#so why not just teach me how to write one myself anyway? and then i'd have that skill for the future once i do have some experience!

[katebihshop]

why did i talk to a career coach just for her to tell me to use chatgpt i hate it here

[inniave]

posting music is scary but i'm going to keep at it because otherwise i don't think i'll ever release anything at all and at some point i *do* want to actually put together a project For Realsies so i gotta get over my fear but damn this fears got hands 😭

[useyourwordsdarling]

hii, was feeling super shy to write but it's mid of the night, I am half asleep, half horny and I can't help it anymore

first of all thank u for the great posts, you're honestly such a good writer

sooo it's not exactly my area of expertise but I'm thinking of coding an AI that can write just like u.. for funsies (or more) (hope u don't mind)

also u talked about being a calc tutor and enjoying it and I relate sm! I peer tutored stats and calc courses during the beginning of my 2nd year of uni (I still want u to tutor me tho 💕), didn't think I'd enjoy it but it was fun interacting w new people and helping them out but it got stressful so I quit 😞

any tips for juggling work, school, & life? I feel like I have too much I wanna do but not enough time/energy/motivation

anyways this was all over the place so thanks for reading, hope u have a good day/night 🦋

Awh that’s actually so sweet, thank you. And as to the AI part, even if it’s out of my area (I’d love to learn to program on that level tho) it does seem possible. But it’s probably easier to make an AI bot rather than code your own. There’s plenty of those AI bot websites you can check and if you have a sample of text big enough to input into it you might be able to get somewhat similar results. So if you just used my posts for that it should work? But I can’t say for sure

I wouldn’t mind if someone did that especially since it’s out of my control people can do it either way. But I really do wonder just how accurate it would be because I can see it being shit too and that’d be pretty funny. Teaching can be fun but it’s definitely tiring and not for everybody, I wouldn’t say it’s for me either but it was a nice experience to have

I’m probably one of the worst people you could ask how to have a work life balance like that…While working at my final project at my uni my professor who was assisting me with my thesis started to actually be worried and feel bad about how much time I spent on it…I’d sometimes spend the night working on it, and he felt pretty bad so I started working on it in the dark in the lab we got in hopes he wouldn’t notice I was there which isn’t great..

But I do think this balance it’s an important thing to have, I certainly should work more on it myself. I think it comes to not trying to be as productive as possible too, it’s okay to take breaks. It’s okay to do things that aren’t “productive”. We are still human at the end of the day, if we keep trying to work work and work, we’ll inevitably hit a wall. That’s why burn outs are a thing. This might not feel much of an advice, since I don’t know the solution myself. But I think related to knowing your priories, especially people in your life you want to keep close. And know when to spend time with them, because that’s still much more important than work or studying in the end

[oldiesstationlover11607]

Hello. It’s me, anonymous (yes. I am the person who submitted the torchbearer request. That was amazing by the way! You’re an amazing writer!).

I feel bad asking for another TØP one shot (another Josh one on top of that), but I was wondering if you could do a fluffy one where Josh teaches the reader to play the drums a little bit everyday after soundcheck for the Clancy tour, but they don’t tell Tyler (no reason. They just want to mess with him). You can end it however you want, but I think it would be cute Tyler accidentally interrupts a cute moment Josh and the reader are having.

You don’t have to follow this exactly (or at all), I just think it’s cute. Only if you want to of course.

Drum lessons - Josh Dun x Reader

Pairing: Josh Dun x Reader

Warnings: None! Super fluffy <3

A/N: Dude I love tøp and have been waiting for someone to just throw requests my way so NEVER feel bad for requesting tøp. They’re my main fandom anyways and no one has been requesting them so ily 🤟 I'd love to assign you an anon emoji so I know who my anons are so let me know which one you want next time you request. And keep requesting! I write for both Josh and Tyler (and I love Josh a lot so keep them coming!)

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’d watched Josh play drums and wondered how on earth he managed to get each of his limbs to move at different speeds. I’d played guitar before, and I understood how piano worked, but drums just left me clueless. The boys had been practising for the Clancy tour for a few days, and it was the last day before we travelled to Denver. Tyler had gone to get changed and shower before driving home, but Josh and I stayed behind to talk to Mark and film some stuff. The red drum kit sat alone on the stage. I stared at it before sitting behind it and holding the sticks.

“Look at you!” Josh laughed. I smiled brightly at him. “Well if you’re gonna be behind the kit at least play me something.” I hit the snare, kick, and cymbals making a loud (and awful) sound. I burst out laughing, knowing it sounded terrible yet I was thoroughly enjoying myself. 

“I should replace you as the drummer shouldn’t I?” I grinned. He walked up behind me, holding me in a backwards hug. Pressing his lips to my cheek, he whispered “Not quite.” I looked around to see the crew were all gone. “I could teach you though.” He had to be joking. Yeah, I could play guitar and was interested in what Josh did, but he was crazy to think I had the coordination even to play something basic. 

“Haha funny,” I smirked, putting the sticks down and getting up. 

“No, seriously,” he followed quickly behind me as I grabbed my stuff and headed to our car. “It would be something cool for us to do together on tour. Tyler normally leaves after soundcheck to hang with Jenna and the kids. We’d have time.” He was right. I really did want to learn to play drums; they’d always fascinated me. “Come on… it would be fun,” Josh enticed, getting into the car. 

“Yeah, okay,” I nodded, “let’s do it.” 

The first ‘session’ was a disaster. He’d attempted to get me to do a ‘basic’ drum beat he called some complicated name I’d forgotten the name of by the time I sat down. 

“No, no, like this.” He hit one of the drums before stopping to let me try. I’d just stayed to get it before we were told to get off stage. “You’ll get it next time y/n, trust me,” Josh reached for my hand and led me down the halls of the venue. 

“Why don’t we just choose a pilots’ song and you teach me that? Surely there’s an easy one?” I asked. He perked up in excitement. 

“Yeah, that’s a great idea. Routines isn’t too hard, we could even get out up on stage once you get it down,” he smiled. There was no way on earth that would ever happen. 

“Sure Josh, sure,” I rolled my eyes. 

A few sessions later I was starting to get the handle of it. Josh would play the track on his phone and tell me which drums to hit and when until I remembered what to do. 

“Kick, snare, kick, kick, kick, snare. Oh, and remember to keep hitting the high hat the whole time.” I continued to play the song while Josh air drummed and Tyler’s voice played in the background. “Yes! There you go!” I flashed him a smile as I hit the last drumbeat in the song. Josh snuck up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pressing his lips to mine. I kissed him back, cupping his jaw and smiling into the kiss. Josh’s baseball cap brushed against my forehead as we pulled away. I pull it off him and put it on backwards, just like him. 

“Drums are actually kinda fun.”

“Of course they are. I told you, you could do it,” he still held me close in his arms, “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” I brushed one of his loose curls out of his face, wondering how lucky I was to have him. He turned his head into my hand, pressing his lips to my palm. “You’re my favourite person.” The curtains backstage ruffled as Tyler stepped out onto the stage. 

“Josh you’re still practicing? I thought we finished soundcheck,” he shouted, running across the venue to the B-stage drum island. “We already did Routines.” Tyler was dressed in his first tour outfit, holding the Clancy mask in his hand. Josh rested his head in the crook of my neck as he looked at Tyler. “Oh shoot, sorry,” Tyler smiled awkwardly, realizing the position we were in, “I didn’t realise you were uh… what was it you were doing?” I waited for Josh to say something, but he stayed quiet. Tyler waited patiently for either of us to answer the question. “Wait, was y/n playing?” A more confident smile spread across his face. Josh sat up and nodded eagerly at Tyler.

“Yep, I taught her the song, she’s amazing isn’t she?” 

“Yeah, I genuinely thought you were Josh with that hat and the drumming over the speakers,” Tyler said, sitting down on the b-stage just next to the drum kit. “You know, it would be cool to have you on stage together playing.” I knew this was coming. I could practically feel the smirk grow on Josh’s face. “And I’m guessing he’s already tried to convince you. I’m sure we can set that up, the fans would go crazy,” he rested his head on his hands, staring up at the roof of the venue. I placed the drumsticks back into their storage cup before getting up from the kit and sitting in front of Josh on the floor. He nudged me, trying to bring my attention to the idea of playing on stage. 

“I-uh… I don’t think it’s for me, you know. You guys perform in front of massive crowds and given that it took me 3 weeks to talk to Josh after we properly met, my anxiety could never,” I pulled at the sleeves of my sweater nervously. 

Tyler smiled at me, knowingly, “I get it, it takes a lot to perform in front of people every night.” I nodded, glad he understood my situation. 

“Just know that I can make it happen if you want it to,” Josh smiled. 

“Of course you can.”

//

Please submit any requests y'all have! I love to write so let me know if you've got any!

[actuallyadhd]

Book: The Procrastination Equation Subtitle: How to Stop Putting Things Off and Start Getting Stuff Done Author: Piers Steel, PhD Publisher: Random House Canada Year: 2010

This isn't going to be a really formal book review or anything, I just thought I'd provide you guys with the pertinent information, in case you want to read it yourselves. :)

So, basically, Piers Steel is an industrial psychologist who specializes in procrastination. He teaches at the University of Calgary, in the Haskayne School of Business. He started studying procrastination because he procrastinated, so once again we have an expert who used his own problems to influence his studies. :D

The procrastination equation isn't a real equation - that is, it's not something you can plug actual numbers into and figure out what your procrastination number is. It's more of a theoretical approach to the definition of procrastination, that explains how and why people procrastinate. Written as a mathematical equation, it looks like the picture at the top of this post.

In other words, what we expect to receive for a task, multiplied by its intrinsic value (to us), all divided by how impulsive we are times how far away the due date is, equals how motivated we are to actually work on the task in question. The less motivated we are, the more we're going to put it off. This is why so many post-secondary papers are written the night before they're due: the papers are assigned months ahead of time, there is no certain expectancy of a good grade, and young adults are rather impulsive and don't really like working hard on things anyway. So the motivation to write the paper is really low until just before it's due.

One of the things I found really interesting about this book was the stuff about how brain function affects procrastination. Basically, it's the conflict between the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex that buggers us up. In reading about this, I kept thinking to myself, "he's describing ADHD!" but he never uses the term once, in the entire book.

The limbic system is the part of our brain that makes us do things when we want to do them. It's basically the seat of impulsivity. (Oh, by the way, he uses the word "impulsiveness" throughout the book. I prefer "impulsivity," even if my spell checker doesn't believe it's a word.) The limbic system is perfect for a hunter-gatherer society. Of course, evolution means that we are always perfectly designed for the environment we no longer live in. :)

The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that deals with executive functioning. It's where we make plans, follow through on plans, and all that other great stuff that is basically contrary to the nature of the limbic system.

On to the practical stuff...

First there was a self-assessment quiz (it's in chapter two, if you decide to read the book). People procrastinate because they have low expectancy, low value, or high impulsivity. As it turns out, my problem is mostly with impulsivity. In other words, I postpone doing things until the last minute because other stuff keeps catching my attention. I do the other things first, not because I don't think the first tasks are important (value) or will pay off in the end (expectancy) but because whatever it is that I end up doing instead is just way more interesting in the moment--long-term thinking just isn't my strong suit. (I'm pretty sure this is due to ADHD because I would always do all the research for a paper right when it was assigned, and then sit on my notes and let things percolate until the night before it was due. So I'd be completely prepared for the assignment and not complete it, even though I had everything I needed in order to do so.)

Chapters 7-9 are the ones that have the actual practical approaches to combat procrastination. I took notes on all of them, but of course not all of them are techniques that are going to be useful for me. I'm going to copy my notes anyway, though, because some of you guys might get something out of it, too. :)

Each bold header below has to do with a reason for doing something; the italicized sub-headers are the names of the ways you can deal with problems in that area, and are followed by explanations of how the methods work.

Expectancy

Success Spirals (+)

Set an ongoing series of challenging but ultimately achievable goals; maximize motivation and make the achievement meaningful.

Think of an area of life of real interest and strive to improve just a little beyond your current skill set.

Break town the tasks that daunt you into smaller and smaller pieces. Keep formal track of your progress. Count your successes.

Vicarious Victory (+)

Find an inspirational role model and/or a positive social peer group.

Seek inspiration from stories or others; it is easier to believe in yourself if you are surrounded by people who believe in themselves--or you!

Join a community, service, or professional organization.

Start your own support group; can be anyone, as long as it is mutually encouraging friends.

Wish Fulfillment (+)

Visualization, either mental contrasting (what you want vs what you have) or creative visualization (what you want, as per The Secret; not as effective as contrasting).

Think about the life you want; focus on just one aspect (break it down!); elaborate on what makes it attractive (e.g., diary, collage, quiet concentration); mentally contrast future with present, focusing on the gap.

Plan for the Worst, hope for the Best (-)

Rather than believing you can entirely and easily beat the problem of procrastination, believe that you can beat it down.

Determine what could go wrong, reflect honestly on past experiences, and ask for advice; list ways you habitually procrastinate and post it where you work; avoid pre-determined risks as much as possible; develop a recovery plan ahead of time; use the recovery plan.

Accept that You're Addicted to Delay (-)

Acknowledge powerlessness over procrastination: truly acknowledging that any single failure of willpower inevitably leads to the collapse of all your self-control gives you far more motivation than believing that occasional lapses can be safely contained.

Keep a daily log of procrastination habits; acknowledge that a weak will is the biggest problem, and "just once" is the beginning of the end; accept that the first delay justifies all the rest of them.

Value

Games and Goals

Finding the balance between the difficulty of your task and your ability to do it is a key component for creating flow, a state of total engagement.

The rist of procrastination diminishes when tasks are relevant, instrumentally connected to topics and goals of personal significance.

You need a string of future goals that you find intrinsically motivating to hook your present responsibilities onto.

Frame long-term goals in terms of the success you want to achieve (approach goal) rather than the failure you want to prevent (avoidance goal).

Make tasks more challenging; connect tasks to long-term goals (what you find intrinsically motivating); frame goals in terms of what you want to achieve rather than what you want to avoid.

Energy Crisis

Spoons (mental and physical).

Do difficult tasks at peak performance times; don't get hungry; exercise lots; make sleep predictable; respect your limitations.

You Should See the Task I'm Avoiding

Doing other things instead of the thing we're supposed to be doing - getting things done, but not the "right" thing.

Identify something you've been putting off, then things that are more enjoyable and do them instead/first.

Double or Nothing

Procrastinators tend not to reward themselves for getting things done.

Anticipated rewards make the work more enjoyable, which helps winning.

List rewards you can self-administer, promise yourself these rewards; consider ways of making tasks more enjoyable (pairing) without overriding the work.

Let Your Passion be Your Vocation

Finding work you want to do is a major step toward avoiding procrastination.

http://online.onetcenter.org/find/descriptor/browse/Interests

Look at careers involving activities you love or like doing; filter out all the occupations for which you don't possess skill or ability; rank by demand.

http://careervision.org

Impulsivity

Commit Now to Bondage, Satiation, and Poison

As you get closer to a temptation, your desire for it peaks, allowing the temptation to trump later but better options.

Throw away the key: eliminate the alternatives.

SatiationL meet your needs in a safe and managed manner before they intensify and take control (schedule recreational activities first, then add chores - "unschedule").

Try poison: punish failure.

http://www.stickk.com/

Identify your temptations, then...

Put them out of reach or far away;

Satisfy your needs first; or

Add disincentives to make them unattractive.

Making Paying Attention Pay

Inside out: pay attention please!

Frame in terms of abstract and symbolic features.

Ascribe negative qualities and consequences.

Outside in: now you see it, now you don't.

Regain stimulus control by making it harder to access or even notice the temptations.

Declutter and replace the clutter with triggers for tasks you usually procrastinate on.

Make workplace a cue by working until motivation disappears; then go elsewhere to goof off (this could be just another profile ont he same computer so you have to log off and back in if you are going to goof off).

Use covert sensitization to make distractions less inviting; focus on abstract aspects of temptations; eliminate cues; replace distraction cues with work-related cues; compartmentalize work and play as much as possible.

Scoring Goals

The finish line is just ahead.

Set corporeal goals with real deadlines, use mini-goals to get started on a task, structure the goals so that they are appealing (i.e., inputs [time invested] vs outputs [what's produced]).

Full automatic.

Intentionally adopt a routine; make an explicit intention to act (if-then is pretty good for this).

Frame your goals in specific terms so that you know precisely when you have to achieve them; break down long-term goals into a series of short-term objectives; organize your goals into routines that occur regularly at the same time and place.

"Optimal self-control involves not the denial of emotions but a respect for them."

[zanarkandfayth]

Happy Storyteller Saturday!

What inspired you to write Monsters Running Wild (Inside of Me), if it's not too difficult for you to talk about (given the subject matter of the story)? If it's too personal to share, (or you can also treat this as a bonus question!), what was your favourite comfort scene to write in that story?

thank you for the ask! I don't mind sharing though it's definitely gonna be a long, personal answer. also I laugh every time I see the title written out in full because I deliberately wrote it that way in an attempt to maybe discourage people from reading (don't ask lmao) and it makes me cringe. I should really remove the parentheses, or shorten the title maybe. ahem. anyways.

hhhh okay so I tend to be an oversharer so I will try to tone it down. the less-detailed answer is that I started writing monsters around early August 2022 I think? towards the beginning of that year I had two friendships blow up, the important one being the one with my bestie where our problems had been building for two years.

then in June the stomach problems I'd been having on and off since late 2019 that my doctor dismissed blew up, like "pain so bad for three days until I broke down and asked my mom to take me to urgent care and they sent me to the ER" blew up. which led to constant medical appointments and "throw medications at the wall and see what sticks" approaches, because nobody could find anything wrong with me. scans and tests kept coming back normal. I also had some separate health problems crop up during this point which just worsened things.

it is also notable that I'd been trying to move to Japan and teach English, which my stomach problems forced me to give up on, and that hurt a lot too.

so, yeah, basically mad depression over everything, I found myself feeling suicidal, and like. I have a past attempt. the mental hospital I got forced into for four days nearly killed me. that's not an exaggeration. I passed out and stopped breathing because they gave me two clashing medications. I really, really didn't wanna wind up back there if I failed in another attempt, and tbh, I didn't really WANT to make another attempt. but thoughts were in my head and I have no access to mental health care.

so in desperation I turned to fic. I wanted a long, angsty fic set before the game with a suicidal noct and ignis taking care of him, but there were none that I could find. and at this time, I had been working on another ffxv fic since November 2019, it was over 500k and nowhere near being finished (it's not posted anywhere rn except privately for people who are interested, because it's now over 600k and still not finished, send help) and I was. getting a little burnt out lol. so I was like "yeah okay, I can take a break to write something short with noct attempting to kill himself that's just for me"

I wrote it in my private just-for-me discord server. I had nothing specific in mind, I just started writing and let the words take me wherever they wanted. it was still largely the first chapter of monsters that is posted now, except there was no ignoct. when it was done, I shared it with the not-bestie, who loved it and then said something about how "if ignis hadn't shown up when he did then noct would have died and how would Ignis have felt coming in to yell at noct only to find him dead" and that they wanted to see Ignis have a nightmare about that.

I had already been on the fence about whether I wanted to write more, because I'd wanted more comfort than what I'd written and I also wanted to have Ignis find a note from noct, but I still had other fic to work on, but the not-bestie wanting a nightmare made me decide to at least (probably) write a second part.

I didn't, though, for like a month? I went back to the other fic. don't remember why I picked up monsters again, probably just still struggling with thoughts. I polished the first chapter and added a bit to make it ignoct, then I wrote out the second chapter with Ignis finding the note and the third chapter with him having the nightmare, then I kept going with noct being in the hospital and by that point a rough semblance of a plot idea was starting to form, so I decided to keep going and see where it took me.

that is probably about the point where my rocky frienship with the not-bestie started inspiring/influencing the fic. because I was talking with them a lot, but we weren't okay and we both knew it and it upset me. though to be clear, noct and iggy's messed up frienship is nothing like mine, I gave them their own problems, but it still felt really cathartic to write something where they weren't okay for a long time.

so yeah, the really really short answer is "I was fucked up and my most meaningful (but platonic) friendship was fucked up and it inspired me to write a fic where noct and ignis were fucked up (but still gay for each other) and then it just kept going" (:

also, bonus question... the stargazing at the sky walk scene is my overall fave, but I'm not sure that counts as enough comfort, so I'll say the scene at the end of chapter 31, where noct asks ignis what it was like for him when he walked in on noct's attempt. because they're both so touchy-feely and vulnerable and intimate and for all ignis' denial about their relationship, he knows, THEY know, they know they know, and also for a fic that is largely about ignis comforting/supporting noct, I love that noct is the one doing the primary comforting and supporting in that scene. it was so lovely to write.

I think this answer is too long. sorry 💀

[bomberqueen17]

what is up froods

lol i keep forgetting to like. actually write updates in my personal journal. i'm using this tumblr too much like a tumblr.

i went down a rabbit hole the other night in that i just opened my own archives and went back to 2013 and then realized i started this in 2011. i didn't say a lot, back then i definitely was still using my LJ for Big Personal Updates and Tumblr was exclusively for snappy shitposts, and then I abandoned the LJ and only blogged in snappy shitposts for a while, and I did some vagueblogging that I genuinely have no idea what it was about, and that's fun.

But there's some. Boy there's some real fossils in there. God everything stays the same but everything happens so much.

I know I've backed up this blog but IDK how much you can make it make sense, offline. Anyway. That's how it goes. I'm not in any kind of existential panic about the site I'm just reacting to the zeigeist here, it made me think of old times.

I go back to the farm in a couple of weeks-- just for a couple of weeks, but the Season is Starting. My physical therapist keeps giving me more exercises. She's right, my core strength is wretched, but when I said I'd tried to do crunches now and then, tried to stay a tiny bit fit but-- she was like omg no you can't do crunches, with that hip cartilage as it is, so I felt a little better. So she's teaching me what I *can* do, and the important thing is that she's like you cannot do this more than every other day or three times a week, you cannot rush this kind of thing, and it's wonderful advice contrary to all the other advice I've ever had in my life which was like every moment you're not doing more work you're being a lazy shit. So, that's nice. I'll cut because nothing else here is going to be interesting.

I'm not the youngest person at physical therapy but there's a lot of old people there. I haven't been masking, I've been being lazy and just using xylitol nose spray before I go, and it's been fine, but I know that's just luck. (I see no one but Dude, who sees almost no one but me, so the consequences of fucking up would be minor.) with a trip to the farm coming up, I'm going to go back to masking, at least in the lead-up to the trip-- because last time I had COVID I had almost no symptoms, and nowadays apparently the rapid tests aren't super useful. The way I'm coping is, I know, a logical fallacy-- since COVID wasn't bad the one time I had it, I'm just telling myself I'm resistant naturally and it won't hurt me, and I know this is not the truth at all but it helps me cope-- but I cannot stand the thought of spreading it to someone who would be more hurt by it, so I have convinced myself not to fear catching it but to fear spreading it. I figure it's effectively the same and lets me not just be fucking terrified all the time.

I also discovered that a former employee of the farm who's out here going to college is interested in carpooling, and we've already got a tentative date for him to ride back with me on my way back from the farm at the end of March, and this has lightened my spirits a great deal. It's such a long drive and it feels like such a waste of gas, and he does have a car but it's not actually that safe to drive on the Thruway. (He swears up and down it's perfectly safe but just not at sustained speeds over 60. I was like omg kid do NOT, I will drive, my car is brand fkn new. He's taking the train home and will ride back with me.)

Let's see. Oh I don't think I've kept up with posting about the kitchen painting. It's down to the last tiny fiddly details, and what I've got to do is do a half-stencil in the corner above the door, and I did one half yesterday and will finish the rest today. I had to custom cut out a copy of part of the stencil to make it work, and it's sort of janky and I am going to have to hand-paint it with a lot of masking tape, but it's such a small area that like, why not, I can be that fussy. It's fine.

Once I finish that, which if I do part in the morning and part in the afternoon I can do today, then I can FINALLY CLEAN UP AND PUT AWAY all the painting detritus. I can't tell you how excited I am to do that.

I've also been doing fabric dyeing, finally. I collected several of the muslin garments I'd finished and meant to do something with, and got out my dyes. I did a batch of ice dye solely because I forgot which ones I'd intended to use for that; now I have a pair of slightly ill-fitting homemade leggings that look like a clown threw up on them, and a cheerful sweatshirt to match. i then used the runoff to dye the cream-colored canvas work smock-- I sort of tie-dyed it because I pasted up a little bit of two of the component colors and poured that on a couple areas that I then rubberbanded, because I wanted tie-dye but did not want any white areas left. So it's a blue/purple/red smock now, and the rainbow stitching I constructed it with was polyester so it's still rainbow, huzzah. Subtle and understated and also I can smear it with filth and maybe it will still look intentional.

[image description: a canvas work smock with big pockets, hanging to dry, mostly a mucky dark purple but with some brighter splotches of red and dark blue, and some bits of paler purple.]

[image description: assorted garments draped over drying racks in a sunporch, in blotchy shades of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, all kind of run together but not murky.]

And then I did another batch of ice dye, this time with the dyes I had bought that are supposed to work well for this because they split. That dress is still in the wash so I don't have pictures of how it turned out, but mostly it just looks splotchy green. LOL oh well. The point was, I made all these test garments in undyed fabric, but I don't have a lifestyle where I can wear a white dress, so now I have some non-white dresses I don't have to be precious about. Some of them I should now probably hem and like actually finish..........

I have one dress and one shirt left, and a pair of light-wash jeans I don't like wearing, and I'm thinking about trying like. Ombre or something. We'll see if I get around to that.

My sewing area is still a fuckin disaster and I don't want to think about it. But I'm cutting out a vest from scrap denim, I want a quilted abrasion-resistant washable work vest for farm work next week and I gotta get a move on. All I need now is to cut out the batting and get to it. So hopefully today.

I took photos, I might try writing up how-tos on the dyeing and on the repurposed denim stuff, but I also might not. If I was doing this again I would probably not bother with the ice, for the rainbow one. We'll see once the properly ice dyed dress comes out of this wash, I can hear the washer spinning but I'm trapped under Chita at the moment.

I missed this week's fic update because I'm progressing so slowly on both current active WIPs. I have a bunch written ahead in both, but each one has the back half of the current chapter just held up waiting for me to write them; I've overcome the structural decisions that delayed me, but I have to just sit and write them. And both of them are complicated scenes I've been waiting to write a long time, so I'm looking forward to writing them, and so like, paradoxically, can't make myself do it. Because once I've done it I'll have done it, see... anyway. Silly but there it is. I'll get through it once I decide I deserve that treat. I know! I know.

[sevicia]

Writer Guy's only "friend" who sucks majorly. Notes under da cut. Heart.

Firstly ☝️ he's heavily inspired by the experience of having someone follow you around even after you have told them very explicitly to stop doing so. Writer Guy will look him dead in the eye and say "I don't care about anything you have to say. Leave me alone, you annoy the shit outta me", and he'll just go "Bro you're always so funny LOL I'm probably the only one that gets ur sense of humor. Anyways, about my new podcast idea..."

This guy's deal is that he's obsessed with others' perception of him. He's an aspiring influencer and can't decide between being a youtuber, a streamer, or having a podcast. He's into crypto and defends NFTs like it's his job.

He met Writer Guy in college and has stuck to him like a leech ever since, even though they only had a few classes together. His reasoning was that Writer Guy seemed like the lone-wolf type and thus would attract attention with his ~mysterious~ charm, when in reality he was so boring that no one really paid him any mind. If you ask any of their ex-classmates, you'll find that no one really remembers either of them.

He spends a lot of time in r/shortguys and gets frustrated that he can't relate to the whole "women only ever pay attention to tall guys and we manlets are all martyrs" thing cause he's never even tried to get with a girl (he will lie about this). He's gay as hell but in almost complete denial. Genuinely believes stuff like "it's not gay with the socks on".

Unserious images that remind me of him:

I also gotta mention that his role in Mary and Writer Guy's story is very, very minimal, and that he never actually meets Mary. His story is a typical yaoi one where he falls in love with some guy and has one of those cliché "I'm not gay... why do I feel like this towards another man ?!?!!" moments. I chose to do it this way cuz I think it's funny as fuck to have him experience a romcom type thing while Writer Guy is basically Spongebob in the Silent Hill corridor.

I admit I'm not 100% sold on his hair, but it's brown for sure. Why? It just makes sense.

Some design notes including the other two:

Writer Guy is generally apathetic and would be considered boring at a surface level by 99,9% of the population. He teaches philosophy (ethics, specifically) at the college Mary attends, though they weren't aware of each other before The Events. His lectures are notoriously boring and many of his students sleep thru class or just skip them completely, but he passes them all anyways.

He's a writer in his spare time and writes trashy extreme horror on his (anonymous) blog, which is how Mary becomes aware of him. Stuff happens, his superiors (who are at best ambivalent towards him) find out about his hobby, he gets fired and doesn't care enough to defend himself or to raise any concerns about the school's attitude towards its teachers' private lives.

I also forgot to include his "On" design in the above pic, so here, a comparison:

I'm very obviously still figuring out how to draw him, but the drawing on the right is what he looks like at work. Just plain dorky and someone you would not look twice at.

I would also talk about his relationship with Mary, but for that I'd need to talk about Mary first, which I can't do rn cuz this post is already long enough and it's nearing 3 AM and she makes me absolutely BONKERS insane to the point I barely even know where to start when I wanna talk about her.

She's the only OC I have ever made a playlist for. I wish she was someone else's character so I could look at her without having to do the work myself.

A little fun fact about her is she used to dye her hair black before The Events. All I got for you rn.

OK that's all from me. For neoww...... Muah!

[bcbdrums]

🍓🕯️🔪

"🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?"

well. one day in 2004 when visiting my cousin in the hospital after her car accident. i missed an episode of Bonanza, due to...you know, being at the hospital. this was back in ye olden days of TV guides, recording things on VCR's, and....no....wikis.... not like we have now. no sites to tell you everything, no screencaps, no youtube... and ye olde dial-up internet days. and anyway.... the TV guide descrip made that episode sound thrilling. and...and i just had to know!

and i knew... i remember, knowing in my heart. that if i went online and tried to find out what happened. i'd never get off the computer again. well, i was right. the short conclusion to this tale is i found specific Bonanza fansites loaded with fanfiction!!! and i devoured it. i wanna say within the same month? i was hand-writing fanfic in spiral notebooks for Bonanza. still have that spiral notebook and that unfinished fic, literally locked in a treasure chest. and i still remember the entire plot, what i planned to do with it... yeah.

no, i never did find out what was in that episode i missed/didn't get to record... like i said, no wikis or anything of that nature... (we had to leave from school that day so i didn't get to go home and program the VCR; i'd not known that morning we'd be going to the hospital later.) and they didn't re-run the episode again... so i've still not seen it... but, i started writing fanfic that summer. a defining moment in my life. and yes, my cousin is well!

"🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that?"

ohhh, hmmm... idk if i could scale it. maybe right in the middle, a 5 or 6? this will make more sense if i describe my process perhaps.

so if i'm really in the writing zone, i just...plow ahead until i'm finished. and then i go back and edit. when i'm "in the zone" oftentimes i don't see things that could genuinely be improved by better phrasing, better language choices... they just elude me cuz i'm so hyperfixated on the story and it's so clear in my head, so, of course it's great on the page! (example: Forfeit was written this way.) usually i then just quickly fix obvious typos/grammar things and toss the fic into the void. then i'll return a few months later when it's no longer fresh, and then see soooo many things that could be better, and depending on my mood i'll go back and heavily edit, or, i won't.

the other process... if i'm not "in the zone" usually i write a few lines, get stuck, and to get myself unstuck i go back and edit what i've done. fixing things, adding things... and usually once those few lines are edited i have the next ones ready to be written in my head. it's a slower process overall.

editing for other people is a whole different ball game. i love doing that (as long as i'm in the mood/have the energy/time) because it helps me refine my writing craft too, in trying to assist someone with a totally different style than mine. it's great. and i've edited/beta-read for so many diff people now with such a variety of styles it's really making me more aware of my own, and how it's changed over the years. and i also just enjoy helping people.

the idea of something getting better just appeals to me i guess. it's a good feeling, it's productive. so in that sense, i enjoy editing. if i feel really stuck on a project, then it can become just another slow-down however. that would be the only negative i suppose.

"🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?"

haha, already answered this in a prior ask but i'll choose a different one.

i spent days learning how to waltz properly. all the techniques, and the process by which one learns... to write one character teaching another character, very, very methodically. and apparently i did it well, i received a comment about it from someone who actually waltzes professionally if i remember correctly who was very pleased with my writing of it! can i waltz? or dance at all? no, no i cannot. but i could probably talk someone else through how to learn!

thank you SO much for the ask!!! ^_^

[kellenhathspoken]

"kellen hath spoken" hath been born

Bonjour!

This is my first ever writing-based blog! I'd like to use this platform to spread lies, deceit, misinformation and pseudoscience across the internet! Hopefully one day I will have created a cult-like movement with followers who worship my words like otherworldly deities while disseminating all the nonsense I spew from my keyboard onto the screen on which you are currently reading this… Just kidding! Unless…..?

I am currently dog-sitting for family friends in an extremely remote part of Michigan. It’s the kind of “remote” where, if I screamed loudly outside, no one would hear me except for the animals that dwell in the surrounding forest! I could scream obscenities, slurs, insults or words in other languages for anatomical parts, and the only beings that would hear these horrible words would be the worms in the ground, the birds in the sky, and the hounds I’m watching! Let’s cross our fingers and hope they don’t tell their owners that the person watching them is a lunatic! But the dogs' owners, like most people I know through my parents, most likely already know I’m a lunatic! And let me tell you, readers: it pays to be a lunatic!!

I had a dear friend visit me on the farm (and I call it a “farm” because there are two barns on the property, though no farming takes place here… I think…) who recommended that I start blogging. I must admit, I am a bit narcissistic in the way that I get a thrill out of people reading what I have to say. Well, calling that “narcissistic” is such a dramatic stretch and over-exaggeration, but I do love the drama of it all… I have recently come to love creating text posts on my “close friends” story on Instagram and sharing my thoughts there, though I think it’s time to move on from esoteric rants and grow into something mainstream… Which is why I’ve decided to create a blog on Tumblr in 2024! So incredibly mainstream, is it not?

I have to owe it to my above-mentioned dear friend Sarah for suggesting I start blogging. In the past, whenever I had Tumblrs, it was a site I went on to re-blog photos, videos and music I thought were cool. Getting a Tumblr at the age of 13 was like opening Pandora’s box: Arthouse movies, unheard-of genres of music (like vaporwave!! I still miss it), stills of scandalous TV shows such as “Skins," artists I’d never heard of but came to adore, reading strangers’ graphically detailed diary entries, hardcore pornography, photos of women wearing high-heels in the mud, radioactive green goo dripping onto Nike tennis shoes, Paz de la Huerta, anime, hentai, pro-ana manifestos, a lady named “Molly Soda,” a link to a website that teaches you how to kill yourself with a helium tank, John Galliano, neo-Nazis, gore, gore, and more gore; these horrifically grotesque yet fascinating items and ideas all jumped out from the screen and implanted themselves into my brain, never to be forgotten! One click led to an intrusive thought, the other a pang of guilt for seeing, another a new type of arousal never felt before. I don’t need to go on and on about Tumblr, and I’d rather not anyway for fear of sounding corny, but you get the picture(s)!

I’m excited to begin this new trek into the collective unconscious to retrieve new ways of self-expression and discovery! Maybe I won’t come out of it unscathed, but I am looking forward to seeing how kellen hath spoken evolves (or devolves!) on this platform we Gen Z degenerates and outcasts are all too familiar with. One more thing about Tumblr and then I’m cutting myself off from mentioning it again: We as members of the same internet-exposed generation ought to require our potential suitors to disclose their old Tumblrs. I believe this could prevent you from dating a serial killer, racist, sexist, or, worse: a Dr. Who fan!! Ew!!!!! Typing those words made my stomach growl, and not in a cute way.

I suppose I’d like to dedicate this inaugural blog post to gluttony, considering it was only yesterday that Americans across the US of A gathered to eat till the cows came home! And maybe the cows never came home, and the eating never ended. Maybe you’re still eating turkey (my least favorite meat! I HATE how dry it can be, and the flavor isn’t satiating in the least!) and mashed potatoes (like eating cotton balls, I’d guess) and stuffing (weird) and the wretched grotesquerie known as green bean casserole!!! Disgusting!! I have spent just about every Thanksgiving with my family, except for Thanksgiving of 2017 when I went to London by myself to stay with an internet friend whom I’d met on (you guessed it!) Tumblr. I think from this moment forward I’d like to spend Thanksgiving with friends who possess exquisite taste in cuisine. Sorry, family, but there’s only so much overcooked, under-moisturized turkey and meandering small talk I can stomach! Next year, I plan to assemble an elite team of friends, acquaintances, lovers, and gluttons who all have a complementary, if not identical, palate. I’m salivating while thinking about a Thanksgiving feast replete with foods and drinks that tickle our umami and savory taste buds in our group’s mouths!  Vegemite on every slice of sourdough bread, seaweed as a garnish on EVERYTHING, raw garlic and onions as hors d’oeuvres, nutritional yeast mixed in bubbly water as an apéritif, duck marinated in a salty, garlicky sauce only referred to as “duck bath,” a jar of pickles for every guest, ponzu as the liquid with which we wash our hands before “digging in,” canned sardines that we all tie into knots in our mouths like cherry stems, a soup made of leftovers from last year’s Thanksgiving that we must all slurp as dramatically yet sexily as possible, trip hop and downtempo and drum-and-bass classics playing from a Bose stereo from the ‘80s that someone somehow hooked a Bluetooth connector into, an autistic mime in the background mocking and mimicking each of us in a slightly insulting yet endearing way, a live chicken sauntering beneath the table and occasionally pecking our feet. Reader, would you like to join us next year? If so, let me know. If not, also let me know and include an explanation as well as a list of three nice things to say about me.

Gluttony as a sin baffles me. I can understand the sinfulness of lust, wrath, and even sloth, but gluttony? You mean “god” will “damn” me to “hell” for eating too much? You know what, I propose we get a hold of the Pope and demand that gluttony be replaced with withholding! The act of restricting something necessary from someone or yourself; now that’s a sin worth damning someone to hell for! Before you assemble a torch-and-pitchfork-wielding militia to conduct a citizen’s arrest on me, hear me out. Depriving another human of something they absolutely need and/or desperately want is much crueler and more unusual than over-consumption! Gluttons can share too! However, gluttony in and of itself… Doesn’t make sense as a sin, does it, Christians? Choosing not to share when being fully able to do so? Evil! I applaud Christians for being such good rule-followers. That sort of deluded loyalty is an admirable trait indeed. If you’re a Christian and reading this, have you considered being an evil henchman/sidekick instead? Think of all the riches and treasures you and your evil genius leader would scour. Put those blind-worshiping skills to good use!

If you have made it here after reading the nonsense I’ve written so far, I am not sure whether to thank you or fear you. Either way, I appreciate your patience and perhaps enthusiasm for what I’ve got to say. kellen hath spoken will ideally be a blog that I share my thoughts, concerns, suggestions, obsessions, observations, favorite things, least favorite things, fears, desires, and interviews with friends! Thank you for reading!!!!! TTYL!

[how-my-day-went]

November 22nd, 2024

Anxiety is one hell of a thing. No matter how well your day might be going, it's still there, in the back of your mind - gnawing, screeching, yearning to shake you up and destabilize you. And the most insane part of it all - you are doing this to yourself. You, yourself, the brain that is piloting a mecha of flesh and bone - you are doing this.

That is what I can't wrap my head around. What exactly is it that makes people this way? And what's the best way to fight it? I'd tell you if I knew, but I'm trying to find the answer myself.

All that aside, nothing of note happened today. Average workday, I was the only one from the team in the office - that was pretty awesome, I got the whole corner of the open workspace to myself, minimal interaction as I sat behind the cushioned dividers concealing me from the rest of the drones.

I did what I do best, which is... well, I worked really hard for a while but I also slacked off quite a bit. Maybe even more than usual. It was nice!

We've got a "colleague of the year" vote going on right now, I wonder who'll win that. Though one of the newer guys I trained up did say he voted for me. Humble as I am, I just asked him "why, I haven't really done anything"? But his pick makes sense - you tend to cling the first people you meet, especially if they're teaching you how to do the job.

On my way home, I met a neighbor carrying a washing machine out to a large industrial dumpster - someone in the apartment complex is doing renovations. Don't know what compelled me, but I offered to help - managed to toss that heavy ass thing into the container with no issues. I can't imagine how long he would've struggled on his own - it's a miracle he got it outside in the first place, because when we took the elevator he went to the 9th floor, and the elevator is clearly not large enough to fit a washing machine. Poor dude. Should've gotten another person, to be honest.

Then I went out for groceries, settled for a few pizza slices for dinner again - I really do not want to cook, not on a Friday. Some energy drinks. It's gonna be a long night - I've got a TTRPG session at 2 AM my time. It's 2:16 at the time of writing this and we're setting up but I can feel the drowsiness set in. I'll just chug those energy drinks all night and sleep it off tomorrow.

And tomorrow is my father's birthday. I should give him a call. Maybe go visit. My little sister just got a dog and I wanna come see it anyway, so what better time than now?

I hope this weekend treats me better than the last, but outlook is good for now. Maybe I'm finally getting out of that month+ long depressive episode I've been in.

[theatrekidstatus]

Dominique x Anthony

☔︎Cast☔︎

Dom

Anthony

Stacy

Dom's pov: It was my first day of college and I sat in class "Hey can I sit here" a freckled boy asked "Sure" "hi I'm Anthony Ramos" "Dom" "Watcha writing" "Um nothing" "sum" "I'm writing a play um never mind" "can I read please" "no it's stupid" "not if it's written by you" I did a stupid girly giggle it was so embarrassing "can I see your play now" "sure, it's not finished and -um" "hey it's great I'd act in it" "thanks" "can I have your number" "sure" we exchange phones "what's your last name" "fishback" "different.... BUT IN A GOOD WAY" "thanks" "OK class I'm Ms.smith ill be teaching Shakespeare and plays,first assignment write a play or poem with a Partner "can I be your partner" he whispers "sure" he smiled at me I tried hiding my smile -1hr later-(I don't know how long college classes are) "hey what's your next class" "uh uh boy it's down time for me" "Same what's your hallway" "A" "what room" "A3" "cool I got A4" "yay we're neighbors" "we'll see ya" "hey Dom" "hey Stacy" "how was you theatre class or whatever" "good" "you're smiling mad hard" "it's nothing" "tell meeeeee" "fine we'll there was this cute boy in my class and he's awesome" "awww you're crushingggg" "shut up he's next door" "ooooooo,I wanna meet him" Stacy ran out the door "Stacy come here" she knocks aggressively and ant came out in a towel on his waist wet hair and bulging abs "hey Kevin what's up-AHHHHHHHH" "AHHHHH" "we're so sorry" he slammed the door "WHAT DID I TELL YOU" I whisper scream "I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyy I just wanted to meet him" a knock at the door "come in" "hey I'm really sorry for slamming the door" "we're sorry for just coming up to your door" "not to be rude but what did you need?" "I wanted to meet doms lil friend" "Well hi, oh Dom wanna work on our play" "Sure" "I'll leave y'all alone" "🖕🏾" "😘" "So you wanna make any tweaks" "I think it's too cute we need some humor" "I got you" 30 minutes later "wow we're finished " "good now I can nap" "you only have-" "20 minutes i know and don't care" I think he left while he was gone I had a dream we took a nice long walk and just talked and made it to a beach in L. A and he sat me down and said "Dom I love you" and leaned in for a kiss and right when we were going to kiss I felt myself being shaken "Dom Dom Dom Dom" "What" "You have your next class now" "ugh" "what's your class" "tap" (idk if she dances just go wit it) "same" "you can tap?" "Nope" we laughed "Do you wanna brush your hair" "How bad" "15 strokes?" "Gimme" -in class- "I placed in level 3, you?" "Same" "I just can't escape you can I" "Nope" "AYE you two this is not high school stop your yapping and Get to tapping" We shared a look rolled our eyes and got to tapping 5 classes later (Google was so unclear) "I'm so glad my day is OVER" he grabbed me by the arm and started running fast and went to my dorm

"What the hell" "I'm sorry but the night class kids were coming and they have a REAL problem with being late" "How big" "15 inches" "Ew" "But they will beat up anyone in the hall after they're late" "ain't we a lil old for bullying" "you wanna get trampled or beat to a pulp" "nah nah" "exactly, so can I crash here for a few" "sure lover boy" "wow lil fish" "lil fish?" "Yep" "I should kick your ass out right now" "Well why am I lover boy" "I see how you look at Nataliaaa" Yeah sure it hurt that ant had a crush on another girl, but what can ya do? "shut up" "hahaha lover boy" "🙄" "are you gonna ask her out or just look at her like a dork" "shut up" "ok ok I'm done but are youuuu" "maybe I don't know" "you should" "do you like someone" "what no?!" "Oh my god you do spilllll" "no" "pleaseeee" "no" "whyyyyyy" "you'd laugh" "is it that ONE dude who in Shakespeare class" "ew no" "then I won't judgeeeeeeeeeeee" "nooooo,anyway we should practice our play" we here a knock "umm is Dominique fishbacks Room" "yeah" "can I come in" "ant go get the door" "ok" ant opens the door "oh hi ant" natlia greeted "h-i nat oh I'm sorry can I call you nat" "yeah is Dom here" "ye-ah ba-ck he-re" "hi nat what's up" "oh you dropped this in class and I wanted to give it to you" "oh my god I've been looking for that everywhere thank you" "no problem bye Dom bye ant" "bye" ant says weakly "see ya" i replied "ant I know we've been friends for a day and I can't be too rude but what the hell" "I know" "hey I'm sure someone has worse skills" "doesn't feel like it" "DOM" "STACY" "DO NOT GO OUT THERE WITH THOSE NIGHT COLLEGE KIDS THEY DO NOT PLAY" "ARE YOU OK" "yeah barley THEY'RE LIKE ZOMBIES" "lay down" "ok what's up ant" "hey" "are we ever going get to practice" "I don't know" we just laughed "I guess I should head out" ant left "CANT YALL JUST DATE" Stacy screamed "shut up he doesn't even like me" "yes he dose" "he likes- never mind" "OUHH TELL ME" "no I don't gossip" "it's me" "yeah anthor reason I can't trust you" "🖕" "😘"

Next DaY

"Hey lover boy" "Hi lil fish" "Is your girl here yet" "Shut up" he was so red "Haha" "is your man here yet" "Maybe" "Just tell me" "Can you keep a secret" "yeah" "good so can I" "🙄" "DUDE SHES HERE SHES RIGHT THERE" "oh my god shut up" "HI NAT" "hi Dom ant can I sit wit y'all" "sure" "so how's the play going" "amazing we worked so hard on it and we're proud RIGHT ANT" "mhm" "ok class we're gonna present because everyone seems comfortable and ready "Anthony gimme your book" "why" "just gimme" I highlighted his lines "thank you?" "No problem" "AND ANTHONY Dominique CAN GO FIRST" "Can we borrow someone from the class" "ILL DO IT" some kid yelled "OK Well get up here" We acted The thing out he wasn't that bad of an actor we finished up "wow you can act what else can you do" "a lot" "like what" "sing and play baseball" "sing?" "Yeah" "Can I hear" "No we're in class!" "After?" "Sure" AFTER CLASS

"LOVER BOY" "LIL FISH" "sing" "right here right now?" "YESSSSSS" "NOOOOOOOO" "Please" "Fine what song" "The beginning song to In the Heights" "UGHH lights up on Washington hights" "WOAH YOU CAN SING, "Stacy says while cutting In the middle of us "Yeah kinda," he says while stroking his hair" "don't be shy now lover boy" "lover boy?" "It's an inside joke" "Well I got class See ya two" "BYE" "Now back to your song" -aFtEr SoNg- (a/n AND NO I WILL NOT BE WRITING THE WHOLE THING)

"Wow" "Thanks?" "Oh no the night kids are coming RUN!" We crashed In my dorm "Why is your side of the room so underdecorted" "I dont care about how it looks only if I get work done" "Be for real" "Fine I'm broke" he Chuckled a little "um hey dom I have a question for you" "yeah" "should I ask nat out" wow that kinda hurt but I want him to be happy "of course" "what if she says no" "she probably not your a great guy but if she does you'll find some one else" I say while sitting next to him and placing my hand on his "thanks dom" "should I text her or ask in class" "in class" "cool can I practice on you sure" "so I've liked you for a while and I was wondering if you want to go out some time" "perfect now are you actually going to say that" "shut up" he said while we both laughed "I hope so" "oh it's time to clock out see you tomorrow" "y'all are so cute" "shush stace"

-next day-

I went to class I was always first but today I was second "Lover boy" "lil fish" "What are you doing here" "Sweating" "nerves?" "Yeah" "Don't worry it's okay remember no is just a word that can't hurt you but she shouldn't have to tell you repeatedly" "Hey guys I didn't expect you to be here so early" "hey nat can I ask you a question" "Sure" "So I've liked you for a while and I was wondering if you want to go out sometime" she just burst out a laugh "you'd think I go out WITH YOU" she just started laughing hard and ant just slumped down red-faced tears forming "you good" "no" "wanna say you're sick and skip" "mhm" "hey professor ants a little sick can I take him to a nurse or his dorm" "you can just borrow the notes from someone else" "thank you"

-in the dorm-

"Anthony you know if you wanna cry it's ok too" "How could I be so stupid to think she loves ME" "It's not stupid it is stupider that she doesn't" "Is there something wrong with m-" I cut him off with a kiss he looks at me "I'm sorry" and ran off I ran out the whole building I get a called from Stacy "where the fuck are you" I explain everything "stay right there I am going to get you" "hey" "ant."

[squeakintothevoid]

I decided to stop lurking and actually post my thoughts somewhere because of my man Larry here, who shared his reaction to "The Sound of Silence" covered by Disturbed. I've listened to the original by Simon & Garfunkel before but didn't pay much attention to the words. I mean, it's just that memed depression song, right?

What folly! I have failed ye, Simon & Garfunkel! But Disturbed's video made me pay attention to the obvious message:

“This is a song about the inability of people to communicate with each other"

—Art Garfunkel

Okay, I get the point. Now, if I may, I will disturb the sound of silence (ha) to share my own thoughts while I was listening to the song:

[Verse 1] Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains within the sound of silence

Let me give you some context about my life. I have social anxiety. Or did, I might not meet the criteria anymore. But woah boy, did I have social anxiety. I mean, sometimes I'd try to speak and simply could not make a sound. That's how paralyzing my fear of speaking was. I know now that this fear came from being ignored as a kid plus a heaping of religious trauma. Growing up, I'd hear some teachers or friends say it's okay, just say what you want, be yourself. Sure, whatever. I didn't really believe them due to not being noticed very much the rest of the time. I thought: I don't even have anything to say and if I did, why would I risk telling anyone? But that positive messaging still seeped in my brain somehow where it remained dormant.

[Verse 2] In restless dreams, I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone 'Neath the halo of a street lamp I turned my collar to the cold and damp When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night, and touched the sound of silence

Of course, I still had thoughts and emotions to say even though I kept them inside. At age 10, I thought I was like a wise ninja, only speaking when necessary, but really I was emotionally stunted and always afraid. I slowly learned how to socialize though, but real progress was made when I started gaining confidence and trust in myself. Mainly because of movies and music. And the few solid people I could trust in my life.

More context about me: I was raised Mormon (Latter-day saint). So like, in a cult. Or a "high-demand religion" if "cult" is too much of a buzzword for ya. Anyway, I ended up attending BYU, a Mormon college that will kick you out for not conforming to their strict "honor" code. I was understandably depressed while I was there. Except I didn't understand why at the time.

Then my eyes were stabbed by the neon light of Freddie Mercury.

For real though, Queen, among other artists, helped me see that I felt stuck, and that the next step on my hero's journey was to break free from Mormonism and my parent's expectations (and somehow not get expelled and homeless at the same time). To have confidence in myself and keep myself alive.

[Verse 3] And in the naked light I saw Ten thousand people, maybe more People talking without speaking People hearing without listening People writing songs that voices never shared And no one dared disturb the sound of silence

So now I was aware of how sinister and blatantly false Mormonism was. In a university full of devout followers that will tattle on you. Followers only talking about what they're allowed to talk about, and anyone who stands out is shut down. Everything seemed so platitudinous and hateful now. Man, I wasn't ever thinking for myself before, was I? I knew there were other people at BYU in my situation, because they said so on reddit, but I didn't dare make my thoughts known to anyone in person.

[Verse 4] "Fools," said I, "You do not know Silence like a cancer grows Hear my words that I might teach you Take my arms that I might reach you" But my words, like silent raindrops, fell And echoed in the wells of silence

Simon speaks like a prophet. In Mormonism, you have a prophet that claims to be speaking the words of God. So like, you gotta listen to him or go to hell. Actually, Mormons don't really have the same idea of hell as mainstream Christianity, but you definitely won't get into the special VIP top level of heaven if you don't shut up and obey the prophet with exactness. Prophets give you commandments. Prophets tell you to give all your time, talents, and money to the LDS church. (Although they only enforce giving 10% of your income.)

But Simon isn't really speaking to tell you what to do and not do. He, like most artists, is trying to reach out to you. To emotionally express himself and encourage others to do the same. It's a refreshing idea of what a prophet could be. He's calling us fools not because we are sinners, but because he wants to share what he has learned. His writing isn't to make a cash grab (I think lol), but catchy music that can be echoed in the background tends to get the best sales.

[Verse 5] And the people bowed and prayed To the neon god they made And the sign flashed out its warning In the words that it was forming And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls and tenement halls And whispered in the sound of silence"

Most people see the "neon god" line as a critique of consumerism, and I wouldn't disagree. It's sad that television and music in many ways raised me better than my parents, that the religious texts that promised me spiritual awakening didn't have shit on Freddie's whimsical ballads. But these "neon signs" are what saved me, no matter how cringe that sounds. I wouldn't be as daring to make real world connections if it weren't for media and the internet.

Following fandoms, lurking on tumblr, sending superwholock memes to my friends, watching stupid youtube crack videos, staying up late just vibing to the music I had. These are my prophets. It's sharing all these little pop culture things that culminated in me finally realizing that I'm alright as I am, even with my cringe hyperfixations. That maybe I can slowly learn how to speak my truth and say with a newfound sense of confidence that I do want extra ketchup. Or that I'm rejecting my parent's one true religion.

It's all good now, I never got expelled nor disowned as I feared, but I'm still healing from things. I can't say I'm a beacon of self-confidence either (right now, I'm worried this whole post is too long and pretentious). So if you took the time to read this, thanks! I know tumblr can be a hellscape of a site but I appreciate y'all. It's our little ramblings that get us through the day when we feel like nobody understands us. Here's to the whispers in the tenement halls!

Yes, I did shoehorn a spn gif in my first tumblr post, what are ya gonna do about it?

[letteredlettered]

What’s Love Lock about??

This, like too many of my H/D stories, is an amalgamation of several stories I wanted to tell. I couldn't really figure out how they fit together, which is why I stalled on it.

One aspect isn't really a narrative story; the premise is that Harry is the nicest guy you will ever meet. I am tired--so tired--of people saying that Harry is thick, and stupid, and clueless, and cruel, for not loving Draco back. So tired. By the Grace was an attempt to write a story that shows why Harry might not immediately fall in love with Draco, in case you forgot that Draco bullied Harry and Harry's friends, not to mention tried to kill them; in case you forgot that Draco was classist and bigoted and awful. Anyway, that story still had people saying that Harry was a dick, so the petty part of me wanted to see what happened if Harry was even kinder and more supportive but still happened to not love Draco.

In the story Harry's in love with Ginny, who broke up with him a long time ago. Harry has accepted that she doesn't love him the way he loves her, but he believes he will never move on from her. She was The One for him, and he hasn't ever had feelings or even been attracted to anyone else since, so he just assumes that he's not really made to love more than one person in his life.

The next element of the story is teaching at Hogwarts. I often make Harry an Auror, because I really think that even though he would not be happy being an Auror, he thinks that's what he wants to do, and Harry is stubborn, and also not super emotionally intelligent. Like I think it would take a long time for him to realize that he doesn't love it. Meanwhile I really struggle to make Draco an Auror, because I just think that he would be so bad at it, and that he wouldn't want to, except to get into Harry's pants. I can believe that Draco would try to be an Auror in order to redeem himself, but that requires a lot of backstory, when all I really want is coworkers-to-lovers stories over and over (I think that's probably my favorite kind of love story).

So anyway, it's hard to think of scenarios over and over where Harry is an Auror and Draco is not, but they still cross paths all the time, and I had never written a professors-at-Hogwarts story, so I thought I'd give it a try. And with Harry being Mr. Nice, I realized that you could tell some really interesting stories that show how Harry has grown, become aware of his own abuse, and is able to really connect with some children as a result of that. He's really good with children who are outcasts and have anger issues, and Draco goes melty every time he sees Harry Potter talking gently to some grumpy third year.

After writing Away Childish Things I got very into the idea that Draco has always had a mortifying crush on Harry, and I'm not clear why that's not a staple in H/D fics. For some inexplicable reason, it's way more often Harry who has always been in love, an idea which I find somewhat repellent. I find myself really frustrated at what fandom has done with the "Harry was rapidly becoming obsessed with Draco Malfoy" line; Harry was obsessed because he thought Draco was a Death Eater and would maybe kill someone, which by the way, Draco tried to do--several times!!! Like yeah, definitely, read gay into things all you want, but next to Draco's behavior, Harry has no more interest in Draco than a rock in his shoe. Draco, meanwhile, seems to only think of Harry in years 1-5, seems to shape his whole existence around getting a rise out of Harry Potter. This is someone who is obsessed, who rapidly became obsessed years ago that day on the train.

Anyway, I wanted to write a story that explored that kind of obsession, which is not necessarily love but is perhaps a little more than lust. I wanted to show how Draco hated it in himself and was ashamed of it, and kept trying to destroy it, and yet there Potter was, always being strong and brave and hot, and Draco could just never stop himself.

Anyway, I wanted to show that this obsession had a lot to do with Harry's image and how Harry comes across, and that once Draco comes to know Harry when they both teach at Hogwarts, Draco understands that Harry is not only strong and hot and brave, but also sincerely kind and just and good. That's when the real trouble begins, because Draco falls so hard in love that he knows he'll never recover, but here Potter is still holding a torch for Ginny. Still, Harry and Draco become quite good friends; they confide in each other; they do things for the students together; they all around enjoy each other. Harry knows that Draco is gay, and Draco knows all about Harry's feelings for Ginny.

The problem is that this story--Draco falling for Harry while teaching at Hogwarts and the two of them becoming friends--has a lot of little plots involving Draco and Harry helping and caring for the students, getting involved in their little woes and victories. So while the only big, overarching plot is Draco falling in love, there are many many little narratives within.

The reason this is a problem is that was all supposed to be backstory.

The present day story is a love potion accident + bonding; it not only makes Harry fall in love with Draco but makes it so that Harry has to be in Draco's proximity or else he falls dangerously ill. Harry also feels much better when being touched by Draco. Hopefully you can imagine Draco's torture, being so in love with Harry but knowing that it's not real; not only is it not real but Harry loves someone else; not only does Harry love someone else, but Harry is his friend, and taking advantage of him in this state would ruin that friendship. Harry, meanwhile, has trouble understanding that loving Draco is a spell at all; he confesses that he really admires Draco and likes him and that he believes he's fallen in love. Draco refuses to believe this and furthermore states he has zero interest in Harry so there is no possibility of physical romance.

The cure takes a really long time to invent.

Then when Harry does get the cure, it becomes obvious that loving Draco really was just part of the potion. However, some weeks later, Harry confesses that he's never really thought about his sexuality and that the potions accident made him realize that perhaps there were aspects of himself he hasn't explored; he confesses that since the cure, he's been thinking about Draco in a new way. He knows that Draco isn't into him in that way, given how Draco acted when Harry was under the influence, but Harry tells Draco how he feels and asks if he could become interested; he asks if they could try something like dating and see how it goes.

Draco says no. He's convinced that the potion, though it is cured, addled Harry's brain and made him think he's things he's not; Draco's so terrified of taking advantage of Harry that he refuses to even consider it.

Time goes on. Harry decides to try dating other people. He dates a man. Draco has a nervous breakdown. Then Draco and Harry get together; the end.

[atoriv-art]

little asks compilation as to not spam ♥

thank you!! ♥

crying this is vaguely related but did you guys know neji appears in a time travel episode(/arc?) in the boruto anime. does it surprise you to hear that it makes me extremely mad

but also so true LMFAO i'm usually the type to give things a chance (or so i'd like to believe) but not much of boruto interests me 😔 some of the kids look cute and i like.... like..... a few of the timeskip designs (...like three of them? i like suigetsu karin and tenten's.) but it's not worth it and in fact i think having to see neji and hiashi alive in the same UwU Family space would have had me banging my head against a wall.

also what if they made him ugly. that's my perfect angel boy they can't do that.

HEHE ofc!!! part of the reason i love posting fanart is that i get to spread propaganda for the things i like LMFAO

and i'm glad people enjoy the funny sharky ears they're my favorite <3

ASDMKASD eu acho que esse é o maior contato com outros brasileiros que já tive quando posto arte e afins, é bem interessante

eu consigo imaginar o tipo de coisa da qual vc reclama, eu acho bem chato tbm GFKMGFM

fave i respect the movement though i'm more of a short king gaara truther myself bc i think it's cute. sasuke still the tallest of the boys tho

thank you!! and hehee this ended up being more me ranting about their general writing but :)

i'm veeeery fond of their og naruto dynamic, i think it often goes misunderstood/understated but to me it's one of the highlights to the original series! from stuff like kakashi shielding him from orochimaru and sealing his curse mark (which. btw. crazy. LOVE that scene) to the ENTIRE deal with chidori and the pride kakashi felt watching sasuke fight gaara with it... i think it's SURPRISINGLY well done! while i due to personal preference like to read it as specifically familial, i think you can read it anyway you want (not all mentor-type dynamics need to be familial in nature and not being so won't make it any less meaningful)

i don't think kakashi was a particularly great teacher (in fact i think tenzo is shown to be a MUCH better captain/mentor the moment he's introduced to team 7 lol) but you can certainly tell that he cares about all of the kids and wants to do right by them, it's just that with sasuke specifically to me it feels like it's of highly personal significance to him?

and it's not hard to see why, obviously kakashi and sasuke do not have the same trauma but i find it reductive to say that it means kakashi can't see himself in him at all, or that he can't be of any use to sasuke? one of my favorite scenes is the (... i think mildly controversial, from what i've seen?) one where he talks to sasuke on that tree and tells him to drop his revenge quest, because while yeah it was not a perfect effort, to me it's clear that 1. kakashi was being very genuine in his words and 2. that it like... almost worked? sasuke was very sincerely pondering his words before the sound 4 came along.

btw so funny that both kakashi and obito tie him up when talking to him. anyway

so you add that with the weird relationship kakashi has with the entire uchiha clan, starting with obito (the very reason kakashi is able to teach sasuke in any meaningful way at all), going through itachi if you treat team ro as canon WHICH I DO, I LOVE TEAM RO, and ending with sasuke, who is someone kakashi can still try to give a normal life to? yeah i can see why he might feel personally responsible for him!

sasuke's side is less in your face but like... sasuke sought kakashi out to help train him and very much echoes kakashi's words about not abandoning your comrades. he is also often the first one to understand where kakashi is going with something, him and kakashi have similar ways of going through life even if kakashi has majorly mellowed out with age.

there's also little things like how sasuke just had no qualms about walking into kakashi's house unannounced (after itachi beat his ass ty itachi looove u itachi), even before that, how when kakashi calls sasuke over while itachi+kisame are having tea, sasuke just kind of announces that he HATES sweets (so cute), as if he made the assumption kakashi either bought it for him or was thinking about it? like.

look at his baby face.

despite whatever route it ended up taking To Me it's very clear that they did have a special bond and that it was a VERY important part of sasuke's everything pre-shippuden, he was clearly comfortable around kakashi despite his standoffish attitude. it was not perfect and kakashi does hold blame for a lot of things (in general he has a very hands-off teaching style that doesn't work great with these kids), but that's like. part of why i like it you know! it's a little complicated but not through any ill will. it's just that they are both full of Issues lmao

it makes me ssoooooo saaaaad that they BARELY speak to each other at all in shippuden because like. that was one of THE dynamics in the original team 7 you know? and idk if it comes as a surprise but i'm not even OPPOSED to sasuke wanting to kill kakashi by the time they meet again? in fact i think it could be kind of awesome. because like he could have a lot of reasons to be angry with him, up to and including the mere fact that kakashi took SO LONG to even meet him again?

(remember when team 7 finally meets sasuke again w/ tenzo and sai, and he himself mentions kakashi? it's one of those things you can choose to dismiss as meaningless dialogue but i often do think about it lol)

but instead we have sasuke in the peak of his borderline-demonization by the writing, which just leads to there not being much of an interesting dialogue at all. i'm not opposed to kakashi's sharingan being something that sasuke comes to resent either — it could be very fun character writing as that is the very thing that encouraged them to bond in the first place —, but i don't like the way it was done and i ESPECIALLY hate how it was immediately dropped like BROTHER MY PLOT THREADS... THEY'RE FALLING APART...

i could go on about a thousand different other things, such as.

sorry to mention jiraiya but. the rasengan vs chidori thing is VERY telling; jiraiya is naruto's mentor, and kakashi is sasuke's, this is reflected best when the kids each use their respective Overkill Jutsu at each other and the adults each take responsibility for their own kid

again, i'm unsure if it's fully intentional but there is this opposition of orochimaru vs kakashi other than the obvious confrontational scene they have. the very fact that kakashi is the one to put a limit to orochimaru's literal influence on sasuke through the curse mark is a very interesting narrative choice! kakashi is also extremely afraid of orochimaru and highly protective of sasuke; again it reads as a Personal fear/protectiveness rather than purely Professional to me. it builds this idea of kakashi being one of sasuke's choices, and orochimaru being the other (and we know which one he chooses unfortunately lol)

chidori in general is like. crazy btw. it becomes sasuke's signature move. and it's kakashi's creation. hi

this is also something that was dropped but there was also the occasional pointing out of similarities between, fucking, lee and gai of all people vs kakashi and sasuke? and like i don't need to explain this one that much right. gai is lee's dad in like everything but name LOL (and much like kakashi he also has questionable habits when it comes to how he teaches his kid)

but this is way too long LMFAO my tldr is that I Like Them And I Wish They Had More Screentime </3

their dynamic concretely to me is about caring very much about someone who shares a lot of pain with you, but being a little intimidated by that shared aspect. nothing hurts more than failing / being failed By someone who you know DOES understand you, in the end!

it's all my personal preference of course there's no right or wrong way to read naruto (well the wrong way is thinking it's good.) (joke) but i WAS surprised to not see sasuke and kakashi's relationship being discussed more (esp. with empathy for both characters) because well. obviously it's one of my favorite naruto things GFKDMGKFDM

[quohotos]

So I don't have any art prepared for 810nicle day, so instead let me regale you of a story of a time where I didn't make some bionicle art. It was a bit of a shitshow.

So it was around 2017 I think, I was in high school. Back then I was on facebook and in this Bionicle fan forum/shitpost group called "Bionicle Maskposting". Honestly it was a great community with so many injokes, having to leave it behind was one of the reasons I stayed on facebook for so long after it stopped being a good platform. Usually people would share memes, mocs, and lore thoughts, but on a rare occasion people would try to find folks to help them with new group projects.

One of these fateful cases was a person who was trying to put together a crew to make a bionicle fan comic. I'd been teaching myself vector, having been inspired by the Bionicle flash games, so I tentatively offered my service to the project. I was still learning and not super confident in my abilities. I told them I probably couldn't do it on my own, but maybe could do backgrounds and trace overs in a vector style.

I got added to their discord server, it was like the third server I ever joined on discord. The mastermind behind all of this was very excited to have someone on board, and was quick to catch me up on what he'd been working on. He showed me his block out of the comic so far, there was no actual art, just all black panels and the dialogue to go with them. And it was... oh god it was bad.

The premise of the comic: It's set in an alternate universe where Tahu is the soul survivor of the Toa Mata. The rest of the Toa are brutally killed by Makuta and now he's haunted by horrific visions, survivor's guilt, and PTSD. He also has a son. Love is cannon in this universe and he has to raise the child he sired with Gali before she was ripped to shreds by a crab.

It was uhhh... not exactly the kind of story I wanted to sign on to, not to mention it was just poorly written, probably a teenager like me at the time. Everyone writes stuff like that, nothing wrong about it in the long term... but then it got worse.

This new guy joined the server, one I didn't recognize. He had like a wolf avatar for his discord profile. He immediately takes one look at what's been planned so far and says, "I love it," but then he has to ask one crucial question before he can continue.

"Is there Jesus in it?"

No he didn't say it like that, I'm paraphrasing, but he asked if there were going to be any themes of Christianity or Tahu's faith in the story.

what the fuck?

Why?

Why would that be in the Bionicle story? What a socially unaware thing to ask? Is he trolling this guy?

Well the ringleader guy who started the project responds mere seconds later

"Yeah, totally, Tahu's faith in Jesus Christ and his struggle with doubt is going to be a big part of the story."

Again, paraphrasing, but it was an enthusiastic response from the guy. They then went on to very rapidly start exchanging ideas about how they can add more christian themes to this already very cursed Bionicle fanfiction. Around that time I politely announced that I didn't feel like I could contribute to the project and excused myself from the server. I'm glad I wasn't ruder, they were doing their own thing there was no reason to be mean about it even if it was buck fucking wild.

I'm assuming it never came out, and part of me regrets leaving so early because right now I'm morbidly curious about how it turned out even if it's probably the last thing I'd ever want to read or draw.

Anyways that's my story, and part of the reason why even though I was one of the biggest Bionicle nerds you can imagine while growing up I generally stay away from fan forum discussions of it as an adult.

Happy Bionicle day