#so that stuff doesnt bother me anymore but theres still this thing of like

[liquidstar]

a friend who'd wait :)

[axolotlali]

idk how to do dr intros so im just gonna yap about my the bureau of magical things dr instead

okay so like u know how in the plot like kyra becomes magical or whatever and then orla is there and then orla does evil stuff or whatever??? ok so like. i think i scripted that i was already in maxwells school like before kyra showed up but i already knew kyra before that bc i scripted that me, kyra, and peter are childhood best friends (wheres mathilda?? gone bc shes annoying) and then kyra shows up at maxwells school and im like omg what are u doing here. but anyway yeah

also i like. wanted to script orla as my so but i was like...im gonna have to age us up then. so i did. so we're like probably older than their canon age in the show (i have no clue what their canon ages are but im gonna assume they were younger than what i scripted). because i was like either i script orla as my so or i script her out bc at the time i was scripting this i had a hyperfixation on orla (i still love her but im not hyperfixated anymore). but like i havent scripted we're together YET bc im shifting to like about a week before kyra comes.

i dont even know how the orla thing would work bc like..what do i do when she becomes "evil" and everyone hates her. and like when shes trying to take over do i help her or do i help my friends. bc i mean like she had a point right like she didnt even do anything that bad so like it wouldnt be that bad if i helped her but also i dont wanna go against my friends but also i dont wanna script out that part of the plot either. so like. i'll figure it out when i get there i guess???

also i was so tempted to script darra out. i hate him SO much hes so annoying. and the entire fandom (which isnt many ppl but still) loves him and it pisses me off so bad bc hes so annoying and the entire fandom loves him but hates orla like oh my god. but i didnt script him out bc what if hes not as bad in real life. idk. like i'll give him a chance but if he's still annoying i'll script him out. i was also gonna script imogen out but not bc i hate her (i love her shes so me) but bc orla said to imogen that she could go see her sometime and i was like. imogen move its my turn. but i kept imogen in anyway.

omg in this dr i added a dad and i named him fred. fucking FRED. im crying. it was the only name i could think of bc of like freddos as in the chocolate frog thing. at least i didnt name him gilbert. hes not my bio dad tho bc i scripted idk my bio parents bc i couldnt be bothered to script two whole parents and i wanted to script just one but i was like well what happened to the other parent then and so then i was just like okay ill just script i was adopted. also freds a human but he knows about magic bc girl i cannot be bothered to hide it from him. i also scripted that he likes katseye.

omg wait u know how orla's like a news reporter too?? i get to stare at her on my telly in my dr like omg its orla and shes talking about flying chairs again. girl omg. i will be THE number one news watcher.

anyway wait omg im gonna tell u all like what kind of relationships i scripted with everyone. okay so im childhood bsfs with kyra & peter. i scripted ruksy as one of my best best friends bc i love her. i scripted lily & imogen as my bsfs too. im friends-ish with darra. maxwell doesnt hate me. fred likes katseye. i think thats everyone?? idk

also omg yeah for the school thing. okay so i kinda go to both schools like how kyra does. so like the normal school and then maxwells school. but like i scripted i dont go to the normal one as much as maxwells because in my cr im homeschooled now bc i was too autistic to go so like i dont imagine id be able to cope with two whole schools in my dr. i know i could just script that i can but like i dont want to. but i think maxwells school is like okay bc theres not many ppl and im friends with them all and maxwell is nice and ladder is there (i love ladder).

omg wait. so you know when orla framed imogen for stealing the orb?? idk what i'll do when that happens bc like imogen is one of my best friends and so obviously id do anything for her but also orla is like the best orla ever shes just so orla and perfect?? obviously I'll help imogen but also idk. omg wait what if i just script that i help orla steal the orb so she doesnt have to frame imogen?? idk omg my brain hurts.

also omg so u know how theyre all like training for the dmi or whatever it is theyre doing?? at first i was like oh no bc i dont really wanna work for the dmi bc it looks kinda boring but like then i remembered wait theres like different parts of it bc of when like orla said its not just about the magical stuff thingies and saving the world so like what if i just script theres a part of the dmi thats like more fun and something that id actually wanna do. idk but maybe

idk if i wanna script a sibling into this dr. i feel like i might do it but idk. if i do i'll probably just steal a sibling from another one of my drs and put them in here too. idk

also i havent scripted a name for myself yet. i need name ideas help. sobs. ive had this dr since like last year and i still havent scripted a name (ok i had it since like last year but i only really started scripting more actual stuff this year bc im a super slow scripter)

[hal9000fanboy]

hi hi ive been seeing the stuff going on The Dreaded Website and i just wanted to say. man. people cant find anything wrong with you drawing dirkroxy so they have to pull out things when you were a mentally ill teenager? 😭 im sorry thats just genuinely vile. most of the time its 13yos without reading comprehension too but yeah you can pull through this good luck

honestly it doesnt bother me as much anymore. i think the main thing that does make me disgusted is all the lying people are doing about me . people legit will make up lies about me and everyone is like. believing it. and theres nothing i can do about it. thats the main reason i deactivated my twt. i have owned up to and apologized for everything that i actually did and here comes a 14 yr old saying i draw cp or im a necrophile and its like okay bud…idk.

not going back to twt anytime soon, if im honest. maybe not ever. its just become a cesspool of things and i dont want to be a part of it anymore. thanks to everyone who still fw me tho

[grif-hawaiian-rolls]

Anyways the “essay” about the energy sword to character development pipeline below the cut

Ok so like yea tucker-crunchbite-junior is, obviously, the first instance of the sword-quest-companion theme/trio that im like, rattling in my head rn

Tucker finds the sword, crunchbite shows up and theres the “quest” that challenges tucker both in the false intent (you need to be the hero) and the true intent (SA leading to Junior which is not handled well but it IS important) which is a push against tucker’s character thus far in that he’s the comic relief, make everything a sex joke archetype— he doesnt take it seriously, he doesnt see himself as important beyond getting just enough recognition to be “hot” and now he’s made to be the so called “hero” and the true plot puts him in the one position that he probably never thought could be him. Bc he wants to get laid so… yeah. Pushes his character if you give it like three seconds of critical thinking and not just the standard “haha alien baby bullshit” (that said, i do enjoy fics that explore crunchbite more and play with the potential of the “joke” shitty character into someone less sinister, but im doin my best to stick to canon rn)

And JUNIOR, oh man, because theres the thing that really solidifies this for me like

The dude who doesnt care doesnt bother is all jokes and ‘man whatever’ energy is a dad, and it starts with him trying to avoid it but he really fucking quickly steps the FUCK up for Junior and its the start of his development that people are like “oh he learns to be a leader on chorus” which i mean kinda yeah but he never struck me as a Leader even on Chorus even tho he does decidedly lead, its not the same as when kimball leads or when wash leads or carolina

He’s leads as a dad bc he is a dad

Not always a good one, but he’s trying and yea sometimes that means being the asshole, sometimes that means screwing up but it also means you fucking care and you take responsibility and you put yourself in danger first (the rescue mission, leaving the lieutenants behind)

And that doesnt start on chorus! Its the most evident there sure but

it starts with junior

It starts with him going after tex to protect his son, it starts with him trying to be a diplomat so they stay together, in sending junior away so he is safe while tucker buys time protecting the temple, it STARTS with him looking at church and going “leave my kid out of this” and yeah the way rvb was written and approached does Not take that seriously bc it wouldnt and if it did it would be a very different show but the implications are there and its acknowledged with tucker’s photograph of junior with his 5th grade basketball team (“i know right? Who carries actual pictures anymore” -tucker) which i could go on about THAT too but suffice to say its very clear that tucker cares so gd much about his kid and yeah his character development isnt super linear but you can basically pinpoint when it starts with the sword and junior

The second run of this trio of things is actually grif which is admittedly, a stretch, a big ol reaching for straws (okay, TECHNICALLY grif is the third run, but i’ll address that in a minute) largely a stretch bc grif… does the pattern backwards

This IS S16 stuff so if ur a shisno paradox hater i respect that, i however am gnawing on it with everything i have and will be going feral so this is your warning thank u for reading the tucker side of it mwah appreciate ya

Anyways

Grif does his plot backwards during timetravel shenanigans

He gets the alien companion/friend who contrasts his character first in Huggins

Grif is a loyal friend, but he is lazy, even after s15’s breakdown and apparent change of tune, he’s still looking to take the path of least resistance, avoiding the call, trying to keep things from moving

Enter Huggins: zippy, full of energy, excitable and just so different in that she is not only so proactive she puts herself in danger (which helps everyone in the long run/plot but its the principle) but shes so fucking lonely

As far as she knows, her family is dead, except for muggins who is so dettached from her, he might as well be a coworker and not her brother

Compared to grif, who has a family even when he tries to push them away (the reds, the blues, KAIKAINA) but hates taking action

Huggins is the start for grif’s arc of “it sucks but someones gotta do it” which in their case is best shown as the trudge across the bottom of the english channel which is so fucking funny to me but it really pushes both of them and puts them firmly in the friends category

Huggins cant zip ahead without grif, grif cant stop moving because huggins wont let him, so they find their little balance of gas vs brakes and together they cruise along p well

The actual push of the “quest” is grif having to be the one who steps up (kinda like tucker but its to the left) he’s the one who starts getting everyone together again across the timeline, even if he is very,,,

Well he’s very Grif about it, but it is still fundamentally, the change in character

Tucker isn’t a always good dad, Grif isn’t always a good instigator of action

But theyre trying and theyre working on it and grif’s arc suffers a Little from being so late in the show and thus not having much of a parallel to pull on but you could argue he gets the parallel from s15 anyways with the refusal of the call (from fake church/loco) and rescue mission but i hesitate to call that a parallel bc its literally back to back but an argument could be made for it which i love

Enter part two: the alien quest giver

“Wait wasnt that huggins”

NOPE huggins was alien companion! The Bestie in grif’s case,

The alien fetch quest comes from atlas, in that stupid wishing sequence but cmon it wouldnt be rvb if the character development wasnt sandwiched inbetween obnoxious gags and stupidity

The quest is less important here admittedly bc again, with grif doing this in reverse its not the challenge to his principle character that it was for tucker, his connection to huggins was the challenge, and this becomes the final push into the development, the “you have a role, now play it” that gives grif the final shove into Doing Things literal!! And his prize? For this character development arc? An alien sword

And thus the inverse version reaches an end, sort of (im pissed that technically he loses his sword, im also ignoring that he loses it in canon bc he fucking earned it okay this is a bit of canon i will ignore and loophole my way around it)

And now we track back to Chorus and to the second iteration of the sword-quest-companion plot

Locus

Now okay i will admit this is conjecture and pepe-silvia-on-corkboard-with-red-string fuckery at this point but hear me out okay!

He gets the sword with Felix’s death. We know this. What we dont know is how the fucking hell he gets off Chorus! We just see him show up later with A’rynasea. The vaguely alien (maybe sentient?? AI? Its implied with the way he addresses her but we literally have her for like two episodes) ship that seems to be the driving force (literal) (bc shes his ship) behind his chosen redemption arc where he pushes himself to help others at no apparent benefit to himself, but because it is, and i quote “the right thing to do”

Arguably, Santa could be Locus’ quest giver, seeing as how he is the one who triggers the whole shift in view for Locus in the first place and that is, technically, what crunchbite does and what atlas finalizes for grif! But the problem is we simply dont have enough of A’rynasea to draw the parallel between her and Locus as personalities, as companions for it to work for me??? But that might just be me overthinking? But it does make Locus’ version is a bit messier depending on who you consider his quest-giver but as far as I’m concerned, he’s still on his quest snd its just up to interpretation if A’rynasea is his companion?? or if theres a secret third alien for Locus that we never wouldve seen even if they planned for that bc its red vs blue and im just delusional about locus and his role in plot and this is just me firing concepts blindly into the sky at this point like - yeah i could still theorize what kind of companion characterization i think locus would work well with bc its more about the wielder than the companion in this sense (sorry junior and huggins i love yall i promise) but thats a completely separate rant at this point and not nearly coherent enough at this exact moment to add it PLUS its ridiculously self indulgent and only marginally canon compliant/adjacent but i will never not be amused by this very specific plot beat happening enough to draw these parallels, as tenuous and vague as the parallels are

[kittycatred]

It's pretty clear that Red kinda needed this crashout. A lot has happened, and then been pushed aside to be 'dealt with later', only to end up pretty much ignoring what's happened in favor of moving forward.

There's only so long it could have been before something like this happened. Maybe taking the time to process things will be good for xem

YESSS yes exactly you get what i was trying to do PERFECTLY !!!! :3

reds never had the time to just sit down and PAUSE because theres always been something going on, OR its been red trying to CAUSE something to keep xemself distracted

reds been trying to just keep going and going, but it gets to a point where all that buildup WOULD HAVE gotten to red eventually

the crashout wasnt just red snapping at the anons, but just letting ALL of that buildup out

and in comparison to the all nighter crashout, after that ? red tried to ignore it, and then green came over so red HAD a distraction from everything, but when green went to check on blue, even for a few minutes ?? red didnt HAVE that distraction anymore, so he ran off (and that caused a WHOLE bunch of stuff !!)

the ghost crashout was a little milder than these two as to why im not adding it into the comparisons mix (although it DOES still fall into the same "oh let me find a distraction right after this" criteria, because im pretty sure that was when red was doing the silly ghost pranking if i remember right ?) and like i said before when red was all emotional when loopy that was moreso just red blabbing without much thought or actual processing

but this time ??

red cant physically do much to run off again, reds too mentally worn to do pranks or really any other thing to distract himself (due to the anons still talking to red, which was pissing red off more and more, and the nightmare, and yeahh you get the point)

so red REALLY doesnt have any means of distraction now, and the closest thing he has is her running into the minecraft house, which is STILL on the pc, but thats the only attempt of "escapism" red has right now

but reds not able to sleep it off like the all nighter crashout after having the nightmare, red cant talk to the anons like xe didnt just snap, because you anons KNOW whats been going on in red now, and red doesnt think she can go to his friends right now because ze "doesnt want to bother them"

so now ? reds FORCED to slow down, sit down, and atleast process everything even a LITTLE BIT

and suree one sitdown of processing things isnt going to automatically make red's mindset change overnight, but itll atleast give red the time to AKNOWLEDGE it and start taking steps to not push it down anymore :3c

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas <3

cw/tws for medical stuff, complex family relationships, discussion of death

so, for context, im a regulus black kinnie (itll make sense, give me a sec aha). ive got a difficult relationship with most of my family, but most especially my mother and older sister. my sister is a lot like our family's sirius (except if he still had walburga's narcissism, cruelty and manipulation), and she really doesnt get along with either of our parents. my mother is... a difficult woman, in that she likes to victimise herself in every situation, shes homophobic/transphobic/all the phobics, shes also very narcissistic, and likes to make uncomfortable comments without bothering to be nice about it. all in all, i try not to be around her much. im also supposed to be moving out soon, and planned to minimise contact as much as possible once i do.

to the point: my mother was diagnosed with cancer yesterday. my father (hes kind of a neutral party in the family dynamics, btw) was the one talking to me about it, since she's in hospital at the moment. he said they caught it early enough where a bit of chemo over the next few months should get rid of it and she'll be okay, but 'cancer' is a scary as fuck word. he also then told me that this isnt her first time with it — she had a different type of cancer around 20 years ago.

honestly, i feel like my brain is battling itself about how i should feel. on the one hand, ive been looking forward to not having to be around her now for years, and i hold very little love for her at this point. why should i care? she'll be fine at the end of it anyway. but shes still my mum, yknow? and i feel awful having these thoughts about how badly ive always thought of her and how much ive wanted for so long to get away from her and how it almost feels like this is some sort of sick fucking joke from the universe about how i should be careful what i wish for or something.

this whole situation keeps making me think about regulus in best friends brother(? i think thats the right fic) or p much any modern au where walburga dies so tbh ill probably end up writing a fic about it to cope, but still i just... i guess i needed to tell someone? my father asked me to keep it to myself for now so that it wasnt spread around where we live (its a small area; everyone knows everyone).

and the bit with my sister - as i said, she doesnt get along with our parents. i dont talk to her much anymore either because she seemed to inherit a lot of our mothers worst traits, but im afraid that if we do talk about this then she'll have some awful thing to say about it. she makes some really dark 'jokes' sometimes about suicide and death and such, and im nervous that she'll say something about how she hopes it kills her (again, my sister fucking sick, and has zero empathy), because shes made similar jokes about other stuff in the past. i also dont think she'd understand that im still afraid for our mother even after everything shes done, and i hate the way my sister turns on me and rips the piss out of me when she doesnt like what i do.

it all kind of circles back to how im supposed to feel, i guess. part of me wants to not care and brush it off, whatever, but theres still part of me dying for my mothers love and approval and is terrified of losing her, even with the low possibility.

sorry this got so long, and for how heavy it is. i hope youre doing well cas, and thank you for all you do for us <3

Hi hon!

My god, you ARE a reg kinnie.

Here's the thing- there is not a RIGHT way to feel about those things. You have a complex relationship with your mom, so of course you'll have complex feelings about the situation. You don't need to feel guilty for feeling any certain way, because there's no right or wring way to process this. You're allowed to feel scared and neutral and confused and ambivalent. That's okay!

Your feelings aren't a betrayal to anyone, and you have a right to them. You also have a right to any action you choose to take. Remember to do what feels right for YOU, because YOU are important.

I'm here if you ever need to talk <3

Naming you reg kin anon.

[fictionfixations]

can i just say

you know those transmigrater(?) grator?? i odnt. i dont know the terms for this man

but you know the the the. transmigrates into usually the villain kinda stories?

you know whats my favorite for that kinda stuff? where we were the actual character all along (i think its.. regressor...? ??? either going back into your past as yourself or living another life and then backtracking to a past life of yours that being of generally the villain? idont know if thats what it actually means)

ive also never seen it but i just. think its really cool. and i like reading fics where theyre the same person

in the same way i like it when they have motives. let me be clear, ive NEVER seen the source material so i have no idea whats canon and whats not

but you know what id like to think is canon? shen jiu being a former slave and being super bitter at the world for being very cruel and thats why hes an asshole in like. book canon.(? canon. of. the book. ..in the story.? i think the the the book in that one is like Proud Immortal Demon Way...? IDK man)

or like like. og cale henituse acting like trash because he cares about his siblings and doesnt want negative attention on them also dont know if thats canon. but yknow what? thats my canon

now about time travel in general since it kind of relates, romance is always iffy because its like you know everything that'll make this person fall in love with you. or like, theres an age gap now, and it might not bother them but its not like they know. i know. (its worse if youre like back in your teenage years while youre already an adult cause at that point it feels a little gross)

its that sort of discrepancy(?)

so like. i dont like that there needed to be an entirely new person to be in that body to make change or do things for the better or make everyone like that person

it feels like a cop out.

and also people believing that that person suddenly changed for the better when they arent that person at all???

which. ow.

maybe thats my bad. maybe im secretly an apologist for them, idk, maybe im projecting

but like idk man. the world telling you youre not enough so someone else ends up in your body and then fixes literally every issue in the world (and everyone liking this 'version' of you better). like ow me heart

in all fairness the og's wouldn't have knowledge of the book they're living in??? which is why the transmigrator can do so much

but. THUS. new life AS the transmigrator, then regressing(?) back into their past life with that new knowledge. and probably character growth cause maybe they experience what being loved is like (familial. imagine how cruel itd be to have a lover then one day waking up in a past life of yours that you can only associate as cruel and punishing, and you genuinely cant be sure if that person was made up or not. like was it just a dream? also 'oh god the people i thought mightve been dead are alive')

tbh though it might be because while op time traveling shenanigans (or anything in between) is cool with me, i also like the angsty time travel of 'when i look at them, i keep seeing their dead faces'

of 'how do you know this' (accusatory, 'are you a traitor?')

of also grudges and stuff

but also. more character growth refacing trauma theyve faced before

also maybe probably very much selfish because they kindaa probably just wanna protect their family and will do anything to do so (and thus embrace the 'villain' part that people think of them as)

i dont know if im making sense anymore

now LET ME BE CLEAR i dont like that shen jiu hit his students and shit and was a huge asshole and its not going to suddenly go away. but. its acknowledging what you did wrong, making up for it, but knowing that it'll still stay there. that he still did it even if he deeply regrets it and even if everyone forgives him. because i really dont know in what situation itd be okay to be hit? and also that hopefully hes not that person anymore, but that he wont hide it and will own up to it as a thing he did and shouldnt have done.

anyway i dont know what og cale did besides act like trash but its either the fics im reading are downplaying it or like. thats really it. i have no clue. but still the same thing. if he did some horrible thing, ABOVE.

i just like redemption. and revenge stories. and character growth-ing.

and maybe thats on me for liking villain-ish characters. (im saying villain-ish though because supposedly og cale didnt play a huge part in the book? ....Birth of a Hero...?????? like he just happened, got beat up, and dipped? i think? thats what ive heard anyway. so i dont know if he really counts as one since like uh. white star.????????? ????)

anyway uh thought dump over

feel free to correct me in comments i like learning about things

[borderline-culture-is]

BPD + DPD + Autism culture is the subtle rage you feel (and feel guilty for feeling) at the fact that your friend, who you had a weekly gymnastics class with, gets to keep going but you cant because they dont want to give you a lift home anymore because it makes them late home and worries their fiance (their fiance doesnt know that you're friends with them still because of reasons) and you cant afford it nor can you pay the insurance because its online payment and your friend can't afford to pay for that too even if you pay them back and you cant pay the insurance yet because your stupid online banking app wont fucking work and let you make an account for no fucking reason and its such a messed up and fucked up situation because that gymnastics class was the one good fucking thing i had going and now i cant fucking go and you feel like your friend's being selfish for not giving you a lift home when they could literally just tell their fiance theyre giving a friend a lift home or drop me off nearer to my house so my mum can give me a lift because she literally agreed to that do that but apparently thats "asking too much of your mum" when she fucking agreed to it?????? Like, what the F U C K is your logic here???

But gods forbid you say anything bad about that friend because you *K N O W* that their mind will take that fucking personally and spiral and then they'll leave again and you CANNOT HANDLE THAT AGAIN even though you know its the best thing to do but you're so attatched and theyre your only irl friend rn and why do people keep fucking leaving why for the love of fuck cant i just have one fucking friend stay with me why for fucks sake cant i be fucking normal why do i fuck up EVERYTHING I TOUCH???

CAN'T I HAVE THIS ONE FUCKING THING????

And then instead of telling the friend all this you instead anonymously post it both hoping they do and do not see it becuase you want them to know how you feel but you dont want them to spiral and leave again even though you're both so toxic for eachother but at the same time they're the only person i can trust and ive never felt happier/more like a person than when i was hanging out with them and they're good to me until their mind starts twisting what im saying and i fucking hate this so much because being their friend feels like i can't have my own issues or find anything wrong with them and it feels guilt-trippy every time they say they're sorry but you cant tell if its on purpose, by accident or your *own* mind fucking up and twisting stuff and whilst i want to just block them and leave i also just cant because theyre the only reason i actually do stuff and go outside anymoee other than the stupid meetings for Universal Credit and whilst i dont *feel* like im spiralling i feel almost nothing but then theres also that dull, quiet rage at this stupid fucking situation because OUR ROUTINE WAS TO GO TO GYMNASTICS EVERY WEDNESDAY BUT NOW SUDDENLY YOU DONT FUCKING WANT THAT????

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I HATE YOU BUT ALSO I DONT BECAUSE I WOULD FALL APART WITHOUT YOU BUT ALSO AT THIS VERY CURRENT FUCKING SECOND I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH WHY DO YOU GET TO GO AND HAVE FUN AT THE GYMNASTICS WHILST I SIT AND ROT IN MY BED DOING FUCK ALL AGAIN FUCK YOU FOR HAVING A BETTER LIFE THAN ME BUT ALSO THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME LIVE VICARIOUSLY THROUGH YOU AND SEE A GLIMPSE OF THE LIFE I COULD'VE LIVED BUT ALSO FUCK YOU FOR TAKING AWAY THE ONE GOOD THING I HAD AND SURE IT WASNT *JUST* YOUR FAULT, IT WAS ALSO THE FAULT OF THE INSURANCE AND COST OF IT BUT ALSO FUCK YOU FOR JUST RANDOMLY DECIDING TO STOP GIVING ME A LIFT BACK HOME BECAUSE YOU COULDNT BE FUCKING BOTHERED TO TELL YOUR FIANCE YOU WERE GIVING A FRIEND A LIFT BACK HOME, HE DIDNT NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING ELSE FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH

but nooooo instead lets fuck over me and take awAY THE ONE GOOD THING I HAD LEFT IN THIS FUCKING WORLD.

LETS NOT ALSO FORGET THAT ONE OF THE PEOPLE AT THE GYMNASTICS WHO YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GOOD FRIENDS WITH SOFT BLOCKED YOU RANDOMLY AND YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHY AND YOU HAD AN ENTIRE FUCKING BREAKDOWN OVER IT.

So sorry for the rant, i needed to get this anger out before i split and punched a wall :')

- 🌌✨️

Ps, BPD culture is also the album To Let Go by NWTB

.

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 14: I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE

wc: 6054

tags: violence, attempted s/a, smut, angst, drugs

a/n: this chapter might be triggering for some people, read at your own risk.

prev chapter

yaera

i havent been to one of these events since i was fifteen. that doesnt sound like a long time, but considering my sister was still alive then, it certainly felt like forever had passed.

the dress i was given is pretty at least. its black, has long sleeves and looks like it was designed for a sexy vampire. one good thing came out of this shitfest.

but the best part is, i can hide san's drugs within my outfit. im not stashing them in matching black purse because it'll get searched, but the tiny ziplock bags fit perfectly in my sleeves and boob area. this will truly be the riskiest thing ive ever done.

irina and the others even messaged me not to forget the stuff. im so focused on just getting that money the fear i had buried inside me hasnt completely resurfaced yet.

im staring at myself in the mirror, looking at my smokey eye make up. the black hair dye really gave me a morbid yet sexy aesthetic that im not bad about. if i could describe myself in two words, it would be exactly that, morbid and sexy.

the sexy part is what bothers me. i know there are people who would agree all too willingly with that. and its not my target audience.

my room door swings open and my mother walks in. theres a strange look on her face as she takes me in. we say nothing to each other for a few moments till she breaks the silence.

"bellisima," she says, almost under her breath. "we can really never go wrong with santo. he made you look like a princess, even if you look like you are going to a funeral."

my insides squirm at the mention of his name. i tried to ignore it, but the fear i felt in that bathroom is coming back full swing. im seeing him tonight. he'll be waiting for me.

"please don't do this again this year," i stiffly begged. "you need to find someone your own age Santo. I'm...I'm not the one."

santo cocks his head to the side and smirks. "and who told you that? who said you're not perfect for me?"

"i don't fucking want you," I hissed. his eyes widen slightly, more out of sick arousal instead of offense.

he advanced on me and i blinked, finding myself pressed against a stall. i whimpered and tried to wriggle out of his grip, but my arms were pinned to the side. oh my God, I'm going to be sick.

"but I want you, and you know that. so why don't you stop playing games," he whispered dangerously close to my ear. i shivered and my nausea kept tugging at my stomach.

"i'm your only chance at a respectable man. your parents already love me. so why don't you accept the love I have for you? you'll never find anyone like me, tesoro."

"i fucking hope so," i whispered, pinching my eyes closed. he moved his face infront of mine, hovering his lips over mine. I whined and wriggle, but he isn't fazed by my struggling.

"you're a big girl now, right?" he said lowly. "i think it's time you feel like a woman."

i snap out of that awful memory when my mother clicks her fingers infront of my face. "come on, hurry up! we are only waiting on you!"

i cant leave san's side tonight. no matter what.

when i get downstairs, my nearly feel the breath getting knocked out of me. he's standing there, looking more handsome than i've ever seen him. black hair slicked back, eyebrows done. the suit is sitting perfectly. its like he's the model here and not me. god i think im going to be sick.

he gives me a small smile but says nothing.

"doesn't she look perfect, amore mio?" my mother says to my father, who only gives an awkward smile of acknowledgement.

"the two of you can sit at the back of the limo. your mother and i will take the two front seats," my father says, then turns to san with a pointed finger. "dont get any ideas, boy. i know your headmaster personally."

san awkwardly laughs. "i would never, sir."

i try not to wonder how true that is. we pile into the limo and my parents keep looking at us through the rearview, making sure there's a significant gap between us. i look over to him and all the anger i felt before is just gone. i think im fucking whipped.

hes the most beautiful man ive ever seen.

"san..."

"you look really pretty," he tells me before i can say anything. saying that with the most expressionless face makes my face drop.

"oh-"

"i just wanted to say that. you really do."

i dont know what to say. the limo is dim so i dont know if he can see how flushed i feel. he leans forward and i think hes about to kiss me. i hope for it. i dont even care if my parents are nearby.

"where are you hiding the stuff?" he whispers. oh right, his drugs.

i show him my sleeves, how the pills are pressed finely between the folds. then i point to my bust. "others are in here," i say.

he chuckles lowly. "creative. you can give me some if you need more space."

if san gets caught with this my parents would end him. everything he worked to achieve would be gone in less than 2 days.

"i think i should keep it. just in case anything happens. you know, rich girl immunity."

san nods and leans back away from me, making me feel empty. "of course."

no words are exchanged between us for a few moments. so we're really going to pretend like the party didnt happen? did that mean it was never going to happen ever again. i dont want to sound desperate but my head is screeching for answers.

but i focus on what matters tonight. putting on a show. getting irina and the others their drugs and collecting payment. and most of all, escaping santo.

"san, can you do me a favour?" i ask.

he hesitates but nods anyway.

"dont leave my side tonight. please."

he rubs the back of his head nervously. "well, i am your date. and i dont know anyone else here."

god. he doesnt realize how bad i need him.thats the thing, i need him more than he needs me. i can never delete what i have on him. i never know when this will go sideways.

the party is at some hotel. when we get there, i can tell the reception is intimidating to san. the cameras, the flashing lights. the security. i grab his hand and he doesnt protest as we go inside. both of us get patted down by security guards, of course the drugs go undetected.

we go inside and the dinner set up is fancy as fuck. i look at san and i cant tell if hes forcing the coolness to not have a panic attack, but his face is blank. i spot irina and the others at a table and wave, my mother dragging us to a separate table with our name on it.

theres a stage with a massive projection screen, where a slideshow of the lingerie collection plays. i know at some point the pictures from the shoot will play out as well. im hoping to sneak off before then because i cant handle the embarrassment.

"so this is your life huh," san mutters next to me. i frown, his tone sounds disappointed.

"whats wrong?" i ask.

"nothing. just...i cant believe it sometimes."

hes been acting so weird. is he insecure? fuck i.dont even know where to start placing questions. my stomach sinks a little at his tone. i guess he'll never get it. he doesnt understand what im really running from. i doubt he ever will. that class disconnect will keep beating our ass.

to him, anything is better than being in a gang. i guess hes right. but that doesnt mean there arent things out there that would make you want to kill yourself. i would know.

santo walks out on the stage and everyone starts clapping like this is the oscars. "good evening everyone, buenos noches, buonasera, and everything else! welcome to the launch of the new Cosa Pericolosa brand. a brand distinct for its dangerous yet delicate beauty, made of the finest Italian lace and silk. i want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate and enjoy this milestone. there will be dancing and there will be a party, saluto!"

as soon as he gets off that stage, i see his face find my parents table. hes coming straight for us. i instantly grab san's hand under the table. he turns to me utterly confused, but i cant deal with that right now.

"mi famiglia!" santo loudly says and kisses my parents on the cheek. he gets to me and does the same, his kiss lingering on me longer than i wanted. i suppress a shiver. "tesoro, you look beautiful in the dress i picked! im so glad to see everyone here!"

"we could not have done it without you, santo!" my mother gushes. "you look so handsome!"

"ah, you are making me shy. it is really you people who are stealing the show, wait till you see how the pictures turned out!" he laughs obnoxiously, turning to smile at me.

"im so glad you are here, tesoro. it is good to finally have you back. your sister would be proud of you."

"thank you, santo." i force a smile. when really i want to scream. dont fucking bring her up, i want to scream it. but i force a stupid, docile smile. fuck if this night goes on for any longer, i might end up doing these drugs myself.

"hold on, who is this," santo finally acknowledges san. he holds out his hand to him. "i am santo falcone. but you can call me santo, you are?"

"that is yaera's date," my mother chimes in as san awkwardly takes his hand. "san choi. he is a classmate."

"oh," santo's smile tightens and he glances at me. "just a classmate?"

my father forces a laugh. "of course. do you know me? she can meet someone when it is time to get married."

santo grips san's hand for an uncomfortable amount of time till he ends up needing to rip it away. "nice to meet you, san choi. excuse me, i will return to you all. i have to greet the other guests and then have them run the music. you all enjoy the night."

he leaves, giving me a weird look before going. is he fucking jealous? does he seriously think he owns me? i dont know how my sister worked with him. hes so fucking creepy and somehow that never came up between us.

irina and the others arrive at our table next, greeting my parents with hugs and kisses. "can we steal yaera for a second? she looks so gorgeous!" claire says, gushing.

"no really, i want to rip that dress off you!" anya says. my mother rolls her eyes and laughs.

"please girls, bring her back in one piece for the show." my mother says. a smirk i know to be devious grows on irina's lips.

"oh we will, dont worry, mrs marino."

im so happy to get up from that table. san grabs my dress and looks up like a lost kid. "where are you going? dont leave me by myself here," he says under his breath.

awww hes so awkward. "ill be right back. dont miss me too much."

his eyes are desperate and his smile is so forced its hilarious. "youre really going to leave me with your parents?"

"dont worry she'll be back!" anya tells him, noticing him holding my dress. "your boyfriend is so clingy, yaera."

i can tell san is trying not to murder her with his glare. not more can be said because im whisked away. we end up in the bathrooms that look like something out of the louvre. anya and claire start taking mirror selfies while irina starts putting the money down on the sink.

"all of it is here, you can count it yourself. now where are the stuff?" she says. i start unrolling my sleeves, taking four of the bags out, getting the other five from my boobs.

anya and claire quickly come scrambling. "oh god, finally!" claire says. "we've been waiting so long."

"is it really that good?" i wonder, their relief is crazy to see. "better than what you already do?"

"alone its okay. but together with what we already do? a fucking trip to the skies," irina shakes her head with a smile. "ive never been so glad to know you, marino."

mixing drugs. that doesnt sound smart. but what do i know? im not the addict.

i smile and take the money, folding it back into my boobs. "youre welcome. and you know if you need more, where to call me."

"of course. and you better answer."

"your boyfriend is so fucking hot yaera," anya says with a sigh. "hes literally gorgeous. where did you find him?"

"careful, you cougar. you cant be talking about an 18 year old like that," i joke.

"im not even twenty three shut the fuck up!" she shoves at my shoulder.

"so he is your boyfriend?" claire smiles. the three of them coo like children when i start blushing.

"im getting there guys," i say. "hopefully soon."

"what do his parents do? he looks like a model himself." claire says.

"you know this is yaera, hes probably crazy as fuck. like the last one, what was his name?" irina chimes in with a snort. "i bet this one is the reason she has drugs in the first place."

i scowl at her. shes right but i hate that she read me so easily. "bitch, just enjoy my services. goddamn it you people are nosy."

she raises an eyebrow. "am i right though?"

i roll my eyes and start to leave, saluting on my way out. "im getting back now to my date now, goodbye ladies."

luckily when i get out, theres music playing and people are on the floor. san is sitting alone by the table, taking random sips out of a champagne glass. im so excited. i actually got money back for us. i throw my hands onto his shoulders and smile widely, unable to hold my excitement.

"so guess who collected their first payment?"

san's eyes widen. "all the money there?"

"every last note. so i think to celebrate we should dance."

san frowns and cringes. "i dont dance. im fine here."

i roll my eyes and grab his hand, pulling him up with a hard tug. "is it a sin for you to do ANYTHING fun? the music is playing and we have something to celebrate, come on."

he sighs and gives in with a lame smile. "fine."

i lead him to the dancefloor, swinging my arms around his neck. san's hands drop to my lowerback as we sway and i cant ignore the happiness bubbling in my brain. i cant stop smiling.

"you seem really happy," he notes. "you're getting a big head from your first payment huh?"

"of course. its just what i needed to prove myself to you. that i can pull my weight and that im not just some liability."

"i never said that-"

"yes you did san. many times." i remind him, and his cheeks flush from.embarrassment. "i can even quote you on it if you want?"

"please dont," he chuckles under his breath. "fine, i guess you can pull your weight."

his dimples are piercing through. i stare at him mesmerized and i cant even hide it. i bet if i was a cartoon in this very moment, i'd be having stars in my eyes.

"you're perfect, you know that?" i say without thinking.

san's eyes widen, then darken in seconds. "what?" his voice is just barely together.

"i want to kiss you again," i admit. "i think its all i'll want for a really long time."

i lightly stroke his cheeks, seeing them go rosey. this is all i have. the only thing that shows me that i do affect him.

his eyes dart down to my lips and i shrink the distance between us, till we're just barely a centimeter apart.

"i dont want you to think about it," i tell him. "just do whatever you want in the moment. thats all that matters."

"yaera..." he gulps, then takes a step back. "i-i dont know about this. lets just...this isnt good. for either of us."

"says who?" i scoff.

"says me. you and i should just stay business partners. strictly business. anything else wont end well for either of us."

hearing that makes my heart shatter and my stomach drop. fuck i can feel my eyes filling with water. i try to choke.it down but i know its obvious.

"so you're just gonna.pretend we never kissed at that party?" i lay down my arms from his neck. "youre just going to pretend that never happened?"

san stops dancing and gives me a curt nod. "i think its best we do. we both know i just represent something to you. something forbidden. thats why you want me right? because im someone you cant have."

i laugh bitterly. "i cant fucking believe you."

i feel a tear drop. san sees it and frowns. "yaera wait-"

i swat his hands away from me. "you are such a fucking dick."

i get off the dancefloor and run somewhere. i dont know where. im just walking, looking for a place to break down and sob. god this is so embarrassing. im so fucking pathetic.

i stop infront of a random room and twist the door handle. its unlocked, thank god. i go inside and fall onto the bed, my chest instantly getting wrecked. i start sobbing horrifically, unable to believe how awful i feel right now.

whats wrong with me. what is legitimately wrong with me. why was he so cold? am i not pretty enough for him or something? this cant just be about the business. i refuse to believe it. and even if it is, why do i feel so worthless?

everytime jongho has rejected me and made me feel like nothing but a stupid slut flashes infront of me. the feeling stabs me like a knife.

that must be it. thats probably what he sees me as. a stupid, desperate evil slut. all i do is throw myself at him. even at that party, i couldnt wait to be all over him. im pathetic. and desperate. i should just die.

my gloves are soaked. i cant believe how much im crying. maybe i should go back to therapy. maybe i wasnt coping as well as i thought i was.

i look up into the mirror stand, seeing my make up absolutely ruined. my entire face is red, and my hair is sticking to my soaked cheeks. i look like shit.

suddenly i remember why i stayed away from men in the first place. because im too fucking sensitive. my mood depends on them. my self worth is a reflection of how much they like me. they control whether i feel emotional highs and emotional lows.

i start laughing at myself. i cant believe i got myself into this kind of fuckery again.

the door opens suddenly, making me jolt. santo comes in and closes the door behind him, smiling tightly. i jerk up and start stumbling back, backing myself into a wall to be far away from him.

"what are you doing here?" i ask, my voice shaking.

"i saw you dancing with that...child," he slowly laughs, his tone sounding bitter. "you have no business being with someone like him, tesoro."

"santo-"

"do you know how fucking sick i felt?" he snaps, stalking like a dangerous animal. "seeing you with him? while you wear the dress i picked out for you?"

being alone was a mistake. i try to dart for the door but he grabs me and picks me up, covering my mouth with his hand. he throws me onto the bed, forcing his bodyweight on top of me. im frozen, i cant move. every karate class ive taken, all my knowledge on hurting someone just vanishes. hes on top of me and i cant move.

im sobbing again. he presses his finger to my lip, hushing me.

"i should be the only one who takes this dress off you tonight," he whispers. he starts lowering the top, leaving the top of my chest exposed. "dont cry, tesoro, you'll feel so much better after. ive been waiting for this for so long..."

"no please, santo," i beg through my tears. "please just leave me alone. please just-"

theres a few knocks on the door. "yaera, is that you? can i come in?"

that's san's voice. santo clamps his palm over my lips again and i scream.through them. its muffled. i start struggling and kicking but he wont get off me. he forces his hand harder. "fucking stop," he growls at me.

the door swings open anyway. san barges in and santo quickly jumps off me, suddenly on the other side of the room. san looks between us, frozen in his feet.

"what, did anyone say you could fucking come in?" santo screams. san stays staring between us, his face absolutely blank. santo scoffs and adjusts his suit jacket before storming out and slamming the door.

i sit up on the bed, looking at san through blurry eyes. i cant even find my voice. i cant even deal with what just happened.

"did he try..." san trails off, shaking his head at me. he rushes to sit down next to me. i cant help it, as soon as he wraps his arms around me i start bawling again.

"i cant fucking breathe. san please i just want to get away from here. please can we just leave."

he softly rubs the side of my head as he holds my face in his chest. "lets go. we'll go away from here. far away from.here. anywhere."

***

san

i dont even know where to start.

yaera and i ordered an uber from the hotel, disappearing with the permission of her father, saying she felt sick and she needed to go home. they werent happy but yaera's distraught face convinced them. they have no idea what the fuck happened tonight. they were sitting with that same guy that night.

hell, i dont even know what happened. but i could put two and two together.

yaera and i havent said a word to each other. shes passed out on my chest all the way to my apartment. i have to carry her on the way in. i have to put her down on her feet when its time to go into my apartment, and she hangs on my arm the entire time.

"you sure you fine with this?" i ask her. she nods wordlessly.

i let her inside, and she makes her way to my bed where she falls hopelessly. i go and sit down beside her, not knowing what to say. i dont know any words that can fix what happened tonight.

i know so much about her, but tonight...it made me realize i know nothing.

"this isnt the first time it happened," she says, her voice low and defeated. "the first time he did it...i was fifteen. he touched the inside of my thigh in a dressing room and kept trying it till i never went back. i never told my parents...or my sister."

i dont say anything. i let her speak.

"he told me he would never let me go. that he was in love with me. he tried so many times. at my own house. and everytime i would end up in the hospital...my parents would blame me. they would say that i was acting out. i didnt know how to tell them. they treated santo better me and my sister. hes a saint to them."

i feel my head heating up. a rich prick predator piece of shit. he deserves to disappear. he deserves to fucking rot.

i bet miss A could make a bastard like him disappear really quickly.

i take her hand and gently rub my thumb over her knuckles. i feel terrible. the only reason he was able to follow her was because of me.

"so thats why you asked me to not leave your side," i realized. "so you wouldnt be alone with him."

"he gets jealous of every man who comes near me," yaera's tears leak onto my pillow. "i thought if he saw you...he would really leave me alone this time. but it just...it made him more aggressive. he tried to..."

i pull her up and bring her into another hug, gripping her tightly. it felt like if i let her go that i'd never hold her again. that feeling terrifies me. i hate it so much.

"i'll never let him hurt you again," i swear. "i'll fucking kill him. just say the word and i will."

"i want him off my skin, san," she tells me pleadingly. "i dont want to feel him ever again. i want to scratch my skin off and be clean. i want to feel clean again."

"you arent dirty, yaera. hes the fucking filthy one for putting his hands on you," i hold her face in my hands. shes delicate, like porcelain. her eyes, that are usually so menacing and careless are filled with sadness. "youre perfect. you dont deserve that, dont for a second blame yourself. you're perfect, do you hear me?"

"if im so perfect then why dont you want me?" she whimpers. my blood runs cold. fuck how can she hit me with such a heavy loaded question.

theres no point in lying anymore. this is the last situation where i can lie.

"im scared," i admit. "im scared of you. and this. and everything. ive never had something like this, ive never had someone this close to me. i dont know how to handle it. ive been alone for so long i dont know how to let anyone be near me. i never let myself have anything. i always let go."

"please let me be there," she whispers in a tone i cant refuse. "please dont let me go. let yourself have this. let yourself have me."

my chest hurts. this night isnt going at all how i thought it would. its too much. i dont know what to say to yaera. i find my eyes feeling heavy. she takes my face in her hands again and i know she wants to kiss me. fuck it, this is the worst time. but at this point, there isnt ever a right time.

i go in for it and kiss her first. her lips are soft and velvety, and she melts against mine instantly. we start to lose our softness, with yaera pulling me closer and closer. its like she wants to take all the oxygen out of me. her kiss is hard, like a cry for help, like im all the air she'll ever need.

she breaks the kiss and drags her lips down my neck, making me shudder. yaera makes her way onto my lap and i dont fight it, her legs wrapping around me tightly as her dress rides up her thighs.

the kisses turn hot and i feel my brain losing sense. this wont end here, i know it. i want to stop it. i drag my willpower from the floor to break our kiss and she stares at me, frowning with swollen lips.

"is this really a good time?" i ask seriously. "you're really emotionally vulnerable right now. after what happened tonight, do you really think-"

"san," she interrupts me, pressing another kiss to my lips. "my life has been one big emotional fucked up moment, i want to forget. i want to have this, im so fucking dead inside. i want to feel alive again."

she stops showering me with warm pecks and looks me dead in the eye. "will you give me that?"

i hold her face again. my chest feels warm thinking about how no one sees her like this. her pain. but she trusts me enough. she lets me see it.

"i'll give you whatever you want tonight. i promise."

those words were all she needed. yaera slides her hands over my chest, pushing the suit jacket off. her hands move fast, flicking open every button till my chest is bare.

she presses her lips to mine again, her fingers tugging at my hair. i moan at the pull, surprising myself and her. she breaks the kiss and smiles down at me.

"i could get used to that sound," she teases. something stirs in me. she's so hot.

i move my hands to the back of her dress, finding the zipper. i dont break eye contact, and her smile only grows as the dress starts falling apart on her.

i slowly drag my lips down her neck, and she lets out a shiver. i fight my smile and continue to leave hot, soft kisses down her shoulder, moving down to her barely hidden cleavage. yaera harshly pulls the dress down, having rolls of money fall out and exposing her chest.

***

yaera

san stares at me after my boobs stare at him. there's a dazed look in his eyes that disappears once he lowers his mouth onto my one boob and grabs a hand full of the other.

i throw my head back, lost in a cloud after feeling his warm mouth. he starts sucking and massaging, rolling circles over my nipple. this is heaven. or something close to it definetely.

i feel my thighs tightening, warmth seeping down from my lower stomach. i try to stifle my moans, my mouth just barely gasping. he looks up at me, pausing on his motion. "you dont have to hold back. i told you i'll give you anything you want tonight," he whispers.

i hold his face with both my hands, feeling like i could cum from just staring into his eyes. "i only want you," i admit direly. i'll take anything he gives me. "but rubbing on you would be nice too."

he leans back, making me yearn. "okay, open wider."

hearing those words just makes me hotter. i get up from his lap and completely remove my dress, both of us just ignoring all the money on the floor. san's eyes hang on my every movement. im in nothing but black lace, and i dont waste time in throwing myself on his lap again, legs parted and ready.

he brings his lips to mine again, both softly and yet completely taking them as his own. his hand slips between my thighs, slowly trailing up like hes carressing fragile ceramics. i shiver as he gets closer to me, his hand finally slipping onto the base of me. he drags his thumb down my clothed folds, wrapping his arm around my waist to pull me closer.

i try to focus on kissing him, dragging my teeth down to his neck. i lose myself when he starts rubbing me with both fingers, feeling that jolt of warmth coursing through me.

my mouth is parted as my face is buried in his neck, pathetic whimpers pumping out of me. san starts going in circles, right in the perfect spot. i do myself the favour and move the fabric to the side, his warm fingers completely melting inside me as he pumps them in and out.

i know im doomed when i hear myself squelching. his rhythm is perfect, not too slow and not too fast, just enough for me to completely feel him and fade cloudily. i feel my high coming, my thighs starting to tense and my grip on him tightening. i start to kiss him frantically, till san keeps pushing his fingers faster. i feel like a hot coil, going and going till before i know it, im dripping all over his fingers.

i collapse onto his lap and he slowly drags them out, and i hear him prop them into mouth. i look at him with an accomplished smile on my face, shaking my head.

"you sick fuck, did you just taste me?"

san shrugs with a small smile on his face. "yeah, can you blame me?"

i cant contain myself, i kiss him again. i dont even feel close to done. "let me do something for you now?" i say against his lips.

"mmm mmm," san shakes his head, gently gripping my waist. "i just want you to feel good. do you?"

i nod. "i feel better than ever. but really, you dont want anything?"

he lets out a heavy sigh. "i didnt want to tell you this, but you feeling things makes me...feel things."

oh he just became ten times hotter.

i realize it now, while sitting so close to him, i can feel his massive boner poking me through his pants. i smirk to myself, getting an idea.

"oh no, you have that look on your face again," san mutters, moving my hair back. "what are you thinking?"

"readjust your friend. so i can sit on him."

san goes quiet, but i can feel him pulsing underneath me. its sensation is sending me into fucking heat all over again.

"i dont think we should go too far," he says. "dont get me wrong, i want to. i really do. but i dont think you're feeling hundred percent...after everything."

my smirk drops. i dont want to think of him. not right now. not while i have san's hands all over me. but i guess its not a good look if i do just jump his bones after everything that happened.

he holds my face in his hands and squeezes after i say nothing. "and dont think its because you're not pretty or anything. seriously, i dont know why you would even say that."

i shrug. my black and white state of thinking has never really helped me.

san picks up a pillow up and tosses it against the wall. "come on, lets fall asleep. we can talk again in the morning."

"okay," i mutter. i dont know what else to say. i get off him and and crawl into his bed. san follows after, his hot skin completely blanketing me as he puts his arm over my body and draws me against him.

"are you gonna act like nothing happened tomorrow again?" i ask.

silence.

"no. stop worrying."

his curt words dont register in my brain, because he places a warm kiss on my shoulder. it doesnt take me long to completely drift to sleep.

***

wooyoung

wooyoung knows he fucked up. he knows its all fucked up, he just doesnt know when he's going to tell san about it.

miss A is looking at him with cold eyes, he cant even utter a word because of the fear inside him. seonghwa is sprawled out on a broken couch, horrific burns all over him. hes barely alive, but he had it in him enough to tell everyone about what went down at the warehouse.

"changbin is dead, you know this right?" miss A tells him.

"yes, ma'am," he utters pathetically.

"so you know what you and lucky have to do."

he knows he cant stay a bitch in this gang for long. he knows its going to get real. petty stuff is all wooyoung is used to. extortion, scamming people. when he watched yunho die, a fear he thought was so far away just flashed infront of his eyes. he knew he'd come to be on the other end someday.

"you find that man...and you bring me his hand. or else, i'll have yours."

***

A/N: pls this chapter was a mess im sorry and it took forever to write , the next will be better 😭😭😭😭

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i hate bedbugs i hate bedbugs i hate bedbugs

me when my dad picks up a dresser up off the side of the road, puts it next to my bed and now i exclusively get to deal with the infestation

like oh my fuck this is the third fucking wave i dont even care anymore theyre always going to be here my beds always gonna feel gross and even when theyre finally gone itll never feel like it because theres always another wave incoming always another fucking wave like i swear if this paranoia doesnt kill me itll be the suicide out of frustration from dealing with more of these (/j bout kms obvi or at least for now hopefully) but like why tf cant they at least bother other people in this house cuz i KNOW if they were in my moms bed wed probs have gotten an exterminator or pulled out the big guns by now or SOMETHING but no. its me. so like what do we do??? we tell me to deal with it myself!!!! and. I try!!! but i have no fucking experience with this nor do i have resources!!! actually nvm about the mom thing bcuz actually if it even just so much as bothered my sister who shares a room with me yet has a completely pestless bed tjen they still would help because it affected her in the first wave and with the first wave THEY DID TRY TO HELP!! AND NOW THEY ARENT!!! ITS JUST 'aw nuts again? welp go put your stuff in the laundry i guess, if that doesnt help we cant do anything! so go like idk fuck yourself or something' THIS WHOLE PROBLEM ISNT EVEN MY FAULTTT I DID *NOT* CHOOSE TO HAVE THIS DRESSER AND I DO LITERALLY

whats even the point of getting rid of them at this point they dont even bite me for blood

wait wtf tho how tf are they eating

they arent eating my sister

HOW TF ARE THEY GETTING NUTRIENTS?!?!? wait nvm humans have dead skin

how to /kill @e irl guys help help me pls i hate these dumb bitchbugs omg bitchbugs thats a great name for them

annnnnd post at 9:10 for fav number

[thelittleautisticgirl]

To preface, im still not officially diagnosed for Autism but i did get the screening tests which came back almost full marks of "yup you got this"

Growing up undiagnosed Autistic is so fucking weird because wdym everything i do isnt the way NT's do it? Tf you mean the way i walk, the way i hold a pen/pencil, the way i fucking BREATHE is different from them???

Is that why i walk on the inner and front bit of my feet? Is that why my handwriting will always be messy because of the way ive grown up holding the pen/pencil and no one bothered to pay attention and try to correct it they just let me keep doing it wrong? Is that why basic things are so fucking difficult for me...?

Is this why life is so difficult for me? Because ive been doing it wrong because i took your Non-Literal Instructions and my silly little brain that doesnt understand subtext made it Literal??

Growing up undiagnosed Autistic feels like you're drowning in an inch of water and everyones telling you you're swimming wrong and look at how easy everyone else has it, stop struggling, look, everyone else could tie their own shoes before they were twelve, why are you so slow to learn things? Why do you eat slowly? Why do you walk weird? Why do you do everything (except for walking) slower than everyone else? Why cant you do stuff faster?

And you want to scream that you dont know and that its hurting you and that you wish you knew and please leave me alone stop judging me for it.

I met up with a good (id consider to be my best) friend yesterday in the nearby city and we got KFC and they were finished with the food within what? Half an hour? Maybe 20 minutes? And by the time we left (an hour later according to the clock tower that chimed, as the place opened an hour before we left it) i had barely finished the popcorn chicken (my favourite bit) and had nibbled at the chips and had a bite of the boneless chicken. I dont understand..? Why was i so slow to eat? Sure i was talking and my tulpas feel comfortable enough to front and switch and talk to this friend so we were doing that but it felt like we were there for maybe 15 minutes before we actually *left* and I'd barely eaten and i dont understand why its so slow for me why am i so slow at eating?

We ended up feeding the rest of the food to the pidgeons and throwing away three of the boneless chicken bits, which i now regret because i did actually want to eat them but i couldn't in time, we were walking to a shop to get some Actual Bird Food™️ but it didnt allow food inside... actually, it might have, but we didnt account for that and just assumed that it wouldn't let us eat inside...

I guess part of it is because of the ED i had, which didnt let me eat stuff even if i really wanted to (suspected Anorexia but its been to long for me to get a diagnosis since i dont have it anymore, only traces and left over habits that im working on dismantling) and i guess also the autism of Not Fucking Eating/Doing/Talking/Existing Fast Enough.

Growing up undiagnosed Autistic is trying to do everything and still wondering why you're slower than everyone else.

Its wondering why theres always been this invisible wall between you and your NT peers, why are they able to do tasks easily, why can't i do the same tasks in the same time? I even do it the exact same fucking way?? Why does it take me so much longer? I wasnt even distracted this time??? I was moving the same speed as you and yet i was still slower????

Growing up undiagnosed Autistic is wondering why you struggle to keep up with everyone else.

[lovergirl31]

i dont think my brain is being doo doo i just think its a lot going on. and ur spending a lot of time out suddenly. and the idea of u staying out until midnight or doing one off smoking sessions just doesnt rlly sit right with me. and theres just a lot in ur schedule atm where in my head it just seems easier to disassociate from our relationship for the week bc i just cant be bothered to be dictating or affected by what my bf does. theres just been sm making me overthink to the point where i just dont wanna care anymore T_T its just one thing to be apart from eachother but its also the fact we r apart from each other and it feels like u have a whole second life when we are. and idk that call u got when u were here was also a big reality check for me that i really dont know half of your life or the intentions people have. and just the fact he was trying to persuade ur company with girls being at an event was really weird and was something i would of never even been aware of. theres just a lot of unresolved stuff in my mind rn and things have felt weird. and im honestly still a bit upset about the sexual stuff from when u were here. a few weeks ago we'd spoken about how often we'd expect to do the deed and i said the full thing i could agree on ur expectation bc u said "only 2-3 times a month" originally and i agreed bc the process of preparation is awkward but we agreed on still doing intimacy and it felt like u just didnt respect that and just continuing to do stuff and then not wanting to finish bc of it just felt strange. and honestly made me feel like a bit of an object bc u didnt get what u wanted and just stopped it. and idk sometimes i feel like u really dont know me at all and ur just kind of saying things that dont feel authentic to keep things a float. like do u even like me or do just think im hot and like the physical intimacy. and trying to reassure me by saying my brain is being funky is honestly just a bit invalidating to my feelings and lacking acknowledgement.

im just in a really uneasy place rn and i know some of it could definitely be from the fact we went from u being here to not. but also i know a lot of this was playing on my mind in general. and some of the uneasy feelings irl were there too affecting that.

i stand by the fact i think life would be a lot easier if we were together all the time. but also rn it just feels like a lot of uncertainty. and it shudnt be a when. that should just be something we have. regardless of the distance we should still have a strong emotional connection. bc thats the route of a relationship and the security. also idk if its just the conflicts in our lifes but like im very serious when i say "i just want our existence to be u and i and no one else existing" but i feel like you always have everyone and their mother trying to reach out to u and it doesnt make me feel very secure tbh. also on a similiar note i know there arent a lot of girls but theres still some and u can obviously flip that and say i have guys who reach out to me but also i basically always initiate talking about my bf. and its not even for u. i do that bc i like to do that. i do that for my own security of our relationship and i keep the convos dry. but i feel like i have to set the expectation of asking u to do that and then i dont want u to do it LOL and it just feels diff. and also just the stuff about this week. i dont like feeling like im something u have to squeeze in at the end of all ur chores at the end of the day. i get mandatory stuff but holy moly. and i will not be a girlfriend making my bf have a curfew or be responsible or whatever bc honestly it is not my job to ask for that. i can understand the mandatory stuff like i said and ur gym stuff ive been very flexible with but when u have events ur choosing to attend thats ur responsibility to be responsible and stuff on and also it could also just be the unlucky timing of it all. as it is all in this week. and maybe i wouldnt have minded so much if it was more spread out but regardless that doesnt change the responsibility matter of it all and just the fact i am genuinely uneasy bc ur second life just feels unknown to me. and im just overwhelmed. ^^tbh idk if this last one came across with the right intention but my point was that its just a mystery to me and honestly in a relationship i personally have values and boundaries and tbh just going out late without your partner is a major red flag to me and same with weird events. hence why im still mega anxious about the christmas party and will assume the worse. thats not just me being insecure or overthinking thats just a literal boundary and a respectable one imo. like i dont think youd like me going out randomly until 1 am drinking alcohol or going to partys without u but ya.

[staravya]

(for the sake of this premise having a leg to stand on im pretending the emperor doesnt exist and its just proximity to the artifact thats enough to save them okay)

like for example. everyone individually trying to think of ways to, idk, convince shadowheart that lady shar perhaps not good for her. meanwhile shadowheart being like oh no its so obvious that i was super devoted to lady shar, how do i gracefully pivot away from this without veering too far off track. maybe ill pretend that everyone else is convincing me super fast. which makes everyone else go omg shes being convinced so much faster this time im doing such a great job of convincing her. that kind of dumbassery. confirmation bias at its finest

wyll being like. okay we have to find karlach so im still going to say that im after her so we have reason to do that but that means i have to talk about her in ways that would be reason enough for The Blade to go after her... its okay karlach will simply be her usual wonderful self and i will just be very quick to "change my mind" and apologize for the things i used to assume about her. and the instant they find her without any prompting at all she goes "hey im not evil i promise (has been trying to come up with a way to speedrun this awkward conversation)" and wyll is "[thumbs up] i believe you (wants to get through this asap also)" and the rest of the party is nodding along very quickly karlach thinks wow im doing such a great job at convincing him, wyll thinks hes convincing the party, the party thinks theyre convincing wyll, etc etc

astarion cautiously rejoining and everyone making the least subtle references ever to the fact that theyre totally down with travelling w a vampire spawn and also maybe killing a vampire lord down the line maybe just you know if it ever comes up maybe btw haha. ha. not that theres any that they know of but like,,, you know,,,,,,, if you ever want one killed. winkwink. and astarion is like yeah theyre just as weird & bloodthirsty as i remember. if they wanted to kill a vampire lord so bad to begin with no wonder they agreed to help me!

though laezel does not bother with the deception for her history i think. she just doesnt mention her god at all and unfortunately everyone else is so busy with their stupid juggling acts they dont even notice bc they filled in the blanks themselves via past experience. funny moment where everyone makes a rush for the orpheus story bits to present them to laezel like the clumsiest herd of puppies in the world and laezel (already knows this story but also knows she needs them to trust her and they wont if she refuses to translate this tablet for them) is like. ugh. well if you want to know so bad. and everyone else (thinks laezel NEEDS this new information) is like PLEASE.

gale being ??? at people just handing him magic items all the time. without question. anytime he approaches someone its like oh btw gale i dont need this anymore and in fact once its in your hands ill forget it exists and you can do whatever you want with it and ill never question or ask for it or anything. eventually hes just. i appreciate it but please understand that i have low str and cannot carry this much. its great that hes so well fed though and wow clearly being more discerning on the battlefield with his spells (see: knowing how the fight will happen) has made everyone trust him much more with their magic stuff. hes doing such a good job etc etc you get the idea

I think there’s a p funny bg3 fic setup for a ng+ time loop “I’m the only one who was sent back and I have to do things right” except it’s all of them kind of thing bc you’d assume the tadpole brainmelding would make it difficult but if they did share future stuff they’d assume it was their own memories leaking over instead and be very eager to wave it off. Which the other person, assuming the same, would also be doing. Idk I’m just amusing myself imagining how far along the farce could possibly go

[2qts]

Here we go again

[skipdoq]

artwork by me

i wanted to make my first post something cool but all i came up with was this rant about the social media platform i called my home for 6 years.

**a rant**

im finding dark patterns on instagram that dont appeal to me and that i cant support. the entire platform is geared towards shortform content and keeping you on the platform for as long as possible. thus the platform drives away small artists and does not give them a chance to grow

1. dark patterns consist of things such as: updating the app and making small changes that nobody asked for, removing the ability to see every post under a hashtag, and reels taking you down unintentional rabbit holes.

ive always been annoyed by recommended reels on your home page taking you off of your home page and sending you into the reels page. i am in belief that your home page should be a static area that is full of things you’d expect to see there such as posts from people you follow. when a reel takes you out of your home page, its very intrusive and i often find myself getting lost down this rabbit hole for 30 minutes and feeling annoyed after realizing what had happened.

when i recently found out that you cant view recent posts under a hashtag, i was absolutely pissed. its a direct attack against small artists and people who want to look for commissions of maybe an artist with a not-so-popular style. or even cheap coms. if i cant find these smaller artists and support them, how can we expect a community to grow and prosper. how can i expect to grow from a hashtag directly. at that point why even bother with putting a hashtag.

2.with the rise of short form content, artists have had to find new ways to gain reach from their posts. naturally, art in of itself doesnt have great video content, as its a picture. while one could argue this creates competitive creativity and drives someone to think outside the box, it ultimately harms and deters new artists from giving it a go, because it requires more time devoted to the entertaining part of the content than the actual artwork being created. most short form content is designed to generate a quick laugh and maybe a like and follow. when artists cant do that, because they want a specific aesthetic to their art, lack of interaction between community and artist may drive their passion dry.

with the fact that instagram is now more geared towards short videos and not photos like it once used to be, the chances of success as an artist is becoming scarce. theres a loss of close knit community that was once present.

thats what i hope to achieve here. i want to bring back that community feeling that we all once felt. i dont make art all too often anymore because instagram has killed my desire to make and create. i want to see awesome art. thats about it. when i create stuff i want atleast a little bit of attention. i dont want to feel like something i spent hours of my time making, flopped.

if ur still reading this…. thanks

i hope its made you realize that, wow. we all waste so much time on reels, and tiktoks too. to me, the short form content just doesnt sit well with me. i want to be enthralled in whatever im engaged with. lets make a cool community together! thankyou artists!

[bewitchingfanfiction]

Homestuck Fic (2020/1/10)

KARKAT: DAVE. WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING SERIOUS.

DAVE: dude i swear the tentacles dont bother me

KARKAT: WHAT? HOLY FUCK NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

DAVE: oh

DAVE: shit did you find out about my stash

KARKAT: YOUR WHAT?

DAVE: ...

DAVE: why dont you just talk and ill shut the fuck up

KARKAT: GOOD PLAN. WE SHOULD DO IT MORE OFTEN. ANYWAYS YOU, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SIT DOWN.

DAVE: this must be pretty big

DAVE: alright lay it on me

KARKAT: KANAYA AND I...HAD A MOMENT.

DAVE: ...

DAVE: what kind of moment

KARKAT: I WAS UPSET BECAUSE OF A MOVIE I WAS WATCHING WHEN SHE CAME OVER TO BORROW A NOVEL I PROMISED SHE COULD LOOK AT. I STARTED CRYING BECAUSE OF COURSE I DID, IT WAS FUCKING TITANIC HOW DO YOU NOT CRY? STRIDER STOP LAUGHING SHUT THE FUCK UP.

DAVE: sorry

KARKAT: ANYWAYS SHE SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME WHILE I WAS CRYING AND...AND...

DAVE: ...

KARKAT: SHE...SHOOSH PAPPED ME.

DAVE: uh what

DAVE: you mean she caressed your face

KARKAT: NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. THIS IS SHOOSH PAPPING 

DAVE: ow what the fuck

DAVE: why did you hit me

KARKAT: RIGHT HUMANS ARE DELICATE AND FRAGILE AS SHIT, SORRY. BUT THAT'S WHAT MOIRAILS DO TO COMFORT EACH OTHER.

DAVE: ooohhhh this is a moirail thing

KARKAT: YES DAVE. IT'S A 'MOIRAIL THING' BUT I SWEAR NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED WE WERE BOTH HORRIFIED AFTERWARDS WHEN WE REALIZED WHAT WE DID. I'M SO SORRY DAVE IT MEANT NOTHING TO ME.

DAVE: dude

DAVE: you look ready to start hyperventilating 

DAVE: calm the fuck down

KARKAT: ...YOU'RE NOT MAD?

DAVE: fuck no 

DAVE: dude your moirail shit is basically just friendship to me

DAVE: i know theres more to it for you guys than that but like

DAVE: it doesnt make a difference for me

DAVE: but i get that youre like super freaked out about this so uh...

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: ...

KARKAT: DID YOU JUST...SHOOSH PAP ME?

DAVE: fuck did i do it wrong

DAVE: shit

KARKAT: NO YOU DID IT RIGHT BUT...

KARKAT: WE'RE MATESPRITS. THIS IS MOIRAIL TERRITORY. ARE YOU FLIPPING QUADRANTS ON ME AGAIN?

DAVE: what do you mean again we arent doing the quadrant thing man

DAVE: were human dating

DAVE: arent we

KARKAT: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE. WE NEVER REALLY PUT ANY LABELS ON OUR RELATIONSHIP. HUMAN DATING HUH? WHAT DOES THAT ENTAIL?

DAVE: its basically all the quadrants at once i guess

DAVE: like sometimes you piss me off but other times i just want to cuddle with you till we die

DAVE: and if youre fighting with someone i wanna be the one to calm you down

DAVE: but ill still want to fuck you later

KARKAT: !!!

DAVE: holy shit i did not just say that

DAVE: okay lets pretend i didnt say that one

DAVE: kind of like how i pretend i didnt once call roxy mommy

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: wow thats another thing i just said that you never needed to know

DAVE: like thats pretty much number one on my long list of stuff to never tell anyone

DAVE: right behind that is probably when i commented on her ass

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: okay yeah i should shut up like the words spewing out of my mouth should just come to a fucking halt right now 

KARKAT: DAVE.

DAVE: youre probably very disturbed which one did it

DAVE: which dumb comment is finally gonna make you leave me

DAVE: it was the ass one wasnt it

DAVE: i bet it was

KARKAT: DAVE. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

DAVE: k

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: ...

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: ...

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: just to be clear im not into my sort of mom

KARKAT: DAVE.

DAVE: sorry

KARKAT: LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT INTO ROXY. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER HOW WE GOT ON THE TOPIC OF HER ACTUALLY. JUST...ARE WE OKAY?

DAVE: what

DAVE: yeah

KARKAT: OKAY GOOD. I KNOW PALE STUFF DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE TO A HUMAN BUT...IT STILL FELT LIKE I WAS CHEATING ON YOU. SO I'M STILL SORRY.

DAVE: its cool man chill

DAVE: besides youre not breaking up with me

DAVE: right

KARKAT: OF COURSE NOT. HELL NO. THAT'S THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO. 

DAVE: ...cool

KARKAT: HA, YOU'RE BLUSHING, THAT'S ADORABLE.

DAVE: shut the fuck up i am not

KARKAT: YOUR SHADES CAN'T HIDE YOUR WHOLE FACE STRIDER. YOU'RE SO RED I'D THINK YOU WERE SICK.

DAVE: maybe i am sick

DAVE: maybe youve given me some sort of illness that cant ever be cured and well have to live out one of those dramatic scenes from those movies where the girl is laying in the hospital bed dying while the guy declares his undying love for her only our version will be a lot better and a lot gayer which is what makes it better

KARKAT: FUCK THAT. I'M TURNING OFF OUR MOVIE BEFORE WE GET TO THAT POINT THEN. 

DAVE: you cant press pause the remote is broken you gotta see it through

KARKAT: THEN LIKE THOSE SHITTY YET SOMEHOW MAGICAL DISNEY FILMS YOU MADE ME WATCH, I'LL USE THE POWER OF BULLSHIT AND LOVE TO BRING YOU BACK TO LIFE.

DAVE: haha oh really?

DAVE: you know that kind of magic usually requires a kiss

Karkat: HEHE. PREPARED TO BE CURED THEN, STRIDER.

KARKAT: <3

DAVE: <3