#so we decide that his hips are to blame and he gets some pain meds for the next few days

[wytfut]

round 2...

Not looking for any pity here, so please refrain from interpreting that with this note. My purpose here is just getting the word out. A lot of People want to know “whats wrong with Bruce?”  So here is an abridged version.

I’ve been in some sort of pain on and off since 1999. I do realize that I’m probably luckier than a bunch of folks. But still it takes it toll.

All started with a bad dose of poison ivy, I got replacing a telephone pole in a backyard in Seward Nebraski. I’m highly reactive to poison ivy.

2 nights of misery, I went again to the ER... and they gave me a 5 days prescription to Prednisone (oral).

2 weeks later both of my hips had “died”. Literally they really had died. I had no warm up, to gradual symptoms. It just showed up at work, and just about took me to my knees. Exceptional sharp attacking pain.

Suddenly a guy in his 40′s and in the best shape of his life, was walking in baby steps. And blinding pain in both hips. 

I bared it for a bit, and then caved to making an appointment with a local Ortho Dr.  By the time the appointment came, the pain had subsided substantially, and I decided I wasn’t going to make that appointment. My lovely wife, changed my mind, and it was a good thing I did, as who knows where I’d be now. 

My hip affliction is relatively rare, but stats say up to 60000 folks are afflicted with this issue yearly, and I don’t think that is a small number. In general public definition, my body cannot handle Prednisone. I can handle any other steroid just not Prednisone. This affliction is called AVN (avascular Necrosis) caused by Prednisone. Check it out,... its real. Another cause for AVN just for example is alcohol abuse.

Very Surprising how many Dr.’s have never heard of this, or know nothing of it being caused by Prednisone . Yet many prescribe it for their own patients. I’ve heard it called a miracle med several times, and Dr.s prescribing with no thoughts or concerns. I don’t blame them, as the positives are huge for all the possibilities of use. Alleries, inflamations, lung issues, joint issues, etc. 

BUT Ortho Dr.s of any reputation know of this issue. Yet there is no testing for it. Nor has there ever been any 3rd party testing to verify it. Interesting to say the least. ...

Lincoln Dr. told me the diagnosis, and recommended a very good Ortho Dr. at Omaha UNO med center... Dr. Kevin Garvin... he at the time was doing cutting edge technology for hip replacements, including AVN.

Met up with him, and he decided that at my age (too young) for a total hip replacement will not happen... so we did 2 hip grafts in 2 years. He hoped for 10 years relief (the hopeful norm) and I got almost 8 before the pain returned.

Then in ‘11 and ‘12 I got both replaced. Amazing what kind of pain a person can adapt too. Once I had the hip replacements, it shocked me how wonderful I felt. Both times after surgery, the medical staff had to look around to find me, as I was wondering the halls on crutches. 

This pain I endured before the replacements, set off my brain for restless leggs syndrome. I had touches of it, lightly before this 10+ years, but during and after, RLS became a part of my life. 

Story goes, there are many examples of what causes RLS. But mine came down to over loaded pain receptors in my itty bitty head. Being over loaded, they react, thus the kicking and uncomfortable in bed. Rarely does it kick in during daylight hours. If it does..... it really doesn’t affect me, I just keep chugging along.

Then around ‘14 I had a heart attack. I assume some of it was due to the fact that I was slowly slowing down physically over the past 10+ years. I had put on roughly 20 pounds due to sitting around and not being fully active, with hip pain.

Heart Dr. said my health numbers (fat counts, and such) were all border line. My BP over the past 3-4 years had been raising and lowering drastically. I figured related to pain stress.

In reality? ... it probably was the “skoal” tobacco I was chronically using for 40 years. From what I understand, over time it ( as all tobacco) will raise your BP, AND the lining within your blood vessels become rough, and catch what ever is floating around (uh cholesterol apparently). No.... I don’t “chew” anymore. I don’t even crave it since the heart attack. But occasionally I do miss it... the buzz and the flavor.

From this time to now.... I put on another 30 pounds. Right after the heart attack, I started noticing a new pain...  my BACK!

All the years of hard labor, I never had any back pain.... ever... well once I had a muscle spasm. 

Been battling this back pain thing now for 2 years with a good Dr. And now finally last month.... I appear to be pain free from my back. Via an injection. NOT Prednisone, but another steroid.

So next up was to tackle this RLS issue... and got on a med last week. Nothing, nothing, then it started to work. Then the side affect showed up. 

Every morning I’m dizzy for 3-4 hours. This past Saturday it was all day, and nauseous. Here I sit, dizzy. Just got the call from Dr.s office. They are discussing currently what to do. 

UP DATE: .. Dr. wants me to stop the current med for a few days and see if dizzy spells go away. Then regroup at that time. 

Pretty sure way back when I had my first hip replaced I had this very same med as I had complained to Dr. Garvin. And I took it. I fell down 2 days in a row (totally dizzy, no balance), and immediately quit taking it. 

Update..... I’ve come to keep taking a current medication, but a smaller dosage... and it seems to be working. This med I’ve been on since July, and had a side affect of making me very “nappy” during the day. Nap attacks would hit with out any warning. I’d wake up not realizing that I had fallen asleep. And so went another hour without my knowledge. With the dosage down, ... not near the nap attacks if any.

Wish me luck. 

GGP Bruce 

[traitormithos]

My dog has made me look like the worst person on the planet, see tags

[dearest-bucky]

Where do we go from here (3- Final)

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: After one drunken one night stand Bucky wants nothing to do with Y/n. Will he change his mind later?

Words: 2.5K

Warnings: pregnancy, angst til the very end 😅 but of course happy ending

A/n: So first of all I’m sorry for this part being so late but life has been a little bit busy lately, butttt the most important thing is that it’s here and yes, it’s over. I hope you guys like the final part too as much as you did the rest of this story. I can’t stop thanking @tom-hlover because this was her idea and it’s because of her that her story was written in the first place!💕

And thank you to each and everyone of you for reading, liking, commenting and reblogging! I’m really in awe whenever I see your reactions!💕

Also tagging:  @vicmc624 @eyeliveinabook @giveusbackourbucky @atomicsoulcollecto @lokilokilokilokilokiloki @coffeebooksandfandom @sstanbarnes

Feedback is greatly appreciated! xx

This could not be happening! Not right now. She didn't need more than she already had on her plate with Bucky. Pregnant? The words that had left Bruce's lips reached her ears but they sounded distant, foreign. Right after Bruce has spoken, she had fixed her shirt, not bothering to wipe the gel away and got up from the medical cot, practically running out of the med bay. Steve followed behind her and he could only catch up on her just as she was about to enter her room.

"Hey." He spoke softly as he took a hold on her arm. "Hey, Y/n, listen to me." She turned around to face him and he was surprised to see that she was crying. "It's going to be okay.", He tried to console her, but those words only made her cry more.

"No it's not. Steve, it's not going to be okay. I'm pregnant with the child of a man who avoids me like I'm the fucking plague. A man who wants nothing to do with me. Fuck!" She cursed out loud as more tears streamed down her cheeks. She knew Steve hated when they cursed, but she couldn't care less about Steve's language problem. She had a bigger problem to handle at the moment.

"Who said he wants nothing to do with you?" He asked confused and Y/n only shook her head in disbelief.

"Do you live here or what?" She scoffed, not in the mood to talk to anyone anymore. "I need to be alone for a while, please." The last words were spoken in a quiet voice and Steve couldn't help but respect her wish.

"Okay, but I'm here if you need to talk about anything." She nodded her head and entered her room, closing the door behind her.

Steve hated the situation that was created, even more the fact that he wasn't doing anything to fix things between Bucky and Y/n. "I can't believe I'm doing this." He spoke to himself and then without even knocking opened Y/n's door.

"Steve, what are you doing?" She asked a little confused, moving to sit on the bed instead of laying as the captain stood tall in front of her.

"You have to answer one question for me and you have to answer it honestly, okay?" He asked and she could only nod.

"Do you love Bucky?"

Everything hurt, and no matter how many mission he had been to, no matter how many fights he had fought, every time he went into the battlefield felt like the first time. This time though, it had felt like the last. The mission had been two excruciating weeks long, and more than once during those two weeks Bucky had gotten the impression that he wouldn't be making it out alive. The mission was draining yes, dangerous, also yes, but the reason he felt that was because he was already dead inside.

With heavy steps and an even more heavy heart, he descended slowly from the quinjet, not at all excited or happy to be back. There was a reason he had left on a mission that long and if it was really up to him, he'd choose another mission, probably twice as long as the last one right now, only to be able to escape the compound and his broken heart.

Slowly and alone he made his way to his room. It was almost eleven in the morning, so he knew most of the team was awake and doing their own thing, so he walked unbothered through thr halls and unlocked his bedroom door. With a heavy sigh he closed the door behind his back and threw his duffle bag carelessly on the floor.

He didn't want to stop to be alone with his thoughts, needing action, something to keep himself busy with, but now that he was back, all he had to do was file the mission reports, which he absolutely hated. So he did the next thing that came to mind. With sluggish movement he got rid of his tactical suit and entered his adjacent bathroom, in desperate need of a shower.

He let the warm water run down his body, relishing in the somewhat relief it offered, but as soon as he closed his eyes to feel the water in his face, the picture that formed in his mind startled him. Hands and mouths and bodies and skin, touching and feeling and loving and he shook his head trying to get rid of it all. With the shower ruined for him too, he decided to rinse and get out as soon as possible. He turned off the water and got out of the bathroom with a towel hanging from his hips.

"You look like shit." He turned around to face the voice that spoke to him. Not many were able to sneak up on him like that, but this time he blamed the tiredness from the mission and the exhaustion of his heart for it. He composed himself a little before speaking, not wanting to sound as terrified as he had felt one short moment ago.

"And you, Natalia, need to learn how to knock on people's doors." He chastised, a little annoyed at her, but more pissed at himself because he had lost touch. He secured the towel a little more around his waist, before turning his back to her again, opening his drawers and rummaging through them to find some underwear. "What are you doing here anyway?" He asked then, not turning around to look at her. Without removing the towel he put on his boxer briefs and then fished out a pair of sweats from God knows where and put them on too. Only after he was half dressed, he turned around to look at her again. "So?"

She let out a small sigh, one she couldn't mask even with many years in the spy business. "I think you should sit down for this Barnes." He scoffed but did as she told him to, sitting next to her on his bed, eyes boring into her green ones, silently asking her to speak up.

"So?" He asked again a little more impatient this time and finally she said the words she'd come to him for.

"Y/n's pregnant." She said it so casually, he didn't even understand the real meaning behind her words. "With your child." She added a short second later and only then something clicked in Bucky's mind and he snapped out of it.

"What? Nat, I hope this is not a joke." She only shook her head no and that was enough for him to get up from where he was sitting. "Where is she?" He asked her and was ready to bolt out of the room at any second. The redhead didn't give him an answer for that question, she lowered her head, as if in shame or disappointment. He couldn't really tell.

"Where is Y/n?" He repeated a little more loudly and she snapped her head back up to look at him again.

"She's gone to a private clinic to abort the child." The words that left her mouth felt like stones thrown on his head, like daggers piercing through his heart and for a moment he stopped breathing altogether.

"She's..." He couldn't even form the words anymore.

"I'm sorry." Nat spoke up again. "I tried to change her mind, but she said she couldn't have a baby in her life."

"Because it's mine?" He asked, kind of wishing for Nat to not answer, but he asked anyway.

"Yes and no." She replied a little hesitantly, leaving Bucky more confused than ever. Yes and no, what does this even mean? He asked her that too. "I can't tell you anything else,  this is between you and her."

"Between me and her?" He scoffed in disbelief at Nat's words. He was going to lose his mind. "Between me and her it's a baby that she decided to get rid of all alone, just because it's mine. Because why would she want to raise the baby of a monster? Why would she wanna be tied to me forever with something so important like a baby?" He was yelling now, pacing around the room like a madman as he threw up the words.

The door of his room opened and they both turned their heads to look at Steve who seemed confused by all the yelling. "What is going on here? Why are you guys yelling?" He asked and then turned to Bucky. "Pal?"

"Oh, come on Stevie, come on in." The tone of his voice was still loud as he spoke sarcastically. "What is going on here, is that Natalia came to inform me there's something between me and Y/n." Steve was even more confused by his friend's words, but he didn't interrupt him, only remained silent until Bucky explained more. "That something is a baby. A baby she decided to get rid of without even telling me about it. Because it's the baby of a monster like me so she shouldn't keep it." Bucky turned to look at Steve, but unable to meet his friend's eye as his own were blurred by the tears. He blinked once and those tears escaped his eyes and rolled down his cheeks, thick and heavy and painful. "I'm a monster." He finished in a weak voice and wiped his face with the back of his hand a little aggressively.

The room was silent and nobody was speaking, but only a moment later that was ruined when Natasha came close to his and slapped him behind his head. "You idiot." She said and Bucky turned to look at her, more confused than before. "She loves you." His eyes widened at her words, but he was unable to say anything as she spoke again. "Yes, she can't keep that baby because it's yours, but it's not because you're a monster. It's because it's too painful for her to keep a baby that's yours without having you in her life." She finally explained and something clicked in Bucky's brain.

He wiped his cheeks again and turned to look at Steve with hopeful eyes. His friend only nodded, confirming Nat's words. "Where is she?" Bucky asked again the both of them. "What clinic did she go to?"

"I don't know." Nat replied and Bucky's face fell. "She didn't tell me."

"I think I know." He was surprised to hear Steve's voice. "C'mon pal. Let's go get your girl and your baby." Steve patted his shoulder affectionately and a small smile escaped his lips before he moved to get out of his room.

"A shirt!" Nat yelled behind him and threw a shirt at him, which he caught easily and wore it while walking.

The drive to the clinic was technically short, merely a ten minutes drive, including the traffic on the streets, but to Bucky it felt like an eternity as he tapped his fingers nervously on his knee while Steve was driving. When they arrived to the clinic, Bucky was the first to run inside and call out for Y/n, not caring about other people or the nurses and doctors that gathered around him and tried to keep him quiet.

"Please, I need to find her." He said to one of them and then looked around frantically for Y/n while calling out her name again.

"Bucky?" Her voice was weak as she called his name but he heard it loud and clear and turned around to face her. "What are you doing here?"

There were dark circles under her red and swollen eyes and she looked like she'd been through hell. Only wearing a hospital gown, it made her seem even more sick and the thought that went through Bucky's head made him sick in his stomach too. He moved away from the crowd of the hospital staff that had tried to calm him and walked towards Y/n. With a few short steps he reached her, but it still felt as if she was very far from him.

"Did you do it?" He asked meekly and her eyes once again blurred by unshed tears and she lowered her head. A gasp left his mouth at her reaction and he couldn't even look at her anymore. "Oh God." Were the only words that escaped his lips and he fell to his knees in front of her. He hugged her thighs and hid his face in her tummy, crying silently without a care for the people around them watching.

He felt her hand on his hair, fingers carding slowly and softly through his locks, and then her soft voice. "I couldn't." Those two words were enough to get his attention and he picked his head up to look  at her through his tear stained lashes.

"What are you saying?" She lowered her body down too, coming face to face with him, and with a little adjustment she managed to sit on his lap, arms snaking around his torso and hugging him like her life depended on that one hug.

"I couldn't kill our baby." She spoke and her voice quivered from emotions. "Even if you don't love me, even if we can't be together, I couldn't do it. It's a life growing inside of me and I couldn't murder it. I couldn't live with myself if I did that."

Bucky sighed in relief at her words and he hugged her back even more tighter, as if he wanted to merge both of their bodies into one on that hospital floor. But then, he thought, he had already done that, it was a living proof growing inside Y/n's belly and he couldn't be happier.

He was content to have her in his arms like that, but that didn't last long either because she created a little distance with him to finally look in his eyes. "I understand if you want nothing to do with the baby. Just because I decided to keep it, you don't have any responsibility if you don't want, you-"

"What if I do?" He interrupted her and she looked at him half confused, half relieved. "Y/n I love you." He said and she gasped at the words, more tears spilling down her eyes. "I've loved you before and I love you now and I'll love you after. And I absolutely love our little one. There's no place else I'd rather be than with you." His confession filled her heart with so much hope and joy, the only thing she could do was smash her lips into his, unable to form words. He quickly claimed her lips too in a kiss that left them both breathless and sated at the same time.

When they stopped kissing, she finally said. "I love you too."

He smiled down at her and caressed her cheek with the back of his flesh hand. With easy movements he helped her and they both got up from the floor they were sitting.

"Let's go home baby."

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Ninety-One [PT. 1]

A/N: Part 2 coming tomorrow.

Words:3k

Warning(s): explicit language, mentions of drug abuse, mentions of miscarriage, sexual situations

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NIKKI

I stare down at the small, black and white pictures of seemingly nothing except a tiny, tiny little blob, except for one picture which is marked with “4 months” on the back, February 14th, 1986, in white marker in Vivs’s handwriting, one picture out of seven, each with dates…she doesn’t say a word to me, and she didn’t before she handed them over. She just chunked them in my lap and went from there.

I don’t know what to ask, because I don’t know what to say.

“Are these…?” I finally get out, looking at her.

She’s got tears in her eyes, and it slowly starts sinking in.

These are fucking kids--well, tiny little embryo kids, or whatever.

“These are your’s?” I ask next and she nods.

When the hell was she ever fucking pregnant?

I check the dates again…

1983.

1984.

1984.

1985.

1986.

1986...the back of it says “twins.”

“Where was I when all of this was happening?” I ask her, and she licks her lips and breathes out.

“I don’t know, Nikki, where were you?” She replies lowly.

I look at her for a moment, trying to decide if she’s serious or not.

Then she digs in her purse and pulls out a paper, unfolding it before going through the list of dates assigned to each ultrasound image, reciting to me--in my own words from diaries--my whereabouts around the time she lost each one.

I take it that she’s already skimmed through a diary or two already.

I get angrier and angrier with each line, shaking by the time she starts on, “1986--you were unconscious while me and Andy McCoy were trying to resuscit--”

I throw the pictures and they all split from each other and scatter around her, cutting her short.

“None of this is my fault, Vivian!” I scream at her, my heart feeling as though it’s rotting behind my ribs. “I didn’t fucking know!”

“How could you fucking know when you were so damn hig--”

“You came home in ‘83, from that appointment and told me it was a false-positive test and you had just gained a little weight. I wasn’t on smack in July of 1983. In fact, I went a little while on just Tylenol and beer while I was tampering off my heavy meds the doctor prescribed for my shoulder. So you could have fucking told me then what the fuck was happening, instead of shutting down and shutting me out for three goddamn months!” I’m crying without realizing it until hot tears prick down my cheeks, my skin uncomfortable as my nerves singe from my boiling blood. “I loved you, I had just married you for Christ sake--I was happy and excited to be at that point with you and you fucking left me for three months! You’d barely let me touch you, you wouldn’t come out of our room, you wouldn’t wanna go out, I’d sleep on the fucking couch or crash at Robbins or Tommy’s because you’d tell me you just wanted to be alone, and all along I thought it was my fault because I went to that fucking party with Tommy instead of staying with you the night of our wedding and you were just making me pay...and then when you were put on medication I thought it was my fault, too, because I thought you’d figured out I was tampering with smack, and I just…” I’m up and pacing, hands in my hair…

Amber doesn’t say a word.

I think Viv broke her, too, because she looks like she’s trying to find the right thing to say.

Maybe she’s hoping we can talk this one out on our own.

But I don’t want to talk anything out.

Not right now.

“I didn’t tell you about them because I was scared you would cope with the pain the same way you’d coped with pain for years. I was afraid you’d drink and drug yourself and leave me to deal with it by myself, and I didn’t want to put that on you, so I just dealt with it myself.” Vivian admits, her voice cracking.

“Vivian, you haven’t dealt with it, though.” Amber quietly interjects, softly. “You haven’t dealt with it. You haven’t allowed yourself to heal.”

“When were you going to tell me about this?” I shakily ask, trying to swallow down the lump in my throat.

“When you died.” She says next, honestly, her tone a dead giveaway that it’s not something she’s proud of, but it’s the truth. “I was just gonna bury the pictures with you, just in case you had random kids coming up to you in the next life, you’d know who they were, I guess.”

I feel sick to my stomach at the confession, my whole body repulsed with the fact that she’s managed to hide this the past four years.

“Nikki, if you need to take a break, we can,” Amber assures me.

I’m getting the fuck out of there as fast as I can, just desperate to get some air that Vivian isn’t breathing her demoness presence into, and the second I get free, I'm puking my guts up in the hallway. 

I know I had a reason to be angry with her, she hid that from me, like I'd hid so much from her. She thought she was protecting me, though, and I just didn't want her to leave me because I was a pussy and a piece of shit--and I knew it. 

I was more pissed at myself, though, because I knew I'd put her in the position to feel like she couldn't come to me and tell me she was pregnant, let alone had lost it, even before I was on smack. 

She knew how I handled shit--either drink, do whatever drug was accessible, or both. 

When heroin and crack entered the picture, that just cemented her will not to tell me about it. 

I think the biggest elephant in the room, though, despite her being pregnant with Duff's baby at that point, and me and my thing with Vanity and all the other women, and her hidden pregnancies, was the fact she never wanted to get married to me that fast, and I knew it. 

I knew it the day we got married that she didn't really want to, she was just trying to make me happy, and I fucking let her do it because I was so terrified that I was going to lose her if I didn't go as far as I could to secure her to me. 

The amount of unnecessary bullshit she could've bypassed had I just taken a step back and told her we didn't have to get married if she didn't want to...I often times think it would've saved her a lot of heartbreak. We could've broken up when shit hit the fan with smack in '84, I still would've lived through my bad OD in '87,  probably, and we could've gotten back together when I cleaned my shit up--that is if she would've waited for me...and that's why I didn't let up. Because "if she waited" wasn't good enough. I didn't want "if." 

I wanted her. 

So I married her, knowing she didn't want to, and instead of proving her wrong and giving her a relationship to question why she ever second guessed vowing an eternity together with me, I put her through hell, treated her like shit, abused her, endured her abuse, wasted each other's time, hurt each other, ruined each other more and more than what we were when we got into the relationship. 

And that was my first indiscretion against her. 

Marrying her knowing she wasn't ready.

By the time I finish puking, I'm leaning against the wall, taking deep breaths, hearing Vivian crying, still in Amber's office. 

I squeeze my eyes closed, my palms roughly wipe my stray tears. 

Despite being sober, the little fuck that is Sikki is trying to claw out of the box I've put him in for over a month, now. 

Just the faintest, "leave her," echoes in my mind. 

"Fuck you." I audibly tell him. 

"She never wanted to be with you in the first place. Why do you think her body refused to carry your fucking kids? Because she hates you so much that it'd be an abomination to have your little hell rats." 

"Fuck off." I argue, again. 

"And just think about it. The timing of this one she's got now...she was getting her brains screwed backwards right next door to you while you were keeling over. It was like she knew what was about to happen and she was celebrating the fact she wouldn't have to fucking deal with your shit ever again." He taunts, getting more and more of his scraggly hand out of the box, the lid cracking open to reveal his white, sallow skin and dark eyes. 

"Fuck off." I gritt out once more. 

"What's wrong? You don't think she'd do that? After all the times you've admitted she's an evil bitch from the pit fires of hell? Because I think she'd do it. In fact, I bet she'd stare your overdosing carcass in the eyes, screaming out his name in ecstasy, while dripping cum at the mere fact you were dying." 

I slam the lid of the box back down, crushing his boney, track riddled fingers, making him curse me. 

I refuse to listen to his bullshit anymore. 

Vivian loves me. She wants to be with me. She'd be gone by now if she didn't, and I wouldn't blame her. 

1 9 8 1

"Ummm…" I trail off, watching her closely, lickikg my lips, my hand grabbing at the curve of her hip over the comforter she's got pulled up to her chest, her head in the crook of my elbow, looking up at me, awaiting my answer. "...I don't know." I say, honestly. 

"As theological as you are and you can't tell me whether or not you think Aliens are real?" She asks and I roll my eyes. 

"I don't know, miss honor roll, you tell me." I counter and she grins. 

"I think the universe is too big for it to just be us." She informs me. 

"Ah, says the one who also believes a heaven and a God exists within the same wide range of universe." I reply and she hits my bare chest with the back of her hand, gently. 

"Shut up." She says, shaking her head a little. "Is it not reasonable to think there's more than just us?" 

I think about it for a moment. 

"I wouldn't be surprised if aliens are real, I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't." I admit, rubbing my eye for a second. 

"What about God?" She asks next and I try not to laugh in her face. 

"I'm almost one hundred percent sure that God doesn't exist." I state. 

"How do you know?" She says, blinking emerald greens at me, as if what I'm about to say about her imaginary friend she's been brainwashed into believing in, is going to make or break her.

"I'm not sure, baby, I just think...fine, tell you what, I wouldn't be surprised if God were real, and I wouldn't be surprised if he weren't real." I give her the benefit of the doubt. 

"I'd be surprised if he weren't." She tells me. 

"Yeah? Well, how do you know he is real?" I question her, next, a teasing smile on my lips. 

"I don't know, you can't see him or hear his voice audibly, but you can feel him." She explains the best she can and I raise my brows. 

"You can feel God?"

"Well, yeah." She replies, her finger tracing along the few bits of chest hair I've got and I lick my lips for a second before leaning down, kissing her. 

"What about now?" I ask, grinning as my hand pushes away at the covers over her to run against the smooth skin of her thigh and she smiles just a little before pressing her lips to mine, one of her hands threading in my hair with her other arm snakes around me, pulling me on top of her and I chuckle lowly, nestling between her legs while we get hot and heavy with our tongues and teeth.

Both of us let out satisfied breaths when I slide into her, her eyes fluttering closed, brows furrowed slightly, head leaning back as her nails bite into my arms. 

I pat myself on the back and trail hot, wet, sloppy kisses along her clavicle before pulling out of her again, a little shudder going up my back from the tight, soaking heat between her legs. 

When I start building a slow but hard rhythm, her legs are locking at the base of my spine, her arms hugging at my back, pulling me to her as, "Nikki," slips from her lips. 

"What about now?" I ask in her ear as I force myself as deep into her as her body will let me, and she whimpers out, "yes."

A sadistic little pat to my ego causes a pull at my lips, my hand wrapping around her throat as I stare down at her, her nails clawing down my back, tears in her eyes as I thrust back into her…

I kiss at her lips, her cheek, her jaw, moving my hand from her throat to kiss her neck and I swear I hear the faintest, barely inaudible whisper of, "I love you," but decide I'm just hearing things...

Present

I squeeze my eyes shut, the smell of my puke wafting in my face, making me take several steps back to catch my breath. 

It's hard to swallow the fact that I really let myself be convinced for so long that I'd let her fuck my life up, to the extent of blaming her for my life actually being fucked up.

"Fuck." I curse at myself, raking my hands down my face. 

How the fuck am I going to make this right with her? 

How the fuck is she going to make this right with me? 

She's pregnant, with Duff's kid or whatever, and then BAM! just drops this shit on me that she's actually been pregnant multiple times from me and never mentioned losing any of them to me. 

I know it's my fault that she didn't tell me. I know it is. Am I going to admit that to her? Fuck no. Am I hurt over her not telling me anyway? Yeah, I am. 

If I wasn't in sobriety penitentiary, I'd probably be out and about trying to find something to numb and distract me…

I don't know what to do. 

But I do know one thing for sure: I'm not in love with her anymore, but I love her, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same exact way about me...but it's not like we can't get back to that place we were in when we first got together, it's just gonna take some work...a lot of work.

I huff out a breath, taking a moment to get my shit together, mentally. 

Do I go back in there and finish out today or just try again next week? 

I think on it for a minute…

"Fuck it." I say out, shakily, weakly, tears break past my lash line once again, 

a far cry from that tough motherfucker I swore I was for years. "Just fuck it."

Fuck this.

Fuck her.

And fuck me.

[fallen420]

Rebel Spy - Chapter 6: A Simple Supply Run

Description: Auroras life becomes lonely after the war ends but when a familiar Mandalorain needs her help who is she to refuse.

Prologue   Chapter 1  Chapter 2  Chapter 3  Chapter 4 Chapter 5

Playlist

"Okay Okay, I got a story for you," I laugh as Mando and I sit at the table during another sleepless night.

"Let's hear it," Mando says.

"Okay, so we had been at the bar all night. So were stumbling out drinks still in hand. The streets are empty and it's just us and my friend decided they want to steal a street sign." Mando titles his head, "Okay I decided I wanted a street sign. So anyway we're trying to climb up the sign to take it down but we were drunk so we could barely walk. And then these alarms go off and it's loud. When we turn around there's a droid cop. So my friend in panic throws his glass on the ground I mean glass and alcohol go everywhere and he yells Scatter!" I laugh at the memory, "Okay so then we book it all different directions. And of course, the stupid droid ends up follow me." I start laughing thinking about it

Mando laughs lightly, "What did you do?"

"I ran to an ally and threw a rock at its head."

"Of course you did."

"Next thing I remember I'm waking up in my room with a pounding headache." He chuckles, I sit up, "We were so young and-"

"Stupid."

"Oh shut up target practice."

"Long time ago." He reminds me.

"You would have loved Alderaan, this prompts a head tilt, " You wouldn't like all the people but uh we could get you a cabin on the mountains. Not the snowy ones though the ones with the patches of green. Hypothetically of course 'cause it's...gone." I whisper the last part. I look up at him, "Sorry didn't mean to kill the mood."

"Don't apologize cyar'ika."

I want to ask what it means but I know he won't tell me. Instead, I look into his visor and say, "I bet you have brown eyes." I rest my chin in my hand.

"What makes you say that?"

"I don't know. It just feels right. Plus I've uh always preferred brown eyes."

He looks-I think- into my brown eyes, "So do I."

I could of died right then and there.

"Oh," I breathe out.

He places his gloveless hand on top of mine and I stop breathing altogether.

He's about to say something and then the kid starts crying. We both sigh, "I should get that."

"Yeah," much to my disappointment he stands up, removing his hand, and walking back to his room. "Good night cyar'ika."

"Good night."

I climb onto the cot and the second I do the kid stops crying, "I can't believe that you would do that to me." I whisper to the kid and he has the audacity to giggle at me. "Don't laugh at me I will toss you off this cot."

-

I look in the mirror at injuries to my face. My nose as pretty much healed and there are faint bruises on my eyes and check. I touch along the bruises wincing a little at the pain. I've had worse. A lot worse. But it's been a long time since I've taken a punch to the face.

Ever since it happened however Mando has been a little overprotective. I mean he follows me around every scared it's gonna happen again.

I walk out of the fresher and he's sitting at the table cleaning his blasters, "I need to make a supply run."

He doesn't even look up, "No."

"We're not gonna make it to the next planet."

"We'll be fine."

"No we won't unless you're planning on starving."

"We won't starve."

"Are you gonna hunt us some food? Mando, we have like 3 rations left."

"I'll go."

"What kind of food does the kid like to eat?"

Ever since I got here he hasn't had to worry about that stuff. Yes this kid loves eating whatever frogs are outside but he also makes me buy a specific kind.

"You're not going alone."

"It'll take me less than an hour." No response, "Mando, we need food, water, clothes, and to refill our med kit." Nothing, "I can take care of myself."

"I'm going with you."

"Don't you think that'll draw attention?"

"I can't risk you getting taken again."

"Well, actually when you think about I got taken at the ship so it might be safer for me to go on a quick supply run."

"Aurora, I'm serious."

"Fine but we're gonna have to bring the kid 'cause I don't trust him here alone."

-

I hold onto the kid as we walk into the nearest city.

"What do we need?" Mando asks.

"Everything."

"Everything?"

"We're literally out of everything."

He sighs, "Don't let your guard down there are people out there looking for us."

"Got it."

The city is full of life. There are vendors, shops, people are everywhere. I want to look at everything.

I walk over to a booth full of jewelry. My eyes glance over the shiny accessories.

"I thought we were here for important stuff."

"This is important."

I spot a booth with flower crowns and I speed walk over there, "You get distracted easier than the child."

"Shut up target practice."

"Stop calling me that."

I pick up a pink and white very simple pink and white flower crown, "How much?" I ask the vendor.

"Three credits." I take the credits out of my pocket and give them to the vendor. "Thank you."

I smile and place the crown on my head, "Let's go."

-

"Dried frogs?"

"Yes, they're the kids favorite." The kid coos at the sight of them, "See?" Mando pays for the food and we leave the shop, "Okay we got everything we can head back to the razor crest now. I mean I did however see a restaurant earlier."

"Aurora-"

"Come one I haven't had a good meal in weeks."

"Fine."

I smile in success

As we walk to the restaurant people move out of our way, "Okay, I could definitely get used to people staying from me."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean people automatically move out of our way and weird guys don't hit on me."

"Does that happen to you a lot?"

"Not since I started hanging out with a Mandalorian. Here it is!" I walk into the restaurant. Mando walks in behind me and everyone stares. I ignore it and I sit in the nearest booth.

I put the kid down in between me and the wall. Mando sits across from us.

"What can I get you?" The waiter asks starring at Mando a little too long.

"Bone broth for the kid and a sandwich for me."

"How about you?" She practically coos at Mando.

Oh no not again. That feeling is back. I gotta stop this, he's a Mandalorian its probably against their code anyway.

"Aurora?" I hear pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Mhm?"

"You okay there? You dozed off."

"Uh fine just uh thinking."

"About?"

You.

"Nothing." The kid starts to coo before climbing into my lap once he gets settled he giggles, "Little womp rat."

"He likes you."

"You would think so he never leaves me alone," I say with a laugh. I look down at his big eyes and his big ears, "Maybe I like him too." The waiter brings us our food lingering for a little too long. I had the kid his tiny bowl and I take a bite of my food, "She likes you."

"No, she doesn't."

"Really? Then why is she staring?"

"Maybe she hasn't seen a Mandalorian before."

"Or maybe she has a thing for them." He tilts his head, "What? Don't look at me like you know somebody does. I mean I wouldn't blame them."

No, it's his turn to get flustered. I smile before taking another bite.

"Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Have a thing for Mandalorian's?"

Before I can answer a man and a woman walk inside. They each have a tracking forb which start blinking at soon as they walk in.

"Shit."

"What?"

"Two bounty hunters. I'm almost certain those tracking forbs are for us."

"Let's go."

"Wait if we run out of here don't you think we'll draw attention to ourselves."

"Either way it's a bad idea."

"Okay, I'll go first you follow." I hide the kid in my jacket, slowly standing up, and walking out of there trying to draw the least amount of attention. Then the kid laughs, "Shh." But it's too late the bounty hunters already have their blasters drawn.

I draw mine and Mando draws his. The girl is pointing her's at me and the man has his pointed at Mando.

The waiters and customers either run out the door and hide under the tables and behind the bar.

"Let's make this easy," She says, "Give us the kid. No one gets hurt."

"No," Mando and I say at the same time.

"Suit yourself."

They both shoot. I get down and hid under the table in front of me. I hear more shooting. I come out and shoot the girl in the shoulder. She shoots at me again and I hide. I come out again to see Mando and the guy in a very intense fight.

Mando throws him across the room. He hits the wall knocking him out. This pisses off the girl she shoots Mando but it just bounces off his armor. I shoot her again this time in the leg. She falls to the ground in pain. I walk up behind her hitting her in the head with my blaster knocking her out. I grab the tracking forb off her hip and Mando gets his. We grab our stuff and go.

The walk back to the ship is mostly silent.

"Wait."

Mando stops walking and turns around, "What?"

"We didn't pay." He turns back to keep walking, "It's the least we could of done."

-

When we get back to the ship I put everything we bought away. I place the flower crown that someone said intake during the fight on my cot before going up to the cockpit.

"The tracking forbs?"

"Destroyed them?"

"Good." I sit down.

"The kid?"

"Asleep. He has a very eventful day." I yawn feeling the tiredness take over my body.

"You should some sleep too, cyar'ika."

Maybe its because I'm too tired to actually think but I finally ask him, "What does that mean?"

He stiffness, "Nothing."

"It's Mando'a right?"

"Yeah."

"Then what does-"

"It doesn't mean anything."

"Fine but I'll get it out of you one day." I end up drifting off to sleep in the chair.

-

I crawl out of bed careful not to wake the sleeping women next to me. I put on a robe and walk onto the balcony. You could see the whole city from here. The busy streets. The people going on about their life.

"What are you doing?" She asks now standing behind me.

"Just enjoying the view."

We look back out onto the view together. Then we see a weird light in the sky.

"Hey what is that?"

Then nothing.

I wake up breathing heavily from the recurring nightmare. Mando turns around quickly, "What wrong?"

"Nothing just a uh- bad dream that's all."

I haven't dreamt about her in years. Why now?

"Oh. Do you wanna- talk about it?" he struggles to get that last part out.

"It's just sometimes I dream that uh I was on Alderaan when it happened." I don't mention the girl I used to love because she's in the past and this is my future.

He thinks for a long time before saying, "You have survivors guilt. I uh had it too. You dream about it because you think you should of been there it should of been you instead. I used to get the same kind of dreams."

"Oh."

He says this part quieter, "You can't feel bad for things out of our control, cyar'ika."

-

Feedback is always appreciated :)

[whoareurl]

birthday fic for softersteve <3

i’ve been gone for ages soz but i had to pop by and give @softersteve some birthday love because i still read their blog religiously for all the soft steve content so here’s some shrinkyclinks of my own. it’s a bit light on snez but there’s plenty of whump! and i might have an idea for a part 2 but we’ll see

-

By the time spring break rolls around, Steve is practically dead on his feet. Midterms floored him and he’d spent so much time in the art building over the past two weeks that he wouldn’t be surprised if he’s developed a conditioned rage response to the hideous 80s wallpaper in his favourite workroom. So, when it comes time to pack for their week-long trip home, Bucky is the one who does most of the hard work. The lucky bastards in engineering don’t have midterms in the spring semester and the bright-eyed innocence in Bucky’s eyes kinda makes Steve want to stab him in the hand with a fork. 

“Got everything?” Bucky asks as Steve slips into the passenger seat, dosed up on Ambien and fully prepared to fall asleep as soon as they hit the interstate. It’s only a two hour drive, much shorter than what many students have to endure, but it’s still more than Steve’s stomach can handle, especially with all the stress he’s been under lately. Besides, his joints have been aching all day and the beginning of spring allergy season is making him congested so he’s happy for the option of a little time out. “All your meds?”

Steve rolls his eyes fondly, already feeling heavy-lidded. “Yes, ma.”

Bucky grins and, like the dickhead he is, plays up his role. “Are you sure you don’t need the bathroom before we leave?”

Steve slaps him and buckles himself in. “Jerk.”

“Punk,” Bucky shoots back and starts the engine. “I’m putting on my country playlist so you’re just gonna have to deal until the meds knock you out.”

Steve groans but it’s a playful groan. Despite his protests, Steve doesn’t actually hate the country songs Bucky adores. Well, not all of them. And he’s gonna be out cold in about twenty minutes so he figures it’s only fair to indulge Bucky’s garbage music taste.

“You’re the boss,” he says, firing off a mocking salute before tucking his school sweatshirt up between his neck and his shoulder and settling in for the ride.

He expects to be woken by Bucky telling him they’ve arrived so it’s with some surprise and confusion that Steve finds himself awake barely an hour later with an absolute cacophony of bells ringing in his head and a thin sheen of sweat all over his skin. He lets out a little groan and makes an aborted move to get Bucky’s attention before he remembers that he’s driving. 

“B-Buck,” he croaks out without ever really deciding to speak. 

Bucky hums gently and, when he looks over at Steve, he pales quite significantly. “Stevie? What’s wrong? You gonna be sick?”

As he’s speaking, Bucky is already turning the music off and reaching blindly behind him for a plastic bag which he thrusts into Steve’s lap as a makeshift sickbag. Steve coughs and then he can’t stop coughing. And then he thinks back to the midterms and the stress and the all-nighters and he feels a weight settle heavily on his shoulders. So, it wasn’t allergies. He’s not sure if the timing is excellent or awful since now he’s not going to be enjoying his time off but at least he won’t be missing class. Either way, this is already shaping up to be one hell of a spring cold.

“You’re running a fever,” Bucky worries as he briefly touches Steve’s forehead, glancing between Steve and the road.

“I know!” Steve snaps and feels immediately guilty. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Bucky returns and he doesn’t even sound fazed. Ambien-fuelled Steve isn’t exactly known for being a barrel of laughs. And right now, he feels like garbage. “We’re about 45 minutes out. You gonna be okay?”

Steve sighs and is about to make a half-hearted quip about not having much choice when he’s suddenly overtaken by a desperate need to sneeze.

“Heh’NGXshoo!” Steve is thrown forward with the unexpected force of it and stays there when he can feel another one building. “EhYISHHew! NXGH’huh!”

“Don’t stifle,” Bucky mumbles. Steve feels Bucky’s hand land on his back and rub along the bumps of his spine. 

Without tissues, the best Steve can do is wipe his nose on the cuff of his hoodie and sniffle the rest back. It’s, fundamentally, super fucking gross. God, he’s so cold and he cannot stop shivering. The fact that his t-shirt is soaked with cold sweat certainly isn’t helping but he’s sure as hell not going to take it off. Because that would mean having to take his hoodie off and the thought makes him want to cry. Instead, he kicks off his shoes and brings his knees up to his chest, grateful, for once in his life, that he’s small enough to curl up in Bucky’s passenger seat. 

“Services coming up,” Bucky says. Without opening his eyes, Steve knows exactly the worried expression Bucky is wearing by the tone of his voice. “I can pick up some tissues?”

Steve sniffles, feeling somewhat pitiful. Tissues would certainly be good. But they’ll get there faster if they don’t stop. It’s a dilemma but, in the end, when another violent shiver wracks through him, Bucky makes the decision for him.

“Alright. Tissues and a blanket,” he says, cranking up the heat and angling the blowers so they’re all pointed at Steve. 

When they’re parked in the service station, Bucky reaches over to push Steve’s sweaty hair off his forehead. “You don’t do anything by halves, huh, Stevie?” He says gently, leaning in to kiss Steve’s forehead. “I’ll be right back. Don’t do anything stupid?”

“Can’t. You’re taking all the stupid,” Steve mumbles, forcing a weak smile. This seems so appease Bucky somewhat and he smiles back. 

“Five minutes,” he says, and then he’s gone. 

Steve feels awful, there’s no denying it. The joint pain he’d been feeling earlier has progressed from a dull ache to something a bit more aggressive, particularly in his hips, and the congestion in his sinuses has spread down into his upper chest. He feels the tightness pulling just below his collarbones and resigns himself to the fact that this is going to be a nightmare of a week.

True to his word, Bucky returns quickly and throws a fleece blanket over Steve’s shivering body. “Sorry, pal, all they had were Yankees blankets.”

Steve makes a face. “I better not have Gerrit Cole’s face on me right now,” he grumbles, cracking one eye open to look at Bucky.

Bucky laughs, ripping open a fresh box of tissues and settling it near the gear shift. “You gonna take it off if he’s on there?”

“Fuck off,” Steve grumbles, opting not to look and live in warm, comfortable denial. 

His next breath catches deep in his chest and he curls in on himself with another rattling cough. Thankfully, he gets it under control before Bucky starts rummaging through the glove box for his inhaler. He’s actually gone one in his pocket thank you very much. Not that anybody ever bothers checking anymore. No, his reputation for leaving it at home - either out of forgetfulness or, for one memorable year in middle school, sheer stubbornness - has pretty much put an end to anybody bothering to check if he’s carrying one before they hand him another. He supposes he should be touched and, on a good day, he is. But today is not a good day. Today is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day and Steve just wants to be asleep.

“Not long now, Stevie,” Bucky says soothingly. Steve wants to be annoyed because he’s not a child but he can’t find it in himself because, damnit, Bucky’s voice is actually soothing when he talks like that. 

Fuck, he’s so in love.

~ 

By the time they’re pulling up outside Sarah Rogers’s house, Steve feels truly miserable. He’d started feeling nauseous about ten minutes ago and had opened the window for some air which only brought back his earlier shivers with a vengeance. And, to top it all off, he saw the Yankees logo on the damn blanket. Today sucked. 

“Come on, babydoll,” Bucky says as he helps Steve out of the car. 

Somewhat reluctantly, Steve abandons the traitorous blanket in the car but snags the box of tissues and lets Bucky sling his arm around his shoulders as they head up to the door. As usual, Bucky rings the doorbell to let Sarah know they’re there and then heads inside. Steve shivers involuntarily at the warmth of the house and catches a few, itchy sneezes into a fresh handful of tissues. 

His nose hasn’t stopped running since it started nearly an hour ago and all he wants is a change of clothes and a nap.

“My boys!” Sarah exclaims as she comes out of the living room to greet them, expression softening when she sees the state of her son. 

That expression is just too much for Steve who detaches himself from Bucky and wraps his mother up in a hug. He can’t smell anything through his stuffy nose but he can imagine the homely way she always smells and has to blink back tears. God, he’s a mess. He blames the Ambien more than anything. Everybody knows they fuck with you if you don’t sleep long enough.

“Aw, honey,” Sarah mutters into Steve’s hair, running a hand up and down his back. “You shouldn’t have come all this way if you weren’t feeling well. I’ll still be here in the summer.”

“Didn’t feel bad until we left,” Steve admits, somehow completely forgetting how much worse that makes his cold sound. 

Sarah frowns and holds him at arms length, looking him up and down. “That came on fast. How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay, Ma,” Steve starts but Bucky interrupts before he can offer any platitudes. 

“Like hell you are,” Bucky grumbles, slipping his arm around Steve’s waist. “Bed. Let’s go.”

Steve huffs, his indignation giving him the strength to stand his ground. “I’m fine.”

Bucky yawns. “Who said it was for you? I drove all the way here. I need a nap.”

“Well, you can go without me,” Steve says, unsure why exactly he’s continuing this argument. He wants to go to bed. But he’s not going because he’s told to, even if it is Bucky and Ma.

Bucky pouts. “But I sleep better with you there.”

That bastard. Steve knows what he’s doing. He’s used this tactic time and again and the worst part is that it always works. It’s working now. Steve knows he’s going to agree even before his Ma presses a kiss to his cheek and says, “Take the guest bed, boys. You’ll have more space.”

So Steve lets Bucky drag him upstairs, lets Bucky dig out a sleep shirt for him while he gets undressed, lets Bucky pull him tight against his side and tuck a hot water bottle against his back. He gives in. He cuddles up close and drifts off tracing the curve of Bucky’s hip bone with his fingers. 

Bucky’s so beautiful. Steve doesn’t know how he got so lucky. 

“Marry me,” he whispers as he finally drops off the edge of the cliff into sleep.

part two

[ragnarachael]

i’ll live to see another day

Pairing: Stephen Strange x ER Nurse!Reader

Word Count: 2,093

Summary: You're finally back in your apartment from your long shift at Metro-General, but your mystical boyfriend decided you couldn't take a break yet.

Warnings: we got sum INJURIES, BLOOD, INACCURATE MEDICAL TALK, and stephen strange feeling guilty for even asking you to do this. he loves u. he promises.

MASTERLIST !  FEEDBACK !

You unlocked the door to your apartment, expecting it to be empty.

Yet Stephen Strange stood in your kitchen, the smell of coffee wafting through the air.

“Stephen?” You questioned, letting out a soft sigh as you placed your bag down, tossing your keys on the small hallway cabinet you had near the door. You heard him call back when your eyes caught some drops of red. You shuffled alongside the small trail that seemingly led to the kitchen.

That's when you found Stephen, who was hunched over your kitchen counter, dressed in street clothes for once in his mystic life, holding on tightly to a novelty mug you got from a trip to Universal Studios.

His shirt was absolutely drenched in blood, which was what made it clinging to his left side.

“Jesus Christ, what happened to you!?” You were quick to walk to his side as he grunted, standing up straight as your hands found the bottom hem of his shirt.

“Easy, sweetheart,” Stephen hissed out in retaliation as you got his shirt up to see what looked like a stab wound. You had half the mind to keep your eyes trained on your hands, quick to switch into nurse mode.

“Do not sweetheart me right now, Stephen.” It was quick, stern, and Stephen definitely knew he was in deep shit.

You’d probably make him repay you by cleaning up his blood from your floors while you clean the counters.

Stephen let out another gasp as your hands let the shirt fall back down, a quick mumble of an apology heard before you were off rushing to your bathroom for your first aid kit.

You were still in your scrubs from your shift, and Stephen was already blaming himself and feeling guilty. But he had nowhere else to go.

He couldn’t go to the hospital, too many wandering eyes along with the fact that he was too proud of himself for not going to Metro-General again. Claire was out helping an apparent mutual friend named Mike, whoever the hell that was to Stephen, and Christine was out of town.

You were the only option left, and he didn’t like having to subject you to cleaning him up when he’s hurt since he knew you couldn’t stand seeing people you love in pain. 

Just like him.

“Okay, was it a regular blade or another magical one that will make me want to strangle you for even trying to fight off?” You asked suddenly as you flew back through your living room from the bathroom, navigating without even looking up from the medical pack back to the kitchen, digging through the bag.

“It seemed like a normal blade,” Stephen replied. “Do you need me to—”

“No, I got it,” you said in a motherly tone, pointing to one of the dining chairs you have with your small table in the kitchen, “sit. Maybe take your shirt off so I can use it as a rag. And yes, I can get the blood out when I’m done.”

Stephen tried not to feel dejected when you denied his help and did was he was told once he put the coffee mug down, suddenly very happy he already shrugged his jacket off when he first sling-ringed in.

You placed the bag along with some extra supplies on your small dining room table as Stephen yanked his shirt off, trying not to make any noises of pain before the grey fabric was held out your way.

Thanking Stephen as you grabbed the shirt, you decided to kneel between his open legs to have better access to his side. You started getting to work by gently dabbing the wound with his shirt to soak up most of the excess blood before starting to sanitize.

Watching you work was always a treat for Stephen. He’s been told multiple times by you that it’s weird that he likes watching his girlfriend as she’s sewing up his wounds that he could have wound up dead from.

You were good at what you did, was his instant reply. Stephen was never one who complimented doctors or nurses on their techniques much, before and after you met him, but you took his word almost as law. If Doctor Stephen Strange said you were good at what you did, you must be pretty damn good.

“What’d you even get this from?” You asked in exasperation, moving to dig through the med pack again for what Stephen could only assume was a needle and thread. It was a deep wound, he was sure of it.

“I uh, was on a mission with Stark and his boy band,” Stephen started, shifting with a grunt working it’s way out of his throat, “had a tussle with Loki.”

You didn’t hesitate to hold back a scoff. “That’s bullshit.”

Stephen loved you, even if you could call out his bullshit.

“You’re right, it’s bullshit,” Stephen replied almost directly after you spoke, clearing his throat. “Wong and I had this thing to attend at Kamar-Taj and it got ruined by some intergalactic stuff, got stabbed by one of our own who we believe was an insider on the whole ordeal.”

“Ah,” you mused, both in response to Stephen’s story and finding the needle you were looking for, “more Mystic Art’s lingo I don’t get, gotcha.”

Stephen let out a small laugh, tilting his head back. “Mystic Art’s lingo? I expected to hear mumbo jumbo.”

“All I heard were the words intergalactic and Kamar-Taj and I knew.”

Stephen was about to let out another laugh before he let out a loud hiss of pain just as the needle went through his skin.

“You’re smart though, you know bigger words than those, Y/N.”

“Not when I’ve just gotten off an almost 24 hour shift, Stephen,” you responded, Stephen more than likely detecting your undertones of annoyance.

It was quiet between the two of you for a bit after that, smoothly stitching Stephen up just as the sun started to rise. He shuddered, your abnormally cold hands constantly moving.

“I’m sorry.”

Stephen was sincere. He usually isn’t with Claire, for the two of them love verbally sparring. Christine doesn’t take it, but with you he always finds himself apologizing constantly, even if you never prompted him for it and already reassured him that he’s fine.

“It’s okay,” you said softly, finally finishing the last stitch. “I’m just happy you didn’t bleed on my rug.”

The both of you shared a laugh.

“I knew you’d kill me, the kitchen was my only option.”

“Why didn’t you go to Claire’s? Usually she takes care of this.” You expertly finished off the stitch before grabbing scissors to cut the excess thread.

“She’s uh.. She said she’s with our mutual friend Mike?”

“Oh! Mike!” Your face lit up the second the name was mentioned, slowly shifting into a squatting position so you were already on your feet before to place the needle down and grab the big bandage you laid out previously. “How’s he?”

“Wait, who’s Mike?”

Your face when you looked up at him almost made him laugh.

“Mike? Are you joking? Are we not remembering the codename talk?”

“Codename talk?” 

You groaned dramatically, peeling open the bandage as Stephen just now noticed you were wearing gloves. It made sense, your hands were never that cold when you touched him. 

It took him a moment to remember what you meant by the codename talk, but when he did he sat up a little straighter which helped you conveniently place the bandage on his freshly stitched wound.

“Oh! The codename we use on the phone!”

“Christ, it took you that long?” You quipped as you carefully smoothed the bandage down before rubbing the edges.

“It’s been a long day, okay? And Matt’s doing fine as he can get if Claire’s helping him out,” Stephen replied as he looked down at your gloved hands, watching you smooth the edges down that you had missed.

“Very true. Sad that on Claire’s only day off she’s still technically doing her job.”

“You would prefer a blind vigilante climbing through your windows and ask to be stitched up instead of me? I’m hurt, Y/N. Truly hurt.”

“You can’t climb through windows, Stephen. You sling-ring in and come in unannounced. At least with Matt I’d know if he came in,” you explained playfully before placing your hands on his spread knees to help get back up on your feet before taking your gloves off.

“Not all the time!”

“Yes, all the time!”

“No!” Stephen exclaimed again as if he were a child, holding back a grunt as he moved to try and sit normally, his hand flying almost instantly to his bandage.

“How’d you get in here?” You questioned sternly, placing your hands on your hips. 

You definitely got your answer when he didn’t reply right away.

“My point exactly.” 

“Matt’s footsteps are light! Remember the one time he came in through one of the windows of the Sanctum and scared the hell out of me?” You let out a laugh as you tossed the gloves into your trashcan, walking to your cabinet where the mugs were.

“You had your headphones in, Stephen, why else would you be scared? I could do that with or without powers!” You exclaimed with a quiet snort, opening the cabinet door before looking over at Stephen as he tried to find the will to get up. “Do you need help, baby?”

Stephen just groaned in defeat from your statement before slowly rising to his feet from the chair as you picked a mug he’d bought you from a small souvenir shop when he actually did go on a mission with Stark and his circus.

“No thank you, dear. Should be fine,” Stephen confirmed as he started to slowly pad over to where you stood, watching you hesitantly reach for the hot coffee pot.

“Are you sure? You have the too much gene, remember—”

“Y/N, I’m more than sure my stitches won’t reopen just from me walking around.”

You let out a soft sigh before nodding to yourself, a quiet okay coming from under your breath.

Stephen could still hear the worry in your voice and couldn't help but feel his heart tug with guilt again. Grabbing his still warm mug, he decided to lean against the counter to watch you make your coffee in what felt like a record time. 

You were placing the small container of sugar you have back where it belonged when Stephen spoke up again.

“Thank you.”

“You already said that,” you replied gently, starting to carefully stir your coffee with a smaller spoon as you turned around to face Stephen.

“I know but.. I’m just feeling thankful.”

You squinted at that sentence and felt your hip jutting out. “Are there more injuries I need to fix?”

Stephen could tell that your eyes were inspecting his bare top half just as he sipped his coffee.

“No. I just love you.” Stephen tried to hold back a chuckle as he watched your eyes roll, a fond smile growing on your face.

“Shut up. Do you want a fresh shirt?”

Stephen smiled smugly as he lifted his mug to take another sip. “Nah. I think you like this view.”

“I do, but that doesn’t mean you can’t put a shirt on, Strange,” you quipped, finally stopping your stirring motion and tapping the spoon on the side of the mug. “Pink Floyd?”

Stephen placed his mug on the counter top of your kitchen counter, a soft thud left in its wake as you innocently placed the spoon you used in the sink.

“That’s where it went? Don't tell me you stole my Led Zepplin shirt, too."

He heard a second soft thud of a mug after you took a sip, starting to walk towards the arch way of the kitchen to get out and grab something for him to wear.

"That's a secret I'll never tell." You smiled innocently as you stopped in your tracks just in front of him before getting up on your tiptoes to press a kiss to his lips. "Hang tight. I'll get the Pink Floyd shirt for you."

Stephen couldn't help the smile that crept onto his face after he felt your lips one last time on his before you walked out, heading to the direction of your bedroom. He was quick to call out another thank you, to which you replied with a thumbs up sticking out from your bedroom doorway just as you walked in.

[angstymarshmallow]

unattached strings (bryce lahela x mc)

[a little note: I haven’t been able to write anything in ages. It’s been the absolute worst. I’ve finally managed to finish something and I’m just gonna post it before I can change my mind].

[summary: after a long day at Edenbrook hospital, Bryce manages to convince Maci (MC) that she’s in need of a break].

[words counted: 3815]

Edenbrook hospital is busy.

Within nearly every half an hour, there is another matter that requires attention. Another code blue that has the attendings rushing back and forth, and barking orders to interns.

And In the midst of it all, Maci’s coffee breaks have grown shorter as the influx of patients in the clinic grows larger. 

Subconsciously, she’s lost count of how many times she’s yawned or rubbed her eyes dry when she thinks no one else is looking. 

Still, she pushes herself. 

She swallows back the weariness and grabs a protein bar. She takes less breaks than necessary as the hours start to finally blur into one another. More importantly, she’s still able to give her patients inspiring smiles, despite some of the more serious cases and somehow manages a joke or two in keeping their spirits high even as the pacing of lab reports has turned into a withering crawl.

For now, Maci has chosen to remain complacent. But it isn’t the waiting that frustrates her, there is always something else to do before she can catch her breath. But it’s the lack of results. It reflects poorly on her nerves, on herself. Although, she knows it’s not about her – it’s about all the people counting on her, waiting – wondering if the next time they see her will be the last. If it’s good news, or bad news. And she’d sworn to herself after her first month at Edenbrook that she would never let down another patient down again. 

Not if she can help it anyway.

Fighting to remain cool, Maci closes her eyes for a moment and presses a finger to the bridge of her nose. Maybe it’s just the timing; any other day of the week would have been better. But the fact that she’s barely had any time to herself is beginning to finally catch up with her. Already, she can feel the telltale signs of exhaustion creeping up on her. She knows it, her body knows it too – but she’s always been stubborn to a fault when it comes to helping other people.

Shaking her head, Maci checks the watch on her slim wrist. At least she has a good fifteen minutes before she has to be back. Seizing the opportunity, she takes quick strides to find the breakroom. She could at least spend a little time for another cup of coffee.

She pauses for a moment at the entrance, breathing in and out to keep her composure in place before gingerly pushing the doors wide open.

The room is half-empty. There are people scattered within small groups of mostly two or three as her eyes skim her surroundings. She spots two familiar-looking interns in the corner. They’re resting their arms across one of the larger tables with their heads down. She shakes her head ruefully. She’s been there and today certainly is one of those days. But like her co-workers, no matter how tiring the work can be, the fact that people are counting on her – on them; will always push her forward.

Plus with coffee and energy drinks have becoming her vice lately, she’ll be ready to return back to the lab in no time.

Still. She can’t blame them. Even as she stands, shifting on her feet to watch them – the urge to take a nap does entertain her thoughts before she manages to look away. Now isn’t the time to rest.

She should take this time to look over a few reports, at least that would make for a better use of her time. She’s survived on much less in med school. Humming to herself, she bends to grab the protein bar she’s procured from the snack machine with a sigh.

It slips from her fingers.

“Shoot.” Maci mumbles. She must be more tired than she thought. She glances miserably at it; still ridiculously a few feet away and sighs again. Is it worth it?

She doesn’t think she’ll have the strength to stand back up if she goes for it.

It would be a waste of money. Be practical Maci, she snaps at herself. Bracing a hand on the snack machine cautiously, she bends her knees and nearly grits her teeth at the twinges of pain from the abrupt motion. She was definitely going to regret this later.

Before she’s able to reach for it completely, a figure casts a shadow in front of her – obscuring the blasted thing. “Hey!”

A smooth hand grabs it before her.

“Here you go.”

Her stomach does a little flip at the sound of his voice. She hadn’t even heard him come in. Blinking in surprise, Maci straightens herself upright again, before dropping her hands by her sides.

Although there are dark circles under his eyes, Bryce Lahela still manages to somehow look every bit of gorgeous as he usual - which is completely unfair, considering how hard Maci worked at looking presentable today.

Somehow, Bryce makes it look effortless.

He drags a hand through his unruffled hair before he smirks down at her.

Tilting her head slightly, Maci greets him with a smile of her own. Although she fears hers’ look almost as tired as she feels. “My hero.”

While she won’t admit out-loud, there’s a sort of comfort to his touch as he lifts her hand. She relishes the contact for a moment, as his fingers linger on the back of her palm before he drops it into her hands and tucks his own fingers back inside his slacks.

“What can I say? I have a weakness for damsels in distress.”

Maci snorts. “Yeah, so do I – and I’m standing right here looking at one.” She makes a point of jerking her chin in his general direction.

“Touche.” Leaning against the snack machine, he chuckles. “Is that anyway to treat your hero? I did just save you, at least – ”

Her heart skips a beat as his eyes travel down the length of her; although she’s dressed in scrubs it feels as though he’s able to undress every layer, piece by piece. By the time his eyes drift back up again, there’s no hiding the sudden heat in her cheeks.

Nevertheless, she tries to mask it all the same. Coughing, and standing a little straighter as he grins.

“I saved your legs life. It would have been a shame if anything had happened to them.”

Snorting, Maci tears open her protein bar and raises it to him. “My legs and I are eternally grateful for your loyal service.” She replies, tone deadpanned.

“I love it when you talk dirty to me.”

Laughing, Maci tears off a piece and hands it to him. “Your reward.”

“Thank you, my lady,” grinning, he leans forward and Maci watches him curiously as he lowers his lips to make contact with her fingers. He chastely kisses each one before taking the piece of protein bar into his mouth.

Quirking an eyebrow at him, Maci decides two can play at that game. Without missing a beat or dropping eye contact, she slowly licks the side of the rest of it before gracing the tip with her generous mouth. She manages to hide the tiniest bit of a smile at the sound of Bryce catching his breath.

Then slowly, she takes the rest of it into her mouth.

He whistles. “Maci,” his tone was darker, almost husky as he steps further into her orbit. “You know how to give a guy ideas.”

She licks her lips; her stomach fluttering as his eyes followed the motion. “Careful Lahela, ideas can get you into all sorts of trouble.”

“We can get into all sorts of trouble Maci,” His smirk back in full force. “That is, if you’re interested in a little adventure.”

Somehow, she manages to tear her eyes away. She wants to frown at how quickly she almost said it. It occurs to her that as long as Bryce is involved, she’s always wrestling with herself to make a decision.  “As interesting as that sounds,” she begins, “– and believe me, it sounds rather interesting. I can’t.”

“Aren’t you on break right now?”

Chewing on her lower lip, Maci pauses for a moment before answering. As much as the idea of being alone with Bryce thrills her; there’s at least two dozen things waiting for her. Things that should take precedence. “Yes but, not nearly enough time for whatever you’re planning in that head of yours.”

He chuckles good-naturedly. There’s almost no space between them as he crowds her vision. He’s close enough for her to see the light teasing in his eyes and the flecks of gold as they dance with humor. “I could make it work, y’know –  I am nothing if efficient.” Lifting a hand, he traces his fingers along the length of her slender arm, until he’s able to rest it by her hip.

She can’t help but shiver.

“But that isn’t what I meant, at least not this time.” He drops his hand and clears his throat.

“Consider my curiosity piqued,” although she’s curious, her mind has already started to drift. She drops her stare to glance across the room; her thoughts linger on work – thinking about the symptoms of one of her patience that had inconclusive lab results “But I think I should take what little time I have to recuperate in here, before heading back to the lab.”

“The lab is impossibly slow today.” Bryce points out, almost a matter-of-factly. “There’s not enough staff to jungle this many cases. You’re more likely to sit back at your desk while waiting.”

“What’s your point?” She asks, angling her chin.

“My point is – no matter what you do, it’ll take a while and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it.” His eyes are suddenly soft, - too soft Maci thinks as he cups her cheek. “You can’t be everywhere all at once.”

“I –” Maci swallows, hesitates.

“You know I’m right,” The free hand around her waist has began absently running circles against the soft fabric of her pants.

It’s reassuring and distracting.

“I can see it in your eyes – you’re tired. You need a break.” He continues before she’s able to protest, “that doesn’t just include stepping away for a moment.” He eyes her seriously; never wavering from her somewhat droll expression when she glances back at him. “You need to give your brain a break.”

“But –”

“All I’m asking for is ten minutes. Just ten.” He holds his hands up in surrender.

Maci frowns for a moment, mulling over the idea as Bryce wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at her. “Okay,” she says finally after a moment. “Okay, you’re right. I know you’re right.”

“Good.” His smile is wide as he takes her hide and guides her out of the breakroom.

“Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise.”

-

Outside is quiet once Maci’s sneakers hit the pavement. The air is almost at a standstill. No breeze. No light chill in the air. The only thing Maci is aware of is the warm body next to her, and the sound of cars blasting their horns in the distance. She takes a moment to let it all sink in. She can almost forget where she is. Almost.

She closes her eyes for a moment and breathes. The comfort it brings her, allows for her shoulders to relax. Simply breathing has suddenly become more exciting than anything else she’s ever done in her life. “It’s so good to be outside.” She confesses and Bryce laughs.

Eyes fluttering open, she meets his amused stare with a quirk of her eyebrows. “This isn’t even the best part.” He promises, entwinning their fingers together again.

This time, without momentum keeping them going Maci stares at their joined hands for a moment before staring up at him. “Really? So, this isn’t really a ploy to get me all alone?” Maci can’t help but tease him. It’s the staple of their friendship. She has to tease him at any chance she gets.

Bryce gives her once-over hot enough for Maci’s throat to suddenly go dry. “Don’t tempt me.”

Her feet stumble uncharacteristically with one another and within almost an instant, he untangles their fingers to grip her by the waist.

Avoiding eye contact, Maci stiffens. “…There was a twig,” she grumbles.

“Sure, there was.”

“Really, there was.” She insists, jerking her chin up to stare defiantly at him.

His lips twitch. Shaking his head, Bryce leads her further along a path and further away from the Edenbrook building.

“Aren’t you going to tell me where we’re going?” She frowns faintly, watching pensively as the hospital building grows further and further away.

“It wouldn’t be much of a surprise if I told you, would it?” Bryce glances at her from the corner of his eyes. “Don’t worry,” he tries to sound reassuring, “we won’t be going far.”

There’s a wrinkle in her brows. “In case you haven’t noticed – I’m quite averse to surprises.”

“I did. Notice it, I mean.” He shrugs, “live a little Maci. It’s never stopped me before. Besides, where’s your sense of adventure?”

“In bed, where I left it – after having a cup of morning coffee.”

Maybe he doesn’t get it. Maybe he doesn’t get what it’s like to constantly plan ahead. To worry about the fine details when they were there and even when they weren’t. Every decision she’s ever made had to be measured, had to mean something. She’s never had the luxury to simply go with the flow, and doing so right now – it’s extremely out of her element. Still, she somehow has always managed to relax around Bryce. She forgets momentarily about all the plans she still has yet to accomplish within her lifetime. She forgets because having Bryce around her senses, simply demands her utmost attention.

“Do trust me, Maci?” His voice had gone almost eerily quiet; piquing her interest. It’s quiet enough for her to think she’s imagining it.

Although her eyes meet his suddenly somber expression – something inside her chest tightens and twists at the sight. What game is he playing?

She’s left wondering if they’re still playing the same game anymore. The game that has only worked as long they both are playing; as long as they both don’t care.

Frowning, Maci tugs her hand out of his grip. Trust isn’t easy for her. It has never been. It’s something people earn – not freely given to just anyone. And yet, somewhere inside her heart she realizes with some dismay; she does indeed find it easy to trust him. At least, she trusts him enough not to take her to some abandoned place and hurt her.

“I think I do,” her lips turn her frown into a smirk. “Why else would I be out with you right now if I hadn’t?”

Bryce’s eyebrows quirk mockingly as the serious question dies inside his dark eyes. “You’ve completely deduced I’m not a serial killer, then? Leading you to your doom?”

“Serial killers may be charming, but you’re not conniving enough to pull that off.” Maci snorts, responding nearly instantly.

“Ouch.” He pretends to clutch his chest. “You’re forgetting handsome.”

“You should let other people tell you that.” Playfully, she bumps his shoulder. “Besides, serial killers can be handsome.”

“But I’m too handsome, Maci.” He replies, insistently. “That’s my point. I’d be more suited at something where I get to show myself off at every given opportunity.”

Shaking her head ruefully, she laughs. “Maybe you missed your true calling. But subjectively speaking, I trust you enough not to suddenly knock me over the head and drag me off to some abandoned factory or something.”

“I’m flattered.” He grins, “and I’m starting to think you watch too many crime dramas on Netflix.”

Laughing, Maci shakes her head. “I can’t help it, what else is a girl to do on Saturday nights?” Without thinking, she takes his hand as he guides her across the street.

“Gee, I don’t know. What do twenty-something year olds do on a weekend?” His tone is completely deadpanned. “Go out.”

“I do. Sometimes.”

“With friends.”

“With friends.” She repeats, firmly.

“Good, but it doesn’t hurt to mix things up.”

She pauses in mid-step, watching him from out of the corner of her eyes as soon as she asks “By doing what?”

“By going out, with me.”

Maci almost trips again, but catches herself at the last moment. He’s surprised by how serious he sounds and stops to glance up, blinking at him.

He’s stopped too. He doesn’t look the least bit worried she’ll say anything except yes. The nerve of how confident he is. It’s undeniably sexy.

“Is that what this is all about?” She asks cautiously, “whisking me away on my break to ask me out?” She snickers, “that’s as close as courting as I’ve ever gotten.”

Bryce shrugs, “Like I said, you look like you could use a break, and a distraction. I’m good at being a distraction.” Before the light on the sidewalk can change, he drops her hand and places a reassuring hand on her lower back. Together, they cross the street with only seconds to spare.

She stops short, scrutinizing her surroundings. It takes Maci a moment to realize they’ve almost walked half of Edenbrook’s neighborhood.

“Sometimes, all we need is a moment anyway. Just enough time to catch our breath and clear our head.” He stops her – several feet in front of the building; eyes lingering on her face as she shifts from one foot and then the other. “I think it’s really important in our job to do it. We don’t want to burn out. It’s worth it just to escape our own headspace for a while.”

“Thank you,” Maci smiles up at him. “I didn’t realize how much I needed a moment to myself until now.” Truthfully, she’s felt more refreshed with a such short walk under his arm than she’s had in ages. It isn’t like her to do this, and while she doesn’t want to make a habit of it, she appreciates the sentiment. “I didn’t expect it to help, but it did.”

“You’re welcome.” Bryce inclines his head at her, then glances at his watch. “We’re out of time, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested in seeing you, just you. No movies with a few of our friends, as a social buffer. No house parties. Just you and me.”

There’s a second when Maci swears, she sees something flash inside Bryce’s dark eyes. A clash of uncertainty – maybe even vulnerability that she hadn’t thought him capable of. But less than a second later, it’s gone and Bryce is as cool as the evening surrounding them, making her second-guess she’d seen anything else in the first place.

He offers her a disarming smile, while she’s still in the midst of getting her bearings together.

Does she want that? Something greater than an hour of simply forgetting the rest of the world? She remembers the last time they were out watching a movie with their friends. The words she’d told him still rang true. “We’re both doctors Bryce, most of the time our lives aren’t our own. They’re for other people.”

“And?”

Does he really not see it? “Anddd, we barely have enough time to get to know each other as it is.”

“Wouldn’t going out together rectify that situation?”

Maci purses her lips.

“I know what I want Maci. I’ve always been a man that goes for the plunge without much of a second thought. Given how that’s worked out for me, I honestly don’t get why more people don’t. So, I’m asking you, despite the fact that we work long shifts at work, despite never having enough hours in the day for anything else – what do you want?” He’s close enough for her to smell the lingering scent of his body wash. “Because I want you.”

Her next breath comes out short and Maci quickly tries to mask it with a cough as she glances away. It’s a tempting offer. Picturing Bryce alone is almost too much of an offer to pass up. But is she ready to blur the lines between friendship? Is ready to see where friends with benefits could lead?

When she looks back at him, he’s nearly removed the distance between them entirely. His free hand cups her cheek, compelling her to keep her gaze locked on him and not the non-existent speck of dirt on his shirt. “I know you want to,” his voice is teasing but there’s an edge to it too – as though he’s afraid.

Could he be afraid?

But as Maci searches his eyes, it’s his quiet strength that stares at her back. His confidence that sears all the way through. More than anything, he radiates the kind of energy that Maci inwardly loves being around. Yet he’s completely convinced himself she won’t say anything but yes, and Maci’s hackles rise almost immediately at the thought.

Maybe she was wrong.

Maybe they are still playing games, still twisting strings that aren’t attached.

Very deliberately, she leans intimately into him until there’s nothing left to stand between them. It’s only his breath by her cheek and her eyes glued to his lips that keeps them in this moment, frozen in time – each daring the other to make the first move.

She feels his hand by her cheek tighten ever so slightly as she captures his lips. The kiss is slow, languid – like they’ve got all the time in the world to figure out each other. It builds something inside her chest as heat spreads throughout her body. She runs her tongue against the curve of his lips and further when he slides them apart and kisses her in return.

For a moment the world ceases to exist. It falls around them, fading into the background noise the city has always represented as his arms encase her. She feels how much he wants her as their lips meet again. There’s a moan that leaves his lips and in every second their lips devour each other; their kisses grow more intense. More frenzied.

Yet, just as quickly as it began, it ends as she manages to tear herself away with a slight yank.

For a split second, she fights for her breath and he does the same.

Without a word, Bryce reaches for her but Maci sidesteps his embrace.

She keeps a somewhat, lackadaisical expression long enough to lean again into him. Her breath caresses his ear with a soft whisper, “I’ll think about it, Lahela.” She presses a kiss there before stepping back.

His heated stare makes the next time she swallows, harder. Heart hammering inside her chest and without a backward glance, Maci swiftly hurries back inside the safety of the hospital; all the while aware of his eyes on her retreating figure.

-

tags: @cora-nova

[salexectrian-heir]

Loki: Chapter 9

Pairing: Solavellan Rating: E* (not every chapter is E, most are rated T. Chapters containing explicit content will be marked with an asterisk*) Summary: Lavellan rescued a mischievious sphynx kitten outside her work who loves her dearly. But his destructive habits start to get out of hand when he steals her attractive neighbor’s underwear… repeatedly. [Previous Chapter]      [Read on AO3]

“Honestly, I think you should quit your job and be a chef, or one of those stay at home hipster-food bloggers that instagrams all their meals and gets sponsored by food industry monopolies.”

This earned her one of those rare and coveted chuckle-snorts she had grown attached to. She peered at him from over her shoulder where she stood in front of his kitchen sink, cleaning up the dishes of their--once again brilliant--grilled shrimp taco dinner. It had been over two weeks, since they had their first formal dinner together, since they slept together. A make-up of sorts for missing out on celebrating the new year. Naturally, the E.R. was filled with those who had made not so wise choices, blown off parts of their bodies with fireworks they should not have been setting off...and thus Anise was other was preoccupied. Solas had agreed to feed Loki for her while she was called away. So at least that spoiled brat got a new year’s kiss. Her heart fluttered when he met her gaze, lips pulling into a smirk where he sat lounging on his couch.

“There is only one problem,” he said, pouring them each another glass of wine from a fresh bottle. They had already killed one during dinner. “I don’t have an instagram.”

She shifted her weight and placed a hand on her hip. “Then how do you post all your mundane life updates?”

“Facebook?” He shrugged as she let out a mocking hiss of disapproval, “I don’t use it that often. Not much occurs in my life that demands a social media update.”

“Well, you should friend request me anyway so I can post random updates on your wall for you.”

Another tipsy chuckle and a smile that reached his eyes. “I’m sure you would.”

Dropping the towel she had been using to dry the counter, she made her way over to settle on the couch beside him. She swiped her glass from his extended hand and tucked her feet beneath her.

“What you don’t want to be connected?” she teased as he glanced down at his wine. “Are you still friends with an ex that would stalk me or something?”

His whole body went still.

“I was joking,” she playfully shoved him with her foot, and it brought a small smile back on his face.

“Joking as it were, you are...not entirely wrong.”

She stared at him expectantly. “Go on.”

“It’s complicated.”

He made to stand but she caught him by the elbow. He send a sideways glance towards her, a hint of apprehension in his eyes behind the mirth.

“Oh no, you don’t get out of that so easily.”

He sighed and brought his fingers to steeple over his flushed face. “My life revolves around my work."

“I know."

“Literally. My social circle, including my previous romantic relationships…” He straightened, his hands knotting together in his lap. “One more reason I was hesitant to get involved with you. I do not want to subject you, or anyone, to the chaos that is my life. My last relationship was a mistake. One I never should have made.”

“As they often are.”

“But because we work together... “ he exhaled sharply, “that’s not accurate. Because I work for her, I am still in frequent contact. It’s a bit a of a mess.”

She choked on her wine. “ You’ve slept with your boss, too ?”

Surprise rippled over his face at her outburst. “What?”

“Oh we’ll delve into my romantic disaster history in a minute. Please continue, you have a lot to unpack here.” She smiled behind her glass of wine, and nudged him again with her foot. “Go on, I want to hear this story.”

“Oh, no I would love to hear anything you have to say this point,” he turned to face her, tucking one leg beneath him, mirroring her position, “because what I’m about to say next will make everything worse.”

She opened her mouth and closed it again. She decided putting wine in it was the best course of action and so she drained her glass. “Nope, you gotta finish embarrassing yourself first. Then I’ll layout my baggage.”

“I warned you,” his mouth split into a chagrined smile as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “I got involved with the Chief Operating Officer.”

Anise gasped and immediately clasped a hand over her mouth, “The C.O.O.? Solas!”

“I was young and stupid and it lasted far longer than it should have. And of course, like all things doomed to fail, it got out. Her husband found out--”

“ Her husband!?”

“The CEO.”

“You’re playing with me right now.”

“No, I am being honest.” The humor left his voice. “It’ not even a subject we should be laughing over… but…” He drug a hand over his face, wiping  away the fragment of a smile from the moment before. “For once I am able to talk about it without hating myself, so that must count for something.”

Anise said aside her empty wine glass and scooted closer to him on the couch.

“Sorry I pried. I didn’t mean to open up things better left--”

“It’s okay. I should talk about these things.” He allowed her to take his hand in her own. “The point was that we are all connected on social media as well. I would like to just keep this new part of my life, my life with you , private. Something I don’t have to share with the world that demands every second of my existence.”

“Is this why you choose to live here, and commute to Arlathan?”

He nodded. “Obviously there were repercussions for our actions. I was demoted. She was suspended from her position. And that caused a lot of unrest in the company. She was admired by many. I was blamed for her downfall. And in a way, I am directly responsible.”

“What were you before a rep?”

“I worked in the labs. It’s where my true talent lies.” He shrugged. “But my clearances have been revoked and I was repurposed, as was she. Apparently we were still valuable enough to the company to be tethered and leashed for the last five years. Or perhaps it is a punishment.”

“Why don’t you just quit?” When he didn’t say anything she felt the need to add, “I’m being serious, Solas. If they’re treating you this badly, and it makes you this unhappy, walk away .”

“Could you walk away from your job after a major mistake knowing you might be able to fix , or make a difference?

Her heart dropped into her stomach. “No. I couldn’t.”

“Yes, the company itself is corrupt but the medicine they create saves lives. I used to be a part of that process.” He squeezed her hand. “I created this mess. My pride won’t just let me walk away from it.”

He may be a stubborn fool, but now he’s my stubborn fool.

“I want you to know that I’ll support you--no matter what you stubbornly choose to do.”

“You may regret that.”

A brief moment of silence enveloped them, each lost in their own thoughts.

“I also, have made some… less than wise decisions. And that is saying it nicely.” His thumb began idly tracing designs on the back of her hand as she spoke, and it gave her courage.

Here goes nothing.

She took a deep breath. “I was engaged, once.”

He sat up a little straighter, giving her his full attention. “You were?”

“Yeah,” with her free hand she tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear, “clearly didn’t end well.”

“Otherwise we wouldn’t be here.”

They shared a quiet laugh. “Hah, exactly.”

“Was it to your boss…?”

“Oh creators, no.” she shook her head vehemently. “A man from my clan. Arranged marriage type thing.” He stared at her sympathetically. “We wanted to start a family... but I…. we had a falling out and he cheated, I didn’t handle it well, I decided to go to med school instead, something that would take a long time and basically give me an excuse to never go home and...”

Face reality. Face the loss of a child, of a family. Too much, too painful. Change the subject, this is one for another time.

“The boss story though, that was more recent.” She changed the subject, adjusting her legs so she was sitting cross legged.  “ I got involved with one of the attendings when I was just starting out as an intern. Not my brightest moment. It was messy, and I quickly realized he was entangled with many other people, and not just me. It was a shock but once I figured it out I ended my part in it.”

If he noticed the abrupt topic switch, he made no comment. “Which attending did you sleep with?”

She cocked her head to the side. “Do you think you know him?”

“I might,” he gave a small smile.

“Anders is a remarkable doctor. I swear the entirety of his personal life puts your sleeping with your boss story to shame.”

That made Solas laugh, a real one this time. “I do know him.”

Anise blanched. “Oh, gods.”

Solas’ mouth curved into a teasing smile as one brow arched. “I’m surprised to hear the hospital staff fraternize so… frequently.”

“We’re not supposed to, but when you spend a sixteen hour high stress shift literally inside someone together...well…” she gestured with her free hand. “It happens. It’s a cesspool honestly. Every week I’m trying to figure out who’s sleeping with who so I don’t step on toes or accidentally out a relationship. It’s tiring.”

“I can imagine. No wonder you always look so wiped when you come home, avoiding all those bleeding hearts.” He leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. “Admirable.”

She shoved him with her shoulder, a blush beginning to color her cheeks. “Stop.”

Leaning his elbow on the back of the couch, he propped his head up with his hand. “I just divulged a secret that would have sent any sensible person running from my apartment. And yet, you’re still here.”

“I pretend to have my life together, but it’s a mess.” A soft smile formed on her lips. “And yet you keep inviting me back.”

He gave a small shake of his head before he reached for her face, cupping her jaw in the palm of his hand as he leaned towards her. “As is mine, and yet you keep staying.”

His lips brushed her own.  She unfurled her limbs and slid her arms around his neck, pulling him gently down over her on the couch. He shifted to lay between her legs that wrapped around his hips once he had settled.

Pressing her mouth to his she whispered, “I never claimed to be sensible.” His tongue darted between her lips, coaxing a moan from her. “I don’t plan on starting to be now, either.”

[lil-bita-everything]

What were you thinking? (Part 2)

•••Where Sonny and his partner Rowan get themselves into a situation while on the job and Rowan puts herself in danger much to Sonny’s dismay•••

———————————————

I came to after backing out from the adrenaline to people rushing into the apartment. I felt someone tugging at my vest and tried sitting up to see who it was but I got pushed down my a hand on my shoulder. It hurt and I groaned in pain.

“It’s okay doll, it’s okay. It- it didn’t go through. Only grazed your shoulder.” I heard Carisi say. He was fumbling as fast as he could to get my vest off my to check where I got shot. I heard him shout that he needed a bus then I felt him pick me up.

“Rowan? Row? Stay with me now okay? We’re gonna get you to the hospital okay?” Carisi was carrying me downstairs to meet the ambulance as fast as he could. I had one arm, my good arm, around his neck. It was still hard for me to breathe. I groaned as I moved the arm the had an injured shoulder. I moved my hand up to my shoulder and pulled it away to see blood. It felt like the bullet more than grazed it.

Finally, Carisi got outside and I was put on a gurney. I heard a bunch of people saying stuff around me and I saw all the lights and different teams that were called in on the street. Suddenly I was inside the ambulance and the medics were moving quickly all around me. I had an oxygen mask on and I felt someone hold my hand. I turned my neck and saw Sonny smiling at me. He was saying something but I was tired and closed my eyes.

The next time I woke up I was in the hospital. I looked around and didn’t see anyone in my room so I hit my call button. Soon a nurse came in.

“Detective Becker, nice to see you awake. Do you remember what happened?” The kind nurse asked.

“I was talking to- to a suspect. He was holding a hostage at gunpoint. I was with my partner.... Sonny. Oh my god! Where is he?! Where’s Sonny?! Is-is he okay?!” I asked starting to try to get out of my hospital bed.

“Detective! Detective! It’s okay everyone is okay! You got shot. Twice. One bullet hit your vest towards the left side which made it hard for you to breathe and the other bullet severely grazed your left shoulder. It required a couple stitches just to be sure and it’s going to be sore for awhile. Your Lieutenant made your partner go home to change because your blood was covering his shirt.” The nurse said trying to get me settled back in bed.

I suddenly made the realization of my left shoulder being patched up and in a sling. I also felt the tightness of the bandage wrapped around my torso from being shot in the vest at almost point blank range.

“When can I go home?” I asked the nurse who was now checking things on my chart.

“Well we would like to keep you overnight to keep you on oxygen but if you would like you can sign yourself out and go home now. Your lieutenant is in the waiting room if you’d like me to get her.” The nurse said smiling. She was really nice and made being in a hospital better. I absolutely hated hospitals.

“Could you please? And also get whatever papers I need to sign to be discharged as well?” I asked hopefully.

“No problem. Right away detective.” The nurse said taking my charts and walking out of the room.

I started to sit up and tried to see if I could find any of my clothes but had no luck. I swung my legs over the side of the bed as a different nurse came in and took the IV out of my arm and turned the oxygen off and put it away and gave me my discharge papers to sign. As she was leaving with the papers, two people walked into my room and I started smiling.

“Already starting your case that fast Raf?” I asked the ADA who was following Liv into my room.

“No actually. I got a call that my best friend was shot twice and I decided to make sure she was okay. I also brought you some clothes because I figured you’d be leaving tonight.” He said holding up what looked like a black T-shirt and gray sweatpants.

“Well whatever you brought me to wear looks way better than one of your colorful suits I can say that much.” I said laughing.

When I first started working at SVU I had just moved from Living in Chicago and working at the intelligence unit there. I had worked with the SVU squad before and when I needed to leave Chicago I asked Liv if it’d be possible for me to transfer into her department. Somehow the ADA for Special Victims Unit and I got along well when I first started making fun of his suits and would tease him talking him how the didn’t match and we hit it off. He was somewhat like a father figure to me and he was always there for me since I didn’t get along with the ADA in Chicago very well, getting along with Barbs was nice. We’ve been friend ever since then.

“The nurse said you’re discharging yourself. Are you sure you want to leave? I mean you’re more than welcome to stay with me and Noah tonight if you’d like-“ Liv was interrupted by Barba saying “or me”

“Guys. I promise I’m fine. Right now I’d just like to try and get dressed so I can leave. Liv would you mind helping me though? I’m not sure how much movement I’m gonna get out of this shoulder right now.” I asked her with a pleading look.

“Of course. Rafa do you mind giving us a sec?” Liv asked him.

“No problem. I’ll go get the car and pull it around to the front.” Raf said handing Liv the clothes he brought me and leaving the room.

Liv started to help me get the hospital gown off and get the T-shirt and sweatpants on. As she was helping me she started talking.

“You know. Carisi told me what you said in the apartment with Mark. What you said so he would let you stay and let Carisi leave. I-“

“No offense Liv-“ I cut her off. “But I’m saying this to you as my friend and not my lieutenant, we both know that Carisi is already gonna bitch me out for what I said in that apartment. I’d rather only hear it all once.” I told her as she helped me put the sling back on.

“No problem. And you’re right. It took absolutely everything to actually get him to leave.” Liv said.

—————••••••••••—————••••••••••—————

After Liv and Barba dropped me off at my apartment with strict instructions to call if I needed anything and to not forget to take my meds. I finally took the pain meds for my shoulder and threw the bottle away with the rest of the pills for personal reasons. Afterwards, I sat down on my couch and turned on the tv.

In a couple minutes, I heard a key rattling in the lock of my door. I started to mentally prepare myself for what I knew was coming as soon as the person I knew was behind the door came in.

The door opened and in walked Sonny Carisi. He had no expression on his face as he took off his shoes and locked my door. He had a bag from our favorite Italian place. He walked into my kitchen and dropped the bag off. I heard his footsteps walk back towards my living room and he stood in the doorway pulling his “detective stance.” One hip pushed out, his hand on that hip. It didn’t have much affect when he’s wearing a sweatshirt and jeans with no gel in his hair compared to when he did it at work in his full nice suit and gelled hair. I was waiting for him to speak still.

I watched as he opened and closed his mouth. Dragged his hands over his face and stared at me.

“What in the hell were you thinking?!” He said with his voice slightly raised. There it was. I looked at him. He had his hands raised in questioning.

“Listen Sonny...” I started to say but he cut me off.

“No Rowan. I’m not gonna listen. Because the things you said in that apartment earlier bother me still! You completely lied to Mark, you switched our life stories just so he would keep you in that apartment with a gun pointed at you instead of me! You said no one would care about someone like me when you have me your life story! Is that how you really feel Rowan?! Do you really think that no one would care if you got killed?! Is that really how you think?! That’s stupid! Rowan do you realize how many people would miss you? Liv and Amanda? You’re their kids’ aunt and Fin? He calls you kid everyday and you always tease him back and when you aren’t at work his mood changes because you’re not there for him to call kid! And Barba? Have you ever even thought about what would happen to Barba if you died? He wouldn’t make it! He’d blame himself somehow! You’re his best friend!” Sonny just progressively got louder as he spoke. I’ve never seen him like this.

“Listen Sonny I-“ I tried to cut in but he kept going. When he started talking he was calm.

“No Rowan. Did you even for a second think how I would feel if you died? Did it cross your mind for one second before you said what you did? I would care the most Row. We’re best friends. You’re the best partner I’ve ever had. Since the day you walked into the precinct we hit it off. We’ve told each other things we haven’t told anyone else. We trust each other and we always have each other’s backs. I wouldn’t make it if you died Row. I would probably end up quitting being a cop and finally put all those late nights at law school to good use. You know the late nights where you helped me study for my bar exam? I can’t live without you Rowan. I love you.” Sonny stayed finally.

I started crying in the middle of his rant and got up and hugged him. I saw some tears in his eyes too.

“I’m sorry Sonny. I really am. I didn’t think.” I sobbed out.

“It’s okay doll. It’s okay.” He said carefully placing his arms around me to not hurt my shoulder.

“Please just never so it again.” He said kissing the top of my head.

“I won’t.” I promised him.

After we quit hugging. Sonny told me to sit in the kitchen with him while he heated up dinner. After we ate we sat on the couch and watched a movie. We fell asleep cuddling with each other and I realized how much I really am loved.

—————————————-———————————

I’m so sorry that this is so long. I didn’t mean to do that but let me know how you like it and if you’d like me to write more

[cryptidhunter461]

Bucky Barnes smut

I was bored so I wrote this, first one. I want honest criticism. If you want one, I may do it, if I know the character.

Warning: smut, pretty much all smut

Enjoy!!!

My head is pounding. Why is it so bright? I open my eyes, instantly regretting my decision. I groaned as I sat up in my bed, rubbing my head. I looked around my room, confused on how I had gotten to my room.

What happened last night? The memory of what happened yesterday all came rushing back to me, making me tear up again.

I had gone over to see my boyfriend, Kevin, to surprise him since he had gotten a promotion at his job. When I got there, I could hear sounds coming from his bedroom. I went to check it out. I wish i could erase what I saw, but it was burned into my mind. He was fucking his next door neighbor.

I surprised him. We got into a huge fight, Kevin trying to somehow blame me for his cheating, and I stormed out, ending it with him. I was so upset that I started drinking when I got home. I blacked out sometime after that, not sure what happened.

I sigh as I get up from my bed and wander into my kitchen, wanting some water and some pain meds. I froze at the entrance of my living room, seeing a figure on my couch.

My best friend, Bucky Barnes, was fast asleep on my couch. I was really confused on how and why he was here. Last time we talked, he was still on a mission with the Avengers and wasn’t going to be back for another few days.

I walk closer to him and study him for a few moments. I will admit, Bucky was very good looking: dark brown hair that went to right above his shoulders, light blue eyes, really nice body. He was also sweet and a really good friend. I was also intrigued by his arm, that is actually how we met.

I work in this coffee shop that is close to the Avengers headquarters. I had worked there for years but never really met any of the Avengers except for Stark’s assistant who would get coffee for them.

One day, I had saw Bucky sitting in the corner, just keeping to himself. I had thought he was really hot and was intrigued by this man. I got up the courage and went over to talk to him. His blue eyes nearly stopped my heart when he had looked at me.

I then noticed his arm and I started to nerd out about it. I thought it was really cool, which seemed to surprise him. He then started coming in almost everyday to talk with me. He told me about his past while I taught him about now a days, history, movies, music. We became quick friends. He even introduced to the other Avengers.

I then met Kevin. He was a sweet guy and seemed to really like me. Yes, I was crazy about Bucky, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t care about me that way so I went out with him, which now I regret.

“Hey, Y/N, you’re awake.” I snapped out of my thoughts and noticed that Bucky was awake. I smile at him.

“Yeah, woke up just a little bit ago. Why are you here?” I ask. Bucky sits up as I sit next to him. He chuckles as he runs a hand through his hair.

“Apparently, you don’t remember. I called you, saying our mission got done early, but you were balling on the phone, so I came over. You were shit faced drunk when I got here, mumbling something about Kevin. I held you till you passed out. I then carried you to your room. I figured I would stay to make sure you were doing ok.” I sigh and run my hand through my hair.

“Kevin cheated on me.” I say. Bucky didn’t say anything. He just scooted closer to me and held me.

“He was an ass for doing that.” I sigh and stand up, pulling away from him.

“Apparently, most guys are. Why is it that the last three guys all cheated on me? Am I really that bad of a person?” I start tearing up. Bucky stands in front of me, grabbing my arms.

“Y/N, you are not a bad person! All those guys are idiots for not realizing how beautiful and amazing and sweet you are and for letting you get away.” My eyes widen at Bucky’s words.

I will admit, my feelings never went away for my best friend, even growing stronger, but I didn’t push it. If he didn’t feel the same way about me, I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.

“Thanks, Bucky. I wish I could find an amazing guy like you.” I smile at him. I noticed a look go through his eyes, but I couldn’t figure what it was. One of his hands lets go of my arm and he wipes the tears from my cheek. I close my eyes and lean into his touch, always finding comfort in his touch.

“Y/N...” I look up at Bucky. He looks like he is fighting with himself. Before I can say anything, Bucky’s lips were on mine. My eyes widen and I froze, more from surprised then anything else.

Before I could react, Bucky quickly pulled away, letting me go and turning away from me. I stood there, now in even more shocked, and missing his presence. I reach up and touch my lips

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I shouldn’t have done that. Pretend that didn’t happen. I’ll just-”

“Do it again.” He quickly turns around, eyes widen looking at me.

“What?”

“Do it again.” This time, he didn’t hesitate. He quickly rushed back over to me, grabbed my face, and kissed me. I instantly kissed backed, my hands grabbing his shirt.

This was the best kiss I have ever had. The way his lips seen to mold to mine, the sparks that spread from my body, the heat from his hand and the chill from his metal hand were sending shivers up and down my spine.

His metal hand move from my face to my waist, pulling me closer to him. My hands move up to his hair, my hands tangling in it. He groaned and the kissed turned more passionate. I tugged on his hair again, wanting to hear him groan again.

He grabs my hips, picking me up. This makes me gasp, which allows him to slip his tongue past my lips. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he walked me somewhere. Our tongues dance together, which feels so good that I let out a small moan.

“Damn, doll. You’re going to kill me.” He says after he pulls away from my lips. He sets me down on my kitchen counter as he starts kissing and biting my neck.

“Bucky.” I moan out, loving the feeling of his lips on me.

“You have no idea how long I have wanted to do this.” He tells me. He looks at me, asking me with his eyes.

“Then why are you still waiting?” He smirks as he reaches down and slips my shirt off. Apparently, I changed my clothes last night, which meant I didn’t have a bra on either.

“You are beautiful, doll.” I feel a blush cross my cheeks. I reach for his shirt and tug at it. He smirks and slips it off. My eyes widen when I see the scar where his metal arm is connected. I reach forward, touching it. I hear him gasp which makes me look at him, making sure I wasn’t hurting him.

I then leaned forward and kiss his chest. He groans again which turns me on even more. I reach forward and start undoing his pants, realizing how much I needed Bucky. After I get them off, Bucky gently grabs my chin and pulls my lips back to his.

His hands reach up to my chest. I moan as he massages my chest. He then kisses down my neck, to my chest. He gently pushes me to lay back on the counter. He sucks on my left breast, which sends so much pleasure through my body.

I gasp when I feel Bucky’s metal hand start rubbing my clit. I didn’t even realize he had slipped my shorts off. He smirks as he starts to kiss lower.

When his tongue hits my clit, I gasp and my backs arches off the counter. He uses his metal hand to hold me down, so I can’t move from him as he devours me.

He was so good with his tongue, that i became a moaning mess. I reached down and grabbed on his hair, pulling slightly. This made him groan, which the vibrations sent pleasure through me.

The knot in my stomach was getting tighter the more Bucky did to me. I was so close and the only word I could seem to form was his name. Right when I was about to burst, he stopped, which made me whine. He chuckles.

“I want to be inside you when you come.” I look up at him, seeing the lust in his eyes.

“Then fuck me already, Bucky.” He growls as he pulls me closer to the edge of the counter. He slips his boxers off as I sit up, using my elbows to hold me up. Seeing his dick made my eyes widen. He was big, bigger then anyone I have ever had.

“Ready?” I look up at Bucky and nod my head. He grabs his member, aligning himself with my entrance. He then thrust himself all the way in. I gasp at the feeling of being full. Bucky groans as he grabs my hips. “You feel so good, doll.”

“Move.” I didn’t have to tell him twice. He pulled almost all the way out, then slammed back into me, making me moan loud. He kept doing this over and over again.

I sit up a little more, wrapping my arms around his neck. He groans and kisses me hard, our tongues playing with each other. I moan into the kiss as he picks up speeds, hitting that magic spot inside me over and over again. He pulls away from me, laying his head on my shoulder.

“You are so tight, doll.” He uses his metal hand to reach between us, rubbing my clit, fast.

“Oh god, James, I’m close.” I moan out loud. Apparently, he liked me saying his actual name because he picked up speed and fucked me harder.

“Cum for me, Y/N.” And that was all it took. I screamed his name, having one of the strongest orgasms I have ever had. I’m pretty sure I blacked out for a couple seconds. Bucky followed soon after, shooting his cum into me.

We stayed there, panting, still joined together. I was so happy about this, but when my brain started to work again, it started having second thoughts. What does this mean for us? I decided to be honest with him, seeing as we did just fuck.

“I have had a crush on you since the moment we met.” Bucky looks up at me, eyes widen. “I look forward to you coming by the coffee shop every day. You were the best part of my day. I loved learning new things about you and teaching you new things. I was scared though, that you didn’t feel the same about me, which is why I started dating Kevin. My feelings for you still grew though.” Bucky stares at me for a few moments, before getting one of the biggest smiles I have ever seen. He leans in and kisses me again. This kiss was short but showed me he felt the same.

“I wanted to ask you out for so long. You made me feel somewhat normal again and it killed me when you started dating him. You are now mine.” I smile.

“I like the sound of that.” He finally pulls out of me, but I noticed he was getting hard again. “Round two?” I ask.

“I don’t think we’re leaving your apartment all day.” He says, as he picks me up and carries me to my room, where we did spent the next couple hours making up for lost time.

[artoutforblood]

I love ur LL kids au it's so flipping adorable but.. how did they end up in space?? Wat or who brought them there?? I really want to know cause... wat if they come back for them?

“Y/N.”

Your name came over the intercoms in the front deck of the Lost Light. It was only you and Ultra Magnus at the helm. You pressed a button on the console and answered.

“Yeah, Rodimus?”

For a second there was only static and silence.

“We need you over here. Now.”

Two hours ago, the Lost Light intercepted a SOS signal froman asteroid belt. That of itself is not so strange, sometimes ships get trapped in them and sometimes their ships get too beat up to move. It’s not the first time the L.L. made a stop like this.

The Lost Light followed the signal and eventually came upon the shuttle. It was small, about the right size for an average organic, but also…

“Is that an escape shuttle?” Rodimus wondered.

It certainly looked too small to be anything else. Drift came to his side, peering out of the window, you on Rodimus��s other side. The shuttle didn’t look like a human spacecraft. The only clue to it’s origins were some hieroglyphs on it’s side, even if it didn’t look like a meteor scratched the hell out of it they didn’t look like anything from the human language toyou.

The whole thing was dinged up pretty good. The round windows were dark, but light weakly flickered inside once in a while.

“The powers out.” You said. “Maybe the meteors hit something.”

Ultra Magnus hummed from behind you. “It seems too convenient. It could be a trap.”

“Or, it could actually be people in danger, Magnus.” Rodimus replied, hands on his hips. “Isay Drift and I take a look. We’ll mass shift.”

Drift pulled away from the window. “It sounds like a plan.”

Something didn’t sit right in your stomach. Something moved by the window, but it was too fast and dark to tell what. “You won’t takeanyone else? Not a minicon?” You turned away, catching them by the door. “Or Icould go.”

Drift shook his head. “If there is something dangerous in there, we’d feel better if you’re here.”

“Besides, there might not even be oxygen in there!” Rodimus opened the door, waving goodbye with a confident smile. “You stay here. But if we do need you, you know we’ll call.”

You were pouting. You knew you were pouting. But he wiggled his fingers and left the room with Drift right behind him.

That was thirty minutes ago.

You activated the space suit Brainstorm had made for you. It was armored and armed and, more importantly, allowed you to go into space without dying.

Ultra Magnus decided to stay at the helm, in case something went wrong, and the med staff was on standby. Skids saw you off the L.L. and was connected to you by comlink if you needed to retreat.

But you couldn’t ignore the pit that was burrowing in your stomach.

You flew through space, your jetpack moving you gently along until you reached the shuttle. At least the air pressurized door was working. You entered a dim, red lit chamber and was surprised when the room pressurized and a scratchy, static filled alien voice spoke something over the speaker. Your visor soon translated it for you.

“It is now safe to enter the shuttle. Oxygen levels – Safe.”

In the corner of your visor you saw that the air was breathable, which was good. Especially if something happened to your suit. It also cleared any suspicion of this being a human spaceship.

You walked forward and clicked a button next to the door, but nothing happened. You sighed and wedged your fingers in between the doorand the wall, finding grooves where your friends must’ve done the same thing. You took a deep breath and pulled. With a little resistance, the door slidopen. You made a mental note to thank Brainstorm for all the extras the suitgave you before entering the shuttle proper.

It was dark, dusty, barren and something straight out of ahorror game. Fear gripped your heart when you turned on your headlight. Swallowing it down, you forced the door closed behind you and stepped inside.

“Rodimus?” You said over your comlink. “Drift? I’m inside the shuttle.”

You saw movement in the corner of your eyes and turned around to see a giant hulking thing approaching you. You shrieked, firing up your weapons system before, to your extreme embarrassment, you saw that it was only Drift.

He had his hands up, brows pinching. “Y/N, I’m sorry, did I scare you?”

You huffed, putting away the thirty kinds of weapons Brainstorm had installed. “No, I just thought I saw a Xenomorph – Yes, you scared me!” You felt a headache coming on. “Please, don’t do that again. I might’ve electrocuted you.”

“I’ll try to remember that.” He apologized, patting your back comfortingly. “Now come, we need your help.”

He led you through the narrow, dark halls. After being aboard the Lost Light, it was all too claustrophobic for you. “What happened?Where’s Rodimus?”

“He’s fine. He’s with the survivors.” He said. There was something in his voice that made your hairs stand on end.

“Drift?” You asked, feeling your voice raise an octave. “What do you mean survivors, who’s aboard – “

You followed him into a small room.

“this ship?”

The room was covered in trash, remnants of food, and makeshift nests of thin sheets and alien clothing, but the survivors huddled against the corner were most certainly human. There were eleven of them, filthy and grimy, their eyes and stomachs starved.

The eldest were in the front, shielding the younger children, but the oldest could’ve only been ten or eleven, not even a teenager. They were all shaking, from the cold, the hunger, or the fear, maybe all three. The more you looked, the more you felt that pit grow. There were toddlers, children barely old enough for elementary school. They were sobbing. They were afraid.

Rodimus was on his knees, making himself appear smaller as he tried to speak to the children, but they only pushed themselves closer to the wall. He was trying to appear friendly, smiling kindly and his hands open where they can see them, but there was pain in his optics. He wanted to help them, but they couldn’t speak out of their own fear. They were afraid of him, they were terrified of him.

Without a thought, you took off your helmet. That’s when the chill hit you; this place was freezing. You heard tiny gasps as you stepped forward and got on one knee. You held your hands up, showing there was nothing in them.

“My name’s Y/N.” You said, forcing your voice to be calm. “We’re here to help you.”

The eldest one, a boy with greasy blond hair and bloodshot eyes looked from you and Rodimus then back. He said nothing, but you knew what he meant.

You took a shaky breath, trying to calm the thundering of your heart. “These are my friends. This is Rodimus, the one behind me is Drift. We’re not going to hurt you.”

He didn’t believe you, you could tell by the look in his eyes, and you didn’t blame him. But, you held out your hands, hoping beyond hope you could get them to come willingly. “Please, come with us. We have food,and shelter, and we’ll protect you.” It felt like you were begging, and in away you were, but this was something worth begging for.

“Can you take us home?”

His voice was cracked, dry, a few octaves higher than you would’ve imagined. His eyes pierced you, starved for something more than justfood.

“We will.” You promised.

He shared a look with a girl beside him. She nodded hesitantly, and together they took your outstretched hands.

Later on, as Ratchet checked the children with Drift’s help, you sat down with Jedah and Sumaira, the two eldest and the ringleaders. Still near enough for the rest of kids to see, but far enough away to keep things private.

They were clean, fresh from the showers, and digging into some rations you prepared for them. Jedah was the boy from before, only eleven years old, and Sumaira was nine. She had been using a greasy bedsheet for a hijab, and was most thankful when you gave her one of your scarves to use instead.

She tipped her fingers from her bottom lip and out while she stuffed some noodles into her mouth. Thank you. You didn’t know a lot of sign language, but at least you knew that much.

“You’re welcome.” You wrapped your fingers around your glass of water, only to pull away when you felt your fingers tremble.

Jedah hadn’t said much after you brought him aboard the Lost Light. You wondered if he was still nervous or just naturally quiet.

You swallowed against the lump in your throat. “Can I ask what you were doing out here?”

The two of them went still, staring hollowly at their plates. After a long, tense moment, Sumaira put down her fork. She spoke as she signed, nasally, like the words were strange in her mouth.

“We don’t know.”

You folded your arms on the table and nodded for them to continue.

She swallowed against the dryness in her mouth, never quite meeting your eyes. “We are all from Earth. But we don’t know why we’re here. Or how.” Her face got noticeably green, her eyes wet. “But we woke up on a shipwith aliens that – that – “ She turned to Jedah, signing something to him.

“We didn’t understand. We couldn’t understand what they were or what they were saying to us.” He translated, his voice exhausted of emotion.

“They were all kinds.” Sumaira continued. “Not just one alien, many of them.”

“Different species.” You said.

She nodded. “We weren’t the only ones taken.” Her bottom lip trembled, “There was twenty-five of us.”

You felt your heart drop into your stomach. Jedah’s head lowered onto the table.

“They did not make it.” Her voice shook, “They – “ her voicecracked, tears running down her cheeks as she signed something over and over. I’m sorry.

Jedah picked up where she left off, forehead on the table. “They gave themselves up.” His voice was wet with fresh sobs. “When we escaped, the aliens caught us. The older ones tried to protect us, there were five of them, but – “ He sniffed, his next sentence breaking under the weight of his emotions. “They shot at us – and – and…”

It wasn’t until you felt a tear hit your hand that you realized you were crying, too.

Later, when you had found a place for the kids to sleep, you stood with a group of your close friends, the ones you felt needed to know.

Ratchet sighed, rubbing his optics. “So, we know they were kidnapped, but not what for.”

“Does it matter?” Rodimus fumed, arms crossed and literally steaming with anger. “They took these kids from their homes, killed them when they tried to run away. They’re already on the Lost Light’s shitlist, right after Getaway.”

Exhaustion pulled at every bone in your body. You had spent the rest of the day getting to know the children and getting them comfortable. The others tried to help, but anyone with any margin of success was Ratchet, Drift, and Rung. You hoped the kids would open up to them eventually, but they had some rough times with aliens up until now.

Then Tailgate found out there were human kids onboard and immediately wanted to meet them, in his loud, bubbly way. He ended frightening them instead. He was currently sulking beside Cyclonus.

You felt Rung’s hand touch your shoulder. “Do you want to continue this at another time?” He asked quietly.

Drift nodded, his optics dark. “And if they do, then we have the chance to stop whatever they’re doing.”

You honestly didn’t know the answer to that. After a pause, you shook your head.

“Their safety comes first. We have to be prepared if these kidnapping trash track them to us.”

Ultra Magnus was observing the datapad you gave him, listing the children’s names, ages, and where they grew up. “We should do everything in our power to keep these cretins from continuing. But, Y/N is correct. The children need to feel safe here.”

You crossed your arms. “I’ll be keeping an eye on them as much as possible, but I’m still liaison. I have a job to do.”

“Isn’t there a phrase on Earth?” Swerve smiled wanly. “It takes a village?”

[poweredbycoffeeandwine]

I Don’t Mean To: Part II

Hello Lovelies!! Yes, I finally got around to finishing the next chapter. Hope you enjoy it! Features my Tavrien Shepard and Kaidan Alenko after Virmire. Here is Part 1, just in case you are interested. 

Kaidan Alenko x Commander Shepard - Pre-Romance - ME:1

Part II:

Her hands continued to shake. Her mind swirled. Rage, disbelief and bone-deep sorrow threatened to steal her breath. Tavrien stared at her console, red rimmed eyes causing the screen to blur. She didn’t know how long she had been crying, or when she had begun. She only knew that one of her best friends had needed her, and she had left her to the wolves.  

She gulped her cold coffee grasping at words to voice her feelings. How did one go about telling a mom her child had died? The Williams family had to know just how important and vital their daughter, sister, loved one was but she had nothing. Obviously they knew how special she was, but what could she say to them that could possibly make amends? They would rather have Ash than her flowery words on a cold letter. A better leader would have brought the whole team back, not hollow words of condolences.

After the mission, Kirrahe had taken her aside and offered her words of comfort for her lost soldier. Things like, “she fought bravely,” and “she died a hero,” only made her furious. Now the Alliance expected her to send the same rubbish to a beautiful family--one that already lost a father in the line of duty. Shepard choked, “Oh god,” bile rising in her throat, “can I even do this?” Her chair scraped against the floor, sound grating. She grabbed her Blasto coffee mug, fleeing her quarters and the cursor blinking on the blank page.

The Normandy crew milled about, restless, speaking in muted whispers as she walked. The air heavy with grief and stifled tears. Tavrien knew she couldn't let the pain and utter despair she felt show. The crew looked to her for guidance, more so during the difficult times, and this was by far the worst the crew had experienced. Ashley was the soul of the ship, vibrant and energetic. She felt as though she had lost a sister, and she felt the sorrow wrapping around her, making the tears harder to fight. Inattention lead her wandering feet back to the one place she knew she had to return to, but had been avoiding.

Kaidan would want to talk about the decision she made.  However difficult, she knew it had to be done. With a shuddering sigh, she walked through the door into the darkened room. The lowered temperature caused her to shiver. Her eyes adjusted to the dark as she quietly made her way to the bed he occupied. He was sleeping, brows creased ever so slightly, a grimace set on his lips. Her hand reached for his hair, but she snatched it back before she touched him as if shocked. The desire to sweep hair away from his forehead had been so strong.

Instead she turned and grabbed a blanket off a nearby cot; wrapping it around her shoulders as she settled into a chair. She refused to wake him because he needed sleep. The guilt gnawing at her heart was too much, and seeing the emotion reflected at her through Kaidan's eyes would be torture. Tavrien forced herself to practice her breathing, mentally tuck these feelings in a box, and shove it away.

She glanced at Alenko, and for what had to be the millionth time, marveled at him. In battle, she couldn’t help being impressed with his calm demeanor. He was everything she wished she could be. Analytical, intelligent, he never did a thing without processing and seeing the situation from every angle. She knew what he had endured, all of the weight he carried to become the man he was. She often wondered if she could pay that price and remain half as decent.

Yes, she was hailed as the Hero of Elysium, but she certainly hadn't been the only one fighting. Desperate civilians answered the call for help, countless died fighting for their homes. The battle had been nothing short of a bloody disaster. She willingly sacrificed lives for the textbook definition of the “greater good.” She felt like a fraud when someone admired her with eyes full, glowing with hero worship. Tavrien forced herself to look the other way when the smoke cleared and blood washed away. The Alliance decided to market her as the perfect poster-child. Suited for the limelight. Hell, she had been groomed for itl her whole life. Hannah Shepard surrounded her daughter with the best tutors and military strategists the moment she had expressed interest in following her mother’s footsteps.

Tavrien continued her watch over Kaidan through the long hours of the sleep cycle. Any chance to rest was elusive and her thoughts strayed to the man lying on the cot nearby. Would he hate her when he woke? Blame her for the death of a comrade-in-arms and dear friend. Would he ask to be transferred off the Normandy? She wouldn’t fight him if he decided he couldn’t stay. It would destroy her to let him go, but she had no hold on him. Minutes or hours passed, Shepard didn’t know how long she sat wrapped in the rough blanket. Awareness crept across her skin and she knew for some time he had been watching her. Gritty eyes dragged to him, afraid of what she would find.

“Why?” HIs voice cracked, whether from disuse or emotion, she could not tell, “Why did you do it? You should have left me, Shepard.”

Tavrien spoke softly, wondering who she was trying to convince, “No. Our primary objective was the destruction of that facility. You were arming the nuke. You were with that bomb because you have the skills required.”

“That’s not fair.”

Shepard silenced him with a dark look and continued, “You are a very capable Biotic. The strongest I’ve ever worked with. You were higher ranking and the most damned logical choice by all the books ever written. Any commander would have chosen you!” her voice echoed through the med bay. She hated feeling defensive, she knew she had let her feelings get in the way.

“So, I was rescued because I was the most logical choice? What about Ash, she was your friend! Don’t you care at all? She looked up to you, and I am sure she didn’t expect you to leave her behind like some grunt nobody!” His chest heaved, biotics barely checked in his rage.

Shepard stood, shocked at the accusation in his tone. She wanted to cry, to run and hide. Whatever she had imagined, this was infinitely worse. In a hoarse whisper attempting to hide the hurt, she replied, “I made a decision, Kaidan. Me.” Suddenly she was tired of being questioned, and she took a step closer to him. She stabbed her finger into his t-shirt clad chest, and angrily moved on. “There was nobody else to ask. I was on the fly. I didn’t have time to decide which soldier was most valuable to my operation, I was leaving one of my friends to die with an armed bomb counting down the seconds!”

“No, Shepard,” Kaidan sat up, legs swinging over the side of the bed, and rubbed his temples, “If I had just done my damn job, you wouldn’t have had to make that choice. Ash would still be with us.” His shoulders drooped, and his head fell in defeat.

The sight of him slumped over taking more of the blame than he had a right to pissed Shepard off. How dare he try to diminish her role in the way things played out! She glared at him, a furious fire glinting in her blue eyes. “That is enough!” she roared. “Ashley’s death is on Saren’s hands. He is hell bent on destroying everything we know and love along with these Reapers. He is a mad man, and there is no way to convince him to give us a chance. To fight. We didn’t kill Ashley, he did.” Her palm slapped against the mattress near his leg and gripped the stiff blanket in her fist.

The silence stretched; growing a life of it’s own. She cursed the tears finding their way down her cheeks. She felt weak, and betrayed by her own body. She was more upset that when his warm hand settled over hers, she would have given anything to throw herself in his arms. She would sacrifice a lot more than her career to have him hold her, and tell her that everything would be ok. How selfish and undeserving she felt, her friend was dead, and here she was taking advantage of Kaidan’s grief. “Don’t,” broken and bitter, she pulled her hand away from the comfort he gave.

“Shepard, I’m gr...grateful that I am here. I know it doesn’t seem that way, but I am. You chose to save me, and because of that decision I can fight another day. Still, I have to know…” He paused, rubbed his neck where his implant rested, took a breath and slowly let it out, “Did Ash die because of me? Because of us?”

There it was, out in the open, and Shepard didn’t know whether she should be glad or vomit on the shining med bay floor.  How could she be so stupid? Of course Kaidan knew of her feelings for him. He was perceptive, and she wasn’t exactly at her best when it came to him. Her mother had taught her young how to conceal emotions, how to put on the face of a leader when necessary. Somehow Kaidan broke down all the barriers she had crafted to keep others at a distance. He reached out to touch her after she took too long answering. The light caress from shoulder to elbow and back up startled her. How could so little contact from him shake her like no other touch?

“Kaidan, please. I… What do you want me to say? That I don’t mean to ever leave you behind. That it would be like leaving a piece of myself! I couldn’t ever make that decision. You mean too much, I lo..” She slapped her hand to her mouth, eyes wild and sparkling scared she said too much.

“Do you mean it? Shepard, could you possibly?” Kaidan looked at her with apprehension and wonder. He grabbed her hand again, rough callouses scraping over her the soft skin of her wrists. She shivered, as he pulled her closer to him so her hips settled between his legs. One hand at her elbow, the other lifted her chin so he could look her in the eyes. “Tavrien, please,” he croaked, “tell me I am not imagining this.”

Clutching his shirt, she pulled his face toward hers. Lips inches from hers she looked into his eyes, and licked her lips. She was waiting, giving him an out. Understanding he needed a  chance to be the voice of reason, to stop them both before they crossed the line. She knew the regs, but couldn’t seem to make herself care. She had almost lost him, as well as Ash, and sticking to the rules meant that he would never have known. If he let her go, she would back off. Never pursue him again, but oh how she wished with all she had that he would take the leap with her.

She looked up from his lips only to find him watching her own. Kaidan groaned and his mouth slanted across hers. All of the tension built up over the months of the mission was poured into the kiss. Capturing her bottom lip between his teeth alternating between gentle and rough bites, tongue following, soothing away the pain. She hummed her appreciation, and matched his need with her own. She couldn’t fight her body pressing against his. Breaking the kiss with a gasp for air, she clung to him. He held her gently, hand sliding up and down her spine. “Shepard, you have to know how hopelessly lost I am over you. I have been dreaming about this moment since that first mission.” He sighed and rested his head against hers. His fingers tangled in her hair. “But where do we go from here? I can’t let you risk your career for me.”

With a quick intake of breath she moved her hand to his cheek and rubbed her thumb across his cheekbone. She sighed, eyes closed as she rasped, “I think I”m in love with you, and if you are willing to chance it, I am sure we can figure this out.”

“I’m not sure this is real, Shepard. I’ll be livid if I wake up and this has all been a drug induced dream.” Kaidan whispered huskily in her ear. He placed a gentle kiss to her neck and let out a breath.

Untangling herself from his arms to look into his eyes, she swore, “I’ll be here when you wake up, and if you need a pinch, I’ll be happy to help.” His laugh was carefree and so unlike any she had heard from him. So much had happened since they had begun searching for Saren. For the first time in months, she was ready to take the world by storm. Declaring her love for Kaidan didn’t make her weak, but made her feel empowered. With Kaidan and the rest of the Normandy crew by her side, nothing could stop her.

[rosethornxs]

Bellamy Blake x Reader : Forgiveness

I recently got back into The 100 and as we all know Bellamy is a freakin babe so I decided to write some hella angsty light smut for you all. This is my first time writing smut so please forgive me if it is a little rusty.

Summary: Set at the end of season 3 right after ALIE is defeated. The reader feels guilty about hurting people while under ALIE’s control and Bellamy comforts her. Light smut ensues.

Warnings: Angst, Smut

On the drive back from Polis to Arkadia barely a word was spoken between you and the others. Your mind kept drifting to all the terrible things you had done while under ALIE’s control and you couldn't bear it anymore. You sighed and let your head fall into your hands to hide the tears that had begun to stream down your cheeks. It was so hard to simply blame ALIE for the pain you caused.

“Hey, we're almost home,” Bellamy said patting your shoulder. You wiped your face with the back of your sleeve and looked up at him with a weak smile. His expression shared the same pain as you felt. You leaned back against the side of the rover and put you head on Bellamy’s shoulder. He wrapped his arm around you and gave you a comforting squeeze.

You and Bellamy had grown much closer on the ground. On the Ark you were acquaintances because he often came to mop the kitchen and dining area where you worked. Over time you started talking and getting to know him more. You learned about his sister in the Sky Box and his floated mother. You also learned he was kind and loyal, would do absolutely anything for his sister, and not to mention he was incredibly attractive and had the loveliest smile.

You ended up being thrown in the Sky Box after being accused of stealing rations, which you didn't. You knew who it was, it was that bitch head cook who had it out for you since you first started working in the kitchen. Bellamy had watched in anger as you were escorted away by the guard. When The 100 were sent to the ground, you were one of the very few people Bellamy trusted and didn't treat like crap. You were friends even, but over time you grew to care more about him and always got worried when he was put on a mission or left Arkadia. Now he was one of your closest friends and you could always tell when the other was having a bad day or wasn't doing fine. You wouldn't dare tell him how you really felt you because you didn't want to risk what you already had.

“I'm sorry for punching you,” you murmured.

“It's fine, it wasn't you,” Bellamy assured but it didn't make you feel any better.

The rover pulled through Arkadia’s still damaged gate and into the garage. You and the others jumped out and were greeted happily by Raven, Monty, Harper and Jasper. You were glad to be back but it didn't feel right, you felt tainted. As Clarke told everyone what happened, you wandered outside to wash off the remaining blood and dirt on your skin. You peeled your jacket from your shoulders and let down your hair. Grabbing a rag from the edge of the water bucket you splashed water on your face and began wiping the grime off yourself. You closed your eyes and let the water flow over your skin and when you opened them Bellamy was standing across the water bucket watching you.

“You okay?” He asked.

“I'm fine,” You replied and dipped the rag in the water again. Bellamy grabbed your wrist.

“I know you're not, if you want to talk I'm…”

“Bellamy, I'm fine, I don't need to talk,” You snapped, pulling your wrist from his grip.

“Y/n please, you're torturing yourself, I can see it.” Bellamy said.

“I said leave me alone!” You shouted, immediately regretting your words.

Bellamy nodded and walked away. As soon as he was gone, the tears you had been holding in started to fall. He was right, you really were not fine. ALIE made you torture the people you cared about for not doing what she wanted. You tried so hard to get her out of your head but in The City of Light everything seemed perfect, she made you think that you were helping the others. If you made them hurt you could help take the pain away by giving them a chip. You hurt so many people, including Bellamy who you loved most.

You roughly scrubbed the blood off your hands and arms as if you were also trying to scrub away every bad thing you did. You looked at your reflection in the bucket and saw a disheveled, tear stained mess. There was a bruise on your cheek from where Octavia had hit you after you attacked Bellamy.

“You deserve worse,” you muttered to yourself. You dropped the rag into the water and went back into The Ark. Jasper was at the bar and you decided to join him. He passed you a cup and a bottle of moonshine. You poured some into the cup and drank it quickly grimacing at the burn as it went down.

“Feel better?” Jasper asked.

“Maybe after a few more,” you said, pouring more.

“That's the spirit,” Jasper chuckled. You rolled your eyes but continued to drink.

 A few hours later you were still sitting at the bar, Jasper was passed out in a rover and everyone else had gone to bed. You drank the last few drops from the bottle and slammed it on the bar. It shattered and the shards of glass cut your hand.

“Shit,” you hissed in pain.

“Can I help you with that?” You heard Bellamy and whipped around.

“It's nothing, just a cut,” you slurred and attempted to stand up.

“You're drunk and I can see the blood from here. Let me see.” Bellamy said and he walked over to you. You sighed and showed him your hand.

“Let's get you to med bay and I'll bandage you up,” he said and helped you up. He walked you to the med bay with an arm around your waist for support.

The Ark was quiet except for the low thrum of machinery and the occasional metallic clang. Bellamy set you on the edge of one of the beds in med bay and rummaged through medical supplies for some bandages. When he found them, he grabbed a bottle of antiseptic ointment and a clean towel. He gently took your hand and poured some of the ointment on it to clean it. You hissed at the pain.

“Sorry,” Bellamy whispered as he wiped your hand clean with a towel. When your hand was clean, he took a bandage and wrapped it securely around your wounds. You watched his focused expression as he worked. He looked up at you for a moment and you saw there was pain in his eyes too.

“Better?” He asked, quickly looking away. You nodded and pulled your hand from his grip. The feeling of the alcohol in your system was starting to fade along with the lightness it gave you. All your sorrow came crashing back and the tears you tried so hard not to show finally were too much.

“I'm sorry,” you whispered, “for yelling at you earlier and for everything else.”

“Hey, look at me,” Bellamy caressed your cheek, “I don't blame you, and I told you before, nothing you did was your fault.”

“I know and I keep telling myself but I just don't believe it,” you said.

“You were not in control, okay y/n? You didn't want to hurt anyone, ALIE forced you to.” Bellamy assured.

“I still did though! I still hurt them! Don't you understand? I hurt them, me!” You cried.

“I do, God, I understand. I had to hurt people too, I've hurt so many people. I know how you're feeling, I had to hurt my friends too and I regret every moment,” Bellamy said, his voice breaking a little, “You will be okay, you just need time.”

You wiped the tears from your cheeks and looked up at him. He was broken too. How foolish you were to think you were the only one that was hurting. He had to fight his people too.

“Bell, I…” you started

“I forgive you,” Bellamy said, “I forgive you, and I still care about you, nothing will change that.”

You blinked in surprise at his words but they made the weight on your heart lighter.

“I- I forgive you too. You were doing what you had to,” you murmur.

Bellamy took a deep breath and just stared at your face. He looked so much older than the boy you talked to in the kitchen on the Ark. There were lines on his forehead and dark circles under his eyes. You reached up and brushed his hair out of those tired eyes. He caught your hand and finally closed the distance between you. His lips brushed against yours and his hand cupped your cheek. You let out a sigh and pressed your lips against his. The kiss was slow and gentle and everything you needed in that moment. You broke away and gazed into Bellamy’s sad brown eyes, this was something you both needed. Someone else's warm touch to take the pain away.

Bellamy let go of your hand and grasped your hips, pulling your body against his. You kissed him again and brushed your fingers through his dark curls. His lips were soft and sweet with a small taste of mint that mixed well with the taste of moonshine still on your tongue. Bellamy let out a low moan against your lips and deepened the kiss. After a few moments he broke away.

“Y/n, we don't have to…” he started.

“Shhh, I want this,” you whispered.

With that, Bellamy grabbed the hem of your shirt and lifted it over her head. You let your head fall to the side as he kissed your exposed skin. When he found the sweet spot on your neck you gasped softly. Bellamy lingered on that spot, sucking a dark purple mark over it and then slowly moved down your chest, between your breasts. You shivered as he kissed one breast and gently massaged the other with his warm hand.

You tugged at his shirt and he stopped just long enough to pull it over his head. He then picked you up and sat on the bed with you straddling his waist. You ground your hips against his and could feel his growing arousal through layers of clothing. Bellamy laced one hand in your hair and the other traced circles over your bare back. Your hands found his belt and you tugged it free, letting it fall with the rest of your clothes on the floor. You climbed off Bellamy long enough for you both to take your pants off and then you pushed him back on the bed and kissed him, trailing your lips down his neck, over his chest to just above his belly button.

“Y/n,” he moaned when your hand dipped into his boxers and grasped his cock.

“Let me make you feel good Bell.” You whispered and stroked his hard length. His hips bucked slightly when your fingers brushed over his tip. He grabbed your wrist and guided you back to his lips, kissing you more passionately than before.

“I want you,” he murmured. You pulled down your panties and he kicked off his boxers. He met your eyes and cursed softly as you lowered yourself onto his cock and let out a gasp at the sensation of him filling you. You waited a moment, adjusting to his size before finally beginning to grind against him.

“So beautiful,” Bellamy moaned as you lifted yourself up and pushed back down onto every glorious inch of his cock. Your movements were small and slow and you could feel the build up in your stomach each time his cock hit that spot inside you. Bellamy gripped your thighs tightly as you rode him.

“Fuck, princess.” He hissed and flipped you on your back. You moaned as he took control and moved at a steady pace, never wavering. You silenced yourself with a hasty kiss and Bellamy cursed against your lips.

“Bell…” you gasped, you were so close.

“Come for me princess.” He said, bucking his hips forward which sent you over the edge. He thrusted a few more times before his own release and let out a string of curses. Both of you were breathing heavily as Bellamy pulled out and settled beside you on the small bed. You leaned over and kissed his cheek before sitting up to pull on your panties and shirt. You tossed Bellamy his boxers and he pulled them on. Bellamy watched you run your fingers through your tangled hair and smiled to himself.

“I love you,” he said. You turned and looked at him in surprise.

“What did you say?” You asked, shocked.

“You heard me y/n, I love you.” He repeated.

“You do?” You asked, frowning.

“I do, ever since I met you that day in the kitchen when you had flour all over yourself and the floor, which I had to clean, by the way.” Bellamy chuckled. You laughed at the memory. You hadn't really laughed in ages, you missed the feeling. Bellamy stared at you again and you leaned down to kiss him.

“I love you too,” you said and lay down next to him again. He wrapped an arm around you and tugged the blanket over both of you. You sighed, not having felt so calm and happy in a long time.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!

My requests are open so feel free to send in a character and a prompt and I’ll do my best to write an imagine for you.

- Cacy

[lightshadowverisimilitude]

Chaos and Dancing Stars 7/?

I’m a bit nervous about this one…

Chapter 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

Five Years Ago

The mattress shifted under him, and Tony woke with a sharp inhale, pressing away from the intrusion. His body screamed all at once, muscles spasming along his spine and down into his legs. His lungs tried to produce a scream, but his throat shut it down and he ended up coughing. His head spun and lights exploded behind his eyes while he tried to make heads or tails of where he was, and how to get away from the danger.

“It’s just me! Tony, it’s just me.”

Pepper’s voice cut through the fog and confusion, and Tony tried to calm his panicked breathing. He searched through the near darkness to find her perched on the edge of the bed with both of her hands up. She looked like she was ready to bolt, and Tony couldn’t blame her. He didn’t always come out of nightmares peacefully, though this time he couldn’t remember if he’d been dreaming.

“Pep,” he gasped out, and then collapsed back to the mattress as the pieces started slotting into place. Gods, aliens, the vacuum squeezing around him like a fist, falling. Falling. He set a shaky hand over his chest, fingers automatically scrabbling at the reactor casing. It hummed reassuringly against his skin, the faint vibration extending into his bones.

“I’m sorry,” Pepper said after Tony had gotten his lungs under control again. “I should have known better. I just wanted to check on you.”

Her voice sounded strained, and when he looked up at her, he found that she was visibly struggling not to cry. Her face was red and splotchy, and her eyes were bright in the faint light. Tony reached out for her blindly. She all but lunged for his hand, making him jerk back in surprise, but she caught his fingers between her palms and held them tightly.

“Don’t ever do that again, don’t you ever. Ever. Ever do that again, Tony!” Her voice came out as a pitchy whisper. He could tell that she was trying to be firm, but couldn’t get enough air. Fat tears spilled over her lower eyelids and rolled down her cheeks.

Tony wanted to reach up and wipe the tears away, but he was frozen by the force of her reaction. He remembered her picture flickering on his HUD, the Call Failed that had gone straight to his gut. At the time, he’d thought about telling Jarvis to call Rhodey, but it had already been too late, and what could either of them had said to him? Watching her cry, he tried to imagine how he would have felt if Rhodey had called him seconds from imminent death and he’d missed the call.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have done that to you.”

“Don’t!” Pepper shouted, her voice finally breaking through the emotional stranglehold. She looked furious. “Don’t you apologize to me, Tony Stark. Not for. For.” She dissolved into sobs, her hand clenching his so hard that it started to hurt. He used it to reel her in, and she struggled out of her shoes so she could crawl into the bed with him.

Holding her hurt. Every bruise, bump, and probable fracture screamed at the contact. His head throbbed, and he really needed to go to the bathroom, and he really really needed a toothbrush and a glass of water. Not holding her would have been worse. He ignored the pain, holding her tightly and burying his face in her hair. Her hair smelled like strawberries, which had always amused him, and reeked of fear and sadness, which made him want to stand between her and the entire world.

He didn’t know how long they’d been like that before the door creaked open. Tony twisted – bad idea, neck so did not appreciate at all – ready to bear his teeth at whoever thought they were going to invade his moment, but it was Rhodey staring wide-eyed at them.

“This a party anyone can join?” he asked.

Tony hadn’t seen a look on Rhodey’s face like that since Afghanistan, but his voice was deceptively casual. Pepper waved him over, tugging at Tony – ouch, ribs did not appreciate – until he’d rolled onto his side. Rhodey closed the door behind him, sat on the edge of the bed, and unlaced his shoes. He took so long with it that Pepper finally reached over and grabbed him by the collar, yanking him backwards into the bed. Rhodey’s left shoe hit the carpet with a thump, and then he fit himself neatly to Tony’s spine, face burrowing against Tony’s neck.

“I thought I told you no more funvees,” Rhodey muttered against his skin.

Tony took in a careful breath and said, “Baby, I’m a walking funvee.”

(read more)

Rhodey snorted. He reached across Tony’s hip to put a hand on Pepper’s low back and pulled, squishing them tighter together – ribs really did not appreciate – and fell silent.

Tony thought about going back to sleep. He could use it, and he hadn’t slept in a pack-pile since Afghanistan. Before that, it had been more than a decade. He closed his eyes to test out how likely his body was to cooperate, but his bladder throbbed warningly as soon as he did.

“If you two beautiful people would just stay right where you are, I would appreciate it,” Tony said, and then fought against their hold to get upright. “If you don’t let me up, none of us are going to be very comfortable in this bed for much longer.” The warning finally got Rhodey to let him go, and Tony made painfully slow progress getting out of the bed.

He could feel Rhodey’s eyes on him as he hobbled across the room, but he couldn’t have hidden how much discomfort he was in for all the world. Even if it had been Steve in the bed, he didn’t think it would have mattered. Still, Rhodey let him make the trek alone – which Tony appreciated – and then made a crack about him being an old man – which Tony didn’t appreciate – and only laughed when Tony pointed out that Rhodey was older than him anyway.

Tony wasn’t sure that he was going to make it back to the bed on his own, but found Rhodey on the other side of the door. Without a word, Rhodey wrapped an arm around Tony’s back and all but carried him to the bed. He felt a pang of worry that he was going to fall into a nightmare, but when Pepper tucked her head under his chin, and Rhodey’s arm snaked around his hips, Tony fell immediately into a deep sleep.

~*~

When Tony woke up again, Pepper was propped up against the headboard. She had a hand in Tony’s hair, her fingers gently scratching scalp. The space behind him was empty, but the room still smelled like Rhodey. He shifted against Pepper’s thigh and rolled slowly backwards onto the pillows. She lifted her hand so he could move, and then set it down above his head. She smiled at him.

“Hi.”

Tony tried a smile, but he wasn’t sure how it came out. “Hi.” He turned his head carefully to look over the empty place where Rhodey had been when he’d fallen asleep.

“He wanted to be here when you woke up,” Pepper said, brushing Tony’s hair back from his forehead. “Ross came after Bruce.”

Tony should have thought about that. He struggled to get upright, but Pepper set her free hand on his chest and gently held him down.

“It’s okay,” she said. “Rhodey already cut him off at the knees. I almost wish you’d been awake for it – it was beautiful. He had one of Ross’ goons by the scruff and the president on his cell. Did you know he has the president on speed dial? Between Steve and Rhodey, Bruce got a pardon on the spot, and I thought Ross was going to pop.” A markedly feline smile spread across her face. “All of Ross’ goons practical tripped on each other bearing their throats. Pretty rare to see Rhodey getting his alpha up, and Steve is…” She shuddered faintly. “He’s something else.”  

“I’m sure you just sat back and did nothing,” Tony said wryly, ignoring the mention of Rogers for the moment.

Pepper crossed her legs at the ankles and sat up very primly. “I have no idea what you mean,” she said.

“Sure.” Tony stroked two fingers over her knee. Pepper and Rhodey were nearly matched on their a-levels, but Pepper was sneaky about it. She was good at making people underestimate her, so that when she did decide to get her alpha up, it flattened most people to the floor.

Setting her tablet aside, Pepper shifted over to curl a little closer to Tony’s head. Tony tried to peer over her leg to see what she’d been working on, but she just moved the tablet over to the nightstand and clicked it off. Tony yawned. He thought about reaching for it, but that seemed like a lot of effort. He let his eyes drift half-closed again. If he were functioning at closer to 100%, he would be startled that he’d slept through the ruckus of Ross trying to take Bruce into custody, but then again, maybe it wasn’t so startling. After he’d come home from the cage, Pepper had once put herself at Tony’s front door and snarled down an entire mob of reporters, warning them very effectively not to wake him up. Considering how quiet they’d all gotten afterwards, he probably wouldn’t have woken up if he hadn’t been awake already.

“What time is it?” he mumbled into the cloth of her pajama pants. He had a hazy memory that she’d been wearing one of her high-powered pencil skirt numbers before, but she’d obviously gotten up to change at some point.

Pepper leaned sideways, briefly clicking the tablet on, and then turned it back off before Tony could see anything useful. “Almost three in the afternoon. It’s Wednesday, by the way.”

Tony stilled. “Why didn’t someone wake me up?” he demanded, heart suddenly thudding against the reactor. He struggled upright, ignoring Pepper’s hands trying to hold him down. “Where are my meds?”

“Rhodey went to get them,” Pepper soothed, putting her hands on either side of his face. “I’m sorry, we should have realized earlier. He’ll be back soon. One day isn’t going to matter.”

Tony seethed silently. With as hard as he’d worked and religious as he was about his meds, one day did matter. Before he could say anything, Pepper leaned forward and kissed his forehead, her lips soft and dry between his eyebrows.

“You almost died, Tony,” she reminded him. “And you’ll have them in a few minutes.”

The front door opened and Tony heard the rustle of a plastic bag. He pulled out of Pepper’s hands and crawled backwards off the bed. She sighed, but followed him out of the bedroom. He found Rhodey sorting through yellow bottles at the breakfast bar. He had one bottle in his hand, and his phone in the other, but stopped when he saw Tony carefully making his way out of the hall. Tony made a gimmie gesture and Rhodey handed it over without protest.

While Tony sorted through the bottles himself, Rhodey filled a glass of water for him. Tony took the pills all at once, ignoring Pepper’s quirked eyebrow, and then downed the water just to make her happy.

“I’ll get you some food,” Rhodey said wryly.

Tony probably should have had the food first, but better to just get the pills over with. He noticed a bottle of Ibuprofen in the mix and gratefully accepted a refill to his water before swallowing four of the pills. He lamented again that he couldn’t have anything stronger, but didn’t say anything. He’d done that to himself, after all.

While Rhodey rattled around in the kitchen, Tony made use of the hall bathroom, and then leaned on the door for a few minutes while he waited for the wave of dizziness to pass. Before he’d convinced himself that he needed to get back to the kitchen for food, Rogers turned the corner and nearly ran into him.

“Mr. Stark!” he squeaked.

Tony stared at him. Captain America had just squeaked, and goddamn him, but it was probably the cutest, most ridiculous thing Tony had ever heard. He felt his jaw dropping slowly open as Roger’s cheeks blazed red. The man honest-to-fucking-God shuffled his feet and scratched the back of his neck. How was he even real?

“Cap,” Tony said before the moment could get awkward.

Steve looked him up and down, and frowned fiercely. “You don’t look so good, Mr. Stark. Can I help you back to bed?”

Tony tried to summon up some rage, but he was already starting to feel queasy. Besides that, he didn’t trust himself not to just throw up all over Rogers’ pearly white obviously brand new running shoes. He just grunted and pushed away from the bathroom door, caught himself on the frame, and slid down the hall with his shoulder pressed to the wall. Rogers followed at a discreet distance, trying so hard to Not Hover that it would have been less annoying if he’d just picked Tony up in a bridal carry.

When they made it into the kitchen, Pepper was perched on one of the stools with her laptop out, frowning deeply at whatever she was working on, and Rhodey was doing trick-flips with his pancakes. Tony eyed the high barstool at Pepper’s side, decided that he would probably embarrass himself if he tried, and opted for the table. Rogers darted forward like he was going to pull Tony’s chair out, but diverted at the last second and took a seat himself. Tony lowered himself carefully to the padded chair and watched Rogers’ out of the corner of his eye as it occurred to the man that he’d sat down with nothing to do. Rogers squirmed in his seat for a few seconds, and then jumped back up.

“Can I help you with anything, Colonel?” he asked respectfully, standing just to one side of the line between the kitchen tile and the sleek wood flooring.

Rhodey gave Rogers a side-eye and then said, “There’s cheese in the fridge. Grater is in the cabinet by the dishwasher.”

Obviously relieved at having something to do, Rogers hopped-to like any airman under Rhodey’s command. Tony watched with a vague sense of surreal wonder as Captain America set about cooking breakfast with Tony’s best friend. He pinched himself surreptitiously, but Pepper caught him and smirked. Tony stuck his tongue out at her.

“What are you working on, Ms. Potts?” he asked, doing his best to sound professional and unconcerned.

Pepper snagged a banana out of the basket and cradled her laptop against her chest as she slid out of her stool. She handed Tony the banana and pursed her lips at him until he peeled it and took a bite, and then set her laptop down curled into a chair.

“How much chaos is there?” Tony asked quietly as she opened the screen and tapped at the mouse pad.

“Unlike the effects of your usual antics, our stocks are currently at a ten year high,” she announced proudly, turning the laptop so he could see the numbers.

Tony snorted incredulously, but he wasn’t going to be taken in by the numbers for at least another month. They usually saw a brief surge in stocks when Iron Man did something ‘heroic,’ followed by a dip when the public realized that his heroics had come along with property damage and political fallout. After a stunt like this… either they’d get a world-saving boost for a while, or they’d crash once people started tallying the damage to the city.

He shuddered faintly. “We need to talk about clean up,” he said. “There’s alien tech and alien bodies all over the city. I don’t want some kid to pick up a Chitauri weapon and start waving it around, and I hope the CDC is already out in force. Who knows what kind of bugs the Chitauri were carrying around with them.” He felt his stomach turn, but that was probably as much from taking his meds on an empty stomach as anything else.

“I understand that the city is already contracting cleanup crews to get the bodies out of the streets, and SHIELD has been coordinating efforts with the rest of the agencies. Natasha has been helping me put together a strategy for the company going forward – Don’t give me that look,” Pepper chastised. “I know what she did, and I haven’t forgiven her for that yet, but she’s smart and she did help you save the world. That’s worth at least taking her off the black list.”

Tony made a noncommittal noise and bit into his banana. “What else?” he asked without commenting, waving toward her laptop.

“The entire board of directors has been on my ass all day, but I told them all to shove it and had Jarvis block their calls. I also took the liberty of getting started filing for the merchandising rights for your new friends. I didn’t think you’d want Disney to run off them with them like they did Captain America.”

From the kitchen, Rogers straightened up. “What does that mean?”

“Disney bought the rights to the Captain America brand about fifty years ago. Dad was livid, believe me, but Disney is one of the few companies in the world that can go toe-to-toe with SI, and we’ve never been successful getting them back,” Tony reported neutrally. Of course, once he took control of SI, he’d put a stop to the ongoing bickering legal battles over the matter. He guessed he would have to put some backbone into it now that Captain America was more than a moldering pile of memorabilia and an outdated comic book.

“You’re a Disney princess,” Rhodey clarified for him, deadpan.

Pepper dropped her forehead into her hand and tried to stifle her laughter. For his part, Rogers just stared at them all uncertainly. “I’m not sure how I feel about that,” he said finally. “Should I have the rights to… me?”

“Yeah, no,” Tony answered. “Doesn’t work that way. They tried to snag the rights to Iron Man when I first started making news, and they probably would have gotten it if I hadn’t gone public.”

“That seems. Wrong?”

Pepper finally got her giggles under control enough to say, “That’s capitalism, Cap.”

~*~

Tony sat at the table long after the dishes had been cleared away. He was aching and tired again, but getting out of the chair seemed like too much effort for too little reward. Rhodey and Pepper had both been called away despite protests, but even after the world almost ended, life continued on. Bruce was apparently down town with SHIELD already analyzing the Chitauri remains, and Tony hadn’t seen the two superspies since sending them off to bed.

Which left him alone with Rogers. The silence was saved from being awkward by virtue of Tony just being too tired to care. Pepper had sicced a doctor on him before she’d left, and Tony had another appointment in the morning with an xray machine.

“You don’t have to babysit me,” Tony announced into the quiet.

Rogers jumped guiltily. “I’m not,” he lied. Badly. Before Tony could call him on it, he shrugged uncomfortably. “I tried to go out earlier today to see if I could help, but I was mobbed by reporters. Fury suggested that I might actually be doing more harm than good right now.”

He looked weary as he said it, boyish – really, almost cartoonish – charm banished, and Tony saw something other than Captain America Defender of Freedom and Justice and the American Way for the first time. He was so young. It was startling to realize exactly how young – twenty-seven if Tony’s foggy brain was doing the math right – and this is what he’d woken up to. Before Tony could figure out what to do with the information that the symbol he’d alternately worshipped and hated as a child was a human being, Steve shook off the exhaustion and disappointment in his face and offered Tony a smile.

“I’m not babysitting,” he repeated, “But I thought maybe being here would be better than the SHIELD bunker they wanted to shove me in. So if I needed to imply to a few people that my teammates needed me…”

A laugh startled its way out of Tony chest, sudden and sharp enough to send a stab of pain through his ribs. He put a hand on his chest and rubbed faintly at the bruises under the dark shirt while Steve watched him with a worried pucker to his lips.

“You have my permission to keep up the fiction,” Tony said graciously, though they both knew that it wasn’t really a fiction. As much as Tony liked to be self-sufficient, even he could admit that being alone was probably not a great idea for him. He looked back at Steve and thought that maybe he might not want to be alone either.

They fell back into silence, Tony doing the math on how much distance he would need to cover to get to the bathroom and then to his bed. He stacked that against how many steps he thought he could actually make on his own, and how much embarrassment he was willing to take by asking Steve to help him. He was reasonably sure he could make it to the bathroom, and he could always just rest there until he felt up to moving again.

Steve reached across the table and picked up one of Tony’s pill bottles, left out from earlier. He turned it over in his hands, teeth worrying at his bottom lip. He gave Tony a sideways glance, cleared his throat and said, “So, they tell me you were born omega.”

And that was apparently the end of pleasant conversation with Captain America. Tony was surprised by the pang of disappointment. “I’m sure they’ve told you a lot of things,” he said, pushing himself out of the chair and trying to hide how much it hurt to be back on his feet. “I guess you want to know if I’ve still got all my parts? If I can get it up? If I miss being in heat? Try Google.”

Rogers’ mouth dropped open, and his eyes widened in obvious embarrassment. Tony snagged the bottle from him, scooped the rest back into the plastic bag, and turned around. It would have been more satisfying if he’d been able to storm out of the room in good dramatic fashion, but he had to settle for holding onto the wall and locking the bathroom door behind him.

Next

[charis2770]

Author: This is a really hard post to write. A lot of you who are reading this already know a little bit of my story, if you follow any of my other blogs. It’s always been important to me not to come off sounding whiny to anyone, because my purpose in creating those blogs has nothing to do with personal gain in any way. I remember being young and confused about my sexuality and my desires. I remember my lack of education about BDSM causing me to make some mistakes that could have had disastrous results. A lot of my writing may be not much more than porn, and it’s definitely meant to entertain, but it’s a lot more than that too. On my blogs, it’s my fervent hope that people will learn something about how BDSM can and should work. That they won’t feel so alone, or feel like freaks, or allow themselves to be abused or taken advantage of. Those things will always be my main goals, and no matter what else happens, I hope to continue to be able to provide a safe haven for everyone to learn how kink should work when it’s done right, and how to keep themselves safe, and to be a place where they’ll be accepted and loved for who they really are.

But I’m going to tell my real story. When I was 22, I met a man. We discovered that we were both into BDSM. I was so excited! A big strong guy (yeah, okay, I admit it, men like Asami and Mike and Erwin and Thor are my weakness) who got off on Dominating his girl, and who made damn good money as an added bonus? I thought I’d found my fairy tale. For a long time, we were really happy. We explored our kinks together. The sex was amazing. We got married. 

Then his father’s illness got bad enough that they decided to dissolve their company. He thought finding a new job would be easy. At the same time, I discovered I was pregnant. We’d been married less than 6 months. And he couldn’t find a job. He started painting houses during the day and waiting tables at night. He was a hard worker. But the stress started showing his true colors. He had a temper, and stress brought it out. By the time our daughter was born, I’d learned to be afraid of him. We still had good times. He got a great job back in the city where I’d grown up. Being close to my parents helped. He could go out drinking all he wanted, and I wouldn’t be alone with the baby because my Mom is the best, and lived for being a Grandmother. But it kept getting worse. He decided I didn’t need a safeword because “we knew each other so well.” He’d “punish” me under the guise of consensual BDSM whenever he felt like I’d messed up. He wanted an open marriage. I was cool with it. Partly because I honestly don’t have a jealous bone in my body, and partly because it meant he spent less time with me. It was fine until I found someone I was interested in too. Then he turned into a jealous, angry monster. 

During that time, I learned I could be a pretty great Top, and started exploring that part of myself. I got really good. My experience as a sub gave me an empathetic connection with my submissive play partners. Since he controlled all the money, I took several people’s suggestions and tried out being a ProDomme. I was good at that too. My home town wasn’t exactly a hotbed for clients, but I was able to make a little extra money of my own. He hated it, and the verbal, physical and sexual abuse got worse. Then I realized how scared my daughter was. All the time. For her, I was able to do something I couldn’t have done for myself. We moved in with my mother. There is no doubt in my mind that if I had not, and if it hadn’t been for my child, I would have died soon if I hadn’t left. The divorce was hell. We met, and agreed not to bring up the BDSM because he told me the courts might take our child from both o us. I agreed. He outed me. So he got to keep shared custody. And proceeded to abuse our child to the point where they ended up in a psychiatric hospital at age 14. That was just the first stay. There have been several others. It was a long process, but they’re working so hard to be stable, and live the life they choose. They only see him now when they choose to, but the damage he did to both of us will last for the rest of our lives. 

On our own, it started to get harder and harder for me to provide for us. With shared custody, there’s little to no child support. My body began to fall apart. Back in 1988, I was in a major car accident in our family truck on January 2. I was driving. I sustained a multiple compound fracture to my right femur, literally erased my nose on the steering wheel (there was nothing but a hole in my face where my nose had been) and serious brain damage. My 15 year old sister was killed. By me. It was an accident, but I still don’t remember how it happened. My parents tried not to blame me, and they did a good job not showing it. But that’s the kind of thing that never leaves you. And now, as I get older (I’m 47 now), the effects of that accident are still taking their toll. I have severe scoliosis that was worsened by the wreck. I have 4 herniated disks, general osteoarthritis, facet syndrome (the small spines the stick out the sides of the lower vertebrae start to lose their connective tissue and bone starts to grind on bone), sacroiliac joint arthritis, and bursitis in my right hip. I have to take 50 mg of morphine twice a day, 7.5 mg of percocet three times a day, and 4 mg of tizanidine (a muscle relaxant) three times a day just to avoid screaming in agony. They don’t help a lot, but they keep me sane. I’m dependent on the drugs. I hate it, but most of my conditions have no treatment. I can’t drive, can’t do chores, and can’t work. I’m trying to get on SSI benefits, but it’s a lengthy process and I’ve already been turned down once. I’ve also lost my medicaid, and am trying desperately to get accepted back into the program. WIthout my meds, I could go into cardiac arrest from the withdrawal symptoms and die. 

The one bright side to all of this is that a couple of years ago, one of my followers messaged me with a suggestion about a story she hesitantly asked if she could write with me. I agreed, and we began to communicate. A friendship formed. She flew out to visit because she wanted to meet me in person. I just had a hunch she was someone special, and I was right. She’d come from a pretty rough background herself, having been raised Mormon and having had her family’s religion used as an excuse to abuse her in many ways. She wanted out of Utah so badly, but was too scared to just randomly move to a strange place where she knew no one. During a single two-week visit, we already felt like family. She decided that here with me was where she was meant to be, and he spouse agreed. They moved here, and in with my child and I. She is now my collared, live-in sub, and has become a sister to my genderfluid offspring. All three of the people who live with me work their asses off, but it’s not enough to support all of us, cover our medical expenses, and take care of all our needs. 

It kills me that I can’t contribute. I’m the kind of person who needs to take care of people. I love being able to help my followers. It makes me feel like I have a purpose. It’s almost impossible to describe how painful it is to be able to help people I’ve never met but to be useless to my own family. I’m here for them to talk to, but when finances are our biggest problem, I’m no help at all.

That’s the reason for my Patreon. I’m not trying to get rich. I’m never going to spend your hard-earned money on frivolous or selfish things. I want to be able to keep the power on another day. I want us to not have to choose between electricity and having enough to eat that day. I’ve found I can’t promote my Patreon on AO3 anymore, so I’ve created this blog as a place I can direct people to try to explain why this is so important to me. I hate sharing this story that sounds so pitiful. I do have documentation to prove that every word of it is true. I’m not making it up to try to make people feel sorry for me. I need your help. I hate asking for it. I want to be a whole person who can have a job and put money in the bank. But my writing is all I have. Even if you can spare just one dollar a month, you’ll be helping me support my family in a way I haven’t been able to in a long time. It’s humiliating to ask, but my family’s welfare is more important to me than my pride. 

So if you like the work I’m doing, I ask that you check out my Patreon and see if there’s a way you can help. It’s set up for monthly pledges, but one-time contributions are an option too, as are story commissions. I’ll be posting some of my drabbles from my blogs and other ideas here as well, so you can experience pieces of my work I don’t publish on AO3 if you’re not a follower of any of my blogs. If you can help in any way, you will have my undying gratitude.

All my love,

Heather