#so the hair truly doesnt matter anymore like

[hanarchy]

now cutting off my hair was definitely a mistake but it also hopefully will just make my life easier.

and i was already ugly before so i guess we are fine in that department 👍🏼

[deer-knight]

it's 2024 you know what that means: time to stop shaving massive swaths of your body! listen. cmere. listen to me. if you're someone who regularly shaves your legs/armpits/arms/groin/etc. this is it. this is your sign.

now listen. i know. it feels so nice and smooth! you rub your legs together like cricket! swish swish! listen to me - have you ever fully let yourself have body hair? i mean it. fully let your hair grow until it doesnt grow any longer?

let me tell you something - i am a texture-sensitive being. truly. i was also someone who had to shave my legs daily if i wanted to give the illusion of a creature that doesn't have leg hair. and the fresh shave smoothness was nice! and the scratchy nonsense that started poking through at the end of the day was terrible! it also sucked to torture my skin this way all the time. i have thick, dark hair. and everyone would be on my case about it - my mother, sister, grandmother, kids at school or summer camp. "you missed a spot!" i banish you to the shadow realm.

beyond just knowing that the beauty standards of the world we live in are fucked, consider this an opportunity to just be curious about your body. it's 2024! gender is dead! humans often are covered in hair! its normal! people might give you a hard time about it. the best we can do is ignore them, if they are not the sort to see it as an opportunity to learn.

when i started wearing my unshaved legs bare i was so nervous. and after i made it clear to the people who would have bothered me about it that i wasn't going to bend to their expectations, nobody has really mentioned it. i've had kids ask why i have hair in my armpits or on my legs, because they don't have filters and are curious about their world, and i just say that its normal to have hair or to not have hair, for all people of all genders.

it takes a little bit of time to adjust to the feeling and texture. this much is true. but oh my gosh, i beg of you to try. even if you think you wont get over the sensory nightmare of the initial scratchiness. i haven't shaved in 7, 8 years now, and my hair is still thick and dark but the texture has softened so much, and i love the swish of hair on my legs, in my armpits, all over. i'm not on testosterone or anything, i'm just a hairy creature. y'all, it's so beautiful. it keeps me warm! it's soft in a different way - i can even condition it if i want extra softness! its an incredible texture, and i'm so grateful i let my body be the way it's always wanted to be.

it's 2024. you don't have to shave anymore. if you've been thinking about it, now's the time. free yourself. doesn't matter your gender or sexuality or anything. it doesn't make you less feminine, it doesn't make you less refined, it doesn't make you less sexy or less lovable or anything like that. anyone who says different isn't worth your time.

been wanting to make this post for a while now. your body is yours, and you can let it be as hairy as you like <3

[redr0sewrites]

Sub!Sanemi Thirst<3

🥀Cw: smut, dry humping, overstimulation, cursing, rough dom reader, sub space, begging

🥀 minors dni

Sanemi is such a whiner. He's all bark and no bite, he acts so strong and untouchable yet crumbles at the slightest grind of your hips against his! sanemi acts so mean, he truly thinks hes in charge at all times- that is, until your fucking him senseless. its almost pathetic, hes cursing you out with tears in his eyes yet hes taking your cock so well, sucking you in like hes addicted to you- and truly, he is.

Gag him, tie him down, slap him, bite him, ruin him. He needs it fast and rough and hard, and he needs it to hurt. Sanemi is never satisfied unless he has an assortment of marks to show off the next day, bite marks and scratches littering his chest alongside the scars he wears so proudly.

praise him, degrade him, it doesnt matter to sanemi. he just needs to hear you, to feel you, he just needs you. whether your overstimulating him until hes a babbling mess, screaming your name like a prayer, or whether your edging him until his voice is cracking and hes almost- almost- begging you to fuck him, sanemi needs you to talk him through it every step of the way.

dont treat him like glass, he can take anything you give him. push him to the ground, step on his dick and only let him get off by grinding against your shoe. it's humiliating, he'll fight it at first but the sight of the oh so strong wind pillar humping your shoe like a bitch in heat is always worth the complaints he will throw at you. and believe me, he will complain. sanemi will bitch and curse and shout at you, yet the second you gag him and grab his neck roughly hes putty in your hands.

i think sanemis head gets really hazy during sex very easily, hes the type to enter subspace pretty quickly. the more confusing and overstimulating you make it for him, the more blissed out he becomes. treat him harshly, fuck him rough until hes practically sobbing but sing the sweetest praises to him until hes babbling in confusion. he barely knows what he wants, his brain is just so fuzzy, he cant even think :( or, if you prefer, you can treat him sweetly, fuck him slow and soft and press little kisses to his scars while you worship his body until hes feeling hazy, then start spitting out the cruelest words. call him your whore, your slut, your bitch in heat, anything and everything that comes to mind. he can't determine the difference between pain and pleasure anymore, and in either case will turn into a helpless needy whore from the stark contrast of your words and actions.

"f-fuck you!" sanemi spat at you, trying to squirm away as you snickered. he didnt get far before your foot returned to his crotch, pressing down roughly against the bulge in his pants. "imagine what the others would think if they saw you right now," you smirked, looking down at him as you spoke. sanemi's eyes squeezed shut at your words, and his hips bucked up instinctively against the toe of your boot as you applied pressure to his clothed dick. "oh? do you want them to see you? who knew, the mighty wind pillar is such a whore. grinding like a bitch in heat against my shoe." you sneered, moving your foot to press a little higher and sanemi whimpered. "ngh- shit" sanemi gasped out, hands clawing at the carpet as he desperately chased the friction you were supplying. you paused at the sound, looking down at his flushed face. his bare chest was heaving, and his hair was ruffled as he looked up at you, eyes already glazing over in pleasure. the eye contact made his cock twitch, and you began to move your foot ever so slightly. sanemi let out a choked moan, throwing his head back and bucking his hips again to grind against your shoe. "awww, your doing so good for me baby~ such a good boy, getting off like a little whore on my boot for me. your so pretty baby, such a needy little thing!" sanemi let out a sob at your words, his whole body tensing as the grinding of his hips grew more sporadic as his orgasm approached. he was humping your foot desperately, tears forming on his lashline as need began to ivercome his dignity. "fuck fuck fuck fu-unhhggh" he moaned desperately, the pleasure clouding his mind and making him feel all floaty. he could feel his release about to form, yet at the last second you pulled away. why were you being so mean? sanemi let out a soft sob at the loss of contact, and you cooed, moving to straddle him as you wiped tears from his face. his head was so hazy, he couldn't think straigh, not with the feeling of you pressing against his painfully hard cock. sanemi's hips jolted upright, dry humping you as he grinded desperately, begging for release. you smirked yet again, pinning his hips down and forcing his movements to a stop. fuck, you couldn't wait to ruin him

BARK BARK BARK I NEED HIM SO BAD IM FROTHING AT THE MOUTH SHAKING THE BARS OF MY CAGEEE URGHRHH THIS MANNNNNN

[ludinusdaleth]

i feel like the mere idea of bringing up orym & ludinus and their entwined threads of fate is taboo, but i cant stop thinking about it.

orym is a rare, nearly impossible kind of protector - a guard, somehow not attached to a corrupt, brutal system. he just wishes to protect his home, his leader. but ludinus, via otohan, attacks this peaceful place. he turns the ashari cautious & agrieved. he turns the society of air into the eye of a hurricane. orym is turned into a widow. his title as guard is marred; he failed. maybe zephrah is forever marked as a battleground & graveyard, now.

orym walks across tal'dorei & marquet, slowly healing beside his friends, protecting them as best he can. but then he learns who killed his family, and she kills his friends, too - and him, for a moment, giving him visions of his dead husband, reopening the wound. he is in the eye of a sandstorm, tinged red by the moon. he is a pilgrim no longer. his attempt to be a guard has once again been thwarted. maybe you cant have peace if you're a protector.

orym is at the center of the goddamn planet, the leylines aligning as he witnesses his leader fall at the hands of otohan, again at the center of his home's wound, and ludinus, again pulling the strings. a protector far stronger, more capable, than him, adorned in feathers, alight with divinity, falls worse. his friends are flung to the far sides of the world. he once again fails as a guard. maybe a guard is too small in the scale of this world's forces to impact the tide at all.

and so, orym nods to laudna as she rips bor'dor's life from him. he shears his hair ever more, adorns tougher armor. he makes a deal with a hag, desperate for any chance someone he cares for could maybe fucking make it out okay - even if his vastly increased sternness to keep them safe pushes all of them farther into fear of their own. he sneers with unfathomable anguish as he sees ludinus at the volcano and wastes every one of his action points to rip his soldiers apart. he uses ludinus's harness. he takes the willmaster's power. he keeps pushing into the bloodred storm. he could never be a guard right. so it is time to be a soldier. to truly protect must mean to run to the source of all of it and end it once and for all.

all of the bells have been forged by ludinus, a horseman of war, but orym takes it most viscerally. he does everything in his power to stop ludinus, but in a way the elf has already won - or perhaps, in his need for exandria to be "saved" (as he percieves his actions will do), he's failed, but the bells have still lost. because this new generation isnt at peace. they arent even heroes. they are soldiers. orym more than anyone else has accepted that is his life, his death, his fate. there is no goal of his that doesnt end at ludinus. ludinus, who just like him, lost everything in a war involving gods. who has felt the way the world keeps turning, unbothered by what destroyed his society. who uses that accursed harness to take power for a cause. who doesnt want to force someones mind to get what he needs, or kill, but does, because it is necessary. who has pushed himself to the point he is a means to an end more than a person, willing to rip himself apart because he doesnt matter, his goal does. who cant see anything but war on the horizon anymore.

when the two are mentioned together it causes folk to bristle. the idea orym could be in ludinus's shadow is seen as a suggestion that orym is evil as him. but, thats not what i intend. it is a terrible thing, watching someone's gaze harden after tragedy. once a long time ago, as the gods fought across exandria, ludinus saw his world destroyed. and so he enacted a plan to ensure that would never happen again. that they would suffer, and mortals would thrive. but his plan was a god's foot, trampling mortal society upon society. and so orym saw his world destroyed. and he knows killing ludinus is how to let it mend. as the two march forward, in a second calamity, i can think of nothing but the first scene of exu: calamity, when pelor & asmodeus fought as avalir fell below them. despite ludinus's raging, incredible hatred of the gods, the biggest tragedy of all is that mortals really are crafted in the gods' image: and he, & orym, are most representative of that endless cycle of war, of this war, a failure of the past generations, of ludinus, to ensure a "true" freedom of mortals. of peace.

willmaster edmunda was a terrible person, but i fear she was on the right track when she spat at orym "some would like to live in harmony [with Exandrians]. some... know the nature of violence, that others like you carry."

he would never have carried it if ludinus had not dropped it at his feet.

[slashingdisneypasta]

Severus Snape x Fem!Reader || Drabble

Plot: Severus finally finishes it; the painting of you - the only girl who ever kissed him. The one who didn't care; who then broke his heart and went off with another boy. // Alternatively; Sev's a glutton for punishment.

Warnings: Oh theirs a lot wrong with this picture- pardon my pun. Entrapment (literally), age difference (Technically you are the same age but you died at 17, so your painting is 17. And he's in his 30's), entitlement, self hatred, etc. Snape's a mess.

"Pingis... vivi."

With those words spoken and a waive of his hand over the canvas, the paint melded together to look 17, alive and beautiful, just the way that you did, something changes in your acrylic eyes. Something turns from fake to real. Then you blink, and shift out of the position he painted you in. You tuck hair behind your ears again, and get up off the seat he drew for you.

Snape watches in reverent silence, waiting... will it be you? Really you, or a pathetic pantomime? Will you recognise him, decades later, if you are you?

He's staring, so the girl inside the frame gives him an odd look, and turns away to ignore him- then snaps her neck back his way. Recognition in your wide eyes. "-Sev???"

"... Y/N."

"Did you make yourself an aging potion to get into the club?" You giggle, the sound better than windchimes to him. "I mean- the professors robes are kinda sexy, but I think you put in a little too much aging agent! You look- " Before Snape can speak, you're reaching forward for him-- and missing. Eyebrows furrowing, you step forward this time and try again, still reaping the same results. Its as though no matter how far you go, you don't truly get more then a foot away from your spot.

Stepping back, you look around you- left and right, seeing things that Snape can't fathom (not being a painting himself. Perhaps the scene behind you continues on, or perhaps there are long, eternal hallways. He's never cared to stop and ask any of the annoying idiots on the grand Hogwarts walls.). Still watching you carefully, he sees the exact moment that realisation dawns on you. You lower your arms, cross them over your chest, and slowly look back at him. "Sev, am I dead?... I mean- I must be. What happened??"

"Thats not important- "

"It's very important, Severus." You snap. Its not the firet time you ever cut him off, but it has been a long time since anyone did that to him. Especially not a school girl. He doesnt enjoy it; it puts a sour taste in his old mouth. "Tell me."

"It... I said it's not important." He almost gives in to you, like he used to. But he's not 17 anymore, he's a grown man and you're just a girl. "Wasnt me, anyhow, if thats what you're thinking." You will listen to him. You have to, now. With both hands on the ornamental, golden frame he encased you in like a pretty thing just to look at, he leans in towards the paint. "You listen to me, now... I brought you back. So... "

"So??"

"So that makes me your master." He hisses quickly, making your eyes narrow. What can you do about it, though?? Nothing. You can't leave. He can say whatever, he wants. "Allow me to repeat, my words. Hm? You. listen. to me."

"I don't have to do anything you say." You scowl, waiving a dismissive hand at your old friend. Your old almost. Your dodged bullet. "Severus, just disenchant the painting."

With an eye roll, Snape adjusts his thick fingers on the frame; frustration heavy in ever muscle. You're not getting it. Always so thick in the head, you were. So stubborn, so imperious.

That would have to stop.

"I... can't... "

"What do you mean you can't? Yes you can, Severus. I'm not playing a game here. Disenchant the painting right now."

"No." The one word stops you talking for a whole moment, and it's the first time Severus ever stood up to you. It feels good. So after Straightening up, letting go of the painting - of you, - , and fixing his robes; he repeats it. "No, Y/N."

A new smoke begins to floods yours wide, clear eyes, then; fear. And a dark part of Snape enjoys it. "... What do you want?"

"... What do you think?"

"I don't know, I can't understand crazy people." Anger takes fears place; anger and hatred. Just like that.

... Snape figured this would happen, so he isn't hurt. Not yet, anyway. This changed nothing; all that matters is that you're all his, now. You were always a fickle little thing, anyway.

He gives another eye roll instead of fully reacting to your crassness; beady, dark, almost-black hues almost dissapearing entirely into his forehead. "I assure you, silly girl, I'm entirely sane... " With a swish of his robes, Snape turns his back on you suddenly and moves around his room- looking for something as you watch. "Would you believe it, if I told you I... missed you?"

"Oh my god, you turned into a sad old man- didn't you? I'm not surprised." It's all you can do to him, your capter- insult him. So you will, and you'll enjoy it. "And by sad, I mean pathetic."

With a squinty-eyed scowl thrown your way, Snape pulls out a draw from his desk and sifts through it; choosing to ignore your cheap, juvenile jabs. "Well, I have missed you. You were... you were the only one, who... " You watch him pull out a framed photograph. There's no dust on it- so why was it tucked away in a drawer? He gives it a soft look for a moment, before returning to you. "You were the only one who noticed me."

Rolling your eyes across the canvas, you shake your head at him. No... "I didn't care for you, though, if that's what you're on about. I was kind to you, because you seemed like a future creep and I didnt wanna be murdered. There's a difference."

He gives a huff. So?? "Sure. Whatever." Whatever makes you happy. While you continue to glare at him, thinking of what to say next- what would pull him apart (You ended up quite good at that. Which is why, he needs you)- Severus sets down the framed photo; setting it ontop of a nearby pile of luggage facing you. It's a picture of you and him, of course. Taken by you, not so long ago. Or... quite a while ago, by the looks of Snape.

While you grimace at the picture, he takes another turn around his room and locates a little vial of potion. When you notice him approaching you, or your portrait, with it- you turn up your nose. "... what's that?"

Snape barely spares you a glance, uncorking it and ysing his thumb instead to cover the top before he shakes it up; being sure that all the ingredients are properly mkxed together. Focused on it. "Mm, just a little fail safe for myself... or you."

"What do you mean??" Eyebrows knitted together in frustrated confusion, you comb your brain for any information you had about enchanted paintings, but come up short. Severus was always a better student then you were.

"Just have to... " Severus dips a paintbrush into the vile, the brushes coming back wet with some clear liquid. "Give you one more, final, coat. And... " The feeling of being painted over is cold, but not wet. More like a cold chill that leaves you feeling bare and exposed for a few moments. Snape paints over your entire scene, from both of the top corners to the both of the bottom corners. When he's finished, you look around to see if anything different... and find nothing. What did he do?? "You should be... safe."

"...- safe!?"

"Stuck." He amends, raising his brows as if to say 'what are you going to do about it?'.

Him saying that gives you a very bad feeling and you immediacy move- attempting to leave the scene just like you've seen all the paintings in Hogwarts do. Weave in and out of different works, like a ghost.

But the moment you try and leave the frame, you bang right into an invisible force like a wall. A gasp springs from you, as you step back and reach forward to touch it. It feels solid like brick. With incensed eyes, you whip your head around to glare at Snape. "... of all the cruel things. You're trapping me here!??"

"Its- "

"You bring me back from, what was quite possibly peace, and make me look at your ugly face for the rest of eternity!? How is that fair!"

"Oh don't throw a tantrum. No need for dramatics, you little twit. You won't be here for an eternity." He rolls his eyes upwards, pursing his lips and shaking his head at you like you're just a silly little girl. "The paint'll dry and flake off, long before that." 

"So, what then?? How long?"

"Just... " For the first time since he enchanted the painting, Snape's eyes find yours. "Until... "

"-Until??" You narrow your eyes some more and set your hands firmly on your hips; waiting expectantly for an explanation. What you punishment here was, exactly.

"Until... " He could tell you the truth, he thinks. The whole truth. About Dumbledore and the Lord, and Lily... you couldnt go and tell anyone. Not even if someone came in here looking for secrets, you wont come alive for anyone else but him. He was quite good at potions. "I feel... " Until he's atoned. Until you've punished him well enough. Until he feels better. "-until I'm no longer lonely, Y/N." He finally says quickly, lying. He can't help it. Maybe one day he can tell you, but he can't bring himself to say any of it- not just yet.

The responce gives you pause, anyway. You don't know what to say. Are you supposed to... what? Feel sorry for him??

"And you chose me, to fill your sad pathetic void, Severus??

Oh, you are going to be sorry you brought me back Sev. You're stuck with me now, and I am going to make your life hell."

"... good." Thank you.

[mimikyuno]

i was just talking with my wife about this over breakfast but i rly hope this whole transvestigation paranoia becomes a breaking point because it’s insane? like i hope it snaps some people out of their transmisogynystic daze bc what are you saying? where is the limit?? are you demanding any woman who looks vaguely “masculine” take a chromosome test?!

like first their credo was that “a woman must have a vagina and uterus” but that’s not enough anymore for them, now u need to be born a woman “the right way” or you’re a man. never mind that a huge argument they have used against trans women is that they were “socialized as men” (ridiculous take btw, let’s not even get there) and as such can never understand womanhood and really be a woman okay then why are u saying that even if imane was afab and raised a girl she’s still not enough of a woman?! they’re always like “misogyny is sex-based” and it doesnt matter how a woman presents bc it’s her Biology that primes her for abuse (real takes i have seen!!!) but then say that a cis woman who was assigned female at birth is not Actually a woman bc some corrupt organisation that was accused of malpractice Maybe said she might have XY chromosomes. HELLO?! like do YOU know your chromosomes? do YOU know your testosterone levels? it’s so absurd it feels like im in the twilight zone.

also can we talk about how antifeminist it is to argue that someone is just too good at a sport to be a woman. what is wrong with you. hmm i wonder why men tend to be stronger overall? is it really just their “biology”? bc actually studies have shown that parents underestimate their daughters’ strength and do stuff for them and overall dont let them play rough while little boys are expected to be stronger and tumble. which child do you think will grow up with more muscle mass. which will grow up stronger and faster. i saw some altright men and terfs argue that it is Biologically True that men are Stronger and Faster and Better than women bc “look at the football league, the men are better”. like i wonder why?? could it be that the women’s league overall gets less funding, less intense trainings, and overall there’s less athletes to choose the best from bc on average more men pursue sports than women (for social reasons) etc.????

like how are terfs out there thinking they’re feminists. when they posts a picture of a woman of color and call her too ugly to be a “real woman”. do you see how racist that is?! i also saw them transvestigate the butch-looking polish contestant (for judo iirc) like?! “her hair is short and her face looks masculine” have u ever seen a butch woman irl. you stupid ass. and what if they’re trans btw?? ultimately it does not MATTER. olympic athletes are freaks of nature. usually they’re the best at a sport because they’re literally BUILT for it. they often have a natural advantage as well as years or practice. like what even is your argument anymore?! it’s a stupid sport competition to see who’s the best at certain sports how are u gonna determine which physical/biological advantages are okay and which arent?! y’all are one step away from requesting muscle fibers exam for black people to see if they have more type 2 fibers bc that makes them more likely to be fast. put a height limit for basketball players bc being too tall is rare and therefore unfair to shorter basketball players. banning women with PCOS from competing bc they have elevated testosterone. LIKE PLEASE TELL ME WHERE THE LIMIT FOR BIOLOGICAL ADVANTAGES IS. IM WAITING.

i think the insanity of the current situation truly is the culmination of all these phrenology-adjacent trends (like mewing and the rest of the “rate me” 4chan standards, look it up), white supremacy being allowed on mainstream platforms and transphobic panic all converging into this mass hysteria. it’s genuinely fascinating from a sociological perspective but jesus christ. the fact that if imane really was trans they could have gotten her jailed or worse. WAKE UP.

terfs love to call themselves feminists yet are using racist phrenology-like standards to determine who’s a “real” woman. being hairy? big nose? strong jaw? short hair? not a real woman :). please STOP. y’all are literally one step away from saying only white women are “real women” LMAO. trans women have been saying for years that transmisogyny IS misogyny (on steroids) and it WOULD bite cis women in the ass too but y’all didnt believe them till it Actually started affecting cis women.

i am hoping this is the peak of transphobia (specifically transmisogyny) and it’s downhill from here and society progresses 🙏🏻 like let’s move ON. enough is enough

[eirian]

yall ready for a gender journey post..

so yall could probably guess i grew up a cis girl. i didnt start questioning my gender until high school after i broke up with my first boyfriend which kind of freed me up to explore my identity as my own person for the first time. around age like 16 was when i first started identifying as trans, and at the time that meant a binary trans guy

after a couple years of getting comfortable exploring my gender i decided hey maybe im actually not a binary trans guy but instead nonbinary. still transmasc and guy leaning but not quite all the way anymore. this became a trend for the next loooong while, getting closer to the androgynous part of the spectrum as time went on

then in recent years (maybe about 5 years ago ish) i started to lean more towards femininity. this is significant for me because growing up i was always opposed to it--i hated wearing dresses, i hated putting on makeup, anything "girly" appalled me and i didnt know why. i ended up thinking its because i WASNT a girl, and thats why i was so uncomfortable with everything to do with being a girl. i rejected it so hard because it just wasnt me.

after living with eden for a while i got even more comfortable exploring the feminine part of myself. i started wearing dresses and skirts and actually ENJOYED it; i started painting my nails and wearing earrings again; i even grew my hair out to my shoulderblades (yeah thats where its at now LOL). ive even started using she/her alongside they/them. and im actually enjoying these things??? it feels like after all these years im finally able to reclaim them because i feel like im finally able to be comfortable with my gender--how my gender feels to ME, not to everyone else.

that was the problem when i was growing up--i was trapped in everyone else's perception of my gender and what it "should" be. i was trapped into a box that was made by everyone else's idea of what i SHOULD look like, what i SHOULD wear, what i SHOULD act like, etc. and it took me until age 26 to fully realize that my gender is what i want it to be, not what everyone else wants.

i dont have to be a guy to want facial hair and a flat chest and a low voice. loving pink and dresses and cute things and makeup and jewelry doesnt inherently mean im a girl. pronouns, features, clothes, even names dont inherently mean youre one gender or another. your gender is defined by you and only you and nobody should be able to put you into a box and define your gender for you.

..having said all this, im starting to explore my gender further, and im slowly coming to the POSSIBLE conclusion that i might come back around to being cis (albeit gnc). nothing would really change about me except the label tbh. if i do end up coming to that conclusion i will be very bummed about leaving the trans community, but i wont feel any less attached to it, as ive spent literally half my life as part of it. i understand what its like to be trans and to love myself as my most authentic self, and thats why im considering this possiblity!

identifying as a lesbian kind of pushed me in this direction as well--i cant remember the last time i felt truly comfortable and happy with a label regarding my orientation.. like ya damn. maybe i am a girl who likes girls LOL. it just feels right and natural for me personally??? its crazy. i love women. if youre a woman i love you no matter the flavor. i love my wife more than all of you though sorry <3

but god please dont take this as me being like "oh trans people just need to get comfortable with their gender and theyll realize theyre cis" that is a bullshit take and i am not saying that. this is strictly my own experience and journey! i am 100% not speaking for every trans person and you shouldnt either.

but ya. dan cis era???? we'll see. no official statement just yet but i just wanted to let yall know where im at in my ~gender journey~. until i confirm anything please still view me as a nonbinary girlthing! <3

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 14: I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE

wc: 6054

tags: violence, attempted s/a, smut, angst, drugs

a/n: this chapter might be triggering for some people, read at your own risk.

prev chapter

yaera

i havent been to one of these events since i was fifteen. that doesnt sound like a long time, but considering my sister was still alive then, it certainly felt like forever had passed.

the dress i was given is pretty at least. its black, has long sleeves and looks like it was designed for a sexy vampire. one good thing came out of this shitfest.

but the best part is, i can hide san's drugs within my outfit. im not stashing them in matching black purse because it'll get searched, but the tiny ziplock bags fit perfectly in my sleeves and boob area. this will truly be the riskiest thing ive ever done.

irina and the others even messaged me not to forget the stuff. im so focused on just getting that money the fear i had buried inside me hasnt completely resurfaced yet.

im staring at myself in the mirror, looking at my smokey eye make up. the black hair dye really gave me a morbid yet sexy aesthetic that im not bad about. if i could describe myself in two words, it would be exactly that, morbid and sexy.

the sexy part is what bothers me. i know there are people who would agree all too willingly with that. and its not my target audience.

my room door swings open and my mother walks in. theres a strange look on her face as she takes me in. we say nothing to each other for a few moments till she breaks the silence.

"bellisima," she says, almost under her breath. "we can really never go wrong with santo. he made you look like a princess, even if you look like you are going to a funeral."

my insides squirm at the mention of his name. i tried to ignore it, but the fear i felt in that bathroom is coming back full swing. im seeing him tonight. he'll be waiting for me.

"please don't do this again this year," i stiffly begged. "you need to find someone your own age Santo. I'm...I'm not the one."

santo cocks his head to the side and smirks. "and who told you that? who said you're not perfect for me?"

"i don't fucking want you," I hissed. his eyes widen slightly, more out of sick arousal instead of offense.

he advanced on me and i blinked, finding myself pressed against a stall. i whimpered and tried to wriggle out of his grip, but my arms were pinned to the side. oh my God, I'm going to be sick.

"but I want you, and you know that. so why don't you stop playing games," he whispered dangerously close to my ear. i shivered and my nausea kept tugging at my stomach.

"i'm your only chance at a respectable man. your parents already love me. so why don't you accept the love I have for you? you'll never find anyone like me, tesoro."

"i fucking hope so," i whispered, pinching my eyes closed. he moved his face infront of mine, hovering his lips over mine. I whined and wriggle, but he isn't fazed by my struggling.

"you're a big girl now, right?" he said lowly. "i think it's time you feel like a woman."

i snap out of that awful memory when my mother clicks her fingers infront of my face. "come on, hurry up! we are only waiting on you!"

i cant leave san's side tonight. no matter what.

when i get downstairs, my nearly feel the breath getting knocked out of me. he's standing there, looking more handsome than i've ever seen him. black hair slicked back, eyebrows done. the suit is sitting perfectly. its like he's the model here and not me. god i think im going to be sick.

he gives me a small smile but says nothing.

"doesn't she look perfect, amore mio?" my mother says to my father, who only gives an awkward smile of acknowledgement.

"the two of you can sit at the back of the limo. your mother and i will take the two front seats," my father says, then turns to san with a pointed finger. "dont get any ideas, boy. i know your headmaster personally."

san awkwardly laughs. "i would never, sir."

i try not to wonder how true that is. we pile into the limo and my parents keep looking at us through the rearview, making sure there's a significant gap between us. i look over to him and all the anger i felt before is just gone. i think im fucking whipped.

hes the most beautiful man ive ever seen.

"san..."

"you look really pretty," he tells me before i can say anything. saying that with the most expressionless face makes my face drop.

"oh-"

"i just wanted to say that. you really do."

i dont know what to say. the limo is dim so i dont know if he can see how flushed i feel. he leans forward and i think hes about to kiss me. i hope for it. i dont even care if my parents are nearby.

"where are you hiding the stuff?" he whispers. oh right, his drugs.

i show him my sleeves, how the pills are pressed finely between the folds. then i point to my bust. "others are in here," i say.

he chuckles lowly. "creative. you can give me some if you need more space."

if san gets caught with this my parents would end him. everything he worked to achieve would be gone in less than 2 days.

"i think i should keep it. just in case anything happens. you know, rich girl immunity."

san nods and leans back away from me, making me feel empty. "of course."

no words are exchanged between us for a few moments. so we're really going to pretend like the party didnt happen? did that mean it was never going to happen ever again. i dont want to sound desperate but my head is screeching for answers.

but i focus on what matters tonight. putting on a show. getting irina and the others their drugs and collecting payment. and most of all, escaping santo.

"san, can you do me a favour?" i ask.

he hesitates but nods anyway.

"dont leave my side tonight. please."

he rubs the back of his head nervously. "well, i am your date. and i dont know anyone else here."

god. he doesnt realize how bad i need him.thats the thing, i need him more than he needs me. i can never delete what i have on him. i never know when this will go sideways.

the party is at some hotel. when we get there, i can tell the reception is intimidating to san. the cameras, the flashing lights. the security. i grab his hand and he doesnt protest as we go inside. both of us get patted down by security guards, of course the drugs go undetected.

we go inside and the dinner set up is fancy as fuck. i look at san and i cant tell if hes forcing the coolness to not have a panic attack, but his face is blank. i spot irina and the others at a table and wave, my mother dragging us to a separate table with our name on it.

theres a stage with a massive projection screen, where a slideshow of the lingerie collection plays. i know at some point the pictures from the shoot will play out as well. im hoping to sneak off before then because i cant handle the embarrassment.

"so this is your life huh," san mutters next to me. i frown, his tone sounds disappointed.

"whats wrong?" i ask.

"nothing. just...i cant believe it sometimes."

hes been acting so weird. is he insecure? fuck i.dont even know where to start placing questions. my stomach sinks a little at his tone. i guess he'll never get it. he doesnt understand what im really running from. i doubt he ever will. that class disconnect will keep beating our ass.

to him, anything is better than being in a gang. i guess hes right. but that doesnt mean there arent things out there that would make you want to kill yourself. i would know.

santo walks out on the stage and everyone starts clapping like this is the oscars. "good evening everyone, buenos noches, buonasera, and everything else! welcome to the launch of the new Cosa Pericolosa brand. a brand distinct for its dangerous yet delicate beauty, made of the finest Italian lace and silk. i want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate and enjoy this milestone. there will be dancing and there will be a party, saluto!"

as soon as he gets off that stage, i see his face find my parents table. hes coming straight for us. i instantly grab san's hand under the table. he turns to me utterly confused, but i cant deal with that right now.

"mi famiglia!" santo loudly says and kisses my parents on the cheek. he gets to me and does the same, his kiss lingering on me longer than i wanted. i suppress a shiver. "tesoro, you look beautiful in the dress i picked! im so glad to see everyone here!"

"we could not have done it without you, santo!" my mother gushes. "you look so handsome!"

"ah, you are making me shy. it is really you people who are stealing the show, wait till you see how the pictures turned out!" he laughs obnoxiously, turning to smile at me.

"im so glad you are here, tesoro. it is good to finally have you back. your sister would be proud of you."

"thank you, santo." i force a smile. when really i want to scream. dont fucking bring her up, i want to scream it. but i force a stupid, docile smile. fuck if this night goes on for any longer, i might end up doing these drugs myself.

"hold on, who is this," santo finally acknowledges san. he holds out his hand to him. "i am santo falcone. but you can call me santo, you are?"

"that is yaera's date," my mother chimes in as san awkwardly takes his hand. "san choi. he is a classmate."

"oh," santo's smile tightens and he glances at me. "just a classmate?"

my father forces a laugh. "of course. do you know me? she can meet someone when it is time to get married."

santo grips san's hand for an uncomfortable amount of time till he ends up needing to rip it away. "nice to meet you, san choi. excuse me, i will return to you all. i have to greet the other guests and then have them run the music. you all enjoy the night."

he leaves, giving me a weird look before going. is he fucking jealous? does he seriously think he owns me? i dont know how my sister worked with him. hes so fucking creepy and somehow that never came up between us.

irina and the others arrive at our table next, greeting my parents with hugs and kisses. "can we steal yaera for a second? she looks so gorgeous!" claire says, gushing.

"no really, i want to rip that dress off you!" anya says. my mother rolls her eyes and laughs.

"please girls, bring her back in one piece for the show." my mother says. a smirk i know to be devious grows on irina's lips.

"oh we will, dont worry, mrs marino."

im so happy to get up from that table. san grabs my dress and looks up like a lost kid. "where are you going? dont leave me by myself here," he says under his breath.

awww hes so awkward. "ill be right back. dont miss me too much."

his eyes are desperate and his smile is so forced its hilarious. "youre really going to leave me with your parents?"

"dont worry she'll be back!" anya tells him, noticing him holding my dress. "your boyfriend is so clingy, yaera."

i can tell san is trying not to murder her with his glare. not more can be said because im whisked away. we end up in the bathrooms that look like something out of the louvre. anya and claire start taking mirror selfies while irina starts putting the money down on the sink.

"all of it is here, you can count it yourself. now where are the stuff?" she says. i start unrolling my sleeves, taking four of the bags out, getting the other five from my boobs.

anya and claire quickly come scrambling. "oh god, finally!" claire says. "we've been waiting so long."

"is it really that good?" i wonder, their relief is crazy to see. "better than what you already do?"

"alone its okay. but together with what we already do? a fucking trip to the skies," irina shakes her head with a smile. "ive never been so glad to know you, marino."

mixing drugs. that doesnt sound smart. but what do i know? im not the addict.

i smile and take the money, folding it back into my boobs. "youre welcome. and you know if you need more, where to call me."

"of course. and you better answer."

"your boyfriend is so fucking hot yaera," anya says with a sigh. "hes literally gorgeous. where did you find him?"

"careful, you cougar. you cant be talking about an 18 year old like that," i joke.

"im not even twenty three shut the fuck up!" she shoves at my shoulder.

"so he is your boyfriend?" claire smiles. the three of them coo like children when i start blushing.

"im getting there guys," i say. "hopefully soon."

"what do his parents do? he looks like a model himself." claire says.

"you know this is yaera, hes probably crazy as fuck. like the last one, what was his name?" irina chimes in with a snort. "i bet this one is the reason she has drugs in the first place."

i scowl at her. shes right but i hate that she read me so easily. "bitch, just enjoy my services. goddamn it you people are nosy."

she raises an eyebrow. "am i right though?"

i roll my eyes and start to leave, saluting on my way out. "im getting back now to my date now, goodbye ladies."

luckily when i get out, theres music playing and people are on the floor. san is sitting alone by the table, taking random sips out of a champagne glass. im so excited. i actually got money back for us. i throw my hands onto his shoulders and smile widely, unable to hold my excitement.

"so guess who collected their first payment?"

san's eyes widen. "all the money there?"

"every last note. so i think to celebrate we should dance."

san frowns and cringes. "i dont dance. im fine here."

i roll my eyes and grab his hand, pulling him up with a hard tug. "is it a sin for you to do ANYTHING fun? the music is playing and we have something to celebrate, come on."

he sighs and gives in with a lame smile. "fine."

i lead him to the dancefloor, swinging my arms around his neck. san's hands drop to my lowerback as we sway and i cant ignore the happiness bubbling in my brain. i cant stop smiling.

"you seem really happy," he notes. "you're getting a big head from your first payment huh?"

"of course. its just what i needed to prove myself to you. that i can pull my weight and that im not just some liability."

"i never said that-"

"yes you did san. many times." i remind him, and his cheeks flush from.embarrassment. "i can even quote you on it if you want?"

"please dont," he chuckles under his breath. "fine, i guess you can pull your weight."

his dimples are piercing through. i stare at him mesmerized and i cant even hide it. i bet if i was a cartoon in this very moment, i'd be having stars in my eyes.

"you're perfect, you know that?" i say without thinking.

san's eyes widen, then darken in seconds. "what?" his voice is just barely together.

"i want to kiss you again," i admit. "i think its all i'll want for a really long time."

i lightly stroke his cheeks, seeing them go rosey. this is all i have. the only thing that shows me that i do affect him.

his eyes dart down to my lips and i shrink the distance between us, till we're just barely a centimeter apart.

"i dont want you to think about it," i tell him. "just do whatever you want in the moment. thats all that matters."

"yaera..." he gulps, then takes a step back. "i-i dont know about this. lets just...this isnt good. for either of us."

"says who?" i scoff.

"says me. you and i should just stay business partners. strictly business. anything else wont end well for either of us."

hearing that makes my heart shatter and my stomach drop. fuck i can feel my eyes filling with water. i try to choke.it down but i know its obvious.

"so you're just gonna.pretend we never kissed at that party?" i lay down my arms from his neck. "youre just going to pretend that never happened?"

san stops dancing and gives me a curt nod. "i think its best we do. we both know i just represent something to you. something forbidden. thats why you want me right? because im someone you cant have."

i laugh bitterly. "i cant fucking believe you."

i feel a tear drop. san sees it and frowns. "yaera wait-"

i swat his hands away from me. "you are such a fucking dick."

i get off the dancefloor and run somewhere. i dont know where. im just walking, looking for a place to break down and sob. god this is so embarrassing. im so fucking pathetic.

i stop infront of a random room and twist the door handle. its unlocked, thank god. i go inside and fall onto the bed, my chest instantly getting wrecked. i start sobbing horrifically, unable to believe how awful i feel right now.

whats wrong with me. what is legitimately wrong with me. why was he so cold? am i not pretty enough for him or something? this cant just be about the business. i refuse to believe it. and even if it is, why do i feel so worthless?

everytime jongho has rejected me and made me feel like nothing but a stupid slut flashes infront of me. the feeling stabs me like a knife.

that must be it. thats probably what he sees me as. a stupid, desperate evil slut. all i do is throw myself at him. even at that party, i couldnt wait to be all over him. im pathetic. and desperate. i should just die.

my gloves are soaked. i cant believe how much im crying. maybe i should go back to therapy. maybe i wasnt coping as well as i thought i was.

i look up into the mirror stand, seeing my make up absolutely ruined. my entire face is red, and my hair is sticking to my soaked cheeks. i look like shit.

suddenly i remember why i stayed away from men in the first place. because im too fucking sensitive. my mood depends on them. my self worth is a reflection of how much they like me. they control whether i feel emotional highs and emotional lows.

i start laughing at myself. i cant believe i got myself into this kind of fuckery again.

the door opens suddenly, making me jolt. santo comes in and closes the door behind him, smiling tightly. i jerk up and start stumbling back, backing myself into a wall to be far away from him.

"what are you doing here?" i ask, my voice shaking.

"i saw you dancing with that...child," he slowly laughs, his tone sounding bitter. "you have no business being with someone like him, tesoro."

"santo-"

"do you know how fucking sick i felt?" he snaps, stalking like a dangerous animal. "seeing you with him? while you wear the dress i picked out for you?"

being alone was a mistake. i try to dart for the door but he grabs me and picks me up, covering my mouth with his hand. he throws me onto the bed, forcing his bodyweight on top of me. im frozen, i cant move. every karate class ive taken, all my knowledge on hurting someone just vanishes. hes on top of me and i cant move.

im sobbing again. he presses his finger to my lip, hushing me.

"i should be the only one who takes this dress off you tonight," he whispers. he starts lowering the top, leaving the top of my chest exposed. "dont cry, tesoro, you'll feel so much better after. ive been waiting for this for so long..."

"no please, santo," i beg through my tears. "please just leave me alone. please just-"

theres a few knocks on the door. "yaera, is that you? can i come in?"

that's san's voice. santo clamps his palm over my lips again and i scream.through them. its muffled. i start struggling and kicking but he wont get off me. he forces his hand harder. "fucking stop," he growls at me.

the door swings open anyway. san barges in and santo quickly jumps off me, suddenly on the other side of the room. san looks between us, frozen in his feet.

"what, did anyone say you could fucking come in?" santo screams. san stays staring between us, his face absolutely blank. santo scoffs and adjusts his suit jacket before storming out and slamming the door.

i sit up on the bed, looking at san through blurry eyes. i cant even find my voice. i cant even deal with what just happened.

"did he try..." san trails off, shaking his head at me. he rushes to sit down next to me. i cant help it, as soon as he wraps his arms around me i start bawling again.

"i cant fucking breathe. san please i just want to get away from here. please can we just leave."

he softly rubs the side of my head as he holds my face in his chest. "lets go. we'll go away from here. far away from.here. anywhere."

***

san

i dont even know where to start.

yaera and i ordered an uber from the hotel, disappearing with the permission of her father, saying she felt sick and she needed to go home. they werent happy but yaera's distraught face convinced them. they have no idea what the fuck happened tonight. they were sitting with that same guy that night.

hell, i dont even know what happened. but i could put two and two together.

yaera and i havent said a word to each other. shes passed out on my chest all the way to my apartment. i have to carry her on the way in. i have to put her down on her feet when its time to go into my apartment, and she hangs on my arm the entire time.

"you sure you fine with this?" i ask her. she nods wordlessly.

i let her inside, and she makes her way to my bed where she falls hopelessly. i go and sit down beside her, not knowing what to say. i dont know any words that can fix what happened tonight.

i know so much about her, but tonight...it made me realize i know nothing.

"this isnt the first time it happened," she says, her voice low and defeated. "the first time he did it...i was fifteen. he touched the inside of my thigh in a dressing room and kept trying it till i never went back. i never told my parents...or my sister."

i dont say anything. i let her speak.

"he told me he would never let me go. that he was in love with me. he tried so many times. at my own house. and everytime i would end up in the hospital...my parents would blame me. they would say that i was acting out. i didnt know how to tell them. they treated santo better me and my sister. hes a saint to them."

i feel my head heating up. a rich prick predator piece of shit. he deserves to disappear. he deserves to fucking rot.

i bet miss A could make a bastard like him disappear really quickly.

i take her hand and gently rub my thumb over her knuckles. i feel terrible. the only reason he was able to follow her was because of me.

"so thats why you asked me to not leave your side," i realized. "so you wouldnt be alone with him."

"he gets jealous of every man who comes near me," yaera's tears leak onto my pillow. "i thought if he saw you...he would really leave me alone this time. but it just...it made him more aggressive. he tried to..."

i pull her up and bring her into another hug, gripping her tightly. it felt like if i let her go that i'd never hold her again. that feeling terrifies me. i hate it so much.

"i'll never let him hurt you again," i swear. "i'll fucking kill him. just say the word and i will."

"i want him off my skin, san," she tells me pleadingly. "i dont want to feel him ever again. i want to scratch my skin off and be clean. i want to feel clean again."

"you arent dirty, yaera. hes the fucking filthy one for putting his hands on you," i hold her face in my hands. shes delicate, like porcelain. her eyes, that are usually so menacing and careless are filled with sadness. "youre perfect. you dont deserve that, dont for a second blame yourself. you're perfect, do you hear me?"

"if im so perfect then why dont you want me?" she whimpers. my blood runs cold. fuck how can she hit me with such a heavy loaded question.

theres no point in lying anymore. this is the last situation where i can lie.

"im scared," i admit. "im scared of you. and this. and everything. ive never had something like this, ive never had someone this close to me. i dont know how to handle it. ive been alone for so long i dont know how to let anyone be near me. i never let myself have anything. i always let go."

"please let me be there," she whispers in a tone i cant refuse. "please dont let me go. let yourself have this. let yourself have me."

my chest hurts. this night isnt going at all how i thought it would. its too much. i dont know what to say to yaera. i find my eyes feeling heavy. she takes my face in her hands again and i know she wants to kiss me. fuck it, this is the worst time. but at this point, there isnt ever a right time.

i go in for it and kiss her first. her lips are soft and velvety, and she melts against mine instantly. we start to lose our softness, with yaera pulling me closer and closer. its like she wants to take all the oxygen out of me. her kiss is hard, like a cry for help, like im all the air she'll ever need.

she breaks the kiss and drags her lips down my neck, making me shudder. yaera makes her way onto my lap and i dont fight it, her legs wrapping around me tightly as her dress rides up her thighs.

the kisses turn hot and i feel my brain losing sense. this wont end here, i know it. i want to stop it. i drag my willpower from the floor to break our kiss and she stares at me, frowning with swollen lips.

"is this really a good time?" i ask seriously. "you're really emotionally vulnerable right now. after what happened tonight, do you really think-"

"san," she interrupts me, pressing another kiss to my lips. "my life has been one big emotional fucked up moment, i want to forget. i want to have this, im so fucking dead inside. i want to feel alive again."

she stops showering me with warm pecks and looks me dead in the eye. "will you give me that?"

i hold her face again. my chest feels warm thinking about how no one sees her like this. her pain. but she trusts me enough. she lets me see it.

"i'll give you whatever you want tonight. i promise."

those words were all she needed. yaera slides her hands over my chest, pushing the suit jacket off. her hands move fast, flicking open every button till my chest is bare.

she presses her lips to mine again, her fingers tugging at my hair. i moan at the pull, surprising myself and her. she breaks the kiss and smiles down at me.

"i could get used to that sound," she teases. something stirs in me. she's so hot.

i move my hands to the back of her dress, finding the zipper. i dont break eye contact, and her smile only grows as the dress starts falling apart on her.

i slowly drag my lips down her neck, and she lets out a shiver. i fight my smile and continue to leave hot, soft kisses down her shoulder, moving down to her barely hidden cleavage. yaera harshly pulls the dress down, having rolls of money fall out and exposing her chest.

***

yaera

san stares at me after my boobs stare at him. there's a dazed look in his eyes that disappears once he lowers his mouth onto my one boob and grabs a hand full of the other.

i throw my head back, lost in a cloud after feeling his warm mouth. he starts sucking and massaging, rolling circles over my nipple. this is heaven. or something close to it definetely.

i feel my thighs tightening, warmth seeping down from my lower stomach. i try to stifle my moans, my mouth just barely gasping. he looks up at me, pausing on his motion. "you dont have to hold back. i told you i'll give you anything you want tonight," he whispers.

i hold his face with both my hands, feeling like i could cum from just staring into his eyes. "i only want you," i admit direly. i'll take anything he gives me. "but rubbing on you would be nice too."

he leans back, making me yearn. "okay, open wider."

hearing those words just makes me hotter. i get up from his lap and completely remove my dress, both of us just ignoring all the money on the floor. san's eyes hang on my every movement. im in nothing but black lace, and i dont waste time in throwing myself on his lap again, legs parted and ready.

he brings his lips to mine again, both softly and yet completely taking them as his own. his hand slips between my thighs, slowly trailing up like hes carressing fragile ceramics. i shiver as he gets closer to me, his hand finally slipping onto the base of me. he drags his thumb down my clothed folds, wrapping his arm around my waist to pull me closer.

i try to focus on kissing him, dragging my teeth down to his neck. i lose myself when he starts rubbing me with both fingers, feeling that jolt of warmth coursing through me.

my mouth is parted as my face is buried in his neck, pathetic whimpers pumping out of me. san starts going in circles, right in the perfect spot. i do myself the favour and move the fabric to the side, his warm fingers completely melting inside me as he pumps them in and out.

i know im doomed when i hear myself squelching. his rhythm is perfect, not too slow and not too fast, just enough for me to completely feel him and fade cloudily. i feel my high coming, my thighs starting to tense and my grip on him tightening. i start to kiss him frantically, till san keeps pushing his fingers faster. i feel like a hot coil, going and going till before i know it, im dripping all over his fingers.

i collapse onto his lap and he slowly drags them out, and i hear him prop them into mouth. i look at him with an accomplished smile on my face, shaking my head.

"you sick fuck, did you just taste me?"

san shrugs with a small smile on his face. "yeah, can you blame me?"

i cant contain myself, i kiss him again. i dont even feel close to done. "let me do something for you now?" i say against his lips.

"mmm mmm," san shakes his head, gently gripping my waist. "i just want you to feel good. do you?"

i nod. "i feel better than ever. but really, you dont want anything?"

he lets out a heavy sigh. "i didnt want to tell you this, but you feeling things makes me...feel things."

oh he just became ten times hotter.

i realize it now, while sitting so close to him, i can feel his massive boner poking me through his pants. i smirk to myself, getting an idea.

"oh no, you have that look on your face again," san mutters, moving my hair back. "what are you thinking?"

"readjust your friend. so i can sit on him."

san goes quiet, but i can feel him pulsing underneath me. its sensation is sending me into fucking heat all over again.

"i dont think we should go too far," he says. "dont get me wrong, i want to. i really do. but i dont think you're feeling hundred percent...after everything."

my smirk drops. i dont want to think of him. not right now. not while i have san's hands all over me. but i guess its not a good look if i do just jump his bones after everything that happened.

he holds my face in his hands and squeezes after i say nothing. "and dont think its because you're not pretty or anything. seriously, i dont know why you would even say that."

i shrug. my black and white state of thinking has never really helped me.

san picks up a pillow up and tosses it against the wall. "come on, lets fall asleep. we can talk again in the morning."

"okay," i mutter. i dont know what else to say. i get off him and and crawl into his bed. san follows after, his hot skin completely blanketing me as he puts his arm over my body and draws me against him.

"are you gonna act like nothing happened tomorrow again?" i ask.

silence.

"no. stop worrying."

his curt words dont register in my brain, because he places a warm kiss on my shoulder. it doesnt take me long to completely drift to sleep.

***

wooyoung

wooyoung knows he fucked up. he knows its all fucked up, he just doesnt know when he's going to tell san about it.

miss A is looking at him with cold eyes, he cant even utter a word because of the fear inside him. seonghwa is sprawled out on a broken couch, horrific burns all over him. hes barely alive, but he had it in him enough to tell everyone about what went down at the warehouse.

"changbin is dead, you know this right?" miss A tells him.

"yes, ma'am," he utters pathetically.

"so you know what you and lucky have to do."

he knows he cant stay a bitch in this gang for long. he knows its going to get real. petty stuff is all wooyoung is used to. extortion, scamming people. when he watched yunho die, a fear he thought was so far away just flashed infront of his eyes. he knew he'd come to be on the other end someday.

"you find that man...and you bring me his hand. or else, i'll have yours."

***

A/N: pls this chapter was a mess im sorry and it took forever to write , the next will be better 😭😭😭😭

NEXT CHAPTER

tagslist: @yujispinkhair @brown88 @sansonlygf

[alovesongforu]

Three - Tragedy in Blood

Nine hours and a half of flight was a lot. I got on the plane with my heart pounding on my chest. I'm alone. Completely alone. I'm nobody's daughter, I'm nobody's friend, I'm not wanted by anyone.

The flight attendant smiles sweetly at me before pointing in the direction of my seat. First

Class. At least I would have a few hours of luxury before becoming another miserable person starving at USA's streets. Not that I'm unfamiliar with hunger, but I'm not looking forward to get back together with my old friend again.

A little bewildered, I sit, watching people walk by and sit down too. A nine-year-old boy with his parents, a businessman, a couple in their twenties...I like being invisible in public places.

No one ever notices the scrawny little girl with bushy hair staring at you. I like to trying to imagine these people's lives, it makes me realize I'm surrounded by humans, like me. Everyone here feels sadness, joy, euphoria, anger...everyone here bleeds, has dreams, expectations, fears...don't you think that's beautiful?

We're humans. Our life is short and fleeting compared to Earth's life. We live short and feel intensely, inventing stories about something higher to cling into faith. I think this is beautiful, but I'm weird, so don't take my opinions into account. I wonder what are all this people thinking.

You see, I never had many friends, none if I'm being honest, so I got used to diving into fantasy, action or suspense books, where I had knowledge of the characters' thoughts. Real life it's not like that, sadly. People are unreadable, they don't open up at this level, exposing their deeps and disturbing thoughts or telling you the reason behind all their actions.

I have a natural interest in human beings. I want to crawl into their brains , capture every little bit of information about everyone, truly know people the way I know the back of my hand. I know it's weird, but I'm a curious person. I just wanna know more and more about everything.

When I was a little kid, I used to write little stories, creating characters and actually knowing them. After all, I was their creator. For a long time, being a writer was my dream, but it doesnt matter anymore. A long time ago, mommy's dad found the notebook I used to write and set it on fire. My stories burned away with my dream. Why? That's a good question. I think he just didn't want to see me happy, 'cause he destroyed everything that made me smile.

Anyway, I'm distracted from my thoughts when the flight attendants start that speech, showing what to do if there's turbulence and bla bla bla. I buckle up and open my purse, wanting to put my phone on airplane mode. I put my hand inside and feel for my cell phone, but I feel the texture of... paper?

This is strange. Other than my sketchbook and a book, I didn't put anything else that had paper in my purse. I take it out to examine it and find a piece of notebook paper torn out with my mom's handwriting.

Half Blood Hill

Long Island, New York

(800) 009-0009

Speak with the director upon arrival.

Well, at least she looked for a place so as not to leave me wandering the streets.

Look, I'll spare you from describing the next boring hours 'cause there wasn't much to do. I only watched a few movies, read a little and drew, but nothing much. It didn't take me long to get bored, and believe me, when you have ADHD, sitting around for a long time with nothing to entertain you feels like torture.

I start trying to imagine the lives of other flight passengers, but I quickly get even more bored. With a grunt, I throw my head back and close my eyes. I do what I do best: I imagine. I imagine a world in which an artist painted a portrait of his daughter with her own blood. I imagine what the little girl's death was like.

What her last moments were like before life drained from her little body. I imagine how the artist had a lonely and miserable life before he died. How the painting is discovered years later. How it is displayed in a museum centuries later. How the child's spirit began to haunt the place, thirsty for revenge. That's a good story. I think about writing it for a second, but I remember the flames turning paper to dust and then I give up.

°°°

"I HATE YOU!" A child screams angrily before slamming her door.

The intoxicatingly clean smell of hospital. Blinding white lights. Weak coughs. Aged and pale skin. Diarrhea. Vomiting. Nurses here and there. Distance from her. Guilt slowly eats away at my insides with each passing day. White hair and kind green eyes. She didn't blame me for it. But she should.

Grandma doesn't have long to live. I can feel it. I'm at the bedroom door, waiting. I could only visit her when everyone had already talked to her, but this time it was different. I think she also knew that death was caressing her cheek and calling her. Mommy's dad pushes me inside roughly before leaving the room without looking back.

My uncles, aunts, cousins ​​and even my mom leave the room, leaving me alone with her. I know I should keep my distance because of the disease, but I don't care, I even hope that I die with her. I approach Grandma and intertwine her fingers with mine. I held back the tears.

She looked so bad, so so bad. Her body was covered in lumps, her eyes were beginning to become translucent and dull, her nose and lip area were stained red. I've made this.

"Beatrice..."

Her voice sounded hoarse, weak. I swallowed a sob. I didn't notice the tears wetting my cheeks until she reached out her hand with large, purple lumps to wipe them away.

"I-I...I'm sorry." I choked. It hurts. My chest hurts. Was this healthy? Wouldn't I be having a heart attack?

"Why are you apologizing, my princess?"

"I'm sorry. It's my fault, I'm sorry! I didn't meant to." I sobbed.

"It's not your fault, Beatrice. You're just a child." That was a lie. We both knew that.

But she didn't hold a grudge against me. Even when I breathed the disease into her fragile body. Even when I couldn't fix the mess I made. Even with the agonizing pain she suffered day and night, she didn't hate me. I wish I was mature like that, because even without having gone through her pain, I hated myself. I was hoping with my family that I would die in a car accident or in another painful way.

Her hands move away from me to try to take off the necklace with the strawberry pendant she always wore.

"Listen, child. I don't have much time left, much less materials to bequeath, but I want you to have this."

"I don't deserve it."

"You deserve it. Beatrice, know that I don't blame you. I could never. You're blood of my blood and I love you. Every time you miss me, look at the necklace."

It hurts. God, why does it hurt so much? Why? If you exist, God, why not heal her? Why rip away one of the only people who love me?

"Stay with me. Please."

I begged. For the millionth time, I try to fix my mess. Pull the disease out of her body, suck it into me. Nothing. I feel as if hundreds of maggots were eating me from the inside out that time.

I took pity of her failed attempts and took the necklace off her neck. Grandma gives me a faint smile.

"There's so much I want to say to you, but I'm afraid I won't have time."

Grandma lets out a groan of pain and straightens her head, closing her eyes and taking her last breath. I froze. I wanted to make God have mercy on me, to make a miracle happen, but I never knew how to pray.

I remained still, holding her hand and feeling her warmth begin to fade. Do past lives exist? What had I done in one of them to pay for so many sins in this life? I felt angry. Then I realized: God does not exist.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate God, I can't hate something whose existence isn't real, but I know it doesn't exist. And even if it exists, it's not as Christians preach. If he exists, he's not kind. He's sadistic and evil. I have no idea how long I was alone in the room with Grandma, but mommy's dad enters the room after what seems like years, and it doesn't take long to connect the dots.

I remember his hands around my neck, pushing my spine into the hard wall behind me. Panic clouds my senses. I can't breathe. I can't let go. I think I hear my mom shouting something, but his hands tighten.

I just waited for the sound. That sound of bones breaking, when I would fall to the ground, limp like a rag doll. I could see nurses bursting into the room, but my vision went black. I felt my limbs weaken and I imagined Death eager for the moment when my heart stopped beating.

I woke up drenched in sweat with the announcement that the plane was landing. I look around, stunned. That memory always stunned me. Hey mate, I know you must be confused right now, so let me explain: I killed my grandmother. It wasn't intentional, but that's not an excuse or explanation. Her blood stains my hands and drips and leaves a trail wherever I go, and I know it.

My cousin bullied me. I cursed him. Grandma arrived and scowled at me for calling him names. I said I hated her. I hate you. I don't know how I did it, much less why, but those words injected the Ebola virus into her already aging body. Yes, I know, I'm a horrible person. Yes, I deserve to be hanged in a public square. Go through the goat torture. Being impaled. You choose, but yes, I deserve it all.

Happily for both, me and you, dear reader, I'll probably go through hell right now. The plane jolts as it lands and I remember something: my English. As you can see so far, I think very well in English. Maybe I even write reasonably well, but my pronunciation...eeeh, no. I like to describe my accent as that of a choking redneck.

I never participated much in English conversation classes at school. I know my accent is ridiculous and I never wanted to give people more reasons to ridicule me. I regret that now. North-americans are arrogant. No matter how hard you try, they won't try to understand you if you make one small pronunciation mistake.

Anticipatory fear begins to infiltrate my blood as people start to take off their belts. Nobody here knows me, I could just pretend to be mute, right? That's it, I'm going to pretend to be mute! Oh...but I don't where do is this...Half Blood Hill. Danmit!

I left stunned. I held my bag tightly as I fixed my eyes on the airport building. I'm not going to let myself be enchanted by the architecture and aesthetics of this place. I managed to grab my bags and looked around. Men and women rushing past me, people working, on work calls... I don't trust no one here to ask for help. They would certainly realize that I'm alone and only God knows what would go through these people's minds. I tried searching for the address on Google Maps. Nothing. Great, mommy made up a random address.

Fear begins to build up in my chest, caging itself in my ribs and making its home in my bones. What now? I look around as if a prince in shining armor is suddenly going to save me. I go down to the bus station. Maybe I could live from city to city, providing services and eating cheap food. At least I wouldn't starve.

Fear makes it difficult to breathe. I force myself to stop and take a deep breath, trying to clear the fog in my head. Bus ticket, I need a bus ticket. Something coos next to me. I look in the direction. A pigeon tilts its head at me. I feel relief.

Lost, miss? He asks, in my head.

Yes. Can you help me, mr...

Beaumont. Call me Beaumont. Where do you need to go, Your Highness?

I bet you must be in disbelief now, right? Turns out I'm not crazy. Pigeons, rats and bugs really talk to me. I blush at my new friend's politeness. Even though they're always nice to me, I never get used to kindness from people (or animals) who aren't my mom.

I, uh...Mr. Beaumont, can you tell me if there's a place called...Half Blood Hill?

He takes flight and I raise two fingers to serve as a perch. I'm already used to it. Pigeons friends, remember?

You wanna go home, naturally. I'm afraid that no bus takes the route towards your destination, but I can show you the way.

I let out a relieved sigh. I went back to the building to buy Mr. Beaumont a raspberry muffin and then we left. 'But Bea, you shouldn't be feeding the pigeons!'

If you thought or said that, close this book. Never, ever again read my story. You lack the necessary levels of empathy. I was once a friend of hunger, and it is an experience that I wish only for those whose crimes are so sadistic and evil that our brains can barely rationalize them. So yes, I am feeding the pigeons, illegal or not. If you think I being dramatic, think of your best friend. Think of them with their his hip and rib bones popped out. If you imagined this, you can understand me.

Well, back to reality, I walked for so long that I ended up on a road, with nothing but vegetation and cars speeding past me. It must have been around seven o'clock at night, and I was starting to feel scared, but a pigeon can't do anything too bad to me, right? I look at him, perched on my shoulder.

Hey, Mr. Beaumont?...

Yes, Your Highness?

You..you're sure that we're in the right way?

Absolutely, Your Highness. You see that hill to your right? That's your destination.

I look at a dark mass of vegetation a few meters in front of me. I know you're judging me now, but I trust pigeons more than humans. One way or another, Mr. Beaumont was right. As I climbed that hill (which wasn't easy), I found lights a little way down. Lights in a house. I wasn't going to sleep on the street today. I thanked my friend and gave him the cereal bars I had in my purse.

I went down to what looked like a giant house and went inside. Yellow lights bathed me, along with moths flying directly into the lamps. I heard voices ahead, and followed. Maybe I would meet the director here?

Further ahead, two men were playing cards. One of them appeared to be middle aged, had brown hair and eyes, a thick beard and was in a wheelchair. The other had curly hair so black it seemed to glow purple, was built like one of those barroom old mans, and was wearing a Hawaiian tiger-print T-shirt. I didn't felt afraid of him. Didn't seem to be disgusting pedophiles to me.

The man in the Hawaiian shirt narrowed his eyes at me, letting out a deep sigh and and setting his can of Diet Coke down at the table with a tud.

"Another one..." he grumbled.

The weelchair one gives him a sympathetic glance before looking at me. I felt embarassed.

"Oh, um...I'm sorry. I'll wait on that bench while you finish your business."

I wince at how bad my accent sounds, then turn my back to the two men. The Hawaiian shirt man continued to stare at me, but the weelchair man stops me.

"No, no, you don't have to wait." He says, kindly and the other man gruffs in agreement.

"What's your name, child?" He asks, gruffly

I thought about lying my name, but that wouldn't work. I wouldn't answer if someone called.

"...Beatrice, sir."

The man lets out a snort hearing this. I feel a little offended. Why would he laugh of my name? I know it's not the prettiest, but it carries a beautiful meaning: the one who brings joy.

"Beatrice." He repeats, his voice full of mockery. "A pretty name, but it doesn't fit a cursed soul."

I can feel the blood draining from my face. What does he mean by that?

"Pardon?..."

The man grins cruelly.

"Oh, you didn't know, did you?" He asks sarcastically.

"You're cursed, kid. Tragedy follows you around like a lost puppy. You'll never have a happy ending."

The weelchair man opens his mouth, but the man shuts him.

"No use sugarcoating it, Chiron. She needs to know."

[pwblogarchive]

May 2007

May 4, 2007

ryan ross lives in my house right now.

had a falling out with myself.

we just dont speak so much anymore.

theres nobody carrying weight.

nobody with hART and sole.

im sick but theres no hospital to fix this kind of thing.

i day dream at night.

i call em all in the air.

sometimes i get it right.

the things i keep inside are worth double the ones anyone knows about.

almost caught a break, but im pretty sure it was a bad throw.

youre always getting caught, so am i.

i guess we are into the same kind of things.

posted by xo at 7:35 PM

May 6, 2007

i like blowing out other peoples birthday candles and stealing their wishes.

days inn- kind of has a different meaning when its days INside my head.

shut my eyes to keep the world out.

who have you become vs. who you are supposed to be.

been shittalking so much with people who are asleep on the inside.

their veins are pumping blood but their hearts just arent in it.

they blow over legal limits and their organs have put in their two weeks notice.

sometimes i write to keep the world out.

but most of the time i write to keep my world inside.

you have no idea what i do while you sleep.

im having a 2/3rd life crisis.

i got boring.

somewhere along the way.

where the wild things are turned into where the wilde things are.

i have played russian roulette exactly once in my life.

it was the single worst thing i have ever done in my life.

it doesnt matter what the proportions are on the girl to my direct right.

or the way her heart flutters faster than a hummingbird.

just the way she looks at me sometimes.

everything about me hangs on that....

on another note, sometimes the best nights all rest on winds and conversations you have in them.

thanks.

posted by xo at 6:31 PM

May 10, 2007

“fucking nuts.”

i dont care where our heads lie,

as long as yours is close to mine.

posted by xo at 3:46 AM

May 12, 2007

"i can hardly stand living but im afraid to die"

semisweet shadows lit in backrooms

would taste if they were baked into you

lost in my head

my gut has always been my compass

but lately ive been heaving it into gutters

and toilets

sex on tile floors next to bathroom sinks

fuck to forget fuck to remember

you smell of a grove of trees my family drove past for years when i was younger

its like a fortune cookie i opened 17 years early

or a palm reader that was set like a backdated check to age 27

i wouldnt dare say these words aloud as i fear they would set off a chemical reaction within me or you

or that they would come across like a foreign language straining for meaning

i feel like i have snapped awake out of a coma like in a bad movie

i want to get under your skin and its not just a metaphor mostly

your eyelashes kiss off everything i say except in the way that it only makes me dream

informercial love affair

you hair tipped blonde crashing on black roots

or at least thats the plan

if there ever is one

its like science but one i dont understand

turned in my badge and gun as far as anyone ever understanding me is concerned.

i like standing in the rain.

i like showing up late.

i like going home early.

i like having a short fuse.

truly.

i like the madness.

i am in love with it.

the shows have made me realize that there is no other reason for me to be on this planet besides connecting with you.

thank you for that.

you have never let me down.

i am magnetized to everything you do.

and you is you who is reading this.

you are concrete and boomerangs and everything i can count on.

thank you for that.

when my back feels like breaking. or my stomch feels like heav ing or my eyes feel like raining i will think of that.

goodnight.

remember this is real.

even when your head is spinning and your heart is fluttering.

we are on the inside.

the cage spins the bird free.

dont for a second think i have forgotten you or the way you make me smile on gray days or in stormyh weather.

posted by xo at 11:19 PM

Thursday, May 10, 2007

fucking nuts.

i dont care where our heads lie,

as long as yours is close to mine.

posted by xo at 3:46 AM

May 13, 2007

“ground control to major tom…”

i can see that it kind of makes em sick in the pits of their stomachs when i smile.

or when i dont smile.

like they want it to impact but be forgotten.

im not sure you know how i was strung out but on something else.

how someone made you heavier and lighter all at once.

chaos in a wink of the eye.

and how its brushed off by something beyond it- that only speaks in whispers in crowded rooms- who only speaks of backyards and dog days. who only wants to drive south. who you wouldnt believe if i told you.

what if i said its all in reverse-

iamalonewhentheyflyyououtofmylifelikeamothinforcedflightawayfromthelight.

the things that broke me down years ago are just a shrug now.

a thumb and two fingers in.

i feel like a penny turned up the wrong way.

put me in the bowl in front of the register anyway.

let me change someones day.

posted by xo at 11:17 PM

May 17, 2007

“and”

if my conscience is a cricket then my heart is a wasp.

posted by xo at 12:20 AM

May 17, 2007

“semisweet shadows lit in backrooms”

would taste if they were baked into you

lost in my head

my gut has always been my compass

but lately ive been heaving it into gutters

and toilets

sex on tile floors next to bathroom sinks

fuck to forget fuck to remember

you smell of a grove of trees my family drove past for years when i was younger

its like a fortune cookie i opened 17 years early

or a palm reader that was set like a backdated check to age 27

i wouldnt dare say these words aloud as i fear they would set off a chemical reaction within me or you

or that they would come across like a foreign language straining for meaning

i feel like i have snapped awake out of a coma like in a bad movie

i want to get under your skin and its not just a metaphor mostly

your eyelashes kiss off everything i say except in the way that it only makes me dream

informercial love affair

you hair tipped blonde crashing on black roots

or at least thats the plan

if there ever is one

its like science but one i dont understand

turned in my badge and gun as far as anyone ever understanding me is concerned.

i like standing in the rain.

i like showing up late.

i like going home early.

i like having a short fuse.

truly.

i like the madness.

i am in love with it.

the shows have made me realize that there is no other reason for me to be on this planet besides connecting with you.

thank you for that.

you have never let me down.

i am magnetized to everything you do.

and you is you who is reading this.

you are concrete and boomerangs and everything i can count on.

thank you for that.

when my back feels like breaking. or my stomch feels like heav ing or my eyes feel like raining i will think of that.

goodnight.

remember this is real.

even when your head is spinning and your heart is fluttering.

we are on the inside.

the cage spins the bird free.

dont for a second think i have forgotten you or the way you make me smile on gray days or in stormyh weather.

god been thinking. its been awhile since ive done that.

except for "here and there"s

sick of all the speculation.

this means that, that means this.

this is really the only place i can speak to anyone without people in glass towers watching me.

commenting.

so thank you for that.

id do anything to keep this going forever.

even in my head when i wanted to be blown off this fucking planet i still hoped that little blue record kept spinning in your room.

the reason you havent seen a video of fall out boy on fuse is because of corporate litigation.

the same reasons for half of what makes this all feel like its falling apart.

we only did cribs because we thought it was funny. hopefully you are in on the joke. we rented fake cars, like ferraris and just goofed around the whole time.

didnt even know how to open the doors.

not sure if our sense of humor is gonna come across or whether it will be mtvified.

my best friend is a dog.

sometimes i miss being down all the time like it was a close friend that moved away.

but sometimes the inside of my head and my heart and my stomach all meet up into this wretched combination.

i just want to let myself be happy.

id give anything to not give up on this.

take care. sleep safe. i will write more when it comes to me.

May 20, 2007

i actually know someone whos middle name is danger

a cayahoga falling out. class four class five. id still take em. letters all over printed on every piece of luggage ever. you think you found gold every single time. she is the call just before the street lights go out. she is the minute before the alarm goes off. slurring and purring just like and engine or a cat after hes had a fifth. sometimes i hope i dont wake up, sometimes im scared that i wont. its funny how that scale works. its like our lady of justice peeking under the blindfold. if i could keep you still long enough id slip a rope around your finger or maybe even a silver band. detox to retox. hope and hype are just a letter off. sometimes, i try and forget that.

posted by xo at 12:03 PM

May 24, 2007

10 years at sea for one day on shore.

"And I can deal with some psychic pain

If it'll slow down my higher brain

Veins full of disappearing ink

Vomiting in your kitchen sink"

i can kind of see this thing going a couple of different ways. the screen pressed close against the side of my face. ear to the speaker cause i have smashed all the others that project the songs inside this stupid box. my face this close to the keys, taunting me. "i can do whatever i want"s, "i can eat my dinner in a fancy restraunt"s. there is no semblance of meaning. ice cold blue lips, vocal chords and toungue in the back of my head with everything i wish i could say. the tip of the iceberg of a credit check on the emotionally bankrupt. curse phone service or rejoice in it depending on which end of the line we are on. looking for the last life jacket on this sinking ship called life. throw your "overdramatic"s out the window. throw your "old you"s in your fucking face. i get it it. i got it. i gut it. the sun sets and rises on the same old mood. the world has become a dangerous place to me- in my head and outside of it. cant seem to shake it. all roads lead back nowhere. the wilderness of the inside of your brain- which seems to drive your body whenever your heart or crotch is not at the helm. i feel like a slow motion replay of a crash that never happened. wanted to be an anthem not an away message. most of the time dont want to be anything at all. when you are alone is when you audit yourself. you become who you truly are. or arent. there arent any cliffs to throw yourself upon and theres no romance in just: me.

last year i made a list of songs to listen to in the dark when you are all alone. i figured i would do the same again:

donny hathaway "a song for you"

eliott smith " a fond farewell"

the chemical brothers "close your eyes"

damien rice "9 crimes"

beck "lost cause"

beth hart "leave the light on"

the smashing pumpkins "ava adore"

david bowie "space oddity"

iron and wine "such great heights"

stevie wonder "they wont go"

saves the day "hold"

bjork "hyperballad"

bright eyes "coat check dream song"

prince "nothing compares 2 u"

the supremes "where did our love go"

ben folds "the luckiest"

jeff buckley "hallelujah"

i said "i kind of wish i was a pirate"

and she replied "you pretty much are"

how could i not love that?

May 25, 2007

everyone

is either full of diet pills or shit.

and usually its both.

May 30, 2007

“what has this become?”

a question only countered in some monster movie madness.

sometimes spewed out just before the

signal down.

the wizard of oz in reverse.

from color to black and white.

i am completely obsessed with everyone who is completely unobsessed with me.

or sometimes with life.

and by life i dont mean heartbeats and breathing.

i mean 9 to fives and becoming the suburbs.

the complete fuck off of it all being that i am completely obsessed with backyards, christmas trees and lemonaid stands.

its like the northshore is my heaven, the valley is my golden gates.

excuse mne for nodding off.

always boring myself to death.

take a chill pill.

the story of my life

the unauthorized biography written by myself.

i dont even remember saying goodbye to you.

happiness is the sand in the sea.

its just a percentage of a percentage inside a body of water,

life is just a crocodile with a ticking clock inside of it chasing captain hook.

its just i havent figured out this graceful aging thing so well yet.

im sorry baby. my heart is clumsy. but i love you in a holding your hair back kind of way.

just wanna dip my toe into death to see if its a warm bath.

anytime anything breaks me open ever i just spit out a fortune.

if it means anything i spend my time with a bunch of people who ignore the vibrant sky and just look for the pot of gold at the end.

addicted to addiction.

curiosity killed the cat. but what the fuck did loyalty ever get the dog.

May 31, 2007

"i dont believe...." anymore.

i have no words.

posted by xo at 5:47 PM

[indirectcomedian]

tatum being a bit odd with the title because i endorse weirdgirl behavior :)

tatum sat, cross legged in the dark, clutching the nxt womens championship in her arms. the process of stealing the title away from roxanne was a tedious one, and it had taken hours of watching roxannes movements to find an opportunity to snatch it away, even for a moment. “im so glad i have you now,” she cooed at the belt, nuzzling into one of the side plates. she giggled to herself and traced the edge of the belt with her finger, savoring the feeling. she knew that it was only a matter of time before roxanne noticed the belt was gone and came looking. tatum knew she was going to be the prime suspect.

as if on cue, the sound of crashing and yelling came in the distance. roxannes voice echoed from the locker room, words indistinct but anger palpable. the storage closet tatum had squeezed into suddenly felt ten times smaller. a part of her felt concern for the belongings in her own locker, the bits of time with lyra she memorialized. but she was past that now. the title would truly be hers soon, and everyone would finally see just how good she was. she clutched the belt tighter to her chest, rocking and running a hand through her hair. “i know, i know. she doesnt deserve you, shes not good like i am. i would pry her fingers off, one by one, so she doesnt get to touch you anymore. it should be just you and me.”

she sighed shakily as the sounds of destruction continued in the distance. it was only a matter of time before she was found out. she would have to plan her escape just right to avoid roxanne catching her in the act. the hand in her hair grabbed and pulled, disheveling her appearance further. it was just a matter of time until she could truly have her title in peace, she was sure of it.

[weirdcat1213]

TRIMAX VOLUME ONE LETS GOOOOOO ....i didnt remember this was just 6 chapters...wow

ANYWAY LETS GO

chap 1:

-youre right IT MUST BE TOLD TIL THE END OF TIMES

-1st act of god you say...huh

-yeah who could believe that...thats insane....jaja

-ERIKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

-ik this was written in the 90s but i still dont like eriks saying that, like wth man lina is right

-hey lina :3 missed you

-....i like the new glasses...

-THAT SHOT REFLECTING VAHS YES THATS NICE LETS GO

-"lina cover your eyes :]" oh :c

-"oh is eriks again" :c

-YEAH GRANNY KILL THEM ALL >:D

-"stop. some legend that is" ow :c

-this is all just so sad cuz he rea;;y wanted to retire but he cant :c hes vash the stampede

-ww laughing at fake vash is the best xd

-YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH >:D

-also thats funny cuz yeah vash COULD shoot you in a matter of seconds but thats not what his name means and i really like that :3

chap 2:

-aw lina :c

-imagine going to the store and finding the silliest/most depressed wet cat in the universe ready for adoption

-GIVE ME THE PONY TAIL STAMPEDE GIVE IT TO ME PLS

-ok but how did you (from the perspective of a stranger) figure that knives was a name? knives comes from knife, so if a random person read "knives" wouldn't they think about the utensil first?????

-vash: how do you know so much about this evil entity that is my brother?

ww: hehe, please

-ily lina theyre talking bs

-YEAH >:D FREE BODY GUARD

-...im not ready for stampede eriks i will evaporate

-OH MY GOD THE HAIR

-BRO SHUT UP OFC SHE SAYS SHE DOESNT HAVE THAT POWER WHEN HE KICKED (i think) A FUCKING BULLET IM SO SAD

-....I WILL EVAPORATE IM TELLING YOU

chap 3:

-YEY MERYLS BDAY :D

-go get your vacation queen ily

-keele i will yeet you into the sun

-im never not going to be so fucking mad at HOW EASY THAT WAS BECAUSE THIS BASTARD MENTIONED MERYL LIKE IK YOU MISS YOUR DEAR FRIEND BUT OMG it just makes me sad

-wolfwood :3

-i like that :3 meryl just cant be an office person anymore when shes discover more of her world and people like vash. even if she almost died a lot of times, those were also the times when she was alive.

-YEAH MILLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

chap 4:

-:c

-ok but that panel with mostly shade is scary

-i also want to lift my whole self with my arm :D (she said even though just walking places makes him tired)

-ok but if he trained like that for 150 years no wonder he's the only pro gunman ever

-i like his face on that panel, he's amazed and proud that one of his siblings survived for that long

-vash knows why is it always like that and he understands it but god he wishes so hard for it to just fucking stop and it breaks my little heart

-hes literally just an anime girl saying "hi-mi-tsu :3" (im so sorry i will never say that again but I'm right)

-he remembers people and names after so many fucking years

-also those children probably have never met him but vash gives so much ragdoll energy that they went with it (ok never mind maybe they did but you get the idea)

-cmon brad :c why are you so mean to him :c

-SHUT UP OMG SHUT UP

-all of this just backs up the SA interpretation and although it hurts my feelings....damn its just good writing. like not knowing what your own body can do and people taking advantage of that...makes me fucking sick (in a good and bad way i truly don't know how to explain it)

-BRAD LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE AHHHHHH >:c WHY IS EVERYONE SO MEAN TO HIM

-noooooooooooooooooooooo :c every time someone calls/vash calls himself a monster this user loses 5 years of their life :D

-wolfwood sir your projection will make me want to eat my own arm

-NIGHTOW IM JUST PROCESSING WHAT WW SAID YOU CANT THROW CUTE LITTLE FACES AT ME SIR PLS NOOOO

-"run away run away ">:b" i love him so much

chap 5:

-the chapters cant keep starting with flashbacks I'm gonna start WEEPING

-is geranium tea a thing? maybe vash would like geranium tea

-how dare you, my vash the stampede would never side with the cops, he's acab i know that in my heart

-THAT ONE PANEL MY BELOVED (the onle about looking without his eyes)

-hes so fucking done

-yey conflict time :3 boi oh boi

chap 6:

-oh the title placement on this one :3

-i dont think he will (or that he is) fine after all of this but sure

-such a loud chapter and vash is so quiet

-and again, there all judging, expecting to see what will vash do

-"what do you know about my pain" brb I'm gonna EAT SOME GLASS REAL QUICK

-...

-its like....its like why, why make me suffer like this. its not even heavy stuff its just that everything hurts. his impulse and desire to help everyone, his reason why, how others see him while he tries and sometimes win while other times fails. it all hurts in a weird way.

-...legato why are you inside a fridge (i kinda forgot lol)

WHAT A VOLUME i need to lay down

[yuukei-yikes]

why do you hate the 2nd manga route?

WHOA WHOA HEY HEY HEY WHOA HWOA WHOA WHOA HEY HEY MAN LETS TALK ABOTU THIS HEY HEY WHOIA *acts like im being robbed*

i DONT HATE THE SECOND MANGA ROUTE I DONT I DONT I DONT i really dont. the more i deny it the more it seems im lying but i truly dont hate it LOL its just..... VERY different from the regular routes and im. very. particular. about things changing from what i am used to. my friends keep linking me to something called the autism test but dont worry about it

and while i was reading and seeing the story i am so, so used to and SO, SO obsessed with be so different i was very. not super happy about it. after noticing it was some sort of origin story i kinda started liking it though. i keep saying shit like skip it and etc because i wouldnt call it beginner friendly likeee i rly would place this route as the LAST kagepro thing to consume out of everything else lmao NOT BECAUSE I DISLIKE IT but bc like A LOT FUCKING HAPPENS its so difficult to keep up with it and also i read it once and it was a while ago so. idk i might be misremembering and it might not be that confusing but nah im pretty sure anyone can agree with me. it differs a lot and its like a lot happening

.......BUT. there IS one thing. i do fucking hate. like truly truly hate. and makes me just be like eugh to the whole route because they just DONT. GET. SOMEONE RIGHT. AND IT MAKES ME SO FUCKING. INSANE. yes baby. im gonna talk about harutaka. more particularly takane. lost days happens to be the only bit of second manga route ive reread a few times too and i have very. very. very strong feelings about it. UNDER THE CUT THOUGH. IM NOT SO EVIL TO MAKE U SCROLL THRU IT <3

(warning spoilers for second manga route lol also lots of swearing and me being. honestly an annoying person. dont take my yelling to heart please i am just very passionate) (and when i say you or call u stupid i do not mean you as like the person sending the ask or anyone reading. imagine im talking to a wall i just need to get my feelings out)

TAKANE WOULD NOT FUCKING KILL HERSELF IF HARUKA DIED YOU IDIOT PIECE OF SHIT IM GOING TO RIP ALL MY HAIR OUT I FUCKING HATE THIS SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH AND ALSO IDIOT THEY WOULD NOT JUST NOT SEE HARUKA BC SHE'S LIKE OMG HE HAS ANOTHER FRIEND BWAAAH BWAAAAH ARE U STUUUUUPID ARE YOU STUPID ARE YOU ACTUALLY STUPID INSIDE OF UR HEAD.

everyone: omg vinnie u must be so happy with the harutaka in second manga route they reunite theyre so cute

me: *throws up inside a bag*

ok. let me make exactly 3 points.

1. haruka and shintaro become bffs4ever in the regular route too. haruka and takane are friends BEFORE haruka and shintaro become close in the regular route too. haruka and takane meet secluded, just the 2 of them with only each other, BEFORE haruka and shintaro become close in the regular route too. there is. absolutely no fucking reason for this takane to just be THAT insecure about haruka having a new friend. like absolutely none. what is the reason. that she's not in the hospital anymore? that she doesnt meet shintaro alongside haruka? that ayano isnt in the picture? none of these things should MATTER to make that big of a change. the only thing i can imagine is the fact takane sort of has to leave the setting where he's usually at arms reach to haruka and she felt replaced? but that's like such a reach and it MAKES NO SENSE. AND SHE WOULD NOT DO IT. TAKANE WOULD WALK IN THERE WITH ITS SILLY LITTLE GIFT BAG and even if they did get jealous/feel insecure, he'd do it AFTER FUCKING WALKING IN AND VISITING HARUKA. real takane would NOT LET ANYTHING come between them and seeing haruka. u are sick in ur head and its WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. takane would be happy haruka has a new friend even if she doesnt like shintaro. her "selfishness" as they'd call it to see haruka would be stronger than any kind of "waaa im no good for him he has another friend i better leave then he HATES me" girl no lmao takane's desire to be by haruka's side will always be stronger than any insecurity. this is fundamental to the whole fucking "haruka i love you" thing. it is fundamental to ene and shintaro, bc she feels this kinship over being a "selfish" person. idiot. ugh. this pisses me off so much.

2. takane. would not. KILL HERSELF OVER HARUKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY. WOULD KNOW. HARUKA WOULD WANT THEM TO LIVE THE LIFE HE CANT. AND EVEN IF THEY DIDNT KNOW SHED END UP REASONING IT. hi. headphone actor. have u read it. have you. hey. TAKANE DOES NOT WANT TO DIE. even if the world was ending. takane would not. want. to die. takane wants to live. id add the screenshots but tumblr wont let me add pics in my huge insane text but its in the second novel last headphone actor chapter, azami(?) tells takane even if they go back out the daze there is no place left for her and takane says that's fine, they'll find somewhere. they will make a place for themselves. takane would NOT. kill itself. especially not because of someone else. even in a world where no red eye shit happens and haruka dies of his disease naturally and takane would still just grow up without him. ofc itd hurt like hell and it'd mourn her like crazy but they wouldnt kill themselves over it. oh my god. u fucking UUUUGHHHH IT PISSES ME OFF SO BAD YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HER AT ALLLLLLL IM GONNA EXPLODE. yuukei quartet where the healthy pair wanna kill themselves but the unhealthy pair wanna live so bad *my descent into madness is complete* anyways. TAKANE WOULDNT COMMIT SUICIDE. also its fucking ridiculous that they'd do that and end up involved in the red eyes shit by the PURE COINCIDENCE that they kill themselves that day over something unrelated like LMAO thats fucking stupid and love interest syndrome shit dont you DARE do my guy enomoto takane like this. dont you DARE. TAKANE. WOULD NOT. COMMIT. SUICIDE. LET ALONE. OVER. HARUKA.

and 3. take ive read maybe twice but have made me so angry theyve burned a place in my heart waiting for the day i could get an excuse to get it out is... people saying the harutaka in this route is the best because "takane doesnt treat haruka badly like she does normally" erm. ur an idiot. GOD i fucking know the whole tsundere punches crush trope fucking sucks but honest to god anime DOES THAT and everyone in universe takes it lightly bc ANIME. DOES THAT. and its obviously not as SERIOUS as it would be in real life and i will tell u what we do we IGNOREEEEE it bc it adds fucking nothing. like get some fucking nuance come on we got a whole other character like kido telling her brother who was beat as a kid that they wont stop punching him "for his own good". i think we can realise when the writer is being stupid instead of being like yeah these people that dont exist are bad people and abusive. girl no like just stop theyre fictional, someone is WRITING THEM.

and in hs takane's attitude towards haruka in regular routes is grumpy, YEAHHH OFC and theyre snarky and rude and pushy and whatever u want but also god hes a 17 year old with a stupid crush and yknow WHAT I LOVE about them which is HOW i got so obsessed with these 2 in the first place. that theyre friends first and foremost. its always shown and said takane is haruka's most direct support and something that fucking irks me in some fan content is takane being portrayed as this blushing mess that cant talk to haruka GIRL u dont UNDERSTAND THEM. theyre best friends. takane is normal to haruka even if she gets flustered sometimes. like... idk yknow how in the sixth novel i think its like the first lost days chapters where takanes chewing haruka out for not drawing anything yet and generally being a huge bitch but like. thru the whole thing she's described as like smiling and sorta just fucking with him. bc theyre in a truly ridiculous situation and yeah haruka doesnt receive it lightly he thinks shes being harsh but like wow. takane is a flawed character who would fucking imagine do u want a fucking medal like thats THE POINT why do u think this bitch just swallowed her feelings and shit and like shintaro drowned in their guilt and self hatred for 2 years. are u serious. obviously takanes attitude to haruka in highschool isnt the best but also that is the POOOOOOOOIIIIINNNNTTTTTT. why do you THINK she feels so much self hatred. and also despite that THEYRE BEST FRIENDS WHO HANG OUT AND LOVE EACH OTHER and haruka thought highly of her and adored her and ough ok this is about takane dont get me started on haruka but like. yeah she is harsh and silly abt its crush but theyre best friends first and foremost is nice to him and usually people like when people are nice so haruka likes her. there's loads of instances where takane is as nice as they are in the second manga route. so jot that down.

takane's love interest syndrome in second manga route. literally the most tragic thing in the world. i do ADORE the goodbye she has with shintaro like that bit is genuinely one of my all time fave kagepro moments and it is from this route but second manga route takane during the prequel bit??? absolutely fucking TERRIBLE. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HER LIKE I DO. NOOOOO ONE. AND HAVING THIS "CANON" SHIT TREAT THEM THIS WAY MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL. i hate it so much to the point yeah i could say i fucking hate the second manga route. like i just wrote this huge ass text that i spent *looks at time*a whole hour writing so im all fired up and ofc when i calm down im gonna say waht i said at first like No i dont hate this route bc truly i dont but i hate this takane thing so fucking much i might as well just hate the whole route. do not fucking mess with my blorbo. i didnt have it under the microscope for 10 years only for you to do this to it.

manga: i give you haruka pov!

me: YAYY

manga: in exhange of takane getting love interest syndrome <3

me: WAIT WHAT

[abimee]

ida moon and present, ray lying and train, sancturary open book and crown, tock comet and collison, althaea milkyway, ruyan green heart and bouqet, AND, disonus (from you me fame) clover and glowing star. this is a laundry list of characters so u dont have to do them all but i cant bring myself to erase any bc i truly want to know all of it. good luck with comms boss

Ida:

🌙 MOON - what is your oc's greatest wish? how far are they willing to go for it?

in Sound-Colored Melody Memory, part of the big plot is that Ida is separated from Althaea and his other best friend across the Planetary Bodies and wants to do everything he can to find them and bring them home, and his big dilemma is that both Ray and Sanctuary offer their guidance to his friends if they accept their side of the bargain (Light/Dark). Ida is hesitant to choose either side at first, and instead strikes out on his own as he slowly comes to learn what is happening in his universe, and the greatest length he goes for the wish to bring his friends home IS to choose a side in this war.

Before all of that mess though, Ida's greatest wish really was to stick by his friends no matter what, but when he thought this it was because Althaea wasn't graduating and being left behind on their small home planet, and he was willing to to give up his future and higher education just to stay back at home with her :,)

🎁 PRESENT - what types of presents would they be most happy to receive? are they good at gift giving?

Ida is AWFUL at giving gifts, he doesn't have any money and has no idea what would constitute a good gift, and struggles to think of what the other person would like. He and his friends often just gift each other sea shells they find on the beach, which aren't really gifts because they all go to the beach together and pick them up together, but his friends understand and love him and have made this ''their way'' of gift giving. the only other gift Ida has ever given was that he was the one to braid the string that althaea uses to knot her braids with, because she always complained elastics stuck to her hair and ribbons were too soft, so Ida spent the night learning to braid and braided some string together into a thick cord to hold her hair tight with, and he tied them both off with small star charms

Ray:

🤥 LYING - are they good liars? do they have tells to show they're lying?

Ray believes she has never lied in her life and that she would never lie even if it furthers he goals, she only wishes to tell the truth and expel any myth or falsities she knows of

🚆 TRAIN - what is their answer to the trolley problem?

hit the 5 people and if you ask her why she'll tell you she doesnt wanna talk about it anymore

Sanctuary:

📖 OPEN BOOK - do they like reading? what's their favourite genre?

Sanctuary loved reading and studying during her time at the Scala Tympani, especially on celestial bodies and dark matter. She wasn't very big on made up fairytales and stories, though sometimes you could catch her in the mythos section of the great library reading about the tales of various stars and the creation myths the people below had

👑 CROWN - what does your oc want to be remembered as? why?

Sanctuary wants to be remembered for who she was and nothing more, and cannot tell you what that would be exactly, but not what she is remembered for now. She believes that she and her master Sancta Corti Reissner were good and honest people who loved their world and all that lived within it and wanted only the best for them, and that her current image is rotten and spoiled by lies

Tock:

☄️ COMET - what do people assume about them? are they right?

Most people assume that Tock isn't ''very smart'' or ''doesn't have much to say'', but it's mostly because Tock struggles to put her thoughts and feelings into words

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

all of them

Althaea:

🌌 MILKY WAY - what was the inspiration behind your oc? what was the first thing you decided about them?

funnily enough, [SPOILER] from seat of sacrifice / the cover for Final Fantasy 1 was the original inspiration for how althaea was designed :]

and dear viewer, you may say ''hey rylan, you know what goes on in seat of sacrifice right? you know who that is right?" and ill tell you

i do. i very much do. this is why it was chosen my friend. think about that off company time

ruyan:

💚 GREEN HEART - what things make your oc feel comforted? hugs, kisses, food?

my girl loves sexual intimacy and physical touches she crave sit until the cows come home its why ryder is so touchy feely with ruyan because it makes her feel safe and calm. even if it is ryder yanking his tail its still comforting to experience any sort of touch for him :]

💐 BOUQUET - create a bouqet for them! what do those flowers mean? are any of the flowers their particular favourite?

EASY:

red roses - unrequited love

Milkweed - resilience and hope

Hyacinth - jealousy and sorrow

stargazer lily - good fortune

and no, Ruyan's favorite flower is the Forget-Me-Nots :]

Disonus:

🍀 CLOVER - do they believe in luck? are they lucky?

She does not! All things are balanced and in control in her jurisdiction and therefore the concept of luck and chance are unknown to her as a higher being who controls all what people might consider as ''luck''

🌟 GLOWING STAR - what do they think about when they look at the night sky? is there someone they want to star gaze with?

in Y/M, the night sky is entirely black and there is nothing to look at, so nobody ever really looks up at the sky for long or thinks much when looking at it, so Disonus wouldn't really look up there either :--o

[ericislonely]

i wish i was built with passion, every part of me is broken, ugly, unworthy.

i wish i was created, crafted, molded, like the rest of the humans, so pretty and perfect, i wish i was like them, with dimples, beautiful hair, legs strong to spin, hands gifted to paint, voices that change minds, eyes that see beyond the stars, feet that run for miles, and arms that hug even in tears.

i see beauty in every human, in every person, so i doubt if i am human myself because i dont see anything pretty in me.

i can kneel and beg for an answer, my creator doesnt respond, i wonder if the god that made me feels ashamed of me, i wonder if they didnt made me with love, i wonder if they did and now is sad because i dont like what they made. and for that i say 'im sorry'.

im sorry for being blinded by the words others said or did not say, i apologize to myself and to them for i was hurt and i was broken, i believe i would think i am perfect if i was a stranger and saw myself in the streets, but im not, im me in flesh, bones and thought.

i wish i could see who i truly am and not the labels i was pushed into.

i also wish, hope and pray for everyone to realize they are perfect just the way they are, with their insecurities and flaws.

i believe, i know, i comprehend, everyone is fine, pretty, talented, kind, worthy, lovable.

i just dont see myself in the "everyone".

if i could talk to my maker ill ask them if they are disapointed, i wonder what will they say, i wonder if they can fix me, fix my eyes, my heart, mind and soul, clean my everything from all the dirt and evil i have acumulated over the years, kiss my soul and make me pretty again.

in death it will not matter, for i will talk to them myself, and as my body is laid on the bare ground, the worms feeding of my corpse, trees blooming of me. when i become nothing but bones ill think im beautiful, when the birds rest in the branches, and the people stomp above me.

when the ashes become ashes and the energy transforms.

when i speak to the gods themselves and i apologize for i didnt knew what to do with the gift of life because it was stained with hatred and shame. i know ill be fine, because there will not be such thing as wrong or right, ugly or pretty. ill just be, and they'll let me be.

and ill feel everything. and i wont have to cry because im not like my sisters, or because my parents dont like me. i wont cry because i dont feel worthy, because nobody likes me, im always alone and everyone ignores me.

i wont cry anymore or maybe ill do one last time, because its over.

and everyone loves people thats gone.

[indigo474]

Bye bye July-

My love affair is over.. I went to see him on Friday after work. Anyone who knows me- hardly anyone-haha- knows i go to bed early. I had to work until 9. I was a little concerned about being tired and showing up in a bad mood. I knew it was going to be a late night for me- but i decided to go for it.. I said to myself... as long as its not raining i'll be ok. I much prefer to drive during the day and night driving combined with rain.. just sucks. I head out after work feeling good. windows down, music up. I get on the turn pike and i was truly happy.. i did notice lightening up ahead but thought it was heat lightening and i was super stocked because i thought mother nature was putting on a spectacular show for me. Then, it started.. the rain, treacherous. it was like an omen.. dont go April, dont go.. but onward i went. i pick him up, he tells me he cooked dinner for us and we need to stop at wawa for bread. ok no problem. i'm still in an OK mood.. happy to be at my destination and looking forward to getting to the hotel to relax, have a beer and eat. Now, i had been thinking this man may not be too bright but... i didnt want to judge too harshly, after all he doesnt speak english and so on..we order 2 rolls from wawa.. in spanish and it was almost like he couldnt read.. we get to the hotel and he tells me he is waiting for them to send the key via notification.. earlier in the week he sent me a screen shot with the reservations. we are in the parking lots its 11 something. the key is not coming.. i say lets go in and see whats up- he says he wants to wait. I ask him how long does he want to wait. We go in and the guy says the reservations were not completed online- my friend needs an id to complete them. he doesnt have an id. It was a fucking disaster. we had to go to another hotel..didnt get there until after 12.. i paid. the sex was ok.. i was pissed, but i was like whatever.. i already had it in my head i was done with him.. he made dinner but failed to have eating utensils. luckly i grabbed napkins from wawa. he tells me he wants to take me to NY.. you cant even book a hotel aint no way in hell im going to NY with you. he tells me he went from mexico, arizona to NY. the first time we were together he told me he was in Charlotte.. i ask him about it and he says he never said that. He said it- i have a real big fucking problem with people who say shit and then say they didnt say it.. like a huge problem.. never speak to you again problem.. He tried extra hard because he knew i was upset. he kept asking me if i was still made.. a little. the next day i tell him i am ready to go as i want to get home. he asked me to take him food shopping.. No, i cant do that. He never offered to give me money for the room. I didnt ask.. i honestly wanted to see what he would do. Nope. it is what it is.. i dont know if the whole room thing was intentional.. im assuming yes.. he texted me a few times yesterday one i got home.. i texted him back saying what a shitty thing he did by not offering money for the room and that i didnt want to see him anymore. the end..

AND.. it was fun, but i knew it wasnt what i wanted. between my thinning hair, aging face, saggy body, i dont know how i'll ever meet someone. i'll have to depend on my winning personality. HAHA.. i text these men online and when i am myself, i never hear from them again. its hard to to think that i am the problem. it doesnt matter if im a good person.. i think a lot of guys want a someone who wants them for the things they can provide.. its easier than putting in any kind of effort. I dont think i want too much.. i just dont know if there is anyone in this world like me. i am going to have to fully embrace my singleness.. i havent wanted to do things alone in a while. i guess i am going to have to start or just not do things. I am trying to save money, so there is that and that is an excuse to not go out. My mind goes back to the fact that i wasted so much of my life with someone who never loved me and raising kids who dont love me.. such a fucking waste and i'm so far behind in life and cant image anyone ever loving me and that breaks my heart. that breaks my heart because thats all i really want.. someone to love and who loves me.. someone who consistently shows up.. someone i can count on.. ive never had that.

My friend in work got her xanax filled- actually got a higher dose too. She tells me she is positive Dr W does not have my records- i told her i was kick out of his office- she said the same thing happened to her years ago.. of course i didnt go into detail. she tells me to go, get what i want.. i know she is telling me because she is trying to be my friend.. i wish i had friends who asked me if i worked out today- or offered to go to the gym with me or asked me who much i lifted this week or maybe told me what kind of supplements they take or asked me what i took.. or shit about pre workout of food prep or asked me about my mental health anything other than where to get drugs.. i don't need anyone giving me advice on how to self destruct- i know i am capable of doing that on my own without the help of anyone.. and i know she's not trying to me mean or hurt me or anything like that- she thinks she is helping me by telling me to go see this Dr.. she doesnt know my story and everything that ive been through- and even if i told her, she still wouldn't know my story. maybe its just what i have to deal with because i told her to go see him.. i only did because i was tired of hearing her say xanax would cure all her problems..

I wanted to run on Friday but got stuck at the mechanics.. i didn't run Thursday so wed was the last time i ran and i didn't lift this week and that probably explains why i feel the way i do.

the weirdest thing. coming home from Downingtown.. i started seeing 3's everywhere.. like i made the right decision and i'm on the right path. trust the process.. the process sucks at times.. and its hard to trust anything..

i have to tell Madison Aunt Joanne is sick.I want to do it before my Mom does. i think Maddy has my Mom blocked.. but i really should tell her. weird thing, when i use to cry everyday you couldnt tell.. i would cry on my lunch break and return to work and my eyes looked fine. i haven't been crying and now when i do.. its so noticeable..

I need to get a new couch and get rid of the one i have. I would like to move but everything is so expensive.. i'm not sure what i am going to do.. i guess i'll keep looking and hope that something good comes my way..