#so what's fucking left. i don't know what i'm saying i don't know this whole situation just feels so bad
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so like. what if i just went full out balls to the wall and said i DO think bison spotted the guy taking pictures and i DO think he suspected kant immediately and that when he ran back into the kitchen to call fadel it was less 'i don't know how to cook a burger' (although he obviously doesn't know how to cook a burger) and more 'i think we have a problem here and i don't know what to do about it without being told what to do'. and left alone he handled it using the first (and right now only) tool we know he has at his disposal: being a honeytrap. what if i said i think he didn't tell fadel in a juvenile but ultimately desperate bid for power over his own life and choices and autonomy, which is a freedom that he obviously needs but that no one will allow him to have.
what if i think there's a very real chance he was standing right outside kant's parlour when he was on the phone to chris and overheard everything. what if i said i think he's caught on to every subtle probe for information kant has thrown his way (he asks 'where do i go if i want to have sex with you again?' and he's really asking 'where do you live?'. he says 'you and fadel don't look alike, are you sure you're brothers?' and he's really saying 'tell me more about your family') and artfully dodged each one without giving himself away (i don't think i believe bison when he says they have the same mum but different dads, not after we've been told this whole time they're adopted siblings). what if i said i truly don't believe bison is the idiot everyone believes him to be and is trying to use kant to prove himself in some way - both to his family and to himself.
what if i said i can't stop thinking about that scene from the pilot trailer where kant is tattooing the character for 'trust' or something similar (please correct me if i'm misremembering) on bison and bison makes a point to stop him and say something along the lines of 'i never forgive the people who betray me' (again please correct me if i'm misremembering) and how that feels way too pointed to be coincidental. what if i said the more i think about it the more i think bison really is playing a game with kant just to see how far he'll go and how much he can take from him. what if i said right now i think bison thinks it's gonna be all fun and games but before he realises it he's gonna be neck deep in very real and very complicated emotions and worst of all kant is gonna be right there in the water with him and only then will he realise how fucked he is. what then.
#the heart killers#kantbison#thk meta#listen i just can't stop thinking about it im sorry#and im not holding my breath about it bc i know better than that but my god. think of the levels. think of the implications.#think of kant falling in love and driving himself insane with guilt over what he's doing only to find out that bison knew the whole time#think of the heartbreak the betrayal the shock the confusion the anger. im foaming at the mouth quite frankly
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inspired by.... ;)
This is what Wilhelm remembers:
Taking a shot. Screaming the wrong lyrics to a song. Taking another shot. Dancing. Neon lights and laughter. Another shot. Not caring anymore. Checking his phone at 23:42. More shots. Felice yanking his drink away. Finding a different bottle in her cabinet. Stumbling into the bathroom. Trying to get changed. Throwing up in the toilet.
That’s what he tells Felice when he wakes up, mind foggy and his body dizzy, sprawled on her living room couch with no memory of how he got there.
Felice is perched on the arm of a chair, watching him with amused eyes. She’s laughing while scrolling through pictures on her phone, flipping it around to show him. There’s one of him lying like a starfish on the floor, one where his head is thrown back, one of him grinning stupidly at the camera like a toddler, cheeks flushed and hair sticking up- the kind of grin he wears when he's free.
Wilhelm groans, dragging a hand over his face.
“Here,” Felice says, passing him a glass of water. “Drink.”
He obeys, gulping it down as she refills it. Then refills it again.
Once he’s drained three glasses, she sits beside him, tucking her legs underneath her. Her grin has softened into something kinder, but still very smug. “So… do you remember anything else from yesterday?”
He shakes his head, placing the empty glass down.
She hesitates, running a hand through her hair. “Anything about Simon?”
Wilhelm frowns. “Oh. Yeah.” He rubs his temple, trying to sort through the hazy blur of the night before. “He said he and Marcus broke up… again. Fourth time now, I think?” He glances at her. “Simon’s okay, right?”
Felice's expression is unreadable. “He’s good. He left with Rosh and Ayub last night.”
Wilhelm exhales, slumping back against the couch. “Sooo everything’s okay?”
Felice blinks, clearly weighing her words. Then she opens her mouth, pauses, closes her mouth, and just before Wilhelm can pester her, she finally says: “You got very drunk.”
“Clearly,” he mutters, grimacing.
She raises her eyebrows. “And… you...you kept trying to kiss Simon.”
His body goes rigid, voice pitching upwards. “I—what?” The blood drains from his face. “Fuck. What?”
Felice stifles a laugh. “I think he kissed you back a couple of times. Or maybe you were making out? Honestly, it’s all kind of fuzzy. Rosh probably remembers better than I do.”
Wilhelm groans and buries his face in his hands. “Oh my God.”
Felice pats his shoulder, unbothered. “I mean, I don’t think Simon minded. It happens to the best of us, Wille.”
"No. No no no no. I-" His fingers claw through his hair, eyes wide and alert. "This can't have happened, he probably thinks I'm a fucking idiot, I-"
"He doesn't think your an idiot." Felice says firmly, cutting through his spiral.
"You don't know that. He might think that- that I... I-" "He might think what? That he knows your secret?" Wille stiffens. "What secret?" Felice just grins, her eyes sparkling. "You tell me." Then she makes a strange face. "Though it's not much of a secret. You aren't as subtle as you think, not with the whole brooding and pining in silence thing."
"C'mon. I do not pine."
"Right. Sure. And last night was just... what? Practicing CPR?" He flops back onto the couch like a wilted flower. "Oh my god. Stop talking."
"Just so you know, Simon probably remembers most of last night." She stands, brushing imaginary dust off of her hands. "And if he doesn't, Rosh and Ayub are definitely going to tell him. You might want to get ahead of them before they turn it into something worse.
Wilhelm pales. "You're joking."
Felice winks. "Am I?"
#again#im wilmonifying my life#the difference is that wilmon are horrifyingly n beautifully IN love with each other#young royals#yr fanfic#wilmon#yr ficlet#yr drabble#young royals fanfiction
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I made a compilation of Ambessa being a horrible parent on tiktok and someone left several comments defending her from that label and now I'm really upset so please indulge my rant.
First of all, I know Ambessa is a complex character. I know she's gone through a lot of trauma to make her how she is. She didn't deserve what happened to her, but Mel didn't deserve her trauma either.
Ambessa definitely loved her daughter, but she also resented her. Those things can be true at the same time. I think she resents Mel for being merciful, for being an affair baby, for being a mage. All things that are not her fault. Now that I've gotten those statements out of the way, let me walk you through every way Ambessa failed her daughter.
We all know how fucked up it is that she murdered a child in front of Mel, but I've never seen anyone talk about how she turned away first, letting her think she wouldn't go through with it. She was just trying to be cruel.
I've also never heard anyone discuss that when she says "perhaps she could be my daughter", its in response to Mel saying that the new ruler would need to be molded. The narrative literally tells you that Ambessa is a manipulative mother.
When she arrives in Piltover, the first thing she does is gaslight Mel about her banishment. Then when she's called out on it, she tries to smooth it over with a compliment and by throwing her arm around Mel, who of course knows exactly what she's doing.
Then when she's confronted on the fact that she banished her own child, she says it was because Mel weakened her. I will admit her care is more evident here, but even then she used Mel's pain as leverage to get her to vote for war by offering to let her come home.
In season 2 act 3, it's more of the same. But it's also worse.
Ambessa is obviously glad that Mel's alive, but she doesn't even hug her. I understand she has trouble showing affection, but still
And then she hits Mel. I don't care what you say, it's never okay to hit your kid. And honestly, I stand by Mel for what she said to her mom about letting Kino die.
Mel is the only one in the whole show who ever refers to her brother by name, and that seems intentional. Her flashback indicates that she looked up to him, and her time in the occulorum with Leblanc's illusion shows that the two had an emotionally open relationship and showed each other physical affection. Ambessa may have constantly kept Mel guessing how she felt about her, but she always knew Kino loved her. And now he's gone, and he's not coming back.
And then Ambessa says he was all the sweetness in her heart, basically admitting that Mel was none of it! She says she let him die to protect her! Why would she do that when it seems Kino was the favorite? Why would she do that when he, the oldest, would have been the de facto heir? Because Mel is a weapon. That's why she has to be protected. Because she's valuable to Ambessa's ambition.
And yet, she never told Mel she was a mage. She only sent her away. Away from her home, away from Kino's love, away from everything she knew.
Also, Ambessa talks shit about mages even though Mel IS one. That shit made me fume.
Mel begs her not to go through with her plans. She offers to go back to Noxus with her and help avenge Kino, but Ambessa won't listen. She won't even listen when Mel stops the execution and points out that her ambition has cost her Rictus and Kino. Instead, she has her soldiers turn their weapons on her own daughter. I doubt they would have killed her, but it's still a massive betrayal.
And her last words, though they are of pride, are devastating: "You are the wolf."
The very thing Mel fought not to become. The very thing she had to become to defeat her mother.
#ambessa medarda slander#ambessa medarda anti#ambessa arcane#ambessa medarda#mel medarda defender#mel medarda#mel arcane#fyp#arcane#arcane league of legends#for you page#arcane lol#arcane season 2#arcane act 3#arcane season 2 act 3
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i'm pretty confident that 1) there will be a next game and that 2) it is going to include these things:
par vollen and the qunari
details on why they left whatever place they originally came from
maybe also details on how they came to have dragon blood, considering the adaari vs. storm situation is significant
whoever and whatever is across the amaranthine ocean
sea monsters (this one might be partly a wishlist item but it's not without basis)
a more significant time skip than we've had in any other game so far, and/or
a more significant geographic leap than we've had in any other game so far
the whole "the entire continent got wrecked" situation, besides being an inevitable result of a supercharged double blight, also serves as a way to hit the restart button on thedas overall. no matter what happened before now, it's fucked. that's what massive plagues do. but there are plenty of people left who want to fix things and rebuild in any way they can.
you can (dare i say should) read that as the closing scene of any other kind of disaster story. it plants the seeds (of hope or dread) for whatever's coming next. it didn't end long after all the dust had settled and with little bows wrapped around everything neat and tidy. it ended when the dust stopped getting kicked up (for the moment). it ended with "and now what?"
what's in and under all that dust:
the blight as everyone has always known it is over. the remaining wardens are going to do what they can to clean up and bring life back to thedas.
the rest of the blight is out of reach and being contained by someone pretty seriously invested in keeping it that way.
tevinter has a new archon, one of two people from a radical faction opposing everything the magisterium has upheld as the norm in the entirety of recorded tevinter history.
rivain is still closely tied to the qunari, as they have been for a long time, with former antaam either returning to the qun with new mindsets or turning away from it entirely and bringing their past with them.
the king of nevarra is dead, or something like it? the mortalitasi are probably fine with keeping things as they are for as long as they can. but there are no direct descendants, nevarran nobility has wanted both the pentaghasts and the van markhams away from the throne for a while anyway, and word's bound to get out sooner or later.
the crows' leadership has been heavily shaken up twice in the recent past. they might be changing their priorities, or taking more power than they already have to rule antiva as they see fit.
the majority of the south was destroyed by the blight. might be an anderfels-like situation there at this point, or maybe the wardens can do something about it.
either way, the south was so thoroughly fucked that the free marcher states united their forces to help. maybe they keep that going in some way, or maybe they all go right back to fighting each other for whatever power and resources any of them has left.
there's uncertainty and massive change happening everywhere, both forced and chosen. whatever way all that dust settles, it'll all be different than what was there before.
"and now what?"
we don't know! how fun! we know there's something new that isn't new at all, and we know it's coming. they've been playing the long game, the longest game possible, and they're ready to collect. the mess that's been made everywhere else benefits them in some capacity, and i'd wager we'll at least find out how.
this is a 15 year old game series with 4 existing entries. when it comes to reactivity, they're damned (by the budget and scope) if they do, and damned (by the angry masses) if they don't. the best way out of it might just be to let it go and take us somewhere else. i for one could not be more excited about that possibility. and if we do go back i would bet even more it'll come with that big time skip. i won't expect many familiar faces. and i'll look forward to all the new ones.
#in conclusion: let's 👏 fucking 👏 go 👏#walk this beautiful road with me. come on in the waters fine. etc etc#xavi vs da#veilguard spoilers#da:v#dragon age#da txt
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i. am so mad. i'm mad at season 4 and at every one of you that interacted with my last post abt vld season 3. i know u were all sitting there giggling at me as i walked into s4 knowing full well it was going to destroy me. no WARNING??? i don't even want to sit down and write about it, i'm gonna start crying all over again
i hate that keith left the team. i have to actually practice breathing techniques right now because it's making me so mad omg. i know i said last time that voltron without lance was unthinkable, but i didn't mean that keith should leave. THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANTED!!!! that also means that there was less keith (and klance) content this season, which i take personally. they did that to hurt me specifically. and on top of that, the team was being so mean about keith's wavering priorities. i feel like when anything goes wrong, with lance and keith specifically, everyone is so mean to them??? god forbid they make a mistake or have personal struggles, DAMN
i feel like this screencap says it all.
guys how about let's talk to each other instead of being passive aggressive and icing people out (i do want to point out though that lance seems more sad/disappointed here than anything. my little klance heart is breaking 😭) AND THIS SCENE??
the moment i realized keith was about to walk in my stomach dropped. they all look so angry and here comes Mister Puppy Eyes McGee. i actually can't take it that's my son everyone leave him alone!!! 🤺🤺🤺🤺 i know they had a big group hug after but that's not good enough for me, they should have tied keith up or handcuffed him to the ship, or something. WHY ARE WE LETTING HIM GO WITH THE BLADE OHMYGODDDD
look at this, like??
the camera setup is what gets me. you have keith smiling with all of his friends in the background and then it swaps to a dark, yawning hallway with the most heartbreaking frown on his face. that doesn't look like someone sure of their decisions to me. this boy is in pain!! i'm also just confused about shiro being able to pilot the black lion. maybe confused isn't the right word, but i'm not sure how to describe it. i'm not convinced?? black already denied him, so why now? i kinda feel like it would've been better had he not tried to reconnect with her at the end of last season, because there was no suspense for me this time. the moment he decided to go try again i was like "oh it's gonna work this time isn't it" i get that it's likely black could sense keith's internal struggles and feel him pulling away and maybe that's why she gave shiro a second chance, but shiro becoming the black paladin again gave keith the excuse to leave, because why do they need him now? they have a black paladin, and it's not him. but to me, it should have been. he went through all of that growth last season, and for what?? just to abandon them when things get rocky?? ugh, i hate this!!
i can't even talk about episode 2 without crying, so just know that i'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face as i write this. i was really excited to finally get some closure on the whole pidge-missing-family mystery, considering that's been a subplot since the beginning of the show. as much as this episode broke my heart, i really did love it. they executed it so well. the scene where pidge lands on that planet with the graves? and they're running and pleading for it to not be true, all the flashbacks of cherished memories and images of matt? dropping to her knees in front of his grave in disbelief??
now that's fucking cinema. you best believe i was bawling my eyes out the whole time. i have a little sister and our relationship is very similar to pidge and matt's, so this was just excruciating. i'm very glad he wasn't actually dead, but part of me almost wishes he was? that sounds SO dark, i hope you guys get what i mean. they just put the audience through the absolute wringer and then they're like "oh, actually he's still alive LOL gotcha!" and that makes me really happy for pidge, but man, what a plot twist that would have been. they've been searching for their brother all this time, so you expect some kind of payoff for dedicating so much time to that storyline, but what if he was just dead?? and there was nothing she could do?? wow this is painful to talk about why did i start watching this show if there's a fic where someone explores that possibility then pls share, for some reason i want to torture myself again, i just love how they did this episode. it's very trope-y, but sometimes you just have to lean into it and enjoy, and this was one of those times
the classic fighting-each-other-unknowingly and middle-of-the-fight-identity-reveal? i'll eat it up every time!!
real talk though why is matt so attractive 😏
soo, zarkon is back. fantastic. do he and haggar just not care about each other?? they haven't mentioned the fact that they're married at all and haggar basically still acts like his loyal follower. i'd entertain the thought that maybe it's been so long that it just doesn't really matter to them anymore, but haggar sounded like she actually cared when she realized they were husband and wife last season. but now it's like nothing happened?? i don't expect them to act all lovey-dovey, but there wasn't even a single line of acknowledgment. and i still cannot understand what lotor's plans are. what is his agenda? he wasn’t bothered at all by zarkon reclaiming the throne, and even went to the trouble to make them think he cared. he got that comet and made a couple of ships, but i still don't know what he plans to do with them. also– i can't believe he killed narti!! i know, i was literally just talking about how she specifically frustrated me, but i was so not expecting their death. i get why he did it, but now the rest of his group doesn't trust him.
i'd say that the one bright spot in this season was episode four. that episode was just so silly and gave me so much secondhand-embarrassment i actually had to look away at times LMAO is this where we got the whole Loverboy Lance and Lone Wolf Keith thing from?? i thought that was purely fandom-made, i was not expecting to hear that in an actual episode. talk about whiplash. and we got this ICONIC scene:
he did that wayyy too naturally. lance, buddy, got anything to share?
i really would have loved to see keith with the team during that episode. i can just imagine how he would've reacted to having to do all of that stuff. god, that would've been hysterical!! the images of the parasite in coran's brain made me gag though, was that really necessary🧍♀️
i don't have a ton to say about the final episodes. i mean, it was two episodes of them fighting on naxzela. it was definitely a bit of an avengers endgame feeling with all people they helped in previous seasons showing up to fight, so that was cool! i'm curious as to what purpose naxzela served to the galra empire though. were they always planning to use it as a bomb? and couldn't they still do that technically? they only broke the witches connection with it, so all they'd have to do is get another ship out there and she could do it again. what do you even do with a planet like that?? just destroy it?? i also just want to point out that lance said they should get out of there immediately, and nobody listened!! and then five seconds later they were like "oh no, we need to get out of here!" justice for lance i stg ohmygod and LOTOR is on their side now?!?!?! i actually can't wait to see how this plays out!! total transparency, i love atla and i could absolutely see this being a zuko redemption arc situation. it's clear his parents don't like him at all (are they actually heartless or something??) so why not join the other side!! I'M HERE FOR IT
i have to be honest, this definitely wasn't my favorite season. we're getting into the later seasons and i've heard plenty about how the writing goes a little left-field (though i'm not sure when that happens. most people seem to agree season 8 is shit, but i've heard complaints about s6-7 as well) so we'll just have to see! i'm sticking it out as best i can🚶♀️➡️ onto season 5!
#vld#voltron#voltron season 4#adie's voltron watchthrough#keith kogane#i was not kidding about episode two btw#any time u want to feel something just watch that episode
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this isn't like the usual NIGHT MARKET FARE that she might have eaten back home. hell, it wasn't even the same 7-11 experience the way it was back home... he wouldn't get it. well, maybe, though she wondered if by the way he's already talked about his dad if he wasn't american born and bred... she'd met enough of those type here, the ones who stunted harder for americana then the kids that surrounded them... as if they might prove themselves to be one and the same. huh. somehow, she had a feeling that jd wasn't exactly looking to be accepted by his peers, so...
maybe she's not TOTALLY out of her depths.
for him, he's just talking on and on, something of a slurpee connoisseur for the uninitiated. her gaze follows him with that hint of doubtfulness, following along. "i meannnn... i've had frozen sprite before. usually with sour lemon added... i'm guessing that's NOT A THING here." well, whatever, how different could it be? she follows after him filling in her cup with what she thought she'd like, pausing to take a sup with her expression half curdling in shock. he wasn't fucking kidding with the sugar coma comments, thinking he'd been joking in saying it, but as she tried to blink away the rush that hits, she's left holding a fully dressed hot dog, trying to keep in mind to trust him on this. as if she ever trusted anybody. well. whatever... once, just once maybe it wasn't going to kill her to give this a shot.
she steadfastly ignores the bemused stares of the cashier. they're someone who was there as a senior last year, she recognizes them - but she's not looking to really get into all that right now. jd's gone off, scouring through the shelves for additional goods and provisions, half fascinated by the pure thrill this seems to give him. it's almost kind of... CUTE... but she wouldn't be caught dead letting anybody know that she thought that at all.
instead of answering, faye just pays for the whole thing - whatever, it's dad's money anyways, and there's a point where this whole meal is cheaper then her usual takeout options that she usually rang up. and it's twice the food! for what she can't tell is good food, or... well. it was to be DEBATED, that was for sure. "okay so what... we start with this hot dog and work our way in? and- before you say anything..." faye sniffs ; feigning her own indifference in a way. "i'm going to consider whatever stomach ache i get from this the wholesome moment to reflect on. but otherwise. i don't need that. i remember everything that's worth remembering. so. be memorable." stating it like a challenge, it's almost half hearted - really, he already was, and worse, she had a feeling he knew that well enough himself.
- @dramatiique
JD laughed. She had a lot of questions about this, huh? Was it really so different to what she was used to. Well, she had that rich girl air about her, so it didn't come as a shocker to know that the very concept of a Slurpee and a hot dog was kinda alien to her. It was fucking funny, though.
"It's like willingly walking yourself into a sugar coma, yeah. And when you drink it quick, it hurts like hell because of the brain freeze." But that's what it made it fun. Yeah, kind of a weird way to have fun, but you had to take what you could get in this rotten world.
He arched a brow when her stomach rumbled, and grabbed a cup. "Okay, enough talking about it. Here, I'll recommend a simple mix for your first go." Cherry and blue raspberry. "You like coke? You can add it if you want a bit more of a tang. Or you might be more of a mango mix type of girl, but with the cherry and raspberry, that could be a risky move." JD spoke about Slurpees at 7-Eleven as if he were playing chess as a grandmaster — he just knew what worked and what to avoid.
"As for the dogs, you have your classic ketchup and mustard, but sometimes the mustard feels a bit much with the Slurpee combo. Sweet relish is a good add-on, though. Something about it just ties all the flavors together. Trust me on this." With the two of them sorting out their hot dog situation, the cashier looked on in amusement at what appeared to be a lesson in all things 7-Eleven.
Once their main food and drink combo was decided, JD turned to scan the shelves. Immediately finding what he wanted, he snatched up a share bag of milk chocolate pretzels. "And to finish it off, dessert." Was it obvious that this had been his way of surviving for most of his life? Before he'd learned how to cook, he'd lived off this stuff as his main food source because he'd rather eat out of a convenience store than suffer through his old man's sad attempts at cooking. Not that the idiot ever cared to learn, preferring to just shove cash at his son to look after himself while he went off to get drunk somewhere. A win-win for both.
"Okay, that should about do it unless you want anything to take home for later as a memento of this weirdly wholesome moment we've shared." And he didn't tend to do wholesome, but fuck. A first for everything, he supposed.
#❝ threads ❞ ┆ the revolution will be televised !#❝ f. valentine ❞ ┆ interactions ┆ shoot before they shoot you !#❝ f. valentine ❞ ┆ heiress verse ┆ nothing good ever happened to me when i trusted others !#dramatiique
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#and i SADDLE UP MY PONYTA AND I RIDE INTO THE SIT-TAY#I MAKE A LODDA NOISE CUZ THE GURLS THEY R SO PRETAY#RIDIN' UP N DOWN BROADWAY ON MY OLD STUD LEROY AND THE GIRLS SAY:#SAVE A RAPIDASH RIDE A MEOWBOY!!!#JOHN WAYNE AINT GOT NUTHIN ON MY FRINGE GAME HELL NO!!!!#well stranger don't ya know i'd like to be yer friend... IF I HAD THE TIME TO STAAAAAAY.#BUT I'M A BRAMBLIN A BLOWIN IN THE WIND. I'VE GOT TO CATCH ANOTHER STAAAAAAAAGE.#I STRAP ON MY GUITAR JUST LIKE A FORTY FIVE. I PRAY EACH NIGHT MY AIM IS TRUUUUEEEE#and ACQUAINTANCES TURN TO FRIENDS I HOPE THOSE FRIENDS THEY REMEMBER ME#HOLD THE NIGHT FOR RANSOM AS WE KIDNAP THE MEMORIES#NOT SURE THERES A WAY TO EXPRESS WHAT U MEANT TO ME#SOMETIMES I GET TO THINKIN BOUT SETTLIN' DOWN. FADE OFF INTO A MEMORY.#BUT EVERY NIGHT THAT I STEP OUT TO FACE THE CROWD?#I KNOW THIS IS THE LIFE FOR MEEEEEEE#pokemon#meowth#ok context. to whomever it may concern. which is no one but idc i have a lot to say and no one to say it to#first off heres my like bi-annual post bc i 1. only draw f*rdekyl* and fucking detest f*re *emblem fans with a burning passion#so i hate sharing my 'art' . so heres a rare non-fk thing. bc i also hate social media as a whole it makes me sue of side all#but like 2. i have deliberately avoided scar/vio bc its a BAD GAME. and its not made well. also i know 'open world' formats#trigger my ocd. which it did exactly. but thats mostly irrelevant. but in anycase. i bit the bullet bc i was in a pkmn mood#esp after my long beloved n*te and dook*ie gave me a hankering for a pkmn game again#and my lil bro accidentally bought 2 copies years ago so i was like fck it ill give it a shot its Free#and yes the game is dogshit. however. everytime i see a meowth in the wild i lose my mind.#his jaunty little yee-haw walk kills me every time. i adore him. thus this was inspired.#alright imma head out i fucking hate this website as well as every other social media . maybe ill draw something non-fk in like a year#see ya in like a year maybe if i live that long. which i wouldnt count on bc tbh this year has been BAD in terms of my pain. im on the#EXTREME decline and can BARELY draw anymore. i want to die. i got nothin left. it just keeps getting worse so adios!#:(
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Literally can't pay my rent until I get paid for September, which hasn't happened yet. Today is Friday, and Monday is the last day of the month. I'm so tired of being poor.
#i still cringe to call myself 'poor' bc i have my own apartment and can afford groceries#and even fun stuff like museums and cafe visits and public transport sometimes#but the reality of the matter is that after i pay off my student loans every month#i do not have enough money left to pay the following month's rent#and that's the way it's been my whole life#all my groceries and museum visits and coffee come from those few hundred euros left over#my whole life i've been choosing between 'having savings' and 'having even the smallest most humble life' and obviously i choose the latter#i never go to the movies#i buy all my clothes second hand (got some this past month after not having bought any new clothing in almost two years)#i have visited a museum TWICE this year#i go to restaurants like... once a month max#i am living the most frugal life that i possibly can without denying myself all pleasures#i don't even have netflix or anything like that! i only very rarely order delivery! i cook my own damn meals!#you get the picture#and yet still: one single missed paycheck is enough to potentially fuck up my life seriously#i've never missed a rent payment in my life but i'm scared it may happen this time#just wrote to HR of my former employer (who is supposed to still be paying me through october) to politely ask where my paycheck is#it's probably coming today (i sure as hell hope so) but if it doesn't... i legit don't know how i'm going to pay my rent#my rent is 673 euros and i only have 400 in my bank account#i probably have enough food in my pantry to survive for a month if i had to#but i've never missed rent in germany before (or ever) and i have no idea how long they'd wait before evicting me for non-payment#i'm scared. and i'm tired of being apparently the only fucking person in my social groups who is this poor#i am an over-educated 37-year-old professional who typically gets classed with the 'expats'#but one missed salary payment has me thinking about eviction and affording groceries#this is what i mean when i say i'm an immigrant. not an expat.#those people with their apple watches and co-working spaces and spontaneous trips to thailand or brazil are... a world apart from me#how come everyone i meet is so damn rich? where do i find fellow poor friends?#anyway i'm stressed. and i'm so so tired of spending my mental energy worrying about money#cosmo gyres#personal
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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re: modern day flashback: That would be so fun! I'm a bit confused, though-- the trip to Edinburgh was to go to The Resurrectionist for the Everyday mystery (& for Aziraphale to go to the graveyard to work on his PTSD)? I do think we're probably going to briefly flash back to *very* modern days-- to after Aziraphale blew up his halo and The Metatron got on the circle floor zoom thing, as Aziraphale seemed to be saying happened the prior night during the morning of the end of 2.06.
We're going to see that Aziraphale told The Metatron to go fuck himself the night before right around the time that Aziraphale gets off the elevator in Heaven and is brought to... The Metatron. Because the one who took on that appearance and showed up with the coffee in The Final 15 is Satan. Hell doing Heaven's punishing for them a la the Job minisode, as Furfur brought up again just before The Final 15. Then, the actual falling part of Aziraphale's fall happens.
Our angel's a demon now but he's about to become the last angel to fall because the concept of Aziraphale being seen as evil is going to be enough to break the brains of every other character in this show enough that it's going to wind up toppling Heaven and Hell by them challenging The Metatron over it. That would be needed to help some people see what they just watched in The Final 15 differently and set us off running for The Finale.
If they want to show us another era that is closer to modern (by comparison to others lol), didn't they want to do the 1980s at one point? That would be fun. Like with anything, it'd have to be short and critical to the story to make it into The Finale but we don't know what else they have in store for us.
re: Bad Omen... Funny you should mention that... *dark snerk* I do think there was a plan for a Bad Omen-- not within the story but the show itself...
Didja notice how damn neat and tidy what I laid out in that post is? Like, suspiciously neat and tidy? I've had the thought that S2 was done in such a way intentionally that it would be possible for it to be concluded as a season or a movie. The asshole was always a ticking time bomb. I'm sure it was planned with options and I'm glad we get an ending but I've plotted story before and this was left in S2 in a perfect place to go either way with a season or a movie. I don't think that was sheer dumb luck.
S2 went deeper and slower in a way the story needed and it might have seemed like nothing was happening at times but everything really was. People mistake fast, action-oriented scenes for story. It's one of the reasons why the Armageddon threat being over so quickly in 1.06 throws some people. They don't realize that all the legwork to build to that quick dispatching of the threat was the slower-paced stuff they were watching the whole season through. The Finale is going to be the same way. People are freaking out about there not being enough time for flashbacks and it's just like... get Crowley & Gabriel to see what's going on and rally the other characters together and once that's in place within the first third of The Finale? They can end the fascist Mr. Potato Head in the length of time of a commercial break because we already spent S2 watching them get to that place.
Would I want more? Sure. Always. I love this show. Since the news of the film broke, though, have I ever been concerned that the film is too short to handle the main story points left and conclude it in a way that people will love? Not for a single second. It's going to be great.
<<The F15 was essentially the end of act 2. We only have the final act to uncover.>>
Exactly. I think people are concerned because they think that S3 was going to be about Jesus judging humanity and it's not. In a lot of Christian traditions, The Second Coming and Armageddon are more two parts of a whole rather than being the same thing. In order to get to the Jesus part, the war of Armageddon has to already be fought and won. In Good Omens, that would mean Earth would be destroyed and Heaven would defeat Hell. That's not happening. We may well see Jesus again before it's all over but, if we do, it's going to be briefly in some quirky capacity, not because The Second Coming in the Biblical sense was successful.
The Metatron's end goal is to get through Armageddon to The Second Coming but the plot is really Armageddon: Round Two. It's the same as it was in S1-- they have to stop Armageddon. They can do that by coming together and getting rid of The Metatron. That's very do-able with the time that's left because it's really now just a matter of needing something that pulls the characters back together and motivates them to do this-- i.e., needing to help Aziraphale.
The Finale is really more like not having a S3 but, instead, having a bonus, two episode finale to S2. I think it helps to think of it all more like we've only seen six of the eight episodes of S2, which is the final season, because The Finale isn't a separate plot with a new starting place. It's going to pick up where S2 left off.
<<If I was running the show I would hit us up with the flashbacks back to back like in S1, ending on their new arrangement which would feed right into the final 15. Recontextualise everything, and then hit the ground running...>>
Oh, you're a dastardly writer. *grins* I like your style! Just come in hot, flip everything on its head, leave everyone reeling and riveted through to the end. I think it could very well be like that and that would be a lot of fun.
I have a pretty big suspicion that the first scene of The Finale is The Vavoom. Whether that's a one-off scene that flips the kiss in The Final 15 on its head for some people and then goes into the opening title sequence and we're back in the present or whether it's the start of a second cold open, I don't know.
I tend to agree with you that doing a flashback sequence cold open to start The Finale would be pretty amazing. Structurally, I think this is the best place for it to go... in large part because of what could happen immediately in the present on the other side of it.
Imagine they cold open for, like, 25 minutes straight like they did in 1.03 and we go through time with Crowley & Aziraphale again in a half-dozen scenes and now, since they're past the point of needing to duck and weave in order to pull off the S2 twist, these are all pretty openly romantic scenes. The ancient times first kiss, a story around the cottage making us unable to wait for them to go live there, the origins of "A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square", the last part of 1941, etc...
...and then, while we're all trying to come up for air? Boom, we're back in the present, where Aziraphale gets off the elevator and is taken to the The Metatron to fall-- and Saraqael takes his memories before he does.
Everything we just finally watched is, for the moment, now gone in the story. We saw it to set up its existence being temporarily erased. Aziraphale goes into the pit of boiling sulphur and... cue the opening title sequence.
They should definitely do that. 😂 People would be screaming.
Ok,Since the Good Omens Finale is only going to be 90 minutes,I have a feeling we might not get a flashback sequence.
Hi there, @rougeside4 💕 I made an apple pie, if you want some. 😊Allow me to offer a different take? I wouldn't worry about this. There will be flashbacks. It's not the show without them.
Short thing on why we're definitely getting flashbacks and on which ones we can maybe see as being very likely still in The Finale.
The secret sauce of Good Omens, imho, is that the real juice of the story is actually always in the flashbacks. The flashbacks that we see are not random; they're always written to support the story in the present. There's a point to why it is these flashbacks we are seeing-- and when and in what order we are seeing them--when Crowley and Aziraphale have been on Earth for over 6,000 years and we could see any of their adventures. They're designed to inform our understanding of the story in the present. The real beating heart of the story is in the scenes set in the past and the story in the present would lack... *searches for words* emotional resonance? thematic weight? general, dramatic oomph? all of these?... if they were to cut the past. Put more plainly: it would suck 😂, and they're smart enough not to do that.
I think some of the most exciting parts of The Finale are actually going to be the flashbacks, just like how they were always the biggest treats in S1 and S2. In the way that they roll those out to us, piece by piece, they're changing our understanding of what we're watching in the present. The meaning of the story in the present is driven by the flashbacks in the past to a point that you cannot have one without the other.
Good Omens is actually driving all of its suspense and anticipation through the story in the past and that's what makes its non-linear storytelling clever. After all, right now, most people know this thing has a happy ending and aren't worried about that, right? We know Crowley and Aziraphale will get back together and be fine and no one is stressing over that. (And if you are... really? Guys. Honestly?! It's called Good Omens. It's a romance. It's a sweet, cuddly show. It's going to be fine. 💕)
So, what are we curious about, if not where it's going in the present?
1941, Part 3, right? Whether or not there's an ancient times vavoom coming our way? What the deal is with Jane Austen and/or 1650? Whether or not we might be surprised with a flashback that hasn't already been set up earlier in the story and what that might be?
Our biggest questions in the story aren't about what will happen in the future but about what we might get to see that has already happened in the past.
There is actually no conceivable way to do The Finale without flashbacks because the entire story is built towards having at least a couple of essential ones happen in its end game. I would not be surprised if at least somewhere around a third of The Finale is set in the past. Are there ones that we would have had with a full season that will be cut? Yes, but, are there also ones, though, that are too essential to cut because the entire story for two seasons has been building towards eventually revealing them to the audience in the final part of the story? Oh, yeah. 😉
Guaranteed: 1941, Part 3. There is no chance that they cut this-- none. They have built the ending of this trilogy of flashbacks to support the ending of the story in the present so it has to happen. It doesn't need to be an entire minisode in length. Part 2 really did all the heavy-lifting with plot and themes here, and Part 1 was a single, brilliant, not terribly long scene. If Amazon reduced The Finale to 15 minutes long, I think the show would still find a way to put 1941, Part 3 in there. The first two parts were so pivotal to the themes and parallels of the story in the present and it's the only flashback that we keep getting installments of throughout the story so its Part 3 is going somewhere massive. If there's one flashback that's in The Finale, it's this one.
Extremely, extremely likely: the ancient times vavoom to which they have been building in clues and hints for two seasons that is going to flip the entire show on its head by going back to The Flood. It would parallel and add extra weight to all the conflicts we have in the story in The Finale that were set into motion by the end of S2-- the kiss, one of them leaving/them being separated, the threat of an apocalyptic-like event, etc.. It would, in almost no time at all, complete the narrative magic trick of the show by turning it inside out for the audience.
The show that shows everything backwards has been sitting on the real first kiss the entire time and saving it until the end game of the story and that end game is The Finale so expect that angel and that demon to be sheltering under a canopy from a rainstorm in the very long ago days and break the internet in the process.
If I were them, I'd even open The Finale with this flashback, just because of how much it's going to pull the rug out from under The Final 15. After all, the first two seasons opened with a canopy-and-rain-themed scene, did they not? Just one wing at a time, though... no under a canopy together yet. No gazing into each other's eyes and vavooming. That bit of the beginning of their story has always been going to be shown to us in the end of the story. It could well be the, well, beginning of the end of that story by opening The Finale. We'll have to see. Either way, it's in there.
It's also worth mentioning that both of these above flashbacks would be going back to eras we've already visited in the story so no time would need to be devoted to setting up the scenes. That would seem to make them easier to not cut, in addition to how narratively important they are.
Going To Be In There In Someway, Somehow: A flashback that sets up the South Downs Cottage ending, which is suspected to be the Jane Austen flashback because of her living in real life in the South Downs around the years that it was mentioned in S2 that Crowley and Aziraphale knew her.
When this was set up for S3 back in S2, the Jane Austen story felt juicy enough to potentially be a whole minisode in length. Maybe especially since it's probably how they are going to be build a history of the cottage between Crowley and Aziraphale to help give emotional weight to them going to live there in the present at the end of the story. I've no idea what this looks like with a shortened run time. They might abbreviate or maybe it was never even that long in the first place? They might do something different in its place? It's hard to say, since we don't know, but they've got to do something to set up the cottage, so...
Whatever this winds up being, though, we're now up to three flashbacks that have to happen because of how they connect to the story in the present in The Finale. These are three, non-negotiable ones, basically-- and we are obviously only looking at ones that we can see having been set up already.
There is also the fact that there's usually a surprise flashback that wasn't set up but which is crucial to the story, like the Job minisode was in S2. It fits in perfectly, retrospectively, but we were intentionally not really given enough in S1 to see it coming in S2 so that there was something unpredictable for us to enjoy. I'm not expecting anything as long as Job again but there could still be a scene more 1.03 Cold Open in length that we don't even know is essential at this point because we aren't meant to know at this point but, much like we did with Bildad 😊, we will see as vital to everything once we see it.
Including that as a possibility, we're now up to four flashback scenes that seem unlikely to be chopped from The Finale. What I just described, give or take and depending on the length of 1941, Part 3, is probably collectively getting within shouting distance of the run time of the 1.03 Cold Open-- and that's going really bare bones and only talking about the scenes that seem too story-essential to consider cutting. There's also one more that might meet that criteria...
Could Go Either Way: 1650. If this has nothing to do with Agnes Nutter, it's probably gone. If it's how Agnes has an appearance in the end of the story to pull stuff together, they'll probably find a way to put it in there because... Agnes. 😊
No one knows what this thing is supposed to be about but we do know that it was set up in S2 for S3 and, between Aziraphale mentioning it, the historical ties to eccles cakes to this era, the fact that it could potentially show a Whickber Street in early development and, most importantly, that it's set five years before Agnes Nutter died, whatever this thing is? It's intriguing. We don't know how long it was meant to be but if it's something that was minisode-length but could be reworked to be shorter-- or if just was always short in length-- it's probably still in there.
It's very possible to have many, quality scenes that hop throughout time in a very short period of time. The 1.03 Cold Open is about 23 minutes long and jam-packed with goodness. I have no idea if they're going to sprinkle flashbacks in throughout The Finale or if they're going to do a flashback sequence like 1.03/Ineffable Bureaucracy again but I do think that at least a third of The Finale-- so, roughly 30 minutes of it, give or take-- are likely flashbacks.
We are going into this movie a lot closer to the end of the story in the present than I think it may appear to some at this point. All the set up work to get the characters into place to overthrow The Metatron in The Finale was already done in S2. It's not going to take 90 minutes for Aziraphale to be in trouble, Crowley and Ineffable Bureaucracy to find out and rally the troops, everyone to challenge The Metatron, expose him as a fraud, and kill the threat of Armageddon by overthrowing Heaven and setting it up to be democratized. That's pretty much what everyone knows needs to happen in The Finale and what is likely going to be the main story in the present in S3.
We know what is going to happen because we know it has a happy ending and we know that we need the Armageddon threat gone for the South Downs Cottage happy ending to occur. We know the only answer is that they've got to overthrow The Metatron. Whether you think the plot is Supreme Archangel Aziraphale or whether you're like me and think the plot is that Aziraphale is in mid-fall as of the end of S2 and that's the thing that triggers the other characters to come together against Heaven, the end result is still going to be the same: The Metatron's gotta go and everyone's got to come together to make that happen if we're getting the happy ending we already know we're getting.
We are all sitting here knowing pretty much exactly what the story in the present is going to be in The Finale and that's because the story has set it up so that we do. Yes, there's going to be joy in watching that unfold but a story designed like a magic trick has to have suspense and give the audience a sense of anticipation. We feel that from this story and from where are we getting that?
The past. The flashbacks.
Everyone knows what the end of this story in the present is but no one knows for sure where, say, 1941 is going, or what new things about Crowley and Aziraphale the past will show us in The Finale. Every new thing we see in the past? Changes our view of the present. That's what makes the story clever. It's also what makes it enjoyable. They cannot cut flashbacks because they'd be cutting the most interesting parts of the story and what makes Good Omens the quirky, unique bird it is.
The present and the past are so interwoven in the story that I'm pretty sure that it is impossible to do Good Omens without flashbacks. The only question going into The Finale is which ones they're going to surprise and delight us with. Don't lose faith or sleep over it-- at minimum, we'll see Crowley's 1941 hat again and that, truly, is all any of us really need to survive.
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guess who's in 🎶troooouble🎶
New Boss does not appreciate my Vile Insubordination (giving an informed opinion in an email chain where she said some factually incorrect things and got called out on it - I said hey yep you're right that what she said isn't true but here's why it's still important to listen to our team)
and now we have to have a Quick Chattette about my Behaviour and Unsatisfactory Response (didn't apologise for being correct)
#red said#fuckin had it tbh#trying to become calm and balanced bc it will not be helpful for me to go in with this fuck you attitude#but. you know. fuuuuuuck you.#i have been doing this job for 2 years with huge success i do not need someone to redesign and micromanage everything i do#you can simply. do your job and let me do mine#instead of undercutting a huge chunk of work we've already done bc you don't know what you're talking about yet#the situation is she emailed without talking to either of us saying an obviously untrue thing which we could easily have corrected her on#the person she emailed came back like hey#that's not true though?#so i popped in like sorry i know this isn't a conversation I've been closely involved it but you're right and that's actually a whole thing#yeah the thing she said doesn't exist does in fact exist but we've been trying to phase out of for years and what's left is legacy stuff#and that's part of why we're unsure about making room for more of it to happen#felt reasonable. i was in the thread to begin with bc my opinion was being asked#so she was like oh why did you do that we probably should have talked about it first as a team#and I'm like YEAH WE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE but given that you DIDN'T and have inaccurate info then dropped offline#i assumed we weren't doing Team Responses#and she's NOT HAPPY with how i replied. i phrased it more politely than that but not by much#but you know what man? seems like a you problem.#sorry I'm a Quaker respect for authority is against my religion
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Oh I have been looking FORWARD to this!!!
Excellent in media res opening, you get us into Fu's insecurities & head-space so smoothly and his ensuing logic, along with setting up Trixx's gambit which I am super curious about to say the least!
As before, more excellent in media res, flashbacks are hard to use but you set it up so smoothly without disrupting the frantic nature of the fight or how off balance Marinette is without a partner this early in her career. It makes sense Marinette's just been low key happy but also not noticing Chloe's absence from her life and is only keying in now, the little details are nice touches as Marinette is a very detail oriented person but one with a heavy reliance on her gut. Chloe's continuing meltdown outside of the façade Purrge allows her to keep up came off really well, the "I know, I suck!" aspect was especially telling, I like Bustier making an effort though clearly being out of her depth given the circumstances. Also gosh, Chloe hissing XD
Adrien: So the Cat Miraculous does make us behave more like cats! Plagg: No, no I do not, don't pin this on me kid. Chloe: (Climbing to the highest place to hiss at people more)
Also nice to see the rest of the class showing some agency and activity on their own without prompting from the MCs, and that whole bit with Marinette nominating Alya only to realize Alya wasn't gonna nominate her was great, I loved their dialogue exchange they are so witty and fun and oooh the confused ball of Adrien feelings, I love it!
Solid break out from the flashback too, and a very smooth introduction with Fu, I love her not realizing his age due to the Miraculous mask effect and his dialogue. I dunno, I just really like how you write his manner of speech. Also more Adrien feels! Fu's method of just leaving Miraculous with people who's vibes are right may come back to bite him XD
"That which was not known could not be pursued, much less caught."
As before I love the distinct manner in which he comes off with, everyone has their own voices, but Fu's is perhaps the most distinct which makes sense given his age and life experience. Sewer Hat Boy, another victim of the Miraculous mask effect and I love the manner in which Chloe is described, very much feels like a feline in human form. The fight itself was awesome, Fu's general nervousness really did not serve him well (Overall) in this fight, constantly over-thinking and fretting and then losing himself in a flashback while Chloe's turned off everything but fight mode. The swapping of the Cataclysm was an inspired idea and gods:
“Five minutes left to show you just how big of a mistake you’ve made.”
Is such a badass line and mental image!!!
Great intro with Adrien's scene, smoothly setting up Nino's upcoming presence and I love the Marinette ramble slipping out as Ladybug! Also gosh his minimal self worth and wow, thinking he can get the Black Cat back even without a Miraculous of his own, optimism bordering on delusion there I'm afraid.
Very swift intro with the Snake and Aspik, it makes sense to skip it even if I was curious, also love Marinette oscillating between her LB person and Marinette vibes. Also oh dear, he went with the bald cap again and aaaah you fools why did you separate, that didn't work out last time now did it!?
Holy fuck that was brutal, easily her most heartbreaking Adrien chapter, this whole experience is borderline cosmic horror in terms of vibes as a thousand truths overlay and his perceptions crumble, heavy stuff! "Would that have been what made her give it back?" That is still your focus my boi?!
Nino is such a ride or die guy, I love him, great sensation work for Adrien and oooh setting up a future conversation that I really wanna see!
& Trixx is here, to make us all cheer, because oh so many questions now rear! I lost the rhyming scheme but suffice to say excellent lead out location, loved all of this!
Crossing Blades: An ML Fanfic Chapter 1 of 3
Next installment in my Chloe goes back in time AU! Link to AO3, then full text of the chapter below the cut.
Crossing Blades
The warning continued to blare on the ancient radio. It almost overrode the sounds of panic coming through the thin windows and walls of the backroom apartment. Wang Fu paced like a caged animal, twisting the bracelet on his wrist over and over. Beside him Wayzz hung in the air, concerned but silent.
Master Fu stopped in place, eyes narrowed at some unseen ghosts of the past, or future. “I must act. Wayzz, shell on!”
In a flash of green, casual clothing was replaced with armor and mask. Jade Turtle stepped up to the gramophone with determination in his manner. Tap, taptap, tap. Out came the miracle box.
Ignoring the two that remained on the top layer, he reached into a side drawer and took out the snake miraculous. He paused only once, turning away with the green band in hand. Is this the correct path? A life of running had not prepared him for a fight.
Without looking back, Jade Turtle closed the miracle box. The snap of the lid renewed his flagging conviction. This was right. He could bring things back under control and set them in balance once more.
If only he had looked back, he might have seen the fox tail necklace judder and bounce. He might have seen it hop from the box and hook itself to the back of his belt. He might have seen the little fox kwami blinking into existence, the culprit behind the jewelry’s odd behavior, then blink out again.
But, he did not.
-----------------
Ladybug ducked between two buildings. She had no idea if the narrow alleyway was a dead end, she just needed breathing room. Squads of black armored knights marched up and down the streets, attacking anyone caught outside at will. Dark clouds painted the sky, casting everything into deep shadows.
She believed the source to be at city hall, a new akuma -of course- but she needed more to go on. She also needed a partner. She was *this* close to wishing for the Miraculous thief to show up, just to have someone watch her back against the legion of minions this akuma commanded.
To think, this morning had seemed like such a big deal only a few hours ago.
“Good morning everyone. Before we start for today, it’s time to elect your class representative.” Ms. Bustier had spoken in a chipper but uncertain tone. She gestured to Chloé in the front seat, “Chloé, I haven’t heard from Sabrina yet, but can we count on the two of you again this year?”
“What?” a muddled reply came, “No, ugh. I don’t want to be stupid representative anymore. Someone else do it.”
That had brought Marinette out of her own thoughts. Chloé had been weird lately, but Marinette had had her own problems to deal with. However, passing up prestige, not being the bigwig in the room? That was something else entirely. Marinette looked down at the back of Chloé’s head. Was the ponytail frizzed today? There was body language there that felt off, the set of her shoulders wasn’t right. Marinette had gotten good at reading Chloé’s moods in self defense.
Ms. Bustier’s lips made a surprised ‘oh’ and she looked up,”Well does anyone else want to run for the position?”
The kind of absolute silence that can only come from asking for a volunteer echoed back at her.
Ms. Bustier clasped her hands and tried again, “Chloé, why not be representative again this year? You know the most about it. You’re right here at the front of the room too. If things are a bit hectic, I’m sure we can work something out…”
“I said No!” Chloé slammed her palms down on the desk and stood up so fast Sabrina fell off the bench as it moved. “If being at the front means I have to do it, FINE!”
She grabbed her bag and stalked back to the rear of the room. All eyes followed her but no one dared say a word. Rose scooted closer to Juleka. Ivan’s brows lowered as she passed. Nathaniel’s eyes began to widen as she approached his desk.
*Thump* She shoved her bag onto it. Nathaniel’s eyes darted, he seemed paralyzed. Chloé’s face flushed for a moment then she grabbed his sketchbook from the desk.”You sit in the front now!”
The hurled sketchbook opened in mid-flight like a wounded bird, flapping and spinning until it landed on the front desk then skittered off the other side to the floor. Ms. Bustier’s eyes tracked its entire flight. There was one more beat of silence then she looked up.
“Ms. Bourgeois, that is no way to-”
“I know I know. I suck, whatever. Shut up. I’m in the back now, I can’t be the rep. Someone else do it.” Chloé dropped herself onto the bench beside Nathaniel, who fell off the other side, scrambling to escape.
He scuttled down to the front. Ms. Bustier met him and handed him his sketchbook with a gentle, ”Please put this away during the lesson, Nathaniel.” before looking up to the back. “Ms. Bourgeois, see me after class.”
An honest to God hiss was her answer to that.
Ms. Bustier quickly replaced the serene mask she normally wore, “So, it appears the field is indeed wide open. Would no one else like to take the reins and lead our class to the future?”
Alya’s elbow dug lightly into Marinette’s side. “You should do it,” her friend whispered.
Marinette bit her lip. It would be work, more work on top of Ladybug. She didn’t want to let anyone down either. She was always late, even before the miraculous. Surely someone else could do it, right?
“I don’t have time. Why don’t you try it?” Marinette whispered back.
“La-dy Blog,” Alya sing-songed. “Come on, maybe you could get Adrien to be your assistant.”
That sparked a whole ball of feelings. Imagined black cat ears popped into being atop Adrien’s head in Marinette’s mind. Adrien, Cat Noir, a chance to be partners again?
“Mylene!” Alix broke the silence that had settled again.
The redhead gave the girl beside her a friendly shove.
“You’re always into political stuff. Why don’t you do it?”
Mylene smiled for a second before shrinking in her seat. “I umm, don’t know. I’ve never actually been in charge of anything before.”
Alix leaned grinned down at Ms. Bustier, “I nominate Mylene! We can do that, right?”
The relief was clear on the teacher’s face, “Yes! Yes of course, nominations are allowed, though they need to be accepted.”
“Cool. Then that. I nominate. Come on, Mylene. Show us what you got.”
After a look towards Ivan, and another downcast fidget in her seat, Mylene finally nodded.
Marinette sagged with relief. That was taken care-
Alya’s voice, “Well, I nomi-”
A storm of images hit Marinette. Pressure, uncertainty, working with Adrien, not working with Adrien. Mylene working with Adrien, of all the oddball things.
She shot to her feet, “I nominate Alya!”
There was a general classwide blink.
Ms. Bustier nodded, “Alya, would you accept?”
Alya missed a beat, but recovered. “Yeah, sure. That way we get an election, right?” She leaned around Marinette, “We’ll highlight important issues with our speeches, right Mylene?”
Mylene brightened, “Yes, of course!”
There was a general murmur of excitement. Marinette took her seat again, giving Alya a smug look before whispering, “Beat you to it.”
Alya raised an eyebrow. “Girl, I was gonna nominate Adrien. You already said you didn’t want to. I figured it could work the other way too.”
Marinette’s triumphant smile melted into sadness. She slumped face first onto the desk. Alya patted her gently on the back.
“I dunno what about Mr. Modelpants does it for you, but I was trying to help.”
Marinette mumbled against the wood, “You got my vote.” She pushed herself upright and looked down to the row in front of them. “He just seems… nice. I think he deserves a chance.”
Alya’s snort was anything but subtle, “A chance with you, that is quite a reward.”
Marinette went instantly red. “I didn’t- I mean-”
Alya laid a hand on her shoulder, “Relax, girl. I got you.”
“You can speak at my funeral when I die of embarrassment,” Marinette groused.
“I will move the crowds to tears.” Alya nodded solemnly.
Much needed giggles slipped from Marinette’s lips. A sharply cleared throat cut her reply short though.
“Miss Cesaire, you will be ready to deliver your speech in the morning?” Ms. Bustier asked pointedly.
Alya saluted. “Yes Ma’am.”
At the time it had all seemed so important.
Breather over, Ladybug considered her options. She wasn’t even sure where the akuma was. City Hall seemed a good bet. The roving packs of armored warriors were a risk. One on one, she trusted her miraculous enhanced reflexes, but five on one? Ten? She wished for Cat Noir. In a moment of weakness she even felt she would settle for the thief. She needed someone to watch her back. She needed a partner.
A flash of motion -above!- Ladybug lashed out and dodged.
Spang!
Her yo-yo rebounded off the wide-brimmed metal hat of a green glad warrior. “Hold, Ladybug! I am ally, not foe!”
Ladybug kept her yo-yo at the ready. “Ally? Who are you?”
He raised his head, revealing the green mask and a smile. “I am the Guardian of the Miraculous. You may call me Jade Turtle.”
She sized him up quickly. Her height, her age? It was impossible to tell much from behind a mask. He held himself with poise, but also hunched like his namesake, as if awaiting a blow. “Guardian? What is that? Do you know what’s going on?”
He bowed his head a fraction, “I do, and I will share what I can with you once the crisis has passed. I have brought you the means to garner an ally in this battle.”
He unhooked a small box from his belt and opened it. Inside lay an unassuming bracelet of Jade.
“This is the Miraculous of the snake, which holds the power of intuition. It will allow the wearer to loop time, up to five minutes, to find the correct path to victory. Give it to one you trust.”
Adrien. The name popped instantly into Ladybug’s mind. She could have her partner back. She reached for the box but paused. “Will you be fighting with us too?”
Jade Turtle shook his head, “I am here to reclaim what is lost. I expect the black cat will make an appearance, and I will be ready. It is vital the miraculous not fall into the wrong hands.”
Ladybug took the box. Something nagged the back of her mind, but it didn’t translate properly and only, “Are you sure?” left her lips.
Jade Turtle nodded and ran his fingers along the brim of his metal hat. “Yes, almost as sure as I was in choosing you to be Ladybug.”
With that he turned and vaulted up out of the alley to the rooftops.
The box was heavy in Ladybug’s hand as her eyes lingered after the only person with any answers to her questions. Adrien. I can get this to Adrien. No rooftops for me though. I can’t risk being seen and followed.
Ladybug checked the end of the alleyway and then scurried back towards school, and she hoped, an ally.
--------------------------------------
Jade Turtle moved quickly as possible, keeping to the shadows. Avoiding being seen was still an ingrained habit. That which was not known could not be pursued, much less caught. The city swarmed with units of armored knights marching in formations. They were a concern, but also, he suspected, the perfect bait. His instincts proved correct. Commotion, running soldiers, and sounds of battle drew him to his quarry.
The new holder of the black cat stood in a swath of carnage. Fallen knights littered the ground like leaves, but there was a lull. Only one knight still stood, sword held robotically en garde against her.
Jade Turtle's eyes scanned the scene quickly. He broke cover, “No! Wait!”
Too late. The black cat moved, slipping the knight's stiff guard and lashing out. Claws tore metal and everything beneath with equal ease. The knight crumpled into the pile.
“You! You! They are being controlled by the akuma! They are innocent people!”
She seemed to register only slowly. Feline disinterest painted across her sharp features. “Who are you supposed to be? Sewer Hat Boy?”
He raised his own guard as he approached. He knew better than to trust the languid curiosity in those mismatched eyes. “My name is unimportant. My purpose is to reclaim the black cat from you. You are not the one destined to hold it.” He directed a pointed glance down to the fallen bodies. “And you paint yourself unworthy by deed as well.”
She tilted her head slowly, then kicked the body at her feet. “They’ll be fine once stupid Ladybug does her thing. As for my miraculous, oh just you try to take it.”
Jade Turtle steeled himself and dropped into a fighting stance. “As you wish. These bones may be old, but they know many secrets.”
With the moment at hand Jade Turtle hesitated, how best to attack? He must strip the ring from her hand. Protection would be the key. He cou-
There was no warning in her eyes, no tension in her stance, none of the things he had learned to look for. She dropped into a hunched run, legs powering her into a lurching drunken charge that devoured the space between them.
Jade turtle jerked backwards. A clawed swipe slashed through the air where his throat had been. Another lunged for his eyes.
Block. Block. Redirect. Turn. Clear roo- no she was on him again. Catch. Twist. Her whole body moved as bonelessly as her namesake, spinning her whole body in the air around the pivot of his wristlock. Her claw toed boot scored lines in his metal hat.
Jade Turtle tried to disengage. He just needed space, time. She dogged his every move. He was being chased again, chased across the street just as he had been chased his whole life. Flashbacks warred with reality. His foe lunged and it wasn’t a child, it was a grown man in a black leather uniform with a very different meaning. Jade Turtle had been helpless then, he wasn’t now.
He lashed out and struck the man a deeply deserved killing blow to the sternum. Contact evaporated the memory. The child collapsed the ground in its place, but rebounded impossibly.
“So that’s how it is…” She gritted through clenched fangs. “Cataclysm!”
He’d lost control! Dodge. Dodge. Stagger. Dodge. Dodge. Backpedal. Something in that heterochromic gaze dredged up every fear from his two centuries of running. He couldn’t- he needed- She wouldn’t give him room.
“Protection!”
Instinct took over when reason fled. He met her next swipe and caught her just inside the wrist. The turtle Miraculous did the rest. A bubble of Green around that black death-clad hand.
He panted, keeping her wrist held firmly. ”Now… I’ve got you. Surrender. You can not-”
The Cataclysm vanished.
Motion.
Jade Turtle flinched and it saved his life.
Her free hand came around, sparking with destruction. It met the dipping edge of his shield hat and blasted it apart in an instant. The feedback robbed him of his senses and strength. Jade turtle fell. He sensed more than saw the shadow looming over him.
“Five minutes left to show you just how big of a mistake you’ve made.”
----------------------------------------------------------
The difference five minutes could make; a million times over.
“Adrien!”
Adrien skidded to a stop at the sound of that voice. He cast a quick glance back over his shoulder, it looked like he had finally lost them. He turns his gaze skyward just as Ladybug landed beside him.
She unclipped a small box from her hip as she straightened up, holding it out. “Am I glad to see you! I looked at your house first and you weren’t there, so then I checked the school. You weren't there either, so I tried all the streets in between and-”
She paused, withdrawing the box slightly.
“What are you doing out here?”
Adrien looked down, rubbing the back of his head. “Well, I thought, I mean I hoped, maybe I might still be useful. If I could, maybe at least find the akuma and report back.”
Or find Chloé and get the cat back. Or anything just to not be a disappointment. Well, not a disappointment to her. He was pretty sure Alya and Nino wouldn’t be happy with him for running off. He had glimpsed Nino running after him, even.
Ladybug made a soft sound in her throat, “Adrien, you’re amazing,” his heart swelled, “I don’t want you to be running around without a miraculous though. It’s dangerous out here. It’s a miracle you haven’t been caught and turned into one of these knight-zombie things. That’s why-”
Adrien looked up, sure the axe would fall now. He couldn’t account for the color on Ladybug’s cheeks, or the softness when she held the box out again.
“That’s why I’ve got something for you. It’s the snake Miraculous. With it you can help me again. We can defeat this akuma, get back your miraculous, and stop Hawkmoth!”
She’d laid out the snake’s powers. Sass had been more reserved than Plagg, but polite. When Adrien had transformed into Aspik he’d thought he’d caught Ladybug giggling behind her hand, but she flashed him a big smile nonetheless. She even rubbed his new costume’s smooth head ‘for Luck’. The plan was simple, split up and circle City Hall north and south. See what could be seen and meet up on the other side.
That had been less than ten minutes ago.
It had been months ago.
Aspik had spotted Chloé midway through his sweep. She ran on rooftops, wielding the power of the black cat, his power. The power he’d lost. He had the perfect chance to get it back, as many chances as needed. Aspik had activated Second Chance and altered his course. He couldn’t fail.
Reset. Come from the right. Reset. Try the left. Reset. Try reasoning. Reset. Threatening. Reset. Bargaining. Reset. Fight. Reset. Angry. Reset. Screaming. Reset. Go for the ring. Reset. Go for a knockout. Reset. Try to call Ladybug. Reset. Ladybug arrives on her own and catches a cataclysm. Reset. Reveal who he is. Reset. Again. Reset. Again. Reset. Reset. Reset. He’s hanging over the edge of a roof, danglinging from her grip on his wrist. The last light is blinking on the bracelet. He can’t reach- She smirks and twists the bracelet for him. Reset. Reset. Reset. Something is happening. Reset. The world feels thin. Reset. Spots at the edges of his vision. Reset. No, spots in the sky. Reset. Destruction. Reset. Cataclysm lingering. Reset. Wearing away these five minutes like a thread pulled back and forth through the eye of a needle too many times. Reset. He can’t fail! Reset. He has to prove- Reset. To Ladybug. Reset. He is-
Falling…
He can’t remember what he said this time. He can’t remember who threw the first punch. A thousand thousand truths overlap and spill out, covering his senses. There’s only one consistency. He lost, again.
Aspik hits the pavement hard. A storm of black lightning tears at the sky for three, two, one. The snake Miraculous chirps one last warning and powers down. The storm vanishes. Time, no longer abused, marches on. It leaves him behind again. Chloé didn’t even spare him the benefit of a backward glance this time. Would it have even mattered if she did? Would seeing him defeated by her hand again have been the right or wrong thing to do? Would it have made her pause? Would that have been what made her give it back?
He feels numb. The street is a too-hard bed but he feels like he could sleep for a decade if he just closed his eyes. The overcast clouds no longer threaten the end, but are still a reminder of the akuma at large.
“Adrien!” Nino’s voice is so out of place it takes a moment for Adrien to recognize it.
Adrien turns his head, still not ready to move beyond that, to watch his friend rushing headlong down the empty street. Nino? Why are you here? It’s dangerous. Too dangerous.
“Dude! Are you okay? Can you stand?” Nino drops to one knee and tries to haul Adrien to his feet.
The answers quickly present themselves. No, and No. Adrien is beyond exhausted. His legs won’t hold him. He stumbles into Nino. His throat feels like sandpaper. “What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you, dude.” Nino loops Adrien’s arm over his shoulders and tries to take on more of the weight. Adrien’s legs still aren’t cooperating.
Ha. Hero saved by a civilian. But then, what’s the difference? Adrien found the strength to push Nino off gently, but not the strength to keep standing once he had. He sat down hard, but pulled the Snake Miraculous off his wrist. A weary Sass sprang into being, hovering low in the air.
Nino blinked, ”Dude?”
Adrien waved him off with a floppy hand. “No time. Ladybug needs help. Defeat the Akuma. Tell Sass ‘Scales Slither.’ Bracelet resets things. Five minutes tops. Help Ladybug.”
Nino’s eyes darted between Sass and the bracelet Adrien was holding out in a trembling hand. Shock and fear each had a turn, but determination was right on their heels. He took the bracelet from Adrien’s hand, “I’ll try.”
Adrien remembered, “Get the cat back for Ladybug, if you can.”
Sass managed to perk some, and the transformation worked. Snake-clad Nino turned in the direction Adrien pointed, but before leaping away called back over his shoulder, “You have so much explaining to do, dude.”
And with that, he was gone.
Adrien fell back onto his back, ready to let the darkness of sleep take him, hopefully before more knights showed up. Instead a new, high pitched, scratchy voice reached his ears.
“Hey. Hey you. I’ve got a proposition for you. We can both help each other out.”
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"Non farlo piangere" girl he literally cries in his mother's arms when he's trying to fall asleep because he gets frustrated when he can't and now I'm making him cry???????????????
#i don't understand how they see this child thing#he's a child. he cries. sometimes he cries for things you have to say no about#like you must say no. why is it so hard for you to understand it and most importantly why the HELL am I the one who's somehow behaving#like the mother when she's not around#I'm so pissed off about this situation Imma scream one day#again. i love my nephew more than my honestly unworthy life for what I'm doing with it#but I'm 23 and i never asked to be a mother and i just want to do my things and have like a little corner for myself#and to be left alone for 5 minutes#which can't happen apparently bc I can't even go to the bathroom without my mother going 'let's see what auntie is doing!'#gurl what do you think I'm doing???????#I'm so fucking tired#and once again why the hell does he have to sleep here tonight when his father is perfectly able to take care of him#i swear if i were to see him once a week I'd be more than happy but every day gets exhausting#and in the middle of it all i also have to listen to my mother scold me for no reason. no one ever says 'oh thank you'#jesus christ#I'll never EVER have children btw#and i hope I don't fall in love with a cis man because if this is how they are I'm very tempted to commit a murder rn#I'm tired out of my mind bc me and my mother had to cook and clean the whole house for tomorrow. do you think#my father raised a single finger despite knowing we needed a hand?#fuck them when i get financially stable enough to leave they'll see me once a year#if they're lucky#again. I can't have my therapist tell me all this things which i start to think about daily and leave me on my own for a whole week#bc then i go insane#sorry I'll prob delate this later#rant#i realize now the post doesn't make sense without context but i was trying to make him sleep and he cried a little#like he. always does btw but somehow today it was my fault
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— OCS AND TRAGIC HORROR TROPES.
i was tagged by @florbelles @henrytlney @denerims @jillvalcntines @devilbrakers @indorilnerevarine @swordcoasts @nuclearstorms to take this quiz for my ocs, thank you all soso much!!!
tagging: i'm pretty sure this made the rounds already jsfkjfkd so i'm not directly tagging anyone but if you see this and want to give it a shot just say i tagged you!! <3
THE FINAL GIRL
the final girl comes out the other end of trauma alive- or, they were supposed to. honestly, you're not so sure you're really alive anymore. you saw the same hurt take those you were closest to while everyone paraded your bruises as bravery, as strength, as if you're the hero. and it hurts. you're tired and you don't want to have to be brave anymore. whatever you went through, it changed so much of who you were that you're still getting used to the person you see in the mirror. you didn't have a say in any of it, but you're here now, and that's gotta count for something. you'll make it count for something. but first, you need to let yourself find rest.
FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER
this plight is the simplest of them all: you did not ask for this. you were never given a choice. no part of yourself feels human, just a collection of traits you've picked up from mirroring anyone you could, even the people you meet through a television screen. it's alienating to live that way- yet someone has called you the alienating one. maybe too many people to count. maybe they treated you so uncomfortably inhuman that it's all you can understand now, or you've dug yourself into such a deep hole in an attempt to keep safe that you can't remember a person living in the home of your body at all. being alive is confusing and painful and lonely and loud but living is all there is to being human- you're already there. just take air into your lungs and breathe. close your eyes and picture a beautiful sky. you made that. you painted that yourself.
THE VAMPIRE
it is the loneliest day of a vampire's life, the first time they look into a mirror and see their reflection missing. drinking blood sucks too, don't get me wrong, but as a vampire you had to learn to hide from the sunlight, from your family, all your friends, because you were unavoidably different now and you didn't know how to explain that to them in a way they would understand. you could get stranger's blood in bursts, but what is life when you can't know someone for longer than the night lasts? you left everything behind because it was easier than trying to tell them. i just hope you know you're not the only vampire out there, and that there exist people who will understand your situation without a word. they'll sit with you in the dark for as long as you'll need them to.
#tag games#violante getting final girl...finally the depressed goths are winning baby!!!#inch resting results i gotta say vio's not being alive anymore but not in the sense of life. more like complete emptiness & that whole part#about being changed so much you can barely recognise yourself in the mirror..YEA SICK. eva's one is the most curious pondering the words#but i'm trying to avoid writing a whole academic text in the tags so just. curious. living in a society that is in fact alienating &#basically living life one lie at a time. curious. don't get me started#FENIX IS THE FUNNIEST ONE. (funny i say as if i'm not crying my eyes out) i see vampire and go 😏 well well hot boy shit then i read#the result and i wanted to break this quiz in half. 'what is life when you can't know someone for longer than the night lasts? you left#everything behind because it was easier than trying to tell them.' ARE U FUCKING KIDDING ME NOW. LIKE ARE U JOKING#i hate when quizs do this thing when they pin down exactly my ocs i'm like okay!!!! thank you for making me suffer i guess!!!#also fun fact all three of them had the 'ofc i am' answer at the 'are you beautiful?' question kfjdks ok babes go off!!#oc: violante#oc: evangelia#oc: fenix
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Being consistently misgendered in DBT is slowly driving me insane.
#our t#I'm literally like. 3 sessions away from finishing this shit and the actual material far outweighs the interpersonal group therapy part#The whole thing would be good if it weren't for the fact that - despite this being arranged by an inclusive mental health service -#NO ONE has any idea of what trans people are beyond like. A mean spirited cartoon of a trans woman. Like from fucking Family Guy#or something (/derogatory). So really none of them have any idea what the word trans even means or what real trans folks can look like#And they deeefinitely don't know that transmasculine or intersex people exist in real life. We're like a goddamn unicorn to them#And this is a nuanced topic for us. It always is. But I specifically entered this space as myself because I'm just kind of#the front man for nervewracking social shit. I can handle that stuff and I don't panic. So I introduced myself as. yknow.#'Hi I'm Dirk I'm transgender and my pronouns are he/him.' Short and simple ID. I'm a geiger counter for this crap#because in my mind if they can't handle a simple he/him from me they're absolutely NOT talking to the rest of my system.#About to shuck off all gender ID labels and just say that we're intersex & use the plural they/them. Just to watch 'em squirm about it#Wrote an email to the idiot leading this group so hopefully something will come of that. Not expecting much though#This is literally the most cisgendered white middle class group of people I've ever encountered#Like. They all have young teens too. Someone actually admitted to me that I remind her of her daughter#Which is nice and all and would be fine if she didn't then consistently fucking misgender me while including me in#conversations about 'girlhood' and how she believes that ''men & women manifest BPD in different ways bc [they] feel different things''#''We as women are just way more in tune with our emotions so they're usually stronger more often! Unlike men who just feel anger''#<- Verbatum quote. My queer ass *just* got done talking abt my experience with being allowed to be emotional#as a clocky queer intersex guy. The answer to which is minimal. And then the gender essentialism never left chat.#Drives me insane because I have so many things to contribute to this but they are all so FUCKING CISGENDER AND PERISEX#And so goddamn WHITE.
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life can be a literal nightmare sometimes even when ur trying ur best to have fun and do well </3
#i love saying something without thinking abt it and completely missing something an ND person would get#and everyone has a reaction and ur sitting here trying to backtrack and feeling like every time you open your mouth it's a deeper grave#knowing that your friend is going to literally go talk to some other friend abt ur situation and ur gonna be helpless abt it#the thought makes me sick#i know my narrative is going to be taken away from me again#the whole thing has been. a nightmare#it feels so unfair when she said that she felt that way because what do you mean. what do you mean. the whole time i#i have been trying to make sure you're comfortable. i ask what you want. i ask if things are okay. i worried so much about you not knowing#it's not for my lack of asking and trying. i involved you in every decision making process. i tried to know what you wanted how you felt#but when you decided to pull the rug you didn't think how it would implicate me. there was no communication no trying#i had no say no context nothing just guilt and blame from other people for making you upset and not knowing why and i was expected to just#sit there Shut up and take it#and i did. i did. i did what you asked i did what you wanted#i made myself so small to the point it started to kill me#god. I've left you fucking alone. and still i have people telling me to avoid things and places bc of you.#how much smaller do i have to make myself?#i just know that by the end of the talk my friends have between Each other. the space I'm allowed to exist in will get smaller.#I'm going to have to behave in a more palatable way. be more quiet. live more quietly. die in a corner quietly.#I'm expected to ask for help from them but i can't have a breakdown in front of them because they can't take it.#I'm expected to rely on others but i can't ask them about this topic. i can't even talk about it.#it's good that i have. other things to keep me occupied. because or else this is suffocating. i don't want to be living like this#delete later
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