#so that stuff doesnt bother me anymore but theres still this thing of like

[sodrippy]

surprising my grandma is gonna go like "oh my god whats going on i cant believe youre here!!!! youve gained weight huh"

[liquidstar]

a friend who'd wait :)

[be-good-to-bugs]

:/ god my apartment manager sucks

[grif-hawaiian-rolls]

Anyways the “essay” about the energy sword to character development pipeline below the cut

Ok so like yea tucker-crunchbite-junior is, obviously, the first instance of the sword-quest-companion theme/trio that im like, rattling in my head rn

Tucker finds the sword, crunchbite shows up and theres the “quest” that challenges tucker both in the false intent (you need to be the hero) and the true intent (SA leading to Junior which is not handled well but it IS important) which is a push against tucker’s character thus far in that he’s the comic relief, make everything a sex joke archetype— he doesnt take it seriously, he doesnt see himself as important beyond getting just enough recognition to be “hot” and now he’s made to be the so called “hero” and the true plot puts him in the one position that he probably never thought could be him. Bc he wants to get laid so… yeah. Pushes his character if you give it like three seconds of critical thinking and not just the standard “haha alien baby bullshit” (that said, i do enjoy fics that explore crunchbite more and play with the potential of the “joke” shitty character into someone less sinister, but im doin my best to stick to canon rn)

And JUNIOR, oh man, because theres the thing that really solidifies this for me like

The dude who doesnt care doesnt bother is all jokes and ‘man whatever’ energy is a dad, and it starts with him trying to avoid it but he really fucking quickly steps the FUCK up for Junior and its the start of his development that people are like “oh he learns to be a leader on chorus” which i mean kinda yeah but he never struck me as a Leader even on Chorus even tho he does decidedly lead, its not the same as when kimball leads or when wash leads or carolina

He’s leads as a dad bc he is a dad

Not always a good one, but he’s trying and yea sometimes that means being the asshole, sometimes that means screwing up but it also means you fucking care and you take responsibility and you put yourself in danger first (the rescue mission, leaving the lieutenants behind)

And that doesnt start on chorus! Its the most evident there sure but

it starts with junior

It starts with him going after tex to protect his son, it starts with him trying to be a diplomat so they stay together, in sending junior away so he is safe while tucker buys time protecting the temple, it STARTS with him looking at church and going “leave my kid out of this” and yeah the way rvb was written and approached does Not take that seriously bc it wouldnt and if it did it would be a very different show but the implications are there and its acknowledged with tucker’s photograph of junior with his 5th grade basketball team (“i know right? Who carries actual pictures anymore” -tucker) which i could go on about THAT too but suffice to say its very clear that tucker cares so gd much about his kid and yeah his character development isnt super linear but you can basically pinpoint when it starts with the sword and junior

The second run of this trio of things is actually grif which is admittedly, a stretch, a big ol reaching for straws (okay, TECHNICALLY grif is the third run, but i’ll address that in a minute) largely a stretch bc grif… does the pattern backwards

This IS S16 stuff so if ur a shisno paradox hater i respect that, i however am gnawing on it with everything i have and will be going feral so this is your warning thank u for reading the tucker side of it mwah appreciate ya

Anyways

Grif does his plot backwards during timetravel shenanigans

He gets the alien companion/friend who contrasts his character first in Huggins

Grif is a loyal friend, but he is lazy, even after s15’s breakdown and apparent change of tune, he’s still looking to take the path of least resistance, avoiding the call, trying to keep things from moving

Enter Huggins: zippy, full of energy, excitable and just so different in that she is not only so proactive she puts herself in danger (which helps everyone in the long run/plot but its the principle) but shes so fucking lonely

As far as she knows, her family is dead, except for muggins who is so dettached from her, he might as well be a coworker and not her brother

Compared to grif, who has a family even when he tries to push them away (the reds, the blues, KAIKAINA) but hates taking action

Huggins is the start for grif’s arc of “it sucks but someones gotta do it” which in their case is best shown as the trudge across the bottom of the english channel which is so fucking funny to me but it really pushes both of them and puts them firmly in the friends category

Huggins cant zip ahead without grif, grif cant stop moving because huggins wont let him, so they find their little balance of gas vs brakes and together they cruise along p well

The actual push of the “quest” is grif having to be the one who steps up (kinda like tucker but its to the left) he’s the one who starts getting everyone together again across the timeline, even if he is very,,,

Well he’s very Grif about it, but it is still fundamentally, the change in character

Tucker isn’t a always good dad, Grif isn’t always a good instigator of action

But theyre trying and theyre working on it and grif’s arc suffers a Little from being so late in the show and thus not having much of a parallel to pull on but you could argue he gets the parallel from s15 anyways with the refusal of the call (from fake church/loco) and rescue mission but i hesitate to call that a parallel bc its literally back to back but an argument could be made for it which i love

Enter part two: the alien quest giver

“Wait wasnt that huggins”

NOPE huggins was alien companion! The Bestie in grif’s case,

The alien fetch quest comes from atlas, in that stupid wishing sequence but cmon it wouldnt be rvb if the character development wasnt sandwiched inbetween obnoxious gags and stupidity

The quest is less important here admittedly bc again, with grif doing this in reverse its not the challenge to his principle character that it was for tucker, his connection to huggins was the challenge, and this becomes the final push into the development, the “you have a role, now play it” that gives grif the final shove into Doing Things literal!! And his prize? For this character development arc? An alien sword

And thus the inverse version reaches an end, sort of (im pissed that technically he loses his sword, im also ignoring that he loses it in canon bc he fucking earned it okay this is a bit of canon i will ignore and loophole my way around it)

And now we track back to Chorus and to the second iteration of the sword-quest-companion plot

Locus

Now okay i will admit this is conjecture and pepe-silvia-on-corkboard-with-red-string fuckery at this point but hear me out okay!

He gets the sword with Felix’s death. We know this. What we dont know is how the fucking hell he gets off Chorus! We just see him show up later with A’rynasea. The vaguely alien (maybe sentient?? AI? Its implied with the way he addresses her but we literally have her for like two episodes) ship that seems to be the driving force (literal) (bc shes his ship) behind his chosen redemption arc where he pushes himself to help others at no apparent benefit to himself, but because it is, and i quote “the right thing to do”

Arguably, Santa could be Locus’ quest giver, seeing as how he is the one who triggers the whole shift in view for Locus in the first place and that is, technically, what crunchbite does and what atlas finalizes for grif! But the problem is we simply dont have enough of A’rynasea to draw the parallel between her and Locus as personalities, as companions for it to work for me??? But that might just be me overthinking? But it does make Locus’ version is a bit messier depending on who you consider his quest-giver but as far as I’m concerned, he’s still on his quest snd its just up to interpretation if A’rynasea is his companion?? or if theres a secret third alien for Locus that we never wouldve seen even if they planned for that bc its red vs blue and im just delusional about locus and his role in plot and this is just me firing concepts blindly into the sky at this point like - yeah i could still theorize what kind of companion characterization i think locus would work well with bc its more about the wielder than the companion in this sense (sorry junior and huggins i love yall i promise) but thats a completely separate rant at this point and not nearly coherent enough at this exact moment to add it PLUS its ridiculously self indulgent and only marginally canon compliant/adjacent but i will never not be amused by this very specific plot beat happening enough to draw these parallels, as tenuous and vague as the parallels are

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas <3

cw/tws for medical stuff, complex family relationships, discussion of death

so, for context, im a regulus black kinnie (itll make sense, give me a sec aha). ive got a difficult relationship with most of my family, but most especially my mother and older sister. my sister is a lot like our family's sirius (except if he still had walburga's narcissism, cruelty and manipulation), and she really doesnt get along with either of our parents. my mother is... a difficult woman, in that she likes to victimise herself in every situation, shes homophobic/transphobic/all the phobics, shes also very narcissistic, and likes to make uncomfortable comments without bothering to be nice about it. all in all, i try not to be around her much. im also supposed to be moving out soon, and planned to minimise contact as much as possible once i do.

to the point: my mother was diagnosed with cancer yesterday. my father (hes kind of a neutral party in the family dynamics, btw) was the one talking to me about it, since she's in hospital at the moment. he said they caught it early enough where a bit of chemo over the next few months should get rid of it and she'll be okay, but 'cancer' is a scary as fuck word. he also then told me that this isnt her first time with it — she had a different type of cancer around 20 years ago.

honestly, i feel like my brain is battling itself about how i should feel. on the one hand, ive been looking forward to not having to be around her now for years, and i hold very little love for her at this point. why should i care? she'll be fine at the end of it anyway. but shes still my mum, yknow? and i feel awful having these thoughts about how badly ive always thought of her and how much ive wanted for so long to get away from her and how it almost feels like this is some sort of sick fucking joke from the universe about how i should be careful what i wish for or something.

this whole situation keeps making me think about regulus in best friends brother(? i think thats the right fic) or p much any modern au where walburga dies so tbh ill probably end up writing a fic about it to cope, but still i just... i guess i needed to tell someone? my father asked me to keep it to myself for now so that it wasnt spread around where we live (its a small area; everyone knows everyone).

and the bit with my sister - as i said, she doesnt get along with our parents. i dont talk to her much anymore either because she seemed to inherit a lot of our mothers worst traits, but im afraid that if we do talk about this then she'll have some awful thing to say about it. she makes some really dark 'jokes' sometimes about suicide and death and such, and im nervous that she'll say something about how she hopes it kills her (again, my sister fucking sick, and has zero empathy), because shes made similar jokes about other stuff in the past. i also dont think she'd understand that im still afraid for our mother even after everything shes done, and i hate the way my sister turns on me and rips the piss out of me when she doesnt like what i do.

it all kind of circles back to how im supposed to feel, i guess. part of me wants to not care and brush it off, whatever, but theres still part of me dying for my mothers love and approval and is terrified of losing her, even with the low possibility.

sorry this got so long, and for how heavy it is. i hope youre doing well cas, and thank you for all you do for us <3

Hi hon!

My god, you ARE a reg kinnie.

Here's the thing- there is not a RIGHT way to feel about those things. You have a complex relationship with your mom, so of course you'll have complex feelings about the situation. You don't need to feel guilty for feeling any certain way, because there's no right or wring way to process this. You're allowed to feel scared and neutral and confused and ambivalent. That's okay!

Your feelings aren't a betrayal to anyone, and you have a right to them. You also have a right to any action you choose to take. Remember to do what feels right for YOU, because YOU are important.

I'm here if you ever need to talk <3

Naming you reg kin anon.

[fictionfixations]

can i just say

you know those transmigrater(?) grator?? i odnt. i dont know the terms for this man

but you know the the the. transmigrates into usually the villain kinda stories?

you know whats my favorite for that kinda stuff? where we were the actual character all along (i think its.. regressor...? ??? either going back into your past as yourself or living another life and then backtracking to a past life of yours that being of generally the villain? idont know if thats what it actually means)

ive also never seen it but i just. think its really cool. and i like reading fics where theyre the same person

in the same way i like it when they have motives. let me be clear, ive NEVER seen the source material so i have no idea whats canon and whats not

but you know what id like to think is canon? shen jiu being a former slave and being super bitter at the world for being very cruel and thats why hes an asshole in like. book canon.(? canon. of. the book. ..in the story.? i think the the the book in that one is like Proud Immortal Demon Way...? IDK man)

or like like. og cale henituse acting like trash because he cares about his siblings and doesnt want negative attention on them also dont know if thats canon. but yknow what? thats my canon

now about time travel in general since it kind of relates, romance is always iffy because its like you know everything that'll make this person fall in love with you. or like, theres an age gap now, and it might not bother them but its not like they know. i know. (its worse if youre like back in your teenage years while youre already an adult cause at that point it feels a little gross)

its that sort of discrepancy(?)

so like. i dont like that there needed to be an entirely new person to be in that body to make change or do things for the better or make everyone like that person

it feels like a cop out.

and also people believing that that person suddenly changed for the better when they arent that person at all???

which. ow.

maybe thats my bad. maybe im secretly an apologist for them, idk, maybe im projecting

but like idk man. the world telling you youre not enough so someone else ends up in your body and then fixes literally every issue in the world (and everyone liking this 'version' of you better). like ow me heart

in all fairness the og's wouldn't have knowledge of the book they're living in??? which is why the transmigrator can do so much

but. THUS. new life AS the transmigrator, then regressing(?) back into their past life with that new knowledge. and probably character growth cause maybe they experience what being loved is like (familial. imagine how cruel itd be to have a lover then one day waking up in a past life of yours that you can only associate as cruel and punishing, and you genuinely cant be sure if that person was made up or not. like was it just a dream? also 'oh god the people i thought mightve been dead are alive')

tbh though it might be because while op time traveling shenanigans (or anything in between) is cool with me, i also like the angsty time travel of 'when i look at them, i keep seeing their dead faces'

of 'how do you know this' (accusatory, 'are you a traitor?')

of also grudges and stuff

but also. more character growth refacing trauma theyve faced before

also maybe probably very much selfish because they kindaa probably just wanna protect their family and will do anything to do so (and thus embrace the 'villain' part that people think of them as)

i dont know if im making sense anymore

now LET ME BE CLEAR i dont like that shen jiu hit his students and shit and was a huge asshole and its not going to suddenly go away. but. its acknowledging what you did wrong, making up for it, but knowing that it'll still stay there. that he still did it even if he deeply regrets it and even if everyone forgives him. because i really dont know in what situation itd be okay to be hit? and also that hopefully hes not that person anymore, but that he wont hide it and will own up to it as a thing he did and shouldnt have done.

anyway i dont know what og cale did besides act like trash but its either the fics im reading are downplaying it or like. thats really it. i have no clue. but still the same thing. if he did some horrible thing, ABOVE.

i just like redemption. and revenge stories. and character growth-ing.

and maybe thats on me for liking villain-ish characters. (im saying villain-ish though because supposedly og cale didnt play a huge part in the book? ....Birth of a Hero...?????? like he just happened, got beat up, and dipped? i think? thats what ive heard anyway. so i dont know if he really counts as one since like uh. white star.????????? ????)

anyway uh thought dump over

feel free to correct me in comments i like learning about things

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 14: I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE

wc: 6054

tags: violence, attempted s/a, smut, angst, drugs

a/n: this chapter might be triggering for some people, read at your own risk.

prev chapter

yaera

i havent been to one of these events since i was fifteen. that doesnt sound like a long time, but considering my sister was still alive then, it certainly felt like forever had passed.

the dress i was given is pretty at least. its black, has long sleeves and looks like it was designed for a sexy vampire. one good thing came out of this shitfest.

but the best part is, i can hide san's drugs within my outfit. im not stashing them in matching black purse because it'll get searched, but the tiny ziplock bags fit perfectly in my sleeves and boob area. this will truly be the riskiest thing ive ever done.

irina and the others even messaged me not to forget the stuff. im so focused on just getting that money the fear i had buried inside me hasnt completely resurfaced yet.

im staring at myself in the mirror, looking at my smokey eye make up. the black hair dye really gave me a morbid yet sexy aesthetic that im not bad about. if i could describe myself in two words, it would be exactly that, morbid and sexy.

the sexy part is what bothers me. i know there are people who would agree all too willingly with that. and its not my target audience.

my room door swings open and my mother walks in. theres a strange look on her face as she takes me in. we say nothing to each other for a few moments till she breaks the silence.

"bellisima," she says, almost under her breath. "we can really never go wrong with santo. he made you look like a princess, even if you look like you are going to a funeral."

my insides squirm at the mention of his name. i tried to ignore it, but the fear i felt in that bathroom is coming back full swing. im seeing him tonight. he'll be waiting for me.

"please don't do this again this year," i stiffly begged. "you need to find someone your own age Santo. I'm...I'm not the one."

santo cocks his head to the side and smirks. "and who told you that? who said you're not perfect for me?"

"i don't fucking want you," I hissed. his eyes widen slightly, more out of sick arousal instead of offense.

he advanced on me and i blinked, finding myself pressed against a stall. i whimpered and tried to wriggle out of his grip, but my arms were pinned to the side. oh my God, I'm going to be sick.

"but I want you, and you know that. so why don't you stop playing games," he whispered dangerously close to my ear. i shivered and my nausea kept tugging at my stomach.

"i'm your only chance at a respectable man. your parents already love me. so why don't you accept the love I have for you? you'll never find anyone like me, tesoro."

"i fucking hope so," i whispered, pinching my eyes closed. he moved his face infront of mine, hovering his lips over mine. I whined and wriggle, but he isn't fazed by my struggling.

"you're a big girl now, right?" he said lowly. "i think it's time you feel like a woman."

i snap out of that awful memory when my mother clicks her fingers infront of my face. "come on, hurry up! we are only waiting on you!"

i cant leave san's side tonight. no matter what.

when i get downstairs, my nearly feel the breath getting knocked out of me. he's standing there, looking more handsome than i've ever seen him. black hair slicked back, eyebrows done. the suit is sitting perfectly. its like he's the model here and not me. god i think im going to be sick.

he gives me a small smile but says nothing.

"doesn't she look perfect, amore mio?" my mother says to my father, who only gives an awkward smile of acknowledgement.

"the two of you can sit at the back of the limo. your mother and i will take the two front seats," my father says, then turns to san with a pointed finger. "dont get any ideas, boy. i know your headmaster personally."

san awkwardly laughs. "i would never, sir."

i try not to wonder how true that is. we pile into the limo and my parents keep looking at us through the rearview, making sure there's a significant gap between us. i look over to him and all the anger i felt before is just gone. i think im fucking whipped.

hes the most beautiful man ive ever seen.

"san..."

"you look really pretty," he tells me before i can say anything. saying that with the most expressionless face makes my face drop.

"oh-"

"i just wanted to say that. you really do."

i dont know what to say. the limo is dim so i dont know if he can see how flushed i feel. he leans forward and i think hes about to kiss me. i hope for it. i dont even care if my parents are nearby.

"where are you hiding the stuff?" he whispers. oh right, his drugs.

i show him my sleeves, how the pills are pressed finely between the folds. then i point to my bust. "others are in here," i say.

he chuckles lowly. "creative. you can give me some if you need more space."

if san gets caught with this my parents would end him. everything he worked to achieve would be gone in less than 2 days.

"i think i should keep it. just in case anything happens. you know, rich girl immunity."

san nods and leans back away from me, making me feel empty. "of course."

no words are exchanged between us for a few moments. so we're really going to pretend like the party didnt happen? did that mean it was never going to happen ever again. i dont want to sound desperate but my head is screeching for answers.

but i focus on what matters tonight. putting on a show. getting irina and the others their drugs and collecting payment. and most of all, escaping santo.

"san, can you do me a favour?" i ask.

he hesitates but nods anyway.

"dont leave my side tonight. please."

he rubs the back of his head nervously. "well, i am your date. and i dont know anyone else here."

god. he doesnt realize how bad i need him.thats the thing, i need him more than he needs me. i can never delete what i have on him. i never know when this will go sideways.

the party is at some hotel. when we get there, i can tell the reception is intimidating to san. the cameras, the flashing lights. the security. i grab his hand and he doesnt protest as we go inside. both of us get patted down by security guards, of course the drugs go undetected.

we go inside and the dinner set up is fancy as fuck. i look at san and i cant tell if hes forcing the coolness to not have a panic attack, but his face is blank. i spot irina and the others at a table and wave, my mother dragging us to a separate table with our name on it.

theres a stage with a massive projection screen, where a slideshow of the lingerie collection plays. i know at some point the pictures from the shoot will play out as well. im hoping to sneak off before then because i cant handle the embarrassment.

"so this is your life huh," san mutters next to me. i frown, his tone sounds disappointed.

"whats wrong?" i ask.

"nothing. just...i cant believe it sometimes."

hes been acting so weird. is he insecure? fuck i.dont even know where to start placing questions. my stomach sinks a little at his tone. i guess he'll never get it. he doesnt understand what im really running from. i doubt he ever will. that class disconnect will keep beating our ass.

to him, anything is better than being in a gang. i guess hes right. but that doesnt mean there arent things out there that would make you want to kill yourself. i would know.

santo walks out on the stage and everyone starts clapping like this is the oscars. "good evening everyone, buenos noches, buonasera, and everything else! welcome to the launch of the new Cosa Pericolosa brand. a brand distinct for its dangerous yet delicate beauty, made of the finest Italian lace and silk. i want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate and enjoy this milestone. there will be dancing and there will be a party, saluto!"

as soon as he gets off that stage, i see his face find my parents table. hes coming straight for us. i instantly grab san's hand under the table. he turns to me utterly confused, but i cant deal with that right now.

"mi famiglia!" santo loudly says and kisses my parents on the cheek. he gets to me and does the same, his kiss lingering on me longer than i wanted. i suppress a shiver. "tesoro, you look beautiful in the dress i picked! im so glad to see everyone here!"

"we could not have done it without you, santo!" my mother gushes. "you look so handsome!"

"ah, you are making me shy. it is really you people who are stealing the show, wait till you see how the pictures turned out!" he laughs obnoxiously, turning to smile at me.

"im so glad you are here, tesoro. it is good to finally have you back. your sister would be proud of you."

"thank you, santo." i force a smile. when really i want to scream. dont fucking bring her up, i want to scream it. but i force a stupid, docile smile. fuck if this night goes on for any longer, i might end up doing these drugs myself.

"hold on, who is this," santo finally acknowledges san. he holds out his hand to him. "i am santo falcone. but you can call me santo, you are?"

"that is yaera's date," my mother chimes in as san awkwardly takes his hand. "san choi. he is a classmate."

"oh," santo's smile tightens and he glances at me. "just a classmate?"

my father forces a laugh. "of course. do you know me? she can meet someone when it is time to get married."

santo grips san's hand for an uncomfortable amount of time till he ends up needing to rip it away. "nice to meet you, san choi. excuse me, i will return to you all. i have to greet the other guests and then have them run the music. you all enjoy the night."

he leaves, giving me a weird look before going. is he fucking jealous? does he seriously think he owns me? i dont know how my sister worked with him. hes so fucking creepy and somehow that never came up between us.

irina and the others arrive at our table next, greeting my parents with hugs and kisses. "can we steal yaera for a second? she looks so gorgeous!" claire says, gushing.

"no really, i want to rip that dress off you!" anya says. my mother rolls her eyes and laughs.

"please girls, bring her back in one piece for the show." my mother says. a smirk i know to be devious grows on irina's lips.

"oh we will, dont worry, mrs marino."

im so happy to get up from that table. san grabs my dress and looks up like a lost kid. "where are you going? dont leave me by myself here," he says under his breath.

awww hes so awkward. "ill be right back. dont miss me too much."

his eyes are desperate and his smile is so forced its hilarious. "youre really going to leave me with your parents?"

"dont worry she'll be back!" anya tells him, noticing him holding my dress. "your boyfriend is so clingy, yaera."

i can tell san is trying not to murder her with his glare. not more can be said because im whisked away. we end up in the bathrooms that look like something out of the louvre. anya and claire start taking mirror selfies while irina starts putting the money down on the sink.

"all of it is here, you can count it yourself. now where are the stuff?" she says. i start unrolling my sleeves, taking four of the bags out, getting the other five from my boobs.

anya and claire quickly come scrambling. "oh god, finally!" claire says. "we've been waiting so long."

"is it really that good?" i wonder, their relief is crazy to see. "better than what you already do?"

"alone its okay. but together with what we already do? a fucking trip to the skies," irina shakes her head with a smile. "ive never been so glad to know you, marino."

mixing drugs. that doesnt sound smart. but what do i know? im not the addict.

i smile and take the money, folding it back into my boobs. "youre welcome. and you know if you need more, where to call me."

"of course. and you better answer."

"your boyfriend is so fucking hot yaera," anya says with a sigh. "hes literally gorgeous. where did you find him?"

"careful, you cougar. you cant be talking about an 18 year old like that," i joke.

"im not even twenty three shut the fuck up!" she shoves at my shoulder.

"so he is your boyfriend?" claire smiles. the three of them coo like children when i start blushing.

"im getting there guys," i say. "hopefully soon."

"what do his parents do? he looks like a model himself." claire says.

"you know this is yaera, hes probably crazy as fuck. like the last one, what was his name?" irina chimes in with a snort. "i bet this one is the reason she has drugs in the first place."

i scowl at her. shes right but i hate that she read me so easily. "bitch, just enjoy my services. goddamn it you people are nosy."

she raises an eyebrow. "am i right though?"

i roll my eyes and start to leave, saluting on my way out. "im getting back now to my date now, goodbye ladies."

luckily when i get out, theres music playing and people are on the floor. san is sitting alone by the table, taking random sips out of a champagne glass. im so excited. i actually got money back for us. i throw my hands onto his shoulders and smile widely, unable to hold my excitement.

"so guess who collected their first payment?"

san's eyes widen. "all the money there?"

"every last note. so i think to celebrate we should dance."

san frowns and cringes. "i dont dance. im fine here."

i roll my eyes and grab his hand, pulling him up with a hard tug. "is it a sin for you to do ANYTHING fun? the music is playing and we have something to celebrate, come on."

he sighs and gives in with a lame smile. "fine."

i lead him to the dancefloor, swinging my arms around his neck. san's hands drop to my lowerback as we sway and i cant ignore the happiness bubbling in my brain. i cant stop smiling.

"you seem really happy," he notes. "you're getting a big head from your first payment huh?"

"of course. its just what i needed to prove myself to you. that i can pull my weight and that im not just some liability."

"i never said that-"

"yes you did san. many times." i remind him, and his cheeks flush from.embarrassment. "i can even quote you on it if you want?"

"please dont," he chuckles under his breath. "fine, i guess you can pull your weight."

his dimples are piercing through. i stare at him mesmerized and i cant even hide it. i bet if i was a cartoon in this very moment, i'd be having stars in my eyes.

"you're perfect, you know that?" i say without thinking.

san's eyes widen, then darken in seconds. "what?" his voice is just barely together.

"i want to kiss you again," i admit. "i think its all i'll want for a really long time."

i lightly stroke his cheeks, seeing them go rosey. this is all i have. the only thing that shows me that i do affect him.

his eyes dart down to my lips and i shrink the distance between us, till we're just barely a centimeter apart.

"i dont want you to think about it," i tell him. "just do whatever you want in the moment. thats all that matters."

"yaera..." he gulps, then takes a step back. "i-i dont know about this. lets just...this isnt good. for either of us."

"says who?" i scoff.

"says me. you and i should just stay business partners. strictly business. anything else wont end well for either of us."

hearing that makes my heart shatter and my stomach drop. fuck i can feel my eyes filling with water. i try to choke.it down but i know its obvious.

"so you're just gonna.pretend we never kissed at that party?" i lay down my arms from his neck. "youre just going to pretend that never happened?"

san stops dancing and gives me a curt nod. "i think its best we do. we both know i just represent something to you. something forbidden. thats why you want me right? because im someone you cant have."

i laugh bitterly. "i cant fucking believe you."

i feel a tear drop. san sees it and frowns. "yaera wait-"

i swat his hands away from me. "you are such a fucking dick."

i get off the dancefloor and run somewhere. i dont know where. im just walking, looking for a place to break down and sob. god this is so embarrassing. im so fucking pathetic.

i stop infront of a random room and twist the door handle. its unlocked, thank god. i go inside and fall onto the bed, my chest instantly getting wrecked. i start sobbing horrifically, unable to believe how awful i feel right now.

whats wrong with me. what is legitimately wrong with me. why was he so cold? am i not pretty enough for him or something? this cant just be about the business. i refuse to believe it. and even if it is, why do i feel so worthless?

everytime jongho has rejected me and made me feel like nothing but a stupid slut flashes infront of me. the feeling stabs me like a knife.

that must be it. thats probably what he sees me as. a stupid, desperate evil slut. all i do is throw myself at him. even at that party, i couldnt wait to be all over him. im pathetic. and desperate. i should just die.

my gloves are soaked. i cant believe how much im crying. maybe i should go back to therapy. maybe i wasnt coping as well as i thought i was.

i look up into the mirror stand, seeing my make up absolutely ruined. my entire face is red, and my hair is sticking to my soaked cheeks. i look like shit.

suddenly i remember why i stayed away from men in the first place. because im too fucking sensitive. my mood depends on them. my self worth is a reflection of how much they like me. they control whether i feel emotional highs and emotional lows.

i start laughing at myself. i cant believe i got myself into this kind of fuckery again.

the door opens suddenly, making me jolt. santo comes in and closes the door behind him, smiling tightly. i jerk up and start stumbling back, backing myself into a wall to be far away from him.

"what are you doing here?" i ask, my voice shaking.

"i saw you dancing with that...child," he slowly laughs, his tone sounding bitter. "you have no business being with someone like him, tesoro."

"santo-"

"do you know how fucking sick i felt?" he snaps, stalking like a dangerous animal. "seeing you with him? while you wear the dress i picked out for you?"

being alone was a mistake. i try to dart for the door but he grabs me and picks me up, covering my mouth with his hand. he throws me onto the bed, forcing his bodyweight on top of me. im frozen, i cant move. every karate class ive taken, all my knowledge on hurting someone just vanishes. hes on top of me and i cant move.

im sobbing again. he presses his finger to my lip, hushing me.

"i should be the only one who takes this dress off you tonight," he whispers. he starts lowering the top, leaving the top of my chest exposed. "dont cry, tesoro, you'll feel so much better after. ive been waiting for this for so long..."

"no please, santo," i beg through my tears. "please just leave me alone. please just-"

theres a few knocks on the door. "yaera, is that you? can i come in?"

that's san's voice. santo clamps his palm over my lips again and i scream.through them. its muffled. i start struggling and kicking but he wont get off me. he forces his hand harder. "fucking stop," he growls at me.

the door swings open anyway. san barges in and santo quickly jumps off me, suddenly on the other side of the room. san looks between us, frozen in his feet.

"what, did anyone say you could fucking come in?" santo screams. san stays staring between us, his face absolutely blank. santo scoffs and adjusts his suit jacket before storming out and slamming the door.

i sit up on the bed, looking at san through blurry eyes. i cant even find my voice. i cant even deal with what just happened.

"did he try..." san trails off, shaking his head at me. he rushes to sit down next to me. i cant help it, as soon as he wraps his arms around me i start bawling again.

"i cant fucking breathe. san please i just want to get away from here. please can we just leave."

he softly rubs the side of my head as he holds my face in his chest. "lets go. we'll go away from here. far away from.here. anywhere."

***

san

i dont even know where to start.

yaera and i ordered an uber from the hotel, disappearing with the permission of her father, saying she felt sick and she needed to go home. they werent happy but yaera's distraught face convinced them. they have no idea what the fuck happened tonight. they were sitting with that same guy that night.

hell, i dont even know what happened. but i could put two and two together.

yaera and i havent said a word to each other. shes passed out on my chest all the way to my apartment. i have to carry her on the way in. i have to put her down on her feet when its time to go into my apartment, and she hangs on my arm the entire time.

"you sure you fine with this?" i ask her. she nods wordlessly.

i let her inside, and she makes her way to my bed where she falls hopelessly. i go and sit down beside her, not knowing what to say. i dont know any words that can fix what happened tonight.

i know so much about her, but tonight...it made me realize i know nothing.

"this isnt the first time it happened," she says, her voice low and defeated. "the first time he did it...i was fifteen. he touched the inside of my thigh in a dressing room and kept trying it till i never went back. i never told my parents...or my sister."

i dont say anything. i let her speak.

"he told me he would never let me go. that he was in love with me. he tried so many times. at my own house. and everytime i would end up in the hospital...my parents would blame me. they would say that i was acting out. i didnt know how to tell them. they treated santo better me and my sister. hes a saint to them."

i feel my head heating up. a rich prick predator piece of shit. he deserves to disappear. he deserves to fucking rot.

i bet miss A could make a bastard like him disappear really quickly.

i take her hand and gently rub my thumb over her knuckles. i feel terrible. the only reason he was able to follow her was because of me.

"so thats why you asked me to not leave your side," i realized. "so you wouldnt be alone with him."

"he gets jealous of every man who comes near me," yaera's tears leak onto my pillow. "i thought if he saw you...he would really leave me alone this time. but it just...it made him more aggressive. he tried to..."

i pull her up and bring her into another hug, gripping her tightly. it felt like if i let her go that i'd never hold her again. that feeling terrifies me. i hate it so much.

"i'll never let him hurt you again," i swear. "i'll fucking kill him. just say the word and i will."

"i want him off my skin, san," she tells me pleadingly. "i dont want to feel him ever again. i want to scratch my skin off and be clean. i want to feel clean again."

"you arent dirty, yaera. hes the fucking filthy one for putting his hands on you," i hold her face in my hands. shes delicate, like porcelain. her eyes, that are usually so menacing and careless are filled with sadness. "youre perfect. you dont deserve that, dont for a second blame yourself. you're perfect, do you hear me?"

"if im so perfect then why dont you want me?" she whimpers. my blood runs cold. fuck how can she hit me with such a heavy loaded question.

theres no point in lying anymore. this is the last situation where i can lie.

"im scared," i admit. "im scared of you. and this. and everything. ive never had something like this, ive never had someone this close to me. i dont know how to handle it. ive been alone for so long i dont know how to let anyone be near me. i never let myself have anything. i always let go."

"please let me be there," she whispers in a tone i cant refuse. "please dont let me go. let yourself have this. let yourself have me."

my chest hurts. this night isnt going at all how i thought it would. its too much. i dont know what to say to yaera. i find my eyes feeling heavy. she takes my face in her hands again and i know she wants to kiss me. fuck it, this is the worst time. but at this point, there isnt ever a right time.

i go in for it and kiss her first. her lips are soft and velvety, and she melts against mine instantly. we start to lose our softness, with yaera pulling me closer and closer. its like she wants to take all the oxygen out of me. her kiss is hard, like a cry for help, like im all the air she'll ever need.

she breaks the kiss and drags her lips down my neck, making me shudder. yaera makes her way onto my lap and i dont fight it, her legs wrapping around me tightly as her dress rides up her thighs.

the kisses turn hot and i feel my brain losing sense. this wont end here, i know it. i want to stop it. i drag my willpower from the floor to break our kiss and she stares at me, frowning with swollen lips.

"is this really a good time?" i ask seriously. "you're really emotionally vulnerable right now. after what happened tonight, do you really think-"

"san," she interrupts me, pressing another kiss to my lips. "my life has been one big emotional fucked up moment, i want to forget. i want to have this, im so fucking dead inside. i want to feel alive again."

she stops showering me with warm pecks and looks me dead in the eye. "will you give me that?"

i hold her face again. my chest feels warm thinking about how no one sees her like this. her pain. but she trusts me enough. she lets me see it.

"i'll give you whatever you want tonight. i promise."

those words were all she needed. yaera slides her hands over my chest, pushing the suit jacket off. her hands move fast, flicking open every button till my chest is bare.

she presses her lips to mine again, her fingers tugging at my hair. i moan at the pull, surprising myself and her. she breaks the kiss and smiles down at me.

"i could get used to that sound," she teases. something stirs in me. she's so hot.

i move my hands to the back of her dress, finding the zipper. i dont break eye contact, and her smile only grows as the dress starts falling apart on her.

i slowly drag my lips down her neck, and she lets out a shiver. i fight my smile and continue to leave hot, soft kisses down her shoulder, moving down to her barely hidden cleavage. yaera harshly pulls the dress down, having rolls of money fall out and exposing her chest.

***

yaera

san stares at me after my boobs stare at him. there's a dazed look in his eyes that disappears once he lowers his mouth onto my one boob and grabs a hand full of the other.

i throw my head back, lost in a cloud after feeling his warm mouth. he starts sucking and massaging, rolling circles over my nipple. this is heaven. or something close to it definetely.

i feel my thighs tightening, warmth seeping down from my lower stomach. i try to stifle my moans, my mouth just barely gasping. he looks up at me, pausing on his motion. "you dont have to hold back. i told you i'll give you anything you want tonight," he whispers.

i hold his face with both my hands, feeling like i could cum from just staring into his eyes. "i only want you," i admit direly. i'll take anything he gives me. "but rubbing on you would be nice too."

he leans back, making me yearn. "okay, open wider."

hearing those words just makes me hotter. i get up from his lap and completely remove my dress, both of us just ignoring all the money on the floor. san's eyes hang on my every movement. im in nothing but black lace, and i dont waste time in throwing myself on his lap again, legs parted and ready.

he brings his lips to mine again, both softly and yet completely taking them as his own. his hand slips between my thighs, slowly trailing up like hes carressing fragile ceramics. i shiver as he gets closer to me, his hand finally slipping onto the base of me. he drags his thumb down my clothed folds, wrapping his arm around my waist to pull me closer.

i try to focus on kissing him, dragging my teeth down to his neck. i lose myself when he starts rubbing me with both fingers, feeling that jolt of warmth coursing through me.

my mouth is parted as my face is buried in his neck, pathetic whimpers pumping out of me. san starts going in circles, right in the perfect spot. i do myself the favour and move the fabric to the side, his warm fingers completely melting inside me as he pumps them in and out.

i know im doomed when i hear myself squelching. his rhythm is perfect, not too slow and not too fast, just enough for me to completely feel him and fade cloudily. i feel my high coming, my thighs starting to tense and my grip on him tightening. i start to kiss him frantically, till san keeps pushing his fingers faster. i feel like a hot coil, going and going till before i know it, im dripping all over his fingers.

i collapse onto his lap and he slowly drags them out, and i hear him prop them into mouth. i look at him with an accomplished smile on my face, shaking my head.

"you sick fuck, did you just taste me?"

san shrugs with a small smile on his face. "yeah, can you blame me?"

i cant contain myself, i kiss him again. i dont even feel close to done. "let me do something for you now?" i say against his lips.

"mmm mmm," san shakes his head, gently gripping my waist. "i just want you to feel good. do you?"

i nod. "i feel better than ever. but really, you dont want anything?"

he lets out a heavy sigh. "i didnt want to tell you this, but you feeling things makes me...feel things."

oh he just became ten times hotter.

i realize it now, while sitting so close to him, i can feel his massive boner poking me through his pants. i smirk to myself, getting an idea.

"oh no, you have that look on your face again," san mutters, moving my hair back. "what are you thinking?"

"readjust your friend. so i can sit on him."

san goes quiet, but i can feel him pulsing underneath me. its sensation is sending me into fucking heat all over again.

"i dont think we should go too far," he says. "dont get me wrong, i want to. i really do. but i dont think you're feeling hundred percent...after everything."

my smirk drops. i dont want to think of him. not right now. not while i have san's hands all over me. but i guess its not a good look if i do just jump his bones after everything that happened.

he holds my face in his hands and squeezes after i say nothing. "and dont think its because you're not pretty or anything. seriously, i dont know why you would even say that."

i shrug. my black and white state of thinking has never really helped me.

san picks up a pillow up and tosses it against the wall. "come on, lets fall asleep. we can talk again in the morning."

"okay," i mutter. i dont know what else to say. i get off him and and crawl into his bed. san follows after, his hot skin completely blanketing me as he puts his arm over my body and draws me against him.

"are you gonna act like nothing happened tomorrow again?" i ask.

silence.

"no. stop worrying."

his curt words dont register in my brain, because he places a warm kiss on my shoulder. it doesnt take me long to completely drift to sleep.

***

wooyoung

wooyoung knows he fucked up. he knows its all fucked up, he just doesnt know when he's going to tell san about it.

miss A is looking at him with cold eyes, he cant even utter a word because of the fear inside him. seonghwa is sprawled out on a broken couch, horrific burns all over him. hes barely alive, but he had it in him enough to tell everyone about what went down at the warehouse.

"changbin is dead, you know this right?" miss A tells him.

"yes, ma'am," he utters pathetically.

"so you know what you and lucky have to do."

he knows he cant stay a bitch in this gang for long. he knows its going to get real. petty stuff is all wooyoung is used to. extortion, scamming people. when he watched yunho die, a fear he thought was so far away just flashed infront of his eyes. he knew he'd come to be on the other end someday.

"you find that man...and you bring me his hand. or else, i'll have yours."

***

A/N: pls this chapter was a mess im sorry and it took forever to write , the next will be better 😭😭😭😭

NEXT CHAPTER

tagslist: @yujispinkhair @brown88 @sansonlygf

[kaisfoxhoard]

artwork by me

i wanted to make my first post something cool but all i came up with was this rant about the social media platform i called my home for 6 years.

**a rant**

im finding dark patterns on instagram that dont appeal to me and that i cant support. the entire platform is geared towards shortform content and keeping you on the platform for as long as possible. thus the platform drives away small artists and does not give them a chance to grow

1. dark patterns consist of things such as: updating the app and making small changes that nobody asked for, removing the ability to see every post under a hashtag, and reels taking you down unintentional rabbit holes.

ive always been annoyed by recommended reels on your home page taking you off of your home page and sending you into the reels page. i am in belief that your home page should be a static area that is full of things you’d expect to see there such as posts from people you follow. when a reel takes you out of your home page, its very intrusive and i often find myself getting lost down this rabbit hole for 30 minutes and feeling annoyed after realizing what had happened.

when i recently found out that you cant view recent posts under a hashtag, i was absolutely pissed. its a direct attack against small artists and people who want to look for commissions of maybe an artist with a not-so-popular style. or even cheap coms. if i cant find these smaller artists and support them, how can we expect a community to grow and prosper. how can i expect to grow from a hashtag directly. at that point why even bother with putting a hashtag.

2.with the rise of short form content, artists have had to find new ways to gain reach from their posts. naturally, art in of itself doesnt have great video content, as its a picture. while one could argue this creates competitive creativity and drives someone to think outside the box, it ultimately harms and deters new artists from giving it a go, because it requires more time devoted to the entertaining part of the content than the actual artwork being created. most short form content is designed to generate a quick laugh and maybe a like and follow. when artists cant do that, because they want a specific aesthetic to their art, lack of interaction between community and artist may drive their passion dry.

with the fact that instagram is now more geared towards short videos and not photos like it once used to be, the chances of success as an artist is becoming scarce. theres a loss of close knit community that was once present.

thats what i hope to achieve here. i want to bring back that community feeling that we all once felt. i dont make art all too often anymore because instagram has killed my desire to make and create. i want to see awesome art. thats about it. when i create stuff i want atleast a little bit of attention. i dont want to feel like something i spent hours of my time making, flopped.

if ur still reading this…. thanks

i hope its made you realize that, wow. we all waste so much time on reels, and tiktoks too. to me, the short form content just doesnt sit well with me. i want to be enthralled in whatever im engaged with. lets make a cool community together! thankyou artists!

[bewitchingfanfiction]

Homestuck Fic (2020/1/10)

KARKAT: DAVE. WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING SERIOUS.

DAVE: dude i swear the tentacles dont bother me

KARKAT: WHAT? HOLY FUCK NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

DAVE: oh

DAVE: shit did you find out about my stash

KARKAT: YOUR WHAT?

DAVE: ...

DAVE: why dont you just talk and ill shut the fuck up

KARKAT: GOOD PLAN. WE SHOULD DO IT MORE OFTEN. ANYWAYS YOU, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SIT DOWN.

DAVE: this must be pretty big

DAVE: alright lay it on me

KARKAT: KANAYA AND I...HAD A MOMENT.

DAVE: ...

DAVE: what kind of moment

KARKAT: I WAS UPSET BECAUSE OF A MOVIE I WAS WATCHING WHEN SHE CAME OVER TO BORROW A NOVEL I PROMISED SHE COULD LOOK AT. I STARTED CRYING BECAUSE OF COURSE I DID, IT WAS FUCKING TITANIC HOW DO YOU NOT CRY? STRIDER STOP LAUGHING SHUT THE FUCK UP.

DAVE: sorry

KARKAT: ANYWAYS SHE SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME WHILE I WAS CRYING AND...AND...

DAVE: ...

KARKAT: SHE...SHOOSH PAPPED ME.

DAVE: uh what

DAVE: you mean she caressed your face

KARKAT: NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. THIS IS SHOOSH PAPPING 

DAVE: ow what the fuck

DAVE: why did you hit me

KARKAT: RIGHT HUMANS ARE DELICATE AND FRAGILE AS SHIT, SORRY. BUT THAT'S WHAT MOIRAILS DO TO COMFORT EACH OTHER.

DAVE: ooohhhh this is a moirail thing

KARKAT: YES DAVE. IT'S A 'MOIRAIL THING' BUT I SWEAR NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED WE WERE BOTH HORRIFIED AFTERWARDS WHEN WE REALIZED WHAT WE DID. I'M SO SORRY DAVE IT MEANT NOTHING TO ME.

DAVE: dude

DAVE: you look ready to start hyperventilating 

DAVE: calm the fuck down

KARKAT: ...YOU'RE NOT MAD?

DAVE: fuck no 

DAVE: dude your moirail shit is basically just friendship to me

DAVE: i know theres more to it for you guys than that but like

DAVE: it doesnt make a difference for me

DAVE: but i get that youre like super freaked out about this so uh...

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: ...

KARKAT: DID YOU JUST...SHOOSH PAP ME?

DAVE: fuck did i do it wrong

DAVE: shit

KARKAT: NO YOU DID IT RIGHT BUT...

KARKAT: WE'RE MATESPRITS. THIS IS MOIRAIL TERRITORY. ARE YOU FLIPPING QUADRANTS ON ME AGAIN?

DAVE: what do you mean again we arent doing the quadrant thing man

DAVE: were human dating

DAVE: arent we

KARKAT: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE. WE NEVER REALLY PUT ANY LABELS ON OUR RELATIONSHIP. HUMAN DATING HUH? WHAT DOES THAT ENTAIL?

DAVE: its basically all the quadrants at once i guess

DAVE: like sometimes you piss me off but other times i just want to cuddle with you till we die

DAVE: and if youre fighting with someone i wanna be the one to calm you down

DAVE: but ill still want to fuck you later

KARKAT: !!!

DAVE: holy shit i did not just say that

DAVE: okay lets pretend i didnt say that one

DAVE: kind of like how i pretend i didnt once call roxy mommy

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: wow thats another thing i just said that you never needed to know

DAVE: like thats pretty much number one on my long list of stuff to never tell anyone

DAVE: right behind that is probably when i commented on her ass

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: okay yeah i should shut up like the words spewing out of my mouth should just come to a fucking halt right now 

KARKAT: DAVE.

DAVE: youre probably very disturbed which one did it

DAVE: which dumb comment is finally gonna make you leave me

DAVE: it was the ass one wasnt it

DAVE: i bet it was

KARKAT: DAVE. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

DAVE: k

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: ...

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: ...

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: just to be clear im not into my sort of mom

KARKAT: DAVE.

DAVE: sorry

KARKAT: LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT INTO ROXY. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER HOW WE GOT ON THE TOPIC OF HER ACTUALLY. JUST...ARE WE OKAY?

DAVE: what

DAVE: yeah

KARKAT: OKAY GOOD. I KNOW PALE STUFF DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE TO A HUMAN BUT...IT STILL FELT LIKE I WAS CHEATING ON YOU. SO I'M STILL SORRY.

DAVE: its cool man chill

DAVE: besides youre not breaking up with me

DAVE: right

KARKAT: OF COURSE NOT. HELL NO. THAT'S THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO. 

DAVE: ...cool

KARKAT: HA, YOU'RE BLUSHING, THAT'S ADORABLE.

DAVE: shut the fuck up i am not

KARKAT: YOUR SHADES CAN'T HIDE YOUR WHOLE FACE STRIDER. YOU'RE SO RED I'D THINK YOU WERE SICK.

DAVE: maybe i am sick

DAVE: maybe youve given me some sort of illness that cant ever be cured and well have to live out one of those dramatic scenes from those movies where the girl is laying in the hospital bed dying while the guy declares his undying love for her only our version will be a lot better and a lot gayer which is what makes it better

KARKAT: FUCK THAT. I'M TURNING OFF OUR MOVIE BEFORE WE GET TO THAT POINT THEN. 

DAVE: you cant press pause the remote is broken you gotta see it through

KARKAT: THEN LIKE THOSE SHITTY YET SOMEHOW MAGICAL DISNEY FILMS YOU MADE ME WATCH, I'LL USE THE POWER OF BULLSHIT AND LOVE TO BRING YOU BACK TO LIFE.

DAVE: haha oh really?

DAVE: you know that kind of magic usually requires a kiss

Karkat: HEHE. PREPARED TO BE CURED THEN, STRIDER.

KARKAT: <3

DAVE: <3 

[tea-with--honey]

The Ted Lasso Finale has left me EMPTY. like man I knew they were gonna be kind of realistic about and it stuff but a lot of it just didnt feel like an ending to me? Do I think its probably what would happen if the show was completely realistic? Yes. Do I think it made ANY sense narratively? NO.

Like I'm actually very happy about what they've done with Roy and Colin and maybe maybe maybe Nate but thats it. Nate on paper worked okay for me but I just felt like he didnt have his big moment? That could have been intentional though.

I may ship Tedbecca/Tedpendent but I would have been fine without it if they didnt??? Do them so dirty like that???? Like they did NOT need to tease us like that throughout the entire episode that was just plain mean. Like hello????? the scene in Rebecca's house?? The 'you go, I go?' Ted actually saying that Rebecca pulled a rom-com moment on him? Hell Rebecca getting a first-class seat and Coach Beard leaving the seat next to Ted open? Its like they loaded MULTIPLE Chekov's guns that didnt fire. i would have been fine okay and THEN they pulled up with Boat guy coming back. What. Even. I hated that so bad.

And guys Trent not even getting a moment to really say goodbye to the man who he got fired over was so??? AHHAHSHSJDDGSB

AND IM MAD ABOUT COACH BEARD AND JANE. Especially after so many scenes that indicated that the better choice for Beard was to break it off. And also jane was just, incredibly toxic.

Also I would have hoped that they spent a better part of the season establishing that Ted needed to go home? Idk it just felt like I was waiting for Ted to reveal that he stayed in London the entire time. Henry is obviously a very important part of his life but we didnt even get to see Ted being fulfilled and being there for the reason he went back home in the first place!!! At least give us some scenes where Ted doesnt look like hes about to have another panic attack back in Kansas and he's actually spending time with his little boy.

Okay im just gonna put all the other things that bothered me in a list because im sleepy but I gotta get this all out

The way we have 0 idea what rebecca found out from the doctor

The green matchbox thingy not being addressed

The lack of Bex and the Rupert's ex assistant girlie in the episode. I know them going into Rebecca's house served as a plot point but I wish we still got to see them yknow

Not getting to see Sam's restaurant again

We literally dont even get to hear what Trent wrote in 'The Lasso/Richmond Way' I had hoped there would be at least a reading of it played over some 'future' scenes

Also that Ted looks so unhappy at the end and he just as always steps aside. WHERE DID HIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT GO

Also how OOC Ted seemed this episode, I thought they were setting up him revealing to be just really upset hence the behavior but nope nothing nada

Lack of Jade

Doctor Sharon's reaction scenes feeling shoehorned in

While I do love her getting her own official position in the team I wish they just saved showing her character for that scene specifically. Idk the rest of her cheering scenes just didnt really add much

the lack of discussion on mr awful therapist

Ted seemingly still living in the same house as his ex wife who is currently dating his ex marriage counselor

Theres more I just cant think about it anymore

Anyways they did the Diamond Dogs and the Sound of Music routine so right but thats really it for me. Would love to rant about the ending with anybody so DMs are always open

[aleksanderthemesschild]

drunz

punz who walked into the cafe late at night, on his way to sapnaps flat, just wanting to get a strawberry refresher before coming over. He didnt mean to be the asshole customer who comes in 5 minutes before closing, it happened on accident. At first, he didnt even see xav, wondering further into the cafe to search for any employee. "Give me a sec! I'll be right with you!" He finally noticed xav, who was wiping the tables down, getting rid of the sticky stuff that would've dried in the night if he didnt. "Is noah not here?" "Nope. He went home earlier, he still needed to study for his international study exam with his brother." International study, code word for hand to hand combat practice. XD and foolish are so gonna rip eachother apart today, punz is just a tad bit sad that he doesnt get to see the epic fight the two usually have. "Oh yeah right, he told me about that." Xav finally walked over to the counter, making punzs usual order, the other having come over long enough that he remembers. "Don't you need to study for it aswell?" "Huh?" "I thought you both study political science?" "Oh no, no I study liberal arts" dream looked as if he had a loading bar infront of his face. "I thought you study social study?" "Oh no, nick does, noah just keeps thinking we study the same thing, dumb habit he has." Xav just made a humming noise. "Did you study something?" Punz could not explain he sudden urge to talk to Xavier about school, but he wanted to know more about him. "Hmm? No, I was too young. I got into pandoras with 17, I dont even have a high school finish. If I didnt end up in pandoras, I'd probably would've just gone into social studies or computer science, those two seemed to be the two choices I can remember." Punz just nodded as xav handed him his drink and punz handed him the money. "... you really dont remember alot, do you?" "Nope. Most of it was wiped out, especially the younger years. Maybe not all of it, I'm starting to regain most of my memories, but I cant say which memory is connected to what thing. Except the days I got cought in pandoras web, I can remember those clearly, the betrayal yknow,  I just cant remember the faces." "Do you think you'll remember your name?" "I think I do. Or atleast a nickname. Dream. Theres two people, they seemed to call me dream all the time, instead of whatever my actual name is. Which is honestly such a dumb name. DrEaM." They both just laughed, as dream cleaned up the counter, starting a drink for himself while at it. "I mean, it fits." "Yeah?" "Yeah, I'd say you're pretty dreamy." "Oh cmon now." "Maybe even the guy of my dreams." Xav just laughed at that, shaking his head at punzs dumbassery. "Do you like the name?" "Dream?" "Yeah" xav thought about it for a minute. "I think so? It's a funny nick name, I'd use it again, it doenst bother me. What bothers me is that I dont know my actual name. It's not xavier. It's more like I called someone else Xavier rather that I was called Xavier. But I dont knwo. Its confusing." "... do you want me to call you dream till you remember your name?" Dream looked at punz, holding the cup of coffee in his hand now. With a bit of hesitation, dream nodded. "Okay dream." Dream just smiled at him. "Wanna sit down? I can close the cafe whenever, we can sit at the table and talk rather than stand awkwardly." Punz nodded, completely forgetting about george and sapnap as he sat and listened to dream, as they asked eachother stuff from their life, told silly facts. Quickly 5 minutes turned into 20, and 20 turned into 60, and an hour turned into 2 hours. But they didnt bother. They talked, drema got them more drinks. They talked until punz couldnt ignore his phone anymore and dream seemed at the verge of sleep as punz told him about butterflies. They bid goodbye as drema finally closed the cafe and punz walked to sapnaps flat, trying to think of a lie he can tell the others as to why he is late. In the end, he just tells them that he got distracted by the gentle green eyes and the charming white smile of dream, the teasing of the two not bothering him as much s they thought it would

[2qts]

Here we go again

[swordancer7]

⚠️⚠️SDR2 SPOILERS⚠️⚠️

How I would have done a blackened Sonia

All right, so, I never thought Sonia was going to survive till the end of the game. She seemed suspicious to me in every trial and I felt she always had possible ways of killing the victim that were less far fetched then some of the actual killers.

She also seemed easy to kill, she is a princess with 0 real world experience so fooling her into being in dangerous situations would be easy. Being a foreigner as well, means you could get away with some bullshit saying it was just cultural difference.

I know Kazuichi is the easy route, but I think it would be interesting if she killed him.

I'm thinking specially about chapter 4, where she would have been the killer instead of Gundham. In part because when I played I thought that Gundham is was dumb to make an elaborate kill like Nekomaru's. However, I would make Gundham the most suspect person in this one case.

Since he and Sonia spent a long time together that chapter for the first time, it makes a quick correlation between him, her and Kazuichi.

The circumstances of Kazuichi's death would be:

-He is found dead stabbed on the chest, laying in his own bed;

-He is found with strange blood splatters in his suit. His arm is close to his body, but the blood splatters in his sleeve and chest form a big and unusual angle.

-his knees are pointing to the wall, close to the end of the bed, but the knife is in his chest, so if the person was sat in the bed they would have had to reach around him to kill him, or he really was stabbed while laying on his back.

In my version, I'd add more scenes to the chapter: one of some of the students playing with Gundham's hamsters, probably Hajime, someone from strawberry house and Kazuichi himself, adding a new clue:

-He has white, grey and brown fur on his hand/sleeve.

The other scene would be very minor, Kazuichi would go explore the Straeberry house together (as usual the victim spends more time with the protagonist before their death). Kazuichi and Hajime have a very awkward time since Kazuichi is clearly so suspicious of Hinata since the last trial. They never solve this weird tension and it keeps bugging Hinata after the trial because he knows Kazuichi wanted to believe him because of the talk they had during exploring the house.

During the exploration of the strawberry house/grape house there is a throw away line mentioning that Kazuichi paints his nails very poorly. Which leads me to the new clue about the body:

-Kazuichi's nails are perfectly painted black.

Someone beside's Nagito still has used the final room and someone notes that one of Kazuichi's tools is missing from his toolbox, that Kazuichi has mentioned to Hajime that he is proud to still complete (he is clumsy, he loses stuff sometimes). The elevator is broken in the grape house.

Now to the trial:

Sonia is one of the very first accused, but is quickly considered innocent since she wasnt part of the playing with the 4 devas of destruction scene. She even assumes she isnt as sad as she would be for his death like he was from previous victims, but that is shrugged off since he did bother her a lot and she was never seen being mean to him.

As I said, Gundham is suspect n°1. The fur in Kazuichi's hand/ sleeve is the collor of the 4 devas of destruction, though the other person in the scene and Hajime are also framed and considered suspects (mainly Hajme, since he also searched the houses with Kazuichi).

Out of the ones left, who else wears black nail polish? Gundham of course. Someone reveals that they did see Gundham entering his room, but all the other floors of the house where occupied and no one saw him in them beforehand.

I already told you Sonia is guilty, and I think part of the reason they move away from her so soon would be that often the game comes up with weird complicated tangents that distract from the real case, but the cases are often stupidly complicated as well, so this would get the player off their rithym by actually being one of the easiest things to explain.

"The elevator was stuck in grape house, but he died in strawberry house. The murdered probably made it stop on grape house as a red herring!" How did he do that? Idk, but they assume that's it and latter have to return and remember theres no proof of a way someone in strawberry house could make the elevator stop at grape house.

"Sonia wasnt playing with the hamsters, the fur in Kazuichi's sleeve was probably from that moment" Sonia didnt play with the dark devas, but that doesnt mean she couldn't have done it in another moment, when she was hanging out with Gundham.

"How would have Gundham gotten inside Kazuichi's room?" First conclusion is that he offered to paint Souda's nails as a excuse to get in his room.

And heres the thing: he was indeed the one who painted Kazuichi's nails, it even happened in Kazuichi's room. The someone who saw him enters his room did actually see him coming back from Kazuichi's room, but at that moment Kazuichi was still alive.

What happened was: Sonia went to Kazuichi's room after Gundham left, because she knew Gundham was going there, he mentioned it to her when they explored the houses together.

She gets in the room and plays a little with Kazuichi, pretends to be interested, gives him some affection and he ends up laying on her lap, which makes things easy when she finally stabs him.

Theres 2 ways you could play this out, the Souda x Gundham way and the non shipy way.

So if you are not interest in the shiping side, heres how I would do it: Gundham doesnt like seeing people fight, it's part of his nurturing nature, he offers to paint Kazuichi's nails as a peace offering and to explain he isnt romantically interested in Sonia, as well as to ask him to not doubt Hinata either, since he can sense (as in: knows by his body lenguage) that Hajime doesnt plan on hurting anyone, much less Kazuichi who he considers a friend.

Sonia did approach Gundham for an interest in his obscure aesthetic and the thing about raising animals that is important for courtship rituals in her country, that she mentions in her free time event. But when Gundham tells her he wants to talk to Kazuichi she is an opportunity to frame him for the murder, she is already reached her boiling point with Kazuichi, even if she doesnt show it (like celeste).

Like celeste, she has been desperate to leave the game (as she also mentions in her free time event). She feels the responsibility to come back to her country, that she cant leave her people without a governor and she finally saw a chance of escaping the island.

Ok, shippy way: Sonia is jealous of Kazuichi because Gundham tells her he has a crush on Kazuichi. And Sonia has a crush on Gundham.

She cant stand Kazuichi anymore, all her life people have pretend to be her friends/lovers to gain her trust and favours, she doesnt trust anyone who is too enthusiastic about being close to her. That's why she likes Gundham, he is mysterious and quiet and she feels she has to conquer him instead of having him lead her on for favours.

Gundham is pretty bad at expressing his feelings but (as seen in his free time events) he is also clearly starved for affection. Kazuichi seems to have a grudge against him and Gundham admires that he is so enthusiastic about how much he likes Sonia, and fuck dude, he wants someone to be in love with him like that.

Sonia is completely done with Kazuichi already, and kills him out of anger and jealousy. He got Gundham interested in him despite being annoying all the time and she feels like he was stealing Gundham from her right when she was able to conquer his friendship.

She likes true crime, she has seen lots of stories of people murdering others for love, she even thinks its romantic.

So yeah, that's it. Its kinds dumb but I think it's ok since so many of the cases in the game are already dumb.

[zmayadw]

Hello

Here’s the next part.

Have a nice evening!

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 14        

For the next three days i was trying to keep myself bussy with work, so not to go crazy thinking if Jake will contact me. I wasnt very succesful with it, i kept thinking of him a lot. Did i make it worse with all i said to him? Does he feel the same? What if he doesnt, can i just get over it easy? My mind was a mash, i was going crazy. I barely managed to do any work. And not to mention, those darn phonecalls continued on a daily basis. I really started to get a bad vibe from it, but i couldnt think of anything that would give me a reason for it. On the fourth day, i couldnt stand anymore being in my motel room, so i texted Jessy if she wants to meet me for lunch. She replied shortly after, accepting my offer gladly. A change of scenery will do me good.

I met with Jessy at the town square, and we decided to go to a pasta place. As we sat at the table, and ordered, she looked at me all serious „Whats up, Maya? I can see worry written all over your face.“ I tought if telling her about the calls would be a good thing, she might get too worried for me. After a moment of hesitation, i started. „I'v been getting some weird phonecalls lately, and its driving me insane.“ Jessy looked at me, worry appearing on her face „What kind of calls?“ „Hidden caller calls“ i told her, sighing „It all started a while ago, and i didnt think much of it at first. But then they beacme more frequently.“ I paused for a moment, seeing Jessy getting more upset with it as i told her more of it. „Does the caller say anything?“ she asked. „No, just silence.“ I sighed, sounding tired „I got a bad feeling about it all, Jessy. I dont know why, but something is off with it all.“ „Did you tell anyone else about it?“ she asked, and i knew who she had in mind. „If you mean Jake, no, i havent told him.“ I looked at her, before i continued „Since you mentioned him, theres something else i have to tell you.“ I told her all about that night after i left Aurora. She scolded me for not telling her sooner, but not holding a grudge, considering othere things that wer happening. „So you understand now why i haven't told him anything.“ I said, a feel of desperation taking over me. Jessy looked at me for a moment „I understan.“ She started „But i think you should tell him, Maya.“ „I dont want him to think im pushy, Jessy.“ I said, but she interupted me „Maya, dont be a fool. He can help you with this. Heck, he's the only one from us all that can actualy be of any help.“ She looked at me, pleadingly „Please, Maya, promise me you will contact him. Today.“ I couldnt say no to her, and she was right. Jake was the one person who might help me with this. I sighed desperatly „Alright, Jessy, i promise i'll contact him.“ „Today.“ She added, and i replied „Today, yes.“ Neither of us had much of an apetit afterwards. She walked with me to my car, giving me a tight hug „Everything will be ok, Maya.“ She said, giving me a reasuring smile. „I hope so, Jessy.“ I opened the car doors. „Call me if you need anything, and i mean anything. I'm here for you.“ „Thanks, Jessy, i will.“ I said to her smiling, waveing her goodby.

When i got back to the motel, i sat at my bed, holding my phone in front of me, just staring at it. Four days passed since that night, and he still hasnt contacted me. But Jessy was right, Jake can help me. I opened my phone, entering the chat with him. „Hey, you there?“ i wrote, and pushed send. I got up from the bed, and started walking arround the room nervously, still holding my phone. When the sound of a new message beeped fom it, i almost dropped it.

Jake: Yes, what's up?

Maya: I need your help

Jake: Is everything ok?

Maya: Not really..

Maya: Is it possible for us to meet?

Maya: I really dont want to go about it over the phone.

Jake: Alright.

Maya: Cafe Rainbow?

Jake: Meet you there in an hour?

Maya: Yeah, great.

Maya: Thank you.

Jake: No worries.

                                  Jake is now offline

I decided to walk there, clearing my head on the way a bit. I took my stuff, and left. As i was walking towards cafe, i hoped the atmosphere between Jake and me wont be aqward. I was stressed enough with those calls. The day was sunny, so i took my sunglasses with me, even tho the sun wont be out for much longer. I got there a bit earlier, and sat at the table outside, ordering a coffee. It passed a few minutes maybe, when i saw Jake comming my way. He sat down accross from me, and ordered coffee, too. I took of my sun glasses, and I guess my face showed all the worry and tiredness, because i could see Jake's face getting all serious. „Is everything alright, Maya? You look terrible.“ He asked me, worry in his voice. „No, Jake, everything is not ok.“ I said desperatly. I started explaining him all about the calls, him listening intensly to every word i said. „Alright“ he said as i finished „So just the calls happened, nothing else?“ he asked me. I looked at him, sighing „You think im over exaggearting about it, dont you?“ He looked at me, softness in his eyes „Hey, i can see this is bothering you, so, no, i dont think that.“ „It does bother me. I have a bad feeling cravling at me every time my damn phone rings.“ I said desperatly „I'm on a verge of breaking.“ I slouched tiredly at my chair then. Jake nudged me on my knee „Hey, it will be alright.“ He gave me a reasuring smile „We will figure it out.“ I looked at him „Thanks, i really appriciate you doing this.“ „No worries.“ He said. He got all serious before saking „ Would you mind if i'd check your phone?“ „Ofcourse not“ i said. I took the phone from my purse, handing it to him, but he smiled „Not like that.“ I looked at him puzzled, before he replied to me „I would like to check your phone internaly.“ „Oh, i see.“ I asked him after a moment „And how will you do that?“ He got a bit nervous.„Uhm, well, i would have to get some stuff from Hannahs place.“ He started „We can do it at the motel.“ He looked at me then, and i noticed him blushing a bit. I smiled inside „Ok, that would be fine.“ And i added, trying to make him feel less uncomfortable by all „I dont want the others finding out about it, eitherway. At least untill we find out more about it.“ He relaxed a bit „Ok, great. Did you came with your car?“ „No, i walked this time. I was stressed too much for driving.“ I told him. „Alright, understandable. Well, you mind if we stop to Hannahs place first, then head to the motel?“ „Sure, lets do it.“ I said, leaving enough money on the table for both of our coffees. Jake wanted to protest, but i shushed him quickly „At least let me do this, as a way of a 'thank you'.“ He smiled at me „Not necessary, but alright.“ I smiled back, leaving the money, and we left.

Hannahs apartment wasnt far from the cafe. I told him i'll wait for him outside, and he went in to grab his stuff. He came back shortly, his backpack over his shoulder. „Alright, im ready.“ He said, as he got back to where i was waiting. We walked in silence, when my phone rang. I took it out of my purse, and tensed when i saw it was one more of those hidden calls. Jake took the phone from me, answering it. „Hello?“ he said, looking at me, as i waited impatiently . He said 'hello' few more times before the call was ended. He handed me the phone back „Dont worry, this is all probably nothing.“ He told me, giving me a reasuring smile. „I really hope so.“ We continued towards the motel. As we got there, i unlocked the doors and entered my room. Jake paused a bit at the doors, and i chuckled at him „Well, come in, I dont bite.“ i said. He shook his head smiling, saying as he stepped inside „You sure?“ „Well, you will just have to trust me.“ I said teasingly „Or would you rather prefer for me to leave a chair for you outside, so at least you can sit while you work?“ „Ha, thanks, but i'll take my chances inside then.“ He said, grining. He was so sweet, i couldnt belive he was here with me. I tensed at the tought, and quickly glanced arround the room, sighing with relieve i actually left it tidy. I got to the desk, moving my stuff away „Here, you can use the desk.“ „Thanks.“ He sat down and started taking his stuff out from his backpack. He took out his laptop, wich was waaaay better then mine, and some other gadgets i had no clue what they were. „Uhm, power plug?“ he asked, and i replied its behind the desk. He pluged all he needed, and started his laptop. It was interesting seing him like this. He was doing what he does best, and i could see seriousnes and dedication in it. His laptop booted, and he turned to me „Can i have your phone, please? And turn it off.“ I took my phone, turning it off, giving it to him. He took it and plugged it to one of the gadgets, wich was connected to his laptop. He opened some program on it, and started typing something on the keyboard, not even glancing at it. I just stared at him in amazement. To him, this was like playing a piano, he could do it with his eyes closed. He finished after a few moments, turning to me „Well, now we wait.“ „And what is it that you are looking for?“ i asked him „And, please, explain it to me as simple as you can, this whole thing is a nuclear sience to me.“ He smiled at me „ Well, simply saying, im checking if your phone was 'hacked' somehow,tempered in any way. But, that will take a while. I wanted to check it thoroughly, so it will take longer then usualy.“ „Alright, thank you for a simple explanation.“ I smiled at him. „You're welcome“ he replied. „Well, since this will take a while, we could order a pizza or something?“ I asked. „Sure, i could eat something.“ „Great“ i said, adding „Uhm, since my phone is 'under maintanance', could you do it?“  „Oh, sure.“ He smiled „What kinda pizza would you like?“ „Oh, whatever, as long as its not too spicy, or with exotic fruit.“ I shuddered at the last tought. He laughed, his laugh ringing to my ears like a beautiful melody. „Good taste.“ He said. „Want a Cola with it? Or anything else?“ „Cola is fine, thanks.“ I said. He fidgeted for a while with his mobile, setting it down on the desk „Ok, done. Should be here in about 40 minutes.“ „Great.“ I started „Amm, do you mind if i take a shower while we wait for it?“ He looked at me, his eyes getting some special glow in them, something i havent noticed before. I felt the heat spreading through my body, as his gaze intensified, when he finaly said „Ofcourse not, go ahead.“ He started „I'll be right here waiting.“ I smiled, turned to grab some stuff from the wardrobe, before going to bathroom. Jake was watching me the whole time, and i had a feeling i was burning now. I entered the bathroom, closing the door, and leaning agains it from the inside. What the heck was that, i tought to myself, This was new. And i liked it. Could it be, i tought, that my little monologue from that night initiated something? I looked at myself in the mirror, realizing i was grinning like a mad man. I turned the shower on, taking my clothes off, and steping inside.

When i was done, i putted fresh clothes on and left the bathroom. Jake was still sitting behind the desk, checking something on his laptop. He turned to me as i stepped back into the room „Feeling better?“ he asked. „Yes, definatly.“ I told him smiling, sitting on the bed.. „Thats a nice pendant arround your neck.“ He told me. „A gift from someone sepcial?“   „Yeah, as a matter of fact.“ I said smiling, my hand automaticaly reaching for it. I told him how my mom always liked clovers, and about giving me that pendant, saying it will bring me luck and keep me safe. „Thats kinda like my lucky charms.“ I said smiling. But my smile faded, and i said gloomily „Kinda ironic at the moment, wouldnt you say.“ Jake got up from the desk, sitting next to me on the bed. „It's not.“ He said „Nothing happened that would make you say so.“ „Nothing happened 'yet'.“ I said, sighing, leaning my head on his shoulder. Just being this close to him made me feel better. His presence made me both aroused and calm at the same time. My hands wer resting on my legs, and he putted his hand over mine „Nothing will happen, Maya, i promise you.“ His hand was so soft and warm. I closed my eyes, just enjoing this moment, taking in deep breaths of him. The pizza guy knocked at the door then, and i cursed under my breath, moving my head from his shoulder. I wanted for the moment to last a bit longer. Jake looked at me, giving me an akward smile, his face showing he was sharing my resentment by the knock. He got up slowly, going for the door. He gave the guy some money taking pizza and drinks from him. I moved myself to the head of the bed, adjusting both pillows on the bed frame. „C'mon, lets eat while its still warm.“ I told him, tapping with my hand other side of the be. He came to the other side of the bed, putting the pizza on the middle. He handad me the bag with the drinks, and i took them out, placing them on the stand next to my side of the bed. He took his sneakers off and sat on the bed. I handed him some napkins from the bag, and we opened the pizza box. It was late already, so i turned the night light on the stand. I grabbed the tv remote „Want me to find some silly movie?“ I grined at him. He chuckled „Sure, why not.“ I switched through programmes, stoping on some movie we both agreed to just leave it on. We just watched and ate in silence. We finished the pizza, and i got up moving the box from the bed, handing him his drink. He took a few sips giving it back to me. With pizza box gone, we both stretched on the bed, and i switched of the light. I adjusted my pillow, Jake doing the same, and as he did, our heads touched at the top. I smiled, looking at the TV, feeling my eyes becoming heavy. „This is nice.“ I said after a moment, yawning sleepely. I could feel Jake smiled „Yeah“ he said „It really is.“ His hand found mine then, and our fingers intertwined. I moved closer to him, turning on my side, placing my head on his chest, not letting his hand go. He hugged me with his other hand, pulling me even closer to him. I closed my eyes, letting his breathing and the sound of his heartbeet lulling me slowly to sleep. Before sleep took over me, i said almost whispering „Good night, Jake.“ He gently kissed me on the forehead „Sweet dreams, Maya.“

[blurays]

.

i want to die im so angry theres no point anymore as in theres Really no point what is the point when theres something inside of you that will always keep you miserable i could be famous and rich and successful and loved and have everything i ever dreamed of and i would still feel fucking mangled and stupid i am so tired of feeling like a fcking moron because my fucking brain doesnt Work Right and im supposed to be like Happy that its temporarily not killing me right like i used to be like Okay it could be good one day if some stuff was fixed i could be happy but it will literally always be like this for me i mean the best case scenario is that i get happy and then die lol but thats literally not even worth thinking about because i will always be permanently messed up bc of this i guess no one really bothered to think about if i Wanted to be alive after all this shit lol . even now ppl have the nerve to Ask if i have thoughts of suicide like IDK lets put u thru a lot of ptsd inducing procedures that leave you scarred and stupid but actually dont even assure you wont die before ur 30 thatll still happen now lets see if u have thougjts of suicide. i dont have to kill myself my body is doing that for me but i am wondering why i bother when literally all i experience is suffering i dont remember the last time i was happy lol and my problems are in fact unfixable they sent some genetic test to see what drugs will work on me and i asked for like whatever therapy they can come up with but idk how anyone or anything is going to convince me that its worth it to live as like a shell of a person whos in constant pain nd misery nd like ?? so i can achieve what.. im not gonna have a gf or friends or a job or any of that like why am i fucking doing this anymore im just on autopilot taking all the meds and shots and whtever but i want to just be like i dont care anymore just let it kill me you already did

after two years everyone tunes you out but i am about 100x more miserable than i was at the start of this things have only gotten worse the only difference is even my oncologist doesnt care im suffering anymore

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

Strangers (Pt.3)

-------------------------

Virgil felt his throat close, almost deathly cold.

"R-Roman what do you-"

"And another thing, songbird, I dont want you calling me Roman anymore," Virgil thought he might cry, everything was so confusing and it had only been one day.

"What do you want me to call you then?. . ." Virgil asked, trying to keep his breathing steady, his eyes were clenched shut out of terror and fear.

"I think Romulus has a nice ring to it, dont you songbird?" Said Romulus, resting his head on Virgil's shoulder.

"Y-yes- its nice-" Virgil responded.

"Are you feeling well songbird? You look sick," said Romulus, turning Virgil's face.

Virgil opened his eyes, but when he had, he didnt see the vibrant green he was expecting.

No, he saw a deep, almost black, red color, and the same blood-red stains that had coated Roman's mouth just that morning, were staining the underside of Romulus' eyes. He bit his lip to keep from screaming.

"I'm fine Romulus- but uh-did you forget to take off your contacts and make-up before bed?" Virgil said quietly.

"Oh this? Just a new style songbird, no special affects required," said Romulus.

"I really dont think you should be sleeping with that necklace on though- it might choke you and quite frankly I dont want that," Virgil said, making a move to take off his own necklace.

"No," Virgil flinched at the harshness in Romulus' voice, and winced when he felt him grab his arm and pull it away from the necklace.

"Romulus!" Virgil's eyes went wide as he moved to push himself away.

"Songbird whats gotten into you? You're so jumpy today," Ronulus' face showed an expression of concern, but Virgil wasnt sure he bought it very much.

"You're not acting like- you! That's what's scaring me! You wake up bleeding from the mouth and coughing like you've got the plague and then deny going to the doctor, and then you hit me when I try to get these stupid necklaces off when you didnt start acting like this until we got them! And now your eye colors changing and you've got all this- stuff all over your face and you're acting like it's perfectly normal! And you're calling me songbird of all names when you've never once wanted to call me that!" The sentence escaped Virgil's throat in a series of harsh breathes.

"Oh. . ." Romulus' expression shifted to one of hurt and concern now.

"I'm sorry baby I- didn't think it would bother you so much," he said.

"But we should keep the necklaces on, who knows what would happen if we lost one or both, and if we dont know what's wrong with them than we certainly shouldnt risk something else happening, and you seem perfectly fine, so I doubt it's something serious," said Romulus, running his fingers through Virgil's hair.

"You have a point. . ." Virgil said quietly, looking off to the side for a few moments.

"Do you want me to stop calling you songbird, though? I will if it makes you unhappy," Romulus said, taking one of Virgil's hands in his and using his thumb to trace along his knuckles.

"Songbird is fine, it just- caught me off guard- that's all. . ." Virgil murmured.

"Alright, goodnight little songbird," said Romulus, pressing a kiss to Virgil's forehead and pulling him close.

"Good night Princey," Virgil whispered, before finally falling asleep.

His dreams were odd that night, dreams of blood and axes and chanting and a sweet smile that had turned into the maw of something sharp and horrifying, of wedding bells that seemed to shift into a funeral procession.

Virgil awoke the next morning, cold and sweaty, tears running down his face. He turned to the lump next to him, shaking it and hoping against his own reality that the eyes that blinked up at him would be a beautiful jade color.

But instead, he was once again met with charcoal.

"What is it songbird? You seem frightened," Romulus sat up in bed and pulled Virgil closer to him, resting Virgil's head in his lap and resuming the previous nights activity of messing with his hair.

"B-bad dream- thought- something happened-" Virgil said between sniffles.

"Oh my poor little songbird,dont worry, I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere," said Romulus, now pulling Virgil up to his chest, Virgil buried his face in the soft fabric of Romulus' pajamas.

"What about work?" Virgil said, smirking.

"Oh? Getting cheeky now are we?" Romulus said with a laugh. Virgil smiled, maybe it really had just been a dream, maybe he was just scared of something changing when there was nothing to be scared about.

"But seriously, do you want to go to work today? Are you sure you dont still feel sick?" Virgil said, moving away from Romulus' chest and looking up at him.

"I think I can go in today, the extra cash doesnt hurt now does it?" Romulus said, tracing along Virgil's jawline and smiling.

"Extra money never hurts anyone but the people being exploited for it," Virgil responded.

"Theres my little anarchist songbird, been listening to Janus again have you?" Romulus said.

"Of course I have, hes the only one who can make AP Government interesting," Virgil replied.

"Well I've got to start getting ready then ok songbird? You stay here while I get started on breakfast," said Romulus.

"Ok," Virgil lay back down and reached to grab his phone off the bedside table.

Sixteen missed calls from Patton

Twenty missed calls from Janus

Ten missed calls from Remus

One hundred and forty six missed messages from Janus and five others

Virgil stared at the notification screen for a long while, before noticing the 'Silent' symbol at the top corner.

He only felt more guilty as he began to read, hundreds of concerned voices and texts, all asking if he'd made it home alright.

He decided to call Janus and Patton first.

"Virgil! We've been worried sick! Why havent you been answering? Did something happen? Is everything alright?" Patton's voice chimed over the phone, frenzied and terrified.

"I'm fine Pat- just had my phone on silent on accident for some reason, Romulus is back to normal, it was just an off day," Virgil said.

The line went quiet.

"Virgil. . . Who's Romulus?. . ." Janus replied, from further away it seemed.

"Roman changed his name," Virgil said nonchalantly.

"Oh- well- tell him we're happy for him," Patton said awkwardly.

"Will do," Virgil said.

And then he hung up, and it all seemed to feel rather strange.

And this only continued after this other calls. He wouldve thought Romulus would have told his own brother about his name change before he told Virgil, but that didnt seem to be the case.

"Princey?" Virgil slipped out of bed and into the kitchen.

"Songbird? What are you doing up? Breakfast's not ready yet," Romulus said.

"I just got off the phone with the gang- my phone was on silent last night and they were all really worried, but I wanted to ask you something-" Virgil said nervously.

"Yes, songbird?" Romulus replied.

"How come you told me you changed your name, but not Remus, hes your brother, wouldnt he be more important?" Virgil said.

"Well I prefer to think you're the most important thing in my life songbird," Romulus said with a smile.

"Dear gods you're so cheesy," Virgil said, rolling his eyes.

"I know songbird," Romulus replied.

"Can you try this for me?" Romulus said, holding out a fork with a piece of waffle on it. Virgil walked over and took the bite, eyes widening as he did.

"Which brand is this?" Virgil said when he finished.

"Home-made," Romulus said, smiling.

"Careful or you're gonna end up having to do a lot more work for breakfast," Virgil said with a laugh.

"That's the idea songbird," said Romulus.

Soon enough Romulus was on his way to work, and Virgil was alone in the house again, but for some odd reason.

He felt less alone than he ever had before.

----------------------------------------------

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