesbian/gaybian discourse. i'm not any of those myself but it seems like there's overla#6) if this post seems whiny and sad and insecure that's because it probably is. i have a right to be all of those things.#7) no i do not think all lesbians are man-hating assholes. i am a lesbian. i love lesbians. i love dykes and most of them are fantastic ppl#i just think the general bullshit of the world leads to this defensive thing that ends up hurting others in our community y'know?#8) i get that my perspective/experience is a bit unusual and many lovely ppl haven't considered it. that's part of why i'm sharing this#nyarla dni#<- sorry man it's too vulnerable. gonna keep this one to the internet-only folks#adding this wayy later but a crucial part of the experience i Almost talked about it this but never explicitly did was that like#the measures ppl take to 'defend against men' are often deeply transmisogynistic as well. obviously#and when i see that it hurts me too. not that it hits me the same way when strangers assume im a trans woman and hate me for it#but it doesn't feel good to see transphobia at all. i focused on how that relates to other kinds of transphobia#namely transandrophobia here but like. it's all connected. lesbain separatism + exclusionism relies on both and they aren't always#distinct experiences. ime. anyway trans ppl i love all of you forever#i just thought me writing “*turns to the camera* and trans women exp this too.' wouldve been too much even for this post#i figured the audience would like. know that. and so far it hasn't been an issue. i have not been yelled at thanks guys 🫶
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girlbossed too hard.... unless...
#like a lot of stuff about kh. one thing being its sprawling plot. love it all fitting together like that#anyway wanted to write a story like that. here i am with my ocs. and now im worried ive made it too confusing#1. maybe it's just because I haven't finished fixing plot holes? 2. maybe it's bc im not telling it in the right order? (random comics)#3. maybe it's because I assume ppl know more than they probably remember? 4. maybe im bad at explaining it?#anyway I talk to ppl about it and they're like ???? about things so now im like hm. i done messed up#problem is. it all makes perfect sense in my head#nomura is this how you felt? is this just the consequences of my actions??#anyway rip me. doomed to pain and suffering since the days of my youth#wanna get better at talking and expressing things but ACK. so hard!!!!#august rambles#text#you may be thinking huh?? you're expressing something rn. and yes. you see. my disease is so annoying. it is not consistent#sometimes I think about it enough i think about ways to talk about it. sometimes I think about it enough and it soaks into my life so...#someone else goes 'hey whats that?' and i go 'oh tiny info about it' as if secretly the person knew everything else because uh#i thought about it so hard. it must be common knowledge??? i don't know things other people don't??#anyway screaming crying i feel like I'm not expressing this right. doomed.
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sorry i saw a long post complaining about iphones & i am compelled to remind everyone that you can just buy a cheap android phone? figure out what your personal dealbreakers are, google around a little, read some reviews. i have a unihertz phone that cost $200, has expandable storage & a headphone jack, & also just for kicks has an IR blaster & FM radio receiver. you can have a good life! you do not have to buy iphone!
#sucks that the culture of forking android has more or less died. i would love to run a degoogled android fork#however nobody has made one that supports my weird phone. so like if your real dream is to run a de-googled device#you should probably buy a google pixel. they have solid privacy features at a hardware level & there are active android forks for them#you can get a refurb model so you're not buying straight from google if you want. personally my dealbreaker was headphone jack#i'm just continually baffled by how other people interact with their technology. they can't make u do stuff guys. u can just not buy phone.#also also if you have any reason to expect that police might be interested in your phone you shouldn't set up biometrics#because the current jurisprudence says that it's a violation of your 5th amendment right to not self-incriminate to make you#hand over your passcode but it is NOT a violation of same to make you touch the fingerprint sensor or whatever. just fun fact#sorry again for being gadget-y. yes i listen to the vergecast no i will not improve#please do not buy iphone unless you actively want iphone & honestly even then are u sure? really? iphone? come on
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i am keeping both freminet and chongyun on my team and using them both as dps i do not care that they are both cryo claymore characters (so less capability for elemental reactions) cause they are my silly little autism children and i love them and i will protect them with my life and nothing that anyone says can stop me
oh yeah also i pulled the bell for the first time today and yes apparently it is by far not the best weapon for chongyun but it FITS HIM SO WELL so i simply do not care
like look at my boy 🥹 it matches his belt 🥹
#when you're playing genshin for the character personalities and the aesthetic not the efficiency#will i likely ever totally ace the spiral abyss? no. do i care? no. cause CHONGYUN IS COMING WITH ME NO MATTER WHAT#the reason why im so adamant on chongyun is cause im currently maining freminet. so he's my highest dps char atm so ofc he'll be on the tea#god i literally love them both so much#freminet is dissociation other-people-are-confusing-and-i-don't-like-that autism#that line about him wanting to go to the bottom of the ocean makes me feel every time#like... me too buddy me too#and then chongyun is special interest autusm#he reminds me of mob that's probably why i love him so much#BUT HE'S SO LIKE. I WILL DO THIS. AND DO IT RIGHT.#LIKE YES MY BOY GO YOU#anyways i have adopted them both#screw you arlecchino freminet is my son now#genshin#genshin impact#freminet#freminet genshin#chongyun#chongyun genshin impact#genshin cryo#also love the fact that the bell‚ my weapon for chongyun‚ is bigger and beefier than archaeic prototype‚ my weapon for freminet#just like freminet has a faster attack speed than chongyun#so it's like... one weapon seems lighter than the other#i was so proud when i realised that i had inadvertently done that and added physics where physics doesn't exist#thoughts n rambles#^ i meant prototype archaid. my bad :')
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One thing that has deeply annoyed me about the response from Americans/Westerners about this week's events in Korea is that a lot of them, including people I like and respect, are like, "The protesting civilians and lawmakers who barged into the National Assembly would've been shot if this were the U.S./this would've never happened in the U.S. because people are too afraid of being shot." There's some truth to that, at least with regard to state violence, but I'm fed up because it doesn't account for how frightening this could have turned out to be had it not been for how much of an inept flop dunce Yoon Sukyeol is. It minimizes the courage of those who showed up.
Sure, it was likely that the military and riot police wouldn't have done much (again, YSY's self-coup wasn't thought out well, and there's more evidence of that as military officials and soldiers are speaking up about the lack of information they received, but I'll refrain from talking about that to avoid making this even longer than it inevitably will be, knowing myself), but let's not pretend there haven't been issues with them in recent years. They pepper sprayed and used water cannons during an anniversary rally for the Sewol ferry victims (x) (x) (if you don't understand how unbelievably cruel that is, look into the horrific Sewol ferry sinking). They tear gassed crowds (Korea has a gruesome history of this) and sprayed water cannons, and citizens have been injured and killed during the 2015 protests and 2016-17 Park Geunhye impeachment protests, notably Baek Namgi, an elderly activist whose death caused global outrage (x) (x). Park Geunhye was going to enforce martial law during those protests according to a leaked document, with hundreds of tanks, thousands of soldiers and special force troops! (x)
Not to mention, there are decades of extreme state violence that have scarred an entire country and are still super fresh for a huge percentage of the population. Again, check out that tear gas history piece. Look up the April Revolution, Gwangju massacre, and June uprising and see just how bloody they were. Thousands of civilians were tortured and killed. Look at how many protests were going on year after year during the 1980s. That isn't that long ago! All those older people who ran to the National Assembly to stop the coup? You bet a lot of them were college students who protested during that time or knew people who did. All the younger people? They may not have experienced what it was like living under martial law, but as I said, state violence still occurs, however much it's dwindled over the years, and you have to account for generational trauma. I don't think I'll ever forget the way I felt when I saw the breaking news alert about the martial law declaration on December 3. I've never experienced that, at least to that degree.
Instead of viewing the response from civilians and elected officials through the framework of police brutality in the U.S., it should be contextualized using Korea's own history. Thankfully most of the serious discussions are doing this, but like I said, even people who are smart about reading up on things have reflected on how this wouldn't fly in the U.S., not because of the difference in protest history, civil movements, and public engagement with both in the two countries but because of the military/police response. There's an insinuation there that Koreans would be more reluctant to do what they did if they knew what it's like to live in fear of violence instead of living in such a safe country like Korea...and I want to yell.
It was monumentally brave of everyone to do what they did to stop the coup. We're all laughing at how stupid the coup was and there's a reason why people were more furious than scared because of the political history of Korea and the laws set in place to protect the democracy and neutralize coup attempts, but this could have easily become a disaster. It's not alarmist of me to say so because there was no way for anyone to be 100% sure of how the military would react—especially when no one knew what the hell was going on.
#i am...not vibing with these posts about how people are like 'omg those poor soldiers/good on them for dragging their feet'#yes mandatory military service means being there against your will#and i DO believe a lot of soldiers probably were super shaken or confused by what was going on#especially with the news coming out that soldiers weren't aware of what their mission was#to find out your orders and see your people look at you with rage disgust and maybe even fear especially as a young person...#i get that it's upsetting and you can tell that a lot of them didn't want to be there!#but lol are we forgetting there are people who weren't conscripts involved?#are we forgetting that people will follow directions if it's drilled into them to do say especially with the threat of retaliation?#are we forgetting that mandatory military service goes back decades#and amazingly soldiers and police still committed atrocities against civilians during previous protests or what?#idk i think it's your moral duty to engage in weaponized incompetence malicious compliance insubordination etc.#when you're asked to do something evil so i don't really want to praise people for being decent#even if i'm glad they did and i'm relieved they did it you know? but that's just me#omg sorry i'm ranting. ANYWAY! history in every single country has shown#how easy it can be for things to go south rapidly so while there were things that made the coup expire as quickly as it did#and it's HILARIOUS and i'm enjoying myself...it could have turned out very different#just a few wrong turns—just ONE wrong turn—and it could have been bad#rules and orders are good and all but if someone wants to commit violence they will do it#i'm just relieved i didn't have time to worry myself sick over this before it was all over lmao#so i can just feel a lot of pride and admiration for everyone doing their best to exercise and protect their rights#and do it with great panache and fun. the protests are like concerts! the protest songs are so funny#the signs!!!!! i'm dying over them. the number of people paying for food and drinks for the protestors#enough that businesses in the protest areas had to stop taking prepaid orders!#the older people who said they have to get to the front that night to protect all the young protestors with their bodies#in case the military tries to attack civilians! 😭 that part made me almost cry#the ajusshi who (drunkenly?) shouted how much he loved all his friends who came out to protest like the old days#democracy is fragile and we have to protect it#and i think korea right now is a shining beacon of the power of the people
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