yearningandpatheticaboutit

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

despite its flaws, despite the mess it became, despite everything, dsmp truly will always hold a special place in my and so many others heart, and i think that’s what makes it beautiful. the love.

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

you guys will NOT believe what just happened to L'Manburg ..

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

"i would say we always have eatch other but at the end of the day, we dont" ccrime. i want to kill. cwilb (watching nov 16th vod)

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

Will speak for yourself end with 20 chapters??

Hi!

Im hoping to end it in 20 chapters, but if I dont want to make the chapters overly lengthly I'll just add more xx

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 17: SAINTS AND SINNERS

WC: 5560

warnings: death, blood, mentions of 🍇, sa, violence, drugs, murder etc.

prev chapter

***

Yaera

"santo falcone made me give anya the drugs that killed her."

im sitting in my living room with my parents, with our legal representative sitting beside me. i knew this would happen, my parents quizzed me all night on my whereabouts and demanded to know the truth. even though the "truth" was not what they liked, i kept calm and let myself be questioned. the entire stance is that i have nothing to hide after all.

but that doesnt mean they believed me.

it was an uphill battle, getting to this part. even as they sit and look at me, i see the cloud of doubt in their eyes. they dont believe me at all.

"and what was your relationship like with the deceased?" the investigating officer asks me.

"they simply modelled together," my mother butt in before i could answer. "anya was three years yaera's senior. they did not see each other often."

the investigative officer looks at me for confirmation. i nod.

"and the last time you saw the deceased?"

"at an organized event," i say. "my parents and everyone was there. its where santo made me give the drugs to her. she took some infront of me and was fine."

"what was the behaviour of the victim like?"

victim? my parents told me anya's death was immediately ruled a drug overdose. she had that shit all in her veins. why is it that we're using words such as "victim". it implies someone other than herself was involved.

but i guess now with my story, thats the angle we're going with.

"she was like herself...a little more erratic than usual. she was excited to see me."

"and why is that?"

"we were friends?"

the investigative officer hums and writes something down on his notepad. i look to my lawyer who shakes her head, assuring me we have nothing to worry about.

"i thought you didnt know each other that well?"

"it feels like youre trying to look for a story where there is none, officer min. my client has done nothing wrong. shes an 18 year old girl who was coerced by a man in position of power," my lawyer says firmly.

"miss irina muñoz and miss claire galizia alleges that miss marino sold miss jelavić bags of pills that she mixed with cocaine, which then resulted in her death. that is a serious claim which has to be looked into. drug trafficking carries more of a weight than possession."

"i dont know why they would say that. ive never been on any drugs," i say. "ive done some underage drinking, but thats it. santo manages those girls, he feeds their drug habits. i dont know anything about this!"

"according to mr and mrs marino, both miss muñoz and miss galizia have been admitted for drug abuse in the past. they were forgiven because mr and mrs marino have known them since they were girls. it is possible that they have relapsed and fed lies while under drug induced psychosis. they are models and are often overworked, im sure you know how things are, mr min?" my lawyer added in.

"hmmm." the officer gets up from my parents couch and tucks his pen into the pocket of his suit.

"i'll be in contact, mr and mrs marino. i'll have to contact mr falcone for his piece on this. so far we have opposing accounts from both parties, which proves there is dispute. we'll open a docket soon."

the officer leaves our home, and i swear my parents breathe for the first time. my father is pinching the bridge of his nose. i dont know how to feel. they're going to open a case.

i cried when i realized anya was really gone. of course i cared about her. the tears stopped when i realized irina and claire ratted me out for no goddamn reason. i didnt feed her those fcking drugs. she was on hard shit regardless of my involvement.

"dont worry, they have nothing on you," my lawyer says and smiles at me. "the most he can do is apply for a warrant to search your house and the judge loves me, i'll make sure it doesnt get approved. as for now, dont go anywhere, you might be under surveillance, your hang out spots may be under surveillance as well. if you have any digital footprint relating to the sale of paraphernalia, let me know immediately."

my digital footprint was an old nokia phone with no gps, untraceable calls and no real existence because i smashed that phone to bits in san's apartment and scattered its remains on my way home.

"can i talk to you ms kim?" i ask her.

"call me dahyun."

"speak infront of us," my mother demands.

i shake my head. "no, im sorry. i really need a moment alone with her."

my mother looks at me enraged. "a moment alone–?"

"its fine, mrs marino," dahyun says with a smile. "im sure she just wants peace of mind."

i take her up to my room, where ive started to fucking stress. she sits down on my bed and looks at me with concern.

"are you worried about something, yaera?"

"no ones gonna know what we speak about, right? even if you find out im guilty?"

dahyun straightens herself and gives me a stern look. "there is complete confidentiality between a client and her lawyer. if you are guilty, i will always act in your best interests. its my job to always secure the best outcome for you, yaera."

"okay. can calls be recorded? on an old nokia phone?"

"no, but cellphone records can be kept and found through the nearest cell tower. this only gives you a general location of where the call was made though, not who its from or what was discussed on the call. they're usually kept for 6 months to 2 years. why? is there something youre worried about?"

im relieved, but tears start to pool in my eyes from i dont know what. i flick them off my cheek quickly.

"i had a call with the girls about the drugs on a second phone, which i destroyed after i found out anya overdosed. i just dont wanna look more guilty," i say weakly.

"its fine, yaera. thank you for being honest about it. you dont worry about looking guilty, that man coerced you. and coercion is a valid defense. is there anything else i should know about him?"

i tell her about that night. i let it all spill out. his attempt to assault me, what he did to me and my sister for years. by the end of it, dahyun is looking at me like i gave her a solid case.

"thank you for that, yaera. im sorry to hear about what happened with you and your sister. i should get working on this case as soon ASAP," she says, picking up her briefcase. "i'll keep in touch."

dahyun leaves my room and my parents are quick to barge in. i dont know if they were close by the entire time, but they were properly angry by the time they got to me.

"do you have any idea what you have gotten us into?" my mother says. "we will have to go against santo!"

there it is, the rush. the rush of getting out of here. the glimpse of hell that is being under their scrutiny and scope once again. ive had a good streak of behaving so far. its a pity anya had to break it.

my mother looks at my hopelessly. "really yaera?" she sighs. "please, please if you gave that girl the drugs, just admit it to us."

"this is going to disappear in 2 weeks anyway," my father adds on. "you might as well tell the truth."

they really think i did it. its laughable. i havent once had a run in with drugs. ive had a problem with smoking and drinking, but not once have i put my nose to a counter or even touched a joint. they know this, and yet they think its still possible.

"so you think i did it?" i smile bitterly. "you really think im capable of it?"

believing seasoned druggies over me. god, they hurt my heart.

"for what reason would irina and claire have to lie, yaera? they are your friends!" my mother snaps, fed up. "for gods sake! please, just spare us all and tell the truth, yaera. i dont know what to do with you anymore, really. you have hurt this family over and over."

"we give you EVERYTHING!" she cries out, actual tears rolling down her face. "and you do this to us. every single time its like our name means nothing to you!"

seeing my mother cry fills me up with rage i didnt even know i could pull out of me.

"fuck your family name," i seethe. my parents stare at me in utter shock. "your family name meant nothing when you chose santo over believing me. so many fucking times, you refused to go against him. you dont even realize how much YOU have hurt us by putting us under the eyes of that man. that fucking predator, do you even know what hes done to me? to US?"

"he tried to rape me. he tried to fucking rape me the night of that event. he had a whole relationship with yasmine when she was alive. when i stopped modelling, it was because he kept fucking molesting me. and you didnt see it, OVER AND OVER IT WAS INFRONT OF YOU. MY SHAME. MY FEAR. I WAS IN PAIN AND ALL YOU CARED ABOUT WAS THE FACT THAT I DIDNT WANT TO MODEL FOR YOU ANYMORE. FUCK YOU!"

throughout my rant, my screaming just got worse until i was left a sobbing mess. my parents just stood there like the lackluster humans they are. useless. disappointing. utterly unhelpful.

"what do you say now?" i laugh through my tears. "nothing to say about your perfect little santo?"

"he...he tried to..." my father stutters. and its the first time in my whole life he doesnt speak with conviction.

"yes, pàpa. he tried to hurt me. he almost succeeded."

and he would have. if san hadnt walked through those doors. and after that, i would have honestly killed myself.

my mother breaks down sobbing and drops down on my bed, holding her head in her hands. it isnt enough for me to see her like this. i feel nothing towards her.

"why did you never tell us?" my father asks. "really yaera, why?"

"why would i tell you anything. ask yourself if you are really good parents. if i can come to you for anything besides money and a way out of jail."

"that is not fair," my father says, shaking his head. "we have given you everything."

"but you did not keep me safe," i whisper defeatedly. "not from him. not even yasmine."

my father finds a spot on my carpet to stare at and i see a single tear drop stain the folds. i cant stand to see them process it. if they cant handle it, imagine how i felt.

all those times. over and over.

i wipe my face with the back of my hand and straighten myself. "i told dahyun everything. she'll use it to take him down," i say and walk to my door, grabbing a jacket off the hanger and shrugging it on.

"dont wait up for me. im not coming home tonight."

they dont try to stop me from leaving. i dont think they'll be able to, ever again.

***

san

wooyoung and i hang out on the rooftop of mao's club, overlooking the dried out city infront of us. wooyoung leisurely sips on a beer as he leans on the parapet, staring at the late afternoon sun over his sunglasses as though we're in some movie.

that's the thing with him really. he romanticized this gang life so often that i think he forgot how far things can go. how bad it can get. wooyoung was never the kind of guy to think things through till it was too late. he thought things wrapped up on their own, just like in the movies.

i used to get angry as hell at him. he was in this gang longer than me, yet we didnt see things the same way at all. its like he never really feared for his life, because in his head he'd never lose it. he was the main character with plot armour.

watching yunho die was the nail in the coffin. that illusion shattered completely.

"are you sure with taking on everything yourself?" woo asks me. "i dont want that shit on your conscience man. i fucked up, it shouldnt have to be you."

me doing it myself was the only way i'd be satisfied that we'd have a job well done. "i told you it wont bother me. i just want to get this shit over with, i'll get over whatever guilt i feel."

thats to say if i'll even feel guilty. i think the world would be safer without that hongjoong fucker walking around.

woo takes a swig of his beer, gulping it loudly. he takes off his glasses and tosses it aside, turning to look at me solemnly.

"im sorry for everything man. i know i probably ruined your life."

i pat his shoulder lightly and sigh. "dont take all the credit. you know that's my old man's work. we cant take back what happened. lets just work on making it out alive."

woo looks like he wants to cry with how his face scrunches, but no tears come. "i didnt think we'd separate so early. i knew you'd have to leave me to do some big boy job...but this isnt how i wanted things to end."

wooyoung in hong kong and me in cuba. i think its safe to say neither of us are ever going to see each other again. it makes my chest hurt.

"i'd rather have us apart than have us both dead over some bullshit like this," i say, hoping it comforts him. ive never been good at this whole talking about your feelings thing.

woo snorts and looks at his hands absentmindedly. "at least you won't be alone right? i guess this girl must be the real deal, sticking with you till the end."

i dont even want to smile about it. it comforts me a lot, knowing i wont be alone. knowing she'll be there till the end.

but then i imagine a few months from now. we make it out alive. we make it to cuba. yaera and i are together there. somehow shit goes sideways and she ends up in deeper shit. a crossfire she shouldnt be apart of.

that night when i left her, i pictured her dead body full of stab wounds and bullet holes. it made me physically ill. i couldnt even speak to her normally after that. my fear was paralysing.

"if i could, i'd leave her behind," i admit. "just to keep her safe."

knowing her, she'd kill me for it. and possibly never forgive me. just like me, yaera doesnt have much to live for here. ive seen her life and i'd run away from it as much as her if i had to go through all of that. our current reality was already considered the past. and even if we returned to it, nothing would be there for us anymore.

her and i were each others futures. despite everything, the way we started off and where we were now, i cant say i regret meeting her. i think shes the only thing that saved me from ending it all as soon as things were going bad. the one person who cared enough to bother me in every way, yeah she had her motives, but i know at some point, things like that stopped mattering.

we saw the worst parts of each other and yet...yet we still chose to go through all of this together. she had a choice. she couldve left whenever she wanted. but she never did. that soothed something in me. something i didnt realize i was always afraid of.

i think yaera marino saved me.

"you love her, huh?" woo hums. i know just from the mention of that word that my face is red because it feels warm. "i think she loves you too."

"i dont know. all i know is, i'd kill anyone that tried to hurt her. she'd do the same for me. thats what i know."

woo rolls his eyes at me. i know he thinks im a lost cause emotionally but hes not the one that gets to talk. i dont know what half my feelings are, all i know is i have them, they choke me up sometimes. sometimes they make me feel really weak and soft. i wont go slapping a label on everything, like that label would make things more sensible to me.

"i want you to see me off," woo says, thankfully changing the subject from yaera. "at the abandoned shipyard. after everything. least we should be able to do is say goodbye."

"so i get to see you off but you wont see me off at the airport," i halfjoke. "you're a real leech, you know that?"

woo smiles, its something of a defeated one. because thats really what we are–defeated. once we leave, everything will go to shit. im just glad i wont be leaving any family behind to possibly get hurt. and the one person i care about is coming with me.

"damn. after we do this, Miss A is going to get so much shit from the Black Dragons. shit is going to be all out war."

"no turning back now," i sigh. i cant say that i care too much about inconveniencing Miss A. she ruined my fucking life. she kind of deserves to sit with a mess. "plus, im sure she can find another lackey to help clean up whatever when we're gone. our errand-boy days are clean over."

woo shrugs. "we're helping her though, right? taking out the 2 biggest problems in the Black Dragons. this is the only way we'll send a real message."

fuck the message. i couldnt care less. i just wanted to give that witch what she wanted, take the money i made then disappear.

"no matter what, we're in this together. we started this mess together, that's how we'll end it," i tell him. wooyoung smiles at me, holding out his beer toward me. i dont resist, taking it by the neck and gulping down the rest of it. it burns my throat and i toss the bottle to the ground.

"hong kong is gonna be lame without you," woo whines. "mao's boys are gonna have me speaking fucking cantonese. im gonna have to roll with a whole new crew. you know how batshit those triads are?"

"hey, just imagine it'll be just like that video game you like," i tease him. "whats it called? watch dogs?"

"sleeping dogs," woo corrects me with a glare. "and fuck no. the main character's friend dies at the end, i am not trying to be like him."

well that was dark. "you'll play the story differently. way better."

"shut up. youre trying to hype me up when youre gonna be out there playing house with your woman. fucking cuba? you're knocking her ass up in a few months, i can already tell."

"i cant have kids right now," i mutter. though, it wouldnt stop me from trying. "i think the both of us just want peace. i'll see if she still cares about me when i dont bring any danger to her life anymore."

woo snorts. "if you're still looking for proof, you're a blind and deaf man."

my phone buzzes in my pocket. i completely wanted to toss it but i knew Miss A would start tripping and sending minions of her own after us if she couldnt reach me of all people. i expect messages from her, but all of them are from yaera.

i feel my head spinning reading it. she tells me that one of her friends died overdosing on our drugs and that she'll take care of everything. she has the nerve to tell me not to stress afterward, she booked the flight tickets, and that shes sleeping at my apartment tonight. at the end she tells me not to come home because theres a chance she might be under surveillance.

what the fuck?

"did she tell you shes pregnant or something?" woo nosily asks. i look up from my phone and scowl at him. he shrugs. "hey! i know you guys have been going at it like rabbits. i can see it on your aura."

"shut the fuck up woo, oh my god," i groan and show him the messages. woo shakes his head, looking both impressed and disturbed.

"i gotta say man, ive never seen two people more compatible. both your lives are absolutely shit. with the way you guys live, i can never guess what the hells going to happen next. least she gave you a heads up."

"you're one to talk," i fire back. "and as if that makes me worry less."

now i would have all of that in the back of my mind. one of mao's gangsters comes through the roof access door and calls for us to come down. our movie bonding cinematic scene was over i guess.

***

yaera

santo has never stopped trying to contact me since anya died. he probably heard i was throwing him under the bus, and now he wanted the truth. i'd give him that and more.

my phone rings again while i loiter around san's apartment, looking around for anyone suspicious. theres a telephone booth nearby, and i walk to it, punching in a coin as i dial his number.

"pronto?" santo answers.

"hey, its yaera," i say, and for a moment theres a brief pause before santo starts breathing heavily.

"tesoro..." still calling me that, arent you? "im so sorry for what happened at the gala...but what you are doing now...it is unforgivable. i cant allow it."

"you're right, santo," i sigh into the speaker, watching the cars blankly pass me by. "i really am sorry. my head is a mess, i cant handle anya's death and everything is confusing."

"why did you blame me?" he sounds hurt. what a fucking lunatic. "i would never hurt her. or you, or anyone?"

i smile, my hand gripping the phone tighter. "i want to fix things," i tell him. "can i see you, please?"

he pauses. i can imagine his fucked up smile behind the screen. "did it really take anya dying for you to finally say you want to see me?"

"get me at the old park tonight at eleven. on 78th avenue. i'll explain everything."

"why at a park? let me take you to dinner."

"i might be under surveillance, santo. and you might be too. i want us to talk with no interference, im scared of what it will look like if anyone sees us."

he sighs. "yes you are right... i will see you tonight. i look forward to sorting this out, tesoro."

"me too. ciao." i dont wait for him to answer back and slam the phone back into its holder. some old guy behind me looks at me strangely and i make my way up to san's apartment.

when i get there, i start making myself some eggs. when im in the kitchen, i noticed some of his fish died. san's been gone for a while so he hasnt replaced the water or fed them, and only one is left swimming around the tank. i watch as it slowly cruises in the greying water, all the dead mollys floating at the top of the tank.

tragic.

with all the bad shit thats been going on, i feel as clearheaded as can be. its scary to me, how calm i am at this very moment. a knock on the door holds back my foreboding thoughts and i go and check who it is.

i open the door slightly, seeing an asian man behind it. immediately as im looking at him, i know hes bad news. probably one of san's other gang members. fuck it, i know hes going to get mad at me for not listening to him about coming here.

"hello?" the man says, sounding confused. "sorry, does choi san live here?"

"no sorry," i smile despite my growing nerves. "i think you have the wrong apartment."

"huh..." the guy smiles, and its unsettling. "so you live here? whats your name?"

"i cant just give out my name to strangers, amore," i flash a flirty smile to throw him off. "i'll tell you mine if you tell me yours."

"my name's hongjoong," the guy's smile grows and i have to stop mine from fading. i know hes not one of san's guys. in fact, i think hes the reason they have to go missing.

showing straight up to his apartment? was he going to kill san? does he know about me?

"thats a cute name. im marina," i hold out my hand and he shakes it firmly. "well hongjoong, i cant help you. but i hope you find who you're looking for."

"i hope so too, sweetheart. you have a good day."

hongjoong starts walking away and i dont go back into the apartment until i see him disappear into the lift. when hes out of view, i quickly lock the door and call san. it irritates me when he doesnt answer, and i decide to drop it because i know hes going to force me to leave the apartment.

that guy was going to kill san. but what the fuck did he think was going to happen, was he just going to show up and shoot him? come in and have some tea first?

god we have to get the hell out of here. these problems are becoming bigger than us. throughout the night i check the door to make sure hongjoong doesnt return, having done my research on him on san's slow ass wifi. the fact that i was flirting with someone who would have driven a machete clean into my gut is insane, but probably on brand for me.

san answers me when im getting ready to leave. i put on his hoody and mask, along with his black beanie. he calls me persistently right as im about to leave.

"hello?"

"why the fuck are you still there yaera?" san snaps at me instantly. "god, cant you listen to me for once? what if hes waiting for you there? what if he follows you?"

i cant guarantee that he wont, but i cant let him feel right. "he wants you, san. not me."

"hes a gangster!" san sounds like hes going to burst a vein. "a ruthless killer. and you're close to me, you dont think he'd rip you away from me on the spot?"

i sigh, at least i know he gives a fuck on whether i live or die now. "i know, i know. im leaving right now."

"its almost eleven, where the hell are you going?"

"to meet santo."

"what?"

san's voice in deep in confusion and its because i havent told him. was never planning to. this is something i needed to do alone.

"i want you to come get me tonight. can you do that?" i ask hopefully. "i cant go back home. not with everything going on."

"yaera..." san groans. "fuck. fine. where should woo and i pick you up?"

"outside the park. i need you to come as soon as you can."

"what are you going to do?"

"you'll know once i see you. bye, take care."

i hang up, and i know its fucked up but i need to be in the right head space. sans been my grounding force for a while, but i know i'll never be at peace with that fucker still being around. i need to end it all.

the park is dark and quiet, the faint light of the streetlamps barely making a dent in the darkness. the sounds of my converse crunching on the grass are accompanied by owls and the chirping of crickets, and the full moon is the the brightest thing in the sky. there arent even any clouds.

i take my seat on a bench near a lamp that looks like its on its last life. no ones around. i figured there'd be at least one ranger roaming, but i guess tonight was my lucky night.

no witnesses. just me and him.

santo emerges from the darkness, wearing a suit and his shitty fade is the first thing i see. he pauses in his tracks when he sees me, his face unreadable. i stand up and lower my mask, then i tuck my hands inside san's hoodie for warmth.

"tesoro," he says breathlessly. "how good to finally get you alone."

"you too," i say but dont move. neither does he.

"i didnt want things to be this way," he says. "really, throughout everything i just wanted to love you. and i wanted you to love me."

"like yasmine loved you?" i scoff with a wry smile.

his face falls. i cant believe he thinks i dont fucking know.

he laughs, genuinely shocked. "and where does that come from?"

"you were seeing her the whole time you were molesting me. only difference is, she fucking liked your attention. unlike me who'd rather die than be under your filthy gaze. i know everything. you probably killed her, didnt you?" i daringly say.

he stands there, his face darkening with my every word. its like hes remembering it all.

"so why did you do it?" i ask when he doesnt respond. "did she threaten to expose you for the trash you are?"

"i would never hurt anyone–"

"you tried to fucking rape me!" i scream. "more than once. you're capable of fucking anything!"

"i was trying to love you," he corrects me and starts coming closer. he stops right infront of me, his breath almost fanning my face.

"but you were always an ungrateful bitch and could never accept anything good. you deserve nothing. at least your sister was an angel. you? you are rotten, yaera. your eyes are empty. you have no light inside you."

"you took it from me," i seethe. "you took fucking everything from me."

he chuckles lowly, daring to smile in my face as he looks me up and down. "not everything. i still havent made you feel like a woman."

crazy how he thinks someone as hot as me is still a virgin.

"you've made me feel like nothing," i say. "you ruined me. youre a fucking rapist and a pedophile."

"really?" he tilts his head to the side. "well, if youre so ruined, then we must throw broken toys in the trash, dont you think?"

in a flash, santo grabs my face, maneuvering me around so he can choke me out with his elbow. i gasp at the sudden movement, clawing at his arm as he applies pressure.

"you want to know what happened to your sister?" he grits through his teeth. "fine, i'll take you to the same place as her. maybe you'll be happy with me then."

i reach back for his clothes, kicking the air hard till he swings me wildly. santo smacks into a tree with his back and momentarily loses his grip on me, and i grip the back of his suit into a fist before flipping him over my body and onto the floor. he tries to stand up but i stomp on his chest, pulling san's gun from the pocket of his hoodie. santo freezes when he sees the mouth of the gun pointed at his face.

"yaera..." he chokes, his hands going up in surrender.

"you fucking cunt," i growl. "i almost killed myself over what you did to me back then. now, i know the only one who should be dead is you."

he stares at me blankly, his breathing hard and erratic. he tries to quickly get up but i pull the trigger on him, grazing him in the arm. the first shot goes off and breaks the silence of the park. santo lets out a crushed scream, and i kick him across the face with the tip of my converse.

"you wouldnt..." he starts laughing erratically. "you wouldnt kill me. you're a fucking child. you dont have the heart–"

i aim for his head, firing another bullet, hitting the centre of his face.

smoke drifts from his mouth as his blank eyes stare into the sky. i see a pool of black appearing on the side of his head. its over.

its over.

i fire another bullet. and another. and another. i fire until the gun stops me with an empty click, till santo's face is full of leaking holes. then, i walk away, stepping over his body, pulling san's mask back over my nose.

***

tagslist: @mountiiny @brown88 @sansonlygf @mingkisbitch @yutaslaugh

if i missed anyone in the tagslist, please let me know.

next chapter

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

seo moonjo is the guy of all time. also i am mentally unwell.

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

CHAPTER 16: WOOYOUNG

wc: 5242

warnings: mention of death, violence, drugs etc, SMUT

prev chapter

***

san

i remembered that wooyoung was afraid. he was scared of what would happen if miss A ever found out he shot mingi and deliberately antagonized a hotshot black dragon. looking back, i thought the black dragons would be anatagonized anyway because we caused shit in their side of town to get yunho back, it shouldnt be this big of a deal.

so why are so many bad things happening?

i didnt go to school today. i emailed all my teachers a forged sick note, claiming i couldnt leave the house because i went to the doctor and got diagnosed with sinisitic dizzy spells. most of my teachers are really helpful and good people, so they sent me the work they did for the day so i wouldnt miss out.

being a 'delight to have in class' aka a quiet smart kid who wasnt a pain in the ass had its perks sometimes. regardless, i used my morning to get all my money ready, of which i had just over enough to go to miss A to get her off my back.

when i get there, the place is crawling with old gangsters. miss A is screaming at people and when she sees me she's shocked, as if surprised i actually had guts to show my face. shes propped behind a round steel table in her garage, leaning back in her chair and the room goes silent as her eyes are on me.

"look who it is," she says to me, dipping her cigarette in her ashtray. "Lucky, you better have good news for me."

i bow to her and put the potato sack of money on the table. unfortunately i didnt have anything really fancy like a briefcase. im a fucking gangster on a budget.

she glares at me. "potatoes? is this some kind of joke?"

three guys restrain me out of nowhere, holding a knife under my throat. my breath gets stuck in my throat and i only manage to force out one thing. "m-money."

she doesnt tell them to let me go, which pisses me off. what the hell did i do to make her this mad? she lifts the opening of the sack and only when she sees the cash does she wave the gangsters to get off of me.

they drop me so hard i fall with my butt on the floor and i make no real move to get up in case they jump me again. instead i get to kneeling. "miss A, that's the money from all the dealings."

"i can see that. oh wow, you actually decided to be useful," miss A says, getting up and coming up to me. she puts her hand down on my hair and gently scratches it like you would a dog and i struggle to not show any fear. "if only wooyoung could be like you."

her words make me sweat. "where is wooyoung, miss A?"

i swear, if she laid a hand on him. i dont know what i would do, but no one here, including me, would be left alive.

her eyes darken. "i was actually hoping you would tell me, Lucky. your brother has become a magician. a cold case."

she doesnt know? did wooyoung actually skip town?

"i told him to bring me the hand of who killed my boys or else i would have his. he hasnt been back in days."

fuck. this is bad. im actually starting to get dizzy.

someone rolls into the garage, and my face drops in horror at the man and his disfigured, burnt face. hes in a wheelchair, an armbrace and has a bandage wrapped over everything but his mouth and eyes.

"you and your buddy got changbin and a lot of good boys killed. look what they did to seonghwa." miss A says.

that's fucking seonghwa? he looks fucked. hes never recovering. he wouldve been better off dead. now he really looks like something out of a horror movie, a real, terrifying disfigured butcher.

"that hongjong motherfucker," miss A laughs but there's nothing joyful in it. "he came into MY warehouse, burnt MY cargo, killed MY men. and all because he was looking for you two."

im struggling to breathe. i dont show it but im silently breaking down. i cant take my eyes off seonghwa. thats it? thats my future? i might as well kill myself. seonghwa killed yunho, he was one of the topdogs in the gang. im fucking nothing. if thats what that hongjoong guy could do to him then its over for me.

"he said that?" is all i can get out. miss A lifts my chin and forces me to look at her.

"you're not a boy anymore, Lucky. you'll always be a baby in my eyes, but its time for you to get serious, dont you think?" she tells me. "wooyoung is gone. so someone has to fix this. you know the rules, you make a mess, and you clean it up."

"miss A-" i start stammering. i feel like im going to cry. "we didnt do anything. we never even met that hongjoong guy. wooyoung shot mingi because he tried to kill him. it was in self defence."

"did i ask for an account of what happened?" miss A's voice drips with sarcasm. "i dont care who did what. but my boys paid the price. i wont let an attack on my turf go unpunished. you find wooyoung and you two will go and kill that fucker or i'll have you swimming in a fishtank with the rest of yunho. am i clear?"

fuck no. fuck my life is over. i just started having sex and now i have to die. this is a fucking nightmare.

"yes, ma'am," i nod my head. "when do you want this done?"

"before my boys suffer another attack. he wants you, so let him come."

"you won't find him," seonghwa says and he sounds like a lays packet trying to talk. his voice is raspy and sounds terrible. "he only shows when he wants to be found. and he wanted to be found that day. so make him come to you."

i dont want him anywhere near me! i want to scream. look at what the fuck he did to you.

i have to run away. i have to do it tonight. i have to take everything. i cant think clearly, my brain is beating so hard i can feel it in my ears.

i nod and get up and miss A distractedly starts counting the money. "so you got the money fast. i always knew you could do it, you were just lazy before, yeah?"

i had help, i want to say. yaera's stealing, her savings, wooyoung stealing all mingi's gambling winnings, fucking jongho. i couldnt have done this on my own. i would have been dead by the end of this month.

i did all that, just to stay alive. only to have another target on my head. this...it never fucking ends. its only going to get worse. i cant win. this game, its unbeatable.

i almost want to laugh out of pure irony. and yaera wanted me to ask miss A for a fixed amount. she wanted to help me pay off my dads bullshit debt. im never going to be free.

my hopes and dreams are gone.

"you still have your dad's gun right?" miss A asks me. i say yes in the smallest voice.

she smiles. "you better get to using it then, Lucky."

i leave miss A's garage with nothing left in the tank. nothing but another assignment. an assignment that will kill me.

im the sacrificial fucking lamb. why is she doing this to me? because she thinks i can do it? because she wants to get rid of me? i did what she asked of me. i got her yunho. i got her the drug money. now she wants me to kill an assassin? an assassin that already has a bodycount of seven?

and hes brutal. four of those were other gangsters, luckily none of those were ours at the time, but he guts every one of his enemies. he was connected to a murder of a prostitute. and cut out the stomachs and sliced off the hands of two guys who apparently looked at his sister.

what the FUCK am i getting into.

i get home and i dont know what to do. everything comes crashing down on me. i throw my fist into the picture frames on the wall, sending glass bursting everywhere. i look at the picture of my parents, feeling nothing but burning hatred. i hate them both. i hate my mother for leaving me behind in this shit life and i fucking hate that bullshit excuse of a sperm donor for killing me.

he killed me. he signed my death sentence.

i start tearing everything apart. im ripping my apartment to shreds because nothing matters. this is all useless, nothing, i wouldnt fucking miss this place. i have nothing but awful memories here. but my anger doesnt last. it comes crashing down so fast that im left to collapse next to my bed and i cant stop myself from crying.

its over for me. everything is.

i had nothing to begin with. nothing except...

without even thinking, my bleeding hand reaches for my phone on my desk and calls her. she picks up on the first ring.

"san?" her voice is comforting and i dont know why. i dont fucking know this girl. she doesnt know me. but shes all i have. and i dont even reall have her. "are you okay? you never call me."

i cant even speak, im heaving into the microphone and sniffling uncontrollably.

"san?" she sounds more concerned. oh shes concerned for me. thats nice. i'll remember how nice it feels when i die.

"c-can you come over, please?"

i dont even recognize my voice. its cracking and its like the pained whimper of an animal. she puts off the phone and i wrap myself around my bedsheets, curling into a pathetic ball.

shes here within 15 minutes. i dont know how she got here so fast. she was supposed to be at school. it was still one period before lunch. she must have been skipping. i wish i skipped more class now that i know im not going to live very long. studying all that shit was pointless. i should have been living like her. like i dont have a care in the world. but i cant. and i never could.

she walks into my apartment with her eyes wide, dropping her blazer off her shoulders and onto my dirty floor. "what the hell happened? are you okay?" she runs and puts herself infront of me.

"did someone break in?" she holds my wet face. i never stopped crying. not once. she looks horrified seeing me this way. i cant imagine how bad i must look. "oh my god."

she hugs me. she hugs me and i grip her so tightly till i feel my lungs tighten. the tears are pouring harder now. im staining her white blouse.

"im going to die," i choke out. "they're going to kill me."

"what?" she gasps. "who?"

i try to speak but i dont stop crying. this is fucking awful. she shushes me and lets me continue, rubbing my hair in the softest way that makes me hope i wont die, just so that i'd experience it more than once.

"im here, dont worry."

of course you are. you're always here. always invading my apartment. always working on my nerves. always in my head since i fucking met you. i wish i didnt take that for granted for as long as i did. if i knew this was all i'd have left.

i dont know what possesses me. i pull away from her, my hands drift up to the buttons of her blouse. im careful so she knows i wont hurt her the way he did. she watches my bleeding knuckles, looking at me with tender eyes. she doesnt stop me. i flick open the first button as she stands above me.

"can i?" i choke out. "this is all i have."

she starts removing her own buttons. "you dont even have to ask," she tells me.

she trusts me so much. if this is all i have left then i dont want to destroy it.

she drops her blouse, revealing her bronze, skin bare skin and black bra. the sun in my blinds isnt doing her justice. i reach behind her and unclip her bra and her boobs spill out right in my face. her skin is warm. shes so warm. she lifts my ugly brown hoodie off my body, trailing her hand down my stomach.

her touch feels like satin. i dont deserve it. she doesnt deserve this.

"i-i dont want to use you as a coping mechanism," i tell her but im talking to a wall. i dont want to but i am. im going to die and all i want to do is fuck her one last time. there isnt enough time in the world.

she kisses me sorely, with way too much emotion for what we really are. two broken, fragile people. we have no business with each other, but she kisses me like i mean something.

"for you, san, i'd let you use me however you want," she whispers against my lips. "as long as its you."

i feel my heart pain. i want to cry again but my dick is hard and i can only focus on two things at once. so i deal with my boner first.

i slide down her thin, pink underwear from under her skirt and it drops to her ankles. she steps out of it and pulls my sweatpants out from under me, immediately sliding herself onto my dick.

she moans softly into my ear and it feels like heaven. shes like heaven wrapped in one complicated woman. she could destroy me. she could ask to end me and i would let her.

i'd rather it be you than anyone else.

i grip her softly and my hands are stinging but i dont care. i feel weak. but somehow with her here, it doesnt hurt as much. shes riding me slowly, its crazy how without any foreplay shes already drenched down there. i guess she does like me a little.

she peppers kisses all over my neck as i hold her up, losing my mind as she slowly sinks and rises onto me. i never fucking liked our stupid school uniform but seeing it on her like this, with her on me, just makes me lose my mind. jongho doesnt fucking know what he missed out on.

"you know i care about you right?" she whispers into my ear. "its about more than just the money. you know that right?"

my lips her are on her chest and i kiss her there slowly. "i know," i mutter. actually i didnt know that. i dont know what the fuck she sees in a dickhead like me.

"good," she says, then pushes me down to my back. she adjusts herself to straddle me properly but i cant watch her struggle to please me. i get back up and flip her under me, pushing her back down gently when she tries to protest.

"but-"

"i want you to feel the way you make me feel," i say. and i never thought i'd ever utter words like that. fuck, no wonder everyone thought i was gay.

i drag my lips down her perfect, sculpted torso and plant them onto her shivering, wet hole. she whimpers weakly as i stick my tongue inside, slowly impaling her with it. i dont care that im taking my time honestly. im going to die, so i might as well make this as long as it can.

i drink up her bitter juices, lapping my tongue across her slit. the moans she lets out are otherworldly, definetely worthy of a noise complaint. i dont mind it. i feel useful for once in my life. i slowly inch a finger into her warm hole, sucking on her pleasure button while im at it. i'd call it her clit, but thats too rough for me.

"san please," she begs. "i want you so bad, just fuck me already."

i stop at her request, getting up and over her. i line myself at her entrance, pushing in slowly. she throws her arms around my neck and the eye contact we have as i just lay there inside her is enough to make me drop it all. i'd drop it all and leave with her, wherever she wanted to go.

her hole feels like home. my dick fits perfectly inside her. its warm and hugs me and i cant get enough of it. i push in and out slowly, taking in her eyes. they havent left mine. her lips are parted in bliss, and i decide to kiss them. she moans into my mouth, and it feels like a fucking spell being casted on me. i accelerate the pace, and the lewd sounds of her squelching and our breaths syncing up are all that can be heard.

it turns around so fast. im fucking into her at a pace thats desperate. like if i fuck her any slower, its going to get taken away from me. everything will. her legs are wrapped around my waist and she clenches on me, as if she doesnt want me to ever leave. i dig my fingers into her skin, holding onto dear life as i feel myself getting closer.

"wait," she breathes. "i wanna do it standing up."

i pause mid stroke. "how?"

"against the wall. lift me."

i go along with it. we get up and she lays with her back against the wall, lifting her leg so i can put it in. i pick her up and she slides onto me perfectly, and this new angle makes my brain go foggy. its so much deeper and tighter, i can feel her soak onto me.

i start ramming into her against the wall and her hair is hanging down her face, making her look like a sexier version of the grudge. she looks utterly lost in it all, and its so enjoyable to watch. i feel like im doing something right seeing her looked so absolutely fucked out.

my legs grow weaker as i hit her walls, feeling myself getting closer to the edge. shes demanding, with her legs wrapped around me she wont stop till ive been emptied.

"you're so fucking perfect," she whisper-whines, and its enough for me to blow. i completely blow inside her and she creams on me at the same time, our juices mixed together like some fucked up smoothie.

i drop her and she doesnt remove her arms from my neck. instead she pulls my body towards her, till we're chest to chest, completely naked amd kisses me harder than she ever has before.

this isnt even because we're fucking. she just wants to do it. and honestly, i needed it so badly.

when she pulls away im left yearning for more. it makes me sick. "thank you," i tell her. "i needed this."

"i know," she says softly. "tell me everything."

***

after i tell yaera everything, we're sitting on the bed beside each other, a painful, weighing silence between us.

"what are you going to do?" she asks, sounding hopeless.

"i have to kill the guy. or miss A's going to kill me."

"the police?" she says but knows immediately it wont work.

"i'd die before miss A sees trial," i laugh emptily. "and i'd go to jail for sure. she has enough on me to make sure i'm wanted."

she's frowning. she's realizing money cant buy my freedom. or my life.

"after you kill that gangster...nothing will be the same," she says. "you'd have blood on your own hands."

i shrug and stare out of my window. "it ends here, yaera. for both of us."

she stands up abruptly and looks like she wants to break into sobs. "no you can't disappear after this. i still need you."

i smile weakly. hearing that makes me feel better. someone will miss me.

"when i'm gone, you can have my apartment. i have some money left over here, maybe you'll be able to get away for good. you'll never deal with that freak again."

she's not happy with my answer. "no, san. i dont want you to go. i dont want you to disappear. cant we catch a one way flight? can't we run? i'll run with you. i promise."

she actually wants to stay with me. when i dont answer yaera bends down infront of me, holding my hands. i cant believe how quickly things turned around. i have so much to lose.

"when you finish your business, we're getting the fuck out of here, okay? promise me. i'll get the tickets, i'll get everything ready. but promise me you'll come back to me."

i cant promise that i'll be alive. i want to, but i dont want to lie to her.

"i cant promise i'll make it back, yaera," i mutter. a tear rolls down her face. "and even if we run away, is this really sustaintable?"

"is what?"

"us?"

she scoffs. "i dont think now is the time to think of what we are. i dont care about defining this relationship, thats not important. all i know is, you're all i have."

"you're all i have too." i whisper.

"thats enough for me. so promise?"

"okay, i promise."

"good, now lets clean up here and pick a place on the map."

yaera and i spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning up my shattered apartment. i take my parents pictures and throw it in the spare room where i dont have to see it. when we're done, yaera makes herself at home and lays down in my bed watching youtube. i get dressed and she switches off her phone when she notices.

"where are you going?"

"remember those gangsters you met the night you followed me? im paying them a visit." i tell her.

"your dad's old gang...are you going to ask them to help you?"

"yeah. i wanna see if they've heard from wooyoung. get help where i can."

"okay. is it cool if i stay over?" she asks. "i dont feel like going home."

she doesnt even have to ask anymore. i say my goodbyes and make my way downtown.

getting into mao's place has always been shady, im surprised there are guys outside the door. they see me and are shocked to see me, letting me in and muttering shit in cantonese under their breaths.

i find mao sitting around a table and gambling and by god, i find wooyoung too.

he freezes when i see him and i have half the mind to beat the shit out of him. this is where hes been the whole fucking time?!

"sannie!" mao yelps with his cigarette dangling off his lips. "look we're finally good enough for him again! i heard you've been visiting everyone BUT me!"

i run across the room and catch wooyoung before he can run. then i pick him up and toss him into the closest wall. "you DICKHEAD!" i scream.

mao's men jump up from their seats and get between us. "woah woah woah!" mao shouts. "no fucking fighting under my roof! take that shit to the alley!"

"what the fuck man?!" wooyoung huffs. "arent you glad im alive?"

"you couldnt pick up a phone? you couldnt call me to let me know?" i snap. "i thought you fucking skipped town!"

"i had to toss my phone!" wooyoung stresses. "miss A is looking for me."

"i KNOW! I KNOW SHES LOOKING FOR YOU BECAUSE ITS BECOME MY PROBLEM, WOO!"

i start laughing hysterically. "we're fucked. we're both fucked because of you and i hope you know that."

wooyoung stands up, dusting himself off. he has a remorseful look on his face. fucking say something coward.

"i tried to keep you out of it," he admits shamefully. "i was gonna get it done."

"you were gonna kill hongjoong by yourself?" i scoff. "you'd be done for before you even do anything!"

"mao gave me a gun," woo says. i look to mao and he shrugs.

"you know about this?" i ask him.

"as long as he doesnt involve me, i dont mind helping out," mao says. "i dont want black dragons on this side of the world, but bae su ji is losing her touch."

"who the fuck is bae suji?" both woo and i ask angrily.

"Miss A."

"you know Miss A's government name?" woo questions. mao shrugs.

"we used to date in high school."

we're getting off track. im still fucking angry, i turn to wooyoung.

"so? let me hear this fucking plan of yours."

"i dont want you involved san. we cant both be dead."

it feels like my veins are going to pop. "she's going to KILL ME if i dont fucking do something about that hongjoogn fucker. he put seonghwa in a wheelchair and killed changbin. shes going to kill me if i dont get involved, woo, so just tell me the fucking plan."

"hongjoong's sister is getting married soon," mao interjects. "woo's gonna wipe him out there."

"and then im going to skip town for real," woo says with a dark look. "mao's arranged for me to go to hong kong. im gonna work for him there."

"you know who was also supposed to go to hongkong?" i laugh darkly. "yunho."

the room falls into uncomfortable silence aside from the sound of dominoes hitting the table.

"i'll be there, woo." i tell him. "im leaving town too."

"where are you going?" both mao and woo asks.

"im leaving with yaera," i answer woo only. mao is confused and wooyoung tells him its my girlfriend.

"you left Flor?" mao is shocked. i sigh remembering that yaera gave mao a fake name when she followed me. i dont dignify him with an answer.

"alright man," woo sounds defeated. "now you know. i didnt wanna keep in touch because i didnt want to make things worse."

"they're already bad, woo. you not telling me changed nothing."

ive calmed down significantly. i feel defeated but at least i know this bastard is alive.

"what about mingi?" i question. "he started this shit in the first place."

"im taking them both out," wooyoung says. "mingi's the groom. hongjoong's walking his sister down the aisle."

how convenient. two birds with one stone. now, how were we going to get out of it alive?

"WE, wooyoung," i correct him. "WE'RE taking them both out."

***

yaera

after i helped san clean up his rampage, i saw something interesting in his spare room.

i stare at the daewoo k5 in my hands, i never realized san was the kind to keep guns. with the way he lives, i guess i shouldnt be surprised. he needs it more than anything.

something dangerous popped into my mind when looking at it. the first thing i thought of was wiping santo off this earth.

wouldnt i be doing a good deed? taking that rapist, pedophile and fucking freak off this planet?

he called me again. from a different number. i never pick up unknown IDs because of him. but i picked up this time, and all i heard was him breathing harshly.

"i dont like being ignored, yaera. it hurts my heart. you dont want to know how i act when im hurt."

i wonder if yasmine found out, and thats how she ended up where she did.

i know he wasnt anywhere near her when she died, but the thought that he touched her the way he touched me...the fact that she enjoyed it. it was driving me insane. i feel myself losing it with every single thought that flashes by me.

i just want to leave. i want san to finish up his business, come out alive and free me from this place.

we decided on soroa, cuba. europe wouldnt be a good place for us to start over in. latin america would be fresh. its going to be better.

i tried to keep busy but my stomach ached for san. with every apartment i looked at, every beach and every municipality i imagined living in, i had a thought of san never seeing it. i feel so fucking helpless.

i cant fix any of this. i never could but ive never felt this cornered before now. if anything happens to him, i know im going to end up in a ward. i cant leave this place without him when he helped me get to this point.

my parents have left me so many missed calls. so have irina and claire. none from anya? thats weird. she always leaves me the most calls.

i decide to call irina back. i havent heard from them aside from drug related business so it'd be nice if she could take my mind off the fuckery thats been taking place. they always have the most interesting things to tell me. vacationing in saint tropez, partying in monaco, i'd love them to tell me about cuba.

irina picks up first ring. "hey girl–"

"you fucking bitch," she snares at me. i jolt up from the bed at her tone.

"hello?" i repeat in confusion.

"anya is DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!"

fire creeps up on my skin. it feels like all my hairs raising.

"w-what?"

"she fucking mixed whatever pill you gave her and she threw up all over herself. we fucking rushed her to hospital and she didnt make it!"

this has to be why my parents called me. oh my god. oh my god anya's dead.

"i dont know what you mean," is the first thing i say. probably not the best thing but its the first thing i could get out. there has to be people around her right now. i cant risk it.

"now you dont know what im talking about?" irina snaps. "you fucking killed her."

"anya has a history of drug abuse, irina. why are you blaming me for this? im sorry for what happened but dont call me with this bullshit ever again."

i quickly put off the phone and start hyperventilating. fuck this is a mess, my parents probably found out. they probably know. if i go home im screwed. i cant go home, they'll keep me there.

how do i stay out of this. i know i cant go to jail, none of them have any proof that i dealt them drugs. not a single shred of evidence. there are the cellphone records, but those calls cant get traced back to me. the phone's too old. i need to stay away from them.

i have to fix this, somehow. i cant unload it on san he has enough on his plate. but it sounds like ive made an enemy out of the closest thing i have to friends. i dont know what to do.

i look at the gun on my lap. i have to finish the story.

***

next chapter

tagslist: @sansonlygf @brown88 @yujispinkhair @mountiiny

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

Hey, how have you been doing? Its been so long since you updated, so i got a bit curious on how you are? I hope im not nagging cus i know how hard it is to write amazing stories such as yours. I hope you get to update soon and take care❤️

Hi! I have been doing very shabby I'm not going to lie, sorry for taking so long to answer 😭 I've been writing consistently but dealing with lots of things like psychosis, mental health and school I'm so sorry guys. I'll try to be consistent from here on out! The story isnt over dw ❤️ I appreciate the concern.

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 15: A FAMILIAR FACE

warnings: smut, unprotected sex (wrap it), mentions of sa, mentions of violence, mentions of stalking, mentions of pedophilia.

wc: 6353

prev chapter

***

yaera

i wake up feeling the sun on my bare boobs. i didnt have a single dream last night, but i remember everything. my face feels stiff and puffy from crying but god, the rest of me feels like i just woke up from paradise.

san's arm is draped over my stomach. i look down at him and he's playing a game on his barely functional phone. i giggle seeing his fingers slide across the cracks and it makes him look up at me.

"oh you're awake. morning," he immediately sits up, taking his arm with him.

"morning," i mumble out and stretch my arms, and san's eyes immediately drift to my boobs. "you should really get a new phone."

san pulls his gaze away as if its a chore and looks down at his destroyed android. strands of his hair fall down his forehead majestically, and i cant help but stare. god every little thing about him turns me on.

"she's still up and running. i'll get a new one when she completely gives up on me."

i snort and sit up. "aren't you loyal? thats cute."

"not loyal, just broke."

i look at the money sprawled out on the floor, remembering how it fell out of my dress when he ripped it off of me. the flashbacks bring a smile to my face.

"not for long you wont be."

"so..." he awkwardly drawls. "last night–"

"we dont have to talk about it."

his face creases in confusion. "i thought you didnt want to pretend like it didnt happen?"

"we dont have to pretend like it didnt happen, but we dont have to talk about it now."

hes shirtless. frankly i know if we talk about what happened now, it'll open up a blackhole of conversations. like what happens next. and what about santo.

"we're gonna talk about it at some point right?" he presses, all serious suddenly. "because theres a lot of things...a lot happened last night. things im worried about."

i try to hide my discomfort with a smile. there are things i can easily talk about. my sister dying, how fucked up i am. but im not a fan of talking about my weak moments. i hate being weak infront of men. i know the position will stay that way after it all.

once they see you like that, weak and helpless, its all they'll ever see. i dont want san to see me like that.

"we'll talk about it. i promise. but what i want to know is...is it going to happen again?"

"is what going to–oh."

san's cheeks start reddening and he rubs the back of his head, exposing his massive bicep. his skin is so pretty. everything–everything is so pretty.

"it can happen again. as long as we dont get too carried away. i dont want to forget what this is really about."

honestly, i didnt hear much after hearing his first sentence. i move toward him and lightly stroke his chest with my fingers and his eyes darken. he clasps my wrist with his fist and i jump in my skin.

"im sorry–"

"are you trying to get fucked?" he asks, making my mouth drop open. but i catch myself quickly and smile.

"would that be so bad?"

"yes."

i pout. "and why is that?"

"because we both know once it happens, its not going to stop."

fuck, thats all i needed to hear. i sit up on my knees and inch closer to him, looking down at his pretty face. i take my other hand and stroke his face, lightly brushing the skin on his lips. he looks hypnotized.

"who says we have to stop, san?" i ask lowly. "we can do whatever the fuck we want."

"you want it now?"

"yes."

"fuck."

san pulls me onto his lap, making me yelp. in a second my thighs are wrapped around him and he starts rubbing circles on my nipples. he starts kissing them hungrily, occassionally grazing them with his teeth and sending shivers down my spine.

my core is pulsing in seconds. i go for his neck, sucking lightly and planting soft kisses all over. he reaches for the drawer in his nightstand and pulls out a condom. i stop midway and raise an eyebrow at him.

"so you're prepared huh?" i giggle. "i thought you were bitchless."

"and i am. i use them to clean my shoes," san mutters.

"wait, before you put that on," i slide back and plant myself between his legs, putting my finger on the band of his boxers. "may i?"

he nods wordlessly, his mouth parted erotically as i pull his dick from his boxers. its rock hard and fills my whole hand, the prettiest blend of pink and purple ive seen.   its warm and pulses in my hands, the veins just bulging out like its starving. fuck.

i lower my mouth onto him, softly sucking the tip first before taking him in fully. his hands immediately go to my hair, his grip gentle as he holds it back. fuck this, im sucking the soul out of this man.

i keep my pace slow and torturous while massaging his rim, fighting a smile when he hisses and grips my hair tighter.

"fuck...why are you so good at this?" he moans, almost in disgust. i harden my lips and quicken my pace, savouring his taste till lines of drool run down my jaw. san lets out unholy whimpers, only making me go harder. i love having him so weak, so helpless from nothing but my mouth. i force him all the way to the back of my throat, occassionally rubbing him up against my palette. his thighs start to shiver and he pulls me off of him, bringing me up to his face.

he kisses me harshly, desperately, like hes trying his best to stop me from going again, his grip only tightening in my hair. i retract from the kiss, wiping the wetness from my jaw.

"why'd you make me stop?" i ask innocently. "was i not doing it well enough?"

"shut up, i know you're smug," he says breathlessly. "you know exactly what you're doing."

my hand is still around his shaft and i start stroking and squeezing. san throws his head back and looks at the ceiling. i give his tip a kitten lick and a shiver goes through him.

"you're so easy," i mock playfully. "all i have to do is use my mouth and you're helpless."

"oh really?" he asks hoarsely, his voice deep and fucking sexy. "lets see how easy you are then."

san grabs me under my arms, making me yelp as he flips me over. he drags my underwear off and tosses it somewhere, not even looking back. san erotically slips his fingers into my mouth, before slowly inching them inside me. a silent gasp falls from my lips and it feels like my body is curving inside out. san starts slowly pumping, my wetness soaking his fingers till they shine in the sun.

he continues laying down hot kisses all over my torso, eventually dragging his warm lips down to my core. without warning he drags his tongue up my slit, making me shiver.

"and im easy?" san mutters smugly. he doesnt even give me a moment to process things before he puts his lips back on me, pumping inside me with his fingers and tongue-fucking me all at once.

"san..." pathetic whimpers are tortured out of me, my hands gripping his hair as i struggle to hold it together.

"mmmm?" he hums against me, practically making out with my hole. "you taste so fucking good."

san's words make me clench my thighs around his head, locking his tongue inside of me. at this point he doesn't care. hes eating like a man that's been starved in a prison camp. my body is hotter than a laptop running minecraft. tight sensations are rippling through my legs and i know im close. but i dont stop him. i hedonistically indulge in everything hes giving me, just because im greedy. i want more.

san abruptly stops, my ever-climbing high hitting a wall. a desperate whine escapes me. "why'd you stop?"

"you're not coming until i've had you," he tells me, coming up to kiss me again. i can taste myself on him and no wonder he was so greedy with it.

san, while his lips are glued to mine, pushes my legs apart and slowly pushes his pulsing dick inside of me.

i feel his warmth through the condom, his girth filling me up and making me shiver. its been so long, its like im a virgin again. he doesnt move, just staring me down as i squeeze onto him. his breathing is heavy, his eyes remote. it looks like hes enjoying himself with just the feeling, but he doesnt know what to do with it.

"you tell me when to stop, okay?" he tells me softly. "you tell me if im hurting you."

if i wasnt so horny i would cry at how sweet he sounds. but unfortunately for him, in this moment in time, i would let choi san do anything to me.

"i want you to tear me apart," i force out.

san doesnt destroy me like i thought he would. instead he goes with slow, deep thrusts that make me feel all of him. his chest is pressed against mine, his breathing rough at my ear as my legs wrap around him. i get drunk on him, the room filling with squelching sounds as his pace grows steadier, still maintaining his depth.

i start to feel his strength on me as he goes harder. im crashing under him, the moans and whimpers forcing out of me embarrassingly loud. i dig my nails into his muscular back, kickstarting a pace that threatens to make me burst. san's hand tightly cups my hip as he goes harder, holding me in place as i take it.

his bed is screeching. i couldnt mutter any words aside from my lewd winces. all i wanted to know was why couldnt this happen sooner. fuck.

"this was what you wanted right?" san whispers to me, finally making eye contact. i know i look so fucked and desperate. "from the beginning?"

"san i-" i gasp as he lifts my knee to my chest, hitting deeper. i toss my head back and san starts kissing my neck, gently nibbling. the sensations are eating at me. i feel it pooling in my stomach. san starts rubbing me and fucking at the same time, and eventually i cream all over his fingers and cock.

but san doesnt stop. i feel like im going to cry out of happiness. he pauses to flip me over on my stomach, arching my ass slightly so he can slip it in from the back. the overstimulation makes me lightheaded but i dont stop him. san pumps himself into me till i feel him laying on my back, breathing hard and going lame. by the time its over, my drool is all over his sheets and my vision is blurry.

"fuck." is all i hear him say. fuck indeed, and fuck we did.

***

i didnt allow for that awkward conversation to happen after. as soon as we were done, i got dressed and made for my way home. san gave me a blank stare when i left, his face trying to convey emotions but failing miserably. when i got home, he texted me and i felt my stomach turn.

sannie: you running away from me?

not from him. but from his questions. and what would come next.

i have issues with intimacy. major issues. i tried working on it, always thinking about it did nothing. all it did was make me realize how undateable i am. because ive never tried to date anyone ive never had a poor soul to inconvenience.

san and i werent a couple, fuck, we werent even exclusive. but i could tell that i was about to become his problem.

i stood in the foyer of my house, barefoot as i debated what i should send back to him.

me: nope, relax. just dealing with family.

he replies almost instantly.

sannie: OK. when can i see you again?

me: relax you horndog. you have one piece and now you're getting greedy

sannie: Don't call me that. i mean so we can take those photos back to my contact. dont you want to know whos been seeing your sister?

my eyes freeze at the message. getting my back blown out completely made me forget about that. even with the money we made off that deal i wasnt even thinking about it.

me: i probably wont be able to do today. monday?

sannie: I'll arrange it.

me: thank you

san leaves me on read after that and i find myself staring at my phone. at his contact. i finally got what i wanted. we slept together, i feel better. but why do i feel...weird.

maybe i wasnt supposed to do it right after santo tried assaulting me. but san was the only thing that made me forget. i didnt even know what i was going to do about him. i wanted to tell someone, anyone. but these people wouldnt care, or do anything about it.

my only choice was to make my money and get the fuck out. i snuck up into my room and put the money i made into my box in the wall and sealed it off again. as i come out of the closet, my mother sits on my bed analysing my entire body.

i jump in my skin. "hey...mama."

she gives me a deep frown. "i thought you said you werent feeling well. but you come back this time?"

"i slept over at a friends house. i took some pills and knocked out for a long time."

"i cant understand whats wrong with you, yaera. are you doing drugs?"

my jaw drops. "what? why would you ask that?"

she shakes her head at me with both pity and disgust. "i cant explain it. but you do not look like yourself. you look ill. please go in the shower and fix yourself."

maybe i look fucked up because i was almost assaulted by your business partner. i want to say it but i hold my tongue. what will she do? what has she ever done to help me?

"its almost her birthday," i tell my mother before she walks out. she pauses at the door and doesnt look at me.

guilt. i hate feeling it. but i'd weaponise it if i had to. its one of my few weapons against my parents that work today. its one of the things that never cease to effect. deep down i know they feel guilty, and it must be about a lot of things because anything silences them off.

"you mean its almost your birthday," my mother mutters. i see her force a smile as she leaves, still never turning back to look me in the eyes.

i go and take out my clothes to wear for the day when my phone suddenly rings. i dont recognize the number. i pick it up reluctantly, pressing the phone to my cheek with my shoulder.

"hello?"

"tesoro?"

i freeze when i hear his voice. my chest starts to stiffen, feeling like the veins and arteries under there are tangling themselves.

"im so sorry for last night. i dont know what came over me...i want you to want it. and im more than willing to wait for you, im sorry tesoro. i will not harm you again..." he says, all in italian.

my phone shivers along with my hand. my voice is clogged in my throat and it feels like the room is spinning.

i pull my voice from the depths, feeling my eyes burning as they threaten to gush. "go fucking kill yourself, santo. die and burn in fucking hell you scum."

i click off the phone and it immediately starts ringing again. i block the number like i blocked all the others and slide down my wall in defeat. im exhausted.

i dont hear from him after that. and when monday comes i've inhaled too much nicotine to care. my hands keep smelling like tobacco and i'll admit, its not the best ive smelled in my life.

i freeze when i see san in the parking lot. i dont know why, it makes sense that he should be there. hes always there. but its so weird now.

apparently im the only one that feels that way. san marches up to me, grabs my arm and pulls me aside a wall like hes trying to hide from someone. i look at him in confusion.

"some weird shit is going on, seriously," he tells me with a low voice. "you wont believe what just happened."

"what happened?" if something weirds san out then it must be weird as fuck.

"jongho," the way san breathes his name is heavy. i immediately tense up.

"is it about the party? did he try to fight you again?"

"no. he offered me money. for the pictures we took from him."

he wants his stalker pictures back. hearing that alone makes me want to taze him in the side of his head, hoping he never wakes up again. but the other part of me thinks smarter.

"what did you say?" i ask him. san looks at me like im crazy.

"i said no obviously. its your sisters pictures," he scowls at me.

i know jongho does anything to get what he wants. "how much money did he offer you?"

san sighs. "a lot. like a load."

"under 10k?"

"yeah, but not far off from it."

i go silent. with the money we made off the drugs and the money wooyoung stole from those other gangsters, san was almost at his target for the drugs he failed to sell.

"yaera, please dont tell me you're thinking of it," san scoffs, shaking his head at me. "those are your sisters pictures. and we still have to ask my contact to develop them to see who the guy in the pictures is."

"we're going today right? give him the pictures when we're done with it." i decide.

san stares at me in disbelief, but i've made up my mind. "i dont want those pictures. they might be of her, but i dont want to see her like that. i dont wanna look at her through his eyes. might as well get money out of it. that way you can pay off your drug debt and we can keep the rest of the rosies to ourselves."

"you know that isnt where it ends, right?" san checks me. "i pay off that debt, Miss A gives me another assignment, and then its the next thing...and another thing after that. this is my life, yaera. i cant just get away from it."

with the way he spoke, it sounded like he was trying to crush my hope. i wasnt aware i had any.

i say nothing and san sighs, leaning back against the wall. "top it all off, i still havent heard from wooyoung. since saturday."

that was ominous. wooyoung took off in such a hurry, the fact that he hasnt let san know anything is unsettling.

"wanna go around to his place then? after we see your contact?" i suggest.

san scrunches his face, i know he doesnt like the idea of me tagging along.

"i think its better if you hang back for that. wooyoung stays with other gangsters. i dont want them seeing you...you already know how that went last time."

ah, yes. our first meeting. what memories.

"we'll find him," i reassure him, but it doesnt look like my words are getting taken to heart. it starts getting awkward just lingering there, and i cant believe that san and i slept together.

we're standing here, just existing. we have no business with each other, none at all. not long ago he wanted nothing to do with me. then we went and did...that.

its going to happen again, i know it. am i wrong for wanting it to happen really soon? sooner than is appropriate?

san clears his throat and gets up from against the wall. "well...see you in bio, marino."

i dont greet back, and instead just offer a quick smile. its like he just read my thoughts.

i end up seeing san at lunch first. i get bored from existing by myself. funny thing is, yeosangs not at school. he must have gotten the shit scared out of him. the jocks that beat up san and wooyoung are also out of the equation, completely avoiding san's existence and steering clear with their bruised faces.

san is at the abandoned stairwell and i plop down next to him on the step. he jumps out of the daze he was in, turning to look at me with surprised eyes.

"hey," he says softly. san being soft?

"why do you sound so delicate?" i tease him. "is it because you saw my boobies?"

san jumps up and hides his face out of embarrassment. "oh my god, did you come here to terrorize me? im not being weird, you're being weird."

"all i did was ask a question," i feign innocence.

san turns around and tries to put on a stern face, but he looks like a tomato. i cant take him seriously. i guess now i can tell my mother that i DID in fact sleep with him.

i get up from my seat and plant myself infront of san, feeling devious. "wanna sneak off into the bathroom?" i test him.

"i dont have condoms here," he tells me. "also really? at school?"

"i dont respect this building," i shrug. "and they have condoms in the girls bathroom. they care about us being safe."

"of course you don't care about this school, you can drop out and you'll be fine," san says. "i, however, could get expelled and my life would be over."

agh. now hes just making me feel guilty. i want to tell him to forget about it, but san picks up his bag and heads down the stairs. he stops at the last step and looks up expectantly. "well, are you coming or what?" he snaps.

fuck this guy. i fight the smile as i get my bag off the ground and follow after him.

***

we sneak into the girls bathroom, with me going in first to check if its clear. when him done, i calls him in and i slip into the last stall. san follows behind me, locking the door.

we throw our bags down on the floor, a brief pause between us where we just stare at each other. san's eyes immediately drift to my lips and he leans in slowly, making the softest contact.

its soft and delicate, and of course i turn it into something animalistic. he gives me fluttery kisses and i take in more and more till im completely devouring his face. his body presses me against the wall, and san's hand reaches up under my skirt and gives one hard tug to my underwear.

it drops to my ankles, and so does he. san sits on his knees, lifts my skirt and drags his tongue up my slit. i shiver at his hot mouth, immediately spreading my legs like a whore. he gives me warm kitten licks that quickly turn into him sucking on my hole. i throw my head back and stare at the ceiling, feeling my soul slowly leaving my body. this is fucking it. this is the closest to heaven im ever gonna get.

the motion is rhythmic and neat and its not too long before my legs start feeling weak. san backs up and sits down on the toilet seat, unbuckling his pants. i hover over him and he pulls me by my tie, making me plop down on his lap just so he can make out with me again.

san grips my hair as he kisses my lips, and i can taste myself all over his tongue. i lift myself slightly so i can pull down his pants, and i slide myself across his throbbing boner. i moan into his mouth at how warm it feels against me, then slowly inch myself onto it.

san abruptly stops, a pained look on his face. "wait...i didnt put the condom on." he whispers.

"lets do it like this, just this once," i say, then plant a kiss on his lips. "come on, you know how it feels with one...why dont you see how it feels without it?"

san tosses his head back in sexual agony and i know i've got him. "you're bad news, marino. really."

san plants his hands into my ass when i start moving, his eyes squeezing shut as i clench on him everytime he thrusts inside me. i grip the sides of the bathroom wall, looking down at him like a god as i sink and rise on him slowly. i can feel every inch of him, our combined heat and throbbing causing the inside of my thighs to be a sloppy mess. when i move too slow for his liking, san bucks his hips into me, making me gasp emptily.

he feels so fucking good. and im not even ovulating. i struggle to hold back my helpless whimpering and san is forced to cover my mouth as his cock rams into me harder with each blow. san widens his leg so i sink down deeper with each thrust, putting his hand out on my clit to rub small, quick circles over it. everything is fast and messy and rushed, making me lose all sense of being. with stimulation coming in at all sides, it feels like im going to burst apart.

he fucks into me at a pace that makes me want to cry and all i can do is place my head against his chest, hopelessly taking it all. someone walking into the bathroom makes san pause mid-stroke, and the person hangs around for an infuriating period of time. they're not even using the bathroom, but its enough to take the energy out of san.

when the person leaves, he gives me a few lazy pumps that feel tame compared to the way he was aggressively slamming into me. i lean in to kiss him one last time, leisurely parting my mouth with his before i finally get off and slip him out of me.

"thanks for reading that i dont wanna take the risk. we can continue this another time," san whispers, pulling himself and his clothes together. i adjust his school tie and shirt, it has massive creases on it from me gripping onto him.

i smile as i fix myself as well. "you wanna continue later on, you say? looks like someone cant get enough of me," i smirk, and san gives me a subtle smile that says more than it needs to.

i know i shouldnt be surprised that san likes fucking me, because after all, hes still a man. its more of a compliment because its him and ive been dying to get in his pants since day one, and i wanted more than just to be in his drug pockets.

i go out and make sure the coast is clear for san to slip out of the bathroom undetected, thereafter i go pee and reapply my make up in the mirror.

***

san

the past few days have not been real at all. apparently im the kind of guy that just fucks in public bathrooms now. i know my mother would probably get a heart attack if she were here.

why am i acting like an animal? i feel disgusting. i AM disgusting. especially because i would definetely do it again.

this time it feels different. maybe because i get to choose the girl and it isnt some random woman Miss A throws at me. i cant rationalize it in my head, knowing that its yaera.

i swear, it wasnt too long ago that i wanted to punt her into the sun for blackmailing me. i think ive gone soft. yet somehow my dick hasnt. she got off me just in time, but my boner still hasnt subsided. its embarrassing and i constantly have to readjust. it barely goes away throughout the day because i keep having flashbacks to her gripping onto me and it drives me insane.

i almost forget about everything else. i remember to call wooyoung again and he doesnt answer. it makes me horrifically worried. hes never gone this long without calling me. i hope he hasnt gotten himself into more bullshit.

when the day ends, yaera and i take the bus to my apartment, where we walk to ningning's tattoo shop after.

yaera is visibly disgusted by the slums but tries to appear nonchalant. she stares too long at the homeless people, she narrows her eyes at the weird grafitti on the walls and absentmindedly holds onto my bicep when we walk. now that i know what she's running from, i dont question why she willingly puts herself in these situations. what she's running from is so much worse. its an internal hell.

the fact that she still hasnt spoken about it bothers me but i dont want to force things. but it would settle me on the inside to know how she feels in general. aside from sex, she's extremely emotionally closed off.

ningning opens the shop after we knock and yaera's eyes go wide when we step inside. ningning shoots me a shocked glance when she sees yaera. "wow, san, a girl? i thought you were gay. or are you just doing me a service by promoting the shop?" she says, making yaera suppress a snort.

i scowl. "you know those pictures you analyzed for me last time? i need one or two developed."

"alright. im ningning, by the way, and you are?" she ignores me and smiles at yaera.

yaera turns to me, checking if she can introduce herself. i nod. "im yaera. cool shop by the way. and sick tattoos."

"thank you!" ningning gushes as we start to walk. "you have any? or do you want any?"

"i'd like a dragon on my back."

"a dragon? wow, that's hot. does it mean anything?"

"it means i get to look hot during sex."

ningning and yaera start giggling and socially exclude me by talking about random things. i check my phone compulsively to see if i got anything from wooyoung but shit is still radiosilent.

"ningning, have you heard from wooyoung lately?" i ask her when we get down in the basement.

"no i havent...but shouldnt you know where he is?" ningning frowns at me, then plops down at her computer. "you know, i thought you'd go into hiding with some of the stuff thats happened recently. its not safe out anymore."

"what do you mean not safe anymore?"

ningning gasps. "you dont know?"

"obviously not, why else would i ask?"

ningning turns slowly in her spinning chair, giving me a dark look. "word on the street is that one of the worst black dragon got out of jail. and he's gonna make shit worse for the 105ths. after he got out of jail, a warehouse at the port got set on fire and a bunch of people died."

i feel the heat leaving my skin all at once. now i know i have to go see Miss A. but i cant go empty handed. i know what this is about and thats the worst thing. if wooyoung's fate is being debated in that garage, i need to at least have all her money to soothe the situation.

"maybe thats why wooyoung isnt calling," ningning offered, but her voice was awkward. "they probably need him to retaliate."

"he'd tell me," i told her, but i wasnt so sure about that. wooyoung could be handling this all by himself because he feels responsible.

i stop talking about it because i feel immensely unsettled. yaera gently rubs my arm and stands close to me, making me feel somewhat comforted. i cant hide how i feel on my face right now and i know it. more black dragon drama, fuck. like i need a gang war in my last year.

"now you just turn up the exposure..." ningning muttered, the picture of yaera's sister and the mystery guy was on the screen and it suddenly brightened. yaera's hand drops from my arm when she sees the man's face.

"im so fucking dumb," she whispers.

i immediately go to hug her. she puts her head in my chest and squeezes me tightly, as if holding me will stop her from bursting into tears.

"you're not stupid." i tell her. "if he could do that to you...who knows what he did to her?"

ningning blinks between the two of us in confusion. "is everything okay?"

"please get those printed, ningning," i tell her. "we're taking it to the police."

yaera shakes her head and pulls away. "no, we can't. it wont do anything."

"what do you mean? we know santo's been grooming your sister now and he probably killed her too!"

yaera squeezes her eyes shut and starts trembling. "it couldnt have been him because he was in Italy at the time. he was having a very public show. i cant believe its him, i feel so stupid. of course he didnt leave her alone. hes probably the reason she could never be with jongho. she was in LOVE with him. this is why i felt like i couldnt tell her he tried touching me...she was too fond of him."

yaera starts taking hard gulps and i think its time to go. i take out my wallet and give ningning her money and she hurriedly goes to print the pictures. yaera paces around the room and starts shaking her hands and i cant tell if she wants to cry or punch the wall.

"shes the reason he projected everything onto me," she mutters, sounding spiteful. "she LOVED that son of a bitch."

"you dont know that, yaera," i tell her. "your sister was a kid too. and you dont know when she started seeing him."

yaera stops and stares at the wall hauntingly. "i do. it had to be after i stopped being a model. after he touched me i dropped everything. then she started doing it and its like she wasnt the same. he went for her after he ruined me."

ningning returns with the printed pictures and i take them instead of yaera. i pull her out of ningning's shop with me and ningning shoots me a worried look. i cant believe we have to go see jongho after this. as if the night isnt bad enough.

when i get into the van, shes silent. shes staring ahead with an emotionless look on her face. i dont start driving immediately, reaching out for her arm instead.

"hey. i know this is heavy but now you have a reason to never go back. you can tell your parents, you have proof."

silence.

"do you still wanna go see jongho? i think you should go home, yae."

"no. lets get your money."

i sigh and start the van, and the drive is cold and quiet. i try to turn on some music but it reminds me of wooyoung and that makes me worry about him even more so i turn the whole radio off. we stop infront of jongho's house and i dont feel like going up his creepy vampire mansion so i make no move to get out. after a few minutes of standing he eventually comes running up to the car window in a navy gown and slippers with a folder to his side.

"if anything is missing in this, i'll send guards to come collect my funds." jongho says. he pauses for a second when he sees yaera in the passenger, she doesnt look at him once.

i give him back his file full of creepy pictures and his camera, having deleted none of whats on it. luckily yaera and i both transfered everything to spare usbs. just in case.

jongho passes me the folder and i hand it to yaera, who immediately starts counting the money. she nods, giving me the heads up that everything is there.

"i have a question for you," i tell jongho. he scowls at me like he doesnt have time for this but makes no budge to move.

"did you and yeosang attack me at the port?"

"what?" jongho scoffs. "why would we be anywhere near there? and why would we attack you?"

"because you've attacked me before."

"that's because you didnt know your place. you took what was mine and you were depriving yeosang from his hobbies."

so it wasnt them. that makes things worse, because i hoped it would be. jongho had no reason to lie now.

i roll up the window and jongho leaves back through his fancy gates. i stay parked for a few minutes, comprehending how fucked up this could get.

i pull out my phone and open the latest news. ive always had to do this to make sure none of the shit i did for Miss A made it into the papers.

but this is big. it doesnt even take me long to find it. with his big time lawyer, black dragon member hongjoong is out of jail due to half the evidence they had against him being inadmissable. now hes roaming the streets, after being suspected of seven murders.

i look at the date. hes been out since wooyoung and i got yunho killed.

***

NEXT CHAPTER

A/N: This reveal HAD TO BE OBVIOUSSS SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO UPDATE GUYS IVE BEEN FCKING GOIJG THROUGH IT MY LIFE IS HORRIBLE RN BUT HERES THE CHAPTER HOPE U GUYS LIKE IT..ILYYY THANK YOU FOR EVERYONE THATS BEEN SUPPORTING THE STORY. OH AND FREE PALESTINE 🇵🇸

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 14: I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE

wc: 6054

tags: violence, attempted s/a, smut, angst, drugs

a/n: this chapter might be triggering for some people, read at your own risk.

prev chapter

yaera

i havent been to one of these events since i was fifteen. that doesnt sound like a long time, but considering my sister was still alive then, it certainly felt like forever had passed.

the dress i was given is pretty at least. its black, has long sleeves and looks like it was designed for a sexy vampire. one good thing came out of this shitfest.

but the best part is, i can hide san's drugs within my outfit. im not stashing them in matching black purse because it'll get searched, but the tiny ziplock bags fit perfectly in my sleeves and boob area. this will truly be the riskiest thing ive ever done.

irina and the others even messaged me not to forget the stuff. im so focused on just getting that money the fear i had buried inside me hasnt completely resurfaced yet.

im staring at myself in the mirror, looking at my smokey eye make up. the black hair dye really gave me a morbid yet sexy aesthetic that im not bad about. if i could describe myself in two words, it would be exactly that, morbid and sexy.

the sexy part is what bothers me. i know there are people who would agree all too willingly with that. and its not my target audience.

my room door swings open and my mother walks in. theres a strange look on her face as she takes me in. we say nothing to each other for a few moments till she breaks the silence.

"bellisima," she says, almost under her breath. "we can really never go wrong with santo. he made you look like a princess, even if you look like you are going to a funeral."

my insides squirm at the mention of his name. i tried to ignore it, but the fear i felt in that bathroom is coming back full swing. im seeing him tonight. he'll be waiting for me.

"please don't do this again this year," i stiffly begged. "you need to find someone your own age Santo. I'm...I'm not the one."

santo cocks his head to the side and smirks. "and who told you that? who said you're not perfect for me?"

"i don't fucking want you," I hissed. his eyes widen slightly, more out of sick arousal instead of offense.

he advanced on me and i blinked, finding myself pressed against a stall. i whimpered and tried to wriggle out of his grip, but my arms were pinned to the side. oh my God, I'm going to be sick.

"but I want you, and you know that. so why don't you stop playing games," he whispered dangerously close to my ear. i shivered and my nausea kept tugging at my stomach.

"i'm your only chance at a respectable man. your parents already love me. so why don't you accept the love I have for you? you'll never find anyone like me, tesoro."

"i fucking hope so," i whispered, pinching my eyes closed. he moved his face infront of mine, hovering his lips over mine. I whined and wriggle, but he isn't fazed by my struggling.

"you're a big girl now, right?" he said lowly. "i think it's time you feel like a woman."

i snap out of that awful memory when my mother clicks her fingers infront of my face. "come on, hurry up! we are only waiting on you!"

i cant leave san's side tonight. no matter what.

when i get downstairs, my nearly feel the breath getting knocked out of me. he's standing there, looking more handsome than i've ever seen him. black hair slicked back, eyebrows done. the suit is sitting perfectly. its like he's the model here and not me. god i think im going to be sick.

he gives me a small smile but says nothing.

"doesn't she look perfect, amore mio?" my mother says to my father, who only gives an awkward smile of acknowledgement.

"the two of you can sit at the back of the limo. your mother and i will take the two front seats," my father says, then turns to san with a pointed finger. "dont get any ideas, boy. i know your headmaster personally."

san awkwardly laughs. "i would never, sir."

i try not to wonder how true that is. we pile into the limo and my parents keep looking at us through the rearview, making sure there's a significant gap between us. i look over to him and all the anger i felt before is just gone. i think im fucking whipped.

hes the most beautiful man ive ever seen.

"san..."

"you look really pretty," he tells me before i can say anything. saying that with the most expressionless face makes my face drop.

"oh-"

"i just wanted to say that. you really do."

i dont know what to say. the limo is dim so i dont know if he can see how flushed i feel. he leans forward and i think hes about to kiss me. i hope for it. i dont even care if my parents are nearby.

"where are you hiding the stuff?" he whispers. oh right, his drugs.

i show him my sleeves, how the pills are pressed finely between the folds. then i point to my bust. "others are in here," i say.

he chuckles lowly. "creative. you can give me some if you need more space."

if san gets caught with this my parents would end him. everything he worked to achieve would be gone in less than 2 days.

"i think i should keep it. just in case anything happens. you know, rich girl immunity."

san nods and leans back away from me, making me feel empty. "of course."

no words are exchanged between us for a few moments. so we're really going to pretend like the party didnt happen? did that mean it was never going to happen ever again. i dont want to sound desperate but my head is screeching for answers.

but i focus on what matters tonight. putting on a show. getting irina and the others their drugs and collecting payment. and most of all, escaping santo.

"san, can you do me a favour?" i ask.

he hesitates but nods anyway.

"dont leave my side tonight. please."

he rubs the back of his head nervously. "well, i am your date. and i dont know anyone else here."

god. he doesnt realize how bad i need him.thats the thing, i need him more than he needs me. i can never delete what i have on him. i never know when this will go sideways.

the party is at some hotel. when we get there, i can tell the reception is intimidating to san. the cameras, the flashing lights. the security. i grab his hand and he doesnt protest as we go inside. both of us get patted down by security guards, of course the drugs go undetected.

we go inside and the dinner set up is fancy as fuck. i look at san and i cant tell if hes forcing the coolness to not have a panic attack, but his face is blank. i spot irina and the others at a table and wave, my mother dragging us to a separate table with our name on it.

theres a stage with a massive projection screen, where a slideshow of the lingerie collection plays. i know at some point the pictures from the shoot will play out as well. im hoping to sneak off before then because i cant handle the embarrassment.

"so this is your life huh," san mutters next to me. i frown, his tone sounds disappointed.

"whats wrong?" i ask.

"nothing. just...i cant believe it sometimes."

hes been acting so weird. is he insecure? fuck i.dont even know where to start placing questions. my stomach sinks a little at his tone. i guess he'll never get it. he doesnt understand what im really running from. i doubt he ever will. that class disconnect will keep beating our ass.

to him, anything is better than being in a gang. i guess hes right. but that doesnt mean there arent things out there that would make you want to kill yourself. i would know.

santo walks out on the stage and everyone starts clapping like this is the oscars. "good evening everyone, buenos noches, buonasera, and everything else! welcome to the launch of the new Cosa Pericolosa brand. a brand distinct for its dangerous yet delicate beauty, made of the finest Italian lace and silk. i want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate and enjoy this milestone. there will be dancing and there will be a party, saluto!"

as soon as he gets off that stage, i see his face find my parents table. hes coming straight for us. i instantly grab san's hand under the table. he turns to me utterly confused, but i cant deal with that right now.

"mi famiglia!" santo loudly says and kisses my parents on the cheek. he gets to me and does the same, his kiss lingering on me longer than i wanted. i suppress a shiver. "tesoro, you look beautiful in the dress i picked! im so glad to see everyone here!"

"we could not have done it without you, santo!" my mother gushes. "you look so handsome!"

"ah, you are making me shy. it is really you people who are stealing the show, wait till you see how the pictures turned out!" he laughs obnoxiously, turning to smile at me.

"im so glad you are here, tesoro. it is good to finally have you back. your sister would be proud of you."

"thank you, santo." i force a smile. when really i want to scream. dont fucking bring her up, i want to scream it. but i force a stupid, docile smile. fuck if this night goes on for any longer, i might end up doing these drugs myself.

"hold on, who is this," santo finally acknowledges san. he holds out his hand to him. "i am santo falcone. but you can call me santo, you are?"

"that is yaera's date," my mother chimes in as san awkwardly takes his hand. "san choi. he is a classmate."

"oh," santo's smile tightens and he glances at me. "just a classmate?"

my father forces a laugh. "of course. do you know me? she can meet someone when it is time to get married."

santo grips san's hand for an uncomfortable amount of time till he ends up needing to rip it away. "nice to meet you, san choi. excuse me, i will return to you all. i have to greet the other guests and then have them run the music. you all enjoy the night."

he leaves, giving me a weird look before going. is he fucking jealous? does he seriously think he owns me? i dont know how my sister worked with him. hes so fucking creepy and somehow that never came up between us.

irina and the others arrive at our table next, greeting my parents with hugs and kisses. "can we steal yaera for a second? she looks so gorgeous!" claire says, gushing.

"no really, i want to rip that dress off you!" anya says. my mother rolls her eyes and laughs.

"please girls, bring her back in one piece for the show." my mother says. a smirk i know to be devious grows on irina's lips.

"oh we will, dont worry, mrs marino."

im so happy to get up from that table. san grabs my dress and looks up like a lost kid. "where are you going? dont leave me by myself here," he says under his breath.

awww hes so awkward. "ill be right back. dont miss me too much."

his eyes are desperate and his smile is so forced its hilarious. "youre really going to leave me with your parents?"

"dont worry she'll be back!" anya tells him, noticing him holding my dress. "your boyfriend is so clingy, yaera."

i can tell san is trying not to murder her with his glare. not more can be said because im whisked away. we end up in the bathrooms that look like something out of the louvre. anya and claire start taking mirror selfies while irina starts putting the money down on the sink.

"all of it is here, you can count it yourself. now where are the stuff?" she says. i start unrolling my sleeves, taking four of the bags out, getting the other five from my boobs.

anya and claire quickly come scrambling. "oh god, finally!" claire says. "we've been waiting so long."

"is it really that good?" i wonder, their relief is crazy to see. "better than what you already do?"

"alone its okay. but together with what we already do? a fucking trip to the skies," irina shakes her head with a smile. "ive never been so glad to know you, marino."

mixing drugs. that doesnt sound smart. but what do i know? im not the addict.

i smile and take the money, folding it back into my boobs. "youre welcome. and you know if you need more, where to call me."

"of course. and you better answer."

"your boyfriend is so fucking hot yaera," anya says with a sigh. "hes literally gorgeous. where did you find him?"

"careful, you cougar. you cant be talking about an 18 year old like that," i joke.

"im not even twenty three shut the fuck up!" she shoves at my shoulder.

"so he is your boyfriend?" claire smiles. the three of them coo like children when i start blushing.

"im getting there guys," i say. "hopefully soon."

"what do his parents do? he looks like a model himself." claire says.

"you know this is yaera, hes probably crazy as fuck. like the last one, what was his name?" irina chimes in with a snort. "i bet this one is the reason she has drugs in the first place."

i scowl at her. shes right but i hate that she read me so easily. "bitch, just enjoy my services. goddamn it you people are nosy."

she raises an eyebrow. "am i right though?"

i roll my eyes and start to leave, saluting on my way out. "im getting back now to my date now, goodbye ladies."

luckily when i get out, theres music playing and people are on the floor. san is sitting alone by the table, taking random sips out of a champagne glass. im so excited. i actually got money back for us. i throw my hands onto his shoulders and smile widely, unable to hold my excitement.

"so guess who collected their first payment?"

san's eyes widen. "all the money there?"

"every last note. so i think to celebrate we should dance."

san frowns and cringes. "i dont dance. im fine here."

i roll my eyes and grab his hand, pulling him up with a hard tug. "is it a sin for you to do ANYTHING fun? the music is playing and we have something to celebrate, come on."

he sighs and gives in with a lame smile. "fine."

i lead him to the dancefloor, swinging my arms around his neck. san's hands drop to my lowerback as we sway and i cant ignore the happiness bubbling in my brain. i cant stop smiling.

"you seem really happy," he notes. "you're getting a big head from your first payment huh?"

"of course. its just what i needed to prove myself to you. that i can pull my weight and that im not just some liability."

"i never said that-"

"yes you did san. many times." i remind him, and his cheeks flush from.embarrassment. "i can even quote you on it if you want?"

"please dont," he chuckles under his breath. "fine, i guess you can pull your weight."

his dimples are piercing through. i stare at him mesmerized and i cant even hide it. i bet if i was a cartoon in this very moment, i'd be having stars in my eyes.

"you're perfect, you know that?" i say without thinking.

san's eyes widen, then darken in seconds. "what?" his voice is just barely together.

"i want to kiss you again," i admit. "i think its all i'll want for a really long time."

i lightly stroke his cheeks, seeing them go rosey. this is all i have. the only thing that shows me that i do affect him.

his eyes dart down to my lips and i shrink the distance between us, till we're just barely a centimeter apart.

"i dont want you to think about it," i tell him. "just do whatever you want in the moment. thats all that matters."

"yaera..." he gulps, then takes a step back. "i-i dont know about this. lets just...this isnt good. for either of us."

"says who?" i scoff.

"says me. you and i should just stay business partners. strictly business. anything else wont end well for either of us."

hearing that makes my heart shatter and my stomach drop. fuck i can feel my eyes filling with water. i try to choke.it down but i know its obvious.

"so you're just gonna.pretend we never kissed at that party?" i lay down my arms from his neck. "youre just going to pretend that never happened?"

san stops dancing and gives me a curt nod. "i think its best we do. we both know i just represent something to you. something forbidden. thats why you want me right? because im someone you cant have."

i laugh bitterly. "i cant fucking believe you."

i feel a tear drop. san sees it and frowns. "yaera wait-"

i swat his hands away from me. "you are such a fucking dick."

i get off the dancefloor and run somewhere. i dont know where. im just walking, looking for a place to break down and sob. god this is so embarrassing. im so fucking pathetic.

i stop infront of a random room and twist the door handle. its unlocked, thank god. i go inside and fall onto the bed, my chest instantly getting wrecked. i start sobbing horrifically, unable to believe how awful i feel right now.

whats wrong with me. what is legitimately wrong with me. why was he so cold? am i not pretty enough for him or something? this cant just be about the business. i refuse to believe it. and even if it is, why do i feel so worthless?

everytime jongho has rejected me and made me feel like nothing but a stupid slut flashes infront of me. the feeling stabs me like a knife.

that must be it. thats probably what he sees me as. a stupid, desperate evil slut. all i do is throw myself at him. even at that party, i couldnt wait to be all over him. im pathetic. and desperate. i should just die.

my gloves are soaked. i cant believe how much im crying. maybe i should go back to therapy. maybe i wasnt coping as well as i thought i was.

i look up into the mirror stand, seeing my make up absolutely ruined. my entire face is red, and my hair is sticking to my soaked cheeks. i look like shit.

suddenly i remember why i stayed away from men in the first place. because im too fucking sensitive. my mood depends on them. my self worth is a reflection of how much they like me. they control whether i feel emotional highs and emotional lows.

i start laughing at myself. i cant believe i got myself into this kind of fuckery again.

the door opens suddenly, making me jolt. santo comes in and closes the door behind him, smiling tightly. i jerk up and start stumbling back, backing myself into a wall to be far away from him.

"what are you doing here?" i ask, my voice shaking.

"i saw you dancing with that...child," he slowly laughs, his tone sounding bitter. "you have no business being with someone like him, tesoro."

"santo-"

"do you know how fucking sick i felt?" he snaps, stalking like a dangerous animal. "seeing you with him? while you wear the dress i picked out for you?"

being alone was a mistake. i try to dart for the door but he grabs me and picks me up, covering my mouth with his hand. he throws me onto the bed, forcing his bodyweight on top of me. im frozen, i cant move. every karate class ive taken, all my knowledge on hurting someone just vanishes. hes on top of me and i cant move.

im sobbing again. he presses his finger to my lip, hushing me.

"i should be the only one who takes this dress off you tonight," he whispers. he starts lowering the top, leaving the top of my chest exposed. "dont cry, tesoro, you'll feel so much better after. ive been waiting for this for so long..."

"no please, santo," i beg through my tears. "please just leave me alone. please just-"

theres a few knocks on the door. "yaera, is that you? can i come in?"

that's san's voice. santo clamps his palm over my lips again and i scream.through them. its muffled. i start struggling and kicking but he wont get off me. he forces his hand harder. "fucking stop," he growls at me.

the door swings open anyway. san barges in and santo quickly jumps off me, suddenly on the other side of the room. san looks between us, frozen in his feet.

"what, did anyone say you could fucking come in?" santo screams. san stays staring between us, his face absolutely blank. santo scoffs and adjusts his suit jacket before storming out and slamming the door.

i sit up on the bed, looking at san through blurry eyes. i cant even find my voice. i cant even deal with what just happened.

"did he try..." san trails off, shaking his head at me. he rushes to sit down next to me. i cant help it, as soon as he wraps his arms around me i start bawling again.

"i cant fucking breathe. san please i just want to get away from here. please can we just leave."

he softly rubs the side of my head as he holds my face in his chest. "lets go. we'll go away from here. far away from.here. anywhere."

***

san

i dont even know where to start.

yaera and i ordered an uber from the hotel, disappearing with the permission of her father, saying she felt sick and she needed to go home. they werent happy but yaera's distraught face convinced them. they have no idea what the fuck happened tonight. they were sitting with that same guy that night.

hell, i dont even know what happened. but i could put two and two together.

yaera and i havent said a word to each other. shes passed out on my chest all the way to my apartment. i have to carry her on the way in. i have to put her down on her feet when its time to go into my apartment, and she hangs on my arm the entire time.

"you sure you fine with this?" i ask her. she nods wordlessly.

i let her inside, and she makes her way to my bed where she falls hopelessly. i go and sit down beside her, not knowing what to say. i dont know any words that can fix what happened tonight.

i know so much about her, but tonight...it made me realize i know nothing.

"this isnt the first time it happened," she says, her voice low and defeated. "the first time he did it...i was fifteen. he touched the inside of my thigh in a dressing room and kept trying it till i never went back. i never told my parents...or my sister."

i dont say anything. i let her speak.

"he told me he would never let me go. that he was in love with me. he tried so many times. at my own house. and everytime i would end up in the hospital...my parents would blame me. they would say that i was acting out. i didnt know how to tell them. they treated santo better me and my sister. hes a saint to them."

i feel my head heating up. a rich prick predator piece of shit. he deserves to disappear. he deserves to fucking rot.

i bet miss A could make a bastard like him disappear really quickly.

i take her hand and gently rub my thumb over her knuckles. i feel terrible. the only reason he was able to follow her was because of me.

"so thats why you asked me to not leave your side," i realized. "so you wouldnt be alone with him."

"he gets jealous of every man who comes near me," yaera's tears leak onto my pillow. "i thought if he saw you...he would really leave me alone this time. but it just...it made him more aggressive. he tried to..."

i pull her up and bring her into another hug, gripping her tightly. it felt like if i let her go that i'd never hold her again. that feeling terrifies me. i hate it so much.

"i'll never let him hurt you again," i swear. "i'll fucking kill him. just say the word and i will."

"i want him off my skin, san," she tells me pleadingly. "i dont want to feel him ever again. i want to scratch my skin off and be clean. i want to feel clean again."

"you arent dirty, yaera. hes the fucking filthy one for putting his hands on you," i hold her face in my hands. shes delicate, like porcelain. her eyes, that are usually so menacing and careless are filled with sadness. "youre perfect. you dont deserve that, dont for a second blame yourself. you're perfect, do you hear me?"

"if im so perfect then why dont you want me?" she whimpers. my blood runs cold. fuck how can she hit me with such a heavy loaded question.

theres no point in lying anymore. this is the last situation where i can lie.

"im scared," i admit. "im scared of you. and this. and everything. ive never had something like this, ive never had someone this close to me. i dont know how to handle it. ive been alone for so long i dont know how to let anyone be near me. i never let myself have anything. i always let go."

"please let me be there," she whispers in a tone i cant refuse. "please dont let me go. let yourself have this. let yourself have me."

my chest hurts. this night isnt going at all how i thought it would. its too much. i dont know what to say to yaera. i find my eyes feeling heavy. she takes my face in her hands again and i know she wants to kiss me. fuck it, this is the worst time. but at this point, there isnt ever a right time.

i go in for it and kiss her first. her lips are soft and velvety, and she melts against mine instantly. we start to lose our softness, with yaera pulling me closer and closer. its like she wants to take all the oxygen out of me. her kiss is hard, like a cry for help, like im all the air she'll ever need.

she breaks the kiss and drags her lips down my neck, making me shudder. yaera makes her way onto my lap and i dont fight it, her legs wrapping around me tightly as her dress rides up her thighs.

the kisses turn hot and i feel my brain losing sense. this wont end here, i know it. i want to stop it. i drag my willpower from the floor to break our kiss and she stares at me, frowning with swollen lips.

"is this really a good time?" i ask seriously. "you're really emotionally vulnerable right now. after what happened tonight, do you really think-"

"san," she interrupts me, pressing another kiss to my lips. "my life has been one big emotional fucked up moment, i want to forget. i want to have this, im so fucking dead inside. i want to feel alive again."

she stops showering me with warm pecks and looks me dead in the eye. "will you give me that?"

i hold her face again. my chest feels warm thinking about how no one sees her like this. her pain. but she trusts me enough. she lets me see it.

"i'll give you whatever you want tonight. i promise."

those words were all she needed. yaera slides her hands over my chest, pushing the suit jacket off. her hands move fast, flicking open every button till my chest is bare.

she presses her lips to mine again, her fingers tugging at my hair. i moan at the pull, surprising myself and her. she breaks the kiss and smiles down at me.

"i could get used to that sound," she teases. something stirs in me. she's so hot.

i move my hands to the back of her dress, finding the zipper. i dont break eye contact, and her smile only grows as the dress starts falling apart on her.

i slowly drag my lips down her neck, and she lets out a shiver. i fight my smile and continue to leave hot, soft kisses down her shoulder, moving down to her barely hidden cleavage. yaera harshly pulls the dress down, having rolls of money fall out and exposing her chest.

***

yaera

san stares at me after my boobs stare at him. there's a dazed look in his eyes that disappears once he lowers his mouth onto my one boob and grabs a hand full of the other.

i throw my head back, lost in a cloud after feeling his warm mouth. he starts sucking and massaging, rolling circles over my nipple. this is heaven. or something close to it definetely.

i feel my thighs tightening, warmth seeping down from my lower stomach. i try to stifle my moans, my mouth just barely gasping. he looks up at me, pausing on his motion. "you dont have to hold back. i told you i'll give you anything you want tonight," he whispers.

i hold his face with both my hands, feeling like i could cum from just staring into his eyes. "i only want you," i admit direly. i'll take anything he gives me. "but rubbing on you would be nice too."

he leans back, making me yearn. "okay, open wider."

hearing those words just makes me hotter. i get up from his lap and completely remove my dress, both of us just ignoring all the money on the floor. san's eyes hang on my every movement. im in nothing but black lace, and i dont waste time in throwing myself on his lap again, legs parted and ready.

he brings his lips to mine again, both softly and yet completely taking them as his own. his hand slips between my thighs, slowly trailing up like hes carressing fragile ceramics. i shiver as he gets closer to me, his hand finally slipping onto the base of me. he drags his thumb down my clothed folds, wrapping his arm around my waist to pull me closer.

i try to focus on kissing him, dragging my teeth down to his neck. i lose myself when he starts rubbing me with both fingers, feeling that jolt of warmth coursing through me.

my mouth is parted as my face is buried in his neck, pathetic whimpers pumping out of me. san starts going in circles, right in the perfect spot. i do myself the favour and move the fabric to the side, his warm fingers completely melting inside me as he pumps them in and out.

i know im doomed when i hear myself squelching. his rhythm is perfect, not too slow and not too fast, just enough for me to completely feel him and fade cloudily. i feel my high coming, my thighs starting to tense and my grip on him tightening. i start to kiss him frantically, till san keeps pushing his fingers faster. i feel like a hot coil, going and going till before i know it, im dripping all over his fingers.

i collapse onto his lap and he slowly drags them out, and i hear him prop them into mouth. i look at him with an accomplished smile on my face, shaking my head.

"you sick fuck, did you just taste me?"

san shrugs with a small smile on his face. "yeah, can you blame me?"

i cant contain myself, i kiss him again. i dont even feel close to done. "let me do something for you now?" i say against his lips.

"mmm mmm," san shakes his head, gently gripping my waist. "i just want you to feel good. do you?"

i nod. "i feel better than ever. but really, you dont want anything?"

he lets out a heavy sigh. "i didnt want to tell you this, but you feeling things makes me...feel things."

oh he just became ten times hotter.

i realize it now, while sitting so close to him, i can feel his massive boner poking me through his pants. i smirk to myself, getting an idea.

"oh no, you have that look on your face again," san mutters, moving my hair back. "what are you thinking?"

"readjust your friend. so i can sit on him."

san goes quiet, but i can feel him pulsing underneath me. its sensation is sending me into fucking heat all over again.

"i dont think we should go too far," he says. "dont get me wrong, i want to. i really do. but i dont think you're feeling hundred percent...after everything."

my smirk drops. i dont want to think of him. not right now. not while i have san's hands all over me. but i guess its not a good look if i do just jump his bones after everything that happened.

he holds my face in his hands and squeezes after i say nothing. "and dont think its because you're not pretty or anything. seriously, i dont know why you would even say that."

i shrug. my black and white state of thinking has never really helped me.

san picks up a pillow up and tosses it against the wall. "come on, lets fall asleep. we can talk again in the morning."

"okay," i mutter. i dont know what else to say. i get off him and and crawl into his bed. san follows after, his hot skin completely blanketing me as he puts his arm over my body and draws me against him.

"are you gonna act like nothing happened tomorrow again?" i ask.

silence.

"no. stop worrying."

his curt words dont register in my brain, because he places a warm kiss on my shoulder. it doesnt take me long to completely drift to sleep.

***

wooyoung

wooyoung knows he fucked up. he knows its all fucked up, he just doesnt know when he's going to tell san about it.

miss A is looking at him with cold eyes, he cant even utter a word because of the fear inside him. seonghwa is sprawled out on a broken couch, horrific burns all over him. hes barely alive, but he had it in him enough to tell everyone about what went down at the warehouse.

"changbin is dead, you know this right?" miss A tells him.

"yes, ma'am," he utters pathetically.

"so you know what you and lucky have to do."

he knows he cant stay a bitch in this gang for long. he knows its going to get real. petty stuff is all wooyoung is used to. extortion, scamming people. when he watched yunho die, a fear he thought was so far away just flashed infront of his eyes. he knew he'd come to be on the other end someday.

"you find that man...and you bring me his hand. or else, i'll have yours."

***

A/N: pls this chapter was a mess im sorry and it took forever to write , the next will be better 😭😭😭😭

NEXT CHAPTER

tagslist: @yujispinkhair @brown88 @sansonlygf

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 13: SOMEONE IS COMING

warnings: murder, arson.

wc: 5141

prev chapter

***

"alright, hurry up! we don't have all night!"

seonghwa chuckles, watching changbin's short frame from above. he leans against the railing of the upperfloor of the warehouse, a cigarette between his lips as he observes the lower ranks moving merchandise. he's getting bored already, but changbin's loud and authoritative voice in that tiny body proves to be sufficient entertainment.

changbin sighs and shakes his head, somehow his eyes drift up toward seonghwa. he seems startled, as if not expecting the man's face. it brings him to seonghwa in just a minute.

"miss A said all the big dogs would be here. i didnt know that meant you too," changbin says.

seonghwa snorts, his lips curving slyly. "am i not the biggest dog?"

changbin raises his eyebrow. "you are, that's why you should be on the tightest leash."

killing other gang members are not allowed under any circumstance unless they turn out to be traitors. changbin is as loyal as they come, but that didn't make seonghwa's hand itch any less. its curved around his hunting knife, which happens to be resting in the pocket of his long black coat.

"why do you want me gone so bad, Binnie? am i bothering you by being here?" seonghwa asks, sighing dramatically.

changbin bites the inside of his cheek. he'd heard about seonghwa when he was a junior in the gang, a bitch and a nobody. when he moved up, the man was still like a tale told by pirates. folklore. always in the shadows. he only saw him once or twice, either gambling or killing people.

yunho was an avid gambler. you would always find him at a table, whether it be at a restaurant, in a club, a casino. he was there. yunho made a lot of bets he couldnt pay up, and he lost often. seonghwa was his final collector. he paid the ultimate price.

"i think everyone in the streets know you offed Dirty Ho," changbin leans in closer to whisper. it only makes seonghwa's grin widen, thinking that changbin could be scared of death.

"point is, i dont know if you should be here. not sure why miss A would let you come to some small fry work like this."

"do you really not know, Binnie?" seonghwa frowns mockingly. "are you really a big dog yourself?"

"i know this is bait for the black dragons. but come on! its too obvious, dangling yunho's killer infront of them? everyone knows this...if the black dragons know you're here they'd know..."

seonghwa lightly slaps changbin on his shoulder, making him pause in his rambling.

"dont underestimate miss A. she knows what she's doing. she anticipated yunho would run and knew how to intercept him. now she's luring the BGs out. has she ever been wrong?"

then, as if fate thought this was a movie or videogame, gunshots erupt from outside. seonghwa and changbin's heads turn together like alert birds, their hands instantly going to their weapons.

changbin moves to run, but seonghwa grabs him by the bicep, making the man turn with a glare. "what are you doing? cmon! they're here!"

seonghwa coolly shakes his head. "we have lots of boys out there. let them come to us."

changbin's clenches his jaw, hating that idea completely. but seonghwa's ranked far higher than him, so he hits brakes and hangs back, refusing to untighten his grip on his knife.

the chaos outside grows louder. eventually there's a loud boom outside. a bright orange glow flashes by the entrance of the warehouse. it dims after a few seconds, but its still there. a fire?

men start running inside the warehouse, some of them getting blasted in the back. guns. seonghwa finally pulls a pistol from his pocket and points it at the entrance, waiting for the enemy to walk in.

it never happens. instead the entire place starts smelling like gasoline.

changbin keeps tossing looks of stress to seonghwa, irritated that they arent doing anything. "we can't just stand here!" he says, exasperated.

seonghwa doesn't really care. he looks past changbin's buff shoulders, seeing another figure on the mezzanine. he smiles, because its another assassin.

he's got red hair, noticable ear piercings and glint in his eye that seonghwa has definetely heard of before. there's something in his hand. changbin stiffens when he realizes its a match.

"the butcher?" the man asks with a tilt of his head. he looks changbin up and down then snorts with disgust. "you don't look like much to be having that kinda name?"

"im the butcher," seonghwa speaks up, his smirk growing. "and you are?"

"thats Fangs," changbin says, a pathetic waver present in his voice. "kim hongjoong. he's been in prison for armed robbery and murder for years?"

hongjoong smiles. "well, i got out. and im looking for a few people."

"me?" seonghwa grins. changbin is terrified by how normal the conversation is going when a black dragon is right infront of them. hongjoong only chuckles, then launches his entire body at changbin.

changbin's knife hits the steel, with hongjoong kicking it through the railing. seonghwa jumps in, trying to pull hongjoong from changbin's body, but as he's lifted, hongjoong kicks changbin in the chest, sending him folding over the railing.

seonghwa is pushed against the other side of the railing as hongjoong struggles, attempting to stab him. seonghwa has just enough speed to evade, but hongjoong's knife catches his leg, forcing him to let go.

seonghwa hits the floor, blood spurting from the wound above his knee. he grounds his teeth as hongjoong smiles and stands above him menacingly.

"ive come out of retirement for you fucker. where's the other two?" he asks, flipping the knife between his fingers.

who? seonghwa looks at him in confusion through his pain, trying to move back. hongjoong ends up stomping on his other leg, forcing his heel into it. seonghwa screams in agony, glaring through his hair.

"what the fuck are you talking about?!" he yells.

hongjoong throws out a punch, knocking seonghwa to the side. "dont scream, fucker. thats rude. where's the other two bastards that got our buddy killed?"

when seonghwa doesnt answer, hongjoong sighs and moves back, lighting the match.

"what are you doing?" seonghwa coughs, eyes going wide.

"tell Miss A this is a gift from us to her."

hongjoong drops the match down the mezzanine, setting the bottom floor of the warehouse alight. flames burst to life, spreading to nearly all corners. screams erupt from the bottom, ending the already dying men.

"fuck you!" seonghwa screams, finally pulling his pistol and pointing it at hongjoong. it barely spends a second in his hand before hongjoong boots him off the edge of the mezzanine, sending him thrashing into the flames below.

***

Yaera

i decided to go looking all over the house for san. after five minutes of being bored and horny, i didnt want to be just sit and wait for him to be finished.

where there's potential for more blackmail, i go exactly there.

not that i dont trust san, but if any of this goes wrong for me, i need to remember what im doing this for. if i ever need more money, yeosang is right there. im not going to pass up that golden opportunity.

i stiffen when i get downstairs, running right into jongho. he runs me into the wall, pausing when he sees me. he's beaten up still, he looks horrible. and his eyes are burning with hatred when they finally take me in.

we stand there for what feels like forever, but its only ten unbearable seconds. he moves past me with a purpose, no words exchanging between us.

and where the fuck is he going so determinedly?

jongho only really hangs in one place at a party, with yeosang. where yeosang is, usually there's more expensive booze, a bunch of girls and probably drugs.

and the situation on this night, is i need to be exactly where yeosang is.

i follow jongho, the blasting music masking the sound of my persistent steps going after him. he's marching, he doesnt even once look behind him. i guess he's pissed.

i dont know the layout of this place, but jongho cuts through an empty room and stops infront of the door. i slide behind a wall quickly, knowing he most likely turned around to check for anyone. the music is muted in this part of the house, so i only come out from behind the wall once i hear the opening and shutting of the door.

i go the same route, finding a dim hallway and no jongho. it reminds me of the sketchy place i followed san after school the first day i met him. weird time to get deja vu but i came prepared. i creep down the hallway and cautiously peer around the wall at the end, seeing san and wooyoung standing infront of yeosang.

yeosang's sitting on a couch in what looks like a garage. and he has a shit-smug grin on his face. san's fist is clenched and wooyoung looks tense. oh yeah, this definetely isnt going well.

“money?” yeosang lets out a laugh. “youre not getting any money.”

"what?" san snaps.

“you disrespected me, and these rosies are to make up for the shitty service. its a gift so that i stay a part of your shitty clientele. i dont owe you shit, lazarus. all this is mine.”

what the fuck is going on. i dont hear the next few words that get exchanged. i pull my taser from my jacket pocket, readying myself for any and all bullshit. i know its about to hit the fan.

jongho grabs a lamp from the corner of the room, hitting it right over san's head. the glass shatters against it and he drops to the floor, out cold. wooyoung screams and tries to attack jongho, but he's struck in the face with the base of the lamp, the attack too quick to dodge.

wooyoung falls to his knee and jongho finishes him with a punch to the face. he flops down next to san and i grind my teeth. jongho continues to beat them both, alternating kicks in the stomach between them.

"fucking! assholes!" he kicks with every word. "fucking! lowlives!"

"alright relax, buddy, they're out." yeosang chuckles. the girls on his couch arent reacting. they should be running for the hills right now. how much is this bastard paying them?

"nah. ive been wanting to do that for a long time," jongho grunts. "its personal."

"i get it. have you seen marino around?"

"ran into her. as soon as i find that bitch again she's done."

"you have my permission to escort her out of the party." yeosang raises a glass to jongho. he drops the lamp and takes it, swallowing it all in one gulp.

these assholes.

i come out from behind the wall, holding the taser behind my back. "you got anything to tell me, jongho?" i say, feigning curiousity.

they both jump in their skin when they see me. "fucking hell," yeosang breathes. "were you here the whole time? you're creepy, marino!"

"i only show when im summoned," i force a smile. "well? care to explain what happened to my friends?"

"they got what they deserved," yeosang answers cockily. "honestly, you're not so innocent. so you might too."

i hum and turn my eyes on jongho, who's borderline hyperventilating. he's pissed angry when he sees me, his face reddening and his shoulders just barely steady. its scary, but its nothing i havent seen before. jongho isnt the most stable person out there, ironic i know, coming from me. i guess thats why we gravitated towards each other back then.

"you bitch!" he yells and marches towards me. he grabs me by the neck and forces me against the wall, pushing me up. my head knocks against the surface and i yelp, steadying my breath. fuck okay, we're doing this.

his body presses me into the surface, and i barely have space to breathe with his angry breaths fanning me in the face.

"i hate you so fucking much," he hisses venomously. "everyday i wish it was you that was gone. i regret it. i regret everything we did. i wish i never met you!"

"likewise," i squeeze out, and he harshly grabs my face with his hand.

"dont bullshit me. i know you loved me," he scornfully laughs and i feel myself getting triggered. "you loved me and i only loved her. thats why you took all my pictures of her. you want me to forget her but i wont. i'll only remember her. i'll only cherish her. but you? i'd toss you away any fucking day, yaera. any fucking day."

yeosang gasps dramatically. "woah, marino. are you gonna let that slide?"

a single tear escapes me. not because im hurt. i just cant believe i ever loved someone like this. im beyond embarrassed. pissed at myself even. i beat myself up about it enough. now this? fuck no.

"oh yeah jongho?" i smirk dryly. he clenches his jaw harder. he wanted a different reaction out of me.

"yeah, yaera. you mean nothing to me."

"feelings mutual," i grit out and put the taser into his stomach.

jongho instantly lets me go, turning red as his entire body starts thrashing with electricity. he drops to the ground and screams, his reaction prompting yeosang to jump up from the couch. and the girls on him finally burst out running.

"what the fuck?!" yeosang screams. he moves to come towards me and i hold out the taser, making him jump back. he narrows his eyes at me, lifting his arms in surrender.

"you want some too?" i challenge.

"you have NO idea what you're getting into, yaera!" yeosang snaps, taking me aback. i smile, i cant believe i made kang yeosang lose his cool. that's the first time i ever heard him raise his voice, well at me anyway.

i use my foot to shake wooyoung awake. he stirs and looks up, disorientated. a trail of blood leaks down his lips from his nose.

he winces and feels his nose, letting out a hard groan. yeosang is frozen in fear as he stares at wooyoung. he tries to run but wooyoung springs at him, tackling him into the ground.

"bitch!" wooyoung screams as he grabs yeosang's hair, using it to slam his head into the floor multiple times. after a while they stop struggling and yeosang is dazedly looking up at the ceiling.

i move and try and wake san up, who is just gone from that head hit. i touch his hair, looking in horror at my fingertips as blood sits on them.

"i think the lamp cut his head," i say to wooyoung.

wooyoung curses and gets up, not before spitting on yeosang. he bends down next to me, shaking his head at his knocked out friend.

"lets carry him out to the van. i dont wanna be here another second."

i sneak a look at yeosang. "what about him?"

wooyoung scoffs. "fuck him. we'll get him back for this. he wont get shit from us after this."

maybe then he'll take up sobrierity. i take san's one arm and wooyoung takes the other and we carry him out of the garage, leaving those two assholes passed out where they are.

carrying san out of the party goes unnoticed. he looks like just another drunk guy who partied too hard. but im worried because of the blood in his head. im sure there's still left over painkillers and bandages from when i took care of his first wound. i lay san down in the backseat and slide next to wooyoung in the front.

its awkward as we start driving. wooyoung isnt even playing music. hes just gripping the steering wheel with his jaw clenched.

"you need me to check that nose of yours?" i ask him to break the tension.

"didnt realize you were a registered nurse," he snarkily answers. geez. "its not broken. you can lay off."

this guy is such an asshole. i dont ask him anything further, choosing to focus on the road.

"how did you know where we were?" he suddenly brings up, tossing me a distrustful look.

"what?"

"at the party. how did you know where to find us?"

"i followed jongho," i shrugged. "he looked like he was going somewhere serious. and i had a gut feeling. then i found you both."

wooyoung nods and sighs. he looks like he wants to thank me but doesnt know how. i just take the fact that he's asking as a thanks.

we pull up to san's place and wooyoung gets a phone call. he looks at the ID and scowls, cursing again before answering.

"yeah?" he says. it takes five seconds to pass, then his entire face changes.

"what happened?" he stammers.

i should move but i dont. i sit there and watch wooyoung's expression change from angry to filled with fear in no time. i dont even think of how much time has passed when he puts the phone down.

"i need to go," he tells me, not meeting my eyes. "i'll put san to bed and dip. you need to stay here with him."

"i was going to anyway," i say. "wait, what happened?"

he's spooked. his tan complexion looks like a squid swam underneath his skin and inked it full of grey. he gets out of the van without answering me and goes around the back to pick up san. i get out to help him too.

we carry san into the elevator of his apartment building, the silence deafening. wooyoung's reflection in the mirror is haunted, and hes standing with his mouth half parted the entire time.

god, as if more bad news was needed. if this is how he's reacting i dont even want to know how bad it will affect san. i know its not personal.

when we get inside san's apartment, wooyoung and i put him down on the nearest bed, the one i always sleep on. he's completely lame, yet his face looks like an angel. i close him with blankets and wooyoung gives me a dead serious stare.

"do not open this door for anyone," he presses like im a child. "if you need help, san has knives in his sock drawer."

he slams the door and leaves, not even giving me a chance to answer. okay, that's fucking unsettling.

for the first time tonight, i look at my phone. there are missed calls from my family and i know im in trouble. i cant be bothered though. i send a text to my father letting him know im sleeping at a friends house, adding a selfie so he knows i am in fact alive.

i dont wait for a response and sit myself down at san's desk, looking at his fishtank. watching the mollies swim in circles eventually put me to sleep.

***

san

when i wake up, my brain feels like it fell down a flight of stairs.

the entire back of my head is throbbing and i cant even tell where i am. my vision blurrily focuses on the blue in my room, until it focuses on my fishtank. i try to get up, wanting to feed them, but as soon as i get to my feet i stumble into the wall. my arm is grabbed and my soul jumps inside me when i see yaera.

my mind is blank. "morning sunshine," she says with a soft smile. oh god.

i stare at her and shes wearing an old shirt of mine over the skirt she had on last night.

"did we sleep together?" i ask. i look down and my clothes are still on but i cant remember when i got home. all i remember is...

her lips on mine in a dark room and my walls and feelings of caring slipping rapidly.

"if i said yes would you be mad?" yaera grins. my face falls instantly and i hold my head, feeling more lightheaded. i fucking slept with yaera and i cant even remember. what a waste of space my life is.

"i cant believe this," i groan and pull at my hair, falling back onto my bed. this was NOT supposed to happen. why was i so weak?

yaera sighs and sits down next to me. "no we did not sleep together, pagliaccio. i'll pretend to not be offended by your reaction."

oh. i awkwardly look at her and she's glaring at me. i want to fall down a hole. so did the rest of the night happen...? was it real?

i want to ask everything on my tongue but all i can get out is, "what did you call me?"

"i called you a clown," she clicks her tongue in annoyance. "how are you feeling? does your head hurt?"

i nod, wincing. i must have had too much to drink. and i blame her, because i was trying hard to not care about kissing her. i couldnt do it without the liquid courage, i was too afraid. because i have never met anyone like her in my life.

"san?" she frowns at me. "do you remember what yeosang did to you?"

"yeosang..?" as i utter his name everything comes flooding back. that bastard.

i grind my teeth against each other and seethe. he robbed me. kang yeosang seems to think hes immortal. he seems to think nothing can ever go wrong for him. him and jongho both.

i laugh bitterly. "well, what a shitfest that party was, huh?"

"it wasnt all bad," yaera eyes me. i feel my face redden. i have to handle this soon. "but lets talk about what you're going to do about it. you gonna let him get away with it?"

i cant even think straight at the moment. "where's woo?" i ask her. surely he didnt just let things be. i know his impulsive ass probably left both yeosang and jongho with some missing teeth.

yaera frowns. "i dont know actually. he took off last night and seemed off. i think something happened. he got a phone call, put you to bed and then quickly took off. you should check on him."

phone call? it had to be from changbin then. we were due to hear from him anyway. i pull my phone from out of my pocket and there arent any missed calls for me. thats weird.

"do you think you're in trouble?"

her dark brown eyes are innocent like a deer's in asking me that. truth is, i dont even know. i dont know how to feel entirely. all i know is my head is spinning and i cant believe a thousand things.

"i dont think anything." i say honestly.

yaera lightly rubs my shoulder, a soft look in her eyes making my chest burn. this is bad. she becomes conscious of our contact, suddenly looking at her own hand and awkwardly pulling away.

"so...you're still going to be my date for tonight, right?" her voice is hopeful. i want to say no.

i want to say no because im scared. i dont want this. i dont want this kind of attachment.

"well, i did say i would be. plus its for business," i shrug. yaera lightly raises her brows, not pleased with that answer. of course she isnt.

"business, of course." she tightly smiles. "è tutto un affare per te?"

i scowl. "are you cursing me out again?"

she gets up and goes to the kitchen, pulling out a cigarette as she opens my fridge. i swear its like she moved in here. "at least that lamp didnt completely knock the common sense out of you. get ready and go shower, i promised my parents i'd be home soon and they have to meet you."

"what?" i stutter. "sorry??"

she turns around and gives me a deadpan look. "where fucking else are you going to get a suit for the gala? you have to come to my house remember?"

i shouldnt have said yes to this thing. i feel out of place and the energy between us is weird. i know im making it weird but i dont know how to act. we kissed. and were going to do much more than that. its not a good thing. theres no way this ends well.

i say nothing and go shower, my head hurting for more reasons than the lamp now.

***

yaera

all i can say is, i hate men. i hate them with a burning passion.

i hate my uber driver. and i especially hate the man next to me in this fucking uber.

san isnt saying a word to me. hes staring out the window as we drive to my house, completely avoiding conversation. coward. he couldnt keep his lips off me the night before and now he cant even look me in the eye.

a familiar feeling floods back. its an empty feeling. i dont know what it is, but i'd remember being filled with it back when jongho and i were the present.

he'd kiss me. and touch me. and he'd spill all his desires in my ear whenever we were alone. it was nice while it lasted, those few times he was mine. then we'd get around my sister. or her friends. and we'd get to school, and suddenly i didnt exist to him.

i was pathetic. i tried hard to get his attention. i'd move closer to him when he talked. even though we'd just insult each other. i'd try to make conversation when we were in a group setting. he'd respond and not look me in the eye.

then later on when we're alone again, he'd tell me how pretty i looked all day. he'd tell me how he couldnt wait till the day ended to see me. no matter how much he cussed at me, embarrassed me and humiliated me infront of others, he'd still want me to come back.

and i went back. so many times. and it was so fucking humiliating.

i swore to myself when it all ended. when i knew for certain he wouldnt ever care about me the way i cared about him, that i would never do this to myself again.

and yet here i am, the deja vu waving infront of me like a fucking flag in the wind. but somehow worse, because san wont even acknowledge what happened.

"thanks," i tip the uber driver and get out of the car infront of my house. i got my books and everything so my parents have proof i was out studying.

im in a shit mood so i dont say anything on the way to the front door. san is following behind me like a lost puppy and its pissing me off. i dont even want him as a date anymore, i just want to see him in a damn suit.

"what do i call your parents?" he asks me as i knock on the door.

"Mr and Mrs Cunt," i sarcastically answer, not looking at him. san sighs in response.

one of the maids open the door and i mumble a greeting before bulldozing through. i find my mother and father sitting at the kitchen island, both furious in the eyes as they see me.

i go kiss them on the cheeks. "mamma, papà."

my mother shoots me a dirty look. "and where the hell have you been? you smell like cigarettes!"

"i was hanging out with some friends and i slept over," i act casual, looking to my father. "i told you, didn't i, papá?"

"you sent me a message last night after being gone ALL day," he slams his cup onto the island, glaring at me. "what did i tell you, yaera?"

"is this that boy who had bruises all over his face the last time?" my mother asks, looking directly at san with narrowed eyes.

san is confused. he doesnt seem to recall when and where my mother has seen him. but i know. from the very next day we decided our partnership, my mother laid eyes on him.

she said he looks like trouble. man if she knew.

"mamma, papá, this is choi san. he's the guy who tutors me. he's also my friend from class and my date for tonight's gala," i introduced, getting growing stares from my parents.

"date?" they both repeat, scowling.

"san, this is my mother, monica marino and my father, ruan marino."

"hello, its nice to meet you all," san says and bows. god this is so awkward.

"so you are tutoring yaera in what?" my mother questions harshly. san gulps and his face screams unprepared. im annoyed at her crudeness but i knew it was inevitable.

"biology, Mrs Marino."

"have the two of you slept together yet?"

"mamma!" i interject, sighing. she wears a twisted grin. san is just standing there like he wants to fade into the wall.

"im sorry. im not sure what you mean, Mrs Marino?"

"has my daughter thrown herself at you?" she repeats more harshly. "are you the reason she keeps sneaking out?"

shes always fucking doing this.

"Moni, we called the school, remember?" my useless father finally decides to speak up instead of just being a bystander. "the headmaster said he is a good kid. one of the best."

"hmmm, they're all good kids in the faces of adults. its when they are out of your sight when you truly see who they are. look at yaera, she acts innocent here and then disappears and comes back smelling like every substance under the sun," my mother scoffs.

"but anyway, welcome to our home, choi san. go with Mr Marino. he'll find you a suit to wear for tonight. are you familiar with Brioni?"

"polony?" san asks. oh god. its going to be a long night.

my mother smirks. "of course you arent. go and help him, mi amor."

my father sighs and abandons his food, beckoning san with a wave of his hand. the two of them disappear into the house and i cant help but stare at my mother tiredly.

"was that necessary?" i ask. "why did you embarrass me? ive been doing everything you ask of me. im here, im going to your events. i did the shoot."

"its not about what i want, yaera," my mother tightly says, irritated. "only when santo is happy with you is when i will be happy with you. now go shower, you smell like an old smoker."

i grit my teeth. if thats what it takes for her to be happy with me, then i guess none of us will be fucking happy.

***

next chapter

tagslist : @brown88 @yujispinkhair @sansonlygf

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

Girl i'm obsessed with the sfy fanfic i literally can’t stop thinking about it😭😭😭 i hope youre doing fine and can update soon! No rush tho🥰

THANK YOU SM, i updated yes and i knoa its been so long hopefully you guys like it😭

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 12: YEOSANG’S PARTY

wc: 6000 i think

warnings: suggestive smut (>:D ), violence, drugdealing

prev chapter

***

SAN

“what the fuck are we going to do, san?” wooyoung asks me, frantically pacing around my apartment. we haven’t even been to changbin yet, we rushed straight back, with me having to check the entire ride home if we were being followed.

im sitting motionlessly on my bed, my brain in overdrive and yet my body on autopilot. im terrified and i can’t even speak.��

“some fuckers tried to kill us, but why us? do you think its for Miss A???”

wooyoung’s stressed and frightened voice drags me deeper into my frozen state. i didn’t imagine what happened tonight. it was real. 

all i could think of was the night we captured yunho. it feels like forever since he died. he begged for his life, he screamed his lungs out till they were probably vibrating and raw. i tried not to think about him ever again since that day, but i watched him die. now theres a chance woo and i could end up the same way.

he comes up to me and grabs me by the shoulders, “can you say something man!” he yells in my face. 

i stare at woo tiredly, i know my calmness is aggravating him even more. “this is because of you, isn’t it?” my voice is neutral, but wooyoung immediately takes offense, moving away from me and putting a hand to his chest in both betrayal and disbelief. 

“me?”

“for what you did to that Mingi guy, from the black dragons.” i remind him. “you didnt have to shoot and rob him, but you did. and you didnt even kill him so they’re coming back for revenge.”

woo absorbs my words, filling with anger and realization in a sort of “i fucked up” way. “oh fuck!” he screams, gripping his hair. “oh my god. what are we gonna do, what am i gonna do? Miss A is going to kill me!!”

woo grabs onto my clothes again. “this isnt my fault alone, alright! you were with me, we were both there, we both attacked yunho and all those black dragons!”

“did i tell you to shoot mingi, wooyoung?” i finally lose my patience and snap. “did i tell you to fucking rob him too? sure we both went there to cause chaos, but that would’ve just been seen as us following Miss A’s orders. but you drew attention to us both, now we’re both in danger, because you couldnt think!”

i immediately feel bad for my words, seeing wooyoung’s shattered face. hes like a panicked puppy, standing there motionlessly, accepting he peed a puddle and someone stepped in his shit. 

“should i tell changbin it was all my fault then?” he asks hopelessly.

i cant even imagine what they’ll do to woo, he’s not like me. hes an actual gangster. he’ll probably be fatally stabbed or something worse.

“no, dont say anything. its too late now, lets deal with the blows as they come. we can figure something out.”

the fear in his eyes is real. im scared too, my chest feeling like its about to cave in just picturing that scenario. i dont know what to say to him, all i have is a very misplaced sense of hope.

“you should fall off the radar for a while.” i say after a strained silence. ”say you had to steal a car and disappear. i’ll ask the Mongols if they know a place you can be safe.”

“they’ll know im running away.” woo mutters. “and what if they hurt you for helping me?”

“i have a good portion of her money ready because of yaera. dont worry about me, and dont worry about Miss A, i’ll distract her.”

woo sinks to the floor, stress gripping his hair as he bows against the wall. he shivers as he struggles not to burst into sobs and its hard to watch.

“come with me tomorrow,” i say. “yeosang’s party. it’ll take your mind off everything. we can set that dickhead straight.”

“seeing kang yeosang’s face will make me feel worse, maybe if i could beat it in i’ll feel better.” he sniffles. i chuckle against my will but it quickly fades.

“i’ll see what i can do. alright?”

***

YAERA

i wake up to about 20 missed calls. 15 from anya, 3 from claire and 2 from irina. its an odd occurrence, but i smile. because i know what that means. 

first, i reach for my second cellphone out my bedside drawer. its an old nokia with buttons, my very first phone. i still hold onto it because im a sentimental shit. theres the old snake game i play when im feeling nostalgic.

i add claire, irina and anya’s numbers, then i call irina since the 3 of them are clearly together. 

“buongiorno, i miei angeli.” i greet, receiving silence on the end for a few moments.

“yaera?” claire blurts and i struggle to not explode into laughter.

“the one and only.”

“why won’t you answer your phone, bitch?” anya snaps. “or did you seriously just wake up?”

i roll my eyes. “get real, did you think i was gonna answer calls at 7am on a weekend? you have my attention now.”

“did you change numbers?” irina asks me.

“nah. just contact me on this number where these matters are concerned.”

“wow, how formal. sounds like you already know why we’re calling.” i can hear the smile in irina’s words.

“not like you guys are inviting me to sunbathe with you in Saint Tropez. im useful now, aren’t i?”

irina hums. “alright then, your samples weren’t too bad...” she’s downplaying, she loved it. “they were interesting. something new.”

i hum and say nothing. knowing someone who does cocaine regularly is interested in san’s product says a lot.

“whats it gonna take to get more?”

“its 500 a single bag of five pills.”

a dramatic gasp ensues and i know its anya’s. “what? hey, arent you in school, kid? you shouldn't be doing this.”

i snort. “didnt you drop out at like, entry level high school? you shouldn’t be encouraging education here.”

“it was 9th grade, bitch. and i dropped out to become a model.”

and now youre buying drugs from a teenager, i wanted to say but dont.”anyway, dont be those people with moral compasses. you know you called me because you want more.”

silence. i dont know why theyre pretending to second guess. they dont care what happens to me and i like it that way.

“can you sneak some to marco’s event?” irina asks.

“how many?” 

“make it nine bags. three for each of us.”

nine bags, five hundred each. san is not going to believe this. i cant stop smiling,

“deal.”

“hey, whatever you’re up to now, dont forget to be careful,” irina tells me, an uncharacteristic hint of concern in her voice. im almost touched. 

“you too, ciao.”

i hang up and immediately jump out of bed. i dial san on my normal phone, it goes to voicemail. i frown, remembering how he told me he doesnt have any plans except for yeosang’s party, which is tonight. i didnt hear from san last night either, ever since he went with wooyoung on whatever gang errand. i decide to get dressed in something hot, packing a bag with me. 

fuck, i never asked permission to go to yeosang’s party, and my parents cant stand him. its one of the few things we agree on. this is going to be a stealth mission it seems.

i put on a boyfriend shirt and plaid skirt, going downstairs. theres no one home, makes things easy for me. 

i dial san one last time to give him a chance to answer. voicemail again. a weird feeling hits me, what if hes dead?

i shake that thought, deciding to just head to his apartment and make sure once and for all.

***

SAN

“you guys haven’t been having any problems on that side, yeah?” changbin asks, sitting on his couch as he licks his fingertips counting the money woo and i returned with.

he’s a buff guy, filled with tattoos till his neck. his apartment always smells like weed and there’s a half naked guy just asleep on the floor.

woo and i turn to each other, shrugging. “not much. just a bunch of old bats complaining here and here. they still paid up though.” woo answers.

“good.” changbin looks up at me. “you still in school, lucky?”

i nod quietly.

“final year?” i nod again. he cracks a smile.

“explains a lot. Miss A must be bumping you to the big leagues soon. you’ll be out of that shithole you live in and making way bigger bank.”

i blink slowly. “huh?”

“youre gonna be promoted, look at all the hard jobs she has you doing!”

i figured shes trying to kill me, if anything.

“whats he gonna be promoted to?” woo questions with a frown. he knows my plans. he knows i dont want to rank up in any league, he knows i want out.

this is not part of the plan. 

“not a bitch, thats for sure. you cant always be doing these shitty jobs, lucky. even if your old man fucked up, you’re the one whos got potential.”

i say nothing. i squeeze my fist and take a hard breath, picturing my father’s face. if i could kill him i would. i would kill him in a heartbeat.

“what if he fails?” woo asks. changbin glares at him, probably wondering why he would even bother asking.

“trust me, you don’t want to fail. you’ll be wishing you ended up like that yunho guy if you fail.”

silence. my ears are buzzing and its driving me insane. i need to get out of here.

woo takes over talking, him and changbin get along well. he knows i cant participate because this weight is crashing down on me. i feel like im losing my mind.

now i have to worry about this stupid promotion that might take me out of school. not to mention the black dragons almost killing us.

“speaking of the BG. they’ve been quiet, Miss A doesn’t like it,” changbin says, making my blood freeze even more. 

i feign a shrug. “thats good, right? means they’re out of the way.”

changbin grimly looks at me. “they’re never out of the way. if you wanna survive around here, you have to never let your enemies go silent.”

“its only been two weeks.” woo nervously laughs. 

“Miss A thinks they might be planning some bullshit. theres a shipment coming in soon at the old town. a bunch of tvs and shit. our boys will be picking it up.”

“are you expecting something to happen?” i question.

changbin nods, his muscles bulging as he crosses his arms. “its a decoy. Miss A wants to see what they’re willing to do about yunho. so word spread on the streets. only the big boys are going. when you two rank up, you’ll be able to get involved.”

i dont want to get involved. this sounds like an easy way to get arrested or even worse, die. i dont want to die for this gang. i dont care how much i rely on their money. they are not going to ruin my life.

my phone rings suddenly. i can barely swipe on my screen because of all cracks and it takes me an embarrassing amount of time to answer the call.

“choi san here.”

“che cazzo! you’re alive? why aren’t you home?”

yaera. oh god shes by my apartment by herself. 

i panickedly look to changbin, unable to control my face in the moment. “are we done here?” i ask him.

he nods and shoos me away like a fly. i immediately bolt out of his house and to woo’s vans. all i can think of is last night and how close we were to being crushed by that mustang. its not safe.

“hello?” yaera calls again. “whats going on? are you alive?”

“i’ll be right home. dont go anywhere.”

***

san’s tone is worrying. im guessing last night didnt go as planned, that or he has disappointing news for me. i hope he didnt go see ningning without me. or all the good news i have will be pointless.

i light a cigarette out of worry, starting to relax a bit with the familiar drag in my lungs. it doesn’t take long for san to come running down the passage, wooyoung trailing behind him like a puppy after his owner.

he’s out of breath when he gets to me and i stare at him weirdly. “why did you rush here?”

he heaves hard breaths and starts unlocking his door. i eye wooyoung, who somehow looks worse. okay, at least i know whatever happened affects everyone. so much for good news.

we walk into san’s apartment and he throws suspicious glances outside before closing the door. he grabs my wrist and guides me to his bed and i struggle to not smile at the physical touch. san looks too stressed for me to be inappropriate.

“okay, so what made you look like you saw a ghost?” i sit down on the bed, killing my cig on my thigh. a familiar burn sears my skin but i swallow it, receiving horrid looks from both san and wooyoung alike.

“last night, someone tried to...kill us.” san mutters. “we almost got run over by a car.”

i dont know how to react. “did you see who did it?”

san shakes his head. “no, but we think its because wooyoung shot that gangster the night you followed us.”

i lean my chin onto my palm, dragging my other hand through my hair. god, just when things were getting quiet. “so they have some typa’ grudge against you?”

“yeah, so you cant just come and go as you please anymore,” woo says annoyedly. i turn to glare at him. 

“wooyoung,” san warns, receiving a shrug in return.”what he means to say is, we need a different place to meet up. until i know its safe, you shouldnt come here anymore. i dont want anything happening to you.”

i frown and pick at my burn mark from the cigarettes. that means no more sleepovers. no more seeing san come straight out of the shower with wet hair and no more sharing pajamas with him. how disappointing.

“yaera?” san furrows his eyes at me, checking if i understand. i nod and sigh.

“yeah i got it. theres a place near school, Rockstar Coffee. where we were supposed to meet up the first time. lets just go there to talk business.”

i guess i have to sacrifice our close proximity when we’re alone in his apartment for safety, so not worth it but whatever. i can tell san’s shaken up by the experience. his face is exhausted, yet still handsome. he doesnt need my safety on his conscience too, knowing all he has on his plate. that doesnt even count the things he doesnt talk about. 

“but i still want you at my house for our sessions,” i smile at him. wooyoung tenses up at my words, glaring between the two of us. i actually immensely enjoy pissing him off.

“tutoring sessions,” san quickly says. wooyoung didnt even say anything, his face says enough i guess.

“wow, you tutor her too, sannie?” wooyoung fake laughs, unimpressed. it looks like he wants to ask, what dont you do for her.

feeling a childish streak go through me, i say, “nah, we just make out during sessions. its easier than bio.”

“hey!” san blurts, his ears reddening.”whats wrong with you? dont say that.” he turns to wooyoung defensively, “that never happened. shes joking.”

wooyoung rolls his eyes. “oh fuck the both you.”

“im just kidding, dont get your panties in a knot, wooyoung.”

“san, just give her her share of the money so she can go home.”

my ears perk up under my hair and i feel like a god who just heard its favourite word. “my share of the money?”

san nods and tiredly points to an angry wooyoung., who has moved to the kitchen, putting pans on san’s stove. 

“another reason we almost got squashed by that car is because woo not only shot a rival gangster, but robbed him of all his gambling cash too.”

woo stiffens slightly, saying nothing. he feels guilty, and he should really. he put san in danger, himself too, but he already knows that, which is why hes quiet.

he better not talk about me endangering san ever again.

san goes to his room and comes out with a bag. he spills cash out onto the bed, leaving me in awe as i sweep my hands across the bills. i picture my future in an instant. im on a train to lecionna beach. its quiet there, im by myself and im free to dissolve in the waves and current.

“this is yours,” he tells me. “everything. woo and i already took our share.”

i could kiss him. i really could.

“can i get a ‘thank you wooyoung for shooting that dickhead and stealing you cash you dont deserve’ !” wooyoung childishly shouts. 

“thank you for making such awful decisions that benefit me, how’s that?” i scrunch a smile at him.

i take the money and slide it into the bag it was, then into my backpack. i dont even know how much there is, but its enough to make me blush. blackmailing choi san has changed my life for the better.

“to top this off, i have good news,” i grin at san. “our newest customers have put in an order of nine bags of rosies for my parents gala.”

“your model friends? that much already?” san’s adorable mouth parts open.

“yeah, and i definetely overcharged them.”

“you’re a genius.”

i smirk. im glad he agrees. “you know what that means, right? you have to go with me as my date.”

san’s smile is quick to revert to his signature scowl. “why can you do this business by yourself?”

i get up and grab his hands. he goes wide-eyed. “choi san, you are going to be my date to the party, where im selling your drugs. you can come to my house and get dressed, i have a tux waiting for you. and its sunday night, which means you have the entire day to recover from yeosang’s party.”

he groans defeatedly. wooyoung shakes his head in the kitchen. “god, youre like obsessed with him.”

i nod, unfazed. “i am.” san pulls his hands from mine, quickly putting distance between us. i smirk to myself, knowing a man like him constantly folding with nervousness around me is exactly what i need. this crush is moving in my favour.

“are you going like that...to yeosang’s party?” san queries without looking at me. coward. instead hes fiddling with his books at his desk like a loser. i need him so bad.

“yeah i am. do you like it?”

“well if you’re not going to change, and you’re just going to hang around here for a few hours...then i have an idea.”

he thinks i dont notice he conveniently didnt answer my question. san pulls up his notes and books, putting it down on the bed. i look at him with disgust.

“let’s study,” he has the nerve to smile at me. 

i poke my cheek with my tongue. “what if i dont want to?”

“then i wont be your date to that thing.”

he’s impossible. “geez, why are you making me learn bio on a weekend?” i whine.

san props himself down on the bed, putting on his glasses as he picks up the notes. he leans on his elbow, smiling up at me. is he..seducing me?

“cmon marino, i dont have all day.”

mmm. addressing me by my surname. a shudder runs through me. everyone calls me by my last name, but it sounds like heaven coming from him. he really is seducing me, worst part is, its working. which is cheating, its not like he had to work hard.

i throw myself down next to him, smiling against my will. 

“i’ll be in the other room, trying Not to throw up.” wooyoung interrupts, walking through the other room and slamming the door as loud as possible.

san and i share a look before bursting into chuckles, and its like i forget every bad thing thats ever happened to me.

***

we get ready when the afternoon rolls around. san’s a punctual guy, surprisingly. and simple. he spends just minutes in his room with wooyoung, coming out in a plain black tshirt and jeans. wooyoung comes out in a camo bomber jacket and black cap, the both of them looking insanely attractive.

“you guys look good.” they smell good too, like those athletic bodywashes that smell like both a mountain and a refreshing mint. 

san looks down before muttering an awkward thanks. wooyoung is refraining a scowl.

“you don’t look horrible either, i guess.” 

“hope you guys plan to behave tonight. dont get me kicked out before i get enough ammo.” 

“ammo?”

“she’s a thief.” 

woo looks back at me, brows furrowed and all. “you’re a klepto?”

“no, i pick my battles. but with yeosang, its personal. he’s a dickhead.”

san snorts. “can say that again. let me get that loser’s rosies before he loses his shit for the millionth time.”

wooyoung drives us in his odd van, and im tempted to ask what junkyard he scrapped it out of, because seriously. it looks like its used for human trafficking, the black colour and tinted windows extremely ominous. its not subtle either, which cant be a good thing.

yeosang’s house is a massive Mediterranean palace. headache inducing lights with ear-numbing edm blasts my ears as san and i zig-zag through people. and i hold his hand so neither of us get lost in the crowd. 

its necessary, yet when i do it, the warmth of his skin wafts into me and i feel myself getting lightheaded. woah, i dont think i ever experienced that with jongho before.

i scowl at myself internally. i should stop comparing every normal and physical interaction i  have with men to the fucked up things we did and with a man who never cared if i lived or die.

we end up stopping at a makeshift bar by the outside pool, where people are doing flips into the water and lounging around with colourful drinks. yeosang knows how to throw a party, im sure half the people here cant even stand him. but hes just that popular.

“so whats the move?” wooyoung asks loudly, somehow overpowering the music. he leans at the edge of the bar, stuffing his bomber jacket pockets with his hands.

“lets wait till he shows his face,” san says, staring at the flashing windows of yeosang’s house. the party is even crazier inside. “its his party, he knows we’re coming. he’ll look for us.”

i wave to the guy behind the bamboo poolbar, asking for shots. we might as well look like we’re here to party. he slides me a tray of drinks and i pass it on to san and wooyoung. wooyoung takes the shot and has little to no reaction, pfft, what a tough guy. he slams the glass back onto the tray and nods lazily to the house. ‘’im gonna go take a look around for that bozo, he knows my handsome face by now.”

san gives him a nod of agreement, and i smile, internally thanking wooyoung for leaving me alone with his dear friend. i take a shot and smile as i swallow, till my face contorts into a sour grimace.

san wasnt even reaching for his glass. “you not going to drink?” i ask curiously.

“dont want anything in my system when i talk to yeosang,” he says, shrugging his broad shoulders. “that guy drains the fuck out of me.”

understandable, but i dont care about yeosang right now. i move forward towards san and almost instinctively he turns his chest toward me, looking down at me in a way that has my stomach warming up. lord, he is so fine.

“you smell really good,” i blurt. im not even drunk, i just feel my hormones doing a hostile takeover. 

san doesn’t say anything. he lightly licks his lips, no smile present on his face. hes just staring at me. i want him even more when he looks cold, i need therapy i know. 

“why do you keep doing that?” he leans forward, his hot breath lightly brushing my ear. theres a familiar warmth pooling below my stomach.

“doing what?” my voice is taut and airy. oh NOW i want to be shy? yaera, you’re a loser.

he doesnt decrease his distance, despite our close proximity. “you keep saying things infront of wooyoung. things like...that. why? he’ll misunderstand our relationship.”

i look up at him and our faces are inches apart. i just had to take half a step to eliminate the distance between his lips and mine. i cant hold back my smug-as-shit grin. “i like pissing your friend off. besides, whats wrong with him misunderstanding? its not like he’s wrong.”

“what?” i can see his body tighten. 

“i mean every single thing i say about you.”

maybe its the tequila making me bold. either way, i dont care. as long as choi san knows where he stands with me, im tired of tiptoeing around it like i dont fantasize about him every night. 

san stares at me deeply, for a concerning amount of time. just...processing. his delayed reaction is a forced chuckle. “wow. you should be an actress, yaera.” 

he retreats back a step, disappointing me. the air infront of me is empty. fuck no. 

“you dont believe me?” i raise a brow and move infront of him again. “why are you backing away then? are you scared?”

he doesnt answer. san reaches for the shot behind him, downs it quickly, then tosses the glass. he looks back at me, first at my eyes, then my lips. he pushes out a hard sigh before tugging me by the wrist, having me stumble into him. in a blink his lips are pressed against mine, my breath immediately hitching in my throat. his warm hand gently holds the back of my neck while im leaned into him, savouring the softness of his lips and the taste of his mouth.

its fucking happening. i pull away to breathe. god i dont care anymore, im staring at him like i could devour him, and honestly i could. i really want to.

his breaths are harsh, like he didnt breathe in that moment either. it ended too quickly, i want more. i need more.

“lets get out of here,” i say, unashamed. 

san nods, lips still parted slightly from the kiss. i grin and lock our hands, dragging him back to the house. 

i cant contain my excitement. my legs are taut and my skin is hot, and all i can think of is how his lips are warm petals, and everywhere else they could be.

we barge into the first empty room we can find. san grips my waist as i kick the door closed, pushing me up against a desk. i slide myself onto it, parting my legs so he can put himself between them. san does just that, his hands gripping my thighs and carressing them, until they flutter all the way under my skirt. 

i pull his lips onto mine again, hungrily drinking him up. im selfish, i want to be under his skin. i want to completely absorb him. i felt that way since the day i saw him and not even a fraction of that feeling has chipped away.

impulsively, i grab and guide his hand further up my skirt. past the safe regions he’s been cautiously touching. he palms me over my underwear, the warmth of his hand with its motion making me let out lewd moan. it makes me lean my body into him so he doesnt see how embarrassingly weak i am.

“take it off,” i whisper. 

“are you sure?” his voice makes me pool even more. the darkness of the room, the air thats so suffocating because its filled with lust. i feel like im floating, craving a high even. san feels the dampness at his hand and i angle myself toward him so he gets the message. he starts rubbing me over my underwear, his one finger tugging on the inside of the fabric, about to move it aside. im clenching emptily, wanting nothing more than to be filled by him right now.

suddenly the door wildly flies open, making san jump away from me. i slam my legs shut quickly, everything hitting an abrupt wall as the both of us angrily look at wooyoung. i fight the urge to scream, this guy just has the best fucking timing.

“i dont even wanna know what the fuck you two were doing,” he groans in disgust, dramatically shielding his eyes. “san, yeosang’s looking for us.”

san groans aloud, adjusting his jeans. my eyes drop below his stomach and i fight the urge to smile. i cant believe i did that. he looks at me longingly for a moment, his eyes telling me we’ll continue this later. i hold onto it when he leaves.

as soon as im alone i want to scream and finish the job. but i want san to take care of it. i want him to fix what he created down there. so instead i decide to distract myself. im sure i can find some decent valuables in this room.

***

SAN

i thought facing yeosang drunk was embarrassing. facing him with a boner however,w as something out of a nightmare. 

“you look red as hell. had your fun tonight, lazarus?” yeosang mocks me when i step into his garage. hes leisurely laying on a couch with some girl passed out on his stomach.

“did she come here out of her own free will?” i ask him sourly. 

“who? this chick?” yeosang grins and playfully twirls strands of the girls hair. “look at me. dont they all, man?.”

no. not all of them.

“well, where are my rosies? chop, chop. you owe me to be fast after being so fucking mean to me and sending people i dont know to do your job,” he suddenly snaps. i swear this guy isnt well up there, i got cockblocked to deal with a drug addict.

“wooyoung isnt someone you dont know, you’ve seen him before.” i sneer and pull out his stuff. i toss the pills to him and he catches it superhumanly, holding it in the air with a cocky smile.

“yeah ive seen his face. not of my own free will though.” yeosang says and smells the pills deeply. he doesnt realize wooyoung would beat the shit out of him in a heartbeat.

“you arent a fucking delight, either bitch.” wooyoung fires at him.

“most people would disagree.”

“alright, give me my money so we can all go back to enjoying the party.” i tightly say. i desperately need to go back to what i was doing. god i can still feel her on me. i cant think straight.

“money?” yeosang laughs. “youre not getting any money.”

my face instantly drops. “what?” 

“you disrespected me, and these rosies are to make up for the shitty service. its a gift so that i stay a part of your shitty clientele. i dont owe you shit, lazarus. all this is mine.”

i clench my jaw and teeth. “whats to stop me from beating the fuck out of you right now?”

yeosang smirks. “oh like you did to jongho?” wooyoung and i look at each other warningly. “i know everything. and that was seriously uncool of you, lazarus. this is personal, not just for me, but for jongho too.”

i dont see it coming. something hard hits me in the back of my head, glass shattering over it. i instantly see spots and the ground falls closer, till i see nothing at all.

***

NEXT CHAPTER

tagslist: @yujispinkhair @brown88 

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

hii! just letting you know that sfy fic was so so goood😖 one of my fav!

TYSM !!! even tho its full of plot holes 😭 i'll update really soon i got my tumblr issue sorted out so im hoping to have a new chapter out by tn 🫶

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF MASTERLIST

includes: slow burn | sexual themes | drugs | crime | gang au | toxic relationships | mental health issues | unhealthy body image themes |sexual assault themes | violence | death | angst | stalking | self harm

DISCLAIMER!!!: this is an ot8 fic centred around choi san. none of the characters are good people. do not refer to them as role models and this is not an accurate depiction of how i see the members at all, it is purely for entertainment purposes.

Choi San, a straight A student with a promising future, his teachers adore him and he is considered the model student who keeps to himself.

Yaera Marino, a rich girl who will get a life of luxury no matter what kind of decisions she makes. She cares about cigarettes and few other things.What is it they have in common?

Well, being wolves in sheeps clothing.They'll do anything, be anything to get what they want. And that makes them dangerous, especially together.

When Yaera discovers San's suspicious and secret life outside of school, she makes sure to pay him back...in blackmail.

part 1

part 2

part 3

part 4

part 5

part 6

part 7

part 8

part 9

part 10

part 11

part 12

part 13

part 14

part 15

part 16

part 17

part 18

part 19

part 20

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 11: SHITTY REASONS WHY

wc: 8000 and change i think

warnings: stalking, drug use, violence, mental health issues

prev chapter

***

"fucking 90% on your calc test, are you kidding me?" jongho said in impressed disbelief. he handed yasmine her test script with a smile, sitting next to her outside the botanical garden of the school.

yasmine covered her face as she felt it redden, her smile going embarrassedly broad. "when i asked you to get my script, i didnt mean look at it!" she whined.

"no, but its really good!" jongho insisted. "keep that up and these 4 years will go by so fast. you'll be out of the country before you know it."

yasmine stared at her test, smiling fondly. she was good at math and science and was really interested in anatomy. it fascinated her, the human body. she knew exactly what she wanted to go into, the program, the university. it was still early, but she knew deep down.

but the problem was her parents. her smile was quick to fade.

"whats wrong?" jongho asked her, concerned. "you went all quiet."

"its just," she sighed heavily, already feeling stupid. "i could call my family about this and they probably wouldnt care. or they'd forget about it in an instant."

yasmine didnt want to sound like the cliche rich girl that never got attention. especially to jongho, who also had parents who were in and out of the country.

she frowned and shook her head, tucking her hair behind her ear as she laughed awkwardly. "its dumb, i know. im happy they let me model for them and stuff but i feel like they dont care about my other accomplishments, thats all."

"hey," jongho's gentle hands found her chin, stroking it softly. yasmine gulped as she stared at his handsome face that were giving her pitiful eyes. "im here. i care about your accomplishments."

yasmine sighed internally. that was the point. the reason. all right there.

there was something about venting to a man that just felt pointless. especially when he found you attractive. he'd somehow always make it about him. or make sure he looked good at the end of it. as if he was some solution to all your issues.

yasmine couldnt stand it. but she loved jongho as a person. so she never spoke her thoughts.

maybe it was his attention. she thought if she lost it, she would be worse off. after all, its not like she had her parents. they were in their own bubble more than half the time.

"thanks jongho," yasmine defeatedly muttered with a smile. standard procedure.

"i can tell you dont feel better, you know. you should come over later," he suggested. "we can have a few drinks and chill. watch a movie. i can make you forget for a while."

she'd be lying if she said she didnt want to forget. things were bad at home. constant arguing. yasmine was always getting told she was the only good thing in the house. the pressure to not fuck up was getting worse. when all she wanted to do was fuck up. she wanted to let loose. and be free.

she smiled again. "yeah yeah, i'll come over. will it just be us?"

jongho gave her an awkward smile. "do you want it to be just us?"

just as yasmine was about to answer, a message popped up on her screen, the notification tone blocking her words.

shit.

"crap," she hissed, standing up and dropping her bag from her lap, and all her things at once. "its yaera."

jongho groaned aloud. "ugh, what now?"

yasmine didnt miss the disdain in his voice. but she couldnt deal with his hatred for her now. her head was pounding just thinking of how bad the atmosphere would be when she got home.

"she skipped school and got drunk. shes at the police station, she got arrested," yasmine said with a heavy sigh. "they just called my parents."

"of fucking course," jongho said with a roll of his eyes. "im not even surprised. shes doing all this for attention you know."

"i dont think im going to be able to come over because of this," and just by those words jongho's anger rose to the surface.

"i fucking swear. she ALWAYS gets in the way of things," he snapped, making yasmine flinch. she knew he couldnt stand her but seriously?

"its not that serious, chill," she tried to say, but jongho just shook his head angrily.

"no but its true, isnt it? she keeps fucking up and then you have to clean up the mess. why doesnt she just run away or something since she wants to get kicked out so bad? shes just making everything worse at home!"

yasmine felt guilty. jongho wasnt wrong. everything argument these days revolved around yaera. her grades. her attitude. how she was in her own world. how she didnt have any goals. how she was stuck in her room and couldnt put in any effort. how lazy she was, how much space she took up. every single thing was a problem.

but yasmine wished she could help it. she tried before. fixing her sister. but all it did was made her latch onto her like a koala to a tree . then yasmine had to cut her branches. and now yaera was going off on her own, not telling her anything, acting out in ways worse than before.

"i dont get why shes doing this...i just," she felt exhausted just thinking about it. "something happened but she wont tell me. maybe i did something. maybe she got her heartbroken. shes been getting worse."

"theres nothing wrong with her," jongho scoffed. "shes just an attention whore. now that youre not attached to her hip shes acting out to make you feel guilty. dont fucking fall for it, yas."

he was so harsh. "the counsellor my parents got for her wants to send her to a therapist or psychologist or something. they think shes depressed or has something going on up there."

jongho bent his elbows on his knees and sighed, staring at his shoes. "i cant believe she fucked up you coming over. i wish she would just go away."

yasmine frowned and picked up her things, starting to pack them. jongho looked up at her broodingly. she was leaving.

"i have to get going," she said with an apologetic smile. "i'll talk to you later, yeah."

***

yaera

im pacing tirelessly in the dull sun, grey clouds hanging over and my stress levels up to my head. san is sitting on the grass with his backpack clutched infront of him, jongho's prized camera inside.

that asshole is so dead.

"whats taking this fucker so long?" i snap, my irritation erratic. i just want him to face me. to dare be so callous about what he did. it'll be funny, really. hearing his bs explanation.

"hes scared," san says, annoyingly calm. "he should be really. this looks really bad for him."

i stop in my tracks and stare at him dead straight. "arent you angry?"

he frowns in confusion. "angry about what?"

"about how he almost tried to frame you and pin it on you because you're poor. you're not angry about that?"

san shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. "im not worried about me right now. his stunt was cheap, but im not surprised. he'll get whats going to him, is all im going to say. wooyoung and i still have to have a talk with him."

"good," i say coldly. "jongho deserves whats coming to him."

san's eyes trail behind me and he suddenly stands up. when i whirl around to check, jongho is creeping up on me slowly, looking like he has a stick pressed up his ass.

"where's my camera?" he asks, giving san an annoyed look. "do you have it?"

i force a laugh and step infront of jongho as he tries to approach san. "im sorry? you owe me a fucking explanation."

jongho groans and looks down at me with disdain. "i change my mind. i dont owe you anything."

"what?" san asks harshly. there's an edge in his voice that makes jongho cautiously step back.

"why should i explain myself to you people?" he asks defensively, like a cornered animal. "she was my best friend. its natural that i have pictures of her. she was everything to me."

this fucking guy.

"pictures where she doesnt even know you're there? thats natural?" san scoffs. im gritting my teeth as my hands start to warm and twitch.

jongho lets out a dry laugh and rolls his eyes arrogantly. "shut up and give me my camera back you pauper."

"is it natural to have pictures of me too?" i bring up harshly, making jongho pause and look at me.

its the worlds most awkward eye contact. he doesnt look ashamed. theres nothing behind his eyes.

"i was going through a phase. it was grief," he says emptily. "just give me my camera back and we can act like this never happened."

"you really think its going to be that easy?" i laugh humorlessly. hes so used to getting his way.

jongho sighs irritably like this is some inconvenience, like getting the wrong order at a restaurant. "what the hell do you want, yaera? i explained to you, didnt i? i said it was grief."

"you didnt explain shit!" i burst. "and bullshit! you call this grief? you stalked yasmine while she was still fucking alive. you stalked her before she went missing. whats to stop me from taking this to the police right now to fuck you over?"

"no–" jongho suddenly steps forward, grabbing my wrists and tightening his fists around them. i stare at him in disbelief. san gets in the middle quickly and shoves him hard, making him stumble back and fall onto the grass.

jongho looks up deranged, like an even bigger drug addict than yeosang. "you cant take that to police!" he screams. "you cant. i wont let you. its all i have left of her."

"how do we know you didnt harm her sister?" san snaps. "you're clearly a sick fuck."

"i would have never harmed yasmine!" jongho shouts furiously. "she was my best friend dont you ever utter bullshit like that again!"

"yet you stalked her?"

"i was at the party the night she went missing, you idiots!" jongho gets up, practically heaving with rage. his dark eyes dart to me. "dont you remember, yae? i was fucking cleared before anyone else. i called your parents to ask if yasmine ever made it home. what the fuck are you accusing me of here?"

"i just want to know why you stalked her while she was still alive and kicking!" i burst out in frustration. "why did you stalk me too? what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"because..." he groans and starts to grip his hair hopelessly. "i just wanted to feel like i still had her."

san and i turn to look at each other, neither of us having any idea of what that meant.

"she was slipping away from me," he admits pathetically. "she was seeing someone. she wouldnt even tell me who, but he was better. richer. older too. i just wanted to pretend like she was mine. so i followed her. i followed her when she met him. i took pictures of them together. and then the one time i didnt follow her...she went missing and..."

an empty ache settles in my chest and i dont even have the words to describe how i feel. i dont know how im supposed to feel.

"and yaera?" san presses on. "why did you stalk her?"

jongho lifts his head to look me dead in the eyes, a distant gaze of regret and resentment buried deep inside. "a failed experiment. i tried to gain some control over my life again. i wanted to pretend like she was still here. like she was still around. so i followed you and–"

he doesnt get to finish that because i drive my fist into his jaw, knocking him back a few steps. jongho holds his jaw as san grabs my wrist and pulls me away, turning my body away from jongho.

i quickly shove him off me, not even bothering to enjoy the contact. it feels like my head is going to explode from all the rage clogging up inside. i cant believe this.

"you're such a fucking loser, jongho," i say with a bitter laugh. "and so very pathetic. yasmine died so you stalked me and pretended i was her? as if you didnt compare us enough when she was still alive. you're a sick, pathetic fuck!"

"you're the one who wanted to know so badly," he mocks me. "do you want to know why i stopped? because i realized you would never be her. or come close."

i stare at him in disbelief. "it must suck doesnt it? to know that even in death she surpasses you."

i hate him. i hate that he weaponises her death to trigger me. i hate that he keeps trying to enforce a rivalry with someone i love, who i will literally never see again. i hate him so much.

"hey thats enough. are there more pictures?" san asks him coldly. "are these your only ones?"

he hesitates before shaking his head. san scoffs.

"so if we came to your house and checked, there wouldnt be any more pictures?"

"you're not coming to my house!" jongho huffs.

"except we are. or else everyones going to find out how mental you are," san threatens. "we know you have more pictures. youre going to give us all of them. and i'll.make sure they get wiped."

"why are you doing this?!" jongho screams hopelessly, looking at san. there are tears in his eyes. this fucker has the nerve to cry. "you wont gain anything from this, you know? you're just–"

"get therapy, jongho." i interrupt him, accepting his anger.

"arent you the one who tried to kill herself?"

"thats enough!" san yells above both of us, grabbing my hand and glaring at jongho. "we'll see you after school."

we leave him on the field to stress and wallow in his own hatred, his eyes never straying from us until we're out of reach.

***

San

the fact that my future could have been ruined at just the beginning of the school day fills me with a sudden hatred i didnt even know i had in me. i never paid attention to anyone at this school, never had any friends because the rich and entitled pricks that floated in the halls of mountain creek legitimately drove me insane.

its happening again.

its lunch and all i can think of is pounding that asshole jongho's face in. i know its not smart though, so i hold myself together. i'll wait till i have enough leverage over him, then, i'll put a crack into his skull.

i text wooyoung about it while im on my way to my eating spot. hes excited to beat the shit out of someone again, and i know im not supposed to encourage his violent tendencies, but this time i would. wooyoung can be a loose cannon, hes still in so much trouble for what he pulled with the black dragons. but that enthusiasm is exactly what i need tonight.

the kind that makes rich creeps like choi jongho pay.

as im picturing his stupid face getting pummeled, something slams into my shoulder. or rather, a LOT of somethings.

im knocked into the metal of the lockers, my backpack sliding off my shoulders and my phone crashing to the floor. i hear the screen cracking further, which drives me insane. what the fuck. i dont have time to get a new phone.

i look up at the culprits and feel my blood boil.

players from the soccer team. they're all watching me with disgusted faces, all sporting their black and gold jerseys. fucking jocks. i always hated them.

"watch where you're going, guttercrust!" one of them yells at me. great, another slur for poor people. these assholes always have a bunch on hand.

i dont say anything. i dont want trouble. i just want to get to eat before this break ends. i reach down to pick up my bag and phone, but both are snatched out of my grip before i can graze them. my phone is kicked across the hall, and my bag is lifted over one of the soccer players heads, sending all my books tumbling out and onto the floor.

"what the hell!" i snap, grabbing my now empty bag from the guy's hands. they all cackle together, sounding like a choir of farm animals.

"thats only a fucking fraction of what we'll do to you," one of them says. "we know you took those stuff from the boys lockerroom. jongho wouldnt lie."

"yeah, maybe you wouldnt need to steal if you went to a school that fits your tax bracket." another adds and they all burst out laughing again.

i can beat the shit out of them. every single one of them. maybe even kill them. maybe i should just use Miss A and ask her for a favour for myself for once. maybe then–

"hey hey hey, leave my boy lazarus alone whats going on here?" a voice interjects. i sigh and turn around, that horrid nickname coming from the one and only...

"yeosang-uh...we were just..."

yeosang wraps his arm around my shoulders and i look down at his short frame awkwardly. he smiles up at me, then at the soccer douchebags. what the hell is happening.

"you werent bullying my boy choi san were you, mingyu?" yeosang asks, his smile suddenly falling. "cause you know i dont like that shit."

"relax man," the guy named mingyu says, visibly tense now. "we were just playing around."

"really? not cool man. not cool," yeosang sighs. "if this is what you call playing around, dont bring this shit anywhere near my party, alright? you get me?"

mingyu nods awkwardly and beckons his flock of soccer assholes to follow him as they leave. but before he goes, yeosang whistles aggressively.

"hold on, boys! put my boy lazarus's belongings in the state you found them."

i cant believe my eyes. i dont know what sick social contract exists in this school, but yeosang actually manages to get the soccer players to reverse back and pick up my phone and scattered books. they hand everything back to me in a neat fashion, awkwardly nodding to me as they leave.

"theres no way you're that popular." i scoff to myself, pulling away from being yeosang's arm rest. i face him awkwardly. "thanks, i guess. but what do you want?"

he blinks at me, feigning offense. "what do you mean, lazarus? i did that out of the goodness of my heart!"

i force a knowing smile. "you want more rosies?"

"well now that you mention it im kind of unhappy with your customer service," yeosang suddenly glares. "you didnt check your messages again. i asked you to bring me two more bags."

why the fuck is he going through these bags so quickly? "yeosang how many times do i have to tell you–"

"i dont need you to tell me anything, lazarus. im the fucking customer and i lay your bills. you should be grateful i even put up with this, sunwoo never did this to me. he would bring me what i want whenever i wanted."

i cant believe what im hearing. this idiot doesnt care for anyone but himself, which i know shouldnt be surprising. hes addicted to drugs and hes a rich boy, but still.

"i gave you four bags not too long ago, just yesterday actually," i remind him bitterly.

he leans forward and shoves his pointed finger into my chest. "and im telling you. i want. more whenever i ask. when you come to my party tomorrow, i expect you to be my righthand fucking man. dont show up unless you have what i want, and if you behave you can even bring marino as your plus one."

he laughs at the end, that usual, arrogant laugh that comes with knowing you couldnt face the consequences of your actions even if they were right infront of you.

yeosang's mention of yaera reminded me of how he treated her and i cant help but remember what he did at yunhos club so many months ago. this guy is a piece of shit. im not any better, but ive definetely been too friendly.

he doesnt respect my boundaries no matter how much ive asserted. customer is always right? i think the fuck not.

"whoa, lazarus!" yeosang dramatically says. "why are you looking at me like you wanna kill my ass? did i say something wrong?"

"you remember yunho?" i question. my fist is tight beside me. one more provoking word out him and hes done for.

"yeah? friend of my old pal sunwoo? the club owner right? what about him?"

"hes missing," i say. yeosang frowns in confusion. as if he doesnt know what that has to do with him.

"damn i didnt realize i was supposed to care?" yeosang rubs the back of his head. "you guys are going through some shit, huh? havent heard from sunwoo in four months either. why you telling me this? i didnt know the guy."

"be careful, yeosang. behave at this party of yours."

i sling my backpack over my shoulders and walk away, leaving yeosang with his mouth hanging agape. "what the fuck, lazarus? did you just threaten me?" he yells after me. "i just helped you, asshole!"

when i get to the stairwell, yaera is already there waiting for me. god im tired. i just want to sit in silence and eat. i slump down on the floor and lean my head against the wall.

"what the hell happened to you?" she asks, looking me up and down.

imagine admitting to getting bullied. at eighteen years old. im almost nineteen for fucks sake. i dont answer her because i dont feel like it.

yaera sighs. "well then. i get it. this day isnt a complete fuck up tho. i got a buyer."

i hear money calling. she suddenly has my full attention. "for the rosies?"

"nope, not yet," she lifts her phone for me to see. my glasses arent on so i dont know what im looking at. "for the watch. i got paid a shipping fee and everything, some dude in india really wants it bad."

i nod, kind of impressed. "wow, that was quick."

"the transaction isnt complete yet, but the money will be in by this weekend. we can split the cash then."

"good job."

shes kind of efficient. i guess she has really done most of the things she told me she would do. now all i need are the results. im gonna start drawing up how much money has been coming in. i still have the black dragons cash wooyoung and i split.

i should give yaera her share.

"hey, before we go to yeosang's party tomorrow, come by my apartment," i tell her. "i have something for you."

she smirks. "are we finally getting to third base? we havent even been to first."

"what?" i cough on my own spit. my cheeks are flaming. "uh no. ugh. just...wait till you get there. but it isnt that."

"damn, you really love turning into a stuttering mess when im around, huh?" she teases. "must be my natural charm."

"charm?" i scoff, not really having a comeback for that. i go embarrassingly silent after as she waits for me to elaborate. fuck it.

"your phones ringing." she innocently points out after. i look down and see wooyoung calling me.

"woo?" i answer, sighing. wooyoung is a man who never listens.

"yeah yeah yeah!" he instantly screams into my ear, making me wince and pull the phone away. i put him on speaker and dial the volume very low so i can hear him on a normal level.

"i know you said not to call you at school but i dont really wanna hear from you either, alright?" he says, making me chuckle against my will. "Miss A got a job for us tonight. we gotta go to the night market in the old town. get some protection money outta them."

"can i come too?" yaera asks excitedly. i glare at her and shake my head before answering wooyoung.

"is that it?"

"yeah, then we take everything to changbin, he'll give everything to Miss A."

"can you do that for the both of us?" i ask him. "you got nothing going on right?"

"no way man! i already faced him by myself after what happened with yunho. he wanted proof we changed the license plate!" wooyoung says, sounding stressed. "and he's been keeping up with the news since the club. apparently the cops caught us on camera from a distant alley, but they cant recognize us."

my blood runs cold at wooyoungs words. that night was the riskiest thing to ever happen to us. everything was reckless from the beginning. the thought of my future disappearing freezes me up. it flashes before my eyes before i get a grip.

"okay, i'll go with you," i say with difficulty. "but you'll still pick me up from school right? you know what you promised."

my eyes drift up toward yaera. shes watching me curiously, not being very subtle about listening in.

"yeah yeah, you little baby. we'll go beat the shit out of that stalker for your little blackmailer."

i can hear the eyeroll in wooyoung's tone. i quickly hang up but yaera chuckles to herself, having already heard it all.

"i cant leave school with you guys, just fyi," she says. "you know my parents are picking me up. i can just go to jongho's house on my own, he only lives fifteen minutes away from me."

i nod, thinking to myself. the two of them really hate each other. i know why, but everytime they interact i feel like it goes deeper than what yaera's told me.

before i can ask, the bell rings and i havent even touched my food yet. yaera frowns and pouts.

"do you wanna skip class? we have evans next period."

"i dont skip class and i wont start now," i tell her. she rolls her eyes. "and neither will you. im not tutoring you just so you can fail again. you're coming with me to class."

she seems to take my words as a challenge. "and if i say no?"

i shrug. "then i dont tutor you. i dont like wasting my time."

yaera stares at me, a smile forming on her face. it looks devious but sincere at the same time. and like always im left speechless and awkward. at this point im convinced she does it on purpose.

"okay. lets go to class then."

***

yaera

“where are you going?” 

my father’s voice startles me as im halfway out the foyer, backpack on my shoulder and ready to leave. i didnt even hear him come in, ive been alone all afternoon, the empty house something im already used to. hes watching me over the rim of his glasses, a magazine in hand. 

“oh hi. when did you get home?” i ask. 

“half n hour ago. now answer me, where are you going?”

“to jongho’s house.”

“alright, I’ll take you.” he begins to stand up and i groan in annoyance. 

“thats not necessary. he lives 15 minutes away.”

my father stares at me blandly. “i know you’ve been sneaking out at night. i dont know why but im making sure you’re going exactly where you say you are. your mother is meeting with Santo as we speak, they are working hard on the gala. whatever you are busy with, im going to tell you once to stop.your mother does not need the extra stress, alright?”

i bite my lip and stop myself from laughing. i cant believe this. im kind of embarrassed for not being slick, but at least it was my father and not my mother. hes far easier to lie to. 

i dont say anything as we get into his car, texting san that ive run into a little inconvenience. hopefully they wait for me before shit goes down, i dont want to miss a single thing. 

the car ride with my father is empty and silent. im in the passenger and he avoids eye contact with me like a man facing medusa, something im used to after everything thats happened to our family. we have never been close, but its never been this bad. i guess its hard to face the only child you have left after neglecting them for years, knowing that most if not all of their hardships have directly been caused by you.

but no. i cant just blame them. my therapist always said that i cant control what others do, but i can control how i react to their actions. me wanting to get far as fuck away from them feels like having all the control in the world.

“how long are you planning to stay at jongho’s?” he breaks his silence. 

“a long while. you dont have to wait for me.”

he nods curtly. “i didnt realize the two of you still spoke to one another.”

as if he knows anything thats going on with me lately. i dont answer him.

“have you been sneaking off to see him?”

the question makes me frown, disgust pooling in my stomach. i would have probably gotten butterflies just thinking of that, but right now all i feel is sick. then i think this is the perfect opportunity to guilt trip him. 

“no, ive just been going out for walks by myself. i cant sleep nowadays,” i mutter. “ive been thinking of her a lot. i know you probably think im out drinking or getting into trouble, but all i really do is sit on a park bench and think of what it would be like if she was here right now.”

silence. empty, cold silence. my father has stopped infront of jongho’s house, his eyes ghostily staring at his steering wheel.

i dont feel bad for hurting him. i had to get used to him being physically there and yet being far away. i had to get used to saying five sentences a week to him. i had to get used to him never hearing me out when he was at my mothers side, i had to watch him slip away while he was right infront of me. ill hurt him however i can. just so he can feel something, or anything when he looks at me. anything but empty.

“dont sneak out anymore.” he tells me after five minutes of just sitting there. eyes still on the wheel. “or let me take you where you want to go. if something happens to you too, your mother will be very upset.”

“okay. bye papa.”

“bye.”

i get up and out of the car. as my father pulls away and disappears down the street, a black van comes around the other corner, stopping infront of me. its the same one san got into when he chased down yunho. when the window rolls down, i come face to face with wooyoung and his massive black sunglasses.

“youre lucky you have someone like san around, sweetheart! you did nothing to earn bodyguard services.” he yells, and i hear san punch him in the shoulder. “ouch! what did you do that for?!”

“i told you he tried to get me in trouble!” san grits through his teeth.

“yeah, because you were involved with her! this guy hasn’t once looked your way before!” 

“you dont have to be here if you dont want to,” i say with an insincere smile. wooyoung gets out and rolls his eyes at me.

“yeah right, as if im letting you drag san into your shit alone. wheres this bozo stalker you speak of?”

i turn around and see jongho’s room light on. we still have his camera, so he’ll have to come out. i start to ring his phone, and he answers on the first ring.

“we’re out front.” i say and immediately hang up so he feels the urgency. 

he doesnt come out. his iron wrought fence buzzes open for us to go inside, and he's waiting on his veranda.

"this is the guy?" wooyoung scoffs. "whys he a creep? hes attractive as fuck."

san and i both give him side-eyes as we approach jongho. his eyes are low as he holds the door open for us.

"did you bring my camera?" he asks, his shoulders stiff and tense.

"uh uh uh, wheres the rest of the pictures?" i ask. jongho glares at me.

"i...have it. i have it, just do you have the camera?"

i nod silently, walking into his house. wooyoung and san follow behind me, with both of them staring wide-eyed at jongho's massive house. its all dark inside, with only certain rooms lit up. just like i know him,living like a fucking vampire most of the time. maybe thats why hes so weird.

"the pictures...they're up in my room." he says.

"why are you slurring?" i ask, leading the brigade. "you still feeling the effects of getting the sense knocked into you?"

wooyoung loudly sniffs him. "nah, this guys been drinking. he smells like fucking hand sanitizer."

i push open his room door and find the place empty. its been so long since ive stepped foot in here. things happened against the lack of my better judgment. even when i knew it wouldnt end well, i always ended up coming back.

im lost in it for a moment, remembering why im here. "where are the pictures?" i turn around as something loudly creaks.

im staring into the mouth of the gun, with jongho pointing it right at me. i forget to breathe on the spot.

"give me back my camera," he seethes "and then get the fuck out of my house."

"you wouldnt kill me, youre too much of a pussy," i grit out at him, albeit terrified. "you stole your dad's gun just to get back your creepy stalker pictures? thats rich."

"yaera, shut up. jongho,put the gun down," san says, him and wooyoung frozen on the sides of him. "what do you think youre doing?"

"you think im kidding?" he snaps. "i want my shit back! you had no right to fucking take it!"

san starts to take off his backpack. "dont fucking give it back!" i scream. "hes bluffing, cant you see that?"

"shut up, yaera," san mutters, infuriating me. he takes the camera out to my disbelief, actually moving to give it to jongho.

just as san puts it in jongho's hand, wooyoung comes from the side and rips the gun from his other hand. he shoves jongho into his wall, the camera falling to the ground. i lunge to pick it up and immediately run to the other side of his room.

jongho lets out a frustrated scream. "you fucking assholes!"

wooyoung laughs mockingly as he looks at the barrel of the gun. "would you look at that? its empty."

"pointing a gun with no bullets, arent you embarrassed?" i sneer. "i knew you were just bluffing."

"now where are the actual pictures?" san asks coldly. jongho looks up at him hatefully, refusing to answer. a second later, wooyoung runs full speed at jongho, kicking him hard in the chest. jongho falls to his knees, and san rips his hair back, making him wheeze out in pain.

"tell me. i wont ask again," san demands. wooyoung is excitedly waiting on the side for no answer again, just so he can slam the end of the gun into jongho's temple. he hits his floor head first, coughing hazardously.

at first it feels good to watch him suffer. to see him in genuine pain. then i realize what we're doing. its getting us nowhere. we're just beating him up, but he still has everything we need.

wooyoung is pounding his fist onto jongho and only when i get near does he stop. "no more games," i say and bend infront him, his bruised face leaking with blood. "give it up, jongho. or would you rather i take this camera to the police?"

he raises his hand and points to his bed before weakly choking out, "under it."

san goes to get it, struggling to lift the heavy bed along with wooyoung. underneath it they find a file, it looks like an ordinary photography file as san flips through it. but then the photos get more sinister. dark figures appear on different occassions. only silhouettes of what once was.

"what is this?" wooyoung groans. "you cant see shit in these."

"leave it to ningning," san says, taking the file and shoving it into his backpack. he tosses the camera onto jongho's bed, and jongho hopelessly stares at it as warm tears spill down his eyes.

i dont know why im queasy. he did something wrong. he is in the wrong and yet i feel so empty looking at him.

"we took your memory card, so dont even try to get those pictures back," i tell him. he doesnt react. im about to get up when he grabs my hand and pulls me down.

"you took the only part of her i had left," he says weakly, but his eyes are angry. "fuck you, yaera."

i roll my hand out of his, disgusted and annoyed all at once. san comes and takes my arm and we leave jongho to seethe on the floor with his injuries.

my stomach is in knots all the way out, especially when its time for us to part ways. i know san has places to be and things to do tonight, but i cant help but feel insanely grateful for what hes done.

he didnt need to beat the shit out of jongho. he didnt need to come here. but he did.

"i'll get these checked out by that contact i told you about," san tells me while we stand on the pavement. "she'll be able to get you everything, time, date, where these pictures were taken."

"i want to come with you," i say. wooyoung gives san a silent but obvious look, clearly thinking its a bad idea.

san is hesitant. "are you sure?"

i nod. "i wanna see first hand. i'll behave i promise."

"okay. fine, we can go together then."

wooyoung loudly sighs. "okay this was fun, but we have somewhere to be, remember san?"

"oh...yeah." san awkwardly looks down at me and gives me another nod. "goodnight, yaera."

"thank you...for tonight," i say, kind of embarrassed. i dont know why. it always ends this way. hes so many different people in one day. but it always ends with this. i feel like we should hug but hes so extra distant with wooyoung around.

i hesitate to call my father, wanting to wait till they leave because i know he'll be here in a flash. san and wooyoung get into their van and speed off into the night, leaving me alone.

***

SAN

"i feel like you already know this is a bad idea, but youre still doing it, so let me pick your brain, choi san. what the fuck is going on inside your head?"

i sigh, not in the mood for this. i keep looking at jongho's photography file and his ominous photos from following yaera's twin and her lover. i wanted to ask him where he followed them to but i doubt jongho's saying a word of anything anymore now that he has nothing left to give us.

"earth to san???" woo starts clicking his fingers beside my ear. i glare at him and shove at his shoulder.

"eyes on the road asshole," i remind him.

"answer my questions," he demands. "what exactly do you plan to do with those weird ass pictures?"

"i'll take it to mao's granddaughter then–"

"AND WHAT do you hope to achieve?" he interrupts me. i stare at him flatly.

"what do you mean?" i ask in annoyance.

"okay so ningning tells you who the guy in the photos are and where these pictures were taken, best case scenario. i wanna know what the fuck it has to do with you san."

"her sister was MURDERED, woo," i say exasperatedly. "and no one has been arrested. no ones probably seen these photos before. this could be her sisters murderer right in these blurry shots."

"yeah but what does it have to do with you?" woo insists, giving me a deadpan look. "i thought you two were just using each other, so why are you doing all this for someone who blackmailed you into shit?"

i dont answer. why should i answer? now im just annoyed.

"fine, be angry at me," woo says with a sigh and cranks up the radio. "but just remember, youre getting way too involved. you wouldnt walk the dog of your evil business partner, so you shouldnt care about shit that doesnt benefit you."

"jongho almost got me expelled!" i remind him. woo doesnt react to my raised voice to my disappointment. "and why did you help me if you were just going to be annoying about it? i could have beat him myself."

"i HELPED because of YOU, idiot. and sure jongho almost got you expelled but thats not why you were so worked up, huh?"

i stay quiet out of irritation. i know woo's just gonna accuse me of shit and he already thinks hes right so theres no point in arguing.

"you're not doing yourself any favours, sannie, just remember that. its better to keep your distance and make sure you get your cut."

we arrive at the night market at the old town, the smell of fish and the cold ocean wind hits us hard as soon as we step out of the van. our masks are on, our beanies too. to these people, we're just walking pairs of eyes demanding money in the name of Miss A.

we go to different street vendors, collecting her 'tax'. wooyoung does most of the talking because he likes the theatrics.

"collecting for Miss A," he dramatically deepens his voice, leaning half over the peoples stalls when he does.

when the people respond its not the end of the month yet, wooyoung reminds them of an age old gang war that no one cares about anymore, that killed ten street vendors and asks if they want to end up the same. if not, they have to pay the protection money to stay protected.

"you're a sick fuck, you know that?" i tell him as we walk through the lit pathways. the place is lively, with people shouting sales and prices right in your place as you walk.

"what? im just saying what changbin told us to say!" he defends. i roll my eyes.

"you enjoy that a little too much. plus youre only supposed to say the collector line, not intimidate them!"

"says the guy who just came from.intimidating someone for a girl!" wooyoung fires back and i put out my leg to trip him. he jumps over it and flips me off as we exit the market.

we take a route through the dark alleys, as it keeps us out of any police view. they normally roam the market because of light weight brawls in the street, but recently they've been catching on to gang presence in the middle of it all.

i cant wait to graduate. i wont be here for when this all goes to shit.

as woo and i walk through the alleys on the way back to the car, we hear a faint rumble in the air. i stop in my tracks and turn around as woo continues strolling, acting like he isnt carrying extortion money on his person.

a black cars headlights shine on us, so bright i cant see the people in the front. its a sleek black mustang. where the fuck did it come from????

woo stops once he realizes im not next to him anymore. "hey what the?"

the cars lights stay on us, making my stomach clench. suddenly it jerks forward, rolling right toward us.

"oh fuck!" woo screams and we both break into a run. the car is fucking speeding on us down the alley and if we arent fast enough we'll be smashed into the wall or dragged under it. theres a sharp bend and we take it, but the car makes the sharp turn as well, still on our heels.

"ITS STILL CHASING US!" woo screams. its literally a few feet away from crushing us. i spot a fence at the end of the alley and i clench my fist as i run for it, bracing myself.

"woo, JUMP!" i tell him just as i vault myself at the fence, holding on for dear life. woo jumps just as the car crashes into the fence, not making it but landing on the hood of the mustang. he screams and collects himself and quickly joins me in climbing it, the two of us making it to the other side in a few panicked seconds.

we turn around and look at the mustang in disbelief. it reverses back without anyone getting out, disappearing right back around the bend.

woo and i look at each other, hes pale. i know im pale. my heart is racing. we just ran for our lives. whoever was behind that wheel just tried to kill us.

"did we just...almost die?"

A/N: IM SO SORRY IVE BEEN GONE SO LONG AND THIS CHAPTER IS REALLY ALL OVER THE PLACE 😭 I'LL DO BETTER NEXT TIME

also you guys should let me know if you want me to tag you for when new chapters come out. i also started uploading on wattpad. @amphibianblood if you prefer to read on there. warning tho, the story is behind on there 😭.

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